Good Sport (2025) Movie Script

1
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[boy 1] Shoot it!
[buzzer ringing]
[phone vibrating]
-[Cindy] Hey.
-Hmm?
[Cindy] Someone's calling you.
-What?
-[Cindy] Someone's calling you.
- Hello?
[Sophie on phone]
Where are you?
Oh, fuck!
I-- I know. Yeah.
[Sophie on phone]
Where you at?
I'm on-- I'm on my way right
now. Yep. Sorry.
[Sophie on phone] Okay, well--
-Uh, yeah
[Sophie on phone]
I'm back waiting, so--
-I'll be there in five minutes.
-[Sophie] See you in five.
Yep, I'll be there in five.
-Fuck!
-Everything all right?
Yeah, I gotta pick my kid
up from my wife's house,
my ex-wife's house, and we got
like a basketball game
in like uh, 20 minutes.
Yeah, your alarm went off like
two hours ago.
[Pat] Yeah, I know.
I fucking snoozed it.
[water running]
Yeah, sorry to rush out
like this.
I would've offered to buy you
breakfast or something, but...
[sighs] Yeah--
-Oh, no, it's-- it's fine.
[chuckles]
I should get going anyways, so.
-Well,
um, thanks for coming over.
I had a really nice time last
night. It was nice
hanging out with you.
-I'm glad. I mean,
all I did was tickle your back,
but whatever floats your boat.
Well, no-- Yeah, I know, but uh,
it's just uh,
it's been a while, I guess,
you know?
Oh, since someone tickled
your back?
No, no, uh, since I uh,
shared a bed with someone.
-Oh.
-Besides my dog, you know?
[Cindy] Right.
[clears throat]
Uh, I feel like I'm forgetting
something.
-Um--
-[Cindy] Mm.
Definitely forgetting s--
something.
-To pay me.
-[Pat] To pay you!
-Duh, that's-- that's right.
-Yes.
Um, let me-- let me go get
my wallet.
Great.
I'm not normally
this dysfunctional.
Okay. [chuckles]
[Pat] So how long you, uh,
been in this line of work for?
Um, you're actually
my first client.
[Pat] Oh!
Yeah?
Wow, that's uh, that's cool.
I'm-- I'm honored. I uh...
Well, I mean,
you're my first, too.
Uh, well, that's weird.
I don't, uh...
My wallet's normally
in my bedroom.
Yeah, your dog has it.
[whimpers]
Goddamn it, Max!
Max, ah, come on!
Are you serious?
[pants]
Do you have other cash?
[Pat] No.
[Cindy] Okay.
I got him from a fucking
rescue center like a month ago.
He eats all my shit.
He's got this condition called,
"pica", which they didn't even
fucking tell me when I got him,
you know?
All right, I have to get paid,
so can we go to the bank now?
Oh, well, you know what?
I-- Oh, I can't right now.
I'm late as fuck.
I'm so sorry.
Well, when are we going then?
Uh, well, let's see.
Um, I have my kid this weekend,
so I haven't seen him
for a bit, but I-- I can uh,
for sure pay you, um,
late on Monday,
like 5:00 or so.
-Is that okay?
-Okay.
Yeah, that should be fine,
but, um, it--
it can't be later than Monday.
No, no, no, no later,
and if you want,
I can take you for dinner
for the inconvenience.
Okay.
-Have-- have fun at your game.
-Thanks, Mindy. So sorry--
-It's Cindy.
-Cindy, yes.
-Yeah.
-I'm so sorry.
-Whatever. Monday.
-Monday, yes.
Promise.
[phone ringing]
[Sophie] Hey, you here?
Okay, well,
that was not five minutes.
Your dad's here.
Honey, you didn't touch it.
Is the face weird?
I'm not hungry.
Take a bite, please.
You have to eat something.
No, mom, ugh, I'm, uh...
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Are you peeing or pooping?
[Zach] Poop.
Hurry up!
[door creaks]
[water glugging]
Hmm.
Hey. [coughs]
Sorry, uh, my car died,
so I had to jump it.
Yeah, it's fine.
Just, you know,
give me a heads-up next time.
I don't want to have to call you
like 20 times.
Yes, sorry.
Where's the boy?
-Do you want this?
-No.
He's um, pooping.
I don't know how.
He doesn't eat anything.
-How are you?
-I'm good.
I'm uh, you know, I'm just,
uh...
How are you?
Good.
Just a little jet-lagged.
Yeah, I bet.
Did you get my text yesterday?
I did, yep.
And uh, I was gonna respond,
but I got kind of busy.
It's okay. Um, I just didn't
want you to find out from Zach
or something weird.
I mean, you know, I--
I would've appreciated--
It's just, you know, uh,
if I had gotten engaged,
I would've probably called you
to tell you,
but uh, I mean,
it's whatevs.
It's-- sorry.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
[door opening]
-Hey, buddy.
-[Zach] Hey, dad.
[door shuts]
[Pat] Oh, did you get a haircut?
-Yeah.
-[Pat] Uh, looking fresh.
-You uh, you coming?
-Mm-hmm.
Is Jeff coming?
Yeah, he's excited to see
you play.
Nice.
All right, see ya.
[car starts]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you--
[Pat] All right, sorry.
That's-- that's me.
That's me. That's me.
How was your trip, buddy?
It was fine.
I thought Paris was cooler
than London.
Mm.
The croissants were pretty good.
Ah, all right.
Sounds like you had
a nice time there, buddy.
Jeff told me he's been
to over 20 different countries.
Ah, good.
Good for ...Jeff.
Are you upset that mom's getting
married again?
Uh, you know,
it doesn't really matter
-what I think.
-Why?
Are-- are you upset about it?
It's kind of weird, I guess.
So, does this mean you
guys aren't getting
back together again?
[grunts]
Yeah, no, we're not.
Yeah, I'm afraid not, buddy.
[upbeat music playing]
[opens, shuts doors]
[Pat] Let's go.
[Zach pants]
[Tom] All right, guys,
let's get the warm-ups complete.
Let's go, let's go.
[Tom] I don't want any excuses
out there.
Hey, what up, fellas?
Sorry I'm late.
Let's start those warm-ups.
Come on, let's go.
You think I could start off
point today?
You know it, I was gonna start
you there anyway.
Uh, hey, Zach, my mom told me
you're gonna have a new dad.
Okay, he's not gonna have
a new dad, okay?
I'm not dead yet.
Let's go, Will, on the court.
Go.
[Tom] Lower! Lower.
Your asses
should be on the ground.
Jack, ass on the ground.
You gotta stretch those glutes.
Patty Melts.
[laughing]
What's up, little dude?
Guys, I got some business
over here.
Run your uh, layup drills,
okay?
Get on the court.
They're idiots.
[laughing]
I never know
what to do with them.
-Yeah.
-What's up, motherfucker?
-[Pat] Oh, hey. Hey, Tom. Okay.
-[laughing]
You ready to get your ass
fucked?
Yeah, good seeing you, too.
I've been looking forward
to this all week, buddy.
Looking forward to kicking
your ass.
Should be a good game.
[laughing]
You know, I was surprised
to hear you were coaching
-this year.
-Hmm.
I just never looked at you as
like, the coaching type.
No offense.
No, you know, I'm just trying
to spend more time with my kid,
-I guess.
-Right.
I suppose with the,
the divorce and all that.
Sorry about that, by the way.
I know I'm like a year late.
Well, two years,
but thanks for the condolences.
Yeah. You know, Christ,
when was the last time
we were on a basketball court?
It must have been, uh--
Uh--
Section championship like '94?
-Sounds about right.
-Yeah.
You were always a good guy
off the bench, Patty.
-I'll give you that. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]
Do you remember that time
that guy took a layup on you,
nailed you right in the fucking
nuts with his knee?
-Hmm. Yeah.
-[laughing]
-I just hear...
-[imitates gagging]
I turn around, you're puking
your guts out in the corner.
Hm. [chuckles]
Patty the Puker,
that's what they called you.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks for reminding me of that.
-[Liam] Hey, dad?
-What?
Can I go grab the
creatine from the car?
Yes.
Uh, no more than 5 grams,
capiche?
Yes, sir.
Anyway, good luck today.
-Yeah. You, too.
-You're gonna need it.
Oh, and I'm really glad
your testicles healed, though.
That's uh, a pain
I cannot imagine.
And hope it will never happen
to me.
No. Thanks.
[Tom] Guys, get on
the free throw line!
[playful music playing]
Fuck.
[phone vibrating]
[Tom] That's 10 push-ups.
Hey, what's up?
[Cindy on phone]
Hi, it's Cindy.
Are you at your game right now?
Uh, yeah, why?
[Cindy on phone] Okay, well, um,
I told my agency
about what happened with your
dog or whatever and um,
they're not cool with you paying
me on Monday, like at all.
So, I'm sorry about that.
Okay, so?
[Cindy on phone]
So I was wondering
if you could pay me right now.
[Cindy on phone] Hello?
Yeah, no, I-- I can't
do that right now.
-Um-- Hi, Mary.
-Pat, can I have a word, please?
[Cindy on phone]
You know what I'm asking you--
Yeah, I'm sorry, I gotta--
I gotta go.
-Call you after the game. Bye.
-[Cindy on phone] It's--
You know the kids
have been waiting
on you for 20 minutes.
Yeah, sorry, I was having
car problems, so.
Uh-huh, okay, well, I wanted
to talk to you,
because Will said that you
yelled at him and made him
sit out for
most of practice last week.
Yeah, actually,
can we talk about this later?
No.
No, we can't talk
about this later.
He came home very upset.
Well, [scoffs]
I'm sorry he was upset,
but what he told you isn't
exactly what happened, so...
Are you calling my son a liar?
Okay, look, I was teaching
a drill, and he was distracting
the other boys, you know,
goofing off,
trying to make 'em laugh,
and I told him to stop
multiple times, but he didn't.
So yes, I had him sit out for
like 10 minutes
at the end of practice,
but I did not yell at him.
I may have raised my voice,
but I did not yell.
[Will] Ah!
Ah, it's coming.
Ah! [laughs]
Okay, well,
whatever he was doing--
[Will] Ah! Ah!
I'm sure it was perfectly
innocent, and largely due
to the fact that he has trouble
paying attention.
And not by choice,
but because he suffers
from ADHD,
and you are well
aware of his neurodivergence,
So for you to not take
that into consideration,
I find it highly distressing.
Yo, excuse me,
y'all know where the coach is?
Yeah, I'm the coach.
Oh, uh, we're about to get
started in a couple minutes.
Okay, thanks.
I don't want
to have this tte--tte again.
-[Tom] Jack!
-Okay?
-[Tom] Did you skip leg day?
-Okay.
-[Tom] What is that?
-Boys, bring it in.
[Tom indistinct speech]
Pass it like that, okay.
[indistinct speech]
[slurps]
How'd it go?
Well, he practically denied
everything Will had said,
so you tell me.
Ah, what a scumbag.
I told him, "I don't want to
have this conversation again."
We're not doing this, okay?
It's done.
That behavior is completely
unacceptable.
Well, well, I'm proud of
you for saying something, honey.
It takes a lot of guts.
[slurping]
When I was talking to him--
Hmm.
I could smell... alcohol.
[Tom] Good, good.
What?
On his breath.
I smelled alcohol on his breath.
-Right now?
-Yes, Mark, right now.
Jesus freaking Christ!
I couldn't have said something.
I'm just gonna wait until
Sophie gets here.
I'll let her deal with it.
I don't want to make a big
scene before the game starts.
Who in the Sam Hill pre-games
their kid's basketball game
at 10:00
in the freaking morning?
Alcoholics, Mark.
Everybody,
pay attention to Liam!
Elbows in,
shooting hand under the ball,
straight up in a line.
Perfect!
Nothing but net.
Nothing but net!
Net!
All right, fellas,
first game of the season.
How we feeling?
[overlapping chatter]
Guys.
[overlapping chatter]
[Will] Yeah,
you didn't know that?
-Bro, what is wrong with you?
-[CJ] Queso Lily ate all my--
Guys.
I'm like, next in line, 'cause
I look like Timothe Chalamet.
Guys! [sighs]
Okay, let's talk positions.
Justin, starting you
at point guard.
-CJ, shooting guard.
-Penis.
Zach, small forward.
-[Sam] Penis.
-[Pat] Sam, center.
-[Will] Penis.
-Will, power forward.
-Penis! [laughing]
-[Pat] Will!
-Oh my God.
-Cut it out.
Sam did it, too.
Well, whoever's saying penis,
stop saying penis.
You literally just said it.
Okay, let's just--
Come on.
-[Will indistinct speech]
-Hands in the middle.
Guys, guys, guys.
Knights on three: 1, 2, 3.
-Knights!
-[Will] Penises!
-You wish, buddy.
-All right. Come on.
All right, listen up.
Don't move, don't blink,
eyes open.
That's how you retain
information, okay?
I need everyone to understand
the objective once we get
out there on the court.
Jack?
Uh, t-- to have fun?
No! You idiot, not to have fun.
-Liam?
-To win.
Yes! To win.
We're going out there to win.
We're not going out there
to have fun.
We're not going out there
to be good sports, we're not
going out there to try our best
or any of that crap.
We're going out there to win,
and I don't just wanna win,
I wanna pummel these guys.
Pummel, pummel, pummel!
I wanna dominate,
and if you have to play dirty,
you do it.
Understood?
-Uh--
-Understood!
Yes, understood.
Now, let's get out there
and serve these guys
up a helping of humiliation
with a side of asparagus,
so an hour and a half later when
they pee, it smells like shit.
-You hear me? Capisce?
-[players] Capiche.
Liam, take it away.
[Liam] We are the Tigers!
[players and Tom together]
We are the Tigers!
What do we do?
[players and Tom together]
We roar!
Get out there and kill 'em.
Kill! Kill, kill!
They're a bunch of
fucking try-hard.
[cheering]
All right, boys,
let's have some fun out there.
Yo, Patty Melt, what's say we
put some money on this thing?
I'm thinking like 5Gs.
What do you say?
I'm good.
You ain't, fucking pussy.
All right, may the best man win.
All right, y'all,
let's make this quick.
Y'all might not understand
this yet,
but I got a whole lot of ass
waiting for me after this game.
So like I said, good,
quick game.
[woman 1] Let's go, Tigers!
-[man 1] Go.
-[Tom] Atta boy, Liam!
[crowd clapping]
[Will-Tom] Atta boy, go boy, go
boy! All right, set it up.
[Tom] Set it up.
[man 2] Go for it.
-[woman 2] With you, Liam.
-[Liam] Got it!
[crowd cheering, whistling,
clapping]
-[Tom] Yes. Yes!
-Oh, what the hell?
That's the spicy sauce.
That's the sauce.
[man 3 indistinct speech]
[Tom] Oh, oh, interception!
[crowd cheering, clapping]
-Glorious.
-Julian, get him!
Glorious, buddy.
[Zach] Pass it back.
Pass it, come on.
Put him in a body bag.
[Zach] What was that?
[grunts]
[Tom] We are pummeling.
Keep up the pummel.
[men] Go, go, go.
[Tom] Huh? Huh? Yes!
[crowd cheering]
-Let's go.
-[Tom] That is my son.
That is my son!
Hey, Patty, when you shit
that thumb out of your ass,
let's get a little competition
over here, huh?
Might as well call it a half,
motherfucker.
-[Tom] Yes!
-Alright, fellas.
Looking good out there.
[Tom] ...with little tiny
caskets at the end of this game.
[Mary] Hi, you guys.
Hey. Hey.
Hello.
Nice to see you, Pat.
How are you?
Great, thanks.
Happy to hear that.
-[Sophie] Hi.
-[Mary] Hi!
[Mary] I knew it.
Didn't I know it? I told you.
-[Mary] I told you.
-[friend] You were right.
Oh my God, let me see the ring.
Let me see it. [gasps]
Let's see it. Oh, it's gorgeous.
-[Tom] Good to see you guys.
-It's gorgeous.
You, what took you so dang long,
mister?
[gasps] Doctor, sorry.
[laughing]
What happened? What did I miss?
Oh, I'm so excited.
-[Sophie] Uh, we got engaged.
-Oh my God. Are you serious?
-Yeah, right. [gasps]
-Yep, yep.
Okay, tell us everything.
So you went to Paris and London?
-How was that?
-Yep.
Uh, it was amazing.
-Yeah.
-Yes.
I met his parents
for the first time.
Yeah. [gasps]
And they loved her.
They were raving about her.
Of course, of course,
they were raving, right?
-Yeah, so.
-What's not to love?
-They're so sweet.
-This woman is amazing.
Who could ever let
this woman go, right?
-You would say so, yeah.
-Like hold on for dear life.
Okay, yeah, so okay, so tell
us, how'd you pop the question?
-Uh, do you wanna tell them?
-No, no, no, you should.
Oh.
Okay, well, uh,
I did it in Paris,
the last night we were there.
-Mm, that's so romantic.
-I had a beautiful day planned.
We started with a boat tour
down the River Seine,
uh, private of course,
just for the three of us--
So right up against Porte de la
Villette, La Cit, all that.
The weather was like perfect.
I mean, it's just incredible.
-Oh, the La Cit is the so--
-Yeah, yeah.
It's lovely.
-It was.
-Isn't that lovely? [chuckles]
And then uh, and then for dinner
we ate at the Jules Verne,
which is a Michelin-starred
restaurant--
Located in the Eiffel Tower.
Right inside the Eiffel--
In the tower?
Just-- you can just look
all over Paris.
[Tom] Guys!
Yeah, and then, oh,
if you ever make it there,
you have to try the venison.
-Oh--
-It's just--
-Okay, we should go.
-Absolutely exquisite.
-We should go. Yeah. Mm.
-Yeah. Unbelievable.
Then we took the trip to the
top of the tower,
and after some pretty heavy
convincing-- [chuckles]
Uh, persuading, groveling--
Stop.
She finally said yes.
-Oh.
-Obviously.
The most romantic story
I've ever heard.
Isn't it? Isn't it?
I doubt it took any persuading
or groveling.
-Well, you could say that.
-I mean, 'cause--
-[laughs]
-I mean, have you seen this guy?
[CJ] Pass to Justin.
Justin. Here, catch.
-[woman 3] Woo!
-[Will] There you go.
[Tom] Come on, Liam.
Yeah. [cheering]
[Tom] Liam,
you gotta stay on it.
Nice shot, Justin.
-Good job, guys.
-Good job, Will.
Yeah, William.
-I go.
-[Zach] Will!
Will. Hey, hey.
Will, get down court.
[Tom] Yes!
[cheering]
Will.
What? Come here!
Excuse me?
Jimmy, sub in for Will.
Oh, yeah, Will.
[Pat] What is this,
a dance recital?
Whatever.
Okay, if you'd rather goof off
than play, you're gonna sit.
Let me guess,
you're gonna have him sit out
-the rest of the game?
-Mom, chill!
I am chill, Will.
I am very chill, considering
how unfairly he treats you.
Oh, really? I'm unfair.
-Yes!
-Oh.
He was just celebrating
our first point in the game.
Yeah, and while he was out
celebrating, our other four guys
had to defend against five guys.
See, that's unfair.
-They're children, Pat.
-Guys.
They were just having fun.
This isn't the NFL.
-NBA.
-NBA.
You know, if y-- if you're
so sure about how things
should be done,
maybe you should coach.
-Excuse me?
-Yeah, you switch with me.
You coach, I'll sit up there
and heckle.
I-- I'm not gonna switch
with you, you weirdo.
Okay, then respectfully,
zip your lip
and let me do my job.
-Whoa, Pat.
-Don't speak to her that way.
You do not speak
to her that way.
You would never speak to Zach
this way.
[Pat] Yeah, that's right,
because my son knows
when it's not cool to goof off.
[cheering, whistling
in background]
Did he just imply
that this is a parenting issue?
He freaking did.
What a freaking scumbag!
You should have just coached the
season like you said you would.
I-- I didn't say I would.
-I said I'd think about it.
-You could have saved us--
You know how busy I get
this time of year.
And Will from this headache.
Hey, what is going
on between you two?
[Mary] What's going on?
What's going on is that he
keeps picking on Will.
-That's what's going on.
-[Pat] Good, good, good.
[Mary] First practice,
and now this.
Honestly, Sophie, honestly,
I have had it with him.
Okay, but there's probably
a better way to handle.
You just talk to him.
I tried. I tried.
I spoke to him before the game,
and you know the only thing
I took away
from our little chat?
Is that he reeks of alcohol
right now.
Reeks!
[cheering, whistling, applause
in background]
-Wait, what?
-Pat smells of alcohol?
[Mary] Yes, I could smell it
on his breath.
Reeks!
-Are you sure?
-[Mary] Yes, I am positive.
I have a very good nose.
I'm sorry, uh,
who smells like alcohol?
-[Mary & Mark] Pat does.
-Is he drunk?
I don't know,
maybe we should ask him.
-Who's drunk?
-[Mary and Mark] Pat.
Okay, everybody,
let's not jump to conclusions.
I'll talk to him.
Be my guest. [sighs]
I need an Ibuprofen.
Thank you, honey.
[playful music playing]
[Tom] Find Liam!
In the post!
[phone vibrating]
Cindy, I can't talk right now.
[Chester on phone] You better
fucking talk, Patrick.
Where the fuck are you?
[upbeat music playing]
I'm sorry, who is this?
[Chester on phone] This is Pink
Links, you dumb fuck.
You booked Cindy through us
last night
for the girlfriend experience,
and you didn't fucking pay her.
What the fuck
is up with that shit, huh?
Okay, wait, wait, I-- I had her
money, all right? It's just--
[Chester on phone]
Shut up, Patrick,
would you shut the fuck up.
I don't wanna hear any fucking
excuses right now.
You need to pay it.
So are you gonna be a good boy
and pay it or no?
Um, no.
I uh, I uh--
[Chester on phone] What, you're
not gonna be a good boy?
I'm in the middle of coaching
right now, all right?
So I-- I can get it to you
tonight, tomorrow, uh,
whenever, but I-- I don't know
exactly right now, okay?
Can you-- can you--
can you call me in an hour?
[Chester on phone] We are not on
your time, Patrick.
You are on our time.
-Our fucking time.
- [Tom] Shoot it!
[Chester on phone] That is how a
legitimate business works,
and this is a legitimate
business
-that you are dealing with.
- You know what?
-So you need to get your ass--
- I can't right now.
And-- and if you're such
a legitimate business,
maybe work on
your customer service skills.
'Cause you know what? Honestly,
they're fucking terrible.
Shoot that, Zach!
[Chester on phone]
Fucking piece of shi...
Go!
[Pat] Uh, time, time.
Come on, fellas, let's go.
Get some water.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You okay?
I'm fine.
[Pat] Well,
don't let that guy get to you.
You know, he--
he's just an asshole.
I said I'm fine.
Okay, well, you're doing great
out there, buddy.
Zach, well done.
You look like
a young Shaquille O'Neal.
Hm. Thanks.
Uh, uh, honey, do you want
a snack?
I have a granola bar,
clementine, both.
I'm not hungry.
[Sophie] Honey, you have to eat.
You're gonna get lightheaded
and pass out.
Then maybe you should buy
actual good food.
All you buy is healthy stuff.
I buy good, healthy stuff.
I made you bacon this morning.
[Zach] Turkey bacon, mom.
Can't you just get real bacon?
[chuckles]
Okay, I'll get real bacon.
Dad has actual good food
at his house.
Yeah, that's right.
I got cinnamon rolls.
Cronuts are making a comeback
these days.
Zach, you know,
your mother's right.
Y-- you really should try to
eat something,
because when doing
physical activity,
it's very demanding
on your body,
and if you want
to perform at 100 percent,
you need the proper nutrients--
[claps] Okay, thank you, Jeff,
for that science lesson.
All right, fellas,
back on the court.
Let's fire it up.
-Sorry.
-No, no, it's okay.
You're sweet.
[Justin] Oh, shit!
[romantic music playing]
-Ella's here.
-Oh, shit.
[]
-[Will] What's up, Ella?
-Hey, Will.
[Will] Do you think I look like
Timothe Chalamet?
[laughing]
-That's a no.
-You don't know about that?
[Tom] All right, get out there.
Let's see some action.
Get on and hit those boards.
[Tom] Oh, we got a regular
Leonardo DiCaprio over here.
Hey, guys, on the court.
Let's go.
You taking notes?
Yeah, take some notes.
[whistle blows]
[claps]
-[man 4] Get down!
-[Tom] Julian, cover!
Hey, could you hold
onto this for him?
-Oh, yep, yep.
-He's gonna get hungry.
Sure thing. He's just a little
anxious, that's all.
-[sniffing]
-Wait, what was--
-[Pat] What were you do--
-[Tom] Nice shot, Jack!
What, do I smell like shit
or something?
Why do you smell like alcohol?
I-- I-- I had some guys
from work over last night,
but I'm not drunk right now,
if that's what you're thinking.
No, that's what Mary told me.
She practically announced it.
Now everyone thinks
you're intoxicated.
Well...
...I'm not, okay?
Jesus, it's just ridiculous.
I-- I woke up late, and uh,
I didn't have time
to clean myself.
You told me that your car
wouldn't start, Pat.
Well, yes, yes.
I overslept,
and my car wouldn't start.
You know, it's been
a rough morning, okay?
Just please forgive me.
Okay, well,
maybe don't get drunk the night
before you have a game.
Well, I had like two beers,
so...
[sighs] You know what?
It doesn't matter.
Could you just address
this with her
before it gets worse?
Can-- can--
can you do it, please?
'Cause I just-- I don't wanna
talk to her right now.
No, why should I do it?
You're the one who stinks.
You smell good.
-Yeah.
-Tom!
[takes deep breath]
-Fine. Fine.
-No, no.
I am not gonna be the mediator
the entire season.
-Fine, fine. You know what?
-Mm-hmm.
I will talk to her.
I'll talk to her
when she accepts that Will
isn't some perfect little angel
sent down from heaven.
Yeah, well,
that's not gonna happen, so--
Well, you know,
until she does that,
I'm gonna avoid her
at all costs.
And you know,
it's probably better coming
from you anyway,
considering you're like,
best friends and all.
What? No, we--
Why-- why would you say that?
We're not best friends.
"Oh my God, Sophie,
I'm so happy for you.
Oh, Jeff's so lucky.
You're so perfect.
Oh my God."
Like, shut up!
I mean, I'm literally
standing...
[sniffles]
I need to uh, concentrate
on the game right now.
Okay.
I'm gonna tell 'em that
you're not drunk.
-Thank you.
-[Tom] Yes!
-[Liam] Let's go! Wooh!
-Motherfucker. Pat?
[Liam] Oh, yeah!
How many dicks do you have
in your ass right now
that you're getting so fucked?
Yeah. [scratches]
[Will] Justin, Justin.
-Fuck you!
-[Will] Fuck you, Scott.
Hey, Will, why didn't you invite
him to your birthday party, huh?
Remember, you used to be
best friends.
Mom, shut up!
-Loser.
-Shh, no, no, honey, don't.
What grown man doesn't
clean himself?
-Disgusting.
-It's foul.
Okay, he-- he just woke up late.
He's not drunk,
nothing to worry about.
-Well, could he be hungover?
-He could be hungover.
It's just as appalling.
Can we just please not make
this bigger than it needs to be?
I don't-- I don't think this is
gonna be like a recurring thing.
Okay, well, Mark and I will be
attending practice from now on.
-Mm-hmm.
-Okay.
-Whose mother is that?
-[Tom] Get him! Get him.
[upbeat music playing]
Psst.
Psst.
What the fuck?
[Tom] Quit standing around,
move.
What are you doing here?
You have to leave.
This is an invasion
of my privacy.
We need to talk.
Can't you tell I'm in the
middle of something here?
Just call a time-out
or something.
I can't call a time-out.
They're in the middle of
a live play.
Time, time!
-Do you know who that is?
-[Pat] Okay, fellas, come on.
-No, I do not.
-[Pat] Uh--
Maybe his girlfriend?
Okay, uh, listen, uh,
I'll be right back, all right?
Uh, Will, you go in for CJ.
No more dancing, right? Come on.
Zach, is that your new mom?
What are you staring at?
Close your mouth.
This is fucking ridiculous,
Mindy.
My name is Cindy.
I don't know how many times
I have to fucking say that.
Whatever!
You cannot just show up in the
middle of my fucking
basketball game, Mindy.
-Cindy.
-Cindy.
-Cindy.
-Shit, fuck!
We have to have this
conversation, like right now.
This is a very urgent matter.
Do you think I enjoyed walking
by those children?
-I don't enjoy that.
-We had an agreement, all right?
-Monday.
-I'm sorry, I said Monday.
[Pat] That's how--
the gentleman's agreement--
I was wrong, okay? Sue me.
Can you just stop talking
for one second?
-Which I was gonna do
in good faith.--
-Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh,
okay.
Listen, shut up.
Okay, fine. That's fine.
You don't have to pay it
right now, okay?
But I need to know
when you will,
and it has to be
as soon as possible, like today.
It has to be today,
preferably right
after this fucking ends, okay?
Do you understand that I am
trying to fucking help you
-right now?
-Oh.
Where are you going?
We're not done.
One second, sorry!
It's all right, ref,
he's on stupid bitch time.
[chuckles] Let's go.
-Kill me.
-[Pat] Here's the thing.
I just had all this shit
playing with my son today,
and... [sighs]
All right, this is the best
I can do.
Lay it on me.
After the game,
I'm gonna have lunch
with my son, okay?
We're gonna have lunch.
After that, I wanna take him
to an arcade.
Oh my God.
After the arcade, I'll go
to my bank, withdraw your money,
and then when I get home,
I'll put it in the mailbox.
You can stop by tonight,
pick it up whenever you want.
That's the best I can do.
Is that okay?
Does that-- does that work
for you?
I don't know.
[heels clacking]
Sorry about that.
All right, here we go.
Come on.
[Tom] Get out, get out there.
-Get out there!
-Dad?
-Yeah?
-Who was that?
Uh, somebody from work.
She just needed to know where
some papers were.
Don't worry about it, buddy.
[Tom] How was your date, Patty?
She's cute.
A little lunch and munch
in the parking lot?
Ah, ah, ah! [laughing]
Fuck you, dude.
[Sophie] Pat.
-Who was that?
-Nobody.
[upbeat music playing]
[Chester] So was he in there?
[Cindy] Yeah.
And did you fucking talk to him?
[Cindy] Mm-hmm.
He said he's gonna put the
money in his mailbox tonight.
So he's not coming
right fucking now?
No, he's not coming right now.
What do you want me to do?
He's fucking coaching.
I want you to take
the fucking money up front.
That's what you should do
first, so we don't end up
in this fucking situation,
waiting on some shithead
who's fucking stiffing us.
Okay, well, it's not his fault
that his dog ate it.
It's his fucking pooch,
isn't it?
Look, he agreed to fucking pay
today, okay?
So just like, give him
the benefit of the doubt.
Give him the fucking benefit
of the doubt, huh?
Yeah.
You know what I'm thinking?
No.
I'm thinking I wouldn't mind
watching a little bit
of basketball.
-What?
-[Chester] Since we're here.
Hey, you wanna watch
a little basketball?
I'm down to watch
some basketball.
Let's watch some fucking
basketball.
Push, push!
Yeah, come on, get off.
-Get off.
-Jack, Jack.
-[grunts]
-Switch, switch, switch.
-Get off.
-[player 1] Do what?
[Liam] Shit, look.
Jimmy, thanks.
[Fan 1] Go, go, go, go, go!
[thump, thud]
-Hey, that's a foul.
-[Tom] Come on. Yes!
[buzzer rings]
[Tom] That's what
I'm talking about.
Let's go!
How could you not call that?
-[Tom] Was that the best--
-I didn't see it, bro.
-[Justin] You good, Zach?
-[fan 2] Wooh!
My bad, shorty.
[Justin]
Are you fucking serious?
[Liam- Tom] He was in the way.
That's how you end a half.
You're good,
he's just showing off.
[Tom] That's how you end
a motherfucking half.
Good shit, Liam.
You okay, buddy?
[Sophie] Zach?
Zach.
Hey, are you okay?
[Zach] Leave me alone.
[sighs]
[Jeff] I'll talk to him.
-You sure?
-Yeah.
-[Tom] Good work, guys.
-Okay.
[Tom] Looking great out there!
Hey, Patty Melt, what do you say
we just call this thing, huh?
Get out of here in time
for bottomless bloodies.
What do you say?
You guys are dominating,
dominating, dominating.
You look incredible out there.
They don't even know
what to do with you.
Tigers, what do we do?
[together] Roar!
[Jeff]
Looking back medical school
was the hardest time in my life.
I was so stressed out
with the homework, the tests,
the pressure,
that I stopped prioritizing
my own health.
Uh, but when I finally started
to take my physical health
seriously, eating more,
maintaining a healthier diet,
my mental health drastically
improved.
You mind if I talk to him?
Just one sec.
And so I'm telling
you this because if you eat
something right now,
I think you will feel
a lot better.
Jeff, can I talk to my son,
please?
You get dinged up?
Oh, he got you in the head, huh?
Yeah.
It doesn't hurt.
[sighs]
These guys are out there
playing like a bunch of animals.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I think I need growth hormones.
What?
I'm too short.
[scoffs] Okay, you don't need
growth hormones.
You-- you're not stunted
or anything.
Mom took me to the doctor.
They said
I'm only gonna be 5'6".
Okay, well, you're gonna
be a short guy.
Nothing wrong with that, right?
Actually, you can--
you can blame me for that.
Sorry, bud.
Just feel like I'm never gonna
get a girlfriend.
[slow music playing]
Did I ever, um...
Did I ever tell you uh,
how your mom and I met?
I don't know.
Well, uh, she was a really
popular girl in high school,
right? Like, the prom queen,
you know, all that jazz.
And uh, I was kind of
the polar opposite.
I mean, I had friends, but uh,
she didn't know who I was.
Anyway, so, um,
one day we get paired up
to do this presentation
on the uh, Vietnam War--
No, it was Korean-- no, it was
the Viet-- doesn't matter.
What matters is that, um,
we started to spend
all this time together to work
on it like, uh,
school, coffee shops,
and our houses even.
Uh, we became friends.
And then, next thing you know,
we're girlfriend and boyfriend.
I mean, I wasn't the tallest
guy in school.
I certainly wasn't
the handsomest.
I mean, you're a lot better
looking than I ever was, Zach,
but uh, I think what did--
No, you know what?
I know what did it.
[scoffs]
I could make her laugh, boy.
[chuckles] Like, tons.
And I was really,
really nice to her.
See, the-- the guys she dated,
you know, up to that point,
um, tall guys, handsome guys,
they never really um...
...appreciated her like I did.
But I guess what I'm trying
to get at is um, see,
this doesn't matter.
This is what matters.
That's all you have control of.
But you guys still got divorced.
Yeah, well, um,
it wasn't 'cause I was short.
Let's get back in there.
What do you say? Come on.
-All right.
-Do you have any food?
Oh, no, I think I got something
behind your ear.
-There you go. [laughs]
-Zach, you good?
-Fuck those kids.
-Yeah, fuck them.
-Sorry, Coach.
-They're a bunch of losers.
They're so annoying.
[Pat] Okay, all right,
enough trash talk.
How much time we got?
Two minutes and 23 seconds.
All right, well, let's just uh,
leave it all out on that court
in this half, fellas.
All right?
Huh, got nothing to lose, right?
But um, get in there,
get those shots up,
but most importantly,
have some fun.
My God, it looks like you're
in a funeral out there.
-'Cause we're getting destroyed.
-[Pat] Doesn't matter.
-Game's not over yet. Let's go.
-Let's go Zach you got this.
[overlapping speech]
-Hey, you okay?
-[Zach] Yeah, I'm fine.
He's finally eating something.
[chuckles]
Yeah, yeah.
He's a little upset um, but
uh, thinks he's too short.
But uh, we had a good talk.
Poor baby, it's a tough age.
[Pat] Yeah. Yeah.
So who was that?
Who?
The pretty blonde.
Uh, oh, no, uh, Cindy?
Mm, no, she's just uh, um,
a little crazy.
I don't know about crazy.
She seemed pissed off.
[laughs]
What'd you do?
I didn't do--
What makes you assume
I did something?
[Sophie] No, I was-- I'm sorry.
It's not, I mean, um--
So-- so is Cindy like a--
like a girlfriend or--
Mm.
Um, y-- yeah.
Yeah? [laughs]
Yeah, it's like--
I mean, whatever.
Well, it's not--
it's not whatever.
It's great. It--
Has Zach met her?
No, no, we've only been going
out for a coup--
a couple of--
well, like a month,
just a month, you know?
I mean, I-- I'm not gonna
marry her or anything,
is what I'm saying.
Mm-hmm.
[Pat] So yeah.
Uh, I'm-- I'm just glad to hear
that you're dating again.
I have been, quite a bit.
A lot actually.
[Sophie] Okay.
[chuckles]
Cool. [laughing]
Hot commodity.
Okay, okay.
[chuckles]
I'm gonna--
-[Pat] All right.
-Yeah.
[Sophie] Yeah, Pat.
Hey, y'all, we're about to get
started soon.
Hey, Coach, we're about to get
started soon.
Mm-hmm.
[upbeat music playing]
[metal clinking]
-Patrick?
-Yeah. [grunting]
Oh, fuck! What the fuck?
[grunting]
[Chester] Shut up.
Do you feel stupid now, huh,
Patrick?
Not paying a legitimate business
when you're supposed to.
All right, this is
what fucking happens, Patrick.
[Pat, muffled]
This is kidnapping!
...it's kidnapping... [panting]
Fuck. [grunting]
-What the fuck?
-No, no, no.
Come on. Come on, will ya?
Come on, asshole.
Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh!
Fucker!
[muffled screaming]
Dude, are you fucking kidding me
right now?
A thank you would be
fucking nice.
[Pat] No!
Yo, have y'all seen our coach?
I think he went to the bathroom.
Yeah, he's probably shitting
himself in there.
[laughing]
Funny.
Can one of y'all gonna get him?
We gotta get started right now.
-Not it.
-[Player] Not it.
[Aaron] Fucking lame-ass kids,
man.
What's your problem?
Jeez, I was just joking.
God!
Pat?
[knocking]
[person coughing]
[Sophie] Pat!
Hey, if you're in here,
they wanna get started.
[person coughing]
[Pat on voicemail] Hey, what's
up? It's Pat Nelson. Uh, I'm-
[Mary] Marky, do you think that
was [indistinct speech]
Actually, no, fuck it.
[indistinct speech]
Hey, I uh, I don't know where
he is.
He wasn't out there?
No, but he'll be back.
Can we just give him
another minute?
One minute, five minutes, shit,
go ahead.
Y'all love wasting my time.
[Mary] I mean... [scoffs]
This is just... [laughs]
It's just un--
it's unbelievable.
He just left?
-He just left the game.
-No, he didn't leave the game.
His car's still
in the parking lot.
Oh, well, maybe he walked
to the bar down the street.
I think it just opened.
Mary, really?
Do you think that's appropriate?
Okay, so where is he?
[muffled shouting]
What are you doing, man?
-Come on!
-Shut the fuck up.
[Pat] Come on!
[muffled shouting]
-[Cindy] Oh, fucking Jesus.
-[Chester] Fuck.
Shut up!
[muffled groaning]
You make one more sound,
and I am gonna have Bron shove
a 12-inch dildo up your ass.
[muffled shouting]
So here's what we're gonna do,
Patrick.
You're gonna pay us the 1,500
that you owe us, plus interest.
Oh, oh, come on, man.
2,000?
That sound fair, Patrick?
You piece of shit!
Good.
[grunts]
Yo, kid,
what's the fucking holdup?
You kidding me with this shit?
Nobody knows where the coach is.
Well, let's get a move on.
My guys are getting cold.
And I got a date in an hour.
I still gotta get showered,
and changed, and shit.
Oh, you got a date?
Yeah, I do, and she's a freak,
so I don't wanna be late.
-Let me see a picture.
-Of the girl?
No, of your mother, you idiot.
Yes, the girl!
[sighs]
That's her with her
sorority sisters.
She the one on the left
with all that cake.
I feel like you an ass guy, too.
You know, that's funny, 'cause--
The fuck wrong with you?
Do your fucking job,
go find another adult,
and get them to stand in
as coach.
All right, damn, you had to
yeet my phone like that, bro.
[Tom] I did yeet it!
[sighs]
Hey, uh, excuse me?
Well, hello, handsome.
-What's up, shorty?
-[laughing] Hi.
-Oh, my bad, OG, she with you?
-Oh, it's fine.
S-- so it's unclear as where
your coach is, right?
No one knows where he's at?
That is correct.
Okay, so I need a coach to
start this game back up
per league policy, so uh--
-We have Marky. Go.
-Any takers?
-[Mary] Marky, go, go.
-[Mark] I'm eating.
Can't we just wait like,
five minutes?
-[Mary] Don't be a coward. Go!
-No, I've just--
I can step in.
Jeff's got it.
Well, you gonna sit there
or you gonna get your ass up?
[tires screeching]
[car doors open, shut]
Come on, Patrick.
[laughing]
It's time to pay.
[machine clanks]
Hurry up, Patrick.
-2,000.
-[Bron] Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, you're shaking, Patrick.
[laughing]
You want Bron to tickle
your back?
Would that make you feel better,
huh?
[laughing]
You know, I don't fucking
get you, Patrick.
I mean, here you had
this beautiful girl with you,
and all you wanted
was your back tickled.
What a fucking weirdo.
Fucking weirdo.
[flicking notes]
-What the fuck is this?
-That's the maximum amount.
-What?
-It's the maximum amount.
[Pat] That's all I could get.
I don't...
[sighs]
All right.
Well, let's go to his bank then.
No, wait, wait, I have to--
No. I have to get back.
I have to get back.
I have to get back.
I have to get back.
-Somebody help me!
-Shut the fuck up.
What the fuck is going on?
Fucking $1,000.
That's his maximum.
Okay, well, 900 is your guys'
cut anyway, right?
-Yeah.
-So you guys have your money.
Just let him go.
Well, what about you?
He can pay me later.
It's fine.
[siren wailing in background]
[laughing]
What a sweetheart, huh?
Such a sweetheart.
Well, it was pleasure doing
business with you, Patrick.
You still have to get me mine
on Monday, okay?
Wait, can you give me a ride
back to the school?
-I just--
-I'm so sorry about this.
[Pat] No, really, I-- it--
[Chester] Adios, fucker!
[indistinct speech] Goddammit.
[Jeff] Hello, gentlemen.
[Will] Hello, guv'nor.
So for those of you who don't
know me, my name is Jeffrey
and I'm Zach's stepfather.
Soon to be, that is.
-[sniggers]
-What do you even do?
Uh, I'm a gastroenterologist.
Gastro what now?
I'm a doctor who specializes
in the digestive system.
So you're a poop doctor?
Well, uh, healthy poop
is very important,
but I'm not a poo doctor,
per se.
So you look at booty holes
all day.
[laughing]
Any other questions
before we get started?
Do you even know anything
about basketball?
Yeah, um, let's see.
I, I know who Michael Jordan is.
Um, then there's uh,
LeBron James,
and Patrick Mahomes.
-God, we're screwed.
-[players] Oh.
No wait, that's um,
that's not football. That's--
Yo, let's get fucking going.
Wait, uh, can we wait a couple
more minutes?
Bruh, fine,
one more fucking minute.
Bro, fuck this. Oh!
God, the amount of swearing
I dare.
-Fucking hell.
-Welcome to America.
[panting]
Fuck!
[thud, car alarm goes off]
The fuck are you looking at?
Can you have him call me back,
please?
It's quite urgent.
Uh-huh, I'll be awaiting his--
[scoffs]
Well, the basketball director
is on lunch.
[scoffs]
[sighs] Do you think I'm doing
the right thing, don't you?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
I mean, he's done more than
enough to warrant a report.
I don't just wanna report him.
I would ideally like him gone.
Absolutely,
a best-case scenario,
but in the meantime,
Jeff seems more than happy
to take on the position.
Jeff is a doctor, Mark.
He doesn't have time.
-It should be you.
-I don't have time.
You know how busy I get
during tax season.
Oh, but you have time to play
Call of Duty
for three hours every day?
Give me a break.
You know that's the way I like
to decompress.
Well, maybe you should try
working out
or going to yoga with me.
You always say you're gonna go
to yoga with me
and then you never go to yoga
with me, kind of like how
you say that you're gonna coach
every single year,--
Jesus fricking Christ.
What?
[gasps] Oh my God!
[vomiting]
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck.
[panting]
Um, excuse me, you don't think
we just saw that?
Mark, stop him.
[blows whistle]
One minute is up, let's go.
Okay, well, that was loud.
-Okay.
-[Pat] Wait! Hold on.
-You're done.
-[Pat] Get out of the way.
-You are done, bucko.
-Get out of my way!
-This is unacceptable, Pat.
-[Jeff] What's going on, guys?
-Unacceptable.
-Just stay off my fucking back.
-Everything all right?
-Don't speak to her that way.
You too, pansy-ass.
[Sophie] Hey, whoa, whoa,
what is going on?
Why are you wet?
We just saw him vomit right
in front of the school.
[scoffs] Pat the puker.
[sighs] Pat, did you puke?
Yeah, but I'm fine.
Thanks for standing in.
I'll take over from here.
You will not take
over from here.
We just saw him vomit right
in front of the school.
Mary, everyone heard you.
Let's talk about this outside,
come on.
Well, maybe they should hear.
I mean, this is their coach,
right?
Their role model, after all.
Seriously, showing up hungover,
freaking not cool.
Maybe he's drunk, we don't know.
Maybe we should have him
breathalyzed.
Pat, Pat,
if you're feeling poorly,
maybe it's best for you to
take it easy.
I'm fine, I'm okay.
It's nothing, I'm fine.
I said, I'm fine.
I'm fucking fine.
You're not gonna replace me.
-Pat.
-Pat, it's nothing personal.
You're not gonna fucking replace
me, Jeff. You understand?
You're not gonna
fucking replace me.
"Oh, I'm Jeff.
I'm so rich.
I go on private boat tours
and I fly to Paris.
I'm so much better than
everybody else,
so much better than Pat."
Well, let me tell
you something, you're not.
You're not better than me.
More successful than me maybe,
but you're never gonna be
a better dad than me,
no matter how hard
you fucking try.
Hey, hey.
[Tom clapping]
I mean, bravo.
Fucking sad, but bravo.
I'm-- I'm...
I'm-- I'm sorry.
[board clatters]
[Tom] See you later, Patty Melt.
It was fun while it lasted.
I think, uh, someone needs
to see Dr. Zuckerman.
[Sophie] Excuse me.
[groaning]
-Sorry. Excuse me.
-[Sam groans]
[door opens, shuts]
[Pat sniffles]
[Sophie] Hey!
What the hell was that about?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, uh,
that wasn't uh...
I don't know why I said
all that stuff.
He didn't--
he didn't do anything.
I'm uh, not doing well
right now, like today.
I mean, I actually haven't
been doing well
for a while now,
but it-- it doesn't matter.
You can-- you can go back in,
all right?
This is my problem, all right?
Seriously, Sophie,
you can go back in, all right?
You don't have to worry about
me anymore.
For real, just go back in.
I mean, you're doing well.
You're doing really great.
You got a lot going
for yourself, you know?
And I-- I got nothing,
but that's fine,
because you're happy,
and I'm-- I'm--
I'm happy for you, genuinely.
'Cause you're not unhappy
anymore,
like those last couple of years
with me,
and I know that was my fault.
[sighs]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
I shouldn't be telling you this,
but uh...
[takes deep breath]
I feel like this is it for me.
You know? Like I'm gonna be this
sad, lonely sack of shit
for the rest of my life.
I mean, no one's gonna wanna...
[sniffles]
Nobody's gonna wanna date me.
Who's gonna wanna date this?
Nobody.
And I lied.
I lied.
I haven't been seeing anybody.
That woman in there earlier,
she was a hook-- uh,
sex worker, and uh...
[scoffs]
I just got abducted by her boss,
because my dog ate her money.
That really happened.
They left me at the ATM.
I ran all the way back here
and I've not run that hard,
that fast, since like
fucking middle school.
Now my body...
[pants]
It really hates me.
[sniffles] It's just that uh,
...this is all I have.
You know, coaching my little
boy in there.
I felt like I had something,
you know, for like a second.
Like I was cool, you know?
I was a cool dad.
And I just fucked it all up,
oh, like I fuck everything up.
Sorry, um,
don't mean to intrude,
but can I talk
to you for a second?
What's up?
It's just,
we have a slight problem.
I... [scoffs]
Would you mind coming back in?
I-- I don't know what to do.
Um, yeah, sure, yeah.
[Jeff] Thanks.
Don't go anywhere, okay.
I just, I can't.
Boys, Jeff is a wonderful man.
He will make a terrific coach
for now.
I don't wanna play
with this guy.
He doesn't know anything
about the game.
And I'm not playing if Justin's
not playing.
Yeah, same. Justin's the best
guy on the team.
Why can't Coach P just coach?
Well, Justin,
because he's unwell.
He said he was fine.
[Aaron]
Okay, if nobody wants to play,
we gotta call a forfeit,
which is totally fine with me.
I get paid either way,
but we gotta make a decision,
like right now.
-How old are you?
-Old enough.
[Tom] Hey, hi.
Can we maybe get this started,
for the love of God?
Just one second.
Where are you going?
Where is she going?
[engine running]
Pat!
Hey, stop!
[tires screech]
What did you just do to my car?
It's a Clementine. Relax.
Look, they wanna forfeit, okay?
The kids wanna forfeit.
What are you talking about?
They-- they refuse to play
unless you coach them.
Okay, well, that's really sweet,
but the damage is done, alright?
It's time for me to go take
a shower or something.
[Sophie]
You didn't do any damage, Pat.
People break.
Okay, there's nothing wrong...
[exhaling]
Look, I-- I-- I'm sorry
that this has been
a hard time for you.
I-- it-- it's been
a lot of change.
I get it.
Zach wants you to coach.
What about the parents?
I'll handle them.
Just pull yourself together
and finish this game.
[exhales]
[door shuts]
[background chatter]
Coach P is back.
Sophie, what's going on?
-Pat's gonna finish the game.
-[Mary] Oh--
-That's what's going on.
-[Mary] Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
absolutely not!
Mary, would you rather us
forfeit?
-Is that what you want?
-Yes.
Yes, I think that's best.
I will be speaking with the
athletic association
later on today, which will
result in his termination,
at which time I will lead
the charge in finding
a replacement,
because I will not allow an
unfit man to coach our children.
-Mary, shut up!
-[gasping]
Just shut up.
[gasps] Sophie.
He's not unfit to coach.
Just give him a fucking break.
He wants to coach.
The kids clearly want him to,
so let him.
Does everyone wanna play?
[players] Yes!
Let him coach.
[chanting]
Let him coach.
Let him coach!
Let him coach!
Let him coach!
Let him coach!
Let him coach!
-[Tom] Hey!
-[player] Let him coach!
Put your balls back
in your pants--
And let's wrap up this orgy
fest and play
some fucking basketball!
Fine.
Come on, let's go, Will.
-We're leaving.
-I don't wanna go.
Will, let's go.
-No.
-Will!
Mary, stop.
You're so embarrassing.
[exhales]
I promise you, this is the last
game you'll ever coach.
You're a terrible, oh,
fucking person!
[pants]
[Aaron] Bruh.
All right, we good?
-Everybody good?
-[players] Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Can we play? Great, sweet.
Sophie?
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Uh, hey, um, can I get uh,
30 seconds?
Bro, I got a date in literally
less than an hour.
I got a real shot at getting
laid here, man.
Okay, just 30 seconds.
What up, fellas?
-Hello. What's up, Coach P?
-Sorry that happened.
Yeah, sorry about my mom.
She's a fucking lunatic.
Yeah, yeah, she kinda is,
isn't she?
All right, let's--
let's bring it in, huh?
[clearing throat]
Okay, uh...
Uh, all right, uh,
here's the deal,
everybody's watching this game
right now, saying,
"Oh, this shit's over with.
These guys don't stand
a chance."
But I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.
See, right now might be the most
freedom you're ever gonna have,
because when you're down
by this much,
you got nothing to lose.
When you're down a-- and nobody
expects a damn thing from you,
oh, fellas, you can really
surprise some people.
So let's walk out there
with some swag and take
this damn game back.
-What do you say?
-[players] Yeah!
[Pat] All right, hands in the
middle.
[Justin] Let's go.
You got one half to sprint
everywhere you go.
You dive for that ball.
You set your feet in stone
when you set a pick.
You take charge.
They are not ready
for that energy.
Let's go, Knights on three:
1, 2, 3!
[together] Knights!
I feel so stupid. [sobbing]
Oh no, honey,
you are not stupid.
You are a strong, independent,
beautiful woman,
and men like him, misogynistic,
narcissistic,
frickin' scumbag asshole's,
they're scared of you.
They're intimidated by you,
but I'm not.
I love that about you.
I just, I-- I just want the
best for him.
[sniffling]
I try to be a good mother.
He's just embarrassed by me.
[sobbing]
I wanna go.
I wanna leave.
I don't wanna be here anymore.
If we leave, he wins.
We don't want that, do we?
No, no, no, you're right.
You're right. [sobs]
[take deep breaths]
There we go.
You're the only one
who understands me, Marky.
[sobs]
I know.
And don't worry, after the
game,
I'll burn
his frickin' house down.
[whistles]
[upbeat music playing]
[Pat] Get on him, Will.
Come on, Justin, stay on him.
Good, there you go.
There you go.
Will's open.
Yeah, Will's open!
[cheering]
All right, there we are.
That's what I'm talking about.
[indistinct shouting]
[Tom] Okay. Good on you.
All right, come on!
-[Pat] Come on.
-[Tom] Nice.
[crowd cheering]
That is my son.
That's my son.
Slow it down, slow it down.
Slow it down now. Come on now.
Like we practiced, now, come on!
[Tom] Why did you move, asshole?
[Sophie] Come on, buddy.
-[Pat] Come on, come on.
-Let's go!
[clapping]
That's what I'm talking about.
[indistinct speech]
-Oh.
-Good steal.
[Tom] Pick it up, go, go.
Oh, God.
Yes, yes!
Now we're cooking with sauce.
Now we're cooking with sauce!
[crowd cheering]
Oh, Justin.
Yes!
[Pat] Oh, bro.
What the hell?
[Aaron] No squad, bullshit.
[Tom] Get on him.
Throw it down, fellas.
Get on him, hey!
Yes, Jimmy!
Oh, there it is!
Come on, Liam.
Get the ball away from him.
-[Pat] There you go.
-[Tom] The little kid has it.
[Pat] Come on, Sam.
[crowd cheering]
Oh, come on!
That's good.
Good hustle, good hustle.
You know you're supposed to get
the ball in the basket, right?
[Pat] There you go, good job.
Good job, Justin.
[crowd cheering]
[Tom] Yeah. Get on it, Liam.
Yes! Eat shit!
What is going on, guys?
[Pat] Huddle up
[indistinct speech].
[Tom] Damn it!
Yeah!
Do you want me to put him back,
son?
'Cause I'll put him back in.
[crowd cheering]
What is happening right now?
Hey, Patty, shut up.
Yeah, there you go, Zach.
There you go.
CJ, go. Come on, now.
-[Tom] Get on it.
-[Pat] There it is. Make it, CJ.
[crowd cheering]
Liam, what the fuck?
[Pat] Fellas, careful.
Yeah, yeah!
Come on, Justin.
That's our VIP.
[crowd cheering]
Time-out, time-out.
Bring it in. Bring it in!
Hey, looks like daddy's mad,
bitch.
-[Liam] What'd you say?
-You heard me.
What'd you just say, dickhead?
Oh, your breath smells
like shit.
-Oh!
-[thud]
-[gasp]
-Hey, William!
You're fucking dead.
I'm gonna kill you.
[crowd shouting]
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
[Will] You bitch!
Patty Melt, control your kids,
man.
This is not an MMA fight.
Your guys have been doing this
to us the whole goddamn game.
Oh, some energy out of you, huh?
-Finally.
-[Mary] Oh my God.
Oh God, you're bleeding.
You're bleeding.
He's bleeding, honey.
[woman 4] Mary!
Your son is an animal.
Your son's the animal.
He started it.
Your son could have just killed
my son.
He should be put in juvenile
detention for this.
You should be in juvenile
detention for trying to deduct
your hair plugs, Barry!
You stay out of this, Mark.
Shouldn't you be doing my taxes
right now?
Yeah, go frig, go frig yourself,
you mother-frigger!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Go back to your fucking seats!
Eat my beef stick!
All right, oh,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
-[Pat] You guys, just--
-Wow.
Sit down, all right?
Just sit down.
It's gonna be okay,
I got a Band-Aid.
I'm gonna give it to him.
He's a big boy.
It's okay.
All right.
You guys are looking
so good out there.
You're looking really good
out there.
You're turning
this thing around.
We keep this up, we might
actually have a chance
of winning this thing.
Shape it up!
Shape it up out there,
'cause all I'm seeing right now
is a lot of weakness.
If I see any more weakness,
I swear to God,
I will have an Amber Alert out
on all of you
by the end of this game.
Now, get up and get out there
and start making
some frigging shots.
Now!
You, what's wrong with you?
You look like shit out there.
My stomach hurts.
How much creatine did you take?
10 grams.
Jesus Christ.
Anybody have a um, a Pepto
or a-- or a--
a Alka-Seltzer or something?
[sighs]
Do you think some college scout
is gonna give a shit
about a little bellyache?
They're not!
Mental toughness.
Mental toughness.
Get the fuck out there.
[soft music playing]
Sorry, Coach P.
Ah, it's okay, buddy.
You're not the only guilty
party out there.
Now I know never to mess
with you, jeez.
[chuckle]
[munches]
Wooh! [laughing]
Liam, where's your pretty dress?
[Pat] All right,
here you go, Will.
[crowd cheering]
If you get a chance,
you can hit Will.
[cheering]
[Pat] Come on, kiddo.
There you go.
There it is.
[Tom] Get him!
I fucking hate that kid.
Yeah!
[crowd cheering]
Liam, you suck.
[crowd cheering]
-[Pat] Yeah!
-[CJ] Yeah!
[Pat] Go, CJ.
Liam,
you're embarrassing yourself,
and more important,
you're embarrassing me.
Here, here.
Give me the ball.
[Pat] All right, stay with him.
Stay with him.
Stay on him. Stay on him.
Stay on him.
[whistle blows]
Time. Time-out.
[Tom] Liam!
The fuck?
Son, that was pathetic.
How does that even happen?
You are blowing this game, okay?
You have no mental toughness
whatsoever.
No mental toughness!
Well, don't just stand there,
get over here.
Get over here.
Where are you going?
Oh. [grunts]
-Okay.
-[Will] Pussy. [laughing]
All right, all right,
we're down by one, right?
That's it. 15 seconds, just need
one more bucket, so here's
-what we're gonna do.
-[Will] All right.
Zach, you inbound to CJ.
Jimmy, you set up
at the left elbow.
CJ, get the ball to him,
flash to the basket,
yell for the ball.
Justin, you set up
at the opposite elbow,
and then Jimmy,
you're gonna ball fake hard
to CJ, but get it to Justin.
Justin's gonna take
our last shot.
All right?
Just one more.
Knights on three:
1, 2, 3.
[together] Knights!
[whistle blows]
[Pat] There we are.
There we go, there we go,
there we go!
Come on now, guys.
-[Pat] Watch the ball, fellas.
-Ball, ball, ball, ball!
[Pat] Come on, man,
five seconds.
Somebody put it up there.
Let's go!
[Tom] What the fuck is wrong
with you people?
Get on him!
Shoot it!
Holy fuck!
[cheering]
Oh God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
[cheering]
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Let's just put AMBER Alerts
out on all of you.
[Pat] That actually happened.
Get over here.
So proud of you.
Incredible shot.
-[players] MVP.
-[Pat] Incredible shot.
[players] MVP! MVP!
-[cheering]
-[players] MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!
[laughs]
[players] MVP!
[muffled speech]
-[grunts]
-[Justin] Oh shit!
Who's the winner now,
motherfucker?
Dad!
What the fuck?
Ah, is your head made
out of rock?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
He's faking. He's fine.
He's being a little pussy.
Patty the Pussy,
that was the other nickname
I had for him in high school.
Oh!
Oh, oh, you got the head, too.
[slow music playing]
[groans]
[animal sounds]
[]
[Tom] Oh, care-- ah, ah, ah, oh,
my nuts.
My fucking nuts!
Oh my God,
my happy sack,
it's damaged beyond repair.
Liam, you're probably gonna be
my only child
and I did want a second one,
one that wins.
You think you're gonna press
charges, Coach P?
No, no, I'd say he already got
what he deserved.
[Justin] It was so sick.
Yeah, you obliterated his penis.
Yeah, nice shot.
That was awsome.
Thanks, guys.
All right, fellas, thanks for
sticking around,
but go home,
get some rest.
I'll see you at practice
on Tuesday, right?
-[Will] Mm-hmm.
-Good game.
[Justin] Thank you, Coach P.
Hope you get better.
-Thanks, Coach.
-[Pat] All right, see you.
-Bye, Coach P.
-That's all right, man.
-Go. See you.
-[CJ] Yeah.
Pat?
-[Pat] Hmm?
-[Sophie] Hmm?
I did a little reflecting,
and I decided that I will not
be reporting you to
the Athletic Association.
Okay.
But if it's all right with you,
I will be attending practice
on Tuesday.
Be my guest.
Hey, can I just have a second?
Sure.
Let's go, Zach.
[chuckles]
How's your nose?
It's-- it's fine.
You might wanna get that
checked out.
It could be broken.
Okay, well, if it was broken,
could I do this?
[snorts]
Oh, goddamn it.
[snorts]
Mine's better, and you don't
have to move your nose.
[exhales]
That's why I fell in love
with you.
[laughs]
What a fucking asshole.
Why-- why are people
such assholes?
I don't know.
I don't know.
You know, I-- I wanna thank you
for having my back today.
I really appreciate it.
You're welcome.
Um, I remember when Zach picked
out that shirt
for you for your 40th.
Oh, yeah, yeah, me too.
[chuckles]
I know that there's nothing
that I can really say to make
you feel better about things,
um, but I've--
I've always thought--
I-- I-- I still think that
you're a really great dad
and Zach, you know Zach thinks
that, too, right?
[exhales]
Uh, thanks.
Well, it seems like
you might need a reminder.
[chuckles]
Uh, we should probably get out
of this fucking gym, yeah?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[zips bag]
-[Sophie] Hey. Yeah.
-Ready to go?
Hey, Jeff, can I have
a quick sec?
I am so sorry about that stuff
I said.
That wasn't, uh--
I didn't mean--
You know, Pat,
it's quite all right.
No need to apologize.
Make sure to ice it
when you get home.
That was a fun match.
-[chuckles]
-[kids laugh]
[Sophie] Zach, bye!
-[Jeff] Bye, Zachy.
-[Sophie] We'll see you Tuesday.
-[Sophie] I love you.
-[Jeff] See you.
-See you at school.
-Bye, see you.
[Ella] Bye.
[Pat] Who was that?
-Just a girl from school.
-Yeah, what'd she say?
What are you so smiley for?
She called me a "short king".
Short king, like Napoleon?
What's she mean like
a short king?
[Zach] It's a compliment.
[Pat grunts]
But why not just a king?
Like uh, why can't you just
be a king?
[Zach] I don't know.
Can we get lunch?
Yeah, sure.
[upbeat music playing]
[Zach]
Who are we playing next week?
[Pat] Oh, God.
We're all just the same as
the suits we blame
We're all just the same as
the suits we shame
We're all just the same
I like uh, you know,
seeing different people,
trying out different...
[sighs]
fish in the sea.
Maybe less ass and fuck
during the game, yeah?
I don't care if he's on lunch
right now, our coach is drunk!
Hello?
It's all right, ref.
He lost his watch fisting
his own asshole. [laughs]
Zach, well done.
You look like
a young Michael Jackson.
Go frig, frig yourself! Frigger.
[Pat] Okay, I can buy you dinner
if you want.
-[sighs] Good, good.
-[Pat] Whatever you want.
I don't like chicken,
but everything else is fine.
[Chester] And all you wanted was
your back tickled.
It's kind of fucking sad
actually.
I mean, it probably would've
been cheaper if you'd just
gone to your mom's house.
-[Zach] It's not even funny.
-It is, though. Look at you.
You have the exact same face
and the haircut as--
as Justin Bieber.
No, I-- I do not look like
Justin.
Yes, you do.
We're all just the same as
the suits we blame
We're all just the same
as the suits we shame
We're all just the same
The whip cracks in your ear,
but you choose to stay
Right here
We're all just the same
as the suits we blame
We're all just the same as
the suits we shame
We're all just the same as
the suits we blame
We're all just the same as
the suits we shame
We're all just the same
[upbeat music playing]
Catch me riding through
your city with the high beams
Uh, tank is low,
but that won't stop me
Stop me
I'll be here for you only
if they don't stop me
Stop me
Red light running, man
Tires screeching up the block
like it was hobby, uh
Body drops, the soul sliding
Hit the gas and hope the
lights don't try to stop these
Red dots gunning me
Runner up fast on the dash,
feeling last, it's rolling
Singing the blues,
what's the news?
Somebody, body drop
Oh, what's the word
in a blur?
Fuck what you heard,
I'm word
I'm serving the world
with the remedy, the drug
Code switching,
get it how we living
Bet you motherfuckers
feel it
Sandwich bags ripped
up on the floor, uh
Caddy backseat, her boots
was hanging out the window
And indoor smoking
while she get low
Jumping out the back just to
catch the stain
I can tell by the mental,
pop a pill like a Mento
Riding through the city
with the high beams on
Find me playing hide and seek
with the cops
Cop another bag, double up
the front the block
Weight heavy
on the shoulder
Thinking about
all of the losses
Fuck it, give me
what you got