Funny Story (2018) Movie Script

[vintage jazz]
MAN: If I were gonna use
one word to describe you,
I think to would be...
Your interests are
sort of narrow and limited,
and I'm not using the word
"acute" correctly.
I don't think that's
the right word to describe you.
But your interests
are really sort of...
specific and specialized
and to just a few things like...
fashion and reality television
and your phone.
And that's okay.
And me, I'm a little more
obtuse, you know?
My interests are
a little bit more broad.
I like, um, everything else
that's going on around me.
I like, you know,
being an adult
and culture and arts
and reading in general.
You know, general reading.
And what is see is,
I see you, uh,
going this way
and taking your gorgeous
five-year-old daughter with you,
and you guys
are gonna go that way.
I'm here.
I've always been here.
But now I'm heading this way.
So we are heading in these
two directions separately.
And, um...
That's, uh...
That's kind of like a weird
cinnamon Pop-Tart, that flavor.
I think it's a good thing
that we're separate now.
I think that we've had
a fantastic time,
and now is the time
to let bygones be bygones
and just sort of
call it a day.
I'm pregnant.
There's a pain
In my heart
And it's deep
Down inside
It's there
There to stay
Till you come back to me
There's a pain
In my heart
And it's tearing me apart
[changing channel]
Didn't wanna
have to do it
Didn't wanna have
to break your heart
Didn't wanna
have to do it
I kept her hoping
from the very start
But you
Kept on a-trying
And I knew
That you'd end up crying
And I knew I didn't wanna
have to do it
At all
Turn to Psalm 23, please.
"The Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures.
He leadeth me
beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me
in the paths of righteousness."
Could Jesus have a garden
for a flowers gain
Where you and I
can gather those
- Hey, Kim.
- Hi, dear.
- Hi.
- It's so good to see you.
- You been good?
- Yeah.
You feel good.
How did you know Judy?
I'm her daughter.
I won't be in town.
I got... plans.
- Fuck
- Do you want help with that?
I'm locked out of my own phone.
I just eat when I'm nervous.
You know,
funerals make me nervous.
Did that hurt?
You got a little schmutz on you.
Where have you been?
What do you have to do,
see about a boy?
What's his name, Alan?
I never know
what you're talking about.
Was his name not Alan?
Was it Alison?
It's hard to tell
from the haircut
if it was a boy or a girl.
Are you stalking me on Facebook?
You have some schmutz on you.
Sorry that I never ran into you
at the hospital.
Yeah, I never
went to the hospital.
WOMAN: She was there
almost a whole year.
Poor thing.
My lord, Master Youngblood,
the rebel planet is closing in.
Look at that. That man's
a half-a-horse, isn't he?
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hm.
Prepare the armies, Petar.
But, sir,
we'll surely be stricken down
by the insurmountable might
of their armies.
You may be immortal, sir,
but our armies,
they'll be snuffed out
like the flames of Ridgewind.
Last blood moon,
I swore on my father,
son of Balthazar...
That's a bad show.
And by the power
of this sword,
- it shall be so.
- Yes, my lord.
They say I had the best hair
in daytime television.
The couch is buzzing.
- Hmm?
- The couch is buzzing.
[phone ringing]
Hey, Dad.
Hey, sweetie. How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
- I'm good.
Look at your hair.
Turn your head to the side.
Oh, my God,
it's really short.
- I cut it.
- You did cut it.
You cut it all off.
It looks really good.
Thank you.
How've you been? What's new?
What is that behind you?
Is that a parrot?
A cockatoo.
I didn't pick it out.
How, uh, how are they?
They're good, they're good.
She starts preschool
in a few months.
Which one?
Good one.
All right, so am I
picking you up at the airport,
or you staying with
your mother again?
Oh, I totally forgot.
I can't come this week.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
You're breaking up.
You sounded like you said
you're not coming.
I can't this week,
but I promise I'm gonna
come later this year.
I'm going down to Big Sur
this week with some friends,
and it's kind of important.
We already booked it
and everything.
Oh, God, Big Sur.
Big Sur is fantastic.
Yeah. It's gonna be great.
I wish you were there.
Well, you know,
actually, I'm gonna be up
at Creature Con
in San Francisco this weekend.
I could just take the car.
I could drive up.
I could stay with you
for a few days.
Yeah, yeah, that could work.
I mean, I think--
I don't know if we have
any extra rooms or anything.
I'm easy. I'm totally easy.
All I need is a bed.
So you're gonna come.
I'm gonna come. I'm coming.
Okay, great.
- [horn honks]
- [engine knocking]
- [horn honks]
- [engine stops]
So fucking fuck. I don't know
what to do about it.
They say it's gonna take a week
to get some part.
No, a week.
I'll get there. I just--
So you don't want me to come?
It's not that.
I just wanna reconnect with Nic
and tell her in person.
You can totally do all of that
with me there.
Yeah, maybe, but she's always
a bit standoffish
whenever I bring around
the girl
that ended my marriage
to her mother.
- Hey, hey, whoa! Baby!
- What?
My doula said
it's totally safe for the baby.
Plus, it's not even
real smoking.
Okay, well,
this isn't a real gun,
but you can't do this
at a cop.
It's bad.
Why can't you just like call her
or send her a text?
Why do you have to be
so dramatical?
She's my daughter.
I'm not gonna send her
some pacifier and confetti
or pregnant panda emoji
or some such shit.
So you're seriously okay
with missing Kelsey Tumble's
23rd birthday party
in the treasure room
at Club Deviant?
Yeah, I am.
Then drive up there all alone
with no one to comfort you
when it all blows up
in your face.
Yeah. Honey, uh...
You wanna give me a ride
to the train station?
[head banging on roof]
You like that?
Don't move, don't move.
Tremendous focus.
[phone buzzing]
[phone buzzing]
[engine starts]
Hey there!
- Kim?
- Yeah.
- Walter.
- Great.
You need a hand?
No, I got it.
Hey there.
Hi. Thanks.
Hey, can I move this?
Yeah, I got that for us.
I didn't know what you liked,
so I got some bagels
and croissants, cake pops,
some waters in there.
- Cool, thanks.
- There's a tuna salad,
but maybe you don't want
to open that in the car.
Oh, I got that for me.
I mean, you can have it
if you want,
but just so you know,
I got that for me.
So what do you want
to know about me?
I think Nic told me everything
I need to know. I'm good.
Yeah? What'd she say?
I'm gonna plug in
'cause I have a headache.
You do you.
It's too late
For tears
Honey, it's too late
Too late to cry
Oh, but it's too late
Oh, for begging me, baby
- Yo, where we going?
- You like Chinese food?
Yeah, sure,
but can't we just keep going?
No. This is
Nic's favorite restaurant.
You're gonna love it.
- World class noodles.
- Tremendous.
Like there's noodles, and then
there's world-class noodles,
then there's where I'm about
to take you, above and beyond.
So you met Nic in school, huh?
Yeah, I went to Berkeley
for a minute.
- She sort of saved me.
- Thank you so much.
I met Nic in psych class.
So what'd you major in?
I didn't finish.
Oh, okay, well, no judgment.
I'm not your parent.
I assume they were cool with it.
There is no they, just him.
And no.
Okay, I think I know
what that means.
Not on good terms
with your mom, huh?
Yeah, hard to be on good terms
with someone who's dead.
Okay, do you have
a problem with me?
Can just cut
the fucking bullshit, man?
You don't get to
come and pick me up
and act like you're
saving the fucking day.
You don't get a free pass.
Takes a special kind
of douchebag
to cheat on his wife
with a woman half his age.
Whoa, whoa, hold on.
You think you're on good terms
with Nic? You're not.
One decent year doesn't make up
for a lifetime of fuckups.
Don't pretend you know
my daughter better than I do
just cause you sat next to her
in an entry level psych class
for one semester,
before it was too hard.
Hi, Walter.
Mr. Campbell, Water Campbell.
We would never bother you
during lunch,
but could we get a photo?
We are huge Youngbloodfans.
- WALTER: Absolutely.
- Oh, really?
- Absolutely, guys.
- That's so awesome.
- Sorry to interrupt.
- Let's do this.
Ready to go.
One, two, three.
ALL: Youngbloods!
- All right, you guys, good job.
- I can send this to you.
KIM: Is it weird having fans?
It's a little weird, especially
when I'm having an argument
with someone in a restaurant
when someone comes up
for a picture.
Yeah, it'll be pretty funny
when they look at the picture
and see a crying girl
in the background,
giving you the finger.
- You did that?
- Maybe.
I'm sorry I made you cry.
Yeah, you did.
You know, for someone so small,
you wear a huge layer of bitch.
You mind if I smoke in here?
So is that true what you said?
Nic's still mad at me?
Yeah, she's still pretty pissed.
About the divorce?
About the divorce.
About you cheating on your wife
and the divorce.
I see her
like three times a year.
I apologize every time.
And it's been like two years.
She's always said it was okay.
She's just saying that.
She's just saying that?
So she's saying it's okay,
but it's not okay.
Well, when is it gonna be okay?
It's not.
So basically I'm fucked.
Yeah, basically you're fucked.
That's a good talk.
- This is an interesting choice.
- Yeah, I like it.
Doesn't seem very you.
- Well, it's comfortable.
- [bell dings]
- Hey, you.
- Hello.
- Welcome back.
- It's nice to be back.
Checking in?
Yeah, it's under
Arthur Fonzarelli.
- Fonzarelli?
- Shh. Pseudonym.
Okay, all set.
Breakfast is at 7:30.
- I need a second room.
- Oh.
Well, unfortunately
because of the bike race,
the whole house is booked up
for the week,
so unless you want
to stay with me,
a second room
is not an option.
One room's fine.
Are you sure?
Yeah, just don't be creepy.
Here are your keys.
Mr. Fonzarelli,
you know where to go.
Thank you.
There is a house
So how did you end up
in San Diego?
My mom.
They had the service
down there yesterday.
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm great.
In a way,
it was kind of a relief.
At least we don't
have to fight anymore.
I can make all my own decisions,
just like a big girl.
If you don't mind my asking,
how did she pass?
Oh, you know, the usual--
cancer, boob cancer.
Boob cancer.
Boob cancer took my mother.
She was pretty much dead
to me before.
The whole cancer death thing
kind of makes it official,
doesn't it?
Was there a fight or...
Yeah, there were
a lot of fights.
Most of them were just bullshit.
I don't know. I could always
just tell she didn't really...
didn't really like me,
you know?
Is there anything about her
you really liked?
Yeah. She was funny.
She could always make me laugh.
When's the last time
you talked to her?
A year ago.
I was gonna go visit her
when she got sick.
I didn't. I just couldn't.
I couldn't.
I try to live without regrets.
I guess I'm shit out of luck
on this one.
Well, talking about regrets,
that's the title of my book.
That's funny.
No, no, I have a book
called Regrets.
There's a picture of me
on the front
with my head on my
Claymore sword from Youngblood.
I never thought that
this science fiction series
was gonna take off.
Never thought the pilot
was gonna make it.
And now, as it is,
I can't walk down the street
without somebody doing this.
What the hell is that?
That is the call
of Faigon's breath,
- [laughter]
- a mythical dragon.
Oh, my God.
That is so embarrassing.
that's so embarrassing.
Never do
what I have done
But embarrassing
has paid for my house,
and it's paid
for my ex's house,
and it's paid for
my daughter's education,
sometimes regrets
are our blessings.
I like that.
WAITER: Can I get you
another drink?
Will you do a shot with me?
Count to three.
All right, that was fun, huh?
By the way, there is
a gray Hyundai Elantra
in a fire zone.
Oh, oh, God.
Next up we have Walter,
aka Mr. Fonzarelli,
who's gonna be singing
Unchained Melody.
- I'm sorry.
- I signed you up.
- You gotta go up.
- I'm not going up.
You have to go up.
It's gonna be amazing.
- I'm not going up.
- Please do it.
It'll be your penance
for being
such a horrible human being.
Well, when you put it that way,
then I'm just going up then.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers!
- Jesus.
- One, two, count of three, go.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Greetings, Solvang!
This goes out to anyone
who's ever had a dream.
My love
My darling
I've hungered for your touch
A long
Lonely time
And time
Goes by
So slowly
And time can do so much
Are you
Still mine
I need your love
I need your love
Godspeed your love
To me
That's what you get, fuckers!
[cheering continues]
Yeah! Whoo!
Pretty good, huh?
Thank you.
- Wow.
- See? I told you.
Yes, that was amazing.
What you gonna do
When you say to a man
He has lost control
Take a look at him now
He has lost his soul
It's plain enough
as I can be
I should tell him so
The weight of the world
is on his shoulder
What you gonna do
[water running]
Nice butt.
Oh, boy.
WALTER: Is this
the turnoff here?
KIM: No, it's a little further,
I think.
- You think?
- Yeah.
Please, stay quiet.
LUCY: Hey, babe.
Haven't heard from you.
You're not gonna believe this.
Oh, yeah, what's up?
Okay, so I was
coming out of yoga,
and Carrie and I
were talking about
a reliable maid service,
and I felt a kick
right in my abdomen.
- That's great.
- I know!
Everyone's saying
that it's probably too early,
but I know for sure
it was the baby.
Yeah, that's great.
You're kind of breaking up.
Reception up here
is really spotty.
I'll call you later.
Okay, love you.
Okay, bye.
You're having a baby?
she's having a baby.
Yeah, but you
fucked it into her.
Very colorful way of
putting it, Kim. Thank you.
Does Nic know?
No. That's why
I'm coming up here.
I'd appreciate it if you
keep it on the lowdown.
Yeah, well, let's just keep
everything on the lowdown.
Kim's here.
NIC: Hey, Dad.
WALTER: Hey, sweetie.
- Oh, it's good to see you.
- You too.
- How was the drive?
- It was good, it was good.
Kim is quality company.
- Hey.
- Hi, babe.
- Missed you.
- Missed you too.
- How was the drive?
- Drive was good.
Oh, you look so cute.
I don't want to be too dramatic,
but, uh...
I didn't really know how
to tell you over the phone.
I just kind of went with it.
No, it's, it's good.
Whatever, um...
I think it's great, you know,
as long as you're happy, right?
Love is love. It's...
This is wonderful, I think.
I don't have anything I can say
that isn't gonna come out weird,
to let you know
that I'm down with this.
Maybe just-- Really.
Just double thumbs up.
Thanks. That means a lot.
You're taking this really well.
Yeah, yeah, well, it's okay.
This is-- It's okay.
A lot of things in nature
are gay, right?
Did you know
that bees are gay?
No. I don't think
bees are gay, actually.
No, I thought they are.
They're not?
- No.
- Goddamn!
Those close-minded bees, right?
I thought they were
more progressive.
Do you want me to help you
with your bags?
Sure, that'd be great.
Thank you.
- Let me help you, honey.
- I got it.
Boy, it's really beautiful here!
Oh, hey.
Oh, hi. I'm Tamara.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Walter. I'm Nic's dad.
Yeah, I know.
Hey. Paula.
NIC: You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
It is what it is.
I just wish I would've been
there for you at the funeral.
No, don't. You couldn't
have been there anyway.
I told you my family
would've freaked out.
I know, but I just want you
to know that I'm here for you.
- I know.
- I love you.
I love you too.
- I gotta help.
- No.
- Come on.
- No!
I'm Moon.
Is that your name? Moon?
Yes. Moon.
I made you a dream catcher.
Thank you. That's very, um...
That was very sweet of you.
Thank you, Moon.
I'm gonna go talk
to the next person now.
- Okay.
- Okay.
GIRL: Oh, hey.
- You're Nic's dad.
- Yeah.
So nice to finally meet you.
- Yeah, I'm Walter.
- I'm Brian.
- Brian?
- Yes.
That's my dad's name.
- What?
- Yeah.
You're dad,
does he spell it with a Y?
No, no, with an I.
Oh, my God.
That's how I spell it.
- That's so weird.
- That's the weirdest thing.
Wow. Small world.
This is where
you're gonna be staying.
It's technically
Moon River's room,
but she's been exclusively
in that teepee.
Wow. This is great.
So listen, Nic.
I-I really am cool
with... everything.
Cool, well, I appreciate it.
I didn't know how you were
gonna react, actually.
I... Mom took a couple days
to adjust.
You told your mom?
When'd you do that?
Recently, like within
the last year or so.
Um, I just never really knew
how to tell you, you know?
You just tell me,
you know.
I mean, I'm cool.
I'm around.
Well, yeah.
I mean, now, yeah.
I just-- You can...
You can tell me anything.
- Okay.
- No judgment.
Ready for the hike?
Yeah, I forgot.
We're actually...
We're gonna go on a hike,
if you want to join.
- We're going to the falls.
- Oh, really? Fun.
- It's incredible.
- I'll get my running shoes.
I mean, if you're up for it.
I don't know if you're
exhausted from the drive.
It's kind of strenuous.
Nic, I'm from Los Angeles.
We're a hiking people.
Hiking is what we do.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- You can settle in.
- All right.
Hey, babe, you want
to come on the hike,
or you're still not
feeling so good?
Yeah, I think I'm just gonna
sit this one out, babe.
Are you sure?
A little fresh air might help.
- The waterfall's unreal.
- I bet.
It's just a long drive.
I'm tired.
Okay, no worries.
Paula and Moon are staying back
if you want to get dinner going.
KIM: Yeah, of course.
That sounds good.
Okay. We'll be back
in an hour or two. I love you.
- Come on, you ready to hike?
- Am I ready?
Try to keep up.
NIC: It's so nice out.
I love this trail.
I know.
I came here
like five years ago,
and it's really
overgrown actually.
It's really pretty,
especially in the summer.
I think we're really close.
It's just up here.
- You okay back there, Dad?
- Okay!
Actually, I think
I need to stop.
- Here, have some water.
- I'm actually gonna die.
Thank you.
Hey, I don't wanna
make this weird,
but I can't believe I'm on
a hike with Master Youngblood.
I can't believe
you watch that show.
Are you kidding me?
"If you need me,
there I shall be."
What in the hell is that?
Call of Faigon's breath.
That show like
was my childhood.
I bet Nic knows every line.
I actually never really
cared for sci-fi.
I like documentaries.
Well, it was fantasy.
I liked Youngblood.
- Wow.
- Hi, guys.
Welcome back.
This is amazing.
KIM: How was it?
Oh, my God,
what is that smell?
It's like a serious
thick mold or something.
- Thanks.
- What does that mean?
No, I mean, it's like a fungus.
Nobody else smells that?
- Moon, help me out.
- Hmm?
Dad, how about you
go get cleaned up for dinner?
Yeah, good idea.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, Kim, I think I left
something in your bag.
- Can you help me look for it?
- After dinner.
WOMAN: It's like tomato paste.
WALTER: That's what that is.
- You didn't get any?
- No.
[group chatter]
- Did you try this?
- Okay.
- It's so good.
- Mmm!
Dragon bean?
So were the weapons
on set real?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, they were dull.
They dull the blades
so nobody can get cut,
except I was stabbed
in the head once.
I was stabbed in the head.
- You nailed the okra.
- Oh, thank you.
Twisted his ankle 'cause he got
one of his hooves caught.
He's a total trooper.
I love Petar.
- Oh, this is amazing.
- Yeah, it's all right.
Pass the pepper, babe.
Dad, can you pass Kim
the pepper?
BRIAN: A friend to the end.
He was so cute.
I never wanted
to marry a horse but him.
How was your journey
with Kim, Walter?
Was it fulfilling?
It was uneventful, but...
it was beautiful scenery.
Um, you know,
I'd like to
take this opportunity
to thank you guys
for having this meal outside.
It really de-fumigated
the whole situation.
And thank you Paula
for not giving me a mushroom.
You're welcome, Walter.
And a special shout-out
to Tamara for the hot sauce.
You're a lifesaver,
Thank you, all.
Thank you for having me.
Lovely, lovely.
A votre sant.
Also, um...
I would like to know...
I have a few questions,
if it's okay to ask.
And they're probably stupid,
I'm sure.
- NIC: Okay.
- But...
I'm gonna give you three.
No judgment. Fire away.
- WALTER: Okay.
- You're generous.
What is the dynamic with y'alls?
What's going on here?
I know there's some pretty
interesting vibes flying around.
And I understand you and you,
and I kind of feel you and you
and you and you.
What is it though?
What's going on with you guys?
I'll bite.
We're together. We're gay.
Hey, I'm not gay.
Oh, well, you turned her.
I, for one,
think labels are harmful.
I love what I love.
Okay. I don't know
what that means.
I'm bisexual,
and I've been known to dabble.
- She's a dabbler.
- Dabble away, girlfriend.
Big-time dabbler.
Yabble dabble do.
I don't know
what that means either.
Um, what-- How many more
questions do I have?
Two? Okay.
So who is the guy
in the relationship?
Who's the man?
We're both girls.
There is no guy, Dad.
It's kind of
old-school thinking.
It's a little sexist, actually.
What happened to no judgment?
I'm just saying
who's the instigator.
I just want to know who,
who holds the door open
for the other naturally?
- Who offers to pay the bill?
- NIC: We both do.
I think you held the door open
this morning,
I held the door open
this afternoon,
and then we just trade.
- It's easy to open a door.
- But there's a schedule.
There's no tendency?
There are no doors.
All right, well,
that takes care of that.
Last question then.
How old were you
when you knew?
When did you know?
Well, when did you first know
that you liked the ladies?
First grade, maybe.
Oh, so you were
born straight?
You're environmentally
turned straight, what, age 6?
Okay, you salty bitches.
- That is it. I'm sorry.
- [laughter]
I'm out. No more questions.
I'm done. I'm sorry.
Okay, now that
that's over with...
Ooh, the lady speaks.
I just want to thank everyone
for coming out.
This place is really special,
and I care about you all
so much.
That's why we invited you.
And I think you all know
the plan,
except for you, Dad.
Kim and I have been together
for eighteen months,
eleven days, seven hours,
and 28, 29, 30 seconds.
she's my whole heart
and my whole soul.
And I'm so happy
to finally take the next step
with you tomorrow
and at long last
make you my wife.
BRIAN: Save it for the wedding!
Hey, can I get in your bag?
I really need it.
I can't. Not now.
Now. You and me
in the teepee now.
Thanks again
for the great food.
- What the fuck was that?
- Just keep your voice down.
It was bad enough I showed up
and had it dumped on my head
that I fucked
my daughter's girlfriend.
- Shut up.
- But I'm like, "Fine."
That's okay.
I can keep a secret
because hopefully
your relationship won't last.
But it turns out you're not
temporary at all, are you?
Till death do you part?
That's cute.
The guy who divorced his wife
is telling me
that marriage is forever.
That is ice fucking cold.
You sat next to me
for eight hours,
and you didn't say a word.
How did you think
this was gonna go?
I was gonna sit here and watch
all this unfold quietly?
I was counting on it because,
let's face it, you and I,
we're gonna be seeing
a lot of each other.
Oh, we gonna be one big
happy fucking family?
We gonna go to Hawaii
and snorkel?
Your daughter
is the only good thing
that I have going for me.
And I will be damned
if you fuck it up
because of
some fucking accident.
Accident? An accident?
An accident is when
you spill wine on the carpet.
Letting your fiance's dad
fuck you against an armoire
can't be soaked up
with paper towels.
Your pregnant girlfriend
called you
from her fucking baby
preparation yoga class today,
so you just stay
in your glass mansion,
and you stop throwing rocks.
You're getting married!
Oh, ladies!
Yeah, you were.
You pretend to be.
- Come on!
- Okay, be nice.
Have some, take some.
- No, no, no, I'm good.
- Come on, Dad.
- Guys, you wanna open presents?
- Yes! Presents!
Isn't it bad luck to open
presents before the wedding?
I don't know, Dad.
What way did you do it again?
Sexy over there.
"From Paula and Tamara."
Oh, my gosh!
- A space heater.
- You're welcome.
Our apartment is
fully equipped with heating,
but this will come in handy.
Get in there! Whoo!
Come on!
Hey, Moon River's up next.
I'm so excited.
Oh, my gosh. A blanket.
Thank you, Moon.
Our apartment
does have heating.
So sweet.
Nic, Kim,
I purchased a well
in both of your names.
It will be installed
in a remote village in Ghana,
and it will give fresh drinking
water to thousands of people
because of your love.
You're the sweetest.
I love it.
That's incredible.
I also got you
thermal jammies.
No way!
You guys always look so cold.
I didn't know
we looked that cold.
- You guys are the best.
- My goodness.
Well, it's obviously,
it's last-minute,
but that doesn't mean I don't
have something up my sleeve.
I would like
to treat the two of you
and myself...
to a trip to Hawaii.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Dad, that's incredible.
I mean, you don't have to,
Yeah, Dad, you--
Wow, you don't have to.
No, just name a time,
and I'll book it.
Next week?
We were gonna staycation here,
but we have the time off.
I mean, maybe.
Consider it done.
That's amazing!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
To Hawaii!
To Hawaii.
I hear the snorkeling
is amazing.
Oh. Okay, now
time for Youngblood.
- Yay!
- Youngblood!
This is like
my favorite episode ever.
GIRL: Master Youngblood,
you saved us.
If you need me,
there I shall be.
Was that your real hair
back then?
Yes, it was.
Under the wig.
- Homemade wig.
- Hey, I'm gonna go take a bath.
The dragon's real.
WALTER: The dragon
is completely real.
Hey, you're missing it.
MAN: You'll never defeat me,
Not now, not ever!
- Faigon!
- [growling]
No! No!
Thank you, my friend.
You were in really good shape.
I was in good shape.
What happened?
Your okra.
I hope you learned
a valuable lesson today, Petar.
Honesty cannot thrive
when you harbor a lie.
Honesty is a virtue
of warriors
and Youngblood moon pies,
the snacks of heroes.
Mmm. That's...
- That was so good.
- Bravo.
It was so good.
That was blatant
product placement.
It was. Is this weird?
I think that's the first time
I ever noticed it.
Do you still get paid
from the show?
Yeah. Actually, I'm going
to Creature Con
in San Francisco
right after this.
It's kind of crazy.
Is that like a festival?
It's like a hangout.
People pay to meet me
and give them autographs
and sign their foam swords.
- [laughter]
- Cool, Dad.
Hearing it said out loud,
it really is pretty lame.
I guess we got
our own VIP Creature Con.
Don't have to pay.
It's about time we hit the hay.
Big day tomorrow.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you so much.
This was really sweet.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Thank you. Night.
Love you.
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow. Good night.
WALTER: Good night,
good night.
- Night, Dad.
- Good night, sweetheart.
Get set for Hawaii.
You had goodness in mind.
I just want you to know
I am so proud of you.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm actually really glad
that you decided to come.
It's actually a lot cooler
having you here
than I thought it would be.
Well, I should give you
trips to Hawaii more often.
No, seriously, it's, um...
I know I've given you
a lot of flack over the years
for your life choices,
but I just see
that you've turned a corner.
I've really noticed.
- See you in the morning.
- Good night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry. Did I wake you?
No, no, I was up.
It's like the night before
Christmas or something.
Yeah, big day tomorrow.
Small ceremony,
but big day.
So what's up?
I kinda had an idea.
May I?
Yeah, of course.
Oh, this is cold.
How long have you
been in here for?
A while.
Do you want to heat things up
a little bit?
Sorry. It's just...
just weird timing.
You know, with my mom.
I knew we should've
postponed this.
You need to grieve.
It's important.
Don't tell me how to feel.
People been telling me
how to feel my whole life.
I don't need that from you.
I'm just trying to help, okay?
Yeah, I know, I know.
I'm pruning.
[door closes]
it's sort of a weird
hypothetical question for you.
If you had a secret,
and you knew that it would
ruin somebody's life,
would you keep it a secret,
or would you come clean?
Well, why would you want
to ruin someone's life?
That's really timid.
Well, maybe you're not
doing it right.
I have a black belt
in smoking pot.
Then you probably
tried this before.
That was really
junior high school of you.
Thank you.
Uh, um...
as amazing and convenient
and perky as this is,
I don't think I can do this.
What's wrong?
Do you have dick issues?
No. No, I don't have
dick issues.
My dick works.
I just...
I shouldn't do this.
I-I can't, and I won't.
Okay, calm down.
It was just for fun.
I know, as fun as it would be
to have sex with
a hot girl named Brian,
I gotta take a pass.
If I did this,
I'd pretty much be
the worst person I ever met.
I hope tomorrow isn't awkward.
I think tomorrow is going
to be extremely awkward.
Good night.
I gotta tell you something.
It's about your dad.
Oh, I'm in here.
Oh, oh, that's okay.
I was done, Tamara.
It's a little weird, Moon.
I had a feeling
you were gonna say something.
Do we have any of that
Paulo Santo left
to do like a chakra cleansing
ritual before the ceremony?
Yeah, we should. We had
a lot of that stuff.
Uh, hey.
You look like shit.
Oh, thank you, Paula.
Thanks for that.
Has anyone seen Nic?
Brides aren't supposed to see
each other before the ceremony.
It's bad luck.
[line rings]
Would you like a hot dog?
They're very good.
I know you probably--
They're gluten-free.
The buns are gluten-free.
You're all so busy suntanning
and doing your selfie-taking.
Walter, how the hell
are you buddy?
Not too good, buddy.
Listen, can I run
something by you?
Yeah, sure.
I'll just get into it.
I just found out
my daughter is gay,
which really isn't a problem,
except that I found out
directly after I had sex with
her girlfriend-slash-fiance.
I'm in Big Sur, and they're
about to get married
in front of a teepee
in about two hours.
Holy shit.
So I'm just thinking about
just coming out with it
and, you know,
just coming out with it
before the wedding.
Is that a good idea?
Should I...
Is that the right thing to do?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You had sex with
your daughter's girlfriend?
And you're feeling bad
about that.
Um, I don't follow.
There isn't a day that goes by
that I don't think about
lining up my daughter's friends
one by one by one
and fucking 'em.
Every time with my wife,
that's what I'm thinking about.
I can't stop it.
I don't want to.
Right now they're outside...
having a pool party.
And when I walk over,
and I wave,
and I say,
"How's it going, girls?"
they look at me like
I don't even have a dick.
You didn't fly too close
to the sun, Walter.
You flew through it.
Don't you see?
You touched the hand of God,
and you're feeling guilty?
I feel guilty.
You shut your fucking mouth,
and you get down on your knees
and you thank whatever god
you want to.
You can pick one because
they've all smiled on you.
But whatever you do,
don't you spit in their faces.
Yeah, it happened,
and maybe you'd take it back
if you could,
but don't make
your daughter miserable
just because you had
the time of your life.
- Hey, Karen's dad!
- Yes, Tina?
How do you turn on the Jacuzzi?
It's the last button
all the way to the left.
- The little blue one.
- Jack?
TINA: Okay, thank you.
- [girls cheering]
- I gotta go.
Okay, you be good.
And whatever you do,
take a lot of pictures.
Peace out.
You are so pretty,
it's like actually disgusting.
- Is that true?
- I can't look at your face.
If it was me being this in love
like you and Nic are,
I couldn't do a small wedding.
I'd have to do
like a big wedding.
WALTER: Hey, sweetie.
You okay?
Kim told me.
I was just coming over here
to tell you.
I get it. I get why
you would wait to tell me.
I've been wracking my brain,
trying to figure out
the best way to tell you.
It's just...
I was drunk.
It was just sex.
There was no emotion.
I know how babies
are made, okay?
It's like you're starting
another family or something.
It's like ours wasn't
good enough for you, and...
it's like your building
another one on top of it.
Honey, you've got it wrong.
is not family to me
like you are.
You know, I didn't want
to have any family here
because of all the shit
with you guys.
I thought it would be
bad vibes all around.
But now that I'm here,
and it's the day
that I'm getting married...
I really wish
Mom was here too.
I feel like I fucked
this whole thing up.
You didn't mess anything up.
If anything, I did.
No. Actually, everyone
really likes you.
You passed the Kim test.
You really love her, huh?
I do.
Well, then there's no hurry.
You don't have
to get married today.
Six-person wedding,
it's pretty easy to reschedule.
Dad, it's not fair
to give me cold feet.
I know it's last-minute,
but, um...
Moon's gonna play Autoharp
for the wedding,
and I'd really love it
if you would sing with her.
Oh, uh...
You have to.
It's my wedding.
What do you want me to sing?
[line ringing]
LUCY: Hey, it's Lucy.
I don't call. Just text me.
- [beep]
- Hey.
Listen, could you call me back?
It's pretty important.
Okay? So, uh...
So call me back.
All right, bye.
Put a little bit of oomph
in your hair.
Hey, blushing bride to be.
Girls, can I have
just minute with Kim?
Sure, Walter.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Okay, I think I figured it out.
You are not in a place
that this can work out.
And you are not in a place
to tell me
what kind of place
that I am in.
You know I'm in position
to tell you.
I am the most qualified guy
in the world
when it comes
to fucking up relationships.
That I'd say is true.
You need to tell her the truth,
and you need to tell her now.
Let her choose.
If she chooses
to stay with you, great.
If she doesn't, I'm sorry.
But every minute that goes by
that you don't tell her,
you're hurting her.
I know you don't think
you have the ability
to hurt someone with
something you're not doing,
but believe me,
it's easier than you think.
I can't.
I can't.
It's too late. I...
- Then go.
- Go?
Where am I supposed to go?
Anywhere. Just go.
Please. Leave her.
She deserves to be happy.
Please, Kim, just go.
Hey, we gotta braid the
bride's hair for the wedding,
so you gotta go.
Bye, Walter.
- You nervous?
- Yeah.
Don't be nervous.
You look so pretty.
Okay, so I'm just gonna pull
some of this back into a braid.
[drums beating]
["Canon in D"]
Welcome, friends...
and family.
We are gathered here today
to join these
two beautiful souls
in a union of love.
And now we will take
a moment of silence
to commune with
our friends in nature,
to ask them
for their blessing
on this union.
Nic, Kim,
I understand that you
have each prepared vows.
Please share them now.
I've learned so much from you.
Your honesty and integrity
have taught me to be true
to myself and to others.
I promise to always defend
your right to be uniquely you.
and full of light.
I promise
to carry my dreams,
and to encourage you
to carry yours
as we build new dreams together.
Please accept this ring
as a symbol of our eternal bond.
I accept.
Over the past 18 months,
I have had
my fair share of pain,
and the only constant
has been you.
You are the kindest,
most generous,
most understanding soul
I have ever met.
You taught me that no matter
what has happened in the past,
that love conquers all.
Love is love.
I vow from this day forward
to be yours.
Completely and fully,
your friend,
your partner,
your lover,
your wife.
Please accept this ring
as our eternal bond.
I do.
And now...
the bride's father, Walter,
will perform a song
in honor of this union.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
[clears throat]
My love
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
Particularly can't
with the Autoharp.
But thank you, Moon.
Um, I have something to say.
This is so... beautiful.
It's really beautiful,
and you look amazing, Nic.
And the decor
really makes the teepee.
I didn't know how you guys were
gonna pull off a wedding
in front of a teepee,
but you did it, so way to go.
It's been
an interesting few days,
and you've all been
very accommodating to me.
and what I'm about to say,
I wish someone else
had said for me.
And even more, I wish had
never happened at all,
but it did.
BRIAN: It was an accident.
I didn't mean for it to happen.
I'm sorry.
Brian, that's not
what I'm talking about.
What is she talking about?
We just did a little kissing
last night,
but that wasn't
what I was gonna say.
On the drive up here
to Big Sur--
This is before I knew
that you were--
This was before I knew.
This was before...
you and Kim were dating
or fianced.
KIM: Please don't.
We got drunk and had sex.
I'm so sorry.
Get the fuck out of here.
You get the fuck out of here!
Get the fuck out of here!
Stop it!
Get the fuck out of here!
Fuck you!
Go! Just fucking go!
WALTER: Honey...
Get the fuck out of here!
- Get the fuck out of here!
- I'll go.
I'll go. I'll go.
I'll go.
Stop it!
I just want you to know
the Hawaii offer still stands.
- [all yelling]
- Get the fuck out!
You fucking prick! Out!
[line ringing]
Hey, you've reached Nic.
I'm out of town
until the 28th
with very poor service.
I'll try to get back to you
as soon as I can. Thanks.
- [beep]
- Uh, hey, um...
I, uh, I made a mistake.
I made a really terrible
mistake, and...
you asked me for a simple favor,
and I couldn't even deliver
without ruining your life.
You're all I've got,
and it seems
like I just keep hurting you.
I have this really bad habit
of destroying
all the most meaningful
relationships in my life.
I think that you were doing
better before I came back.
So I promise I won't
bother you anymore.
I love you totally,
and that is exactly why
I'll stay away, okay?
So you take care.
- Please know that I love you--
- The mailbox is full
and cannot accept any messages
at this time.
- Walter!
- Hey, Hank.
Didn't you day play
on Youngblood?
[chuckles] I played
an aggressive black alien.
Oh, that's right.
That was a fun episode.
You know, you're lucky.
How's that?
You had a role that you
could hang your hat on.
You made an impact on people.
You'll be remembered.
I'll be remembered
for playing a space Viking.
It's not about the role.
It's how you play it.
You did your thing,
and you left it at that.
People responded to it.
Some of us never even
get in the door.
Look around you.
This is all for you.
KIM: I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry.
NIC: What happened?
Your dad got a B and B
with one bed.
We went to the restaurant.
He had a couple drinks.
When we got back,
he just started...
- taking advantage of me.
- What?
He just started taking
his clothes off and kissing me,
and I just didn't--
You seriously aren't gonna
own this? What the fuck!
He didn't know who you were!
You knew exactly who he was!
What the fuck were you thinking?
KIM: I don't know!
Fuck! I don't know who I am
or what I'm fucking doing!
I don't know!
I just don't--
KIM: I can't keep
doing this to you.
I won't.
I started it.
I kissed your dad.
[cheers and applause]
ANNOUNCER: Everybody get excited
for Mr. Youngblood himself,
Mr. Walter Campbell!
[audio fades out]
[woman singing in Hawaiian]
Beautiful flower
On the island of Hawaii
[woman singing in Hawaiian]
Beautiful flowers
From the island of Maui
[woman singing in Hawaiian]
Beautiful flower
From the island of Kauai
[woman singing in Hawaiian]
Beautiful flowers
From the isles of paradise
What you gonna do
When you say to a man
He has lost control
Take a look at him now
He has lost his soul
As brave enough
as I could be
I should tell him so
The weight of the world
is on his shoulders
What you gonna do
With all those lonely nights
Lying by yourself
Won't you put up the fight
Be with someone else
As cruel enough as it sounds
Why do you keep him around
The weight of the world
is on his shoulders
You see, I tried so hard
to sleep at night
Without you being there
I so want you
to hold me tight
Baby, keep me from fear
I should have never,
ever did you wrong
Now I'm feeling so alone
The weight of the world
is on my shoulders
He has lost his soul
As brave enough
as I could be
I should tell him so
The weight of the world
is on his shoulder
What you gonna do