Friends with Kids (2011) Movie Script

Hey, doll.
Death by shark or alligator?
I don't swim in the ocean.
Alligators are in lakes or swamps
and marshes.
But sharks are only in the ocean.
You can't change the rules, Jase.
You gotta pick.
The rules presume
that both deaths could occur.
They can. You can't mitigate risk to zero.
I can mitigate risk to zero on shark death
if I never get into the ocean.
Unless you're in a plane
that goes down in the ocean
and you don't die on impact.
Okay, fine. Shark. It's faster.
Alligators drown you before they eat you.
So, there. Shark. Okay?
- You happy?
- Yes.
You wanna come up?
- Is Katherine there?
- Yeah.
- Then, no thank you.
- No, it's fine. Come up. She...
I'm going to break up with her soon anyway.
Really? Already?
- I give it like three weeks.
- Poor Katherine.
She'll be fine. She's got a great
sense of humor.
- You're such an asshole.
- I know.
- You have a problem.
- I have many.
I blame my parents.
Why are you whispering by the way?
Oh, there's a guy in my bed.
What? Doll, that's great.
No, it's not. He's like eleven.
He's a bartender. What is wrong with me?
Nothing. It's been like years, hasn't it?
- Six months and a week.
- Exactly.
It's not natural.
Doll, you gotta sweep out the cobwebs.
Thank you for that.
From your vagina.
Got it.
- I think you should come up.
- No, it's okay.
I'm just gonna take a pill.
I'll see you tonight, yeah?
All right. Is it all of us?
Yeah, it's the six of us, and Katherine.
Unless you break up with her before then.
- Okay.
- Keep me posted.
- Night, doll.
- Night.
Thank you. Okay.
Yeah, that's fine. Just make it a breakfast.
Can you hold that, please?
- Gotta stop meeting like this.
- Hi, doll.
Did you have to wear those shoes?
- Do you feel inadequate?
- Do you feel enormous?
Fuck you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Well done, doll.
Did you do this through your boss?
Yep. And I only had to blow him
like three times.
And that guy, twice.
- Hello!
- Hi.
- Hi, beauty.
- You look so pretty.
You look gorgeous.
I think we both look terrific.
How are you? Good to see you.
You're all glowy.
- I love touching your face.
- I love it when you do.
Jase, where's Katherine?
Is she meeting you here?
- No!
- Seriously?
I don't know. I don't know.
- Poor Kath.
- What?
I forget, what do they say
about commitment issues?
Is it you hated your mom,
you wanted sex with your mom?
- Come on...
- I think it's hate your mom.
I thought it was that you're afraid
your mom's gonna cut your penis off.
Thank you all very, very much. Thank you.
Can I just point out that
Jule can't get to a second date.
Oh, that's not fair, that is not fair.
I'm trying, I went to the last setup
from this one, brutal...
Wait, your message got cut off.
You didn't like Russell? He's gorgeous.
- He's a criminal.
- Yeah.
- White collar. You can make that work.
- Really?
- Is that what it's come to?
- Come on.
That is not that big of a deal.
- How do you make that work?
- It is a fancy prison.
So, wait, are Ben and Missy late, or...
Oh, no. They're here.
- What...
- They went to the bathroom...
- Twenty minutes ago.
- What?
- To have...
- Yes. I believe so.
- Oh, my God... - To do...
I think that means this, is that...
Do they have sex, like, all the time?
They have sex
way more than anyone we know.
Jase has sex a lot...
I do, but not at that level.
I mean, I've never had sex on a boat
or a piano.
Not yet. Not yet you haven't.
Remember at my dad's funeral?
When they had sex in that...
- Hey!
- Hi!
What's up, guys?
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- Welcome back.
- Thank you.
- Hi. How are you? Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
Good to have you back.
We ran into a couple of his friends
from work downstairs...
Then we were in line,
a phone call...
In the bathroom?
- Who'd you run into?
- Yeah.
- Our friends, Barbara and Dave.
- Dave and Barbara.
- I don't know them.
- All right.
- So great we're all here.
- Yeah, I know.
Oh, my God.
So nice...
- Guys, can you believe this?
- What?
Hundred bucks a plate,
and they're bringing toddlers?
Are they even allowed in here?
People, it's Manhattan,
we're here to live the dream,
leave the kiddies at home.
We're pregnant.
- Oh, my God, that's amazing!
- Congratulations!
- That is such great news.
- That's so nice.
- That's amazing!
- I know, isn't it?
- Thanks, Ben.
- Sorry, we knew.
They told us before. We knew
and we didn't want to say anything.
- No, no. We just told them.
- We just told them.
- They've been busy.
- That is amazing...
Please disregard what I just said.
- No, no, we hate those people, too...
- We hate them. We hate them...
- We are not those people.
- These are awful people.
- I don't hate them...
- I love those.
We are never going to bring our kids
to a place like this.
Or any fancy place.
Or anywhere.
We are going to keep them at home.
- You can't...
- Yeah, we're gonna be cool.
Les will still be strident and I'm going
to keep drinking a lot, so...
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
- I love you, baby.
- I love you, too.
We're excited.
Serious, you guys,
everything's gonna be the same.
- Nothing's gonna change.
- Of course.
I guess I need six pink and eight blue ones.
- So, 14 total.
- Yeah.
- Wrapped?
- Oh, wrapped would be so great.
If you could do... Oh, thank you.
Hold on one sec, sorry.
Thanks, Steph. Thank you.
- Did you say 1,400 something?
- Yes, ma'am.
I'm gonna get back to you
after I make some tough decisions, thanks.
Are you looking at what I'm looking at?
Check your inbox.
Okay. Hold please.
Oh, my God.
Wow, that is bold!
Yeah, really.
Really. I was eating lunch.
Is that corn?
But now my appetite's back, thank you.
Sorry. Hey, what do you want
for your birthday, anyway?
A great girl with big tits, long legs,
who isn't crazy, or neurotic, or religious.
What that I can get in the next three hours?
- Nespresso machine.
- Done.
I'm sorry, I couldn't get them
to a restaurant. I really tried.
No, whatever. It's the baby card.
They all play it.
But it's not just the baby card,
it's the baby card and Brooklyn.
So it's like...
- It's like two cards.
- It's two cards.
- I hate Brooklyn.
- Brooklyn is the new Manhattan.
Manhattan is the new Manhattan.
- Nice.
- I read it.
Well, at least Ben and Missy will be there.
That's big.
Haven't seen them since the hospital.
No, can't be that long.
- Weren't they at that thing at the...
- Nope.
Thank you.
Slow painful death by disease,
or watching the love of your life
die a slow painful death by disease?
A. Definitely A.
Much worse to be without the person
you love than to have a slow painful death.
But I wouldn't make mine slow and painful,
I'd get out early.
- How?
- Up the morphine drip. You?
Oh, B. I'm living!
You would rather watch the love of your life
die slowly and painfully?
Well, it wouldn't be awesome
but better them than me.
I got a lot of good years left.
Are we late enough? Should we circle?
Thirty-five minutes?
I think we're late enough.
- Hey!
- Happy Birthday.
We're not quite there yet.
Cole, honey, can you just...
Please, for a moment!
Alex, can you come out here
for a second, please?
I'm in the bathroom!
Really? Well, Jule and Jase are here,
so why don't you come out!
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Alex.
You know what,
can you guys watch him for a second?
- Yeah, of course.
- We brought some wine, if you...
Hey, Cole.
- I'm gonna open one of these.
- Do that.
Hey, Cole. What's up, buddy?
Hey, Cole, you know what?
We brought you something.
Oh, my goodness, you're huge!
And I like you tremendously!
I missed you so much.
Oh, my goodness! How you doing?
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- How's it going, man?
- Happy birthday, little fella.
- Thanks, haven't seen you in a while.
I could use a little help,
what do you think, huh?
- Maybe pick up a little bit?
- I was in the bathroom.
Yeah, we know. Do you have to make it
a 45-minute production
when we're having guests over? Jesus!
- I was reading an article...
- Maybe you could shut the door.
It's fucking toxic in here.
I was airing it out!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry!
- Oh, sweetie, no. Please.
- I got it, it's fine.
Hon, did we get Jase a gift?
Jase, we forgot.
We're gonna get it this weekend, sorry!
- Oh, shit, we're gonna get something.
- It's fine.
- That's Ben and Miss.
- Yeah, we haven't seen them.
Ben and Missy are here.
- You look good.
- Thanks, you, too.
- I mean, you're... Did you...
- I lost weight.
- It's fucking sweet of you to even notice.
- You did. You look good.
- Really?
- Alex!
Could you get the fucking door?
What are you, deaf?
Did the... Did the bell ring?
Are you fucking kidding me today?
You want me to get it?
I'll get it, I'm doing everything else.
- I might have to murder him.
- Do you want me to put the sauce on?
- Hey, man.
- Hey! Oh...
Yep. All day.
I apologize for the 50 times
he rang the doorbell.
- Hey.
- Hey, how we doing?
- Hey, Troy.
- Hello.
- Hey. Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
Happy birthday.
I'm sorry. I feel like an asshole,
apparently I forgot to pick up your gift.
Which was already wrapped and paid for
and two blocks from his office...
- I'll get it to you tomorrow.
...still couldn't find the time to pick it up.
It's a tie. You can return it.
It's okay, but thanks.
Wait, so who was this guy again?
Oh, my God,
he was a set-up through my boss.
I got there, he was 61.
I'm sorry, excuse me.
Can I put him in with Katie? Do you mind?
Oh, yeah, the monitor's right there.
Go ahead.
He's fine.
- My God, he's fine. He'll be fine.
- I'll put him in there. He'll fall asleep.
He's hungry.
That's his hungry cry. Just go feed him.
Why don't you feed him?
I brought the bottle,
why don't you feed him for once?
Fine, I'll feed him!
It's not like it's that big a deal.
She acts like I raped her to have a kid.
So, Jase, how's work?
Oh, fine.
- We're doing the Bud Super Bowl spots.
- Excuse me.
- Pretty cool.
- That is cool.
And that's my cue.
My turn, clearly...
- You need help, sweetie?
- No, no, I'm all right.
How's Callie?
Oh, we... We broke up.
- No...
- Like, four months ago.
- Can we get another?
- Thank you.
- Jesus Christ.
- That was unbelievable.
- Seriously, though...
- God!
We don't know those people.
Those people are mean, and angry, and...
- When did that happen?
- I don't know.
I don't know, when they had kids?
- Come on, that doesn't make you mean.
- Maybe it does.
Can we get a couple more?
No, come on, it can't be that.
It can't be just that.
- I mean, it's hard, yeah.
It's got to be hard. - Sure.
You know, you go through pregnancy
and it's stressful
and you're fat and cranky, and I get that.
Of course.
But, I'm sorry,
that's what you signed on for.
- Yes, you did.
- They both knew going in
that it was going to be shitty
for nine or ten months.
I know, right.
But, then, you get a great kid at the end.
Like Cole.
I know. The having the kid
part's exciting and great.
Miracle of life, people bring gifts.
You got visitors, the in-laws,
everyone's around,
people bake things and knit little hats...
but then after all the hoopla,
nobody sleeps for what, like a year?
Yeah, a year or two.
That'll make you mean.
You know
what the hardest part is to me, though?
The part I just can't wrap my brain around?
The loosening of the vagina
and the worry that
your guy'll never like fucking you again
because it's cavernous now, and not...
Sorry, go ahead.
No, the hardest part,
and everyone says this,
is that suddenly you love this creature,
I mean, this stranger, right?
Far and above the person you chose
to spend the rest of your life with.
The person you chose on the planet
over absolutely everyone else to be with.
But what's the alternative,
just not like your kid that much?
Talk about him behind his back
and leave him out of things?
Tell him he's a douchebag?
No, this is my point, the setup is flawed.
I mean, think about it.
At my age, even if I meet my guy,
I mean, the guy I've been waiting for
my whole life, I'll have, like, what?
Six months to a year of awesome
before we're plunged into babydom
and then it doesn't get good again
for like five years?
Yeah, if you survive it.
You see? I don't know how you get to be
the most important person to your person
and not miss out on having a kid.
Unless you marry a divorced guy with kids.
Yeah, but then you miss out on birth
and you're second best to the kids.
So what are you saying?
You want to be already divorced, with a kid,
so you can meet the man of your dreams?
Actually, divorced people
have it kind of great.
They get all the toxic unsexy stuff
out of the way with the first person,
and then when they meet the person
they really want to be with,
they only have to deal with the kid
half the time.
Right, built-in child care.
Right, they get all kinds of time together
when the kid's with the ex,
then they get QT with the kid
because it's special.
- Right. It's like the perfect setup.
- Or you could just not have kids.
- Oh, I want them so much, don't you?
- Are you kidding? Of course, I do.
- I'm gonna have a kid no matter what.
- Well, me, too. At least one.
- Why don't we just do it?
- Do what?
- Have a kid. Get it over with.
- What?
We love each other, we trust each other,
we're responsible, gainfully employed,
and totally not
attracted to each other physically.
Yeah, that'd be perfect, beat the system.
Right. We have the kid,
share all the responsibility,
and just skip over the whole
marriage and divorce nightmare.
I mean, you don't really have
a lot of time to waste, doll.
Get to it, pop one out,
lose the weight quickly,
then start looking for your guy.
I can't really tell if
you're kidding right now.
- What if I wasn't?
- What?
- Kidding.
- Really?
Just what if?
Just talk it through for a sec,
pro and con it.
Yeah, just spitball.
I never got that expression,
how do you go from fourth grade, hitting
people in the neck with small pieces of...
- Off topic.
- Sorry.
Well, what would we tell our future people?
Easy. We dated casually once or twice,
got pregnant,
you wanted to keep the kid
'cause you're old.
I had no choice, so we decided
to split custody and remain friends.
That makes me the villain.
Okay, we both wanted a kid
but not each other,
so split custody and remained friends.
What if I meet my guy while I'm pregnant?
Then you say you're not sure whose it is.
You've been dating casually.
- Then I'm a slut.
- Okay, all right.
Well, then, you told the guy
whom you only slept with once, me,
and I wasn't into it,
but you were and it's your body, so...
You know what?
I'm not gonna find my guy till post-baby,
I need to drink on dates.
- Really?
- Really, really.
- Really, really.
- Okay, look me in the eye...
Oh, boy.
And tell me that you will be 100%
committed to this, half the time.
I will be 100% committed to this,
half the time, maybe even more.
Puts hair on your chest.
Shit, what do we tell our friends?
Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm good on my feet.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
It's our dream, we've always wanted
you guys to get together!
- Oh, no...
- No, we're not going to get together.
They're not getting together.
They're just gonna fuck one time
and have a kid.
- Right?
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Why do you have to call it "fucking," man?
- Oh, do we have to do this?
Jule and Jase are trying
to tell us something.
- Look, we really wanna have a kid.
- Yeah.
We just don't want to subject that kid
to our tragic marriage.
Our tragic marriage?
- No, our tragic marriage.
- The one we would have.
- Us.
- I mean, see,
we don't want to fall into the trap
that most of our friends have...
We want to do it in a way
that doesn't kill the romance and...
The thing is, I'm old. Is the thing.
I get it.
You want to have a kid, but without
all the shit that comes with marriage.
- Right. Yes.
- Yes.
Totally makes sense to me.
You are good on your feet.
Your pitches must go great.
You're welcome.
Oh, my God, what about our parents?
Well, your mom will cry,
and my dad will write a check.
- You don't think she's
really upset, do you? - No.
- Why are you so upset?
- Why?
- Why? Because it's an affront to us.
- To us? Like specifically to us?
To all normal people
who struggle and make sacrifices
and make commitments to make
a relationship work, yes, it's insulting.
To us, specifically and in general.
- Wow. Okay, Judge Judy.
- Judge...
You don't think it's insulting
to our way of life?
Our way of...
We're not Mormons or old-timey people.
We don't exactly have a way of life, babe.
- You know what I mean.
- It's a brave new world, honey.
There are test-tube babies
and surrogate babies
and Jon & Kate Plus 8.
I don't think that two friends
having a kid together
because it might be her last chance
is the worst thing that I ever heard.
Two seconds, we'll be right back.
Two seconds.
Oh, my God, that's the worst idea
I've ever heard.
Oh, my God. What do we do?
What do we say?
I don't know. Nothing.
I mean, we can't say anything, right?
We'll be right there, you guys!
This is so exciting!
- They're so fucked.
- So fucked.
- They seem totally on board. Yes.
- They're on board.
I mean, I get the ticking
clock thing for Julie,
but why do you think
Jason wants to do this?
I know, I didn't even think
he wanted to have kids,
but I know she wanted
to have kids eventually, but...
- You think he feels sorry for her?
- What? No.
No, what, I mean, no.
- Not just that.
- You think he feels sorry for her.
Okay, maybe partly he feels sorry for her.
Is that so bad?
I mean, he's got all the time in the world,
but this might be it for her.
What? "lt" for her?
- Oh, no...
- That is so fucking insulting!
- Oh, now I'm insulting?
- Yes!
She's insulting, I'm insulting,
it's a terrible day for you.
You're saying it's it for her.
I mean, she's not dying.
Okay, well, you set her up with a guy,
what, four years ago?
- Who was in prison!
- God!
I'm just saying, who do we know?
Who do we know, good guys,
who are available and ready to commit
in their late thirties?
I don't have anyone for her.
It's not that hard.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
So we find her somebody younger,
like your age.
Well that's not gonna happen.
What do you mean?
That's happening right now.
With us? That's different.
- That's unfair.
- Why?
Because, hon, when we met,
you were in your twenties.
- So?
- So, 28, 22, that's hot.
Are you seriously telling me
that if we met today,
it wouldn't happen?
Honestly, no.
Probably not.
- You're a super douchebag.
- I'm kidding!
- I'm kidding.
- I'm gonna strangle you!
- Last question.
- Shoot.
Did we decide on a method?
Is it worth trying the drunken sex thing
once or twice
on the off chance?
- He is not...
- Yeah...
And that is... Okay.
- Thanks. Thanks a lot.
- No, no, no. I'm sorry.
- It's just weird.
- I know.
It's like kissing a brother, or something.
- Great.
- Okay, try again.
- For real.
- It's fine.
Maybe we should not kiss
and just watch the porn.
Little more porn.
It's just sex, come on.
- Just forget it's me for a second.
- Okay.
- And let's do this.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Let me just dim the lights a little bit.
That's better. I'm sorry I don't have
big tits. I know that's your thing.
That's okay. I've seen your tits.
You have? When?
Streak night in college.
Hamptons time-share,
in the hot tub, millennium weekend.
- Oh, that was a great trip.
- It was.
You're stalling.
Sorry, okay.
Let's just do it.
Oh, I should tell you,
I'm a grower, not a shower.
I know.
- What?
- No, I know it gets big. Leslie told me.
Alex told her. Oh, and Callie told me.
- Callie told you?
- Yeah.
I think she was trying
to make me feel bad or something.
I don't know, just 'cause I didn't have
access to your big dick or something?
I don't know, I didn't really get her.
Really? Why didn't you ever tell me that?
- I did.
- You did?
I did.
- Anyway. Okay.
- All right, good luck.
- Here goes...
- Yes.
Wow, does that move
really work on people...
Are you kidding me? Seriously?
Is this the way this is gonna go?
That was such a...
Right up there... It was...
Well, yeah, we gotta
get down to business here, sweetie.
It was very sudden.
I'm sorry, it's just sometimes
girls need a little foreplay.
- Oh, really?
- A little something.
Really? Is that what girls need? Are you
going to tell me about what girls need?
Sorry I said anything. Let's start again.
You know I'm gonna need
to get down there at some point,
if we're going to conceive a child.
- I do know that. Agreed.
- All right.
So may I approach the bench?
Yeah? Okay.
- This way? Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, was this a terrible idea?
Not the thing, not the plan, but this way.
Was it just not a good idea?
Maybe I should just get going. I mean,
this is starting to get embarrassing.
No, no, no. Please don't.
I haven't had sex in a really long time.
Really? Me, too. How long?
Three months.
- You?
- Thursday.
You are such an asshole.
- God, you didn't even tell me!
- It's not a big deal.
- It's kind of a big deal.
- Really?
- With that waitress?
- Yeah.
I bet she had big tits.
- No.
- Yes, she did.
- She did, they were enormous.
- Such an asshole.
You're such a jerk, I hate you...
Why don't you stop hitting me?
It's a pain in the ass.
Let's just pretend
we're really into each other, okay?
So, a life coach.
What exactly does that mean?
Basically I just help people
strategize, focus, prioritize, you know?
Wow, that's a mouthful.
Hi, I'll have a glass of
the '93 Chteauneuf-du-Pape.
I'll just get a Stella.
Sorry, I have to take this.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's okay.
Doctor Wong, great!
Do you think this epidural
should be working better or something?
Can you turn it up, do you think?
Meningitis. Meningitis.
Oh right, hey...
Can I ask you to put some of this on?
We saw an ER episode
where the woman got spinal meningitis
because she got the germs
from the doctor's hands and died.
It was really sad. I mean, it was good,
it was a strong episode, but sad...
All right, we're almost there, keep pushing.
Oh, my God, it really is disgusting.
It's super gross.
Your vagina looks like a jellyfish.
- Death by drowning or fire?
- Not now!
It's crowning. Scissors.
- No, no...
- Oh, no!
No, Doctor, please, no episiotomy.
She wants to be back in the dating pool
in six to eight weeks,
so if you could just
let it tear naturally...
What are you doing?
All right, just a few more pushes.
There, keep pushing.
- It's coming!
- I feel like it's coming out of my ass!
- Oh, my gosh, you guys.
- I know, right?
Are you waving hello to us?
You have a baby.
- It was bad.
- I know, honey, you look good...
Look at him. He looks just like your father.
Really? Who remembers?
A widow with no grandchildren
until now remembers.
Mom, Dad left us 12 years before he died,
and he remarried,
you're not a widow,
that's not what "widow" means.
- Hello.
- Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Marcy.
- Hello, sweetheart.
This is all very weird.
Hi, Phil. Nice to see you.
Elaine, how've you been?
Just wish my husband was here to see this.
Leslie, Alex, how are your children?
- The ones born in wedlock?
- They're fine, thank you.
- Who wants champagne?
- Right here.
I'd love some, Alex.
It seems appropriate, right?
So, this is Joe.
Nice job, son.
- Phil, give him the gift.
- Right.
This is for your share, son.
- Dad...
- Oh, no, no, it's fine.
Of course,
it's all going to be down the middle.
- So, don't worry.
- Okay, we gotta run.
- Really? That's it?
- Congratulations.
So you're... That's your... Okay.
Gotta go check in at the hotel.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Thanks for...
They are a delight. Cheers.
You're really sweet.
- It's a shame he got my nose.
- I know. And my weak chin.
Your chin's not weak.
Yes it is, I just jut it out a lot
because I'm self-conscious.
- Lf I kind ofjust...
- Oh, yeah, you do.
- Never noticed that before.
- Yeah.
- But he got your upper lip, thank God.
- And hopefully my sense of humor.
- What?
- What?
Hey, how was your date, by the way?
She over-French-pronounces French words.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah. I needed an out.
Good job.
- Hey, doll, you did great.
- Thanks.
- He's pretty special, huh?
- Yeah.
I'm glad we did this.
- Me, too.
- I think it's gonna work out really well.
You can take these up to your place, right?
Ski boots. Oscillating fan.
Terrible luggage.
You all right?
- Hey.
- Oh, thank God you're here.
What happened?
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I did everything. I fed him, I changed him,
I burped him, I swaddled him...
- Did you do the mobile?
- Mobile...
- You did mobile.
- I did mobile, and the train thing,
and fly like an airplane
and he's been crying like this for an hour!
- I think he hates me!
- No, he doesn't hate you, sweetie.
He doesn't hate anybody.
He's not a hater. Come here.
He's not bright enough to be a hater
right now, his brain is like this big.
- Don't say that.
- It's true.
Don't say that in front of him.
He's dumb as a stump right now.
He can't discern the nuances of
who to hate right now. That comes later.
You're okay.
How did you do that?
It's simple. He loves me and he hates you.
- Oh, you are so mean!
- I'm joking!
- Are you kidding me?
- Look.
Are you kidding me? Are you re-gifting?
- Yes. We have to be quiet.
- Is this for me?
- No, this is temporary. So calm down.
- Is this for me?
Okay. Oh, great.
I can't do it. I gotta put Joe to bed.
It's my night. Let's do Tuesday.
No, my kid's got tumbling practice.
- What? They're enormous, right?
- They're big.
But, you know, that's a good thing.
What is the tits thing?
I sort of get it now, but...
Look, I can explain it very simply to you.
Look at Joe right now.
See how happy he is?
That's as happy as he's ever going to be.
Buried in tits.
And your last job was?
I was taking care of the most
beautiful little girl in SoHo.
- Wow.
- That's wonderful.
I just want to make one note.
Is there anything you see, Jase,
that you want to enquire about?
- Or comment on?
- Right.
- No.
- No.
So, do I have the job?
Hey, when do you think it'll be okay
to get naked with someone?
Let me see.
I think we're three weeks out.
- Three to four.
- Okay, thanks.
Five, tops.
No, we haven't seen them.
Like not once. Just e-mail.
I'm amazed we're finally being invited over
to witness this grand experiment
in progress.
- You haven't seen Jule?
- No, can you imagine?
We've had two dinner dates, and late drinks,
she calls to cancel at the last minute,
literally while I'm in the cab, by the way,
and I had a sitter and everything.
And these are on her nights,
and I'm like, "Really?"
Dude has missed the last five poker nights,
and I'm like,
"I'm sorry, that's living the dream?"
That's my shitty life.
Seriously, I expected a lot more
out of these guys. A lot of big talk.
He didn't even come Monday
when I had floor seats for the Knicks.
- Fuck you, why didn't you ask me?
- Fuck you, you were in Chicago.
Honey, just the floor, baby, that's it.
You got it.
- How was it?
- It was amazing.
I was right by Seinfeld.
- Get the fuck out.
- No.
Get the fuck out.
- Great.
- That's funny.
You know what, guys?
I think that they are really struggling.
And I think they just
haven't been able to face us.
I don't think they had any idea
how hard any of this was gonna be.
They had no idea.
Fuck off!
- He's good at that.
- No.
Anyway, I think we need to be
a little more supportive. You know?
Yeah, they're probably in hell.
Hey, Cole. How are you,
can I take your coat?
Good to see you, long time.
Hi, Troy, how are you?
Hi, Katie, you look so pretty.
Hey, Cole, can I take your backpack?
There he is.
- Thank you very much.
- The place looks amazing.
Something smells good.
- Hey, Jase, did you remember to get...
- Of course, I did.
Hey, who would like to watch
Thomas the Tank Engine?
- I do! I do!
- Thomas! Let's do this.
Uncle Jason is going to take you guys...
- I know you want an espresso.
- Oh, please.
Help yourself. We have Bloody Mary mix,
mimosas, whatever you want,
I'm going to get the coffees going.
Look at this!
I can't believe how big he's gotten.
Nineteen weeks, can you believe?
- I feel totally inadequate.
- No, don't.
This is ridiculous.
- Yes, sweetie, if you need sugar, cream...
- Gosh, look at you guys. Thank you...
Jason made the most amazing quiches.
We've got quiche Lorraine,
and spinach, too.
Oh, I got it, yeah.
They're really great and hot, so dig in.
- It's all right, buddy.
- Hey, Jule, can you take him?
Oh, you're such a faker.
Oh, you're okay.
Why don't you check him?
You wanna check him?
- Yeah, maybe. Do you mind?
- Yeah, sure.
- Can you do it?
- Yeah, can you deal with the coffee?
Yeah, I figured out the thing
I kept fucking up, it was the lever...
Look at you, competent.
See how that works?
Yeah, sure, it turns out
I'm much better with shit than she is.
It's true. But we decided guys spend more
time crapping and puking, right?
Are you kidding me?
This one goes into the bathroom
with a laptop and a sandwich.
I like to take my time, babe.
I like to take my time.
Why are you proud of that? It's gross.
So, you guys, tell me everything,
what's been happening?
Let's see...
Well, we've been filling out the world's most
ridiculous kindergarten application for Cole,
tougher than the LSATs.
- Oh, my God, really?
- It's literally 17 pages of stuff like,
"What are your child's
most promising attributes?"
I don't know. Pulling on his wiener
and hitting stuff all the time?
Freaking out his sister.
- It's just gas.
- Oh, good.
Hey, Jase, how are things
with the hot Latina nanny?
Thanks for sending me her Facebook page,
by the way,
I jerked off to it a few times already.
Wow, you are such a pig!
You're a complete pig!
- You weren't in the room.
- It's fine. Penelope's over.
- It doesn't matter.
- What, since last night?
- Yeah.
- What happened?
She got needy. And she voted for Bush.
Damn, six weeks and out?
We could have hired her.
You don't think Gladys is working out?
No, I do, she just scares me a little.
Doll, you didn't tell me that. Come on.
- She's, like, mean to me sometimes.
- She is?
- A little bit mean. Just a couple of times.
- She's gone. I'm gonna kill her.
I think she just doesn't like me, exactly...
Julie, when are you gonna
get back out there?
- Oh, I don't know, I'm not ready yet...
- She thinks her vagina's too loose.
- Jason!
- No, I do. I absolutely do.
- But she's Kegeling.
- Talking about Kegeling?
- What is Kegeling?
- It's exercises to strengthen your vagina.
Yeah. I'm doing them constantly.
I'm doing them right now.
- You can't even tell.
- I can tell.
- I can see.
- You saw it, right?
That was a mean Kegel.
Jule, don't wait too long, 'cause I
have some serious prospects for you.
Not all of them are convicts.
- Oh, my God, I'm so annoyed with you.
- Fingers crossed.
- I don't want to go.
- You're going. You should just go.
But how lame is it that it's a lunch?
I mean, late lunch? Really?
Lunch is good, lunch is low stakes.
I just want to stay here, though,
and go to the park with you guys.
I don't want to miss anything.
We're literally going to see you
in two hours.
I know, but late lunch. It's so unpromising.
- You know what I think?
- What?
I think late lunch
can turn into early cocktails.
So you can roll into evening
if it's going well,
but you also have a solid out
'cause it's just lunch.
- A late lunch.
- A late lunch, yes.
So, I think it's an impressive,
strategic move on his part.
Wow. Thanks for saying that.
All right, I'm gonna go.
Good-bye. Good-bye.
I will see you very soon. Bye.
Have fun with Daddy.
Say bye to Mommy.
Tell Mommy you hope she gets laid!
Shut up! God.
No, no.
Holy shit.
Slow down!
Okay, okay, you know what? Hey.
- Okay, buddy, you just go with this, okay?
- Okay, let's sit. Can you sit?
Sit. Thank you.
"Daw!" That's right, bud. "Daw!"
Yeah, do you want to say hi to "daw"?
Well, maybe this drop-dead beautiful woman
who owns the "daw" will let you...
Let you say hi...
Are you serious?
You're gonna hit on me with a baby?
That's terrible. Boo!
- What's wrong with you?
- No, no, no, hey, I'm a free agent.
I'm not married.
And I wasn't hitting on you.
Okay, yeah, maybe I was
hitting on you. But...
Thank you.
To be honest,
you can't really walk around with that
face and not invite that kind of comment.
I'm sorry for saying that,
that was the first thing that came out.
I'm not usually this inarticulate or cheesy.
I'm a bit off my game. A bit off my game.
- Maybe a little bit.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, do you mind if we, you know,
he gets so excited when he sees a dog,
it's crazy.
Yeah, of course, it's fine.
Hey, buddy, do you want to see the doggy?
Great dog.
Yeah, he's actually my neighbor's dog.
I could never ever be responsible
for another living thing.
He's adorable.
Thanks, yeah, I think so.
Except for the nose.
He got mine, poor thing.
World of pain coming.
Really? I think you have a great nose.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, it's your ears I would worry about.
- Really...
- I'm just kidding.
What's wrong with your nose?
You know, it's just always
been a thing for me, like...
At certain angles, I really like
the way it looks, and others, it's like,
I don't know,
it's not quite symmetrical with my chin.
Wow, this is coming off very gay.
And I am straight, 100%.
You should know that.
Don't let the hair product fool you.
Oh, boy...
- Okay, so you're not married.
- No.
- You're not gay.
- No.
- And you have a baby.
- Yeah.
So you're divorced?
No. Never married.
So, did you knock up a Catholic girl, or...
No, she's not religious.
We're friends, and she really wanted a baby.
So, you know, this is my life now.
Half the time. We split custody.
- Wow. That's noble.
- Thank you.
- I'm Jason, by the way. I'm sorry.
- Maryjane.
Maryjane. That is a great name.
- I was named after shoes.
- It's a terrible name.
Just kidding. It's a good name.
It's a lovely name.
Sorry, do you wanna go get coffee
with me, by any chance?
Just a cup of coffee.
You are a pumpkin.
You are such a pumpkin.
- So what was wrong with him?
- Nothing. He couldn't have been nicer.
So just boring? Flatline?
He was a nice, pleasant guy.
Well, you got back out there,
and we're all real proud of you.
Thank you.
- Cherry popped.
- So to speak.
- Oh, I have some news.
- Oh, yeah?
Let me put him down,
and I can give you my full attention.
It is way past bedtime.
- Bye!
- Bye. Good night, buddy boy.
Okay, all right, I got you. Let's go.
Let's go.
- Bye.
- Say good night to Daddy.
- Say good night.
- Bye.
- I'll be right back.
I want to hear your news. - Okay.
Nothing, I...
I don't think this is so hard.
You know.
I mean, for me, it's been really...
Really great.
- You know?
- Well, maybe we just got a good one.
Yeah. Yeah. Maybe.
Well, we also have the advantage of...
We're not sleeping together,
and we're not attracted to each other,
so there's none of that sex stuff
to cloud the experience.
I mean, it'd be different if we were married
and I owed you something,
and every time I went out,
you resented the shit out of me,
and every time I commented
on how hot another woman is,
you thought I was an asshole,
or if I had to say you were back
at your old weight when you weren't.
All that stuff. We're lucky.
- This is clean. Simple. You know?
- Yes, yes.
So, I'm sorry, you said you had...
Thank you. You had news. What's your news?
Oh, right.
I think I met "the girl" today.
I'm serious.
That's so great. That's so great.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
Oh, babe. I was waiting for this to happen.
You were?
I mean, honey,
you can't share all that shit with someone
and not get confused, you know?
Right. I'm just confused. It's not like
I really want him or something, right?
- No, honey. Yeah, it's Jason. You know?
- I know.
Jason, who we've always found to be...
- Slightly effeminate.
...kind of gay.
- He's short for you.
- Yes. He's too short for me, right?
Yes, yes.
- You have never...
- He is too short for me, right?
...dated anyone near your height.
- Is that right?
Just because
it makes me feel big, you know?
Makes me feel like a linebacker, you know?
Like, I have to slouch.
You never go short, right?
You can't wear heels...
- You can't look up and...
- Yeah. Yeah. I know.
Plus he only likes hot girls with big tits.
He doesn't find me even remotely attractive.
Stop it. Stop that.
I got to tell you, you know what,
he's a pig when it comes to women.
I know.
This has got nothing to do with you.
This is a guy who is a terrific friend,
and he is a disaster romantically.
And plus, we just know each other too well,
you know?
He's like a brother.
- He's like an annoying dog of a brother.
- Right.
You don't want that.
You don't want your brother.
- Right. Of course not.
- Because that's... That's gross.
It is gross. And I don't want him.
- You don't, right? Yeah.
- I don't.
I just want someone.
You know, I just want somebody.
It's been a really long time.
I've never felt lonelier, you know.
This is good. Change is good.
I'm telling you,
I have at least four setups.
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay?
- One of which is promising.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- All right. And what about the other ones?
They're not as promising.
If you had any idea what it was like
to look at you wearing that thing...
I'm gonna head out.
It makes, like, boners shoot out of my eyes.
- I'm going on my date.
- Okay, bye, Jule.
Sorry about that, baby.
We're all men, right?
I mean, I showed up a man, I'm pretty sure.
And not for nothing, but it's like,
whose dick did you kiss to get
the company pen, you know what I mean?
- It's fine, it's fine.
- He sounds pretty upset.
No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine.
I'll be right back.
I got it. I'll be right in. Yes, I will.
I promise. Bye. I gotta go.
- Where do I...
- Go talk to your guy. Go talk to your guy.
Can I throw a grenade on him?
- No, because he's on your team.
- Right. How do I do that?
Follow, it's showing you. It's showing you.
I will do it. I will do it.
You are so terrible at this. You are so bad.
- Did you enjoy the show?
- Oh, my God, it was amazing!
That MJ's really something, huh.
Yeah, I had no idea
what a big deal this whole thing was.
She's so great.
Hey, Lewis, don't forget rehearsal tomorrow,
right? 7:00. She's right this way.
- You decent?
- Yeah.
Someone's here to see you.
- In here?
- In here.
Hey. Oh, my God, thank you very much.
Hi. Thanks so much.
Is this okay that I come back here?
- Yeah, of course.
- Oh, my God.
Well, she's an amazing dancer,
so you can imagine how flexible she is.
She literally does this position
where her legs go behind her...
I don't even know how it's done.
I don't understand how it's possible.
Dancers are usually lithe and boyish, so...
Okay, well,
get ready because here's the amazing thing.
She is a skinny, flexible dancer,
with a big rack.
I mean, what are the odds?
- What are the odds?
- Wow, that is so great.
- I know.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Is she nice?
Does she have any sort of personality?
Oh, the body is just the gravy.
She is so cool and smart and talented,
and she doesn't want kids.
She's amazing, you're gonna love her.
- I can't wait for you to meet her.
- Yeah, me, too.
- What was that?
- What?
- Are you not okay with this?
- What?
I don't know. You just seem
so unsupportive. That's so unlike you.
Oh, no, no, no. She sounds...
She sounds great.
She is. I can't wait for you to meet her.
Me, too. Me, too.
I gotta go. I'm late. So have a great night.
- Hey, hey, hey, where you going?
- Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I'm going home.
No, no, no, no.
- I'm just not feeling my sparkliest.
- Listen to me! Pull it together.
Right now, all right? Because this is it.
That guy over there,
is the Holy fucking Grail.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
What's the catch?
There's no catch. Great guy, great dad,
very successful contractor.
He just got divorced, that was in March, so
I've sort ofjust been giving it time to settle,
you know, because you only get one shot
at a first impression.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my God! So sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Are you all right?
We're so sorry.
No, that was me. That was...
I lost my footing, and then,
I bumped into my friend Julie, here...
- We were looking at the tree...
- And then slammed into me.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, it is my fault.
I'm very clumsy.
Are you guys completely hammered already,
or what's going on?
- We're not drunk. Not yet.
- No.
I'm like an elephant in a china shop.
Bull in a china shop.
Anyhow, I am Kurt. And you are?
- Julie.
- I'm Julie.
Like she said.
- Okay, okay.
- Is everything okay?
Yeah, just a second...
Okay, well, I actually have to be
at the theater at like 7:00.
- Okay.
- So, I'm probably gonna head out...
- Wow...
- How's it going?
That... That's...
It's okay.
- Okay, you know what, I'll see you later.
- Yeah, yeah.
I have the whole night
just like later on after this.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Bye.
- How about a kiss. Just kidding.
So, what do you do?
When you're not busy
crashing elementary school functions.
Basically, I help this really rich guy
decide who to give his money to.
Wall Street guy, looking to
clear his conscience kind of thing?
Something like that, yeah. Nice guy, though.
- You know, ish.
- Ish.
Oh, God...
What is it?
Nothing, I really just haven't had
anything like...
Like this happening for me, so...
So, I just... You're very... You know...
- You're not so bad yourself.
- Oh, no, no.
I mean, I can put myself together, but...
I just have good hair, you know.
Put myself together and good hair,
two things.
Oh, come on,
just hop in a cab and come back.
You know what? We have Sunday, right?
And I think that we should
just stick with that
instead of ruining it
with all of these almosts, okay?
Look, I feel like a fucking teenager
when I'm at your baby mama's apartment.
- Well, she's dating right now
so I have to... - No, I know.
You guys are super progressive
and cool and all of that shit,
and I love it, it's great, but I just
don't need to know the ins and the outs of it.
Okay, well...
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Babe, I have to go.
We are going to a gig downtown.
So I'm gonna talk to you later, okay?
Okay, well maybe I can meet you... Hello?
Nobody ever came close?
Oh, no. I had this epic nine year thing
from college with this guy Andy,
but it ended,
I don't know. Just not much of note since.
- I'm surprised.
- Oh, well.
I don't get how people meet people
if it isn't through college or work.
Anyway, so how about you.
How did you meet your wife?
- College. Yep.
- Right.
- What could go wrong?
- Yeah.
What did?
You know, nothing really.
There's no big story there.
We just fell out of love.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
We had been going through the motions
for years, for the kids,
and it just seemed like a crazy way
to spend your life, I mean,
- we're not dead yet.
- Right.
So look, this is me.
So I can either call you a car,
or maybe you want to come up for a drink,
in a real glass.
I would love to, but I should go home.
- You know...
- Yeah.
- I have a baby.
- Okay.
- But there's no guy.
- Great.
I mean, there's a guy, but he's not my guy.
I mean, he's a friend guy,
but I'm totally unattached.
- Even better.
- Except for my kid.
- Yeah, of course.
- Are you sure you still want to...
Wow, do you always talk this much?
Maybe. Sorry.
- Morning, Gord.
- Morning.
It's a great day, isn't it?
Oh, my God.
Wow. Someone got lucky.
You have no idea.
- Is he asleep?
- Yeah.
This guy is amazing.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, who knew there were men like this
out there in the world?
- Really?
- He's like, he's a man.
He's like a real, grown-up man.
So the exercises paid off.
The what?
Oh, yes, I think so.
I think it was pretty tight.
- Wow, and you were so worried.
- I know, I know, I mean...
Thank you. He's so big, it could be that
that just canceled out any looseness.
I mean, the last guy I had sex with was you
and this was like a quantum leap size-wise,
so I think it might end up being
the same tightness overall.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I didn't mean it that way.
No, you were totally perfectly
in proportion to your height.
Kurt's really tall, so...
- Kurt, huh?
- Yeah.
Is he a Nazi? Nazi basketball player?
- What?
- Nothing.
Oh, thank you for asking
about my night, by the way.
- Joe had explosive diarrhea.
- Oh, no.
I scrubbed everything with bleach,
even the baseboards,
I did laundry,
and I waited up for you to come home,
so I could go see my girlfriend,
but I never heard from you
because you were fucking Dirk Diggler.
- So...
- Wait a second.
I'm sorry.
- I thought I had your blessing.
- You do.
You always said if I was on a date
and it was going well, to just go for it.
- That's what we...
- Yeah, no, that's great.
That's perfect.
A call or a text would have been nice,
but I'm incredibly relieved to know
your pussy is still tight.
So, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go shower, change,
and try and reclaim a small shred of
my masculinity before going to work.
To try and sell beer.
- So, you're on duty tonight.
- Okay.
- All night!
- Okay.
Ski trip! Leave in 20.
- You do not sound excited.
- I'm excited!
No, we're good. We're gonna get
on the road in 15, 20 at the most,
which basically means 45 minutes.
I'm doing only slightly better myself.
Honey, did you find the sled yet?
I did everything you asked!
Thank you.
Oh, my God, I've been getting
really excited about this trip.
- I think it's gonna be fun.
- Do you think it's too soon?
What? With Kurt?
Yeah, I mean, meeting the friends,
and Jason and dancer girl with the tits.
Is this a terrible idea?
Stop it, it's a great idea.
Kurt gets it, he's got kids.
- Hey.
- Oh, there's Jason.
I should go. I'll call you from the road.
I love you.
- Okay, babe, love you.
- Bye.
Hey, thank you. Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
Hey, buddy, how you doing? Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
I'll get it. Hello?
- Sorry, I must have pressed the wrong...
- Oh, no, no, no.
No, that's me. Hey, Kurt, it's me.
That's just Jason, my friend.
My baby... Joe's dad, that's just Joe's dad.
Come on up.
So, are you guys all packed?
Oh, no, not quite. MJ's still in bed.
We had a pretty late night.
Well, do you want us to wait for you guys,
we have room for...
No, we rented a car.
Thought it would be more romantic
to take our time, stop along the way.
Never been on a road trip together.
Right. Right. Of course.
- Well, I better get going.
- Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah.
- Here you go.
- Okay, bud.
Okay, bud.
- All right, I got you.
- All right.
All right, well, have a great drive.
- We'll see you up there.
- Thank you.
Wow, you must be Kurt.
- Yeah, yeah. Hey, babe.
- Hi.
Boy, you were not kidding.
You are one extremely handsome
German man.
I'm actually from Long Island,
but, how are you?
Right. I'm Jason. This is my son.
- Hey, buddy.
- They know each other.
- Take it up top. Take it up top.
- Who's that? Who's that?
That hurts!
Oh, come here, you.
- Oh, I got you. I got you.
- You want Kurt? You want Kurt?
- Hey, buddy, good to see you again. Yeah.
- I know. I know.
- Hi.
- Hey, how are you?
I'm good. Oh, it's your best friend!
It's your best friend!
- What have I got in here?
- What did you bring?
Look at that treat. Check that out.
- Look at that.
- That's yummy.
That's so nice of you.
You know what, we don't actually
allow sweets this early in the day.
Oh, you know what,
but this is actually the fake stuff, carob.
It just looks like chocolate.
The good thing is, he won't notice
the difference for another two years.
I hope that's okay.
Yeah, that's fine.
You gonna carry the boots, Cole?
Pretty great, huh? What do you think, bud?
- I'm moving in. Don't tell Alex.
- I want to stay forever. Can we?
Oh, my God, look, look, look.
We're gonna put it right over there.
Don't get too close to that fire.
Do you see that?
Seriously, look at all the men.
I'm happy with all the accessories.
And then look at him.
- I know.
- Ready?
But he did that!
Reinforcements flying in.
Oh, my God. Miss, you want some... Sorry!
- Hey, everybody!
- Do you wanna top up?
- Hey!
- This is MJ.
- Good God, hello.
- This is Alex right here. MJ.
- Alex. MJ.
- Hi, I'm Alex.
- Hi, Alex. How are you?
- How are you?
- Good, nice to meet you.
- Holy God.
- Hey, man.
- Well done.
- I'm sorry about my husband. I'm Leslie.
- Hi. It's okay. Hi. How are you?
That was good help, buddy,
thank you very much.
- Did you meet MJ?
- Yeah, we just met.
- Hey, did you meet MJ?
- I did. I met her.
Good. Did you meet everybody?
Hi, I'm Ben.
That's Ben over there.
Hi, I'm Julie.
- Hi, I'm MJ.
- Sorry, this is Julie.
This is Julie, and this is MJ.
- Nice to meet you finally.
- Of course. I've heard so much about you,
I feel like I know you. I have two
of your thongs in my apartment.
I washed them.
- Night, you guys.
- Night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just didn't know what you were thinking,
if you wanted him in your room
or ours tonight.
Can you do me a favor
and keep him with you guys tonight?
It's just, she makes a lot of noise
and between that and the positions
that we do,
I just don't want to scare him, you know?
Right. Right. Okay.
Well, sometimes we can be loud, too.
Okay, all right, great.
We'll take him tonight then.
- Great, you're the best.
- Okay.
Good night, buddy.
- Have fun.
- Thanks a lot.
Aneurysm or cancer?
- I'm sorry, what?
- Which would you choose?
- Neither.
- No, it's a game. You have to choose.
Which would you rather?
Think about it, aneurysm, it goes fast,
you don't even know it's happening,
which is nice, but cancer,
you get to prepare, say your goodbyes,
maybe write a memoir, so...
Okay, all right, in that case,
I would go with cancer.
Right? Because with early detection
and vigilance...
No, no, no. You don't get it,
you don't get it. You're dying!
Right? Either way you're dying.
Okay, got it.
Why am I dying? Why is this fun?
Forget it.
Look, if you want to talk about these
terribly depressing things, I'm totally game.
All right?
I don't want to ruin your holiday, so...
How about waterboarding,
how do you feel about that?
That's good and depressing.
For the record, I'm against it,
but it is depressing.
I'm just tired.
You don't have to do anything.
All right, sorry.
You like this?
- You want this?
- Thank you.
Yeah, give everybody the food...
Oh, we lost one!
You have to eat.
- Honey, please.
- MJ, I should warn you, we're pretty good.
We used to have a ski share every winter,
so just try and keep up.
I'm probably going to be boarding
just because I'm not 100, so...
Oh, my God.
Stop it. Stop it.
Hey, are you sure this is okay?
I can do a half day,
- come back at 1:00 if you want?
- No, no, no, I'll ski tomorrow. It's fine.
- You sure?
- Yeah, it's fine.
Let's go, if you're skiing. Cars are
loaded up, grab your stuff, let's go.
Hey, Kurt, you in or out, buddy?
You know, I think I'm gonna stick around,
go tomorrow with Jule.
Besides, it looks like these guys
could use a little bit of a hand here.
Oh, God.
- Just take him, please.
- Of course, of course. I got him.
Are you okay, sweetie?
- I'm sorry, is it something I said, or...
- Don't ask.
Let's go!
- There's no line.
- Yeah, we'll catch up.
So how 'bout the whole
Ben and Missy of it all?
- Jesus. How 'bout just the Ben of it all?
- Right?
- That is one long, bad mood.
- Yeah, no shit.
- Kurt seems like a nice guy, though.
- Yeah. As long as Jule's happy.
MJ's great.
Dude, you have no idea.
I have never, ever had sex like this before.
No, it's crazy.
- I mean, like, I'm sore from overuse.
- Whoa, dude...
It's like hurting me just to stand here.
Seriously, a little sensitivity
for the have-nots, please.
Sorry. What, you guys
aren't really back in the saddle?
No. No, sir.
It's kind of hard to hit it when you have
two kids asleep and drooling on you.
So, what are we talking? Like once a...
- Once a month, is what we're talking.
- What?
Maybe twice a month,
maybe it's not that bad.
- More when the grandparents visit.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
- Oh, my God.
- I am so sorry, man. I had no idea.
- It's fine. It's fine. It's...
I feel like we're over the worst of it.
I've made my peace with it.
Come on! You coming? Let's go!
Let's do this.
You look beautiful, by the way.
Oh, my goodness, wow. Hi.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
I might need a moment to myself here
to think about your face and your body.
- Go masturbate.
- Okay...
Speaking of masturbating,
who wants some chicken?
- I do.
- I just love that...
Guys, guys, just before we all start eating.
I just wanted to say
how glad I am that we're all here.
You know, old friends and new.
It makes me happy, nice to meet you,
young lady.
And Kurt, if things don't work out
with you and Jule,
I just want you to know that
we would like you to live with us.
- Just help us raise our kids.
- Please.
I just want a role model
for my young boy, so...
But seriously, I did actually
want to make a little toast,
so if we can just raise our glasses.
To Jase and Jule.
That's right. I gotta hand it to you guys,
a year ago not everyone thought that
this little arrangement was gonna work out.
But... There was talk
that it might end in tears,
and lawsuits,
and possibly some broken bones,
maybe child services being called.
But it has been...
It has been really impressive to watch.
Wow, thanks, Al.
- That's lovely.
- We're proud of you.
- So cheers.
- Thanks, man.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Al.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
- Love you guys.
- Cheers. Cheers.
- That was really sweet.
- You're really sweet, baby.
So, I'm curious,
whose idea was this anyhow?
- It was his.
- Hers.
- It was yours.
- It was mine?
- Yes.
- You're right.
She paid me $200,000
just so she could, like,
get involved with this gene pool.
No, it was kind of mutual. Right? I mean...
Both wanted a kid,
and we hadn't met our people,
so we just decided to do it.
The truth is they just didn't want
to end up like us.
I wonder why...
- Honey, don't you think you've had enough?
- No, I think I'm fine. Thank you.
- This food is amazing!
- It is good!
It's so moist.
- What is that sauce, is that mushrooms?
- It's amazing.
I threw mushrooms in there.
So, have you guys thought about what
you're gonna tell Joe when he gets older?
I mean, I'm sure you're going to have
to deal with some of the same issues
- that I'm dealing with right now.
- What do you mean?
How do you explain to your kids
that their parents
want to be with other people,
and all of the sort of
conflicting theories on that.
I probably don't need to tell you, you
probably already did exhaustive research
on how it's gonna affect him, and the
right way to handle it, and all that.
Yeah, no, I mean we definitely
read all the books, and articles and...
Blogs, and... You know.
- On all the various... I mean...
- Right.
- I mean, we definitely...
- We got into it.
- All over the place.
- Yeah, 'cause when you're dealing
with something as important
as bringing a child into the world,
you might want to have
a few key discussions, you know?
Maybe sign a legal document or something?
No, this way was more of a "Let's just
roll the dice and see what happens," right?
It's just a life.
Yeah, but the proof is in the pudding.
I mean, he's a great kid.
- He is a great kid.
- Yeah.
- He's a great kid.
- And funny.
The kid's got shtick,
already got shtick, this kid.
Yeah, we think he's pretty great, Ben.
But do any parents ever say
that their kid's not great?
I mean, that's like really taboo.
They'd probably revoke
your parenting license or something.
What about you, Maryjane,
do you want to have kids?
Oh, God, no!
I mean, it's amazing for you guys,
and you're all doing such a good job,
and you're happy, and it makes sense,
but I'm like a gypsy.
I do eight shows a week and I'm never home,
and I have to be able to leave town
on a moment's notice.
And, honestly, I've just never had the urge.
And I really enjoy my freedom, so...
- She does.
- I do.
- You like your freedom.
- I like it.
You know, some people
just aren't meant to be parents.
Look, none of us really
ever thinks we're doing a perfect job.
- Right.
- God, yeah.
But it's just par for the course.
That's the gig.
But then you have those moments,
you come home from work,
you open the door, your kid runs in
and gives you a big hug,
and it's kind of game over, right?
And that's kind of the whole thing
right there, you know.
But how are you two gonna deal with this?
I mean, if all this awesomeness continues.
You know what, I feel like there are so many
unconventional parenting situations,
I mean, Cole came home the other day
and asked why his friend Bobby
had two moms.
- Not everybody is the same.
- Right.
Well, look, I know for my part,
I'm not gonna introduce Jule to my kids
until I'm certain
we're fully committed to one another.
It'll be too confusing for them
if they see their dad
with a different woman
every couple of months.
- Sure. No, that makes sense.
- Yeah.
Jase, you're fucked.
What are you going to do?
This is the longest
relationship he's been in.
And what is it, seven weeks old?
How old is it?
Okay, all right.
You know what, Benny?
I don't know if you've noticed,
but I have never been happier, so...
People change, you know?
God knows you have. What is that,
your sixth scotch? Is that what's going on?
No, this is not booze...
This is not booze talking.
I'm just trying to set it straight,
put it out there,
because I think our friend Kurt here has
actually raised some very good questions.
I mean, seriously,
you guys didn't think any of this through.
You made a totally irresponsible decision
about a kid!
And, yeah, Joe is fine now. He's one!
But do you really think
he's going to be okay later
when he finds out that his parents
never loved each other?
Even when they had him?
That it was just some, like, arrangement,
so they could have sex with hotter people!
Do you really think you of all people
should be doling out parenting advice?
You really think Troy's doing great
being around two people
that fucking hate each other?
- Hey, hey, hey, guys...
- I'm being serious!
It's a nice night,
let's just have New Year's...
You know, why don't we just dial it down
a notch? I mean, it's a ski trip!
No, no, no, you know what?
You know what? I'm not finished.
You think that I haven't
thought this through?
You think that we don't love each other?
You know, I've loved this girl
for 19 years, Ben.
That is fully half of my life.
I know everything
there is to know about her.
I know the mood she's in
when she wakes up in the morning.
Always happy, ready for the day,
can you imagine?
I know that she's honest,
she won't even take the little
shampoo bottles from the hotel room,
or sneak into the movie theater
for a double feature.
She always buys a second ticket, always.
I know that we have the same values,
we have the same taste,
we have the same sense of humor.
I know that we both think that organized
religion is completely full of shit.
I know that if she is ever paralyzed
from the neck down,
she would like me to unplug her, and I will.
I know her position on just about
everything, and I am on board!
I am on board with everything about her.
So you tell me, Ben!
What better woman could I have picked
to be the mother of my child?
What more responsible choice
could I have made?
You tell me!
Fucking prick!
Seriously, so whatever happens,
whatever the fuck happens,
this year, or next year, or whenever,
we're gonna be fine.
You always want to find some way
to stay above the fray, right?
Have your cake and eat it, too.
Well, guess what?
If you think that you and Jule
are gonna be BFFs for life,
- and that Titty McTittenheimer...
- Hey!
...greatest fuck in your life...
- Hey!
And "Oh, my God, she snowboards,"
is not gonna make you bored as shit
one day, then you are fucking wrong!
I mean, Missy and I used to have sex
in the bathroom of the train
because we couldn't wait to get home.
She gave me a fucking blowjob
on the Taconic!
Now look at us!
But good luck to you guys.
I can't wait to see how it all turns out.
Sweetie, are you...
Hey, it's okay.
Hey, babe, what's up? You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- You sure?
You look a little...
Sorry, no. It's just stuff.
Okay, so, Maryjane,
this is my father and my mother.
- Hi. How are you?
- I'm Marcy.
- Marcy, it's so nice to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you.
- That's my dad.
- Hi, Phil. How are you?
- You were stunning. Absolutely stunning.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, good morning.
They look beautiful.
Mom, I'm gonna go.
- You look beautiful.
- Thanks.
Are you certain this is okay?
Are you okay with him?
Are you kidding? I live for this.
I just wish you'd ask me more often.
I'm sorry. I didn't know that.
See, that's my baby.
Your momma is my baby.
Okay, gorgeous boy,
let's go get you dressed.
All right, sweetheart. I love you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Love you.
Thanks, Mom.
- Hi.
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
- Wow, you look great.
Where is everybody?
I thought I'd be the last.
You are.
- What?
- It's just us.
- Your table is ready.
- Thank you.
Don't tell me everybody's
sitter crapped out.
- Yeah, something like that.
- I'm sorry, doll, that sucks.
- Thank you. It's all right.
- Thanks.
Well, where's Kurt?
Kurt is not coming.
Oh, shit. You guys have a fight?
I don't understand, so what's wrong?
Nothing. Nothing. Kurt is...
Yes. It's annoying.
- He wants me to meet his kids this weekend.
- Oh, yeah?
Wow, that's big. You ready for it?
Doll, what is it?
You seem weird, or sad, or something.
Kurt is
the nicest,
most caring man I have ever dated.
Seems to have it all.
Several notches above Andy
on his best day.
And for some strange reason,
he seems genuinely into me.
He adores you, it's obvious.
But all I do when I'm with him
is think about you.
I didn't invite Kurt or anyone here tonight
because I just wanted to be with family.
You're my family.
You and Joe. Just you and Joe.
Not my mom, not even Leslie.
Just you guys.
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do.
Oh, honey...
Hey, hey, hey.
It's okay. It's okay.
Hey, hey, hey, Jule, Jule...
I don't know
when you started the cocktails...
I'm not drunk.
I'm not drunk.
Well, I'm with Maryjane.
I know, but you and I both know
that's gonna burn out soon.
She's moving in with me.
But all those things that you said
at the cabin, you said...
Yeah, I meant all of them.
Jule, I love you so much.
As a friend.
You're my best friend.
You're my best friend.
I'm just not attracted to you...
Like that.
I mean, God knows you're attractive,
you are beautiful.
I'm just...
See, I thought you felt the same way.
"Feel the ground, ants running round.
"Feel the ground,
you scratched little feet."
You know, leaving a rent-stabilized
apartment in Manhattan
is considered a cry for
help in many circles.
Brooklyn, huh?
Never thought that day would come.
That's two cards. Just so you know.
PS 687 is the best public pre-school.
And you know I can't afford
half of 20K a year for private.
I don't work in advertising.
You know I'd pay for school.
I've always said that.
No, that's not the arrangement.
Everything down the middle, right? Even.
So you get to take him away from me?
- Three trains or a $70 cab ride?
That's even? - Please don't do this.
You can see him whenever you want,
as much as you want.
I just can't be close to you anymore.
- Where do you want this, hon?
- Right there is fine. Thanks.
Babe, you want a latte?
No, no, I'm on a cleanse.
I have to drop five by Friday.
A one, a two...
Wait, wait. Hold my hand.
That's what you need.
You need a guy like Jim.
That is true.
Wait a minute, I just got him.
Don't take him away.
You make the rest of us look bad.
Is it burning?
It's not burning? Okay.
- And what about...
- I don't want ketchup!
Is the ketchup
inside your nostril still burning, Milo?
- It's wet.
- Who made it wet?
- Whose big idea was that?
- Stop it. You guys.
You guys, I mean it. No, no, no.
We're doing so well.
Why would you wanna bring your kids
to a place like this?
People are fucking crazy.
- Yeah.
- Good job.
Please, please, please don't.
Okay, thank you very much.
- Hi.
- Your kids are adorable.
Thank you. We thought we'd try.
See how far we get.
It's my husband's birthday.
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
- How old are they?
- She is seven, and the twins are five.
I have a boy.
He's gonna be two in a few months.
Oh, God. Get ready.
Actually, now I miss twos.
All right, you guys, listen.
Those nice people next to us,
they don't want French fries flying
into their plates, okay?
So if you eat everything,
and if you eat nicely,
we can have ice cream for dessert.
Hey, he's ready. I'll go get him.
- Hey, did you hear? They're closing
Ollie's. - No, I hadn't.
End of an era.
- Let me... I'll go grab him.
- Okay.
Sweetie, your dad's here.
Hi! Oh, my goodness, you're gorgeous.
- Hi. So happy to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
We were just drinking heavily by ourselves.
- Thank you for saving us.
- Heavily. That's the best.
- That's even worse.
- I don't know whose it is.
It just comes out sometimes.
- Thanks for coming out, man.
- Yeah, sure.
- It's been a while.
- Yes, it has.
I just wanted to apologize in person,
by the way.
For being such a profound asshole
up in Vermont.
I was in a really bad place, man.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you. Thanks.
Yeah, that wasn't great.
But you know what? You were right.
About pretty much everything.
Yeah, Alex told me about MJ.
Sorry about that.
Oh, no, that's fine.
It's everything else that really sucks.
Yeah, I heard about that, too.
It's amazing how fleeting it is, you know?
That thing, whatever it is.
Being into someone new.
Yes, I've had a few
one-night versions of that
over the last six months.
Not that I'm particularly proud of, but...
No, it's crazy. It's like one day,
they're the hottest thing on two legs,
and then the next,
they just look ugly to you.
That's why you stay with someone
you want to be with
under the worst possible circumstances.
That's what Missy and I didn't have.
When things were great, we were great.
As soon as things got hard,
we didn't want to be
anywhere near each other.
I had a really dirty dream about her.
MJ? I had like 10. Dude...
No. Dude, Julie.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I don't know. I'm... You know.
It's like... Fucking Jesus.
So why didn't you guys ever even try
being together?
I mean, after Andy was out of the picture,
you were right there.
I don't know, man.
Just too much familiarity, you know?
Nothing surprising.
It's like she's one of
my limbs or something.
Like she's part of my body, you know?
And that's bad because...
Hi, buddy. Hi, buddy.
- Did you have fun?
- Yeah.
Did you save any pizza for me?
No pizza for me. No pizza for me.
All right, listen, it's bedtime.
We should say good night to your dad.
It's way past your bedtime.
Wait. I just...
I know the big birthday is next week,
and I just...
You never opened your gift from last year,
so I just wanted to get it to you
under the wire.
That's nice. I don't need any gifts.
No, just take it. You know.
Throw it away if you want.
Open it! Open it!
- No, I don't really...
- Open it, Mommy!
No, sweetie, I'll just...
Thanks for taking him tonight.
I had a really rough deadline.
- Sure.
- Daddy, stay!
Daddy, stay!
- Okay, sweetie, we're gonna go to bed.
- Daddy, open present.
- That's okay.
- Stay and open present, Daddy!
You know what? This is what we'll do.
We'll open the present real fast
as long as you promise
to go right to bed, okay?
- You promise to go right to bed.
- I want Daddy to put me to bed!
- No, that's okay, buddy.
- I want Daddy to put me to bed!
Daddy, stay!
Okay, all right, you know what?
We'll both put you to bed,
and then we'll open the present,
and then you're going to go to sleep
real quick, okay?
- Okay.
- Daddy, stay!
Here we go.
Come on in.
- Sorry, it's kind of a mess.
- Oh, no, it's great.
Wow, you get square footage
in Brooklyn, huh?
Yeah, we like it.
Okay, you're going to open it really fast?
Are you gonna rip it open?
- Yeah.
- You're gonna rip it open?
- Real fast.
- Okay.
It's right through here.
Okay, bud, let's get you in your PJs,
and then we'll open the present, okay?
That's our deal, right?
Let's get you your PJs, okay?
- PJs?
- Top left.
Good job. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Ready for rocket ship? Here you go.
These don't fit that well, huh?
I guess you're getting big.
- Yeah, I guess. - Here, let's
pull your arm right through here.
There we go.
- I do it.
- You wanna do it?
We gotta get your shoes off.
Let's put you in the bed. Real quick.
One foot. Other foot.
All right, there we go.
So now, let's open this present.
- You wanna tear it open?
- Sure.
Okay, let's rip it. Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Joe power!
How did you do that so fast?
- Oh, my God.
- What is this?
- What's that?
- A video.
What is it, huh? You wanna look?
You wanna open it, sweetie?
Oh, God. Well, that's just mean.
- Who's that?
- You wanna know who this is?
That's Mommy, and that's Daddy.
Can you believe that?
Looking really, really dorky.
- That's Mommy and Daddy.
- That's just terrible. Terrible hair.
But anyway...
That was before your time.
We went on a really fun trip.
- And that's you.
- Wait. Wait.
Look at this.
That was you.
- That was you in Mommy's tummy.
- You were in that tummy.
- Inside the tummy.
- Right there. That was you.
- Can you imagine?
- There, see. See how fat I look.
Mommy looks beautiful.
That was my favorite.
Okay. Okay, that's enough.
Right? We made a deal, buddy, right?
Let's get you to bed.
Let's get you to bed.
All right, sweetheart. All right.
Let's take these pillows off.
I know. I know. Let's get your pillow.
Let's get you cozy.
I want Daddy to sleep at our house.
Why doesn't Daddy sleep
in our house?
Well, Daddy sleeps in his house,
and you know what?
- What?
- You get two houses to sleep in
because you're the most special ever,
and only really special people get
two houses to sleep in.
I wish I could sleep at your house, bud.
What are you doing?
I want to stay in your house.
Okay, sweetie. I love you so much.
Good night, okay.
Okay, buddy, good night.
- I love you. Okay.
- Love you, too.
- Hey.
- What the hell was that about?
- You want to tell me what that was about?
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- You can't say shit like that to a kid.
- You understand that?
- I know. I'm sorry.
I just...
You know, I didn't want him to...
I want...
Please don't do that.
- Please don't do that.
- I'm sorry.
Look, I don't know
where all this is coming from.
I'm sorry if you're feeling lonely,
or guilty, or whatever it is you're feeling,
but, look, you can't come into my house
and say all this confusing shit to a
two-and-a-half-year-old. You just can't.
- I know.
- Jase, I'm finally in a good place, okay?
I'm not angry at you. I'm not pining
for you. I'm dating a lot. I'm good.
So just... You should go home.
Okay, I...
You can get out this way. Please.
- What do you want?
- Slow painful death by disease.
- What?
- I'd like to revise my earlier answer.
- Okay, it's freezing, and I have no idea...
- I said that I would rather live
and watch the love of my life
die a slow painful death by disease
than myself die
a slow painful death by disease.
I don't feel that way anymore.
Because the thing is when I said that, I...
I'd never had a love of my life, okay?
I mean, I didn't know I did.
I was just too fucking stupid to realize it.
And it's not because I'm lonely,
or desperate, or whatever else you think.
It's because I realized
that we got it all wrong.
- Excuse me?
- Both of us.
I'm sorry. You're gonna really
come back here and tell me...
We had this great plan
that we would raise a kid together,
so we could still have
the romantic part, right?
But you see,
this was the romantic part.
Everything we had was the romantic part.
Everything else was just filler.
What am I supposed to do with that?
I mean, really, what am I supposed
to do with that?
Just come in here
and say all that great stuff.
And I'm just supposed
to believe you all of a sudden?
I mean, after everything
that we've been through?
- I know what I've said.
- After everything you said...
I know what I said that night,
and all I can say is I...
It was just too much, okay?
I wasn't ready.
Look, I know my timing sucks, but...
You're the love of my life, Jule.
You're my person, and...
That's just the way it is.
I miss you so much.
Don't you miss me at all?
Even a little?
- I miss you a little.
- Yeah?
But see, I'm not just gonna be with someone
who's not into me.
- Does that feel like not into you?
- No.
'Cause right now
I just really want to have sex with you.
I wanna fuck the shit out of you.
Please, please, just let me
fuck the shit out of you right now.
And if you're not convinced afterwards
that I am into you
in every possible way
a person can be into another person,
then I promise I will never try to kiss you,
or fuck you,
or impregnate you ever again,
as long as I live. I swear to God.
What do you say?
I say...
Fuck the shit out of me.