Gilbert (2017) Movie Script

(upbeat percussion music)
(applauding and cheering)
- Okay.
Our next guest is a
strange and funny comedian
and he certainly is strange
and also very funny.
(audience laughs)
- [Regis] I went to see
your favorite comedian
in the world last night.
- Of course you went to see--
- [Both] Gilbert Gottfried.
- Yes, has anybody seen Gilbert?
(audience laughs)
- He's been doing
standup since the 1970s
and was named the Comedian's
Comedian by Vanity Fair.
- [Man] Have you heard
that before about him
being called the comic's comic?
- He is, he is.
He's in a completely
different level
than everybody else
doing comedy. I think.
- [Arsenio] Hey, you gonna
be nice tonight, man?
'Cause I'm not gonna book
you no more if you're not.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
(audience cheers)
I'm sorry, I'll go back.
Pretend you didn't see me.
- Okay.
- When he introduces,
pretend this never happened.
- Now go back.
- And film it.
- Go back there!
- What is your dream?
- My dream,
it usually involves a midget.
- Not that dream.
- Yes.
- The one when you're awake
and you think of your career.
- Okay, all right.
Then it's five midgets.
(audience laughs)
- If the Catskills were
located in the Twilight Zone,
Gilbert Gottfried would
appear there nightly.
- [Man] Jackie
Gleason in Casablanca.
- You're getting on that
plane with Vic Laszlo
and I know that you
know that I know
that you're getting
on that plane.
- Gottfried is a standup
comic who has appeared
in a number of films
and he always seems to
play an obnoxious creep.
- No no no!
- But my dad says
third grade is--
- Your dad is a moron!
- Look at this, I'm so
ticked off that I'm molting.
- You are singlehandedly
for creating the
position of full-time
censor of the Emmys.
- I sleep a lot better
since Peewee Herman's
been arrested.
Masturbation's a crime,
I should be on death row.
- [Host] Remember
this is a family show.
- Yes, I know, that's the
first thing you told me.
- Yeah yeah.
- That's the first
thing everyone tells me.
All of a sudden she goes please,
honey, fuck me in the ass!
(gun fires)
This is a clean one.
- Now Gilbert.
- Yes?
- [Regis] Not much is known
about your personal life.
- And thank God for it.
- Gilbert!
- Yes!
- What were you like as a kid?
- What?
I was the same
way, just smaller.
- You don't wanna talk
about your love life huh?
- What, what, as soon as
it happens I'll tell you
all about it.
- [Man] Do you actually
talk like that?
- Aflac!
- No, I usually have
a strong Irish brogue.
You are a black
man, are you not?
- Yeah.
- How do you know
you're at a gay picnic?
All the hot dogs
taste like shit.
- I think this is an act.
'Cause if you are genuine,
you are a monster.
He is.
- [Howard] I heard something
about Gilbert Gottfried.
- [Man] Really?
- [Howard] Holy mackerel.
- [Woman] What'd you hear?
- [Howard] Bring Gilbert
in, I gotta talk to him.
- [Gilbert] Oi.
- Is it true what I've heard?
- [Woman] Are you married?
- [Howard] No, he's engaged.
- Oh, what?
- [Howard] Look at
the pain in Gilbert.
- [Woman] Look at the
face, look at the face!
- But here's the bigger news.
- What?
- And tell me if
it's true or not.
Are you having a baby?
- No no I'm just haven't
been working out.
- [Howard] How did this happen?
- I don't know.
Boy this will take
more than a radio show,
this'll take therapy.
- Gilbert you're really
trying to keep your whole
private life, like you
don't even want people
to know it exists, is that--
- Yes, yes.
- You still like to pretend--
- Yes, yeah.
- You're that guy we've known
all along who has no one.
- Yeah.
- This really breaks
your whole persona
because you're the
guy who doesn't care--
- Yeah.
- [Howard] And now all
of a sudden you do.
- Yeah this is horrible.
- So is that it, you're
not gonna tell us
any of the story of how
this all came to be?
(playful music)
- Oh man.
If the 25 year old
Gilbert or even the, God,
any of the other Gilberts
if they walked in here
would definitely be in
the wrong apartment.
- Gilbert is very
authentic on stage,
but he's a very sweet,
rather shy person off stage.
So there's a natural
curiosity what prompts that.
- He's quirky and
he's different.
Every character flaw
that doesn't work in life
works as a comedian.
- Does he talk like that?
If it's just the two
of us and we're talking
and he gets ahold of
something that's really funny
yeah, he does talk like that.
Is he in character
for all of that?
No, but he's very, very
hesitant to let down the guard.
- I think there's
always a little surprise
that he became a dad.
And became a husband.
I think no one was more
surprised than him.
- I had no idea, when I
heard that there was a Dara,
I was actually curious what
this person would look like.
- I was afraid to meet her
because I said it's gonna be
the most emotionally
damaged, I couldn't,
like a girl, I pictured
a girl who was a deaf mute
who would never look up.
(gentle music)
- I'm glad you got dressed up.
- [Gilbert] Yes.
No one told me to
get dressed up.
- Do you have shorts
on underneath?
- Yes.
I still feel very uncomfortable
going, you know, my wife.
Still feels weird.
My kids.
Still feels odd to say it.
'Cause it doesn't
seem real to me.
- Oh, I'm Dara and I'm
married to Gilbert.
I'm Dara and I'm Gilbert's wife.
- This is the first
I've heard of it.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, okay.
- He never had a
girlfriend by the way.
He never had a relationship.
Then he ends up with a
beautiful girl with two kids?
There's hope for everyone.
- Oh, come in.
- Oh, yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm the mother.
(light music)
- Okay so this picture is a
family picture from this year.
Max, Dara, Gilbert, and me.
- Max Gottfried.
- Say nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- And this picture was
from two years ago.
- [Neil] Who's that?
- It's the same people there.
It's the same people
in this picture.
I already told you.
- He does, he tells
jokes to people.
- And he sells books and movies.
- Yeah.
- That what he does?
- And there's toys of him
and stuffed animals of him.
- Um...
- Not really.
- Not really, not really.
- Daddy.
Want some candy, you
want the gummies Lily?
- I don't have gummies.
Love you.
- [Max] Quick Lily, love
you Daddy, love you Daddy!
- Bye bye, bye, bye!
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Quite often I look at my life
as a Twilight Zone episode
like those episodes
where a guy wakes up
and he's in this totally
different world,
totally different life.
I wake up and I go what
are these other clothes
hanging here and what's
this weird apartment
where the furniture matches?
And they go why,
you're married sir.
What so me and some
woman live here?
Yes, you a woman
and two children
that are your children sir.
I don't think I could
have imagined it
and I wish I can
enjoy things fully,
but I feel like I
still haven't woken up
and said oh, this is my life.
(phone ringing)
Let me just see
if this is Dara's.
Hello, hello?
- [Gilbert] Eventually,
Neil's here.
- Uh yeah it means fuck you.
- Okay.
- When I first met Gilbert--
- I did nothing but clean.
- There was nothing
dirty in his act.
He would not say one
dirty word in his act.
For a long time.
It wasn't until The
Aristocrats, right?
- Maybe.
- You were like adamant
about staying clean.
- Yeah.
- You were the
complete opposite.
- I was like Art Linkletter
they used to compare me to.
- No 'cause you used
to say that you thought
that it was easy to work dirty.
- Yeah.
Yeah like fuck and shit cunt
and blowjob and dick and pussy.
Those words I never say.
- You never used to say that.
When we first started dating--
- Pussy.
- You were adamant about
having a clean act.
- Pussy, pussy, dick, fuck you,
fuck you you piece of shit.
- You didn't like it when
people cursed in their act.
- Fuck you.
- You didn't, you remember that?
- Curse in your fuckin' cunt,
that's how I curse, fuck you.
- He wouldn't say any of that
when we first started dating.
And he did yoga.
- Yeah.
(light music)
- You know it's
hard to remember.
People ask me this
a lot, was he funny?
And you know he was my
brother so it's hard for me
to even remember like was
there anything outstanding
about him?
Growing up I can't say he
was like unusually funny
or anything like that.
He used to do impressions,
but that was a bit later on
when he was more
like a teenager.
- He has a natural sense of
humor but I just remember him
as kind of I would say
he was shy and quiet.
- The only really thing
that I remember was that the
first night when we went
to the Blarney Stone
and they had an open
mic and I remembered how
I was impressed with his comedy.
- He was so young, my goodness.
He went up and he
was doing some jokes
and I remember distinctly
someone said, "Shut up!"
- It was still funny you know.
And he got to the point
where he was a performer.
Gilbert was waving
before, he got recognized
in the airport and now
he doesn't want to be on
the video tape.
- He's camera shy.
People assume that he's his
stage character all the time.
That's the furthest
thing from the truth.
He wants to be as the
character he likes that
but he doesn't want to be
himself on the videotape.
- [Arlene] And it's different,
if you're gonna pay the guy
a million bucks he'll put on
the act but if you're not,
he ain't gonna do it.
- [Karen] I don't want that act.
He doesn't want to
be on the camera
unless he's doing the act.
- Yeah, I'm scared they
won't like what they see
or whatever they like
about me, whatever they're
entertained by they might not...
But it's always the case, it's
like from the Wizard of Oz.
Don't look at that man
behind the curtain.
You don't know how they're
react to you after that.
- Who are you?
- I am the great and
powerful wizard of Oz.
- You are?
I don't believe you!
(upbeat music)
- Our guest this week
is an actor, author,
voice over artist, and
one of the most successful
and popular stand up
comedians in the world.
A man far too important
and busy to be caught dead
appearing on this show,
our pal Jim Gaffigan.
- Oh thank you, thank
you for having me.
This is an honor, Gilbert.
- Yes.
- This is cool that
we're doing this
at the Friar's too right?
- Oh yeah.
Now let's talk about
your first special.
- Okay.
- Bitches be suckin' my dick.
- I'm known as a clean comic.
This is different than I
thought it was going to be.
He was much different.
I didn't understand this.
- And now you actually
love doing stand up.
- I do love it.
Don't you feel great after
a set or do you feel,
are you somebody who never
feels good after a set?
- Well my fantasy right before
I'm about to go on stage
is that the manager is
gonna come back stage
and go there was like
a fire or a flood--
- Oh that's interesting.
- Here's your check, go home.
- Yeah, that's, I just
feel as though stand up
can cure me of
life's afflictions.
So if I'm sad it
can change my mood.
If I'm overly confident it
kind of balances me out.
Like I always think it's
strange when people are like
can you believe
Seinfeld's doing stand up?
I'm like he doesn't
have a choice everyone.
- Yeah.
- It's like once
you're a comedian,
you have that heroin
in your system.
It doesn't, here we
are at the Friar's.
There are 90 year old
comedians that go up--
- Oh yeah.
- That can barely move
and when they get on stage
they kind of light up.
- [Frank] Gilbert's one of them.
- Yes.
- I called Dara recently and
I said, "Where's Gilbert?"
And she goes he's on the road.
And I go where is he?
She goes San Antonio.
I said Gilbert Gottfried is
alone in San Antonio right now.
I can't believe that.
I can't believe!
I said who's taking
him to the club,
who's getting him
in the hotel room,
who's opening his bag,
who's telling him where
his toothbrush is?
I lost sleep over it.
(light music)
- Oh.
- He's on the road a lot.
He'll leave on a
Wednesday or a Thursday,
maybe a gig that night,
an early and a late show
on a Friday, an early and
a late show on a Saturday,
fly back on Sunday or Monday.
You know it's a
grind, it's tiring.
- Now I pack very neatly.
These are shorts, t-shirts,
some script for something.
This is usually my flying shirt.
This piece of paper, probably
something I don't need.
See this is why I should
clean out this thing.
These are worn out socks I have
that I'll be wearing today.
Dara's idea was to at least
put some of the stuff in bags.
This actually was a good idea.
- Is anybody talking about
how notoriously cheap he is?
- [Neil] Little bit.
- Yeah, I've only
heard the stories.
When he goes in for
voiceovers and he like
empties all the mints
into his fuckin' pockets.
- [Gilbert] Here's some
peanut butter cookies
that I obviously got
for free somewhere.
- I think he's the only guest
that takes all the sodas
from the dressing
room at the show.
I gotta take these with me.
- I imagine he wears
cargo pants a lot.
- Oh the box, the two boxes.
This one's my DVDs.
The term is merch.
So they'll go hey you
selling any merch?
Got any merch?
And so I bring merch.
- When you live in a
three million dollar co-op
in New York City like
Gilbert does yeah,
it's weird to sell your
DVDs after your shows.
Especially when no one has a
fuckin' DVD player anymore.
- He is one of the cheapest
people in the world.
So Gilbert's going to kinda
cut corners wherever he can.
(gentle music)
- You can't do that to yourself.
You can't.
That's how you end up getting
shorter and shit, you just
keep yourself all cramped
up in the back of the bus.
How the fuck does he ride a bus?
There's not people on there
going is that Gilbert Gottfried?
Hey I wanna use the bathroom
on the bus, I can't,
Gilbert Gottfried's in there.
- Is Gilbert Gottfried
getting on the bus?
That's awesome,
I'm such a Aladdin fan.
- Hey, hey how are you?
- Whenever I go to
hotels I get my brush--
- Here you go darling,
here you go sweetheart.
- Hey do you have underarm?
- Huh?
- Underarm.
- Let me see if
we have any here.
You know what?
Since you're such a sweetheart
I'm giving this to you.
- Oh thank you.
- There you go.
- See?
Years in the business.
You get a free one
ounce underarm.
Here we are at a torn
up, beat up, dirty couch
and in a cluttered office and
I'm sure the audience thinks
it's probably some
palace back here.
Dangerfield had this line
he always used to say.
No matter how big you are
you always enter
through the kitchen.
And it's true.
It's like you're watching
through the kitchen
being careful 'cause the floor's
greasy and you go onstage
to the applause.
(applauding and cheering)
You know Michael Douglas
said that he thinks
he may have gotten throat
cancer from performing oral sex
on his wife.
I don't know.
I think cancer is a
small price to pay
to lick Catherine
Zeta-Jones's pussy.
(playful music)
I would take any
strain of cancer
to lick Catherine
Zeta-Jones's pussy.
You could give me
Parkinson's disease
to lick Catherine
Zeta-Jones's pussy.
You can give me a combination
of polio and leprosy
to lick Catherine
Zeta-Jones's pussy.
You can give me Lou
Gehrig's disease.
You can give me a form of
muscular dystrophy so powerful
that while I'm licking
Catherine Zeta-Jones's pussy
Jerry Lewis pops out of it.
(mimicking Jerry Lewis)
Thank you, goodnight.
(cheering and applauding)
You wanna know what a big
star does out on the road?
You know like say the Rolling
Stones just did a big show
and then what happens next?
Well me, I soak my socks
and underwear in the sink.
I read somewhere that
suds don't do a damn thing
in shampoos and soaps.
But people like suds.
You know you like shampooing
and getting a lot of suds
or washing a bar of
soap and seeing suds
and it doesn't do anything.
So here's my
underwear and socks.
Dip them under quickly
because it'll burn my fingers.
This is good hot water.
And there you go.
And then I watch TV
or floss my teeth.
And I live the life
of a celebrity.
(Max shouting)
- Max you gotta go out
because I'm filming something.
You wanna help me
put all this back?
- [Neil] Yeah.
- Oh my god.
- So Gilbert won't let
me throw anything away.
He hoards everything.
He'll come home from a hotel
with a bag of stuff like this.
Do you need any hotel slippers?
T-shirts, forget it.
He's got so many t-shirts,
look at all these.
And then wait.
All the shirts I have
under here and pants
and then the endless,
endless supply of soaps,
every bed has buckets of
these soaps and shampoos.
- [Neil] Holy shit.
- This is just one.
It keeps going.
Oh man.
You sure you don't
need anything?
There's like so many.
Oh look, Lady Speed
Stick, I'll use that.
When we moved from his
old apartment he had
soap from PanAm and
Eastern Airlines.
(gentle music)
So anyway I don't want
him to be uncomfortable
so I store it under the bed.
- If he was here right now
he'd be really embarrassed
'cause he gets really
embarrassed when
So sorry Gilbert.
I used to work in
the music business
and I was therefore
at a Grammys party.
Gilbert was invited
by a friend of his
and we were both standing
in line at the food table.
He just, he looked kind of
lost and sweet sweet sweet.
He asked for my phone
number and then actually
only two days went by
and he asked me out
for coffee and dessert.
He walked me home at
the end of the night
and spent an hour
telling me turtle jokes
and I thought this is the most
bizarre date I've ever had
but I was so comfortable
and he was like no man
that I had ever met before.
I know that he feels
like he's in like
a Twilight Zone episode,
but I don't know.
We seem to fit
really well together.
- She's given his life this
structure that I don't know.
Gilbert was the guy who was
showing up in dirty clothes
when he was single and he
didn't function very well.
And I think Dara was the
perfect woman for him.
She's really strong,
she gets him.
Once she fell in
love with Gilbert
there was not gonna
be anybody else.
I mean this is one of the most
unique human beings alive.
- See this is kind of a
waste of filming in a car
when we're at a light.
It just ruins the whole,
oh, here we go, here we go.
This is exciting, eh?
- Hi I'm Dara.
- Kevin.
- Kevin, nice to meet you.
(doorbell rings)
- [Arlene] Come in!
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- You walked here?
- Yeah.
We were gonna walk here.
- [Gilbert] Pretty much
every day when I'm in town.
- Uh yeah I visit
both my sisters.
- I guess.
(easy music)
- My mother was very quiet
so it was hard to know
exactly how she felt about it
but I think she enjoyed it.
- [Lillian] You see
how you can't stop?
That doesn't make sense.
- My grandmother, even
more so than my mother,
I think was excited.
- My grandmother was
always kidding around,
it was hilarious.
She loved a good laugh.
There's something in the
DNA or whatever it is
'cause I think all of us had
different creative gifts.
Back then I was always
photographing family,
places that I liked to go.
Capturing moments.
This is my book, my first book.
Selwyn Rawls and the Eternal
Light Community Singers,
a gospel choir of New York.
I joined them after a while.
- Yeah, it's like the power
that drew me to photograph them
kept pulling me.
(gospel choir music)
I miss singing, I
used to love it.
It's a great release
and a great expression.
I know
Well lord are you standing
- What the fuck's going on?
This is supposed to
be my documentary.
(playful music)
I grew up in Brooklyn.
- This is it.
- Yeah.
- [Gilbert] Many years
back I was a kid.
See few people know this,
I've kept that a secret.
I remember--
- [Gilbert] Oh my god.
- [Arlene] You see that little
sign up there in the middle,
that metal, it's a metal sign.
- [Gilbert] Oh my god, that!
- That's really the only memory
that's still alive and
well is that little sign.
- [Gilbert] Wow.
Our father put that up there.
- He was a handyman
and a very good one.
He thought Gilbert would
make a good electrician.
- He was good.
He could like bang through
a wall, rewire, plaster it.
I don't have any of that.
I can barely change a lightbulb.
- Uh, just that people say
he looks like him the most.
(gentle music)
- This is the apartment
we all grew up in.
- My father, he used
to get very angry
about things about my brother.
He was worried that
he wouldn't do well
or wouldn't have a trade.
Things like that.
- [Arlene] And why
did that happen?
- Uh yeah, lot of
memories being here.
Well I dropped
out of high school
which was not a good thing.
I'm sure my father
thought, you know,
he's the loser of the group.
- People always think
like oh did you want
your parents' approval?
Well I guess you do, but
I remember when my father
was alive there was no
sign of success anywhere
in the future.
My dad died when he was 66.
I was 18 or 19.
- I think most comedians
have that need to impress
their parents.
To me that's the saddest
thing in the world,
your parents never seeing
you being successful.
- I think we all have our
own little private audience
that nobody else knows about
that we want approval from.
And maybe we can't
get it from them,
maybe they're not
with us anymore,
and so what we're
doing is substituting
the strangers giving
us that approval.
- People want to say all
the time that comedians
are damaged and that's
why they go into comedy
or they're seeking approval,
and yes, those things
are absolutely all true,
but it's true for firemen
and teachers and plumbers,
it's true for everybody.
And that's the reason
why comedy works
is because everybody feels it.
- [Announcer] Please
give a warm welcome
to the great Gilbert Gottfried.
(cheering and applauding)
(light jazzy music)
- I'll tell you what, in the
late '70s and we first met
at the Improvisation, 44th
and 9th, Hell's Kitchen.
A time in New York
where it was just
dank and dirty and dangerous.
- I'll never forget the
first time I saw him,
I was at Catch A Rising Star.
- This guy comes on stage at
like 12:30 in the morning,
you know which is like
the graveyard shift.
His energy was off the
charts and he was just
improving everything.
- He was this funny,
quirky, screaming, bizarre,
brave thing on stage, and I
asked somebody what is that?
And they said that's Gilbert.
- Oh thank you, oh thank
you, oh god bless you.
Oh thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I think I was 17 when
I walked into Catch.
There used to be a line outside
and you'd get on the
line to do auditions
so that one day if they
accepted you, you could work
for free, that's the
way those clubs work.
- You know when you think
about it a boy comic like him
at 15, with that kind
of weird voice and act,
I'm sure he had to
battle many a crowd,
like they must have just
booed and heckled him offstage
many a time and I think
that a lot of his voice
is the talking over a
rough, rambunctious crowd.
- Did this ever happen to you?
Did this ever happen?
You're putting on your
shirt and you button it
and one side's longer than the
other and then you (shouts).
But seriously, you're
combing your hair
and the part is crooked
and you (mumbles)
and you gotta comb
it all over again!
When people ask me
like your delivery now,
when did you first develop that?
Hi, to those of you
who just tuned in,
this is Jews with jokes.
It's like you don't know.
I just went onstage
a few billion times
and then one day you
wake up and go oh,
I seem to be like that now.
He's a lunatic.
He's a sick man.
This ranting and raving is
a desperate cry for help.
- He doesn't care if you
don't like his first joke.
'Cause maybe you'll
like his second,
maybe you'll like his third,
and he just keeps on going.
- [Gilbert] Well I don't wanna
be here any more than you do.
So let me barrel through
this and we can all
get the hell outta here.
- The audience didn't
have anything to do
with his performance,
because he was not relying
on the audience to be
a part of his routine.
- It was walking a tightrope.
With Gilbert, is this
Gilbert's crowd tonight?
I have no idea, let's find out.
He didn't really care.
Which is very brave
and really funny.
- Tony Curtis talking
to Gavin McCloud.
Hi Gavin.
Hi Tony.
How are you?
I'm fine.
Want some coffee?
I think I'll have a donut.
Alright, I'll have one too.
You will have two donuts?
I would go to the clubs,
I don't think I was going
every night yet.
After a while it just hit
me, I think I'm gonna go
every night.
And then it became weird
because it became an addiction.
I mean I was going when there
would be transit strikes,
snow storms.
- Yeah, I remember one
time I worked one place
and they actually gave me $7
and I thought that was amazing.
And then I went back the
next time they gave me $5.
- Hug.
Oh come on.
Did you bring a couple
extras just in case?
- Okay.
- Happy anniversary.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Love you.
Love you, have fun.
(light jazzy music)
- If Gilbert defines
himself as a comic,
that comes with
certain expectations
and lack of bigger ones.
- Stand up comic's
life is, oh god.
You know, I tell stand up
agents they don't know why
we bitch I'm like
you don't get it.
You get 10% for answering
a phone basically.
I go to these, I go to Denver,
I physically go to Denver.
I unpack, I hang out
with people from Denver
and I tell them jokes.
It's not glamorous
at all, at all.
- I don't know if I
ever had a clear vision
of what success was going to be.
And whatever it is,
it's always different,
the way things turn out
are always different
than you imagine them.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, okay, where is it?
- You're heading there.
- Okay yeah okay.
- So they feel like they can
be that GI storming the bunkers
in Normandy.
- Oh.
- [Man] Well that's
the thing you know.
The Germans lost the war but
they won the fashion show.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Oh good, good.
- It's a fricking
pleasure meeting you.
- Oh thank you.
- I am serious man.
What are you doing here?
- Yeah, that's what
I'd like to know.
Feeling nervous a
Jew being so close.
An old Jewish woman brings
her grandson to the beach,
her three year old grandson.
The old Jewish woman
falls asleep in the sand
and the grandson
starts wandering off.
A wave sweeps him up and
drags him further and further
out into the water.
The Jewish woman is
yelling save my grandson
and a man runs forward,
leaps in the water,
and is swimming
against the current
and the waves are knocking
him against the rocks
and he's getting all bloody.
Then he finally swims
out, grabs the little boy,
lifts him up out of the water.
A giant shark starts
coming at them and the man
starts beating off the shark.
Well I don't mean
beating off the shark.
Because if you beat off
the shark that would make
the shark stick around.
So he's beating off the
shark and the shark's going
oh oh oh oh no.
He's punching.
Wait, should I start
from the beginning?
There are two sharks there now
and one he's fingering the pussy
and the other he's beating
off and he's talking dirty.
Yeah, that's it,
I'm fingering your pussy
you fucking shark-toothed bitch
and I'm beating you
off, fuck you bitch!
Okay, where was I?
So he's holding the little
kid and he brings him
to the shore and he
drops him on the sand
and then the kid's not
breathing and he's pumping
his arms up and down.
Finally the boy spits
up water and he's alive
and the beach is cheering and
the old Jewish grandmother
goes, "He had a hat."
- Goodnight.
- Night.
- You selling books and CDs?
- Oh yes.
- [Man] What would
you like (mumbles)?
- I'll take a DVD.
- The DVD, oh, DVD?
- Your podcast is my
favorite thing every week.
- Oh thank you.
- It's true, that was
very fun, thank you.
- Great show, great show.
- Thank you.
Oh jeez.
And that's how it started.
- You're very good onstage.
- Oh thank you.
Heil five.
- I feel bad about the uniform.
- Why, it's not wrinkled.
It's pressed.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Actually I got a joke for you.
- Oh.
- Why did Michael Jackson
get divorced twice?
- Oh why?
- Came home with
crayon on his collar.
Yeah it's bad but,
Blanket knows.
- Well it's not the worst
thing the Nazis have done,
a bad Michael Jackson joke.
("The Infernal Galop" from
Orpheus in the Underworld
by Jacques Offenbach)
It's usually not like this.
Usually they don't have
soldiers throughout history
following you around
wanting your autograph.
You usually don't have
Nazis who want their picture
taken with you.
- [Man] Okay everybody say--
- [All] Aflack.
- Oh, here's, God.
This is just material.
So that's how well I
have it written out.
- Oh, the sieg heil, and
I'll see if I remember this.
I'd go, you know before Hitler
came up with this sieg heil
he had to try a few other ones.
That didn't really work as well.
Like he would go
out on the balcony
and give an impassioned speech
and work the crowd into
a frenzy and then go sieg heil!
- People are becoming to
appreciate the far-out humor
of Gilbert Gottfried.
He really is terrific.
You may have seen him now
in Beverly Hills Cop 2.
I don't know, has Gilbert
been seen in other movies?
- Yes, he'll tell us.
- Alright fine.
- He's a wonderful interview.
(upbeat music)
- Are we on?
- Oh we're on.
- Yeah we're on.
- We're on now.
- How come the
camera's back there?
What happened?
- People like Gilbert.
He made an initial
boom, he came out
and he threw a punch right away.
- What do you play in the film?
- Uh I play a loud,
irritating Jew
which is a stretch for me.
- That was back when like
if you had a spot like that
in a movie you blew up.
Especially if it was an Eddie
Murphy movie, forget it.
- What are you
trying to say sir?
- Like you'd be holding
something in that hand
and this hand you'd
forget about it.
This hand...
- His absurd impressions
and rambling tangents
have made Gilbert Gottfried
a guy you don't easily forget.
- Why do people wear shoes?
- [Man] The comic
hasn't had trouble
developing into a film actor.
- A little rambunctious, but
weren't we all at that age?
- [Man] How is your
movie career progressing?
I mean you're obviously
expanding, how's it going?
- I'm expanding, I'm expanding.
It goes on by the second.
She's a hooker!
The prosecution rests.
Every minute it's expanding.
As we speak it's expanding.
How close can you get?
- No one even in the
business believed
that they could ever have a
real conversation with him.
- This character--
- Yes?
- You've developed--
- Uh huh.
- Is it based on you--
- Can you enunciate?
- Thank God this is almost
over, this interview.
- Did you just
hike your skirt up?
- No.
- Now I'm gonna ask
you two questions.
- Yes.
- I'm gonna ask
you two questions--
- Yes.
- And you gonna answer them.
- Yes.
Can I ask you a question?
- No, this is not your
damn show Gilbert!
You answer my question.
- Wait, have you ever
had sex with Paula Abdul?
- Oh!
(playful music)
- We wanna know don't we?
- You don't have to imitate
spontaneity with Gilbert,
and you don't have to imitate
the danger of the moment.
He'll do all that for you.
- Local film production--
- Can I just do my plug and
get the hell outta here?
- (laughing)
- Can I please?
I'm in Aladdin, just go see it.
- Okay, okay you marry
the princess right?
- It was incredibly odd when
you first hear in the grapevine
in this club that Gilbert's
gonna be in Aladdin.
- And then we drop papa in
law and the little woman
off a cliff.
- I love the way your
fowl little mind works.
- It's so funny because
Aladdin is such, it's Disney!
He's so not Disney.
- There's gonna
be a new Aladdin,
it's the Return of Jafar,
and it's going right,
it has everything that
the movie didn't have.
Full frontal nudity.
- Really?
Now Gilbert, you don't strike
me as a Disney kinda guy.
- Yeah I'm a Disney kinda guy.
You know I just finished
reading Mackenzie Phillips's
In Mackenzie Phillips's
she says that when
she was a little girl,
her father would climb into
bed with her every night
and have sex with her.
This to me was mind-boggling.
I can't get my daughter
to hold my hand
when we cross the street.
We're running through
oncoming traffic
and she's pulling away from me
and this guy's nailing
his daughter every night!
And I'm not saying I want my
daughter to have sex with me.
I just want her to know
that Barbie Dream House
- wasn't free.
- (laughing)
(playful music)
- Oh jeez, which ones bother me?
- [Neil] Yeah.
- Well I don't really like
the Mackenzie Phillips joke.
- The worst thing
you could say to me
is don't joke about that.
If you say don't joke
about it, that's wrong,
that's horrible if
you joke about, well,
then I'm gonna joke about it.
- He tells me to shut up.
- Gilbert is a child and he's
a demon at the same time.
Certainly Dara saw that in him.
My guess is that Dara
was really patient
when they started going out.
Is really patient today.
But you know, Dara now has
literally three children.
- Look look.
- What?
- She's waking up.
You know at night
I heard her moving
and then I went down here and
she was sitting up like this
with her eyes open.
- That's weird.
Don't jump down the
building, you'll die.
- [Man] Yeah, don't let
her jump down the building.
- So soft.
- Right?
- [Gilbert] Okay Maxy, Maxy.
- Should I take a picture
of Max in his glasses?
Just like that?
- [Gilbert]
If you want to, sure.
- Just a minute.
Just one minute.
- Where's your camera?
- [Arlene] I have to find it.
- The camera.
- What kind?
- [Arlene] Alright
Max hold on tight.
- Not literally hold on tight.
- Well I was like this.
- [Arlene] That's good actually.
- Certain things,
not everything.
Certain things, yeah.
(gentle music)
- My sister Arlene was gonna
chronicle my mother's life.
I think it was more my
mother's death in a way.
You know her last years
living by herself,
her last years in a nursing
homes and the hospital.
I wouldn't have touched it.
I think it'd be too weak
or too secretive about it.
- That's how I knew
how to cope with it,
by taking pictures.
It's how I dealt with the pain
and watching her fade away.
You know out of all the
other work that I've done,
it's such an intimate work
and revealing about her
and to show her in
such a vulnerable state
that I was almost, I was afraid.
- He was actually
very good in a way
that we don't really talk
about things like that so much,
but he said something like well,
that's the point of the
photograph, you know.
And I was stunned.
- It's emotional, it was
very emotional for me
to look at the book.
Honestly, honestly,
this is the truth,
there's some picture
of me the day after
my mother passed and I
look at that and I say
that was the saddest
day of my life.
Without question, that was
the saddest day of my life.
- It definitely
brings back memories
and it brings back my father.
I can hear my
father's voice saying
your parents aren't
gonna be around forever.
And as bad as it is
when your father dies
there's something
about your mother dying
that really pulls the
rug out from under you.
- Yeah, yeah I was
definitely a mama's boy.
- Also you know neither
sister ever got married
and they would all meet
up at his mom's house.
She was like the center.
- Yeah, yeah even my
grandmother Van Dyke did.
Yeah at 89 years old.
- How old are you now?
- I just turned 90 last month.
- Oh jeez.
- I don't feel 90, it's funny.
I think it's all in your head.
13 emotionally probably,
but I just don't feel it.
- What I want to know is
when you have a son who's 65
do you still look upon
it as your little boy?
- Oh sure, yeah, to
me they never grew up.
I said you can't be
65 'cause I'm 65.
- Hey can we sing together?
- Yeah.
- 'Cause I have some of
your lyrics written down.
- Lyrics?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Well here.
This is, here, we're both
putting on our glasses.
This is like we're in a home.
Okay, put on a happy face.
- You pick your key.
- You talk about an
untrained singer.
Gray skies are gonna clear up
Put on a happy face
Brush off the
clouds and cheer up
Put on a happy face
And spread sunshine
all over the place
Just put on a happy face
I just sang with Dick Van Dyke.
And I think I came.
(light jazzy music)
See this is a comedy cruise,
so they've handed each one of
us a phony mustache.
A lot of people watch
me and go ooh boy
so you're there, you can take
any movie or TV show you want
and now you've made it and
no, no it could go any second.
You should be a little
more impressed with me.
Have you ever heard
my John MacGuyver?
Everything must be done
according to schedule.
- It's hard making a career
in showbusiness, it's even
harder sustaining it and
comics are people who
for them to be
successful have to go out
and make strangers laugh.
People you don't know laugh.
- I don't wanna say my
wife's cooking is bad,
but how can you burn jello?
Oh that was wonderful, oh,
what a beautiful crowd.
What a wonderful audience.
Years ago you could
have said to me
you're gonna be going on
stage to an audience of
20,000 people and it will be
broadcast all over the earth
and I'd go oh, okay.
A scene from every
1940s murder mystery.
Beats me.
And now when I'm about to
go on there's a part of me
going can I still do this?
I don't know how to do this.
Just once I'd like to
hear a black person say
today I got on the elevator
there was a Jew standing there,
I got so scared.
I didn't even think he
lived in the building.
- I think there's times
Gilbert still enjoys
going up on stage and I
think there's other times
that he's just exhausted
and he's tired of telling
the same jokes over and over.
- Mickey Mouse on acid.
Oh god, I'm freaking out.
Oh god I'm freaking out!
- Uh uphill climb.
- Yeah.
- Right now I'd like
to share a very old
Jewish expression with you.
I'm just doing anything
to avoid my regular act
which I'm so fucking tired of.
Say, I don't like the way
you're talking to her.
Come on, you and me are
gonna have to tango.
And you too.
Go ahead, throw one punch at me.
Come on, I'll put one
arm behind my back
and I'll take on both of you.
And he puts the kid in the sand
and the kid's not breathing
so he's pumping his chest,
lifting his arms up and down
and beating him, no,
he's a little boy,
he wouldn't do that to him
'cause his dick isn't that,
he can't hold on to that.
He would have to beat
him off like that.
And you couldn't
get a firm grip.
Wait a minute!
Come back, this one's clean!
Usually I lose the
crowd quicker than that,
I must be slipping.
- Bingo in a half hour.
You wanna play bingo?
- I dunno.
- Let's exercise, will
you go to the gym with me?
- Who's this guy Jim
you keep talking about?
- I'm serious.
You wanna walk around the track?
- In a second.
- No I thought--
Fuck you.
- Maybe I'll grab a piece
of pastry on the way out.
- You can't just eat
and not exercise.
- Yes you can, look at
everyone else on the boat.
(mellow music)
I'll never get this.
That's it, that's it.
- [Dara] Gilbert and
I have been together
almost 20 years now.
I never met nor will I ever meet
another person like Gilbert.
I know it seems
odd, but it works.
We're like two puzzle
pieces that fit together.
- You'll never believe what
I'm gonna do with this.
This is a comic mind, here.
- [Dara] We dated for 10
years before we got married
and that was not easy.
- Now I got spit on my hair.
- He was so ridden with fear.
He was scared that if he had
a quote unquote traditional
life like a wife and kids
then he wouldn't be who he was.
That he would be
like everyone else.
And I told him, we could
get married and have kids
and it doesn't have to
be anywhere near normal.
I don't even know
what normal is.
(clapping and cheering)
- Gilbert you wanna
see this, our wedding?
- Yeah I saw it, I was there.
- But you wanna
see the pictures?
- I was already there.
- But do you wanna
see the pictures?
- I don't have to
see the pictures.
I was there, I experienced it.
- I think it was hard
at the beginning because
he doesn't really,
you know, open up.
I mean you see, he's
very, he's reserved.
Even like his good friends,
they talk about movies,
they talk about pop culture.
They don't talk about feelings.
First anniversary,
February 3rd 2008.
Dara, warmly thinking of
you and hoping this will be
a happy celebration
of your anniversary.
Happiness always, go
fuck yourself, Gilbert.
I haven't seen these
in a long time.
For you on Valentine's Day.
Dara, go fuck
yourself 500 times.
This comes straight
from the heart.
- Happy but nervous.
He didn't really
talk about it a lot,
he just kinda went
along and went with it.
He doesn't deal
with real moments.
I think he avoids, you know,
and probably uses humor
to mask real emotions.
- When Lily was first born,
and I think maybe when babies
are first born sometimes they
are all pressed together,
their face hasn't developed,
and I remember thinking ooh,
that's really an ugly baby.
That was my first thought.
I thought oh, she's really ugly.
Then within a few days or
so I looked at her and say
oh, she's cute, and then
more and more, I'd think
wow, she's a really pretty girl.
And then I thought in
terms of being a father
where I thought ooh, maybe
it would make me much happier
as a father to be the
father of an ugly girl.
'Cause you know a pretty girl
every guy is gonna be after.
And but then I think, but
then if you have an ugly girl,
maybe the ugly girl
might try to make friends
by fucking more guys.
So you can't win
either way with a girl.
(playful music)
It was kind of like in
Frankenstein where Frankenstein
meets the little girl and
she's throwing her daisies
in the water and it's like.
(crying out)
I think I was Frankenstein
at that point.
(baby talk)
- The way he looked at
the kids, oh my god.
He was so proud and so happy.
And I said look, see, I
mean you were so scared.
Meanwhile it ended
up okay and he's like
such an amazing dad.
Gilbert, are you paying
attention to what she's doing?
- Yes.
- [Dara] Lily,
what are you doing?
- Drawing.
- [Dara] Gilbert did
you have any idea
that this is what she was doing?
- Videos of my act?
- No.
- No.
One time Max was
asking can he come
to one of my shows and Dara
said to him oh, well no you
can't because they don't
allow kids in daddy's shows
and he says a lot of bad words.
And Max goes, "That's
what makes it funny!"
(cheering and applauding)
- Before we get started
let me just say this.
New York is the greatest
city in the world.
(cheering and applauding)
Yeah, that's right.
I'm glad to be here and
I think everybody here
will agree that right
about now we can all use
a good laugh.
Unfortunately though our first
roaster is Rob Schneider.
(gentle music)
- We were roasting Hugh
Hefner just a couple of weeks
after the Twin Towers
were knocked down.
And back then we didn't call
it 9/11, it was just like
a couple of Tuesdays ago.
- It was already a weird
time to be doing this big
comedy event but
especially in New York.
People are kind of walking
around like zombies.
- [Jimmy] The one and
only Gilbert Gottfried.
- Even doing a roast so
soon after was in bad taste.
Someone had to call it out,
someone had to make a joke.
- That's the way my mind works.
I wanted to basically address
the elephant in the room.
I have to catch
a flight to California,
I can't get a direct flight.
They said they had to stop
at the Empire State
Building first.
- Somebody yelled "Too
soon" and Gilbert in his
awkward way sort of vamped
for a second holding on
to the podium, hoping
it was a time machine
that he could just
go back two minutes.
But to his credit,
he just doubled down.
- Okay, a talent agent
is sitting in his office.
A family walks in.
The talent agent goes what
kind of an act do you do?
And he goes, watch.
All of them take
their clothes off.
The father starts
fucking his wife.
The wife starts
jerking off the son.
The son starts going
down on the sister.
The sister starts fingering
the dog's asshole.
Then the son starts
blowing his father.
You want me to start
at the beginning?
I'll wait til you're ready.
- To the delight of the
audience and the admiration
of the comedians, his way
to get out of this huge hole
is to dig an even deeper hole
by telling The Aristocrats
joke and what he essentially
did was I'm gonna dig
til I come up on the
other side of the earth,
that's my way out of this,
and that was amazing to see.
- Now where was I?
Oh yes, the son is licking
out his father's asshole.
(upbeat percussive music)
- The Aristocrats was basically,
is the backroom dirty joke.
You know comics hang
out in the back room
and that's the joke they
tell, it's not meant to be
out there in public
for public consumption.
- The talent agent says,
"What do you call yourselves?"
and they go, "The Aristocrats!"
- I think The Aristocrats
sort of catapulted Gilbert
into a world where blue comedy
was considered artistic.
- Cloris Leachman is so old
that her tits are labeled
whites only and coloreds.
- These roasts became
really popular.
That's what really
brought him to America.
Now everyone knew this Gilbert.
- Her tits are a shameful time
in this country's history.
- What I think is
remarkable about you,
and I don't even know
how you pull this off.
You are probably the filthiest
comic I've ever heard.
- John Stamos walks into a bar.
The bartender says we have
a drink named after you.
John Stamos says, "You have
a drink named secret fag?"
- And yet in the same
career, Disney thinks nothing
of hiring you for cartoons.
- So Mickey, what's
in it for us?
- Oh no, not another lamp.
- In all the different
cartoons you're in,
isn't it always the same voice?
It's always a bird.
- Yeah.
- You mean that pompous
piece of cyber trash?
- Why is that?
Have you been
typecast as a bird?
- [Gilbert] Yes.
- Aflac!
- Do the Aflac,
just do it for us.
- Aflac!
- Yes!
- He loved doing Aflac.
- I wanna return this duck.
- That Aflac job, it's a dream.
It's like what everyone wants.
He can roll out of bed,
go in a booth, Aflac,
and you're paid a
shitload of money.
- I'm always afraid one
day Aflac's gonna wake up
and go we can just get a duck.
Thank goodness I had
that health insurance.
- Really?
What health insurance
did you have?
- Elflac!
- Alright.
- I'm sure this happens to you.
It's like, do you ever like,
in the middle of a show
go what the fuck am
I doing right now?
- All the time.
- Yeah.
It's like sometimes it'll
hit me for a second.
I'll go I'm standing here,
people are looking at me
and I'm acting stupid.
- You know you
wanna just go home.
- [Gilbert] Yeah, yeah.
- But listen, this is how
you chose to make a living.
- [Gilbert] Yeah.
- And now you kinda, there's
nothing to fall back on.
- It's like Hyman
Roth in Godfather.
This is the business
we've chosen.
- Oh, you mean talk
to them regular?
- [Neil] Yeah.
- [Gilbert] No I still feel
uncomfortable with that.
- Yeah.
It's too late for it now.
(gentle music)
- Oh wow.
These are the tweets that
got him fired from Aflac.
I guess I printed them.
We took 'em down,
we deleted them from Twitter
and I guess I found
them somewhere online
and I printed them just to have.
- Japan is really advanced.
They don't go to the beach,
the beach comes to them.
- No.
I was talking to my
Japanese real estate agent.
I said is there a
school in the area?
She said not now but just wait.
What do Japanese
Jews like to eat?
Hebrew National tsunami.
I mean it's so cheesy you know.
He didn't mean anything wrong,
he didn't mean anything bad.
- Good evening, the nation
of Japan has suffered
a colossal, historic earthquake
that has caused massive
damage, massive loss of life.
- [Reporter] Literally
just being washed away.
13 foot tsunami
engulfs that country.
- [Reporter] Farmlands
quickly disappeared,
entire major road,
bridges and homes gone.
- [Reporter] Gilbert Gottfried,
making things even worse
after a string of offensive
tweets regarding the disaster...
- [Reporter] Many were
offended by the tsunami jokes
comedian Gilbert
Gottfried tweeted.
- [Man] I think he went too far,
I thought they were offensive.
- You did.
- Gilbert's career
will not survive this.
- You don't think so?
- Okay let me read you,
let me read you--
- I think it's done.
- A well-known comedian
is no longer the voice
of Aflac's duck today because--
- Gilbert Gottfried
controversy, he made some pretty
tasteless jokes
about the tsunami.
And Aflac stepped in and said
no, not funny, and canned him.
- [Woman] Inappropriate
is one thing but I'm going
when you got lives lost,
to make jokes like this,
it's inappropriate.
- Here's one but I need you
people who are watching this
to understand, this
is not my joke.
- You feel you have to read it?
Maybe it's--
- Well I don't think you'll
understand unless you know.
I think you need to--
- You have to read it.
- You got to read it.
- I just broke up
with my girlfriend
but as the Japanese say
there'll be another one
floating by any minute now.
- Okay that was just one of
them, he said it's like...
- [Man] Gilbert, oh
no, fired, bummer man.
- I remember when it happened
I thought well this is
the entire earth talking
saying they hate me
and they want me dead,
and I remember my agent
saying to me, I got you booked
in some club in so and so.
And like I always ask and I
said how's the pay on this one?
And he goes I don't think you
can ask about the pay anymore.
I think you just take it.
(pensive music)
- You know in my opinion
everything has a context
and too soon, uh, it's
your feeling, you know.
- In this world I think
everything is too soon now.
Like no matter what you say
people have a comment on it
but I think that also for
Gilbert he could have waited,
you know, not to take away
from Gilbert's art, but
he could have probably waited.
- In days gone by when a
comedian got up on stage
you did it and it was
done, it was over,
you didn't have
to worry about it.
And unfortunately the
internet has changed all that.
- If a bunch of us were
sitting around a table
and he told these jokes, we
might say oh that's awful,
but it's funny.
- Right.
- But you don't tweet them.
- It's the fact that
it's in writing I think
is one of the issues, right?
- Right.
- But that's a good
lesson for everybody.
Just be a little more
thoughtful before
you put your tweet out.
You know?
It might be fine.
Just be more
thoughtful, that's all.
- I guess because you put it
out there publicly like that
it's almost like
you're going to church
or you're going over to your
mom's house or something.
I guess you have
to look at it like
you're talking to
everybody now so there's
a new behavior.
Gilbert kinda showed like
is that how Twitter works?
You can get in
trouble like that?
I didn't know.
Somebody had to be the
first to run off the cliff.
- I just felt like shellshocked.
And I remember everybody
was kind of like that
and I remember thinking
like, God, okay,
I've had a nice little
run and now it's gone.
Of course it's a lot worse
when you have a wife and kids.
- [Dara] He cried.
He felt horrible.
He was innocent, he didn't
mean anything wrong.
That was really hard.
- Well yeah, he felt like
he let the whole family...
But no, he really didn't think
he was doing anything wrong.
- Is it appropriate?
Is it hurtful to
a lot of people?
If you take it literally, if
you read the minutes of it.
But if you know Gilbert and
you know the intention of it,
he's thinking I'm
gonna joke about it
'cause it's the only
way I can deal with it.
- What people don't
understand about humor is
it doesn't mean you don't care.
A lot of times what it is,
it's a defense mechanism
'cause you don't
want to see the pain,
you don't want to feel the
pain or you're feeling it
and you need to diffuse it.
So you make a joke.
- He doesn't really
filter himself and I think
that's why people are
drawn to him in this
politically correct
world we live in
to have a loose cannon
running around in the world
is refreshing.
I mean if someone doesn't
say it nobody will.
But why do you hire
him as your spokesduck
if you didn't know what he does?
- The way he deals with
tragedy is through humor.
That's his way of
dealing with bad things.
When my grandmother passed
away and I was so upset,
I said to him I can't
call her, you know,
I used to call her
every single day and now
she's not alive and
I can't call her.
He's like you could call her.
She just won't answer the phone.
And you know what,
it made me laugh.
And you know what, it made
me feel this much better.
It feels good to laugh.
- I think I told you this
before 'cause we haven't met
that many times but I told
you when I got out of college
I was at one of the
comedy clubs, and I think
it's the Improv
but I don't know.
And it was 12 o'clock,
you were the last guy on.
You talked about it before
that you're the okay,
let's put him on at the
end, everything like that.
You were defiant
to the audience.
Nobody was laughing.
And you kept going and it was--
- [Frank] I remember those days.
- Simply the funniest thing
I'd ever seen ever ever.
That's why I can't be a comic.
That's why I can't do standup.
I'm funny, I'll do it, but if
I'm not pleasing the audience
it's me and you are not that.
You're defiant to the world.
It is the greatest gift
you could ever have.
You just, you are true to
yourself so that's why I think,
that's why I admire you,
that's why we all admired
Lenny Bruce--
- Yeah.
- You know it goes way back so.
- Wow, that's as nice
a compliment, wow.
- But it's true, it's true,
and it's why I can't do
the dangerous stuff.
- Now do you have anything--
- She's saying wrap it up.
If you don't listen to what
I guess is the producer
much less your wife--
- [Frank] She is the producer.
- She was saying this
when you walked in.
- Wrap it up.
- Yes!
- Enough, enough with the Jews.
(light jazzy music)
- Oh hi.
- Good to see you man.
- How are you?
- I'm great, how about you?
- Eh.
- Eh, come on, you're good,
you're good, I know you're good.
- (laughing)
- Thank you for
doing this for us.
- Oh sure, no problem.
- Appreciate it very very much.
So you know we're not a
local children's hospital.
- Yeah.
- So we're a pediatric
cancer hospital,
we take kids from all 50
states and foreign countries
and we're gonna be the
hospital where kids get sent
- that can't get treated at
their local children's hospital.
- Yeah.
- And we're a research
hospital so this year
we have to raise about
a billion dollars
just to give you a sense
of what we're doing here.
- A year.
- Yes ma'am.
- I'll see when I'm up there.
- I know I know.
- That's easy for you to say.
- I know.
- Our St. Jude journey
started in 2002
when my youngest daughter
Jordan was just 15 months old.
As parents we noticed that
something wasn't right
with Jordan.
She was lethargic,
slept more than normal,
and she bruised really easily.
After repeated visits
to her pediatrician,
we received a call
one evening asking us
to bring Jordan to
the emergency room.
- There were a few
speeches that were,
it almost made me feel human.
- After several hours of tests,
the head oncologist
came into our room,
stood at the foot
of Jordan's bed,
and said I'm so sorry,
your daughter has cancer.
She has leukemia.
I asked the team is there
any place on this planet
that we could bring Jordan
to give her a chance at life?
(pensive music)
The answer was no.
And her mom asked the one
question you never wanna ask.
How long?
- Hi.
- [Nurse] We're just waiting
for all your blood work
to come back, it's
not all back yet.
- Okay, thanks.
- Alright.
- [Nurse] Nice big deep breath.
And again.
- It's tough to go
to the clinic there.
And my sister's there,
they'll put whatever tubes
they put in her and
it's difficult to
witness all of that.
- I was diagnosed
in April of '09.
I have stage four breast cancer.
And it's very, I get
very fatigued and
I'm very frightened.
- From the time that
we stepped on the plane
to when we walked onto
the campus of St. Jude,
we knew we were exactly
where we should be.
We asked Dr. Leung, as
Jordan's parents how could we
help along this journey?
He thought for a moment
and said, "I want you
"to do three things.
"I want you to envision
Jordan with hair.
"I want you to envision Jordan
flying home cancer free.
"And I want you to
envision Jordan growing
"with her own family.
"Don't ever lose sight of that.
"I will take care
of the cancer."
- The speeches were
heartbreaking and
really is death for me.
This I've got no chance in
hell of this being anything
but a disaster.
(cheering and applauding)
Oh thank you.
Thank you, thank you...
- If I were here alone today
I'd be in a terrible mood.
He makes me laugh.
("Somebody to Watch
Over Me" instrumental
by George Gershwin)
Then he makes fun of me too.
- [Neil] You do?
- A man comes home from work.
He goes honey, honey, I just
won the $500 million lottery,
start packing!
She goes, what should I pack?
He goes, I don't care, just
pack and get the fuck out!
A Jewish woman,
an Italian woman,
and a Polish woman are all...
I remember looking at
the faces in particular
when I saw people
laughing and applauding
and I saw the guy whose
daughter had cancer
and it looked like his
face lit up and I thought
that was an amazing moment
when I'm up there
doing dick jokes.
A little boy walks in when
his mother's in the shower
and he points down,
he goes, what's that?
She goes oh, um, well your
father and I had an argument
yesterday and he
hit me with an ax.
And the little boy goes wow,
he hit you right in the cunt.
I think they want
something to laugh at.
Wherever tragedy is, comedy
is looking over his shoulder
sticking his tongue out.
You know it could be
totally poor taste,
totally filthy, which
I specialize in.
- It's definitely a gift.
It's a gift to turn
life's anxiety and doubt
into something
funny, into humor.
- I've been to a bunch of
these and I think the happiest
day for everybody will be
when St. Jude's hospital
closes up because
there's no more business.
(cheering and applauding)
Thank you.
- Yeah, I got a
standing ovation.
Granted they were standing
and leaving but still,
I got a standing ovation.
So it still counts.
- [Arlene] There's the 11.
Alright thanks, I'll see
you tomorrow I guess.
- I think that Gilbert in
the grand scheme of things
I would think of him as the
ultimate comedian's comedian.
You know every comic loves him.
Has a deep abiding love for
him and that is very rare.
Comics love to hate their
own but Gilbert I think
escapes all of that.
Even the guys like George Burns,
people hated George Burns.
Guys like, oh,
who's the other one?
The guy with the huge dick.
- [Neil] Oh, Milton Berle?
- Yeah Milton Berle.
There are way more stories of
people who hated Milton Berle
than anything else.
I don't think you'll
ever find a story
about someone who hates Gilbert
and that in this business,
that's a unicorn.
- There's always
gonna be a demand.
People love seeing him,
his shows are packed.
He sells out, he's hilarious.
- He's brutal, he's vicious,
there's no one better at it
than him.
Really, honestly.
- A little boy comes
home from school.
He goes dad, dad, I got
my first blowjob today.
The father goes that's
great, how was it?
He goes, tasted awful.
- The fact that he still
does it gives the rest of us
something to shoot for I think.
It's like you know you can't
pull back if Gilbert doesn't.
- 'Cause he had
cum in his mouth.
He had cum in his mouth.
See he was a little
boy with cum.
Picture a little boy
with a mouthful of--
- I think there has been
nobody that's been more
true to themselves in what they
do and what their belief is
than Gilbert.
I love that he hasn't
kowtowed to the man.
You know, he just
does what he does
and he's taken all
the slings and arrows
along with all the
gifts and rewards.
- I actually believe the
best years for Gilbert
are ahead of him, but
I'm just looking forward
to watching their kids
grow up and find out
what their father's like.
- Some of us have been
fortunate in our lives
to team up with someone
romantically who saves our life.
And I don't think it's
much of an exaggeration
to say that Dara
saved Gilbert's life.
- The fact that he made
that work and I can't,
it makes me want to leap off
of the fucking
Chrysler Building.
How did he do that?
But god bless him.
- Years ago you could have
said to me the minute I agree
to do some comedy club,
that's when Steven Spielberg
would call me to star
in his next movie.
He never did, but it's
like I would get offers
that I couldn't do
then and now with kids
I'm missing a lot of
stuff that I should be at.
- I went to the Museum
of Natural History.
- Oh my god yes yes!
- And I saw the tallest
dinosaur in the world.
- When I get back to New
York we'll have to go again
'cause I wanna see that.
I guess I'd like to do
less road but I don't see
that day coming too soon.
I mean I guess you
always have to do.
You have to dance with
the date who brought ya.
(gentle music)
This is a fantasy
I have in my mind.
I wish that I could bring my
mother and father back to life
for just like a couple
of minutes and go okay
I just finished this
movie with so and so,
I'm on this TV show, here
you can watch me walk down
any block and people
are coming up, they want
their picture taken with me.
To be able to bring them back
for just like short moments
to say to them well
I've got two children
that I named after
the two of you.
And that I've got a wife
who's madly in love with me.
You know my parents
would be amazed.
- Happy birthday, I love you.
- That's your problem.
- I love you.
(jazzy music)
- Now I remembered
a bit I used to do.
You know John F. Kennedy died,
he was assassinated tragically
but if John F. Kennedy
was alive today and he
was getting a blow job,
it might go something like this.
You know, Martin Luther King.
- Oh you want a bigger one?
- Oh yeah, my whole life.
I think I've had
two colonoscopies.
He said you can come
back in 10 years
and because you know
according to this doctor
you could eat lunch out of
my asshole, that's how clean.
- [Dara] That's
really disgusting.
- Gottfried baby boy,
nine pounds, 23 inches.
I wish I was 23 inches now.
Get it?
When you go into my
asshole to have lunch,
there's a French maitre'd
who brings you in.
- Gilbert I'm gonna
embarrass you for a minute.
I just wanna let Brian here
know that Gilbert performed
tonight 100% free of charge
for people like your daughter.
- Oh shit!
- Part you must
keep it straight.
- Yeah.
- Tight your butt.
(blowing conch)
- Let me tighten my ass.
- Almost, tight it more!
- Can't get my ass tight enough.
It's also how
unrealistic I am that...
Thank you.
How totally unrealistic I am...
See other performers are
wasting time getting pussy
after the show.
Not me.
I'm wrapping up
these donuts to go.
- Gilbert said himself
that he's a homosexual.
- [Arlene] He never...
- And for the record going back
to the dining in my asshole
part just so I can
throw in a reference
that no one will know, the
maitre'd will be played
by Fritz Feld.