Frightmare (1983) Movie Script
1
[light synth music]
[wind howling in the distance]
[thunder crackling]
[spooky atmospheric music]
[thunder crackling]
[thunder crashing]
[woman screaming]
Cut it, out it, cut it!
Goddamn it!
[background chatter]
You've done this take 18 times.
You've missed your mark
three times in a row.
What is your problem, man?
It is you who are inept, sir, not me.
Glass?
Cigarette.
You're not only talking to a horror star,
but an eminent actor.
I've played Julius Cesar on
Broadway before you were born.
I did Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw
on the London stage before you were
a gleam in your daddy's eye.
I better not get excited,
my blood pressure pills.
Please spare us the
heart attack, Conrad.
I don't give a shit what
you did 40 years ago.
All I'm interested in is whether or not
you can do a commercial today.
Why don't you get Orson Welles?
Or Larry Olivier?
Sir Laurence to you.
I wish to god I had,
because you certainly
weren't my choice, Conrad.
Aw, crap.
Let's take a break.
Take 10 minutes.
Take 20 minutes!
What's the difference?
[thunder crashing]
Stock.
[ominous atmospheric music]
[screaming]
[body thudding]
[Man] He's dead.
Take 19.
[sirens in the distance]
Did you see the accident, sir?
Back to the mansion.
Can't use it.
[crowd chattering]
[ominous orchestral music]
Ah, now I can live in peace
like all other men.
[audience applauding]
Thank you.
On behalf of the City
College Cinema Department,
and my students in the film society,
[audience applauding]
And now, without further delay,
allow me to introduce the man
we've all been dying to meet.
The last of the great
giants of the horror cinema.
It's my great honor to
introduce Mr. Conrad Razkoff!
[audience applauding]
[crowd cheering]
[fingers snapping]
Ladies and gentlemen, dear
friends, Professor Marcus.
I thank you from the bottom
of my heart for inviting me.
The honor of being here is
entirely, entirely my own.
You know, I thought that
the world had forgotten me
a little, and I felt bitter
and a little disappointed
and sick at heart.
[eerie electronic music]
[crowd murmuring]
[Man] What's going on?
I would like to say,
I would like to--
[group chattering]
[Woman] Oh my God.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[blowing]
Are you okay?
What's your name?
Meg.
[dog barking]
[eerie atmospheric music]
I am getting ready to die.
I have so much to do, Etta.
I have never died before.
And I want to do it right.
Go and get Wolfgang.
Quick.
Conrad, my old friend.
Stop acting.
Do your job as a director.
Is everything ready?
Yes, everything,
You better do a good
job or you're fired.
[laughing]
Especially at the funeral.
I want it to be magnificent.
It's my last performance,
and I want an Oscar.
Do you understand?
I want to die like a star.
[choking]
Conrad!
Conrad.
[eerie atmospheric music]
Dead?
Really dead?
Yes, Conrad, I will direct your funeral,
your last performance,
just as I directed all of the others.
You always said a red
carnation is your signature.
There, perfect.
You are dressed for your
greatest role, death.
All my life I wanted to tell you off.
Now I can.
The world is at last rid of
you, and I am rid of you too.
In pace requiescat.
When I found you, you were nothing
but a second-rate waiter.
I gave you your first part and your last.
You made millions and I got dreck.
Without me, you would be nothing.
Goodnight, sweet prince of ham.
Go to hell.
Go straight--
[intense orchestral music]
[choking]
Take 20.
[thunder crashing]
[grunting]
[discordant organ music]
[grunting]
[Announcer] The great
Conrad Razkoff is dead.
And he will not allow his remains
to be cremated because he claims he
is coming back from the dead.
Conrad Razkoff lived like a movie star,
and he was buried like
one too in a monument
that is a fitting memorial
to his $1 million.
Unfortunately, his old
director, Brad Wolfgang Habner
suffered a fatal heart
attack, and never lived
to see this day.
[bells ringing]
[church choir singing]
[Etta] Goodbye, my love.
Thank you, my friends,
for coming to my funeral.
I'm appearing before you
today in a pre-recorded tape,
one of many I did before
my untimely demise.
You see, I didn't want anyone but me
to star at my own funeral.
Afterwards, please be me
guests back at the mansion.
Eat your fill of caviar.
And enjoy a cool glass of champagne.
Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to me.
I hope you won't find the
mausoleum in bad taste.
The board of cemetery
directors objected at first,
but then they decided I
was a tourist attraction.
[laughing]
You see, a star in life
is a star in death.
Remember, every time you
see one of my films on TV,
you're not only watching
me, but I am watching you.
[voice echoing]
[laughing]
[crowd applauding]
Bravo.
[whistling and cheering]
[bells ringing]
It was a movie funeral.
It was downright unforgettable.
Hundreds of mourners,
flowers filling the chapel
Conrad gave his own farewell
sermon from a TV screen.
Conrad's widow, Etta
Razkoff obviously there,
pushing away the curious, those
that came for a last glimpse
of this great actor.
As the funeral procession left the chapel
and headed toward the great mausoleum,
the mausoleum something else.
It loomed above the other
gravestone, 100 feet long,
solid granite.
A neon star twinkling
with the name Razkoff.
[suspenseful electronic music]
[Oscar] Hey, what are you up to, man?
[Meg] Yeah.
Are you stoned or just
getting weird on us'?
You'll find out.
[car doors closing]
You know, the whole funeral
was just like another scene
in one of his flicks.
I mean, I could see him get up
in those supreme deluxe tails
of his and just go wandering around
the streets of Hollyweird
looking to suck some blood,
hmm?
[laughing]
Mmm.
All I'll find around here
are a lot of tacky hookers.
[Man] Say cheese, huh?
[horn honking]
He lives he stalks, he sucks.
[howling]
Listen.
Listen to the wolves.
They are the children of the night.
Their voices are like music to mine ear.
[howling]
Hey.
Let's go visit him.
[ominous atmospheric music]
Tell me you're kidding.
Stu, get the flashlights.
There's gotta be a way to get in here.
[group chattering and laughing]
Okay, here we go.
Ready, one, two...
[Beau] I'm not going in there.
He said he was coming back from the dead.
[Saint] Don't get sucked in
by all that supernatural bullshit.
His whole life was a B-movie.
What?
Wake me up when it's over.
[laughing]
[Stu] That looks good?
Yeah, I think so.
Come on, Oscar.
Come on.
Man, you know a star is buried here.
[Clapping]
Locked.
What?
Locked.
Great.
No, no, come on.
[Saint] Huh?
No, no.
Hey.
Huh?
The roof.
Do it, do it, do it.
[Oscar] You got it?
[Saint] Go.
[Oscar] You got it?
Go for it.
Hey, Stu.
Guys, there's a skylight up here.
[Oscar] Can you get in?
I think so, I'll try.
[Oscar] Do it, do it.
All right.
Come on.
[glass shattering]
[grunting]
[beeping]
[Conrad] Welcome.
[eerie warbling]
[Saint] Stuie, open the goddamn door.
[imitating creaking]
I bid you welcome to the castle Razkoff.
Yeah!
[Clapping]
Oh my god.
[beeping]
Welcome.
[thunder crashing]
[laughing]
Good evening, this is Conrad Razkoff
coming to you from the dead.
[eerie warbling]
How kind of you to visit my crypt.
I hope you are staying a thousand years.
If you have broken in, you probably will.
For at the end of the
message, the door to the tomb
will slam shut forever.
Get the door.
Get the door, now!
[Conrad laughing menacingly]
Let me conclude.
Remember, I who am here was once like you.
And you who are there
will one day be like me.
[voice echoing]
[beeping]
What are you doing?
How do you open this thing?
Saint.
I got it.
Oh, man.
Look at that.
He's got his tails and cape
on just like Bela Lugosi.
Yeah, everything except breath.
[laughing]
Look at his eyes, they're still open.
They're not seeing shit.
[eerie warbling]
Good evening, sir.
I enjoyed your last performance
very, very, very much.
Stop that.
[Stu] So, what do we do now?
Why don't we invite him home for dinner?
[laughing]
[excited chattering]
[laughing]
Wait, wait, wait.
[all chattering and laughing]
I feel good.
Ah.
[blowing raspberry]
Well, here we are.
The question is why are we doing this?
Well man, it's simple.
I mean, we love Conrad, right?
[All] Yeah.
And Errol Flynn did
it to John Barrymore.
My bad.
Yes.
Hey listen, it's very simple.
I mean the plan is we're just gonna
keep him here, right, tonight.
And take him back in the morning.
Right?
Right?
Right.
Right.
Right.
[thunder crashing]
[laughing]
[laughing]
[light orchestral music]
[laughing]
[group chattering]
[silverware clinking]
Order, order.
Conrad, you've filmed him more than once.
You probably know this place
like the back of your hand.
What can I say?
Welcome home.
[group applauding]
Throw your hands up, long life.
[laughing]
[Beau] Speech, Speech!
Speech!
[Clapping]
Oh, yes.
Speech!
[bird cawing]
Your silence is most eloquent, my lord.
[giggling]
You're sick.
Oh come on Meg, where
is your sense of humor?
Pasadena?
Hey, that's my gal you're talking to.
I just don't think it's funny.
Oh come on, Meg.
You know, I can hardly believe
that's Conrad over there.
It's, it's pretty weird.
Conrad, I always
wanted to be your bride.
Once I stole a ring from my mother.
And I secretly married you.
On our wedding night, we
made love in your coffin.
It was beautiful.
[glasses clinking]
[light orchestral music]
Oscar, come on let's dance.
I got it.
What about Conrad?
Huh?
Conrad, would you like to dance with me?
See?
Sir.
[light orchestral music intensifying]
[laughing]
[music speeding up]
Oh, that's, that's nice.
Let me uh, let me get a shot of that
for the society scrapbook.
And great.
[camera clicking]
Okay, good.
[camera clicking]
[thunder crashing]
Well, let us call it a wrap.
It has been a night to remember.
Huh?
[group clapping]
[laughing]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[group chattering]
Watch out.
Right in the middle.
I got it, I got it.
[Saint] You got it?
Hands.
Whoo.
[laughing]
Oh, there we are.
Goodnight Conrad.
[thunder crashing]
[wind howling]
Well, it looks like we've
got our work cut out for us.
Looks like a biggie.
Did you check the whole territory?
Yeah from the footprints
it looks like there were
about four people involved.
Mm-hm.
Any sign of uh, cult activity?
Like black candles, red
drapings, even incense ashes?
Not so far sir, no.
And there's no ransom notes of any kind?
What do they want with his body?
[thunder crashing]
What should I do, Mrs. Rohmer?
Tell me what should I do?
Don't ask me, Etta.
Ask Conrad.
You must ask him.
He'll tell you.
Do you really believe
there is life after death?
[eerie atmospheric music]
The soul lives after death.
Why not the body?
How do we begin?
Get me some articles of his clothing.
And then get me his pyramid.
Carlos.
I'm trying to reach you, Conrad Radzoff.
In the name of all holy
and unholy spirits, listen.
I'm trying to bridge the
gulf between there and here.
Life and death.
Where is your body?
Let my thoughts pierce the great void.
Oh God, help me.
Help me to reach you.
[breathing heavily]
We're in the dark,
trying to get to the end.
Oh.
Oh.
I feel you now, Conrad.
Getting closer.
[gasping]
[screaming]
God.
I can feel his presence inside my body.
He's close to us.
He's trying to speak.
Oh, dearest lord!
Help me!
Help me to break through the walls!
The walls!
Oh!
[breathing heavily]
[loud wailing]
What was that?
Uh, we're freaking out.
He's dead as a fish.
Yeah, yeah.
What was that noise?
[Saint] I don't know.
I don't believe the dead walk.
I don't believe in life after death.
The dead are dead.
They don't walk and they don't scream.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[breathing heavily]
His words are tumbling out now,
becoming sentences.
What is he saying?
Ask him what he wants me to do.
An eye for an eye.
A tooth for a tooth.
Ask him where he is.
Where are you Conrad?
A house.
A big house.
Speak to him yourself.
Conrad, Conrad darling dearest.
When you left me, where did you go?
[Both] He went into
darkness, then into flames.
Then I came back.
You brought me back from hell.
[thunder crashing]
If that's where you've been,
then send them that stole
your body there too.
Send them into the flames.
Burn them.
Burn them.
Burn them!
[coffin exploding]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[whispering and moaning]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Who is this?
It doesn't matter who I am.
Them, the people who
have your husband's body.
What?
What do you want?
I want to help you, Mrs. Radzoff.
Someone's coming.
[phone clicking]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[breathing heavily]
Saint?
[dreamy synth music]
[wind whooshing]
I just saw someone.
There.
You blew it for me.
I was really getting into that.
You're guilty of coitus interruptus.
You know, I could suffer
deep psychological damage,
become a mental cripple for life.
Will you shut up?
I'm trying to tell you I saw someone.
Look Donna, It's three
a.m. in the goddamn morning.
Everybody's crashed.
It's just, just a figment
of your imagination.
But I'll go check it out anyways.
Okay?
Okay-
Oscar.
I want you look everywhere.
Even in the attic.
Come on.
There's nobody up there, except Conrad.
The attic's the one place
I don't have to check.
[distant squeaking]
[heavy breathing]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[door closing]
[wind whooshing]
[doorknob rattling]
Saint?
Donna?
Donna?
I'm locked in the attic!
Donna!
[sighing]
[heavy breathing]
Who's there?
Saint?
Look, if this is some
kind of joke or something,
I don't think it's funny.
[squeaking]
[wind whooshing]
[clattering]
[thunder crashing]
[heavy breathing]
Saint, goddammit, would you just stop it?
Come on, you're scaring
the shit out of me.
[squeaking]
[choking]
[eerie atmospheric music]
Oscar?
Oscar?
Come on, stop fooling around.
[heavy breathing]
[squeaking]
Oscar?
Are you hiding?
[dog barking in distance]
Oscar?
[squeaking]
Oscar?
[heavy breathing]
Oscar, are you up here?
[eerie atmospheric music]
[crow cawing]
Oscar, stop it now.
You're scaring the hell out of me.
Oscar, are you out here?
Oscar, come back to bed.
Oscar!
[gasping]
No.
[screaming]
[growling and moaning]
I'm gonna have this phone
monitored 24 hours a day.
And when she calls we're
going to have our answer.
[Saint] Oscar!
Donna?
I looked all over upstairs.
Nothing.
I found Oscar's uh,
headphones in his room though.
He never goes anywhere
without these things.
I have looked upside down and backwards.
I mean, if they had gone somewhere
they would've left a note or
something for crying out loud.
Has anyone checked the cellar?
I'm not going down there.
They're not in the cellar, Beau.
What?
The cellar.
Oh, I'm not going down there.
I'll check.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[squeaking]
[ominous atmospheric music]
[heavy breathing]
[Beau] Meg!
Get the hell up here!
[growling]
They'll be back in a couple days.
Maybe.
In the meantime we're left
in the shit up to our becks.
[Meg] Oscar's probably very
happily surfing in Malibu.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[beeping]
[voices whispering]
[growling]
[door slamming]
Hey, open the door.
Hey!
Open the goddamn door!
Open the door!
[beeping]
Welcome to the Radzoff family saga.
-[Beau]Shut up.
You're not only locked in.
But these tombs will consume
you within the next hour.
[Beau] I don't believe you.
Shut up!
Goodbye.
See you soon.
This side of the River Styx.
[voice echoing]
[doorbell chiming]
[knocking on door]
[eerie atmospheric music]
He knows.
We got to move fast.
We got to find Bobo.
I know that.
Where the hell is he anyway?
[eerie atmospheric music]
[coughing]
[beeping]
Ow!
[Conrad] Die.
[sobbing]
[Man On TV] No!
Not the leader.
[Echoing Voice On TV] Go away.
[Donna] Help me, Evie.
[Man On TV] Where are they?
[Donna] I'm in the attic.
I'm up here in the attic.
Come up.
Evie.
[eerie atmospheric music]
Help me, Evie.
[Evie] Donna, where are you?
[Donna] Evie.
Evie.
Donna, are you up here?
Where are you?
Donna?
[growling]
[voices whispering]
Oh, good God.
Oh, God.
[screaming]
Please.
Please!
Oh my god.
[screaming]
[Meg] Evie!
[Man On TV] You'll be next.
Evie?
[spooky atmospheric music]
Evie?
She was here one minute.
Then she was gone.
First Oscar and Donna.
Now Eve.
What's going on?
I can't take it, Saint.
Okay, okay, honey.
We're gonna get out of
this house for good.
When?
Now.
What are we going to do with Conrad?
We're gonna dump--
No.
We gotta put him back where we found him.
Where he belongs.
[eerie atmospheric music]
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
He belongs there.
We owe him that.
Uh, Saint.
I'm not going back there, man.
No way.
Look, Stu, don't give me a ton of shit.
Just go upstairs and get the flashlights
and let me worry about the details.
Saint, I--
Look just go!
[Donna] Stu.
[squeaking]
Stu.
Stuey.
It's Donna, Stuey.
Come to me.
Stuey.
Saint?
[growling]
[rumbling]
[heavy breathing]
[laughing]
Conrad.
Conrad.
[Donna] It's Donna, Stuey.
No, no.
No!
Get away!
Get away from me!
[Donna] Come on, come on.
[Stu] No!
[Donna] Stu.
[Stu] No, no!
[door creaking]
[voices whispering]
[growling]
[growling]
[voices whispering]
[thunder crashing]
Hey.
Have you seen Stu?
I thought he was with you.
God.
He's not in his room either.
All right, look.
I know you're not going to like this,
but you're going to have to help me take
Conrad back to the cemetery.
I won't go near that place again.
Meg, come on.
And I'm not staying here either.
Meg.
I used to love this old house.
I hate this house.
Honey.
The walls are so cold.
Did you know that a woman
committed suicide here once?
Did you know that?
Yes, I did.
I can feel her ghost.
I know that someone is after me.
Meg, come on.
Honey, honey.
Don't get crazy on me.
Okay?
Meg, I love you.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
Okay?
All you've got to do is just come with me
and wait in the hearse.
Come on, honey, come on.
Come on.
Come on, honey, come on.
Come on.
First we got to try and find Stu.
Okay?
I hope to God nothing's happened to him.
I'm gonna go look in the back.
You look around the side of the house.
Please, Meg.
We are running out of time.
It is going to be light soon.
Please.
Do you think that the
dead can come back to life?
No, I don't.
We did something bad.
I know someone is after me.
Come on.
[ominous orchestral music]
Stuey!
Stu?
Stu?
Stu!
[thunder crashing]
[heavy breathing]
Saint!
[crow cawing]
[crying]
Saint, I'm going to go to the police
and tell them everything.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not trying to stop you.
Can't you see I'm scared?
I don't know what's going to happen to us.
You can't stop me.
[phone ringing]
Where's my husband's body?
How'd you get this number?
From Conrad.
Dammit.
[phone thudding]
Look, I'm sorry, Meg.
But time has run out.
I need you with me.
I need you with me.
I don't have time for
this nonsense anymore.
Look, I am gonna get the car.
And you are gonna go running upstairs
and you are gonna pack your stuff
and you're gonna do it now.
You are gonna go now.
Go!
[crying]
You may have your
imagination, but I didn't
believe they had the guts.
Okay, professor.
We're gonna check it out for you,
but you got to give me something more
substantial to connect Radzoff,
something with your kids.
I need something to work with.
Do you understand me?
Maybe it's the red carnation.
[eerie atmospheric music]
Frank?
We're gonna need a search
warrant from Judge Stewart.
Get it the first thing in the morning.
[sobbing]
[Conrad] Meg.
Who's there?
[engine sputtering]
[Conrad] Meg.
Come, Meg.
Come, Meg.
[engine revving]
[Meg] No!
[banging]
[loud crashing]
[heavy breathing]
No!
[heavy breathing]
[wind whooshing]
[screaming]
[groaning]
Meg!
Meg?
[eerie atmospheric music]
Meg?
Meg.
I love you.
They can't take you with them.
I will make this right.
[police radio chattering]
Where is Saint, Meg?
Where do you live, girl?
[Voices] Meg.
Come with us, Meg.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[ominous orchestral music]
[beeping]
[thunder crashing]
Welcome again to the Radzoff saga,
brought to you uninterrupted
by commercials.
I love a captive audience.
Is it getting hot in here?
A trifle stifling?
Don't breathe in those fumes.
They're really nasty.
[beeping]
[deep rumbling]
[ominous orchestral music]
[crow cawing]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[wind whooshing]
[screaming]
[ominous orchestral music]
[wind whooshing]
[heavy breathing]
[screaming]
[wind whooshing]
[bone cracking]
[groaning]
[crying]
[Saint] Let me out, let me out!
No!
Let me out, no!
No!
[screaming]
Conrad!
Conrad, let me out!
Let me out!
Help, help!
[screaming]
[wind whooshing]
[growling]
[screaming]
He was terrifying in life.
But even more so in death.
Come, Mrs. Rohmer.
Let's go.
In a minute Etta.
Wait for me at the car.
I just want to say goodbye to Conrad.
As you wish, my dear.
I need these a lot more
than you do, Conrad, my love.
These are all the gifts
you always promised,
but never gave me.
I gave you everything.
[laughing]
You won't need to tell
time anymore, my sweet.
And you thought you
could take it with you.
[wind whooshing]
[gagging]
[beeping]
Good evening, madame.
A pity you missed your chance
of watching the entire collection
of Conrad Radzoff horror films.
But other pleasures await you.
Come to me, my love.
[voice echoing]
[beeping]
[thunder crashing]
[door thudding]
[heavy breathing]
[beeping]
[low whooshing]
Hell is not as bad as you think.
It's actually quite pleasant.
Maybe the food is a trifle overcooked
and the champagne Californian.
But you do meet the
most interesting people.
I hope in future you will show
more respect for the dead.
[voice echoing]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[light synth music]
[wind howling in the distance]
[thunder crackling]
[spooky atmospheric music]
[thunder crackling]
[thunder crashing]
[woman screaming]
Cut it, out it, cut it!
Goddamn it!
[background chatter]
You've done this take 18 times.
You've missed your mark
three times in a row.
What is your problem, man?
It is you who are inept, sir, not me.
Glass?
Cigarette.
You're not only talking to a horror star,
but an eminent actor.
I've played Julius Cesar on
Broadway before you were born.
I did Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw
on the London stage before you were
a gleam in your daddy's eye.
I better not get excited,
my blood pressure pills.
Please spare us the
heart attack, Conrad.
I don't give a shit what
you did 40 years ago.
All I'm interested in is whether or not
you can do a commercial today.
Why don't you get Orson Welles?
Or Larry Olivier?
Sir Laurence to you.
I wish to god I had,
because you certainly
weren't my choice, Conrad.
Aw, crap.
Let's take a break.
Take 10 minutes.
Take 20 minutes!
What's the difference?
[thunder crashing]
Stock.
[ominous atmospheric music]
[screaming]
[body thudding]
[Man] He's dead.
Take 19.
[sirens in the distance]
Did you see the accident, sir?
Back to the mansion.
Can't use it.
[crowd chattering]
[ominous orchestral music]
Ah, now I can live in peace
like all other men.
[audience applauding]
Thank you.
On behalf of the City
College Cinema Department,
and my students in the film society,
[audience applauding]
And now, without further delay,
allow me to introduce the man
we've all been dying to meet.
The last of the great
giants of the horror cinema.
It's my great honor to
introduce Mr. Conrad Razkoff!
[audience applauding]
[crowd cheering]
[fingers snapping]
Ladies and gentlemen, dear
friends, Professor Marcus.
I thank you from the bottom
of my heart for inviting me.
The honor of being here is
entirely, entirely my own.
You know, I thought that
the world had forgotten me
a little, and I felt bitter
and a little disappointed
and sick at heart.
[eerie electronic music]
[crowd murmuring]
[Man] What's going on?
I would like to say,
I would like to--
[group chattering]
[Woman] Oh my God.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[blowing]
Are you okay?
What's your name?
Meg.
[dog barking]
[eerie atmospheric music]
I am getting ready to die.
I have so much to do, Etta.
I have never died before.
And I want to do it right.
Go and get Wolfgang.
Quick.
Conrad, my old friend.
Stop acting.
Do your job as a director.
Is everything ready?
Yes, everything,
You better do a good
job or you're fired.
[laughing]
Especially at the funeral.
I want it to be magnificent.
It's my last performance,
and I want an Oscar.
Do you understand?
I want to die like a star.
[choking]
Conrad!
Conrad.
[eerie atmospheric music]
Dead?
Really dead?
Yes, Conrad, I will direct your funeral,
your last performance,
just as I directed all of the others.
You always said a red
carnation is your signature.
There, perfect.
You are dressed for your
greatest role, death.
All my life I wanted to tell you off.
Now I can.
The world is at last rid of
you, and I am rid of you too.
In pace requiescat.
When I found you, you were nothing
but a second-rate waiter.
I gave you your first part and your last.
You made millions and I got dreck.
Without me, you would be nothing.
Goodnight, sweet prince of ham.
Go to hell.
Go straight--
[intense orchestral music]
[choking]
Take 20.
[thunder crashing]
[grunting]
[discordant organ music]
[grunting]
[Announcer] The great
Conrad Razkoff is dead.
And he will not allow his remains
to be cremated because he claims he
is coming back from the dead.
Conrad Razkoff lived like a movie star,
and he was buried like
one too in a monument
that is a fitting memorial
to his $1 million.
Unfortunately, his old
director, Brad Wolfgang Habner
suffered a fatal heart
attack, and never lived
to see this day.
[bells ringing]
[church choir singing]
[Etta] Goodbye, my love.
Thank you, my friends,
for coming to my funeral.
I'm appearing before you
today in a pre-recorded tape,
one of many I did before
my untimely demise.
You see, I didn't want anyone but me
to star at my own funeral.
Afterwards, please be me
guests back at the mansion.
Eat your fill of caviar.
And enjoy a cool glass of champagne.
Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to me.
I hope you won't find the
mausoleum in bad taste.
The board of cemetery
directors objected at first,
but then they decided I
was a tourist attraction.
[laughing]
You see, a star in life
is a star in death.
Remember, every time you
see one of my films on TV,
you're not only watching
me, but I am watching you.
[voice echoing]
[laughing]
[crowd applauding]
Bravo.
[whistling and cheering]
[bells ringing]
It was a movie funeral.
It was downright unforgettable.
Hundreds of mourners,
flowers filling the chapel
Conrad gave his own farewell
sermon from a TV screen.
Conrad's widow, Etta
Razkoff obviously there,
pushing away the curious, those
that came for a last glimpse
of this great actor.
As the funeral procession left the chapel
and headed toward the great mausoleum,
the mausoleum something else.
It loomed above the other
gravestone, 100 feet long,
solid granite.
A neon star twinkling
with the name Razkoff.
[suspenseful electronic music]
[Oscar] Hey, what are you up to, man?
[Meg] Yeah.
Are you stoned or just
getting weird on us'?
You'll find out.
[car doors closing]
You know, the whole funeral
was just like another scene
in one of his flicks.
I mean, I could see him get up
in those supreme deluxe tails
of his and just go wandering around
the streets of Hollyweird
looking to suck some blood,
hmm?
[laughing]
Mmm.
All I'll find around here
are a lot of tacky hookers.
[Man] Say cheese, huh?
[horn honking]
He lives he stalks, he sucks.
[howling]
Listen.
Listen to the wolves.
They are the children of the night.
Their voices are like music to mine ear.
[howling]
Hey.
Let's go visit him.
[ominous atmospheric music]
Tell me you're kidding.
Stu, get the flashlights.
There's gotta be a way to get in here.
[group chattering and laughing]
Okay, here we go.
Ready, one, two...
[Beau] I'm not going in there.
He said he was coming back from the dead.
[Saint] Don't get sucked in
by all that supernatural bullshit.
His whole life was a B-movie.
What?
Wake me up when it's over.
[laughing]
[Stu] That looks good?
Yeah, I think so.
Come on, Oscar.
Come on.
Man, you know a star is buried here.
[Clapping]
Locked.
What?
Locked.
Great.
No, no, come on.
[Saint] Huh?
No, no.
Hey.
Huh?
The roof.
Do it, do it, do it.
[Oscar] You got it?
[Saint] Go.
[Oscar] You got it?
Go for it.
Hey, Stu.
Guys, there's a skylight up here.
[Oscar] Can you get in?
I think so, I'll try.
[Oscar] Do it, do it.
All right.
Come on.
[glass shattering]
[grunting]
[beeping]
[Conrad] Welcome.
[eerie warbling]
[Saint] Stuie, open the goddamn door.
[imitating creaking]
I bid you welcome to the castle Razkoff.
Yeah!
[Clapping]
Oh my god.
[beeping]
Welcome.
[thunder crashing]
[laughing]
Good evening, this is Conrad Razkoff
coming to you from the dead.
[eerie warbling]
How kind of you to visit my crypt.
I hope you are staying a thousand years.
If you have broken in, you probably will.
For at the end of the
message, the door to the tomb
will slam shut forever.
Get the door.
Get the door, now!
[Conrad laughing menacingly]
Let me conclude.
Remember, I who am here was once like you.
And you who are there
will one day be like me.
[voice echoing]
[beeping]
What are you doing?
How do you open this thing?
Saint.
I got it.
Oh, man.
Look at that.
He's got his tails and cape
on just like Bela Lugosi.
Yeah, everything except breath.
[laughing]
Look at his eyes, they're still open.
They're not seeing shit.
[eerie warbling]
Good evening, sir.
I enjoyed your last performance
very, very, very much.
Stop that.
[Stu] So, what do we do now?
Why don't we invite him home for dinner?
[laughing]
[excited chattering]
[laughing]
Wait, wait, wait.
[all chattering and laughing]
I feel good.
Ah.
[blowing raspberry]
Well, here we are.
The question is why are we doing this?
Well man, it's simple.
I mean, we love Conrad, right?
[All] Yeah.
And Errol Flynn did
it to John Barrymore.
My bad.
Yes.
Hey listen, it's very simple.
I mean the plan is we're just gonna
keep him here, right, tonight.
And take him back in the morning.
Right?
Right?
Right.
Right.
Right.
[thunder crashing]
[laughing]
[laughing]
[light orchestral music]
[laughing]
[group chattering]
[silverware clinking]
Order, order.
Conrad, you've filmed him more than once.
You probably know this place
like the back of your hand.
What can I say?
Welcome home.
[group applauding]
Throw your hands up, long life.
[laughing]
[Beau] Speech, Speech!
Speech!
[Clapping]
Oh, yes.
Speech!
[bird cawing]
Your silence is most eloquent, my lord.
[giggling]
You're sick.
Oh come on Meg, where
is your sense of humor?
Pasadena?
Hey, that's my gal you're talking to.
I just don't think it's funny.
Oh come on, Meg.
You know, I can hardly believe
that's Conrad over there.
It's, it's pretty weird.
Conrad, I always
wanted to be your bride.
Once I stole a ring from my mother.
And I secretly married you.
On our wedding night, we
made love in your coffin.
It was beautiful.
[glasses clinking]
[light orchestral music]
Oscar, come on let's dance.
I got it.
What about Conrad?
Huh?
Conrad, would you like to dance with me?
See?
Sir.
[light orchestral music intensifying]
[laughing]
[music speeding up]
Oh, that's, that's nice.
Let me uh, let me get a shot of that
for the society scrapbook.
And great.
[camera clicking]
Okay, good.
[camera clicking]
[thunder crashing]
Well, let us call it a wrap.
It has been a night to remember.
Huh?
[group clapping]
[laughing]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[group chattering]
Watch out.
Right in the middle.
I got it, I got it.
[Saint] You got it?
Hands.
Whoo.
[laughing]
Oh, there we are.
Goodnight Conrad.
[thunder crashing]
[wind howling]
Well, it looks like we've
got our work cut out for us.
Looks like a biggie.
Did you check the whole territory?
Yeah from the footprints
it looks like there were
about four people involved.
Mm-hm.
Any sign of uh, cult activity?
Like black candles, red
drapings, even incense ashes?
Not so far sir, no.
And there's no ransom notes of any kind?
What do they want with his body?
[thunder crashing]
What should I do, Mrs. Rohmer?
Tell me what should I do?
Don't ask me, Etta.
Ask Conrad.
You must ask him.
He'll tell you.
Do you really believe
there is life after death?
[eerie atmospheric music]
The soul lives after death.
Why not the body?
How do we begin?
Get me some articles of his clothing.
And then get me his pyramid.
Carlos.
I'm trying to reach you, Conrad Radzoff.
In the name of all holy
and unholy spirits, listen.
I'm trying to bridge the
gulf between there and here.
Life and death.
Where is your body?
Let my thoughts pierce the great void.
Oh God, help me.
Help me to reach you.
[breathing heavily]
We're in the dark,
trying to get to the end.
Oh.
Oh.
I feel you now, Conrad.
Getting closer.
[gasping]
[screaming]
God.
I can feel his presence inside my body.
He's close to us.
He's trying to speak.
Oh, dearest lord!
Help me!
Help me to break through the walls!
The walls!
Oh!
[breathing heavily]
[loud wailing]
What was that?
Uh, we're freaking out.
He's dead as a fish.
Yeah, yeah.
What was that noise?
[Saint] I don't know.
I don't believe the dead walk.
I don't believe in life after death.
The dead are dead.
They don't walk and they don't scream.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[breathing heavily]
His words are tumbling out now,
becoming sentences.
What is he saying?
Ask him what he wants me to do.
An eye for an eye.
A tooth for a tooth.
Ask him where he is.
Where are you Conrad?
A house.
A big house.
Speak to him yourself.
Conrad, Conrad darling dearest.
When you left me, where did you go?
[Both] He went into
darkness, then into flames.
Then I came back.
You brought me back from hell.
[thunder crashing]
If that's where you've been,
then send them that stole
your body there too.
Send them into the flames.
Burn them.
Burn them.
Burn them!
[coffin exploding]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[whispering and moaning]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Who is this?
It doesn't matter who I am.
Them, the people who
have your husband's body.
What?
What do you want?
I want to help you, Mrs. Radzoff.
Someone's coming.
[phone clicking]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[breathing heavily]
Saint?
[dreamy synth music]
[wind whooshing]
I just saw someone.
There.
You blew it for me.
I was really getting into that.
You're guilty of coitus interruptus.
You know, I could suffer
deep psychological damage,
become a mental cripple for life.
Will you shut up?
I'm trying to tell you I saw someone.
Look Donna, It's three
a.m. in the goddamn morning.
Everybody's crashed.
It's just, just a figment
of your imagination.
But I'll go check it out anyways.
Okay?
Okay-
Oscar.
I want you look everywhere.
Even in the attic.
Come on.
There's nobody up there, except Conrad.
The attic's the one place
I don't have to check.
[distant squeaking]
[heavy breathing]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[door closing]
[wind whooshing]
[doorknob rattling]
Saint?
Donna?
Donna?
I'm locked in the attic!
Donna!
[sighing]
[heavy breathing]
Who's there?
Saint?
Look, if this is some
kind of joke or something,
I don't think it's funny.
[squeaking]
[wind whooshing]
[clattering]
[thunder crashing]
[heavy breathing]
Saint, goddammit, would you just stop it?
Come on, you're scaring
the shit out of me.
[squeaking]
[choking]
[eerie atmospheric music]
Oscar?
Oscar?
Come on, stop fooling around.
[heavy breathing]
[squeaking]
Oscar?
Are you hiding?
[dog barking in distance]
Oscar?
[squeaking]
Oscar?
[heavy breathing]
Oscar, are you up here?
[eerie atmospheric music]
[crow cawing]
Oscar, stop it now.
You're scaring the hell out of me.
Oscar, are you out here?
Oscar, come back to bed.
Oscar!
[gasping]
No.
[screaming]
[growling and moaning]
I'm gonna have this phone
monitored 24 hours a day.
And when she calls we're
going to have our answer.
[Saint] Oscar!
Donna?
I looked all over upstairs.
Nothing.
I found Oscar's uh,
headphones in his room though.
He never goes anywhere
without these things.
I have looked upside down and backwards.
I mean, if they had gone somewhere
they would've left a note or
something for crying out loud.
Has anyone checked the cellar?
I'm not going down there.
They're not in the cellar, Beau.
What?
The cellar.
Oh, I'm not going down there.
I'll check.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[squeaking]
[ominous atmospheric music]
[heavy breathing]
[Beau] Meg!
Get the hell up here!
[growling]
They'll be back in a couple days.
Maybe.
In the meantime we're left
in the shit up to our becks.
[Meg] Oscar's probably very
happily surfing in Malibu.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[beeping]
[voices whispering]
[growling]
[door slamming]
Hey, open the door.
Hey!
Open the goddamn door!
Open the door!
[beeping]
Welcome to the Radzoff family saga.
-[Beau]Shut up.
You're not only locked in.
But these tombs will consume
you within the next hour.
[Beau] I don't believe you.
Shut up!
Goodbye.
See you soon.
This side of the River Styx.
[voice echoing]
[doorbell chiming]
[knocking on door]
[eerie atmospheric music]
He knows.
We got to move fast.
We got to find Bobo.
I know that.
Where the hell is he anyway?
[eerie atmospheric music]
[coughing]
[beeping]
Ow!
[Conrad] Die.
[sobbing]
[Man On TV] No!
Not the leader.
[Echoing Voice On TV] Go away.
[Donna] Help me, Evie.
[Man On TV] Where are they?
[Donna] I'm in the attic.
I'm up here in the attic.
Come up.
Evie.
[eerie atmospheric music]
Help me, Evie.
[Evie] Donna, where are you?
[Donna] Evie.
Evie.
Donna, are you up here?
Where are you?
Donna?
[growling]
[voices whispering]
Oh, good God.
Oh, God.
[screaming]
Please.
Please!
Oh my god.
[screaming]
[Meg] Evie!
[Man On TV] You'll be next.
Evie?
[spooky atmospheric music]
Evie?
She was here one minute.
Then she was gone.
First Oscar and Donna.
Now Eve.
What's going on?
I can't take it, Saint.
Okay, okay, honey.
We're gonna get out of
this house for good.
When?
Now.
What are we going to do with Conrad?
We're gonna dump--
No.
We gotta put him back where we found him.
Where he belongs.
[eerie atmospheric music]
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
He belongs there.
We owe him that.
Uh, Saint.
I'm not going back there, man.
No way.
Look, Stu, don't give me a ton of shit.
Just go upstairs and get the flashlights
and let me worry about the details.
Saint, I--
Look just go!
[Donna] Stu.
[squeaking]
Stu.
Stuey.
It's Donna, Stuey.
Come to me.
Stuey.
Saint?
[growling]
[rumbling]
[heavy breathing]
[laughing]
Conrad.
Conrad.
[Donna] It's Donna, Stuey.
No, no.
No!
Get away!
Get away from me!
[Donna] Come on, come on.
[Stu] No!
[Donna] Stu.
[Stu] No, no!
[door creaking]
[voices whispering]
[growling]
[growling]
[voices whispering]
[thunder crashing]
Hey.
Have you seen Stu?
I thought he was with you.
God.
He's not in his room either.
All right, look.
I know you're not going to like this,
but you're going to have to help me take
Conrad back to the cemetery.
I won't go near that place again.
Meg, come on.
And I'm not staying here either.
Meg.
I used to love this old house.
I hate this house.
Honey.
The walls are so cold.
Did you know that a woman
committed suicide here once?
Did you know that?
Yes, I did.
I can feel her ghost.
I know that someone is after me.
Meg, come on.
Honey, honey.
Don't get crazy on me.
Okay?
Meg, I love you.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
Okay?
All you've got to do is just come with me
and wait in the hearse.
Come on, honey, come on.
Come on.
Come on, honey, come on.
Come on.
First we got to try and find Stu.
Okay?
I hope to God nothing's happened to him.
I'm gonna go look in the back.
You look around the side of the house.
Please, Meg.
We are running out of time.
It is going to be light soon.
Please.
Do you think that the
dead can come back to life?
No, I don't.
We did something bad.
I know someone is after me.
Come on.
[ominous orchestral music]
Stuey!
Stu?
Stu?
Stu!
[thunder crashing]
[heavy breathing]
Saint!
[crow cawing]
[crying]
Saint, I'm going to go to the police
and tell them everything.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not trying to stop you.
Can't you see I'm scared?
I don't know what's going to happen to us.
You can't stop me.
[phone ringing]
Where's my husband's body?
How'd you get this number?
From Conrad.
Dammit.
[phone thudding]
Look, I'm sorry, Meg.
But time has run out.
I need you with me.
I need you with me.
I don't have time for
this nonsense anymore.
Look, I am gonna get the car.
And you are gonna go running upstairs
and you are gonna pack your stuff
and you're gonna do it now.
You are gonna go now.
Go!
[crying]
You may have your
imagination, but I didn't
believe they had the guts.
Okay, professor.
We're gonna check it out for you,
but you got to give me something more
substantial to connect Radzoff,
something with your kids.
I need something to work with.
Do you understand me?
Maybe it's the red carnation.
[eerie atmospheric music]
Frank?
We're gonna need a search
warrant from Judge Stewart.
Get it the first thing in the morning.
[sobbing]
[Conrad] Meg.
Who's there?
[engine sputtering]
[Conrad] Meg.
Come, Meg.
Come, Meg.
[engine revving]
[Meg] No!
[banging]
[loud crashing]
[heavy breathing]
No!
[heavy breathing]
[wind whooshing]
[screaming]
[groaning]
Meg!
Meg?
[eerie atmospheric music]
Meg?
Meg.
I love you.
They can't take you with them.
I will make this right.
[police radio chattering]
Where is Saint, Meg?
Where do you live, girl?
[Voices] Meg.
Come with us, Meg.
[eerie atmospheric music]
[ominous orchestral music]
[beeping]
[thunder crashing]
Welcome again to the Radzoff saga,
brought to you uninterrupted
by commercials.
I love a captive audience.
Is it getting hot in here?
A trifle stifling?
Don't breathe in those fumes.
They're really nasty.
[beeping]
[deep rumbling]
[ominous orchestral music]
[crow cawing]
[eerie atmospheric music]
[wind whooshing]
[screaming]
[ominous orchestral music]
[wind whooshing]
[heavy breathing]
[screaming]
[wind whooshing]
[bone cracking]
[groaning]
[crying]
[Saint] Let me out, let me out!
No!
Let me out, no!
No!
[screaming]
Conrad!
Conrad, let me out!
Let me out!
Help, help!
[screaming]
[wind whooshing]
[growling]
[screaming]
He was terrifying in life.
But even more so in death.
Come, Mrs. Rohmer.
Let's go.
In a minute Etta.
Wait for me at the car.
I just want to say goodbye to Conrad.
As you wish, my dear.
I need these a lot more
than you do, Conrad, my love.
These are all the gifts
you always promised,
but never gave me.
I gave you everything.
[laughing]
You won't need to tell
time anymore, my sweet.
And you thought you
could take it with you.
[wind whooshing]
[gagging]
[beeping]
Good evening, madame.
A pity you missed your chance
of watching the entire collection
of Conrad Radzoff horror films.
But other pleasures await you.
Come to me, my love.
[voice echoing]
[beeping]
[thunder crashing]
[door thudding]
[heavy breathing]
[beeping]
[low whooshing]
Hell is not as bad as you think.
It's actually quite pleasant.
Maybe the food is a trifle overcooked
and the champagne Californian.
But you do meet the
most interesting people.
I hope in future you will show
more respect for the dead.
[voice echoing]
[eerie atmospheric music]