Gone Doggy Gone (2014) Movie Script
1
Hi. Did you miss me?
No. Not at all.
I'll take that as a compliment.
It's okay. You won't lose any
data.
It's on somebody's cloud.
Oh my god.
Ah, control click the package.
The collections were tragic.
We can only hope our customers
are as color-blind as
our designers.
It's hidden in the installer.
Hold on. That's my sitter, Jill.
Ya.
Hi Jill! How's Laila?
She didn't bite anyone did she?
Uh-uh-hold on, this is
my-my-assistant.
Oh my God yeah.
The models were fat.
They said they were healthy, but
they were fat.
Uh... you control click it.
It's the key that says CTRL.
It's on the-
Oh my God! That is
disgusting!
A package is actually a folder.
Yeah, they do that to
make it simple...
but it's always hard to explain
it.
Oh my God. That is so cute. I
can't stand it.
- Wait a minute. Oh no.
- Are you brushing your teeth!?
Do not say that again!
Hold on Luis, that's my sitter
again. Hey, Jill what's up?
Well, the
installer image is inside.
About 8 giga-
- Okay. I can hear you.
- Sorry.
Hi.
Wait, wait, wait. It's not on
the cloud?
Oh boy. Okay, you need to back it
up first. You know I told you-
and I don't really want to talk about it...
again. Probably take three or four hours...
you know... and... yeah,
uh, do that...
I know she does. I know...
but I'm a mom and moms worry...
...ugh, nothing. I'll see you in
a bit.
How was fashion week?
Good.
Good.
- Hiiii! Hi, Laila! Ohhhhhh.
- You're so excited to see Mommy!
Oh, ho, ho! You missed
Mommy, huh?
Oh, Caramel kisses,
gimme caramel kisses!
Oh, poor girl. I missed you too.
Ah. We went to the park and the
post office, the movies...
The movies?
It's freezing in there. Did you
put her sweater on?
Yes, but she didn't like
it so I...
Jill. She needs her
sweater.
Isn't that what her fur is for?
Uhhh, Here ya go.
You know, it feels weird taking
money for...
hanging out with my BFF,
maybe...
I could just stay for
dinner... or?
Uh...
Uh, Abby has a client dinner.
Oh. 'Kay.
I will see you tomorrow night.
Bye Littles.
Her name is Laila.
She looks more like a Littles.
How long you been driving on
that spare?
About a month. Bye!
House number two is a fixer
upper just outside the city.
Oh, that place is disgusting.
Is that mold?
It's gotta be.
They're never gonna pick house
two.
Mmm.
Terrible location.
Hey, Kat. What's up?
You guys want to grab
a bite at Julio's?
Two for one margaritas!
They don't allow dogs.
Okay. How about
Chutney Palace?
Laila doesn't like Indian.
I think we're just gonna stay
in.
Bye, bitch!
Bye, bitch!
Oh, I want that house.
You're squishing Laila.
Sorry.
Don't! She's tired.
Sorry.
Make some noise for fuck's sake!
Kent.
I love you so much.
So you're cool with
being friends?
Wh...?
Wait. You're still breaking up
with me?
Whoa. Whoa, whoa. We were
never officially together, so.
And I mean if you think
about it..
It's a good thing we didn't get
too involved you know?
Woulda been much harder.
But, you're on the lease.
I got a new lease.
biscuits. Yeah. Good Girl.
Give mama your face
and wipe your mouffy. Good girl.
What are my girls up to today?
We're hittin' the doggy park.
We're gonna see Bernie
the pug, and Oliver the Westie,
and Sage the Beagle, and their
mommies.
You two. Need to make a baby.
We're not ready for that.
Bye.
Bob wants to see you in his
office.
Mhmm
Mhmm.
I uh...
I got you something.
It's a USB coffee mug warmer.
You plug it into your USB port
and it...
Keeps it warm
Oh.
Mmmm, mmm, mmm.
Listen, Jill. Ahhh, it's been
great...
having you with us for the
last few months.
Thank you so much,
I-I really enjoy working here
everyone's just so,
so nice.
We're cutting back on our temps.
D-down-sizing, economy and all,
uh...
we're gonna have to let you
go. I'm sor-I'm so-I'm sorry.
But, this is where I work.
Well, not anymore.
They really love their dog.
- They love that dog too much.
- Jesus Christ.
Is that thing wearing a tutu?
Cute Christmas Card.
Kaaaaaat!!! What's up bitch!
What's up bitch!
I'm so glad you're here it's a
snooze fest in there.
Good thing you didn't
come to Julio's.
I'm still shit faced.
Do you have any coconut water?
Who-ooo, love the dress!
Thank you. I made it
out of a pair of Eliott's pants.
What?! If you don't create your
own clothing line...
you should be convicted of
crimes against humanity.
You guys can put your
shoes in the basket.
I know the rule, Eliott.
Wow. Rambo! What have you been
doin'?
A little yoga.
Devon, this is Abby and her
husband Eliott.
Hi. How ya doin'?
How's it goin' uh...? Where's
the bar?
Uhhhhh, yeah it's over, yeah
it's, follow me.
Oh my god, bitch.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Wh - what happened to
what's his name?
He found my driver's license.
I got this for you at Julio's.
Ew! I hate Sangria.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry I'm
late.
They had this worker
appreciation thing for me.
You know, they gave me a plaque
with my name on it!
Of course Kent wanted to take me
out to celebrate...
so I had to go. He loves me.
Laila's in the office and she
almost got stepped on.
Oh, my God. Laila. Laila!
1993's calling.
It wants it's pink dress back!
Do you wanna hold her?
No.
I-I mean, I better not.
Do you have to say no babies?
What was that?!
Oh, God. Hurry!
This is so great. You
guys gotta watch this.
- Get in the basket.
- Daddy, help.
Go on Laila get in your basket.
Good girl! Good girl! Good girl!
Everyone.
We have an announcement to make.
Some of you know already, but we
were waiting until it was
confirmed to share the news with
the rest of you.
You're pregnant!
Congrats!, That's so
exciting!
Noooo.
Eliott has been promoted to
Vice-President...
of Nerd-dom at Marina Tech in-
We're moving to San Francisco.
San Franciso!!! WhooHoooo!
Get the fuck out of here
that's great! Congratulations!
San Franciso!!! WhooHoooo!
I got fired today.
I got fired today. I can't
believe I got fired.
They kept Ephraim and he
misfiles everything.
He filed Watermaker before
Wasserstein.
He's always late to work and he
takes two hour lunch breaks and
the only reason he works
so quickly
is because he's hopped up on
meth.
They fired the girl who never
forgets a birthday.
Who works overtime for free! Who
hand painted one hundred
"I heart my co-worker" coffee
mugs for Valentines day.
And now my BFF is moving away!
It's not fair. It's not
faaaaair!
Bye, bitch.
Bye, bitch. I'm drunk.
Bye, Eliott.
Bye.
Byee. Bye pretty boy.
I can't find my other shoe.
Here, I'll help you.
It just vanished. Just Whoosh!
It's been such a hard
couple days.
I...I lost my job and I lost my
boyfriend and I got my period.
Okay. I'll make up the couch.
Come on. Oh!
Ohhh. You guys are so sweet. I'm
sorry I lost my shoe.
Thank you. I'm just gonna miss
her so much.
I know.
Would you like to keep her at
your house until Wednesday?
Yeah, it would really help us.
Uh, we're gonna be moving
and she'll be under our feet...
Are you serious?! I'd love to.
Well, did you hear that?
You're comin' to camp
Jill, Littles.
It's Laila
Mhmm.
Here's her snack bag and her wee
wee pads.
Make sure you have her blankie.
You have the 24 hour emergency
vet number, right?
Don't worry.
Everything will be fine, she'll
be safe with me.
Byeee.
Call me if you need anything!
I will!
Bye!
Bye.
Let's get this ugly sweater off
of you, huh?
Ohhhhh!
Oh my gosh, you know who's
engaged this week?
Should I get engaged?
This is called Juicy Glow.
Do you want to stay and watch TV
with me tonight, Shelby?
No.
Please Shelby?
No!
'Kay.
How much longer do you think?
Because, well, last time you...
didn't leave them in long enough
an-and it didn't really look any
different, and, oh, Kent really
loves highlights.
Five minutes for you.
Three for the dog.
Ya know, if you really want 'im
back...
you outta let me bleach your
asshole.
How'd you find me?
Your mom told me.
You know, she's really upset
we're not together anymore.
Well, I'm kind of working,
so... What do you want?
Um, well, you left this in
my fridge...
and I thought you might
miss it 'cause...
I know you love it an-and I
don't really eat it,
so...
Well, where's my hot sauce? Been
missin' that.
Why did you leave me? You never
said why.
Because you wanted me to stay.
It's 1:30. Where is she?
What's she doing out there?
Jill?
Jill, what's wrong?
Jill, please roll down
the window.
Jill, roll it down.
Where's Laila? Jill?
Jill, roll your window down!
Jill!
Open the door! Open this door
and talk to me! Jill!
Where's Laila? Where is Laila?!
Answer her! Jill!
Where-is-Laila?! Jill!
Where's Laila?! Where's Laila?!
Where is Laila?! Where's Laila?!
Where is Laila?! Where is she?!
You let me in this car now!
Where-is-she?! Open
that door! Where's Lai-Laaaa?!
Goooooooone!!!
Abby!
What we have here is a canine
emergency.
Get your flyers and
plaster the area.
Who's got West Valley bike path?
Sir. Yes, Sir!
I need your eyes and ears on me
people.
Sandwich?
What kind?
It's meat Senorita.
This is a code red.
Ooh, sandwiches.
What time were you at
the dog park?
Uh, the afternoon, between 12
and 12:42?
Can you be more specific?!
I told you already. They
took her at the dog park.
How many more times do I have
to tell you?
As many times as it takes!
She was kidnapped at Laurel
Park, Officer.
Has there been a ransom demand?
No! He wants to know what the
kidnapper looked like.
What were you doing when she was
taken?
I'm speaking. What did he look
like?
Were you drinking?!
Um-uh-He was-over 6 feet tall,
uh...
medium toned skin, 30's and uh,
he had an anchor tattoo...
on his bicep and just beady eyes
and wild hair...
an-and he was missing his left
thumb.
I was picking up her doody and I
looked away for one second.
One second!
He wants to know what she was
wearing.
Nothing. Well, it was hot so I
took off her sweater.
Why do you keep doing that? She
loves her sweater.
I am so sorry,
I will do anything.
She wasn't wearing anything,
Officer.
The babysitter said she
was more comfortable naked.
Please tell me she had her
collar on.
Well of course she had her
collar on.
Collar?!
Ma'am are we talking
about a dog, or a person?
A person! She won't even eat dog
food.
Tell me what kind of dog
that is?
Spoiled.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh.
If he wants money...
why hasn't he contacted us?
He will.
That's him! That's him.
Oh, no. Someone lost Perro
Perdido.
Ay, Dios mio.
Our dog is missing. Have you
seen her? Her name's Laila.
Laila?
Honey, Honey, no, no,
that's not Laila. No. Sorry.
Laila!!! Laila!!!
Laila! Laila! Laila!
Laila! Laila! We love you,
Laila! Laila!
Oh, my God.
Her D'Ugg
We're losing light.
Awwwww
Get it!
Hello. Yes, it is.
No... I don't want my phone line
over broadband.
Hang up!
Six months? No commitment?
I don't care! The kidnapper
might be trying to call us!
I have your dog.
Oh, Jesus.
If you want to get your dog back
do not contact the police, or
she will die.
Do not contact the FBI...
or she will die. Do not contact
Cesar Milan, or she will die.
Do not think you can outsmart
me. I have a degree.
Place thirty thousand dollars...
in unmarked bills in a duffle
bag.
The drop off will be tomorrow
night, 10 pm at the quarry.
Laila.
Do not be late, or she will die.
There's a quarry in LA?
I'm calling the police.
Are you crazy? He'll kill her.
What do we do?
If you hadn't found Jill on
Greg's list...
this never would have happened.
She babysat her for a year. It
coulda happened to anybody!
But it didn't. It happened with
her and you hired her!
You don't know how that makes me
feel.
You don't know how I feel.
What?! I'm the one in pain here.
This sucks.
I'm the one in real pain.
It places the lotion in the
basket.
No! The lotion goes
in the basket!
You spoiled, fucking Bitch.
I can't believe you
made me drive...
all the way to Silverlake to
return a shoe.
What's Jill going to do with one
shoe?
Hey there she is.
With Laila.
Abby and Eliott What the Fu...
Hey, guys!
Where is she?
Oh, my shoe!
We know you kidnapped Laila!
Owwww!! Ohhh Goddd,
owwwww!!
Where did she go?!
She locked the door!
Ohhh, no, no, no wait.
Wait, we have your money. We
have your money!
I'm gonna to kill you! Jill!!!
Oh! Watch out! Watch out! Outta
the way!
Outta the way! Laila!
Lailaaaaaaa!!!!
Here's your fucking shoe!
Oh, my God. You think you know
somebody.
You don't think she made her go
in this?
How much money?
Thirty grand.
Thirty G's? Hell no!
No money, no way, no how.
You don't negotiate with
terrorists.
Just look for clues
or something.
This is all just junk!
Ugh. Check on this. Check that
out. Put that somewhere.
I can't do anything with that!
Just fucking taxes from two
thousand an...
You guys better come
look at this.
Oh, my God.
We gotta catch that bitch and
take her down.
Where do you think she went?
No idea.
- Wait a minute. Gimme your phone.
- Gimme your phone.
I think I can track her.
How?
I'm gonna drop a pin in her ass.
We're doing the right thing,
right Littles?
I mean, you were suffocating in
those clothes and...
oh that stroller! God. You
must've felt like an idiot.
If you wanna go back, bark three
times in a row, okay?
I'm listening.
Good.
I agree with you. Whew.
Two independent girls, out on
the road...
kickin' ass and takin' names.
Whoooooohoooooo!
Get on the highway. She got to
the highway.
Tur-turn right here.
Wait, right there?
Ri... ya missed it!
I'm sorry!
Okay!
This is exciting!
I feel like we're on and episode
of Hart to Hart.
Jill, please, please,
please please, please...
she'll just turn her phone off
and we'll lose the blip.
Please just pull over somewhere
so we can-Kat!
Listen, you skinny circus freak
Don't!
Forget about the ransom.
You're not going to see one red
cent.
Turn the fuck around and give
them back their dog, or I'll-
Don't!
Just look at the map.
I can't tell which dot is ours.
Ours is the one with the arrow.
It's upside down!
Well, flip it back over.
Which dot!
It's not a dot! Why are you such
a computard?!
Littles, I love you so much...
so F-ing much, that if I ever
lost you, I would shoot myself...
n the head like this. Ruff!
Ruff! Blooood!
Blood and guts and brain
everywhere. Oh, there's that
memory. There's, there's
that time I went with Kent...
to the-to the diner and I had to
buy his food.
And there's that time that I got
made fun of in second grade.
And there's that time that my
mom said I looked like a boy.
Everywhere,
all across the windshield.
Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
Oh, my god! That's an invitation
to pedophiles.
Hey pervert, here's all the info
you need to kidnap my kids.
Now you can address them by name
when you invite them...
into your creepy van.
You can even
invite Doug the cat.
So the cat can get
fucked. In da back of da van.
Kat! Kat.
Yeah, you shouldn't say stuff like that.
What?
I know Kat said that I
wouldn't pay you anything,
but I'm willing to go halves.
That's fifteen thousand dollars!
I know you need it, so I am
willing to compromise.
What are you doing?
I told you not to call her.
Phone.
It's funny how people
always d-
It's not funny.
Stop the car. Mama needs more
vino.
Jill. Jill, listen. You can have
all the money.
Jus-just tell us where to meet
you...
and you can have all of it,
okay? I gotta go,
but please, please, please
call me back.
Signal's gone. Wonder why, Abby.
She turned her phone off! I told
you not to call her!
It's like I'm not even here
sometimes!
Jesus Christ, you know
I do know some things!
Fuck! Goddamnit!
I'm sorry! I am sorry!
What if we never find her?
I'll buy you another Yorkie!
Vino!
Here!
Put your seat belt on!
I was going to!
Oh, stop it!
What's the game plan here?
We'll keep checking the phone...
and hopefully she'll show up
again.
I'm exhausted. Nap and then
dinner?
Nap!
Okay. Us too.
Oh, my god.
It's not that bad.
Ah. Oh, my God get it off. Get
it off. Get it off!
Help! Help me!
Don't be a helpless victim.
With the Medical alert belt
clip, help is only a beep away.
Did Jill turn her phone on?
No.
I'm going to get us some water.
Grab a hard piece of
wood. Cherry-
Getting to first base in
baseball-
I got us fried chicken!
My favorite part of road trips
is being forced to eat
fat-ass food.
Too bad I couldn't find the
Creamy Cone.
Ah! Have I told you how much I
missed you?
That's so sweet.
What is that?
You smell so good.
What is that? Biscuit flour?
Okay. We already tried that at
Lilith Fair.
I'm not being sexual, it's just
that you smell really...
that my Grandma used to make for
me and I really miss her-
Okay, you're a freak.
No! No!
Who wants some
Chick-Chick-Chicken?
Is that your Mom?
I'll be in the bar.
How can this place not
have a bar?
Hey if you want to talk...
okay...
Stan and Dan Janson...
Private Investigators at your
service.
Is your spouse cheating on you?
You need Real Professionals.
Is your employee embezzling
funds?
You need Real Professionals.
Are you searching...
for a long lost parent?
You need Real Professionals.
If you answered yes-
Yes!
To any of those questions.
Then you need to call-
Us! Real Professionals!
Reeeaal Professionals.
How much longer are we
going to hang out here?
What do you mean? As long as it
takes.
The movers are coming tomorrow.
We need to figure this out, make
some calls...
start cancelling stuff,
something. She may never turn
her phone back on again. That's
totally possible, you know.
We have no leads, nothing to go
on. The ransom's...
not even an option anymore.
She's too scared to claim it.
How do you know?
You can't get inside her head
any more than I can.
What-the-what the hell am I
supposed to tell my new boss,
huh? Sorry, I can't move to San
Francisco...
cause my dog was kidnapped?
Tell him someone died.
Tell him your Mom died. I don't
care.
Laila and I would never
move without you.
I need candy.
Go get your candy.
Come on, Littles. Come on.
What's the plan?
Shhhhh!
You go that way.
- You go that way.
- I'll go this way.
Just do what I say!
I don't know what I'm supposed
to do.
Gimme that!
Oh god!
My eyes!
Oh, crap! Oh crap!
Oh, my god it burns!
Oh, my god it burns. Oh, my god!
Oh, please let them be okay.
Don't look at me like that. It
was dark.
I thought they were rapists.
Where is my purse?
Oh, I need water.
You two need Real Professionals.
Yeah, she's adorable. I'm sorry
for your loss guys.
Thank you.
Anyways, uh...
let's get the necessities out of
the way.
The fee is gonna be
$10,000 upon recovery.
No problem.
Oh, my god. Ahhh, yeah, okay.
Laila, she have any, ah, friends
that are a little more...
unsavoury, maybe someone with a
criminal...
record, a background, somethin'
like that?
Oh, we know who did it. It was
our dog sitter, Jill.
She did this.
She did?
She attacked us.
We don't feel comfortable...
approaching her ourselves
anymore...
I mean, you can see why.
She sounds terrible.
Thank you.
She told us that Laila was
kidnapped and then...
we caught her walking her
outside her apartment.
Whaaat? That's crazy.
She's-Yes!
She's a pathological liar.
And she was wasted at our going
away party.
Here's a photo of her. Don't be
fooled by that Holiday smile.
- She's pretty.
- She's really pretty.
Are you sure this is the girl?
I-I don't see how a girl
this pretty could steal a d-
Ah. Uh...
She did this.
She did this.
Yeah. I'll find her.
I promise you guys. Okay?
Why is he eating now? Shouldn't
he be catching up to her?
Ugh.
Thirty seven cents and two
ketchup packets.
That's all we have, Littles.
Wanna meet my Mom?
I guess she's busy, Littles.
Hey! Hey! The blip came back on!
Hold on. Hold on. Let me handle
this.
Okay.
Hey, Dan. Jill's GPS says she's
just west of the 95...
and it looks like there aren't
any towns around there
or anything, so I'm thinkin'
she must be at a... rest stop?
Yeah-oh great!
Perfect! Yeah, I'm just, I'm
drivin' just east of there.
Oh, you are huh?
You-you said the 95, right?
Yeah.
Okay. Not a problem.
I am on the case. Got it.
Have you forgotten what
she did to our eyes?
Why is he taking photos?
We already showed him a picture
of her.
She's going to the B room.
What is he doing in there?!
Why do you think I know what's
he's doing?!
If Laila's only hope is him...
then that pooch is Gone
Doggy Gone.
The Hell she is!
What are you guys doin' here,
huh?! You guys followin' me?!
Someone has to be a detective!
Ah-ha-ha!
I am being a detective!
I-I-took incriminating
photos and I bugged her car!
Why didn't you just grab her
while she was here?
There's proper protocol you have
to follow!
These things take time, guys!
Come on! If I just grabbed her
that's battery, okay?!
Stop following me, go back to
your motel...
and I'll call ya when I get the
dog. How 'bout that?
We'll stay at my Mom's in New
Mexico-
Yes! New Mexico! Let's do this!
And then we'll get back on our
feet and hit the road, Thelma!
Arf! Arf! Arf!
Just had a very interesting
conversation with the Harmons.
They are not happy.
Said you took all kinds of
photos of that girl,
and then let her get
away. Is that right?
t is right, but I-I was
establishing a pattern of
behavior to determine my rescue
approach.
Danny! What did I say? KISS.
K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid!
You know where she is right?
Yes. Yes. I'm tailin' her right
now. I got her in my sights.
Ah. Yeah, well, uh, then I don't
see what the problem is.
Mmmm. Get the Goddamn dog!
Hello?
Stan and Dan Janson.
Private Investigators
at your ser-
Barracks were utterly destroyed.
Most of the Military Personnel
of approximately 20 thousand...
were wiped out. The distorted
steel framework is all that...
remains of a building which
stood four...
Did Dan respond to your
text or call or anything?
Let's see, thirty seconds ago
he didn't respond...
a minute ago he didn't respond,
two minutes ago-
Okay! I get it. Don't
be a dick about it.
Sorry. I'm annoying myself.
What's this? You're a smoker
tryin' to quit, huh?
Nope. Just spearmint.
Ah. Cutesy little doll. Maybe a
little drug trafficking?
No. Just a doll. Whoa. That's
uh...
That doll's had a rough time.
Whoa. Look at you, Jill. What's
this for, huh? Stabbin'?
Doin' one of these?! Doin' one
of these to somebody?!
Heh heh.
You're goin' down, babe.
You are being tracked by a
professional. Uhh. Kay.
Puppy rescue. Children's
Hospital.
She saves whales. She saves
everyone.
Hmph.
Oh, Jill.
- Arf! Arf! Arf!
- Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
- Kat, go for a walk or something.
- You're driving us crazy.
Stop it.
I can't. Devon took my medicine.
- It's not medicine.
- It's a crutch.
If it makes me feel better, it's
medicine.
- What's up? It's okay. I'm cool.
- See I have a license.
It's my get out of jail free
card. Like if a cop came by,
you could hand it to
me and we'd be cool.
Phew...
- Oh, yes... You saved my life.
- Can I buy a little off you,
or a lot? I mean, however much
you can spare. I'm desperate,
well not desperate, okay, I'm
desperate. I-I'm travelling
with The Borings. Looking for
their kidnapped dog. The amount
of ransom they're spending on
that dog could feed a village
in Somalia. I mean, I do
love Africa though. I've been to
Okay, just, shut
up... please.
It's a hundred.
What?! That's not even an
eighth. I've got like twenty
bucks! Wait! I'll grab some cash
off The Borings. They're just a
few doors down. It'll
only take me a sec. Did I tell
you that I love your tattoo? I
almost got a tribal tattoo once
in Fiji, but Ichickened out when
I saw the size of the needle. I
mean it was this giant
porcupine quill covered
in blood. Now, this was the 80's
and AIDS was no laughing
matter. I was like, okay, stick
that in my ass HIV.
Ah! Thank you! Thank
you! Thank you!
Bitch.
SOUND
- Dan texted. Checking in.
- Capturing suspect. Have
cash ready. Please stop calling
my Dad!
Yes!
Abby and Eliott
SOUND
Shit. Oh, oh, shit, Eliott.
I'm starving. I'm gonna go
to the Creamy Cone.
Okay. I'm just gonna stay
here and do nothin'.
Okay.
Hi.
- Oh, driving on the spare.
- Do you happen to have
a spare spare? I'm
so... that's a dumb j-I don't
know wha-I could
drive you to the gas
- Oh, I don't have any money.
- I lost my purse.
Bummer. Where ya headed?
My Mom's near Santa Fe.
Actually it's your lucky day.
I'm-I'm headed to Santa Fe on
a, on a business get to-tr-trippy thing.
Business trip. It's weird,
yeah? Coincidence, right that-
that we both go to the same
place 'n stuff, Goddamnit Jill.
SOUND
Cute dog.
Thanks.
Hey, I found a D-
Take your clothes off! Now
Mother Fucker!
Take your fucking clothes off!
SOUND
Do whatever they tell you!
Okay.
Female Robber Come on!
Hurry the Fuck up!
I am! I'm taking them
off! I'm taking them off!
Hurry up!
I am! I can't go any faster!
Come on!
Everything!
They weren't
finished. Take it all off, now!
Seriously. I'm not going
anywhere in this-
Oww!!! Okay.
Hurry up!
Wallets, purses, in a pile now!
Hurry the Fuck up.
Where's the rest? Where's
the rest?
Hurry up!
Where's the rest!
I'll blow his fucking globe
to bits! I will fucking do it!
It's in the bathroom!
Go get it, baby! Go get it!
I got it! I got it.
Let's fly, baby.
Have fun with The Borings.
SOUND
Whoohoooo!!!
SOUND
SOUND
Thank you for coming to our
rescue, Dan
Oh, pfft, it's no big deal
really.
No, it is, I don't know how
much longer we would have
lasted out here, so...
thanks.
You don't have to keep
thankin' me.
Well, if you'd accept my thanks,
I'd stop thanking you.
Fair enough, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Dan and Jill
Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah,
well, I don't-
- You got me confused.
- Okay.
Holy Be-Jesus!
What?!
I have the same affirmation
note!
Oh, my gosh.
- Wow! This is unbelievable.
- Unbelievable! And to think if
my car hadn't broken down
and you hadn't stopped to
save us, well we'd never know
that there was someone else
out there on the same lonely highway
with the same motto. Wow, right?
Yeah. Yeah, wow.
There are no coincidences.
Well, that went well.
I feel like they thought we
were in some smarmy
Greek threesome.
How are we gonna pay
for the rooms?
Why did they target us? What
did we do to them?
Sometimes bad things happen
to good people.
Run.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Go! Go! Go!
So, why are you going to
your Mom's house?
Oh! Umm... it's... Christmas,
heh. Summertime Christmas!
You know we... we missed it last
year, so... so we're doing it
now. Be both... we both have
just been so busy, you know,
and... and we never miss a
holiday. We're very close.
She taught me everything I know
about sandwiches.
Yeah, Dean, I know. I know I'm
late. I know, okay, uh, what did
you say the cross streets
were again? Hold on, just,
right. Okay, okay I have to get
off the phone somebody's,
somebody's here. Okay, talk to
you later. Bye.
- What are you doing here?
- You could have called.
I tried, but you didn't pick up.
Tell your boyfriend to move the car.
I'm late for a showing.
What?!
Mom... I'm in big trouble.
Oh, Drama. Here we go. I'm
not giving you any more money.
I can't.
Please hold her for me.
Make it quick.
I need-to talk to you.
I can't hear you when you're
whining, Bunny. Spit it out!
Could you please turn off your
phone!
Ugh, believe me I'd love to, but
I'm obligated to my clients. Oh
hi, Sally. Ah, yes, I'm on the
way. Ah... the code is 8-5-6-7-9
hmm... uh... sorry can
you hold for just a moment?
Could I stay with you? Just
for a little bit?
- You always push.
- Fine. The key's in the
armadillo. I'll be back by one
and we'll sort it out.
And don't slam the door. You
have to press in the tongue
and release. No slamming!
Hey! Please stop! Stop.
- I'm sorry. It was just awkward.
- And ah... I wanted to give you
privacy. Oh! Here's your dog
back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Umm... we're running low
on fuel.
Oh, great!
What are we gonna do now?
Know what? My friend Zelda
lives nearby. Saved the day!
Have fun with The Borings.
What was that supposed to mean?
No idea.
SOUND
TEXT ON SCREEN Pops.
SOUND
SOUND
SOUND
SOUND
SOUND
TEXT ON SCREEN Pops.
Hey, Pops!
Do this. I can't do it. I had
the dog in my hands. I just
- couldn't go through with it.
- I'll find a way to get the
money, but not this way. Okay, I
got a plan. I got a plan. Stan
and Dan gotta plan. Me and you
doing it together.
The Hell we will! You get that
Goddamn dog!
I-I'm not-I'm not cut out for
this job! I'm not you!
Shit, Daniel! Danny, I need you
to listen to me very carefully.
You remember your Uncle Morty?
Well, he's not really your Uncle
and if you you don't get that
Goddamn dog in the next
twenty-four hours, you're gonna
be scraping me off the walls!
Shit! Come on! You want me to
do that?! I'm not doin' it!
There's no way! No way in Hell
I'm doin' it! Hello? You were on
mute. Okay, I'll do it, but
this-this is the last time,
alright? This is it!
That a boy.
MUSIC ominous Italian music
MUSIC scary shrill flute music
SOUND
Oh, my God. What is that?
The Heirlooms are ripe!
Ripe! Ripe!
- Ohhhhh!! Ha! Ha! Okay! Okay!
- I'm digging the whole Bacchae
of Euripides theme. Oh!
Hahaha!!! Oh, it's so good to
see you! Oh ho ho!
Oh! And so wonderful to meet
you! Oh!
Sorry!
- Mmmmm. Mmmmm.
- Mmmmm.
This is the kind of
place people get raped.
I don't care. I'm wearing a
pillowcase. I'm hungry and
I'm tired and I need to get
high.
I am not stayin' here.
Come inside! I've got
some clothes that might work.
SOUND
SOUND
Laila.
What's that.
Oh!
SOUND
Waited all day for you/Hope
you're having fun/
I'm at Bar None/Jill
Alright.
Oh, my God. When I see her,
I'm going to give her so many
caramel kisses.
Oops.
Now, Where were we?
They were talking about
their dog.
So, how did you two come
together?
I asked her out after yoga class
and she told me she was a lesbian.
I had to. It's like,
all the other guys I went out
None of them were
right! Especially Robert. Pfft.
What did you tell her about
Robert?
Nothing. She's in tune.
SOUND
Yeah, right.
You have a really nice place.
I have to get real here. I'm
vibing in some very dangerous
fear between you two and it's
poison. It's toxic! I'm sorry
but that's it. No more
bullshit stories. Yoga didn't
bring you together.
That's how we met.
No! What brought you
together really?!
I don't know what?
Oh ho ho! Have you thought about
why you're crossing your arms? Hmm?
Because it's comfortable?
Because it's freezing in here?
Because you're closing yourself
off. Because you're afraid!
Afraid of what?
You tell me.
No, you tell me.
Is "no" your favorite word?
No.
Don't.
Let these-
Stop it.
Go.
No.
Push the reset button!
No.
Is it so hard to say yes?
- I'll never understand that.
- It's so easy. Yes!
No.
Yes!!
No!
Yeeeeeeeeeees!
No! Okay! Yes! Yes! Mother
fucking yes! Are you all happy?
Is this happiness?
You're together because your
souls are working to rectify an
imbalance.
She knows the Dalai Lama.
MUSIC country bar music
SOUND
Highway Hero! Well the
universe never stops, does she?
Look at that smile! It lights
up the room!
Look...
Mhmm?
I know who you are.
Well, I know who you are Highway 10.
Barkeep, two more pretty, please.
Actually, ah... I guess ah... one
won't hurt. Pixies.
SOUND
Mhmm.
The Beatles, Stones, Petty
Uh, Black Eyed Keys of course.
Ween. Dave Brubeck. A. A. Bondy-
I love A. A. Bondy! I didn't
think anyone knew about him!
No!
Okay. How about
Herb Alpert and
the Tijuana Brass?
Ah. Hell's yeah, like I cook to
that!
No, I-I love Pops and all ya
know, but like there's no room
for my input in his vision of
us. You know, like he's
always talking over me and
he's like, he's beating me
down until I'm like i-it's just
too exhausting to fight back.
Ugh. Ya know, I wish my Mom
would take the time to talk to
me. It'd be easier to pin
down a hummingbird.
She like never, like, told
anyone we were dating.
Out every night. Like, we hung
out every night.
You know, Kent didn't like
to cuddle. He couldn't
stand being touched unless
he instigated it.
Ugh.
All I wanted was for him
to commit.
Kent is a, he's an ass clown.
Your ex-boyfriend is an ass clown.
He is.
You know, the old me would
be begging for your phone
number, planning our wedding,
and naming our children.
323-638-9676, December
07, Bing, Chad, and Everly.
So... what are you doing in
Santa Fe anyway? Is this
your business drinking in Townie
bars, or are you a professor on
sabbatical looking to get
his rocks off, or a Mormon
on a mission? Kiss me on
my mouth hole.
I'm on a case. I'm a P.I.
Come here Mr. P.I.
Dang!
You're so weird. Ya know that?
I gotta be honest with you.
Mhmm.
I've been following you.
Mmm. You're so bad,
you dirty P.I.
No, no. I really am a Private
Investigator.
I've been following you since
the rest stop near the 95.
The Harmons hired me to recover
Laila and then have you arrested.
Wait, you're here to arrest me!?
Yeah. No, I mean I was, but
J-Jill look I'm on your side
right now. I-I can make this
go easy!
SOUND
Come on! Don't leave! Jill,
don't go!
SOUND
Jill, I have no way of getting
out of here!
This is where I will die!
SOUND
Hey.
SOUND
Um. No, come on.
SOUND
SOUND
Ahhhhh.
Oh, man. I-I gotta go to
bed.
- Finish your glass with me.
- Come on.
No-no. I'm wasted. I
really need to go to bed!
Like an hour ago...
- Come on. I just wanna talk.
- You're so fun to talk to.
SOUND
Oh, God.
Abby!
I'm so sorry.
I-I didn't kiss her.
I-
I'm sorry. Oh, God.
I kissed him. He didn't
do anything.
Abby; How long has this been going on?
Wait a minute when-
when I-when the robbers came in
and you two were in your
underwear were you-were
y-were you?
No! No! No way! No. No.
I did-I didn't do shit!
They were just some hoodlums
I bought weed from.
What?!
I knew you did that!
I'm sorry, I fucked up I didn't
know they were-
- Wait a minute.
- Wait, wait. You're sorry that
you got us robbed, or
you're sorry that you
kissed my husband. It's not
enough that your life has
gone to shit,
you have to ruin mine?
You don't need me to fuck
up your life!
Who goes on a cross country
crusade to find a dog?!!!
Yeah, I said it. A dog! You
could have a real baby, but
noooo, it's easier
to treat your dog like a baby!
- Hmm-mm, hmm-mm.
- Laila is our baby.
- A human baby! It's embarrassing!
- People make fun of
you when you push her around in
that stroller!
No they don't!
You put little bonnets on her!
I don't put bonnets on her.
- If you want a baby.
- Have a baby.
I don't want a baby.
Wait. You don't want a baby?
Why the Hell not?
None of your business!
I thought we were waiting until
we're financially ready to like-
It's not about the
money. I work seventy hours
a week. I don't have time. I
travel. I'm bi-coastal.
I'm in Europe half the year.
Then quit your job
and start your clothing line!
What's the problem?
Yeah, I mean you
could work from home and
we can like pool our resources
together-
You're folding your arms again!
So, you are closed off!
Abby, open up!
Wh-why, tell us why, you don't
want a baby? I want to know!
Why don't you want a baby?!!!
Okay! Okay! Okay! I am...
afraid of babies.
Really?
Yes.
What?
I...have never actually held
one. I've had the opportunity,
but I'm afraid that I will drop
them because they are soft
and delicate and they are like
little birds with no feathers.
Are you serious right now?
I'm totally serious. It is not
hard to accidentally kill a
baby. People do it all the time.
It's always on the news. They
have tiny breathing holes and
their heads are mushy. What
if you think that they're crying
and they're actually bleeding
internally? I don't want that
kind of pressure. I don't want
to be a bad parent.
- That's so fucking stupid.
- That came out wrong.
t's just... I want someone to
make a family with.
Well, then stop dating boy
scouts and date someone with
some faults like the rest of us.
You deserve Taylor Lautner and,
and the rest
of us get Jason Alexander?
Thanks.
Grow up, Kat. You're 42.
I am?
Abby?
SOUND
It's gonna be really hard for
me to trust you for a while.
I know.
But you're my best friend
and I love you. I do!
I love you too.
And I want to believe. I do, I
believe that you were
fucked up and lonely and
desperate and really creepy!
Thank you!
Don't! Don't push it.
'kay.
But mostly you've been a really
good friend to me. And I want
you to know that I did hear
you, and... I will consider
giving up the stroller and
possibly the baby Bjorn.
And I'll cut back on the wine
except on the weekend, and
Holidays and special occasions,
but otherwise it's like, none!
You know?
Okay.
I..I-I'm still gonna wipe
Laila's ass with baby wipes
because to me that's just hygienic
and she sleeps in the bed.
Agreed.
And we're not boring.
I know you're not.
Not all the time.
SOUND
Hey.
Hi.
Can I come in?
You want a Bloody Mary?
SOUND
I don't want to lose you over
this stupid job.
t's... I'll support you in any
decision you plan on making,
okay? Cause I know you'll
make the right one.
Cause you're a good person.
The right decision is to give
the dog back.
I know. I really want to...
SOUND
Hair of the dog.
Mmm!
PHONE RINGS
It's Dan!
- I wanna make a deal.
- Jill is willing to give Laila
back, but no jail time.
A-And the ransom, the
ransom was just a ruse.
And, she's super sorry.
Whose side are you on?
Ah, I-I'm on the side of
everybody wins here.
Are you fucking her?
Ah. Ah, no, let, let's, let's
just say things have changed,
alright?
He's fucking her.
Okay, that's the deal you got
it? And I want ten grand
an-and-and that's a fee, that is
not a ransom. I want to make
that perfectly clear! Alright. I
wanna rendevous at 5pm
Occupado and 110th.
Say twenty paces in.
Just say it. Just say it.
Say it.
And I want it. I want it to
be twenty paces in.
You know what? The desert
is almost as original
as the quarry, and I can hear
you breathing Jill.
- It's remote, and no cops!
- There's any cops and we're out!
That's it!
Whirrr!
That's us drivin' away like
bats outta Hell!
Okay. Thank you so much!
She's like a giant squid.
Thank you! Ahhh! Okay. Bye!
What if we don't move to
San Francisco?
Really?
Yeah, I can work from home. You
could start your line, and we
would have more time together
and we could work on-
Yes.
Yes?
Mhmm.
Unity Consciousness!
SOUND
Hello?
MUSIC Sappy Instrumental
BFFFFFFFFF song
Just because we have to say
goodbye doesn't mean that
I don't love you, but I know
that they do too.
I'll always hold you here in...
my heart.
Somebody hates you.
Clearly. You owe me for
the door.
Go ahead. What are you waiting
for? Shoot!
I'm afraid of you.
Come on!
I'm afraid you'll be defensive.
What'd I do?!
You worked too much. I was
a little kid and you left
me alone all the time. I mean,
I-I know I was mature for my
age, but I was
only 10! I felt abandoned.
I never abandoned you! I had to
work! Oh! You are so
ungrateful! What was I supposed
to do, huh? I was a single
parent. I worked 60 hours a
week, taught jazz, tap, ballet
on the weekends... tell me how
you'd do it smarty?!
I don't know! I just missed you!
SOUND
SOUND
Ring it again!
SOUND
SOUND ominous Italian music
What is going on?! I can't
see anything!
Jill Tozer!
That's my Dad. He was in the
driveway when I got here.
Alright.
Ow!
What?!
I said I had this under control.
- Danny! Danny!
- I know you can hear me!
No! No! No! No! I am not
harbouring criminals!
Get out of my house! Get!
Out the back! Go!
What?!
Goddamn it, Danny!
I'm goin' in.
Just let the experts
handle this.
What makes you think
they can handle it?
MUSIC ominous Italian music
Uncle Morty?
Hey, Danny.
Hey, I told you son,
Morty doesn't operate well on
extended deadlines. He started
to doubt that I got the
money coming to me.
Oh, come on, Uncle Morty.
Don't mess with Morty! I know
he's like an Uncle to you, but
make no mistake he'll cut your
balls off!
Ah, I see the money's here. Get
over here with the rest of them.
It's-it's okay he's with me,
just do what he says.
Give me back my dog!
That's your dog? I don't blame
you for being upset. Somebody
took my dog, I'd put a fucking
hole in their head.
You give the dog back. You hand
over the money, and you
open the bag.
- Well, thank you for everything.
- Nice to meet you. Thank you.
What's the rush?
Oh, my God.
What's this? What is this?!
It's a tomato.
It's a-an heirloom tomato.
This some kind of fuckin' joke?
We got robbed.
What?!
SOUND
Keep me in the game coach!
Go! Get out of here!
Thank you! Thank you!
This way!
SOUND
You like tuna?
I'll make you a sandwich. I got
fresh cucumbers.
I got romaine from the garden. I
got fresh avo, yeah, I've got
some mustard that I just bought
at the farmer's market and
some hot, delicious, crusty
baguettes.
SOUND
What about pudding? You got any
pudding?
- I don't have any pudding.
- I don't know what
happened to it.
SOUND
Whoa! Yeah! Bite.
SOUND
SOUND
I'll get it.
Okay.
C'mon, c'mon.
Oh, thank you.
Who is it?
Mormons.
- That's right, come here!
- Come here! Let go of that.
Grrr! Grrrr! Grrrr!
SOUND
MUSIC lullaby plays
MUSIC lullaby plays
- Hello little baby. Sh! Sh!
- Sh! Sh! Sh! Sh!
SOUND
SOUND
Eliott!
Barks
Hi. Did you miss me?
No. Not at all.
I'll take that as a compliment.
It's okay. You won't lose any
data.
It's on somebody's cloud.
Oh my god.
Ah, control click the package.
The collections were tragic.
We can only hope our customers
are as color-blind as
our designers.
It's hidden in the installer.
Hold on. That's my sitter, Jill.
Ya.
Hi Jill! How's Laila?
She didn't bite anyone did she?
Uh-uh-hold on, this is
my-my-assistant.
Oh my God yeah.
The models were fat.
They said they were healthy, but
they were fat.
Uh... you control click it.
It's the key that says CTRL.
It's on the-
Oh my God! That is
disgusting!
A package is actually a folder.
Yeah, they do that to
make it simple...
but it's always hard to explain
it.
Oh my God. That is so cute. I
can't stand it.
- Wait a minute. Oh no.
- Are you brushing your teeth!?
Do not say that again!
Hold on Luis, that's my sitter
again. Hey, Jill what's up?
Well, the
installer image is inside.
About 8 giga-
- Okay. I can hear you.
- Sorry.
Hi.
Wait, wait, wait. It's not on
the cloud?
Oh boy. Okay, you need to back it
up first. You know I told you-
and I don't really want to talk about it...
again. Probably take three or four hours...
you know... and... yeah,
uh, do that...
I know she does. I know...
but I'm a mom and moms worry...
...ugh, nothing. I'll see you in
a bit.
How was fashion week?
Good.
Good.
- Hiiii! Hi, Laila! Ohhhhhh.
- You're so excited to see Mommy!
Oh, ho, ho! You missed
Mommy, huh?
Oh, Caramel kisses,
gimme caramel kisses!
Oh, poor girl. I missed you too.
Ah. We went to the park and the
post office, the movies...
The movies?
It's freezing in there. Did you
put her sweater on?
Yes, but she didn't like
it so I...
Jill. She needs her
sweater.
Isn't that what her fur is for?
Uhhh, Here ya go.
You know, it feels weird taking
money for...
hanging out with my BFF,
maybe...
I could just stay for
dinner... or?
Uh...
Uh, Abby has a client dinner.
Oh. 'Kay.
I will see you tomorrow night.
Bye Littles.
Her name is Laila.
She looks more like a Littles.
How long you been driving on
that spare?
About a month. Bye!
House number two is a fixer
upper just outside the city.
Oh, that place is disgusting.
Is that mold?
It's gotta be.
They're never gonna pick house
two.
Mmm.
Terrible location.
Hey, Kat. What's up?
You guys want to grab
a bite at Julio's?
Two for one margaritas!
They don't allow dogs.
Okay. How about
Chutney Palace?
Laila doesn't like Indian.
I think we're just gonna stay
in.
Bye, bitch!
Bye, bitch!
Oh, I want that house.
You're squishing Laila.
Sorry.
Don't! She's tired.
Sorry.
Make some noise for fuck's sake!
Kent.
I love you so much.
So you're cool with
being friends?
Wh...?
Wait. You're still breaking up
with me?
Whoa. Whoa, whoa. We were
never officially together, so.
And I mean if you think
about it..
It's a good thing we didn't get
too involved you know?
Woulda been much harder.
But, you're on the lease.
I got a new lease.
biscuits. Yeah. Good Girl.
Give mama your face
and wipe your mouffy. Good girl.
What are my girls up to today?
We're hittin' the doggy park.
We're gonna see Bernie
the pug, and Oliver the Westie,
and Sage the Beagle, and their
mommies.
You two. Need to make a baby.
We're not ready for that.
Bye.
Bob wants to see you in his
office.
Mhmm
Mhmm.
I uh...
I got you something.
It's a USB coffee mug warmer.
You plug it into your USB port
and it...
Keeps it warm
Oh.
Mmmm, mmm, mmm.
Listen, Jill. Ahhh, it's been
great...
having you with us for the
last few months.
Thank you so much,
I-I really enjoy working here
everyone's just so,
so nice.
We're cutting back on our temps.
D-down-sizing, economy and all,
uh...
we're gonna have to let you
go. I'm sor-I'm so-I'm sorry.
But, this is where I work.
Well, not anymore.
They really love their dog.
- They love that dog too much.
- Jesus Christ.
Is that thing wearing a tutu?
Cute Christmas Card.
Kaaaaaat!!! What's up bitch!
What's up bitch!
I'm so glad you're here it's a
snooze fest in there.
Good thing you didn't
come to Julio's.
I'm still shit faced.
Do you have any coconut water?
Who-ooo, love the dress!
Thank you. I made it
out of a pair of Eliott's pants.
What?! If you don't create your
own clothing line...
you should be convicted of
crimes against humanity.
You guys can put your
shoes in the basket.
I know the rule, Eliott.
Wow. Rambo! What have you been
doin'?
A little yoga.
Devon, this is Abby and her
husband Eliott.
Hi. How ya doin'?
How's it goin' uh...? Where's
the bar?
Uhhhhh, yeah it's over, yeah
it's, follow me.
Oh my god, bitch.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Wh - what happened to
what's his name?
He found my driver's license.
I got this for you at Julio's.
Ew! I hate Sangria.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry I'm
late.
They had this worker
appreciation thing for me.
You know, they gave me a plaque
with my name on it!
Of course Kent wanted to take me
out to celebrate...
so I had to go. He loves me.
Laila's in the office and she
almost got stepped on.
Oh, my God. Laila. Laila!
1993's calling.
It wants it's pink dress back!
Do you wanna hold her?
No.
I-I mean, I better not.
Do you have to say no babies?
What was that?!
Oh, God. Hurry!
This is so great. You
guys gotta watch this.
- Get in the basket.
- Daddy, help.
Go on Laila get in your basket.
Good girl! Good girl! Good girl!
Everyone.
We have an announcement to make.
Some of you know already, but we
were waiting until it was
confirmed to share the news with
the rest of you.
You're pregnant!
Congrats!, That's so
exciting!
Noooo.
Eliott has been promoted to
Vice-President...
of Nerd-dom at Marina Tech in-
We're moving to San Francisco.
San Franciso!!! WhooHoooo!
Get the fuck out of here
that's great! Congratulations!
San Franciso!!! WhooHoooo!
I got fired today.
I got fired today. I can't
believe I got fired.
They kept Ephraim and he
misfiles everything.
He filed Watermaker before
Wasserstein.
He's always late to work and he
takes two hour lunch breaks and
the only reason he works
so quickly
is because he's hopped up on
meth.
They fired the girl who never
forgets a birthday.
Who works overtime for free! Who
hand painted one hundred
"I heart my co-worker" coffee
mugs for Valentines day.
And now my BFF is moving away!
It's not fair. It's not
faaaaair!
Bye, bitch.
Bye, bitch. I'm drunk.
Bye, Eliott.
Bye.
Byee. Bye pretty boy.
I can't find my other shoe.
Here, I'll help you.
It just vanished. Just Whoosh!
It's been such a hard
couple days.
I...I lost my job and I lost my
boyfriend and I got my period.
Okay. I'll make up the couch.
Come on. Oh!
Ohhh. You guys are so sweet. I'm
sorry I lost my shoe.
Thank you. I'm just gonna miss
her so much.
I know.
Would you like to keep her at
your house until Wednesday?
Yeah, it would really help us.
Uh, we're gonna be moving
and she'll be under our feet...
Are you serious?! I'd love to.
Well, did you hear that?
You're comin' to camp
Jill, Littles.
It's Laila
Mhmm.
Here's her snack bag and her wee
wee pads.
Make sure you have her blankie.
You have the 24 hour emergency
vet number, right?
Don't worry.
Everything will be fine, she'll
be safe with me.
Byeee.
Call me if you need anything!
I will!
Bye!
Bye.
Let's get this ugly sweater off
of you, huh?
Ohhhhh!
Oh my gosh, you know who's
engaged this week?
Should I get engaged?
This is called Juicy Glow.
Do you want to stay and watch TV
with me tonight, Shelby?
No.
Please Shelby?
No!
'Kay.
How much longer do you think?
Because, well, last time you...
didn't leave them in long enough
an-and it didn't really look any
different, and, oh, Kent really
loves highlights.
Five minutes for you.
Three for the dog.
Ya know, if you really want 'im
back...
you outta let me bleach your
asshole.
How'd you find me?
Your mom told me.
You know, she's really upset
we're not together anymore.
Well, I'm kind of working,
so... What do you want?
Um, well, you left this in
my fridge...
and I thought you might
miss it 'cause...
I know you love it an-and I
don't really eat it,
so...
Well, where's my hot sauce? Been
missin' that.
Why did you leave me? You never
said why.
Because you wanted me to stay.
It's 1:30. Where is she?
What's she doing out there?
Jill?
Jill, what's wrong?
Jill, please roll down
the window.
Jill, roll it down.
Where's Laila? Jill?
Jill, roll your window down!
Jill!
Open the door! Open this door
and talk to me! Jill!
Where's Laila? Where is Laila?!
Answer her! Jill!
Where-is-Laila?! Jill!
Where's Laila?! Where's Laila?!
Where is Laila?! Where's Laila?!
Where is Laila?! Where is she?!
You let me in this car now!
Where-is-she?! Open
that door! Where's Lai-Laaaa?!
Goooooooone!!!
Abby!
What we have here is a canine
emergency.
Get your flyers and
plaster the area.
Who's got West Valley bike path?
Sir. Yes, Sir!
I need your eyes and ears on me
people.
Sandwich?
What kind?
It's meat Senorita.
This is a code red.
Ooh, sandwiches.
What time were you at
the dog park?
Uh, the afternoon, between 12
and 12:42?
Can you be more specific?!
I told you already. They
took her at the dog park.
How many more times do I have
to tell you?
As many times as it takes!
She was kidnapped at Laurel
Park, Officer.
Has there been a ransom demand?
No! He wants to know what the
kidnapper looked like.
What were you doing when she was
taken?
I'm speaking. What did he look
like?
Were you drinking?!
Um-uh-He was-over 6 feet tall,
uh...
medium toned skin, 30's and uh,
he had an anchor tattoo...
on his bicep and just beady eyes
and wild hair...
an-and he was missing his left
thumb.
I was picking up her doody and I
looked away for one second.
One second!
He wants to know what she was
wearing.
Nothing. Well, it was hot so I
took off her sweater.
Why do you keep doing that? She
loves her sweater.
I am so sorry,
I will do anything.
She wasn't wearing anything,
Officer.
The babysitter said she
was more comfortable naked.
Please tell me she had her
collar on.
Well of course she had her
collar on.
Collar?!
Ma'am are we talking
about a dog, or a person?
A person! She won't even eat dog
food.
Tell me what kind of dog
that is?
Spoiled.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh.
If he wants money...
why hasn't he contacted us?
He will.
That's him! That's him.
Oh, no. Someone lost Perro
Perdido.
Ay, Dios mio.
Our dog is missing. Have you
seen her? Her name's Laila.
Laila?
Honey, Honey, no, no,
that's not Laila. No. Sorry.
Laila!!! Laila!!!
Laila! Laila! Laila!
Laila! Laila! We love you,
Laila! Laila!
Oh, my God.
Her D'Ugg
We're losing light.
Awwwww
Get it!
Hello. Yes, it is.
No... I don't want my phone line
over broadband.
Hang up!
Six months? No commitment?
I don't care! The kidnapper
might be trying to call us!
I have your dog.
Oh, Jesus.
If you want to get your dog back
do not contact the police, or
she will die.
Do not contact the FBI...
or she will die. Do not contact
Cesar Milan, or she will die.
Do not think you can outsmart
me. I have a degree.
Place thirty thousand dollars...
in unmarked bills in a duffle
bag.
The drop off will be tomorrow
night, 10 pm at the quarry.
Laila.
Do not be late, or she will die.
There's a quarry in LA?
I'm calling the police.
Are you crazy? He'll kill her.
What do we do?
If you hadn't found Jill on
Greg's list...
this never would have happened.
She babysat her for a year. It
coulda happened to anybody!
But it didn't. It happened with
her and you hired her!
You don't know how that makes me
feel.
You don't know how I feel.
What?! I'm the one in pain here.
This sucks.
I'm the one in real pain.
It places the lotion in the
basket.
No! The lotion goes
in the basket!
You spoiled, fucking Bitch.
I can't believe you
made me drive...
all the way to Silverlake to
return a shoe.
What's Jill going to do with one
shoe?
Hey there she is.
With Laila.
Abby and Eliott What the Fu...
Hey, guys!
Where is she?
Oh, my shoe!
We know you kidnapped Laila!
Owwww!! Ohhh Goddd,
owwwww!!
Where did she go?!
She locked the door!
Ohhh, no, no, no wait.
Wait, we have your money. We
have your money!
I'm gonna to kill you! Jill!!!
Oh! Watch out! Watch out! Outta
the way!
Outta the way! Laila!
Lailaaaaaaa!!!!
Here's your fucking shoe!
Oh, my God. You think you know
somebody.
You don't think she made her go
in this?
How much money?
Thirty grand.
Thirty G's? Hell no!
No money, no way, no how.
You don't negotiate with
terrorists.
Just look for clues
or something.
This is all just junk!
Ugh. Check on this. Check that
out. Put that somewhere.
I can't do anything with that!
Just fucking taxes from two
thousand an...
You guys better come
look at this.
Oh, my God.
We gotta catch that bitch and
take her down.
Where do you think she went?
No idea.
- Wait a minute. Gimme your phone.
- Gimme your phone.
I think I can track her.
How?
I'm gonna drop a pin in her ass.
We're doing the right thing,
right Littles?
I mean, you were suffocating in
those clothes and...
oh that stroller! God. You
must've felt like an idiot.
If you wanna go back, bark three
times in a row, okay?
I'm listening.
Good.
I agree with you. Whew.
Two independent girls, out on
the road...
kickin' ass and takin' names.
Whoooooohoooooo!
Get on the highway. She got to
the highway.
Tur-turn right here.
Wait, right there?
Ri... ya missed it!
I'm sorry!
Okay!
This is exciting!
I feel like we're on and episode
of Hart to Hart.
Jill, please, please,
please please, please...
she'll just turn her phone off
and we'll lose the blip.
Please just pull over somewhere
so we can-Kat!
Listen, you skinny circus freak
Don't!
Forget about the ransom.
You're not going to see one red
cent.
Turn the fuck around and give
them back their dog, or I'll-
Don't!
Just look at the map.
I can't tell which dot is ours.
Ours is the one with the arrow.
It's upside down!
Well, flip it back over.
Which dot!
It's not a dot! Why are you such
a computard?!
Littles, I love you so much...
so F-ing much, that if I ever
lost you, I would shoot myself...
n the head like this. Ruff!
Ruff! Blooood!
Blood and guts and brain
everywhere. Oh, there's that
memory. There's, there's
that time I went with Kent...
to the-to the diner and I had to
buy his food.
And there's that time that I got
made fun of in second grade.
And there's that time that my
mom said I looked like a boy.
Everywhere,
all across the windshield.
Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
Oh, my god! That's an invitation
to pedophiles.
Hey pervert, here's all the info
you need to kidnap my kids.
Now you can address them by name
when you invite them...
into your creepy van.
You can even
invite Doug the cat.
So the cat can get
fucked. In da back of da van.
Kat! Kat.
Yeah, you shouldn't say stuff like that.
What?
I know Kat said that I
wouldn't pay you anything,
but I'm willing to go halves.
That's fifteen thousand dollars!
I know you need it, so I am
willing to compromise.
What are you doing?
I told you not to call her.
Phone.
It's funny how people
always d-
It's not funny.
Stop the car. Mama needs more
vino.
Jill. Jill, listen. You can have
all the money.
Jus-just tell us where to meet
you...
and you can have all of it,
okay? I gotta go,
but please, please, please
call me back.
Signal's gone. Wonder why, Abby.
She turned her phone off! I told
you not to call her!
It's like I'm not even here
sometimes!
Jesus Christ, you know
I do know some things!
Fuck! Goddamnit!
I'm sorry! I am sorry!
What if we never find her?
I'll buy you another Yorkie!
Vino!
Here!
Put your seat belt on!
I was going to!
Oh, stop it!
What's the game plan here?
We'll keep checking the phone...
and hopefully she'll show up
again.
I'm exhausted. Nap and then
dinner?
Nap!
Okay. Us too.
Oh, my god.
It's not that bad.
Ah. Oh, my God get it off. Get
it off. Get it off!
Help! Help me!
Don't be a helpless victim.
With the Medical alert belt
clip, help is only a beep away.
Did Jill turn her phone on?
No.
I'm going to get us some water.
Grab a hard piece of
wood. Cherry-
Getting to first base in
baseball-
I got us fried chicken!
My favorite part of road trips
is being forced to eat
fat-ass food.
Too bad I couldn't find the
Creamy Cone.
Ah! Have I told you how much I
missed you?
That's so sweet.
What is that?
You smell so good.
What is that? Biscuit flour?
Okay. We already tried that at
Lilith Fair.
I'm not being sexual, it's just
that you smell really...
that my Grandma used to make for
me and I really miss her-
Okay, you're a freak.
No! No!
Who wants some
Chick-Chick-Chicken?
Is that your Mom?
I'll be in the bar.
How can this place not
have a bar?
Hey if you want to talk...
okay...
Stan and Dan Janson...
Private Investigators at your
service.
Is your spouse cheating on you?
You need Real Professionals.
Is your employee embezzling
funds?
You need Real Professionals.
Are you searching...
for a long lost parent?
You need Real Professionals.
If you answered yes-
Yes!
To any of those questions.
Then you need to call-
Us! Real Professionals!
Reeeaal Professionals.
How much longer are we
going to hang out here?
What do you mean? As long as it
takes.
The movers are coming tomorrow.
We need to figure this out, make
some calls...
start cancelling stuff,
something. She may never turn
her phone back on again. That's
totally possible, you know.
We have no leads, nothing to go
on. The ransom's...
not even an option anymore.
She's too scared to claim it.
How do you know?
You can't get inside her head
any more than I can.
What-the-what the hell am I
supposed to tell my new boss,
huh? Sorry, I can't move to San
Francisco...
cause my dog was kidnapped?
Tell him someone died.
Tell him your Mom died. I don't
care.
Laila and I would never
move without you.
I need candy.
Go get your candy.
Come on, Littles. Come on.
What's the plan?
Shhhhh!
You go that way.
- You go that way.
- I'll go this way.
Just do what I say!
I don't know what I'm supposed
to do.
Gimme that!
Oh god!
My eyes!
Oh, crap! Oh crap!
Oh, my god it burns!
Oh, my god it burns. Oh, my god!
Oh, please let them be okay.
Don't look at me like that. It
was dark.
I thought they were rapists.
Where is my purse?
Oh, I need water.
You two need Real Professionals.
Yeah, she's adorable. I'm sorry
for your loss guys.
Thank you.
Anyways, uh...
let's get the necessities out of
the way.
The fee is gonna be
$10,000 upon recovery.
No problem.
Oh, my god. Ahhh, yeah, okay.
Laila, she have any, ah, friends
that are a little more...
unsavoury, maybe someone with a
criminal...
record, a background, somethin'
like that?
Oh, we know who did it. It was
our dog sitter, Jill.
She did this.
She did?
She attacked us.
We don't feel comfortable...
approaching her ourselves
anymore...
I mean, you can see why.
She sounds terrible.
Thank you.
She told us that Laila was
kidnapped and then...
we caught her walking her
outside her apartment.
Whaaat? That's crazy.
She's-Yes!
She's a pathological liar.
And she was wasted at our going
away party.
Here's a photo of her. Don't be
fooled by that Holiday smile.
- She's pretty.
- She's really pretty.
Are you sure this is the girl?
I-I don't see how a girl
this pretty could steal a d-
Ah. Uh...
She did this.
She did this.
Yeah. I'll find her.
I promise you guys. Okay?
Why is he eating now? Shouldn't
he be catching up to her?
Ugh.
Thirty seven cents and two
ketchup packets.
That's all we have, Littles.
Wanna meet my Mom?
I guess she's busy, Littles.
Hey! Hey! The blip came back on!
Hold on. Hold on. Let me handle
this.
Okay.
Hey, Dan. Jill's GPS says she's
just west of the 95...
and it looks like there aren't
any towns around there
or anything, so I'm thinkin'
she must be at a... rest stop?
Yeah-oh great!
Perfect! Yeah, I'm just, I'm
drivin' just east of there.
Oh, you are huh?
You-you said the 95, right?
Yeah.
Okay. Not a problem.
I am on the case. Got it.
Have you forgotten what
she did to our eyes?
Why is he taking photos?
We already showed him a picture
of her.
She's going to the B room.
What is he doing in there?!
Why do you think I know what's
he's doing?!
If Laila's only hope is him...
then that pooch is Gone
Doggy Gone.
The Hell she is!
What are you guys doin' here,
huh?! You guys followin' me?!
Someone has to be a detective!
Ah-ha-ha!
I am being a detective!
I-I-took incriminating
photos and I bugged her car!
Why didn't you just grab her
while she was here?
There's proper protocol you have
to follow!
These things take time, guys!
Come on! If I just grabbed her
that's battery, okay?!
Stop following me, go back to
your motel...
and I'll call ya when I get the
dog. How 'bout that?
We'll stay at my Mom's in New
Mexico-
Yes! New Mexico! Let's do this!
And then we'll get back on our
feet and hit the road, Thelma!
Arf! Arf! Arf!
Just had a very interesting
conversation with the Harmons.
They are not happy.
Said you took all kinds of
photos of that girl,
and then let her get
away. Is that right?
t is right, but I-I was
establishing a pattern of
behavior to determine my rescue
approach.
Danny! What did I say? KISS.
K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid!
You know where she is right?
Yes. Yes. I'm tailin' her right
now. I got her in my sights.
Ah. Yeah, well, uh, then I don't
see what the problem is.
Mmmm. Get the Goddamn dog!
Hello?
Stan and Dan Janson.
Private Investigators
at your ser-
Barracks were utterly destroyed.
Most of the Military Personnel
of approximately 20 thousand...
were wiped out. The distorted
steel framework is all that...
remains of a building which
stood four...
Did Dan respond to your
text or call or anything?
Let's see, thirty seconds ago
he didn't respond...
a minute ago he didn't respond,
two minutes ago-
Okay! I get it. Don't
be a dick about it.
Sorry. I'm annoying myself.
What's this? You're a smoker
tryin' to quit, huh?
Nope. Just spearmint.
Ah. Cutesy little doll. Maybe a
little drug trafficking?
No. Just a doll. Whoa. That's
uh...
That doll's had a rough time.
Whoa. Look at you, Jill. What's
this for, huh? Stabbin'?
Doin' one of these?! Doin' one
of these to somebody?!
Heh heh.
You're goin' down, babe.
You are being tracked by a
professional. Uhh. Kay.
Puppy rescue. Children's
Hospital.
She saves whales. She saves
everyone.
Hmph.
Oh, Jill.
- Arf! Arf! Arf!
- Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
- Kat, go for a walk or something.
- You're driving us crazy.
Stop it.
I can't. Devon took my medicine.
- It's not medicine.
- It's a crutch.
If it makes me feel better, it's
medicine.
- What's up? It's okay. I'm cool.
- See I have a license.
It's my get out of jail free
card. Like if a cop came by,
you could hand it to
me and we'd be cool.
Phew...
- Oh, yes... You saved my life.
- Can I buy a little off you,
or a lot? I mean, however much
you can spare. I'm desperate,
well not desperate, okay, I'm
desperate. I-I'm travelling
with The Borings. Looking for
their kidnapped dog. The amount
of ransom they're spending on
that dog could feed a village
in Somalia. I mean, I do
love Africa though. I've been to
Okay, just, shut
up... please.
It's a hundred.
What?! That's not even an
eighth. I've got like twenty
bucks! Wait! I'll grab some cash
off The Borings. They're just a
few doors down. It'll
only take me a sec. Did I tell
you that I love your tattoo? I
almost got a tribal tattoo once
in Fiji, but Ichickened out when
I saw the size of the needle. I
mean it was this giant
porcupine quill covered
in blood. Now, this was the 80's
and AIDS was no laughing
matter. I was like, okay, stick
that in my ass HIV.
Ah! Thank you! Thank
you! Thank you!
Bitch.
SOUND
- Dan texted. Checking in.
- Capturing suspect. Have
cash ready. Please stop calling
my Dad!
Yes!
Abby and Eliott
SOUND
Shit. Oh, oh, shit, Eliott.
I'm starving. I'm gonna go
to the Creamy Cone.
Okay. I'm just gonna stay
here and do nothin'.
Okay.
Hi.
- Oh, driving on the spare.
- Do you happen to have
a spare spare? I'm
so... that's a dumb j-I don't
know wha-I could
drive you to the gas
- Oh, I don't have any money.
- I lost my purse.
Bummer. Where ya headed?
My Mom's near Santa Fe.
Actually it's your lucky day.
I'm-I'm headed to Santa Fe on
a, on a business get to-tr-trippy thing.
Business trip. It's weird,
yeah? Coincidence, right that-
that we both go to the same
place 'n stuff, Goddamnit Jill.
SOUND
Cute dog.
Thanks.
Hey, I found a D-
Take your clothes off! Now
Mother Fucker!
Take your fucking clothes off!
SOUND
Do whatever they tell you!
Okay.
Female Robber Come on!
Hurry the Fuck up!
I am! I'm taking them
off! I'm taking them off!
Hurry up!
I am! I can't go any faster!
Come on!
Everything!
They weren't
finished. Take it all off, now!
Seriously. I'm not going
anywhere in this-
Oww!!! Okay.
Hurry up!
Wallets, purses, in a pile now!
Hurry the Fuck up.
Where's the rest? Where's
the rest?
Hurry up!
Where's the rest!
I'll blow his fucking globe
to bits! I will fucking do it!
It's in the bathroom!
Go get it, baby! Go get it!
I got it! I got it.
Let's fly, baby.
Have fun with The Borings.
SOUND
Whoohoooo!!!
SOUND
SOUND
Thank you for coming to our
rescue, Dan
Oh, pfft, it's no big deal
really.
No, it is, I don't know how
much longer we would have
lasted out here, so...
thanks.
You don't have to keep
thankin' me.
Well, if you'd accept my thanks,
I'd stop thanking you.
Fair enough, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Dan and Jill
Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah,
well, I don't-
- You got me confused.
- Okay.
Holy Be-Jesus!
What?!
I have the same affirmation
note!
Oh, my gosh.
- Wow! This is unbelievable.
- Unbelievable! And to think if
my car hadn't broken down
and you hadn't stopped to
save us, well we'd never know
that there was someone else
out there on the same lonely highway
with the same motto. Wow, right?
Yeah. Yeah, wow.
There are no coincidences.
Well, that went well.
I feel like they thought we
were in some smarmy
Greek threesome.
How are we gonna pay
for the rooms?
Why did they target us? What
did we do to them?
Sometimes bad things happen
to good people.
Run.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Go! Go! Go!
So, why are you going to
your Mom's house?
Oh! Umm... it's... Christmas,
heh. Summertime Christmas!
You know we... we missed it last
year, so... so we're doing it
now. Be both... we both have
just been so busy, you know,
and... and we never miss a
holiday. We're very close.
She taught me everything I know
about sandwiches.
Yeah, Dean, I know. I know I'm
late. I know, okay, uh, what did
you say the cross streets
were again? Hold on, just,
right. Okay, okay I have to get
off the phone somebody's,
somebody's here. Okay, talk to
you later. Bye.
- What are you doing here?
- You could have called.
I tried, but you didn't pick up.
Tell your boyfriend to move the car.
I'm late for a showing.
What?!
Mom... I'm in big trouble.
Oh, Drama. Here we go. I'm
not giving you any more money.
I can't.
Please hold her for me.
Make it quick.
I need-to talk to you.
I can't hear you when you're
whining, Bunny. Spit it out!
Could you please turn off your
phone!
Ugh, believe me I'd love to, but
I'm obligated to my clients. Oh
hi, Sally. Ah, yes, I'm on the
way. Ah... the code is 8-5-6-7-9
hmm... uh... sorry can
you hold for just a moment?
Could I stay with you? Just
for a little bit?
- You always push.
- Fine. The key's in the
armadillo. I'll be back by one
and we'll sort it out.
And don't slam the door. You
have to press in the tongue
and release. No slamming!
Hey! Please stop! Stop.
- I'm sorry. It was just awkward.
- And ah... I wanted to give you
privacy. Oh! Here's your dog
back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Umm... we're running low
on fuel.
Oh, great!
What are we gonna do now?
Know what? My friend Zelda
lives nearby. Saved the day!
Have fun with The Borings.
What was that supposed to mean?
No idea.
SOUND
TEXT ON SCREEN Pops.
SOUND
SOUND
SOUND
SOUND
SOUND
TEXT ON SCREEN Pops.
Hey, Pops!
Do this. I can't do it. I had
the dog in my hands. I just
- couldn't go through with it.
- I'll find a way to get the
money, but not this way. Okay, I
got a plan. I got a plan. Stan
and Dan gotta plan. Me and you
doing it together.
The Hell we will! You get that
Goddamn dog!
I-I'm not-I'm not cut out for
this job! I'm not you!
Shit, Daniel! Danny, I need you
to listen to me very carefully.
You remember your Uncle Morty?
Well, he's not really your Uncle
and if you you don't get that
Goddamn dog in the next
twenty-four hours, you're gonna
be scraping me off the walls!
Shit! Come on! You want me to
do that?! I'm not doin' it!
There's no way! No way in Hell
I'm doin' it! Hello? You were on
mute. Okay, I'll do it, but
this-this is the last time,
alright? This is it!
That a boy.
MUSIC ominous Italian music
MUSIC scary shrill flute music
SOUND
Oh, my God. What is that?
The Heirlooms are ripe!
Ripe! Ripe!
- Ohhhhh!! Ha! Ha! Okay! Okay!
- I'm digging the whole Bacchae
of Euripides theme. Oh!
Hahaha!!! Oh, it's so good to
see you! Oh ho ho!
Oh! And so wonderful to meet
you! Oh!
Sorry!
- Mmmmm. Mmmmm.
- Mmmmm.
This is the kind of
place people get raped.
I don't care. I'm wearing a
pillowcase. I'm hungry and
I'm tired and I need to get
high.
I am not stayin' here.
Come inside! I've got
some clothes that might work.
SOUND
SOUND
Laila.
What's that.
Oh!
SOUND
Waited all day for you/Hope
you're having fun/
I'm at Bar None/Jill
Alright.
Oh, my God. When I see her,
I'm going to give her so many
caramel kisses.
Oops.
Now, Where were we?
They were talking about
their dog.
So, how did you two come
together?
I asked her out after yoga class
and she told me she was a lesbian.
I had to. It's like,
all the other guys I went out
None of them were
right! Especially Robert. Pfft.
What did you tell her about
Robert?
Nothing. She's in tune.
SOUND
Yeah, right.
You have a really nice place.
I have to get real here. I'm
vibing in some very dangerous
fear between you two and it's
poison. It's toxic! I'm sorry
but that's it. No more
bullshit stories. Yoga didn't
bring you together.
That's how we met.
No! What brought you
together really?!
I don't know what?
Oh ho ho! Have you thought about
why you're crossing your arms? Hmm?
Because it's comfortable?
Because it's freezing in here?
Because you're closing yourself
off. Because you're afraid!
Afraid of what?
You tell me.
No, you tell me.
Is "no" your favorite word?
No.
Don't.
Let these-
Stop it.
Go.
No.
Push the reset button!
No.
Is it so hard to say yes?
- I'll never understand that.
- It's so easy. Yes!
No.
Yes!!
No!
Yeeeeeeeeeees!
No! Okay! Yes! Yes! Mother
fucking yes! Are you all happy?
Is this happiness?
You're together because your
souls are working to rectify an
imbalance.
She knows the Dalai Lama.
MUSIC country bar music
SOUND
Highway Hero! Well the
universe never stops, does she?
Look at that smile! It lights
up the room!
Look...
Mhmm?
I know who you are.
Well, I know who you are Highway 10.
Barkeep, two more pretty, please.
Actually, ah... I guess ah... one
won't hurt. Pixies.
SOUND
Mhmm.
The Beatles, Stones, Petty
Uh, Black Eyed Keys of course.
Ween. Dave Brubeck. A. A. Bondy-
I love A. A. Bondy! I didn't
think anyone knew about him!
No!
Okay. How about
Herb Alpert and
the Tijuana Brass?
Ah. Hell's yeah, like I cook to
that!
No, I-I love Pops and all ya
know, but like there's no room
for my input in his vision of
us. You know, like he's
always talking over me and
he's like, he's beating me
down until I'm like i-it's just
too exhausting to fight back.
Ugh. Ya know, I wish my Mom
would take the time to talk to
me. It'd be easier to pin
down a hummingbird.
She like never, like, told
anyone we were dating.
Out every night. Like, we hung
out every night.
You know, Kent didn't like
to cuddle. He couldn't
stand being touched unless
he instigated it.
Ugh.
All I wanted was for him
to commit.
Kent is a, he's an ass clown.
Your ex-boyfriend is an ass clown.
He is.
You know, the old me would
be begging for your phone
number, planning our wedding,
and naming our children.
323-638-9676, December
07, Bing, Chad, and Everly.
So... what are you doing in
Santa Fe anyway? Is this
your business drinking in Townie
bars, or are you a professor on
sabbatical looking to get
his rocks off, or a Mormon
on a mission? Kiss me on
my mouth hole.
I'm on a case. I'm a P.I.
Come here Mr. P.I.
Dang!
You're so weird. Ya know that?
I gotta be honest with you.
Mhmm.
I've been following you.
Mmm. You're so bad,
you dirty P.I.
No, no. I really am a Private
Investigator.
I've been following you since
the rest stop near the 95.
The Harmons hired me to recover
Laila and then have you arrested.
Wait, you're here to arrest me!?
Yeah. No, I mean I was, but
J-Jill look I'm on your side
right now. I-I can make this
go easy!
SOUND
Come on! Don't leave! Jill,
don't go!
SOUND
Jill, I have no way of getting
out of here!
This is where I will die!
SOUND
Hey.
SOUND
Um. No, come on.
SOUND
SOUND
Ahhhhh.
Oh, man. I-I gotta go to
bed.
- Finish your glass with me.
- Come on.
No-no. I'm wasted. I
really need to go to bed!
Like an hour ago...
- Come on. I just wanna talk.
- You're so fun to talk to.
SOUND
Oh, God.
Abby!
I'm so sorry.
I-I didn't kiss her.
I-
I'm sorry. Oh, God.
I kissed him. He didn't
do anything.
Abby; How long has this been going on?
Wait a minute when-
when I-when the robbers came in
and you two were in your
underwear were you-were
y-were you?
No! No! No way! No. No.
I did-I didn't do shit!
They were just some hoodlums
I bought weed from.
What?!
I knew you did that!
I'm sorry, I fucked up I didn't
know they were-
- Wait a minute.
- Wait, wait. You're sorry that
you got us robbed, or
you're sorry that you
kissed my husband. It's not
enough that your life has
gone to shit,
you have to ruin mine?
You don't need me to fuck
up your life!
Who goes on a cross country
crusade to find a dog?!!!
Yeah, I said it. A dog! You
could have a real baby, but
noooo, it's easier
to treat your dog like a baby!
- Hmm-mm, hmm-mm.
- Laila is our baby.
- A human baby! It's embarrassing!
- People make fun of
you when you push her around in
that stroller!
No they don't!
You put little bonnets on her!
I don't put bonnets on her.
- If you want a baby.
- Have a baby.
I don't want a baby.
Wait. You don't want a baby?
Why the Hell not?
None of your business!
I thought we were waiting until
we're financially ready to like-
It's not about the
money. I work seventy hours
a week. I don't have time. I
travel. I'm bi-coastal.
I'm in Europe half the year.
Then quit your job
and start your clothing line!
What's the problem?
Yeah, I mean you
could work from home and
we can like pool our resources
together-
You're folding your arms again!
So, you are closed off!
Abby, open up!
Wh-why, tell us why, you don't
want a baby? I want to know!
Why don't you want a baby?!!!
Okay! Okay! Okay! I am...
afraid of babies.
Really?
Yes.
What?
I...have never actually held
one. I've had the opportunity,
but I'm afraid that I will drop
them because they are soft
and delicate and they are like
little birds with no feathers.
Are you serious right now?
I'm totally serious. It is not
hard to accidentally kill a
baby. People do it all the time.
It's always on the news. They
have tiny breathing holes and
their heads are mushy. What
if you think that they're crying
and they're actually bleeding
internally? I don't want that
kind of pressure. I don't want
to be a bad parent.
- That's so fucking stupid.
- That came out wrong.
t's just... I want someone to
make a family with.
Well, then stop dating boy
scouts and date someone with
some faults like the rest of us.
You deserve Taylor Lautner and,
and the rest
of us get Jason Alexander?
Thanks.
Grow up, Kat. You're 42.
I am?
Abby?
SOUND
It's gonna be really hard for
me to trust you for a while.
I know.
But you're my best friend
and I love you. I do!
I love you too.
And I want to believe. I do, I
believe that you were
fucked up and lonely and
desperate and really creepy!
Thank you!
Don't! Don't push it.
'kay.
But mostly you've been a really
good friend to me. And I want
you to know that I did hear
you, and... I will consider
giving up the stroller and
possibly the baby Bjorn.
And I'll cut back on the wine
except on the weekend, and
Holidays and special occasions,
but otherwise it's like, none!
You know?
Okay.
I..I-I'm still gonna wipe
Laila's ass with baby wipes
because to me that's just hygienic
and she sleeps in the bed.
Agreed.
And we're not boring.
I know you're not.
Not all the time.
SOUND
Hey.
Hi.
Can I come in?
You want a Bloody Mary?
SOUND
I don't want to lose you over
this stupid job.
t's... I'll support you in any
decision you plan on making,
okay? Cause I know you'll
make the right one.
Cause you're a good person.
The right decision is to give
the dog back.
I know. I really want to...
SOUND
Hair of the dog.
Mmm!
PHONE RINGS
It's Dan!
- I wanna make a deal.
- Jill is willing to give Laila
back, but no jail time.
A-And the ransom, the
ransom was just a ruse.
And, she's super sorry.
Whose side are you on?
Ah, I-I'm on the side of
everybody wins here.
Are you fucking her?
Ah. Ah, no, let, let's, let's
just say things have changed,
alright?
He's fucking her.
Okay, that's the deal you got
it? And I want ten grand
an-and-and that's a fee, that is
not a ransom. I want to make
that perfectly clear! Alright. I
wanna rendevous at 5pm
Occupado and 110th.
Say twenty paces in.
Just say it. Just say it.
Say it.
And I want it. I want it to
be twenty paces in.
You know what? The desert
is almost as original
as the quarry, and I can hear
you breathing Jill.
- It's remote, and no cops!
- There's any cops and we're out!
That's it!
Whirrr!
That's us drivin' away like
bats outta Hell!
Okay. Thank you so much!
She's like a giant squid.
Thank you! Ahhh! Okay. Bye!
What if we don't move to
San Francisco?
Really?
Yeah, I can work from home. You
could start your line, and we
would have more time together
and we could work on-
Yes.
Yes?
Mhmm.
Unity Consciousness!
SOUND
Hello?
MUSIC Sappy Instrumental
BFFFFFFFFF song
Just because we have to say
goodbye doesn't mean that
I don't love you, but I know
that they do too.
I'll always hold you here in...
my heart.
Somebody hates you.
Clearly. You owe me for
the door.
Go ahead. What are you waiting
for? Shoot!
I'm afraid of you.
Come on!
I'm afraid you'll be defensive.
What'd I do?!
You worked too much. I was
a little kid and you left
me alone all the time. I mean,
I-I know I was mature for my
age, but I was
only 10! I felt abandoned.
I never abandoned you! I had to
work! Oh! You are so
ungrateful! What was I supposed
to do, huh? I was a single
parent. I worked 60 hours a
week, taught jazz, tap, ballet
on the weekends... tell me how
you'd do it smarty?!
I don't know! I just missed you!
SOUND
SOUND
Ring it again!
SOUND
SOUND ominous Italian music
What is going on?! I can't
see anything!
Jill Tozer!
That's my Dad. He was in the
driveway when I got here.
Alright.
Ow!
What?!
I said I had this under control.
- Danny! Danny!
- I know you can hear me!
No! No! No! No! I am not
harbouring criminals!
Get out of my house! Get!
Out the back! Go!
What?!
Goddamn it, Danny!
I'm goin' in.
Just let the experts
handle this.
What makes you think
they can handle it?
MUSIC ominous Italian music
Uncle Morty?
Hey, Danny.
Hey, I told you son,
Morty doesn't operate well on
extended deadlines. He started
to doubt that I got the
money coming to me.
Oh, come on, Uncle Morty.
Don't mess with Morty! I know
he's like an Uncle to you, but
make no mistake he'll cut your
balls off!
Ah, I see the money's here. Get
over here with the rest of them.
It's-it's okay he's with me,
just do what he says.
Give me back my dog!
That's your dog? I don't blame
you for being upset. Somebody
took my dog, I'd put a fucking
hole in their head.
You give the dog back. You hand
over the money, and you
open the bag.
- Well, thank you for everything.
- Nice to meet you. Thank you.
What's the rush?
Oh, my God.
What's this? What is this?!
It's a tomato.
It's a-an heirloom tomato.
This some kind of fuckin' joke?
We got robbed.
What?!
SOUND
Keep me in the game coach!
Go! Get out of here!
Thank you! Thank you!
This way!
SOUND
You like tuna?
I'll make you a sandwich. I got
fresh cucumbers.
I got romaine from the garden. I
got fresh avo, yeah, I've got
some mustard that I just bought
at the farmer's market and
some hot, delicious, crusty
baguettes.
SOUND
What about pudding? You got any
pudding?
- I don't have any pudding.
- I don't know what
happened to it.
SOUND
Whoa! Yeah! Bite.
SOUND
SOUND
I'll get it.
Okay.
C'mon, c'mon.
Oh, thank you.
Who is it?
Mormons.
- That's right, come here!
- Come here! Let go of that.
Grrr! Grrrr! Grrrr!
SOUND
MUSIC lullaby plays
MUSIC lullaby plays
- Hello little baby. Sh! Sh!
- Sh! Sh! Sh! Sh!
SOUND
SOUND
Eliott!
Barks