G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013) Movie Script
(MAN SPEAKING KOREAN)
JAYE: Hustle up, guys.
You've got to get that defector
and get the hell out of there. No delays.
Hey, Mouse, are you ready
with that 18-year-old aim?
I'm on it, sir.
ROADBLOCK: Move. Let's go.
(WHISPERS) All right, come on.
Where is this guy at?
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
All right, Mouse. Give us that diversion.
(MAN SHOUTS)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Let's move.
Flint, stay put.
(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(GRUNTING)
Anyone ever tell you you fight ugly?
Not from their backs, they don't.
It's just... (GROANS)
Flint, let's go. Flint?
What the hell are you doing?
FLINT: Just marking our territory, sir.
Private Gaines,
if you see Flint, shoot him.
With pleasure.
(MAN SPEAKING KOREAN)
Defector in hand.
En route to pickup. Come on.
I don't see him, do you?
(SOLDIERS SHOUTING IN KOREAN)
JAYE: Flint, get your ass
back to the team.
We are on the move.
Uh, you ain't gonna
believe this, Roadblock.
(SOLDIERS SHOUTING IN KOREAN)
Mother...
(ALL SHOUTING
IN ENCOURAGEMENT)
ALL: Yeah!
What?
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Unfair advantage.
I'm better.
He's got smooth cheeks.
He's got no facial hair.
- I'm gonna pull the pin.
- There's less friction underwater.
That's a foul. That's a foul.
(LAUGHING)
ROADBLOCK: A Joe flag.
A G.I. Joe flag.
FLINT: That was a nice touch, right?
Yeah. You can call it that.
And what would you call it?
- Undignified.
(LAUGHING) - Yeah, that, too.
You know in victory,
we should be gentlemen.
ALL: Oh!
- Hey, Jaye!
- Yo!
How long can
the average man hold his breath?
Ninety seconds.
ROADBLOCK: - Free hand.
- You got it, boss.
All right. Easy, Flipper.
Mmm.
Back. Damn, that's good.
(COUGHING)
There's nothing wrong
with taking a victory lap. It's fun.
This is how it works. G.I. Joe's a fist.
Us, we're the knuckles.
How do we strike?
Together.
A finger strays...
- It gets broken.
- It gets broken.
Knuckles, again? Really?
As a friend,
you've got to get a new speech.
And the next time
you want to drown somebody,
just invite me.
(ALL LAUGHING)
NARRATOR: Since the end
of the nanomite wars,
Captain Duke Hauser now leads
Joe Tactical Operations.
Under Duke's command are Roadblock,
Lady Jaye,
Flint
and Snake Eyes.
The ruthless terrorist known
as Cobra Commander,
and Destro
have been captured by the G.I. Joes
and placed in
a maximum security prison.
But the Cobra operatives, Storm Shadow
and Zartan, remain at large.
The unit and the world
remain on high alert following
Cobra Commander's final vow.
DUKE: Retaliation.
The ear that sees.
An ancient Arashikage test.
(BLOWING)
Jinx, cousin to Storm Shadow,
it's time to prove that you are ready
to join the G.I. Joes.
(EXHALES)
Defend yourself.
I'm ready, Blind Master.
Ears, open.
Snake Eyes, your task.
Test her abilities.
Pluck a single hair from Jinx's head.
(COMMANDS IN JAPANESE)
Ah, good.
One should be as nimble as a cat,
yet fierce as a tiger.
(LAUGHING)
Snake Eyes wins.
Jinx, in order to excel in war,
you must first find peace.
Snake Eyes,
you have earned the Blade of Justice.
Made of black carbon fibre.
Cruel. Indestructible.
There are rumours of a new attack
by our enemies.
You must leave the dojo to uncover
these plans and stop them.
But move swiftly.
You may already be too late.
(GUNFIRE)
ROADBLOCK: Contact front!
Contact front!
Heavy enemy fire! I need you to bring
them up the line. Bring them up the line.
DUKE: Check that, Block,
but I can't, man.
I'm taking rounds back here.
ROADBLOCK: I need you!
I need you now!
Air strike! Call in an air strike!
(STAMMERS) Wait. How do you call in
an air strike?
- Jesus!
- Can I bring...
What about one of those, like,
care package thingies?
ROADBLOCK: I'm bleeding out
and I need you to sprint.
Can you use a care package thingy?
I can bring you one.
A care package thingy?
Who is shooting me? What is...
I'm bleeding out right there and you're...
Are you spinning?
You got to cover 360.
- You're spinning.
- Huh?
How could you be so good at combat?
You stink at this.
I think you need to relax.
I believe I outrank you,
- last time I checked.
- Not in my house, you don't.
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Oh! All right. Taking fire!
Enemy fire! Time out! Enemy fire!
(GIRLS LAUGHING AND TEASING)
(LAUGHING) Enemy contact!
Uncle Duke, you have big ears.
(LAUGHING)
You got a big head.
Come here! (GRUNTS)
Returning fire! What's up, now?
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
DUKE: Returning fire!
(LAUGHS)
You can't scream your way
out of this one!
Yeah, requesting assistance,
brother Block!
Pinned down, brother Duke.
Pinned down.
That's all right. I got my boy here.
Demon dog!
(IMITATING BARKING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
TWIN 1: Grandma, help us!
We need backup!
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Not the first time you sent a girl
running out of the room screaming.
Not the first time
I sent two girls screaming from a room.
Dude, completely inappropriate.
- I'm just saying.
- Completely.
MALE REPORTER: (ON TV)
Violence continues across Pakistan
in the capital of Islamabad
following the assassination
of President...
FEMALE REPORTER: (ON TV)
The future of the country
and control of its nuclear arsenal
appear to be up in the air
as the vacuum created
by the killing remains.
CHIEF OF STAFF: The Pakistani
President may in fact be dead,
but Pakistan remains an ally.
And a sovereign nation.
Was.
Right now, they're a riot with a zip code.
Sir, every minute
we spend debating this,
there are live nuclear warheads
that sit amidst the chaos.
We can't let our enemies
get those warheads first.
(SIGHS) Recommendations?
Go in.
Now.
Wait and see. (SIGHS)
History rewards the bold.
I'm not going to be the man
who waited and saw.
Get me the G.I. Joes.
PILOT: Star One Flight commander
separating for drop.
DUKE: All right, listen up!
That nuke cannot have gone far.
Once we have it,
we will disarm it en route to the L.Z.!
We have its location narrowed down
to somewhere in this
missile assembly building.
We'll go in on the roof,
and fan out from there.
Flint, Jaye, if any support is needed,
you'll reinforce
as Roadblock leads the ground team.
Hell, yeah.
Hey, Mouse.
On my first drop
I popped a live round into my mouth.
Keeps your teeth from chattering.
Give it a shot.
- Delicious.
- Attaboy.
Jaye, what are we up against?
Insurgents are armed
with Kalashnikovs,
SVD Dragunovs and Type 50s.
Cold War stuff.
But don't relax, boys,
still put holes in you.
Whoa! What have you got there?
P-dub 381 black Tempest,
just out of the box. Rounds.
Quarter speed, remote controlled.
When did we get these?
We didn't. We did.
Distinguished Marksmen.
- Let me see.
(EXCLAIMS) Don't touch.
Girls with guns.
DUKE: Approaching target.
Ten-hut! Make ready!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Anyone else missing Snake Eyes?
I trained with Snake for six years.
If he ain't here, he's got good reason.
PILOT: Arch-Angel, go for drop.
Brother Block, as always,
would you mind leading us
in a few words, please, sir?
In the immortal words of Jay-Z,
(CHUCKLES)
"Whatever deity may guide my life,"
"dear Lord, don't let me die tonight."
"But if I shall, before I wake,"
"I accept my fate."
(MOUTHING)
Hell, yeah?
ALL: Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah.
Equipment check!
- Check!
- Check!
(ALL REPEATING)
- Check!
- Check!
- Check!
- Drive it like you stole it!
As your good friend,
you need a new catchphrase.
(CHUCKLES)
- Hoo-ah!
ALL: - Hoo-ah!
JOE 1: Alpha, Bravo, radio check.
JOE 2: Copy.
(MAN SPEAKING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
JOE 1: Go in ghost till first contact.
JOE 2: Three and six on the floor.
JOE 1: Copy that.
(MAN SPEAKING URDU)
DUKE: Team two, expect heavy contact.
Bring the rain!
(MEN SHOUTING IN URDU)
JAYE: Move out!
JOE 3: Team three headed upstairs.
(MAN SHOUTING IN URDU)
(GRUNTS)
JOE 4: East hallway, clear.
(GRUNTING)
(MAN SHOUTING)
ROADBLOCK: Level 2 secure.
Moving to level 3.
(MEN SHOUTING IN URDU)
(PANTING)
DUKE: - I owe you one, Mouse.
- Clear!
(MEN SHOUTING IN URDU)
(GRUNTING)
All right! I got eyes on the nuke!
Say again, I got eyes on the nuke!
(GRUNTING)
(MAN SHOUTING IN URDU)
But I'm taking heavy fire!
FLINT: Sit tight! I'm taking a detour!
JAYE: Negative, Flint!
Stick with the plan!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(MEN SHOUTING IN URDU)
Tangos down!
DUKE: Go, go, go!
(MEN CONTINUE SHOUTING IN URDU)
Flint, status!
(GROANING)
FLINT: Fire now!
DUKE: Weapons secured!
SHIPWRECK: Equipment
pack-up on level four!
Set!
Clutch, station
the transport vehicle! Move!
JOE 1: All teams,
rally to transpo, immediately.
Insurgents closing in, sir!
JOE 2: Team two secure. No losses.
- Contact headquarters.
- I'm on that.
Mount up! Let's exfil.
SHIPWRECK: Runway secure.
DUKE: Let's mount up!
(GRUNTS)
(WHOOPS)
(MEN TALKING IN DISTINCTLY)
Nuke's disabled.
Long-range transportation
and wheels down at 1900 hours.
Home in time for Top Chef.
Good job, Tiny Tim.
All that Wii Combat Shooter
finally paying off, sir.
(LAUGHS) Bam!
- How you doing, sir?
- Good.
All Joes present and accounted for.
Sit rep?
SHIPWRECK: Rendered safe
and ready for transport, sir.
Square this one away and go get a beer.
- Sounds good.
- Mmm-hmm.
DUKE: Sir, the nukes have been
recovered and disabled.
All Joe missions successful.
Only minor injuries to report, sir.
Transport crews are prepping
the L.Z. for evac at 0200 hours.
CHAIRMAN: Great job, Captain.
We're modifying
your extraction plan back here.
Sit tight.
JOE 1: Let's go, Rivera, let's go.
ROADBLOCK: Let me get this straight.
One whole weekend,
you looking after my little girls.
Yep, as long as I can bring this.
Look, I love your kids. I do.
But they live to terrorise me.
You trained them well.
And if you win?
You have to take your next promotion.
ROADBLOCK: You pull a trigger,
I pull a trigger.
I don't know if I'm gonna trust
a pastry from a gumbo chef.
(COCKS GUN)
Think about the wind.
Four knots? Left to right.
Humidity, I say, is about 62%.
You gonna feed me
the barometric pressure, too?
That's on the rise. Like your panties.
You love my panties.
That's an interesting choice of a joke.
Of all the things you could say...
- "You love my panties"?
- Are you gonna shut up?
- What does that mean?
- You gonna shut up?
- I'm looking out for you.
- I'm trying to do something.
- I just don't...
- Shut up, just shut up.
- I'm just saying.
- Just shut up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
How's your heart rate? (LAUGHS)
That is not gonna count.
I get to go again because you talked.
You pulled a trigger.
Now I pull a trigger.
(GRUNTING)
No, we're not doing that.
(SHUSHING)
- That is not gonna count.
Cheater.
I bought my little girls
a karaoke machine
and they love singing on it,
all night long.
There's no bedtime curfew,
so they're going to be up all night.
Make sure you bring your earplugs.
Boom!
- C'mon, best two out of three.
- No.
Best two out of three. That didn't count.
You didn't tell me
about the karaoke machine.
(WHISTLING TUNE)
Zandar.
Mr President.
Aren't you supposed to stop people
from shooting my dad?
Baldy.
Idiot.
Enough out of you, Lee Harvey.
Go clean up the chocolate stains
you left in your mother's bedroom.
(MEOWING)
Kitty likes to scratch.
(SIGHS) Next time,
take out his fat ass.
It would be my pleasure, sir.
I brought you some news.
The G.I. Joes are about to be
out of the picture.
And by "out of the picture," I mean
alive on earth.
Got a little too close to Mount Olympus.
Huh?
(WHISPERS) Had to strike them down.
They'll find you out, Zartan.
No. No, I don't think so.
That's the beauty of nanomites.
Here, take a look.
Hmm?
Flawless microtechnology.
You're insane.
Recess over. Sit him down.
You know, they say
this is a thankless job.
But yesterday I hung out with Bono.
My new Secret Service,
they want to burn the Constitution.
Literally.
And my interns...
Oh, yeah, I brought back the interns.
Mmm-mmm.
Do you know my favourite bit?
I get to blow stuff up.
Oh, I bet that endears you to the people.
Well, that's the thing.
Your approval ratings
climbed nine points.
Apparently, America wants
someone who looks like you,
but acts like me.
I'm the quicker blower-upper, baby.
Only one drawback.
The little wifey-pooh? (GASPS) Huh?
If you touch my family...
(LAUGHS) I'm yanking your chain.
Two long terms of you,
just a few short months of me.
So let's not waste the time I got left.
Where is the prison that holds
Cobra Commander and Destro?
Is this where I ask you,
what do you have planned?
Why does anyone want to be President?
Everybody wants to rule the world.
(RADIO CHATTER)
ANNOUNCER: (ON PA) All squads,
gear up and clear the L.Z.
Prepare for extraction.
Extraction? What are we, teeth?
- Reach H.Q.?
- No, I got nothing.
- Go up high.
- Roger, Sarge.
Block.
All our men accounted for.
Not a single drop of blood.
- Boots to asses.
- Yes, sir.
Except for that...
Did you scrape your elbow?
- No, it's red sweat.
- Yup.
That better have been
on somebody's face.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Hey, Duke.
You see that?
Security's early.
JAYE: Get down!
JOE 1: Take cover!
Take cover!
JOE 2: To your weapons! Let's go!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
JOE 2: On the ground! On the ground!
ROADBLOCK: Mouse!
JOE 2: Get 'em out of the L.Z.!
(JOE SCREAMS)
JOE 1: Medic!
Go!
(GRUNTS)
(EARS RINGING)
Flint's down! Flint's down!
- I'm going for him!
ROADBLOCK: - Go!
JOE 2: Ten o'clock!
(GRUNTING)
Get down!
Troops in contact!
Request immediate air support!
I repeat, immediate air support!
(MEN SHOUTING)
You all right? Come on, we got to move!
Go, go, go!
JOE 3: Help me!
You good? You hit?
Block, I got Flint. We got to get to cover!
Come on.
Incoming! Incoming! Go, go, go, go, go!
JAYE: Duke, come in.
FLINT: Duke!
Duke!
ROADBLOCK: Get to cover, now!
Go!
- Pull back! Rally point!
- Let's go!
ROADBLOCK: Get to the well! Go!
JOE 2: Clear 'em out of there.
Fall back! Fall back!
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
(COUGHING)
(MEN TALKING IN DISTINCTLY)
MAN 1: We're clear.
MAN 2: Let's go!
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
ZARTAN AS PRESIDENT: We have met the enemy
and he is us.
Today, the world's elite fighting force,
the G.I. Joes,
abandoned their duty
and broke the sacred bond
that exists between
the American people
and those entrusted with their security.
(GRUNTING)
ROADBLOCK: Ready and step.
(GRUNTING)
Ready and
step!
The first domino fell with
the murder of the Pakistani president.
The assassin,
a Joe,
call sign
Snake Eyes.
But he didn't act alone.
The Joes intended to use this situation
to seize Pakistan's nuclear arsenal.
Now this incident
serves as a sobering reminder
of the scourge of nuclear weapons.
And to that end,
I call upon my fellow world leaders
to convene immediately to discuss
nuclear disarmament.
On three.
One.
(FLINT GROANS)
Two.
Three!
(ALL GRUNTING)
ZARTAN: The G.I. Joes
clearly went beyond
the boundaries of their mission.
On my orders
a covert Special Forces unit
code named Cobra
terminated with extreme prejudice
Joe Command,
facilities, personnel.
(COUGHING)
The G.I. Joes are no more.
(GRUNTS)
We should leave.
There's nothing here.
There's nothing left here?
- That's not what he meant!
- These are our brothers!
That's not what he meant!
Whoever did this is going to come back.
We need to move.
You are our leader now.
We head due east until we're clear.
We're gonna find the man
who did this to Duke
and our brothers.
And we're gonna kill him.
(MAN ANNOUNCING ON PA)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON PA)
WARDEN: Snake Eyes.
Last place I thought I'd see you.
Warden James. It's a pleasure.
I'm a very big fan. I love the black.
It's very Johnny Cash.
Come. Welcome to Einsargen.
Let me tell you a little bit
about the place.
Listen to me.
I sound like a real-estate agent.
I'm not here to sell you anything.
Except maybe hopelessness. (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
How was your trip?
The sensation that you're feeling,
your upside-down tummy?
It's due to our descent into
a former East German mine shaft.
It was the deepest they ever dug.
So deep in fact that
you just crossed out of Germany
into international territory.
Which allows me
certain jurisdictional freedoms.
Huh?
One word,
awesome. This room is awesome!
Temperatures here exceed 210 degrees
when not artificially cooled to a crisp 68.
Almost calls for a Snuggie.
Wait till you see this next one.
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
See what I mean? This just slays me.
It's so interesting.
This is where science has come.
Did you know that during REM sleep,
the human body
produces a neural chemical
which paralyses
every muscle in the body
but the heart and the eyes?
This prevents us
from acting out our dreams.
We have injected both of these men
with a synthetic version.
They're perfectly awake.
They're conscious,
they're aware of everything
that's going on around them.
It's just that they're
trapped inside themselves.
Well, I believe you know
your new neighbours, Destro,
Cobra Commander.
Oh, the three of you are like
my fantasy football team.
Gentlemen.
Now as your eyes and mind
travel to where you cannot,
I want you to agonise.
I want you to pine.
I want you to ache for what once was
and will never be again.
I want you to doubt
that there was ever a word for escape.
Welcome to hell.
SNAKE: You have no idea.
Snake Eyes speaks.
It never occurred to me
what you might sound like.
But I've always thought about
what you might look like.
We'll have that mask.
Storm Shadow.
(CHUCKLES)
So you killed the Pakistani president.
Well, you're not exactly
my first-round draft pick,
but I've always been a fan.
FLINT: Protocol says we make
a distress call, right?
ROADBLOCK: No.
Protocol died with the unit.
FLINT: What?
How's anybody gonna know we're alive?
They're not, 'cause we're not.
To our government,
to our families,
but especially to our enemy,
we were KIA at 0600 hours
in the Indus Valley Desert.
But we have to at least try.
I mean, there might be...
No. Anything we do now
is a rumour of a rumour.
Any and all traces
of our existence is terminated.
The only one I trust out there
is Snake Eyes.
When we got hit,
how we got hit,
we were set up right from the start.
FLINT: How many stars would
someone need on their shoulder
to call an attack like that? Four? Five?
No, not stars. Buttons on his suit.
National Security Advisor.
Secretary of Defence.
No. There's only one man
who could authorise a strike like that.
And I voted for him.
(MEN TALKING IN DISTINCTLY)
TECHNICIAN: All vitals
on Cobra Commander are steady.
Storm Shadow
nerve prohibitors injected.
Sixty-two degrees on a change of 4%.
(PLANE APPROACHING)
Aerial threat! Down!
We're going home.
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
Full arrest! Full arrest!
No drill! Bring the restraints!
Remove the containment lid!
Where's the serum? Quickly!
Adrenaline now. Now! Adrenaline!
Let's go! Quickly, quickly!
Move! Move!
(MEN SHOUTING)
TECHNICIAN: Where's the serum?
(SHOUTS)
Let's go!
GUARD: Peel back! Move!
WARDEN: What do you mean,
his heart stopped beating?
No one here dies unless I say so!
Oh, my God.
Fire!
GUARD: Fire! Fire!
- Take him down!
(GROANS)
Take him down!
(PANTING)
GUARD 1: Clear on the north!
GUARD 2: Clear!
(MEN SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
(YELLS)
(PANTING)
Welcome to hell.
(YELLS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GASPING)
(WHEEZING)
Stop!
You shoot anything
that walks through that door!
Anything!
Storm Shadow.
Never a doubt.
Cobra Commander.
Destro.
You're out of the band.
WARDEN: Come on.
Come on.
(RAPID BEEPING)
(GROANING)
I see you've arranged transportation.
Making more things go boom
by 9:00 a.m.
than most people do all day.
Firefly. Good to see you, old friend.
Sir.
Some people
just didn't want to let me in.
(GROANING)
Now, I busted out of eight prisons.
But I only broke into one.
All communications have been cut off.
No one will know you're even missing.
(CHUCKLES)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
COBRA COMMANDER: Take him
to the mountains to heal.
I'll need him
for the war I'm about to start.
(STORM SHADOW GROANING)
(RUSTLING)
(PANTING)
- I want to help you.
(HELICOPTER TAKING OFF)
We've seen Storm's injuries.
We know where he's headed.
And you need me.
Good.
Sir, launch controls are nearly up.
The director was running behind.
Well, he ain't running behind no more.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Armour prototype
is complete to your specs.
I got it up to 60 on the dyno today.
You'll like this. Working title,
High Speed Sentry. HISS.
It's good to have you back, sir.
FIREFLY: Ain't she a beauty?
COBRA COMMANDER: Soon the world
will cower in the face of Zeus.
All we've been missing
is our Commander.
ZARTAN: Cool mask.
COBRA COMMANDER: Someone took his time.
Not easy to sneak out of that big, white,
11-bedroom, 35-and-a-half bath...
Just don't forget who put you there.
Or the rock you crawled out from.
Firefly. It's good to know
we're not running low on crazy.
Still all 10 fingers?
(SCOFFS)
How is our former President?
Oh, he is worth his weight in platinum.
You know, they call it a waterboard,
but I never get bored.
(CHUCKLES)
COBRA COMMANDER: In 48 hours,
Zeus will launch.
ZARTAN: Just one wrinkle.
Three Joes somehow survived
our little house cleaning.
A drone picked up voiceprints
in the Indus Valley.
Can I trust you with nothing?
They'll slip up.
And when they do,
I'll hunt 'em to ground.
COBRA COMMANDER: Hoo-ah.
No, no, it's cool.
I got it.
You lost, little man?
No, I ain't lost.
I think you got the wrong street.
So why don't you take Miley Cyrus
and Ryan Seacrest
and head back that way?
I'm going that way.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Go ahead, Marvin.
Man, don't call me that name.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- What's up? Little Marvin!
- Marvin?
STOOP: - Big Marvin now.
Had you worried for a minute, man.
Watch your hand back there, boy.
You don't want them to get you.
Look at you. You got grown.
How your parents
make a kid this big, man?
- His parents are like 5'2" apiece.
- Really?
STOOP: You're taking
that P9OX serious, huh?
(LAUGHS) Twice a week.
I see. Look at the size of your neck.
Let me introduce you. This is Flint.
What up?
Lady Jaye.
Lady Jaye. Hey.
- Welcome back.
- Thank you.
It's what happens
when you're in trouble, you come home.
Home is where the help is.
Amen.
Well, we got you.
Set up at the rec centre.
Lay low over there.
Nobody gonna bother you.
As far as wheels go,
I'm gonna let you roll my truck.
Thank you.
I got payments on that truck, man.
I don't get it like I used to. All right?
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Stoop.
I owe you one, brother.
Actually, you owe me two.
- That other one don't count.
(SCOFFS)
Welcome home, Marvin.
(DOOR OPENING)
Watch your step.
No one's been here for years.
This is gonna have to be our pit for now.
(JAYE WHISTLES)
Wow. It's an actual pit.
It's my old stomping ground.
FLINT: Are you sure
we can trust this Stoop guy?
- Stoop's no angel.
(COUGHS)
But he is family and we can trust him.
Can we be traced?
We can mask our IP addresses.
I'll cyber-blast an encoded beacon
every six hours.
If any Joes did survive,
we need to let them know
where we're at.
All right. Well, let's get to work.
Flint, inventory every piece
of equipment we got left.
Jaye, start that database
on our President.
We'll find out what's going on
with our Commander-in-Chief.
He's not acting like the man we know.
We find out why,
we can start being soldiers again.
(STORM SHADOW GROANING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(RADIO BEEPING)
Lieutenant Lady Jaye,
requesting immediate aid.
If any Joes have survived...
This channel's restricted to Joes,
isn't it?
...magnetic west of the Potomac.
They're alive.
This is Lieutenant Lady Jaye
requesting immediate aid.
JINX: Lieutenant Lady Jaye,
this is Jinx and Snake Eyes.
We are in pursuit of Storm Shadow.
Even if Snake Eyes and Jinx
grab Storm,
they're still halfway around the world.
We're on our own.
Enough for a battle.
Not a war.
We're fighting uphill here.
I came here when I was 14
with a life expectancy of 13.
I was bounced around
from home to home, until this
became my home.
Guys were lined up
outside that door to fight me.
They whooped my skinny ass so much
I started to enjoy it.
Till one winter,
I grew 8 inches and gained 60 pounds.
I punched a guy so hard
he couldn't move his arm to tap out.
Then when the Joes
came recruiting to the hood,
I'd already beaten down half of it.
I became a Joe to serve. In the field.
So if we're fighting uphill,
we take the hill.
JAYE: Hey, I got something
you'll want to see.
During my check of the President,
look what I found.
This is the President on August 9th.
PRESIDENT: ...an addiction
to offshore energy,
where we 're forced to be
kind of embroiled
in the affairs of foreign nations.
And this is 10 days later.
I mean, otherwise, we're sort of...
These are conversational fillers.
Little phrases
we spit out to give our brain
a chance to catch up
with our mouth. Like...
- Like.
- Yes.
ROADBLOCK: And our President?
Between August 9th and August 19th,
he stopped using
"you know" and "kind of"
and started using "I mean" and "sort of".
But that's not all.
"Supper" became "dinner".
"Soda" became "pop".
One President, two fingerprints.
But it's a few words, right?
I mean, how much can...
Check this out.
Two press conferences,
July 31st, September 1st.
See his fingers clasped?
Left thumb on top
versus right thumb on top.
The same person
never does this differently,
it feels wrong.
What if the President
isn't the President?
Look, if the Commander-in-Chief
is an imposter
and he's the one that ordered the attack,
we have to assume
that there's no one we can trust.
There is one man.
He's the reason we call ourselves Joes.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(MAN TALKING ON TV)
Hello?
I'll take two cases of Thin Mints
and a box of Chuckle Lucks.
Lower your weapons.
General Colton, if I may...
Shut your mouth, Brenda.
My name's not Brenda.
How'd you get in?
Sir, apologies.
- Sergeant Marvin...
- I know who you are.
Then you know why I'm here.
JOE: It's not like
I don't hear what you're saying.
But an imposter President?
How come when the General says it,
it sounds crazy?
What'd they do with the real President?
We fear he's dead.
I don't think so.
You're not going to kill your best asset.
"Conrad Hauser. Duke."
Your captain.
Tell me one thing you know about him.
Great soldier.
Better friend.
And he saved my life, sir.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Good.
What you're proposing is treason.
I'm gonna need something
a little more to go on
than overlapping thumbs.
JAYE: Before you retired,
you sewed on a security commission
with the President's Chief of Staff.
General Colton, can you get us close?
Negative.
I can't scratch my ass in this town
without getting on the watch list.
Brenda, hand me that pen.
Girl Scout to secretary.
Amazing. Name's not Brenda.
It's just a pen.
Avenue K, Georgetown. 9:00 p.m.
There's a poker game
with the Chief of Staff there.
He's not a good poker player.
He's got 1,000 tells.
We only need one.
CHIEF OF STAFF: Hey, hon.
Just got out of poker. Poorer but wiser.
(SIGHS) It was a good day, actually.
The Prez was taking
his crazy pills again.
Baby, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Yeah.
Love you.
(JAYE SIGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON EARPHONES)
Excuse me.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You need a hand with your bags?
Sure.
No problem. There you go.
Thank you.
Who said chivalry is dead, right?
Chivalry.
Talk like that,
I'm gonna get myself in trouble.
Where we heading?
Just right around the corner.
(HORN HONKS)
(SHOUTS)
(GRUNTS)
That tingly feeling is amobarbital.
It's a sedative that causes
anterograde amnesia.
In five minutes, you're gonna be asleep.
In another five, you're gonna wake up
with no idea I ever existed.
Notice anything strange
about your boss?
Maybe. Why?
'Cause you're gonna make
a phone call for us. Get us close to him.
But don't worry.
You're gonna forget everything,
so your conscience will be clear.
Why are you doing this?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Make the call.
(WIND BLOWING)
(GUARDS SCREAMING)
(METAL CLINKS)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(BLADES SWISHING)
(EXHALES)
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
(YELLING)
(YELLING)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
(SHOUTING)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GAS HISSES)
(CHOKING)
(SIGHS)
(MEN SHOUTING)
(BELL RINGING)
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING)
(ALL YELLING)
(JINX GRUNTS)
(STRAINING)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(STRAINING)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
(NINJAS YELL)
(SCREAMING)
Thank God.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
JAMES CARVILLE: El Presidente is on a roll.
His numbers are up.
And I'm not just talking about his age.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Now, I'm not gonna call
our Commander-in-Chief old.
Actually, he called me the other day
for some advice.
MAN: - Good evening.
- Good evening.
He wanted to hook up
the nation's nuclear arsenal
to the Clapper.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(APPLAUSE)
I'm sorry, ma'am, you're...
Late, I know.
Imagine the army it takes
to make me look like this.
Forgive me.
That's an army I'd like to enlist in.
Speaking of lists,
would you like to explain
why you're not on ours?
MAN: Here she is. Chief of Staff.
Enjoy your evening, Miss Vandervoort.
JAYE: I'm in.
Roger that. Standing by.
Jaye?
You keep your head down. Be safe.
ZARTAN: Mr Carville was
nice enough to mention
one of my passions.
Nuclear disarmament.
In just days,
the leaders of the world's
eight nuclear nations
will gather at historic Fort Sumter
for a nuclear summit.
But before the Atomic Eight
break bread,
it's our turn.
Thank you, James. Thank you so much.
Mr President.
Amy Vandervoort, Fox News.
Oh, Fox, of course.
That's why you look so
"fair and balanced."
(BOTH LAUGH)
Very cute.
But I was actually hoping to have a...
Dance?
- I was going to say, quote.
- Ah.
Okay, here's a quote.
The world will change
after my nuclear summit.
How about we dance?
JAYE: I really, I don't dance.
Sorry.
Thank you, Mr President.
You gave me what I need.
But I really have to make my deadline.
- It's been a pleasure.
(LAUGHS) - Thank you.
How are you?
Good, sir.
JAYE: I got a strand of hair
from his jacket. I hope it's enough.
Come on.
FLINT: Copy that.
Standing by for I.D.
All units, setting condition orange.
Stand by.
ZARTAN: I don't take no for an answer.
Almost there.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Zartan?
Jaye, get out of there now.
Oh, my God.
We have an unauthorised I.D.
She's a Joe.
We have a Joe on the premises.
Jaye.
Jaye, now.
I'm out.
Plan B, rendezvous Bravo.
Negative.
Proceed to rendezvous Charlie.
Charlie.
What's that supposed to mean?
Sorry, Jaye.
I got it from here.
Don't.
We have proof.
We're taking it to Joe Colton.
You planned this all along.
Block, stand down.
We ain't lawyers. We're soldiers.
I told you I was gonna
find the man who did this.
I was gonna kill him.
No! That's... No. Negative!
Block. Block.
Damn it!
One in the chamber.
Block? Block, where are you?
(GRUNTS)
(TYRES SQUEAL)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
I want to see that face.
(GROANING)
The one where you realise
today's the day.
It's the face all those pretty little Joes
had in the desert
when I lit them all up like fireworks!
(GRUNTS)
I really want to see that face.
There it is.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(GASPING)
BLIND MASTER: If Cobra and Zartan
are in the White House,
then the world is at stake.
Storm Shadow.
You will tell us Cobra's endgame,
or die
by the same sword you once
used to kill our master.
Your sword,
given to you
by our beloved Hard Master.
Do you deny that your envy and hatred
drove you to shed
the Hard Master's blood?
STORM SHADOW: It's possible
to feel so much hate
you stop feeling it at all.
Like a fish not knowing it's in water.
But my path was chosen for me
by my enemy
who framed me
for killing the Hard Master.
And my friends
who believed it.
Why defend yourself to men
too blind to see?
That is the Hard Master's blood.
But that is not...
(YELLS)
Wait!
...my sword.
Arashikage steel does not break.
I have asked myself over and over
who despised me enough
to destroy my life?
BLIND MASTER: I am sorry,
Storm Shadow.
But who would stand to gain the most
by framing you for this crime?
Your young adversary
who chased you away?
Or the man into whose arms
you were chased.
Someone who welcomed you,
showed you kindness.
STORM SHADOW: He needed me.
For who I would become.
A warrior of great skill and anger.
The man who betrayed me
was capable of great ingenuity,
violence,
but most of all,
disguise.
Zartan.
BLIND MASTER: Yes.
Tell us what he and Cobra have planned
so we can destroy our common enemy
together.
Try to hold still.
(DOOR OPENING)
You want to remind me how knuckles
are supposed to strike again?
Together.
Those were your words.
- I had a shot and I took it.
- Now, don't give me that!
You went rogue.
And I'd do it again.
Yeah? And what was
your big plan, then, huh?
You get yourself killed?
Jesus Christ. I listened to everything
you said over and over again.
I never questioned...
I wasn't going to bury any more Joes.
I've got guns to clean.
Hey.
Help me out here?
Thanks.
If my dad could see me now...
What are you talking about?
He wouldn't believe it.
Why?
Third generation military.
Desperately wanted a fourth, and
my mom had me.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, he must be
real proud of you, then.
JAYE: He didn't believe
in female soldiers.
I finally asked him why. He said
he didn't want to put his life
in the hands of a woman.
I enlisted the next day.
Spent the next seven years
trying to outrank him
so he'd have to salute me.
Did it work?
He died before I got the chance.
I'm sorry.
I'm actually gonna miss the red.
You look real nice.
Hey. I said we got guns to clean.
The world ain't saving itself.
That was for the tax hike.
Like you pay taxes.
Ain't always about me.
ZARTAN: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
We still need the man.
Besides, we've grown close.
Is Storm Shadow in?
Don't you worry about him.
He'll be more than ready.
I'm not too impressed with your Cabinet.
(CHUCKLING) No confirmation
hearings, that's what you get.
COBRA COMMANDER: Enough!
I'll take it from here.
He who controls this briefcase,
controls the U.S. nuclear arsenal
and the fate of humanity.
Open your eyes, Mr Ex-President.
FIREFLY: The eyes are
the windows to the soul.
(STRAINING)
Open up.
COBRA COMMANDER: Zeus is ready.
We just need
one final piece of the puzzle.
FIREFLY: Well done. (CHUCKLES)
History will stand in judgment.
Not of me. Of you.
(LAUGHS)
What do we got, Jaye?
Zartan's entire focus
has been this nuclear summit.
It has to be the key
to whatever he's planning.
All right. Well, then that's our target.
Yeah.
Guys, move.
(COCKING GUN)
(GRUNTING)
I think I'm faster than you, Snake Eyes.
Damn Ninjas.
(CHUCKLES)
Good to see you, brother.
Jaye.
Jinx.
FLINT: Back up.
He's with us.
I am not with you.
But for this once,
I am not against you.
How many of our men has he killed?
We're supposed to fight with him?
The leaders of the world
will gather tomorrow. It's a trap.
Storm is the only one
who knows Cobra's plan
inside and out.
He can help us find a way to stop it.
But we have to work together.
ROADBLOCK: All right.
Let's move.
Merry Christmas.
Makes you wonder
about your neighbours.
Nice.
Open up that couch.
Anything?
I brought my own.
Nice.
Yeah, that'll work.
Hey.
That one's mine.
This really is Patton's gun, isn't it?
Gift from his family.
What an honour.
You bet.
I was actually thinking about
something a little more your size.
Try not to scratch her up.
Idles a little rough in neutral.
I ain't gonna be in neutral.
Hoo-ah.
What about you?
DOD says
I can't come out of retirement.
They didn't say anything
about reenlisting.
Reporting for duty, Sergeant Major.
I'd like to bring a couple friends of mine.
ROADBLOCK: Colton's team,
it's our honour.
You guys take the perimeter.
Flint, Jaye, Snake,
you guys take the flank.
Jinx and Storm, Trojan Horse.
Zartan will be holding the briefcase.
Storm will be the closest man to him.
But he can't move
until we're all in position.
Everyone keep your eye on the prize.
We secure the football,
we secure the world.
Snake, how's all that sound?
That's what I thought.
FLINT: Okay, wait. Hold on a second.
We still have enemy armour
here, here, and here.
Right?
These tanks survive, we don't.
Leave the tanks to me.
General?
Call me Joe.
- Anything I missed?
- No.
Rock solid. My orders?
The President.
- Brenda's with my team.
- Roger that.
Does Brenda get a vote?
ROADBLOCK: Negative.
You need a pen?
I need your help.
ROADBLOCK: All right.
Let's kick that ass! Hoo-ah!
ALL: Hoo-ah!
REPORTER 1: A historic day for
the President of the United States
as he meets with...
REPORTER 2: This afternoon, the
President is meeting with the leaders
of the eight nuclear powers.
REPORTER 3: Never before
has a President been so bold
to call the leaders
of the world together...
REPORTER 4: These are
unprecedented nuclear talks
that most believed would never happen.
REPORTER 5: You can bet security is
at its highest...
REPORTER 6: We may be closer
to a nuclear-free world
than we have ever been.
ZARTAN: My fellow world leaders,
welcome to the hallowed grounds
of Fort Sumter,
whose proud walls saw the first shots
in our nation's grievous Civil War.
Here, men rushed through the breach
in a madness.
What better place to step back
from that same breach.
Renounce our darker natures.
Forgive our staunchest foes.
This site is symbolic.
Not only for the peace
we seek to achieve,
but the conflagration we seek to avoid.
The Cobras who protect us today
are dedicated to the belief
that there is no greater peace
than peace of mind.
- Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
RUSSIAN LEADER: I'll say it again.
The world is safer
with a nuclear presence.
I'm sure your electorate will be happy
by our final proposal.
50% reduction by 2016.
There are a lot of leaders in this room.
But only one leader of the free world.
And he,
I, stay with me,
asked you here with the goal
of universal disarmament.
Nuclear zero.
Now, I was prepared
to cajole to get what I want.
I'm now at threaten.
Each of you will clear out
his nuclear closet immediately.
Failure to participate
will be considered an act of war.
You're joking, of course.
This summit is over.
ZARTAN: Then this is it.
This is it, boys.
This country is at war.
With you and you and you
and you and you and you.
JOE 1: Delta team in position.
Echo, you're a go.
JOE 2: This is Echo. Beginning assault.
ZARTAN: The U.S. nuclear arsenal
is capable of destroying
each of your countries 14 times over.
Fifteen, in the case of North Korea,
just to be sure.
And all
(BEEPING)
at the push
of a button.
(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)
ZARTAN: It's true. Yeah!
Yeah, I pressed it.
You have lost your mind!
It's all relative.
You got three minutes to decide.
MAN 1: You got next watch?
MAN 2: Maintain radio silence.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(INDISTINCT CLAMOURING)
We cannot, we will not leave
a legacy of acquiescence!
- Bring the briefcase.
(SPEAKING KOREAN)
FRENCH LEADER: Don't do this!
There can be no winners!
Ooh. High score.
Let history record
who was responsible for this madness.
Launch.
(SPEAKING HINDI)
(SPEAKS KOREAN)
Launch.
(SOLDIER GRUNTS)
Eyes on the Emerald City.
Jaye and Colton,
you're a go for POTUS.
You all right?
Yeah. You all right?
My cholesterol's a little high.
JAYE: Jaye and General Colton.
Checkpoint neutralised.
You're on your own.
(RAPID BEEPING ON MONITORS)
Well, the good news is,
no global warming summit next month.
Unless
one of us cared enough
about his place in history
to unilaterally disable his warheads.
Hmm?
You know, in the name of the children.
Any volunteers?
No? Fine.
Me.
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Call your people to confirm.
You're a complete lunatic.
Says the man about to destroy Asia.
Come on,
who's going to follow suit, huh?
Are you really going to stand by
and watch as Earth is destroyed?
Abort!
(SPEAKING HINDI)
I figured North Korea for last.
(EXCLAIMS)
(DEVICE BUZZES)
Got to love the little guy.
Gentlemen.
Welcome to a nuclear-free world.
I want to direct your attention
to live images of your homelands.
Now, you're looking
at an advanced weapons system
we call Project Zeus.
There are seven Zeus satellites
orbiting Earth.
Each satellite contains
10 hollow platinum tubes
filled with a tungsten rod.
Zeus satellite 1-A approaching London.
Ordnance live and loaded.
Awaiting drop authorisation.
Now, to direct a rod to its target,
we don't launch it or fire it.
COBRA COMMANDER: We drop it!
Gravity does the rest.
Observe.
Satellite 1-A.
We have remote launch authorisation.
MAN: Three, two, one,
drop.
A rod touches down
eight times faster than a bullet.
And with a force significantly greater
than a nuclear warhead.
None of the fallout.
All of the fun.
(ALL GASPING)
(EXCLAIMS IN HINDI)
FRENCH LEADER: You will have to
answer for this.
To your Congress, your courts.
Correction,
they will have to answer to me.
What is it you want?
I want it all.
The Cobra revolution has begun.
By pressing that button,
Zartan initiated an auto-drop sequence.
My Zeus satellites
are moving into position
over your six remaining countries.
Satellites 2-A through 7-A
en route to targets.
The same button that begins this
can end it.
But I only press it for a price.
Total allegiance.
(YELLS)
(ALL SHOUTING)
JINX: Block, secure the perimeter!
(GROANS)
Get the control case from Zartan.
I'm going to drop them all.
Head to the door! Go, go, go!
Satellites en route to targets.
Beginning command protocols.
MAN: Follow that ground team! Go!
Stay.
MAN: On your six, Cobra two!
Cobra one, Cobra one,
I need eyes on! Eyes on!
(GRUNTS)
(GUN CLICKING)
Damn it.
(PANTING)
SOLDIER: We've got her cornered.
She ain't going anywhere.
(BOTH GROANING)
JINX: Go!
ZARTAN: Storm.
I never figured you for a Joe.
I'm very disappointed in you.
You're a bitch to hit.
(NINJA YELLING)
Traitor.
Storm.
You know, this sword
was never intended
for anyone
with anger management issues.
(LAUGHING)
Boom!
(SILENCED GUNSHOT)
- What was that?
- Shut up.
- Ray?
- Yes, sir.
Check the door. Give me a sit rep.
I'm on it.
(DOOR OPENING)
You two secure the entrance.
(GUN FIRING)
- What are you doing?
- Let's go. We're out of here.
Stand down. I'm gonna shoot him!
I said stand down!
Be a good G.I. Joe and drop the gun.
We're walking out of here.
I will shoot him in the head.
Do you understand me?
You're not listening, are you?
Put the gun down!
Drop it!
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
Easy, easy.
Put some pressure on it.
General Colton.
- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- Sorry, Mr President.
PRESIDENT: - No, it's fine.
Come on. Let's move.
Here we go.
Roadblock, POTUS secure.
No casualties.
ROADBLOCK: Roger that, Jaye.
You betrayed the Hard Master.
And made me what I am.
Yep.
Yeah, I can see that was wrong.
(BOTH GRUNT)
ROADBLOCK: We need eyes
on Firefly and Cobra ASAP.
(GRUNTS)
FLINT: Courtyard clear. No sign of him.
FIREFLY: Commander, I have the case.
We are still a go.
How long till drop?
On schedule, Commander.
Five minutes to live fire.
Final targeting to begin shortly.
Zeus satellites 4 and 7 in position.
Zeus satellites 2, 3, 5, and 6
are locked on target. France,
Russia, North Korea,
India, Israel, China.
Block.
Cobra Commander's bugging out.
No sign of Firefly.
ROADBLOCK: I've got him.
Targets acquired.
Ordnance live and loading.
Zeus 4 is ready to fire. Hatch is open.
(GROANING)
MAN 1: Get him!
MAN 2: Take him out!
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLES)
You want that case?
You're gonna have to come through me.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
MAN: All satellites have begun load
for final countdown.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
MAN: Launch codes confirmed.
Ten seconds to live fire.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven. Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
Threat terminated.
Team Bravo, perimeter has been
cleared and secured.
(WIND WHISTLING)
MAN: Joe Command to
covert operations.
We have control of the perimeter.
Medical personnel are on the scene.
All Joes are accounted for.
We're going home.
REPORTER 1: The President is
back safe in the Oval Office today,
presiding over a ceremony
honouring the G. I. Joes.
REPORTER 2: With the world
back in order,
rebuilding has begun around the world.
PRESIDENT: Those
who stand beside us,
the world knows them as Joes.
We know them as heroes.
(APPLAUSE)
Jinx.
Welcome to the Joes.
Flint.
Great job.
Captain Jaye Burnett.
I sewed with your father.
He'd be very proud of you.
MILITARY OFFICIAL: Ladies and
gentlemen, the G.I. Joes.
Hey.
For when you find Cobra Commander.
Where can we find you, General?
Just need my orders.
You know, we'd make a hell of a team.
(CHUCKLES)
JAYE: Hustle up, guys.
You've got to get that defector
and get the hell out of there. No delays.
Hey, Mouse, are you ready
with that 18-year-old aim?
I'm on it, sir.
ROADBLOCK: Move. Let's go.
(WHISPERS) All right, come on.
Where is this guy at?
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
All right, Mouse. Give us that diversion.
(MAN SHOUTS)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Let's move.
Flint, stay put.
(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(GRUNTING)
Anyone ever tell you you fight ugly?
Not from their backs, they don't.
It's just... (GROANS)
Flint, let's go. Flint?
What the hell are you doing?
FLINT: Just marking our territory, sir.
Private Gaines,
if you see Flint, shoot him.
With pleasure.
(MAN SPEAKING KOREAN)
Defector in hand.
En route to pickup. Come on.
I don't see him, do you?
(SOLDIERS SHOUTING IN KOREAN)
JAYE: Flint, get your ass
back to the team.
We are on the move.
Uh, you ain't gonna
believe this, Roadblock.
(SOLDIERS SHOUTING IN KOREAN)
Mother...
(ALL SHOUTING
IN ENCOURAGEMENT)
ALL: Yeah!
What?
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Unfair advantage.
I'm better.
He's got smooth cheeks.
He's got no facial hair.
- I'm gonna pull the pin.
- There's less friction underwater.
That's a foul. That's a foul.
(LAUGHING)
ROADBLOCK: A Joe flag.
A G.I. Joe flag.
FLINT: That was a nice touch, right?
Yeah. You can call it that.
And what would you call it?
- Undignified.
(LAUGHING) - Yeah, that, too.
You know in victory,
we should be gentlemen.
ALL: Oh!
- Hey, Jaye!
- Yo!
How long can
the average man hold his breath?
Ninety seconds.
ROADBLOCK: - Free hand.
- You got it, boss.
All right. Easy, Flipper.
Mmm.
Back. Damn, that's good.
(COUGHING)
There's nothing wrong
with taking a victory lap. It's fun.
This is how it works. G.I. Joe's a fist.
Us, we're the knuckles.
How do we strike?
Together.
A finger strays...
- It gets broken.
- It gets broken.
Knuckles, again? Really?
As a friend,
you've got to get a new speech.
And the next time
you want to drown somebody,
just invite me.
(ALL LAUGHING)
NARRATOR: Since the end
of the nanomite wars,
Captain Duke Hauser now leads
Joe Tactical Operations.
Under Duke's command are Roadblock,
Lady Jaye,
Flint
and Snake Eyes.
The ruthless terrorist known
as Cobra Commander,
and Destro
have been captured by the G.I. Joes
and placed in
a maximum security prison.
But the Cobra operatives, Storm Shadow
and Zartan, remain at large.
The unit and the world
remain on high alert following
Cobra Commander's final vow.
DUKE: Retaliation.
The ear that sees.
An ancient Arashikage test.
(BLOWING)
Jinx, cousin to Storm Shadow,
it's time to prove that you are ready
to join the G.I. Joes.
(EXHALES)
Defend yourself.
I'm ready, Blind Master.
Ears, open.
Snake Eyes, your task.
Test her abilities.
Pluck a single hair from Jinx's head.
(COMMANDS IN JAPANESE)
Ah, good.
One should be as nimble as a cat,
yet fierce as a tiger.
(LAUGHING)
Snake Eyes wins.
Jinx, in order to excel in war,
you must first find peace.
Snake Eyes,
you have earned the Blade of Justice.
Made of black carbon fibre.
Cruel. Indestructible.
There are rumours of a new attack
by our enemies.
You must leave the dojo to uncover
these plans and stop them.
But move swiftly.
You may already be too late.
(GUNFIRE)
ROADBLOCK: Contact front!
Contact front!
Heavy enemy fire! I need you to bring
them up the line. Bring them up the line.
DUKE: Check that, Block,
but I can't, man.
I'm taking rounds back here.
ROADBLOCK: I need you!
I need you now!
Air strike! Call in an air strike!
(STAMMERS) Wait. How do you call in
an air strike?
- Jesus!
- Can I bring...
What about one of those, like,
care package thingies?
ROADBLOCK: I'm bleeding out
and I need you to sprint.
Can you use a care package thingy?
I can bring you one.
A care package thingy?
Who is shooting me? What is...
I'm bleeding out right there and you're...
Are you spinning?
You got to cover 360.
- You're spinning.
- Huh?
How could you be so good at combat?
You stink at this.
I think you need to relax.
I believe I outrank you,
- last time I checked.
- Not in my house, you don't.
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Oh! All right. Taking fire!
Enemy fire! Time out! Enemy fire!
(GIRLS LAUGHING AND TEASING)
(LAUGHING) Enemy contact!
Uncle Duke, you have big ears.
(LAUGHING)
You got a big head.
Come here! (GRUNTS)
Returning fire! What's up, now?
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
DUKE: Returning fire!
(LAUGHS)
You can't scream your way
out of this one!
Yeah, requesting assistance,
brother Block!
Pinned down, brother Duke.
Pinned down.
That's all right. I got my boy here.
Demon dog!
(IMITATING BARKING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
TWIN 1: Grandma, help us!
We need backup!
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Not the first time you sent a girl
running out of the room screaming.
Not the first time
I sent two girls screaming from a room.
Dude, completely inappropriate.
- I'm just saying.
- Completely.
MALE REPORTER: (ON TV)
Violence continues across Pakistan
in the capital of Islamabad
following the assassination
of President...
FEMALE REPORTER: (ON TV)
The future of the country
and control of its nuclear arsenal
appear to be up in the air
as the vacuum created
by the killing remains.
CHIEF OF STAFF: The Pakistani
President may in fact be dead,
but Pakistan remains an ally.
And a sovereign nation.
Was.
Right now, they're a riot with a zip code.
Sir, every minute
we spend debating this,
there are live nuclear warheads
that sit amidst the chaos.
We can't let our enemies
get those warheads first.
(SIGHS) Recommendations?
Go in.
Now.
Wait and see. (SIGHS)
History rewards the bold.
I'm not going to be the man
who waited and saw.
Get me the G.I. Joes.
PILOT: Star One Flight commander
separating for drop.
DUKE: All right, listen up!
That nuke cannot have gone far.
Once we have it,
we will disarm it en route to the L.Z.!
We have its location narrowed down
to somewhere in this
missile assembly building.
We'll go in on the roof,
and fan out from there.
Flint, Jaye, if any support is needed,
you'll reinforce
as Roadblock leads the ground team.
Hell, yeah.
Hey, Mouse.
On my first drop
I popped a live round into my mouth.
Keeps your teeth from chattering.
Give it a shot.
- Delicious.
- Attaboy.
Jaye, what are we up against?
Insurgents are armed
with Kalashnikovs,
SVD Dragunovs and Type 50s.
Cold War stuff.
But don't relax, boys,
still put holes in you.
Whoa! What have you got there?
P-dub 381 black Tempest,
just out of the box. Rounds.
Quarter speed, remote controlled.
When did we get these?
We didn't. We did.
Distinguished Marksmen.
- Let me see.
(EXCLAIMS) Don't touch.
Girls with guns.
DUKE: Approaching target.
Ten-hut! Make ready!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Anyone else missing Snake Eyes?
I trained with Snake for six years.
If he ain't here, he's got good reason.
PILOT: Arch-Angel, go for drop.
Brother Block, as always,
would you mind leading us
in a few words, please, sir?
In the immortal words of Jay-Z,
(CHUCKLES)
"Whatever deity may guide my life,"
"dear Lord, don't let me die tonight."
"But if I shall, before I wake,"
"I accept my fate."
(MOUTHING)
Hell, yeah?
ALL: Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah.
Equipment check!
- Check!
- Check!
(ALL REPEATING)
- Check!
- Check!
- Check!
- Drive it like you stole it!
As your good friend,
you need a new catchphrase.
(CHUCKLES)
- Hoo-ah!
ALL: - Hoo-ah!
JOE 1: Alpha, Bravo, radio check.
JOE 2: Copy.
(MAN SPEAKING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
JOE 1: Go in ghost till first contact.
JOE 2: Three and six on the floor.
JOE 1: Copy that.
(MAN SPEAKING URDU)
DUKE: Team two, expect heavy contact.
Bring the rain!
(MEN SHOUTING IN URDU)
JAYE: Move out!
JOE 3: Team three headed upstairs.
(MAN SHOUTING IN URDU)
(GRUNTS)
JOE 4: East hallway, clear.
(GRUNTING)
(MAN SHOUTING)
ROADBLOCK: Level 2 secure.
Moving to level 3.
(MEN SHOUTING IN URDU)
(PANTING)
DUKE: - I owe you one, Mouse.
- Clear!
(MEN SHOUTING IN URDU)
(GRUNTING)
All right! I got eyes on the nuke!
Say again, I got eyes on the nuke!
(GRUNTING)
(MAN SHOUTING IN URDU)
But I'm taking heavy fire!
FLINT: Sit tight! I'm taking a detour!
JAYE: Negative, Flint!
Stick with the plan!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(MEN SHOUTING IN URDU)
Tangos down!
DUKE: Go, go, go!
(MEN CONTINUE SHOUTING IN URDU)
Flint, status!
(GROANING)
FLINT: Fire now!
DUKE: Weapons secured!
SHIPWRECK: Equipment
pack-up on level four!
Set!
Clutch, station
the transport vehicle! Move!
JOE 1: All teams,
rally to transpo, immediately.
Insurgents closing in, sir!
JOE 2: Team two secure. No losses.
- Contact headquarters.
- I'm on that.
Mount up! Let's exfil.
SHIPWRECK: Runway secure.
DUKE: Let's mount up!
(GRUNTS)
(WHOOPS)
(MEN TALKING IN DISTINCTLY)
Nuke's disabled.
Long-range transportation
and wheels down at 1900 hours.
Home in time for Top Chef.
Good job, Tiny Tim.
All that Wii Combat Shooter
finally paying off, sir.
(LAUGHS) Bam!
- How you doing, sir?
- Good.
All Joes present and accounted for.
Sit rep?
SHIPWRECK: Rendered safe
and ready for transport, sir.
Square this one away and go get a beer.
- Sounds good.
- Mmm-hmm.
DUKE: Sir, the nukes have been
recovered and disabled.
All Joe missions successful.
Only minor injuries to report, sir.
Transport crews are prepping
the L.Z. for evac at 0200 hours.
CHAIRMAN: Great job, Captain.
We're modifying
your extraction plan back here.
Sit tight.
JOE 1: Let's go, Rivera, let's go.
ROADBLOCK: Let me get this straight.
One whole weekend,
you looking after my little girls.
Yep, as long as I can bring this.
Look, I love your kids. I do.
But they live to terrorise me.
You trained them well.
And if you win?
You have to take your next promotion.
ROADBLOCK: You pull a trigger,
I pull a trigger.
I don't know if I'm gonna trust
a pastry from a gumbo chef.
(COCKS GUN)
Think about the wind.
Four knots? Left to right.
Humidity, I say, is about 62%.
You gonna feed me
the barometric pressure, too?
That's on the rise. Like your panties.
You love my panties.
That's an interesting choice of a joke.
Of all the things you could say...
- "You love my panties"?
- Are you gonna shut up?
- What does that mean?
- You gonna shut up?
- I'm looking out for you.
- I'm trying to do something.
- I just don't...
- Shut up, just shut up.
- I'm just saying.
- Just shut up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
How's your heart rate? (LAUGHS)
That is not gonna count.
I get to go again because you talked.
You pulled a trigger.
Now I pull a trigger.
(GRUNTING)
No, we're not doing that.
(SHUSHING)
- That is not gonna count.
Cheater.
I bought my little girls
a karaoke machine
and they love singing on it,
all night long.
There's no bedtime curfew,
so they're going to be up all night.
Make sure you bring your earplugs.
Boom!
- C'mon, best two out of three.
- No.
Best two out of three. That didn't count.
You didn't tell me
about the karaoke machine.
(WHISTLING TUNE)
Zandar.
Mr President.
Aren't you supposed to stop people
from shooting my dad?
Baldy.
Idiot.
Enough out of you, Lee Harvey.
Go clean up the chocolate stains
you left in your mother's bedroom.
(MEOWING)
Kitty likes to scratch.
(SIGHS) Next time,
take out his fat ass.
It would be my pleasure, sir.
I brought you some news.
The G.I. Joes are about to be
out of the picture.
And by "out of the picture," I mean
alive on earth.
Got a little too close to Mount Olympus.
Huh?
(WHISPERS) Had to strike them down.
They'll find you out, Zartan.
No. No, I don't think so.
That's the beauty of nanomites.
Here, take a look.
Hmm?
Flawless microtechnology.
You're insane.
Recess over. Sit him down.
You know, they say
this is a thankless job.
But yesterday I hung out with Bono.
My new Secret Service,
they want to burn the Constitution.
Literally.
And my interns...
Oh, yeah, I brought back the interns.
Mmm-mmm.
Do you know my favourite bit?
I get to blow stuff up.
Oh, I bet that endears you to the people.
Well, that's the thing.
Your approval ratings
climbed nine points.
Apparently, America wants
someone who looks like you,
but acts like me.
I'm the quicker blower-upper, baby.
Only one drawback.
The little wifey-pooh? (GASPS) Huh?
If you touch my family...
(LAUGHS) I'm yanking your chain.
Two long terms of you,
just a few short months of me.
So let's not waste the time I got left.
Where is the prison that holds
Cobra Commander and Destro?
Is this where I ask you,
what do you have planned?
Why does anyone want to be President?
Everybody wants to rule the world.
(RADIO CHATTER)
ANNOUNCER: (ON PA) All squads,
gear up and clear the L.Z.
Prepare for extraction.
Extraction? What are we, teeth?
- Reach H.Q.?
- No, I got nothing.
- Go up high.
- Roger, Sarge.
Block.
All our men accounted for.
Not a single drop of blood.
- Boots to asses.
- Yes, sir.
Except for that...
Did you scrape your elbow?
- No, it's red sweat.
- Yup.
That better have been
on somebody's face.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Hey, Duke.
You see that?
Security's early.
JAYE: Get down!
JOE 1: Take cover!
Take cover!
JOE 2: To your weapons! Let's go!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
JOE 2: On the ground! On the ground!
ROADBLOCK: Mouse!
JOE 2: Get 'em out of the L.Z.!
(JOE SCREAMS)
JOE 1: Medic!
Go!
(GRUNTS)
(EARS RINGING)
Flint's down! Flint's down!
- I'm going for him!
ROADBLOCK: - Go!
JOE 2: Ten o'clock!
(GRUNTING)
Get down!
Troops in contact!
Request immediate air support!
I repeat, immediate air support!
(MEN SHOUTING)
You all right? Come on, we got to move!
Go, go, go!
JOE 3: Help me!
You good? You hit?
Block, I got Flint. We got to get to cover!
Come on.
Incoming! Incoming! Go, go, go, go, go!
JAYE: Duke, come in.
FLINT: Duke!
Duke!
ROADBLOCK: Get to cover, now!
Go!
- Pull back! Rally point!
- Let's go!
ROADBLOCK: Get to the well! Go!
JOE 2: Clear 'em out of there.
Fall back! Fall back!
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
(COUGHING)
(MEN TALKING IN DISTINCTLY)
MAN 1: We're clear.
MAN 2: Let's go!
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
ZARTAN AS PRESIDENT: We have met the enemy
and he is us.
Today, the world's elite fighting force,
the G.I. Joes,
abandoned their duty
and broke the sacred bond
that exists between
the American people
and those entrusted with their security.
(GRUNTING)
ROADBLOCK: Ready and step.
(GRUNTING)
Ready and
step!
The first domino fell with
the murder of the Pakistani president.
The assassin,
a Joe,
call sign
Snake Eyes.
But he didn't act alone.
The Joes intended to use this situation
to seize Pakistan's nuclear arsenal.
Now this incident
serves as a sobering reminder
of the scourge of nuclear weapons.
And to that end,
I call upon my fellow world leaders
to convene immediately to discuss
nuclear disarmament.
On three.
One.
(FLINT GROANS)
Two.
Three!
(ALL GRUNTING)
ZARTAN: The G.I. Joes
clearly went beyond
the boundaries of their mission.
On my orders
a covert Special Forces unit
code named Cobra
terminated with extreme prejudice
Joe Command,
facilities, personnel.
(COUGHING)
The G.I. Joes are no more.
(GRUNTS)
We should leave.
There's nothing here.
There's nothing left here?
- That's not what he meant!
- These are our brothers!
That's not what he meant!
Whoever did this is going to come back.
We need to move.
You are our leader now.
We head due east until we're clear.
We're gonna find the man
who did this to Duke
and our brothers.
And we're gonna kill him.
(MAN ANNOUNCING ON PA)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON PA)
WARDEN: Snake Eyes.
Last place I thought I'd see you.
Warden James. It's a pleasure.
I'm a very big fan. I love the black.
It's very Johnny Cash.
Come. Welcome to Einsargen.
Let me tell you a little bit
about the place.
Listen to me.
I sound like a real-estate agent.
I'm not here to sell you anything.
Except maybe hopelessness. (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
How was your trip?
The sensation that you're feeling,
your upside-down tummy?
It's due to our descent into
a former East German mine shaft.
It was the deepest they ever dug.
So deep in fact that
you just crossed out of Germany
into international territory.
Which allows me
certain jurisdictional freedoms.
Huh?
One word,
awesome. This room is awesome!
Temperatures here exceed 210 degrees
when not artificially cooled to a crisp 68.
Almost calls for a Snuggie.
Wait till you see this next one.
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
See what I mean? This just slays me.
It's so interesting.
This is where science has come.
Did you know that during REM sleep,
the human body
produces a neural chemical
which paralyses
every muscle in the body
but the heart and the eyes?
This prevents us
from acting out our dreams.
We have injected both of these men
with a synthetic version.
They're perfectly awake.
They're conscious,
they're aware of everything
that's going on around them.
It's just that they're
trapped inside themselves.
Well, I believe you know
your new neighbours, Destro,
Cobra Commander.
Oh, the three of you are like
my fantasy football team.
Gentlemen.
Now as your eyes and mind
travel to where you cannot,
I want you to agonise.
I want you to pine.
I want you to ache for what once was
and will never be again.
I want you to doubt
that there was ever a word for escape.
Welcome to hell.
SNAKE: You have no idea.
Snake Eyes speaks.
It never occurred to me
what you might sound like.
But I've always thought about
what you might look like.
We'll have that mask.
Storm Shadow.
(CHUCKLES)
So you killed the Pakistani president.
Well, you're not exactly
my first-round draft pick,
but I've always been a fan.
FLINT: Protocol says we make
a distress call, right?
ROADBLOCK: No.
Protocol died with the unit.
FLINT: What?
How's anybody gonna know we're alive?
They're not, 'cause we're not.
To our government,
to our families,
but especially to our enemy,
we were KIA at 0600 hours
in the Indus Valley Desert.
But we have to at least try.
I mean, there might be...
No. Anything we do now
is a rumour of a rumour.
Any and all traces
of our existence is terminated.
The only one I trust out there
is Snake Eyes.
When we got hit,
how we got hit,
we were set up right from the start.
FLINT: How many stars would
someone need on their shoulder
to call an attack like that? Four? Five?
No, not stars. Buttons on his suit.
National Security Advisor.
Secretary of Defence.
No. There's only one man
who could authorise a strike like that.
And I voted for him.
(MEN TALKING IN DISTINCTLY)
TECHNICIAN: All vitals
on Cobra Commander are steady.
Storm Shadow
nerve prohibitors injected.
Sixty-two degrees on a change of 4%.
(PLANE APPROACHING)
Aerial threat! Down!
We're going home.
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
Full arrest! Full arrest!
No drill! Bring the restraints!
Remove the containment lid!
Where's the serum? Quickly!
Adrenaline now. Now! Adrenaline!
Let's go! Quickly, quickly!
Move! Move!
(MEN SHOUTING)
TECHNICIAN: Where's the serum?
(SHOUTS)
Let's go!
GUARD: Peel back! Move!
WARDEN: What do you mean,
his heart stopped beating?
No one here dies unless I say so!
Oh, my God.
Fire!
GUARD: Fire! Fire!
- Take him down!
(GROANS)
Take him down!
(PANTING)
GUARD 1: Clear on the north!
GUARD 2: Clear!
(MEN SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
(YELLS)
(PANTING)
Welcome to hell.
(YELLS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GASPING)
(WHEEZING)
Stop!
You shoot anything
that walks through that door!
Anything!
Storm Shadow.
Never a doubt.
Cobra Commander.
Destro.
You're out of the band.
WARDEN: Come on.
Come on.
(RAPID BEEPING)
(GROANING)
I see you've arranged transportation.
Making more things go boom
by 9:00 a.m.
than most people do all day.
Firefly. Good to see you, old friend.
Sir.
Some people
just didn't want to let me in.
(GROANING)
Now, I busted out of eight prisons.
But I only broke into one.
All communications have been cut off.
No one will know you're even missing.
(CHUCKLES)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
COBRA COMMANDER: Take him
to the mountains to heal.
I'll need him
for the war I'm about to start.
(STORM SHADOW GROANING)
(RUSTLING)
(PANTING)
- I want to help you.
(HELICOPTER TAKING OFF)
We've seen Storm's injuries.
We know where he's headed.
And you need me.
Good.
Sir, launch controls are nearly up.
The director was running behind.
Well, he ain't running behind no more.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Armour prototype
is complete to your specs.
I got it up to 60 on the dyno today.
You'll like this. Working title,
High Speed Sentry. HISS.
It's good to have you back, sir.
FIREFLY: Ain't she a beauty?
COBRA COMMANDER: Soon the world
will cower in the face of Zeus.
All we've been missing
is our Commander.
ZARTAN: Cool mask.
COBRA COMMANDER: Someone took his time.
Not easy to sneak out of that big, white,
11-bedroom, 35-and-a-half bath...
Just don't forget who put you there.
Or the rock you crawled out from.
Firefly. It's good to know
we're not running low on crazy.
Still all 10 fingers?
(SCOFFS)
How is our former President?
Oh, he is worth his weight in platinum.
You know, they call it a waterboard,
but I never get bored.
(CHUCKLES)
COBRA COMMANDER: In 48 hours,
Zeus will launch.
ZARTAN: Just one wrinkle.
Three Joes somehow survived
our little house cleaning.
A drone picked up voiceprints
in the Indus Valley.
Can I trust you with nothing?
They'll slip up.
And when they do,
I'll hunt 'em to ground.
COBRA COMMANDER: Hoo-ah.
No, no, it's cool.
I got it.
You lost, little man?
No, I ain't lost.
I think you got the wrong street.
So why don't you take Miley Cyrus
and Ryan Seacrest
and head back that way?
I'm going that way.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Go ahead, Marvin.
Man, don't call me that name.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- What's up? Little Marvin!
- Marvin?
STOOP: - Big Marvin now.
Had you worried for a minute, man.
Watch your hand back there, boy.
You don't want them to get you.
Look at you. You got grown.
How your parents
make a kid this big, man?
- His parents are like 5'2" apiece.
- Really?
STOOP: You're taking
that P9OX serious, huh?
(LAUGHS) Twice a week.
I see. Look at the size of your neck.
Let me introduce you. This is Flint.
What up?
Lady Jaye.
Lady Jaye. Hey.
- Welcome back.
- Thank you.
It's what happens
when you're in trouble, you come home.
Home is where the help is.
Amen.
Well, we got you.
Set up at the rec centre.
Lay low over there.
Nobody gonna bother you.
As far as wheels go,
I'm gonna let you roll my truck.
Thank you.
I got payments on that truck, man.
I don't get it like I used to. All right?
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Stoop.
I owe you one, brother.
Actually, you owe me two.
- That other one don't count.
(SCOFFS)
Welcome home, Marvin.
(DOOR OPENING)
Watch your step.
No one's been here for years.
This is gonna have to be our pit for now.
(JAYE WHISTLES)
Wow. It's an actual pit.
It's my old stomping ground.
FLINT: Are you sure
we can trust this Stoop guy?
- Stoop's no angel.
(COUGHS)
But he is family and we can trust him.
Can we be traced?
We can mask our IP addresses.
I'll cyber-blast an encoded beacon
every six hours.
If any Joes did survive,
we need to let them know
where we're at.
All right. Well, let's get to work.
Flint, inventory every piece
of equipment we got left.
Jaye, start that database
on our President.
We'll find out what's going on
with our Commander-in-Chief.
He's not acting like the man we know.
We find out why,
we can start being soldiers again.
(STORM SHADOW GROANING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(RADIO BEEPING)
Lieutenant Lady Jaye,
requesting immediate aid.
If any Joes have survived...
This channel's restricted to Joes,
isn't it?
...magnetic west of the Potomac.
They're alive.
This is Lieutenant Lady Jaye
requesting immediate aid.
JINX: Lieutenant Lady Jaye,
this is Jinx and Snake Eyes.
We are in pursuit of Storm Shadow.
Even if Snake Eyes and Jinx
grab Storm,
they're still halfway around the world.
We're on our own.
Enough for a battle.
Not a war.
We're fighting uphill here.
I came here when I was 14
with a life expectancy of 13.
I was bounced around
from home to home, until this
became my home.
Guys were lined up
outside that door to fight me.
They whooped my skinny ass so much
I started to enjoy it.
Till one winter,
I grew 8 inches and gained 60 pounds.
I punched a guy so hard
he couldn't move his arm to tap out.
Then when the Joes
came recruiting to the hood,
I'd already beaten down half of it.
I became a Joe to serve. In the field.
So if we're fighting uphill,
we take the hill.
JAYE: Hey, I got something
you'll want to see.
During my check of the President,
look what I found.
This is the President on August 9th.
PRESIDENT: ...an addiction
to offshore energy,
where we 're forced to be
kind of embroiled
in the affairs of foreign nations.
And this is 10 days later.
I mean, otherwise, we're sort of...
These are conversational fillers.
Little phrases
we spit out to give our brain
a chance to catch up
with our mouth. Like...
- Like.
- Yes.
ROADBLOCK: And our President?
Between August 9th and August 19th,
he stopped using
"you know" and "kind of"
and started using "I mean" and "sort of".
But that's not all.
"Supper" became "dinner".
"Soda" became "pop".
One President, two fingerprints.
But it's a few words, right?
I mean, how much can...
Check this out.
Two press conferences,
July 31st, September 1st.
See his fingers clasped?
Left thumb on top
versus right thumb on top.
The same person
never does this differently,
it feels wrong.
What if the President
isn't the President?
Look, if the Commander-in-Chief
is an imposter
and he's the one that ordered the attack,
we have to assume
that there's no one we can trust.
There is one man.
He's the reason we call ourselves Joes.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(MAN TALKING ON TV)
Hello?
I'll take two cases of Thin Mints
and a box of Chuckle Lucks.
Lower your weapons.
General Colton, if I may...
Shut your mouth, Brenda.
My name's not Brenda.
How'd you get in?
Sir, apologies.
- Sergeant Marvin...
- I know who you are.
Then you know why I'm here.
JOE: It's not like
I don't hear what you're saying.
But an imposter President?
How come when the General says it,
it sounds crazy?
What'd they do with the real President?
We fear he's dead.
I don't think so.
You're not going to kill your best asset.
"Conrad Hauser. Duke."
Your captain.
Tell me one thing you know about him.
Great soldier.
Better friend.
And he saved my life, sir.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Good.
What you're proposing is treason.
I'm gonna need something
a little more to go on
than overlapping thumbs.
JAYE: Before you retired,
you sewed on a security commission
with the President's Chief of Staff.
General Colton, can you get us close?
Negative.
I can't scratch my ass in this town
without getting on the watch list.
Brenda, hand me that pen.
Girl Scout to secretary.
Amazing. Name's not Brenda.
It's just a pen.
Avenue K, Georgetown. 9:00 p.m.
There's a poker game
with the Chief of Staff there.
He's not a good poker player.
He's got 1,000 tells.
We only need one.
CHIEF OF STAFF: Hey, hon.
Just got out of poker. Poorer but wiser.
(SIGHS) It was a good day, actually.
The Prez was taking
his crazy pills again.
Baby, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Yeah.
Love you.
(JAYE SIGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON EARPHONES)
Excuse me.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You need a hand with your bags?
Sure.
No problem. There you go.
Thank you.
Who said chivalry is dead, right?
Chivalry.
Talk like that,
I'm gonna get myself in trouble.
Where we heading?
Just right around the corner.
(HORN HONKS)
(SHOUTS)
(GRUNTS)
That tingly feeling is amobarbital.
It's a sedative that causes
anterograde amnesia.
In five minutes, you're gonna be asleep.
In another five, you're gonna wake up
with no idea I ever existed.
Notice anything strange
about your boss?
Maybe. Why?
'Cause you're gonna make
a phone call for us. Get us close to him.
But don't worry.
You're gonna forget everything,
so your conscience will be clear.
Why are you doing this?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Make the call.
(WIND BLOWING)
(GUARDS SCREAMING)
(METAL CLINKS)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(BLADES SWISHING)
(EXHALES)
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
(YELLING)
(YELLING)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
(SHOUTING)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GAS HISSES)
(CHOKING)
(SIGHS)
(MEN SHOUTING)
(BELL RINGING)
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING)
(ALL YELLING)
(JINX GRUNTS)
(STRAINING)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(STRAINING)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
(NINJAS YELL)
(SCREAMING)
Thank God.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
JAMES CARVILLE: El Presidente is on a roll.
His numbers are up.
And I'm not just talking about his age.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Now, I'm not gonna call
our Commander-in-Chief old.
Actually, he called me the other day
for some advice.
MAN: - Good evening.
- Good evening.
He wanted to hook up
the nation's nuclear arsenal
to the Clapper.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(APPLAUSE)
I'm sorry, ma'am, you're...
Late, I know.
Imagine the army it takes
to make me look like this.
Forgive me.
That's an army I'd like to enlist in.
Speaking of lists,
would you like to explain
why you're not on ours?
MAN: Here she is. Chief of Staff.
Enjoy your evening, Miss Vandervoort.
JAYE: I'm in.
Roger that. Standing by.
Jaye?
You keep your head down. Be safe.
ZARTAN: Mr Carville was
nice enough to mention
one of my passions.
Nuclear disarmament.
In just days,
the leaders of the world's
eight nuclear nations
will gather at historic Fort Sumter
for a nuclear summit.
But before the Atomic Eight
break bread,
it's our turn.
Thank you, James. Thank you so much.
Mr President.
Amy Vandervoort, Fox News.
Oh, Fox, of course.
That's why you look so
"fair and balanced."
(BOTH LAUGH)
Very cute.
But I was actually hoping to have a...
Dance?
- I was going to say, quote.
- Ah.
Okay, here's a quote.
The world will change
after my nuclear summit.
How about we dance?
JAYE: I really, I don't dance.
Sorry.
Thank you, Mr President.
You gave me what I need.
But I really have to make my deadline.
- It's been a pleasure.
(LAUGHS) - Thank you.
How are you?
Good, sir.
JAYE: I got a strand of hair
from his jacket. I hope it's enough.
Come on.
FLINT: Copy that.
Standing by for I.D.
All units, setting condition orange.
Stand by.
ZARTAN: I don't take no for an answer.
Almost there.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Zartan?
Jaye, get out of there now.
Oh, my God.
We have an unauthorised I.D.
She's a Joe.
We have a Joe on the premises.
Jaye.
Jaye, now.
I'm out.
Plan B, rendezvous Bravo.
Negative.
Proceed to rendezvous Charlie.
Charlie.
What's that supposed to mean?
Sorry, Jaye.
I got it from here.
Don't.
We have proof.
We're taking it to Joe Colton.
You planned this all along.
Block, stand down.
We ain't lawyers. We're soldiers.
I told you I was gonna
find the man who did this.
I was gonna kill him.
No! That's... No. Negative!
Block. Block.
Damn it!
One in the chamber.
Block? Block, where are you?
(GRUNTS)
(TYRES SQUEAL)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
I want to see that face.
(GROANING)
The one where you realise
today's the day.
It's the face all those pretty little Joes
had in the desert
when I lit them all up like fireworks!
(GRUNTS)
I really want to see that face.
There it is.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(GASPING)
BLIND MASTER: If Cobra and Zartan
are in the White House,
then the world is at stake.
Storm Shadow.
You will tell us Cobra's endgame,
or die
by the same sword you once
used to kill our master.
Your sword,
given to you
by our beloved Hard Master.
Do you deny that your envy and hatred
drove you to shed
the Hard Master's blood?
STORM SHADOW: It's possible
to feel so much hate
you stop feeling it at all.
Like a fish not knowing it's in water.
But my path was chosen for me
by my enemy
who framed me
for killing the Hard Master.
And my friends
who believed it.
Why defend yourself to men
too blind to see?
That is the Hard Master's blood.
But that is not...
(YELLS)
Wait!
...my sword.
Arashikage steel does not break.
I have asked myself over and over
who despised me enough
to destroy my life?
BLIND MASTER: I am sorry,
Storm Shadow.
But who would stand to gain the most
by framing you for this crime?
Your young adversary
who chased you away?
Or the man into whose arms
you were chased.
Someone who welcomed you,
showed you kindness.
STORM SHADOW: He needed me.
For who I would become.
A warrior of great skill and anger.
The man who betrayed me
was capable of great ingenuity,
violence,
but most of all,
disguise.
Zartan.
BLIND MASTER: Yes.
Tell us what he and Cobra have planned
so we can destroy our common enemy
together.
Try to hold still.
(DOOR OPENING)
You want to remind me how knuckles
are supposed to strike again?
Together.
Those were your words.
- I had a shot and I took it.
- Now, don't give me that!
You went rogue.
And I'd do it again.
Yeah? And what was
your big plan, then, huh?
You get yourself killed?
Jesus Christ. I listened to everything
you said over and over again.
I never questioned...
I wasn't going to bury any more Joes.
I've got guns to clean.
Hey.
Help me out here?
Thanks.
If my dad could see me now...
What are you talking about?
He wouldn't believe it.
Why?
Third generation military.
Desperately wanted a fourth, and
my mom had me.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, he must be
real proud of you, then.
JAYE: He didn't believe
in female soldiers.
I finally asked him why. He said
he didn't want to put his life
in the hands of a woman.
I enlisted the next day.
Spent the next seven years
trying to outrank him
so he'd have to salute me.
Did it work?
He died before I got the chance.
I'm sorry.
I'm actually gonna miss the red.
You look real nice.
Hey. I said we got guns to clean.
The world ain't saving itself.
That was for the tax hike.
Like you pay taxes.
Ain't always about me.
ZARTAN: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
We still need the man.
Besides, we've grown close.
Is Storm Shadow in?
Don't you worry about him.
He'll be more than ready.
I'm not too impressed with your Cabinet.
(CHUCKLING) No confirmation
hearings, that's what you get.
COBRA COMMANDER: Enough!
I'll take it from here.
He who controls this briefcase,
controls the U.S. nuclear arsenal
and the fate of humanity.
Open your eyes, Mr Ex-President.
FIREFLY: The eyes are
the windows to the soul.
(STRAINING)
Open up.
COBRA COMMANDER: Zeus is ready.
We just need
one final piece of the puzzle.
FIREFLY: Well done. (CHUCKLES)
History will stand in judgment.
Not of me. Of you.
(LAUGHS)
What do we got, Jaye?
Zartan's entire focus
has been this nuclear summit.
It has to be the key
to whatever he's planning.
All right. Well, then that's our target.
Yeah.
Guys, move.
(COCKING GUN)
(GRUNTING)
I think I'm faster than you, Snake Eyes.
Damn Ninjas.
(CHUCKLES)
Good to see you, brother.
Jaye.
Jinx.
FLINT: Back up.
He's with us.
I am not with you.
But for this once,
I am not against you.
How many of our men has he killed?
We're supposed to fight with him?
The leaders of the world
will gather tomorrow. It's a trap.
Storm is the only one
who knows Cobra's plan
inside and out.
He can help us find a way to stop it.
But we have to work together.
ROADBLOCK: All right.
Let's move.
Merry Christmas.
Makes you wonder
about your neighbours.
Nice.
Open up that couch.
Anything?
I brought my own.
Nice.
Yeah, that'll work.
Hey.
That one's mine.
This really is Patton's gun, isn't it?
Gift from his family.
What an honour.
You bet.
I was actually thinking about
something a little more your size.
Try not to scratch her up.
Idles a little rough in neutral.
I ain't gonna be in neutral.
Hoo-ah.
What about you?
DOD says
I can't come out of retirement.
They didn't say anything
about reenlisting.
Reporting for duty, Sergeant Major.
I'd like to bring a couple friends of mine.
ROADBLOCK: Colton's team,
it's our honour.
You guys take the perimeter.
Flint, Jaye, Snake,
you guys take the flank.
Jinx and Storm, Trojan Horse.
Zartan will be holding the briefcase.
Storm will be the closest man to him.
But he can't move
until we're all in position.
Everyone keep your eye on the prize.
We secure the football,
we secure the world.
Snake, how's all that sound?
That's what I thought.
FLINT: Okay, wait. Hold on a second.
We still have enemy armour
here, here, and here.
Right?
These tanks survive, we don't.
Leave the tanks to me.
General?
Call me Joe.
- Anything I missed?
- No.
Rock solid. My orders?
The President.
- Brenda's with my team.
- Roger that.
Does Brenda get a vote?
ROADBLOCK: Negative.
You need a pen?
I need your help.
ROADBLOCK: All right.
Let's kick that ass! Hoo-ah!
ALL: Hoo-ah!
REPORTER 1: A historic day for
the President of the United States
as he meets with...
REPORTER 2: This afternoon, the
President is meeting with the leaders
of the eight nuclear powers.
REPORTER 3: Never before
has a President been so bold
to call the leaders
of the world together...
REPORTER 4: These are
unprecedented nuclear talks
that most believed would never happen.
REPORTER 5: You can bet security is
at its highest...
REPORTER 6: We may be closer
to a nuclear-free world
than we have ever been.
ZARTAN: My fellow world leaders,
welcome to the hallowed grounds
of Fort Sumter,
whose proud walls saw the first shots
in our nation's grievous Civil War.
Here, men rushed through the breach
in a madness.
What better place to step back
from that same breach.
Renounce our darker natures.
Forgive our staunchest foes.
This site is symbolic.
Not only for the peace
we seek to achieve,
but the conflagration we seek to avoid.
The Cobras who protect us today
are dedicated to the belief
that there is no greater peace
than peace of mind.
- Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
RUSSIAN LEADER: I'll say it again.
The world is safer
with a nuclear presence.
I'm sure your electorate will be happy
by our final proposal.
50% reduction by 2016.
There are a lot of leaders in this room.
But only one leader of the free world.
And he,
I, stay with me,
asked you here with the goal
of universal disarmament.
Nuclear zero.
Now, I was prepared
to cajole to get what I want.
I'm now at threaten.
Each of you will clear out
his nuclear closet immediately.
Failure to participate
will be considered an act of war.
You're joking, of course.
This summit is over.
ZARTAN: Then this is it.
This is it, boys.
This country is at war.
With you and you and you
and you and you and you.
JOE 1: Delta team in position.
Echo, you're a go.
JOE 2: This is Echo. Beginning assault.
ZARTAN: The U.S. nuclear arsenal
is capable of destroying
each of your countries 14 times over.
Fifteen, in the case of North Korea,
just to be sure.
And all
(BEEPING)
at the push
of a button.
(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)
ZARTAN: It's true. Yeah!
Yeah, I pressed it.
You have lost your mind!
It's all relative.
You got three minutes to decide.
MAN 1: You got next watch?
MAN 2: Maintain radio silence.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(INDISTINCT CLAMOURING)
We cannot, we will not leave
a legacy of acquiescence!
- Bring the briefcase.
(SPEAKING KOREAN)
FRENCH LEADER: Don't do this!
There can be no winners!
Ooh. High score.
Let history record
who was responsible for this madness.
Launch.
(SPEAKING HINDI)
(SPEAKS KOREAN)
Launch.
(SOLDIER GRUNTS)
Eyes on the Emerald City.
Jaye and Colton,
you're a go for POTUS.
You all right?
Yeah. You all right?
My cholesterol's a little high.
JAYE: Jaye and General Colton.
Checkpoint neutralised.
You're on your own.
(RAPID BEEPING ON MONITORS)
Well, the good news is,
no global warming summit next month.
Unless
one of us cared enough
about his place in history
to unilaterally disable his warheads.
Hmm?
You know, in the name of the children.
Any volunteers?
No? Fine.
Me.
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Call your people to confirm.
You're a complete lunatic.
Says the man about to destroy Asia.
Come on,
who's going to follow suit, huh?
Are you really going to stand by
and watch as Earth is destroyed?
Abort!
(SPEAKING HINDI)
I figured North Korea for last.
(EXCLAIMS)
(DEVICE BUZZES)
Got to love the little guy.
Gentlemen.
Welcome to a nuclear-free world.
I want to direct your attention
to live images of your homelands.
Now, you're looking
at an advanced weapons system
we call Project Zeus.
There are seven Zeus satellites
orbiting Earth.
Each satellite contains
10 hollow platinum tubes
filled with a tungsten rod.
Zeus satellite 1-A approaching London.
Ordnance live and loaded.
Awaiting drop authorisation.
Now, to direct a rod to its target,
we don't launch it or fire it.
COBRA COMMANDER: We drop it!
Gravity does the rest.
Observe.
Satellite 1-A.
We have remote launch authorisation.
MAN: Three, two, one,
drop.
A rod touches down
eight times faster than a bullet.
And with a force significantly greater
than a nuclear warhead.
None of the fallout.
All of the fun.
(ALL GASPING)
(EXCLAIMS IN HINDI)
FRENCH LEADER: You will have to
answer for this.
To your Congress, your courts.
Correction,
they will have to answer to me.
What is it you want?
I want it all.
The Cobra revolution has begun.
By pressing that button,
Zartan initiated an auto-drop sequence.
My Zeus satellites
are moving into position
over your six remaining countries.
Satellites 2-A through 7-A
en route to targets.
The same button that begins this
can end it.
But I only press it for a price.
Total allegiance.
(YELLS)
(ALL SHOUTING)
JINX: Block, secure the perimeter!
(GROANS)
Get the control case from Zartan.
I'm going to drop them all.
Head to the door! Go, go, go!
Satellites en route to targets.
Beginning command protocols.
MAN: Follow that ground team! Go!
Stay.
MAN: On your six, Cobra two!
Cobra one, Cobra one,
I need eyes on! Eyes on!
(GRUNTS)
(GUN CLICKING)
Damn it.
(PANTING)
SOLDIER: We've got her cornered.
She ain't going anywhere.
(BOTH GROANING)
JINX: Go!
ZARTAN: Storm.
I never figured you for a Joe.
I'm very disappointed in you.
You're a bitch to hit.
(NINJA YELLING)
Traitor.
Storm.
You know, this sword
was never intended
for anyone
with anger management issues.
(LAUGHING)
Boom!
(SILENCED GUNSHOT)
- What was that?
- Shut up.
- Ray?
- Yes, sir.
Check the door. Give me a sit rep.
I'm on it.
(DOOR OPENING)
You two secure the entrance.
(GUN FIRING)
- What are you doing?
- Let's go. We're out of here.
Stand down. I'm gonna shoot him!
I said stand down!
Be a good G.I. Joe and drop the gun.
We're walking out of here.
I will shoot him in the head.
Do you understand me?
You're not listening, are you?
Put the gun down!
Drop it!
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
Easy, easy.
Put some pressure on it.
General Colton.
- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- Sorry, Mr President.
PRESIDENT: - No, it's fine.
Come on. Let's move.
Here we go.
Roadblock, POTUS secure.
No casualties.
ROADBLOCK: Roger that, Jaye.
You betrayed the Hard Master.
And made me what I am.
Yep.
Yeah, I can see that was wrong.
(BOTH GRUNT)
ROADBLOCK: We need eyes
on Firefly and Cobra ASAP.
(GRUNTS)
FLINT: Courtyard clear. No sign of him.
FIREFLY: Commander, I have the case.
We are still a go.
How long till drop?
On schedule, Commander.
Five minutes to live fire.
Final targeting to begin shortly.
Zeus satellites 4 and 7 in position.
Zeus satellites 2, 3, 5, and 6
are locked on target. France,
Russia, North Korea,
India, Israel, China.
Block.
Cobra Commander's bugging out.
No sign of Firefly.
ROADBLOCK: I've got him.
Targets acquired.
Ordnance live and loading.
Zeus 4 is ready to fire. Hatch is open.
(GROANING)
MAN 1: Get him!
MAN 2: Take him out!
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLES)
You want that case?
You're gonna have to come through me.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
MAN: All satellites have begun load
for final countdown.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
MAN: Launch codes confirmed.
Ten seconds to live fire.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven. Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
Threat terminated.
Team Bravo, perimeter has been
cleared and secured.
(WIND WHISTLING)
MAN: Joe Command to
covert operations.
We have control of the perimeter.
Medical personnel are on the scene.
All Joes are accounted for.
We're going home.
REPORTER 1: The President is
back safe in the Oval Office today,
presiding over a ceremony
honouring the G. I. Joes.
REPORTER 2: With the world
back in order,
rebuilding has begun around the world.
PRESIDENT: Those
who stand beside us,
the world knows them as Joes.
We know them as heroes.
(APPLAUSE)
Jinx.
Welcome to the Joes.
Flint.
Great job.
Captain Jaye Burnett.
I sewed with your father.
He'd be very proud of you.
MILITARY OFFICIAL: Ladies and
gentlemen, the G.I. Joes.
Hey.
For when you find Cobra Commander.
Where can we find you, General?
Just need my orders.
You know, we'd make a hell of a team.
(CHUCKLES)