G.B.F. (2013) Movie Script

Gets, gets better, better
Our summer out west,
our summer is sex
Our summer just gets better
Our summer out west,
our summer is sex
Our summer just gets
better, better
I don't need no weekend
telling me when to begin, ah
You stay upstairs until
I call you down for dinner
Single ladies want a ring
on it, I shake a finger
Let it be, I'll call you Paul
Paul, you call me Linda
Single ladies want
a ring on it, ah
I shake a finger,
I shake a finger
All the single
ladies want a ring
I shake a finger
We're just having fun
if you got to order
Our summer out west,
our summer is sex
Our summer just gets better
Our summer out west,
our summer is sex
Our summer just gets,
gets better, better
Ah, ah, ah
Better, better, ah
Ah, ah, better, better
Our summer is sex, we get
so wet about the weather
She tell you no 'cause she
want avoid a commitment
She resists, but you persist,
and I suggest her sister
She's a go-getter,
she say no, never
She's a go-getter,
she never say no
The sign says open,
doesn't ever say closed
I put a twenty on her,
she's good to go
I bet you get her,
she say no, never
Our summer out west,
our summer is sex
Our summer just gets better
Our summer out west,
our summer is sex
Our summer just gets,
gets better, better
Ever notice how in high school
There's just something
about being first,
Like that girl who's always
first to raise her hand
Or that first kid to own every
new cutting-edge ithingy?
There's so much pressure to
be a trend-setter, a pioneer.
Well, not me.
Tanner Daniels was just like any
other average comic-book geek,
More than content to
fly under the radar
And leave the trailblazing
to the others.
After all, of the many firsts
my peers were vying for,
One still remained
conspicuously up for grabs.
Never in the history
of north gateway high
Had any student admitted out loud
To being an honest-to-goodness,
card-carrying, proud...
Or even slightly modest...
Including me and my
best friend, Brent.
Explain this to me again.
How will being the first out kid
In school make you
instantly popular?
It's simple. All the teen
and tween rags agree...
The hottest new trend
sweeping schools worldwide
Is the G.B.F.
Gay best friend.
Every celeb has one, so
every teen girl needs one.
And pretty soon, all three
prom-queen front-runners
Will be battling it
out for my attention.
Three powerful cliques
controlled north gateway high,
And the queen bitch from each
Ruled our school from
nearly every direction.
Caprice winters dominated
As queen of drama,
all three kinds of choir,
And our school's loose network
of minority students.
Then there was 'Shley Osgoode,
short for "Ashley,"
Which was about as edgy as she got.
With her perpetually sunny
Mormon disposition,
'Shley ruled all wearers
of shiny gold crosses
And goody-two-shoes.
But neither could hold a
candle to Fawcett Brooks.
By far the hottest girl in school
And empress of the rich and popular,
Fawcett loved fads
and hated fatties.
Her trademark golden tresses
Had won her "best hair"
three years in a row,
an unprecedented achievement
because you're supposed
to be a senior to win.
Like neighboring warlords
in a third-world country,
They maintained an
uneasy balance of power,
Friendly but always vigilant
Of anything that could
upset the truce
And create all-out social warfare.
So, I'm thinking prom,
for maximum effect.
That way, no matter who
wins king or queen,
All anyone will remember is me.
Why not send out a mass
text and be done with it?
"F.Y.I., I like guys.
Now let's never speak
of this again."
Tanner, you cannot come out
via text. That is so gay.
Well, you can count me out...
Er, in, I guess.
Oh, how very early 2000s of you.
I'm so not surprised.
Yeah, Glenn here is more likely
to come out than Tanner,
And he is our token
vagina enthusiast.
Damn straight.
Look, it's not a matter of if
I'm coming out. Of course I am.
It's the "when"
I'm still working on.
I just can't believe
that you'd be happy
Being some vapid whore's
sexless accessory.
And what makes you think
this plan will even work?
Oh, you know I've been
doing my reconnaissance.
Ready? Okay!
Fawcett's the obvious
prom-queen front-runner,
But since mega-hottie Hamilton
smith dumped her last week,
She's vulnerable, and she'll
be looking for an edge...
...any edge.
What the hell was that? You guys
were totally out of sync.
It's that time of
the month, ladies.
Please. Their "must-have"
list is so five minutes ago.
Let's hear it.
This month's are...
totally bedazzled vintage totes,
Chunky cashmere ironic shrugs...
been there, worn that.
Distressed jeggings...
I practically invented them.
Cold Langu.
And a G.B.F.
It... It stands for...
I know what it stands for.
Well, I can't help it that the
school is devoid of the gay.
I mean, if there were some,
they'd obvi worship me.
I mean, look at this.
No, no, totally.
They'd worship you.
Like, look at you.
You're, like, beautiful, like...
Okay, so, Fawcett
might fall for it,
But what makes you think a
super-Chris like 'Shley Osgood
Would ever want a G.B.F.?
'Shley is Mormon.
Hey, Glenn.
Their whole shtick is just
being relentlessly nice to you
Until you give up and throw on a
pair of their magic underwear.
Yeah, they smile to your face
and prop-8 you in the back.
I can't believe our godless
peers read this blasphemy.
They're trying to
make sin seem "in."
I don't know.
Don't you ever think it would
be kind of neat to meet one?
Like a real, live gay?
You know, we could
bring him youth group
Or take him out for
milkshakes or something.
And then if we're all
super-duper nice to him,
Maybe he'd realize
that the only person
He should be gay for is Jesus.
'Shley, you can't just
befriend these people.
They're out to steal
Our brothers, boyfriends,
our gerbils,
All as part of a secret agenda
To spread their gaybies
all over America.
Gay babies?
Like... like gay rabies.
'Shley will try to befriend
me and convert me,
And that'll make Fawcett
want me even more.
So, what about Caprice?
Miss Caprice cannot stand not
being the center of attention.
You all saw her mostly
plagiarized musical mash-up
Of "mean girls" last spring.
Mean girls
Mean plastic girls
I'm coming to get you
wherever you turn
I'm writing your name
in the book of burn
That actually could have
been kind of brilliant.
But it wasn't.
Caprice needs a gay visionary
To shepherd her career
towards iconic Diva-Dom.
I just hope everything
goes according to plan.
You won't forget us
when you're in a new
Social stratosphere, will you?
No promises.
Oh, my god!
Is that the new one?!
Oh, sweet, dude!
And I still carry the last
flip phone on the planet.
We are so downloading guydar.
What the hell is guydar?
Where have you been?
It's the new app that lets
gay guys find other gay guys
Through state-of-the-art,
globally positioned technology.
She knows.
I only know about it
Because Brent here tried to
download it onto my phone.
Yeah, and hetero buzzkill
here totally cock-blocked me.
I'm not soiling my pristine phone
With some slutty gay hookup app.
Tanner, we're not
gonna do anything.
We're just gonna see if there are
any other gay guys in this town
and find out how many cubic
feet away they are from us.
It's science.
And it's about to change our lives.
Which was actually true,
but not in the way we imagined.
But it isn't fair, Ms. Hoegel.
I'm sorry, Soledad, but the
school board was clear.
Now, we can't have a
gay/straight alliance
Without an actual gay member.
Just because we're all straight
Doesn't mean that there aren't
gay kids at this school.
My future G.B.F. is just waiting
to come out of the closet
And tell me how fierce I am.
Please, Ms. "H,"
this club is all I have.
Is this about helping queer and
questioning kids or yourself?
It's all for the gays!
They need to at least
know this group exists.
What if Viola here
came out as a lesbian?
I'm strictly dickly, yo.
Just take one for the team.
Now, Soledad!
Or the fact that Braxton has two mommies...
That has got to count
for something.
And both Mrs. Cooper-Cullins
were so helpful
In organizing last
month's Vegan bake sale.
Moms say hi, by the way.
Hi, moms.
But it's simply not
enough, I'm afraid.
Please, Ms. Hoegel, just
buy me a few more weeks.
Like, I will find a real-life gay,
Even if I have to drag
the little teen queen
Out of the closet myself.
Soledad, I don't
want you conducting
Some sort of a gay witch-hunt.
No, of course not, Ms. Hoegel.
Give it time.
One day you will meet
the gay of your dreams,
And it will be the happiest,
Most fulfilling day of your life.
Then it's all downhill from there.
Hi, there, Soledad.
Or whatever.
You're prez of the school's
currently gay-less
G.S.A., Right?
Yeah, something like that.
Couldn't help but
overhear your dilem.
I might have an idea
that could help you out.
Keep up.
The Wi-Fi password is "Lilo."
Oh, hey, guys. Where's the fire?
Oh! Hi, mom.
Um, we just got this really
tough math assignment, so...
Oh. Math.
It's gonna be, like, a
really tough nut to bust.
Later, Mrs. Van Camp.
Be safe!
W-with your math.
Your mom totally knows and
also thinks we're doing it.
Why don't you just tell her?
Oh, she's so smug,
dropping her little hints.
I'm not gonna give her
the satisfaction.
Maybe when she gets
the balls to ask me.
Maybe she's just
respecting your privacy.
She wants to milk this for
all the drama it's worth.
I am her son, after all.
Do we have to listen to this
heinous pop dance crap?
Shut up.
You know you love it.
Why should I be a
victim of this love?
Why should I feel so ashamed?
Knock, knock!
What do you want?!
Everybody decent?
Yeah, mom.
No, I'm serious.
Yes, we're decent!
Oh, god. Okay, good.
Whew! Just checking.
Oh, O-M-G!
This be my jam. Whoo!
Hey, you boys have any poppers?
A popper would really hit
the spot right about now.
Mom, um, yeah, this, um, dance
party is invitation-only, so...
I simply came up to tell you boys
That I won't be back up here
for at least one hour or so.
Relax. Do your thing.
Get crazy.
I'm good with it.
Thank you. All right. Bye!
Yeah. Great. All right.
Now that we've banished the beast,
Let's download that app
and find us some mens.
What if we see someone
we know on there
Or someone finds my phone?
It's my ass on the line.
Tan, please,
If I don't at least get my
makeout on before college,
I'll be playing sexual
catch-up for years.
I just want to find
out if there are
Any other gay guys there
that, you know, aren't you.
You know, no offense.
Okay, fine.
But we're gonna need
a profile picture first.
Say "cheese."
Let me see.
Th... Hey!
Relax. You'll just be
another headless torso
In a sea of low self-esteem.
P.S... Your abs ain't
too bad, Mr. Four-pack.
Now let's see what the filthy gays
of north gateway think of them.
You sure this is a good idea?
Was Drake on "Degrassi"?
The answer is yes.
Bad-ass rapper Drake
Was on a wholesome Canadian
after-school soap opera.
Never forget.
We had little luck
Chatting up dudes on
Guydar that night,
But the next day,
Soledad and her swarm
Of blossoming fruit
flies were preparing
To put the app to much better use.
Okay, ladies, somewhere
in this school,
There's a sexually confused boy
With no one to turn
to and nowhere to go.
So we must hunt him down...
To help him, of course.
According to a very
knowledgeable source
On what's in style,
this guydar thing
Is all the rage with the gays,
especially the closet cases.
So, we all got our Faux-Mo
avatars ready, right?
Yep. Mine's of Robert
Pattinson's air-brushed torso.
That's what they like, right?
And you've got Zac Efron.
And Persephone's
rocking Adam Lambert.
Oh, great. I think we got
all our bases covered.
Let the manhunt begin!
Oh, shit!
What was that?
Oh, um, nothing.
Just stating the obvious in here.
Ew. Let's go.
Shit, shit, shit.
Tanner! Hand it over.
You'll get it back
at the end of the day.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Shit!
What's up, bitch?
Herr Brent.
Ein moment, Frau Burkhardt.
Oh, Scheisse.
Ooh, I got one!
He's 400 feet away.
I got him, too!
This way!
Give me your phone now!
Oh, my god, Brent!
You're obsessed
with that stupid app.
You don't understand. Soledad
and her gaggle of junior hacks
Are using guydar
to track gays at the school.
Oh, my god. Slatsky took
my phone in third period.
It's still signed on.
I am not taking the fall for this!
Time for the big, dramatic
coming-out you've always wanted.
Wait. No, no, no, no!
This is not how I planned it.
P-P-Prom is months away!
It's coming from in here.
We are here to help.
Come on, guys.
What do you think you're doing?
Who do these hairless
abs belong to?
The signal's coming from
the front of the classroom...
you have two seconds to...
from right around...
Mr. Slatsky's desk?!
Mr. Slatsky?
Mr. Slatsky?
You're married to a lady,
And these are clearly not your abs.
This is false advertising.
What are you talking about?
It's not Mr. Slatsky's.
Tanner, I don't think you should.
This is your cellphone, correct?
I-I guess it is.
You're the secret gay.
But you're not even that fabulous.
guess I am...
n-not fabulous, but gay.
I'm gay, I guess.
Oh, we've got one,
our very own homosexual!
Tweet this right now.
We did it!
I'm so excited!
What are you looking at, fag-off?
What, are you...
What, are you checking out
my... balls?
You trying to check out my balls?
Tanner! Wait! Wait!
I'm your friend!
Leave him alone, you
desperate psycho-bitch.
That was really mean.
Oh, really?
Are you a psycho,
and are you a bitch?
- I am his best friend.
- I couldn't believe it.
I'd been so careful for 17 years.
I mean, I learned how to clear
The internet history when I was 11.
One stupid slip-up
had cost me everything,
And I had one person to blame.
Hey, girl, hey.
That's all you have to say?
I'm sorry. I-I freaked.
It happened so fast. I...
You were the one
who wanted to come out!
I can't believe
you let me take the fall!
Shh. Please. Okay, look.
Maybe you can turn this around,
You know, like pretend
it was a joke.
You can't "no homo" this, Brent.
I'm basically a dead man,
And what kills me
is you're the Queeny one.
The least you can do is come out
And take your share
of the daily beatings.
I can't. I mean,
it would be, you know, pathetic,
Like I'm copying you or something.
You know what?
I blame myself.
All I ever do is go
with the flow, your flow
99% of the time.
Oh, please, Tanner. We both know
you love being the sidekick.
Oh. So, I'm the sidekick?
Well, at least now I realize
all you care about is yourself,
You self-absorbed,
gutless little faggot!
Tanner Daniels.
Christ, Tanner.
I said I'm sorry.
Sorry, Mrs. Van Camp,
But I'm allowed to use that word,
Seeing as how I am one...
just like your son.
Tanner, you had no right.
Well, what do you care?
You know she knows.
It was a total dick move,
And I immediately regretted it,
but it was too late.
Like Lex Luthor and Clark Kent
or professor X and Magneto,
Brent and I went from
best friends to archenemies
In a matter of seconds.
Hey, Tanner.
How was school, honey?
Uh, hey, Shannon, dad.
It was uneventful, lacking events.
Why? You didn't hear anything,
did you?
No. What would we
have heard about, Tanner?
Nothing, of course, because
of the whole nothing thing.
Well, honey, that's great.
Are you hungry?
'Cause I made my world-famous,
homemade, gluten-free popsicles.
They are delicious.
Oh, I hope you made them
extra thick and fruity,
Just the way Tanner likes them.
Uh, I mean, right.
Uh, thanks for freezing juice
on a stick for me, Shannon,
But I'm good.
Maybe you'll have one later.
Maybe I'll have one right now.
What flavor did you make?
The next day, I tried to keep
an even lower profile that usual,
But my power to go unnoticed
had been completely neutralized.
Hey. Remember me?
Hey, Sophe. Sorry I haven't
texted/called you back.
I'm just really overwhelmed
right now.
Look, I know
you're pissed at Brent,
And, honestly, I would be, too.
But what he did was an accident.
What you did with his mom was...
Really? Wow.
Of all people, I never expected
you to take his side.
He outed me to the entire school.
And plus, his mom already knew.
But it wasn't your job to
tell her, and you know that.
You know what, Sophe?
I have bigger things
To worry about than
Brent's psycho mama drama.
Well, hey, there, tan tan.
You know, I used to think
you were a little fag.
I didn't realize you were
actually a full-fledged homo!
That doesn't even make sense.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
You calling me stupid?
You calling me stupid and gay?
Hamilton, take your hands off him.
Back off, babe.
We're history,
Which means you don't tell
me what to do anymore.
History... now,
that's an appropriate word
Because that's what
your sex life is gonna be
If you don't leave him alone.
After all, I know things...
Tiny, little, pinky-sized details.
Touch him again,
and you won't be able
To get as much
as a half-ass handjob
From some flag-twirling
color guard skank.
Bitch, you wouldn't dare.
Try me.
You okay, babes?
I'm... fine.
I'm Fawcett.
Yeah, I know.
You doing anything after school?
Want to go sip extra-large
low-fat iced coffees
And talk shit about people?
Hey, there, you.
I like coffee, too.
I'll come with.
I like decaf.
How nice for you both.
Well, uh, we could all go together?
Fine. Whatevs.
so, you're a gay now.
Uh, not now.
I mean, I've always been.
Just now everybody knows.
Are you gonna audition
for the spring musical?
'Cause we're doing "The Wiz,"
and we're gonna need,
Like, as many minorities
as we can get.
I'm not much for
the whole singing or dancing
Or being onstage thing.
You sure you're a 'mo?
What gay stuff do you, like, like?
Um, I'm into comics.
Like Kathy griffin?
She's Hilar.
Uh, no, like comic books.
That's not gay.
That's just lame.
You don't even sound
like the ones on bravo.
Say the word "fierce."
Yeah, I don't really say that word.
Oh, well, maybe it's like Caprice.
I mean, she's black, but
she doesn't talk like them.
Excuse me?
Well, not all the time.
Yeah, Ashley, it's like
when we call you a "Mormon"
But forget the second "M."
Anyway, what about those other
losers you eat lunch with?
They seem way gayer than you.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I heard
Brent is like super hetero.
That's why they're all fighting.
That Glenn, though... Oh, he
is way too cute to be straight.
Uh, Glenn is so not gay.
Trust me.
I would know 'cause I've got
that gaydar thing, right?
But even that Sophie girl...
She's always seemed like
A mucho muncher supreme to me.
I don't think so.
I mean, she hates all the guys
At this school, but
she hates all the girls, too.
Well, Tanner,
I just want you to know
That I'm totally fine
with your homosexiness.
I mean, it is a sin and all,
But we Mormons pretty much think
everything's a sin,
Including those caffeinated beverages
you guys are sucking down right now.
So, if you're all gonna
burn in hell for an eternity,
You may as well have a nice time
Being all queer and stuff
while you're here.
Well, that's at least consistent
of you, 'Shley.
I have an amazeballs idea.
This Saturday, why don't you
and me come back here,
And we can totally gay you over?
Oh, and I know all the stylists
at heroine salon.
I'm sure they can give you
something butchy
And Rihanna-esque.
I think he just needs
a trim, sweetie,
Not a full-blown weave.
These are clips, boo.
Um, I-I have a gift card
To banana republic
that's half full.
Well, perf. I guess
we'll see you both there.
None of them wanted to share
The school's newest
limited-edition status symbol,
And if that meant pretending
to play nice with each other,
Game on.
That weekend, I quickly
discovered that if I was
Going to accept the
protection of the "in" crowd,
I had some Major catching-up to do.
Where have you been?
I thought we were meeting
at the food court.
That was like four texts ago.
Come on!
My texts-per-minute
average was extremely subpar.
I had about 200 completely
unacceptable photos of myself
Tagged on Facebook.
Ooh. Fat face.
De-Tag. De-Tag.
Oh, my god. De-friend
whoever put that one up!
And I was about three months behind
On all of the latest abbreves.
Ugh, fug, in the good way.
Ohh! This one is tally
That's what we're calling it.
Here, sweetie.
Since we found out
One, two, three.
Anything can happen
Oh, my god.
Praising the leather god.
Anything can happen
Anything can
How do we look together?
I love it!
It was a straight-up
makeover-Montage situation,
And all I could think of
was how much Brent
Would have lived
for every second of it.
I guess we thought
that's just what humans do
With Brent, Sophie, and Glenn,
it was always so easy.
I never worked so hard
just to have friends.
But without Fawcett
and the other clique queens
Watching my back,
I was a sitting duck.
But now I've seen it through
Good morning, ladies.
So, you speak to traitor...
Excuse me, I mean Tanner...
This weekend?
Well, no, actually.
I called him like 50 times,
and no responses.
You two really need to work it
out. I mean, it's like...
Uh, ladies...
I know it's gonna be
Oh, yeah
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
But I don't think I need you
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
He united them.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe
how tight his pants are.
And is he wearing bronzer?
He's spray-Tanner now.
I could move through this school
Unnoticed, invisible.
But as the G.B.F., Well,
I was kind of indestructible.
The up-close view of 'topher,
'Shley's hot Mormon boyfriend,
Wasn't bad, either.
For once, I was actually
kind of enjoying the spotlight.
What do you think
you're doing with that...
That ho... Ho... Ho...
This is a Twinkie.
I'm talking
about that other Twinkie,
Your new apparent B.F.F.
He's super nice, actually.
Like not pure evil at all, really.
I mean, maybe we're wrong.
'Shley, this is not god's plan.
I think that means "time-out."
This is part of the polygamists'
plot, isn't it?
The pastor always said
it's a slippery slope.
First come the gays.
Then next thing we know,
You people will want multiple
sister-wife prom dates.
Well, I'm taking a stand.
Consider this my resignation
from the O-M-G club.
I can't be a part of a group
Whose leader is in league
with sodomites.
What's a sodomite?
I think it's like dust mite,
but with sod.
In times of crisis, I turn to Lilo.
I mean, I know he's angry at me,
but, like...
how could he do this?
Tanner's just doing his best
Trying not to get his ass kicked.
I mean, aren't we all?
I'm not letting him off that easy.
This literally could
not get any worse.
Actually, it can.
You know how the paper
Has its prom-court
preview issue coming up?
I got a proof.
Tanner is the undisputed
For prom king this year.
And it's...
It's not even close, really.
What offends me more than anything
Is the hypocrisy
and sexism of it all.
If I were to come out as a lesbian,
Would I all of a sudden be
a top candidate for prom queen?
I think not.
Congratulations, your Majesty.
This has got to be a joke.
Oh, it's no joke.
You're pretty much a lock.
Yeah, you've got all our votes.
And the votes of our various
minions and mini-mes.
As for queen, they've got us
in a three-way.
Tie, that is.
Most kids are undecided.
They're waiting for you
to tell them what to think.
Everyone knows that 'mos
Are always way ahead of
what's hot and what's so not.
Well, on a completely
unrelated topic,
I made you a batch of my famous
Brigham yum-yum double fudge
brownies last night.
'Shley, are you special?
Gays don't do carbs.
Yeah, a carb to a 'mo is
like sunlight to a vampire.
Carbs make gay people sparkle?
So, I'm thinking maybe
we should hang out
Just the two of us tonight,
sans "C" and 'Shley.
Will they be cool with that?
Those bitches can suck it.
I'm so over sharing you.
Psst. Um, psst. Hey.
Remember me?
How could I forget?
This is an "a" and gay
So kindly see your next
Tuesday out of it.
Um, well, Tanner,
I just wanted to let you know
That there's a G.S.A. Meeting
after school, so I thought...
He doesn't want to join your
little fag-hag training club.
That is a highly inflammatory term.
I mean, Soledad, you did out
me to the entire school.
Think of all the other
gay kids at this school
That are still languishing
in the closet.
You could be a real
role model for them.
That's not my problem.
Hey, so, we heard a vicious rumor
That Fawcett's snagged you
all to herself after school?
Word travels fast.
Well, if that's how
we're gonna play it,
I'm calling you after school Friday
For one-on-one audition prep.
We're gonna turn the shiz
out of "The Wiz."
And Thursday you're all mine.
'Topher and I are
gonna cook you din-din.
Fawcett had made her move,
but it looked like
The other queens weren't
going down without a fight.
And then Friday night
is Cameron woods' party.
We'll all be there, including
'Shley for some reason.
I'm bringing enough diet,
caffeine-free ginger ale for everybody.
Wow. Well, I guess my week's
planned out, then.
Mm-hmm. We've so got you
booked, bitch. Boom.
This really works.
Or did you prefer the other one?
I'm really not very good at this.
Tanner, I don't actually think
That gays have a heightened
sense of fashion.
I'm just asking you
to look at two options
And choose the one you prefer.
I like the one from before.
Those kind of give you
'90s mom ass.
Ah, thank you!
That is just the kind
Of bitchy gay insight
I'm looking for.
So, the bitchier I am,
the more you'll like me?
But don't push it.
You sure have a lot of stuff.
I know.
Don't you love?
I kind of have a thing
for labels...
Chanel, Versace,
Gay, fiercely fabulous.
That's kind of like
your new comic strips.
I'd much rather say hello
to a new handbag
Than a friend or boyfriend.
And they're much easier to return.
Is that why you and Hamilton
broke up?
Now, he is someone
Who doesn't understand
the value of a label.
Somehow me being
his "girlfriend" meant
The whole cheerleading squad
suddenly became
His own personal hookup harem.
But now I've got you, bitch.
Seriously, though.
I feel like I can be myself
around you, you know?
You're not trying to
screw me like a guy
Or threatened by me like
every other girl in school.
I guess that's the appeal
of this whole G.B.F. Thing.
Not sure what I get out of it.
Duh... you get to hang out with me.
Okay, um...
I could help you with
your chemistry homework.
You're getting a "C," right?
I'm actually kind of brills when
it comes to science-y stuff.
Can you keep a secret?
Okay, my hair
is only 99.9% flawless.
I mix all of my own hair serums
and conditioners in here.
I'll have my own hair-care
line one day
On, like, QVC or something,
finally make it big.
That's when I realized
Fawcett was more than just popular.
She was actually kind of cool.
This is easy.
I know you and Tanner
had a falling out,
But you're taking it
kind of literally.
Yeah, well, my life is over.
So, thanks.
Oh, come on, man. I mean,
you still got the two of us.
For about 10 minutes. I never
RSVP to a nonstop pity party.
So, I'm bound to eternity in
Loserland with you two. Great.
That's a little harsh.
And here I thought we were
all doing pretty okay,
But I guess
we aren't sparkly enough
Or have enough synthetic
hair extensions for you.
Oh, my god, Sophie.
You know what I meant.
No. You know what?
Why don't we take a few days apart,
Maybe without a couple losers
like us hanging around?
You'll ascend to your
proper social station.
Just be careful, though,
because we might not be here
To bandage you up
next time you fall.
Come on, Glenn.
Um, yeah.
Take it easy, bro.
Glenn. Come on.
We were gonna watch "the voice."
As the wheels
seemed to be coming off
My old friend group, the next day,
I was third-wheeling it,
Wow. This is a whole lot
of meat, 'Shley.
Well, that's what you like,
isn't it? Meat.
No carbs.
I remembered.
Oh, right.
Uh, mmm, meats with...
sides of meats.
Um, may I use the restroom?
What are you doing?!
Girl-talk time.
So, what do you think?
Think about what?
Do you think he's bored
with our relationship?
I feel like he's bored.
Um, I don't know.
I'm worried because
we don't, you know...
so I need some tips.
You gays are supposed to be experts
in man pleasing. So, spill.
do you think I should give him a B.J.?
A what?!
Or an H.J.?
Or how about an R.J.?
Uh... I don't even know
What an R.J. Could possibly be.
Ugh. Me neither.
I was hoping you would.
Are Mormons even allowed to...
What about backdoor?
Oh, my god!
Tanner, honey.
Please do not take the lord's
name in vain in my house.
I'm sorry.
I actually did have to pee.
Could we, uh, talk later?
Fine, but you owe me girl-talk
time, mister, okay?
Oh, Tanner, I am so, so sorry.
'Topher just reminded me I have
A junior republicans meeting
in like 20 minutes.
Do you mind if 'tophie
takes you home?
Um, s-sure, I guess.
'Topher, this isn't my house.
I know.
I just wanted to talk. Okay.
You know, I've caught
you checking me out.
Please don't beat me up! I'm so
sorry! It won't happen again!
Whoa, dude.
Whew! Relax.
I find it kind of flattering.
So, what do you like
most about me, huh?
What's my sexiest quality?
Oh, I get it. You're one
of those straight guys
Who likes to flirt with gay
guys for your own amusement.
No, Tanner, that's actually not...
You know what?
Contrary to what you might believe,
We homos don't all sit around
pining for straight boys, okay?
Some of us like the idea of a guy
Actually being turned on by us.
Does this feel straight to you?
Um, it does, actually.
You Mormons are a horny,
repressed people!
You have no idea.
Mnh! Wait! This is wrong.
You're with 'Shley.
Dude, in two years,
I'm gonna go on my mission.
In four years,
I'll probably be married
With a bunch of redheaded
Rugrats running around.
So, why don't you just sit back...
and let me get this
out of my system?
You okay?
Uh, t-thanks.
I'll walk.
So, I have some news for you.
It's pretty Maj.
I may have snatched you
a prom date.
His name is Christian.
He went to theater camp
with me last summer.
He's a tenor, a college boy,
and he's British.
Love it?
He sounds great.
I'm just not sure if this
whole prom thing is for me.
Okay. You're losing yourself.
Come with mama.
Take a look, Tanner.
This is every prom king
and queen since 1983.
You notice anything?
Not the most diverse selection.
All white, all straight,
All jocks and pom-pom wranglers.
Tanner, we could be the
ones to change all that.
You could be the first
openly gay prom king
And enjoy a hot date to boot,
And I can be the first queen
Who's actually deserving
of any notoriety.
So, what do you say?
I get you laid.
You get me crowned.
You can lose that virginity
Before you snatch up that diploma.
Caprice, just because you
know another gay guy
Doesn't mean I...
Whoa! He's...
very attractive.
Those lips.
Mm-hmm. That's what we call
some high-speed DSLs.
I'll... think about it.
I'm gonna invite him
to Cameron's tonight
So you two can get
to know each other.
Crap. I forgot that was tonight.
Oh, relax.
It's gonna be "V" low-key.
Everyone can relax.
The people who matter have arrived.
I'm gonna go see
if Christian's here.
There are Christians here?
Get your gay game face on.
After tonight, you'll have
the prom date of your dreams.
So, Caprice reeled you
in some Mangina, huh?
Well played.
I guess.
I mean, I don't even know
if he'll like me.
Sounds like you need
some liquid courage.
Follow me.
Oh. Come on.
You call this an ensemble?
Get it together, girl.
Do not call me that.
Wh-why? I meant, like,
"gurl" with a "u."
Not like you're a...
Oh, okay.
Um, so, hey,
why don't we dust this off
And you take me to the mall
and pick me out some eye shadow,
Just like the old days, huh?
You're so good with color.
Yeah, I don't think
I'm leaving the house
Till college, but, thanks.
Oh, "b" boo.
Listen. I get it.
I really do.
With what happened with Tanner,
I know that you didn't
Get to come out to me in the
way that you wanted to.
We didn't get to have
our extra-special
Mother/son lifetime movie moment.
I know that.
You don't want to go out
tonight, right?
I got a plan "b"!
Did you know that WebFlix
Has an entire
gay and lesbian section?
Blew my mind.
Okay, "milk." I got "milk."
It's about a gay mayor.
"Boys don't cry"...Now, this is
girl that wants to be a boy.
That's a tricky one.
"Brokeback Mountain"...
That's the cowboys.
And something called "shortballs"...
Oh, "shortbus."
So, which one do you want
to pop in first, huh?
Probably the cowboys, right?
That one's safe.
Someone drank all my ginger ales.
Hey, do you know
if there's caffeine/alcohol
In a chica loca?
No, 'Shley, of course not.
Chug away.
This was a bad idea.
There is no getting cold feet now.
We have got to rescue Tanner
From those gay-snatching
fashion Nazis.
Divide and conquer.
Hey, sexy.
Don't think me presumptuous
when I say "bottoms up."
This tastes like ass.
Perfect for you.
Loosen up.
I hear that's helpful.
There you go.
Look, don't let Caprice
pressure you.
If you're really that nervous,
then just blow off
Blowing what's his name and
come to prom as my arm candy.
It might be kind of cool to, like,
Actually go on a date or something.
P.S... This one can
has over 600 calories.
I thought carbs were like
gay kryptonite or something.
Alcohol is the one exception. Duh.
Now down it, bitch.
Well, it's just
freezing cold out there.
Don't stand on your pride.
Get in the tent with Jake!
For crying out loud.
Good. Get in there.
Snuggle up.
Snuggle up for warmth.
There you go.
Oh. Looks like
they're waking back up.
Here we go. Game on.
You know, I do sense
an affection there.
I mean, you really do feel
they care about one another.
Oh, my. Well, yeah.
I guess necessity
is the mother of invention.
I mean...
you know, it's funny.
I guess back then
They didn't even need to use
protection, really, right?
You know, I'm gonna get a drink.
They could have made
something out of like a...
Some kind of lamb skin
or something,
But there probably
wasn't time for that.
A few hours and a lot
of drinks later,
I was getting all the
frequently asked questions.
So, with straight guys,
there's ass men and tit men,
But what's the gay equivalent?
Like, ball men?
When you're getting gay with a guy,
How do you decide who's the girl
and who's the boy?
Not an expert, but I think
you're both the boy.
That's kind of the point.
Just Wiki that shit, freak.
Leave him alone.
Come on, slut.
You owe me a dance.
You do your body work
I feel my pulse
working overtime
Oh, my god!
You do your body work
Oh. Sorry.
Oh, you guys, I found you!
Hi and bye.
Is it just me, or is she,
like, the worst Mormon ever?
It's so not just you.
She's cray-cray.
Hey! You!
Gaysian boy, come here.
Ew. Get out.
We're having
gay-guy/girl gab time.
Oh, my god.
There's a bean bag
in the other... Let's go.
Sorry about this.
I can't wait.
Really sorry.
God. Bitch.
So, your friend Tanner won't
tell me anything about the J's.
The... The who?
The... The H.J.s
and the B.J.s,
Pretty much any of the J's.
But I've got an idea.
You are gonna show me how.
And it's not gonna count because
you're like supes gay-mosexual.
Uh, yeah, right.
Just pretend I'm, like,
some super-hot guy,
Like David Archuleta.
Oh, David Archuleta?
David, don't you worry.
I'm gonna teach you all about
the H.J.s and the B.J.s
And the Jay-Zs and the J.J. Abrams.
No, wait. Hold on.
You're drunk, plus, you're Mormon,
Which, like, totally exacerbates
the whole being drunk thing.
That's a funny word.
Yeah, anyway,
I'm... I'm not even...
Prove it, Gaysian.
Look who I found!
Sorry. Oh, hi.
You must be...
Christian. Hello, Tanner.
Even better in real life, right?
Even better with beer goggles,
she means.
Don't touch me.
Damn, you are pretty.
I mean handsome.
I mean pretty handsome.
'Sup, bro?
He's usually less special.
Do you maybe want a glass
of water or something, mate?
Oh, hi, there. I hate
to break up this little...
whatever this is,
but I need to talk to Tanner.
Tanner can't talk right now,
and he and Christian
Were about to have
a private moment alone.
Caprice, I really think
we got off on the wrong foot.
Yo, 'topher, welcome to the casa.
Thank you. Hey, is Tanner here?
I mean 'Shley.
Is 'Shley here?
She's my girlfriend. Love her.
She's in the back.
Okay. Thank you.
All right.
Hey, Glenn.
Oh, my god.
Ew, 'Shley.
Glenn, you really are straight?
No, no, he's totes not.
So it doesn't count. Right?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Caprice, watch your mouth, please.
I could say the same for you,
I think I have to barf.
I'll hold your hair.
Hey, "T." Remember me?
I just ripped it off.
I just had to because...
Tan-pon, I heard you bulimed
cuisine all over a Mormon.
I thought I told you
To always drink
on an empty stomach.
I'm gonna go.
I'm kind of over
being the party's gay mascot
And of publicly humiliating myself
In front of potential dates.
You want Mindie to drive you?
Don't worry.
I'm totally sober.
No, thanks.
I'll walk.
Okay. Call me tomorrow.
Kisses. Mwah!
Oh, my god, you totally made out
with your gay Bestie.
Oh, um...
I... am... drunk.
Me too.
What are you doing
in front of my house?
I have no clue.
Since I basically
have no friends left,
My mom decided to have
a queer-movie marathon.
But when we got to heath
and Jake grunting in a tent,
I started drinking heavily.
You walked all the way over here?
I had this idea that I'd make
this grand entrance at the party
And make a huge scene,
but this is as far as I got.
Oops. Yeah.
I see.
It's not fair!
You get to be belle of the ball,
And I'm stuck home
with mommy dearest.
I'd trade places with you
in a second.
Just do me a favor.
When you win prom king,
you'll make a big speech
About, you know,
everything that you've learned,
You know, very Lohan.
Not really my style,
but... we'll see.
Still picturing you
Watching "brokeback" with your mom.
It's not funny!
I'm gonna have to emancipate
or something.
She's driving me crazy.
She's just being supportive.
Maybe everyone secretly wants
a G.B.F.,
Even moms.
Right now I would just
settle for, like, a B.F.
You mean like a best friend
or, like, boyfriend?
or both.
Wait. What?
Oh, my god, no, no.
Did we...?
We didn't, right?
You don't know?
Do you?
No, no, no, no,
we... We... We came in,
And we... We just...
We were drunk.
We passed out, I think.
Right. That sounds right.
Closet! Now!
Seriously? Oh!
Honey, what was that?
I'm just cleaning up in here.
Yeah, it does smell
kind of musky in here.
So, I've got bubbling cinnabons
in the microwave
And some chocolate milk for you.
I'll be right there.
Come on.
Thanks for that.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not ready.
I don't even know what
I'm doing here. Ugh, god.
Could you, uh, just go that way?
So, first you want
to put me back in the closet,
And now you want me
to jump out your window?
Real nice, Tanner.
I'll make it up to you.
I swear.
Yeah, whatever.
It's fine. I get it.
I don't wanna be all right
I don't wanna feel just okay
I wanna see everything
I wanna go everywhere
I wanna settle down
Hey, lover
The next Monday, I still
couldn't shake my hangover
Or what happened
between Brent and me.
I mean, what was I thinking?
I don't wanna simplify it
Hey, "T."
Amazing news.
Christian's willing to forget
about your projectile vomit
And general Schwastedness
this weekend.
He's still willing to go
to the prom with you.
Really? Still?
Believe it, bitch.
Apparently, you being
the only decent-looking,
Age-appropriate gay guy
in a 20-mile radius
Has given him a convenient case
of boner-induced amnesia.
He really thinks
I'm decent-looking?
Just one condition...
Lay off the cosmo-tini-ritas
on prom night, okay?
That definitely won't be a problem.
Yay! This is gonna be
so homo-doralbe!
Come on, Tan-Tut.
Thank you so much.
I'd like to get
two tickets to prom.
Oh, okay, then.
Just write down
the name of your date here
And also her school if she...
Um, excuse me?
He. He.
Something funny?
No, "he,"as in "him,"
Pronouns that describe my date,
who is a dude.
Yikes. Sorry.
To get the couple's special,
You need to be a traditional
boy/girl pairing.
You want me to fight
this bitch, Tanner?
Sorry, but that's just the policy.
Tanner, I just want you to know
that I share your outrage.
Now, what are we gonna do about this?
I just thought you could use
the G.S.A.'s help
To right this
blatant discrimination.
That's why our group exists.
Please come to our meeting
after school.
Thanks, "sole-hag," but
we can fight out own battles.
This isn't over.
It's just outrageous.
I mean, what is this... 2008?
Okay, that's 20.
Give me 20 more.
You want to stay a four-pack
queer forever? Let's go!
McKenzie has a different take
On the whole
"love thy neighbor" thing.
Yeah, and apparently
you can't get enough
Of that neighbor lovin'.
McKenzie price is deceased,
socially, at this school.
I've already got
the Facebook post composed.
But that defeats the purpose.
I think I'm gonna go
To the G.S.A. Meeting after school.
No. Soledad and her little group...
It'll totally downgrade your rep.
Plus, those busted bitches
were the ones
That dragged you out of the closet.
You want my advices?
Just buy the stag tickets
and get the "F" over it.
Please don't tell me you're
seriously considering this.
What have I got to lose?
I mean, they outed me,
But at least their intentions
were kind of noble, I guess.
And let me just say...
If you guys really claim to be my friends,
You could focus a little less
On how much I match your outfit
on any given day
And show some concern
for my freaking equal rights!
A-amazing, a-a-amazing
P.S... Are my arms looking
Michelle Obama toned
Or Madonna scary?
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Have you heard about Tanner?
What? What did... I didn't...
What did you hear?
Well, apparently
he totally threw down
With McKenzie price over prom.
Yeah, he was all like, "I'm
gonna take a dude as my date,"
And she was all like,
"oh, not on my watch,"
And then he was all like,
"oh, yeah,
We'll see about that,
you c-word-face mofo ho."
Hold that, Wonton. Tanner
wants to ask a guy to prom?
I have no idea who, though.
Hey, maybe he met someone.
No one I can think of.
Me neither.
See ya.
First order of business,
I'd like to introduce
our first actually gay member,
Tanner Daniels!
Welcome, bro dude.
Good to have another member
with a member representin'.
Uh, right. Well, I'm just here
Because I was trying
to buy prom tickets, and...
And he couldn't because
of our school's unjust,
Totally outdated
prom-date policies.
So, what are we
gonna do about this?
I am joining the G.S.A.
To support my G.B.F.
I'm sorry.
Um, Fawcett, thank you,
but, um, we're at capacity.
So we don't really...
Soledad, the G.S.A. Is open
to anyone who wants to join.
But, Ms. Hoegel,
this is my thing, you know?
She has things, lots of things,
And she's trying to take
my... My, uh...
Are you quite done?
So, can we please just...
Just one moment, Fawcett.
I've noticed some disturbing trends
In this school as of late.
It seems that many of you girls
are treating Tanner
As more of a prize to be won
than an actual person.
Ms. Hoegel, that's ridiculous.
Right, "T"?
Listen, girls.
I get the appeal.
Now, I myself had
a gay best friend once and...
Oh, we were roommates
for many fruitful years.
But now he's no longer with us.
Oh, damn.
Where'd he go?
He obvi died of the HIV, dumbass.
Oh, god, no!
He moved to San Diego
with a leather queen.
I meant myself and my cat...
Anderson coo-purr.
Oh, my god.
We're very happy,
Mr. Coo-purr and I.
What are we gonna do
about this prom situation?
If you can't take your boy toy
to prom,
I will lead a school-wide boycott,
And if they don't meet my...
I mean our... Demands
Then I will just host my own
cooler alterna-prom.
Fawcett, you'd do that?
I mean, prom's your night.
You're a shoe-in for prom queen.
Come on. What's the point
of being queen
When I don't have a fabulous
king to share it with?
You know what, Soledad?
You have done such a great job
with this group,
But I think it's time
that some things
Actually changed
around this school.
Who's with me?
Hey, Tanner, looking good.
Hey. Thanks.
W-T-F, "T"?
I secure you a date
with the hottest teen homo
In the Tri-State area,
and that Jizz-bin
Still gets your endorsement?
But I didn't ever... What?
"Tanner Daniels endorsed
Fawcett brooks yesterday
"At the G.S.A. Meeting.
The new power B.F.F.s known as..."
Cute, isn't it?
You really think
another bland blonde like her
Deserves the crown, Tanner?
Well, at least she stands up
for my... My rights or whatever.
What? Please.
This hack-tivist doesn't give
A flying fairy about gay rights.
She just did it to gain
the advantage with you.
Oh, you mean like what you did
with that male-bait, Christian?
Whatever! At least I tried
to bribe him with sex.
I treated him
like an actual human being
And not some asexual,
neutered little purse puppy.
Come on, tan.
I've had enough
Bad-dinner-theater dramatics
for one day.
We've got a revolution to plan.
Do not come for my craft, bitch!
Do not come for my bitch, bitch!
Yeah, it sounds great.
Right. Promise.
No drinks for me.
See you then, dude.
What's up?
Not much.
You're making
quite the stank over prom,
Joining the G.S.A.,
Endorsing your new Bestie.
I didn't endorse anyone.
I just... It's not fair.
We should be treated
like everyone else.
"We"? I mean,
you got to ask me first.
What are you talking about?
You and me. Prom.
Caprice set up this thing
with her friend. I just...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said anything
About us going to prom together?
Just that...
No, no, I was saying,
Like, if you wanted
a friend to go with,
But, like, obviously you got
that, you know, taken care of,
So, you know, I hope
your prince charming
Gives you everything you want...
and also crabs.
I got your Facebook message.
Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Does your vocal coach
know you smoke?
Look, we all know you're gayer
Than a very special episode
of "glee."
I am not!
What's your point?
Well, I need a minion,
and you need a diva to worship.
With Tanner and Fawcett
heading up this fey prom,
That leaves an opportunity
For me to be the queen
of the real one.
So, how would you like to be
my date, maybe even my king?
All right, if you still
need convincing,
Check out a pic
of Tanner's prom date.
He can do better, but I'm in.
Hi, there.
Caprice, you said
You had something
you wanted to talk about?
I do.
Love your cloak.
Support traditional
prom-going values.
Buy tickets to the official,
school-sanctioned prom.
Attend the prom by students,
for all students.
Can I have one, please?
Um, sorry.
You're not on our list
of approved students.
This being an Indie operation,
we've got very limited space,
But I'm sure Caprice's
old-fashioned loser dance
Has plenty of tickets
available. Thank you.
Fawcett, what the hell was that?!
Tan, if we want to pull off this
whole gay-inclusive-prom thing,
We're gonna have to
keep it kind of... exclusive.
Look, I didn't make up these rules,
But a fugly prom is a failed prom.
So wrong.
You smell great.
Thank you.
I told you.
This is crazy.
It's like freaking
high-school "game of thrones"
Out here or something.
Sorry, Ellen Jr.,
But you can't take
Your poor man's Portia
to this dance.
Try the pro-sodomy prom.
You do know that oral
counts as sodomy, right?
So, with the amount of going
down that goes down at prom,
You might want to rethink
the concept. Right, Brent?
By the way, did they change
the official prom song
To "trapped in the closet"
just for you?
Nice try, lies-bian,
but I know for a fact
That my boo Brent
is as straight as they come.
Like Kanye or Diddy or Tyler Perry.
Er. Whatever.
The full word.
I said it all.
'tophie, I want to go to cool prom.
Hey, 'Shley,
you know Caprice calls you
A Ginger-snatch
behind your back, right?
She does?
Well, Fawcett said your religion
Is just scientology without
birth control or famous people.
Well, you know what?
"F" you both.
She'll be fine.
And we'll take two tickets to
the 100% totally un-gay prom.
Thank you.
Mm. Cute shorts.
And you.
I hear you and spigot here
are denying
Certain less-than-favorable
people tickets.
Relax, "so-fat."
You and "memoirs of a gay nerd"
are allowed to come.
I'm giving you a temporary pass
to the cool kids' table.
We wouldn't come
if you paid us, Fawcett.
Or should I say "fascist"?
It's your social funeral, sweetie.
I'll start mourning now.
So-fat! I mean, Sophie...
Damn it... Wait!
You know what?
You both have become so much more
Than these bitches'
sexless accessories.
You've become full-blown tools,
In every sense of the word.
Tanner. Tanner.
Tanner! Tanner!
What is your deal?
I can't do this anymore!
Excuse me?
The last I checked,
this was all for you.
Is it?
You know I actually started to
believe that you were my friend?
But what is this, really?
Am I just some tool to you,
A wrench so that you can screw
over Caprice and 'Shley?
Wrenches don't screw things.
God, you are gay.
But you're right.
Look, at first I just wanted
to keep you to myself.
After Hamilton dumped me...
Yeah, it's true, he dumped me...
I thought I needed you
by my side to win.
But it's different now.
I really like hanging
out with you...
for real.
Then why create a separate prom?
I mean, you're gonna win
queen no matter what.
Don't be so sure.
I took a peek at the polling data.
I rule with the popular kids,
But the other 90%,
the rest of the school,
Just think I'm a soulless bitch.
I mean, they'd rather
vote for 'Shley.
At least she's nice.
She's got talent.
What have I got?
You have me.
You're more than what people
see on the surface, Fawcett,
And you're the only one
who stood up for me
When it really mattered,
so let's make a compromise.
You let everyone come
to the alterna-prom,
And I'll make sure that
you get that crown.
Thanks, all of you, for helping
to keep our prom gayness-free.
So, I'm thinking, activity-wise,
how about a promise-ring booth?
So charming.
Love it.
Promise rings for prom.
I've got a little bit of a
different plan, all right?
Listen up, ladies.
Tanner and Fawcett are poaching
All the cool kids for
their little pansy prom.
If we don't act quick, we
won't have enough people
For a halfway-decent hokey pokey.
What we need to do is
start "Prom-oting" prom.
You feel me?
Whoo! Yeah!
Hmm. Don't you think this might
be a bit over-the-top, Brent?
I'm just fighting
flamers with flame.
A la, a la la,
would you be kind?
Gimme one little more,
and I'll be superfine
A la la, a la la
Oh, my god!
Relax, dude.
I just wanted to tell you how
much I admire your passion.
You're really... organized.
I mean, when I heard about
Tanner going to prom
With that other dude, I was
totally grossed out, too.
Right, bro? I mean, like,
two dudes, like...
Ugh! Ugh. Ick.
Blah. Yeah.
So, um, do you want to
feel how straight I am?
Come again.
Whoa. Is this actually
happening, or is this a dream?
Because I just changed
my sheets yesterday.
No, it's real, bro.
Oh, my god.
Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
How did you know?
I mean, did Tanner tell you?
No, dude, I figured it out myself.
Tanner won't even look at me
since I tried to get with him.
Mmm. Mmm.
Wait. What am I doing?
No, no way, no.
I cannot have Tanner's
rejected sloppy seconds.
I have too much self-respect.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some anti-gay
Prom posters to finish.
So close. God damn it!
I am so sorry.
You got me shrunk like a...
"Prom is short for
promenade, not prom-n-aids."
No one but Brent could
come up with a pun
That simultaneously
lame and offensive.
I told you...
He has officially lost it.
What the shit were you thinking?!
This language is unacceptable!
Principal Crowe, as
a devout Mormon,
I think the signs are all
totally true and appropriate.
Oh, in what universe would
"boutonnieres, not butt sex!"
Be appropriate for a prom slogan?
Yeah, and "no tossing salads"?
I got the cafeteria
ladies coming in here
Asking me if I changed the menu!
I've got news
organizations calling me,
Not to mention the ACLU.
People are tweeting about this!
We... We weren't thinking.
Well, I'm particularly disappointed
In you, Mr. Van Camp.
I expected more of you.
I was thinking about
suspending you all.
But instead I'm just
gonna cancel prom.
Oh, wait, no!
You can't do that!
Wait a minute. That'll turn
us into social pariahs.
Yeah, that's not fair. You're
not canceling their prom, too.
That prom is out of principal
Crowe's jurisdiction,
And its organizers haven't
been promoting a hate.
Now get out of here before I change
my mind about the suspensions.
That was terrific restraint.
Thank you.
Well, Tanner, looks like we've
now got the only game in town.
Though, Brent, I have
to give you some props.
Those signs were pretty Hilar.
Later, later.
Onward, Christian soldiers.
They want to cancel our prom?
Then we will organize a protest
Of their deviant
dance of debauchery.
She's right, "b."
The whole "me being prom
queen" ship has sailed.
But take it from an actress...
If we can't be in the spotlight,
We can sure make one
hell of a scene.
Family values!
Family values! Family...
'tophie, how could you?
Those signs that you made
were just so, so mean.
Babe, I was just trying to
protect our relationship.
Oh, well, congratulations.
You just did the opposite.
We are so done-zo.
How's it going, guys?
Oh, fantastic.
We've devised a genius
way to take "tan lines"
Down a few notches.
And knock "fawce-slut"
off her horse high.
Okay, so, while you
crazy Christians
Are outside protesting,
Caprice and I will
Infiltrate the prom
in killer ensembles.
James bond. Hello.
And the moment that
Tanner and Fawcett
Are crowned king and queen,
we douse them with this.
It'll be very Stephen
king's "Carrie"
Meets Mariah Carey's "glitter."
Tanner will hate it.
This one time, in, like, the
fourth grade, I accidentally,
Like spilled glitter on
him in arts and crafts.
He didn't talk to me
for like a month.
It's like the longest he and I
have ever gone without speaking,
You know, up until now.
And Fawcett will be picking it
Out of her prized
Goldilocks for months.
With any luck, she'll have to
shave it back like Britney.
I love it!
Great scheming, guys.
I'm just so glad we're
friends now, Caprice.
I've always wanted
an S.B.F.
An S.B.F.?
- Sassy black friend.
- Duh.
As Brent and Caprice plotted,
I realized I had my own
Unfinished business
to take care of.
I-I mean, hey.
I've got something to say.
Tanner, honey, what is it?
You need a snack.
No, Shannon, I'm not hungry.
I, um...
I've got something
to tell you both,
And I don't care if
you like it or not.
Honey, what is it?
I, um...
so, I'm... I'm not
actually going to the prom
With Fawcett tomorrow.
I mean, she's driving me,
but I've got another date...
A boy.
I like boys.
Well, I mean, not boys,
like... Gross.
Men. Men.
Like men my own age.
And so did Abraham Lincoln.
I read that somewhere.
And he was, like,
the best republican ever,
So you should probably
say something
Before I keep saying more things.
we know.
Y-You what?
We know.
And it's okay.
Although your claims
about Abraham Lincoln
I don't think are
entirely substantiated.
Tanner, sweetie.
I mean, you haven't been
completely consistent
In clearing the internet history.
We've seen some stuff.
We have seen some stuff.
I mean, who knew that that even...
Oh, my god.
Anyway, so, you're 100%
Completely allergic
to the lady parts.
That's fine!
Who cares? It's okay.
I- I-I could be Bi.
Yeah, right!
Of course you can.
Okay, well, um...
so, good, I guess, then.
I'm... I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.
Tanner, honey, do you need a snack?
You're skinny.
He could be bi.
Oh, prom! Let's do this!
Oh, that's cute.
Oh, that's so prom.
Oh, ooh-ooh-oh
Ooh-ooh-oh, oh
Girl, you look great.
Hey, girl.
I was talking to my son.
Thank you.
Let's do this.
Don't you think it's time
For you and me to
make some history?
Tell me now what you say
We can take anything
Caprice, I'm impressed.
I mean, you look very convincing.
When times are hard
we'll smile and say
We're not afraid of anything
'Cause we feel young and wild
I believe
Darling, can I just...
Just want...
Listen, I just wanted to say
that I don't know what,
You know, all this
is and I don't...
Whatever... Whatever
you want to call yourself.
I mean, the bottom line is
your mom loves you very much,
Like crazy a lot, like to the point
Where it's really
kind of ridiculous.
It's almost embarrassing.
A lot.
So, please just know that, darling.
I love you, too.
Oh, gosh, honey.
Thank you so much.
Here, I don't want to... I don't
want to smudge your makeup.
Shall surely be put to death!
Prepare ye...
for the infidels.
Where have you been?
And why are you wearing that?
You're bailing on me to go
after that latter-day skank.
'Shley dumped 'topher
And needs a G.B.F.
To escort her to prom.
She still seems to
think that I'm gay,
Despite our little
dry-humping session.
The indignities and humiliations
a guy will go through
Just for some Mormon ginge-muff.
You really are a
flaming heterosexual.
Seriously, Sophe, can
you do me a huge favor
And cover prom for the gazette?
Come on! Please.
You, of all people, know
That this insanity needs
to be documented.
And, uh, well, I might
have my hands full.
I am not paying aqua-valve one cent
To get into her sham of a dance.
Comped press passes.
Fine, but I'm only going
if there are appetizers.
Don't hug me.
Come on.
You're doing it again.
That noise girls make when they
see two gay guys together.
Yeah, it's the same
annoying sound people make
When they see cute animals
dressed in human clothes.
Ew, gross. Barf.
Is that better?
You're all gonna burn!
Think of your soul you're defiling!
Ever read the bible?!
"Do not lie with a man as
one lies with a woman!
It is an abomination!"
You're all going to hell!
That's right, bitches.
I'm upstaging you all
with double the 'mo.
And this one's imported.
Take my picture!
Please, please take my picture!
Funny seeing you here.
We've seen the error of our ways.
We just can't wait to
see you both crowned.
You guys really deserve it.
See, you guys?
It all worked out.
We all have our very own G.B.F.
Actually, we're not all G.B.F.'s.
Right... Brent's 100%,
grade-"A" hetero.
Sure he is.
I might be drastic,
But I'm more than
plastic, I show it off...
Well, hey, there, prom date.
So, is this not the
lamest thing ever?
I didn't know we were gonna be
Your girlfriend's
matching corsages.
I know, right?
Sorry about that.
You want to get out of here?
I know a place where we could...
get to know each other.
Yeah, that sounds awesome.
I just feel like I should
Really stay here for Fawcett's
sake, you know, 'cause...
...she's like...
...really fragile...
...and... Hmm?
I get it.
You're not there yet.
So, if you don't mind,
I'm... I'm gonna bounce.
These ways, for this
is how the nations
I am driving out before
you became defiled.
As the land was defiled,
I came to punish it,
And it has vomited
out its inhabitants.
You shall keep my promises...
See ya.
What are you doing?
I feel a monster
stress zit coming on.
You know when you
can feel it coming
And there's nothing you
can do to stop it?
Let me look.
Okay, well, I do see it.
The good news is it won't
surface for a few hours.
But if things run late
with posh spice,
He might have to learn
to love you, zits and all.
Not gonna happen.
He bailed.
I guess I spent all this
time being a G.B.F.
And never actually learned
how to be a real, live gay.
Well, it sounds to me like
he doesn't deserve you.
I just miss you guys so much.
I can't believe I ditched you.
I don't know what happened to me.
I just...
Just got s-scared.
Not to mention blinded by the flash
Of bleached teeth and hair?
Our crowning moment
is only minutes away.
Great tunes, great tunes.
Okay, hello there,
ladies and gentlemen,
And, uh, everything in between.
This is it, babes.
This is our moment.
T-Fawce is gonna dominate.
This is it, our moment.
T-Fawce is gonna eat it.
We make a good team, "b."
It is my pleasure to
announce this year's,
Uh, prom king and queen
of north gateway's first
And every other letter you can
think of"- Inclusive prom.
So, without further ado...
our trailblazing couple is...
Tanner and Fawcett!
Well deserved.
Let me know when you think
they're in position.
We love you, Tanner.
Thank you.
Oh, my goodness.
This is such a surprise.
Fawcett, I want to say something.
You're fierce!
This is for you.
Wait. Give him a second.
We love you, T-Fawce!
Look, uh, thanks, everyone,
For making me king
of this gay prom.
Oh, my god, he's doing it.
He's going full Lohan.
I don't want to be
king of the gay prom
Or be a gay best friend
or get gay-married.
I just want to go to prom,
Be a friend, and get
married, maybe.
You all see me more as
an object or a symbol.
I guess I've been
guilty of that myself.
I used my friends as
shields to hide behind.
I had friends who cared about me,
Whether I was gay or whatever.
And I had a best friend who
I shared everything with.
And all I want is...
I mean, I'd give anything
To just be his loyal
sidekick again.
Thank you very much.
Well, that's just sweeter
than a pug in a sundress.
Oh, no!
Oh, my god.
Brent! Jesus.
Are you okay?
Thought you could upstage me
With a classic
"what I learned" speech?
So, Brent burst out of the closet
In an explosion of glitter,
just like he always wanted,
And I got my best friend back.
Caprice, mission accomplished?
Uh, not yet.
Okay, y'all made your point.
I made mine.
Now we all have a choice.
You can stay out here,
bored out of your minds
And freezing your asses off
with this crazy bitch.
Or you can come inside
and dance your asses off
With this crazy bitch.
I mean, do you really
want to go heaven
If it's filled with nothing
but psychos like her?
That's what I thought.
Let's go.
Suit yourselves!
Run toward damnation!
I'll see you all in hell!
I mean, I won't see you
'cause I won't be there,
But there's probably, like,
a window or something
Where people in heaven can
look down to people in hell!
And I'll see you through
that hell window... thing!
That sucks, man.
It's not just all physical
How about an H.J.?
Drop that beat, bitch
It's hook, man, hey, hey, hey
My name is Heven
My gay best friend,
my gay best friend
He's on the go, he's on the go
We hit the club,
we hit the club
We drop it low, we drop it low
He always gets, he always gets
So, I went down in history
As the first kid in our
school to come out,
But I definitely wasn't the last
because, as it turns out,
The closet and high school
are kind of the same thing.
They're both something
you can't wait to escape
But are scared to death
of what lies beyond.
They both make you kind of insane,
Cause you to take on
a secret identity,
Or make you confused...
or mean...
or crazy horny, even.
Sweet Joseph smith, you are sexy.
You too.
You're out, right?
For a face like yours,
I'll out myself
To the entire Mormon
tabernacle choi...
When you're in, every little thing
Just seems like the hugest deal,
But once you're out, well,
You wonder why you
ever made such a fuss.
And while things still suck
every once in a while,
When you finally leave both
the closet and high school,
Everything just kind of...
sucks less.
So, now that you're out...
I am?
What about us?
Well, I just...
I was... Huh?
What? No, you go first.
I was thinking...
You know, if we ended
up together...
Which we totally would
If this were a classic
high-school movie.
Right, and, you know,
But we don't get to kiss
as the credits roll.
Well, we got to,
you know, keep going.
Maybe we'd last a few months...
...A year.
And then what?
Then we go to college
And then I cheat on
you and it's awkward
And I lose you forever.
So, what you're saying is,
Instead of satisfying our
teenage horniness...
instead of risking
having you as my B.F.,
I'd rather keep you
forever as my B.F.F.
Go "f" yourself.
But now I've come back again
So, after Brent had made
his gayness official,
'Shley and Glenn won cutest couple
When he came out as
irrefutably straight
And she came out as
a total rice queen.
But it took us a bit longer to
convince Fawcett to come out
As a chemistry nerd with
a secret nice streak.
Oh, my god!
Sophie won a scholarship
to Sarah Lawrence
After she published a
well-regarded analysis
Of the adolescent propensity
For self-perpetuated
And Brent and Caprice
were voted most dramatic,
Which... Let's face it...
Is basically short-hand
For "gayest"and "bitchiest."
As for me, I didn't win
any senior superlatives.
With all the new outings going on,
My sex life...
Or lack thereof...
Was once again the least
interesting thing about me.
I wasn't an accessory
or a sidekick.
I was just me.
And I couldn't have
been gayer about it.
And I mean that in the
old-timey, happy way,
Not the gay way, but...
Yeah, that, too.
I will be waiting for you
Pop dance crap!
Oh, shut up.
You know you love that crap.
You have a ladybug in your hair.
Uh-oh. Looks like
they're waking back up.
You want to hang out?
Should I just...?
Yeah, just have a seat.
Mm. Sits well.
She di... You... You... Ah!
Okay, do it again.
You're not wearing
underwear, are you?
I think they do care about
each other, though.
I mean, that's the nice thing.
You could be like my sister wife.
I like just "gay."
He's gay.
Yo, bro.
Necessity is the mother
of invention, right?
He's a guy, but he
only likes boys
Now give me booty bump, booty bump.
Oh. Oh, boy, that's firm.
Not surprised.
I can't wait to go home.
I miss you.
Thank you.
You checking out my bal...
I like the colors.
I really think hipster
Goth is coming back.
No, it's not.
Let's go.
I just bought these!
What flavors did you make?
Cherry, of course.
Black or bing?
You know I like the black ones.
He could be bi.
Yeah, but then we'd have
a Spanish-speaking son.
Who the hell wants that?
Bi is confusing.
I don't get it.
I'm glad he's gay.
Yo no comprendo bi.
How about a pop-tart?
Do you want a pop-tart?
Yes, I would like a pop-tart.
I'm gonna get you a pop-tart.
Thank you, love.
Traditional prom
It's always my day.
Wait! Whoa! I wouldn't
lift up that high. Okay.
Oh, my Britney.
Is that what they
call it these days?
My sunglasses are
supposed to be on.
Tweets! People are
tweet... Tweeting.
Or how about an arch "J"?
Not "arch."
An arch "J"?
I don't know...
What's an arch "J"?
"...Can think of"-inclusive
prom, so... Sorry!
With that...
he can't deal with it.
Heath is freaking.
That's sad.
My gay best friend
Are you coming back?
Oh, I'm such a lady
But now I wanna get freaky
I'm feeling naughty,
am I crazy?
Oh, I just want to be bad
Pass me my glass
The fangs are out tonight
Who am I gonna bite?
"H"...My hips
"R"...The rhythm
All the parts of her
"H"...My hips
"R"...The rhythm
All the parts of her