Fun & Slutty with Jonathan Van Ness (2025) Movie Script
Y'all.
I have been working for this moment.
It's been six years in the making,
but when I really think about it,
it's been 37 years in the making.
I've learned a lot, and I'm really excited
to share that with you guys.
Welcome to the stage,
Jonathan.
You guys
Look so beautiful tonight,
honey Austin, I'm so excited you're here.
Thank you so much for coming out.
Yes.
- Is there any queer millennials
that are out here tonight?
Yes. You know, so many of us,
our personalities are largely
based off of nineties films
with strong female leads,
which is why I'm so
similar to Elise Elliot.
She is the character
played by Miss Goldie Han
in First Wives Club.
Yes, it was my favorite
movie when I was little,
you know, I was six or seven.
And it taught me about, you know, suicide,
domestic violence,
and just generally women
doing it for themselves.
Such formative topics for me, you know,
much like Elisa's character.
I also get my best ideas
after having done cardio.
So it was early last year,
I had just finished up a little session
and this little voice in my head,
I don't know if it was like
Mother Nature or the Holy Spirit
or my mental health,
but the voice said, get your
phone and go to the mirror.
And next thing I knew, I
was like, you're a hot slut.
Yes, honey. Now if you don't follow
my Instagram, that must be really hard.
I, you know, my condolences
and sincerest apologies to you.
But I started doing this series on Mondays
and it was, you know, just like,
it was like a thing for me.
Like my followers loved
it and it, I loved it.
I just would do these little
affirmations on Mondays.
And I quickly realized in the comments,
there was a big discourse
around me using the word slut.
Some people in the words of
Miss Paris were sliving for slut.
Others were not sliving
for me using slut.
And I didn't understand why some
of these folks in the comments
were saying things like,
you know, I don't like slut.
Like, you should use a different word.
That's a derogatory word. I
don't like that fucking word.
You shouldn't use that
word. I didn't get it.
Why don't these folks like slut,
why don't these people know
that slutty just means
to experience pleasure?
It doesn't have to be sexual pleasure.
It can be,
but it doesn't have to be
like, you could be slutty
for like volunteering
girls.
Get your fucking heads
out of the gutters. Okay.
You know, I mean, it could be, you could,
you could be slutty for, for
gardening, for taking a walk.
It doesn't have to be slutty
for like eating vagina
or sucking dick,
but it can, you know, it
just, it's a lot bigger than
what I think people realize.
And I didn't understand why
these people didn't know that.
So I racked my fucking brain.
Why don't these people know?
And then I realized it's these
fucking Republicans,
they've been trying to ban
sex education for years,
and now no one knows what slutty means.
But if they're gonna
ban sex education, honey,
I'm gonna bring it back.
Yes. So welcome to your ho show.
This is fun and slutty.
Yeah. Yes. Class.
I am your professor, Jonathan Van Nasty.
And I want you to think of this
as basically a sex ed class
for adults along with
some other lessons too.
That's what tonight's course
is gonna be on. All right.
Now there's only one
main rule for this class,
which is shame is to us
as J-Lo is to Mariah.
We've never met shame before.
We don't know who shame is.
We left our shame at the door
and tonight we get
to experience this class
in a shame free zone.
Everybody.
Yes sir.
You look so much like Steven Colbert.
I can't even hear myself
think Yes.
Are are you Steven Colbert?
Why are you, are you, have
people said that to you before?
A couple times. Yes. I
just wanted to make sure.
I was like, wow, I can't
believe he came to my special.
But I love doing your show.
You know, you're actually
one of my hall passes
with my husband, you know,
just, you know, it's, you know,
just, oh my God, honey, honey,
this is a really good crowd.
This is a really good crowd, you guys.
So that's what I'm saying.
This is a shame-free zone.
Now, is there any other educators
that are out here tonight?
Yes. Yes, yes.
How hard is our job?
Oh my God. These fucking
students these days.
Oh my God, I'm so stressed out.
I think it's really important
as an educator to know
what you do not know.
And what I don't know
about you all tonight is,
what is the most sexual thing
you've ever done in your
entire fucking life?
Now, I know I said that
there was only the one rule,
but if there's someone,
this is gonna be some crowd
participation.
Okay? So we're gonna do a
little bit of like open,
you know, classwork.
But if the person next to you
is screaming something like,
you know, I don't know, like, you know,
like the manager at my local
Taco Bell took me into the
bathroom and put hot sauce on
my toes and then ate it out
and then fucked me in the ass.
If someone is saying that
and you're saying like,
oh, I had a three-way once,
let the Taco Bell person,
like have their moment.
You know what I'm saying?
And I have to tell you, you
know, we have to remember
we were locked in our
houses away from each
other for a very long time.
We didn't ever know if we would get
to come into a room like this again
and like have a special, so, you know,
look at your neighbor,
open your mouth and spit.
Unless spit plays not your thing.
It's, it's not for everybody.
It, but, you know, I'm just saying like,
let's be vulnerable to the together.
Let's like go on this journey.
So come on, Austin,
what's the most sexual
thing that you've done?
Let me, let me, if you come on, it's like,
I'm like the Long Island medium.
It's, oh, yes, yes. You
there? What did you do?
You slept with two members
of a band on a tour bus.
Do I, can I ask a follow up? Yes.
Now, did they know about
each other on this tour bus
or were you just kind of
like clandestine, like
So they did know about you,
or they did, they were in the same band
together, these folks.
So you fucked two members of
the same band on a tour bus
that is giving me courageous feminism,
fucking exploratory pussy.
And I love it. Give it up for her Yes,
yes, yes.
Austin. That's nice.
What do, do you wanna
share with the class?
Ah, that's beautiful.
This gorgeous young woman told the class
that she once fucked in a
forever 21 changing room.
Yes. You right there, honey.
What did you do?
Oh, have you ever seen that video of
that guy doing a standing
back tuck on his Porsche,
but then he goes through the windshield.
It was not a great video anyway. Yes sir.
Oh, I feel like this is gonna
be good.
Okay, I'm ready for it.
Gay, gay ski weekend.
Oh my god. The crowd was like, ooh,
at the urinal
in the restroom class.
Ooh, yes. Water sports.
Then what happened?
Then you left.
Fast forward, he's on
a ski lift with the man
that he made eyes with in the urinal.
Honey, they're at the ski
lift, but it broke down.
Okay, wait, so wait. So they're
standing at the ski lifts.
I just need to make sure everyone knows
good story's too good.
So there're the ski lift and
like there's this moment.
'cause 'cause you were going up
and he was No, you were going up.
He was coming down. Yeah.
Then what? Yeah, the tree.
He's stuck in the, in the chairlift.
So he is gotta take a piss.
He's hanging off the top.
That is so hot. Then what happens?
So you're just shirtless
taking a piss off the ski lift.
You fucking Mr. Clean looking ass.
I love it with your fucking
bald head just taking
a fucking piss right there.
And then what happens, honey?
So he pissed down this
guy's throat from the lift
chair at gay ski week.
Yes, girl. Yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Now I have to tell you my piss story.
When I was 25,
I met this like gorgeous
muscular DJ in Los Angeles.
And we were, we, we used
to like hook up for
like a long time, right?
He was like my little, like
2:00 AM like, are you awake?
Type guy, right? So this one morning,
or it was like two in the morning,
I get over there and we fucked.
And then afterwards, like, I
don't know what came over me,
but I was just like, I think I'm ready,
like to be pissed on.
Like, I had never done it before,
but I was like, let's go into your shower
and like, let's try it.
So we went into the shower
and I got on my knees
and he was like, so muscly
and like a big, like
super hero looking man.
He was so cute. His, I
should change his name,
but his, yeah, he had this, you
know, he had this cute name.
And so, you know, I was,
I was there on my knees
and it was a, and it was a curtain shower.
And that's important. It
comes into play in a minute.
So it was a curtain
shower. So I'm on my knees.
And the second that his
urine touched my chest,
I projectile vomited from the depths,
from the depths of like, not
my, like my like my like,
like my Mula bandha like way down here.
Like very, just like,
and then in his horror, he
tried to get out of the shower,
but he tripped and he pulled
the shower curtain down.
Now, just to give you another
thing, I, I wouldn't like,
I was kind of like, like that.
So I ended up throwing up
outside the shower, you know,
like, and then he tried to
get away from me, like tripped
and then like pulled the shower down
and then collapse into a
muscular pile of my vomit.
Does anyone else have a
did Austin before we clap
and get into our first official lesson?
'cause I gotta say give it up for him.
That was a great story. So you
ready for your first lesson?
Are you ready for your
first fucking lesson?
I say hot, you say slut, hot slut.
Hot slut, social media.
Now you guys, I want
you to make some noise.
If you know the difference
between your FYP
and your explore page,
now make some noise.
If you don't know the fucking
difference between your FYP
and your explore page, I'm always
so fascinated by the answer there.
And I have to say that
for a tech city, Austin,
I am shocked.
Okay? So your explore
page is the algorithm
that powers your Instagram.
Your FYP is the algorithm
that powers your TikTok, okay?
These algorithms are incredibly strong,
strong things.
They know you better than
you know your fucking self.
The reason being is
that these algorithms are always watching
everything you do on social
media, it's watching.
If you consume a video until it's over,
it's gonna show you more stuff like that.
If you cruise through the
video real quick, honey,
it's not gonna show you
more stuff like that.
So it really curates as
much as it can curate
to keep you stuck there
for as long as possible.
Now, if you were to
look at my explore page,
you would see someone who evidently loves
hairdressing, okay?
There's a lot of hair
stuff, a lot of before and
after hair stuff.
There's a lot of figure
skating, there's a lot
of gymnastics, there's a lot
of fist fights.
When a fist fight comes
across my algorithm,
I cannot not watch it.
I'll have a fan come up to me
and they'll be like, oh my
God, I love you so much.
And they can like kind
of see what I'm watching
and it's just like a brutal fist fight.
And I'm like, sure, yeah, let's do it.
Or I'll be like, oh my God, look,
so this lady right here
came in on this lady who,
I don't know what happened,
but they are gonna beat each
other's asses right now.
It is not just people fighting,
it's also people falling
the drunk people getting hurt,
the kids getting hurt pages
so hilarious, so heartwarming.
It's just so fucking good, you know?
And, and then also obviously
hot gays and hot theys.
That, that's really what's
over there on my Instagram.
Now the Venn diagram, the overlap of
what both apps show me is
pretty narrow actually.
It's hairdressing and hot gays
and theys. That's the overlap.
Otherwise, my TikTok is so different.
My TikTok is very much muck bangs.
That's people eating
various foods right now.
It's a lot of frozen silky
gem candies, seafood boils
and balut.
And it, yes, it's gorgeous,
honey, I'm obsessed with it.
I wanna make that little fucking
salt, pepper, lime juice,
chili fucking sauce
to put in my fucking
fertilized fucking eggs.
And I'm gonna fucking
eat like five of them.
I'm so fucking, I'm so balut curious.
I, I fucking love balut. I want
to try. I've never tried it.
I, but I'm pretty sure I love it
because that little sauce looks delicious.
That's that. And oh, also
my TikTok, the North Sea.
That North Sea is so busy,
it has it's teaming with life.
The North Sea. There's
so much going on there,
so much going on there in the North Sea.
Now I'll tell you that my
TikTok also has something
even scarier.
I don't know if you've ever
ended up on the wrong side
of TikTok, but the first time
it happened to me, honey,
I was minding my own business.
And I was like, why is Kid
Rock on my algorithm right now?
What is he doing on my TikTok? If I
can see him,
Can he see me?
I was so fucking scared, you guys.
So many anti-trans Republican turf ass
people on my TikTok.
Now, last year I did an episode
of my podcast about trad wives.
If you don't know what trad wives are,
they are these like anti-vax evangelical.
I don't want to have a checkbook.
Everything was great in the 1940s.
And you know, it was probably
even great before that too.
Like way before that,
like watching their content is
like watching a fucking train
crash, fist fight in real life.
You can't not finish it.
So then a few months later
I do an episode about
gay Republicans.
Now my TikTok thinks I
am a fucking Republican.
So I am seeing all this alt right fucking
anti-trans Republican shit so often.
And when I see it, I can't turn it off.
I have to see what they say.
I wanna know what they're
talking about over there.
My algorithm has never fucking recovered.
But this is what I've learned
about the anti-trans people
who I have seen on my TikTok.
Now you go on a date with a Democrat
to a community theater
production of Beetlejuice,
which is how Julia Roberts character
and my best friend's wedding
would say, Beetlejuice.
And you rubbed your elbows on his penis.
You vaped next to a pregnant woman
and made out with this
man at a community theater
production of Beetlejuice.
And I am the threat to society.
I just don't fucking get it.
I just don't get it. Lauren.
Now, and whether you're Lauren
or you know, Pierce Morgan, you know,
'cause there's like the
anti-trans transatlantic folks.
You got your jks, your Pierce Morgans,
or whether you're on the American side
and you're like I said, you
know, Beetlejuice Bobert
or Marjorie Taylor or Matt Gaetz,
or I mean so many,
but here's what I've noticed about them.
That's all very similar.
They love gender affirming
care for themselves. Love it.
And my theory here is, is
that these anti-trans people
are coming from a place
of scarcity, a deep place of scarcity.
They're afraid that if
trans people can get access
to the healthcare that they need,
then there's not gonna be enough hormones
and, you know, fillers and
implants and hair plugs
and veneers for everyone.
And, and I just wanna let them
know that if there's anything
that we've learned about
the American medical system,
they're gonna take your money.
They're gonna find a
way to take your money.
So don't be afraid. Eric and
Kimberly, don't be afraid.
You can get your veneers
and your implants redone fat
transfer Brazilian butt lift
whatever you want, girl.
Calm down. Calm down.
The other thing I've noticed
about anti-trans people is
they tend to look like shit.
And I think the reason they
do tend to look like shit is
because when you talk,
when you talk shit about
that many queer people, we don't want
to be on your glam team.
You know? And then you look
like you're stuck in a perpetual
outlet Kohl's ad,
very generic, very, no one wanted
to buy you in the regular store.
That must be really hard. You know?
So that's, that's what I've
noticed about those folks.
The other thing that I've
noticed about Republicans
specifically, like, you
know, so the American side,
they have co-opted the idea
of patriotism in this country.
They have said that they're
the only fucking Patriots,
and I've got news for them.
I'm a fucking patriot,
you guys. I'm a patriot.
Picture it. I'm Georgina
Washington taking our troops
across the Delaware.
I'm a fucking patriot damnit.
And if I wasn't a patriot,
would I be willing
to suck Mitt Romney's dick
right here and right now?
Now, if there's any Republicans
out there tonight for some
fucking reason or watching at
home, I
know what you're thinking.
Well, Mitt Romney, that's a fucking rhino
Who wouldn't suck Fucking
Mitt Romney's dick.
You don't know what a rhino is.
That's a Republican in
name only mean He voted
to take Trump out of fucking
office, anybody would
suck his fucking dick.
Oh really?
Well, first of all, ever
since 2002 Salt Lake games,
when he stood out into that fucking arena
and those shoulder pads
and that black box die,
it's beautiful.
Mitt is stunning. And he always has been.
But it's not only him. Now,
before I say this joke,
I want to say this.
Do you remember at the
beginning of class when I said
that this was a shame-free zone?
So I want to say that, okay,
that one eyed war veteran Dan Crenshaw,
that fucking hair, that fucking eye patch.
Oh, those hands, oh fuck.
I have this fantasy with him, honey,
where we have made the
most like stunning love.
And he's like, no, no, like,
I want you to come first.
And I'm like, oh my God. Okay.
And then he is like,
come in my eye socket.
And I am like, Dan, is that safe?
We have to protect the
veterans of this country.
I'm a fucking patriot. Okay?
Now I know you wish that that
joke was over, but it's not.
It's not. It's just getting started.
Now, I should also say
before I say this person,
that I have this incredible ability.
It's, it's the last
vestige of the patriarchy
that lives within me.
And it's this uncanny
ability for me to be able
to divorce someone's
personality completely from
their physical form.
It's very manlike of me.
It's the only real manlike thing I can do.
I just, I just can, I just, I just
so please remember that
when I, when I tell you
who I'm also physically attracted
to in the Republican party, okay?
And I'd also like to say,
you know, this person likes
to talk a lot about biology.
And I would just like to say
that, let's talk about biology
because I'm biologically
attracted to your form.
Okay?
Senator Josh Hawley.
I shut up, shut up.
Shut your gay mouth. Let me explain.
I said, I don't like his policy.
It's a purely physical thing.
And this is what I, this is what I, I've,
I said I've spent a lot of
time on therapy in this,
you guys, I spent a lot of time,
and this is what I think it is.
It's the receding hairline
to Adam's apple ratio.
And I see a lot of our women being like,
it's gotten me a few times, you know,
but just stick with me.
I, I have this fantasy.
It's, it's Handmaid's tale,
but I am, I'm the lady in red.
I'm the, I'm the lady, I'm
the red lady. Just picture it.
I'm like, this
actually, no, I don't
wanna smash my curls.
So it's like,
No, it's, it's kinda like,
And then I'm like, Mitt,
flood my guts.
Yeah, flood 'em just full fucking
hurricane in there, you know?
And then Josh comes
around to take his turn
and he floods my guts.
Oh, and also, I should just say, I know
that consent is not a big
deal to so many Republicans,
but to me it is.
So I would only let them flood
my guts if they really wanted
to, you know, like, it's
only like if they wanted to,
you know, I'm like, not
making anybody flood my
fucking guts, you know?
But then afterwards I say,
Senator Hawley, get on the ground
because the bed's too squishy.
I'm sorry. Made, made such deep
and unrelenting eye contact
with you as I said that.
I'm so sorry. And then what I would do
with his Adam's apple is I would just sit
right over his face.
Just right.
You know how like the ISS
like the International Space
Station when like a shuttle docks with it
and it's like, it's like,
no, it'd be more like, no,
it'd be more like,
I would just like let my whole,
and I would take these,
these pesky heels off.
I would take these heels
off, so I would be flat
and I would just sit right over
his face like this, just so
that his adams apple
could just really tease
my hole, you know?
And, and I would just,
and then I would just kind
of go like this, and then
I would go like, like that.
And I would just go all around on it.
And I, Senator,
I'd be like, Senator, do you
support the equality act now?
Yeah. You guys fantasies are healthy.
It's good to have healthy
fantasies. It's good.
So look, social media,
you might run into a Republican on there.
It can be scary, but social
media is not all bad.
I did meet my husband,
stiff ginger dick on there.
Yes. So you might find a Republican,
you might find a husband,
you just don't know.
Hopefully not a Republican husband.
Are you ready for our next
lesson? Yes. Okay. Okay.
This one's really good. It's kind of deep.
It's really deep actually. Harm reduction.
Wow. Austin harm reduction.
Now I learned about
harm reduction in rehab
where I spent my 24th and 25th birthdays.
Now, not in succession
because I wasn't made of money,
you know, I did six weeks,
got way more fucked up,
got a couple more drugs
that I got a little bit more into.
And then I went back, I said, it's time
to take myself back to rehab.
So I went back to rehab.
Now, the rehabs that I went
to were those kinds of places
where there's like, you have
to be all the way sober.
Like sober.
We're not, we're not California
sober, we're not, you know,
we're not, there's no weed,
there's no fucking alcohol.
It's like there's, you have cigarettes
and coffee and that's it.
Okay? Now I'm non-binary.
And as a non-binary person,
anytime someone tells me
that there is like one
or two ways that you can do something,
I'm just immediately leery.
I just, I don't wanna do that.
I want to find kind of my own fucking way.
So, you know,
'cause when I went to
rehab, meth was going
to fucking kill me.
Weed. That shit wasn't gonna kill me.
Weed wasn't gonna kill me.
The meth that was gonna kill me, the weed
that wasn't gonna kill me.
So that's harm reduction
basically, in a, in a nutshell,
okay, that's harm reduction.
But that's not all I
learned about in rehab.
I learned, you know, 'cause
you gotta like do group
therapy in front of people.
You gotta like bare your fucking soul,
your deepest traumas in
front of like, strangers.
So I learned how to be honest in front
of people I've never met before.
I learned how to like, hold
space for people's pain
and like, really, listen,
I learned about breakfast.
You know, when you're doing a lot of meth,
you don't eat very much breakfast.
And once I did start eating
breakfast, I thought, wow,
I feel so much better.
It really is the most
important meal of the day.
No, what I, what I really learned in rehab
and what really changed my
life was they taught us how
to ask for help, but they
taught us in the most
fucked up way.
So if you can imagine, I've been up
for like three days, okay?
It's not a pretty place
when you've been up on meth
for three days, the voice in
my head had become a Russian
journalist's voice.
There was narrating
every move I made in this
like, weird Russian accent.
Now I know that you wish
that I could do that accent.
I cannot. It's only something I can
really think of in my head.
And, and every time I try to
do it just lets people down.
So I'm not going to, now
this is my fucking special.
So I'm not gonna, I'm
not gonna workshop the
Russian accent anymore.
I've been trying it in like
six countries, over 70 shows,
and I haven't figured it out yet.
But, but this Russian
accent's voice was very strong
and I was very scared.
And you know, I, I went to
rehab in rural Tennessee,
and literally when I got
there, they were like,
Hey, don't be afraid.
But there was like an ongoing
scabies outbreak here.
And I was like,
and you know, you have
to do all these tests
and you do physicals and
they test you for everything
and they, you know, make sure
that you're like, you know,
healthy enough to like be there.
And I go back to the cabin and
it sounds like a summer camp,
but really it, like, there
was like five cabins.
And I went back to my
cabin, I went to sleep,
and then I wake up the
next day, which, you know,
I got a good 15, 20 minutes of sleep.
It was, you know,
there was just enough
meth still in my system
to just keep me absolutely just,
you remember what was the
sister's name in Rugrats
that had like the really crazy hair?
Like, what was it again? Cynthia?
Yeah, I looked like Cynthia.
I was like Cynthia after a meth relapse.
And it was just, you know,
but a grownup Cynthia, who was like 25
and just hopelessly addicted to meth.
And so, you know, the first
morning they wake us up
and they're like, all right, so, you know,
today we're gonna have all
of you guys come outside
and we're gonna blindfold all of you,
and we're gonna have you put
your arms out on the person's
shoulders in front of you in the line,
and we're gonna walk you out
to a maze, a a rope maze.
We're gonna walk you out to a rope maze.
And I was like, come
again, a blindfolded maze.
And they were like, you'll
have an hour once you get there
to get out of the maze before it blows up.
And so I just
said, I miss my mom.
And they're like, no, no,
no, we're just kidding.
It's not gonna blow up.
It's not blowing up.
Like we just said that to be funny.
And I was like, that's not funny.
I'm still too sleep
deprived and high for that.
And I was like, can you know?
I was like, can I sit this out?
And they were like, no, you
know, your physicals were fine.
You're, you know, you're
gonna have to do it.
And so I was like, fuck me. So,
oh, and then they were like,
and the only rule is that
you can only whisper.
Like, you can't like talk out loud,
like you can only whisper.
And so I was like this, I
would rather fucking eat shit
and die twice than do this.
But they take us outside,
they put us in the
blindfolds, they line us up.
We're walking through this
fucking Tennessee fucking field
to go do this rope maze
blindfolded challenge.
And halfway over there, my
internal, like Michelle Kwan,
like my internal like competitive
drive, just like turns on.
And I'm just like, I'm
gonna show these other
fucking campers.
I'm gonna show these other addicts.
They've never fucking seen a tweaker.
Get out of a blindfolded
rope maze this fucking fast.
So when we got over to the maze
and you could like drop
your arms, I was like,
yeah, I was so fucking ready.
So like, 3, 2, 1, go.
So I just get in this rope maze
and I'm, Nope,
nope, you guys,
as the minutes go by, I hear like less
and less feet shuffling around.
Less and less, less
and less, less and less feet.
So in my head I'm like,
all right, it's cool.
Like, I'm not gonna be on the podium.
Like, like I'm not gonna be
top three in this competition,
but I could still get top 10, you know?
So I'm hustling and hustling.
I cannot find a fucking
way out of this maze.
And I'm freaking out.
And the, I always wanna say
camp counselor at this point,
but he's like the therapist
who was like running
like the show that day.
He was like, you know, I hear him,
he's like three minutes left.
And I'm frantic.
Like I hear, I feel like I'm
the only steps at this point.
Like I don't hear anybody else's steps.
And I'm like, I can't
be the only one who's
left in this maze.
And there was like 50
people in my rehab, okay?
Like, there's, so I'm, I'm sensing
that I'm the only one in the maze.
And so then he is like 3, 2, 1.
I stand up, I rip off my fucking blindfold
and I look up, there's 50 people,
I guess 49 excluding me,
just staring at my frazzled
ass, sweating, crying.
I definitely was like talking to myself.
I was like asking the Russian
voice to please be quiet
and leave me alone.
The, the voice was like, oh my god,
Vladimir doesn't like losers
and like, you're gonna
fucking, you know, like, no,
I was so scared.
And so then I, I stopped
and I turn around and I look at this maze.
There's no, there's no
way out of this maze
there, there's no way out of this maze.
And that fucking camp
counselor walked up to me
and he was like,
this maze is a metaphor
for addiction.
There is no way out
unless you raise your hand
and ask for help.
What the fuck for these prices
crashing off meth
Blindfolded.
You could have just said,
it's very important to ask
for help to quit doing meth
Tennessee scabies outbreak.
Okay? Only way is to
raise your fucking hand.
Fuck you.
Harm reduction doesn't
only stop with drugs,
it also applies to sex.
Now in my twenties, my
formative years, my teens,
my twenties, if someone sent
me a dick pic from like,
you know, via like a homing pigeon
or like the Pony Express,
it's actually much worse
than both of those things.
It was through an email from someone
that I'd met on an AOL
gay twenties chat room.
You remember, you were there.
See, when you're a young
queer person in a rural place,
getting dick is a full fucking time job.
All right? First of all,
this is in the PG era,
which is pre grinder.
We only had gay.com
and where I come from, there was four
of us in a 300 mile radius.
If you did meet someone
whose dick, you could suck.
You would have to print off the directions
off of something called you
remember 3, 2, 1, MapQuest
MapQuest to find your dick
appointment.
Which is why when these gen Zers have
the audacity to make
fun of our skinny jeans
and our side parts, I say,
you have no idea what
we fucking went through.
You have no fucking idea. You rude ass
Fucking MapQuest.
Now, I mean what I say,
unless you are a Gen Zer
who is here tonight
Hello? Yes, thank you.
If you are a Gen Z person who's
here, thank you. I love you.
I did not mean that when I said
that about you guys 'cause
you guys have a clue.
So I just wanna say that I love you and
'cause you're so important
to the future of this country
and the future of my career.
So I just wanna say thank
you for coming tonight.
Thank you for watching Gen Z.
If you are a thank you,
thank you, thank you. Yes.
But for most of you on
TikTok, I just wanna say that
you could just realize where,
you know, we went through it.
The thing is, is that
because I didn't have good sex education,
when I would get one of these dick pics
and someone would show interest
in me, my first instinct was
to just have them come inside me.
You know? And then I got HIV. Wow.
I haven't felt the air
leave a room like that
since I was in Sydney,
Australia, in front of a crowd
of 3000 people.
At my last hour, my last
little show that I did,
I had this joke, it was like 2022.
And I had this joke where
I said, I'm HIV positive.
This was my second pandemic.
And much like that eerie quiet
that descended over the room just a moment
ago, that's what happened.
But it was much worse 'cause
there was 3000 people there
and you really could
just hear a pin drop just
and see, when you try a joke
and it bombs in front of
that many people, you have
to think on your feet.
So you know what I did?
I said, Hey, I'm sorry,
did you not understand me?
I said, I'm HIV positive.
This was my second pandemic.
And then I went, gimme a
H, H gimme an I,
I gimme a V,
V.
What's that spell HIV.
We proceeded to chant
HIV HIV
for a good three or four rounds
before I looked out at the crowd
and I said, what the
fuck's wrong with you?
And more importantly,
what's wrong with me?
So yeah, whenever I tell
that story about, you know,
contracting, HIV like to do
that little Sydney story so
that you guys have permission to laugh
because that's what comedy is.
It's making jokes of things that would
otherwise make you fucking cry.
Yes, that's what it's for you guys.
That's what it's for.
Here's the other lesson I would
say that I'd like to talk about.
I frequently get asked
like how do you stay
so positive in the face of
so much antiqueer legislation,
just antiqueer sentiment.
Like how do you stay positive?
Well, the answer's always the same.
And it comes from this
place within me that is so
full of hope but anger at the same time.
And you know, it's three words
and it's grand theft auto.
You know, when I feel hopeless,
when I feel angry at the world
around me, I don't get angry.
I get on GTA.
Okay, I know what your thinking.
You didn't know that
non-binary people play GTA.
Well we do, unlike our
cisgender counterparts,
we don't assume the gender of
someone before we murder them.
That's the biggest difference.
We just kill everybody.
We don't stop to think about
who you are, where you're from.
We just mow you all down
because that's what you're
supposed to do on GTA.
Now, I should also tell you
that as a former sex worker,
this bit feels very therapeutic for me.
I just want you to remember that.
So this is how I approach
my strategy on GTA.
first thing I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna steal a car.
Then what I would do is I would go
and I would run over as many
sex workers as possible.
You may think that's cruel,
but the reason that I did that is
because sex workers have a lot more cash
than their civilian
pedestrian counterparts.
And I needed more cash
to get better weapons,
to kill more cops.
Yes. Now if you are
like a Blue Lives Matter
person, and you are very, if that, if
that joke brought up some
complicated feelings for you,
I just want to say I did
not invent the rules of GTA,
don't hate the player hate the game.
Okay? I did not invent
it. I didn't invent it.
Now for the uninformed, GTA
is based off of Los Angeles
and it's in this fictionalized version
of Los Angeles called Los Santos.
And it really is just so fun.
And I, and I was targeting this
sex workers, I'll be honest,
until my girlfriend
said, leave them alone.
Let them thrive. Let
them build their business
because the real money is in the missions.
You guys, the missions honey.
So then I started like
I never was like reading
what the game was saying
in those little boxes.
I didn't understand.
Once I started doing the boxes, honey,
it like had me open up this weed farm
and I started getting
money hand over fist honey.
Like I was making so much
money off this weed farm.
Then I opened like a dance
club, like a nightclub.
And I took really good care of mine.
Like it was five stars on
Yelp line around the block.
Like I was making so much
money. Like I had a great dj.
It was like people loved
my fucking club on GTA,
it was the place to be.
Then I was like, well how
can I get more money honey,
because this tank, there's this tank
that it's undetectable on the radar.
Now I don't like it that, you know,
they're co-opting undetectable.
I feel like that's my thing. But you know,
but that's, you know, but that's okay.
You know, they can do it on the gaming.
So, so there's this, there's this tank.
It's undetectable on the radar.
So if you're playing like public GTA,
you can just like fucking
like, and there's someone
that you can tell you don't
like their screen name.
It's like fucking MAGA 24 or whatever.
You just fucking like, you can stalk them
and your little tank that's undetectable
and you just fucking kill
them over and over and over.
You just mercilessly hunt
them down until they leave
that public room.
You chase 'em out of there,
you chase 'em outta Los Santos.
So then I did my cocaine operation
'cause I really needed like
the better version of that tank
that's a little bit bigger.
Then it had me do an acid lab.
And I will say that acid, this one time,
it really helped me with my PTSD.
So I was just like, okay, like
let's help the cocaine addicts
that you're stringing out
with your cocaine thing with the acid lab.
This is great. You're balancing the world.
This is like really
good. You're doing good.
You're leaving Los Santos
better than you found it
until the game one day
said open up a meth lab
trigger.
All of a sudden it was major trigger city.
You know, I grew up getting exposed
to this like ultra ultra evangelical woman
and she was always
talking about the enemy.
And she would listen to Joyce Meyer,
this fierce little short, pixie haired,
redheaded fucking televangelist.
And she would wear these knee pads
and she would just like wash
the fucking floor at the church
listening to fucking Joyce Meyer.
And she would tell me, she'd
say, the enemy will come
for you in so many ways.
And when I saw that meth message
on that TV screen, I said,
so I had to say goodbye
GTA, I left it in the past,
it was too dark, it was too triggering.
And I said, hello Fortnite.
It's a much brighter, more
bright murderous game.
I do regret to inform you true story.
Three weeks ago I got
home from brunch at noon
and then when I looked at my
phone again it was 8:30
I, I played Fortnite for eight hours.
I can't believe I didn't get bed sores.
So I'm working on that in therapy.
Next, I will let you know at
our next class how that goes.
It's, you know, work in progress.
Progress, not perfection.
That's what they say. Yes, yes, yes.
But if you are feeling like
rageful angry, you know,
you wanna just fucking go off
on someone, don't get angry.
Get the GTA. It will help. It
will help. Take that with you.
For what it's worth. Our next lesson,
I know I said it's like about
joy and it's about sexuality,
but I look like this.
And I live in Texas.
Alright? I live in Texas.
I live in Texas. It's cute,
we love Texas in so many ways,
but it's also kinda scary.
So what I do is I listen to a lot
of true crime podcasts.
My favorite is morbid.
It's so good you guys.
It's such a good fucking podcast.
My theory on True Crime
podcasts is, is that if I listen
to everyone I can get my fucking hands on,
then no one's gonna be able to murder me
because I'm gonna see their
fucking shenanigans from
a mile away.
I've seen all this shit before.
I know what to do, I know what to do.
So it's helping me know
how to keep myself safe.
It's also making me very hypervigilant.
Very hypervigilant.
Okay, prior to moving to Texas,
I've always been very anti-gun.
And I still am anti-gun.
Yes, but I'm scared, honey.
I mean, my neighbor two doors down,
just put up a fucking Ted Cruz sign.
Ah. So sometimes even though
I am anti-gun, I do wish
that I was a gun.
Like I wish I could just
chit just ch ch just stop it,
you know, gun heel, you know, like,
ooh, ooh, no, like a fem bot.
Stay away. No.
'cause I would be such a
responsible gun owner if
they were in my breasts.
Like I would just only take it
out if I really felt scared.
Now I'd be responsible about it.
But my husband's British
and he really does not
understand our gun culture.
Like we are not a gun house.
We're not gonna have guns.
We can't have guns. 'cause
my fucking husband, if for up
to me, I'd be in like
the pink rainbow fucking
gun club right now.
Okay? But I'm not because
my husband won't let me.
So that leads us to the morbid.
They told me about this man on
the podcast called Pure Power
3 1 4.
I think I should really look.
It's pure power something.
You'll find him. He's an ex-cop
who lives in Florida, who is
so in my arousal template, he's like 55.
He's like addicted to bronzer
and he kind of looks like a bald,
more muscular Paul Hollywood from Bakeoff.
But again, just like so much bronzer,
like these piercing blue eyes.
And, but that's not,
'cause I'm pretty sure
he is a Trump supporter,
but obviously, you know that that's not
a deal breaker for me.
Like physically, you know, from before.
But what really made me fall
head over heels butt crazy in
love with this man is
that he's open about his
ozempic journey.
Like every third video is
about like his ozempic.
And I'm just like,
that's so sweet.
I just love like a big
ex cop who's like, yeah,
I'm on Ozempic.
I didn't think that that was
gonna be like a series on his
TikTok that would work so well.
But it, it really does.
But anyway, pure power 3 1 4 honey,
he's really pro taser.
He's like, if you're not
into guns, like get tasers.
So now I have tasers all
over the fucking house,
every room, the garage, my
car, my bedroom, my salon room,
my content capture room.
I have fucking tasers everywhere.
And you would never know
that they're tasers.
I have, I have tasers
that look like iPhones.
I have a taser that
looks like a flashlight.
It's kind of this size, but
it looks like a flashlight.
But it's incredible
'cause I can go like this
and it like becomes four feet long
so you can keep the perp
like four feet away.
And actually I'm pretty sure
this taser could kill like a
cow, a moose, a large
deer, potentially a person.
Like, I don't, I don't
know how legal it is.
It like, it came from like
this place, from this person
who knows someone who knows someone.
It's like, it's like a kill you taser.
And I, I love it though.
'cause I just, it's in my house
and I can just get a fucking away from
me, you know?
Really like tasers.
But we keep a few in our bedside table
and my husband is kind of,
you know, he's British.
Like I said, like they like to play
with your hole in the middle
of the night sometimes.
Like, I don't, you know,
I didn't make the rules.
Like he just, he like,
because it is not like, it's
like very like consensual.
It's very like, beautiful.
But sometimes I'm just like,
my God, someone playing
with my hole, you know?
And so, and he likes toys.
Like he likes the little toys.
He's like into like toys in my hole.
And you know, it's, I get it.
Like my hole's like really pretty.
It's like, he's like just,
it's, I I I just have one
of those holes that's just like, put a,
put something in there, you know?
That's what my hole says. You know?
It's just like, it's like,
it's like, it's like, you know,
it's like, it's like, like put
something in here, you know?
Yeah. It's almost like an
Enya song, you know, put,
you know.
But I'm so scared
because if he, if like one wrong move,
if he just takes his finger
to the wrong thing in there,
I just feel like I, I could just,
don't tase my hole babe.
Don't tase my hole.
Don't tase my hole. Don't do it.
Don't tase my hole. No,
but that's the thing that
the True Crime podcast,
they are making me really
hypervigilant you guys.
We, we have five cats
and we have three dogs
and they, they make a lot
of noise at night, you know,
they're fucking animals.
And every time if I hear anything,
I'm a very light sleeper.
If I hear anything, I'm just
violently shaking my husband awake.
Wake up, wake up, they're
fucking here. It's go time.
I get the taser, wake the
fuck up, mark. They're here.
It's go time. No, I'll stay
in here with the animals.
You go see who it is.
I'm like, fucking Jody
Foster in panic room.
No, but it's scary because
when you've listened
to enough True crime podcasts, you realize
the call is usually coming from
inside the house.
My sweet British husband, he kind
of looks like he kinda looks
like fucking Prince Harry.
You know that feeling when
you're trying to go to sleep,
but someone's like watching you.
So my husband will just be,
and I'll just be thinking
about these fucking episodes
of True Crime podcasts
where some fucking piece
of shit husband murdered his fucking wife.
And I will just be staring
at my husband like,
are you gonna kill
Me?
Fucker.
He wakes up.
Oh my gosh, what
what? you guys
He's not gonna kill me.
Mostly because, well, to be honest,
when you're living with HIV,
you can't have a life insurance
policy taken out on you.
So if he murders me, how's he
gonna maintain this lifestyle?
Not very well, honey.
Yeah. I mean, it's crazy
'cause when you think about it, HIV
saved my life.
Yeah.
- Austin,
- You
guys have been so incredible tonight.
I wanna leave you with one
last thing, one last thing,
which is this one last
thing, which is this,
it's the most important lesson.
You do not have to lose yourself
or change yourself to
be loved by anyone else.
I love you guys so much.
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.
Austin, you've been incredible.
I love you. I love you.
I love you. Thanks for coming out.
Thanks for sharing your energy.
I hope you enjoyed your
fun and slutty 1 0 1.
I love you Austin, get home safe.
- Thank you so much. You look
amazing. You all look amazing.
Get home safe. Don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
Get home safe. I love you
guys. You guys look amazing.
It's good to see you. Bye guys. Love you.
I have been working for this moment.
It's been six years in the making,
but when I really think about it,
it's been 37 years in the making.
I've learned a lot, and I'm really excited
to share that with you guys.
Welcome to the stage,
Jonathan.
You guys
Look so beautiful tonight,
honey Austin, I'm so excited you're here.
Thank you so much for coming out.
Yes.
- Is there any queer millennials
that are out here tonight?
Yes. You know, so many of us,
our personalities are largely
based off of nineties films
with strong female leads,
which is why I'm so
similar to Elise Elliot.
She is the character
played by Miss Goldie Han
in First Wives Club.
Yes, it was my favorite
movie when I was little,
you know, I was six or seven.
And it taught me about, you know, suicide,
domestic violence,
and just generally women
doing it for themselves.
Such formative topics for me, you know,
much like Elisa's character.
I also get my best ideas
after having done cardio.
So it was early last year,
I had just finished up a little session
and this little voice in my head,
I don't know if it was like
Mother Nature or the Holy Spirit
or my mental health,
but the voice said, get your
phone and go to the mirror.
And next thing I knew, I
was like, you're a hot slut.
Yes, honey. Now if you don't follow
my Instagram, that must be really hard.
I, you know, my condolences
and sincerest apologies to you.
But I started doing this series on Mondays
and it was, you know, just like,
it was like a thing for me.
Like my followers loved
it and it, I loved it.
I just would do these little
affirmations on Mondays.
And I quickly realized in the comments,
there was a big discourse
around me using the word slut.
Some people in the words of
Miss Paris were sliving for slut.
Others were not sliving
for me using slut.
And I didn't understand why some
of these folks in the comments
were saying things like,
you know, I don't like slut.
Like, you should use a different word.
That's a derogatory word. I
don't like that fucking word.
You shouldn't use that
word. I didn't get it.
Why don't these folks like slut,
why don't these people know
that slutty just means
to experience pleasure?
It doesn't have to be sexual pleasure.
It can be,
but it doesn't have to be
like, you could be slutty
for like volunteering
girls.
Get your fucking heads
out of the gutters. Okay.
You know, I mean, it could be, you could,
you could be slutty for, for
gardening, for taking a walk.
It doesn't have to be slutty
for like eating vagina
or sucking dick,
but it can, you know, it
just, it's a lot bigger than
what I think people realize.
And I didn't understand why
these people didn't know that.
So I racked my fucking brain.
Why don't these people know?
And then I realized it's these
fucking Republicans,
they've been trying to ban
sex education for years,
and now no one knows what slutty means.
But if they're gonna
ban sex education, honey,
I'm gonna bring it back.
Yes. So welcome to your ho show.
This is fun and slutty.
Yeah. Yes. Class.
I am your professor, Jonathan Van Nasty.
And I want you to think of this
as basically a sex ed class
for adults along with
some other lessons too.
That's what tonight's course
is gonna be on. All right.
Now there's only one
main rule for this class,
which is shame is to us
as J-Lo is to Mariah.
We've never met shame before.
We don't know who shame is.
We left our shame at the door
and tonight we get
to experience this class
in a shame free zone.
Everybody.
Yes sir.
You look so much like Steven Colbert.
I can't even hear myself
think Yes.
Are are you Steven Colbert?
Why are you, are you, have
people said that to you before?
A couple times. Yes. I
just wanted to make sure.
I was like, wow, I can't
believe he came to my special.
But I love doing your show.
You know, you're actually
one of my hall passes
with my husband, you know,
just, you know, it's, you know,
just, oh my God, honey, honey,
this is a really good crowd.
This is a really good crowd, you guys.
So that's what I'm saying.
This is a shame-free zone.
Now, is there any other educators
that are out here tonight?
Yes. Yes, yes.
How hard is our job?
Oh my God. These fucking
students these days.
Oh my God, I'm so stressed out.
I think it's really important
as an educator to know
what you do not know.
And what I don't know
about you all tonight is,
what is the most sexual thing
you've ever done in your
entire fucking life?
Now, I know I said that
there was only the one rule,
but if there's someone,
this is gonna be some crowd
participation.
Okay? So we're gonna do a
little bit of like open,
you know, classwork.
But if the person next to you
is screaming something like,
you know, I don't know, like, you know,
like the manager at my local
Taco Bell took me into the
bathroom and put hot sauce on
my toes and then ate it out
and then fucked me in the ass.
If someone is saying that
and you're saying like,
oh, I had a three-way once,
let the Taco Bell person,
like have their moment.
You know what I'm saying?
And I have to tell you, you
know, we have to remember
we were locked in our
houses away from each
other for a very long time.
We didn't ever know if we would get
to come into a room like this again
and like have a special, so, you know,
look at your neighbor,
open your mouth and spit.
Unless spit plays not your thing.
It's, it's not for everybody.
It, but, you know, I'm just saying like,
let's be vulnerable to the together.
Let's like go on this journey.
So come on, Austin,
what's the most sexual
thing that you've done?
Let me, let me, if you come on, it's like,
I'm like the Long Island medium.
It's, oh, yes, yes. You
there? What did you do?
You slept with two members
of a band on a tour bus.
Do I, can I ask a follow up? Yes.
Now, did they know about
each other on this tour bus
or were you just kind of
like clandestine, like
So they did know about you,
or they did, they were in the same band
together, these folks.
So you fucked two members of
the same band on a tour bus
that is giving me courageous feminism,
fucking exploratory pussy.
And I love it. Give it up for her Yes,
yes, yes.
Austin. That's nice.
What do, do you wanna
share with the class?
Ah, that's beautiful.
This gorgeous young woman told the class
that she once fucked in a
forever 21 changing room.
Yes. You right there, honey.
What did you do?
Oh, have you ever seen that video of
that guy doing a standing
back tuck on his Porsche,
but then he goes through the windshield.
It was not a great video anyway. Yes sir.
Oh, I feel like this is gonna
be good.
Okay, I'm ready for it.
Gay, gay ski weekend.
Oh my god. The crowd was like, ooh,
at the urinal
in the restroom class.
Ooh, yes. Water sports.
Then what happened?
Then you left.
Fast forward, he's on
a ski lift with the man
that he made eyes with in the urinal.
Honey, they're at the ski
lift, but it broke down.
Okay, wait, so wait. So they're
standing at the ski lifts.
I just need to make sure everyone knows
good story's too good.
So there're the ski lift and
like there's this moment.
'cause 'cause you were going up
and he was No, you were going up.
He was coming down. Yeah.
Then what? Yeah, the tree.
He's stuck in the, in the chairlift.
So he is gotta take a piss.
He's hanging off the top.
That is so hot. Then what happens?
So you're just shirtless
taking a piss off the ski lift.
You fucking Mr. Clean looking ass.
I love it with your fucking
bald head just taking
a fucking piss right there.
And then what happens, honey?
So he pissed down this
guy's throat from the lift
chair at gay ski week.
Yes, girl. Yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Now I have to tell you my piss story.
When I was 25,
I met this like gorgeous
muscular DJ in Los Angeles.
And we were, we, we used
to like hook up for
like a long time, right?
He was like my little, like
2:00 AM like, are you awake?
Type guy, right? So this one morning,
or it was like two in the morning,
I get over there and we fucked.
And then afterwards, like, I
don't know what came over me,
but I was just like, I think I'm ready,
like to be pissed on.
Like, I had never done it before,
but I was like, let's go into your shower
and like, let's try it.
So we went into the shower
and I got on my knees
and he was like, so muscly
and like a big, like
super hero looking man.
He was so cute. His, I
should change his name,
but his, yeah, he had this, you
know, he had this cute name.
And so, you know, I was,
I was there on my knees
and it was a, and it was a curtain shower.
And that's important. It
comes into play in a minute.
So it was a curtain
shower. So I'm on my knees.
And the second that his
urine touched my chest,
I projectile vomited from the depths,
from the depths of like, not
my, like my like my like,
like my Mula bandha like way down here.
Like very, just like,
and then in his horror, he
tried to get out of the shower,
but he tripped and he pulled
the shower curtain down.
Now, just to give you another
thing, I, I wouldn't like,
I was kind of like, like that.
So I ended up throwing up
outside the shower, you know,
like, and then he tried to
get away from me, like tripped
and then like pulled the shower down
and then collapse into a
muscular pile of my vomit.
Does anyone else have a
did Austin before we clap
and get into our first official lesson?
'cause I gotta say give it up for him.
That was a great story. So you
ready for your first lesson?
Are you ready for your
first fucking lesson?
I say hot, you say slut, hot slut.
Hot slut, social media.
Now you guys, I want
you to make some noise.
If you know the difference
between your FYP
and your explore page,
now make some noise.
If you don't know the fucking
difference between your FYP
and your explore page, I'm always
so fascinated by the answer there.
And I have to say that
for a tech city, Austin,
I am shocked.
Okay? So your explore
page is the algorithm
that powers your Instagram.
Your FYP is the algorithm
that powers your TikTok, okay?
These algorithms are incredibly strong,
strong things.
They know you better than
you know your fucking self.
The reason being is
that these algorithms are always watching
everything you do on social
media, it's watching.
If you consume a video until it's over,
it's gonna show you more stuff like that.
If you cruise through the
video real quick, honey,
it's not gonna show you
more stuff like that.
So it really curates as
much as it can curate
to keep you stuck there
for as long as possible.
Now, if you were to
look at my explore page,
you would see someone who evidently loves
hairdressing, okay?
There's a lot of hair
stuff, a lot of before and
after hair stuff.
There's a lot of figure
skating, there's a lot
of gymnastics, there's a lot
of fist fights.
When a fist fight comes
across my algorithm,
I cannot not watch it.
I'll have a fan come up to me
and they'll be like, oh my
God, I love you so much.
And they can like kind
of see what I'm watching
and it's just like a brutal fist fight.
And I'm like, sure, yeah, let's do it.
Or I'll be like, oh my God, look,
so this lady right here
came in on this lady who,
I don't know what happened,
but they are gonna beat each
other's asses right now.
It is not just people fighting,
it's also people falling
the drunk people getting hurt,
the kids getting hurt pages
so hilarious, so heartwarming.
It's just so fucking good, you know?
And, and then also obviously
hot gays and hot theys.
That, that's really what's
over there on my Instagram.
Now the Venn diagram, the overlap of
what both apps show me is
pretty narrow actually.
It's hairdressing and hot gays
and theys. That's the overlap.
Otherwise, my TikTok is so different.
My TikTok is very much muck bangs.
That's people eating
various foods right now.
It's a lot of frozen silky
gem candies, seafood boils
and balut.
And it, yes, it's gorgeous,
honey, I'm obsessed with it.
I wanna make that little fucking
salt, pepper, lime juice,
chili fucking sauce
to put in my fucking
fertilized fucking eggs.
And I'm gonna fucking
eat like five of them.
I'm so fucking, I'm so balut curious.
I, I fucking love balut. I want
to try. I've never tried it.
I, but I'm pretty sure I love it
because that little sauce looks delicious.
That's that. And oh, also
my TikTok, the North Sea.
That North Sea is so busy,
it has it's teaming with life.
The North Sea. There's
so much going on there,
so much going on there in the North Sea.
Now I'll tell you that my
TikTok also has something
even scarier.
I don't know if you've ever
ended up on the wrong side
of TikTok, but the first time
it happened to me, honey,
I was minding my own business.
And I was like, why is Kid
Rock on my algorithm right now?
What is he doing on my TikTok? If I
can see him,
Can he see me?
I was so fucking scared, you guys.
So many anti-trans Republican turf ass
people on my TikTok.
Now, last year I did an episode
of my podcast about trad wives.
If you don't know what trad wives are,
they are these like anti-vax evangelical.
I don't want to have a checkbook.
Everything was great in the 1940s.
And you know, it was probably
even great before that too.
Like way before that,
like watching their content is
like watching a fucking train
crash, fist fight in real life.
You can't not finish it.
So then a few months later
I do an episode about
gay Republicans.
Now my TikTok thinks I
am a fucking Republican.
So I am seeing all this alt right fucking
anti-trans Republican shit so often.
And when I see it, I can't turn it off.
I have to see what they say.
I wanna know what they're
talking about over there.
My algorithm has never fucking recovered.
But this is what I've learned
about the anti-trans people
who I have seen on my TikTok.
Now you go on a date with a Democrat
to a community theater
production of Beetlejuice,
which is how Julia Roberts character
and my best friend's wedding
would say, Beetlejuice.
And you rubbed your elbows on his penis.
You vaped next to a pregnant woman
and made out with this
man at a community theater
production of Beetlejuice.
And I am the threat to society.
I just don't fucking get it.
I just don't get it. Lauren.
Now, and whether you're Lauren
or you know, Pierce Morgan, you know,
'cause there's like the
anti-trans transatlantic folks.
You got your jks, your Pierce Morgans,
or whether you're on the American side
and you're like I said, you
know, Beetlejuice Bobert
or Marjorie Taylor or Matt Gaetz,
or I mean so many,
but here's what I've noticed about them.
That's all very similar.
They love gender affirming
care for themselves. Love it.
And my theory here is, is
that these anti-trans people
are coming from a place
of scarcity, a deep place of scarcity.
They're afraid that if
trans people can get access
to the healthcare that they need,
then there's not gonna be enough hormones
and, you know, fillers and
implants and hair plugs
and veneers for everyone.
And, and I just wanna let them
know that if there's anything
that we've learned about
the American medical system,
they're gonna take your money.
They're gonna find a
way to take your money.
So don't be afraid. Eric and
Kimberly, don't be afraid.
You can get your veneers
and your implants redone fat
transfer Brazilian butt lift
whatever you want, girl.
Calm down. Calm down.
The other thing I've noticed
about anti-trans people is
they tend to look like shit.
And I think the reason they
do tend to look like shit is
because when you talk,
when you talk shit about
that many queer people, we don't want
to be on your glam team.
You know? And then you look
like you're stuck in a perpetual
outlet Kohl's ad,
very generic, very, no one wanted
to buy you in the regular store.
That must be really hard. You know?
So that's, that's what I've
noticed about those folks.
The other thing that I've
noticed about Republicans
specifically, like, you
know, so the American side,
they have co-opted the idea
of patriotism in this country.
They have said that they're
the only fucking Patriots,
and I've got news for them.
I'm a fucking patriot,
you guys. I'm a patriot.
Picture it. I'm Georgina
Washington taking our troops
across the Delaware.
I'm a fucking patriot damnit.
And if I wasn't a patriot,
would I be willing
to suck Mitt Romney's dick
right here and right now?
Now, if there's any Republicans
out there tonight for some
fucking reason or watching at
home, I
know what you're thinking.
Well, Mitt Romney, that's a fucking rhino
Who wouldn't suck Fucking
Mitt Romney's dick.
You don't know what a rhino is.
That's a Republican in
name only mean He voted
to take Trump out of fucking
office, anybody would
suck his fucking dick.
Oh really?
Well, first of all, ever
since 2002 Salt Lake games,
when he stood out into that fucking arena
and those shoulder pads
and that black box die,
it's beautiful.
Mitt is stunning. And he always has been.
But it's not only him. Now,
before I say this joke,
I want to say this.
Do you remember at the
beginning of class when I said
that this was a shame-free zone?
So I want to say that, okay,
that one eyed war veteran Dan Crenshaw,
that fucking hair, that fucking eye patch.
Oh, those hands, oh fuck.
I have this fantasy with him, honey,
where we have made the
most like stunning love.
And he's like, no, no, like,
I want you to come first.
And I'm like, oh my God. Okay.
And then he is like,
come in my eye socket.
And I am like, Dan, is that safe?
We have to protect the
veterans of this country.
I'm a fucking patriot. Okay?
Now I know you wish that that
joke was over, but it's not.
It's not. It's just getting started.
Now, I should also say
before I say this person,
that I have this incredible ability.
It's, it's the last
vestige of the patriarchy
that lives within me.
And it's this uncanny
ability for me to be able
to divorce someone's
personality completely from
their physical form.
It's very manlike of me.
It's the only real manlike thing I can do.
I just, I just can, I just, I just
so please remember that
when I, when I tell you
who I'm also physically attracted
to in the Republican party, okay?
And I'd also like to say,
you know, this person likes
to talk a lot about biology.
And I would just like to say
that, let's talk about biology
because I'm biologically
attracted to your form.
Okay?
Senator Josh Hawley.
I shut up, shut up.
Shut your gay mouth. Let me explain.
I said, I don't like his policy.
It's a purely physical thing.
And this is what I, this is what I, I've,
I said I've spent a lot of
time on therapy in this,
you guys, I spent a lot of time,
and this is what I think it is.
It's the receding hairline
to Adam's apple ratio.
And I see a lot of our women being like,
it's gotten me a few times, you know,
but just stick with me.
I, I have this fantasy.
It's, it's Handmaid's tale,
but I am, I'm the lady in red.
I'm the, I'm the lady, I'm
the red lady. Just picture it.
I'm like, this
actually, no, I don't
wanna smash my curls.
So it's like,
No, it's, it's kinda like,
And then I'm like, Mitt,
flood my guts.
Yeah, flood 'em just full fucking
hurricane in there, you know?
And then Josh comes
around to take his turn
and he floods my guts.
Oh, and also, I should just say, I know
that consent is not a big
deal to so many Republicans,
but to me it is.
So I would only let them flood
my guts if they really wanted
to, you know, like, it's
only like if they wanted to,
you know, I'm like, not
making anybody flood my
fucking guts, you know?
But then afterwards I say,
Senator Hawley, get on the ground
because the bed's too squishy.
I'm sorry. Made, made such deep
and unrelenting eye contact
with you as I said that.
I'm so sorry. And then what I would do
with his Adam's apple is I would just sit
right over his face.
Just right.
You know how like the ISS
like the International Space
Station when like a shuttle docks with it
and it's like, it's like,
no, it'd be more like, no,
it'd be more like,
I would just like let my whole,
and I would take these,
these pesky heels off.
I would take these heels
off, so I would be flat
and I would just sit right over
his face like this, just so
that his adams apple
could just really tease
my hole, you know?
And, and I would just,
and then I would just kind
of go like this, and then
I would go like, like that.
And I would just go all around on it.
And I, Senator,
I'd be like, Senator, do you
support the equality act now?
Yeah. You guys fantasies are healthy.
It's good to have healthy
fantasies. It's good.
So look, social media,
you might run into a Republican on there.
It can be scary, but social
media is not all bad.
I did meet my husband,
stiff ginger dick on there.
Yes. So you might find a Republican,
you might find a husband,
you just don't know.
Hopefully not a Republican husband.
Are you ready for our next
lesson? Yes. Okay. Okay.
This one's really good. It's kind of deep.
It's really deep actually. Harm reduction.
Wow. Austin harm reduction.
Now I learned about
harm reduction in rehab
where I spent my 24th and 25th birthdays.
Now, not in succession
because I wasn't made of money,
you know, I did six weeks,
got way more fucked up,
got a couple more drugs
that I got a little bit more into.
And then I went back, I said, it's time
to take myself back to rehab.
So I went back to rehab.
Now, the rehabs that I went
to were those kinds of places
where there's like, you have
to be all the way sober.
Like sober.
We're not, we're not California
sober, we're not, you know,
we're not, there's no weed,
there's no fucking alcohol.
It's like there's, you have cigarettes
and coffee and that's it.
Okay? Now I'm non-binary.
And as a non-binary person,
anytime someone tells me
that there is like one
or two ways that you can do something,
I'm just immediately leery.
I just, I don't wanna do that.
I want to find kind of my own fucking way.
So, you know,
'cause when I went to
rehab, meth was going
to fucking kill me.
Weed. That shit wasn't gonna kill me.
Weed wasn't gonna kill me.
The meth that was gonna kill me, the weed
that wasn't gonna kill me.
So that's harm reduction
basically, in a, in a nutshell,
okay, that's harm reduction.
But that's not all I
learned about in rehab.
I learned, you know, 'cause
you gotta like do group
therapy in front of people.
You gotta like bare your fucking soul,
your deepest traumas in
front of like, strangers.
So I learned how to be honest in front
of people I've never met before.
I learned how to like, hold
space for people's pain
and like, really, listen,
I learned about breakfast.
You know, when you're doing a lot of meth,
you don't eat very much breakfast.
And once I did start eating
breakfast, I thought, wow,
I feel so much better.
It really is the most
important meal of the day.
No, what I, what I really learned in rehab
and what really changed my
life was they taught us how
to ask for help, but they
taught us in the most
fucked up way.
So if you can imagine, I've been up
for like three days, okay?
It's not a pretty place
when you've been up on meth
for three days, the voice in
my head had become a Russian
journalist's voice.
There was narrating
every move I made in this
like, weird Russian accent.
Now I know that you wish
that I could do that accent.
I cannot. It's only something I can
really think of in my head.
And, and every time I try to
do it just lets people down.
So I'm not going to, now
this is my fucking special.
So I'm not gonna, I'm
not gonna workshop the
Russian accent anymore.
I've been trying it in like
six countries, over 70 shows,
and I haven't figured it out yet.
But, but this Russian
accent's voice was very strong
and I was very scared.
And you know, I, I went to
rehab in rural Tennessee,
and literally when I got
there, they were like,
Hey, don't be afraid.
But there was like an ongoing
scabies outbreak here.
And I was like,
and you know, you have
to do all these tests
and you do physicals and
they test you for everything
and they, you know, make sure
that you're like, you know,
healthy enough to like be there.
And I go back to the cabin and
it sounds like a summer camp,
but really it, like, there
was like five cabins.
And I went back to my
cabin, I went to sleep,
and then I wake up the
next day, which, you know,
I got a good 15, 20 minutes of sleep.
It was, you know,
there was just enough
meth still in my system
to just keep me absolutely just,
you remember what was the
sister's name in Rugrats
that had like the really crazy hair?
Like, what was it again? Cynthia?
Yeah, I looked like Cynthia.
I was like Cynthia after a meth relapse.
And it was just, you know,
but a grownup Cynthia, who was like 25
and just hopelessly addicted to meth.
And so, you know, the first
morning they wake us up
and they're like, all right, so, you know,
today we're gonna have all
of you guys come outside
and we're gonna blindfold all of you,
and we're gonna have you put
your arms out on the person's
shoulders in front of you in the line,
and we're gonna walk you out
to a maze, a a rope maze.
We're gonna walk you out to a rope maze.
And I was like, come
again, a blindfolded maze.
And they were like, you'll
have an hour once you get there
to get out of the maze before it blows up.
And so I just
said, I miss my mom.
And they're like, no, no,
no, we're just kidding.
It's not gonna blow up.
It's not blowing up.
Like we just said that to be funny.
And I was like, that's not funny.
I'm still too sleep
deprived and high for that.
And I was like, can you know?
I was like, can I sit this out?
And they were like, no, you
know, your physicals were fine.
You're, you know, you're
gonna have to do it.
And so I was like, fuck me. So,
oh, and then they were like,
and the only rule is that
you can only whisper.
Like, you can't like talk out loud,
like you can only whisper.
And so I was like this, I
would rather fucking eat shit
and die twice than do this.
But they take us outside,
they put us in the
blindfolds, they line us up.
We're walking through this
fucking Tennessee fucking field
to go do this rope maze
blindfolded challenge.
And halfway over there, my
internal, like Michelle Kwan,
like my internal like competitive
drive, just like turns on.
And I'm just like, I'm
gonna show these other
fucking campers.
I'm gonna show these other addicts.
They've never fucking seen a tweaker.
Get out of a blindfolded
rope maze this fucking fast.
So when we got over to the maze
and you could like drop
your arms, I was like,
yeah, I was so fucking ready.
So like, 3, 2, 1, go.
So I just get in this rope maze
and I'm, Nope,
nope, you guys,
as the minutes go by, I hear like less
and less feet shuffling around.
Less and less, less
and less, less and less feet.
So in my head I'm like,
all right, it's cool.
Like, I'm not gonna be on the podium.
Like, like I'm not gonna be
top three in this competition,
but I could still get top 10, you know?
So I'm hustling and hustling.
I cannot find a fucking
way out of this maze.
And I'm freaking out.
And the, I always wanna say
camp counselor at this point,
but he's like the therapist
who was like running
like the show that day.
He was like, you know, I hear him,
he's like three minutes left.
And I'm frantic.
Like I hear, I feel like I'm
the only steps at this point.
Like I don't hear anybody else's steps.
And I'm like, I can't
be the only one who's
left in this maze.
And there was like 50
people in my rehab, okay?
Like, there's, so I'm, I'm sensing
that I'm the only one in the maze.
And so then he is like 3, 2, 1.
I stand up, I rip off my fucking blindfold
and I look up, there's 50 people,
I guess 49 excluding me,
just staring at my frazzled
ass, sweating, crying.
I definitely was like talking to myself.
I was like asking the Russian
voice to please be quiet
and leave me alone.
The, the voice was like, oh my god,
Vladimir doesn't like losers
and like, you're gonna
fucking, you know, like, no,
I was so scared.
And so then I, I stopped
and I turn around and I look at this maze.
There's no, there's no
way out of this maze
there, there's no way out of this maze.
And that fucking camp
counselor walked up to me
and he was like,
this maze is a metaphor
for addiction.
There is no way out
unless you raise your hand
and ask for help.
What the fuck for these prices
crashing off meth
Blindfolded.
You could have just said,
it's very important to ask
for help to quit doing meth
Tennessee scabies outbreak.
Okay? Only way is to
raise your fucking hand.
Fuck you.
Harm reduction doesn't
only stop with drugs,
it also applies to sex.
Now in my twenties, my
formative years, my teens,
my twenties, if someone sent
me a dick pic from like,
you know, via like a homing pigeon
or like the Pony Express,
it's actually much worse
than both of those things.
It was through an email from someone
that I'd met on an AOL
gay twenties chat room.
You remember, you were there.
See, when you're a young
queer person in a rural place,
getting dick is a full fucking time job.
All right? First of all,
this is in the PG era,
which is pre grinder.
We only had gay.com
and where I come from, there was four
of us in a 300 mile radius.
If you did meet someone
whose dick, you could suck.
You would have to print off the directions
off of something called you
remember 3, 2, 1, MapQuest
MapQuest to find your dick
appointment.
Which is why when these gen Zers have
the audacity to make
fun of our skinny jeans
and our side parts, I say,
you have no idea what
we fucking went through.
You have no fucking idea. You rude ass
Fucking MapQuest.
Now, I mean what I say,
unless you are a Gen Zer
who is here tonight
Hello? Yes, thank you.
If you are a Gen Z person who's
here, thank you. I love you.
I did not mean that when I said
that about you guys 'cause
you guys have a clue.
So I just wanna say that I love you and
'cause you're so important
to the future of this country
and the future of my career.
So I just wanna say thank
you for coming tonight.
Thank you for watching Gen Z.
If you are a thank you,
thank you, thank you. Yes.
But for most of you on
TikTok, I just wanna say that
you could just realize where,
you know, we went through it.
The thing is, is that
because I didn't have good sex education,
when I would get one of these dick pics
and someone would show interest
in me, my first instinct was
to just have them come inside me.
You know? And then I got HIV. Wow.
I haven't felt the air
leave a room like that
since I was in Sydney,
Australia, in front of a crowd
of 3000 people.
At my last hour, my last
little show that I did,
I had this joke, it was like 2022.
And I had this joke where
I said, I'm HIV positive.
This was my second pandemic.
And much like that eerie quiet
that descended over the room just a moment
ago, that's what happened.
But it was much worse 'cause
there was 3000 people there
and you really could
just hear a pin drop just
and see, when you try a joke
and it bombs in front of
that many people, you have
to think on your feet.
So you know what I did?
I said, Hey, I'm sorry,
did you not understand me?
I said, I'm HIV positive.
This was my second pandemic.
And then I went, gimme a
H, H gimme an I,
I gimme a V,
V.
What's that spell HIV.
We proceeded to chant
HIV HIV
for a good three or four rounds
before I looked out at the crowd
and I said, what the
fuck's wrong with you?
And more importantly,
what's wrong with me?
So yeah, whenever I tell
that story about, you know,
contracting, HIV like to do
that little Sydney story so
that you guys have permission to laugh
because that's what comedy is.
It's making jokes of things that would
otherwise make you fucking cry.
Yes, that's what it's for you guys.
That's what it's for.
Here's the other lesson I would
say that I'd like to talk about.
I frequently get asked
like how do you stay
so positive in the face of
so much antiqueer legislation,
just antiqueer sentiment.
Like how do you stay positive?
Well, the answer's always the same.
And it comes from this
place within me that is so
full of hope but anger at the same time.
And you know, it's three words
and it's grand theft auto.
You know, when I feel hopeless,
when I feel angry at the world
around me, I don't get angry.
I get on GTA.
Okay, I know what your thinking.
You didn't know that
non-binary people play GTA.
Well we do, unlike our
cisgender counterparts,
we don't assume the gender of
someone before we murder them.
That's the biggest difference.
We just kill everybody.
We don't stop to think about
who you are, where you're from.
We just mow you all down
because that's what you're
supposed to do on GTA.
Now, I should also tell you
that as a former sex worker,
this bit feels very therapeutic for me.
I just want you to remember that.
So this is how I approach
my strategy on GTA.
first thing I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna steal a car.
Then what I would do is I would go
and I would run over as many
sex workers as possible.
You may think that's cruel,
but the reason that I did that is
because sex workers have a lot more cash
than their civilian
pedestrian counterparts.
And I needed more cash
to get better weapons,
to kill more cops.
Yes. Now if you are
like a Blue Lives Matter
person, and you are very, if that, if
that joke brought up some
complicated feelings for you,
I just want to say I did
not invent the rules of GTA,
don't hate the player hate the game.
Okay? I did not invent
it. I didn't invent it.
Now for the uninformed, GTA
is based off of Los Angeles
and it's in this fictionalized version
of Los Angeles called Los Santos.
And it really is just so fun.
And I, and I was targeting this
sex workers, I'll be honest,
until my girlfriend
said, leave them alone.
Let them thrive. Let
them build their business
because the real money is in the missions.
You guys, the missions honey.
So then I started like
I never was like reading
what the game was saying
in those little boxes.
I didn't understand.
Once I started doing the boxes, honey,
it like had me open up this weed farm
and I started getting
money hand over fist honey.
Like I was making so much
money off this weed farm.
Then I opened like a dance
club, like a nightclub.
And I took really good care of mine.
Like it was five stars on
Yelp line around the block.
Like I was making so much
money. Like I had a great dj.
It was like people loved
my fucking club on GTA,
it was the place to be.
Then I was like, well how
can I get more money honey,
because this tank, there's this tank
that it's undetectable on the radar.
Now I don't like it that, you know,
they're co-opting undetectable.
I feel like that's my thing. But you know,
but that's, you know, but that's okay.
You know, they can do it on the gaming.
So, so there's this, there's this tank.
It's undetectable on the radar.
So if you're playing like public GTA,
you can just like fucking
like, and there's someone
that you can tell you don't
like their screen name.
It's like fucking MAGA 24 or whatever.
You just fucking like, you can stalk them
and your little tank that's undetectable
and you just fucking kill
them over and over and over.
You just mercilessly hunt
them down until they leave
that public room.
You chase 'em out of there,
you chase 'em outta Los Santos.
So then I did my cocaine operation
'cause I really needed like
the better version of that tank
that's a little bit bigger.
Then it had me do an acid lab.
And I will say that acid, this one time,
it really helped me with my PTSD.
So I was just like, okay, like
let's help the cocaine addicts
that you're stringing out
with your cocaine thing with the acid lab.
This is great. You're balancing the world.
This is like really
good. You're doing good.
You're leaving Los Santos
better than you found it
until the game one day
said open up a meth lab
trigger.
All of a sudden it was major trigger city.
You know, I grew up getting exposed
to this like ultra ultra evangelical woman
and she was always
talking about the enemy.
And she would listen to Joyce Meyer,
this fierce little short, pixie haired,
redheaded fucking televangelist.
And she would wear these knee pads
and she would just like wash
the fucking floor at the church
listening to fucking Joyce Meyer.
And she would tell me, she'd
say, the enemy will come
for you in so many ways.
And when I saw that meth message
on that TV screen, I said,
so I had to say goodbye
GTA, I left it in the past,
it was too dark, it was too triggering.
And I said, hello Fortnite.
It's a much brighter, more
bright murderous game.
I do regret to inform you true story.
Three weeks ago I got
home from brunch at noon
and then when I looked at my
phone again it was 8:30
I, I played Fortnite for eight hours.
I can't believe I didn't get bed sores.
So I'm working on that in therapy.
Next, I will let you know at
our next class how that goes.
It's, you know, work in progress.
Progress, not perfection.
That's what they say. Yes, yes, yes.
But if you are feeling like
rageful angry, you know,
you wanna just fucking go off
on someone, don't get angry.
Get the GTA. It will help. It
will help. Take that with you.
For what it's worth. Our next lesson,
I know I said it's like about
joy and it's about sexuality,
but I look like this.
And I live in Texas.
Alright? I live in Texas.
I live in Texas. It's cute,
we love Texas in so many ways,
but it's also kinda scary.
So what I do is I listen to a lot
of true crime podcasts.
My favorite is morbid.
It's so good you guys.
It's such a good fucking podcast.
My theory on True Crime
podcasts is, is that if I listen
to everyone I can get my fucking hands on,
then no one's gonna be able to murder me
because I'm gonna see their
fucking shenanigans from
a mile away.
I've seen all this shit before.
I know what to do, I know what to do.
So it's helping me know
how to keep myself safe.
It's also making me very hypervigilant.
Very hypervigilant.
Okay, prior to moving to Texas,
I've always been very anti-gun.
And I still am anti-gun.
Yes, but I'm scared, honey.
I mean, my neighbor two doors down,
just put up a fucking Ted Cruz sign.
Ah. So sometimes even though
I am anti-gun, I do wish
that I was a gun.
Like I wish I could just
chit just ch ch just stop it,
you know, gun heel, you know, like,
ooh, ooh, no, like a fem bot.
Stay away. No.
'cause I would be such a
responsible gun owner if
they were in my breasts.
Like I would just only take it
out if I really felt scared.
Now I'd be responsible about it.
But my husband's British
and he really does not
understand our gun culture.
Like we are not a gun house.
We're not gonna have guns.
We can't have guns. 'cause
my fucking husband, if for up
to me, I'd be in like
the pink rainbow fucking
gun club right now.
Okay? But I'm not because
my husband won't let me.
So that leads us to the morbid.
They told me about this man on
the podcast called Pure Power
3 1 4.
I think I should really look.
It's pure power something.
You'll find him. He's an ex-cop
who lives in Florida, who is
so in my arousal template, he's like 55.
He's like addicted to bronzer
and he kind of looks like a bald,
more muscular Paul Hollywood from Bakeoff.
But again, just like so much bronzer,
like these piercing blue eyes.
And, but that's not,
'cause I'm pretty sure
he is a Trump supporter,
but obviously, you know that that's not
a deal breaker for me.
Like physically, you know, from before.
But what really made me fall
head over heels butt crazy in
love with this man is
that he's open about his
ozempic journey.
Like every third video is
about like his ozempic.
And I'm just like,
that's so sweet.
I just love like a big
ex cop who's like, yeah,
I'm on Ozempic.
I didn't think that that was
gonna be like a series on his
TikTok that would work so well.
But it, it really does.
But anyway, pure power 3 1 4 honey,
he's really pro taser.
He's like, if you're not
into guns, like get tasers.
So now I have tasers all
over the fucking house,
every room, the garage, my
car, my bedroom, my salon room,
my content capture room.
I have fucking tasers everywhere.
And you would never know
that they're tasers.
I have, I have tasers
that look like iPhones.
I have a taser that
looks like a flashlight.
It's kind of this size, but
it looks like a flashlight.
But it's incredible
'cause I can go like this
and it like becomes four feet long
so you can keep the perp
like four feet away.
And actually I'm pretty sure
this taser could kill like a
cow, a moose, a large
deer, potentially a person.
Like, I don't, I don't
know how legal it is.
It like, it came from like
this place, from this person
who knows someone who knows someone.
It's like, it's like a kill you taser.
And I, I love it though.
'cause I just, it's in my house
and I can just get a fucking away from
me, you know?
Really like tasers.
But we keep a few in our bedside table
and my husband is kind of,
you know, he's British.
Like I said, like they like to play
with your hole in the middle
of the night sometimes.
Like, I don't, you know,
I didn't make the rules.
Like he just, he like,
because it is not like, it's
like very like consensual.
It's very like, beautiful.
But sometimes I'm just like,
my God, someone playing
with my hole, you know?
And so, and he likes toys.
Like he likes the little toys.
He's like into like toys in my hole.
And you know, it's, I get it.
Like my hole's like really pretty.
It's like, he's like just,
it's, I I I just have one
of those holes that's just like, put a,
put something in there, you know?
That's what my hole says. You know?
It's just like, it's like,
it's like, it's like, you know,
it's like, it's like, like put
something in here, you know?
Yeah. It's almost like an
Enya song, you know, put,
you know.
But I'm so scared
because if he, if like one wrong move,
if he just takes his finger
to the wrong thing in there,
I just feel like I, I could just,
don't tase my hole babe.
Don't tase my hole.
Don't tase my hole. Don't do it.
Don't tase my hole. No,
but that's the thing that
the True Crime podcast,
they are making me really
hypervigilant you guys.
We, we have five cats
and we have three dogs
and they, they make a lot
of noise at night, you know,
they're fucking animals.
And every time if I hear anything,
I'm a very light sleeper.
If I hear anything, I'm just
violently shaking my husband awake.
Wake up, wake up, they're
fucking here. It's go time.
I get the taser, wake the
fuck up, mark. They're here.
It's go time. No, I'll stay
in here with the animals.
You go see who it is.
I'm like, fucking Jody
Foster in panic room.
No, but it's scary because
when you've listened
to enough True crime podcasts, you realize
the call is usually coming from
inside the house.
My sweet British husband, he kind
of looks like he kinda looks
like fucking Prince Harry.
You know that feeling when
you're trying to go to sleep,
but someone's like watching you.
So my husband will just be,
and I'll just be thinking
about these fucking episodes
of True Crime podcasts
where some fucking piece
of shit husband murdered his fucking wife.
And I will just be staring
at my husband like,
are you gonna kill
Me?
Fucker.
He wakes up.
Oh my gosh, what
what? you guys
He's not gonna kill me.
Mostly because, well, to be honest,
when you're living with HIV,
you can't have a life insurance
policy taken out on you.
So if he murders me, how's he
gonna maintain this lifestyle?
Not very well, honey.
Yeah. I mean, it's crazy
'cause when you think about it, HIV
saved my life.
Yeah.
- Austin,
- You
guys have been so incredible tonight.
I wanna leave you with one
last thing, one last thing,
which is this one last
thing, which is this,
it's the most important lesson.
You do not have to lose yourself
or change yourself to
be loved by anyone else.
I love you guys so much.
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.
Austin, you've been incredible.
I love you. I love you.
I love you. Thanks for coming out.
Thanks for sharing your energy.
I hope you enjoyed your
fun and slutty 1 0 1.
I love you Austin, get home safe.
- Thank you so much. You look
amazing. You all look amazing.
Get home safe. Don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
Get home safe. I love you
guys. You guys look amazing.
It's good to see you. Bye guys. Love you.