God Save the Queens (2022) Movie Script
1
[GENTLE MUSIC]
[SIGHS HEARD]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
GIGI: You got this.
This is baby-school stuff, baby.
And you're in the big leagues.
It's their mistake if
they don't want you.
You got better things going on.
They need you more
than you need them.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Good Lord, you
sound like Mom now.
Stop talking to
your own reflection.
I said stop it, stop it.
[HORN HONKS]
WOMEN #1:
Excuse me.
[GIGI GIGGLES]
This is your vehicle isn't it?
Yes.
GIGI: My apologies.
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
The lock the door subtly
so you don't seem
like a racist move.
[CAR ENGINE REVVING]
Always a classic.
[KISS SOUND]
Bye, ya dumb bitch.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
ESTHER: Yes?
Hi, I'm here for 10 o'clock
interview with...?
Esther?
ESTHER: I'll buzz you in.
Come straight in and up
the stairs, no snooping.
[DOOR LOCK BUZZES]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[FLOOR CREAKS]
ESTHER: I don't have all day.
Knock, knock.
Are you the boy I just
spoke to on the ringer?
That's me.
You're not what
I was expecting.
And why's that?
Well, you're...
- Too tall?
- Mm.
- Attractive.
- Mm-mm.
[GIGI GIGGLES]
Black, you mean?
- Yes, yeah, Black.
I don't know what the term
is that you use these days.
Uh, Black works just fine.
So, shall we sit down in here?
- What?
Yes, sit right there.
Ooh, of course.
Old haunted
baby doll chair, cute.
Is that supposed to be a joke?
Supposed to be.
Mm-hmm.
My, what a lovely
home you have.
It's nice.
But it's infested with vermin.
Ooh.
So what are you're
qualifications?
I have my resume right here.
Do I look like I
have my readers on?
What are you're
qualifications, Klaus?
It's Klein.
Well, I spent seven
months last year
taking care of my Aunt
Karen's Alaskan Huskies,
So, I figured, how much
harder can a human be, right?
Unless you shed like they did.
In which case,
I'm not your fool.
Oh, the caretaker position
isn't for me, smart ass.
It's for my husband, Warren.
And he is?
It's none of your
business, that's where he is.
Is he with us now?
He's sleeping,
if you must know.
And the position is
five days a week.
Monday to Friday.
Do you think you
can handle that?
Sure can.
Oh, shit.
Girl, you need help with that?
- Of course I do.
- Let me get it.
[ESTHER GROANS]
[KLEIN SIGHS]
I may look unconventional
to your old, normal pallet,
but you'll grow to love me.
Because truthfully,
everybody does.
You're quite cocky.
Confident is more the word.
Well, you know,
the last girl we had,
she was as white as printer
paper and she was an atrocity.
So maybe we're due for a change.
Oh, look at you, breaking
social stereotypes.
Oh, no, no, no.
On second thought, maybe
not that much of a change.
No, no, no, no, no.
Do see yourself out,
will you?
- I can do the job.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- I can.
Don't make me
wheel Warren in here
and have him force you out.
I completely understand.
Go.
Good day, old lady
from the Titanic.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
[GIGI SIGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
DEAREST: There he is.
There's my boy.
Good morning, Mommy Dearest.
Don't you look
like a snack today.
Oh, stop it.
So tell me, how'd it go?
Were you great?
Fabulous.
They said they have a
couple more interviews
and they'll call me
later and let me know.
That's amazing!
I know you got it.
How could they not love you?
I got you a present.
Oh, Klein, you didn't
have to get me a present.
Go ahead, open it.
Oh, wow.
Do you like it?
It's beautiful.
I hope you didn't spend
too much money on this.
Please, it was
practically a steal.
All right, gotta
go get ready, Mama.
BOTH: Love, love.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[GIGI SIGHS]
Hey.
What does that
bag of bones know?
Look at her.
She was one breath away
from Grey Gardens.
Just don't let this get to you.
And for fuck's sake, stop with
the damn inner monologues.
Who are you, Carrie Bradshaw?
HARLOWE (PHONE):
'Cause I spent a lot of time
really worried about
what every single person
was thinking about me.
I guess I had this
epiphany that everyone,
male, female, in between.
However they identify, you know,
we're all going through
this same struggle.
And I just realized,
wow, that's universal.
Learning to be able to
stand in front of the mirror
and just say.
HARLOWE AND GIGI:
Bitch, know your worth.
Then add tax.
Because no one can
make you happy but you.
And rose'.
[LAUGHS]
Oh.
Okay, Mama.
I gotta go.
Are you sure you
don't need a ride?
No, no, I'm good.
I'll just order one of
those Zoober things.
Oh, nonsense.
A lady shouldn't be alone
in a car with a stranger.
No, I'll drive you.
So good to me.
I love you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
MARMALADE: Ramen for
breakfast, ramen for lunch,
ramen for dinner,
ramen for brunch.
I need a mimosa.
I hear you over there,
chirping Latoya,
but you can't have ramen.
It's just for old Queens,
not skinny little
birdies like you.
Good morning.
Good morning Latoya.
[IMITATES CHIRPING SOUND]
My God, I feel like
I'm in The Birdcage.
Don't you give me that look.
You know, tonight
is very important.
Tonight's the night that all
of our dreams could come true.
'Cause we are ding, do...
I'm not a dancer.
Simon is bringing his friend
from Cheeseburger Sally's.
And if she likes me, really
really likes me, Sally Fields.
Well then I could go full time.
Wouldn't that be great.
Get us a full time gig.
And we could get out of this
hell hole known as Chatsworth.
'Cause let's face it, you know.
I mean, what have
we got going on here
other than it being the
porn capital of America.
And I know how into porn you
are you dirty little bird.
I know what you
do when I'm gone,
because let's face it.
My days of being a famous
porn star are far behind me.
You and I, we ain't
getting much younger girl.
So we gotta do something
and kick it into high gear
before rigor mortis sets in.
When did you become so morbid?
[CAR HONKS]
PENNY: Hey bitch!
You're late.
PENNY: I know. You're welcome.
You're always late.
The trunk's open, you
know where to put it.
Am I gonna find
a body back here?
PENNY:
Just move it to the right.
Like Thelma and Louise on crack.
TYLER: Lewis.
Hey Lewis, hey.
Oh, shit on a stick.
Looking good, Penny.
Call me when you
legal, tater tot.
Hey, how's it going?
Hey kid, it's going.
Hey look, I saw
that you threw out
that blue sequined top you had.
What the fuck?
You digging through my trash?
No, no, I, I just,
I saw it sticking outta the bin
and I know that it
had a busted seam,
so I thought I could fix it.
And if you have any other
outfits that you don't want,
I'm just like, like
a few doors down, so.
It's down the road.
Oh, okay.
Well I didn't
realize that you had
such a thriving drag career.
Oh, I mean, no.
I mean, I'm like an enthusiast.
I can never do what
you do, you know. Um.
So brave.
- Oh shit!
You got a light.
A what?
Lighter.
A light.
Uh, no I don't smoke.
Oh yeah, I'm boring that way.
I don't know.
That's good.
Keep it that way.
Or you know, you'll
end up looking like me.
You wanna guess how old I am?
That was, that was a joke.
That was a joke.
- Oh my God.
I'm sorry.
You almost had me there.
I can't.
My mom always said
that I was too gullible
to move to the west coast.
Go.
- Nope.
So are you guys
performing tonight?
Oh, come on kid you know my
schedule better
than I know my schedule.
What?
No.
I mean,
maybe I've been getting
really good at eyes lately.
Like my eyeliner
skills are way better
than they were before.
Is that so.
Yeah. No.
Umm,
I was thinking maybe if you're
free later, I could show you.
-Fuck.
Like you could tell me what
I'm doing wrong. If you're not
too busy.
Kid.
I got a lot going on, you know.
Yeah, no.
Totally.
I mean, I don't even know
what I could do for you anyway.
I mean, look at me, you know,
you need to go find one of
those web series influencers
or something.
Yeah.
Very stupid.
Ah, no worries.
Girl, he looked like
a hurt little puppy.
Fine.
Sorry, what?
Fine.
Tomorrow.
But I only have like
20, 30 minutes tops.
Okay?
Okay, cool.
Maybe I'll watch you
guys at the bar tonight.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye Marmalade.
No kid, come here.
We gotta get this straight.
Listen.
This weird fascination
you got with, you know,
cross dressing and all that.
That's all fine and dandy.
But when I'm here at home,
I'm just Lewis, you know,
just plain old Lewis.
- Right,
- sorry Lewis.
- Yeah. No Marmalade, kapeesh.
Kapeesh?
- Right, thank you.
Stay outta my trash.
Okay.
See you tonight, Lewis.
PENNY: You've got to be nicer
to that weird little child.
MARMALADE: That weird little
child needs church.
You better put the
peddle to the metal.
PENNY: I am trying.
MARMALADE: We gonna be late.
Watch out.
This is style.
I don't know what y'all driving,
but this the car right here.
This is the car.
PENNY:
Did I check my mirrors?
Drive in style.
It's a good thing,
you robbed that bank.
PENNY: Oh Shit.
- Oh oh.
PENNY: Look out.
Don't hit me now.
Okay. Thank you for,
I'm gonna go this way.
I'm gonna go this way.
Excuse me.
Oh look at her already
out here smoking cigarette.
PENNY: Look at this ho.
MARMALADE: High dollar!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
PENNY: Hey Boo.
ED: Hey Penny.
- Missed a spot.
Hey Ed.
I better not see fingerprints
on those glasses,
or you're fired.
Hey, fuck you too gorgeous.
MARMALADE: Aw, fuck you.
Who let these whores in here?
Close the door
behind your ass bitch?
LAYLA:
There's that old skank.
AUGUSTA WIND:
Oh, y'all. Shut up!
Hey Marm.
Marmy!
What.
Mama marmy! Are you
excited for tonight?
Simon says that lady
is definitely coming.
Excited, I'm about
to shit my panties.
It's all the same.
Oh please.
You're a shoe in.
Simon says this gal is the gal.
Oh, well if Simon says
it must be the case.
Well just don't fuck
it up even a little.
What, are you Ru Paul?
Yes, 'cause your entire
future depends on it.
Just kidding girl.
Come on.
Me, me, mama, Cardi B,
okaarrrrr.
Look, look, look.
I need this job y'all.
Mama needs some new titties.
[EVERYBODY LAUGHS]
LAYLA: Those titties
are falling apart
quicker than Marm's hairline.
- Uh, oh!
Hey, don't blame
me for Penny savers
dime store tatas, Lola.
- It's Layla.
- Whatever.
One word like Cher.
You used to babysit her.
Now she's a comedian.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
CHARLIE: Oh! you have
got to be shitting me.
STEVIE:
I know. I'm sorry.
The roommates were up all night
dropping acid with
the neighbors.
CHARLIE: What?
They just started watching
Euphoria,
it's like a whole thing.
This is a Boozy Brunch.
It is not a boozy show up,
whenever the hell you want.
Kiwi has been on stage
shaking her for 45 minutes.
They're bored. They're bored.
They're bored. Bored.
Okay. Okay.
I'm going.
Put those boots
on and get on stage.
I am going.
Get on stage please.
Perfect.
Oh my gosh, so stunning.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
KIWI: Oh God! Cut, alright!
Thank you.
ANCHOR: Round of applause for
Kiwi everyone. Ugh, hot!
STEVIE: Sorry, I'm here.
Girl I almost like
blacked out there.
I'm like seeing stars.
Is you know who here yet?
Not that I've seen.
- Blessed be. Okay.
Go find an inhaler.
Welcome the legend, herself,
the sensational,
Stevie Dix.
[NOLAN CHEERS LOUDLY]
Greetings! Fellow alcoholics.
And Nolan.
Hello Nolan.
I wanna wish my deepest
condolences to those of you
who are so blacked
out at the moment
that you have no chance
of remembering anything
that happens from
this moment on.
Give yourself a
round of applause.
[EVERYONE APPLAUDING]
This is really impressive.
Oh, how kind of
you to join us?
Please take those
sunglasses off.
You're not in
witness protection.
RITA: Is you know who here?
KIWI:
Yeah, yeah. She's here.
God, you guys are
like teenagers.
Oh, thanks girl.
You're not fucking Joan Jett.
You haven't earned
the right to be late.
Joan Jett?
Oh sweet Charlie.
That really was the
most recent reference
you could think of, huh?
Oh my God.
Hilarious, age jokes.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised
if you don't even make
it through the
week Nomi Malone.
What is going on here?
Are you two dating?
Are you making content for
your private Only Fans page?
It's okay, your secret
is safe with me.
But seriously,
I'm gonna guess what
you do for a living.
Okay, okay.
Let me get it.
You're unemployed slash
in between jobs.
I'm a screenwriter.
Yeah, that's what I just said.
[HORN HONKS]
ANCHOR: She's hot tonight.
Do the road head song!
All right.
No, I-
We want Rita.
We want Rita.
I'm gonna bring out
our next performer right now.
She's great, she's exquisite.
She's stunning.
With cheese in my mouth.
Give it up for the
10 dancing toes of Minaja!
ANCHOR: General reminder,
please do not forget
to tip your waiter.
Look at her hiding.
As if I'm the one
who should feel bad.
I did her a favor by
letting her join my band.
I was always more
well known than her
and she piggybacked on that,
like the mooch that she is.
I did not spend my
life paying my dues,
climbing the pageant ladder
to be manipulated by
some hot topic reject,
who has zero regard
for who got her,
where she is today.
CHARLIE: You're up next, Royale.
It's just such a shame.
To lose such a great
friendship over a boy.
RITA: How dare you?
Don't you limit this atrocity
and make it sound so minuscule.
She could never
have anyone, never.
She always resented the
fact that they flock to me,
like flies to the flame.
KIWI: It's moths.
What?
Moths to the flame,
that's the saying?
You know, 'cause moths
are attracted to light.
Whatever.
The point is, I'm okay.
She is not.
Are you okay?
Kiwi?
Are you deaf?
I'm great.
I literally just said that.
- Okay.
- Whatever.
I don't have time for this.
I have a performance
to prepare for.
Don't you have something
less intrusive to be doing.
CHARLIE: Listen, and I
understand, but look,
I don't care who's
at fault, Stevie.
I don't wanna be in the
middle of this crap.
STEVIE: Well, Charlie,
you shouldn't have chosen
to work with drag queens.
If you wanted some
peaceful fucking existence.
That monster is parading around,
like she sweats out Dom and
her queefs smell of daffodils.
Slandering my good name!
Right. Like when you
pick
the name, Stevie Dix.
It's 'cause you were going for a
wholesome Martha Stewart vibe.
Come on, you stole
her boyfriend.
Just move on.
Wait a goddamn second.
Is that what she's
telling people?
Yeah.
- Firstly, I did not.
Secondly, this isn't
even about Carlos.
She's just deflecting because
she's having issues at
home and you know what?
Nevermind, I give
up with that woman.
Ricky, I hate to be the
one to tell you this,
but there's some fresh
college girl vomit
all over the ladies room,
all over the sink
and everything.
Hi Stevie.
Hey Nolan.
What the haps.
Hey guys, It's Nolan.
I have a bad news.
Dix Royale broke up.
We were so happy.
Dammit!
Mom! Where's the tape?
Great job today.
Thank you.
I do have a question.
Well, if it's the same
question you always have.
No, we're not back together.
No, we haven't made up.
And yes, she's still a twat.
I do have a
different question.
Yes?
Can we start a band?
Me and you?
Listen, Nolan.
I love that idea,
but honestly, I'm just not
that into music right now.
She's kinda ruined
the whole idea for me,
you understand, right?
Hey Stevie, there's
someone looking for you?
Oh! You told him I don't
have the money, right.
No.
It's the guy from
the drag talent show.
He's looking for you and Rita.
Wait, seriously?
Yes.
- Where?
He's over there.
But just look at me.
Look, look, look,
he's got a reputation.
You know what I mean?
He's gonna try and like...
[GIBBERISH SOUNDS]
Wait, what?
He's gonna try
and fuck you Stevie.
Okay. So just be careful.
Be careful.
HUGO:
Ah, the woman,
the goth, the legend,
Stevie Dix.
Have a seat.
I've watched so much of
your audition footage
and internet crap.
I feel like I know you.
Oh, I don't know you.
Oh my mistake.
I'm Hugo and this
is Hugo Jr.
We are here to talk to you
about your submission to,
'Talent's A Drag'.
Yes?
Here's the thing, Steve,
can I call you Steve?
It's a little butch,
but if you must.
Our show is comprised of
a lot of talented queens.
I watched first hand
each and every tape,
singers, dances, contortionist-
We even saw this one
girl spin a fiery baton
only using her butt muscles.
Wow.
Wow is right.
The point being your
tape was fantastic.
Really?
Really.
But this is a big issue.
You are Dix Royale.
You are one half of
a Drag Super Machine.
You need that other half.
I wouldn't say I need her.
You do.
But, I'm doing
just fine on my own.
You're not.
I feel like I
can compete alone.
You can't.
We can only
accept you as a team.
You've gotta be shitting me.
- I'm not.
- But we broke up.
We are done! Fin!
I know.
- Fin.
HUGO: I know. But perhaps you
two can find a way to work
together on this.
Think about your career.
Think about it as a whole.
You know how much
exposure our show gets.
I don't wanna have
to tell you that.
You have to think
big picture Rita.
We're big picture.
I'm sure you
too can find a way
to stand each
other for one week.
You'd be surprised.
Well, you are more than
welcome to turn this down,
but do you really wanna work
at the Plastic Pancake Palace
for the rest of your life?
Do you?
RICKY: I got all that
vomit, thanks Stevie.
Dear God.
It's only a week?
One week for you
guys to rehearse,
then an interview and
a taped performance.
And if you win,
not only do you have
a chunk of money,
we'll put you up in LA
for a series of shows.
Already sold out, might I add.
All you have to do
is tolerate one tiny person
for that amount of time.
Oh, come on.
It's not so bad, is it?
- There's literally-
- Literally no other option.
There's not.
- What did Rita say?
- What did Dix say?
I just need a yes from you.
- Fine.
- Okay.
You won't regret this.
Oh and by the way, you
guys are going to therapy.
Oh, fuck no.
NARRATOR: Have you ever
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Chances are you're lost.
And we here at Serenhaven
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Our licensed world renowned
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therapeutic experience.
Using tools designed
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like group therapy sessions
and interactive activities.
Such as A S M R,
C B D,
W T F,
and more.
Be one with nature.
Be one with yourself.
Come one, come all.
Serenhaven.
NDA required of legal
restrictions apply.
Welcome friends.
Welcome.
What a glorious occasion.
What a glorious day, indeed.
Oh, indeed.
Look around you.
Look around.
At the vast, expansive
greenery
that is Topanga.
It never quite gets old.
Does it dear?
Well, how about you two?
You're here together, yes?
Who us?
Not exactly.
What's your name?
Rita.
Welcome, Rita.
EVERYONE: Welcome Rita.
Oh God! That's new.
Welcome back, Lewis.
And you are?
Stevie.
EVERYONE: Welcome Stevie.
RITA: Jesus hell.
What's your name, dear?
Gigi.
Welcome Gigi.
Were you urged here
by someone else?
You could say that.
Well.
My mom was a great lady.
She could be
a real pushy lady.
You know what I mean.
[LAUGHS]
Tell us a bit about that.
Fine, okay.
Here goes.
It was just another
boring fucking day.
Deep in the heart of
rich, white, Silver Lake.
How's the show coming?
It's fine.
It's a lot of work,
but it's all fine.
It's all fine.
I told you.
I'm always here,
if you need help.
It's called a one
woman show for a reason.
I know.
And if I ask for help, I
mean like where does it end?
Mom, come help me set up.
Mom, help me rehearse.
Mom, do my laundry.
I do do your laundry for you.
I need to do this on my own.
And once I'm done raising
money to book the theater,
it'll all be smooth sailing.
When you get that job,
you'll be able to pay for it.
Exactly.
- It's gonna be...
- Fine.
Great.
It's gonna be great.
Great.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
ELOISE: Call me when
you want me to pick you up.
Love, love.
GIGI: Love, love.
Today is the first day of
your fucking life, gorgeous.
Oh, Hi sir. I'm doing a little
one woman drag show.
It's free.
Hey girl, hey, I'm doing a
little one woman drag show.
You should come,
support theater.
[SOFT MUSIC]
Hey pretty babies.
You guys like Drag Queens?
Oh my God, like
that drag race thing.
No, I love that show.
Drag has been around for
a lot longer than that.
I know but -
Do you see how Will Smith
wore drag to that premiere?
So fucking revolutionary.
- Wasn't it amazeballs?
I was literally
gagging for real.
Like he was redefining
the gender stereotype.
Do you remember that time?
That Miley stopped
shaving your pits?
Yeah. I went on a shaves strike
for like three full weeks.
People's profiles now
are like she/her
or they/them.
I love that we can do that now.
- She was at the super random
kickback in Los Feliz...
[BOTH TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY]
Are you kidding?
Do you guys just like the
sound of your own voices?
What the actual fuck
are you talking about?
Do you even know where you
are geographically right now?
[LAUGHS]
I'm totes kidding.
Oh my God, girl.
You got a little
crazy right there.
Here's a flyer. I'm doing a
little one woman show.
You should totally come.
We'll have mimosas after.
Hope you'll be there.
Oh my God!
Fuck!
And I should
have left it there.
I really should have,
but my dumb ass had to use
a 'phone a friend' card.
Hey girl, you home?
Yeah, girl, I'm in your hood.
You trying to hang?
Oh girl. I could use some.
Yeah, because-
Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
I'm like two seconds
from your house.
Okay.
All right, I'll see
you a second, bye.
I don't even
want a regular job.
It makes me just cringe.
Just thinking about taking
care of some old fart,
feeding him applesauce and
washing his sock suspenders.
I don't think you know
anything about old people.
Exactly.
I don't and
I don't want to.
Only thing I care about
is this damn show.
Only problem is nobody
else cares about it.
Hey, help me.
I've offered to help
you a thousand times,
but you always said-
I know what I said.
It's not working.
So are you asking for help?
Let's not make this a thing.
You Gigi De Janeiro,
one woman show queen,
unstoppable force
are asking for help?
Yeah. Okay.
I'm asking for help, whatever.
I'm more than happy
to front you the money.
Olive, no, you can't do that.
I can and I'm going to,
because you would
never ask me to
and you can pay me back when
you're a megastar, okay.
I can't accept that.
Shush, it's done.
Bitch you got a brain freeze?
What are you doing?
Shh, I'm thinking.
So you just need to
get people there.
Yes.
I need people there.
No matter what it takes.
I mean, yeah.
No matter what
it takes, right.
No matter what it takes.
Sure.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
I'll handle it.
Let me handle it.
I will be your marketing guru
and you can just focus on
putting your act together
and not like metaphorically.
Like you actually need
to get your act together.
Something tells me
I'm gonna regret this.
If that's Gigi
speak for, thank you,
then you're very welcome.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Superstar.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
LEWIS: Wow.
I can't believe your mom
still does your laundry.
So, then what happened?
Ow. What?
You're so intrusive.
Me?
Yes you,
don't get me started.
We have enough working
against us in the
real world, don't we?
Must we tear each other
apart bit by bit in here too?
Lewis,
why don't you pick us up
on some of the new
happenings in your life?
Oh, well sure.
I mean,
how can I miss an
opportunity to expose myself
to a bunch of humans
I've never met before?
Hello ladies, I'm Lewis.
EVERYONE: Welcome Lewis.
Okay, that's still weird.
Well, you see,
as you get older,
things tend to speed up a bit,
but you realize that
each and every day
could be your last
chance to do something.
You know,
something spectacular.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
SIMON: Lulu, where
are the bingo cards?
LULU:
Top door under the left bar.
No, I just looked there.
Hey Eddie, where
are the bingo cards?
Bingo cards.
Bingo cards.
Ask Lulu.
Guys.
Can you just keep things
in the same place?
Just once, pretty
please, please.
Ladies.
Are you decent?
I shouldn't ask.
I know I didn't ask.
Very decent girl.
--Sookie, Sookie.
If it isn't my
hot straight husband.
Hey baby.
Am I going through menopause
or did the room just heat up?
Ladies, ladies. Do try to
control yourselves, please.
I'll try, I'll try.
- Thank you.
Simon, what
is going on here?
I thought we were gonna get
five minutes each up there,
but now Penny is telling
me we're doing groups.
Mary.
-That's some bullshit.
Mary, I just walked in here.
Don't you think I have
every intention of
explaining the format?
Do proceed, Bossman.
- Okay.
Let's try this again.
Hi ladies, good evening.
EVERYONE: Hi Simon.
As you know, this evening,
I have a friend coming
from WeHo, looking for a new
drag bingo host, okay.
So as much as I hate to
part with any one of you,
I do know that eventually
every beautiful dove
must learn to fly.
That's right, baby.
Vultures fly too, you know.
That's you?
The talent portion is five
each, only five minutes.
Don't go milking another minute.
I'm talking to you, Layla.
All right.
When my phone flash goes off,
that means your five
minutes is up, period.
Any questions?
No, honey.
I recommend doing funny
tonight ladies, okay.
Drag bingo is supposed
to be funny after all,
if you're doing lip
syncing, make sure it's-
EVERYONE: Funny.
Good job.
Looking lovely.
Looking lovely.
Lew, why so blue?
Not blue.
Just focused.
Okay.
Don't overthink it, okay.
You got more fucking
talent in that little toe
than any other girl here.
Thanks Simon.
All right, the
order is Penny, Augusta.
That's me.
- Mary, don't complain.
Layla and Marmalade.
What are we not
going to be ladies.
EVERYONE: Boring.
Bingo, pun intended.
Love you ladies.
We'll be fucking
hilarious, Simon.
I know you will.
Why are you gonna start now?
GUY: Thank you, Lewis.
Well, that's about all the
time we have time for today.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh thank God.
We'll see you next time.
I can't believe this.
Why did I come to this?
Un-freaking believable!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Uh, where are they?
RITA: They left a note on the
gate.
We had to head into town due
to the oncoming C B D shortage.
Make yourselves at home
and start without us.
You got this and remember
you're not alone.
Winky face, love and
light, signed Guy and Gale.
Oh, brother.
Peachy.
GOD: They're right.
You're not alone.
Who are you?
Do you always sneak
up on people like this?
Oh great. What do we get someone
new every time?
Is there like a grab bag
of gurus or something?
Something like that.
Oh, well that's
not confusing at all.
Let's start with
you, Stevie and Rita.
So you know our names?
Yes.
Where are you guys
at with the contest?
So do we need to like
catch you up or anything or-
I'm all caught up.
Okay, we'll talk
about that later.
Okay.
So, after we received
that awful news.
You guys are going to therapy.
We decided to try
and work things out.
Emphasis on try.
[NOTIFICATION RINGS]
[NOTIFICATION RINGS]
You fucking kidding me.
[NOTIFICATION RINGS]
Seven frigging am.
[NOTIFICATION RINGS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
Hey.
Hello.
This is new.
And?
And, how are you?
I'm great.
Good.
Glad to hear.
- Oh no, no, no, no.
This is my space.
Your space is right here.
Okay.
But where are we gonna rehearse?
Here.
In the dirt?
Yes, princess.
But I'm wearing heels.
Well that sounds more
like a Stevie problem
than a Rita problem.
So you decided to
ditch the parent's house.
Oh no.
We're all living in
this shit bag together,
in perfect harmony.
Mother, father, care to
come out and join us.
Oh, that's right, they're dicks.
Sorry.
I didn't know, it was that bad.
Whatever, let's
just get started.
Don't you think we
should talk about this?
About what?
The elephant in
the, whatever this is.
Look, let's call
it what it is,
an opportunity for
us both, separately.
We can put on our
face for the audience,
we can win this and then we
can go our separate ways.
Rita, this isn't
going to work,
if we have all this
pent up anger between-
There's no anger.
Okay.
Well you just seem
pretty peeved right now.
What with your body language
and your gum chewing
and your dramatic sunglasses.
There's no anger.
See?
So cute.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Okay. So, okay, so,
these are mics.
The audience is out here.
I say we do just arms, no legs.
Oh, shocking.
- No, I don't do like that.
I don't do legs.
We're gonna dance, cause
you wanna win this?
Correct?
Well, yes, that would be nice.
So look, we're
start like this.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
GOD: Good, good.
You guys are trying.
Trying is just the beginning.
Gigi, Olive took over the
marketing for your show.
And then what happened?
Oh, how did you...?
Nevermind.
Um, when she took over
marketing. All right.
Hmmm, then shit hit the fan.
And my mom comes bursting
into my room the other morning
and she's like-
Klein baby!
I'm so proud of you!
How come you didn't tell me?
Jesus woman.
What the hell?
It's time to celebrate.
I'm gonna make heart
shaped pancakes.
Oh my God.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[TEXT SOUNDS]
Oh no, she didn't.
[DOOR KNOCKS]
What the hell is this?
A poster?
Not that, this.
A way for you to
bring in an audience.
No matter what it takes.
That's not what I was
talking about, Olive.
Okay.
Well you didn't say that.
Well,
I didn't think you were
going to turn my entire show
into a lie.
But is it a lie?
Yes, it's exactly just that.
Oh, well it's too late now.
We're basically sold out.
I'm seeing spots.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Calm down.
It's all gonna be fine.
And what do I do when I
get there to do my show
and everyone else has turned
up to see freaking Harlow.
Huh?
And she doesn't show up.
What's the big plan then?
Well.
Oh, hell no bitch.
Okay, You know what?
Look, every big artist has done
something controversial
to get attention.
Banksy, Picasso, every
single Kardashian and Jenner.
Kardashian, you said art.
Art is subjective.
Look, you just need
to take that curveball
that life through at you and...
You.
You threw the curve ball.
Same diff, anyway.
You take that curve ball
and you just smack
it out of the field.
Is that supposed to
be a basketball analogy?
I don't know Gigi, you know
sports isn't my thing.
Okay, look.
Bring in the audience
and then you be so good
that they forget they came to
see Harlow in the first place.
Well, I don't really
have a choice now.
Do I?
- Hmm,Mm.
Fine.
But the only reason
I'm doing this is
because I don't have
another option.
And the theater deposit
is non refundable.
That's the spirit.
Yeah.
[SOFT MUSIC]
Real talk, Geeg.
Did you ever think that this is
how you were going to get
people to come to your show?
No, of course not.
This is your last chance.
Hmm.
Have you been busting
your ass for a world
that doesn't care about
what you have to say?
That thinks that you're
playing dress up,
that thinks that you
should fall in line
and be who they tell you to be.
You've never been that.
You can't be that,
because no one will
make you happy, but you.
Geeg.
Geeg, first of all,
how are you feeling?
Are you remembering to breathe?
Nope.
- Great.
Secondly, have you
looked out there?
No, why.
Gigi?
What?
Gi. Gi.
What?
It's official, baby.
You arrived.
I'm gonna throw up.
Don't you dare!
That ombre lip is perfect.
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seat.
It's showtime.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
And now, the moment
you've been waiting for.
Harlowe!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
All right, well you did it
and
you're seemingly not dead.
That's a relief, isn't it?
Yeah.
Lewis?
You care to continue?
Well, as I was saying, the
girls and I were getting ready.
I need to fuck these lips up.
While the club was filling
up with fans and onlookers.
I'm sure you all
can relate to the,
well, probably not.
That's when that
little cross-dressing
neighbor boy of mine
decided to barge in.
I saw this.
What the-
Lewis?
Oh honey.
Little boys are not
supposed to be in the
ladies' dressing room.
What on God's green
earth are you doing here?
Can you come here?
What?
I need to talk to you.
For fuck's sake, I have a
show I'm getting ready for.
These young transvestites
nowadays.
They really need to
get security back here.
Listen, kid. This better
be life of death, okay?
Hi.
Hello.
Right, sorry.
I need to tell you something.
Look, I can't talk to you
about cross dressing right now.
Okay, I have a very fucking
important show tonight.
I heard them talking
in the bathroom.
Who?
SIMON: Augusta is
great, but Marmalade,
she's the one
you're looking for.
LIV:
Yeah, if what I was
looking for was almost dead.
Simon, come on.
She looks like my dad in a wig.
SIMON: She's hysterical.
Funny is great,
but so is being attractive.
Let her go up and do
her generic slapstick,
but I've got my eye on Augusta.
And this lady, Lewis,
she's such an asshole.
Okay, listen.
We need to get a few
things straight here, okay.
You kids nowadays. I'm gonna
ask you a series of questions.
Okay?
Okay.
Do you see the
lipstick on my lips?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
And do you see these acrylics
on my freshly shaved fingers?
Do I look like a woman to you?
Yeah.
Yeah. Well then you'll
address me as such.
Right, sorry.
Marmalade, um,
they were saying
some really harsh
stuff about you.
I mean, I don't wanna tell
you this stuff. I just, I didn't
want you going out there.
- Are you done?
Yeah.
Good.
Listen.
Don't you ever come back in
that dressing room again?
Do you understand me?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Starlight lounge.
[MARMALADE SIGHS]
We have some fantastic,
beautiful women.
[MARMALADE EXHALES]
Because, let's face it, honey.
We're not getting any
younger, you know, you and me.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
Marmalade, you're next.
STEVIE: Lewis.
Lewis, Lewis.
What?
She's gone.
Wait.
Yeah, guess that means
we're done for the day.
Un-fucking believable.
What does a gal gotta do to
finish a story around here?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Sorry, I'm late. My boyfriend
would not shut the hell up.
Nevermind.
What are we-
She looks great,
but maybe just-
Can we get the
powder just right,
right here in the T area.
Don't forget to tease her-
- No, I got this...
Hi, gorgeous.
Oh my God.
I'm having a bit of like,
what are they called?
Like an out of body experience
because I can't believe I'm
sitting in front of you.
I am such a fan.
Okay.
So, this is just gonna
be us gals, right?
No one else is here.
Walls, roof, we're at
home chatting, that's it.
All right.
So I'm just gonna
ask a few questions
and you just make
sure that you answer
with complete sentences.
So if I were to say like,
how are you feeling today?
You'd be like, oh, Scheana,
I'm feeling great today.
Not just like fine.
You feel me, right?
Yeah, I feel you.
You are hilarious.
She's gonna kill it.
Okay. We're ready.
Are you ready?
Doesn't matter.
We're going. All right.
How are you feeling
like, right now?
I feel great.
Like, I just gotta get
my head in the game.
You know, I have a big
performance to prepare for
and I just wanna make
my parents proud.
That's amazing.
Okay.
Well, let's get to
the nitty gritty.
What's it been like to
work with Stevie Dix again?
Fine, I guess.
Complete sentences.
Working with Stevie
has been fine, I guess.
Obviously, I'd rather not
clearly, but I'm a professional.
I'm very good at what I do.
And I would never let
anyone change that.
Totally.
And like mad respect girl.
I could never, ever,
I'd be like, I hate you,
I'm gonna kill you.
But rumor has it.
She like stole your boyfriend.
It's gotta make
you like mad, right?
Look, if Stevie wants
my sloppy seconds,
she's more than
welcome to get in line.
That was so good.
Okay. So what do you think that
that this performance
is gonna be like?
The performance.
Given you guys is
kind of brutal history.
I'm not worried
about the performance.
Because I'll be picking
up her slack per usual.
I have more depth in
my tiny little toe
than that talentless freak
has in her entire boring twat.
Sorry, not sorry.
[LAUGHS]
Oh my God.
You're an angel sent
from the heavens.
Okay.
I wanna be you when I grow up.
Okay. I gotta go.
[BUILDING MUSIC]
Calm down. Will you?
Hello?
Are you okay?
Fine.
Fucking bitch.
What?
Nothing?
I'm rehearsing just, shh.
Oh, Holy Dolly Parton.
She ready.
SCHEANA: Ladies you set.
Hey gals, your equipment's
already set up.
Uh, we're on a tight schedule.
Are the producers
like in here?
Mmhmm. Sure are.
Two cameras on you guys.
We have time for one take.
So please feel free to do
your best work right away.
Cool? Cool.
HUGO: Alright, Dix Royale.
Ready to roll?
I suppose a couple
hours of rehearsal time is
out of the question?
[OPERA MUSIC]
[OPERA MUSIC]
[OPERA MUSIC]
[BUILDS TO CLIMAX]
[WINDS DOWN]
[APPLAUSE]
HUGO:
Very good ladies.
Very nice indeed.
Before I forget,
I have a message from a
mutual friend of yours.
Girls.
Hey Rita.
Hey Stevie.
I just wanted to say how super
proud I am of both of you
Rita, I know you and I
had something special.
I always admired your poise.
Truth be told I
was in a bad place,
when Stevie came onto me.
Came onto you?
What the fuck are you?
Are you motherfucking
kidding me?
CARLOS: Sorry,
I have hurt you.
Stevie, I'm sorry, too.
Rita warned me about
your promiscuity.
And I took advantage of that.
I hope you guys win this show.
I'm really rooting for you.
Dix Royale, baby.
[LAUGHS]
Can you
believe this bullshit?
Rita.
Rita, you don't actually
believe any of this crap.
You.
Rita, nothing happened.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Did you not see the
same video I just did?
It was like a bad audition
tape for a soap opera.
It was clearly crap.
You knew how I felt about him.
I told you everything.
Every fucking thing.
You of all people should
know how hard it is to -
Yeah, of course, I know.
You've seen the shit I went
through with my family.
You know how much
I've had to hide.
I could never be
myself in my own home.
And I finally find someone
who will accept me for...
I just thought that if
anyone would understand
how rare that was, to find that,
I thought that would be you,
but you turned around and
you stabbed me in the back.
I did not.
You couldn't handle the fact
that I got all the attention,
could you?
No, you never could.
Rita Royale and her
interchangeable sidekick Stevie.
Stop.
- You have no presence.
You have no personality.
- Stop it.
You're a joke.
There's nothing
authentic about you,
because you're a mix of
a thousand other drags
because you're too boring
to stand on your own-
- Rita
- And I trusted you.
And you went and did that.
Rita, nothing happened.
Bullshit.
Nothing happened.
Rita, he's lying to you.
He was lying to you then
and he's lying to you now.
Rita, I know how it feels to
lose your family over this.
Okay, I know.
This isn't even about Carlos.
Just deflect,
like you always do.
Rita, are you an idiot?
This is what they want.
Would you look around you?
Who?
Them, them.
These fucking assholes.
They want us to fight.
They want the drama, Rita.
Listen to me.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Nothing happened with Carlos.
We drunkenly kissed one time
for like two Mississippis.
That is all, I swear to you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I never should have listened
to anything he said.
Nothing is worth this.
We were the only family we had
before any of this bullshit.
Prove it.
What?
Prove it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I swear on Dolly's life.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Oh, Stevie.
Suddenly, I'm feeling
very regretful.
You mean you're feeling sorry?
No, I'm just feeling
deep feelings of regret.
Which might make
you feel sorry.
What is this weird
emotion rushing over me?
It is, it's awful.
It's called feeling sorry.
I'm so regretful.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm such an asshole.
No, I am.
HUGO:
Wow, ladies.
That was fantastic.
Thank you, really.
You.
You dumpster fire, using us
for your own selfish purposes.
I swear to God.
If you air this,
all of America will know about
how you propositioned me.
I what?
Oh, don't act so innocent.
Earlier in my dressing room,
when you told me if I
performed fellatio on you,
you'd make sure we won.
That is absurd.
Hey, hey, hey, don't you
come anywhere near her.
And don't you
follow us out either.
Yeah.
Stay back.
RITA: Jesus.
What the fuck?
Hey, you stop filming this.
Stevie.
I was such a shit bag.
No, no.
Well, yes, yes you were.
But we're past that now.
I can't believe he
did that to you.
Who?
Hugo.
Metoo-ing you.
Oh, I made that up,
but it worked didn't it.
Now let's blow this
popsicle stand.
What's Noah doing here?
It's Nolan.
Whatever.
I got something to say.
Listen, Nolan.
Don't interrupt.
Your music is life changing
and you can't break up.
Listen, kid.
I'm not done.
Nevermind, I'm done.
Well, we're not
done making music.
Really?
Yes. We realize we can't let
the fear and bullshit
get in the way of our-
Because of me.
Not exact-
Yes.
We realized you were right.
Thank you, Nolan.
Now, come on.
We're going to get carbohydrates
and probably tequila shots.
You coming or what?
Me?
Yes, you.
You're our number
one fan, after all.
Am I in the band now?
RITA: Wait, what?
STEVIE: Yeah, he was
trying to replace you.
RITA: Is that so?
NOLAN: My bad.
RITA: I get it, kid,
but if it happens again,
I'll come for you.
NOLAN: Yes ma'am.
You sure you don't
want me to go with you.
Now, how do you think
that will make me look,
bringing my mother
as my bodyguard?
Very intimidating,
if you ask me.
And you say the entire words,
not just halves of them.
Hi, is this the-
And don't be sassy.
I'm not sassy.
Don't sass, Klein.
I'm serious.
- Okay.
- You be nice.
I'll be so profesh.
I didn't see an address.
ELOISE:
Listen, you don't have to
answer anything you don't want
to unless, you have an
actual attorney.
Attorney, I know.
I know.
Here?
Do I knock?
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
Is there password?
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
Hello?
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I must be in the wrong place.
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
No, no.
You're in the right place.
Oh.
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
Oh, another one.
Oh shit.
HARLOWE: Does that look good?
'Cause we're trying to encourage
people to go plant based.
So I just wanna be more...
I'm sorry.
I thought I was meeting
with like boring lawyers.
Gigi de Janeiro.
You look a lot different out
of drag, that's for sure.
Ooh.
You're like salivating
in the mouth there.
Ooh. Okay.
Leave, leave, leave.
Have a seat.
Sit, Ow.
Someone's fired.
Have a seat. Sit down.
Yep, good. Wow.
That was quite the stunt that
you pulled the other day.
Ahh yeah, umm.
Sorry.
My friend Olive kind of did
it without my knowledge.
And by the time it
had already come out,
my mom's asking me
if I want pancakes.
I don't believe, I
asked you a question.
Kombucha?
Um, no, thank you.
So plot twist.
I was actually at
your little stunt,
I got a really good glimpse
of what life might be like.
If I ever decided to
become a blow up doll.
You were there?
Yes ma'am.
Drink it.
It smells like feet, but it's
great for your digestion.
So here's the thing.
I got a bunch of DMs.
I got people emailing me.
I got calls from lawyers.
I heard from my sister,
who actually haven't heard
from in 12 blissful years.
She sent me a strongly
worded email.
So I thought, what the heck,
I'll pop on down to see the
show. See what kind of raging
lunatic has announced me in a
show
that I have no knowledge of.
Queue you.
I apologize for that.
I really do.
The thing is, I have been
working my ass off
in this industry for a really
long time. And I, hmmm...
I've actually sacrificed a lot.
I've had a lot of friendships,
just, poof.
I have sold protein powder.
and those teeth whitening
strips that do not work.
Oh, I know I bought them.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I have had to babysit or nanny
for some snotty nose kids
while their parents go and
travel to the Galapagos
to pretend that they
care about sea turtles.
And you wanna know what Gigi,
they don't care
about sea turtles.
They still drink from straws.
And I did all of this
and so much more,
all to become the Harlowe
that you see in
front of you today.
And then what did you
do, you little minx?
You went and stole my
picture ya goose.
You slapped it up on a poster.
Then you dressed up a blow up
doll, to look exactly like me.
All, so people would come
to your silly sad show.
So, I've got an idea,
a couple of options.
Here they are.
So option number one,
obviously, I could sue you
for character defamation.
That means we've gotta
get lawyers involved
and I'm assuming you're
already pretty broke.
So this would make
you even more broke.
Oh, I know, I see that.
That landed, didn't it?
Or, option number two.
I capitalize on this
as much as you did.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand.
I know I'm
speaking in riddles.
So here's the thing,
I am about to go on the
second leg of my world tour.
Now my opening act, we
had creative differences.
She was awful.
So we need to replace her with
a girl or perhaps a queen.
Wait, you want me
to open for your tour?
Oh, Gigi stop.
[BOTH LAUGH]
As a human being with morals
and standards, absolutely not.
But as a business, bi-otch,
I've seen the value
you bring to a show.
And this could be a
good thing for both of us.
Anyway, this opportunity
is about to run out.
So, I'm gonna need
to answer now.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[ OPERA MUSIC ]
STEVIE: Holy!
Yes.
Well, I wouldn't go that far,
but...
You couldn't believe...
it was all like, oh God-
- Girl!
- But the show aired...
But it was amazing.
- The performance was so good!
- It was! I mean we deserved it.
And what about you, Lewis?
Girl, you have
gotta stop doing that.
We never heard the
end of your story.
Wha...
Next up we have a
very, very lovely lady.
And like she always says,
who wants to try new wine
when you can have the fine wine?
Marmalade.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Come get it.
Give it up for Simon, yes.
Quit it, some more.
No, really.
Quit it some more, keep going.
How y'all doing tonight?
I've got a special treat for
you because I'm an actress.
So I'm going to give you a
dramatic interpretive reading
of some notes that I
received from my girlfriend
in high school.
What's so funny?
Oh no, I said girlfriend, honey,
you know, I've taken a dip in
the lady pond a time or two.
Then I got a yeast infection.
Oh, it doesn't
matter to me, honey.
I don't care if they're male,
female or hermaphrodite.
I'll eat anything with
a sneeze guard over it.
[PHONE NOTIFICATION RINGS]
Here we go.
Alright, here we go.
It says, dear Lewis,
that's my name.
Don't wear it out.
See on this pink stationary.
Wasn't she cute?
I often think about what
went wrong between us.
Well, for starters, honey, I
wasn't checking out your ass,
I was checking to see if
your jeans might fit me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[PHONE NOTIFICATION RINGS]
And let's see.
Oh dear Lewis.
When you met my parents,
I thought in that moment we
would be together forever.
Well, I thought I'd be
banging your dad by now.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]
[PHONE NOTIFICATION RINGS]
Hey.
Umm, lady. Hi.
How are you?
You getting a funny
text message or something.
Someone post a funny gif or a
meme or something like that.
Is that what's
going on back there.
Hello?
Hi.
I'm talking to you.
Are you deaf?
I asked you a question.
What's so fucking funny?
Me?
Yeah, you.
I was just texting
my girlfriend.
Oh, you're talking
to your girlfriend.
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
That is so rude of
me to interrupt you.
Please continue
by all means.
Keep texting your girlfriend.
What the hell is happening?
I'm just up here
pouring my heart out.
And you're sitting
across this dark bar
in your fucking red
pants suit privilege.
Just fucking taking a shit
all over me, you know.
Yeah. You're just taking a big
old shit all over my fucking
face.
[SILENCE]
Do you know how long I've
waited for your stupid ass
to fucking come along?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Do you even care?
I've been doing
drag since I was 19.
Okay. I've been fighting
for this passion,
since I was a fucking kid.
Do you even know how old I am?
No, you don't know.
I started gender bending
while you were still fucking
the high school football
team behind the bleachers
and probably the coaches too.
This sucks so much,
because I put so much
heart into what I do.
I do.
I put so much heart
into what I do
because this is
life or death for me
and most of these girls.
We started dressing in
our mom's night gowns
when we were five years old,
because it's the only way we
knew how to express ourselves
or perform in front of a mirror.
We get so much
fucking joy from it
and we're beat and fucking
judged our whole fucking lives,
every single fucking day
because of our gender
management issues.
And then you want to come
in here and fucking judgey judge
and texty text on your
stupid fucking phone.
Like you're some
stupid fucking VIP.
How fucking dare you?
You are not the VIP.
Okay.
We are the VIP.
I hope your hair falls out.
I hope you have to wear wigs.
I hope you feel
what it feels like to fail
and still be able to wake
up every day and keep going.
Because you love
yourself that much.
I hope that for all of you,
you can judge every
wrinkle on my skin
and every fucking caked
up pour on my face
and I don't fucking care.
I don't need this shit.
I don't need you.
Fuck you, you fucking-
[SILENCE]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[SOBS]
[BAR IS QUIET]
[CLAPPING]
Yeah.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
What the fuck was that?
[AUDIENCE YELLING AND CHEERING]
- Yeah!
Yeah! Woo!
I told you she's hysterical.
They love her, come on.
[AUDIENCE YELLING AND CHEERING]
Maybe the old dog does
have a few new tricks.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
IN BACKGROUND]
[UPLIFTING MUSIC]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
IN BACKGROUND]
RITA: Wait a
pretty little second.
If you've got it
all figured out,
what the hell are
you doing here?
Well, I mean,
do any of us really
have it all figured out?
You know, I'm just trying
to take life less seriously.
I mean, it's only
life after all.
And besides Latoya
was proud of me
and she wanted me to
share my wisdom with you.
So I did.
You're welcome.
Latoya.
And please stop
shitting in my wigs.
My parakeet.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I admire all of you for
baring your souls here.
It does not go unnoticed.
If there's any lesson to
be learned here is that,
Marmalade never really
needed us at all.
And neither did you.
And neither did you, Gigi.
You figured it the
hell out on your own.
You always did.
And you always will.
I'd be lying if I said,
it's all downhill from
here and you know that.
You're gonna have to
fight all your lives.
And just when you
think you've done it,
you'll have to fight even
harder for the next thing.
But don't ever stop.
'Cause people need you.
We need you.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC]
Oh, sorry, we're so late.
They were cutting trees up
in Topanga.
Oh, we couldn't get through.
- Story of our lives.
Oh, sorry, we
missed you last time.
But look at them.
You look like you're just
getting along fine without us.
GAIL: They're so sweet.
Anyway, let's get
started right away.
Oh w- wo-woah woah woah, what
about her?
- Who?
- Who?
[SOFT MUSIC]
Oh, what the f-?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[CASUAL ANIMAL BY HIRSCH]
Movin' no sleepin'
Work through the weekend'
I've got drinkin'
One hand,
What I'm savin'
You wanna chat
I assumed you were taken
I don't even feel the
same way
I forgot I can't recall
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
Life is so short, we
Live it up and then
get around to evolving
and after, three forty
Show up at my door so I know
it's important
I don't even feel the
same way
I forgot I can't recall
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Talk is nice
Tangible, sexual, stimulant
What you like?
I don't know
I'm alright with movin' slow
Know what you like
Don't hold me up
Casual animal
Playin' it right
Yes you are
As you walk back to
your love
I don't even feel the
same way
I forgot I can't recall
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
I don't even feel the
same way
- I forgot I can't recall
- Casual Animal
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
As you walk back to
your love
Talk is nice
Tangible, sexual, stimulant
What you like
I don't know
I'm alright with movin' slow
Know what you like
Don't hold me up
Casual animal
Playin' it right
Yes you are
As you walk back to
your love
I don't even feel the
same way
I forgot I can't recall
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
I don't even feel the
same way
- I forgot I can't recall
- Casual Animal
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
As you walk back to
your love
Talk is nice
Tangible, sexual, stimulant
What you like
I don't know
I'm alright with
movin' slow
Know what you like
Don't hold me up
Casual Animal
[MUSIC FADES]
[GENTLE MUSIC]
[SIGHS HEARD]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
GIGI: You got this.
This is baby-school stuff, baby.
And you're in the big leagues.
It's their mistake if
they don't want you.
You got better things going on.
They need you more
than you need them.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Good Lord, you
sound like Mom now.
Stop talking to
your own reflection.
I said stop it, stop it.
[HORN HONKS]
WOMEN #1:
Excuse me.
[GIGI GIGGLES]
This is your vehicle isn't it?
Yes.
GIGI: My apologies.
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
The lock the door subtly
so you don't seem
like a racist move.
[CAR ENGINE REVVING]
Always a classic.
[KISS SOUND]
Bye, ya dumb bitch.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
ESTHER: Yes?
Hi, I'm here for 10 o'clock
interview with...?
Esther?
ESTHER: I'll buzz you in.
Come straight in and up
the stairs, no snooping.
[DOOR LOCK BUZZES]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[FLOOR CREAKS]
ESTHER: I don't have all day.
Knock, knock.
Are you the boy I just
spoke to on the ringer?
That's me.
You're not what
I was expecting.
And why's that?
Well, you're...
- Too tall?
- Mm.
- Attractive.
- Mm-mm.
[GIGI GIGGLES]
Black, you mean?
- Yes, yeah, Black.
I don't know what the term
is that you use these days.
Uh, Black works just fine.
So, shall we sit down in here?
- What?
Yes, sit right there.
Ooh, of course.
Old haunted
baby doll chair, cute.
Is that supposed to be a joke?
Supposed to be.
Mm-hmm.
My, what a lovely
home you have.
It's nice.
But it's infested with vermin.
Ooh.
So what are you're
qualifications?
I have my resume right here.
Do I look like I
have my readers on?
What are you're
qualifications, Klaus?
It's Klein.
Well, I spent seven
months last year
taking care of my Aunt
Karen's Alaskan Huskies,
So, I figured, how much
harder can a human be, right?
Unless you shed like they did.
In which case,
I'm not your fool.
Oh, the caretaker position
isn't for me, smart ass.
It's for my husband, Warren.
And he is?
It's none of your
business, that's where he is.
Is he with us now?
He's sleeping,
if you must know.
And the position is
five days a week.
Monday to Friday.
Do you think you
can handle that?
Sure can.
Oh, shit.
Girl, you need help with that?
- Of course I do.
- Let me get it.
[ESTHER GROANS]
[KLEIN SIGHS]
I may look unconventional
to your old, normal pallet,
but you'll grow to love me.
Because truthfully,
everybody does.
You're quite cocky.
Confident is more the word.
Well, you know,
the last girl we had,
she was as white as printer
paper and she was an atrocity.
So maybe we're due for a change.
Oh, look at you, breaking
social stereotypes.
Oh, no, no, no.
On second thought, maybe
not that much of a change.
No, no, no, no, no.
Do see yourself out,
will you?
- I can do the job.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- I can.
Don't make me
wheel Warren in here
and have him force you out.
I completely understand.
Go.
Good day, old lady
from the Titanic.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
[GIGI SIGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
DEAREST: There he is.
There's my boy.
Good morning, Mommy Dearest.
Don't you look
like a snack today.
Oh, stop it.
So tell me, how'd it go?
Were you great?
Fabulous.
They said they have a
couple more interviews
and they'll call me
later and let me know.
That's amazing!
I know you got it.
How could they not love you?
I got you a present.
Oh, Klein, you didn't
have to get me a present.
Go ahead, open it.
Oh, wow.
Do you like it?
It's beautiful.
I hope you didn't spend
too much money on this.
Please, it was
practically a steal.
All right, gotta
go get ready, Mama.
BOTH: Love, love.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[GIGI SIGHS]
Hey.
What does that
bag of bones know?
Look at her.
She was one breath away
from Grey Gardens.
Just don't let this get to you.
And for fuck's sake, stop with
the damn inner monologues.
Who are you, Carrie Bradshaw?
HARLOWE (PHONE):
'Cause I spent a lot of time
really worried about
what every single person
was thinking about me.
I guess I had this
epiphany that everyone,
male, female, in between.
However they identify, you know,
we're all going through
this same struggle.
And I just realized,
wow, that's universal.
Learning to be able to
stand in front of the mirror
and just say.
HARLOWE AND GIGI:
Bitch, know your worth.
Then add tax.
Because no one can
make you happy but you.
And rose'.
[LAUGHS]
Oh.
Okay, Mama.
I gotta go.
Are you sure you
don't need a ride?
No, no, I'm good.
I'll just order one of
those Zoober things.
Oh, nonsense.
A lady shouldn't be alone
in a car with a stranger.
No, I'll drive you.
So good to me.
I love you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
MARMALADE: Ramen for
breakfast, ramen for lunch,
ramen for dinner,
ramen for brunch.
I need a mimosa.
I hear you over there,
chirping Latoya,
but you can't have ramen.
It's just for old Queens,
not skinny little
birdies like you.
Good morning.
Good morning Latoya.
[IMITATES CHIRPING SOUND]
My God, I feel like
I'm in The Birdcage.
Don't you give me that look.
You know, tonight
is very important.
Tonight's the night that all
of our dreams could come true.
'Cause we are ding, do...
I'm not a dancer.
Simon is bringing his friend
from Cheeseburger Sally's.
And if she likes me, really
really likes me, Sally Fields.
Well then I could go full time.
Wouldn't that be great.
Get us a full time gig.
And we could get out of this
hell hole known as Chatsworth.
'Cause let's face it, you know.
I mean, what have
we got going on here
other than it being the
porn capital of America.
And I know how into porn you
are you dirty little bird.
I know what you
do when I'm gone,
because let's face it.
My days of being a famous
porn star are far behind me.
You and I, we ain't
getting much younger girl.
So we gotta do something
and kick it into high gear
before rigor mortis sets in.
When did you become so morbid?
[CAR HONKS]
PENNY: Hey bitch!
You're late.
PENNY: I know. You're welcome.
You're always late.
The trunk's open, you
know where to put it.
Am I gonna find
a body back here?
PENNY:
Just move it to the right.
Like Thelma and Louise on crack.
TYLER: Lewis.
Hey Lewis, hey.
Oh, shit on a stick.
Looking good, Penny.
Call me when you
legal, tater tot.
Hey, how's it going?
Hey kid, it's going.
Hey look, I saw
that you threw out
that blue sequined top you had.
What the fuck?
You digging through my trash?
No, no, I, I just,
I saw it sticking outta the bin
and I know that it
had a busted seam,
so I thought I could fix it.
And if you have any other
outfits that you don't want,
I'm just like, like
a few doors down, so.
It's down the road.
Oh, okay.
Well I didn't
realize that you had
such a thriving drag career.
Oh, I mean, no.
I mean, I'm like an enthusiast.
I can never do what
you do, you know. Um.
So brave.
- Oh shit!
You got a light.
A what?
Lighter.
A light.
Uh, no I don't smoke.
Oh yeah, I'm boring that way.
I don't know.
That's good.
Keep it that way.
Or you know, you'll
end up looking like me.
You wanna guess how old I am?
That was, that was a joke.
That was a joke.
- Oh my God.
I'm sorry.
You almost had me there.
I can't.
My mom always said
that I was too gullible
to move to the west coast.
Go.
- Nope.
So are you guys
performing tonight?
Oh, come on kid you know my
schedule better
than I know my schedule.
What?
No.
I mean,
maybe I've been getting
really good at eyes lately.
Like my eyeliner
skills are way better
than they were before.
Is that so.
Yeah. No.
Umm,
I was thinking maybe if you're
free later, I could show you.
-Fuck.
Like you could tell me what
I'm doing wrong. If you're not
too busy.
Kid.
I got a lot going on, you know.
Yeah, no.
Totally.
I mean, I don't even know
what I could do for you anyway.
I mean, look at me, you know,
you need to go find one of
those web series influencers
or something.
Yeah.
Very stupid.
Ah, no worries.
Girl, he looked like
a hurt little puppy.
Fine.
Sorry, what?
Fine.
Tomorrow.
But I only have like
20, 30 minutes tops.
Okay?
Okay, cool.
Maybe I'll watch you
guys at the bar tonight.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye Marmalade.
No kid, come here.
We gotta get this straight.
Listen.
This weird fascination
you got with, you know,
cross dressing and all that.
That's all fine and dandy.
But when I'm here at home,
I'm just Lewis, you know,
just plain old Lewis.
- Right,
- sorry Lewis.
- Yeah. No Marmalade, kapeesh.
Kapeesh?
- Right, thank you.
Stay outta my trash.
Okay.
See you tonight, Lewis.
PENNY: You've got to be nicer
to that weird little child.
MARMALADE: That weird little
child needs church.
You better put the
peddle to the metal.
PENNY: I am trying.
MARMALADE: We gonna be late.
Watch out.
This is style.
I don't know what y'all driving,
but this the car right here.
This is the car.
PENNY:
Did I check my mirrors?
Drive in style.
It's a good thing,
you robbed that bank.
PENNY: Oh Shit.
- Oh oh.
PENNY: Look out.
Don't hit me now.
Okay. Thank you for,
I'm gonna go this way.
I'm gonna go this way.
Excuse me.
Oh look at her already
out here smoking cigarette.
PENNY: Look at this ho.
MARMALADE: High dollar!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
PENNY: Hey Boo.
ED: Hey Penny.
- Missed a spot.
Hey Ed.
I better not see fingerprints
on those glasses,
or you're fired.
Hey, fuck you too gorgeous.
MARMALADE: Aw, fuck you.
Who let these whores in here?
Close the door
behind your ass bitch?
LAYLA:
There's that old skank.
AUGUSTA WIND:
Oh, y'all. Shut up!
Hey Marm.
Marmy!
What.
Mama marmy! Are you
excited for tonight?
Simon says that lady
is definitely coming.
Excited, I'm about
to shit my panties.
It's all the same.
Oh please.
You're a shoe in.
Simon says this gal is the gal.
Oh, well if Simon says
it must be the case.
Well just don't fuck
it up even a little.
What, are you Ru Paul?
Yes, 'cause your entire
future depends on it.
Just kidding girl.
Come on.
Me, me, mama, Cardi B,
okaarrrrr.
Look, look, look.
I need this job y'all.
Mama needs some new titties.
[EVERYBODY LAUGHS]
LAYLA: Those titties
are falling apart
quicker than Marm's hairline.
- Uh, oh!
Hey, don't blame
me for Penny savers
dime store tatas, Lola.
- It's Layla.
- Whatever.
One word like Cher.
You used to babysit her.
Now she's a comedian.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
CHARLIE: Oh! you have
got to be shitting me.
STEVIE:
I know. I'm sorry.
The roommates were up all night
dropping acid with
the neighbors.
CHARLIE: What?
They just started watching
Euphoria,
it's like a whole thing.
This is a Boozy Brunch.
It is not a boozy show up,
whenever the hell you want.
Kiwi has been on stage
shaking her for 45 minutes.
They're bored. They're bored.
They're bored. Bored.
Okay. Okay.
I'm going.
Put those boots
on and get on stage.
I am going.
Get on stage please.
Perfect.
Oh my gosh, so stunning.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
KIWI: Oh God! Cut, alright!
Thank you.
ANCHOR: Round of applause for
Kiwi everyone. Ugh, hot!
STEVIE: Sorry, I'm here.
Girl I almost like
blacked out there.
I'm like seeing stars.
Is you know who here yet?
Not that I've seen.
- Blessed be. Okay.
Go find an inhaler.
Welcome the legend, herself,
the sensational,
Stevie Dix.
[NOLAN CHEERS LOUDLY]
Greetings! Fellow alcoholics.
And Nolan.
Hello Nolan.
I wanna wish my deepest
condolences to those of you
who are so blacked
out at the moment
that you have no chance
of remembering anything
that happens from
this moment on.
Give yourself a
round of applause.
[EVERYONE APPLAUDING]
This is really impressive.
Oh, how kind of
you to join us?
Please take those
sunglasses off.
You're not in
witness protection.
RITA: Is you know who here?
KIWI:
Yeah, yeah. She's here.
God, you guys are
like teenagers.
Oh, thanks girl.
You're not fucking Joan Jett.
You haven't earned
the right to be late.
Joan Jett?
Oh sweet Charlie.
That really was the
most recent reference
you could think of, huh?
Oh my God.
Hilarious, age jokes.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised
if you don't even make
it through the
week Nomi Malone.
What is going on here?
Are you two dating?
Are you making content for
your private Only Fans page?
It's okay, your secret
is safe with me.
But seriously,
I'm gonna guess what
you do for a living.
Okay, okay.
Let me get it.
You're unemployed slash
in between jobs.
I'm a screenwriter.
Yeah, that's what I just said.
[HORN HONKS]
ANCHOR: She's hot tonight.
Do the road head song!
All right.
No, I-
We want Rita.
We want Rita.
I'm gonna bring out
our next performer right now.
She's great, she's exquisite.
She's stunning.
With cheese in my mouth.
Give it up for the
10 dancing toes of Minaja!
ANCHOR: General reminder,
please do not forget
to tip your waiter.
Look at her hiding.
As if I'm the one
who should feel bad.
I did her a favor by
letting her join my band.
I was always more
well known than her
and she piggybacked on that,
like the mooch that she is.
I did not spend my
life paying my dues,
climbing the pageant ladder
to be manipulated by
some hot topic reject,
who has zero regard
for who got her,
where she is today.
CHARLIE: You're up next, Royale.
It's just such a shame.
To lose such a great
friendship over a boy.
RITA: How dare you?
Don't you limit this atrocity
and make it sound so minuscule.
She could never
have anyone, never.
She always resented the
fact that they flock to me,
like flies to the flame.
KIWI: It's moths.
What?
Moths to the flame,
that's the saying?
You know, 'cause moths
are attracted to light.
Whatever.
The point is, I'm okay.
She is not.
Are you okay?
Kiwi?
Are you deaf?
I'm great.
I literally just said that.
- Okay.
- Whatever.
I don't have time for this.
I have a performance
to prepare for.
Don't you have something
less intrusive to be doing.
CHARLIE: Listen, and I
understand, but look,
I don't care who's
at fault, Stevie.
I don't wanna be in the
middle of this crap.
STEVIE: Well, Charlie,
you shouldn't have chosen
to work with drag queens.
If you wanted some
peaceful fucking existence.
That monster is parading around,
like she sweats out Dom and
her queefs smell of daffodils.
Slandering my good name!
Right. Like when you
pick
the name, Stevie Dix.
It's 'cause you were going for a
wholesome Martha Stewart vibe.
Come on, you stole
her boyfriend.
Just move on.
Wait a goddamn second.
Is that what she's
telling people?
Yeah.
- Firstly, I did not.
Secondly, this isn't
even about Carlos.
She's just deflecting because
she's having issues at
home and you know what?
Nevermind, I give
up with that woman.
Ricky, I hate to be the
one to tell you this,
but there's some fresh
college girl vomit
all over the ladies room,
all over the sink
and everything.
Hi Stevie.
Hey Nolan.
What the haps.
Hey guys, It's Nolan.
I have a bad news.
Dix Royale broke up.
We were so happy.
Dammit!
Mom! Where's the tape?
Great job today.
Thank you.
I do have a question.
Well, if it's the same
question you always have.
No, we're not back together.
No, we haven't made up.
And yes, she's still a twat.
I do have a
different question.
Yes?
Can we start a band?
Me and you?
Listen, Nolan.
I love that idea,
but honestly, I'm just not
that into music right now.
She's kinda ruined
the whole idea for me,
you understand, right?
Hey Stevie, there's
someone looking for you?
Oh! You told him I don't
have the money, right.
No.
It's the guy from
the drag talent show.
He's looking for you and Rita.
Wait, seriously?
Yes.
- Where?
He's over there.
But just look at me.
Look, look, look,
he's got a reputation.
You know what I mean?
He's gonna try and like...
[GIBBERISH SOUNDS]
Wait, what?
He's gonna try
and fuck you Stevie.
Okay. So just be careful.
Be careful.
HUGO:
Ah, the woman,
the goth, the legend,
Stevie Dix.
Have a seat.
I've watched so much of
your audition footage
and internet crap.
I feel like I know you.
Oh, I don't know you.
Oh my mistake.
I'm Hugo and this
is Hugo Jr.
We are here to talk to you
about your submission to,
'Talent's A Drag'.
Yes?
Here's the thing, Steve,
can I call you Steve?
It's a little butch,
but if you must.
Our show is comprised of
a lot of talented queens.
I watched first hand
each and every tape,
singers, dances, contortionist-
We even saw this one
girl spin a fiery baton
only using her butt muscles.
Wow.
Wow is right.
The point being your
tape was fantastic.
Really?
Really.
But this is a big issue.
You are Dix Royale.
You are one half of
a Drag Super Machine.
You need that other half.
I wouldn't say I need her.
You do.
But, I'm doing
just fine on my own.
You're not.
I feel like I
can compete alone.
You can't.
We can only
accept you as a team.
You've gotta be shitting me.
- I'm not.
- But we broke up.
We are done! Fin!
I know.
- Fin.
HUGO: I know. But perhaps you
two can find a way to work
together on this.
Think about your career.
Think about it as a whole.
You know how much
exposure our show gets.
I don't wanna have
to tell you that.
You have to think
big picture Rita.
We're big picture.
I'm sure you
too can find a way
to stand each
other for one week.
You'd be surprised.
Well, you are more than
welcome to turn this down,
but do you really wanna work
at the Plastic Pancake Palace
for the rest of your life?
Do you?
RICKY: I got all that
vomit, thanks Stevie.
Dear God.
It's only a week?
One week for you
guys to rehearse,
then an interview and
a taped performance.
And if you win,
not only do you have
a chunk of money,
we'll put you up in LA
for a series of shows.
Already sold out, might I add.
All you have to do
is tolerate one tiny person
for that amount of time.
Oh, come on.
It's not so bad, is it?
- There's literally-
- Literally no other option.
There's not.
- What did Rita say?
- What did Dix say?
I just need a yes from you.
- Fine.
- Okay.
You won't regret this.
Oh and by the way, you
guys are going to therapy.
Oh, fuck no.
NARRATOR: Have you ever
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Our licensed world renowned
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Using tools designed
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Such as A S M R,
C B D,
W T F,
and more.
Be one with nature.
Be one with yourself.
Come one, come all.
Serenhaven.
NDA required of legal
restrictions apply.
Welcome friends.
Welcome.
What a glorious occasion.
What a glorious day, indeed.
Oh, indeed.
Look around you.
Look around.
At the vast, expansive
greenery
that is Topanga.
It never quite gets old.
Does it dear?
Well, how about you two?
You're here together, yes?
Who us?
Not exactly.
What's your name?
Rita.
Welcome, Rita.
EVERYONE: Welcome Rita.
Oh God! That's new.
Welcome back, Lewis.
And you are?
Stevie.
EVERYONE: Welcome Stevie.
RITA: Jesus hell.
What's your name, dear?
Gigi.
Welcome Gigi.
Were you urged here
by someone else?
You could say that.
Well.
My mom was a great lady.
She could be
a real pushy lady.
You know what I mean.
[LAUGHS]
Tell us a bit about that.
Fine, okay.
Here goes.
It was just another
boring fucking day.
Deep in the heart of
rich, white, Silver Lake.
How's the show coming?
It's fine.
It's a lot of work,
but it's all fine.
It's all fine.
I told you.
I'm always here,
if you need help.
It's called a one
woman show for a reason.
I know.
And if I ask for help, I
mean like where does it end?
Mom, come help me set up.
Mom, help me rehearse.
Mom, do my laundry.
I do do your laundry for you.
I need to do this on my own.
And once I'm done raising
money to book the theater,
it'll all be smooth sailing.
When you get that job,
you'll be able to pay for it.
Exactly.
- It's gonna be...
- Fine.
Great.
It's gonna be great.
Great.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
ELOISE: Call me when
you want me to pick you up.
Love, love.
GIGI: Love, love.
Today is the first day of
your fucking life, gorgeous.
Oh, Hi sir. I'm doing a little
one woman drag show.
It's free.
Hey girl, hey, I'm doing a
little one woman drag show.
You should come,
support theater.
[SOFT MUSIC]
Hey pretty babies.
You guys like Drag Queens?
Oh my God, like
that drag race thing.
No, I love that show.
Drag has been around for
a lot longer than that.
I know but -
Do you see how Will Smith
wore drag to that premiere?
So fucking revolutionary.
- Wasn't it amazeballs?
I was literally
gagging for real.
Like he was redefining
the gender stereotype.
Do you remember that time?
That Miley stopped
shaving your pits?
Yeah. I went on a shaves strike
for like three full weeks.
People's profiles now
are like she/her
or they/them.
I love that we can do that now.
- She was at the super random
kickback in Los Feliz...
[BOTH TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY]
Are you kidding?
Do you guys just like the
sound of your own voices?
What the actual fuck
are you talking about?
Do you even know where you
are geographically right now?
[LAUGHS]
I'm totes kidding.
Oh my God, girl.
You got a little
crazy right there.
Here's a flyer. I'm doing a
little one woman show.
You should totally come.
We'll have mimosas after.
Hope you'll be there.
Oh my God!
Fuck!
And I should
have left it there.
I really should have,
but my dumb ass had to use
a 'phone a friend' card.
Hey girl, you home?
Yeah, girl, I'm in your hood.
You trying to hang?
Oh girl. I could use some.
Yeah, because-
Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
I'm like two seconds
from your house.
Okay.
All right, I'll see
you a second, bye.
I don't even
want a regular job.
It makes me just cringe.
Just thinking about taking
care of some old fart,
feeding him applesauce and
washing his sock suspenders.
I don't think you know
anything about old people.
Exactly.
I don't and
I don't want to.
Only thing I care about
is this damn show.
Only problem is nobody
else cares about it.
Hey, help me.
I've offered to help
you a thousand times,
but you always said-
I know what I said.
It's not working.
So are you asking for help?
Let's not make this a thing.
You Gigi De Janeiro,
one woman show queen,
unstoppable force
are asking for help?
Yeah. Okay.
I'm asking for help, whatever.
I'm more than happy
to front you the money.
Olive, no, you can't do that.
I can and I'm going to,
because you would
never ask me to
and you can pay me back when
you're a megastar, okay.
I can't accept that.
Shush, it's done.
Bitch you got a brain freeze?
What are you doing?
Shh, I'm thinking.
So you just need to
get people there.
Yes.
I need people there.
No matter what it takes.
I mean, yeah.
No matter what
it takes, right.
No matter what it takes.
Sure.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
I'll handle it.
Let me handle it.
I will be your marketing guru
and you can just focus on
putting your act together
and not like metaphorically.
Like you actually need
to get your act together.
Something tells me
I'm gonna regret this.
If that's Gigi
speak for, thank you,
then you're very welcome.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Superstar.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
LEWIS: Wow.
I can't believe your mom
still does your laundry.
So, then what happened?
Ow. What?
You're so intrusive.
Me?
Yes you,
don't get me started.
We have enough working
against us in the
real world, don't we?
Must we tear each other
apart bit by bit in here too?
Lewis,
why don't you pick us up
on some of the new
happenings in your life?
Oh, well sure.
I mean,
how can I miss an
opportunity to expose myself
to a bunch of humans
I've never met before?
Hello ladies, I'm Lewis.
EVERYONE: Welcome Lewis.
Okay, that's still weird.
Well, you see,
as you get older,
things tend to speed up a bit,
but you realize that
each and every day
could be your last
chance to do something.
You know,
something spectacular.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
SIMON: Lulu, where
are the bingo cards?
LULU:
Top door under the left bar.
No, I just looked there.
Hey Eddie, where
are the bingo cards?
Bingo cards.
Bingo cards.
Ask Lulu.
Guys.
Can you just keep things
in the same place?
Just once, pretty
please, please.
Ladies.
Are you decent?
I shouldn't ask.
I know I didn't ask.
Very decent girl.
--Sookie, Sookie.
If it isn't my
hot straight husband.
Hey baby.
Am I going through menopause
or did the room just heat up?
Ladies, ladies. Do try to
control yourselves, please.
I'll try, I'll try.
- Thank you.
Simon, what
is going on here?
I thought we were gonna get
five minutes each up there,
but now Penny is telling
me we're doing groups.
Mary.
-That's some bullshit.
Mary, I just walked in here.
Don't you think I have
every intention of
explaining the format?
Do proceed, Bossman.
- Okay.
Let's try this again.
Hi ladies, good evening.
EVERYONE: Hi Simon.
As you know, this evening,
I have a friend coming
from WeHo, looking for a new
drag bingo host, okay.
So as much as I hate to
part with any one of you,
I do know that eventually
every beautiful dove
must learn to fly.
That's right, baby.
Vultures fly too, you know.
That's you?
The talent portion is five
each, only five minutes.
Don't go milking another minute.
I'm talking to you, Layla.
All right.
When my phone flash goes off,
that means your five
minutes is up, period.
Any questions?
No, honey.
I recommend doing funny
tonight ladies, okay.
Drag bingo is supposed
to be funny after all,
if you're doing lip
syncing, make sure it's-
EVERYONE: Funny.
Good job.
Looking lovely.
Looking lovely.
Lew, why so blue?
Not blue.
Just focused.
Okay.
Don't overthink it, okay.
You got more fucking
talent in that little toe
than any other girl here.
Thanks Simon.
All right, the
order is Penny, Augusta.
That's me.
- Mary, don't complain.
Layla and Marmalade.
What are we not
going to be ladies.
EVERYONE: Boring.
Bingo, pun intended.
Love you ladies.
We'll be fucking
hilarious, Simon.
I know you will.
Why are you gonna start now?
GUY: Thank you, Lewis.
Well, that's about all the
time we have time for today.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh thank God.
We'll see you next time.
I can't believe this.
Why did I come to this?
Un-freaking believable!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Uh, where are they?
RITA: They left a note on the
gate.
We had to head into town due
to the oncoming C B D shortage.
Make yourselves at home
and start without us.
You got this and remember
you're not alone.
Winky face, love and
light, signed Guy and Gale.
Oh, brother.
Peachy.
GOD: They're right.
You're not alone.
Who are you?
Do you always sneak
up on people like this?
Oh great. What do we get someone
new every time?
Is there like a grab bag
of gurus or something?
Something like that.
Oh, well that's
not confusing at all.
Let's start with
you, Stevie and Rita.
So you know our names?
Yes.
Where are you guys
at with the contest?
So do we need to like
catch you up or anything or-
I'm all caught up.
Okay, we'll talk
about that later.
Okay.
So, after we received
that awful news.
You guys are going to therapy.
We decided to try
and work things out.
Emphasis on try.
[NOTIFICATION RINGS]
[NOTIFICATION RINGS]
You fucking kidding me.
[NOTIFICATION RINGS]
Seven frigging am.
[NOTIFICATION RINGS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
Hey.
Hello.
This is new.
And?
And, how are you?
I'm great.
Good.
Glad to hear.
- Oh no, no, no, no.
This is my space.
Your space is right here.
Okay.
But where are we gonna rehearse?
Here.
In the dirt?
Yes, princess.
But I'm wearing heels.
Well that sounds more
like a Stevie problem
than a Rita problem.
So you decided to
ditch the parent's house.
Oh no.
We're all living in
this shit bag together,
in perfect harmony.
Mother, father, care to
come out and join us.
Oh, that's right, they're dicks.
Sorry.
I didn't know, it was that bad.
Whatever, let's
just get started.
Don't you think we
should talk about this?
About what?
The elephant in
the, whatever this is.
Look, let's call
it what it is,
an opportunity for
us both, separately.
We can put on our
face for the audience,
we can win this and then we
can go our separate ways.
Rita, this isn't
going to work,
if we have all this
pent up anger between-
There's no anger.
Okay.
Well you just seem
pretty peeved right now.
What with your body language
and your gum chewing
and your dramatic sunglasses.
There's no anger.
See?
So cute.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Okay. So, okay, so,
these are mics.
The audience is out here.
I say we do just arms, no legs.
Oh, shocking.
- No, I don't do like that.
I don't do legs.
We're gonna dance, cause
you wanna win this?
Correct?
Well, yes, that would be nice.
So look, we're
start like this.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
GOD: Good, good.
You guys are trying.
Trying is just the beginning.
Gigi, Olive took over the
marketing for your show.
And then what happened?
Oh, how did you...?
Nevermind.
Um, when she took over
marketing. All right.
Hmmm, then shit hit the fan.
And my mom comes bursting
into my room the other morning
and she's like-
Klein baby!
I'm so proud of you!
How come you didn't tell me?
Jesus woman.
What the hell?
It's time to celebrate.
I'm gonna make heart
shaped pancakes.
Oh my God.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[TEXT SOUNDS]
Oh no, she didn't.
[DOOR KNOCKS]
What the hell is this?
A poster?
Not that, this.
A way for you to
bring in an audience.
No matter what it takes.
That's not what I was
talking about, Olive.
Okay.
Well you didn't say that.
Well,
I didn't think you were
going to turn my entire show
into a lie.
But is it a lie?
Yes, it's exactly just that.
Oh, well it's too late now.
We're basically sold out.
I'm seeing spots.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Calm down.
It's all gonna be fine.
And what do I do when I
get there to do my show
and everyone else has turned
up to see freaking Harlow.
Huh?
And she doesn't show up.
What's the big plan then?
Well.
Oh, hell no bitch.
Okay, You know what?
Look, every big artist has done
something controversial
to get attention.
Banksy, Picasso, every
single Kardashian and Jenner.
Kardashian, you said art.
Art is subjective.
Look, you just need
to take that curveball
that life through at you and...
You.
You threw the curve ball.
Same diff, anyway.
You take that curve ball
and you just smack
it out of the field.
Is that supposed to
be a basketball analogy?
I don't know Gigi, you know
sports isn't my thing.
Okay, look.
Bring in the audience
and then you be so good
that they forget they came to
see Harlow in the first place.
Well, I don't really
have a choice now.
Do I?
- Hmm,Mm.
Fine.
But the only reason
I'm doing this is
because I don't have
another option.
And the theater deposit
is non refundable.
That's the spirit.
Yeah.
[SOFT MUSIC]
Real talk, Geeg.
Did you ever think that this is
how you were going to get
people to come to your show?
No, of course not.
This is your last chance.
Hmm.
Have you been busting
your ass for a world
that doesn't care about
what you have to say?
That thinks that you're
playing dress up,
that thinks that you
should fall in line
and be who they tell you to be.
You've never been that.
You can't be that,
because no one will
make you happy, but you.
Geeg.
Geeg, first of all,
how are you feeling?
Are you remembering to breathe?
Nope.
- Great.
Secondly, have you
looked out there?
No, why.
Gigi?
What?
Gi. Gi.
What?
It's official, baby.
You arrived.
I'm gonna throw up.
Don't you dare!
That ombre lip is perfect.
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seat.
It's showtime.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
And now, the moment
you've been waiting for.
Harlowe!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
All right, well you did it
and
you're seemingly not dead.
That's a relief, isn't it?
Yeah.
Lewis?
You care to continue?
Well, as I was saying, the
girls and I were getting ready.
I need to fuck these lips up.
While the club was filling
up with fans and onlookers.
I'm sure you all
can relate to the,
well, probably not.
That's when that
little cross-dressing
neighbor boy of mine
decided to barge in.
I saw this.
What the-
Lewis?
Oh honey.
Little boys are not
supposed to be in the
ladies' dressing room.
What on God's green
earth are you doing here?
Can you come here?
What?
I need to talk to you.
For fuck's sake, I have a
show I'm getting ready for.
These young transvestites
nowadays.
They really need to
get security back here.
Listen, kid. This better
be life of death, okay?
Hi.
Hello.
Right, sorry.
I need to tell you something.
Look, I can't talk to you
about cross dressing right now.
Okay, I have a very fucking
important show tonight.
I heard them talking
in the bathroom.
Who?
SIMON: Augusta is
great, but Marmalade,
she's the one
you're looking for.
LIV:
Yeah, if what I was
looking for was almost dead.
Simon, come on.
She looks like my dad in a wig.
SIMON: She's hysterical.
Funny is great,
but so is being attractive.
Let her go up and do
her generic slapstick,
but I've got my eye on Augusta.
And this lady, Lewis,
she's such an asshole.
Okay, listen.
We need to get a few
things straight here, okay.
You kids nowadays. I'm gonna
ask you a series of questions.
Okay?
Okay.
Do you see the
lipstick on my lips?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
And do you see these acrylics
on my freshly shaved fingers?
Do I look like a woman to you?
Yeah.
Yeah. Well then you'll
address me as such.
Right, sorry.
Marmalade, um,
they were saying
some really harsh
stuff about you.
I mean, I don't wanna tell
you this stuff. I just, I didn't
want you going out there.
- Are you done?
Yeah.
Good.
Listen.
Don't you ever come back in
that dressing room again?
Do you understand me?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Starlight lounge.
[MARMALADE SIGHS]
We have some fantastic,
beautiful women.
[MARMALADE EXHALES]
Because, let's face it, honey.
We're not getting any
younger, you know, you and me.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
Marmalade, you're next.
STEVIE: Lewis.
Lewis, Lewis.
What?
She's gone.
Wait.
Yeah, guess that means
we're done for the day.
Un-fucking believable.
What does a gal gotta do to
finish a story around here?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Sorry, I'm late. My boyfriend
would not shut the hell up.
Nevermind.
What are we-
She looks great,
but maybe just-
Can we get the
powder just right,
right here in the T area.
Don't forget to tease her-
- No, I got this...
Hi, gorgeous.
Oh my God.
I'm having a bit of like,
what are they called?
Like an out of body experience
because I can't believe I'm
sitting in front of you.
I am such a fan.
Okay.
So, this is just gonna
be us gals, right?
No one else is here.
Walls, roof, we're at
home chatting, that's it.
All right.
So I'm just gonna
ask a few questions
and you just make
sure that you answer
with complete sentences.
So if I were to say like,
how are you feeling today?
You'd be like, oh, Scheana,
I'm feeling great today.
Not just like fine.
You feel me, right?
Yeah, I feel you.
You are hilarious.
She's gonna kill it.
Okay. We're ready.
Are you ready?
Doesn't matter.
We're going. All right.
How are you feeling
like, right now?
I feel great.
Like, I just gotta get
my head in the game.
You know, I have a big
performance to prepare for
and I just wanna make
my parents proud.
That's amazing.
Okay.
Well, let's get to
the nitty gritty.
What's it been like to
work with Stevie Dix again?
Fine, I guess.
Complete sentences.
Working with Stevie
has been fine, I guess.
Obviously, I'd rather not
clearly, but I'm a professional.
I'm very good at what I do.
And I would never let
anyone change that.
Totally.
And like mad respect girl.
I could never, ever,
I'd be like, I hate you,
I'm gonna kill you.
But rumor has it.
She like stole your boyfriend.
It's gotta make
you like mad, right?
Look, if Stevie wants
my sloppy seconds,
she's more than
welcome to get in line.
That was so good.
Okay. So what do you think that
that this performance
is gonna be like?
The performance.
Given you guys is
kind of brutal history.
I'm not worried
about the performance.
Because I'll be picking
up her slack per usual.
I have more depth in
my tiny little toe
than that talentless freak
has in her entire boring twat.
Sorry, not sorry.
[LAUGHS]
Oh my God.
You're an angel sent
from the heavens.
Okay.
I wanna be you when I grow up.
Okay. I gotta go.
[BUILDING MUSIC]
Calm down. Will you?
Hello?
Are you okay?
Fine.
Fucking bitch.
What?
Nothing?
I'm rehearsing just, shh.
Oh, Holy Dolly Parton.
She ready.
SCHEANA: Ladies you set.
Hey gals, your equipment's
already set up.
Uh, we're on a tight schedule.
Are the producers
like in here?
Mmhmm. Sure are.
Two cameras on you guys.
We have time for one take.
So please feel free to do
your best work right away.
Cool? Cool.
HUGO: Alright, Dix Royale.
Ready to roll?
I suppose a couple
hours of rehearsal time is
out of the question?
[OPERA MUSIC]
[OPERA MUSIC]
[OPERA MUSIC]
[BUILDS TO CLIMAX]
[WINDS DOWN]
[APPLAUSE]
HUGO:
Very good ladies.
Very nice indeed.
Before I forget,
I have a message from a
mutual friend of yours.
Girls.
Hey Rita.
Hey Stevie.
I just wanted to say how super
proud I am of both of you
Rita, I know you and I
had something special.
I always admired your poise.
Truth be told I
was in a bad place,
when Stevie came onto me.
Came onto you?
What the fuck are you?
Are you motherfucking
kidding me?
CARLOS: Sorry,
I have hurt you.
Stevie, I'm sorry, too.
Rita warned me about
your promiscuity.
And I took advantage of that.
I hope you guys win this show.
I'm really rooting for you.
Dix Royale, baby.
[LAUGHS]
Can you
believe this bullshit?
Rita.
Rita, you don't actually
believe any of this crap.
You.
Rita, nothing happened.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Did you not see the
same video I just did?
It was like a bad audition
tape for a soap opera.
It was clearly crap.
You knew how I felt about him.
I told you everything.
Every fucking thing.
You of all people should
know how hard it is to -
Yeah, of course, I know.
You've seen the shit I went
through with my family.
You know how much
I've had to hide.
I could never be
myself in my own home.
And I finally find someone
who will accept me for...
I just thought that if
anyone would understand
how rare that was, to find that,
I thought that would be you,
but you turned around and
you stabbed me in the back.
I did not.
You couldn't handle the fact
that I got all the attention,
could you?
No, you never could.
Rita Royale and her
interchangeable sidekick Stevie.
Stop.
- You have no presence.
You have no personality.
- Stop it.
You're a joke.
There's nothing
authentic about you,
because you're a mix of
a thousand other drags
because you're too boring
to stand on your own-
- Rita
- And I trusted you.
And you went and did that.
Rita, nothing happened.
Bullshit.
Nothing happened.
Rita, he's lying to you.
He was lying to you then
and he's lying to you now.
Rita, I know how it feels to
lose your family over this.
Okay, I know.
This isn't even about Carlos.
Just deflect,
like you always do.
Rita, are you an idiot?
This is what they want.
Would you look around you?
Who?
Them, them.
These fucking assholes.
They want us to fight.
They want the drama, Rita.
Listen to me.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Nothing happened with Carlos.
We drunkenly kissed one time
for like two Mississippis.
That is all, I swear to you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I never should have listened
to anything he said.
Nothing is worth this.
We were the only family we had
before any of this bullshit.
Prove it.
What?
Prove it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I swear on Dolly's life.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Oh, Stevie.
Suddenly, I'm feeling
very regretful.
You mean you're feeling sorry?
No, I'm just feeling
deep feelings of regret.
Which might make
you feel sorry.
What is this weird
emotion rushing over me?
It is, it's awful.
It's called feeling sorry.
I'm so regretful.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm such an asshole.
No, I am.
HUGO:
Wow, ladies.
That was fantastic.
Thank you, really.
You.
You dumpster fire, using us
for your own selfish purposes.
I swear to God.
If you air this,
all of America will know about
how you propositioned me.
I what?
Oh, don't act so innocent.
Earlier in my dressing room,
when you told me if I
performed fellatio on you,
you'd make sure we won.
That is absurd.
Hey, hey, hey, don't you
come anywhere near her.
And don't you
follow us out either.
Yeah.
Stay back.
RITA: Jesus.
What the fuck?
Hey, you stop filming this.
Stevie.
I was such a shit bag.
No, no.
Well, yes, yes you were.
But we're past that now.
I can't believe he
did that to you.
Who?
Hugo.
Metoo-ing you.
Oh, I made that up,
but it worked didn't it.
Now let's blow this
popsicle stand.
What's Noah doing here?
It's Nolan.
Whatever.
I got something to say.
Listen, Nolan.
Don't interrupt.
Your music is life changing
and you can't break up.
Listen, kid.
I'm not done.
Nevermind, I'm done.
Well, we're not
done making music.
Really?
Yes. We realize we can't let
the fear and bullshit
get in the way of our-
Because of me.
Not exact-
Yes.
We realized you were right.
Thank you, Nolan.
Now, come on.
We're going to get carbohydrates
and probably tequila shots.
You coming or what?
Me?
Yes, you.
You're our number
one fan, after all.
Am I in the band now?
RITA: Wait, what?
STEVIE: Yeah, he was
trying to replace you.
RITA: Is that so?
NOLAN: My bad.
RITA: I get it, kid,
but if it happens again,
I'll come for you.
NOLAN: Yes ma'am.
You sure you don't
want me to go with you.
Now, how do you think
that will make me look,
bringing my mother
as my bodyguard?
Very intimidating,
if you ask me.
And you say the entire words,
not just halves of them.
Hi, is this the-
And don't be sassy.
I'm not sassy.
Don't sass, Klein.
I'm serious.
- Okay.
- You be nice.
I'll be so profesh.
I didn't see an address.
ELOISE:
Listen, you don't have to
answer anything you don't want
to unless, you have an
actual attorney.
Attorney, I know.
I know.
Here?
Do I knock?
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
Is there password?
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
Hello?
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I must be in the wrong place.
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
No, no.
You're in the right place.
Oh.
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
Oh, another one.
Oh shit.
HARLOWE: Does that look good?
'Cause we're trying to encourage
people to go plant based.
So I just wanna be more...
I'm sorry.
I thought I was meeting
with like boring lawyers.
Gigi de Janeiro.
You look a lot different out
of drag, that's for sure.
Ooh.
You're like salivating
in the mouth there.
Ooh. Okay.
Leave, leave, leave.
Have a seat.
Sit, Ow.
Someone's fired.
Have a seat. Sit down.
Yep, good. Wow.
That was quite the stunt that
you pulled the other day.
Ahh yeah, umm.
Sorry.
My friend Olive kind of did
it without my knowledge.
And by the time it
had already come out,
my mom's asking me
if I want pancakes.
I don't believe, I
asked you a question.
Kombucha?
Um, no, thank you.
So plot twist.
I was actually at
your little stunt,
I got a really good glimpse
of what life might be like.
If I ever decided to
become a blow up doll.
You were there?
Yes ma'am.
Drink it.
It smells like feet, but it's
great for your digestion.
So here's the thing.
I got a bunch of DMs.
I got people emailing me.
I got calls from lawyers.
I heard from my sister,
who actually haven't heard
from in 12 blissful years.
She sent me a strongly
worded email.
So I thought, what the heck,
I'll pop on down to see the
show. See what kind of raging
lunatic has announced me in a
show
that I have no knowledge of.
Queue you.
I apologize for that.
I really do.
The thing is, I have been
working my ass off
in this industry for a really
long time. And I, hmmm...
I've actually sacrificed a lot.
I've had a lot of friendships,
just, poof.
I have sold protein powder.
and those teeth whitening
strips that do not work.
Oh, I know I bought them.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I have had to babysit or nanny
for some snotty nose kids
while their parents go and
travel to the Galapagos
to pretend that they
care about sea turtles.
And you wanna know what Gigi,
they don't care
about sea turtles.
They still drink from straws.
And I did all of this
and so much more,
all to become the Harlowe
that you see in
front of you today.
And then what did you
do, you little minx?
You went and stole my
picture ya goose.
You slapped it up on a poster.
Then you dressed up a blow up
doll, to look exactly like me.
All, so people would come
to your silly sad show.
So, I've got an idea,
a couple of options.
Here they are.
So option number one,
obviously, I could sue you
for character defamation.
That means we've gotta
get lawyers involved
and I'm assuming you're
already pretty broke.
So this would make
you even more broke.
Oh, I know, I see that.
That landed, didn't it?
Or, option number two.
I capitalize on this
as much as you did.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand.
I know I'm
speaking in riddles.
So here's the thing,
I am about to go on the
second leg of my world tour.
Now my opening act, we
had creative differences.
She was awful.
So we need to replace her with
a girl or perhaps a queen.
Wait, you want me
to open for your tour?
Oh, Gigi stop.
[BOTH LAUGH]
As a human being with morals
and standards, absolutely not.
But as a business, bi-otch,
I've seen the value
you bring to a show.
And this could be a
good thing for both of us.
Anyway, this opportunity
is about to run out.
So, I'm gonna need
to answer now.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[ OPERA MUSIC ]
STEVIE: Holy!
Yes.
Well, I wouldn't go that far,
but...
You couldn't believe...
it was all like, oh God-
- Girl!
- But the show aired...
But it was amazing.
- The performance was so good!
- It was! I mean we deserved it.
And what about you, Lewis?
Girl, you have
gotta stop doing that.
We never heard the
end of your story.
Wha...
Next up we have a
very, very lovely lady.
And like she always says,
who wants to try new wine
when you can have the fine wine?
Marmalade.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Come get it.
Give it up for Simon, yes.
Quit it, some more.
No, really.
Quit it some more, keep going.
How y'all doing tonight?
I've got a special treat for
you because I'm an actress.
So I'm going to give you a
dramatic interpretive reading
of some notes that I
received from my girlfriend
in high school.
What's so funny?
Oh no, I said girlfriend, honey,
you know, I've taken a dip in
the lady pond a time or two.
Then I got a yeast infection.
Oh, it doesn't
matter to me, honey.
I don't care if they're male,
female or hermaphrodite.
I'll eat anything with
a sneeze guard over it.
[PHONE NOTIFICATION RINGS]
Here we go.
Alright, here we go.
It says, dear Lewis,
that's my name.
Don't wear it out.
See on this pink stationary.
Wasn't she cute?
I often think about what
went wrong between us.
Well, for starters, honey, I
wasn't checking out your ass,
I was checking to see if
your jeans might fit me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[PHONE NOTIFICATION RINGS]
And let's see.
Oh dear Lewis.
When you met my parents,
I thought in that moment we
would be together forever.
Well, I thought I'd be
banging your dad by now.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]
[PHONE NOTIFICATION RINGS]
Hey.
Umm, lady. Hi.
How are you?
You getting a funny
text message or something.
Someone post a funny gif or a
meme or something like that.
Is that what's
going on back there.
Hello?
Hi.
I'm talking to you.
Are you deaf?
I asked you a question.
What's so fucking funny?
Me?
Yeah, you.
I was just texting
my girlfriend.
Oh, you're talking
to your girlfriend.
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
That is so rude of
me to interrupt you.
Please continue
by all means.
Keep texting your girlfriend.
What the hell is happening?
I'm just up here
pouring my heart out.
And you're sitting
across this dark bar
in your fucking red
pants suit privilege.
Just fucking taking a shit
all over me, you know.
Yeah. You're just taking a big
old shit all over my fucking
face.
[SILENCE]
Do you know how long I've
waited for your stupid ass
to fucking come along?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Do you even care?
I've been doing
drag since I was 19.
Okay. I've been fighting
for this passion,
since I was a fucking kid.
Do you even know how old I am?
No, you don't know.
I started gender bending
while you were still fucking
the high school football
team behind the bleachers
and probably the coaches too.
This sucks so much,
because I put so much
heart into what I do.
I do.
I put so much heart
into what I do
because this is
life or death for me
and most of these girls.
We started dressing in
our mom's night gowns
when we were five years old,
because it's the only way we
knew how to express ourselves
or perform in front of a mirror.
We get so much
fucking joy from it
and we're beat and fucking
judged our whole fucking lives,
every single fucking day
because of our gender
management issues.
And then you want to come
in here and fucking judgey judge
and texty text on your
stupid fucking phone.
Like you're some
stupid fucking VIP.
How fucking dare you?
You are not the VIP.
Okay.
We are the VIP.
I hope your hair falls out.
I hope you have to wear wigs.
I hope you feel
what it feels like to fail
and still be able to wake
up every day and keep going.
Because you love
yourself that much.
I hope that for all of you,
you can judge every
wrinkle on my skin
and every fucking caked
up pour on my face
and I don't fucking care.
I don't need this shit.
I don't need you.
Fuck you, you fucking-
[SILENCE]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[SOBS]
[BAR IS QUIET]
[CLAPPING]
Yeah.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
What the fuck was that?
[AUDIENCE YELLING AND CHEERING]
- Yeah!
Yeah! Woo!
I told you she's hysterical.
They love her, come on.
[AUDIENCE YELLING AND CHEERING]
Maybe the old dog does
have a few new tricks.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
IN BACKGROUND]
[UPLIFTING MUSIC]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
IN BACKGROUND]
RITA: Wait a
pretty little second.
If you've got it
all figured out,
what the hell are
you doing here?
Well, I mean,
do any of us really
have it all figured out?
You know, I'm just trying
to take life less seriously.
I mean, it's only
life after all.
And besides Latoya
was proud of me
and she wanted me to
share my wisdom with you.
So I did.
You're welcome.
Latoya.
And please stop
shitting in my wigs.
My parakeet.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I admire all of you for
baring your souls here.
It does not go unnoticed.
If there's any lesson to
be learned here is that,
Marmalade never really
needed us at all.
And neither did you.
And neither did you, Gigi.
You figured it the
hell out on your own.
You always did.
And you always will.
I'd be lying if I said,
it's all downhill from
here and you know that.
You're gonna have to
fight all your lives.
And just when you
think you've done it,
you'll have to fight even
harder for the next thing.
But don't ever stop.
'Cause people need you.
We need you.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC]
Oh, sorry, we're so late.
They were cutting trees up
in Topanga.
Oh, we couldn't get through.
- Story of our lives.
Oh, sorry, we
missed you last time.
But look at them.
You look like you're just
getting along fine without us.
GAIL: They're so sweet.
Anyway, let's get
started right away.
Oh w- wo-woah woah woah, what
about her?
- Who?
- Who?
[SOFT MUSIC]
Oh, what the f-?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[CASUAL ANIMAL BY HIRSCH]
Movin' no sleepin'
Work through the weekend'
I've got drinkin'
One hand,
What I'm savin'
You wanna chat
I assumed you were taken
I don't even feel the
same way
I forgot I can't recall
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
Life is so short, we
Live it up and then
get around to evolving
and after, three forty
Show up at my door so I know
it's important
I don't even feel the
same way
I forgot I can't recall
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Talk is nice
Tangible, sexual, stimulant
What you like?
I don't know
I'm alright with movin' slow
Know what you like
Don't hold me up
Casual animal
Playin' it right
Yes you are
As you walk back to
your love
I don't even feel the
same way
I forgot I can't recall
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
I don't even feel the
same way
- I forgot I can't recall
- Casual Animal
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
As you walk back to
your love
Talk is nice
Tangible, sexual, stimulant
What you like
I don't know
I'm alright with movin' slow
Know what you like
Don't hold me up
Casual animal
Playin' it right
Yes you are
As you walk back to
your love
I don't even feel the
same way
I forgot I can't recall
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
I don't even feel the
same way
- I forgot I can't recall
- Casual Animal
Looks like you were on the
same page
I think we should get
involved.
As you walk back to
your love
Talk is nice
Tangible, sexual, stimulant
What you like
I don't know
I'm alright with
movin' slow
Know what you like
Don't hold me up
Casual Animal
[MUSIC FADES]