Good Mourning (2022) Movie Script

Today's the biggest day
of your life, babe.
Don't get too high.

I wrote a
letter to myself
In the form of a song
I can play when
the Sun shines
I know better
than to trust anything
That I say to myself
when I'm this high
Hey, hey, hey, hey
(I don't ever wanna fall
when I'm this high)
Hey, hey, hey, hey
(I don't ever wanna fall
when I'm this high)
I just did a interview
with my eyes closed,
I just smoked a blunt
It looked like pyro
Only comments I see are
the bad ones, yeah yeah
Only playlists I like
are the sad ones
I let the medicine in
I know it don't help
in the end
But I got depression again
I had a meeting at seven,
I skipped it and slept in
And woke up at 7:00 p.m.
I cut my hair
off like Britney
Sprinkle dust like a pixie
Wipe my nose
like it's itchy
I'm tatted up
I don't give a fuck
Hey hey hey hey
(I don't ever wanna fall
when I'm this high)
Hey hey hey hey
(I don't ever wanna fall
when I'm this high)
[text chimes]
London: God, why is anyone
up this early?
Who's texting me?
Oh, it's Apple.
I wish I didn't have
to do this...
Good mourning with a u?
What the fuck?
Woman: Hi, it's Apple,
leave me a message.
Uh, hi.
I'm a little confused,
could you call me back?
Okay? I love you.
Right, so I haven't left
a voicemail in like five years
and why did she spell
"mourning" like that?
A time of sadness
because of a loss.
What the fuck?

Well, today
should be interesting.

All right!
Good Mourning, Good Mourning,
Good Mourning
Today might suck
Good Mourning, Good Mourning,
Good Mourning
Shoulda never woke up
Good Mourning, Good Mourning,
Good Mourning
Today might suck
Good Mourning, Good Mourning,
Good Mourning
Shoulda never woke up
Is this a dream?
A really fuckin' bad one?
I'm in between...
When I was growing up,
my family didn't really
have any money,
so when I finally got some,
I bought the coolest thing
that I thought money could buy.
I call it the flower shower.
Man, I have no ass.
I need to do some squats.
If I haven't said it yet,
my name is London Clash.
I'm an actor on this show
called Good Bad People.
It's the number one
series on TV right now.
Oh yeah, the finale
premiered last night.
I hope everyone liked it.
Whoa! Cold showers
do make your dick small.
We coulda stopped
this car crash
If only she
would text me back
And let me know
it wasn't true
Now I spell
Good Mourning with a "u"
Good Mourning
You know why it sucks when
you're going through it
with your partner?
Because everything
reminds you of them.
Good Mourning
Shoulda never woke up
Good Mourning
Wow... is it weird
she's all I think about?
Good Mourning
Shoulda never woke up
Okay. She has too have
hit me up by now.
I mean, there's no way
she hasn't said something.
This is Dylan.
I met him when he
was working In N Out
and he used to hook me up
with free burgers and shakes.
He's been my boy ever since.
He's also convinced
that Avril Levigne
wrote the song "Sk8ter Boi"
about him,
but we're all pretty
sure they've never even met.
[microwave beeping]
My dude.

Yo, does this look like
a break-up text to you
or--or am I tripping?
Yes. Yes, that does look like
a breakup text to me.
Because like... I called
and it went to voicemail.
You know, like I texted,
it turned green.
I can't get in contact with her.
It's like everything
was all good.
-Now I don't know where to--
-Dude. Dude.
You want some?
Aw, fuck, man.
I've created like eight
different movies in my head
about what's happened between
last night and this morning
and seven of them
are horror films.
What's the eighth one?
It's like The Notebook,
but without all the happy parts.
So it's just Ryan Gosling
crying for two hours straight.
Look, she said
"Good mourning"
with a fuckin "u".
What, did someone die?
Are you British?
Good morning.
If she's breaking up with me,
I'm moving back to Ohio,
I swear to God.

[doorbell rings]
Good talk.

[heart beats]
Um... Hello.
I'm your new assistant.
Wow. I'm...
I am so sorry.
My assistant
forgot to remind me.
[forced chuckle]
Welcome to my house.
What's your name?
-Okay, I'm London.
I know.
Uh, want to take the elevator?
-[elevator dings]
I, uh...
I watched an interview
that said that you can't
start your day without coffee.
So I got you a latte.
-Thank you.
Oh, okay.
-No, no.
-I mean, well...
-I guess I should show you.
It's your house.
All right. This is Leo.
He's been my best friend
since third grade
when he gave me his gym shorts
after I drank
too much Mountain Dew
and peed my pants.
A couple years ago he DJed
a rave out in Joshua Tree
and never fully came back.
He's also the reason
why I have to find
new assistants every month.
He doesn't trust anyone.
What the fuck?
Did you even check what
kind of dairy's in there?
'Cause from here it smells
like cows milk.
-No, it's... it's goat milk.
-Goat milk.
Where the fuck do you get
goat milk from?
I milked a goat.
No, you didn't.
[goat bleats]
Mmm. That's Photoshop.
I'm just going to stop
both you all though real quick.
Why would you give me goat milk?
I watched an interview,
you said you like goat milk.
Nah, I didn't even
know goats made milk.
You probably heard
me say "oat" milk.
Not goat milk.
Is there any way we could do
one more coffee run, please?
-I'm sorry.
-Man, that's funny.
And that coffee
better be organic, sweetie.
Chill. What the fuck?
My dude.
I'm having a
shitty day, man.
Apple's ghosting me.
Actually, I think Apple's
breaking up with me.
Damn, man.
And on top of that,
I'm still waiting
to hear from my agent
about this Batman role,
but I haven't heard
anything yet.
Man, your energy
all fucked up, man.
Come with me, bro.
Yo, welcome to my Zen den.
Mind closing that door?
What the fuck was that?
Relax, man.
Gotta receive this energy.
[breathes in, exhales]
You really need
to calm down, man.
[new age music]
That's right. Seems like
you're having a lot of problems
in your relationship, man.
-Problems in the bedroom...
but you see this crystal here
activates your sacral chakra.
Costs like $5,000, man.
Feel that.
I don't have a problem
with my dick, but--
Johnny Depp uses them
after his orgies.
Really rocks out
with his cock out, man.
How do you know that?
We're getting your
energy right man.
Close your eyes.
We're finding your happy place.
I don't want to go
to my happy place.
Fucking close your eyes, man.
We're going to fucking
find your happy place.
Just go there.
Are you there yet?
Check this out.
This is brilliance.
The whole world
is gonna fuck with this.
It's going to be
like next level.
This is Buddha Trap.
[chanting plays]

It's dope.
Can you see in that thing?
Yeah, man, third eye.
Told you this shit's dope, man.
Maybe you shouldn't...
Oh, shit.
Told you this shit's fire.
No, idiot. Fire!
Oh, shit shit shit!
Get the fuck away from there!
Meet Kennedy.
She moved in with us a couple
of years ago
from San Francisco.
I was her first investor
in an app she created,
which was kind of like
the Peloton, except hers
took a more extreme approach.
Come on, you sweaty bitch.
-Get mad!
-I am mad, bitch!
-You real mad?
How mad are you, bitch?
I'm so mad!
Ha ha ha!
Honey, what are you doing?
Baby, I'm working it!
I'm working it!
Well, work it
a little quieter.
I can't!
Ha! That's why your
last boyfriend left you. Ooh!
What did you say?
You want one of these, bitch?
She also hates boys and can't
really stand any of us.
But she sticks around anyway.
[alarm blaring]

That is not how
I saw that going, bro.
What the fuck?
I can't believe you, bro.
Damn, man.
Leave it up to me, right?
Yo, man, I know this
isn't the best timing
and all, but if you want
to use that song
for your next movie
at the end of the credits,
it'd be really tripping, bro.
I'm telling you, that shit's
hard as fuck.
-[phone vibrates]
Oh, shit.
So this is Apple, the girl
I've been talking about.
We've been dating for
a year and she's
the only person I've ever said,
"I love you" to.
She blew up when
she was like 13
from this movie
called The Baby Butterfly.
She got an Oscar from it.
We got introduced
at a movie premiere, and, yeah.
I still have no idea
why she likes me.
Hey, can you hear me?
Yeah. Are you okay?
No, I'm not.
That text.
What did you mean by it--

[phone beeps]
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Hello? Hello?
Trippy, are you serious?
Why are you even here?
I had to come over here
extra early to let you know
that finale last night.
Seven days.
That shit was garbage.
You know I don't
direct that, right?
Like, I didn't create the show.
I just act in it.
You should've acted
like you gave a fuck
when you ruined
America's favorite TV show.
Just saying.
Damn, man. Why?
Apple done dumped you for
a new famous guy?
You're a dick, man.
I don't know how
you keep getting in my house.
Leo, can I please
use your phone?
Yeah, man.
No swiping.
You got Apple's number?
Fuck no.
I got boundaries, man.
I'll never have her number.
Bro, you're tripping.
Damn, everything's
so weird today, bro.
Damn, London, you're sure
right about that, man.
Mercury is in Everglades.
-It's retrograde, Leo.
Thank you.
Thank you. What?
How did you even?
Can you put that in a bowl of
rice and see if it'll work?
Hey, that rice better
be organic!
["Organic" echoes]
The universe is talking, man.
Why knock if you're just
going to come in anyway?
Kennedy, I need Apple's number.
You don't have your own
girlfriend's phone number.
It's in my phone.
Where is your phone?
It's in rice. Um...
Please don't move out.
In here I've already moved out.

I have a question.
Do you know Dylan is drowning
in his bowl of cereal right now?
I do know that
because I saved his life.
Leo just committed arson
ten minutes ago
and my girlfriend
is breaking up with me.
How the fuck do you not care?
Do you care?
Okay, so I paid all
of your utilities,
I deposited the mortgage,
the fridge is full of food.
There's a plunger
in that downstairs bathroom
and Leo should probably
explore a new diet.
And also, you're definitely
going to need this.
Oh, and no, I don't care,
because you're like 30.
Time to grow up.
You really were the best
Remember that one time
you changed my tire?
Taught me how to tie a tie.
Now I'll probably never
see you again.
Put your seat belt on.
Farewell, London.
Goodbye, Kennedy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You moved into the house
across the street?
Hello, London.
What the fuck?
This is Angel.
He's another one of my
best friends from back home
and he's always been
the cool one.
At least in his mind.
He started this clothing
company called No Safety,
and it made a bunch of money
after for some kid on TikTok
wore it in a video
of him smoking his own pubes.
Hey, a win's a win.
I think I got to go full method
to get this Batman role.
I don't know, homey.
Method actors are weird.
Remember that time
on the set of Good Bad People?
Danny Trejo's arrived, he's
our guest today on the show.
He's playing a caveman.
Just reminder,
he's full method.
Sick, this is tight.
Danny, what's up, man?
Dude, I'm such a big fan.
I'm so excited that
you're doing this show.
This is so tight.
You need a... you need help
with your acting shit?
My agent said that I should do
some self tapes or whatever.
Can you film me?
You can't...
you can't do those yourself?
I just got hit in the head
with a water balloon
and it broke my phone, so...
It happened to me once, too.
So if you want to have me
film that, that'd be cool.
No, I know, but
it's a self... tape.
I get it.
Just fucking help me. Thanks.
Bring your phone.
Use the stairs.
I'll meet you down there.
For fuck's sake.
Angel, it's one floor down.
Fuck you.
Okay, this is
my impersonation of
Draco Malfoy looking for drugs.
Where's the pot, Potter?
I don't like Draco very much.
You've already started it,
haven't you?
I just wanted him
to play the viola.
Now go fetch him,
tell him I gave him
a five fat dollar gold piece
he plays his little habanero
pepper heart out.
Go on.
Anyone know
the number of 911?
All righty then.
Wait, am I supposed to--
Am I supposed to say--
You're supposed to shut
the fuck up.
-I'm a wall.
Yo, what was that one?
Like Game of Thrones
or something.
I'm trying to get
on one of those shows.
Oh yeah, I can see that.
I can see that.
Oh, shit.
Olive, really?
This is serious shit, fuck.
You have to go right now.
You have to meet
your agent in 20 minutes.
You can't get anywhere
in 20 minutes.
This didn't work.

Okay, so that's Sabrina.
She's my stalker.
She literally sits out here
every day, leaves me flowers,
sends me DMs.
Wave to your stalker.
Got my number a couple
of times, I don't know how.
Sends me texts.
It's all pretty weird.
Ah, fuck, it's starting
to burn my hand.
I got it.
Wait, is that why
you wear gloves?
Bro, you never jerked
off with those gloves, did you?
Oh, in that case, I don't
want to hit that.
-Me, either.
-Oh, God no.
Tick tock.
Oh, Jesus. About fucking time.
Hi. Hello. Hello.
Hi, I'm... hi.
Oh no.
Meet Maxine Goldberg.
Probably the scariest person
I've ever met in my entire life
and one of the biggest
I've ever met in
my entire life.
In the three years
of knowing her,
I've never actually seen
her physically touch anybody.
She also happens to
be one of
Hollywood's most
powerful agents.
You guys are right on time.
20 minutes late.
Do you want to thank me now
for the best day of your life?
You actually want me to
thank you?
Fine, get me another purse,
this one's disgusting
For that.
The Batman script.
Shut the fuck up!
-How did you get this?
-How did I get this?
I'm Maxine.
What do you mean, how did I--
Okay, Google me.
That's how I got it.
You have a meeting with
the director today at 5:00.
You just need to show up.
He's a narcissist,
so just say you liked him
on Joe Rogan or some shit
and the job is yours.
-Don't put that on your face.
-I can't. I can't go today.
-You can't go today?
Apple's like breaking up
with me,
my head's all over the place.
I need to figure that out.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
That is awful.
But I am going to say to you
what I say to all my clients
who are in this situation.
The only thing that will never
break your heart is money.
Jesus Christ.
That ho is loyal.
You feel me?
Can you push this meeting?
No, I can not push
the fucking meeting
with the director of Batman,
for the biggest franchise
in the fucking world.
You want me to push
the meeting?
You're already
a straight white guy.
You're already pushing it.
You already pushed it.
And who got a moderately
successful TV actor
to the front of the Batman line
in front of not one
but two Hemsworth's?
So feels like I did
my job...
-I need you to do yours.
I have done my job.
I actually did six months
of training for this job.
I hung upside down
like a fucking bat
from a bunk bed
for two weeks.
I've been training my lower,
my lower voice
so I can talk like this.
Hi, I'm Bruce.
Yeah, pretty good.
It's pretty good.
They'll fix it in post.
I didn't even go out last night
for the finale party.
Like, I'm dedicated.
The work is there.
Yeah, that's not something
you should be celebrating.
Why? What?
Why are you saying that?
Why is everyone saying that?
I'm the asshole that has
to break the news to him
about that piece of shit fucking
train wreck nightmare finale?
Let's just be grateful
that 15 years ago,
I gave this director a handjob
at the Pluto Nash premiere,
and today is the day
it pays off.
I'm going to ask you a question,
and I hope you answer it
better than Josh Hartnett did.
Do you want to be in love
or do you want to be the biggest
star in the fucking world?
Because you can't have both.
-Okay, um...
-This is Batman.
All right,
I'll be at the meeting.
-I got you.
-The only movie that matters.
-I know.
[lowers voice]
I'll be at the meeting.
That was good,
that was pretty good,
Don't... why does that smell
like pussy?
[shutter clicks]
You're free now,
little shrimp.
Hey, London, London,
right here!
-You guys energy is all off.
-London, hey!
Hey, London, yeah we just saw
Apple leaving the Everly
looking all sad.
-You guys good?
-London, did you cheat on Apple?
Fucking move.
[reporters shouting]
I got skeletons in my closet
[hip hop playing]
Is that who I think it is?
Oh my God, movie man.
What's up, Barry?
Yo, you see Apple?
Yes, she was just here
like two minutes ago.
-She left?
Did she say where
she was going?
You know what, she did.
She actually--
No, are you fucking crazy?
You guys never talk to me.
I mean, the only reason
you know my name
is because
it's on my nametag right there.
B-E-R-R-Y. Berry.
I don't know, Berry, I feel
like we're kind of cool.
Like every time I come here,
we always have a little...
-Oh, do ya?
-Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-All right.
Come here, come here.
-You feel this right here?
-Yeah, that feels good.
-That's homie shit.
That's homie shit?
We're friends now?
-All right.
-We can be friends.
One second, sir,
I am down to party.
And I'm cool around celebrities.
I actually frequent
the town with Andy Dick.
If I don't mean to brag.
-That's tight.
-The Dick calls me all the time.
He's like, yo, what's up,
it's the Dick,
and I'm like, What's up?
You know
It's Berry.
Hey, do you get your hair
done at the mall?
That's not necessary, sir.
I get mine done at the mall.
If you ever want to come
together, we could probably
get a two for one.
-You know,
-Sick, dude.
-Yeah, I'm gonna text you.
If you just... I just
need you to text me.
I will fuck your wife.
I'ma text you right now.
Yeah, okay.
Send my love to the boys.
All right, I will.
Send my love to the boys?
-The ones right here.
-They heard you.
-Okay, cool.
All right.
Do you know who that is?
That was the movie man.
Get out.
Hurry up.
Doesn't even have a handle.
Oh, fuck.
He doesn't even have my number.
That's so sick.
I just got dogged.
Get the fuck out.
Come on, today.
Very cool car, sir.
Is this the one that Tiger
keeps getting repossessed?
How do you know Berry?
How do I know Berry?
How do you know Berry?
Dude saved Fat Joe's life
like twice last year.
He can snap anybody
out of a bad trip.
What time did y'all say
that meeting was?
I don't know, dude.
I can't think about anything
else but Apple right now.
-I fucked up.
-Let's pull up to her crib.
She's not here, man.
Let's just leave.
You fucking kidding me, bro?
We drove all the way out
here, rush hour traffic, man.
We get some fucking answers.
You know, my dad had this
saying, if you breaking up,
you've got to break in.
-Your dad used to say that?
Well, I'm pretty
sure he got it. from Aaron Paul
on an episode of Breaking Bad.
Pretty sure he didn't say that.
Well, I'm pretty
sure he broke in houses
and got rich
with that bald guy, so...
Did you ever finish
watching Breaking Bad?
No, because somebody changed
their Netflix password.
All right.
Look, we're not doing this.
There's like six Kardashians
that live on the street.
There's security everywhere.
I'm not breaking
into my girlfriend's house.
Can't believe I'm breaking into
my girlfriend's house.
I'm starting to freak out.
This is so weird,
I don't get it.
What a palace.
Look at that
timeless chandelier.
Guys, don't touch anything.
All right? She'll notice.
She's OCD as fuck.
I did that shit one time in
a rainforest with a shaman.
That's how I got my third eye.
That's DMT, Leo.
Find clues, please.
Hey, don't touch
anything, though.
I found a clue.
[vase shatters]
Oh my God.
Oh, man.
No, no, no, no, no.
What the fuck
did you just do?
London, what is this dust?
That's not dust,
that's people, man.
Homie, did you just
break the dead grandma vase?
Oh, fuck.
We can fix this.
I think that was actually
the cousin
that no one really
liked. So...
We got to pick him up.
Whoa, I'm not fucking
with human remains, man.
Dude, Leo.
You did it.
It's all good.
It's all good.
At least it
was just one of them.
I mean, it doesn't even
look that bad, guys.
You are the worst best friend
I've ever had.
You just re-killed her
entire family.
We got a suspicious
vehicle leaving
Apple Leone's House.
Black G-Wagon covered
in safety pins.
I swear to God, y'all better
think of some way to fix this.
I got it.
I got it,
I figured it out.
I don't want to smoke right now.
Why are we whispering?
Yeah, why are we whispering?
They can hear us.
Who can hear us?
We're wearing her entire family.
I'm gonna make a call.

Your phone's fucked.
I can get you a new one
before the meeting,
and Maxine says you
have the Batman script
and you still have to read it.
Hey, Angel, who did
you just call?
Since you guys want to
hit me last minute,
this is our
spring/fall collection.
We have blue dreams,
blue balls, Blue's Clues,
Blue Man Group, Blue Ivy,
Blue Cantrell
and you're my boy blue.
We'll take the whole thing.
Well, give me my money, then.
Angel, no, man.
What's the plan?
I got a meeting at 5:00,
I don't want to get high.
This is how we fix everything
we fucked up.
We're gonna sit right here,
smoke all this weed
and we're going to keep
the ashes.
Word is from the
funeral home, homie,
only ashes that can pass
for a cremated human body
are the cannabis flower.
You know what I think? I think
you just want to get high.
This ain't no fun and games.
Yeah, we're going to get high.
But we're on a mission.
Our boy is in trouble.
You're tweaking.
We don't got the lung capacity
to blow all this weed down, bro.
Like, you buggin'.
Go get Fat Joe, man.
This is Fat Joe.
He's our skater homie
from Long Beach
who sometimes crashes
at the house.
He's not fat and
his real name is not Joe.
But remember that song
lean back?
I swear every day since we
met him, he gets so high,
he leans back on everything.
Damn, y'all were really about
to smoke without me, huh?
Bro, no.
At least pass me some shit, man.
I know y'all were about
to smoke without me, too.
I smelt it
from the basement.
At least let me connect
to Bluetooth, though.
I got a playlist for this one.

This is stoner music, man
Stoner, stoner
I'm a stoner,
I'm a stoner, I'm a stoner
I'm a stoner, I'm a stoner,
I'm a stoner
I'm a stoner,
I'm a stoner, I'm a stoner
I'm a motherfucking stoner
I just put a forty on my wrist
just like a boss
I just put ten thousand on my
bitch just like a boss
I just came from YSL
just like I'm from Boston
YSL just like
I'm from Boston
Just like
I'm from Bos Bos

Prepare for ultimate liftoff.
Who is going to survive
the four fingers of death?
Yes, sirski.
Oh, my God, they're
going out his phase.
I win.
Whoa, hey.
Oh, are you all right?
The bowl should be filled
by now, right?
This was the moment I realized:
we were fucked.
Oh, fuck, sorry,
I forgot a box.
Oh shit, did I walk in
on a smoke sesh?
What do you guys not understand?
I like girls.
You got to let
that dream die. Scoot over.
[elephant trumpeting]
Does anybody have a lighter?
That's glorious.
Oh, man, I can't wait to sleep
in my new house.
I've been waiting for
this my whole life.
I always get stuck caretaking
dysfunctional households.

Stupid blonde boy.
I know.
You're good.
Are you crying?
Look like you're crying.
-No, I'm not.
-Why are our eyes all watery?
Because I'm high.
Smoke this shit, dude,
shut up.
(Scottish accent)
Hey, hey. Wake up.
Hey, you! Pencil dick!
Wake up!
Ya lazy bastard.
Did you just hear that?
Don't ask him, pal.
You hear me?
I'm talkin' to you.
My heart's beating really fast.
Fat Joe, you're a fanny.
You're a sausage.
And a big fuckin' stoner.
I think the lobster
just said my name, bro.
You see these clippers of mine?
I will hang from your balls
until you're 50 years old.
What the fuck
did you say, lobster?
Your balls will be
down at your ankles.
I'm gonna get your ass.
Get in here.
I will give you such a nip.
You know, there's an electric
eel in there, right?
If you touch that shit,
it'll be fucking shocking.
I'ma get ya.
Okay. I'm not going to stay
here and watch you guys
turn our fish tank
into a sushi restaurant,
so I'm going to leave.
Good luck with Batman.
Oh, and Fat Joe, that lobster
is not talking to you.
[harp music]
Smoke me, smoke me.
I can't smoke you anymore.
Whatchoo mean
you can't smoke me!
Man, quit acting like a bitch.
You CAN hit this shit.
You ain't quitting.
Man, fuck that meeting!
Smoke me, smoke me,
smoke meeeeeee...
I don't wanna. I don't wanna...
Got your new phone.
-Thank you.
Um, so have you read
that script yet?
Because we should really
get you to that meeting.
I'm going to be honest
with you, I've smoked
half a pound of weed with
my friends because
we killed my girlfriend's
entire family
after we broke into her house.
I am a little bit
concerned about the
you "killed your girlfriend's
entire family" comment, but...
She also might be
my ex-girlfriend now.
Hey, Leo.
What's up?
Oh, wait, before you go, can you
glue these urns back together?
Yo, take this body bag.
What do you... what do you mean
when you say urns?
You know, like
a vase for dead people?
There's like a bunch of arts
and crafts shit in the garage.
And then after you glue that,
fill it with this ash.
You got it.
And that glue
better be organic.
You know, you could throw
my old phone away.
[text chiming]
Yes, here we go, here we go,
here we go.
-Where have you been?
I think someone's
broke into my house.
I, I...
[distorted voice]
Wake up.
Why won't he wake up?
Did you guys only smoke weed?
There was a lot of weed.
What the fuck?
(high-pitched voice]
Hey, buddy.
You feeling okay?
Dylan, fuck you, man.
Angel, this was the worst idea
you've ever had.
I'm so high and I got
the biggest meeting
of my life today.
We could have burned
anything to get those ashes.
I've been telling you,
man, it's about
the consistency of the ash.
No, you know what?
Stop. Okay?
Leo, Fat Joe, Dylan,
take these urns
and put them back
in Apple's house
without her knowing.
Wait, hold up.
In Calabasas?
Hell no, bro.
Hell yes, bro.
Angel, you're coming with me.
I'm legitimately...
Legitimately too high
to drive right now, I think.
I could drive us.
[heavy metal plays]
[heavy metal stops]
Let's just take my G-wagon.
Sorry, excuse me. Sorry.
-You know...
-Yeah, go that way.
Oh, God.

Good as new.
You didn't forget
anything in the room, right?
[shutter clicks]
Who the fuck is that guy?
She already got a new boyfriend?

Please read this.
Okay. Me, me, me.
Not me, not me, not me,
me, me.
Don't care.
Don't care.
I save the day.
Batman wins, amazing.
Let me just call Leo.
Yo, Leo, how'd it go?
Yo, we got the urns
back in Apple's house.
Thank God.
How's it look?
Well, it looks lovely,
like nothing ever happened.
But dude, we kind of got
a different problem, man.
What does that mean?
It means you should probably
come over to Apple's house
right now, man,
it's kind of bad, bro.
Dude, I can't.
I'm at the Batman meeting.
-I literally just pulled up.
-Yeah, I hear you.
But if you care
about your relationship,
you better get over here
right now, man.
It's pretty ugly, man.
All right, fuck it, dude.
Just stay right there.
I'm coming.
Just don't let her leave.
Why is this happening
to me today?
I got to call Maxine.
Maxine, I'm going
to be an hour late.
I'm sorry, I'm stuck in traffic.
It's bumper to bumper.
It's so weird.
-The 405.
-The Rigmarole, crazy.
Maybe there's
an accident or something.
You know what?
It is an accident.
I'm it's like a Fiat
is like tipped over.
So it's like oil,
giant oil spill. I think.
An oil spill. Wild.
Fossil fuels, right?
So fucking whack.
Right, so whack.
Totally whack.
So what do you think?
How much time do you
think you need?
I don't know. With the way,
the way it's looking right now,
I'm looking
at Olive's GPS,
it says 40... 44 minutes.
But, you know, L.A., right?
You know what, London?
No problem. I'll handle it.
I mean, Maxine, thank you.
And you know what?
I'm going to yell
at Olive right now.
Please just drive.
We've hit the shoulder lane--
Hey, Olive, don't fucking
drive at all.
Are you out of your mind?
Well, first of all,
I hope your acting
is going to be a little bit
better than that
on your second Batman audition.
Oh my God. Oh my God
I swear to God, if you...
you know how hard I worked
for you to get this
fucking meeting?
Do you have any idea?
Do not fuck this up over a pair
of tits in nice clothes.
[engine starts]
She's so scary!
Drive, drive.
You are not a real feminist.
Do not back up!
God damn it! Stop the car!
What the fuck is this?
Oh my God, she's getting
out of the car.
Do you have any idea how many
dicks I sucked in this town
in order to get this meeting?
I did not suck these
dicks in vain.

[car door shuts]
-Where's Apple at?
-She just left.
-You just missed them.
-You let her leave?
How was I supposed
to stop your girl?
Yo, London,
she left with some dude.
She left with a dude?
A buff dude.
And they had bags.
And yes, they left together.
With a fucking
neck pillow, look.
Oh, my God, that dude's huge.
Jacked, dude,
look at his shoulders.
It took him countless hours
to get it
stretched out
like that, bro.
-He would beat your ass, dude.
-Neck pillow.
Is she about to fly somewhere?
She always flies
private out of Van Nuys.
So it's easy to get there.
I got to pull up to the airport.
Hold on one second.
[phone rings]
I just fucking answered
Maxine's call.
Hi. Yup,
I'm about to be there now.
-What are you doing?
-Fuck fuck fuck!
I'm supposed to be
at that meeting!
Go to the meeting.
Fuck love.
Go be Batman.
I'm not losing her
over this acting job.
Maybe I don't want to be Batman.
Maybe everyone else
just wants me to be Batman.
And I don't want to be...
the lead in a 100...
million dollar...
movie that makes
you legendary forever.
Dude, you're tripping.
I would literally hire
a hitman
and take my parents
out to be Batman.
We've already killed
one family today.
Hey, I hate to break up
this bromance right now,
but I just got a text
from Maxine.
It says if you are not at
this meeting in 15 minutes,
she is going to cut your
dick and balls off.
That's the nice part,
do you want me to read the rest?
We're good.
What do I do?
Bro, go to the meeting.
I can't, I can't do it.
I choose love.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I get it if you guys
don't want to be friends no more
because this is career suicide.
But if we didn't leave you
after that shitty ass,
horrible, terrible,
worst thing that's ever
been shown on a television
Respectfully, we're not going
to leave you now.
Real friends.
We're good.
Go get your girl, man.
Can I borrow your car?
My dawg.
Sorry, Dylan.
Thanks, Olive.
Yo, hold up.
Hey, where'd you say
that meeting was at again?
Van Nuys Airport, how can
I help you?
Hey. Are there any
flights about to take off
or is there any buff dudes
with a neck pillow
at the airport right now?
Uh, yeah, there actually is.
There is.
Yo, please, break
the wing or some shit.
I'm on my way.
All right, bye.
Have a good day.
Fucking weirdo.
About to catch this jet,
brothers and sisters, what's up?
Oh, it's that actor,
dude, right?
What the fuck, dude,
are you trying to take my girl?
Is she on there right now?
Dennis Rodman?
Why are you so mad, man?
You should be mad
at the trash-ass finale, man.
Fuck you, Dennis Rodman.
Great job.
Hey, superstar, what's up, baby?
You stay sleeping.
I'll be in Vegas, baby.
I'll be in Vegas.
Stay awake from him!
I can't believe you gave London
the keys to your car, bro.
Got us sitting three
in the back right now.
Three in the back.
Damn it. Olive!
Where are we going right now?
You know I'm not letting
London miss that meeting, right?
-The Batman meeting?
Who are you thinking
about for Robin?
What do you think about, you
know, maybe like Peter Dinklage?
Oh, thank you.
Hold on one second.
Thank you.
Come to mama.
Is he always this late?
Hm? Is he late?
I did not even notice.
I'm having such a good time.
(robot voice)
Damn, I love acting.
Batman wears a mask.
Just... the actor is going
to have to wear it constantly.
So director,
tell me about your movie.
I was hoping
you read the script.
Have you read the script?
Of course, he's read the script.
Of course you read the script.
London, tell them all about.
Just kidding.
Does it look like I'm kidding?
Whose dick do I gotta suck
around here
to get some pancakes?
End of scene. See, this
is going to be amazing.
This movie is going
to shoot itself.
I think I'm going
to shoot myself.
I can't believe we let him
go in there with that mask.
Leo's fucking wearing
an elephant on his head.
Yeah, I got to be honest
you guys have had
a lot of dumb ideas, but this
one... this one's really dumb.
Shh, shh, shh, be still.
This will hurt now.
What are you doing?
That's perfect.
It's okay, it's okay.
Don't touch it.
Are you feeling okay?
You got hit in the face
really hard.
It is so hard
to take you seriously...
with that fucking thing
on your face!
Good Bad People sucked.
-Your finale was shit.
-He didn't write it.
But you're
the best thing of the show.
Uh, thanks.
I mean, honestly, thank God
I pulled your old phone out
of the garbage can,
found out that your dad's
birthday is your passcode
and used Find my iPhone
to track your coordinates.
You have been very hard
to keep track of today, Mister.
Oh, and you really
shouldn't throw that stuff away,
you know,
freaking crazy people
could get ahold of that shit.
Did you just give me stitches?
Lucky for you both
my parents are doctors.
I never leave home
without my sewing kit.
And that's when I realized
the only person
that will always be there
for you is your stalker.
Um, I want to call my friends.
See if they can pick me up.
My phone's dead, fuck.
Do you have a charger?
Uh, yeah, there's one
in the glove compartment.

That's a lot of gloves.
Well, yeah, silly,
it's the glove compartment.
Just gotta wait a minute
for it to turn on.
It's just me and you
Sitting alone inside my car
It's just me and you
Can you take me home right now?
Yeah, yeah.
I was actually about
to head over there anyway.
Nobody here to help you
It's just me and you
In my car
Bro, I can not even fucking
see in this car anymore.
Roll down the windows.
Wait, am I high now?
You're literally sitting
in a blunt right now.
I have eyes on the suspects
in the safety pin car
from the Calabasas break in.
Sitting in a blunt
Sitting in a blunt
Da da da da da da da
Sitting in a blunt
[siren blares]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Put that shit out.
-I got this.
Oh, God.
Are you serious right now?
-Oh, no.
I mean, I've been
on this shit for eight hours.
You know us actors
and our organic diets.
I'll be back.
That is a Juilliard thing.
They have this whole new
nutritional digestive
artistic integration thing.
I've had worse meetings.
He really reminds me
of a young River Phoenix.
-Mm-hmm. Doesn't he?
He reminds me of
the fucking elephant man.
This is L.A., man.
We can smoke wherever we want.
I'm aware of that.
Come on down.
Let's have a little chat.
You a cool cop or something?
Yeah, stoney smurf.
Give me a little bit of that.
All right.
Thank you, how about that?
-All right. Cool.
-Get over here. Get over.
I trusted you!
-Get that out of here.
-What the fuck?
Hands in the air.
Hands in the air.
Oh, take a dubstep
back there, Daft Punk.
-All right.
-What up, Leo.
How was the meeting, bro?
Man, you know I killed it.
I hope I got the part.
Oh my God.
Okay, here we go.
Did that really just happen,
or is this some good-ass weed?
This is some good ass weed, bro.
Oh my God, it's all
over my hand.
Why do you always
sit outside my house?
Follow me to work.
I guess I just really
relate to you.
I don't think
you really know me.
That's just a character on
Good Bad People, that's not me.
I'm not talking about
Good Bad People.
I've been a fan since
I Hate My Parents.
You've seen
I Hate My Parents?
-That's crazy.
I feel like no one saw that.
Oh well, I watched it
like every single day.
I know every line.
Honestly, I mean,
the acting, it's just...
It's so brilliant.
No way, how did you
get one of these?
They don't even sell these here.
This used to be my favorite
drink back in...
-...high school.
-High school.
[music plays]
I never thought
Shut the fuck up.
This used to be my...
-...favorite song.
-Favorite song.
I traced the cord
back to the wall
No wonder it was
never plugged in at all
Damn, why is everyone
so worried about me?
Oh. They probably
saw the video of the fight.
There was a video
of the fight?
I mean, it went viral.
It's trending everywhere.
Oh, I look like
such a fucking idiot.
No, you don't.
You look amazing even
while getting knocked out.
It's crazy.
I got to call Apple.
Damn, straight to voicemail.
She's not answering
any of my calls.
Kinda sounds like she sucks.
I shouldn't laugh at that.
It was funny.
This is as far as I can go.
-Oh, right, the, uh...
-Restraining order.
Well, I won't tell
if you won't.
Also thank you for my stitches.
-The Band-Aid.
Looks good.
Poor baby.
You're actually cool.
I'm down to be friends.
Yeah, okay.
Are you serious?
Is this why you've been
acting weird all day?
Baby, I can explain.
Is that your stalker?
-No, no, no, no.
I love you.
We can run away together,
I have two first-class
tickets to Cancun.
What? No.
Hey, where are you going?
Also, wait, why are
you mad at me?
You're the one
who is running around town
with some other
guy this afternoon.
I came here to make sure
you are okay
because I saw your ass
getting whupped on Instagram,
but clearly you're
doing just fine.
Okay. Yeah, that looks bad,
but it's not.
She just kidnaped me
after I got knocked out.
Why are you avoiding the fact
that I saw you with another guy?
You mean, Luca, my stylist?
The big guy?
He's a stylist?
But you know what, that might
get a little confusing for you
when you get high
with your friends all the time.
So let me make this
not confusing for you.
We need a break.
I'm not doing this right now.
You know what,
fuck that.
You started this shit when you
said that dumb text message.
What message?
Why did you spell
it like that, hm?
It's a typo.
Okay. Okay, well,
what about this,
I wish I didn't have
to do this through text.
Because I wish
I could do it in person
because I like
waking up next to you.

Wait, Apple.
[car starts]
Not going that way.
Hey, babe!
See you later, okay?
Definitely not.

Hey, this is London.
Leave a message.
All right, Maxine, here.
Um, leaving you a voicemail
because you
all of a sudden don't pick up
the phone for me anymore.
That's maybe the first time
I've left a voicemail in years.
People don't send me to
voicemail, but you know what?
I'm going to take this
to put in recording...
a recording
so you can listen to this over
and over and over again.
London, you're fucking fired.
After that bullshit
you pulled today,
sending one of your
fucking friends
to a meeting with the
director of fucking Batman.
You humiliated me in front
of this entire fucking town...
Here we are.
No fucking Batman job.
My name associated
with the shittiest finale
in television history.
Worse than Lost.
Worse than fucking
Game of Thrones.
I hope you're still listening.
I know you're listening.
You're such
a fucking narcissist.
Like when I visited you
on set that day
and you were simulating
a sex scene,
I could tell from that
that you can't fuck.
You can't even fuck.
I know you're bad at sex.
Also, I'm not entirely
sure you can read.
There. I said it.
Okay, I deleted
your old tweets.
I still have them
screengrabbed. Okay?
You don't think
I keep shit on my cloud?
You're wrong, bitch.
I still have
all your fucking nudes, too.
All your
Brett Favre dick nudes.
I have them.
I'm not going to waste any
more of my minutes on you.
You little fucking bitch.
You crooked-dick
fucking illiterate hillbilly.
Feels like a good time
for me to be done.
I'd quit, too.
No, I'm just done for the day.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Do you want me to turn
a light on?
Yo, oh-oh-oh-oh...
Are we oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...
Yo, oh-oh-oh-oh...
Damn, bro,
I seen you get knocked
the fuck out by that big dude.
Fuck you, Dennis Rodman.
Oh, man.
Great job.
Nice Band-aid.
My stalker gave me stitches.
Your stalker...
Gave you stitches?
Yeah, she's like pre-med
or something.
You feeling all right, though?
No. This is the worst day
of my entire life.
I'm going to sleep, man.
Today sucks.
Where's Leo?
Where's Dylan?
I'll sit in the jail
She's really hot.
[phone rings]
I don't wanna.
Um, hi. We need you.
I'm just really, really busy
like, new house shit.
You know what?
I got jumped today.
I bailed on the biggest
meeting of my life.
Apple hates me and Leo
and Dylan are in jail.
Do you see what happens
when you move out?
Oh my God, London.
Are you okay? Where are you?
I'm outside your house.
Yay! My first night
away from you guys,
and here I am...
with you guys.
-Yo yo yo.
Can I take a piss
in your new crib real quick?
All right, good looking out.
I'm so mad at you.
Scoot the fuck over.

Bro, they were chanting
your name.
They loved you in there.
I didn't know they were here.
-Yes, guys, yes!
You guys are so dumb.
Let's go home.
-Leo just got out of jail.
-We need to do something.
It's time to party!
You heard 'em
you heard 'em!
Where are we going?
I... am ordering an Uber
so that I can go enjoy
airplane mode at my new house.
So you can (whispers)
never call me again,
but have so much fun.
Come on, London,
we got plans.
So, did you guys miss us?
Oh, my, there is...
There's a lot of
valuable shit in there.
I just realized
I'm still depressed.
Sitting in a blunt
Sitting in a
Fuck you, Dennis Rodman.
[punch] Oh...
What the fuck
happened to your face, man?
Fuck you, Dennis Rodman.
[punch] Oh...
Yo, Apple dumped him.
Man, fuck all that
sad boy shit.
Dylan, find us a party.
On it.
Uh, no. Take me home
and I'm not fucking playing.
According to your...
She are Why-G's house, raging.
You still follow her?
Damn, I blocked her ass.
Whoa, what a good friend.
Why would she be
at Why-g's house?
We've been fighting all day,
like why the fuck
would she go out?
Because you've been
fighting all day?
You apparently broke up.
He looks really cool.
He dresses really cool.
He's a huge rapper.
Super famous.
He loves me too.
I could get us right in.
You're not getting
in to this party.
I know Why-G.
Just tell him I'm here.
Fine. Just get in line.
-All right. Weird.
-Hold on.
Just get in line, everyone.
No. Get in line.
[rap music playing]
Yeah, I don't even...
Fuck it, dude, if this
is how I get my girl back.
Whatever I'm smoking
is making it blurrier
I'ma go hard in this bitch
I'ma go hard in this bitch
Yo, I'm going to go to
the bathroom. I'll catch up.
Oh shit.
Are you willing
to pay the price for fame?
Love the finale.
Wow, thank you so much.
-Are you okay?
All right. Well...
I hope I didn't kill the vibe.
[group groans]
All right.
Be safe.
Okay, and back to it.

What's up, Why-G?
-Oh, shit, London, what up dawg?
-What up, dude?
Hey, look man, don't come
in here with all that sad shit
'cause the whole world
saw you get your ass beat.
Fat Joe.
Don't fall asleep in
my fucking house, a'ight?
Not tonight, bro.
Leo, don't break shit.
Chill, man.
What's up?
You, I don't know
who you is.
Why the fuck
is you wearing gloves?
Fucking idiots, right?
You laughing.
I don't fuck with you.
Y'all have a good time, dawg.
Steppin over bodies
like this was a morgue
There's no way Apple's here.
This is not her vibe.
Can I please have a drink before
I drown myself in this pool?
Better it be that cup
than that pool, man.
Man... Drake has a huge snake.
-What did you just say, bro?
Drake, he has a huge snake.
Drake is in the club
with a snake.
That's crazy.
Hey, I'm about
to stagger my way over there
and get a picture
with Drake's snake.
Damn, that is pretty cool.
That's me and Drake's snake.
I got a picture of Drake
and Drake's big snake.
I don't think that's Drake.
Fake Drake.
Oh, God!
Oh my fucking God!
God's plan.
Oh my God!
Fake Drake!
You okay?
That's some good ketamine.
Drake's snake just bit me.
Drake's snake?
Clearly, this party
isn't for you.
Hi, security,
can you please escort five
guests off the property?
Come on.
-We're good.
-Did we even go inside?
Where's Fat Joe?
-Oh, hell no.
-Fat Joe's stuck in the K-hole.
-Fat Joe?
-Fat Joe.
Hey, buddy,
wake the fuck up, man.
What do we do?
Come on, buddy.
We're going to
snap you out of this.
Here we go.
We got you.
We got you.
Jesus Christ.
Ha! I knew they'd come back.
Movie man!
-Yo, Berry.
-What's up?
We fucked up, we need your help.
Did you kill
a hooker or something?
No, man.
Oh, Fat Joe.
Is it a shroom situation?
-No, ketamine.
-K-hole? All right.
Well, your girl just got here,
so why don't you bring him
up to her room
and we'll take care of--
Wait, Apple's here?
No, no. The one with
the pink hair and the, uh...
You know, uh...
Okay. Wait, why is she...
-Give me help.
-Yeah, yeah.
I don't think all four of you
need to carry-- all right.
All right. Go ahead.
Yeah. All right.
-Oh hell, no.
No, no, no.
Please wait. Wait, wait.
Fat Joe's in a k-hole and Berry
is going to save his life.
Who the fuck is Berry?
Hi. I'm Berry.
It is Berry nice to meet you.
-Berry. No.
-I'm sorry.
Come on, Fat Joseph.
Come on, Berry.
Berry nice room.
Sorry again.
He looks really fucked up.
Uglier than usual.
-He keeps twitching.
What do you think
he's thinking about?

All right. I'm going
to need everybody to back up
just a little bit.
-Please hold my jacket,
all right?
You, get the fuck out of here.
No, you, Sonic, get in
the fucking bathroom, please.
-I'm not--
-Get in there!
I had to go to the bathroom.
Jesus Christ, how do you guys
fucking hang out with that dude?
All right.
Second, I'm
going to need a glass of water.
-Yep, yeah.
-All right.
Does somebody have like some Zen
music or some sort of calm app
that you could maybe play.
Get the mood right? You know.
I don't got the calm app but
I got this app Kennedy made.
It kind of like it.
It's five times better.
It's called Calm Down, bitch.
[calming music plays]
This is why you
have bags under your eyes,
Go to sleep.
Wasn't my best.
Yeah, yeah, I'll say.
Um, water, please.
What should I do?
You just stay there
and look cute.
You see, I've been
very dehydrated lately.
My doctor said.
My pee is dark brown.
[glass shatters]
All right, everybody
take a nice deep breath.
I'm just fucking with you.
You don't got to do that.
That shit is corny as fuck.
You know, you'd be seeing
that in movies.
You'd be like, mm-mm.
Okay, right?
What the fuck?
Yo, what's good, Berry?
Welcome back, man.
-What's up, boys?
Dude, Fat Joe, I thought you
were dead low key.
Where's Why-G at?
We left there a long time ago.
Yeah, a lot's happened
since then.
Hi, Fat Joe.
Welcome back.
Hi, Kennedy.
Hey, I have a question for you.
When you went in my house,
did you use the bathroom?
Yeah, I told you
I was going to take a piss.
Do you remember if you
washed your hands?
Of course I did. What kind of
person do you think I am?
I remember that shit vividly.
Oh, I got to piss,
I got to piss, I got to piss.

I took a piss...
Went to go wash my hands,
closed the drain
like I always do.
See these rings?
Take no chances losing
these bad boys to the sink.
You look good, Fat Joe.
Your rings are busting, though.
Ran outside and jumped
in the car with the boys.
Do you remember, vividly,
shutting the water off?
I don't think you did, Fat Joe.
The drain.
So my brand new house
is flooded.
That's why
I'm in this hotel room
with all these people
who I tried to escape.
Thank God it wasn't me for once.
Did you find Apple yet?
-Well, she's not here.
So maybe you should go
look for her somewhere.
Hey, whoa.
You boys best
be leaving.
Me and Kennedy,
we'll get to it.
-The fuck?
Don't even ask the question.
Take him the fuck with you.
Here, take your jacket.
Worth a shot.
None of this would have happened
if you didn't move out today.
This is all your fault.
You're an idiot.
I hope you find your girlfriend.
I also hope you
find your girlfriend.
Berry, get the fuck out of here.
Can I come out yet?
I wanted to hang out
in the bathroom.
It's not because he told me.
Have a good night, Kennedy.
See you later.
It's you.

You know I wrote "Sk8ter Boi"
about you.
I love you!
Guys! Guys!
Best sex I ever had.
I was holding in a fart
the whole time.
Where should we go?
Bowling at Dave Chappelle's?
-You know Dave Chappelle?
But I did see Bill Cosby
on an airplane once.
-Tell me you guys just saw that.
-Saw what?

What a start to the night, boys.
Yeah, man, that was crazy.
-Yeah, you're a legend, Berry.
-I know.
So want to go see some titties?
Am I coming with you?
What's going on?
The car's kind of full
'cause of all the guys.
Right, right, right.
I'll just Uber.
Yeah, I'm going to text
you the address right now.
-Yeah. Hit me with the address.
-I'll do it.
All right.
-Text you right now.
Wait, wait,
you don't have my number.
You don't have
my fucking number!
I fucking hate this job, bro.
Man, give up.
Block her.
Yo, it's this a milkshake
from Mel's?
Yeah, that's Redeye cafe,
Angel, take us to Redeye Cafe.
Avril was in the hallway.
I think she loves me.
She kissed me, man.
First Why-G loves you.
Now Avril loves you.
Yo! Why you guys always tell me
I'm lying about this shit, bro?
Thank you.
There you go, cutie.
Get my number later, huh?
Fuck you.
Whew. She's not in here, dude.
I give up.
Family night out with the boys.
We might as well
get something to eat.
I don't want to eat.
Oh, wow. Was there a flash
sale at Hot Topic?
We'll take anything but a booth.
Great. You can have
that booth right there.
I'll see in a second.
Fucking hate booths, man.
Man, they got
a jukebox in there.
Somebody give me a quarter.
I think it really
might be over, man.
Like, did I choose wrong?
All I wanted was Apple.
Maxine's right, man.
Can't have the girl
and have the job.
Save the world, lose the girl.
In your case,
lose the girl
Don't save the world
like Batman would.
It could be worse, man.
Your stalker could have just...
cut off your dick
back there, you know?
I can see it now.
Her with a little chain
rocking your cut-off dick
all iced out.
Oh my God, bro.
But for real, though, man.
You just got to let it go.
She was never yours.
It was just your turn, man.
So what can I get you?
Some Panic at the Disco pancakes
or some studded belt omelets?
I'm going to have
the Eggs Benedict
and a glass of OJ.
Let me get a banana split.
I don't see it on the menu, but
can I get yellowtail sashimi?
Can I have Thanksgiving dinner?
You know with cranberry sauce.
-And make sure it's organic.
I will have a cheeseburger,
a milkshake.
Are you writing
any of this down now?
No, I just found out
my hamster, GG
just got her fucking period.
Who knew a fucking hamster
gets her period?
That's so weird, right?
I don't get my period anymore.
I'm only 35.
That's what happens when you
fuck with too many dirty dicks.
You know what I'm saying?
Jams that shit up
like the fucking Holland Tunnel.
Just got to get in there and
scrape the sides of the walls
and get the water
flowing through again.
You know, nobody wants to
go up there and do that for me.
Let me know if you guys
are busy later,
at a My fucking Chemical
Romance concert,
maybe one of you can come over
and fucking unplug it.
Anyway, cheeseburgers
and fries for everybody?
See you in a second.
Jesus Christ.
Furries are aggressive.
I'm not a furry.
This is for sleeping.
I was asleep.
No one's ever--
I've never had sex in this.
Um, Maxine called me like
100 fucking times.
She's on the phone right now,
she says.
If I don't hand you the phone,
then she's going to cut
my dick off, so...
Oh, jeez.
Hi, Maxine.
London, there you are. I've been
trying to get a hold of you.
Hold on. I don't know.
I do not know how to fix her
nose. Get a fucking chainsaw.
I don't know. Hey, okay,
I need to talk to you.
I don't want to have this talk.
I already know I fucked up.
I'm sorry.
I just had a long conversation
with the director,
and at first he did
not see you as Batman.
He didn't, you know,
he couldn't envision it
because the physicality
and I told him I was like, look,
we can put him on steroids,
we can get him calf implants.
We can do all
the fucking shit, right?
He didn't get it until he saw
that video of you getting
punched in the face,
which he thought
that you staged
for him, which...
But the point is, he fucking
bought it hook, line and sinker.
And you are the next
fucking Batman.
-Shut the...
-I know.
I mean, look,
there's still a lot of like,
you know, hammering out
that I could do
with the vaginas
of business affairs.
But those cunts, they know me,
they know me.
I have to... I have to call you
back. Yes, okay.
You're going to be a fucking
little action figure.
You're going to be.
Little kids are going to put
you in microwaves and shit
because you are
going to be fucking Batman.
I love you.
I mean, you know what I mean?
I don't really.
I just... I'm proud of you.
Okay, I love you, too.
What? What?
Please don't get canceled.
I got the role.
-I'm fucking Batman.
I'm Batman!
Oh, sick, dude.
Oh my God!
-You got it?
I'm fucking Batman!
Can I have my phone.
I'm sorry, here.
Did you look at my photos?
No, no.
This has been the weirdest
first day at work ever.
Looks like it's about time
for you to hop on out of here.
See you guys.
I... I got to call Apple.
I got to try. I'm
sorry, I don't want
to kill the vibe, but like...
Maybe she'll answer.
-Baby. Hi.
-What do you want?
-Hold on, I just... can we talk?
Like no arguing, just...
just I want to
tell you something and...
I'm sorry about today.
Do you remember where
we had our first kiss?
Can you meet me there
in 30 minutes?
All right.
I'm on my way. Bye.
She's going to see you?
What the fuck just happened
in the last 35 seconds?
You're Batman.
I'm Batman!
Oh my God.
I wish I had the Batmobile,
but I have Dylan's truck.
Can I please use it?
Keys are in the ignition...
of the car...
Which is unlocked outside,
most likely still running.
God, you're an idiot.
Let me out.
Love y'all, man.
Don't fall asleep.
Love you too, dawg.
Later, boys.
So it seems like all
is good in the world again,
except for this fucking booth.
-Mac and Cheese.
I'll be your batman, baby
Call me if you need saving
Don't let no other man in
Banish them to other planets
If you waiting up, up,
I'm already down
On the internet
I could see you frown
Yeah I see you frown
Will you love me now?
Oh yeah, ehh-ehh-eh
If you wit' it buttercup
I'ma head to town
Wanna save the world
I'ma burn it down
Burn it down
Say you love me now
Oh yeah, ehh-ehh-eh
I'll be your batman, baby
Call me if you need saving
Don't let no other man in
[machines beeping]
Good morning.

All right!
Good Mourning, Good Mourning,
Good Mourning
Today might suck
Good Mourning, Good Mourning,
Good Mourning
Shoulda never woke up
Good Mourning, Good Mourning,
Good Mourning
Come on!
Today might suck
Good Mourning, Good Mourning,
Good Mourning
Shoulda never woke up
I gotta smoke something
for this
Did she say where she was going?
You know what? She did.
[tires screeching]
She actually did--
That's her.
Um, actually that...
Did she say where she was going?
Uh, you know what? She--
Did she say where she was going?
Yeah, you know what, she--
Okay okay okay...
All right...
Your dad's dead.
Actually that works
for both of us.
It used to only work for me.
I'm so sorry.
Wasn't thinking there.
I can make anybody famous.
I can do fucking anything.
Joaquin Phoenix,
no one would hire him.
He had half a face.
I made that happen.
Adam Sandler?
They called me about Uncut Gems.
It was initially
about circumcision.
Okay? I made them change it.
Adam Sandler went from silly
fucking goose
to genius guy in Uncut Gems.
That's why I don't have
Instagram cause I'd just be
looking at butts all day.
Big fat butts.
Anyways, you guys should try
a finger in your ass.
It's pretty fun.
I wouldn't like, you know,
start with it
but you could finish with it.
Oh, wow. Was there a flash sale
at Hot Topic?
We'll take a booth.
Or anything but a booth.
Take anything but a booth.
We don't want a booth.
But you want a booth.
I can't help you.
We'll take a booth.
We went to the wrong restaurant.
Let's go.
God damn it.
You guys decide what you want?
And don't take long cause I've
got a big part tomorrow.
I'm playing a Bush in the new
Leonardo DiCaprio film.
Hm? Congratulations to me.
Correct. Yeah. That's right.
Hey! My agent said this was
gonna be an easy gig!
You didn't even give me shoes!
Hey! I'm an A-list
player, homes.
I don't play this stuff.
What is this?
What am I supposed to be?
A cave man!
Hey! I'm outta here.
I'm changing my clothes.
Hey, do you know
where you can go, eh?
Go to hell.
Right, everybody take a nice
deep breath.
-You all right?
Okay, you sure?
You need like a Luden's?
You guys got a Luden's?
It was taken from the bedroom--
Why'd you park so fucking far?
Does anybody here have any X?
-You're hanging with us!
-Yes! Woo!
Fuck that deeb, dude,
he's gone, man!
Fuck him!
I can still hear every word
you all are saying.
You're mic'd.
It's a movie.
You should give me your number
after this scene.
Did you just ask me to give you
my number?
What did you say then?
Because it sounded like
"you should give me
your number after this."
No, I said I need a cucumber
for me eyes.
You do have really dark bags
under your eyes.
Fuck you.
Action! Action!
-Man, what the fuck!
I'm forgetting the first line
thing again.
Let more time,
what'd you say?
I gotta smoke something
for this

Am I not in this scene?
Sorry, man.
Why are you even awake
right now?
Why are you even up--I'm sorry,
I'm thrown off by that ringtone.
Can we not have Britney Spears
ringtones go off?
Quiet all around.
Hold, plane.
Yes she just left like
two minutes ago.
You wanna do your walking
any louder?
That'd be good.
I know I wanted to be Batman,
but [birds singing] maybe...
I wanna be Birdman.
So I can get these things
shut the fuck up.
Make sure that keeps making
noise [truck beeping]
I fucking hate you,
you fucking cement mixer.
[loud car passes]
[car alarm goes off]
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
I hate you, ahhhhh!
He's taking a shower.
Holding for garbage.
The giantest garbage truck
I've ever fucking seen!
Like, just weave,
you gotta weave through--
Car: What would you like to--
Hold on, sorry, this car's
yelling at me.
Fuck. Shit. Sorry.
You know what?
She's's her first day.
-There's um...
Car: What can I do for you?
C-3PO's going crazy.
R2D2's going...
Guys, that's my IUD.
What is that?
This whole movie is just me
looking over my shoulder
every second going,
"what is that?"
Ahh fuck!

Cut. Let's reset.
I'm just kidding. That's a wrap.
That lobster is not
talking to you.
My God.
Imagine believing
that a lobster can talk.
Oh you think you big huh?
There you go.
Help yourself to that.
[finger crunching]
You're a big fucking stoner.
Get over here.
Try it.
Get in here. Get in here.
Ha ha! I got you!
[electric shock]
Dip me and I will
kick your ass.
Bro, this motherfucker's
still talking shit.
I'm talking shit?
I'm about to boil
your ass, bro.
Oh, dip me deeper,
dip me deeper.
Oh, hot demons.
Man, bon appe-tight, my brothas.
Man, you did all that prep for
this shrimpy-ass lobster?
What you mean?
Bro, this is a limp shrimp
biscuit bro?
Now you all talking shit, bro.
I'm gonna take all this shit.
That's a wrap!
[machines beeping]
And cut!
That is a wrap
on season two finale
of Good Bad People.
Let's hear it for our actors.
Stop that, please.
Hold up.
[British accent]
Is that our fucking finale?
Can you be a little bit
more professional?
-Piss off.
So glad this is over.
So you're telling me
London Clash
goes through all of this in
the course of one fucking day
because of a text message
with a typo?
He's auditioning
to become Batman.
He gets high and sends his mate
to the meeting
and still gets the job.
What is he? The luckiest
cunt in the world?
His stalker saves his life.
Leo breaks not one,
but three urns
with his girlfriend's
family in it
and his solution is to fill
it up with weed ashes.
This is the worst ending
I've ever seen.
You were at the table read.
Get me out of this.
You're all wankers.
Fuck! Why am I limping?