Freelancers Anonymous (2018) Movie Script

[jazzy music]
[Billie] Work hard, play hard.
Push through.
Buckle up.
But I'm not going up.
I'm just going in a circle...
like a hamster,
or a squirrel.
I'm a rodent.
In 11,680 days, I'll be 65.
At least I can retire.
I'm a fraud.
I'm getting married
to a woman I love,
but I definitely
don't deserve it.
I hate my job.
How does everyone else do it?
Pretend everything is fine.
["Never Give Up"
by Stephanie Rice]
Lightning and thunder
Came to my door
Gave a knock
My heart wanted more
I let him within
When he came to win my heart
Oh, I'll never give up
I'm gonna never give up
I'm gonna... ooh
Oh, I'll never give up
I'm gonna never give up
I'm gonna... ooh
I can't hear your voice anymore.
Have a candy.
[Billie] Huh?
You're going to take over
for Linda
on cold calls.
- What? Where's Linda?
- [Janey] You are gonna be great.
'Cause you're so...
- But I don't want...
- Have a candy.
- Thank you...
- [wrapper rustles]
Don't do that in here.
[wrapper rustles]
[rush of traffic]
[cabaret music]
[imitates Liza Minelli]
Oh, why, hello, darlings!
Welcome back to...
Life is a Cabernet
Oh, chums!
Oh, I'm so excited!
The day has finally arrived.
And it's...
Finally here!
That's right,
my wine has finally arrived.
I'm particularly excited
to taste this harvest,
because I've followed
these grapes
from a tiny,
little grape seedling.
Oh! Who's that handsome stranger
hiding over there?
- Hi, Billie.
- [bottle clanks]
- Sorry. Hi Liza viewers!
- [Gayle chuckles]
Did I ruin it?
No, no, it's okay.
I can do it later.
- [Billie] Okay.
- No problem.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Do you want to try my wine?
- [Billie] Um, yeah.
[sniffs] Oh, this smells good.
- [Gayle] Cheers...
- [boots click]
to my future wife.
- [clank]
- Cheers, future wife.
[Billie slurps]
Fuck, that's good!
Yeah, but you say that
about all the wines.
- I'll take it, though.
- You should.
Did you see
our new save the date?
Ah, no.
- [sustains sung note]
- [Billie] Ooh.
That looks good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- How good does it look?
- Very good.
- So good.
- Mm-hm.
- [Gayle murmurs]
- [lips smack]
I have work to do
for that stupid
strawberry presentation
- [Gayle] No.
- I know, it sucks.
[Gayle groans]
Can't you just make up
some shit?
Tell them about how the seeds
are on the outside, or...
And Janey put me
on cold calls today.
Then all the more reason
for you to relax.
You're like a tiny,
adorable devil.
Yes, and you love it.
- [both murmur]
- [lips smack]
No, no. I have to focus
on strawberries.
Maybe when I have
my own situation,
I can make my own rules.
Or you could break
your own rules.
Until then,
it's all strawberries for me.
- [Gayle] No.
- Come on.
Give it back!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon...
Don't...! Give it...!
- [alarm]
- [gasps]
[guitar melody]
[bluesy rock music]
The day is hot
The sun is high
A little birdy
Just flew on by...
- [Cynthia] Special delivery.
- [Billie murmurs]
It's a special cake for later.
- Can I not eat it now?
- Later.
- [phones ring]
- [Billie murmurs]
- What?
- It's my birthday.
No, it's not.
It's my half birthday.
Okay, happy birthday, Cynthia.
- Cyn. My name's Cyn.
- I'm not calling you that.
Why not?
Everyone else is doing it.
Who? Who else is doing it?
- Larry.
- Larry's weird.
What about Joanne? Hey, Joanne!
- You always call me Cyn, right?
- Okay.
- [Cynthia] See?
- [Billie] See what?
She doesn't know
why she's saying okay.
- She's on autopilot.
- Probably just looking
at that stupid candy company
of hers.
[Billie] Leave her alone.
She's busy dying
like everybody else.
You always call me Cyn, Joanne.
- Don't you?
- [Billie typing]
[comically low voice] Joanne.
[baby voice] Don't you, Jojo?
[slurred] Joanne?
[dial tone]
[handset clatters]
[dial tone]
[handset clatters]
- How's it going?
- Awesome!
- Hey...
- Joanne, I'll need more candy.
[Joanne] Okay.
- Janey...
- Billie, hi.
Ah, just the person
I wanted to see.
- Come on in.
- [clacking]
Sit down.
[Janey gasps] Oh, damn...
I noticed
that you've been working
- lots of late nights.
- Yeah.
And we can't have that anymore.
No one's really working
over 35 hours a week.
- What? 35?
- [Janey] Starting now.
Later, Larry.
So, technically,
that means that everyone
is part-time.
- But what about...
- Which technically means
that you don't have
any more health insurance.
[gasps] Oh, I hope you've been
to the dentist.
And listen,
we've had to let Sandra go.
So I'm going to need you
to handle the Hunterman account.
Okay? Okay.
Yeah? Yeah. Here.
- Have a candy.
- [bowl clinks]
Oh! There we go! [laughs]
Look at my big, blue ball.
[laughing] Isn't it cute?
[printer clicking and whirring]
- [background conversations]
- [phones ringing]
[pencil rattles]
Oh, wow.
Oh, fuck, you ate so much of it!
Give it to me!
Everything's being taken away.
I said eat it later.
Janey's taking away
our health insurance
and our hours. It's like,
"Why am I working this shit job
if there aren't any benefits?
- What's the point?"
- Oh, boy.
I mean, I'm stupid.
I don't think
I can do this anymore.
You'll be fine.
It's a presentation
on strawberries.
I said don't eat any more!
[whispers] It's an edible.
- This is pot cake?
- Yeah!
Why would you bring that?
Janey's taking away
our health insurance?
[voice breaks] Yes, but now
I've got to give presentation
- fucking high!
- I'm sorry.
- Why would you do that to me?
- It's my birthday.
It's not your birthday!
It's your half birthday.
How much more clear could I be?
[Billie] Cynthia!
I said eat it later.
- Later, as in, not now.
- [Billie whimpers]
When you say "special,"
- that doesn't mean pot!
- It doesn't matter,
because you have to do it!
- [Billie] I won't fucking do it!
- [Cynthia] You're fucking ready!
You got all the shit
in the binder...
- [Billie] It doesn't fucking...
- [Cynthia] A fucking binder!
- [thump]
- [Cynthia] Great.
- [Billie] No.
- Take a deep breath.
- You take a deep breath!
- A deep breath.
You take a deep... [grunting]
[Billie gasping]
Good morning, everybody.
Uh... Hillsbury Farms.
are a fruit.
I love them.
They're the only fruit
with the seeds on the outside.
And, uh... You love them.
Uh, everybody
loves strawberries.
[static dissonance]
[dissonance intensifies]
- [echo effect] Strawberries.
- [loud whirring]
[audio slowed down]
Imagine that one strawberry
equals one day of your life.
We have 28,835 strawberries
to live.
Some people more,
some people less.
This is just an average.
We sleep for 8,477 strawberries.
And we eat and we drink
and we prepare food for 1,635.
We work for 3,202.
- [rumble]
- And we commute to work
for 1,635.
So we have time for social media
- and church, and...
- I think she's high. service.
That means that we have
2,740 strawberries left.
That's it.
[static dissonance]
I gotta go.
This is bullshit.
- I quit!
- [dissonance ends abruptly]
I'm not gonna give you
one more of my strawberries.
Fucking do this.
My God, she's really high.
[light drumming]
[elevator dings]
[lively music]
[Billie grunting]
[all scream]
- [Charlotte] Oh my God!
- [Billie] I'm so sorry.
I have to go. I gotta...
- [Charlotte] No!
- [indistinct chatter]
[Billie] I'm sorry!
- I'm so sorry about your flyers!
- [Patty] Billie.
Babe, we're really late.
- [Gayle] Where have you been?
- [Patty] We're really late.
- [Gayle] You okay?
- [pants] I'm fine.
[Gayle] It's crazy.
Patty has been driving me crazy.
- [wordless choir music]
- [Pastor] The wedding party
would line up here and here
- during the ceremony.
- Great! That's what I thought.
- Billie!
- Huh?
[Patty] Um, I was thinking
the flowers...
- But maybe we don't need...
- ...would go in each pew.
...all the flowers.
I mean, this place
is pretty much good as-is.
I mean, right?
I mean, look at the colors
in the lines, and...
the architecture.
God did a great job
with this place,
- am I right?
- [Patty] We need flowers.
- [Billie] He knows what I mean.
- It'll look terrible.
- No offense, but...
- Yeah.
- [Pastor] Not terrible, but...
- [Gayle] Totally.
We'll have flowers.
Patty, I trust you.
What is going on?
- Nothing.
- You're acting really weird.
- Are you okay?
- I'm great.
I'm so great.
I'm thinking maybe we don't need
all the flowers.
Or any.
Maybe we don't need any flowers.
You know,
minimalist is very in right now.
Ooh, that could be our theme.
You know:
"If it doesn't bring you joy,
get rid of it."
Flowers don't bring you joy?
We're having...
we're having flowers.
Let's keep the flowers.
But hey,
what about not having cake?
- [Patty] What?
- People could bring their own.
It would be like BYOC.
- [Patty laughs]
- What is going on...?
[splutters] Shit!
Your presentation. I'm sorry.
Ah... How did it go?
Were people confused?
Did you remember to tell them
about the seeds on the outside?
I quit my job.
What? You what?
It was
a giant, sinking turd, Gayle.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I've been doing
the work of three people,
and they're going to take away
our health insurance.
I did mention the seeds,
but nobody cared,
except for fucking Larry.
Again, I'm so sorry.
But look at me.
- [sighs] Okay.
- I'm so sorry.
I'll fix it, I promise.
I'm gonna find my thing.
I'm gonna find my...
Life is a Cabernet.
It's going to be amazing.
I'll work on my own terms.
what were we talking about?
Are you high?
[soft piano melody]
[dog barking]
[Gayle sighs]
Hey you.
Hey you.
Gayle, don't worry.
I made a spreadsheet.
Mm, I love it
when you talk dirty.
It's for our wedding bills
and our expenses.
Mm-hm. Keep going.
I'm gonna have to deal
with my mom tomorrow.
[Billie] It's gonna be okay.
Don't worry, Gayle.
I know what I'm doing.
[Billie] Okay.
So, what are you gonna do?
[jazzy music]
[bell rings]
[Billie] This sucks.
Running around like a squirrel
for some peanuts.
Elephants dance for peanuts.
I wish I was dancing.
Or stripping.
That pays well, right?
Okay, maybe not,
like, pole dancing,
but something fun.
Something meaningful.
Like this 14-year-old kid.
Fuck this kid!
This kid was lucky.
I have ideas.
I can be resourceful.
I can do anything,
dance to my own tune,
be my own boss.
I can be a lion.
Yeah, I can be a giver.
Uh, sorry, man.
Yeah, that's...
That's all I got.
[June] ...all around me,
but I only see my surroundings.
I only feel my own heartbeat.
Uh, hello.
- Hi.
- Oh! Oh, my!
Oh, a new person! Hello!
No, no, no.
You are the unstable one
from yesterday, aren't you?
[Marti] Yeah.
- Yeah, that is her.
- [June] Welcome.
[gasps] Hi, dear.
What is your name?
- Billie.
- Billie.
Sounds like a fake name.
It's... My real name is Billie.
why don't we get you a nametag?
- Okay.
- Come on over here. Oh!
I brought some new markers,
but just be careful,
because I think
they're the kind you... [sniffs]
You know? [giggles]
Ooh, let's see, now.
Oh, I don't...
Now where could they have gone?
Why don't you get
some coffee cake
- while I'm looking?
- Oh.
Sam made it.
Oh, hi.
- I'm Sam.
- Hi.
- I made the coffee cake.
- [Billie] Okay.
If you're vegan, don't eat it.
I didn't make it vegan.
[Billie] Oh, I'm not vegan.
You can eat it, then.
- Cool mug, right?
- Yeah.
Fucking love the aquarium.
Here they are!
[giggles and hums]
Ah, there you go, darling.
[Billie] Billie...
'cause that's...
- real name.
- Oh, no, no, dear.
[June murmuring]
On our left shoulder.
[whispers] Like that.
- Okay, I think it's on.
- [June] Okay.
[Charlotte] Oh!
[giggles] My flyer.
Did you get it?
Freelancers, not a mouse.
Oh, yeah.
I see the rat
that you put on it.
[Larry grunts]
You know, if you're gonna join,
then you need to sign in.
Uh, okay.
Like, your real name.
All right, I'm going to go
with Billie...
- Kingston.
- Still sounds fake.
Sounds like a real name.
Maybe a nickname.
I thought this was a place
to find
employment opportunities.
It is.
Why do you all
have to sign in and out?
What's it to you?
It's for the church.
Yeah, she's in AA,
so we get the space for free.
Thanks for sharing my secrets
with everybody.
- Appreciate it.
- What?
So, what is this, exactly?
I'm starting to think that maybe
my flyer wasn't clear enough.
Yeah, I think it was probably
the mouse.
This is our safe space.
We network with each other
to find jobs.
You know what they say:
"Resourcefulness is a resource."
Great. So... where are they?
What, dear?
The resources.
Do you not have any?
It's better to come here
and search for a job
than go
to some frou-frou coffee shop
with a bunch
of elitist assholes, Billie.
We used to have
more freelancers.
Then they started freelancing.
Yeah, I gotta say, I...
I don't like your tone.
Yeah, you starting to sound
kinda toney.
- No I don't, I...
- You're doing it there again.
Just... right there.
Mm, yeah,
I kinda hear it now, too.
- Yeah, I heard it, too.
- [June] Okay, hang on!
Why don't we just get
another slice
of Sam's coffee cake, shall we?
I'm so sorry.
I can't eat it,
I'm trying vegan.
Don't eat it, it's not vegan.
Why don't we all
just share in a circle
why we're all here.
[Gillian] No.
That will be depressing.
[camera shutter]
[Patty] This is gorgeous.
- [Gayle] Yeah?
- Absolutely!
- [Gayle] It's not bad.
- Honey...
It's just not what we planned
for a Sonoma wedding.
[sighs] Then it's a good thing
we'll get married here.
Well, there's still time
for a venue change.
I thought we were getting...
Oh, my life is here, Mom.
[Grace sighs]
Well, whose choice was that?
I mean, wow.
This A-line silhouette
is absolutely stunning.
- You look beautiful.
- Yeah...
It's super pretty, but...
I don't know.
It's, like, 5,000 dollars.
Oh, I can ask
about a payment plan.
If you consider Sonoma,
I'd be happy to help.
You know,
I'm Orbitz platinum status now,
all the times
coming to visit you.
I could probably get
some hotel rooms...
they might even throw in
a suite for me.
Hell, they might throw in
a puppy.
Well, it's my life, Mom.
But does it look like this?
It looks like my life.
Look, I'm only suggesting.
I don't need your suggestions.
Okay, okay, okay.
- [footsteps]
- [jangling]
[video game beeping]
- [video game]
- [keyboard clacking]
[video game beeping]
- [Gillian indistinct]
- What are you playing?
Oh, it's a game I designed.
Shooting aliens
always make me feel better.
You fixed the code already?
This is
an all pointer exception.
You know how to code?
Yeah, I do weekend availability.
Sam, can you work
character changes
- in the final bid?
- [Gillian] I won't go over
six times.
Too much customer concentration,
it wouldn't be worth my while.
- [video game beeping]
- [background chatter]
Well, you tell them that.
[Marti] I'm about to re-gram
this page
- right here.
- [June] Re-what?
- Wait.
- [Marti] Re-gram.
- [Marti] When you repost...
- Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Oh, my God, you're my...
my thing.
The things. All this here.
You, you, you.
What are you doing?
Don't you see it?
- [June] No.
- This place, you people.
[Marti] This is what happens
when you bring
those smelly markers.
[Billie] This office
has more talent in it
than the one I left.
I feel like that's sad.
No, it is, it's very sad.
Don't you see?
You all have something to offer.
Don't waste time waiting
for some place to hire you.
We can create a small business
right here.
- At Freelancers Anonymous?
- [Billie] Yes!
Does that even make sense?
It's better than dicking around
with smelly markers.
Oh no, I have a degree
in graphic design...
- [all] ...from Yale University.
- Nobody cares.
You have a degree, too?
I thought you just enjoyed
being on Twitter.
[scoffs] A B.S.
in social media and marketing.
Definitely a degree.
- Instagram is a job?
- You wanna fight?
[both yelling]
Somebody hold my milk.
Not you. Hold this.
Come here! Come at me!
- [Billie] Okay.
- Bring it here!
You have to come at me.
That's how I engage.
You see, can you see... Oh, wow.
See what's happening, William?
See what you did?
How is this my fault?
'Cause you come here
and stir everything up,
and you ask all these questions
about resources.
I was curious.
Why don't you take
your 1,000 questions
and your fake name
and you just leave.
Billie is my real name.
[Gillian] I don't care
if your name is William
or Charles or Chuckie.
I think you should go.
- That's what I think. Get out.
- Cake, anyone?
She doesn't get cake!
- I can eat it if I want to.
- No.
No, it's for members only.
Oh, I signed in. So...
- There you go.
- Oh. [scoffs]
Let's just see here...
- Oh! Fake name.
- [pen scratches]
I think we should have cake now.
- I thought we hated Sam's cake.
- Wait, what?
[stutters] I mean, love it.
I'm vegan, but I love it.
I can't... I want more.
You can't tell me what to do.
You may scare everybody else,
- but you don't scare me.
- [clipboard clatters]
Fuck you, Billie.
Oh, things are really getting
out of hand. [gasps]
- [all yell]
- Hey!
- [all exclaiming]
- My face!
- My face!
- [Billie] Oh, I'm so sorry!
[Charlotte splutters]
It's in my mouth!
- [Charlotte coughing]
- [jumbled chatter]
You happy now, William?
No! Don't you people get it?
I'm completely not happy,
that's why I came
in the first place.
- You're all a bunch of losers.
- [Charlotte crying]
Did she just...?
Shit, I lost my nametag.
[Charlotte sobbing]
- [Billie] Hey.
- Ah!
- Oh, hello.
- [Billie murmurs]
Anne Westgate's back.
Westgate's back?
- Oh, yes.
- I thought you hated being her.
She makes you feel
cheap and dirty inside.
Yeah, I know.
Anne's the worst. [sighs]
But we need the money, so...
- What's it called?
- [Gayle murmurs]
It is called
Submission: A Howling Tail.
"Tail?" Like, T-A-I-L?
- Mm-hm. Book one.
- Book one?
- There are six.
- Six tails?
It turns out werewolf
erotica is really popular.
- Let's hear some Ms. Westgate.
- Mm. Okay.
[clears throat]
- Don't mind if I do.
- [Billie] Okay.
I need to find a sexy voice.
[low and hoarse]
"'Don't you know who you are?'
[both giggle]
Randall whispered into her ear,
- luring her under his spell."
- [Billie] Oh.
[shouting and gasping]
"'Oh, yes, deeper!'
She moaned."
- [Gayle giggles]
- Just... flip, flip, flip.
[clears throat]
"His shaft lengthened
and slipped through
her moist center."
"Until the screams
turned from 'Oh!'
to 'Corn!', stopping Randall
in his tracks."
Wait, wait, wait.
The safe word is "corn"?
Oh, my God,
should we change our safe word?
- I fucking love you.
- [both laughing]
- [murmuring]
- [lips smack]
How was work?
It sucked.
[alarm beeping]
[rush of traffic]
I brought donuts.
Didn't you say we were losers?
Yep, she did.
Yeah, but I didn't mean that.
That doesn't make me
feel better.
'Cause it's not an apology.
- I'm sorry.
- [Gillian] I don't believe you.
- Neither does Larry.
- Nametag.
Remember that you almost killed
Charlotte by way of coffee cake?
Oh, I am so sorry.
That was an accident,
I was trying to defend myself.
You hit me in my face.
- Your face was in the way.
- Of what?
- [Billie splutters]
- Safe space! Starting now.
[Billie] I brought the donuts.
We can't be bought.
[Marti] I can be bought.
I am so glad you're back.
[Billie] Who's a loser now,
huh, Chuckie B.?
Probably still us.
No, don't say that.
You guys aren't losers.
Sam, you coded
an entire videogame.
I just used
an open-sourced game engine
and applied linear algebra
to some preexisting 3D models
to turn them into pixels.
And the wrapper
over the HLSL shader
to render things onscreen.
It's very simple.
Charlotte helped, too.
I... I designed the aliens.
See? You made aliens!
You brought aliens to life.
Surely we can bring ourselves
to life!
We don't do that here,
it's not our thing.
Yes you do, you just do it
on your own terms.
- [June] That's true.
- Let's do it.
Let's work on our own terms.
Let's do something fulfilling.
I want to be fulfilled.
But, like...
- what will we do?
- Should we make a list?
List! Yes!
- [June squeals]
- Ugh.
Yeah, a list
is gonna get us in Forbes.
Oh, ah...
[Grace] Gayle.
Honey, are you ready?
I know it's not on the list,
but the concierge said there's
an amazing florist uptown.
- [Gayle] Randall leaned in...
- On Broadway.
- [Gayle indistinctly reading]
- Sounds fancy.
[Gayle] "Oh!" Simone howled.
[Grace] Gayle Anne Preston!
What are you doing?
What the fuck?
- Language!
- Oh, fuck.
I'll have to record
this part all over again.
You're recording that?
Yeah, it's kinda my job.
[stutters] But, what about
that Liza Minelli thing
- with the wine?
- "Life is a Cabernet"?
It's my other job.
Well, this job
sounds like pornography.
I know, I'm the one saying it.
[Grace sighs]
I don't even know
what you do here.
Well, now you know.
[Billie] You need jobs.
That's the company.
Oh, inadequacies
are the company?
Wait, so we are losers?
Safe space.
Freelancers Anonymous
- is the company.
- [Charlotte] I don't get it.
[Sam] Oh.
Okay, I see what you did there.
The diagram was kinda confusing.
Oh, my God. This is ridiculous.
There is no company.
There is, right here.
A way to connect businesses
with the freelancers
- who need them.
- [June] How?
It's like a freelancing app
for freelancers.
Great. There's already
a thousand of them.
- We'll be a competitor.
- [Gillian] Hm. Okay.
Do you know
how to create an app?
Not necessarily...
I probably could.
It depends
on what kind of features
you want to add.
And development time increases
if you want
both iOS-Android technology.
And we would have to have...
registration, profile creation,
payment integration.
Depending on how many
interactive elements you want,
like SMS integration,
push notifications...
we're looking at a few months
for development.
[all gasping]
Okay, an app. Duh.
My followers would love that.
- Yes!
- And it could be searchable
by job or location or something.
- [June] Amazing!
- Or something!
We could vet both the parties
that register with it.
We would be
a safe space for everyone.
- Right?
- Exactly. Let's do it.
Let's get investors
and launch an app.
- [June giggles]
- Investors?
Oh. Yeah, we don't know
how to do that.
Yeah, that's Gillian's thing.
[June] Gillian?
I'm on lunch.
[apple crunches loudly]
[funky music]
The owner of this place
is James from hot yoga.
He promised me a killer deal
during downward dog.
What about this one?
It's got a wonderful,
bouncy attitude about it.
I don't know.
Does that fit into
a verbal pornographer's budget?
Oh, my God.
That's an interesting question.
I don't actually know.
- [Gayle scoffs]
- Ooh. Hydrangeas!
So is Billie also taking on
a second job?
Um, she quit her job.
[Gayle] Quit her job.
- What?
- [Patty screaming]
- Bees!
- It's fine.
It's fine.
So you are whoring
yourself out...
Oh, my God, Mom,
I'm not whoring myself out!
Jesus Christ.
Can't you just be supportive
for once in your fucking life?
This is exactly
what you did to Dad.
I have everything under control.
[Patty] Watch out! [screams]
- [thump]
- [Patty whimpers]
[loud clacking]
- [door rattles]
- [Billie] Gayle.
You'll never fucking guess...
Oh, God, angry tap dancing.
What happened?
- [huffs] Mom.
- [Billie] Oh, no.
[gasps] She found out
about Anne Westgate.
She won't shut the fuck up
about Sonoma,
and then she dragged my ass
to uptown,
which is a bullshit forest.
Did you at least find
pretty flowers?
[panting] Oh. Yeah.
We found flowers.
We found 900 dollars' worth
of flowers.
I'll break
that broomstick in half
and shove it
up your ass, Norman!
- [huffs]
- Okay.
- Well hey, guess what?
- [huffing]
- I'm starting my own company.
- [tapping ends abruptly]
You're what?
- I'm starting my own company.
- [bag crunches]
This morning
you didn't have a job,
and now you have a company?
[crunching] Um, yeah.
Freelancers Anonymous.
Freelancers Anonymous?
You're starting a company
with the unemployed
church people?
They're not unemployed,
they're just freelancers.
...who aren't freelancing!
I'm fucking freelancing!
- [crunching]
- [beeping]
[splutters] I can't have
this conversation right now.
I have a pot roast in the oven.
Stop eating chips.
- [oven beeping]
- [shoes tapping]
This pot roast is a little dry.
No, it's good.
No, it needs carrots.
Maybe some...
No? Okay.
[church bells]
[Marti wordlessly singing]
Dancing 'bout to
Break it down
Shit! Jesus.
Sorry. My... bad.
Come on, girl.
It's app day.
Okay, calm down.
You do know that 90 percent
of apps fail, right?
So? That's what we got Sam for.
Has Sam ever even created
an app?
- Sure she has.
- Huh?
Have you ever created an app?
- No.
- Wait...
You haven't?
But it shouldn't be that hard.
So you've actually never created
an app?
Like, actually, actually?
- No, I haven't...
- [church bells]
- ...actually, actually.
- [Gillian sighs]
Actually, actually.
She hasn't ever...
- It's a double negative.
- Yeah, I get it.
[Marti] I got it, I got you.
[Charlotte] Exciting!
I have brought my sketchpad
for designing app ideas.
Okay, so you've designed apps
before, then?
[Charlotte giggles] No.
Sam has.
Huh. Actually, Sam hasn't.
- [Sam] Not yet.
- [Charlotte] Really?
What about you? You have
the B.S. degree in social media.
[splutters] I, uh...
I mean...
I can distribute an app.
I'll distribute
the fuck out of an app.
But I have to have
an app... first,
before I can distribute it.
- Does June know?
- No.
Know what, dear?
June doesn't know.
I could know.
- How to make an app?
- [June] No, dear.
I don't know that.
[Gillian] Wow. Okay, so...
So you guys want to start
a company
with someone you don't know.
Oh, Billie? We know her.
- She brought donuts.
- [Gillian] One time.
She brought donuts one time.
They were crappy donuts,
let's be real.
Going into business
with someone you don't know
is like getting married
to someone you don't know.
It's commitment, it's trust,
it's focus,
it's having each other's back.
We don't know this person.
Hey, guys. Ready to get started?
- You didn't bring any donuts?
- Huh?
That was a one-day thing.
[all groan]
Does everyone know
where to start?
[jumbled excuses]
[Marti] ...makes me feel better.
Wait, so you own a company?
Yeah, well, sort of.
Currently I may have
zero employees.
So you don't own a company.
No, I do, it's just that...
I may not be very good at it...
- Let me in?
- ...yet.
I need you to get it together.
Do you know that Janey
has us at 30 hours a week?
That's not sustainable.
I need your company.
Save me from this hellhole!
- [Janey chuckling]
- [whirring]
I think somebody has me
in an experiment
to make people go insane!
Wait, what does your company do?
- We're...
- It doesn't matter.
Do they have health insurance?
- Yes.
- Okay!
I'm on board. Let's do it.
You go build your empire.
- Get those employers.
- But...
Be their Oprah. Say it with me.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- [both] Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Go. Go!
- Go!
- No, I mean, go.
- Go!
- Go now.
Oh, go now...
Okay, guys,
I'm here to be your Oprah.
Troops are on lunch, Oprah.
What is your problem?
- Excuse me?
- Ever since I got here,
you've been a huge asshole.
You've been here,
like, two days.
[Billie] So?
Tried to kill me with your bike.
That's what this is about?
You tried to kill me
with your bike,
and now you want me to go
to business with you.
I didn't try to...
How can I kill you with a bike?
I don't know.
You came at me hard.
You know,
you don't even know these women.
You think you do, but you don't,
and if you don't know them,
you can't help them.
Where were you leading them
before I got here?
Gillian, I need you.
You know these women.
Do you want to try?
Create something?
Do you want to see
what they can do?
[phone ringing]
You're really going to take
a phone call?
Yeah, hang on one sec.
Hey, where are you?
I'm at work.
What? You were supposed to be
here 45 minutes ago.
Look at what
you've left me with!
Oh, wow. Okay. Um...
- I'm on my way, stay there.
- I'm at the caterer's.
- [Billie] Where are you?
- The catering company.
Okay, you're good. Copy that.
I gotta go. It's my fiance.
[grunts] Congratulations.
[train squealing]
Hey. Hey.
Hey, hey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was late.
Can Glenn reschedule?
He loves Patty.
I'm his favorite.
Do you need me to talk to him?
Why don't you let me speak?
No. No one needs to talk to you
right now, Mom.
Can't we just come back later?
No. Later I have to read about
how Randall's quivering member
makes Simone fucking submit.
Oh, yeah. I'm at the climax.
Hey, I said I'm sorry.
- I have feelings too, you know.
- Oh, like I don't?
No, obviously you have
all of them.
I have to read
a 400 page book right now
that I am actually
losing money on
because I want to stop and vomit
every time I have to act
like I'm being fucked
by a throbbing shaft.
- [Billie] Jesus, Gayle.
- [Gayle] I'm trying to keep up
with "Life is a Cabernet,"
and I'm trying to plan
our fucking wedding
all by myself, Billie!
Jesus, Gayle, just calm...
All by myself!
I told you I would help
with our stupid wedding.
I needed you today.
I was at work.
I came right over.
No, you were
with the church people.
The church people have names.
It's a fake fucking company,
- [Billie] They're...
- They don't pay you there!
It's real,
I'm just not paying myself yet.
[splutters] Are...?
That means it's not real!
We are making an app.
It's like when I say words,
you don't hear them.
Just find
a real fucking job, Billie!
[Patty chats indistinctly]
Mom, Patty, come on!
[Grace] Bye, Billie.
[melancholic clarinet]
- [door bangs]
- [stomping]
Let's make a fucking app.
[Marti scoffs]
You heard her.
Let's make an app.
[Charlotte giggles]
Yeah, I've got plans.
Also, we need to make
a demo first.
Okay, fine.
Then let's make a demo.
I'm a good girl
Raised just like the rest
I only wanna fuck around...
You'll be in charge
of the investors, right?
And in getting them
to the launch party.
Most important thing: financing.
[Gillian] It all makes sense,
but if financing
equals investors,
how does that equate
to social media and sharing?
Once we have the launch party...
You get it, right, Marti?
I don't know
What true love is
I'm just so used
To being treated like shit
Trust I know what I dream of
It's just no man
Can ever handle my love
No way, check it out
I'm a cat, I'm a kitty
I'm a feline, I said pretty
I'll climb into your lap
If you leave me alone
I'm a cat, I'm a kitty
I'm a feline, I said pretty
Just try to hold me
Too tight
I will never come home
No way
I will never come home...
[June] Hey, everybody!
I brought donuts.
The good kind: Stan's Donuts.
[squeals] Can't wait! There.
Have fun, Marti.
The party will be great.
It doesn't matter, as long
as you have good people there.
We'll have good people there.
I'm good with investors,
trust me on this.
You think I'm an asshole
and I'm not,
I'm actually
a really great person.
- I think you are great.
- Thank you.
- See you later. Wonderful.
- It's just...
[door handle rattles]
[Gillian] Here. Wait a minute.
Just... wait.
- [swooshing]
- [ding]
Holy fuck! It's a bag of money!
You don't need to scream,
we get it.
- Why is this in your car?
- [Gillian] 'Cause I...
Stop asking questions.
None of your business.
Why are you giving me
a bag of money?
Okay, I'm not giving it to you.
I'm giving it to everyone.
I want us to have
a good launch party.
Just use it wisely.
Thank you.
- [bag rustles]
- I'll take care of it.
So, put it in the bank?
Is that a statement
or a question?
[Billie] Don't worry, I got it.
Oh, God.
[soft piano melody]
Where were you last night?
What time is it?
[Gayle] I don't think
I can do this anymore.
You know, maybe we should
just postpone the wedding.
No, don't say that.
[Gayle] Well, why not, Billie?
I mean,
our bills are fucking piling up,
You never fucking come home.
You don't even have a job.
[Billie] I have a job.
I have a... I got a job.
- [Gayle] Really?
- Yeah, really.
Yeah! I mean, the...
They paid me last night, and...
Really? They paid you already?
[Billie] Yeah.
It's under the table, but...
we're going to have enough
for the wedding.
I can take care of it.
Come here.
Come here.
I've got you.
[whispers] All right.
[alarm beeping]
[mellow rock]
[Billie] The biggest risk
you can take
is by doing nothing.
I'll pay it all back.
I shouldn't spend
any more of that money.
Okay, it's investment.
Seed money.
Yeah, I read about that.
Development funds.
Stop worrying
about what you have to lose...
and start focusing
on what you have to gain.
What do I have to lose?
[music ends]
I'm still updating the CSS code
for the app
so we can navigate it
for the launch.
We're still in beta,
not live yet.
- Pretty straightforward.
- Sam, this is awesome!
So, we just make that bigger,
and that not look like that.
Hey, let's take a break.
- [Gillian] So, uh, slight hitch.
- Shoot.
I need the money back.
- Huh?
- I need the money back.
Uh... how much of it?
- All of it.
- [Billie] All of it?
It seems like people
don't want to invest in an app
until they see it.
Like a physical demo,
which makes sense
when you think about it.
- So...
- Well, ah... um...
Are you having a stroke?
Are you okay?
No, no, not a stroke.
Why do we need all of it?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
We need all of it.
That's all.
Don't get mad...
I'm not mad.
Okay, so here's the thing,
is that, um...
I possibly don't have all of it.
[stutters] You don't have it?
Uh, possibly.
- [Gillian] How possibly?
- Very possibly.
- Where is it?
- Um...
Okay, so...
- Tell me where the money is.
- So I gave it to Gayle.
So you gave it to Gayle?
We've been struggling,
and she told me I wasn't allowed
to come here anymore.
So I kinda made up a fake job,
and I've maybe used the money
as my fake paycheck.
But it's fine,
I can figure this out,
there's no need to panic.
You lied to me. Nuh-uh.
You're going to get
your money back.
[stutters] We'll make it up
with the investors,
it only takes one yes.
Look, I know how it works,
but we don't have any investors.
We don't have any investors?
[Marti] What about the demo?
Shh. Hold on.
[June] What's happening, Marti?
I told you guys.
I told you
this wasn't a good idea,
and you got excited
to make your own company,
and now look what we have.
So there will be
no launch party?
No, there is no launch party
because you spent all the money.
- She spent all the money.
- You spent it?
- [June] She spent the money?
- Okay...
Wait, how much money?
Why would you do that?
I can explain. I have a plan.
I trusted you.
- We all trusted you.
- [June] Billie.
And you ripped us off.
- So...
- [June sobs] Billie...
I think you should just go.
We don't need you.
- We never needed you.
- [June] I'm so disappointed.
[Gayle] Billie?
- You home?
- [keys jangle]
Hey, what happened?
I have to tell you something.
It's okay.
I'm sure whatever it is,
it'll be okay.
- [bluesy guitar]
- [alarm beeping]
You are not cut out for this.
Just get it back.
Smile, and nod.
And kill me.
You can pay it all back
in 2,536 days
if you cut
your Netflix subscription.
And Amazon.
You can fix this.
Oh, God. It still smells
like bleach in here.
Suck it up.
Push through.
You can beg.
No shame in begging.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
I came to beg for my old job.
What? No, you're supposed
to work on your company
so I can get out.
Yeah, just forget it.
You know,
I can't keep lying to Gayle.
Yeah, I need a job... Here.
I can help you right now.
- What is this?
- It's, uh...
the Hunterman packet.
I have to redo it
because they gave it to a temp
who doesn't know what to do.
Janey really needs
a new vetting process.
Wait, like an app?
Do you think Janey
would invest in that?
- [Joanne] I would.
- What?
[stutters] That would connect
small businesses
with qualified workers.
It would make quick matches
with swiping.
- Like every other app.
- Okay, that sounds good.
Awesome. Great. I gotta go.
Thank you.
[phones ringing]
[Billie huffing]
[Billie] Hello? Hi.
My name's Billie Kingston,
I reserved a church
for my wedding on November 13th.
Yeah, the two women. That's us.
Would it be possible
to get into the reception space
a little earlier in the day,
like 3 or 4 p.m.?
Awesome. Thank you so much!
[Gillian] Crashing in cars?
[June] Yeah, they're together
when they crash in the car...
[Gillian] Have you ever been
outside of town, June?
- What?
- Outside of our town.
- Have you ever been outside of...
- Well, Charlie's been.
Is Charlie someone in your head?
[Gillian] I think you need
to see somebody, June.
Do you not know, or...?
- Okay, no. No.
- Billie!
Do you always apologize
via donuts, or...?
Not just donuts.
I have an idea
on how to save this company.
There isn't a company.
There is, and I want to add
a swiping feature to the app,
just like all the other apps.
It'll be great.
Do you not understand that you
was the one that fucked up?
Yeah, I spent some of the money.
That wasn't cool,
I'll admit that.
I'm so sorry, guys. I...
I've been living
a personal low point
right now, and...
But you know what stopped me
from begging for my old job?
[sighs] What?
You're a huge liar and a thief?
You guys.
And Market Media Outreach.
They could be
the one yes that we need.
They want to buy
what we're selling.
I have
a marketing director friend
who loves it.
Did she like the reactive UI/UX?
Yeah! That, too.
Market Media Outreach
is the one yes that we need.
Oh! And also, um...
I have the money
that's left over,
and we can get the rest of it
after the launch.
There won't be a launch.
Yes, there is, on November 13th.
[June gasps] Thirteen is great
for businesses.
It's all about being connected
and breaking new ground,
and on the new moon...
And it's also the day
that I'm getting married.
How are you going to be
in two places at once?
Well, I booked the church
from 4 to 10 p.m.,
and my wedding's at 5 p.m.
in the sanctuary
and should be done by 5:30,
and it's followed
by the cocktail hour after,
so the wedding reception
is at 6:30.
So that means we can use
the reception hall
for the launch party,
from 4 to 6 p.m.
I already confirmed
that we can be here
at 3:30 p.m. to set up.
It's easy-peasy.
Oh, my God, that was
so many numbers at one time.
[Billie] Oh! And we'll have
extra hands on deck
with the caterers.
What do you think?
Don't... Don't fuck up again,
though. All right?
I won't.
No more donuts.
No one likes donuts.
- [June] I...
- No.
[Billie] And Charlotte,
you can create the invites.
To the wedding?
No, for the launch.
Oh, sure.
- Oh, Marti...
- [Marti] What?
[Billie] You wanna post
some stuff to your followers?
Hell yeah.
I can do your makeup.
Yeah, yeah. That'd be great.
Make you look pretty.
[June sighs]
Yes, I will be a bridesmaid.
[loud kiss]
Can I bake a cake?
You can try.
Thanks, Larry.
Always there.
- [sighs]
- [papers rustle]
Seven dollars in here.
[Gayle] Maybe this time
I'll be happy
Maybe this wine will stay
[imitates Liza Minelli]
Oh! Hello there, darlings.
I didn't see you there.
It's me, Liza with a "z,"
and I'm here to tell you
all about my new,
perky little Pinot.
You see, it's got
a lovely, bitter aftertaste
- that reminds me...
- [thump]
...of my mother sometimes.
But that...
It's just me.
[Gayle grunts]
I don't want you to think
I'm not supportive.
I am, I just...
want you to be happy.
I have a peace offering.
I shipped a couple
of cases home,
I thought it would be fun
to feature your wine
at the winery this summer.
[delicate piano melody]
[Grace] Of course.
[imitates Liza Minelli]
Who doesn't like wine
fashioned after Liza?
Oh, that's... Hm.
That's almost as good as mine.
We'll work on it. [chuckles]
Thanks, Mom.
It's awesome.
Oh, shit!
I'm totally still recording.
[heels click]
- [grunts]
- [camera clicks]
- [camera clicks]
- Um, I've rerouted
our contact info
so that when someone calls
for the business,
it goes to our cells.
- Oh, great.
- Great.
[Gillian] It looks like
you just met online.
- Looks good.
- Make sure you get the logo in.
Girl, don't worry.
I know how to make
an Instagram post.
- [Charlotte] She's certified.
- Verified!
[loud ticking]
[phone ringing]
What do I do?
- Answer it, answer it!
- Yeah, answer the phone.
- It's a freelancer.
- [all cheer]
Told you!
Wow, that was very fast.
- In no time at all.
- It was quick.
She wants to sign up,
but we're on online yet.
- What should I do?
- Make a list.
Can I have your name, please?
[phone vibrating]
- Answer, answer!
- Okay, okay.
- Calm down.
- [Billie] Answer!
- Be nice.
- [Gillian] Hello?
Uh... Yes, this is
Freelancers Anonymous.
Yes, I'm Gillian,
the president and CFO.
Ah, hold just one moment,
please. Thank you so much.
- It's an investor.
- [all cheer]
Okay, okay, okay.
Hello. Sorry about that.
[phone ringing]
- Yeah, hello?
- [phones ring]
Welcome to Freelancers
Anonymous. This is Billie,
the CEO and the founder.
- It's still ringing!
- [Charlotte] Just a sec.
[indistinct conversations]
Hello, this is June.
- Mm. Smell it.
- No, you don't smell.
Remember, if you see something
you don't like,
look away.
- Okay, it's gonna be good.
- Okay. Yep.
- You went out of your way...
- Oh!
Okay, so I know that there is
traditionally a groom's cake,
but this is...
the bridegroom... groom...
bride... bride-bride cake.
[Gayle] Oh, wow.
Yeah, I mean,
I see the resemblance...
- there.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- The toast?
- Yes, toast, please.
- Yeah.
To my beautiful daughter
and her gorgeous bride.
May tomorrow start the beginning
of your happy,
happy journey together.
You are both brides, right?
I'm still...
You know, I must admit, when...
When Gayle first came out,
I sobbed for weeks.
I thought I'd never welcome in
a handsome, dashing young man
and have grandbabies, but...
I realize... [gasping]
we can still have grandbabies.
Not right now,
but it's all really just about
the love between you, I mean...
It's just love, right?
- [stutters] It's...
- [Gayle] To love!
[Grace] To love. Yes.
- [glasses clink]
- [all toast]
It's a nice speech.
Not weird at all.
To the happy, happy brides
and their very special cake.
- Thank you, dear.
- On that note...
Oh, it's Cyn.
I don't know if we...
I'm Cyn.
Sin? [mutters]
- That doesn't sound good.
- [Cynthia] It's C-Y-N.
- It's not her name.
- [Gayle] Yeah.
[Patty] Keeping with tradition,
we thought that Billie
would stay at my place tonight.
Really? I didn't think
we were going that traditional.
Uh, we're kinda traditional.
- [Patty] Yeah.
- You know, I mean,
we're getting married
in the church,
- and I was thinking about...
- [Gayle] Really?
I was thinking about staying
with Cynthia tonight.
Well, I don't want
to sleep alone.
Oh, but, you know,
I have a date tonight.
But remember, your date's
tomorrow night, you told me?
No, it's tonight.
Your date's tomorrow.
Oh! You know... You're so right,
'cause I had the other thing
with the calendar...
- It's tonight.
- Yeah.
Tonight I'm free.
So you're welcome.
Uh, well,
if that's what you want.
- I mean...
- Your father and I
spent the night
before our wedding together
and look how that turned out.
[Patty] You know what, though?
Are you sure?
Because you can definitely
stay with me
anytime, actually. Anytime.
Like, there's a roll-away...
- It's comfortable.
- [Cynthia inaudible]
Plenty of room.
But you know what? Um...
I have five turtles.
One of them escaped recently.
I can hear him,
so I know he's somewhere around.
And be a bit careful
when you go to the bathroom
'cause that's usually
where he ends up.
You're like, "Whoo!" You know?
Oh, I love turtles.
Yeah, one summer in high school
I ran over several of them
with my car.
Um, and we buried them
in the backyard.
Ah, along with the...
the mice, and the fish, and...
several cats, and...
A little cemetery
going back there,
and you know, that's
where they are, with my mom.
Not that my mom
is in the backyard,
it's my mom's house.
I was in high school.
- Can I cut the cake?
- Yeah, please.
- [Gayle] Please.
- [Billie] Please cut it.
- I think it's time.
- [Cynthia squeals]
- [thump]
- Let them eat cake.
- You just cut my face...
- It's okay. Look away.
[Cynthia] Sure you don't want
to get in
on that roll-away action?
Ah, no, thanks.
God, what a weirdo.
She would flip her shit
if she knew about this.
I cannot believe
you haven't told Gayle.
Well, the lie won't matter
if tomorrow works.
Okay, well...
Glad we're at a church,
so there's a priest
who can do your Last Rites.
Oh, it's not a priest,
it's a pastor.
I don't care.
- Well, have a great date.
- I don't have a date.
Why would you tell me that?
Because I didn't want to have
all the smells in my house.
- [Billie laughs]
- So many smells.
You know how I feel about that.
I just didn't want you there.
[Billie chuckles quietly]
- Billie! Billie.
- Yeah?
- Do you know what time it is?
- [laughs]
Jesus... Jesus Christ.
Love you!
[starts engine]
Okay, what is all this?
Charlotte and Marti,
you'll be stationed here,
in the long hallway
by the sanctuary side door.
Wait, why am I the salt?
Did you have a saltshaker
in your purse?
We should just focus, okay?
Your job is to keep an eye
on the bridal party
and make sure nobody wanders
to the other side
of the building
before we're ready.
Sam, you and June will be here
at the entrance
to the launch party,
just outside the door
at the other end of the hallway.
You'll be in charge
of giving nametags
to our investors.
Gillian, you'll be here
inside the room
running the show.
- I'll be here at 15:00.
- You couldn't say three?
Directly following my ceremony,
in the sanctuary
there'll be wedding photos,
and a cocktail hour
along the side the church
here in the garden.
I'll be running back and forth
between the wedding photos
and the launch party
using the long hallway
that connects the two spaces.
Holy shit.
Now, directly following
the launch party,
we'll help the caterers
flip the room
by gently shoving our investors
out through the back door here.
Oh! And we'll communicate
- using these.
- Yes!
Charlotte and Marti,
you share one.
Sam, you and June get the other.
I should probably
be in charge of that.
- I was in the Girl Scouts.
- No.
One, two, three, test.
What if something goes wrong?
Yeah, what if, miraculously,
something happens?
Do we have some sort of, like,
code of distress?
- [Marti] What?
- [Billie] We'll alert each other
without arousing suspicion
by saying "corn."
It's clear and concise.
Okay, so you don't think
that we're just going
to arouse suspicion?
Anything else?
Yeah. What's Larry gonna do?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Larry.
I totally forgot about you.
Oh! [claps]
Larry can be the salt.
- [drumroll]
- That's cool.
- [big band music]
- [Grace] Is that too tight?
[Patty] Trs vintage.
Trs vintage. Okay.
- [Gillian] Grab the poster.
- Bit of shimmer.
[Gillian] And grab
the flowers and things.
- Make sure you get the fuzzies.
- [background chatter]
[Marti] Okay, we on our way!
- Stop.
- [Patty gasping]
Where the fuck is Billie?
I knew
she should have stayed with me.
- Wait, wait!
- Come on.
Let's... Let's... Billie!
- I'm here!
- [Patty] Great. Go!
Hey, grooms, go, go, go!
- Let's go, parents.
- [Grace] My cousins aren't here.
Traffic, march, whatever.
Go, Grace!
When I fluff this,
I want you to run!
Go get married!
- Go!
- [organ playing "Wedding March"]
[door bangs]
Billie's marrying a woman?
She was wearing a tux.
What'd you think
was gonna happen?
I don't know. I mean,
Diane Keaton wears tuxes.
Oh! It's Joseph.
[Sam] He's not on the list.
Oh, he's my baker,
and my neighbor.
He's not on the list.
It's okay, Sam.
He smells nice,
and he looks good.
Thanks, Joseph. Have a nice day.
[jazz music]
[background chatter]
[bells ring]
By the power vested in me
by the state of Illinois,
I now pronounce you
life partners.
Pronounce you life partners!
- Did she say yes?
- May you go in peace.
They're going in peace.
[all gasp]
- Firm yes on the altar.
- [Charlotte squeals]
Ferret on the move, people.
Be ready.
That's a confirmed yes
on the altar.
Ferret is on the move, people.
Let's go. Confirm.
- Who is Ferret?
- I don't know.
Yes, we confirm.
Ferret is on the move. Over.
- Who are you calling Ferret?
- Billie.
Literally the only person
we care about now.
But why are you calling
her Ferret?
Because she's...
She's ferry.
Ferret is on the move, people!
Can I get a copy?
- Who's Ferret?
- Billie!
She's ferrety.
I got it under control.
[Charlotte screaming]
Oh, dear.
There's no call for that.
They sound very stressed.
Ah, they need raspberry.
Raspberry marker.
No, really, Sam, it'll help.
It'll help calm you down, Sam.
Sam, what...? Sam.
- [Charlotte yelling]
- [Marti] control.
[Charlotte and Marti yell]
[Billie] It's not about you,
Mom. Just be nice.
Time for family pictures.
Step lively, folks.
We've got a lot
of family pictures here, so...
Are you going to tell me
what's going on?
What? Nothing.
Why were you late?
Did you get caught up
in the march?
Patty's been freaking out
about traffic.
[Patty] Step lively!
- Lots of family pictures
- Uh, no.
I just... I had to...
I had to poop.
[Patty] Groom's family first.
So... Billie,
you're the groom-bride.
Let's go.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I just have to...
I have to poop.
I'll be right back.
Billie, where are you going?
Did she eat something weird
at your place last night?
Yeah, she ate something
really weird.
Like... [gags]
Really bad.
Gayle, come line up, dear.
[Gayle] Okay, that's... gross.
You know what?
Get a hold of yourself!
[comical instrumental music]
Okay, just...
How we doing?
Good. We're great.
People are starting to show up,
so that's good.
Did you know there was
a parade in Chicago?
Gayle's wondering
what's going on.
Oh, ah, okay. So what'd you say?
That I had to poop.
And then I ran away.
Okay, that's specific and gross.
- Poop happens.
- Yeah, well, I poop, too.
I think you should
just tell her the truth.
You know? Stop the lying.
- Okay.
- [Billie runs heavily]
I need you to go. For Gayle.
Gayle. Remember? Gayle.
Gayle. Bride. Please?
[June] Isn't Billie beautiful?
I know, it's...
No, no, no! You guys
need to be doing nametags.
Oh, we did nametags.
But there weren't
that many people.
This parade came out of nowhere.
Yes, okay.
If they have a nametag,
give them another.
Give everyone a nametag.
What if they're not on the list?
It's not a club,
so we let people in.
Just smile. Okay? Be warm.
- No hugs.
- Oh.
[Gillian] No hugs for me
or anyone else.
Okay. But what if I know them?
Still kinda creepy,
I'm sure, somewhere.
[Marti] Okay, right.
Then swing it
all the way to the right.
Push me. Yeah, like that! Yeah!
- Like this, like that...
- Stop fighting!
Well, you know, I was...
Okay, she's stressed.
She's stressed.
Oh wait, I think she needs lips.
- No, she doesn't need...
- Lips!
- She's not here, so...
- [Billie] I'm here.
- I'm here.
- [Patty] Ooh, great. Okay.
So, just... You ready?
Yeah, sorry.
- What! Don't...
- [clatter]
[both muttering]
[Patty] Okay. Great, okay.
George, can we just snap a few?
- How was your second poo?
- [camera shutter]
It was great.
- Very satisfying.
- Mm.
It's a yin and a yang.
You have to have a yin and yang,
and you can't have two yangs
or two yins.
- [Patty] Smile.
- [camera shutter]
That's fine, I'm seeing someone.
Did you eat something weird
at Cynthia's last night?
- [Patty] Smile.
- Smile.
- [camera shutter]
- You think it was the tilapia?
Let's get a few
with the two of you
- facing each other.
- [Charlotte] Lips!
[Charlotte and Marti scuffling]
[whispers] Stop.
[scuffling continues]
[Charlotte] God!
And are you okay now?
I just need about 28 minutes.
- That's... specific.
- [camera shutter]
Uh, here.
- Hold my spot.
- What?
- [Gayle] Oh...
- [Patty] Oh, no, sir!
- No, excuse me, no, sir.
- No.
- Ah, Billie...
- [Patty] Sir, no.
- You can't be there.
- Um... okay.
I just want her to look pretty!
[Marti] Get your ass...!
[claps] Eyes here!
I need you to focus!
The fuck is wrong with you guys?
I told you to be discreet.
- [Billie sighs]
- [Marti yells] I am discreet!
I just wanted to...
The Ferret is on the move.
Now you like the word "ferret."
This one is honeysuckle rose,
but it really has
a raspberry tone to it.
The Ferret is on the move!
- I played a trick on you,
- Uh-oh
but I think it was strawberry.
Thank you, thank you so much
for coming.
If you just step inside,
our CFO will get you
a welcome packet.
Thank you.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you for coming.
- June!
- What?
Stop smelling the markers!
They're for the nametags.
- Billie, it helps calm people.
- [Billie gasping]
We are calm!
Just... stop.
You don't have a calm tone.
- [Billie stifles yell]
- You look lovely.
I'm sorry.
Who let her have the markers?
You pick your battles, okay?
She likes the markers,
I let her sniff them.
What are you doing here?
Spit out the cookie.
You're supposed to be
with Gayle. Spit out the cookie.
Go, go. Find her, find Gayle.
- Okay, that was mean.
- Whew.
- I didn't mean to be aggressive.
- No...
I'm just, ah... It's hot.
[Patty] Okay!
So, since the groom-bride
is M.I.A.,
I guess we'll just do some
with the bride-bride
and the mother and father
of the bride-bride.
Okay, uh, where's your father?
Oh, where he always is,
in the bar.
- [Patty mutters]
- Apparently, he felt a scotch
was more important than photos.
- Mom...
- [Cynthia] I can step in.
- I'll do that.
- [Patty] Cynthia.
- Happy to.
- [Patty] Cynthia.
- Just be a...
- [Patty] No.
- Three ladies?
- [Patty] Get out of there.
- I need a drink.
- [Grace sighs]
- [Patty] Okay... smile!
- Just like your father.
- Mm, I don't think so.
- [camera shutter]
I don't know why you would have
a parade in Chicago
just to have a parade
because it's a city.
- You know? You have...
- [Vivian] Gillian?
Mom. Hi.
Did you put all
of this together?
- Well... we did.
- We did.
This is
my business partner, Billie.
I'm so happy to see you
finally doing something
productive with your life!
Oh, so nice to meet you...
Nice to meet you, too.
I'm actually here to invest.
You really want to invest?
- Of course!
- Wait, this is your mom?
My family owns
Hillsbury Farms, so...
Hillsbury Farms?
Part of Big Strawberry.
Do you know it?
We work with Cyn
over at Market Media Outreach,
she mentioned
that an app like yours
would help us tremendously.
I made a few initial inquiries,
and, bottom line,
Big Strawberry
is prepared to offer you
seventy-five thousand dollars
to develop your app.
- Seventy-five thousand dollars?
- [Vivian] Oh, oh...
[phone ringing]
Excuse me.
This is high priority.
Thank you.
Wait, your family's rich?
We're very rich.
Why do you drive
such a shitty car
if your family's part
of Big Strawberry?
My therapist said
it would make me more relatable.
Here I thought
you were all tough and scrappy
like some sort
of grown-up Oliver Twist,
but really you're like
the anti-Oliver Twist.
You're, like, not a child
who was taught how to steal
things by a creepy old man.
I bet you're not an alcoholic.
I'm a raging alcoholic.
Yes. Since she was 12.
[big band music]
- Here, here. I'm here.
- [Patty] Oh, yay!
[camera shutter]
[music ends]
Hi, hello. Hi.
I want to thank everyone
for coming this evening.
And before we get started,
I just wanted to take a minute
to introduce someone
that without
we wouldn't be here right now.
So, let me welcome to the stage
the CEO
of Freelancers Anonymous,
and my friend, Billie Kingston.
- I'm starving.
- [Patty] Bride-bride is hungry?
Don't worry. I have some candies
in the back room.
Excuse me, sir. Do me a favor.
Run to the back room
and bring me back my box
of beautifully wrapped candies.
They're in a blue, reusable bag
under the corner table.
It has a picture
of a cartoon bird
playing the harmonica.
It's about yea big,
and it's next to a green bag.
But don't touch the green bag.
That's personal.
Only the blue bag.
- Well, go.
- I need a...
Can we go
into the reception hall
and grab some hors d'oeuvres
or something?
[Patty] Paul? [snaps]
My timeline says some group
called Freelancers Anonymous
- reserved the room...
- Freelancers...?
[Patty] ...right up
until we start the reception.
- [dramatic music]
- Shit!
Gayle, where are you going?
Bride-bride on the loose!
[Charlotte indistinct]
[Marti] Otter's on the loose!
Come in, come in, come in!
There's an otter loose.
Oh, no.
[Billie] force.
Here at Freelancers Anonymous,
our mission is to connect women
with the opportunity
for freelance work
with businesses that share
in our goal
to close the gender and pay gap
for women in technology.
- [Gillian and Sam silently]
- [Billie] Thing is,
we want to provide resources
for women
looking for employment,
and the opportunity for you
to be a part of the solution.
Our strategy is to curate
a well-vetted list
of diverse women of STEM degrees
to increase efficiency
and innovation.
And that's exactly
what we want to do here.
A women-driven startup
at Freelancers Anonymous.
- Corn!
- Billie!
[background chatter]
[June gasping] Billie!
The Otter is here!
What the hell is this?
Everyone, this is my wife Gayle.
She's beautiful.
Stop... stop clapping.
[June breathing heavily]
Would you like a nametag, dear?
What? No.
- [June] Never mind.
- So...
So, I can explain.
Oh, you can explain?
You don't have to go poo again?
That's a specific question.
- You can take something for it.
- Uh...
You have spent
the last few months
lying to my face!
- Gayle, what is going on?
- Not now, Mom!
Who are these people?
- They're here for my company.
- [Gayle] What company?
Freelancers Anonymous.
Billie, please stop lying.
[Billie] It's true.
I was waiting until
the launch party to tell you,
but I wanted to show you
what I could do.
I lied, but I lied for the good.
What does that mean?
It means
I was doing something for us.
This isn't a game, Billie!
This is our life!
I know.
Are you happy we got married?
Am I happy we got married?
I fucking love you, you moron!
Well, I love you, too!
- Well then, great!
- Great!
- Okay!
- Awesome!
Why are we yelling?
Because you yelled at me,
so I'm yelling back at you!
That's fair!
- [laughing] Okay.
- Okay...
[whispers] Yes, so we have
investors, is the thing, so...
Nice to meet you,
you look stunning.
So, this is,
like, a real company?
Yeah, this is really happening.
I found my thing.
You can say goodbye
to Anne Westgate.
["The Best Friend Song"
by Michael Martinez]
I fucking love you.
You know Anne Westgate?
Who is Anne Westgate?
Are they in a threesome?
That's hot, actually.
We have so much to celebrate
at the office on Monday.
- I'll make a cake.
- [all] No.
Oh. Okay, that resolved quickly.
I found them!
And doesn't it feel great
when you work hard,
push through, buckle up,
take a chance?
I love my job.
In 11,560 days I can retire.
And with a smile on my face.
You have a company to run.
- You'll be late. Go!
- All right.
- Go be a boss lady.
- [Billie] Okay.
[Gayle] Bye!
Don't forget to use
your hand signals!
[Billie] I won't!
We can clean up
Truly any mess
And our own problems
We'll rise above them
And all the rest
'Cause it's easy to see...
Oh! [laughs]
[Janey chuckling]
- [laughing]
- [visitor] Hi.
- [rattle]
- Well... [sighs]
Can I help you?
Yes, I'm
with Freelancers Anonymous...
I'm sorry?
I was told specifically
to ask for somebody named Cyn...
That's me. Hi, I'm Cyn.
I'm in charge.
Come right this way.
[Janey laughing]
In the blink of an eye
When two eyes meet
One another
Though the search
For true love
Is the ultimate
Don't waste too much time
Searching for it
If it comes to you
You know
You'll be happier to
The only people
Worth your while
Are the people
Who make you smile
That's why it's easy to see
What you mean to me
The only one
It's easy to be me
I just wrote this song
I wrote this song
I wrote this song
Yes, I will sing this song
For you
[song ends]
["Never Give Up"
by Stephanie Rice]
Lightning and thunder
Came to my door
Gave a knock
My heart wanted more
I let him within
When he came to win my heart
Oh, I'll never give up
I'm gonna never give up
I'm gonna... ooh
Oh, I'll never give up
I'm gonna never give up
I'm gonna... ooh
[music fades]