Get Big (2017) Movie Script

- It's okay.
- Yeah.
Hey, Nate, we're leaving.
Can I just put it in?
No, put a condom on.
- Michelle, I don't think it's...
- Nate, put a condom on.
You know what? It's fine.
I'll just go down on you.
No, it's fine,
just stop shaking.
I'm not shaking.
Okay, right.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
Wake up. We are going.
I think as I fingered you,
my hands are, like,
super slippery.
- Just give it to me.
- Okay.
Only these stupid free ones they
give you at the health center
are impossible to open.
Oh, okay, thanks.
All right.
Yo, Nate, you awake?
We're going to breakfast.
You wanna come?
No. Well...
- You wanna have breakfast?
- No.
- No, we're good.
- All right.
I'm just...
do you have it?
Yeah, almost, yeah.
Come on, fuck it.
Hey, did I leave
my bong in there?
No, there's no fucking bongs
in here, man.
All right, dude.
What do you think
the problem is?
I don't know. It's...
It's not like physical or...
I don't know, it's so stupid.
It's like fucking stupid.
Okay, are...
Are you nervous or...?
No, I'm not nervous.
I just... I don't...
Maybe it's just...
I don't know,
maybe you're just not
the right girl for me.
Yeah, I don't know, maybe...
Maybe that's all it is, just...
I don't know.
Are you serious?
Wait, um, I don't know. Uh...
You don't know?
Okay. Oh, shit.
I cannot believe that you are
blaming me for your problems.
I'm not the right girl for you?
No, I'm not blaming anyone,
I'm just...
- I'm just... I don't know...
- What?
A lot of people
aren't right for each other.
It's not a big deal.
Okay, so what? You wanna
stop seeing me? Is that it?
No, of course not.
Wow, you are an asshole, Nate.
Just because you are
skinny and awkward
that doesn't make you
a nice guy, okay?
You're a fucking asshole.
Well, you were kind
of pressuring me.
I am so sorry that I wanted you
to do something
other than go down on me
for once.
I thought girls like that.
Not when you're bad at it.
So, can I call you later or...
Yo, Nate, it's Kahji.
Hey, Kahji, what's up, dude?
I just wanted to make sure you
and Alec were all set for today.
What do you mean?
Today is my wedding, dawg.
Did you forget?
No, of course not, man, I...
We'll be there.
It's been on my calendar.
I'll text you the address
and information again
to make sure you have it.
Stoked to see you, boys.
Stoked to see you, too, buddy.
Keep it chinchilla.
Kahji is getting married today.
Fuck me.
Hey, puppies.
- Hi.
- Hi!
Oh, my gosh, you made
such good time.
There's no traffic.
It was the craziest thing.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Oh, look at you!
- Hey.
- You are taller.
- Really?
- I think you're...
I feel taller, yeah.
Hey, did you like the sign
I put on the front door?
I did, yeah.
Did you make that today?
I texted you like two hours ago
that I was coming home.
Yeah, and I ran to the store
and got all your favorites.
Orange juice, Goldfish,
Gatorade, everything.
- Sweet.
- Yes.
So what do you wanna do?
Do you wanna watch a movie?
Do you wanna go to a movie?
We could hike with the dogs.
We could also
go play putt-putt or...
You're making a face.
Yeah, I'm actually busy today,
I'm going to a wedding.
I meant to tell you,
but I forgot.
- Oh, you are?
- Yes.
It was a super
last-minute thing,
but, yeah, I got to go,
I'm going to be busy all day.
Oh, that's... well, that's kind
of neat going to a wedding.
That's fun.
- Yeah.
- Great.
Well, good.
- Yeah.
- It's good to see you, though.
- So great you're home.
- I'm so excited.
Do you have...
Is the breakfast ready?
I'm starving.
I don't understand why are you
going to this guy's wedding
if you aren't really
friends with him.
Thank you, gracias.
I mean,
we were friends with him.
He was just like...
He was just, like,
this really weird friend
that we hung out with in
the high school, I don't know.
Alec and I are kind of going
as a joke more than anything.
Alec is going?
Yeah, it's me and him.
I don't know, I just thought
maybe you and Alec grew apart.
Why do you still think
Alec is such a bad kid?
Remember Susan Miller's son
who had to transfer schools
because Alec
used to call him a faggot?
Mom, that was
like eight years ago.
And that kid used to tuck
his pants into his socks.
That is no reason
to call someone a faggot.
It's just a hate speech, Nate.
Might I remind you,
you have a gay uncle.
I know.
- Hey, Nate.
- Hey, Dad.
- Jesus.
- Allegedly gay.
Dad, he's gay.
- He's gay.
- Yeah.
Jim, Nate was just telling me
that he has a girlfriend
he's seeing at school.
Yeah, I mean, she's not, like,
my girlfriend.
We're just sort of seeing
each other.
Well, I looked her up
on Facebook,
and she is cute as a button.
Mom, don't look her up
on Facebook.
That makes me
super uncomfortable.
I just picked her out
in a couple group shots
and read a little bit
about her "About Me,"
and then I liked
one group photo.
- That was it.
- You liked a photo?
It was a group shot.
Oh, shit.
Do you follow her?
She'll think
I'm somebody's aunt.
No, We have the same last name.
She's going to know it's you.
Don't like any photos.
No social media.
Delete your accounts.
You don't need Facebook.
I don't do the Facebook.
I don't have time
for the Facebook.
Okay, I will go in
and unlike it.
She will never...
I did it like eight minutes ago.
Don't unlike it.
She'll notice that you liked it
and unliked it.
Just don't...
I don't know how...
Just please delete
your accounts, please.
And what the hell is going on
with your car, anyway?
I looked inside,
there's fast-food bags,
there's cups everywhere,
you can't even see
the damn floor.
I mean, it's kind
of disrespectful to us,
Nate, seriously.
Dad, how many times I told you
to get me a beater.
I didn't want
a car that nice.
You knew I was going
to trash it.
What did we do wrong?
I mean, what teenager complains
about driving a Range Rover?
When I was a kid, my parents
didn't have the money
to buy me a goddamn thing.
You know where I slept
when I was a baby?
I do, please tell me again.
In a drawer, in their dresser
that they stuffed blankets in
'cause they couldn't afford
a crib.
Dad, what difference does that
make to you if you're a baby?
You have no memories
when you're a baby.
That makes no sense.
I got memories, kid.
It's ready.
Thank you.
The drawer thing is getting
a little stale, honey, just...
I'm just trying
to make a point, babe.
All right, guys.
It's good to see you.
- You're leaving already?
- Yeah.
I told Alec I'd meet up with him
before 12:00, so I gotta go.
- It's good seeing you, Dad.
- All right, kid.
- Bye.
- Honey, you just got here.
I know, I'll come home more,
I promise.
Thank you so much for breakfast,
Isabelle, thank you so much
for breakfast.
Love you guys, bye.
You are gonna be sober
at this wedding, right?
I just know how crazy
Alec can get when he drinks.
I don't want you
to get in trouble.
We won't, I promise.
All right.
Love you, guys. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
He's not gonna be sober.
- Hmm...
- Hey, Val.
Well, look who's here,
the college boy.
Yeah. Oh, sorry.
So how are you liking school?
It's good, I like it a lot.
It's a lot of fun.
Oh, I bet.
I'm sure the girls got
their hands all over you.
Uh, I don't know.
Well, I can't say I blame them.
- Hey, what's up buddy?
- What's up, dude?
Good to see you, man.
Good to see you too, man.
What the fuck is this?
You a vest guy now?
Is this all the frat guys are
wearing at rich kid university?
Stop touching me.
It's a nice vest.
No, it's beautiful.
I'm just fucking with you, man.
Hey, Mom, could you make us
some snacks?
What do you expect me to make?
You know, just some snacks.
Like what kind of snacks?
We have the... the...
the pizza,
the bagels with the pizza on it
in the freezer.
I don't know how to make fucking
pizza bagels, just...
God, go to the Quick Mart.
All right, Mom, forget it.
Oh, bam, dude.
Fuck, yes.
How do you shoot it
like that?
You just gotta push
your joystick.
This one,
you're flicking left.
Why are there two...
This one?
It's the right joystick,
Dude, you know,
I was thinking about tonight
and I really don't wanna go
to Kahji's wedding.
I say we don't go.
- Don't go to Kahji's wedding?
- I say we blow it off, dude.
Just go get fucked up
or something.
No, no, no, dude, we have to go.
That'll break his heart
if we don't go.
No, it won't.
We weren't even really friends
with him in high school, dude.
I haven't seen him
since graduation.
We could do something fun,
like go to a bar.
What bar is going to let us in?
Dude, don't worry about it,
I got plenty of spots.
Dude, stop. You don't have
any fucking spots.
Every time you say,
"Oh, I know some bouncer.
I know some guy
who's going to let us in,"
You fucking don't,
and we always end up
getting fucked up for no reason.
Let's just go to the wedding.
Dude, I really
don't wanna see Kahji,
and his weird fucking family,
and his mom
who's strangely hot.
I mean, I think
it's going to be fucking lame.
Plus, you know, what if his mom
is looking really good,
and I drink
a little too much and...
I end up wanting to fuck her?
I won't be able
to control myself at that point.
Yeah, you're right.
No, she'll be down.
No, I see the face,
I see the face,
you're super fucking pretty,
She'll be down for sure.
We really shouldn't go.
- You know what?
- You're right.
Make fun of me now, dude,
but you won't
when you walk in on me
fucking her doggy style
like it's my job.
Do you know this is going to be
his first kiss?
The fuck are you talking about,
Today at the wedding,
it's going to be the first time
Kahji has ever kissed a girl.
I swear to God.
That's bullshit.
Swear to God,
that's what he told me.
Him and this girl he's dating
are both super religious,
so they wanted to wait
until the priest says,
"You may now kiss the bride"
to have their first kiss.
It's what he told me.
Swear to God.
That's the stupidest
fucking thing
I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah, but think about how funny
it's going to be to watch.
Let's just go, man.
There's nothing else to do
around here, anyway, please.
Please, please, please,
it'll mean so much to him.
All right, fine.
We'll go the wedding, man.
Thank you.
I actually might fuck
his mom, though.
Dude, you want me to drive?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Knock yourself out.
Oh shit, hold on.
What? What? What?
Nothing, my neighbor's
just outside, man.
I don't... I don't want him
to see me.
Why not?
I don't know dude,
he's just an asshole.
Fuck, all right, come on.
Just be quick.
Maybe he won't see us.
Dude, what the fuck,
where's the hole?
It's a button, dude.
It's a button.
All right. Shh.
Hey, Alec.
Hey, Tommy.
You know, we're
in a pretty serious drought.
I think your grass might be
green enough there, Tommy.
What are you, a landscaper now?
No, I'm an environmentalist.
Do me a favor, okay?
Can you stop openly trying
to avoid me?
It's insulting.
I'm not trying to avoid you.
I just think you're
the kind of guy
that maybe appreciate your space
more than most, you know?
When am I going to get the money
for my car, Alec?
It's been two weeks already.
Tommy, I'm going to get you
your money for your car, okay?
I promise.
You know how annoying it is
not to be able
to open my front door?
Every time I wanna get in,
I got to climb in
through the window
like I'm in the fucking
"Dukes of Hazzard."
Dude, what the fuck are
The Dukes of Hazzard?
Don't be a smartass, Alec.
I know you think you can weasel
your way out of this somehow,
but you can't.
If I don't get that money
by noon tomorrow,
I'm gonna walk over
to your house
and tell your mother
that you backed into it
while you were drunk.
Don't, man, I'm going to get you
your money, okay?
You better hope so, Alec.
You better fucking hope so.
Goddamnit, dude.
What is this shit?
Why do you trash this car, man?
- I don't know.
- Why do you do it?
I'm sorry.
What happened
with your neighbor?
I fucking backed up
into his car the other night
when I was super fucked up.
Dude, you need to stop drinking
and driving, man.
I know.
I owe that dude three grand
for his car.
It's fucking ridiculous.
Yo, is there any way you can,
like, loan me the money?
I mean, I'll pay you back
as soon as I can.
No, I mean, I would,
but, like, my parents they check
my credit card accounts, so...
I can call them
and explain the situation-
I mean, they might...
Maybe they'll
help you out, I don't know.
No, I don't want
your mom hating me
any more than she already does.
Whatever, let's just go.
Dude, I mean, the fucking idiot
was parked on the curb.
That's fucking illegal, okay?
No wonder I would've...
I would have fucking
hit it if I was sober.
Dumbass drug dealer.
He's a fucking drug dealer.
I didn't tell you that,
he's a fucking drug dealer.
And he makes me feel
like I'm the bad guy.
It's ridiculous.
Dude, every...
what are you fucking doing?
- Hey.
- Huh?
What are you doing?
I'm posting a video
on my Snap story.
Dude, don't do that, man.
That's just a fucking tool
the government uses
to constantly survey us.
Little camera on the front?
It's not just for selfies.
Delete the app, okay?
I can't dude,
I'm already addicted.
Plus, my pledge bros and I
are trying to streak a hundred.
We're super-close.
Pledge bros?
Yeah, pledge bros, they're
the guys that you pledge with
before you get initiated.
It's a fraternity thing,
it's hard to explain.
Yeah, dude, sounds
super bro-ey and awesome.
When are you going
to invite me up, man?
- I wanna meet these pledge bros.
- I will, man.
Soon, man, I'm...
I just been
like crazy busy, you know?
How are the girls?
- Super hot.
- Fuck.
Do you remember Machelle Lone
from high school?
- Yeah.
Me and her are kind of dating.
What? Really?
I didn't even know you guys
went to the same school.
She's your girlfriend?
I don't know if you'd say
boyfriend-girlfriend, but...
Yeah, I mean, no,
she's my girlfriend.
Yeah, she's my girlfriend
for sure.
What do you mean why?
Why would you have
a girlfriend in college?
That's like...
It's a rookie mistake,
my friend.
Well, fuck, dude,
I thought you'd be stoked.
Machelle was really cool
in high school.
Dude, hookah bars were cool
in the high school, man.
But you don't see us
doing that shit anymore.
Come on, you're never thinking
about all the girls
you could be getting down with
at these frat parties?
I mean, not really,
to be honest, dude.
Like, she's
pretty fucking cute.
Let me ask you something.
Do you have any specific
memories of brushing your teeth?
Of brushing my teeth?
your fucking teeth.
Yeah, I have plenty of memories
of brushing my teeth, Alec.
No, I'm talking
about one specific memory
of brushing your teeth.
Can you think of one?
- I don't know, I guess not.
- Exactly.
Because it's something
you do every day.
Your brain gets so used to it
that it doesn't make
any new memories from it, right?
- Right.
- Okay.
So, therefore, having sex
with the same girl every day
over and over and over again
isn't gonna make
any new memories either,
and you're gonna regret it
when you're old
that you didn't
take advantage of being young.
Change is a good thing, my man.
You can't make every day
become the same cycle,
or it's all
gonna be forgotten.
Unless you save it all
on your Snap story.
Right, just like every other
fucking retard
in our generation.
So where are we going?
What are we doing right now?
We're going to smoke.
You can if you want, man.
I haven't really been smoking
that much lately.
Well, that's too bad
'cause I just bought an eighth
of the dankest weed
I've ever smoked in my life.
Dude, what are you doing
buying weed
when you owe
your neighbor money?
Oh don't worry, man.
I'm gonna pay him back.
I just thought that,
you know,
we can fucking
get high together.
I haven't seen you
in months, dude.
This is going to be fun.
What kind of weed is it?
Oh, I don't know.
Let me check, man.
Purple Mountain Donkey Cock.
What, dude?
No, I don't fucking know
what it's called.
It's just smokey, come on.
Come on, dude.
All right, all right, fine,
fine, fuck.
We're going to the spot?
Oh, yeah.
we're going to the spot.
Dude, I forgot
how sketchy this spot is, man.
What are you talking
about, man?
This is great.
There's joggers everywhere.
Look at this fucking view, dude.
This is ridiculous.
Where are you gonna find
a view like this?
You know, I used
to fuck Kelly here,
like, all the time
in high school.
No, no, no, Bridget.
That was Bridget.
Yeah, that was Kelly.
Right here.
Dude, what the fuck?
You're barely lighting it.
Come on, get big
and snap the bowl.
There you go.
That's a big boy.
That's big boy move.
Oh fuck, dude, fuck.
Put that shit down.
Put it down, put it down.
Oh, no.
Okay, swallow it.
Dude, look at me right now.
Fucking swallow the smoke, dude.
I can't have smoke in this car.
Oh no.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Listen, man, you really
shouldn't have smoked in here.
Give me the fucking bowl.
Give it to me give me.
Give me the lighter, too.
Give me the lighter, hurry.
All right.
Oh, God, no.
All right, we should be good.
We should be good.
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.
All right, just let me do
all the talking.
Just let me do
all talking.
- Oh, shit.
- We'll be fine.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
He is coming, man.
Fucking get your head
in the game, all right?
Let me do the talking.
Let me do the talking.
Hey there, officer,
how's it going?
It's illegal to park a car here.
You guys are going
to have to move.
Okay, I'm sorry,
I didn't know that.
We'll get out of your hair.
Why are his eyes so red?
He's in a frat.
So they, like,
farted on his pillow
'cause he's, like, pledging,
and so he got...
He got pinkeye
in both of his eyes.
I smell marijuana in here.
Will you boys mind stepping out
so I can search your vehicle?
No, no, not at all.
You know what I should do?
What I should do is write you
both up for misdemeanor
for smoking cannabis
in a public area.
But you know what?
I was your age once, huh?
I know how it is.
Smoking a little weed
with your buddies, it's a blast.
But sooner or later,
that weed you're smoking,
it's gonna turn
into other things.
Acid, powder, pills,
crystal, meth, crack.
And before you know it,
you're going down
on another man
in a mall parking lot
just to pay
for a dime bag of smack.
Look, all I'm saying is,
is be careful out there, huh?
And don't do stupid stuff
in public areas.
Yes, sir.
Consider this your warning.
Thank you.
What the fuck just happened?
Dude, I'm like 85% sure
that guy blew someone for drugs.
- What the fuck?
- It's fucked up, man.
I'll definitely die
if I go and get it, huh?
- Yeah, you'll for sure die.
- Yeah.
Fuck, man.
I'm not going to Kahji's wedding
without any weed.
We'll just pick up some more.
I'll pay for it, I don't care.
Dude, the guy I get it from
is in Seattle,
so that can't happen.
Dude, there has to be someone
we know who can get us weed.
Oh, shit, dude, there is.
Ernie Wolf.
He lives around here.
He's got a marijuana card.
Dude, I fucking hate Ernie Wolf.
Yeah, he's a tool,
but we kind of don't have
any other options, do we?
Should I call him?
- Yeah, go ahead.
- All right.
[I don't know how to say it.
Holy shit,
look at that thing, man.
You think
he'd let us drive it?
There's no way
he'll let us drive it.
All right.
Hey, you know what? Let's just
buy weed from him and go.
We don't have to be here
for too long if we do that.
What are you talking about, man?
This was the plan.
We were gonna come here,
smoke with him and leave.
I don't want to be here
for too long.
He doesn't need fucking money.
We don't have
to buy weed from him.
The guy's loaded.
Come on, let's just do it.
Maybe he's matured
since high school, you know?
Stop judging people.
- Who the fuck is it?
- Dude.
Guys, it's me, man.
Hey, it' not even loaded.
You should've seen
your fucking face.
What's up, bro?
How you doing, huh?
Oh, come in.
Come in, come in, come in.
Nate, hurry up, come on.
That was fucking funny.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No, we're good, we're good.
He... He gave me a hug.
It's not loaded.
In and out.
It's not fucking funny, dude.
- No, no...
- Come on, guys.
I really hurt myself.
So what've you guys
been up to?
You know, man, just the same
old shit, just chilling.
Cool man.
How's the pussy at school, Nate?
Uh, yeah.
Pussy is good, man, it's good.
I bet those the sorority chicks
are so fucking hot down there.
Is it just totally insane,
or what?
Yeah, it's pretty insane,
Fuck, fuck.
You lucky motherfucker.
I wanna live vicariously
through your dick.
I do.
So what are you guys
doing today, huh?
Well, Kahji from high school
is getting fucking married,
so we're gonna go
to his wedding.
- What?
- Yeah.
- No way.
- Yeah.
Kahji, that motherfucker
is getting married?
Shit, I fucking thought
that he would die a virgin.
Yeah me too, man.
He probably still will.
Such a fucking loser.
He was such a fucking bitch!
Such a bitch.
Yeah, I mean,
the only reason we're going
is just because apparently
it's gonna be his first kiss,
and we just thought it'd be
funny to see high as fuck.
Fucking smart.
It's fucking genius.
And I can help you out
with that, all right?
Be right back.
Dude, is this fucking cocaine?
Yeah, that's definitely cocaine.
Check this shit out,
Holy fucking shit, dude.
I call her Dank Sinatra.
All right, well,
you got me all excited, man.
Let's fucking do it
and smoke it, right?
All right.
I'll call it in right now.
You don't have any?
No, no, no I use a...
I use a weed delivery service.
You can have it delivered
when you have a card.
Shh-shh, shh-shh.
Hi there.
Uh, yes, I would like
to place for delivery, please.
Ernie Wolf.
Give me a half ounce
of Dark Knight Kush.
Yeah, just put it
on the card on file.
Regular member.
Okay, 50 minutes.
Okay, bye.
Drugs are on the way, boys.
There you go.
You hungry?
Want some food?
I got pretzels and shit.
I have Gushers. Huh?
I think we're good, man.
- Fifty minutes?
- Come on, they'll fly by.
- Fifty minutes?
- Just relax, just relax.
Before you got here...
I took the liberty
of inviting over some company,
I think you both
will enjoy very much.
Uh-oh, some ladies?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes, dude, yes. Right?
What's the scoop on them?
Do we know them, or they...
Did they go to high school
with us or?
You guys ever been
on Cityscape Top Biz?
- Uh...
- No.
- No.
- Dude, check this shit out.
Check this shit out.
Look, this is
some high-end shit, all right?
These chicks are totally shaved.
She sat on my face last week.
I swear to God, 4 p.m. Tuesday,
this couch right there
where you're sitting.
Anyway, I ordered two
about an hour ago.
- Ordered?
- Yeah.
Sandy and Heather.
I mean, that's probably
not even their real name,
but who gives a fuck, you know?
Dude, you ordered
No, well...
No, technically,
they're escorts.
You pay them to hang out,
they don't have to fuck you.
But they do!
You can do
anything you want to them.
It's fucking awesome.
Oh, shit, what time is it?
Oh, they're gonna be here
All right, yo, I'm gonna shave
my pubes, all right?
There's beer in the fridge.
Help yourself.
Help yourself, all right?
Get ready to party,
they're gonna be here soon.
Oh, shit!
Dude, that guy is fucking crazy.
Let's get the fuck out here.
What dude, why?
We haven't even
smoked this thing yet.
I don't wanna be here
for the prostitutes, dude.
This is gonna be...
This is gonna be too weird.
You don't have to fuck them.
It'll be fine.
He even said so.
I don't wanna sit here
while you and Ernie do, okay?
I'm not gonna fuck
any prostitutes.
Alec, this guy's coked out
in the middle of the day.
He's fucking nuts.
Oh, shit.
You guys stay seated, I got it.
Oh, shit. Dude, let's go.
Let's just go.
It's too late, man.
We are in this.
- Let's just go.
- We are in this man.
Hang on tight.
All right, great.
Cool, this is happening, okay.
Guys, this is Sandy,
and this is Heather.
this is Nate and Alec.
Hi, guys.
Sit down.
Oh, my god,
it is so hot outside.
I know.
And it's not even summer yet.
Wait, wait.
You know why that is, right?
Global warming.
Scary shit.
I mean, I don't know
the science of it all,
but apparently
we are all fucked.
Well, I'm gonna use
the restroom.
Ernie, do you mind?
Yeah, use mine.
Down at the end of the hall.
Thanks, man.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Oh, my God, I love your vest.
Oh, no, it's...
It's a...
It's a stupid vest.
Oh, man, I feel
really lonely over here.
I wanna come join you, guys.
It's hard
to get to know somebody
when you're sitting
from a distance like that,
you know?
Hmm, yeah.
Now we can get to know
each other even...
What do you think, Nate?
Should we get to know
each other better?
I don't know.
This fucking guy.
You know,
I think connections are
the most important thing
in life.
- Hmm.
- You know?
It's the reason
we're all here.
It's the reason
we all do what we do...
...even if it's just physical.
Do you agree?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
You know, Nate,
my mom just called.
The dog got out again, so we
gotta go help her find it.
Oh, shit. Uh...
We should definitely
go help her right now, right?
What the fuck?
Heather, it was so nice
to meet you.
And it was...
- Sassy?
- Sandy.
Sandy, it was so nice
to meet you, too.
Ernie, good to see you again,
Thanks for having us
over, man.
What, you're leaving?
Well, we gotta go find the dog
before the kill shelter
does the fucking...
you know, shoot the thing.
So great to see you guys.
Thank you.
- Dude, is that an actual boner?
- Shut the fuck up. Let's go.
Do you still want to fuck?
I mean, I guess.
Holy fucking shit, dude,
that was fucking crazy man.
Oh, my God.
Thank you for saving me, dude.
Dude, no problem.
Dude, those girls were actually,
like, kind of hot.
Yeah, man, they're okay.
Dude, the one sitting next to me
was like...
She was ready to go, dude,
like, her hand was like...
It wasn't touching my dick,
but, dude,
it was, like, really fucking
close to my dick.
Dude, you're
pretty fucking giddy
for how terrified you were
back there.
Can we go back?
Can you just drop me off?
Still got a boner?
You do.
Let me see it.
Dude, can you drop me...
Dude, drop me off, man.
All the Mexican food
in my school sucks, dude.
I'm not defensive about anything
about our hometown at all,
like, fuck our football teams,
fuck our baseball teams,
I don't give a shit,
but we have
the best Mexican food.
- For sure.
- Hello.
My name is Linda,
I'll be your server today.
Can I get you guys started
with something to drink?
Let's go with the Casanova IPA.
Let's get a little weird, right?
Can I see some ID?
All right, Linda,
here's the deal.
I'm not actually 21,
I'm 19, but I just
ordered the Casanova
because I know that it would
really complement
the meal I'm about to order.
And if allowed
such a privilege,
I will make sure that you see
a very generous tip
coming your way.
If you're not 21,
you have to get something else.
I understand that,
I understand that.
And you know what?
I don't wanna make you
in your place of work.
But if we can both look
at this situation realistically,
all right?
College students
such as me and my friend here
drink on average
twice as much as an actual adult
on a weekly basis.
I only have a few years
until I turn 21,
and by then, I guarantee
I'll be no more mature
than I am right now.
I also understand
it's a liability for you
allowing us to drink, right?
But the fact is our tolerance
is so ridiculously high
from the gargantuan amounts
of alcohol we consume weekly,
I don't think it would affect
our blood alcohol content
even a little bit.
So it's really
a win-win here.
It's kind of a no-brainer,
The business you work for
is going to make more money,
I will enjoy my dining
experience that much more,
and you personally will receive
a fatty tip coming your way.
What do you say, Linda?
Let's get it going.
ID, please.
All right.
I like where this is going.
Okay, one IPA.
I also think that a beer
would really complement...
- Just give me your ID.
- Okay.
- Your beers.
- Thank you very much.
You ready to order?
Yes, we're gonna get two
California burritos, please.
Okay. That it?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Yep. I'll grab those.
Yeah, sure.
- Okay, okay.
- I think I'm going to get...
Dude, please don't take
a picture of your fucking beer.
No, I wasn't.
Yeah, sure you weren't.
Fuck yeah, dude.
All right, cheers, motherfucker.
Cheers, buddy.
To your mom.
Oh, you won't finish that.
You won't do it.
You're too much of a bitch.
That's weird, dude, it's gone.
Are you okay?
I'm great, dude.
- You don't look okay.
- That was much-needed.
Oh, shit. Ooh.
See that dark haired girl?
Just, like, keeps staring at me.
No shit.
Damn, they're all hot.
Yeah, they are all hot.
They're some solid beans.
She's one of the cutest girls
I've ever seen.
Interesting, man.
Good work, my friend.
Listen, I was peeing,
I was getting some deep thoughts
and I think
Kahji's wedding
is a bad idea, man.
We should just fucking bail.
We don't have any weed.
I don't know
where we're gonna get
any weed at this point.
Pointless, right?
We can just go sober.
Who cares?
Yeah, fucking right, dude.
I'm not going
to Kahji's wedding sober.
That's the whole point
of going to Kahji's wedding,
it's to go not sober.
Plus, I need to figure out
how the fuck I'm going
to pay my neighbor back.
It's a real issue at hand.
Oh, hey, Linda.
Uh, I don't know
what came over me,
but I would like another beer.
No, you said you're only going
to order one.
Linda, honey, I understand
your frustration, okay?
I really do,
I've been there before.
But I can go ask
your manager right now
why I'm being denied service.
I can do that.
If he asked you,
you're gonna have to tell him
we're under 21, and that's why,
which would be awkward
because that would make you
the waitress who illegally
and knowingly served minors
alcohol after checking
both of their IDs.
Doesn't look too good
on your part.
Actually, I hear
it's quite frowned upon.
So if we could just do the right
thing for both of us, you know.
You're a little extortionist.
And you're punk.
I'm a punk?
Fuck, dude.
Fucking bullshit.
Hey, those girls are coming.
Put the cigarette out.
- Quickly.
- All right, all right.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. Sorry, I'm...
I'm Amy.
I'm Nate. Nice to meet you.
- I'm Alec.
- Amy. Nice to meet you, guys.
Uh, sorry, this is kind of weird
coming on to you guys like this.
No, no, it's fine.
Well, we were just wondering
if you guys wouldn't mind
doing us a favor maybe.
If you don't want to,
we totally get it, just...
Uh, yeah, sure, what is it?
Uh, okay, well, we're going
to this party tonight and...
Oh, oh, I like
this favor already.
All right.
Well, we're going to this party
and we were wondering
if you guys wouldn't mind
buying us some alcohol.
Uh, uh...
If you don't want to,
we totally understand.
It's just I don't...
- I mean, we would, but...
- Yeah, no, we totally would.
- Let's do it.
- Really?
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
What are you guys
doing over there?
Stop hiding, come on.
Come on, get over here.
- Just get over here.
- Awesome. Thank you, guys.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Get comfy. Look out,
it's a little messy in there.
This guy.
You good? All right.
Let's go.
What are you doing dude?
We can't buy alcohol.
Don't give me that, dude.
Don't give me that.
Come on, we'll figure it out.
We'll figure it out.
Get in.
All right, all right.
All right, so, Amy,
I got your name.
What are you guys' names?
- I'm Tracy.
- Hannah.
Nice to meet you guys.
You're gonna have
to forgive me if I forget.
I'm awful with names.
I'm one of those guys.
It's okay.
All right, cool.
All right, all right, all right.
I don't wanna lie to you guys.
We're only 19.
And we don't have fakes.
We just kind of sweet-talked
the waitress
in the restaurant
into giving us alcohol, so...
it might be kind of tough
to get you guys booze.
Oh, uh...
But I do have something
I think might make your night
even more fun.
Okay, what is it?
So I'm thinking,
like, 60 bucks a gram,
for the whole thing,
which is actually
a pretty good deal.
It'll save you a lot of money
in the long haul.
Alec, dude, what the fuck?
Is that cocaine?
No, it's baking soda.
Yeah, it's cocaine.
Alec, what are you doing, dude?
So what do you guys think?
Uh, we don't really do that.
- Yeah, no.
- Sorry.
Oh, okay. Well, we can...
we can bump it down
to 50 if you guys want.
No, you know, it's okay.
It was nice
meeting you guys, though.
- Bye.
- Thanks.
Oh, okay. Uh...
Uh, hey, uh...
Nice to meet you.
That went downhill fast.
Gosh, dude,
they were so fucking down.
Fuck it.
Did you steal that from Ernie?
Uh, no, I borrowed it from him.
What the fuck
is the matter with you, man?
Are you out
of your fucking mind?
Are you fucking retarded?
Did you see his fucking gun?
He's gonna fucking kill us,
you idiot.
Calm down, all right?
He's not gonna fucking notice.
Don't push me like that.
What the fuck were you thinking
selling cocaine to girls
in high school like that, man?
I was thinking
that I owe my neighbor
3000 dollars by tomorrow,
so I'm just trying
to make some money.
Forgive me
for being desperate, all right?
I'm too old
to still be putting up
with this shit, man, seriously.
This is fucking bullshit.
All right, dude,
I get you're upset
and I apologize
for what happened,
but can you get off
your fucking high horse
for a second?
It's getting annoying.
What are you talking about?
I mean, dude, just 'cause you go
to some fancy ass college
with all
your rich fucking friends
doesn't mean you're super mature
all of a sudden.
Well, I'm sorry to say it, Alec,
but my friends in college would
never do shit like this ever.
Your friends in college, dude?
Your friends in college
are a bunch of fucking pussies
that just swipe
daddy's credit card
whenever something goes wrong.
That fixes everything.
Dude, you don't even know them.
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, you're right,
I don't know them,
because you
haven't invited me up once.
Is that honestly
a fucking surprise?
If I invited you up,
you would just blackout
at every party
and make a fucking idiot
out of yourself
'cause you're fucking drunk,
You'd be a fucking
All right, I didn't mean that.
I just...
I don't know, man, it's...
I just have a lot
of adrenaline in me.
It's cool, then.
Look man, let's just...
Fuck it, dude,
let's just go get
some weed for the wedding
and go like we planned,
all right?
I promise we can get so high
that we will forget
we even had this conversation.
- Okay?
- Okay, dude.
Uh, where are we gonna get weed
at this point?
I don't know, uh...
As of right, now I can
only think of one person, but...
I don't think
you're gonna like it.
What the fuck do you want?
Don't touch my cat,
he's diseased.
Oh, what?
Okay, look.
I'm all out
of my normal weed, but...
I have these edibles.
Thirty-five bucks a pop.
Tommy, 35 bucks a pop,
man, that seems
like kind of a rip-off.
How about you pay me or get out?
Yeah, we'll just pay.
You got... You got this?
Yeah, do you take Venmo?
What the fuck is a Venmo?
Venmo is an app
where you can send payments
to people on your phone.
No, no phones, no apps.
I need cash.
I don't... I don't have any cash.
Do you have cash?
- Yeah, I got cash.
- Okay.
I'll just Venmo you
my half.
Uh, you should really consider
getting Venmo.
It's, like, super convenient.
Forget about the fucking Venmo.
Seventy dollars.
Oh, and don't eat
the whole thing at once.
I don't care how high
you think your tolerance is,
eat half, see how you feel.
Thank you so much. Let's go.
No, no, hold on.
While we're here,
I think I have something
that you could be
interested in.
What the fuck is that?
It's cocaine.
What the hell are you doing
with a bag of coke?
I just figured I owe you
some money
and I can use this to pay off
some of that money.
I don't know
how much it's worth,
but I'm sure you have a scale
or something that you could...
What are you, nuts?
What do you think I am,
some kind of drug dealer?
No, I work
at a stationery store,
I sell weed to my friends
because I have a med card,
but I'm not a drug dealer.
Oh, shit.
I hate to break it to you, pal,
but you're gonna have to pay me
back the old-fashioned way.
Tommy, look at me,
man, come on.
We've been neighbors
for a long time now,
and I know you're upset
about the car thing,
I'm upset
about the car thing.
It was a total accident.
But despite
all our differences, man,
I've always considered us
to be really good friends.
- I mean, we...
- Shut the fuck up, Alec.
You're gonna pay me back
in cash tomorrow,
not in fucking Venmo
and not in fucking cocaine.
In cash, or I'm gonna walk over
to your mother's house
and I'm going to tell her
exactly what happened.
That's it, end of story.
You understand?
- Yeah.
- Good.
Now get the fuck out.
See you bright and early
tomorrow, Alec.
Bright and early, baby.
Fucking stoners.
It's like...
How do they make these?
Do they grind up, like, bud
and, like, put it in the dough?
Or is there, like, pre-made,
like, cookie dough, like...
Did you just
eat the whole thing?
Dude, you're an idiot.
He said to only need half.
Tommy is a fucking retard, dude.
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
Just eat the fucking cookie.
Stop being a pussy.
Eat it.
I mean, I end up
in a fucking ambulance,
you're gonna be
taking care of me all day.
- I can't wait.
- All right, fine.
This will be
really fucking fun for you.
Are you going to do it
or just keep talking about it?
I'll do it. Fuck.
We're so stupid, bro.
We're stupid people.
- That's great.
- This cookie tastes like shit.
I kind of like it.
All right, you good?
All right.
Let's do this shit.
We are here today to celebrate
something as special
as life itself.
The love between two people
can conquer any boundary
and overcome
every obstacle known to man,
including death.
We've come together
at the invitation
of Kahji and Maria
to celebrate their uniting
in Christian love.
Look at that motherfucker.
It's Kahji, man.
He looks good.
Look at his wife.
what I was gonna say.
- She's not bad.
- She's a hottie.
Jesus said I come to them...
Dude, are you feeling it?
Yeah, a little, like...
Like I'm high, you know,
but, like, at a really,
like, chill level,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, dude, me too.
Oh, yeah.
...that we might have
this life.
What dude, what happened?
What happened?
Why the fuck did we eat
the whole thing?
That was fucking stupid.
you need to calm down.
You look like you're about
to turn into a fucking Hulk.
Are you freaking out?
Your eyes are red as fuck.
No, they are not, dude.
Yes they are.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh, shit, dude so are yours.
Yeah, no shit.
These people will only take
one look at us
to know we are both
high off our fucking asses, man.
Kahji and Maria
are here publicly
to declare
that because of Jesus Christ...
Did that really just happen?
Dude, that old lady is fierce.
We should not be this fucked up
in a church, man.
Since when have you given a fuck
about religion, dude?
God gave us an apple, man,
and it represented temptation
and He said, "Don't touch it."
He said, "Don't touch it."
What apple?
It's like the apple of Eden,
You're not supposed to...
touch the cookie.
Well, now you are talking
about the cookie.
The cookie and the apple,
it's the same shit.
Excuse me.
This is the most
important day in their lives.
Would you please try
to keep it down?
Sorry, it's over.
It's over.
...and one
for each other.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm not that high.
I'm okay.
I'm just gonna be okay
from now on.
I'm just gonna be cool.
Oh, shit, dude.
He's looking
right fucking at you, dude.
It's like He's piercing
your soul with His gaze
and He's, like, opening
His hands
like He's, like,
"I know what you did.
I know that you're high."
This is so weird.
- He fucking knows.
- Stop, dude, okay?
Don't touch me,
don't touch me, don't touch me.
...your wife, your partner
in life and one true love...
But He knows.
Just know that He knows.
I think those boys
are both stoned.
Good times and the bad,
through sickness and in health,
for as long
as you both shall live?
I do.
- Maria?
- Put them in, bro.
Put them in.
Can you do it for me?
I'm really bad at eye drops.
What are you, a fucking child?
Just give me this fuck
and let me do it.
...respect and honor him,
laugh with him,
cry with him.
All right, just do it.
Just do it.
I'm, like, fucking...
Oh, okay.
Listen, dude, you gotta keep
your fucking eye open.
They are open.
Just fucking do it.
All right.
Through sickness and in health
for as long
as you both shall live?
I do.
present the rings.
And now by the power vested
in me, I pronounce you...
Here's the kiss.
- ...husband and wife.
- Oh, shit, dude.
Oh, shit.
Oh, fucking finally, dude.
- Whoo!
- Kahji.
Get it.
Look at those...
Dude, there he is.
He is such a geek,
dude, I love it.
Let's just go say hi
and then we'll bounce.
Oh, time out, dude.
It's a bar.
All right,
but you do the talking,
'cause I'm still,
like, tripping balls.
Fair enough.
No one's dancing.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, one of these.
I got moves.
You don't even know it,
dude, but I do.
- I can dance better than you.
- You've never seen me dance.
I've seen you dance.
You suck at dancing.
- Hey, what's up, man?
- Hey, guys.
Can we get two Jack and cokes?
Hey, could you actually...
Can you make them
doubles, please?
Sure, coming right up.
Appreciate it.
Wow, big man.
If I drink more,
I'll get less stoned.
Yeah, I know.
I like your style.
Thanks, man.
How much are they?
Oh, no, it's an open bar.
All the drinks are free.
Hold on, time out.
So you're telling me that we can
have as many of these as we like
and they're free?
Yeah, that's correct.
What's your name?
- Andy.
- Andy, fuck yes, dude.
Cheers to you.
Cheers, man.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
No, you're not.
Wow. Let's go again.
I feel way less stoned.
- Uh-huh.
- Feel way less stoned.
You didn't even look
stoned before.
Sir, does he look high to you?
Andy, fucking Andy.
Thanks, Andy.
- Kahji.
- Okay, cool.
Let's go fuck with him.
- There he is.
- Oh.
Hey there.
Hey there. How...
Oh, good to see you.
Remember me from high school?
I was buddies with Kahji.
You look great. You look great.
You did something new
with your hair.
I gotta say, I really like it.
I dig the flowers.
Hey, Alec, we should go...
Let's go say hi to Kahji, man.
You know what?
I'll be there in a sec, man.
- You go on ahead, you know.
- Let's go say hi to Kahji, dude.
He's the man of the hour.
you're pulling me away.
But we're grabbing a drink
later, okay?
All right,
I'm holding you to it.
Thank you for her flower.
I will take care of it.
I'll do anything you want me to.
Oh, someone call
the fire department.
Oh, you guys made it!
- Why not?
- Good to see you, man.
Congratulations, man.
Thanks, dude.
I'm so stoked you guys are here.
Let me introduce you to my wife.
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
Maria, these are the guys that
I've been telling you about.
Maria, it's so nice to meet you.
I'm Nate.
You know what?
We hug in this family.
I'm Alec. Pleasure.
It's a pleasure.
I've heard so much about you.
- Whoa.
- Wow, there you go...
Right in middle
of a conversation, huh?
It's been nineteen long years,
I gotta capitalize.
Can't blame you there.
- He's very serious about it.
- Yeah, no kidding.
Well, I'm going to interrupt
the capitalization.
You don't mind
if we borrow him for a second?
We got some catching up
to do, you know?
- Yeah, of course.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, we'll be back soon.
- Okay.
- Oh!
- Holly shit.
- Damn.
- Am I hard? I think so.
Let's separate you two,
you know?
Yeah, till more starts
to happen, you know what I mean?
- It's heating up in here.
- Uh-huh.
Look at you, man, you're
doing pretty well for yourself.
Married man, huh?
Call me daddy.
Big Daddy.
Andy, what's up man?
Can we get three shots
of tequila, please?
That's right, baby.
Hey, listen, uh...
So I know that you were, like,
putting on a show
for your family and everything,
but you can level with us.
That really... that wasn't really
your first kiss, was it?
Told you man, this guy's legit.
Yeah, what a legend.
Let's do this.
Thanks, dawgs, I'm chilling.
- No.
- Come on, man.
You... It's
your fucking wedding, dude.
- Take a shot with us.
- It won't kill you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Whoa! Ooh!
Yeah, that'll loosen you up,
You're gonna need it
for tonight.
Are you nervous?
About what?
Can we get just three more,
- Sure.
- Thank you.
You know, like, it's gonna be
your first time,
it's going to be her first time.
Seems like a lot
of pressure, right?
Well, technically
it's not her first time, so...
Wait, what do you mean?
Oh, boys, shake this, all right?
Here we go.
Hold on, time out.
What do you mean it's not
gonna be her first time?
Well, she had a boyfriend
before me when she was younger,
but, you know,
she joined the church
and she reclaimed
her virginity, so...
Yeah, so it's all good now.
Reclaimed her virginity?
Alec, Alec,
let's take these, okay?
Round two, here we go.
Here we go.
Round two, baby.
- Let's do it.
- To Kahji.
Dude, so she's had sex before
and you haven't?
Alec, dude, forget about it.
She reclaimed her virginity,
it's fine, okay?
No, no, no,
it's fine, it's fine.
I'm just saying, dude,
like, I don't mean
to freak you out,
but it's gonna be weird
when she knows
what she's doing and you don't.
You know what I'm saying?
Look, we really love each other,
So it's gonna be all right.
Look, my... my family
is calling me for photos.
- I gotta go.
- Go for it, man.
Go kill them out there, okay?
You put on a good show
out there, right, buddy?
What are you being a fucking
asshole to him for, man?
You're fucking freaking him out,
No, I'm not being
a fucking asshole, dude.
I just think it's bullshit.
He got fucking swindled,
dude, all right?
Think about when they go
to bed later.
He gets in her pants
and finds out something
he doesn't like, you know?
Maybe she has like an abnormally
wide vagina or...
- What?
- I don't know, man.
Crazy shit happens
like that sometimes.
What are you talking about?
I mean, it's one thing
if they're both virgins,
but it's an entirely other thing
if she isn't and he is.
I mean, she's never
gonna fucking respect him.
She's never gonna respect him.
She's always gonna
look down on him, dude.
Girls fucking hate it
when, you know,
a guy doesn't know
what they're doing.
Poor little guy.
For you.
All right.
But after this, we're taking
a break, okay?
You know it.
I'm just trying
to get fucking wasted.
Me too, dude.
Can't wait.
All right, cheers.
Oh, fuck.
- Oh, shit.
- Whoa.
- Hide.
- What, man?
Fucking Ernie
just walked in.
Are you kidding me?
How the fuck
did he find us, man?
Dude, I don't know, maybe
because you've been posting
fucking a bunch of shit
on your gay little apps all day.
You left them
a social-media trail
of breadcrumbs, motherfucker.
Ernie, dude.
What's up, man?
Where the fuck is it, Alec?
Where's what, dude?
Look, don't fucking
jerk me around.
Where the fuck is it?
I'm not jerking anybody, dude.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Don't fuck with me, Alec.
Where's my cocaine?
I know you stole it.
Fucking relax, dude.
Shut the fuck up, Nate,
you two-faced faggot.
Hey, man, relax,
we're at a fucking wedding.
Dude, what are you doing here?
These fucking guys
stole something from me,
and I'm here to take it back.
No, no, we didn't steal
Alec, I'm gonna give you
to the count of three
to give me my shit back.
And then I'm going
to beat the shit out of you
in front of all these people.
Dude, what's your problem?
What's my problem?
You're defending these guys.
They don't even
fucking like you.
The only reason they wanted
to come to your wedding,
because they thought
it would be funny
to watch you
have your first kiss
while they were on drugs.
That's what they told me.
They don't give a shit
about you.
They just wanted
to make fun of you
while they were fucking stoned.
Look at them,
they're fucking high as fuck.
If you guys wanted cocaine,
I would have given it to you.
I tried to get you laid,
for Christ's sake,
and this is how you repay me?
Listen, man, I'm sorry, okay?
I was in a really bad place,
I know you guys think that I'm
some rich parentless douchebag.
Yeah, I might do a lot
of fucked-up shit to myself,
but at least I don't do
fucked up shit to other people.
You guys really hurt
my feelings today.
Congratulations, Kahji.
Fuck you, guys.
Damn, that's fucked up.
Dude, everything that Ernie said
was total bullshit, man,
I swear to God.
Yo, the guy's a fucking
psychopath, all right?
He lies all the time.
We've been excited to come
for this for months, honestly.
Absolutely, man.
We've been talking about it.
- Yeah.
- Look.
Honestly, guys,
I don't really care anymore.
I'm not stupid.
I know you guys
never really liked
hanging out with me
in high school.
You only liked
hanging out with me
because I did your homework,
and you got As in algebra.
But I don't need you guys
You know, I'm married now.
I only invited you here
because I wanted
to prove to you both
that I was worth something.
And I wanted to see
how much you guys have grown
since the last time
I saw you, but...
It looks
like nothing's changed,
you guys are still doing
the same stupid shit
you did in high school,
and that's great and all, but...
It's not something
I wanna be part of anymore.
Fuck, dude, we're really sorry
for ruining your wedding, man.
She's a really
beautiful girl.
We're really happy for you,
- Yeah, she is a fox, bro.
- A fox, buddy.
I'm gonna fuck her
really hard.
Hey, I'd invite you both
back in, but...
I'm pretty sure
my entire family hates you.
- Oh, no, totally.
- Yeah, they...
- Makes sense.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
- It's good seeing you, guys.
Yo, Kahji.
Good luck
on the other side, man.
Get big, baby.
Jesus fucking Christ, dude.
What a mess.
Hey, can you drive?
Are you good?
No, dude,
I'm still pretty fucked up.
All right, here, give me
your keys and switch spots.
Let's just sit in here.
We'll listen to the radio,
we'll chill
and then we'll sober up.
We'll leave
in a little bit.
All right.
Hey, I don't mean
to sound like...
Like gay or dramatic
or anything,
but I'm sorry I was
a dick to you earlier, man.
That wasn't chill at all.
Dude, don't worry about it, man.
I'm over it.
Honestly, I miss you a lot
when I'm at school.
No, I... Honest, I really do.
I just...
I think I didn't invite
you up because I was just...
I don't know,
I was just embarrassed
about the way things
were going for me there.
I don't know, The only
fraternity that gave me a bit
was, like, the lamest one
on campus.
Honestly, everyone
I hang out with
annoys the living shit
out of me.
What about Machelle, man?
I thought that that
was going well.
No, it's...
It's not.
Why not?
I don't know, It's just
she's not really my girlfriend.
We just... we're just kind of
like seeing each other, but...
I thought by now,
like, she would be, but...
I don't know, we just haven't
been able to, like, cross
a certain, like, barrier
or whatever you wanna call it.
Like you guys
just don't click or...?
I don't know, man.
For some reason whenever...
Whenever we're gonna have sex,
it just...
doesn't happen, I just...
I don't know, I just...
I get really nervous and...
I mean, it's... it's not...
it doesn't matter, dude,
it's not worth talking about.
It's not a big deal.
So, are you saying you haven't...
you haven't lost it yet?
I don't know
if it's her or if it's me
or what the fuck it is, but...
It's like you said, dude.
Girls don't like guys who don't
know what they're doing.
I mean, fuck, fucking Kahji
is getting laid before I am.
That's fucking sad.
No, dude, I'm a fucking idiot,
all right?
I don't know
why I said that earlier.
The reason
you can't fuck Machelle
is probably because you just
don't like her that much,
and that's fucking normal.
That's the way it should be.
Plus, I'm sorry to say it,
but Machelle
is a psychotic bitch.
You know?
But that little Kahji
was right, man.
I mean, he totally
changed my perspective.
In life, there's men,
and there's women
and we are the complete opposite
of one another.
But at the end of the day,
it's all about finding
that one that you have,
like, just a genuine connection
with, man.
I mean, and I'll admit it,
I haven't had sex in a while.
And I fucking mean it.
'Cause all the chicks I work
with that are beat as fuck
and they are the only ones
I have access to.
But it doesn't matter, dude.
You're fine, all right?
We'll find a Maria.
Just trust me.
Yeah, no, you're right.
And you know what, dude?
It's probably for the best.
I mean, Machelle gave me
chlamydia in high school.
Wait, what?
Yeah, dude, fucked up.
Wait a minute, you and Machelle
had sex in high school?
Yeah, man.
Oh, my God, dude, oh, fuck.
It still stings when I pee.
Oh, God.
Yeah, I don't know
what to do about it.
- I just kind of...
- See a doctor, dude.
Well, I just kind of pretend
it's gonna go away,
and it never does.
- It doesn't go away.
- It sucks, man.
It's scary. I'm scared.
Dude, do you know
what you're gonna do
when you grow up?
Like, you know, when you get out
of college and shit,
you know what you're
gonna do with your life?
I don't fucking know.
I have no idea.
Thank God.
I'm so sick of people telling me
they know exactly
what they're gonna do
and how they're going to do it.
You know? It scares me,
It scares the shit out of me.
I'm just a waiter who barely
graduated high school.
What can you do?
Where can you go from there?
Yeah, but if you want
to be successful,
it's good to start
at a humble place.
I mean, where the fuck
am I supposed to go, dude?
My dad grew up sleeping
in a fucking drawer
and I'm driving a Range Rover.
I mean, that's why my car
is trashed all the time,
it's because I hate it.
I fucking hate
how easy it was to get this.
I don't want a car this nice.
It's not good for my brain.
Jesus Christ.
Only in fucking America
do people complain
about being rich.
I mean, I'm not rich.
Dude, you're rich as fuck,
all right?
You're rich, just accept it.
All I'm saying is,
it's good
to earn things yourself
and not have everything
handed to you, you know?
The only way to get big
is to start small.
Dude, it doesn't matter
if you're rich or poor.
Everybody starts small.
What the fuck
just happened?
What is this?
What is this, dude?
Fix it.
Dude, fix it.
It's this shit fucking car,
Oh, I probably shouldn't
have played the radio
with the car turned off.
I think I drained the battery.
I gotta call
roadside service, I guess.
No, dude, that's not happening.
That's way too fucking long.
I'll be passed out
at that point.
I say we zonk out.
I'll set an alarm
for the morning.
We'll wake up
and take care of it.
Goddammit, all right, fine.
All right.
Good night, man.
Good night.
Despite all the bullshit, man,
today was
pretty fucking awesome.
Yeah, I'd say it was fun.
Good night.
Good night.
Alec, wake up.
Turn the alarm off.
Holy shit.
What the fuck
are these people doing, man?
It's Sunday, dude.
They're going to church.
That makes sense.
All righty.
Dude, how the fuck am I gonna
get three grand by today?
I don't know, is there anyone
at work that can help you out?
No, man, my dad's gonna have
to pay for it.
He's gonna fucking kill me.
I'm sorry, man.
It's okay.
I guess there's a lot of things
I need to change.
Shit, if this isn't
a wake-up call,
I don't wanna to see
what will be.
Dude, if there's anyone I know
who can get out
of this situation, it's you.
You'll figure something out.
Don't worry about it, man.
You know what?
You're right, I will, man.
I will figure something out.
Thank you.
Yeah, sure thing, man, yeah.
- Good hanging with you today.
- Yeah, you too, brother.
- Later.
- See you.
And hey, you should come up
to school some time
and visit me
and meet my friends.
I think you'd like them.
Yes, dude.
That sounds awesome.
Just let me know.
- I will.
- Cool.
Hey, man, good luck
with the whole Machelle thing.
Yeah, thanks.
Do you remember me?
Yeah, I do.
It's uh... it's...
- Amy.
- Amy. It's Amy, right.
Oh, my gosh.
It's so nice to see you.
Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
I didn't think I'd...
- I know. This is weird, right?
- Wow, this is really weird.
- Yeah.
- Uh...
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry about yesterday.
I'm so, so sorry.
I'm not, like, a drug dealer
or anything.
It's fine.
My friend, he's just like...
My friend from high school,
he's just, like,
out-of-his-mind crazy.
I, uh...
I'm sorry, that must have scared
the shit out of you.
It's okay.
Seriously, no.
I have crazy friends too.
- You do?
- Yeah.
So, okay, get this,
yesterday my friend
sold ecstasy to my brother.
- Was he a little brother or?
- Yeah, yeah, little brother.
Little brother, okay.
Yeah, he's 15, so, yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, little.
It's young to be doing ecstasy.
- Fuck, you must've been...
- Yeah, I know.
You must've been furious.
Oh, I was pissed.
So pissed but...
I think I was more just pissed
at being friends with her
in the first place.
You know? But...
What are you gonna do?
We all need crazy friends,
I mean, they're the ones
we make all our memories with.
That's why we keep them around.
Yeah, that's true. There's...
There's no way I'll ever forget
these last two days, so...
I agree with you there.
That's for sure.
It is really nice
to see you again.
It's really nice
seeing you, too.
Oh, wait.
Holy shit.
Wait, we're getting married?
No, I mean, like you seem
really nice and pretty and all,
but, uh,
I don't know, that's...
that's kind of crazy.
What are you talking about?
Fuck, it said in two years.
I don't...
I don't see myself
getting married
until I'm at least, like...
I don't know, like, 30.
Do you think you're
hot shit or something?
No, really, do you think
that I'm not
good enough for you?
Oh, no.
No, no, I wasn't saying that.
I was just saying, like, it's...
Well, I mean, you know,
it's a really big commitment...
It's a commitment?
You know, have fun
committing to jerking
yourself off every night.
You're a fucking virgin.
Wait, no, I'm not.
Yeah, yeah, you are.
I can smell it on you,
you fucking weirdo.
Oh, my God, I was just saying...
"Oh my God, I was just... I..."
You know what? Save it, okay.
I'm leaving.
Go fuck yourself.
We could get married, I...
Shit. Okay.
Fuck it.