Gourmet Club (2004) Movie Script

The truth is that
you're up to your neck in shit.
That's the situation.
Goddammit. In five years
you've wasted my inheritance.
Forwards, caps, floors,
swaptions, collars...
Who even knows what they are?
You should, since you make
the orders. I just execute them.
Hello, Henri.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Dear friends, here is
Orsino Mangiacavallo!
Thank you, boys. That's enough.
Everyone knows the procedure.
Although last time Ylnen
raised the bet to 1000 euros.
A poor man has little,
a greedy man nothing. -We'll see.
It had better be something
edible this time.
Don't worry, I don't intend to
spend the night in a hospital.
I have a date with Jasmine.
-But isn't she over 30?
At least some of us
still have sex, Lauri.
Go get fucked, Dahlberg.
-I intend to.
The walls are not soundproof.
-So shut up.
Daring suggestions.
Even from Paavo.
But unfortunately...
Sorry, boys, everyone was wrong.
Fucking hell. -That was
the seventh ''fuck'' tonight.
Maestro Mangiacavallo, please.
Tonight I served you:
Scolopendra gigantea.!
Braised giant Peruvian centipede.
-That's poisonous.
Is it? -Looks like
Herman is going to die again.
Orsino removed the poison
patiently and skilfully. -Bravo!
I thank you again, boys.
Quite a bundle.
Next month Dr Ylnen will
provide the dinner ingredients -
and try to fool the Gourmet Club.
Hit the gavel, Lauri.
This meeting is adjourned.
Once more.
Oh, dear God.
Excuse me a moment.
Henkka. -It's Ylnen.
Paavo, how's it going?
-Things look really bad.
The futures? Where did it trade?
-1 7.4.
It's above its theoretical maximum.
-True, but let's not panic.
All I can think of
is a crisis meeting.
But... -Right now.
Otherwise I'm screwed.
We can meet in half an hour...
Hey, be careful!
What are you doing?
-I don't know.
Do you know how much these
hubcaps cost or how to get them?
Wait just a second.
It's my wife.
This is my car.
I have the keys in my pocket.
This is a misunderstanding.
Can't we talk about this?
This is the only car of its kind
in Finland. Do you know who I am?
You must be this Paavo Ylnen.
Hey, wait!
I have an idea.
Let's say I drop two red ones
and two blue ones into the truck -
and you leave this brown one
alone. -Did you drop something?
I'm talking about money.
-Did you lose money in here?
No, but I could, if we could find
a satisfactory way out of this.
You want satisfaction?
What the hell are you suggesting?
Yes? -See you tomorrow.
The economy is recovering,
how can I be losing money?
You bought interest rate futures
and put warrants -
and you're being hammered
on both fronts.
Why did you sell them to me?
-I sell what you ask for.
But you have to decide if you want
to be long or short, bear or bull.
Do you have any clue what kinds
of derivatives you're playing with?
Can't the bank
cut me a little slack?
A little loan. The markets
may be totally different next year.
You've exceeded your limit.
You can't even afford to pay
your old debts' interest.
Wallenius. Fuck you.
It might be possible -
to find an unofficial
solution to this.
Help yourself. Mount Cristo.
Authentic Cuban cigars.
It's Monte Cristo. -Huh?
This is called Monte Cristo,
not Mount Cristo.
That's what I said. -Right.
How's your Gourmet Club?
Didn't you meet
a couple of weeks ago? -Yes.
Have you by any chance considered
taking on new members?
No, we haven't. -That's a pity.
The club's membership is
respected in certain circles.
Circles that are hard to get into
if you're from the wrong family -
even if you are
a high profile person.
If you're thinking
what I think you are...
How should I put this?
The club is very exclusive.
No middle class.
I'd choose my words
carefully if I were you.
I have nothing against you
joining. It's the others. -Pity.
If you could have made
your club a bit less exclusive -
the bank might look the other
way when it comes to your loans -
and perhaps offer you more funding
through a zero-coupon perpetual.
I'd be delighted
to have you as a member -
but Thernstrm, our chairman
has... How should I put it?
An old fashioned and aggressive
attitude towards the middle class.
Why is this so fucking hard
to understand?
Do you know what's on the screen?
I absolutely have to make a call.
And after that call all you'll
have is an ass full of hot air.
All right.
What if I try to change
Thernstrm's mind?
Yes. That's a good option.
Yes. -Yes.
Have you launched
your boat yet? -I sold it.
-There's a time for everything.
Where's the damn switch?
There it is.
Come in.
Hello, Aarno. Ylva. -Hello.
Thernstrm's daughter fainted.
I don't think it's serious -
but I thought I'd stop by.
Could you wait outside, Ylva?
They were asking about
your golf club membership fee.
You might not know, but the
risk free interest rate futures -
have been acting a bit strangely.
So, you're broke?
-Technically, no.
But you might say that
I've gone long a bit too long -
or I've been short selling...
I just need a bit more leeway.
-Can't the bank help?
They sort of can. Do you
remember my dealer, Wallenius?
The guy who changed
his name from Mhnen? -Yes.
He'll help, if he can join the club.
What do you think
Thernstrm will say?
Fuck, fuck and fuck.
I'm screwed.
Can't you lend me some money?
I really need it. -Pestis
in amicitia pecuniae cupiditas.
Amicorum sunt omnia communia.
-Except debts.
At least your father
isn't here to see this.
Excuse me.
Have you fainted before?
Did you have breakfast? -No. I've
been feeling sick in the mornings.
You've been feeling
sick in the mornings?
Henri Mhnen? That upstart!
You want him to join?
If we let him in, soon the whole
middle class will follow.
Goddammit, next thing you know
we'll be eating pizza!
They'll want reforms.
We'll have to vote on everything.
You might not see it,
but soon they'll rule the world.
Not my world.
-I don't know about that.
Your walls aren't impenetrable.
-What do you mean?
Ylva came to see me today.
It's nothing serious. Or...
-Has something happened?
Do you remember that you
considered private tutoring -
but in the end sent Ylva
to high school?
To a school with other kids,
in this case boys.
What the fuck are you getting at?
-Ylva is kind of pregnant.
Or actually not just kind of.
It's not a problem nowadays.
We can take care of it quietly.
There's no need to tell
anyone at school.
Are you fucking blackmailing me?
-Not at all.
I just thought that if I do you
a favor, you'd do one for me.
That is if this is important to you.
Maybe you could
reconsider Wallenius.
Are you blackmailing a Supreme
Administrative Court judge?
Yes. Well, it depends on
how you look at it.
Your decor
is pretty functional.
The door was open.
Did you change Thernstrm's
mind? -Unfortunately.
Good. What about the others?
I'm sure they won't be a problem.
Jesus. It's a brand new day again.
Give me a couple of red ones.
I don't have any,
I have four blue ones.
My hand is full of blue ones.
A couple of red ones.
I don't have any.
Wait, I have one.
Peanuts. I can't stand them.
-I see.
Once a mother
came to my reception -
with his five-year-old son.
His nose was hurting.
I started poking around his nose,
trying to see what was in there.
They were both screaming,
there was snot flying around.
I couldn't even
see in there properly.
Suddenly I got a grip of something.
I pull it out...
And it's a peanut. A green one.
-A pistacchio?
No, a peanut.
It had been there so long
that it was moldy. -Disgusting.
Now I understand your dislike
of peanuts. -Do you?
Do you want to hear the rest?
-Not really.
Then the kid...
Or the snotnose -
looks at me and says:
''Is the other one moldy too?''
The only way to be safe is
to eat them. -Kids?
No, peanuts.
I'll never do this many
tonsillectomies in one day again.
Paavo, here you are!
My brother had gallstone surgery.
We came to say hi.
What are you doing here
in the dark? -Nothing.
I thought I'd make myself a martini.
I came to get some ice.
Tough day? -No, same as always.
Don't drink too much.
We have a meeting tonight.
Let's hop along now.
Let's see what's in here...
Hello. Thank you.
Is everything all right?
-Nothing to worry about.
May I suggest some changes -
if no one minds?
-What kinds of changes?
I'm certain that no one can
guess tonight's ingredient.
We'll see.
Two thousand euros.
What do you say?
Can you afford that? -I want
to win back what I lost last year.
Feel free to try.
What do the others think?
All right. -Then it's agreed.
The other change involves the
exotic nature of tonight's dinner.
If you can't guess the ingredient,
it will remain a secret -
and we'll eat it again next time.
-Have you blown your inheritance?
This isn't about money.
This just happens to be -
high season for this
rare ingredient. -A hint!
Be careful,
don't accidentally reveal it.
What if we know what it is?
Are we supposed to trust you?
Of course not. Mangiacavallo
will confirm any incorrect answers.
Or correct ones.
Do you know what you're doing?
-I think so.
So everyone accepts
the changes?
Well, then let's eat.
-Let's eat.
Gentlemen, bon appetit.!
This looks quite edible.
A delicate aroma.
This is... This is absolutely...
Yes! -Oh, Mother...
Excuse my French,
but this is fucking good.
It is these kinds of dinners
that make our club what it is.
Good evening, boys.
Gentlemen, it is time.
Why don't you start, Thernstrm?
-Ylnen, Mangiacavallo.
Nice try, slicing it so thin,
but the taste is unmistakable.
We had the brain of some
ungulate creature. -Yuck.
Dear sir, the answer is
not correct. -Oh, fuck!
Herman? -I have no idea.
That's nothing new.
But I think I know what we ate.
We ate lampetra fluviatilis.
We ate lamprey.
No, no,
nothing to do with lamps.
What about our
infallible friend, Robert?
I unfortunately know
what we had for dinner.
I bumped into our honourable
doctor at his practice.
You claimed you were out of ice
but I'm not fooled that easily.
He said it was high season for
the ingredient. -But you can't...
Did you think you could fool me?
I am infallible.
Tell us already!
We had...
..frozen crayfish.
No fish! No, boys!
Bravo, Paavo!
I am sorry, Robert.
Quite a bundle.
Where did all this come from?
Very sneaky, Paavo.
You outdid yourself, Mangiacavallo.
The dinner was delicious.
One more thing.
This may sound a bit weird -
but it has been suggested
that we take on new members.
Why on earth? -Why not?
It'd be fun to meet new people.
Think of some names
for next time -
and we'll see who gets the most
votes. The meeting is adjourned.
That's a good idea.
Don't be shy, brush firmly.
-Knock, knock.
Paavo, I was just
thinking about you.
Did I interrupt something?
-No, it's great to see you.
What are you smiling about?
-I just feel so great.
Did you put something
in the food? -What?
Some drug?
You see, last night...
This is just between us.
I had an enormous erection.
-I see.
Not just any erection,
but an enormous one.
Just like when I was young.
-I see.
I went home last night -
Kirsti had just bathed
and I had this cannon...
This missile,
this goddamn tanker in my pants.
I laid Kirsti on the floor
and we started to...
All night long. You can imagine
how painful it is at 4.30 a.m.
But we just kept at it
again and again.
And it just got better.
What did you feed us last night?
You don't think the dinner
had anything to do with your...
I've tried everything for this.
-I know.
And I mean everything.
-I know, I know.
And I've never experienced
anything like it.
So, what did you feed us?
It wouldn't be fair
to the others to tell you.
But you can guess again
in two weeks.
I can't wait that long.
Kirsti wants action.
Let's bring the meeting forward.
-That's the least we should do.
But only if you are willing
to discuss your member candidate.
Hello, Paavo!
Do you want some tea?
Sit down. This is Stefan.
Stefan is the best known
colonic irrigator in Scandinavia.
He'll do his stuff
and then I'll let one rip.
Beautiful orchids.
-Inherited from Mother.
Did you want something?
You can speak in front of Stefan.
He doesn't understand
a word of Finnish. -Hi.
Speak freely, he won't understand.
-This may sound strange...
After the mystery dinner,
did you notice any...
Any unusual effects? -Has
something happened to the boys?
No, I mean a positive effect.
During the night. -Night...
I did have a dream.
-Describe it.
Thank you.
I had a strange dream.
-Really? So did I.
What was it about?
-Well, I don't... You tell.
I dreamt about Mother.
It seemed so real.
I could feel her skin,
the smell of jasmine, her hands...
Excuse me, an emotional
reaction. Be careful...
You think it might have
something to do with our dinner?
Possibly. Do you know
Henri Wallenius, the banker?
We'll have to remove them.
Then you can eat
loads of ice cream, Vili.
He is Vesa. -Yes, of course.
Vesa, Vili, Veijo,
Voitto, Voltteri, Valtteri.
Nice boys each and every one.
Let's see...
As it happens the OR
is free all day tomorrow.
I've been going over
your sons' medical charts -
and they all have
chronic tonsillitis -They do?
Yes. Since the OR is free,
why not take care of them all?
The whole kit and caboodle.
All six of them?
-I'll give you a family discount.
Six birds with one stone.
So, they wouldn't have
tonsils at all?
It's a medical fact
that they are useless.
Just like the tail bone.
We'd get along fine without it.
Actually better,
since we'd be able to run faster.
You can ask for a second
opinion from the hell center...
The health center,
but think of it this way.
The boys would only be able
to whisper for a whole week.
Complete, blessed silence.
For a whole week.
The little angels.
-You should see them awake.
All six of them? I thought
you didn't like to do this many.
I was tired then. Now I've found
some brand new motivation.
Just a moment!
I got twelve this time.
Excellent, Paavo.
I'll need all of them tonight.
I promise to cook
something very special.
What are you planning?
-No, no! It's a surprise.
A surprise. Trust Orsino.
And know that
if I get these every day -
I could make a lot of money!
Now, get out of my kitchen.
excuse my language, but...
Our last dinner
was fucking good.
I thought it was somehow...
How should I put it?
Dreamlike. -I don't know why
I can't remember what we've eaten.
The thing Ylnen
served us last time...
Hello, boys.
Henri Wallenius.
-Herman Castren.
And this grouch here is Lauri
Thernstrm. -Henri Wallenius.
I'm sure Lauri will officially
welcome you when everyone is here.
Henkka, would you like a drink?
-Yes, please.
Would you like
a martini or a beer?
I'll have a martini. With a
Maraschino instead of an olive.
Sorry, business call.
-We have this rule...
Don't use the phone here.
None of us have them on.
I see. All right.
Taste it.
Well, boys. Bon appetit.!
Enjoy your dinner.
Henri came at a good time
since we quadrupled the bets.
What bets? -If someone knows
the ingredient, he wins everything.
Otherwise the one who provided it
gets to keep the money.
Sounds like fun. The standard
bet seems to be 500 euros.
Now I know why Mhnen is a dealer.
-I'm sure you accept credit cards.
What the fuck is this?
-You promised.
You said we'd have the same
as last time.
I had some trouble
finding the ingredient.
But I succeeded.
You son of a gun.
-Pulled our leg.
Well, Henri?
This is wonderful, Paavo.
This was like
taking candy from a baby.
I think Paavo should also
provide the next dinner -
and we should meet in a week.
-Why not tomorrow?
Excuse me, I promised to go
home early. Meeting adjourned.
But... Don't...
Me too. I promised Kirsti...
I have to say it was...
Oh, Jesus! -How was it?
Good. Very good. A bit salty.
So, you're a banker, right?
When I was studying...
As fun as this is -
why don't we stop
playing this game?
Can I have all of these?
Excuse me.
Why don't we start collecting
membership fees? -Fees?
Not from us, from everyone else.
-Who is ''everyone else'' exactly?
Let's organize a gala event
and franchise some gourmet clubs.
What's there to lose?
We'd earn money.
I love gala events.
Is there enough of that
ingredient of yours? -I think so.
You owe me 100 euros.
-You've been practising.
Lauri, since you're on the board
of the children's hospital -
could you organise a meeting
with Dr Ntnen? -Sure.
Why? -For the sake
of Finland's children.
Open up. Say ''aa.''
Open up. Here it is.
That's a good boy.
These are huge,
they have to go.
Get the nurse. Say ''aa.''
Good evening.
Come in.
Hi. -Hello.
You have a nice office.
Why didn't you call?
I would've made coffee.
Can't drink it, my ulcer is acting
up again. Is this a supporting wall?
In case you'd want to extend this.
-I'm not planning to extend this.
I mean after you've sold this.
-I'm not planning to sell either.
I think you are. -What is this?
What could it be? A sales contract.
You're selling this to me.
I like this floor. Is it original?
-What is this?
I thought my debts were settled.
Who was it? -Who?
The one you fed to us.
I hope it was no one I knew.
It wasn't a who.
It was a what. -What what?
It was children's tonsils.
Yes, and the kids are just fine.
Did you feed us contaminated
human meat? -No.
The risk of infection is minimal.
Half the world eats contaminated
meat. That's why there are spices.
Besides most of the kids
were completely healthy.
Good, then there's no problem -
since you've only fed us the meat
of mostly healthy children.
tonsils are organs not meat.
Good luck trying to explain that
to a judge. -I mean technically...
Sign this.
Thank you. And this.
I'll take your
car keys right away.
Didn't you read the small print?
You should always read it.
I'll leave for the club now.
See you in a couple of hours.
And I trust you'll serve us
something a bit more seemly.
What can I find in two hours?
What smells this bad?
A waste of tax payers' money.
A drunk is a drunk. Soon his
new liver will look the same.
All you have to do is
buy cheap and sell dear.
What the hell's going on?
He must be able to serve here.
This chair is very good.
One more brandy.
-No more for you, bad boy.
it's time to start the guessing.
Mhnen, you start.
I can't say anything specific -
but once again
the taste was very refined.
Horrible shit. Hated it. Why
didn't we get the same as before?
I couldn't get the ingredient.
-Tasted like booze.
I have to say
that I disagree completely.
I thought the slight taste
of alcohol was refined. -Yes.
It was probably Calvados or
brandy aged in an oak barrel.
Nothing cheap.
-A hint of bitter orange.
Some tar...
And somehow it reminded me of...
Am I even close?
-Nowhere near.
I'd say it was
wild boar's liver from Estonia.
No, you are wrong.
Setl. -I have no idea.
My guess is rye soup
or rye porridge. -Certainly not.
But thank you, boys.
-Wait a minute.
First tell us
what you served us last time.
We'd all like to know.
I can't tell you. -Why not?
Will the fucking food be offended?
I just can't. -Yes, you can.
It was our money you took.
And are taking.
-Go ahead, tell us, Paavo.
Show a bit of loyalty.
If you want loyalty
get a cocker spaniel. -What?
I'll tell you, but first I want
to remind you of the rules -
that we all agreed on.
-Just get to the point.
Just a moment. We agreed
that we can serve anything -
as long as it's not poisonous
or lethal. -What was it?
Children's tonsils.
You mean the ones
that are in here?
They would've been removed
anyway. -That means -
that we are anthropo...
-You mean cannibals.
They were delicious. -I never
imagined that tonsils could...
They were delicious.
-I mean the side effects.
You mean you also...
-And how!
What the fuck are you talking about?
-For a long time I thought -
that I'm a goner,
but there was this odd stiffening...
Paavo, you're a bastard,
but you saved my marriage.
And my self esteem.
-Oh, Mother!
I'm sorry to interrupt
this emotional moment -
but this is getting
a bit absurd.
I know that it's nice
you can get it up again but...
But try to remember that
he fed us human flesh. Human!
Are you saying you knew
what it was? -What?
How did you know?
I took a sample of it to a lab.
You took a sample?
Well, that was clever of you.
It didn't occur to you that it's
against the spirit of our club?
So fucking what? -I don't think
that it would please Orsino -
to have you take his food
to all kinds of labs.
Isn't that right, Orsino?
-Yes, I've lost my temper.
I've totally lost my temper.
I'm going to punch you!
You're focusing on the wrong thing.
What I did... Get your hands off!
Fucking impotents! -I'd choose
my words carefully if I were you.
Haven't done that since 1972
when we broke the strike.
Do you remember?
-Yes. The kid had spunk.
The meeting is adjourned.
Oh, hell.
Come back.
I'll take those.
The car is mine.
We had a deal. -What deal?
If you want loyalty
get the cocker spaniel.
Stop measuring and putt.
-I have to take aim.
I was talking to some colleagues
in Kuopio about a local club.
They're in need of some
extra boost. -Did you tell them?
Tell what? Those hicks
don't care what they eat.
All they care about is the result.
It would be a good investment.
The baby boomers are retiring
and the wives want action.
Thernstrm is interested in
their marital happiness.
Herman, this hole is par 4.
This is your ninth shot.
No, it's the sixth. -Putt already.
Almost. -Put down an eight
so we can get to the club.
You got off pretty easily
from that tonsils affair.
Never underestimate
the power of erection.
What did you feed us yesterday?
I'm not going to say.
-It certainly made me thirsty.
Give me a hint. -No way.
I can tell you that in Finland
we won't run out of them by eating.
Tonsillectomy is one of the most
common operations in the world
Liver transplants
are on the rise