Gabriel Iglesias: I'm Sorry for What I Said When I Was Hungry (2016) Movie Script

[audience chanting]
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
[chanting continues]
Give it up and make some noise
for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias!
-[song playing]
-[audience cheering]
[song continues]
[song fades]
About time we do a special here.
[audience cheering]
Before I say anything else, you guys,
a big hand for my friend,
the man, the myth, the legend.
Give it up for Martin!
The two guys you see standing next to him
are two of my oldest friends.
Not only are they friends,
they work for me.
Thats Ivan and Tony.
Give Ivan and Tony a lot of love.
In addition to that--
This is so special right here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
handing me the microphone tonight
is the NFLs Coach of the Year...
and a former member
of the baddest football team that ever...
[audience cheering]
stepped on a field,
the 1985 Chicago Bears.
Coach Ron Rivera!
Thank you.
Thank you.
I gotta do it one time.
Da Bears.
Whoo! [laughs]
I am super excited, you guys.
Let me tell you.
This is our 19th year
coming to Chicago, okay? Nineteen years.
The first time I came here,
I got a chance to meet some people,
and they says, Gabriel,
have you ever been to Chicago?
No, its my first time.
Wed like to take you out to eat
if youre down.
And Im like, Well, hello.
I am very down.
They took me to a restaurant
called Portillos.
[audience cheering]
You heard of it?
So we get there, and it was very good.
The hot dogs were delicious.
I had a chicken chopped salad.
It was amazing.
Had a beef dip. Really good.
But it wasnt until the meal
was almost over
that these new friends of mine said,
Wed like you to try something
you might not have ever had before.
Im like, Thats not likely.
I said, What is it you want me to try?
They sell a thing at Portillos
called a chocolate cake shake.
[audience cheering]
I said, You had me at chocolate.
They said, You gotta go up to the window
and order it from the lady.
So I get up and walk over to the lady.
Shes like, Can I help you?
I say, My friends are telling me
that I need to try this thing
called a chocolate cake shake.
Okay. What size would you like?
How good is it? You want a large.
All right. Can I please have
a large chocolate cake shake?
No problem. [imitating beeping]
I pay, and she turns around.
She turns around and walks over
to this refrigerator on the counter.
She opens it up, and she pulls out
a piece of chocolate cake.
Im thinking to myself,
She mustve misunderstood what I said.
I didnt ask for
a piece of chocolate cake.
I asked for a chocolate cake shake.
She must've heard what I was thinking,
cause shes walking by, like,
Its gonna happen.
She walks over to the blender,
she takes the freaking lid off,
and she just looks at me and does this.
And I was like, No!
And shes like, Oh, yeah.
[imitating blender whirring]
She pours it and she hands me
this 44-ounce chocolate shake...
which is way more
than anybody should be drinking.
The straw was so thick,
you could almost fit your thumb in it.
So I grab the shake,
and I begin to attempt to drink it.
So Im-- Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
And I can see the shake coming up.
Mmm. Mmm.
And it hit, and then all of a sudden--
Hell, you guys even have taco trucks.
Now for anyone wondering
about taco trucks,
let me just let you know right now.
That is real good Mexican food.
I dont want you being concerned, like,
No, theres wheels
under that restaurant.
Well, sometimes
we dont have a permit, okay?
But it doesnt mean the food is not good.
For me to know Im gonna have
a good experience at a taco truck,
I always research.
I look to see whos running the truck.
For me to know Im gonna have a good time,
I wanna make sure
that its an all-female crew.
Not to sound sexist. Its just that
when its all women running the truck,
they make me feel good about myself.
They make me feel special.
When I walk up at one oclock
in the morning, and I have a buzz,
they make me feel good.
[imitates knocking] Hello?
They come to the window.
Hola, mi gordito. Cmo ests?
Cmo est ese gordito chulito?
Ese gordito. Qu bonito.
A ver. A ver. Ojitos. Ojitos.
I feel like a kid.
Im like, Can I have a taco?
Whatever you want, mi hijito.
A taquito for you.
Now, when its an all Mexican male crew
running the truck--
Its late. Theyre tired. Theyre bitter.
Customer service isnt our strongest point
at one oclock in the morning.
Then you gotta deal
with a drunk knucklehead like me.
[imitates knocking] Hello?
They come to the window.
Qu chingados quieres, pinche gordo?
What you want? What you want?
Hey, whats up, bro? Can I have a taco?
Okay. What else?
Thats it.
[clicks tongue] Aah!
Thats not even a word!
But you know
exactly what he just told you.
For some reason, Mexican people,
and only Mexican people,
have this sound that comes out of us
that can just discredit
anything you put in front of it.
It doesnt matter what it is.
We can kill it with that sound.
I just graduated from college,
top of my class.
[clicks tongue] Aah!
Fine, Ill work at Burger King.
Papi, this is my fianc. He loves me.
[clicks tongue] Aah!
Fine, Ill be a whore.
And speaking of whores,
let me tell you where they put us up at.
Thats a bad segue.
No. Theres no whores at this hotel.
I would like to personally thank
the promoters
for not only making this special happen,
but for taking really good care of us.
They put us at a hotel
right across the street.
And you know,
you know when youre in a good hotel
when you get inside of the elevator,
and it talks.
Its one of those.
[imitates beep]
[female voice] First floor.
[imitates beep] Second floor.
[imitates beep] Third floor.
Im like, Man, she sounds hot.
[imitates beep]
[female voice] Fourth floor. Mmmm.
[imitates beep] Fifth floor. Oh, yeah.
Martin asked me, How far you going up?
I said, All the way.
I gotta see how this ends.
You know what Im saying?
[laughs] Oh, man.
And by the way,
since the last time we were here,
Ive had a few things change in my life.
Some things happened that were so crazy
that I couldnt even believe
it was a possibility.
First thing that happened was,
I had my first ever celebrity death hoax.
Meaning that someone faked my death
on the Internet, and it went viral.
Someone wrote an amazing article
that was read by over 30 million people
that was so good, even I was like,
Oh, my God. I was so nice.
TMZ reported it for 30 minutes,
until they called my publicist
and confirmed that I was still alive.
The article said
that I had died October 31
from complications of Type II diabetes.
And Im thinking to myself,
Thats a hell of a day
to kill a diabetic.
You know what I mean? Thats like
killing Santa on Christmas Eve.
Thirty million people read this article.
No one thought to call me.
Except Martin.
-[audience cheering]
-Thats right.
Martin was the only one that called me.
And I think that was just to verify
that he still had employment.
I got that phone call.
[imitates phone ringing, line connecting]
Hello? Martin was like, Hey.
You dead?
No, man. Im good.
I figured. You wouldve texted me.
[imitates line disconnecting]
And I would have,
cause thats the kind of friend I am.
I even asked my son, Frankie.
I said, Frankie, did you hear I died?
Thats what they meant.
What do you mean,
Thats what they meant?
My friends were asking if you were okay.
Whatd you tell them?
I hadnt seen you.
So apparently I died.
Welcome back.
And thats another thing thats changed.
My son, Frankie, is now 18 years old.
[audience cheering]
And one week away from graduation.
[cheering continues]
You guys are clapping,
but hes not leaving.
I asked him. Frankie,
what do you want to do with your life?
Have you thought about college?
Just now.
Im like, Frankie, you do realize
that all you need to do is get accepted.
I tell a lot of jokes. I will pay
for your entire college education,
no matter where you want to go.
[audience cheering]
As long as you get accepted.
What do you think about that?
I say, You want to go to school
in California, well make it happen.
You want to go out of state,
well make it happen.
Hell, Ill even do
one of those international programs.
The ones where you give them
one of your children
and they give you one of their children.
-What is it called when you kid-swap?
-[audience] Exchange.
Thank you. Sorry.
Thats right. Exchange.
Some of you were like,
Thats called human trafficking.
Different program.
I would love to do an exchange program
with my son.
But dont give me a regular kid.
If Im gonna do an exchange program,
give me a kid from a hard-core
third world country,
so he appreciates all the basic things
most American children take for granted.
Thats why I say give me little Tombutu.
Give me Tombutu. I would love Tombutu,
and Tombutu would love me.
Mister Fluffy? Yes, Tombutu?
I was wondering,
what time do we go to sleep?
You go to sleep whenever you like.
This is your room.
We sleep next door.
All of this is for Tombutu?
Yes, all of this is for Tombutu.
In my village, two families sleep
in an area this big.
Well, here in America,
one big-ass Mexican kid sleeps right here.
Then I would take him to IHOP or Dennys
and let him order whatever he wants
and just watch him lose it.
This is the Thanksgiving I heard of!
Thank you, Mr. Fluffy! Thank you!
If there is anything Tombutu can do
for you, please tell me. Anything.
Can you help me take out the trash?
For you, I will eat the trash.
Meanwhile, my sons on the other side
of the world,
on top of an elephant,
trying to get Wi-Fi.
I love my son very much, you guys.
Its just that sometimes he doesnt get
the position hes in.
He doesnt realize it.
Which is why I love it
whenever he brings his friends over.
He brings his friends over the house,
and theyre constantly saying
what Im saying.
And as a parent,
anytime you tell your kids something,
thats one thing.
When you can get their friends to say
what you say, you cant pay for that.
And theyre always doing it.
Frankie, youre lucky, man.
Your dads trying to help you
go to college.
My dad wants me to get a job.
Frankie, youre lucky, man.
Your dads trying to give you a car.
My dad doesnt even trust me to walk.
Youre lucky, man.
And I hear this, and Im like,
I love these kids.
Because my son is very numb
to this situation.
Hes very numb to all of you,
and hes very numb to Fluffy.
Okay, he doesnt see Fluffy.
He sees Dad! Dad!
Im Dad. Im the guy that tells him
clean your room,
take a shower and put on deodorant,
which he does very well now!
But you guys saw what I had to do
to make that happen.
His friends, on the other hand,
they still get excited when they see me.
They still geek out.
I walk into the living room.
Theyre all sitting there.
Frankie sees me. Hey, Dad.
His friends see me, they see this.
[imitating chorus singing]
With, like, doves.
[imitates wings flapping]
Can you imagine if every time
you walked into a room, that happened?
Hes here.
[imitating chorus singing]
[imitates wings flapping]
Ladies, imagine if your partner
could do that for you. Huh?
Its your anniversary, a celebration,
some magical moment,
or youre just laying there
and youre drunk.
And youre just like, What are you gonna
do to me? What are you gonna do?
[imitating chorus singing]
[imitates wings flapping]
One extra dove. [imitates wings flapping]
And by the way, guys,
if youre ever able to pull off the doves,
just leave it at that.
Dont try to top the doves.
Its very hard to top the doves.
Dont start running your mouth
and talking smack.
Shes laying there. Dont start:
You dont know whats gonna happen
to you. Youre gonna get it.
Dont do that. Cause ladies,
all you have to do is look at him and go,
[clicks tongue] Aah!
Anyways, back to my sons friends.
So my son has two friends
that come to the house all the time.
One friend, his name is Ken.
Works a lot with computers.
The other friend, his name is Fabian.
He wants to be a police officer.
Both of these kids are really good.
Now I keep calling everyone kids,
even though theyre all 18.
But to me, theyre kids. Im almost 40.
Im like, Uh, you know?
Some of the conversations we have
are very adult-like.
And the other conversations, Im like,
What am I doing with my life?
For example, at home--
At home, when Im hanging out,
I usually just wear very similar to now,
except the Hawaiian shirt.
I usually wear a T-shirt
that has Star Wars or Marvel Comics
or Transformers on it.
Cartoons. I like wearing stuff like that
around the house.
One day, Im wearing a T-shirt
that has The Avengers on the front.
[audience cheering]
Yeah. And I walk into the living room,
and my sons friend Fabian
sees me wearing the shirt.
So he starts pointing.
Im like, Whats up, dude?
He goes-- [inhales] Weak.
Scuse me?
And then he says, DCs better.
What did you say?
DCs better.
Im like, DCs okay. Obama lives there.
They pass laws.
They got hotels, historic museums.
Its not a real state. I dont know
why youre getting cray-cray.
He goes, No, fool! DC Comics!
Im like, Hey, man.
Im almost 40. I dont care.
Its just a really cool shirt. I like it.
It fits... No big deal.
Thats cause they are.
You need to relax.
Theyre the best.
You need to chill.
And in my head, Im like,
why am I having this conversation?
I have better things to do,
like trying to get my son on an elephant,
but no.
The kid in me is, Why are they best?
He points at the shirt again.
Iron Man sucks. Batmans number one.
I go, Why? Cause he is.
I go, Thats not an argument.
First of all,
Batmans not the best superhero.
I hate to break it to you. Hes not.
[person cheering]
I can hear people getting ready to boo.
Oh, no, Fluffy. Dont go there.
Dont go there, Fluffy. Dont do it.
Yes, Im gonna do this. Watch this.
Batmans not the best superhero.
Batman is the creepiest superhero.
Batman is the creepiest superhero
that has ever lived.
He even sounds creepy.
[imitates whooshing]
[deep voice] Im Batman.
[imitates whooshing] Im Batman.
You dont recognize that voice?
[deep voice] Want some candy?
[imitates whooshing]
Help me find my puppy.
Hello? He only comes out
at night. His face is always covered up.
Hes always waiting in alleys.
And who does he talk to?
A guy named Joker, a guy named Riddler.
His name is Batman.
Joker, Riddler, Batman.
Joker, Riddler, Batman.
Those are Mexican gang member names.
Can you imagine if that was
Batmans real identity?
At night. [imitates whooshing]
Im Batman.
During the day. [imitates whooshing]
No, chingue su madre, soy Batman, loco--
Todo el pinche da aqu trabajando
y luego le parta la madre Joker--
Im Batman.
I said, All right, Fabian,
Mr. Batmans The Best.
Based on my T-shirt--
My T-shirt says Marvel Comics.
I see Thor, I see Captain America,
I see Iron Man.
Who are some of the superheroes
that DC Comics has
that makes them better than Marvel? Go.
Batman. You said that.
Superman. Thats a good one.
Wonder Woman. Okay.
Green Lantern. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I said, I know the other superheroes,
but Green Lantern?
Whats his power?
He wears a ring,
and the ring gives him power.
I said, Thats a fantasy.
I dont know any man who wears a ring
who has power.
And if youre not clapping right now,
my point exactly.
You cant clap, can you? You cant.
You know why you cant clap?
Cause youre sitting next to Kryptonite.
Hes not even clapping.
Hes like, No, no, no, no.
No. Me pega Wonder Woman. No, no.
Listen, Im not gonna lie.
Sometimes-- Sometimes I feel just a pinch,
a pinch like a superhero,
in the sense that Im able to walk out
in front of large groups of people,
change peoples moods, make people smile,
make people laugh,
make people feel a little bit better.
-[audience cheering]
By that same token, like any superhero,
I have my weaknesses too.
I come out here and I make you happy.
And then I go home.
And I piss off one person.
Cause she dont want to hear about this.
She doesnt want to hear about you guys.
I cant go home and brag.
Baby, it was crazy in Chicago.
Thats nice. Take out the trash.
But they were clapping
and chanting my name.
Oh, is that gonna help? Okay.
[chanting] Take out the trash!
Take out the trash!
Take out the trash! Take out the trash!
But they told me they loved me!
[clicks tongue] Aah!
[audience cheering]
[audience chanting]
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
Oh, my God.
Do you guys have any idea
how hard its gonna be
to go home and take out the trash now?
Thank you. [laughs]
Oh, my God. This is awesome!
I hear some of you too.
You guys okay over there?
[imitating coughing]
Thats a big compliment, by the way.
Anytime I hear people in the arena,
and theyre freaking-- [clearing throat]
That lets me know
Im making you laugh so much,
your own body is rejecting
the activity that youre participating in.
Your own lungs are telling you,
This is not good for you.
You need to leave.
But youre stubborn. Youre like,
No! The ticket was expensive!
Thats usually from guys.
From women, its a little bit different.
Anytime I hear women laughing so much
that they begin to snort.
Youre already laughing. That tells me
Im making you laugh so much,
Im causing you to inhale and exhale
at the same time,
forcing you to make that-- [snorts]
And if I hear a woman snort
more than two times,
that tells me
I made you pee just a little.
I love that.
You were pointing out the whole time.
Shes like, You asshole.
Thanks for having my back.
Another thing
that I now consider a compliment
is that from time to time,
I have people who are experiencing
their first ever comedy event,
and theyre not accustomed to laughing
for long periods of time.
And they get so excited
and so involved with the show,
that they forget.
They forget to do a very basic thing.
Called breathing!
Youd be amazed how many times
Ive seen this in the front row.
And they pass the hell out.
The messed-up part is
only I can see whats happening.
And-- And theyre usually, like,
Fluffy, do something.
Im, like-- Do something!
[imitating chorus singing]
[imitating wings flapping]
He woke up! Thank you!
I had a lady one time...
up in the balcony...
who laughed herself unconscious.
She went forward
and wound up hitting her head
on the rail that was in the aisle.
Now I couldnt see this
because Im onstage
and I had spotlights in my face.
It wasnt until after the show was over,
when Martin came back out onstage
and he took the microphone.
Then he tells me in my ear, Bro,
some lady just got hurt in the balcony.
The paramedics are here. They have her
in the lobby. Lets check on her.
Im like, Lets go.
So we go behind the curtain.
Security is waiting for us with the car.
So we jump in the car--
[imitates door closing, engine revving]
They raced us around
to the front of the building.
Now as soon as we get to the front,
we see an ambulance.
We start walking in.
And now-- Not to take anything away
from this serious moment,
because this really did happen.
Its a little bit funny
in the sense that...
my show just finished, and people
are now starting to leave the building.
They just saw me onstage a minute ago.
Now they see me walking in the front door.
You gotta see it through my eyes.
Hes big, but hes fast. I dont know
how he did that one. Thats pretty good.
I come in, and immediately I cut right,
to where the lady and the paramedics
are sitting on the steps to the balcony.
The lobby is starting to fill up
with people.
Im trying to get from point A
to point B without getting stopped.
So I started doing this,
and I know it's gonna look a little weird,
but it worked.
Are you okay? Are you all right?
People see me doing this,
and immediately theyre puzzled.
The way you looked at me now, like that.
And they did this.
What the hells he doing?
It made everybody take two steps back
and do like this.
It created a hole for me to get to them.
Then they see the paramedics,
and they realize what I was trying to do.
Everything was fine
till I got really close.
And then one of the paramedics
calls me out.
What are you doing to the lady?
I go, Listen, sir. The woman
obviously sustained a head injury.
Im giving her a chance to process
the fact that its really me.
And Im slowly...
getting closer to her.
I realize now
that Im in this incredible position
where I can no longer walk up
from behind someone at one of my shows
and go, Hey!
Why not? Cause then-- Clear!
Fluffy killed another one.
[imitates kick]
So finally the lady looks up.
She must have been 55, 60,
little Asian woman.
She sees me, and shes, like--
[breathing heavily]
You too funny.
You almost a-kill me!
I am so sorry. Are you okay?
Is there anything I could do
to make you feel better?
Yes, feel better.
I would like two T-shirt.
Im gonna get you two T-shirts.
And two DVD.
Im like, Youre not that hurt.
Get your ass over here.
So I stand her up, and immediately
one of the paramedics--
Hey. She hit her head.
She shouldnt be standing.
I said, Im the artist
performing here tonight.
I accept full responsibility
over this woman. I got her. Its cool.
Plus, shes tiny.
Were only walking ten feet
to the merchandise table. No big deal.
I say, Come on. I got you. Lets go.
As soon as we start walking,
she starts venting.
[breathing heavily]
Mr. Fluffy. You have no idea
kind of week I have.
My son, he marry this girl.
She no cook, no clean.
Move into my house.
Now I have to cook and clean for two.
Oh, some bullshit.
And Im like, Oh, my God.
Thats gonna happen to me.
Mr. Fluffy, I must apologize to you
because I do not know who you are
until today.
I have a friend who give me ticket.
She say, Susie, you stress so much.
You need to get out.
Husband win ticket in raffle.
Only have one ticket. You take it.
So I look at the ticket.
Ticket say, The Fluffy.
I dont know what comedy show is
because I never go comedy show.
I see Fluffy,
I think is musical like Cats.
I say, Okay. I go see Fluffy Cats.
So I come here early
so I can get the popcorn and the soda.
So I sit and I wait for Fluffy Cats.
Next thing I know, your friend Martin,
he walk out onstage with the big hair,
big goatee.
I say, Oh, ho, ho. This not Cats.
This not Cats.
This Lion King.
Thats a Mexican Mufasa.
And he start crack jokes.
I start laugh, laugh. I laugh.
Then you come out onstage. I cannot take.
I cant breathe. I black out.
And when I wake up, I have ice pack
on the head, blood in the eye,
and the two young white paramedics,
they both touch me right here.
They say, Are you okay?
Are you okay? Are you okay?
What did you tell them?
Ho-ho. Never better.
Susie never have two young white men
touch me right here, same time.
Oh, your show very special, Mr. Fluffy.
Very special.
You show like Make-A-Wish.
If I have a scar--
Youre gonna sue me.
No. No, no, no, no, no. No!
Not going to sue.
If I have a scar, and the friends ask me,
Hey. How you get scar?...
now I have great story to tell.
Im going to say-- [chuckles]
Two white men, same time.
While Mexican watch.
[mouths words]
I get her back to the paramedics.
The paramedics are like,
Shes a handful, huh?
Im like, Oh, yeah. Shes horny.
She likes you. Here you go.
As soon as I turn around,
all I see is a lobby full of people
and a bunch of cell phones.
Theres footage of what
I just told you out there.
Everybody was recording what happened.
What I thought was cool
is everybody waited for me to finish
with the lady and the paramedics.
All of a sudden, when I turned around--
[imitates whooshing]
People started coming up.
Some people wanted to shake my hand,
some people wanted to high-five.
One guy just wanted to hug me,
and he didnt say anything.
He just hugged me, just-- Are you okay?
[shaky breathing]
You sure? [shaky breathing] All right.
Couple of kids are looking at me, like--
And for me, I thought that was so cute,
because I recognized that twinkle.
Ive looked at someone like that before.
Ive been starstruck many, many times.
As a matter of fact, this past year,
I got to meet one of my childhood heroes.
I got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[scattered clapping, cheering]
Now some of you are clapping,
some of you are like, Wait, wait, wait.
Heres the thing.
I didnt love him as a politician,
and I was too young
to know him as a bodybuilder.
All I knew was
The Terminator was my favorite movie,
and he was the Terminator.
So, heres the story.
Im in LA, at this red carpet event
for some movie I still havent seen.
Im standing there
with my publicist, okay?
Im standing there with my publicist,
and shes explaining to me
how the red carpet works.
Listen, Gabriel.
This is whats gonna happen.
Youre gonna go down the red carpet,
and then the paparazzis gonna start
taking photos of you,
and then someones gonna
ask you some questions.
Its a lot of fun. Then well go inside,
and well go to the after-party.
Its gonna be great.
As shes telling me this,
Im looking around,
and I look over and I notice--
I see him. I see Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And I freak out.
[stammering, babbling]
Its Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Its Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Relax. Relax. Youve never met Arnie?
I said, No, Ive never met Arnie.
I work with him all the time.
Hes really nice.
Would you like me to introduce you?
Im like, Yes!
She takes me by the hand,
and she walks me directly to Arnold.
Im freaking out so bad.
I look like a big-ass toddler.
We get over
to Arnold Schwarzeneggers area.
Hes Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Hes already got a big group of people
around him, waiting to take a photo.
So Im just patiently waiting.
As Im watching him, you guys--
I gotta tell you right now.
No one on this planet is better at
meeting people than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He is the greatest people-meeter
Ive ever witnessed.
The reason I say this is because
when you meet him, hes very engaging.
He grabs your hand. He pulls you in.
He looks at you in the eyes
and he turns it on.
When you meet Arnold, you get
exactly what you think youre gonna get.
Its awesome to watch.
[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger]
How are you? So nice to meet you.
You so strong. You pump iron?
Ay! Look at you!
This is incredible,
got these lights and this red carpet.
Scuse me. How are you?
Ay! You so strong! You pump iron?
This is incredible. Look at you.
People are walking away from him,
looking at their hand.
Theyre looking at their hand, you guys.
Ten minutes Im watching
Arnold Schwarzenegger light people up.
Then I notice something else.
I notice that Arnold has a handler,
a guy who stands right behind him.
And its this guys job
to basically reset Arnold
for the next person hes about to meet.
Arnold Schwarzenegger will never cut off
a conversation with a fan.
The guy behind him listens in
on the conversation,
and he determines when enough is enough,
and then he signals Arnold
to cut it off and move on.
Heres the signal.
He grabs the back of Arnolds arm,
right there, two times. One, two.
That lets Arnold know: cut it off,
time to move on. Always to the left.
Awesome to watch.
This is incredible with these lights
and these special effects going on here.
Scuse me. How are you? Nice to meet you.
You so strong. Ay!
Im, like-- [gasps]
So I yell out to the handler, Hey!
And the handler turns around.
Hit him! I wanna meet him! Hit him!
And he starts laughing
because now he sees that I see
how the Terminator is really working.
So he gives me one of these.
Next thing you know,
he is lighting Arnold up.
He is hitting Arnold so fast,
Arnold can barely keep up.
Scuse me. Pardon me. How are you?
Scuse me. Pardon me.
High five. High five.
Scuse me. Hello. How are you?
Pound, pound, pound pound.
Hes coming down the line, coming down
the line, and Im just waiting.
[heavy exhale]
I stick my hand out, and he grabbed it.
How are you? So--
I recognize you.
I know who you are.
Youre that comedian who does the joke
about the Indian man trying to rob a bank,
but he cannot rob the bank
because they are making fun of him.
And in my head, Im, like--
[squealing] He knows me!
Outside, Im like, Yeah, thats me.
You are hysterical.
Give me your contact information.
You are the funniest person-- Scuse me.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
You so strong.
Meeting Arnold
is like a really good roller coaster.
You want to go to the end
and meet him one more time.
It was so cool because Im watching him--
And people started recording him.
For me, its one of those things
where Im finding myself
in a very interesting situation right now,
because I like hanging out,
I like going out.
Ive been drunk in Chicago
many, many times.
I like to have fun.
Heres the problem. [chuckles]
I recently signed a contract
with ABC Television
in hopes of producing
my very own sitcom for TV.
[audience cheering]
Its not a guarantee,
but I am guaranteed a pilot.
Heres the problem.
ABC is owned... by Disney.
Disney is such a huge brand
that anytime someone threatens
the way you look at that brand,
they are dealt with
in a very un-Disney-like way.
This sitcom that Im producing
is about me.
I play myself. I play Gabriel Iglesias.
Its about me, my family, my friends.
My friend Martin...
is not allowed on the show.
Not per me. Take it up with the Mouse.
They look at your social media.
They look at your stuff online.
If theres anything about you
that doesnt fit that model,
they will freaking-- mmmm.
And Im paranoid, because Disneys so big.
Theyre so huge.
They own television stations.
They own radio stations.
They own Marvel Comics.
They own Star Wars.
I dont need that phone call, you know?
[imitates phone ringing, line connecting]
[imitating Yoda]
Mmm. Fucked up, you did.
Im so freaking paranoid, you guys.
Because nowadays,
people are always recording.
If you do something
that might look stupid,
it can end up turning out even worse.
For example, say I fall off the stage
tonight and someones recording that.
If TMZ gets ahold of that,
it can go viral.
And God forbid, something happens to me,
it can make the news.
[imitating reporter] Were standing here
in front of the Allstate Arena
in Rosemont, Illinois,
where authorities believe
Fluffy lost control.
The 39-year-old comedian was found dead
for the second time in two years.
No one knows exactly
what happened here tonight.
Authorities had this to say.
[clicks tongue] Aah!
[audience cheering]
Thats why Im saying I gotta be careful,
because I still enjoy my habits.
I still like drinking.
Of course, some people
pull me aside and say,
Gabriel, why do you drink?
Why do you drink?
You have so many responsibilities
and people you take care of.
Why do you drink?
Because I have a lot of responsibilities
and people to take care of.
Some of you already know because
youve been to my shows in the past.
My poison of choice is tequila.
Certain alcohol
I no longer mess with anymore.
Like, I no longer mess with Jger.
[people shouting]
See, first of all, any alcohol
that will make you say its name...
is not safe.
Thats the only alcohol
that will make you do that.
Thats the only one you hear people--
You dont hear anyone else.
You dont hear Mexicans--
Tequila! Gey!
You dont hear black people--
Hennessy, playa.
You dont hear Japanese--
Whoo! Sake! Sake!
Jger is scary for a few reasons.
One, Im Type II diabetic.
I shouldnt even be drinking.
But Jger has twice as much sugar in it.
Second thing is the consistency.
Its very sticky.
Its like cough syrup.
So if you drink too much of it,
it holds on longer than anything else.
And its nasty. When you drink it,
youre, like--
[groans, coughs]
Pa la tos. Pa la tos.
Its horrible.
If you drink too much of it,
it holds on longer than anything else.
You know? If you have one too many beers,
you know what happens.
You get the-- [gurgles]
Then you return it to the rightful owner.
Jger makes you feel like
you gotta bring it back, but you cant.
All it does it make you dramatic
for 45 minutes until it lets go.
Youve seen someone like that.
Hey, you okay?
Im fine, bro-- [retches]
They cant throw up.
All theyre doing is six-minute abs.
People look at you the next day.
Are you into fitness? No, Im a drunk.
Man, Jger is scary.
Another alcohol
I refuse to mess with anymore...
is wine.
Look at the people--
[clearing throat]
Were from Schaumburg.
Those of you that dont know,
Schaumburg is the Beverly Hills
of the area, so--
Im sure you figured that out.
Um-- My issue with wine is very simple.
I dont like the fact
that wine is socially accepted.
What I mean by that is that if you see
someone with a bottle of wine,
if you see a guy crossing the street
with a bottle of wine,
immediately hes judged,
but in a positive way,
because wine is always associated
with something high-class,
something positive, something progressive,
an anniversary, a celebration,
a promotion.
So you try to figure it out.
What do you think is going on over there?
Graduation? Promotion? Its gotta be good.
Hey, good for you, buddy.
Women see a man with a bottle of wine,
holding a couple of glasses,
and immediately--
[imitates womans voice] Aw!
Lucky bitch.
Its still alcohol.
It will still mess you up.
The main reason why I dont like wine
is because
you cannot accurately measure wine.
You can measure real liquor.
Its called a shot.
And you know after drinking enough times
what you can handle
and what you cant handle.
Because people who drink a lot
love to brag
about their drinking abilities.
-They have their drinking number. Right?
-[audience member shouts]
They have their drinking number.
Youll hear em, you know.
Eleven shots of Don Julio. Whoo! Yeah!
They have their drinking number,
even women.
[imitates womans voice]
After four shots of Cuervo, I am so good.
Four shots is my sweet spot.
[low voice] What happens if you do five?
Ill wake up in an alley.
What happens if you do six?
Thats how I met Tyrone.
[mouthing words]
See, with wine you cannot accurately
measure how much youre drinking
unless youre basing it on the bottle.
And if youre basing it on the bottle,
then thats a whole different issue.
With wine,
the glasses are always different sizes.
Sometimes theyre big glasses.
Sometimes theyre small glasses.
And a lot of times you need
to rely on someone to pour it for you.
Sometimes they know what theyre doing.
Sometimes they dont.
Sometimes they fill it up too high,
which is not the proper amount.
Sometimes they get it just right, which is
a little bit less than half of the glass.
Sometimes you get that greedy bastard
from Olive Garden.
You get that little sample.
You have to hold it up
in direct sunlight and do this.
Then you drink it. Thats pretty good.
I got a coupon. Here you go.
And you never see wine drinkers
drinking with real drinkers in dive bars.
You might see em at a social gathering
like this one or some corporate function,
but never at a little hole in the wall.
Youll never see-- Jger!
Tequila! Gey!
And in the middle--
[English accent] Merlot, I say.
Oh, this is a fantastic establishment.
I truly enjoy the decor here.
This is amazing.
This is brilliant, I tell you.
Who cuts your grass?
Its fantastic.
Im sorry. That voice
always makes me laugh. I like it.
It makes me smile, you know,
when were here...
in America.
Whenever I travel
and I perform in England,
-that voice takes on a different meaning.
I heard a whoo.
Do we have people from the UK?
All right. Let me tell
the rest of the people about you.
I love it whenever people from the UK
come here to the United States,
because when we hear you speak,
you sound incredible, you sound amazing,
you sound educated,
you sound inspirational.
That accent is so proper. It is so proper.
It doesnt matter
what youre talking about,
were drawn to whatever it is.
You could be talking about trash,
it sounds amazing.
Who could leave all this rubbish here?
This is such a travesty.
This is-- All this destruction here
all over the sidewalk.
Someone must tend to this at once.
This is ridiculous.
People are listening in.
I dont know what happened
over there, but the shit hit the fan.
That guy from England is pissed.
I dont know.
What the hell is rubbish?
See, its very different.
Now, when one of us goes over there,
man, its very, very different,
because, see,
we dont sound the same as them.
As a matter of fact,
as Americans, we have a certain way
with the English language.
Do you understand how we sound to them?
I mean, seriously, do you know how they
look at us when they hear us speak?
We sound like this to them:
[Southern accent] Ill tell you,
the other day I was hanging out with Phil.
That sumbitch come over to the house.
We had ourselves a good old time.
Just me and Phil.
By the way, if you sound like that
here tonight, Im kidding.
Theyre just jokes.
Dont feel like just, you know,
Im-a wait for his ass outside.
Ill see how funny he is when he gets
to the parking lot. Fluffy, my ass.
I just think its funny...
that, no matter what they talk about
over there,
they sound the same.
It sounds the same, you know.
Whereas with us, Americans,
we speak according to our environment.
We change it up. We morph. We adapt.
We all have our--
For example, we all have
our trying to get a good job voice.
When you walk in for that interview,
you dont sound the way you sound
on a Saturday night
when youre having a couple drinks.
You clean it up. You practice in the car.
And when you walk in, you turn it on.
If youll check my references,
youll see Im more than qualified
for this position.
Please feel free to call Frank Torres.
Frank will tell you the amazing job
I did for him two and a half weeks ago.
Listen, Im ready to work
seven days a week, 365 days a year.
No job is too big. No task is too small.
You can count on me.
Im the right person for the job.
Please keep me in mind.
Thank you for your time.
-And then you get to the parking lot--
-[audience cheering]
Then you get to the parking lot,
and youre like, Whew!
Hijo de la chingada. Ojal me d trabajo
porque est cabrn, gey.
[Spanish accent]
I need a job, man. I need a job.
You guys know
we all have our daytime voice
that we have
around our family and our friends
and our children, you know.
And then we have our late night voice,
you know, our party voice.
And then, if youre lucky enough, you have
your late, late, late night voice.
Thats right. You dont know
whats about to happen.
You better get on-- Te voy a agarrar...
[mumbles] Te gusta as, verdad?
Some of you are looking at me like,
Oh, my God, Fluffys a freak.
Im just giving an example.
All the kids are like,
Oh, this is different.
Sorry. I see those kids,
and theyre just like-- [gasps]
Dads like, Pinche Fluffy.
No, no, no, no, no.
Bad Fluffy. Bad Fluffy. Bad Fluffy.
But, see, now over there,
they sound the same
no matter what theyre doing.
When they apply for a job.
If youll check my references, you will
see Im qualified for this position.
When they party.
If youll pour the wine, I will drink it.
It is brilliant, I tell you.
When theyre making love.
Im going to part your legs
like the Red Sea.
Im going to defile you
in such an amazing fashion,
you will rue the day
you came across me at that local pub.
Im going to lower my drawbridge
and introduce you to the queen!
Yes, I shall.
When you arrive at that magical moment,
I want you to scream victory.
Victory! My job is done here.
[audience cheering]
The only messed-up part about that joke
is that thats the only joke
the kids remember.
Two weeks from now,
youre trying to get in the room.
Youre like, Why is this door locked?
And then you hear, Victory!
I see a couple of young adults there.
How old are you guys?
-[Gabriel] Thirteen.
Wow. And next to you?
-[Gabriel] How old are you?
Youre ten. [gasps]
Okay. I am so sorry for what Martin said.
Ten years old. I cant feel too bad
because you know what?
Ten-year-olds are young adults.
You are a young adult.
I dont see you as a kid.
A kid to me, first of all, is someone
who doesnt have access to the Internet.
You have, Im sure, a tablet, a cell phone
or access to online services, right?
What the hell is he talking about?
Bad choice of words.
You know what I mean, right?
Youve probably seen and heard
a few things already.
And the parents are like,
No, not my child. I lock their phone.
Yeah, but you dont lock
their friends phone.
I feel bad whenever I say something
thats kind of, like, risqu
whenever parents bring a four-year-old,
five-year-old, six-year-old.
And, yes, it happens. Then I feel bad.
Ill meet em after the show and Im like,
I am so sorry for what you heard me say.
And its always funny
to see the parents say,
Oh, they hear worse at home.
Nothing like watching a four-year-old
confirm that. You know, just--
[groans, chuckles]
Like, for example, my son.
Hes 18 years old,
but he still doesnt cuss at home. Okay?
Whatever he does in public,
I have no control over.
But at home he knows he cannot cuss.
One time.
One time in, like, 13 years
I caught my son cussing at home,
and I couldnt even get mad.
He had fallen down the stairs.
[laughs] I dont mean to laugh,
but think about it.
What am I gonna do to him thats worse
than what he just did to himself?
I heard it too. [screams]
[imitates clattering sound]
Son of a bitch! [imitates thud]
I ran over.
I didnt even check his safety.
I was like, What did you say?
Hey, you earned that one.
I said, If you want to say the F-word,
next time let me push you.
Thats when I knew he fell hard.
Really? No. Get up here. Come on.
[laughs] Cool. Welcome, you guys.
Hope you have a good--
I know youre getting nervous, Dad.
Youre like, Whats he telling my son?
No, nothing. Being cool.
But thank you for trusting me
to bring your kids to the show. Yeah.
-Or your young adults. Sorry.
Thank you for trusting me
to bring your young adults to the show.
By the way, I know I keep pointing
at people in the front right here.
[chuckles] If youre here tonight...
with someone
you have no business being here with...
and you see a camera coming by,
just be like, Hey. [hisses, grunts]
Theyre very respectful.
Theyll go to the next person.
Dont even worry about that. [laughs]
Before I forget, you guys,
I would like to thank the Allstate Arena
for providing some amazing
accommodations backstage.
[audience cheering]
Let me tell you right now,
I love my dressing room
for the simple fact that it has
basic things that I really like,
like light switches.
A lot of these arenas
are now starting to go green.
So theyre taking away the light switches
and theyre replacing em with sensors.
Sensors are cool when they work.
Know what I mean?
Youre ten feet away, it senses you,
and the whole room just--
[imitates electrical hum]
What I dont like is
when theyre messed up,
you have to walk into a dark-ass room
and establish your presence.
[imitates electrical hum]
But then you stand still for four seconds.
[imitates hum stopping] Shit!
[imitates electrical hum]
In addition,
backstage my sink has knobs on it.
I have control of the temperature
and pressure of the water,
which in the Chicago area,
I believe, is very important,
especially in the winter.
Oh, man,
you guys are no joke in the winter.
You need warm water
when you wash your hands.
You cant rely on a sensor
that gives you nothing but cold water,
cause you wash your hands with
cold water, your hands get all cryptic.
You go outside,
people are making fun of you.
Lookit. Thriller.
My dressing room, you guys,
has a sink that has hot and cold--
You can control the water.
You can control the temperature.
You can control the pressure.
I hate it when they take that away from us
and replace it with that little sensor.
So now, in addition to being a comedian,
now I gotta be a magician.
Im not a magician, but if you watch me
wash my hands, thats what I look like.
Nothing. Then you walk away.
[imitates water running]
I feel like theres someone behind
the mirror messing with me. Watch this.
[imitates water running intermittently]
Some places stop there.
Some places keep going.
I like a lot of soap when I wash my hands.
I like a good soap dispenser.
I like the, you know, the pump, the--
[imitates soap dispenser squirting]
I hate it when they take that away from us
and then they replace it with that
little spout that goes next to the faucet.
You stick your hand under it,
and it gives you
that little booger of soap.
You know what I mean? That little moco.
You put it under.
You-- [imitates dispenser spitting]
You need more.
So you pull it out and then go back in.
But the sensors like,
No. Its still you.
Now you gotta trick it, right?
Once you get enough soap on your hands,
you gotta try to wash it off.
But you cant wash it off then
because the timer
for the water has timed out.
So now you have to back up and now
you have to put on a second performance.
Now its a race
to get that soap off your hands.
Once you get the soap off your hands,
now you gotta try to dry your hands.
Some places still give you a towel.
Some places give you paper towels.
Some take the paper towels and put em
in a box on the wall with another sensor.
And there you are.
[imitates dispenser humming,
paper tearing]
Three inches of paper.
Three inches, Chicago.
You cant do anything with three inches.
Ask any woman. Theyll tell you.
Or a guy. Im equal opportunity.
I need control of the paper.
I need the crank, the--
[imitates dispenser cranking]
[imitates paper tearing]
[squeaking sound]
Some places stop there.
Some places keep going.
Have you ever walked
into the bathroom stall...
close the door, locked it,
turned around, looked at the toilet
and seen a blinking red light on the wall?
And youre like, Really? Here too?
All youre trying to do is get the tissue
paper off the wall for the toilet seat.
You take one step--
[imitates toilet flushing]
I havent even done anything.
You grab the paper.
[imitates paper crinkling]
[imitates paper whooshing]
[imitates toilet flushing]
[imitates paper crinkling, whooshing]
You turn around
and you put it on like a cape.
[imitates paper whooshing]
And you let it slide down your back while
you slowly try to time it just right.
Just as youre about to sit down,
somebody walks into the bathroom
and distracts you.
[imitates door clicking] Huh?
[imitates toilet flushing]
But its too late. Your knees are bent.
And unless you do CrossFit,
youre not coming back from that one.
Then your bare ass touches the seat...
and youre like, Aah!
And just when you think
it cant get any worse--
[imitates toilet flushing]
And all this water's splashing up,
hitting you right in the ass.
And then the water goes down the drain
and it creates that air vortex
that goes right between your legs.
So now you have a tsunami in the back,
you have a tornado in the front.
And whos the victim?
[high-pitched voice] Pikachu.
And hes holding on for dear life.
You havent even made magic yet,
and youve already been violated
by plumbing.
Now you do what you need to do.
You finish.
Now its time for clean-up,
time for maintenance.
So you reach over for the toilet paper.
And the problem
with using the restroom nowadays
is that most venues, including this one,
instead of putting
a human-size toilet paper roll
inside of the human-size
toilet paper roll dispenser...
they take their ass
to Costco or Sams Club
or one of these places
where you buy in bulk,
and they buy
that giant gorilla roll of toilet paper.
Then they come back here and they force it
into that little tiny compartment...
and then they close the door on it.
[imitates door latching]
So now this giant wheel
is locked in place.
You cant even spin it. Youre just--
You cant even find where it starts
because they glue it.
Out of desperation
you gotta pull out your car keys
and cut into the side of it
like a bag of cocaine on Narcos.
Then you get the paper.
[imitates paper whooshing, snapping]
You try to wipe. [imitates scraping sound]
Chicago, a year from now,
a year from now I am predicting
that they are going to take 100% control
of the restroom.
Youre gonna be sitting there,
and youre gonna think of me
cause youre gonna see it.
Youre gonna look over
to get the toilet paper,
and theres gonna be
a blinking red light on it.
And youre gonna be like,
Oh, my God, Fluffy called it.
And what are you gonna have to do?
[imitates dispenser humming,
paper tearing]
One sheet.
[imitates dispenser humming,
paper tearing repeatedly]
Youre gonna get frustrated
and just sit on it, just--
[imitates dispenser humming constantly]
[imitates paper tearing]
Sorry, bro. I know that was
a lot of culo I threw at you right there.
[laughs] Shes like,
Its like Magic Mike.
[laughs] I am so sorry, bro.
That was a lot.
Damn! Yeah.
You guys, I understand.
I understand
why they do this to our restrooms,
why they put sensors in places,
because theyre trying to save energy,
theyre trying to save water.
I live in California.
We need water. Okay? We do.
But some places need sensors,
some places dont.
Some places are good at teaching us
how to conserve energy and conserve water.
Some places are horrible at it,
like the hotel that were staying at.
They have a very basic thing that they do.
They have a little cardboard sign
that hangs on the towel rack
in the bathroom.
All it says is, Please help save water
by reusing your towel.
On the back, a diagram shows you
the millions of gallons of water
that are saved every year
when people reuse their towel.
I reuse em at home.
I got no problem doing that at the hotel.
Its my towel.
Some people
dont want to reuse their towels.
Theyre like, That towels dirty.
Well, if that towels dirty,
then you suck at showers.
Because theoretically
that white towel should be white
every single time you use it.
But, no, people like to roll it up
and then go expert mode with it.
And now you waste more water
trying to get that out.
Like I said, some places
are good at teaching us
how to save energy, save water.
Some places are horrible at it.
I was at a university not too long ago
very close to here.
And this university has a lot of money,
so much so that they have their own
private police department on campus.
Its only for the campus.
Now, thats not a big deal.
Theres a lot of colleges
that have their own on-campus police.
The difference is
this college, somehow or another,
wound up giving the police department
Priuses to use for their patrol cars.
-[scattered cheers]
-Some of you already know the university.
Now, look, this is not even a joke.
My thing is that,
if youre an officer of the law...
its your job to fight crime.
The first thing that people see
when you arrive on a scene
is your mode of transportation.
Your vehicle needs to establish
dominance of the situation
before you set one foot outside.
In California,
over 65% of California Highway Patrol
officers now drive SUVs.
So when you get stopped over there,
you feel it.
Youre intimidated by it.
[imitates loud engine slowing]
[imitates siren blaring, horn honking]
And people jump out on the freeway.
Dont kill me!
Now, imagine getting stopped by--
[imitates high-pitched motor slowing]
Dont let me get stopped
by a cop in a Prius...
with attitude.
You know why I stopped you?
[laughs] Cause I let you?
Imagine the first time
they did a DUI stop.
The cop probably didnt even get out
of the car. He just stayed on the radio.
Sir, step out of your vehicle right now.
Okay. Okay.
[imitates door slamming] All right.
Is that a Prius?
I must be drunk.
Sir, walk the line.
Okay, all right, all right, all right.
Officer? [coughs]
If I gotta go to jail, can you call
a real cop car to pick me up?
Stop being a smart-ass. Walk the line.
Okay. Hey, real quick, real quick,
real quick, real quick.
Hey, hey, hey, charge my phone.
Thats it. Youre going to jail.
[clicks tongue] Aah!
[imitates high-pitched motor]
I dont know, man.
-[man shouting]
-A lot of time-- Yes, sir? Qu pas?
[audience members shouting]
I love you too, bro.
Give me cake, sugar-free.
Thank you. I gotta be careful.
I almost slipped right there.
Hes like, Ill catch you.
Yeah, youll catch me, youll catch me
and youll catch me.
Its like SeaWorld without the water.
I gotta start being careful, you guys,
because Im noticing now,
after six specials,
that a lot of my material,
a lot of my stories
are starting to come back to haunt me.
Some of them in good ways,
some of them not so good.
For example, in 1997...
on TV one time, one time, I said,
I love chocolate cake.
One time.
Nineteen years later,
people are still bringing me
chocolate cakes.
That is crazy. I mean, think about that.
Nineteen years ago,
and Im still getting cake.
Ive only said it one time.
Next thing you know, I talked
about how much I love diet sodas.
Next thing you know,
people started bringing me diet sodas.
In the following special, Aloha Fluffy,
I started talking about
how my sons growing a little bit older
and the hormones are kicking in
and he needed to use deodorant.
Next thing you know,
his friends started bringing deodorant
and people started bringing deodorant
to my shows for me to give to my son.
In that same special, Aloha Fluffy...
I told a story, a story that went viral,
called The Racist Gift Basket Story.
[audience cheering, applauding]
The story itself
is about 15 minutes long, okay?
Im gonna give you
the three-minute version of that story
so you understand whats going on.
Basically, Martin and I are doing a show
in Sacramento, California.
Were driving from LA to Sacramento.
Were passing through a small town
called Fresno.
As were passing through Fresno,
we reach out to the local promoter
who does the shows there.
Were good friends with him.
And he tells us, you know,
cause were trying to have lunch--
And he goes, Hes busy.
But by the way, G Reillys in town.
And were like, Oh, shoot,
our friend G Reillys in town.
Hes at the hotel.
All right, hes at the hotel.
We knew exactly where he was at.
So I say,
Martin, how about we go and visit G?
Martin goes, Lets stop by.
I figured first lets pick up some sodas,
some drinks so we can surprise him.
We get to the market. We walk in the door,
we see a whole pile of gift baskets.
Martin goes,
We should get him a gift basket.
I said, Martin,
G Reilly doesnt like gift baskets, okay?
He doesnt like the fancy wine
and the fancy cheese and the sausage.
He definitely hates crackers.
-[audience laughing]
-You dont even know why thats so funny.
-But anyways--
-[audience laughing]
I said, How about this, Martin?
He doesnt know were coming.
Lets have fun with him.
How about we make him
a racist gift basket?
And Martin goes, Whats that?
I go, You know, Martin,
a racist gift basket,
a gift basket designed to have fun
with whatever race
youre trying to mess with.
Now, in Gs case, hes black.
It was easy.
Now, I say easy not to be an ass.
I say easy
because there are so many stereotypes
attached to African Americans.
So we had this empty gift basket.
What did we put in it?
Fried chicken, watermelon,
Kool-Aid, grape soda,
barbecued potato chips, sunflower seeds,
an Ebony magazine,
a Chris Rock DVD
called Bigger and Blacker,
Magnum condoms, Newport cigarettes,
a rack of ribs, the recipe for corn bread.
We put everything but a white girl
with a big ass in the basket.
We wrapped it up really nice,
we put a big bow on it
and took it to the hotel.
We had the girl at the front desk
deliver it to his room.
Martin and I are waiting in the hallway
where he cant see us.
So she knocks on the door.
[imitates knocking]
G Reilly opens the door.
She gives him the gift basket.
He says, Thank you, closes the door.
[imitates door closing]
Martin and I run to the door,
and we start listening to him
opening up the gift basket.
As hes opening it, hes getting excited.
And he is enjoying every single thing
he is pulling out of that basket.
He is loving this basket
until he realizes its a practical joke,
and then he freaks out
because he read the greeting card.
The greeting card freaked him out
because now he thinks
that the KKK sent the gift basket.
Some of you are like,
Why does he think that?
Cause thats what we wrote.
If youre gonna do a practical joke,
you go big or you go home.
So he freaks out
and he tries to run out of the hotel room.
As soon as he gets in the hallway,
he sees Martin and I laughing
and he puts two and two together.
So then he cusses us out.
He forgives us, gives us a hug,
high five, we go back in his room.
And then I eat his chicken.
What winds up happening is
that story goes crazy on Comedy Central.
People are giving em a hard time.
They pull it.
Next thing you know,
I upload it through YouTube.
Ten million views it gets on YouTube.
Then they flag it
because the word racist is in the title.
So it gets pulled off.
So then I reupload it.
It gets another ten million.
Then I had people share it.
All in all, the videos probably gotten
about a little over
a hundred million views.
So heres what happened.
Just like...
the chocolate cakes--
[audience laughing]
the diet soda...
and the deodorant...
before you know it,
people started bringing me...
Mexican racist gift baskets.
Now, when it first started happening--
Listen, guys, Im not gonna lie.
It was actually kind of cute
because it was only other Mexicans
bringing me
these Mexican racist gift baskets.
It started in LA after a show.
This one guy walks up to me with a basket,
and hes like,
Hey, whats up, homey?
Got you a racist gift basket.
I said, Were the same race.
Hey, whatever. All right, whatever.
I take it backstage,
and all the items in the basket
made it to my house.
There was a Mexican blanket
with a tiger on it,
a bunch of bottles of Fanta,
bottles of sangria,
Vicente Fernndez CDs, Mexican candy,
pan dulce, sweet bread, mazapanes.
Everything made it to my house.
the more East Coast we started traveling
and the more Down South
we started performing...
the more...
the gift baskets started getting.
Fast-forward to Mobile, Alabama.
[audience laughing, oohing]
Oh, it gets good.
Earlier tonight,
before we kicked off this special,
my friend Martin was out here
making a couple of announcements.
One of the announcements that he made was,
If you brought a gift,
please hold on to it until after the show.
Dont bring it to the stage.
It could interrupt the flow
of the performance.
The only reason
why he makes this announcement
every single night
is because of one show in Mobile.
So heres what happens.
I tell
the entire Racist Gift Basket Story,
the full 16 minutes, right?
As soon as I finish,
a guy from the back of the theater
rushes the front of the stage.
Now keep in mind this area is full.
In Mobile
the aisle was right up the middle.
So the guy had a clean shot to me.
He hauled ass like it was
The Price Is Right all the way down.
[imitating motor revving]
Much like tonight,
there was security there that night.
Security sees the guy with the basket,
but no one thought to stop him.
All they did was,
[Southern accent] Thats pretty.
Oh, thats nice. Thats pretty, yeah.
So the guy makes it all the way
to the front, takes the gift basket,
and he puts it on the stage.
Now hes heckling me
from where youre sitting.
Im standing here and hes like, Fluffy!
Whats up, dude?
[Southern accent] I got this for you.
Thank you.
Open it.
I go, Sir, were in the middle of a show
right now.
I says, I appreciate the gift.
Thats very nice of you.
But how about this?
Ill open it after the show.
Oh, come on, Fluffy.
I wanna see your face.
Sir, how about this?
How about you take the gift basket and
bring it to the side where securitys at?
And Ill have security escort you
behind the curtain.
And then Ill open it up backstage
with you in front of me. Hows that?
And hes not taking no for an answer.
Now the problem is the crowd just saw me
tell The Racist Gift Basket Story,
and all of a sudden
theres a guy with a gift basket.
They have no idea Im not affiliated
with freakin Duck Dynasty
in the front row.
So now Im trying to defuse the situation
before it gets crazy,
but hes not taking no for an answer.
Next thing you know, he does something
no other audience member has ever done
in my 19-plus years as a comedian.
He takes the whole crowd away from me,
flips em, and then uses em on me...
in five seconds.
It was the most amazing, horrific thing
I have ever witnessed.
This is all he did:
[Southern accent] Come on, Fluffy!
We wanna see your face!
We wanna see your face!
We wanna see your--
He gets 2,000 people behind him
to start chanting.
[whispering loudly]
We wanna see your face.
We wanna see your face.
It was very evident this was not
the first rally hes ever led.
The crowd is so loud,
I can no longer hear myself
over the monitor.
So Im like-- I lost.
So I get on my hands and knees.
I put the microphone down,
I grab the gift basket,
and I start tearing it open.
I reach in.
Forget about pulling out Mexican soda,
Mexican candy or a Mexican blanket.
This dude was a pro.
I started pulling out gardening tools.
Im pulling out a rake,
a toy shovel, a toy leaf blower.
[Southern accent]
Dig deeper, Fluffy! Dig deeper!
I pull out a soccer ball.
I go, Dude, it says Puerto Rico.
They ran out of Mexico.
I pull out a brick.
I go, Whats the brick for?
The wall.
I pull out an actual application
for US citizenship.
[audience gasping]
I said,
Theres no way this can get any worse.
Dig deeper!
I was wrong.
I pull out
an old-school box of Crayola Crayons.
You know, the 64-pack
that has a sharpener in the back?
Theres a window
on the front of the crayons
so you can see
all of the colors that are in the box.
All of the crayons in the box are brown
except for one white crayon
right in the middle.
And I said,
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
And he looks at me and he says,
Welcome to my world.
The crowd is laughing so hard,
I know for a fact I dont have a joke
thats gonna follow that.
So I made like
that was the end of my performance.
I picked up the gift basket.
I said, Thank you, Mobile!
[imitates audience cheering]
And I gave the guy a dirty look.
I go behind the curtain.
Martin is waiting behind the curtain.
And Martins like, Bro.
You killed it out there.
I go, Martin,
they werent laughing at my jokes.
What were they laughing at?
And I showed him the application.
And hes like-- [screams]
Youre not my friend. Not my friend.
So I walk into the dressing room,
you guys, and Im pissed, man.
I walk in. I close the door.
[imitates door slamming]
Put the basket down.
Im scratching my head.
Im trying to think,
What could I have done
to have prevented that
from getting to where it went?
Should I have grabbed
the gift basket, moved it out of the way?
Should I have had security grab the guy?
Grab the gift basket and the guy?
Every idea that Im coming up with
is ending worse.
Finally, I accept it.
I jump in the shower.
I get out. I get dressed.
Security shows up.
[imitates knocking] Mr. Iglesias?
Yeah. Ready?
Yeah, yeah. Give me a second.
I grab my backpack. I put on my backpack.
I walk over to the door,
open up the door. Lets go.
He sees the gift basket on the chair,
and hes trying to be nice.
Ill get that for you, sir.
Yeah, bring it.
Bring... Never know
when you might need an application.
So now hes escorting me out the back door
of the theater into an empty parking lot
on our way to the tour bus
thats at the very end of the parking lot.
Were walking for a good four minutes.
All of a sudden, I hear this:
Whoo-ooh! Fluffy!
Hoo-hoo, Fluffy!
Im like, Is he hog-calling me?
I believe so, sir.
Its the guy that gave me the gift basket,
and now hes standing
next to the tour bus.
So theres no way Im gonna get past him.
So Im like, Man! So we stop walking.
Securitys like,
Would you like me to call for backup?
You dont need to.
Hes not gonna hurt me.
Its just gonna get really weird.
I pull out my cell phone,
and Im trying to text Martin.
Come on, Martin. Get over--
Hes not replying.
The guy gets tired of waiting
next to the bus.
So now hes walking towards me,
but hes doing it in a really weird way.
Hes walking towards me
like Im a dangerous animal.
Okay? Hes doing this: Fluffy.
Im not gonna do anything!
And he walks over, and hes just ranting.
All right, look here, Fluffster.
First and foremost,
let me just tell you something right now.
Ive been watching your comedy
for about seven years now,
and my favorite joke that you tell
is when you give that gift basket
to your colored friend G.
Man, first time
I heard you tell that joke,
I wanted to laugh really hard,
but I couldnt, right?
Cause I was at a bar
sitting next to two black people.
You cant laugh at a black joke
in front of black people
cause they get all uppity,
start chanting civil rights
and Rosa Parks and shit like that.
And, hey, I voted for Obama,
but its too soon to laugh.
You know what Im sayin?
Anyway, I took my happy ass home,
and I got on the Internet,
and I Googled Racist Gift Basket,
and your joke came up,
and I had me a good old laugh, and I says,
You know, I love Fluffys sense of humor.
He likes to push the envelope
with his friends,
and he doesnt allow political correctness
to interfere with a good friendship.
At the end of the day,
youre still friends,
you still love each other,
you still respect one another.
I said, Hey, if the Fluffster
ever shows his ass here in Mobile,
be first in line to get me one
of them tickets.
And you came! So I tell my friends,
Lets go! Lets go see the Fluffster.
I said, But first, Id bet you anything
hed appreciate it
if somebody were to get him
one of them gift baskets like he got G.
Except we got you the UPS basket.
UPS basket?
Yeah, What can brown do for you? So--
[audience laughing]
The problem is you didnt laugh.
You got offended, and I didnt want you
to get offended, Fluffster.
I wanted you to laugh.
But the problem is, is that, you know,
I didnt need you thinking
that Mobile was a horrible place
and we were horrible people.
We were just trying to have fun with you
the same way you had fun with G.
We work very hard here,
40-plus hours a week myself.
And the amount of money and time
that we put into that gift basket
is only because we love you.
Hey, you have any idea
how long I was on the goddamn Internet
trying to find
an application for US citizenship?
In English? Are you shitting me?
Everythings in espaol.
Hey, I voted for Obama.
I aint got time for that.
The bottom line is that Im sorry
for interfering with your performance.
Itll never happen again.
I just wanted to say Im sorry,
and hopefully youll allow me
to take a picture with you.
Im sorry.
And I was like, Oh, my God, Im a dick.
I said,
Listen, sir, you dont have to apologize.
I should apologize. I didnt handle
the situation the right way.
But you gotta look at it through my eyes.
Ive never had anyone
take an entire crowd away from me.
That was pretty good, huh?
Will you listen?
Yes, that was pretty good.
Look, Im very sorry that I got upset.
First time that happens.
I wont let that happen again.
You dont have to apologize.
I will be happy
to take a picture with you.
Now, see-- Now, see?
Thats what Im saying right there.
Thats what Im saying right there!
All my friends are like,
To hell with that beaner.
I said, Nope. Nope.
That beaner is good people.
[audience applauding, cheering]
And then he pulled out his camera, right?
[imitates camera ratcheting]
And he tries to hand
this disposable FunSaver camera
to this 19-year-old security guard
whos never handled
that level of technology.
He puts the gift basket down.
We hand him the camera.
Hes looking for an app.
Hes looking for a screen.
Meanwhile, the guy wants to pose
with his arm over my shoulders.
Hes a little shorter than me,
so I gotta do this one right here, okay?
Hes got me in this headlock,
and he just starts talking.
Look here, Fluffster.
Let me just tell you something right now.
I really appreciate what you do.
Im gonna continue to pray for you,
your family, your friends and your success
because what you do is a godsend.
It really is.
In these times, you make people smile,
you make people laugh.
We need more of that in our lives.
Look, Im not trying to blow smoke
up your butt, but look.
I dont have children,
but if I ever had one of my own,
Id hope hed have your spirit.
God bless you.
Listen. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[audience cheering]
Hey, buddy, listen.
If theres anything I can do--
Hey, b-b-b-b-bah.
D-Dont do that. Dont do that.
Dont do that.
Dont say what you dont mean.
Lets just take a picture.
Dont say what you dont mean
if you dont mean it.
If theres anything I can do,
please let me know.
Hold up the application.
Chicago, I love you. Thank you.
Have a great night. Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you!
[song intro]
[audience cheering]
Hey, its Fluffy
Hey, its Fluffy
Its time to say hello
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
Its time to let you know
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
Mmm, youre Fluffy, automatic
Break it down, systematic
Healthy, husky, Fluffy
[Fluffy] Damn!
Drive-thru fanatic
Ladies, check out the figure
Curvaceous and climactic
Man, hes hotter than a tan
on a Jersey Shore fanatic
-[Fluffy] Uh-uh, look here, Nacho Libre
Mr. Fabulous in Road Trip
-The palm tree to your toothpick
-[Fluffy] Oh, hell, no!
-French braider, laugh instater
Crackin smiles to South Decatur
Fits and giggles instigator
Fluffalicious makes it greater
Its time to say hello
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
Its time to let you know
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
Yeah, yo, Fluffy, whats the status?
Shonuff, yo, whos the baddest?
Yo, hit them funny bones
with them comedic acrobatics
[Fluffy] Martin!
Feel the force, boy
Quit all the chatter
Ill just get more Fluffy
Hopefully the chocolate cake
gets fatter
[Fluffy] Mmm, chocolate cake
-Worldwide to Cali-fresh, yes
You got your Hawaiian shirt pressed?
[Fluffy] Oh, my God, yes
Hes full of soul
and built tough like King Kong
Everybody stand up, fluff it up
-And sing this song
-Come on
Its time to say hello
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
Its time to let you know
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
[people chattering]
Its time to let you know
How to do the Fluffy Flow
Its time to say hello
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
Its time to let you know
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
Its time to say hello
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
Its time to let you know
This is The Fluffy Show
Its time to say hello
This is The Fluffy Show
Hey, its Fluffy
[Fluffy] Oh, my God, yes.