Freaked (1993) Movie Script
We repeat: the flying gimp has been
destroyed, you may return to your homes.
And now, back to the Skye Daley Show.
With the night special guest:
Ricky Coogin.
Ricky, after your hideous
disfigurement,
you're showing incredible courage by
agreeing finally show yourself in public.
Thanks.
America has watched you growing
up in television and in movies.
For years you were everyone's
favorite little brother in that
hit series, The Baker's Dozen.
AWW!
And, of course, as the star of
those hilarious Ghost Dude movies.
You've got the entire
country saying: "Boo, dude!"
Boo, dude!
But now, after your horrific ordeal,
the very mention of your name makes
children scream in terror.
Ricky Coogin...
the world is waiting to hear your
story.
Well, it's kinda long, but... O.K.
It all started when I was approached to be spokesman...
for a multinational corporation called EES.
- Oh, the Everything Except Shoes people.
- Right.
I was at their headquarters
to meet the chairman and the board of directors.
They wanted to send me to South
America,
to promote a controversial fertilizer called Zygrot-24.
You are the only one who can stand up
to this radicals, who trying to keep...
Zygrot-24 from the struggling farmers
whose very future depends on it.
- Wasn't that stuff banned?
- Only in the US...
and Europe.
- I've heard that shit is lethal.
- Alright, you need proof.
Fine. Please, sit down.
I would like you to meet the head of
our South American research facility
senor Juan Valdez.
My name is Jorge Ramirez.
Whatever. He's been working with
Zygrot-24 every day for the last 5 years.
And look at him. He's in fine shape.
Aren't you...
Juan?
Yes, I'm fine.
I want you know that Me and my team
in Santa Flan...
Santa Flan?! What kinda shitty name for a country is that?
It is named for the Patron Saint
of creamy desserts.
As I was saying, we have worked
very closely with Zygrot-24.
I have personally supervised its development.
No potential danger was
left uninvestigated.
The environmentalists are crackfucks!
All of them!
It's ridiculous, I tell you. Totally ridiculous!
Thank You, Valdez. That'll be all.
- Hey, wait a min...
- Ricky, this is important.
We're talking about a major threat to the EES image.
How does two million dollars plus expenses sound?
Dick, two million. Sounds great.
- But...
- I hear you.
Let's make it five million.
That is, if the board agrees.
Gentlemen, all those in favor?
Good. It's unanimous.
Well, Ricky, that you say? Are you
EES's man in Santa Flan?
So the deal was done.
I was Ricky Coogin toxic chemicals
salesman.
Me and my buddy Ernie hopped on
the next plane to Santa Flan.
- Oh, did show movie?
- Return to the Blue Lagoon.
Oh, I heard that sucked.
Where the hell is Ernie?
Ladies, all wanted was a manicure.
Hey, I'm kidding. What is that, gravy?
Where did you get that?
I don't know, Coog. It started as a pimp,
and that I scratched it.
Can I get you dear two gentlemen a pillow or a blanket?
Yes, please.
- Is that your luggage up there?
- Yeah.
- Is that your ugly little troll?
- Stuey Gluck!
Rick!
Look, I got rare still from your
first season on The Baker's Dozen!
Could you sigh it for me? Please!
Baker's Dozen. I liked the
mom on that show.
- I porked her.
- Cool.
Rick, it says here Zygrot-24 is dangerous.
Why're you lending your name to
it, Rick?
You used to be good. But now...
I just don't know.
Don't cry, Stuey. Deep down, I'm still good.
YES!
May I take your bomb, sir?
aptain Benoway here. To the right of the aircraft,
you can see a terrific view of the Grand Canyon.
And to the left, you can see a
panic-stricken little troll.
- You gonna eat your peanuts, Ernie?
- Nah, you can have 'em.
Thanks.
Hey, I'm O.K.
Santa Flan International Airport
Here we are, Ernie. Santa Spam. World
famous for loud music and hot sex.
- It is?
- Just give me a few hours.
Sure glad that was not our plane.
EES mustn't stay!
Take your toxic crap away!
Jesus! We'd better find a limo right now,
before this whale-kissers will tear us apart...
I got a better idea.
If I can just find the right disguise.
Take this.
Ow! Give me back my crutches! You monster! Oh, it hurts!
Oh, God!
Are you O.K.?
- Let me help you.
- Thanks.
Don't worry about me. What's one man's pain...
weighed against the global injustice of corporate tyrants like EES?
Go. The fight must continue.
- Wow! My name is Julie.
- Josh. Josh Tavner.
Mother Teresa. Glad to meet you.
- Give me that, you ape.
- Ow!
Josh (- Yeah.), a busload of us are headed
over to Maracas to protest Zygrot-24...
and pelt Ricky Coogin with cow shit.
Same here! You could ride with us.
Us? You're with him?
Ernie? Oh, he's okay. Have you ever heard of an idiot savant?
- Sure.
- That's Ernie. Except for the savant part.
Yeah, well, one thing's for sure.
That Coogin guy sure is an asshole, huh?
I'll say! What a total piece of shit.
I mean, don't you think so, Josh?
Well, he's got a few problems.
And what a lousy actor! I mean, can you believe like "Ghost Dude" crap?
Come on, with a script that bad, he deserves
an Oscar for coming off as good as he did!
- Well, he's no Christian Slater.
- Slater?!
No, come on! I could act circles around that one-note hack!
And you think Slater could improv like this, huh?!
Damn it!
So, Julie, do you like Swedish films?
You don't even want to hear the truth
about Zygrot-24, do you, Coogin?
I mean, look, I'm not saying this stuff
is going to turn anyone in some kind of...
Huminwerm?
Exatcly, a human worm. I mean, that's just absurd.
- The point is that this product...
- Dawg Boy?
Yes, or a dog boy. That's stupid.
- The point this is very dan...
- Hideous Frawgman?
Okay. Now you're just being silly.
Human suffering's just a big joke to you, isn't it, Coogin?
- What?
- You are so sick.
Cool! A freak show! Let's check it out!
Kind of like a family reunion for you, huh?
Lighten up, Coog, could be a goof.
Freekz
Freekz is a registered trademark of Elijah C. Skuggs Enterprises. Any
unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited without prior written consent.
Freekland
Welcome to Freekland. Home of nature's
most repulsive mistakes.
Don't forget to visit our snack-bar.
And, please, no spitting.
Isn't it great?
It is so... real.
Real stupid.
- Let's go, Ernie. This place is dead.
- Yeah. Where are all the weirdos?
There are no weirdos here!
Mutants? Yes.
Genetic nightmares? Definitely.
Children of Hell and twisted masses
of living, breathing tormented flesh?
Certainly.
But as for weirdos...
not a one.
Unless of course... you count me.
Nah, you seem like a regular dumbshit old redneck to me.
- I'm Julie. And you are...
- I'm Elijah C. Skuggs,
proud proprietor of Skugg's Fabulous Freak Land and Mutant Emporium.
But you already knew that. After all,
you've ventured miles away from civilization,
hospitals, telephones, polcia.
- How may I help you?
- Drop dead.
We would love to see your freak show.
You see, you have built a monument to
the variety and... innovation of nature.
It reminds us to respect the fragile and complexity of our global ecosystem.
And you come to me looking for weirdos?
Hey. Hey!
- Hello.
- Mr. Toad is... my assistant.
As for the show, I'm afraid the next parade
of deformity isn't until tomorrow evening.
However! I do have a private exhibit in my shed...
you might be interested. I don't usually share it with the general public
Well, we're deeply honored. But... no thanks.
Yeah. We really must be... Alright.
I've used to blow up toads with firecrackers, pal! So watch it!
The sideshow tradition has been
completely misrepresented by the media.
I mean, you don't traffic in human misery.
You show society the part of itself it doesn't want to look at.
Yeah, it is.
Who the hell, huh? We'll see some pickled dog brains.
Maybe some pictures of women with,
you know, added equipment, huh? Huh?
Why not?
I just love "Family Circus".
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?
How do they do it? They do use the
same joke over and over again.
I'm just a sucker for that little moffet's shenanigans, that's all.
Perhaps I should tell you a little more about what I do.
You see, I not only exhibit freaks.
I make them.
Just like Michelangelo saw the angel in the stone,
I look can at a guy like Kevin Costner...
and see a giant peach grub who can fart the Blue Danube..
Behold! The Tasty Freekz machine!
My God! He's using Zygrot-24!
Hey! You're not supposed to have that stuff!
Oh? Well, I guess I'm not supposed to have these either!
Who wants to get freaked first?
Ladies first.
- Go screw yourself!
- If I were you, I would!
Oh, God!
What are we gonna with these two? Let's see.
Inaudible to me
Do we make them deformed? Michael Jackson...
It's like Yin and Yang... AC/DC...
two birds with one stone...
Yeah, it's pretty darn good, really...
Let 'er rip, Toad!
Wait a second. You're really gonna smear
that stuff on us and mutate our body parts!?
- Correct.
- Well... then could you give me a really big rodney?
I'm a mad scientist pal, not a miracle worker.
Gumby, put that thing away!
Feast your eyes!
Oh well, at least I'll never have to go far for a piece of tail.
Pig!
Toad, take them to their quarters.
A mere party trick.
But you, you're gonna be... special.
- Hello?
- Laughing Man? This is Red Swan.
Fine, thank you. And you?
Listen, I have created the ultimate freak, sort of.
Yes. Well, see, that's just he's not quite... finished.
I'm gonna need some more that... Zygrot-24.
Could you... spell it?
Got it.
Yes. Well, you... you take it easy too.
Asshole.
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.
Time to meet and greet the brand new you.
- Oh God! This was my good side!
- Still is, if you ask me.
Hell. Wait 'til you see what I've
planned for the other side.
Welcome to your spacious accommodation.
- Great use of the space.
- Yeah! Yeah. I learned it all from Bob Vila.
You know, you could expose this rustic beams
and put in a skylight over just one weekend, Elijah.
Give it a rest, Bob.
One of these days I gotta put a shitter in there.
No problem, Elijah. It is all right here in
my new book "Bedrooms and Bathrooms ".
In fact, if take this one...
- Ernie? Julie?
- Over here, Coog.
- Are you alright?
- Oh, I know that voice.
That's the voice that said, "Cool, a freak show. Let's check it out "
Oh sure. Blame the woman. Typical.
"It's so real." Is this real enough for you? I'm friggin' Quasimodo!
Lighten up, Coog.
You're talking to the original tag team of ugly pukes here. Look at this outfit.
- Come on. Step into the light.
- Okay, here I come.
Oh geez... Well, it's not so revolting.
I mean, after all, physical beauty is a mere socially-enforced myth that...
Oh, shit!
Yeah? Well, you're no Mona Lisas yourself.
You're lucky I've got a strong stomach!
And you're lucky I don't BITE you!
- Get away from me you, you...
- Freak?
I am Ortiz, the Dog Boy. Leader of the freaks.
Kind of like "top dog."
Welcome to Hell, Rick. Shake?
No thanks. I don't plan on staying long.
How many of you are there in here anyway?
First, I have a question for you, Ricardo.
- Who starred in the film "Exorcist II: The Heretic"?
- Ha?
Well, perhaps we should ask the Worm!
Tell us, Worm. Who is starred in
the "Exorcist II: The Heretic"?
- Olivia Newton-John.
- Olivia Newton-John.
- Rick, you agree or disagree?
- This is nuts. This is crazy.
- Besides, it was Linda Blair.
- Very good. It was Linda Blair.
Circle gets the square.
That's cool. That's cool.
Okay, JulieErnie. Who's it going to be?
Nosey the Nose Man!
What?
- Cowboy!
- Howdy.
The Bearded Lady!
How ya' doin.
- Sockhead!
- Hi! Hi.
- The Eternal flame!
- Fire in the hole.
Rosie the Pinhead!
The hideous Frog Man!
And of course, in the center square, Mr. Paul Lynde!
Who will it be?
Call me old-fashioned, but I'll go with Paul Lynde.
- Don't be an idiot.
- It's funny.
You see, Rick? Just because we're freaks
doesn't mean we can't have some fun, huh?
Get away from me. Get away!
I'm not like you. You hear me? I'm Ricky Coogin! I AM NOT A FREAK!
FREAK! FREAK!
Poor kid.
Well, sucks.
Wonder if they still castin' Gremlins 3.
I'll call my agent in the morning.
Look, Rick. All the freaks have gone through this anguish.
At first, I was blinded by my anger. I admit that.
I wanted to break your neck for getting me into this. But... I got over it.
Ortiz taught me to channel my anger for the common good.
You wanted to see the freak show.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!
Ernie!
Sorry, Coog. For a second, I was a total man-hater.
Here. Take it.
"So You're a Hideous Mutant Freak Now What?"
I don't need this. I'm not like those other god-forsaken animals.
You're mistaken, Rick. You are exactly like us.
We were all normal healthy folk before we made the fateful mistake...
of coming to this hell hole at an off hour.
When I first came here, I was a professor of lacrophylogy.
The study of worms, of course.
I was on the trail of the fat
pudgy worm.
Mr. Skuggs said he had just such a worm in his shed.
How could I've possibly surmised that the specimen
and myself should ultimately prove to be one and the same?
At first, the transformation was fabulous.
I truly understood the worm's ethos like never before.
But those early days of fascination are over.
Now, in retrospect, I think the whole thing is a fucking headache.
I'd sell my soul just to be able to wipe my own ass.
I first came here as a tourist. Looking for some fun.
Nice place.
Then Elijah turned me into a sock.
I'm sorry. I'm... I'm not much for stories.
When I first arrived here, I was nothing like I am now.
I was confused a walking contradiction, so full of questions.
You know, you'd be better off without a dick.
Hey, you can keep the beard.
Hallelujah.
But now I know who I am.
I can say it the world:
"Hey. This is me. I'm a woman. And I like me."
Damn, this rough
You're one of us now, Rick. Whether you admit it or not.
It's irrefutable.
- Hey, mind your business.
- Sorry, sorry.
Ortiz, Ortiz, that's me. That's me,
Ortiz.
Ortiz! Ortiz! You're on me. Oh! Oh!
I'm not gonna cleaning this up. Ortiz, God damn!
Well that EES guy should rescue me any minute.
Then it's back to sunny old L.A and straight to the plastic surgeon.
I wonder how many of my anatomically
correct girlfriends will be waiting for me.
- I'll be waiting for you, Rick!.
- Thanks, Stuey.
Ah! It's a troll!
Get away! Go home. What are you doing here?
Seeing phantom trolls, Rick?
No.
Sounds to me like you've developed a telepathic bond.
Don't mean yer nuts or nuthin'.
Heck, old Nosey, why he can smell the future.
Lots of us freaks got E.S.P. And Sockhead, he's got E.S.P.N.
Watch out, Hulk! He's gonna try the skull cracker!
Shucks, Rick, you're lucky.
Telepathy like yours only occurs between real soulmates.
A bond like that should be cherished.
Wow! I'm Ricky Coogin's soulmate!
In your dreams! Now get lost, troll!
Wait'll I tell the kids at school!
Shucks Rick, it don't make sense to spurn your soulmate.
I reckon that troll could help you if you just let him into your heart.
Once America sees what happened to Ricky,
they'll probably send the whole FBI down to save him!
I'll probably win a Pulitzer prize for this scoop. And I'll dedicate it to Rick!
Of course I'll print it! America needs to know!
Burt! Give mister Gluck his fee and show him out.
That's okay. I know the way out.
"Freaky Deaky! Ricky Coogin's a mutant in South America!
By Stuart S. Gluck." That's me!
No. You've got it all wrong. I don't know anything about that.
You gotta believe me.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready
for the glamour! Get ready for the glitz!
Get ready to be pelted with rotten vegetables,
'cause it's showtime!
I bet you weigh about a... 107.
One, two, three ...
What's keeping those damn EES guys?
Something's troubling you, my boy. What is it?
Take a wild guess.
Oh. I think I know what you're going through.
You see, I too had an eating disorder.
Quiet, please.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight
you are about to wonder a cavalcade of atrocities so horrific,
I advise the more sensitive members of our audience
to leave the premises at this time.
Tonight, I'm proud to announce
several new and original monstrosities,
including our star attraction, the Beast Boy.
But first, a perennial favorite here at Freekland,
Sit back and snuggle up,
for the musical stylings of Rosie the Pinhead!
Sings out dear. From the
diaphragm.
Hey, Julie, how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many?
Two. One to screw it in and one to ride my Rodney! Ha-ha-ha!
Oaf!
If your coloring is in the autumn range, like Maria's,
I would suggest you try an earth tone eye makeup.
As you can see, I've done a lovely French braid on Maria,
but I encourage everyone to experiment and use your imagination.
The main thing is to just have fun with it.
Yeah! Check this out! Ha!
What?!
Hey!
Piece of...
BREAKFAST, LUNCH, OR DINNER,
IT'S SUCH A TASTY MEAL
WE DO THE WEINERSCHNITZEL POLKA
BECAUSE WE LOVE TO EAT FRIED VEAL
HEY! HEY! HEY!
Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you! You are a great
audience.
- Hey! He's got a hand under there!
- It's a hoax!
Bite me!
Puppeteering is an admirable skill in its own right!
Give him his due!
Beast Boy! Beast Boy!
He'll be out here in a moment!
And when I won first prize, they never called me pudding-head again.
- So?
- Don't you see?
You must turn your hardship into inspiration!
You're an actor, Rick! Your body is your instrument.
And with it you must play your tragic symphony for all the world!
They're going nuts for you, Beast Boy.
You better go out there now.
I'll be right there.
Thank you, Worm. I don't really know how I can repay you for this.
You could wipe my ass.
What a comedian.
Nosey, have I ever told you what a gifted artist you are?
Now is the winter of our discontent.
Made glorious summer by the sun of York.
I didn't write that shit. Where is that
crap?
But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
If you're having trouble understanding
Mr. Coogin's brilliant reading of this soliloquy from Richard the Third,
Deformed, sent before my time
Into this breathing world, scarse half made up,
Why I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Thank you.
Beautiful!
- Thank You. Thank you.
- They seemed to like it.
Oh my god.
Yes!
Thank God for EES!
Yeah, yeah, Rick. Look, I really love this
new look you got going for yourself.
It's fresh, and hip, and kids will love it,
but back in EES, I don't think that
big boys upstairs gonna get it.
- What are you saying?
- Well, Rick, what I'm trying to say is that...
Well... You're ugly enough to burn the nose hairs off a dead nun.
WHAT A PUTZ!
Eat shit!
Rick, now you're just being childish.
Run for your lives!
What's the metter? Afraid
of a little rough scuffle?
Welcome to show business, morons!
You're going to hell!
Now that's entertainment.
And now it's time to play
Damn lock!
That's against the law.
Psst! Hey, you. Milkman!
- Me?
- Yeah, you. I got something to show you.
Come around to this little trap door.
What is it?
I just laid a turd that is
spitting image of Kim Basinger.
Boy! If I had a dime for everytime I heard that...
- She's naked too.
- Really?
This I gotta see.
Argh! It's just a regular turd. Kinda like Winona Ryder, but...
Shit!
Damn eyes!
Damn lock!
The club!
What the hell?!
Stop! In a name of Haile Selassie. Don't move, milkman.
Good work, Eye and Eye.
Rastafar-eye.
Now sand the Beast Boy to my, uh, den.
You will never go out.
- Diet soda?
- No, thanks.
- Fiddle Faddle?
- Alright.
Delicious!
So. Aren't you gonna kill me or something?
Sure, it'd be fun, but the Boy-Beast is a hit.
Look, Elijah, I've been in show business all my life.
The public does not want to see disgusting, depraved, violent filth.
Oh, and I suppose Jake and the Fatman is just a fluke?
'Yello?
Listen, I'm all set to roll here.
You got it.
Yeap.
Ciao to you too.
Jolly son of a bitch.
We'll see who has the last laugh, you jerkoff.
Alright, Coogin, listen up.
You're gonna be a hideous killing machine.
Tomorrow night I'm gonna finish the job onstage!
And you're gonna slaughter all the old freaks.
And from their ashes, you'll arise...
like the mighty Phoenix, only lot uglier.
And then the whole world will... Hey!
I told you enough!
So Elijah was going to send you to Phoenix?
No, he was talking about a huge bird.
The mystical creature? It's just a
metaphor.
Oh.
The point is Elijah wanted to turn me to
a bloodthirsty monster...
to have me kill all my fellow freaks.
But what he didn't know is that I
left his den with an important clue.
Look, another milkman.
- Hey, Rick, could you come up with your own escape plan?
- Yeah.
You gotta be kidding me. A dozen milkmen? Isn't that a little unusual?
- Twelve milkmen is theoretically possible.
- Yeah.
Thirteen is silly.
Looks like one milkman too many, Coogin.
- Freaks!
- Fine then. Go ahead.
Hope you like reggae, ya flea-bitten bastard.
Be very quiet.
Shit!
Look, you'll all be killed.
You don't know about Elijah's giant Rasta eyeballs with machine guns.
Oh boy. He's go off the deep end.
It's suicide! I can't let you do it.
And I can't let you stop us.
Come on, Ortiz. Come on, you little pansy.
Be careful, he's a rabid! He's a rabid dog.
Stick and move! Stick and move!
Really slick. You could really pool his eyes out.
Kill him! Sorry.
That's a lot of milkmen on the same route.
No wonder they fight.
Come on!
Squirrel!
Rastafar-eye!
Shit! Two giant Rasta eyeballs, just like Rick said.
Gosh, if it wasn't for Rick, we'd all be dead!
- Hey-hey! Thanks!
- Rick is good! Alright!
Come on. You heard the Beast Boy. Back to the Freak House.
Yeah!
How!
All I wanted was a hug.
Maybe I was wrong about you, Coogin.
Not again!
Oh well, at least we'll get to try a new position.
It says it's strong enough for a man!
- But it's made for a woman!
- Give me!
- Hey.
- Rick. What's up?
Read this. I grabbed it from Skuggs' den.
"Buy more Fiddle Faddle. Tape Donahue.
Renew Subscription to Beaver World."
Beaver World? Let me see that.
After that.
"Prepare demonstration for Laughing Man,
receive five thousand barrels of Zygrot-24!?"
Elijah's up to something big. We have to stop him.
We're done for! We're done for!
I don't want to die! It's the end of the world! The apocalypse! Aahh!
I haven't said anything yet.
Sorry. I'm not much for timing.
Look, tomorrow night, at the show, I'll
be turned into an evil superfreak.
And forced to kill you all.
But we might have a chance if we act fast.
And I'm prepared to be your new leader.
I say we kill him.
And I've got a plan.
I still say we kill him.
If we can get into Elijah's lab, maybe we can...
Of course! Design a code to turn you to good super freak...
and program it to make you destroy Elijah instead of us!
Brilliant!
- Oh. Well... Actually I was...
- How do we get to the lab?
Right! The worm could dig a tunnel!
By God, it's so crazy it might just work!
But you need Zygrot-24 to make the freak-sludge,
and Elijah told us himself he's run out of it.
- Oh, yeah... Or if we just...
- Yes, exactly!
If they've been using Zygrot-24 as a fertilizer ban,
the entire ecosystem must be soaked with it!
All we need is a way to extract it from
the vegetation, ideally into a liquid form.
- Right.
- Golly!
So that's why my milk comes out that weird blue color!
I thought the grass tasted funny!
Wow, Rick. You're a genius.
- Good thinking, Rick.
- Yeah!
That's cool, Rick. Tell me, how did you ever think of such a plan?
Well, actually, I was going to suggest we send away for sea monkeys.
Train them to fire guns, and make a break for it.
But if you... if want to go with this super good freak thing, I...
I guess that's okay.
Freekz! That's What They Call Us!
Hey! Turn off that goddamn music!
Soooryyy!
What a jerk!
I hate it when you do that.
- Hey, look at this.
- What?
Good Lord! It's the Lost City of Nodd!
It's Old Faithful!
Is my aunt Gertie and my uncle Sid.
- It's my Bar Mitzvah.
- C'mon Ernie, let's go.
Wait. Wait. You gotta see that one where rabbi laughed
so hard that noodle pudding came out his nose. It was...
Stooge!
Nice digging, Worm.
Back off, okay? I got a real shot fuse today.
I'm cranky, I'm bloated, and I got a
wicked case of cramps. Don't ask why.
PMS?
Gotcha, freaks!
Ha, fool you! Didn't know I did impressions, did ya?
Hey, guys. Mission accomplished.
They've got the Zygrot-24 and broke in through the lab.
No! Can't you see? We're digging our own grave!
It's nuts, that's what it is! Nuts!
Well, maybe you've all got a deathwish,
but you can count me out!
I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Nobody move. Nobody get hurt.
OUT OF MY WAY!
That sock full'a holes, mon.
What a mess.
I... I just wanted to say...
What is it, kid?
Ah, forget it. I'm not much for dying.
He's better off this way. It's a blessing.
I've hacked the Elijah's super-freak program.
My god, it's complex.
OK, guys. We got a job to do.
Let's do it and keep quiet, okay?
Oops.
Now, look. From now on, no more screw-ups, okay?
Styrofoam cup?
Here it comes. It's working.
Somebody's coming.
It's plugged up!
If it's your fault, I'll wring your wormy neck.
Preposterous... I have no neck. I'm a worm, imbecile.
Aaargh! Damn... buttered popcorn.
The tunnel walls are about to collapse!
You go ahead. I'll catch up.
- Rick!
- Go!
- Yeah, go. I'll stay here with Rick.
- C'mon.
Bad for the environment.
I think I see him. I see him.
Come on, Rick.
Just made it!
Okay, everybody, listen up.
Now, we cracked the code and made the ointment we need...
to bring Skuggs down for good.
- Finally!
- But I... I left it in the lab.
Wait! Wait! But wait!
I found some macaroons! And there's plenty for all of us!
I hate macaroons.
EES is in bed with Elijah C. Skuggs.
Damn!
Nice to see you in the flesh, Laughing Man.
I think we can dispense with the
codenames, Elijah. We're all friends here.
And to prove it, we brought you a little present.
- Rick? Is that you?
- Who's the troll?
He was asking questions about Coogin, causing trouble.
We figured he was one of yours.
Well I make freaks alright, but...
come on, fellas, this thing's pathetic.
Well you're no Julio Iglesias yourself, mister!
Rick!
Oh, no! Not now, Stuey!
Hey, where are you?
I'm in the lab! I'm in the lab! I'm in the lab!
Not only ugly, he's crazy too.
Toad. Get away.
Gentlemen, I'm not going to bullshit you.
I know my setup here at Freakland looks like small potatoes.
But thanks to your Zygrot-24 and my genius,
tonight I will turn Ricky Coogin into a freak so hideous,
it'll be enough to make your stomach turn inside out.
He'll boil your brain in its own juices,
and cause cold sores you thought had
healed up to start buggin' you again.
It's the dawning of a new age. A new beginning.
Behold...
Super Mega Freak World!
It's really somethin', huh?
Very impressive.
We'll kick Disney's dead ass!
Stuey! Stuey, can you hear me?
I want you to try and escape.
Earn me the can on the floor near the blast burnished.
I like your spirit, Skuggs. But
Disney, c'mon!
- I like "Bambi".
- "Bambi" is suck.
What about part where mother get shot?
- Yeah. Yeah, I liked that part.
- I like it too.
We here a EES have plans for your
Gene Machine and include everything.
Well, everything except shoes, of course.
Well, I'd love to see your plans.
I'd love to show it to you.
Bill, would you do the honors?
What does today's businessman want?
Well...
How about a receptionist with six arms,
three mouths, and a knockout figure?
That would sure speed things up. Or job at the factory?
How do we fight the rising problem of
sagging productivity from lazy workers?
How about a worker with twelve
busy hands, no mouth to talk back,
no genitalia or gastrointestinal system
to distract him from his work?
Sure! It's what we all dream about, isn't it?
Well, with this Skuggs-based Zygrot technology,
these thing are not only possible,
they are only the beginning.
We are poised on the edge of a new
frontier, limited only by our imagination.
Of course, what happened to our expensive spokesman Ricky Coogin
was an unfortunate coincidence.
On the other hand, profits from these new markets could total in the billions.
Ricky who?
Hey! Hold on!
Secretaries? Worker drones? Where's the fun? Where's the spark?
Where's the unspeakable evil?
I was just getting to that.
We're gonna impact every field.
Cosmetics, military, household pets.
And why should we stop at consumer products?
Hell, we can design awhole new consumer!
A few well placed drops in the water supply, and bingo!
It's a whole new master race, and we own the copyright!
- This guy is good.
- We lured him away from Pepsi.
Right here! Right now!
We are building a better tomorrow for
those who uphold the vision of EES!
Bill, if I can just add one thing.
Those who dare oppose us, will stand
knee deep in the blood of their children.
And now the moment you've all been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen.
The Beast Boy!
Rick!
- Over here, Rick.
- Where?
With this remarkable ointment of my own design,
I'm going to transform this half-finished ghoul...
into the ultimate stomach-turning super freak, dedicated to evil!
Here I am, Rick.
Goddammit, kid! Would you sit down!?
- Oh, no!
- Oh, shit! Move down.
What the hell!?
You got a problem, mister?
YOUR ASS IS MINE, SKUGGS!
This kid looks pissed.
EYE AND EYE! KILL HIM!
Damn my eyes!
Toad!
Ooh, I'm shaking!
Shit!
Aaaah! I'm in a zoo!
Looks like it's time to bring out the big gun.
- Sayonara, kiddo.
- No!
Rick!
What a waste of twelve bucks.
Let's get the machine and go.
- Come on.
- Right now!
Wait. Wait. Could you sign this first?
Time to die, troll.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Let's go, dickhead!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Give him the skull cracker, ya big goon!
No way! The skull cracker is an illegal move!
Yeaah, I am the number one!
- I betting my bar-mitzvah money!
- Let's get this over with. Hey, Dick...
What the hell are you doing?
This machine is the property of the Everything Except Shoes Corporation.
- What?!
- Eat shit, yokel.
I knew I couldn't trust you corporate greaseballs!
Move is that thing!
Eat this, Dick.
Head for the hills before he gets all of us!
Boy, I haven't seen a stampede like this since the opening night of Ishtar!
NOW I RIP FREAKS TO PIECES!
Kill Nosey! You always hated Nosey!
Please! Rick, no! Rick, please!
Now that's a really big shoe.
Would you kill him, please?
Kill him! Kill him! KILL HIM!
- Then, just as I...
- Sorry to interrupt you, Rick...
but you've been talking for almost ninety minutes,
and we really have got to go to a commercial.
Oh, sorry.
You like cheese. You like being a man.
That's why you like...
Macheesemo. Real cheese for real men.
Now in a handy aluminum dispenser.
And now back to the exciting conclusion of Ricky Coogin's incredible story.
Let's see... It seemed like nothing could stop me
from shoving a spear through Stuey's skull.
- When all of a sudden, I heard a voice.
- No!
I reckon that troll could help you if you just let him into your heart...
your heart... your heart...
your heart... your heart...
I love you.
- You did it, Rick.
- Atta' boy Coog!
Tosh. Sentimental claptrap.
Beast-Boy, I gave you an order and you better obey it, damn it!
- It's over, Skuggs.
- You were nothing before I find you!
I made you. And I can break you!
You think I made you strong? Ha!
I've cranked my DNA up so high, you won't know what hit you.
I'm a wrecking machine!
I think you crushed my spinal cord.
- I can't feel anything in my fingers.
- Maybe you'll feel this.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
If you kill me, you'll never find the antidote.
What antidote?
A time release serum, I baked it into a delicious batch of macaroons.
- Macaroons?!
- Nice!
If you ask me, you skimped on the coconut!
Freeze, FBI!
Looks like they took care of Skuggs, chief.
Nice work, Ricky.
You'll get a medal from the Vice President for this.
Great. But how did you...
We've been following Skuggs for years.
Then when we saw Mr. Gluck's article, we know it's time to move.
So what's took you so long?
First there was a...
satan's child thing on page 3.
Then there was the case of the house
that dripped blood.
Look at that thing!
Holy shit!
That's can't be.
What the hell are you looking at?
Dead meat!
That's my story.
Oh, it's so exciting.
We fixed Coogin's light!
Oh, it's about time! Turn it on.
- That's better.
- I'll say.
How 'bout it, folks? Let's hear it for Ricky Coogin and his freaky friends!
Bearded Lady!
How ya doin'?
Rosie! The Eternal flame!
Lights out, baby!
Cowboy! Frog-Man! Nosey!
Boo! Get off! Get off!
And the Worm.
Ridiculous. Just because a man doesn't like macaroons.
Gotcha! Damn, it's about time!
Ortiz!
Hey, hermanos!
That's just great. What a story.
And what an ending!
Elijah transformed by the goop! And he actually looked like...
Exactly like you, Skye, I swear. Same face, same outfit.
Except he had these really big, hideous feet.
I'm gonna drink your blood!
Oh, Rick. It's finally over!
Yes... Yes it is.
Rick! Hey, Rick!
Stuey!
Oh, like that wasn't totally predictable.
- Well, now it really is over.
- Thank God.
You know, this whole thing has taught me something.
That when man starts impinging on the subtle perfection of the earth's natural order,
the only thing he'll create is havoc.
Right, Coog. I learned somethin' too.
That men and women truly are equals.
Human spirit transcends
gender and physical appearance.
And thus it is immune to the petty degradations men may devise.
- So true.
- I believe it was Moliere...
- Oh, shut up!
Good night, everybody!
Good night!
destroyed, you may return to your homes.
And now, back to the Skye Daley Show.
With the night special guest:
Ricky Coogin.
Ricky, after your hideous
disfigurement,
you're showing incredible courage by
agreeing finally show yourself in public.
Thanks.
America has watched you growing
up in television and in movies.
For years you were everyone's
favorite little brother in that
hit series, The Baker's Dozen.
AWW!
And, of course, as the star of
those hilarious Ghost Dude movies.
You've got the entire
country saying: "Boo, dude!"
Boo, dude!
But now, after your horrific ordeal,
the very mention of your name makes
children scream in terror.
Ricky Coogin...
the world is waiting to hear your
story.
Well, it's kinda long, but... O.K.
It all started when I was approached to be spokesman...
for a multinational corporation called EES.
- Oh, the Everything Except Shoes people.
- Right.
I was at their headquarters
to meet the chairman and the board of directors.
They wanted to send me to South
America,
to promote a controversial fertilizer called Zygrot-24.
You are the only one who can stand up
to this radicals, who trying to keep...
Zygrot-24 from the struggling farmers
whose very future depends on it.
- Wasn't that stuff banned?
- Only in the US...
and Europe.
- I've heard that shit is lethal.
- Alright, you need proof.
Fine. Please, sit down.
I would like you to meet the head of
our South American research facility
senor Juan Valdez.
My name is Jorge Ramirez.
Whatever. He's been working with
Zygrot-24 every day for the last 5 years.
And look at him. He's in fine shape.
Aren't you...
Juan?
Yes, I'm fine.
I want you know that Me and my team
in Santa Flan...
Santa Flan?! What kinda shitty name for a country is that?
It is named for the Patron Saint
of creamy desserts.
As I was saying, we have worked
very closely with Zygrot-24.
I have personally supervised its development.
No potential danger was
left uninvestigated.
The environmentalists are crackfucks!
All of them!
It's ridiculous, I tell you. Totally ridiculous!
Thank You, Valdez. That'll be all.
- Hey, wait a min...
- Ricky, this is important.
We're talking about a major threat to the EES image.
How does two million dollars plus expenses sound?
Dick, two million. Sounds great.
- But...
- I hear you.
Let's make it five million.
That is, if the board agrees.
Gentlemen, all those in favor?
Good. It's unanimous.
Well, Ricky, that you say? Are you
EES's man in Santa Flan?
So the deal was done.
I was Ricky Coogin toxic chemicals
salesman.
Me and my buddy Ernie hopped on
the next plane to Santa Flan.
- Oh, did show movie?
- Return to the Blue Lagoon.
Oh, I heard that sucked.
Where the hell is Ernie?
Ladies, all wanted was a manicure.
Hey, I'm kidding. What is that, gravy?
Where did you get that?
I don't know, Coog. It started as a pimp,
and that I scratched it.
Can I get you dear two gentlemen a pillow or a blanket?
Yes, please.
- Is that your luggage up there?
- Yeah.
- Is that your ugly little troll?
- Stuey Gluck!
Rick!
Look, I got rare still from your
first season on The Baker's Dozen!
Could you sigh it for me? Please!
Baker's Dozen. I liked the
mom on that show.
- I porked her.
- Cool.
Rick, it says here Zygrot-24 is dangerous.
Why're you lending your name to
it, Rick?
You used to be good. But now...
I just don't know.
Don't cry, Stuey. Deep down, I'm still good.
YES!
May I take your bomb, sir?
aptain Benoway here. To the right of the aircraft,
you can see a terrific view of the Grand Canyon.
And to the left, you can see a
panic-stricken little troll.
- You gonna eat your peanuts, Ernie?
- Nah, you can have 'em.
Thanks.
Hey, I'm O.K.
Santa Flan International Airport
Here we are, Ernie. Santa Spam. World
famous for loud music and hot sex.
- It is?
- Just give me a few hours.
Sure glad that was not our plane.
EES mustn't stay!
Take your toxic crap away!
Jesus! We'd better find a limo right now,
before this whale-kissers will tear us apart...
I got a better idea.
If I can just find the right disguise.
Take this.
Ow! Give me back my crutches! You monster! Oh, it hurts!
Oh, God!
Are you O.K.?
- Let me help you.
- Thanks.
Don't worry about me. What's one man's pain...
weighed against the global injustice of corporate tyrants like EES?
Go. The fight must continue.
- Wow! My name is Julie.
- Josh. Josh Tavner.
Mother Teresa. Glad to meet you.
- Give me that, you ape.
- Ow!
Josh (- Yeah.), a busload of us are headed
over to Maracas to protest Zygrot-24...
and pelt Ricky Coogin with cow shit.
Same here! You could ride with us.
Us? You're with him?
Ernie? Oh, he's okay. Have you ever heard of an idiot savant?
- Sure.
- That's Ernie. Except for the savant part.
Yeah, well, one thing's for sure.
That Coogin guy sure is an asshole, huh?
I'll say! What a total piece of shit.
I mean, don't you think so, Josh?
Well, he's got a few problems.
And what a lousy actor! I mean, can you believe like "Ghost Dude" crap?
Come on, with a script that bad, he deserves
an Oscar for coming off as good as he did!
- Well, he's no Christian Slater.
- Slater?!
No, come on! I could act circles around that one-note hack!
And you think Slater could improv like this, huh?!
Damn it!
So, Julie, do you like Swedish films?
You don't even want to hear the truth
about Zygrot-24, do you, Coogin?
I mean, look, I'm not saying this stuff
is going to turn anyone in some kind of...
Huminwerm?
Exatcly, a human worm. I mean, that's just absurd.
- The point is that this product...
- Dawg Boy?
Yes, or a dog boy. That's stupid.
- The point this is very dan...
- Hideous Frawgman?
Okay. Now you're just being silly.
Human suffering's just a big joke to you, isn't it, Coogin?
- What?
- You are so sick.
Cool! A freak show! Let's check it out!
Kind of like a family reunion for you, huh?
Lighten up, Coog, could be a goof.
Freekz
Freekz is a registered trademark of Elijah C. Skuggs Enterprises. Any
unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited without prior written consent.
Freekland
Welcome to Freekland. Home of nature's
most repulsive mistakes.
Don't forget to visit our snack-bar.
And, please, no spitting.
Isn't it great?
It is so... real.
Real stupid.
- Let's go, Ernie. This place is dead.
- Yeah. Where are all the weirdos?
There are no weirdos here!
Mutants? Yes.
Genetic nightmares? Definitely.
Children of Hell and twisted masses
of living, breathing tormented flesh?
Certainly.
But as for weirdos...
not a one.
Unless of course... you count me.
Nah, you seem like a regular dumbshit old redneck to me.
- I'm Julie. And you are...
- I'm Elijah C. Skuggs,
proud proprietor of Skugg's Fabulous Freak Land and Mutant Emporium.
But you already knew that. After all,
you've ventured miles away from civilization,
hospitals, telephones, polcia.
- How may I help you?
- Drop dead.
We would love to see your freak show.
You see, you have built a monument to
the variety and... innovation of nature.
It reminds us to respect the fragile and complexity of our global ecosystem.
And you come to me looking for weirdos?
Hey. Hey!
- Hello.
- Mr. Toad is... my assistant.
As for the show, I'm afraid the next parade
of deformity isn't until tomorrow evening.
However! I do have a private exhibit in my shed...
you might be interested. I don't usually share it with the general public
Well, we're deeply honored. But... no thanks.
Yeah. We really must be... Alright.
I've used to blow up toads with firecrackers, pal! So watch it!
The sideshow tradition has been
completely misrepresented by the media.
I mean, you don't traffic in human misery.
You show society the part of itself it doesn't want to look at.
Yeah, it is.
Who the hell, huh? We'll see some pickled dog brains.
Maybe some pictures of women with,
you know, added equipment, huh? Huh?
Why not?
I just love "Family Circus".
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?
How do they do it? They do use the
same joke over and over again.
I'm just a sucker for that little moffet's shenanigans, that's all.
Perhaps I should tell you a little more about what I do.
You see, I not only exhibit freaks.
I make them.
Just like Michelangelo saw the angel in the stone,
I look can at a guy like Kevin Costner...
and see a giant peach grub who can fart the Blue Danube..
Behold! The Tasty Freekz machine!
My God! He's using Zygrot-24!
Hey! You're not supposed to have that stuff!
Oh? Well, I guess I'm not supposed to have these either!
Who wants to get freaked first?
Ladies first.
- Go screw yourself!
- If I were you, I would!
Oh, God!
What are we gonna with these two? Let's see.
Inaudible to me
Do we make them deformed? Michael Jackson...
It's like Yin and Yang... AC/DC...
two birds with one stone...
Yeah, it's pretty darn good, really...
Let 'er rip, Toad!
Wait a second. You're really gonna smear
that stuff on us and mutate our body parts!?
- Correct.
- Well... then could you give me a really big rodney?
I'm a mad scientist pal, not a miracle worker.
Gumby, put that thing away!
Feast your eyes!
Oh well, at least I'll never have to go far for a piece of tail.
Pig!
Toad, take them to their quarters.
A mere party trick.
But you, you're gonna be... special.
- Hello?
- Laughing Man? This is Red Swan.
Fine, thank you. And you?
Listen, I have created the ultimate freak, sort of.
Yes. Well, see, that's just he's not quite... finished.
I'm gonna need some more that... Zygrot-24.
Could you... spell it?
Got it.
Yes. Well, you... you take it easy too.
Asshole.
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.
Time to meet and greet the brand new you.
- Oh God! This was my good side!
- Still is, if you ask me.
Hell. Wait 'til you see what I've
planned for the other side.
Welcome to your spacious accommodation.
- Great use of the space.
- Yeah! Yeah. I learned it all from Bob Vila.
You know, you could expose this rustic beams
and put in a skylight over just one weekend, Elijah.
Give it a rest, Bob.
One of these days I gotta put a shitter in there.
No problem, Elijah. It is all right here in
my new book "Bedrooms and Bathrooms ".
In fact, if take this one...
- Ernie? Julie?
- Over here, Coog.
- Are you alright?
- Oh, I know that voice.
That's the voice that said, "Cool, a freak show. Let's check it out "
Oh sure. Blame the woman. Typical.
"It's so real." Is this real enough for you? I'm friggin' Quasimodo!
Lighten up, Coog.
You're talking to the original tag team of ugly pukes here. Look at this outfit.
- Come on. Step into the light.
- Okay, here I come.
Oh geez... Well, it's not so revolting.
I mean, after all, physical beauty is a mere socially-enforced myth that...
Oh, shit!
Yeah? Well, you're no Mona Lisas yourself.
You're lucky I've got a strong stomach!
And you're lucky I don't BITE you!
- Get away from me you, you...
- Freak?
I am Ortiz, the Dog Boy. Leader of the freaks.
Kind of like "top dog."
Welcome to Hell, Rick. Shake?
No thanks. I don't plan on staying long.
How many of you are there in here anyway?
First, I have a question for you, Ricardo.
- Who starred in the film "Exorcist II: The Heretic"?
- Ha?
Well, perhaps we should ask the Worm!
Tell us, Worm. Who is starred in
the "Exorcist II: The Heretic"?
- Olivia Newton-John.
- Olivia Newton-John.
- Rick, you agree or disagree?
- This is nuts. This is crazy.
- Besides, it was Linda Blair.
- Very good. It was Linda Blair.
Circle gets the square.
That's cool. That's cool.
Okay, JulieErnie. Who's it going to be?
Nosey the Nose Man!
What?
- Cowboy!
- Howdy.
The Bearded Lady!
How ya' doin.
- Sockhead!
- Hi! Hi.
- The Eternal flame!
- Fire in the hole.
Rosie the Pinhead!
The hideous Frog Man!
And of course, in the center square, Mr. Paul Lynde!
Who will it be?
Call me old-fashioned, but I'll go with Paul Lynde.
- Don't be an idiot.
- It's funny.
You see, Rick? Just because we're freaks
doesn't mean we can't have some fun, huh?
Get away from me. Get away!
I'm not like you. You hear me? I'm Ricky Coogin! I AM NOT A FREAK!
FREAK! FREAK!
Poor kid.
Well, sucks.
Wonder if they still castin' Gremlins 3.
I'll call my agent in the morning.
Look, Rick. All the freaks have gone through this anguish.
At first, I was blinded by my anger. I admit that.
I wanted to break your neck for getting me into this. But... I got over it.
Ortiz taught me to channel my anger for the common good.
You wanted to see the freak show.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!
Ernie!
Sorry, Coog. For a second, I was a total man-hater.
Here. Take it.
"So You're a Hideous Mutant Freak Now What?"
I don't need this. I'm not like those other god-forsaken animals.
You're mistaken, Rick. You are exactly like us.
We were all normal healthy folk before we made the fateful mistake...
of coming to this hell hole at an off hour.
When I first came here, I was a professor of lacrophylogy.
The study of worms, of course.
I was on the trail of the fat
pudgy worm.
Mr. Skuggs said he had just such a worm in his shed.
How could I've possibly surmised that the specimen
and myself should ultimately prove to be one and the same?
At first, the transformation was fabulous.
I truly understood the worm's ethos like never before.
But those early days of fascination are over.
Now, in retrospect, I think the whole thing is a fucking headache.
I'd sell my soul just to be able to wipe my own ass.
I first came here as a tourist. Looking for some fun.
Nice place.
Then Elijah turned me into a sock.
I'm sorry. I'm... I'm not much for stories.
When I first arrived here, I was nothing like I am now.
I was confused a walking contradiction, so full of questions.
You know, you'd be better off without a dick.
Hey, you can keep the beard.
Hallelujah.
But now I know who I am.
I can say it the world:
"Hey. This is me. I'm a woman. And I like me."
Damn, this rough
You're one of us now, Rick. Whether you admit it or not.
It's irrefutable.
- Hey, mind your business.
- Sorry, sorry.
Ortiz, Ortiz, that's me. That's me,
Ortiz.
Ortiz! Ortiz! You're on me. Oh! Oh!
I'm not gonna cleaning this up. Ortiz, God damn!
Well that EES guy should rescue me any minute.
Then it's back to sunny old L.A and straight to the plastic surgeon.
I wonder how many of my anatomically
correct girlfriends will be waiting for me.
- I'll be waiting for you, Rick!.
- Thanks, Stuey.
Ah! It's a troll!
Get away! Go home. What are you doing here?
Seeing phantom trolls, Rick?
No.
Sounds to me like you've developed a telepathic bond.
Don't mean yer nuts or nuthin'.
Heck, old Nosey, why he can smell the future.
Lots of us freaks got E.S.P. And Sockhead, he's got E.S.P.N.
Watch out, Hulk! He's gonna try the skull cracker!
Shucks, Rick, you're lucky.
Telepathy like yours only occurs between real soulmates.
A bond like that should be cherished.
Wow! I'm Ricky Coogin's soulmate!
In your dreams! Now get lost, troll!
Wait'll I tell the kids at school!
Shucks Rick, it don't make sense to spurn your soulmate.
I reckon that troll could help you if you just let him into your heart.
Once America sees what happened to Ricky,
they'll probably send the whole FBI down to save him!
I'll probably win a Pulitzer prize for this scoop. And I'll dedicate it to Rick!
Of course I'll print it! America needs to know!
Burt! Give mister Gluck his fee and show him out.
That's okay. I know the way out.
"Freaky Deaky! Ricky Coogin's a mutant in South America!
By Stuart S. Gluck." That's me!
No. You've got it all wrong. I don't know anything about that.
You gotta believe me.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready
for the glamour! Get ready for the glitz!
Get ready to be pelted with rotten vegetables,
'cause it's showtime!
I bet you weigh about a... 107.
One, two, three ...
What's keeping those damn EES guys?
Something's troubling you, my boy. What is it?
Take a wild guess.
Oh. I think I know what you're going through.
You see, I too had an eating disorder.
Quiet, please.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight
you are about to wonder a cavalcade of atrocities so horrific,
I advise the more sensitive members of our audience
to leave the premises at this time.
Tonight, I'm proud to announce
several new and original monstrosities,
including our star attraction, the Beast Boy.
But first, a perennial favorite here at Freekland,
Sit back and snuggle up,
for the musical stylings of Rosie the Pinhead!
Sings out dear. From the
diaphragm.
Hey, Julie, how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many?
Two. One to screw it in and one to ride my Rodney! Ha-ha-ha!
Oaf!
If your coloring is in the autumn range, like Maria's,
I would suggest you try an earth tone eye makeup.
As you can see, I've done a lovely French braid on Maria,
but I encourage everyone to experiment and use your imagination.
The main thing is to just have fun with it.
Yeah! Check this out! Ha!
What?!
Hey!
Piece of...
BREAKFAST, LUNCH, OR DINNER,
IT'S SUCH A TASTY MEAL
WE DO THE WEINERSCHNITZEL POLKA
BECAUSE WE LOVE TO EAT FRIED VEAL
HEY! HEY! HEY!
Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you! You are a great
audience.
- Hey! He's got a hand under there!
- It's a hoax!
Bite me!
Puppeteering is an admirable skill in its own right!
Give him his due!
Beast Boy! Beast Boy!
He'll be out here in a moment!
And when I won first prize, they never called me pudding-head again.
- So?
- Don't you see?
You must turn your hardship into inspiration!
You're an actor, Rick! Your body is your instrument.
And with it you must play your tragic symphony for all the world!
They're going nuts for you, Beast Boy.
You better go out there now.
I'll be right there.
Thank you, Worm. I don't really know how I can repay you for this.
You could wipe my ass.
What a comedian.
Nosey, have I ever told you what a gifted artist you are?
Now is the winter of our discontent.
Made glorious summer by the sun of York.
I didn't write that shit. Where is that
crap?
But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
If you're having trouble understanding
Mr. Coogin's brilliant reading of this soliloquy from Richard the Third,
Deformed, sent before my time
Into this breathing world, scarse half made up,
Why I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Thank you.
Beautiful!
- Thank You. Thank you.
- They seemed to like it.
Oh my god.
Yes!
Thank God for EES!
Yeah, yeah, Rick. Look, I really love this
new look you got going for yourself.
It's fresh, and hip, and kids will love it,
but back in EES, I don't think that
big boys upstairs gonna get it.
- What are you saying?
- Well, Rick, what I'm trying to say is that...
Well... You're ugly enough to burn the nose hairs off a dead nun.
WHAT A PUTZ!
Eat shit!
Rick, now you're just being childish.
Run for your lives!
What's the metter? Afraid
of a little rough scuffle?
Welcome to show business, morons!
You're going to hell!
Now that's entertainment.
And now it's time to play
Damn lock!
That's against the law.
Psst! Hey, you. Milkman!
- Me?
- Yeah, you. I got something to show you.
Come around to this little trap door.
What is it?
I just laid a turd that is
spitting image of Kim Basinger.
Boy! If I had a dime for everytime I heard that...
- She's naked too.
- Really?
This I gotta see.
Argh! It's just a regular turd. Kinda like Winona Ryder, but...
Shit!
Damn eyes!
Damn lock!
The club!
What the hell?!
Stop! In a name of Haile Selassie. Don't move, milkman.
Good work, Eye and Eye.
Rastafar-eye.
Now sand the Beast Boy to my, uh, den.
You will never go out.
- Diet soda?
- No, thanks.
- Fiddle Faddle?
- Alright.
Delicious!
So. Aren't you gonna kill me or something?
Sure, it'd be fun, but the Boy-Beast is a hit.
Look, Elijah, I've been in show business all my life.
The public does not want to see disgusting, depraved, violent filth.
Oh, and I suppose Jake and the Fatman is just a fluke?
'Yello?
Listen, I'm all set to roll here.
You got it.
Yeap.
Ciao to you too.
Jolly son of a bitch.
We'll see who has the last laugh, you jerkoff.
Alright, Coogin, listen up.
You're gonna be a hideous killing machine.
Tomorrow night I'm gonna finish the job onstage!
And you're gonna slaughter all the old freaks.
And from their ashes, you'll arise...
like the mighty Phoenix, only lot uglier.
And then the whole world will... Hey!
I told you enough!
So Elijah was going to send you to Phoenix?
No, he was talking about a huge bird.
The mystical creature? It's just a
metaphor.
Oh.
The point is Elijah wanted to turn me to
a bloodthirsty monster...
to have me kill all my fellow freaks.
But what he didn't know is that I
left his den with an important clue.
Look, another milkman.
- Hey, Rick, could you come up with your own escape plan?
- Yeah.
You gotta be kidding me. A dozen milkmen? Isn't that a little unusual?
- Twelve milkmen is theoretically possible.
- Yeah.
Thirteen is silly.
Looks like one milkman too many, Coogin.
- Freaks!
- Fine then. Go ahead.
Hope you like reggae, ya flea-bitten bastard.
Be very quiet.
Shit!
Look, you'll all be killed.
You don't know about Elijah's giant Rasta eyeballs with machine guns.
Oh boy. He's go off the deep end.
It's suicide! I can't let you do it.
And I can't let you stop us.
Come on, Ortiz. Come on, you little pansy.
Be careful, he's a rabid! He's a rabid dog.
Stick and move! Stick and move!
Really slick. You could really pool his eyes out.
Kill him! Sorry.
That's a lot of milkmen on the same route.
No wonder they fight.
Come on!
Squirrel!
Rastafar-eye!
Shit! Two giant Rasta eyeballs, just like Rick said.
Gosh, if it wasn't for Rick, we'd all be dead!
- Hey-hey! Thanks!
- Rick is good! Alright!
Come on. You heard the Beast Boy. Back to the Freak House.
Yeah!
How!
All I wanted was a hug.
Maybe I was wrong about you, Coogin.
Not again!
Oh well, at least we'll get to try a new position.
It says it's strong enough for a man!
- But it's made for a woman!
- Give me!
- Hey.
- Rick. What's up?
Read this. I grabbed it from Skuggs' den.
"Buy more Fiddle Faddle. Tape Donahue.
Renew Subscription to Beaver World."
Beaver World? Let me see that.
After that.
"Prepare demonstration for Laughing Man,
receive five thousand barrels of Zygrot-24!?"
Elijah's up to something big. We have to stop him.
We're done for! We're done for!
I don't want to die! It's the end of the world! The apocalypse! Aahh!
I haven't said anything yet.
Sorry. I'm not much for timing.
Look, tomorrow night, at the show, I'll
be turned into an evil superfreak.
And forced to kill you all.
But we might have a chance if we act fast.
And I'm prepared to be your new leader.
I say we kill him.
And I've got a plan.
I still say we kill him.
If we can get into Elijah's lab, maybe we can...
Of course! Design a code to turn you to good super freak...
and program it to make you destroy Elijah instead of us!
Brilliant!
- Oh. Well... Actually I was...
- How do we get to the lab?
Right! The worm could dig a tunnel!
By God, it's so crazy it might just work!
But you need Zygrot-24 to make the freak-sludge,
and Elijah told us himself he's run out of it.
- Oh, yeah... Or if we just...
- Yes, exactly!
If they've been using Zygrot-24 as a fertilizer ban,
the entire ecosystem must be soaked with it!
All we need is a way to extract it from
the vegetation, ideally into a liquid form.
- Right.
- Golly!
So that's why my milk comes out that weird blue color!
I thought the grass tasted funny!
Wow, Rick. You're a genius.
- Good thinking, Rick.
- Yeah!
That's cool, Rick. Tell me, how did you ever think of such a plan?
Well, actually, I was going to suggest we send away for sea monkeys.
Train them to fire guns, and make a break for it.
But if you... if want to go with this super good freak thing, I...
I guess that's okay.
Freekz! That's What They Call Us!
Hey! Turn off that goddamn music!
Soooryyy!
What a jerk!
I hate it when you do that.
- Hey, look at this.
- What?
Good Lord! It's the Lost City of Nodd!
It's Old Faithful!
Is my aunt Gertie and my uncle Sid.
- It's my Bar Mitzvah.
- C'mon Ernie, let's go.
Wait. Wait. You gotta see that one where rabbi laughed
so hard that noodle pudding came out his nose. It was...
Stooge!
Nice digging, Worm.
Back off, okay? I got a real shot fuse today.
I'm cranky, I'm bloated, and I got a
wicked case of cramps. Don't ask why.
PMS?
Gotcha, freaks!
Ha, fool you! Didn't know I did impressions, did ya?
Hey, guys. Mission accomplished.
They've got the Zygrot-24 and broke in through the lab.
No! Can't you see? We're digging our own grave!
It's nuts, that's what it is! Nuts!
Well, maybe you've all got a deathwish,
but you can count me out!
I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Nobody move. Nobody get hurt.
OUT OF MY WAY!
That sock full'a holes, mon.
What a mess.
I... I just wanted to say...
What is it, kid?
Ah, forget it. I'm not much for dying.
He's better off this way. It's a blessing.
I've hacked the Elijah's super-freak program.
My god, it's complex.
OK, guys. We got a job to do.
Let's do it and keep quiet, okay?
Oops.
Now, look. From now on, no more screw-ups, okay?
Styrofoam cup?
Here it comes. It's working.
Somebody's coming.
It's plugged up!
If it's your fault, I'll wring your wormy neck.
Preposterous... I have no neck. I'm a worm, imbecile.
Aaargh! Damn... buttered popcorn.
The tunnel walls are about to collapse!
You go ahead. I'll catch up.
- Rick!
- Go!
- Yeah, go. I'll stay here with Rick.
- C'mon.
Bad for the environment.
I think I see him. I see him.
Come on, Rick.
Just made it!
Okay, everybody, listen up.
Now, we cracked the code and made the ointment we need...
to bring Skuggs down for good.
- Finally!
- But I... I left it in the lab.
Wait! Wait! But wait!
I found some macaroons! And there's plenty for all of us!
I hate macaroons.
EES is in bed with Elijah C. Skuggs.
Damn!
Nice to see you in the flesh, Laughing Man.
I think we can dispense with the
codenames, Elijah. We're all friends here.
And to prove it, we brought you a little present.
- Rick? Is that you?
- Who's the troll?
He was asking questions about Coogin, causing trouble.
We figured he was one of yours.
Well I make freaks alright, but...
come on, fellas, this thing's pathetic.
Well you're no Julio Iglesias yourself, mister!
Rick!
Oh, no! Not now, Stuey!
Hey, where are you?
I'm in the lab! I'm in the lab! I'm in the lab!
Not only ugly, he's crazy too.
Toad. Get away.
Gentlemen, I'm not going to bullshit you.
I know my setup here at Freakland looks like small potatoes.
But thanks to your Zygrot-24 and my genius,
tonight I will turn Ricky Coogin into a freak so hideous,
it'll be enough to make your stomach turn inside out.
He'll boil your brain in its own juices,
and cause cold sores you thought had
healed up to start buggin' you again.
It's the dawning of a new age. A new beginning.
Behold...
Super Mega Freak World!
It's really somethin', huh?
Very impressive.
We'll kick Disney's dead ass!
Stuey! Stuey, can you hear me?
I want you to try and escape.
Earn me the can on the floor near the blast burnished.
I like your spirit, Skuggs. But
Disney, c'mon!
- I like "Bambi".
- "Bambi" is suck.
What about part where mother get shot?
- Yeah. Yeah, I liked that part.
- I like it too.
We here a EES have plans for your
Gene Machine and include everything.
Well, everything except shoes, of course.
Well, I'd love to see your plans.
I'd love to show it to you.
Bill, would you do the honors?
What does today's businessman want?
Well...
How about a receptionist with six arms,
three mouths, and a knockout figure?
That would sure speed things up. Or job at the factory?
How do we fight the rising problem of
sagging productivity from lazy workers?
How about a worker with twelve
busy hands, no mouth to talk back,
no genitalia or gastrointestinal system
to distract him from his work?
Sure! It's what we all dream about, isn't it?
Well, with this Skuggs-based Zygrot technology,
these thing are not only possible,
they are only the beginning.
We are poised on the edge of a new
frontier, limited only by our imagination.
Of course, what happened to our expensive spokesman Ricky Coogin
was an unfortunate coincidence.
On the other hand, profits from these new markets could total in the billions.
Ricky who?
Hey! Hold on!
Secretaries? Worker drones? Where's the fun? Where's the spark?
Where's the unspeakable evil?
I was just getting to that.
We're gonna impact every field.
Cosmetics, military, household pets.
And why should we stop at consumer products?
Hell, we can design awhole new consumer!
A few well placed drops in the water supply, and bingo!
It's a whole new master race, and we own the copyright!
- This guy is good.
- We lured him away from Pepsi.
Right here! Right now!
We are building a better tomorrow for
those who uphold the vision of EES!
Bill, if I can just add one thing.
Those who dare oppose us, will stand
knee deep in the blood of their children.
And now the moment you've all been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen.
The Beast Boy!
Rick!
- Over here, Rick.
- Where?
With this remarkable ointment of my own design,
I'm going to transform this half-finished ghoul...
into the ultimate stomach-turning super freak, dedicated to evil!
Here I am, Rick.
Goddammit, kid! Would you sit down!?
- Oh, no!
- Oh, shit! Move down.
What the hell!?
You got a problem, mister?
YOUR ASS IS MINE, SKUGGS!
This kid looks pissed.
EYE AND EYE! KILL HIM!
Damn my eyes!
Toad!
Ooh, I'm shaking!
Shit!
Aaaah! I'm in a zoo!
Looks like it's time to bring out the big gun.
- Sayonara, kiddo.
- No!
Rick!
What a waste of twelve bucks.
Let's get the machine and go.
- Come on.
- Right now!
Wait. Wait. Could you sign this first?
Time to die, troll.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Let's go, dickhead!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Give him the skull cracker, ya big goon!
No way! The skull cracker is an illegal move!
Yeaah, I am the number one!
- I betting my bar-mitzvah money!
- Let's get this over with. Hey, Dick...
What the hell are you doing?
This machine is the property of the Everything Except Shoes Corporation.
- What?!
- Eat shit, yokel.
I knew I couldn't trust you corporate greaseballs!
Move is that thing!
Eat this, Dick.
Head for the hills before he gets all of us!
Boy, I haven't seen a stampede like this since the opening night of Ishtar!
NOW I RIP FREAKS TO PIECES!
Kill Nosey! You always hated Nosey!
Please! Rick, no! Rick, please!
Now that's a really big shoe.
Would you kill him, please?
Kill him! Kill him! KILL HIM!
- Then, just as I...
- Sorry to interrupt you, Rick...
but you've been talking for almost ninety minutes,
and we really have got to go to a commercial.
Oh, sorry.
You like cheese. You like being a man.
That's why you like...
Macheesemo. Real cheese for real men.
Now in a handy aluminum dispenser.
And now back to the exciting conclusion of Ricky Coogin's incredible story.
Let's see... It seemed like nothing could stop me
from shoving a spear through Stuey's skull.
- When all of a sudden, I heard a voice.
- No!
I reckon that troll could help you if you just let him into your heart...
your heart... your heart...
your heart... your heart...
I love you.
- You did it, Rick.
- Atta' boy Coog!
Tosh. Sentimental claptrap.
Beast-Boy, I gave you an order and you better obey it, damn it!
- It's over, Skuggs.
- You were nothing before I find you!
I made you. And I can break you!
You think I made you strong? Ha!
I've cranked my DNA up so high, you won't know what hit you.
I'm a wrecking machine!
I think you crushed my spinal cord.
- I can't feel anything in my fingers.
- Maybe you'll feel this.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
If you kill me, you'll never find the antidote.
What antidote?
A time release serum, I baked it into a delicious batch of macaroons.
- Macaroons?!
- Nice!
If you ask me, you skimped on the coconut!
Freeze, FBI!
Looks like they took care of Skuggs, chief.
Nice work, Ricky.
You'll get a medal from the Vice President for this.
Great. But how did you...
We've been following Skuggs for years.
Then when we saw Mr. Gluck's article, we know it's time to move.
So what's took you so long?
First there was a...
satan's child thing on page 3.
Then there was the case of the house
that dripped blood.
Look at that thing!
Holy shit!
That's can't be.
What the hell are you looking at?
Dead meat!
That's my story.
Oh, it's so exciting.
We fixed Coogin's light!
Oh, it's about time! Turn it on.
- That's better.
- I'll say.
How 'bout it, folks? Let's hear it for Ricky Coogin and his freaky friends!
Bearded Lady!
How ya doin'?
Rosie! The Eternal flame!
Lights out, baby!
Cowboy! Frog-Man! Nosey!
Boo! Get off! Get off!
And the Worm.
Ridiculous. Just because a man doesn't like macaroons.
Gotcha! Damn, it's about time!
Ortiz!
Hey, hermanos!
That's just great. What a story.
And what an ending!
Elijah transformed by the goop! And he actually looked like...
Exactly like you, Skye, I swear. Same face, same outfit.
Except he had these really big, hideous feet.
I'm gonna drink your blood!
Oh, Rick. It's finally over!
Yes... Yes it is.
Rick! Hey, Rick!
Stuey!
Oh, like that wasn't totally predictable.
- Well, now it really is over.
- Thank God.
You know, this whole thing has taught me something.
That when man starts impinging on the subtle perfection of the earth's natural order,
the only thing he'll create is havoc.
Right, Coog. I learned somethin' too.
That men and women truly are equals.
Human spirit transcends
gender and physical appearance.
And thus it is immune to the petty degradations men may devise.
- So true.
- I believe it was Moliere...
- Oh, shut up!
Good night, everybody!
Good night!