Frat Pack (2018) Movie Script

[woman] Yeah. Oh, yeah.
There we go.
No, no, no, let's not...
Take your shirt off, little boy.
Oh, yeah.
- [man] Okay, this is...
- [woman] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
- I just needed the toilet.
- Just pee your pants.
- Stop it.
- Oh, yeah.
- No.
- Yes!
- No.
- Yes!
[grunting and moaning]
You shut up, you baby.
Yeah. Shut up! Shut up!
Oh, here, look at the butterfly.
You gotta look at the butterfly.
Now look at the butterfly.
Now look at the butterfly.
Look at the butterfly.
Ooh, look at the butterfly.
Ooh! [laughs]
[man] For the record,
I did not sign up for this.
This is not the sort of situation I
would typically choose to be in.
Just thought
that you should know that.
[woman laughing]
- Help!
- Oh, yeah.
[pop song playing]
[man rapping]
[song ends]
Hello there, I'm Elliot.
This is my village. In England.
It all started one summer.
I'd just graduated university and I
had to move back in with my mother.
I was having a bit of a
tough time finding a job.
Oh, and I was recently dumped.
So, yeah, the first days of adult
life were looking promising.
hands off your snakey.
I'm not... Mom, morning.
You're not looking at those
smutty sites, are you?
Like FuckTube and YouTug.
Ugh. No. Why have you even
heard of things like that?
There's a better girl out there for
you, darling. Don't you worry.
I always thought Alison
was a bit of a whore anyway.
Just a mother's intuition.
I want to tell you that I've
met a lovely American chap.
- What?
- Yes. At the convention in Chicago.
We met in the bar and he bedded
me in his room that night.
- And I'm going to marry him.
- What?
Now, don't get over-excited.
I'm not getting over-excited,
I'm just hoping this is a joke
or something.
- A weird joke.
- Honestly.
He's the first man since your father
left to make me feel pleasure.
That's completely unnecessary.
Honestly, I've been
craving a man.
Then please stop
being honest, Mom.
He's a lovely chap,
you're going to really like him.
Is he here?
Oh, no,
you're going to meet him.
What are you on about?
- He's bought you a ticket.
- [spits]
- Where?
- To America.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Where?
- Bismarck, North Dakota.
Oh, where the hell is that?
Well, now,
I've heard it's a lovely place.
They call it
"The Orlando of the North."
Without the Disneyland or the
tropical weather, of course.
- What?
- So, you'll stay there for a while,
I'll be here
and wrap up stuff at work
and then join you on the weekend
for our little wedding.
This weekend?
Darling, if you don't like it,
you don't have to move.
Mom, this is...
What's the harm in going
and meeting everyone?
I understand American girls
quite like a British accent.
I have something for you.
Oh, my God. Gross.
- Well, now hang on.
- Why are there so many of them as well?
Would you like
to see a photo?
Here's my Romeo.
- Oh, my good God, Mom.
- His name is Michaelson.
- What? Michael?
- Son.
- Son?
- Michaelson.
What sort of a name is that?
Oh, don't be silly, darling,
He's got two lovely sons.
Sean, the accountant,
and Joey.
I hear he's a bit
of a character.
- It'll be the start of a new chapter...
- I don't care.
Mom, I want nothing to do
with these people.
I am not going.
[PA chimes]
[woman over PA]
Welcome to North Dakota,
the least visited state
in America.
Not so fast, slick.
- I beg your pardon?
- Pardon yourself, assface.
Freak out
and I'm going to homicide you.
Now, walk and act casual.
Come on.
Come on.
- Keep it fucking moving.
- Okay.
[in mock British accent]
Hello, guv'nor!
Me name is Winston Churchill.
Welcome to America.
[English accent]
The fucking US of A!
[American accent]
Wolverine isn't English, moron.
[American accent] Yeah, but
Hugh Jackson is, you dumbass.
Dude, you got his name wrong,
and he's Australian.
He's not from Austria, you tool.
[English accent] Will you two blokes
stop cunting about, eh? [laughs]
[American accent] A little creepy?
A little creepy with the masks?
[English accent]
Off with your heads, then!
[man chuckles]
[American accent] Oh, yeah.
Hey. Michaelson.
How are you doing, eh?
This here's Sean.
I begged them not to do it.
What up, dude? I'm Joey.
But my friends call me
"Young Joseph."
Dude, nobody calls you that.
- Shut up.
- Hey, you like the OG shit?
You like the OG shit.
Huh, El, you like the OG shit?
[rap music playing
on car stereo]
[Michaelson] All right.
All right.
That's how we like it.
That's how we roll.
- It's great.
- Yeah.
You know what?
Never mind that.
Nah, let's get going.
[engine starts]
Do you want the Beatles?
Do you want that?
- You want the Beatles?
- Okay.
[man singing pop song]
[song fades]
[Michaelson] So it's a
three-bedroom casa upstairs,
so you'll be crashing here
in my dojo down here. Yeah.
And I hope you don't mind
the girls being in here,
'cause they love Joe's room.
- Oh, the cats?
- Yeah.
I'm actually
slightly allergic.
What? Holy shit!
I gotta get the girls
out of here!
[Elliot] It's not...
It doesn't really matter, but...
It's a mild allergy.
Look, I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Consider this
an official apology, okay?
- Okay.
- We had no idea.
We're all cat lovers here.
That's Princess over there.
This is Cosby. This was before Cosby
did all that shit, I named it.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
My mom actually gave me
allergy medicine, so...
Your mom is an angel sent
directly from God's bosom.
- Directly! Directly!
- Directly.
- I like techno.
- Okay.
I love hip-hop,
I like... I like kale,
I like Uber X, I like social
medias, I like all that shit, El!
I'm telling ya, if you're
thinking I'm some kind of weirdo,
I'm a...
I'm actually pretty cool.
- I'm pretty cool. [clears throat]
- Mmm-hmm.
[cat growls]
I think I'm...
I think I'm pretty nervous.
Is the cat okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Yeah, I think he went to the bathroom.
I gotta go.
Really beautiful house.
Oh, yeah, did my dad
set you up okay?
Yes. I'm in the sort of Asian-inspired
room. I've got my own punch bag and...
- Right. The dojo.
- Yeah.
Sorry about the cats.
Ever since our mom died,
my dad's been really into them.
- [meows]
- Oh.
Sometimes he just tries
too hard.
I just think he really wants you
to like him.
So, what's up, are you in
a costume or some shit?
- [Sean] Dude...
- I'm just saying.
We need to make him look less like
Doctor Who before the trip. That's all.
I just... I wasn't really sure
what was appropriate to wear in...
I can dress you in my threads if
you're cool with the smell of pussy,
because they be covered
in that shit, yo.
He's a moron.
So, you just graduated college?
Yeah, a couple of weeks ago.
Oh, cool,
did you go to Hogwarts?
You see...
Total moron.
[Michaelson] All right.
You dudes better be hungry.
- [cat yowls]
- Get out of here.
Ah. Yeah.
[chuckles] Oh, wait, pizza's here.
All right!
Hey, El,
they got pizza in the UK?
- Uh, yup.
- Cool.
- Awesome. [clears throat]
- Hi, guys.
[Joey] Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey, all right!
- [Michaelson] Okay.
- [Sean] Yay.
- Hi, I'm Skylar.
- Hi. Elliot.
Oh. Nice to meet you.
This must be so crazy for you,
coming out here to meet these guys.
Uh... Yeah, a bit.
[Skylar chuckles]
[Michaelson] Yeah,
that looks good.
After you.
Oh. Thanks.
[Michaelson] Oh,
wait, wait, wait!
I got something for you, El.
- A little English food, huh?
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh.
[Michaelson, English accent]
Your tea and crumpets, sir.
- Thanks.
- [American accent] Yes, of course. My pleasure.
- Looks great.
- Like you never left home, right?
Are you guys excited
for the road trip?
Fuck, yeah!
Fucking road trip, baby.
Hey, are Amy and Shu driving
with you?
Yeah, and some girl from work
wants to come.
Oh, yeah,
I bet she wants to come.
Atta boy, Joey.
[all laughing]
- Joey! Right?
- Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Sniff it. Yeah. Yeah.
That's my boy.
So... Sorry, what is it
that we're doing, exactly?
Oh, it's alumni weekend at
our college in Colorado.
Yeah, my frat is throwing
a fucking rager.
Yeah. Listen, after dinner, why
don't you guys pop a few brewskis,
fill El in on the road trip, and
then I'm gonna hit the dojo.
Right after this, I'm gonna
give Sean a little ass-pounding
in a game called
You guys got that in the UK?
- No.
- [Sean] You're gonna...
You're gonna pound me
in the ass?
[Joey] The fuck you trying
to say?
You just said you were gonna
pound my ass.
That's your new family.
- [Joey] Don't even think about it.
- [Sean] I'm not gay.
[Joey] Pound, pound, pound,
pound, pound, pound, pound...
- [TV: video game sounds]
- [Sean] Oh.
Pound, pound, pound,
pound, pound!
So, I thought you and Sean were,
like, boyfriend and girlfriend.
- Gross, no.
- You're gross.
I just grew up next door.
They're like my brothers.
But you all ended up going
to the same university?
Yeah, we wanted to get away from Bismarck.
Shocker, huh?
Joey had Van Wilder complex, so we
all graduated about the same time.
- [Joey] I can hear you.
- You know it's true.
Sean hates his job
and Joey's just living at home,
doing this.
All he ever talks about
is the fraternity still.
This trip's gonna be
good for them.
Well, I think life after uni
can be a bit tough.
- You know?
- Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe this will be good
for you, too.
What's up, sluts? [chuckles] Just kidding.
It's a thing...
- [Joey] Fridge!
- [whispering] Okay, so this is Daniel.
They call him "Fridge"
because he's big
or eats out of a fridge a lot
or something? I don't know.
- Okay.
- Who's this guy?
Uh... Fridge, Elliot.
Elliot, Fridge.
I work for the US government.
- Right.
- What do you do?
Um... I'm kind of in-between...
jobs at the moment.
- Yeah, "funemployed."
- Yeah.
You don't work for the
US government, Fridge.
You're a meter maid.
Parking enforcement officer,
Still working for
the government, Sean.
Shut up, Fridge.
You got it, bro.
Do you want another beer?
Yeah, but I'll get us one.
All right.
[cat yowls]
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- Yup, just another cat.
It was a cat.
- [Joey] Morning, Dad.
- Whoo! New record.
Road trip, motherfucker!
I'm really not feeling very comfortable
in the clothing Joey's given me.
I don't know, let me see. Spin.
I see what you mean.
It's a little straightforward.
I mean, I didn't go to their college,
but I sure do like to have fun.
Like, on weekends, I'll wear a
shirt with a more humorous slogan,
like, "I'm not as think
as you drunk I am." [laughs]
Oh, yes, very clever.
Shut up, Fridge. It's a wonder
why he never gets laid.
Morning, yo!
Oh, hi.
I can carry that for you.
Oh, no, you don't have to.
Not a fan of the po-pos, huh?
No, I would never usually
wear something like this.
- Hey, when's the evil witch arriving?
- Stop!
- She's coming now.
- [car honks]
[woman #2]
Let me out of this bento box.
Road trip, bitches!
- Fuck, yeah, bitches!
- Oh.
So, Elliot,
this is Shu and that's Amy.
We all went to college together.
Oh. Hello, nice to meet you.
[Shu, imitating E.T.]
E.T., that's a great film.
He sounds weird.
- [Elliot] Sorry.
- Hello, ladies.
Let's get out of here
and ditch these losers.
My friend will be here
in a minute.
That's right, you got a
hot teacher chick coming.
[Amy] Who is she?
She's the gym instructor
at my school.
She's going through
a really bad breakup,
so I thought she'd appreciate
some time away.
She'll appreciate my crane.
[Sean] Come on, dude, no.
She's got
a really cool personality.
[all groan]
Yeah, that's code for pig.
Guys, stop.
That's her right now.
God fucking damn it!
- [Skylar] Hi, friend!
- Oh, keep your distance.
- Oh.
- Breakfast burrito's resting uneasy in my gut.
Are you okay?
We'll know in an hour,
won't we?
What the fuck?
This is Shu and Amy...
- Hey.
- Hey.
- ...and these are the guys.
- Hi, I'm Sean.
Young Joseph.
- Who?
- Huh?
- What's your name?
- Fatima.
I'm Daniel.
[chuckles nervously]
But people call me Fridge,
'cause I'm strong or something.
It's whatever,
it's weird.
- Cool name.
- Yeah?
How do you do?
- Brit, huh?
- Yup.
- I bet you are.
- Okay.
Um, we're gonna head out.
I'm driving
and Skylar's shotgun.
- [Skylar] See you guys on the road.
- [Sean] Bye.
- [Fridge] See ya. Bye.
- El, I wanna talk to you for a second.
Hey, listen, I really appreciate you being
so cool about everything, you know?
And I really love your mom and I know
we're gonna be a really happy family.
- Okay.
- That being said,
go out there and get
some American ass!
[all laughing]
Be safe, huh?
Don't be late
to my motherfucking wedding.
Yeah, don't do anything
I wouldn't do.
Road trip, bitches!
Drugs and sex and fucking, sucking...
Road trip it, motherfucker!
Oh, yeah. Whoo.
They're gone.
Got my run in, my shake.
Jerk off.
[rock song playing]
[man singing]
[song ends]
[Joey] Dude, did you hear
what that girl's name was?
- Yeah.
- [laughing]
Yo, El, did you hear?
Yeah, I heard.
No, but did you
actually hear it?
Yeah, I heard it.
No, you don't get it.
It's "Fat-ima."
She's fat and her name is...
Fatima. I know. I got it.
No, I don't think you pronounce
it like that, okay, guys?
I think it's "Fa-tima."
You know,
it's like a beautiful song.
No way! It's "Fat-ima,"
but she's actually fat!
You don't get it.
No, I got it.
- We got it.
- I fucking got it.
Oh, you don't get it.
- Yeah, we get it.
- We get it.
[Amy] We are taking a different
route to those idiots, right?
There's really only one route.
And they're great guys,
That English dude
seems kind of cute.
Oh, yeah?
I guess he is kind of cute.
A Brit fingered me once.
No complaints.
[Joey] All right, we gotta swing
by Kush's yard and get rigged up.
[Fridge] Yeah.
- Wait, what does that mean?
- Marijuana.
I don't think
we have time, guys.
We should just keep driving.
Just keep on driving.
- No, this party's gonna be a rager.
- Yeah. Honk, honk!
We gotta do shit right.
I'm not showing up
Yeah, look, I... I don't wanna be the
sort of party pooper or whatever.
I'm not really comfortable
with the whole drugs thing,
you know,
it's not really my thing.
I've just applied
for a job and...
No, fuck that! We're gonna rage
like true frat stars, all right?
We're gonna get you some Smir
to get things started,
some brewskis to keep the form,
a little... [sniffs]
bombers to keep things going,
You know,
and do shots to black out
and do whatever the fuck you do
when you're blacked out.
And then... you know,
smoke a doob to level out
and then snort a ripper in the
morning to get back on track.
[Joey, Fridge laughing]
- You know what I'm saying?
- Good time!
I have no idea
what you just said.
You guys remember Steve Collins?
Oh. Skeazy Steve.
Don't even go there.
That's right! You and Skeazy Steve
had a skeazy sesh together.
- Oh!
- It was freshman year.
It was so long ago,
I can pretend it never happened.
But it did happen.
Oh, it definitely happened.
So, what are we talking about, here?
No. Just a good old
college beej.
- Ew! She had Skeazy Steve's wiener in her mouth.
- Ugh!
[imitates gagging] Oh!
I love giving blowjobs.
No, you don't.
No girl actually likes it.
No girl likes blowjobs.
I do.
You know what it is? Guys watch
too much porn these days.
- Yes.
- Yeah, we're not porn stars.
We're not!
Skeazy Steve tried to
jizz on my face.
- Stop.
- Yeah.
- As if girls actually want that.
- Ew...
- You didn't let him, did you?
- God...
[siren wailing in distance]
[man] Fuck you, man!
[woman screams]
Is this area safe?
Fuck yeah. This is my hood, yo.
This isn't actually
your hood, yo.
We'd be back where we came from, right?
With Dad.
It says right here that seven
people were murdered last week.
Right on this spot.
- What?
- Isn't that crazy?
- Yeah.
- Do you guys have smartphones in the UK?
- Yeah.
- No, I mean like smartphones like this.
Not like... [imitates beeping]
"Operator, can I get me mum?"
- But like this.
- Yeah, yeah, no, we've got smartphones.
I don't think so.
Yo, this is the spot.
- [Elliot] Oh, my God.
- [Joey] Yeah.
Kushy's got the best weed
in the world.
[knocking continues]
All right, well, I guess he's
out for tea or something.
So, we should probably just go.
- Bhagwan.
- Oh, Kush-dog!
[Jamaican accent] Kush be waiting
for the vermin exterminator.
Ah, we...
We came to get some weed.
- Me brethren come to me house for trees?
- Yeah.
[Kush chuckles]
Yo, you're gonna have to translate
his British. I don't get it.
That's definitely
not British.
- Yo, Joe, let's make this quick, okay?
- We will.
- Really quick.
- Is anyone else concerned about the...
He's got a firearm. I'm going.
Have yourself some seats,
Can we please go?
- [clattering]
- [Elliot] Project for a bitch.
This is a lovely place
that you have here.
- We can't stay very long, so...
- Have a seat.
Not there!
Oh, bloody hell.
Kush been having trouble with
the enemy and the dirty rats.
Nothing to worry about.
Yo, he's cool.
He's just paranoid.
He's just smoked way too
much weed for a human.
Way too much.
Yeah, so, we'd love to
grab an eighth,
and then we'll just
get out of your hair.
This weed be called...
"the Damp Hamster."
Right. Well, Joey, would you
like to pay the gentleman
and we'll just take the damp
hamster somewhere else?
I smoke with the brother.
Uh... I don't think...
- Do we need to smoke?
- [Sean] No, we don't need to do that.
- We don't need to smoke right now.
- Not really in the mood.
[Kush] Two hits...
with the damp hamster...
It make your life go crazy.
Your heart feel like it explode, your
head feel like it be in the tumble dryer,
your face feel like
it being eaten by a cow,
your ass feel like
it being entered. [hisses]
And then you crash hard.
I have to say,
I'm not particularly in the mood for
any of those sensations right now.
You know?
The friends of Kush
smoke with the Kush.
Oh, my God.
[reggae song playing]
Thank you very much.
[man singing reggae]
Be friends with the Kush.
The sensation of the ass
being entered.
Yup, I felt it.
- [song continues]
- [man rapping]
[song fades]
[gun clicks]
[Kush breathing heavily]
Where the fuck
did you come from?
I've been here the whole time.
Guys, please wake up.
There's a rat in here.
No, no, no! I assure you,
I'm not a rat.
Your business
is your business, sir. Okay?
- Wake up!
- There's a rat in me house!
[Elliot yelps]
Holy shit!
- [Kush] Watch out for the rat!
- [Sean] What rat?
Where? Here?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
We would never rat on a G, man!
What rat? Where?
- There be rat!
- [screaming]
Get out of here, filthy rats!
Invade the purity
of the house of the Kush.
The rat!
Oh, God, wait for me!
- No!
- Wait for me!
[yelps] No!
I thought it was
the passenger seat.
It's the other way round
in England.
Let's go!
Get it in there, come on!
- No, no, no! I'm high as fuck!
- Come on, go, man!
[all screaming]
[laughing maniacally]
[engine starts]
[with lisp]
Hi, ladies. I'm Saul.
Hi, Saul.
I'm gonna be your server
on this splendid summer day.
You decided?
- Surf and turf.
- Surf and turf.
Two Dr. Peppers, no ice.
- I'm gonna have the...
- [Fatima] They have chow mein.
- What was that?
- They have chow mein.
[mock Asian accent] Oh, I thought
I could try the Western food
for the first time
in my life.
Don't do it on account of us.
- Don't worry about it.
- Do you have Caesar salad?
- Caesar salad? Yes.
- I'll take that.
It's delicious.
Oh, wait, chips and salsa
and guacamole.
For the lovely Fatima.
I don't think you're pronouncing
it correctly, it's "guacamole."
- Guacamole.
- Gua... Guacamole.
- You like?
- Okay.
I think we'll do the chips and guac
for the table. That'd be great.
- [Shu] For the table.
- [Skylar] For the table will be great.
Thank you very much...
- Great. Thank you, Saul.
- [Shu] Thank you, Saul.
Yo, El,
you're driving like a 'tard.
- You need to speed up, bro.
- Yeah.
Would you just
give me a break?
I've never driven on the right
side of the road before.
There's a rat! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
There's a rat! There's a rat!
- [laughing]
- [Joey] What now, the hizzy?
You guys are stupid.
[cat meows]
- [screams]
- [cat yowls]
There's a miniature lion
in here!
Oh, my God.
Why is there a fucking cat
in the car?
It's Princess. It's been
in here the whole time.
Right, well,
we gotta turn around.
- No.
- Yeah.
We're not turning around.
Why don't we just give it to
a child or a lonely vagrant?
[Sean] No, no, no.
My dad loves his cats.
We're gonna have to just, you
know, just take him with us.
Yes! Road trip! Oh, road
trip, you little pussy.
Can someone else please
take over driving?
- No.
- No, no, no. I'm too stoned, dude.
But you know what?
There's a diner and we can stop
and I'll take over.
- Yup, let's go to a diner.
- I'll take over.
Oh, my God.
There's policemen
over there.
Do you think they can tell we're
under the influence of drugs?
Weed's legal, bro. It's fine.
- Legal?
- Yeah.
Then why the good fuck did
we buy it from that lunatic?
Is that a rhetorical question?
What? No. What? No.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, look. It's the girls.
[Amy] Oh, my God, did they
follow us or something?
I'm gonna get some cereal.
- Yeah! Get some cereal!
- Yeah!
That sounds good actually.
Did somebody order some stud muffins?
- Fucking hell.
- Hey, do you mind, tits, move over?
- [screams]
- Oh, Jesus!
- [Elliot] I'm sorry.
- What the fuck?
Thank you. Excuse me.
All right.
- [Elliot] May I sit here? Thank you.
- Yeah, of course.
- [Fridge] She's so clumsy.
- Ew.
You guys reek of weed.
Yeah, my idiot brother nearly got us
killed by a deranged drug dealer.
It was so dope.
Ladies, your food will be
right out.
Thanks, Saul.
Hey, monsieur, could I get
a bowl of cereal, please?
Yes, I will also like
a bowl of cereal, monsieur.
Actually, that sounds really good.
I'll do the same, please, thank you.
Oh, make that six.
And a steak.
How high are you morons?
Quite uncomfortably high.
Six cereal and a steak.
Just give me a shout
if you need anything else.
[mock lisp] Okay, yeah,
can I have six more sodas
with some sesame seeds
and some sweet and sour sauce
on my sausage?
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
- Seriously?
- Yes. Seriously.
- [Joey snickers]
- Joey!
[normal voice]
Did you see what I did?
You see what I did?
No, I missed it.
It must have been really subtle.
- Don't judge all of America on Joey.
- Okay.
Okay, well, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to, uh, go the toilet.
[Amy] Don't you mean the loo?
Oh, yes. I'm going to the loo
to do a number two.
[all] Ew!
Yeah, I'm not. No. I didn't...
I didn't mean that.
I meant... one is all I need.
- I'm really high, so...
- Okay, bye.
He likes you!
Stop. Stop it.
- [Saul] Oops.
- [girls] Oh!
[all laughing]
- It's not funny.
- [Amy] It's what you get!
It's bad service.
Oh, my God.
[Skylar laughs]
I'm not wearing this anymore.
It really does
suit you though.
I got some less gangster shit
if you're not feeling that.
I'm not feeling it,
considering it only says "Fuck
the police" in giant letters.
So, where are you guys
staying tonight?
Oh, we haven't thought
that far ahead.
Maybe we should stay
where you guys are staying.
Fuck that!
These bitches made bank.
I live foot-to-mouth, my dog.
I don't do that.
I'm pretty sure it's
And what is that?
And I'm sure us bitches
got the last room.
Is that a cat in your car?
[Skylar] Okay, I think we're
gonna head out.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[Shu laughing]
- What the F was that?
- Shut up. Please shut up. Go away. Go away.
Oh, guys, I'm gonna text you
an address for tomorrow,
so meet us there at noon,
all right?
It's a surprise,
like your hug. [laughs]
- Shotgun.
- Oh, he's learning.
Yo, El, please stop being
a baby dick around Sky.
What is he on about?
[Sean] Well, you do
kind of like her.
You wanna bang her, right?
Well, no, I like her, so...
You just tried to give her some sort
of Special Ed hug back there. Uh-uh.
No. No, it was a hug goodbye.
Just a friendly hug goodbye.
You know what you should
have done?
You should have ignored her
at lunch, hit on her friends,
and then bitched her out
when we were leaving.
Guarantee you,
she would have blown you.
- Great. In the parking lot.
- In the parking lot.
- If she would have done that, I would've...
- Shut up, Fridge.
Seriously, the worse you treat
them, the more they want you.
It's the golden rule.
[Sean] American girls are, like,
attracted to douchebags.
Trust me, bro.
I know what I'm talking about.
I really do.
[all groaning]
[Joey] What are you doing?
No warning, nothing. Just...
Okay. I had that cereal
with the chunky milk
and then more of the creamer.
- You did have...
- [yelps]
What the hell is going on?
It's the creamer, right?
I breathed, and there's...
I smelled his puke.
[Joey] He's awesome.
[all retching and yelling]
- [hip-hop song playing]
- [man rapping]
[song fades]
My T-shirt is covered in vomit.
Fine, here's another one.
[Elliot] Oh, God.
[Joey exhales]
- [man] No. No, here.
- [bell jingles]
No. No, no,
you're not gonna have that. No.
Sorry. Sorry, just...
Sorry. You know...
Praise the Lord
on this fine day.
Praise him.
Yup... praise him.
Has the Lord exposed himself
to you in all his ways?
Exposed himself?
I would say... not... not... not...
Do you have tea?
Could I get a cup of tea?
By the grace of the Lord,
we have tea of the iced variety.
Okay, not hot tea?
If iced tea was good enough
for Jesus at the Last Supper,
it's good enough for you, buddy.
All right.
I'm not sure that's biblically
accurate, you know?
Uh... Orange soda, then, instead.
That would be great.
Big Slurp?
Yes. One of those.
Not quite sure what it means,
- but I'll trust this gentleman.
- [man] No.
Praise the Lord.
Big Slurp it is.
- [man] What? Come on.
- Okay.
Sorry, are we gonna be
sharing this?
No, we're not.
3.99. In God we trust.
- Yeah, I wish you'd hurry up, too.
- Okay, sorry.
Have a nice day.
Go with God.
You're in God's country.
[Elliot] I noticed, thank you.
It's very nice.
We're his favorite.
I found us a motel
50 miles from here.
And it says here...
it's Ladies Night
across the street,
at the adults only bar.
Hey, man, chill, okay?
Dad gotta take a pee.
[boy] Okay.
- [groans]
- [urinating]
- Oh!
- [giggles]
No. No,
you shouldn't be in here.
Boy, what you be doing?
Get out.
Please, respect my privacy.
[boy talking,
You could not be in here.
- Oh, hell, no!
- Get out.
[boy laughing]
No, no, no! This must look
rather inappropriate.
You nasty motherfucker!
- Wait, I can't find Princess.
- Princess is gonna take a little time-out.
Go! Start the car!
[Joey] What are you doing?
Go! Go, go!
Go! Go!
- Go! Go! Go!
- That's right, you better run!
You better run. I'll find you.
- Come on!
- Big-Slurping motherfucker!
- [boy laughing]
- It's not funny.
[laughing continues]
It's not funny.
[Joey] Did you just lure
that man's child?
[Elliot] No, I didn't do
any luring at all.
Okay, I think the real question
is: Are you a child molester?
No, I didn't think we'd actually have
to clarify that bit. No, I am not.
- Is this a British thing?
- Yeah, I hear Brits are really into that.
- I'm not down with that.
- [all laughing]
[Elliot] Ha, ha, ha, ha.
- That's not cool.
- Very funny. Very, very funny.
- Give me a K!
- [all] K!
You got your K,
you got your K!
Give me an A! A!
You got your A,
you got your A!
- Give me a double-P!
- Double-P!
You got your P,
you got your P!
Give me an A!
I don't know this song.
Give me an A!
You got your A.
[singing in Spanish]
[holds note]
[singing continues,
There's a gas station up the road,
if she could have just waited.
I can hear you.
When I have to go,
I have to go!
I heard Brad Schlonghauser's
gonna be at this party.
Oh, God, don't tell me that.
Why? This could be your chance
to get him back.
I don't want him back.
Him dumping me was the best
thing that could have happened.
He's like a juiced-up
Ken doll.
Can you turn the other way? You're
kind of giving me stage fright.
I seen it all before.
Lots of times.
- Sky?
- Can you hurry this up?
Thank you.
"Hey ladies, I'm Brad.
I've got a plastic stump instead
of a dick, like an action figure."
"Hey ladies, I'm Brad. I Instagram
myself daily at the gym,
doing squats."
[Amy] But he's so hot,
I feel like we've been here
for an hour.
Okay, well, it takes me a long
time because you kept talking.
- Well, now it's my turn, so...
- Okay.
Look out for a girl.
You'll need to
find some tissue.
I have a feeling this isn't
just gonna be a number one.
- [farts]
- Sky?
Oh, my fucking God.
[Shu] Sky?
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, that's deadly!
[Joey] Yo, stop the car!
Yo, back up. Back up.
[Sean] Oh, come on, Joey, no.
[bell jingles]
It's just frat letters
on my chest... KOK.
- [door closes]
- [bell jingles]
Like a true frat star
for the party.
Yeah, but it's not just for the
party, it's your life, man.
It's permanent.
Yeah, we're frat brothers
for life, so...
I'm cool with permanent.
You little lambs
got an appointment?
"Little lambs"?
Not that you need one. I ain't
done a tattoo in over a month.
Yo, I've changed my mind.
- Thank God, let's go.
- No.
I don't want the frat letters.
I want those.
Oh, no, no, no. See, those are in
memory of people who have passed away.
Sorry for your loss.
Or people you've murdered.
- What?
- Right.
[whispers] Let's get
the fuck out of here.
I wanna rock that shit.
- Joe, I love you.
- Homo.
You're my brother, but you gotta
trust me when I tell you,
you don't want that
tattooed on your face.
I want it in memory of Mom.
Oh, well...
[needle buzzing]
Damn dog.
He's shitting all over the house.
It's everywhere.
Oh, God.
- [sneezes]
- Oh, dear God.
[buzzing continues]
- [man] You got a name?
- Joey.
AKA Young Joseph.
They call me Dirty.
You know how I got my name?
Well, it wouldn't take a
rocket scientist, right?
No, why?
Now, it all started when I was
just, like, a little gator.
You know, I'd run around fixing
what needed to be fixing...
[chuckles] and beating on
whatever needed to be beat on.
And my auntie was breastfeeding
my baby sister.
And I come in from the yard
all covered in mud and blood.
Now, my momma said,
"Boy, your hands are..."
- Dirty?
- "Delicate."
So she tells me to use my hands
to clean the dead vermin
out of the drain.
So, I reach my hands
right down in there
and use my nails
to scrape off the goo and guts.
And my daddy says,
- "Boy, you sure are..."
- Dirty.
Years later,
when I got my own trailer,
and the refrigerator's
full of mice
and the john's full of flies
and there's roaches
all over the bed,
everybody kept saying,
"Boy, your trailer sure is..."
Well, I mean, I think the
word should be "dirty,"
but I'm guessing
it was something else.
And I laugh. I laugh, like a...
[laughs and coughs]
[laughing nervously]
Grown man being called designer?
Well, that sure is funny.
Um... So, maybe we should
just end on that high note.
- Maybe we should.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, guys. Before we go,
we should probably find out.
Why do they call you "Dirty"?
My twin brother. He's an
unhygienic piece of shit.
They always getting us
confused and the name stuck.
Mistaken identity. I hate when
that shit happens, you know?
[Joey laughs crazily]
So, how much does this cost?
- Two hundred dollars.
- Fuck that. I can't afford that.
- Excuse me?
- Okay, how about a hundred?
Hey, how about 300?
How about payment
in the form of a pet cat?
Fuck you and your cat.
[Elliot] How much would the work
you've already done cost us?
Fifty dollars.
- Yeah?
- [Elliot] That was worth it.
I dig it. That's cool.
Oh, wow, place looks good, Shu.
Nice work.
You're welcome. Give it up.
[Shu] Are you still
bringing your bedsheets?
Do you know how dirty
the hotel ones are?
Hell, yeah.
I saw a documentary.
They found 6,000 traces of shit just
on the light switch of the hotel.
And, like, ten million
traces of, like, jizz
all over the TV screen, like...
[imitates spraying]
- [yelps]
- Oh.
Let's play truth or dare
- Oh, my God.
- What are we, five years old?
I don't play that game anymore.
That's how I ended up in county.
As in, county jail?
What? I didn't know
you went to jail.
Think they'd let me work at school
if they knew I served time?
I stole someone's identity.
We're all good.
[nervous chuckle]
[grunts, exhales]
Amy, bedmates.
For sure.
Don't drop the soap.
[Elliot] Oh, for fuck's sake.
[Fridge] I don't know, it's got
pretty good reviews online.
[Sean] Yeah, from serial killers
and rapists?
No, I got it. I got it.
- Just come on.
- I got it.
- Come on.
- No, I got it. I got it.
- Thanks, guys.
- No problem.
[bell rings]
[television, indistinct]
- [Joey] Are you open?
- [sighs]
Of course we're open, man.
[speaks foreign
language] Sixty years.
And I'm the best around here,
do you know?
I watch movies all the time.
I watch all day...
foreign language]
How you doing?
- Me?
- Are you talking to me?
foreign language]
He has to call you this.
He has to call you this.
foreign language]
What do you mean by that,
Mr. Sosa?
foreign language]
- Is that British?
- No, that's definitely not British.
- How do you know?
- That's not British.
- How do you know?
- Don't worry.
I studied languages
in high school.
I'll take care of this.
[clears throat]
Um... Achtung.
We want a room.
No, fuck that.
I'm not sharing a room.
- [Elliot] Why?
- Because...
I'm bringing chicks back and I don't
need you freaks voyeuring in on me.
Where do you expect
to find women?
- I told you there was a hook-up adult place across the street.
- Huh?
How are you gonna get in?
Come on.
[whispers] Tonight is
special on some ladies.
- Ladies?
- Some... sex!
- [Joey] Sex? Yes.
- I definitely heard something about sex.
Fuck, yeah. Let's get wasted
and have some sex with ladies.
You know what? I'm beat.
I'm just gonna go to bed.
Yeah, you know what? I just wanna lay
down in my bed and think about Fatima.
- It has been quite a long day.
- No. What? What? No.
You'll wingman with me, yes?
- Uh...
- Two rooms, my dude.
You two choads can jerk each
other off in your room.
Me and the Brit
are gonna be Eiffel Towering.
What does that mean?
[PA: Muzak]
This is slightly disappointing.
It's a little early.
Let's get some drinks.
- All right. Okay.
- Let's get some drinks.
[Joey] Line us up some
brew-ha-has, my man.
We're serving
brain-ticklers tonight.
Hmm. Not... Probably not quite
what we had in mind. Is there...
That's all we're serving.
What's in a brain-tickler?
Brain. Tickler.
I'm gonna take two of them.
- [Elliot] Um...
- [Joey] Yeah, you are.
- Beer or wine or...
- Stop.
[clicking tongue]
So have you, like, thought about
what you wanna do as a job?
Like, career path or anything?
Is that a rhetorical question?
No. No.
I'm not completely sure
you know what rhetorical means.
Of course I do.
I know what rhetorical means.
It's just your British accent.
- [whimpering]
- [moans]
I'm gonna take
four more of them.
Ooh, I don't know.
And you can keep them flowing.
- [hip-hop song playing]
- [man rapping]
- I don't know if I need any more of that.
- You look a little weird.
Feeling quite uncomfortable,
actually. Quite strange.
I feel great.
[song continues]
[both singing]
[singing continues]
[singing continues]
- Was that the right song?
- I don't know.
[hip-hop song continues]
[hip-hop song ends]
I don't know if I like my brains
being tickled, you know?
And you know, also, I'm not sold
on this whole, like,
- "be mean to girls and they'll like you" theory.
- No!
Trust me. Be a dick!
Next girl that walks in here,
be a dick.
I don't know, I'd really prefer
to just be nice, you know?
No. No. None of this nice guy,
British bullshit.
It's... It's bullshit.
I just... I like to be
nice and polite here.
See? It's meant to happen.
I... I knew it.
Ladies, hi!
[hip-hop song playing]
- Come join us.
- Okay.
- Pleasure to meet you, I'm Elliot.
- Hi. Joey.
- [woman] Hi.
- Good evening.
I mean, that weather...
- Stop it. Stop.
- It's good. It's been good.
- Be a dick.
- [whispers] I don't wanna do it.
Shut the fuck up
and be a dick.
- Be a dick.
- Okay, okay. I'll try, I'll try.
[song stops]
[exclaims] You, uh...
You certainly are,
uh, smelly.
Aren't you?
Oh. Well, you're certainly
turning me on.
- Wh...
- [Joey] Whoa!
- You're a fucking master at this.
- Oh, yeah.
- [song resumes]
- [sniffs] Oh, you stink.
Did you just queef?
Keep them flowing.
You want a drink, you fat
pig-horse with hepatitis?
Stop breathing on me.
You reek.
You're a disturbed, demented,
old wrinkly goat, aren't you?
What's that,
your vagina or something?
Stinks of fish and shit...
and stuff.
I look at you and I just see
a soiled diaper in a dress.
Ready to shag,
you dirty troll?
- [glass clatters]
- [body thuds]
[song stops]
How you doing?
Hey. Hey there,
Mr. James Bond.
I still need to get paid.
What, a righteous one?
Oh, what are you
hiding under there?
- Nothing.
- Is somebody else awake, finally?
- No!
- Come on, 007.
- No, no!
- This dirty troll still wants to get shagged.
- Go away.
- Fancy a little rough-housing, eh?
No, I don't. No...
- A little rough-housing will do you.
- No.
Huh? Huh?
Like it rough, a little rough?
You like... You like...
[Elliot whimpering]
- [kicks]
- Get...
- Oh!
- [body thuds]
[Joey] Dude.
Did you just knock her out?
No, I... It's not a her,
it's a he.
It's a man. It's a man.
- [kissing noise]
- Oh, shit!
[shouts, laughs]
- I'm sorry.
- What did you do to Travis?
No. I'm sorry.
[Sean] You did not! Oh, my God!
[Fridge] Wow. You're really
into some freaky shit, huh?
First you molest a kid
and now you fight a tranny?
I didn't... know she was a he. That
brain-tickler drink fucked me up.
[Sean] Well, you didn't
have to beat her.
How about you try wrestling with a 200-pound
man-woman trying to grab your penis?
- I have!
- What?
- Did you do anything with her?
- No! Thank God.
[Joey] Define "anything."
- [Sean] No!
- [Fridge] What?
Oh! [laughing] Oh!
[Sean] So, what did your lover
think of your new tat?
Oh, whatever. Let's not act like I'm the
only one who got in bed with a tranny.
Anyways, at least my plan to get
El laid paid off. [laughing]
No, I didn't...
But I didn't get laid.
Can we just make that
totally clear?
I didn't do anything
with her, okay?
Point is... my plan is legit.
If you do that at the frat party,
panties are gonna just drop.
- No.
- Yeah.
And look,
I'm really sorry to disappoint,
but I'm not into this whole, like,
"Let's get lots of chicks" thing.
Oh, please don't tell me
what I think you're gonna say.
Please don't tell me you're gay.
I already have one gay brother, and
I just... I don't want another one.
I'm not gay, dude.
[Joey] Yeah,
we're going the wrong way.
[Sean] No, Skylar has
that surprise.
[Joey laughing]
You're disgusting.
[Joey] Oh, you should pull
your dick out.
I have no desire to do that.
What is this place?
[screaming, laughing]
Whoa! Oh!
I want to go home!
- So...
- Uh, so, this is crazy.
I don't know how you
found a place like this.
No, what do you think
of your new family?
Yeah, they're, um...
- They're gr... They're great. They're...
- Yeah. They are.
Just so you know, this is the
happiest I've ever seen them.
It really sucked
when their mom died.
Your mom has really
transformed Michaelson.
Eh... He's a bit odd,
isn't he?
- Oh, he's weird as shit.
- Yeah. Yeah, I think.
But in the best way.
To be honest, the fact he's around
makes him better than my dad was.
I just don't want to see my mom
getting hurt again.
Anyway... I shouldn't
talk to you about that.
No, of course. It's your mom.
You should be protective.
I can't wait to meet her,
by the way.
Oh, she can't wait
to meet you, yeah.
- You told her about me.
- No, I didn't.
No, maybe. I think just in...
- I don't know, maybe in passing.
- Right, yeah.
Just in passing.
Just an accident
or something.
So, I heard Fridge
is riding with the girls.
Do you want to come in our car?
Yeah, I'd love to.
I'm a real aficionado
for humorous apparel.
I have a range of humorous,
hilarious T-shirts.
Such as "Orgasm Donor."
Oh, like in "organ donor,"
- but with an orgasm.
- Orgasm.
- Yeah.
- I appreciate that.
I have another one that says,
"My idea of a balanced meal
is a beer in each hand."
Please stop.
And I just ordered this new one.
It says, "FBI,"
but underneath it, it says...
Oh, "Female Body Inspector."
[Amy] I swear I'm gonna
crash this fucking car.
I got dumped, had to move
back in with my parents
because my salary doesn't cover
my student loan payments.
- It sucks.
- Yeah.
But how boring would it be if we
had it all figured out, right?
That's true. It would be
pretty boring, wouldn't it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What an idiot.
Your ex-boyfriend. A complete moron.
He's... He's gonna regret that forever.
I don't think he cares.
- Really?
- Apparently, he wanted someone better.
- That's why my ex dumped me.
- Really?
Well, she lost a keeper.
- She did, didn't she?
- Yeah, screw her!
Screw her.
Does she know that you're
a P-I-M-P?
I am a P-I-M-P.
I am. How did you know?
Okay. Turn your head.
No, Joey.
Can you drop me
at the sorority, Sean?
[Sean] Okay.
Can I come?
[all saying goodbye]
[Skylar] Bye-bye.
[Elliot] Don't let him in.
Come on, Fridge.
- Do it again.
- No, no, for real.
- Okay.
- Yay!
See you at the party!
Whoo! College, baby!
Young Joseph is back!
[Elliot] Are we here?
Is this it?
Is this the fraternity?
[Joey] Welcome to heaven, boys.
Prepare for your world
to get rocked.
[TV, indistinct]
Well, I'm glad we drove all the
way for this. This is great.
Oh, this is kind of
I mean,
I brought my party shirt, so...
[man burps]
Oh, God fucking damn it.
Not Jeffrey.
Haven't you graduated yet?
Graduating is for losers, bro.
Who wants to go shove a
marshmallow up a freshman's ass?
[shouting and whooping,
- [Jeffrey] Come on. Don't be gay.
- You hear that?
Let's do this.
- [all chanting] Go! Go! Go!
- [snorting]
[chanting continues]
[all shouting]
- [rock song playing]
- [man rapping]
[pop playing on speakers]
It's so weird
being back here.
Let's do
a "getting ready" selfie.
The OGs run
through campus tonight.
- Hell, yeah.
- Yeah.
[shutter clicks]
Hashtag Hotties.
Hashtag NoFilter.
Hashtag WeWokeUpLikeThis.
Hashtag Blessed.
- [spraying]
- [Fatima] Febrezing my vageezy.
[dance music on speakers]
See? Didn't I tell you?
Yes, you did.
Hello, you.
When are the...
When are the girls getting here?
It would be nice to
hang out with Skylar.
Yeah, I think I want to hang out
with Fatima, too.
Bro, she's gross. Seriously.
What the fuck, Joe?
What? Oh, she is.
You both know it.
But he likes her.
[hip-hop song playing
on speakers]
[Joey] It's the frat president,
Eric Stahl, yo.
Yo, sick party, Eric.
- Who the fuck are you?
- Joey.
- I used to be a frat legend.
- You?
I've never heard of you.
And you're old as shit, bro.
No fucking legend.
- What up, guys!
- Hey, girls. Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Where's Fridge?
- He went inside 'cause...
- Shot-off!
- [all cheering]
Let's go. Come on. Get inside.
- I'm gonna go find Fridge.
- Okay.
What's a shot-off?
Drinks, ladies?
Drinks, drinks!
And shots. Drinks and shots.
Shots and drinks.
You gotta win this, bro. You gotta
prove that we're two rock stars.
There's a fucking live fish
in one of them.
You look nervous.
[chomps teeth]
Come on, you first, bitch.
[man] Basically, you take
it in turns to drink a cup.
[Eric] Don't think
about it, just do it.
[Eric] Ohh!
- [woman] Oh, my God.
- [Eric] Yeah!
- O-M-fucking-G, Brad Schlonghauser's here.
- Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
I need a drink.
My favorite ladies.
You miss me?
[chuckles] Yeah.
You girls are like a fine wine,
you only get better with age.
Oh. Clever.
I have a vineyard, but...
why am I talking about wine when I
have champagne right in front of me?
I'm feeling that old...
electric vibe...
- Yeah.
- ...between us.
It's making my heart beat...
like a drum kit.
- Oh.
- [imitating drumming]
You feeling that?
Feeling something.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
To vomit.
So, Brad,
how long are you in town for?
[pop song playing]
[Elliot] When does
this awful game end?
[all cheering]
[Joey] We won!
You wanna be a frat star?
Go outside and do the
elephant walk with Jeffrey.
- Right now!
- [Elliot] What is the elephant walk?
[imitates elephant trumpeting]
Okay, so, are you gonna grab
my tail with your trunk,
or am I grabbing your tail
with my trunk?
Uh... You don't have a tail.
Come on, just grab my cock.
Come on, man!
I, uh...
I'm sorry, bro. I promise you, I'm a true
frat star, but I can't do this shit.
Whoa! Yes!
Come on, don't be gay, man!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- Oh.
- Hi, Amy.
Skeazy Steve.
Is that your new
naughty name for me?
- [sniffs]
- [exhales]
Hey, let me know if you wanna...
dance later.
Yeah, I'll be sure
to do that.
You know I'm talking about
fellatio when I say "dance."
- [Amy groans]
- [laughs]
[mock laughter]
- I can't believe you...
- Shut up, Shu!
Have you seen Skylar anywhere?
Yeah, I think she's inside.
- Okay.
- Great.
Try to find her.
- There he is!
- [blow lands]
Why would you do that?
Because it's fratty, baby,
'cause it's fratty.
No, you are my new special
friend, Brit, you know that?
- Really?
- No, man, you gotta come stay at KOK
because fucking Alpha Sigma
Sigma is fucking everything up.
I'm gonna put
the cat in the car.
Don't leave me with him.
Tonight's gonna be
a special night, Brit.
- Really?
- Yup.
I'm getting a blumpkin.
- A what?
- Blumpkin.
What's that?
- It's a blowjob from a chick.
- Oh, great. Good.
While I'm dropping a dook.
- What?
- It's fucking legendary, man.
No one, in the history of the
frat, has ever achieved it.
- Really? Very surprising.
- No, no...
I want you to get one with me.
Oh, uh, thanks for the offer,
but I'm gonna pass.
You'll go down in history, man.
Yeah, not really what I
want to be remembered for.
I'm sorry, Mr. President,
I tried to do the elephant walk.
- I can't do that shit.
- Fucking loser!
Okay, the only way
I'll forgive you,
and the only way you'll be seen
as a frat star,
is if you get your bitch brother
to bang that cat.
- That's fucking funny?
- No.
That's the most pussy
he'll ever get.
- All right, yeah. I'll make him do it.
- Fucking right!
Oh, my God,
it's gonna be fucking awesome.
- Motherfucking cat!
- [glass shatters]
[Eric] Whoo!
What are you doing?
I gotta make him do it.
I gotta have Eric Stahl
look at me as cool.
Whatever it takes.
Eric Stahl is a fucking lunatic.
All right, what does it matter?
Because I wanna be seen
as a frat legend again, okay?
You know, you may not believe this,
but my life kind of sucks right now.
This is all Young Joseph's got.
[slow pop on speakers]
[inhales, exhales]
Excuse me, mister.
I ordered a stud muffin,
and I think you might be it.
I know this great burrito place
around the corner.
What do you say
we blow this popsicle stand?
You had me at "burrito."
[electronic music
on speakers]
[Eric] Hey guys, how goes
the party stuff in here?
Oh, man,
I'm fired up some, baby.
What's up?
Should you maybe be
a bit more subtle?
Nah, no way, man.
You're in my house tonight.
My rules. My rules.
Are you following me
on Instagram?
Seen all the badass things
I've been doing?
- No.
- Did I tell you I drive a BMW now?
Don't care.
You rip that, Brit.
No, thank you.
Rip it good.
...vanity plates that say,
The "S" is a 5,
but... still dope.
Rip it, Brit. Rip that shit!
- Rip it!
- Fuck it.
Mmm! Yes!
Oh, man, you are a maniac!
No, man, I didn't even know they
had fucking maniacs in the UK.
- Yes.
- Oh!
That is some potent shit.
That is good. That is good.
I'm going to have another one.
- Oh, man!
- Round two.
I am a generous god, yes.
Oh! Snagging it all
like a maniac.
Oh, man, I have to go poop.
- It's go time.
- [exhales sharply]
- Poop time!
- [exhales sharply]
Hello. Hello. Hello, you.
Hello. Hello.
Hey. How's it going?
So, I mean, they just, like, you know,
they say just be a dick to her.
I don't want to be a dick.
Because I feel like
I'm a nice guy.
But she's with
that handsome guy.
She's treating me
like a dick, you know?
I'm gonna...
I'm just gonna try to be a dick.
I need to poop.
It's so weird
how this drug does that, right?
You're just, like, sniff,
and you're like...
Hey, there you are.
What's up, Skylar?
Nothing. What's up with you?
Just doing drugs and shit.
Gonna hit on some babes.
- [burps]
- Ew.
All right,
I'm gonna go get a drink.
And score me a lighter.
Oh, no.
Have you seen
a toilet round here?
Ooh. Don't mind if I do.
It's nice. Quite calming.
Everyone's so generous
with their narcotics.
You seen the toilet?
Brilliant. Thank you.
Hello. Hello. Toilet?
This way?
Oh, baby! There you are!
Jesus, that's rank!
Come on, man, it's not too late
to come join us.
- [farts]
- Oh, fuck.
Mmm! It's happening.
Fuck, yes!
Excuse me, do you know if there's
another toilet around here?
Shut the fuck up,
you're Australian?
- Uh, British.
- Shut up.
I'm... [stammers]
I'm Mimi.
[laughs, gulps]
- [gurgles]
- Oh, God.
- [burps, laughs]
- [blows]
- Elliot.
- O-M-G, you're so hot.
I'm gonna speak in a British
accent from now on.
- No, no, there's no need.
- [mock English accent] Would you like a spot of tea?
Please, nurky, have some more.
What is in that?
[American accent] So, Sir Elliot,
have you ever done Molly?
- Uh, no.
- Don't lie, liar, liar, trousers on fire.
You just did.
What? No. Why'd you give me Molly?
I don't want that.
Did we just have
a Molly moment?
I don't know what we had.
I don't know what's happening.
You want a light show?
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
Whoo-whoo! [babbling]
I think I'm hyperventilating.
Oh, yeah, massage train, yeah!
Oh, there you go,
right... Oh, yeah!
- Suddenly I'm feeling awful.
- Do you have a phone?
Get your phone.
Get your phone out.
I can't feel my new phone.
- I think I lost it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- My heart...
- Insta-moment, Molly-faces!
In the camera there.
There we go.
[shutter clicking]
Stop. Stop!
- Stop.
- You rolling?
No, I'm hyperventilating.
- I don't know what's happening.
- Let's shag.
- No.
- Come on.
- No, please. Please.
- Come on. You know.
- I need a doctor.
- I'm a doctor.
- You pissed my bed.
- No, I didn't!
- Yes, you did.
- What the...
You lost my
fucking skateboard, too.
I don't even know who you are.
- You mother...
- What?
He's mine.
- You!
- I just needed the toilet.
- [Mimi] Just pee your pants.
- [man] I got your dick in my face!
- Okay, enough fun.
- You gotta go to school.
You try to get on the bus.
The sex bus!
Yes, you go to school.
You go to my school.
Give me your arm, bitch.
How are you so strong?
I take kickboxing.
It's my hobby.
You know, that, and knitting.
Knitting blankets
to have sex on!
- Oh, you shut up, you baby.
- [yelping]
Shut up! Shut up!
Oh, here, look at the butterfly.
Yeah, look at the butterfly.
Now, look at the butterfly.
Now, look at the butterfly.
Now, look at the butterfly.
Now, look at the butterfly.
- Now, look at the butterfly.
- Okay.
Look at the butterfly.
Ooh, look at the butterfly.
- I think I'm having a panic attack.
- Oh, good, that'll help.
[dance music, muffled]
I'm gonna turn you
into a man tonight.
Prepare to enter my forest.
I love you.
Look at the butterfly.
Look at the butterfly.
- Oh, yeah, boy!
- [yelps]
- Oh, my God, who is that?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
- [Elliot] Whoa.
- Well, what do we have here?
Here, buddy, hey.
My name's Jeffrey, with a J.
Nice to meet you, I'm Elliot.
Please untie me.
Can you help? Help.
Let's turn this into
a little threeway.
- No. No, no, no.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes!
- No way!
You're only young once, right?
- I'm not even that young.
- Okay, look.
- Untie me, please.
- Look at this mouth.
- Look at... what? No.
- [Mimi] Oh, yeah.
- No.
- [Jeffrey] Like a vagina.
- No, it's not.
- [Mimi] Oh, yeah.
Oh, your accent's
so fucking hot.
- Oh, keep talking how you do, baby.
- I don't...
- Help!
- You know,
my grandparents
are from Barcelona.
Barcelona, England?
[mock English accent]
Too right.
- That's not in England.
- Shut the fuck up.
You little minx.
[dance music playing
on speakers]
Come on, look. Here she is.
Look, take her upstairs to a private
room and put on some music...
Dude, I can't believe you got her out
of the car. You're sick in the head.
I'm gonna go find Elliot.
- Come on, Sky. Help me out.
- No.
- Oh.
- [slurping]
W... We're just dancing,
that's all.
Hey, feel free to join us.
I can easily dance
the tongue-go with two.
Please don't tell anyone, Sky.
My self-esteem's
been kind of low recently.
Skeazy Steve.
- [door closes]
- Get back to work.
- [imitates motor] Hi.
- [grunts]
- [Elliot screaming]
- [blowing raspberries]
[screaming continues]
What the fuck is going on?
No! No!
I feel like
I'm being waterboarded.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
- [Elliot] Oh! No!
- [man] Oh, here we go.
What the...
Oh, isn't his accent so cute?
I just wanted to see
if you were okay.
I did not want this to happen.
Ew, you're already taken?
No, wait! Skylar, wait!
- Please!
- Get out!
- Get out! Get out, you piece of shit!
- [Elliot] Get off!
Get off me. Horrible man.
Skylar. Skylar, wait!
- Wait, I didn't... Wait!
- [Jeffrey] Go get her, bro!
[dance music on speakers]
Wait, Skylar. Please wait.
- What?
- Well...
You know what, Elliot? I just
thought you were different.
You looked at me like you cared,
you opened doors for me, you
even listened to me when I talk.
But really, you're just
like every other guy.
I didn't realize you
even noticed that stuff.
Just have fun, Elliot.
It's not fair of me to get annoyed at you.
It's my own issue.
Okay? Forget it.
- Wait, but...
- [snaps fingers] Uh-uh.
Yo, El,
tell him to bang the cat.
Dude, if it's so important,
you fuck the cat.
Okay, I can't take
this shit anymore.
Whoa, what's up with you?
I don't know! Uh...
Maybe it could be the bisexual threeway
assault that just happened to me
with the mouth-fingering.
Or maybe it's the shot of a
fucking goldfish I had to drink.
- Chill out, dude.
- Don't tell me to chill out.
And why don't you grow up?
You're 26
and you still act like a kid.
Anyway, I don't care.
Just bang the cat already, mate.
I'm over it.
Yeah, just bang your
fucking cat, you bitch.
Oh! Oh!
Bang the fucking cat,
you motherfucker!
Don't you fucking touch him!
Oh, hold... That's cool.
That's cool. That's cool.
- [shouts, laughs]
- [groans]
And down he goes.
For the one
and a two and a three!
Baby, you see that shit?
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohh!
Hey, you get off my brother.
Motherfucker! What?
I'm sorry.
There's no need for violence.
[all shouting]
[shouting, cheering]
[Eric] Bitch!
You bitch!
Son of a bitch!
[man] Hey!
Get off me!
- [Elliot] Sorry!
- [Eric] Hey, it's a sperm whale.
- [yelps]
- [all jeering]
- What, bitch?
- Fuck that!
- Fuck! Oh, God.
- [man] Yeah!
- You all right?
- Yeah.
I think you broke my nose,
you fuck!
- Am I bleeding?
- [man] You all right, dude?
Little bitch!
Fucking pussy bitch.
[Joey shouts]
[dance music playing]
Let's go fuck shit up!
[all cheering]
Oh, my God, my balls!
[music fades]
- Hey!
- [yelps]
'Cause he's a fucking
frat star, bro!
You are an animal, bro!
Um. Go get me some brewskis
for me and my brothers.
Yes, sir.
[groans, coughs]
Hey, we got a wedding to get to.
Ellie, darling.
I love your shirt.
My little P-I-M-P.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hey, Seany, how are you?
- Guys, this is my mom.
- [Michaelson] Hey, hey.
- Hey, Jo-jo, I like the tattoo.
- Thanks, Dad.
You must be Refrigerator.
Yes, milady.
Is that Princess?
Oh, hey! I've been looking
for Princess!
Why don't you take a look at the
new queen of the Davis household.
- You are.
- Yeah.
[Elliot] That's going to take
some getting used to.
Oh, hey, El. Listen...
I taped the English
football game.
Maybe you and I could
look at it later.
Uh... I don't really like football.
God, you're hot.
It's pretty, it's just...
Are you sure about this, Mom?
I mean, the guy...
He's utterly crazy.
Oh, yes,
that's what I love about him.
Well, I'm crazy, too.
And he loves that about me.
I just want to love...
and be loved.
I love you.
Isn't that enough?
I'm sorry about Skylar.
Me too.
Really liked her.
Really liked her.
- Well, you should tell her then.
- It doesn't work like that, Mom.
Girls like guys that are, like, cool
and have game. And that's just not me.
Oh, none of that is true.
People like people
who are nice to them
and who make them feel good
about themselves.
So, you just be honest
and tell her how you feel
and if she doesn't like it,
well then, she's rubbish
and doesn't deserve you.
- Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome, darling.
[mother] Oh, here are the boys.
- Congratulations.
- How are you, pal?
- Yeah. Mom.
- Darling.
- Congratulations.
- Get in here. Get in here.
Baby boy.
- Hi.
- Mom.
- [Michaelson] Hey.
- Congratulations.
- [pop song playing]
- [man singing]
I owe you an apology, Joey,
for what I said.
I just... If you haven't noticed, I've
been a bit stressed recently, and...
it just seems like everyone else has
their life all sorted out and I don't.
You know?
Is that one of those
rhetorical questions?
No, no. We still need to talk about that,
'cause you don't understand that at all.
I feel you though. I think
we're, like, the same person.
Yeah. But I'm ready
to get my life together.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I'm officially a frat
legend now, after last night.
- You are. Congratulations again.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Come here.
- You're all right.
- Yes, you're all right, too. That was nice.
Hi, guys.
You both look very handsome.
Yo, Sky, you know where I could get
some fucking blow for this party?
- You're not doing coke at your dad's wedding.
- Fuck.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Hey, so how was the drive back?
- [scoffs] Long.
- Yeah. Yeah...
It was all right. It was...
The car stinks of vomit.
- How was yours?
- It was long.
We were exhausted.
But look, I just really
wanted to say I'm sorry.
Oh, you don't need
to say anything, honestly.
We're gonna be really good friends,
which is better than anything, right?
Uh... Right.
Joey, your dad looks so happy.
I don't...
- Okay, we need to talk.
- Okay.
Honestly, I think
you're kind of a bitch.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, well, likewise.
But the fact is,
she likes you.
So man the fuck up.
Yeah, stop being so Hugh Grant,
bumsy about it.
"Oh, sorry. Pardon me.
I need to use the loo."
I do not need to use the toilet,
thank you very much.
- "Spot of tea? Pip pip. Sorry."
- Okay, are you both done?
Go get her, Elliot.
- Go now.
- Okay, okay.
- Go get her, Elliot.
- Oh, my God, okay. Okay.
Ladies and dudes. Ladies and dudes.
Hang on a second. Hang on.
I just got a few things to say.
Yeah, just file in there.
First of all, I just wanna say
that I'm in love
with this little English rose
right over here.
You bet. She's my queen.
She's my Lady Di.
She's my Hermione Granger.
But only in HPot 5, 6, and 7. She's
too young in the early films.
Way too fucking young.
I'm not like that.
[yells, laughs]
But listen,
I just wanted to say...
that I am an artist
of the martial arts kind.
And I wanted to express
my love to you...
- in the form of karate.
- Oh.
Want some, get some.
[shouting continues]
That's my fucking dad.
That's my dad.
- [shouting]
- [all muttering]
[all wince]
[shouts, chuckles]
How are we related?
Oh, my...
Oh, shit.
- [woman] All right.
- [all cheering]
Thank you.
Hey, Elliot. Why don't you come
up here and say a few words?
- Fabulous.
- Thanks.
Sorry, quite a tough act to
follow, but... I just...
I just really wanted to say...
Mom, I'm so happy for you.
I really am. You've...
You've found a...
a wonderful man in Michaelson.
And Sean... Joey...
If I'm honest, I really didn't
want to come and meet you.
Because I... I didn't really
understand how important family was.
He's talking about me.
I'm his little brother.
But after
what we've been through...
I realize it's the most
important thing in the world.
And Skylar, uh...
Hit it!
[band plays musical sting]
No, just play something...
Right, thank you.
[band: slow jazz]
[off-key] I don't want to
just Be friends with you
I'd really like to be
Your boyfriend too
I think about you
Every minute, every day
It's been that way
Since we met on the...
'Cause it was last week...
On Wednesday
It's only through marriage. We're
not blood-related, you know.
I know it looked like We were having
a drug-induced Bisexual threesome
You don't have to sing it.
- I don't have to sing, you're right.
- [band stops]
I... I realized that
just after I'd started,
and then I just carried on, 'cause,
you know, "When in Bismarck..."
[scattered chuckles]
What I'm trying to say is...
I think you're the most
incredible girl I've ever met.
If you would just give me
one more chance to "man up,"
as they say,
and prove just how much
I like you...
- [all] Aww.
- [Michaelson] Yeah.
A little awkward.
Feels... It feels awkward.
[pop song playing]
- [all cheering]
- [woman] Go, girl!
- Pull it out.
- [woman] Keep going.
[people singing pop]
Boy, your plan worked.
Well, I knew the right girl was
out there for him somewhere.
- We just had to go and get her.
- Yes.
Right here. Yeah.
Fuck off.
- No.
- [clears throat]
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
There you go.
That will never happen again.
In public.
Well, that was ridiculous. good.
That's a cool move!
So, your mom said
you might be staying.
Well, you see, there's kind
of this girl I'm into.
Oh, yeah?
So, not so worried
about the future then?
Kind of enjoying the moment.
That's right. Hey, El!
Want you to meet my new neighbor.
He came by to say congrats.
Came by to say, "What's up!"
You nasty freak motherfucker!
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God.
- I am not a pedophile.
- What?
- [hip-hop song playing]
- [man rapping]
[man] Mark.
Ugh. Did you just...
[laughs] Sorry.
[all laughing]
Ugh. Did you just queef?
[laughs, indistinct]
[crew laughing]
- Ew. What's on your finger?
- It's from that.
Ew. Ugh.
Meet us somewhere tomorrow
at noon.
I'm sorry.
I'm actually
slightly allergic.
- Holy shit! I am sorry!
- No.
- I'm so sorry!
- No. It's okay.
- Oh, come here. [yelps] Come here.
- [cat hisses]
[both laughing]
Damn thing.
Oh, fuck.
I'm scared as shit of cats.
I'm not touching
that thing again.
Scene 17, take one, alpha.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you
account for my balls?
You hear that?
[man on walkie-talkie] Key alpha, take one.
So, put an A beside the 20...
- Side down?
- So, we're doing this thing again?
- Twenty.
- Alpha, take one.
- Correct.
- And slates, tail slates.
- Side down.
- Side down.
Do you get it?
I'm sorry.
- I held...
- Are you fucking laughing?
- I held it...
- You fucking bitch.
I held it
most of the time.
You guys have
never done it before.
If you have...
it just comes flushing out.
[Shu groans]
- I'm a squirter.
- [Shu] Ew!
I'm... Sorry.
[man] That's really...
[crew laughing, applauding]
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help it.
- Drive, drive, drive!
- No, no. I'm so high.
I'm high as fuck, please.
- Go!
- [crew laughing]
[imitating electric bass]
- [laughing]
- Oh. Oh.
- Then we go.
- [man] Cut.
Hand on ass.
[man] Cutting!
You nasty motherfucker!
[man laughing]
Your heart feel like it explode.
Why am I doing Italian?
I don't know.
[crew laughing]
Did we get the first part?
- [man] The smells don't change.
- Oh, shit!
[song continues]
Oh, look at you.
You big poo.
- [laughing]
- [all laughing]
[song ends]