Girl Walks Into a Bar (2011) Movie Script
1
I'm sorry, I'm waiting for someone.
You are
Uh, under normal circumstances,
I'd never turn you away,
but this is a business meeting.
What kind of business are you in?
Um, I work in real estate,
corporate real estate.
What's your name?
Look, I don't mean to be rude.
I swear if you knew me,
I'm the last guy to
say no to a beautiful-
Wow, you can't even tell me your name?
- Dennis.
- I don't believe you.
- Pardon me?
- Let's start over.
No, let's not- I'm not- I can't-
I, I is this like, uh...
You're
- are you a professional?
A professional what?
- I don't..
- I'll tell you my name.
My name is Driver.
You're kidding me.
No, I don't have a sense of humor.
- You're Driver?
- Yes.
- Frank didn't mention that..
- I had a vagina?
It's not his job to talk
about my genitals, Nick.
Jesus
I don't know how I feel about this.
Oh, if it changes things for you.
Well, yeah, it changes things.
By all means, pay attention to that.
How do I know for sure it's you?
You have a dental practice
on Wilshire and Doheny,
you've been married two
and a half years to Karen,
second marriage for you,
Your dog is named Hendrix,
you drive a Land Cruiser,
you hired Frank eight weeks ago.
Okay okay
You're not a cop, are you?
Do I look like a cop?
No
Frankly you look like
a Playmate of the month.
Want to frisk me?
What?
Do you want to pat me down?
Are you messing with me, I can't tell.
I already told you, I
have no sense of humor.
- Are you wired?
- What?
Are you wearing a wire right
now recording our conversation?
- Of course not.
- Open your shirt.
Here?
You go to the gym three times a week,
what's the problem?
My turn
Jesus Christ, what are you doing?
It's LA, Nick, nobody notices
some chick lifting her shirt.
So how do We uh
how does this work?
Frank didn't walk you through it?
He said the less I knew the better
and it'd be done within the week.
That's pretty much all there is to it.
If you knew me, you'd realize
I'm really the most harmless guy.
We're all pretty harmless
until we're cornered, Nick.
Sometimes we find ourselves
in an unbearable situation,
options dry up and we
resort to drastic measures.
It's called survival.
I'm not a shrink, I'm not a priest,
you don't need to
justify yourself to me.
But I'm no idiot, I realize these things
go south more often than moi
Well, not exactly more
often than not, but yes,
there's always a risk.
Thing to remember with cops
regardless of what you read
in detective novels or watch on TV,
theyre pretty dumb
Until they're not.
If you feel so strongly about it,
maybe you should get up, walk away
and we never had this conversation.
I'm passed that point...
and Frank says you're the best
Well, I don't like to brag,
but you're welcome to ask around.
How did you learn to do this?
Why, you writing a book?
No, I'm sorry, I'm just-
It helps me to talk this through.
The less you know about
me, the better all around.
Yeah
I helped liberate Kuwait.
I learned on the job exactly
how to be all that I can be.
Strange Work!
Safer for you trust me
How do you mean?
In this line of work, you
can't imagine the amount of guys
who fall for their targets
and then you've bought yourself
a world-class headache.
No kidding?
Most men see themselves as saviors,
they want to fix things.
Main problem between men
and women right there,
women like to talk about
their problems in detail
ad nauseam
Men just want to fix them
and move onto something
more stimulating.
- Yeah.
- Like blow jobs, sure.
Why did you say that out loud?
A lot of guys don't have
the ovaries for this job.
Now, what's it gonna be?
Do it.
That's 20K
But half before, Frank said.
I remember what Frank said.
Well, I don't have it on me.
I can go, I can get it.
I can be back within two hours.
I'll be here.
Ah, so that's it then?
Until you bring me the
first half and I give you
instructions on how to
get me the second half.
Frank will handle that.
After tonight, you'll never see me again
and your wife will be dead.
No misunderstandings,
let me hear you say it.
No misunderstandings.
I want her dead.
No misunderstandings.
I want her dead.
- Sam.
- Did you get it?
- I got it.
- Great work.
Just hold on to that tape,
let's see where he goes.
Right, he said he'd be back
here in a couple of hours.
Perfect
- Hold on!
- Sorry.
Just sit back, relax,
have a drink on me.
Two even
Talk to you soon.
Hey sorry about that
Oh, no problem.
I'd like to make it up to you.
No need
Here you go
I see you're the kind of
guy that takes initiative.
Is that bad?
No, it'll serve you well.
Don't they card people any more?
I'm older than I look.
- 12?
- Cheers.
- Henry.
- Francine.
Can I ask you a question, Francine?
It depends
By some miracle of circumstance,
I happened to look over there
and you were lifting
your shirt for that guy.
Hmm, that's not a question.
My question, and call
me a hopeless romantic,
is about the extraordinary
possibility of those being real.
Could they be?
You need a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend.
- Where is she?
- Stood me up.
Aw, a tale of woe,
playing on my sympathy.
Good luck with that.
Are you waiting for someone?
Nope, just gonna sit here
and watch you shoot some pool.
I'm not very good.
Hmm, what would a pool shark say?
I could teach you.
How do you know I'm not one?
That's a good point.
Maybe you flash guys and take
them for all they're worth.
You'll never know.
But what I love most
of all is photography.
Some of my teachers say I
have a real knack for it.
I get myself into dangerous situations
and document them
People seem to trust me.
Like gang bangers and
bikers, weird-ass freaks
who by all means should be
kicking the crap out of me.
They don't find me threatening.
They tell me stuff.
It's a weird talent.
What?
You remind me of my ex-husband.
No, he had some good qualities.
Okay, he's a son of a bitch,
but he once had a great ass
Wow, I feel objectified here.
Tell me the truth,
did you pick the bathroom lock earlier?
Because I know for a
fact that I locked it.
That sounds all wrong.
Truth is I was just
looking for an excuse
to talk to you.
You weren't trying to get
into the bathroom with me?
No, that's not very gentleman-like.
Not to mention unhygienic.
On that note, I'll be right back.
Which way did he go?
I don't know.
She just walked out on her bill.
- Is he a regular?
- No.
Hey, your friend said you'd settle it.
He is not my friend.
Well you looked pretty friendly to me.
Yeah, well, he stole my wallet
with my keys, everything.
Jesus, do you want me to call the cops?
No! no cops
You have never seen him before?
No
I have.
- Really?
- Yeah, a couple weeks ago,
I saw him hitting on this
little hottie at the Tonga Hut.
Okay, do you know her name?
No, but she has a
tattoo on her shoulder.
it says "Lucky you "
Listen, here is my number,
you hear anything, you call me.
And the tab?
I just told you he stole my wallet.
Yeah so you say
- What, you think this
is some elaborate routine
to not pay you, I'm a cop.
- You're a
cop? - Ex-cop.
And he stole your wallet.
Save it, I'll find him,
I'll be back in an hour.
Teri: The roaming eye alights
a solitary, young woman
walking through a den of ill repute.
You know this place or
surely know one like it.
These so-called palaces of sin
where young women in flimsy
underwear gyrate robotically
while male patrons with an otherwise
catastrophically moldy grasp of
male-female communication skills
try out their studliest one-liners
amidst a barrage of staring
and drooling and wagging of tongues.
The clientele at these places
is fairly interchangeable.
You've met one peeler bar
customer, you've met them all.
These guys seem to only listen
to Motley Crew or maybe Zeppelin
and love to play golf.
They usually vote for the
most conservative politician
as long as he looks
and sounds like a jock.
Now that we've established our setting,
let me take this opportunity
to introduce the young woman
with what the consensus of the day,
would surely deem an
extraordinary behind
and a practiced strut.
That would be me, stage name... Trix.
Catholic name... Teresa Augustina,
preferred name... Teri.
One look at me, all supple
youth and feline affectation,
you'd correctly assess I
neither stand out nor blend in.
Appearing by all conventional notions
to simply be one more apathetic
skin-trade participant.
The type of girl with
little or no connection
to the bra burning
activists of yesteryear.
Lucky you, says dare number one.
Dare number two occupies
a more private place.
Although here the term
private is relative,
like all my lucid
revelations are relative,
like my loathing for
gentlemen such as this one,
is relative.
What do you say I take you
far away from all these creeps
and I show you a dozen tricks
I can do with my tongue?
Loathsome because, well,
it's just hideous how he
assumes everybody else is a creep
but not him and his
horrifying invitation.
And relative because I'm pretty
sure he's my second cousin.
However, none of this
occupies my thoughts
as I apply my war
paint and tuck and cover
all my fetishized bits,
those parts deemed the most exciting
in the fashion of the moment.
No, what occupies my
thoughts is the reminder
that I'm not a woman of action.
I'm a woman of will,
but I can't believe in my
will unless I act from it.
Onstage is where I truly
come alive, where I shine,
where I kick serious ass.
You're coming for drinks after, right?
I can't tonight, sorry.
This is the highlight of my day.
The rest is paste.
When their eyes and
crotches are hot-wired
to my every tiniest single move,
that's when I stop time
and I become myself, the real me.
Theresa the Astonishing!
But you already knew that.
Cunning feats of mentalism
and supernatural amusements
performed with the drop of a hat.
Theresa the Astonishing can tell
with the blink of an eye
that Ricky here is obsessed
with his neighbor Colette
and that her complete dismissal
of his pathetic advances
has caused him to purchase
some gamma hydroxyl butyrate
to slip into her drink later tonight.
That Jimmy is secretly, deeply in love
with his best friend Roger,
even though he's assisted
his sociopathic friend
more than once in bashing what
Roger here so sweetly calls,
"Dumb-ass homo pussies."
That Emir Horsain beats his mistress.
That Regis Blackburn Senior
raped his wife repeatedly.
That Marko Castillano is
deep-down a sensitive man
who could potentially
learn to respect women,
but then he does that and you realize
he's got a Way to go
Maybe he doesn't need
all this trust fund cash.
That in his longing for
female companionship,
Nestor "Needle Dick"
Molina, has been harassing
a mute, young clerk
at the public library,
humiliating her with
his dirty insinuations.
- Are you sorry?
- Sorry?
I'm doing her a favor.
What's the problem?
No problem, Needle Dick.
Lei me see it
See What- Hey what are you-
Sometimes Teresa feels mischievous.
Sometimes she can go too far.
But that's why she's
called astonishing, people.
Hmm, three inches.
I suppose he could be a grower.
Sensitive question, Nelson,
are you a grower or a show-er?
Don't lie now, this is vital.
I'm a grower.
You lyin'
Too bad
The whole game is rigged against us.
Somebody's gotta tip the
scales once in a while.
Pow pow pow
Die, little douche bags.
The women of the world sleep
a little cozier tonight.
They are such
world-class jerks tonight.
I don't know how you do it.
Gotta lighten up, babe.
I hate this job.
Hey baby cakes
No, perfect timing, I just finished.
Okay celosita.
Eye
A wife wants to take her
husband to a strip club
for his birthday, all right?
So they go to the strip club,
doorman sees the guy
he says "Hey Dave how you been?"
Walking in, the wife says,
"How did he know your name?
You been to this strip club before?"
He says, "No, no, no, that
guy's on the bowling team.
We bowl every Thursday
night together," right.
Sit down at the table,
waitress comes over and says,
"Hey, Dave, you want the usual?"
She brings him over a Budweiser.
She says, "Wait a minute,
how did that woman know
you drink Budweiser?"
He says, "Well, she's on
the ladies bowling team,
they all know what I drink.
Come on, relax."
Next thing you know,
a stripper comes over,
jumps right on his lap and says,
"Hi, Davey, you want
the usual lap dance?"
That's it, the wife picks
up her bag, leaves the place.
Dave runs after her, he goes outside.
She's just jumping into a cab.
He opens the door, he jumps
in behind her, he says,
"Look,honey,honey, I'm telling you,
that...that woman must have
thought I was somebody else."
She's not having it, the wife,
she's screaming at the top of her lungs,
calling him every name in the book.
The cab driver turns around
at that moment and says,
"Looks like you picked up
a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Bill - Billy, Billy, can't you see
we're playing cards, you know?
This guy's giving me a headache.
He said it's urgent.
Aw, Billy
All right, be right back.
Don't look at my cards.
Hey
Mr. Aldo, I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to interrupt you.
I know you?
Yo, it's Nick.
Nick.
Nicholas, your dentist.
My dentist?
Nick, you almost gave me a heart attack.
I'm in the middle of a game,
my mind is elsewhere.
What are you doing here?
Um, actually it's about the funds.
The funds?
Yeah, you know, the money I gave
you to hold for me to invest.
The remember the 20 grand?
Yeah, I remember.
- You need it?
- I do.
Right now?
Yeah, sorry for the late notice.
I tried to get in touch
with you, I left you
- a couple of messages,
but... You called my house?
Yeah
You speak to my wife?
Yes
How did she sound?
Did she sound out of breath?
What?
I'm just kidding you.
I trust my wife
implicitly on all matters.
Give me ten minutes,
I'm finishing this hand,
I'll get you your money.
See I'm in a little bit of a hur-
No, no, no, just have a drink
Tommy, give my dentist a drink.
There's a singer coming up,
really good voice, relax.
Dress
Excuse me?
Dress mess
Uh, I got no idea what
you're talking about.
Down with the manners up with the dress.
Johnny sweet-talked
Alice into this mess.
Is that some kind of a rhyme?
Into duress.
You some kind of poet?
Now, now she's depressed
- Now who's depressed?
- That could work.
Down with the manners,
up with the dress.
Johnny sweet-talked
Alice, now who's depressed?
It's ambiguous.
Could be Johnny's the
one who's depressed.
I get it, you're the singer here.
Teddy Wright.
Nick.
Are you in some sort of trouble?
Why do you say that?
You just got a puzzling way about you.
You know, you should
mind your own business.
Well, I didn't mean to antagonize you.
I was just under the impression
that a bar is like a church,
a place where a guy
can go to be left alone
and think in peace.
One would think so.
Yeah, one would be wrong, wouldn't one?
Don't get all riled up now.
I'm just saying.
Man: One more time, Teddy Wright.
Farewell, my sinking ship.
Down with the manners up with the dress
Johnny sweet talked Alice into this mess
No you don't bring checkers
to the big game of chess
You know that only bad can come
Down with the shutters
up with the lights
Johnny sweet-talked Alice
all through the night
No world full of kisses
gonna make it all right.
You know that only bad can come
Listen to your ma
Listen to your pa
Listen to your heart
Listen to the law
Only bad can come
Down with the manners up with the dress
Johnny sweet-talked
Alice now who's depressed
Now you don't bring checkers
to the big game of chess
You know that only bad can come
You know that only bad can come "
Dentist, I got the good
news and I got the bad news.
The good news, I have
your money, don't worry,
but I can't give it to you tonight.
I don't see how that's good news for me.
No that's the bad news
Um, okay, I just really-
I need that money tonight.
I
- I know, but I don't have it here.
Yeah, it's right there.
I can't get it until tomorrow.
But I-
I just-
I need it, I really need it tonight.
I understand.
That's why when Billy told me his idea,
I said, "Ah-ha!
We kill two birds, one
stone, everybody's happy."
What idea?
Billy has to go pick
something up for me tonight,
but he can't go alone.
So he said, why don't you go with him?
This way you can get your money.
What does he have to pick up?
- Money.
- Money... for you.
Yeah money for me
Look, Mr. Aldo, I mean,
all due respect here,
I don't want to get
involved in your business.
What business is that?
It's none of my business.
Don't get cute with me,
what business is that?
I don't know, I'm a dentist.
Oh, oh, so that okay, you're a dentist.
That means you're not
accountable for what you say?
What business?
Look, all I'm saying is,
you know, you know some guys.
I know some guys?
Yeah, sure, I know some guys.
BMW knows some guys
Everybody knows some guys
Well, for example, I don't.
I don't know any guys,
that's all I'm saying.
All you're saying.
Yeah
But it's how you're
saying, is a little...
I don't know.
A more sensitive man might
think you might be insulting him.
No no no no-no no
That is the last thing I want to do.
Good, then the quicker
you go with Billy,
the quicker you get your 20Gs
- Howdy
- Howdy
What can I get you?
I'm looking for a
girl I here comes here,
she's got a tattoo on her
shoulder that says, "Lucky you."
Oh, well, lots of people come here.
I can't check out every tattoo.
Is that her?
No
How can you be sure?
I'm not, I don't know.
Why pick her and not her?
You didn't look
surreptitiously in her direction
when I mentioned the tattoo.
You want a drink or what?
Look, she's not in any
trouble, but a guy she knows is
and I don't have a lot
of time to find him.
I just serve drinks, you know?
Help me out?
Some of the girls from Chick
Planet come here after work.
I think maybe I've seen
Lucky eat with those two.
You are a princess.
What are they drinking?
Uh, Tonga Lei and a Zombie.
Lei's do two more of those
I'm looking for a friend
of yours with a tattoo
that says "Lucky you"
She's not in trouble,
but a guy she knows is,
and I need to find him right away.
What did he do?
He stole my wallet...
but that's not what I'm after.
- Sorry it's not funny
- Yeah, Sorry
He took evidence from
a case I'm working on.
- Did you do him?
- Excuse me?
Friggin' Henry mam
That's him.
- Did you do him?
- Excuse me?
- He's really suave.
- He's not a bad kid.
Are you gonna arrest him?
He just loves himself the ladies.
I don't care about him except
to get back what he took.
I don't know where he is.
Well, what about his girlfriend?
What girlfriend?
The one with the tattoo.
- Teri?
- That's his sister.
Can you call her?
She should be here any minute,
but I don't know that
she knows where he is.
Okay, this is a
life-or-death situation.
Henry's secret is that he's a
really talented photographer.
So he said.
He did?
That's unlike him, he's usually
very modest about that stuff.
I think it's because he
really cares about it.
What are you good at?
What do you mean?
You look like you're
really good at something,
and I can't figure out what it is.
Me, I prefer to be
amused than to be amusing,
but this weed is making me so paranoid.
I'm usually really articulate.
No problem.
It all goes back to my
fear of being buried alive.
You're afraid of that?
I think about it a lot.
Detective!
Yeah yeah second Worst
What's worse?
Dying in your sleep.
Why... that seems like the best way.
That's what they want you to think.
- Who? -
Grown-ups.
The people running things
and the church, you know?
They don't really want you
to stop and think about it.
How so?
Well, everybody thinks
that dying in your sleep
is the best way to go, but
it scares the hell out of me.
I mean, what if you're
having a nightmare
and you're being chased by someone
or you're about to jump off a cliff
and then you have a
heart attack and die?
I mean, everybody just thinks,
"Oh, they went
peacefully, it's so great.
Okay, I have a problem
with authority, I admit it.
Blah blah blah.
It is the worse way to go.
I just left her a
message and I texted her,
so We just gotta Watt
Thank you
No friggin' way, look
who just walked in.
Oh no
Who is it?
A real creep from Chick Planet,
he must have followed us.
He's in love with Teri.
Don't look over, don't look.
Detective Francine Driver.
He's coming over.
Lathes
hey, do you know what winks
and screws like a tiger?
No
I'm Ralph.
Detective Francine Driver.
Okay, pirate captain Ralph,
expert at pillaging booty.
We're off work, man, give us a break.
It's a free country, right?
We didn't ask you to sit down.
Now if I told you that
you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?
Those are the worst pick-up
lines I've ever heard.
You're bothering my friends.
But moi you?
Me, oh no, I'm enjoying this.
See, I could tell from across the room
that you were a woman of taste.
I'm Ralph.
You already said that.
Did I?
Well, it is so hard to concentrate
with the three of you,
you're like a club sandwich from heaven.
Maybe this is the time.
Maybe I should introduce
a more personal note.
You married, Ralph?
Yeah,you love your wife?
You got kids?
You carry their pictures
around in your wallet?
You want to see 'em'?
No, what I want is for you
to apologize to my friends...
I'm sorry.
And never see them again.
I won't.
- Not even at the club?
- Not even at the club.
See, one loser approaches them,
pretty soon all losers assume
they can waltz right on over
and strike up a conversation.
It's a slippery slope, and
they can't afford to lose
that kind of credibility.
So no more Chick Planet for you.
But I'm a VIP there.
Not any more, stop
living in the past, Ralph.
It's time to go.
Okay
Get up mow
Okay
All the way to your
car, yeah, keep walking.
You just blew my mind.
Detective!
I love you.
I just remembered where
Teri was going tonight.
Just came to you, huh?
Okay, I have a problem
with authority, I admit it.
Don't tell her I'm a detective,
just let me talk to her.
Okay
Bottoms up, partner
Can I buy you one?
So, how you doing, Katie?
You getting some on a regular basis?
My name's Camilla.
Creature as good looking as you,
I sure hope you're getting some.
Well, thanks for the concern.
Wait, stay.
I'll bet you we got something in common.
My name is Dodge, in
case you were wondering.
I haven't gotten some in so long.
Might tonight, though.
I don't know.
So, what, it's your birthday?
Coming out party.
You're gay
Coming out from someplace else.
Oh you're a tough guy
Let's not put labels on a man.
Life is unfriendly enough as it is.
You want another one?
I want you to tell me
what's bothering you.
Me?
Nothing.
You were on the phone earlier.
What was that all about?
You eavesdropping on me?
I read lips real good,
little talent you develop inside.
You're bluffing.
Are we playing cards?
Bluffing to try to get me to
reveal something about myself.
"Emmet, it's me again.
I don't mean to be a pest."
Now first of all, a woman
like you could never be a pest.
You don't have the tone of voice for it.
You know, you gotta have a
certain screechiness, you know?
How did you hear that?
"I meant it when I said
I don't need a commitment,
"but there is a game being played
I don't want to be any part of."
- Okay, okay, stop.
- Who is Emmet?
Nobody
Some guy, my neighbor.
You're having a fling
with your neighbor?
Is he married?
Divorced.
T gotta get back to Work
What work?
How long you been dating this guy?
Weeks, months?
It's been seven, eight months.
He's not your upstairs neighbor?
What if he is?
Bedroom isn't just above yours?
It is.
That's your trouble right there.
So, when you're not out with
him, he says he's at home,
you hear his bed springs creaking.
He's got some other broad up there?
So what do I do?
You have to move...
and you might want to put
up a couple more of those,
my kids are about to show up.
How do you know?
I can feel them.
Teri: All words have double meanings,
even the small words all
bundled up in death and sex and-
What is this?
Just take a deep breath
You're an asshole.
Teri!
Let her go!
Do yourself a favor and
never have a daughter.
Cuddliest little things
until about the age of 12,
then be prepared to be banished forever.
I once dodged a bullet from her.
True story, not a figure of speech.
Sorry, Dodge, she gets so emotional.
Lei her be
Ah, Tatiana, Annabel?
This is my kid.
- Thanks
- Mm-hmm
I've been dreaming...
that I can't sleep.
I wake up exhausted every morning.
I got this bag for you.
Yeah
All words have double meanings,
even the littlest of ones.
That's why you can't trust words, Henry.
I got this for you, too.
It's Spanish, antique.
It's for food.
I'm glad you're out.
Women are the most
resilient of creatures.
You can do anything you want to a woman,
and maintain her respect.
You can forget a romantic anniversary,
you can cheat on her
with her best friend.
You can pop her in the
rear once in a while
just to change the pace of things.
But you must never never
let her smell your poop.
This is my gift to you, son.
Never forget it
Thanks, Dad
Keep it tight.
I'll cherish it.
You ready for another one?
Do you mind if I ask you something?
What's in the suitcase?
Bones
What is that, like,
slang for domino bones?
Human
Skeleton.
So why does he like
- carries those around?
Puts them together and
he takes them apart.
Helps him relax.
He used to be a science teacher.
You okay?
Are you close with your dad?
He died last year.
Thai sucks
Yeah
He had Alzheimer's.
I spent all Christmas with
him watching soccer on TV.
European League
He had no idea who was playing.
He'd start rooting for a team
and them ask me who it was
I'd leave the room and walk back in
and he'd greet me with this huge smile.
Ask me all sorts of questions.
Soon enough he didn't know
who I was, what anything was.
Suddenly you realize that
all we are is our memory.
Life doesn't mean anything
unless you can remember it.
Excuse me
Hello?
You Henry?
Yeah
It's your sister.
Nice going.
Because he wanted to surprise you.
Look, Teri, I'm still trying
to figure this out myself, okay?
How many years ago was that?
The man beat me, too, but I got over it.
You stole his Cadillac and he got mad
and so he shaved your head
while you were sleeping.
It wasn't the most fatherly thing to do,
but it happened
Okay, I'll be right over.
Family.
What was that for?
In case I get Alzheimer's
and I forget that I
really wanted to do that.
Hey, guys!
- Hey, June!
- How you doing, girl?
Oh, you know, can't complain.
How's the acid reflux?
Way better.
I switched to white
wine like you suggested,
and, oh, my God, huge difference.
Well, I told you.
Yeah, but I gotta admit...
I'm still eating chocolate.
Well, some things you
just can't give up.
I know, I mean, I've cut way
down, but it's just so hard.
Y'all feeling limber tonight?
Ready for trouble, baby.
Oh, well, have fun.
Hey Mr Trombone
How you doing, sweetheart?
Not too shabby.
Where's the missus?
Aw, she's upset with me.
Oh, what did you do this time?
Don't don't
- don't get me started.
I took her to the race
track, Hollywood Park?
Yeah?
I like to humor her with some bets
and she always picks the
horse with the cutest name.
I mean, Fluffy Banana.
Who the hell names
their horse that, huh?
I mean it kind of
makes you wonder, right?
So you didn't place the bet?
No, I couldn't, you know, I
put the money on Silver Prelude,
now that's one hell of a damn horse.
You know, you've been through
this before, Mr. Trombone.
That son of a bitch beats
my horse out by a nose
in a photo finish.
Muriel almost crapped her pants.
30 to 1 odds on Fluffy Banana.
I mean, how could I put
money on a horse like that?
Aw, I'm sorry, Mr. Trombone.
Ah, anyway, you know Muriel.
I'm getting the treatment.
Yeah, she'll come around.
She always does.
At least the house is quiet.
I got that to look forward to,
and I, you know, I got my health.
Have you lost weight?
Yeah, maybe, I mean she hasn't
fed me since that happened.
But, you know, I'll
probably put it back on.
Don't worry.
I'm not.
Have fun tonight.
You too sweetheart
You should probably wear this.
Hey, guys, it's members-only night.
Well, that's a good thing,
because this is a
members-only hold-up.
- Jesus Christ!
- Jesus Christ!
Wallets, purses, jewelry, go, go, go!
Hey, you should probably put that on
or she's gonna pick
you out in a line-up.
It takes an average of 15 seconds
to form a personal picture
of someone in a crisis.
Or would you rather I just shoot her?
Jesus Christ, put it on!
No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
I'll put it on, you don't
have to do that- -why-
Shut up, why don't you just
go watch the door, okay?
Right.
Hey, fill up this bag, fill
it up, watches, watches, okay?
Here
No, not that one, the gold one.
Okay
Okay were you go
What the hell would I want
to do with a plastic watch?
I don't know.
Hey,hey, what are you doing?
I told you to go watch the door.
I don't want to have to kill this bitch.
No, no, don't
- don't, don't kill her.
Not that door, go park your
ass in front of the curtain,
make sure nobody is peeking in.
Ah, phones, too, the phones?
Oh here
Great, great, you're doing great.
You've got great eyes, by the way.
Yeah, they just hit you like, bam!
Spring-loaded glove
to the face, ha-ha-ha!
I'm sure you've heard
that before, though.
Please don't hurt me, okay?
I just work here part-time.
Well, what do you want to be?
I'm studying to be a dental hygienist.
What are the chances, he's a dentist.
I'm a dentist.
Hey, by the way, how
are we looking in there?
I
- I don't know.
Why don't you check, Einstein?
Make sure nobodys peeking in, okay?
What?
Can you believe these perverts?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I doubt it.
Aldo always says I don't
see the big picture,
well, now I see it and it's panoramic.
What's panoramic?
You know, like a wide-screen
TV with the black bars
at the top and the bottom.
Yeah, I know what the word means.
All right, then let's take
some pictures of these yahoos.
We already have their
names and addresses.
I will bet they would pay
beaucoup bucks to make sure
those pictures don't get
to their kids' schools,
their bosses and whatnot.
Why don't you just let them be, okay?
Because blackmail never works.
What do you know about it?
Because I tried it once in high school.
You should listen to her.
- Take your clothes off.
- What?
- Get in there.
- What are you doing?
This is a robbery, people!
What are you doing?
All right, get in there, take 'em off.
She just Works here Why does she have to
take off her clothes?
Because I want to see
what she looks like.
I am not taking off my clothes.
Okay, look, listen, just-
All right, leave her be,
I'll take my clothes off.
Why would I want you to
take off your clothes?
True
Well, if you're gonna pick on somebody,
pick on that guy over there.
Why him?
He looks mean.
No,see, I like his girlfriend.
That is not his girlfriend.
Hey, you, come here!
- Me?
- Yes, you.
- Let's be gentlemen about...
- Hey, shut up
Yes you come here come on sugar ms
We don't have all day.
Don't call her sugar tits!
You think that's loaded?
What am I, stupid?
You're just saying that.
That one's for show, this one's loaded.
So if I squeeze this
trigger, nothing happens?
Squeeze away compadre.
Damn it
All right, doll face,
let's see what you got.
Leave her alone!
Get out of here, run, everybody run!
Oh, my God, is that you?
No no shh
So you know about Otis?
Is that really you?
No no Karen no that's moi me
This isn't me.
It's not what it looks like.
I am so ashamed.
No, no, don't cry, Karen-
No, no, no, not here.
But when those guys came into the bar,
before I realized it was you,
a single thought came into my head.
First I thought terrorists,
but then it just hit me, like a hammer,
and everything became clear.
I have been so misguided and so selfish,
telling myself that I need
something more from life,
something dangerous, something exciting,
and you are the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me
Okay, I'm here, you big baby.
You set me up?
I didn't know she was gonna do that.
Now get off him.
- Oh, shit, she's a cop.
- Ex-cop.
- You ripped off a cop?
- Ex-cop.
I didn't know.
How stupid could you be?
Can I just say you look
really great from this angle?
See where your hand is, that's a felony.
I was right, though: real.
This better be intact.
I swear, I didn't touch it.
The cash I did spend.
It was an emergency, I'm so sorry.
You spent her cash on Dodge?
Hit him again.
Hey, stop trying to help me, honestly.
Is that me, where is it?
Yeah, it's right there.
Sam, hold on one sec.
Oh, really?
Stay
He fessed up to the whole thing.
What, to you?
No, he fessed up to his wife.
How do you know?
He came clean, soup to
nuts, and she forgave him.
She forgave him?
That's not all.
In the scuffle, a gunshot went off,
and guess whose leg
got hit with the bullet?
The wife's lover.
Bingo.
Okay, so we got him on manslaughter.
No, an accident.
Oh. come on.
I have a room full of naked witnesses
to corroborate it.
Why are they naked?
Wait until you get a load of this.
There is a nudist ping-pong
club in Silver Lake.
The shooting was at the Cracker Shack?
You've been there?
No, I've just seen the sign driving by.
There is no sign, it's members-only.
What can I tell you, I love ping-pong.
A Chopin martini up,
olives, not dirty, bruised.
Two
I felt really bad stealing from you,
but I just want to say one thing.
What?
I bet you're the kind of
woman that looks great naked.
Unbelievable, that sounds
like the guys from my work.
Better than you can ever imagine.
I have a highly developed imagination.
Oh, barf city, Greedo,
you're killing me.
I mean way beyond.
But you'll never know.
Oh poor baby
Turned down by Officer Mucha Muchacha.
Shut up.
Golly, articulate.
Thank you
Shut up.
So willing to engage.
You do, however, owe me big time.
Anything, name it.
You know a bar called
the Bigfoot Lodge?
- Cop bar?
- Mm-hm.
What of it?
I want you to pick a
cop's wallet for me.
Intriguing, is this
like some kind of test,
pick a cop's wallet?
Not just any cop, my ex-husband
Wow, this idea keeps sounding worse.
Why, he won't pay alimony?
Well, he has a picture
he won't give back
and he keeps showing all his friends.
It's really starting to piss me off.
Are you naked in it?
What's with the one-track mind?
Maybe
If I steal it, am I allowed to see it?
You're not exactly in a
position to negotiate here.
Hope strings eternal.
Okay, who writes your dialogue?
Okay, you steal it first,
you get it back to me
without him noticing,
then we will discuss further terms.
But first, we gotta make a stop.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
Yes
Yeah, I think you can give
her a little more considering.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
So where's this Bigfoot?
It doesn't get going for another hour.
What do undercover
detectives do for fun?
Teach me to shoot some pool.
Him?
I taught him everything he knows.
She's right, you guys start without me.
First round of beer is on me.
Is he gonna make a run for it?
Nah, he's totally dishonest
until he gives you his word,
then he's the most loyal
puppy dog in the world.
Thanks
What's a smart girl like you doing
taking off her clothes
for pocket change?
What's a smart girl like you doing
playing cops and robbers?
I need the medical.
Profound me too
Go for the three
Is he really a good photographer?
His portraits are surprisingly good.
It's impossible for people
to not let their guard down
around him, it's weird.
So if he asks to take
your picture, beware.
Don't do it?
No, do it
but you've been warned.
Who is teaching me
here, you or your sister?
go for the ten,
You're not going for the ten, are you?
Leave her alone.
The nine is all set up.
Who is teaching me
here, you or your sister?
I thought you asked me.
Come on, pilgrim, go
get us another round.
Who's the shark here?
Beginner's luck.
You're full of shit, Detective.
- Doing the sweet slide.
- Thin Cap.
- Erin Yorkid.
- Thin Kitty.
Getting the little man
in the boat to go fishing.
- You made that up.
- Sounds legit to me.
Oh, God!
Okay, checking for depth.
Cleaning my fur coat.
Petting the petunia.
Baby in the kitty.
I already said it.
Okay, automatic pilot.
Uh, finding yourself.
Digging for gold.
Gilding a lily.
Letting your fingers do the walking.
Coming into your own.
Tickling my fancy.
Uh, uh, spelunking in the mystery cave.
- Time!
- What?
Spelunking in the mystery cave.
Let's go steal a wallet.
That's moi a Word
It's a word, it means exploring.
Okay, triple or nothing.
No, I say we pick this up later.
Let's go steal a wallet.
That's mine.
Thank you
So we should just sit down and,uh...
can I get you a drink?
Anything, as long as it's whiskey.
Two Macallans, rocks
I just had a near-death
experience, officer.
Yes, you did.
Uh, Detective.
It's the kind of thing
you imagine happens
to somebody else, never you.
It can be very traumatic.
I read somewhere that when
something horrible happens,
you know, like a senseless tragedy
or a terrorist attack or, you know,
an incident where you suddenly realize
that you could die that very instant,
that all you want to do
suddenly is eat and drink
and smoke and have sex
Is that how you feel?
No
Well, it could take a
little while to kick in,
you're still on shock
You know, that's what
they mean when they say
life is cheap in all those
third-world countries.
But they just keep on
drinking and screwing.
Even in India where
they just did this study
that the average penis is
shorter than in other places.
Did you read that?
I can't say that I have.
Okay, the BBC reported
that condoms made according
to international sizes
are just too large
for most Indian men.
She'll have another one.
Actually make it two.
So, you had some more questions for me?
Yes, basic stuff.
I just don't want to miss
anything on my report.
It's so lucky you were right outside
when that gun went off.
Not just luck, I was
there on a case, June.
I was following one of the perps.
Do you mind if I call you June?
What I don't understand
is why he wanted me
to take off my domes
I mean, you're right in
the middle of a robbery,
adrenaline pumping violence, greed.
Do you really have time to stop
and admire a girl's cha-cha?
These guys they're psychopaths
Yeah
They get off on fear and entry
What I don't understand
is the coincidence
of Nick's ex being there.
Uh, who are you talking about, Silas?
Salazar.
Never heard of him.
No, I'm Salazar, Samuel Salazar.
The perp's name is Billy.
Karen is the other perp's wife, Nick.
Oh yeah Karen
She's his ex?
They're still married.
Have you seen them there before?
Never
Otis seems to have a lot
of luck bringing women
there on their first date.
It takes a certain
kind of, I don't know,
je ne sais quoi to bring a first date
to a nudist ping-pong bar.
Would you?
I'm not much of a player.
Unless he couldn't help himself.
Otis?
BMW the perp
Maybe he just couldn't help himself
and that's why he was
willing to throw away
all that careful planning,
just to get a peek at
me in my birthday suit.
It's kind of like a
Greek myth, you know?
I think you're
romanticizing it a little,
which is perfectly natural.
I don't think that he planned
it all that thoroughly.
I hear the words coming out of my mouth
and I want to cry,
but I can't remember
the last time I cried.
I make eye Contact and
not when I'm supposed to,
spewing platitudes plausible enough
right after the baby is born.
but what I really
want to say to her is-
Did I mention you
set my heart a-flutter
and make me feel all funny inside?
Heaven forbid I go through with it.
I'm the kind of guy who
always bets on the wrong horse.
Me, Samuel Salazar, at your service.
They say women forget the
physical pain of childbirth
right after the baby is born.
That's how come they
can start all over again,
have another child.
I guess I'm not like a woman at all,
because I have a crystal clear memory
of every heartbreak I've
suffered since the age of nine.
I was only conversational then.
Still, I can't help but
wonder if this could be
a true happy ending,
or one more false hope.
It's like a traffic accident,
I know I shouldn't look,
but I can't turn away,
because in my heart of
hearts, wherever that is,
I know the answer does
not lie within words,
but within her eyes.
The world is made up of a
billion little mysteries,
but it's not words that explain them.
Of this, I'm sure.
Do you think I could have developed
Stockholm Syndrome that quickly?
No
I've always wanted to go to Stockholm.
I've never been anywhere.
Have you traveled a lot?
A little, mostly in the United States.
I want to go to Europe...
and Egypt and those raves in Greece
where the music is really
bad and everyone is on ecstasy
and theyre all so super
tanned that it doesn't matter.
Have you been?
No
My friend went once and she said
that nobody spoke the same language,
but no one had anything to say anyways,
so the DJ played the music so
loud that even your eyes hurt.
Thank you for saving my life, Samuel.
I wouldn't go that far.
Is it true that Mexican
men love cunnilingus?
Um
Oh, I'm sorry, that
came off really forward.
I just suddenly feel like I have this
new lease on things, you know?
And there's just no time for
pleasantries and being polite.
I mean, there's barely
enough time to go out there
and get what you want.
My grandfather was Mexican,
I was born here.
Oh, I guess it'd be an
awkward question to ask him.
Yeah, he's
- he passed away anyway.
Took the secret with him.
Do you want to dance?
Not just yet.
I'll be right back.
Mmmm'
Ready for another one?
Probably.
So how's it going, officer?
Detective.
Not going so well, actually.
You seem a little uptight
if you don't mind me saying so.
Actually, I do mind, I'm
trying to figure some stuff out.
- What stuff?
- Personal stuff...
about courage
and what makes us special.
Oh
I thought it was about the girl.
Her too
What's wrong with her?
She's sending me mixed signals.
Hey, Officer Salazar?
Detective.
I'm not wearing any underwear
I wouldn't read between
the lines so much.
You are unique.
There are, I'm sure, uncommon things
that you are particularly good at.
Play to your strong suits, shine.
Don't concentrate on things
that other people have
told you you're no good at.
Relish the talents you have.
And always...
always surround yourself with
people who appreciate you.
Sam?
But if I'm gonna be
completely honest with you,
I haven't had a real
piece of ass since El Paso.
That was one hot, little
lady you had there.
Jewel.
I suppose you banged
her, too, after I left.
Well, I was with my wife
at the time, remember?
She gets manicures, doesn't
she, she goes shopping?
All wives do.
Just saying, where there's
a will there's a way.
Point is I didn't do anything.
Yeah, you wanted to, I can tell.
Empty again.
You ready for another?
No, still working on this.
Mikey did, though.
Chafes me to this day, you know why?
Because if I hadn't
told him she was hooking,
he never would have had the
balls to ask her up to his room.
Guy is a complete pussy when
it comes to talking to women,
especially women with cans like those.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You never noticed how
intimidated he gets around women
who got a great rack?
Never noticed.
He-he-he can't talk,
he st-st-st-stutters.
It must be something in his past.
Mother, I don't know.
You remember how he could
never talk to your ex?
No disrespect.
Nome taken
Guy can't see past a
decent-sized double barrel.
Great looking girl, though.
We're talking about Francine now?
No, I mean, her, too, but, no, Jewel.
What was her real name?
Nice Jewish name.
Oh, man, let me tell you,
that is a lethal combination.
Nice Jewish girl drops out
of school, starts hooking.
Unstoppable.
Night you saw her, what was she wearing?
To be honest, I don't
remember what she had on.
More the shape underneath
didn't leave so much to the imagination.
She had me up like a rock for five days.
Blue steel, I don't mind telling you.
That's a lot of information.
Yeah, I'm not kidding you, man.
We've known each other ten years?
Six.
- A long time.
- Long time.
- Long time
- Long time
At least among the guys on the force,
I consider you a fairly knowledgeable
connoisseur of ass.
I don't know where
you're going with this.
Look, after the divorce,
you've had your fair share of tail.
You know, I'm just going by
the red head with the boots
and the cousins down Cucharacha Way?
Who was that chick you
were with the other night?
Camilla, she's my neighbor.
What did you do, ring her doorbell,
ask her for sugar or something?
She's a good girl.
She's got some issues.
I'm just trying to
loosen her up a little.
Point is, you like it.
What?
Ass!
You mean the actual buttocks
or the general region?
What?
The royal ass, women, dames, skirts.
Sure, I like them.
Yeah, well, see, these guys today,
young guys on the force
they don't seem to think
about it all that much.
Maybe it's a generational shift.
Porn on the Internet, I don't know.
You know, maybe I didn't
think about it as much
when I was younger.
One day it just hit me: Wham!
Full-blown epiphany.
Went from being a hobby
to a full-time occupation.
Chasing skirts.
Yeah, I don't know when it happened.
I don't know why it happened.
At first, it was because
things were terrible
with me and Eileen.
Terrible...
and then it was because she found out,
things between us got worse.
If you want ass, there is no
ass in the whole wide world
like Jewel Kazinsky, El Paso.
I'll keep that in mind.
I gotta go.
Ooh!
- You gonna be all right?
- Sure.
We should call you a cab, Captain.
Speak of the dew
That your ex-wife?
Yes, it is.
You still got that photo?
The photograph you showed me?
Yes, sir.
- You got it?
- Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
I was thirsty.
A thousand bars in this
county, you gotta come here.
Yeah, I like the way
they mix their drinks.
You're something else.
Bar is big enough for both of us,
so why don't you go back to your corner
and I'll be right over here.
You checking up on me?
What is there to check up on?
What is it, you like the aggravation?
Why are you so aggravated, Emmet?
What is it you're not telling me?
I'm not telling you anything,
don't have to any more.
I know you, you're here, it's
because you want something.
Well, rest assured, it isn't you.
Hi.
Emmet.
Yeah, I'm not really a prick, I-
We just have a really bad
history of horrible chemistry.
What's your name?
Teresa
- You?
- Henry.
Hi, could you do me a favor?
You don't have anything.
We're not so good when
we're around each other.
Okay, if I back you up,
what do I get for my trouble?
What do you want?
We're hoping to score some back rubs.
Funny, keep it up, Junior.
Now What?
Now I got him.
You don't have anything.
He's on high alert, he hates
your guts and he's a cop.
Watch and learn.
Get Us a dark booth
Hey, man, where do you get
off calling me junior, huh?
Get your hands off me
How would you like it
if I called you senior
in front of your lady friends?
Lei go of my arm
Why are you so jumpy, man?
What part of this are you
not understanding, punk?
You come into this bar
again, I will kick your ass.
How'd it go?
We're even
Not until you put this back.
I said pick his wallet, not steal it.
Such a sweet sweet mam
Why would you ever divorce him?
It's not here.
This a bad time?
I was out of line.
It's no big deal.
It's a pretty big deal, let me finish.
As Francine may or
may not have told you,
I've been battling
anger management issues
for quite a chunk of time.
Emmet, this is not the time.
I respectfully disagree.
Now I jumped on your friend here
and made an ass out of myself
and I like to think that
we're all grown up enough
that I can rectify it
and we can all enjoy our
evenings at the same location
without it being awkward.
How's everyone doing over here?
- Another round?
- No.
Sure, my treat
Emmet, you really don't have to do that.
I'm sorry I insulted you, man.
Hey, it happens
Have we met?
Uh, I don't know, maybe.
- You a dancer?
- Here we go.
- Yes.
- Exotic.
Yes
I think I've gotten lapped by you.
Emmet has a photographic
memory of every exotic dancer
east of the 405
Now, now, now, let's not exaggerate.
Welcome to paradise.
Emmet, Teri's going
through some stuff right now
and I really, as much as
I appreciate the gesture,
I need some alone time
with her and her brother.
Her brother?
No disrespect.
All righty, that'll be $16 even.
Okay, let me get this.
Why don't I get this?
No, no, no, no, I insist.
Okay
You can keep it
Thank you
You know, we gotta
get going anyways.
No, no, stay
I'll get out of your hair.
You guys, drink in peace
I said what I came to say.
You look like a million
bucks, Detective Driver.
I guess that's that.
That is that.
You guys can go
Why don't you come with us?
Where?
There's an after hours,
starts in a few minutes.
Ah, no, I'm done for the night.
The night hasn't even started.
You guys are really going
somewhere else right now?
We haven't even danced yet.
Can't call it a night out
without a little dancing.
What do you say, Francine?
Lei's get out of here
This place is crawling with cops.
I have something for you.
What?
- You are a son of a bitch.
- I didn't look at it.
- Right.
- I swear to God.
You look like an atheist to me.
Oh, no, I'm a believer.
I knew what it was
right away, but I figured
if I looked at it, it
would wreck my chances.
Of What?
I've been trying to get the
nerve to ask you all night.
I want you to pose
for me, for a portrait.
Why me?
You have this intangible quality.
Try harder
I'm cursed by the blossoming
knowledge of my feminine ideal
and she looks suspiciously like you.
That's not bad
It's pretty good, you mean.
Not a total waste?
How about the truth?
The truth is you're not my usual type.
And what's your usual type?
Gaunt, fashionable and dumb
with a big, square Appalachian ass
and obsessed with country music.
Jesus
Will you at least consider it?
I'm sorry, I'm waiting for someone.
You are
Uh, under normal circumstances,
I'd never turn you away,
but this is a business meeting.
What kind of business are you in?
Um, I work in real estate,
corporate real estate.
What's your name?
Look, I don't mean to be rude.
I swear if you knew me,
I'm the last guy to
say no to a beautiful-
Wow, you can't even tell me your name?
- Dennis.
- I don't believe you.
- Pardon me?
- Let's start over.
No, let's not- I'm not- I can't-
I, I is this like, uh...
You're
- are you a professional?
A professional what?
- I don't..
- I'll tell you my name.
My name is Driver.
You're kidding me.
No, I don't have a sense of humor.
- You're Driver?
- Yes.
- Frank didn't mention that..
- I had a vagina?
It's not his job to talk
about my genitals, Nick.
Jesus
I don't know how I feel about this.
Oh, if it changes things for you.
Well, yeah, it changes things.
By all means, pay attention to that.
How do I know for sure it's you?
You have a dental practice
on Wilshire and Doheny,
you've been married two
and a half years to Karen,
second marriage for you,
Your dog is named Hendrix,
you drive a Land Cruiser,
you hired Frank eight weeks ago.
Okay okay
You're not a cop, are you?
Do I look like a cop?
No
Frankly you look like
a Playmate of the month.
Want to frisk me?
What?
Do you want to pat me down?
Are you messing with me, I can't tell.
I already told you, I
have no sense of humor.
- Are you wired?
- What?
Are you wearing a wire right
now recording our conversation?
- Of course not.
- Open your shirt.
Here?
You go to the gym three times a week,
what's the problem?
My turn
Jesus Christ, what are you doing?
It's LA, Nick, nobody notices
some chick lifting her shirt.
So how do We uh
how does this work?
Frank didn't walk you through it?
He said the less I knew the better
and it'd be done within the week.
That's pretty much all there is to it.
If you knew me, you'd realize
I'm really the most harmless guy.
We're all pretty harmless
until we're cornered, Nick.
Sometimes we find ourselves
in an unbearable situation,
options dry up and we
resort to drastic measures.
It's called survival.
I'm not a shrink, I'm not a priest,
you don't need to
justify yourself to me.
But I'm no idiot, I realize these things
go south more often than moi
Well, not exactly more
often than not, but yes,
there's always a risk.
Thing to remember with cops
regardless of what you read
in detective novels or watch on TV,
theyre pretty dumb
Until they're not.
If you feel so strongly about it,
maybe you should get up, walk away
and we never had this conversation.
I'm passed that point...
and Frank says you're the best
Well, I don't like to brag,
but you're welcome to ask around.
How did you learn to do this?
Why, you writing a book?
No, I'm sorry, I'm just-
It helps me to talk this through.
The less you know about
me, the better all around.
Yeah
I helped liberate Kuwait.
I learned on the job exactly
how to be all that I can be.
Strange Work!
Safer for you trust me
How do you mean?
In this line of work, you
can't imagine the amount of guys
who fall for their targets
and then you've bought yourself
a world-class headache.
No kidding?
Most men see themselves as saviors,
they want to fix things.
Main problem between men
and women right there,
women like to talk about
their problems in detail
ad nauseam
Men just want to fix them
and move onto something
more stimulating.
- Yeah.
- Like blow jobs, sure.
Why did you say that out loud?
A lot of guys don't have
the ovaries for this job.
Now, what's it gonna be?
Do it.
That's 20K
But half before, Frank said.
I remember what Frank said.
Well, I don't have it on me.
I can go, I can get it.
I can be back within two hours.
I'll be here.
Ah, so that's it then?
Until you bring me the
first half and I give you
instructions on how to
get me the second half.
Frank will handle that.
After tonight, you'll never see me again
and your wife will be dead.
No misunderstandings,
let me hear you say it.
No misunderstandings.
I want her dead.
No misunderstandings.
I want her dead.
- Sam.
- Did you get it?
- I got it.
- Great work.
Just hold on to that tape,
let's see where he goes.
Right, he said he'd be back
here in a couple of hours.
Perfect
- Hold on!
- Sorry.
Just sit back, relax,
have a drink on me.
Two even
Talk to you soon.
Hey sorry about that
Oh, no problem.
I'd like to make it up to you.
No need
Here you go
I see you're the kind of
guy that takes initiative.
Is that bad?
No, it'll serve you well.
Don't they card people any more?
I'm older than I look.
- 12?
- Cheers.
- Henry.
- Francine.
Can I ask you a question, Francine?
It depends
By some miracle of circumstance,
I happened to look over there
and you were lifting
your shirt for that guy.
Hmm, that's not a question.
My question, and call
me a hopeless romantic,
is about the extraordinary
possibility of those being real.
Could they be?
You need a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend.
- Where is she?
- Stood me up.
Aw, a tale of woe,
playing on my sympathy.
Good luck with that.
Are you waiting for someone?
Nope, just gonna sit here
and watch you shoot some pool.
I'm not very good.
Hmm, what would a pool shark say?
I could teach you.
How do you know I'm not one?
That's a good point.
Maybe you flash guys and take
them for all they're worth.
You'll never know.
But what I love most
of all is photography.
Some of my teachers say I
have a real knack for it.
I get myself into dangerous situations
and document them
People seem to trust me.
Like gang bangers and
bikers, weird-ass freaks
who by all means should be
kicking the crap out of me.
They don't find me threatening.
They tell me stuff.
It's a weird talent.
What?
You remind me of my ex-husband.
No, he had some good qualities.
Okay, he's a son of a bitch,
but he once had a great ass
Wow, I feel objectified here.
Tell me the truth,
did you pick the bathroom lock earlier?
Because I know for a
fact that I locked it.
That sounds all wrong.
Truth is I was just
looking for an excuse
to talk to you.
You weren't trying to get
into the bathroom with me?
No, that's not very gentleman-like.
Not to mention unhygienic.
On that note, I'll be right back.
Which way did he go?
I don't know.
She just walked out on her bill.
- Is he a regular?
- No.
Hey, your friend said you'd settle it.
He is not my friend.
Well you looked pretty friendly to me.
Yeah, well, he stole my wallet
with my keys, everything.
Jesus, do you want me to call the cops?
No! no cops
You have never seen him before?
No
I have.
- Really?
- Yeah, a couple weeks ago,
I saw him hitting on this
little hottie at the Tonga Hut.
Okay, do you know her name?
No, but she has a
tattoo on her shoulder.
it says "Lucky you "
Listen, here is my number,
you hear anything, you call me.
And the tab?
I just told you he stole my wallet.
Yeah so you say
- What, you think this
is some elaborate routine
to not pay you, I'm a cop.
- You're a
cop? - Ex-cop.
And he stole your wallet.
Save it, I'll find him,
I'll be back in an hour.
Teri: The roaming eye alights
a solitary, young woman
walking through a den of ill repute.
You know this place or
surely know one like it.
These so-called palaces of sin
where young women in flimsy
underwear gyrate robotically
while male patrons with an otherwise
catastrophically moldy grasp of
male-female communication skills
try out their studliest one-liners
amidst a barrage of staring
and drooling and wagging of tongues.
The clientele at these places
is fairly interchangeable.
You've met one peeler bar
customer, you've met them all.
These guys seem to only listen
to Motley Crew or maybe Zeppelin
and love to play golf.
They usually vote for the
most conservative politician
as long as he looks
and sounds like a jock.
Now that we've established our setting,
let me take this opportunity
to introduce the young woman
with what the consensus of the day,
would surely deem an
extraordinary behind
and a practiced strut.
That would be me, stage name... Trix.
Catholic name... Teresa Augustina,
preferred name... Teri.
One look at me, all supple
youth and feline affectation,
you'd correctly assess I
neither stand out nor blend in.
Appearing by all conventional notions
to simply be one more apathetic
skin-trade participant.
The type of girl with
little or no connection
to the bra burning
activists of yesteryear.
Lucky you, says dare number one.
Dare number two occupies
a more private place.
Although here the term
private is relative,
like all my lucid
revelations are relative,
like my loathing for
gentlemen such as this one,
is relative.
What do you say I take you
far away from all these creeps
and I show you a dozen tricks
I can do with my tongue?
Loathsome because, well,
it's just hideous how he
assumes everybody else is a creep
but not him and his
horrifying invitation.
And relative because I'm pretty
sure he's my second cousin.
However, none of this
occupies my thoughts
as I apply my war
paint and tuck and cover
all my fetishized bits,
those parts deemed the most exciting
in the fashion of the moment.
No, what occupies my
thoughts is the reminder
that I'm not a woman of action.
I'm a woman of will,
but I can't believe in my
will unless I act from it.
Onstage is where I truly
come alive, where I shine,
where I kick serious ass.
You're coming for drinks after, right?
I can't tonight, sorry.
This is the highlight of my day.
The rest is paste.
When their eyes and
crotches are hot-wired
to my every tiniest single move,
that's when I stop time
and I become myself, the real me.
Theresa the Astonishing!
But you already knew that.
Cunning feats of mentalism
and supernatural amusements
performed with the drop of a hat.
Theresa the Astonishing can tell
with the blink of an eye
that Ricky here is obsessed
with his neighbor Colette
and that her complete dismissal
of his pathetic advances
has caused him to purchase
some gamma hydroxyl butyrate
to slip into her drink later tonight.
That Jimmy is secretly, deeply in love
with his best friend Roger,
even though he's assisted
his sociopathic friend
more than once in bashing what
Roger here so sweetly calls,
"Dumb-ass homo pussies."
That Emir Horsain beats his mistress.
That Regis Blackburn Senior
raped his wife repeatedly.
That Marko Castillano is
deep-down a sensitive man
who could potentially
learn to respect women,
but then he does that and you realize
he's got a Way to go
Maybe he doesn't need
all this trust fund cash.
That in his longing for
female companionship,
Nestor "Needle Dick"
Molina, has been harassing
a mute, young clerk
at the public library,
humiliating her with
his dirty insinuations.
- Are you sorry?
- Sorry?
I'm doing her a favor.
What's the problem?
No problem, Needle Dick.
Lei me see it
See What- Hey what are you-
Sometimes Teresa feels mischievous.
Sometimes she can go too far.
But that's why she's
called astonishing, people.
Hmm, three inches.
I suppose he could be a grower.
Sensitive question, Nelson,
are you a grower or a show-er?
Don't lie now, this is vital.
I'm a grower.
You lyin'
Too bad
The whole game is rigged against us.
Somebody's gotta tip the
scales once in a while.
Pow pow pow
Die, little douche bags.
The women of the world sleep
a little cozier tonight.
They are such
world-class jerks tonight.
I don't know how you do it.
Gotta lighten up, babe.
I hate this job.
Hey baby cakes
No, perfect timing, I just finished.
Okay celosita.
Eye
A wife wants to take her
husband to a strip club
for his birthday, all right?
So they go to the strip club,
doorman sees the guy
he says "Hey Dave how you been?"
Walking in, the wife says,
"How did he know your name?
You been to this strip club before?"
He says, "No, no, no, that
guy's on the bowling team.
We bowl every Thursday
night together," right.
Sit down at the table,
waitress comes over and says,
"Hey, Dave, you want the usual?"
She brings him over a Budweiser.
She says, "Wait a minute,
how did that woman know
you drink Budweiser?"
He says, "Well, she's on
the ladies bowling team,
they all know what I drink.
Come on, relax."
Next thing you know,
a stripper comes over,
jumps right on his lap and says,
"Hi, Davey, you want
the usual lap dance?"
That's it, the wife picks
up her bag, leaves the place.
Dave runs after her, he goes outside.
She's just jumping into a cab.
He opens the door, he jumps
in behind her, he says,
"Look,honey,honey, I'm telling you,
that...that woman must have
thought I was somebody else."
She's not having it, the wife,
she's screaming at the top of her lungs,
calling him every name in the book.
The cab driver turns around
at that moment and says,
"Looks like you picked up
a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Bill - Billy, Billy, can't you see
we're playing cards, you know?
This guy's giving me a headache.
He said it's urgent.
Aw, Billy
All right, be right back.
Don't look at my cards.
Hey
Mr. Aldo, I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to interrupt you.
I know you?
Yo, it's Nick.
Nick.
Nicholas, your dentist.
My dentist?
Nick, you almost gave me a heart attack.
I'm in the middle of a game,
my mind is elsewhere.
What are you doing here?
Um, actually it's about the funds.
The funds?
Yeah, you know, the money I gave
you to hold for me to invest.
The remember the 20 grand?
Yeah, I remember.
- You need it?
- I do.
Right now?
Yeah, sorry for the late notice.
I tried to get in touch
with you, I left you
- a couple of messages,
but... You called my house?
Yeah
You speak to my wife?
Yes
How did she sound?
Did she sound out of breath?
What?
I'm just kidding you.
I trust my wife
implicitly on all matters.
Give me ten minutes,
I'm finishing this hand,
I'll get you your money.
See I'm in a little bit of a hur-
No, no, no, just have a drink
Tommy, give my dentist a drink.
There's a singer coming up,
really good voice, relax.
Dress
Excuse me?
Dress mess
Uh, I got no idea what
you're talking about.
Down with the manners up with the dress.
Johnny sweet-talked
Alice into this mess.
Is that some kind of a rhyme?
Into duress.
You some kind of poet?
Now, now she's depressed
- Now who's depressed?
- That could work.
Down with the manners,
up with the dress.
Johnny sweet-talked
Alice, now who's depressed?
It's ambiguous.
Could be Johnny's the
one who's depressed.
I get it, you're the singer here.
Teddy Wright.
Nick.
Are you in some sort of trouble?
Why do you say that?
You just got a puzzling way about you.
You know, you should
mind your own business.
Well, I didn't mean to antagonize you.
I was just under the impression
that a bar is like a church,
a place where a guy
can go to be left alone
and think in peace.
One would think so.
Yeah, one would be wrong, wouldn't one?
Don't get all riled up now.
I'm just saying.
Man: One more time, Teddy Wright.
Farewell, my sinking ship.
Down with the manners up with the dress
Johnny sweet talked Alice into this mess
No you don't bring checkers
to the big game of chess
You know that only bad can come
Down with the shutters
up with the lights
Johnny sweet-talked Alice
all through the night
No world full of kisses
gonna make it all right.
You know that only bad can come
Listen to your ma
Listen to your pa
Listen to your heart
Listen to the law
Only bad can come
Down with the manners up with the dress
Johnny sweet-talked
Alice now who's depressed
Now you don't bring checkers
to the big game of chess
You know that only bad can come
You know that only bad can come "
Dentist, I got the good
news and I got the bad news.
The good news, I have
your money, don't worry,
but I can't give it to you tonight.
I don't see how that's good news for me.
No that's the bad news
Um, okay, I just really-
I need that money tonight.
I
- I know, but I don't have it here.
Yeah, it's right there.
I can't get it until tomorrow.
But I-
I just-
I need it, I really need it tonight.
I understand.
That's why when Billy told me his idea,
I said, "Ah-ha!
We kill two birds, one
stone, everybody's happy."
What idea?
Billy has to go pick
something up for me tonight,
but he can't go alone.
So he said, why don't you go with him?
This way you can get your money.
What does he have to pick up?
- Money.
- Money... for you.
Yeah money for me
Look, Mr. Aldo, I mean,
all due respect here,
I don't want to get
involved in your business.
What business is that?
It's none of my business.
Don't get cute with me,
what business is that?
I don't know, I'm a dentist.
Oh, oh, so that okay, you're a dentist.
That means you're not
accountable for what you say?
What business?
Look, all I'm saying is,
you know, you know some guys.
I know some guys?
Yeah, sure, I know some guys.
BMW knows some guys
Everybody knows some guys
Well, for example, I don't.
I don't know any guys,
that's all I'm saying.
All you're saying.
Yeah
But it's how you're
saying, is a little...
I don't know.
A more sensitive man might
think you might be insulting him.
No no no no-no no
That is the last thing I want to do.
Good, then the quicker
you go with Billy,
the quicker you get your 20Gs
- Howdy
- Howdy
What can I get you?
I'm looking for a
girl I here comes here,
she's got a tattoo on her
shoulder that says, "Lucky you."
Oh, well, lots of people come here.
I can't check out every tattoo.
Is that her?
No
How can you be sure?
I'm not, I don't know.
Why pick her and not her?
You didn't look
surreptitiously in her direction
when I mentioned the tattoo.
You want a drink or what?
Look, she's not in any
trouble, but a guy she knows is
and I don't have a lot
of time to find him.
I just serve drinks, you know?
Help me out?
Some of the girls from Chick
Planet come here after work.
I think maybe I've seen
Lucky eat with those two.
You are a princess.
What are they drinking?
Uh, Tonga Lei and a Zombie.
Lei's do two more of those
I'm looking for a friend
of yours with a tattoo
that says "Lucky you"
She's not in trouble,
but a guy she knows is,
and I need to find him right away.
What did he do?
He stole my wallet...
but that's not what I'm after.
- Sorry it's not funny
- Yeah, Sorry
He took evidence from
a case I'm working on.
- Did you do him?
- Excuse me?
Friggin' Henry mam
That's him.
- Did you do him?
- Excuse me?
- He's really suave.
- He's not a bad kid.
Are you gonna arrest him?
He just loves himself the ladies.
I don't care about him except
to get back what he took.
I don't know where he is.
Well, what about his girlfriend?
What girlfriend?
The one with the tattoo.
- Teri?
- That's his sister.
Can you call her?
She should be here any minute,
but I don't know that
she knows where he is.
Okay, this is a
life-or-death situation.
Henry's secret is that he's a
really talented photographer.
So he said.
He did?
That's unlike him, he's usually
very modest about that stuff.
I think it's because he
really cares about it.
What are you good at?
What do you mean?
You look like you're
really good at something,
and I can't figure out what it is.
Me, I prefer to be
amused than to be amusing,
but this weed is making me so paranoid.
I'm usually really articulate.
No problem.
It all goes back to my
fear of being buried alive.
You're afraid of that?
I think about it a lot.
Detective!
Yeah yeah second Worst
What's worse?
Dying in your sleep.
Why... that seems like the best way.
That's what they want you to think.
- Who? -
Grown-ups.
The people running things
and the church, you know?
They don't really want you
to stop and think about it.
How so?
Well, everybody thinks
that dying in your sleep
is the best way to go, but
it scares the hell out of me.
I mean, what if you're
having a nightmare
and you're being chased by someone
or you're about to jump off a cliff
and then you have a
heart attack and die?
I mean, everybody just thinks,
"Oh, they went
peacefully, it's so great.
Okay, I have a problem
with authority, I admit it.
Blah blah blah.
It is the worse way to go.
I just left her a
message and I texted her,
so We just gotta Watt
Thank you
No friggin' way, look
who just walked in.
Oh no
Who is it?
A real creep from Chick Planet,
he must have followed us.
He's in love with Teri.
Don't look over, don't look.
Detective Francine Driver.
He's coming over.
Lathes
hey, do you know what winks
and screws like a tiger?
No
I'm Ralph.
Detective Francine Driver.
Okay, pirate captain Ralph,
expert at pillaging booty.
We're off work, man, give us a break.
It's a free country, right?
We didn't ask you to sit down.
Now if I told you that
you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?
Those are the worst pick-up
lines I've ever heard.
You're bothering my friends.
But moi you?
Me, oh no, I'm enjoying this.
See, I could tell from across the room
that you were a woman of taste.
I'm Ralph.
You already said that.
Did I?
Well, it is so hard to concentrate
with the three of you,
you're like a club sandwich from heaven.
Maybe this is the time.
Maybe I should introduce
a more personal note.
You married, Ralph?
Yeah,you love your wife?
You got kids?
You carry their pictures
around in your wallet?
You want to see 'em'?
No, what I want is for you
to apologize to my friends...
I'm sorry.
And never see them again.
I won't.
- Not even at the club?
- Not even at the club.
See, one loser approaches them,
pretty soon all losers assume
they can waltz right on over
and strike up a conversation.
It's a slippery slope, and
they can't afford to lose
that kind of credibility.
So no more Chick Planet for you.
But I'm a VIP there.
Not any more, stop
living in the past, Ralph.
It's time to go.
Okay
Get up mow
Okay
All the way to your
car, yeah, keep walking.
You just blew my mind.
Detective!
I love you.
I just remembered where
Teri was going tonight.
Just came to you, huh?
Okay, I have a problem
with authority, I admit it.
Don't tell her I'm a detective,
just let me talk to her.
Okay
Bottoms up, partner
Can I buy you one?
So, how you doing, Katie?
You getting some on a regular basis?
My name's Camilla.
Creature as good looking as you,
I sure hope you're getting some.
Well, thanks for the concern.
Wait, stay.
I'll bet you we got something in common.
My name is Dodge, in
case you were wondering.
I haven't gotten some in so long.
Might tonight, though.
I don't know.
So, what, it's your birthday?
Coming out party.
You're gay
Coming out from someplace else.
Oh you're a tough guy
Let's not put labels on a man.
Life is unfriendly enough as it is.
You want another one?
I want you to tell me
what's bothering you.
Me?
Nothing.
You were on the phone earlier.
What was that all about?
You eavesdropping on me?
I read lips real good,
little talent you develop inside.
You're bluffing.
Are we playing cards?
Bluffing to try to get me to
reveal something about myself.
"Emmet, it's me again.
I don't mean to be a pest."
Now first of all, a woman
like you could never be a pest.
You don't have the tone of voice for it.
You know, you gotta have a
certain screechiness, you know?
How did you hear that?
"I meant it when I said
I don't need a commitment,
"but there is a game being played
I don't want to be any part of."
- Okay, okay, stop.
- Who is Emmet?
Nobody
Some guy, my neighbor.
You're having a fling
with your neighbor?
Is he married?
Divorced.
T gotta get back to Work
What work?
How long you been dating this guy?
Weeks, months?
It's been seven, eight months.
He's not your upstairs neighbor?
What if he is?
Bedroom isn't just above yours?
It is.
That's your trouble right there.
So, when you're not out with
him, he says he's at home,
you hear his bed springs creaking.
He's got some other broad up there?
So what do I do?
You have to move...
and you might want to put
up a couple more of those,
my kids are about to show up.
How do you know?
I can feel them.
Teri: All words have double meanings,
even the small words all
bundled up in death and sex and-
What is this?
Just take a deep breath
You're an asshole.
Teri!
Let her go!
Do yourself a favor and
never have a daughter.
Cuddliest little things
until about the age of 12,
then be prepared to be banished forever.
I once dodged a bullet from her.
True story, not a figure of speech.
Sorry, Dodge, she gets so emotional.
Lei her be
Ah, Tatiana, Annabel?
This is my kid.
- Thanks
- Mm-hmm
I've been dreaming...
that I can't sleep.
I wake up exhausted every morning.
I got this bag for you.
Yeah
All words have double meanings,
even the littlest of ones.
That's why you can't trust words, Henry.
I got this for you, too.
It's Spanish, antique.
It's for food.
I'm glad you're out.
Women are the most
resilient of creatures.
You can do anything you want to a woman,
and maintain her respect.
You can forget a romantic anniversary,
you can cheat on her
with her best friend.
You can pop her in the
rear once in a while
just to change the pace of things.
But you must never never
let her smell your poop.
This is my gift to you, son.
Never forget it
Thanks, Dad
Keep it tight.
I'll cherish it.
You ready for another one?
Do you mind if I ask you something?
What's in the suitcase?
Bones
What is that, like,
slang for domino bones?
Human
Skeleton.
So why does he like
- carries those around?
Puts them together and
he takes them apart.
Helps him relax.
He used to be a science teacher.
You okay?
Are you close with your dad?
He died last year.
Thai sucks
Yeah
He had Alzheimer's.
I spent all Christmas with
him watching soccer on TV.
European League
He had no idea who was playing.
He'd start rooting for a team
and them ask me who it was
I'd leave the room and walk back in
and he'd greet me with this huge smile.
Ask me all sorts of questions.
Soon enough he didn't know
who I was, what anything was.
Suddenly you realize that
all we are is our memory.
Life doesn't mean anything
unless you can remember it.
Excuse me
Hello?
You Henry?
Yeah
It's your sister.
Nice going.
Because he wanted to surprise you.
Look, Teri, I'm still trying
to figure this out myself, okay?
How many years ago was that?
The man beat me, too, but I got over it.
You stole his Cadillac and he got mad
and so he shaved your head
while you were sleeping.
It wasn't the most fatherly thing to do,
but it happened
Okay, I'll be right over.
Family.
What was that for?
In case I get Alzheimer's
and I forget that I
really wanted to do that.
Hey, guys!
- Hey, June!
- How you doing, girl?
Oh, you know, can't complain.
How's the acid reflux?
Way better.
I switched to white
wine like you suggested,
and, oh, my God, huge difference.
Well, I told you.
Yeah, but I gotta admit...
I'm still eating chocolate.
Well, some things you
just can't give up.
I know, I mean, I've cut way
down, but it's just so hard.
Y'all feeling limber tonight?
Ready for trouble, baby.
Oh, well, have fun.
Hey Mr Trombone
How you doing, sweetheart?
Not too shabby.
Where's the missus?
Aw, she's upset with me.
Oh, what did you do this time?
Don't don't
- don't get me started.
I took her to the race
track, Hollywood Park?
Yeah?
I like to humor her with some bets
and she always picks the
horse with the cutest name.
I mean, Fluffy Banana.
Who the hell names
their horse that, huh?
I mean it kind of
makes you wonder, right?
So you didn't place the bet?
No, I couldn't, you know, I
put the money on Silver Prelude,
now that's one hell of a damn horse.
You know, you've been through
this before, Mr. Trombone.
That son of a bitch beats
my horse out by a nose
in a photo finish.
Muriel almost crapped her pants.
30 to 1 odds on Fluffy Banana.
I mean, how could I put
money on a horse like that?
Aw, I'm sorry, Mr. Trombone.
Ah, anyway, you know Muriel.
I'm getting the treatment.
Yeah, she'll come around.
She always does.
At least the house is quiet.
I got that to look forward to,
and I, you know, I got my health.
Have you lost weight?
Yeah, maybe, I mean she hasn't
fed me since that happened.
But, you know, I'll
probably put it back on.
Don't worry.
I'm not.
Have fun tonight.
You too sweetheart
You should probably wear this.
Hey, guys, it's members-only night.
Well, that's a good thing,
because this is a
members-only hold-up.
- Jesus Christ!
- Jesus Christ!
Wallets, purses, jewelry, go, go, go!
Hey, you should probably put that on
or she's gonna pick
you out in a line-up.
It takes an average of 15 seconds
to form a personal picture
of someone in a crisis.
Or would you rather I just shoot her?
Jesus Christ, put it on!
No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
I'll put it on, you don't
have to do that- -why-
Shut up, why don't you just
go watch the door, okay?
Right.
Hey, fill up this bag, fill
it up, watches, watches, okay?
Here
No, not that one, the gold one.
Okay
Okay were you go
What the hell would I want
to do with a plastic watch?
I don't know.
Hey,hey, what are you doing?
I told you to go watch the door.
I don't want to have to kill this bitch.
No, no, don't
- don't, don't kill her.
Not that door, go park your
ass in front of the curtain,
make sure nobody is peeking in.
Ah, phones, too, the phones?
Oh here
Great, great, you're doing great.
You've got great eyes, by the way.
Yeah, they just hit you like, bam!
Spring-loaded glove
to the face, ha-ha-ha!
I'm sure you've heard
that before, though.
Please don't hurt me, okay?
I just work here part-time.
Well, what do you want to be?
I'm studying to be a dental hygienist.
What are the chances, he's a dentist.
I'm a dentist.
Hey, by the way, how
are we looking in there?
I
- I don't know.
Why don't you check, Einstein?
Make sure nobodys peeking in, okay?
What?
Can you believe these perverts?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I doubt it.
Aldo always says I don't
see the big picture,
well, now I see it and it's panoramic.
What's panoramic?
You know, like a wide-screen
TV with the black bars
at the top and the bottom.
Yeah, I know what the word means.
All right, then let's take
some pictures of these yahoos.
We already have their
names and addresses.
I will bet they would pay
beaucoup bucks to make sure
those pictures don't get
to their kids' schools,
their bosses and whatnot.
Why don't you just let them be, okay?
Because blackmail never works.
What do you know about it?
Because I tried it once in high school.
You should listen to her.
- Take your clothes off.
- What?
- Get in there.
- What are you doing?
This is a robbery, people!
What are you doing?
All right, get in there, take 'em off.
She just Works here Why does she have to
take off her clothes?
Because I want to see
what she looks like.
I am not taking off my clothes.
Okay, look, listen, just-
All right, leave her be,
I'll take my clothes off.
Why would I want you to
take off your clothes?
True
Well, if you're gonna pick on somebody,
pick on that guy over there.
Why him?
He looks mean.
No,see, I like his girlfriend.
That is not his girlfriend.
Hey, you, come here!
- Me?
- Yes, you.
- Let's be gentlemen about...
- Hey, shut up
Yes you come here come on sugar ms
We don't have all day.
Don't call her sugar tits!
You think that's loaded?
What am I, stupid?
You're just saying that.
That one's for show, this one's loaded.
So if I squeeze this
trigger, nothing happens?
Squeeze away compadre.
Damn it
All right, doll face,
let's see what you got.
Leave her alone!
Get out of here, run, everybody run!
Oh, my God, is that you?
No no shh
So you know about Otis?
Is that really you?
No no Karen no that's moi me
This isn't me.
It's not what it looks like.
I am so ashamed.
No, no, don't cry, Karen-
No, no, no, not here.
But when those guys came into the bar,
before I realized it was you,
a single thought came into my head.
First I thought terrorists,
but then it just hit me, like a hammer,
and everything became clear.
I have been so misguided and so selfish,
telling myself that I need
something more from life,
something dangerous, something exciting,
and you are the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me
Okay, I'm here, you big baby.
You set me up?
I didn't know she was gonna do that.
Now get off him.
- Oh, shit, she's a cop.
- Ex-cop.
- You ripped off a cop?
- Ex-cop.
I didn't know.
How stupid could you be?
Can I just say you look
really great from this angle?
See where your hand is, that's a felony.
I was right, though: real.
This better be intact.
I swear, I didn't touch it.
The cash I did spend.
It was an emergency, I'm so sorry.
You spent her cash on Dodge?
Hit him again.
Hey, stop trying to help me, honestly.
Is that me, where is it?
Yeah, it's right there.
Sam, hold on one sec.
Oh, really?
Stay
He fessed up to the whole thing.
What, to you?
No, he fessed up to his wife.
How do you know?
He came clean, soup to
nuts, and she forgave him.
She forgave him?
That's not all.
In the scuffle, a gunshot went off,
and guess whose leg
got hit with the bullet?
The wife's lover.
Bingo.
Okay, so we got him on manslaughter.
No, an accident.
Oh. come on.
I have a room full of naked witnesses
to corroborate it.
Why are they naked?
Wait until you get a load of this.
There is a nudist ping-pong
club in Silver Lake.
The shooting was at the Cracker Shack?
You've been there?
No, I've just seen the sign driving by.
There is no sign, it's members-only.
What can I tell you, I love ping-pong.
A Chopin martini up,
olives, not dirty, bruised.
Two
I felt really bad stealing from you,
but I just want to say one thing.
What?
I bet you're the kind of
woman that looks great naked.
Unbelievable, that sounds
like the guys from my work.
Better than you can ever imagine.
I have a highly developed imagination.
Oh, barf city, Greedo,
you're killing me.
I mean way beyond.
But you'll never know.
Oh poor baby
Turned down by Officer Mucha Muchacha.
Shut up.
Golly, articulate.
Thank you
Shut up.
So willing to engage.
You do, however, owe me big time.
Anything, name it.
You know a bar called
the Bigfoot Lodge?
- Cop bar?
- Mm-hm.
What of it?
I want you to pick a
cop's wallet for me.
Intriguing, is this
like some kind of test,
pick a cop's wallet?
Not just any cop, my ex-husband
Wow, this idea keeps sounding worse.
Why, he won't pay alimony?
Well, he has a picture
he won't give back
and he keeps showing all his friends.
It's really starting to piss me off.
Are you naked in it?
What's with the one-track mind?
Maybe
If I steal it, am I allowed to see it?
You're not exactly in a
position to negotiate here.
Hope strings eternal.
Okay, who writes your dialogue?
Okay, you steal it first,
you get it back to me
without him noticing,
then we will discuss further terms.
But first, we gotta make a stop.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
Yes
Yeah, I think you can give
her a little more considering.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
So where's this Bigfoot?
It doesn't get going for another hour.
What do undercover
detectives do for fun?
Teach me to shoot some pool.
Him?
I taught him everything he knows.
She's right, you guys start without me.
First round of beer is on me.
Is he gonna make a run for it?
Nah, he's totally dishonest
until he gives you his word,
then he's the most loyal
puppy dog in the world.
Thanks
What's a smart girl like you doing
taking off her clothes
for pocket change?
What's a smart girl like you doing
playing cops and robbers?
I need the medical.
Profound me too
Go for the three
Is he really a good photographer?
His portraits are surprisingly good.
It's impossible for people
to not let their guard down
around him, it's weird.
So if he asks to take
your picture, beware.
Don't do it?
No, do it
but you've been warned.
Who is teaching me
here, you or your sister?
go for the ten,
You're not going for the ten, are you?
Leave her alone.
The nine is all set up.
Who is teaching me
here, you or your sister?
I thought you asked me.
Come on, pilgrim, go
get us another round.
Who's the shark here?
Beginner's luck.
You're full of shit, Detective.
- Doing the sweet slide.
- Thin Cap.
- Erin Yorkid.
- Thin Kitty.
Getting the little man
in the boat to go fishing.
- You made that up.
- Sounds legit to me.
Oh, God!
Okay, checking for depth.
Cleaning my fur coat.
Petting the petunia.
Baby in the kitty.
I already said it.
Okay, automatic pilot.
Uh, finding yourself.
Digging for gold.
Gilding a lily.
Letting your fingers do the walking.
Coming into your own.
Tickling my fancy.
Uh, uh, spelunking in the mystery cave.
- Time!
- What?
Spelunking in the mystery cave.
Let's go steal a wallet.
That's moi a Word
It's a word, it means exploring.
Okay, triple or nothing.
No, I say we pick this up later.
Let's go steal a wallet.
That's mine.
Thank you
So we should just sit down and,uh...
can I get you a drink?
Anything, as long as it's whiskey.
Two Macallans, rocks
I just had a near-death
experience, officer.
Yes, you did.
Uh, Detective.
It's the kind of thing
you imagine happens
to somebody else, never you.
It can be very traumatic.
I read somewhere that when
something horrible happens,
you know, like a senseless tragedy
or a terrorist attack or, you know,
an incident where you suddenly realize
that you could die that very instant,
that all you want to do
suddenly is eat and drink
and smoke and have sex
Is that how you feel?
No
Well, it could take a
little while to kick in,
you're still on shock
You know, that's what
they mean when they say
life is cheap in all those
third-world countries.
But they just keep on
drinking and screwing.
Even in India where
they just did this study
that the average penis is
shorter than in other places.
Did you read that?
I can't say that I have.
Okay, the BBC reported
that condoms made according
to international sizes
are just too large
for most Indian men.
She'll have another one.
Actually make it two.
So, you had some more questions for me?
Yes, basic stuff.
I just don't want to miss
anything on my report.
It's so lucky you were right outside
when that gun went off.
Not just luck, I was
there on a case, June.
I was following one of the perps.
Do you mind if I call you June?
What I don't understand
is why he wanted me
to take off my domes
I mean, you're right in
the middle of a robbery,
adrenaline pumping violence, greed.
Do you really have time to stop
and admire a girl's cha-cha?
These guys they're psychopaths
Yeah
They get off on fear and entry
What I don't understand
is the coincidence
of Nick's ex being there.
Uh, who are you talking about, Silas?
Salazar.
Never heard of him.
No, I'm Salazar, Samuel Salazar.
The perp's name is Billy.
Karen is the other perp's wife, Nick.
Oh yeah Karen
She's his ex?
They're still married.
Have you seen them there before?
Never
Otis seems to have a lot
of luck bringing women
there on their first date.
It takes a certain
kind of, I don't know,
je ne sais quoi to bring a first date
to a nudist ping-pong bar.
Would you?
I'm not much of a player.
Unless he couldn't help himself.
Otis?
BMW the perp
Maybe he just couldn't help himself
and that's why he was
willing to throw away
all that careful planning,
just to get a peek at
me in my birthday suit.
It's kind of like a
Greek myth, you know?
I think you're
romanticizing it a little,
which is perfectly natural.
I don't think that he planned
it all that thoroughly.
I hear the words coming out of my mouth
and I want to cry,
but I can't remember
the last time I cried.
I make eye Contact and
not when I'm supposed to,
spewing platitudes plausible enough
right after the baby is born.
but what I really
want to say to her is-
Did I mention you
set my heart a-flutter
and make me feel all funny inside?
Heaven forbid I go through with it.
I'm the kind of guy who
always bets on the wrong horse.
Me, Samuel Salazar, at your service.
They say women forget the
physical pain of childbirth
right after the baby is born.
That's how come they
can start all over again,
have another child.
I guess I'm not like a woman at all,
because I have a crystal clear memory
of every heartbreak I've
suffered since the age of nine.
I was only conversational then.
Still, I can't help but
wonder if this could be
a true happy ending,
or one more false hope.
It's like a traffic accident,
I know I shouldn't look,
but I can't turn away,
because in my heart of
hearts, wherever that is,
I know the answer does
not lie within words,
but within her eyes.
The world is made up of a
billion little mysteries,
but it's not words that explain them.
Of this, I'm sure.
Do you think I could have developed
Stockholm Syndrome that quickly?
No
I've always wanted to go to Stockholm.
I've never been anywhere.
Have you traveled a lot?
A little, mostly in the United States.
I want to go to Europe...
and Egypt and those raves in Greece
where the music is really
bad and everyone is on ecstasy
and theyre all so super
tanned that it doesn't matter.
Have you been?
No
My friend went once and she said
that nobody spoke the same language,
but no one had anything to say anyways,
so the DJ played the music so
loud that even your eyes hurt.
Thank you for saving my life, Samuel.
I wouldn't go that far.
Is it true that Mexican
men love cunnilingus?
Um
Oh, I'm sorry, that
came off really forward.
I just suddenly feel like I have this
new lease on things, you know?
And there's just no time for
pleasantries and being polite.
I mean, there's barely
enough time to go out there
and get what you want.
My grandfather was Mexican,
I was born here.
Oh, I guess it'd be an
awkward question to ask him.
Yeah, he's
- he passed away anyway.
Took the secret with him.
Do you want to dance?
Not just yet.
I'll be right back.
Mmmm'
Ready for another one?
Probably.
So how's it going, officer?
Detective.
Not going so well, actually.
You seem a little uptight
if you don't mind me saying so.
Actually, I do mind, I'm
trying to figure some stuff out.
- What stuff?
- Personal stuff...
about courage
and what makes us special.
Oh
I thought it was about the girl.
Her too
What's wrong with her?
She's sending me mixed signals.
Hey, Officer Salazar?
Detective.
I'm not wearing any underwear
I wouldn't read between
the lines so much.
You are unique.
There are, I'm sure, uncommon things
that you are particularly good at.
Play to your strong suits, shine.
Don't concentrate on things
that other people have
told you you're no good at.
Relish the talents you have.
And always...
always surround yourself with
people who appreciate you.
Sam?
But if I'm gonna be
completely honest with you,
I haven't had a real
piece of ass since El Paso.
That was one hot, little
lady you had there.
Jewel.
I suppose you banged
her, too, after I left.
Well, I was with my wife
at the time, remember?
She gets manicures, doesn't
she, she goes shopping?
All wives do.
Just saying, where there's
a will there's a way.
Point is I didn't do anything.
Yeah, you wanted to, I can tell.
Empty again.
You ready for another?
No, still working on this.
Mikey did, though.
Chafes me to this day, you know why?
Because if I hadn't
told him she was hooking,
he never would have had the
balls to ask her up to his room.
Guy is a complete pussy when
it comes to talking to women,
especially women with cans like those.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You never noticed how
intimidated he gets around women
who got a great rack?
Never noticed.
He-he-he can't talk,
he st-st-st-stutters.
It must be something in his past.
Mother, I don't know.
You remember how he could
never talk to your ex?
No disrespect.
Nome taken
Guy can't see past a
decent-sized double barrel.
Great looking girl, though.
We're talking about Francine now?
No, I mean, her, too, but, no, Jewel.
What was her real name?
Nice Jewish name.
Oh, man, let me tell you,
that is a lethal combination.
Nice Jewish girl drops out
of school, starts hooking.
Unstoppable.
Night you saw her, what was she wearing?
To be honest, I don't
remember what she had on.
More the shape underneath
didn't leave so much to the imagination.
She had me up like a rock for five days.
Blue steel, I don't mind telling you.
That's a lot of information.
Yeah, I'm not kidding you, man.
We've known each other ten years?
Six.
- A long time.
- Long time.
- Long time
- Long time
At least among the guys on the force,
I consider you a fairly knowledgeable
connoisseur of ass.
I don't know where
you're going with this.
Look, after the divorce,
you've had your fair share of tail.
You know, I'm just going by
the red head with the boots
and the cousins down Cucharacha Way?
Who was that chick you
were with the other night?
Camilla, she's my neighbor.
What did you do, ring her doorbell,
ask her for sugar or something?
She's a good girl.
She's got some issues.
I'm just trying to
loosen her up a little.
Point is, you like it.
What?
Ass!
You mean the actual buttocks
or the general region?
What?
The royal ass, women, dames, skirts.
Sure, I like them.
Yeah, well, see, these guys today,
young guys on the force
they don't seem to think
about it all that much.
Maybe it's a generational shift.
Porn on the Internet, I don't know.
You know, maybe I didn't
think about it as much
when I was younger.
One day it just hit me: Wham!
Full-blown epiphany.
Went from being a hobby
to a full-time occupation.
Chasing skirts.
Yeah, I don't know when it happened.
I don't know why it happened.
At first, it was because
things were terrible
with me and Eileen.
Terrible...
and then it was because she found out,
things between us got worse.
If you want ass, there is no
ass in the whole wide world
like Jewel Kazinsky, El Paso.
I'll keep that in mind.
I gotta go.
Ooh!
- You gonna be all right?
- Sure.
We should call you a cab, Captain.
Speak of the dew
That your ex-wife?
Yes, it is.
You still got that photo?
The photograph you showed me?
Yes, sir.
- You got it?
- Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
I was thirsty.
A thousand bars in this
county, you gotta come here.
Yeah, I like the way
they mix their drinks.
You're something else.
Bar is big enough for both of us,
so why don't you go back to your corner
and I'll be right over here.
You checking up on me?
What is there to check up on?
What is it, you like the aggravation?
Why are you so aggravated, Emmet?
What is it you're not telling me?
I'm not telling you anything,
don't have to any more.
I know you, you're here, it's
because you want something.
Well, rest assured, it isn't you.
Hi.
Emmet.
Yeah, I'm not really a prick, I-
We just have a really bad
history of horrible chemistry.
What's your name?
Teresa
- You?
- Henry.
Hi, could you do me a favor?
You don't have anything.
We're not so good when
we're around each other.
Okay, if I back you up,
what do I get for my trouble?
What do you want?
We're hoping to score some back rubs.
Funny, keep it up, Junior.
Now What?
Now I got him.
You don't have anything.
He's on high alert, he hates
your guts and he's a cop.
Watch and learn.
Get Us a dark booth
Hey, man, where do you get
off calling me junior, huh?
Get your hands off me
How would you like it
if I called you senior
in front of your lady friends?
Lei go of my arm
Why are you so jumpy, man?
What part of this are you
not understanding, punk?
You come into this bar
again, I will kick your ass.
How'd it go?
We're even
Not until you put this back.
I said pick his wallet, not steal it.
Such a sweet sweet mam
Why would you ever divorce him?
It's not here.
This a bad time?
I was out of line.
It's no big deal.
It's a pretty big deal, let me finish.
As Francine may or
may not have told you,
I've been battling
anger management issues
for quite a chunk of time.
Emmet, this is not the time.
I respectfully disagree.
Now I jumped on your friend here
and made an ass out of myself
and I like to think that
we're all grown up enough
that I can rectify it
and we can all enjoy our
evenings at the same location
without it being awkward.
How's everyone doing over here?
- Another round?
- No.
Sure, my treat
Emmet, you really don't have to do that.
I'm sorry I insulted you, man.
Hey, it happens
Have we met?
Uh, I don't know, maybe.
- You a dancer?
- Here we go.
- Yes.
- Exotic.
Yes
I think I've gotten lapped by you.
Emmet has a photographic
memory of every exotic dancer
east of the 405
Now, now, now, let's not exaggerate.
Welcome to paradise.
Emmet, Teri's going
through some stuff right now
and I really, as much as
I appreciate the gesture,
I need some alone time
with her and her brother.
Her brother?
No disrespect.
All righty, that'll be $16 even.
Okay, let me get this.
Why don't I get this?
No, no, no, no, I insist.
Okay
You can keep it
Thank you
You know, we gotta
get going anyways.
No, no, stay
I'll get out of your hair.
You guys, drink in peace
I said what I came to say.
You look like a million
bucks, Detective Driver.
I guess that's that.
That is that.
You guys can go
Why don't you come with us?
Where?
There's an after hours,
starts in a few minutes.
Ah, no, I'm done for the night.
The night hasn't even started.
You guys are really going
somewhere else right now?
We haven't even danced yet.
Can't call it a night out
without a little dancing.
What do you say, Francine?
Lei's get out of here
This place is crawling with cops.
I have something for you.
What?
- You are a son of a bitch.
- I didn't look at it.
- Right.
- I swear to God.
You look like an atheist to me.
Oh, no, I'm a believer.
I knew what it was
right away, but I figured
if I looked at it, it
would wreck my chances.
Of What?
I've been trying to get the
nerve to ask you all night.
I want you to pose
for me, for a portrait.
Why me?
You have this intangible quality.
Try harder
I'm cursed by the blossoming
knowledge of my feminine ideal
and she looks suspiciously like you.
That's not bad
It's pretty good, you mean.
Not a total waste?
How about the truth?
The truth is you're not my usual type.
And what's your usual type?
Gaunt, fashionable and dumb
with a big, square Appalachian ass
and obsessed with country music.
Jesus
Will you at least consider it?