Gone with the Bullets (2014) Movie Script
1
To be or not to be?
To be or not to be?
Why ask me? I'm not a prince.
Not anymore.
To be or not to be?
Not since I accidentally caused
the fall of the Ching dynasty.
I moved to Shanghai,
where everyone reinvents themselves.
I became a fixer for the rich.
A con artist.
To be or not to be?
I have a talent for telling lies.
Is it my fault everyone believes me?
My story starts when Wu-Seven...
...seventh son
of the great General Wu...
...came to me for a favour.
To be or not to be?
I am Ma Zouri.
I believe in Shanghai.
I made it here.
My father made it here.
My cousins made it here.
Anyway, here's how
I shamed Shanghai.
I've fallen for an Italian broad
who I wanted to bang.
I flew her to Shanghai.
She asked for a bowl of noodles
from Chef Huang.
I said, "Done!" I cleared the street,
booked the restaurant.
I even brought her the noodles myself.
She didn't touch them. She asked me:
"Where's the chef?"
I said, "She's gone."
Then she asked,
"And the people on the street?"
I said, "I got rid of them all."
She was furious.
She stuck her finger in my face
and said:
"You schmuck!"
Me? Wu-Seven?
Called a schmuck
by a little Italian tramp?
So the next day I sped to the airport...
...and stopped her plane on the tarmac.
I stuck my piece
in her bodyguard's face.
"Scram!"
I boarded her plane
and confronted her, "Signorina...
...I'm here with your noodles
and Chef Huang."
She tried the noodles,
"This is not wok-fresh."
I said, "What?"
"Wok-fresh!
This is the essence
of fine Chinese cooking.
Stray but 5 metres from her kitchen...
...that wok-fresh aroma is lost!
Master Wu-Seven...
...you are Chinese,
the son of a warlord.
But you know crap about wok-fresh!
Forget about me.
Forget about Rome.
To me you're nothing.
Nothing but new money."
With that she flew off to Tokyo...
...to try some Japanese udon.
I felt like a complete fool.
Even Chef Huang snickered at me.
So I asked all my advisors:
"How do I restore my dignity...
...impress this babe...
...and turn my money from new to old?"
Everyone said...
...I should come to see you...
...Ma Zouri.
Why did you take her to noodles...
...without coming to me first?
From now on,
I'll always come to you first.
You have to help me.
How?
No, that I cannot do.
- Huang doesn't deserve to die.
- Tell me.
You.... How much for a "yes"?
You have no respect for me.
You don't treat me as a friend.
You come for help
without even addressing me properly.
You called me Ma, not Mr. Ma.
Mr. Ma, I've been so upset
by this "new money."
I can't even finish spending my cash.
- How much?
- Enough to buy half of Shanghai.
Mr. Ma, help me spend it.
But with one condition:
Make me look like old money.
Do this, then name your own price.
Master Wu-Seven...
...why such disrespect?
I was once an aristocrat.
If I'd only been more careful...
- ...it wouldn't have ended.
- What ended?
Tell him. It's time for the truth.
Don't blame yourself
for the empire's demise.
I am responsible. It was a snowy eve.
The empress dowager summoned me.
"The Allies are invading," she cried.
"And the people are rebelling!
How do I save the empire?" I said:
"No big deal. Starting tomorrow...
...all men should...
...cut off their pigtails."
The empress dowager gasped.
I went on, "Show everyone...
...we nobles can be new."
The empress was delirious.
"You're my guy, Ma!
And now go. Get it done!
Tomorrow I'll issue an imperial edict."
I was so happy.
I ran all the way out of the palace.
The snow hushed the night.
I wanted to raise a toast
to the emperor. Just one drink.
But I ended up with two whole jugs.
By the time I woke up, it was already...
...the Republic!
We still cut our pigtails.
But we were forced to.
Not the same as voluntarily.
Perhaps it's karma.
Because I drank,
the Ching dynasty fell.
Because it fell,
your father became general.
Because your father
became general...
...you date girls
out of your league.
A general's son bows to you...
...in the old Manchurian way.
- I got him by the balls.
- You the man.
- Rise!
- That means "rise."
Rise!
Some day, and that day
may never come...
...I may call on you for a favour.
But before we get into that...
...let us turn your money from new...
- ...to old.
- Sounds like money laundering.
It is. Didn't I make myself clear?
Yes, you did.
I'm blowing money
from my dad's military budget...
...in the name of peace.
Noble of you.
- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
Bye.
So much money.
How we gonna spend it?
We spend it lavishly.
Shanghai, city of adventure!
The Paris of the Far East!
And now, host to the modern age's
most unusual election:
presidency of the Global Escort Nation!
That's right, once a Shanghai contest
limited only to Chinese working girls...
...for the first time, this election opened
its doors to candidates around the world.
And in cities and towns everywhere,
voters decided on their favourite:
courtesans from Canada...
...flower girls from France,
geisha from Japan...
...and American streetwalkers.
And tonight, in a grand finale...
...three finalists will compete to become
the world's First Lady of the Evening.
Every district in Shanghai
hoped to host this final election.
The French District won,
thanks to the help of Mr. Xiang...
...who happens to head
the organising committee.
The French Concession is honoured
to host the final escort election.
This honour belongs not just to the
French and Chinese, but to the world!
Sadly, this German nominee
got her paperwork in late.
She committed suicide out of despair.
But the international and
local communities in Shanghai...
...rallied to her memory, prompting
this statement from Mr. Ma Zouri...
...producer of the event:
Making the election global is
one small step for the Escort Nation...
...but one giant leap for mankind.
Can mankind be united by
a common quest for truth and beauty?
That I can't say.
What I can say is...
...it couldn't hurt.
I believe this is the future of mankind.
So let us honour these hopeful
and inspiring young leaders...
...as they ask not what service
the world can do for them...
...but how they can service the world.
Ladies and gentlemen!
- Today is history.
- Today is history.
Today is history.
- Today, we make history.
- Today, we make history.
Today, we make history.
And today, we are part of history.
- And today, we are part of history.
- And today, we are part of history.
I was told the whole world
is staying up...
- ...for our broadcast.
- That's true.
How supportive!
Let's make it worth their while.
How do we do that?
Keep it moving.
So who are the finalists?
Shangguan, the Green Dragon.
Foster, the White Tiger.
- A dragon and a tiger.
- It's astrological.
A battle of celestial bodies.
But only one super star
can shine as our president.
And the last candidate?
- Our former president.
- Who's that?
- Miss Wanyan Ying!
- Miss Wanyan Ying!
And now, a song so new
that Mr. Gershwin won't even write it...
...for another 10 years.
Miss White Tiger Foster,
as she shares with us the beauty...
...and the passion of "Summertime."
That's Wu-Six, Wu-Seven's sister.
Her dream is
to become China's Lumire.
Amazingly, tonight's footage will
wind up as China's first feature film.
The bad news?
It will be titled Executing Ma Zouri.
What a touching performance...
...about motherly love
from the American.
It'll be hard to top!
I admit there is nothing greater
than a mother's love.
Except?
Except maybe the love of a father.
So here she is! Singing Puccini...
...Miss Green Dragon.
- "O Mio Babbino Caro"!
- "O Mio Babbino Caro"!
Wanyan Ying always believed...
...she was the granddaughter
of Emperor Wanyan Aguda.
Me? I'm descended from Genghis Khan.
And just like that, Wanyan fell for me.
But I often doubt it.
We're together...
...but we're not really "together."
Wanyan has been
elected president twice.
Unfortunately, at the time,
Escort Nation...
...was just a brothel in Shanghai.
Now she has to defend her title...
...against an international field:
White Tiger from America...
...and Green Dragon from Europe.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Our global broadcast
has the world buzzing!
We've received over 2300 telegrams.
From England, France, Austria...
- ...Japan, Russia.
- How can we pick one?
Without offending the others.
- We'll pick from a country.
- Smaller units.
- You mean families?
- Smaller.
An individual? Too many of those.
- So pick the most miserable.
- Like this one.
It's from Private Olgakov of Ukraine.
"Cease-fire reached with the enemy.
Awaiting Wanyan's appearance.
If she doesn't show...
...all hell will break loose."
- What does that mean?
- It means...
...if Madam President
doesn't show up...
...Ukraine will burn.
Madam President!
Stop fighting. Can you hear me?
- They can't reply.
- It's a live broadcast!
But not a phone call.
Perhaps they'll cable.
Hurry up, war's about to start again!
Why must men always fight?
You all deserve a good spanking!
Man needs woman's love.
Just like a child needs its mother.
Men, give up your arms...
...and return to the arms
of your women!
Let's be content as women.
Let's not fight like men.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Green Dragon...
...and White Tiger...
...all have such beautiful moves.
I didn't want to step on their moments.
But now I've done it.
No, no, keep going!
In your opinion, what should we do?
Take less. Give more.
Giving makes one happy.
Giving blesses the world.
- Why not give a little yourself?
- A little? How about I give it all?
All my possessions.
Jewellery, clothing, car, property.
Everything.
- To who?
- To babies...
...who need milk.
To the poor who need homes.
To the old who need care.
I have money, and so do you.
To hell with middlemen!
I'll give directly. All!
Hold it, please!
I've just decided
I'll also donate myself.
My past, my present and my future.
Look at you!
I'm auctioning my virginity.
For 30 nights.
The bidding will start soon.
Please be generous!
All proceeds will be donated.
I won't keep a dime.
What did you say you'll auction off?
My virginity.
Funny, right?
A working girl speaking of virginity?
As the saying goes, the past is dead.
The future is unknown.
Like the sunrise or a newborn...
...like the dew or our new world...
...we greet each morning reborn.
Each night can also be a first.
The secret to love?
Treat each time like the first time!
Wanyan! Wanyan!
According to our charter,
whoever gets the loudest cheers...
...will be the next president.
And now...
...Green Dragon and White Tiger.
- On stage, please!
- On stage, please!
Who votes for Miss White Tiger?
Wanyan! Wanyan!
- What about Green Dragon?
- Wanyan! Wanyan! Wanyan!
Just as we planned,
Wanyan became...
...the president of Escort Nation.
We thought the story would end here.
But stories, like life, get out of control.
Good news!
Telegram from the Ukrainian front!
Permanent cease-fire.
- Cease-fire!
- Cease-fire!
Wanyan! Wanyan! Wanyan!
- Listeners!
- Honoured guests!
Prepare yourselves
for the biggest, the boldest surprise.
Who will crown the new president?
A glittering star.
A living legend. She is....
Madam Sai.
- Jin.
- Hua.
History calls her
the Joan of Arc of China.
Alone, she faced the Allied armies...
...and their horny German commander.
She is Madam Sai.
Super siren!
Dearest friends...
...the eyes of the world
are upon you.
So open your chequebooks
and be generous to your new president.
The crowning of Miss Wanyan...
...will conclude our auction.
We succeeded.
Master Wu-Seven's money
became clean.
In fact, we cleaned him out.
We spent it all.
Every last dime.
Miss! Miss!
Miss! One more thing.
- Yes?
- I don't get it.
You didn't eat or drink,
you even brought your own bed.
- Now you even refuse a tip?
- Grandpa...
...I did it for charity.
Miss! Miss!
This is my mother's ring.
I never married,
so I want you to have it.
Please, your bid was payment enough.
At my age, I thought I'd seen it all.
Life had lost its lustre.
But now...
...you just showed me
what I've missed out on.
You have re-lit the fire within me.
That's why I'm here.
To rekindle your fire.
Can I have your number?
Give him my card.
Grandpa, here's my card. Call me.
Grandpa, keep your fire lit.
I'll hold a torch for you.
Forget me not!
- Next stop.
- Joseph's place.
Lafayette, B1389.
I thought our next appointment
was with Mr. Liu.
Mr. Liu won the bid originally...
...but he gifted her to Joseph.
He can't do that! Gift her away!
We can't be picky.
We must reward every bidder.
The world watches.
- Where to, which road?
- Lafayette, B1389.
It's right here.
In Red Chamber, it's written:
"When the fake is taken to be real...
...the real often becomes fake."
Wanyan really believes
she's president now.
Awashed in platonic love...
...she treats me like a lowly driver.
I drive her from "charity" to "charity."
I try to wake her up...
...but she's lost in her dream.
What a mess!
We're heading for trouble.
Shuwan Gou,
I thought we were going to Joseph's.
This is Zhu-Three's place.
Joseph is Zhu-Three!
Really?
I know a Zhu-Three. I hate him.
- Hope it's not the same guy.
- Same guy.
Then it's your fault. If I knew...
...I wouldn't have brought her here.
Wanyan said we shouldn't be picky.
The whole world is watching us.
She's acting presidential.
Joseph or Zhu-Three,
we have to treat them equally.
She's a pro. I respect her.
Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri!
No! Oh, no! Ma Zouri!
I thought we were friends!
Peking, Shanghai, Paris.
I've been to all their best restaurants.
On several occasions...
...the restaurant had but one table.
And I was the only guest.
It must be a thing with you men.
Come.
This is the highest building
in Shanghai.
Just opened today.
I took over the restaurant.
Got the best Italian chef.
- Just for you.
- Thanks.
On my 8th birthday, I made a wish.
If one day a man would fight for me,
I'd marry him.
Just 8 years old?
I waited until my 18th birthday.
And then my 28th.
I lost hope.
Will I be waiting at 38?
Finally...
...when I least expected it...
...he appeared.
He's you.
Impossible.
You beat up Joseph for me,
out of jealousy.
Me, jealous of him?
Because you love me.
You and I have been friends
for 30 years.
That long?
- And we've been intimate.
- Exactly.
And you got so jealous,
you beat up Joseph...
...your good friend. That's love.
I beat him up because he's an ass.
He's a copycat.
He copies everything I do.
- If I date a plump girl--
- Excuse me.
Thank you.
Have you ever said, "I love you"?
Baby, I love you.
Speak Chinese.
- Love you. I.
- Who loves?
- Who do you love? Say the whole thing.
- You.
- I lovest thee.
- "Thee"? So formal.
Because I respect you.
I don't want you to respect me,
I want you to love me!
Off-the-shoulder!
- Sweetheart neckline.
- Oh, my!
- Strapless, high waist!
- Look at that!
Mermaid tail.
Look at the leggings!
Looks like pants to me.
How many times do you plan
to be married?
Whenever I see a gown I like...
...I buy it.
I've been collecting for years.
- Pretty, right?
- You're prettier the other way.
- What do you mean? Pig!
- Naked.
Can't get married without a dress.
- Just who will you marry?
- You.
Shuwan Gou! Shuwan Gou!
Shuwan Gou!
- What do you want with her?
- I want her to save me.
Why save you?
My assistant saves only me.
Just ignore him!
You're acting strange today.
Accusing me of being jealous.
Telling me to say "I love you."
Now ordering me to marry you.
That's three giant steps in one day.
- Let's make love.
- We just did.
My mother comes in two days.
We'll marry then. A Western wedding.
Why Western?
I love it when the couple stands there
and says:
- "I do."
- You even know what "I do" means?
I love thee.
Wrong. That's not what it means.
You know how the English say,
"How do you do"?
What does the "do" mean?
It means to force it, to push,
to doo-doo.
When an Englishman wakes up...
...he trots to the bathroom
and takes care of business.
It makes him feel noble.
When a friend asks him,
"How do you do?"...
...what does "do" mean? It means,
"Did you take a noble dump?"
- It's all about poo-poo.
- Yes...
...it's about making doo-doo!
Don't laugh. If you don't do it regularly,
your brain will explode.
It killed Caesar, Nero and George II.
So.... Why would you say "do"
at a wedding?
"We are gathered here to do...."
Everybody'll shit themselves.
I see.
But I still want a Western wedding.
I'm going to say "I do"
and so will you.
- Stop pinching me!
- Say it!
No!
- I can pinch you back. Cry out.
- Say "I do."
- I'm going to hurt you.
- Just say it!
- This doesn't hurt?
- Say "I do."
Why aren't you crying? You're bruised.
You can hurt me all you want...
- ...but you'll marry me.
- But I don't want either.
What do you have against marriage?
It's a serious business.
You don't want to marry
someone like me.
- Why not?
- Well, I'm still a child.
You are too old to be a child,
and too hung.
I'm too hung up to settle down.
Afraid of responsibility?
Fine. I'll take charge.
I proposed, didn't I?
I'll arrange everything.
I'm just begging you to say "I do"!
Since we're old friends,
I'll do you this favour.
We've pulled many scams before.
Is that what this is to you?
- I thought you wanted to fool your mom?
- No!
- So whose mother are we fooling?
- Yours!
You fraud!
Wait, is that a gun?
I was just kidding.
What's with the gun?
Do you even know how to use it?
I'll shoot you and then I'll shoot myself.
Then I'll marry you in hell.
Why are you still
acting like a princess?
- China's now a republic.
- Couldn't care less.
- Have I ever begged?
- No.
- Have I ever grovelled?
- Definitely not.
I was elected president
because I played my part perfectly.
Indeed you did. You were perfect.
Now I just want you to love me
and marry me.
- But you turned me down.
- No, I didn't.
I care for you.
I think you're wonderful.
You don't need to marry me.
I am already yours.
If you don't marry me,
I don't want to live.
Our hearts should be as one.
That's not where the heart is.
It's here.
Pull the trigger!
What if the gun was loaded?
You'd be dead.
Come on!
Don't threaten me again
with a fake gun.
It's loaded.
In my previous life...
...I must have owed you bigtime.
Otherwise, why would I...
...put up with you?
In our previous lives,
we must have been...
...two eyeballs on the same face.
We were born as a pair.
But destined never to see each other.
So which one of us was the left eye?
Take your pick.
You can be the left, I'll be the right.
- I was the right.
- Then I was the left.
So close, but never to meet...
...that's sad.
What if we were cross-eyed?
You must have a really flat nose...
...for the right to see the left!
No way.
One could never see the other.
So sad.
I know how they could meet.
Pluck one eyeball out...
...then they can see eye-to-eye.
- No!
- Then what?
- A snail! Eyes on a snail!
- A snail?
- A snail has eyes like this.
- About this high!
It can even see behind itself.
We're eye-crossed lovers!
- Or we could be two waves.
- Waves?
I'll forever be chasing after you.
- Do you want to steer our boat?
- I do.
- Where are we going now?
- Wherever you say.
- I don't want to go anywhere.
- I do.
We don't want to go anywhere!
Why so fast
if we're not going anywhere?
We have to go fast to be nowhere.
- Take me home.
- I do.
We are home!
- Is this home?
- It is.
Home is wherever you are.
- Lights!
- I do. Lights!
Too bright.
I'll turn them off.
Aim! Fire!
Look at that!
Are you singing?
I'll bring down the brightest lantern
for you.
Stop! You'll scare my friends!
The man in the moon?
No, the rabbit!
I can see his ears.
If you see his ears, then he's close by.
Too close.
Look at him! Making a mess.
- He's making medicine.
- He's a dirty rabbit.
- A dust bunny!
- Let's go sweep the dust!
Then the moon will shine bright
in the day.
Let's go!
- So, what's this medicine for?
- Immortality.
Perfect. Let's go.
Let's live forever!
Who else is up there?
- The woman in the moon.
- What about her man?
- He couldn't commit.
- Then kick him out!
It'll just be her, the rabbit, me and you.
- You'll marry me, then?
- I'll marry you all.
- No, just me.
- "I do."
Never smoke opium.
Never!
It's what killed Wanyan.
If I knew...
...that love would have kept you alive!
Why didn't I confess sooner?
What should I do now?
I run.
No one will believe
what happened here.
I don't remember myself.
Who can I turn to?
Wu-Six.
Her dad is a warlord.
And her mom
was my beloved grade-school teacher.
- Name?
- Ma Zouri.
Business?
- Looking for Wu-Six. Seven.
- Who?
- Six or Seven?
- Six, I guess.
This way!
Sit!
Read!
Escort Nation President found
Miss Wu-Six will see you now!
We're taking the train
to film the sunset.
Perfect, I can help.
I made films in France.
"A train arrives."
"Another train arrives."
- Say something in French.
- Yes, very good.
Cheese.
At Siruiying Elementary,
I mastered six languages.
My mother taught there.
- What's her name?
- Qi.
My 3rd grade teacher!
Your mother was quite a looker.
Every boy's fantasy.
She enlightened us in many ways.
What'd you do in France?
I was in love...
...and followed this girl home...
...to Loch Lomond.
We sat on its bonny banks...
- ...watching the sun rise and set.
- What happened?
The war started.
I told her, "Wait at the lake.
If I die,
my soul will take the high road...
...and you'll take the low road.
And I'll be home before ye."
Isn't that a Scottish song?
- They sing of me there too?
- You know...
...that you die in that song?
Well, I almost died.
A cannonball exploded near me.
I survived, but I lost my leg.
Lost your leg?
They gave me a wooden one.
Can't tell which one it is, right?
Of course I can!
You kicked me in the good leg!
That one hurts even more.
Wu-Six broke my leg.
She actually broke them both.
She doesn't like show-offs.
They went on to film the sunset
without me.
If only I'd gone with her....
You startled me.
It's been a while. You've aged.
- Really?
- Yes.
You look like a teacher
in those glasses.
I borrowed these, for a disguise.
What have you done?
Is that why you came to see me?
Actually, I hate to trouble you, but....
Trouble me or your Teacher Qi?
- Is she here?
- Xiao Qiang!
Take Mr. Ma to see his Teacher Qi.
Is that a robot?
- Did you build it?
- I'm still monkeying with it.
Oh, destiny, changeable like the moon.
Is that really you,
my beloved Teacher Qi?
Siruiying Elementary, right?
- You recognise me?
- At Siruiying Elementary...
...I was Teacher Qi.
At Yijing High, I was Madam Qi.
At Peking College, I was Principal Qi.
That's how I know your school.
But I can't place you.
- It's Ma Zouri.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
I went by my Manchurian name.
- I sat in the last row.
- Never mind.
- What can I do for you?
- Dear Teacher Qi, I humbly bid you--
What's with "dear teacher"?
- Tell her.
- I was about to.
Mother, he said you were his lover...
...in his dreams.
He said you awoke him.
- Carnally.
- I don't recall saying that.
- Years ago in the train.
- You desired me?
- Sorry.
- Don't be shy.
Few students admit it.
You're the first. You're blushing.
- Disaster!
- Cut the drama!
The old dog is mad.
- He bites the puppy.
- What's going on?
She calls our husband the old dog
and her son a puppy.
- Your son-in-law?
- No, no!
- Why are you holding hands?
- He was my student.
- Prepare dinner.
- Yes, ma'am!
Tell the kitchen, one guest.
- Military songs tonight?
- Always!
Washroom?
Here, here, here again and behind.
All ways lead to a toilet.
- How about I show you?
- You come with me.
- I'll find it. Yes.
- You sure?
Will you ever grow up?
Ma Zouri, time to grovel.
Cat got your tongue?
Am I ashamed to ask for help?
No shame! No shame!
- Who's there?
- It's me, Feitian.
- Help me, Zouri.
- Is that really you?
- What's going on?
- Don't pull, that's a horse bit.
- Horse bit?
- There's a saddle on my back.
Who did this to you?
- General Wu. He said...
- Why?
...I'm not fit to be human.
- He's devolving me into a monkey.
- A monkey?
But you're in the stable.
I'm starting as a horse.
You really offended him.
What'd you do?
Wu-Seven took me out.
His father caught us.
- Whoring?
- What else?
All this for...?
- We screwed Daddy's whores.
- No!
You see that clock?
At midnight...
...he sics those stallions on me.
What? No way!
I don't envy you.
I don't think I can take it.
- I'll unhook you.
- Don't! If I run...
...he'll kill me.
Ask Wu-Six to call off her dad.
Save me, brother.
Charm her.
What time is it?
- 11:37.
- Twenty-three minutes left for salvation.
- If I can't?
- I'll be double horse-fucked!
All rise! Sing!
We know what we know
No pretending, none at all
If we don't know, we say so
No pretending, none at all
Always honest, that's our thing
No pretending, none at all
Confucius gave us these words to sing
No pretending at all, none at all
No pretending at all!
No pretending. Period!
- Sit!
- Sit!
- Who the hell is he?
- I'm me.
Are you my son?
Which one is your mother?
- My Teacher Qi.
- Not a son-in-law?
He was my student.
He sees me as a parent.
Get those two bastards in here!
You know what Seven's problem is?
He spends everything
and screws everyone!
- My military budget?
- Spent it on whores.
- My poor puppy!
- Mom...
...stop crying! I'm not dead!
The money was for my cadet school!
The U.S. has West Point.
China needs East Point!
You just want exotic concubines.
I'm fitter than you think!
I want my soldiers to be fit too.
But these two assholes--
Spent money meant for men...
- ...on women.
- That's right.
- He's got it.
- General...
...you are a man of vision.
If I were younger...
...I'd follow you into battle.
Other generals spend money
on weapons.
You spend it on people.
You should be angry.
Those assholes deserve to be shot.
Bring me the horse!
Horse-screw them! Then shoot them.
Hold it, sir!
Money isn't the only way
to make our soldiers strong.
- What can we do without money?
- Science!
Science is for improving weapons,
not human beings.
It can also improve the human body.
Don't believe me? I'll prove it.
Can you touch the floor?
- I know I can't.
- Do as I say...
...and you'll be able to immediately.
Don't bullshit me.
Or you'll be horse-hammered...
- ...and shot.
- Let's try something else.
- No need. Go for it!
- Let's do this.
Get up!
- Show me!
- Everybody ready?
- Are you all game?
- Of course.
Raise your hands.
Straighten your legs.
Lower your hands slowly.
- Can you touch the floor?
- No.
That's right. Now follow me.
- Just do this 20 times.
- Begin!
One, two, three, four....
The moment of truth.
Raise your hands.
Reach for the sun. And the moon.
For the stars. For the ocean.
Deep into the ocean.
- I did it!
- Stretching adds years...
- ...to life.
- From now on, we sing before dinner...
...and touch toes afterwards.
But you can touch something else.
Your face.
- What do you feel?
- My beard.
No, your smile.
The smile of a child.
I bet you haven't smiled like this
in 40 years.
You son of a bitch,
you haven't smiled at me for ages.
I am smiling.
Let me reward you!
- No need.
- I insist. I owe nobody.
- Must I? Let these two go.
- You must.
Shut up!
My general...
...please let them go.
I've never been so humiliated.
That'll teach you...
- ...for being my brother's buddy.
- Yes...
...he is wicked.
Most murder victims
are killed by buddies.
Ma Zouri is your buddy.
But he just saved your ass.
Me?
Your father wasn't really
going to hurt them.
He just needed an excuse to let you go.
But you kept the horse out of my bed.
In spite of his bullshit, Ma's true blue.
Miss Wu-Six, be my witness.
Should Ma come to me one day...
- ...I'll die a thousand times to help him.
- Thanks.
Thanks for the ride. And my life.
- Your hat!
- Hey, your hat!
About that stallion...
...please tell no one.
Least of all my French bosses.
Relax. See you.
Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri!
You're wanted for murder!
You're acting kind of weird.
- Weird?
- Something's bothering you.
No. I'm fine.
- You sure?
- Of course.
If you have a problem, come tell me.
I can't. Your father would shoot me.
Miss Wu treated me nicely that day.
She kept asking if she could help me.
I kept insisting I was fine.
How could I be fine?
They think I'm a murderer now.
I don't understand.
Why was I so free with Wanyan...
...but so nervous...
...and tongue-tied around Wu-Six?
The old Peking crowd is upstairs.
- Wanna join us?
- I'll park the car.
- See you upstairs.
- Okay.
- Sir. Yes, sir.
- Give the key to that lady.
- And money for you. Thanks.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Want a ride?
Where to?
That's too much.
- You hop on.
- But this is not proper.
Does this count as being unselfish?
I went to the general to save my life.
Instead, I saved Xiang's life
by accident.
Xiang's evolved back into a human.
But he's coming after me now.
Is he being ungrateful?
I can't blame him really.
Everyone needs help at some point.
But no one wants to be
reminded of it afterwards.
For years, I eluded his grasp.
He started arresting innocent men
for crimes of passion...
...they didn't commit.
That's how he made
a name for himself...
...and became Shanghai's...
...top Chinese detective.
As for me, I have to keep running.
As time passes...
...I don't even know who I am anymore.
Hey, friend.
Where can I find some Peking opera?
No Peking opera, Shanghai opera.
Shanghai? No, no. Peking opera.
Ma Zouri.
- The play about him, you mean?
- Ma Zouri.
- Only Shanghai opera.
- Executing Ma Zouri.
Wanyan, Wanyan...
...you ungrateful slut!
You had it coming.
She's Wanyan, the whore.
I'm Ma Zouri, the son of a bitch.
We're a pair of deviants.
When she became president,
she stopped giving me cash.
And stopped giving me ass.
I've no more use for her.
So don't blame me for going psycho.
I'm just doing God's work!
Oh, no, the ditch is too small.
Can't find a shovel.
Can't modify the ditch.
So I'll have to modify the bitch.
- Which one should I use?
- The big one!
The big one!
Madam President
You had a change of heart
So I ripped you apart
Now you are la carte
Hey, who are you?
They said you waited for me all night.
I would've waited a year
to get an audience with you.
- Autograph?
- No.
I've been asked to deliver something
to you.
- From who?
- Ma Zouri.
His cousin.
Is that so?
Oh, my, this is too much.
Drinks, please.
Besides the gold coins,
did his cousin...?
- Tea, sir.
- Thanks.
- What else did he want?
- He asked me...
...to relay three messages.
- Go ahead.
- The first one is, he hopes...
...you stay honest...
- ...and be a serious actor.
- That goes without saying. Number 2?
The second message is...
...he hopes that you...
...stop performing Executing Ma Zouri.
- Why?
- Because...
...it's not good for Ma Zouri.
And it's certainly not good for you.
- And the third?
- The third message is.... Got it?
I meant the cousin's third message.
That is the third message: Got it?
Ma's cousin....
What's he do for a living?
This cousin?
His cousin.... Everything.
And nothing. He's a fixer.
An enforcer.
He doesn't ask twice.
Yesterday, I was threatened
by someone.
I was offered a bribe
to stop acting in this show.
I want to hear from you.
Should I keep acting?
- Yes!
- And should I slice and dice?
- Slice! Dice!
- Which knife should I use?
The big one!
No need for these!
And after I cut her up?
Rape and kill!
Today, I will kill, but not rape.
Tomorrow, I will rape, but not kill.
And the day after tomorrow,
I'll rape and kill.
So to see it all...
...you have to come
three days in a row.
Madam President
You had a change of heart
XIANG FEITIAN EXECUTES MA ZOURI!
Starring: Xiang Feitian,
Wanyan Ying, Ma Zouri
Directed by: Wu-Six
Shanghai Louis Studio
His name is Ma Zouri.
A scheming, conniving man.
She loved him. He made her.
"Today we make history."
"I will auction myself for the poor."
"Give it away? What's in it for me?"
He decides to murder her.
"Wanyan! President!"
His mind is made up.
"You ungrateful bitch!
I'm going to kill you!"
"Ma, let go of me!"
"You want to leave me penniless?"
"Help! Help!"
He killed her and took off.
Xiang Feitian was torn.
But he decided
he had to arrest Ma Zouri.
"I've known him since childhood.
But I have to uphold the law."
Xiang kills all prisoners
who commit crimes of passion.
Wang Tianwang
lured Ma Zouri out of hiding.
English and French detectives
jointly arrest Ma Zouri.
Ma Zouri is incarcerated.
Xiang is a genius.
A great hero, Xiang Feitian,
a promise fulfilled, and justice served.
"Xiang, please save me!"
"I am good, you are evil."
"I'm justice, you are damned."
"I will execute you personally."
Escort Nation's president
was found dead.
Murdered by her lover.
He was on the run.
But I got him after two years!
And the whole thing, incredibly...
...was filmed by Miss Wu.
All of it.
Locations! Characters! Pathos!
It's unprecedented, even in Paris!
- Unprecedented!
- It's an unprecedented feat...
...brought about solely by my efforts.
Lucky bastard,
stumbling on such good fortune.
Fortune favours the prepared.
But let me ask you, what's our plot?
- Inspector Xiang kills Ma Zouri.
- Why?
- Because he killed Wanyan Ying.
- When?
Why? How? Any witness?
If you don't show all this,
the movie is incomplete.
But it's water under the bridge.
- What to do?
- Hire a few actors.
Your mother loves cross-dressing.
- She can play Ma Zouri.
- Your mother can!
She can only play Wanyan.
She can't play a man.
- Only your mother can.
- Your mother can!
Let's talk movies.
All mothers are women.
Obviously. Obviously.
What I really appreciate
is your way of life.
A man can marry many wives,
have many kids....
Lovely! Make me Chinese!
By the way,
isn't your father marrying again?
- Ask your father.
- I'd rather not.
We must find a good actor. A star.
Wang Tianwang.
His most popular play
Executing Ma Zouri...
...sold out 1000 performances.
- And made it to the headlines.
- Ma Zouri.
Ma can play Ma Zouri.
Genius! Genius!
Leading man as murderer.
- Genius!
- Genius!
Realism is the key to a good movie.
We'll show a real man
who killed his friend...
...and the climax:
His friend shoots him for real.
Wait, what's the climax?
- Executing Ma Zouri.
- On film or for real?
- Both.
- But he is your friend.
No more than the inspector.
The law outweighs friendship.
He murdered a defenceless woman.
We must kill him!
I can't wait to see this movie.
- We'll shoot as soon as Ma Zouri arrives.
- If he is unwilling?
Leave it to Inspector Xiang.
I'm not so sure.
I'll give you an old story
that'll hook him right in.
I'm not good at telling tales.
- Memorise it!
- Attention!
- Salute!
- At ease.
Attention!
- Salute!
- At ease.
- Attention!
- Salute!
At ease.
You killed Wanyan, hid for two years.
You were free and clear.
But an actor insulted you.
So you beat him up, got arrested...
...and landed on death row.
That sounds about right.
Totally irrational.
If you saw this actor again,
would you still beat him up?
Of course!
You prefer death to insult?
You've got to come to your senses!
What's the point? I'm about to die.
Let me tell you a story...
...about facing death sensibly.
There was once a samurai in Japan...
...named Sukyohama Jr.
When he was 7,
his father got into big trouble...
...and was hunted down nationwide.
One moonless night, they showed him
a severed head and asked him:
"Is this your father?"
He shook his head, "No."
Another moonless night...
...they brought him another head.
"Is this your father?" Again the boy
said, "No, it's not my father."
One more moonless night.
One more head.
One more moonless night.
One more head.
They screamed at Sukyohama Jr.,
"Is this your father?"
He stared at it for a long time.
His face went pale
and he fell to his knees...
...stabbed himself with his own sword,
shouting, "Father...
...I'm coming with you!"
So...
...you gonna kill yourself for me?
- Ma Zouri!
- I don't need your help!
That was a classic samurai story.
About what?
About a simple-minded son?
No. A clever son...
...who saved his father.
Which of the heads was his father's?
None.
By committing suicide...
...he convinced the guards
of his father's death...
...and stopped the manhunt.
For the last two years...
...I have been executed
over and over in many plays.
- Why haven't I been saved?
- You know why?
- I don't have a son like that.
- You do.
You are Sukyohama Jr...
...and Sukyohama Sr.
Whether you can escape depends on
whether you can commit suicide.
You want me to live or die?
Be patient. People demand justice.
Act in our movie Executing Ma Zouri.
We'll show you committing the murder.
I'll pretend to shoot you on film,
but the real you...
...will live on as a Vietnamese.
Here's your new identity.
As your brother in arms...
...I am ever ready to risk my life
for you.
If you're willing, open up this envelope.
Tell Wu-Six to come and see me.
We got you a great acting coach.
Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri!
You stay true and honest,
and be a serious actor.
- Say it.
- Why?
You taught me, remember? Say it.
You stay true and honest,
and be a serious actor.
- Say it in Shanghainese.
- I don't speak it.
Stay true and honest.
Stay true and honest.
And be a serious actor.
- Actor.
- Now say it together.
Stay true and honest,
and be a serious actor.
How do you like my take
on the crime scene?
Romantic, grandiose, sentimental.
- Get changed.
- Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri!
Shut up, degenerates!
Keep cheering for a killer,
and I'll kick you out!
Hey, hey, hey!
Be nice.
- These are my friends.
- Now I get it.
- The kind of dear friends...
- I got it.
...who will pay to watch me direct.
Do you know why
you're dressed like this?
It sells tickets.
I envy you, little asshole,
starring in a movie.
My friends, what is a movie?
Film is an art form
that can be appreciated by all.
There is a saying:
"Love is a universal language."
I disagree.
Does love sell tickets?
Love is nice,
but violence makes money!
So the universal language is violence.
With that outfit,
the audience immediately gets it.
You're a violent son of a bitch.
Let's start shooting.
Get in the car, we start shooting.
Close your eyes. You're dead.
- I'm scared.
- Why?
Of him?
See all the French cops with
their guns? If he tries anything...
...he'll be shot dead in an instant! We'll
film the execution scene a day early!
- Slate!
- Executing Ma Zouri...
...Act 1, Scene 1, Take 1! Camera A!
Camera B!
- Camera C and D!
- Camera!
Start acting!
Your pacing is totally off.
Don't you remember what you've done?
Let me show you.
Just follow my instructions.
Here, open the car door!
Now pick her up.
Drag her behind the car.
Good. Good. Hurry!
Pull backward.
Lay her down.
Okay. Ma Zouri, catch!
Now chop!
Full swing. One, two...
...three. Go!
Do it!
Madam President
You had a change of heart
Okay. Excellent!
Now rape the body.
Now rape the body.
Put the chopper down first.
Move!
What's this?
Ma Zouri!
Police! French police!
Can I have a word with him, sir?
All right, you have two minutes.
Ma Zouri...
...do you have a death wish?
- Just kill me.
- Stop this macho bullshit.
Didn't Inspector Xiang explain to you?
You'll be released after the movie.
Yes, he did.
But I can't do this!
Are you afraid people will see
how evil you are?
I am not evil!
I am innocent.
Wanyan died because of me.
Have me shot, I deserve it.
But she shouldn't be humiliated.
She was a noble person.
- She had honour.
- So, what did you do...
- ...to cause her death that day?
- I can't tell you.
- Why?
- Because I don't remember!
She was very happy that day.
She asked me to say "I love you."
I didn't. She wanted me to marry her.
I wouldn't.
I gave her some opium.
I took her out for a drive.
That night the moon was...
...so big. So big.
She said:
"Let's race to the moon!"
And so we raced to the moon.
When I woke up,
the car was overturned.
She lay there.
Like she was asleep.
Take off the mask.
- No. No.
- Take it off.
- Take it off!
- No!
Ma Zouri...
...can I believe you?
Lights!
So much for our docu-drama.
Ma Zouri refuses to act.
We can still kill him on camera?
Half a masterpiece.
A half-assed masterpiece?
We're ruined.
Indeed.
- May I share a thought?
- Out with it!
Show a man's face...
...followed by a baby,
you see tenderness.
Show a man's face...
...followed by a naked woman,
it's perverse.
Show Ma Zouri's ugly mug...
...then a woman's corpse...
...the audience thinks
they saw the killing.
I love artists!
So from the audience's point of view...
- ...they've seen it all.
- Who kills Ma Zouri?
- You or me?
- A toast to Miss Wu!
- Cheers!
- Get lost.
- Who?
- All of you.
Go screw yourselves.
Why are you pissed at us?
Ma Zouri said he didn't kill anyone.
Yet here you are,
plotting his execution.
If I remember correctly,
you demanded we shoot him.
But only because
I thought he was guilty.
- Killing him is a popular demand.
- What?
The audience is never wrong, girl.
- Who are you talking to?
- I was--
Who do you think you are? Get up!
Get up!
Attention!
Sis, please. Ma Zouri isn't worth this.
If it wasn't for him...
...our father would've
made Xiang a monkey.
Out! Out! Out!
See, he acts like a monkey.
I didn't want them to eavesdrop.
You should attend the opera.
You should be hanging out with stars...
...not slumming at a police station.
Or cosying up to a male jailbird.
Has your promotion gone to your head?
- How dare you.
- Please.
We all benefited from the empire's fall.
- New power, new money.
- You're a Manchu.
Your people fell with the empire.
Hey, I'm French now. Bruno Xiang!
When Jean-Pierre is not around,
I run the French Concession.
I can kill Ma whenever I want.
You only do
what your French master says.
You said I was new power.
I'll show you new power.
I'm taking the film with me.
Nobody kills Ma.
I'll have him extradited
to the Shanghai Garrison.
So you command your father now?
Watch me.
It's a legal matter.
- Leave it to the courts.
- So our movie's dead?
And we don't get to kill Ma Zouri?
Killing Ma Zouri is up to you.
- I can't do that myself.
- Yes, you can.
Your sister may be a softie, but--
Get out! Justice is my job.
Killing Ma Zouri isn't personal.
For two years, the public has cried out.
Be a hero. Kill him for the people.
You're not killing Ma Zouri,
the people are.
I totally got it.
That's a good baby general.
Ma Zouri!
The one the public has wanted dead
for years?
- That guy?
- That's him.
He's innocent.
Have him extradited,
give him a fair trial.
That's between two countries.
- I can't decide that.
- But you have to.
Aren't you a general?
A true general
doesn't only kill who he wants.
He saves who he wishes.
Man!
Go to the French Concession...
- ...and bring that....
- Ma Zouri.
Ma Zouri. Bring him to me. Alive.
Also, don't marry
any more concubines.
- Why not?
- It's embarrassing.
The French mock
the concubine tradition.
They are just jealous!
They talk about science and democracy,
but they think like perverts.
One request a day! What will it be?
Concubine for me or Ma Zouri for you?
- Ma Zouri.
- Okay. Deal.
Sit.
Little Six...
...I'm getting old,
and you are grown up.
I want to let you in on a few secrets.
My heart will always be
in your mother's stomach.
You think I like having concubines?
Wrong! It's exhausting.
- Carry on.
- These concubines...
...are strategic assets.
If I don't marry them...
...some other warlords will. They'll
form new alliances through them...
...and threaten our power base.
I've faced death for this family.
For your future,
I'd wed all the concubines in the world.
No regrets. It's all strategy.
Are you with me?
Ma Zouri! Don't forget!
- Hello? Bonjour.
- Bonjour my ass. It's me.
My baby general.
Witnesses and evidence
are all lined up.
I've dealt with my father and sister.
How's the extradition coming?
Local and international press
are invited.
I have one concern, your sister.
She may be dragged through the mud.
What if she is? Big deal.
This is a major event.
We should film it.
Like we'll film Ma Zouri's execution.
Extradition, execution, movie.
Three birds with one stone.
You are a better strategist
than your father.
- And a better filmmaker than your sister.
- Still not as wicked as you!
- Am I wicked?
- Nasty.
Do I have the face of a villain?
Now, Ma Zouri,
he was born looking evil!
You need to look presentable
tomorrow.
Once extradited, I can at least
guarantee you'll get a fair trial.
But you have to act humble.
The press will be there.
My old man needs it to go well.
Be upbeat, but don't smile!
The extradition is a major bilateral event.
The French like to be wooed, not wowed!
Use your brain, not your mouth.
Did that hurt?
- Did it?
- Yes.
Just remember
what you can and can't say.
No bullshitting!
Let Chinese people
handle our own affairs!
Chinese criminals
should be tried by the Chinese!
Let Chinese people
handle our own affairs!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Today!
Today is history!
Today we make history!
And today, we are part of history!
"Extradition a ruse!"
"Cover-up affair
between killer and Wu-Six!"
"Personal desires sink public interest!"
You're just a sissy with a beard!
Extradition was meant
to be a show of force.
No, we've become a joke!
Your bloody wedding!
Had I known about this...
...I would've banned
all your concubines.
Teacher Qi....
Concubines come and go.
You are forever.
Tomorrow, in an interview,
I'll deny the rumours.
Moron! Denial only spreads rumours!
- What should I do?
- Sit!
Sit!
Let's play along.
You want to save Ma Zouri?
We'll execute him!
What's going on?
Why is Ma Zouri in the stable?
At least the French put him in a cell.
- Here.
- You believe this trash?
Others do!
Let them! Who cares?
Dad, at your wedding,
can you pardon all prisoners?
That's a thought. Inform the press...
...that you'll grant an amnesty...
- ...except for Ma Zouri.
- Why?
- After the wedding, he'll be executed.
- What?
Think big picture.
- You don't love him.
- Shut up!
Who's talking about love? Mother.
Please!
Dad, you promised!
Life changes like the weather.
- Get out, you two!
- Teacher Qi!
Out!
Listen to your mom.
She's the brains here.
Sweetie. Let's talk.
Come here.
Sit down. I have something
to say to you.
You are my only daughter.
In this world, I love you most.
When I was young,
I was a beauty too.
With a waist so small,
it could be broken with one hand.
Many gentlemen proposed...
...but I liked the "lost puppy" type.
- Thought I could save them.
- Was Dad a "lost puppy"?
God, no! He's just a dumb soldier!
But he won me. Why? I chose him!
He had a future. And money.
And power.
I didn't pick a man for me...
- ...but a father for you.
- Mom.
Stop guilting me.
I didn't ask to be born.
Besides, I wouldn't brag about that.
It's revolting.
It's opportunism.
No, it's the natural order!
Have you read Huxley's
Evolution and Ethics?
The Manchus were still in power. How'd
you know Dad would be a general?
- I had a vision.
- What if Ma succeeds one day?
I knew him as a child.
A bum if I have ever seen one!
Mom, have you ever been in love?
Love? A brief hormonal rush.
But I like that rush.
A moment of joy you've never known.
Please! I said the same things
to my mother.
A woman will pick one of two types:
Rich and powerful.
Or dreamy and desirable.
What's Ma Zouri?
Rich and powerful? Not really.
- Dreamy and desirable?
- I like him.
I want to help him.
I won't see him suffer.
What do you know? You're new to men.
Talk to me again...
...after you've bedded 40 of them.
My understanding...
...comes from cumulative experience!
You? With your looks? Forty men?
It's a metaphor!
Four, forty, what's the difference?
What have you done?
Slept with him?
Kissed? Held hands?
Mother. The other day, Dad said...
...concubines were tactics.
Today, you say sex is a strategy.
You're one of a kind!
Come back when you've grown up!
Murder. Captured. Extradition.
You made the front page three times.
Your execution tomorrow
will make it four.
You've charmed many ladies.
Including my sister.
I really wanted you
as my brother-in-law.
But you had to choose death.
Look at you!
A murderer's face.
Why couldn't you have
a friendly face like Xiang?
You say you're innocent?
Your face says different!
And your name, Ma, it's too short!
And now you've fallen short.
Inspector Xiang's name is powerful!
It has four letters!
Five.
Five?
- Five.
- Are you freaking kidding me?
Why correct my math
at a time like this?
I'll be delighted to watch you die,
Mr. Ma.
You've finally learned
to call me "mister."
Wu Danian, do you take
Katerina Sergejevna Ivanova...
...to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Wu Danian, do you take Katerina...
...to be your lawfully wedded wife?
- I do.
- I do.
I do.
Katerina Sergejevna Ivanova,
do you take Wu Danian...
...to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- I do.
- The rings, please.
Give her the ring.
By the power vested in me by the laws,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
By the power vested in me by the laws,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
- Kiss her.
- Kiss her.
On the lips.
Daughter!
Pay attention. This is my daughter.
We've worked up a little treat for you.
- I'm taking him with me.
- Okay.
I don't want to get you in trouble.
No trouble.
That'd be your alibi. Run!
Are you luring me somewhere
to shoot me?
If I wanted to kill you,
I'd have done it long ago.
Step on it!
Wu-Six!
Stop the car. Let's talk.
No more talking!
You have given me a lifetime of lies!
What are you saying?
I'm a revered teacher across China.
I never lied to you!
You read my diary
and expelled the boys I liked.
Well, the joke's on you!
If I hated a boy, I'd put him in my diary.
so you'd expel him!
Insolent twit, I spilled my guts to you.
Too bad!
Maybe you shouldn't have slept
with 40 men! It taught you nothing!
Your wife slept with 40 men?
Your wife!
Did you go see Ma Zouri last night?
I did go see him,
but I didn't sleep with him.
Because I love him!
Ma Zouri is garbage!
How can I shut her up?
How can I shut her up?
- You want to kill her?
- I want to silence the horn!
- Are you a good shot?
- No.
Aim at your mother!
- What if I shoot her by accident?
- She's safe.
There's another car between us.
Aim at the driver and shoot!
I hit it!
Instead of the driver,
you shot the hood off.
One, two, three!
- Is your mother still there?
- I shot the horn!
Keep shooting!
I've told you to repent.
But I'm telling you now, it's too late.
Keep shooting!
Mother, please don't move...
...I may shoot you!
Wu-Six, you're taking potshots at me?
She's still talking. Quickly!
Let's sever our ties...
...once and for all.
Mother, go ahead and kill me!
The Wu women are Valkyries!
- What does that mean?
- My bitches are tough.
I'll run off alone.
- Go apologise to your mother!
- Damn you!
What mother shoots at her daughter?
- I don't deserve you.
- Go to hell!
Save yourself!
Come back! Come back!
Come back or I'll shoot!
I'll shoot you!
Ma Zouri, wake up!
Told you not to run.
Last time I ran away,
it was because Wanyan died.
But this time, I run because
I don't want Wu-Six to be killed.
- Why'd you shoot me?
- I didn't.
Don't die.
They'll think I killed you.
Wake up!
You wouldn't have shot me, I know.
You're trying to help me. Water....
If you die, I'll kill myself.
I'll shoot myself.
Please don't.
You're not that kind of person, Wanyan.
I'm not Wanyan.
I know. You're Wu-Six.
- Wake up! We're out of gas!
- I know. Run!
- Run?
- Hurry!
- Why'd we stop?
- Out of gas.
- What do we do?
- I'll fill it up.
Wu-Six, are we going to die?
- You scared?
- I should've died long ago.
Ma Zouri, I want to die with you.
- Are you willing to die with me?
- I'm not.
You're unwilling? Why?
Wu-Six, you don't find a man
to die with him.
Live. Be happy.
Wait! Take me with you!
Why'd you wake up?
Are you a masochist or what?
I'm sorry.
But what else can I do?
Stay down.
Wu-Six, farewell.
Here's Ma Zouri!
Shoot me!
But stay back!
I kidnapped Wu-Six.
She's in there.
Why kidnap her?
Wasn't I on the run?
Where to? Here!
Don't you all want to execute Ma Zouri?
Now's the time.
Why not kill myself?
That's no way to go.
For Ma Zouri,
it's either kill or be killed.
How can I shoot myself?
Terrible aim! A breeze!
I'm sorry, Wu-Six.
And also Wu-Seven!
He stole money from his father.
Asked me to launder it.
I said, "I'll spend it all
on an international hookers' contest!"
Where'd I get all those hookers?
I made them up.
So why you gotta kill Ma Zouri?
Beats me.
Everyone believes I killed Wanyan.
Well, I did.
Here's what happened:
She became president
and wanted to marry me. I declined.
I never thought she'd die.
I would've married her if I knew.
Listen, if somebody
wants to marry you...
...don't hesitate.
Marry her!
Otherwise, it could cost two lives.
I survived, but suffered.
So, what happened...
...on that fateful night? How'd she die?
I'll come clean.
That night....
That night...
...the snow hushed the night.
The empress dowager summoned me.
She sat me down and said:
"I need your advice."
I said, "Again?"
Hey, hey! Come back here!
Just like that, I'm shot dead.
Or so I've been told.
Being dead ain't that different
from being alive.
Just wish I knew
what happened to Wu-Six.
Will someone please find out for me?
To be or not to be?
To be or not to be?
Why ask me? I'm not a prince.
Not anymore.
To be or not to be?
Not since I accidentally caused
the fall of the Ching dynasty.
I moved to Shanghai,
where everyone reinvents themselves.
I became a fixer for the rich.
A con artist.
To be or not to be?
I have a talent for telling lies.
Is it my fault everyone believes me?
My story starts when Wu-Seven...
...seventh son
of the great General Wu...
...came to me for a favour.
To be or not to be?
I am Ma Zouri.
I believe in Shanghai.
I made it here.
My father made it here.
My cousins made it here.
Anyway, here's how
I shamed Shanghai.
I've fallen for an Italian broad
who I wanted to bang.
I flew her to Shanghai.
She asked for a bowl of noodles
from Chef Huang.
I said, "Done!" I cleared the street,
booked the restaurant.
I even brought her the noodles myself.
She didn't touch them. She asked me:
"Where's the chef?"
I said, "She's gone."
Then she asked,
"And the people on the street?"
I said, "I got rid of them all."
She was furious.
She stuck her finger in my face
and said:
"You schmuck!"
Me? Wu-Seven?
Called a schmuck
by a little Italian tramp?
So the next day I sped to the airport...
...and stopped her plane on the tarmac.
I stuck my piece
in her bodyguard's face.
"Scram!"
I boarded her plane
and confronted her, "Signorina...
...I'm here with your noodles
and Chef Huang."
She tried the noodles,
"This is not wok-fresh."
I said, "What?"
"Wok-fresh!
This is the essence
of fine Chinese cooking.
Stray but 5 metres from her kitchen...
...that wok-fresh aroma is lost!
Master Wu-Seven...
...you are Chinese,
the son of a warlord.
But you know crap about wok-fresh!
Forget about me.
Forget about Rome.
To me you're nothing.
Nothing but new money."
With that she flew off to Tokyo...
...to try some Japanese udon.
I felt like a complete fool.
Even Chef Huang snickered at me.
So I asked all my advisors:
"How do I restore my dignity...
...impress this babe...
...and turn my money from new to old?"
Everyone said...
...I should come to see you...
...Ma Zouri.
Why did you take her to noodles...
...without coming to me first?
From now on,
I'll always come to you first.
You have to help me.
How?
No, that I cannot do.
- Huang doesn't deserve to die.
- Tell me.
You.... How much for a "yes"?
You have no respect for me.
You don't treat me as a friend.
You come for help
without even addressing me properly.
You called me Ma, not Mr. Ma.
Mr. Ma, I've been so upset
by this "new money."
I can't even finish spending my cash.
- How much?
- Enough to buy half of Shanghai.
Mr. Ma, help me spend it.
But with one condition:
Make me look like old money.
Do this, then name your own price.
Master Wu-Seven...
...why such disrespect?
I was once an aristocrat.
If I'd only been more careful...
- ...it wouldn't have ended.
- What ended?
Tell him. It's time for the truth.
Don't blame yourself
for the empire's demise.
I am responsible. It was a snowy eve.
The empress dowager summoned me.
"The Allies are invading," she cried.
"And the people are rebelling!
How do I save the empire?" I said:
"No big deal. Starting tomorrow...
...all men should...
...cut off their pigtails."
The empress dowager gasped.
I went on, "Show everyone...
...we nobles can be new."
The empress was delirious.
"You're my guy, Ma!
And now go. Get it done!
Tomorrow I'll issue an imperial edict."
I was so happy.
I ran all the way out of the palace.
The snow hushed the night.
I wanted to raise a toast
to the emperor. Just one drink.
But I ended up with two whole jugs.
By the time I woke up, it was already...
...the Republic!
We still cut our pigtails.
But we were forced to.
Not the same as voluntarily.
Perhaps it's karma.
Because I drank,
the Ching dynasty fell.
Because it fell,
your father became general.
Because your father
became general...
...you date girls
out of your league.
A general's son bows to you...
...in the old Manchurian way.
- I got him by the balls.
- You the man.
- Rise!
- That means "rise."
Rise!
Some day, and that day
may never come...
...I may call on you for a favour.
But before we get into that...
...let us turn your money from new...
- ...to old.
- Sounds like money laundering.
It is. Didn't I make myself clear?
Yes, you did.
I'm blowing money
from my dad's military budget...
...in the name of peace.
Noble of you.
- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
Bye.
So much money.
How we gonna spend it?
We spend it lavishly.
Shanghai, city of adventure!
The Paris of the Far East!
And now, host to the modern age's
most unusual election:
presidency of the Global Escort Nation!
That's right, once a Shanghai contest
limited only to Chinese working girls...
...for the first time, this election opened
its doors to candidates around the world.
And in cities and towns everywhere,
voters decided on their favourite:
courtesans from Canada...
...flower girls from France,
geisha from Japan...
...and American streetwalkers.
And tonight, in a grand finale...
...three finalists will compete to become
the world's First Lady of the Evening.
Every district in Shanghai
hoped to host this final election.
The French District won,
thanks to the help of Mr. Xiang...
...who happens to head
the organising committee.
The French Concession is honoured
to host the final escort election.
This honour belongs not just to the
French and Chinese, but to the world!
Sadly, this German nominee
got her paperwork in late.
She committed suicide out of despair.
But the international and
local communities in Shanghai...
...rallied to her memory, prompting
this statement from Mr. Ma Zouri...
...producer of the event:
Making the election global is
one small step for the Escort Nation...
...but one giant leap for mankind.
Can mankind be united by
a common quest for truth and beauty?
That I can't say.
What I can say is...
...it couldn't hurt.
I believe this is the future of mankind.
So let us honour these hopeful
and inspiring young leaders...
...as they ask not what service
the world can do for them...
...but how they can service the world.
Ladies and gentlemen!
- Today is history.
- Today is history.
Today is history.
- Today, we make history.
- Today, we make history.
Today, we make history.
And today, we are part of history.
- And today, we are part of history.
- And today, we are part of history.
I was told the whole world
is staying up...
- ...for our broadcast.
- That's true.
How supportive!
Let's make it worth their while.
How do we do that?
Keep it moving.
So who are the finalists?
Shangguan, the Green Dragon.
Foster, the White Tiger.
- A dragon and a tiger.
- It's astrological.
A battle of celestial bodies.
But only one super star
can shine as our president.
And the last candidate?
- Our former president.
- Who's that?
- Miss Wanyan Ying!
- Miss Wanyan Ying!
And now, a song so new
that Mr. Gershwin won't even write it...
...for another 10 years.
Miss White Tiger Foster,
as she shares with us the beauty...
...and the passion of "Summertime."
That's Wu-Six, Wu-Seven's sister.
Her dream is
to become China's Lumire.
Amazingly, tonight's footage will
wind up as China's first feature film.
The bad news?
It will be titled Executing Ma Zouri.
What a touching performance...
...about motherly love
from the American.
It'll be hard to top!
I admit there is nothing greater
than a mother's love.
Except?
Except maybe the love of a father.
So here she is! Singing Puccini...
...Miss Green Dragon.
- "O Mio Babbino Caro"!
- "O Mio Babbino Caro"!
Wanyan Ying always believed...
...she was the granddaughter
of Emperor Wanyan Aguda.
Me? I'm descended from Genghis Khan.
And just like that, Wanyan fell for me.
But I often doubt it.
We're together...
...but we're not really "together."
Wanyan has been
elected president twice.
Unfortunately, at the time,
Escort Nation...
...was just a brothel in Shanghai.
Now she has to defend her title...
...against an international field:
White Tiger from America...
...and Green Dragon from Europe.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Our global broadcast
has the world buzzing!
We've received over 2300 telegrams.
From England, France, Austria...
- ...Japan, Russia.
- How can we pick one?
Without offending the others.
- We'll pick from a country.
- Smaller units.
- You mean families?
- Smaller.
An individual? Too many of those.
- So pick the most miserable.
- Like this one.
It's from Private Olgakov of Ukraine.
"Cease-fire reached with the enemy.
Awaiting Wanyan's appearance.
If she doesn't show...
...all hell will break loose."
- What does that mean?
- It means...
...if Madam President
doesn't show up...
...Ukraine will burn.
Madam President!
Stop fighting. Can you hear me?
- They can't reply.
- It's a live broadcast!
But not a phone call.
Perhaps they'll cable.
Hurry up, war's about to start again!
Why must men always fight?
You all deserve a good spanking!
Man needs woman's love.
Just like a child needs its mother.
Men, give up your arms...
...and return to the arms
of your women!
Let's be content as women.
Let's not fight like men.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Green Dragon...
...and White Tiger...
...all have such beautiful moves.
I didn't want to step on their moments.
But now I've done it.
No, no, keep going!
In your opinion, what should we do?
Take less. Give more.
Giving makes one happy.
Giving blesses the world.
- Why not give a little yourself?
- A little? How about I give it all?
All my possessions.
Jewellery, clothing, car, property.
Everything.
- To who?
- To babies...
...who need milk.
To the poor who need homes.
To the old who need care.
I have money, and so do you.
To hell with middlemen!
I'll give directly. All!
Hold it, please!
I've just decided
I'll also donate myself.
My past, my present and my future.
Look at you!
I'm auctioning my virginity.
For 30 nights.
The bidding will start soon.
Please be generous!
All proceeds will be donated.
I won't keep a dime.
What did you say you'll auction off?
My virginity.
Funny, right?
A working girl speaking of virginity?
As the saying goes, the past is dead.
The future is unknown.
Like the sunrise or a newborn...
...like the dew or our new world...
...we greet each morning reborn.
Each night can also be a first.
The secret to love?
Treat each time like the first time!
Wanyan! Wanyan!
According to our charter,
whoever gets the loudest cheers...
...will be the next president.
And now...
...Green Dragon and White Tiger.
- On stage, please!
- On stage, please!
Who votes for Miss White Tiger?
Wanyan! Wanyan!
- What about Green Dragon?
- Wanyan! Wanyan! Wanyan!
Just as we planned,
Wanyan became...
...the president of Escort Nation.
We thought the story would end here.
But stories, like life, get out of control.
Good news!
Telegram from the Ukrainian front!
Permanent cease-fire.
- Cease-fire!
- Cease-fire!
Wanyan! Wanyan! Wanyan!
- Listeners!
- Honoured guests!
Prepare yourselves
for the biggest, the boldest surprise.
Who will crown the new president?
A glittering star.
A living legend. She is....
Madam Sai.
- Jin.
- Hua.
History calls her
the Joan of Arc of China.
Alone, she faced the Allied armies...
...and their horny German commander.
She is Madam Sai.
Super siren!
Dearest friends...
...the eyes of the world
are upon you.
So open your chequebooks
and be generous to your new president.
The crowning of Miss Wanyan...
...will conclude our auction.
We succeeded.
Master Wu-Seven's money
became clean.
In fact, we cleaned him out.
We spent it all.
Every last dime.
Miss! Miss!
Miss! One more thing.
- Yes?
- I don't get it.
You didn't eat or drink,
you even brought your own bed.
- Now you even refuse a tip?
- Grandpa...
...I did it for charity.
Miss! Miss!
This is my mother's ring.
I never married,
so I want you to have it.
Please, your bid was payment enough.
At my age, I thought I'd seen it all.
Life had lost its lustre.
But now...
...you just showed me
what I've missed out on.
You have re-lit the fire within me.
That's why I'm here.
To rekindle your fire.
Can I have your number?
Give him my card.
Grandpa, here's my card. Call me.
Grandpa, keep your fire lit.
I'll hold a torch for you.
Forget me not!
- Next stop.
- Joseph's place.
Lafayette, B1389.
I thought our next appointment
was with Mr. Liu.
Mr. Liu won the bid originally...
...but he gifted her to Joseph.
He can't do that! Gift her away!
We can't be picky.
We must reward every bidder.
The world watches.
- Where to, which road?
- Lafayette, B1389.
It's right here.
In Red Chamber, it's written:
"When the fake is taken to be real...
...the real often becomes fake."
Wanyan really believes
she's president now.
Awashed in platonic love...
...she treats me like a lowly driver.
I drive her from "charity" to "charity."
I try to wake her up...
...but she's lost in her dream.
What a mess!
We're heading for trouble.
Shuwan Gou,
I thought we were going to Joseph's.
This is Zhu-Three's place.
Joseph is Zhu-Three!
Really?
I know a Zhu-Three. I hate him.
- Hope it's not the same guy.
- Same guy.
Then it's your fault. If I knew...
...I wouldn't have brought her here.
Wanyan said we shouldn't be picky.
The whole world is watching us.
She's acting presidential.
Joseph or Zhu-Three,
we have to treat them equally.
She's a pro. I respect her.
Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri!
No! Oh, no! Ma Zouri!
I thought we were friends!
Peking, Shanghai, Paris.
I've been to all their best restaurants.
On several occasions...
...the restaurant had but one table.
And I was the only guest.
It must be a thing with you men.
Come.
This is the highest building
in Shanghai.
Just opened today.
I took over the restaurant.
Got the best Italian chef.
- Just for you.
- Thanks.
On my 8th birthday, I made a wish.
If one day a man would fight for me,
I'd marry him.
Just 8 years old?
I waited until my 18th birthday.
And then my 28th.
I lost hope.
Will I be waiting at 38?
Finally...
...when I least expected it...
...he appeared.
He's you.
Impossible.
You beat up Joseph for me,
out of jealousy.
Me, jealous of him?
Because you love me.
You and I have been friends
for 30 years.
That long?
- And we've been intimate.
- Exactly.
And you got so jealous,
you beat up Joseph...
...your good friend. That's love.
I beat him up because he's an ass.
He's a copycat.
He copies everything I do.
- If I date a plump girl--
- Excuse me.
Thank you.
Have you ever said, "I love you"?
Baby, I love you.
Speak Chinese.
- Love you. I.
- Who loves?
- Who do you love? Say the whole thing.
- You.
- I lovest thee.
- "Thee"? So formal.
Because I respect you.
I don't want you to respect me,
I want you to love me!
Off-the-shoulder!
- Sweetheart neckline.
- Oh, my!
- Strapless, high waist!
- Look at that!
Mermaid tail.
Look at the leggings!
Looks like pants to me.
How many times do you plan
to be married?
Whenever I see a gown I like...
...I buy it.
I've been collecting for years.
- Pretty, right?
- You're prettier the other way.
- What do you mean? Pig!
- Naked.
Can't get married without a dress.
- Just who will you marry?
- You.
Shuwan Gou! Shuwan Gou!
Shuwan Gou!
- What do you want with her?
- I want her to save me.
Why save you?
My assistant saves only me.
Just ignore him!
You're acting strange today.
Accusing me of being jealous.
Telling me to say "I love you."
Now ordering me to marry you.
That's three giant steps in one day.
- Let's make love.
- We just did.
My mother comes in two days.
We'll marry then. A Western wedding.
Why Western?
I love it when the couple stands there
and says:
- "I do."
- You even know what "I do" means?
I love thee.
Wrong. That's not what it means.
You know how the English say,
"How do you do"?
What does the "do" mean?
It means to force it, to push,
to doo-doo.
When an Englishman wakes up...
...he trots to the bathroom
and takes care of business.
It makes him feel noble.
When a friend asks him,
"How do you do?"...
...what does "do" mean? It means,
"Did you take a noble dump?"
- It's all about poo-poo.
- Yes...
...it's about making doo-doo!
Don't laugh. If you don't do it regularly,
your brain will explode.
It killed Caesar, Nero and George II.
So.... Why would you say "do"
at a wedding?
"We are gathered here to do...."
Everybody'll shit themselves.
I see.
But I still want a Western wedding.
I'm going to say "I do"
and so will you.
- Stop pinching me!
- Say it!
No!
- I can pinch you back. Cry out.
- Say "I do."
- I'm going to hurt you.
- Just say it!
- This doesn't hurt?
- Say "I do."
Why aren't you crying? You're bruised.
You can hurt me all you want...
- ...but you'll marry me.
- But I don't want either.
What do you have against marriage?
It's a serious business.
You don't want to marry
someone like me.
- Why not?
- Well, I'm still a child.
You are too old to be a child,
and too hung.
I'm too hung up to settle down.
Afraid of responsibility?
Fine. I'll take charge.
I proposed, didn't I?
I'll arrange everything.
I'm just begging you to say "I do"!
Since we're old friends,
I'll do you this favour.
We've pulled many scams before.
Is that what this is to you?
- I thought you wanted to fool your mom?
- No!
- So whose mother are we fooling?
- Yours!
You fraud!
Wait, is that a gun?
I was just kidding.
What's with the gun?
Do you even know how to use it?
I'll shoot you and then I'll shoot myself.
Then I'll marry you in hell.
Why are you still
acting like a princess?
- China's now a republic.
- Couldn't care less.
- Have I ever begged?
- No.
- Have I ever grovelled?
- Definitely not.
I was elected president
because I played my part perfectly.
Indeed you did. You were perfect.
Now I just want you to love me
and marry me.
- But you turned me down.
- No, I didn't.
I care for you.
I think you're wonderful.
You don't need to marry me.
I am already yours.
If you don't marry me,
I don't want to live.
Our hearts should be as one.
That's not where the heart is.
It's here.
Pull the trigger!
What if the gun was loaded?
You'd be dead.
Come on!
Don't threaten me again
with a fake gun.
It's loaded.
In my previous life...
...I must have owed you bigtime.
Otherwise, why would I...
...put up with you?
In our previous lives,
we must have been...
...two eyeballs on the same face.
We were born as a pair.
But destined never to see each other.
So which one of us was the left eye?
Take your pick.
You can be the left, I'll be the right.
- I was the right.
- Then I was the left.
So close, but never to meet...
...that's sad.
What if we were cross-eyed?
You must have a really flat nose...
...for the right to see the left!
No way.
One could never see the other.
So sad.
I know how they could meet.
Pluck one eyeball out...
...then they can see eye-to-eye.
- No!
- Then what?
- A snail! Eyes on a snail!
- A snail?
- A snail has eyes like this.
- About this high!
It can even see behind itself.
We're eye-crossed lovers!
- Or we could be two waves.
- Waves?
I'll forever be chasing after you.
- Do you want to steer our boat?
- I do.
- Where are we going now?
- Wherever you say.
- I don't want to go anywhere.
- I do.
We don't want to go anywhere!
Why so fast
if we're not going anywhere?
We have to go fast to be nowhere.
- Take me home.
- I do.
We are home!
- Is this home?
- It is.
Home is wherever you are.
- Lights!
- I do. Lights!
Too bright.
I'll turn them off.
Aim! Fire!
Look at that!
Are you singing?
I'll bring down the brightest lantern
for you.
Stop! You'll scare my friends!
The man in the moon?
No, the rabbit!
I can see his ears.
If you see his ears, then he's close by.
Too close.
Look at him! Making a mess.
- He's making medicine.
- He's a dirty rabbit.
- A dust bunny!
- Let's go sweep the dust!
Then the moon will shine bright
in the day.
Let's go!
- So, what's this medicine for?
- Immortality.
Perfect. Let's go.
Let's live forever!
Who else is up there?
- The woman in the moon.
- What about her man?
- He couldn't commit.
- Then kick him out!
It'll just be her, the rabbit, me and you.
- You'll marry me, then?
- I'll marry you all.
- No, just me.
- "I do."
Never smoke opium.
Never!
It's what killed Wanyan.
If I knew...
...that love would have kept you alive!
Why didn't I confess sooner?
What should I do now?
I run.
No one will believe
what happened here.
I don't remember myself.
Who can I turn to?
Wu-Six.
Her dad is a warlord.
And her mom
was my beloved grade-school teacher.
- Name?
- Ma Zouri.
Business?
- Looking for Wu-Six. Seven.
- Who?
- Six or Seven?
- Six, I guess.
This way!
Sit!
Read!
Escort Nation President found
Miss Wu-Six will see you now!
We're taking the train
to film the sunset.
Perfect, I can help.
I made films in France.
"A train arrives."
"Another train arrives."
- Say something in French.
- Yes, very good.
Cheese.
At Siruiying Elementary,
I mastered six languages.
My mother taught there.
- What's her name?
- Qi.
My 3rd grade teacher!
Your mother was quite a looker.
Every boy's fantasy.
She enlightened us in many ways.
What'd you do in France?
I was in love...
...and followed this girl home...
...to Loch Lomond.
We sat on its bonny banks...
- ...watching the sun rise and set.
- What happened?
The war started.
I told her, "Wait at the lake.
If I die,
my soul will take the high road...
...and you'll take the low road.
And I'll be home before ye."
Isn't that a Scottish song?
- They sing of me there too?
- You know...
...that you die in that song?
Well, I almost died.
A cannonball exploded near me.
I survived, but I lost my leg.
Lost your leg?
They gave me a wooden one.
Can't tell which one it is, right?
Of course I can!
You kicked me in the good leg!
That one hurts even more.
Wu-Six broke my leg.
She actually broke them both.
She doesn't like show-offs.
They went on to film the sunset
without me.
If only I'd gone with her....
You startled me.
It's been a while. You've aged.
- Really?
- Yes.
You look like a teacher
in those glasses.
I borrowed these, for a disguise.
What have you done?
Is that why you came to see me?
Actually, I hate to trouble you, but....
Trouble me or your Teacher Qi?
- Is she here?
- Xiao Qiang!
Take Mr. Ma to see his Teacher Qi.
Is that a robot?
- Did you build it?
- I'm still monkeying with it.
Oh, destiny, changeable like the moon.
Is that really you,
my beloved Teacher Qi?
Siruiying Elementary, right?
- You recognise me?
- At Siruiying Elementary...
...I was Teacher Qi.
At Yijing High, I was Madam Qi.
At Peking College, I was Principal Qi.
That's how I know your school.
But I can't place you.
- It's Ma Zouri.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
I went by my Manchurian name.
- I sat in the last row.
- Never mind.
- What can I do for you?
- Dear Teacher Qi, I humbly bid you--
What's with "dear teacher"?
- Tell her.
- I was about to.
Mother, he said you were his lover...
...in his dreams.
He said you awoke him.
- Carnally.
- I don't recall saying that.
- Years ago in the train.
- You desired me?
- Sorry.
- Don't be shy.
Few students admit it.
You're the first. You're blushing.
- Disaster!
- Cut the drama!
The old dog is mad.
- He bites the puppy.
- What's going on?
She calls our husband the old dog
and her son a puppy.
- Your son-in-law?
- No, no!
- Why are you holding hands?
- He was my student.
- Prepare dinner.
- Yes, ma'am!
Tell the kitchen, one guest.
- Military songs tonight?
- Always!
Washroom?
Here, here, here again and behind.
All ways lead to a toilet.
- How about I show you?
- You come with me.
- I'll find it. Yes.
- You sure?
Will you ever grow up?
Ma Zouri, time to grovel.
Cat got your tongue?
Am I ashamed to ask for help?
No shame! No shame!
- Who's there?
- It's me, Feitian.
- Help me, Zouri.
- Is that really you?
- What's going on?
- Don't pull, that's a horse bit.
- Horse bit?
- There's a saddle on my back.
Who did this to you?
- General Wu. He said...
- Why?
...I'm not fit to be human.
- He's devolving me into a monkey.
- A monkey?
But you're in the stable.
I'm starting as a horse.
You really offended him.
What'd you do?
Wu-Seven took me out.
His father caught us.
- Whoring?
- What else?
All this for...?
- We screwed Daddy's whores.
- No!
You see that clock?
At midnight...
...he sics those stallions on me.
What? No way!
I don't envy you.
I don't think I can take it.
- I'll unhook you.
- Don't! If I run...
...he'll kill me.
Ask Wu-Six to call off her dad.
Save me, brother.
Charm her.
What time is it?
- 11:37.
- Twenty-three minutes left for salvation.
- If I can't?
- I'll be double horse-fucked!
All rise! Sing!
We know what we know
No pretending, none at all
If we don't know, we say so
No pretending, none at all
Always honest, that's our thing
No pretending, none at all
Confucius gave us these words to sing
No pretending at all, none at all
No pretending at all!
No pretending. Period!
- Sit!
- Sit!
- Who the hell is he?
- I'm me.
Are you my son?
Which one is your mother?
- My Teacher Qi.
- Not a son-in-law?
He was my student.
He sees me as a parent.
Get those two bastards in here!
You know what Seven's problem is?
He spends everything
and screws everyone!
- My military budget?
- Spent it on whores.
- My poor puppy!
- Mom...
...stop crying! I'm not dead!
The money was for my cadet school!
The U.S. has West Point.
China needs East Point!
You just want exotic concubines.
I'm fitter than you think!
I want my soldiers to be fit too.
But these two assholes--
Spent money meant for men...
- ...on women.
- That's right.
- He's got it.
- General...
...you are a man of vision.
If I were younger...
...I'd follow you into battle.
Other generals spend money
on weapons.
You spend it on people.
You should be angry.
Those assholes deserve to be shot.
Bring me the horse!
Horse-screw them! Then shoot them.
Hold it, sir!
Money isn't the only way
to make our soldiers strong.
- What can we do without money?
- Science!
Science is for improving weapons,
not human beings.
It can also improve the human body.
Don't believe me? I'll prove it.
Can you touch the floor?
- I know I can't.
- Do as I say...
...and you'll be able to immediately.
Don't bullshit me.
Or you'll be horse-hammered...
- ...and shot.
- Let's try something else.
- No need. Go for it!
- Let's do this.
Get up!
- Show me!
- Everybody ready?
- Are you all game?
- Of course.
Raise your hands.
Straighten your legs.
Lower your hands slowly.
- Can you touch the floor?
- No.
That's right. Now follow me.
- Just do this 20 times.
- Begin!
One, two, three, four....
The moment of truth.
Raise your hands.
Reach for the sun. And the moon.
For the stars. For the ocean.
Deep into the ocean.
- I did it!
- Stretching adds years...
- ...to life.
- From now on, we sing before dinner...
...and touch toes afterwards.
But you can touch something else.
Your face.
- What do you feel?
- My beard.
No, your smile.
The smile of a child.
I bet you haven't smiled like this
in 40 years.
You son of a bitch,
you haven't smiled at me for ages.
I am smiling.
Let me reward you!
- No need.
- I insist. I owe nobody.
- Must I? Let these two go.
- You must.
Shut up!
My general...
...please let them go.
I've never been so humiliated.
That'll teach you...
- ...for being my brother's buddy.
- Yes...
...he is wicked.
Most murder victims
are killed by buddies.
Ma Zouri is your buddy.
But he just saved your ass.
Me?
Your father wasn't really
going to hurt them.
He just needed an excuse to let you go.
But you kept the horse out of my bed.
In spite of his bullshit, Ma's true blue.
Miss Wu-Six, be my witness.
Should Ma come to me one day...
- ...I'll die a thousand times to help him.
- Thanks.
Thanks for the ride. And my life.
- Your hat!
- Hey, your hat!
About that stallion...
...please tell no one.
Least of all my French bosses.
Relax. See you.
Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri!
You're wanted for murder!
You're acting kind of weird.
- Weird?
- Something's bothering you.
No. I'm fine.
- You sure?
- Of course.
If you have a problem, come tell me.
I can't. Your father would shoot me.
Miss Wu treated me nicely that day.
She kept asking if she could help me.
I kept insisting I was fine.
How could I be fine?
They think I'm a murderer now.
I don't understand.
Why was I so free with Wanyan...
...but so nervous...
...and tongue-tied around Wu-Six?
The old Peking crowd is upstairs.
- Wanna join us?
- I'll park the car.
- See you upstairs.
- Okay.
- Sir. Yes, sir.
- Give the key to that lady.
- And money for you. Thanks.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Want a ride?
Where to?
That's too much.
- You hop on.
- But this is not proper.
Does this count as being unselfish?
I went to the general to save my life.
Instead, I saved Xiang's life
by accident.
Xiang's evolved back into a human.
But he's coming after me now.
Is he being ungrateful?
I can't blame him really.
Everyone needs help at some point.
But no one wants to be
reminded of it afterwards.
For years, I eluded his grasp.
He started arresting innocent men
for crimes of passion...
...they didn't commit.
That's how he made
a name for himself...
...and became Shanghai's...
...top Chinese detective.
As for me, I have to keep running.
As time passes...
...I don't even know who I am anymore.
Hey, friend.
Where can I find some Peking opera?
No Peking opera, Shanghai opera.
Shanghai? No, no. Peking opera.
Ma Zouri.
- The play about him, you mean?
- Ma Zouri.
- Only Shanghai opera.
- Executing Ma Zouri.
Wanyan, Wanyan...
...you ungrateful slut!
You had it coming.
She's Wanyan, the whore.
I'm Ma Zouri, the son of a bitch.
We're a pair of deviants.
When she became president,
she stopped giving me cash.
And stopped giving me ass.
I've no more use for her.
So don't blame me for going psycho.
I'm just doing God's work!
Oh, no, the ditch is too small.
Can't find a shovel.
Can't modify the ditch.
So I'll have to modify the bitch.
- Which one should I use?
- The big one!
The big one!
Madam President
You had a change of heart
So I ripped you apart
Now you are la carte
Hey, who are you?
They said you waited for me all night.
I would've waited a year
to get an audience with you.
- Autograph?
- No.
I've been asked to deliver something
to you.
- From who?
- Ma Zouri.
His cousin.
Is that so?
Oh, my, this is too much.
Drinks, please.
Besides the gold coins,
did his cousin...?
- Tea, sir.
- Thanks.
- What else did he want?
- He asked me...
...to relay three messages.
- Go ahead.
- The first one is, he hopes...
...you stay honest...
- ...and be a serious actor.
- That goes without saying. Number 2?
The second message is...
...he hopes that you...
...stop performing Executing Ma Zouri.
- Why?
- Because...
...it's not good for Ma Zouri.
And it's certainly not good for you.
- And the third?
- The third message is.... Got it?
I meant the cousin's third message.
That is the third message: Got it?
Ma's cousin....
What's he do for a living?
This cousin?
His cousin.... Everything.
And nothing. He's a fixer.
An enforcer.
He doesn't ask twice.
Yesterday, I was threatened
by someone.
I was offered a bribe
to stop acting in this show.
I want to hear from you.
Should I keep acting?
- Yes!
- And should I slice and dice?
- Slice! Dice!
- Which knife should I use?
The big one!
No need for these!
And after I cut her up?
Rape and kill!
Today, I will kill, but not rape.
Tomorrow, I will rape, but not kill.
And the day after tomorrow,
I'll rape and kill.
So to see it all...
...you have to come
three days in a row.
Madam President
You had a change of heart
XIANG FEITIAN EXECUTES MA ZOURI!
Starring: Xiang Feitian,
Wanyan Ying, Ma Zouri
Directed by: Wu-Six
Shanghai Louis Studio
His name is Ma Zouri.
A scheming, conniving man.
She loved him. He made her.
"Today we make history."
"I will auction myself for the poor."
"Give it away? What's in it for me?"
He decides to murder her.
"Wanyan! President!"
His mind is made up.
"You ungrateful bitch!
I'm going to kill you!"
"Ma, let go of me!"
"You want to leave me penniless?"
"Help! Help!"
He killed her and took off.
Xiang Feitian was torn.
But he decided
he had to arrest Ma Zouri.
"I've known him since childhood.
But I have to uphold the law."
Xiang kills all prisoners
who commit crimes of passion.
Wang Tianwang
lured Ma Zouri out of hiding.
English and French detectives
jointly arrest Ma Zouri.
Ma Zouri is incarcerated.
Xiang is a genius.
A great hero, Xiang Feitian,
a promise fulfilled, and justice served.
"Xiang, please save me!"
"I am good, you are evil."
"I'm justice, you are damned."
"I will execute you personally."
Escort Nation's president
was found dead.
Murdered by her lover.
He was on the run.
But I got him after two years!
And the whole thing, incredibly...
...was filmed by Miss Wu.
All of it.
Locations! Characters! Pathos!
It's unprecedented, even in Paris!
- Unprecedented!
- It's an unprecedented feat...
...brought about solely by my efforts.
Lucky bastard,
stumbling on such good fortune.
Fortune favours the prepared.
But let me ask you, what's our plot?
- Inspector Xiang kills Ma Zouri.
- Why?
- Because he killed Wanyan Ying.
- When?
Why? How? Any witness?
If you don't show all this,
the movie is incomplete.
But it's water under the bridge.
- What to do?
- Hire a few actors.
Your mother loves cross-dressing.
- She can play Ma Zouri.
- Your mother can!
She can only play Wanyan.
She can't play a man.
- Only your mother can.
- Your mother can!
Let's talk movies.
All mothers are women.
Obviously. Obviously.
What I really appreciate
is your way of life.
A man can marry many wives,
have many kids....
Lovely! Make me Chinese!
By the way,
isn't your father marrying again?
- Ask your father.
- I'd rather not.
We must find a good actor. A star.
Wang Tianwang.
His most popular play
Executing Ma Zouri...
...sold out 1000 performances.
- And made it to the headlines.
- Ma Zouri.
Ma can play Ma Zouri.
Genius! Genius!
Leading man as murderer.
- Genius!
- Genius!
Realism is the key to a good movie.
We'll show a real man
who killed his friend...
...and the climax:
His friend shoots him for real.
Wait, what's the climax?
- Executing Ma Zouri.
- On film or for real?
- Both.
- But he is your friend.
No more than the inspector.
The law outweighs friendship.
He murdered a defenceless woman.
We must kill him!
I can't wait to see this movie.
- We'll shoot as soon as Ma Zouri arrives.
- If he is unwilling?
Leave it to Inspector Xiang.
I'm not so sure.
I'll give you an old story
that'll hook him right in.
I'm not good at telling tales.
- Memorise it!
- Attention!
- Salute!
- At ease.
Attention!
- Salute!
- At ease.
- Attention!
- Salute!
At ease.
You killed Wanyan, hid for two years.
You were free and clear.
But an actor insulted you.
So you beat him up, got arrested...
...and landed on death row.
That sounds about right.
Totally irrational.
If you saw this actor again,
would you still beat him up?
Of course!
You prefer death to insult?
You've got to come to your senses!
What's the point? I'm about to die.
Let me tell you a story...
...about facing death sensibly.
There was once a samurai in Japan...
...named Sukyohama Jr.
When he was 7,
his father got into big trouble...
...and was hunted down nationwide.
One moonless night, they showed him
a severed head and asked him:
"Is this your father?"
He shook his head, "No."
Another moonless night...
...they brought him another head.
"Is this your father?" Again the boy
said, "No, it's not my father."
One more moonless night.
One more head.
One more moonless night.
One more head.
They screamed at Sukyohama Jr.,
"Is this your father?"
He stared at it for a long time.
His face went pale
and he fell to his knees...
...stabbed himself with his own sword,
shouting, "Father...
...I'm coming with you!"
So...
...you gonna kill yourself for me?
- Ma Zouri!
- I don't need your help!
That was a classic samurai story.
About what?
About a simple-minded son?
No. A clever son...
...who saved his father.
Which of the heads was his father's?
None.
By committing suicide...
...he convinced the guards
of his father's death...
...and stopped the manhunt.
For the last two years...
...I have been executed
over and over in many plays.
- Why haven't I been saved?
- You know why?
- I don't have a son like that.
- You do.
You are Sukyohama Jr...
...and Sukyohama Sr.
Whether you can escape depends on
whether you can commit suicide.
You want me to live or die?
Be patient. People demand justice.
Act in our movie Executing Ma Zouri.
We'll show you committing the murder.
I'll pretend to shoot you on film,
but the real you...
...will live on as a Vietnamese.
Here's your new identity.
As your brother in arms...
...I am ever ready to risk my life
for you.
If you're willing, open up this envelope.
Tell Wu-Six to come and see me.
We got you a great acting coach.
Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri!
You stay true and honest,
and be a serious actor.
- Say it.
- Why?
You taught me, remember? Say it.
You stay true and honest,
and be a serious actor.
- Say it in Shanghainese.
- I don't speak it.
Stay true and honest.
Stay true and honest.
And be a serious actor.
- Actor.
- Now say it together.
Stay true and honest,
and be a serious actor.
How do you like my take
on the crime scene?
Romantic, grandiose, sentimental.
- Get changed.
- Ma Zouri! Ma Zouri!
Shut up, degenerates!
Keep cheering for a killer,
and I'll kick you out!
Hey, hey, hey!
Be nice.
- These are my friends.
- Now I get it.
- The kind of dear friends...
- I got it.
...who will pay to watch me direct.
Do you know why
you're dressed like this?
It sells tickets.
I envy you, little asshole,
starring in a movie.
My friends, what is a movie?
Film is an art form
that can be appreciated by all.
There is a saying:
"Love is a universal language."
I disagree.
Does love sell tickets?
Love is nice,
but violence makes money!
So the universal language is violence.
With that outfit,
the audience immediately gets it.
You're a violent son of a bitch.
Let's start shooting.
Get in the car, we start shooting.
Close your eyes. You're dead.
- I'm scared.
- Why?
Of him?
See all the French cops with
their guns? If he tries anything...
...he'll be shot dead in an instant! We'll
film the execution scene a day early!
- Slate!
- Executing Ma Zouri...
...Act 1, Scene 1, Take 1! Camera A!
Camera B!
- Camera C and D!
- Camera!
Start acting!
Your pacing is totally off.
Don't you remember what you've done?
Let me show you.
Just follow my instructions.
Here, open the car door!
Now pick her up.
Drag her behind the car.
Good. Good. Hurry!
Pull backward.
Lay her down.
Okay. Ma Zouri, catch!
Now chop!
Full swing. One, two...
...three. Go!
Do it!
Madam President
You had a change of heart
Okay. Excellent!
Now rape the body.
Now rape the body.
Put the chopper down first.
Move!
What's this?
Ma Zouri!
Police! French police!
Can I have a word with him, sir?
All right, you have two minutes.
Ma Zouri...
...do you have a death wish?
- Just kill me.
- Stop this macho bullshit.
Didn't Inspector Xiang explain to you?
You'll be released after the movie.
Yes, he did.
But I can't do this!
Are you afraid people will see
how evil you are?
I am not evil!
I am innocent.
Wanyan died because of me.
Have me shot, I deserve it.
But she shouldn't be humiliated.
She was a noble person.
- She had honour.
- So, what did you do...
- ...to cause her death that day?
- I can't tell you.
- Why?
- Because I don't remember!
She was very happy that day.
She asked me to say "I love you."
I didn't. She wanted me to marry her.
I wouldn't.
I gave her some opium.
I took her out for a drive.
That night the moon was...
...so big. So big.
She said:
"Let's race to the moon!"
And so we raced to the moon.
When I woke up,
the car was overturned.
She lay there.
Like she was asleep.
Take off the mask.
- No. No.
- Take it off.
- Take it off!
- No!
Ma Zouri...
...can I believe you?
Lights!
So much for our docu-drama.
Ma Zouri refuses to act.
We can still kill him on camera?
Half a masterpiece.
A half-assed masterpiece?
We're ruined.
Indeed.
- May I share a thought?
- Out with it!
Show a man's face...
...followed by a baby,
you see tenderness.
Show a man's face...
...followed by a naked woman,
it's perverse.
Show Ma Zouri's ugly mug...
...then a woman's corpse...
...the audience thinks
they saw the killing.
I love artists!
So from the audience's point of view...
- ...they've seen it all.
- Who kills Ma Zouri?
- You or me?
- A toast to Miss Wu!
- Cheers!
- Get lost.
- Who?
- All of you.
Go screw yourselves.
Why are you pissed at us?
Ma Zouri said he didn't kill anyone.
Yet here you are,
plotting his execution.
If I remember correctly,
you demanded we shoot him.
But only because
I thought he was guilty.
- Killing him is a popular demand.
- What?
The audience is never wrong, girl.
- Who are you talking to?
- I was--
Who do you think you are? Get up!
Get up!
Attention!
Sis, please. Ma Zouri isn't worth this.
If it wasn't for him...
...our father would've
made Xiang a monkey.
Out! Out! Out!
See, he acts like a monkey.
I didn't want them to eavesdrop.
You should attend the opera.
You should be hanging out with stars...
...not slumming at a police station.
Or cosying up to a male jailbird.
Has your promotion gone to your head?
- How dare you.
- Please.
We all benefited from the empire's fall.
- New power, new money.
- You're a Manchu.
Your people fell with the empire.
Hey, I'm French now. Bruno Xiang!
When Jean-Pierre is not around,
I run the French Concession.
I can kill Ma whenever I want.
You only do
what your French master says.
You said I was new power.
I'll show you new power.
I'm taking the film with me.
Nobody kills Ma.
I'll have him extradited
to the Shanghai Garrison.
So you command your father now?
Watch me.
It's a legal matter.
- Leave it to the courts.
- So our movie's dead?
And we don't get to kill Ma Zouri?
Killing Ma Zouri is up to you.
- I can't do that myself.
- Yes, you can.
Your sister may be a softie, but--
Get out! Justice is my job.
Killing Ma Zouri isn't personal.
For two years, the public has cried out.
Be a hero. Kill him for the people.
You're not killing Ma Zouri,
the people are.
I totally got it.
That's a good baby general.
Ma Zouri!
The one the public has wanted dead
for years?
- That guy?
- That's him.
He's innocent.
Have him extradited,
give him a fair trial.
That's between two countries.
- I can't decide that.
- But you have to.
Aren't you a general?
A true general
doesn't only kill who he wants.
He saves who he wishes.
Man!
Go to the French Concession...
- ...and bring that....
- Ma Zouri.
Ma Zouri. Bring him to me. Alive.
Also, don't marry
any more concubines.
- Why not?
- It's embarrassing.
The French mock
the concubine tradition.
They are just jealous!
They talk about science and democracy,
but they think like perverts.
One request a day! What will it be?
Concubine for me or Ma Zouri for you?
- Ma Zouri.
- Okay. Deal.
Sit.
Little Six...
...I'm getting old,
and you are grown up.
I want to let you in on a few secrets.
My heart will always be
in your mother's stomach.
You think I like having concubines?
Wrong! It's exhausting.
- Carry on.
- These concubines...
...are strategic assets.
If I don't marry them...
...some other warlords will. They'll
form new alliances through them...
...and threaten our power base.
I've faced death for this family.
For your future,
I'd wed all the concubines in the world.
No regrets. It's all strategy.
Are you with me?
Ma Zouri! Don't forget!
- Hello? Bonjour.
- Bonjour my ass. It's me.
My baby general.
Witnesses and evidence
are all lined up.
I've dealt with my father and sister.
How's the extradition coming?
Local and international press
are invited.
I have one concern, your sister.
She may be dragged through the mud.
What if she is? Big deal.
This is a major event.
We should film it.
Like we'll film Ma Zouri's execution.
Extradition, execution, movie.
Three birds with one stone.
You are a better strategist
than your father.
- And a better filmmaker than your sister.
- Still not as wicked as you!
- Am I wicked?
- Nasty.
Do I have the face of a villain?
Now, Ma Zouri,
he was born looking evil!
You need to look presentable
tomorrow.
Once extradited, I can at least
guarantee you'll get a fair trial.
But you have to act humble.
The press will be there.
My old man needs it to go well.
Be upbeat, but don't smile!
The extradition is a major bilateral event.
The French like to be wooed, not wowed!
Use your brain, not your mouth.
Did that hurt?
- Did it?
- Yes.
Just remember
what you can and can't say.
No bullshitting!
Let Chinese people
handle our own affairs!
Chinese criminals
should be tried by the Chinese!
Let Chinese people
handle our own affairs!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Today!
Today is history!
Today we make history!
And today, we are part of history!
"Extradition a ruse!"
"Cover-up affair
between killer and Wu-Six!"
"Personal desires sink public interest!"
You're just a sissy with a beard!
Extradition was meant
to be a show of force.
No, we've become a joke!
Your bloody wedding!
Had I known about this...
...I would've banned
all your concubines.
Teacher Qi....
Concubines come and go.
You are forever.
Tomorrow, in an interview,
I'll deny the rumours.
Moron! Denial only spreads rumours!
- What should I do?
- Sit!
Sit!
Let's play along.
You want to save Ma Zouri?
We'll execute him!
What's going on?
Why is Ma Zouri in the stable?
At least the French put him in a cell.
- Here.
- You believe this trash?
Others do!
Let them! Who cares?
Dad, at your wedding,
can you pardon all prisoners?
That's a thought. Inform the press...
...that you'll grant an amnesty...
- ...except for Ma Zouri.
- Why?
- After the wedding, he'll be executed.
- What?
Think big picture.
- You don't love him.
- Shut up!
Who's talking about love? Mother.
Please!
Dad, you promised!
Life changes like the weather.
- Get out, you two!
- Teacher Qi!
Out!
Listen to your mom.
She's the brains here.
Sweetie. Let's talk.
Come here.
Sit down. I have something
to say to you.
You are my only daughter.
In this world, I love you most.
When I was young,
I was a beauty too.
With a waist so small,
it could be broken with one hand.
Many gentlemen proposed...
...but I liked the "lost puppy" type.
- Thought I could save them.
- Was Dad a "lost puppy"?
God, no! He's just a dumb soldier!
But he won me. Why? I chose him!
He had a future. And money.
And power.
I didn't pick a man for me...
- ...but a father for you.
- Mom.
Stop guilting me.
I didn't ask to be born.
Besides, I wouldn't brag about that.
It's revolting.
It's opportunism.
No, it's the natural order!
Have you read Huxley's
Evolution and Ethics?
The Manchus were still in power. How'd
you know Dad would be a general?
- I had a vision.
- What if Ma succeeds one day?
I knew him as a child.
A bum if I have ever seen one!
Mom, have you ever been in love?
Love? A brief hormonal rush.
But I like that rush.
A moment of joy you've never known.
Please! I said the same things
to my mother.
A woman will pick one of two types:
Rich and powerful.
Or dreamy and desirable.
What's Ma Zouri?
Rich and powerful? Not really.
- Dreamy and desirable?
- I like him.
I want to help him.
I won't see him suffer.
What do you know? You're new to men.
Talk to me again...
...after you've bedded 40 of them.
My understanding...
...comes from cumulative experience!
You? With your looks? Forty men?
It's a metaphor!
Four, forty, what's the difference?
What have you done?
Slept with him?
Kissed? Held hands?
Mother. The other day, Dad said...
...concubines were tactics.
Today, you say sex is a strategy.
You're one of a kind!
Come back when you've grown up!
Murder. Captured. Extradition.
You made the front page three times.
Your execution tomorrow
will make it four.
You've charmed many ladies.
Including my sister.
I really wanted you
as my brother-in-law.
But you had to choose death.
Look at you!
A murderer's face.
Why couldn't you have
a friendly face like Xiang?
You say you're innocent?
Your face says different!
And your name, Ma, it's too short!
And now you've fallen short.
Inspector Xiang's name is powerful!
It has four letters!
Five.
Five?
- Five.
- Are you freaking kidding me?
Why correct my math
at a time like this?
I'll be delighted to watch you die,
Mr. Ma.
You've finally learned
to call me "mister."
Wu Danian, do you take
Katerina Sergejevna Ivanova...
...to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Wu Danian, do you take Katerina...
...to be your lawfully wedded wife?
- I do.
- I do.
I do.
Katerina Sergejevna Ivanova,
do you take Wu Danian...
...to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- I do.
- The rings, please.
Give her the ring.
By the power vested in me by the laws,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
By the power vested in me by the laws,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
- Kiss her.
- Kiss her.
On the lips.
Daughter!
Pay attention. This is my daughter.
We've worked up a little treat for you.
- I'm taking him with me.
- Okay.
I don't want to get you in trouble.
No trouble.
That'd be your alibi. Run!
Are you luring me somewhere
to shoot me?
If I wanted to kill you,
I'd have done it long ago.
Step on it!
Wu-Six!
Stop the car. Let's talk.
No more talking!
You have given me a lifetime of lies!
What are you saying?
I'm a revered teacher across China.
I never lied to you!
You read my diary
and expelled the boys I liked.
Well, the joke's on you!
If I hated a boy, I'd put him in my diary.
so you'd expel him!
Insolent twit, I spilled my guts to you.
Too bad!
Maybe you shouldn't have slept
with 40 men! It taught you nothing!
Your wife slept with 40 men?
Your wife!
Did you go see Ma Zouri last night?
I did go see him,
but I didn't sleep with him.
Because I love him!
Ma Zouri is garbage!
How can I shut her up?
How can I shut her up?
- You want to kill her?
- I want to silence the horn!
- Are you a good shot?
- No.
Aim at your mother!
- What if I shoot her by accident?
- She's safe.
There's another car between us.
Aim at the driver and shoot!
I hit it!
Instead of the driver,
you shot the hood off.
One, two, three!
- Is your mother still there?
- I shot the horn!
Keep shooting!
I've told you to repent.
But I'm telling you now, it's too late.
Keep shooting!
Mother, please don't move...
...I may shoot you!
Wu-Six, you're taking potshots at me?
She's still talking. Quickly!
Let's sever our ties...
...once and for all.
Mother, go ahead and kill me!
The Wu women are Valkyries!
- What does that mean?
- My bitches are tough.
I'll run off alone.
- Go apologise to your mother!
- Damn you!
What mother shoots at her daughter?
- I don't deserve you.
- Go to hell!
Save yourself!
Come back! Come back!
Come back or I'll shoot!
I'll shoot you!
Ma Zouri, wake up!
Told you not to run.
Last time I ran away,
it was because Wanyan died.
But this time, I run because
I don't want Wu-Six to be killed.
- Why'd you shoot me?
- I didn't.
Don't die.
They'll think I killed you.
Wake up!
You wouldn't have shot me, I know.
You're trying to help me. Water....
If you die, I'll kill myself.
I'll shoot myself.
Please don't.
You're not that kind of person, Wanyan.
I'm not Wanyan.
I know. You're Wu-Six.
- Wake up! We're out of gas!
- I know. Run!
- Run?
- Hurry!
- Why'd we stop?
- Out of gas.
- What do we do?
- I'll fill it up.
Wu-Six, are we going to die?
- You scared?
- I should've died long ago.
Ma Zouri, I want to die with you.
- Are you willing to die with me?
- I'm not.
You're unwilling? Why?
Wu-Six, you don't find a man
to die with him.
Live. Be happy.
Wait! Take me with you!
Why'd you wake up?
Are you a masochist or what?
I'm sorry.
But what else can I do?
Stay down.
Wu-Six, farewell.
Here's Ma Zouri!
Shoot me!
But stay back!
I kidnapped Wu-Six.
She's in there.
Why kidnap her?
Wasn't I on the run?
Where to? Here!
Don't you all want to execute Ma Zouri?
Now's the time.
Why not kill myself?
That's no way to go.
For Ma Zouri,
it's either kill or be killed.
How can I shoot myself?
Terrible aim! A breeze!
I'm sorry, Wu-Six.
And also Wu-Seven!
He stole money from his father.
Asked me to launder it.
I said, "I'll spend it all
on an international hookers' contest!"
Where'd I get all those hookers?
I made them up.
So why you gotta kill Ma Zouri?
Beats me.
Everyone believes I killed Wanyan.
Well, I did.
Here's what happened:
She became president
and wanted to marry me. I declined.
I never thought she'd die.
I would've married her if I knew.
Listen, if somebody
wants to marry you...
...don't hesitate.
Marry her!
Otherwise, it could cost two lives.
I survived, but suffered.
So, what happened...
...on that fateful night? How'd she die?
I'll come clean.
That night....
That night...
...the snow hushed the night.
The empress dowager summoned me.
She sat me down and said:
"I need your advice."
I said, "Again?"
Hey, hey! Come back here!
Just like that, I'm shot dead.
Or so I've been told.
Being dead ain't that different
from being alive.
Just wish I knew
what happened to Wu-Six.
Will someone please find out for me?