Good Guy, The (2009) Movie Script
Hello?
Beth, hey.
Can you let me up?
I, uh--
I'm locked out of my apartment
and I lost my wallet and my keys.
No. You can't come up right now.
Is someone up there with you?
No.
Is it him?
Look, Beth, I--
I'm locked out.
And I have had the worst night
of my life and I--
Look, if you help me,
I'll leave you alone.
Okay? Both of you.
I feel sorry for you, Tommy.
I do.
Have you ever been lied to
by someone you trusted completely?
Just had your little heart torn out
and shoved down your throat?
Trust me, it's not nearly
as fun as it sounds.
I hate to admit it,
but I was totally blindsided
by the whole thing.
And I deal with the best liars
In the world every day.
I'm shorted another hundred thousand.
That's right, every sale's a good one.
Take that spin off the fucking tape
or I'm gonna come through this phone
and bite your fucking eyes out.
Okay, talk to you later.
...is up 30 percent,
top line is flat.
It's not my fault you own this dodgy stock.
Don't worry, don't worry,
you're in good hands.
Half a million Johnny-John
to travel, who's in?
This girl is a-fucking-mazing.
Is anybody gonna get me fucking done
on the Cisco, please?
Make some calls, people, please.
Yeah, just hold for me.
How, you're done at 50 thou on the figure,
Jen'll call you with the report.
- All right? Did you get that 50,000?
- Calling him now.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
My whole system just crashed again.
Where is Iceman?
You sent him out for coffee.
Hey, Shakes,
am I filling that Microsoft yet, or--
I'm working it, man.
- where the fuck is my latte?
- Probably still with Iceman.
Shakespeare, it's fucking Microsoft.
Just put it up.
- Okay.
- Bobby, stay with me, all right?
- He's working it. I'll have it done soon.
- what is the point
of having an Army geek computer nerd
If he is never fucking here?
A Princeton diploma and three years
In the Air Force put to good use.
Thank you, Daniel.
And 63 cents change.
Listen, Daniel, my computer
has crashed again.
Would you mind taking a look
When you get the chance?
Well, did you check and see if you just
kicked out the plug again?
It was kind of acting up
before that, though.
Thanks, soldier.
You know, when I first started,
he used to send me
to McDonald's every day.
Double quarter pounder with cheese,
hold the pickles.
Doesn't really bother me that much.
You won't be here in a year
If you keep on serving coffee to that prick.
Well, I like working with computers,
but to be honest,
the stuff that I'm doing here--
I'd rather do what you do at some point.
''This is the saddest
story I have ever heard.''
Thus begins the classic novel
The Good Soldier,
In one of the most memorable
first lines in modern fiction.
Well, that sounds
about as fun as date rape.
No kidding, I vote for Lolita.
Then it's sex with minors by a landslide.
Can we read
The Good Soldier next, though?
Can't we ever read something
With a happy ending?
This is New York City.
The only happy endings are in Chinatown.
- No offense.
- None taken. I'm Korean.
Are you really?
No. what's wrong with you people?
Have a good night, Tommy.
You too, Irv.
- Taxi?
- Donny. Yes, please.
For all the excitement and glamour,
Life in the big city
does have its downside.
I mean, if you thought
Wall Street was full of bullshitters,
you should try having
a relationship here.
And maybe it's like this
everywhere nowadays,
but it just feels like
a war zone here sometimes.
I know everyone has
some kind of a history.
It's not like I've always been a saint.
You know, I guess I just hoped things
Would be different with Beth.
You've been dating for two months
and you still haven't had sex?
You made Rich wait about two hours.
Maybe your first time
With him could be in Italy.
- You never know.
- Aw.
- That would be lovely.
- Cheesy.
What would you do if Rich left his wife?
Where did that come from?
Hi. I hope I'm not interrupting.
Oh, hey.
No, we were just
talking about shopping.
- Oh, I'm sure you were.
- Yeah.
You know Jordan.
This is Lisa, Susan, and Jill.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Would you guys like
to go grab a drink with us?
- My treat?
- Oh, thanks, but we're
meeting my boyfriend Bill
and some of his friends.
From Facebook.
- Bye.
- He's adorable.
- Oh.
- He's hot. If you don't do him, I will.
- Okay.
- Bye, Tommy. Nice to meet you.
- Have fun.
- what was she whispering to you?
Maybe I'll tell you in Italy.
Do you think it means something
that we're both left-handed?
We'd only need one pair of scissors
If we moved in together.
Isn't it a little early to be talking
about sharing scissors?
Does it bother you that
I'm not doing anything...
amazing with my life?
There's plenty of time for that.
Yeah. I don't want to end up
Like my boss Cash, you know?
Like, almost 50,
nothing to show for it but a bad marriage
and an awesome set of golf clubs.
Yeah. My boss is 42 and she's never
been married or anything.
I don't think she's ever even been in love.
Have you?
I thought so.
But I think that when somebody turns out
to be completely different
than what you thought,
It doesn't really count.
What happened with
your last girlfriend?
Christie.
It just wasn't right.
You want to get that?
Yeah, no.
Thought he stopped calling.
He did. He started again.
We all have a past, Beth.
It's-- It's how you deal with it.
I just got off the phone with the people
on the Battery Park dig.
They uncovered an old wall
that I think could be from
the original Dutch settlement here.
Oh, my God.
- That's amazing.
- well, they're not gonna see it that way
once they realize it's gonna set
their construction back a few months
While we excavate.
Oh, and Beth?
This could be something
Worth presenting in Florence.
What the fuck
do you want me to do, Robert?
- I am here--
- I gotta hop, this guy's killing me.
God, I love the mute button.
There are five other calls
I can make here, Tommy.
You gotta release me.
I understand that, Bobby.
Just give me one second, okay?
Hey, Shakes, this guy's
a really good client.
You can't just put this up for me?
I don't care if he's the fucking Pope.
How do I know he's
not gonna fuck me over?
I'm hanging up, Tommy.
Okay, one call.
Then you can go and let
every other loser on wall Street
fuck this up for you, okay?
Fine. But keep me on the wire
and don't fucking mute me.
Okay. Baker, didn't you say you had
a big seller the other day?
Yeah, Pacific. we're still
In the penalty box with him.
Okay, you know what?
Give him to me.
Page five.
You know you guys
are still cut off, right?
Hey. This is actually Tom Fielding.
I run the sales desk over here.
How you doing, Tom?
John Caldwell.
I was calling to ask
a yes or no question, all right?
Fine.
Are you potentially interested
In trading Microsoft today, yes or no?
Potentially.
But not with you guys.
Bobby, this is gonna happen.
Now, just FYl,
I have a guy looking
for a pretty big chunk.
Maybe half a mil.
- Does that interest you?
- Potentially. Sure.
Unfortunately, John, I don't have
the luxury of a lot of time here.
My guy's real.
He's on the phone for one call.
And that's you. Half a mil?
On the wire, last print, in or out?
Put it up.
Great. Now, this is just me asking.
Would you be able to go larger?
Hey, half a mil,
trying to go bigger.
- Are you trying to front run me?
- No.
You just gotta trust me,
just a little bit, okay, John?
Two million.
Could go to two million here.
No, it's not Bill Gates on the line.
He's a mutual fund guy,
just like you.
Well, he's got a lot more hair
and he's a little better looking.
Fine. Make it read two.
Okay. ls two million your total picture?
Why? ls he trying to move more?
What's he saying.
Are we done here? Let's go!
Is he trying to move more?
All right, gentlemen,
I'm on the phone with both you right now.
I think this ticket reads five million
and we all walk away.
That be on a cleanup?
I knew he had more behind that.
You're a genius.
Seriously, Bobby,
Is this a cleanup for you?
No bullshit.
Five million, I go home and fuck
my Polish housekeeper twice.
It's a cleanup, John.
Okay, fine.
Put it up.
But, oh, Tom?
You'll still be in the box
for a week, though.
Cross at five million, clean.
See how far a little trust can get you?
Another record down today
on wall Street today
With all major indexes--
The Bargello and Accademia
are great, but skip the Uffizi.
What about those Botticellis?
And Michelangelo's only oil painting?
There's a reason he stopped after one.
It's just for tourists.
I am a tourist.
Hi.
Is everything okay?
Why?
What happened?
Funding constraints.
The agency cut all international travel.
So, what's the good news?
How would you like to be
head of urban conservation?
- You're quitting?
- Not here.
In San Francisco.
Hey. where were you?
I'm sorry. I just changed now
and I'm on the way.
- Are you still up?
- It's 10:00.
- what happened?
- lf I have to listen
to one more hedge fund douchebag
talk to me about private jet timeshares,
I swear to God I'm gonna
shoot myself in the face.
Yeah, well, my trip
got canceled today.
Grab your stuff
and meet me downstairs.
Huh?
- Grab your stuff.
- where are we going?
Don't worry about it.
All right. Step out.
Okay.
And one big step up.
Right there.
I'm gonna take this off you.
You gotta keep
your eyes closed, okay?
Are you sure we're still in the city?
Yeah, just-- just--
- Here.
- Here we go.
- Great.
- Eyes closed.
I'll be keeping an eye on you.
No peeking.
I'm not.
- I saw that.
- what?
You peek again,
I'm gonna take you home.
- Keep them closed.
- Okay.
Almost there.
All right, turn this way.
Now, open your eyes.
Oh, my God.
Where are we?
It's as close to Tuscany
as I could get in Manhattan.
Come on.
Come on, this way.
It gets better.
- Come on.
- This is so beautiful.
How did you find this place?
You know.
I gotta keep some surprises.
I'm sorry your trip got canceled.
Thank you.
One more surprise.
May I have this dance?
Yes.
Wait.
I think I have something.
I just didn't want to be one of those girls
Who sleeps with a lot of guys.
I don't want you to sleep
With a lot of guys.
Right.
I'll do it.
- Other way.
- Oh, sorry.
Okay.
Yeah, Frank,
you are all done for the day.
No, thank you.
That is 100,000 CRM
to williams for the day.
And Shakespeare,
have I ever told you
how handsome you are?
Somebody's in a good mood today.
- Tom.
- Yep?
Got a second?
So, what's up?
I got an offer from another firm.
About twice what I'm making here.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, I'd hate to lose you,
but if I go to Cash with this,
especially right now,
the way things are,
he might agree to a little kiss,
but a double?
No way.
I know, I figured.
All right, look.
You gotta do what's right for you.
Are you thinking about taking it?
You already did.
Well, man, what can I say?
It's been a great run.
It's gonna be tough to replace you.
I like that a lot.
Listen, I gotta go, okay?
No, you hang up first.
No, you hang up.
Twenty-one-year-old physical therapist.
Thousand bucks a month
for a studio on the Upper East Side.
- A home run.
- Sounds like it.
You gotta see her.
She's so fucking hot.
You should invite her to your place
for the mid-year dinner.
Yeah. She can sit
right next to my wife.
Can you imagine?
Who you bringing, hotshot?
That Christie girl still in the picture?
No. Beth. You met her at the golf event.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
That brunette who wouldn't fuck you.
Listen, can I just talk to you off the desk,
just for a second?
So, she did fuck you.
How long was that woman,
Like, two months or something?
Jesus, that girl was your sexual Vietnam.
Not saying a word.
And so you just let him walk out.
He's your top guy for two years.
He already took the job.
He didn't want to make a scene.
Well, there's gonna be
a big fucking scene tomorrow,
When 20 of our biggest accounts call
and no one's answering the fucking phone.
We'll hire someone else.
That will take weeks.
Why the fuck didn't you let me talk to him?
I could convince that fucking
cocksucker to stay.
They guaranteed him two million a year
for two years,
- plus upside.
- How much are we paying him?
Seven fifty this year--
a buck, tops.
Yeah, okay, we were too low.
All right, mister head of sales,
What's your contingency plan?
I'm sure you have one.
I think Daniel can step up.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
That guy couldn't sell vagina
on a pirate ship.
- He's smart, he's honest.
- He's too fucking honest.
He's a fucking retarded Boy Scout.
That is exactly what
you said about Shakespeare.
- Tommy.
- It's exactly what you said about Chris Baker.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Why are guys like us good at our job?
Because people like us.
We take them out, they have a good time.
They might even meet a real, live girl.
Daniel is a lovely fellow.
He's as much fun as chlamydia.
I'm telling you this will work.
Let me remind you the value we place
on human capital here at Morgan Brothers.
- Your future--
- I understand.
Your future depends
on the depth and the quality
of the team that you build.
Now, in light of that,
I'll ask you once.
Is Daniel your guy?
Yes.
Great.
I'm telling you, this chick I'm banging in HR
said that he was discharged
early from the Air Force.
- And they sealed his file. Yes.
- Hey, hey.
- Ha-ha!
- Look, all I'm saying is
We need someone to fill
Baker's spot immediately.
And if we let Cash pick one of his guys,
We're all gonna be watching our asses.
I'm just not buying
this nice guy act, all right?
Nobody joins the military,
much less wall Street,
Without having, you know,
some kind of a dark side.
You're right, wall Street is no place
for an ambitious white male.
Of questionable integrity.
Well, I think it's gonna be great.
Yeah, of course you do, Stephens.
Finally, someone on the desk
that gets less ass than you.
All right, that settles it.
I'm leaving my wife of ten years
and I'm moving in on Steve-O's couch.
- who said you could have my couch?
- Did you say ten years?
You get married when you were, like, 24?
Yeah, I met here when I was 22.
I got married at 24.
- Christ on a bun.
- You know, it's just different.
- I'm sure I'll be there soon enough.
- Yeah.
Sorry I'm late.
- Hey.
- we're doing this whole system upgrade.
And we can only reset the servers
after you guys leave.
Plus the new software rollout
Is taking forever.
Right. Daniel, you know Chris Baker's
no longer with the firm, right?
Yeah, I heard.
- That sucks.
- Yeah, it does.
We've been talking.
And we thought that...
you'd be the right guy
to step into his spot.
Starting immediately.
- wow.
- Yeah, wow.
- He's got a lot of big accounts, though.
- Don't worry.
We'll split them up.
This is a bit of a
sink-or-swim business, mate.
Opportunities like this,
they don't come knocking often.
Yeah.
Look, I mean, we'll all
be there to help you out
till you get your legs under you.
You're gonna be
an old pro in no time.
- All right.
- we got you.
Thanks, Tommy.
I'm not gonna let you guys down.
Good. Sorry, guys, couldn't resist.
Here. Don't worry about it, drink it.
No, no, I fucking hate tequila, Tommy.
- This is the good stuff.
- Hey, do you have any lime?
Doesn't even taste like tequila.
Jeez. Here's to Daniel.
- All right.
- welcome on board.
That fucking tastes like tequila.
Tastes like honey.
I'm just saying that if I were black,
I'd just want to be called black.
You know?
It just sounds so cool.
Why would you say that?
African-American just sounds
awkward and lame.
- why would you say that?
- It's okay.
I'm allowed to speculate
about how I might feel.
I'm also ethnic.
I mean, do you really prefer
to be called African-American?
You mean despite the fact
that I'm neither of those?
- Right.
- Okay.
Okay, so in England,
What do they call a black--
Englishman.
Who are you bringing
to Cash's mid-year dinner?
- who am I bringing?
- Yeah.
I didn't know
I was supposed to bring a date.
I didn't even know
I was supposed to go.
Okay. Saturday. Homework.
Tomorrow. You guys with me.
I gotta go.
Hey. Dust someone off.
It doesn't have to be anything special.
- Ladies. Any chance, ladies?
- So, where are we gonna go now?
Any, any chance whatsoever?
I don't know, okay?
But it's Tuesday.
- I can't stay out past 3.
- we have got to go.
Hey. How's it going with the new guy?
He's fine.
Just he's one of those lost souls
that kind of dropped
off the grid for a little bit
to find himself.
I'm not so sure it worked.
Why do you want to hire him, then?
No, I mean, he's smart.
And he's a fucking computer genius.
I mean, maybe all those stupid
Army training commercials were true.
Hey, so, you coming over?
I wish I could. I just--
I gotta get up early tomorrow
to cover for Chris Baker.
I'll call you tomorrow,
though, I promise. Okay?
- Okay.
- Good night.
Would you please
stop checking on me?
Have you even talked
to anybody yet?
I feel like a total perv.
The last girl I talked to was
In the prenatal care section.
Hey. Bookstore was your idea.
I know. It's just...
not everyone is good at this stuff.
All right, Daniel.
You are a great guy.
Okay?
Any woman in this city
Would be lucky to talk to a guy like you.
Oh, my God.
You should see this girl
Who just got in the line.
There you go.
- Now go talk to her.
- I can't.
- what do I say? I don't know.
- lt'll come to you.
Just move before someone else
gets in line in front of you.
Sorry.
Where in Italy are you going?
Oh. I'm not.
I'm just returning this.
That's too bad.
It's amazing there.
Yeah. My trip there just got canceled,
so that's not really what
I need to hear, but yeah.
Did I say amazing?
I meant awful.
Full of ltalians.
Does that help at all?
Not really.
Well, you know what,
you should keep it
and put it in a place
Where you'll see it all the time,
and that way you'll always be reminded
about how much you want to go.
That might be the worst idea
I've ever heard.
Yeah, but you know
you'd end up going.
I mean, you know
What they say.
If you forget your dreams,
It's like they never existed.
Who says that?
Nobody. I just made that up.
But it's true.
Next.
Oh.
You go ahead. I think
I might keep it, actually.
Thanks.
Next in line, please.
Sir, can I help you?
Oh, I need a book.
So, question is
Which one of the three women
did he hire?
The one who redecorated the office.
- wrong.
- The one who doubled their sales.
Nope. Daniel?
Then the one who loves children.
No.
The one with the biggest tits.
That must be how Larry got the job.
One look at these man-boobs
and I was in, huh?
Hey, Daniel, you got any jokes?
Yeah, let's hear from the new guy.
Oh, I can never remember any jokes.
Oh, come on.
You gotta know at least one.
Yeah, come on, Daniel.
Well, I guess I can think of one.
But it's so stupid.
Come on, go ahead, tell it.
Okay.
What do you call
a fish with two knees?
I don't know. what?
A two-knee fish.
Like tuna, but--
You have to think about it.
That's a-- That's a classic.
- That's actually pretty good.
- That one, yeah.
- where are we going tonight?
- Should we just hit the usual petting zoo?
No. No strip clubs tonight.
Let's meet some civilians.
Yeah. Hey, hey, Daniel?
You know any girls
Who'll meet us out?
Yeah, who you got on speed dial?
I don't know a lot of women
I can just call up like that.
Well, okay.
Where's the hot spot?
You know, wednesday nights.
Wednesday?
I don't really go out much on wednesdays.
Anymore.
Anymore. This guy-- Animal.
- Nut?
- I'm okay.
Thank you.
Pick up the phone, say hello.
Go ahead, pick it up.
There's no one there.
Humor me.
- Hello?
- Good.
Hang it up and do it again.
- Hello.
- Very nice.
Pretty easy, huh?
Really fucking easy.
But I don't pay my salesmen
millions of dollars
to answer the phone.
I pay them to make it ring.
Billy Simmons called today.
He doesn't want Daniel to cover them.
Any idea why?
They're very different people.
You are on--
Sit the fuck down.
You are only going
to bat for that guy
because you know
that you will own him.
You can fool everybody else, Tom,
but you can't fool me.
He's the type of guy
I want on my team.
- He's honest, loyaI--
- Like Chris Baker?
Make no mistake,
Daniel will throw you under a fucking bus
the first day he gets a chance.
This is not sleepaway camp, Tommy.
Your job is to make me rich. Period.
Now, however you're gonna get
that guy a fucking personality,
you better do it fast,
or I'm gonna fire his Rainman ass
and get somebody in there
Who does want to take your job.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I just-- I crashed last night.
Cash is killing me about Daniel.
Really? what's wrong with him?
He's like Forrest fucking Gump.
Without the people skills.
I'm heading to SoHo
right now to work on him.
I thought we were gonna
spend the day in the park.
Beth, please. I'm being pulled
In a ton of different directions right now.
Fine. But I need to be
a priority too sometimes.
I'll call you later, I promise.
Doesn't matter what
you talk about at first,
just show the woman
that you are passionate about something.
Like what?
It's your life.
You tell me.
I don't know.
Okay. You like to read, right?
- Yeah.
- what do you love to read?
Dickens, Tolstoy.
- I like Austen, Jane Austen.
- Okay, classics.
Might be a little brainy
to start out with.
So let's see, what else?
I can give you the flight specs
for every domestic aircraft since 1950.
Classics.
Let's talk more about those.
Talk about books she might like.
But be careful, 'cause you can't act,
Iook, and talk all like the same guy.
You gotta mix it up.
What does that mean?
Just if you were a surfer,
be a surfer who likes to read.
If you're a dork, be a dork
Who likes to salsa dance.
You know? Just--
If you act boring
and you look boring,
guess what?
You're boring.
What are you doing?
Tommy, this sounds ridiculous.
It's totally fucking ridiculous,
you know?
I'm not telling you
the way things should be.
I'm telling you how they are.
And unfortunately, a woman,
Within three seconds,
Is gonna notice whether or not
your shoes match your pants
or your shirt's buttoned up too high
or it's tucked in when it shouldn't be
or you have a cell phone
attached to your woven belt.
This is--
Look, when you were overseas,
didn't you find any, like,
really cool clothes?
You want me to wear
a sarong to work?
Look, I can't stand guys that try
to make a statement with what they wear.
- It's not me.
- Daniel.
I'm not trying to turn you into some big city,
man cougar prick like Cash
or any of those guys.
All I'm saying is, unfortunately,
What you wear does
make a statement to women,
and your statement right now is,
''Hi. welcome to Blockbuster.''
We're going in here.
Can you help this guy out?
What did you have in mind
for little Tommy Hilfiger here?
Just something he can wear out in public.
I'm right here, guys.
I can hear what you're saying.
Maybe something casual sexy.
- Sounds about right.
- How sexy?
Medium.
Or small sexy.
Tommy, you didn't have to pay for this.
No, it's worth it.
Hey, I forgot my clothes.
- Yeah. Leave them.
- Yeah, but those are Banana Republic.
Exactly.
You still haven't told Tommy
about San Francisco?
Fuck.
I keep putting it off.
It would just put
so much pressure on things.
Yeah, but you're running out of time.
God, I hope my fucking vibrator
appreciates this.
Hey, isn't Lisa supposed to be here?
I don't know, maybe she didn't want
to have her vagina torn off.
- Hello?
- Hey, where are you?
I'm home.
Can you guys come over?
- Yeah, what's wrong?
- Oh, bitch fucker.
Bill left his email account
open on his computer.
We'll be right there.
Don't go early.
Don't go early.
Don't go early.
Ow, son of a bitch!
Steve-O, you're at, like, a ten.
I need you down
at a shut the fuck up.
Fuck right off, okay?
Come on, let's go again.
- Does it hurt that bad?
- There you go. Shot.
- Refill. Jesus.
- All right, now, everybody listen, listen.
- Daniel?
- Yes.
What have you learned today?
To show your customers
that they want something
- that you have and--
- No sales pitch, right?
People see that shit coming
a mile away, right?
How do you do it?
Fuck me!
What is wrong
With the American people?
I don't know.
How do you do it?
- How do I do it?
- Yeah.
Never kiss someone's ass.
- You're better off just fucking with them.
- It's a lot more fun.
Okay, so first thing Monday morning
I'm gonna call all my accounts and say,
''Hey, you fat fucks,
you wanna buy some stock?''
Was that a joke?
- lt was bad, I'm sorry.
- You're not even listening.
- I need you to focus, okay?
- Sorry.
All right, and stop apologizing so much.
Sorry. Shit.
Look, the reason these rules
are important is because
they're the same rules
that apply to meeting women,
Which is even more important
for you to learn.
Wait. women don't actually
Like being insulted.
That's misogynist bullshit.
No. what women hate
Is getting lied to by guys
Who are just trying to sleep with them.
What if I'm not just
trying to sleep with them?
Then you're gay.
Fuck!
God, that actually hurts a lot.
Had to get him distracted.
Here's to Iceman...
not learning anything, ever.
That's a horrible game.
I think my sperm count
Is officially lower.
Let's do it again.
All I'm saying is that obviously,
something was really wrong
If you were already that suspicious.
Oh, but that doesn't give me the right
to go snooping around like that.
Oh, will you listen to yourself?
Your boyfriend cheats on you
and you're mad at yourself
for catching him.
People do make mistakes, Jordan.
Locking your keys in the car
With the engine running is a mistake.
Repeatedly fucking your ex-girlfriend
Is not a mistake.
Jordan, come on.
He said it was only the one time.
That is such bullshit.
Infidelities are like cockroaches.
For every one you catch,
there are a hundred you don't.
Hey, you're not helping her right now.
Can you just be supportive and not turn this
Into some stupid male-bashing session?
Where's Tommy tonight?
You know what your problem is?
You wouldn't know what to do
If a great guy just threw himself at you.
At least I'm giving myself
a chance to be happy.
Maybe use your sensitive side.
- Show that off.
- Yes.
Use the fact that you are
a complete pussy to your advantage.
Coming from the guy
that brought the piata and the blindfold.
Hit the thing.
- what's pink?
- Xanax, man.
You can take whatever you want
and you'll sleep like a rock.
- Yellow.
- Yellow is Ecstasy.
I left my glow sticks back in 1997.
- what's blue?
- Blue's Viagra.
It's perfect for you.
- I'm good, thanks.
- No, my friend.
Power up, okay?
Like, the ladies expect it these days.
Never take a knife
to a gunfight, mate.
Gunfight. That's a nice metaphor.
Don't listen to these guys.
No tourists.
You ready to be released
Into the wild?
Hey, guys.
We got everybody.
No, honey, we don't need these.
She's beautiful.
You think so?
- Yeah.
- You should tell her.
Do you have water?
I'm sure she gets hit on
all the time, though.
You're probably right,
she probably does get hit on all the time
by guys who don't
actually care, you know,
If she's a Gemini
or what her cat's name is.
But I'm not asking you to go over there
and feed her a line.
I just want you to go talk to her.
You keep telling me what
I'm not supposed to do.
I don't know what
I'm supposed to say.
I'm in the low self-esteem business.
If a girl's parents are still together,
I just move on.
Doesn't really matter
What I say to women.
I have an English accent.
You know what? All right.
Two girls, end of the bar.
Go talk to them.
Okay.
- what, right now?
- Yeah, right now.
Which one do you like better?
I don't know.
Blonde, I guess.
- Rookie.
- Totally.
No questions.
No questions, just go.
Go.
Wait, come back.
Come back.
- what?
- That right there.
What is that?
I told you about that.
Okay, now go.
Do you actually believe
any of that shit you just said?
- Some of it.
- You think he's gonna pull it off?
Not a fucking prayer.
Excuse me.
Pass me a napkin? Please?
Thank you.
De-entry.
I feel stupid.
You look stupid.
Let me get this straight, Daniel.
Okay? You could fly a jet
at Mach 3 speeds
for, like, 72 hours with a plastic tube
up your cock,
but you can't go talk
to two dental hygienists
- for 10 seconds.
- Actually, I was an avionics engineer.
- we never had--
- No. I don't-- No excuses.
You gotta be able to do this.
You have to.
What about that one over there?
- Oh, totally gross.
- And what about the blonde over there?
I want to touch her where she pees.
That is a good-looking white girl.
Ring. Ring.
Oh, fuck, you're right.
Oh, how 'bout that one?
- That's a handsome woman.
- Look at her ass.
She might as well have a tail,
and she's ugly.
You know, some people
might say the way
you guys talk about women is ugly.
Yeah, but we're only ugly
on the inside, so it's okay.
Oh, that-- that is a beautiful woman.
She totally wants to have
a sexy party with me.
She does not want to have
a sexy party with you.
She wants to have
a sexy party with me.
Steve-O, fine.
Go ahead. Talk to her.
But none of that shock and awe bullshit
you usually pull.
Someone has to show
Danny how to do this, okay?
- You don't have to--
- I don't do that shit anymore, okay?
Sexy party.
Okay. None of that scorched earth bullshit.
I'm serious.
Well, hello there, Rodeo.
Who's up for a Jager bomb?
I don't think she's having it, mate.
A Grey Goose and soda?
Yeah, just one.
How 'bout you go talk to her?
I don't think Cindy Brady's
coming over to the dark side tonight.
I'm gonna go take a hot lap.
Thanks for the help, Shakes.
Well, your turn.
- No. No.
- Your turn.
Okay, fine. Okay.
But remember, this is
not about sexy parties or--
Whatever, just go talk to her.
I'm gonna get
a front-row seat. Okay?
I'm Steven, by the way.
- I'm Brooke.
- Great.
You look really professional up there.
By which I mean you're, like, hot.
Like, really hot.
Another napkin.
Where's the bartender?
- I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Yeah, you actually--
- No, not at all. Hi.
- Hi.
Tommy.
- Yeah, This is BI--
- I'm Brooke.
- Blake?
- Brooke.
- Brooke.
- Brooke.
- Tommy. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
So, how do you two
know each other?
- Oh, we--
- work.
You write children's books too?
Yeah. He does instructional guides
for swing sets.
- well--
- Dude, that's my--
Obviously, I'm not gonna
have sex with this girl tonight,
so why don't you give it a shot?
I am so sorry about that.
What an asshole.
- Yeah, I--
- what, you guys work on wall Street?
Yeah, we do,
but not all of us are like--
You know what?
Let's start over.
I am Tommy.
And I owe you a drink.
I'm Brooke.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Personally, I think there's
nothing wrong with bulimia at all.
If anything, it shows your willingness
to reevaluate your decisions
and be proactive about making changes.
You don't sound black at all.
Are you from Europe?
Here goes Jonathan,
Iooking to break some records.
- Yeah!
- Here we go!
That's gotta hurt.
It doesn't look innocent,
It looks like heroin addict.
Hey, give me.
Here.
What if he really is sorry?
Everyone is sorry once they're caught.
It doesn't mean anything.
It's true.
Rich said he would leave his wife
after I found out he was married.
All's fair in love and war.
Are you retarded?
That's just a bullshit excuse
people use to screw whoever they want.
They need Guantanamo Bay
for relationships.
I'd waterboard the fuck
out of my ex in Love Gitmo.
Good for you.
This is for work.
Hey, you know what?
Tommy just hired a new guy on his desk.
Really? ls he cute?
He didn't say,
Which actually probably means he's cute.
I'll find a way to bring him around.
Put this on.
Do I really have to
go out with you guys?
Yes.
Whose bachelorette party
Is this, anyway?
Look, I just felt that if we had met
under different circumstances,
just a few weeks ago,
that this could have been something,
Like, really amazing.
- I mean--
- I know.
It's crazy, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Can you get my bag?
Thank you.
I love you guys.
I love you.
Thank you.
That could have been
Bad News Bears.
Here's where things started
to get complicated.
Brooke lost her purse
that night at the bar.
Her phone, her keys, everything.
She asked if she could crash on my couch
and call a locksmith in the morning.
I know I really could have
just put my foot down,
but I didn't.
I'm gonna get going.
Okay.
Thanks.
No sweat.
I've always believed that trust
Is the single most important thing
In a relationship.
But given that nothing happened,
I decided not to tell Beth.
Hey, hotshot.
Cash, good to see you.
Hello, Beth.
My, you're more lovely than I remember.
Oh, aren't you a sweet talker.
Look at that.
That necklace is gorgeous.
- Look at that thing.
- lt was a gift, actually.
- was it? You picked that out?
- Yes, I did.
- I'm shocked.
- Just a little something.
Oh, you haven't met Beth yet,
have you?
Not officially.
I'm surprised at your taste.
- She's really nice.
- Yeah.
I'm sure.
Okay, who takes the same
bus to work every day?
No, what are you talking about, man?
Stephen's wife is beautiful.
All I'm saying is he passed up
of man-Whoring.
He could have put up
Wilt Chamberlain numbers
and then retired.
Yeah, he looks miserable.
Anyone need a drink?
- So, you came here with Tommy?
- Yeah.
So, how long have you guys been dating?
It's been three months now.
That long?
Oh, I didn't realize that.
Time flies.
Diet Coke, please.
Oh, will you excuse me for a second?
Sure.
Thank you.
Hitting the hard stuff, huh?
Yeah. Saving the table dancing
for the holiday party.
You must be Daniel.
It's so funny.
I'm Beth, Tommy's girlfriend.
Yeah, I figured.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
You too.
- Again.
- Again.
You look different.
So, how did you
and Tommy meet again?
I was out one night with my friend Jordan,
and he was obviously on a date.
- That's trouble.
- Yeah.
Well, he left, but he came
back in the restaurant
and told me that he wanted
to be talking to me.
And ever since then--
Tommy, he's a great guy.
Yeah, he's great.
Tommy says you're a big reader.
What's your favorite book?
Well, have you ever read
Pride and Prejudice?
- Really?
- See, you're laughing.
No. It's just why do guys
always pick that book?
I mean, is it in a manual somewhere
on how to speak to women or--
No. I like it because
It shows how wrong
first impressions can be.
You know?
And also, the main character,
Elizabeth Bennett--
Sounds stupid, but she's,
Like, my ideal woman.
Have you ever read Lolita?
''Lolita, my sin, my soul,
standing four feet ten in one sock.''
Hey, you should come to my book club
on Tuesday night.
I think it would be really great
to have a guy for this one.
What about Tommy?
Oh, Tommy would never come.
Plus, there's kind of a no-boyfriend rule.
Yeah.
Sounds like fun.
I'm gonna have to
politely decline, though.
Oh, come on.
Just you and five cute girls
and a lot of wine.
- Tommy.
- Hey.
See you saved me
the trouble of introductions.
Yeah, good timing.
You have to convince Daniel
to come to my book club.
- Book club.
- Yeah.
That sounds like a great idea.
Really? why?
First of all, you would be talking
to actual women,
even if it is about books.
Well, come on. I'm sure
he does just fine with the ladies.
- Don't you?
- Not really, no.
And secondly, it would give
me endless opportunities to fuck with you.
That's why I don't think
It's a really good idea.
Good morning, soldier.
Morning.
What are you reading?
Oh, just a book.
What book?
- It's nothing.
- what book?
What is the t--
Pride and Prejudice.
Put that away. Jesus.
What are you,
carpooling with Oprah?
Met a woman--
She reminds me
of the character in the book.
You're doing really lovely
With those language tapes, Jan.
So when you say cute,
do you mean, like,
Iittle kid with gum in his hair cute
- or Brad Pitt cute?
- Somewhere in-between.
See, I don't want this turning into some
Lame episode of The Bachelor.
Hey, I thought women were supposed
to love men in uniform.
Yeah, government salaries
and post-traumatic stress
really do it to me nasty.
And we've met Tommy's work friends.
No, but he's nothing like those guys.
If anything, he's too old-fashioned.
What, he still prefers vaginal sex?
Ooh, old school, yeah.
You said you invited him later.
I did.
Oh, I need my--
- Okay, come on, girl.
- Just think about this as a tryout.
You guys are pathetic.
- You look cute. You're adorable.
- Thank you.
Hello.
It's Daniel.
He's polite and early.
- Yeah, he's gay.
- He's not gay.
- He was in the military.
- Gay.
Yeah, don't ask, don't tell.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Come on in.
I got you this.
- Oh, thank you.
- It's wine.
Yeah. So, you have
to meet everybody.
Daniel, this is Lisa,
Jordan, Susan, and Jill.
Hi, everyone.
Hi.
Sorry I'm so early.
No, no.
We were just having some girl talk.
- Just sat down.
- well, I can just come back
- if you guys are--
- No, please.
- Sit.
- Yeah, come on.
And apparently, they've
never seen a man before.
Ever.
I know it's a classic,
but I can't get past
this old, Euro-trash pervert
screwing a 12-year-old
from New Hampshire.
- It's disgusting.
- And the way he bribes her for sex
With candy
and pocket change?
Daniel, you've been awfully quiet.
Have we scared you out of talking?
Well, I can't disagree
With what's been said so far.
Obviously, yeah,
the guy is really troubled.
- And he's--
- Pervert. Pedophile.
Let him finish.
Yes. But I believe that
he was hopelessly in love.
You know, doesn't make it okay,
but he's not just a pervert.
- Yeah. He's a murderer too.
- Okay, all right.
Years later, he kills the man
that stole his Lolita.
But he loved her more than anything.
Even his own life.
I think that's what love is.
Anything else is just...
a distraction.
Should we choose another book?
- For next time?
- Yeah.
Will you be able to join us next time?
Uh, okay,
but I kind of got the feeling
tonight was sort of a tryout.
Oh, no.
- No.
- No.
- You passed.
- Yeah, sure.
You guys can be like
the sisters I never wanted.
- Thanks. Lovely.
- Nice.
All right. well then, is everybody okay
With The Good Soldier?
No. I don't really want
to read a war novel.
Oh, no, but it's
a love story, isn't it?
Well, here.
''This heartbreaking novel
of infidelity and betrayal
''tells the story of an ex-soldier
''and seemingly perfect gentleman.
'''He was just the sort of man
you could trust your wife with,'
says the tragic narrator of the story.''
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Actually--
You're a total neat freak, aren't you?
Actually, my apartment's a mess.
Therapy for all those years of me
spit-shining my shoes.
I cannot picture you in the military.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
You just don't seem very aggressive.
Are you kidding me?
I was an avionics engineer.
- were you?
- Yeah.
Super-aggressive.
No. My dad, he was in the Air Force,
and the only way I could
afford Princeton was ROTC.
Get up every morning at 6 A. M.,
do some push ups,
they pay for school.
But you didn't finish your service, right?
Tommy said you dropped out.
I didn't mean it like that.
No, it's okay. I--
You have to serve
four years after college
In order to get your loans paid off,
and my commanding officer
served with my dad,
and after three years,
I had some--
I just had some stuff that happened.
And he agreed to get me discharged a year
early.
That's good.
- I think.
- No.
No, it was at the time.
But now I've got a hundred grand
In student loans to pay off.
- God.
- Lot of push ups for nothing.
Well, I wouldn't say nothing.
That would be Tommy.
Hey, come on up.
Guess I should get going, huh?
Okay. well, I'm so glad
you could make it.
And thank you
for offering to clean up.
- It was nice.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys.
How was book club?
It was good.
Are you ever actually
gonna want to leave this city?
Someday, yeah.
Come on, babe, it's late.
My aunt and uncle used to be
these big-shot lawyers.
Working hundred-hour weeks
and never getting to see each other.
One day, they just moved to Colorado
to run this hot air balloon company.
That's great.
Good for them.
It is.
They take people up to watch the sunset
over the Rockies every night.
They get by okay,
and they get to see
each other every day.
And he hasn't thrown her
out of the basket yet?
Come on, babe.
Let's go to sleep.
I was offered a promotion
In San Francisco.
And can you make sure
they arrive this afternoon?
They need to be there
When he gets home.
As long as there's a doorman, sure.
Did you want to fill out a card?
Yes.
You like flowers.
Why don't you just keep them?
This isn't funny.
''Happy Anniversary''?
This has to stop.
I guess I did meet her
about this time last year.
Beth, Beth,
you're mad at me,
and that's exactly what Christie wants.
This has nothing to do with us.
Of course it does.
''We all have a past.''
Remember?
I dealt with mine.
You are not dealing with yours.
What else do you want me to do?
I can get a restraining order.
How does one actually do that?
I'm tired of this.
Honestly.
Hello.
Hi.
What's for dinner?
Just peanut butter...
sandwiches.
All right.
Hey, Tommy and Lisa and l
are going for dinner next week
and we wanted to invite you along.
I can't.
I didn't even say which night yet.
Uh, no. I just, um--
I don't like to be set up.
Oh. well, it's not a setup.
How's Monday night?
We're going for sushi.
It's better than peanut butter.
Yeah, uh--
I think I could do Monday.
- Okay.
- Sure.
- Good.
- Huh.
What are you doing home
on a Friday night anyway?
Oh, it's just been
kind of a long week.
What's your excuse?
I'm meeting Tommy later.
So, what's your story?
Why don't you have a girlfriend?
Well, my ex-girlfriend,
uh, fiance, she got pregnant
While I was serving overseas.
She visited you over there?
No.
No, that was kind of the problem.
Oh. Sorry.
Well, it's not really the homecoming
I'd been looking forward to
for three years, you know?
Right.
So, are you interested
In anyone these days?
Interested like, um--
No, no, not--
That's a yes.
Who is she?
Do I know her?
I don't think you do, Beth.
All right, say when.
It's a school night.
You know?
It's okay, I don't have to be
at work until late tomorrow.
So, what was your favorite
country that you visited?
Oh, I don't know.
Botswana, maybe.
No, Vietnam.
People there are so nice.
Beaches are just amazing,
and it's like a million
dong to the dollar,
so it's really cheap.
A million dongs to a dollar, huh?
Sounds like a good time.
So, what was Botswana like?
Okay.
Picture herds of zebra and elephant,
Literally just stopping traffic on highways.
And the currency there
actually, it's called the pula,
Which is the same word as rain.
Oh, 'cause of the droughts.
Yeah, exactly.
And the pennies,
they're called raindrops.
So poetic.
It is.
Aren't you drinking?
- Oh, yeah.
- Never pour your own sake.
Seven years bad sex.
That's a fact.
Seven more years, huh?
School night.
Oops.
Let's have a toast.
To Daniel's success in his new job.
And to Lisa's promotion.
And to Beth, for organizing tonight.
Yes, here's to everyone.
Except me.
Beth, what are you going to do
about that job offer in California?
Well, it's such a great opportunity,
but part of me feels
Like I shouldn't go.
When would you be moving?
Probably in about a month.
Yeah. I'd miss her like crazy,
but it's only a plane ride, right?
Yeah. I mean, it's not that far.
I just can't make up my mind.
I know how you can figure it out.
This...
can show you exactly
What you want, deep down.
Yeah, let's leave all of life's
major decisions to a coin toss.
That's brilliant, Daniel.
I don't really believe in luck.
No, it's not about luck.
Okay?
Heads you stay, tails you go.
You gotta trust me, though, okay?
- This is ridiculous.
- Heads you stay, tails you go.
What do you want it to be?
Stay.
Then that's your answer.
What was it really?
What was it?
Doesn't matter.
Dude, you looked at it.
Come on.
That's not the point.
She knows what she wants now.
Yeah, I guess I do.
Thanks for dinner, Tommy.
- Yes.
- Yes, very generous, as always.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Shit. I left my credit card inside.
Be right back.
- I think I'm gonna call it a night.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
Do you want to share a cab?
No.
I'm headed downtown,
you're headed Upper west, right?
Yeah.
Wouldn't make sense, you know?
Logistically.
Got it. what's the plan?
I'm just gonna call it a night.
- Thanks for everything, man.
- Really?
Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
You guys have a good night, all right?
- You too.
- Yeah, right. Good night.
Take care.
What's the 10-spot, 45?
I'm not trying to bend you over, okay?
Just grow a pair of nuts and lift me.
I still need a better bid from Northrup.
Daniel, you're up on Cyberon.
All right, take a report.
Hundred thou?
A nickel better than your order.
Yeah. Okay, thanks.
Jack, stick with me on this one.
- Did you hear me?
- Get him to fucking hit me.
All right, Jack,
We just got another seller.
It's fill or kill.
What do you want to do?
Great. I'll have Jen
call you with the report.
Have fun in the Hamptons.
Yep.
Done your way, Shakespeare.
Thank you, Danimal.
Jen.
I'm all over it, Danimal.
You know, it's kind of sad
If you think about it.
Those guys spend all their time
Looking for something
they're never gonna find.
What? The perfect woman?
Yeah, there's no such thing.
So you've never been tempted, huh?
Well, I mean, of course
I've been tempted.
Why? Does that surprise you?
I can go home at night,
I can look at my wife
and my kids in the eye,
not feel like a total fraud.
I mean, to me,
that's a good trade.
Daniel. How's it going?
Good to see you, man.
Hi, Daniel.
I'm Christie.
I've heard a lot about you.
Yeah, you too.
Yeah. So, Daniel and I have a meeting
We gotta get up to.
So I'll see you later.
Okay. Bye.
Sorry about that.
She's a little nuts
and I had to stop her
from coming upstairs.
- It's okay. It's fine.
- But you show up in the nick of time.
It's good.
This is good.
And I know you and Beth
are becoming real good friends.
I think that's cool and everything.
This is probably something
she doesn't need to hear about,
unless you're trying to split us up
for some reason.
Fucking with you.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Hi, it's Tommy.
Leave a message.
Hey, Beth.
Hey. where are you?
I'm at home.
Tommy said you guys had
an important dinner tonight.
Well, I guess
I'm not that important.
- Did you finish the book yet?
- Yeah.
I just did.
I'm not sure how
I feel about it, though.
What do you mean?
Well, you kind of
just trust the narrator
out of habit, you know?
But just as you're getting into it,
he just turns out to be full of shit.
Yeah, so?
What's the point of that?
Maybe it's just like real life.
Sometimes, people just aren't
Who you thought they were.
You'd tell me if--
If something were going on
With Tommy, right?
Yeah, if I knew anything.
I mean, there's no stupid guy code
or anything, is there?
Don't say anything
to Tommy, okay?
No, of course not.
Thanks.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Do you want to come get a drink
With me and my friends?
I can't, Beth.
I'm kind of expecting someone.
Oh. Okay.
Well, have fun tonight.
Whatever you're doing. And--
Well, you know, not too much fun.
Ha-ha.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay. Bye.
Hello.
Delivery for Mr. Daniel.
Yep, come on up.
Doesn't this place have any boys?
You should call Daniel.
What's up with Daniel tonight?
I don't know. It's--
It sounded like he had
some hot date coming over.
Yeah. Somehow I doubt that.
Why? what does that mean?
The guy is totally in love with you.
Why didn't he come tonight, then?
You're his boss's girlfriend.
- I'm sure it kills him to be around you.
- Shut up.
- Oh, my God.
- what? It's not that surprising.
No. It's-- Over there.
It's Crazy Christie.
- Tommy's ex?
- Yeah.
Which one is she?
She's the little Audrey Hepburn
In the red dress.
- That's her, isn't it?
- Yeah.
She's not that pretty.
You need to talk to her.
I don't want to make a scene.
Make a huge fucking scene.
This has gone on long enough.
You're right.
This has gone on long enough.
Can I help you?
We've never met before, but l...
You used to date Tom Fielding, right?
Are you one of Tommy's ex-girlfriends?
Ex-girlfriends? No.
Tommy and I have been together
for three months now.
Nice necklace.
Sorry.
I ran into an old friend
on line for the bathroom.
It's okay.
Should we get the check?
Actually, I think I want to stay out tonight.
I mean, we spent the whole day inside.
Yeah, but wasn't it great?
Well, all we ever do
Is stay in and have sex...
since the first night we met.
I want to go out tonight.
But we are out.
Ciao, carissima.
Ciao, Paolo.
Tommy--
Paolo, this is Tommy.
- Ah, Tommy.
- Paolo.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
Oh, Paolo, Tommy
speaks ltalian too.
Yeah, it's a little loud in here
and I'm a little rusty, probably, so--
We speak English then, hmm?
Yeah. It's probably better for everyone.
Sure.
So, how do you guys
know each other?
Oh, I-- Okay.
So, one day, Brooke came into my studio
to make some photos.
Very nice photos, eh?
- Paolo is a genius.
- Oh, no.
- Yes.
- So,
Tommy, what is it you do?
I work at a bank--
Morgan Brothers.
- Sales trading.
- I understand. wall Street.
I get it. Money, huh? Money?
Paolo, when did you get to New York,
and why didn't you call me?
I'm only here one week.
I mean, tomorrow I have show opening,
tonight we're out to celebrate, I did--
You must join us.
To celebrate. Tonight.
Oh, come on. Huh?
Well, you wouldn't mind
If I went with them, would you?
I mean, you wanted to
go home anyway, right?
Euro-trash piece of fucking shit.
If that's what you want to go home with.
I mean, fuck!
Sorry about that.
Have a good evening.
Hey, Samantha, it's Thomas.
It's about 11:00 Saturday night.
I would love to see you,
so give me a call back.
All right.
Amy. Tom.
Hey. Saturday night, about 10.
I'd love to see you.
Jen.
It's your favorite co-Worker, Tommy.
I'd love to see you,
even if it's late.
So call me back.
Fuck.
You should hear some of the things
he says about you.
I think I have an idea.
I spent so much time hating you.
I don't know what to believe.
Hey, Beth.
How's girls' night out going?
Tommy, I don't want to see you again.
Ever.
Whoa-- wait, Beth.
What are you talking about?
That's-- where are you?
I know about Christie, Tommy.
- Everything.
- No, what are you--
Beth, this is crazy.
No, it's not, actually.
Well, not anymore.
Who have you been talking to?
Beth. Beth!
Fuck.
Hey, you know what, buddy?
Change of plans.
We're gonna be staying downtown.
Coming.
Hey.
- Hey.
- what's up?
What's going on, man?
You, uh--
You haven't spoken to Beth tonight
by any chance, have you?
Well, yeah, but I didn't
think it was a big deal.
Well, it is a big deal, Daniel.
It's a big fucking deal.
- why?
- 'Cause you told her I was fucking Christie.
I don't even know what--
You want to fuck my girl,
don't you, you little fucking cunt?
I didn't say anything.
You didn't say anything?
Why would you call her, huh?
- Huh?
- She called me.
We talked for two minutes
about a book we were reading.
That's it.
Book club.
Yeah.
Oh, now I understand.
You can understand
Why I misinterpreted--
Actually, I can't, Tommy.
Hurt me as much as it did you.
I'm sure we'll be laughing
about it on Monday.
Look, I'll take you out to lunch, okay?
- Yeah.
- All right, all right.
Look, you think it over,
you get that fixed up.
Monday we'll straighten
this whole thing out.
I don't think so, Tommy.
Daniel, come on, don't--
Go home, Tommy.
Just go home.
Sounds good. Okay. Okay.
$8.20, please.
I think I lost my wallet.
$8.20, sir.
I think I lost my wallet, sir.
We can go ATM.
No, my cards are in my wallet.
But, you know,
I'll tell you what.
I have money upstairs.
If you just wait here for a couple minutes,
I'll run up, I'll grab it,
I'll bring it down for you.
Get the fuck out of my taxi.
- Hey, Beth.
- Hey.
Sorry. Um, do you
still have company?
No. No, not at all.
Are you okay?
Can I ask a favor?
You can say no, but, um...
Please don't say no, okay?
Beth, Beth, I'll be right there.
It's been a while, Tommy.
Evening, Miss Perkins.
Your place looks nice.
Did you miss me?
What did you do now?
Hi, Christie, it's Mom.
Call me when you get a chance.
Hey, it's Tommy.
I'm just gonna crash
at my place tonight, okay?
- You fucking asshole.
- Love you.
Fuck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- what?
- Yeah.
What happened?
I guess Tommy's
having a rough night.
Tommy did that?
Why would he--
I guess he thought that I--
- That I told you about Christie.
- How would you even--
- wow. ls everybody fucking left-handed?
- You knew?
- The whole time?
- No. Not the whole time.
Why didn't you tell me?
- I should have.
- No.
You have your job to think about,
and your friends.
Beth, I quit my job.
Those aren't my friends.
It's just you.
Baby, you're a little light here.
I know. I'll make it up to you.
I'm sorry, baby, but you know
It doesn't work that way.
Look, I lost my wallet tonight.
And I will make it up to you.
- I promise.
- Listen, motherfucker.
You will get me
my motherfucking money
or I'm gonna fucking scream
until the fucking cops come.
And that would fuck you a lot more
than it would fuck me.
Okay, how about we just calm down.
And I'll find a way to get
your money for you, okay?
Just give me a minute
to think about it.
Okay, baby.
Whenever you're ready.
- Irv, how's it going?
- You can't go up there, son.
I just need to talk
to Christie for a second.
You're no longer on the guest list.
Irv, look, my man,
I'm up there all the time.
Donny, show this man to the door.
I feel sorry for you, Tommy.
I do.
Thanks, baby.
Two stops, please.
So, that's how we got here.
It's not pretty.
I know.
I really don't have anything left
to say for myself.
Maybe that's a start.
So, what are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
Chris Baker,
he keeps asking me to join
him at his new place,
but I'm just not sure that's
What I want to do right now.
Have you ever been up
In a hot air balloon?
What?
Never mind.
Tommy.
Buon giorno, carissima.
Why did you come back
In that restaurant for my number?
I just couldn't be with that other girl
When all I wanted was to talk to you.
Whatever happened to her, anyway?
Just wasn't right.
When you flipped that coin,
and I said I wanted to stay,
I don't think I realized it then,
but I was thinking
about you when I said it.
I know.
So, what was it?
What was what?
Heads or tails?
Stay or leave?
That's what I thought.
Subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
Beth, hey.
Can you let me up?
I, uh--
I'm locked out of my apartment
and I lost my wallet and my keys.
No. You can't come up right now.
Is someone up there with you?
No.
Is it him?
Look, Beth, I--
I'm locked out.
And I have had the worst night
of my life and I--
Look, if you help me,
I'll leave you alone.
Okay? Both of you.
I feel sorry for you, Tommy.
I do.
Have you ever been lied to
by someone you trusted completely?
Just had your little heart torn out
and shoved down your throat?
Trust me, it's not nearly
as fun as it sounds.
I hate to admit it,
but I was totally blindsided
by the whole thing.
And I deal with the best liars
In the world every day.
I'm shorted another hundred thousand.
That's right, every sale's a good one.
Take that spin off the fucking tape
or I'm gonna come through this phone
and bite your fucking eyes out.
Okay, talk to you later.
...is up 30 percent,
top line is flat.
It's not my fault you own this dodgy stock.
Don't worry, don't worry,
you're in good hands.
Half a million Johnny-John
to travel, who's in?
This girl is a-fucking-mazing.
Is anybody gonna get me fucking done
on the Cisco, please?
Make some calls, people, please.
Yeah, just hold for me.
How, you're done at 50 thou on the figure,
Jen'll call you with the report.
- All right? Did you get that 50,000?
- Calling him now.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
My whole system just crashed again.
Where is Iceman?
You sent him out for coffee.
Hey, Shakes,
am I filling that Microsoft yet, or--
I'm working it, man.
- where the fuck is my latte?
- Probably still with Iceman.
Shakespeare, it's fucking Microsoft.
Just put it up.
- Okay.
- Bobby, stay with me, all right?
- He's working it. I'll have it done soon.
- what is the point
of having an Army geek computer nerd
If he is never fucking here?
A Princeton diploma and three years
In the Air Force put to good use.
Thank you, Daniel.
And 63 cents change.
Listen, Daniel, my computer
has crashed again.
Would you mind taking a look
When you get the chance?
Well, did you check and see if you just
kicked out the plug again?
It was kind of acting up
before that, though.
Thanks, soldier.
You know, when I first started,
he used to send me
to McDonald's every day.
Double quarter pounder with cheese,
hold the pickles.
Doesn't really bother me that much.
You won't be here in a year
If you keep on serving coffee to that prick.
Well, I like working with computers,
but to be honest,
the stuff that I'm doing here--
I'd rather do what you do at some point.
''This is the saddest
story I have ever heard.''
Thus begins the classic novel
The Good Soldier,
In one of the most memorable
first lines in modern fiction.
Well, that sounds
about as fun as date rape.
No kidding, I vote for Lolita.
Then it's sex with minors by a landslide.
Can we read
The Good Soldier next, though?
Can't we ever read something
With a happy ending?
This is New York City.
The only happy endings are in Chinatown.
- No offense.
- None taken. I'm Korean.
Are you really?
No. what's wrong with you people?
Have a good night, Tommy.
You too, Irv.
- Taxi?
- Donny. Yes, please.
For all the excitement and glamour,
Life in the big city
does have its downside.
I mean, if you thought
Wall Street was full of bullshitters,
you should try having
a relationship here.
And maybe it's like this
everywhere nowadays,
but it just feels like
a war zone here sometimes.
I know everyone has
some kind of a history.
It's not like I've always been a saint.
You know, I guess I just hoped things
Would be different with Beth.
You've been dating for two months
and you still haven't had sex?
You made Rich wait about two hours.
Maybe your first time
With him could be in Italy.
- You never know.
- Aw.
- That would be lovely.
- Cheesy.
What would you do if Rich left his wife?
Where did that come from?
Hi. I hope I'm not interrupting.
Oh, hey.
No, we were just
talking about shopping.
- Oh, I'm sure you were.
- Yeah.
You know Jordan.
This is Lisa, Susan, and Jill.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Would you guys like
to go grab a drink with us?
- My treat?
- Oh, thanks, but we're
meeting my boyfriend Bill
and some of his friends.
From Facebook.
- Bye.
- He's adorable.
- Oh.
- He's hot. If you don't do him, I will.
- Okay.
- Bye, Tommy. Nice to meet you.
- Have fun.
- what was she whispering to you?
Maybe I'll tell you in Italy.
Do you think it means something
that we're both left-handed?
We'd only need one pair of scissors
If we moved in together.
Isn't it a little early to be talking
about sharing scissors?
Does it bother you that
I'm not doing anything...
amazing with my life?
There's plenty of time for that.
Yeah. I don't want to end up
Like my boss Cash, you know?
Like, almost 50,
nothing to show for it but a bad marriage
and an awesome set of golf clubs.
Yeah. My boss is 42 and she's never
been married or anything.
I don't think she's ever even been in love.
Have you?
I thought so.
But I think that when somebody turns out
to be completely different
than what you thought,
It doesn't really count.
What happened with
your last girlfriend?
Christie.
It just wasn't right.
You want to get that?
Yeah, no.
Thought he stopped calling.
He did. He started again.
We all have a past, Beth.
It's-- It's how you deal with it.
I just got off the phone with the people
on the Battery Park dig.
They uncovered an old wall
that I think could be from
the original Dutch settlement here.
Oh, my God.
- That's amazing.
- well, they're not gonna see it that way
once they realize it's gonna set
their construction back a few months
While we excavate.
Oh, and Beth?
This could be something
Worth presenting in Florence.
What the fuck
do you want me to do, Robert?
- I am here--
- I gotta hop, this guy's killing me.
God, I love the mute button.
There are five other calls
I can make here, Tommy.
You gotta release me.
I understand that, Bobby.
Just give me one second, okay?
Hey, Shakes, this guy's
a really good client.
You can't just put this up for me?
I don't care if he's the fucking Pope.
How do I know he's
not gonna fuck me over?
I'm hanging up, Tommy.
Okay, one call.
Then you can go and let
every other loser on wall Street
fuck this up for you, okay?
Fine. But keep me on the wire
and don't fucking mute me.
Okay. Baker, didn't you say you had
a big seller the other day?
Yeah, Pacific. we're still
In the penalty box with him.
Okay, you know what?
Give him to me.
Page five.
You know you guys
are still cut off, right?
Hey. This is actually Tom Fielding.
I run the sales desk over here.
How you doing, Tom?
John Caldwell.
I was calling to ask
a yes or no question, all right?
Fine.
Are you potentially interested
In trading Microsoft today, yes or no?
Potentially.
But not with you guys.
Bobby, this is gonna happen.
Now, just FYl,
I have a guy looking
for a pretty big chunk.
Maybe half a mil.
- Does that interest you?
- Potentially. Sure.
Unfortunately, John, I don't have
the luxury of a lot of time here.
My guy's real.
He's on the phone for one call.
And that's you. Half a mil?
On the wire, last print, in or out?
Put it up.
Great. Now, this is just me asking.
Would you be able to go larger?
Hey, half a mil,
trying to go bigger.
- Are you trying to front run me?
- No.
You just gotta trust me,
just a little bit, okay, John?
Two million.
Could go to two million here.
No, it's not Bill Gates on the line.
He's a mutual fund guy,
just like you.
Well, he's got a lot more hair
and he's a little better looking.
Fine. Make it read two.
Okay. ls two million your total picture?
Why? ls he trying to move more?
What's he saying.
Are we done here? Let's go!
Is he trying to move more?
All right, gentlemen,
I'm on the phone with both you right now.
I think this ticket reads five million
and we all walk away.
That be on a cleanup?
I knew he had more behind that.
You're a genius.
Seriously, Bobby,
Is this a cleanup for you?
No bullshit.
Five million, I go home and fuck
my Polish housekeeper twice.
It's a cleanup, John.
Okay, fine.
Put it up.
But, oh, Tom?
You'll still be in the box
for a week, though.
Cross at five million, clean.
See how far a little trust can get you?
Another record down today
on wall Street today
With all major indexes--
The Bargello and Accademia
are great, but skip the Uffizi.
What about those Botticellis?
And Michelangelo's only oil painting?
There's a reason he stopped after one.
It's just for tourists.
I am a tourist.
Hi.
Is everything okay?
Why?
What happened?
Funding constraints.
The agency cut all international travel.
So, what's the good news?
How would you like to be
head of urban conservation?
- You're quitting?
- Not here.
In San Francisco.
Hey. where were you?
I'm sorry. I just changed now
and I'm on the way.
- Are you still up?
- It's 10:00.
- what happened?
- lf I have to listen
to one more hedge fund douchebag
talk to me about private jet timeshares,
I swear to God I'm gonna
shoot myself in the face.
Yeah, well, my trip
got canceled today.
Grab your stuff
and meet me downstairs.
Huh?
- Grab your stuff.
- where are we going?
Don't worry about it.
All right. Step out.
Okay.
And one big step up.
Right there.
I'm gonna take this off you.
You gotta keep
your eyes closed, okay?
Are you sure we're still in the city?
Yeah, just-- just--
- Here.
- Here we go.
- Great.
- Eyes closed.
I'll be keeping an eye on you.
No peeking.
I'm not.
- I saw that.
- what?
You peek again,
I'm gonna take you home.
- Keep them closed.
- Okay.
Almost there.
All right, turn this way.
Now, open your eyes.
Oh, my God.
Where are we?
It's as close to Tuscany
as I could get in Manhattan.
Come on.
Come on, this way.
It gets better.
- Come on.
- This is so beautiful.
How did you find this place?
You know.
I gotta keep some surprises.
I'm sorry your trip got canceled.
Thank you.
One more surprise.
May I have this dance?
Yes.
Wait.
I think I have something.
I just didn't want to be one of those girls
Who sleeps with a lot of guys.
I don't want you to sleep
With a lot of guys.
Right.
I'll do it.
- Other way.
- Oh, sorry.
Okay.
Yeah, Frank,
you are all done for the day.
No, thank you.
That is 100,000 CRM
to williams for the day.
And Shakespeare,
have I ever told you
how handsome you are?
Somebody's in a good mood today.
- Tom.
- Yep?
Got a second?
So, what's up?
I got an offer from another firm.
About twice what I'm making here.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, I'd hate to lose you,
but if I go to Cash with this,
especially right now,
the way things are,
he might agree to a little kiss,
but a double?
No way.
I know, I figured.
All right, look.
You gotta do what's right for you.
Are you thinking about taking it?
You already did.
Well, man, what can I say?
It's been a great run.
It's gonna be tough to replace you.
I like that a lot.
Listen, I gotta go, okay?
No, you hang up first.
No, you hang up.
Twenty-one-year-old physical therapist.
Thousand bucks a month
for a studio on the Upper East Side.
- A home run.
- Sounds like it.
You gotta see her.
She's so fucking hot.
You should invite her to your place
for the mid-year dinner.
Yeah. She can sit
right next to my wife.
Can you imagine?
Who you bringing, hotshot?
That Christie girl still in the picture?
No. Beth. You met her at the golf event.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
That brunette who wouldn't fuck you.
Listen, can I just talk to you off the desk,
just for a second?
So, she did fuck you.
How long was that woman,
Like, two months or something?
Jesus, that girl was your sexual Vietnam.
Not saying a word.
And so you just let him walk out.
He's your top guy for two years.
He already took the job.
He didn't want to make a scene.
Well, there's gonna be
a big fucking scene tomorrow,
When 20 of our biggest accounts call
and no one's answering the fucking phone.
We'll hire someone else.
That will take weeks.
Why the fuck didn't you let me talk to him?
I could convince that fucking
cocksucker to stay.
They guaranteed him two million a year
for two years,
- plus upside.
- How much are we paying him?
Seven fifty this year--
a buck, tops.
Yeah, okay, we were too low.
All right, mister head of sales,
What's your contingency plan?
I'm sure you have one.
I think Daniel can step up.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
That guy couldn't sell vagina
on a pirate ship.
- He's smart, he's honest.
- He's too fucking honest.
He's a fucking retarded Boy Scout.
That is exactly what
you said about Shakespeare.
- Tommy.
- It's exactly what you said about Chris Baker.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Why are guys like us good at our job?
Because people like us.
We take them out, they have a good time.
They might even meet a real, live girl.
Daniel is a lovely fellow.
He's as much fun as chlamydia.
I'm telling you this will work.
Let me remind you the value we place
on human capital here at Morgan Brothers.
- Your future--
- I understand.
Your future depends
on the depth and the quality
of the team that you build.
Now, in light of that,
I'll ask you once.
Is Daniel your guy?
Yes.
Great.
I'm telling you, this chick I'm banging in HR
said that he was discharged
early from the Air Force.
- And they sealed his file. Yes.
- Hey, hey.
- Ha-ha!
- Look, all I'm saying is
We need someone to fill
Baker's spot immediately.
And if we let Cash pick one of his guys,
We're all gonna be watching our asses.
I'm just not buying
this nice guy act, all right?
Nobody joins the military,
much less wall Street,
Without having, you know,
some kind of a dark side.
You're right, wall Street is no place
for an ambitious white male.
Of questionable integrity.
Well, I think it's gonna be great.
Yeah, of course you do, Stephens.
Finally, someone on the desk
that gets less ass than you.
All right, that settles it.
I'm leaving my wife of ten years
and I'm moving in on Steve-O's couch.
- who said you could have my couch?
- Did you say ten years?
You get married when you were, like, 24?
Yeah, I met here when I was 22.
I got married at 24.
- Christ on a bun.
- You know, it's just different.
- I'm sure I'll be there soon enough.
- Yeah.
Sorry I'm late.
- Hey.
- we're doing this whole system upgrade.
And we can only reset the servers
after you guys leave.
Plus the new software rollout
Is taking forever.
Right. Daniel, you know Chris Baker's
no longer with the firm, right?
Yeah, I heard.
- That sucks.
- Yeah, it does.
We've been talking.
And we thought that...
you'd be the right guy
to step into his spot.
Starting immediately.
- wow.
- Yeah, wow.
- He's got a lot of big accounts, though.
- Don't worry.
We'll split them up.
This is a bit of a
sink-or-swim business, mate.
Opportunities like this,
they don't come knocking often.
Yeah.
Look, I mean, we'll all
be there to help you out
till you get your legs under you.
You're gonna be
an old pro in no time.
- All right.
- we got you.
Thanks, Tommy.
I'm not gonna let you guys down.
Good. Sorry, guys, couldn't resist.
Here. Don't worry about it, drink it.
No, no, I fucking hate tequila, Tommy.
- This is the good stuff.
- Hey, do you have any lime?
Doesn't even taste like tequila.
Jeez. Here's to Daniel.
- All right.
- welcome on board.
That fucking tastes like tequila.
Tastes like honey.
I'm just saying that if I were black,
I'd just want to be called black.
You know?
It just sounds so cool.
Why would you say that?
African-American just sounds
awkward and lame.
- why would you say that?
- It's okay.
I'm allowed to speculate
about how I might feel.
I'm also ethnic.
I mean, do you really prefer
to be called African-American?
You mean despite the fact
that I'm neither of those?
- Right.
- Okay.
Okay, so in England,
What do they call a black--
Englishman.
Who are you bringing
to Cash's mid-year dinner?
- who am I bringing?
- Yeah.
I didn't know
I was supposed to bring a date.
I didn't even know
I was supposed to go.
Okay. Saturday. Homework.
Tomorrow. You guys with me.
I gotta go.
Hey. Dust someone off.
It doesn't have to be anything special.
- Ladies. Any chance, ladies?
- So, where are we gonna go now?
Any, any chance whatsoever?
I don't know, okay?
But it's Tuesday.
- I can't stay out past 3.
- we have got to go.
Hey. How's it going with the new guy?
He's fine.
Just he's one of those lost souls
that kind of dropped
off the grid for a little bit
to find himself.
I'm not so sure it worked.
Why do you want to hire him, then?
No, I mean, he's smart.
And he's a fucking computer genius.
I mean, maybe all those stupid
Army training commercials were true.
Hey, so, you coming over?
I wish I could. I just--
I gotta get up early tomorrow
to cover for Chris Baker.
I'll call you tomorrow,
though, I promise. Okay?
- Okay.
- Good night.
Would you please
stop checking on me?
Have you even talked
to anybody yet?
I feel like a total perv.
The last girl I talked to was
In the prenatal care section.
Hey. Bookstore was your idea.
I know. It's just...
not everyone is good at this stuff.
All right, Daniel.
You are a great guy.
Okay?
Any woman in this city
Would be lucky to talk to a guy like you.
Oh, my God.
You should see this girl
Who just got in the line.
There you go.
- Now go talk to her.
- I can't.
- what do I say? I don't know.
- lt'll come to you.
Just move before someone else
gets in line in front of you.
Sorry.
Where in Italy are you going?
Oh. I'm not.
I'm just returning this.
That's too bad.
It's amazing there.
Yeah. My trip there just got canceled,
so that's not really what
I need to hear, but yeah.
Did I say amazing?
I meant awful.
Full of ltalians.
Does that help at all?
Not really.
Well, you know what,
you should keep it
and put it in a place
Where you'll see it all the time,
and that way you'll always be reminded
about how much you want to go.
That might be the worst idea
I've ever heard.
Yeah, but you know
you'd end up going.
I mean, you know
What they say.
If you forget your dreams,
It's like they never existed.
Who says that?
Nobody. I just made that up.
But it's true.
Next.
Oh.
You go ahead. I think
I might keep it, actually.
Thanks.
Next in line, please.
Sir, can I help you?
Oh, I need a book.
So, question is
Which one of the three women
did he hire?
The one who redecorated the office.
- wrong.
- The one who doubled their sales.
Nope. Daniel?
Then the one who loves children.
No.
The one with the biggest tits.
That must be how Larry got the job.
One look at these man-boobs
and I was in, huh?
Hey, Daniel, you got any jokes?
Yeah, let's hear from the new guy.
Oh, I can never remember any jokes.
Oh, come on.
You gotta know at least one.
Yeah, come on, Daniel.
Well, I guess I can think of one.
But it's so stupid.
Come on, go ahead, tell it.
Okay.
What do you call
a fish with two knees?
I don't know. what?
A two-knee fish.
Like tuna, but--
You have to think about it.
That's a-- That's a classic.
- That's actually pretty good.
- That one, yeah.
- where are we going tonight?
- Should we just hit the usual petting zoo?
No. No strip clubs tonight.
Let's meet some civilians.
Yeah. Hey, hey, Daniel?
You know any girls
Who'll meet us out?
Yeah, who you got on speed dial?
I don't know a lot of women
I can just call up like that.
Well, okay.
Where's the hot spot?
You know, wednesday nights.
Wednesday?
I don't really go out much on wednesdays.
Anymore.
Anymore. This guy-- Animal.
- Nut?
- I'm okay.
Thank you.
Pick up the phone, say hello.
Go ahead, pick it up.
There's no one there.
Humor me.
- Hello?
- Good.
Hang it up and do it again.
- Hello.
- Very nice.
Pretty easy, huh?
Really fucking easy.
But I don't pay my salesmen
millions of dollars
to answer the phone.
I pay them to make it ring.
Billy Simmons called today.
He doesn't want Daniel to cover them.
Any idea why?
They're very different people.
You are on--
Sit the fuck down.
You are only going
to bat for that guy
because you know
that you will own him.
You can fool everybody else, Tom,
but you can't fool me.
He's the type of guy
I want on my team.
- He's honest, loyaI--
- Like Chris Baker?
Make no mistake,
Daniel will throw you under a fucking bus
the first day he gets a chance.
This is not sleepaway camp, Tommy.
Your job is to make me rich. Period.
Now, however you're gonna get
that guy a fucking personality,
you better do it fast,
or I'm gonna fire his Rainman ass
and get somebody in there
Who does want to take your job.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I just-- I crashed last night.
Cash is killing me about Daniel.
Really? what's wrong with him?
He's like Forrest fucking Gump.
Without the people skills.
I'm heading to SoHo
right now to work on him.
I thought we were gonna
spend the day in the park.
Beth, please. I'm being pulled
In a ton of different directions right now.
Fine. But I need to be
a priority too sometimes.
I'll call you later, I promise.
Doesn't matter what
you talk about at first,
just show the woman
that you are passionate about something.
Like what?
It's your life.
You tell me.
I don't know.
Okay. You like to read, right?
- Yeah.
- what do you love to read?
Dickens, Tolstoy.
- I like Austen, Jane Austen.
- Okay, classics.
Might be a little brainy
to start out with.
So let's see, what else?
I can give you the flight specs
for every domestic aircraft since 1950.
Classics.
Let's talk more about those.
Talk about books she might like.
But be careful, 'cause you can't act,
Iook, and talk all like the same guy.
You gotta mix it up.
What does that mean?
Just if you were a surfer,
be a surfer who likes to read.
If you're a dork, be a dork
Who likes to salsa dance.
You know? Just--
If you act boring
and you look boring,
guess what?
You're boring.
What are you doing?
Tommy, this sounds ridiculous.
It's totally fucking ridiculous,
you know?
I'm not telling you
the way things should be.
I'm telling you how they are.
And unfortunately, a woman,
Within three seconds,
Is gonna notice whether or not
your shoes match your pants
or your shirt's buttoned up too high
or it's tucked in when it shouldn't be
or you have a cell phone
attached to your woven belt.
This is--
Look, when you were overseas,
didn't you find any, like,
really cool clothes?
You want me to wear
a sarong to work?
Look, I can't stand guys that try
to make a statement with what they wear.
- It's not me.
- Daniel.
I'm not trying to turn you into some big city,
man cougar prick like Cash
or any of those guys.
All I'm saying is, unfortunately,
What you wear does
make a statement to women,
and your statement right now is,
''Hi. welcome to Blockbuster.''
We're going in here.
Can you help this guy out?
What did you have in mind
for little Tommy Hilfiger here?
Just something he can wear out in public.
I'm right here, guys.
I can hear what you're saying.
Maybe something casual sexy.
- Sounds about right.
- How sexy?
Medium.
Or small sexy.
Tommy, you didn't have to pay for this.
No, it's worth it.
Hey, I forgot my clothes.
- Yeah. Leave them.
- Yeah, but those are Banana Republic.
Exactly.
You still haven't told Tommy
about San Francisco?
Fuck.
I keep putting it off.
It would just put
so much pressure on things.
Yeah, but you're running out of time.
God, I hope my fucking vibrator
appreciates this.
Hey, isn't Lisa supposed to be here?
I don't know, maybe she didn't want
to have her vagina torn off.
- Hello?
- Hey, where are you?
I'm home.
Can you guys come over?
- Yeah, what's wrong?
- Oh, bitch fucker.
Bill left his email account
open on his computer.
We'll be right there.
Don't go early.
Don't go early.
Don't go early.
Ow, son of a bitch!
Steve-O, you're at, like, a ten.
I need you down
at a shut the fuck up.
Fuck right off, okay?
Come on, let's go again.
- Does it hurt that bad?
- There you go. Shot.
- Refill. Jesus.
- All right, now, everybody listen, listen.
- Daniel?
- Yes.
What have you learned today?
To show your customers
that they want something
- that you have and--
- No sales pitch, right?
People see that shit coming
a mile away, right?
How do you do it?
Fuck me!
What is wrong
With the American people?
I don't know.
How do you do it?
- How do I do it?
- Yeah.
Never kiss someone's ass.
- You're better off just fucking with them.
- It's a lot more fun.
Okay, so first thing Monday morning
I'm gonna call all my accounts and say,
''Hey, you fat fucks,
you wanna buy some stock?''
Was that a joke?
- lt was bad, I'm sorry.
- You're not even listening.
- I need you to focus, okay?
- Sorry.
All right, and stop apologizing so much.
Sorry. Shit.
Look, the reason these rules
are important is because
they're the same rules
that apply to meeting women,
Which is even more important
for you to learn.
Wait. women don't actually
Like being insulted.
That's misogynist bullshit.
No. what women hate
Is getting lied to by guys
Who are just trying to sleep with them.
What if I'm not just
trying to sleep with them?
Then you're gay.
Fuck!
God, that actually hurts a lot.
Had to get him distracted.
Here's to Iceman...
not learning anything, ever.
That's a horrible game.
I think my sperm count
Is officially lower.
Let's do it again.
All I'm saying is that obviously,
something was really wrong
If you were already that suspicious.
Oh, but that doesn't give me the right
to go snooping around like that.
Oh, will you listen to yourself?
Your boyfriend cheats on you
and you're mad at yourself
for catching him.
People do make mistakes, Jordan.
Locking your keys in the car
With the engine running is a mistake.
Repeatedly fucking your ex-girlfriend
Is not a mistake.
Jordan, come on.
He said it was only the one time.
That is such bullshit.
Infidelities are like cockroaches.
For every one you catch,
there are a hundred you don't.
Hey, you're not helping her right now.
Can you just be supportive and not turn this
Into some stupid male-bashing session?
Where's Tommy tonight?
You know what your problem is?
You wouldn't know what to do
If a great guy just threw himself at you.
At least I'm giving myself
a chance to be happy.
Maybe use your sensitive side.
- Show that off.
- Yes.
Use the fact that you are
a complete pussy to your advantage.
Coming from the guy
that brought the piata and the blindfold.
Hit the thing.
- what's pink?
- Xanax, man.
You can take whatever you want
and you'll sleep like a rock.
- Yellow.
- Yellow is Ecstasy.
I left my glow sticks back in 1997.
- what's blue?
- Blue's Viagra.
It's perfect for you.
- I'm good, thanks.
- No, my friend.
Power up, okay?
Like, the ladies expect it these days.
Never take a knife
to a gunfight, mate.
Gunfight. That's a nice metaphor.
Don't listen to these guys.
No tourists.
You ready to be released
Into the wild?
Hey, guys.
We got everybody.
No, honey, we don't need these.
She's beautiful.
You think so?
- Yeah.
- You should tell her.
Do you have water?
I'm sure she gets hit on
all the time, though.
You're probably right,
she probably does get hit on all the time
by guys who don't
actually care, you know,
If she's a Gemini
or what her cat's name is.
But I'm not asking you to go over there
and feed her a line.
I just want you to go talk to her.
You keep telling me what
I'm not supposed to do.
I don't know what
I'm supposed to say.
I'm in the low self-esteem business.
If a girl's parents are still together,
I just move on.
Doesn't really matter
What I say to women.
I have an English accent.
You know what? All right.
Two girls, end of the bar.
Go talk to them.
Okay.
- what, right now?
- Yeah, right now.
Which one do you like better?
I don't know.
Blonde, I guess.
- Rookie.
- Totally.
No questions.
No questions, just go.
Go.
Wait, come back.
Come back.
- what?
- That right there.
What is that?
I told you about that.
Okay, now go.
Do you actually believe
any of that shit you just said?
- Some of it.
- You think he's gonna pull it off?
Not a fucking prayer.
Excuse me.
Pass me a napkin? Please?
Thank you.
De-entry.
I feel stupid.
You look stupid.
Let me get this straight, Daniel.
Okay? You could fly a jet
at Mach 3 speeds
for, like, 72 hours with a plastic tube
up your cock,
but you can't go talk
to two dental hygienists
- for 10 seconds.
- Actually, I was an avionics engineer.
- we never had--
- No. I don't-- No excuses.
You gotta be able to do this.
You have to.
What about that one over there?
- Oh, totally gross.
- And what about the blonde over there?
I want to touch her where she pees.
That is a good-looking white girl.
Ring. Ring.
Oh, fuck, you're right.
Oh, how 'bout that one?
- That's a handsome woman.
- Look at her ass.
She might as well have a tail,
and she's ugly.
You know, some people
might say the way
you guys talk about women is ugly.
Yeah, but we're only ugly
on the inside, so it's okay.
Oh, that-- that is a beautiful woman.
She totally wants to have
a sexy party with me.
She does not want to have
a sexy party with you.
She wants to have
a sexy party with me.
Steve-O, fine.
Go ahead. Talk to her.
But none of that shock and awe bullshit
you usually pull.
Someone has to show
Danny how to do this, okay?
- You don't have to--
- I don't do that shit anymore, okay?
Sexy party.
Okay. None of that scorched earth bullshit.
I'm serious.
Well, hello there, Rodeo.
Who's up for a Jager bomb?
I don't think she's having it, mate.
A Grey Goose and soda?
Yeah, just one.
How 'bout you go talk to her?
I don't think Cindy Brady's
coming over to the dark side tonight.
I'm gonna go take a hot lap.
Thanks for the help, Shakes.
Well, your turn.
- No. No.
- Your turn.
Okay, fine. Okay.
But remember, this is
not about sexy parties or--
Whatever, just go talk to her.
I'm gonna get
a front-row seat. Okay?
I'm Steven, by the way.
- I'm Brooke.
- Great.
You look really professional up there.
By which I mean you're, like, hot.
Like, really hot.
Another napkin.
Where's the bartender?
- I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Yeah, you actually--
- No, not at all. Hi.
- Hi.
Tommy.
- Yeah, This is BI--
- I'm Brooke.
- Blake?
- Brooke.
- Brooke.
- Brooke.
- Tommy. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
So, how do you two
know each other?
- Oh, we--
- work.
You write children's books too?
Yeah. He does instructional guides
for swing sets.
- well--
- Dude, that's my--
Obviously, I'm not gonna
have sex with this girl tonight,
so why don't you give it a shot?
I am so sorry about that.
What an asshole.
- Yeah, I--
- what, you guys work on wall Street?
Yeah, we do,
but not all of us are like--
You know what?
Let's start over.
I am Tommy.
And I owe you a drink.
I'm Brooke.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Personally, I think there's
nothing wrong with bulimia at all.
If anything, it shows your willingness
to reevaluate your decisions
and be proactive about making changes.
You don't sound black at all.
Are you from Europe?
Here goes Jonathan,
Iooking to break some records.
- Yeah!
- Here we go!
That's gotta hurt.
It doesn't look innocent,
It looks like heroin addict.
Hey, give me.
Here.
What if he really is sorry?
Everyone is sorry once they're caught.
It doesn't mean anything.
It's true.
Rich said he would leave his wife
after I found out he was married.
All's fair in love and war.
Are you retarded?
That's just a bullshit excuse
people use to screw whoever they want.
They need Guantanamo Bay
for relationships.
I'd waterboard the fuck
out of my ex in Love Gitmo.
Good for you.
This is for work.
Hey, you know what?
Tommy just hired a new guy on his desk.
Really? ls he cute?
He didn't say,
Which actually probably means he's cute.
I'll find a way to bring him around.
Put this on.
Do I really have to
go out with you guys?
Yes.
Whose bachelorette party
Is this, anyway?
Look, I just felt that if we had met
under different circumstances,
just a few weeks ago,
that this could have been something,
Like, really amazing.
- I mean--
- I know.
It's crazy, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Can you get my bag?
Thank you.
I love you guys.
I love you.
Thank you.
That could have been
Bad News Bears.
Here's where things started
to get complicated.
Brooke lost her purse
that night at the bar.
Her phone, her keys, everything.
She asked if she could crash on my couch
and call a locksmith in the morning.
I know I really could have
just put my foot down,
but I didn't.
I'm gonna get going.
Okay.
Thanks.
No sweat.
I've always believed that trust
Is the single most important thing
In a relationship.
But given that nothing happened,
I decided not to tell Beth.
Hey, hotshot.
Cash, good to see you.
Hello, Beth.
My, you're more lovely than I remember.
Oh, aren't you a sweet talker.
Look at that.
That necklace is gorgeous.
- Look at that thing.
- lt was a gift, actually.
- was it? You picked that out?
- Yes, I did.
- I'm shocked.
- Just a little something.
Oh, you haven't met Beth yet,
have you?
Not officially.
I'm surprised at your taste.
- She's really nice.
- Yeah.
I'm sure.
Okay, who takes the same
bus to work every day?
No, what are you talking about, man?
Stephen's wife is beautiful.
All I'm saying is he passed up
of man-Whoring.
He could have put up
Wilt Chamberlain numbers
and then retired.
Yeah, he looks miserable.
Anyone need a drink?
- So, you came here with Tommy?
- Yeah.
So, how long have you guys been dating?
It's been three months now.
That long?
Oh, I didn't realize that.
Time flies.
Diet Coke, please.
Oh, will you excuse me for a second?
Sure.
Thank you.
Hitting the hard stuff, huh?
Yeah. Saving the table dancing
for the holiday party.
You must be Daniel.
It's so funny.
I'm Beth, Tommy's girlfriend.
Yeah, I figured.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
You too.
- Again.
- Again.
You look different.
So, how did you
and Tommy meet again?
I was out one night with my friend Jordan,
and he was obviously on a date.
- That's trouble.
- Yeah.
Well, he left, but he came
back in the restaurant
and told me that he wanted
to be talking to me.
And ever since then--
Tommy, he's a great guy.
Yeah, he's great.
Tommy says you're a big reader.
What's your favorite book?
Well, have you ever read
Pride and Prejudice?
- Really?
- See, you're laughing.
No. It's just why do guys
always pick that book?
I mean, is it in a manual somewhere
on how to speak to women or--
No. I like it because
It shows how wrong
first impressions can be.
You know?
And also, the main character,
Elizabeth Bennett--
Sounds stupid, but she's,
Like, my ideal woman.
Have you ever read Lolita?
''Lolita, my sin, my soul,
standing four feet ten in one sock.''
Hey, you should come to my book club
on Tuesday night.
I think it would be really great
to have a guy for this one.
What about Tommy?
Oh, Tommy would never come.
Plus, there's kind of a no-boyfriend rule.
Yeah.
Sounds like fun.
I'm gonna have to
politely decline, though.
Oh, come on.
Just you and five cute girls
and a lot of wine.
- Tommy.
- Hey.
See you saved me
the trouble of introductions.
Yeah, good timing.
You have to convince Daniel
to come to my book club.
- Book club.
- Yeah.
That sounds like a great idea.
Really? why?
First of all, you would be talking
to actual women,
even if it is about books.
Well, come on. I'm sure
he does just fine with the ladies.
- Don't you?
- Not really, no.
And secondly, it would give
me endless opportunities to fuck with you.
That's why I don't think
It's a really good idea.
Good morning, soldier.
Morning.
What are you reading?
Oh, just a book.
What book?
- It's nothing.
- what book?
What is the t--
Pride and Prejudice.
Put that away. Jesus.
What are you,
carpooling with Oprah?
Met a woman--
She reminds me
of the character in the book.
You're doing really lovely
With those language tapes, Jan.
So when you say cute,
do you mean, like,
Iittle kid with gum in his hair cute
- or Brad Pitt cute?
- Somewhere in-between.
See, I don't want this turning into some
Lame episode of The Bachelor.
Hey, I thought women were supposed
to love men in uniform.
Yeah, government salaries
and post-traumatic stress
really do it to me nasty.
And we've met Tommy's work friends.
No, but he's nothing like those guys.
If anything, he's too old-fashioned.
What, he still prefers vaginal sex?
Ooh, old school, yeah.
You said you invited him later.
I did.
Oh, I need my--
- Okay, come on, girl.
- Just think about this as a tryout.
You guys are pathetic.
- You look cute. You're adorable.
- Thank you.
Hello.
It's Daniel.
He's polite and early.
- Yeah, he's gay.
- He's not gay.
- He was in the military.
- Gay.
Yeah, don't ask, don't tell.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Come on in.
I got you this.
- Oh, thank you.
- It's wine.
Yeah. So, you have
to meet everybody.
Daniel, this is Lisa,
Jordan, Susan, and Jill.
Hi, everyone.
Hi.
Sorry I'm so early.
No, no.
We were just having some girl talk.
- Just sat down.
- well, I can just come back
- if you guys are--
- No, please.
- Sit.
- Yeah, come on.
And apparently, they've
never seen a man before.
Ever.
I know it's a classic,
but I can't get past
this old, Euro-trash pervert
screwing a 12-year-old
from New Hampshire.
- It's disgusting.
- And the way he bribes her for sex
With candy
and pocket change?
Daniel, you've been awfully quiet.
Have we scared you out of talking?
Well, I can't disagree
With what's been said so far.
Obviously, yeah,
the guy is really troubled.
- And he's--
- Pervert. Pedophile.
Let him finish.
Yes. But I believe that
he was hopelessly in love.
You know, doesn't make it okay,
but he's not just a pervert.
- Yeah. He's a murderer too.
- Okay, all right.
Years later, he kills the man
that stole his Lolita.
But he loved her more than anything.
Even his own life.
I think that's what love is.
Anything else is just...
a distraction.
Should we choose another book?
- For next time?
- Yeah.
Will you be able to join us next time?
Uh, okay,
but I kind of got the feeling
tonight was sort of a tryout.
Oh, no.
- No.
- No.
- You passed.
- Yeah, sure.
You guys can be like
the sisters I never wanted.
- Thanks. Lovely.
- Nice.
All right. well then, is everybody okay
With The Good Soldier?
No. I don't really want
to read a war novel.
Oh, no, but it's
a love story, isn't it?
Well, here.
''This heartbreaking novel
of infidelity and betrayal
''tells the story of an ex-soldier
''and seemingly perfect gentleman.
'''He was just the sort of man
you could trust your wife with,'
says the tragic narrator of the story.''
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Actually--
You're a total neat freak, aren't you?
Actually, my apartment's a mess.
Therapy for all those years of me
spit-shining my shoes.
I cannot picture you in the military.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
You just don't seem very aggressive.
Are you kidding me?
I was an avionics engineer.
- were you?
- Yeah.
Super-aggressive.
No. My dad, he was in the Air Force,
and the only way I could
afford Princeton was ROTC.
Get up every morning at 6 A. M.,
do some push ups,
they pay for school.
But you didn't finish your service, right?
Tommy said you dropped out.
I didn't mean it like that.
No, it's okay. I--
You have to serve
four years after college
In order to get your loans paid off,
and my commanding officer
served with my dad,
and after three years,
I had some--
I just had some stuff that happened.
And he agreed to get me discharged a year
early.
That's good.
- I think.
- No.
No, it was at the time.
But now I've got a hundred grand
In student loans to pay off.
- God.
- Lot of push ups for nothing.
Well, I wouldn't say nothing.
That would be Tommy.
Hey, come on up.
Guess I should get going, huh?
Okay. well, I'm so glad
you could make it.
And thank you
for offering to clean up.
- It was nice.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys.
How was book club?
It was good.
Are you ever actually
gonna want to leave this city?
Someday, yeah.
Come on, babe, it's late.
My aunt and uncle used to be
these big-shot lawyers.
Working hundred-hour weeks
and never getting to see each other.
One day, they just moved to Colorado
to run this hot air balloon company.
That's great.
Good for them.
It is.
They take people up to watch the sunset
over the Rockies every night.
They get by okay,
and they get to see
each other every day.
And he hasn't thrown her
out of the basket yet?
Come on, babe.
Let's go to sleep.
I was offered a promotion
In San Francisco.
And can you make sure
they arrive this afternoon?
They need to be there
When he gets home.
As long as there's a doorman, sure.
Did you want to fill out a card?
Yes.
You like flowers.
Why don't you just keep them?
This isn't funny.
''Happy Anniversary''?
This has to stop.
I guess I did meet her
about this time last year.
Beth, Beth,
you're mad at me,
and that's exactly what Christie wants.
This has nothing to do with us.
Of course it does.
''We all have a past.''
Remember?
I dealt with mine.
You are not dealing with yours.
What else do you want me to do?
I can get a restraining order.
How does one actually do that?
I'm tired of this.
Honestly.
Hello.
Hi.
What's for dinner?
Just peanut butter...
sandwiches.
All right.
Hey, Tommy and Lisa and l
are going for dinner next week
and we wanted to invite you along.
I can't.
I didn't even say which night yet.
Uh, no. I just, um--
I don't like to be set up.
Oh. well, it's not a setup.
How's Monday night?
We're going for sushi.
It's better than peanut butter.
Yeah, uh--
I think I could do Monday.
- Okay.
- Sure.
- Good.
- Huh.
What are you doing home
on a Friday night anyway?
Oh, it's just been
kind of a long week.
What's your excuse?
I'm meeting Tommy later.
So, what's your story?
Why don't you have a girlfriend?
Well, my ex-girlfriend,
uh, fiance, she got pregnant
While I was serving overseas.
She visited you over there?
No.
No, that was kind of the problem.
Oh. Sorry.
Well, it's not really the homecoming
I'd been looking forward to
for three years, you know?
Right.
So, are you interested
In anyone these days?
Interested like, um--
No, no, not--
That's a yes.
Who is she?
Do I know her?
I don't think you do, Beth.
All right, say when.
It's a school night.
You know?
It's okay, I don't have to be
at work until late tomorrow.
So, what was your favorite
country that you visited?
Oh, I don't know.
Botswana, maybe.
No, Vietnam.
People there are so nice.
Beaches are just amazing,
and it's like a million
dong to the dollar,
so it's really cheap.
A million dongs to a dollar, huh?
Sounds like a good time.
So, what was Botswana like?
Okay.
Picture herds of zebra and elephant,
Literally just stopping traffic on highways.
And the currency there
actually, it's called the pula,
Which is the same word as rain.
Oh, 'cause of the droughts.
Yeah, exactly.
And the pennies,
they're called raindrops.
So poetic.
It is.
Aren't you drinking?
- Oh, yeah.
- Never pour your own sake.
Seven years bad sex.
That's a fact.
Seven more years, huh?
School night.
Oops.
Let's have a toast.
To Daniel's success in his new job.
And to Lisa's promotion.
And to Beth, for organizing tonight.
Yes, here's to everyone.
Except me.
Beth, what are you going to do
about that job offer in California?
Well, it's such a great opportunity,
but part of me feels
Like I shouldn't go.
When would you be moving?
Probably in about a month.
Yeah. I'd miss her like crazy,
but it's only a plane ride, right?
Yeah. I mean, it's not that far.
I just can't make up my mind.
I know how you can figure it out.
This...
can show you exactly
What you want, deep down.
Yeah, let's leave all of life's
major decisions to a coin toss.
That's brilliant, Daniel.
I don't really believe in luck.
No, it's not about luck.
Okay?
Heads you stay, tails you go.
You gotta trust me, though, okay?
- This is ridiculous.
- Heads you stay, tails you go.
What do you want it to be?
Stay.
Then that's your answer.
What was it really?
What was it?
Doesn't matter.
Dude, you looked at it.
Come on.
That's not the point.
She knows what she wants now.
Yeah, I guess I do.
Thanks for dinner, Tommy.
- Yes.
- Yes, very generous, as always.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Shit. I left my credit card inside.
Be right back.
- I think I'm gonna call it a night.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
Do you want to share a cab?
No.
I'm headed downtown,
you're headed Upper west, right?
Yeah.
Wouldn't make sense, you know?
Logistically.
Got it. what's the plan?
I'm just gonna call it a night.
- Thanks for everything, man.
- Really?
Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
You guys have a good night, all right?
- You too.
- Yeah, right. Good night.
Take care.
What's the 10-spot, 45?
I'm not trying to bend you over, okay?
Just grow a pair of nuts and lift me.
I still need a better bid from Northrup.
Daniel, you're up on Cyberon.
All right, take a report.
Hundred thou?
A nickel better than your order.
Yeah. Okay, thanks.
Jack, stick with me on this one.
- Did you hear me?
- Get him to fucking hit me.
All right, Jack,
We just got another seller.
It's fill or kill.
What do you want to do?
Great. I'll have Jen
call you with the report.
Have fun in the Hamptons.
Yep.
Done your way, Shakespeare.
Thank you, Danimal.
Jen.
I'm all over it, Danimal.
You know, it's kind of sad
If you think about it.
Those guys spend all their time
Looking for something
they're never gonna find.
What? The perfect woman?
Yeah, there's no such thing.
So you've never been tempted, huh?
Well, I mean, of course
I've been tempted.
Why? Does that surprise you?
I can go home at night,
I can look at my wife
and my kids in the eye,
not feel like a total fraud.
I mean, to me,
that's a good trade.
Daniel. How's it going?
Good to see you, man.
Hi, Daniel.
I'm Christie.
I've heard a lot about you.
Yeah, you too.
Yeah. So, Daniel and I have a meeting
We gotta get up to.
So I'll see you later.
Okay. Bye.
Sorry about that.
She's a little nuts
and I had to stop her
from coming upstairs.
- It's okay. It's fine.
- But you show up in the nick of time.
It's good.
This is good.
And I know you and Beth
are becoming real good friends.
I think that's cool and everything.
This is probably something
she doesn't need to hear about,
unless you're trying to split us up
for some reason.
Fucking with you.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Hi, it's Tommy.
Leave a message.
Hey, Beth.
Hey. where are you?
I'm at home.
Tommy said you guys had
an important dinner tonight.
Well, I guess
I'm not that important.
- Did you finish the book yet?
- Yeah.
I just did.
I'm not sure how
I feel about it, though.
What do you mean?
Well, you kind of
just trust the narrator
out of habit, you know?
But just as you're getting into it,
he just turns out to be full of shit.
Yeah, so?
What's the point of that?
Maybe it's just like real life.
Sometimes, people just aren't
Who you thought they were.
You'd tell me if--
If something were going on
With Tommy, right?
Yeah, if I knew anything.
I mean, there's no stupid guy code
or anything, is there?
Don't say anything
to Tommy, okay?
No, of course not.
Thanks.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Do you want to come get a drink
With me and my friends?
I can't, Beth.
I'm kind of expecting someone.
Oh. Okay.
Well, have fun tonight.
Whatever you're doing. And--
Well, you know, not too much fun.
Ha-ha.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay. Bye.
Hello.
Delivery for Mr. Daniel.
Yep, come on up.
Doesn't this place have any boys?
You should call Daniel.
What's up with Daniel tonight?
I don't know. It's--
It sounded like he had
some hot date coming over.
Yeah. Somehow I doubt that.
Why? what does that mean?
The guy is totally in love with you.
Why didn't he come tonight, then?
You're his boss's girlfriend.
- I'm sure it kills him to be around you.
- Shut up.
- Oh, my God.
- what? It's not that surprising.
No. It's-- Over there.
It's Crazy Christie.
- Tommy's ex?
- Yeah.
Which one is she?
She's the little Audrey Hepburn
In the red dress.
- That's her, isn't it?
- Yeah.
She's not that pretty.
You need to talk to her.
I don't want to make a scene.
Make a huge fucking scene.
This has gone on long enough.
You're right.
This has gone on long enough.
Can I help you?
We've never met before, but l...
You used to date Tom Fielding, right?
Are you one of Tommy's ex-girlfriends?
Ex-girlfriends? No.
Tommy and I have been together
for three months now.
Nice necklace.
Sorry.
I ran into an old friend
on line for the bathroom.
It's okay.
Should we get the check?
Actually, I think I want to stay out tonight.
I mean, we spent the whole day inside.
Yeah, but wasn't it great?
Well, all we ever do
Is stay in and have sex...
since the first night we met.
I want to go out tonight.
But we are out.
Ciao, carissima.
Ciao, Paolo.
Tommy--
Paolo, this is Tommy.
- Ah, Tommy.
- Paolo.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
Oh, Paolo, Tommy
speaks ltalian too.
Yeah, it's a little loud in here
and I'm a little rusty, probably, so--
We speak English then, hmm?
Yeah. It's probably better for everyone.
Sure.
So, how do you guys
know each other?
Oh, I-- Okay.
So, one day, Brooke came into my studio
to make some photos.
Very nice photos, eh?
- Paolo is a genius.
- Oh, no.
- Yes.
- So,
Tommy, what is it you do?
I work at a bank--
Morgan Brothers.
- Sales trading.
- I understand. wall Street.
I get it. Money, huh? Money?
Paolo, when did you get to New York,
and why didn't you call me?
I'm only here one week.
I mean, tomorrow I have show opening,
tonight we're out to celebrate, I did--
You must join us.
To celebrate. Tonight.
Oh, come on. Huh?
Well, you wouldn't mind
If I went with them, would you?
I mean, you wanted to
go home anyway, right?
Euro-trash piece of fucking shit.
If that's what you want to go home with.
I mean, fuck!
Sorry about that.
Have a good evening.
Hey, Samantha, it's Thomas.
It's about 11:00 Saturday night.
I would love to see you,
so give me a call back.
All right.
Amy. Tom.
Hey. Saturday night, about 10.
I'd love to see you.
Jen.
It's your favorite co-Worker, Tommy.
I'd love to see you,
even if it's late.
So call me back.
Fuck.
You should hear some of the things
he says about you.
I think I have an idea.
I spent so much time hating you.
I don't know what to believe.
Hey, Beth.
How's girls' night out going?
Tommy, I don't want to see you again.
Ever.
Whoa-- wait, Beth.
What are you talking about?
That's-- where are you?
I know about Christie, Tommy.
- Everything.
- No, what are you--
Beth, this is crazy.
No, it's not, actually.
Well, not anymore.
Who have you been talking to?
Beth. Beth!
Fuck.
Hey, you know what, buddy?
Change of plans.
We're gonna be staying downtown.
Coming.
Hey.
- Hey.
- what's up?
What's going on, man?
You, uh--
You haven't spoken to Beth tonight
by any chance, have you?
Well, yeah, but I didn't
think it was a big deal.
Well, it is a big deal, Daniel.
It's a big fucking deal.
- why?
- 'Cause you told her I was fucking Christie.
I don't even know what--
You want to fuck my girl,
don't you, you little fucking cunt?
I didn't say anything.
You didn't say anything?
Why would you call her, huh?
- Huh?
- She called me.
We talked for two minutes
about a book we were reading.
That's it.
Book club.
Yeah.
Oh, now I understand.
You can understand
Why I misinterpreted--
Actually, I can't, Tommy.
Hurt me as much as it did you.
I'm sure we'll be laughing
about it on Monday.
Look, I'll take you out to lunch, okay?
- Yeah.
- All right, all right.
Look, you think it over,
you get that fixed up.
Monday we'll straighten
this whole thing out.
I don't think so, Tommy.
Daniel, come on, don't--
Go home, Tommy.
Just go home.
Sounds good. Okay. Okay.
$8.20, please.
I think I lost my wallet.
$8.20, sir.
I think I lost my wallet, sir.
We can go ATM.
No, my cards are in my wallet.
But, you know,
I'll tell you what.
I have money upstairs.
If you just wait here for a couple minutes,
I'll run up, I'll grab it,
I'll bring it down for you.
Get the fuck out of my taxi.
- Hey, Beth.
- Hey.
Sorry. Um, do you
still have company?
No. No, not at all.
Are you okay?
Can I ask a favor?
You can say no, but, um...
Please don't say no, okay?
Beth, Beth, I'll be right there.
It's been a while, Tommy.
Evening, Miss Perkins.
Your place looks nice.
Did you miss me?
What did you do now?
Hi, Christie, it's Mom.
Call me when you get a chance.
Hey, it's Tommy.
I'm just gonna crash
at my place tonight, okay?
- You fucking asshole.
- Love you.
Fuck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- what?
- Yeah.
What happened?
I guess Tommy's
having a rough night.
Tommy did that?
Why would he--
I guess he thought that I--
- That I told you about Christie.
- How would you even--
- wow. ls everybody fucking left-handed?
- You knew?
- The whole time?
- No. Not the whole time.
Why didn't you tell me?
- I should have.
- No.
You have your job to think about,
and your friends.
Beth, I quit my job.
Those aren't my friends.
It's just you.
Baby, you're a little light here.
I know. I'll make it up to you.
I'm sorry, baby, but you know
It doesn't work that way.
Look, I lost my wallet tonight.
And I will make it up to you.
- I promise.
- Listen, motherfucker.
You will get me
my motherfucking money
or I'm gonna fucking scream
until the fucking cops come.
And that would fuck you a lot more
than it would fuck me.
Okay, how about we just calm down.
And I'll find a way to get
your money for you, okay?
Just give me a minute
to think about it.
Okay, baby.
Whenever you're ready.
- Irv, how's it going?
- You can't go up there, son.
I just need to talk
to Christie for a second.
You're no longer on the guest list.
Irv, look, my man,
I'm up there all the time.
Donny, show this man to the door.
I feel sorry for you, Tommy.
I do.
Thanks, baby.
Two stops, please.
So, that's how we got here.
It's not pretty.
I know.
I really don't have anything left
to say for myself.
Maybe that's a start.
So, what are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
Chris Baker,
he keeps asking me to join
him at his new place,
but I'm just not sure that's
What I want to do right now.
Have you ever been up
In a hot air balloon?
What?
Never mind.
Tommy.
Buon giorno, carissima.
Why did you come back
In that restaurant for my number?
I just couldn't be with that other girl
When all I wanted was to talk to you.
Whatever happened to her, anyway?
Just wasn't right.
When you flipped that coin,
and I said I wanted to stay,
I don't think I realized it then,
but I was thinking
about you when I said it.
I know.
So, what was it?
What was what?
Heads or tails?
Stay or leave?
That's what I thought.
Subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA