Goodbye, Columbus (1969) Movie Script

Mrs. Elliot Tollger,
Mrs. Elliot Tollger, telephone.
Wilma Kay, Wilma Kay,
to the front desk, please.
Wilma Kay, Wilma Kay,
front desk, please.
- Would you hold my glasses?
- What?
- Would you mind holding my glasses?
- Sure.
- I told you not to put my glasses on.
- No, I don't care.
- Didn't I buy you your own?
- I don't like them!
- These are big for you.
- I don't like them!
Come on, I'm gonna tell your father.
Come on, Brenda, let's go.
We're late.
Miss Robin Kellish, Miss Robin
Kellish, to the first tee, please.
Hey, hey, you forgot your glasses.
Brenda, come on.
I'm coming.
Mrs. Sidney Cohen,
Mrs. Sidney Cohen, telephone.
Hey, Doris, do you know her?
- Why?
- Doris, I give you my word,
I won't embarrass you, I promise.
If you call her up, so help me,
I will never ask you here again.
So help me. Never again!
- Hi, sweetie.
- The playboy from the country club.
- Oh, delicious, delicious.
- Don't put the towel on the furniture.
- Where's the phone book?
- Which one?
- The suburban phone book.
- Under the leg of the sideboard.
- Who are you calling?
- A girl I met today.
Oh, Doris introduced you?
She wouldn't introduce me
to the man who drains the pool.
Very nice, how you talk about
a cousin. Oh, look what time it is.
Your Uncle Max will be home soon,
and I didn't even feed you yet.
Aunt Gladys, why don't we
eat together for once.
Sure, I should serve
four different meals.
You eat Jewish pot roast,
Susan with the cottage cheese,
Uncle Max has steak. Friday night is
his steak night. I wouldn't deny him.
And all I'm having
is a little cold chicken.
So I should jump up and down,
up and down, up and down?
What am I, a workhorse?
This may come as a big surprise,
but in some families,
everybody sits down at the
same time and eats the same thing.
Big shot. Twenty years,
I'm running this house.
Is Brenda there?
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Is Brenda there?
- Supper's ready.
- Coming.
When do you expect her in?
No, this is nobody.
- It's getting cold.
- In a moment. Come on.
There's no message. No, I'm sorry.
Come, sweetheart, eat.
Make sure you do that. Keep it
straight. This has got to be straight.
- Hello.
- Hi, honey.
- I thought you were driving golf balls.
- I drove them already.
OK? There you go.
Good girl. Now try it on your own.
- Thought you were driving golf balls.
- Already did.
- Having dinner with us?
- I'll eat later.
I'm meeting Simp for tennis.
Is that my phone or your phone
or Ron's phone?
- It's your phone.
- They all sound alike to me.
Who's calling please?
Just a minute. Brenda.
- You know anybody named Klugman?
- Klugman?
Unless I didn't understand him right.
- Hello?
- Carlotta!
You don't know me.
That is, you don't know my name.
I held your glasses for you
at the club today. I'm not a member.
You asked me to. My cousin
Doris is. Doris Klugman?
- Doris?
- She always reads War and Peace.
That's how we know it's summer,
Doris reads War and Peace.
- What did you say your name is?
- Neil Klugman.
You asked me to hold
your glasses at the board, remember?
- What do you look like?
- Well, I'm kind of dark.
- Are you a Negro?
- No, I'm a Sagittarian.
- See how you like it.
- I'll do it.
What do you look like?
Listen, can I pick you up tonight
and show you?
- I'm playing tennis tonight.
- How about after tennis?
- I'll be sweaty after.
- I don't mind.
- Can I come see you tonight?
- OK.
Briarpath Hills. You know
where that is? Around 8:15.
I'll be driving a blue convertible so
you'll know me. How will I know you?
I'll be sweating.
- Come home early.
- Where are you going?
- Out.
- Don't forget to lock the door.
- Where are you going?
- Never.
- Have a candy.
- Always running.
- Where is he going?
- Don't forget to lock the door.
Don't stay out late.
Where is he going?
- He's always running.
- Where is he going?
- Game, 5-4.
- Brenda, Brenda!
Neil? I want one more game.
I'll be there in a minute.
Not necessarily. My serve.
- It hit the line.
- No, it didn't. It's out.
- You're absolutely wrong.
- Do you mind?
All right, go on, go on.
My game.
Come on, Simp, get going.
My ad.
Game. I won.
- Neil?
- Hi, hello.
- Oh, this is Simp. Neil Klugman.
- Hi. Hi. Great game, great game.
- Can we drop you off somewhere?
- No.
I'm perfectly capable
of finding my own way.
- Who's Miss Nice?
- Miss Laura Simpson Sokolov.
- Otherwise known as "Simp".
- Why not "Socko"?
Because Simp
is her Bennington name.
- Is that where you go to school?
- No, she does.
- Where do you go to school?
- Boston.
- University?
- Radcliffe.
- What does cousin Doris look like?
- Doris is dark, and she's...
- Is she a Negro?
- We don't know.
I guess I don't know her.
Is she a new member?
I guess so. They just moved to West...
They just moved to Westchester
a couple of years ago.
Hey, you remember me
holding your glasses now?
Yeah, I think I do.
- Do you live in Westchester too?
- The Bronx.
- We lived there when I was a baby.
- Say, listen. Wait.
How come you rush the net
only when it's dark?
Oh, you noticed that?
Simp the Simpleton doesn't.
I couldn't figure that out.
I don't want to be close
unless I'm sure she can't return it.
- Why?
- Because I'm afraid of my nose.
- What?
- I had it fixed.
- Yeah? What was the matter with it?
- It was bumpy.
- A lot?
- No.
I was pretty, and now I'm prettier.
My brother's having his fixed in the fall.
Does he want to be prettier?
Sorry, sorry. I don't mean to sound
facetious, but why's he doing it?
Because he wants to.
Unless he decides to become
a gym teacher, but he won't.
We all look like my father.
Does your father wanna have
his nose fixed too?
- Why are you being so nasty?
- I'm not nasty. My goodness.
I'm suave and sophisticated.
Do I sound nasty?
Now, about your nose,
what does it cost to get it fixed?
A thousand dollars, unless you
go to a butcher. Why?
Well, I have to see if you got
your money's worth.
If I let you kiss me,
would you stop being so nasty?
- I don't always do that.
- Why'd you do it now?
I felt like it.
Feel like it again?
Is that the end of our date?
I don't feel like having a date tonight.
There's my house.
- Come to the club tomorrow.
- I'm not a member.
Be my guest.
- What time?
- Two o'clock.
Mrs. Jerome Lorry,
Mrs. Jerome Lorry, telephone.
Doris, do you know that's
coming out in a comic-book form?
- What are you doing here?
- I'm visiting.
- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- Oh, I am.
You were crazy before,
but you were never pushy.
That's my new career.
I'm gonna be a social climber.
Elliot Tollger, Elliot Tollger, telephone.
- Hi, come on in.
- Hello. Give me your glasses.
I should break
the damn things. I hate them.
I should've worn
my contact lenses anyway.
You could have your eyes fixed.
- Are you gonna start that again?
- I already did.
Hey, Doris, hold this
for Brenda, will you?
I'm not her slave.
Doris, I've wanted to tell you
something for a long time now.
You're a pain in the ass.
Well, that's very nice. Thank you.
After I invite you to the club.
That was yesterday.
Well, what about last year?
- Is that Doris?
- Yeah, she's peeling.
- Yeah, I noticed.
- She's gonna have her skin fixed.
- No, don't do it. Don't, don't...
- I've got something unbelievable.
Doris always invites me here
once a year
so my parents can't complain
her parents don't look after me.
You mean, you don't live
with your parents?
They moved to Arizona.
Arizona? I didn't think anybody
lived there. I mean, any Jewish people.
Only cowboys?
Yeah, and people with asthma.
Which is why they moved there.
To be cowboys with asthma.
You're so stupid.
- That's terrific.
- Why?
I don't know. I guess it
gives them a lot in common.
Only their asthma.
Which is more than most
married couples seem to have.
Why does it seem to bother you?
- What?
- The subject of marriage.
You really notice things.
You planning to get married
to somebody in particular? Seriously?
Well, I was engaged for a year,
until last week.
What happened?
- Hi, Bren.
- What are you so happy about?
The Red Sox took two.
We having Carl Yastrzemski
for dinner?
Of course.
Every time the Red Sox win, we have
to set an extra place for Yastrzemski.
- Hey, you want to race?
- No.
Why don't you go race alone.
- Do you want to go with him?
- No, thanks.
This is Neil Klugman,
my brother, Ronald Patimkin.
- How are you?
- Hi.
- You better watch that.
- Yeah.
- Watch that.
- How are you?
- You wanna race?
- Not right now, thanks.
Race him. I have to call home
and say you're coming for supper.
Am I? I've gotta call my aunt.
You didn't say anything about...
- I mean, my clothes.
- We dine au naturel.
- What?
- Swim, my dear.
Julie, elbows off the table.
And eat. Eat your dinner. Millions of
children are starving all over the world.
- When's Harriette calling?
- Five o'clock.
- It was 5:00.
- Their time.
Why is it earlier in Columbus?
Suppose you took the plane
back and forth all day.
You'd never get older.
- Oh, that's right, sweetie.
- Why do you give her misinformation?
- Is that why she goes to school?
- I haven't the slightest idea.
You know, you're a big
college girl now.
Carlotta, Ronald wants more!
- More what?
- More chicken.
- Me too, Carlotta.
- They'll have to roll you on the links.
What are you talking about?
Look, I lost a couple pounds.
- Dad, look at this.
- Ronald.
- Would you care to bare your middle?
- No, thank you.
Well, I'm glad that somebody
is aware of how to behave at the table.
- Thank you.
- Chicken?
- Oh, no, thank you.
- He eats like a bird.
Come on, Carlotta.
I'm playing ball tonight.
- Don't forget, tape your wrists.
- All right, but I got no mobility...
Just wear an Ace bandage
and put heat on.
Not an important game.
I want you good for the championship.
Last year you didn't listen,
same thing happened.
- Where do you live, Bill?
- Neil.
- Didn't I say, "Neil"?
- You said, "Where do you live, Bill?"
I hate tape. How the hell
can I play in tape?
- Don't curse!
- That's right.
- See?
- See what?
- Oh, I was just talking to Bill.
- Neil.
Just eat already.
- A little less talking, young lady.
- I didn't say anything.
- She was talking to me, sweetie.
- What is this "she" business?
That's how you call
your mother today? She? She?
If I called my mother "she",
my father would give me a clop.
- I got chicken caught in my braces.
- Eat your dinner. We'll clean it later.
Do you go to college?
I went into college
before I went into the Army.
- Oh, what did you study?
- I was an English major.
- English?
- Literature.
- Kind of unusual, isn't it? For a boy?
- Well, he wants to be a teacher.
No, no, no, not necessarily.
Carlotta, please, I'm gonna be late.
It's Harriette! Harriette's
on the phone! Harriette!
Carlotta? Is the bicarbonate
still in the downstairs toilet?
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, those damn radishes.
Why don't we have coffee
and dessert outside.
- Carlotta!
- Yes.
- Bring the chocolate cake outside.
- OK.
It was a wonderful dinner.
Hold on, I can't breathe.
I can't make it.
Go, run. Grab it.
Don't stand too far, now.
Almost, almost.
- Straighten up.
- Well...
- Good girl.
- What kind of work do you do?
I'm working
at the library at the moment.
The public library?
I've been there for about a year now,
ever since I got out of the Army.
Oh, well, it must be very interesting,
the library business.
I don't know. Yeah, I guess so.
No, not very.
Can somebody please move the car
blocking the convertible? I'm late.
- Is that me?
- I don't know.
I'm blocking the convertible.
No, I'm blocking the convertible,
you're blocking me.
- Chocolate.
- Yummy.
- You don't say "thank you" anymore?
- Thank you.
You little doll.
Where did she meet him?
Who knows? At the club.
He eats like a bird.
Come on, let's play.
That's probably why I did it.
- Wanna play? Daddy's tired.
- Yeah, take over for me, will you?
Go ahead, go ahead.
I haven't touched a basketball
since I got out of high school.
Be good to your daddy,
he's getting old.
- No, it's not true.
- Hi, beautiful.
Daddy, I missed.
Can I take it over again?
Certainly. You want to take it
over again, take it over.
- I don't let guests win.
- I see.
- Can I take that over again?
- No.
- Daddy?
- Forget it.
What does your friend do
in the library?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Is that the kind of work
he wants to do?
- I won, Daddy!
- Good girl.
I won, I won, I won!
I beat him, Daddy!
- Why'd you let her win?
- I didn't, she beat me.
Come on, even Ron lets her win,
and he's a semipro.
- That's my baby.
- It's time to go brush your teeth.
- Ten more minutes.
- It's late.
- Oh, ten more minutes, please.
- It's late. You know what time it is?
- So? She'll sleep ten minutes later.
- Oh, Ben.
My tsatskeleh, right?
Wanna take a drive
or go to the movies? What?
Oh, I don't know.
- Brush your teeth and be good.
- OK.
Leave her alone.
She'll get tired of him.
Klugman? Klugman,
can I talk to you a minute?
Would you take
the main information desk?
Ericson called. His mom's
not well, he can't come in.
There's always something. Always.
Hi, sweetie. How are you?
Hey, mister, where's the art section?
- The what?
- Art section.
- Spell it.
- A-R-T.
Art. You mean art.
You mean art books, reproductions.
- Yeah, them.
- We got them in a lot of places.
- Which artist are you interested in?
- All of them.
OK, I'll tell you what you do.
Walk all the way across the floor there.
- You see that staircase over there?
- Yeah.
Now, you take that staircase
up one flight,
and you follow the arrow
to where it says "stack three".
Can you remember that?
Stack three?
Someone up there
will show you the way.
Go ahead, it's all right. Go ahead.
- What'd you let him in for?
- It's a public library.
You know where I found him?
In the stacks looking at the nudes.
He was hiding there all morning.
- Did you throw him out?
- Of course I threw him out.
- You know what those boys do there?
- John, I don't think they do it there.
They do so, I've seen them.
Not out in the open, of course,
- but you can tell what they're doing.
- Why don't you let him alone.
I'm gonna see Mr. Scapello and
tell him to send somebody to get him.
John... Gloria, Gloria, watch
the desk a minute, will you? John?
John, John.
You want to give Mr. Scapello an ulcer
after his egg-and-pepper sandwich?
- I'll get him. I gotta go there anyway.
- It's disgusting, what they do up here.
Don't worry about it.
They're the ones who are gonna get
warts all over their dirty little hands.
Hey, mister, where's this place?
That's Tahiti.
It's an island in the Pacific Ocean.
That ain't no place you
could go, is it? Like a resort?
You could go there, I suppose.
It's very far. People live there.
Look at this one.
Man, ain't that the life.
Who took these pictures?
No, he didn't take them.
He painted them.
Paul Gauguin. He was a Frenchman.
Is he a white man or a colored man?
He's white.
Oh, I knew that.
Hey, look at this one.
Man, ain't that the life?
Yeah, it sure is.
There he is. Hey.
- Hurry or we'll miss our plane.
- OK.
You're gonna sit with Julie
because Carlotta's off.
What do you mean?
We're taking Ron to the airport.
Julie doesn't wanna come.
We'll be right back.
In a minute.
Hey, do I get all the cake
and milk I want?
Close the door.
There's air conditioning.
I'm glad you've decided
you're gonna stay with me.
- So am I.
- Wanna play five-and-two?
- No.
- Why not?
- Wanna read a book report I wrote?
- No, not now.
- What do you want to do?
- Why must we do anything?
- Why don't you go watch television.
- All right.
You better wash that,
or you'll get diarrhea.
They're not washed yet.
- Where's Ron going?
- Columbus.
- What for?
- To see Harriette. They're in love.
- What did you do with the cherries?
- What cherries?
You put them in your pocket.
- Wanna play Ping-Pong?
- Can I serve?
Yeah, when it's your turn to.
Can I take that one over?
I hurt my finger yesterday!
No, no, come on.
Give me the ball. Come on, come on!
Oh, can? Oh, please, my shoelace
came untied. Can I take that one?
Certainly not. Let's go, let's go!
You leaned over the table!
That's not legal!
- Three-nothing. It's my serve!
- You're a cheater! I hate you!
I'm gonna tell everybody
you were stealing fruit!
- You wanna take this book out?
- What?
Oh, I'm sorry, there's a hold
on this book of Gauguin...
- What?
- There's...
Somebody called us and asked us
to hold this book for them.
You put your name and address
on this card,
and when the book is free,
I'll send you a notice.
- What?
- Quiet!
- I'll send you a notice!
- Any problem?
You're going on a vacation
tomorrow, aren't you?
- Yes.
- Well, you need it.
Natasha, Natasha, watch the desk
a second, will you? I'll be right back.
- Listen, you want this book?
- I haven't done anything wrong.
I haven't written in a book or nothing.
You could search me.
I know you haven't done anything
wrong. Come on down here.
Come here.
Now if you like the book so much,
why not take it home.
- Do you have a library card?
- No, sir.
- I haven't done anything wrong.
- No, no.
We give you a library card
so you can take books home.
You wouldn't have to come
every day.
You could take the book
right home with you.
Why don't you want me
around here?
- I didn't say I didn't want you here.
- I like it here.
I know, but the trouble is, someday,
somebody's gonna wanna take
this book out of here sometime.
Aren't you worried about that?
Why should I be worried?
Nobody done it yet.
And he comes in every day
in the morning.
Every day, and he always takes out
the same book.
And he just sits there in the corner on
the floor looking at the same pictures.
- I'm absolutely stuffed.
- You eat like a bird.
- Neil, what does your father do?
- For a living?
- My mother was wondering.
- He's a cat burglar.
- Seriously.
- Really, he's a cat burglar.
I don't know.
Tell her anything you want.
A merchant.
Tell her my father runs a store.
Why don't you live
with your parents in Arizona?
Because I'm supposed to be grown up,
and I can't pick up
and follow my parents
wherever they go.
Then why do you stay
with your aunt and uncle?
Do I really have to explain
to your mother why I live where I do?
It's not just my mother.
I wanted to know too.
Are you cold?
- No.
- Do you wanna go home?
Not unless you do.
Neil, what about the library?
Who wants to know about that?
- My father.
- And you?
And me.
I don't know. What about the library?
It's not my life's work,
but it's OK for now.
I sold shoes once.
When I got out of the Army I worked in
my Uncle Aaron's real-estate company
for a couple of months.
I liked the Army better than both of
those, and I like the library better too.
Answer your question?
I don't see why
it should make you angry.
I'm not angry.
How can I make you understand?
You wanna know what my plans are
for the future.
I'm not planning anything.
Besides, I'm not a planner.
I'm a liver.
I'm a pancreas.
The leaves have begun to turn
and redden on the trees.
Smoking fires line fraternity row...
That's just Ron
playing his Columbus record.
No kidding.
... has the loveliest girls in the country
because of the industry out there.
I'll drink to that. And...
Will you be happy if you break it?
Will you stop worrying
for two minutes?
Where is she at 1:00?
What do you want from her?
She's a college girl now, big girl.
She's not a baby anymore.
She only does it to aggravate me. She
meets a lot of boys from a nice family.
Would it kill her to bring one
home for a change?
How do you know
he's not from a nice family?
Why do you always stick up for her?
Whatever I say is wrong.
- She's always right.
- What did I say? All I said was,
- how do you know that he's not?
- Her against me. You always do that.
All right. Let her ruin her life.
Who cares what she winds up with?
It won't be on my conscience.
I'd like to know what you're starting up.
What are you starting up again for?
What do you want from her?
I tell you, keep it up,
she'll end up marrying a ditchdigger
for spite! You hear?
Turn off the set.
Will you turn off the set, please?
Good night.
Good night.
- Don't, Neil.
- Why not?
I could fall in love with you.
I don't want to.
- Don't I want to?
- Why could you fall in love with me?
- Well, I like the way you look.
- Is that all?
- I like your body.
- I like your mind.
- You don't like my body?
- No, no.
Then it's denied you.
- I don't want to make love now.
- Why?
I don't know. I just don't feel like it.
I just don't feel like it now.
The next time I feel like it.
- Brenda. Brenda.
- What?
Brenda, could I see you
for just a second, please?
Could I see you?
Come here, come here.
- Please come over here for a second.
- What's the matter?
Could you come over
to the car for a second?
- You come here.
- I can't.
Will you call me
when you get home?
- After my cold shower or just before?
- What?
Come here. Come over here.
It's not listed.
It's my private phone number.
Oh, Brenda.
- It's 242-9970.
- Brenda!
- Neil?
- Brenda, are you in bed?
- Yes. Are you?
- Yes.
I'm in bed with you.
And I'm in bed with you.
You know, I have the shades drawn,
so it's very dark and I can't see you.
I can't see you either.
That was so nice, kissing you, Neil.
I'm still kissing you.
Will you go to sleep kissing me?
I won't go to sleep at all.
Don't say goodbye.
I won't.
I love you, Neil.
What's he doing?
He's in the closet making a phone call.
That's what he's doing.
You really mind taking me
to this party, don't you?
A little.
I just thought you might like
to meet my friends.
- Great, fantastic!
- Thank you, Josh.
Do you know that I've read
every book?
- Scotch and water, please.
...since we got married.
Phi Ep, right?
What? Give me that drink, will you?
- ZBT.
- No.
- Sammy!
- No!
- Dartmouth, right?
- No, no, no!
I don't want to go.
I'm having a wonderful time.
We can leave any time you want to.
I don't wanna leave.
I don't wanna leave.
- Hey, hey. Hey! Excuse me. Phi Ep.
- Neil...
Wait a minute. This is very important.
I'll get it. Sammy.
- No.
- Just a second, just a second.
- Dartmouth!
- That's right.
How are you? You know who's here?
You'll never guess who...
In a million years, who's here.
Come here! Hey! Just a moment.
- This is very important.
- He's here. Dartmouth!
- Yeah?
- Dartmouth!
- Dartmouth!
- Hey! How are you?
- '66.
- '64!
What's the matter?
I'm having a wonderful time.
I don't wanna leave.
I came to make ten new friends.
Now, I've only made seven so far.
I'll introduce you.
- Hello, Brenda.
- Hello, Don.
- All right, who was that?
- Don Farber.
The boy I was engaged to.
He plays basketball with Ron.
One of the fabulous Farber brothers!
I didn't recognize him without his
little shorts and shoes
and those other four guys
that are always...
My mother and father adore him.
Well, that's reason enough
right there to break up with him.
Yeah, it was.
How about the fellow in the blue
blazer? Were you engaged to him too?
My boyfriend in the tenth grade.
- Really? The guy in white pants?
- My boyfriend in 11th grade.
- Didn't you go to summer school?
- Don't you have old girlfriends?
No, chew them up,
throw them away.
I keep mine.
Like a collection,
preserved and mummified.
- Thank you very much.
- What, are you mad?
- What is it, are you mad?
- What do you think?
They sound
like my father's generation.
Listen, you should be doing
half as well as most of them.
In what way? Making money?
That is nothing to be ashamed of.
It really kills you, doesn't it?
The kind of job I have?
You expect me to say I'm proud of it,
I want you to spend your life there?
- People do, you know.
- That's just fine
- if that's what you want.
- I don't know what I want.
I know what I don't wanna do.
Spend the rest of my life
grubbing for money
as if nothing else existed.
Like who?
Like my friends?
Are you implying that? Or my family?
Yeah, your family.
Your family and your friends.
What would you like to do?
Sleep in the park?
I don't know. Part of me.
Then just do it! Do something.
Don't just stand there and look down
your nose at everything.
Don't you think I know that?
I can't go all the way on either side.
They both seem so ridiculous to me.
Everything does.
I can't take anything seriously.
Make love to me.
You do love me, don't you?
I'll let you make love to me
whether you do or not,
so tell me the truth.
- Stay away from me, please.
- What?
Just stay away from me, OK?
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
- You do, don't you?
- What?
- Love me.
- No.
I want you to.
What about the kind of job I have?
No plans for the future, you know.
If you love me,
there won't be anything to worry about.
Well, then, of course I love you.
Let's take off all our clothes
and go swimming.
Are you crazy?
There's 100 people up there.
But that's what makes it fun.
Listen, you go in first,
and I'll close my eyes and wait for you.
And then when you come back,
you'll surprise me with the cold.
You really like games, don't you?
- Go ahead, I'll close my eyes.
- You go in.
- Will you close your eyes?
- No.
- Let's both go in. OK?
- I'd rather kiss you.
- No, I want to go swimming first.
- Go ahead. Go on, go on, go on.
- Ron's getting married!
- When?
Labor Day! He's marrying Harriette!
I'm gonna be a sister-in-law!
- You are?
- Hi. I'm gonna be a sister-in-law.
Yes, I heard that.
When did that happen?
This afternoon.
They talked long-distance
for half an hour,
and Harriette's gonna fly in next week
for an enormous wedding.
My parents are going crazy.
They've got to order flowers,
write out invitations and all that
and no time to do it.
The whole family is in an uproar.
Oh, and my father's
taking Ron into the business.
He's starting him at $200 a week, and
then he'll work his way up from there,
which will take him until October.
I thought he was gonna be
a gym teacher.
Not now. He has responsibilities.
Come on upstairs.
I'll take you to your room.
- I'd rather take you to your room.
- Maybe.
All night? Get up early and go back
to my room. Set the alarm.
- And wake up everybody?
- I'll wake myself up.
I can do that easy when I have to.
- Front. Front, please.
- Come on.
Oh, yes. This is very nice.
I like your room better. Where is it?
It's at the other end of the hall.
What happens if I can't wait?
Start without me!
Aunt Gladys,
leave me alone.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Hey, congratulations.
Been wanting to talk with you.
- Well, this is really something, huh?
- Yeah.
- Getting married.
- Yeah.
- So how does it feel?
- Better, thanks.
Farber smacked it under the boards,
but I'll be able to play
in the next game. Thanks.
- No, I meant getting married.
- Oh.
OK, I guess.
I don't really know.
I'm not married yet.
Hey, you know anything
about music?
Yes, a little.
You know I got all the Andre
Kostelanetz records ever made?
You like Mantovani?
I got all of him too.
I think semiclassicals
are really great.
And you can listen to my
Columbus record any time you'd like.
Company! At a time like this!
That's just what I need!
- For two weeks yet!
- I asked you, Mother.
You asked your father.
You should ask me. He doesn't
know what extra work this is for me.
You'd think we didn't have
Carlotta and Jenny!
Carlotta and Jenny
cannot do everything.
- This is not the Salvation Army!
- What the hell does that mean?
You watch your tongue, young lady.
That may be very well for your
college friends, but not in this house!
- Will you stop that!
- Don't you raise your voice to me.
When was the last time you helped
around here?
I'm not a slave, I'm a daughter.
You ought to learn
what it means to earn a living.
- Why?
- Why?
Do you really wanna know why?
Because all you think about
is how pretty you are.
Well, you are gonna find out the world
doesn't owe you a living!
What is that supposed to mean?
It means you should find out how to
earn money and buy your own clothes.
My father earns all the money
he needs.
- Oh, yes.
- What are you complaining about?
When was the last time
you washed the dishes?
My God!
Carlotta washes the dishes!
Don't you "my God" me!
Oh, Mother,
why the hell are you like this?
You bring a boy in this house, a
strange boy... Are you listening to me?
For two weeks, without even
bothering to ask me. A strange boy.
Don't you run away
when I'm talking to you!
Brenda is crying!
- You'll get yours, you little bastard!
- Brenda!
Mama! Brenda cursed!
Brenda cursed at me!
Are we going
to the Hellmans' or not?
Come on, hush, hush. Let's go. Hush.
Goddamn her.
Maybe I should go.
- They're going visiting, thank God.
- Brenda. Brenda, look at me.
- I hope they never come back.
- Brenda. Brenda!
- Ron is still in his room.
- His door is closed.
You can't hear anybody walk here,
because they all creep
in their sneakers.
It's Ron, really, getting married.
And me.
With Harriette a family member,
they'll forget I exist!
That's OK with you. What is this?
What is this? What's in here?
What is this?
- Our old furniture.
- Yeah? How old?
From when we were poor.
Come on. Come on, will you? You're
getting filthy. Let's get out of here.
- It's not here.
- What?
- I told you, the money.
- You didn't tell me. What money?
What money?
When I was little and we just moved
here, my father brought me up here.
Brought me into this room one day,
and he said that...
...if anything ever happened to him,
he wanted me to know where there
was money that I should have.
He said it was for me
and not for anybody else.
That I should never tell
anybody about it.
Not even Ron or my mother.
How much was it?
It was three 100 dollar bills.
I'd never even seen one before.
Well, where is it?
Maybe somebody stole it.
I don't know! I didn't even know
it was missing until just now.
I guess he took it away.
I always had everything,
so I didn't need it.
I guess he knew I didn't need it
and just took it away.
Why did you want it now?
I don't know.
I wanted to find it and rip it into 1,000
pieces and stuff them in her purse.
And if it would've been there,
I swear that's what I would've done!
I wouldn't let you.
Make love to me.
- What?
- Make love to me.
Watch me.
The bird man dies tonight.
Salad, Ronald.
Can I have the gravy too, please?
- Salt.
- Can I have the cabbage, Daddy?
- You're gonna get fat.
- Am not.
No. No more for me, thank you.
He eats like a bird. What do you want?
But the season was up and down.
By the time the first snow
had covered the turf,
there was dribbling
and the cry, "Up and in."
Well, good night, Brenda.
- Good night, Neil.
- See you in the morning.
Now we're ready
for the Minnesota game...
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
There'll be a hand of appreciation
from the crowd...
- Well, I had my first day at work today.
- Oh? How was it?
OK, I guess. I was a little...
And here comes Ron Patimkin
dribbling out.
Ron, number 11,
from Purchase, New York.
What a great season he's had.
For big Ron, it's his last game,
and it'll be some time
before Buckeye fans forget him.
- Number seven.
- Here comes Larry Gardner.
Big number seven out onto the floor.
Would you like to come to my room
and listen to records?
Not right now, Ron. I'm a little tired.
Thank you, though.
Your mother's trying to sleep. It's a
workday tomorrow. Go to bed already.
Who do you like better,
Mantovani or Kostelanetz?
I don't know. I like them both.
Me too. That's all I play.
- Well, good night.
- Good night.
We offer ourselves to you, then,
world, and come at you...
... did the television series
many years ago, I think around 1950,
- before he was known at all.
- Thank you and goodbye.
We will miss you in the fall,
in the winter, in the spring,
but someday, we shall return.
Till then, goodbye, Ohio State.
Goodbye, red and white.
Goodbye, Columbus.
Goodbye, Columbus, goodbye.
What are you thinking?
I don't know.
About me?
- Your father.
- What about him?
I like him.
Has he asked you yet
if you wanna go into business?
Why? Did he say something
to you about it?
No, but he will.
Every single boy I go out with.
Nice to be in such
a nonexclusive club.
Listen, he means well.
We don't have time.
Oh, hey, say. Now, listen,
where'd you get the funny knuckles?
- What's funny about my knuckles?
- I know a doctor who could fix them.
- Morning, Mr. Patimkin.
- Good morning.
No, I cannot!
I've only got a million things to do.
The man from the liquor store
hasn't answered back.
I have to get down to the florist
sometime today
to make a decision
about the centerpieces.
How can I ask Brenda?
She went to New York
to buy a dress for the wedding.
Wait a minute, I'll ask Neil.
Neil, Brenda's friend.
I'll call you back later.
Neil, darling.
Could I ask you to do me a favor?
Mr. Patimkin has some
silver patterns he wants me to look at.
Would you drive down to the store
and pick them up for me?
Let's get the truck loaded.
You get paid by the hour,
so let's get them in the truck already.
Come on!
- Hey.
- Ron, how are you?
- Where's your father?
- He's right inside.
All right, let's keep working. Get those
things loaded. We don't have all day.
What are you talking about?
I got them... Wait.
In a minute, I'll have them.
No. There it is.
Yeah, the ledgeback, number 945.
What do you mean, they don't
make it? I had six last week!
Grossman, I'm telling you I had them,
and I know they're still making them.
Yeah. Sit.
What do you mean, tomorrow?
Don't give me that tomorrow business.
The world could blow up tomorrow.
Grossman, you listen to me.
You're not the only one in town,
my good friend.
Yeah. That's more like it.
Yeah, we'll be here till 5, no later.
My kid will be here. Yeah, I brought
him into the business with me.
All right, Marty. Bye-bye.
- Hey, Dad.
- Did you send them out to lunch?
I thought I'd send some now
and some later.
- Why?
- That way, somebody's always here.
No fancy deals here.
We all go out to lunch the same time.
All right.
College kids.
Four years in college,
he can't load a truck.
Well, they don't teach too much about
truck loading anymore in college.
And what do they teach in college?
About books?
A lot you can learn from books.
Let me tell you something. In the real
world, you need a little gonif in you.
- You know what that means, gonif?
- Thief.
You think I'm a schmuck, don't you?
- No, I don't think so.
- Thank you.
You kids.
The way you look at us
while we bat our brains out
making a living.
Like we're freaks
and you're something special.
Let me tell you something. When I
was your age, I felt exactly like you do.
Surprise you?
Yeah. Grossman.
Five o'clock today, the deal's off.
That's right, by 5 or forget it.
Is this where you're sleeping?
- What are you doing?
- Contacts.
Is everything in its place now?
I can't believe a week
could go by so fast.
Let's slow the next one down.
We don't have time.
Listen, the whole house
is gonna be up in five minutes.
I'll only take four.
Oh, unfair. Unfair.
Neil? I spoke to my father last night
about you coming to the wedding.
I thought we wouldn't talk about
the wedding. You promised.
But I want you there.
- I know. She doesn't, your mother.
- She'll be so hysterical
- that she won't know who's there.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, my God,
are you gonna start that again?
Should I love that you go back
to school the day after the wedding?
- Don't bring it up every five minutes.
- Well, I can't help it. I dread it.
Me too.
You don't act like it.
- What, would you like it in writing?
- Maybe.
Call my father's lawyer.
Why is it so peculiar
that I'd like some commitment?
Some concrete assurance
it won't all be over
two days after you're back in school?
May I know your name?
Well, you got the message.
Do you have the plan?
I can't stand the slop in this joint.
We gotta bust out.
Are you in my cellblock?
- What kind of a commitment?
- I don't know.
Some kind of sacrifice. You know,
something symbolic. A gesture.
- How about if I sacrifice my sister?
- No. Too young.
- You want my mother?
- No.
- Too old.
- Only one thing left,
- it's my sister-in-law's virginity.
- Hey.
- You think she and Ron ever did it?
- Harriette?
Not a chance.
Come on. You kidding?
With all those pills, everybody does it.
Not Harriette, she'll never do it.
Much too dirty.
Hey, I meant to ask you.
About those pills,
don't you have to take them
in the morning?
Does it make any difference
when you take it?
I don't take them.
- What did you say?
- Hard. Come on.
- Really hard.
- What do you take?
- Nothing. Turn off the water.
- Nothing?
Listen, I tried the pills,
but they made me fat, sick,
and every day you read something
new about them in the paper.
So I decided
I was better off with nothing.
Brenda, I'd like to talk to you
about nothing.
You mean nothing?
- Is that Julie getting up?
- You don't mean nothing.
- Hurry up, get out of here!
- That's all you're worried about?
Someone's gonna find me in here?
Can't you hear there's
somebody getting up?
How can a middle-class Jewish girl
go to bed every night with somebody
and not use any precaution?
Don't you know
they make babies that way?
You think it's like what
you read about, see in movies?
All you do is go to bed with
somebody once, and you have a baby?
Yes, it's been known to happen.
All right, all right, just tell me this.
Will you tell me this?
Will you concede this much?
It's possible, right? To get pregnant.
One time is all that's really necessary,
in theory, for you to get pregnant.
- That's possible, isn't it?
- Yes.
- With my luck, you're pregnant.
- You serious?
I'm way the hell past serious,
I'm suicidal.
Will you cut that out?
Are you so spoiled
that you can't imagine
the possibility of... Don't shush me!
You can't imagine the possibility of
something terrible happening to you?
- I don't want to discuss this anymore.
- OK.
- I don't want to discuss this anymore.
- OK.
You'll go to a doctor this afternoon,
and you'll get some pills.
- I told you, they make me sick.
- All of them?
- Lots of them.
- OK, you keep trying.
They make all different kinds,
a hundred different kinds.
I'm not taking the pills,
and that's the end.
And you don't just take the pills,
you have to start taking them
at a specific time.
Get a diaphragm.
What if I won't?
Oh, go to hell.
Did you get it?
Where is it?
- I'm wearing it.
- What?
Brenda Patimkin.
Brenda Patimkin, I love you, I love you.
Come, my pussycat!
Now that you have spoken the words
and performed the rites
which unite your lives, I do hereby,
in conformity with the faith of Israel
and in the eyes of God
and in accordance with the laws
of the state of New York,
declare your marriage
to be valid and binding,
and I pronounce you, Ronald,
and you, Harriette,
to be husband and wife
before God and before all men.
Mazel tov!
- Congratulations to you.
- Thank you very much.
And to you too, sweetie.
- Congratulations, sir.
- Thank you.
Oh, and lots of happiness to you.
Well, they got... They did it, huh?
They got married. Big weddings.
When I got married, who knew about
big weddings? You got married.
I've gotta tell you. You look lovely.
Really, you do.
Absolutely adored everything
and I love your son.
- I can't stand that Ehrlich woman.
- Congratulations.
- Neil.
- Hi.
Seymour, mechaieh. Today's gonna be
the classiest affair of the year.
Nothing but the best for our kids, huh?
Ron was telling me
you have a very interesting job.
- I work in the library.
- Wonderful!
You must get first crack
at all the bestsellers.
- Sometimes.
- I hope I'm not
being too presumptuous
in saying this,
but Ron and I were hoping that you
and Brenda would double with us.
Well, it sounds nice.
Excuse me.
You're next!
I only get shikker at weddings
and bar mitzvahs. Let's dance.
- Later, OK?
- Later? All right.
Later, later, later
Sonny, come on, take a picture.
Just Molly and me.
- Why not?
- Just Molly and me.
- Take a picture. Very nice, dear.
- Ready?
- Ready.
- Smile.
- Harry, what are you doing?
- "Harry..."
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hi, you two lovebirds. You're next.
By the way, sweetie, what have you
been doing with yourself this summer?
Growing a penis.
- You having a good time?
- Oh, wonderful.
I told them to live in the neighborhood.
Easy for us to visit them, vice versa.
So they're gonna have a conference.
Everything today is a conference.
Are you meshuga?
It's way over 1,000 yards.
- Who's meshuga?
- Let's measure it.
Let's measure it.
- What are they doing?
- That's Uncle Max and Uncle Manny.
They're in the
carpet business together.
Hello, Neil. How are you?
- Mind if I dance with Brenda?
- No, if she wants to.
- OK?
- Come on.
You're Brenda's boyfriend, huh?
You got a good deal there, boy,
if you don't louse it up.
- Thank you. She's very beautiful.
- Beautiful, not beautiful.
If you're Aly Khan
you worry about movie stars.
Me, I'm a practical man.
On the bottom, you gotta be.
Know how old I was
before I got married?
Thirty-five years old,
and I still don't know
what the hell kind of a hurry I was in.
The son of a bitch who invented
the fluorescent bulb should drop dead.
They never wear out, those things, you
know that? They could burn for years.
- Leo!
- Ben!
Hey, you kids having a good time?
- It's a fine wedding, Mr. Patimkin.
- Thank you, thank you.
- So?
- What do you think
- of your brother getting married?
- You like weddings, Daddy?
I like my kids' weddings.
I didn't even own an automobile.
His brother and I don't own a car.
I take the train wherever I go.
Anything in the whole world
that you want,
you know you can get them.
Because, Brenda...'ve been a good girl.
You get good marks in school...
...and...'ve given me a lot of naches.
A lot of joy.
All my children have.
And believe me, for a million dollars,
nobody in this world could buy that joy.
No, no, no, no, no.
Listen, I'm not kidding myself.
Ron is not the brainiest boy
in the whole world.
But he's a nice boy.
He really is a nice boy.
And believe me,
in these days, it's especially important.
Yeah, because you read in the papers,
all the boys have, today, the children.
Get in trouble.
They don't have any sense of morals,
you know?
I'll tell you the truth.
I feel very sorry for their parents.
...I know how unhappy
your mother and I would be
if we were in their position.
...I thank God every day,
every day,
that I have children I can trust.
So when you go back to school,
and you're shivering and it's cold
and everything is miserable,
go to a store in Boston,
buy yourself a leather coat
with a fox-fur collar.
What is wrong?
It's a wedding. It's a wedding!
A celebration!
Anything my daughter wants
is good enough for me.
There's not a business in the world
can't use another person.
- It's a hell of a wedding.
- A-OK.
- Flowers.
- Oh.
Ben, get Julie.
Harry. Harry.
- Harry, wake up already!
- What?
I must have dozed.
I must have dozed.
I know. I know you're tired, darling,
I know. I know, I know.
I got more brains in my pinky
than my brother Ben
has in his whole body.
Why? Why?
Why is he at the top
and me at the bottom?
Your wife and your child
are exhausted.
Go home.
You'll go...
You'll go far.
You're a smart boy.
Play it safe.
Don't louse things up.
The next time I see you,
it'll be your wedding.
- Where were you?
- Where were you?
Looking for you.
I went out for a walk with Don.
I drank too much and got sick.
I feel terrible.
What a horrible way
to spend our last night together.
Neil, I have bad news,
I can't come in next week.
- I just got your letter.
- Why don't you come up here.
I can't, really.
It's the Jewish holidays.
My aunt is having
the whole family over for dinner.
I'll get a hotel room.
Certainly make it tempting.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Did you get my suitcase?
- Yeah.
I have a reservation,
Mr. And Mrs. Neil Klugman.
Follow him.
- Your heart's pounding.
- I know.
- Are you nervous?
- No.
What's the matter?
Something the matter?
Well, what is it? You didn't
mention anything on the phone.
- I only found out about it today.
- What?
They found out about us.
About our sleeping together
this summer.
I don't get it.
- My mother found the thing.
- The diaphragm?
- Yes.
- Where?
She was cleaning out the dresser.
- The dresser in your home?
- Of course in my home.
- You left the thing home?
- Well, I didn't plan on using it here.
Well, suppose I came up?
I mean... I mean, I have come up.
- What about that?
- I thought I'd go home first.
Couldn't you carry it with you
like a toothbrush?
- Are you trying to be funny?
- No, why'd you leave it home?
I told you,
I thought I'd go down there first.
Brenda, Brenda, look.
Listen, that doesn't make any sense.
Suppose you did go home,
and then you came back up?
Wouldn't you carry it with?
Wouldn't you carry it with you then?
I don't know.
What'd she do,
call you on the phone?
No, they each wrote me a little letter.
Look in my bag, read them.
Go ahead.
Read my father's first.
She never looked
in your drawer before?
How do I know?
Maybe she did, maybe she didn't.
- I couldn't think of everything.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you
confusing everything for?
You know, you act as though
I did it on purpose.
- Do you believe that?
- I don't know.
- Neil, are you crazy?
- Brenda.
What's crazier
than leaving that thing there?
- It was an oversight.
- Now it's an oversight.
- Before, it was deliberate.
- An oversight about the drawer.
It was not an oversight about leaving it.
Brenda, darling, darling,
wouldn't the safest, smartest,
easiest, simplest thing have been
to take that with you?
Wouldn't that be the smartest thing?
You make it seem as though
I wanted her to find it.
Do you think I need this?
I can't even go home.
- Is that so?
- Yes!
No! No! No!
It isn't so!
Your father will be waiting there
with two coats and six dresses!
- What about my mother?
- It'll be the same with her!
Neil, don't be absurd.
I can't even face them.
Why not?
Did you do anything wrong?
- Look at the reality of it, will you?
- Did you do anything wrong?
They think it's wrong.
They're my parents.
- But do you think it's wrong?
- That doesn't matter.
- It does to me.
- Now what are you accusing me of?
- You are guilty of some things.
- What?
Of leaving the
goddamn diaphragm there!
Don't start giving me
any of your psychoanalytic crap now!
Why did you leave it home?
You wanted her to find it.
- Why?
- I don't know, Brenda. Why?
What does your father
capitalize all these letters for?
My God, look at this, my God.
"As for your mistake, it takes two",
capital T,
"to make a mistake", capital M,
"and now that you will be away
at school and from him,
"you will probably do all right.
I have every faith you will", capital F.
"Your father."
Your father, your father, your father.
Your father.
What are you gonna do?
Neil, be realistic.
How can I take you home?
Can you just see us all sitting around
the table having Thanksgiving dinner?
Neil, you don't understand.
They're my parents.
They've given me everything
I've ever wanted, haven't they?
How can I not go home?
I have to go home.
Neil, you don't understand.
You don't understand anything.
All you've ever done
is accuse me of things
and criticize me of things.
Analyze me,
telling me why don't I have this fixed,
why don't I have that fixed.
As if it were my fault,
that I could have them fixed.
---the end---