The Girl Next Door (2004) Movie Script
How do you want me?
Oh, that's good. Yeah, just....|Just get comfortable.
I'm a little nervous.
You're doing great.
A little to the right there,|gorgeous.
-Okay. Like this?|-Oh, that a girl.
Yeah. Okay.
-You ready?|-Yeah.
-You're blushing, Dorothy.|-Don't blush, Kathy.
Oh, Kathy.
Okay, and big smile.
Kathy Regan.
I will always remember...
...the game against Fairfield.
That one final kick.
State champion, senior year.
Hunter McCaffrey.
I will always remember...
...all the great times|with the dirty dozen...
...and macking all|the honeys.
Cindy K. Tina B.
Michelle H. Goddamn!
Just too many to remember.
I'll always remember|lacrosse champions.
All the glory days with|the boys.
I will always remember...
...the math-club madmen...
...making the perfect|fake ID's...
...which lasted six seconds
-Troy Cochran.|-Troy Cochran.
-Troy gives good head.|-Fuck you!
I'll always remember...
Seniors!
...the senior prank.
Matthew Kidman.|I will always remember....
YEARBOOK MEMORIES FORM|SENIORS ONLY!
NAME: MATTHEW KIDMAN|I'll always remember...
Yeah, well, I told you|I wanted to try out.
We'd like to honor|a student...
...who has shown outstanding|leadership.
We have no doubt that|he will be one...
...of the great politicians|in Washington.
Georgetown|UNIVERSITY
The award for|the brightest leader...
...of tomorrow,|Matthew Kidman.
-I'm in! I'm in!|-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Georgetown!|They gave it to you!
Hey, Jenny.
Yeah, dude, come on.
SENIOR PROM|DO YOU HAVE THE FEVER?
-Do you have the fever?|-No.
Why? Do you?
I don't know. Maybe.
How about you?
I just gotta fuck something.
I said, everybody say, "Ho!"
You know what I say?
I say, this prom is gonna be|off the hook! Do you feel me?
Security's gonna be tight.|Get wasted before you show up.
That's enough!
That's enough. I can wait.
I can wait, people.
Now, it is your|student-council president...
...who has a few announcements|to make.
Thanks, Mr. Salinger.
All right, how you doing?
Okay, let's start off|with Operation Get Samnang.
Sam Young, baby!
Yeah.
Well, we did it.|We raised the 25,000 dollars...
...so now we can bring the genius|Samnang out of Cambodia...
...and bring him here|to study at Westport.
Speaking of which,|Samnang sent us a new tape.
Show that shit!
Show it!
Hi, everyone, it's Samnang.
Sam Young!
I am very excited to be|coming soon. Are you excited?
I told my class that I am coming|to America. They were sad.
I am so happy.
-I wanna bang you!|-Go, Cougars!
How do they just skip class|every day and go to the beach?
Because they just don't care.
Let's go with them.
-Seriously, let's just do it.|-Why?
Because, I mean,|we never do anything.
I mean, we're graduating. We|should be going nuts right now.
Let's just do something.
I am doing something,|I'm going to class.
Klitz, you already got|into Yale.
I mean, it doesn't|matter anymore.
Yeah, Klitz, you pussy.
-Well, why don't you go?|-Yeah, come on. Let's go.
Beach is for fags, man.
-The beach is for fags?|-Yeah.
You know what?|You guys are fags.
Everyone to the beach!
Let's go! Lock them|and load them, dude.
WESTPORT HIGH SCHOOL
Fuck it.
SCHOOL|SECURITY
Personal power means|the ability to act...
...the ability to take action.
STOP|CHECK-OUT WITH SECURITY
Three steps to personal power|are necessary for results.
Here's number one step|to personal power.
It's called energy.|Energy.
When you wake up feeling|really lethargic, really lousy...
...do you usually|jump up and go--?
Oh, shit.
Hey! Pull it over!
Pull it over! Pull--
Oh, well, you're home early.
I postponed yearbook.|I gotta work on my speech
-Hi, Mr. Peterson.|-Mr. President.
-Mrs. Peterson.|-Congratulations.
-Oh, thank you.|-Congratulations. Georgetown.
Wow, you must be flying.
It's cool.
What's the speech|you're working on?
Oh, it's for this scholarship|I need to get so I can...
...actually go to Georgetown.
It's pretty expensive.
What kind of scholarship|is it?
What do they give it for?
It's for the student who best|demonstrates moral fiber.
Oh, moral fiber. Well, that's--
-Oh, I'm sure you'll get it.|-Thanks. I mean, I hope so.
I mean, there's some stiff|Competition...
...and they only pick|one of us...
...so I'll just have to blow|them away with my speech.
Okay, so why do I deserve|this scholarship?
1 . MAKE EYE CONTACT|2. BE CHARMING 3. JFK!
...can do for you|but what you can do...."
John F. Kennedy once said,|"Ask not what
Look, I don't know|who she is.
I'm just saying that|this girl was unbelievable.
I mean, she was|like this angel.
I mean, she had this smile.|I mean, you should have seen it.
-So did you bang her?|-Oh, yeah, yeah. I banged her.
That's what a man does,|okay?
-Yeah. Okay, Eli.|-Good.
Oh, my God. She's so hot.
-What channel, dude?|-No, the girl next door.
I can see her through|my window.
How's the rack?
-God, who is this girl?|-How's the rack?
-Hold on. Relax.|-No. You relax.
Be a man and go over there.
Okay. Say what?
I don't know. Get off your|ass and do something. Fuck!
-Hey, what are you doing?|-What?
Hey, dude, seriously,|I told you...
...it really freaks me out|when you watch that while...
...you're talking to me.
Just learn to like it.
Oh, my God.
What? Matt, what?
Matt!
Dude, what the fuck?
Shit!
-Yes?|-I'm sorry.
-Dan.|-What's going on?
Matthew!
Matthew, come down here.
-What are you doing up there?|-Nothing.
Come down here.
This is Danielle.
You know Mrs. Clark from|next door. Danielle's her niece.
Danielle just told us|something very interesting.
Mrs. Clark is in Africa for|two weeks with her church group.
Did you know that?
Anyway, Danielle just came|in from Los Angeles...
...and she's housesitting|while her aunt's away.
Why don't you show|her around.
Such a long road, you know.
-What are we doing?|-Did you like what you saw?
What are you talking about?
Okay, I saw you for,|like, an instant.
-An instant?|-Yeah.
It was no big deal.
No, no, it was-- It was a|big deal, but it's just that....
I didn't....
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
So, what are we gonna|do about this?
I mean, I said I was sorry.
What?
You saw me....
Yeah, right, like I'm gonna|strip right here?
Are you serious?
No.
No. No, never gonna happen.
The whole package.
No, come on,|this is good enough.
Jesus! Come on,|will you relax?
Frigging psycho.
There. You happy now?
Yep.
Hey! Wait!
No!
Jesus. Sorry.
You're an asshole.|It's not funny.
It's a little funny.
Come on.
Let me in. Let me in.
It's not funny.
It's a little funny.
So, what else do you do|besides torture people?
-Seriously, what's your story?|-I don't know.
I kind of just quit my job.
I want to start over.|Maybe go to college.
So are you here|alone or what?
-What?|-Just ask.
Do you have a boyfriend?
No.
Aren't you gonna ask me|if I have a girlfriend?
No.01:18:45.04\01:18:46.13|Okay.
So you're about to graduate.|You must be going nuts right now.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just been|off the hook, you know?
-Really?|-Yeah.
So, what's the craziest thing|you've done lately?
Oh, I mean, it's hard to tell,|you know, because we--
I've just done so much|nuts stuff. I mean....
It's just off the hook,|off the walls. I mean....
You haven't done anything,|have you?
No.
It's kind of-- It's kind|of been my problem lately.
Come on, there's gotta|be something.
What about your girlfriend?
Okay.
We can figure this out.|You just need a girl.
What kind of girl?
Definitely someone cute.
Definitely.
Someone who can make|him laugh.
But he also needs someone|who's gonna push him.
Someone who's gonna|make him do...
...things he never thought|he could do.
Like stripping|in the middle of the street?
-Well, thanks for the ride.|-No problem.
Well...
...good night.
Good night.
"Good night"?|What are you, gay?
-I would have nailed her.|-Ok, you wouldn't have nailed her.
-Whatever, dude.|-And, you know, secondly...
...you know,|the vibe was not right.
The vibe wasn't right? She comes|to your house and makes you strip.
What does she have to do,|sit on your face?
Come on, bitch.
-Damn. Should have kissed her.|-Are you okay? Dude?
All right, you all have|this graph, correct?
Good. Let's move along then.
Now, it's a very simple|equation here.
Somebody give me|the answer to this.
All right, if no one knows|the answer to this....
Looking at this calculation,|what does this make us think of?
Questions on this?
Good news, ladies and gentlemen.|Pop-quiz time.
That's Samnang Sok.|He's this complete genius.
So we raised all|this money for him...
...to come here and|study at our school.
-Who's "we"?|-Well, I mean, I did...
...but he could be|the next Einstein, you know.
You know,|he could cure cancer.
Let's go.
So, what do you wanna do?
What?
I'm not stripping again.
Come on.
Danielle!
Come on.|Where are you going?
Hey, come on,|let's get out of here.
How do you know|no one's home?
-I don't.|-Come on.
Seriously, this is nuts.
Oh, boxers.
I always wear boxers. You just|caught me on a weird day.
So, what's the craziest thing|you've done lately?
This is right up there.
Oh, my God.
-That's Mr. Salinger.|-Who?
That's my principal.|Seriously, let's go.
-It's not funny.|-It's a little funny.
Hey.
Just go with it.
Dude, I'm kind of uncomfortable|watching this with you.
Dude, learn to like it.
I'm all wet. Can I come in?
Hey, guys. This is Danielle.
You must be Eli. And Klitz.|Right.
Hey, come on,|we're all going out.
-Can I use your bathroom first?|-Oh, it's over here to the left.
-Dude.|-I know.
Dude.
I know.
-Dude, what are we doing here?|-Yeah, I know.
Guys, seriously, it's gonna get...
...broken up, like,|any second now, right?
Guys?
-Get the fuck out of here!|-Sorry.
Go.
-So, what do you wanna do?|-Let's just chill.
Hi, guys.
-Is this your party?|-No, it's a friend of mine's.
-I'm Hunter.|-Danielle.
This is Matthew.
-Hey, Matt, what's up?|-What's up?
Can I get you something|to drink?
-Yeah.|-Hey, man, what's up?
-Can you come here for a second?|-Yeah.
No, it's cool. They're pals.
What's up?
Yeah, man, this party's|getting kind of full, bro.
-Yeah, so?|-So you're gonna have to take off.
-Really?|-Yeah.
Okay, but I'm with her.|I mean--
Oh, it's cool, dude.|She's taken care of.
There's the door.
Yo, man!
When's Samsung getting here?
-Samnang.|-Yeah!
I love him.
Dude, I'm gonna do that little|guy when he gets here.
Hard.
Cool, dude.|I'm sure he'll like that.
Sam Young!
Excuse me.
-Dude.|-I know.
-What?|-You're coming with me. Right now.
Everybody out. Let's move.
I said out, minions! Move! Move!|Faster, you little maggots.
-So how's everything going?|-Fine.
Is everything, you know,|okay at home?
All right, what?
Perhaps you should have a seat.
Perhaps you should bite me.
Perhaps.
Matthew...
...we live in a crazy,|mixed-up world.
Crazy, but, oh, so beautiful.
Excellent, grasshopper.
And now for the final task|of your training.
You're gonna need a harder piece|of wood than that, cowboy.
-That's not her.|-Yeah, it is.
-Oh, no.|-Oh, yeah.
Matt! Matt! Dude, you're|missing the best part.
Fuck! Fuck!
Settle down, tiger.|I know. I know.
It's not funny.|Seriously, get away from me.
-Dude, don't mess this up.|-Mess what up?
Matt, she's a porn star,|okay?
Take her to a motel room|and bang her like a beast.
Eli, I like this girl.
And you can still like her|with your penis inside her.
I'm telling you,|you're gonna regret this.
What would JFK do?|You know he'd tap that ass.
Eli, I'm never gonna|see her again.
Oh, you know what? Fine.
-Fine.|-Fine!
Goddamn it, Matt.
I swear to God, if you don't|fuck her, I'll kill myself!
Matt, please. Please, Matt.|Fuck her for me. For me!
-Oh, Marci, you're so funny.|-Oh, thanks.
-I just saw you naked.|-What?
Don't worry, honey,|you were only 2 days old.
-Let's see what else we have.|-Why are you here?
I just came here to say hi.
Hi.
Look at this one of him.
Hey, buddy.
-That one's the best.|-It is. He looks so adorable.
He looks really--|Oh, that's such a good one.
-Here you go, Danielle.|-Oh, thanks.
-Thattagirl.|-This is a cute one.
Oh, who's your daddy?
So you were going to school|in Los Angeles?
For a while. But then I started|working on other things.
Oh, what kind of things?
Let me show you.
Jesus!
-Are you okay?|-Yeah, I don't know, I....
I don't feel so good.
What can I do to make you|feel better?
I think I'm feeling|a lot better now.
-We can go out another night.|-No, we're going out tonight.
-You sure?|-Positive.
-I don't know if I can do this.|-Yes, you can.
But tonight, be the man.
First off, act like|you don't even like her.
-Hey.|-Hey.
Second, get her drunk.|Really drunk, okay?
That way the true porn star|will come out in her.
Here, I... I got us something.
Bourbon?
-Are you trying to get me drunk?|-No, what?
-I thought you like to rock.|-"Like to rock?"
Last and most important...
...always be touching her,|Matt.
That tells her you came here|to get down tonight.
What are we doing?
Just chilling.
Hey, look.
MOTEL|Glen Capri
Maybe we should get a room.
Okay.
Here it is.
This is-- This is really nice.
TV.
Air conditioner.
Got a little lamp there.
Is that Monet?
What?
-What are you thinking?|-What are you thinking?
I don't know.
Do you wanna fuck me?
Come here.
How do you want me?
Why are you doing this?
What?
This.
Isn't this what you want?
To fuck a porn star|in a cheap motel room?
So this is what|you think of me.
-Danielle, wait. I'm sorry.|-Let me guess.
You saw a tape,|and you thought:
"What the hell?|She does it for a living, right?"
-Eli told me to do it.|-Oh, now that's a mature response.
-Why didn't you just tell me?|-Because I didn't want to, okay?
Because I loved the way|you looked at me.
God, do you have|any idea how--?
Forget it.
-Hold on.|-Fuck you.
ONLY 9 DAYS LEFT!|SAMNANG
You're done.
WHY DO I DESERVE|THIS SCHOLARSHIP?
Look, I'm an idiot, okay?|I saw the tape, and I freaked out.
Hi. I'm coming in.|Can I come in?
Look, I've just|been crazy lately.
I mean, the whole scholarship|thing, you know, I mean....
It's killing me, you know?
But I'm not even|thinking about that.
The only thing I care about|is you, you know?
All I want is just for us|to go back to normal again.
It's a real nice place|you got here, D.
I...
Can we...
-...talk about this later?|-Yeah.
Sure.
I like that.
-What?|-What you said in there.
Thanks.
Kelly.
Matthew.
-So you're friends with D, huh?|-Yeah.
Well, we're-|We're kind of going out.
Look at you.|You are a forest fire.
-Are we going?|-Yeah.
You coming with us?
-Where are you going?|-Can't. He's got school tomorrow.
No, no, I'm cool.|Like, where are we going?
Hey, there.|What can I get for you?
We'll get two Scotch|rocks and....
Make it three. Actually, I'll|have a Long lsland iced tea.
So, what grade are|you in, man?
I'm a senior.|But I'm about to graduate.
Congratulations. What's next?
Georgetown, hopefully.
-Matthew wants to be president.|-Really?
-That's great, man.|-Yeah.
How do you|two know each other?
How do we know each other?
-We used to work together.|-So you're, like, an actor?
No. Strictly producer.
But D and I also used to go out.|Excuse me a sec.
So you guys went out?
Thank you.
Look, can we just talk?
Talk.
I don't know if this|is really the place.
-Why? What's wrong with it?|-No, nothing. It's fine, you know.
It's one of my favorites.
Hey, you got one for me?
-What are you doing?|-What?
Here.
And you turn it like so:
-Hey, where are you going?|-The bathroom. Is that okay?
Yeah.
So you're really into her,|huh?
Hey. I get it, man, believe me.|She's gorgeous.
I just think you'd want|someone more your age.
-She's my age.|-Yeah, I meant experience-wise.
No offense.
Don't worry about it.|I'm gonna take care of you.
Oh, my God.|That's Mr. Peterson.
That's my dad's|friend.
He comes over all|the time with his wife.
Really?
Hey, Peterson.
What? Dude,|what are you doing, man?
Yeah, you. Get over here.
Goddamn, Peterson, haven't|seen your black ass in ages.
-Do I know you?|-What the fuck's your problem?
-I....|-Just fucking with you, man.
Hey, you know my friend|Matty here, right?
-Matthew. Hi.|-Peterson, this is Matty's first time.
Why don't you buy him a dance.
So did you hear about|that scholarship yet?
No, big dinner's on Thursday.
So, what's it for again?
The scholarship.
It's for...
...moral fiber.
Me? A Teenage Daddy?
Who is this guy?|Is he a porn producer?
Klitz, shut up.|Now, the strippers.
When you get a lap dance, were they|cool with you grabbing their ass?
Dude. I'm trying to talk|about Danielle here.
Fine. Selfish bitch.
For teenagers, sexual intercourse|can be dangerous.
Jesus, what hack made this?
I could make a better sex-ed|film with my mom.
Why don't they update this thing?
Special events,|such as your senior prom...
...place added pressure on young|teens to lose their virginity...
...and also engage|in unprotected sex.
9 months later...
-Hello?|-Hey, Bob.
We're all going|to the creek tonight.
It's gonna be a gas.|You're coming, right?
I can't, guys.
I have a baby now.
Because of prom.
Dude.
-What?|-Yeah, right.
-You guys ever thought about it?|-No.
I just think you guys|would be really hot.
-You girls are 18, right?|-I am.
-I will be in a month.|-Really?
-You ever been photographed?|-A couple of times.
Hey, you guys know Matty?
I hung with him last night.|Guy's the tits.
Here's my man.
-How you doing?|-What's up, fellas?
Matty, you didn't tell me|you got some serious burners...
...at your school here.
Oh, shut up.|You did not say that
Hey, you know who's got|the killer bud?
This fucker right here.
-What are you talking about?|-Yeah, come on.
Yeah, you have some?
Yeah, come on.
-Holy shit.|-You guys should party.
-Can I--?|-All right, we're out.
-Hold on a sec.|-Where are you guys going?
-We got things to do.|-Do you wanna hang out?
-Hop in, fellas.|-Aren't you gonna photograph us?
Always leave|them wanting more.
Punch it!
Man, there is|some talent here.
You get those girls together|with those ass-bags there...
...shoot them humping at,|like, a football...
...game or at a prom,|that video would sell.
Fuck, I'm good!
How do I get these ideas?|It's like a gift, you know?
It's like I can't control it.
So, what are we doing, man?
You know, you really didn't|have to come with me.
It's cool.|I like running errands.
So you raised 25 G's just|to bring this Chinese guy over.
No, he's Cambodian.
Okay, so that's 25,000|total deposited...
...into the Operation|Get Samnang account.
Hey, so you raised|all the money you needed.
-Congratulations.|-Thanks.
So is this Samnang|really as smart as they say?
Well, he did teach himself|calculus without even using...
..his textbooks, so....
Those crazy little fuckers, man.|They sure know their numbers.
Jeannie, this is my--|This is my student advisor.
They really compliment|your coloring.
Oh, you're Mr. Salinger?
Just here to make sure|everything's up to par. Wow.
-What?|-I love those earrings.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks. I just got back|from Cabo.
-Did you?|-Yeah.
Okay, well, we gotta go.|Thanks, Jeannie.
Man, what were you doing--?
There's a bar,|you sit with the people.
You have been there.
-See? I knew it.|-No, no.
-This guy is unbelievable.|-You.
-Where you guys going?|-Vegas, baby.
We got the convention. Gotta press|the flesh, meet the fans.
So that's it?|You're just going back?
I don't belong here.
What do you--? What do you mean?|What about starting over?
This is what I am.
All right, D, let's roll.
-Dude, it's not your fault.|-No, it is my fault.
If I hadn't been such a dick and|taken her to that motel room....
Yeah, it was a little forward,|don't you think?
-Dude.|-What?
Matt, the point is,|she made her decision.
There's nothing|you can do about it now.
Yeah, there is.
-Hey, Dad?|-Don't wait up.
-I'll be late tonight.|-I'll watch it tomorrow.
-Shark Week is all week long.|-God, I just wanna bang hot chicks.
LAS VEGAS WELCOMES|THE ADULT FILM CONVENTION
-Move it.|-Sorry.
Big smile.
-Sasha!|-Sasha!
-Yo, man, no press.|-No, no. No, I'm not press.
I'm still in high school,|okay?
This is for my high school|video yearbook.
I swear to God.
That's right, bitch.
Jesus, is that her?
Athena.
Give me a second, guys.
-Athena!|-Athena!
-Danielle.|-Athena! Athena!
-Danielle.|-Come on! Athena, right here!
-Work it, Athena.|-You are so hot, Athena.
-Look, I'm sorry. I had to come.|-Asshole, I'm next.
-I feel like this is all my fault.|-Who is this guy?
-Will you at least look at me?|-Bend over.
You're the best thing that|ever happened to me, okay?
-Me too!|-Oh, Danielle.
He's so sweet.
Danielle.
Nice job, dickwad.
-Danielle.|-Hey, man, get me out of this thing.
-Take me with you, dude.|-Danielle.
Just leave me alone, please.
Danielle.
-Danielle, Danielle.|-Hugo, hi.
Look at you.|You look fantastic.
Just starting out,|and everyone knows your name.
No, they don't.
-So how's Kelly treating you?|-Okay.
Just okay?
Danielle, what do we know?
What do we know? We know|that you should be with me.
At the top.|Where the air is crisp.
-Nice tan.|-Kelly.
-What do we say?|-Fuck you.
Always with the big words.
Danielle,|where the air is crisp.
-What does that mean?|-Nothing. He's just being Hugo.
Matty. What are you doing here?
Look, Kelly, no offense, but I|really don't think Danielle...
...wants to be here right now.
Matthew, please just go home,|okay?
Hey, D.
I'm sorry, man. Come on.|Let's get out of here.
What's up?
It's not cute anymore.
-What?|-Stop filling her head with that--
-Do not piss me off.|-Hey, I thought we were friends.
Friends don't fuck|with each other's business.
And that's what this is,|my fucking business.
What?
What are you gonna do?
Yeah, that's what I thought.|Stay the fuck away from her.
Matt, seriously, man,|it's 2:00 in the morning.
What about your thing tomorrow?|Okay, the scholarship dinner?
Sorry, I gotta do this.
Oh, by the way, if things get|bad, just bolt, okay?
What? What do you mean,|"if things get bad"?
Just bolt.
Wait, what's he|talking about?
You wanna get me a drink?|No, I'm just kidding.
Hi.
Dude...
...am I ugly?
What? No. No, man,|you're fine. Just relax.
No, I'm ugly. I know it.
-So, what do you guys do?|-I get freaky.
-We're directors.|-Really?
Would you guys ever wanna|use me in one of your movies?
Hell, yeah, we'll use you.
Baby, I'll do things to you|I wouldn't do to a farm animal.
-What the fuck did you just say?|-Honey. These guys are directors.
-And they wanna use me.|-Use you?
Guys, this is my boyfriend,|Mule.
Hi, Mule.
Let's do it.
Man, you gotta use my girl, bro.|She's so good.
I am. I really am.
-You wanna give her a throw?|-Yeah, try me out.
No, you know, no, I'm okay,|though, thank you.
Well, come on.|At least feel her tits.
I'm okay. I can't.|Thank you, though.
Fuck it. I'll feel one.
We're all set for tomorrow.
Athena will be there,|ready to shoot. Right, babe?
Not bad, huh?|Suckers cost me 6 grand.
Yo, Mule, what the hell|are you doing?
Steel, check it out, man.|These guys are directors.
Man, these punks ain't|directors.
They're in high school,|you idiot.
Okay, here's the thing--
Oh, shit!
-Come on, Klitz, come on.|-Get off.
Matty, time to go, time to go.|Time to go.
-What happened?|-It got bad. Bolt. Bolt!
-Dude, wait up.|-Fuck you, dude!
Excuse me.
I just wanna let you know,|I know who you really are.
And you're better than this.
IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM....
Yeah?
Need a ride to school?
It's all you now. I mean,|now you can do whatever you want.
Why do you believe|in me so much?
I don't know. Maybe I'm stupid.
-Good luck tonight.|-Thanks.
-Bye.|-Bye.
Will you go to prom with me?
What?
I would love to.
Now for the scientific|explanation. Anybody?
JOHN F. KENNEDY once said:|ASK NOT....
That's your speech?
Yeah.
You ready for tonight?
Hey, don't worry, man.|You're gonna be great.
I have to be.
That bitch can't just|run away because...
...she don't wanna fuck|on film anymore.
May I help you?
-Get up.|-Okay, okay.
Stay in school.
Look, I have the most important|dinner of my life tonight...
...so wherever we're going,|you know...
...we just have to be|home by 6.
Just so you know.
Here he comes.
-It's a cool ride, huh?|-Yeah, if you're a fag.
-Jesus!|-It's cool, it's cool.
Get in.
-Where are we going?|-I thought you were cool, man.
I tried to be your friend,|and what do you do?
-You fuck me.|-I didn't fuck you.
She didn't show up on set|because of what you said.
Now I'm out 30 grand.
-Guess who's paying me back.|-What? I don't have 30 grand.
-Get your folks to help.|-They don't have that kind of money.
Look, Kelly, I'm a problem solver,|all right? This is what I do. Okay?
Let's just-- Let's just think|outside of the box here.
Look, she'll get a job,|I'll keep mowing...
...lawns, and over time|we'll pay it down.
You know? This can work.|We can do this.
It'll be like a payment plan.
-You really care about her, huh?|-Yeah, I really do.
Yeah, I don't know. If I'm gonna|do this payment-plan thing...
...I need a show of good faith,|you know?
-Something concrete.|-Well, like what?
A blowjob.
No. I told you she's not gonna|do that anymore.
Who said anything about her?
Yeah, we're definitely|outside the box now, huh?
Now, you gotta ask yourself,|how far are you willing to go?
How much do you|really care about her?
I'm joking, man.
Relax.
-Damn. Do I look gay to you?|-No, but, Jesus--
You wanna be president?
Let me tell you the first|rule of politics:
Always know if the juice|is worth the squeeze.
You know what that means?|It means you don't steal my girl...
...unless you're ready|to accept the consequences.
All right, I'm sorry, okay?
That's gonna swell up like|a bitch. Here, take this.
I'm telling you,|it's gonna hurt like shit.
I'm sorry I got upset.|I felt taken advantage of.
Look, I'm not gonna be a dick.|I know she loves you.
I'm gonna leave you guys alone.
But now you're doing|something for me.
Remember that ass-bag, Hugo,|from the convention?
We used to be partners|a long time ago.
One day, I had this killer|idea to make films set...
...in real-life situations.
You know, Real World porn.
I told the idea to Hugo.|He says he'll think about it.
And what does|that motherfucker do?
Takes my best girl, starts|his own company with my idea...
...and the guy makes millions.
It's not the money|that pisses me off.
I mean, fuck,|it does piss me off...
...but that's not it.|It's the perception.
Everybody thinks Hugo's|the genius. It was my idea.
It's like he's Simon,|and I'm Garfunkel.
Look at me, man.|I'm fucking Garfunkel.
-Look, seriously, I can't do this.|-Don't be a pussy. Nobody's home.
-Why do you want this thing so bad?|-Because it should've been mine.
-I'll grab it and leave.|-You don't understand...
...l have to be at|a dinner in an hour.
My whole life depends on it.
You want me out|of Danielle's life?
Yes, I do.
-Then let's go.|-But wait, seriously.
Sometimes, if you wanna do|something good...
...you gotta do|something bad.
Yeah, but this is breaking|and entering.
This is politics.
Hey.
After this, we're cool, okay?
You're all right, man.
Yes.
I'd like to report a robbery.
AVN BEST PICTURE 1999|"CHITTY CHITTY GANG BANG"
HUGO POSH PRODUCER
Bang me.
Cradle the balls.
Stop! Stop! Help me!
Help! Oh, fuck!
Wait!
Come on!
Okay, so what time|does the dinner start?
Six o'clock.
-Why? What time is it now?|-6:30.
-Oh, my God.|-Dude, don't worry, all right?
We'll get there.|You know what? Try and--
-Dude, what are you doing?|-I don't know. I just...
...feel so good.
Oh, my God.
I just feel so weird.
Don't worry.|Ecstasy is not that bad.
-What?|-Kelly likes dosing people with E.
Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?
No, no, no. It's okay, Matt.|You're gonna be fine. I promise.
You're such a good friend, Klitzy.|I love you.
I love you so much.
This is gonna be amazing.
Wait a second.
Oh, my God.
WELCOME TO THE SHERIDAN|SCHOLARSHIP BANQUE You don't understand. It's|really kicking in right now.
Just try not to talk|so much, okay?
Talk so much?|I'm giving a speech.
-It's okay. Just go with it.|-Wait, wait.
In a few minutes, we'll begin|the speeches, and we hope....
Thank you again|for coming to what...
...promises to be a|very eventful evening.
Matthew Kidman?
My competition.
-Hey, what's up, Ryan?|-Jesus, what happened to you?
Just living life, my man.
Mina, how are you?
Okay. Just a little nervous.
But you're a little temptress,|though, aren't you?
Hey, buddy. How you doing?
Hey. Thanks a lot,|thanks a lot.
Hey, there's the big daddy.
Matthew, what has been|going on with you?
Some serious shit.
But, Jesus, man,|it's good to see you.
Will you excuse us, please?
Oh, my God.|Am I blowing it?
Just try and control yourself.
-Just breathe, okay?|-All right.
I have learned a lot|from my teachers.
But my best teacher|has always been my mother...
...a woman who worked three|jobs trying to support me...
...ever since|I was a little nia.
I will never forget the day|she said to me:
And that is why I have always|tried to answer the call...
...of the great|John F. Kennedy...
...who urged us to|"Ask not what your country"--
Let's see here....
I can't speak a|foreign language...
...so that's out.
And I-- I certainly|can't quote J.F.K. now...
...can I, Ryan? You know what?
It's funny, I have this whole|speech prepared...
...and I've been|practicing for weeks...
...but you know what?
I'm just gonna go with it.
Moral fiber.
So, what is moral fiber?|I mean....
It's funny, I used to think|it was always telling the truth...
...doing good deeds.
You know, basically|being a fucking Boy Scout.
But lately, I've been seeing|it differently.
Now I think that moral|fiber's about...
...finding that one thing|you really care about.
That one special thing|that means more...
...to you than anything|else in the world.
And when you find her...
...you fight for her.|You risk it all.
...your future, your life...
You put her in front of|everything...
...all of it.
And maybe the stuff you do|to help her isn't so clean.
You know what?|It doesn't matter.
Because in your|heart you know...
...that the juice|is worth the squeeze.
That's what moral|fiber's all about.
First, I'd just like to commend|the candidates on...
...their impressive remarks.
This year was a|very tough decision.
And as much as we'd love to give|you all scholarships, we can't.
And so I am proud to announce|the winner...
...of this year's|Sheridan scholarship:
Ryan Winger.
Oh, God, what happened?
Yeah, I slipped.
Listen, Jeannie,|Samnang's coming on Monday.
-I know. How exciting.|-Yeah.
So I'm gonna need|to close out the account.
What do you mean?
I mean I'm gonna need|to close out the account.
-But it's already closed.|-What are you talking about?
Your teacher came by yesterday|and cleared out the account.
Who? What-- What teacher?
Your student advisor.|Mr. Salinger.
The one you were|with the other day.
Mr. Salinger? What are you--?
Cambodia
Samnang, what's wrong, my son?
That Matthew Kidman.
He fucked me, Mom.|He fucked me so bad.
Son of a bitch.
Oh, my God.
-What's wrong?|-Jeannie...
...didn't you ask|for ID or anything?
You said he was|your student advisor.
Oh, my God.
-Jeannie, where are you going?|-To get the manager.
No, hold on.|Wait, wait, wait.
Matthew, what's going on?
Look...
...that guy wasn't|my student advisor.
No, I know, I know.|I can get the money back.
We just need to keep this|between me and you for now, okay?
That's a great blouse, by the way.|Have you lost weight?
No? No, wait, wait.
Jeannie.
You think about this.|This is your fault too. Right?
You didn't ask for ID.|You didn't do anything.
And I saw you flirting|with him too...
...all right?|So unprofessional.
You'll lose your job|over this.
Don't threaten me,|you little shit.
I could give a fuck about you|and your rice boy.
I'm not getting fired.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.|Just-- Please, I....
Just-- No one can ever|find out about this.
If this gets out, I'll be expelled.|My life will be over.
If that money isn't|back by Monday...
...I wouldn't worry about|being expelled.
I'd worry about going to jail.
-Jeannie....|-Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Martin.
BANK MANAGER
Matthew, what's wrong?
Matt, is there something|you want to talk about?
Matthew, honey, what is it?
-Hi.|-Come here.
I'm in so much trouble.
I can't believe|we're even thinking about this.
Well, if you need that kind|of money by Monday....
Yeah-- What are we doing?
I mean, I can't get you|involved in this.
I want to do it.
Why?
Moral fiber.
I'm in.
You haven't heard|the whole plan yet.
Doesn't matter.
Fuck film school.
This is gonna be huge.|This is gonna be my calling card.
-No.|-Klitzy....
-No way.|-Klitz...
...you know I wouldn't ask for|this unless I really needed it.
Matt believe me,|I want to help you, but-- No.
-We'll get expelled and--|-Klitz, shut up.
Do me a favor, okay?
Take a look at us, okay?|Take a good look at us.
Do you know what we are,|the three of us?
-What?|-We're a fucking tripod.
-A tripod?|-Yeah.
And you know what that means?
That means that if you kick out|one of our legs, then we all fall.
Come on, baby.
Fuck.
I know it was you, Klitzy.
-Where is she?|-Oh, there they are. Hey.
-Hey!|-Hi, Danielle.
Hi.
-Hey, let's get our luggage!|-Yeah.
-Yeah!|-All right?
-I'll be there in a minute.|-Okay!
So if I pull this off,|I get the 25 grand on Sunday?
Kid, you pull this off I'll|take care of your little Samsung.
Samnang.
Whatever.
Have a nice prom, kid.
-All right, minions, over here.|-Good luck.
Relax, relax.
You know what?|Go wait in the car. Go.
Jesus.
Gentlemen, these are your|prom dates, April and Ferrari.
Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.
Your name is Klitz?
With a K.
Okay, get a two-shot. Minions.|All right, guys, get closer.
Yeah, that's right. Show me|the love. Oh, feel it. Feel it!
-Nice.|-Eli?
Do those girls go to|your school?
Actually, no.
Mrs. Kidman...
-...they're porn stars.|-Oh, yeah, right.
You look....
You-- You look really nice.
Thanks.
You really do, hon.|You look so beautiful.
Really?
Thanks.
WELCOME|TO THE SENIOR PROM
What are all these cameras for?
For video yearbook.
So, what should we do?|Should we start setting up?
Yeah, look, we just gotta|keep this low-key, okay?
Okay. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna get our actors.
-Dude, make sure they can act.|-Yeah, all right.
-Just get out of here, okay?|-Hey, I got this taken care of.
You just show this little lady|a good time tonight, all right?
-Minions, let's move.|-Wait. So, what are we doing?
Relax, relax.
Come on, play it cool,|play it cool.
Look, they're coming to you.
I, Matt.
-What's up?|-What's up?
-Can we talk to you for a second?|-Dude, I'm with my girl here.
-Sorry, man.|-Should we come back?
No, I'll leave you guys alone.
What's up?
Hey, man, what's up|with those girls?
-What about them?|-Are they, like...?
Are they porn stars?
-Yeah.|-Shit.
I knew I recognized them.|I knew it.
-Can we meet them?|-Yeah.
How'd you boys|like to be in a movie?
-What are these?|-Your scripts.
Sign the release|form at the top.
Come on, you guys, wait up!
PHOTO RELEASE
Are these our actors?
Just these two.
What about me, dude?
Sorry, bro.|Party's all full.
Gentlemen.
As an artist, I want it|to come from a truthful place.
Holy shit.
-Ferrari. Ferrari. Focus. Listen.|-Oh, okay.
-Are we...?|-No, I can do this. Don't worry.
Think Meryl Streep,|Sophie's Choice.
Hey.
Hey.
Next location! Come on, move!
Move, move, move! Let's go!
-I gotta be in this.|-Shut up. Take this.
Oh, come on! Take the pain!
Take the pain!|Get up. Come on!
May I have a word with you?
-What's up?|-I found this in the hallway.
Do you know what this is?
No, what is it?
Looks like a release|form for something.
Yeah, I don't|know what it is.
Have a good night.
You're strong.
You're firm.
But you have a secret.
Show that to me.
Thank you.
For what?
I never went to prom.
Excuse me, sir?
We have a problem.
-What's wrong?|-Derek didn't work out.
-What happened?|-Let's just say he wasn't strong...
...or firm.
Guys, I can't work like this.
Okay, relax.|We'll just get somebody else.
There is nobody else.
I thought everyone's|dying to be in this.
Not this scene.
All right.
This is the key scene.
If we don't get this,|Hugo's not gonna buy it.
Yeah, well, somebody's|gotta step up.
-Why are you looking at me?|-Because you're doing it.
Whoa, whoa,|Mr. I-Just-Wanna-Bang-Hot-Chicks.
Here's your first chance.
Klitz, I can't act|and direct, okay?
Oh, okay, fine. I'll direct.
-You're a director now?|-Yeah, I am.
Okay, Spielberg,|what lens will you use?
-It's a video camera.|-So?
Dude, you don't need to change|the lens on a video camera.
You know what? Take this camera|and shove it up your ass!
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
You guys have been great,|but this is my mess.
-I'll clean it up.|-Matt. Matt.
Your face is gonna be in this.|Think about that.
-Come here, baby.|-Let's....
Picture's up, people.
Are you ready, hon?
Yeah.
Okay, let's do this.
And...
...action.
What the hell|is going on in here?
-Nobody move!|-Oh, shit.
Who is in charge of this?
I asked you people|a question!
Who is in charge here?
Fuck it.
All right, everybody,|take five.
What's wrong?
I can't do this.
What happened?
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.|Doesn't matter.
No.
I'll do it.
Klitz, it's cool.|You don't have to-
No, no, I'm doing it.
Why?
Because we're|a fucking tripod.
All right, here we go, people.|Picture's up.
Listen, I know this|is unprofessional...
...but I think|you're really cute.
Yeah, right.
I'm serious.
Really cute.
How we doing, Klitzy?
Fucking great, man.
Let's do this.
And action!
See you guys.
Good night, guys.
So...
...what's the craziest thing|you've done lately?
-Hello?|-We're dead.
-Eli?|-Dude, the tape's not here.
-I can't find it.|-What?
Dude, I'm not kidding, okay?|I've looked everywhere, okay?
All right,|calm down.
No, dude, you calm down!|It's gone!
-What do you mean it's gone?|-I mean it's freaking gone.
Somebody stole it!
Jesus Christ!
Matthew, could you|come in here?
This is Mr. Simon.
He says he has something|very important to discuss with us.
Why don't you sit down.
Actually, if you don't mind...
...may I have a word|with the boy alone first?
Sure.
So how was prom?
-That's mine.|-You know, we were fine.
But now you go and do this?|This was my idea.
Now I'm really gonna|fuck your shit up.
I'm gonna need that back.
Take it from me.
Yeah...
...what are you gonna do?
I don't have to do anything.
Hugo Posh will.
Yeah, he's my partner|on this, 50-50.
So could I please|have my tape back?
Fuck you!
Fuck you.|I'm taking your half then.
No. That money's going to Samnang.|The money you stole from him.
You say that like I care.|I don't give a shit.
You're giving me your half.
And if I don't?
Showtime.
-Okay.|-"Okay," what?
Show them the tape.
I'm not fucking around.
I just don't care anymore.
This...
...is gonna be interesting.
Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger...
...would you mind joining me|in the living room for a second?
Great.
Matthew, is there anything you want|to say before we watch this?
Okay, then. On with the show.
Hello. I'm April.
And I'm Ferrari.
You may recognize us as stars of|the adult entertainment industry.
And today we're taking time|out to talk about...
...a very important subject.
-Sex.|-Sex.
Special events|such as senior prom...
...place added pressure|on young teens...
...to lose their virginity|and engage in unprotected sex.
I know I lost my virginity|at my senior...
...prom. When'd you|lose yours, April?
-When I was 10.|-Moving on.
In this video,|we'll go through.
...everything from kissing|to foreplay.
And for our finale, we'll show you|how to put a condom on properly...
...using a real person.
No cucumbers or bananas|in this video.
So for those of you|naughty boys...
...expecting to see a|raunchy porn video...
...you might as well|turn this off now...
...because you're not|gonna see sex.
What the fuck is this shit?
You're gonna see sex education.
The ELI EXPERIENCE|presents
ADULT EDUCATION|Sex Education for the 21st Century
This is interesting, Matthew.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's|a great idea.
Well, you remember those|sex-ed films back in our day.
Well, I'll tell you, if|they were anything like this...
...we sure would've paid|more attention, don't you think?
I think it's atrocious.
But...
...the hell with it.
The kids today|are so goddamn screwed up...
...maybe this is the only way|you can reach them.
You just might|have something here, Matthew.
I think it's pretty wild.
This could really sell,|don't you think?
How'd you come up|with such an idea, Matthew?
What can I say?
It's like a gift, you know?
It's like I can't control it.
We've Only.|Just Begun.
YEARBOOKS|TODAY!
Courtney Booth. I will always|remember late nights in Cabby--
Eric Zierdal.|I'll always remember--
Kurt Kilgore. I will--
Joseph Croft.
I will always remember wrestling|and the great memories we had.
Matthew Kidman.|I will always remember...
...the three legs of|the tripod.
I'm here with Hugo Posh,|the producer of Adult Education...
...the hottest-selling|sex-education video ever made...
...being utilized in classrooms|across the globe.
Hugo, you're known primarily as|a hard-core pornographer, correct?
My business partner.
Let me break it down for you
See, Hugo Posh isn't just tits.|He isn't just ass.
I mean, yes, he is those things,|but Hugo Posh is also heart.
What an ass-bag.
THE JUICE WAS|WORTH THE SQUEEZE
Fucking kid.
My student advisor.
All right, people.
Let's make some fucky-fucky.
Now, Hugo, you and your partner|have made millions on this.
So who is this silent partner?
Well, he prefers to remain|anonymous.
You better cure cancer, kid.
The next Einstein.
All right.|Yeah, next question.
-All right.|-Eli's calling card.
-How about you, buddy?|-Yeah, Mr. Brooks...
...why did you decide|to skip film school?
Don't you think you're|a little young?
Shut the fuck up!
Next question! Faster!
I got the tape! Can you see?|I got the tape!
For our finale,|I will now demonstrate...
...the proper technique...
...for putting a condom|on the real thing.
Is my volunteer ready?
Klitz's big debut.
Shut up, shut up!|Here he is, here he is.
Jesus, look at that guy.
He is huge.
My own scholarship|to Georgetown.
And of course,|I'll never forget...
...the girl next door.
As for me...
...I'm just going with it.
Oh, that's good. Yeah, just....|Just get comfortable.
I'm a little nervous.
You're doing great.
A little to the right there,|gorgeous.
-Okay. Like this?|-Oh, that a girl.
Yeah. Okay.
-You ready?|-Yeah.
-You're blushing, Dorothy.|-Don't blush, Kathy.
Oh, Kathy.
Okay, and big smile.
Kathy Regan.
I will always remember...
...the game against Fairfield.
That one final kick.
State champion, senior year.
Hunter McCaffrey.
I will always remember...
...all the great times|with the dirty dozen...
...and macking all|the honeys.
Cindy K. Tina B.
Michelle H. Goddamn!
Just too many to remember.
I'll always remember|lacrosse champions.
All the glory days with|the boys.
I will always remember...
...the math-club madmen...
...making the perfect|fake ID's...
...which lasted six seconds
-Troy Cochran.|-Troy Cochran.
-Troy gives good head.|-Fuck you!
I'll always remember...
Seniors!
...the senior prank.
Matthew Kidman.|I will always remember....
YEARBOOK MEMORIES FORM|SENIORS ONLY!
NAME: MATTHEW KIDMAN|I'll always remember...
Yeah, well, I told you|I wanted to try out.
We'd like to honor|a student...
...who has shown outstanding|leadership.
We have no doubt that|he will be one...
...of the great politicians|in Washington.
Georgetown|UNIVERSITY
The award for|the brightest leader...
...of tomorrow,|Matthew Kidman.
-I'm in! I'm in!|-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Georgetown!|They gave it to you!
Hey, Jenny.
Yeah, dude, come on.
SENIOR PROM|DO YOU HAVE THE FEVER?
-Do you have the fever?|-No.
Why? Do you?
I don't know. Maybe.
How about you?
I just gotta fuck something.
I said, everybody say, "Ho!"
You know what I say?
I say, this prom is gonna be|off the hook! Do you feel me?
Security's gonna be tight.|Get wasted before you show up.
That's enough!
That's enough. I can wait.
I can wait, people.
Now, it is your|student-council president...
...who has a few announcements|to make.
Thanks, Mr. Salinger.
All right, how you doing?
Okay, let's start off|with Operation Get Samnang.
Sam Young, baby!
Yeah.
Well, we did it.|We raised the 25,000 dollars...
...so now we can bring the genius|Samnang out of Cambodia...
...and bring him here|to study at Westport.
Speaking of which,|Samnang sent us a new tape.
Show that shit!
Show it!
Hi, everyone, it's Samnang.
Sam Young!
I am very excited to be|coming soon. Are you excited?
I told my class that I am coming|to America. They were sad.
I am so happy.
-I wanna bang you!|-Go, Cougars!
How do they just skip class|every day and go to the beach?
Because they just don't care.
Let's go with them.
-Seriously, let's just do it.|-Why?
Because, I mean,|we never do anything.
I mean, we're graduating. We|should be going nuts right now.
Let's just do something.
I am doing something,|I'm going to class.
Klitz, you already got|into Yale.
I mean, it doesn't|matter anymore.
Yeah, Klitz, you pussy.
-Well, why don't you go?|-Yeah, come on. Let's go.
Beach is for fags, man.
-The beach is for fags?|-Yeah.
You know what?|You guys are fags.
Everyone to the beach!
Let's go! Lock them|and load them, dude.
WESTPORT HIGH SCHOOL
Fuck it.
SCHOOL|SECURITY
Personal power means|the ability to act...
...the ability to take action.
STOP|CHECK-OUT WITH SECURITY
Three steps to personal power|are necessary for results.
Here's number one step|to personal power.
It's called energy.|Energy.
When you wake up feeling|really lethargic, really lousy...
...do you usually|jump up and go--?
Oh, shit.
Hey! Pull it over!
Pull it over! Pull--
Oh, well, you're home early.
I postponed yearbook.|I gotta work on my speech
-Hi, Mr. Peterson.|-Mr. President.
-Mrs. Peterson.|-Congratulations.
-Oh, thank you.|-Congratulations. Georgetown.
Wow, you must be flying.
It's cool.
What's the speech|you're working on?
Oh, it's for this scholarship|I need to get so I can...
...actually go to Georgetown.
It's pretty expensive.
What kind of scholarship|is it?
What do they give it for?
It's for the student who best|demonstrates moral fiber.
Oh, moral fiber. Well, that's--
-Oh, I'm sure you'll get it.|-Thanks. I mean, I hope so.
I mean, there's some stiff|Competition...
...and they only pick|one of us...
...so I'll just have to blow|them away with my speech.
Okay, so why do I deserve|this scholarship?
1 . MAKE EYE CONTACT|2. BE CHARMING 3. JFK!
...can do for you|but what you can do...."
John F. Kennedy once said,|"Ask not what
Look, I don't know|who she is.
I'm just saying that|this girl was unbelievable.
I mean, she was|like this angel.
I mean, she had this smile.|I mean, you should have seen it.
-So did you bang her?|-Oh, yeah, yeah. I banged her.
That's what a man does,|okay?
-Yeah. Okay, Eli.|-Good.
Oh, my God. She's so hot.
-What channel, dude?|-No, the girl next door.
I can see her through|my window.
How's the rack?
-God, who is this girl?|-How's the rack?
-Hold on. Relax.|-No. You relax.
Be a man and go over there.
Okay. Say what?
I don't know. Get off your|ass and do something. Fuck!
-Hey, what are you doing?|-What?
Hey, dude, seriously,|I told you...
...it really freaks me out|when you watch that while...
...you're talking to me.
Just learn to like it.
Oh, my God.
What? Matt, what?
Matt!
Dude, what the fuck?
Shit!
-Yes?|-I'm sorry.
-Dan.|-What's going on?
Matthew!
Matthew, come down here.
-What are you doing up there?|-Nothing.
Come down here.
This is Danielle.
You know Mrs. Clark from|next door. Danielle's her niece.
Danielle just told us|something very interesting.
Mrs. Clark is in Africa for|two weeks with her church group.
Did you know that?
Anyway, Danielle just came|in from Los Angeles...
...and she's housesitting|while her aunt's away.
Why don't you show|her around.
Such a long road, you know.
-What are we doing?|-Did you like what you saw?
What are you talking about?
Okay, I saw you for,|like, an instant.
-An instant?|-Yeah.
It was no big deal.
No, no, it was-- It was a|big deal, but it's just that....
I didn't....
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
So, what are we gonna|do about this?
I mean, I said I was sorry.
What?
You saw me....
Yeah, right, like I'm gonna|strip right here?
Are you serious?
No.
No. No, never gonna happen.
The whole package.
No, come on,|this is good enough.
Jesus! Come on,|will you relax?
Frigging psycho.
There. You happy now?
Yep.
Hey! Wait!
No!
Jesus. Sorry.
You're an asshole.|It's not funny.
It's a little funny.
Come on.
Let me in. Let me in.
It's not funny.
It's a little funny.
So, what else do you do|besides torture people?
-Seriously, what's your story?|-I don't know.
I kind of just quit my job.
I want to start over.|Maybe go to college.
So are you here|alone or what?
-What?|-Just ask.
Do you have a boyfriend?
No.
Aren't you gonna ask me|if I have a girlfriend?
No.01:18:45.04\01:18:46.13|Okay.
So you're about to graduate.|You must be going nuts right now.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just been|off the hook, you know?
-Really?|-Yeah.
So, what's the craziest thing|you've done lately?
Oh, I mean, it's hard to tell,|you know, because we--
I've just done so much|nuts stuff. I mean....
It's just off the hook,|off the walls. I mean....
You haven't done anything,|have you?
No.
It's kind of-- It's kind|of been my problem lately.
Come on, there's gotta|be something.
What about your girlfriend?
Okay.
We can figure this out.|You just need a girl.
What kind of girl?
Definitely someone cute.
Definitely.
Someone who can make|him laugh.
But he also needs someone|who's gonna push him.
Someone who's gonna|make him do...
...things he never thought|he could do.
Like stripping|in the middle of the street?
-Well, thanks for the ride.|-No problem.
Well...
...good night.
Good night.
"Good night"?|What are you, gay?
-I would have nailed her.|-Ok, you wouldn't have nailed her.
-Whatever, dude.|-And, you know, secondly...
...you know,|the vibe was not right.
The vibe wasn't right? She comes|to your house and makes you strip.
What does she have to do,|sit on your face?
Come on, bitch.
-Damn. Should have kissed her.|-Are you okay? Dude?
All right, you all have|this graph, correct?
Good. Let's move along then.
Now, it's a very simple|equation here.
Somebody give me|the answer to this.
All right, if no one knows|the answer to this....
Looking at this calculation,|what does this make us think of?
Questions on this?
Good news, ladies and gentlemen.|Pop-quiz time.
That's Samnang Sok.|He's this complete genius.
So we raised all|this money for him...
...to come here and|study at our school.
-Who's "we"?|-Well, I mean, I did...
...but he could be|the next Einstein, you know.
You know,|he could cure cancer.
Let's go.
So, what do you wanna do?
What?
I'm not stripping again.
Come on.
Danielle!
Come on.|Where are you going?
Hey, come on,|let's get out of here.
How do you know|no one's home?
-I don't.|-Come on.
Seriously, this is nuts.
Oh, boxers.
I always wear boxers. You just|caught me on a weird day.
So, what's the craziest thing|you've done lately?
This is right up there.
Oh, my God.
-That's Mr. Salinger.|-Who?
That's my principal.|Seriously, let's go.
-It's not funny.|-It's a little funny.
Hey.
Just go with it.
Dude, I'm kind of uncomfortable|watching this with you.
Dude, learn to like it.
I'm all wet. Can I come in?
Hey, guys. This is Danielle.
You must be Eli. And Klitz.|Right.
Hey, come on,|we're all going out.
-Can I use your bathroom first?|-Oh, it's over here to the left.
-Dude.|-I know.
Dude.
I know.
-Dude, what are we doing here?|-Yeah, I know.
Guys, seriously, it's gonna get...
...broken up, like,|any second now, right?
Guys?
-Get the fuck out of here!|-Sorry.
Go.
-So, what do you wanna do?|-Let's just chill.
Hi, guys.
-Is this your party?|-No, it's a friend of mine's.
-I'm Hunter.|-Danielle.
This is Matthew.
-Hey, Matt, what's up?|-What's up?
Can I get you something|to drink?
-Yeah.|-Hey, man, what's up?
-Can you come here for a second?|-Yeah.
No, it's cool. They're pals.
What's up?
Yeah, man, this party's|getting kind of full, bro.
-Yeah, so?|-So you're gonna have to take off.
-Really?|-Yeah.
Okay, but I'm with her.|I mean--
Oh, it's cool, dude.|She's taken care of.
There's the door.
Yo, man!
When's Samsung getting here?
-Samnang.|-Yeah!
I love him.
Dude, I'm gonna do that little|guy when he gets here.
Hard.
Cool, dude.|I'm sure he'll like that.
Sam Young!
Excuse me.
-Dude.|-I know.
-What?|-You're coming with me. Right now.
Everybody out. Let's move.
I said out, minions! Move! Move!|Faster, you little maggots.
-So how's everything going?|-Fine.
Is everything, you know,|okay at home?
All right, what?
Perhaps you should have a seat.
Perhaps you should bite me.
Perhaps.
Matthew...
...we live in a crazy,|mixed-up world.
Crazy, but, oh, so beautiful.
Excellent, grasshopper.
And now for the final task|of your training.
You're gonna need a harder piece|of wood than that, cowboy.
-That's not her.|-Yeah, it is.
-Oh, no.|-Oh, yeah.
Matt! Matt! Dude, you're|missing the best part.
Fuck! Fuck!
Settle down, tiger.|I know. I know.
It's not funny.|Seriously, get away from me.
-Dude, don't mess this up.|-Mess what up?
Matt, she's a porn star,|okay?
Take her to a motel room|and bang her like a beast.
Eli, I like this girl.
And you can still like her|with your penis inside her.
I'm telling you,|you're gonna regret this.
What would JFK do?|You know he'd tap that ass.
Eli, I'm never gonna|see her again.
Oh, you know what? Fine.
-Fine.|-Fine!
Goddamn it, Matt.
I swear to God, if you don't|fuck her, I'll kill myself!
Matt, please. Please, Matt.|Fuck her for me. For me!
-Oh, Marci, you're so funny.|-Oh, thanks.
-I just saw you naked.|-What?
Don't worry, honey,|you were only 2 days old.
-Let's see what else we have.|-Why are you here?
I just came here to say hi.
Hi.
Look at this one of him.
Hey, buddy.
-That one's the best.|-It is. He looks so adorable.
He looks really--|Oh, that's such a good one.
-Here you go, Danielle.|-Oh, thanks.
-Thattagirl.|-This is a cute one.
Oh, who's your daddy?
So you were going to school|in Los Angeles?
For a while. But then I started|working on other things.
Oh, what kind of things?
Let me show you.
Jesus!
-Are you okay?|-Yeah, I don't know, I....
I don't feel so good.
What can I do to make you|feel better?
I think I'm feeling|a lot better now.
-We can go out another night.|-No, we're going out tonight.
-You sure?|-Positive.
-I don't know if I can do this.|-Yes, you can.
But tonight, be the man.
First off, act like|you don't even like her.
-Hey.|-Hey.
Second, get her drunk.|Really drunk, okay?
That way the true porn star|will come out in her.
Here, I... I got us something.
Bourbon?
-Are you trying to get me drunk?|-No, what?
-I thought you like to rock.|-"Like to rock?"
Last and most important...
...always be touching her,|Matt.
That tells her you came here|to get down tonight.
What are we doing?
Just chilling.
Hey, look.
MOTEL|Glen Capri
Maybe we should get a room.
Okay.
Here it is.
This is-- This is really nice.
TV.
Air conditioner.
Got a little lamp there.
Is that Monet?
What?
-What are you thinking?|-What are you thinking?
I don't know.
Do you wanna fuck me?
Come here.
How do you want me?
Why are you doing this?
What?
This.
Isn't this what you want?
To fuck a porn star|in a cheap motel room?
So this is what|you think of me.
-Danielle, wait. I'm sorry.|-Let me guess.
You saw a tape,|and you thought:
"What the hell?|She does it for a living, right?"
-Eli told me to do it.|-Oh, now that's a mature response.
-Why didn't you just tell me?|-Because I didn't want to, okay?
Because I loved the way|you looked at me.
God, do you have|any idea how--?
Forget it.
-Hold on.|-Fuck you.
ONLY 9 DAYS LEFT!|SAMNANG
You're done.
WHY DO I DESERVE|THIS SCHOLARSHIP?
Look, I'm an idiot, okay?|I saw the tape, and I freaked out.
Hi. I'm coming in.|Can I come in?
Look, I've just|been crazy lately.
I mean, the whole scholarship|thing, you know, I mean....
It's killing me, you know?
But I'm not even|thinking about that.
The only thing I care about|is you, you know?
All I want is just for us|to go back to normal again.
It's a real nice place|you got here, D.
I...
Can we...
-...talk about this later?|-Yeah.
Sure.
I like that.
-What?|-What you said in there.
Thanks.
Kelly.
Matthew.
-So you're friends with D, huh?|-Yeah.
Well, we're-|We're kind of going out.
Look at you.|You are a forest fire.
-Are we going?|-Yeah.
You coming with us?
-Where are you going?|-Can't. He's got school tomorrow.
No, no, I'm cool.|Like, where are we going?
Hey, there.|What can I get for you?
We'll get two Scotch|rocks and....
Make it three. Actually, I'll|have a Long lsland iced tea.
So, what grade are|you in, man?
I'm a senior.|But I'm about to graduate.
Congratulations. What's next?
Georgetown, hopefully.
-Matthew wants to be president.|-Really?
-That's great, man.|-Yeah.
How do you|two know each other?
How do we know each other?
-We used to work together.|-So you're, like, an actor?
No. Strictly producer.
But D and I also used to go out.|Excuse me a sec.
So you guys went out?
Thank you.
Look, can we just talk?
Talk.
I don't know if this|is really the place.
-Why? What's wrong with it?|-No, nothing. It's fine, you know.
It's one of my favorites.
Hey, you got one for me?
-What are you doing?|-What?
Here.
And you turn it like so:
-Hey, where are you going?|-The bathroom. Is that okay?
Yeah.
So you're really into her,|huh?
Hey. I get it, man, believe me.|She's gorgeous.
I just think you'd want|someone more your age.
-She's my age.|-Yeah, I meant experience-wise.
No offense.
Don't worry about it.|I'm gonna take care of you.
Oh, my God.|That's Mr. Peterson.
That's my dad's|friend.
He comes over all|the time with his wife.
Really?
Hey, Peterson.
What? Dude,|what are you doing, man?
Yeah, you. Get over here.
Goddamn, Peterson, haven't|seen your black ass in ages.
-Do I know you?|-What the fuck's your problem?
-I....|-Just fucking with you, man.
Hey, you know my friend|Matty here, right?
-Matthew. Hi.|-Peterson, this is Matty's first time.
Why don't you buy him a dance.
So did you hear about|that scholarship yet?
No, big dinner's on Thursday.
So, what's it for again?
The scholarship.
It's for...
...moral fiber.
Me? A Teenage Daddy?
Who is this guy?|Is he a porn producer?
Klitz, shut up.|Now, the strippers.
When you get a lap dance, were they|cool with you grabbing their ass?
Dude. I'm trying to talk|about Danielle here.
Fine. Selfish bitch.
For teenagers, sexual intercourse|can be dangerous.
Jesus, what hack made this?
I could make a better sex-ed|film with my mom.
Why don't they update this thing?
Special events,|such as your senior prom...
...place added pressure on young|teens to lose their virginity...
...and also engage|in unprotected sex.
9 months later...
-Hello?|-Hey, Bob.
We're all going|to the creek tonight.
It's gonna be a gas.|You're coming, right?
I can't, guys.
I have a baby now.
Because of prom.
Dude.
-What?|-Yeah, right.
-You guys ever thought about it?|-No.
I just think you guys|would be really hot.
-You girls are 18, right?|-I am.
-I will be in a month.|-Really?
-You ever been photographed?|-A couple of times.
Hey, you guys know Matty?
I hung with him last night.|Guy's the tits.
Here's my man.
-How you doing?|-What's up, fellas?
Matty, you didn't tell me|you got some serious burners...
...at your school here.
Oh, shut up.|You did not say that
Hey, you know who's got|the killer bud?
This fucker right here.
-What are you talking about?|-Yeah, come on.
Yeah, you have some?
Yeah, come on.
-Holy shit.|-You guys should party.
-Can I--?|-All right, we're out.
-Hold on a sec.|-Where are you guys going?
-We got things to do.|-Do you wanna hang out?
-Hop in, fellas.|-Aren't you gonna photograph us?
Always leave|them wanting more.
Punch it!
Man, there is|some talent here.
You get those girls together|with those ass-bags there...
...shoot them humping at,|like, a football...
...game or at a prom,|that video would sell.
Fuck, I'm good!
How do I get these ideas?|It's like a gift, you know?
It's like I can't control it.
So, what are we doing, man?
You know, you really didn't|have to come with me.
It's cool.|I like running errands.
So you raised 25 G's just|to bring this Chinese guy over.
No, he's Cambodian.
Okay, so that's 25,000|total deposited...
...into the Operation|Get Samnang account.
Hey, so you raised|all the money you needed.
-Congratulations.|-Thanks.
So is this Samnang|really as smart as they say?
Well, he did teach himself|calculus without even using...
..his textbooks, so....
Those crazy little fuckers, man.|They sure know their numbers.
Jeannie, this is my--|This is my student advisor.
They really compliment|your coloring.
Oh, you're Mr. Salinger?
Just here to make sure|everything's up to par. Wow.
-What?|-I love those earrings.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks. I just got back|from Cabo.
-Did you?|-Yeah.
Okay, well, we gotta go.|Thanks, Jeannie.
Man, what were you doing--?
There's a bar,|you sit with the people.
You have been there.
-See? I knew it.|-No, no.
-This guy is unbelievable.|-You.
-Where you guys going?|-Vegas, baby.
We got the convention. Gotta press|the flesh, meet the fans.
So that's it?|You're just going back?
I don't belong here.
What do you--? What do you mean?|What about starting over?
This is what I am.
All right, D, let's roll.
-Dude, it's not your fault.|-No, it is my fault.
If I hadn't been such a dick and|taken her to that motel room....
Yeah, it was a little forward,|don't you think?
-Dude.|-What?
Matt, the point is,|she made her decision.
There's nothing|you can do about it now.
Yeah, there is.
-Hey, Dad?|-Don't wait up.
-I'll be late tonight.|-I'll watch it tomorrow.
-Shark Week is all week long.|-God, I just wanna bang hot chicks.
LAS VEGAS WELCOMES|THE ADULT FILM CONVENTION
-Move it.|-Sorry.
Big smile.
-Sasha!|-Sasha!
-Yo, man, no press.|-No, no. No, I'm not press.
I'm still in high school,|okay?
This is for my high school|video yearbook.
I swear to God.
That's right, bitch.
Jesus, is that her?
Athena.
Give me a second, guys.
-Athena!|-Athena!
-Danielle.|-Athena! Athena!
-Danielle.|-Come on! Athena, right here!
-Work it, Athena.|-You are so hot, Athena.
-Look, I'm sorry. I had to come.|-Asshole, I'm next.
-I feel like this is all my fault.|-Who is this guy?
-Will you at least look at me?|-Bend over.
You're the best thing that|ever happened to me, okay?
-Me too!|-Oh, Danielle.
He's so sweet.
Danielle.
Nice job, dickwad.
-Danielle.|-Hey, man, get me out of this thing.
-Take me with you, dude.|-Danielle.
Just leave me alone, please.
Danielle.
-Danielle, Danielle.|-Hugo, hi.
Look at you.|You look fantastic.
Just starting out,|and everyone knows your name.
No, they don't.
-So how's Kelly treating you?|-Okay.
Just okay?
Danielle, what do we know?
What do we know? We know|that you should be with me.
At the top.|Where the air is crisp.
-Nice tan.|-Kelly.
-What do we say?|-Fuck you.
Always with the big words.
Danielle,|where the air is crisp.
-What does that mean?|-Nothing. He's just being Hugo.
Matty. What are you doing here?
Look, Kelly, no offense, but I|really don't think Danielle...
...wants to be here right now.
Matthew, please just go home,|okay?
Hey, D.
I'm sorry, man. Come on.|Let's get out of here.
What's up?
It's not cute anymore.
-What?|-Stop filling her head with that--
-Do not piss me off.|-Hey, I thought we were friends.
Friends don't fuck|with each other's business.
And that's what this is,|my fucking business.
What?
What are you gonna do?
Yeah, that's what I thought.|Stay the fuck away from her.
Matt, seriously, man,|it's 2:00 in the morning.
What about your thing tomorrow?|Okay, the scholarship dinner?
Sorry, I gotta do this.
Oh, by the way, if things get|bad, just bolt, okay?
What? What do you mean,|"if things get bad"?
Just bolt.
Wait, what's he|talking about?
You wanna get me a drink?|No, I'm just kidding.
Hi.
Dude...
...am I ugly?
What? No. No, man,|you're fine. Just relax.
No, I'm ugly. I know it.
-So, what do you guys do?|-I get freaky.
-We're directors.|-Really?
Would you guys ever wanna|use me in one of your movies?
Hell, yeah, we'll use you.
Baby, I'll do things to you|I wouldn't do to a farm animal.
-What the fuck did you just say?|-Honey. These guys are directors.
-And they wanna use me.|-Use you?
Guys, this is my boyfriend,|Mule.
Hi, Mule.
Let's do it.
Man, you gotta use my girl, bro.|She's so good.
I am. I really am.
-You wanna give her a throw?|-Yeah, try me out.
No, you know, no, I'm okay,|though, thank you.
Well, come on.|At least feel her tits.
I'm okay. I can't.|Thank you, though.
Fuck it. I'll feel one.
We're all set for tomorrow.
Athena will be there,|ready to shoot. Right, babe?
Not bad, huh?|Suckers cost me 6 grand.
Yo, Mule, what the hell|are you doing?
Steel, check it out, man.|These guys are directors.
Man, these punks ain't|directors.
They're in high school,|you idiot.
Okay, here's the thing--
Oh, shit!
-Come on, Klitz, come on.|-Get off.
Matty, time to go, time to go.|Time to go.
-What happened?|-It got bad. Bolt. Bolt!
-Dude, wait up.|-Fuck you, dude!
Excuse me.
I just wanna let you know,|I know who you really are.
And you're better than this.
IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM....
Yeah?
Need a ride to school?
It's all you now. I mean,|now you can do whatever you want.
Why do you believe|in me so much?
I don't know. Maybe I'm stupid.
-Good luck tonight.|-Thanks.
-Bye.|-Bye.
Will you go to prom with me?
What?
I would love to.
Now for the scientific|explanation. Anybody?
JOHN F. KENNEDY once said:|ASK NOT....
That's your speech?
Yeah.
You ready for tonight?
Hey, don't worry, man.|You're gonna be great.
I have to be.
That bitch can't just|run away because...
...she don't wanna fuck|on film anymore.
May I help you?
-Get up.|-Okay, okay.
Stay in school.
Look, I have the most important|dinner of my life tonight...
...so wherever we're going,|you know...
...we just have to be|home by 6.
Just so you know.
Here he comes.
-It's a cool ride, huh?|-Yeah, if you're a fag.
-Jesus!|-It's cool, it's cool.
Get in.
-Where are we going?|-I thought you were cool, man.
I tried to be your friend,|and what do you do?
-You fuck me.|-I didn't fuck you.
She didn't show up on set|because of what you said.
Now I'm out 30 grand.
-Guess who's paying me back.|-What? I don't have 30 grand.
-Get your folks to help.|-They don't have that kind of money.
Look, Kelly, I'm a problem solver,|all right? This is what I do. Okay?
Let's just-- Let's just think|outside of the box here.
Look, she'll get a job,|I'll keep mowing...
...lawns, and over time|we'll pay it down.
You know? This can work.|We can do this.
It'll be like a payment plan.
-You really care about her, huh?|-Yeah, I really do.
Yeah, I don't know. If I'm gonna|do this payment-plan thing...
...I need a show of good faith,|you know?
-Something concrete.|-Well, like what?
A blowjob.
No. I told you she's not gonna|do that anymore.
Who said anything about her?
Yeah, we're definitely|outside the box now, huh?
Now, you gotta ask yourself,|how far are you willing to go?
How much do you|really care about her?
I'm joking, man.
Relax.
-Damn. Do I look gay to you?|-No, but, Jesus--
You wanna be president?
Let me tell you the first|rule of politics:
Always know if the juice|is worth the squeeze.
You know what that means?|It means you don't steal my girl...
...unless you're ready|to accept the consequences.
All right, I'm sorry, okay?
That's gonna swell up like|a bitch. Here, take this.
I'm telling you,|it's gonna hurt like shit.
I'm sorry I got upset.|I felt taken advantage of.
Look, I'm not gonna be a dick.|I know she loves you.
I'm gonna leave you guys alone.
But now you're doing|something for me.
Remember that ass-bag, Hugo,|from the convention?
We used to be partners|a long time ago.
One day, I had this killer|idea to make films set...
...in real-life situations.
You know, Real World porn.
I told the idea to Hugo.|He says he'll think about it.
And what does|that motherfucker do?
Takes my best girl, starts|his own company with my idea...
...and the guy makes millions.
It's not the money|that pisses me off.
I mean, fuck,|it does piss me off...
...but that's not it.|It's the perception.
Everybody thinks Hugo's|the genius. It was my idea.
It's like he's Simon,|and I'm Garfunkel.
Look at me, man.|I'm fucking Garfunkel.
-Look, seriously, I can't do this.|-Don't be a pussy. Nobody's home.
-Why do you want this thing so bad?|-Because it should've been mine.
-I'll grab it and leave.|-You don't understand...
...l have to be at|a dinner in an hour.
My whole life depends on it.
You want me out|of Danielle's life?
Yes, I do.
-Then let's go.|-But wait, seriously.
Sometimes, if you wanna do|something good...
...you gotta do|something bad.
Yeah, but this is breaking|and entering.
This is politics.
Hey.
After this, we're cool, okay?
You're all right, man.
Yes.
I'd like to report a robbery.
AVN BEST PICTURE 1999|"CHITTY CHITTY GANG BANG"
HUGO POSH PRODUCER
Bang me.
Cradle the balls.
Stop! Stop! Help me!
Help! Oh, fuck!
Wait!
Come on!
Okay, so what time|does the dinner start?
Six o'clock.
-Why? What time is it now?|-6:30.
-Oh, my God.|-Dude, don't worry, all right?
We'll get there.|You know what? Try and--
-Dude, what are you doing?|-I don't know. I just...
...feel so good.
Oh, my God.
I just feel so weird.
Don't worry.|Ecstasy is not that bad.
-What?|-Kelly likes dosing people with E.
Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?
No, no, no. It's okay, Matt.|You're gonna be fine. I promise.
You're such a good friend, Klitzy.|I love you.
I love you so much.
This is gonna be amazing.
Wait a second.
Oh, my God.
WELCOME TO THE SHERIDAN|SCHOLARSHIP BANQUE You don't understand. It's|really kicking in right now.
Just try not to talk|so much, okay?
Talk so much?|I'm giving a speech.
-It's okay. Just go with it.|-Wait, wait.
In a few minutes, we'll begin|the speeches, and we hope....
Thank you again|for coming to what...
...promises to be a|very eventful evening.
Matthew Kidman?
My competition.
-Hey, what's up, Ryan?|-Jesus, what happened to you?
Just living life, my man.
Mina, how are you?
Okay. Just a little nervous.
But you're a little temptress,|though, aren't you?
Hey, buddy. How you doing?
Hey. Thanks a lot,|thanks a lot.
Hey, there's the big daddy.
Matthew, what has been|going on with you?
Some serious shit.
But, Jesus, man,|it's good to see you.
Will you excuse us, please?
Oh, my God.|Am I blowing it?
Just try and control yourself.
-Just breathe, okay?|-All right.
I have learned a lot|from my teachers.
But my best teacher|has always been my mother...
...a woman who worked three|jobs trying to support me...
...ever since|I was a little nia.
I will never forget the day|she said to me:
And that is why I have always|tried to answer the call...
...of the great|John F. Kennedy...
...who urged us to|"Ask not what your country"--
Let's see here....
I can't speak a|foreign language...
...so that's out.
And I-- I certainly|can't quote J.F.K. now...
...can I, Ryan? You know what?
It's funny, I have this whole|speech prepared...
...and I've been|practicing for weeks...
...but you know what?
I'm just gonna go with it.
Moral fiber.
So, what is moral fiber?|I mean....
It's funny, I used to think|it was always telling the truth...
...doing good deeds.
You know, basically|being a fucking Boy Scout.
But lately, I've been seeing|it differently.
Now I think that moral|fiber's about...
...finding that one thing|you really care about.
That one special thing|that means more...
...to you than anything|else in the world.
And when you find her...
...you fight for her.|You risk it all.
...your future, your life...
You put her in front of|everything...
...all of it.
And maybe the stuff you do|to help her isn't so clean.
You know what?|It doesn't matter.
Because in your|heart you know...
...that the juice|is worth the squeeze.
That's what moral|fiber's all about.
First, I'd just like to commend|the candidates on...
...their impressive remarks.
This year was a|very tough decision.
And as much as we'd love to give|you all scholarships, we can't.
And so I am proud to announce|the winner...
...of this year's|Sheridan scholarship:
Ryan Winger.
Oh, God, what happened?
Yeah, I slipped.
Listen, Jeannie,|Samnang's coming on Monday.
-I know. How exciting.|-Yeah.
So I'm gonna need|to close out the account.
What do you mean?
I mean I'm gonna need|to close out the account.
-But it's already closed.|-What are you talking about?
Your teacher came by yesterday|and cleared out the account.
Who? What-- What teacher?
Your student advisor.|Mr. Salinger.
The one you were|with the other day.
Mr. Salinger? What are you--?
Cambodia
Samnang, what's wrong, my son?
That Matthew Kidman.
He fucked me, Mom.|He fucked me so bad.
Son of a bitch.
Oh, my God.
-What's wrong?|-Jeannie...
...didn't you ask|for ID or anything?
You said he was|your student advisor.
Oh, my God.
-Jeannie, where are you going?|-To get the manager.
No, hold on.|Wait, wait, wait.
Matthew, what's going on?
Look...
...that guy wasn't|my student advisor.
No, I know, I know.|I can get the money back.
We just need to keep this|between me and you for now, okay?
That's a great blouse, by the way.|Have you lost weight?
No? No, wait, wait.
Jeannie.
You think about this.|This is your fault too. Right?
You didn't ask for ID.|You didn't do anything.
And I saw you flirting|with him too...
...all right?|So unprofessional.
You'll lose your job|over this.
Don't threaten me,|you little shit.
I could give a fuck about you|and your rice boy.
I'm not getting fired.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.|Just-- Please, I....
Just-- No one can ever|find out about this.
If this gets out, I'll be expelled.|My life will be over.
If that money isn't|back by Monday...
...I wouldn't worry about|being expelled.
I'd worry about going to jail.
-Jeannie....|-Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Martin.
BANK MANAGER
Matthew, what's wrong?
Matt, is there something|you want to talk about?
Matthew, honey, what is it?
-Hi.|-Come here.
I'm in so much trouble.
I can't believe|we're even thinking about this.
Well, if you need that kind|of money by Monday....
Yeah-- What are we doing?
I mean, I can't get you|involved in this.
I want to do it.
Why?
Moral fiber.
I'm in.
You haven't heard|the whole plan yet.
Doesn't matter.
Fuck film school.
This is gonna be huge.|This is gonna be my calling card.
-No.|-Klitzy....
-No way.|-Klitz...
...you know I wouldn't ask for|this unless I really needed it.
Matt believe me,|I want to help you, but-- No.
-We'll get expelled and--|-Klitz, shut up.
Do me a favor, okay?
Take a look at us, okay?|Take a good look at us.
Do you know what we are,|the three of us?
-What?|-We're a fucking tripod.
-A tripod?|-Yeah.
And you know what that means?
That means that if you kick out|one of our legs, then we all fall.
Come on, baby.
Fuck.
I know it was you, Klitzy.
-Where is she?|-Oh, there they are. Hey.
-Hey!|-Hi, Danielle.
Hi.
-Hey, let's get our luggage!|-Yeah.
-Yeah!|-All right?
-I'll be there in a minute.|-Okay!
So if I pull this off,|I get the 25 grand on Sunday?
Kid, you pull this off I'll|take care of your little Samsung.
Samnang.
Whatever.
Have a nice prom, kid.
-All right, minions, over here.|-Good luck.
Relax, relax.
You know what?|Go wait in the car. Go.
Jesus.
Gentlemen, these are your|prom dates, April and Ferrari.
Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.
Your name is Klitz?
With a K.
Okay, get a two-shot. Minions.|All right, guys, get closer.
Yeah, that's right. Show me|the love. Oh, feel it. Feel it!
-Nice.|-Eli?
Do those girls go to|your school?
Actually, no.
Mrs. Kidman...
-...they're porn stars.|-Oh, yeah, right.
You look....
You-- You look really nice.
Thanks.
You really do, hon.|You look so beautiful.
Really?
Thanks.
WELCOME|TO THE SENIOR PROM
What are all these cameras for?
For video yearbook.
So, what should we do?|Should we start setting up?
Yeah, look, we just gotta|keep this low-key, okay?
Okay. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna get our actors.
-Dude, make sure they can act.|-Yeah, all right.
-Just get out of here, okay?|-Hey, I got this taken care of.
You just show this little lady|a good time tonight, all right?
-Minions, let's move.|-Wait. So, what are we doing?
Relax, relax.
Come on, play it cool,|play it cool.
Look, they're coming to you.
I, Matt.
-What's up?|-What's up?
-Can we talk to you for a second?|-Dude, I'm with my girl here.
-Sorry, man.|-Should we come back?
No, I'll leave you guys alone.
What's up?
Hey, man, what's up|with those girls?
-What about them?|-Are they, like...?
Are they porn stars?
-Yeah.|-Shit.
I knew I recognized them.|I knew it.
-Can we meet them?|-Yeah.
How'd you boys|like to be in a movie?
-What are these?|-Your scripts.
Sign the release|form at the top.
Come on, you guys, wait up!
PHOTO RELEASE
Are these our actors?
Just these two.
What about me, dude?
Sorry, bro.|Party's all full.
Gentlemen.
As an artist, I want it|to come from a truthful place.
Holy shit.
-Ferrari. Ferrari. Focus. Listen.|-Oh, okay.
-Are we...?|-No, I can do this. Don't worry.
Think Meryl Streep,|Sophie's Choice.
Hey.
Hey.
Next location! Come on, move!
Move, move, move! Let's go!
-I gotta be in this.|-Shut up. Take this.
Oh, come on! Take the pain!
Take the pain!|Get up. Come on!
May I have a word with you?
-What's up?|-I found this in the hallway.
Do you know what this is?
No, what is it?
Looks like a release|form for something.
Yeah, I don't|know what it is.
Have a good night.
You're strong.
You're firm.
But you have a secret.
Show that to me.
Thank you.
For what?
I never went to prom.
Excuse me, sir?
We have a problem.
-What's wrong?|-Derek didn't work out.
-What happened?|-Let's just say he wasn't strong...
...or firm.
Guys, I can't work like this.
Okay, relax.|We'll just get somebody else.
There is nobody else.
I thought everyone's|dying to be in this.
Not this scene.
All right.
This is the key scene.
If we don't get this,|Hugo's not gonna buy it.
Yeah, well, somebody's|gotta step up.
-Why are you looking at me?|-Because you're doing it.
Whoa, whoa,|Mr. I-Just-Wanna-Bang-Hot-Chicks.
Here's your first chance.
Klitz, I can't act|and direct, okay?
Oh, okay, fine. I'll direct.
-You're a director now?|-Yeah, I am.
Okay, Spielberg,|what lens will you use?
-It's a video camera.|-So?
Dude, you don't need to change|the lens on a video camera.
You know what? Take this camera|and shove it up your ass!
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
You guys have been great,|but this is my mess.
-I'll clean it up.|-Matt. Matt.
Your face is gonna be in this.|Think about that.
-Come here, baby.|-Let's....
Picture's up, people.
Are you ready, hon?
Yeah.
Okay, let's do this.
And...
...action.
What the hell|is going on in here?
-Nobody move!|-Oh, shit.
Who is in charge of this?
I asked you people|a question!
Who is in charge here?
Fuck it.
All right, everybody,|take five.
What's wrong?
I can't do this.
What happened?
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.|Doesn't matter.
No.
I'll do it.
Klitz, it's cool.|You don't have to-
No, no, I'm doing it.
Why?
Because we're|a fucking tripod.
All right, here we go, people.|Picture's up.
Listen, I know this|is unprofessional...
...but I think|you're really cute.
Yeah, right.
I'm serious.
Really cute.
How we doing, Klitzy?
Fucking great, man.
Let's do this.
And action!
See you guys.
Good night, guys.
So...
...what's the craziest thing|you've done lately?
-Hello?|-We're dead.
-Eli?|-Dude, the tape's not here.
-I can't find it.|-What?
Dude, I'm not kidding, okay?|I've looked everywhere, okay?
All right,|calm down.
No, dude, you calm down!|It's gone!
-What do you mean it's gone?|-I mean it's freaking gone.
Somebody stole it!
Jesus Christ!
Matthew, could you|come in here?
This is Mr. Simon.
He says he has something|very important to discuss with us.
Why don't you sit down.
Actually, if you don't mind...
...may I have a word|with the boy alone first?
Sure.
So how was prom?
-That's mine.|-You know, we were fine.
But now you go and do this?|This was my idea.
Now I'm really gonna|fuck your shit up.
I'm gonna need that back.
Take it from me.
Yeah...
...what are you gonna do?
I don't have to do anything.
Hugo Posh will.
Yeah, he's my partner|on this, 50-50.
So could I please|have my tape back?
Fuck you!
Fuck you.|I'm taking your half then.
No. That money's going to Samnang.|The money you stole from him.
You say that like I care.|I don't give a shit.
You're giving me your half.
And if I don't?
Showtime.
-Okay.|-"Okay," what?
Show them the tape.
I'm not fucking around.
I just don't care anymore.
This...
...is gonna be interesting.
Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger...
...would you mind joining me|in the living room for a second?
Great.
Matthew, is there anything you want|to say before we watch this?
Okay, then. On with the show.
Hello. I'm April.
And I'm Ferrari.
You may recognize us as stars of|the adult entertainment industry.
And today we're taking time|out to talk about...
...a very important subject.
-Sex.|-Sex.
Special events|such as senior prom...
...place added pressure|on young teens...
...to lose their virginity|and engage in unprotected sex.
I know I lost my virginity|at my senior...
...prom. When'd you|lose yours, April?
-When I was 10.|-Moving on.
In this video,|we'll go through.
...everything from kissing|to foreplay.
And for our finale, we'll show you|how to put a condom on properly...
...using a real person.
No cucumbers or bananas|in this video.
So for those of you|naughty boys...
...expecting to see a|raunchy porn video...
...you might as well|turn this off now...
...because you're not|gonna see sex.
What the fuck is this shit?
You're gonna see sex education.
The ELI EXPERIENCE|presents
ADULT EDUCATION|Sex Education for the 21st Century
This is interesting, Matthew.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's|a great idea.
Well, you remember those|sex-ed films back in our day.
Well, I'll tell you, if|they were anything like this...
...we sure would've paid|more attention, don't you think?
I think it's atrocious.
But...
...the hell with it.
The kids today|are so goddamn screwed up...
...maybe this is the only way|you can reach them.
You just might|have something here, Matthew.
I think it's pretty wild.
This could really sell,|don't you think?
How'd you come up|with such an idea, Matthew?
What can I say?
It's like a gift, you know?
It's like I can't control it.
We've Only.|Just Begun.
YEARBOOKS|TODAY!
Courtney Booth. I will always|remember late nights in Cabby--
Eric Zierdal.|I'll always remember--
Kurt Kilgore. I will--
Joseph Croft.
I will always remember wrestling|and the great memories we had.
Matthew Kidman.|I will always remember...
...the three legs of|the tripod.
I'm here with Hugo Posh,|the producer of Adult Education...
...the hottest-selling|sex-education video ever made...
...being utilized in classrooms|across the globe.
Hugo, you're known primarily as|a hard-core pornographer, correct?
My business partner.
Let me break it down for you
See, Hugo Posh isn't just tits.|He isn't just ass.
I mean, yes, he is those things,|but Hugo Posh is also heart.
What an ass-bag.
THE JUICE WAS|WORTH THE SQUEEZE
Fucking kid.
My student advisor.
All right, people.
Let's make some fucky-fucky.
Now, Hugo, you and your partner|have made millions on this.
So who is this silent partner?
Well, he prefers to remain|anonymous.
You better cure cancer, kid.
The next Einstein.
All right.|Yeah, next question.
-All right.|-Eli's calling card.
-How about you, buddy?|-Yeah, Mr. Brooks...
...why did you decide|to skip film school?
Don't you think you're|a little young?
Shut the fuck up!
Next question! Faster!
I got the tape! Can you see?|I got the tape!
For our finale,|I will now demonstrate...
...the proper technique...
...for putting a condom|on the real thing.
Is my volunteer ready?
Klitz's big debut.
Shut up, shut up!|Here he is, here he is.
Jesus, look at that guy.
He is huge.
My own scholarship|to Georgetown.
And of course,|I'll never forget...
...the girl next door.
As for me...
...I'm just going with it.