Frank McKlusky, C.I. (2002) Movie Script
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
Man: THE YEAR WAS 1979.
MY DAD WAS
AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME.
HE WAS A THRILL SEEKER,
A DAREDEVIL,
A MAN WHO, FOR 11 YEARS,
WOULD KEEP THE FAMILY NAME
SYNONYMOUS WITH SOME OF THE
GREATEST STUNTS EVER ATTEMPTED.
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
MY DAD...WAS NOT THAT GUY.
NOPE. WE WERE THE McKLUSKYS.
MY DAD WAS THE GRANDSON
OF ALBERT McKLUSKY,
ONE OF THE GREAT PIONEERS
OF -- WELL, STUFF LIKE THIS...
AND THIS.
OH, AND HERE'S MY FAVORITE.
OOH! BAM!
ALL THIS CULMINATED
WITH MY DAD.
HE WAS THE BEST OF THE BUNCH.
YEP, WHEN IT CAME TO PERFORMING
AT HALF-EMPTY FLEA MARKETS,
MY FATHER HAD NO PEER.
THERE'S ME, MY MOM,
AND MY BABY BROTHER, DARRYL.
[ HORN HONKING TUNE ]
AND THAT GUY
TEETERING DANGEROUSLY
ON THE ROOF OF THE VAN...
HE ALSO HAPPENED
TO BE MY DAD.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME A MAN
THAT EVEL KNIEVEL HIMSELF
ONCE CALLED
A GODDAMNED CRAZY BASTARD...
MADMAN McKLUSKY!
WHOOOOAA!
[ THUD ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HA HA!
HA HA.
[ FEEDBACK ]
THAT WAS A STUNT!
DONE TOTALLY ON PURPOSE!
HONEY, WE HAVE TO TALK.
HUH?
LITTLE FRANK
IS TOTALLY OBSESSED.
ALL HE DOES IS TALK ABOU YOU AND YOUR ACCIDENTS.
A-AND LATELY,
WHEN I LOOK IN HIS EYES,
I SEE THIS STRANGE --
OOP -- YOU SEE
THE McKLUSKY STARE.
ALL McKLUSKYS
HAVE IT, SON...
EXCEPT FOR GRANDPA
ELMO McKLUSKY --
BLEW HIS EYEBALLS OU SWALLOWING DYNAMITE
AT A CARNIVAL.
MAD, I THINK, UH,
MAYBE WE SHOULD SCRAP
THE JUMP.
WHAT?
YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD
GODDAMNED REASON WHY.
THE BOYS AND I --
WE ASSEMBLED THE MOTORCYCLE
AT -- AT LUNCHTIME,
AND WE'VE BEEN DRUNK
SINCE BREAKFAST.
WE KIND OF RAN OU OF GASOLINE,
SO WE FILLED THE TANK
WITH LIGHTER FLUID.
JUST GIVE ME
THE DAMN ODDS.
[ SIGHS ]
[ CLICKING ]
THERE'S A 99.999% PROBABILITY
YOU'RE GONNA EXPLODE.
[ GASPS ]
GIVE OR TAKE A BEER.
[ BURPS ]
LITTLE FRANK,
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THERE'S A COUPLE OF REASONS
WHY I NEVER LIVE MY LIFE
BY THE ODDS.
NUMBER ONE, YOU CAN'T EVER
ACHIEVE ANYTHING
UNLESS YOU TAKE A RISK.
AND "B," I AIN'T SO SMAR WITH MATH.
Madman: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
Crowd chanting:
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MADMAN
TO...LAUGH AT SAFETY?
HA HA!
Chanting:
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
[ MOTORCYCLE REVS ]
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
Frank: WHEN I SAW MY DAD
TAKE OFF THAT DAY,
I KNEW ONE OF TWO THINGS
WAS GOING TO HAPPEN --
EITHER THIS JUMP WAS GONNA
PUT HIM ALL OVER THE MAP...
[ ALL GASP ]
...OR IT WAS GONNA PUT HIM
ALL OVER THE PARKING LOT.
[ GASPS ]
[ SIREN WAILS,
TIRES SCREECH ]
Woman on PA:
X-RAY TECH TO I.C.U.
X-RAY TECH TO I.C.U.
MRS. McKLUSKY?
YES.
IT'S YOUR HUSBAND.
HE'S IN AN UNCONSCIOUS
COMA-TYPE DEAL,
BUT WITH SOME OF OUR RADICAL,
CUTTING-EDGE TREATMENTS
AND, UH, A LITTLE HELP
FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS,
I THINK WE CAN REVIVE HIM.
THAT IS IF YOUR INSURANCE
WERE ANY DAMN GOOD.
I SEE IT EVERY WEEK --
SMALL INSURANCE COMPANY
GETS HIT WITH SOME PHONY,
MISGUIDED CLAIM.
THEY DON'T HAVE THE MEANS
TO FIGHT, SO THEY FOLD.
ANYHOO, MONTY, ED,
WANT TO GET ME THE VEGETABLE
IN THE JUMPSUI Man: YES, DOCTOR.
IN THE BACK THERE?
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT PHONY, MISGUIDED CLAIM?
EXCUSE ME.
MY NAME IS RONNIE ROSENGOLD.
THIS IS MY BROTHER
REGGIE ROSENGOLD.
WE'RE OF ROSENGOLD AND
ROSENGOLD, ATTORNEYS AT LAW.
I'M SORRY.
YOU -- YOU GUYS ARE RELATED?
YEAH, MY SHI WAS ADOPTED.
YES.
WE REPRESENT THE CROWD
THAT WITNESSED YOUR HUSBAND'S
EXPLOSION TODAY.
AND WELL, WE'VE FILED
A RATHER [LAUGHS] NASTY
CLASS-ACTION SUI AGAINST YOU.
BUT FOR WHAT?
YOU NEVER HEARD OF 'MOTIONAL
STRESS AND SHIT?
DO YOU REALIZE
MY HUSBAND IS NOT RECEIVING
PROPER MEDICAL TREATMEN BECAUSE
OF YOUR FRIVOLOUS LAWSUIT?
MOVING ON...
SINCE MADMAN TECHNICALLY
WAS NEVER AIRBORNE,
WE'RE ALSO SUING YOU
FOR FALSE ADVERTISING.
MM-HMM. UH-HUH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BROTHERS DON'T PLAY.
WE WANT THE MON-EY.
YEAH.
Frank: AS FOR ME, THAT'S WHEN
EVERYTHING CHANGED.
MON-EY, HON-EY.
HA HA HA.
WHOO! HA HA.
YES!
Frank: HEY, I CAN DO
THE JUMP, MOM.
NO!
I WILL NOT LET I HAPPEN AGAIN.
I WON'T SIT BY
AND LET YOU OR LITTLE DARRYL
FOLLOW
IN YOUR FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS.
[ DOORS OPEN ]
[ STEAM HISSING ]
I SWEAR...MY FAMILY
IS ALWAYS GONNA BE SAFE.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
Frank: WELL, MOM KEPT HER WORD.
SHE TURNED INTO THE WORLD'S
MOST SAFETY-CONSCIOUS PARENT,
AND I TURNED INTO A 25-YEAR-OLD
VIRGIN IN A HELMET.
[ CLICK, MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO ]
[ BEEPS ]
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
[ Exhaling ] AHHH.
MORNING, MR. BELVEDERE.
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SIGHS ]
HEY, DAD.
GOING TO WORK.
SEE YOU LATER, OKAY?
THAT'S MY BROTHER, DARRYL.
GOOD MORNING.
YOU KNOW, FOR AN AGORAPHOBIC
MUTE IN A SPACESUIT,
DARRYL.
HE'S ONE PRETTY COOL KID.
ANYWAY, AFTER WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY DAD,
I DECIDED TO BECOME AN
INSURANCE CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR.
MY PARTNER AND I HAD
572 FRAUDULENT CLAIM BUSTS
TO OUR CREDIT.
THE MOST RECENT ONE -- ALL
THE WAY OUT IN PENNSYLVANIA.
BUT MY MAIN FOCUS WAS
TO BRING DOWN THE ROSENGOLDS.
HAVE A NICE DAY, SON.
OKAY.
OH, AND, FRANKIE,
REMEMBER,
BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.
AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION
IS WORTH A POUND OF CURE.
THERE'S SAFETY IN NUMBERS.
HINDSIGHT IS...
20/20.
I GOT IT, MOM.
YOU BE CAREFUL
OUT THERE, SON.
COME ON, MOM. I'VE BEEN
DOING THAT FOR 20 YEARS.
IT'S ONE THING I KNOW
I'M GOOD AT.
[ CLICK ]
[ BEEPING ]
AND THIS IS WHERE I WORK --
THE BIGGEST COMPANY
IN THE BUSINESS,
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE,
PLEASE HOLD.
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
OH, AND OUR RECEPTIONIST,
VICKI?
[ Whispering ]
Major crush on me.
HEY, VICKI.
CONGLOMERATE --
HEY, GUESS WHAT?
I JUST GOT THE BOX SE OF "MIAMI VICE" ON DVD.
45 EPISODES, 0% COMMERCIALS,
100% AWESOME.
SO, ANYWAY, I WAS THINKING
YOU, ME,
AND SOME COOL COPS
FROM A CERTAIN MIAMI --
OKAY.
HEY, FRANK, CHECK IT OUT.
[ LAUGHING ]
I'M TOTALLY RUNNING
WITH SCISSORS! OH!
Frank: THAT'S HERB,
WHAT A PRANKSTER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
OOH. OHH.
OOH.
YAHTZEE.
AND THAT'S FREEDA,
OUR FILE CLERK.
HEY, FRANKIE, COULD YOU
HELP ME WITH THIS REQ. FORM?
I CAN'T SEEM TO GET THESE
FIGURES TO WORK.
SURE, FREEDA.
SHE CERTAINLY GIVES NEW MEANING
TO THE PHRASE "CASUAL FRIDAYS."
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
HEY, JIMMY.
HEY, FRANK.
NEW FILE?
HEY, FRANK, YOU EVER HEAR
OF SCOUT BAYOU?
HELLO.
LIKE, "ZAPPED!" IS ONLY MY
FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
NO, NOT SCOTT BAIO,
THE TALENTED ACTOR.
SCOUT BAYOU, THE BALD GUY
IN THE WHEELCHAIR.
IT SAYS HERE HE'S FILED FIVE
SEPARATE INJURY CLAIMS,
ALL DIFFERENT TYPES
OF ACCIDENTS,
NONE OF THEM DISPUTED.
ALL FIVE PAID OUT IN FULL.
HOLD ON, JIMMY.
"AFTER A CLAIM IS PAID OUT,
AN INVESTIGATOR
IS NO LONGER AUTHORIZED
TO RESEARCH A CASE."
CLAIMS INVESTIGATORS
HANDBOOK.
YEAH, BUT STOPPING
FRAUDULENT CLAIMS
IS WHY WE BECAME C.I.s
IN THE FIRST PLACE, RIGHT?
NO.
IT'S WHY I BECAME A C.I.
YOU WERE TOO FAT TO PASS
A COP PHYSICAL, REMEMBER?
FRANK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
IF I TOLD YOU
HE WAS REPRESENTED BY
ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD?
I'D SAY LET'S GO
DISPUTE A CLAIM.
[ With mouth full ]
THERE HE IS.
MR. BALD WHEEL'S
ON THE MOVE.
NOW, WHY THE HELL
WOULD A HANDICAPPED GUY
DRIVE A MONSTER TRUCK?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE HE'S A HANDICAPPED
REDNECK.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ GRUNTS ]
HUH?
[ GRUNTS ]
HUH?
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
LET'S TAIL
THAT PARA-LOSER.
[ GRUNTS ]
STRAP YOURSELF IN.
OH, YEAH.
STRAPPED IN.
AND HIT IT.
STRAPPING IN.
BLIND SPOT, CHECK.
BLIND SPOT?
BLIND SPOT'S CLEAR.
READY. WE'RE ON.
THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
PEDESTRIAN CHECK?
PEDESTRIANS ARE NOTHING.
OKAY. ANIMALS?
NO.
NO ANIMALS.
OKAY. CLEAR ON MY SIDE.
THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S CLEAR ON THIS SIDE.
OKAY. DOUBLE-CHECKING.
DOUBLE-CHECKED.
YOU SURE?
WILL YOU JUST GO?!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
Frank:
WE FOLLOWED BAYOU ALL DAY.
AND I'LL TELL YOU,
THE GUY LOOKED PRETTY
HANDICAPPED TO ME,
BUT JIMMY HAD ONE
OF HIS...FEELINGS.
SO WE TAILED HIM
TO A CONCERT DOWNTOWN.
COME THIS WAY.
OKAY.
Jimmy: DO YOU BELIEVE
THAT ROTTEN BASTARD?
PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED
SPOT WHEN HE PROBABLY
RUNS A 4.5 40.
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
IT'S WEARING-COOL-DISGUISES
TIME.
HA HA!
[ RATTLING ]
PARTNER, WHAT SAY THIS TIME
YOU COME WITH ME?
OUT IN THE FIELD?
ARE YOU NUTS?
COME ON.
PUT ON
ONE OF THESE COSTUMES.
I GUARANTEE YOU'LL
FEEL LIKE A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT PERSON.
JUST, UH, DON'T RIP OFF
ANY OF THE TAGS
OR LEAVE ANY PIT STAINS.
I'M THE IN-THE-VAN GUY,
REMEMBER, JIMMY?
OKAY, FINE.
BUT JUST COVER MY ASS,
OKAY?
'CAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING HERE
UNTIL I GET TAPE
OF THIS PHONY BALONEY
DOING JUMPING JACKS.
...JUST DOWN THERE.
JACK TRIPPER CHECKING IN.
DO YOU COPY? OVER.
ROGER THAT.
MR. FURLEY COPIES
AND IS ROLLING AND RECEIVING
FROM THE REGAL BEAGLE.
OVER THAT WAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
OVER THERE!
OUR BOGEY'S ROLLIN'
TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE.
HEY, GET OUT OF MY WAY.
CHILL, DUDE.
JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
WHERE THE HECK DID
THIS FAKE GIMP ROLL OFF TO?
YOU TAILIN' ME, ASSHOLE?
[ GULPS ]
AAHHHH!
[ THUD, STATIC ]
WHOA.
[ CLICKING ]
JACK TRIPPER,
WHO WERE YOU JUST TALKING TO?
THE PICTURE JUST WENT OUT.
HELP ME!
[ GRUNTING ]
I'M TOTALLY GETTING
MY ASS KICKED!
[ GRUNTING ]
OWW!
[ GRUNTING ]
[ GROANING ]
"A C.I. NEVER TURNS HIS BACK
ON HIS PARTNER."
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
Frank:
SO, NOT ONLY WOULD I HAVE TO GO
OUT IN THE FIELD,
BUT THANKS TO THE ROCK ENSEMBLE
JIMMY LEFT ME,
I'D HAVE TO DO SO DRESSED
AS SAMMY HAGAR.
[ GROANING ]
[ GRUNTS ]
AAHHHH!
[ GLASS BREAKING ]
JIMMY!
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.
I'M FINE.
[ THUD ]
OKAY. MAYBE I HAVE JUS A SHADE OF BRAIN DAMAGE.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
YOU STAY HERE.
I'LL GET BAYOU.
I'LL TAPE HIM MYSELF.
...HANSON!
[ CROWD SCREAMING ]
LET'S SEE.
FRANK McKLUSKY DOES I BY THE BOOK.
HEH HEH HEH.
"LESSON 56 --
HOW TO GET A FAKER
OUT OF HIS CHAIR."
Announcer: COME ON, EVERYBODY!
[ SCREAMING ]
[ "GET UP" PLAYS ]
WHOOO!
GET OUT OF MY WAY!
FRONT-ROW SEATS!
Frank: WOW.
I GUESS IF YOU'RE A HANSON FAN,
IT REALLY PAYS
NOT TO BE ABLE TO WALK.
THOSE SEATS ON THE SIDE
OF THE STAGE
ARE THE BEST SEATS
IN THE HOUSE.
YEEEAHHH!
HANSON RULES!
WHOOO!
GO!
AND IT MADE ME WONDER --
IS BAYOU REALLY HANDICAPPED
OR WAS HE FAKING HIS DISABILITY
JUST FOR THE PERKS?
THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT FOR SURE.
I HAD TO LURE BAYOU
OUT OF HIS CHAIR.
YEAH! YA!
AHHHHH!
SO WITH MY TRUSTY
RONCO POCKET FISHERMAN
AND A FREE COUPON
FROM SUPERCUTS...
HMM.
...THE BAI WAS ABOUT TO BE SET.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
OKAY, BAYOU.
...GIRL LIKE YOU
AND MAYBE JUST A --
JUST A GUY LIKE ME
MAYBE WE CAN TAKE A WALK
ON THE WILD SIDE
WELL, TAKE A LOOK AND SEE
SO GET UP AND GO
JUST A GIRL LIKE YOU
[ SCREAMING ]
AND MAYBE JUST A --
JUST A GUY LIKE ME
[ BAYOU SCREAMING ]
MAYBE WE CAN TAKE A WALK
ON THE WILD SIDE
YEAH, TAKE A LOOK AND
TAKE A LOOK AND GO
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
SO GET UP AND GO
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
UGH!
AAAHHHH!
AAAHHHH! AAAHHHH!
WHOA!
WHOA! WHOA!
AAAAH!
AAAAH! AAAAH!
[ CRASHING, GLASS BREAKING ]
[ GLASS SPINNING ]
[ SPINNING STOPS, SILENCE ]
HANSON ROCKS.
Frank:
WELL, MY FIRST VENTURE OUT OF
THE VAN WENT PRETTY WELL.
I HAVE TO ADMIT,
IT WAS KIND OF EXHILARATING
BEING OUT IN THE FIELD,
BUT ALL THAT ACTION
MADE ME HUNGRY
AND CHINESE-WESTERN FOOD
WAS GONNA HIT THE SPOT.
Jimmy: I DON'T GET WHY
YOU EVEN LIKE THIS PLACE.
THE FOOD ALWAYS GIVE YOU
DIARRHEA.
AH. CALL I A GUILTY PLEASURE.
[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]
LIM NUNG WAS BORN IN BEIJING,
BUT HE ACTED LIKE HE WAS
FROM THE PONDEROSA.
[ Chinese accent ]
SHERIFF JIMMY, DEPUTY FRANK.
WHAT TYPE OF GRUB YOU WAN LIM NUNG RUSTLE UP FOR YOU?
THE USUAL.
AND COULD WE GET IT TO GO?
JIMMY GOT BEAT UP
BY A DISABLED GUY.
HEY.
AGAIN, MR. JIMMY?
[ TELEPHONE RINGS,
COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
...THINK ABOUT YOU
SINCE YOU'RE GONE
EXCEPT WHEN
I'M WITH SOMEONE ELSE
OR WHEN I'M ALL ALONE
HEY, JIMBO,
WANT TO COME OVER AND
WATCH "NICK AT NITE"?
THURSDAYS ARE BAIO-THONS.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I GOT SOME SURVEILLANCE TAPES
I GOTTA REVIEW.
[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]
Jimmy: I'LL CALL YOU
LATER, OKAY?
Frank: WHEN JIMMY ONLY ORDERED
EIGHT APPETIZERS,
I KNEW HE WAS TAKING THINGS
HARDER THAN USUAL.
THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE
ON HIS MIND.
WE HAD BEEN PARTNERS TOO LONG
FOR ME NOT TO NOTICE.
[ VEHICLES PASSING ]
[ RUSTLING ON TELEVISION ]
WHOA.
[ LAUGHING ]
CHARLES...
YOU MEAN THEY'RE ONLY GONNA
CHARGE US $37.95?
NO. IT'S $149
OR WE'LL NEVER SEE
OUR FURNITURE ALIVE AGAIN.
[ LAUGHS, SIGHS ]
I'LL TELL YA, DAD,
I THOUGHT THE GOLDEN AGE
OF TELEVISION ENDED
WHEN THE FONZ GOT MARRIED
AND GREW A BEARD.
AND THEN GOD
GOES AND GIVES US
"CHARLES IN CHARGE."
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
I'LL GET IT.
Woman on TV:
AND LOOK INSIDE YOUR DRAWERS.
[ LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION ]
THANKS, MR. BELVEDERE.
[ GROWLS SOFTLY ]
YELL-O.
Frank...
I NEED
TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
IF ANYTHING
EVER HAPPENED TO ME,
WOULD I BE ABLE
TO COUNT ON YOU
TO FINISH ALL OF OUR CASES
HOWWOULD HAVE DONE 'EM?
JIMMY, WHAT'S WRONG?
I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW.
CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT?
YEAH, YEAH.
I PROMISE. I PROMISE.
LOOK, I CAN'T TALK
OVER THE PHONE,
BUT I THINK I GOT BAYOU.
COME OVER. I'LL SHOW YOU
WHEN YOU GET HERE.
JEEZ, JIMBO,
I DON'T USUALLY LIKE
TO GO OUT OF THE HOUSE AT --
[ Click, static ]
HUH?
HUH? HUH?
HELLO?
[ Dial tone ]
[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]
WHO WAS THAT?
MOM...
SOMETHING'S WRONG
WITH JIMMY.
I HAVE TO GO OVER THERE.
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
HONEY, T-T-THAT'S
THE WITCHING HOUR.
DON'T WORRY.
YOU KNOW I ALWAYS TAKE
THE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS.
[ WHIMPERS ]
WHAT?
I'M GOING AS FAS AS I CAN.
[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
OKAY, MR. BELVEDERE.
[ WHIMPERS ]
YOU READY TO BE
THAT GUARD DOG
YOU WERE TRAINED TO BE?
[ GRUNTING ]
YOU'RE REALLY EMBARRASSING
YOURSELF HERE, MR. B.
[ WHIMPERING ]
[ GRUNTING ]
JIMMY...
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, BUD?
[ GASPS ]
NOOOOOOO!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ MR. BELVEDERE WHIMPERS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING
ON POLICE RADIO ]
SO, WHAT WAS YOUR RELATION
TO MR. DOOLEY?
HE WAS MY PARTNER.
LIFE PARTNER?
[ CHUCKLING ]
[ CHUCKLING ]
NO, WE WORKED
FOR CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
JIMMY WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
SO YOU SAY YOU ENTERED
THE FRONT DOOR
AND FOUND MR. DOOLEY
WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW?
YES. WHY?
MR. McKLUSKY,
I'M JUST TRYING TO
GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT.
HEY. HEY, HEY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?
WRITING DOWN MY PERSONAL
PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU.
GEE WHIZ, MR. CRABBY.
SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK
HAPPENED HERE?
THIS IS YOUR CLASSIC
FAT GUY SUICIDE.
YEAH.
WE THINK YOUR FRIEND
KNOCKED DOWN THE DOOR
ON A TWINKIE JONES,
TRASHED THE PLACE
LOOKING FOR A TAKEOUT MENU,
THEN DROWNED,
ATTEMPTING TO EA HIS OWN GOLDFISH.
WHAT ABOUT THE SIGN?
YEAH, WE'RE, UH,
WE'RE LEANING TOWARD
"FAT GUY SUICIDE NOTE."
[ FARTING ]
OHH. GOOD OUT.
[ SIGHS ]
I NEED TO USE THE, UH, BATHROOM.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
REMEMBER, DON'T TOUCH
ANYTHING IN THERE.
THE SHITTER IS TECHNICALLY
STILL PART OF THE CRIME SCENE.
RIGHT.
[ INHALING SHARPLY ]
[ WINCING ]
[ FARTING,
EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ SIGHS ] OH, JIMMY, YOU
INCONSIDERATE, DEAD BASTARD.
[ WHISTLING ]
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
[ TOILET GURGLING ]
WHOOOAA!
[ GLASS BREAKING ]
UH, I-I'M OKAY.
IT'S, UH, IT'S JUS A DOUBLE-FLUSHER.
[ GRUNTING ]
[ SUCTIONING ]
[ HELMET CLANKS ]
[ GRUNTING ]
[ HELMET CLANKS ]
AAAHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHH!
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
YAHTZEE!
HEY, GUYS, I THINK
I FOUND A CLUE.
LOOK, LET'S SAY YOU
LEAVE THE DETECTIFYING
TO THE PROFESSIONALS,
OKAY,
MR. CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR?
CHECK IT OUT, BARRY.
THE FAT GUY HAD PUSH-UPS.
WELL, SHARE THE WEALTH,
MIJO!
Frank: WHAT I SAW
IN THAT APARTMENT THAT NIGH WOULD SCAR ME FOREVER.
EVEN TO THIS DAY,
EVERY TIME I SEE A FAT ZEBRA,
I JUST START CRYING.
[ WHIMPERING ]
COME ON, MR. BELVEDERE.
MY INSTINCTS TOLD ME
THOSE COPS
WEREN'T GOING TO PUT JIMMY'S
CASE ON THE HIGH PRIORITY LIST,
SO I TOOK THE EVIDENCE HOME
FOR MY OWN INVESTIGATION.
IT TURNS OUT IT WAS A COPY
OF A MOVIE ABOUT DUDES
DRESSING UP AS CHICKS.
SO, BEING THE INSECURE
HETEROSEXUAL THAT I AM,
I DEDUCED...
OH, MY GOD.
IS MY PARTNER DEAD
AND GAY?
WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME?
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
SO I WENT TO WORK
THE NEXT DAY.
BUT THE MAGIC, IT WAS GONE.
EVEN VICKI'S OVERT FLIRTING
COULDN'T PULL ME OU OF THE DOLDRUMS.
ANY MESSAGES?
YEAH, YOU HAVE ONE.
[ LAUGHING ]
HEY, FRANK, CHECK THIS OUT.
WHOOOA!
THAT'S DANGEROUS.
WHOO!
[ LAUGHING ]
WHOA!
WHOA, HERB!
OH, NOW, THAT'S DANGEROUS.
HA HA HA HA!
WHOO, HERB.
Man: DO IT.
WHAT -- COME ON, HERB.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NAIL THIS
SAFETY-CONSCIOUS ASS.
I CAN'T.
[ SIGHS ]
FRANK, WAIT.
I WAS SORRY TO HEAR
ABOUT JIMMY.
THANKS.
YEAH, IT SEEMS LIKE
ONLY YESTERDAY
HE WAS TRYING TO KISS ME
AT THE COMPANY PICNIC.
SO JIMMY WAS GAY.
WELL, THIS ISN'T FRANCE.
AROUND HERE, MAN-KISSING
IS PRETTY DARN GAY.
OH, MY BOSS
WANTS TO SEE YOU.
MR. GAFTY?
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I'M...
DOLLAR BILL, YO.
ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD.
HEY, WHY DO YOU LOOK
FAMILIAR TO ME?
YOU GUYS MADE A FRAUDULEN CLAIM AGAINST MY FAMILY
20 YEARS AGO.
MY DAD'S IN AN UNCONSCIOUS
COMA BECAUSE OF YOU.
OOHH. NOPE.
DOESN'T RING A BELL.
THAT'S RIGHT. WE NEED
'PECIFIC CASE HISTORY
AND SHIT, DOG.
MY DAD'S MADMAN McKLUSKY.
OHH! YES.
[ Laughing ] YES.
THE, UH, THE CRAZY,
EXPLODING MOTORCYCLE GUY.
WELL, GREAT TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, FRIEND.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AW, COME -- COME ON.
MAN, YOU BUGGING, MAN.
YOU BETTER BACK OFF
OR WE LITIGATE THE SHI OUT OF YOUR ASS.
GOOD MOVE.
MR. GAFTY...
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?
FRANK...
THERE ARE 280 MILLION PEOPLE
IN THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY OF THEM
HAVE NO FORM OF INSURANCE?
1,346,589, SIR...
AS OF 8:00 THIS MORNING.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, A STUDENT OF THE GAME.
REFRESHING.
I GOT INTO
THIS BUSINESS, SIR,
TO STOP FRAUDULENT CLAIMS.
AND IF BECAUSE OF THAT,
PREMIUMS FALL,
AND I CAN HELP
A FEW LESS-FORTUNATE PEOPLE
GET COVERAGE,
WELL,
THAT'S OKAY WITH ME.
AND A MAN OF PRINCIPLE,
TOO, HUH?
I RESPECT THAT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ MONKEY SCREECHING ]
DO YOU OWN
A MONKEY, SIR?
ACTUALLY,
CAPTAIN JUGGLES HERE
IS AN ABUSED
CIRCUS ORANGUTAN.
I PLAN ON RELEASING HIM
INTO THE WILD
AFTER I FINISH NURSING HIM
BACK TO HEALTH.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
FRANK, THOSE TWO MEN
WHO JUST LEFT MY OFFICE
REPRESENT SCOTT BAIO.
THE BALD GUY
IN A WHEELCHAIR.
NO, THE ADULT KID ACTOR.
HE JUST TOOK OU A POLICY WITH US.
OH.
BUT SPEAKING OF THE BALD GUY
IN THE WHEELCHAIR,
I HAVE TO ASK YOU,
IS IT TRUE WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE CONCERT LAST NIGHT?
WELL, YES, BUT, SIR, I CAN
EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT ANGRY.
I KNOW YOU WOULDN' GET INVOLVED.
YOU'RE MORE THE, UH,
STAY-IN-THE-VAN TYPE
OF INVESTIGATOR.
[ PAT, PAT ]
AM I RIGHT?
[ PAT, PAT, PAT ]
[ SCREECHING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
YOU KNOW, FRANK...
"R" AND "R" HAS ISSUED
A RESTRAINING ORDER
AGAINST YOU,
SO DO ME A FAVOR AND
STAY AWAY FROM BAYOU,
WOULD YOU?
YOU'RE TOO IMPORTAN AN EMPLOYEE TO LOSE.
AND MATTER OF FACT,
I'M GIVING YOU A PROMOTION.
PROMOTION?
BUT, SIR, I DON'T THINK
I'M READY.
I FELT REALLY BAD
ABOUT JIMMY.
HE WAS A GOOD EMPLOYEE.
[ SMOOCHES ]
EXCEPT WHEN HE USED
THE COMPANY COPIER
TO DISTRIBUTE
HIS GAY NEWSLETTER.
[ DISCO MUSIC PLAYS ]
COME ON, COME ON,
JACK IT UP
GAY NEWSLETTER?
NOT A BAD READ, ACTUALLY.
SO, THAT SETTLES IT,
ALL RIGHT?
YOUR NEW JUNIOR PARTNER
SHOULD BE HERE
RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.
OHH, JIMMY.
I MISS YOU, MAN.
COME ON, COME ON
MAN, YOU WERE GAY.
HI. FRANK?
FRANK McKLUSKY?
I'M SHARON,
YOUR NEW JUNIOR PARTNER.
HEY. HELLO.
I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW PSYCHED I AM
TO BE A C.I. HERE
AT CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
REALLY?
I THINK INVESTIGATING
INSURANCE FRAUD'S
THE LAST FRONTIER
OF LAW ENFORCEMENT.
[ GIGGLES ]
AND WORKING WITH YOU --
A PERSON WITH
SUCH COMMITMENT TO
ACCIDENT PREVENTION --
THAT YOU ARE THE BES CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR
IN THE HISTORY
OF THIS COMPANY.
HE SAID THAT ABOUT ME?
WELL, I'M NOT.
MY DEAD GAY PARTNER,
JIMMY, WAS THE BEST.
IS THIS HIM?
YEAH.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S A COMPANY FRAME,
SO PUT ANY PHOTO IN YOU WANT.
I GOT MORE.
THANKS.
LOOK, FRANK...
I COME FROM A FAMILY
OF 11 SISTERS.
10 OF THEM
ARE STAY-AT-HOME MOMS.
THE 11th -- ME --
IS THE FIRST GIRL
[ SIGHS ] TO WANT MORE...
WA-WAH, WA-WAH-WAH,
WA-WAH.
ALL I'M ASKING FOR
HUH? IS A CHANCE.
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, OKAY.
[ GIGGLES ]
JIMMY AND I WORKED ON
TOGETHER.
HE WAS ONTO SOMETHING
WITH THIS SCOUT BAYOU
CHARACTER.
SCOTT BAIO --
HE'S AN ACTOR, RIGHT?
NO, BALD GUY
IN A WHEELCHAIR.
OH. OKAY.
SO WHERE SHOULD WE START?
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, JIMMY WAS REALLY
THE POINT MAN.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU PICK UP
WHERE JIMMY LEFT OFF?
HOW JIMMY WOULD'VE DONE IT.
[ DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS ]
PROMISE ME.
HIW WOULD HAVE DONE IT.
Frank: RIGHT THEN AND THERE
IT HIT ME,
AND THERE WAS NO DENYING IT.
I KNEW EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD TO DO.
I HAD MADE MY PARTNER A PROMISE
TO FILL HIS FAT SHOES.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO.
EVENTUALLY, I REALIZED
THAT THAT ENTAILED
TAKING OFF MY HELMET.
Frank: I TALKED
TO BAYOU'S NEIGHBOR.
APPARENTLY, HE GOES TO REHAB
AROUND THIS TIME.
SO, THIS GUY REALLY
IS HANDICAPPED?
HANDICAPPED LIKE A FOX.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I MEAN, ROLLER FAKE
OVER THERE CAN PROBABLY
DO THE MOONWALK.
SO YOU HAVE PROOF.
NOT YET...
BUT I GOT A PLAN.
[ METAL SQUEAKING ]
HEY.
[ SQUEAKING CONTINUES ]
[ SQUEAKING STOPS ]
JIMMY ALWAYS SAID
YOU GOTTA GET CLOSE
TO THE CLAIMANT,
FORCE THEM
TO LET THEIR GUARD DOWN.
BUT AREN'T THOSE CASTS
GONNA MAKE IT A LITTLE
HARD FOR YOU --
THESE CASTS, SHARON,
ARE MY TICKET INSIDE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST WEAR ORDERLY SCRUBS?
I SHOULD GO.
WAIT, FRANK.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHAT EVERY GOOD
JUNIOR PARTNER SHOULD.
YEAH?
STAY IN THE VAN.
[ SQUEAKING RESUMES ]
[ GROANING ]
UHH!
UH! UH!
[ INDISTINCT TALKING,
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ SQUEAKING ]
UGH.
[ BANG ]
WHO-OAA! OHH!
[ THUD ]
HUH?
[ SIGHS ]
[ METAL SQUEAKING ]
HOLY MACKEREL!
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!
RUNWAY ACCIDENT.
YOU A PILOT?
UH. SUPERMODEL.
OH.
[ BAYOU GRUNTING ]
HEY, MISTER, CAN I --
YAHH!
HEY, DO YOU KNOW
SCOUT BAYOU?
I HEARD
HE'S A VIETNAM VET.
BEEN COMING HERE
FOR YEARS.
YO, CURLY, CAN YOU
TURN THIS OFF FOR ME?
I HAVE TROUBLE REACHING I FROM THE HARNESS.
SURE. HAVE A NICE DAY.
UH. UH. UH. UH.
[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]
HEY, ARE YOU SCOUT BAYOU?
YEAH. WHAT'S IT TO YOU,
SHIT-NECK?
UH. WELL, I-I WAS
HOPING TO ASK YOU A FEW
QUESTIONS ABOUT --
YOU JUST MOVED YOUR --
HEY, YOU JUST MOVED
YOUR LEG.
NO, I DIDN'T.
YES, YOU DID.
NO, I DIDN'T!
YES, YOU DID.
LET GO OF MY STICK.
YOU'RE A BIG, FAT FAKER.
LET GO OF MY STICK!
YOU'RE A BIG FAKER.
LET GO OF MY STICK!
YOU'RE A FAKER.
I SAW YOU!
YOU CAN TOO WALK.
DID TOO.
HEY, EVERYBODY, SCOUT BAYOU
CAN WALK.
AAAHHHHH! UH!
UH! UH!
HO!
OW! OW!
AHHHH! UH! OW!
UH! OHH!
UH! UH! UH!
OH. UH. OHH.
UH. OH.
OW. UHH.
WELL, HE SURE AS SHI AIN'T GONNA BE WALKIN' NOW.
[ BAYOU GROANING,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
OH! UH! UH! OH! OW!
UH! OH!
UH! OH! UH! UH!
AAAHHHHHH!
UH! UH!
WH-AAAHH!
[ GLASS BREAKING ]
MOM...
JUST THINK OF I AS TEMPORARY.
OH, REALLY?
SO, WHEN YOU SUFFER
A SEVERE HEAD INJURY,
AND I HAVE TO FEED
MY BRAIN-DEAD SON BABY FOOD
THROUGH A STRAW,
WILL THAT BE TEMPORARY?
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ FOOTSTEPS ]
HEY, DARRYL,
WHAT'D YOU DO...TODAY?
DUH. HE WATCHED TV
IN HIS HYPERBARIC SUIT.
LISTEN, FRANKIE,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
YEAH.
YOU SHOULD FIND A JOB
YOU CAN DO FROM THE HOUSE,
LIKE TELEMARKETING
OR UNEMPLOYMENT.
[ GROWLS SOFTLY ]
WELL, I GOT A FULL BOAT.
WHAT DO YOU GOT, DAD?
YOU LOSE. I WIN.
Frank:
THERE WAS ONE GOOD THING ABOU HAVING A BRAIN-DEAD DAD --
HE WAS NEVER A POOR SPORT.
THE BAYOU FILE WAS OBVIOUSLY
A DEAD END,
SO I WENT TO WORK THE NEXT DAY
DETERMINED TO FIND A CLUE
IN JIMMY'S FILE CABINET.
WHAT I FOUND WAS
JIMMY'S PRIVATE DOUGHNUT STASH
AND SOMETHING ELSE.
A REQUISITION FORM.
HEY, FREEDA, CAN YOU GE A FILE FOR --
MAN, IF YOU MAKE ME LATE
FOR HAPPY HOUR,
I'M REALLY GONNA BE P.O.'d.
DOES THAT REQ. FORM
HAS A GAFTY SIGNATURE?
UH...
UH, YEAH.
YEAH, IT DOES.
WELL, OKAY, THEN.
READ ME THE NUMBERS,
WOULD YA, CINNA-BUNS?
2...3...
1...
[ SMACKING CONTINUES ]
Frank: IN REVIEWING THAT FILE,
SOME QUESTIONS AROSE.
"A" -- WHO THE HECK
WAS ENGA DENKMARK?
"B" -- COULD HER FILE
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH JIMMY'S DEATH?
AND "C" --
WAS JIMMY LYING TO ME
WHEN HE SAID IT WAS COMPANY
POLICY FOR PARTNERS TO CHECK
EACH OTHER FOR LUMPS?
ANYWAY, I USED
THE CONGLOMERATE DATABASE
TO FIND OU THAT THIS ENGA DENKMARK
WAS COMPETING IN TOWN
AT THE ANNUAL GYMNASTICS
CHAMPIONSHIPS.
I KNEW I HAD TO GO
AND ASK HER A FEW QUESTIONS
ABOUT HER POLICY.
I SNUCK IN,
SLIPPED INTO THE MEN'S ROOM,
AND PUT ON MY BES JANITOR DISGUISE.
LUCKILY, I HAD THE TIGH BELL-BOTTOM JEANS,
LEATHER VEST,
AND A PENCIL-THIN MUSTACHE
TO MAKE THE DISGUISE COMPLETE.
[ SIGHS ]
UH, UH, THIS
IS THE LADIES' ROOM.
OH.
OH.
HEY, FREEBIES FROM
THE SPONSORS. HEH HEH.
OKAY,
JUST ONE APIECE, ONE APIECE.
LET'S NOT GET GRABBY.
USE THE TAPE.
LADIES, I GOT EVERYTHING
FROM LIGHT FLOW TO TSUNAMI.
[ Romanian accent ]
LEAVE AT ONCE!
THIS IS THE GREA ENGA DENKMARK.
OH.
SHE'S ABOUT TO COMPETE,
AND YOU ARE INTERRUPTING
HER CONCENTRATION.
RELAX, FELLA.
I JUST NEED TO ASK HER
A FEW QUESTIONS.
[ Romanian accent ]
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO
AND SHOW TO THE WORLD
ALL MY GREATNESS.
ACTUALLY, ENGA,
THIS CAN'T WAIT.
IT'S KIND OF IMPOR--
UH.
YOU KNOW?
SOMETHING TELL ME
YOU ARE NOT REALLY JANITOR.
THAT IS THE WORST SCHNEIDER
IMPERSONATION I'VE EVER SEEN.
HOLD ON, SIDEBURNS.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO FIGHT YOU, BRO.
[ BONES CRACKING ]
OH.
[ CHOKING ]
OKAY. DON'T YOU NEED
TO BE OUT THERE?
NO, I AM ALTERNATE.
Frank:
I TRIED TO REASON WITH HER,
EVEN BRIBE HER WITH AN EPILADY.
BUT IF I WAS GONNA
GET OUT OF THIS ONE,
I'D HAVE TO USE MY HEAD.
[ CLANKING ]
I GUESS I HAD PICKED
A PRETTY BAD TIME
TO STOP WEARING MY HELMET.
YOU SAY THAT, SIR,
BUT SOMEONE --
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH.
WHEW.
HI, EVERYBODY,
AND WELCOME TO
THE WOMEN'S PORTION
OF THE 2002 ANNUAL GYMNASTICS
CHAMPIONSHIPS.
I'M PAT O'BRIEN
ALONG WITH OLYMPIC
GOLD MEDALIS DOMINIQUE MOCEANU.
AND, DOMINIQUE,
OUTSIDE OF THE OLYMPICS,
THIS HAS TO BE THE GRANDES STAGE FOR THIS TYPE OF EVENT.
Dominique: ENGA DENKMARK,
THE ROMANIAN SWEETHEART,
WHO WON THE HEARTS
OF THE WORLD LAST OLYMPICS,
WELL, SHE AND HER TEAM
ARE HERE
THREATENING
TO SWEEP THE TEAM
AND INDIVIDUAL EVENTS.
YOU KNOW, WHAT IS
THE REAL STORY ON
THIS COACH CHERNOV?
I'M NO DOCTOR,
BUT IT SEEMS TO ME
SOME OF THESE GALS HAVE
A LITTLE TOO MUCH GUY
IN THE GYNO,
IF YOU, UH,
KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
[ CROWD CHEERING LIGHTLY ]
[ SPRINGS BANGING ]
WHEW!
THIS SPRINGY THING
CAN'T BE TOO SAFE.
[ WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
IN DISTANCE ]
Woman: WOO-HOO!
YEAH!
PSST.
[ JACKET RUSTLING ]
[ Romanian accent ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I TOLD YOU
TO STOP INJECTIONS
THREE WEEKS
PRIOR TO COMPETITION.
HMM?
OH.
[ GASPS ] [ GASPS ]
AND HERE COMES THE ROMANIAN
MILA SOPKOV.
SOPKOV'S SPECIALTY
IS THE VAULT.
IT'S CERTAINLY NOT MAKEUP.
LOOK, ENGA,
I GOT THIS FILE.
UM, IT'S A...
[ SOPKOV RUNNING ]
[ THUD ]
UGH!
OOH.
OOH. THAT'S NOT GOOD.
WOO-HOO. OUCH.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH
BLEEDING INTERNALLY,
WE SHOULD TALK.
WORD, YO.
'CAUSE ME AND MY DOG HERE,
WE COULD SUE THE SHILZ-NI OUT OF THIS JOINT.
EXCUSE ME.
HEY.
WHAT?!
BROTHERS CAN'T CONFISCATE
SOME EVIDENCE AND SHIT?
YEAH.
GET OFF ME, MAN.
THEY'LL HAVE TO GO
TO AN ALTERNATE.
UH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT IRZA TOPNIZKI?
NOTHING MUCH,
OTHER THAN SHE'S
PROBABLY THE OLDES COMPETITOR HERE TODAY.
WELL,
CERTAINLY THE UGLIEST.
NEVERTHELESS,
IT'S UP TO HER
[ EXHALES DEEPLY,
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]
TO KEEP ROMANIA ON TOP
WITH HER FLOOR EXERCISE.
YEAH, YEAH
SHAKE IT UP
[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]
FUNKY RHYTHM
OH, YEAH
UH, UH, UH
THE FUNKY RHYTHM
SAY YEAH
I GOT TO GIVE A,
UH, UH, UH
FUNKY RHYTHM
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH
THE FUNKY RHYTHM
YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
PULL OUT THE BASS
FUNKY RHYTHM
UH, UH, UH,
FUNKY RHYTHM
[ GRUNTING ]
I GOT TO GIVE A,
UH, UH, UH
FUNKY RHYTHM
UH, UH, UH
[ CROWD BOOING ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
HEY, YEAH
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ GRUNTING ]
SHAKE IT UP
YES. UG--
[ CROWD BOOING ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
YEEEEAAAH
[ Echoing ]
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
Pat:
MAYBE THAT TOPNIZKI...
WHO ARE YOU?
LOOK, MY REAL NAME'S
FRANK McKLUSKY.
I'M AN INSURANCE
CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR
FROM
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
HUH?
MY PARTNER WAS MURDERED,
AND THE ONLY LEAD I GO IS YOUR FILE.
YOU IDIOT!
I WILL NOT HAVE US LOSE.
IF YOU TELL ME
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
ABOUT YOUR FILE WITH
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE...
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
I'LL GET YOU YOUR SCORE.
FINE. GET THE SCORE.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
Pat: WELL, IT'S ALL UP
TO TOPNIZKI NOW.
WITH THE CONTEST TIED,
EVEN THE LOWEST OF SCORES
WILL PUT HER TEAM ON TOP.
Dominique:
EVEN A 0.1 WILL DO IT,
BUT THUS FAR, TOPNIZKI
IS NOT GOING TO THE OLYMPICS.
TOPNIZKI IS NOT GOING
TO THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.
[ PANTING ]
HA.
[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]
[ GRUNTING ]
GOOD SO FAR.
ALL SHE NEEDS NOW
IS NOT TO LAND ON HER HEAD
DURING THE DISMOUNT,
AND THEY WIN.
[ THUD ]
OOH!
[ CROWD GROANING ]
OUCH!
UHHHHHH.
OKAY, NOW.
HERE ARE THE JUDGES' SCORES.
0.0...
AND THE FIFTH JUDGE...
0.1.
A VICTORY NOW
FOR THE ROMANIANS.
[ Whispering ] Yes!
I HAVE PIP WITH THEM.
PIP? WHAT'S PIP?
IF I BREAK MY ARM,
I CANNOT GET MY ENDORSEMENT.
AND YOUR COMPANY
PAYS ME $5 MILLION.
PIP.
Frank: SO WITH MY NEW LEAD,
I WENT TO THE FILE DEPARTMEN TO FIND OU WHAT A PIP POLICY WAS.
GOOD THING
FREEDA WASN'T AROUND,
'CAUSE IF SHE CAUGHT ME DIGGING
THROUGH HER FILES,
I'D BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
YAHTZEE.
THIS IS RESTRICTED AREA,
FRANKIE.
YOU KNOW YOU COULD
GET IN A WHOLE LO OF TROUBLE FOR THIS.
UH, LOOK, FREEDA,
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF SOMETHING CALLED
A PIP POLICY?
YOU MEAN P.I.P. --
PROFESSIONAL INJURY POLICY.
A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE
HAVE THEM
TO ENSURE AGAINST CATASTROPHIC,
CAREER-ENDING INJURIES.
THE ONE I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK
WAS A P.I.P.
HEY, UM, DO YOU THINK
I CAN SEE THE REST OF THOSE?
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, FRANK, YOU'D NEED
A REQUISITION FORM,
AND ALL REQUISITION FORMS
NEED TO BE SIGNED BY GAFTY.
[ THUD ]
AND MR. GAFTY
IS A VERY BUSY MAN.
IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY
I COULD, UH...
SURE.
[ NO AUDIO ]
Frank: A MAN'S GOTTA DO
WHAT A MAN'S GOTTA DO.
I GOT THE FILES...
AND A NEW HAIRDO.
BUT I WAS CONCERNED
THAT THIS CASE
WAS GETTING
A LITTLE TOO DANGEROUS
FOR MY NEW JUNIOR PARTNER.
HEY, LOOK, SHARON,
I'M NOT A RISKTAKER, OKAY?
I'M DOING WHAT I'M DOING
FOR JIMMY.
I DON'T WANT TO PU MY JUNIOR PARTNER AT RISK.
WHAT IF I KNEW SOMETHING --
SOMETHING ABOUT THE CASE
AND JIMMY THAT YOU DIDN'T?
WOULD YOU LET ME BE
A PART OF ALL THIS?
WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW
THAT I DON'T KNOW?
COME ON, COME ON
JIMINY CHRISTMAS!
THIS GUY'S GAYNESS
IS OFF THE CHARTS.
HEY, IS THAT HERB?
I FOUND IT IN JIMMY'S
OLD COMPANY FRAME.
I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE
LISTENING TO WHA I COULDN'T DO.
LET ME PROVE TO YOU
WHAT I CAN DO.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
Vicki: CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
PLEASE HOLD.
FRANK, SHARON.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
[ Whispering ]
Okay, you're in,
but I call the shots.
LET'S FOLLOW HERB.
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
PLEASE HOLD.
Frank: THE PICTURE OF JIMMY
AND HERB FRENCHING IN A HOT TUB
LED ME TO WONDER IF HERB
WAS HIDING ANYTHING ELSE.
HEY, HERB.
COME ON, COME ON
McKLUSKY.
I JUST, UH, STOPPED OFF HERE
FOR SOME, UM, SOME CIGARETTES.
YOU DON'T SMOKE.
[ Laughing ]
I'M NOT GAY, DUDE.
Man: HEY,
AND A BEER CHASER.
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ CHEERING ]
YEAH!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
ME AND JIMMY-JAM HAD BEEN
DATING FOR ABOUT A YEAR.
JIMMY-JAM?
ABOUT A MONTH BACK,
HE STARTS ACTING
REALLY NERVOUS.
I THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE
ONTO SOMETHING REALLY BIG.
WHAT? WHAT WAS IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE HAD ME
FORGE GAFTY'S SIGNATURE
ON A REQUISITION FORM.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GE THE FILE ON FRIDAY,
[ Crying ] BUT I GUESS
HE NEVER MADE IT.
OH. MM-HMM.
HOLD ON.
[ PAPER RUSTLING ]
THIS REQUISITION FORM?
THAT'S IT.
RASPBERRY
WAS JIMMY-JAM'S FAVORITE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
[ DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES ]
THE JELLY.
YEAH, IT'S DELICIOUS.
I DIDN'T READ FREEDA
ALL THE NUMBERS.
I GOT THE WRONG FILE.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
WHAT'S CRACKIN',
BEE-ATCHES?
[ GULPS, COUGHS ]
YOU KNOW, HERB,
A FELLOW LIKE YOU
OUGHT TO BE
A LITTLE MORE CAREFUL
OF THE PEOPLE
THAT HE HANGS OUT WITH.
I'D HATE TO SEE THIS TYPE
OF RIFFRAFF
PUT YOU
IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION.
CASE IN POINT,
McKLUSKY HERE HAS HARASSED
AND HURT ONE OF OUR CLIENTS
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.
THREW HIS ASS DOWN
A FLIGHT OF GODDAMN STEPS
IS WHAT HE DONE.
THAT'S RIGHT --
GODDAMN STEPS.
AND WHO KNOWS, HERB?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE NEXT ONE
THAT GETS HURT.
HMM?
HEY, D-- McKLUSKY...
YOUR SHI BETTER START COMPLYING
WITH THAT "RESKRAINING" ORDER
AGAINST YOU.
OR THEY GONNA BE
"RESKRAINING" ME
FROM COMPLYING MY FOO IN YOUR ASS.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
WELL PUT, PARTNER.
LET'S GO.
[ DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES ]
GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT, HERB.
NIGHT, HERB.
[ KEYS JINGLING ]
[ RUSTLING ]
IS ANYBODY THERE?
IS IT A MAN...
MAYBE THAT CUTE BUSBOY
WITH THE OVERBITE
AND THE BOWL CUT?
[ KEYS JINGLING ]
[ FOOTSTEPS ]
OH, MY GOD, IT'S YOU!
Frank: I SPENT ALL MORNING
LOOKING THROUGH THE REQ. FILES
WHILE FREEDA LOOKED LIKE
SHE SWALLOWED J-LO.
DID YOU CHECK THE PAID-OUTS,
SEXY SHORTS?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
PAID-OUTS?
WELL, IF IT WAS A CLAIM
THAT WAS ALREADY ISSUED,
HE WOULDN'T PUT THA IN THE NORMAL P.I.P. FILE,
HE'D PUT THA IN THE PAID-OUTS CABINET.
AND LOOKY
WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
THANKS, FREEDA.
OH, YOU BIG --
UNH-UNH, SAILOR.
[ SIGHS ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ GROANS ]
Frank: WITH THE NEW FILE,
I VISITED BERKSHIRE DOWNS,
HOME OF THE MOST HALLOWED
STATUE IN ALL OF SPORTS.
THERE I FIND A JOCKEY
NAMED PEEDRO JIMENEZ.
JIMMY FIT INTO THAT?
ACTUALLY,
JIMMY DIDN'T HAVE IT,
SO I ORDERED THIS ONE
OFF THE INTERNET --
BIGGEST SIZE THEY HAD.
WOW, IT'S YOUR FIRS DISGUISE.
ARE YOU GONNA STAR YOUR OWN COLLECTION?
MAYBE. [ LAUGHS ]
LOOK,
JUST DO ME A FAVOR.
STAY IN THE VAN
AND COVER MY ASS.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
HEY, DUDES.
HEY.
HEY, BUDDY!
THIS IS
A RESTRICTED AREA!
I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE YOU GET OFF
RUNNING AROUND
JOCKEY LOCKER ROOMS
WITH YOUR BUTT CRACK
HALF EXPOSED,
BUT NOT ON MY WATCH,
BUSTER BROWN.
OKAY, SHAQ, YOU'RE IN
LOCKER NUMBER FIVE.
PEPE.
HEY.
HEY, MY MAN,
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
THIS GUY, WOULD YOU?
[ Spanish accent ] YES,
HIS NAME PEEDRO JIMENEZ,
THE GREATEST JOCKEY EVER
TO COME OUT OF GUATEMALA,
UNTIL HE BREAK HIS LEG.
BREAK HIS LEG?
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IF HE FAKED
THE INJURY TO COLLEC THE INSURANCE MONEY,
JIMMY FOUND OUT,
AND PEEDRO HAD HIM KILLED?
THAT GOOD THEORY.
THANK YOU.
ONLY, PEEDRO -- HE DEAD.
WHOA, SHORT STACK,
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LOOK, PANCHO NO WANT TO
TALK ABOUT THIS.
RIDERS FOR TIME TRIALS.
GET YOUR SHRIMPY LITTLE
BODIES ON DECK.
HEY, PANCHO, WAIT.
AND THIS IS WHERE
YOUR FREAKY LITTLE
CHARADE ENDS.
[ Sarcastically ]
THREE DOLLARS!
[ LAUGHS ]
GO AHEAD.
[ SIGHS ]
HEY, WILT CHAMBERLAIN,
YOU'RE GONNA BE RIDING
HORSE NUMBER SIX TODAY,
HORNY HAL.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ HORSE NEIGHS ]
PANCHO, PANCHO!
HEY, HOLD ON.
MY REAL NAME'S
FRANK McKLUSKY.
I'M AN INSURANCE CLAIMS
INVESTIGATOR.
SEOYOU NO SHOULD BE
ON THAT HORSE.
HE NO RACE NO MORE.
HAL ONLY AROUND
TO HAVE THE SEX ALL DAY.
ES UN STUD, COMPRENDE?
NO, I-I DON'T SPEAK
ITALIAN, SORRY.
LOOK, PEEDRO'S FILE SAID
HE REPORTED A CLAIM,
SAID HE BROKE HIS LEG,
GOT PAID OUT.
YES, PERO HE NO GET A CHANCE
TO GET THE DINERO.
HE DIE TWO DAY LATER.
ONLY HIS WIFE
GET HIS LIFE INSURANCE.
SO, ANYWAYS, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT --
[ BELL RINGS ]
AAAH! WHOA! WHOA!
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
HEY, PANCHO, HOW DO YOU STEER
THIS THING?
NO! NO! NO!
NO, NOT THIS WAY!
AAAH! OKAY, SLOW IT DOWN,
SLOW IT DOWN!
WHOA!
[ HAL NEIGHING ]
WELL, THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
PHEW! COME ON, HAL.
[ NEIGHING CONTINUES ]
HI.
COME ON, HAL.
[ HAL NEIGHS ]
SO, WHY'D YOU BRING ME
HERE, ANYWAY?
WELL, FOR EIGH STRAIGHT YEARS,
THIS IS WHERE
JIMMY AND I USED TO GO
AFTER ALL OUR CASES.
IT'S LIKE JUST YESTERDAY
HE WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE.
[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]
GEE, I MISS
THAT FAT BASTARD.
[ Chinese accent ]
MR. FRANK...
YOU LIKE MY LO MEIN?
LO MEIN WAS
COWBOY JIMMY'S FAVORITE.
IT WAS, WASN'T IT?
"HAIRY GATO," SLIM.
SOME PEOPLE SEARCH
THE WHOLE...
FRANK, HAVE YOU GONE BACK
TO JIMMY'S PLACE,
YOU KNOW, TO SEE IF HE LEF ANYTHING BEHIND?
SHARON, I'M YOUR SENIOR.
DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD'VE
THOUGHT OF THAT?
I TOLD YOU, HIS PLACE
WAS CLEANED OUT,
MINUS THIS ONE SISSY FLICK.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE. IT'S REALLY NO A BIG DEAL.
Frank: I TOOK SHARON
TO WATCH THE TAPE.
MOM WASN'T USED TO ME
WORKING AT HOME.
FRANK!
YOU BROUGHT COMPANY!
AND IT'S A GIRL!
[ Sarcastically ]
GREAT.
HI, I'M SHARON.
[ GIGGLES ]
OH, YOU'RE
THE LITTLE HUSSY
THAT'S GOT HIM
GALLIVANTING ALL OVER TOWN
WITHOUT A HELMET.
MOM, I TOLD YOU, UH --
OH, NO, IT'S OKAY.
FALL DOWN AND DIE.
SEE IF I CARE.
YOU KNOW, MOM, SHARON AND I
HAVE TO GO UP TO MY ROOM
AND WORK ON A CASE.
A CASE OF HERPES
FROM THE LOOKS OF HER.
FRANKIE, REMEMBER
TO WEAR PROTECTION.
MOM, YOU'RE
EMBARRASSING ME.
OH. [ LAUGHS ]
HEY, I KNOW HIM!
HE WAS LIKE EVEL KNIEVEL,
ONLY HE SUCKED.
HE'S MY DAD.
IS HE SLEEPING?
YEAH...
FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
[ FARTS ]
THAT'S A REACTION
TO THE MEDICATION.
MNH.
[ Grunting ] TOTALLY NORMAL.
LET'S GO WATCH THE TAPE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
WELL, THIS IS MY ROOM.
YOU KNOW, FRANK...
I BET JIMMY
WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD OF YOU,
PUTTING YOUR FEARS ASIDE
TO -- TO FIND OU WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.
IT'S, LIKE,
HERO STUFF, FRANK.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU THINK?
YEAH, I DO.
[ SIGHS ]
IS THIS REALLY LOVE?
IS THIS REALLY LOVE?
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ Music grinds to a halt ]
IS --
THE TAPE!
THE TAPE
HAS TAPE ON IT!
HUH?
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO
WHEN YOU WANT TO TAPE
OVER SOMETHING!
WHAT IF JIMMY TAPED OVER
"PRISCILLA, QUEEN
OF THE DESERT"?
DID YOU WATCH
THE WHOLE THING?
I-I'VE -- NO.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO.
[ VIDEOTAPE SQUEALING ]
BAYOU?
YAHTZEE! THIS MUST BE
THE INFORMATION
JIMMY WAS TALKING ABOUT.
IS THAT --
IT'S BAYOU...
...AND HE'S WALKING!
[ CRASH ]
WHY'D HE DO THAT?
LET'S GO FIND OUT.
HEY, KIDS,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
OH, MY GOD!
SHE'S NOT PREGNANT, IS SHE?
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
Frank: I FINALLY HAD BAYOU,
BUT IN ORDER TO MAKE THE BUST,
I KNEW I NEEDED
THE MOST DISCREET COSTUME YET.
I-I'M REALLY HAPPY
TO GET TO WEAR
A DISGUISE THIS TIME,
BUT WHY IS MINE SO SMALL?
EXACTLY.
[ CHAINS JINGLING ]
[ DOOR OPENS ]
YES?
DO I KNOW YOU?
WE'RE C.I.s FROM
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE,
AND WE WERE WONDERING
IF YOU COULD ANSWER
A FEW QUESTIONS.
TALK TO MY LAWYERS!
OKAY.
WAIT A MINUTE!
HUH?
YOU'RE THE PSYCHO
FROM THE CONCER AND FROM THE REHAB CENTER!
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
ASSHOLE,
I LOST THE USE OF MY LEGS
FIGHTING FOR DEMOCRACY
IN VIETNAM!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE CONFINED
TO A WHEELCHAIR AT AGE 19?!
DO YOU?!
A SNIPER'S BULLET SNATCHED AWAY
MY FUTURE THAT DAY,
AND I REFUSE TO LET YOU
DO THE SAME!
I HAVE
SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE
OF YOU PUSHING A CAR
OFF A CLIFF.
LATER.
HUH! HUH! YA!
LET'S GET HIM!
YA!
OOH! OOH!
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE!
YOU OKAY?
IT WAS LIKE A GIGANTIC
BALD TORNADO.
YOU STAY ON HIM, FRANK.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS GUY.
YEAH.
UGH!
HEY!
YEAH! WHAT'S UP?! WHA!
[ METAL DINGS ]
OOH! UGH!
OOH!
WHOO!
Frank: HOLD THE ELEVATOR!
[ CHAINS JINGLING ]
[ PANTING ]
[ INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY ]
IT'S OVER, BAYOU.
OOOOOOOH!
OOH! OOH!
[ WARBLING TONGUE ]
[ WHACK! WHACK! ]
OHH! WHA!
AWWW!
HEY, KNOCKING OFF MY MOHAWK'S
JUST NOT COOL.
[ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ]
WHOO!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ PANTING ]
[ HEART THUMPING ]
THIS IS DEFINITELY
NOT SAFE.
COME ON, FRANK,
YOU CAN DO IT!
OH, RIGHT...
I REMEMBER
WHO YOU ARE, MAN.
YOUR DAD DIDN'T DO
HIS JUMP,
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO
THIS ONE!
COME ON!
COME ON, GET ME!
POW! COME ON!
JUMP!
THAT'S RIGHT!
YOU CAN DO IT, FRANK!
[ Chanting ]
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP,
YOU SISSY-ASS BITCH!
HMM?
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
[ HEART THUMPING ]
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
Madman: ARE YOU READY
FOR THE MADMAN TO...
LAUGH AT SAFETY?
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP!
HA HA HA HA HA!
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
[ SIGHS ]
OHH!
YOU'RE PATHETIC, McKLUSKY.
YOU ALWAYS WILL BE.
HEE HEE HEE HEE!
WHOO!
[ GROANS ]
FRANK, WHAT HAPPENED
UP THERE?
I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT.
WORD ON THE STREET IS
YOU'RE A SISSY-ASS BITCH.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT REALLY
HELPING THINGS!
WHAT?! WHAT'D I SAY?!
[ CHAINS JINGLING ]
FRANK, WHAT YOU DID
UP THERE -- IT WAS GREAT.
SHARON, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU WERE PAYING
ATTENTION OR NOT,
BUT I GOT BEAT UP,
AND THE BAD GUY GOT AWAY.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY
THE KIND OF PERFORMANCE
YOU GET A PLAQUE FOR.
BUT YOU TRIED.
THAT'S SOMETHING
TO BE PROUD OF, RIGHT?
YEAH, WELL,
FOR SOME REASON,
RIGHT NOW
I DON'T FEEL SO PROUD.
[ SIGHS ]
[ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ]
Frank: I DRAGGED
MY BATTERED BODY INTO THE VAN
AND HEADED BACK TO THE OFFICE.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
Vicki: CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
PLEASE HOLD.
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
PLEASE HOLD.
HEY, WHERE'S HERB?
YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW?
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT?
OH, AND YOU HAVE
A PHONE MESSAGE, TOO...
...A REAL ONE.
[ SIGHS ]
MR. GAFTY
WANTS TO SEE ME.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
OH, FRANK,
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
PLEASE, PLEASE,
COME IN, COME IN.
HAVE A SEAT.
THIS IS BOBBY.
I'M HIS BIG BROTHER.
YOU KNOW, IT'S "BRING
A LITTLE BUDDY TO WORK" DAY.
HELLO.
WHAT'S UP, DUDE?
[ LAUGHS ]
UH, SIR...
IS IT -- IS IT TRUE?
IS HERB DEAD?
YES, YES, SADLY, IT'S TRUE,
DEAD AS A DOORKNOB.
[ SIGHS ]
LOOK, MR. GAFTY,
I'VE GOT INFORMATION
ABOUT SCOUT BAYOU.
AS IT TURNS OUT --
AS A MATTER OF FACT, THAT'S
KIND OF WHY YOU'RE UP HERE.
HUH?
THIS, UH, BAYOU CHARACTER,
WELL, HIS LAWYERS CALLED.
APPARENTLY YOU'RE
STILL HARASSING HIM,
EVEN THOUGH WE TOOK YOU
OFF THE FILE,
EVEN THOUGH YOU GO THE RESTRAINING ORDER
AGAINST YOU.
YEAH, BUT --
LOOK,
THIS IS NEVER EASY,
BUT I'M AFRAID
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK
FOR YOUR C.I. BADGE.
MY BADGE?
YEAH, YOUR BADGE.
YOU DEAF?
[ LAUGHS ]
HEH. HEH.
THIS JOB'S
ALL I EVER CARED ABOUT.
IT'S THE ONLY THING
I EVER BELIEVED IN.
I'M -- I'M SORRY, FRANK.
[ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ]
OH, UH, FRANK...
I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE
FRIENDS AND STUFF.
HA.
FRANK!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
HI, THIS IS JERRY
IN CLAIMS.
Frank: "DEAR SHARON,
"SOMETHING TERRIBLE
HAS HAPPENED.
"PERHAPS VICKI'S ILLUSTRATION
CAN BEST EXPLAIN IT.
"SINCERELY, FRANK McKLUSKY,
NOT A C.I."
WHOA!
DO I KNOW YOU?
Frank: AND YOU THOUGH WHEN ROSE McGOWAN WORE I IT WAS OFFENSIVE.
I'M FRANK'S
JUNIOR PARTNER.
UH, I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR.
I NEED A PRINTOU OF ALL THE P.I.P. POLICIES
THAT ARE DOUBLE COVERED.
AND WHY WOULD I DO THA FOR YOU?
LOOK, FREEDA,
FRANK MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE.
DIDN'T I TELL YOU
THIS WOULD HAPPEN?
THE WORLD IS A VERY DANGEROUS,
VERY HORRIBLE PLACE.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THOUGH I COULD CHANGE THINGS,
STOP FRAUDULENT CLAIMS,
PROTECT THE INNOCENT.
HA!
OH.
BUT I FAILED.
MOST IMPORTANT,
I FAILED JIMMY.
YES, YOU DID,
BUT THAT'S WHY I'M HERE,
TO TAKE CARE OF YOU
LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE.
OH, HONEY...
[ THUD ]
[ SIGHS ]
DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S TIME YOU CAME HOME?
AW, DAD...
SOMETIMES I WISH
YOU COULD HEAR ME,
GIVE ME SOME ADVICE,
TELL ME WHAT TO DO,
HOW TO BE.
[ FARTS ]
BUT THEN THERE'S
YOUR ANSWER, HUH?
DON'T END UP LIKE YOU.
[ GRUNTING ]
OH.
WHOA! OH! UGH! UGH!
[ METAL CLANKING ]
[ BONES CRACKING ]
[ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
I'VE GOT SOME INFORMATION
ABOUT THE CASE.
DIDN'T YOU GET MY NOTE?
I'M OUT, SHARON.
JUST GIVE ME
FIVE MINUTES.
[ SIGHS ]
I HAD THE TAPE ENHANCED.
NOW, TELL ME
WHAT YOU SEE.
IS THAT -- WHOA!
AW!
UGH!
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
A TINY SATIN CAP?
THAT, FRANK,
IS A JOCKEY'S HAT.
OH.
"FAMED JOCKEY
PEEDRO JIMENEZ'S CAR
CAREENED OFF A CLIFF
LATE LAST NIGHT."
THAT JOCKEY DIDN'T DIE
BY ACCIDENT, FRANK.
HE WAS MURDERED.
READ IT.
HERE'S A LIS OF ALL THE P.I.P. POLICIES.
OH, COOL, SCOTT BAIO
HAS A P.I.P. POLICY!
BUT WHY ARE THERE
TWO ROWS OF NUMBERS?
BECAUSE SOME P.I.P. POLICIES
ARE DOUBLE COVERED --
THAT WAS THE CLASSIFIED
INFORMATION --
INCLUDING PEEDRO JIMENEZ.
HIS P.I.P.'s FOR $5 MILLION
AND HIS LIFE INSURANCE
IS FOR ONLY 75 GRAND?
IF YOU WERE
AN INSURANCE COMPANY,
WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER PAY OUT,
FIVE FIGURES OR SEVEN?
CONGLOMERATE --
THEY KILLED JIMMY
WHEN HE WAS ONTO THEM.
WE NEED TO WARN EVERYBODY
ON THAT LIST,
AND WE CAN STAR WITH SCOTT BAIO.
HE'S DOING
"CELEBRITY BIG TOP"
AT SAUGUS SPEEDWAY.
S-S-SAUGUS SPEEDWAY?
UH-HUH.
BEAT IT, HUSSY.
MY SON IS DONE RISKING
HIS LIFE FOR A PAYCHECK.
MRS. McKLUSKY,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
FRANK AND I WERE --
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT ANYTHING?
UNTIL YOU WITNESS
YOUR HUSBAND EXPLODE
IN FRONT OF 5,000 PEOPLE,
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DO KNOW,
MRS. McKLUSKY.
I KNOW FRANK WAS BORN TO BE
A CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR.
FRANK,
IF YOU DON'T TAKE A STAND
RIGHT HERE AND NOW,
THEN WE ALL LOSE,
AND PEOPLE LIKE THEM,
THEY WIN.
I WILL FIGH TO GET YOU YOUR MONEY,
AND WHEN I'M DONE
GETTING YOU YOUR MONEY,
I WILL GO GET YOU
SOME MORE MONEY.
THAT'S RIGHT, BIZOY,
'CAUSE WE GO THE MAD BENJAMINS
IN THE HIZ-OUSE.
ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW.
IT'S UP TO YOU.
[ SIGHS ]
I'M SORRY, SHARON,
I CAN'T GO
TO SAUGUS SPEEDWAY.
IT'S WHERE MY DAD BLEW UP.
I JUST CAN'T.
NO, I'M SORRY, FRANK.
I GUESS I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SOMEBODY ELSE.
WHAAA! AAAH!
UH, SHARON,
ARE YOU OKAY?
IT SOUNDED LIKE
YOU FELL DOWN SOME STEPS.
I DID, BUT THAT'S LIFE,
FRANK.
SOMETIMES
PEOPLE FALL DOWN.
BUT DON'T YOU GET IT?!
IT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU QUIT WALKING!
WHAAA! AAAH!
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
UGH!
YEAH, I COULDN'T HEAR
A WORD YOU SAID.
I'M WEARING THE HELMET,
REMEMBER?
[ WHIMPERS ]
HMM!
WELCOME TO "CELEBRITY BIG TOP."
I'M YOUR HOST, GARY OWENS.
TODAY YOU'LL SEE SUCH OLD
FAVORITES AS LOU FERRIGNO,
EMMANUEL LEWIS,
WILLIE TYLER AND LESTER,
EVEN A BROKEN NOSE COULDN' KEEP ME FROM THIS EVENT.
A BROKEN NOSE?
[ GASPS ]
OH, NO!
SCOUT BAYOU'S GONNA BE THERE
TODAY TO KILL SCOTT BAIO.
I GOT TO WARN SHARON.
FRANKIE!
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
MOM, I GOT TO HELP
SHARON.
SHE'S MY PARTNER,
AND SHE NEEDS ME.
I CAN'T QUIT ON HER NOW.
A GOOD C.I. --
NEWS FLASH --
USUALLY WHEN A PERSON
GETS FIRED,
THEY DON'T DO THAT JOB
ANYMORE.
THAT'S JUST IT, MOM.
MY JOB MIGHT BE OVER,
BUT MY LIFE'S
JUST BEGINNING.
I'M JUST REALIZING
THAT NOW.
DON'T YOU SEE?
EVER SINCE JIMMY DIED,
I FINALLY BEGAN LIVING.
I REMEMBER DAD ALWAYS HAD
A SMILE ON HIS FACE.
NOW I KNOW WHY.
[ THUD ]
'CAUSE HE WAS ALIVE.
I ALIVE.
YEAH, HOLD ON, DAD,
I-I'M GETTING TO SOMETHING HERE.
OHH! LARRY!
DAD!
OH!
OH, HONEY! OH!
UGH! [ LAUGHS ]
OH!
[ LAUGHS ] OH, THANKS.
I'D HUG YOU GUYS BACK,
BUT I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS.
MY MUSCLES KIND OF ATROPHIED
ON ACCOUNT OF
THE UNCONSCIOUS-COMA
SORT OF DEAL, SO...
EDITH, YOU'RE A GOOD WOMAN --
YOU ALWAYS WERE --
BUT, DAMN IT, YOU GOTTA
LET GO OF THE BOY.
YOU RAISED A TOUGH KID.
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
[ CRACKING ]
A-A-A-AND I'M SPENT.
I GOTTA GO.
FRANKIE, WAIT!
LOOK, MOM,
I TOLD YOU, I --
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE
A DAREDEVIL HERO...
...I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA NEED SOMETHING.
[ HINGES CREAK ]
SAY, "YEAH!"
OW!
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ REVVING ]
[ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK!
WHAT?
[ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
[ AIR HISSES ]
[ GASPS ]
[ Normal voice ]
I SAID...
[ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK.
SAY, "YEAH!"
Frank:
I HAD THE MADMAN'S MOTO-PSYCHO,
AND I HAD
THE MADMAN'S JUMPSUIT.
NOW I NEEDED TO SEE IF I HAD
THE MADMAN'S ABILITIES.
AAAH!
[ THUD ]
OH!
Owens: BROADCASTING LIVE
FROM SAUGUS, CALIFORNIA,
IT'S "CELEBRITY BIG TOP"!
[ CROWD GASPS ]
WOW!
WEBSTER
DOESN'T EVEN FLINCH
AS THE HULK WINGS
THOSE KNIVES AT HIM.
IF COURAGE WERE MEASURED
IN HEIGHT,
THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH
WOULD BE 10 FEET TALL.
[ METAL PINGS ]
DUDE, WATCH THE 'FRO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW HIM
FROM "HAPPY DAYS,"
YOU KIND OF REMEMBER HIM
FROM "CHARLES IN CHARGE,"
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY UNAWARE
THAT HE WAS ON
"DIAGNOSIS MURDER."
LET'S GIVE A BIG ROUND
OF APPLAUSE FOR...
SCOTT BAIO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ Laughing ]
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH!
WHOO!
IT'S HIM -- SCOUT BAYOU!
[ SHOES SQUEAKING ]
[ DRUMROLL ]
WELL, APPARENTLY
AN ANGRY CLOWN
AND A WOMAN FROM THE CROWD
HAVE DECIDED TO JOIN THE FUN.
LET'S GIVE THEM A BIG ROUND
OF APPLAUSE, SHALL WE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ ENGINE RUMBLING ]
[ SIGHS ]
GUESS WHO'S BACK.
[ WHISTLING ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ DRUMROLL CONTINUES ]
BAIO! GET BACK HERE!
Owens: OH, NO!
THE CLOWN
IS ABOUT TO CUT THE WIRE
WITH HIS GIANT WIRE CUTTERS.
IS THIS THE END
FOR SCOTT BAIO?
[ ALL GASP ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
HEY, LOOK --
IT'S AMERICA'S FAVORITE
JIVE-TALKIN' PUPPET.
IT'S LESTER!
WHAT'S UP, YO?!
Sharon: NO!
DON'T LOOK AT THE PUPPET!
LOOK AT THE CLOWN, THE CLOWN!
HEY!
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, DAD.
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
AAAAAH!
[ GASPS ]
AAAAAH!
CHACHI-I-I-I!
CHACHI!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
FRANK!
YOU SHOWED UP! AAAH!
STAY RIGHT THERE, McKLUSKY,
OR SHE DIES!
[ CROWD GASPS ]
STOP THE CAR, PUPPET.
WHAT?
HIT THE FREAKIN' GAS,
LESTER!
CHILL, MY MAN!
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
HOLD ON, BAIO.
[ ENGINE REVS ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
UGH! WHOA!
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL,
HORNS BLARE ]
[ HORNS HONKING ]
[ WHIMPERING ]
WHO ARE YOU?!
AND WHAT'S THIS
ALL ABOUT?!
NAME'S FRANK McKLUSKY.
I WAS AN INSURANCE CLAIMS
INVESTIGATOR.
OH.
REMEMBER EPISODE 66
OF "CHARLES IN CHARGE,"
WHEN YOU GOT BONKED
ON THE HEAD
AND BECAME YOUR EVIL
ALTER EGO CHAS,
WHO THEN BEAT UP
DANIEL BALDWIN
AT THE PIZZA PARLOR?
YEAH. WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH ANYTHING?
NOTHING. YOU WERE JUS GREAT IN THAT EPISODE.
WHAT?!
[ PANTING ]
[ GRUNTING ]
UH-OH.
HYAH!
OH!
[ GASPS ]
WHO THE HELL
ARE YOU?
I'M JUST A PUPPETEER, MAN!
DON'T KILL ME!
UGH!
AAAH! WATCH OUT!
UGH!
WHOA!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
ARE YOU OKAY?
THANKS FOR TRYING
TO SAVE ME.
[ PANTING ]
WHOA.
DUDE...
YOUR NOSE.
OH, JEEZ.
MY LAWYER TOLD ME
THAT I COULD PICK UP
SOME QUICK CASH
BY DOING THIS.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING --
JOANIE MAY LOVE CHACHI,
BUT CHACHI HATES
THE RESIDUALS.
McKLUSKY!
I TOLD YOU,
BUT YOU COULDN'T LEAVE
WELL ENOUGH ALONE, COULD YOU?
AND NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO
DO YOU THE WAY I DID HERB!
WAIT, YOU'RE GAY, TOO?
I KILLED HIM, ASSHOLE.
[ VEHICLE APPROACHES ]
AW! [ GROANS ]
WELL, WELL, WELL.
ISN'T IT NICE
THAT THE GANG'S
ALL HERE?
AND WHAT A PLACE
FOR THE PARTY,
A PLACE I LIKE TO CALL
"ADIOS, PEEDRO."
TELL ME YOU KILLED
MY PARTNER AND THE RES OF THOSE OTHER PEOPLE
FOR SOMETHING
OTHER THAN THE MONEY.
NO, IT WAS ALL
FOR THE MONEY.
YOU SEE, McKLUSKY,
I HAD YOUR ASS PEGGED
AS A SHUT-IN FREAK.
I THOUGHT I COULD PU YOUR EAGER ASS
WITH McKLUSKY
AND HAVE HIM STIFLE YOU
WITH A MILLION RULES
AND REGULATIONS,
BUT, NO, YOU TWO HAD TO GO
AND ACT AS A TEAM.
WELL, NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE
AS A TEAM.
KILL THEM, BAYOU,
AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE
AN ACCIDENT.
I'M NOT KILLING ANYONE.
I WAS TALKING TO
THE BALD GUY, JACKASS.
OH.
NOOOO!
[ GUNSHOT ]
[ THUD ]
UGH!
[ THUD ]
OHHH!
RRRRRR.
Sharon: FRANK,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
[ LAUGHS ]
WOW.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ METAL CREAKING ]
WHAT THE HELL?!
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
STRONG GIRL.
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
WHOA!
[ CRASHING ]
OUCH.
I GUESS THIS HANDBOOK
WAS GOOD FOR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW IT'S AGAINS RULE 38, SUBSET 6B,
FOR A SENIOR
TO KISS HIS JUNIOR.
YEAH, WELL...
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
SCREW THE BOOK.
[ WHOOSHING ]
[ THUD ]
OW!
OKAY, WHO'S THE DICK
THROWIN' BOOKS?
[ SLAP! ]
AAAH!
ARE YOU OKAY, FRANKIE?
UH, FREEDA,
HAVE YOU MET SCOTT BAIO?
HE'S A ROCK-'N'-ROLL
SUPERHUNK.
PHEW!
GOOD CALL.
RRRRRRR.
EW. UH, UH, UH...
WANT TO TOUCH MY BOOBS?
HOW'S THAT, NOW?
[ LAUGHS ]
Frank: EVERYTHING
TURNED OUT ALL RIGHT.
I FOUND JIMMY'S KILLER,
GOT THE GIRL,
AND MY DAD FELL OUT OF
HIS UNCONSCIOUS-COMA TYPE DEAL,
WHICH REMINDED ME...
THERE'S ONE MORE THING
I NEED TO DO.
...WITH SCOTT BAIO'S
PHONY-NOSE CONFESSION,
I FINALLY HAD THE EVIDENCE
TO PUT AWAY THE REIGNING KINGS
OF INSURANCE FRAUD
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
THE ROSENGOLDS DID IT!
[ GAVEL BANGS ]
Judge: I HEREBY SENTENCE
THE ROSENGOLDS
TO 20 YEARS
IN A MAXIMUM-SECURITY PRISON.
Ronnie: A GRIEVOUS ERROR,
YOUR HONOR!
I OBJECT THE SHI OUT OF THIS BEE-ATCH!
A TRAVESTY!
THEY GONNA TURN ME
INTO A GIRL, RONNIE!
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
[ CHEERING ]
Frank: MY DAD ALWAYS SAID
YOU CAN'T ACHIEVE ANYTHING
WITHOUT TAKING A RISK.
HE WAS RIGHT.
I TOOK A CHANCE ON MYSELF,
AND I PUT MY FAMILY
BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
[ UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYS ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ MUSIC ENDS ]
Man: THE YEAR WAS 1979.
MY DAD WAS
AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME.
HE WAS A THRILL SEEKER,
A DAREDEVIL,
A MAN WHO, FOR 11 YEARS,
WOULD KEEP THE FAMILY NAME
SYNONYMOUS WITH SOME OF THE
GREATEST STUNTS EVER ATTEMPTED.
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
MY DAD...WAS NOT THAT GUY.
NOPE. WE WERE THE McKLUSKYS.
MY DAD WAS THE GRANDSON
OF ALBERT McKLUSKY,
ONE OF THE GREAT PIONEERS
OF -- WELL, STUFF LIKE THIS...
AND THIS.
OH, AND HERE'S MY FAVORITE.
OOH! BAM!
ALL THIS CULMINATED
WITH MY DAD.
HE WAS THE BEST OF THE BUNCH.
YEP, WHEN IT CAME TO PERFORMING
AT HALF-EMPTY FLEA MARKETS,
MY FATHER HAD NO PEER.
THERE'S ME, MY MOM,
AND MY BABY BROTHER, DARRYL.
[ HORN HONKING TUNE ]
AND THAT GUY
TEETERING DANGEROUSLY
ON THE ROOF OF THE VAN...
HE ALSO HAPPENED
TO BE MY DAD.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME A MAN
THAT EVEL KNIEVEL HIMSELF
ONCE CALLED
A GODDAMNED CRAZY BASTARD...
MADMAN McKLUSKY!
WHOOOOAA!
[ THUD ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HA HA!
HA HA.
[ FEEDBACK ]
THAT WAS A STUNT!
DONE TOTALLY ON PURPOSE!
HONEY, WE HAVE TO TALK.
HUH?
LITTLE FRANK
IS TOTALLY OBSESSED.
ALL HE DOES IS TALK ABOU YOU AND YOUR ACCIDENTS.
A-AND LATELY,
WHEN I LOOK IN HIS EYES,
I SEE THIS STRANGE --
OOP -- YOU SEE
THE McKLUSKY STARE.
ALL McKLUSKYS
HAVE IT, SON...
EXCEPT FOR GRANDPA
ELMO McKLUSKY --
BLEW HIS EYEBALLS OU SWALLOWING DYNAMITE
AT A CARNIVAL.
MAD, I THINK, UH,
MAYBE WE SHOULD SCRAP
THE JUMP.
WHAT?
YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD
GODDAMNED REASON WHY.
THE BOYS AND I --
WE ASSEMBLED THE MOTORCYCLE
AT -- AT LUNCHTIME,
AND WE'VE BEEN DRUNK
SINCE BREAKFAST.
WE KIND OF RAN OU OF GASOLINE,
SO WE FILLED THE TANK
WITH LIGHTER FLUID.
JUST GIVE ME
THE DAMN ODDS.
[ SIGHS ]
[ CLICKING ]
THERE'S A 99.999% PROBABILITY
YOU'RE GONNA EXPLODE.
[ GASPS ]
GIVE OR TAKE A BEER.
[ BURPS ]
LITTLE FRANK,
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THERE'S A COUPLE OF REASONS
WHY I NEVER LIVE MY LIFE
BY THE ODDS.
NUMBER ONE, YOU CAN'T EVER
ACHIEVE ANYTHING
UNLESS YOU TAKE A RISK.
AND "B," I AIN'T SO SMAR WITH MATH.
Madman: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
Crowd chanting:
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MADMAN
TO...LAUGH AT SAFETY?
HA HA!
Chanting:
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
[ MOTORCYCLE REVS ]
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
Frank: WHEN I SAW MY DAD
TAKE OFF THAT DAY,
I KNEW ONE OF TWO THINGS
WAS GOING TO HAPPEN --
EITHER THIS JUMP WAS GONNA
PUT HIM ALL OVER THE MAP...
[ ALL GASP ]
...OR IT WAS GONNA PUT HIM
ALL OVER THE PARKING LOT.
[ GASPS ]
[ SIREN WAILS,
TIRES SCREECH ]
Woman on PA:
X-RAY TECH TO I.C.U.
X-RAY TECH TO I.C.U.
MRS. McKLUSKY?
YES.
IT'S YOUR HUSBAND.
HE'S IN AN UNCONSCIOUS
COMA-TYPE DEAL,
BUT WITH SOME OF OUR RADICAL,
CUTTING-EDGE TREATMENTS
AND, UH, A LITTLE HELP
FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS,
I THINK WE CAN REVIVE HIM.
THAT IS IF YOUR INSURANCE
WERE ANY DAMN GOOD.
I SEE IT EVERY WEEK --
SMALL INSURANCE COMPANY
GETS HIT WITH SOME PHONY,
MISGUIDED CLAIM.
THEY DON'T HAVE THE MEANS
TO FIGHT, SO THEY FOLD.
ANYHOO, MONTY, ED,
WANT TO GET ME THE VEGETABLE
IN THE JUMPSUI Man: YES, DOCTOR.
IN THE BACK THERE?
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT PHONY, MISGUIDED CLAIM?
EXCUSE ME.
MY NAME IS RONNIE ROSENGOLD.
THIS IS MY BROTHER
REGGIE ROSENGOLD.
WE'RE OF ROSENGOLD AND
ROSENGOLD, ATTORNEYS AT LAW.
I'M SORRY.
YOU -- YOU GUYS ARE RELATED?
YEAH, MY SHI WAS ADOPTED.
YES.
WE REPRESENT THE CROWD
THAT WITNESSED YOUR HUSBAND'S
EXPLOSION TODAY.
AND WELL, WE'VE FILED
A RATHER [LAUGHS] NASTY
CLASS-ACTION SUI AGAINST YOU.
BUT FOR WHAT?
YOU NEVER HEARD OF 'MOTIONAL
STRESS AND SHIT?
DO YOU REALIZE
MY HUSBAND IS NOT RECEIVING
PROPER MEDICAL TREATMEN BECAUSE
OF YOUR FRIVOLOUS LAWSUIT?
MOVING ON...
SINCE MADMAN TECHNICALLY
WAS NEVER AIRBORNE,
WE'RE ALSO SUING YOU
FOR FALSE ADVERTISING.
MM-HMM. UH-HUH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BROTHERS DON'T PLAY.
WE WANT THE MON-EY.
YEAH.
Frank: AS FOR ME, THAT'S WHEN
EVERYTHING CHANGED.
MON-EY, HON-EY.
HA HA HA.
WHOO! HA HA.
YES!
Frank: HEY, I CAN DO
THE JUMP, MOM.
NO!
I WILL NOT LET I HAPPEN AGAIN.
I WON'T SIT BY
AND LET YOU OR LITTLE DARRYL
FOLLOW
IN YOUR FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS.
[ DOORS OPEN ]
[ STEAM HISSING ]
I SWEAR...MY FAMILY
IS ALWAYS GONNA BE SAFE.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
Frank: WELL, MOM KEPT HER WORD.
SHE TURNED INTO THE WORLD'S
MOST SAFETY-CONSCIOUS PARENT,
AND I TURNED INTO A 25-YEAR-OLD
VIRGIN IN A HELMET.
[ CLICK, MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO ]
[ BEEPS ]
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
[ Exhaling ] AHHH.
MORNING, MR. BELVEDERE.
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SIGHS ]
HEY, DAD.
GOING TO WORK.
SEE YOU LATER, OKAY?
THAT'S MY BROTHER, DARRYL.
GOOD MORNING.
YOU KNOW, FOR AN AGORAPHOBIC
MUTE IN A SPACESUIT,
DARRYL.
HE'S ONE PRETTY COOL KID.
ANYWAY, AFTER WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY DAD,
I DECIDED TO BECOME AN
INSURANCE CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR.
MY PARTNER AND I HAD
572 FRAUDULENT CLAIM BUSTS
TO OUR CREDIT.
THE MOST RECENT ONE -- ALL
THE WAY OUT IN PENNSYLVANIA.
BUT MY MAIN FOCUS WAS
TO BRING DOWN THE ROSENGOLDS.
HAVE A NICE DAY, SON.
OKAY.
OH, AND, FRANKIE,
REMEMBER,
BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.
AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION
IS WORTH A POUND OF CURE.
THERE'S SAFETY IN NUMBERS.
HINDSIGHT IS...
20/20.
I GOT IT, MOM.
YOU BE CAREFUL
OUT THERE, SON.
COME ON, MOM. I'VE BEEN
DOING THAT FOR 20 YEARS.
IT'S ONE THING I KNOW
I'M GOOD AT.
[ CLICK ]
[ BEEPING ]
AND THIS IS WHERE I WORK --
THE BIGGEST COMPANY
IN THE BUSINESS,
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE,
PLEASE HOLD.
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
OH, AND OUR RECEPTIONIST,
VICKI?
[ Whispering ]
Major crush on me.
HEY, VICKI.
CONGLOMERATE --
HEY, GUESS WHAT?
I JUST GOT THE BOX SE OF "MIAMI VICE" ON DVD.
45 EPISODES, 0% COMMERCIALS,
100% AWESOME.
SO, ANYWAY, I WAS THINKING
YOU, ME,
AND SOME COOL COPS
FROM A CERTAIN MIAMI --
OKAY.
HEY, FRANK, CHECK IT OUT.
[ LAUGHING ]
I'M TOTALLY RUNNING
WITH SCISSORS! OH!
Frank: THAT'S HERB,
WHAT A PRANKSTER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
OOH. OHH.
OOH.
YAHTZEE.
AND THAT'S FREEDA,
OUR FILE CLERK.
HEY, FRANKIE, COULD YOU
HELP ME WITH THIS REQ. FORM?
I CAN'T SEEM TO GET THESE
FIGURES TO WORK.
SURE, FREEDA.
SHE CERTAINLY GIVES NEW MEANING
TO THE PHRASE "CASUAL FRIDAYS."
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
HEY, JIMMY.
HEY, FRANK.
NEW FILE?
HEY, FRANK, YOU EVER HEAR
OF SCOUT BAYOU?
HELLO.
LIKE, "ZAPPED!" IS ONLY MY
FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
NO, NOT SCOTT BAIO,
THE TALENTED ACTOR.
SCOUT BAYOU, THE BALD GUY
IN THE WHEELCHAIR.
IT SAYS HERE HE'S FILED FIVE
SEPARATE INJURY CLAIMS,
ALL DIFFERENT TYPES
OF ACCIDENTS,
NONE OF THEM DISPUTED.
ALL FIVE PAID OUT IN FULL.
HOLD ON, JIMMY.
"AFTER A CLAIM IS PAID OUT,
AN INVESTIGATOR
IS NO LONGER AUTHORIZED
TO RESEARCH A CASE."
CLAIMS INVESTIGATORS
HANDBOOK.
YEAH, BUT STOPPING
FRAUDULENT CLAIMS
IS WHY WE BECAME C.I.s
IN THE FIRST PLACE, RIGHT?
NO.
IT'S WHY I BECAME A C.I.
YOU WERE TOO FAT TO PASS
A COP PHYSICAL, REMEMBER?
FRANK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
IF I TOLD YOU
HE WAS REPRESENTED BY
ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD?
I'D SAY LET'S GO
DISPUTE A CLAIM.
[ With mouth full ]
THERE HE IS.
MR. BALD WHEEL'S
ON THE MOVE.
NOW, WHY THE HELL
WOULD A HANDICAPPED GUY
DRIVE A MONSTER TRUCK?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE HE'S A HANDICAPPED
REDNECK.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ GRUNTS ]
HUH?
[ GRUNTS ]
HUH?
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
LET'S TAIL
THAT PARA-LOSER.
[ GRUNTS ]
STRAP YOURSELF IN.
OH, YEAH.
STRAPPED IN.
AND HIT IT.
STRAPPING IN.
BLIND SPOT, CHECK.
BLIND SPOT?
BLIND SPOT'S CLEAR.
READY. WE'RE ON.
THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
PEDESTRIAN CHECK?
PEDESTRIANS ARE NOTHING.
OKAY. ANIMALS?
NO.
NO ANIMALS.
OKAY. CLEAR ON MY SIDE.
THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S CLEAR ON THIS SIDE.
OKAY. DOUBLE-CHECKING.
DOUBLE-CHECKED.
YOU SURE?
WILL YOU JUST GO?!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
Frank:
WE FOLLOWED BAYOU ALL DAY.
AND I'LL TELL YOU,
THE GUY LOOKED PRETTY
HANDICAPPED TO ME,
BUT JIMMY HAD ONE
OF HIS...FEELINGS.
SO WE TAILED HIM
TO A CONCERT DOWNTOWN.
COME THIS WAY.
OKAY.
Jimmy: DO YOU BELIEVE
THAT ROTTEN BASTARD?
PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED
SPOT WHEN HE PROBABLY
RUNS A 4.5 40.
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
IT'S WEARING-COOL-DISGUISES
TIME.
HA HA!
[ RATTLING ]
PARTNER, WHAT SAY THIS TIME
YOU COME WITH ME?
OUT IN THE FIELD?
ARE YOU NUTS?
COME ON.
PUT ON
ONE OF THESE COSTUMES.
I GUARANTEE YOU'LL
FEEL LIKE A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT PERSON.
JUST, UH, DON'T RIP OFF
ANY OF THE TAGS
OR LEAVE ANY PIT STAINS.
I'M THE IN-THE-VAN GUY,
REMEMBER, JIMMY?
OKAY, FINE.
BUT JUST COVER MY ASS,
OKAY?
'CAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING HERE
UNTIL I GET TAPE
OF THIS PHONY BALONEY
DOING JUMPING JACKS.
...JUST DOWN THERE.
JACK TRIPPER CHECKING IN.
DO YOU COPY? OVER.
ROGER THAT.
MR. FURLEY COPIES
AND IS ROLLING AND RECEIVING
FROM THE REGAL BEAGLE.
OVER THAT WAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
OVER THERE!
OUR BOGEY'S ROLLIN'
TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE.
HEY, GET OUT OF MY WAY.
CHILL, DUDE.
JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
WHERE THE HECK DID
THIS FAKE GIMP ROLL OFF TO?
YOU TAILIN' ME, ASSHOLE?
[ GULPS ]
AAHHHH!
[ THUD, STATIC ]
WHOA.
[ CLICKING ]
JACK TRIPPER,
WHO WERE YOU JUST TALKING TO?
THE PICTURE JUST WENT OUT.
HELP ME!
[ GRUNTING ]
I'M TOTALLY GETTING
MY ASS KICKED!
[ GRUNTING ]
OWW!
[ GRUNTING ]
[ GROANING ]
"A C.I. NEVER TURNS HIS BACK
ON HIS PARTNER."
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
Frank:
SO, NOT ONLY WOULD I HAVE TO GO
OUT IN THE FIELD,
BUT THANKS TO THE ROCK ENSEMBLE
JIMMY LEFT ME,
I'D HAVE TO DO SO DRESSED
AS SAMMY HAGAR.
[ GROANING ]
[ GRUNTS ]
AAHHHH!
[ GLASS BREAKING ]
JIMMY!
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.
I'M FINE.
[ THUD ]
OKAY. MAYBE I HAVE JUS A SHADE OF BRAIN DAMAGE.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
YOU STAY HERE.
I'LL GET BAYOU.
I'LL TAPE HIM MYSELF.
...HANSON!
[ CROWD SCREAMING ]
LET'S SEE.
FRANK McKLUSKY DOES I BY THE BOOK.
HEH HEH HEH.
"LESSON 56 --
HOW TO GET A FAKER
OUT OF HIS CHAIR."
Announcer: COME ON, EVERYBODY!
[ SCREAMING ]
[ "GET UP" PLAYS ]
WHOOO!
GET OUT OF MY WAY!
FRONT-ROW SEATS!
Frank: WOW.
I GUESS IF YOU'RE A HANSON FAN,
IT REALLY PAYS
NOT TO BE ABLE TO WALK.
THOSE SEATS ON THE SIDE
OF THE STAGE
ARE THE BEST SEATS
IN THE HOUSE.
YEEEAHHH!
HANSON RULES!
WHOOO!
GO!
AND IT MADE ME WONDER --
IS BAYOU REALLY HANDICAPPED
OR WAS HE FAKING HIS DISABILITY
JUST FOR THE PERKS?
THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT FOR SURE.
I HAD TO LURE BAYOU
OUT OF HIS CHAIR.
YEAH! YA!
AHHHHH!
SO WITH MY TRUSTY
RONCO POCKET FISHERMAN
AND A FREE COUPON
FROM SUPERCUTS...
HMM.
...THE BAI WAS ABOUT TO BE SET.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
OKAY, BAYOU.
...GIRL LIKE YOU
AND MAYBE JUST A --
JUST A GUY LIKE ME
MAYBE WE CAN TAKE A WALK
ON THE WILD SIDE
WELL, TAKE A LOOK AND SEE
SO GET UP AND GO
JUST A GIRL LIKE YOU
[ SCREAMING ]
AND MAYBE JUST A --
JUST A GUY LIKE ME
[ BAYOU SCREAMING ]
MAYBE WE CAN TAKE A WALK
ON THE WILD SIDE
YEAH, TAKE A LOOK AND
TAKE A LOOK AND GO
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
SO GET UP AND GO
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
UGH!
AAAHHHH!
AAAHHHH! AAAHHHH!
WHOA!
WHOA! WHOA!
AAAAH!
AAAAH! AAAAH!
[ CRASHING, GLASS BREAKING ]
[ GLASS SPINNING ]
[ SPINNING STOPS, SILENCE ]
HANSON ROCKS.
Frank:
WELL, MY FIRST VENTURE OUT OF
THE VAN WENT PRETTY WELL.
I HAVE TO ADMIT,
IT WAS KIND OF EXHILARATING
BEING OUT IN THE FIELD,
BUT ALL THAT ACTION
MADE ME HUNGRY
AND CHINESE-WESTERN FOOD
WAS GONNA HIT THE SPOT.
Jimmy: I DON'T GET WHY
YOU EVEN LIKE THIS PLACE.
THE FOOD ALWAYS GIVE YOU
DIARRHEA.
AH. CALL I A GUILTY PLEASURE.
[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]
LIM NUNG WAS BORN IN BEIJING,
BUT HE ACTED LIKE HE WAS
FROM THE PONDEROSA.
[ Chinese accent ]
SHERIFF JIMMY, DEPUTY FRANK.
WHAT TYPE OF GRUB YOU WAN LIM NUNG RUSTLE UP FOR YOU?
THE USUAL.
AND COULD WE GET IT TO GO?
JIMMY GOT BEAT UP
BY A DISABLED GUY.
HEY.
AGAIN, MR. JIMMY?
[ TELEPHONE RINGS,
COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
...THINK ABOUT YOU
SINCE YOU'RE GONE
EXCEPT WHEN
I'M WITH SOMEONE ELSE
OR WHEN I'M ALL ALONE
HEY, JIMBO,
WANT TO COME OVER AND
WATCH "NICK AT NITE"?
THURSDAYS ARE BAIO-THONS.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I GOT SOME SURVEILLANCE TAPES
I GOTTA REVIEW.
[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]
Jimmy: I'LL CALL YOU
LATER, OKAY?
Frank: WHEN JIMMY ONLY ORDERED
EIGHT APPETIZERS,
I KNEW HE WAS TAKING THINGS
HARDER THAN USUAL.
THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE
ON HIS MIND.
WE HAD BEEN PARTNERS TOO LONG
FOR ME NOT TO NOTICE.
[ VEHICLES PASSING ]
[ RUSTLING ON TELEVISION ]
WHOA.
[ LAUGHING ]
CHARLES...
YOU MEAN THEY'RE ONLY GONNA
CHARGE US $37.95?
NO. IT'S $149
OR WE'LL NEVER SEE
OUR FURNITURE ALIVE AGAIN.
[ LAUGHS, SIGHS ]
I'LL TELL YA, DAD,
I THOUGHT THE GOLDEN AGE
OF TELEVISION ENDED
WHEN THE FONZ GOT MARRIED
AND GREW A BEARD.
AND THEN GOD
GOES AND GIVES US
"CHARLES IN CHARGE."
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
I'LL GET IT.
Woman on TV:
AND LOOK INSIDE YOUR DRAWERS.
[ LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION ]
THANKS, MR. BELVEDERE.
[ GROWLS SOFTLY ]
YELL-O.
Frank...
I NEED
TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
IF ANYTHING
EVER HAPPENED TO ME,
WOULD I BE ABLE
TO COUNT ON YOU
TO FINISH ALL OF OUR CASES
HOWWOULD HAVE DONE 'EM?
JIMMY, WHAT'S WRONG?
I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW.
CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT?
YEAH, YEAH.
I PROMISE. I PROMISE.
LOOK, I CAN'T TALK
OVER THE PHONE,
BUT I THINK I GOT BAYOU.
COME OVER. I'LL SHOW YOU
WHEN YOU GET HERE.
JEEZ, JIMBO,
I DON'T USUALLY LIKE
TO GO OUT OF THE HOUSE AT --
[ Click, static ]
HUH?
HUH? HUH?
HELLO?
[ Dial tone ]
[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]
WHO WAS THAT?
MOM...
SOMETHING'S WRONG
WITH JIMMY.
I HAVE TO GO OVER THERE.
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
HONEY, T-T-THAT'S
THE WITCHING HOUR.
DON'T WORRY.
YOU KNOW I ALWAYS TAKE
THE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS.
[ WHIMPERS ]
WHAT?
I'M GOING AS FAS AS I CAN.
[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
OKAY, MR. BELVEDERE.
[ WHIMPERS ]
YOU READY TO BE
THAT GUARD DOG
YOU WERE TRAINED TO BE?
[ GRUNTING ]
YOU'RE REALLY EMBARRASSING
YOURSELF HERE, MR. B.
[ WHIMPERING ]
[ GRUNTING ]
JIMMY...
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, BUD?
[ GASPS ]
NOOOOOOO!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ MR. BELVEDERE WHIMPERS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING
ON POLICE RADIO ]
SO, WHAT WAS YOUR RELATION
TO MR. DOOLEY?
HE WAS MY PARTNER.
LIFE PARTNER?
[ CHUCKLING ]
[ CHUCKLING ]
NO, WE WORKED
FOR CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
JIMMY WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
SO YOU SAY YOU ENTERED
THE FRONT DOOR
AND FOUND MR. DOOLEY
WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW?
YES. WHY?
MR. McKLUSKY,
I'M JUST TRYING TO
GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT.
HEY. HEY, HEY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?
WRITING DOWN MY PERSONAL
PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU.
GEE WHIZ, MR. CRABBY.
SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK
HAPPENED HERE?
THIS IS YOUR CLASSIC
FAT GUY SUICIDE.
YEAH.
WE THINK YOUR FRIEND
KNOCKED DOWN THE DOOR
ON A TWINKIE JONES,
TRASHED THE PLACE
LOOKING FOR A TAKEOUT MENU,
THEN DROWNED,
ATTEMPTING TO EA HIS OWN GOLDFISH.
WHAT ABOUT THE SIGN?
YEAH, WE'RE, UH,
WE'RE LEANING TOWARD
"FAT GUY SUICIDE NOTE."
[ FARTING ]
OHH. GOOD OUT.
[ SIGHS ]
I NEED TO USE THE, UH, BATHROOM.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
REMEMBER, DON'T TOUCH
ANYTHING IN THERE.
THE SHITTER IS TECHNICALLY
STILL PART OF THE CRIME SCENE.
RIGHT.
[ INHALING SHARPLY ]
[ WINCING ]
[ FARTING,
EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ SIGHS ] OH, JIMMY, YOU
INCONSIDERATE, DEAD BASTARD.
[ WHISTLING ]
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
[ TOILET GURGLING ]
WHOOOAA!
[ GLASS BREAKING ]
UH, I-I'M OKAY.
IT'S, UH, IT'S JUS A DOUBLE-FLUSHER.
[ GRUNTING ]
[ SUCTIONING ]
[ HELMET CLANKS ]
[ GRUNTING ]
[ HELMET CLANKS ]
AAAHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHH!
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
YAHTZEE!
HEY, GUYS, I THINK
I FOUND A CLUE.
LOOK, LET'S SAY YOU
LEAVE THE DETECTIFYING
TO THE PROFESSIONALS,
OKAY,
MR. CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR?
CHECK IT OUT, BARRY.
THE FAT GUY HAD PUSH-UPS.
WELL, SHARE THE WEALTH,
MIJO!
Frank: WHAT I SAW
IN THAT APARTMENT THAT NIGH WOULD SCAR ME FOREVER.
EVEN TO THIS DAY,
EVERY TIME I SEE A FAT ZEBRA,
I JUST START CRYING.
[ WHIMPERING ]
COME ON, MR. BELVEDERE.
MY INSTINCTS TOLD ME
THOSE COPS
WEREN'T GOING TO PUT JIMMY'S
CASE ON THE HIGH PRIORITY LIST,
SO I TOOK THE EVIDENCE HOME
FOR MY OWN INVESTIGATION.
IT TURNS OUT IT WAS A COPY
OF A MOVIE ABOUT DUDES
DRESSING UP AS CHICKS.
SO, BEING THE INSECURE
HETEROSEXUAL THAT I AM,
I DEDUCED...
OH, MY GOD.
IS MY PARTNER DEAD
AND GAY?
WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME?
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
SO I WENT TO WORK
THE NEXT DAY.
BUT THE MAGIC, IT WAS GONE.
EVEN VICKI'S OVERT FLIRTING
COULDN'T PULL ME OU OF THE DOLDRUMS.
ANY MESSAGES?
YEAH, YOU HAVE ONE.
[ LAUGHING ]
HEY, FRANK, CHECK THIS OUT.
WHOOOA!
THAT'S DANGEROUS.
WHOO!
[ LAUGHING ]
WHOA!
WHOA, HERB!
OH, NOW, THAT'S DANGEROUS.
HA HA HA HA!
WHOO, HERB.
Man: DO IT.
WHAT -- COME ON, HERB.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NAIL THIS
SAFETY-CONSCIOUS ASS.
I CAN'T.
[ SIGHS ]
FRANK, WAIT.
I WAS SORRY TO HEAR
ABOUT JIMMY.
THANKS.
YEAH, IT SEEMS LIKE
ONLY YESTERDAY
HE WAS TRYING TO KISS ME
AT THE COMPANY PICNIC.
SO JIMMY WAS GAY.
WELL, THIS ISN'T FRANCE.
AROUND HERE, MAN-KISSING
IS PRETTY DARN GAY.
OH, MY BOSS
WANTS TO SEE YOU.
MR. GAFTY?
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I'M...
DOLLAR BILL, YO.
ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD.
HEY, WHY DO YOU LOOK
FAMILIAR TO ME?
YOU GUYS MADE A FRAUDULEN CLAIM AGAINST MY FAMILY
20 YEARS AGO.
MY DAD'S IN AN UNCONSCIOUS
COMA BECAUSE OF YOU.
OOHH. NOPE.
DOESN'T RING A BELL.
THAT'S RIGHT. WE NEED
'PECIFIC CASE HISTORY
AND SHIT, DOG.
MY DAD'S MADMAN McKLUSKY.
OHH! YES.
[ Laughing ] YES.
THE, UH, THE CRAZY,
EXPLODING MOTORCYCLE GUY.
WELL, GREAT TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, FRIEND.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AW, COME -- COME ON.
MAN, YOU BUGGING, MAN.
YOU BETTER BACK OFF
OR WE LITIGATE THE SHI OUT OF YOUR ASS.
GOOD MOVE.
MR. GAFTY...
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?
FRANK...
THERE ARE 280 MILLION PEOPLE
IN THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY OF THEM
HAVE NO FORM OF INSURANCE?
1,346,589, SIR...
AS OF 8:00 THIS MORNING.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, A STUDENT OF THE GAME.
REFRESHING.
I GOT INTO
THIS BUSINESS, SIR,
TO STOP FRAUDULENT CLAIMS.
AND IF BECAUSE OF THAT,
PREMIUMS FALL,
AND I CAN HELP
A FEW LESS-FORTUNATE PEOPLE
GET COVERAGE,
WELL,
THAT'S OKAY WITH ME.
AND A MAN OF PRINCIPLE,
TOO, HUH?
I RESPECT THAT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ MONKEY SCREECHING ]
DO YOU OWN
A MONKEY, SIR?
ACTUALLY,
CAPTAIN JUGGLES HERE
IS AN ABUSED
CIRCUS ORANGUTAN.
I PLAN ON RELEASING HIM
INTO THE WILD
AFTER I FINISH NURSING HIM
BACK TO HEALTH.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
FRANK, THOSE TWO MEN
WHO JUST LEFT MY OFFICE
REPRESENT SCOTT BAIO.
THE BALD GUY
IN A WHEELCHAIR.
NO, THE ADULT KID ACTOR.
HE JUST TOOK OU A POLICY WITH US.
OH.
BUT SPEAKING OF THE BALD GUY
IN THE WHEELCHAIR,
I HAVE TO ASK YOU,
IS IT TRUE WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE CONCERT LAST NIGHT?
WELL, YES, BUT, SIR, I CAN
EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT ANGRY.
I KNOW YOU WOULDN' GET INVOLVED.
YOU'RE MORE THE, UH,
STAY-IN-THE-VAN TYPE
OF INVESTIGATOR.
[ PAT, PAT ]
AM I RIGHT?
[ PAT, PAT, PAT ]
[ SCREECHING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
YOU KNOW, FRANK...
"R" AND "R" HAS ISSUED
A RESTRAINING ORDER
AGAINST YOU,
SO DO ME A FAVOR AND
STAY AWAY FROM BAYOU,
WOULD YOU?
YOU'RE TOO IMPORTAN AN EMPLOYEE TO LOSE.
AND MATTER OF FACT,
I'M GIVING YOU A PROMOTION.
PROMOTION?
BUT, SIR, I DON'T THINK
I'M READY.
I FELT REALLY BAD
ABOUT JIMMY.
HE WAS A GOOD EMPLOYEE.
[ SMOOCHES ]
EXCEPT WHEN HE USED
THE COMPANY COPIER
TO DISTRIBUTE
HIS GAY NEWSLETTER.
[ DISCO MUSIC PLAYS ]
COME ON, COME ON,
JACK IT UP
GAY NEWSLETTER?
NOT A BAD READ, ACTUALLY.
SO, THAT SETTLES IT,
ALL RIGHT?
YOUR NEW JUNIOR PARTNER
SHOULD BE HERE
RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.
OHH, JIMMY.
I MISS YOU, MAN.
COME ON, COME ON
MAN, YOU WERE GAY.
HI. FRANK?
FRANK McKLUSKY?
I'M SHARON,
YOUR NEW JUNIOR PARTNER.
HEY. HELLO.
I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW PSYCHED I AM
TO BE A C.I. HERE
AT CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
REALLY?
I THINK INVESTIGATING
INSURANCE FRAUD'S
THE LAST FRONTIER
OF LAW ENFORCEMENT.
[ GIGGLES ]
AND WORKING WITH YOU --
A PERSON WITH
SUCH COMMITMENT TO
ACCIDENT PREVENTION --
THAT YOU ARE THE BES CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR
IN THE HISTORY
OF THIS COMPANY.
HE SAID THAT ABOUT ME?
WELL, I'M NOT.
MY DEAD GAY PARTNER,
JIMMY, WAS THE BEST.
IS THIS HIM?
YEAH.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S A COMPANY FRAME,
SO PUT ANY PHOTO IN YOU WANT.
I GOT MORE.
THANKS.
LOOK, FRANK...
I COME FROM A FAMILY
OF 11 SISTERS.
10 OF THEM
ARE STAY-AT-HOME MOMS.
THE 11th -- ME --
IS THE FIRST GIRL
[ SIGHS ] TO WANT MORE...
WA-WAH, WA-WAH-WAH,
WA-WAH.
ALL I'M ASKING FOR
HUH? IS A CHANCE.
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, OKAY.
[ GIGGLES ]
JIMMY AND I WORKED ON
TOGETHER.
HE WAS ONTO SOMETHING
WITH THIS SCOUT BAYOU
CHARACTER.
SCOTT BAIO --
HE'S AN ACTOR, RIGHT?
NO, BALD GUY
IN A WHEELCHAIR.
OH. OKAY.
SO WHERE SHOULD WE START?
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, JIMMY WAS REALLY
THE POINT MAN.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU PICK UP
WHERE JIMMY LEFT OFF?
HOW JIMMY WOULD'VE DONE IT.
[ DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS ]
PROMISE ME.
HIW WOULD HAVE DONE IT.
Frank: RIGHT THEN AND THERE
IT HIT ME,
AND THERE WAS NO DENYING IT.
I KNEW EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD TO DO.
I HAD MADE MY PARTNER A PROMISE
TO FILL HIS FAT SHOES.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO.
EVENTUALLY, I REALIZED
THAT THAT ENTAILED
TAKING OFF MY HELMET.
Frank: I TALKED
TO BAYOU'S NEIGHBOR.
APPARENTLY, HE GOES TO REHAB
AROUND THIS TIME.
SO, THIS GUY REALLY
IS HANDICAPPED?
HANDICAPPED LIKE A FOX.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I MEAN, ROLLER FAKE
OVER THERE CAN PROBABLY
DO THE MOONWALK.
SO YOU HAVE PROOF.
NOT YET...
BUT I GOT A PLAN.
[ METAL SQUEAKING ]
HEY.
[ SQUEAKING CONTINUES ]
[ SQUEAKING STOPS ]
JIMMY ALWAYS SAID
YOU GOTTA GET CLOSE
TO THE CLAIMANT,
FORCE THEM
TO LET THEIR GUARD DOWN.
BUT AREN'T THOSE CASTS
GONNA MAKE IT A LITTLE
HARD FOR YOU --
THESE CASTS, SHARON,
ARE MY TICKET INSIDE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST WEAR ORDERLY SCRUBS?
I SHOULD GO.
WAIT, FRANK.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHAT EVERY GOOD
JUNIOR PARTNER SHOULD.
YEAH?
STAY IN THE VAN.
[ SQUEAKING RESUMES ]
[ GROANING ]
UHH!
UH! UH!
[ INDISTINCT TALKING,
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ SQUEAKING ]
UGH.
[ BANG ]
WHO-OAA! OHH!
[ THUD ]
HUH?
[ SIGHS ]
[ METAL SQUEAKING ]
HOLY MACKEREL!
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!
RUNWAY ACCIDENT.
YOU A PILOT?
UH. SUPERMODEL.
OH.
[ BAYOU GRUNTING ]
HEY, MISTER, CAN I --
YAHH!
HEY, DO YOU KNOW
SCOUT BAYOU?
I HEARD
HE'S A VIETNAM VET.
BEEN COMING HERE
FOR YEARS.
YO, CURLY, CAN YOU
TURN THIS OFF FOR ME?
I HAVE TROUBLE REACHING I FROM THE HARNESS.
SURE. HAVE A NICE DAY.
UH. UH. UH. UH.
[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]
HEY, ARE YOU SCOUT BAYOU?
YEAH. WHAT'S IT TO YOU,
SHIT-NECK?
UH. WELL, I-I WAS
HOPING TO ASK YOU A FEW
QUESTIONS ABOUT --
YOU JUST MOVED YOUR --
HEY, YOU JUST MOVED
YOUR LEG.
NO, I DIDN'T.
YES, YOU DID.
NO, I DIDN'T!
YES, YOU DID.
LET GO OF MY STICK.
YOU'RE A BIG, FAT FAKER.
LET GO OF MY STICK!
YOU'RE A BIG FAKER.
LET GO OF MY STICK!
YOU'RE A FAKER.
I SAW YOU!
YOU CAN TOO WALK.
DID TOO.
HEY, EVERYBODY, SCOUT BAYOU
CAN WALK.
AAAHHHHH! UH!
UH! UH!
HO!
OW! OW!
AHHHH! UH! OW!
UH! OHH!
UH! UH! UH!
OH. UH. OHH.
UH. OH.
OW. UHH.
WELL, HE SURE AS SHI AIN'T GONNA BE WALKIN' NOW.
[ BAYOU GROANING,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
OH! UH! UH! OH! OW!
UH! OH!
UH! OH! UH! UH!
AAAHHHHHH!
UH! UH!
WH-AAAHH!
[ GLASS BREAKING ]
MOM...
JUST THINK OF I AS TEMPORARY.
OH, REALLY?
SO, WHEN YOU SUFFER
A SEVERE HEAD INJURY,
AND I HAVE TO FEED
MY BRAIN-DEAD SON BABY FOOD
THROUGH A STRAW,
WILL THAT BE TEMPORARY?
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ FOOTSTEPS ]
HEY, DARRYL,
WHAT'D YOU DO...TODAY?
DUH. HE WATCHED TV
IN HIS HYPERBARIC SUIT.
LISTEN, FRANKIE,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
YEAH.
YOU SHOULD FIND A JOB
YOU CAN DO FROM THE HOUSE,
LIKE TELEMARKETING
OR UNEMPLOYMENT.
[ GROWLS SOFTLY ]
WELL, I GOT A FULL BOAT.
WHAT DO YOU GOT, DAD?
YOU LOSE. I WIN.
Frank:
THERE WAS ONE GOOD THING ABOU HAVING A BRAIN-DEAD DAD --
HE WAS NEVER A POOR SPORT.
THE BAYOU FILE WAS OBVIOUSLY
A DEAD END,
SO I WENT TO WORK THE NEXT DAY
DETERMINED TO FIND A CLUE
IN JIMMY'S FILE CABINET.
WHAT I FOUND WAS
JIMMY'S PRIVATE DOUGHNUT STASH
AND SOMETHING ELSE.
A REQUISITION FORM.
HEY, FREEDA, CAN YOU GE A FILE FOR --
MAN, IF YOU MAKE ME LATE
FOR HAPPY HOUR,
I'M REALLY GONNA BE P.O.'d.
DOES THAT REQ. FORM
HAS A GAFTY SIGNATURE?
UH...
UH, YEAH.
YEAH, IT DOES.
WELL, OKAY, THEN.
READ ME THE NUMBERS,
WOULD YA, CINNA-BUNS?
2...3...
1...
[ SMACKING CONTINUES ]
Frank: IN REVIEWING THAT FILE,
SOME QUESTIONS AROSE.
"A" -- WHO THE HECK
WAS ENGA DENKMARK?
"B" -- COULD HER FILE
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH JIMMY'S DEATH?
AND "C" --
WAS JIMMY LYING TO ME
WHEN HE SAID IT WAS COMPANY
POLICY FOR PARTNERS TO CHECK
EACH OTHER FOR LUMPS?
ANYWAY, I USED
THE CONGLOMERATE DATABASE
TO FIND OU THAT THIS ENGA DENKMARK
WAS COMPETING IN TOWN
AT THE ANNUAL GYMNASTICS
CHAMPIONSHIPS.
I KNEW I HAD TO GO
AND ASK HER A FEW QUESTIONS
ABOUT HER POLICY.
I SNUCK IN,
SLIPPED INTO THE MEN'S ROOM,
AND PUT ON MY BES JANITOR DISGUISE.
LUCKILY, I HAD THE TIGH BELL-BOTTOM JEANS,
LEATHER VEST,
AND A PENCIL-THIN MUSTACHE
TO MAKE THE DISGUISE COMPLETE.
[ SIGHS ]
UH, UH, THIS
IS THE LADIES' ROOM.
OH.
OH.
HEY, FREEBIES FROM
THE SPONSORS. HEH HEH.
OKAY,
JUST ONE APIECE, ONE APIECE.
LET'S NOT GET GRABBY.
USE THE TAPE.
LADIES, I GOT EVERYTHING
FROM LIGHT FLOW TO TSUNAMI.
[ Romanian accent ]
LEAVE AT ONCE!
THIS IS THE GREA ENGA DENKMARK.
OH.
SHE'S ABOUT TO COMPETE,
AND YOU ARE INTERRUPTING
HER CONCENTRATION.
RELAX, FELLA.
I JUST NEED TO ASK HER
A FEW QUESTIONS.
[ Romanian accent ]
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO
AND SHOW TO THE WORLD
ALL MY GREATNESS.
ACTUALLY, ENGA,
THIS CAN'T WAIT.
IT'S KIND OF IMPOR--
UH.
YOU KNOW?
SOMETHING TELL ME
YOU ARE NOT REALLY JANITOR.
THAT IS THE WORST SCHNEIDER
IMPERSONATION I'VE EVER SEEN.
HOLD ON, SIDEBURNS.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO FIGHT YOU, BRO.
[ BONES CRACKING ]
OH.
[ CHOKING ]
OKAY. DON'T YOU NEED
TO BE OUT THERE?
NO, I AM ALTERNATE.
Frank:
I TRIED TO REASON WITH HER,
EVEN BRIBE HER WITH AN EPILADY.
BUT IF I WAS GONNA
GET OUT OF THIS ONE,
I'D HAVE TO USE MY HEAD.
[ CLANKING ]
I GUESS I HAD PICKED
A PRETTY BAD TIME
TO STOP WEARING MY HELMET.
YOU SAY THAT, SIR,
BUT SOMEONE --
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH.
WHEW.
HI, EVERYBODY,
AND WELCOME TO
THE WOMEN'S PORTION
OF THE 2002 ANNUAL GYMNASTICS
CHAMPIONSHIPS.
I'M PAT O'BRIEN
ALONG WITH OLYMPIC
GOLD MEDALIS DOMINIQUE MOCEANU.
AND, DOMINIQUE,
OUTSIDE OF THE OLYMPICS,
THIS HAS TO BE THE GRANDES STAGE FOR THIS TYPE OF EVENT.
Dominique: ENGA DENKMARK,
THE ROMANIAN SWEETHEART,
WHO WON THE HEARTS
OF THE WORLD LAST OLYMPICS,
WELL, SHE AND HER TEAM
ARE HERE
THREATENING
TO SWEEP THE TEAM
AND INDIVIDUAL EVENTS.
YOU KNOW, WHAT IS
THE REAL STORY ON
THIS COACH CHERNOV?
I'M NO DOCTOR,
BUT IT SEEMS TO ME
SOME OF THESE GALS HAVE
A LITTLE TOO MUCH GUY
IN THE GYNO,
IF YOU, UH,
KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
[ CROWD CHEERING LIGHTLY ]
[ SPRINGS BANGING ]
WHEW!
THIS SPRINGY THING
CAN'T BE TOO SAFE.
[ WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
IN DISTANCE ]
Woman: WOO-HOO!
YEAH!
PSST.
[ JACKET RUSTLING ]
[ Romanian accent ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I TOLD YOU
TO STOP INJECTIONS
THREE WEEKS
PRIOR TO COMPETITION.
HMM?
OH.
[ GASPS ] [ GASPS ]
AND HERE COMES THE ROMANIAN
MILA SOPKOV.
SOPKOV'S SPECIALTY
IS THE VAULT.
IT'S CERTAINLY NOT MAKEUP.
LOOK, ENGA,
I GOT THIS FILE.
UM, IT'S A...
[ SOPKOV RUNNING ]
[ THUD ]
UGH!
OOH.
OOH. THAT'S NOT GOOD.
WOO-HOO. OUCH.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH
BLEEDING INTERNALLY,
WE SHOULD TALK.
WORD, YO.
'CAUSE ME AND MY DOG HERE,
WE COULD SUE THE SHILZ-NI OUT OF THIS JOINT.
EXCUSE ME.
HEY.
WHAT?!
BROTHERS CAN'T CONFISCATE
SOME EVIDENCE AND SHIT?
YEAH.
GET OFF ME, MAN.
THEY'LL HAVE TO GO
TO AN ALTERNATE.
UH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT IRZA TOPNIZKI?
NOTHING MUCH,
OTHER THAN SHE'S
PROBABLY THE OLDES COMPETITOR HERE TODAY.
WELL,
CERTAINLY THE UGLIEST.
NEVERTHELESS,
IT'S UP TO HER
[ EXHALES DEEPLY,
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]
TO KEEP ROMANIA ON TOP
WITH HER FLOOR EXERCISE.
YEAH, YEAH
SHAKE IT UP
[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]
FUNKY RHYTHM
OH, YEAH
UH, UH, UH
THE FUNKY RHYTHM
SAY YEAH
I GOT TO GIVE A,
UH, UH, UH
FUNKY RHYTHM
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH
THE FUNKY RHYTHM
YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
PULL OUT THE BASS
FUNKY RHYTHM
UH, UH, UH,
FUNKY RHYTHM
[ GRUNTING ]
I GOT TO GIVE A,
UH, UH, UH
FUNKY RHYTHM
UH, UH, UH
[ CROWD BOOING ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
HEY, YEAH
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ GRUNTING ]
SHAKE IT UP
YES. UG--
[ CROWD BOOING ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
YEEEEAAAH
[ Echoing ]
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
Pat:
MAYBE THAT TOPNIZKI...
WHO ARE YOU?
LOOK, MY REAL NAME'S
FRANK McKLUSKY.
I'M AN INSURANCE
CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR
FROM
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
HUH?
MY PARTNER WAS MURDERED,
AND THE ONLY LEAD I GO IS YOUR FILE.
YOU IDIOT!
I WILL NOT HAVE US LOSE.
IF YOU TELL ME
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
ABOUT YOUR FILE WITH
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE...
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
I'LL GET YOU YOUR SCORE.
FINE. GET THE SCORE.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
Pat: WELL, IT'S ALL UP
TO TOPNIZKI NOW.
WITH THE CONTEST TIED,
EVEN THE LOWEST OF SCORES
WILL PUT HER TEAM ON TOP.
Dominique:
EVEN A 0.1 WILL DO IT,
BUT THUS FAR, TOPNIZKI
IS NOT GOING TO THE OLYMPICS.
TOPNIZKI IS NOT GOING
TO THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.
[ PANTING ]
HA.
[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]
[ GRUNTING ]
GOOD SO FAR.
ALL SHE NEEDS NOW
IS NOT TO LAND ON HER HEAD
DURING THE DISMOUNT,
AND THEY WIN.
[ THUD ]
OOH!
[ CROWD GROANING ]
OUCH!
UHHHHHH.
OKAY, NOW.
HERE ARE THE JUDGES' SCORES.
0.0...
AND THE FIFTH JUDGE...
0.1.
A VICTORY NOW
FOR THE ROMANIANS.
[ Whispering ] Yes!
I HAVE PIP WITH THEM.
PIP? WHAT'S PIP?
IF I BREAK MY ARM,
I CANNOT GET MY ENDORSEMENT.
AND YOUR COMPANY
PAYS ME $5 MILLION.
PIP.
Frank: SO WITH MY NEW LEAD,
I WENT TO THE FILE DEPARTMEN TO FIND OU WHAT A PIP POLICY WAS.
GOOD THING
FREEDA WASN'T AROUND,
'CAUSE IF SHE CAUGHT ME DIGGING
THROUGH HER FILES,
I'D BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
YAHTZEE.
THIS IS RESTRICTED AREA,
FRANKIE.
YOU KNOW YOU COULD
GET IN A WHOLE LO OF TROUBLE FOR THIS.
UH, LOOK, FREEDA,
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF SOMETHING CALLED
A PIP POLICY?
YOU MEAN P.I.P. --
PROFESSIONAL INJURY POLICY.
A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE
HAVE THEM
TO ENSURE AGAINST CATASTROPHIC,
CAREER-ENDING INJURIES.
THE ONE I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK
WAS A P.I.P.
HEY, UM, DO YOU THINK
I CAN SEE THE REST OF THOSE?
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, FRANK, YOU'D NEED
A REQUISITION FORM,
AND ALL REQUISITION FORMS
NEED TO BE SIGNED BY GAFTY.
[ THUD ]
AND MR. GAFTY
IS A VERY BUSY MAN.
IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY
I COULD, UH...
SURE.
[ NO AUDIO ]
Frank: A MAN'S GOTTA DO
WHAT A MAN'S GOTTA DO.
I GOT THE FILES...
AND A NEW HAIRDO.
BUT I WAS CONCERNED
THAT THIS CASE
WAS GETTING
A LITTLE TOO DANGEROUS
FOR MY NEW JUNIOR PARTNER.
HEY, LOOK, SHARON,
I'M NOT A RISKTAKER, OKAY?
I'M DOING WHAT I'M DOING
FOR JIMMY.
I DON'T WANT TO PU MY JUNIOR PARTNER AT RISK.
WHAT IF I KNEW SOMETHING --
SOMETHING ABOUT THE CASE
AND JIMMY THAT YOU DIDN'T?
WOULD YOU LET ME BE
A PART OF ALL THIS?
WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW
THAT I DON'T KNOW?
COME ON, COME ON
JIMINY CHRISTMAS!
THIS GUY'S GAYNESS
IS OFF THE CHARTS.
HEY, IS THAT HERB?
I FOUND IT IN JIMMY'S
OLD COMPANY FRAME.
I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE
LISTENING TO WHA I COULDN'T DO.
LET ME PROVE TO YOU
WHAT I CAN DO.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
Vicki: CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
PLEASE HOLD.
FRANK, SHARON.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
[ Whispering ]
Okay, you're in,
but I call the shots.
LET'S FOLLOW HERB.
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
PLEASE HOLD.
Frank: THE PICTURE OF JIMMY
AND HERB FRENCHING IN A HOT TUB
LED ME TO WONDER IF HERB
WAS HIDING ANYTHING ELSE.
HEY, HERB.
COME ON, COME ON
McKLUSKY.
I JUST, UH, STOPPED OFF HERE
FOR SOME, UM, SOME CIGARETTES.
YOU DON'T SMOKE.
[ Laughing ]
I'M NOT GAY, DUDE.
Man: HEY,
AND A BEER CHASER.
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ CHEERING ]
YEAH!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
ME AND JIMMY-JAM HAD BEEN
DATING FOR ABOUT A YEAR.
JIMMY-JAM?
ABOUT A MONTH BACK,
HE STARTS ACTING
REALLY NERVOUS.
I THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE
ONTO SOMETHING REALLY BIG.
WHAT? WHAT WAS IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE HAD ME
FORGE GAFTY'S SIGNATURE
ON A REQUISITION FORM.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GE THE FILE ON FRIDAY,
[ Crying ] BUT I GUESS
HE NEVER MADE IT.
OH. MM-HMM.
HOLD ON.
[ PAPER RUSTLING ]
THIS REQUISITION FORM?
THAT'S IT.
RASPBERRY
WAS JIMMY-JAM'S FAVORITE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
[ DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES ]
THE JELLY.
YEAH, IT'S DELICIOUS.
I DIDN'T READ FREEDA
ALL THE NUMBERS.
I GOT THE WRONG FILE.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
WHAT'S CRACKIN',
BEE-ATCHES?
[ GULPS, COUGHS ]
YOU KNOW, HERB,
A FELLOW LIKE YOU
OUGHT TO BE
A LITTLE MORE CAREFUL
OF THE PEOPLE
THAT HE HANGS OUT WITH.
I'D HATE TO SEE THIS TYPE
OF RIFFRAFF
PUT YOU
IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION.
CASE IN POINT,
McKLUSKY HERE HAS HARASSED
AND HURT ONE OF OUR CLIENTS
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.
THREW HIS ASS DOWN
A FLIGHT OF GODDAMN STEPS
IS WHAT HE DONE.
THAT'S RIGHT --
GODDAMN STEPS.
AND WHO KNOWS, HERB?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE NEXT ONE
THAT GETS HURT.
HMM?
HEY, D-- McKLUSKY...
YOUR SHI BETTER START COMPLYING
WITH THAT "RESKRAINING" ORDER
AGAINST YOU.
OR THEY GONNA BE
"RESKRAINING" ME
FROM COMPLYING MY FOO IN YOUR ASS.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
WELL PUT, PARTNER.
LET'S GO.
[ DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES ]
GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT, HERB.
NIGHT, HERB.
[ KEYS JINGLING ]
[ RUSTLING ]
IS ANYBODY THERE?
IS IT A MAN...
MAYBE THAT CUTE BUSBOY
WITH THE OVERBITE
AND THE BOWL CUT?
[ KEYS JINGLING ]
[ FOOTSTEPS ]
OH, MY GOD, IT'S YOU!
Frank: I SPENT ALL MORNING
LOOKING THROUGH THE REQ. FILES
WHILE FREEDA LOOKED LIKE
SHE SWALLOWED J-LO.
DID YOU CHECK THE PAID-OUTS,
SEXY SHORTS?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
PAID-OUTS?
WELL, IF IT WAS A CLAIM
THAT WAS ALREADY ISSUED,
HE WOULDN'T PUT THA IN THE NORMAL P.I.P. FILE,
HE'D PUT THA IN THE PAID-OUTS CABINET.
AND LOOKY
WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
THANKS, FREEDA.
OH, YOU BIG --
UNH-UNH, SAILOR.
[ SIGHS ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ GROANS ]
Frank: WITH THE NEW FILE,
I VISITED BERKSHIRE DOWNS,
HOME OF THE MOST HALLOWED
STATUE IN ALL OF SPORTS.
THERE I FIND A JOCKEY
NAMED PEEDRO JIMENEZ.
JIMMY FIT INTO THAT?
ACTUALLY,
JIMMY DIDN'T HAVE IT,
SO I ORDERED THIS ONE
OFF THE INTERNET --
BIGGEST SIZE THEY HAD.
WOW, IT'S YOUR FIRS DISGUISE.
ARE YOU GONNA STAR YOUR OWN COLLECTION?
MAYBE. [ LAUGHS ]
LOOK,
JUST DO ME A FAVOR.
STAY IN THE VAN
AND COVER MY ASS.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
HEY, DUDES.
HEY.
HEY, BUDDY!
THIS IS
A RESTRICTED AREA!
I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE YOU GET OFF
RUNNING AROUND
JOCKEY LOCKER ROOMS
WITH YOUR BUTT CRACK
HALF EXPOSED,
BUT NOT ON MY WATCH,
BUSTER BROWN.
OKAY, SHAQ, YOU'RE IN
LOCKER NUMBER FIVE.
PEPE.
HEY.
HEY, MY MAN,
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
THIS GUY, WOULD YOU?
[ Spanish accent ] YES,
HIS NAME PEEDRO JIMENEZ,
THE GREATEST JOCKEY EVER
TO COME OUT OF GUATEMALA,
UNTIL HE BREAK HIS LEG.
BREAK HIS LEG?
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IF HE FAKED
THE INJURY TO COLLEC THE INSURANCE MONEY,
JIMMY FOUND OUT,
AND PEEDRO HAD HIM KILLED?
THAT GOOD THEORY.
THANK YOU.
ONLY, PEEDRO -- HE DEAD.
WHOA, SHORT STACK,
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LOOK, PANCHO NO WANT TO
TALK ABOUT THIS.
RIDERS FOR TIME TRIALS.
GET YOUR SHRIMPY LITTLE
BODIES ON DECK.
HEY, PANCHO, WAIT.
AND THIS IS WHERE
YOUR FREAKY LITTLE
CHARADE ENDS.
[ Sarcastically ]
THREE DOLLARS!
[ LAUGHS ]
GO AHEAD.
[ SIGHS ]
HEY, WILT CHAMBERLAIN,
YOU'RE GONNA BE RIDING
HORSE NUMBER SIX TODAY,
HORNY HAL.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ HORSE NEIGHS ]
PANCHO, PANCHO!
HEY, HOLD ON.
MY REAL NAME'S
FRANK McKLUSKY.
I'M AN INSURANCE CLAIMS
INVESTIGATOR.
SEOYOU NO SHOULD BE
ON THAT HORSE.
HE NO RACE NO MORE.
HAL ONLY AROUND
TO HAVE THE SEX ALL DAY.
ES UN STUD, COMPRENDE?
NO, I-I DON'T SPEAK
ITALIAN, SORRY.
LOOK, PEEDRO'S FILE SAID
HE REPORTED A CLAIM,
SAID HE BROKE HIS LEG,
GOT PAID OUT.
YES, PERO HE NO GET A CHANCE
TO GET THE DINERO.
HE DIE TWO DAY LATER.
ONLY HIS WIFE
GET HIS LIFE INSURANCE.
SO, ANYWAYS, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT --
[ BELL RINGS ]
AAAH! WHOA! WHOA!
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
HEY, PANCHO, HOW DO YOU STEER
THIS THING?
NO! NO! NO!
NO, NOT THIS WAY!
AAAH! OKAY, SLOW IT DOWN,
SLOW IT DOWN!
WHOA!
[ HAL NEIGHING ]
WELL, THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
PHEW! COME ON, HAL.
[ NEIGHING CONTINUES ]
HI.
COME ON, HAL.
[ HAL NEIGHS ]
SO, WHY'D YOU BRING ME
HERE, ANYWAY?
WELL, FOR EIGH STRAIGHT YEARS,
THIS IS WHERE
JIMMY AND I USED TO GO
AFTER ALL OUR CASES.
IT'S LIKE JUST YESTERDAY
HE WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE.
[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]
GEE, I MISS
THAT FAT BASTARD.
[ Chinese accent ]
MR. FRANK...
YOU LIKE MY LO MEIN?
LO MEIN WAS
COWBOY JIMMY'S FAVORITE.
IT WAS, WASN'T IT?
"HAIRY GATO," SLIM.
SOME PEOPLE SEARCH
THE WHOLE...
FRANK, HAVE YOU GONE BACK
TO JIMMY'S PLACE,
YOU KNOW, TO SEE IF HE LEF ANYTHING BEHIND?
SHARON, I'M YOUR SENIOR.
DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD'VE
THOUGHT OF THAT?
I TOLD YOU, HIS PLACE
WAS CLEANED OUT,
MINUS THIS ONE SISSY FLICK.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE. IT'S REALLY NO A BIG DEAL.
Frank: I TOOK SHARON
TO WATCH THE TAPE.
MOM WASN'T USED TO ME
WORKING AT HOME.
FRANK!
YOU BROUGHT COMPANY!
AND IT'S A GIRL!
[ Sarcastically ]
GREAT.
HI, I'M SHARON.
[ GIGGLES ]
OH, YOU'RE
THE LITTLE HUSSY
THAT'S GOT HIM
GALLIVANTING ALL OVER TOWN
WITHOUT A HELMET.
MOM, I TOLD YOU, UH --
OH, NO, IT'S OKAY.
FALL DOWN AND DIE.
SEE IF I CARE.
YOU KNOW, MOM, SHARON AND I
HAVE TO GO UP TO MY ROOM
AND WORK ON A CASE.
A CASE OF HERPES
FROM THE LOOKS OF HER.
FRANKIE, REMEMBER
TO WEAR PROTECTION.
MOM, YOU'RE
EMBARRASSING ME.
OH. [ LAUGHS ]
HEY, I KNOW HIM!
HE WAS LIKE EVEL KNIEVEL,
ONLY HE SUCKED.
HE'S MY DAD.
IS HE SLEEPING?
YEAH...
FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
[ FARTS ]
THAT'S A REACTION
TO THE MEDICATION.
MNH.
[ Grunting ] TOTALLY NORMAL.
LET'S GO WATCH THE TAPE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
WELL, THIS IS MY ROOM.
YOU KNOW, FRANK...
I BET JIMMY
WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD OF YOU,
PUTTING YOUR FEARS ASIDE
TO -- TO FIND OU WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.
IT'S, LIKE,
HERO STUFF, FRANK.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU THINK?
YEAH, I DO.
[ SIGHS ]
IS THIS REALLY LOVE?
IS THIS REALLY LOVE?
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ Music grinds to a halt ]
IS --
THE TAPE!
THE TAPE
HAS TAPE ON IT!
HUH?
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO
WHEN YOU WANT TO TAPE
OVER SOMETHING!
WHAT IF JIMMY TAPED OVER
"PRISCILLA, QUEEN
OF THE DESERT"?
DID YOU WATCH
THE WHOLE THING?
I-I'VE -- NO.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO.
[ VIDEOTAPE SQUEALING ]
BAYOU?
YAHTZEE! THIS MUST BE
THE INFORMATION
JIMMY WAS TALKING ABOUT.
IS THAT --
IT'S BAYOU...
...AND HE'S WALKING!
[ CRASH ]
WHY'D HE DO THAT?
LET'S GO FIND OUT.
HEY, KIDS,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
OH, MY GOD!
SHE'S NOT PREGNANT, IS SHE?
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
Frank: I FINALLY HAD BAYOU,
BUT IN ORDER TO MAKE THE BUST,
I KNEW I NEEDED
THE MOST DISCREET COSTUME YET.
I-I'M REALLY HAPPY
TO GET TO WEAR
A DISGUISE THIS TIME,
BUT WHY IS MINE SO SMALL?
EXACTLY.
[ CHAINS JINGLING ]
[ DOOR OPENS ]
YES?
DO I KNOW YOU?
WE'RE C.I.s FROM
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE,
AND WE WERE WONDERING
IF YOU COULD ANSWER
A FEW QUESTIONS.
TALK TO MY LAWYERS!
OKAY.
WAIT A MINUTE!
HUH?
YOU'RE THE PSYCHO
FROM THE CONCER AND FROM THE REHAB CENTER!
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
ASSHOLE,
I LOST THE USE OF MY LEGS
FIGHTING FOR DEMOCRACY
IN VIETNAM!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE CONFINED
TO A WHEELCHAIR AT AGE 19?!
DO YOU?!
A SNIPER'S BULLET SNATCHED AWAY
MY FUTURE THAT DAY,
AND I REFUSE TO LET YOU
DO THE SAME!
I HAVE
SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE
OF YOU PUSHING A CAR
OFF A CLIFF.
LATER.
HUH! HUH! YA!
LET'S GET HIM!
YA!
OOH! OOH!
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE!
YOU OKAY?
IT WAS LIKE A GIGANTIC
BALD TORNADO.
YOU STAY ON HIM, FRANK.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS GUY.
YEAH.
UGH!
HEY!
YEAH! WHAT'S UP?! WHA!
[ METAL DINGS ]
OOH! UGH!
OOH!
WHOO!
Frank: HOLD THE ELEVATOR!
[ CHAINS JINGLING ]
[ PANTING ]
[ INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY ]
IT'S OVER, BAYOU.
OOOOOOOH!
OOH! OOH!
[ WARBLING TONGUE ]
[ WHACK! WHACK! ]
OHH! WHA!
AWWW!
HEY, KNOCKING OFF MY MOHAWK'S
JUST NOT COOL.
[ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ]
WHOO!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ PANTING ]
[ HEART THUMPING ]
THIS IS DEFINITELY
NOT SAFE.
COME ON, FRANK,
YOU CAN DO IT!
OH, RIGHT...
I REMEMBER
WHO YOU ARE, MAN.
YOUR DAD DIDN'T DO
HIS JUMP,
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO
THIS ONE!
COME ON!
COME ON, GET ME!
POW! COME ON!
JUMP!
THAT'S RIGHT!
YOU CAN DO IT, FRANK!
[ Chanting ]
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP,
YOU SISSY-ASS BITCH!
HMM?
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
[ HEART THUMPING ]
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
Madman: ARE YOU READY
FOR THE MADMAN TO...
LAUGH AT SAFETY?
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
JUMP! JUMP!
HA HA HA HA HA!
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
[ SIGHS ]
OHH!
YOU'RE PATHETIC, McKLUSKY.
YOU ALWAYS WILL BE.
HEE HEE HEE HEE!
WHOO!
[ GROANS ]
FRANK, WHAT HAPPENED
UP THERE?
I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT.
WORD ON THE STREET IS
YOU'RE A SISSY-ASS BITCH.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT REALLY
HELPING THINGS!
WHAT?! WHAT'D I SAY?!
[ CHAINS JINGLING ]
FRANK, WHAT YOU DID
UP THERE -- IT WAS GREAT.
SHARON, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU WERE PAYING
ATTENTION OR NOT,
BUT I GOT BEAT UP,
AND THE BAD GUY GOT AWAY.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY
THE KIND OF PERFORMANCE
YOU GET A PLAQUE FOR.
BUT YOU TRIED.
THAT'S SOMETHING
TO BE PROUD OF, RIGHT?
YEAH, WELL,
FOR SOME REASON,
RIGHT NOW
I DON'T FEEL SO PROUD.
[ SIGHS ]
[ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ]
Frank: I DRAGGED
MY BATTERED BODY INTO THE VAN
AND HEADED BACK TO THE OFFICE.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
Vicki: CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
PLEASE HOLD.
CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE.
PLEASE HOLD.
HEY, WHERE'S HERB?
YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW?
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT?
OH, AND YOU HAVE
A PHONE MESSAGE, TOO...
...A REAL ONE.
[ SIGHS ]
MR. GAFTY
WANTS TO SEE ME.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
OH, FRANK,
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
PLEASE, PLEASE,
COME IN, COME IN.
HAVE A SEAT.
THIS IS BOBBY.
I'M HIS BIG BROTHER.
YOU KNOW, IT'S "BRING
A LITTLE BUDDY TO WORK" DAY.
HELLO.
WHAT'S UP, DUDE?
[ LAUGHS ]
UH, SIR...
IS IT -- IS IT TRUE?
IS HERB DEAD?
YES, YES, SADLY, IT'S TRUE,
DEAD AS A DOORKNOB.
[ SIGHS ]
LOOK, MR. GAFTY,
I'VE GOT INFORMATION
ABOUT SCOUT BAYOU.
AS IT TURNS OUT --
AS A MATTER OF FACT, THAT'S
KIND OF WHY YOU'RE UP HERE.
HUH?
THIS, UH, BAYOU CHARACTER,
WELL, HIS LAWYERS CALLED.
APPARENTLY YOU'RE
STILL HARASSING HIM,
EVEN THOUGH WE TOOK YOU
OFF THE FILE,
EVEN THOUGH YOU GO THE RESTRAINING ORDER
AGAINST YOU.
YEAH, BUT --
LOOK,
THIS IS NEVER EASY,
BUT I'M AFRAID
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK
FOR YOUR C.I. BADGE.
MY BADGE?
YEAH, YOUR BADGE.
YOU DEAF?
[ LAUGHS ]
HEH. HEH.
THIS JOB'S
ALL I EVER CARED ABOUT.
IT'S THE ONLY THING
I EVER BELIEVED IN.
I'M -- I'M SORRY, FRANK.
[ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ]
OH, UH, FRANK...
I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE
FRIENDS AND STUFF.
HA.
FRANK!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
HI, THIS IS JERRY
IN CLAIMS.
Frank: "DEAR SHARON,
"SOMETHING TERRIBLE
HAS HAPPENED.
"PERHAPS VICKI'S ILLUSTRATION
CAN BEST EXPLAIN IT.
"SINCERELY, FRANK McKLUSKY,
NOT A C.I."
WHOA!
DO I KNOW YOU?
Frank: AND YOU THOUGH WHEN ROSE McGOWAN WORE I IT WAS OFFENSIVE.
I'M FRANK'S
JUNIOR PARTNER.
UH, I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR.
I NEED A PRINTOU OF ALL THE P.I.P. POLICIES
THAT ARE DOUBLE COVERED.
AND WHY WOULD I DO THA FOR YOU?
LOOK, FREEDA,
FRANK MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE.
DIDN'T I TELL YOU
THIS WOULD HAPPEN?
THE WORLD IS A VERY DANGEROUS,
VERY HORRIBLE PLACE.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THOUGH I COULD CHANGE THINGS,
STOP FRAUDULENT CLAIMS,
PROTECT THE INNOCENT.
HA!
OH.
BUT I FAILED.
MOST IMPORTANT,
I FAILED JIMMY.
YES, YOU DID,
BUT THAT'S WHY I'M HERE,
TO TAKE CARE OF YOU
LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE.
OH, HONEY...
[ THUD ]
[ SIGHS ]
DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S TIME YOU CAME HOME?
AW, DAD...
SOMETIMES I WISH
YOU COULD HEAR ME,
GIVE ME SOME ADVICE,
TELL ME WHAT TO DO,
HOW TO BE.
[ FARTS ]
BUT THEN THERE'S
YOUR ANSWER, HUH?
DON'T END UP LIKE YOU.
[ GRUNTING ]
OH.
WHOA! OH! UGH! UGH!
[ METAL CLANKING ]
[ BONES CRACKING ]
[ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
I'VE GOT SOME INFORMATION
ABOUT THE CASE.
DIDN'T YOU GET MY NOTE?
I'M OUT, SHARON.
JUST GIVE ME
FIVE MINUTES.
[ SIGHS ]
I HAD THE TAPE ENHANCED.
NOW, TELL ME
WHAT YOU SEE.
IS THAT -- WHOA!
AW!
UGH!
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
A TINY SATIN CAP?
THAT, FRANK,
IS A JOCKEY'S HAT.
OH.
"FAMED JOCKEY
PEEDRO JIMENEZ'S CAR
CAREENED OFF A CLIFF
LATE LAST NIGHT."
THAT JOCKEY DIDN'T DIE
BY ACCIDENT, FRANK.
HE WAS MURDERED.
READ IT.
HERE'S A LIS OF ALL THE P.I.P. POLICIES.
OH, COOL, SCOTT BAIO
HAS A P.I.P. POLICY!
BUT WHY ARE THERE
TWO ROWS OF NUMBERS?
BECAUSE SOME P.I.P. POLICIES
ARE DOUBLE COVERED --
THAT WAS THE CLASSIFIED
INFORMATION --
INCLUDING PEEDRO JIMENEZ.
HIS P.I.P.'s FOR $5 MILLION
AND HIS LIFE INSURANCE
IS FOR ONLY 75 GRAND?
IF YOU WERE
AN INSURANCE COMPANY,
WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER PAY OUT,
FIVE FIGURES OR SEVEN?
CONGLOMERATE --
THEY KILLED JIMMY
WHEN HE WAS ONTO THEM.
WE NEED TO WARN EVERYBODY
ON THAT LIST,
AND WE CAN STAR WITH SCOTT BAIO.
HE'S DOING
"CELEBRITY BIG TOP"
AT SAUGUS SPEEDWAY.
S-S-SAUGUS SPEEDWAY?
UH-HUH.
BEAT IT, HUSSY.
MY SON IS DONE RISKING
HIS LIFE FOR A PAYCHECK.
MRS. McKLUSKY,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
FRANK AND I WERE --
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT ANYTHING?
UNTIL YOU WITNESS
YOUR HUSBAND EXPLODE
IN FRONT OF 5,000 PEOPLE,
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DO KNOW,
MRS. McKLUSKY.
I KNOW FRANK WAS BORN TO BE
A CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR.
FRANK,
IF YOU DON'T TAKE A STAND
RIGHT HERE AND NOW,
THEN WE ALL LOSE,
AND PEOPLE LIKE THEM,
THEY WIN.
I WILL FIGH TO GET YOU YOUR MONEY,
AND WHEN I'M DONE
GETTING YOU YOUR MONEY,
I WILL GO GET YOU
SOME MORE MONEY.
THAT'S RIGHT, BIZOY,
'CAUSE WE GO THE MAD BENJAMINS
IN THE HIZ-OUSE.
ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW.
IT'S UP TO YOU.
[ SIGHS ]
I'M SORRY, SHARON,
I CAN'T GO
TO SAUGUS SPEEDWAY.
IT'S WHERE MY DAD BLEW UP.
I JUST CAN'T.
NO, I'M SORRY, FRANK.
I GUESS I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SOMEBODY ELSE.
WHAAA! AAAH!
UH, SHARON,
ARE YOU OKAY?
IT SOUNDED LIKE
YOU FELL DOWN SOME STEPS.
I DID, BUT THAT'S LIFE,
FRANK.
SOMETIMES
PEOPLE FALL DOWN.
BUT DON'T YOU GET IT?!
IT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU QUIT WALKING!
WHAAA! AAAH!
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
UGH!
YEAH, I COULDN'T HEAR
A WORD YOU SAID.
I'M WEARING THE HELMET,
REMEMBER?
[ WHIMPERS ]
HMM!
WELCOME TO "CELEBRITY BIG TOP."
I'M YOUR HOST, GARY OWENS.
TODAY YOU'LL SEE SUCH OLD
FAVORITES AS LOU FERRIGNO,
EMMANUEL LEWIS,
WILLIE TYLER AND LESTER,
EVEN A BROKEN NOSE COULDN' KEEP ME FROM THIS EVENT.
A BROKEN NOSE?
[ GASPS ]
OH, NO!
SCOUT BAYOU'S GONNA BE THERE
TODAY TO KILL SCOTT BAIO.
I GOT TO WARN SHARON.
FRANKIE!
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
MOM, I GOT TO HELP
SHARON.
SHE'S MY PARTNER,
AND SHE NEEDS ME.
I CAN'T QUIT ON HER NOW.
A GOOD C.I. --
NEWS FLASH --
USUALLY WHEN A PERSON
GETS FIRED,
THEY DON'T DO THAT JOB
ANYMORE.
THAT'S JUST IT, MOM.
MY JOB MIGHT BE OVER,
BUT MY LIFE'S
JUST BEGINNING.
I'M JUST REALIZING
THAT NOW.
DON'T YOU SEE?
EVER SINCE JIMMY DIED,
I FINALLY BEGAN LIVING.
I REMEMBER DAD ALWAYS HAD
A SMILE ON HIS FACE.
NOW I KNOW WHY.
[ THUD ]
'CAUSE HE WAS ALIVE.
I ALIVE.
YEAH, HOLD ON, DAD,
I-I'M GETTING TO SOMETHING HERE.
OHH! LARRY!
DAD!
OH!
OH, HONEY! OH!
UGH! [ LAUGHS ]
OH!
[ LAUGHS ] OH, THANKS.
I'D HUG YOU GUYS BACK,
BUT I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS.
MY MUSCLES KIND OF ATROPHIED
ON ACCOUNT OF
THE UNCONSCIOUS-COMA
SORT OF DEAL, SO...
EDITH, YOU'RE A GOOD WOMAN --
YOU ALWAYS WERE --
BUT, DAMN IT, YOU GOTTA
LET GO OF THE BOY.
YOU RAISED A TOUGH KID.
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
[ CRACKING ]
A-A-A-AND I'M SPENT.
I GOTTA GO.
FRANKIE, WAIT!
LOOK, MOM,
I TOLD YOU, I --
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE
A DAREDEVIL HERO...
...I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA NEED SOMETHING.
[ HINGES CREAK ]
SAY, "YEAH!"
OW!
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ REVVING ]
[ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK!
WHAT?
[ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
[ AIR HISSES ]
[ GASPS ]
[ Normal voice ]
I SAID...
[ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK.
SAY, "YEAH!"
Frank:
I HAD THE MADMAN'S MOTO-PSYCHO,
AND I HAD
THE MADMAN'S JUMPSUIT.
NOW I NEEDED TO SEE IF I HAD
THE MADMAN'S ABILITIES.
AAAH!
[ THUD ]
OH!
Owens: BROADCASTING LIVE
FROM SAUGUS, CALIFORNIA,
IT'S "CELEBRITY BIG TOP"!
[ CROWD GASPS ]
WOW!
WEBSTER
DOESN'T EVEN FLINCH
AS THE HULK WINGS
THOSE KNIVES AT HIM.
IF COURAGE WERE MEASURED
IN HEIGHT,
THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH
WOULD BE 10 FEET TALL.
[ METAL PINGS ]
DUDE, WATCH THE 'FRO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW HIM
FROM "HAPPY DAYS,"
YOU KIND OF REMEMBER HIM
FROM "CHARLES IN CHARGE,"
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY UNAWARE
THAT HE WAS ON
"DIAGNOSIS MURDER."
LET'S GIVE A BIG ROUND
OF APPLAUSE FOR...
SCOTT BAIO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ Laughing ]
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH!
WHOO!
IT'S HIM -- SCOUT BAYOU!
[ SHOES SQUEAKING ]
[ DRUMROLL ]
WELL, APPARENTLY
AN ANGRY CLOWN
AND A WOMAN FROM THE CROWD
HAVE DECIDED TO JOIN THE FUN.
LET'S GIVE THEM A BIG ROUND
OF APPLAUSE, SHALL WE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ ENGINE RUMBLING ]
[ SIGHS ]
GUESS WHO'S BACK.
[ WHISTLING ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ DRUMROLL CONTINUES ]
BAIO! GET BACK HERE!
Owens: OH, NO!
THE CLOWN
IS ABOUT TO CUT THE WIRE
WITH HIS GIANT WIRE CUTTERS.
IS THIS THE END
FOR SCOTT BAIO?
[ ALL GASP ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
HEY, LOOK --
IT'S AMERICA'S FAVORITE
JIVE-TALKIN' PUPPET.
IT'S LESTER!
WHAT'S UP, YO?!
Sharon: NO!
DON'T LOOK AT THE PUPPET!
LOOK AT THE CLOWN, THE CLOWN!
HEY!
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, DAD.
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
AAAAAH!
[ GASPS ]
AAAAAH!
CHACHI-I-I-I!
CHACHI!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
FRANK!
YOU SHOWED UP! AAAH!
STAY RIGHT THERE, McKLUSKY,
OR SHE DIES!
[ CROWD GASPS ]
STOP THE CAR, PUPPET.
WHAT?
HIT THE FREAKIN' GAS,
LESTER!
CHILL, MY MAN!
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
HOLD ON, BAIO.
[ ENGINE REVS ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
UGH! WHOA!
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL,
HORNS BLARE ]
[ HORNS HONKING ]
[ WHIMPERING ]
WHO ARE YOU?!
AND WHAT'S THIS
ALL ABOUT?!
NAME'S FRANK McKLUSKY.
I WAS AN INSURANCE CLAIMS
INVESTIGATOR.
OH.
REMEMBER EPISODE 66
OF "CHARLES IN CHARGE,"
WHEN YOU GOT BONKED
ON THE HEAD
AND BECAME YOUR EVIL
ALTER EGO CHAS,
WHO THEN BEAT UP
DANIEL BALDWIN
AT THE PIZZA PARLOR?
YEAH. WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH ANYTHING?
NOTHING. YOU WERE JUS GREAT IN THAT EPISODE.
WHAT?!
[ PANTING ]
[ GRUNTING ]
UH-OH.
HYAH!
OH!
[ GASPS ]
WHO THE HELL
ARE YOU?
I'M JUST A PUPPETEER, MAN!
DON'T KILL ME!
UGH!
AAAH! WATCH OUT!
UGH!
WHOA!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
ARE YOU OKAY?
THANKS FOR TRYING
TO SAVE ME.
[ PANTING ]
WHOA.
DUDE...
YOUR NOSE.
OH, JEEZ.
MY LAWYER TOLD ME
THAT I COULD PICK UP
SOME QUICK CASH
BY DOING THIS.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING --
JOANIE MAY LOVE CHACHI,
BUT CHACHI HATES
THE RESIDUALS.
McKLUSKY!
I TOLD YOU,
BUT YOU COULDN'T LEAVE
WELL ENOUGH ALONE, COULD YOU?
AND NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO
DO YOU THE WAY I DID HERB!
WAIT, YOU'RE GAY, TOO?
I KILLED HIM, ASSHOLE.
[ VEHICLE APPROACHES ]
AW! [ GROANS ]
WELL, WELL, WELL.
ISN'T IT NICE
THAT THE GANG'S
ALL HERE?
AND WHAT A PLACE
FOR THE PARTY,
A PLACE I LIKE TO CALL
"ADIOS, PEEDRO."
TELL ME YOU KILLED
MY PARTNER AND THE RES OF THOSE OTHER PEOPLE
FOR SOMETHING
OTHER THAN THE MONEY.
NO, IT WAS ALL
FOR THE MONEY.
YOU SEE, McKLUSKY,
I HAD YOUR ASS PEGGED
AS A SHUT-IN FREAK.
I THOUGHT I COULD PU YOUR EAGER ASS
WITH McKLUSKY
AND HAVE HIM STIFLE YOU
WITH A MILLION RULES
AND REGULATIONS,
BUT, NO, YOU TWO HAD TO GO
AND ACT AS A TEAM.
WELL, NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE
AS A TEAM.
KILL THEM, BAYOU,
AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE
AN ACCIDENT.
I'M NOT KILLING ANYONE.
I WAS TALKING TO
THE BALD GUY, JACKASS.
OH.
NOOOO!
[ GUNSHOT ]
[ THUD ]
UGH!
[ THUD ]
OHHH!
RRRRRR.
Sharon: FRANK,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
[ LAUGHS ]
WOW.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ METAL CREAKING ]
WHAT THE HELL?!
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
STRONG GIRL.
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
WHOA!
[ CRASHING ]
OUCH.
I GUESS THIS HANDBOOK
WAS GOOD FOR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW IT'S AGAINS RULE 38, SUBSET 6B,
FOR A SENIOR
TO KISS HIS JUNIOR.
YEAH, WELL...
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
SCREW THE BOOK.
[ WHOOSHING ]
[ THUD ]
OW!
OKAY, WHO'S THE DICK
THROWIN' BOOKS?
[ SLAP! ]
AAAH!
ARE YOU OKAY, FRANKIE?
UH, FREEDA,
HAVE YOU MET SCOTT BAIO?
HE'S A ROCK-'N'-ROLL
SUPERHUNK.
PHEW!
GOOD CALL.
RRRRRRR.
EW. UH, UH, UH...
WANT TO TOUCH MY BOOBS?
HOW'S THAT, NOW?
[ LAUGHS ]
Frank: EVERYTHING
TURNED OUT ALL RIGHT.
I FOUND JIMMY'S KILLER,
GOT THE GIRL,
AND MY DAD FELL OUT OF
HIS UNCONSCIOUS-COMA TYPE DEAL,
WHICH REMINDED ME...
THERE'S ONE MORE THING
I NEED TO DO.
...WITH SCOTT BAIO'S
PHONY-NOSE CONFESSION,
I FINALLY HAD THE EVIDENCE
TO PUT AWAY THE REIGNING KINGS
OF INSURANCE FRAUD
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
THE ROSENGOLDS DID IT!
[ GAVEL BANGS ]
Judge: I HEREBY SENTENCE
THE ROSENGOLDS
TO 20 YEARS
IN A MAXIMUM-SECURITY PRISON.
Ronnie: A GRIEVOUS ERROR,
YOUR HONOR!
I OBJECT THE SHI OUT OF THIS BEE-ATCH!
A TRAVESTY!
THEY GONNA TURN ME
INTO A GIRL, RONNIE!
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
[ CHEERING ]
Frank: MY DAD ALWAYS SAID
YOU CAN'T ACHIEVE ANYTHING
WITHOUT TAKING A RISK.
HE WAS RIGHT.
I TOOK A CHANCE ON MYSELF,
AND I PUT MY FAMILY
BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
[ UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYS ]
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