Freaky Friday (2003) Movie Script
Honey, wake up.
- No.
- Anna.
Greet the day.
Honey, you gotta wake up.
Ow!
That's it!
Oh!
I have had it!
- Aah!
Anna, hurry up!
What?
I'm ready.
Would you settle on a station?
Okay!
I'm going to get
a little stud here, okay?
I don't want my maid of honor
looking like a harlot.
Come on, Mom.
Everyone's got one.
Everyone?
Harry, everyone has one.
I can't believe you!
You're ruining my life.
You know what?
End of discussion. Feet down.
Okay.
If I can drive.
- Did you bring your permit?
- No. I can't find it.
- You can't find it?
- Ha ha!
What did you do with it, troll?
Why do you always have
to blame him?
You couldn't find
anything in your room.
Why do you always take his side?
Oh, look, Anna,
let's not do this now, please.
And fix your shirt.
- Look, there's Stacey Hinkhouse.
- Joy.
Hi, Stacey.
Hi, Mrs. Coleman.
Congratulations on your big day.
Thanks a lot.
Say hi to your mom.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye. Hi, girls.
You never see Stacey anymore.
- How is she?
- Evil. She hates me now.
Why?
Would you leave
your brother alone?
See?
She always starts it.
Bye, honey.
Make good choices.
She had the same shirt?
Yeah, but this
looks okay, right?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
So it's cool?
- No.
- Oh, definitely not.
- Oh, kill me.
- Anna, what?
I can't believe it.
It's Jake.
He's gonna think I'm so stupid,
I can't even put on a shirt.
You've never even met the guy.
Guess what? He doesn't care.
He's not even looking.
He's totally looking.
- I think he's gonna talk to you.
- Shut up.
Oh! Thanks.
Sorry.
Why would I want
a leprechaun ice sculpture?
I'm not even Irish.
[Cellphone rings]
Could you hold on?
[Beeping]
Seora, Seora!
Cuidado!
Cuidado!
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry, sir.
Mr. Bates, I don't
understand this "F".
You missed
the point of the book.
It's "1984."
How could anyone miss it?
It's a blatant attack
on totalitarianism.
About a rigid society,
dominated by one all-powerful,
ego-tripping dictator.
My grade is final.
Except he had hair.
Anna!
Hello, Anna.
What do you have today?
Meat loaf.
Turkey.
[Humming]
Evan, I'm so sorry.
I had some car trouble.
Okay.
I thought you forgot about me.
I could never forget about you.
I see you every day.
What about tomorrow?
Is this new?
Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
You're gonna see me tomorrow,
but not next week,
because I'm going
on my honeymoon.
Oh, my God!
You're not coming back.
- All my therapists quit on me.
- I'm not gonna quit on you.
I'm gonna be available
on my cellphone.
I checked. There's no service
on the north side of the island.
It will be fine.
Okay.
I've had a better week.
You're counting the minutes,
aren't you?
No.
How many minutes are left?
All right,
this morning was good.
But then I got up.
Ohh!
Great.
No. No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I said no salmon.
No, it has to be halibut.
Well, I don't care
about the extra cost.
- How much is it?
- [Cellphone rings]
Hold on one second.
Hello?
Hi, Harry.
No, you may not touch
the power tools.
Yes, I would consider the
lawnmower to be a power tool.
Okay.
I'll see you at home.
- Okay. Halibut.
- [Beeping]
Could you hold on one second?
Hello.
Dr. Coleman.
Yes, Elizabeth.
Yes, Elizabeth, I'll be
at the appointment tomorrow.
Okay, good.
And, Elizabeth, remember,
you are a smart, strong,
beautiful, independent woman,
and you don't need
a man to complete you.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Excuse me.
Is this yours?
Thanks.
Tenor medium.
So, what do you play?
I play my dad's old Telecaster.
Nice.
Cute shirt.
Thanks.
So, you're in a band?
Sorta.
What do you mean, "sorta"?
Oh, we're still stuck
in our garage phase.
Ah, okay.
Well, if you ever get out
of your garage, let me know.
Yeah, totally.
You can come check me out.
I mean the band.
I'll be there, too,
if you want to come check.
I'm Anna.
Jake.
So, what do you say?
Do you want a ride?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Here you go.
You can wear my extra helmet.
Oh, I just realized
I have to meet my friends,
and they're waiting for me.
Your mom would kill you.
So dead and so grounded.
No, I get it.
Moms and motorcycles.
Yeah.
So, see you around.
Anna.
So, listen.
You like The Hives?
They're awesome.
Well, look,
I've got this import.
I was thinking if you wanted,
we could check it out.
Coleman.
One second.
If I were you, I would be
thinking less about boys
and a little more about
your honors qualifying exam.
I'm ready for the test,
Mr. Bates.
"Prepared" is to "you"
as "not" is to "test."
What does that mean?
Exactly.
[Engine revving]
[Tapping]
What are you doing?
Get out of my room!
Help me!
Mommy!
Stop! Anna!
Sing it on the second verse.
There she is.
Hey!
What happened?
Nothing.
Just taking care of my brother.
Thank you.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
Come here.
Oh, sweetheart.
All right. Ready?
I'm gonna give you three.
No. Ready?
One, two, three.
Oh, honey, go back inside.
I'll be right there.
Anna!
Hold still, honey, hold still.
I promise there will be
serious consequences for her.
Hey, Tessie!
Hey, Dad, you're early!
- What?
- You're early!
I can't...
You're early.
Hold on.
I need my glasses.
Grandpa!
Hey, monkey!
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
What is this?
One of them thongs?
I don't want to know.
What's up?
What's up?
- Hey, guys.
- You guys know these yard apes?
You're early.
What?
Glad you could make it.
I brought
an early wedding present.
What?
I thought I'd get
the author to sign it.
What?
- I thought I'd ask...
- I can't hear you. Hold on.
Let's get out of here.
What do you have
under your shirt?
Ryan, could you?
- Oh, bummer.
- Not again.
Time's up!
It's after 6:00!
Mmm!
Hey, guys.
You're gonna spoil your dinner.
You know, this Dad thing
can be hard or easy.
Don't let her see you.
Good, now we can hear.
Speak for yourself.
I could use those little notes.
She hates when I pull the plug.
Get ready for the fireworks.
Did I say hello?
I must have missed it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Get a room!
Go, go, go, go!
[Cellphone rings]
- This is...
- Just one second. One second.
Okay, but you owe me.
Hello.
Yes, this is she.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Yeah, great.
Thank you.
Thank you so, so much.
What?
You guys are never
gonna believe this.
One of the bands dropped out
of the Wango Tango auditions.
We are the first alternate.
Shut up!
That's awesome!
We have to check in at
the House of Blues by 7:00.
We're on at 7:45.
- When is it?
- Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow's Friday. That's
my mom's rehearsal dinner.
Anna, come on.
This is really important.
You know, don't worry.
I'll be there.
How can you? Aren't you
the maid of horror or something?
Honor. It's not the wedding.
It's the rehearsal.
Don't they make a big deal
out of the rehearsal,
like all your weird
relatives coming to town?
No, they don't.
There's my Anna Banana!
Give your Grampy Doodle
a big huggy-buggy.
Grandpa, over here.
Oh.
Hey, Gramps.
Don't worry.
I would never let you down.
Just don't cancel
the audition yet.
- I'm gonna talk to my mom.
- All right.
- We're screwed.
- Yep.
Yeah.
"I don't think he knows I exist.
It's stupid to think about him,
but I can't help it."
Jake! Ooh, Jake!
Get out of my room!
Oh! My... my...
Ah! Aaaaah!
She saw it.
I'm gonna check
out those Lakers.
I'm with you.
Mom!
Mom, did you see
what happened to my door?
I spoke to your principal.
What?
Just now on the phone.
Where's my door?
- Privacy is a privilege.
- Where is my door, Mom?
Your door will be
returned to you, Anna,
if and when you can explain...
You give me that door,
or I will kill myself.
Oh!
Can I watch?
- Harry!
- Shut up!
Aaaaah!
I think we can dispense
with the drama.
Maybe you can
calmly explain to me
why you were
in detention twice today.
Okay, I went to detention.
That was
because Stacey Hinkhouse
kept hitting me
with a volleyball.
When is this conflict with
Stacey Hinkhouse going to end?
Never, because she's
an insane, psycho freak.
You'd know that if you paid
a speck of attention.
Anna!
What?
I think you know I pay
attention, Anna.
Enough to know that you got
an "F" in English today.
Well, Mr. Bates
is out to get me.
Oh, him too?
Yeah.
He just looks
for ways to torture me.
Like today, the one time Jake
spoke to me, he totally...
Who's Jake?
He's just nobody.
You say
I'm not interested, Anna.
I'm interested.
Try me.
Okay, he's just this
really amazing guy, Mom.
Where'd you meet him?
Detention, but...
That's promising.
Do you see? Why do I
bother telling you anything?
Do you see? Why do I
bother telling you anything?
Okay.
Who's up for Chinese?
Aah!
You're ruining my life!
I'm moving out and never coming
back ever, ever, ever again!
- Hello. How are you?
- Hello, Pei-Pei.
Anna, Harry, you're so big now.
What happened?
Are you happy for your mommy?
About what?
Oh. [Laughs]
She's such a joker.
Who's catering?
Chinese food good luck.
- It's all planned already.
- Okay, how about me?
- I preordered the Peking duck.
- Joy.
- I know that's your favorite.
- Whatever.
- The wedding is in two days.
- Think about it.
See you soon.
Happy dining.
Anna, your door is
underneath the back stairs.
Like I didn't figure that out.
Stop groveling, man.
Let her come to you.
She'd come with a hatchet.
I think I'll
go check on that duck.
Anna.
Do you think
that your surliness
is the best way for you
to get what you want?
I'm sorry, Mom.
I really have
been stressing in school,
and I deserved every single one
of those trips to detention.
And I'm gonna apologize to
Stacey Hinkhouse and Mr. Bates.
I guess what I'm trying to say
is, I'll try and do better, Mom.
I'll really, really try.
All right, what do you want?
To go to this audition tomorrow
that we can never have
again at the House of Blues.
An audition, that's great.
Tomorrow? You mean
after the rehearsal dinner?
Well, during.
"During."
You mean as "instead of"?
Technically?
I need to talk to you right now.
- I'm gonna pass on that.
- Now!
Anna.
I am going
to make one final attempt
to understand
what goes on in your head.
Don't treat me like
your patients.
- What?
- All calm and reasonable.
Let's talk.
I want to understand.
I really do
want to understand, Anna!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Oh, Mama,
stay out of it, please.
- Mama.
- Okay, fine.
They're gonna pick one local
band to play at Wango Tango.
We were lucky to make this cut.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime
chance. Please.
Why can't I just go?
Please.
What I hear
is that my special night
means absolutely nothing to you.
I don't have to ask if my band
means anything to you.
It's clear
you think we're all noise.
Look, I'm a walrus.
- I do not!
- Do too!
Anna, I let you practice
in the garage.
Anna, stop.
What?
Let's talk about what
this is really about.
This is about your dad.
Mom, stop shrinking me.
It's not about Dad.
It's about the audition!
You're ruining my life!
Enough with the drama.
Anna, high school
is not that hard.
You couldn't last one day
in my high school.
I could, and I would do it
without getting a detention.
I'm sorry I'm the one thing
in your life that isn't perfect!
You think my life is perfect?
I know your life is perfect.
Your perfect job,
perfect boyfriend,
perfect patients who worship
the ground you walk on.
You need a serious
and bracing reality check
if you think my life is perfect!
You can cut me some
slack this once.
I am beyond
cutting you slack, Anna.
You are not
going to the audition.
- I am!
- No, you're not!
- Why not?
- Because I said so!
Cookie?
This isn't really a good time.
Now a good time.
[Speaking Chinese]
Okay, okay.
Thank you.
Anna, for one day,
the entirety of our life
is not gonna be
focused on you.
Yeah, it's all about
Ryan now, isn't it?
Anna!
Get away.
Honey!
"A journey soon begins,
its prize reflected
in another's eyes.
When what you see
is what you lack,
then selfless love
will change you back."
Whatever.
Honey?
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Whew.
Come on.
- Did you feel that?
- Feel what?
- There was an earthquake.
- No, there wasn't.
Yes, there was.
What are they talking about?
An earthquake.
An earthquake?
No.
There was no earthquake.
You didn't feel it?
No.
I don't think so.
Oh, God, I didn't get
the dry cleaning.
I'll have to do that on the way
home, and call the mechanic
and the florist.
Okay, better get up.
I'd better...
Why am I in Anna's room?
What happened last night?
Did I pass out in here?
Oh, I have no memory of this!
This isn't mine!
Those aren't mine!
That's not mine.
That's definitely not mine.
Aaaaah!
Anna, come here quick.
Mom's dead.
I'm dead?
Come on, hurry!
See?
She's not moving.
Oh, my God.
No, wait, it's breathing.
I'm not dead.
What?
Right.
Her chest is moving, honey, see?
You called me "honey."
Right...
Are you sick?
I hope so.
Or dreaming.
Hon.
Harry,
go get your own breakfast.
You can eat Anna's cereal.
My cereal.
Cool.
Hello?
Hello in there?
Wake up, honey.
Wake up.
Wake up!
That is it.
[Groaning] Oh.
Oh, could I just have,
like, one minute, please?
Honey.
Look, I think
something's happened to us.
What are you?
It's me. Mom.
You're not my mother.
Yes, I am.
Get away, you clone freak!
Don't you use that tone with me.
Oh, my God, you are my mother.
And you're not
who you think you are.
Look at me!
We seem to be inside each other.
I'm old!
I beg your pardon!
Oh, I'm like the Cryptkeeper!
Okay, that's enough.
Aah!
I want my body back.
And I don't want mine?
My wedding's tomorrow.
Oh, my God!
My wedding's tomorrow.
I can't marry Ryan.
Ew!
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay what?
I have no idea.
Mom, maybe we should go
to the emergency room.
Oh, no.
All that will get us
is a 72-hour lockdown
in the psych ward
and a Thorazine drip.
No, we're not going anywhere.
Okay.
So you're in my body,
and I'm in your body.
Why don't we, like...
Yes, yes, I see
what you're saying.
A jolt.
Okay. You go over there,
and I go over here.
Okay, now when I say go.
Ready?
- Yeah.
- Go.
Hey, Mom, can I...
Okay.
Okay, that was stupid.
Harry!
I was just teaching
Mom some new dance moves.
What do you want, punk?
You cannot talk to him
like that.
He thinks you're his mother.
We're gonna to have to tell him.
We're not going to tell anyone.
They'll think we're crazy.
Maybe we are crazy.
I for one am not crazy.
I'm merely a grown woman
trapped in my daughter's body.
Oh, God, I am crazy.
Grandpa,
could you pass the milk?
Okay. Harry's still Harry,
and Grandpa's still Grandpa.
So it's just us.
What did we do wrong?
I don't know.
Grandpa, pass the milk!
Grandpa, pass the milk!
Earthquake.
Earthquake!
Earthquake?
House of Chang!
- Nobody felt it but us.
- Earthquake!
Earthquake, earthquake!
Honey!
Okay.
I'll take you.
I guess you're not ready yet.
Sweetheart.
What are you doing here?
I thought you said
you needed a ride to work.
Right, Mom.
I guess you better hurry up.
Get a grip.
I am not...
Darling.
Could you,
like, chill for a sec?
Sure, sure, I'll chill.
- You're going.
- I'll, like, go get your dad.
Alan, that's not our car!
The earthquake and then
Pei-Pei's crazy mother
pointing at me and you.
And what was she
mumbling about in Chinese?
She did something.
Some strange Asian voodoo.
What are we gonna do now?
I can't go to school like this.
You have to.
You're on the verge
of suspension,
and you have your honors
qualifying exam today.
All the more reason
to stay home.
I could go and
take the exam for you.
I'm sure a high test
would be simple for me.
Are you kidding?
You think you can be me?
Of course I can.
Watch me.
"Oh, everyone's out to get me.
You're ruining my life."
It's easy to be you.
I'll suck the fun
out of everything.
I do not suck the fun
out of everything.
- Fun sucker.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
I will go to school,
and you will stay right...
- What?
- Evan.
- Evan? Who's Evan?
- My neediest patient.
I've been seeing him every day
for three years.
Ooh, bummer.
Maybe just my face
would be reassuring.
No way. Unh-unh.
I am not babysitting
some 40-year-old wack job.
What am I supposed
to say to the freak?
Nothing. You are in no way
to give anyone any advice.
That would be unethical.
Just listen attentively,
nod occasionally,
and if you must speak,
simply say,
"How do you feel about that?"
You're serious.
You really
want us to be each other?
We will get through
this morning as each other,
and we will go to the restaurant
at lunch and get switched back.
Go get dressed.
Well, good luck getting
dressed without a door.
Thank you.
[Anna screaming]
Oh, boy.
You'll get used to it.
What?
You pierced your navel?
Yeah. I meant to talk
to you about that.
- When did you do this?
- At Maddie's cousin's sweet 16.
Well, when you get
your body back, it's grounded.
And what are you doing?
I don't know why you never wear
these. They're cute.
Yeah, if you're selling Bibles.
And what did you do to my hair?
I've been dying
to comb these rats out.
Now you can see
your pretty face.
And what is this?
Oh, I fixed your jeans.
My patients are not
going to pay $ 150 an hour
to get therapy from a stripper.
All right.
I'll drab up.
I'll grunge down.
Go.
What's up?
[Radio stations switching]
Feet down.
Harry, could you settle down?
Bite me!
Do you see what he
does behind your back?
Anna!
Mom.
Excuse me.
And while I'm apologizing,
let me just say to the whole car
how truly sorry I am
for being such an insane
control freak all the time.
You're not controlling, Mom.
I'm the one
who should be apologizing
for my flagrant disregard for
anyone's feelings but my own.
Well, at least you have
a great sense of style.
- Not like me.
- Enough.
Platinum, cool.
Don't even think about it.
Am I supposed to follow this?
It's nothing, darling.
One more day.
Yeah, it's great we're
getting married, isn't it?
Even though my husband died.
How quickly I've been
able to get over it.
Just pull up here.
Mom, out of the car.
If you manage to alienate
Ryan in my body.
I'll be nice.
But don't kiss him.
Oh, Mom, I just had breakfast.
That's disgusting.
Nice.
Okay. Here is the number
for the cab company.
I want you back here
at 11:45 sharp.
All right.
- Do you understand?
- All right!
What is that tone?
Are you using a tone with me?
Oh, my God.
Can I go?
Why?
What are you so anxious about?
Hey, Anna.
Do you know him?
Kinda.
That's Jake.
- No, no.
- You gotta give him a chance.
That is the last thing
I'm going to give him.
- You don't even know him.
- I know he's too old for you.
My God, he's coming over.
Say hi.
Say hi back,
or I break up with Ryan.
- Hi, Jake.
- Hey.
So.
Oh, this is my mother,
Dr. Coleman.
Hi.
Hi.
- It's a great bike.
- What?
Not like I've ever been on it.
I'm not allowed.
I mean I'm allowed
because I'm old.
I gotta go.
Bye.
Walk with him.
Harry, do you know who that is?
Anna's got a boyfriend.
K-l-S-S-l-N-G.
Okay, where are we going next?
Harry's school?
Oh, he can walk from here.
It's 20 blocks!
Fresh air will do you good.
What about bullies?
Run fast.
Tess, look, really, it's
no trouble to drive him.
Whatever.
Hey, I've got The Hives for you.
I beg your pardon?
- The CD.
- Oh, yeah, that.
They're coming
to town next week.
- I was wondering if...
- That's a nice thought.
I'm sure with a haircut
you'd look presentable.
But I need to focus
on my schoolwork,
and truth be told,
you're way too old for me.
But thanks anyway, Jason.
It's Jake.
Hello.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Hi.
Hello.
Stacey!
Hi, how are you?
Oh, wonderful.
Stacey, what are you doing?
Run away.
- Are you okay, Anna?
- God!
I am appalled Stacey
would do something like that.
Yeah, shocker.
Oh, I am going
to be calling her mother.
Forget about that.
We'll get her later.
We saw you.
- Saw me what?
- With Jake.
- Give us the dirty details.
- Excuse me?
Did you make a move?
- Is that something I would do?
- It's something you should do.
No, no, no.
I don't believe
in physical contact
with the opposite sex
at all, ever.
Nothing.
And you girls would do
well to follow my example.
Well.
- Whoa, whoa!
- What?
Cold sore, cold sore.
- Where?
- I feel it coming on there.
- Big oozer.
- I don't care.
I'm thinking of you, really.
You.
Okay. Okay.
Good thing, I guess.
You need a ride home, or are you
gonna pick up the Volvo?
Oh, I will most definitely
be picking up the Volvo.
Ow!
Hey. How's it going?
- Uh! What?
Dr. Coleman's office.
Hi.
This is Dr. Dunn's office.
I am calling to confirm
your root canal appointment.
Root canal?
That's not fair!
They're not my teeth.
Okay, I'm not sure...
No.
No, I'm cutting the dentist.
- You mean you're canceling?
- Yeah, cancel.
Like I'm going to take
that bullet. Please!
Evan.
No. Boris.
Line 27.
- Thanks.
- There you go.
Whoa!
She's blind!
Oh, this sucks.
Wanna get that?
No way. I'm not answering
that thing again.
Good to see you.
Okay.
You're here.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm here, and you're here.
You look fantastic.
Why?
Are you canceling the session?
No, Kevin.
Evan!
Evan. Evan.
So, shall we go in here
and do it?
Are you gonna get that?
No.
Oh, so you
don't answer your phone.
I told you I wouldn't be able
to call you on your honeymoon,
but you lied to me.
You're a liar!
I'll get it.
Yo.
What?
$ 10,000? For what?
Halibut!
Ew!
What kind of caterer are you?
It's disgusting.
Well, I'm not gonna pay for it.
Okay, fine. Don't show up.
See if I care.
Yeah, I'm canceling.
Yeah, well, same to you, dude.
So, Ethan.
Evan!
Evan.
I knew that.
Bates. I've seen him before.
Where have I seen him before?
Like, every day
in this torture chamber.
So, did you talk to your mom?
Today is a lovely day
for a pop quiz.
All of you should have finished
reading "Hamlet" by now.
I'm going to ask each
one of you one question,
and you will be graded
according to your answer.
Oh, thank God it's "Hamlet."
I was in that play in high...
I just know the play.
Like that'll help you.
Mr. Waters, describe
the character of Hamlet.
Hamlet.
He's, uh...
he's one of the big characters.
I mean, he's Hamlet.
He's just bopping around,
doesn't know which way's up.
I don't think
the guy's got a clue.
You mean to say
that he is a man...
Yeah.
Who couldn't make up his...
- mind.
- Mind.
Exactly.
Very good.
All right.
- "B."
- Yeah.
Ms. Coleman.
Yes, Mr. Bates?
What are the central
conflicts in "Hamlet"?
Well, political, of course,
because Claudius usurped
his father's throne.
Oedipal, because of the
undercurrents with his mother.
Then there is the timeless
question of insanity.
Is he really seeing his father's
ghost, or is he simply mad?
That is seriously overreaching.
"F."
- "F"?
- "F."
Mr. Franelli, who is Fortinbras?
I started reading your new book,
and it just makes me feel
really depressed.
And how do you feel about that?
Depressed.
[Mumbling incoherently]
And how do you feel about that?
She and her best friend
aren't speaking, Doctor.
And in her diary,
she keeps mentioning this boy.
How do you feel about that?
Well, I'm worried.
You read her diaries?
Oh, that's gross!
That's bad.
"Bad Mom" award.
But I'm concerned, Doctor,
that she and this boy might be,
I mean, you know.
Stop! Stop!
Nothing is going on
between her and this guy.
If there was, she wouldn't be
writing about it.
She'd be out there doing it.
Her best friend
probably isn't talking to her
because she probably
likes this guy, too.
And he probably flirted
with her a little,
but he secretly
likes your daughter.
He hasn't made his move yet
because that wouldn't be cool.
So now her best friend is
acting like some psycho freak.
Okay?
That's very interesting.
I never would have
thought about it that way.
Cool.
Guess we're done.
Mr. Bates, may I please
speak with you?
I think that would be fairly
pointless, but go ahead.
By what stretch
of the imagination...
I mean, like, how could I,
like, get an "F"?
What mistakes did I make?
Grading is subjective.
That was
a college-level analysis.
And you're qualified
to make that assessment?
I most certainly am.
Well, in the words of Hamlet,
"What's done is done."
That's "Macbeth,"
you know-nothing twit.
Bates.
Elton Bates.
Griffith High School.
How do you know that?
Well, you asked me,
I mean, my mom to the prom,
but she turned you down.
This is not
an appropriate subject.
You're taking it out
on her daughter, aren't you?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
It was a high school dance.
You've got to let it
go and move on, man.
And if you don't, I'm sure the
school board would love to hear
about your pathetic vendetta
against an innocent student.
Oh, and by the way, Elton,
she had a boyfriend,
and you were weird.
That was amazing.
You totally destroyed him.
I don't think Elton Bates
will be giving me much trouble.
That's so weird about your mom.
- Oh, yeah, what did she say?
- About what?
- About the audition.
- Oh, right. She said no.
What?
Well, it is
her rehearsal dinner.
Don't you think
that's rather important, too?
And you told her?
You told her this chance
would never come again?
- She sympathizes.
- Don't give us this.
She is totally
ruining our lives.
You're the culprit.
Yeah, your mom
has never cared about our music.
Never cared?
Never cared?
Who do you think paid
for those guitar lessons?
And did she ever hear
a "thank you"? No.
Come on, you said it yourself.
Your mom hasn't paid
attention to you
since she started
dating that guy.
That's not true.
Well, you talk about it enough.
I do?
What is up with you today?
You act like you don't even
care about this band.
Look, girls... guys,
if it were any other night.
Whatever, Anna.
God.
[Tires squealing in distance]
[Car horns honking,
alarm sounding]
[Rock music blaring]
- You picked up my car!
- Yeah.
Get out of the car.
I'm driving.
Oh, my God.
What have you done to me?
Do you like it?
Get out of the car right now!
Do you have your permit?
No.
My hair.
It's gone!
What have you done to my ear?
Mom, it's an earring!
Take it out right now!
No.
It looks cool.
Don't start with me.
Those clothes
are going back tomorrow!
Why? Everyone likes them.
You look great.
I look like Stevie Nicks.
Who's he?
- What are you doing with this?
- I'm eating.
You cannot eat fast food.
Why not?
Because it will
go down your throat
and drop instantly to my thighs.
- Oh, come on.
- Watch the road.
Oh, this food may make
you blow up like a balloon,
but it will do nothing
whatsoever to me.
Oh, Mom!
Oh, God, this is good.
Mom, that's not fair.
My first french fry
in eight years.
I can hear
the "Hallelujah Chorus."
Road!
Oh, hi, hi.
You back so soon.
Sexy new look for you,
Mrs. Coleman.
You look hot.
- Two for lunch?
- No, Pei-Pei.
We'd like to speak
to you about something
we think happened
to us at your restaurant.
- Something that sucks.
- Let me handle this.
Okay.
When we woke up this morning,
we weren't ourselves.
Yeah.
Oh. Mama!
Hey, hey!
You come back here.
Hello, hello.
Did you give them
the fortune cookie?
What did she say?
Oh.
She's crazy.
Well?
She don't know what
you're talking about.
Okay, let's have lunch.
Let's eat.
You know exactly
what we're talking about.
Let's hit her.
Okay, okay.
I cannot fix it.
Only you can fix it.
When the fortune come true,
then you go back.
What fortune?
From the fortune cookie.
You find the answer
in each other.
When the fortune come true,
then you go back, okay?
No big deal.
You mean, we're stuck
in this suck-fest?
You're not going to do anything?
How about 10% off catering?
No, Pei-Pei, we have a caterer.
Actually, Mom, there's something
I forgot to tell you.
Okay, good idea, how about I do?
- What did that fortune say?
- Like I remember?
- I don't remember, either.
- Oh, I hate this!
I don't wanna get married at 15!
It's not even legal!
I want my room back.
I want my friends.
I want to eat whatever
I want when I want.
Mommy.
I know, sweetie.
It's a hard day.
We'll get through it.
Breathe.
Deep breath.
We'll go home
and find the fortune.
[Cellphone ringing,
beeping]
- Make it stop!
- Oh, my organizer.
It's been going off all day.
Parent-teacher conference!
I completely forgot!
You have to be at Harry's
school in 15 minutes.
No!
I hate teachers!
You have to go.
I'll go to your school.
I'll take your exam,
and everything will be okay.
Okay, let's go.
Mom?
Yeah. Whatever.
Mrs. Coleman.
All right, let's do this thing.
Okay.
Well, what can I say
about Harry?
He is a sweet boy.
But he's having a little
trouble with bullies.
So?
That's character-building.
Kid needs to toughen up.
He's kind of a wimp.
So, that's it?
I can go?
No, not exactly.
Harry's very bright,
but he's having a
problem applying himself,
particularly in Math.
So, hold him back.
I mean, he's short.
He'll fit in,
you know what I mean?
Well, you know,
he's very good in English.
I had the class write an essay
on who they admire most,
and he wrote a wonderful
paper about your daughter.
So, what'd she say?
She showed me the paper
you wrote about Anna.
- You saw that?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, don't tell her I like her.
Well, why not?
Because we have
too much fun fighting.
You know, kid, you are way more
twisted than I thought.
Good try!
- Oh, man!
- Loser!
Good luck flunking.
Stacey, I want to talk to you.
Come here.
Why this falling out?
We were best friends
in sixth grade.
I know I got
involved with my music,
and you became involved
with your cheerleading,
but why does this
have to be World War III?
All those years
of trick-or-treating
and sleepovers.
Don't you remember any of it?
I know I do.
I mean, how do you
feel about that?
All right, let's all
take our seats for the test.
Sit with me?
Communication.
That's all it takes.
Hey, there you are.
Ooh! You again.
Look at you.
Love the hair.
Got a surprise.
You're gonna be happy with me.
I seriously doubt that.
Great dress. Sexy.
Oozing sore!
I don't see anything.
Makeup! Great stuff!
Hey, take it easy, stud.
Save it for the honeymoon.
You know what?
We have to go anyway.
Oh, no, I have to get
that fortune thingy.
No time.
I've got my sweater on.
No, no.
I have to...
We have to leave.
We'll spoil the surprise.
- Watch your step.
- Okay.
- Watch your step.
- Okay.
- Watch your step.
- Okay!
- Still got your eyes closed?
- Yeah.
All right, okay, relax.
Open them.
You're on
"The Dottie Robertson Show."
They had
a last-second cancellation.
I got you on.
To talk about that book?
Break a leg.
I didn't want to say anything.
We're ready for you now.
I know you get nervous,
but you're gonna be great.
I'm gonna barf!
Go get 'em!
- Watch your step. This way.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not that person.
- Right there.
There you go.
Oh, sorry.
Now, makeup's gonna
come to you, sweetie, okay?
What is this thing?
"Through the Looking Glass.
Senescence."
Se-nes-cence?
Seeny-sincey?
What?
"The sum of
the areas of the shaded regions
in terms of 'D' is equal to
A, 'D' squared times the sum
of pi divided by four minus
'D' divided by two.
B, 'D' squared
times the sum of pi cubed
divided by 'D' minus two."
Now, what is pi again?
Three-point-something?
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I've never used pi.
Anna's never gonna use pi!
Why is it called pi anyway?
Okay, focus.
Or "C, 'D' cubed minus
the sum of pi squared.
Psst!
Miss Brown,
she's copying my test!
- Hey, cheater.
- I did not cheat.
That Stacey Hinkhouse
is conniving.
It's your business.
I did not cheat.
Don't you smirk at me.
If you're so perfect,
why are you
in detention all the time?
I'm not in detention.
I work here.
What would you say if I told you
I could help finish your test?
Really?
Yeah.
You know, my publisher doesn't
think anybody's gonna know
what the word
"senescence" means.
Do you know what it means?
No.
Please do sit still.
Okay.
All right, they keep
the tests in the file room.
We're going through here?
They're so burned out
they won't notice. Trust me.
All right, all right, all right.
Coleman.
Anna Coleman.
Oh, my gosh, thank you.
Now hurry up
and finish your test.
You really are something, Jake.
I'll watch the door.
Back from commercial in 10.
Loved your book.
I actually read this one.
That makes one of us.
Ready and three, two.
Hi. Welcome back.
We're here with
Dr. Tess Coleman,
author of
"Through the Looking Glass,
Senescence in Retrograde."
So, Doctor, tell us
about your new book.
Well.
I wrote it.
Yes, you did.
But tell us,
what got you interested
in the physical and
intellectual exhaustion
that seems to overcome
those of us
who are, let's say,
no longer 20.
Senescence, like senile!
Old people!
Got it!
Got it!
And let's face it,
we are tired much of the time.
That's why I've been craving
caffeine all day.
I thought I was dying.
But you still haven't answered
the fundamental question.
Why are we so tired?
Well, of course we're tired
because of our demanding
and hectic...
Do you want to know why adults
are so tired all the time?
Because they spend
their time obsessing
about these stupid, lame things
they don't really have to do.
Like cooking.
I mean, have you never
heard of takeout?
And cleaning?
Let's don't and say we did!
And quality time with your kids?
You know what?
Quit bugging 'em!
Leave 'em alone!
They like it!
I don't remember reading
any of this in your book.
Hello? It's called
reading between the lines!
Oh, my God.
What?
That's my mom.
Try listening
to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs,
The Vines, The Breeders.
And if you're excited
about something,
why do you have to hold
it in all the time?
You know, just scream about it!
Okay, do this with me.
Let's just say this
cute guy asks you out.
What are you gonna do?
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
That was pathetic!
You keep all that bottled up,
no wonder you're getting old!
I'm serious!
This guy's hot!
What are you gonna do?
God, your mom's cool.
I can't hear you!
Whoo!
Oh, she is dead.
Worse than dead.
She will spend the next year
in a phoneless,
dateless, Amish existence.
I've gotta get home.
I've gotta get home.
Listen, I need you
to give me a ride.
I thought your mom
didn't want you on a bike.
You're a little
too virtuous, kid.
You know what?
I'm late for my second job.
Just give me the ride.
I know my mother
will understand.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
You seem really different than
the person I thought you were.
I saw what you
did to Stacey's test.
I think you're right.
You're too young for me.
But I don't know why I did that.
It's really not like me.
Honestly.
Good luck, Anna.
Come on!
They'll let her retake the test!
Ohh!
That's the first time Tessie's
work hasn't put me to sleep.
I might even read
one of those books.
Hey, is Dr. Coleman
coming out soon?
Dottie had her escorted from
the building 10 minutes ago.
But she rocks, doesn't she?
Look, she signed my butt!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Can I have
a quad-choc-caramel latte?
Mrs. Coleman?
Jake!
What are you doing here?
I work here.
Hey, I caught the show.
Man, you sure were great.
Thanks.
How was Anna today?
I mean, was she nice to you?
She was stressing a little,
but you know how it is
with school.
Okay, 'cause if she wasn't,
I'd have to punish her.
You punish her?
No mom who listens to The Vines
would punish anybody.
- You like The Vines?
- I got the bootlegs!
Shut up!
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Oh, Anna Banana, it's you.
- Where's Mom?
- She ditched us at the studio.
Harry, get down from
the table this instant!
I'm imitating Mom.
You should've seen her today!
She was so cool!
Whoo! Whoo!
Ramones?
Love.
White Stripes?
Can't stand 'em.
I know! Me neither.
I mean, get a bass player.
I love this song.
Am I so lame that I would
love "Baby, One More Time"?
No, this cover's a classic.
I gotta go.
What?
Don't go.
No, no.
I have a wedding rehearsal.
Okay, whose?
Mine.
Are you serious?
I wish I wasn't.
You're not really
getting married, are you?
This was so fun, and I'm
gonna remember it forever.
- Okay, but you can't...
- Jake...
Look, I don't know
what's going on.
I don't know what
this whole thing is.
I feel like I know you.
I have to go.
Really, I just...
Please.
Just please.
Let me at least
give you a ride.
Okay.
Here you are,
you little monster.
Okay.
Tess!
Tess!
Tess!
Where have you been?
You needed to be dressed
a half hour ago!
You tell me where you've
been, young lady!
Young lady?
Role-playing!
Her idea.
New therapeutic technique.
Switching points of view.
If I switch with Harry,
do I have to wear a thong?
[Mockingly]
Earthquake! Save me!
Get back here, you little.
Where do I even begin?
Could it be your
career-killing TV appearance,
your nonstop partying
with my car and wallet,
or, perhaps, my body's
makeover from hell?
Are you listening
to a word I'm saying?
Yes.
And get that cheap stud
out of my ear.
Mom, he is so awesome.
- Who?
- Jake.
Please, Mommy, can I
go out with him? Please?
Not in Ryan's
fiance's body, you can't.
What am I supposed to
do in Ryan's fiance's body?
Go to this thing tonight?
Be you?
That's today.
What about tomorrow, Mom?
I really don't want
to get married.
I don't think you're thrilled
about me getting married
either, Anna.
Why?
Why can't we talk about this?
What is it about
Ryan you don't like?
He's fine.
But he's not your father.
Mom, look, I don't wanna talk
about this now.
Time's running out to talk
about it. Please, tell me.
Mom, do what you want.
Marry the dude.
Just don't make me do it.
Tess?
[Mockingly]
Privacy's a privilege, Anna.
Tess?
Go.
Yo, sup?
I'm not really
a prying kind of guy,
but I was wondering
what you were doing
on the eve of our wedding
straddling some guy on the
back of a big, black Harley.
Hello?
It was a Ducati.
Is there something
you'd like to tell me?
Some fantasy you're trying
to get out of your system?
Because I'd like
to know about it now.
I just needed a ride.
I didn't really
even know the guy.
I didn't know what...
He's a friend of mine, Ryan.
He likes me.
And my mom wouldn't
let me go out with him,
so I just had to beg her
to check him out for me.
And she did.
And she actually came to find
that he's a very
together young man.
And she approves.
Really?
Really.
Snap!
Uh-huh.
So, let's do this thingy!
- You mean our wedding rehearsal?
- Yeah, whatever.
Excuse me.
Ooh!
What are you doing?
Shotgun!
I want to talk to your mom.
- Are you insane?
- I know I am.
What are you thinking?
How can you entertain ideas
about you and a woman her age?
What are you talking about?
She looks great.
Really? Wow.
No!
You have to disappear!
I know
it's unconventional, okay?
And I know nothing can happen.
I'm not stupid.
I just want to know her.
I want to talk to her.
Do not come near
my mother or her fianc!
Do you understand?
I don't understand anything.
For God's sake, you really need
to find someone your own age.
Anna, you're beautiful, okay?
But you're not her.
Stop it! Promise you'll
leave my mother alone.
Anna Banana!
I'll give you one thing.
I'll give you one thing.
He definitely likes you
for your mind.
Come on!
Come on!
All right, let's do this.
Oh, well, there we go.
Oh, I'll have one.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Did you bring it?
Right here.
Can you get away?
Well, I'd love to.
It's just that
I'm meeting thousands
of 100-year-old people.
Those are Ryan's parents.
Hi.
- Doesn't make them any less old.
- Ryan.
Do you think I could borrow
my mother for just one minute?
Sure.
Ow!
Okay, there's gotta be
some clue here.
"A journey soon begins,
its prize reflected
in another's eyes."
Okay, that was the switch.
Oh, let me see.
Okay, blah, blah.
"Lack, then selfless love
will change you back."
So that means
we're stuck like this forever.
Now is not a moment
for your negativity.
Let's try to be selfless.
Give me your hands.
I'm being selfless.
Are you being selfless?
Yeah, I'm being selfless.
You're not doing a good job.
We're still here.
Oh, right.
So now it's my fault.
Why is everything always...
It's Jake!
He must've followed us.
Mom, what're we gonna do?
Mom?
Mom!
Shh! Shh!
Don't scream.
Just listen to us.
We are half a block
from the House of Blues.
Tell 'em you're going to
the bathroom, do the song,
you'll be back before
they know you've gone.
I tried to learn your solo,
and I suck.
Two bands have gone,
and they both blew.
We might have a chance
if you come.
When I say I can't,
you don't know the half of it.
Don't make me do this.
What are you doing?
If Ryan sees you here,
it will blow everything.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just,
when I look into your eyes...
Stop it!
Jake, believe me, it is not
me you like, it's Anna.
No, you're the exciting one.
The musical one.
Actually, I learned it from her.
I'm tone-deaf.
- Tess?
- Shh. Don't move.
Tess?
Oh, found it!
- Found what?
- My earring.
I thought I lost it.
Anna's friends decided to crash.
You guys!
You know anything about this?
Well, I think they're trying
to get Anna to go to an audition
which had to be tonight,
but I said no.
She had to stay here.
- You're kidding.
- No, that's how it went down.
I know it's not important to you
and that she's just a girl
in a stupid band.
Look, Dr. Coleman, dude,
I'm really sorry,
but couldn't we borrow
Anna for 20 minutes?
We'd never ask you, or
anybody for anything ever again.
I am appalled at you two.
I clearly said...
Go.
What?
Go.
Ryan.
What are you still doing here?
Go! Right now!
Thank you so much!
I told you he wouldn't
totally ruin your life!
Mister Dude, you rock!
Thanks, Mitch.
Are you mad?
No.
Do you, like, not want
to get married now?
No.
No, I don't, not if you're
gonna put me in this role.
What role?
The role of
insensitive stepfather
who couldn't care less or
thinks it's a stupid band,
or any of the preposterous
things you just said.
How can you say I don't care?
I'm not that guy.
If that's who you think I am,
this is never gonna work.
When I fell in love with you,
I knew you came with a family,
and I respect
the hell out of that.
You've always
put the kids first.
That's exactly how it should be.
That's how I want it.
I never pushed Anna
because I want her to like me
on her own terms,
in her own way.
Wow.
That's very cool.
Yeah.
Now, what are you
still doing here?
What do you mean?
You should be over there.
That's where you ought to be.
Cheering her on.
That's where I want you to be.
Go on. Go.
I can hold down the fort here
for 20 minutes.
Wish her luck for me.
Okay.
Whoa, hold it.
Oh, you're not serious.
No!
Okay, great.
I've got I.D. For once.
Thanks.
So, it's a good crowd out there.
Anna, what are you doing?
What's wrong?
I can't do this.
Since when do you get nervous?
No, I really can't.
Come on, you rock
harder than anyone I know.
Well, the rocking may be
in short supply tonight, girls.
- What do you mean?
- I'm just not myself.
Anna, I know you're stressing.
We all are, and I know that
maybe it won't be brilliant,
but we'll forgive each other.
We'll find some way
to laugh about it.
Right now, I just really want us
to take this shot, okay?
We'll still love you,
even if it blows.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay, I'll try.
I mean, how hard can it be?
So don't forget
we changed the chord
progression in the first verse
from C-C-D to C-D-C.
You play notes?
I mean, I just thought we
could play in the key of "rock"!
Yeah, okay.
Let's fix your hair.
Yeah, what's with the bun?
Mrs. Coleman!
Jake, stop!
You're running away from him.
Jake, if you like me at all,
you will just leave me alone.
Yeah, but...
Please, no!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
the next act in the KllSFM
Wango Tango auditions,
from right here in Los Angeles,
let's give it up for Pink Slip!
Do something!
- What are you doing?
- I can't do this!
No, it's okay.
I unplugged you.
Just fake it.
I don't even know
how to do that.
You can't tell me you never
went to a rock concert.
- I saw the Stones once.
- Great!
Just go out and act like Keith!
Keith, right, yeah.
Richards, Mom!
I knew that.
Just go act like Keith.
Act like Keith.
Not the behavior?
No, just the playing!
Now get out there!
Your solo's coming!
Whoo!
Anna, you rock!
It's early, but I think
you are definitely in.
All right!
- Are we in?
- Yes!
Oh, it was terrifying.
I had no idea what it takes.
- The guts.
- Thanks.
It's exciting.
Your music.
- It's not noise?
- Most definitely not noise.
Oh, my God!
Ryan!
Anna?
My first wedding
went like this, you know.
My first wedding
went like this, you know.
- Like what?
- She ran away with the florist.
Whole thing
went right down the tubes.
Don't make me hurt you.
There she is.
Look, look, look.
Mom, what's wrong?
I have to ask you
to do something for me.
Sure, whatever. After what you
just did for me, anything.
It needs to happen before
the toasts and speeches.
Okay.
Clearly, we're not
switching back tonight.
I need you to tell Ryan you
need to postpone the wedding.
What?
No, listen, I can see
you're not ready for this.
And I can wait.
I guess I was so happy,
I wasn't thinking about
what's best for you and Harry.
But, Mom.
If he loves me like I think
he does, he'll wait, too.
He'll understand.
He'll be very sweet
and gracious about it.
But please.
Just please let him know
that I love him.
And be as kind as you
possibly can for me.
Okay, Mom.
I know exactly what to say.
I'll be along in a minute.
You should sit down.
[Glass dings]
Hi.
I guess
I'm gonna start the toasts.
So, three years ago,
we had a really bad thing
happen in our family.
We lost a father and a husband,
and I didn't think we'd ever
be able to get over it.
But then...
This guy next to me
came into the picture.
And everybody could see
I was happy again.
I was singing
in the shower again.
Not well, I might add.
But I was still really worried
about my kids, Anna and Harry.
Whether they'd be able to accept
a new man in their life.
And now I know how Anna feels.
And what she feels is that...
No one could ever
take the place of her dad...
Because he was
a really great dad.
But somebody could be
part of a new family.
Its own kind of cool,
new, little unit.
And that for someone
as special as Ryan,
that we would all
just make a little room.
Anna really wanted her mom
to know that.
Earthquake!
Yeah!
And I am so psyched to be here!
I guess all I'm trying to say
is, Ryan, welcome to our family.
To the bride and groom.
What the hell just happened?
Trust me,
you don't want to know.
Thank you for everything.
I love you.
I love you, too.
What?
Go.
Go.
Hi.
Listen, I feel really stupid.
You know, it's just
yesterday was freaky,
and, I mean, I see your mom,
and I like her.
I mean, not "like her" like her,
but, you know, I mean,
like her as your mom.
Listen, do you think we could
just rewind this whole thing
and start again?
I'd like that.
You know, I've been thinking
about that kiss.
Kiss?
Remind me again how I did it.
In front of your mom?
It's okay.
She owes me.
Hey, why don't you ask
that girl to dance?
No way!
- Come on, go on over there.
- Stop bugging me.
Boy, it's true.
Youth is wasted on the young.
You go ask her, you old fart.
Now, wait a minute!
Why, if I was your age, oh!
Cookie?
Well, why, yes,
I don't mind if I do.
Mama! What are you doing?
Mama!
Grandpa! Harry!
No!
Okay!
- No.
- Anna.
Greet the day.
Honey, you gotta wake up.
Ow!
That's it!
Oh!
I have had it!
- Aah!
Anna, hurry up!
What?
I'm ready.
Would you settle on a station?
Okay!
I'm going to get
a little stud here, okay?
I don't want my maid of honor
looking like a harlot.
Come on, Mom.
Everyone's got one.
Everyone?
Harry, everyone has one.
I can't believe you!
You're ruining my life.
You know what?
End of discussion. Feet down.
Okay.
If I can drive.
- Did you bring your permit?
- No. I can't find it.
- You can't find it?
- Ha ha!
What did you do with it, troll?
Why do you always have
to blame him?
You couldn't find
anything in your room.
Why do you always take his side?
Oh, look, Anna,
let's not do this now, please.
And fix your shirt.
- Look, there's Stacey Hinkhouse.
- Joy.
Hi, Stacey.
Hi, Mrs. Coleman.
Congratulations on your big day.
Thanks a lot.
Say hi to your mom.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye. Hi, girls.
You never see Stacey anymore.
- How is she?
- Evil. She hates me now.
Why?
Would you leave
your brother alone?
See?
She always starts it.
Bye, honey.
Make good choices.
She had the same shirt?
Yeah, but this
looks okay, right?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
So it's cool?
- No.
- Oh, definitely not.
- Oh, kill me.
- Anna, what?
I can't believe it.
It's Jake.
He's gonna think I'm so stupid,
I can't even put on a shirt.
You've never even met the guy.
Guess what? He doesn't care.
He's not even looking.
He's totally looking.
- I think he's gonna talk to you.
- Shut up.
Oh! Thanks.
Sorry.
Why would I want
a leprechaun ice sculpture?
I'm not even Irish.
[Cellphone rings]
Could you hold on?
[Beeping]
Seora, Seora!
Cuidado!
Cuidado!
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry, sir.
Mr. Bates, I don't
understand this "F".
You missed
the point of the book.
It's "1984."
How could anyone miss it?
It's a blatant attack
on totalitarianism.
About a rigid society,
dominated by one all-powerful,
ego-tripping dictator.
My grade is final.
Except he had hair.
Anna!
Hello, Anna.
What do you have today?
Meat loaf.
Turkey.
[Humming]
Evan, I'm so sorry.
I had some car trouble.
Okay.
I thought you forgot about me.
I could never forget about you.
I see you every day.
What about tomorrow?
Is this new?
Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
You're gonna see me tomorrow,
but not next week,
because I'm going
on my honeymoon.
Oh, my God!
You're not coming back.
- All my therapists quit on me.
- I'm not gonna quit on you.
I'm gonna be available
on my cellphone.
I checked. There's no service
on the north side of the island.
It will be fine.
Okay.
I've had a better week.
You're counting the minutes,
aren't you?
No.
How many minutes are left?
All right,
this morning was good.
But then I got up.
Ohh!
Great.
No. No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I said no salmon.
No, it has to be halibut.
Well, I don't care
about the extra cost.
- How much is it?
- [Cellphone rings]
Hold on one second.
Hello?
Hi, Harry.
No, you may not touch
the power tools.
Yes, I would consider the
lawnmower to be a power tool.
Okay.
I'll see you at home.
- Okay. Halibut.
- [Beeping]
Could you hold on one second?
Hello.
Dr. Coleman.
Yes, Elizabeth.
Yes, Elizabeth, I'll be
at the appointment tomorrow.
Okay, good.
And, Elizabeth, remember,
you are a smart, strong,
beautiful, independent woman,
and you don't need
a man to complete you.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Excuse me.
Is this yours?
Thanks.
Tenor medium.
So, what do you play?
I play my dad's old Telecaster.
Nice.
Cute shirt.
Thanks.
So, you're in a band?
Sorta.
What do you mean, "sorta"?
Oh, we're still stuck
in our garage phase.
Ah, okay.
Well, if you ever get out
of your garage, let me know.
Yeah, totally.
You can come check me out.
I mean the band.
I'll be there, too,
if you want to come check.
I'm Anna.
Jake.
So, what do you say?
Do you want a ride?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Here you go.
You can wear my extra helmet.
Oh, I just realized
I have to meet my friends,
and they're waiting for me.
Your mom would kill you.
So dead and so grounded.
No, I get it.
Moms and motorcycles.
Yeah.
So, see you around.
Anna.
So, listen.
You like The Hives?
They're awesome.
Well, look,
I've got this import.
I was thinking if you wanted,
we could check it out.
Coleman.
One second.
If I were you, I would be
thinking less about boys
and a little more about
your honors qualifying exam.
I'm ready for the test,
Mr. Bates.
"Prepared" is to "you"
as "not" is to "test."
What does that mean?
Exactly.
[Engine revving]
[Tapping]
What are you doing?
Get out of my room!
Help me!
Mommy!
Stop! Anna!
Sing it on the second verse.
There she is.
Hey!
What happened?
Nothing.
Just taking care of my brother.
Thank you.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
Come here.
Oh, sweetheart.
All right. Ready?
I'm gonna give you three.
No. Ready?
One, two, three.
Oh, honey, go back inside.
I'll be right there.
Anna!
Hold still, honey, hold still.
I promise there will be
serious consequences for her.
Hey, Tessie!
Hey, Dad, you're early!
- What?
- You're early!
I can't...
You're early.
Hold on.
I need my glasses.
Grandpa!
Hey, monkey!
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
What is this?
One of them thongs?
I don't want to know.
What's up?
What's up?
- Hey, guys.
- You guys know these yard apes?
You're early.
What?
Glad you could make it.
I brought
an early wedding present.
What?
I thought I'd get
the author to sign it.
What?
- I thought I'd ask...
- I can't hear you. Hold on.
Let's get out of here.
What do you have
under your shirt?
Ryan, could you?
- Oh, bummer.
- Not again.
Time's up!
It's after 6:00!
Mmm!
Hey, guys.
You're gonna spoil your dinner.
You know, this Dad thing
can be hard or easy.
Don't let her see you.
Good, now we can hear.
Speak for yourself.
I could use those little notes.
She hates when I pull the plug.
Get ready for the fireworks.
Did I say hello?
I must have missed it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Get a room!
Go, go, go, go!
[Cellphone rings]
- This is...
- Just one second. One second.
Okay, but you owe me.
Hello.
Yes, this is she.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Yeah, great.
Thank you.
Thank you so, so much.
What?
You guys are never
gonna believe this.
One of the bands dropped out
of the Wango Tango auditions.
We are the first alternate.
Shut up!
That's awesome!
We have to check in at
the House of Blues by 7:00.
We're on at 7:45.
- When is it?
- Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow's Friday. That's
my mom's rehearsal dinner.
Anna, come on.
This is really important.
You know, don't worry.
I'll be there.
How can you? Aren't you
the maid of horror or something?
Honor. It's not the wedding.
It's the rehearsal.
Don't they make a big deal
out of the rehearsal,
like all your weird
relatives coming to town?
No, they don't.
There's my Anna Banana!
Give your Grampy Doodle
a big huggy-buggy.
Grandpa, over here.
Oh.
Hey, Gramps.
Don't worry.
I would never let you down.
Just don't cancel
the audition yet.
- I'm gonna talk to my mom.
- All right.
- We're screwed.
- Yep.
Yeah.
"I don't think he knows I exist.
It's stupid to think about him,
but I can't help it."
Jake! Ooh, Jake!
Get out of my room!
Oh! My... my...
Ah! Aaaaah!
She saw it.
I'm gonna check
out those Lakers.
I'm with you.
Mom!
Mom, did you see
what happened to my door?
I spoke to your principal.
What?
Just now on the phone.
Where's my door?
- Privacy is a privilege.
- Where is my door, Mom?
Your door will be
returned to you, Anna,
if and when you can explain...
You give me that door,
or I will kill myself.
Oh!
Can I watch?
- Harry!
- Shut up!
Aaaaah!
I think we can dispense
with the drama.
Maybe you can
calmly explain to me
why you were
in detention twice today.
Okay, I went to detention.
That was
because Stacey Hinkhouse
kept hitting me
with a volleyball.
When is this conflict with
Stacey Hinkhouse going to end?
Never, because she's
an insane, psycho freak.
You'd know that if you paid
a speck of attention.
Anna!
What?
I think you know I pay
attention, Anna.
Enough to know that you got
an "F" in English today.
Well, Mr. Bates
is out to get me.
Oh, him too?
Yeah.
He just looks
for ways to torture me.
Like today, the one time Jake
spoke to me, he totally...
Who's Jake?
He's just nobody.
You say
I'm not interested, Anna.
I'm interested.
Try me.
Okay, he's just this
really amazing guy, Mom.
Where'd you meet him?
Detention, but...
That's promising.
Do you see? Why do I
bother telling you anything?
Do you see? Why do I
bother telling you anything?
Okay.
Who's up for Chinese?
Aah!
You're ruining my life!
I'm moving out and never coming
back ever, ever, ever again!
- Hello. How are you?
- Hello, Pei-Pei.
Anna, Harry, you're so big now.
What happened?
Are you happy for your mommy?
About what?
Oh. [Laughs]
She's such a joker.
Who's catering?
Chinese food good luck.
- It's all planned already.
- Okay, how about me?
- I preordered the Peking duck.
- Joy.
- I know that's your favorite.
- Whatever.
- The wedding is in two days.
- Think about it.
See you soon.
Happy dining.
Anna, your door is
underneath the back stairs.
Like I didn't figure that out.
Stop groveling, man.
Let her come to you.
She'd come with a hatchet.
I think I'll
go check on that duck.
Anna.
Do you think
that your surliness
is the best way for you
to get what you want?
I'm sorry, Mom.
I really have
been stressing in school,
and I deserved every single one
of those trips to detention.
And I'm gonna apologize to
Stacey Hinkhouse and Mr. Bates.
I guess what I'm trying to say
is, I'll try and do better, Mom.
I'll really, really try.
All right, what do you want?
To go to this audition tomorrow
that we can never have
again at the House of Blues.
An audition, that's great.
Tomorrow? You mean
after the rehearsal dinner?
Well, during.
"During."
You mean as "instead of"?
Technically?
I need to talk to you right now.
- I'm gonna pass on that.
- Now!
Anna.
I am going
to make one final attempt
to understand
what goes on in your head.
Don't treat me like
your patients.
- What?
- All calm and reasonable.
Let's talk.
I want to understand.
I really do
want to understand, Anna!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Oh, Mama,
stay out of it, please.
- Mama.
- Okay, fine.
They're gonna pick one local
band to play at Wango Tango.
We were lucky to make this cut.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime
chance. Please.
Why can't I just go?
Please.
What I hear
is that my special night
means absolutely nothing to you.
I don't have to ask if my band
means anything to you.
It's clear
you think we're all noise.
Look, I'm a walrus.
- I do not!
- Do too!
Anna, I let you practice
in the garage.
Anna, stop.
What?
Let's talk about what
this is really about.
This is about your dad.
Mom, stop shrinking me.
It's not about Dad.
It's about the audition!
You're ruining my life!
Enough with the drama.
Anna, high school
is not that hard.
You couldn't last one day
in my high school.
I could, and I would do it
without getting a detention.
I'm sorry I'm the one thing
in your life that isn't perfect!
You think my life is perfect?
I know your life is perfect.
Your perfect job,
perfect boyfriend,
perfect patients who worship
the ground you walk on.
You need a serious
and bracing reality check
if you think my life is perfect!
You can cut me some
slack this once.
I am beyond
cutting you slack, Anna.
You are not
going to the audition.
- I am!
- No, you're not!
- Why not?
- Because I said so!
Cookie?
This isn't really a good time.
Now a good time.
[Speaking Chinese]
Okay, okay.
Thank you.
Anna, for one day,
the entirety of our life
is not gonna be
focused on you.
Yeah, it's all about
Ryan now, isn't it?
Anna!
Get away.
Honey!
"A journey soon begins,
its prize reflected
in another's eyes.
When what you see
is what you lack,
then selfless love
will change you back."
Whatever.
Honey?
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Whew.
Come on.
- Did you feel that?
- Feel what?
- There was an earthquake.
- No, there wasn't.
Yes, there was.
What are they talking about?
An earthquake.
An earthquake?
No.
There was no earthquake.
You didn't feel it?
No.
I don't think so.
Oh, God, I didn't get
the dry cleaning.
I'll have to do that on the way
home, and call the mechanic
and the florist.
Okay, better get up.
I'd better...
Why am I in Anna's room?
What happened last night?
Did I pass out in here?
Oh, I have no memory of this!
This isn't mine!
Those aren't mine!
That's not mine.
That's definitely not mine.
Aaaaah!
Anna, come here quick.
Mom's dead.
I'm dead?
Come on, hurry!
See?
She's not moving.
Oh, my God.
No, wait, it's breathing.
I'm not dead.
What?
Right.
Her chest is moving, honey, see?
You called me "honey."
Right...
Are you sick?
I hope so.
Or dreaming.
Hon.
Harry,
go get your own breakfast.
You can eat Anna's cereal.
My cereal.
Cool.
Hello?
Hello in there?
Wake up, honey.
Wake up.
Wake up!
That is it.
[Groaning] Oh.
Oh, could I just have,
like, one minute, please?
Honey.
Look, I think
something's happened to us.
What are you?
It's me. Mom.
You're not my mother.
Yes, I am.
Get away, you clone freak!
Don't you use that tone with me.
Oh, my God, you are my mother.
And you're not
who you think you are.
Look at me!
We seem to be inside each other.
I'm old!
I beg your pardon!
Oh, I'm like the Cryptkeeper!
Okay, that's enough.
Aah!
I want my body back.
And I don't want mine?
My wedding's tomorrow.
Oh, my God!
My wedding's tomorrow.
I can't marry Ryan.
Ew!
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay what?
I have no idea.
Mom, maybe we should go
to the emergency room.
Oh, no.
All that will get us
is a 72-hour lockdown
in the psych ward
and a Thorazine drip.
No, we're not going anywhere.
Okay.
So you're in my body,
and I'm in your body.
Why don't we, like...
Yes, yes, I see
what you're saying.
A jolt.
Okay. You go over there,
and I go over here.
Okay, now when I say go.
Ready?
- Yeah.
- Go.
Hey, Mom, can I...
Okay.
Okay, that was stupid.
Harry!
I was just teaching
Mom some new dance moves.
What do you want, punk?
You cannot talk to him
like that.
He thinks you're his mother.
We're gonna to have to tell him.
We're not going to tell anyone.
They'll think we're crazy.
Maybe we are crazy.
I for one am not crazy.
I'm merely a grown woman
trapped in my daughter's body.
Oh, God, I am crazy.
Grandpa,
could you pass the milk?
Okay. Harry's still Harry,
and Grandpa's still Grandpa.
So it's just us.
What did we do wrong?
I don't know.
Grandpa, pass the milk!
Grandpa, pass the milk!
Earthquake.
Earthquake!
Earthquake?
House of Chang!
- Nobody felt it but us.
- Earthquake!
Earthquake, earthquake!
Honey!
Okay.
I'll take you.
I guess you're not ready yet.
Sweetheart.
What are you doing here?
I thought you said
you needed a ride to work.
Right, Mom.
I guess you better hurry up.
Get a grip.
I am not...
Darling.
Could you,
like, chill for a sec?
Sure, sure, I'll chill.
- You're going.
- I'll, like, go get your dad.
Alan, that's not our car!
The earthquake and then
Pei-Pei's crazy mother
pointing at me and you.
And what was she
mumbling about in Chinese?
She did something.
Some strange Asian voodoo.
What are we gonna do now?
I can't go to school like this.
You have to.
You're on the verge
of suspension,
and you have your honors
qualifying exam today.
All the more reason
to stay home.
I could go and
take the exam for you.
I'm sure a high test
would be simple for me.
Are you kidding?
You think you can be me?
Of course I can.
Watch me.
"Oh, everyone's out to get me.
You're ruining my life."
It's easy to be you.
I'll suck the fun
out of everything.
I do not suck the fun
out of everything.
- Fun sucker.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
I will go to school,
and you will stay right...
- What?
- Evan.
- Evan? Who's Evan?
- My neediest patient.
I've been seeing him every day
for three years.
Ooh, bummer.
Maybe just my face
would be reassuring.
No way. Unh-unh.
I am not babysitting
some 40-year-old wack job.
What am I supposed
to say to the freak?
Nothing. You are in no way
to give anyone any advice.
That would be unethical.
Just listen attentively,
nod occasionally,
and if you must speak,
simply say,
"How do you feel about that?"
You're serious.
You really
want us to be each other?
We will get through
this morning as each other,
and we will go to the restaurant
at lunch and get switched back.
Go get dressed.
Well, good luck getting
dressed without a door.
Thank you.
[Anna screaming]
Oh, boy.
You'll get used to it.
What?
You pierced your navel?
Yeah. I meant to talk
to you about that.
- When did you do this?
- At Maddie's cousin's sweet 16.
Well, when you get
your body back, it's grounded.
And what are you doing?
I don't know why you never wear
these. They're cute.
Yeah, if you're selling Bibles.
And what did you do to my hair?
I've been dying
to comb these rats out.
Now you can see
your pretty face.
And what is this?
Oh, I fixed your jeans.
My patients are not
going to pay $ 150 an hour
to get therapy from a stripper.
All right.
I'll drab up.
I'll grunge down.
Go.
What's up?
[Radio stations switching]
Feet down.
Harry, could you settle down?
Bite me!
Do you see what he
does behind your back?
Anna!
Mom.
Excuse me.
And while I'm apologizing,
let me just say to the whole car
how truly sorry I am
for being such an insane
control freak all the time.
You're not controlling, Mom.
I'm the one
who should be apologizing
for my flagrant disregard for
anyone's feelings but my own.
Well, at least you have
a great sense of style.
- Not like me.
- Enough.
Platinum, cool.
Don't even think about it.
Am I supposed to follow this?
It's nothing, darling.
One more day.
Yeah, it's great we're
getting married, isn't it?
Even though my husband died.
How quickly I've been
able to get over it.
Just pull up here.
Mom, out of the car.
If you manage to alienate
Ryan in my body.
I'll be nice.
But don't kiss him.
Oh, Mom, I just had breakfast.
That's disgusting.
Nice.
Okay. Here is the number
for the cab company.
I want you back here
at 11:45 sharp.
All right.
- Do you understand?
- All right!
What is that tone?
Are you using a tone with me?
Oh, my God.
Can I go?
Why?
What are you so anxious about?
Hey, Anna.
Do you know him?
Kinda.
That's Jake.
- No, no.
- You gotta give him a chance.
That is the last thing
I'm going to give him.
- You don't even know him.
- I know he's too old for you.
My God, he's coming over.
Say hi.
Say hi back,
or I break up with Ryan.
- Hi, Jake.
- Hey.
So.
Oh, this is my mother,
Dr. Coleman.
Hi.
Hi.
- It's a great bike.
- What?
Not like I've ever been on it.
I'm not allowed.
I mean I'm allowed
because I'm old.
I gotta go.
Bye.
Walk with him.
Harry, do you know who that is?
Anna's got a boyfriend.
K-l-S-S-l-N-G.
Okay, where are we going next?
Harry's school?
Oh, he can walk from here.
It's 20 blocks!
Fresh air will do you good.
What about bullies?
Run fast.
Tess, look, really, it's
no trouble to drive him.
Whatever.
Hey, I've got The Hives for you.
I beg your pardon?
- The CD.
- Oh, yeah, that.
They're coming
to town next week.
- I was wondering if...
- That's a nice thought.
I'm sure with a haircut
you'd look presentable.
But I need to focus
on my schoolwork,
and truth be told,
you're way too old for me.
But thanks anyway, Jason.
It's Jake.
Hello.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Hi.
Hello.
Stacey!
Hi, how are you?
Oh, wonderful.
Stacey, what are you doing?
Run away.
- Are you okay, Anna?
- God!
I am appalled Stacey
would do something like that.
Yeah, shocker.
Oh, I am going
to be calling her mother.
Forget about that.
We'll get her later.
We saw you.
- Saw me what?
- With Jake.
- Give us the dirty details.
- Excuse me?
Did you make a move?
- Is that something I would do?
- It's something you should do.
No, no, no.
I don't believe
in physical contact
with the opposite sex
at all, ever.
Nothing.
And you girls would do
well to follow my example.
Well.
- Whoa, whoa!
- What?
Cold sore, cold sore.
- Where?
- I feel it coming on there.
- Big oozer.
- I don't care.
I'm thinking of you, really.
You.
Okay. Okay.
Good thing, I guess.
You need a ride home, or are you
gonna pick up the Volvo?
Oh, I will most definitely
be picking up the Volvo.
Ow!
Hey. How's it going?
- Uh! What?
Dr. Coleman's office.
Hi.
This is Dr. Dunn's office.
I am calling to confirm
your root canal appointment.
Root canal?
That's not fair!
They're not my teeth.
Okay, I'm not sure...
No.
No, I'm cutting the dentist.
- You mean you're canceling?
- Yeah, cancel.
Like I'm going to take
that bullet. Please!
Evan.
No. Boris.
Line 27.
- Thanks.
- There you go.
Whoa!
She's blind!
Oh, this sucks.
Wanna get that?
No way. I'm not answering
that thing again.
Good to see you.
Okay.
You're here.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm here, and you're here.
You look fantastic.
Why?
Are you canceling the session?
No, Kevin.
Evan!
Evan. Evan.
So, shall we go in here
and do it?
Are you gonna get that?
No.
Oh, so you
don't answer your phone.
I told you I wouldn't be able
to call you on your honeymoon,
but you lied to me.
You're a liar!
I'll get it.
Yo.
What?
$ 10,000? For what?
Halibut!
Ew!
What kind of caterer are you?
It's disgusting.
Well, I'm not gonna pay for it.
Okay, fine. Don't show up.
See if I care.
Yeah, I'm canceling.
Yeah, well, same to you, dude.
So, Ethan.
Evan!
Evan.
I knew that.
Bates. I've seen him before.
Where have I seen him before?
Like, every day
in this torture chamber.
So, did you talk to your mom?
Today is a lovely day
for a pop quiz.
All of you should have finished
reading "Hamlet" by now.
I'm going to ask each
one of you one question,
and you will be graded
according to your answer.
Oh, thank God it's "Hamlet."
I was in that play in high...
I just know the play.
Like that'll help you.
Mr. Waters, describe
the character of Hamlet.
Hamlet.
He's, uh...
he's one of the big characters.
I mean, he's Hamlet.
He's just bopping around,
doesn't know which way's up.
I don't think
the guy's got a clue.
You mean to say
that he is a man...
Yeah.
Who couldn't make up his...
- mind.
- Mind.
Exactly.
Very good.
All right.
- "B."
- Yeah.
Ms. Coleman.
Yes, Mr. Bates?
What are the central
conflicts in "Hamlet"?
Well, political, of course,
because Claudius usurped
his father's throne.
Oedipal, because of the
undercurrents with his mother.
Then there is the timeless
question of insanity.
Is he really seeing his father's
ghost, or is he simply mad?
That is seriously overreaching.
"F."
- "F"?
- "F."
Mr. Franelli, who is Fortinbras?
I started reading your new book,
and it just makes me feel
really depressed.
And how do you feel about that?
Depressed.
[Mumbling incoherently]
And how do you feel about that?
She and her best friend
aren't speaking, Doctor.
And in her diary,
she keeps mentioning this boy.
How do you feel about that?
Well, I'm worried.
You read her diaries?
Oh, that's gross!
That's bad.
"Bad Mom" award.
But I'm concerned, Doctor,
that she and this boy might be,
I mean, you know.
Stop! Stop!
Nothing is going on
between her and this guy.
If there was, she wouldn't be
writing about it.
She'd be out there doing it.
Her best friend
probably isn't talking to her
because she probably
likes this guy, too.
And he probably flirted
with her a little,
but he secretly
likes your daughter.
He hasn't made his move yet
because that wouldn't be cool.
So now her best friend is
acting like some psycho freak.
Okay?
That's very interesting.
I never would have
thought about it that way.
Cool.
Guess we're done.
Mr. Bates, may I please
speak with you?
I think that would be fairly
pointless, but go ahead.
By what stretch
of the imagination...
I mean, like, how could I,
like, get an "F"?
What mistakes did I make?
Grading is subjective.
That was
a college-level analysis.
And you're qualified
to make that assessment?
I most certainly am.
Well, in the words of Hamlet,
"What's done is done."
That's "Macbeth,"
you know-nothing twit.
Bates.
Elton Bates.
Griffith High School.
How do you know that?
Well, you asked me,
I mean, my mom to the prom,
but she turned you down.
This is not
an appropriate subject.
You're taking it out
on her daughter, aren't you?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
It was a high school dance.
You've got to let it
go and move on, man.
And if you don't, I'm sure the
school board would love to hear
about your pathetic vendetta
against an innocent student.
Oh, and by the way, Elton,
she had a boyfriend,
and you were weird.
That was amazing.
You totally destroyed him.
I don't think Elton Bates
will be giving me much trouble.
That's so weird about your mom.
- Oh, yeah, what did she say?
- About what?
- About the audition.
- Oh, right. She said no.
What?
Well, it is
her rehearsal dinner.
Don't you think
that's rather important, too?
And you told her?
You told her this chance
would never come again?
- She sympathizes.
- Don't give us this.
She is totally
ruining our lives.
You're the culprit.
Yeah, your mom
has never cared about our music.
Never cared?
Never cared?
Who do you think paid
for those guitar lessons?
And did she ever hear
a "thank you"? No.
Come on, you said it yourself.
Your mom hasn't paid
attention to you
since she started
dating that guy.
That's not true.
Well, you talk about it enough.
I do?
What is up with you today?
You act like you don't even
care about this band.
Look, girls... guys,
if it were any other night.
Whatever, Anna.
God.
[Tires squealing in distance]
[Car horns honking,
alarm sounding]
[Rock music blaring]
- You picked up my car!
- Yeah.
Get out of the car.
I'm driving.
Oh, my God.
What have you done to me?
Do you like it?
Get out of the car right now!
Do you have your permit?
No.
My hair.
It's gone!
What have you done to my ear?
Mom, it's an earring!
Take it out right now!
No.
It looks cool.
Don't start with me.
Those clothes
are going back tomorrow!
Why? Everyone likes them.
You look great.
I look like Stevie Nicks.
Who's he?
- What are you doing with this?
- I'm eating.
You cannot eat fast food.
Why not?
Because it will
go down your throat
and drop instantly to my thighs.
- Oh, come on.
- Watch the road.
Oh, this food may make
you blow up like a balloon,
but it will do nothing
whatsoever to me.
Oh, Mom!
Oh, God, this is good.
Mom, that's not fair.
My first french fry
in eight years.
I can hear
the "Hallelujah Chorus."
Road!
Oh, hi, hi.
You back so soon.
Sexy new look for you,
Mrs. Coleman.
You look hot.
- Two for lunch?
- No, Pei-Pei.
We'd like to speak
to you about something
we think happened
to us at your restaurant.
- Something that sucks.
- Let me handle this.
Okay.
When we woke up this morning,
we weren't ourselves.
Yeah.
Oh. Mama!
Hey, hey!
You come back here.
Hello, hello.
Did you give them
the fortune cookie?
What did she say?
Oh.
She's crazy.
Well?
She don't know what
you're talking about.
Okay, let's have lunch.
Let's eat.
You know exactly
what we're talking about.
Let's hit her.
Okay, okay.
I cannot fix it.
Only you can fix it.
When the fortune come true,
then you go back.
What fortune?
From the fortune cookie.
You find the answer
in each other.
When the fortune come true,
then you go back, okay?
No big deal.
You mean, we're stuck
in this suck-fest?
You're not going to do anything?
How about 10% off catering?
No, Pei-Pei, we have a caterer.
Actually, Mom, there's something
I forgot to tell you.
Okay, good idea, how about I do?
- What did that fortune say?
- Like I remember?
- I don't remember, either.
- Oh, I hate this!
I don't wanna get married at 15!
It's not even legal!
I want my room back.
I want my friends.
I want to eat whatever
I want when I want.
Mommy.
I know, sweetie.
It's a hard day.
We'll get through it.
Breathe.
Deep breath.
We'll go home
and find the fortune.
[Cellphone ringing,
beeping]
- Make it stop!
- Oh, my organizer.
It's been going off all day.
Parent-teacher conference!
I completely forgot!
You have to be at Harry's
school in 15 minutes.
No!
I hate teachers!
You have to go.
I'll go to your school.
I'll take your exam,
and everything will be okay.
Okay, let's go.
Mom?
Yeah. Whatever.
Mrs. Coleman.
All right, let's do this thing.
Okay.
Well, what can I say
about Harry?
He is a sweet boy.
But he's having a little
trouble with bullies.
So?
That's character-building.
Kid needs to toughen up.
He's kind of a wimp.
So, that's it?
I can go?
No, not exactly.
Harry's very bright,
but he's having a
problem applying himself,
particularly in Math.
So, hold him back.
I mean, he's short.
He'll fit in,
you know what I mean?
Well, you know,
he's very good in English.
I had the class write an essay
on who they admire most,
and he wrote a wonderful
paper about your daughter.
So, what'd she say?
She showed me the paper
you wrote about Anna.
- You saw that?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, don't tell her I like her.
Well, why not?
Because we have
too much fun fighting.
You know, kid, you are way more
twisted than I thought.
Good try!
- Oh, man!
- Loser!
Good luck flunking.
Stacey, I want to talk to you.
Come here.
Why this falling out?
We were best friends
in sixth grade.
I know I got
involved with my music,
and you became involved
with your cheerleading,
but why does this
have to be World War III?
All those years
of trick-or-treating
and sleepovers.
Don't you remember any of it?
I know I do.
I mean, how do you
feel about that?
All right, let's all
take our seats for the test.
Sit with me?
Communication.
That's all it takes.
Hey, there you are.
Ooh! You again.
Look at you.
Love the hair.
Got a surprise.
You're gonna be happy with me.
I seriously doubt that.
Great dress. Sexy.
Oozing sore!
I don't see anything.
Makeup! Great stuff!
Hey, take it easy, stud.
Save it for the honeymoon.
You know what?
We have to go anyway.
Oh, no, I have to get
that fortune thingy.
No time.
I've got my sweater on.
No, no.
I have to...
We have to leave.
We'll spoil the surprise.
- Watch your step.
- Okay.
- Watch your step.
- Okay.
- Watch your step.
- Okay!
- Still got your eyes closed?
- Yeah.
All right, okay, relax.
Open them.
You're on
"The Dottie Robertson Show."
They had
a last-second cancellation.
I got you on.
To talk about that book?
Break a leg.
I didn't want to say anything.
We're ready for you now.
I know you get nervous,
but you're gonna be great.
I'm gonna barf!
Go get 'em!
- Watch your step. This way.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not that person.
- Right there.
There you go.
Oh, sorry.
Now, makeup's gonna
come to you, sweetie, okay?
What is this thing?
"Through the Looking Glass.
Senescence."
Se-nes-cence?
Seeny-sincey?
What?
"The sum of
the areas of the shaded regions
in terms of 'D' is equal to
A, 'D' squared times the sum
of pi divided by four minus
'D' divided by two.
B, 'D' squared
times the sum of pi cubed
divided by 'D' minus two."
Now, what is pi again?
Three-point-something?
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I've never used pi.
Anna's never gonna use pi!
Why is it called pi anyway?
Okay, focus.
Or "C, 'D' cubed minus
the sum of pi squared.
Psst!
Miss Brown,
she's copying my test!
- Hey, cheater.
- I did not cheat.
That Stacey Hinkhouse
is conniving.
It's your business.
I did not cheat.
Don't you smirk at me.
If you're so perfect,
why are you
in detention all the time?
I'm not in detention.
I work here.
What would you say if I told you
I could help finish your test?
Really?
Yeah.
You know, my publisher doesn't
think anybody's gonna know
what the word
"senescence" means.
Do you know what it means?
No.
Please do sit still.
Okay.
All right, they keep
the tests in the file room.
We're going through here?
They're so burned out
they won't notice. Trust me.
All right, all right, all right.
Coleman.
Anna Coleman.
Oh, my gosh, thank you.
Now hurry up
and finish your test.
You really are something, Jake.
I'll watch the door.
Back from commercial in 10.
Loved your book.
I actually read this one.
That makes one of us.
Ready and three, two.
Hi. Welcome back.
We're here with
Dr. Tess Coleman,
author of
"Through the Looking Glass,
Senescence in Retrograde."
So, Doctor, tell us
about your new book.
Well.
I wrote it.
Yes, you did.
But tell us,
what got you interested
in the physical and
intellectual exhaustion
that seems to overcome
those of us
who are, let's say,
no longer 20.
Senescence, like senile!
Old people!
Got it!
Got it!
And let's face it,
we are tired much of the time.
That's why I've been craving
caffeine all day.
I thought I was dying.
But you still haven't answered
the fundamental question.
Why are we so tired?
Well, of course we're tired
because of our demanding
and hectic...
Do you want to know why adults
are so tired all the time?
Because they spend
their time obsessing
about these stupid, lame things
they don't really have to do.
Like cooking.
I mean, have you never
heard of takeout?
And cleaning?
Let's don't and say we did!
And quality time with your kids?
You know what?
Quit bugging 'em!
Leave 'em alone!
They like it!
I don't remember reading
any of this in your book.
Hello? It's called
reading between the lines!
Oh, my God.
What?
That's my mom.
Try listening
to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs,
The Vines, The Breeders.
And if you're excited
about something,
why do you have to hold
it in all the time?
You know, just scream about it!
Okay, do this with me.
Let's just say this
cute guy asks you out.
What are you gonna do?
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
That was pathetic!
You keep all that bottled up,
no wonder you're getting old!
I'm serious!
This guy's hot!
What are you gonna do?
God, your mom's cool.
I can't hear you!
Whoo!
Oh, she is dead.
Worse than dead.
She will spend the next year
in a phoneless,
dateless, Amish existence.
I've gotta get home.
I've gotta get home.
Listen, I need you
to give me a ride.
I thought your mom
didn't want you on a bike.
You're a little
too virtuous, kid.
You know what?
I'm late for my second job.
Just give me the ride.
I know my mother
will understand.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
You seem really different than
the person I thought you were.
I saw what you
did to Stacey's test.
I think you're right.
You're too young for me.
But I don't know why I did that.
It's really not like me.
Honestly.
Good luck, Anna.
Come on!
They'll let her retake the test!
Ohh!
That's the first time Tessie's
work hasn't put me to sleep.
I might even read
one of those books.
Hey, is Dr. Coleman
coming out soon?
Dottie had her escorted from
the building 10 minutes ago.
But she rocks, doesn't she?
Look, she signed my butt!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Can I have
a quad-choc-caramel latte?
Mrs. Coleman?
Jake!
What are you doing here?
I work here.
Hey, I caught the show.
Man, you sure were great.
Thanks.
How was Anna today?
I mean, was she nice to you?
She was stressing a little,
but you know how it is
with school.
Okay, 'cause if she wasn't,
I'd have to punish her.
You punish her?
No mom who listens to The Vines
would punish anybody.
- You like The Vines?
- I got the bootlegs!
Shut up!
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Oh, Anna Banana, it's you.
- Where's Mom?
- She ditched us at the studio.
Harry, get down from
the table this instant!
I'm imitating Mom.
You should've seen her today!
She was so cool!
Whoo! Whoo!
Ramones?
Love.
White Stripes?
Can't stand 'em.
I know! Me neither.
I mean, get a bass player.
I love this song.
Am I so lame that I would
love "Baby, One More Time"?
No, this cover's a classic.
I gotta go.
What?
Don't go.
No, no.
I have a wedding rehearsal.
Okay, whose?
Mine.
Are you serious?
I wish I wasn't.
You're not really
getting married, are you?
This was so fun, and I'm
gonna remember it forever.
- Okay, but you can't...
- Jake...
Look, I don't know
what's going on.
I don't know what
this whole thing is.
I feel like I know you.
I have to go.
Really, I just...
Please.
Just please.
Let me at least
give you a ride.
Okay.
Here you are,
you little monster.
Okay.
Tess!
Tess!
Tess!
Where have you been?
You needed to be dressed
a half hour ago!
You tell me where you've
been, young lady!
Young lady?
Role-playing!
Her idea.
New therapeutic technique.
Switching points of view.
If I switch with Harry,
do I have to wear a thong?
[Mockingly]
Earthquake! Save me!
Get back here, you little.
Where do I even begin?
Could it be your
career-killing TV appearance,
your nonstop partying
with my car and wallet,
or, perhaps, my body's
makeover from hell?
Are you listening
to a word I'm saying?
Yes.
And get that cheap stud
out of my ear.
Mom, he is so awesome.
- Who?
- Jake.
Please, Mommy, can I
go out with him? Please?
Not in Ryan's
fiance's body, you can't.
What am I supposed to
do in Ryan's fiance's body?
Go to this thing tonight?
Be you?
That's today.
What about tomorrow, Mom?
I really don't want
to get married.
I don't think you're thrilled
about me getting married
either, Anna.
Why?
Why can't we talk about this?
What is it about
Ryan you don't like?
He's fine.
But he's not your father.
Mom, look, I don't wanna talk
about this now.
Time's running out to talk
about it. Please, tell me.
Mom, do what you want.
Marry the dude.
Just don't make me do it.
Tess?
[Mockingly]
Privacy's a privilege, Anna.
Tess?
Go.
Yo, sup?
I'm not really
a prying kind of guy,
but I was wondering
what you were doing
on the eve of our wedding
straddling some guy on the
back of a big, black Harley.
Hello?
It was a Ducati.
Is there something
you'd like to tell me?
Some fantasy you're trying
to get out of your system?
Because I'd like
to know about it now.
I just needed a ride.
I didn't really
even know the guy.
I didn't know what...
He's a friend of mine, Ryan.
He likes me.
And my mom wouldn't
let me go out with him,
so I just had to beg her
to check him out for me.
And she did.
And she actually came to find
that he's a very
together young man.
And she approves.
Really?
Really.
Snap!
Uh-huh.
So, let's do this thingy!
- You mean our wedding rehearsal?
- Yeah, whatever.
Excuse me.
Ooh!
What are you doing?
Shotgun!
I want to talk to your mom.
- Are you insane?
- I know I am.
What are you thinking?
How can you entertain ideas
about you and a woman her age?
What are you talking about?
She looks great.
Really? Wow.
No!
You have to disappear!
I know
it's unconventional, okay?
And I know nothing can happen.
I'm not stupid.
I just want to know her.
I want to talk to her.
Do not come near
my mother or her fianc!
Do you understand?
I don't understand anything.
For God's sake, you really need
to find someone your own age.
Anna, you're beautiful, okay?
But you're not her.
Stop it! Promise you'll
leave my mother alone.
Anna Banana!
I'll give you one thing.
I'll give you one thing.
He definitely likes you
for your mind.
Come on!
Come on!
All right, let's do this.
Oh, well, there we go.
Oh, I'll have one.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Did you bring it?
Right here.
Can you get away?
Well, I'd love to.
It's just that
I'm meeting thousands
of 100-year-old people.
Those are Ryan's parents.
Hi.
- Doesn't make them any less old.
- Ryan.
Do you think I could borrow
my mother for just one minute?
Sure.
Ow!
Okay, there's gotta be
some clue here.
"A journey soon begins,
its prize reflected
in another's eyes."
Okay, that was the switch.
Oh, let me see.
Okay, blah, blah.
"Lack, then selfless love
will change you back."
So that means
we're stuck like this forever.
Now is not a moment
for your negativity.
Let's try to be selfless.
Give me your hands.
I'm being selfless.
Are you being selfless?
Yeah, I'm being selfless.
You're not doing a good job.
We're still here.
Oh, right.
So now it's my fault.
Why is everything always...
It's Jake!
He must've followed us.
Mom, what're we gonna do?
Mom?
Mom!
Shh! Shh!
Don't scream.
Just listen to us.
We are half a block
from the House of Blues.
Tell 'em you're going to
the bathroom, do the song,
you'll be back before
they know you've gone.
I tried to learn your solo,
and I suck.
Two bands have gone,
and they both blew.
We might have a chance
if you come.
When I say I can't,
you don't know the half of it.
Don't make me do this.
What are you doing?
If Ryan sees you here,
it will blow everything.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just,
when I look into your eyes...
Stop it!
Jake, believe me, it is not
me you like, it's Anna.
No, you're the exciting one.
The musical one.
Actually, I learned it from her.
I'm tone-deaf.
- Tess?
- Shh. Don't move.
Tess?
Oh, found it!
- Found what?
- My earring.
I thought I lost it.
Anna's friends decided to crash.
You guys!
You know anything about this?
Well, I think they're trying
to get Anna to go to an audition
which had to be tonight,
but I said no.
She had to stay here.
- You're kidding.
- No, that's how it went down.
I know it's not important to you
and that she's just a girl
in a stupid band.
Look, Dr. Coleman, dude,
I'm really sorry,
but couldn't we borrow
Anna for 20 minutes?
We'd never ask you, or
anybody for anything ever again.
I am appalled at you two.
I clearly said...
Go.
What?
Go.
Ryan.
What are you still doing here?
Go! Right now!
Thank you so much!
I told you he wouldn't
totally ruin your life!
Mister Dude, you rock!
Thanks, Mitch.
Are you mad?
No.
Do you, like, not want
to get married now?
No.
No, I don't, not if you're
gonna put me in this role.
What role?
The role of
insensitive stepfather
who couldn't care less or
thinks it's a stupid band,
or any of the preposterous
things you just said.
How can you say I don't care?
I'm not that guy.
If that's who you think I am,
this is never gonna work.
When I fell in love with you,
I knew you came with a family,
and I respect
the hell out of that.
You've always
put the kids first.
That's exactly how it should be.
That's how I want it.
I never pushed Anna
because I want her to like me
on her own terms,
in her own way.
Wow.
That's very cool.
Yeah.
Now, what are you
still doing here?
What do you mean?
You should be over there.
That's where you ought to be.
Cheering her on.
That's where I want you to be.
Go on. Go.
I can hold down the fort here
for 20 minutes.
Wish her luck for me.
Okay.
Whoa, hold it.
Oh, you're not serious.
No!
Okay, great.
I've got I.D. For once.
Thanks.
So, it's a good crowd out there.
Anna, what are you doing?
What's wrong?
I can't do this.
Since when do you get nervous?
No, I really can't.
Come on, you rock
harder than anyone I know.
Well, the rocking may be
in short supply tonight, girls.
- What do you mean?
- I'm just not myself.
Anna, I know you're stressing.
We all are, and I know that
maybe it won't be brilliant,
but we'll forgive each other.
We'll find some way
to laugh about it.
Right now, I just really want us
to take this shot, okay?
We'll still love you,
even if it blows.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay, I'll try.
I mean, how hard can it be?
So don't forget
we changed the chord
progression in the first verse
from C-C-D to C-D-C.
You play notes?
I mean, I just thought we
could play in the key of "rock"!
Yeah, okay.
Let's fix your hair.
Yeah, what's with the bun?
Mrs. Coleman!
Jake, stop!
You're running away from him.
Jake, if you like me at all,
you will just leave me alone.
Yeah, but...
Please, no!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
the next act in the KllSFM
Wango Tango auditions,
from right here in Los Angeles,
let's give it up for Pink Slip!
Do something!
- What are you doing?
- I can't do this!
No, it's okay.
I unplugged you.
Just fake it.
I don't even know
how to do that.
You can't tell me you never
went to a rock concert.
- I saw the Stones once.
- Great!
Just go out and act like Keith!
Keith, right, yeah.
Richards, Mom!
I knew that.
Just go act like Keith.
Act like Keith.
Not the behavior?
No, just the playing!
Now get out there!
Your solo's coming!
Whoo!
Anna, you rock!
It's early, but I think
you are definitely in.
All right!
- Are we in?
- Yes!
Oh, it was terrifying.
I had no idea what it takes.
- The guts.
- Thanks.
It's exciting.
Your music.
- It's not noise?
- Most definitely not noise.
Oh, my God!
Ryan!
Anna?
My first wedding
went like this, you know.
My first wedding
went like this, you know.
- Like what?
- She ran away with the florist.
Whole thing
went right down the tubes.
Don't make me hurt you.
There she is.
Look, look, look.
Mom, what's wrong?
I have to ask you
to do something for me.
Sure, whatever. After what you
just did for me, anything.
It needs to happen before
the toasts and speeches.
Okay.
Clearly, we're not
switching back tonight.
I need you to tell Ryan you
need to postpone the wedding.
What?
No, listen, I can see
you're not ready for this.
And I can wait.
I guess I was so happy,
I wasn't thinking about
what's best for you and Harry.
But, Mom.
If he loves me like I think
he does, he'll wait, too.
He'll understand.
He'll be very sweet
and gracious about it.
But please.
Just please let him know
that I love him.
And be as kind as you
possibly can for me.
Okay, Mom.
I know exactly what to say.
I'll be along in a minute.
You should sit down.
[Glass dings]
Hi.
I guess
I'm gonna start the toasts.
So, three years ago,
we had a really bad thing
happen in our family.
We lost a father and a husband,
and I didn't think we'd ever
be able to get over it.
But then...
This guy next to me
came into the picture.
And everybody could see
I was happy again.
I was singing
in the shower again.
Not well, I might add.
But I was still really worried
about my kids, Anna and Harry.
Whether they'd be able to accept
a new man in their life.
And now I know how Anna feels.
And what she feels is that...
No one could ever
take the place of her dad...
Because he was
a really great dad.
But somebody could be
part of a new family.
Its own kind of cool,
new, little unit.
And that for someone
as special as Ryan,
that we would all
just make a little room.
Anna really wanted her mom
to know that.
Earthquake!
Yeah!
And I am so psyched to be here!
I guess all I'm trying to say
is, Ryan, welcome to our family.
To the bride and groom.
What the hell just happened?
Trust me,
you don't want to know.
Thank you for everything.
I love you.
I love you, too.
What?
Go.
Go.
Hi.
Listen, I feel really stupid.
You know, it's just
yesterday was freaky,
and, I mean, I see your mom,
and I like her.
I mean, not "like her" like her,
but, you know, I mean,
like her as your mom.
Listen, do you think we could
just rewind this whole thing
and start again?
I'd like that.
You know, I've been thinking
about that kiss.
Kiss?
Remind me again how I did it.
In front of your mom?
It's okay.
She owes me.
Hey, why don't you ask
that girl to dance?
No way!
- Come on, go on over there.
- Stop bugging me.
Boy, it's true.
Youth is wasted on the young.
You go ask her, you old fart.
Now, wait a minute!
Why, if I was your age, oh!
Cookie?
Well, why, yes,
I don't mind if I do.
Mama! What are you doing?
Mama!
Grandpa! Harry!
No!
Okay!