Golden Chicken (2002) Movie Script
1
O Christmas tree
Put one up in your house
Mom says it's expensive
O Christmas tree
Put one up in your house
Use it to decorate the living room
The plastic Christmas tree
Oh, so smelly
My father likes it huge and bulky
O Christmas tree
Put one up in your house
Use it to decorate the living room
Looks so pretty
O Christmas tree
Put one up in your house
Use it to decorate the living room
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14TH
PROCESSING
PLEASE WAIT
ACCOUNT BALANCE: $98.20
I'm nearly done, okay?
-It's a stickup!
-Okay
A stickup!
You want me? Or money?
Money, of course!
Leave my face alone,
it's how I make my living!
-Give me your money!
-Okay
What's the PIN? Give me $50,000!
All I've got is $98.20, look!
Fifty grand in this lousy economy?
Are you nuts?
-Did you just make a withdrawal?
-Nope.
Only that much?
What kind of loser are you?
Look, you got $2 in your account?
Transfer $2 to my account,
that'll make it $100,
that's the minimum withdrawal.
The PIN is 691234.
Do it yourself.
Oops, you're on camera.
It got you on tape. Do it yourself.
You want money, right? Grab a hundred!
Take your time.
What happened? What did you do?
Why did you lock the door?
The power's out.
-Why is this happening?
-How on Earth would I know?
Must be the storm.
What now?
I'm calling emergency services.
Why are you calling emergency services?
Hey, back off! Keep your hands off of me.
I'm calling the fire department.
-What for?
-To get them to open the door!
But that will bring the cops too!
So what?
Your face is already on video anyway.
Give me that knife.
You're bluffing.
There's no power to run the camera!
The power was on when we came in, stupid.
Since you didn't get to rob me,
why don't you give me the knife now?
Give it back! Give it back now!
Just relax.
I'm not calling anyone, okay?
Stay calm and
we'll pretend nothing happened.
You didn't rob me. I wasn't robbed.
We'll wait this out,
and then we'll leave, okay?
Come here.
-What's this?
-That's my stuff!
Have a drink, come on.
Come on, have a drink with me.
This is going to be a long night,
let's be friends and chat for a bit.
I can tell you stories.
I'm not in the mood.
They're funny stories, though.
Nothing's funny.
I haven't laughed in three years!
You'll laugh,
wait till you hear what I do.
What do you do?
I'm a hooker!
A whore who's seen better days.
I need a hooker!
Sorry, granny, wrong apartment again.
It's flat D, not B, handsome.
Turn around.
Go straight.
Keep going.
Go past the camera, on your right. Go on!
Go on.
That's it!
I need a hooker.
Surely you're not here for a haircut?
My God, dish detergent?
No, it's shower gel.
The original bottle got broken.
Could you call me names
while we're doing it?
Sure! An extra $20 for "Honey"
and $30 for "Hubby."
Any other words?
Flat rate, $20 each.
Can I kiss you on the lips?
That'll cost you an extra $100.
I haven't kissed for a long time,
not since my girlfriend dumped me.
-Really?
-God knows, I miss her.
Could you do it the way she did?
Sure, just tell me how.
You happy?
My boyfriend, are you happy?
Mom says she misses you.
Can you visit her some time?
After this we can go visit the old lady.
You have to go with me
and visit my mom, okay?
Okay!
Okay.
Listen, say this
Gee, but I'm shy. You have to go with me!
You're always shy.
A bite for my Snow Baby.
Snow Baby!
My Snow Baby. Now say my name.
What should I call you?
Snow Baby, she liked to call me
Steely Willy.
Steely Willy?
Snow Baby.
Scratch my back, Snow Baby!
-What?
-Scratch my back!
Harder! Now bite my shoulder!
Yes! Shoulder!
Bite me!
And squeeze the zits on my back!
-Do it!
-Squeeze?
Snow Baby!
What now?
Your face is different.
She looked a lot sweeter.
Sweeter!
Keep moaning for me!
Moan!
Steely Willy!
My Steely Willy
I love you, Snow Baby!
That one's my all-time favorite.
Why aren't you laughing?
It was supposed to be a sure thing.
Nothing funny about it.
Your life is pathetic.
You ever hear the song "Tragedy of Blood"?
Bloody tragic, it's bloody tragic
The bleeding is bloody tragic
It's really so tragic
I've met so many interesting people.
And I sure had a lot of fun.
Oh, I really gotta tell you this story.
While working at a massage parlor,
guess who I saw?
Who?
I saw
Hello!
Hello.
Gently, not too hard.
Sure.
Mister, have I served you before?
I could use a nap.
Right.
Just take it easy.
Sure. Want an oil rub?
Andy!
What are you doing there?
Sorry
Andy!
Andy, I'm your biggest fan!
I know all your songs and movies by heart!
Since when did you cut your hair?
I could really use a nap.
-Rub my head only.
-Done.
Here, have a pillow.
Andy.
You're slimmer in person.
Look how hairy you are
Wow!
This drink is endorsed by Andy!
Get a life, sing along the way
Enough. Stop!
You've got a vivid imagination, don't you?
Every word I've said is true.
I've been a hooker since I was 15.
A hooker at 15?
Always better to start early.
It all began in the late '70s.
I took the first subway ride to work
in a "fishball joint."
Princess Alexandra arrived
at Central Station today
to host the opening ceremony
of the Mass Transit Railway.
The first train arrives at the platform
and breaks through the ribbons.
And the MTR begins to serve
the people of Hong Kong
"Fishballs" is a term
for under-developed teenage boobies.
Horny bastards in those days
had a lot fun in fishball joints.
There was a saying,
"Follow your dick,
fishballing does the trick."
Oh, my God, Chow Yun-Fat is kissing her!
-What's the big deal?
-I watch this show every day!
You still got me, I kiss better than Chow.
Out of my way! I'm watching!
-You're naughty, very naughty.
-You're Kum?
That's right.
You've got nice boobies for your age.
It's my butt you're grabbing.
How old are you?
Fifteen. Happy?
-Yes.
-Go on, then!
Oh, you're so naughty, but I love you so.
Working in the dark is bad for you.
Now your eyes
are overly sensitive to light.
First you get dizzy,
then you could become blind.
What exactly do you do?
I work in my father's darkroom.
Granny, no more fishballing from now on.
I'm quitting.
Where are you going?
Hostess club, here I come!
They say a fish can't grow big
in a small pond.
So once I turned 18,
I moved to a bigger pond.
Numbers 8, 10, and 12 look good.
I'll hire them.
Step up, number 19.
We sure beat
the Miss Hong Kong Pageant tonight.
They can make more money here, though.
They might as well get real.
I'm number 19, Shirley Au.
All the guys like to get in bed
and do kung fu fighting with me.
Someone wanna try?
Done! You're hired.
Next!
Say something!
My guys say I'm a kung fu expert too.
No kidding!
Kum is amazing!
Isn't she amazing? She knows her stuff.
Kum! Show us more!
Gentlemen, may I present to you,
our Action Queen.
Miss Kum!
I saw this cute little LV bag yesterday.
Might as well buy a big one.
I can buy an LV trunk with this.
Big enough for us to fool around inside.
Boss, I saw this
plastic storage bag today.
Here, go buy it.
Thank you, boss.
Go do your kung fu.
Gotcha!
-Fabulous!
-Look out!
You have to come
and see me more often, okay?
Sure!
That chick's finally got her boobs done!
My God, cross-eyed boobies?
They're diverged, facing outward.
Cross-eyed are inward!
Thank you for coming! Have a nice evening!
Smile and behave, girls.
Good evening, Mr. Yui.
Hello, Mr. Chan!
Morning, boss!
Hey, Dragon!
You aren't getting away from here
till you beat me.
Sure thing.
Go! Go!
Never let the dragon jump on your wagon!
Do a number for us, Kum!
Thank you, boss!
I love you, Kum!
KIMMY - MAKES 80 GRAND MONTHLY
MISTRESS OF THREE TYCOONS
GAGA - MAKES 65 GRAND MONTHLY
PREVIOUS ISSUE PLAYBOY COVER GIRL
KUM - NOT TOO PRETTY OR SEXY
STILL MAKES 40 GRAND A MONTH
Good!
Hairy Kit
Take good care of him!
Hey, Mr. Gan?
FRANKIE - THE MOST AMBITIOUS
REAL ESTATE ASS-KISSER
HAIRY KIT - FORMER YOUNGESSTOCK MARKET ANALYSMR. GAN - THE MOST CORRUPCIVIL ENGINEER
You are so drunk.
Gentlemen!
You two asked for sisters,
and I've finally got you twins!
Philip, you like it tall and skinny,
here's Mary!
Inspector Ho wants something barely legal?
Here comes our first timer, Mum-mum.
Girls, take a seat
and make everyone happy.
Go on, sit down.
What about me?
Mandel, I didn't forget about you.
I've saved the gem of the night for you.
Kimmy!
Mandel, I saw a three-carat diamond
in the store the other day.
Buy it.
And I discovered this
three-carat gallstone in my body.
Go get an operation!
Gentlemen, may I present you
the comedian of the evening, Kum!
Kum! Start your number!
Listen, Peter's filthy rich.
Drain him slow and dry, okay?
Why waste time? I'll eat him alive.
What about my guy?
Moan loud, he likes a screamer.
Really?
Yes, try it.
Fatso, fatso.
Oh, my, fatso!
And just like that, I moaned my way up.
I got my first big house,
my first king-size bed.
Kum works hard, Kum eats a tart.
You happy? I'm happy! And you?
I'm so, so happy!
FLOWER LOVE MOTEL
Auntie, you're still using
that old teapot?
I'm a little teapot, short and stout
You're becoming quite a pretty hooker.
I'm not a hooker.
I'm a club hostess.
Not a hooker?
You sleep with men and they pay you.
Face it, you're a hooker.
With a face like yours,
you need to triple your effort.
I'm a little teapot, short and stout
You haven't worked that long, but
your voice has already become so rough.
I can't help it,
I scream and moan every night.
I always give it everything I've got.
But you aren't moaning properly.
-Do it from here.
-From down here?
Try it.
It's more convincing that way
and it doesn't hurt your vocal cords.
Change the rhythm each time.
Alternate between fast and slow,
heavy and light, high and low.
At times, you should
Watch me
Oh, my God! Oh, baby!
What's going on?
Gee, you've got a hard-on!
Don't touch it! It'll spit on you.
What a loser.
I moan a little and you get all hard.
You didn't have to moan so realistically,
it's just a story.
By the way, in your line of work,
don't you get diseases?
Diseases, the doctors can handle those.
It's something else that scares me.
What's that?
I'm pregnant.
-Are you kidding?
-What's your problem?
I shouldn't have walked on your back
if you're pregnant.
I was hoping you'd save me
the cost of an abortion.
Forget about it!
-Who's the father?
-How would I know?
What now?
Do you know a good doctor?
Let's see. I know a very good doctor.
-I'll take you there tomorrow.
-Well
Well?
Sure.
It's your baby, you sure wanna do it?
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
What? You haven't gotten dressed?
Not yet.
-Bloody hell.
-What's wrong?
Jackie Chan injured himself.
He might have to quit!
You're crazy!
And you'd better take care of this quick
or you'll be out of work soon.
It's really looking cloudy out there.
And now there's thunder.
Hey! It's pouring!
That's no good!
Don't you wanna
take off all your clothes and take a nap?
No way!
Leave the undies on.
Get up!
Allow me
-Ain't I good?
-Can we go?
Let's go! But we're going back to work!
What?
It's night already.
Let's go.
Do that to me one more time, baby.
The clinic is closing.
Are you coming or not?
And no more dawdling!
Itchy, itchy, itchy, itchy
Rub, rub, rub
Rub, itchy, rub
What if I go visit Auntie?
You drama queen!
Hey, Auntie.
She's great!
Not her! Yours is there.
-Gwen!
-Here!
She's nice too.
Auntie, I'm pregnant.
Never heard of condoms?
I couldn't get an abortion.
Are you seeing the right kind of doctor?
It's not the doctor!
It's scary, you know.
Every time I go out,
it rains cats and dogs.
The moment I turn back, the sun comes out.
It never fails.
Maybe someone up there
doesn't want me to do it.
That's probably true.
A gift from the goddess Guanyin.
Come over and thank the goddess.
That ain't no goddess, that's a guy.
She'll get it.
The gods have their network up there.
Sorry, dude, just pass along the message.
What do I do now?
Am I keeping it?
You expect the goddess to raise him too?
What then?
You're the mother!
I can't go around
with a screaming monster.
Use you brain, bimbo.
When the mother is busy,
the father takes over.
Get the baby a father.
You mean, another baby?
With whom?
Work on it.
You're the mother!
You're still here?
Come serve the last customer.
Mr. Wu, this is Kum.
Hello. Please, sit down.
You two, keep it going.
-Thanks.
-My pleasure.
I'm Richard.
Have a drink.
You're here so late.
I wanted to leave.
But they said it's pouring outside,
so I stayed.
Have a drink.
Thanks.
Cheers!
Are you okay?
I saw you standing there all spaced-out.
Something bothering you?
I don't know why,
but this song melts my heart
every time I hear it.
It's an English song.
You understand the words?
Of course!
It says when the child is born,
the world becomes meaningful
and beautiful.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
I'm not really good with words.
I'm really sorry.
Sorry, my English isn't very good,
so I'm going to sing a Chinese version.
I hope it'll be
as meaningful and beautiful.
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A shiny star lights up way up high
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born
A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt
Crumbled, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born
Did you like it?
-It's great.
-Thank you.
You're so cheesy.
I run a factory in New York's Chinatown,
can't help but be a bit cheesy.
I see.
But I came up with
the Chinese lyrics all by myself.
I see.
I'm not the most eloquent guy,
but I hope this song will cheer you up.
Yes, you've cheered me up.
Really? Sing with me, then.
No way.
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A shiny star lights up way up high
Enough
Let me.
Why are you so sweet? Why sing for me?
It's nothing.
We both like the song.
And it looks we were meant to cross paths.
Do you have a child?
Nope.
Wish I did.
Children are a hassle.
At least I wouldn't be
wasting my time in clubs.
If I had a child,
I'd help him do his homework,
I'd tell him bedtime stories.
On holidays, I'd take him places.
And we could watch the stars at night.
That'd be great.
You know about stars?
I'm only an amateur.
That one is Rigel at the foot of Orion,
over 770 light-years away from Earth.
It's the brightest star
in the constellation
and it's visible from almost anywhere.
-Let me ask you something.
-Okay.
You know that one?
The furthest away from us?
That one?
That one.
That's a "movie star."
You're right.
Let's call it the Movie Star.
Sure.
If you want a kid that much,
I can give you one.
Sounds good.
I'm serious.
I'm damn serious.
Don't tease me.
I'm not teasing.
What, right here?
Why not?
People will see us.
You see anyone around?
Hey, hold on.
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A shiny star lights up way up high
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born
I'm pregnant.
You said I could bear you a child
and you'd take care of him.
What about you?
I'm too busy with work.
The goddess has sent us a child.
No need to complicate matters.
If you say so, when the baby's born,
I'll take him back to the States.
Great!
America is the best!
Great!
I will give this child
the best of everything
and make sure he becomes
someone we can be proud of.
Done.
Can you promise me one more thing?
Yes?
You won't let the kid see me.
Professional habit.
Take it easy.
Doctor, have you known Richard long?
Yes.
Is he married?
His wife died a long time ago.
And you?
Married, yeah.
Any kids?
Me? Yes.
No, I mean Richard.
He sure has one now.
Doctor,
can you promise me one thing?
When the baby's born,
don't let me see him.
I might not be able to let him go.
Mummy loves you.
Hey, kiddo, excuse me.
Why are you two playing
such a boring game?
Let me teach you something exciting.
Whiskey! Vodka!
Drink it up or go to hell!
Whiskey! Vodka!
Drink it up or go to hell!
Whiskey! Vodka
Oh, boy, don't you look handsome?
You'll grow up looking like Andy Lau.
Are you hungry?
Oh, you sweet pumpkin
Excuse me, can I have my son back?
Time to eat.
He must be hungry by now.
Can I play with him a bit longer?
It's been more than an hour now.
Why don't you play with your own?
Thanks, thank you so much.
God knows I miss you so.
This is the worst decision
I've ever made in my life.
There's no going back.
I'm so upset,
I could only knock my head against a wall.
We're on our way to the airport.
You sure you don't want to see the baby?
The airport, please.
Airport, right?
This is so weird, ma'am.
A hailstorm in Hong Kong!
Are you okay? You all right?
What do you want to do?
Turn around.
What?
Turn around.
The goddess sent you a son
and you sent him away.
That's the way it's supposed to be.
Come on, have some tangerine water.
Everything will be fine.
This tastes good.
-Wow, Kum-Kum!
-Welcome back!
Look! Your breasts got bigger!
You're looking good!
In the good old days, we tipped big-time.
In the washroom, we tipped
$20 a pee, $100 a dump.
You happy?
Happy.
I once tipped $200 for a bout of diarrhea.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS MEET FOR BAILOUT PLAN
But the stock market crashed in 1987
GOVERNMENT FREEZES TAKEOVER RULES
This is bad.
Don't be sad.
Anyone seen Amy?
She emigrated to Canada.
Where's Candy? She'll do.
She just married an old guy,
and they're emigrating to Australia.
And you? Where are you emigrating to?
There were three phenomenal inventions
in the '90s.
The first one was the cell phone,
the second one was karaoke,
and the third one was the women
pouring in from mainland China.
We called them "Northern Chicks."
Could anyone be willing to be
Caressed by strangers?
Could anyone be willing to have
Her lips tasted by thousands?
I'm willing! I truly am!
-Hi, pretty.
-Did you like my singing, boss?
Love it.
I can sing
and do a lot more at the same time.
How long have you been in Hong Kong?
Fresh off the boat.
Please be gentle with me, boss.
A gentleman is always gentle.
I used to be in the beer industry
back home,
showing people how to "blew" the beer.
What?
You must have blown a lot.
Are you a naughty man teasing me now?
Rich guys like you,
you never know what life is like
at the "blew-ery."
Who is this girl?
I also want to blow the grapes,
blow the watermelon,
and blow the cognac bottle.
We're all just trying to make a living.
Bad Cantonese, big boobs, bad make-up,
and willing to do
just about anything for money.
Those were the Northern Chicks.
Happy birthday!
May all your nights be filled
with horny bastards.
-Seafood?
-Hot pot, maybe.
Hurry up, let's go eat.
Quick, we're waiting.
Coming.
Hey, Kum, get changed.
What are you doing stuck in a locker?
Why are you crying?
Who bullied you?
Stop crying and tell me who it is.
Tell me,
and I'll go punch him
in the balls right now.
It's you, the Northern Chicks,
who bullied us.
Survival of the fittest, what can I say?
We'll never be as tough
as our sisters from the North.
I was 29, aging by the day.
Could I transition to being a madam?
Maybe.
But that's not my cup of tea.
So I went to work at a massage parlor.
No drinking, no frills,
just straight to business.
Only using my hand.
It was easy money.
People assume a masseuse
makes less money. Wrong!
A hostess makes $1,500 per outcall.
Two outcalls a night,
a maximum of 25 days per month.
That's a total of $75,000.
A masseuse makes
a humble $350 per hand job,
but ten hand-jobs a day,
and 31 days per month.
That's a total of $108,500.
Hey, you, get your ass to work.
Mr. K., your usual yogurt drink?
Hey, Johnny, bro,
yogurt drink for you too?
Black coffee coming right up, Mr. Chan.
Two large beers and one black coffee.
Hey, Dragon, dude, I've been throbbing
in this freaking departure lounge
for an hour.
Flights are delayed, man.
Let me upgrade you to a First Class
private room, okay?
-Come in here.
-What is it?
Keith, your one-eyed friend
is in for a surprise today.
You sure? Hope it's not a nasty surprise.
Hey, man,
we have a reputation to maintain.
Your one-eyed friend is
going to be one happy snake.
Special meal request,
I want it freezingly hot.
Ice and Fire? No problem.
Hey, you.
You want more pressure?
I'm not talking about your physics.
I'm talking about your mathematics.
In a 90-minute session,
you spend more than
two-thirds of the time on my back.
In other words,
only one-third of the session
is left for my other body parts.
Do you think that's enough?
Add another session then, boss.
I'm no boss.
I'm Prof. Chan.
I teach mathematics.
How many sessions
I order is my personal choice,
but if I need to purchase more sessions
as a consequence of your mismanagement,
you have to compensate me
for my economic loss.
I see, I'm sorry.
Take a pillow.
What are you up to?
Getting to work.
By taking off my shorts?
You have a theory there?
Now, take it easy, don't play dumb.
I'm giving you a hand job.
Jerking you off, spanking the monkey.
Spanking the monkey, jerking off,
pulling the pud,
they're basically the same term
for self-abuse, masturbation.
Basically, a do-it-yourself project
for the sex drive.
But why would I hire someone else
to do something that I can do myself?
That violates the logic of economics
to the point of being ridiculous.
Your back is all knotted up.
Otherwise I wouldn't need you here.
Thought you had something to tell me.
Such as?
Well, you just came back from America,
there's nothing to tell?
America? What's there to tell?
America never changes.
I'm asking because
it's been raining a lot lately.
Done!
Want me to do your friend down there too?
I've known you for years,
but I've never met your friend down there.
This toy piano is cute.
A present for him.
"Him"?
Him.
He's going to be ten next month.
Please pass it along to him for me.
No hurry, though.
Just give it to him
the next time you visit.
Next year's fine.
It's really cute, it's got a song.
You have to finish the antibiotics, okay?
Okay.
The nurse will give you your prescription.
Thanks.
I'll leave the box.
Please put it back in for me.
No need to hurry.
Just take it with you
when you go next time.
Think he'd be a charmer if he plays piano?
Probably.
Bye. Call me if you need my hands.
You got a cold?
Room 47, can you do it?
Can do.
Howdy.
Mister?
Which bed do you prefer?
Oops, sorry, sorry.
I'm okay.
Sorry.
Are you okay? Over here, please.
I'm really sorry.
Please lie down.
Oil rub.
Should I not press too hard?
Give it all you've got.
Did I do it wrong?
I'm sorry.
You want another masseuse?
Hold still.
Relax.
Lie down.
Close your eyes.
Double Seven.
Double Seven.
Double Seven.
Ginseng tea for you.
What's up?
What happened?
Yeah, why were you sleeping here?
Where's my customer?
He ordered ginseng tea for you and left.
Space cadet, Room 47 for you.
Or shall I send him over? It's Room 47!
-47?
-47!
I need a doctor!
It's you.
You know kung fu?
Nah.
Come and lie down.
I owe you one.
The last time,
you were gone when I woke up.
It was rude.
Let me make it up to you this time.
Tired again?
Napping?
So, cool, you never talk.
Not breathing? He's dead?
God bless him, dying so young.
Still alive, what a relief.
What should I call you?
Yeh.
And me?
You haven't told me.
And you didn't ask.
So I won't tell you.
How is it? Feeling good?
You need to tell me what to do.
Am I pushing the right button?
Why are you following me?
I was just passing by.
I ran into you.
No, I didn't
Hey!
I still don't know your name.
I told you, Yeh.
Your first name! Don't you have one?
Do you know my name?
Double Seven.
Kum.
Come on, play fair.
You know my name,
but I don't know yours.
Yeh.
And your cell phone number?
They all start with 9.
9 what?
9
4-8.
9-4-8 and
Hey!
Kum, Room 47 for you.
Howdy.
Want to try something new today?
I like new experiences
because they stimulate the mind.
But tell me
how attractive and economically
viable this new experience can be
before I make a decision.
A "double-grip"?
Hold it there.
There are two hands for one masseuse,
four for two,
and I have only one "little brother."
So, one hand takes care of my sibling,
and the other three hands
become redundant.
That doesn't make sense.
There are two boobies for one girl,
four for two.
If you can have four boobies in two hands,
doesn't that make perfect economic sense?
Your argument is only an argument.
It needs data to support it.
Prof. Chan didn't go for a double-grip.
He figured if he could have
12 boobies in two hands,
that'd make perfect sense.
Want some body gel?
Sweat!
Oil!
Cabin crew, prepare for final descent,
and get ready for touchdown.
Happy?
The operation was successful,
but the patient died.
Yeh would come once in a while.
His visits made me happy.
Each time he left,
he'd leave me another number.
What's the number this time?
See you soon.
But after he gave me six digits,
he vanished.
Yeh?
Sun Fat Restaurant.
-Who, again?
-Yeh?
-Wrong number.
-Not this one.
Who's this?
This is Kum, Double Seven.
What's up?
It was a wild guess
and I got it right.
Something the matter?
I haven't seen you in a while.
I was wondering
if you had some time for me?
This humid weather can cause sore muscles.
Shall I come over to give you a massage?
No. I'll come tomorrow.
You haven't been here for ages.
Two and half months.
What's up?
Nothing.
Nothing?
You've got a new girl?
You don't need me now.
Come over here.
Hey
Is something bothering you?
Tell me
What's the matter?
Maybe I can help?
Lend me 150 grand.
I'll pay you back.
What was that? It hurts!
That pressure point shows me
you've got digestive problems.
Of course, I don't get to eat very often.
There's nothing to digest.
Now this one is going to hurt.
-Strange. No response?
-What's that pressure point?
Your reproductive system. Men at your age
are usually weak down there.
I'm fine in that department,
I've barely used it.
Really? That's why you get hard so easily.
Where's your wife?
-Gone.
-Pardon?
She dumped me.
Why did she do that?
I'm a loser. I got laid off
and I couldn't find another job.
And then my credit card bills
just snowballed.
Now I have loan sharks after me.
They even sent me lunch boxes.
That's so sweet of them.
The lunch boxes are filled with poop.
They're telling me to eat shit.
Well, everyone has a story.
By the way, you gave the money away,
just like that?
I didn't give it away, I lent it to him.
Did he pay you back?
He left me this card,
said he'd deposit the money on the 15th.
The 15th of what?
That was seven years ago.
And you still believe in him?
None of your bloody business.
Here I go again, so what?
Hey, there's no power.
What happened?
I'm scared.
This is serious, your hand
is one of your tools of the trade.
Make sure you hold still.
Three robbers armed with AK-47s stole
six million dollars' worth of jewelry
from five shops in Kwun Tong.
Five policemen and 12 passersby were shot
as both sides exchanged gunfire
I know him!
Damn!
I knew nothing about that.
I'm afraid you can't give
hand jobs anymore.
Bad news always comes in threes.
Auntie passed away that spring.
She really had a gift
for making all kinds of soup.
The most delicious selection of soup
available at any brothel.
She washed and dried my clothes while I
What am I going to do without her?
"Autumn wind whistles
XU ZHIMO POEMS COLLECTION
I don't dare to look at the garden
Leaves fall like wounded birds
Wounded by unseen arrows"
Are all these people our relatives?
They're your auntie's former customers.
She was enormously popular.
No man could resist her charms.
Those people used to fight over
your auntie when she was young.
Memories are all that's left
Auntie is gone, but she left us goodies.
What now?
Shall we make use of them?
Let's do that.
Like I said,
bad news always comes in threes.
Around that time, three Dengs left us.
One was Auntie Lydia Deng, whose death
broke many horny bastards' hearts.
The other was Teresa Deng.
The third one was
during the flag-raising ceremony
at Tiananmen Square.
The flag was raised to half-mast in memory
of the late Chairman Deng Xiaoping.
Many of Beijing's citizens gathered
in the Square
-What? Glasses!
-Dragon!
Kum is here to see you.
You look good, Dragon.
Recovering fast, huh?
Yes, Kum knows.
-What?
-Kum understands.
Dragon says the soup is excellent today.
And a game with Kum would be nice, no?
We'll play fair, right?
Great, let's do it now, come on.
"Jangambui, Ajimetehui!"
Gee! I can never beat you at this,
you've got killer eyes!
-You'll be fine soon!
-Time for your medicine.
Lucky guy, you get yummy soup everyday.
I understand this one.
He said, "Why don't you take
my place instead?"
"Bimbo!"
You bitch! How did this happen?
You make him soup every day now?
It's a hassle.
But I've known him for so long.
What else can I do?
Besides, the stroke happened
in my apartment.
Wow, your insatiable appetite
caused the stroke?
That isn't funny.
Since when have the two of you
I don't remember.
It's more like keeping him company.
Talking to the TV by yourself
can be boring, you know?
Prince Charles,
together with former governor Patten
arrived at the Tamar after
the handover ceremony.
The former governor looked downcast
while his two daughters wept openly.
The royal yacht Britannia
left at 50 minutes past midnight
with Prince Charles
and Patten on the deck,
waving farewell to the people on shore.
The local stock market index
fell below 10,000 points twice today.
With a record drop of 1,871 points
in the afternoon,
the Hang Seng Index closed
at 10,426 points,
dropping 1,211 points
from the previous day.
So it's the crash of 1997
that got you here.
1997 was bad, but not that bad.
It's the new millennium that got us all.
four, three, two, one Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
We're at the start of a new millennium!
Upon the report of PCCW's
corporate losses,
CEO Richard Li stated that
it is purely an issue with bookkeeping
You large shareholders have
made hundreds of millions,
whereas we small shareholders
have lost our life savings.
Tell me, what kind of logic is this?
In reply to public complaints of
PCCW overpaying its management,
CEO Richard Li said
These executives
Shut up if you don't know how
to speak properly!
I've lost everything
because of your lousy stock!
Give me my money back
or I'll call the cops!
Out of my way!
Now you're really making me angry!
Mister, seriously
The bed means a whole lot to me,
can't you see?
Sign here and you can go.
The bed really means a whole lot to me.
This bed means my first time,
it means my career, it means my life!
I'm happy with my bed.
You happy?
I'm really happy with my bed.
Can't you see?
Look at me! Can't you see?
This bed is happiness to me!
After the millennium, Hong Kong was
struck by three unprecedented disasters.
First, the real estate bubble burst,
second, an upsurge in bankruptcy
Bet you feel happy now.
I'll owe you one, please!
I can't do it.
Hey, missy.
What?
There's no way to get this through.
-Now what?
-You tell me.
The third is the infamous chicken flu.
An AFC spokesman confirmed today
that the massive chicken slaughter
is near its completion.
Officials stated that
they had disposed of all of the remains.
However, there have been reports of
chicken carcasses left exposed to flies
When are they gonna slaughter
this old chicken?
Glad I don't eat chicken,
or else I'd be a chicken flu chicken.
Please don't go. Being in debt
isn't the end of the world.
We can pull through this together.
-Please don't go!
-Relax.
It's just a nightmare.
Have a sip.
Don't worry.
I ran into a friend recently,
he gave me some words of wisdom.
He said that all the glory is crap.
And all the crap is flushed
down the drain.
-Is this the line for jobs?
-That's right.
So many people for one job?
What is the employment center doing?
Madam, wasn't that $30
for the 30th place in line?
Right, the 30th from the end.
You're spreading false information!
You're corrupting the market,
that's cheating.
At least give me a few dollars back!
Hey! Get in line! Don't cut in!
-Prof. Chan.
-Double Seven.
How are you?
Fine, you?
Me? Fine, of course. Fine.
Fine. That's good.
The line's too long. Forget it.
Let's go get tea.
In this social climate,
having tea violates
the principles of economics.
You know, even a cup of coffee costs
My treat!
Deal.
Let's go.
So, what about the cab fare?
Your treat too, right?
What's with the grin?
Nah, I'm just thinking
about your hands at work.
Working on what, Professor?
This, and that.
A "double," "quadruple" or "octuple-grip"?
With hands like yours,
a single-grip is all I care to remember.
Wanna try again?
I'm fine, really.
Better to just keep it in my memory,
it's more economical that way.
Who says I'm charging?
You can "takeoff"
with your frequent flyer miles.
Frequent flyer? Nothing comes for free.
Will it affect the quality?
You tell me.
When the economy is slow
We need to stimulate the market with
groundbreaking promotional deals.
Freebie time, Professor.
I'm coming!
You're leaving?
Yes.
Here.
I get a tip?
Three hundred dollars
is like spare change.
Are you kidding?
You have no idea how seriously people
take money these days.
Three hundred can go a long way.
Right, I just went a long way.
I kissed you and moaned your name twice,
acting as if I was your girlfriend.
But before I came,
I screamed "Double" twice.
A hundred back,
for acting like your boyfriend.
I still remember, back in my prime,
I'd pocket a few grand
even before I did anything.
What have I come to?
Talk about past glory.
In the past, I got full salary
for half the effort.
I was Prof. Chan.
Now I can't even teach grade school.
All that past crap
is flushed down the drain.
We're in the "No Pain, No Gain" era.
Ever heard this one? "Work is tough,
but better than doing nothing."
Get real, Double Seven.
What comes after that?
Get going, start working, stop jerking.
What can I do?
Do what you're best at.
What are you best at?
I'm best at, you know
I'm best at making men happy.
So be it.
Anyway, it's not economical for one person
to live in such a big apartment.
Make it a home office.
One room is where you sleep,
the other is where you work.
What should I do? Sell pork buns?
You sell your "buns"!
Open up a one-chicken brothel.
Become self-employed. Be your own boss.
Live life on your own terms.
Wish I could live like I won the lottery
Wouldn't have to do shit
And no boss to hassle me
Just wait for my check
And I got no worries
That's the way to do it
Absolutely zip, shit, zip!
Wish I could live like I won the lottery
Wouldn't have to do shit
And no boss to hassle me
Just wait for my check
And I got no worries
What's up? Ma'am.
Speak up!
I'm looking to advertise.
Then tell us, what services do you offer?
What kind of image are you selling?
Our columnist will "sample" you tomorrow.
We'll also write a little something
about your business.
Wanna open a chat room too?
Good to chat with the horny bastards.
Don't worry, they won't bite.
Hi, today we're introducing
another independent sex worker.
"Ginger Chicken in the Pot."
GRAND OPENING FEATURING NEW GIRL
Hey, you!
-Are you lighting firecrackers?
-So what?
It's illegal! Stupid!
Don't point your finger at me!
You can't stop me.
My favorite pork belly
Best pork belly
Great homemade soup
But no one comes to enjoy it
What the hell.
Come on in! Boss!
This is the doorway to heaven, come on in!
Come in!
$37.50.
Come in or I'm not paying.
You pay up or I'll beat you up.
Beat me up? Ooh! I like that!
Come on, quick!
$37.50!
The change! 50 cents!
God, oh, God
Please help me.
This is death by boredom.
Does this shirt come in other colors?
It's all here, check it out for yourself.
These days, service like hers
is just not good enough.
Right, that bitch can go to hell.
You need to be able to satisfy
your boss and your customers.
And our service needs to be genuine,
friendly, and professional in every way.
But I have no customers to serve.
Andy, you wouldn't understand.
You're a star, famous, successful,
and so rich.
Ever thought about it
the other way around?
If you were a customer,
would you want to be served by you?
Why not?
Because I'm worn and torn.
Wrong.
Excuse me.
Let me get out of here
and set you straight.
The thing is, you're not genuine.
This is the doorway to heaven,
come on in! Boss!
You're amazing!
Andy, you're such a great actor!
You're screwed!
There is no heart.
Nowadays, an attitude like that
is just not good enough,
and just won't do.
You need to build from the bottom.
Let's start at square one.
Moan for me.
Come on.
You need some aspirin?
Andy.
Get into it!
With feeling!
Be coy!
Be steamy!
Come on!
Come on, be volcanic!
More!
Boss, this is the doorway to heaven.
-Boss!
-Very good!
Great!
Since we're at it,
let's move to the advanced level.
We'll do Face-Changing.
No moaning?
No Andy and no moaning?
You won't get clients
like Andy very often.
Moan for everyone
as if you're moaning for me.
Or else you won't have
any man to moan to anymore.
Look at me!
Get into it! With feelings!
Moan your heart out for all races!
For Indians, moan with an Indian touch.
A curry touch.
Don't you dare give up.
Moan with your heart
and your act will become real.
Once real, you'll get the sensation.
The sensation will bring you to orgasm.
Your orgasm will uplift you.
And your customers will be uplifted too.
As word of mouth spreads,
all the horny bastards
in Hong Kong will come to you.
Then you will become the one and only
Golden Chicken.
Keep going.
Remember, work hard and you'll succeed.
Andy.
Life is a series of
Laughter and tears
We're destined to meet under the Lion Rock
Dear fellow citizens,
Hong Kong is now faced
with unprecedented hardship.
Nowadays, everyone goes
north of the border for sex.
If we want to keep the customers at home,
we need to imitate the Northern Chicks.
This is a serious challenge
for all of you.
Now follow me.
Boss!
Boss!
How about Ice and Fire?
How about Ice and Fire?
As for me, I also find this
to be a quite a challenge.
Thanks, Uncle Sam!
-Come again!
-I will!
It's not your turn yet, darling.
I've been waiting forever, Kum.
I'll be right with you, honey.
-I've waited over an hour!
-You're next, cutie pie.
This is my head.
These are my boobs. Size 36-D.
Come and play with me again sometime.
-Thank you.
-My pleasure.
May God bless you.
Let's go.
He's sweet.
Good boy, come play next time.
I'll treat you to some candies.
Bye!
Together, we can overcome hardship
And bring Hong Kong everlasting glory
Together, we can overcome hardship
And bring Hong Kong everlasting glory
Why didn't you come
for your regular checkup?
I thought I was fine.
You thought you were fine?
I'm not?
You're fine.
You scared me.
Tell me something about America.
Again?
What?
Richard He's gone.
At least he had a son.
Not by blood though.
What do you mean?
I was his family doctor, I know.
Bless his soul, Richard was a good man.
But he was sterile.
What's the matter?
I need to crap.
I'll show you to the washroom.
Just let me
Let me think.
Where's his son?
He's very independent and mature.
Don't worry, he's already 18.
What happened next?
I left the clinic
and had a bowl of noodles.
I was on my way home
when I stopped by this ATM.
And here we are.
That's it? Keep talking, would you?
Life is long and the night is short.
It's dawn!
Shit! Another day!
There must be a bunch of lunch boxes
waiting for me at home.
I'd rather get stuck in here forever.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14TH
Let's go.
The door won't open.
Pull it.
Where are you heading?
Somewhere I can jump off from.
Hey, you, hang on! Don't give up!
If I get through this,
where can I find you?
Across the street, apartment 7D.
What's your name?
My name is Bon, James Bon.
The meaning of my name is "Help."
Hang in there,
you're going to get through this.
Come back and give me some business.
"Help."
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15TH
It's twelve o'clock now?
Right, because of the power outage.
Today's actually the 15th?
PROCESSING
PLEASE WAIT
ACCOUNT BALANCE: $948,511.42
$948,511.42?
What is this?
It's his cell phone number!
I knew he'd pay me back!
Bon! James Bon!
Seasons change
Years have gone by and now I look back
I never got what I cherished
I got what I didn't want
How do I begin to tell you
About all that I have won and lost?
Alas, things go by in a flash
Cause and effect get blurred
That's life, forever letting go
Forever hanging on!
My life is just a series
Of moments slipping by
That's life!
It's so hard to see clearly though tears
What I've lost is
Ironically, all I've got
Seasons change
Years have gone by and now I look back
I never got what I cherished
I got what I didn't want
How do I begin to tell you
About all that I have won and lost?
Alas, things go by in a flash
Cause and effect are blurred
That's life!
Forever letting go
Forever hanging on!
My life is just a series
Of moments slipping by
That's life!
It's so hard to see clearly though tears
What I've lost is
Ironically, all I've got
Hey! Bon! Why are you sitting here?
What's up? Why are you here?
I've been chasing after you like crazy!
I made it! I made it!
What did you make?
I told you you were gonna
get through this.
How? What?
I've got nearly a million in the bank.
Told you he'd pay me back!
He did?
I can help you,
I can lend you all you need!
Nearly a million?
O Christmas tree
Put one up in your house
Mom says it's expensive
O Christmas tree
Put one up in your house
Use it to decorate the living room
The plastic Christmas tree
Oh, so smelly
My father likes it huge and bulky
O Christmas tree
Put one up in your house
Use it to decorate the living room
Looks so pretty
O Christmas tree
Put one up in your house
Use it to decorate the living room
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14TH
PROCESSING
PLEASE WAIT
ACCOUNT BALANCE: $98.20
I'm nearly done, okay?
-It's a stickup!
-Okay
A stickup!
You want me? Or money?
Money, of course!
Leave my face alone,
it's how I make my living!
-Give me your money!
-Okay
What's the PIN? Give me $50,000!
All I've got is $98.20, look!
Fifty grand in this lousy economy?
Are you nuts?
-Did you just make a withdrawal?
-Nope.
Only that much?
What kind of loser are you?
Look, you got $2 in your account?
Transfer $2 to my account,
that'll make it $100,
that's the minimum withdrawal.
The PIN is 691234.
Do it yourself.
Oops, you're on camera.
It got you on tape. Do it yourself.
You want money, right? Grab a hundred!
Take your time.
What happened? What did you do?
Why did you lock the door?
The power's out.
-Why is this happening?
-How on Earth would I know?
Must be the storm.
What now?
I'm calling emergency services.
Why are you calling emergency services?
Hey, back off! Keep your hands off of me.
I'm calling the fire department.
-What for?
-To get them to open the door!
But that will bring the cops too!
So what?
Your face is already on video anyway.
Give me that knife.
You're bluffing.
There's no power to run the camera!
The power was on when we came in, stupid.
Since you didn't get to rob me,
why don't you give me the knife now?
Give it back! Give it back now!
Just relax.
I'm not calling anyone, okay?
Stay calm and
we'll pretend nothing happened.
You didn't rob me. I wasn't robbed.
We'll wait this out,
and then we'll leave, okay?
Come here.
-What's this?
-That's my stuff!
Have a drink, come on.
Come on, have a drink with me.
This is going to be a long night,
let's be friends and chat for a bit.
I can tell you stories.
I'm not in the mood.
They're funny stories, though.
Nothing's funny.
I haven't laughed in three years!
You'll laugh,
wait till you hear what I do.
What do you do?
I'm a hooker!
A whore who's seen better days.
I need a hooker!
Sorry, granny, wrong apartment again.
It's flat D, not B, handsome.
Turn around.
Go straight.
Keep going.
Go past the camera, on your right. Go on!
Go on.
That's it!
I need a hooker.
Surely you're not here for a haircut?
My God, dish detergent?
No, it's shower gel.
The original bottle got broken.
Could you call me names
while we're doing it?
Sure! An extra $20 for "Honey"
and $30 for "Hubby."
Any other words?
Flat rate, $20 each.
Can I kiss you on the lips?
That'll cost you an extra $100.
I haven't kissed for a long time,
not since my girlfriend dumped me.
-Really?
-God knows, I miss her.
Could you do it the way she did?
Sure, just tell me how.
You happy?
My boyfriend, are you happy?
Mom says she misses you.
Can you visit her some time?
After this we can go visit the old lady.
You have to go with me
and visit my mom, okay?
Okay!
Okay.
Listen, say this
Gee, but I'm shy. You have to go with me!
You're always shy.
A bite for my Snow Baby.
Snow Baby!
My Snow Baby. Now say my name.
What should I call you?
Snow Baby, she liked to call me
Steely Willy.
Steely Willy?
Snow Baby.
Scratch my back, Snow Baby!
-What?
-Scratch my back!
Harder! Now bite my shoulder!
Yes! Shoulder!
Bite me!
And squeeze the zits on my back!
-Do it!
-Squeeze?
Snow Baby!
What now?
Your face is different.
She looked a lot sweeter.
Sweeter!
Keep moaning for me!
Moan!
Steely Willy!
My Steely Willy
I love you, Snow Baby!
That one's my all-time favorite.
Why aren't you laughing?
It was supposed to be a sure thing.
Nothing funny about it.
Your life is pathetic.
You ever hear the song "Tragedy of Blood"?
Bloody tragic, it's bloody tragic
The bleeding is bloody tragic
It's really so tragic
I've met so many interesting people.
And I sure had a lot of fun.
Oh, I really gotta tell you this story.
While working at a massage parlor,
guess who I saw?
Who?
I saw
Hello!
Hello.
Gently, not too hard.
Sure.
Mister, have I served you before?
I could use a nap.
Right.
Just take it easy.
Sure. Want an oil rub?
Andy!
What are you doing there?
Sorry
Andy!
Andy, I'm your biggest fan!
I know all your songs and movies by heart!
Since when did you cut your hair?
I could really use a nap.
-Rub my head only.
-Done.
Here, have a pillow.
Andy.
You're slimmer in person.
Look how hairy you are
Wow!
This drink is endorsed by Andy!
Get a life, sing along the way
Enough. Stop!
You've got a vivid imagination, don't you?
Every word I've said is true.
I've been a hooker since I was 15.
A hooker at 15?
Always better to start early.
It all began in the late '70s.
I took the first subway ride to work
in a "fishball joint."
Princess Alexandra arrived
at Central Station today
to host the opening ceremony
of the Mass Transit Railway.
The first train arrives at the platform
and breaks through the ribbons.
And the MTR begins to serve
the people of Hong Kong
"Fishballs" is a term
for under-developed teenage boobies.
Horny bastards in those days
had a lot fun in fishball joints.
There was a saying,
"Follow your dick,
fishballing does the trick."
Oh, my God, Chow Yun-Fat is kissing her!
-What's the big deal?
-I watch this show every day!
You still got me, I kiss better than Chow.
Out of my way! I'm watching!
-You're naughty, very naughty.
-You're Kum?
That's right.
You've got nice boobies for your age.
It's my butt you're grabbing.
How old are you?
Fifteen. Happy?
-Yes.
-Go on, then!
Oh, you're so naughty, but I love you so.
Working in the dark is bad for you.
Now your eyes
are overly sensitive to light.
First you get dizzy,
then you could become blind.
What exactly do you do?
I work in my father's darkroom.
Granny, no more fishballing from now on.
I'm quitting.
Where are you going?
Hostess club, here I come!
They say a fish can't grow big
in a small pond.
So once I turned 18,
I moved to a bigger pond.
Numbers 8, 10, and 12 look good.
I'll hire them.
Step up, number 19.
We sure beat
the Miss Hong Kong Pageant tonight.
They can make more money here, though.
They might as well get real.
I'm number 19, Shirley Au.
All the guys like to get in bed
and do kung fu fighting with me.
Someone wanna try?
Done! You're hired.
Next!
Say something!
My guys say I'm a kung fu expert too.
No kidding!
Kum is amazing!
Isn't she amazing? She knows her stuff.
Kum! Show us more!
Gentlemen, may I present to you,
our Action Queen.
Miss Kum!
I saw this cute little LV bag yesterday.
Might as well buy a big one.
I can buy an LV trunk with this.
Big enough for us to fool around inside.
Boss, I saw this
plastic storage bag today.
Here, go buy it.
Thank you, boss.
Go do your kung fu.
Gotcha!
-Fabulous!
-Look out!
You have to come
and see me more often, okay?
Sure!
That chick's finally got her boobs done!
My God, cross-eyed boobies?
They're diverged, facing outward.
Cross-eyed are inward!
Thank you for coming! Have a nice evening!
Smile and behave, girls.
Good evening, Mr. Yui.
Hello, Mr. Chan!
Morning, boss!
Hey, Dragon!
You aren't getting away from here
till you beat me.
Sure thing.
Go! Go!
Never let the dragon jump on your wagon!
Do a number for us, Kum!
Thank you, boss!
I love you, Kum!
KIMMY - MAKES 80 GRAND MONTHLY
MISTRESS OF THREE TYCOONS
GAGA - MAKES 65 GRAND MONTHLY
PREVIOUS ISSUE PLAYBOY COVER GIRL
KUM - NOT TOO PRETTY OR SEXY
STILL MAKES 40 GRAND A MONTH
Good!
Hairy Kit
Take good care of him!
Hey, Mr. Gan?
FRANKIE - THE MOST AMBITIOUS
REAL ESTATE ASS-KISSER
HAIRY KIT - FORMER YOUNGESSTOCK MARKET ANALYSMR. GAN - THE MOST CORRUPCIVIL ENGINEER
You are so drunk.
Gentlemen!
You two asked for sisters,
and I've finally got you twins!
Philip, you like it tall and skinny,
here's Mary!
Inspector Ho wants something barely legal?
Here comes our first timer, Mum-mum.
Girls, take a seat
and make everyone happy.
Go on, sit down.
What about me?
Mandel, I didn't forget about you.
I've saved the gem of the night for you.
Kimmy!
Mandel, I saw a three-carat diamond
in the store the other day.
Buy it.
And I discovered this
three-carat gallstone in my body.
Go get an operation!
Gentlemen, may I present you
the comedian of the evening, Kum!
Kum! Start your number!
Listen, Peter's filthy rich.
Drain him slow and dry, okay?
Why waste time? I'll eat him alive.
What about my guy?
Moan loud, he likes a screamer.
Really?
Yes, try it.
Fatso, fatso.
Oh, my, fatso!
And just like that, I moaned my way up.
I got my first big house,
my first king-size bed.
Kum works hard, Kum eats a tart.
You happy? I'm happy! And you?
I'm so, so happy!
FLOWER LOVE MOTEL
Auntie, you're still using
that old teapot?
I'm a little teapot, short and stout
You're becoming quite a pretty hooker.
I'm not a hooker.
I'm a club hostess.
Not a hooker?
You sleep with men and they pay you.
Face it, you're a hooker.
With a face like yours,
you need to triple your effort.
I'm a little teapot, short and stout
You haven't worked that long, but
your voice has already become so rough.
I can't help it,
I scream and moan every night.
I always give it everything I've got.
But you aren't moaning properly.
-Do it from here.
-From down here?
Try it.
It's more convincing that way
and it doesn't hurt your vocal cords.
Change the rhythm each time.
Alternate between fast and slow,
heavy and light, high and low.
At times, you should
Watch me
Oh, my God! Oh, baby!
What's going on?
Gee, you've got a hard-on!
Don't touch it! It'll spit on you.
What a loser.
I moan a little and you get all hard.
You didn't have to moan so realistically,
it's just a story.
By the way, in your line of work,
don't you get diseases?
Diseases, the doctors can handle those.
It's something else that scares me.
What's that?
I'm pregnant.
-Are you kidding?
-What's your problem?
I shouldn't have walked on your back
if you're pregnant.
I was hoping you'd save me
the cost of an abortion.
Forget about it!
-Who's the father?
-How would I know?
What now?
Do you know a good doctor?
Let's see. I know a very good doctor.
-I'll take you there tomorrow.
-Well
Well?
Sure.
It's your baby, you sure wanna do it?
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
What? You haven't gotten dressed?
Not yet.
-Bloody hell.
-What's wrong?
Jackie Chan injured himself.
He might have to quit!
You're crazy!
And you'd better take care of this quick
or you'll be out of work soon.
It's really looking cloudy out there.
And now there's thunder.
Hey! It's pouring!
That's no good!
Don't you wanna
take off all your clothes and take a nap?
No way!
Leave the undies on.
Get up!
Allow me
-Ain't I good?
-Can we go?
Let's go! But we're going back to work!
What?
It's night already.
Let's go.
Do that to me one more time, baby.
The clinic is closing.
Are you coming or not?
And no more dawdling!
Itchy, itchy, itchy, itchy
Rub, rub, rub
Rub, itchy, rub
What if I go visit Auntie?
You drama queen!
Hey, Auntie.
She's great!
Not her! Yours is there.
-Gwen!
-Here!
She's nice too.
Auntie, I'm pregnant.
Never heard of condoms?
I couldn't get an abortion.
Are you seeing the right kind of doctor?
It's not the doctor!
It's scary, you know.
Every time I go out,
it rains cats and dogs.
The moment I turn back, the sun comes out.
It never fails.
Maybe someone up there
doesn't want me to do it.
That's probably true.
A gift from the goddess Guanyin.
Come over and thank the goddess.
That ain't no goddess, that's a guy.
She'll get it.
The gods have their network up there.
Sorry, dude, just pass along the message.
What do I do now?
Am I keeping it?
You expect the goddess to raise him too?
What then?
You're the mother!
I can't go around
with a screaming monster.
Use you brain, bimbo.
When the mother is busy,
the father takes over.
Get the baby a father.
You mean, another baby?
With whom?
Work on it.
You're the mother!
You're still here?
Come serve the last customer.
Mr. Wu, this is Kum.
Hello. Please, sit down.
You two, keep it going.
-Thanks.
-My pleasure.
I'm Richard.
Have a drink.
You're here so late.
I wanted to leave.
But they said it's pouring outside,
so I stayed.
Have a drink.
Thanks.
Cheers!
Are you okay?
I saw you standing there all spaced-out.
Something bothering you?
I don't know why,
but this song melts my heart
every time I hear it.
It's an English song.
You understand the words?
Of course!
It says when the child is born,
the world becomes meaningful
and beautiful.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
I'm not really good with words.
I'm really sorry.
Sorry, my English isn't very good,
so I'm going to sing a Chinese version.
I hope it'll be
as meaningful and beautiful.
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A shiny star lights up way up high
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born
A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt
Crumbled, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born
Did you like it?
-It's great.
-Thank you.
You're so cheesy.
I run a factory in New York's Chinatown,
can't help but be a bit cheesy.
I see.
But I came up with
the Chinese lyrics all by myself.
I see.
I'm not the most eloquent guy,
but I hope this song will cheer you up.
Yes, you've cheered me up.
Really? Sing with me, then.
No way.
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A shiny star lights up way up high
Enough
Let me.
Why are you so sweet? Why sing for me?
It's nothing.
We both like the song.
And it looks we were meant to cross paths.
Do you have a child?
Nope.
Wish I did.
Children are a hassle.
At least I wouldn't be
wasting my time in clubs.
If I had a child,
I'd help him do his homework,
I'd tell him bedtime stories.
On holidays, I'd take him places.
And we could watch the stars at night.
That'd be great.
You know about stars?
I'm only an amateur.
That one is Rigel at the foot of Orion,
over 770 light-years away from Earth.
It's the brightest star
in the constellation
and it's visible from almost anywhere.
-Let me ask you something.
-Okay.
You know that one?
The furthest away from us?
That one?
That one.
That's a "movie star."
You're right.
Let's call it the Movie Star.
Sure.
If you want a kid that much,
I can give you one.
Sounds good.
I'm serious.
I'm damn serious.
Don't tease me.
I'm not teasing.
What, right here?
Why not?
People will see us.
You see anyone around?
Hey, hold on.
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A shiny star lights up way up high
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born
I'm pregnant.
You said I could bear you a child
and you'd take care of him.
What about you?
I'm too busy with work.
The goddess has sent us a child.
No need to complicate matters.
If you say so, when the baby's born,
I'll take him back to the States.
Great!
America is the best!
Great!
I will give this child
the best of everything
and make sure he becomes
someone we can be proud of.
Done.
Can you promise me one more thing?
Yes?
You won't let the kid see me.
Professional habit.
Take it easy.
Doctor, have you known Richard long?
Yes.
Is he married?
His wife died a long time ago.
And you?
Married, yeah.
Any kids?
Me? Yes.
No, I mean Richard.
He sure has one now.
Doctor,
can you promise me one thing?
When the baby's born,
don't let me see him.
I might not be able to let him go.
Mummy loves you.
Hey, kiddo, excuse me.
Why are you two playing
such a boring game?
Let me teach you something exciting.
Whiskey! Vodka!
Drink it up or go to hell!
Whiskey! Vodka!
Drink it up or go to hell!
Whiskey! Vodka
Oh, boy, don't you look handsome?
You'll grow up looking like Andy Lau.
Are you hungry?
Oh, you sweet pumpkin
Excuse me, can I have my son back?
Time to eat.
He must be hungry by now.
Can I play with him a bit longer?
It's been more than an hour now.
Why don't you play with your own?
Thanks, thank you so much.
God knows I miss you so.
This is the worst decision
I've ever made in my life.
There's no going back.
I'm so upset,
I could only knock my head against a wall.
We're on our way to the airport.
You sure you don't want to see the baby?
The airport, please.
Airport, right?
This is so weird, ma'am.
A hailstorm in Hong Kong!
Are you okay? You all right?
What do you want to do?
Turn around.
What?
Turn around.
The goddess sent you a son
and you sent him away.
That's the way it's supposed to be.
Come on, have some tangerine water.
Everything will be fine.
This tastes good.
-Wow, Kum-Kum!
-Welcome back!
Look! Your breasts got bigger!
You're looking good!
In the good old days, we tipped big-time.
In the washroom, we tipped
$20 a pee, $100 a dump.
You happy?
Happy.
I once tipped $200 for a bout of diarrhea.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS MEET FOR BAILOUT PLAN
But the stock market crashed in 1987
GOVERNMENT FREEZES TAKEOVER RULES
This is bad.
Don't be sad.
Anyone seen Amy?
She emigrated to Canada.
Where's Candy? She'll do.
She just married an old guy,
and they're emigrating to Australia.
And you? Where are you emigrating to?
There were three phenomenal inventions
in the '90s.
The first one was the cell phone,
the second one was karaoke,
and the third one was the women
pouring in from mainland China.
We called them "Northern Chicks."
Could anyone be willing to be
Caressed by strangers?
Could anyone be willing to have
Her lips tasted by thousands?
I'm willing! I truly am!
-Hi, pretty.
-Did you like my singing, boss?
Love it.
I can sing
and do a lot more at the same time.
How long have you been in Hong Kong?
Fresh off the boat.
Please be gentle with me, boss.
A gentleman is always gentle.
I used to be in the beer industry
back home,
showing people how to "blew" the beer.
What?
You must have blown a lot.
Are you a naughty man teasing me now?
Rich guys like you,
you never know what life is like
at the "blew-ery."
Who is this girl?
I also want to blow the grapes,
blow the watermelon,
and blow the cognac bottle.
We're all just trying to make a living.
Bad Cantonese, big boobs, bad make-up,
and willing to do
just about anything for money.
Those were the Northern Chicks.
Happy birthday!
May all your nights be filled
with horny bastards.
-Seafood?
-Hot pot, maybe.
Hurry up, let's go eat.
Quick, we're waiting.
Coming.
Hey, Kum, get changed.
What are you doing stuck in a locker?
Why are you crying?
Who bullied you?
Stop crying and tell me who it is.
Tell me,
and I'll go punch him
in the balls right now.
It's you, the Northern Chicks,
who bullied us.
Survival of the fittest, what can I say?
We'll never be as tough
as our sisters from the North.
I was 29, aging by the day.
Could I transition to being a madam?
Maybe.
But that's not my cup of tea.
So I went to work at a massage parlor.
No drinking, no frills,
just straight to business.
Only using my hand.
It was easy money.
People assume a masseuse
makes less money. Wrong!
A hostess makes $1,500 per outcall.
Two outcalls a night,
a maximum of 25 days per month.
That's a total of $75,000.
A masseuse makes
a humble $350 per hand job,
but ten hand-jobs a day,
and 31 days per month.
That's a total of $108,500.
Hey, you, get your ass to work.
Mr. K., your usual yogurt drink?
Hey, Johnny, bro,
yogurt drink for you too?
Black coffee coming right up, Mr. Chan.
Two large beers and one black coffee.
Hey, Dragon, dude, I've been throbbing
in this freaking departure lounge
for an hour.
Flights are delayed, man.
Let me upgrade you to a First Class
private room, okay?
-Come in here.
-What is it?
Keith, your one-eyed friend
is in for a surprise today.
You sure? Hope it's not a nasty surprise.
Hey, man,
we have a reputation to maintain.
Your one-eyed friend is
going to be one happy snake.
Special meal request,
I want it freezingly hot.
Ice and Fire? No problem.
Hey, you.
You want more pressure?
I'm not talking about your physics.
I'm talking about your mathematics.
In a 90-minute session,
you spend more than
two-thirds of the time on my back.
In other words,
only one-third of the session
is left for my other body parts.
Do you think that's enough?
Add another session then, boss.
I'm no boss.
I'm Prof. Chan.
I teach mathematics.
How many sessions
I order is my personal choice,
but if I need to purchase more sessions
as a consequence of your mismanagement,
you have to compensate me
for my economic loss.
I see, I'm sorry.
Take a pillow.
What are you up to?
Getting to work.
By taking off my shorts?
You have a theory there?
Now, take it easy, don't play dumb.
I'm giving you a hand job.
Jerking you off, spanking the monkey.
Spanking the monkey, jerking off,
pulling the pud,
they're basically the same term
for self-abuse, masturbation.
Basically, a do-it-yourself project
for the sex drive.
But why would I hire someone else
to do something that I can do myself?
That violates the logic of economics
to the point of being ridiculous.
Your back is all knotted up.
Otherwise I wouldn't need you here.
Thought you had something to tell me.
Such as?
Well, you just came back from America,
there's nothing to tell?
America? What's there to tell?
America never changes.
I'm asking because
it's been raining a lot lately.
Done!
Want me to do your friend down there too?
I've known you for years,
but I've never met your friend down there.
This toy piano is cute.
A present for him.
"Him"?
Him.
He's going to be ten next month.
Please pass it along to him for me.
No hurry, though.
Just give it to him
the next time you visit.
Next year's fine.
It's really cute, it's got a song.
You have to finish the antibiotics, okay?
Okay.
The nurse will give you your prescription.
Thanks.
I'll leave the box.
Please put it back in for me.
No need to hurry.
Just take it with you
when you go next time.
Think he'd be a charmer if he plays piano?
Probably.
Bye. Call me if you need my hands.
You got a cold?
Room 47, can you do it?
Can do.
Howdy.
Mister?
Which bed do you prefer?
Oops, sorry, sorry.
I'm okay.
Sorry.
Are you okay? Over here, please.
I'm really sorry.
Please lie down.
Oil rub.
Should I not press too hard?
Give it all you've got.
Did I do it wrong?
I'm sorry.
You want another masseuse?
Hold still.
Relax.
Lie down.
Close your eyes.
Double Seven.
Double Seven.
Double Seven.
Ginseng tea for you.
What's up?
What happened?
Yeah, why were you sleeping here?
Where's my customer?
He ordered ginseng tea for you and left.
Space cadet, Room 47 for you.
Or shall I send him over? It's Room 47!
-47?
-47!
I need a doctor!
It's you.
You know kung fu?
Nah.
Come and lie down.
I owe you one.
The last time,
you were gone when I woke up.
It was rude.
Let me make it up to you this time.
Tired again?
Napping?
So, cool, you never talk.
Not breathing? He's dead?
God bless him, dying so young.
Still alive, what a relief.
What should I call you?
Yeh.
And me?
You haven't told me.
And you didn't ask.
So I won't tell you.
How is it? Feeling good?
You need to tell me what to do.
Am I pushing the right button?
Why are you following me?
I was just passing by.
I ran into you.
No, I didn't
Hey!
I still don't know your name.
I told you, Yeh.
Your first name! Don't you have one?
Do you know my name?
Double Seven.
Kum.
Come on, play fair.
You know my name,
but I don't know yours.
Yeh.
And your cell phone number?
They all start with 9.
9 what?
9
4-8.
9-4-8 and
Hey!
Kum, Room 47 for you.
Howdy.
Want to try something new today?
I like new experiences
because they stimulate the mind.
But tell me
how attractive and economically
viable this new experience can be
before I make a decision.
A "double-grip"?
Hold it there.
There are two hands for one masseuse,
four for two,
and I have only one "little brother."
So, one hand takes care of my sibling,
and the other three hands
become redundant.
That doesn't make sense.
There are two boobies for one girl,
four for two.
If you can have four boobies in two hands,
doesn't that make perfect economic sense?
Your argument is only an argument.
It needs data to support it.
Prof. Chan didn't go for a double-grip.
He figured if he could have
12 boobies in two hands,
that'd make perfect sense.
Want some body gel?
Sweat!
Oil!
Cabin crew, prepare for final descent,
and get ready for touchdown.
Happy?
The operation was successful,
but the patient died.
Yeh would come once in a while.
His visits made me happy.
Each time he left,
he'd leave me another number.
What's the number this time?
See you soon.
But after he gave me six digits,
he vanished.
Yeh?
Sun Fat Restaurant.
-Who, again?
-Yeh?
-Wrong number.
-Not this one.
Who's this?
This is Kum, Double Seven.
What's up?
It was a wild guess
and I got it right.
Something the matter?
I haven't seen you in a while.
I was wondering
if you had some time for me?
This humid weather can cause sore muscles.
Shall I come over to give you a massage?
No. I'll come tomorrow.
You haven't been here for ages.
Two and half months.
What's up?
Nothing.
Nothing?
You've got a new girl?
You don't need me now.
Come over here.
Hey
Is something bothering you?
Tell me
What's the matter?
Maybe I can help?
Lend me 150 grand.
I'll pay you back.
What was that? It hurts!
That pressure point shows me
you've got digestive problems.
Of course, I don't get to eat very often.
There's nothing to digest.
Now this one is going to hurt.
-Strange. No response?
-What's that pressure point?
Your reproductive system. Men at your age
are usually weak down there.
I'm fine in that department,
I've barely used it.
Really? That's why you get hard so easily.
Where's your wife?
-Gone.
-Pardon?
She dumped me.
Why did she do that?
I'm a loser. I got laid off
and I couldn't find another job.
And then my credit card bills
just snowballed.
Now I have loan sharks after me.
They even sent me lunch boxes.
That's so sweet of them.
The lunch boxes are filled with poop.
They're telling me to eat shit.
Well, everyone has a story.
By the way, you gave the money away,
just like that?
I didn't give it away, I lent it to him.
Did he pay you back?
He left me this card,
said he'd deposit the money on the 15th.
The 15th of what?
That was seven years ago.
And you still believe in him?
None of your bloody business.
Here I go again, so what?
Hey, there's no power.
What happened?
I'm scared.
This is serious, your hand
is one of your tools of the trade.
Make sure you hold still.
Three robbers armed with AK-47s stole
six million dollars' worth of jewelry
from five shops in Kwun Tong.
Five policemen and 12 passersby were shot
as both sides exchanged gunfire
I know him!
Damn!
I knew nothing about that.
I'm afraid you can't give
hand jobs anymore.
Bad news always comes in threes.
Auntie passed away that spring.
She really had a gift
for making all kinds of soup.
The most delicious selection of soup
available at any brothel.
She washed and dried my clothes while I
What am I going to do without her?
"Autumn wind whistles
XU ZHIMO POEMS COLLECTION
I don't dare to look at the garden
Leaves fall like wounded birds
Wounded by unseen arrows"
Are all these people our relatives?
They're your auntie's former customers.
She was enormously popular.
No man could resist her charms.
Those people used to fight over
your auntie when she was young.
Memories are all that's left
Auntie is gone, but she left us goodies.
What now?
Shall we make use of them?
Let's do that.
Like I said,
bad news always comes in threes.
Around that time, three Dengs left us.
One was Auntie Lydia Deng, whose death
broke many horny bastards' hearts.
The other was Teresa Deng.
The third one was
during the flag-raising ceremony
at Tiananmen Square.
The flag was raised to half-mast in memory
of the late Chairman Deng Xiaoping.
Many of Beijing's citizens gathered
in the Square
-What? Glasses!
-Dragon!
Kum is here to see you.
You look good, Dragon.
Recovering fast, huh?
Yes, Kum knows.
-What?
-Kum understands.
Dragon says the soup is excellent today.
And a game with Kum would be nice, no?
We'll play fair, right?
Great, let's do it now, come on.
"Jangambui, Ajimetehui!"
Gee! I can never beat you at this,
you've got killer eyes!
-You'll be fine soon!
-Time for your medicine.
Lucky guy, you get yummy soup everyday.
I understand this one.
He said, "Why don't you take
my place instead?"
"Bimbo!"
You bitch! How did this happen?
You make him soup every day now?
It's a hassle.
But I've known him for so long.
What else can I do?
Besides, the stroke happened
in my apartment.
Wow, your insatiable appetite
caused the stroke?
That isn't funny.
Since when have the two of you
I don't remember.
It's more like keeping him company.
Talking to the TV by yourself
can be boring, you know?
Prince Charles,
together with former governor Patten
arrived at the Tamar after
the handover ceremony.
The former governor looked downcast
while his two daughters wept openly.
The royal yacht Britannia
left at 50 minutes past midnight
with Prince Charles
and Patten on the deck,
waving farewell to the people on shore.
The local stock market index
fell below 10,000 points twice today.
With a record drop of 1,871 points
in the afternoon,
the Hang Seng Index closed
at 10,426 points,
dropping 1,211 points
from the previous day.
So it's the crash of 1997
that got you here.
1997 was bad, but not that bad.
It's the new millennium that got us all.
four, three, two, one Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
We're at the start of a new millennium!
Upon the report of PCCW's
corporate losses,
CEO Richard Li stated that
it is purely an issue with bookkeeping
You large shareholders have
made hundreds of millions,
whereas we small shareholders
have lost our life savings.
Tell me, what kind of logic is this?
In reply to public complaints of
PCCW overpaying its management,
CEO Richard Li said
These executives
Shut up if you don't know how
to speak properly!
I've lost everything
because of your lousy stock!
Give me my money back
or I'll call the cops!
Out of my way!
Now you're really making me angry!
Mister, seriously
The bed means a whole lot to me,
can't you see?
Sign here and you can go.
The bed really means a whole lot to me.
This bed means my first time,
it means my career, it means my life!
I'm happy with my bed.
You happy?
I'm really happy with my bed.
Can't you see?
Look at me! Can't you see?
This bed is happiness to me!
After the millennium, Hong Kong was
struck by three unprecedented disasters.
First, the real estate bubble burst,
second, an upsurge in bankruptcy
Bet you feel happy now.
I'll owe you one, please!
I can't do it.
Hey, missy.
What?
There's no way to get this through.
-Now what?
-You tell me.
The third is the infamous chicken flu.
An AFC spokesman confirmed today
that the massive chicken slaughter
is near its completion.
Officials stated that
they had disposed of all of the remains.
However, there have been reports of
chicken carcasses left exposed to flies
When are they gonna slaughter
this old chicken?
Glad I don't eat chicken,
or else I'd be a chicken flu chicken.
Please don't go. Being in debt
isn't the end of the world.
We can pull through this together.
-Please don't go!
-Relax.
It's just a nightmare.
Have a sip.
Don't worry.
I ran into a friend recently,
he gave me some words of wisdom.
He said that all the glory is crap.
And all the crap is flushed
down the drain.
-Is this the line for jobs?
-That's right.
So many people for one job?
What is the employment center doing?
Madam, wasn't that $30
for the 30th place in line?
Right, the 30th from the end.
You're spreading false information!
You're corrupting the market,
that's cheating.
At least give me a few dollars back!
Hey! Get in line! Don't cut in!
-Prof. Chan.
-Double Seven.
How are you?
Fine, you?
Me? Fine, of course. Fine.
Fine. That's good.
The line's too long. Forget it.
Let's go get tea.
In this social climate,
having tea violates
the principles of economics.
You know, even a cup of coffee costs
My treat!
Deal.
Let's go.
So, what about the cab fare?
Your treat too, right?
What's with the grin?
Nah, I'm just thinking
about your hands at work.
Working on what, Professor?
This, and that.
A "double," "quadruple" or "octuple-grip"?
With hands like yours,
a single-grip is all I care to remember.
Wanna try again?
I'm fine, really.
Better to just keep it in my memory,
it's more economical that way.
Who says I'm charging?
You can "takeoff"
with your frequent flyer miles.
Frequent flyer? Nothing comes for free.
Will it affect the quality?
You tell me.
When the economy is slow
We need to stimulate the market with
groundbreaking promotional deals.
Freebie time, Professor.
I'm coming!
You're leaving?
Yes.
Here.
I get a tip?
Three hundred dollars
is like spare change.
Are you kidding?
You have no idea how seriously people
take money these days.
Three hundred can go a long way.
Right, I just went a long way.
I kissed you and moaned your name twice,
acting as if I was your girlfriend.
But before I came,
I screamed "Double" twice.
A hundred back,
for acting like your boyfriend.
I still remember, back in my prime,
I'd pocket a few grand
even before I did anything.
What have I come to?
Talk about past glory.
In the past, I got full salary
for half the effort.
I was Prof. Chan.
Now I can't even teach grade school.
All that past crap
is flushed down the drain.
We're in the "No Pain, No Gain" era.
Ever heard this one? "Work is tough,
but better than doing nothing."
Get real, Double Seven.
What comes after that?
Get going, start working, stop jerking.
What can I do?
Do what you're best at.
What are you best at?
I'm best at, you know
I'm best at making men happy.
So be it.
Anyway, it's not economical for one person
to live in such a big apartment.
Make it a home office.
One room is where you sleep,
the other is where you work.
What should I do? Sell pork buns?
You sell your "buns"!
Open up a one-chicken brothel.
Become self-employed. Be your own boss.
Live life on your own terms.
Wish I could live like I won the lottery
Wouldn't have to do shit
And no boss to hassle me
Just wait for my check
And I got no worries
That's the way to do it
Absolutely zip, shit, zip!
Wish I could live like I won the lottery
Wouldn't have to do shit
And no boss to hassle me
Just wait for my check
And I got no worries
What's up? Ma'am.
Speak up!
I'm looking to advertise.
Then tell us, what services do you offer?
What kind of image are you selling?
Our columnist will "sample" you tomorrow.
We'll also write a little something
about your business.
Wanna open a chat room too?
Good to chat with the horny bastards.
Don't worry, they won't bite.
Hi, today we're introducing
another independent sex worker.
"Ginger Chicken in the Pot."
GRAND OPENING FEATURING NEW GIRL
Hey, you!
-Are you lighting firecrackers?
-So what?
It's illegal! Stupid!
Don't point your finger at me!
You can't stop me.
My favorite pork belly
Best pork belly
Great homemade soup
But no one comes to enjoy it
What the hell.
Come on in! Boss!
This is the doorway to heaven, come on in!
Come in!
$37.50.
Come in or I'm not paying.
You pay up or I'll beat you up.
Beat me up? Ooh! I like that!
Come on, quick!
$37.50!
The change! 50 cents!
God, oh, God
Please help me.
This is death by boredom.
Does this shirt come in other colors?
It's all here, check it out for yourself.
These days, service like hers
is just not good enough.
Right, that bitch can go to hell.
You need to be able to satisfy
your boss and your customers.
And our service needs to be genuine,
friendly, and professional in every way.
But I have no customers to serve.
Andy, you wouldn't understand.
You're a star, famous, successful,
and so rich.
Ever thought about it
the other way around?
If you were a customer,
would you want to be served by you?
Why not?
Because I'm worn and torn.
Wrong.
Excuse me.
Let me get out of here
and set you straight.
The thing is, you're not genuine.
This is the doorway to heaven,
come on in! Boss!
You're amazing!
Andy, you're such a great actor!
You're screwed!
There is no heart.
Nowadays, an attitude like that
is just not good enough,
and just won't do.
You need to build from the bottom.
Let's start at square one.
Moan for me.
Come on.
You need some aspirin?
Andy.
Get into it!
With feeling!
Be coy!
Be steamy!
Come on!
Come on, be volcanic!
More!
Boss, this is the doorway to heaven.
-Boss!
-Very good!
Great!
Since we're at it,
let's move to the advanced level.
We'll do Face-Changing.
No moaning?
No Andy and no moaning?
You won't get clients
like Andy very often.
Moan for everyone
as if you're moaning for me.
Or else you won't have
any man to moan to anymore.
Look at me!
Get into it! With feelings!
Moan your heart out for all races!
For Indians, moan with an Indian touch.
A curry touch.
Don't you dare give up.
Moan with your heart
and your act will become real.
Once real, you'll get the sensation.
The sensation will bring you to orgasm.
Your orgasm will uplift you.
And your customers will be uplifted too.
As word of mouth spreads,
all the horny bastards
in Hong Kong will come to you.
Then you will become the one and only
Golden Chicken.
Keep going.
Remember, work hard and you'll succeed.
Andy.
Life is a series of
Laughter and tears
We're destined to meet under the Lion Rock
Dear fellow citizens,
Hong Kong is now faced
with unprecedented hardship.
Nowadays, everyone goes
north of the border for sex.
If we want to keep the customers at home,
we need to imitate the Northern Chicks.
This is a serious challenge
for all of you.
Now follow me.
Boss!
Boss!
How about Ice and Fire?
How about Ice and Fire?
As for me, I also find this
to be a quite a challenge.
Thanks, Uncle Sam!
-Come again!
-I will!
It's not your turn yet, darling.
I've been waiting forever, Kum.
I'll be right with you, honey.
-I've waited over an hour!
-You're next, cutie pie.
This is my head.
These are my boobs. Size 36-D.
Come and play with me again sometime.
-Thank you.
-My pleasure.
May God bless you.
Let's go.
He's sweet.
Good boy, come play next time.
I'll treat you to some candies.
Bye!
Together, we can overcome hardship
And bring Hong Kong everlasting glory
Together, we can overcome hardship
And bring Hong Kong everlasting glory
Why didn't you come
for your regular checkup?
I thought I was fine.
You thought you were fine?
I'm not?
You're fine.
You scared me.
Tell me something about America.
Again?
What?
Richard He's gone.
At least he had a son.
Not by blood though.
What do you mean?
I was his family doctor, I know.
Bless his soul, Richard was a good man.
But he was sterile.
What's the matter?
I need to crap.
I'll show you to the washroom.
Just let me
Let me think.
Where's his son?
He's very independent and mature.
Don't worry, he's already 18.
What happened next?
I left the clinic
and had a bowl of noodles.
I was on my way home
when I stopped by this ATM.
And here we are.
That's it? Keep talking, would you?
Life is long and the night is short.
It's dawn!
Shit! Another day!
There must be a bunch of lunch boxes
waiting for me at home.
I'd rather get stuck in here forever.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14TH
Let's go.
The door won't open.
Pull it.
Where are you heading?
Somewhere I can jump off from.
Hey, you, hang on! Don't give up!
If I get through this,
where can I find you?
Across the street, apartment 7D.
What's your name?
My name is Bon, James Bon.
The meaning of my name is "Help."
Hang in there,
you're going to get through this.
Come back and give me some business.
"Help."
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15TH
It's twelve o'clock now?
Right, because of the power outage.
Today's actually the 15th?
PROCESSING
PLEASE WAIT
ACCOUNT BALANCE: $948,511.42
$948,511.42?
What is this?
It's his cell phone number!
I knew he'd pay me back!
Bon! James Bon!
Seasons change
Years have gone by and now I look back
I never got what I cherished
I got what I didn't want
How do I begin to tell you
About all that I have won and lost?
Alas, things go by in a flash
Cause and effect get blurred
That's life, forever letting go
Forever hanging on!
My life is just a series
Of moments slipping by
That's life!
It's so hard to see clearly though tears
What I've lost is
Ironically, all I've got
Seasons change
Years have gone by and now I look back
I never got what I cherished
I got what I didn't want
How do I begin to tell you
About all that I have won and lost?
Alas, things go by in a flash
Cause and effect are blurred
That's life!
Forever letting go
Forever hanging on!
My life is just a series
Of moments slipping by
That's life!
It's so hard to see clearly though tears
What I've lost is
Ironically, all I've got
Hey! Bon! Why are you sitting here?
What's up? Why are you here?
I've been chasing after you like crazy!
I made it! I made it!
What did you make?
I told you you were gonna
get through this.
How? What?
I've got nearly a million in the bank.
Told you he'd pay me back!
He did?
I can help you,
I can lend you all you need!
Nearly a million?