Good Burger (1997) Movie Script

( car engine revving )
( car door slams )
( tires screeching )
( whoosh )
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick-Nick, Nick
( chorus singing ): Nickelodeon.
( percussive music playing, chorus humming )
Oh... oh... oh
( rapid popping )
Oh... oh... oh.
( singsongy ): Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order?
Just a Good Burger, please, and I'd like that to go.
( over intercom ): One Good Burger!
( yelps )
( harp glissando )
( singsongy voice echoing ): Ed...
I see you.
I see you.
( popping )
( Southern accent ): Don't sell me, Ed, please.
( gruff, male voice ): I wanna stay here with you!
( sweet voice ): We love you, Ed.
Come with us, Ed.
Fly, Ed, fly!
( gleeful squeals )
Ah... ah...
I'm flying with fast food!
Wow! Wow.
Whoo! Whee! Whoa, flying with hamburgers!
( yelling )
( yelling continues )
( alarm buzzing ) Ah! Welcome to Good Burger,
home of the Good Burger.
Can I take...?
( panting )
Oh! A clock!
CHORUS: Oh... oh...
Yeah, yeah. Ah! Ah... ah!
I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude
'Cause we're all a dudes
Hey, I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude
'Cause we're all a dude...
CHORUS: Whoa... aha!
Hey, hey, Alfalfa!
Would you please take my order?
Ooh, sorry,
no can do.
I'm the drive-thru guy.
You need the counter guy.
Hey, where's Ed?
Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait-wait-wait-wait.
( midtempo R&B intro playing )
( yells )
Morning, girls. Huh.
( girl grunts )
( yelling )
( yelps )
I-I'm sorry! Hang on.
I-I'm going to get you loose.
Um, um, s-sorry!
My bad, uh... uh... uh...
Miss? Miss?
Could I please order some food?
Oh, no problem!
Okay, uh, let me get some...
Oh, watch out, lady!
No! Watch out! ( gasps )
Watch out!
( yelling )
( baby giggling ) Ah... ah... ah!
Hey. ( chuckles )
Hey, baby.
My baby!
( screaming )
( baby giggles )
Oh! Watch out! Baby coming through!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
( screaming )
( all grunting )
( screaming continues )
( screeches )
Put it up, man, put it up!
( giggling )
( cooing )
That's it! That's it!
Five more seconds, I'm calling the manager!
You think I'm kidding?!
( yelling ) Oh!
( singsongy ): Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order?
Well, it's about time.
Can I get two Good Burgers?
Oh, sorry, dude, I have to go get 'em.
Customers aren't allowed in back.
Just give me two Good Burgers!
Dude, I just can't give you two Good Burgers.
You have to pay for 'em.
Forget it! Forget it!
I've had it up to here with Good Burger!
I can't wait for Mondo Burger to open.
Mondo Burger?
What's Mondo Burger?
Ed, you see that giant building there
across the street?
The one that they've been building for ten months?
Oh, I see it. Huh.
That's Mondo Burger, Ed.
Yeah, they open in, like, three days.
Cool! Huh.
It's not cool, Ed.
They're competition.
Big competition.
They could put us out of business.
That's right.
What are we going to do then?
All right, now, come on!
Good Burger has been here for over 40 years.
( grunts ): Yeah...
People love us.
Most of us.
And nobody is putting Good Burger out of business!
Yeah! Yeah!
Nobody. Nobody!
Yeah! Yeah! Huh. Huh.
( disco beat plays )
All right, people.
Two more minutes before the end of the test.
I know what you're thinking, my brother--
"Why? Why would this man
"give us a test on the last day of school
before summer starts?"
Well I'm going to tell you why.
Because... ( bangs desk )
the mind never sleeps.
Can I get a witness?
( yawning ): Hallelujah.
( bell ringing )
( chattering )
Out of here.
Summer vacation, bow-chicka-bow
Summer vacation...
What's your hurry, my brother?
Huh, my hurry
is that it's now officially summer vacation
and yet, I'm still looking at you.
You're an amazing student. I mean, you sit there,
you get your test done first
and you were concentrating so hard,
I thought you were asleep.
Next time make it more challenging.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
Challenges, potential, using your mind,
'cause I'm worried about you.
I'm worried about you, too.
Have you seen yourself lately?
The 'fro, the boots, and this jacket...
You have a nice summer, Shaft.
( disco music plays )
( yelling )
Yo, Dex, wait up.
So, uh, how you think you did on your exam?
Sorry, summer vacation started 48 seconds ago.
That means that school, work or anything of that nature
is now officially off limits for the next three months.
Nice car.
This yours?
No, it's my mom's,
but she's away on business in New York.
And she lets you drive this while she's out of town?
( tires squealing )
Ed... Spatch, will you move?
Ed... Ed!
Ed, we have a delivery.
But I don't do deliveries.
You do for the time being. I fired O'Malley.
How come?
Because the boy showed up
to work without his pants.
Now, please, make this delivery.
The address is on the back.
It shall be delivered.
So what's your plan for the summer?
Ha! Let me tell you, boy,
I plan to wake up every day at around noon,
then I'm going to lay out by the pool,
order some Chinese food,
maybe invite some fine females over to share
an egg roll or two.
Then I'm going to wake up the next day,
do it all over again.
Ha, ha!
Know what I'm saying?
Say, man, you're lucky.
My folks is making me get a summer job.
See, that's it right there.
You got to explain things to parents.
Like summer vacation.
The key word there is "va-ca-tion."
See what I'm saying?
( tires squealing )
( accelerating )
She's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes
Hey, I'm a dude, he's a dude...
She's a dude, whoa, 'cause we're all dudes
Hey, I'm a dude...
Look out!
( tires squealing )
Just get off the...
( muffled yelling )
My afro.
My afro!
Oh, brother Reed, you have messed up my afro.
All right, don't worry, bro.
Just be cool and let me handle this.
All right, Jake?
Oh, no.
Oh, baby. Oh!
Oh, no.
Oh! Oh, my grill.
Oh, Black Beauty, oh. Oh!
See, when I left school today
I didn't think I was going to run into you this summer.
Or I didn't think you was going to run into me.
I mean, just run into me like this.
You're in trouble with me, young man.
You're in trouble with me!
No, listen, Mr. Wheat, listen.
It wasn't my fault.
See, this nut on some roller blades,
he skated into my vision sight, and I couldn't
see nothing, so I swerved...
Roller blades? Roller blades?!
And we was spinning around like that...
I don't want to hear it!
...and then I couldn't control it...
I don't want to hear it.
Know how much that car cost me?
Do you know? No.
That's a $22,000 car.
And that's just the base price!
Check out the chrome, see?
I waited four weeks for the chrome!
You can't get chrome wheels at base price!
See that leather?
That's Detroit leather. That's Detroit leather.
You got to order Detroit leather from Detroit!
Huh? What's that tell you?
They always get you with them extras.
Give me your driver's license.
Give me your driver's license.
Um, regarding my driver's license,
I'd give it to you, but you're going to have to wait.
For what?
Oh, about a year.
Oh, no.
That-that's when I get one.
No, no...
When they put it in my hand.
You don't have a driver's license? No.
I know you don't have no insurance, do you?
I guess...
I hate to do this, young man.
I hate to put a black man in jail,
but I'm going to have to call the police.
Black man in jail?
You ain't got the... I'm just a kid.
No, no, no, not the police.
Don't call the police.
No, please, don't call them. Don't call them.
Please, don't call the police!
They can't find out I was driving
without a license, sir, please.
No, please, let me fix it.
Just let me, let me fix it, please.
You shouldn't have been driving.
No, let me fix it. Let me fix it!
All right.
All right?
Yeah, all right. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll let you fix the car.
So, uh, how much you think it's going to cost to fix?
I don't have $1,900.
That's all right.
Maybe your parents will help you out.
I'll just give them a call...
Ooh, oh, um, wait. I'll get the money.
You can't get the money.
I know you got a summer, you just want to be free.
We'll just call...
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I will... I'll...
I'll... I'll...
I'll get a summer job.
MAN: Bun, patty, topping, sauce, assemble.
Bun, patty, topping, sauce, assemble.
Bun, patty, topping, sauce, assemble.
Come here, little bun.
Oh, beef patty.
( grunting )
Okay, yeah. Ooh, that's nasty.
All right.
Yo, my man, can I borrow some lettuce?
Can I borrow some...
( whistle blowing )
You. Who?
You! Look at this mess.
I, I can explain.
See, I was trying to put the big old beef patty...
oh, on the bottom half of the bun, you know,
before the tomato gets all slippery
with the... ooh, that's slippery.
Oh, I'm sorry. And then, you know,
the pickle bits was making me do the wrong...
because they're, they're flexible,
they're not crunchy.
Yo, man, back me up on this.
( blowing ) Oh, again with the whistle.
Shut up. Just be quiet.
It'd be a lot more quiet
if you stopped blowing the whistle.
Watch your mouth,
you pestiferous little maggot.
Now, I'm familiar with the term "maggot"
but... pestiferous?
Burn this into the front row of your brain, chuckles.
If there's one thing Kurt cannot stand
it is an incompetent, bumbling, sloppy,
fast food employee.
What are you doing inside the milk shake machine?
Oh, trying to fix it.
Did you turn on the switch?
( whirring )
Strawberry Jacuzzi.
Oh! Oy-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi...
Oh-ho, oy-yoi!
People, I'm fully stoked
about being in charge of every single one of you.
Within two years, Mondo Burger's going to be
the biggest burger chain on this planet.
Oh, yeah.
First we got to beat out
our big competition across the street, Good Burger.
( both laughing )
From now on,
your life is Mondo Burger.
You can forget about your friends,
you can forget about your family,
because Kurt... is now both your mother and your father.
Kurt must look awfully strange naked.
( snickering )
Who said that?
Who talked while Kurt was talking?
It was him.
He uttered something.
Why, I should've known.
Uh, I'm sorry I uttered.
You think you're funny, don't you, bro?
You know what?
At Mondo Burger, there are no comedians.
You mess with Kurt and you go into the grinder.
Okay, now this grinder of yours,
is it a real grinder
or is it some kind of a metaphor?
That's it, you're gone!
Adios, TKO, historical.
Wait, wait, wait.
I-I won't be funny no more. See?
You ain't got to bring
the man down here. Wait, one second.
Kurt, come on, please, I need this job.
Take out the trash.
Oh, now, look'ee here, p...
Get this loser out of my face!
Oh, now, you about to push me a little too far.
You want a piece
of me?
Yeah, extra crispy, please.
Oh, see, you lucky you brought
your friends down here.
Hey, man, is this really necessary?
Kurt, please! I need this job!
( whimpering ): Please, I need this job. Please.
Excuse me.
Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it.
That's what I gave you.
No, you gave me a bun.
Just a bun.
Look, there's no meat in here.
But you said you wanted nothing on it.
Yes, well, I expected a meat patty!
Dude, a meat patty is something.
You said nothing.
Fizz, is a meat patty
something, or nothing?
Uh... something?
I win!
All right, that rips it.
I am reporting your name to the manager!
The manager already knows my name.
Oh, I'll see you in hell!
Okay. See you there.
Such a nice guy; I don't know why
he had to throw the bread everywhere.
I mean, jeez.
One more Good Shake.
Good, good, keep them coming.
Um, dude, don't you think you've had enough?
Hey, you look familiar.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
Ever been to Australia?
Me neither.
I could've sworn I seen you someplace before.
Hey, I know.
Maybe I'm someone famous.
You know, like a baseball player,
or a pretty nurse. Huh.
What? Man, what in the world are you talking about?
Okay, okay, I give up.
Who am I?
I don't know who you are, or where I know you from,
or why you think you're an attractive nurse.
But I am sure I don't want to know you
any longer.
Now please, go away.
I've had a very bad day.
What's wrong?
Were you bitten by a sheep?
Did you lose your trousers?
Look, you're an unusually bad guesser,
so I'm going to go ahead and tell you why I'm upset.
I got to come up with $1,900 to fix some jerk's car,
another $800 to fix my mother's car
and I just got fired.
( sighs ): Man.
I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger.
I mean, he yelled at me, then he insulted me.
He made fun of me.
Boy, you must really suck.
See, right about now, I'd slap you
in your head,
but I'm not quite sure
that your brain would understand the concept of pain.
Want to see my belly button?
( sighs )
Well, it was very unusual
to meet you... Ed.
I'm going to go now and try to beg someone
for a summer job, man. Bye.
Wait. You could work here at Good Burger.
Yeah. Hey, Mr. Baily, this guy needs a job.
Could he have one?
See ya.
Wait, wait, wait.
Come on, Mr. Baily.
He really needs one.
He can do fries.
Otis does fries.
Yeah, but look at him.
How much longer could he possibly live?
( inhaling )
Have you ever worked in fast food before, uh...
Uh, Dexter. Dexter Reed.
And yes, I have worked in fast food.
Yeah? How long?
Nearly two days.
( chuckles ): Oh, well...
Do you know how to drive a motor vehicle?
I'm an excellent driver.
Any accidents on your record?
Not to your knowledge.
( sighs )
All right, Dexter.
I'm going to give you a shot.
You're on deliveries.
And you may have to pitch in
and do some counter work.
Cool! I'll teach him everything I know!
Oh... God help me.
I won't let you down.
Hey, Fizz.
This is Dexter.
Fizz works drive-thru.
Well, hi-de-ho, Dex.
Uh, hi-de-ho, Fi.
Wow, nobody's ever abbreviated my name before.
I love that.
Hey, and that's Otis. Huh.
He's 77 years old
and still works in fast food. Huh.
I should've died years ago.
Tough break.
ED: And there's Deedee.
She's a veterinarian.
That means she doesn't eat fur.
I won't wear fur.
I don't eat meat.
( Spatch grunting )
( buzzing ) ( grunting )
Hey, uh, Ed, wh-what is that?
Oh, that's just Spatch.
Let me show you. Come here. Huh.
Hey, Spatch.
( gasps ) ( gasps )
( buzzing )
Uh, Spatch isn't much of a "people person." Huh.
( frustrated moaning )
( splats )
( growls )
Mmm. ( crunching )
You want to rinse that off?
( groans )
Well, hello.
My name is Dexter.
I'm your new coworker.
Well, that's a nice outfit you got on there.
And those stripes really bring out
the color of your eyes.
You can imagine how embarrassed I was
when I came to work
and saw everyone wearing the same thing.
( laughs )
Oh, okay.
Oh, I-I guess I'll see you later then.
Guess you will.
Yo, man, who was that?
She is all that.
All what?
N-Never mind.
So, tell me, what am I going
to be making my deliveries in?
A van, a truck?
Feel my desire.
There she is-- the Burger Mobile. Huh.
Think you can handle her?
I don't know.
I never driven a sandwich before.
Ha. Huh.
Come on, I'll take you for a spin.
Now, uh, you can drive, right?
I mean, you can read all the signs and stuff?
( tires screeching )
Yeah! Now this is what I call fast food! Huh!
Whoa, whoa! Hey, look out for..!
( horn honking )
That was a stop sign!
Uh... no.
( whimpering ): Oh, man.
( tires screeching )
( horn honking ) ( tires screeching )
Watch out for the...!
Hey! Hey!
Get back here!
Closing time at last.
DEXTER: All right, let me see.
$5 an hour, six hours a day, five days a week.
I should be able to pay off the car in, uh...
Oh, another lifetime!
Man! This place
is the most nauseating,
pathetic hole I have ever seen.
I mean, what kind of diseased maggot
would even consider eating here?
Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order? Huh.
Check it, boys.
Right back there.
It's the reject.
( Kurt chuckling )
Hey, check it, Ed.
It's the Mondo idiot!
Oh, well, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot.
I'm Ed. Huh.
Well, Ed, you better watch your butt, man.
Look, you got a purpose for being here?
Yeah, I do.
I just thought you Good Burger losers
should be aware
that tonight is the grand opening of Mondo Burger.
( growls )
The second we open
our doors, Good Burger goes in the grinder.
Again with this grinder.
Look, man, you either order something,
or you can get out of here.
Yeah. Sure.
You can take my order.
I'll have the very last Good Burger to go.
( slurping )
( drops cup on floor )
Oh, I give up.
There is no way a guy can watch his own butt. Oh!
( big band playing "Celebrate" )
( music plays in distance )
( song ends )
KURT: Yeah!
Is everybody liking my party?!
( applause )
And now...
I'm psyched to present to you people,
Mondo Burger!
( cheering )
( zapping )
( cheering )
And now, people, welcome to Mondo Burger.
DEXTER: Um, Mr. Baily.
Since we don't have any customers, or electricity...
Yeah, yeah.
I suppose we should all just, uh, go on home.
( sighs )
MAN: Looks like Good Burger closed early tonight.
Yep. And it think pretty soon, they'll be closed for good.
( driving rock intro )
Crush a killer with a thigh bone
You call the cable, make a cozy home
You need a rock and roll singer
You got a thumb and a finger
You got opposable thumb
Opposable thumb, opposable thumb
I got one!
Opposable thumb, opposable thumb
Opposable thumb
Check it out, I got one!
I've got one... opposable thumb.
Everybody, I got one.
Got one, what? What? What?
A Mondo Burger.
( all talking at once )
All right, all right, everybody.
Now, don't get all excitable.
( grunts )
Holy Mackerel.
( gasping )
It's huge.
( moaning )
Look at that.
( gasping )
( groaning )
( frustrated grunting )
And I don't know how they do it, but they charge the same amount
as we do for a Good Burger.
How do they do it?
They just use more meat.
Oh, poor cows.
Hey, Spatch.
( grunts )
Hand me a Good Burger.
( grunts )
They sound similar.
Come on, what was our take today?
That's it?!
I suppose I can always feed my mother cat food.
Now probably wouldn't be the best time
to ask for a raise?
I'm going home.
Good night, people.
Good night, Mr. Baily.
So, Monique, what are you going to do tonight
after you lock up?
I thought I'd go home.
Home? Why?
Well, that's where my stuff is.
Stuff. Ha, ha, ha.
Hey, Dex.
Want to hang out tonight?
I don't know, but--
Hey Ed, you better be careful.
( tires screeching )
( grunting )
( bones cracking )
Now I know where I saw you before.
You're the roller-blading nut that caused my accident.
Uh... no?
You're the reason why I owe 1,900 bucks.
You're the reason my mom found out
I was driving without a license.
Man, you cost me a fortune.
You wrecked my summer, man.
You ruined my life.
So, you don't want to hang out tonight?
No. I don't want to hang out with you...
( groans )
( bones cracking )
Do you think you can get me to a hospital?
I think I broke my ass.
Come on, Otis.
Get out of the way.
Oh, man.
Ah, Mr. Reed.
Hard at work as usual.
I'm having my lunch.
Well, I just got my car back from the body shop,
and I got to admit, good as new.
Here's the receipt.
The estimate was only for $1,900.
Well, that my young brother, is why they call it an estimate.
Close to, kind of, could be.
And I estimate it'll take you
about two and half months to get me my money.
Now, you have a good day at work.
I'm going to have lunch at Mondo Burger.
Home of the Big Booty Burger.
Home of the Big Booty Burger.
Oh, man.
Mind if I sit here?
Yes, I do mind.
Uh, thanks.
What-what-what are you doing?
Eating my lunch.
I told you not to sit here.
I don't like you.
Can't you get that through your head?
I can try.
( creaking )
All right, I see, I'm going
to have to spell this out for you.
I don't want to sit by you.
I don't want to see you.
I don't want to smell you.
I don't want to hang out with you.
I don't even want to use words with the letter "U."
Look, I'm Grape Nose Boy.
Bluebity, Bluebity Bluebity, Bluebity...
Stop that. Bluebity, Bluebity Bluebity...
Would you stop?
Bluebity, Bluebity... ( stifling laughter )
Uh, that ain't funny.
Bluebity, Bluebity Bluebity, Blue...
All right. Bluebity...
Ha! Made you laugh.
So... Oh, I give up.
( popping )
Uh, no, I'll pass.
( smacking )
Now, I should have figured
that lunch with you would be... different.
Ah. Huh.
Hey, what's that goo?
Oh, that's my sauce.
I make it myself.
You carry your own sauce?
Doesn't everybody?
Hey, hey, would you watch it?
Hey, that is kind of good.
You sure you made this by yourself?
Yeah. It's my very own recipe.
Nobody knows about this, right?
( cash register bell dinging )
Hey, Fizz,
come here.
Hi, you guys.
What can I...?
Hey, what did you do?
This is really good.
What did you guys put on this?
Deedee, Otis, Monique, come here.
( laughing )
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey!
( excited chattering )
Mom, I got to call you back.
This is so good.
MR. BAILY: Hey, hey, hey.
What in the name of ground beef is going on?
Mr. Baily, try this.
Dexter, I don't have time...
DEEDEE: It's good. Terrific.
This is marvelous. What is it?
A French fry.
I know that, Ed.
I'm talking about the sauce.
What's in the sauce?
Ed's ingredients.
He made it himself.
Ed? Excellent.
DEEDEE: It's awesome.
It makes me glad I'm not dead.
If we put that sauce on all the Good Burgers,
then everyone will want to eat here.
We'll knock Mondo Burger right off the map.
Whee! That's great.
It's true.
Ed, get in that kitchen and start making sauce.
Yippee skippy!
( all cheering )
It shall be done.
( laughter )
Don't let us down.
Get me another French fry.
Good Burger's back in business.
ALL: Yeah!
It's time to put hard times behind
Get all the bad things off your mind
He's feeling good, she's feeling good
We're feeling good, yeah
Just hanging out
Just having fun
We're number one
Just hanging out, just having fun
I'm a dude
He's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey.
I've never seen so many customers.
Good Burger's back in business.
Oh, back in business.
Move over, Mondo Burger.
Move over.
( laughs )
And Ed? What?
For every Good Burger we sell,
I'm going to give you ten cents for every one!
( laughs )
Oh, man.
A little help here.
Oh, okay, be right there.
No, no, no, no. I'll help Deedee.
You get in that kitchen and keep making sauce.
( laughs ) ( screams )
( humming )
Well, Ed, how's that sauce-making
coming along?
Oh, pretty good.
Mr. Baily says it's going to save Good Burger.
That's great.
Now, you do remember that it was my idea
to put the sauce on Good Burgers in the first place, right?
Yeah, you should get some of the money I receive.
I'm glad to hear you say that.
In fact, since we're going to be
in business together, I thought that maybe
we should sign a little contract.
Just to make our partnership official.
Yeah, okay.
Mm... hmm.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Mmm, mmm.
I know some of these words.
So, what does it all mean, Dexter?
Well, it's-it's quite simple, really.
Of all the money
that Good Burger makes off your sauce,
you get to keep 20%.
Cool? Okay.
And then I'll keep the other
80%, so it works out cool for both of us.
There you go.
Cool. All right.
There must be 50 customers out there.
It's unbelievable.
What do you put in that sauce?
Well, you start off
with a little lemon juice
and some ketchup.
( groaning and coughing )
Um, look, Dexter,
I like you as a friend and all, but it might...
No. Listen to me carefully.
Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.
Oh. Well, first you start off with a little lemon juice...
Stop it!
Stop talking.
Never tell anyone
the ingredients of your sauce.
You want to save Good Burger, don't you?
Oh, yeah. Good Burger's my life.
Well, then, you got to keep your sauce recipe a secret.
All right? Okay.
All right. Um, Dexter?
You're squishing my pancreas.
Two days ago, we had Good Burger crushed.
Now look at 'em.
I think it's the sauce, boss.
( grunts )
Duh. I know that.
You think Kurt's stupid?
Mmm... Uh-uh, uh-uh.
( sighs )
I want Good Burger out of business.
Go find out what's in that sauce.
I'll go get some and have it checked out.
( grunts )
( laughing )
Ed, here's your take for the day.
( laughter )
Thanks for the sauce, kid.
( gasping ) Mmm!
Love ya!
( laughing )
Well, here you go, Ed.
You get to keep $13.
Whoa. That's almost $14.
Yeah, well, see you tomorrow.
Uh, hey-hey, Dex, uh, what you doing?
You want to hang out or something?
Gee, I don't know.
I got to go clean my room.
I-I got to...
Sure. Let-Let's hang out.
Want to see my secret place?
That's not what I had in mind.
Come on!
All-All right...
I get you.
This is my place.
This is where I come and think.
Well, I think.
That's funny,
'cause I never took you for much of a thinker.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I think about all kind of things:
Good Burger...
cardboard boxes...
things that are sticky...
I'll bet you don't have one real problem.
Um, I got six toes on my left foot.
What kind of problems do you have?
Other than the ones you cause? Lots.
Most of them started when I was a little kid.
That's when my dad left me and my mom.
I must have lived in 15 places since then.
I remember the last time I saw my Dad.
I was seven years old,
and for no reason at all, he bought me this yo-yo.
It was so cool.
I mean, it wasn't just an ordinary yo-yo.
It had lights that lit up when you yo-yoed it.
Red lights on one side, and blue lights on the other.
And it made this funky, whistling noise, too.
That sounds like quite a yo-yo.
You-you still got it?
After awhile, it stopped lighting up.
Then it quit making that funky whistling noise.
Then I guess my mom just threw it away.
You know...
I don't even remember what my dad looks like.
I don't remember what my dad looks like, either.
But at least I get to see him every day.
I give up.
I'm going home.
Oh, h-hey, Dex.
Uh, thanks for hanging out with me.
It's no problem.
See you tomorrow, buddy.
You-You mean it?
Mean what?
Well, I'm your buddy.
You-You called me your buddy.
Yeah, sure.
I guess so.
See you tomorrow.
Dexter, you got a delivery.
You are going to freak.
Hey, Monique, um, check it.
I got a delivery to make.
You want to ride with me?
Oh, I want to go, I want to go.
Oh, yeah.
You can go, Ed.
Oh, man.
( tires screeching )
Ed, man, you got to park the burger. Slow down.
( tires screeching )
( honking )
Watch it, Steve!
Hey, hey!
Oh, hey, man.
( tires screeching )
Come on, man, the locker room's this way.
REPORTER: So, after scoring that amazing, last-minute, game-winning shot,
and bringing your team all the way
to the NBA Championship, how do you feel?
I feel hungry.
( reporters chuckling )
(Chariots of Fire theme music plays )
BOTH: Oh, oh, oh!
( laughing )
Oh, oh, huh.
Here's your Good Burger. Huh.
Little man,
I ordered tomatoes on this Good Burger.
I don't see no tomatoes.
Well, hang on. Uh.
Consider yourself tomatoed.
( laughs )
You're not like other people, are you?
Um, go-go on ahead, Shaq.
Take a bite of the Good Burger,
and tell us how you like the good sauce.
Tastes good, tastes good.
You heard it here, folks.
Shaquille O'Neal, a man who enjoys good food.
Huh! Huh!
Look, Dex, we're on live TV!
Oh, welcome to Good Burger,
home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order?
Huh. Whoa.
I've never been on TV before.
Whoa. Hey.
I'm a dude
He's a dude
She's a dude
And we're all dudes, hey!
I'm sick of these pukes. Shut up!
( tube shattering, electrical sizzling )
You're not so fast
with the trash talk now, are you, huh?
You got him that time, bro.
Yeah, but if you hadn't noticed,
Good Burger is still in business.
Well, what are we supposed to do about it?
Our burgers are already twice the size of theirs.
MAN: Y-yes, sir.
Make our burgers bigger.
Bigger? But they're already...
Bigger! Bigger!
( grunts )
Now, let's see Good Burger
go against burgers three times the size of their own.
But what about the Ed Sauce?
Hey, I'm a dude
He's a dude
She's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes...
( yelling )
Welcome to Good Burger.
Home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order?
You all right, bro?
Hey, hey, hey.
I know you.
You're the dude from Mondo Burger.
Kurt Bozwell.
No, no, no.
I'm Ed.
Can I give you a lift, Ed?
Oh, I don't know, dude.
I weigh about 150.
Just get in the car, huh?
Oh, car?
( muttering )
Uh-oh. Uh...!
Ed, I'm going to cut right to the chase.
You have been working at Good Burger now
for like, what, three years?
And your manager still only pays you
five bucks an hour, man.
Really? Cool!
Well, five bucks an hour's cool...
How does... ten bucks sound?
Ten bucks.
I don't know.
( rustling )
It sounds sort of like...
( imitates rustling )
( tires screech )
I want you to bail on Good Burger, and I want you
to come and work for me at Mondo Burger.
You make your sauce for Kurt.
Who's Kurt?
I'm Kurt.
I'm Ed.
I'm aware!
You said you were Kurt.
( tires screech )
Well, uh, thanks for the ride.
Whenever you're ready to come and work for me,
you say the word.
Okay. Mm.
What were you doing in Kurt's car?
Oh, you know, just pushing buttons and hanging out. Huh.
What'd he say to you?
Something about working at Mondo Burger.
I think he likes me.
Ed! That diphthong doesn't like you!
He just wants to use you.
Oh, well, that's not... "natural."
He wants your sauce.
Look, don't tell him the sauce recipe, all right?
Because if you do, Good Burger's going to be in big trouble.
All right. Cool.
Now, let's get to work. All right.
Um, Dex...
Um, I got you something.
What, what is this?
It's a yo-yo.
I bought it with the $13 you gave me.
It lights up and flickers and everything.
Just like the one your dad gave you.
Why'd you get this for me?
'Cause we're buds. Huh.
Huh. Yeah.
Huh. Huh.
What's with this dude?
He doesn't want to work at Mondo Burger.
If you ask me,
the guy's a few tacos short of a combination plate.
I don't care.
Now, Kurt's going to get his sauce.
I didn't come this far to let
some tired crap shack like Good Burger get in my way.
Bring in Roxanne.
If anyone can get the sauce out of Ed... she can.
( rock beat plays )
You don't have to put on the red light
No, no, no
Those days are over
You don't care if it's wrong or if it's right
If it's right
You don't have to put on a red light
Put on a red light
Roxanne Excuse me.
You don't have... Hello?
Um, welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order? Huh.
No, thanks.
I just came here to see you, Ed.
I'm Roxanne.
Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order? Huh.
You are so hot.
Oh, well, I often sweat at work. Huh.
So, you hungry?
Yes, I am hungry...
but not for food.
I'm hungry for you.
Oh, well... well, I'm not edible.
Huh... Huh.
How would you like to go on date tomorrow night?
With who?
Me, silly.
Huh. Me silly, too.
( laughs )
I meant that you and I should go out together
tomorrow night.
Want to?
Oh, okay. Cool. Huh.
Here's my address.
I'll see you at 8:00.
( bell dings )
( blows raspberry )
I don't believe what I just saw.
Who? Elvis?
No, a beautiful girl just strode in here
and asked you on a date.
Oh, I know. Hey, want to come?
Oh, no. Three's a crowd, man.
Oh, well, just bring a date.
Hey, why don't you ask Monique.
I... I don't think so.
Now, you know you like her-- huh.
How can I not like her?
I mean, she's smart, funny, beautiful...
and cuddly.
( laughs )
Oh, then just ask her out.
Aw, what, you chicken?
I'm not a chicken.
( laughing ): Are too.
Dexter's a chicken!
Chicken! Moo!
I'm not a chicken.
It's just that I don't think she wants to waste her time
going out with me, that's all.
( laughing )
Chickens don't moo, man.
They cluck.
( clucks )
Hey, Monique,
we're all going out tomorrow night.
You want to be Dexter's date?
Look, man, I told you...
I'd love to.
I, I knew she'd say yes.
( pop beat plays ) All I want
Is someone I can talk to
Someone who will listen to what I have to say
All I need
Is some special attention
Someone who will mention...
Yeah, corn dogs!
Your chair, Madame.
Why, thank you, Dexter.
ED: Your chair. Huh!
Um, is your butt okay?
It's fine. Thank you.
It's okay, people!
Her butt is fine!
Mmm! That's a great corn dog.
I wonder how they get the weenie
into the corny exterior? Yeah.
A question that's plagued mankind for centuries.
( chuckles ) You know what'd go great on these corn dogs?
Um... a turtleneck?
( giggles )
No, silly. Some of your sauce.
( chokes )
I just love your sauce.
How do you make it?
I'm dying to know.
Well, first you start off with some
ketchup and some lemon juice...
Oh, what's the matter? Is it your butt?
Uh, oh.
( voice cracks ): Um...
Wha-What do you say we start putting?
Ooh. I get to go first.
DEXTER: All right. Word.
Come on, Roxanne.
Ed... can't we just go somewhere and be alone?
What for?
Well, maybe we could talk.
Or maybe get to know each other a little better.
Now doesn't that sound like more fun
than miniature golf?
Come on.
( gasps )
( rhythm and blues plays )
That's the way, that's the way
That's the way...
So close yet so far.
My turn. Excuse me. Thank you very much.
( grunting ): All righty.
( whispers ): Okay, yeah.
All right. You're all right.
( ball clinks )
Oh, oh...
( water splashes ) Mm-mm.
So, uh, is this your first time?
Uh-huh, keep talking.
( laughs )
Huh. Okay, my turn.
Huh, huh.
( grunts )
( grunts )
( gasps )
( grunts )
( thud )
Your turn.
Then when I was six, I said my first words.
My mom thinks it was "trousers,"
but I think it was "tweezers."
And then I went to camp and fell down a sand dune...
Ed... Ed!
She's still unconscious, bro.
But please, baby, please, baby, be my girl
I know I'm not the greatest rapper in this land
But I'll do anything if you'll hold my hand...
( tires screech )
( thud )
What happened?
Your head hit my golf ball.
Then you went sleepy-bye.
Um... Monique, you want to take a walk?
Wait, wait, wait.
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do?
Ed... I think Roxanne can, uh, help you figure something out.
( rock beat plays )
So, Ed...
what do you want to do?
Well, I always wanted to shave a Martian.
Got a Martian. Huh!
Here you go.
Thank you.
So, uh, you like me?
Of course.
( mockingly ): So, uh... you like me?
Are you kidding?
I liked you from the first time I saw you--
right off the bat.
But I guess it was the same for you, too, huh?
No, actually, I thought you were self-centered and obnoxious.
Well, so much for my self-esteem.
I changed my mind, didn't I?
Yes, you did. How come?
Excuse me.
Ed thinks you're a really great guy.
He's always talking about
what a good friend you are to him...
and what a nice and caring person you are.
Ed said all that?
Ed is the sweetest,
most genuine person I've ever met.
And, uh, anybody he likes that much...
can't be all bad.
( rhythm and blues plays )
After all that we've been through
I'll be there for you...
( gasps )
Look at me, Ed.
I'm looking.
What do you see?
That big red lump on your forehead
where the golf ball hit you.
Look into my eyes, Ed.
Feel my desire...
Tell me how you make your sauce...
and I'll give you anything you want.
Uh, whatcha got?
For starters...
how about this.
Feel my desire... Oh, no!
You surprised me.
Can-can you breathe?
( groaning )
I quit!
( panting )
( grunting )
( thud )
I'm guessing she didn't get the sauce recipe.
I'm aware.
Hello. My name is Connie Mondune.
I'm hosting a family reunion, and my oven has run amok!
Huh. I think it's the heat actuator.
Anywho, I'd like to order, uh
three Good Meals, four Junior Good Meals,
and 17 orders of your Good Chunks.
Um, okay, on two of the Junior Good Meals,
I need to substitute the Good Cookies for Good Pies.
Now don't fret if that's extra.
I'll pony up the overage.
And, uh, oh, on the Regular Good Meals,
I need two of the Good Burgers
to have ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, but no onion.
I've got an interview this afternoon.
Let's see, that takes care of everyone but Uncle Leslie,
who doesn't eat meat, but, of course, he does eat dairy, so I don't get it.
Let's get Leslie a Good Chick with some Good Fries and a Good Root Beer.
All to go. But I would like to have my beverage while I wait.
Now, total me up!
( electrical crackling )
Guess who.
Hi, Dexter.
Hey. What you doing?
Getting ready for work.
Oh, cool, cool.
Um, listen, since we had such a nice time last night,
uh, I thought that maybe we could do it again tonight.
I don't think so.
Okay. Tomorrow night, then?
Well, maybe this weekend?
Maybe not.
Who are you and what have done with the real Monique?
Oh, she's right here.
It's just that now, she knows the real Dexter.
Come again?
You forgot your jacket last night.
Oh. Thank you.
And this fell out of the pocket.
Oh, um... this?
This is just, all it is...
All-All it is...
Right, it's just the contract you had Ed sign.
You know, the one where, uh, you take most of his money.
The money he's supposed to get for his sauce.
No... yeah.
But, look, I was just trying...
You know, I can't believe
that you would do something like that
to someone who trusts you.
How can you take advantage of a sweet person like Ed?!
And after he got you a job?!
It ain't even like that.
I only wanted...
Oh, I know what you wanted.
You're not Ed's friend.
You're just using him
to scam a little cash on the side.
It must feel really good.
Babe... Oh, but don't worry.
I'm not going to tell Ed that you're cheating him.
Why not?
Because it would hurt him too much.
There you are, Ed.
Um, can I sit here?
On my lap?
No, man.
I'll just sit down right next to you.
All right, look, Ed,
I don't know how to say this.
Oh, you just go:
No, um, I-I'm talking about this contract.
( barking )
What is it, boy?
Oh, wha...? What?
Four clowns?!
Their car's broken down?
They're in trouble?
Man, that dog is not talking to you.
W-w-wait, hang on.
He's trying to tell us
that there's four clowns stuck somewhere
and their car broke down.
Where, boy, where?
Ed, there are no clowns.
Man, that dog is just hungry.
Oh, well, maybe we should feed him.
Here, have a Mondo Burger.
( whimpering )
He's not eating it.
Well, what's wrong?
I don't know.
He definitely looks hungry, though.
Well, here.
Try a Good Burger.
Would you look at that?
See, I told you
there was something wrong with Mondo Burger.
He knows it, don't you, boy?
He definitely senses something
that he doesn't like.
What do you think it could be?
I don't know.
Let's find out.
Where is that dang dog?
Excuse me, ladies, may I help you?
Could you kindly point us in the direction
of the little girls' room?
Yes, ma'am. The ladies room
is just on the other side of the restaurant.
I'll show you.
Oh, get your hands
Ma'am! off of me!
I'm mighty mad...
Ma'am, I'm just trying to help.
I don't need your... oh!
Oh! Oh!
Water! Water!
I need water!
Whoo! Water! Oh!
Water! Ooh!
Water! Oh! Water! Oh!
Okay, I'll be right back.
Water! Water, water, water!
Whoo! Oh, oh.
All right, let's go.
Hey, what about your water?
Would you just come on?!
( sizzling and gurgling )
H-hey, what's that stuff
they're dropping in the burgers?
I don't know, but I bet
that's what's making those burgers grow so big.
We should get some of that stuff for Good Burger.
No, man, stuff like that's got to be illegal.
It is illegal.
Whoo! Oh...!
is way illegal.
But I tell you what.
It sure makes burgers nice and "enormo."
Oh, yeah, that's all well and good, but
what happens to all those
nice, innocent people
when they eat your "enormo" burgers?
Uh-oh. Don't care, ladies.
Ooh! Uh...
( laughing )
Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.
But when those people find out
that you're putting illegal stuff in their meat
you're going to find yourself in jail.
That is why nobody outside this kitchen
is going to find out.
What do you expect us to do, keep our mouths shut?
No. I'll keep your mouths shut.
Ed, run!
( groans )
Okay, hot pants,
now, I'm tired of playing games.
I want to know what's in your sauce.
Well, you can forget it.
You're not going to get Ed's sauce.
I want to know what's in your sauce.
Dude, you need a Tic Tac.
That coils it.
You guys are grass.
What are we going to do with them?
Get our pal Wade on the phone.
Demented Hills?
( tires screeching )
Hey, all right, yeah, hey, easy, man, easy.
Yeah, all right, uh-huh, see, you'd like to...
You'll never be half the man your mama was.
( grunting )
Hey, man, you better let me go!
( grunting )
Hey, man, open the door!
I'm not going to tell you again!
All right, maybe I'll tell you one more time.
Open this door, please?! Oh...!
Look, Dex, the walls are padded!
Look what I can do!
( singing )
( singing continues )
( singing and grunting )
I don't get it.
I-I just don't get it.
Where could they be?
I'm really worried, you guys.
Hey! I'm a dude
He's a dude
She's a dude
We're all dudes
Hey! I'm a dude...
Uh, huh... hi.
I'm a psychopath.
I'm Ed.
Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain
and told you to break into the zoo
and free the kangaroos?
Not that I recall.
Do you think I'm cute?
Sure. Huh.
What's cute about me?
Um... your head.
You have a cute head, too.
( laughing )
Well, I try to keep it nice.
So, what you in for?
I got in trouble for breaking into the zoo
and freeing all the kangaroos.
( nervous chuckle )
My name is Heather.
Really? My mom's name is Heather.
( chuckles )
I like you, Ed.
Uh... go fish.
Would you stop eating the cards?
And quit poking me.
Are you crazy?
I got to play cards with these folk?!
Would you quit it?!
You're nasty!
Ah, hey, dude.
( grunting )
( chuckling )
Hey, they gave me a jacket just like that.
( grunting )
Need some help?
( grunting )
Huh! Okay.
( growling )
( clattering and yelling )
WOMAN: He's loose! Look out!
( pandemonium continues )
Oh! Goodness gracious, he's killing Sidney!
Open it.
There's the fridge.
Go get the sauce, dudes.
Got it.
( laughing )
What's going on in here?
Stop waving that dang light in my face.
Who are you?
Your mama. Who are you?
It's the old guy that works here.
Well, what are you doing here this late?
Sleeping, till you woke my butt up.
What's that junk you're pouring into our sauce?
Shut up, old man.
Don't be rude to the elderly.
The old man asked us a question.
Now, it's called shark poison,
and it's going to make all
your little Good Burger customers very, very sick.
So sick that I doubt anybody
will ever want to eat here again.
I'm calling the cops.
You're not calling anyone.
( door opens )
In you go.
Join your buddies.
( muffled grunting )
Otis, you came to visit, huh?
( frustrated growling )
Oh, I'm fine, and you?
Help me get him out of this!
Do I look like I came to visit?!
Where am I?
What's going on?
They kidnapped us.
Why'd they bring you here?
'Cause I caught those little Mondo brats
dumping shark poison in our sauce.
Shark poison?!
Wow, why do they want to harm those innocent sharks?
Will you forget about the sharks?
That stuff's going to harm innocent people.
Can you get to a phone?
There's no chance.
We got to get out of this place.
What time is it?
I'll tell you.
It's 6:00 a.m.
Good Burger opens at 10:00.
That means we only got four hours to warn them.
But how are we going to get out of here?
You just let me handle that part.
Good morning, patients.
It's medication time.
I'll be back in ten minutes with your various prescriptions.
( Latin ballroom music playing )
Ooh, that music sucks.
Yeah, it does.
Well, hang on. Huh.
Hey, dude, I'll be right back.
Where you going?
Ed? Ed?
( changing channels )
Um, Ed?
Hey, I don't think you should be touching
the knob on the...
( funk music playing )
...on the radio dial.
Heh, heh.
Huh, huh, huh, huh-huh...
Come on, dance with me.
Come on, huh. Feel it?
Come on, everybody.
Yeah, let's have some fun! Yeah!
Get on up! Yeah!
Yeah, cool!
Hey, check out the kooks.
Aren't they something?
Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, ho-ow
Something about her
She always make me dance
Something about her
She always make me dance
She turns me on and on and all about
She was a freak
Never missing a beat, yeah
She was a freak
Boy, was it neat
Not just knee deep, she was totally deep
When she did the freak with me
She did the freak
Never missing a beat, yeah
She did the freak
Boy, was it neat, yeah
She did the freak
The girl's a freak
The girl never misses a beat, yeah, yeah
Not just knee deep, she was totally deep
When she did the freak with me
She did the jerk...
How y'all doing?
It didn't work, no
She did the monkey
It wasn't funky no more
I bet y'all got some moves, huh?
No, I-I really couldn't do that.
Yeah, I'm not very good at that.
Oh, come on, now.
You know you...
It's against regulations.
And when she dance, it set the world on fire...
See? Bobbin' your head.
The little girl is the freak of the week
When she dance, she give me happy feet
Ooh, she's the freak of my desire
GUARDS ( chanting ): Hey, ho, hey, ho...
Come on, y'all, let's party.
Yeah, she's the freak of the week
She did the freak...
( grunting )
Never missing a beat, yeah
She was a freak...
Boy, was it neat, yeah
Not just knee deep, she was totally deep
When she did the freak with me
She did the jerk
It didn't work, no
I did the moose
Oh, no, not the moose
Monkey wasn't funkin'
Chicken wasn't pickin'...
Go, go, go, out!
DEXTER: In here.
( growling )
I think I picked a bad room.
Just don't make any sudden moves.
What's up, dude?
Huh! Give me five!
On the black-hand side-- Huh, yeah! Hey, cool!
( laughing )
Leave it to you to make friends
with a vicious psychopath.
MAN ( over P.A. ): Attention! Seal all exit doors.
There is an escape attempt in progress.
Seal all exit doors.
( alarms buzzing )
Can we open any of these windows?
Uh-uh, you can't-- they're hermetically sealed,
made of triple-thick, bulletproof glass.
( alarms buzzing )
Mister huge scary man,
can you help me open one of these windows?
( growling )
Cool. Go ahead, man, do your thing. ( growling )
Hey, man, what you think you doing?
Oh, mercy, now...
Try to open the window! Oh, man!
( screaming )
( thud )
DEXTER: Thank you!
MAN: Hey! Try this one!
They're coming. You two better hurry.
You don't got to tell me twice.
( screams )
Ed... hurry!
All right,
but before I go, I just want to tell you,
you're the nicest, prettiest psychopath I've ever met.
Oh, you're so sweet.
( sniffling )
( grunting )
( screaming )
Get off of me!
( grunting )
( all grunting )
Would you...
get up?
All right.
That way.
Come on.
MAN: I'll check my phone!
This way! This way!
Harry, you go that way!
MAN 2: Okay! Follow me, Steve.
( grunting )
DEXTER: All right, come on this way.
( grunting )
( tires squeal )
Oh, oh...
Here's one for you, and a vanilla pop for you,
and an ice cream sandwich,
and a chocolate pop...
Hey, what are you doing?!
Stealing your truck.
Yeah, we'll bring it back.
( horn honking )
Come on!
( child-like melody plays )
Oh, ice cream tune!
Will you turn that off?
Ice cream man!
Oh, sorry. No ice cream for you today.
Got to go. Got to get back to Good Burger.
Oh, oh...
( yelling )
( tires squeal )
( horn blaring )
( horns blaring )
( horn blaring )
Good Burger's about to open, man.
We got to get there
and make sure nobody eats that poison sauce.
DEXTER: Man, they're gaining on us!
ED: Whoa, ice cream cones! Look!
I got funky pops, monster-cicles,
and lemon juice pops! Huh!
Ed, this is no time for frozen treats, all right?
Yeah, but...
Wait. Wait. Give me one.
Oh, here you go.
What was that?
I think it's a fudgesicle.
Give me some more.
Get out of here!
( laughs )
Have some vanilla!
Take that! Huh!
And a little bit of that! Huh!
Have some raspberry sorbet!
( yelling )
ED: How do you like me now?
I'm a dude throwing ice cream!
French vanilla! Yeah!
Take some chocolate!
Yeah! Fudge!
Oh! Yeah, there you go, baby!
Oh... ( kisses )
Yeah, they're going to have you on This Old Homey.
MAN: Nice box, Wheat.
DRIVER: I can't see.
I can't see!
( Wheat screams )
No! No!
Watch it, fellas! Stop!
Look out! Look out!
Oh, no! Come on!
Whoo! Lost 'em.
Hi. Welcome to Good Burger,
home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order?
I'll have a Good Burger... with extra sauce.
Oh! That sounds delightful.
I'll have the same thing.
Better step on it.
Here's your order: two Good Burgers, extra sauce.
Thank you.
( tires squeal )
( horn honks )
Oh, poo. I wanted mustard.
( tires squeal )
Ed, hurry!
Don't let anyone eat a Good Burger.
( screams )
Come on, Otis.
( screaming )
( yelling )
( groaning )
Get him off me.
What's going on? What the...?
Ed! Ed! Ed! What are you doing?
Ed, get off!
Ed, off the elderly.
Ed, Ed, are you okay?
What happened?
I just tackled some old lady.
Cool. All right, Ed!
Way to go.
Excuse me, would one of you two mind telling me
why this is a good thing?
This is why-- Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce.
How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?
We'll explain it to you later.
Right now, just keep everyone from eating that sauce,
and call the cops.
Come on, Ed.
Where are we going?
To get a can of triambythal.
What for?
I need a hot Jacuzzi.
Shall I ring?
Man, you can't just walk up there and ring the bell
and say "Howdy do, neighbor."
We got to find a way to sneak into the kitchen somehow.
I got an idea. Huh.
Follow me.
Where are you doing?
Oh, dear, careful.
Maybe you should...
I don't know if...
Whoo! Shouldn't you have a harness or some rope?
Come on, it's easy!
Yeah, easy for you!
Climb on a truck?!
I don't even know the person that owns this truck.
And I got to do my thing...
Now... all right,
now jump on that pipe thingy.
I... I'm... I'm...
( engine starts )
( grunting and gasping )
All right.
You got it.
Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe.
( grunting )
( grunting )
Over here!
Over here. Come on!
What are you doing in the straw?
It's right over the kitchen. I can see it!
Come on!
How do expect me to get up there?
Oh, it's easy.
You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry,
and then you hop on the cup, and then shimmy up the straw.
What is this, American Gladiators?
Come on!
All right.
( grunting )
Can't believe this man got me...
climbing on a straw!
Ooh! Wow, Good Burger looks so small from up here.
( coughs )
Ed? Ed, Ed, are you in there?
Here, take my hand.
( yelling )
Ed? Ed?!
Again! Again! That was cool!
Shh! Listen, listen.
I'm gonna go into that kitchen.
Then I want you to count to ten,
and come in there and get a can of that chemical
and hightail it back to Good Burger, all right?
All right, okay. All right.
two... three...
Hey, everybody!
What's happening?
How'd you get here?
Ooh! Look at this fancy kitchen.
You know, Mama never had one of these
with the electronic numbers.
We always had to turn the knobs...
Let's get him!
...wait for the little ding...
If I were you...
I wouldn't come any closer.
Get him.
( yelling )
Get him!
Come on, guys.
Let's go! Let's go!
( gasps )
Oh, oh.
( mischievous chuckle )
Go! Around the other way!
( gasps )
All right, punk... the game is over.
Yeah. Your game is over,
because right now, my man Ed
is on his way down to the police station
with a can of your illegal triambythal.
Hey, Dex, got it! Huh.
Get it! Give me that. Oh!
Nice try, dudes, but you mess with Kurt,
and you go in the grinder.
HOLMES: Here you go, boss.
Thanks, Holmes.
This can's empty.
( all snickering )
What an idiot.
Stole an empty can.
Ed, you stole a empty can?!
It wasn't empty when I found it. Huh.
( phone rings )
( both grunt )
( woman screams )
( low rumbling )
Oh... MAN: Hey!
What's going on?
I don't know.
( all grunting )
The kitchen! Go!
Come on!
Come on.
Come on, Ed, let's go!
( Ed whimpering )
( electrical crackling )
Grill! We got to stop the grill!
Let's get out of here!
( clamoring and yelling )
( glass breaking )
( woman screaming )
( metallic creaking )
( crashing )
( grunting )
( singing softly )
Must be a shift change.
( alarm chirping )
( deep rumbling ) Huh?
( screaming, wailing )
( alarm tones going haywire )
( alarm chirps )
( sobbing ): Why?
What have I done?
( siren blaring )
KURT: What, are you going to put cuffs on me, huh?
Relax, sir, it's going to be okay.
You tell me if these are too tight, all right?
KURT: You don't understand!
But none of this is my fault, okay?
I mean... I don't know.
Hey, let's go help him out. Huh.
KURT: Listen, I can explain everything.
This is all just a big misunderstanding.
( siren wails )
I don't understand. I don't know what happened.
Oh, sure you do.
Why don't you go on ahead
and tell your little police friend
that you made your big Beefy Burgers
all big and beefy
by using illegal food additives.
Is that true?
No! He's lying! You're lying!
You're full of crap!
Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out,
and we'll see who's lying.
I think you better come with us.
Man, you're out of your minds.
You're crazy, man!
You know who I am? Huh?
Yeah, I know, I know.
Bye-bye. Hey, hey,
when you mess with Good Burger...
BOTH: you go in the grinder!
( Ed laughing )
DEXTER: Oh, dog,
you enjoy prison now.
Kurt's going to jail, Kurt's going to jail
Kurt's going to jail, jail, jail
Kurt's going to jail, Kurt's going to jail... ( siren blares )
Jail, jail, jail
Kurt's going to jail, Kurt's going to jail
Kurt's going to jail, jail, jail.
( grunting )
Excuse me for a second.
( pained grunting )
Mr. Wheat,
I can't, I can't...
I can fix it. I can fix it.
...have a couple words for...
I can fix it. I can fix it. Uh!
Uh, Mr. Wheat?
I don't have a lot of time,
but I do got a couple words for you.
( grunting ) Look here.
Here's about half of the money
that I owe you for your car,
and I guess I'll have the other half
by the end of the summer.
You enjoy your car!
Bye-bye, now.
I'll give you some money. Help me out!
Man, just help me get the burger off.
Ooh-hoo, come on, Ed.
So, you poured that stuff in that meat, didn't you?
Huh, I had to.
You had to?
Sure. See, I knew if I took the can,
there was a good chance I'd get caught. Huh.
Then I thought, even if I did take
the triambythal to the proper authorities,
huh, Kurt would hire some high-powered attorneys
who would dispute any charges
brought against him or Mondo Burger,
by manipulating the legal system.
And the way that America's court system
is congested these days,
it would have taken months to convict him of anything.
So then I thought,
I'll take matters into my own hands
and just pour the triambythal
into the meat supply and let Mondo Burger
be a victim of its own foul play.
Ha! Huh!
Oh, wait-wait- wait-wait.
You thought of all that?
Yeah, sure.
I'm not stupid. Huh.
Well, look, Ed, about this contract, man,
what do you say we just... forget it?
Wait, y-you don't want to be partners?
Well, no.
Is it because I'm black?
No, it's not because you're...
'cause I'm...
All right, look, forget it.
All right, we can be partners,
but the money is yours, all right?
All of it.
So, we're still buddies?
Oh, you know it. ( laughs )
Cool. Huh.
Um, Dexter?
I-I just want to say that, well,
I'm really going to miss you...
a lot.
And, um... I will always remember you,
Dexter Reed, in my thoughts
and in my heart.
( sobbing ): Good-bye, my friend!
( Dexter grunting )
Uh, Ed?
Um, Ed?
I'm not going anywhere, man.
Oh... oh... oh...
That's right, baby, yeah!
Here come the heroes!
( cheering and applause )
Let's hear it for the man
who saved Good Burger, huh? Yeah!
( cheering )
Go, Ed! Oh!
ALL ( chanting ): Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed... What? What? What? What? What?
Come on, what? Come on.
Come on.
( chanting continues )
Aw... aw!
Speech, speech...
MAN: Yeah, speech!
Yeah, come on, Ed, say something.
Well, I guess there's only way thing left to say:
( singsongy ): Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger.
Can I take your order?
( bells tinkling lightly )
( intro to "We're All Dudes" playing )
It's time to put hard times behind
Get all the bad things off your mind
He's feeling good, she's feeling good
We're feeling good, yeah
Just hanging out, just havin' fun
We're number one
Just hanging out, just havin' fun
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
There's nothing better than your friends
There's no problem you can't win
Someone that's always got your back
Not caring about this or that
Just hanging out, just havin' fun
We're number one
Just hanging out, just havin' fun
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey...
( instrumental break )
It's all about meeting new faces
A smile upon your face and you can't erase it
Party it on, it's going on, huh
Party it on till the break of dawn, ho
It's time to put hard times behind
Get all the bad things off your mind
Just hanging out, just havin' fun
We're number one
Just hanging out, just havin' fun
Just hanging out, just havin' fun
We're number one, whoa
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey.
Whoa, huh, whoa.
Wh-What are we doing now?
Oh, huh, we're breaking it down.
Huh. Yeah!
Huh, yeah, huh. Go on!
Rock on, dude, ha-ha.
Whoa! Whoa!
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey
I'm a dude, he's a dude
She's a dude, we're all dudes, hey-ey.
Kel and Less Than Jake, huh.
Uh, uh, uh, no?
G and Snoop, homeys from the jump and the get go, get go
Devoted and quoted back in '84, growin' up in the LBC
Platinum city, where the big gamers be
Involved in everythang from Pop Warner, Pop Warner
To what's poppin' on every corner
Find a skirt if you wanna
Tryin' to come up in this world
Where everything is drama
Beverly was like my mama
W-A-double R-E-N
Tryin' to get in where I can fit in
Catchin' a bus with a homey I can trust
Three homeys from the hood, straight kickin' up dust
Enjoyin' my days and everythang is fine
15 years old Snoop d whoop on the grind
Tryin' to find ways to make it, dice, shake it
Young, havin' fun, like...
CHORUS: We be havin' fun
No one could do the things that we do
I remember all the scams we been through, together
Nobody does it better on which you do the weather
The days we used to call first year playin' get like me
Gettin in fo of zines, I loved 'em, I loved 'em
Long Beach was the hometown
And every spot that we rocked, you know we got down
Outside at the club just spittin' raps
And every busta that ran up was gettin' cracked
Underground tapes used to be the claim to fame
Long Beach Was A Mutha was a classic mane
Tellin' tales about how we was strugglin', strugglin'
And surrounded wit tha homeys that was all clubbin'
Tryin' to make it in this music
Quick fast, quick cash, and hittin' on the quick dash
We in this game to make hits
And make everybody...
CHORUS: We be havin' fun
No one could do the thing that we do
We be havin' fun
No one could do the thing that we do
We be havin' fun...
( song fades )