Friends: The Stuff You've Never Seen (2001) Movie Script
It only takes two heart attacks
To finally make you see
One of them won 't do it
But the second will set you fr...
I say, I did the song wrong.
It's hard to tell, but I know.
No, I don't wanna switch. Come on.
I can throw wet paper towels here!
Well, at Monica's you can eat...
It's him. I'm sorry,
but this is allowed to happen.
Phoebe, I don't wanna switch.
Come on, please, I can throw
wet paper towels here.
Well, at Monica's...
I'm sorry. It's gonna happen.
How is it ever gonna get said?
- Need Zen help?
- Yeah.
- Zen.
- Because it's not silly.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
- Action.
- No, no, Phoebe...
Maybe I just better say the line.
Phoebe, I can do...
- I can throw wet paper towels here.
- But, no...
- Okay, it's all right. I can do it.
- Yes, you can. Ready?
Yeah.
Chandler, we said we would meet
at the coffee house at 6.
We said 7, you dumb whore-bag.
That's what you get
for making me start all over.
And action.
Monica's gotta have
the phone in the right place...
We are fixing it.
He's gone, he's wigged.
Oh, no, you didn't. I did.
Our last pizzas together as roommates.
I wish I'd known you were
going to do that. I ordered...
Our last dinner together.
Me, bringing the food of...
- Let me start that again.
- You see, the way it works is that...
...they shoot the part...
...with Dick Clark in Times Square.
That's all actually live.
But they tape the dance party stuff.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I really am...
I'm melting.
Hold it. You're not talking about...
...Dick Clark's New Year's Eve
Rocking Special?
We're celebrating it tonight.
Hey, why don't you book a day
at one of those romantic spars?
Hey, buddy, do you think I can
borrow your uniferm? Say this...
"Uniferm"?
- All right, I got it.
- Here we go.
Hey, it's Porsche.
Look, come on, I don't know
what to do... or say.
Very funny. Look, I don't know what
to do, you know? Holy Christ...
Why am I having such a hard time?
Very funny.
Look, I don't know what to do.
Jesus.
It is one of those days.
What the hell is the line?!
Action.
You guys gotta come see this one.
Mark.
You girls got a measuring tape?
Are you saying that you don't
want to get with this?
You see, I don't...
You got it.
Joey, what are you doing?
You got it.
- And action.
- You got it.
- What are you doing?
- I work here.
- Here we go. Stand by.
- Don't laugh at that.
And action.
You got it.
Joey, what are you doing?
You're like:
This is you, David:
Here we go. And quiet please.
And action.
You got it.
- I wanna hug you.
- You hug me.
Uncomfortable.
Come on, here we go.
Hey, while we're here, anything else?
Get off me.
Matt's face is better on this side.
What's that in your pocket?
- Okay.
- You better not get me sick.
- I broke.
- You broke? Okay.
I broke.
- And stand by.
- I'm doing my brother.
- That's gross.
- Action.
All I'm saying is, it's one thing...
...being prepared for an attack
against each other...
...whole other story being prepared
for, like, I don't know, "Surprise!"
- X camera, you good?
- X camera, you good?
- What? That's terrible.
- No, it's not. We do it every year.
And we've never founded them.
Never founded them.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Come on, reset.
Action.
Action.
Oh, come on.
Oh, I don't want that. No.
You're right. I can't date her.
Yeah, and you gotta wash
the fer... The...
You're right.
That's when I make my move.
Now, what was that all about?
Does it not taste good? Let me try that.
No, no, no!
There is too much.
It tastes like feet.
It tastes like feet.
Okay, we're good.
- Here we go. Action.
- I like it.
I can see that...
I'm gonna lead him
in again, okay, Kev?
- Action.
- It tastes like feet.
Oh, it does work.
- That is a different phone.
- Oh, is it? Is it?
Somebody's actually here.
Hello? Hi.
Let me call you right back,
I'm doing a scene.
Monica!
Come down a little wider,
slower too. Here we go.
Yeah, that was a little...
Camera. Action.
Rachel?! Monica?!
- Jesus, sorry.
- Yeah, even a little wider.
Yeah! Come on!
Chandler, I just figured out
who you are.
Honey, you gotta see this.
This is like the size of my arm.
So either the dog goes or I go, okay?
Either the dog goes or the mime goes.
- Did you two...?
- You know I don't sleep with guys...
...on the first date.
David Crane, Kevin Bright,
Marta Kauffman.
- Anymore.
- Okay.
Happy birthday, grandma.
Better to be over the hill...
- Look, it comes with a phone.
- It does.
Yeah, apparently a bunch
of the invitations weren't delivered.
There was a problem... Sorry.
- I dialed the wrong number.
- Okay, good.
Phoebe, what about friends of your
grandmother? I mean, there's... Does...?
What about friends of your
grandmother's? Do none...? I can't.
I know, I know.
Friends of your grandmother's?
Do they not have the recipe...?
- Jesus.
- We got it on the third pass.
- What about friends of your grandmom?
- "Grandmom"?
"Grandmom."
And... No, she uses sex as a weapon.
Fine, thank you for warning me.
At breakfast I'll be on guard for...
- And she uses sex as a weapon.
- Fine, thank you for... What is it?
- Thank you for...?
- Action.
- And she uses sex as a weapon.
- Fine.
I got it. We'll just do
the scene one line at a time.
- You got one.
- I'll lead you in.
I got an Emmy. What...?
I knew you were gonna
throw that in my face.
That was three years ago.
She apologized and apologized.
- What more do you want?!
- We want the last six years!
This is what I'm looking at:
"What more do you want?"
And action.
No, you don't know the system.
We don't need nobody
messing with the system.
Good God, I'm so dramatic!
I can't believe you're
nominated for an Emmy.
- No, no.
- Oh, Soap Opera Digest Award!
- What?
- I don't know.
Maybe I'll try it some other way.
Oh, I can't believe it,
you're nominated for an Emmy.
- No, no.
- Oh, Soap Opera Digest Award.
- No.
- Soap Opera Digest Award.
No, no, I'm up for a Sudsy.
- I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
- I'm sorry, it's like a geyser in here.
- Your mouth, you mean?
- Yeah.
No, we cannot let her stay...
...because if we let her stay,
she will stay here forever.
- Action.
- All right, I'll see if they can cancel it.
Or maybe they can just put eyes
on the hoochies, and we'll say that it's...
- Action.
- All right, well, I'll see if...
- We get it out eventually.
- Oh, I'll get it out.
It's just getting it out that counts. It
doesn't matter, the sequence or timing.
All right, I'll just see
if they can cancel it.
Or maybe they can just...
It's funny.
I can't wait for you to hear it.
Action.
Oh, my God, what's happening?
- Okay, it's...
- Don't do it!
- Don't do what?
- I have to. Okay?
- Don't do it.
- I have to.
You hear that?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You can't...
You have... I don't know, what do I say?
Okay, now what is my first line?
- "What did we agree?"
- Okay.
Yes, that's right, but also, Hanukkah.
- What is it?
- "You're part Jewish."
Oh, yeah.
- So don't take any food.
- Man, I know all of his lines.
- Yeah, you do.
- All right, let's go.
- I used to love to play restaurant.
- Not as much as you loved to play...
- You know, I can't do it.
- I understand that feeling so well.
He cannot play our wedding.
Everyone will leave.
It'll be like when he rapped
at my butt mitsvah.
Your "butt mitsvah"?
Again? I got it, Rach, okay?
Let's start sailing.
And I want to go over there
to that boatload of girls.
Oh, okay, is that what you want to do?
I don't want to go:
I'll tell you that much.
Look, Chandler, I told you,
don't tell anyone about this dog thing.
- Okay, now let's...
- It's like... I'm not finished.
Oh, well, it... It sounds...
- Don't go...
- I won't.
- Sounds to me.
- I won't. I will not.
Okay, where do you think she'll be?
Where can we find her?
- I don't know, maybe in the city.
- Yeah, yeah. Where...?
Maybe she's up in Greenwich Village.
Okay, look, I didn't read the box
before I opened the box.
You can't send the box back
before you've opened the box.
- That's not right.
- I bought it.
I didn't read the box
before I opened the box.
You can't send the box back
once you open the box!
Come on.
That's right, because I'm a Tribbiani...
...and this is what we do.
Okay, we may not be great thinkers...
...or world leaders, or, or...
We may not be able to remember
what we're supposed to say.
- Oh, I'm sorry, we have to do that again.
- How could I have done that wrong?
Sometimes you can do everything right.
Everyone can wear everything... Okay.
- Read your script.
- Hush.
I knew it. I knew I wasn't crazy.
- Oh, poor Ross.
- I know.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- All right, ready.
- Have you ever seen this show?
What? I've kept all of our secrets.
I'm an excellent sepret-keeper...
What? I'm an excellent secret-keeper.
I've kept all of our secrets.
What secrets?
Ross, doesn't Ben go
to Smithfield Day School?
Yeah, wh...?
You go there too?
- You knew that was gonna happen.
- Oh, and Sherry's my... Sherry.
Wait, this shouldn't be that funny.
Hey, hey.
Action.
- Let's go. What happened?
- Everything's fine.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- How do you know that wasn't a choice?
- Is everything okay?
Everything's fine.
How do I get into it?
It was something called
Braxton Hicks contractions.
Oh, thank God.
I don't remember the line.
"Oh, thank God," what is it?
When you beeped me...
...I was online at the concession stand
at the movie theater.
You just suck.
What happened to you?
You used to be able to act.
I know. I don't know what happened.
You were so good.
Oh, God, Chandler's
making his sex face.
Oh, God, Chandler
is doing his sex face.
Just for now, don't make any faces.
Oh, God, Chandler
is doing his sex face.
Never gonna happen.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Whoa, one hand on the sheet, Joe.
- Oh, sorry, got you.
- You saw it, didn't you?
- I saw it.
Okay, this is it, this is it.
This is my big fight scene coming up.
Jesus.
Apparently, it's about a girl
who moves to the... Okay.
I'm naked.
- Well, what's he like?
- Well, he's tall.
- Sure.
- He's got brown hair.
A tall guy with hair similar to mine.
Oh, unknowable universe.
- He works with food.
- Oh, yeah, yeah... Oh, God.
- I know.
- What happened?
You're thrown off by the hundreds of
people not laughing at what I just said.
You can commit,
and it still doesn't matter.
I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists
with rogue third-world fam... Families?
- No.
- Let's go back.
- All right, how about you, Chandler?
- Well, Joe, I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists
with rogue Soviet nations.
I have problems
with the King's English.
- How about you, Chandler?
- Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet...
It was his voice. His voice.
Chandler?
How about you, Chandler?
- That's not even the hard line.
- Yeah.
- Action.
- How about you, Chandler?
Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists
with rogue third-world nations.
Excellent. Oh, shit.
It'll be weird and awkward, but you
just got to... You have to... Oh, God.
Let's just keep going.
You've just at least got to try.
That's not useable. You can't do that.
You have to be serious.
Will's in town on business,
and he doesn't have anywhere to go.
I'll just hold this. And...
Take it from the restaurant.
I was perfect until then.
I don't know why we have to go
back and try everything so...
- I don't want to. I don't want to do it...
- Okay. All right. It's good.
Here we go.
I don't want to do it again now.
The word "bouillabaisse" sounds
like a ringing in my ears.
Just don't make me do it again.
- Well, then use take one. Stop.
- What?
Here we go. Here we go. Stand by.
- I don't know. Let me see it then.
- Just take...
Oh, like you didn't mess up
12 times just a second ago.
Yeah, man.
Okay, here's the extras:
Handcuffs, spanking...
Maybe...
- Do, "No, no."
- No, that'll make us laugh.
- No, no, do it.
- Okay.
No, no!
- You were right.
- I was right.
- All right, do it.
- No, no.
Maybe Monica's playing a joke on you.
What are you looking at over there?
I'm right here.
Hey.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Action.
Thank you.
What?
- How much do you have that's good?
- None.
None of it? Okay.
What?
- And I like you as a friend.
- All right.
- See you later.
- See you.
Jack-off.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Where's Mon?
- Wow, you took a long time to do that.
- You're right in front of the camera.
- I am?
Yeah.
Trying to get in the show.
- And I would like for them to bond.
- Okay, fine. But I don't want them...
Start over, Jenny. You had
a really bad shadow on you.
- Where am I?
- I'll clear you.
- Thanks.
- Action.
Hey, so I was thinking, if it's okay...
What happened to her marrying Connor?
I mean, that's... Right, right.
- Real life's more important.
- And action.
Do...?
I'm so sorry, I thought
we were already acting.
What?
The audience is like,
"Emmy Award winning?"
Well, if you want,
I could loan you some money.
No?
It's all this laughing
that's getting in the way.
Man with eye patch. Now, you get
in there, and you do your job.
- Are you kidding me?
- I'm sorry.
- Action.
- She carries that tray to the doctor...
...because if she doesn't, people die.
Oh, no.
Can't we do it this way?
Divide the groups
into six groups of 40...
...and the remaining 10
is counted by whoever has not...
Here we go. We need
to sort through the tickets...
...as quickly as possible to see...
- Breathe when you say that.
- Take a breath, babe.
- Okay.
- No.
I know, it hurts.
Being stood up has left a cr...
- Action.
- I know, it hurts.
Being stood up...
- You're not even looking at me.
- I can't look at him.
Sorry, okay, okay. We're good,
we're good. Ready.
Action.
Okay.
The saltshaker... No.
No, no, no...
Dad, I don't think that
we need to hear about this.
- Not.
- So far, perfect.
I'm cl...
Hey, my first mistake.
That's right, your husband is home,
so the sex can stop.
- What?
- You know what I mean.
- I was busy looking at Joey.
- Busy looking at Joey? Great.
Good call.
On my mark.
- Hi.
- Nice rack.
- He thinks I'm a slut.
- Have you looked in the mirror?
Oh, they... They...
On my mark. Tail sticks on Y.
- Matty, your line.
- Which Matty, Ben? There's two of us.
Nine years. You think he would've
figured that one out.
Like first grade when Skippy Lang would
push me on the... Playground? Fireplace?
- Somewhere.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna say something like that.
It's like in first grade...
...when Skippy Lang would always
push me on the playground.
See if he could push me over
or something. What is the line?
I'm never gonna get it.
I'm sweating, literally sweating.
Like when Skippy Lang used to push me
around on the playground all the time.
I don't want to play.
Trust me, take it from me.
Tell... Let me tell you something.
Did you tell her what we talked about?
How do you know a woman like that?
Hey, whoa, I'm not allowed
to know smart women?
- Joey.
- I met her at the library.
I went in to back one out.
L... Jesus.
All right, I guess now that I'm up,
I'm gonna go back one out.
- Okay, do it again.
- How do you know a woman like that?
Whoa, whoa, I'm not allowed
to know smart women?
Joey.
I met her at the library.
I went in to lay a little cable.
- I got a million of them.
- Yes, you do.
Here, kids, kids! Roll your way to...
- "Kids, kids!"
- That's good.
- I can't stop. "Kids, kids!"
- Shut up.
I'm sorry.
- Ready?
- Oh, everyone's ready.
- Action.
- Kids, kids!
Now, the saltshaker is off-limits...
...but the salt...
I wish I had thought this through.
- I'll do that again.
- Okay. How?
I don't know.
We know about your party, Joey.
- What party?
- The game's over. Take off your robe.
Okay. I mean...
- No!
- No, close it up!
To finally make you see
One of them won 't do it
But the second will set you fr...
I say, I did the song wrong.
It's hard to tell, but I know.
No, I don't wanna switch. Come on.
I can throw wet paper towels here!
Well, at Monica's you can eat...
It's him. I'm sorry,
but this is allowed to happen.
Phoebe, I don't wanna switch.
Come on, please, I can throw
wet paper towels here.
Well, at Monica's...
I'm sorry. It's gonna happen.
How is it ever gonna get said?
- Need Zen help?
- Yeah.
- Zen.
- Because it's not silly.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
- Action.
- No, no, Phoebe...
Maybe I just better say the line.
Phoebe, I can do...
- I can throw wet paper towels here.
- But, no...
- Okay, it's all right. I can do it.
- Yes, you can. Ready?
Yeah.
Chandler, we said we would meet
at the coffee house at 6.
We said 7, you dumb whore-bag.
That's what you get
for making me start all over.
And action.
Monica's gotta have
the phone in the right place...
We are fixing it.
He's gone, he's wigged.
Oh, no, you didn't. I did.
Our last pizzas together as roommates.
I wish I'd known you were
going to do that. I ordered...
Our last dinner together.
Me, bringing the food of...
- Let me start that again.
- You see, the way it works is that...
...they shoot the part...
...with Dick Clark in Times Square.
That's all actually live.
But they tape the dance party stuff.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I really am...
I'm melting.
Hold it. You're not talking about...
...Dick Clark's New Year's Eve
Rocking Special?
We're celebrating it tonight.
Hey, why don't you book a day
at one of those romantic spars?
Hey, buddy, do you think I can
borrow your uniferm? Say this...
"Uniferm"?
- All right, I got it.
- Here we go.
Hey, it's Porsche.
Look, come on, I don't know
what to do... or say.
Very funny. Look, I don't know what
to do, you know? Holy Christ...
Why am I having such a hard time?
Very funny.
Look, I don't know what to do.
Jesus.
It is one of those days.
What the hell is the line?!
Action.
You guys gotta come see this one.
Mark.
You girls got a measuring tape?
Are you saying that you don't
want to get with this?
You see, I don't...
You got it.
Joey, what are you doing?
You got it.
- And action.
- You got it.
- What are you doing?
- I work here.
- Here we go. Stand by.
- Don't laugh at that.
And action.
You got it.
Joey, what are you doing?
You're like:
This is you, David:
Here we go. And quiet please.
And action.
You got it.
- I wanna hug you.
- You hug me.
Uncomfortable.
Come on, here we go.
Hey, while we're here, anything else?
Get off me.
Matt's face is better on this side.
What's that in your pocket?
- Okay.
- You better not get me sick.
- I broke.
- You broke? Okay.
I broke.
- And stand by.
- I'm doing my brother.
- That's gross.
- Action.
All I'm saying is, it's one thing...
...being prepared for an attack
against each other...
...whole other story being prepared
for, like, I don't know, "Surprise!"
- X camera, you good?
- X camera, you good?
- What? That's terrible.
- No, it's not. We do it every year.
And we've never founded them.
Never founded them.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Come on, reset.
Action.
Action.
Oh, come on.
Oh, I don't want that. No.
You're right. I can't date her.
Yeah, and you gotta wash
the fer... The...
You're right.
That's when I make my move.
Now, what was that all about?
Does it not taste good? Let me try that.
No, no, no!
There is too much.
It tastes like feet.
It tastes like feet.
Okay, we're good.
- Here we go. Action.
- I like it.
I can see that...
I'm gonna lead him
in again, okay, Kev?
- Action.
- It tastes like feet.
Oh, it does work.
- That is a different phone.
- Oh, is it? Is it?
Somebody's actually here.
Hello? Hi.
Let me call you right back,
I'm doing a scene.
Monica!
Come down a little wider,
slower too. Here we go.
Yeah, that was a little...
Camera. Action.
Rachel?! Monica?!
- Jesus, sorry.
- Yeah, even a little wider.
Yeah! Come on!
Chandler, I just figured out
who you are.
Honey, you gotta see this.
This is like the size of my arm.
So either the dog goes or I go, okay?
Either the dog goes or the mime goes.
- Did you two...?
- You know I don't sleep with guys...
...on the first date.
David Crane, Kevin Bright,
Marta Kauffman.
- Anymore.
- Okay.
Happy birthday, grandma.
Better to be over the hill...
- Look, it comes with a phone.
- It does.
Yeah, apparently a bunch
of the invitations weren't delivered.
There was a problem... Sorry.
- I dialed the wrong number.
- Okay, good.
Phoebe, what about friends of your
grandmother? I mean, there's... Does...?
What about friends of your
grandmother's? Do none...? I can't.
I know, I know.
Friends of your grandmother's?
Do they not have the recipe...?
- Jesus.
- We got it on the third pass.
- What about friends of your grandmom?
- "Grandmom"?
"Grandmom."
And... No, she uses sex as a weapon.
Fine, thank you for warning me.
At breakfast I'll be on guard for...
- And she uses sex as a weapon.
- Fine, thank you for... What is it?
- Thank you for...?
- Action.
- And she uses sex as a weapon.
- Fine.
I got it. We'll just do
the scene one line at a time.
- You got one.
- I'll lead you in.
I got an Emmy. What...?
I knew you were gonna
throw that in my face.
That was three years ago.
She apologized and apologized.
- What more do you want?!
- We want the last six years!
This is what I'm looking at:
"What more do you want?"
And action.
No, you don't know the system.
We don't need nobody
messing with the system.
Good God, I'm so dramatic!
I can't believe you're
nominated for an Emmy.
- No, no.
- Oh, Soap Opera Digest Award!
- What?
- I don't know.
Maybe I'll try it some other way.
Oh, I can't believe it,
you're nominated for an Emmy.
- No, no.
- Oh, Soap Opera Digest Award.
- No.
- Soap Opera Digest Award.
No, no, I'm up for a Sudsy.
- I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
- I'm sorry, it's like a geyser in here.
- Your mouth, you mean?
- Yeah.
No, we cannot let her stay...
...because if we let her stay,
she will stay here forever.
- Action.
- All right, I'll see if they can cancel it.
Or maybe they can just put eyes
on the hoochies, and we'll say that it's...
- Action.
- All right, well, I'll see if...
- We get it out eventually.
- Oh, I'll get it out.
It's just getting it out that counts. It
doesn't matter, the sequence or timing.
All right, I'll just see
if they can cancel it.
Or maybe they can just...
It's funny.
I can't wait for you to hear it.
Action.
Oh, my God, what's happening?
- Okay, it's...
- Don't do it!
- Don't do what?
- I have to. Okay?
- Don't do it.
- I have to.
You hear that?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You can't...
You have... I don't know, what do I say?
Okay, now what is my first line?
- "What did we agree?"
- Okay.
Yes, that's right, but also, Hanukkah.
- What is it?
- "You're part Jewish."
Oh, yeah.
- So don't take any food.
- Man, I know all of his lines.
- Yeah, you do.
- All right, let's go.
- I used to love to play restaurant.
- Not as much as you loved to play...
- You know, I can't do it.
- I understand that feeling so well.
He cannot play our wedding.
Everyone will leave.
It'll be like when he rapped
at my butt mitsvah.
Your "butt mitsvah"?
Again? I got it, Rach, okay?
Let's start sailing.
And I want to go over there
to that boatload of girls.
Oh, okay, is that what you want to do?
I don't want to go:
I'll tell you that much.
Look, Chandler, I told you,
don't tell anyone about this dog thing.
- Okay, now let's...
- It's like... I'm not finished.
Oh, well, it... It sounds...
- Don't go...
- I won't.
- Sounds to me.
- I won't. I will not.
Okay, where do you think she'll be?
Where can we find her?
- I don't know, maybe in the city.
- Yeah, yeah. Where...?
Maybe she's up in Greenwich Village.
Okay, look, I didn't read the box
before I opened the box.
You can't send the box back
before you've opened the box.
- That's not right.
- I bought it.
I didn't read the box
before I opened the box.
You can't send the box back
once you open the box!
Come on.
That's right, because I'm a Tribbiani...
...and this is what we do.
Okay, we may not be great thinkers...
...or world leaders, or, or...
We may not be able to remember
what we're supposed to say.
- Oh, I'm sorry, we have to do that again.
- How could I have done that wrong?
Sometimes you can do everything right.
Everyone can wear everything... Okay.
- Read your script.
- Hush.
I knew it. I knew I wasn't crazy.
- Oh, poor Ross.
- I know.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- All right, ready.
- Have you ever seen this show?
What? I've kept all of our secrets.
I'm an excellent sepret-keeper...
What? I'm an excellent secret-keeper.
I've kept all of our secrets.
What secrets?
Ross, doesn't Ben go
to Smithfield Day School?
Yeah, wh...?
You go there too?
- You knew that was gonna happen.
- Oh, and Sherry's my... Sherry.
Wait, this shouldn't be that funny.
Hey, hey.
Action.
- Let's go. What happened?
- Everything's fine.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- How do you know that wasn't a choice?
- Is everything okay?
Everything's fine.
How do I get into it?
It was something called
Braxton Hicks contractions.
Oh, thank God.
I don't remember the line.
"Oh, thank God," what is it?
When you beeped me...
...I was online at the concession stand
at the movie theater.
You just suck.
What happened to you?
You used to be able to act.
I know. I don't know what happened.
You were so good.
Oh, God, Chandler's
making his sex face.
Oh, God, Chandler
is doing his sex face.
Just for now, don't make any faces.
Oh, God, Chandler
is doing his sex face.
Never gonna happen.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Whoa, one hand on the sheet, Joe.
- Oh, sorry, got you.
- You saw it, didn't you?
- I saw it.
Okay, this is it, this is it.
This is my big fight scene coming up.
Jesus.
Apparently, it's about a girl
who moves to the... Okay.
I'm naked.
- Well, what's he like?
- Well, he's tall.
- Sure.
- He's got brown hair.
A tall guy with hair similar to mine.
Oh, unknowable universe.
- He works with food.
- Oh, yeah, yeah... Oh, God.
- I know.
- What happened?
You're thrown off by the hundreds of
people not laughing at what I just said.
You can commit,
and it still doesn't matter.
I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists
with rogue third-world fam... Families?
- No.
- Let's go back.
- All right, how about you, Chandler?
- Well, Joe, I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists
with rogue Soviet nations.
I have problems
with the King's English.
- How about you, Chandler?
- Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet...
It was his voice. His voice.
Chandler?
How about you, Chandler?
- That's not even the hard line.
- Yeah.
- Action.
- How about you, Chandler?
Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists
with rogue third-world nations.
Excellent. Oh, shit.
It'll be weird and awkward, but you
just got to... You have to... Oh, God.
Let's just keep going.
You've just at least got to try.
That's not useable. You can't do that.
You have to be serious.
Will's in town on business,
and he doesn't have anywhere to go.
I'll just hold this. And...
Take it from the restaurant.
I was perfect until then.
I don't know why we have to go
back and try everything so...
- I don't want to. I don't want to do it...
- Okay. All right. It's good.
Here we go.
I don't want to do it again now.
The word "bouillabaisse" sounds
like a ringing in my ears.
Just don't make me do it again.
- Well, then use take one. Stop.
- What?
Here we go. Here we go. Stand by.
- I don't know. Let me see it then.
- Just take...
Oh, like you didn't mess up
12 times just a second ago.
Yeah, man.
Okay, here's the extras:
Handcuffs, spanking...
Maybe...
- Do, "No, no."
- No, that'll make us laugh.
- No, no, do it.
- Okay.
No, no!
- You were right.
- I was right.
- All right, do it.
- No, no.
Maybe Monica's playing a joke on you.
What are you looking at over there?
I'm right here.
Hey.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Action.
Thank you.
What?
- How much do you have that's good?
- None.
None of it? Okay.
What?
- And I like you as a friend.
- All right.
- See you later.
- See you.
Jack-off.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Where's Mon?
- Wow, you took a long time to do that.
- You're right in front of the camera.
- I am?
Yeah.
Trying to get in the show.
- And I would like for them to bond.
- Okay, fine. But I don't want them...
Start over, Jenny. You had
a really bad shadow on you.
- Where am I?
- I'll clear you.
- Thanks.
- Action.
Hey, so I was thinking, if it's okay...
What happened to her marrying Connor?
I mean, that's... Right, right.
- Real life's more important.
- And action.
Do...?
I'm so sorry, I thought
we were already acting.
What?
The audience is like,
"Emmy Award winning?"
Well, if you want,
I could loan you some money.
No?
It's all this laughing
that's getting in the way.
Man with eye patch. Now, you get
in there, and you do your job.
- Are you kidding me?
- I'm sorry.
- Action.
- She carries that tray to the doctor...
...because if she doesn't, people die.
Oh, no.
Can't we do it this way?
Divide the groups
into six groups of 40...
...and the remaining 10
is counted by whoever has not...
Here we go. We need
to sort through the tickets...
...as quickly as possible to see...
- Breathe when you say that.
- Take a breath, babe.
- Okay.
- No.
I know, it hurts.
Being stood up has left a cr...
- Action.
- I know, it hurts.
Being stood up...
- You're not even looking at me.
- I can't look at him.
Sorry, okay, okay. We're good,
we're good. Ready.
Action.
Okay.
The saltshaker... No.
No, no, no...
Dad, I don't think that
we need to hear about this.
- Not.
- So far, perfect.
I'm cl...
Hey, my first mistake.
That's right, your husband is home,
so the sex can stop.
- What?
- You know what I mean.
- I was busy looking at Joey.
- Busy looking at Joey? Great.
Good call.
On my mark.
- Hi.
- Nice rack.
- He thinks I'm a slut.
- Have you looked in the mirror?
Oh, they... They...
On my mark. Tail sticks on Y.
- Matty, your line.
- Which Matty, Ben? There's two of us.
Nine years. You think he would've
figured that one out.
Like first grade when Skippy Lang would
push me on the... Playground? Fireplace?
- Somewhere.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna say something like that.
It's like in first grade...
...when Skippy Lang would always
push me on the playground.
See if he could push me over
or something. What is the line?
I'm never gonna get it.
I'm sweating, literally sweating.
Like when Skippy Lang used to push me
around on the playground all the time.
I don't want to play.
Trust me, take it from me.
Tell... Let me tell you something.
Did you tell her what we talked about?
How do you know a woman like that?
Hey, whoa, I'm not allowed
to know smart women?
- Joey.
- I met her at the library.
I went in to back one out.
L... Jesus.
All right, I guess now that I'm up,
I'm gonna go back one out.
- Okay, do it again.
- How do you know a woman like that?
Whoa, whoa, I'm not allowed
to know smart women?
Joey.
I met her at the library.
I went in to lay a little cable.
- I got a million of them.
- Yes, you do.
Here, kids, kids! Roll your way to...
- "Kids, kids!"
- That's good.
- I can't stop. "Kids, kids!"
- Shut up.
I'm sorry.
- Ready?
- Oh, everyone's ready.
- Action.
- Kids, kids!
Now, the saltshaker is off-limits...
...but the salt...
I wish I had thought this through.
- I'll do that again.
- Okay. How?
I don't know.
We know about your party, Joey.
- What party?
- The game's over. Take off your robe.
Okay. I mean...
- No!
- No, close it up!