Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass (2026) Movie Script

1
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
FRANK: This is Willowbrook,
the littlest town with
the biggest heart
right here in
the center of Kansas.
You know, I know
everybody in this town,
and I know all their stories.
But no story is crazier
than the story of Gail Daughtry
and the Celebrity Sex Pass.
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
Hey, Ollie.
FRANK: And that's
Gail right there.
She's a shining light around
these parts. [CHUCKLES]
You know, I don't
like playing favorites
with people in the town
but fuck it,
I don't give a shit.
Gail's my favorite.
And in just
a couple of weeks,
we're all gonna
be gathering
to go to her
wedding to Tom,
her high school sweetheart.
-Hi, Frank.
-Morning!
And as for me,
-well, my name is Frank.
-[MAN] Hey, Frank!
And if you haven't figured it
out from context,
what I do for a living,
maybe this big bag of mail
will help clue you in.
Still stumped?
Well, let me give you
another little hint.
I'm a mailman.
Think you got it now?
But enough about me.
This story's really
about Gail.
There's a tornado
brewing on the horizon,
and it all starts with
an innocent conversation
at the hair salon
where she works
-with her best friend, Otto.
-GAIL: Hi.
-Good morning!
-Hello! Hi, honey!
[SHOUTING] Hi, Ronald!
Sorry I'm late!
[CHUCKLES] Gail, sweetie,
we're just talking about
the celebrity free pass.
Who's yours?
-Celebrity free pass?
-Yeah.
-What's that?
-Oh, you know,
it's like, uh, each
member of a couple
gets one celebrity that,
given the chance,
they could have sex with.
-Ah!
-Right?
And the other one gives
them a free pass to do so.
-Mine is Liam Neeson.
-Oh.
Because I suspect
in the bedroom,
[IN IRISH ACCENT] he has
a particular set of skills.
[LAUGHING] Oh, you're bad!
Tom is obviously
my celebrity pass.
After all, he was the starting
quarterback on the Wildcats.
Okay, but if you had
to pick someone
who was not your boyfriend?
-He's my fiance, Otto.
-Oh.
I finally got him
to buy the cow
after giving him
all my milk for free.
-Take that, Mom!
-Honey, don't I know it?
I mean, I am gonna be standing
right by your side,
absolutely sobbing
like I'm watching
Schindler's List
for the 12th time.
I thought you only
watched it 11 times.
I watched it again last night.
Anyway, I gotta get myself
a fancy suit for the big day
-when I'm in LA this weekend.
-[GASPS]
-That's right!
-Mm-hmm.
You're going to the West Coast
Hairstyling Expo. [GROANS]
I'm really jealous of you.
Oh, well, get ready
to be mucho jealous.
"Mucho jealous"?
[CHUCKLES] Look at you.
Sprinkling a little
-Spanish in there?
-Mm.
Who knew that
you were bilingual?
Uh, honey,
I'm bi-everything.
Biweekly?
-Okay, you got me.
-Got you.
Anyway, my point is,
guess who's gonna
be at the expo?
-Who?
-Hairstyling guru...
Wait for it.
-Remy Fontaine.
-[GASPS]
Remy Fontaine is
gonna be there?
-That's right! [LAUGHING]
-Remy Fontaine!
King of the whip curl
Remy Fontaine?
His Royal Highness himself.
-I'm even more jealous. [GROANS]
-Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]
I've never been to California.
I've never even been
out of the state.
[HAIR DRYER WHIRS]
Honey, why don't you
come with me?
Quick three-day trip.
We'll hobnob with
all the Hollywood stars
-at the Universal CityWalk.
-[CHUCKLES]
Ugh. I can't, there's
so much going on here.
I'm forcing Tom to
drive me into the city
to go to a book signing later
and the wedding's in
two weeks, so... [GROANS]
Los Angeles sounds amazing.
[SHOUTING] Doesn't it, Ronald?
TOM: Los Angeles? Ugh.
Too many people there.
GAIL: Yeah, that's
what Ronald said.
TOM: And as for
the free pass thing,
the only celebrity
I've ever had a crush on
is a certain Wildcats
head cheerleader.
Oh, that's sweet.
You've always
been the bagel
under and on top
of my cream cheese.
Aw. But if you did have
to pick a celebrity...
Tilda Swinton.
She'd be my pass.
Oh.
-What about you?
-I don't know.
Honestly, I never
thought about it.
Well, what about Jon Hamm?
Didn't you think about him
when you used to use
the handheld shower head?
When I was like 16...
through 19.
Now I really regret
telling you that.
We're never getting
stoned again.
Oof. Fine by me.
It's too expensive.
Anyway, that's perfect.
Jon Hamm's
your celebrity pass.
Okay. Can we move on now?
-Anything for my bagel.
-Thank you, my cream cheese!
"Chop one
medium-sized onion.
"Fine.
"Chop one stalk
of celery.
"Fine. Chop two
cloves of garlic.
"Add one pound
of ground beef..."
-She's incredible.
-[JENNIFER CONTINUES READING]
No, you're not wrong.
Color me impressed.
"Salt and pepper to taste.
"Enjoy with one to two glasses
of tap water."
-Wow.
-[CROWD CLAPPING]
-Aw, thank you.
-Whoo-hoo!
WOMAN: Yeah. Just...
-Thank you so much.
-WOMAN 2: Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
Appreciate it so much.
Oh, hi. I'm Gail.
I'm such a big fan of yours.
And not just of the cookbook.
I've seen your acting on TV,
-and the movies...
-Thank you.
...even before
The Morning Show.
That's so sweet.
Sorry, where are my manners?
This is my fiance, Tom.
I've never seen
any of your stuff.
We're getting married
on the 27th.
Oh, you're so cute.
I'm gonna do something
special for you.
-You are? [CHUCKLES]
-Yes. Yes, I am.
[PEN SCRATCHING]
Oh, I won't cheat. [CHUCKLES]
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
[WHISPERING]
She smells so good.
Okay.
-[SIGHS] Enjoy that.
-Thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
Oh, my gosh!
She's even nicer in person
than she is in the cookbook.
I have to admit, I never felt
one way or the other about her.
But you were right.
She's fantastic.
-She's got a new fan.
-Yeah?
Oh, you gonna change
your celebrity pass to
Jennifer Aniston?
-You know what?
-[LAUGHING]
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Okay, Jennifer Aniston, it is.
But that means if you meet
Tilda Swinton somewhere,
you have to keep
your hands to yourself.
Got it. If Tilda Swinton
knocks on the door
and wants to hop in the sack,
I'm gonna tell her,
"Not today, Tilda."
BOTH: Not today!
Do you remember
-where we parked the car?
-Yeah, it's that way.
Your fiance
remembers everything.
-[LAUGHS]
-Ah! Except my keys.
Oh.
Which are in my jacket,
which I left inside.
-Okay.
-I'm sorry.
-That's fine! Okay.
-Give me two minutes.
Okay. Scrambled eggs,
butter toast, pancakes.
Just add water.
That sounds so good.
Instant oatmeal with honey.
Bagel with cream cheese.
"Bagel with cream cheese."
Where is he?
GAIL: Sir! Sir?
Hi. Excuse me, sir.
My fiance came back
here over an hour ago.
Tom? Hello?
-Try here.
-Thank you so much.
-[TOM MOANING]
-GAIL: Hello?
JENNIFER: Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right there.
TOM: So, what do you think?
We start with season one, or...
JENNIFER: Yeah, sure.
I'll have my assistant
get you the DVDs. [MOANS]
-Tom?
-[GASPS]
Gail! I was just
about to text you.
I thought you were looking
for your coat. But you're...
You're...
Gail, this was
my one free pass.
Remember earlier?
GAIL: You took it literally?
Hold on. I'm getting
a little worried here.
Just a second.
Uh, you know, um...
Tom said that
you were okay with this.
I mean, otherwise, I would have
never done it, you know?
I mean, I respect your
commitment way too much.
Tom, you said
she was okay with this.
Yes, we talked
about this before.
So, what's happening?
I don't understand.
Gail, please tell Jennifer
Aniston about the free pass.
-Please call me Jen.
-This is not happening.
I just came in to get my jacket
and I couldn't find it.
Yeah. And then
I saw him really distraught,
so I thought,
"Okay, let me help him."
And then I thought,
"This is a really special guy."
-Aw.
-And, well, you would know.
-I mean, you're marrying him.
-[EXHALES]
And then he told me
about the celebrity pass,
and I thought,
"Well, what the hell?"
We're right here. Why not?
Be a great story for you guys
to tell at your wedding.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Fun half hour for me.
But you know what?
I'm a very instinctual person,
and I'm kind of
really getting the idea
that you're super
not into this.
OTTO: I am so glad
you changed your mind.
I thought it was like
a silly little exercise.
Not literal license to have
sex with Rachel from Friends.
Forget about him, Gail.
We're gonna have so much fun
in LA this weekend.
-GAIL: Yeah.
-[MACHINE BEEPS]
-TSA AGENT: What's in here?
-Those are all just hairbrushes.
I'm a... [CHUCKLES]
I'm a hairstylist.
[DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY]
OTTO: Don't worry.
I'm... I'm cool.
I have a steel plate in my head,
and I have the paperwork
from my doctor right here.
Yeah, I had an accident
with a pinata.
You think I look bad?
You should see the pinata.
All right, Universal CityWalk.
Bubba Gump Shrimp. Whoo!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
-Welcome to Los Angeles.
-[PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING]
WOMAN: [OVER PA]
For your safety,
please be aware
of mudslides...
Hi. My name is Gail.
WOMAN: [OVER PA]
...and earthquakes.
Uh, listen, there's no
flowery way to say this.
I have to take a mondo shit,
so I'll be back in a sec.
-Mm. [CHUCKLES]
-[CELL PHONE DINGS]
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENOVER PA]
SERGIO: Come on,
there's no chance that's him.
-Oh, my God.
-It is him.
[EXHALES]
MARCO: Oh, my God.
Mr. Henry Winkler.
We are huge fans.
-Thank you so much.
-Oh, my... Otto!
Mr. Winkler,
hey, look, look, look.
-I have a tattoo of your face!
-HENRY: Looks just like me.
Yeah, I got this when I was
stupid drunk in Key West.
SERGIO: No regrets,
Mr. Winkler.
-No regrets.
-[GASPS] Otto!
-MARCO: Can we get a photo?
-It would be my pleasure.
-Really?
-Come on, come on.
SERGIO: Yeah?
HENRY: Let's do it quickly.
I got a plane to catch.
Do you want me to
take the picture?
MARCO: Oh, yeah.
HENRY: Just step over here.
Lighting is everything.
Here we go.
Happy Days. Night Shift.
Arrested Development.
-Barry.
-Hey, those are my credits.
SERGIO: Henry frickin' Winkler!
-I have a plane.
-[LAUGHS]
-Thank you, thank you.
-Okay.
-Thank you, young lady.
-Thank you so much.
-GAIL: I'm a big fan.
-Thank you.
-Hey!
-Hey!
-Yeah, I used to say that.
-[SERGIO AND MARCO LAUGH]
Thank you. Take care, guys.
Wow! And they say
never meet your heroes.
-What a mensch.
-Oh! Unbelievable.
Hey, what are you...
Don't put the case down.
We lose this, we're dead men.
Well, sometimes
we make exceptions to even
-the most important rules...
-[GAIL LAUGHS]
...when celebrities
are involved.
Sorry. I spaced for a second.
Can you repeat that, please?
I said, sometimes
we make exceptions
to even the most important rules
when celebrities are involved.
OTTO: [SIGHS] Hey.
GAIL: I just saw
my first Hollywood celebrity.
No way. Who? Give me a hint.
-Jewish.
-Henry Winkler.
-Yes!
-Yes! [WHOOPS]
-Oh, my God! Wow!
-[LAUGHING]
Okay. We are definitely
in Hollywood now, huh? Wow.
MAN: [OVER PA]
Welcome to LAX...
[OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Get in.
[SERGIO CLEARS THROAT]
[IN ITALIAN]
We don't speak Italian.
Okay, so I ask again.
Has the briefcase
left your person at any time?
Sorry, you said, "I ask again,"
but to be fair,
this is the first time
we're hearing the question
in a language we understand.
And, no, I assure you,
I've had the case
by my side the entire trip.
SERGIO: Mm.
You know, as a teenager,
I dreamed of only two things.
The first was to rid myself
of what was, at that time,
a truly horrible case of acne.
BOTH: Oh.
The second dream
was to dismantle
the corrupt global
financial system,
leaving in its place
a storm of chaos and anarchy.
I mean, go big
or go home, right?
Dream number one was realized
by the time I was 19.
-See? See? Look.
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-SERGIO: Beautiful.
-All clear.
-Like a porcelain doll.
-Like a freshly peeled egg.
LUDOVICA: But dream
number two...
Well, technically,
it might be dream number three
because there was a short time
when dream number two
was to sing an aria
from La Boheme at La Scala.
-Wow.
-Oh, holy shmoly.
But that was a lot of,
you know...
When push came to shove,
I wanted a social life.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Mm. Yeah.
So dream...
Let's call it
dream number three
had remained
just that, a dream.
The one about dismantling
the financial system.
-That's the one.
-[SUITCASE LOCK CLICKS]
A lifetime of sacrifice,
pain and sorrow
has led me to
what's inside this case.
My dream, number three.
-What a journey.
-Amazing.
[SUITCASE UNLOCKS]
-That's you.
-You want me to...
Yep.
LUDOVICA:
Are you quite sure...
you never let go
of my case?
Quite sure.
I would bet my life on it.
-[MARCO GROANS]
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my Lord!
Sergio, can you explain this?
[PANTING] Thinking...
Thinking more carefully...
Yes, there was
a moment at the airport
where he put down the case.
I was very mad.
But, yes, he put it down.
I was very mad at you. Uh...
-"Gail Daughtry, hairdresser."
-SERGIO: God.
[IN ITALIAN]
You know what?
I think... I think
I get the sentiment.
You want...
You want me to find the...
You want me to find
the girl and then get...
-Then get the case back?
-Now!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENOVER PA]
[LUDOVICA SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]
GAIL: We're not
in Kansas anymore.
-OTTO: Yeah. Right?
-[GAIL SIGHS]
DRIVER: Welcome to
the City of Angels, folks...
-Whoo!
-...where the streets
are paved with gold.
Oh, thank you.
My name is Gail.
-This is...
-No, no.
Names are not necessary.
All I need is a destination.
Yeah. The Sunset Grandeur Hotel.
-3225...
Hollywood Boulevard.
I know it well.
-OTTO: Hmm.
-[HORN HONKING]
DRIVER: Now, I'll give you
a little piece of advice
I give everyone
when they arrive.
A lot of people come into
town thinking overnight
they're gonna be
the next Elizabeth Perkins.
-[OTTO CHUCKLES]
-But let me tell you something.
Liz Perkins did not become
Tom Hanks'
love interest in Big
-right off the bat.
-OTTO: Hmm.
And you can't do
what Liz Perkins does.
You gotta be you!
There's only one Liz Perkins,
and her name happens
to be Elizabeth Perkins.
You know what?
I'm very tired.
Do you mind if I pull over,
take a quick power nap?
Can you not make it?
You know what?
I can power through.
I'll power... I can do it.
I can power through.
Everyone is such a character
-in this town, huh?
-Yeah.
NICCOLO: Did you
deliver the case?
SERGIO: There was a problem.
The boss was not happy,
so she, uh...
She killed Marco
right in front of my face.
NICCOLO: Oh. God.
I'm so sorry, Sergio.
I need to find
this Gail Daughtry,
or Ludovica's gonna
kill me, too.
Yeah, we'll find this "Gail."
And as much as we mourn
the loss of Marco...
we'll celebrate
the life he led, huh?
SERGIO: Yeah,
his life was cut short
but he was lucky
to be one of the very few
to count Mr. Henry Winkler
as one of his good friends.
-Huh?
-Oh!
I buried the lede.
We met Henry friggin'
Winkler at LAX!
-No shit?
-Yeah.
-Vinnie Barbarino.
-One and the same.
[BEEPING]
Here we go. Gail Daughtry.
Arrived at LAX this morning.
-Leaving Sunday.
-[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
No hotel reservations.
[GRUNTS]
-We have to find that case.
-Let me tell you something.
We are gonna find the case,
and Gail Daughtry
is gonna get a bullet
in the back of the brain.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING]
DRIVER: Here we are.
Right by
-the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
-[BRAKES SCREECH]
Now keep your eyes peeled,
because Liz Perkins
-could be anywhere.
-Oh.
This place is incredible.
It really is.
-[BOTH GASP]
-There's Remy Fontaine!
Okay, you do know
he created the whip curl, right?
Yes. What? Of course.
I'm as much of a Fontaine
junkie as you are.
OTTO: I'm just making sure.
Okay, we have you
for two nights.
I can put you in a room
on the top floor.
Hey, hey, hey.
Top floor. Fancy.
Just tell me that
you have an elevator?
Honey, this is Hollywood.
Almost every hotel
has an elevator.
-Unbelievable.
-Wow.
Now, your room won't be
ready for an hour.
We can hold your bags,
and you can take
a walk down
the one and only
Hollywood Boulevard.
-[OTTO LAUGHING]
-Oh, my goodness.
I can't wait.
Where do we even start?
Oh! I'll show you my list
of must-see destinations.
-GAIL: Okay.
-Here is a killer burger joint.
-GAIL: Mm!
-And the best coffee shop
this side of
the Mason-Dixon Line,
right here.
Now, if you wanna
do some shopping,
cosmetics, stuff for
around the house,
head here and ask them
to show you all
their different gums.
-GAIL: Ah.
-[GASPS] Or if...
[WHISPERS]
...getting your dick sucked...
[IN NORMAL VOICE] ...is more
your speed, head here,
go around back
behind the dumpster.
Ask for Glenn Stein.
He's the best.
Okay! Well, what the heck
are we waiting for?
-Yeah!
-[LAUGHING]
[OTTO SIGHS]
-OTTO: Mm.
-Mm!
[BOTH MOAN]
GAIL: Can you show us
your gums?
-[GASPS]
-OTTO: Wow.
-GAIL: Good luck.
-Okay.
-Ah!
-[CELL PHONE RINGING]
It's Tom. Should I pick up?
-Ew. Don't.
-I'll just say...
No, take your space.
There's really nothing to say.
GAIL: Hey, what do you want?
Hey, we need
to tell the caterers
by Monday if we're canceling.
Otherwise, we lose
our entire deposit.
It's a lot of money, Gail.
Well, maybe you should ask
your good friend
Jennifer Aniston.
She could afford to cover
the cost, I would think.
Yeah. Maybe she can cater it
with her pussy, Tom.
-You could just eat that.
-Yeah, eat that!
-Okay? Goodbye.
-No, don't...
-[LINE DISCONNECTS]
-I hung up on him.
Okay. That's my Gail.
-Gal. Girl. Good for you, doll.
-[LAUGHING]
-Yeah, good for me.
-[LAUGHS]
GAIL: Oh. This could be fun.
Do you wanna get
-a psychic reading?
-Mm...
-Why?
-I mean, I'm all for fun,
but it looks a little nasty,
-doesn't it?
-[SCOFFS]
Coming from a guy
who just got a blow job,
behind a dumpster in a puddle
of I don't know what.
For the record,
Glenn said that the puddle
was actually filtered water.
-Okay.
-But you know,
this psychic stuff,
it's all BS, right?
Yeah, if BS stands for
"Best Psychic." Come on.
-That would actually be "BP."
-[DOOR CHIME DINGS]
GAIL: Okay,
Mr. Harvard Law School.
OTTO: Hey, I wasn't
gonna play that card.
-[FIRE SIZZLING]
-[LAPTOP CHIMES]
[KNIFE THUDS]
Bingo-bango. There she is.
NICCOLO: Yeah, now we just
gotta study this photo
for clues as to
where it was taken.
Okay, all right, it's outside.
NICCOLO: Yeah,
it looks like Asia.
-SERGIO: Maybe Japan?
-Like the Far East.
Colorful. Spider-Man's there.
-Is that Superman?
-Yeah.
Okay, let's be real.
This is gonna take a while.
I better put on a pot of coffee.
Hi, I'm Gail...
-It's $20 in advance.
-Okay.
[BAG UNZIPS]
Uh, all I have is a ten
and two fives. Is that okay?
Yeah. That's a perfectly
legitimate way to make $20.
-Okay.
-Hmm.
-Now, I am looking at you...
-[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
...and I am listening
to your spirit.
And I am sensing that
something is on your mind.
Am I correct?
-[MUSIC STOPS]
-Oh, my God.
How did you know that?
It is my business to know.
-Hence the ten and two fives.
-[GASPS]
But I'd really
appreciate it if we could
put the money part of it aside.
Okay, well, I've been
trying to forget about this,
but you obviously keyed
into something.
I'm engaged to be married,
and I really, really
love my fiance, Tom.
But... something happened,
and I don't know what to do.
Let me connect with this.
Hmm.
I am sensing you
really do love this Tom.
Mm. And he loves you.
-How'd she figure that out?
-Shh.
-Otto!
-Sorry.
But... you each had
an agreement, yes?
To be able to have sex
with a certain celebrity,
given the opportunity.
Yes, exactly!
And Tom went too far
with Jennifer Aniston
in the back of a bookstore.
Yes. Wow. So what do I do?
You need to even the score.
Level the playing field.
If you are going to continue
your relationship with Tom,
you must have sex
with your celebrity crush.
Oh. [CHUCKLING]
Well, that's not gonna happen.
You don't think Jon Hamm
would find you attractive?
-I don't...
-[LAUGHING]
Damn! I mean,
20 bucks is a bargain, right?
GAIL: No, I don't...
I don't... I don't know.
It's just that sounds like
a pretty strange way to...
No. Even if I wanted to,
how would I find him?
You're in Hollywood.
Jon Hamm lives in Hollywood.
This sounds crazy.
Well, sometimes
the craziest problems
require the craziest solutions.
And sometimes, sister,
the craziest solutions...
are the most sane.
So, if I wanna repair
my relationship with Tom...
You must have sex
with Jon Hamm.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]
GAIL: I don't know, Otto.
Do you really think
that we should do this?
Why not?
Remember, Tom gave you
a free pass, too.
That's true.
But what about
the hair convention?
Oh, honestly,
I'm fine. I'm fine.
As long as
we get back in time
for Remy Fontaine's
Blow out Blow out.
I mean, conventions
come and go.
How many times do you
get to fuck Jon Hamm?
-[BUDDY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
-That's a good point.
But where would
we even start?
Twenty dollars, you will get
a map with the home addresses
of all the biggest stars
-in HollyWeird.
-OTTO: Yeah.
The only town in America where
if you want a cup of coffee,
you've got to make
an appointment
at the Creative Artists Agency.
-Hi. Excuse me, sir. I'm Gail.
-Hi, Gail.
We would like a map with
Jon Hamm's home address.
Are you kidding me, lady?
I got stars up the wazoo.
-Perfect.
-I got Johnny Carson.
I got Ed McMahon.
I got Doc Severinsen.
-You name it.
-Okay, how about Jon Hamm?
Ooh.
No. No, I don't have Jon Hamm.
In any other town,
I'd say check the phone book.
But in this town,
I'd say get yourself
an appointment
at the Creative Artists Agency.
OTTO: Hmm.
CHORUS: C-A-A
Hello, I'm Gail.
-Hi.
-GAIL: Hi.
We're here to see Jon Hamm.
Is he here?
-Oh. Well, no.
-[PA SYSTEM CHIMES]
-[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-But Jon Hamm's agent is
Mr. Leo Martin.
He's actually
a good bud of mine.
No, he's not.
You recharged
his car once, dipshit.
Ignore him. I can take
a message for Leo Martin.
-Who are you guys with?
-I'm with my friend Otto.
Aw. And I'm with my friend Gail.
-[CHUCKLES]
-[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
Okay, great.
I should be able to get this
to Leo's desk by Monday.
Oh. No, no, no. That's...
That's way too late.
-We'll be gone by then.
-Sorry.
That's... Thank you.
Appreciate it.
[GAIL SOBBING]
OTTO: Hey, we tried.
-But we were so close.
-I know.
GAIL: What are we
supposed to do?
OTTO: I don't wanna
see you cry.
Hey, guys.
As an agent-in-training,
I'm really good at
assessing situations.
And I can tell that you guys
really need to see
Jon Hamm before Monday.
-Yes.
-Yes. Yes, we have to.
We're only here for the weekend.
I had a celebrity free pass
thing with my fiance,
but he took it literally.
So now I need to
have sex with Jon Hamm
to even out the score
and save my relationship.
Gotcha. He did the deed.
Now you gotta do the do.
-Yes.
-Exactly.
GAIL: Can you
please help us?
[SNAPS FINGERS]
I'll tell you what.
You guys, come with me.
SERGIO: Excuse me.
-Let me ask you something.
-Can I ask you something?
-Have you seen this person?
-WOMAN: Not today.
Have you seen these two people?
Have you seen this person?
-Either of these two?
-No, I haven't.
-Sorry. No, I didn't see them.
-Charles Boyle.
I get that a lot.
Haven't seen them?
-Either one?
-Nope. I'm positive.
BUDDY: Oh, yeah,
I've seen those two.
-You have?
-Yeah.
-Where are they?
-Hell if I know.
I got a lot of people coming
through here all day long.
I can't keep a record of where
everybody's heading
next, you know?
It's all I can do
to keep track
of how many maps
I got in my pile here.
[CHUCKLES] I mean,
how... how many is it?
Two? Four? Ten?
I mean, it could even be nine.
But that's Hollywood for you.
That's what the, uh,
studio bean counters
over at Paramount Pictures
call "creative accounting."
Well, this is a waste of time.
Why don't we get some coffee?
Coffee? You wanna
get coffee in this town,
you're gonna need an appointment
at the Creative Artists Agency.
-SERGIO: Okay.
-Which, now that I think of it,
is exactly where
I told your friends to go.
CHORUS: C-A-A
Feast your eyes.
Welcome to the backrooms
of the entertainment
industry, friends,
where the real
decisions are made,
where entire careers
are hatched and destroyed
with a control-shift-delete
from this room.
-Wow.
-Hey, check this out.
CALEB: Robert from Shark Tank.
There's blood in the water.
How the hell are you?
When are we gonna
play golf, huh?
-Uh, please don't speak to me.
-You got it, Bobby Business.
Hey, check this out.
My mommy made them up for me.
I think they're pretty cool.
Gotta dream big
-in a place like this.
-I like that.
And someday, maybe it's not
gonna be CAA anymore.
It's gonna be CA and CA:
Creative Artists
and Caleb Agency.
I love that! [CHUCKLES]
But I'm just checking.
It's okay for us
to be back here?
Technically, no,
but in this business,
it's all about
exuding confidence.
You just fake it till
you make it. Watch this.
Hey, Megan. Whazzup?
What are you working on here?
-You got a lot of deals?
-No. Stop.
Don't touch
anything on my desk.
Big old deals?
Look, we need the 411 on one
-Mr. Jonathan Daniel Hamm.
-[DOOR OPENS]
Oh! Leo Martin!
There's my guy.
Fellas, this is Mr. Leo Martin,
agent to the stars.
You want guaranteed
backend points,
you talk to this guy.
Hi. Caleb. I charged
your car on the 29th.
Nothing? No?
Well, this beautiful
bag of bones is Gail,
and this knucklehead is Otto.
Now, Gail over here
needs to do the nasty
with Mr. Jon Hamm ASAP.
Believe me, it is all on
the up and up, Mr. Martin, sir.
Yeah, don't worry.
We're not like
crazy-stalker fans
or anything like that.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So, what do you say?
I am so, so sorry
that we got you fired.
[SIGHS] I am literally
so stupid.
I'm literally so stupid
for thinking that
I could be an agent.
I just don't have
the mentality for it!
And what am I gonna
tell my mommy? [SOBBING]
-Um...
-Ask him.
-[SNIFFLING, SOBBING]
-Caleb, is there any way
that you could just
drop us off at the hotel?
-[GROANS] Yeah.
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
-CALEB: I could do that.
Or I could give you a lift
straight to
Mr. Jon Hamm's house
because I swiped the address
from Megan's desk.
Caleb, you beautiful
son of a bitch.
-GAIL: What?
-Yeah!
-Are you kidding me?
-[ALL LAUGHING]
You tired?
Yeah. I'm always tired.
Always tired, yeah.
This is it,
Creative Artists Agency.
I thought it would
be a little, uh...
-[GAIL WHOOPING]
-...fancier or something.
It's the parking garage.
GAIL: Yay!
NICCOLO: Wait a minute.
-That's her. That's her!
-[ENGINE ACCELERATING]
SERGIO: That's her? Hey! Hey!
-Wait...
-I'm not gonna run after a car.
What the... You nuts?
There's a stop sign up there.
-Then you run after the car.
-Fine!
Okay. No. Screw it.
I'm not gonna run after the car.
No, you're not gonna
run after the car.
-We're parked this way.
-Okay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
-OTTO: Oh, wow! Okay.
-[CALEB CHUCKLES]
-[CALEB CHUCKLES]
-We should be quiet.
Well, what are you
waiting for, Gail? Buzz him.
Buzz him? I hardly know him.
[ALL LAUGHING]
"Buzz him. I hardly know him."
-[LAUGHING]
-We're too funny.
Hilarious jokes aside,
do you think
celebrities normally
let in strangers
with sex requests?
OTTO: Mm.
That's a good point.
I think we need to get you
on the other side of that gate
so that Hamm Dog
can see you face-to-face.
Mm-hmm. Then
he'll have to fuck you.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
I have an idea.
Take your clothes off.
-I got your butt!
-[GROANS]
GAIL: Oh, shoot.
OTTO: Whoa!
-GAIL: Nice and slow.
-[GROANS]
-CALEB: I got a foothold.
-Okay.
OTTO: Just climb over
and we'll slowly
-lower you down.
-GAIL: We got you.
OTTO: Wait, wait, wait!
[GROANING]
-[CALEB GROANING WEAKLY]
-OTTO: Whoops.
-You good?
-Ow!
-But yes, I am good.
-GAIL: Okay!
See? Nothing a little
clothes rope won't fix.
Turns out it was unlocked.
OTTO: Look at this place. Wow.
CALEB: Jon Hamm's
done well for himself.
-Wait. How do I look?
-Oh, fabulous.
And that is my
professional opinion.
[CALEB CHUCKLES]
-WEIRD AL: Excuse me!
-[GOLF CART WHIRRING]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
WEIRD AL: Excuse me.
Who are you?
You're "Weird Al" Yankovic.
-[CALEB GASPS]
-Maybe.
Uh, you live with Jon Hamm?
No. I bought this house
from him, like, a year ago.
-You guys know Jon?
-Not exactly.
Well, how exactly
did you get in here?
We made a clothes rope.
-[LAUGHING] Of course!
-Out of our clothes.
[GAIL LAUGHING]
Told you guys
it was a good idea.
You know... [SIGHS]
funny thing
about Hollywood.
-What's he doing?
-What is he gonna...
People think it's a parody.
Like we're all just
playing pretend.
Except when it comes
to defending our property.
What are we gonna do?
Well, well, well.
Gail and her friends
are in a real pickle now.
How are they gonna
get out of this one?
[MUFFLED] They need
a clever solution,
and they need it fast.
Well, sometimes the best idea
is the same idea you had
a few minutes ago.
I have an idea.
-Quick, take off your clothes.
-Okay!
WEIRD AL: You people think
just because you bought a ticket
to one of my concerts,
you have the right
to invade my sanctuary?
Now! Suck it!
CALEB: My pants!
OTTO: Sweater!
GAIL: Shirt!
CALEB: More pants!
-[GRUNTING]
-Run!
[GROANS]
[SCREAMING]
WEIRD AL: I'm coming for you!
[SCREAMING]
[CALEB PANTING]
[GAIL PANTING]
[ALL PANTING]
GAIL: You okay?
-VINCENT: Hey!
-[ALL SCREAM]
This is my goddamn tree!
Find your own goddamn tree!
Who are you?
Who am I? Eat me out.
That's who I am.
I've been camped
out here for two days
trying to get a picture
of "Weird Al" Yankovic,
and you guys
are blowing my cover!
So sorry.
We really didn't mean...
Aha! There you are!
-[GUN COCKING]
-Run! Run!
-WEIRD AL: Eat it!
-Run! Run!
-[GUNSHOTS]
-Eat it!
WEIRD AL: Get yourself
an egg and beat it!
-[GUNFIRE]
-[ALL PANTING]
-Goddamn it!
-Hey! Hey!
Sorry! We did not mean
to horn in on your project.
Really, really sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry, I...
I didn't mean to be so hostile.
I... I... I'm not mad at you.
-GAIL: Huh?
-I'm mad at me.
-I'm mad at this guy right here.
-GAIL: Oh.
Well, you know what?
We played a part
in creating that situation,
and for that we apologize,
-right, guys?
-GAIL: We do. We were all
very, very stressed
-out back there.
-Yeah.
Please don't patronize me.
I know what people
think of paparazzi.
You know, that
they're these heartless,
bottom-feeding scumbags
who don't take a shower.
And, um...
that's why I try so hard
-to be a nice guy, you know?
-[DOG BARKS DISTANTLY]
And then I just blow
my gasket one time,
and all that hard work
is shot to shit.
Goddamn it!
-[CALEB SQUIRMS]
-Please don't beat yourself up.
-Ah. Oh.
-[ENGINE REVVING]
My car! No!
I'm so stupid!
This is just great.
This is just great.
It's like, you know,
"Oh. Oh, hi, Mommy.
"I'm just calling to let you
know that my car got towed,
"and I got fired today.
"How was your day? Was it good?
"Did you go to
the hip-hop class? Was it fun?
"Or did you feel too old
and leave halfway through?"
Come here.
Come here. It's okay.
But hey, look on
the bright side.
We got to meet
"Weird Al" Yankovic.
-Yeah! That's pretty cool, huh?
-Right? [CHUCKLING]
And who was
that other man?
I... I think that
was Penn Jillette.
VINCENT: No shit.
OTTO: Not sure why, but yeah.
-GAIL: See?
-But hey, Gail, I mean,
with no car, how are we
supposed to find Jon Hamm?
Wait.
Did you say Jon Hamm?
Yes. I need to find him
and sleep with him by Sunday.
-Why?
-Hamm...
is my Holy Grail.
VINCENT: 2007,
I was a wet-behind-the-ears
beat photographer
at People magazine. I was
-the new kid on the block.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
-But I was good. Real good.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Any celeb you name,
I tracked them down and I got
the perfect candid shot.
EDITOR: What do you
got for me?
I got Banks
beaching in Baja.
EDITOR: Banks in Baja?
VINCENT: I got Paris
pounding a pastrami.
Spears spelunking in Spain.
Lohan lounging in Lisbon.
Cruise caroling at Christmas.
Tara tanning topless in Tulum.
Beyonce basking in Barbados.
Mary-Kate meditating
in Marrakesh.
I got Schreiber
walking his dog.
Yes! [CHUCKLING]
VINCENT: I was on fire.
I never once failed.
Around the office
they called me
"Mr. Always Gets His Shot,
"Even When
It's a Hard Shot to Get."
It was a mouthful, but it was
an accurate description.
-Take a look at this.
-VINCENT: And then one day,
my editor gave me
a no-brainer assignment.
Get a candid shot of the star
of the new hot show Mad Men.
An actor I hadn't heard of
by the name of Jon Hamm.
Little did I know he would
become my white whale.
-He eluded me.
-SECURITY GUARD: Hey, hey.
-No paparazzi. Move.
-Hey, come on!
VINCENT: Time after time...
Fuck!
...day after day,
-night after night.
- [GRUNTS]
The deadline had come,
and I had no clue
what I was gonna do.
But then...
-Hmm?
-[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Talk to me.
He's there right now?
...a hot tip.
And this time, I wasn't
gonna let him get away.
And there he was,
my white male whale.
I got you, you son of a bitch!
This was my moment
to lock in my identity
as Mr. Always Gets His Shot,
Even Though it's...
It was a Hard...
Or something like that.
-I hit the button.
- [BUTTON CLICKS]
But then... nothing.
No film!
[BREATH TREMBLING]
And he was gone.
Things spiraled after that.
Drugs, alcohol, gambling.
Lost my job.
Started living out of my car.
Sold my hair for wigs.
[CHUCKLES] It wasn't long
after that I started...
selling my wigs for hair.
But the truth is, I lost
more than my job that day.
I lost something in here.
Yeah, I still freelance
for a few bucks these days,
but it's been a long time
since the days of Mr. Always
Gets His Shot Even When He...
[STAMMERING]
Uh, fuck.
What was it again?
Even When It Was
a Hard Shot to Get.
Yeah. Something like that.
But now, these days...
I always carry a spare roll
-of film with me. [CHUCKLES]
-GAIL: Mm.
But everything's
digital now.
It's a reminder, Jacko!
To never leave
what's important behind.
-GAIL: Mm-hmm.
-Ah.
Anyway, that's
my long story short.
[GASPING]
Wasn't that short of a story.
I thought it was
a great story, uh...
-Vincent.
-Nice to meet you, Vincent.
My name is Gail.
This is Otto and Caleb.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Hey, this might sound crazy,
but we could really, really
use your know-how
in terms of tracking down
celebrities. Would you...
wanna come with us
to find Jon Hamm?
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Well, well, well.
The white whale "weturns."
-What?
-[SNAPS FINGERS] "Wet's woll."
-[ALL LAUGHING]
-OTTO: hey. Yes!
-Let's go.
-GAIL: This is exciting.
VINCENT: Hey, we're skipping.
Look at us. We're skipping.
[OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[PIANO PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-My case?
-Oh, um...
-Not much luck.
-Yet.
But we have some
very good leads.
[PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING]
So, you came here to tell me
that you don't have my case?
Uh, yeah... Yes, that we did.
And also that
we're a little bit hungry,
so we thought
when in Rome...
-themed restaurant.
-LUDOVICA: Oh.
Sit.
I'm good.
I had a snack earlier.
Sergio.
-Sergio, Sergio, Sergio.
-[CHUCKLING] Thank you.
That's silly.
Oh! Look at this.
-Thank you.
-LUDOVICA: You're hungry.
So maybe you just need to eat!
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
[PIANO TEMPO INCREASES]
[SERGIO STRAINING, SCREAMING]
LUDOVICA: Come on,
everybody.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY]
[MUFFLED SCREAMING,
CHOKING]
No, I love Baja.
Don't you remember?
People magazine had
those photos of me in 2007.
[INHALES SHARPLY] I'm not really
feeling Italian all of a sudden.
Let's go to that
Thai place near you.
Okay.
[GASPING]
[SERGIO EXHALES SHARPLY]
Anyone else is hungry?
-No!
-We gotta go get the case.
-We'll get the case.
-Bravi.
Bravi, little monkeys, bravi.
-Find that fucking case!
-[OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHEELS RATTLING]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
CALEB: Our luggage.
Come in!
Bobby Snaps.
Hey, man,
it's Vincent. [LAUGHING]
I'm gonna cut to
the CliffsNotes.
I'm in the market for
a Mr. Jonathan Hamm.
Uh, excuse me, sir,
we were actually supposed
to have two beds.
I can bring a rollaway,
if that would work.
Thank you! [LAUGHS] Wait.
Let me give you a tip.
I don't wanna be on
the wrong side of history.
[GASPS] Oh, no.
I used all my cash earlier.
Can I use my credit card?
You can use a credit card
for anything these days.
Only in LA.
-Otto?
-OTTO: Yeah?
How much should
I tip him? Like 75 cents?
-These guys live on their tips.
-Okay.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
-Thanks.
-GAIL: Anytime.
[SIGHS] Anything?
NICCOLO: Nothing.
[EXHALES] She's a goddamn ghost.
[BEEPING]
Oh, wait.
-[SERGIO GASPS]
-Sometimes even a ghost
has to come up for air.
Bingo-bango!
We got you, Gail Daughtry!
Got you!
[BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Got you! We got you!
VINCENT: Are you sure
he's there? You sure?
All right, he's there right now?
-GAIL: What?
-Okay. Thanks, man!
Thank you, man! [SCREAMS]
Uh, who's ready to meet
a Mr. Jonathan
Daniel Hamm? [LAUGHING]
No way! No way!
I'm ready to do
a lot more than meet him!
[WHOOPING]
Oh! Ew!
-Wait, wait, do you get it?
-Yeah.
Okay, I gotta get dressed.
I gotta do my hair.
What? Okay.
Hey, what are we doing here?
We have to hit the road now.
We don't wanna miss him.
Okay, bring your
hair stuff with you.
We'll get you all dolled up
-on the way.
-Okay.
Yep. I think this is it.
-Yeah. Over here.
-[GAIL GASPS]
GAIL: Oh, I forgot
to do my hair!
Oh, don't worry about it.
You look great.
That's my professional opinion.
Oh, Otto, what would
I do without you?
-My guess is you'd be dead.
-[CHUCKLES]
GAIL: Huh.
MAN: Fuck you!
GAIL: This is not
where I thought
a big-time movie
star would live.
I think he should fire
his business manager.
-[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
-[SIREN WAILING]
Wait, that's Jon Hamm?
No, that's John Slattery.
He co-starred with Jon Hamm
on Mad Men, remember?
Right! He played
Roger Sterling. Cool!
But I thought we were
going to Jon Hamm's house.
Hey, this guy is
a hell of a lot closer
to Jon Hamm than
any of us are, okay?
I don't see anybody here
with Hamm's number on their
phone computers, do you?
-No one's saying that...
-Who says "phone computer"?
Otto, are you good friends
with Jon Hamm? No, you're not.
Caleb, are you Jon Hamm's
personal fuck buddy?
-What? No.
-No, I don't think so, okay?
This is a lead!
What I do every day
is to find celebrities,
and this is how I do it!
Okay, fine. You're right.
We're sorry. Just calm down.
If it's a dead end,
it's a dead end, okay?
Sure, John Slattery hasn't had
an acting job in over a decade,
but he worked with
Jon Hamm for years, okay?
So what are we
gonna do? Not try?
I'm just saying, like, maybe
we could take it down a notch.
How about you
take it down a notch?
Vincent. Vincent,
look at me! Look at me!
How about you stop?
You think...
We're all on the same team!
Now, I need you to
keep it together.
Okay. I'm sorry, it's just that
these two do-do-do's
are pushing my buttons.
-What did you just call me?
-It's okay.
[VOICE SHAKING] I'm sorry.
I've just been through so much.
GAIL: I totally get it.
But we gotta keep
our eyes on the prize.
Which is slippin'
Hamm's D into Gail's V.
Right.
-[SLATTERY GRUNTING]
-[PUNCHING BAG THUDDING]
-Uh, hello? Hi.
-[SCREAMS]
-Stop!
-Whoa.
I have the legal right to defend
myself against trespassers.
No, no, no, we're not
trespassers. We just want...
California Penal Code
section 602 would disagree.
Entry onto the
property of another
without permission
is trespassing.
I therefore have the legal
right to kick your ass
and take names never.
-[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
-[YELLING]
-[GROANS]
-Oh!
[FARTING]
Ow, ow, ow.
-GAIL: Oops.
-Just take it. Take everything.
The key to the safe is in
the pantry in a fake soup can.
[FARTING] Ow!
I... I think
it's the beef barley.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
[SOBBING] Please,
just please don't hurt me.
No, no, we're...
we're not here to hurt you.
What are you talking about?
You just did!
What'd you do that for?
I wasn't doing anything to you.
I was just trying
to scare you.
I'm so sorry.
It was just self-defense.
Well, what are you doing
sneaking up on me
when I'm in a meeting?
With who?
A commitment to one's self is
as important a meeting as any.
GAIL: Okay, the truth is,
we're here because my fiance's
celebrity free pass
was Jennifer Aniston,
and he did it.
So now I need to find
my celebrity pass, Jon Hamm.
[GROANS]
-Should have guessed.
-Can you help us find him?
Yeah, I could. But I won't.
Okay. I understand.
[CHUCKLING] You're not
the first person
to come to me with
this kind of a request.
Everybody wants
a dicking from J.D.H.
Back in the day,
we used to split up the spoils.
Sure. Golden Globes
after-party, 2007?
-Forget it. [CHUCKLING]
-Uh-huh.
These days... [SNIFFLES]
Tell you what I will do.
Have your friends walk around
the block and I'll doink you.
That's got to still be
worth something, right?
For God's sake,
I was in
the seventh greatest
show of all time,
according to
Rolling Stone magazine.
And it would have
been number one
if it weren't for
Seinfeld, Fleabag,
Breaking Bad, The Wire,
The Simpsons, and The Sopranos.
But I don't see
Homer Simpson
standing here ready
to whip it out,
so, uh, what do you say?
You wanna finalize
this freak-fest?
That's a very sweet
offer, Mr. Slattery.
You're goddamn right it is.
But it's not what
I'm looking for.
Okay.
If your friends wanna stay
and watch, that's fine,
but they have to
hide in the closet,
and they can't make a lot
of noise. It throws me off.
Uh, this is a dead end.
Let's get out of here.
-Thank you.
-I'm sorry to bother you.
Yeah, fine.
I wasn't into you either.
I'll tell you something,
sweet cheeks,
I like my women like
I like my men, chunky as fuck.
-CALEB: What?
-I said good day!
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[GRUNTS]
Knock your face right off.
See? There it is on the floor.
What are you gonna do now?
You got your face on the floor.
CALEB: Wait, guys.
Let me take
a swing at this one.
[BLOWS THUDDING]
[SLATTERY GRUNTING]
[SNIFFS]
Mr. Slattery.
California Penal Code
section 602. Go away.
Orville and Wilbur.
-What?
-The Wright brothers.
They invented the airplane.
Yeah. No duh.
What about it?
What about it?
They were brothers, John.
They were partners.
They were equals.
They made something
great together,
and it was a massive hit.
The airplane was
a blockbuster.
But what happened
to the brothers?
Orville, well,
he's a hero, isn't he?
He's in the history books.
But as for Wilbur... [SCOFFS]
...he just couldn't handle
the heat, could he?
He didn't have the courage.
So, what did he do?
He resigned himself
to being a footnote,
a trivia question,
wasting away the final
precious years of his life
punching a bag in a garage.
You see the connection
that I'm making, John?
-I'm Orville?
-You're Wilbur.
Okay, then yes,
I see the connection clearly.
John...
watching you give
that there bag a "what for,"
I can see that the fire
still burns in your belly.
So, I just have
one question for you.
Are you gonna spend
the rest of your life
believing that you're
the wrong Wright brother?
Or are you gonna
start to believe
that deep down inside,
there can be two
right Wright brothers?
[CALEB CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Am I right, brother?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
VINCENT: So, long story short,
I keep the roll of film
as a reminder.
SLATTERY: Wasn't that
short a story.
Now, how do we find Hamm?
First thing we should do
is call his agent at CAA.
Uh, we tried that.
Yeah, that ship has sailed.
Oh! Uh, I... I know
he's got a house in Bel-Air.
Sold it a year ago.
I thought you
were still friends.
Yeah, we're still friends.
We're just both busy.
So, we text mostly nowadays.
Wait, let me see.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES]
-[CHUCKLES]
-What is it?
It doesn't...
You won't get it.
Okay, you know,
go up here to Sunset.
OTTO: Are you sure
he still lives here?
How long ago was that text?
-Six months ago.
-[SCOFFING] Okay.
Super helpful.
Hey, perhaps, Otto, you can
come up with a better idea
before you choke
the life out of this one,
like your dick on
a lonely Saturday night!
-GAIL: Hey, hey!
-You wanna go? Let's go!
-I'm not afraid of you!
-Come on! Come on, come on!
Hey, look. Look, look, look.
There it is.
The Chateau Marmont.
Wow. It's more beautiful
than I even imagined
when I first heard about
this place 30 minutes ago.
Come on!
Hello, I'm Gail.
-RECEPTIONIST: Hi.
-Is Jon Hamm here?
We don't give out
that kind of information.
Okay, I think it's time
to drop the neutron bomb.
-Here we go. Hello.
-Hello.
-I'm John Slattery.
-I know who you are.
-Oh, well, okay.
-[ALL CHUCKLING]
Now we're cooking.
So, give us the 411.
What's the deal with my boy
Jonny Hammer Sticks?
Can't help you. Hotel policy.
Wow. She's tough.
I'm out of moves.
-CALEB: Yeah, she's good.
-It's all right.
You did literally everything
that you could.
Front desk. How may I help you?
One order of pineapple
coconut pancakes to Room 203.
-Right away, sir.
-Stop.
Hammer time.
GAIL: Well, that's 203, okay.
Do you wanna knock?
SLATTERY: No, you knock.
GAIL: Okay.
-Can I help you?
-Hi. We're here to see Jon Hamm.
Do you have an appointment?
-No, but I'm, uh, John...
-Slattery! Yeah, I know.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
-Hey. What's up, man?
-SLATTERY: Hey, hi.
Respect to the work, bro.
I really appreciate it.
-Oh, thank you, man. Thank you.
-Nice to meet you. Yeah.
All right, y'all have
a good day.
-GAIL: Wait, no. No, come back.
-Wait. Wait.
SLATTERY: Wait. Ow!
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
-GAIL: Oh! Ow!
-Move. Move out the way.
-Ow! Ow!
-Ow! Ow!
-[GAIL CONTINUES EXCLAIMING]
Slat-man!
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
-Move!
-VINCENT: Stop! Stop it!
-Ow! Ow!
[GAIL EXCLAIMING]
-What are you doing?
-Ow!
-Stop doing that! No!
-Ow! Ow!
Stop it!
-SLATTERY: Ow! Ow!
-[ALL CLAMORING]
-Please stop. Just stop.
-[CONTINUES YELLING]
Ow! Ow! Hey, Jon Hamm!
-[GRUNTS]
-[ALL EXCLAIM]
What the heck?
Why did you have to
hit him like that, mister?
I'm gonna do a hell
of a lot worse than that
if you don't march
y'all asses out of here.
Worse than hitting
him in the face?
-What are you gonna do to him?
-I'm gonna make him very sick.
-What? How?
-Enough questions.
Unless you want me to
make you all very, very sick.
Just hear us out, okay?
I can explain very quickly.
The bullet points
are celebrity free pass.
My fiance's was Aniston.
Mine is Hamm.
He did it. I didn't,
and I need to.
I understand completely.
And I sympathize
with your situation.
So, I'm not gonna
make you all sick.
But I can't let you in.
Now get out of here before
I change my mind
and make you all real sick.
[SNIFFLES]
Well, nobody wants to
get sick, right, fellas?
No, I definitely don't
wanna get sick.
I just got over something.
-Okay. Let's get out of here.
-SLATTERY: Jesus.
GAIL: I don't know,
maybe this whole idea,
me thinking that
having sex with Jon Hamm
would solve my relationship,
is just ridiculous. It's stupid.
Just an utterly
pointless premise.
It's like, why?
No, Gail, no.
We're too far into
this thing to give up now.
Yeah, Gail.
John Slattery is right.
If we work together as a team,
we can accomplish
literally anything.
Don't worry, Gail,
somehow we'll get you in there.
He's right.
And then we're gonna
get him in there.
Aw! Guys. I know
we all just met today,
but it really feels like
we've known each other
for over a week.
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]
-Hey.
-Oh!
I wanted to catch you
before you left.
When I said
I sympathized with you,
I didn't tell you
the exact truth.
The truth is, I more than
sympathize with you.
I empathize with you.
Which is very different.
Look it up.
Okay.
TERRENCE: On your phone.
Look it up.
GAIL: Uh...
Oh!
-So you're saying that...
-That's right.
[SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Her name was Rebecca.
We were in Mexico.
Rebecca loved bullfights.
I hated them, but I loved her.
Then, chaos.
Bull jumps the fence,
heads right for Rebecca.
I pull her away,
but she's wearing red.
It's over in seconds.
I slip on something.
It's Rebecca's liver.
-[GAIL GASPS]
-Jesus Christ!
Yeah. So, yeah, I empathize with
what you're going through.
That's actually quite different
from Gail's situation.
Okay, maybe it is
that I sympathize
more than empathize.
Bottom line, whether it's a free
celebrity pass taken too far
or an out-of-control bull
disemboweling my Rebecca,
I know what it's like
when someone
comes between you
and the one you love.
So, I went ahead
and I talked to
-Mr. Hamm on your behalf.
-GAIL: What?
You did? What did he say?
He's on the lookout
for his next film project.
He said if you guys
could bring him
a great movie idea
for him to star in,
one that electrifies audiences
but also speaks
to Jon personally,
then he promises he'll help
you with whatever you need.
Whatever we need?
Wait, so we have to
pitch him a film idea?
No, more than just an idea.
He needs
a fully fleshed-out story.
And of course, I come
on board as a producer.
I gotta get enough money to help
Rebecca with a proper burial.
-Wait, she's not buried yet?
-TERRENCE: Not yet.
-Where is she now?
-Listen, stay in your lane.
Guys, I think we could
come up with something
really great if we put
our heads together.
I don't know how
we're gonna come up
with a whole movie idea
before we go home.
I didn't say
it was gonna be easy.
Any ideas?
No. I'm still thinking
about the liver.
Yeah.
How about something about,
um, like a dog or something?
No, that's already been done.
Marley & Me?
Oh, yeah. Right.
Damn it. God, it is
such a good idea.
If it wasn't for fucking
Marley & Me!
Okay, okay. How about, uh...
Ugh, I can't get Otto's
dog idea out of my head.
-I know.
-I know we can't
'cause of Marley & Me,
but it was, like,
-the exact perfect idea.
-It was.
Also, I can't think of
anything original
because I'm starving.
I have a protein bar in
my case in the back seat.
-Do you want it?
-Yes, please. I'm dying.
VINCENT: Yeah.
I'll take a protein bar.
GAIL: Want one too?
SLATTERY: I want two.
Oh!
What about a cat?
-Is the cat's name Marley?
-GAIL: Yes, of course.
Then technically,
it's still Marley & Me.
-GAIL: How?
-Is it supposed to be locked?
No, it's probably
just jammed.
Okay. Hi-ya!
-OTTO: Garfield.
-Still got it.
GAIL: Ugh,
I hate Mondays!
OTTO: This is tough.
SLATTERY: Uh...
I don't see any
protein bars in here.
-GAIL: What?
-Just a bunch of papers.
-[GASPS] This isn't my case.
-VINCENT: What?
SLATTERY: "Top secret."
What the heck is this?
-United States Patent Office.
-What the hell is that?
OTTO: Whoa!
GAIL: I don't know.
I feel weird about this.
Are you sure that we should
be looking at this stuff?
It's somebody else's property.
It feels weird.
Guys, I have read
a lot of screenplays
over my many months at CAA.
This beats them all.
It's got violence and intrigue
and espionage
and double identities.
I mean, the fate of the whole
damn world's at stake.
-So, what are you saying?
-I'm saying,
you plop Jon Hamm
into this story,
it writes itself.
This is our movie pitch.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're saying we're gonna
turn these files
into a movie pitch?
Caleb's right.
These are real-life details
that you just couldn't make up.
I mean, all we have
to do is just
shape them just a tiny bit.
Hey, Vincent, you sound like
a professional screenwriter.
[LAUGHS] Doesn't he?
-You do.
-He does.
Well, funny you
say that, you know,
because I originally
came to Hollywood
to become a screenwriter.
-What?
-Yeah.
But then I had
five mouths to feed,
so I had to give
that up tout suite.
-Wait, you have five kids?
-VINCENT: Yeah.
They're all starting
college this year.
Wait, Vincent,
you should be the one
to write our Jon Hamm vehicle.
You should.
And Caleb,
if you sell it to him
with the same chutzpah that
you are showing us right now,
I know that
he is going to love it.
I mean, yeah,
and... and John Slattery,
I feel like you'd be perfect
to play one of the parts.
-Oh, my gosh. Yes.
-Really?
-Can you do an Italian accent?
-Yes!
Well, no, but...
I've got an English accent
that's not too bad.
Care for a spot of tea?
No, thanks. I've got
a tummy ache, haven't I?
[ALL LAUGHING, EXCLAIMING]
Me Japanese accent's
not too bad either,
don't you know?
Okay, well, I say we go pitch
Jon Hamm right now, huh?
Hold on a second.
We still need to tighten
and mold and put a spit shine
on this pitch before
it is ready for prime time.
[VOICES OVERLAPPING]
SLATTERY: You guys
gonna eat the rest of this?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[CONVERSATIONS OVERLAPPING]
-Are you kidding me? [LAUGHS]
-SLATTERY: Right?
-Oh, my God.
-SLATTERY: Whoa.
-What happened?
-What the heck?
SLATTERY: You guys
didn't leave it like this?
-GAIL: No.
-[OTTO GASPS]
-Hello, Gail...
-Daughtry.
-[ALL EXCLAIMING]
-Oh, my God.
Do you have any idea
how much turmoil
you've caused in our life?
NICCOLO: They have no idea.
[SIGHS] Okay. Give us the case
and we'll be out of your hair.
Okay. Be cool.
Give him the case.
GAIL: [WHISPERS] Wait,
then we have no movie pitch.
Wait, hold on. Slattery...
I'm gonna distract them,
and you attack them.
No, no, no, I've never
actually fought a real person.
-I will throw up.
-Hey!
I'm gonna start to shoot soon.
And you don't want that.
-[RETCHES] Sorry.
-[GAIL GASPS]
Okay. You got one
roller bed coming right...
-Oh, my God.
-SERGIO: Who's this guy?
-[YELLS]
-Hey, smile.
-[SHUTTER CLICKING RAPIDLY]
-[ALL YELLING]
[YELLS, GRUNTS]
-[ALL EXCLAIM]
-Run. Run!
[ALL CLAMORING]
SERGIO: I can't see!
SERGIO: Come on!
NICCOLO: All right!
[YELLS, GRUNTS]
Run!
Down the stairs!
[ALL PANTING]
[BOTH PANTING]
SERGIO: Give me that case.
[CROWD YELLING]
EMCEE: Welcome to
the Blow out Blow out.
Here is your whip curl king,
Remy Fontaine!
Do you miss me?
[CROWD CHEERING]
EMCEE: Make some
noise for Remy!
Who wants a whip curl?
You? You?
I see 'em!
I think I see 'em.
-[ALL YELLING]
-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
EMCEE: Grip it, flip it
and whip it.
REMY: You just got fingered.
Remy!
I took a little
bit of ketamine.
So this is
a bit frightening.
I love you, I love you,
give me a kiss.
GAIL: [GASPS] It's Remy.
OTTO: Not right now, honey.
Oh! There. The exit. Let's go.
-Okay.
-Go, go, go, go!
OTTO: Wait, hold on.
GAIL: Otto, what are you doing?
-Trust me.
-EMCEE: Remy loves you.
Be sure to show
your love for Remy
at the merchandise table.
Did everyone sign up
for the meet and greet?
I don't know what the fuck
this is. Go that way.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
EMCEE: Whip it good.
Whip it real good.
VINCENT: No, no, no. Gail. Otto!
SLATTERY: Otto. Gail.
-EMCEE: It's whip curl madness.
-Vincent!
Caleb!
-Gail!
-Otto!
John Slattery!
EMCEE: I want to
whip my curls in it.
OTTO: Gail, we gotta go.
EMCEE: Give it up for Remy...
Oh, my God. He's got a gun.
[CROWD SCREAMING]
-Found you.
-Go, go. Go, go, go.
[PANTING] Uh... Okay.
-NICCOLO: Enough!
-[BOTH SCREAM]
Stop running.
-I'm tired. Hand it over.
-OTTO: Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, don't shoot.
We can work this out.
No, no, no.
There's nothing to work out.
-Goodbye, Gail Daughtry.
-No, no, no.
[GUNSHOT]
-[GAIL SCREAMING]
-[BULLET CLINKS]
-[BODY THUDS]
-[BOTH YELL]
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-[PANTING]
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, yeah.
[STAMMERS] The metal plate
in my head saved my life.
-Who are these people?
-SERGIO: Get back here.
Oh!
Niccolo!
[GASPS] Niccolo.
Oh, no. Niccolo.
It was an accident, I swear.
I don't know how it happened.
-I'm so, so, so sorry.
-You.
You know what?
I can cause accidents, too.
Get ready to burn in...
[SCREAMS]
-[SIZZLING]
-Oh!
You mess with my show,
you're gonna get burned.
-[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
-Literally.
-[BODY THUDS]
-[BLOWS]
[CAT SCREECHES]
[GASPS] That's the
Fontaine 3XL, isn't it?
Yes. They are. [CHUCKLES]
You know, they say that dog
is a man's best friend? Yeah?
-GAIL: Yeah.
-I say this, too,
but this curling iron is also
a very good friend of...
-[BOTH EXCLAIM]
-REMY: Oh!
-Oh!
-[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
-[GAIL SHRIEKS]
-[MAN] Give me that.
[GAIL AND OTTO GRUNTING]
-Go, go, go! Let's go!
-[TIRES SCREECH]
Hey, sorry, we got
held up a little bit...
Whoa. Oh.
This is a classic case
of two guys on the ground.
[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
[VULTURE SCREECHES]
[WIND BLOWING]
[BOTH GASPING]
Where are we? Who are you?
What do you want from us?
Wait. No, no, no.
Please, come back.
No, no, no, come back.
Come back!
-Come back!
-[SHUSHES]
What, are they gonna kill us?
I don't know.
I don't want to die.
Me neither.
Wait. Otto.
Yeah?
I just remembered...
-I can pop my ankle out.
-Huh?
-Okay, do it. Do it.
-Okay.
[STRAINING]
-[CRACKS]
-Did you do it?
Yeah.
But it didn't
achieve anything,
so I'm gonna pop it
back in, okay?
Okay. Yeah.
-Pop it back in. Do it.
-It hurts.
[STRAINING] Ow.
[BOTH SIGH]
Oh, Gail.
I'm so sorry I talked you
into coming to
Los Angeles with me.
Otto, don't do that.
You've been my most consistent,
my most... loving, loyal friend
ever since my parents'
double suicide.
And as I've said to
you before, you know,
I could never presume
to understand
what it is you've gone through.
I mean, to find
your mother and father
in your bed like that.
-And on your birthday, no less.
-Yeah.
But all I can do is
be your friend.
No matter what.
Until the end.
-[GRUNTS]
-[OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Gail Daughtry.
Hairdresser.
Finally, we meet.
Flawless face to flawless face.
Who are you?
Where are we?
Perhaps you
recognize this saloon
from the movie
Blood on the Wagon.
I'm sorry, I don't.
I'm more into, like,
black-and-white Holocaust shit.
Abandoned years ago.
A ghost town movie set.
The irony of building
the New World financial order
from the ruins of
fake American mythology
makes me so hard.
At first, I thought you were
a hired operative.
-But no.
-Mm-mmm.
You are just a girl from Kansas
that showed up in my city
trying to do
I don't know what.
Have sex with Jon Hamm.
Oh, like a celebrity pass thing?
-GAIL: Exactly.
-Good luck with that.
Oh, thank you.
-Thank you so much.
-[OTTO LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
-Kill her.
-Mm-hmm.
Wait, what?
What did she just say?
-And her little friend, too.
-No, no, no, no, no, please.
SERGIO: Let's do this.
GAIL: Please, not Otto!
[STRAINING]
[CHOKING]
Stop!
Who the fuck
is Remy Fontaine?
[COUGHS]
He's king of
the whip curl. [WHEEZES]
And then, I said to him,
"Uh, if you mess with my show,
you're gonna get burned.
"Uh, literally." It just...
It just seemed like
something to say.
-A catchphrase.
-[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Your friends tell me you have
something that is mine.
Who is this? What friends?
Is this like camp friends?
Is this Lieberman?
Caleb, do whatever she says.
She's gonna kill us.
Lieberman, I swear to God,
if this is one of your bits
it's not even that funny because
I actually have some friends
who are in legitimate
danger right now.
Caleb, it's Gail!
Bring my reports to 25933
Sand Canyon Way,
Santa Clarita,
California, 91387.
And bring them within the hour.
-If not, your friends will die!
-[WHIMPERS]
Well, either Lieberman's
upped his game dramatically,
or Gail and Otto are in
really significant danger.
-We have to go to that address.
-Hey, wait.
Who are we kidding?
They're not gonna let us
just stroll in there,
save our friends,
and then stroll right back out.
Come on, let's face it.
They're...
They're dead already.
SLATTERY: Vincent.
VINCENT: Hey, hey, hey.
Why is this here?
[SCOFFS] It's just
a roll of film, man.
-Why is this in here?
-It's just a roll of film.
-Why is this in here?
-It's a roll of film!
-Why is it in here?
-It is a roll of film!
-Vincent!
-Okay, it's there to remind me
to never leave
what's important behind!
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
-Let's go save our friends.
-Wet's woll.
Hey, can I go?
'Cause if I don't
finish my show,
-I'm out $600.
-MALE OFFICER: Sir,
-you need to calm down.
-No, no...
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
SLATTERY:
I know this place.
We shot an episode
of Love Boat here.
VINCENT: Really?
CALEB: Here?
SLATTERY: It was
a bottle episode.
CALEB: Wait, how old are you?
-[MUFFLED YELLING]
-SLATTERY: You guys hear that?
CALEB: You guys hear that?
VINCENT: What the heck?
-Otto!
-CALEB: Gail! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Thank God you're okay.
-[GAIL GASPS]
-VINCENT: I got it.
Thank you.
OTTO: Oh, thank God.
-Hi. Are you okay?
-Yeah, yeah.
[ALL CLAMORING]
-MAN: Hey.
-Hi.
My reports, please.
-The reports are...
-[VOICES OVERLAPPING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses, Slattery.
Everybody hold your horses.
We got the reports.
They're close by.
But first, we're gonna
need some assurance
that we're getting
out of here alive.
What? You don't trust me?
Lady, I trust in
three things only.
My mommy, death, and taxes.
And last I checked,
I'm still alive.
I use TurboTax, and nobody
here's breastfeeding me.
So, yeah, we got a couple
of requests on our end.
You are in
no position to bargain.
CALEB: We see things
a little bit differently,
because it seems to us
that without those documents,
you don't have what you want.
And it seems to me
that the only people
who know where
the documents are is us.
So it seems like right now
you need us alive.
What do you want?
You tell your goon boys
to drop their guns
and leave us alone.
We walk out of here unscathed.
You get your documents.
It's a win-win.
Okay.
Everybody, put your guns in
the trash and take a break.
Happy now?
Well, I feel like they did
everything that we asked for.
OTTO: They put
the guns in the trash...
VINCENT: They gave something,
we need to give something.
-You guys wanna take a vote?
-SLATTERY: Yeah. We all in?
-Vincent?
-Okay.
SLATTERY: Give her the reports.
VINCENT: Yeah.
-[UNZIPS]
-Here we go.
Right there. One more.
These are... Yeah, right there.
There you are.
-And we have one more. One more.
-GAIL: Do you need help?
-Gail, give me a hand?
-Yeah, sure.
-GAIL: Okay.
-Right there. And one more.
[STRAINING] One more. Come on.
There it is.
And one more, one more.
Well, that's that.
-So much for our movie pitch.
-At least we're alive.
Hey, Caleb, you are
quite a negotiator.
-Yeah.
-Wow.
-It's all here.
-[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]
Hey. [SNAPS FINGERS]
-Kill them.
-GAIL: Wait, what?
Wait, wait, wait...
No, no, no, no, no.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
-[GAIL GROANS]
We should have anticipated
that they'd come back
and get their guns again.
Yeah. Don't blame yourself.
I missed it, too.
These guys are
professional killers, right?
-We both missed it.
-SLATTERY: We all missed it.
-CALEB: Yeah.
-I'm kicking myself now.
VINCENT: It was
right in my face.
[WHISPERS] Hey, Slattery,
now would be a good time
to pull off some
of those moves.
I told you, I can't...
I can't do it.
Real violence
makes me throw up.
John, no flying machine
will ever fly from
New York to Paris.
-What?
-Orville Wright said that.
Now, do you understand
what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Yeah, I understand.
Stand back, everybody.
-I got this.
-GAIL: Okay.
SLATTERY: Fellas, fellas.
[LAUGHS]
Nobody wants to get hurt, right?
So why don't we just
handle it like this?
-[GRUNTS]
-[GAIL GASPS]
-[GUN FIRES]
-[ALL EXCLAIM]
-Whoa!
-[GRUNTS]
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hi-yah!
-[GRUNTS]
[SLATTERY LAUGHS]
-Hey, hey, hey.
-[LAUGHS] Not bad, right?
Hey, boys. Come on!
[GRUNTING]
Take that.
-Too slow.
-[GRUNTS]
-Good job.
-SLATTERY: Nope.
[GRUNTING]
-What the fuck?
-[YELLS]
Consider that a divorce.
Hey, you're mine!
SLATTERY: You want some,
too, baldy?
-Take that.
-[YELLS]
This is fun.
I can do this all day.
-Got your eye, motherfucker.
-[SQUELCHES]
-[SCREAMING]
-ALL: Ooh!
Going up, motherfucker.
I got you, asshole!
-[GRUNTS]
-[SCREAMS]
[ALL EXCLAIM]
Down goes Frazier.
Slattery, you old
son of a bitch.
-[RETCHES]
-[ALL GROAN]
Oh! Still got it.
[ALL GASP]
This is for Nico and Marco
and all the unnecessary
agita you caused me
over the last
11 and a half hours.
-No, no, no, no.
-You kill my friends,
I kill your friends. Bye-bye.
GAIL: No, no, no, no.
Please, please.
-Huh?
-[BOTH GRUNTING]
-[YELLS]
-Stings.
-[NOTE PLAYS]
-[CLINKS]
-Whoops.
-Let's face it.
You can pack quite a punch.
"Let's face it."
[ALL CHUCKLING]
-[VOICES OVERLAPPING]
-OTTO: Wow.
VINCENT: Where did you
learn that, man?
SLATTERY: I'm self-taught.
Totally self-taught.
I have a practice
head in my garage.
GAIL: Did you see that?
He saved my life.
-I gotta tell you...
-OTTO: Unreal.
Oh, shit.
[OMINOUS WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
Ding-ding.
Round two, motherfuckers.
I'll take 'em one by one.
[GUNS FIRING]
-[EXHALES]
-[CROWS CAWING]
Wow, I thought that was gonna
take much more time and energy.
Yeah, you know, we just picked
up those dead guys' guns.
-We just went for it.
-Improvised a little.
VINCENT: The guns
make it easier.
I've never shot a gun
before in my life.
-GAIL: Thank you.
-I would have never guessed.
-LUDOVICA: Damn it.
-Get her!
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
-Tom? I have to call you back.
-TOM: Gail.
I was able to
extend the deposit.
We'll talk about this later.
I'm literally in
the middle of a thing.
I have to call you back.
Are you on
a treadmill right now?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
GAIL: Get back here!
-[GRUNTS]
-[YELLS]
Hey, give us one good reason
why we shouldn't
kill you... right now.
-I have very powerful friends.
-Uh-huh.
-We can make a deal.
-GAIL: Like what?
Let me explain.
-What do you guys think?
-[ALL] Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah, give her a shot.
-You sure?
-OTTO: Yeah.
-Yeah, let her explain.
Let her explain.
-We're listening.
-Okay. What if...
-[GRUNTS]
-GAIL: Caleb!
We just said that we would
listen to what she has to say.
I'm sorry. It's the adrenaline.
I just had to do it.
Okay. Continue, uh...
-Ludovica.
-That is so pretty.
-Thank you. [GRUNTS]
-GAIL: I've never heard that...
Vincent. What did I just say?
I know, but you saw what they
tried to do to us back there.
She tried to kill us all.
We said that
we would at least listen
-to what she has to propose...
-[GRUNTS]
-Guys, what is going on?
-Why don't they listen to you?
Ludovica, just let me...
You're already on thin ice,
so just shut up
for a second, okay?
-Otto, don't hit her.
-Yeah? Sorry. Yeah.
-Slattery.
-What?
Do you need to get one in
before we can listen
-to what she has to say?
-No. I'm good.
I got all mine out back there.
-Okay. Everybody chill?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I'm super chill.
Super chill.
-Ludovica.
-Yes?
-The floor is yours.
-Really? Now?
-Okay? So, if you let me go...
-[GRUNTS] Oh!
Guys, what in the actual fuck?
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
-[YELLS]
-[GUN CLICKING]
You're all out.
Wait. Wait.
[GRUNTS]
[YELLS]
-[GRUNTING]
-[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Huh? You like that?
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]
-[ALL CLAMORING]
-[GRUNTING]
-[RETCHES]
-[SCREAMING]
All right, all right. All right,
you did it. You're good.
[PANTING]
-Oh, my God.
-OTTO: Gail.
She said, "Wait."
Why did you...
I got swept up in it, too.
What can I say?
I'm human. I'm not perfect.
Of course. Of course.
No, we're not judging.
Jeez.
Let's finish what
we started, huh?
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]
-You guys ready?
-GAIL: Yes!
VINCENT: You got
all the paperwork?
Wow, that instant stain
remover pen really works.
-GAIL: Doesn't it?
-Yeah.
You're back.
I like you guys,
but if you keep coming here
with nothing to offer,
I'm professionally obligated
to make you sick.
We have a movie pitch
for Jon Hamm.
What's it about? Lay it down
in two minutes or less.
Well, Terrence, I could give you
the old verbal pitch.
That'd be easy.
But I'm gonna do you one better
because sometimes, a giant
stack of loose paperwork
is worth a thousand pitches.
-Is this blood on here?
-Yeah.
Do you want to explain
where it came from?
No.
Okay.
Wow.
This is the kind of part
Jon Hamm would destroy.
ALL: [EXCLAIMING] Yes!
I think it's finally time
for you to meet Mr. Hamm.
[ALL CHEERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey. I'm Jon. What's up?
Wow. It is such
an honor to meet you.
My name is Gail,
and these are my friends.
-Otto, Caleb, Vincent and...
-Slat-man! I owe you a text.
Dude, no worries at all.
-It's all good.
-So, my friend Terrence tells me
you guys have
a movie to pitch me?
Yes, we do,
and it is a home run.
Well, it better be,
'cause if it is,
I will literally do
anything for you.
-I'm gonna hold you to that.
-JON: Okay, and, Slattery,
you're gonna be
co-starring in this?
-What?
-Don Draper, Roger Sterling,
back together again?
-Yeah!
-[ALL LAUGHING]
I'm gonna have to check
my schedule, but yeah.
Oh, and, Vince here
is an excellent writer.
He's gonna do the screenplay.
Oh, the all-important
scribe. Yes, sir.
-[IMITATES TYPEWRITER]
-[ALL LAUGHING]
And I assume
you are the negotiator?
Oh, yeah.
Well, I worked at CAA,
but I'm between
agencies at the moment.
Well, not for long,
if this thing does what I think
it's gonna do, am I right?
Yeah, he's right about that.
Now, what about my hair?
Who's gonna take care of that?
Any ideas there?
Um, you're looking at it.
Three years combined experience.
Perfect. I am psyched.
Let's hear this pitch.
Well, listen, Jonny,
I'd give the old verbal pitch.
That'd be easy.
But I'm gonna do you one better
because sometimes,
a binder full of loose paperwork
is worth a thousand pitches.
Okay, but I don't
want to read it.
-You...
-Just tell me the story.
Tell you... He wants to
hear the story.
-You want me to go?
-CALEB: Oh, yes.
What do I say? Guys? Guys...
It's a story about espionage.
Of double identities.
A secret global network...
Okay, let me
stop you right there
'cause I think I get
the world of this.
But where's the heart?
-The heart?
-The heart, the heart.
That's where
your character comes in.
He's a guy who's been
put to the test...
-Yeah.
-Okay? Until he finally realizes
what it's all about.
The people you love.
Okay, I like that,
but I don't want it to be
too dumbed down.
Don't you worry about that.
It is the opposite of dumb.
It blows the lid off
the entire genre,
and it's all centered around
a loose pile of paperwork
that can't fall into
the wrong hands or else...
Get this, Jon.
-Major clusterfuck.
-Clusterfuck. That's smart.
Okay, so it's smart
and it has heart.
-CALEB: Yes.
-But does it have cojones?
Oh, buddy, big ones.
Try this on for size.
One man, two fists, killing
maybe 20, maybe 30 henchmen.
I don't know, it felt like
the same eight guys
recycled over and over again.
But real life. Raw. Uncensored.
-Physical. Visceral.
-I'm getting goosebumps.
[ALL LAUGHING]
This is crazy.
-This has got balls!
-GAIL: Yes!
[ALL LAUGHING]
JON: Yeah.
Pass.
-What?
-What?
Yeah. Respectfully,
I'm gonna pass on this.
But thank you guys
for coming by. What fun.
I gotta jump
on a Zoom, so...
Wait, wait, wait.
That's it?
What don't you like? Because
we're not married to anything.
-Yeah, we can change anything.
-Literally everything.
No. Yeah, no, no,
I'm just not feeling it at all.
So, Terrence is gonna
show you out. Thanks again.
-Fun.
-Buddy...
Oh, hey. Y'all heard him.
Everybody out.
Everybody out. Let's get out.
You lost. It happens sometimes.
That's... That's the way it is.
Where's the girl?
What?
This isn't a Zoom.
Oh, shame on you, Jon Hamm.
We came all this way.
We risked our lives to find you.
And for what?
You making promises
to each of us
that you had
no intention of keeping.
You're not the person
that I thought you were.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
You're absolutely right.
The honest truth is...
I'm just scared.
Sorry, Mr. Hamm.
She snuck by me...
Terrence, it's okay.
Please, please.
Don't make her sick.
-He's gonna make you sick, Gail.
-Guys, guys, look.
I made it seem like
I could set up your project
because that's what I thought
you wanted to hear.
But the truth is, you can't do
anything for any of us.
[SCOFFS] You're just an actor.
You don't know any more
about how to set up
the nuts and bolts of a movie
than any of us do.
-Isn't that right?
-Honestly, yes.
I'm a grown man,
but inside I'm still just a...
little kid.
That same awkward wanderer
who finally found his place
when he got cast as
Winnie-the-Pooh in first grade.
-Oh.
-My teacher said I was
one of the best
Poohs of the year.
I bet you were a great Pooh.
That's when I got bit
by the acting bug.
-Huh.
-JON: And I never got cured.
In high school, I did
a wonderful production
-of Godspell.
-Let's get to the part
about Mad Men.
Well, Mad Men was a juggernaut
beyond my wildest dreams.
Of all the jobs I did in 2007,
it was arguably
the most high profile.
Those were the days.
Wall-to-wall trim.
But then I looked around.
People started
seeing me differently.
They started seeing "Jon Hamm,"
the larger-than-life guy
with the great jaw
and the perfect hairline.
You know?
So I guess I just started
reflecting back to the public
what I thought
they wanted to see.
The Jon Hamm they see on
the billboards, it's not me.
I'm just the guy
behind the curtain,
pulling the levers.
I guess we all came
a long way for nothing.
-Sorry to waste your time.
-[SLATTERY SIGHS]
-GAIL: Let's go.
-Wait, wait.
I may not be able to help you
set up this project,
but I can do something
for you guys.
Caleb, what if I was
to call CAA
and strongly suggest that
they give you your job back?
-That'd be amazing...
-Yes.
And, Slattery, I got
roped into doing
my lawyer's kid's
student film,
but I bet I could convince them
to give you the job instead.
SLATTERY: Wow. Thanks, man.
They say that student films
are the gateway to
bigger stuff sometimes.
-Vincent?
-Yes?
You wanted to be a screenwriter?
Well...
I'm more of
a photographer these days.
Would you mind
if I get a shot of you?
-I'd be honored.
-Yeah!
JON: Something candid?
Like this?
-[SHUTTER CLICKS]
-Perfect. [LAUGHS]
Just perfect.
[SIGHS]
Oh, and, Otto,
I have something for you.
My swag bag from the
Movie and Television awards.
It's got a whole bunch
of stuff I will never use,
including some VIP passes
to Magic Mountain.
[EXCLAIMS]
Oh, Magic Mountain.
I want to go. [LAUGHS]
-Thank you.
-It's the least I could do.
You guys...
Thank you for
everything, Jon. I mean...
Wait, wait.
What about Gail?
She's kind of the whole reason
we came here in the first place.
That's right. What about Gail?
Yeah. Jon. Do Gail next.
-[CLICKS TONGUE] Guys.
-JON: Oh.
Gail, what's your dream?
You wanted to be a hairdresser
for the movies, am I right?
Uh...
No. [CHUCKLES]
I actually, um...
have a different
kind of request.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS, MOANS]
Hey, we'll let... We'll let
you two take it from here.
SLATTERY: Come on. Let's go.
VINCENT: Yeah.
[SINGER VOCALIZING]
[GAIL MOANS]
[MOANS, GRUNTS]
[CONTINUES MOANING]
CALEB: There you go, Mommy.
I'm back in the game.
Junior assistant.
[SIGHS]
CREWMEMBER 1: Roll sound.
CREWMEMBER 2: Rolling sound.
Speed. Boardroom scene.
Take seven.
CREWMEMBER 2: Marker.
DIRECTOR: Action.
How many times do
I have to tell you guys
what's going on around here?
Yeah. What are you doing?
You can't smile...
Nobody seems to know...
Nobody's on the same page.
Sorry this is 15 years late.
-EDITOR: Wait, what?
-Oh. And by the way...
I quit.
I'm sorry, who are you?
What is this?
Debbie, who the fuck
did you just let in my office?
Wait a minute.
Ha! That son of a bitch.
He got his white whale.
I'll be damned.
Vincent, you old son of a bitch.
DEBBIE: He's gone.
Do you want me to go get him?
Oh, no. That's okay.
I can text him.
Just remind me.
Put it on the list.
DEBBIE: And this
would be regarding...
Just put "son of a bitch."
I'll know what it means.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
I'll know what it means.
-[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
-[BOTH SCREAMING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[YELPS, SCREAMS SHRILLY]
[MOANS]
[SIGHING]
[GAIL EXHALES DEEPLY]
GAIL: I feel like...
"I'm floating above the clouds."
"Chains of yesterday
dissolve like morning mist."
"As I rise on newfound wings,
"Towards endless blue..."
"In cloudscapes
pure and bright."
"In cloudscapes
pure and bright."
-"I am made new."
-"I am made new."
What?
I've never met anyone
that knows that poem.
Who doesn't love J.M. Stansel?
Are you kidding me?
I'm a Stansel junkie.
[CHUCKLES]
I know this sounds crazy,
but I could imagine you and me
rising on wings
-toward endless blue.
-Mm.
Wouldn't that be something?
Some other lifetime, maybe.
Sure.
Some other lifetime.
[BOTH SIGH]
Jon Hamm.
Who knew?
It's too bad
you're getting married.
Because I would love to take you
to this magical spot
I know in St. Blarts.
Soomer in St. Blarts
sounds incredible.
I'm so flattered.
But, yes, I am getting married
and so I can't go
to St. Blarts with you.
But...
sincerely, it was
so great to fuck you.
And thanks for everything.
-Be well.
-You, too.
[SIGHS]
What a day.
GAIL: LAX, please.
CAB DRIVER: You got it.
Probably good you're
getting out of the city.
I'm sure you heard
about the mess that happened
at the abandoned movie lot
the other night.
[HORN BLARING]
-Go ahead. Go around me.
-Uh...
No, no. I'm... I haven't heard.
-What happened?
-You haven't heard? Oh...
They found dozens
of dead bodies out there.
It's just impossible to process.
I mean, nothing like that
has ever happened before.
Hey, sorry,
I think I recognize you.
Are you Elizabeth Perkins,
by any chance?
-Yes.
-[GASPS]
-Hey, there.
-[BOTH EXCLAIMING]
WOMAN:
Get over here, Solly.
The ceremony's gonna start
in a few minutes.
SLATTERY:
Do you know what works...
-VINCENT: What?
-...with bridesmaids?
-A little Slattery flattery.
-[CALEB LAUGHS]
How about some...
How about some Caleb...
Okay.
So, when I tell you
you may kiss the bride,
that's your cue to, uh...
Well, I'm gonna keep this PG.
I'm not sure I understand.
Mm. Nobody rocks
a whip curl like my girl.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, you're still feeling
okay about all this, right?
No. Yeah. Yes, no.
No, I am feeling good.
-You sure?
-Yeah.
I mean, Tom is far
from perfect.
Like, he works too much.
He drinks a little bit more
than I'd like him to.
-[CHUCKLES]
-He snores so loud. [CHUCKLES]
He'll never say things like,
"Thank you" or "I'm sorry."
And when I had that
full hysterectomy,
and I really, really needed
him to be there for me,
-he essentially checked out.
-Yeah.
I think it's just about
picking your poison.
And I guess Tom
is my poison.
Make sure you say
all that in your vows.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
And now, time for
the $64,000 question. [CHUCKLES]
Gail Elizabeth Daughtry,
do you take Tom Soursap
McNoodleman
to be your husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward,
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
I...
Gail?
[GUESTS MURMURING]
No, I... I'm...
Wow. I'm sorry.
I don't want to marry you.
Oh! Thank God.
Tom, you have been
my whole world.
But there's a whole
universe out there
waiting for me to explore.
There's celebrities,
there's fancy hotels
and unexpected friendships.
-Hello.
-Hi.
I don't want to hurt you.
But I guess I have to, Tom.
Is this because
of the Aniston thing?
Does it change anything if
I told you I only half finished?
-[LAUGHS]
-JON: Gail!
[GUESTS GASPING, MURMURING]
-JON: Gail!
-[HOT AIR BALLOON HISSING]
Gail!
[GASPS]
-Gail!
-Jon.
Ooh! [LAUGHS]
Jon.
What are you doing here?
Gail, you are the only
woman I have ever met
who has made me feel good
about being the real me.
And so I flew 1,400 miles
in this balloon to tell you
I want to be with you. Forever.
Wow. Jon Hamm...
I never dreamed
that I would see you again.
But as you can see,
I'm just getting
out of something.
SLATTERY: Hey, Jon.
I'm definitely down to hang.
Maybe we can keep it casual?
Oh, totally. Why don't we just
keep it loose and freaky?
Loose and freaky sounds great.
Get in here.
[HOT AIR BALLOON HISSING]
[GUESTS CHEERING]
Go, Gail, go.
[GUESTS APPLAUDING]
Yes.
What the fuck is happening?
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]
FRANK:
And if you're wondering
what happened to
Gail and Mr. Hamm...
I don't know.
He just picked her up
on that balloon,
and it's happening
right now as we speak.
I mean,
I'm not a fortune teller.
And if I'm being honest,
when did it become my job
to spoon-feed you every little
nuanced point in this story?
I mean,
you're 35 years old, right?
You can figure out
some stuff on your own.
I mean, to tell you the truth,
I got a lot of
problems of my own.
You know, not that you care,
because for you, it's all just,
"Whatever happened to Gail?"
You know,
"Gail, Gail, Gail."
Because not for nothing,
I've really been going through
a lot of shit, you know?
Do you have any idea
what it's like
to have a blood clot
in your leg?
It's a fucking nightmare,
that's what it is.
And then my daughter,
I don't want to even
get into that shit.
She hasn't returned
my phone calls in eight months.
Eight months!
And then on top of that,
there's this whole
mishegoss with my roof.
The roofer, he said $600.
Not a fucking penny more.
And he gave me
a bill for double that.
This guy's a fucking criminal.
He should be in jail.
Do not ever, ever hire
Scott Lindhome
to do anything in your house.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
TERRENCE:
Gonna make you all sick.
I'mma make you all very sick.
Now get outta here before I
change my mind
and make you all real sick.
Enough questions.
Unless you want me to make
you all very, very sick.
GAIL: Nobody wants
to get sick, right, fellas?
SLATTERY: No, I definitely
don't wanna get sick.
VINCENT: I just
got over something.
Hey, I'm Scott Lindhome,
Scott Lindhome Roofing.
Look, let me tell you,
there are two sides
to every story.
What our friendly neighborhood
"mailman" forgets to mention
is the raccoon infestation
living under his shingles.
God! What?
Am I supposed to pay for that?
Are you out of your mind?
It's $600 for basic
shingle replacement.
Look. See?
"Surprises not included."
And by the way,
$600 barely pays
for the fucking nails.
You don't believe me?
You head on down
to Home Depot
and check for yourself.
And don't tell me
you don't got enough time.
'Cause I know for a fact
you have not had a job
since April.
Maybe I did charge him double,
but you know what?
His fucking roof is
gonna be watertight
for the next 20 years, okay?
End of story.
Jeez. What the shit?
[PHONE RINGING, BEEPS]
Hey, Scott,
it's Gail Daughtry. [CHUCKLES]
I probably haven't seen you
since my mom and dad's funeral.
Anyway, crazy story.
I'm actually up in
a hot-air balloon right now,
and I can see
the roof of my house.
It is looking like it might
need some maintenance.
What do you think?
Anyway, no rush.
Just call me when you can.
This is Gail Daughtry...
and the Celebrity Sex Pass.