Garfield Goes Hollywood (1987) Movie Script
1
Hello folks, how do you do?
Garfield here to entertain you.
Thank you for that large
round of indifference.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on the drums tonight,
an old and dear friend
of mine, Mr. Skins.
I know you're out there,
I can hear your breathing.
Two, three, four.
Impressions.
Cat on a hot tin roof.
Thank you, Mom.
Okay, I know a dog who was
so ugly, cars chased him.
Okay, no more dog jokes.
This cat is walking down the street when
a big surly dog jumps out of the alley,
grabs the cat, and throws
him against the wall.
He picks the cat up and says,
your money or your nine lives.
Your money or your nine lives?
Nice touch.
I can see I got to
warm things up here.
All your mothers wear armyboots.
More like it, now that
I have your attention,
I'd like to move right to
the big production number.
Mr. Skins, if you please.
I love show business.
It's in my blood.
And my ears. Between
my toes, up my nose.
Come on boys,
the show's about to start.
Gee, isn't it great to be like a real
family to enjoy something together?
Good evening and welcome to Pet Search.
The show that says no matter
how insignificant you are,
your pet may be a star.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
If your pets have any talent at all,
bring them down to our studios at
WBOR and enter them in Pet Search.
If your pet is determined
by our audience
to be the most talented pet of
the week, you will win $1.000.
$1.000?
That's right $1.000.
And that's not all,
you will also earn the right
to go on to the national
finals in Hollywood.
- I don't believe it.
- Well, believe it.
But before we start tonight's competition,
let's have a brief look at last
week's winner of Pet Search,
Mountain Man Dan and his dog, Blue.
I have a dog, his name is Blue.
He sings real good, he sings...
- We're better than that.
- Gee, $1.000.
Ah, I wish you boys had some talent.
We could be on that show.
We're rich.
We're famous.
We'll win the contest and
take the show on the road.
You guys are fabulous.
I had no idea you could dance.
Shucks.
That old number?
You should see us on the fence.
We'll need costumes, a routine.
We'll rehearse day and night.
Day and night?
Forget it.
And we'll need some music.
We're in big trouble, Odie.
Jon's the worst.
We'll be laughed off the air.
The show is called Pet Search,
not Dummy Search.
So this is show business.
Pretty glamorous, huh guys?
How quaint.
A low tech studio in
a high tech society.
And those other acts
look pretty good, too.
Okay boys, remember
what we rehearsed.
Let's get in to our costumes.
Where were you, Garfield?
Eliminating some competition.
Well hurry and get dressed,
the show is about to begin.
Hey, you're on in five minutes.
- Don't be late.
- Come on, guys.
Let's break a leg.
Ten seconds til air.
Nine, Eight.
You stupid dog.
Get out of here.
Oh, if it wasn't, I'd break your arm!
Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, and welcome to...
Come on, Garfield.
It's about time to perform.
- I'm not going.
- Hey!
We've worked too hard
to have you back out now.
Tell you what, you and
Odie go on without me.
Do a knife throwing
act or something.
Garfield, now.
- This is embarrassing.
- Okay.
- Are we going out there tonight?
- Maybe.
Are we gonna give the
performance of our lives?
Doubt it.
- Are we gonna win?
- Not a chance.
- Alright, let's do it!
- Let's not and say we did.
Okay, Petey.
Do a backflip.
Roll over, Petey.
Sing Ma Laguinia, Petey.
Petey?
Is there a doctor in the house?
And that was Grandma
Fogerty and the amazing...
Petey.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our next act is called five tap
dancing pigeons and Herbie.
Herbie, it can't be easy
teaching pigeons to tap dance.
It's taken me 17 years.
It must take a lot of dedication.
These pigeons are my life, you know?
Well best of luck Herbie,
the stage is yours.
I think we have it wrapped up, guys.
I haven't seen any
competition so far.
And there's only one act after us.
With our luck, it'll probably be a dog who
plays five instruments at the same time.
Our next act is a local group.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Johnny Bop and the Two Steps.
Johnny Bop and the Two Steps.
- You guys were great!
- You were awful.
Now, one more act to go and we
can collect our thousand dollars.
Our final act this evening
is Bob the Wonder Dog.
He will play five, count them,
five instruments simultaneously.
Bingo.
There seems to
be a disqualification.
Well, those are all the acts.
So it's time to let the studio
audience determine this week's winner.
May have I have all the
contestants on stage, please.
This is it!
Good luck, boys!
- Fernando and Flippy!
- Boo.
Pierre and his talking
parrot Chatter Box!
Boo.
Grandma Fogerty
and the amazing Petey.
Boo.
Five tap dancing pigeons and Herbie.
Boo.
Johnny Bop and The Two Steps.
It looks as though we have our winners.
Johnny Bop and The Two Steps.
What a night.
We got a lot of money,
we got a lot of money,
we got a lot, a lot of money,
and we're going to Hollywood.
Money, big deal.
A lot of good money does a cat.
And going to Hollywood
sounds like a long car ride to me.
It's not enough that we made
fools of ourselves on a local station.
Now we've won the right to do
it in front of the whole country.
Oh, well.
Maybe things will work out,
maybe the Earth will shift and
Hollywood will fall into the ocean.
Hurry up, boys,
Hollywood is calling.
There it is, boys,
Hollywood, California.
What do ya think?
Boffo, terrif, don't change a thing.
I love it just the way it is.
Let's do lunch.
Well, I hope Hollywood is ready
for us, if you know what I mean.
I'm afraid I do.
I had no idea.
This town has my
name written all over it.
This is Shangri-la.
I'll be famous, a household word.
I could get used to this.
Have the bags sent to my suite,
Jon, and tip the bellman well,
you know what a heavy tipper I am.
This is more like it.
This makes Jon's
home look like a fleabag.
No squeaky floors, no peeling wallpaper,
just class as far as the eye can see.
I think I could get used to this.
What more could a cat want?
A cat could want this.
I'm so happy, I could just cry.
Check that.
I'm so happy, I could
just sleep and dream.
This is the life, isn't it boys?
Better enjoy it while you can.
We'll have to go back
to reality pretty soon.
Reality?
Where's that?
Well, while I take a shower, why
don't you boys do some rehearsing.
- Mm-hm.
- Rehearsing?
A lot a good rehearsing
that stupid act is gonna do.
Well, Jon and Odie can go back to
reality if they want to, but I'm not.
I'm staying.
I'm going to win that
talent competition,
become a star, and live
out my days in the manner
to which I'm going to be accustomed.
Odie, come here!
Odie, we're pretty talented, right?
We're good dancers, right?
We went to Pet Search and won, right?
And we're gonna win
in Hollywood, right?
You're right, we're
not gonna win, right?
Cuz our act stinks, right?
And whose fault is that?
Right, it's Jon's fault.
Odie the time has come to cut
some of the deadwood out of our act.
And there's only one way to do it.
Not a pretty job, Odie,
but somebody has to do it.
Here give me a hand.
Good work.
Ready boys? I better
tune up the old guitar.
Good luck.
What's the matter, Jon?
You look as tough you've
lost your only friend.
My guitar is crushed.
It's gone, caput.
On to that big tuning
fork in the sky, huh?
You boys wouldn't happen to
know anything about this, would ya?
Alright you guys.
Come back here.
What are we gonna do?
The finals are coming up soon,
and we don't have a routine.
Don't worry your pretty
head about a thing.
Leave everything to us.
Wow just look at all this.
Our own private dressing
room, fresh flowers.
So this is what stardom is like.
Hey, they're rehearsing,
let's check out the competition.
It looks as though the competition's
a little stiffer than back home.
You know, could it be life in
Hollywood might change us?
I hope so.
Could it be life in the fast
lane might make us hard?
I could live with that.
Could it be we'll forget
who we really are?
Only if we're lucky.
That we'll hurt the little people?
Hey, I don't care who I step on on the
way up, cuz I ain't coming back down.
Come on, Odie.
It's show time!
Could it be you'll forget about me?
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the
national finals of Pet Search.
Yes, the winners of tonight's competition
are not only going to become famous,
but they're going to
receive a lot of prizes as well.
What do we have for them, Bob?
Well, Burt, tonight's winners
will receive a one year contract
with a big Hollywood movie studio.
But before they go to work they'll
spend six weeks on a world cruise.
And that's not all, waiting for
them when they get home will be
matching his and hers limousines
parked by the pool of
their brand new home.
But what good is a home without
a little spending money to furnish it.
- Right, Burt?
- Right, Bob.
Tonight's winners will also walk away
with a check for one million dollars!
Tell us Bob, what are the second
place contestants going to receive?
- A boat!
- A boat?
- A boat.
- Thank you very much, Bob!
Now let's get on with Pet Search!
Here from Chicago, Illinois,
the Lemon Sisters!
Those chickens were pretty good.
Yes they are.
We must have them
for dinner some time.
Here from New York City,
The Garbonzo Brothers.
I didn't know dogs could tumble.
Yeah, but are they housebroken?
From New Orleans, Louisiana,
here's Miles, the Jazz Canary.
Winning all those prizes
would be great, guys.
But getting back to our real
home will be even greater, right?
You've got to be kidding.
Our next act features a
rather unique cat and dog duo.
From Muncie, Indiana,
welcome the dancing Armandos.
This'll be a piece of cake.
We were fantastic!
We can't lose.
We're number one!
Next, from Los Gatos, California,
Desire the classical cat!
Ladies and gentlemen, our
judges have reached a decision.
Fifth place goes to the Lemon sisters.
Fourth place goes to
Miles, the Jazz Canary.
Third place goes to the
Tumbling Garbanzo Brothers.
Well, we are down
to our two finalists.
May I have the envelope please?
- Whoops.
- Come on will ya.
Come on.
Second place goes to
The Dancing Armandos.
The winner is Desire
The Classical Cat.
We've been robbed.
I demand a recount,
the judges were paid off. Rip off!
We've been robbed, call Ralph Nader.
We've lost everything.
We really haven't
lost anything Garfield,
we're still a family,
we still have each other.
Big fat hairy deal.
You know, boys, maybe it's
best we didn't win Pet Search.
I don't know if we were
cut out for that kind of life.
Speak for yourself, Jon.
Some of us were born to be great.
Nevertheless, we
did get a boat out of it.
There's something to be
said for the yachting life.
I could grow accustomed to this.
Where do we sail to next, gentlemen?
The south of France?
I hear the Fiji islands are
particularly nice this time of year.
Yes, maybe we could do some
surfing off the Gold Coast of Australia.
Maybe we should just
settle for a simple spin
around the Caribbean islands.
- Yes.
- What think you, Odie?
Hello folks, how do you do?
Garfield here to entertain you.
Thank you for that large
round of indifference.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on the drums tonight,
an old and dear friend
of mine, Mr. Skins.
I know you're out there,
I can hear your breathing.
Two, three, four.
Impressions.
Cat on a hot tin roof.
Thank you, Mom.
Okay, I know a dog who was
so ugly, cars chased him.
Okay, no more dog jokes.
This cat is walking down the street when
a big surly dog jumps out of the alley,
grabs the cat, and throws
him against the wall.
He picks the cat up and says,
your money or your nine lives.
Your money or your nine lives?
Nice touch.
I can see I got to
warm things up here.
All your mothers wear armyboots.
More like it, now that
I have your attention,
I'd like to move right to
the big production number.
Mr. Skins, if you please.
I love show business.
It's in my blood.
And my ears. Between
my toes, up my nose.
Come on boys,
the show's about to start.
Gee, isn't it great to be like a real
family to enjoy something together?
Good evening and welcome to Pet Search.
The show that says no matter
how insignificant you are,
your pet may be a star.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
If your pets have any talent at all,
bring them down to our studios at
WBOR and enter them in Pet Search.
If your pet is determined
by our audience
to be the most talented pet of
the week, you will win $1.000.
$1.000?
That's right $1.000.
And that's not all,
you will also earn the right
to go on to the national
finals in Hollywood.
- I don't believe it.
- Well, believe it.
But before we start tonight's competition,
let's have a brief look at last
week's winner of Pet Search,
Mountain Man Dan and his dog, Blue.
I have a dog, his name is Blue.
He sings real good, he sings...
- We're better than that.
- Gee, $1.000.
Ah, I wish you boys had some talent.
We could be on that show.
We're rich.
We're famous.
We'll win the contest and
take the show on the road.
You guys are fabulous.
I had no idea you could dance.
Shucks.
That old number?
You should see us on the fence.
We'll need costumes, a routine.
We'll rehearse day and night.
Day and night?
Forget it.
And we'll need some music.
We're in big trouble, Odie.
Jon's the worst.
We'll be laughed off the air.
The show is called Pet Search,
not Dummy Search.
So this is show business.
Pretty glamorous, huh guys?
How quaint.
A low tech studio in
a high tech society.
And those other acts
look pretty good, too.
Okay boys, remember
what we rehearsed.
Let's get in to our costumes.
Where were you, Garfield?
Eliminating some competition.
Well hurry and get dressed,
the show is about to begin.
Hey, you're on in five minutes.
- Don't be late.
- Come on, guys.
Let's break a leg.
Ten seconds til air.
Nine, Eight.
You stupid dog.
Get out of here.
Oh, if it wasn't, I'd break your arm!
Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, and welcome to...
Come on, Garfield.
It's about time to perform.
- I'm not going.
- Hey!
We've worked too hard
to have you back out now.
Tell you what, you and
Odie go on without me.
Do a knife throwing
act or something.
Garfield, now.
- This is embarrassing.
- Okay.
- Are we going out there tonight?
- Maybe.
Are we gonna give the
performance of our lives?
Doubt it.
- Are we gonna win?
- Not a chance.
- Alright, let's do it!
- Let's not and say we did.
Okay, Petey.
Do a backflip.
Roll over, Petey.
Sing Ma Laguinia, Petey.
Petey?
Is there a doctor in the house?
And that was Grandma
Fogerty and the amazing...
Petey.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our next act is called five tap
dancing pigeons and Herbie.
Herbie, it can't be easy
teaching pigeons to tap dance.
It's taken me 17 years.
It must take a lot of dedication.
These pigeons are my life, you know?
Well best of luck Herbie,
the stage is yours.
I think we have it wrapped up, guys.
I haven't seen any
competition so far.
And there's only one act after us.
With our luck, it'll probably be a dog who
plays five instruments at the same time.
Our next act is a local group.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Johnny Bop and the Two Steps.
Johnny Bop and the Two Steps.
- You guys were great!
- You were awful.
Now, one more act to go and we
can collect our thousand dollars.
Our final act this evening
is Bob the Wonder Dog.
He will play five, count them,
five instruments simultaneously.
Bingo.
There seems to
be a disqualification.
Well, those are all the acts.
So it's time to let the studio
audience determine this week's winner.
May have I have all the
contestants on stage, please.
This is it!
Good luck, boys!
- Fernando and Flippy!
- Boo.
Pierre and his talking
parrot Chatter Box!
Boo.
Grandma Fogerty
and the amazing Petey.
Boo.
Five tap dancing pigeons and Herbie.
Boo.
Johnny Bop and The Two Steps.
It looks as though we have our winners.
Johnny Bop and The Two Steps.
What a night.
We got a lot of money,
we got a lot of money,
we got a lot, a lot of money,
and we're going to Hollywood.
Money, big deal.
A lot of good money does a cat.
And going to Hollywood
sounds like a long car ride to me.
It's not enough that we made
fools of ourselves on a local station.
Now we've won the right to do
it in front of the whole country.
Oh, well.
Maybe things will work out,
maybe the Earth will shift and
Hollywood will fall into the ocean.
Hurry up, boys,
Hollywood is calling.
There it is, boys,
Hollywood, California.
What do ya think?
Boffo, terrif, don't change a thing.
I love it just the way it is.
Let's do lunch.
Well, I hope Hollywood is ready
for us, if you know what I mean.
I'm afraid I do.
I had no idea.
This town has my
name written all over it.
This is Shangri-la.
I'll be famous, a household word.
I could get used to this.
Have the bags sent to my suite,
Jon, and tip the bellman well,
you know what a heavy tipper I am.
This is more like it.
This makes Jon's
home look like a fleabag.
No squeaky floors, no peeling wallpaper,
just class as far as the eye can see.
I think I could get used to this.
What more could a cat want?
A cat could want this.
I'm so happy, I could just cry.
Check that.
I'm so happy, I could
just sleep and dream.
This is the life, isn't it boys?
Better enjoy it while you can.
We'll have to go back
to reality pretty soon.
Reality?
Where's that?
Well, while I take a shower, why
don't you boys do some rehearsing.
- Mm-hm.
- Rehearsing?
A lot a good rehearsing
that stupid act is gonna do.
Well, Jon and Odie can go back to
reality if they want to, but I'm not.
I'm staying.
I'm going to win that
talent competition,
become a star, and live
out my days in the manner
to which I'm going to be accustomed.
Odie, come here!
Odie, we're pretty talented, right?
We're good dancers, right?
We went to Pet Search and won, right?
And we're gonna win
in Hollywood, right?
You're right, we're
not gonna win, right?
Cuz our act stinks, right?
And whose fault is that?
Right, it's Jon's fault.
Odie the time has come to cut
some of the deadwood out of our act.
And there's only one way to do it.
Not a pretty job, Odie,
but somebody has to do it.
Here give me a hand.
Good work.
Ready boys? I better
tune up the old guitar.
Good luck.
What's the matter, Jon?
You look as tough you've
lost your only friend.
My guitar is crushed.
It's gone, caput.
On to that big tuning
fork in the sky, huh?
You boys wouldn't happen to
know anything about this, would ya?
Alright you guys.
Come back here.
What are we gonna do?
The finals are coming up soon,
and we don't have a routine.
Don't worry your pretty
head about a thing.
Leave everything to us.
Wow just look at all this.
Our own private dressing
room, fresh flowers.
So this is what stardom is like.
Hey, they're rehearsing,
let's check out the competition.
It looks as though the competition's
a little stiffer than back home.
You know, could it be life in
Hollywood might change us?
I hope so.
Could it be life in the fast
lane might make us hard?
I could live with that.
Could it be we'll forget
who we really are?
Only if we're lucky.
That we'll hurt the little people?
Hey, I don't care who I step on on the
way up, cuz I ain't coming back down.
Come on, Odie.
It's show time!
Could it be you'll forget about me?
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the
national finals of Pet Search.
Yes, the winners of tonight's competition
are not only going to become famous,
but they're going to
receive a lot of prizes as well.
What do we have for them, Bob?
Well, Burt, tonight's winners
will receive a one year contract
with a big Hollywood movie studio.
But before they go to work they'll
spend six weeks on a world cruise.
And that's not all, waiting for
them when they get home will be
matching his and hers limousines
parked by the pool of
their brand new home.
But what good is a home without
a little spending money to furnish it.
- Right, Burt?
- Right, Bob.
Tonight's winners will also walk away
with a check for one million dollars!
Tell us Bob, what are the second
place contestants going to receive?
- A boat!
- A boat?
- A boat.
- Thank you very much, Bob!
Now let's get on with Pet Search!
Here from Chicago, Illinois,
the Lemon Sisters!
Those chickens were pretty good.
Yes they are.
We must have them
for dinner some time.
Here from New York City,
The Garbonzo Brothers.
I didn't know dogs could tumble.
Yeah, but are they housebroken?
From New Orleans, Louisiana,
here's Miles, the Jazz Canary.
Winning all those prizes
would be great, guys.
But getting back to our real
home will be even greater, right?
You've got to be kidding.
Our next act features a
rather unique cat and dog duo.
From Muncie, Indiana,
welcome the dancing Armandos.
This'll be a piece of cake.
We were fantastic!
We can't lose.
We're number one!
Next, from Los Gatos, California,
Desire the classical cat!
Ladies and gentlemen, our
judges have reached a decision.
Fifth place goes to the Lemon sisters.
Fourth place goes to
Miles, the Jazz Canary.
Third place goes to the
Tumbling Garbanzo Brothers.
Well, we are down
to our two finalists.
May I have the envelope please?
- Whoops.
- Come on will ya.
Come on.
Second place goes to
The Dancing Armandos.
The winner is Desire
The Classical Cat.
We've been robbed.
I demand a recount,
the judges were paid off. Rip off!
We've been robbed, call Ralph Nader.
We've lost everything.
We really haven't
lost anything Garfield,
we're still a family,
we still have each other.
Big fat hairy deal.
You know, boys, maybe it's
best we didn't win Pet Search.
I don't know if we were
cut out for that kind of life.
Speak for yourself, Jon.
Some of us were born to be great.
Nevertheless, we
did get a boat out of it.
There's something to be
said for the yachting life.
I could grow accustomed to this.
Where do we sail to next, gentlemen?
The south of France?
I hear the Fiji islands are
particularly nice this time of year.
Yes, maybe we could do some
surfing off the Gold Coast of Australia.
Maybe we should just
settle for a simple spin
around the Caribbean islands.
- Yes.
- What think you, Odie?