Getting Played (2006) Movie Script
# Fallin' for you #
# For the things that you do #
# Make me feel like
I'm one with the world #
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl... #
I am really feelin' this new do.
You know, I've never done bangs before.
They really compliment my face.
Don't you think?
Oh, no, no.
That's way too expensive.
#... one with the world #
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl... #
How about some lip, sweetie?
# Remember lying awake #
# Prayin' for a man like you #
# Wishin' my fantasies
could somehow one day come true #
# I wanted someone
who'd appreciate the things I do #
# I finally found my baby #
# And that is you #
# Fallin' for you, yeah... #
Mmmwah!
Workin' it! Ha ha ha!
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl #
# Fallin' for you #
# For the things that you do #
# Make me feel like
I'm one with the world #
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl... #
I look fabulous.
# I'm fallin' for you, babe #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl #
# I'll be your baby girl #
# I'll be your baby #
# I'll be your baby #
# Make me feel like
I'm one with the world #
# I'm one with this world #
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true... #
Show time.
#... just as long as
I'll be your girl #
# Mmm, do you even know #
# That I think about you constantly? #
# Baby, realize I'm all the woman #
# That you'll ever need #
# Let me show you #
# Just how cool
I think our thing could be #
# All I want is your good lovin', whoo #
# I'm fallin' for you #
# For the things that you do #
# Make me feel like
I'm one with the world... #
You never stop, do you?
Ooh.
Gotta look good for the clients.
I want you to save some energy for me...
for later.
Ha ha.
Oh, damn.
I totally forgot.
I gotta meet with Andrea later.
That bitch.
Relax, baby. She's just a client.
It's only business.
She does not think of me that way.
She'd like to use your face
as an exercise bike.
You do want me to be successful,
don't you?
Sure.
Good. Listen...
tomorrow afternoon, after yoga.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Ohh.
- Ooh.
Whoa.
That was fabulous.
Heh.
Now I know how you stay
in such good shape.
Oh, you're in great shape yourself.
Compliments of you.
Uh-huh. Darryl does a body good.
Yes, you do.
Now, look,
you know I'm in the gym today.
I'm gonna schedule you
for a real workout.
Heh. What do you think
that was?
Ha ha ha.
Ooh. Mmm.
You know, Darryl...
I used to walk in a room,
and all the men would look.
I was such a knockout. Ooh.
You still are.
Thank you.
I want to come over there
and bite that ass.
Heh. You better leave my ass alone.
I have a love scene tomorrow,
and I don't need it all chewed up.
Can't I just get a little nibble?
No.
Tell me something, Darryl.
Are you still doing Lauren?
I told you... she's just a client.
Yeah. She's a client, I'm a client...
we're all just clients. Heh.
You must think I'm incredibly stupid.
Andrea, we have been over this.
Whatever.
Now, back to me.
Now, I need you to be honest
with me, Darryl.
Am I losing it? Hmm?
Hell no!
Good.
You are impeccable.
- Heh heh heh.
- Superb!
Stupendous!
Mm-hmm.
You are all that and a bowl of chips.
I give you... four stars.
It's a bag of chips.
You make me sound like a restaurant.
Well...
Four stars.
Perhaps it's time I revisited
this particular restaurant.
I do believe I have a reservation.
Watch the hair.
Kitchen's closed.
How about the drive-thru?
Freeze.
I've got a gun,
and I know how to use it...
so put your hands up in the air
where I can see them.
I guess it's true what they say...
about returning
to the scene of the crime.
But did you really think...
you were gonna get away
with this twice?
Now, before I call the police...
let me get a look at you.
Turn around. Take off the hood.
Now, this is a surprise.
Now, what's that number again?
Oh, yeah. 9-1-1.
No, wait. Please don't make that call.
We're both adults here.
Can't we work something out?
Like what?
Nice.
Very nice.
Very nice indeed.
But just watch it with that gun.
Oh, I'm watching it, all right.
And that's not my gun.
Uhh!
Cut!
- Good? Ha ha ha!
- All right.
Good take, good take.
Ha ha. How was I?
You guys are great.
You guys are great.
All right, that's lunch.
This is lunch.
That's enough.
Where's my robe?
- So, Lydia...
- Mm-hmm?
What's the big news?
Just a little Paramount calling me,
and I've got the hook-up.
You've got my attention.
Well, I have got you a meeting
for a major role...
- Yes! Yes!
- Uh-huh...
In the film version of The Smurfs.
- The Smurfs?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Lydia, do I look like a smurf to you?
I told you that I wanted to stretch,
not shrink.
Girlfriend, we are talking
major bling-bling here.
How major?
Ba-ling and ba-ling! Ha ha ha!
You know, I always thought
those smurfs were real cute.
I could rock that hat, right? Pow!
Whoo! Boy...
Wouldn't mind the color blue, either.
You'd look great.
It's a good shade for me. Mm-hmm.
And on top of that, guess
who will be directing this little movie.
- Who?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe Mr. Spike Lee.
Spike Lee is gonna be directing
The Smurfs?
Oh, it is going to be off the chain.
OK, OK, all right. What else?
Oh, the network keeps calling.
They really want you in a series,
and they will not take no for an answer.
That last script was awful.
Oh, it was horrible.
It was wack. I know.
But this time,
they've got kind of a new concept.
What is it?
They would like for you to play
a recently divorced housewife.
Oh, come on. Two kids... that's it.
How old are the kids?
I'm not trying to look old.
- No!
- Honey, I'm Andrea.
- You are.
- Fabulous, young, fresh, mwah!
- You know what I'm sayin'?
- And it stays that way, OK?
So I'm sure I could get it down to,
what, kindergarten.
OK, well, what about the script?
Mm. It is da bomb.
Oh, it's gonna blow up.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
And if this thing
goes into syndication...
oh, you are going to be livin' chilly.
Mm-hmm.
Can I have another drink?
Uh, you better slow down
on the drinks, girlfriend.
That's a margarita, not a slurpee.
Oh, don't worry about me.
It's all gravy.
What is going on with you, though?
Come on, you can tell me.
Oh, look, I am not only your agent.
I am also your sista.
So come on, tell me. What is really,
really, really, really good with ya?
It's just strange that
we're having lunch at this hotel.
Something happened to me here
a few years ago.
- Ha ha.
- Well, what is it?
A few years ago,
I was seeing someone...
and I had this sneaking suspicion
that he was seeing someone else...
- Mm-hmm?
- I just couldn't prove it.
You don't call me like you used to...
- I'm working!
- You're working.
Look, baby, I promise you
that you are the only woman in my life.
I just want you to tell me her name!
Robert, be a man about it
and tell me the truth.
Andrea, I am telling you the truth.
There is no other woman
in my life except you.
I accidentally stumbled
on some incriminating evidence.
Bingo. Gotcha.
Nice to see you.
You, too. You, too.
Thank you. The usual.
Apple martini, bourbon and water.
Up to the room.
On its way.
I'm sorry.
My boyfriend's cheating on me.
Do you understand?
Nice jacket.
So, you just come down from...
You have a guest by the name
of Robert Mitchelson.
Could you please tell me
what room he's in?
Madam, I'm afraid it's hotel policy
never to give out that information.
He's in room 235.
- Room 235.
- Yep.
- Just down there.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
235. No, wait.
I'm gonna need a key for that room.
Madam, we would never, never...
give out a guest's key
without his permission.
Did you want an extra key with that,
or just the one?
- One will be fine.
- OK.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy your stay.
- Oh, I will.
Room service.
Just leave it.
Oh, I'm leaving it, all right.
Oh. Andrea.
Uh...
This is not what it looks like.
Is that right?
Do I look blind to you?
Because it looks to me
that you're in a hotel...
waitin' on your ho
to come out and do your business.
Where is she?
Where is the little ho at?
Where is the no-good bitch at?
I am not a ho,
and I ain't nobody's bitch.
Ohh!
I told you you were the only woman.
No. No, no, no. You gotta be
kidding me. OK. This is just a dream.
Somebody needs to come
and wake me up!
Robert...
now, it is bad enough
that your girlfriend...
has turned out to be a boyfriend...
but he's even wearing my robe!
Missy, this is not your robe.
It is not even close.
That's my man, and that's my robe.
I know my robe when I see it.
OK, I want you to call me Crystal...
'cause I want you to be
crystal clear on this...
I designed this robe,
so don't even go there!
Oh, I'm gonna take you there, all right...
Aaaah! Aah!
Mm! Ah!
Andrea Collins! Andrea Collins!
Robert, you did not tell me
you were doing Miss Andrea Collins!
Andrea Collins, I am so sorry.
I did not mean to be doing your man.
Let me just tell you,
I have seen all of your films...
and you are
one of my favorite actresses.
Thank you. Ha ha.
Andrea Collins,
you're even more beautiful in person...
th-th-than you are on TV.
I loved your TV show.
- Loose Ends?
- Yes!
Ooh, girl, you were nasty in that one.
- Wasn't I?
- Ooh!
And I watched every episode.
I even saw the reruns.
Well, that's great. Heh. Great.
So, you really designed these robes?
Oh, yes, girl. I designed this robe.
I found the fabric, the Chinese satin...
I even found a Chinaman.
He had two colors... black and cherry.
I put 'em together
and made black cherry!
Oh, no, child. Put that up.
Oh, I'm so sorry, baby.
Oh! Ooh!
I love your coat!
Oh, this old thing?
Excuse me! Andrea...
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
- Now, back to me...
- Yes?
So, whatever happened to Robert?
Heh. Robert?
Heh.
I kicked his cheatin' butt to the curb.
Oh, well, props to you, girlfriend.
All right.
- He deserved it.
- Yes, he did.
Whoo, he was bad news, huh?
Mm. What about that other guy?
- Who, Dennis?
- Yeah.
- I hired him.
- What? You're kidding.
He became my designer,
and we went into business together.
Sure did.
Whoo! I love that. Ha ha ha!
The moral of that story is...
another boyfriend
will always come around.
But a hot stylist?
Child, hard to find.
Ooh, you go, girl!
Ooh.
Lydia?
Why don't you let me drive you home?
Oh, honey, no. I didn't drive my car.
Mm-mm. Didn't you peep my ride?
That is not your limo.
It is my limo.
Cost me a lot of cheddar, but it's mine.
Oh, I know that you have gotta slide
to the left side, OK?
But I am having a party
next week at my crib.
Why don't you come by
so we can kick it?
All right. You know I'll be there.
Good.
Oh. If you need anything, you holla.
Or better yet, hit me on my celly.
- Hit you on your celly.
- Mm-hmm.
Lydia, when did you
become so street, huh?
Oh, sweetheart,
I've been into hip-hop for years.
Yeah, you know,
I'm down with the culture.
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
Like to keep it gangsta.
Well, give me a pound on that, girl.
- OK, here we go.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, uh...
- Oh, yeah.
- Keep it real, girl.
- Oh, word to you.
- OK? OK?
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, do you have any money?
- Oh. Yeah, I got you.
All right. Well, just give me
some feedback on the callback, OK?
All right. Love you. Mean it.
Thank you for coming.
I couldn't reach my therapist.
Girl, you know we got your back.
So, what happened?
He called and broke up with me
on the phone.
He said I was too needy.
That's pathetic.
I mean, what do men want?
Girl, it's like catching a cab.
If the light's on and you're not ready...
they'll take your ass for a ride
every time.
- Words to live by.
- Hey.
Hey, sorry I'm late. Mwah.
I just had to fire my bartender.
- Joe?
- Mm-hmm.
Damn, I liked him.
He gave me free drinks all the time.
That's exactly why I fired him.
Well, you look great.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- God, I need a drink.
- Me, too.
Waiter!
- Mm. So, how was your weekend?
- Perfect.
I had my colon cleansed
and then went out on a date.
Ohh. Anyone I know?
I don't think so. He's very nice.
How romantic.
You know, dating is so confusing.
Mmm, I agree, I agree.
Maybe you haven't met the right man yet.
Well, I'll say this...
there isn't one man out there...
that I couldn't have if I wanted him.
Ha ha! I don't think men
are that predictable.
I do.
OK. What about... him?
Oh, please. Heh. It would take me...
two minutes, maybe three.
Heh! Three whole minutes?
You're right. Two. Maybe one.
OK, fine. Him.
Ha ha!
- Him?
- Yeah.
Let's be real.
That's not even a challenge.
- OK, fine.
- Ha ha!
OK. What about...
- Emily.
- What?
They're all the same.
That's a bit simplistic, isn't it?
I mean, they can't all be the same.
Well, then, let's find out.
What do you ladies say to a wager?
Ooh, what kind of wager?
A simple one.
I say any man can be seduced,
no ifs, ands, or buts.
- Agreed.
- So?
Well, think of it as a game.
We pick a man completely at random...
a total stranger, no ties to any of us.
I see where you're going with this.
- I don't.
- Of course you don't.
Look, we pick this man together...
and then we each take turns
attempting to seduce him.
Who would go first?
We draw straws.
And, to make it more interesting...
we each have only one night,
one shot, to get the job done.
You're kidding, right?
This is a joke.
But how would we know
who really won?
Hmm. Good question.
I mean, none of us would lie,
of course, but still...
there needs to be
some kind of visual proof...
of the, uh, consummation.
A videotape! I've got a camera.
As do I. Emily?
Oh, my God! You guys,
what would my therapist say? Uh-uh.
You don't have to tell your therapist
everything, do you?
That is the idea.
- What do you think?
- I love it. Ha ha ha ha!
Wait a minute. A perfect stranger?
We don't know where he's been.
Well, that's what makes it
so interesting.
I mean, it's intriguing.
If you're not up to it...
No, it's not that. It's just... I mean...
I got it!
The first one through the door.
That door?
Hmm.
That's pretty random. Why not?
It's gotta be someone.
The first man who comes in...
No. You guys,
we're not gonna do this. Lauren.
If you're afraid you'll lose, Emily...
OK, I'm not afraid.
Good.
Heh. Fine. OK. I guess.
- Great.
- When do we begin?
I say... right now.
# Ohh, yeah, yeah #
# See, you're the man of my dreams #
# I sit around
and think my luck is gone #
# Then I found you... #
- Uh-uh.
- Ooh. Oh, my God.
Oh, no. That's not right.
# You opened up my heart... #
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Single men only.
Yeah, I agree.
Yep. Singles only.
Here he comes.
Uh-uh.
- That's a do-over.
- Ha ha. Absolutely.
Yep. Do-over.
Ohh. That's another do-over.
- Ohh.
- Mmm.
- Definite do-over.
- Agreed.
You see what I'm saying, ladies?
There's not a good man around
when you need one.
- True.
- Mm-hmm.
OK, let's see what happens this time.
Heh.
Can't do nothin' with that.
Strictly dickly over here.
- Ha ha!
- I heard that.
Ha ha ha!
Ahh. Well, look here.
Ooh.
Sweet.
What do you think? Not bad, huh?
Could be worse. Em?
He's OK. Mm-hmm.
But who is he?
He's a perfect stranger.
Not for long.
- I'm gonna be sick.
- Oh, don't be sick.
You know that guy...
She is going to get all the scoop.
Watch and see.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Believe it, baby. It'll be good
for your next therapy session.
It's like me
when I play different characters.
- Oh, God.
- You get to escape.
Uh-oh. Here she comes.
Oh.
Hmm.
So, here's the story.
His name is Mark Sellers.
He's in real estate...
has great style,
so he must have money...
- Mm-hmm?
- And he is single.
Heh. That's him. He's the one.
Yep.
So... what do we do now?
Ha ha ha!
We draw straws.
Ha ha ha!
Frankly, Emily, I'm disappointed.
I mean, this kind of game-playing
seems immature.
It's reckless.
It's possibly dangerous.
You know what? I'm sure
we won't even go through with it.
I mean, you know,
this is just Andrea being Andrea.
Emily,
you and I have accomplished...
a great deal
over the past couple of years.
I would hate to see you
diminish this work...
with this irresponsible diversion.
So, when's your turn, hmm?
Last, thank God.
It's Andrea, Lauren, then me.
But you know what?
I'm sure they've forgotten all about it.
I look fabulous.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Oh!
- Let me help you out.
- No problem. I got it, I got it.
I'm such a klutz.
Sometimes I don't look where I'm going.
Have we met before?
Did I show you a house, or...
I don't think so.
You're probably right.
I would've remembered.
Me, too.
Listen, I'm sorry for the intrusion.
Can you ever possibly forgive me?
Under one circumstance.
And that would be?
You let me buy you a drink.
How about dinner?
Dinner it is.
I won't hold you up.
Here's my number.
Call me.
Whoo!
Next thing I know, someone offered me
more for the house than I paid for it.
Sold that one, bought another one...
fixed it up, sold that one, too.
Mmm. That's fascinating.
Ha ha.
So, tell me, Mark...
a guy like you... handsome, wealthy...
I'm hardly either.
Oh, come on. Don't be modest.
Heh. You're quite a catch.
Ever been married?
Engaged?
Uh, I was engaged once.
Really?
Yeah. It seems like a long time ago,
but it wasn't, really.
Well, I don't mean to pry, but...
No, it's OK. It's cool.
I should talk about it,
'cause for a long time, I really couldn't.
Hmm.
Um, we had made
all the arrangements.
It was a week before the wedding...
but something was wrong.
- It just didn't feel right, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
At first, I kind of wrote it off
as pre-wedding jitters.
Oh, I mean, it happens.
It's not uncommon.
No problem.
But as we got closer to the weekend,
it got worse.
So I asked Melinda...
that's my fiance at the time...
I'm, like, "Baby, what's wrong?"
- And...
- And?
It turns out that she was
seeing somebody on the side.
What?
And she was still in love with him.
Mm.
So, uh, she was very apologetic
about it, but she called it off.
She said it wouldn't be fair to me.
Who was the guy?
My best friend.
Damn.
That's what I said.
I mean, that girl was crazy,
if you ask me.
She made a big mistake.
You don't have to say that.
- It's true.
- But thanks.
You're welcome.
This is the first real date I've been on
since I can remember.
- Listen, Mark...
- Yeah.
I know what it's like to feel pain.
What happened to you...
nobody can make it up to you.
But... Im hoping you'll let me try.
And... this is my bedroom.
Nice, nice. Heh heh.
Thank you.
Uh, do you mind
if I use your bathroom?
Oh, sure. It's right through there.
Thanks.
Andrea, you've done well.
Oh, ha ha. You like?
Yes.
Why don't you come
make yourself more comfortable?
I'll be right back.
Hey, do you mind
if I turn on some music?
Sure, go right ahead.
Andrea. Heh.
Andrea, Andrea, Andrea, Andrea.
This girl definitely loves herself.
Whew!
Mmm.
Andrea, you are...
one special kind of lady.
Hello.
Hi.
I missed you.
And I couldn't wait.
Mmm. The thing is,
I'm just a little nervous.
I hate to rush things...
but ever since we met,
you're all I can think about.
Really?
Do you want me?
Oh, yes. God, yes. Are you kidding?
Then why do you still
have on your clothes?
Good question.
I want you to strip for me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
Let's work it.
Don't be scared.
Work it.
Work it, yeah. Work it.
Oh, yeah.
That's it.
- Like this?
- Yeah.
You want me to, like, grind on it?
- Work it. Work it.
- Ooh.
Ohh, like this?
Yeah, roundabout. Roundabout.
Yeah.
Go, Mark. Hey!
Oh. Oh, that's good.
Look at them abs, baby. Yeah!
Ha ha ha! Yeah.
Drop your back, baby.
Ohh!
Work it, Mark. Just work it.
Get into it. Yeah. That's it.
That's it. Ohh...
Ohh, what? Huh?
Go, Mark.
I feel it. I feel it. I like it.
You feel it? Yeah. Ha ha ha!
You got the freak in you!
Whoo! Shake it, baby.
Shake it. Shake it. Shake it.
- Uhh!
- Yeah!
How is it? Is it workin'? Uhh!
Drop it. Come on, baby.
You want to see somethin'? Ohh.
Go, Mark.
Mm-mm-mm. Mm.
- Want some?
- Yeah, shake it.
Shake it.
Drop it, baby! Whoo!
Ow!
- Spank it!
- Ow!
- Hurt myself!
- Yeah!
Shake it. Ohh.
- Ohh!
- Ha ha!
- Ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha! OK.
- You like that.
- Yeah.
Uh-oh. Drop it!
- Drop for me!
- Ooh!
You all right?
But I'm back.
That's it. Ride the pony for me.
Come on. Work that wall.
Work the wall. Yeah.
You like that?
This is you, Andrea.
Pow! Ohh!
Oh, that's good.
That's how I'm gonna drop it on you.
I'm tappin' it. I'm gonna tap it.
Ohh!
Oh, that's good.
Oh, that's it right there, Mark.
I'm gonna drop it on you.
Yeah. Then I'm gonna
back it up on you like that.
Yeah. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Ow!
Can you shake it like a polaroid?
Shake it, shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it, shake it.
That's it.
Shake it. Work it. Work it.
Work it. Work it.
I'm on it. Here I come.
I'm bringin' the thunder.
- Bring it.
- Uhh.
Shake it. Go, Mark. Go, Mark.
Go, Mark.
Aah!
Mark?
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy? Who's your da... huh?
I've got an early call tomorrow.
Oh, oh, oh, OK.
You want me to leave now?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Look, I had a great time,
but I gotta get my beauty rest, you know?
Close-ups.
And with you here,
I won't be able to get much sleep.
- Right. Um, maybe we can, uh...
- I'll call you.
- Well, I was wondering...
- No, really. I'll call you.
Oh, OK.
What the hell?
Man...
Ha ha ha!
Show time!
Ha ha ha!
Come on.
What the hell?
Oh, no. This can't be happening.
I don't believe it!
No-o-o-o!
No! No-o-o-o!
No-o-o-o-o!
Shit!
But it's not fair.
I know I rocked his world.
Is it my fault
that the camera didn't work?
Look, now, we go back since college.
Can't you take my word for it?
Em...
Come on, aren't we friends?
Where is the love here?
All right, fine. Be that way.
I'm going to remember that though.
You said it yourself.
No tape, no proof, no dice... you lose.
It's a stupid rule.
So, what was he like?
Let's just say he's very... sensitive.
Was he nice?
I don't have anything else to say.
Come on, Andrea, we're not the enemy.
You know what?
I say we call the whole thing off...
before we go any farther.
Look, I didn't go through all that
for nothing.
- Well, at least you got some.
- Big deal.
Hello, ladies.
- Hey, Darryl.
- Hey, Darryl.
Oh, that's right.
You two know each other.
Yes, we do.
- Andrea.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh.
I didn't forget about you, Lauren.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Love the changes.
The new decor looks great.
I don't believe we've met.
This is our good friend Emily.
Well, Emily...
have we met?
Us? No. I don't think so.
I just can't help but feel
that we've met before.
That's because you try
to meet every woman in L.A.
I don't mean to interrupt.
I'm meeting somebody for lunch.
A new client.
Right.
I shouldn't keep her waiting.
Well, Emily, it is a pleasure.
Here's my card...
in case you ever want to get in shape.
Please.
- Bye, Darryl.
- Bye.
Oh, my.
He certainly is something.
He's something, all right.
Well, all right, Miss Lauren.
It's your turn.
It's not going to be as easy as you think.
We'll just see about that, won't we?
I don't understand.
I mean, you said that they did it,
but they can't prove it?
Andrea swears they had sex...
but the camera
malfunctioned or something.
Which means she loses.
Yeah. And I would've bet on Andrea.
She's so determined.
Well, let me just ask you.
Who's up next? Is it Lauren?
Yes.
I have no doubts about Lauren.
She's a sexy successful
businesswoman.
He'll find her irresistible.
- And what about you?
- What about me?
- Well, how will he find you?
- I don't know.
And how will you feel
if you lose, right?
And what if you win, and she wins?
What if there's a tie?
I mean, is there some sort of a runoff?
- I don't know.
- Well, you need to figure it out.
Well, I don't know,
but I hired a private investigator.
You what?
Mm-hmm.
I hired someone to do some digging.
You did not.
That's good. That's very...
That's very smart.
- I'm feeling an intense guilt.
- Mm-hmm.
So, I think you were right.
It's irresponsible. I'm not a child.
I'm calling the whole thing off.
Oh, no, you are not.
No, you can't do that.
What I mean to say is that
by following this thing through a bit...
if it might not be
the most constructive path to take.
Constructive?
In that you have always had
a problem finishing things.
You're right. I... I'm curious.
- Mm-hmm.
- I do want to meet him.
I must be crazy.
Oh, no, honey.
You know we don't use the "C" word.
Sorry.
All right, Emily...
All right,
I want to know everything, OK?
I'm going to go ahead and give you
my home phone number.
You memorize it. You call me...
if there is any new information at all
at any time.
Doctor, are you sure?
Yes. Are you kidding?
I'm a professional, OK?
You just keep your mind open,
and you keep me informed of everything.
All right, Lauren, round two.
Let's go.
All right, I know this is your favorite.
Ha ha ha. I am good at it,
I have to admit.
Mm-hmm.
All right, well, let's see what you got.
- Let's turn it up.
- Mm-hmm.
- OK.
- You doing OK?
Yeah, good.
My mom likes to go at your pace, too.
Oh, OK. All right.
- Yeah?
- OK.
You're lucky
I can't get you out on that track.
I would just kill you.
Ha ha. That's what you think.
Give me some strong kicks for Darryl.
Come on, he deserves it.
Yeah. That was a good one.
That was it. Stronger.
Yes. That was great.
Yes. All right, that was nice and high,
but that's OK. That was high.
- OK.
- All right.
Yes.
- Ha ha!
- Is that all you got?
Is that all I got? OK.
I'm just warming up.
You can do better than that.
OK.
Aah!
Lauren?
Mm-mmm.
# So many times
I've pictured you, yeah #
Sorry I'm late.
No problem. Any trouble finding it?
No, no. Your directions were great.
- Are you ready?
- Yes.
Now, this house...
# Making words I shouldn't say #
# Baby, I'm dreaming about #
# Getting intimate with you #
# Sharing a moment together #
# Can you feel it, too #
# Oh, oh #
# Shouldn't keep it inside #
# Couldn't hurt to let you know #
# What you're feelin', girl #
# Should I let it show #
And here's the fireplace...
which comes complete
with its own dragons.
You are so cute.
Uh... ahem.
How about we go outside?
I want to show you...
the most amazing view of Los Angeles.
# All I got to do is close my eyes #
# And you're next to me, yeah #
# Now I question my desire #
# Is it just to me inside #
# And feel the passion fire #
# Is it more #
# Am I ready to believe #
I hope you don't think
I'm being too forward...
I'm sure this happens to you
all the time...
but I was wondering,
if you had a free evening...
I'd love to take you
to a comedy club.
- I love to laugh.
- Great.
Um, I'm free next Saturday,
if that works for you.
It works fine.
I guess I should call you.
Oh, here.
Perfect. Saturday night, then.
Mm-hmm. Can't wait.
I'll call you.
# What I never had to tell you #
# You're my fantasy, fantasy #
# Tell me why #
# All I got to do is close my eyes #
# And you're all that I can see #
# Oh, girl #
Whoo. Mmm.
# You're my fantasy #
# I like the way you do it,
the way you ride #
# I like the way you lock on
to the groove when I'm inside #
# I like the way you please #
# The way you tease #
# I like the way you're givin' me
exactly what I need #
# I like the way you do it #
# The way you ride #
# I like the way you lock on
to the groove when I'm inside #
# I like the way you please #
# The way you tease... #
So, how's your game?
You're not going to believe
what's been happening to me, man...
but I know you can appreciate it.
Ohh.
So, this... this whole thing started
about, what, ten days ago, right?
I just closed on this property.
I'm feeling good.
I decided to treat myself to lunch...
at this nice trendy spot on Ocean...
you know...
where your waitress friend
used to work.
We don't have to talk about that.
Cool, because I usually just
grab a sandwich somewhere.
But you were...
- celebrating.
- Celebrating.
Exactly, my brother.
If the light's on...
and you're not ready...
they will take your ass
for a ride every time, OK?
Words to live by.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late. Mwah!
I just had to fire my bartender.
Joe?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- God, I need a drink.
- Oh, me, too.
Waiter!
Mmm. I agree, I agree.
Maybe you haven't met
the right man yet.
Well, I'll say this.
There isn't one man out there...
that I couldn't have
if I really wanted him.
What?
I don't think men
are that predictable.
I do.
All right, fine. What about... him?
- Him?
- Yeah.
Oh, let's be real.
That's not even a challenge.
- OK.
- All right.
- What about...
- Emily, they're all the same.
That's a bit simplistic, isn't it?
I mean, they can't all be the same.
Well, let's find out.
What do you ladies say to a wager?
- What kind of wager?
- A simple one.
I say any man can be seduced,
no ifs, ands, or buts.
Agreed. So?
We'll think of it as a game.
We pick a man completely at random,
a total stranger...
and we each take turns
attempting to seduce him.
And to make it more interesting...
we each have only one night,
one shot to get the job done.
- Who said that?
- You're kidding, right? This is a joke.
I've got it.
The first one through the door.
Yeah.
That's pretty random. Why not?
So, when do we begin?
I say right now.
Aah!
Excuse me! Watch out! Aah!
Aw!
Whoo! Whew!
- Hey.
- Mr. Sellers.
Hey, you may be approached
by a lady asking about me...
and if you are,
this is what I need you to say.
# I like the way you lock on
to the groove when I'm inside #
# I like the way you please #
# The way you tease #
# I like the way you're giving me
exactly what I need #
Come on, do you think I'm drunk?
You bullshittin', right?
You making all this up to torture me.
Would I lie to you, man?
Hold up. It don't stop there.
So, like, a few days go by.
Nothing happens, so I'm figuring...
maybe these ladies had a few
too many martinis, and they forgot.
And then...
- Ooh!
- Oh!
- I am so sorry.
- Oh, man.
- Let me help you out.
- You know what? No problem. I got it.
- OK.
- Oh, I'm such a klutz.
Are you sure it was actually her?
You said you really didn't see them.
Believe me,
I managed to get a good look...
when I walked through the front, OK?
It was her for sure.
So, we made a date for dinner,
and as you can imagine...
I'm feeling pretty good
about things right now.
- Ha ha.
- It's not fair.
What's not fair?
It's happening to you and not me.
What can I say? God loves me, J.
Don't play like that.
So, where y'all go?
I took her to this sexy place
on Melrose.
I knew she'd like that.
But let me explain.
This woman isn't just beautiful, man.
She's radiant.
And she's a professional actress,
so she got to be fine.
Anyway, she's flirting.
She's bumping her leg on my leg
under the table or whatever, you know?
And not enough to be obvious...
but just enough to keep a man
playing close attention.
Right, right, right.
So, this is where
I take it over the top.
I make up this story
about my fiance...
and how she dumped me
for my best friend.
And I'm practically in tears,
and I know it's bullshit.
Denzel ain't got nothing on me, dawg.
That's my boy!
So, what happened after dinner?
Boy, where has the time gone?
You know, J, I got to get out of here.
Hey, look, look, don't play, OK?
You ain't going nowhere.
What happened? Tell me.
She practically ripped my clothes off.
Uh-uh.
She came out the bathroom.
She's standing there
in her bra and panties...
looking like she stepped out
of Victoria's Secret.
Ooh.
Tyra Banks on steroids,
everything matching.
Sweet toes.
Ooh. Sweet toes?
I'm, like, you know,
"Maybe... Maybe we should wait."
She's, like, "I want you naked now."
Whoa. And then what?
- You really want to know?
- Yes, I do.
Whew.
How long you been knowing me, man?
A long time.
And you could say roughly
I'm an experienced guy, right?
Yeah.
Let me be honest, J. We did things.
Such as?
- Things.
- What kind of things?
I'm freaked out just
thinking about it right now, man.
Well, try hard.
Let me just say,
we... we invented new positions.
I need to see my chiropractor right now.
How many?
Josh, a real gentleman
does not tell his business.
Then you should have no problem,
Mark.
Whatever.
Anyway, what she didn't know was,
when she went in the bathroom...
I found the video camera
which I knew would be there.
She hid the camera?
Amazing how devious
some people can be, huh?
Yeah.
So, I unplugged the video cable.
Are you sure you didn't dream all this?
Dream? It was real.
I've already met
bachelorette number two.
She pretended to be
in the market for a house...
so I gave her a guided tour.
Ha ha!
Smart girl.
So, what did she look like?
Whoo! Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Like that?
- Like that.
Mmm.
- Whew.
- I can't believe it.
- So, when's the next date?
- This Saturday.
I would say, "Wish me luck,"
but there's really no need to...
because as you can see,
I'm doing well. Ha ha!
Don't do that. Don't hate, Jack.
Um, any chance of you and Kim
getting back together?
- Yeah.
- I mean, I don't like being by myself.
And late at night...
when I'm at home...
man, I've been overusing
my palm pilot.
Uhh.
I'm serious. I'm starting to get
arthritis in both hands.
That's too much information, J.
I don't need to know all that, man.
There's nothing wrong
with pleasuring yourself, Mark.
Check. Ahem.
I'm only human, OK?
And I got sexual needs
that's got to be satisfied.
Check! Any check, please.
- I got a callus on this one right here.
- Help!
OK. If you ever fall in love with
a young boy, and he drop you...
I'm going to tell you
how you get back at him.
Have sex with his father.
Oh, that'll hurt him, that'll hurt him.
He come home from the club
late one night.
His father got one of them...
old Bobby Womack,
Gene Chandler records on.
He figures Daddy in there having sex
with Sister Jenkins from the church.
That's when I come bouncing out,
look at him...
and go, "Your daddy said
take the garbage out...
before you go to bed."
That'll kill him.
When he's busy, I'm easy.
You can have sex with me
on the hood of a car.
You just need to keep the car running,
so my back don't get cold.
I'm easy like that.
Mmm! And then, ladies,
you need to fix yourself up.
You need to look good. Why?
Because when you look good,
you feel good.
Wear some damn makeup.
I know I got to wear makeup,
because without makeup...
I look exactly like Wesley Snipes.
Wear some makeup.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Look at the white people going,
"I knew I knew her.
Either she was in Blade, or..."
Ha ha!
Ladies...
we need to stop
playing games with our love.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Y'all know what game I'm talking about.
You go out with a good man.
He a decent man.
You done ate up
all the steak and lobster.
Then when it's time to have sex...
you want to talk about Jesus
and the direction of your life.
You's a trick-ass bitch.
You know why?
Because you're messing it up...
for decent hos like myself.
See, when a man get his feelings hurt,
he don't change for the better.
He change for the worse...
so when I go out with him,
now he's a bitter bastard.
Now I can barely get...
a Happy Meal and Snicker bar
out this bitter bastard...
and it's all your fault.
It's not right.
Stop messing with your man
while he watching TV.
Give your man his space.
When your man is watching TV,
fix him some snacks and get out the way.
Don't try to talk to your man
while he watching TV.
Never ask your man this question...
"What you thinking 'bout?"
You know why? He can't tell you
what he thinking about...
when you say,
"What you thinkin' 'bout?"
Because you know
what he want to say?
"I was thinking
you need to get your ass...
"out of the front of the damn TV
while I'm trying to watch the game...
"but I can't say that to you...
"because I'm going to want
to have sex with you...
in about twenty minutes
when the game go off."
Owning a restaurant, that's exciting.
Not always.
Dealing with the staff...
the chef, waiters,
the busboys, bartenders.
- Quality is everything.
- Mmm.
The restaurant business
is very competitive.
Sounds like a lot of responsibility.
You must be good at it.
I am...
but it's no longer my real passion.
So, what is Lauren's real passion?
I recently became involved
with the homeless.
You know, fundraising,
building awareness.
When I think of people going hungry,
it breaks my heart.
Whew.
I've done well for myself,
and I want to give something back.
That reminds me.
I have some friends...
who volunteer
at the mission downtown...
and they hand out meals.
They're out there helping out.
How about you and I go down there
together so you can meet them?
I'd love to.
What's wrong?
Ohh. I may have had
one drink too many. Mmm.
Headache?
A little.
Ooh. You wouldn't be disappointed
if we made it an early night?
No! I mean, it's just that...
I'm having
such a wonderful time tonight.
Get me some aspirin... extra strength.
I really don't want you to go.
You don't?
I thought we were,
you know, connecting.
Was I wrong?
No, no, no, not at all.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Ah.
Oh, that feels great.
Mmm, mmm.
Mmm.
How's the headache?
What headache?
Ha ha.
God, that feels good.
I know.
You are so tense.
- Am I?
- Yeah.
You're all knotted up.
Mmm.
You must have
a lot of stress in your life.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Oh, you poor baby.
I want you to know that
I don't normally do this on a first date.
Thank you.
Now, what about your back?
Mmm. Yeah, it's broke, it's broke.
It's... It's really broke.
Do you mind if I take this off?
No. I mean, if you must.
I'll be right back.
Why don't you take that shirt off?
- Ah.
- For the massage.
Right, right.
Whew.
OK, let's see what's goin' on.
Ha ha ha!
Uh-huh. Yeah.
# Come on #
# Hey there, sugar darlin' #
# Let me tell you somethin' #
# Girl, I've been tryin' to say, now #
# You look so sweet #
# And you're so doggone fine #
# I just can't get you out of my mind... #
Oh! Ha ha ha!
Ohh.
Whoo.
Mmm.
Ohh. You know what?
You really have the touch.
Heh heh.
I have an idea.
You want me to strip for you?
Why don't I?
That works for me.
Heh heh heh.
Ahh.
Mm-mm-mmm.
# Groove me, baby #
OK. Ohh, yeah.
# Oh, yeah, now, now, darlin' #
# Uhh, come on, come on #
# Hey! Uhh! #
Mm-mm-mmm.
Oww.
Ha ha ha!
Mm.
# Here's some good, good lovin' #
Mm. All right, woman. Mm!
Mm-mm-mmm.
I want to make love to you.
OK.
# You don't need no company #
- Ha!
- Ha!
# No other man, no other girl #
What's that?
I hope you don't mind.
I love taping it.
Taping it?
Hold up. Hold... Hold... Hold...
I've never done that before.
Oh. I really get off on it.
Look, Lauren, I'm really shy, all right?
I find it very arousing...
like an aphrodisiac.
To be honest,
I'd rather this be off-camera.
You understand?
Please?
Well...
there's a first time for everything.
I should be open
to new experiences, right?
Yes! You won't regret it.
- Well, turn the damn thing on.
- Whoo!
- Ha ha ha!
- Ohh.
Heh heh heh.
- I must be dreamin'.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, baby.
Ha ha ha! Whoo!
# Come on, come on #
Ohh!
# Groove me, baby #
# Groove me, baby #
I'll be right back.
Lauren's eye in the sky.
Gotta have security.
So, what's up?
My VCR at home is broken,
so this is a world premiere.
- So, how was it?
- Be patient.
No, I meant did you...
Let's just say if this was a movie...
it would be in the adult section
of the video store.
- Heh heh.
- Really?
This is something
I like to call Girl Gone Wild.
OK, ladies. Ready?
Here it goes.
Clear! You scream it!
H-o-r-e!
What the hell's this?
Something's wrong.
I'm confused.
Um... which one is you? Hmm?
What's up with this tape?
I've got two words, honey... no carbs.
Well, maybe you switched it
with a tape at home?
I only have one tape, Emily.
OK.
Lauren, was there a reason...
that you wanted us to watch
The Jerry Springer Show?
The camera was fine. I don't...
I just don't understand this.
The light was on, he was naked.
What was your favorite rule
again, huh?
Visual proof?
- This is not fair.
- Honey, you lost.
- I did not lose!
- Yes, you did.
We did it. Twice!
- Twice?
- Twice?
Well, just to make sure.
Well, did you tape over it or something?
No, no. I made sure that it was...
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
OK, you know what?
I think we should forget
about the contest.
What?
Now?
After what I've been through?
What about what I've been through?
- What about me?
- What about you?
- You lost.
- You lost, too!
- So?
- So?
Ladies!
We're fighting... about what?
Hmm. I just don't get it.
No, on our show...
There's a "W" there.
I'm sorry, Jerry.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
I knew it was just a matter of time
before I met bachelorette number three.
And there she was.
Do you mind if I have a seat?
Oh, no. That's fine.
Do you know what time it is?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
# I made a wish #
# On a shooting star... #
- Ha ha.
- Heh.
So, what are you reading?
- Ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha!
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
- My friends think I'm too nice.
I'm sure you are.
Heh. Well, I don't know.
It's all so confusing. Who knows?
# Is it real #
# Or am I living in a fantasy? #
# I'll take my chances #
# If it's possible that miracles #
# Can happen if you're cynical #
# Someday, yeah #
# 'Cause something this good
never lasts #
# Lasts forever #
# I want it to be the first time, baby #
# I'm trying to find a way to make it #
# Something much more than usual #
# Much more than usual #
# I search the sky #
# For a sign of light #
# While Orion aimed his arrow
at oblivion #
# And I wonder #
# As the northern lights are shining #
# If they're bright tonight
for guiding me #
# Somewhere #
# Stay by my side #
# I need you here with me #
# If they're sending out a message #
# That we need to know #
# Help me through it #
# If we find a way together... #
Hello? It's Andrea.
Hey, it's me. I got your message.
I wanted to talk to you
about Emily and Mark.
You know they're getting together
this weekend.
I know. I booked them
a table at my place.
I bet you did, Little Miss Nosey.
Look, Emily's our girl,
and you know she's really feeling Mark.
I don't want to see her get hurt.
Nor do I.
Good. So... I was
thinking about putting an end to it.
How would you accomplish that?
Well, the only right thing to do
is to call Mark and tip him off.
What do you think?
I think she's gonna beat you at
your own game, and you don't like it.
That is not it at all, Lauren.
And I think you may be a little jealous.
Of Emily? Ha!
Don't be ridiculous. You trippin'.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Oh, you're definitely wrong.
You're just still pissed off...
about Jerry Springer, aren't you?
I don't understand how we both lost.
I was thinking the same thing.
That's why I should call Mark.
Look, Andrea, don't do anything, OK?
Lauren? You're breaking up.
Andrea?
Can you hear me now?
You're breaking up.
Call you later!
Unbelievable.
Hey, baby. Miss me?
Well, hi there.
Ooh.
That's my jam. Yeah. Uhh! Uhh!
Carlos, man.
He thinks he can check me, dawg.
He's over here talkin' smack to me.
I'm gonna pull out
my bag of tricks for you.
Gonna give you
some of this Michael Jordan.
You want some of this Jordan?
Ah! Man, don't reach.
You want some of that? Ha ha ha!
Huh? Y'all wanna see the show?
Come on, y'all wanna see the show?
Wanna see some of that Kobe Bryant?
Wanna see a little Kobe?
- Uhh!
- Uhh!
You don't do that to Kobe, OK?
You let Kobe go.
And that was a foul.
Check it up.
Hey.
Ha ha! Hey, Holmes.
Tonight's the night.
Mm-hmm.
You don't sound too excited.
It's a sure thing, right?
It's not that. It's just that I wish...
I wish I could've done this
differently, that's all.
Man, if you ask me,
you played it perfectly.
Did I? I'm... sorry I had to meet her
this way, man.
They didn't know
who they was dealin' with.
They tried to play you, remember?
You're the winner.
Yeah.
So, tell her the truth.
And I usually don't recommend that.
But in this case, hey...
I'm in too deep, J.
What am I supposed to say?
"Hey, Emily, I overheard your bet.
Had sex with your two friends,
but I like you more."
Yeah, that don't sound too good.
So, what you gonna do, blow it off?
I mean, this is what you wanted.
Yeah, I thought so, too,
but now I don't know, man.
Look, look,
don't beat yourself up about it.
Now, you have dinner,
do your business, and that's it.
Great advice, Josh. Really, thanks.
No problem.
Just let me know what happens.
Yeah.
Two naughty little girls.
Chocolate. Chocolate.
Damn!
Hello?
Hey, man. What's up?
Aw, nothin'. Just sitting here
watching Discovery Channel, that's all.
The Discovery Channel? What's on?
You know, nature.
Documentaries and stuff, man.
Yeah.
And actually, it's quite fascinating.
Uh-huh.
Hold on, man. I'll be back.
Somebody's at the door.
I'm sorry to bother you.
No bother at all.
What can I do for you?
I cannot get the door open.
The lock must be broken.
Lock be broke, lock be fixed.
- I'll be back.
- OK.
I gotta go. I'll call you later.
What's goin' on?
It's an emergency.
Life and death! I gotta go!
Uh, let me try that. Yeah.
If you can, I would be so grateful.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, see, this is a matter
of, uh, delicacy and finesse.
Mm-hmm.
You know? It's all in the wiggle.
- You just can't shove it in.
- Right.
Oh, and mustn't be too rough.
And before you know it...
she's open.
Yes! Oh!
So sweet. Come on in.
Ah! Thank you.
- My hero.
- Heh.
It was nothin'.
To you.
- Josh.
- Sharise.
Mmm.
You know, I can't thank you enough.
I don't know what I would've done
if you hadn't come along.
You know what?
I'm just glad I could help.
Mm-hmm.
This is delicious.
Heh heh.
Oh, no!
That's the last of it.
You mind going to the store?
You want me to go to the store?
I love this wine. Heh.
I'm going to the store.
It's right down the street.
OK.
And, Josh...
while you're there...
pick up a box of condoms.
Hey, move it!
- That was quick.
- Yeah.
I didn't want to keep you waiting.
I got the wine and...
You are simply impeccable.
Impeccable. Impeccable.
Why? Because you got it goin' on.
You got it goin' on.
Who's the man? You're the man.
Who's the man? You're the man.
'Cause you got it goin' on. Ah!
Ah! Uhh! Uhh!
# Got it goin' on #
# I got it goin' on #
# I got it goin' on #
# I got it, I got it, I got it, uhh, ahh #
# Got it goin' on, I got it goin' on,
I got it, ooh! #
Get your ass in here!
Well, all right.
Ahem.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow.
Wow.
Look what I got for you.
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
Ohh, so sweet.
All right. OK?
I'm glad you could make it.
Have to admit...
I never thought she'd get this far.
Aren't you glad
I got the closed circuit hook-up?
It's not a very good picture,
and I can't hear a thing.
By the way, did you reach Mark?
He wouldn't return my phone call.
I wonder why.
Ahh.
Ahem.
This is really nice.
Yeah, a friend of mine owns it.
Heh.
That's it, Emily. Smile!
Just flirt a little it. Be yourself.
Oh!
Huh.
- Looking for someone?
- Oh, God!
Emily, you scared me.
What a coincidence. I was just here
meeting my, uh, gynecologist for a...
Uh-huh. We need to talk.
- Huh?
- Now.
Oh, all right. Hold on. My drink.
I'm coming. Ow. Ow.
- What?
- You're spying on me?
Oh, Emily. "Spying"
is an ugly, ugly word, all right?
I am here... I am supporting you.
I am cheering you on.
This goes a bit beyond supportive,
don't you think?
No.
Emily, you have to understand me.
This is an important part
of your treatment, OK?
Tonight could be
a breakthrough for you.
A breakthrough?
Are you kidding me?
No.
Dr. Klemmer,
I want you to leave immediately.
No. No, I can't. I... I... I just ordered
some potato skins.
Besides, I'm gonna sit
over there in the corner.
I'm gonna be very tiny...
shh... like a quiet mouse.
You won't even know I'm there.
This whole situation is a great big mess.
I want you to leave now. Now.
All right. Emily...
- Now.
- OK.
- I'm leaving, all right?
- Shh!
I'm gonna cancel the skins.
I'm 100% behind you.
Look at me. Here I go.
Like hell I'd miss this.
Everything OK?
Oh, just perfect.
Hurry up, she's back.
What happened?
I don't know. She just, like, took off.
How's your food?
Oh, it's fine.
I mean, I'm sure it is. It always is.
How's yours?
- Couldn't be better.
- Good.
- Mark...
- Emily...
Oh, I'm sorry. You go first.
- No. You, please.
- No, I can wait.
I insist. Ladies first.
Heh.
Something's wrong, isn't it?
Mark, I need to tell you something.
You can tell me anything.
I don't want to, but I have to.
- Look, Emily...
- No, this has gone on long enough.
What are you...
Come on, don't blow it, Emily.
What are you talking about?
What...
What are you looking at?
This is my patient.
I'm working now. Thank you.
The thing is,
I like you very much, Mark.
I feel the same way about you.
Well, you may not after you hear
what I have to tell you.
Oh, my God. This isn't easy for me.
OK, I'm just gonna say it.
What is she saying? What's going on?
I don't know! I told you
we should've bugged the table.
Damn.
So, my plan was to bring you
home with me tonight...
and... well, you know.
I think so.
But now that I'm here with you...
I can't.
I just can't go through with it.
Oh, Emily.
Ohh.
She's telling him everything!
I knew she didn't have it in her.
No, it was wrong.
It was devious, dishonest...
Let me ask you something.
You said that you were gonna bail out.
Why didn't you?
I should have.
God, I wish I had.
But the truth is...
I wanted to meet you.
That day
you walked in the restaurant...
the first time I saw you...
I thought...
"Wow. He looks so nice...
confident, together."
You know, it's silly...
but sometimes you just get
a feeling about someone...
even from across the room.
Listen, if you never want
to speak to me again...
I completely understand.
Emily, I need to tell you something...
and I hope that...
when I tell you this, you'll find it
in your heart to forgive me.
Forgive you? For what?
When you were at the restaurant
with your girlfriends...
I felt really bad about it...
not telling you the whole thing.
Emily.
Ohh. Emily!
You don't have enough cameras.
And there's no damn sound.
Emily, Emily. Wait, wait, wait.
Emily, Emily, Emily.
Listen, listen, please.
Just please. Sit here.
Come on, baby. Sit here.
What the...
Excuse me. Emily...
I didn't plan any of this.
It just happened.
You know him?
I mean, I heard your voices,
I looked over.
I saw three beautiful ladies...
talking about how
they each were gonna have sex...
with the next guy
that walks in the door.
- Three of 'em?
- Honestly, I got caught up, OK?
What was I to do?
Emily, a guy like me...
I'd be lucky to meet one of you
in a lifetime, much less three.
- Oh, they're freaks!
- I think any man in my position...
would've at least considered
the same thing.
Look, my man,
if three beautiful women...
wanted to make love to you,
would that be a problem?
For me? No. But for my wife?
She don't get down like that
no more, player.
Don't tell 'em my...
Um... heh. Wait a minute.
Maybe we should let them
have this table.
No. I'm sorry. I apologize.
We're ruining your dinner.
No, not really, man.
This is off the chain. I love this.
Wait, wait, George, George,
don't you get it?
This is one of those, uh,
hidden camera TV shows.
- You bullshittin'!
- No!
Where the camera at?
I don't know.
They hide 'em somewhere.
Oh! Off the chain.
- Emily...
- Oh.
I wore my nice dress.
You said it yourself.
You're as guilty as I am.
And the way I see it...
if it wasn't for your contest,
we wouldn't have met.
Emily, please.
I don't want to lose you.
Ohh. Go ahead. Forgive him, girl.
He seems like a nice guy.
And y'all look great together.
I mean, perfect. Better than perfect.
- Y'all do.
- Heh.
Emily...
I have never said this
to anyone in my life.
When I look at you,
I see everything I've ever wanted.
Hey, I don't have all the answers.
But the one thing
that I am so sure of...
is that I want a chance
to have you in my life.
Oh. That is so sweet.
Why you never say anything like that?
This is TV, girl. This ain't real.
- Get your mind right.
- Shut up.
Emily, unless I'm wrong...
you do have feelings for me,
don't you?
Good. That is good.
So, uh, how about, uh, we start over?
You know? No more games.
Total honesty from here on.
Go, girl. Give him another shot.
Emily, you could do that.
It's worth it.
Heh.
Go ahead.
Why don't we go for a walk?
Yeah. Come on.
- Wait, wait, wait. Where y'all goin'?
- Hey, hey, where you goin'?
The show just started.
We got thirty minutes, don't we?
All right, now.
Y'all was good, though.
That was good.
That was a good performance.
Y'all were da bomb!
Oh, man, that's a Golden Globe.
Golden Globe for sure!
I almost dropped a tear!
- Shoot.
- Ha ha!
I think I saw him on
The Young and the Restless.
You think we're going to get a check
for being on the show?
I don't know about a check...
but you better keep your eyes
in your head next time.
I saw you lookin' at her.
- What you talkin' about...
- I saw you lookin' at her!
Heh. You gotta keep
bringin' it up, OK?
Speakin' of checks... check, please!
Give him the check.
Nah, you know I ain't got it.
We'll go to jail together.
I ain't goin' to jail.
You already been five times.
That's all right. At least I'll be full,
and I know people.
Oh, you full, all right.
That's all right.
They're gonna get you.
- Full of shit!
- I gotta get up out of here.
Let me go buy you a drink.
Heh. Make it a double.
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
Can I get you another drink?
- Heh. Hello.
- Hi.
You want to buy me a drink?
Yeah. Unless I'm intruding.
Oh, intrude away.
Heh. Bartender, another, um...
Oh, a kir royale.
Kir royale for the lovely lady...
and one for me as well.
# Something this good
never lasts forever #
# I want it to be the first time, baby #
# I'm trying to find a way to make it #
# Something much more than usual #
# And something this good
never lasts forever... #
So, Lauren and I got played,
and Emily ends up with Mark.
That's OK.
Like I said, she is my girl...
and I taught her everything she knows.
And you have to admit,
they do look kind of good together.
But enough about them.
Now... back to me.
Knew I should've left that club early.
That's the restaurant
we should've been goin' to.
- OK.
- We'd have three of 'em.
Three of 'em come in... together!
I'm outta here.
You done held me back long enough.
- Heh heh.
- I got dreams.
Mm-hmm. I know you got dreams.
That man got three of 'em.
- Ha ha!
- Three of 'em.
Ha ha ha ha!
# Fallin' for you #
# For the things that you do
make me feel... #
Uhh!
That was great... somewhat.
But OK.
Ha ha ha!
Two more. You all right.
- I'm gettin' tired.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Cut.
That girl was crazy, if you ask me.
She made a big mistake.
You damn right.
Tanya, where you at, girl?
I thought you was goin' to the bathroom.
You left me here.
I don't have no money.
But you done left me for the last time.
What up, what up, what up, what up?
Oh, my boy. Baby, what is up?
You ain't gonna believe
what went down...
this here evenin'
in this restaurant. Oh!
Man, I done messed around
and fell up in a reality show.
I mean, lord, have mercy.
This woman,
finer than a government job!
Level from one to ten...
she's a fuckin' fifteen!
Fifteen!
You should've seen them.
All of 'em was fine.
Baskin-Robbins...
he had all kinda flavors.
One was French vanilla,
one was vanilla...
and one was choc-a-lot!
Yeah, and they videotaped it, though...
so you're gonna have
to make love with your shirt on...
'cause, you know,
you got male breasts and stuff.
That kind of thing
might break you out, you know?
Yeah! Fine women.
I'm talkin' 'bout
got they own money...
face done, nails...
ain't like the women we mess with...
you know, got three fingers
and stuff like that.
It's hard makin' love
to a woman with three fingers.
They rub on your back,
you start squirmin' and stuff.
Oh, lord! Yeah!
You got to get down here.
Man, I'm not lyin'.
Better than the midgets you ever had.
Leave the toys at home, man.
You're goin' to hell in a limo.
You need to get your mind right.
Do you know I am the man?
Hey, baby. I'm glad I caught you.
Before you say anything,
look, I mean it this time...
I know I ain't made love
past the commercial...
but you talkin' to a new man now, baby.
And I'm gonna give it to you
like you never had it before.
Forget viagra. I had diagna.
That mean I've been denied.
I'm telling you, I'm having an epiphany
about me and you right now.
Well, who is this?
I don't know no Laquisha.
Well, I'd like to know you.
I mean, the offer stands for you, too.
I mean, if you come pick me up.
Cut. Ha ha! I'm sorry.
# For the things that you do #
# Make me feel like
I'm one with the world #
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl... #
I am really feelin' this new do.
You know, I've never done bangs before.
They really compliment my face.
Don't you think?
Oh, no, no.
That's way too expensive.
#... one with the world #
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl... #
How about some lip, sweetie?
# Remember lying awake #
# Prayin' for a man like you #
# Wishin' my fantasies
could somehow one day come true #
# I wanted someone
who'd appreciate the things I do #
# I finally found my baby #
# And that is you #
# Fallin' for you, yeah... #
Mmmwah!
Workin' it! Ha ha ha!
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl #
# Fallin' for you #
# For the things that you do #
# Make me feel like
I'm one with the world #
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl... #
I look fabulous.
# I'm fallin' for you, babe #
# Boy, my heart will be true #
# Just as long as I'll be your girl #
# I'll be your baby girl #
# I'll be your baby #
# I'll be your baby #
# Make me feel like
I'm one with the world #
# I'm one with this world #
# Fallin' for you #
# Boy, my heart will be true... #
Show time.
#... just as long as
I'll be your girl #
# Mmm, do you even know #
# That I think about you constantly? #
# Baby, realize I'm all the woman #
# That you'll ever need #
# Let me show you #
# Just how cool
I think our thing could be #
# All I want is your good lovin', whoo #
# I'm fallin' for you #
# For the things that you do #
# Make me feel like
I'm one with the world... #
You never stop, do you?
Ooh.
Gotta look good for the clients.
I want you to save some energy for me...
for later.
Ha ha.
Oh, damn.
I totally forgot.
I gotta meet with Andrea later.
That bitch.
Relax, baby. She's just a client.
It's only business.
She does not think of me that way.
She'd like to use your face
as an exercise bike.
You do want me to be successful,
don't you?
Sure.
Good. Listen...
tomorrow afternoon, after yoga.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Ohh.
- Ooh.
Whoa.
That was fabulous.
Heh.
Now I know how you stay
in such good shape.
Oh, you're in great shape yourself.
Compliments of you.
Uh-huh. Darryl does a body good.
Yes, you do.
Now, look,
you know I'm in the gym today.
I'm gonna schedule you
for a real workout.
Heh. What do you think
that was?
Ha ha ha.
Ooh. Mmm.
You know, Darryl...
I used to walk in a room,
and all the men would look.
I was such a knockout. Ooh.
You still are.
Thank you.
I want to come over there
and bite that ass.
Heh. You better leave my ass alone.
I have a love scene tomorrow,
and I don't need it all chewed up.
Can't I just get a little nibble?
No.
Tell me something, Darryl.
Are you still doing Lauren?
I told you... she's just a client.
Yeah. She's a client, I'm a client...
we're all just clients. Heh.
You must think I'm incredibly stupid.
Andrea, we have been over this.
Whatever.
Now, back to me.
Now, I need you to be honest
with me, Darryl.
Am I losing it? Hmm?
Hell no!
Good.
You are impeccable.
- Heh heh heh.
- Superb!
Stupendous!
Mm-hmm.
You are all that and a bowl of chips.
I give you... four stars.
It's a bag of chips.
You make me sound like a restaurant.
Well...
Four stars.
Perhaps it's time I revisited
this particular restaurant.
I do believe I have a reservation.
Watch the hair.
Kitchen's closed.
How about the drive-thru?
Freeze.
I've got a gun,
and I know how to use it...
so put your hands up in the air
where I can see them.
I guess it's true what they say...
about returning
to the scene of the crime.
But did you really think...
you were gonna get away
with this twice?
Now, before I call the police...
let me get a look at you.
Turn around. Take off the hood.
Now, this is a surprise.
Now, what's that number again?
Oh, yeah. 9-1-1.
No, wait. Please don't make that call.
We're both adults here.
Can't we work something out?
Like what?
Nice.
Very nice.
Very nice indeed.
But just watch it with that gun.
Oh, I'm watching it, all right.
And that's not my gun.
Uhh!
Cut!
- Good? Ha ha ha!
- All right.
Good take, good take.
Ha ha. How was I?
You guys are great.
You guys are great.
All right, that's lunch.
This is lunch.
That's enough.
Where's my robe?
- So, Lydia...
- Mm-hmm?
What's the big news?
Just a little Paramount calling me,
and I've got the hook-up.
You've got my attention.
Well, I have got you a meeting
for a major role...
- Yes! Yes!
- Uh-huh...
In the film version of The Smurfs.
- The Smurfs?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Lydia, do I look like a smurf to you?
I told you that I wanted to stretch,
not shrink.
Girlfriend, we are talking
major bling-bling here.
How major?
Ba-ling and ba-ling! Ha ha ha!
You know, I always thought
those smurfs were real cute.
I could rock that hat, right? Pow!
Whoo! Boy...
Wouldn't mind the color blue, either.
You'd look great.
It's a good shade for me. Mm-hmm.
And on top of that, guess
who will be directing this little movie.
- Who?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe Mr. Spike Lee.
Spike Lee is gonna be directing
The Smurfs?
Oh, it is going to be off the chain.
OK, OK, all right. What else?
Oh, the network keeps calling.
They really want you in a series,
and they will not take no for an answer.
That last script was awful.
Oh, it was horrible.
It was wack. I know.
But this time,
they've got kind of a new concept.
What is it?
They would like for you to play
a recently divorced housewife.
Oh, come on. Two kids... that's it.
How old are the kids?
I'm not trying to look old.
- No!
- Honey, I'm Andrea.
- You are.
- Fabulous, young, fresh, mwah!
- You know what I'm sayin'?
- And it stays that way, OK?
So I'm sure I could get it down to,
what, kindergarten.
OK, well, what about the script?
Mm. It is da bomb.
Oh, it's gonna blow up.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
And if this thing
goes into syndication...
oh, you are going to be livin' chilly.
Mm-hmm.
Can I have another drink?
Uh, you better slow down
on the drinks, girlfriend.
That's a margarita, not a slurpee.
Oh, don't worry about me.
It's all gravy.
What is going on with you, though?
Come on, you can tell me.
Oh, look, I am not only your agent.
I am also your sista.
So come on, tell me. What is really,
really, really, really good with ya?
It's just strange that
we're having lunch at this hotel.
Something happened to me here
a few years ago.
- Ha ha.
- Well, what is it?
A few years ago,
I was seeing someone...
and I had this sneaking suspicion
that he was seeing someone else...
- Mm-hmm?
- I just couldn't prove it.
You don't call me like you used to...
- I'm working!
- You're working.
Look, baby, I promise you
that you are the only woman in my life.
I just want you to tell me her name!
Robert, be a man about it
and tell me the truth.
Andrea, I am telling you the truth.
There is no other woman
in my life except you.
I accidentally stumbled
on some incriminating evidence.
Bingo. Gotcha.
Nice to see you.
You, too. You, too.
Thank you. The usual.
Apple martini, bourbon and water.
Up to the room.
On its way.
I'm sorry.
My boyfriend's cheating on me.
Do you understand?
Nice jacket.
So, you just come down from...
You have a guest by the name
of Robert Mitchelson.
Could you please tell me
what room he's in?
Madam, I'm afraid it's hotel policy
never to give out that information.
He's in room 235.
- Room 235.
- Yep.
- Just down there.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
235. No, wait.
I'm gonna need a key for that room.
Madam, we would never, never...
give out a guest's key
without his permission.
Did you want an extra key with that,
or just the one?
- One will be fine.
- OK.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy your stay.
- Oh, I will.
Room service.
Just leave it.
Oh, I'm leaving it, all right.
Oh. Andrea.
Uh...
This is not what it looks like.
Is that right?
Do I look blind to you?
Because it looks to me
that you're in a hotel...
waitin' on your ho
to come out and do your business.
Where is she?
Where is the little ho at?
Where is the no-good bitch at?
I am not a ho,
and I ain't nobody's bitch.
Ohh!
I told you you were the only woman.
No. No, no, no. You gotta be
kidding me. OK. This is just a dream.
Somebody needs to come
and wake me up!
Robert...
now, it is bad enough
that your girlfriend...
has turned out to be a boyfriend...
but he's even wearing my robe!
Missy, this is not your robe.
It is not even close.
That's my man, and that's my robe.
I know my robe when I see it.
OK, I want you to call me Crystal...
'cause I want you to be
crystal clear on this...
I designed this robe,
so don't even go there!
Oh, I'm gonna take you there, all right...
Aaaah! Aah!
Mm! Ah!
Andrea Collins! Andrea Collins!
Robert, you did not tell me
you were doing Miss Andrea Collins!
Andrea Collins, I am so sorry.
I did not mean to be doing your man.
Let me just tell you,
I have seen all of your films...
and you are
one of my favorite actresses.
Thank you. Ha ha.
Andrea Collins,
you're even more beautiful in person...
th-th-than you are on TV.
I loved your TV show.
- Loose Ends?
- Yes!
Ooh, girl, you were nasty in that one.
- Wasn't I?
- Ooh!
And I watched every episode.
I even saw the reruns.
Well, that's great. Heh. Great.
So, you really designed these robes?
Oh, yes, girl. I designed this robe.
I found the fabric, the Chinese satin...
I even found a Chinaman.
He had two colors... black and cherry.
I put 'em together
and made black cherry!
Oh, no, child. Put that up.
Oh, I'm so sorry, baby.
Oh! Ooh!
I love your coat!
Oh, this old thing?
Excuse me! Andrea...
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
- Now, back to me...
- Yes?
So, whatever happened to Robert?
Heh. Robert?
Heh.
I kicked his cheatin' butt to the curb.
Oh, well, props to you, girlfriend.
All right.
- He deserved it.
- Yes, he did.
Whoo, he was bad news, huh?
Mm. What about that other guy?
- Who, Dennis?
- Yeah.
- I hired him.
- What? You're kidding.
He became my designer,
and we went into business together.
Sure did.
Whoo! I love that. Ha ha ha!
The moral of that story is...
another boyfriend
will always come around.
But a hot stylist?
Child, hard to find.
Ooh, you go, girl!
Ooh.
Lydia?
Why don't you let me drive you home?
Oh, honey, no. I didn't drive my car.
Mm-mm. Didn't you peep my ride?
That is not your limo.
It is my limo.
Cost me a lot of cheddar, but it's mine.
Oh, I know that you have gotta slide
to the left side, OK?
But I am having a party
next week at my crib.
Why don't you come by
so we can kick it?
All right. You know I'll be there.
Good.
Oh. If you need anything, you holla.
Or better yet, hit me on my celly.
- Hit you on your celly.
- Mm-hmm.
Lydia, when did you
become so street, huh?
Oh, sweetheart,
I've been into hip-hop for years.
Yeah, you know,
I'm down with the culture.
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
Like to keep it gangsta.
Well, give me a pound on that, girl.
- OK, here we go.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, uh...
- Oh, yeah.
- Keep it real, girl.
- Oh, word to you.
- OK? OK?
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, do you have any money?
- Oh. Yeah, I got you.
All right. Well, just give me
some feedback on the callback, OK?
All right. Love you. Mean it.
Thank you for coming.
I couldn't reach my therapist.
Girl, you know we got your back.
So, what happened?
He called and broke up with me
on the phone.
He said I was too needy.
That's pathetic.
I mean, what do men want?
Girl, it's like catching a cab.
If the light's on and you're not ready...
they'll take your ass for a ride
every time.
- Words to live by.
- Hey.
Hey, sorry I'm late. Mwah.
I just had to fire my bartender.
- Joe?
- Mm-hmm.
Damn, I liked him.
He gave me free drinks all the time.
That's exactly why I fired him.
Well, you look great.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- God, I need a drink.
- Me, too.
Waiter!
- Mm. So, how was your weekend?
- Perfect.
I had my colon cleansed
and then went out on a date.
Ohh. Anyone I know?
I don't think so. He's very nice.
How romantic.
You know, dating is so confusing.
Mmm, I agree, I agree.
Maybe you haven't met the right man yet.
Well, I'll say this...
there isn't one man out there...
that I couldn't have if I wanted him.
Ha ha! I don't think men
are that predictable.
I do.
OK. What about... him?
Oh, please. Heh. It would take me...
two minutes, maybe three.
Heh! Three whole minutes?
You're right. Two. Maybe one.
OK, fine. Him.
Ha ha!
- Him?
- Yeah.
Let's be real.
That's not even a challenge.
- OK, fine.
- Ha ha!
OK. What about...
- Emily.
- What?
They're all the same.
That's a bit simplistic, isn't it?
I mean, they can't all be the same.
Well, then, let's find out.
What do you ladies say to a wager?
Ooh, what kind of wager?
A simple one.
I say any man can be seduced,
no ifs, ands, or buts.
- Agreed.
- So?
Well, think of it as a game.
We pick a man completely at random...
a total stranger, no ties to any of us.
I see where you're going with this.
- I don't.
- Of course you don't.
Look, we pick this man together...
and then we each take turns
attempting to seduce him.
Who would go first?
We draw straws.
And, to make it more interesting...
we each have only one night,
one shot, to get the job done.
You're kidding, right?
This is a joke.
But how would we know
who really won?
Hmm. Good question.
I mean, none of us would lie,
of course, but still...
there needs to be
some kind of visual proof...
of the, uh, consummation.
A videotape! I've got a camera.
As do I. Emily?
Oh, my God! You guys,
what would my therapist say? Uh-uh.
You don't have to tell your therapist
everything, do you?
That is the idea.
- What do you think?
- I love it. Ha ha ha ha!
Wait a minute. A perfect stranger?
We don't know where he's been.
Well, that's what makes it
so interesting.
I mean, it's intriguing.
If you're not up to it...
No, it's not that. It's just... I mean...
I got it!
The first one through the door.
That door?
Hmm.
That's pretty random. Why not?
It's gotta be someone.
The first man who comes in...
No. You guys,
we're not gonna do this. Lauren.
If you're afraid you'll lose, Emily...
OK, I'm not afraid.
Good.
Heh. Fine. OK. I guess.
- Great.
- When do we begin?
I say... right now.
# Ohh, yeah, yeah #
# See, you're the man of my dreams #
# I sit around
and think my luck is gone #
# Then I found you... #
- Uh-uh.
- Ooh. Oh, my God.
Oh, no. That's not right.
# You opened up my heart... #
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Single men only.
Yeah, I agree.
Yep. Singles only.
Here he comes.
Uh-uh.
- That's a do-over.
- Ha ha. Absolutely.
Yep. Do-over.
Ohh. That's another do-over.
- Ohh.
- Mmm.
- Definite do-over.
- Agreed.
You see what I'm saying, ladies?
There's not a good man around
when you need one.
- True.
- Mm-hmm.
OK, let's see what happens this time.
Heh.
Can't do nothin' with that.
Strictly dickly over here.
- Ha ha!
- I heard that.
Ha ha ha!
Ahh. Well, look here.
Ooh.
Sweet.
What do you think? Not bad, huh?
Could be worse. Em?
He's OK. Mm-hmm.
But who is he?
He's a perfect stranger.
Not for long.
- I'm gonna be sick.
- Oh, don't be sick.
You know that guy...
She is going to get all the scoop.
Watch and see.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Believe it, baby. It'll be good
for your next therapy session.
It's like me
when I play different characters.
- Oh, God.
- You get to escape.
Uh-oh. Here she comes.
Oh.
Hmm.
So, here's the story.
His name is Mark Sellers.
He's in real estate...
has great style,
so he must have money...
- Mm-hmm?
- And he is single.
Heh. That's him. He's the one.
Yep.
So... what do we do now?
Ha ha ha!
We draw straws.
Ha ha ha!
Frankly, Emily, I'm disappointed.
I mean, this kind of game-playing
seems immature.
It's reckless.
It's possibly dangerous.
You know what? I'm sure
we won't even go through with it.
I mean, you know,
this is just Andrea being Andrea.
Emily,
you and I have accomplished...
a great deal
over the past couple of years.
I would hate to see you
diminish this work...
with this irresponsible diversion.
So, when's your turn, hmm?
Last, thank God.
It's Andrea, Lauren, then me.
But you know what?
I'm sure they've forgotten all about it.
I look fabulous.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Oh!
- Let me help you out.
- No problem. I got it, I got it.
I'm such a klutz.
Sometimes I don't look where I'm going.
Have we met before?
Did I show you a house, or...
I don't think so.
You're probably right.
I would've remembered.
Me, too.
Listen, I'm sorry for the intrusion.
Can you ever possibly forgive me?
Under one circumstance.
And that would be?
You let me buy you a drink.
How about dinner?
Dinner it is.
I won't hold you up.
Here's my number.
Call me.
Whoo!
Next thing I know, someone offered me
more for the house than I paid for it.
Sold that one, bought another one...
fixed it up, sold that one, too.
Mmm. That's fascinating.
Ha ha.
So, tell me, Mark...
a guy like you... handsome, wealthy...
I'm hardly either.
Oh, come on. Don't be modest.
Heh. You're quite a catch.
Ever been married?
Engaged?
Uh, I was engaged once.
Really?
Yeah. It seems like a long time ago,
but it wasn't, really.
Well, I don't mean to pry, but...
No, it's OK. It's cool.
I should talk about it,
'cause for a long time, I really couldn't.
Hmm.
Um, we had made
all the arrangements.
It was a week before the wedding...
but something was wrong.
- It just didn't feel right, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
At first, I kind of wrote it off
as pre-wedding jitters.
Oh, I mean, it happens.
It's not uncommon.
No problem.
But as we got closer to the weekend,
it got worse.
So I asked Melinda...
that's my fiance at the time...
I'm, like, "Baby, what's wrong?"
- And...
- And?
It turns out that she was
seeing somebody on the side.
What?
And she was still in love with him.
Mm.
So, uh, she was very apologetic
about it, but she called it off.
She said it wouldn't be fair to me.
Who was the guy?
My best friend.
Damn.
That's what I said.
I mean, that girl was crazy,
if you ask me.
She made a big mistake.
You don't have to say that.
- It's true.
- But thanks.
You're welcome.
This is the first real date I've been on
since I can remember.
- Listen, Mark...
- Yeah.
I know what it's like to feel pain.
What happened to you...
nobody can make it up to you.
But... Im hoping you'll let me try.
And... this is my bedroom.
Nice, nice. Heh heh.
Thank you.
Uh, do you mind
if I use your bathroom?
Oh, sure. It's right through there.
Thanks.
Andrea, you've done well.
Oh, ha ha. You like?
Yes.
Why don't you come
make yourself more comfortable?
I'll be right back.
Hey, do you mind
if I turn on some music?
Sure, go right ahead.
Andrea. Heh.
Andrea, Andrea, Andrea, Andrea.
This girl definitely loves herself.
Whew!
Mmm.
Andrea, you are...
one special kind of lady.
Hello.
Hi.
I missed you.
And I couldn't wait.
Mmm. The thing is,
I'm just a little nervous.
I hate to rush things...
but ever since we met,
you're all I can think about.
Really?
Do you want me?
Oh, yes. God, yes. Are you kidding?
Then why do you still
have on your clothes?
Good question.
I want you to strip for me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
Let's work it.
Don't be scared.
Work it.
Work it, yeah. Work it.
Oh, yeah.
That's it.
- Like this?
- Yeah.
You want me to, like, grind on it?
- Work it. Work it.
- Ooh.
Ohh, like this?
Yeah, roundabout. Roundabout.
Yeah.
Go, Mark. Hey!
Oh. Oh, that's good.
Look at them abs, baby. Yeah!
Ha ha ha! Yeah.
Drop your back, baby.
Ohh!
Work it, Mark. Just work it.
Get into it. Yeah. That's it.
That's it. Ohh...
Ohh, what? Huh?
Go, Mark.
I feel it. I feel it. I like it.
You feel it? Yeah. Ha ha ha!
You got the freak in you!
Whoo! Shake it, baby.
Shake it. Shake it. Shake it.
- Uhh!
- Yeah!
How is it? Is it workin'? Uhh!
Drop it. Come on, baby.
You want to see somethin'? Ohh.
Go, Mark.
Mm-mm-mm. Mm.
- Want some?
- Yeah, shake it.
Shake it.
Drop it, baby! Whoo!
Ow!
- Spank it!
- Ow!
- Hurt myself!
- Yeah!
Shake it. Ohh.
- Ohh!
- Ha ha!
- Ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha! OK.
- You like that.
- Yeah.
Uh-oh. Drop it!
- Drop for me!
- Ooh!
You all right?
But I'm back.
That's it. Ride the pony for me.
Come on. Work that wall.
Work the wall. Yeah.
You like that?
This is you, Andrea.
Pow! Ohh!
Oh, that's good.
That's how I'm gonna drop it on you.
I'm tappin' it. I'm gonna tap it.
Ohh!
Oh, that's good.
Oh, that's it right there, Mark.
I'm gonna drop it on you.
Yeah. Then I'm gonna
back it up on you like that.
Yeah. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Ow!
Can you shake it like a polaroid?
Shake it, shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it, shake it.
That's it.
Shake it. Work it. Work it.
Work it. Work it.
I'm on it. Here I come.
I'm bringin' the thunder.
- Bring it.
- Uhh.
Shake it. Go, Mark. Go, Mark.
Go, Mark.
Aah!
Mark?
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy? Who's your da... huh?
I've got an early call tomorrow.
Oh, oh, oh, OK.
You want me to leave now?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Look, I had a great time,
but I gotta get my beauty rest, you know?
Close-ups.
And with you here,
I won't be able to get much sleep.
- Right. Um, maybe we can, uh...
- I'll call you.
- Well, I was wondering...
- No, really. I'll call you.
Oh, OK.
What the hell?
Man...
Ha ha ha!
Show time!
Ha ha ha!
Come on.
What the hell?
Oh, no. This can't be happening.
I don't believe it!
No-o-o-o!
No! No-o-o-o!
No-o-o-o-o!
Shit!
But it's not fair.
I know I rocked his world.
Is it my fault
that the camera didn't work?
Look, now, we go back since college.
Can't you take my word for it?
Em...
Come on, aren't we friends?
Where is the love here?
All right, fine. Be that way.
I'm going to remember that though.
You said it yourself.
No tape, no proof, no dice... you lose.
It's a stupid rule.
So, what was he like?
Let's just say he's very... sensitive.
Was he nice?
I don't have anything else to say.
Come on, Andrea, we're not the enemy.
You know what?
I say we call the whole thing off...
before we go any farther.
Look, I didn't go through all that
for nothing.
- Well, at least you got some.
- Big deal.
Hello, ladies.
- Hey, Darryl.
- Hey, Darryl.
Oh, that's right.
You two know each other.
Yes, we do.
- Andrea.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh.
I didn't forget about you, Lauren.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Love the changes.
The new decor looks great.
I don't believe we've met.
This is our good friend Emily.
Well, Emily...
have we met?
Us? No. I don't think so.
I just can't help but feel
that we've met before.
That's because you try
to meet every woman in L.A.
I don't mean to interrupt.
I'm meeting somebody for lunch.
A new client.
Right.
I shouldn't keep her waiting.
Well, Emily, it is a pleasure.
Here's my card...
in case you ever want to get in shape.
Please.
- Bye, Darryl.
- Bye.
Oh, my.
He certainly is something.
He's something, all right.
Well, all right, Miss Lauren.
It's your turn.
It's not going to be as easy as you think.
We'll just see about that, won't we?
I don't understand.
I mean, you said that they did it,
but they can't prove it?
Andrea swears they had sex...
but the camera
malfunctioned or something.
Which means she loses.
Yeah. And I would've bet on Andrea.
She's so determined.
Well, let me just ask you.
Who's up next? Is it Lauren?
Yes.
I have no doubts about Lauren.
She's a sexy successful
businesswoman.
He'll find her irresistible.
- And what about you?
- What about me?
- Well, how will he find you?
- I don't know.
And how will you feel
if you lose, right?
And what if you win, and she wins?
What if there's a tie?
I mean, is there some sort of a runoff?
- I don't know.
- Well, you need to figure it out.
Well, I don't know,
but I hired a private investigator.
You what?
Mm-hmm.
I hired someone to do some digging.
You did not.
That's good. That's very...
That's very smart.
- I'm feeling an intense guilt.
- Mm-hmm.
So, I think you were right.
It's irresponsible. I'm not a child.
I'm calling the whole thing off.
Oh, no, you are not.
No, you can't do that.
What I mean to say is that
by following this thing through a bit...
if it might not be
the most constructive path to take.
Constructive?
In that you have always had
a problem finishing things.
You're right. I... I'm curious.
- Mm-hmm.
- I do want to meet him.
I must be crazy.
Oh, no, honey.
You know we don't use the "C" word.
Sorry.
All right, Emily...
All right,
I want to know everything, OK?
I'm going to go ahead and give you
my home phone number.
You memorize it. You call me...
if there is any new information at all
at any time.
Doctor, are you sure?
Yes. Are you kidding?
I'm a professional, OK?
You just keep your mind open,
and you keep me informed of everything.
All right, Lauren, round two.
Let's go.
All right, I know this is your favorite.
Ha ha ha. I am good at it,
I have to admit.
Mm-hmm.
All right, well, let's see what you got.
- Let's turn it up.
- Mm-hmm.
- OK.
- You doing OK?
Yeah, good.
My mom likes to go at your pace, too.
Oh, OK. All right.
- Yeah?
- OK.
You're lucky
I can't get you out on that track.
I would just kill you.
Ha ha. That's what you think.
Give me some strong kicks for Darryl.
Come on, he deserves it.
Yeah. That was a good one.
That was it. Stronger.
Yes. That was great.
Yes. All right, that was nice and high,
but that's OK. That was high.
- OK.
- All right.
Yes.
- Ha ha!
- Is that all you got?
Is that all I got? OK.
I'm just warming up.
You can do better than that.
OK.
Aah!
Lauren?
Mm-mmm.
# So many times
I've pictured you, yeah #
Sorry I'm late.
No problem. Any trouble finding it?
No, no. Your directions were great.
- Are you ready?
- Yes.
Now, this house...
# Making words I shouldn't say #
# Baby, I'm dreaming about #
# Getting intimate with you #
# Sharing a moment together #
# Can you feel it, too #
# Oh, oh #
# Shouldn't keep it inside #
# Couldn't hurt to let you know #
# What you're feelin', girl #
# Should I let it show #
And here's the fireplace...
which comes complete
with its own dragons.
You are so cute.
Uh... ahem.
How about we go outside?
I want to show you...
the most amazing view of Los Angeles.
# All I got to do is close my eyes #
# And you're next to me, yeah #
# Now I question my desire #
# Is it just to me inside #
# And feel the passion fire #
# Is it more #
# Am I ready to believe #
I hope you don't think
I'm being too forward...
I'm sure this happens to you
all the time...
but I was wondering,
if you had a free evening...
I'd love to take you
to a comedy club.
- I love to laugh.
- Great.
Um, I'm free next Saturday,
if that works for you.
It works fine.
I guess I should call you.
Oh, here.
Perfect. Saturday night, then.
Mm-hmm. Can't wait.
I'll call you.
# What I never had to tell you #
# You're my fantasy, fantasy #
# Tell me why #
# All I got to do is close my eyes #
# And you're all that I can see #
# Oh, girl #
Whoo. Mmm.
# You're my fantasy #
# I like the way you do it,
the way you ride #
# I like the way you lock on
to the groove when I'm inside #
# I like the way you please #
# The way you tease #
# I like the way you're givin' me
exactly what I need #
# I like the way you do it #
# The way you ride #
# I like the way you lock on
to the groove when I'm inside #
# I like the way you please #
# The way you tease... #
So, how's your game?
You're not going to believe
what's been happening to me, man...
but I know you can appreciate it.
Ohh.
So, this... this whole thing started
about, what, ten days ago, right?
I just closed on this property.
I'm feeling good.
I decided to treat myself to lunch...
at this nice trendy spot on Ocean...
you know...
where your waitress friend
used to work.
We don't have to talk about that.
Cool, because I usually just
grab a sandwich somewhere.
But you were...
- celebrating.
- Celebrating.
Exactly, my brother.
If the light's on...
and you're not ready...
they will take your ass
for a ride every time, OK?
Words to live by.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late. Mwah!
I just had to fire my bartender.
Joe?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- God, I need a drink.
- Oh, me, too.
Waiter!
Mmm. I agree, I agree.
Maybe you haven't met
the right man yet.
Well, I'll say this.
There isn't one man out there...
that I couldn't have
if I really wanted him.
What?
I don't think men
are that predictable.
I do.
All right, fine. What about... him?
- Him?
- Yeah.
Oh, let's be real.
That's not even a challenge.
- OK.
- All right.
- What about...
- Emily, they're all the same.
That's a bit simplistic, isn't it?
I mean, they can't all be the same.
Well, let's find out.
What do you ladies say to a wager?
- What kind of wager?
- A simple one.
I say any man can be seduced,
no ifs, ands, or buts.
Agreed. So?
We'll think of it as a game.
We pick a man completely at random,
a total stranger...
and we each take turns
attempting to seduce him.
And to make it more interesting...
we each have only one night,
one shot to get the job done.
- Who said that?
- You're kidding, right? This is a joke.
I've got it.
The first one through the door.
Yeah.
That's pretty random. Why not?
So, when do we begin?
I say right now.
Aah!
Excuse me! Watch out! Aah!
Aw!
Whoo! Whew!
- Hey.
- Mr. Sellers.
Hey, you may be approached
by a lady asking about me...
and if you are,
this is what I need you to say.
# I like the way you lock on
to the groove when I'm inside #
# I like the way you please #
# The way you tease #
# I like the way you're giving me
exactly what I need #
Come on, do you think I'm drunk?
You bullshittin', right?
You making all this up to torture me.
Would I lie to you, man?
Hold up. It don't stop there.
So, like, a few days go by.
Nothing happens, so I'm figuring...
maybe these ladies had a few
too many martinis, and they forgot.
And then...
- Ooh!
- Oh!
- I am so sorry.
- Oh, man.
- Let me help you out.
- You know what? No problem. I got it.
- OK.
- Oh, I'm such a klutz.
Are you sure it was actually her?
You said you really didn't see them.
Believe me,
I managed to get a good look...
when I walked through the front, OK?
It was her for sure.
So, we made a date for dinner,
and as you can imagine...
I'm feeling pretty good
about things right now.
- Ha ha.
- It's not fair.
What's not fair?
It's happening to you and not me.
What can I say? God loves me, J.
Don't play like that.
So, where y'all go?
I took her to this sexy place
on Melrose.
I knew she'd like that.
But let me explain.
This woman isn't just beautiful, man.
She's radiant.
And she's a professional actress,
so she got to be fine.
Anyway, she's flirting.
She's bumping her leg on my leg
under the table or whatever, you know?
And not enough to be obvious...
but just enough to keep a man
playing close attention.
Right, right, right.
So, this is where
I take it over the top.
I make up this story
about my fiance...
and how she dumped me
for my best friend.
And I'm practically in tears,
and I know it's bullshit.
Denzel ain't got nothing on me, dawg.
That's my boy!
So, what happened after dinner?
Boy, where has the time gone?
You know, J, I got to get out of here.
Hey, look, look, don't play, OK?
You ain't going nowhere.
What happened? Tell me.
She practically ripped my clothes off.
Uh-uh.
She came out the bathroom.
She's standing there
in her bra and panties...
looking like she stepped out
of Victoria's Secret.
Ooh.
Tyra Banks on steroids,
everything matching.
Sweet toes.
Ooh. Sweet toes?
I'm, like, you know,
"Maybe... Maybe we should wait."
She's, like, "I want you naked now."
Whoa. And then what?
- You really want to know?
- Yes, I do.
Whew.
How long you been knowing me, man?
A long time.
And you could say roughly
I'm an experienced guy, right?
Yeah.
Let me be honest, J. We did things.
Such as?
- Things.
- What kind of things?
I'm freaked out just
thinking about it right now, man.
Well, try hard.
Let me just say,
we... we invented new positions.
I need to see my chiropractor right now.
How many?
Josh, a real gentleman
does not tell his business.
Then you should have no problem,
Mark.
Whatever.
Anyway, what she didn't know was,
when she went in the bathroom...
I found the video camera
which I knew would be there.
She hid the camera?
Amazing how devious
some people can be, huh?
Yeah.
So, I unplugged the video cable.
Are you sure you didn't dream all this?
Dream? It was real.
I've already met
bachelorette number two.
She pretended to be
in the market for a house...
so I gave her a guided tour.
Ha ha!
Smart girl.
So, what did she look like?
Whoo! Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Like that?
- Like that.
Mmm.
- Whew.
- I can't believe it.
- So, when's the next date?
- This Saturday.
I would say, "Wish me luck,"
but there's really no need to...
because as you can see,
I'm doing well. Ha ha!
Don't do that. Don't hate, Jack.
Um, any chance of you and Kim
getting back together?
- Yeah.
- I mean, I don't like being by myself.
And late at night...
when I'm at home...
man, I've been overusing
my palm pilot.
Uhh.
I'm serious. I'm starting to get
arthritis in both hands.
That's too much information, J.
I don't need to know all that, man.
There's nothing wrong
with pleasuring yourself, Mark.
Check. Ahem.
I'm only human, OK?
And I got sexual needs
that's got to be satisfied.
Check! Any check, please.
- I got a callus on this one right here.
- Help!
OK. If you ever fall in love with
a young boy, and he drop you...
I'm going to tell you
how you get back at him.
Have sex with his father.
Oh, that'll hurt him, that'll hurt him.
He come home from the club
late one night.
His father got one of them...
old Bobby Womack,
Gene Chandler records on.
He figures Daddy in there having sex
with Sister Jenkins from the church.
That's when I come bouncing out,
look at him...
and go, "Your daddy said
take the garbage out...
before you go to bed."
That'll kill him.
When he's busy, I'm easy.
You can have sex with me
on the hood of a car.
You just need to keep the car running,
so my back don't get cold.
I'm easy like that.
Mmm! And then, ladies,
you need to fix yourself up.
You need to look good. Why?
Because when you look good,
you feel good.
Wear some damn makeup.
I know I got to wear makeup,
because without makeup...
I look exactly like Wesley Snipes.
Wear some makeup.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Look at the white people going,
"I knew I knew her.
Either she was in Blade, or..."
Ha ha!
Ladies...
we need to stop
playing games with our love.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Y'all know what game I'm talking about.
You go out with a good man.
He a decent man.
You done ate up
all the steak and lobster.
Then when it's time to have sex...
you want to talk about Jesus
and the direction of your life.
You's a trick-ass bitch.
You know why?
Because you're messing it up...
for decent hos like myself.
See, when a man get his feelings hurt,
he don't change for the better.
He change for the worse...
so when I go out with him,
now he's a bitter bastard.
Now I can barely get...
a Happy Meal and Snicker bar
out this bitter bastard...
and it's all your fault.
It's not right.
Stop messing with your man
while he watching TV.
Give your man his space.
When your man is watching TV,
fix him some snacks and get out the way.
Don't try to talk to your man
while he watching TV.
Never ask your man this question...
"What you thinking 'bout?"
You know why? He can't tell you
what he thinking about...
when you say,
"What you thinkin' 'bout?"
Because you know
what he want to say?
"I was thinking
you need to get your ass...
"out of the front of the damn TV
while I'm trying to watch the game...
"but I can't say that to you...
"because I'm going to want
to have sex with you...
in about twenty minutes
when the game go off."
Owning a restaurant, that's exciting.
Not always.
Dealing with the staff...
the chef, waiters,
the busboys, bartenders.
- Quality is everything.
- Mmm.
The restaurant business
is very competitive.
Sounds like a lot of responsibility.
You must be good at it.
I am...
but it's no longer my real passion.
So, what is Lauren's real passion?
I recently became involved
with the homeless.
You know, fundraising,
building awareness.
When I think of people going hungry,
it breaks my heart.
Whew.
I've done well for myself,
and I want to give something back.
That reminds me.
I have some friends...
who volunteer
at the mission downtown...
and they hand out meals.
They're out there helping out.
How about you and I go down there
together so you can meet them?
I'd love to.
What's wrong?
Ohh. I may have had
one drink too many. Mmm.
Headache?
A little.
Ooh. You wouldn't be disappointed
if we made it an early night?
No! I mean, it's just that...
I'm having
such a wonderful time tonight.
Get me some aspirin... extra strength.
I really don't want you to go.
You don't?
I thought we were,
you know, connecting.
Was I wrong?
No, no, no, not at all.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Ah.
Oh, that feels great.
Mmm, mmm.
Mmm.
How's the headache?
What headache?
Ha ha.
God, that feels good.
I know.
You are so tense.
- Am I?
- Yeah.
You're all knotted up.
Mmm.
You must have
a lot of stress in your life.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Oh, you poor baby.
I want you to know that
I don't normally do this on a first date.
Thank you.
Now, what about your back?
Mmm. Yeah, it's broke, it's broke.
It's... It's really broke.
Do you mind if I take this off?
No. I mean, if you must.
I'll be right back.
Why don't you take that shirt off?
- Ah.
- For the massage.
Right, right.
Whew.
OK, let's see what's goin' on.
Ha ha ha!
Uh-huh. Yeah.
# Come on #
# Hey there, sugar darlin' #
# Let me tell you somethin' #
# Girl, I've been tryin' to say, now #
# You look so sweet #
# And you're so doggone fine #
# I just can't get you out of my mind... #
Oh! Ha ha ha!
Ohh.
Whoo.
Mmm.
Ohh. You know what?
You really have the touch.
Heh heh.
I have an idea.
You want me to strip for you?
Why don't I?
That works for me.
Heh heh heh.
Ahh.
Mm-mm-mmm.
# Groove me, baby #
OK. Ohh, yeah.
# Oh, yeah, now, now, darlin' #
# Uhh, come on, come on #
# Hey! Uhh! #
Mm-mm-mmm.
Oww.
Ha ha ha!
Mm.
# Here's some good, good lovin' #
Mm. All right, woman. Mm!
Mm-mm-mmm.
I want to make love to you.
OK.
# You don't need no company #
- Ha!
- Ha!
# No other man, no other girl #
What's that?
I hope you don't mind.
I love taping it.
Taping it?
Hold up. Hold... Hold... Hold...
I've never done that before.
Oh. I really get off on it.
Look, Lauren, I'm really shy, all right?
I find it very arousing...
like an aphrodisiac.
To be honest,
I'd rather this be off-camera.
You understand?
Please?
Well...
there's a first time for everything.
I should be open
to new experiences, right?
Yes! You won't regret it.
- Well, turn the damn thing on.
- Whoo!
- Ha ha ha!
- Ohh.
Heh heh heh.
- I must be dreamin'.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, baby.
Ha ha ha! Whoo!
# Come on, come on #
Ohh!
# Groove me, baby #
# Groove me, baby #
I'll be right back.
Lauren's eye in the sky.
Gotta have security.
So, what's up?
My VCR at home is broken,
so this is a world premiere.
- So, how was it?
- Be patient.
No, I meant did you...
Let's just say if this was a movie...
it would be in the adult section
of the video store.
- Heh heh.
- Really?
This is something
I like to call Girl Gone Wild.
OK, ladies. Ready?
Here it goes.
Clear! You scream it!
H-o-r-e!
What the hell's this?
Something's wrong.
I'm confused.
Um... which one is you? Hmm?
What's up with this tape?
I've got two words, honey... no carbs.
Well, maybe you switched it
with a tape at home?
I only have one tape, Emily.
OK.
Lauren, was there a reason...
that you wanted us to watch
The Jerry Springer Show?
The camera was fine. I don't...
I just don't understand this.
The light was on, he was naked.
What was your favorite rule
again, huh?
Visual proof?
- This is not fair.
- Honey, you lost.
- I did not lose!
- Yes, you did.
We did it. Twice!
- Twice?
- Twice?
Well, just to make sure.
Well, did you tape over it or something?
No, no. I made sure that it was...
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
OK, you know what?
I think we should forget
about the contest.
What?
Now?
After what I've been through?
What about what I've been through?
- What about me?
- What about you?
- You lost.
- You lost, too!
- So?
- So?
Ladies!
We're fighting... about what?
Hmm. I just don't get it.
No, on our show...
There's a "W" there.
I'm sorry, Jerry.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
I knew it was just a matter of time
before I met bachelorette number three.
And there she was.
Do you mind if I have a seat?
Oh, no. That's fine.
Do you know what time it is?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
# I made a wish #
# On a shooting star... #
- Ha ha.
- Heh.
So, what are you reading?
- Ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha!
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
- My friends think I'm too nice.
I'm sure you are.
Heh. Well, I don't know.
It's all so confusing. Who knows?
# Is it real #
# Or am I living in a fantasy? #
# I'll take my chances #
# If it's possible that miracles #
# Can happen if you're cynical #
# Someday, yeah #
# 'Cause something this good
never lasts #
# Lasts forever #
# I want it to be the first time, baby #
# I'm trying to find a way to make it #
# Something much more than usual #
# Much more than usual #
# I search the sky #
# For a sign of light #
# While Orion aimed his arrow
at oblivion #
# And I wonder #
# As the northern lights are shining #
# If they're bright tonight
for guiding me #
# Somewhere #
# Stay by my side #
# I need you here with me #
# If they're sending out a message #
# That we need to know #
# Help me through it #
# If we find a way together... #
Hello? It's Andrea.
Hey, it's me. I got your message.
I wanted to talk to you
about Emily and Mark.
You know they're getting together
this weekend.
I know. I booked them
a table at my place.
I bet you did, Little Miss Nosey.
Look, Emily's our girl,
and you know she's really feeling Mark.
I don't want to see her get hurt.
Nor do I.
Good. So... I was
thinking about putting an end to it.
How would you accomplish that?
Well, the only right thing to do
is to call Mark and tip him off.
What do you think?
I think she's gonna beat you at
your own game, and you don't like it.
That is not it at all, Lauren.
And I think you may be a little jealous.
Of Emily? Ha!
Don't be ridiculous. You trippin'.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Oh, you're definitely wrong.
You're just still pissed off...
about Jerry Springer, aren't you?
I don't understand how we both lost.
I was thinking the same thing.
That's why I should call Mark.
Look, Andrea, don't do anything, OK?
Lauren? You're breaking up.
Andrea?
Can you hear me now?
You're breaking up.
Call you later!
Unbelievable.
Hey, baby. Miss me?
Well, hi there.
Ooh.
That's my jam. Yeah. Uhh! Uhh!
Carlos, man.
He thinks he can check me, dawg.
He's over here talkin' smack to me.
I'm gonna pull out
my bag of tricks for you.
Gonna give you
some of this Michael Jordan.
You want some of this Jordan?
Ah! Man, don't reach.
You want some of that? Ha ha ha!
Huh? Y'all wanna see the show?
Come on, y'all wanna see the show?
Wanna see some of that Kobe Bryant?
Wanna see a little Kobe?
- Uhh!
- Uhh!
You don't do that to Kobe, OK?
You let Kobe go.
And that was a foul.
Check it up.
Hey.
Ha ha! Hey, Holmes.
Tonight's the night.
Mm-hmm.
You don't sound too excited.
It's a sure thing, right?
It's not that. It's just that I wish...
I wish I could've done this
differently, that's all.
Man, if you ask me,
you played it perfectly.
Did I? I'm... sorry I had to meet her
this way, man.
They didn't know
who they was dealin' with.
They tried to play you, remember?
You're the winner.
Yeah.
So, tell her the truth.
And I usually don't recommend that.
But in this case, hey...
I'm in too deep, J.
What am I supposed to say?
"Hey, Emily, I overheard your bet.
Had sex with your two friends,
but I like you more."
Yeah, that don't sound too good.
So, what you gonna do, blow it off?
I mean, this is what you wanted.
Yeah, I thought so, too,
but now I don't know, man.
Look, look,
don't beat yourself up about it.
Now, you have dinner,
do your business, and that's it.
Great advice, Josh. Really, thanks.
No problem.
Just let me know what happens.
Yeah.
Two naughty little girls.
Chocolate. Chocolate.
Damn!
Hello?
Hey, man. What's up?
Aw, nothin'. Just sitting here
watching Discovery Channel, that's all.
The Discovery Channel? What's on?
You know, nature.
Documentaries and stuff, man.
Yeah.
And actually, it's quite fascinating.
Uh-huh.
Hold on, man. I'll be back.
Somebody's at the door.
I'm sorry to bother you.
No bother at all.
What can I do for you?
I cannot get the door open.
The lock must be broken.
Lock be broke, lock be fixed.
- I'll be back.
- OK.
I gotta go. I'll call you later.
What's goin' on?
It's an emergency.
Life and death! I gotta go!
Uh, let me try that. Yeah.
If you can, I would be so grateful.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, see, this is a matter
of, uh, delicacy and finesse.
Mm-hmm.
You know? It's all in the wiggle.
- You just can't shove it in.
- Right.
Oh, and mustn't be too rough.
And before you know it...
she's open.
Yes! Oh!
So sweet. Come on in.
Ah! Thank you.
- My hero.
- Heh.
It was nothin'.
To you.
- Josh.
- Sharise.
Mmm.
You know, I can't thank you enough.
I don't know what I would've done
if you hadn't come along.
You know what?
I'm just glad I could help.
Mm-hmm.
This is delicious.
Heh heh.
Oh, no!
That's the last of it.
You mind going to the store?
You want me to go to the store?
I love this wine. Heh.
I'm going to the store.
It's right down the street.
OK.
And, Josh...
while you're there...
pick up a box of condoms.
Hey, move it!
- That was quick.
- Yeah.
I didn't want to keep you waiting.
I got the wine and...
You are simply impeccable.
Impeccable. Impeccable.
Why? Because you got it goin' on.
You got it goin' on.
Who's the man? You're the man.
Who's the man? You're the man.
'Cause you got it goin' on. Ah!
Ah! Uhh! Uhh!
# Got it goin' on #
# I got it goin' on #
# I got it goin' on #
# I got it, I got it, I got it, uhh, ahh #
# Got it goin' on, I got it goin' on,
I got it, ooh! #
Get your ass in here!
Well, all right.
Ahem.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow.
Wow.
Look what I got for you.
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
Ohh, so sweet.
All right. OK?
I'm glad you could make it.
Have to admit...
I never thought she'd get this far.
Aren't you glad
I got the closed circuit hook-up?
It's not a very good picture,
and I can't hear a thing.
By the way, did you reach Mark?
He wouldn't return my phone call.
I wonder why.
Ahh.
Ahem.
This is really nice.
Yeah, a friend of mine owns it.
Heh.
That's it, Emily. Smile!
Just flirt a little it. Be yourself.
Oh!
Huh.
- Looking for someone?
- Oh, God!
Emily, you scared me.
What a coincidence. I was just here
meeting my, uh, gynecologist for a...
Uh-huh. We need to talk.
- Huh?
- Now.
Oh, all right. Hold on. My drink.
I'm coming. Ow. Ow.
- What?
- You're spying on me?
Oh, Emily. "Spying"
is an ugly, ugly word, all right?
I am here... I am supporting you.
I am cheering you on.
This goes a bit beyond supportive,
don't you think?
No.
Emily, you have to understand me.
This is an important part
of your treatment, OK?
Tonight could be
a breakthrough for you.
A breakthrough?
Are you kidding me?
No.
Dr. Klemmer,
I want you to leave immediately.
No. No, I can't. I... I... I just ordered
some potato skins.
Besides, I'm gonna sit
over there in the corner.
I'm gonna be very tiny...
shh... like a quiet mouse.
You won't even know I'm there.
This whole situation is a great big mess.
I want you to leave now. Now.
All right. Emily...
- Now.
- OK.
- I'm leaving, all right?
- Shh!
I'm gonna cancel the skins.
I'm 100% behind you.
Look at me. Here I go.
Like hell I'd miss this.
Everything OK?
Oh, just perfect.
Hurry up, she's back.
What happened?
I don't know. She just, like, took off.
How's your food?
Oh, it's fine.
I mean, I'm sure it is. It always is.
How's yours?
- Couldn't be better.
- Good.
- Mark...
- Emily...
Oh, I'm sorry. You go first.
- No. You, please.
- No, I can wait.
I insist. Ladies first.
Heh.
Something's wrong, isn't it?
Mark, I need to tell you something.
You can tell me anything.
I don't want to, but I have to.
- Look, Emily...
- No, this has gone on long enough.
What are you...
Come on, don't blow it, Emily.
What are you talking about?
What...
What are you looking at?
This is my patient.
I'm working now. Thank you.
The thing is,
I like you very much, Mark.
I feel the same way about you.
Well, you may not after you hear
what I have to tell you.
Oh, my God. This isn't easy for me.
OK, I'm just gonna say it.
What is she saying? What's going on?
I don't know! I told you
we should've bugged the table.
Damn.
So, my plan was to bring you
home with me tonight...
and... well, you know.
I think so.
But now that I'm here with you...
I can't.
I just can't go through with it.
Oh, Emily.
Ohh.
She's telling him everything!
I knew she didn't have it in her.
No, it was wrong.
It was devious, dishonest...
Let me ask you something.
You said that you were gonna bail out.
Why didn't you?
I should have.
God, I wish I had.
But the truth is...
I wanted to meet you.
That day
you walked in the restaurant...
the first time I saw you...
I thought...
"Wow. He looks so nice...
confident, together."
You know, it's silly...
but sometimes you just get
a feeling about someone...
even from across the room.
Listen, if you never want
to speak to me again...
I completely understand.
Emily, I need to tell you something...
and I hope that...
when I tell you this, you'll find it
in your heart to forgive me.
Forgive you? For what?
When you were at the restaurant
with your girlfriends...
I felt really bad about it...
not telling you the whole thing.
Emily.
Ohh. Emily!
You don't have enough cameras.
And there's no damn sound.
Emily, Emily. Wait, wait, wait.
Emily, Emily, Emily.
Listen, listen, please.
Just please. Sit here.
Come on, baby. Sit here.
What the...
Excuse me. Emily...
I didn't plan any of this.
It just happened.
You know him?
I mean, I heard your voices,
I looked over.
I saw three beautiful ladies...
talking about how
they each were gonna have sex...
with the next guy
that walks in the door.
- Three of 'em?
- Honestly, I got caught up, OK?
What was I to do?
Emily, a guy like me...
I'd be lucky to meet one of you
in a lifetime, much less three.
- Oh, they're freaks!
- I think any man in my position...
would've at least considered
the same thing.
Look, my man,
if three beautiful women...
wanted to make love to you,
would that be a problem?
For me? No. But for my wife?
She don't get down like that
no more, player.
Don't tell 'em my...
Um... heh. Wait a minute.
Maybe we should let them
have this table.
No. I'm sorry. I apologize.
We're ruining your dinner.
No, not really, man.
This is off the chain. I love this.
Wait, wait, George, George,
don't you get it?
This is one of those, uh,
hidden camera TV shows.
- You bullshittin'!
- No!
Where the camera at?
I don't know.
They hide 'em somewhere.
Oh! Off the chain.
- Emily...
- Oh.
I wore my nice dress.
You said it yourself.
You're as guilty as I am.
And the way I see it...
if it wasn't for your contest,
we wouldn't have met.
Emily, please.
I don't want to lose you.
Ohh. Go ahead. Forgive him, girl.
He seems like a nice guy.
And y'all look great together.
I mean, perfect. Better than perfect.
- Y'all do.
- Heh.
Emily...
I have never said this
to anyone in my life.
When I look at you,
I see everything I've ever wanted.
Hey, I don't have all the answers.
But the one thing
that I am so sure of...
is that I want a chance
to have you in my life.
Oh. That is so sweet.
Why you never say anything like that?
This is TV, girl. This ain't real.
- Get your mind right.
- Shut up.
Emily, unless I'm wrong...
you do have feelings for me,
don't you?
Good. That is good.
So, uh, how about, uh, we start over?
You know? No more games.
Total honesty from here on.
Go, girl. Give him another shot.
Emily, you could do that.
It's worth it.
Heh.
Go ahead.
Why don't we go for a walk?
Yeah. Come on.
- Wait, wait, wait. Where y'all goin'?
- Hey, hey, where you goin'?
The show just started.
We got thirty minutes, don't we?
All right, now.
Y'all was good, though.
That was good.
That was a good performance.
Y'all were da bomb!
Oh, man, that's a Golden Globe.
Golden Globe for sure!
I almost dropped a tear!
- Shoot.
- Ha ha!
I think I saw him on
The Young and the Restless.
You think we're going to get a check
for being on the show?
I don't know about a check...
but you better keep your eyes
in your head next time.
I saw you lookin' at her.
- What you talkin' about...
- I saw you lookin' at her!
Heh. You gotta keep
bringin' it up, OK?
Speakin' of checks... check, please!
Give him the check.
Nah, you know I ain't got it.
We'll go to jail together.
I ain't goin' to jail.
You already been five times.
That's all right. At least I'll be full,
and I know people.
Oh, you full, all right.
That's all right.
They're gonna get you.
- Full of shit!
- I gotta get up out of here.
Let me go buy you a drink.
Heh. Make it a double.
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
Can I get you another drink?
- Heh. Hello.
- Hi.
You want to buy me a drink?
Yeah. Unless I'm intruding.
Oh, intrude away.
Heh. Bartender, another, um...
Oh, a kir royale.
Kir royale for the lovely lady...
and one for me as well.
# Something this good
never lasts forever #
# I want it to be the first time, baby #
# I'm trying to find a way to make it #
# Something much more than usual #
# And something this good
never lasts forever... #
So, Lauren and I got played,
and Emily ends up with Mark.
That's OK.
Like I said, she is my girl...
and I taught her everything she knows.
And you have to admit,
they do look kind of good together.
But enough about them.
Now... back to me.
Knew I should've left that club early.
That's the restaurant
we should've been goin' to.
- OK.
- We'd have three of 'em.
Three of 'em come in... together!
I'm outta here.
You done held me back long enough.
- Heh heh.
- I got dreams.
Mm-hmm. I know you got dreams.
That man got three of 'em.
- Ha ha!
- Three of 'em.
Ha ha ha ha!
# Fallin' for you #
# For the things that you do
make me feel... #
Uhh!
That was great... somewhat.
But OK.
Ha ha ha!
Two more. You all right.
- I'm gettin' tired.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Cut.
That girl was crazy, if you ask me.
She made a big mistake.
You damn right.
Tanya, where you at, girl?
I thought you was goin' to the bathroom.
You left me here.
I don't have no money.
But you done left me for the last time.
What up, what up, what up, what up?
Oh, my boy. Baby, what is up?
You ain't gonna believe
what went down...
this here evenin'
in this restaurant. Oh!
Man, I done messed around
and fell up in a reality show.
I mean, lord, have mercy.
This woman,
finer than a government job!
Level from one to ten...
she's a fuckin' fifteen!
Fifteen!
You should've seen them.
All of 'em was fine.
Baskin-Robbins...
he had all kinda flavors.
One was French vanilla,
one was vanilla...
and one was choc-a-lot!
Yeah, and they videotaped it, though...
so you're gonna have
to make love with your shirt on...
'cause, you know,
you got male breasts and stuff.
That kind of thing
might break you out, you know?
Yeah! Fine women.
I'm talkin' 'bout
got they own money...
face done, nails...
ain't like the women we mess with...
you know, got three fingers
and stuff like that.
It's hard makin' love
to a woman with three fingers.
They rub on your back,
you start squirmin' and stuff.
Oh, lord! Yeah!
You got to get down here.
Man, I'm not lyin'.
Better than the midgets you ever had.
Leave the toys at home, man.
You're goin' to hell in a limo.
You need to get your mind right.
Do you know I am the man?
Hey, baby. I'm glad I caught you.
Before you say anything,
look, I mean it this time...
I know I ain't made love
past the commercial...
but you talkin' to a new man now, baby.
And I'm gonna give it to you
like you never had it before.
Forget viagra. I had diagna.
That mean I've been denied.
I'm telling you, I'm having an epiphany
about me and you right now.
Well, who is this?
I don't know no Laquisha.
Well, I'd like to know you.
I mean, the offer stands for you, too.
I mean, if you come pick me up.
Cut. Ha ha! I'm sorry.