Friends With Benefits (2011) Movie Script

Okay. Let's see where we are.
We could move this, get
rid of that, kill that.
That kind of freaks me out. Don't need her.
We can get rid of that.
That's done.
Okay, we could start with this.
I know it's a hard-hitting piece,
but come on, you guys, it's the Internet.
We need traffic, traffic, traffic.
What do you got?
- How about this?
- It's perfect.
Now, doesn't she look smart and
knowledgeable about immigration reform?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. She does, right?
I'm fucking with you people.
This isn't a porn site.
What are we, nerds trying
to look at boobies?
Come on, Keep looking.
Shit! Hello?
Hey! Baby, where are you?
Are you still at work?
No! Not even close.
Just so you know,
the movie starts in 10 minutes.
- I know! Give me your pants.
- What?
- I'll buy you lunch tomorrow. Come on.
- No.
I'm your boss. Give me your pants.
Please try not to be late.
I really hate missing the beginning.
I know. I know.
Give me your pants. I'm coming, baby.
I'm almost there!
- How far away?
- I think I see you!
- Where are you? I'm here.
- So am I.
So many people. What are you wearing?
I'm wearing the only clothes
outside the theater,
because I'm the only person
outside the theater!
I love that outfit.
You look so sexy in that.
You know that I love this movie.
If a prostitute and a ruthless businessman
can fall in love,
then anyone can.
I know this means a lot to you,
which means it means a lot to me.
Well, apparently it doesn't.
I'm looking at you right now.
I can see you!
- Hey.
- You made it.
- Yeah. Hey.
- Hi.
- Sorry I'm late.
- It's okay. I got us sandwiches.
I got you turkey, no cheese,
gluten-free bread.
You sure this was prepared
in a nut-free facility?
Yes, I'm full aware of our allergies.
Hey, I'm here! I'm here. I'm really sorry.
We missed Your Body Is a Wonderland.
Okay. Only one song.
That's not so bad, right?
It was fucking Your Body ls a Wonderland!
Well, the good news is,
he has so many good ones.
Here's an idea: next time, instead
of being late, just shit on my face.
'Cause that's kind of the same thing
as missing Your Body ls a Wonderland.
Okay, come on. We really gotta go in.
Julia Roberts is about to put on
her really tall boots.
We need to talk.
I think we should take a break.
I just feel like
we should chill for a while, you know?
- You're doing this?
- You're breaking up with me?
You said I was your soul mate.
I did? When?
When we were at that bed and breakfast
having sex.
- But, you know, that doesn't...
- That doesn't what?
- Count.
- I was tied up at work. I'm sorry.
Maybe you should care
a little bit less about work
and a little more
about the girl that you're dating.
'Cause last time I checked,
work doesn't reassure you
that liking a finger up your ass
doesn't make you gay.
I never said "go up." Okay?
I just said lightly around...
It's like a little button.
You know what? Not your issue any more.
Is this why you were late?
You were worried
about how to break up with me?
Oh, no, no.
I was trying to decide what to wear.
- So, you went with sneakers and a hoodie.
- Yeah.
What, are you gonna
take the SATs after this?
Don't lash out, okay?
- You're better than that.
- I'm really not.
I just think
we're heading in different directions.
Yeah, you to the John Mayer concert
and me not.
Thank you for doing this
before the concert, by the way.
Best breakup ever.
He is the Sheryl Crow of our generation!
Let me just ask you a quick question.
And just know that I am not at all
crushed by this breakup.
So, be honest. Why?
- Wait, is this a trick?
- No.
Just pure anthropological research.
Okay. You want someone
to sweep you off your feet,
but you're more interested
in getting swept off your feet
than the someone who's doing the sweeping.
You seem like you've got
it totally together,
but you're actually
really emotionally damaged.
Also, you have, like, really big eyes,
and that freaks me out sometimes...
Thank you. That's enough.
It is not you at all.
Of course it's me! You can't say that.
You're breaking up with me!
It's not. It's me.
I don't like you any more.
This is my fault.
You deserve better than me.
You're a great guy.
A little too emotionally unavailable,
if you ask me.
I didn't.
I really want to stay friends.
- Let's stay friends.
- Sure.
John Mayer.
John fucking Mayer!
Come here, you.
You're gonna get through this.
Why do relationships always start off so
fun and then turn into suck-a-bag-o-dicks?
I really have to stop buying into this
bullshit Hollywood clich of true love.
Shut up, Katherine Heigl! You stupid liar!
I'm just gonna work and fuck.
Like George Clooney.
I'm just gonna
shut myself down emotionally.
Like George Clooney.
Seat up, please, sir.
Is that the Hudson River?
No. It's the East River.
So we won't be landing on it, then,
like that flight,
you know, with that captain
they keep giving medals to?
That pilot was a hero.
Plane actually did a lot of the work.
I think I found the perfect guy
to fill that job at GQ.
No, he's landing early. I'm scrambling.
No, he's not sold on the job yet,
but I'll get him there. I always do.
I'm even picking him up in a hybrid.
He's from LA.
I figured he's into all that bullshit.
Hey, sir, what's that
tall building over there?
Empire State Building.
No, no, no, no. No. The other one.
The really, really tall one
with the antenna on top of it, the windows.
That is Empire State Building.
Oh, yeah. You're right. King Kong.
Oh, hey! Are you done with this?
All met up?
Great. Welcome to New York,
Ms. Penderghast.
Oh, no. Excuse me. Sorry.
- Can you hand me my bag?
- Sure. Which one?
- The one with the straps.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Welcome to New York, sir.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
That's me.
Which one, the blue or the yellow?
No. The makeshift sign made
out of lipstick, that's me.
- You're Dylan Harper.
- I am.
I'm Jamie Rellis.
- You're picking me up from the airport.
- Hi. Yes, I am.
You always pick people up like this?
Yeah, you know,
I like to keep things interesting.
- Welcome to New York.
- Thank you.
You're not exactly what comes to mind
when you think headhunter.
Yeah, I prefer "executive recruiter."
Headhunter sounds a little creepy.
You did stalk me for six months.
Kind of creepy.
Here, here, here, I'll take it.
You're really gonna carry my bag?
You're that girl?
No. I'm gonna change your life.
I'm that girl.
My life is already pretty great.
Oh, really? 'Cause you wouldn't be here
if your life were already pretty great.
A free trip to New York.
I'd be an idiot to turn that down.
Well, then I guess you must have been
an idiot for the past six months.
Yeah, a lot of people
would say longer than that.
It's a huge opportunity Dylan.
Art director of GQ magazine.
This is the big leagues.
I mean, no offense to your little blog
on the Internet.
Which got six million hits last month.
I could put up a video of me mixing
cake batter with my boobs
and it will get eight million hits.
It's been done.
Well, look, there's no question that
you are talented at what you do,
but this is GQ.
New York's so crowded.
Look around. I'm from LA, okay?
- I like my open spaces.
- What are you, a gazelle?
Come on,
what's really worrying you about this?
I don't know. I don't want to be the guy
who took something legendary
and shit the bed with it.
Excuse the expression.
Well, then don't be the guy who shit the bed.
Excuse the expression.
Be the guy
who made the bed legendary again.
Listen, we'll get some coffee in you
before the interview. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry, not coffee.
Some green tea, soy, organic hemp bullshit.
Really hot in New York.
Doesn't it get hot in LA?
Yeah, it gets hot in LA,
but it's the humidity.
In LA, if it's 90 degrees,
it feels like 90 degrees. But...
- Right.
- If it's hot in New York,
it's 90 degrees, it's like 100,000 degrees.
This conversation about weather
is really fascinating,
but lucky for me, we are here.
So, good luck.
Whatever happens, happens.
I told you, I don't really want it.
Just do me a favor?
Act like you do so that I look good.
- I can do that.
- Okay. Go get 'em.
This is great, by the way.
Watch it!
- Hey!
- You're still here?
Yeah. Well, it's my job.
So, tell me, how'd it go?
They bought it.
You're safe for a little while longer.
Well, thank you. I owe you one.
This is from you.
It's your offer.
- Wait, I got it?
- They called about five minutes ago.
Congratulations. Offer expires at midnight.
Why didn't you just tell me
instead of texting me?
'Cause it's more dramatic.
Dylan, you are not gonna shit the bed.
I've seen your work. It's amazing.
It's a huge move.
Would you uproot your entire
life for a job? Be honest.
Well, no. For a job, probably not.
But for New York? Yeah, I would.
Which is why I'm not gonna
try to sell you on the job,
I'm gonna sell you on New York.
It's New York!
I've seen Seinfeld.
Not the bullshit tourist version.
Puppy dog eyes. Nice touch.
Yes! Come on.
Let me buy you a drink.
What's wrong?
What are you waiting for?
The light to change.
You LA folk are so cute.
Come on.
Come on, it's fine.
- See?
- Yep.
I'm gonna die.
Here we have Brooklyn Bridge,
downtown Manhattan,
and right in front of us, an outdoor bar.
Alcohol. Now we're talking.
You know, I like you.
I'll give you your choice of closes.
- What?
- How I close you on this job.
- Okay.
- So we got the flattery close.
Dylan, you are so good at what you do.
The take-it-or-leave-it close.
Man, I don't care if you take it.
I get paid regardless.
The sympathy close.
You see, my kidneys are failing...
Why do women think the only way
to get a man to do what they want
is to manipulate him?
History. Personal experience.
Romantic comedies.
Come on, you're here for a reason,
whether you want to admit it or not.
Yeah, to explore an option.
Who wouldn't want to know their options?
Someone who's in the perfect situation.
Are you in the perfect situation?
Job? Absolutely.
Everything else? None of your business.
- Jamie!
- Hey!
- Hey, what's up, baby?
- What are you doing here?
- Shaun White?
- You look great.
- You been working out?
- Nope. Just been eating a lot.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- You want a drink?
- Yeah!
- Let me get you a drink. Yeah?
- Okay.
- Careful! Careful.
- Sorry.
Hey, bro, that was like
a double McTwist 1260.
- Yeah, like the trick.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dylan.
Jamie, you want to get this guy
out of my face
before I break his fucking skull?
Sorry, bro. No disrespect. I'm a huge fan.
You don't fucking know me, man!
Don't talk to me like you know me!
What, you think I'm all chill
'cause I snowboard and shit?
One more word,
I'll fuck you up like dynamite!
I'm just playing, bro.
Any friend of Jamie's is cool with me.
- It's all good, man.
- All good.
I'm whispering in the ear of a dead man.
I'll see you later.
- Good to see you.
- Bye, honey.
Shaun White seems really great. Nice dude.
- How do you know him again?
- I took his virginity.
So you guys have known
each other for a while?
No, it was like eight months ago.
So does the carpet match the drapes?
It's hardwood floors,
if you know what I mean.
My God! Terrible visual.
Totally kidding, by the way.
Just an old friend of mine.
You guys use the same leave-in conditioner.
His hair had nice body.
Can I get two gyro number sixes,
extra sauce?
- What are you looking for?
- The cops.
- Come on.
- The cops?
Come on!
- Where are you taking me?
- You'll see.
Well, here's your open space.
Run, gazelle. Run!
- Wow. This is unbelievable.
- I know.
Okay, this was not on Seinfeld.
Come on,
what's your dad think about all this?
About what?
Well, he must have an opinion.
He used to write for the LA Times
for 23 years.
Somebody did their homework.
I have this thing at work.
It's called Google.
Come on, what's he think about the job?
Actually, I didn't ask him.
Well, then you must know what he'd say.
He'd tell me to go with my gut and that
he'd be proud of me no matter what I did.
Sounds like a really great man.
Yeah, he is.
Hey, do you want to
see something really cool?
I always want to see something really cool.
Come on.
Only place in the city
you can actually see the stars.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- It's pretty awesome.
- I know.
I like to come up here to think.
Just when it gets a little too much
for me down there, it's like...
It's like my New York version
of a mountaintop.
Best part, no cell reception.
You take all your recruits up here?
Actually, never really
taken anyone up here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
If you tell anyone about this,
I will rip your ears off
and staple them to your neck.
Everyone in this city seems really violent.
Come on, let's go. One last stop.
- We're just getting comfortable.
- I know you are. Come on, buddy.
It's New York. Now hustle. Come on.
- Come on, come on.
- You're showing me Times Square.
- This is not touristy at all!
- Would you shush? Come on.
Do we have to power-walk
everywhere we go?
So everybody just kind of walks
wherever they want, then.
How 'bout right here?
- What do you mean?
- We're here.
Oh, my God, it's 1988.
All right, smartass, give it five seconds.
- What is this?
- It's a flash mob.
- Like on Oprah!
- Exactly.
Should we get out of the way?
No, no. Enjoy it. Take it all in.
- It's pretty damn cool.
- Right?
It's kind of rad.
Do these people get paid for this?
No. No. They kind of just do it for fun.
It's nice to feel
like you're a part of something.
New York can be a little
bit lonely at times.
And you're trying to sell me on it.
Every place can be a bit lonely sometimes.
- Be careful!
- Oh, my God.
- Come down.
- Okay.
- Shit. Get back down.
- Okay.
- I'm in.
- What?
- You sold me.
- Really?
- I'll take the job.
- Oh, my God!
- What, are you surprised?
- No! No. Oh, you are gonna crush it!
- You can all go home now! Thank you!
- Very funny.
Come on.
Congratulations, sell-out!
Thank you, thank you.
All I'm saying is,
it wasn't so much the pilot's skill
that landed that plane on the river
as much as the mechanics of the aircraft.
Are you saying
that Captain Sully wasn't a hero?
No, no.
There were just other factors.
Are you not an American?
Hey, fuckface, you want to get your shit
out of my car or what?
I... Yeah.
Welcome to New York. Go and fuck a dick.
So, all I ask is that you give me
a little bit of time to gain your trust.
I know that I'm new at this, but what I lack
in experience I make up for in cliches.
So, my door is always open.
But seriously, my door is always open.
My first order of business, lighter doors.
- Okay. Thanks, guys.
- Welcome, Dylan.
Hey, man. Tommy Bollinger, sports editor.
Tommy, I've read your articles.
Love your writing.
Just trying to keep it realsies.
Listen, I'd love to take you out one night
and troll for cock.
- What?
- You got some pretty boys out there in LA,
but the quality in this town is ridiculous.
We can tear this shit up.
I'm not gay, Tommy.
Really? I just assumed,
art director and, you know...
Hey. No skin, more pipe for me.
By the way,
doing a piece on racism in hockey.
I'm thinking Helvetica
but I could be persuaded to Courier New.
But what the fuck do I know?
I'm just the sports editor.
- You sure you're not gay?
- Yep.
- I'm sure.
- Okay.
All right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'd knock, but you don't have a door.
- I don't.
- No.
Hey, check this out.
Dunkin-My- Tits-Hynes. Com.
- Yeah, it really does exist.
- I told you, but not that. This.
But it'd be even more awesome
if this happened.
Wait for it.
I got in touch with a guy
who puts flash mobs together.
We're thinking about using them
for guerrilla advertising.
Taking something so pure
and commercializing it?
Knew I found the right guy.
- Here I am.
- Okay. Here's your contract.
Sign it and I will be out of here.
A whole year?
Why do I get the feeling this is the first
real commitment you've ever made?
It's not. T-Mobile, two years.
And, fuck, do I regret that one.
Do me a favor. Don't quit or get
fired before the year's up,
because otherwise I don't get my bonus.
Wait, I can leave whenever I want?
- What's the point of this contract?
- Just sign the damn thing.
Nice doing business with you, Dylan Harper.
Hey, I was thinking of getting some lunch.
Do you know a place?
Are you asking me out?
Whoa, I'm not asking you out.
I'm asking you to show me a restaurant.
I mean, I'm the only friend you have
in New York.
- You don't wanna complicate that.
- I know. I'm not asking you out.
I mean, sure, we'd have fun, roll around,
- get into some erotic humiliation fantasy.
- Erotic?
But it'd all blow up in our faces, end badly,
and we'd never speak to each other again.
I'm not fucking asking you out!
I swear to God!
Okay. You don't like me like that.
You don't have to be so mean about it.
I'm sorry. I didn't...
God, you're such a girl.
Come on, it's my treat.
So was it an easy move?
- It was tough leaving my dad.
- Yeah.
My sister gave me some shit.
But timing was right.
Timing was really right.
- Is that your sister?
- No. My ex.
She's great. Loves John Mayer.
Wants us to stay friends.
She's also convinced she can cure me
of my emotional unavailability.
- You're emotionally unavailable?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God. I'm emotionally damaged.
I haven't seen you at the meetings.
I'm done with the relationship thing.
Girl, you are preaching
to the congregation.
- Choir.
- What?
"Preaching to the choir." You're supposed
to preach to the congregation.
- That's the expression.
- Did you understand what I was saying?
Then don't be a dick about it.
Oh, my God. Do you mind?
- Please.
- Great.
Hello. You've reached
Dylan Harper's cell phone.
He's emotionally unavailable,
but if you'd like...
- John fucking Mayer!
- Hello?
Wow. Hello?
You really do have shitty cell service.
- Right?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna have some friends over tomorrow.
Why don't you come,
and you can meet some new people?
I'm gonna have to check my schedule.
I'm really busy.
I work at GQ now.
It's not some little blog on the Internet.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You made it.
- Sorry I'm late.
No, no. Please, come in, come in.
Thank you.
Hey, everybody! Hey!
This here is Dylan. He's from LA.
He's the reason I can afford all this beer.
Okay, all right.
Am I an animal?
Fuck, I'm pretty good at this.
Lieutenant Kali's a West Coast street
artist I got into about five years ago.
- His postmodern interpretation...
- This shit is amazing.
I know, right?
You will be able to find the perfect candidate
to fill the position at your company.
Okay, here we go.
First up is Joey Morena,
who's fluent in Vietnamese
and has had 10 years of experience
in the culinary field.
I can't do this any more.
No, I think we both need to go get happy.
It's not adding up to a hundred any more.
Looks like New York's
all out of blueberries.
Goodbye, Flapjack.
Taxi! Taxicab!
Why do all these movies
have such bad music?
It's so that you know how to feel
every single second.
"I'm heartbroken."
"I'm getting married
to the man of my dreams."
"I'm sneaking through an office."
Madison, wait!
Madison, wait!
How did you know
I was at Grand Central Station?
You're not. You're in Los Angeles,
where this movie was shot.
I know you better than you know yourself.
And your crazy friend Susie
across the hall told me.
Why are you here?
To tel/ you that
I love that sunsets make you cry
and I don't care that you failed
your real estate exam,
and I'm glad that you
have a five-date rule.
And that I love you.
Not as much as I love you.
Now boarding, track 5, love.
God, I wish my life was a movie sometimes.
You know, I'd never have to worry
about my hair,
or having to go to the bathroom.
And then, when I'm at my lowest point,
some guy would chase me down the street,
pour his heart out,
and we'd kiss.
Happily ever after.
I mean, a horse and carriage?
Come on, that is awesome.
Not as awesome as this
ambiguously upbeat pop song
that has nothing to do with the plot
they put in at the end to try to convince you
that you had a great time at this shitty movie.
You know, why don't they ever make a movie
about what happens after the big kiss?
They do. It's called porn.
God, I miss sex.
Right? I mean, sometimes you just need it.
It's like...
I don't know, it's like cracking your neck.
Why does it always gotta
come with complications?
- And emotions.
- And guilt.
- It's women's fault.
- What?
You heard me. "Hold me.
Let's spend the rest of our lives together."
Oh, please, you are no better.
"Oh, yeah, baby, come on, now.
Say my name. Yeah..."
"I'm done. How was I?"
Who have you been with?
Why can't it not be like that?
It's a physical act. Like playing tennis.
Two people should be able to have sex
like they're playing tennis.
Yeah, I mean, no one wants to
go away for the weekend
after they play tennis.
It's just a game.
You shake hands, get on with your shit.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Do you want more beer?
- Jamie!
- Yeah?
- Let's play tennis.
- What?
Let's have sex like we're playing tennis.
Get the hell out of here.
Don't laugh. This could be great.
This could take all the
weirdness out of it.
Well, we talked about this.
I don't like you like that.
I don't like you like that either.
That's why it's perfect.
I don't even know if I find you attractive.
That's cute.
Well, I do have a thing for jerks.
Okay, well, do you even find me attractive?
- That's cute.
- No, no, no.
Before you got to know
my awesome personality.
Strictly physical.
First time you saw me.
- This is just two people talking?
- Yeah.
Two girls over drinks at Bennigan's. Go.
I liked your eyes. I didn't think
I'd ever seen such big, beautiful eyes.
Your lips. Yeah.
I thought you might be a good kisser.
I am.
- Your breasts.
- What about them?
- They intrigued me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I think they're so tiny.
- They're still breasts.
- Thanks.
- I liked your hands.
- Mouth.
- Butt.
- Voice.
- Chest.
- Eyes.
- You said that.
- I meant it.
You swear you don't want anything more
from me other than sex?
You swear you don't want anything
more from me?
I know how you girls get.
Tick-took, tick-took.
Stop it.
- What are you doing?
- I'm pulling up my Bible app.
- You have a Bible app?
- Yes. I am a good girl.
- Hand on the iPad.
- Okay.
Wait, no.
Why can't they figure this out?
No... This thing thinks
I'm you and you're me.
Keep your hand still. I'll move the iPad.
- It's actually making me dizzy.
- Hold on.
There we go.
No relationship.
No emotions.
Just sex.
Whatever happens, we stay friends.
- Swear.
- Swear.
So I guess we should just start.
I'll serve.
That's really...
That's enough of the tennis.
Let's go to the bedroom.
What's wrong with the couch?
It's less emotional.
The bedroom has better light.
And since we're just friends,
I don't have to be insecure about my body.
Come on, okay? You're beautiful.
You have nothing to be insecure about.
No, you see,
that is way too emotionally supportive
and you need to just lock that down.
- Your ass is a little bony.
- Much better.
My nipples are sensitive,
I don't like dirty talk,
and had I known this was gonna happen,
I would have shaved my legs this morning.
My chin is ticklish,
I sneeze sometimes after I come,
and if I'd have known
this was gonna happen,
I wouldn't have shaved
my legs this morning.
I keep my socks on. Intimacy issues.
Great, 'cause feet gross me out.
Daddy issues.
I can work with that.
Should be fine.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Should we stop? We could just go for a run.
I don't know, are we
getting too old for this?
- Sex?
- No, casual sex.
It just, I don't know,
feels a little collegey.
- I could sing some Third Eye Blind.
- Okay.
- That's not Third Eye Blind.
- I'm pretty sure that's Third Eye Blind.
- What's wrong?
- We're just doing this once.
- I totally agree.
- Okay.
- Great.
- Great.
Little faster.
- More circular.
- Watch my chin.
- Touch my ears.
- Okay.
Kiss my neck.
- Say my name.
- Dylan Francis Harper Jr.
Not my full name.
Sorry, I had to fill out
a lot of your paperwork.
- Stop talking.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, you're really...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I,
J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
- Dylan, I...
- Relax.
Just a friend going down on another friend.
Oh, yeah, baby. Tornado.
What, what?
What are you trying to do?
Dig your way to China?
- I'm good at this.
- Says who?
Every girl I've been with.
Well, they're either lying
or their vaginas are made out of burlap.
So, relax. You're not a lizard.
- Okay, fine.
- Okay, fine.
- A little to the right.
- Okay.
- A little bit more to the left.
- Roger that.
- Now go down.
- Here we go.
- A little more... Whoa, too far!
- Sorry.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing!
When women start to scream,
it could be misconstrued.
Just keep going!
Yeah, you know it.
Well, let me tell you how I like it.
See, most girls think
you should start off soft,
but if you just get in,
really go for it, ..
Yeah, you know it.
- Let's go with Obama.
- No, no, no, no!
It's too easy, too predictable.
Go with Shaun.
He's stylish, transcendent of sport,
has an ass like a kumquat.
- I hear he's kind of a jerk.
- No, he's not.
You're just threatened by him
because he's the greatest snow
sport athlete in the universe
and he gets more squirrel than an oak tree.
Hey, Dylan?
Jamie Rellis is in the lobby for you.
Okay, thanks.
Let's hit this after lunch. Okay, guys?
Nobody wants to fuck Obama, brah.
He's got ears like an elephant.
That's not the part of
an elephant you want.
- Hi!
- Hi.
Sorry to just show up like this.
No, no, no, it's fine.
- Wanna take a walk?
- Love to.
Great. Okay.
Okay, so about what happened, I...
- It was crazy and we shouldn't have done it.
- Exactly. No, no, exactly.
I mean, it is so not me.
I totally agree. Let's forget it happened.
Great. I mean, look,
I've had one-night stands.
We both have had one-night stands,
none of which we're proud of, but...
Look, to think that you and I
could just have sex
and without it compromising anything
was just so...
- Misguided.
- Exactly.
I was gonna call you this morning.
But you didn't.
But I didn't.
And you see, it's already
coming between us and I really...
I just don't want it to.
It's not going to.
Look, I know that I act all tough
and I talk all tough, but really...
It's just a front to protect yourself
from your own vulnerability.
What are you, my fucking therapist now?
No, I'm a friend. Who knows that
every time you curse, you blink.
- Like your body's rejecting the word.
- It does not.
- Fuck you.
- Blinked.
- No, I didn't fucking blink.
- Blinked again.
- Shit.
- Ah, didn't blink.
"Shit" you're okay with.
- It was stupid.
- Yes.
- We're friends, let's stay friends.
- Yes. Yes, this, I don't wanna lose this.
Me neither.
- Great.
- Fantastic.
Portrait for the lovely couple?
- What the hell are we doing?
- I don't know.
- Rub my hair.
- Kiss my neck.
- Watch my nipple.
- All right, all right.
- I didn't know you had a tattoo.
- Yeah.
Why didn't I notice that before?
Because we were drunk.
- Was it your dog?
- No. Never had one.
But everyone else did.
And I thought having a dog
meant you had a normal family,
which at 17 I desperately wanted.
So as a sign of rebellion you got a tattoo
of the most conventional thing
you could think of.
It was super awesome back then.
- Check it.
- Okay.
- A lightning bolt?
- Eighteen.
- Wanted superpowers.
- Yeah.
I was a little into Harry Potter back then.
- Were you also gay back then?
- Harry Potter doesn't make you gay!
- Okay.
- Are you sure about this?
- Are you?
- No.
Me neither.
- How was your day?
- It was okay.
- I had a turkey sandwich for lunch.
- How was that?
It wasn't that good. How was your day?
Still trying to figure out that
subway system. It is tricky.
And it's out of here!
- My butt.
- What?
- Oh, my butt.
- Really?
No, I mean my butt, it's cramping.
Can you grab a pillow?
Okay, yeah, yeah.
- So, no butt?
- No.
- Really? Already?
- Just kidding.
- Do you like this position?
- Yeah, it's all right.
I gotta be honest, I feel
a little emasculated.
A naked girl is lying on top of you
and you feel emasculated?
- Little bit.
- You do know what that word means, right?
Yes, I know what it means, and I feel it.
Okay, all right, you big baby.
- Chinese fire drill.
- Okay. Go!
- Do you feel manly now?
- I do.
Okay. Put it in.
That's not funny.
- It's kind of funny.
- It's kind of funny.
- Hold on.
- What's wrong?
I have to go to the bathroom.
- What? Now?
- Yes, now. I had a lot of watermelon.
What's going on in there?
Do you know how hard it is
to pee with a hard-on?
No, actually.
It's like two lanes of traffic
merging into one. It takes time.
- Are you pooping?
- No.
- Why are you sitting down?
- It's easier to control.
- You want a mess in here?
- No. No, no. Sorry.
What? Did I leak?
Did you wash your hands?
Oh, come on, dude.
I know we're just friends,
but I'm still a lady.
Now get back in there, wash your hands
and then bring that fine ass back here.
If you keep talking to me like that,
I'm not gonna come back.
- My hammies are killing me.
- Have a banana, they're in the fridge.
Why would you keep bananas in the fridge?
- It dries them out.
- It doesn't. They have a peel.
It's not armor. Air still gets in.
Do you want a banana or not?
Not if they're dry. I'm not an animal.
At least I have food in the house.
All you have at home is drinkable yogurt.
I like to drink my yogurt.
It's a timesaver.
Well, then you think you could use
that time to shave your stubble.
Your whiskers are like knives.
Now, see, if you were my girlfriend,
I couldn't tell you to shut up right now.
And because you're just my buddy,
I can tell you
that if you don't start shaving up here,
I'm gonna stop shaving down there.
Hey, hey. Hey...
- Mom!
- "Mom"?
My eyes are covered.
I don't know what you're doing.
I can't see you putting on
your black underpants.
Jamie, baby, I missed you.
On, baby.
Did your boobs get bigger?
Mom, I'm over here.
Hey, baby. Oh, no, they didn't.
- What are you doing here?
- Victor turned out to be a total Lombard.
"Lots Of Money But A Real Dullard."
Victor, her fianc.
- What happened?
- Nothing. He was just blah.
I mean, nice, but it was
like talking to dirt.
I woke up one day and I said, "Lorna..."
I'm Lorna.
- Dylan.
- I said, "Lorna, this is not your bliss."
- "Just because you're 39..."
- Forty-eight.
"...It doesn't mean you have to settle.
He's not an insurance claim."
So I caught the first plane off the island.
- Cleveland's not an island.
- Oh, baby, it is.
Anyway, here I am. It's so good to see you.
You never told me you had a hot boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend, Mom.
- That's right, we're just friends.
- I love it.
It's like the '70s in here.
That was a better time. Just sex.
A little grass, a little glue...
Not during pregnancy.
Well, not during the final trimester.
But no complications. It's great!
Okay, well, that's technically, I guess,
what this is.
That's exactly what this is.
So my daughter is just your slampiece?
No, no. "Slampiece"?
I'm just kidding. Slam away.
Have fun. I think this is great.
The only thing is, it
takes you off the market.
But what the hell.
The whole reason you go to the market
is to buy the produce,
which you already got.
It's so good to see you, baby.
I'm only gonna be here a few weeks.
I'm starving. You got any gin?
It's in the kitchen.
You gotta go.
- Is she wearing Axe body spray?
- I don't know. Come on.
Bananas in the refrigerator?
What are you, Puerto Rican?
- That is terrible, Mother.
- Just joking. Your dad was Puerto Rican.
What? You said that he was Greek.
- Potato, potato...
- Get your shoes.
- Okay. All right.
- Well, not... Just go, just go.
I'll just put these on on the bike?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
It was nice to have met you...
- Hey.
- And your pants are coming off.
Oh, my... Mom! Mom, please!
Back, back!
That's what I'm talking about!
We're kicking every gay ass out here!
I don't say that pejoratively,
I say it hopefully.
Hold it. Any of you gay?
- Not even you?
- Come on, man.
Come talk to me after.
Give me five minutes of your time.
I might be able to let you see some reason.
Look at you in the house!
Come on, baby!
I'm supposed to meet up with Jamie.
Who's that, that headhunter?
What, you guys going out now?
No, no, no, we're just friends.
We're messing around a little bit.
- What do you mean?
- Sleeping together.
But it's just sex.
That never works, bro.
She's a girl. Sex always means more
to them even if they don't admit it.
Jamie's different.
Does she have a penis
where most girls have a vagina?
- No penis.
- Then she's no different.
What do you know about women, anyway?
Dude, I've turned down more tail
than you'll ever have.
Yeah, bro. You're gay.
But the offers still keep rolling
in, naturally. Look at me.
And, hey, I love women. They're beautiful,
majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures.
Smart, empathetic.
Far superior to men in every way.
And if I had a choice,
I would be with women to my dying day.
But me likes cock so I'm
strict-aly dick-aly.
So it's always just about sex, then?
No. I've been in love.
I went down that rabbit hole.
You know what I discovered?
It's not who you want to spend
Friday night with,
it's who you want to spend
all day Saturday with.
Feel me, Felix?
Yeah, but then it's every Saturday
for the rest of your life.
It's okay, you don't get it.
It's no big deal. But you will.
One day, you'll meet someone
and it'll literally take your breath away.
Like you can't breathe.
Like no oxygen to the lungs.
- Like a fish...
- Yeah, I get it, Tommy.
Yeah, you don't.
Nice work on that new online site,
by the way.
It was Times Roman.
Times Roman. Inspired. I'm out.
You have a boat?
I live in Jersey.
And I ain't taking no ferry.
Unless it's out to dinner and a show.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
You and that Dylan? Way to go.
I mean the whole friendship-sex thing.
Kudos, baby, kudos.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's just surprising. I always thought
you were a true-love kind of girl.
Whatever, Mom. It's not like
it's stopping me from anything.
That's what I thought back in '78.
And every year since.
I'm just... I'm flattered, actually.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
It's just surprising.
- There, done. It's... There we go.
- Okay.
You look great! You look great.
You look like a princess.
- Yeah!
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, my friend gave me his house
in Montauk for July 4th.
Let's you and me go away together.
No men, no bullshit.
Just mother-daughter.
Like a Nora Ephron movie.
When was the last time
we spent a full weekend together?
When I was eight, that time in Vermont.
We got snowed in with the ski instructor.
- Demitri.
- Bill.
He reminded me a lot of your father.
Dark curls, olive skin, Cold War accent.
- My father was Russian?
- I don't remember.
But what I do remember is we drank
a lot of vodka and shot a lot of guns.
Mom, this "who's your daddy" game
is getting really old.
I know I haven't been
the best mother in the world...
I'm sorry,
were you waiting for me to jump in?
Come on! Go away with me. Come on!
Come on. Come on.
Okay, we'll do it. It'll be fun, yeah?
- Mom...
- I was trying to bond!
It was either this or sniff glue.
- Sorry about my mom.
- I thought she was funny.
Yeah, she's really funny
when she's asking for money,
and she's hilarious
when she needs a place to stay.
Dylan, I think I wanna start dating again.
Listen, I think we should stop this.
I kind of think you're right.
Every new beginning
comes from some other beginning's end.
That actually makes sense right here.
Who would've thought Third Eye Blind
could be so prophetic?
Not Third Eye Blind.
I'm pretty sure that's Third Eye Blind.
Do you wanna go grab some lunch?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- You're buying.
- What?
- Pants.
- Shirt.
So this is the end of this?
- I guess so. But it's good.
- Yeah.
- And we did it.
- With no bullshit.
- Shirt.
- Sweater.
We managed to actually stay friends.
- Yup.
- Yeah.
Okay. So, what is your type, anyway?
No, I don't have a type.
- It's more about what's inside.
- Oh, please!
Okay, what about her?
Yeah. I could get to know her inside.
And she's reading a book.
It's probably Nicholas Sparks.
- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- What?
What do you mean, "What?"
We said we wanted to date again.
- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- Now?
Here, in front of all of these people?
I didn't say I was gonna rape her.
I said I was gonna go talk to her.
Excuse me. I'm Dylan. Nice to meet you.
The Notebook.
Nice meeting you.
- Well?
- We talked. We laughed.
- She's Belgian.
- Explains the reading.
I showed her where the balcony was,
because that's where
she is meeting up with her husband.
Anniversary trip to New York.
Three kids. Christof, Karlina and Pepijn.
Shut up.
Why are you still laughing?
At least I gave it a shot.
Fine. I'll go next.
- See if I still have game.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yes.
- Right here. Eleven o'clock.
- Iced coffee.
- Handsome, but doesn't know it.
Staring at a tree, which means
he's actually in the park for nature
and not to watch women sunbathe.
- Or he's retarded.
- Don't care.
I'm going in.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
- Hi.
- Hello.
I'm Jamie.
Yeah. Yeah, that works.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, my God!
Okay. His name is Parker.
He's a children's oncologist.
And I have a date this Saturday.
- Nice.
- Thank you.
Why'd you wave to me?
I told him you were my gay best friend,
so he wants to set you up with his brother.
College, med school,
and I haven't slept since.
I can't believe you actually cure cancer.
Well, me and God.
- What?
- I'm kidding.
Can you imagine
someone who would actually say that?
Yeah, I could.
I've been out with a lot of them.
- Cancer doctors?
- No, assholes.
Well, hopefully you're all done with that.
Although, I gotta warn you,
lot of cancer doctors, big assholes.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And brain surgeons, huge perverts.
While they're doing this,
a little bit of that.
Thank you.
When can I see you again?
Right now.
- I'm just kidding.
- Okay.
Can you imagine
someone who would actually say that?
I played the tuba in high school.
World's stupidest instrument.
Especially when you move eight times.
- Why'd you move?
- My mom really likes to break up with guys,
and she was really good at it.
- Was your dad one of them?
- No, no, he was long before that.
I actually never knew my dad.
I'm sorry. That sucks.
All right, look, I think I should
probably tell you something.
Please don't tell me you're a dude.
Because that'll be like the third time
since I moved here,
and I don't think I can handle that.
I have a five-date rule.
- You know, like, five dates before we...
- Yeah.
I saw it in a movie.
I thought I'd give it a try.
You're worth waiting for.
I'm sure that was the line
in the movie you saw.
That's awesome.
This four-year-old that I've been
working on for the last couple months,
he's gonna be fine.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
How is a guy like you single?
I've just been waiting for someone
to come up to me in the park
and compliment me for looking at the trees
and not the sunbathers.
I meant it. It was impressive.
Actually, if I'm gonna be
completely honest with you,
I was sleeping standing up.
I worked 36 hours straight.
I don't even know how I got to the park.
How is a girl like you single?
I have issues.
One might even call me damaged.
Actually, one did call me damaged.
Get out of here. Damaged how?
I kind of believe in true love.
That there might be
a Prince Charming out there for me.
Listen, I know this is probably a no
because all you do is work like a dull boy,
but would you like to come get a beer?
I'm good.
No, it's not a gay bar.
And there'll be just as many hot girls
as hot guys.
You know what? I will come out.
All right. Let's find you a lady.
You're still not gay, right?
- Nope.
- Okay.
- What?
- Do you know what today is?
- Date number five.
- I wasn't even counting.
- Wanna go in the bedroom?
- No. Here's fine.
I am so glad I met you tonight.
Me, too.
What are you thinking?
Just how great you are.
Annie, hey.
Who the fuck is Annie?
My sister.
Better be. I'll cut her.
Of course I'm coming.
Yeah, I'm taking the 4th off,
so I'll be there for three days.
Yeah. How's Dad?
Any worse?
All right, tell him I said hi.
Bye, Banannie.
I want you to meet my parents.
No, you... Really?
Hey. Hold on, hold on.
No, just hold on. Just give me a second.
I gotta go find a place to talk. Okay.
Shit. Shit. Just hold Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hold on.
I was out pretty late last night.
When I got in, you and your girlfriend
were on the couch
so I just crashed in your bed.
- He's not a girl.
- He smells like a girl.
- You smelled him?
- I wanna buy marshmallows.
- What did you say?
- For Montauk this weekend.
I wanna do a campfire,
like when you were little.
- And then we're gonna look for sticks.
- I hear you. Sticks.
And then we're gonna sing. We're gonna...
Just hold on a second.
What's up?
Do you think guys care more
about global warming
or how to wear white pants to a cookout?
We/I, that depends.
Do you have a hot model in a bikini
standing on an icecap?
No. Ski slope.
I'd still go with pants to a cookout.
Yeah, me, too.
How's your boy Parker?
Still staring at trees?
Two coffees.
Yeah, he's still looking up at trees,
but this time it's
actually in my apartment.
- It's the fifth date already?
- Maybe. Thank you.
Did you guys "fifth-date""?
- How dare you! A lady never tells.
- I know. That's why I'm asking you.
Hey. I gotta go. You have a great
trip in LA and call me when you land.
I got us coffees.
Nonfat, one sugar, one Splenda.
- I gotta get going.
- What?
I thought you weren't on call today.
I'm not, but I got that thing...
I got stuff.
This... They just called me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The sneak-out.
How incredibly clich of you.
I just...
I don't think I can be
your Prince Charming.
God, you totally didn't get
anything that I was saying, did you?
- No, no, no. I think you're great.
- Yeah, you, too.
Hey, you know what?
You and I should stay friends.
- Really?
- No, go fuck yourself.
Who sleeps standing up?
You know, you'd be really proud of me.
I didn't even blink
when I told him to go fuck himself.
- You did just then, though.
- This does not count. I'm not in the moment.
I don't know, maybe I suck in bed.
Trust me, you don't suck in bed.
- Thank you.
- So needy.
Hey, maybe the guy's married or something.
No, did a background check at work.
Single, no criminal history,
credit report 720.
Background check. Did you do one on me?
How could you possibly
max out an Old Navy card?
After college I was
really into cargo pants.
Dylan, I gotta stop thinking it's not me.
- I mean, it's gotta be me.
- It's not you.
Nothing is wrong with you.
He's a guy.
You gave him a five-date challenge,
he got you and cutout. Forget the douche.
He's a dick. He's a dick-douche.
Go have fun with your mom.
- Okay.
- Almost forgot. I got you something.
It's Lieutenant Kali,
the street artist we talked about.
I got him to do something for you.
"F-tale." Fairytale.
- I know you're into that girly shit, so...
- This is so cool.
Dylan, that's actually really sweet.
- It's cool, right?
- Yeah. Thank you.
Hey, I'm gonna need to borrow cab fare.
I'm not taking that thing on the subway.
I don't wanna get rolled.
No problem.
As long as you get your feet off my bed.
They're disgusting.
What are you doing?
Why are you doing that?
Why are you doing that?
You're an animal. Stop doing that.
An animal. Stop.
Hey, Ma.
Ma. Come on, we gotta get on the road.
Come on.
Why did I think that
this time would be any different?
- Come with me to LA.
- What?
What else are you gonna do?
It's 4th of July, everybody's left the city.
You're very sweet for
asking, but it's fine.
You know what, I'll just stay here.
I'll be fine alone.
I know you'll be fine alone.
You're not a baby in a hot car.
I'm actually asking you to come
because it would help me.
You'd be a great distraction for my family.
They'd forget all about
drilling me for being single.
Won't they think that we're together?
- Not if I tell them we're not.
- And they'll believe you?
Yeah, we're one of these crazy families
that doesn't lie to each other.
PBS is doing a documentary on us.
Come on, they'll love you.
All fast-talking and brusque,
like I'm bringing home a carny.
You're really nice to ask,
but I'm just gonna stay here.
Go to the gym.
I just got you a ticket with my miles,
it's done. Meet me at JFK.
- But...
- No buts.
- Like you were gonna go to the gym.
- I wasn't.
LA's so nice.
And everyone's so genuine and level-headed.
Thanks for this. You're good peeps.
You're the good peeps, dude.
You haven't met my family.
You don't know what you're in for.
You know these planes
pretty much land themselves?
Nobody cares. You sound like an asshole.
She's from New York.
I'm sorry.
Wow. This looks normal.
It is.
Thank you.
Wow, you grew up here?
It was my grandfather's.
He bought it
when there was nothing else here.
My dad and my sister
and her son live here now.
Why would you move to New York?
I was conned by some headhunter.
- You're here.
- Sammy!
Hey, Uncle Dylan.
What's up, buddy?
How are you?
Jamie, this is my nephew,
Sam the Magnificent.
- Hello.
- May I offer you a light for your cigarette?
I'm sorry, I don't smoke.
Just pretend. He's a magician.
Of course I'll have a cigarette.
Smoking is great for you.
- Wow. Thank you, good sir.
- My pleasure, my lady.
Oh, my God. I got it, I got it.
Sammy. I got it, I got it.
Just stay still. I got it, I got it.
Sammy! Are you okay?
All part of the illusion.
- Jet Skis later?
- Definitely.
Still into magic, huh?
Yep. But I'll take that over him
sexting his friends any day.
- Dilbert!
- Banannie.
Jamie, this is my sister, Annie.
- Hi.
- Thank you for having me.
Oh, please.
It's nice to have Dylan bring a girl home.
- We're just friends.
- Oh, no, I know.
If you were his girlfriend,
he never would've brought you here.
- This one has intimacy issues.
- I know.
- Dylan.
- Dad.
- Dylan. Oh, man.
- Hey.
- How you doing, buddy?
- I'm good.
I miss you guys, but I'm good.
Dede Spencer?
Jamie. Dylan's friend.
- I'm sorry. I...
- That's okay.
No, for a minute you reminded me
of a girl I used to know.
- No, that's okay. It happens.
- Nice to meet you.
Pleasure meeting you.
You have a beautiful house.
Thank you.
Pool's a little cold,
but it's very expensive to heat, so...
I think I'm gonna goin
and check the tide tables
'cause I'm gonna take the boat out
early in the morning.
- You should come.
- I would love to.
We sold the boat.
The doctor doesn't want you
driving the boat any more.
- Turning to mush.
- No.
It's good to see you, buddy.
- Nice to meet you.
- It was nice meeting you, too.
- Jamie. See?
- Yes.
- What's with the pants?
- He doesn't like them any more.
He's getting worse.
It's so good to have you here.
Go show her the beach.
- Let me show you the beach. Come on.
- Okay.
- Go, get sandy. Get all messed up.
- Okay.
Dylan never told me about your dad.
Yeah, it's been tough on him.
They were real close.
Dylan doesn't quite know
how to deal with the Alzheimer's.
I'm sorry.
He'll be his regular old self
and everything seems fine,
and then just in a flash, he's gone.
- That's Dylan when he was nine.
- Are those braids?
He was going through a Kris Kross phase.
Remember them?
- Is that your mom?
- No, that's Dylan's speech therapist.
He had a stutter.
It got real bad when he was nervous.
He had a rough childhood.
- His math tutor called it "character-building."
- Math tutor?
No, we're talking, like,
But he's very visual, thank God.
- Can you please explain to me this photo?
- That is my 12th-birthday surprise party.
- Hey.
- Amazing moment.
I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go to bed.
- Jamie, you all good with your room?
- Yeah. No, it's perfect.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
Sammy and I built a saw-a-girl-in-half box,
so just be careful on your way to bed.
- He's not using a real saw, is he?
- Of course he is. He's magnificent.
I'll make sure he brushes his teeth,
and you, don't believe anything she says.
She's a liar.
- He's a pretty special guy.
- Yeah, I think so.
- Jamie. Hey.
- Hey.
- You up?
- Yeah. Come in.
- I thought you were going to bed.
- I was.
But then I realized
we were both single again, so...
- Dude, no.
- Why not?
I washed my hands. With soap this time.
Are you serious?
Why would you just assume?
You cracked your neck on the porch.
This thing. That's your tell, remember?
I cracked my neck
because we were on a flight for six hours,
and you were yapping my ear off
about how planes all fly themselves,
and it actually kinked my neck a bit.
- So, no?
- No. Not having sex with you.
Is it your special time?
They have an app for that. No, wait.
- Nope, you're good to go.
- We talked about this.
- Plus, I just got dumped, so...
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I thought this would be a good way
to take your mind off him.
No, I don't function that way.
Sex is not gonna help.
But you know what will? Emotional support.
Before we were sex without emotion,
and now we're emotion without sex.
I just need you to be my friend right now.
Okay. So I'll listen to you
while you give me a hand job.
- No.
- I'm kidding. I got it. Good night.
Wait, hold on! Friends can still hang out
and, I don't know, listen to music.
Listen to music?
I'm gonna kill Annie.
- I can't believe you used to like them.
- I didn't like these guys.
I don't even remember...
And then there's something,
I don't know what he says right there...
Are you kidding me?
These dudes were da bomb.
Everybody had Girbauds,
we all wore them backwards.
The baseball jerseys.
I went as Kris Kross
three years in a row for Halloween.
- Oh, you poor kid.
- I'm not proud of it.
Hey, I borrowed one of your books.
I hope that's okay.
Like this.
Have you really never brought
a girl home before?
I brought you here.
I mean like a real girl. Not a friend.
- A real girl?
- Yeah.
I guess not.
- Separation of church and state.
- Ah, yes.
Build up as many walls as possible.
That's really healthy.
- What, are you talking to me about walls?
- Yeah.
What about you and your mom?
You couldn't get me out of there fast
enough when she walked in on us.
That was for your own protection. Okay?
I'm just surprised she didn't try
to slip you her number or something.
She did. She put it in my phone.
- Under "MILF."
- Oh, my God.
It's cool, we only hooked up, like, twice.
I'm starting to get a mental image.
Well, I have a video image.
No. Just stop it. Just stop it.
Just wrong.
Nothing. Just glad I met you.
Yeah, well, knowing you
doesn't suck either.
- But I thought you said...
- I know what I said.
Lasorda was a good pitcher,
but he was an even better manager.
- Wrecking Crew?
- I wasn't saying he's not a great manager.
He's underappreciated as a pitcher,
that's all I'm saying.
We get it. Guys.
- Hi.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Is it always this beautiful out here?
Well, in between the fires and the floods,
we get about 10 good days.
No, no. Here. You two sit together.
- Are you sure?
- Oh, yeah, no, no.
- You don't have to do that, Dad.
- I know. I wanna look at the boat.
I love that boat.
- Here. Sorry.
- Great. Thanks.
Thank you. This... Okay.
- Coffee, my lady?
- Yes, please.
Thank you.
- All right, man!
- Look at you!
- That's pretty impressive.
- Yay, Sammy!
All right!
Oh, buddy. Your shirt's leaking.
Oh, no, that's...
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- You?
- Yeah.
- See them, Sammy?
- Yeah.
- Pretty cool, huh?
- Yeah.
God, it's nice.
I do miss the mornings out here.
Right before it burns off, it really is beautiful.
I like Jamie.
And she's pretty, too.
Hey, easy, dude.
Don't you go casting a spell on her.
I'm a magician, not a wizard.
You and your gay Harry Potter.
You can't deny that going to Hogwarts
wouldn't be life-changing.
- I miss you.
- I miss you, too, bud.
Mom misses you. And so does Grandpa.
Does he say anything?
No. But sometimes he calls me Dylan.
He said that he didn't want the job.
That he was just coming to New York
to explore his options.
What a crock of gas.
You fly across the country
to explore your options?
Please. I don't think so.
Exactly! Please, I knew I had him
the second he got off that plane.
- Oh, did you, now?
- Yeah.
Was that the same second you leapt
onto the baggage carousel barefoot
and acted out a scene from Will and Grace?
- She did?
- Oh, yeah, you should have seen her.
"Look at me, I'm goofy but cute."
You know what? It was all part of my plan.
Quite a plan.
Did you major in Planning
at Headhunting College?
- So clever.
- It's not a real college, by the way, buddy.
You guys bicker like
you're an old married couple.
Here, pick a card, my lady.
Oh, no, not that one. The one on top.
- This is a good one.
- So...
- Yeah?
- Shuffle.
Did you get her an engagement gift?
We're not engaged, Dad. We're not together.
We're just friends.
All right, you don't wanna label it.
I understand. But get her some jewelry.
The only thing your mom loves is jewelry.
I don't care how upset she is,
I get her jewelry, she lights right up.
Where is she, anyway?
- She's not here, Dad.
- I know, that's why I asked. Where is she?
- She's not coming.
- Why not?
She doesn't live with you any more, Pop.
You're not married.
- What?
- She left about 10 years ago.
I don't understand.
She divorced you, Dad.
- I have to call her.
- Dad, you can't.
Stop telling me what to do.
Get your...
Dylan, get...
- You okay, Dad?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Here, let me help you up.
- No, don't. Don't!
Here we are.
This is beautiful.
Yeah, this is where I used to
come to think. My rooftop.
Okay, how high do you think that fence is?
I'm a little over 6 foot.
Looks like it's about three of me.
So six times three...
Ninety-two feet.
- Ninety-two feet. That's really tall, right?
- Yeah.
But they don't want you to get up there,
so I guess that makes sense.
- Wait. Six times three...
- Oh, God, you poor kid.
- What's up?
- Come on.
What? What? Where are you going?
Jamie, no, no, no, no, no, wait.
They take this shit seriously, okay?
Look at all the cameras.
This is the only landmark this city has
other than the Scientology Center.
And if any of these cameras are hooked up
to the actual Scientology Center,
that was an inappropriate joke
and I apologize.
I believe in the freedom
of science fiction.
Pussy! Oh, sorry.
Come on!
- You really never been up here before?
- No.
I've also never transferred
heroin in my rectum,
'cause it's against the law.
You know, sometimes a simple
yes or no answer is adequate.
Hey, why didn't you tell me about your mom?
She's not worth talking about.
That's rough.
So is leaving your husband and kids.
Yeah, you never told me about him either.
You know, there's a lot of stuff
you didn't tell me.
I don't want your pity.
I can handle anything except
that look in people's eyes.
- That one.
- Who cares what anybody thinks?
He's the smartest man I've ever known.
He's the only person I'd ever go to for advice.
He's my dad.
Dylan, he's still the same man.
When I see the way people
look at him now...
It doesn't matter how people look at him.
All that matters is how you look at him.
Yeah, but he's walking around
without his pants. Everyone's staring.
- So what?
- It's embarrassing.
He needs to know that nothing has changed.
That he's still that same man to you.
Can we stop talking about this?
Yeah, that's really smart.
Let's just not talk about our feelings.
I'm trying not to.
Come on. Is something going on here?
You've been acting really weird.
- No, I haven't.
- Yeah, you have.
Is this about what
happened the other night?
What, sex? That doesn't mean anything.
You know that.
- And I haven't been acting weird.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, shit!
- I told you!
- Well, I'm sorry!
This is the LAPD. You are trespassing.
Get down from the sign.
We gotta jump.
- Dylan, jump!
- I'm frozen.
Come on, get down!
Sin this is your last warning.
- Use the ladder!
- I have a fear of heights!
And also helicopters!
They don't make sense to me!
What do you mean
you have a fear of heights?
Why would you come up here?
You called me a pussy!
A bizarre situation
this afternoon in the Southland.
The LAPD rescued a local man
from the Hollywood sign,
the city's only real landmark.
They actually wrapped
you in a foil blanket!
Did you run a marathon before this?
- Okay. Give me...
- No!
- No, no. I wanna save it. I gotta save it.
- No. That's enough!
- Give me the remote! Shut up!
- No, I wanna watch it over and over.
Foil wrapper...
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
It's okay, it'll be up on YouTube.
Hey, you're still good to take Dad that week I
have to go to DC for Sam's class trip, right?
- Yeah, he's gonna stay with me in New York.
- Oh, good.
So, when are we gonna see Jamie again?
I don't know.
What's your problem?
Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend.
Why don't you believe me?
I would believe you if
you didn't lie to me.
I saw you creeping out of her room
the other night.
Like you had just had sex,
if you know what I mean.
Yes, I know what you
mean, you just said it.
And how do you know
what I look like after I have...
I'm not talking to you about this, okay?
We're not together.
- Dylan.
- Enough! I'm not talking about it.
Forgot my saw. I'll be right back.
I'll wait here. Don't worry about me.
Friends who have sex?
What are you, in college?
- It doesn't matter, it's over.
- Why?
Because we don't like each other like that.
Okay, you know what?
Can we just talk about this? Sit down.
What more are you looking for?
- Who says I'm looking for anything?
- Dylan.
- I don't know, but it's not Jamie.
- Why, because you're great together?
Because you're actually
friends with each other?
Because this is the happiest
I have ever seen you?
I don't know what to tell you. She's not for me.
I don't like her like that.
- You liked her enough to have sex with her.
- It's just physical.
- Like playing tennis.
- I don't even know what that means, Dylan.
I haven't seen you this dumb
since you got that candy corn tattoo.
It's a lightning bolt! With extra powers!
Dylan, you can't name
one thing that's wrong with her.
I can never go out with her.
She's too fucked up.
Okay, she doesn't want a boyfriend.
She's too damaged.
Magnum P.l. couldn't solve
the shit going on in her head.
Wow. You'll say anything right now
not to admit that
you're perfect for each other.
- Why am I still having this conversation?
- Because I'm right.
- Good talk, Annie.
- Dylan.
I don't think the three-point line
would have done anything.
- He was taller than anyone alive.
- No, but it helped Kobe.
- Kobe Bryant is incredible.
- It helped him.
- You're men. You like sports. You're men.
- Scored 81 points. Please.
Hey! We were waiting for you.
I actually got a call from work.
I have to be on a red eye tonight
back to New York.
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
- Tomorrow's the 4th.
- I know, it sucks.
Well, at least let me
drive you to the airport.
No, no. It's fine. Stay.
I already called a cab. It's out front.
But thank you guys for everything.
And thank you for letting me stay here.
It's been pretty great.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Everything okay, buddy?
- Yeah, buddy. Everything's great.
I just really gotta go.
So, thank you again. I'm sorry I gotta go.
- Let Dylan drive you.
- Yeah.
- Do you wanna take some food to go?
- Do you want me to saw you in half?
You can send your bottom part to New York
and your top half can stay here.
Or the whole of you could stay.
Okay, I'm sorry. I gotta go.
She's gone. She hopped in the cab.
- We should eat. You hungry, buddy?
- Yeah.
Okay. Hand me your plate.
Hey, bro. You hungry?
'Cause I'm going to get something to eat.
Thanks, man.
I think I'm just gonna work through lunch.
A work ethic. I love it.
That is why this country is still number one.
Well, behind Germany and France
and Belgium and Japan and China and...
Thank God for Bangladesh.
By the way, why did you take
your door off its lovely hinges?
It was dumb, man.
Something I saw in a management book.
Oh, right, right.
Like, that's how Warren Buffett got rich.
He took doors off of things.
Hey, everybody wants a shortcut in life.
My guidebook is very simple.
You wanna lose weight?
Stop eating, fatty.
You wanna make money?
Work your ass off, lazy.
You wanna be happy?
Find someone you like and never let him go.
Or her, if you're into
that Kind of creepy shit.
Hi, you've reached Jamie Rellis.
I can't pick up the phone right now
but please leave a message
and I'll call you back.
Mom, Mom, you gotta point it at the screen.
You gotta tell it where you are.
Fine. I'm over here pouring myself a drink.
Booty call.
I can take a walk around the block.
No, no. Nope, that's okay.
This is your apartment.
I don't wanna twat-block you.
That's Dylan, right?
- He seemed pretty great.
- You met him once.
Well, that's more than
anybody else you've dated.
I don't know, you think maybe I keep
my worlds apart for some crazy reason?
I am an asshole.
We're looking for someone
to lead the redesign of our entire website.
Someone to turn it completely upside down.
But you can't tell me
what company you work for?
For confidentiality reasons, no.
Can you give me a hint?
We may or may not be the largest seller
of purchased goods on the Internet.
And by 'purchased goods, I mean books.
You just placed the new art director
over at GQ, right?
That's the type of guy we want.
Shoot, that's the guy we want.
Can you get him to come out to us?
No longer have a relationship with him.
- Can you get to him?
- He's still in the first year of his contract,
so that would be inappropriate.
So is paying full price
for a book at Barnes & Noble,
but people do dumb shit.
Hi, you've reached Jamie Rellis.
I can't pick up the phone right now
but please leave a message
and I'll call you back.
Wow, right to voice mail. Didn't even ring.
How'd you know I was up here?
Only place in the city
you don't get reception.
- Why are you avoiding me?
- I'm not.
Really? Come on, Jamie.
Well, Dylan, I don't know if you've heard,
but I am seriously fucked up.
I mean, Magnum P.I. couldn't solve
the shit going on up here.
- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
- But I'm just gonna go
and try to fix the shit going on up
in my head, if that's even possible.
I shouldn't have said that.
I was just trying to get my sister off my back.
- She thought we liked each other.
- Yeah, me, too, Dylan.
I thought we were friends.
But friends don't go
talking shit about each other,
which must mean that you and I
were actually never friends.
- That all you wanted was to get in my pants.
- What?
You jumped at the chance
at your dad's house.
You cracked your neck.
I thought you were giving me a sign.
We talked about this.
Oh, my God, really?
You pulled my robe off.
"Oopsy." Remember?
Yeah. And then you snuck out of the room.
"Oopsy." Remember that?
Are you pissed off at me
because I didn't cuddle?
Isn't that why we started
this whole arrangement in the first place?
You wanted this.
I wanted this?
Just me?
God, you are just like every other guy.
The sad thing is, Dylan,
I actually thought you were different.
Different from what?
I'm not your boyfriend, I'm your friend.
Well, with friends like you,
who needs friends?
And thank you for ruining my mountaintop.
Hey, man, you can't be up here.
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
Bryce, is this for me?
Yeah. And so is this.
Madison, will you many me?
You bet your ass, Flapjack!
- I love New York.
- I love you.
Oh, my God.
Look, the Empire State Building.
Oh, look, the Statue of Liberty.
Hello, this is Jamie.
What do you mean they went to him directly?
Well, is he gonna take it?
No, no, no, no, no. I'll handle it.
I'll call him right now.
Hey this is Dylan. Leave a message.
Excuse me. May I help you?
Oh, hi. Where's Dylan Harper?
He's at a photo shoot for the sports issue.
That's right. The photo shoot.
Where was that again?
I'm sorry. Who are you?
One of the models.
I have the perfect body for Photoshop.
Yeah, this gets more angular,
these get longer,
and this gets way more Christian.
So where did you say he was again?
Sports is the last chance we have
of bringing our world together, bro.
So I just wanted to shoot some photos
that speak to that,
to the unification of all people
through sports.
Okay, guys. Let's go.
That's it.
Okay, now put your arms around each other,
like you like each other,
like you love each other.
- Too gay?
- A little bit.
Throw some girls in there.
Come on, ladies. Hop to.
Girls, girls. Okay, look. Just blend in.
Okay, let's go boy, girl, boy...
- Dylan.
- ...boy, boy, boy, boys.
- What are you doing here?
- You met for another job!
- What, are you gonna leave now?
- I don't know. Yeah, I took one meeting.
- I can't believe you.
- Come here.
- Is this your way of getting back at me?
- What?
You know that if you leave
before a year is up, I get screwed.
Oh, right.
If I did leave,
which I don't know yet
because all I did was take one meeting,
I'd write you a check for your bonus.
Whatever it is, I'll pay for it.
Happy now? We good?
- Why didn't you tell me you were looking?
- That's personal.
And we're not friends any more.
You made that pretty clear.
See, all I wanted to do
was have sex with you. Remember?
Pretend you were the best
friend I'd ever had.
Open up to you
like I've never done with anyone ever.
And then when the sex stopped,
invite you to LA for the weekend
to introduce you to my family.
- I'll send you a check if I take the job.
- Don't bother.
Why don't you pick him up?
Yeah. Just pick him on up.
Oh, you little Christ figure, you!
- Hey, Dyl.
- Dad's coming into Newark Airport, right?
Yeah, he leaves at 9:00 our time.
three-hour time difference,
so he gets in at 321007
Right. How is Dad?
He's lost more often than not now.
But then he has these moments
of real clarity. It's hit or miss.
- Okay.
- How's Jamie?
- That's over.
- Oh, Dylan!
- Okay, we're done.
- Don't be an idiot, please.
Thank you, Annie.
I'll pick up Dad tomorrow at the airport.
- 32:00 sharp.
- I love you.
I don't know what it is.
I just can't get myself
to start looking for a replacement for him,
assuming that he leaves.
- Do you want some motherly love advice?
- Not really.
Oh, good, 'cause I don't know
how to do that.
What I do know is that
it's no great goddamn secret
you live in fear of repeating my mistakes.
And you're not wrong, so learn from me.
Do you know how many men in my life
I thought were really perfect?
- Eighty.
- One.
- Eighty-one?
- One.
It was your dad. Greatest man I ever met.
Obviously. Look at you.
How smart you are, how great,
how funny, how driven.
Your vaguely Middle Eastern beauty.
Sure as hell didn't all come from me.
Okay, but, seriously, Mom,
do you really not remember
where my dad's from?
Or is it like a coping mechanism?
- A little of both.
- Okay.
But I'm pretty sure he's Eurasian.
I mean, we all have our Prince Charming,
you just gotta know him when you see him.
Mom, it's Prince Charming.
You should just know.
Well, your Prince Charming isn't coming
to rescue you in a horse and carriage.
That's not who you want.
I mean, you're looking for a man
to be your partner.
To take on the world with.
You gotta update your fairytale, baby.
My Prince Charming?
- Hey.
- A wheelchair. Like I'm an invalid.
- How was the flight?
- I'm hungry.
You know they don't serve food
in coach any more?
You'd think with these new planes,
they practically fly themselves,
they could get rid of a pilot
and use his salary for a hot lunch.
- I know, right? Let's get you some food.
- God.
The engineering on these planes
is so advanced.
Completely computerized.
- It's like playing a video game.
- Exactly.
God. How long have we been waiting here?
It's ridiculous.
I'll be right back, okay?
Excuse me. We've been waiting a while.
- Harper.
- Yeah, I got you. I got you.
I have to seat people
in the order they came.
I totally understand that,
but I'm with my dad
- and he's not in the best shape.
- I'm sorry.
Is there no way we could,
like, squeeze a table?
No, I gotta go by the list. Sorry.
Shit. Dad?
You gonna join me?
Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry, you cannot do this.
Could I get a steak, medium, please?
- Sir, this is the Daily Grill.
- Make that two.
Dede? Dede!
Who is Dede?
Jesus. She's just a girl
that I met in the Navy.
She was the love of my life.
Why didn't you tell me about her before?
This is not something
you discuss with your children.
And besides, I have you and Annie.
I have no regrets.
So tell me now.
She was the love of my life.
And I was too stupid to realize it,
and I lost her because of something
so dumb I don't even remember.
And I never really got over her.
And I think that may be
one of the reasons your mom left.
You know, my friends used to say that
when Dede and I looked at each other,
it was electric.
And I let her go.
I just let her go.
Because I was too damn proud
to tell her howl really felt about her.
I'll tell you something that I wish
I knew when I was your age.
And I know you've heard
a million times, "life is short."
But let me tell you something,
what this is teaching me
is that life is goddamn short
and you can't waste a minute of it.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The girl I brought home to LA, Jamie?
- Yeah, what's going on with her?
- I think I messed it up.
- Fix it.
- She won't talk to me.
Maybe she'll listen. There's always a way.
If you think there's even a chance
that she could be it, you fix it.
Did Annie put you up to this?
Who's Annie?
I'm kidding.
What, I can't joke about this?
- Jesus Christ, Dad.
- I don't know what else to do.
Let's go.
You don't want to finish your steak?
We're eating in the goddamn airport.
I can leave the steak. Come on.
Yeah, hey, this is Dylan Harper from GQ.
We meta few weeks ago at the...
Right. Hey, can I ask you a huge favor?
- I am so sorry, sir.
- It's my fault.
- You just scared me.
- No, no. My fault. You all right?
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Here, let me help you with that.
- Thanks, man. You're really nice.
- All right. Hey, safe travels.
- All right, thanks, man.
- Okay, thank you.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
All right, let's dance, Clowny Brown.
- What's your problem with me?
- I saw you at that bar with Jamie.
How could such an awesome girl
be with this over this?
I've been trying to take that little monkey
to pound-town for years.
- I'll tell her you say hello.
- What?
You missed a little. There you go.
Dylan! I got a cab. Come on.
I ever run into you again,
I'll crush your earlobes
and make soup stock out of them.
- You have a vivid imagination.
- I do!
- I'm gonna get in the cab now.
- I'm gonna go make soup!
- What's the matter with her?
- I don't know.
God! I thought LA was bad.
This traffic is terrible.
Is there another way into the city?
I owe you big time, Tommy.
You'll make it up to me.
Actually, I was heading into town anyway.
Tonight's the Butterfly Ball.
Great place to pick up dudes.
- You okay, Dad?
- Are you kidding?
Couldn't get any better, buddy.
Yeah. Hi, this is Dylan. We met at...
Right. Can I ask you a huge favor?
My number. Here's the remote.
My friend Dave from across the hall, his
oven broke, so he'll be using the kitchen.
Your friend Dave is here using the kitchen
or watching me?
- Holy...
- What?
"How to wear white pants to a cookout."
Did you scoop the Times on this?
I smell Pulitzer.
All right, all right.
Just say hello to her for me, will you?
See you, Dad.
Thanks, man.
Hi, Dave from across the hall.
Hi, Mr. Harper. How are you?
And now we know why you're here.
Mom, I'm over by the Lexington exit.
Where are you?
I'm standing right by the guy in the tie.
- There are a million guys in ties.
- So look for the guy I'm standing next to.
You never do what you say you're gonna do.
When am I gonna learn?
Just hang on, baby.
I don't think I'm gonna be able
to make it after al/.
Something came up. Let's meet tomorrow.
I'll be on the stairs.
Right across from you.
Oh, my God.
Have a great night, baby.
What is this?
It's Closing Time, by the band Semisonic!
It's not Third Eye Blind.
Can you believe that?
No, no, no. Not the song. This.
You said you wanted your life
to be like a movie.
Sorry I had to use the real Grand Central
instead of the fake one.
Listen, Jamie, I'm...
I'm having trouble hearing you!
Yeah, I didn't really think this through.
I guess in the movies
the guy pours his heart out
and they put the music in later.
I messed up.
I was scared.
Look at what happened
with my mom and my dad.
Of course I was scared.
So I ruined it.
Everything that happens in the day,
all I can think to myself is,
"I can't wait to tell Jamie about this."
When I see someone cursing,
all I picture is you blinking.
And when I hear a kid's been cured of
cancer, I pray it's not by that douchebag,
tree-hugging fucking doctor
who ran out on you.
I mean, cancer being cured is awesome,
but, you know, I wish someone else did it.
Come on.
Hey, I miss you.
Yeah, I miss you, too.
But you're not wrong, I am damaged.
So am I. Who isn't?
That's what makes us so awesome.
- And our tattoos.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no.
- Shut up. It's not what you think.
Jamie, will you be my best friend again?
- That is so lame.
- I know.
That's some Prince Charming shit,
though, right?
- Get up.
- Okay.
Look, I can live without
ever having sex with you again.
It'd be really hard.
Hey, I want my best friend back,
because I'm in love with her.
- Under one condition.
- Anything.
Kiss me.
- In public? In front of all these people?
- I did not ask you to...
You can all go home now.
Okay. So...
- What do we do now?
- Have our first date.
Oh, my God!
Did you get a horse and carriage?
Yeah, that's not for you.
Oh, thank God.
Horses actually scare the shit out of me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So, where are you from?
- Outside of Philly, actually.
- Interesting.
- I'm from LA, just moved to New York.
- Interesting. Didn't really ask, but go on.
What? I'm excited, I'm
on a first date. So...
This isn't weird at all.
- We're okay.
- Yeah. Thank you.
Yeah, fuck it.
Roll credits, roll credits, roll credits.
And here come the outtakes.
Because if the actors had
a good time making it, it must be good.
You bet your ass, Jason.
Oh, my God, I just called him Jason.
Look, the crew's laughing.
They made me do it! They made me do it.
It's my favorite part.