Funny About Love (1990) Movie Script

Here you are.
- Make it out to you?
- No, for my cousin Loretta.
Could you sign "with love"?
- Excuse me.
- This is terrific, isn't it?
He's very talented. And funny.
This is a notion
Duffy and I kicked around.
- It matured into this.
- You work with him?
No, I'm a paediatrician.
But I am his best friend.
We went to college together.
- I'd love to meet him.
- Let me have your number.
I'll see what I can do.
Being a cartoonist
is the hardest job in the world.
No, that title has to go
to Noriega's dermatologist.
Very funny!
Excuse me, excuse me.
Duffy, Duffy. That redhead
over there, she's a big fan.
- Really wants you to call.
- Spare me. I can't go through that.
- Don't you want to meet women?
- Not the way you do.
You use a spear gun and I use a net.
I don't fall for every woman
I make eye contact with.
- Do you mind if I use this?
- Be my guest.
Somebody was Wendy's friend.
Thank you.
- What is this?
- Your cappuccino.
You think this is cappuccino?
Taste it!
- Don't start.
- Mr Celebrity, you want another cup?
No. Could I meet
the person who made it?
- This way.
- Thank you. Excuse me.
A little emergency just came up.
I'll be right back. Don't go away.
- It's just a cup of coffee.
- It's not just a cup of coffee.
Excuse me. Hello!
Hello, folks. Excuse me.
Who is the Bulgarian bear wrestler
who made this?
- I'm the Bulgarian bear wrestler.
- This is delicious.
- Oh?
- Really wonderful coffee.
- He said he hates the coffee.
- This guy!
I said I hate the coughing!
It was driving me nuts.
You can breathe in stuff, you get colds.
The coffee was sensational.
Oh, thanks. I'm so flattered.
Why don't you have some more?
- No, no.
- I insist.
- A nice big cup.
- Oh, boy! Thank you.
Oh, my. Gosh. Thank you.
Oh, you can just...
- Nice aroma!
- Yeah.
- How do you do this?
- It's my little secret.
- Don't tell anyone.
- No, I won't.
You don't want the word to get out
about this stuff. Oh, no.
- Duff, they need you out there.
- I have to go to work now.
- What a shame. So do I.
- Could I talk with you later?
Finish your cappuccino
and then we'll see.
I would like to talk with you.
- I'll be busy.
- You mean working?
No, I'm taking my private jet
to St Moritz for the skiing.
Duffy, there are people waiting for you.
Last one. Good night, everybody.
Good night. Take care.
- Are you cooking tomorrow night?
- Yes, I'll be there, 8.00. Good night.
Hey! Yo!
Hey! Hey, lady!
Wait a second. Hello, there!
Do you ski here often?
Yeah, once in a while.
I came to see if I could ski you home.
Hold on one second.
Don't go away. I want to apologise.
Please! I brought you a present.
Look. Here, taste this, will you?
Give this a little taste.
- Tell me what you think.
- Why are you dressed like this?
- I'm going to St Moritz.
- Oh. Yeah, right.
That's pretty good.
- How did you make this?
- Tell me your name.
- Tell me how you did this.
- It's easy.
You have an automatic coffee grinder.
You put it on a 1.8 setting.
You have to have a rich, heavy coffee.
You can't use some dumb
Costa Rican/Haitian blend.
The milk has to be room temperature,
otherwise the machine takes so long
heating up that you burn the coffee.
That's all. Coffee's important to me.
- This is really quite amazing.
- So you'll tell me your name?
- Meg. Meg Lloyd.
- Meg? Very short.
That's a very short name.
- This party was for you, right?
- Yeah.
- Do you like a fuss made over you?
- Sometimes. Don't you?
No, I'm from Maine.
We don't need much to keep us happy.
Lobster every now and then.
How did you know that I used
a Costa Rican/Haitian blend?
- What are you doing on Thursday?
- Thursday? Oh, shoot!
- I have a date.
- With who?
With you.
Next on Live With Regis And Kathie Lee,
controversial cartoonist Duffy Bergman!
What was the comic strip
that Mr Hatcher wouldn't run?
The president of the NRA with
a sign: "Guns don't kill children.
"Children kill children."
That was satire.
A hunter with a smoking gun
between his legs is satire?
We feel we were simply
exercising good taste.
Exercising good taste?
What is that? Is that Alistair Cooke
on a treadmill machine?
Is Jesse Helms in good taste?
Are legal assault guns
used by drug lords in good taste?
Polluted fish in the Great Lakes
taste good?
The only thing I know
that is 100% good taste
is Ben & Jerry's Vanilla Ice Cream
with crushed HEATH Bars.
That's good taste!
And they told me he was shy!
We'll be back.
- That was terrific.
- Honest?
- Yeah.
- Good.
Tomorrow I'm going to quit the strip
and finish my musical.
- Wait a second. You're quitting?
- Yeah.
- Did you think I went overboard?
- On the show? No, it was great.
- They told me to be animated.
- You didn't disappoint them.
- But...?
- But nothing.
I see that twinkle in your eye.
- What?
- Tell me.
- It's nothing.
- What?
I just don't get
what you're trying to do here.
It seems to me that your strip
is getting more popular, right?
- Yeah.
- You love doing it, right?
- I do.
- Here comes this guy Thatcher...
- Thanks.
- Hatcher.
Hatcher supports you 99% of the time.
- 95.
- He objects to just one storyline.
- Right?
- Yeah.
I don't get why you want
to throw this away, unless...
Unless...? Unless? Unless?
- Never mind.
- Unless what?
You're self-indulgent and childish!
Yes, I am.
You want to play house with me?
- Hi.
- Welcome to my house.
Thank you.
I made you a little something.
I thought we might get hungry.
Perfect! I got something for you, too.
- Wait right here.
- What?
- Don't look till I say when.
- OK, OK, OK. What?
Now look.
- It's wonderful.
- Really? You really like it?
Oh, it's... What is it?
Well, I call it
Flying Angel Coming to Cook for Me.
It's great.
This is a great place.
Have you always lived here alone?
- No, I was married for a while.
- Really? What happened?
That good, huh?
I was married for three years.
- What happened?
- It was all my fault.
I just couldn't get along with
the other woman he was seeing.
- That's funny.
- Thanks.
Sure, sure! That's all right.
You go on, Rudy, have a good time.
Don't you worry about me,
just 'cause I'm blind and deaf...
- Sh, sh.
- Don't worry about me.
- I'll make out all right.
- It's OK.
Of course. It's perfect.
- Is it my birthday?
- Every day is your birthday.
Oh, look!
Oh, it's great!
Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry I'm late.
The plane was circling for 45 minutes.
- I know. I called the airport.
- Forgive me.
I know how important this is to you.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
It's OK. Don't worry.
We'll do it next month.
Do you know how cute you look
with your hair wet like that?
- Everything was perfect.
- Yep.
Your eggs were right,
temperature was just right.
I have an idea.
It just hit me.
- Why don't we do it anyway?
- The doctor said to try around noon.
- It's 4.15.
- So what?
Maybe your eggs are on California time.
Is that not possible?
Oh, all right. Come on.
Worst thing that can happen,
we'll have two hours
of incredible, unreproductive sex.
Work, work, work! All I do is work!
It's a dirty job,
but somebody's got to do it.
Take off your clothes.
This shouldn't hurt.
It's nobody's fault, Mr Bergman.
have difficulty conceiving.
- But it can't be nobody's fault.
- Duffy, come on.
You're saying it's my fault
we can't have a baby.
- I didn't say it was your fault.
- I want the answer to a question.
Mr Bergman,
could I ask you a question?
- Yes.
- Are you sure you want a child?
Am I sure I want a child?
You mean, do I want to have a baby?
Excuse me, Dr Benjamin,
could we just have a few moments?
Of course.
- Just let me know when you're ready.
- Thanks.
- OK. What's going on?
- You're not going to like it.
Come on, come on.
Open those lips and tell me.
- Come on.
- I'm scared.
You're scared?
What are you scared of?
I'm scared that if we have a baby,
I won't get the hugs and the kisses
and all the holding that I'm used to.
Oh, Duffy.
Oh, honey.
I've got so many kisses
and so many hugs.
I've got, like, a trillion of them.
There's plenty to go around.
Now we'll start on some tests.
Some tests? What kind of tests?
Multiple choice? Essays?
Do I need a number-two pencil?
Maybe I have a number-two pencil.
You have a wonderful,
giant redwood tree of a pencil.
- She said it.
- Let him do this.
The woman knows. What's happening?
It's an auditory monitor
of your scrotal activity.
Oh, I thought maybe you were lonely.
Would you like to listen to your testicles?
- Who wouldn't?
- I would.
I just plug the stethoscope
into these speakers.
I flick this switch...
Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!
I laughed at love
'cause I thought it was funny
- Just a joke, Mr Bergman.
- Is that what it was?
- How amusing!
- I'm trying to get you to relax.
Yes, I feel much better now.
Thank you, Doctor.
- You want my sperm in this cup?
- That's right, Mr Bergman.
- Good luck.
- We'll wait outside.
Wait a minute!
You make this sound easy.
I've never done this before.
- Come, come, Mr Bergman.
- You want me to do it twice?
We'll be here all day.
I deal in quality, not quantity.
- What do you want, a quart?
- Excuse us.
- Duff...
- It's not so easy.
Come here, come here.
I think maybe we should try to work
on this together. What do you say?
Is this business or pleasure?
Intense heat can kill
the reproductive quality in sperm.
- Have you been in a hot tub?
- At my health club. How do you know?
All your sperm
are wearing terry-cloth robes.
- There he goes again.
- Very funny.
All we need to do is lower
the temperature of your sperm.
- This should do the trick.
- What the heck...?
- What's this little pocket for?
- Ice.
- You're doing fine.
- I look silly.
- Here, climb on.
- No, go away!
Come here, come here. Here.
I really think this is the one,
the love of my life.
I'm so delighted, Hugo.
You don't know her last name?
She is vague about personal details,
but I think this is normal
in the Witness Protection Program.
Sorry I'm so late. I had to wait
for the boss to approve my apple crisp.
- How did you do?
- I got a gold star.
Why did I ask?
It's excellent!
You are so good in the kitchen.
- Thanks.
- The bedroom, I don't know.
- Ma!
- Adele!
Did I offend
the sensitive Bergman men?
Hold your tongue once in a while.
It's only in your cartoons that people
may speak without being censored.
No one's censoring you.
"Hold your tongue!" Did anyone hear
that? How about Mr Lonely Hearts?
- I was chewing.
- We're trying, OK?
- Try a little harder.
- Is it a question of velocity?
- Shut up about babies!
- Pardon me for wanting a grandchild!
- You're talking to your mother.
- She likes confrontation.
- You're darn right.
- You want us to do it right here?
- Why not?
- I'll move the bagels and the lox.
- Missionary or the usual?
- The usual. They get a better view.
If it's like our usual,
I don't want to see it!
- How about this, Ma? A grandkid!
- Put your pants back on!
Wait a second! We can't try
any harder to have a baby, OK?
Our staff will show you how to do this.
You give Meg these shots every day
to boost her production of eggs.
- I'm surprised at how calm I am.
- Honey, you can do it.
Come on, it's a snap.
- Here we go.
- OK.
No problem.
Nice and clean.
Almost done, almost done.
Done! I'm sorry, honey.
- Did it hurt?
- No, I liked it. Do it again.
- One more time.
- Yeah. No, no!
This is as far as you go, Mr Bergman.
- See you in a little while.
- Good luck.
Sure. Don't you worry about me.
I'll be swell.
Go on, have a good time.
Don't give me another thought.
There's your cup, Mr Bergman.
Turn on the red light when you're
done, and please wash your hands.
Oh, I'm sorry!
I thought this room was empty.
- Is that the July issue?
- Get out of here.
Honey, help me.
Meg, help me, please.
I got an egg.
How does it look?
It's good.
You must have been a beautiful baby
You must have been a wonderful child
When you were only startin'
To go to kindergarten
I bet you drove the little boys wild
And when it came
to winning blue ribbons
You must have shown
the other kids how
I can see the judges' eyes
As they handed you the prize
I bet you made the cutest bow
Oh! You must have been
a beautiful baby
'Cause, baby, look at you now
I made you a batch of cappuccino.
- Batch?
- Yep.
Wow, thanks.
Yow! This is it! This is the best
cappuccino you've ever made.
- On a scale from one to ten?
- Eight to eight and a half.
- Really?
- Serious.
What's the matter with your eye?
- Nothing.
- Why is your eye twitching?
- I have a lash caught in my eye.
- No.
I can't believe you're lying to me.
Jesus! I can't even make
a stupid cup of cappuccino.
- I can't make anything.
- You make stuff all the time.
What's going on? What's happening?
I got my period, Duff.
I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I can't make a baby.
You've got to stop beating yourself up
like this. It's no good.
- Let's just forget about kids.
- I can't.
I've always had a thing about kids.
I can't imagine not having them.
Well, let's just postpone it,
get our minds off this thing.
Let's think about our careers.
Easy for you to say. You have a career.
Didn't The Village Voice
just put you in the comic pantheon?
What am I in? I'm in the kitchen
cooking with six illegal aliens.
- I'm not even good at it.
- What's coming out of those lippers?
Are you crazy?
You're a sensational chef.
You're the only American chef
who's cooking American.
I see you one day
in the frying pan-theon.
- I really do! What about...?
- No, wait. No twitching.
No twitching. What about the guy who
wants you as chef of his restaurant?
Was he looking for no talent?
Call him, get this show on the road.
- You mean Caf Pretentious Name?
- Sotto Voce is pretentious to you?
Do you know how big a commitment
that job is? It's 18-hour days.
Six, sometimes seven days a week.
We couldn't fit sex in, let alone a baby.
- So we'll wait.
- For the baby.
Tell him you'll take the job.
- I don't think I can do it.
- You can do it!
Say I said that you make the best
cappuccino in the United States.
- It's twitching.
- What's going on with the lights?
I think we blew a fuse.
Help! Call the super.
This is what I'm talking about.
How could you do this?
I owe him my career.
Don't you remember working for him,
canvassing with me?
I remember being on Columbus Avenue
in winter without a scarf.
That's a reason to destroy his life?
While I'm working for him?
- You shouldn't work so hard.
- I wouldn't if we had grandchildren.
- Vivian has three adorable kids.
- Two! Roger's a little shit.
He's not a little shit.
Oh, you're kidding! Oh, my God!
I don't believe this!
They don't make this any more!
Meg's been trying to get this stove
for two months. I'll be right back.
I want to tell her
what's written on the crate.
Go ahead. I'll be here
with my head in the oven.
- What is this for? The bedroom?
- Hey, lady, get out of there!
Would you move?
Hello, it's me, your husband.
Have you got a pen or a pencil handy?
Write this down.
Calleverde Brothers, lmporters.
Yeah. 'Cause that's what it says
on the side of the crate.
What have we been searching for
for two months? Yes, positive.
I'm sure of it,
because it's got the little white...
- It wasn't my fault!
- Ma!
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
I just can't get over the way she...
Well, I guess she died
the way she lived.
- Like Wile E Coyote?
- Oh, Duffy, would you stop that?
That was a very nice talk
you gave at the service.
What did I say?
How Mom was always in a hurry,
couldn't wait.
She managed to get death over with
just like that, one fell swoop.
- It was good.
- I miss her already.
Jakey! Oh, honey.
Get out of here, Roger.
Roger, hey, come with me, buddy.
Oh, it's OK, honey. It's OK.
Don't cry, don't cry.
Please! It's just water.
It's not going to hurt you.
Please don't cry.
You're going to make me cry.
Oh, Duff.
I know, I know.
Four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven.
Roger, you're a little shit!
Roger, honey, come here
and give Mommy a kiss.
The hobgoblins came down the hill
and made their camp on the shore.
At the bottom of the lake there lived a...
- Bear.
- A bear! Right!
With a lot of fantastic
scuba-diving equipment
and a great big spear gun
so he could hunt for the...
- Junk.
- The junk?
- The junk?
- The lake has junk, Uncle Duffy.
That's right. You're right, Jakey.
It's sad but true.
You are the most incredible kidlet,
and you're not even ticklish!
Are you?
- Oh, he is!
- I want one.
- What?
- I want one of those.
I want us to try and have a baby again.
- What?
- I know. I'm breaking my word.
I want you to be happy and do exactly
what you want and you are doing that.
I said, "We can wait." But I'm a liar.
I lied. I should be
somebody's press secretary.
Whoa, wait a second, Duffy. I can't.
I can't go through all that again
right now. We agreed to wait.
How many more years do you think
you can have a child?
OK, we'll do it.
You don't mean that.
You're just saying that.
No, I do. I just...
- I don't know.
- Maybe it would work.
- They said it was very possible.
- OK.
- OK, we'll try again.
- You won't hate me for it?
- I'll hate you, but we can try.
- As long as we can try.
That's the only thing I care about.
- Your own champagne.
- Oh, my God!
- And your own...
- What? Restaurant?
- Sotto Voce.
- My own restaurant! Oh, Ellis!
- Really?
- One condition.
- Behave, Ellis.
- No chops, no fries, no apple crisp.
You must stick to the Sotto Voce menu.
- It's a deal.
- Bravo.
Happy Fourth of July.
- Hello?
- Hello? Duff? Hi.
I thought you'd be home by now.
Something's come up, honey.
Do you remember Ellis Hayden?
Yes, you do. Ellis is one
of the partners in Sotto Voce.
He's editor of Glare Magazine.
Go ahead. Ellis Hayden.
Well, anyway,
Ellis is giving me Sotto Voce.
He's making me head chef.
Isn't that unbelievable?
It happened, just like you said.
We're celebrating.
I thought we were celebrating
the birth of the nation
with our own birth thing.
Yeah, we were, honey, but...
I'm ovulating.
I think my temperature's perfect.
OK, you're right.
I'll just ease my way out of here.
I'll make up some excuse.
Wait a minute. You only get
your first restaurant once in your life.
We've got a million nights like this
in our lives.
Honey, you'd tell me if it wasn't OK.
Sure, sure, it's all right.
- Listen...
- Duffy, I love you.
Well, I like you very much.
- Bye.
- Bye.
At 12 o'clock, Claire's bringing lunch.
My kids are going to come...
- Hi.
- Good to see you both.
Come on in.
This isn't going to take long.
I have some documents for you to sign
that pertain to your mother's estate.
Couldn't this have waited
until dinner tomorrow night?
I'm sorry, dear,
but I have plans for tomorrow night.
- What kind of plans?
- I'm seeing someone.
You're seeing someone?
- That's right.
- What about Mom?
Mom's dead.
What kind of question is that?
Show a little patience.
These things are difficult for children.
I wouldn't be concerned, Viv.
We're not even serious... yet.
Well, I guess it's all right
if you want to bring your date.
I'm sorry, honey,
but we're going away for the weekend.
Going away? Claus von Blow didn't
work this fast. Who is this woman?
Her name is Claire.
She's a recruiter here at the firm.
- Are you seeing anybody else?
- No.
- Is that so surprising?
- You've narrowed down to one woman.
I pictured you taking
on the whole League of Women Voters.
Kids, I found I don't like living alone.
I'm not used to it.
I hate it.
So what would you have me do?
- Hire a maid.
- To sleep with?
You sleep with her?
You mean...? You mean...?
Duffy, I know it's hard for you to accept,
but she makes me happy.
Because you're happy
is a good reason to be content?
Hi. Oh, I'm sorry, Emil.
I didn't realise you were with clients.
- Emil? Emil!
- Oh, come on in.
Say hello to Duffy and Vivian.
Kids, this is Claire Raskin.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hi. So, have you two
been married long?
Till the birth of our idiot child.
- Then we were forced to break up.
- But you told me Duffy was married.
I did. Duffy is my son.
Vivian is my daughter.
- I'm Duffy.
- I'm Vivian.
So you're not married?
No, they are. Vivian's married to Steve.
Duffy is married to Meg.
At least, I think he is.
OK. Now I've got it straight.
For a conversation like this,
we could have kept Mom on life support.
It's almost like a curse, you know,
that great review in The Times.
We've been overbooked
every single night.
These people are
so unbelievably demanding.
Oh, and did I tell you?
More great news.
The matre d' got offered a new job.
I shouldn't be taking this week
at the Vineyard.
What do you mean, this week?
I thought it was three weeks.
A whole fertile period.
I thought we agreed to try.
I can't run a restaurant
without a matre d'.
Last month, I thought we agreed to try.
- We agreed not to push for a baby.
- I changed my mind. I'm sorry.
I didn't know
I was going to have a restaurant.
- So we can't have a baby?
- No, I'm not saying that.
You said,
"Let's forget about babies for now."
You convinced me
to concentrate on my career.
- I didn't think it was either/or.
- It's just bad timing.
When is it good timing? You tell me!
I have a really great idea.
I'll give up the restaurant.
- Is that what you think I want?
- Yeah. That's fine. I'll give it up.
It's hot in here! Who buys a car
these days without air conditioning?
I'm in traffic. You going to buy me
a radiator when this one burns out?
- Yes!
- Turn it on.
I don't want you to do what I want.
I want you to do what you want.
You're acting as if you don't ever
want to have a baby.
Oh, God! I can't believe
you could even say that to me.
Didn't I try for three years?
Didn't I fail for three years? Do you
have any idea how that makes me feel?
Month after month, nothing.
When I finally succeed at something,
you want me to drop it.
Let's forget about doctors, hormones
and injections. Let's adopt a baby.
Sure! When I suggested adopting,
you said, "Absolutely not."
Now you want to adopt? Bullshit!
I don't want to adopt,
and you're afraid of failure.
- We both want a baby, but we can't.
- Didn't you hear what I said?
Let's wait
until a Democrat gets elected.
A baby in a Republican administration
is liable to be a boring dresser.
Let's wait 30 years and make the front
page of The National Enquirer.
Between "Ape gives birth to human"
and "Elvis was really a woman",
there'll be "87-year-old father
gives birth to twins"!
I told you! Now I've got no radiator.
Get out of the cab.
Get out of the cab!
May you have a child
and may it cause you the same pain
you have visited on to me today!
We don't have a child and he's already
caused us pain. Can you believe this?
What do you have to do
to take a vacation in this city?
What? What? Oh, God! I'm sorry.
I went too far. That's all.
You know me. I always go too far.
I take it back.
Why are we fighting all the time?
Some couples don't communicate.
We're ahead of the game.
Then why are we both so unhappy?
- Why are you giving me that?
- I want you to have it.
- I can't make cappuccino.
- You make good cappuccino.
I want you to have it.
I can buy a new one.
Excuse me.
- Hello?
- This is Alyssa Johnson.
- I'm calling about your speech...
- Wait!
- Come back for me.
- Sure, Mrs Bergman.
Listen, I'm sort of in the middle
of ending my marriage.
- Can we talk another time?
- I'm sorry. I'll call you back.
So this is it? We're getting separated
and I didn't even get to have an affair?
- Maybe you can have one now.
- Thanks.
It's not so much fun
when you get permission.
- It violates every rule in the book.
- Please, Duff. Not now.
I'll call you.
You're right. Here you go.
What can I get for you?
- Could I have some grapes?
- Sure. One second.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
You do this on all your first dates?
You bring a friend
who bums everybody out? Oh, God.
Here he comes. I'll see you later.
I should never have
let you talk me into this.
Forget it. You need to get out,
talk to people.
I tried. It just didn't work.
- What did you talk about?
- Divorce, infertility, death.
And nobody jumped overboard?
Look, Duff, this is crazy.
You've got to start having fun.
You've got to loosen up.
I tell you what, I know this girl.
We'll drive out to the Amish country
this weekend, buy some quilts.
I have to speak at a dumb convention.
- What convention?
- The Delta Gammas.
A DG convention?
How many women are going to be there?
About 500, I suppose.
- How many men?
- Just me.
That sounds like a really dumb idea.
Duff, these are the same girls who
wouldn't even spit on us in college,
the most beautiful girls God created.
Duffy Bergman? No, right?
- Duffy Bergman?
- Daphne, DGs?
- Hop in.
- Good.
- Great.
- I was getting worried.
Look out!
Trust me. I'm from New York.
Sorry to make you wait.
A secretary gave me the wrong time
and I'm about to burst my bladder.
- I don't mind stopping.
- I have to get you there.
- I'll drive with my legs crossed.
- I'm curious.
Were you abandoned at birth and
raised by a gang of longshoremen?
You sound like the guy I'd expect
to be writing Duffy's World.
Funny. I happen to be the author.
The fact is you are
single-handedly responsible
for the resurgence of
political humour for my generation.
Well, thanks. Give a little credit to
Ronald Reagan and maybe Dan Quayle.
Do you identify with any character?
There's something of me
in all my characters.
I think the best parts are in the women.
I meant metaphorically.
Yi, yi, yi. God, who is it?
Daphne, what are you doing here?
I was going to slip the schedule
under your door. I saw your light on.
- What are you doing up so late?
- I'm trying to write a speech.
- And you haven't a clue what to say?
- That's a way of putting it.
What's the problem?
They want me to talk about
relationships with women.
My history with women is a disaster.
I can't even talk to women.
- You're talking to me.
- That's different.
This is talking to a friend.
OK, what about the characters in your
work? You deal with those women.
That's political satire.
I understand that.
I could never relate to women
without messing up,
especially not with the DGs.
I always thought of them
as love goddesses.
Well, there you go. They'll love that.
And so they suggested relationships.
I said, "I'm not qualified
to talk about relationships.
"I don't have one any more."
So they suggested mothers.
I said, "I don't have one any more."
I suggested, "What about self-pity?"
That's something I understand.
I could get my teeth into that.
Thank you for just being here,
for walking this earth,
for breathing this air.
Because I'm weak, lonely, self-pitying... other words, a man.
And I couldn't live without you,
my love goddesses.
Did you get lucky?
Keep your eyes on the road!
What kind of talk is that?
You didn't strike me as a guy
who played the circuit just to get laid.
I'm the kind of guy who wants
to find the right woman, if I can,
and have babies and settle down.
Don't get so defensive. I want
to have babies, too. Young, though.
And, what, I'm too old?
Not old, but you got
that biological clock ticking, right?
For girls, the older you get,
the more complicated it gets.
- Do you have your life planned out?
- You got to know what you want.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Do you want to go to a motel for
an hour or go straight to the airport?
Too late. See?
You got to know what you want.
For you, nice lady,
I got double chocolate cake.
I got lemon pie, cookies, brownies...
OK, I'll have the...
What else have you got?
I got cherry cheesecake,
I got cannolis, apple tartin.
Oh, boy.
OK, I'll have the... lemon pie.
I got coffee regular, I got decaf,
I got espresso, I got cappuccino.
He's got cappuccino. I'm just going
to pass on the coffee, thank you.
Do you have herbal tea?
Meg, Emil and I talk about you
all the time.
We're worried about you.
Claire, I'm fine.
Really, I'm just having a hard time
making decisions right now,
like what tea to drink,
what blouse to wear, what I should
be doing with my life. Small things.
- You mean Duffy?
- Yeah, I guess.
You know, I just think this is so wrong.
I just find it so hard to imagine
you and Duffy not being together.
Well, what's so hard? We're not.
Claire, I'm sorry. It's just...
I miss him.
I love the son of a bitch,
but we stopped talking.
We all know that Duffy is a great talker,
but he wasn't talking to me.
Everything became
about wanting a baby for him.
He was looking at me like I was
some kind of baby machine. Really.
"What's my name?" "Baby."
"What's your name?" "Baby."
"What time is it, what day, what year?"
"Baby, baby, baby."
Jesus! I wanted to punch his face in.
Meg, he loves you.
Yes, well, I like him very much.
No, I mean he really loves you!
God, it sounds so great
when you say it, Claire.
I guess I really needed to hear him
say it, you know, just once,
instead of all that bullshit.
- Are you sick?
- Some people think so.
- Are you?
- I've got ringworm.
- See?
- Oh.
- What do you have?
- Problems.
- Duffy.
- Bye-bye.
Doctor Hugo'll make you all better.
I'll tell you what's wrong. Nothing.
What? I've got a burning inside
my stomach just below my ribs.
I'm listless, I have no appetite,
and you tell me it's nothing!
What kind of a doctor are you?
You'll send me a bill!
You lost your mother, your marriage
is a mess. It's understandable.
- Hugo, I want a baby.
- Take one of my patients.
You understand, Hugo,
that I'm a little bit scared
that I'm never going to have a child?
Talk to Meg.
Maybe now some time has gone by...
Talk to her.
Sotto Voce, this is Kathryn.
One moment, please.
Meg, it's Duffy for you.
- Duffy?
- Hi.
Hi. Where are you?
I'm at home. Can you talk?
Well, I'm in the middle of something.
Listen, I've been doing some thinking.
I just got back from a trip.
I was just wondering if we could
get together and have some dinner
and maybe, you know,
I know it sounds silly, have a date.
Look, this isn't a good time
for me right now.
Well, also I was thinking that maybe
we've been separated long enough.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe we should think about adoption.
Sure, yeah, that sounds great, Duff.
This is really a bad time for me.
- What is this?
- What's what?
Did you have to hire
America's biggest divorce lawyer?
Couldn't you get some hit men
to shoot me outside a steak joint?
Marcus is doing it as a favour.
Not to me. The whole thing
could have been so simple.
We get a book on divorce
and do it ourselves.
- It's not that simple, Duffy.
- I am. You got more complicated.
- I did?
- What about Glare Magazine?
Designer lettuce! Franchises! What
happened to the great American chef?
Meggie, Al Costello is here
to show us the new pasta maker.
- Just a second.
- Unfair!
- Why?
- You could have given me a warning!
Is this making it all too real for you?
We had a real marriage and
we're getting a real divorce. It's over.
- Over?
- I am the ship and I have sailed.
- Where to?
- Let the lawyers take care of it.
Lawyer, singular,
because I'm not getting one.
I'm going to do your lawyer a favour.
- What are you doing?
- He's going to get it all anyway.
Take something on account.
By the way, congratulations on
the name of your restaurant. Sotto Voce!
It's a great name. All of this purple
is good for the appetite.
- Hi.
- How are you doing?
- Ready on four.
- Do you enjoy offending people?
Do you enjoy acid rain?
- I take it your answer is yes.
- I take it your answer is no.
Duffy Bergman of Duffy's World.
Stay with us and we'll be right back.
- What a kidder.
- Really. See you.
- Duffy? Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- I work here.
- Great. How's it going?
Not bad. Actually, good.
They want to promote me, I think.
- Against your will?
- No.
Well, sort of. It means moving
to Los Angeles. I'm a New Yorker.
I need to maintain a level
of aggression or I destabilise.
So, how's the rest of your life?
There isn't any rest of my life
any more.
Really? Shame!
- Daph, are you ready to go?
- Yeah, I'm coming.
How about I buy you dinner some time?
How's tomorrow night?
Is that too soon?
I have this Girl Scout meeting...
I'm just kidding.
I think I can cancel it. OK.
- Good night.
- Tomorrow.
- All right.
- Bye.
So, anyway, the day after I was born,
my dad gets his credentials
to cover the war
for some radical weekly,
and he doesn't even want to go.
But my mom pushes him. You know,
the free press saving the world.
Whoa, hold on!
His first night in Vietnam,
he gets blown to pieces.
- That's awful.
- Yeah... It was his own fault.
- He lit a joint near an ammo dump.
- Good evening, Mr Bergman.
She seemed to have nice tits, that girl.
- Really?
- Like you didn't notice?
You were staring at her tits.
I was not. What are you talking about?
- Right. What are you? A tit man?
- What kind of a question is that?
I'm interested in what
gets you excited. Is it tits?
You seemed interested in her tits,
which I don't think were hers.
- Yes, they were.
- So you are a tit man.
I'm not. I'm interested
in the whole person.
So these don't excite you?
Hey, hey, hey! Good night, Fred.
Good night, Mr Bergman.
So you are interested
in the whole person!
In case they want me in the Raiders.
No, no! Oh, no!
Doctor! Doctor!
Take this! Take this thing!
- No more. I can't. I'm too old.
- No, no, no.
Help an old man go to bed.
Did you get me the milk?
I want a little milk
before I go to bed. No! Please!
- Bravo! Bravo!
- Isn't that cute?
- Verdi drives her crazy.
- With me, it's Madonna.
Hey, what a coincidence.
They're both Italians.
I don't know if you know this,
but Emil and I came here
on our first date.
This place is very special to us.
We wanted to come here tonight
with you to...
Speed it up.
Claire, I'm trying
to break it to him gently.
- Break what, Daddy?
- Oh, hell, we're getting married.
Shotgun? You have to get married?
I'd say a toast was in order.
Here's to Emil Thomas Bergman,
better known as my dad,
and... l'm sorry,
I didn't catch your name.
Joke. Just a joke.
Joke, joke.
Here's to my dad and Claire.
Bon voyage.
What do you have against Claire?
I don't have anything against her.
My dad could have done better.
Well, I don't know, I like her.
You and Meg. Meg liked her, too.
It sounds like I would've liked Meg.
You would have.
You never told me why you broke up.
That's a long, and I don't know
if it's so interesting, story.
Then make it interesting.
First, Meg wanted to have a baby.
We couldn't do it. We tried everything,
but it didn't work out.
Then my mother died. All of a sudden,
I wanted to have a baby.
Not that we could have
had one then either,
but all I could think about
was having a baby.
That's when we broke up.
I didn't realise
what was really important then.
Ugh, who made this?
- Did you make this?
- Rod the houseboy made it.
- What's the matter with it?
- It's so strong.
And you forgot the cinnamon. Good
cappuccino has a chocolatey flavour.
Yeah. I don't know
how you can drink this shit.
Did you brush your teeth and say
your prayers yet? Go upstairs and do it.
- How did you get these seats?
- I humped a couple of affiliates.
- It was worth it. What a birthday!
- There's more.
The Knicks and Madison Square
Garden thank you for attending.
I'm going upstate now.
- Daphne, are you looking for me?
- Yeah.
- Great game!
- Thank you.
- Meet my friend, Duffy Bergman.
- Hi.
How do you do? This is the best
birthday present I could imagine.
- One more surprise to go. Patrick?
- Daphne's pregnant.
You're kidding. This is incredible!
I didn't even know
you were seeing each other!
- It's yours, dummy.
- Even better!
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
I owe you one.
I've been thinking.
When this one's born,
and I think it's a girl,
who we should name Lilith,
which I saw in Delta Of Venus
by Anas Nin.
We should have another one right away,
get through the nursery phase
of our lives and into the good stuff.
Maybe I should take that job in LA.
It's a great place to raise kids.
That means private schools.
The public school system there sucks.
That means Hollywood for you,
but how terrible could that be?
It's great money,
and how badly could they treat you?
you could do the strip anywhere.
All of which is just a prelude
to the ranch near Jackson Hole,
where we can all just kick back
and watch the leaves turn
and watch the snow fall.
You can write another musical,
and I can...
- What can I do?
- Make plans.
- Good.
- Let's swing it around first.
Keep it coming.
All right, we can take it up.
Duffy, there's a problem.
- Hold it, Charlie.
- Something's wrong.
Don't worry.
We're going to take care of it.
Don't get scared.
Don't get scared. I'm going to make it
all go away. Don't you worry.
Don't cry.
- Is she OK?
- She's fine. No complications.
It just wasn't meant to be
this time around.
Where are you going?
- LA. I'm taking the job out there.
- You're taking the job in LA?
- Yeah.
- I'll go with you.
- You'll move to LA?
- Sure. Get a house in Hollywood.
I'll buy a jeep for all the snow.
- We can watch the seasons changing.
- Sit down.
What's going on?
Let's face it. The baby just happened.
We didn't mean for it to happen.
It made everything more serious
than either of us ever intended.
We were both
doing the honourable thing.
You think I was doing
the honourable thing?
Then why else are you with me?
Well, because I think
that... you're great.
I think that I have
an awful lot of fun with you.
And... the sex is something...
...a little out of the ordinary,
and extraordinary.
I take partial credit for that,
but you get points for
embarrassing moments in elevators
and regularity.
And I think that you're
a very exciting woman.
Girl. Wo... Girl.
In spite of all this craziness that
you put out, you're very centred.
We like doing the same things.
What's going...? Hey, hey!
Are you crying?
Come here. No, no. Come on.
What are you crying about?
Was it something I said?
Tell me what it is. I'll take it back.
- I'll take it right back.
- I'm too much fun, aren't I?
You're not. No, you're
the perfect amount of fun for me.
It was all good times. I never hurt you.
You never had to worry about me.
I don't know what you're saying.
You weren't neurotic.
You never had to take me seriously.
I always take you seriously. I do.
You have to know I'm crazy about you.
Then why, Duffy, when I asked you
why you were coming with me,
why didn't you say,
"Because I love you"?
- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me just one moment, please.
- Sure.
Sir? Excuse me. Excuse me.
Sir! Excuse me.
- Sir, can I help you?
- I'm going to see Meg for a minute.
- Meg who? Excuse me.
- Meg the chef.
Sir, our chef is Antonio Lucchesi.
I'm sorry. There's no Meg here.
- What happened to Meg?
- I don't know.
But whatever happened to her,
it didn't happen here. Now, please.
Grazie. Buonasera.
Thank you.
- That was great.
- Perfect.
- I think we have just enough time.
- We'll make it.
Mazel tov!
Are you all right, Duff?
- This is great. It's terrific.
- It's lovely.
Excuse me.
- It is you!
- Hi, Duff.
You know, I wasn't sure.
I couldn't tell from the back.
Look at you! My gosh!
You look... whoo!
You look rather great.
- Thanks. So do you.
- Oh, well, you know.
Dad didn't say anything. I didn't
know you were going to be here.
Neither did I. I thought
I was going to be at the restaurant.
- But you're not there any more.
- Right.
- How did you know?
- Somebody told me.
Yeah, well, anyway. I opened
my own place on Thompson Street.
Your own place? Nobody told me that.
What's it called?
- Meg's.
- Meg's?
What an original name!
How did you get a name like that?
- Out of the phone book.
- Oh, gosh. Congratulations.
That's wonderful.
You got what you really wanted.
Yeah. I guess so.
- And they let you make apple crisp?
- No. I let me make apple crisp.
Yeah, well. Sorry. I didn't mean...
- What's going on here?
- Congratulations!
- I'm so glad you could make it.
- Good to see you.
- Thanks for coming.
- You didn't tell me she was coming.
This is your request.
We'll be right back.
- Go on, Pops.
- Yeah.
It's going to work!
You know the old saying.
You can lead a horse to water...
Bet you a dollar.
You're on.
I think that...
- I think I should get going.
- You just got here!
I know, but there's this person
waiting for me at the restaurant.
- Oh, oh, sorry.
- No, no, no. It's...
Why don't I explain it
to you another time?
Sure, sure. That's all right.
You go on, have a good time.
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
I always loved
your Jimmy Stewart impression.
My Jimmy Stewart.
- Thanks.
- Well...
Maybe we'll see each other some time
if I come around Thompson Street.
Yeah, that sounds great.
I'll see you.
You owe me a dollar.
Gosh, look at all the cake
that people didn't eat.
Did you taste it?
- It's awfully cinnamony.
- Yeah.
Who cares?
I had a great time.
You know something? I haven't been
very supportive of this whole thing.
What do you mean?
I mean I've acted
pretty much like a jerk.
- You've made Dad so happy.
- He deserves it.
I just want to tell you that I'm sorry.
I really am.
I want to tell you that.
And that... I think he's awfully lucky
to have found you.
I hope he doesn't let you get away.
- Sorry.
- It's OK.
- This was really some wedding.
- This is the last time.
I promise you that.
You know, I thought it was
a very nice gesture, your inviting Meg.
Well, I'd like to take
the credit for that, but...
I ran into her at Union Square Market.
She asked if you were definitely
going to be here.
I said, "Of course."
Then she asked if she could come.
So I guess you could say
that she invited herself!
- She came to see me?
- Well, she didn't come for the cake.
Would you excuse me?
- Stop, I'll get out here.
- OK. Hey, thanks!
- The food here is really good.
- Good, it should be.
Yes, I know.
- Good.
- Really, it's wonderful.
- Oh, hi.
- I want to be with you.
- What?
- I want to live with you again.
I see.
Meg, honey, I love you.
I've always loved you.
I've never loved anyone else,
and I think that you still love me.
- Excuse me.
- If you don't, then say so.
If you don't love me,
tell me and I'll get out of the way.
- Get out of the way!
- That's for her to say.
- Excuse me.
- Meg!
Meg, this is the last time, I promise.
- I know I shouldn't have pushed you.
- I've got work to do.
I know I should never have let you go.
I know I should have said this
at the wedding. I know my timing stinks.
Look at all the stuff I know!
That's got to be worth something.
There's another thing I know.
I know I don't need a baby any more.
But I need you.
I just want you.
We belong together.
- I know.
- You know?
Yeah, I know.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
- I have to go back to work.
- Wait a minute!
- What is this?
- I adopted him.
You mean...
You mean this could be my son?
I don't know. That's up to him.
I'll see you.
Where's Mommy?
Excuse me. Folks, this is my family.
You're my favourite person
in the whole world.
You get one, too.
I don't know how good
we're going to be at raising a child.
What are you worried about?
Look how well you did with me!
That's true.
I can see the judges' eyes
As they handed you the prize
I bet you made the cutest bow
Oh! You must have been
a beautiful baby
'Cause, baby, look at you now