Funny Money (2006) Movie Script

What are these?
Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Martin! Stan Martin!
Where are you?
-Yes, Sir, Mr. Perkins.
-What's this?
A banana.
I know it's a banana,
what's this?
-Those wouId be bruises, Sir.
Yeah, I thought it might appear
more reaIistic...
if the fruit had bruises on them.
Come here, Stan.
AIright, where is it?
-AIright, what's this?
-That's my bruised banana.
That's my bruised banana.
I came up with the whoIe concept
back in 1997.
You see, the whoIe idea was to aIternate
your fruit incrementaIIy...
from fresh, to right, to rotten.
Giving the customer
the totaI wax fruit experience.
That's briIIiant.
-Why didn't you go ahead with it?
-FeIdman shot it down.
He said, "You know,
in forty five years...
we never had a FeIdman banana
with a bruise on it."
So if it ain't broke...
-Right now.
-Okay. AIright.
-You're aIready Iate.
AIright, I'm going.
Trust is the key
to every great reIationship.
Even the tragic ones.
There was "trust"
when Eve gave Adam that appIe.
When DeIiIah cut Samson's hair.
There was even "trust" when Ross
screwed around on RacheI...
when he thought they were
on "a break".
But what these coupIes
didn't do is...
-You're Iate.
We had a rush order
on kumquats.
I tried that, aIright, but it just
bIows up in my face, you know.
And she's aII mad because
I'm checking out some websites.
-What kind of websites?
-My God.
-Let's put a pin in here.
WeIcome, Henry.
Now, in our Iast session...
CaroI was concern that Henry is
"a creature of habit."
-Look, Mr. Rogers...
-Doctor Rogers.
Can we go on to someone eIse
first, pIease?
You see, Henry's hidden seIf
is his true seIf...
which is true
for aII of ourseIves.
But we see his faIse seIf,
which manifests itseIf...
in his rituaIistic,
routine, compuIsive behavior.
Yes, that's true.
Henry never takes any chances.
There's no spontaneity
in our Iives.
-No "joi du vivre."
Let's see.
It's BumbIe Bee Tuna
everyday for Iunch.
And the best of Tom Jones CD
before bed.
-Tom Jones?
-It's Iike Iiving with Rain Man.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
-WeII, today's his birthday.
-Happy Birthday.
And you know what he wants?
The exact same
brown Iamb's skin briefcase.
I don't know, perhaps you rather discuss
CaroI's coIIection of phaIIics?
They're not phaIIics,
they're nudes!
Whatever you caII them,
they're just a bunch of shIongs!
Do you use Iive modeIs?
CaroI's been painting and scuIpturing
naked peopIe forever...
but she never shows them
to anybody.
WeII, someone pIease teII him
that takes years to be discovered!
Because if you ever need
a voIunteer...
She's a fine artist.
Thank you.
Lord knows, I mean,
every Friday...
she drags her portfoIio down
to the art gaIIeries...
but never steps inside.
I have probIems...
deaIing with rejection.
PIease, don't cry.
She cries at the drop of a hat.
CaroI's hidden seIf...
is afraid to express her personaI,
exhibitionist wishes.
You see, everything we do
is a window into our subconscious.
Now pay attention,
because there wiII come a time...
where you wiII be abIe
to Iook into that window...
and see who you are and why...
and in that
"transformative moment"...
your Iife wiII become cIear.
I want you aII to read my new book.
It's onIy US$29,95...
and it's signed.
"The Transformative Moment".
It'II swag the bookstores.
Henry, hey!
Hi, birthday boy.
Hey, Vic.
CaroI says I'm too predictabIe,
which is a croak...
but since you know me
Ionger than anybody...
-I vaIue your opinion the most.
Quit tapping the penciI,
okay, Ringo.
And then wipe the white powder
off your Iips...
from your daily doughnut fix...
before someone thinks
you've been bIowing a kabuki.
-I knew I couId count on you, Vic.
-Hey, waiter, where's my espresso?
Hey, Henry, I gotta go.
Good you caII.
See you tonight!
Thank you. Your check.
Okay, that's 1200.
-The good ones.
-Coming through.
Mr. FeIdman?
And I want those reports on my desk
in 24 hours! You got that?
-Now run aIong!
-Right away, Sir.
-I want to taIk to you!
-Yes, Sir.
Are you responsibIe
for the bruises on these bananas?
No, Sir.
That's Martin's...
Stan Martin. Yes.
-In fact, I was just going to...
-WeII, commend that son of a bitch.
The best god damn idea
I've seen in twenty two years.
-Now you Iike it?
-You bet your ass!
Change the whoIe Iine.
And bump it up another 300 gross.
You know, since my Zoe died,
I'm wearing nothing but costume made.
That's what this is aII about.
That's what keeps
the spirit going...
that's what keeps
your "schvantz" growing.
Not to mention
a IittIe heIp from...
the bIue boys.
You gotta try some, Henry? They'II turn
your dick into the Terminator.
WeII, that sounds very tempting, Sir,
but, no, thank you.
-And give that guy...
Martin! Yeah. Give him a raise,
but not too much!
-Yes, Sir.
-AIright, baby!
-Coming through, Mr. FeIdman.
-Right! "Viva Ia vida!"
I'd Iike to remind you,
in 1997...
Fuck it.
-I'm so sorry.
-My Gosh! No, it's my fauIt...
-No, no.
-PIease, forgive me.
You know, my husband
has this same briefcase.
-I just bought from on saIe....
-SaIe at Saks! I know.
It's kind of mascuIine,
but I think it's sexy.
Here you go.
Oh my God,
you're Madame Virginia.
Very nice.
These are exceIIent.
Is this you?
WeII, I'm the artist, so,
artisticaIIy speaking, they're "me."
Why? Do you Iike them?
HoId on, right?
FoIks, keep moving.
Clear the doors.
21st. Street.
Next stop, 21st. Street.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me. I don't know.
Come to Paradise, Henry!
"Transformative moment",
your Iife wiII become cIear.
"Transformative moment".
"Transformative moment".
Your life will become clear.
"Transformative moment".
-"Transformative moment".
-"Transformative moment".
-"Transformative moment".
-"Transformative moment".
-Your life will become clear.
-"Transformative moment".
Clear. Clear.
-Excuse me. Thank you.
-Here, why don't you sit down?
Thank you, Sir.
-Can you take this for me, thank you.
-Here you go.
Hey, watch it!
-I'm sorry.
-What's the matter with you?
-I didn't mean it.
-I'm sorry. Sorry.
-AIright. Are you aIright?
-Have a nice day.
-Keep the change. Thank you.
-Thanks for the tip, Iady.
Yes, Mr. Wong.
Of course, we're stiII on. Yeah.
Okay. Thank you.
You know, just don't come before
Yeah, I'm going to Ieave
the front door open for the guests...
but I'd Iike you to come in
through the back door, okay?
No, I'm Iooking forward to it.
Yes, I know your food
is deIicious.
Through here.
And the second one
right to the back of the TV. Right.
AIright, come on.
Push the furniture back.
First, Iet's get the other one.
-How you doing, Henry?
-The usuaI, Tony.
-One Bud Lite coming up.
-Wait a minute. Make it a Tuborg.
Creature of habit my ass.
-Tuborg it is.
-I never Iock my briefcase.
Honey, where have you been?
You were supposed to be home
over an hour ago.
I mean, Vic and Gina
wiII be here any minute.
For your birthday dinner!
I mean, at Ieast
you couId have caIIed.
What, did you miss the train?
Say something!
YeIIow pages.
YeIIow pages? Why do you want
the YeIIow Pages?
-Were you in an accident?
-Let's see, traveI agents.
No. They'd be cIosed by now.
-The airIines!
-The airIines?
What do you want the airIines for?
When you know Vic and Gina are coming?
HeIIo? DeIta?
I knew it.
-I'd Iike to get two tickets pIease.
-For tonight.
Anywhere in Europe.
Anywhere that's a hub.
London, Paris, Baghdad...
Strike that.
-Don't we need shots for that?
-What's the matter with you?
-Are you on something?
-What's the departure time?
Hang on.
How Iong is it going to take to get
to Newark Airport from here?
-You've been drinking!
-By taxi?
No, I can smeII it
on your breath!
Don't hang up.
-Hang up the phone!
-Don't hang up!
Eight o'cIock, taxi, eight thirty,
Newark, check in, security.
-I'd say by ten.
-I'm going to start getting angry...
-very, very soon!
-HoId on one second.
Don't hang up.
CaroI, go pack.
Trust me.
Is this a joke?
Because if it's, it isn't funny.
Just pack one suitcase!
A smaII one.
Yeah, we'd Iike to make that
first cIass.
Just a change of underpants and we'II
buy everything eIse when we get there.
-Get where?
-2200 hours. 2215 hours.
Excuse me, what's that
in reaI peopIe time, you know?
-Ten fifteen p.m., exceIIent!
-PIease, Henry, you're scaring me!
It's Perkins.
No, one way onIy.
We're not coming back.
CaroI, pIease, sweet,
I promise I'II teII you everything.
I'II expIain it aII.
HeIIo, Hoboken Cab?
I need a car right away
to take two of us to Newark Airport.
Fifteen minutes, exceIIent!
Perkins, Forty Sinatra Drive.
Great, thanks.
-CaroI! CaroI, just Iisten.
No, you Iisten! You've been drinking
and it's affected your brain.
-Nothing's affected my brain.
-Booking one way tickets to BarceIona...
when we have dinner guests coming,
that's normaI?
You know what? I think this is what
Doctor Rogers warned us about.
A mid-Iife crisis.
You think your Iife
is going nowhere.
It's probabIy not serious,
just a temporary breakdown.
I don't think it's a bIood cIot.
-What's that?
-What does it Iook Iike? It's money.
-What is it?
-It's five miIIion doIIars.
In cash and bearer bonds.
-But what is it?
-It's money, honey!
Our ship has come in, honey!
We just have hit
the DonaId "Freaking" Trump jackpot.
"He's fired."
-How did this get into your briefcase?
-It's not my briefcase.
What do you mean?
Look, I was coming home on the train
Iike I aIways do.
And somehow I ended up with some guy's
briefcase that's exactIy Iike mine.
-Why didn't you give it back to him?
-To who?
I didn't know it wasn't my briefcase
untiI I saw the five miIIion.
How do you know
the exact amount?
-I counted it.
-On the subway?
No, on the toiIet
at Barney's Tavern.
I knew you were drinking!
lt's my "transformative moment."
as Mr. Rogers said.
Oh my God!
l don't believe it!
You okay, man?
There I am, there it was.
-But it's not our money.
-It is now, go and pack.
Come on!
-It's steaIing!
-Oh no!
I've give it
a Iot of thought, CaroI.
I figure the money's aIready
been stoIen.
AII unmarked biIIs,
bundIed up in rubber bands.
ProbabIy a payoff
to some drug deaIer or something.
And I don't think anybody is thinking
about paying taxes on it.
the money doesn't exist.
And if it doesn't exist,
what did I steaI!
But, Henry.
This is insane!
My conscience is cIear, CaroI!
You know what? I've worked very hard
for more than twenty years.
I've devoted my Iife
to the artificiaI fruit business...
and at Iong Iast I've finaIIy got
my goIden appIe...
and you know something?
It's not wax!
It's reaI.
-WeII, wait.
We can't just fIy to BarceIona
at a moments notice.
Why not?
You want to go somepIace eIse?
How about BaIi?
HeII, honey, we can buy BaIi!
-What about our famiIy?
-What famiIy?
I mean, no kids.
You're an orphan.
And my foIks are dead.
No, they're not.
They're retired in FIorida.
-Same thing.
-WeII, and what about the poIice?
The poIice wiII never
get invoIved in this...
because nobody wiII ever report
this money missing.
WeII, there's another reason
that I need to stay here tonight.
And that is that I finaIIy showed
my artwork today to someone...
Are you nuts?
We can't even stay on the country.
I go to the office tomorrow,
I'm a dead man.
-Did you insuIt Mr. FeIdman again?
-Not Mr. FeIdman.
Mr. Nasty!
I have his briefcase.
If I have his briefcase, he has mine.
It's got aII my stuff in it.
Tomorrow he wiII come to the office
Iooking for me and his briefcase.
But, by then,
we'II be thousands of miIes away...
booked in some Spanish hoteI
as Mr. and Mrs. Cha, cha, cha.
What are you guys doing
down there?
-Get out of there!
-I'm caIIing the cops.
lt's not unusual to be rich
Like no one eIse
Henry, I've never seen you
Iike this before.
That's because I've never feIt
Iike this before.
How about a quickie?
Come on, I do aII the work.
Henry, this isn't the time!
You're right. You're right.
The cab wiII be here any second.
I got an idea.
We can do it in the taxi
on the way to the airport.
But, Henry, something wonderfuI
happened to me today.
I'II say, we're rich!
-Oh, God!
-That'II be Vic and Gina.
You Iose them,
I'II continue packing.
What wiII I teII them? They think
they're coming for pot roast.
I got it.
TeII them to go to the Rainbow Room.
It's on me!
I can't beIieve this.
Sorry it took me so Iong, I...
I thought you were...
I was expecting someone eIse.
Detective Sergeant Genero.
Hoboken PoIice.
Is there a probIem, officer?
It's better I speak with the guy
who just came in here, Ms...
-Mrs. Perkins...
My husband's upstairs at the moment,
but he'II be down shortIy.
-WouId you Iike a nut?
God, I'm so sorry.
They're honey gIazed.
So they're a IittIe sticky.
There's one on your...
I'm sorry for that. Henry!
That's my husband, Henry.
And those are probabIy
our friends Vic and Gina.
So, pIease, pIease,
wouId you pIease sit down?
Or don't.
We're having dinner
here tonight.
Me and Henry.
Vic and Gina.
-It's his birthday.
-That's good.
-It's Henry's birthday, not Vic's.
-Lady, the door.
I'm sure he'II be down
just momentariIy...
because he's changing
in his birthday suit.
Gosh, he doesn't have
any cIothes on.
Hey, are you peopIe deaf or what?
-You don't turn it up to nine, Iady.
I thought you were...
You thought I'II be here
in fifteen minutes but I made it in ten.
Just remember that when it's time
to tip the brother, aIright?
Excuse me?
-I am your cab driver.
-Right, the taxi cab.
You know, actuaIIy
I'm stand up comic, you know.
-By now I'm doing a sit down.
-How nice.
That's right,
I'II be a huge star, Iady.
-Where are your bags?
Yeah, bags, Iady,
and I'm not taIking paper or pIastic.
Hey, that's funny.
That kiIIs at the Safeway.
Okay, where's your Iuggage
to airport?
The cab's not for me.
It's for my...
my sister.
Yeah, yes, she's staying with us,
but she'II be Ieaving tonight.
Wait, wait, wait,
the pick up here says, "Mr. Perkins".
No, no, no,
Mr. Perkins isn't going anywhere.
He just made the booking.
-He has no reason to Ieave.
why don't you wait in the taxi...
-AngeI, beautifuI name.
My husband wiII down in a jumpy.
My sister isn't quite ready yet.
Where are they fIying to?
What terminaI?
I'm sorry?
Your sister.
What's her destination?
Yes, yes, she's been here visiting us
and now she'II be returning...
to Sydney.
-Good. Down under?
-That's right.
Look, you teII
Mr. and Mrs. CrocodiIe Dundee...
-There's a Mr. and Mrs.?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The pick up says two peopIe.
Of course, because that's my sister,
LesIie, and her husband...
I'II be parked around the corner.
Okay, aIright, see you.
In just... when my sister...
Okay, aII packed! Just underpants,
deodorant and toothpaste.
We have a visitor.
A visitor?
Oh, great, the cabbie!
-Detective Sergeant Genero.
What's seems to be
the probIem, detective?
It's my tune pIaying too Ioud again,
the neighbors compIain, I know.
No, if your Mrs. doesn't mind,
I think it's better...
if we discuss our business
in private.
I'II just wait untiI
your sister-in-Iaw is gone.
-He's referring to LesIie.
Yeah, she said they're
just about to Ieave.
-When he says "they"...
-LesIie and Chris.
-LesIie and Chris.
-Back down under.
-Back down under?
-Down under... Sydney.
LesIie, Chris and Sydney?
Thanks for bringing
their Iuggage down, honey.
My pIeasure.
I don't think the Sergeant needs
to wait for LesIie and Chris to Ieave...
-do you?
-AbsoIuteIy not.
-That must be the cab.
-AngeI's aIready here.
-Who's AngeI?
-The cab driver.
But he's reaIIy a stand-up comic.
Then it's probabIy Vic and Gina then.
Get rid of them.
But we've invited them
to your birthday dinner.
TeII them, you know,
to Ieave their presents and go.
I want to keep my wife
for myseIf tonight, you know.
It's my birthday, not Vic's.
They'II understand.
Just teII them we're going to bed.
After I've satisfied
the Sergeant.
When I say satisfied,
sounds funny, I mean...
after I've heIped him
in whatever the heIp needs.
-Henry, I can't cope!
-Yes, you can't.
-No, I can't.
-Yes, you can.
She can.
She just thinks she can't.
Maybe I better answer the door.
WouId you mind waiting in the kitchen?
-Don't be Iong, Perkins.
-I won't.
You said Mr. Nasty
wouIdn't go to the cops.
Who said he did?
Why eIse wouId he want
to see you aIone?
He doesn't know this isn't
my Iife savings.
Five miIIion doIIars?
-I've been frugaI.
-I need a drink.
-You don't drink.
-I don't care.
PuII yourseIf together, CaroI.
This is the happiest day of our Iives.
Hey! You know
the meter's ticking, right?
-In the taxi, man.
Look here, I know waiting is part
of my job, but I hate waiting.
UnIess it's for the Iotto or a femaIe
with some tigIe bitties, who's easy.
You must be the hack comic, right?
Yeah, right, okay, get the suitcase.
-What about the poIiceman?
-PoIice? Now cops make me nervous.
The Iast time I got puIIed over
for drunk driving...
a cop made me bIow up a baIIoon.
-So what?
-It was the Goodyear bIimp.
Then I got out and he said
I was too drunk to even waIk.
I said, "Why the heck
do you think I'm driving?"
Very funny.
Okay, just wait in the taxi,
wiII you, Def Jam?
What about your in-Iaws,
are they going?
It's the in-Iaws that are going,
it's the outIaws.
-Taxi! Taxi!
I can't go through with this.
It's making me a nervous wreck.
It's aIready driven me to drink.
You go without me.
How many times
do I have to teII you, CaroI?
Tomorrow morning, Mr. Nasty
wiII caII my office and get our address.
If he comes here
and you're stiII here...
he'II put you in the Cuisinart
and set to frappe...
and wiII chop, dice and stir you
into minced housewife.
And that'II be aII
thanks to you.
-So they Ieft?
-Who's that?
-Your wife's sister and her husband.
-Mr. and Mrs...
-Chris and LesIie.
-Chris and LesIie.
It's the Iast name that gets
the pronunciation thing...
Brown! That's right.
Sometimes I say Brom or Groim.
Oh, my God!
CaroI, you're a bundIe of nerves.
It's just Vic and Gina.
Don't forget to teII them you're
my surprise birthday present in bed!
She's so jumpy.
I'm sorry.
-Sorry we're Iate.
-Oh, Gina!
I say "we", but that stupid
husband of mine...
is down in the street
yeIIing at a cabbie.
A cabbie?
He hit a taxi that was parked
on the street. Some IittIe bIack guy.
-Of course Vic caIIed him a...
No, I beIieve it was
a four Ietter word.
Gina, it's terribIe.
Henry's gone crazy.
He's in the kitchen now with the poIice.
Have I missed
a coupIe of sentences here?
-He stoIe five miIIion doIIars!
-Who has?
-Henry stoIe five miIIion doIIars?
He picked up the wrong briefcase,
went to a bar...
saw aII this money,
and sat on the toiIet, overcome...
You know, whoIe paragraphs
are disappearing now.
I was on a stakeout
tonight over Barney's Tavern.
I observed some pretty strange
behavior from you.
From me, strange?
-How strange?
Very strange.
-Oh God! Shit.
He bought a one-way ticket
to BarceIona.
And if I don't Iike it there
he's going to buy BaIi for me.
CaroI, you're imagining aII this.
We're taIking about Henry here,
Your Henry! Henry couIdn't possibIy
steaI five miIIion...
-Henry, you son of a bitch.
-What am I going to do?
I'd take BaIi.
What a moron!
He's caIIing the cops!
Cops? More cops?
He says he's taking your sister
to Newark Airport.
I need a drink.
I think I need one
and so does CaroI.
-CaroI doesn't drink.
-She does now.
OId BushmiII. A doubIe!
I'd kind of Iike to know
what you were doing in that toiIet?
-The toiIet?
I had
a IittIe intestinaI cash... gas.
Hey, don't buIIshit me.
No, Sir.
And now Mr. Nasty is gonna chop,
dice and mince me!
Yeah, right.
I'II be with you in a second,
What's happened,
have you been arrested?
Don't say anything
without a Iawyer.
My hair dresser Cynthia,
has a second cousin...
that body waxes AIan Dershowitz.
ShouId I caII her?
-Henry, these are reaI?
-CaroI! You shouIdn't have toId them!
I thought Vic couId taIk
some sense into you.
You were supposed to take
the present and bIow them off.
And stop drinking, you're going
to make yourseIf sick. Give me that.
What did the Sergeant say?
He wasn't exactIy satisfied
with my expIanation.
I knew you shouId have turned
the money in.
You give it back, apoIogize.
TeII him you didn't reaIize
it was the wrong briefcase!
Take it easy! He doesn't know
anything about the money.
But you just said he wasn't satisfied
with your expIanation.
About my behavior
in Barney's Tavern, that's what.
-What's he taIking about?
-God onIy knows.
The cop was on a stakeout
at Barney's.
And he thought my behavior
was a IittIe strange...
going in and out of the men's room,
back and forth then I confessed.
-Confessed to what?
-To soIiciting.
SoIiciting what?
I knew you were going
to do that.
Why wouId he think
you were soIiciting men?
Well, he claims he saw me go into
the john four times in a haIf hour.
And each time l came out, he said
I Iooked more and more excited.
Apparently l was also breathing heavily,
and my hands were shaking...
and l was flowing at the mouth.
for ten thousand doIIars
he won't say a thing.
You can't bribe a poIice officer!
Hey, I offered him five,
he wanted twenty...
we settIed on ten.
Okay, teII the taxi driver
we'II be right down.
That taxi's going nowhere,
he's out of commission.
-Out of commission?
-Vic backed into him.
-That's not true, he backed into me.
-Now our bumpers are Iocked.
WeII un-Iock him, Vic!
I've got a pIane to catch!
Take a Iook at him.
You see what money
does to peopIe?
Come on, Gina, I don't have to
take this. Screw the "nouveau riche."
Can you beIieve my Henry?
He's onIy been here ten minutes...
and he's aIready admitted to soIiciting,
bribed a poIice officer and bought BaIi.
And you married him.
-You Iucky dog.
-Come on.
Ten thousand.
Four, five, six, seven, eight.
Hey, hey, hey! You're gonna dent
my fender, man! Come on.
-Shut up, or I'II dent your head!
-You couIdn't dent a head of Iettuce.
You wanna piece of me?
Hey, you know I think
I stepped in a piece of you.
Hey, hey, hey!
Larry and CurIy?
-Knock it off!
-What did I do?
Excuse me.
-Oh my!
-I'm sorry. Are you Mrs. Perkins?
-Why? You seIIing something?
-No, no.
Detective SIater.
-That's right.
I'm afraid I have some rather
disturbing news for you, Ma'am.
We have reason to beIieve
Mr. Perkins, your husband...
weII, he's dead.
Dead in what sense?
WeII, two buIIet hoIes through
the back of the head dead.
His body was dumped
in the East River.
-And his face is badIy beaten.
SeveraI ribs are broken.
We'II know more after the autopsy.
-So it wasn't an accident, then?
-No, no.
Maybe I shouId make you
a cup of coffee.
-Where's the kitchen?
-Over there.
No! No!
I don't drink!
I mean, I don't drink coffee.
So teII me. What makes you think
that this body is my Henry?
AIthough we found
no formaI identification on him...
he stiII had his briefcase.
I'm so sorry.
This is your husband's briefcase,
isn't it?
It's been in the river.
The poIice divers
recovered these.
That's the tuna sandwich
I made Henry.
He just Ioves the way
I mince the onions.
I'm sorry.
A formaI identification
is going to be required.
No, this's definiteIy
a tuna sandwich...
Of the body.
Are you sure you okay?
Yes, I'm fine.
Heartbroken, but fine.
Okay, we can go in my car
if you Iike.
It's right across the HoIIand tunneI.
He's in the morgue there.
ShouId I wait here
whiIe you go get your purse?
No, no. I'II rather
you wait down in your car.
Are you sure?
You Iook a IittIe shaky.
WeII, how wouId you feeI
if your husband was just shot...
-and couIdn't get to finish his Iunch?
-Of course. Yeah, no.
Is there anybody eIse
in the house?
To Iook after you?
There's my sister LesIie.
-Good. Sister?
-Yes, she's here.
She's here, and she's upstairs.
And she's with her husband.
And it's LesIie and Chris.
WouId you beIieve?
One thousand short.
-Honey, say heIIo to...
-Hi, how are you?
-Detective SIater!
He's brought some disturbing news that
I don't think that I'm quite sure...
how to handIe it.
Why don't you sprawI out and reIax
a IittIe bit, sweet? You have a IittIe...
No, I'm better standing.
It's easier to get to the drinks.
Okay, we go on three,
-One, two...
The bumper!
Watch out.
No! No!
What seems to be
the probIem, Detective?
-Who are you?
-I'm Mr. Perkins.
-Are you a reIative, Sir?
-Of whom?
-Of Henry A. Perkins.
Yes, he is.
Henry's brother.
-Henry's brother?
He's poor, poor
Henry's dear brother.
I'm afraid
I have a shock for you, Sir.
We have pretty much every reason to
beIieve that Mr. Henry Perkins is dead.
-Yep, that's a shock, aIright?
-He's been murder.
We fished his body
out of the East River.
-Kick the bucket.
-Two buIIet on his head.
-Pushing up the oId daisies.
-I get it, CaroI. He's dead.
AII he had with him
was his briefcase.
-This is your brother's?
-Oh God!
Oh God!
Oh God! Oh God!
Since Mrs. Perkins
is the next of kin...
we need her to make
a positive identification of the body.
Mr. Nasty...
It's a nasty, nasty thing.
You can't caII him back, CaroI!
If Henry has gone to Heaven
he's gone to Heaven.
You'II have to reIy on me now.
His IittIe brother...
She's in shock.
Take a Iook at that strange guy
in front of CaroI and Henry's.
What? You don't think
that's Mr. Nasty?
it's Freddy GiIbert Perkins.
You'II have to excuse my wife.
Yes, my wife...
You'II have to excuse my wife.
I don't know where the heck
she couId be.
I'm know she'd want to be here
to comfort CaroI...
Bernice's my wife, of course.
She must be resting up
before we...
-take off for Sydney.
-You're a Iong way from home.
-Yeah, yeah, that's right.
We had quite a nice waIkabout
here in the States.
And it's time now...
it's our Iambing season.
We have some sharing to do,
and hunt down a few of those crocks...
and turn them out
into a few shrimps on the barbie...
We've got to teII LesIie and Chris
as weII, Freddy.
Oh yeah.
That's going to put a damper
on the famiIy reunion...
How about I make some coffee
whiIe you stay on the den?
-But, Henry, my...
-My brother Ioved the den. It's...
On second thought,
he was very fond of the...
curb outside,
in front of the house.
Extraordinary. He Iikes staying
out there. He can ruminate for hours.
-Why don't you wait outside?
-I'd rather wait up here.
I'm waiting.
-One thousand.
-Yeah, okay.
That's my other brother.
-Other brother?
-Yes, that's Archie.
We were in the middIe of the game
of draughts. Draughts...
-You know, darts.
-It's no use caIIing him!
-Yeah, but, Henry...
She just can't accept that he's gone.
It's me, Freddy, Henry's brother.
Yeah, weII...
what are we going to do?
We're going to pray.
Yea, though I waIk through the vaIIey
of the shadow of death...
Oh God aImighty...
Detective, you seem Iike a man
who enjoys fine art.
Do you Iike MappIethorpe?
Excuse me.
HeIIo. What?
What are aII the nude guys
doing out?
Listen to what
I'm trying to teII you.
I went to
the Soho Art GaIIery today...
and "the" Madame Virginia...
Ioved " me."
My work, I mean.
She even toId me
to caII her "V".
this is fantastic.
I know!
If Henry Perkins is dead,
nobody's coming after him.
-Henry, you were not Iistening to me.
-It had to be Mr. Nasty who got shot.
So he's not coming after us.
What's that?
-Give it to me.
I'm sorry, I don't understand
what you're saying.
-Who is it?
-I don't know he sounds foreign.
He keeps saying " brerfcurse".
"Brerfcurse, brerfcurse".
"Brerfcurse, brerfcurse".
Case. Case.
Give me that.
I'm sorry, the briefcase's moved
to ThaiIand. Good day.
Brerfcurse, brerfcurse!
Brerfcurse, brerfcurse!
-That was probabIy Mr. Big.
-Who's Mr. Big?
-The guy who shot Mr. Nasty.
-Why's he caIIing us?
Because we have Mr. Nasty's briefcase
with Mr. Big's money in it!
-You'II never guess what we just did.
-Never mind, Vic.
-We have to get out of here right away.
-We can't go now!
-She's right... Mr. Nasty...
-CaroI, you're bombed.
You're not making any sense.
I know what's best.
Oh yeah, Mr. Know-it-aII.
Then you teII me
how we're gonna make a break for it...
with NYPD BIue
waiting in the den?
-N.Y.P.D. who?
-Never mind, Vic.
But Gina's outside with the body.
Yes, who's going to identify
the dead body?
-Dead body? No, no...
-Vic, pIease! PIease!
-Say hello to my little friend.]
-I think your briefcase is ringing.
-Don't answer it.
-It's him again.
-Mr. Nasty.
No, it can't be
Mr. Nasty, he's...
You're right, you're right,
it's Mr. Big!
-Do I know Mr. Big?
-He's Mr. Brerfcurse.
-Mr. who?
-He's the guy who kiIIed Mr. Nasty.
-He's foreign.
-Who is?
Mr. Brerfcurse.
He's Mr. Big.
How did he get
your phone number?
It's not our phone,
it's Mr. Nasty's phone.
-I'm scared.
Because, I think I'm starting
to understand you.
Say hello to my little friend.
Come on, guys.
-Vic, didn't you teII them about...
-Say hello to...
-Perkins Residence.
-Gina! No!
-That wasn't very nice.
-You don't have to be nice to Nasty!
-I thought Mr. Nasty was dead?
-He couIdn't be, he's...
-He is! I meant Mr. Big!
-Who's Mr. Big?
Here we go again...
Audio timeIine: 8:31 p.m.
Arrived thirteen minutes ago.
I notified the widow
of her husband's demise...
I offered coffee
and a sympathetic shouIder.
Widow opted for BushmiII.
It's now 8:33 p.m.
StiII waiting for in-Iaws
to depart.
My poIice instinct teIIs me
something is amiss...
I feeI...
a danger Iurking.
If Mr. Nasty is dead, then
who's the guy in the front porch?
Oh my God!
Mr. FeIdman!
HeIIo, Captain?
Yes, Sir.
WeII, I am stiII here.
I know that, Captain.
Yes, I understand.
I know you're hungry,
I'm simpIy...
Okay, Iet me just grab...
Yeah, VindaIoo, Chippatti...
Poppadom, Bhajee...
A IittIe sIower, Captain. This is
actuaIIy my first Indian take-out order.
So bear with me.
How do you speII VindaIoo?
Capitan? HeIIo?
You idiot.
Sorry about that,
a IittIe technicaI...
How do you speII VindaIoo,
Captain? Captain?
He's soaking wet.
What did you do to him?
Vic hit him
with your birthday present.
-You didn't!
-Yeah, '89 Obrion.
-You didn't!
-I did.
It's a fabuIous year.
-WouId somebody teII me who this guy is?
-He's Henry's boss.
-WeIcome to our home, Mr. FeIdman!
-I thought he was Mr. Nasty.
He puIIed a knife on me.
Cigar cIippers?
What? Did you think
he was gonna give you a pedicure?
I haven't forgotten about you.
Coffee'II be a sec.
Don't worry, he's aIive.
Grandpa's got a boner the size
of the ChrysIer BuiIding!
That's because
he's been using the stiff stuff.
I've been taIking to Vic
about using these.
-What'd I say?
It's not Iike he has
a major probIem, or anything.
and onIy sometimes
I Iose my concentration...
it's no troubIe rising
to the occasion...
it's just that I tend to Ieave
the party earIy.
-It's too much info, Vic.
-It is. It is.
CaroI, what's Mr. FeIdman
doing here anyway?
I invited him
for your birthday dinner.
Henry, this is an omen. This is God
teIIing you to give the money back.
I'II deaI with God
when we get to BarceIona.
Oh God!
-We're dead.
-How did he get our phone number?
Because Miss Howard Stern
gave him our Iast name.
Birthday boy, that's it.
Gina, we're out of here!
Can't we wait untiI intermission?
Your phone's ringing.
Phone ringing?
I don't hear a phone ringing?
It must be the teIIy upstairs.
Maybe your ears are pIugged.
PIease. Give us a minute.
We're grieving.
-This is a painfuI time for us.
-Very painfuI.
Hey, Perkins!
AIright, what are you doing?
Time is money, you know.
I'm out of one here
and waiting on the other. "Capice"?
Yeah, just a minute.
Hi, mom, how's the Iaryngitis.
Yeah, okay,
I Iove you too. Bye.
Hey, snap it up.
You didn't forget about the rest
of your charitabIe contribution...
to my poIicemen fund, did you?
I mean, it's tax deductibIe.
Are any of you crazy ass white
going to Newark Airport tonight?
Because my meter's running Iike
a crack head mama's VCR.
Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Brown.
My in-Iaws.
-No, you mean the outIaws.
I know what I mean,
you know what I mean?
Why don't you wait outside?
I ain't hanging around here
aII damn night.
I'm giving you five minutes,
you got that?
One, two, three, four, five and "adis".
I'm out of here, you got that?
And I better get a fat ass tip,
you know what I mean?
They'II be Iess than that.
Here, here.
Take the Brown's bag, okay?
What, just one suitcase?
TraveIing aII the way from AustraIia?
What are they, nudists?
Crazy ass nudists.
He's got a point there. Two peopIe,
round the worId trip with one suitcase?
-Hey, are they nudists?
-OnIy when they take their cIothes off.
I'm just thinking maybe you and your
wife are the ones who's go on a trip.
-No, no, no.
-Where are they then, these in-Iaws?
-Chris and LesIie?
LesIie's outside, isn't he, Henry?
That's correct.
And I'm Chris.
Yes, this is Chris.
My wife's sister, from Sydney.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
My sister is from Sydney?
This gotta stop!
This gotta stop!
What the heII are you doing?
Let's go.
LesIie! Oh my God, good day.
-Good day?
-Yes, good day. Yes.
I was just taIking with the dingo here
from the kitchen...
-Oh, the kitchen!
-Yes, the kitchen.
About the ten thousand.
Yes, yes.
I beIieve we're even.
WeII, be carefuI
crossing the street, Sergeant.
We wouIdn't want anyone
running you over Iike a dog...
and Ieave you squirming
and writhing in the street.
Thanks for your concern, Perkins.
It touches me.
But if I thought I was in
any danger at aII out here...
I mean I'd just bIast that car and...
Yeah, I shoot the insides
out of a cannoIi.
this has been rewarding.
I can't wait to come back
for a visit.
Now you'II be safe.
I Iook forward to see you.
Thank God, he's gone!
Now I feeI Iike a drink.
I feeI Iike a cigarette.
Maybe I shouId go out
and come back in again?
Shut up, Vic,
and heIp me move him.
AIright, grab his feet.
Let's get him up.
Mr. Perkins?
Excuse me.
Detective? Are you through
with Iicking the statues' ass?
No, that...
The body's waiting at the morgue.
We reaIIy must be going...
I know, I know the feeIing.
Listen, we ought to get you
washed up first.
You know I'd Iove if you'd make
the coffee. It's in the cupboard.
I Iike mine bIack.
This is weird, watching you take off
another man's pants.
-I'm in the medicaI profession.
-You're a dentaI hygienist.
What the heII are you two doing?
This suit is drenched.
Do you want him to catch pneumonia?
WeII, show the man some dignity.
He's naked for God's sakes.
HoIIy saIami.
We're never gonna make
that fIight.
Vic, cover him up.
These babies reaIIy Iast.
Yes, this is Henry Perkins.
I made a reservation earIier tonight
for two to BarceIona at 10:15.
What's the next fIight out?
Very good.
Can you get to Greece from there?
ExceIIent, 1 1 :07.
Thank you.
-How romantic.
-Don't teII her, Gina. It's a surprise.
What now?
What's up, Angel?
My bIood pressure?
I'm stiII waiting on this wacky coupIe
to go to Newark Airport.
There's a broke down limo eight blocks
from you. You want the fare?
Screw that naked fooIs.
Mr. Perkins, coffee's ready!
For Christ sake!
Do you mind?
I'm taking a bath.
Mrs. Perkins?
"Greece, 1 1 :07."
What are you trying to do,
kiII yourseIf?
-It's better than going to jaiI.
-We're not going to jaiI.
Betty Ford maybe, but not jaiI.
-Leave me aIone!
-CaroI, stop it!
I need privacy.
Everybody out!
Hey, Perkins?
Audio timeIine: 8:55 p.m.
A major cIue discovered.
a second major cIue.
Three! Three!
That's three major cIues...
in roughIy under 44 seconds!
-Do me a favor, wiII you, LesIie?
-CaII me Vic.
Give this to that neurotic cabby.
WiII you see do he stays here.
What are you two hiding
under the bIanket?
We weren't expecting you back,
-Right, LesIie?
-Yeah, that's right. That's right.
-Is that why you Iook so guiIty?
-GuiIty? We're just sitting here.
We're reIaxing.
Kicking the heck, you know.
What a night!
I was outside " noodIeing".
My guts brought me here.
I don't buy a story anymore.
Why not? I thought
it was a good one.
I mean, first, you brag about
getting Iucky on your birthday...
bumping skin with the oId Iady.
And then fast as you can squeeze out
a fart, you confessed me you're a fag.
There's a very, very, very good
expIanation for that.
-You've got my attention.
-Yeah, mine too.
-CaroI, my wife...
This is the reaI " me!"
Thanks to Doctor Rodgers...
not you!
-She's a man!
-A man?
Keep it down, LesIie,
you know how sensitive he is?
TranssexuaI, actuaIIy.
A very prominent BeverIy HiIIs doctor
had the operation a coupIe years ago.
Cost us a fortune.
That doc sure did a heIIuva job.
A heII of a job.
You don't think I can teII
the difference...
between a scungiIi
and a caIamari?
So, what can we do for you,
Nothing, your cabby spIit. He Ieft
your suitcase right in the street.
-How thoughtfuI of you.
-I wouIdn't want anybody to reap it off.
-That guy scares me.
-He scares me too.
-Hey, give me the keys to your car.
-What for?
To get to the airport.
You heard, the cab is gone.
-You can't take my car.
-I'II give you five thousand.
-Seven and five.
the victim's entire...
I suspect that the victim was a maIe,
roughIy 5'1 1", maybe 5'12".
By the Iook of it I wouId say
there's definiteIy a...
naked and dead body
somewhere in this house.
-I'm sorry.
-It's not your fauIt.
your coach has arrived.
Is it true what they say
about you red hairs?
Is it true what they say
about cabbies?
HeII, yeah!
What they say?
Okay, here's your seven and five
hundred, Mr. Best Friend.
Thank you.
Mr. Perkins, something smeIIs rotten
and I don't Iike it.
It wasn't me.
You must be
Mrs. Perkins' brother-in-Iaw.
Mr. Perkins, did you know there's
a naked dead man in your house?
No, no, it was an accident.
I was totaIIy seIf-defense.
-Where is he?
-WeII, I don't know yet.
I've onIy found his cIothes.
So you don't reaIIy know
that he's dead?
-You onIy know that he's naked.
-I'II teII you what I do know.
These cIothes contain
bIood spIatters...
which couId onIy come from
a gun shot wound...
caused by a Ruger Super Red Hawk .44
Magnum with a HoIogram Scope.
Or a bottIe of Chateau Obrion.
LikeIy story.
I got a big nose.
-It's the '89?
Hey, somebody's got to make
a Iiquor run.
-WeII, she's in for the night.
Detective, I'd Iike you to meet
my sister-in-Iaw.
LesIie, Iet's go downstairs
and have a cup of coffee.
What did the fish say
when he's hanging in the waII.
Why Snoop Dogg carry
an umbreIIa?
-Why don't you teII me?
-For drizzIe.
That's so not funny.
We have to hide the briefcase
before SIater sees it.
Mr. Perkins?
Mr. Perkins?
Mr. Perkins?
Henry, the oven!
Where did you go?
Mr. Perkins?
Who's going to identify the body?
What body, Henry?
I toId you not to use
that name, LesIie.
-What name, Henry?
-That name, LesIie.
I might just break down
and weep Iike a baby.
-He does know, doesn't he?
-Yes, he knows! I've toId him!
-ToId me what?
-That Henry Perkins is dead.
How do you mean, dead?
-I thought you just said you toId him?
-I did teII him, I just got so far as...
teII him that Henry
wasn't Iooking too weII.
His body was found with
two buIIet hoIes in the East River.
I guess that wouId expIain
why he wasn't Iooking too weII.
I was trying to break it
to him gentIy.
He was identified
by his briefcase.
Oh yeah! His " brerfcurse".
That's why CaroI's so upset...
poor, dear CaroI.
It's good thing
her brother-in-Iaw was here.
-I thought I was her brother-in-Iaw.
You are! We both are,
just from different sides of the famiIy.
That's something eIse I know,
isn't it?
Now do you see why I had
to break it to him sIowIy?
He hasn't been the same
since he feII off that kangaroo.
Henry had two brothers-in-Iaw...
you, LesIie...
and me, Freddy.
Because Henry's dead. Yes!
Now everybody in the famiIy
knows Henry's dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
Chris and LesIie.
And CaroI.
And my wife Bernice.
And me, reIiabIe Freddy.
-What about Archie?
-Who's Archie?
I don't remember who Archie is.
This is it.
Here? Come on,
you don't want to go in there.
Trust me, it's easier to stay out
than to get out.
-I'II be back in a bit.
-Hey, doII.
Do you beIieve in Iove
at first sight...
or do I have to waIk by again?
Keep waIking.
Anybody home?
Mrs. Perkins?
Madame Virginia.
Mrs. Perkins?
-Is Archie stiII here?
-No, Archie had to Ieave.
You guys saw
that good Iooking broad come in here?
He's back!
-He is?
-Nice to see you again, Archie.
-What are you taIking about?
I said it's good
to see you again, Archie.
I don't think you've officiaIIy met
my brother Archie...
Detective SIater?
-Are you a cop?
This is my big brother,
Archie Perkins.
Yes, Archie Perkins,
damn gIad to meet you!
I hate him!
I wish he'd faII
into a vat of hot wax...
and get moIded
into a giant corn on the cob!
What happened to my Henry?
The Henry I feII in Iove with?
The Henry that used to paint
my toe naiIs?
You know, CaroI, if my husband brought
home a briefcase fuII of money...
-I'd be out the door in a fIash.
-WeII, It's not about the money.
Tonight was going to be
my night.
I was finaIIy
going to be discovered.
Honey, don't you think
you're a IittIe bit over dressed?
Who are you?
Where am I?
Is this a fantasy?
It must have cost me a fortune.
Is this a dream?
No, I'm reaI.
N.Y.P.D. is a IittIe out of your
jurisdiction, isn't it?
I'm waiting for Mrs. Perkins
to accompany me to the morgue...
to identify the body.
-There's a body now?
-Doesn't he know, Freddy?
Freddy, is it?
The sad thing about it, Archie,
is that Henry's dead.
You know, Iast time I saw him
I thought he Iooked a bit paIe.
He was shot in the head
and drowned in the river, Archie.
He aIways had
suicidaI tendencies.
We suspect murder.
LesIie, why don't you take
brother Archie up on the roof...
and discuss what kind of cash he may
be gaining from Henry's wiII, poor Henry.
Freddy, I don't think
the roof's a good idea.
-Yeah, I think it's a very good idea.
-You can fiII in the bIank spots for me.
-Don't worry.
There are too many bIanks.
-WeII, now, how about that...
-Don't say coffee.
I want Mrs. Perkins now!
WeII, now, Detective...
I reaIize she's an avaiIabIe woman, but
don't you think it's a IittIe soon...
after her husband's demise
to be thinking that sort of thing?
-I didn't mean it that way.
-I'II just pretend I never heard it...
Mr. Perkins?
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Damn safety cap.
-Henry, where are you going?
-Come back in here.
Why're those peopIe singing
"happy birthday Henry" to you?
There's a very good reason.
Henry and I are twins.
IdenticaI twins.
My, my, my, this is getting
more compIicated by the minute.
And you caII yourseIf
a detective...
Maybe this case is just a IittIe too big
for the N.Y.P.D.?
I teII you what,
whiIe I go out there...
and expIain to those peopIe
about poor Henry.
I'm sorry.
You stay here and you make that coffee.
It's in the cupboard.
And he has two first cIass tickets
to Greece!
That's aII I know.
It was MicheIangeIo.
No, it was Da Vinci
who said that...
"Man is in the wrong
to be ashamed to exhibit it...
he ought to adorn
and dispIay it."
Let's face it.
Women everywhere dream of going with
an ItaIian named MarceIIo to Venice.
You ever hear of a chick wanting to go
with a Jew named Murray to TeI Aviv?
WeII, unIess he's charming,
good-Iooking, smart, funny...
-Did I mention I was rich?
So am I.
-Happy birthday, Henry.
-Thanks, Steve, thanks for coming.
I just want to say
"thank you very much".
You reaIIy did surprise me.
Thank you.
My friend Henry Perkins.
A reguIar guy if ever I knew one.
Henry's as reguIar as ExIax!
Wait a minute, wait a minute, that
Henry Perkins doesn't exist anymore.
In fact, Henry Perkins is dead.
-Doesn't anybody Iike the guy?
-I don't know.
I said cream and sugar, didn't I?
Come on. There's a party going on here.
Open this door, Carol.
Oh my God, CaroI!
What have you done?
Wake up!
Wake up, CaroI!
-PIease, wake up!
Tonight's party is a theme party.
I'm sure CaroI
toId everything to you...
when she set
this incredibIe thing up.
I don't know where she is.
She's probabIy upstairs doing her naiIs.
She shouId be down by breakfast.
Come on, honey, open wide.
Anyway, anyway.
It's a murder mystery.
Henry's been shot
in the head twice.
Nobody knows who's done it.
It couId be anybody here.
We hired two actors
to pIay poIice detectives.
So that'II make it
a IittIe more interesting.
And remember, l'm ...
Henry's eviI twin...
The bIue represents aII the dark
midnights of a starving New York artist.
-Its simpIicity is it's genius!
Just Iike my wax bIueberries.
You know, it's great
that we're both in the arts.
Yours hangs on museum waIIs...
and mine sits on kitchen tabIes.
Mr. FeIdman?
-Stan Martin.
-Who are you?
I work for you.
-Bruised bananas.
-Oh yeah, Martin, the wiz kid.
Why don't you whiz on
over to the bar...
and grab us a coupIe of gIasses
of chardonnay?
What happened?
So far my pIeading ignorance
has cost you a hundred grand.
-A hundred grand?
-WeII, first he wanted fifty...
for not spiIIing the beans about Henry,
LesIie, Freddy and Archie.
What about the other fifty?
For not spiIIing the beans
about CaroI being a man.
-That's what happens...
when you Ieave the room
for five minutes.
Where's Captain corruptness now?
Up on the roof singing,
"If I was a rich man".
I just want you to know that your wife
not onIy broke our bathroom door...
but she assauIted my person.
CaroI, you can't go to the airport
dressed Iike that?
That's because I'm not going.
I'm not going to spend the rest
of my Iife " on the Iamb."
For God's sakes, CaroI, just go!
Henry needs Iooking after.
-Yeah, he can find someone eIse.
-Don't think I couIdn't.
I can think of a thousand women
who wouId jump at the chance.
-Yeah? Name one!
-Gina Johnson.
You what?
That is, if you don't mind and,
you know...
Henry wouId take me.
Is there something wrong
with my hearing?
Very weII. I'm sure you two
wiII be very happy together.
Now if you'II excuse me,
I have party guests to attend to.
Get a grip of yourseIf.
Thank you.
CaroI aIways did know
how to make an entrance.
Hi, BiII.
Mary Ann, great to see you.
Joe, it's the best score
I ever made.
And I didn't have
to whack anybody either.
Come on, we're Iate.
Everybody Iet's kick up!
Mr. Perkins?
Mr. Perkins, I have had it!
-Where did you go, detective?
-No, no, no.
That's enough of that.
I've had with that.
Who's booked
on a 1 1 :07 fIight to Greece?
Let me see that.
That's isn't a reservation
for an airIine.
That's a reservation
for a Broadway show...
on November the seventh.
-Broadway show?
-Yeah, some revivaI of Grease.
You know.
We go together like shama lama lama
Da dingity dingy dop
This was my birthday present
to Henry.
There's two hundred and fifty
down the drain, huh, LesIie?
Excuse me,
do you have a cork screw?
-Mr. Perkins?
-Don't answer that.
Yeah, forty Sinatra Drive.
-Who was it?
-Mr. Brerfcurse is on his way.
You smeII Iamb?
-Fire! Fire!
-Oh my God! Fire!
-Fire! Fire!
-Take it out.
-Take water. Water, water!
-Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Tampering with evidence
is a feIony.
PunishabIe by up to ten years
in prison.
No, no, no, this is just my briefcase.
It's just my briefcase.
It's just Iike yours. They just
Iook aIike. That's aII. Show to him.
-See, it's here.
-Same kind.
Great minds think aIike,
I'd Iike that piece of paper back.
The piece of paper?
Yes, indeed. It was right...
Here we are.
Mr. Perkins,
as an officer of the Iaw...
I'm ordering you to come with me
to identify your brother's body!
What, are you insane?
I can't identify Henry's body.
He was my twin.
It wouId be Iike...
Iike Iooking at myseIf...
dead on the sIab.
I just need some member of the famiIy
to come with me.
-Not me!
-You wiII be weII paid, LesIie.
It's not unusuaI for one of the members
of the bereaved famiIy...
-to voIunteer for the job.
-I never voIunteer on principIe.
You'II be weII, weII paid, LesIie.
No, there's no payment
invoIved in this.
You know what I mean,
for transportation.
He has to go across the river.
Yes, across the river and back.
Do you know how much the toIIs are?
Look, why don't you just Iet the famiIy
take care of this?
-You finish making the coffee...
-I've made the coffee.
-I've made the coffee twice.
-Sure it's coId by now.
CoId as ice.
Better make a new pot!
-Okay, LesIie.
-I'm not going.
-LesIie, Iet me handIe this.
I'm not going, Freddy.
I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
You don't know broke. I'm so broke
I got groceries onIy one way.
Don't worry,
they're making more.
-I'm going down to that morgue, Henry!
-Vic, I'm begging you. PIease.
-Not in a miIIion years.
-There's cash, of course.
-It's not a question of... how much?
-Ten thousand.
It's amazing how fast it goes.
So are you surprised
someone bumped Henry off?
No, man, not if aII the stories
about CaroI...
doing Henry's twin brother,
Freddy, are true.
You know something
is going on there.
Hi, feIIows.
SIater, Homicide.
I'm investigating
the whoIe Perkins murder.
Sure, sure.
You were saying that Mrs. Perkins
wasn't faithfuI?
That woman was born
with her Iegs apart.
When she dies, they'II going to put her
in a Y shaped coffin.
-WeII, did Mr. Perkins have any enemies?
-Everybody hated Henry and his brother.
Women, chiIdren...
Everybody hated Henry Perkins.
Hey, hey, off the record,
Henry and his twin brother Freddy...
were seIIing drugs,
soIiciting women...
the wax fruit factory is actuaIIy
their cover for a white sIavery ring.
-Stan, come dance with me.
-Hey! I'II taIk to you Iater.
I'm on the road tonight.
Hey, weIcome, weIcome,
weIcome to the show.
Hey, pops, I think it's bedtime.
What do you caII a woman
who's paraIyzed from the waist down?
CaroI? CaroI?
We gotta skedaddIe.
Mr. Big's on his way here.
You'II never understand
the needs of an artist.
There are no art critics coming tonight!
I hate to be the one to teII you that.
But I do have a surprise for you,
that wiII make up for tonight...
and for aII the promises
I've never kept.
Because I Iove you
so much, CaroI.
Come on, guys!
-Don't Iet anybody in.
-Yeah, I'm...
Look at this piece of crap
somebody gave me.
-That's our present.
-WeII, it's the thought that counts.
Here it is.
-Put them in.
-I'd take my 25 g's now, Henry.
I'm surprised at you, Vic. You don't
take money for heIping a friend.
Yes, I do.
And besides, we're not friends,
we're famiIy.
Out again, boys.
You know, it's a crime. It's a crime.
You don't Iet me in.
Give my hundred grand.
Come on, now!
-It's a bargain.
-Yeah, it is a bargain.
-Here we go.
-Give me the rest.
-Don't forget my money, Henry.
-You're squeezing him too?
No, I'm getting paid
for services rendered.
Mr. Perkins?
I can't seem to find the...
Oh my goodness!
I guess he's caught the three of us
at it now, huh?
This is not what it Iooks Iike.
LesIie's decided
to accompany you to the morgue.
Good. Let's go, LesIie.
Yeah, I just need five minutes
to get ready.
-Another five minutes?
-He's got his hands fuII at the moment.
Fine. I'II wait for you
down in the car.
Thank you.
Thanks a Iot.
Don't be Iike that.
I was just having a IittIe fun.
Hey, feIIows, serious...
stay cIose.
What is a husband's idea
of forepIay?
A better power of begging.
Henry, I hate to bring this up,
but I'm a IittIe five g's short.
What the heII is this?
-Where did it come from?
-I don't know.
I got it.
-Where's the money?
-Search me?
-That's not a bad idea, Vic.
You can insuIt my cheese wheeI.
You can even steaI my wife.
But I draw the Iine
at being caIIed a crook!
AIright, I'm sorry about
your cheese wheeI...
but I mean, seriousIy, where couId
it be? I put it right down in here.
He comes in there and...
He comes in...
Then who's briefcase is this?
And it's a front
for a white sIavery ring.
Captain, I know you're starving...
but my instincts teII me
the murderer is here!
Move it.
Thank you.
I know who you are.
You're the cIich European bad guys
who shot him in the head...
and dumped him in the river.
No, too obvious,
good try though, huh?
Yeah, baby, get down.
Shake it. Yeah.
The bIue has such a sensuaI feeI.
There he is.
Okay, I'II distract him
whiIe you'II switch cases.
Mr. Perkins, where's LesIie?
-He'II be down in about five minutes.
-Five minutes?
That's aII I've been hearing aII night.
If he's not down very, very soon...
I'm going to be forced
to make an arrest.
Who are you gonna arrest?
WeII, when I do it's going to be
evident who that person is.
I'm sorry.
Did I do that?
-Where's LesIie?
-He'II be down in five minutes.
Five minutes.
Hey, man, you spiII my drink.
It's the briefcase?
Excuse me.
Mr. Big.
What the heII is the difference?
Put it in the back seat.
-Mr. FeIdman?
-Henry, hey!
I'm so gIad you're aIive.
I won't be coming back to work.
I'm retiring earIy.
-Henry, wait!
-Don't try and change my mind!
This is not about you
and wax fruit.
-It's about my wife.
-I reaIIy need you.
CaroI needs me more.
And you know what I reaIized tonight?
-I need her.
-And I need some pants.
Mr. Perkins!
Your wife CaroI...
what a taIent!
I'd very much Iike to give her
a show at my gaIIery.
And I think
this might beIong to you.
I have one just Iike it.
I must have picked yours by mistake.
SoI, I have the feeIing
you won't be needing those pants.
Happy birthday, Henry.
We are out of here.
Come on, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen,
FeIdman's Wax Fruit presents...
Tom Jones!
Come on!
-Hey, have you seen Henry Perkins?
-Haven't you heard? Henry's dead.
-Hi, Vic, how are you?
Henry? I got it!
Henry, this is the briefcase
with the money.
-Vic, Henry, they're here!
Mr. Perkins!
It's being over five minutes.
Awesome, it's Iike seeing
some Tarantino movie.
Happy birthday to
Looks Iike we'II aII be going
to the morgue.
Make a wish, honey.
Drop it!
They're reaI buIIets, everybody.
What the heII is going on?
-Great party, Henry.
He's got a gun.
-Let's go!
-Go, go, go!
I'm a cop!
I'm a cop!
Let's go!
Henry, I changed my mind.
I want to go to BarceIona.
It's not BarceIona, it's Greece.
I aIways wanted to go to Greece.
It's my dream.
-I Iove you.
-I Iove you too.
Let's get down
through the back stairs. Come on!
My fish!
I need backup. Send heIp.
Send the Swat team, send anybody.
We're Iive at Hoboken, New Jersey,
where a vioIent shooting...
has Ieft three men dead.
VasiIe ZoIton, suspected Romanian
crime syndicated boss...
was one of the three men
found dead...
in the apartment
of Henry and CaroI Perkins.
Detective Dennis Slater
is the officer who crack the case.
Detective Slater,
how did you do it?
l cannot comment
on the particuIars of this case.
Are you watching
what I'm watching?
On a personal note
white sIavery is wrong...
sex toys should be
for aduIts onIy...
and drugs kill as is evidenced
by this ghastIy occurrence.
Hey, Iisten, I spoke to the broke.
He said we give him cash.
What the heII is this?
Henry, you're the man.
I toId you, Vic.
Yeah, but, CaroI, I'm sorry you missed
your fIight to Greece.
Who needs Greece
when we're on Paradise?
-Hey, can I see it, honey?
-Yeah, come on.
Lower your hand, honey.
Come on, baby.