Grandhotel (2006) Movie Script

a film by David Ondricek
Hey! It's going to rain.
Costume designer
Art director
Written by
Director of photography
Executive producer
Produced by
Directed by
- Guten Tag.
- Guten Tag.
Every woman has a certain scent.
and if they smell like gas--wow.
Hey, that new gal
is like a dead fish.
But even a dead fish
can grant you three wishes.
- Why do you think I hired her?
- What are you talking about?
I'll translate:
Even this can become a dew point
from minimum to maximum. Get it?
Sure. The dew point: when the
air's saturated and clouds form.
- It's a magic moment.
- Is the weather all you care about?
About flying, too.
- Great, but I want to know
if you've ever screwed. -What?
Have you ever screwed? Get me?
Humpty Dumpty.
As I can see, obviously not.
Of... Of course I've screwed.
- Oh, I'm sure you screwed
yourself. -A girl, of course.
Right. Fleischman:
Self-Screw, Inc.
Hey, do you know
Jegr's first commandment?
- No, and I don't want to.
- It goes like this:
Go for it...
I'll show you a magic moment.
Like some ice cream, babe?
You went too far, man!
You're fired, you frigid bitch!
Pretty cool dew point...
Hey, you live here free, eat
free, ride the cable carefree...
If you were a man you'd screw
free! I treat you like family.
- No one asked you to.
- What'd you say?
I feel like an underpaid slave.
Now I'm pissed. I try my best
to help you stop beating off,
but you just think you're funny.
Get lost! Beat it!
Fucking maintenance man...
Hello, ticket inspection...
Thank you.
Hello, ticket inspection...
Ticket inspection!
But you have a ticket.
- A tornado?
- The tram.
You got a problem, Fleischman,
and I got the solution:
Don't worry, be happy.
Oh, no...
- Get moving, you old fart.
- What did you say?
Just that it's going to rain.
- Welcome back.
- Welcome back? This is my home.
- Know how you recognise Heimat?
- No. -Komme hier...
- Come here. - Ow! Mr. Franz!
- Sniff... Smell it? -What?
What I smelled over England.
Always, whenever I was in danger
I recalled the sweet-sour smell
of this town.
Cabbage and strudel.
That's just the kitchen.
Achtung! Give that here.
Our next mission...
What's our motto?
- A person belongs where he
was born. - Dismissed! - Danke.
Come in!
- What's the forecast today?
- Nice.
- You say that even when it's cloudy.
- Clouds don't bother me.
- Me neither; I like fog.
- Fog isn't a cloud.
- What is it?
- Condensed vapour.
You got
another letter from Germany.
- What are you doing here?
- I work here; and you?
I do too.
This dumpster is sick.
So cure it, doctor.
- What? - I've got
a super solution for you. -What?
Wanna be happy fast?
Wanna be rich?
Wanna do something
with your life?
Happy Life, friend.
All in one. All in one.
Use it for dishes, wood floors,
laundry, ironing, your car.
- I don't have a car. -Guess what
mankind's future depends on.
- Glaciers melting.
- That, too. It depends on global dealing.
We all deal. You're a natural.
You got the face for it, wow!
Don't let happiness pass you by.
Look, you start here.
In a month you got the region.
In 6 months the entire republic.
And then Europe!
So you're here now?
I want to become a super master
and I'll be one in six months.
- This is...
- We already met, right, doctor?
- I'm not really interested.
- Everyone is, right, honey?
It seems silly to me.
Isn't it silly
never to be rich and happy?
- I'll let you worry about that.
- Sure, you're right.
You got other problems, eh?
Let down your hair;
you look like a teacher.
- Something's floating in it.
- That's health. -Health?
- Is it for hair, too?
- Sure.
Pour it on your head and
the next day you've got dreads.
I don't want dreads.
Okay, a couple drops
for a Mohawk.
- A Mohawk, huh?
- Yeah.
This fat one is Karl.
He liked sopranos.
We enlisted together in '42. He
was maimed on the Eastern Front.
This one, Heinrich, was almost
killed in an air raid in Hamburg.
This one's Rudi...
He was on a sub.
Imagine, they sank them twice
and he survived.
- Insubordination deserves a bullet!
- Have you gone completely crazy?
- Rudi: our last mission.
- It'll cost you 100 Euros.
Know what I like best about people?
That they can always be bought.
That's only twenty.
Medals are given out
only after the battle.
We meet in 15 minutes
at spot height B. Dismissed!
- What does creative mean? -That
you're handy, a good cook, etc.
- This test says
I'm the creative type. -Lucky you.
You're dating Patka, right?
- For a long time.
- A long time.
I'm not seeing anyone.
- Want one?
- What is it? - Kinderkill.
- Why do you take it?
- To lose weight.
- You aren't fat.
- Thanks, but the test says so.
- It says I should find a stud.
- A what?
Really! Are you nervous,
lonely, empty? Find a stud.
Just some perverts wrote that.
But I do feel nervous,
lonely, and empty.
Did you need
a magazine to find that out?
- Hello.
- Hello. -Hello.
I guess Fleischman
wouldn't be much of a stud.
- I know, he's weird. -Who isn't?
- You don't seem so weird.
I'll tell you something,
but don't tell anyone.
I always know when someone's
pregnant, even the first week.
I look at them
and I can feel it in my stomach.
You like Fleischman,
don't you?
He seems so sweet, you know?
We suit each other.
- Is that your idea?
- The test said so.
Halt! It was here.
The garden, gazebo...
The house was here. Show him.
Welcome home, Rudi.
There, Fleischman, los, los, los!
What're you looking at?
We must follow through to the end.
No, not here.
They'll just sweep Rudi up.
The garden.
The house.
Mission accomplished.
- That's only 30.
- Czechs are always only paid half.
Back to the base separately.
- Hi, how are you?
- Hello. -Really? Me too.
Miss? Miss? Hey!
Can we see your bag?
Of course.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What're you staring at?
- You go outside just like that?
- How else?
Oh, man!
- Can you swim?
- You mean in the water?
Yeah, in the water. We're going
swimming with Zuzana tomorrow.
- Here in town?
- Yeah. -l don't have a suit.
Okay, it's settled. Tomorrow.
- Hi. -You need contacts.
You look like a secretary.
I invited Fleischman
and Zuzana for the trip tomorrow.
- It was supposed to be our picnic.
- Be a little Happy Life.
- Didn't Johnson say we should help each other?
- Fleischman's a dork.
Is there a sign on my car
that says "dating service"?
Liberec is getting ready
for the 2009 ski championship...
- Hey, sorry about last time.
- Me too.
I understand: your log starts
throbbing and you get pissy.
- Come on, it's not about that.
- The fuck it isn't, man.
I'm gonna show you something.
- My lifeline.
- Isn't that on your hand?
That's the only place
you'll ever have one.
R gen '85,
Balaton '86, Golden Sands '87.
Now get this: the best of all.
My own design.
The Jested rubber.
Trojan of the Year '89.
- You really invented this, huh?
- Invented it and tried it out.
Tested on humans, pal.
Of course, you could use it
for a hat or a balloon.
It'd make a good weather balloon.
But it's kind of small, isn't it?
Small, huh? Small, huh?
These, my friend, are from one
highly satisfied Hungarian lady.
The only Hungarian you'll ever
have is goulash, leftovers to boot.
Let's make a deal:
leave me alone and I'll do my job.
Relax, just relax!
Without my advice
you'd be completely unbearable.
- Jegr's old Indian trick. -Can
it wait till after the weather?
Clouds won't do you, pal.
Listen up!
If you really,
really love someone...
- yank out three dick hairs.
- Dick hairs? That's gross.
Okay, ball hairs.
Yank out three pubes
and stick them
in some pretty-puss's food.
After that, the deadest of dead
fish will grant you three wishes.
You're such a twisted pig!
Yank out your own cock hair, creep.
Hold on!
Now you've really pissed me off.
A person opens his heart,
looks after you like family,
and you spit in his face?
What're you looking at?
Get out of here!
Beat it, man! Do you
need it written down, you psycho?
Can't you do that tomorrow?
Aren't we discovering America
with Mr. Einstein and Miss Liberec?
You said
people should help each other.
Sure, honey.
But only under certain conditions.
Only if you
get something out of it, right?
Since when are you Mother Teresa?
You're such a loser.
I slave away nights
so we can have some fun,
so you won't have to schlep dishes,
so this town will seem fun...
and then she calls me a loser.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
- Do you ever eat, say, apples?
- Un-un.
- Doesn't that make you sick?
- No, I like them.
That cloud looks like you eating:
crumbs everywhere.
- And that one looks like you.
- Which? -That cumulus on the left.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, what's up?
Okay, how's it going?
- I think that cloud looks more like
Zuzana. -Which cloud? -That one.
It's beautiful. But alone, lonely.
- Smell this. -Smells good.
- Doesn't it stink?
Are you pregnant?
Oh, I guess you'd know.
- Want it?
- No, it's "yoghurt Thursday."
- Want it?
- What a pampered lady...
It's alright.
- What're you staring at?
- Enjoy the soup. -Thanks.
I'm scared
I'll look fat in my bikini.
At least you'll know
if those Kinderkill work.
- Can I tell you something?
- Sure.
I was born with 12 toes.
They cut two off, and the doctor
said I shouldn't worry about it.
- So don't. -But what if he
finds out? I've got little scars.
- Don't take your shoes off.
- So I should swim in my socks?
I don't think anyone's
going to look at your little toes.
- Hey, dopey, what kind of suit
you got? -Why? -Show me.
- I don't have a suit, I got boxers.
- So show me.
Stop squirming and drop your pants.
- Yep, Zuzana's gonna like that.
- Who cares?
You're dumb. Take what comes.
Falling in love is positive.
It's for life. Start with Zuzana
and end up a super master.
- Know how you're gonna do it?
- Yeah... Like normal...
Humpty Dumpty.
Okay, good... Let's go to the dam.
Me and Ilja will take off,
and you'll have time alone.
- Aren't we going to the pool?
I'm not leaving town. -Why?
Well...because it's going to rain.
- Why would it?
- I said it's gonna rain!
Promise me we'll go to the pool.
Take it easy, relax.
I promise. No problem.
Close your fly
or you might get wet, dopey.
- Thought it over, Fleischman?
- It's gonna rain.
- On TV they said it'd be sunny.
- No, I mean about Happy Life!
The car, the radio, the shoes,
the chick--all made in Happy Life.
- Thanks a lot.
- Honey, I'm just trying to help.
- How long were you in America?
- A long time. -A year.
It's not like here.
This place is dead city Liberec.
- The only thing to do here
is -Exactly.
- Hey, the pool's that way.
- We're going to the dam.
- You said the pool. -The pool's
for brats and perverts, eh, girls?
- Yep.
- You promised.
Words lie. Thanks for trusting me.
- Hey, are you okay?
- It's from all the cookies.
- Please, stop. -What a baby.
- Are you okay? -No, stop!
- He said stop!
- You're a man. Tough it out.
- Stop or I'll jump.
- Go on, Rambo, jump!
We're off to America.
Let's go, buddy!
I didn't mean to. Sorry, Ludek.
How... How...
How many times I gotta tell you?
Ludek who?
Are you my mom, or what?
What were you doing? I'm Patka!
P-A... P-A-T-K-A. Okay? Okay?
Get that through your thick head!
Where are you going?
- Ilja, get in.
- Leave me alone.
Your choice.
Are you nuts, or what?
Kindly go back on your own side.
- You've never been anyplace, right?
- Why do you ask? -Have you or not?
- I guess not.
- You guess or you're sure?
I guess for sure not.
Why should I have been anyplace?
- Liberec is enough for me.
- Does that seem normal? -Yeah.
- How old are you anyway?
- Thirty.
You're really weird.
- How do you know about the weather?
- What exactly?
- Like when it's going to rain.
- I just calculate it.
- How long have you been doing it?
- Three times a day for 23 years.
Temperature, pressure, dew point,
condensation level, precipitation.
I first measure everything,
then I plot it on a graph.
Wanna see it?
- No one wants me because I have
too much love. -That's not true.
Yes, it is. I don't even know how
to tell someone, so I do such...
- God, I'm so embarrassed.
- I'd fall for you if I were a guy.
But you have Patka.
No one ever tells me
I have nice hair.
- I'm just not perfect like you.
- Like me? Are you kidding?
You know, I've never
said I love you to anyone.
- Come on.
- Really, not even in high school.
Why not?
- I don't know how.
- What do you mean? -l don't know.
I don't know how.
I've got a mental block.
I only felt like telling
one person anyway.
- Patka?
- My mom.
- What do you tell him?
- That I'm happy.
If you want
you can practice telling me.
You have nice hair.
- Hi there, Ilja.
- Sit with us.
- What's that?
- Today is fat-eating Friday. This burns up everything.
- Where'd you get it?
- In the park. Want some?
- There's nettle
and dandelion there. -Dogs, too.
Sorry about yesterday, honey.
- Calculating? -A person
always has to calculate something.
- Who said that?
- I don't know, but it's true.
- It sounds like Johnson. -Who's
that? -Our hyper super master.
He also said: Whoever
doesn't want to be rich is lying.
- That's it exactly.
- No, it's Happy Life.
But something
is more important than Happy Life.
- Am I hearing right?
Please, tell me what. -Forgiveness.
Honey, everything I do is for us.
- Hey, I'm sorry.
- I am too.
I'm sorry too.
Well, then I'm sorry too.
Johnson also said: We have...
Johnson said: Life is like tennis.
We have the right to a second serve
but each of us must find
the strength to pick up the ball.
- Well? - I'm not interested.
- You will be, I know it!
- Is it for girls? I'm pretty...
- Creative. -Then it's for you.
- Can we go, honey?
- Sure.
Johnson also said:
Life is like a math test.
You're calculating a problem, and
you realise you made a mistake.
You want to start over
but you can't. And the bell rings.
You guys should get together.
Your hair looks great.
I brought you something.
- What's that? -Thread, of course.
For if you need to sew something.
- Like what? -l could help you.
I've sewn my whole life.
I sewed this top myself.
If I need to sew anything
I'll let you know.
There was a fountain here.
It was the pride of the town.
And the town
was the pride of Europe.
Now it's Europe's piss pot.
It rains here
more than over the Atlantic.
It's a tough test for any pilot.
It's the hills all around.
The clouds get trapped here.
You're right.
Every pilot must be able to decode
weather and terrain. Every pilot.
- You really lived here?
- Mein Gott, it's horrible!
I'm home again. Right here.
My mother sang me to sleep here.
This floor was cleaner than
an operating table at the hospital.
I'll send you to the hospital,
you Nazi.
- None of you has any ahnung
what war is. -Go back to the Reich.
- What did you say?
- The war is just beginning!
- Let me go!
- Let him go!
- Let him go! -Let me go!
- What do you care, you fag.
- Are you okay, Herr Franz?
- Yeah.
I can't end it here.
Only over my dead body.
Good pussy is easy to spot.
- That's remarkable.
- How her tits stick out?
Don't tell me
the weather turns her on like that.
I mean the high over the Balkans.
I wonder if she has those Japanese
balls inside her, like a geisha.
Did you hear that tinkling?
I heard tinkling.
- I've never seen a high like that.
- Screw the high, look at her low.
I'm looking
but I want to hear her, too.
- Fucking cut it out.
- This is important.
What's important
is how the Tigers played.
The record was broken May 27, 1942,
the day Heydrich was assassinated.
You got no idea about beaver
because you only care in this crap.
The Liberec White Tigers
trounced Sparta Prague 5 to 1.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Those prancing Praguers
had it coming!
Who's the best?
White Tigers of Liberec!
I'll keep writing them
till they stop m...making mistakes.
Your folks m...made a mistake too,
you jerk-off.
I don't have to stand for this!
- You went too far.
- Too far?
You start trashing the hotel
and I went too far?
Go on, get moving! You're fired!
Hit the road!
- Where to?
- Doesn't matter.
- Okay, Warsaw. 830 crowns.
- Not there. How about Jablonec?
One way?
I've never been here.
My mom used to bring me here.
Once I saw a little tornado here
but no one believed me.
May 25, 1995. That day
had ideal tornado conditions.
- Is it in your graphs?
- Yes.
- I need a tornado like that.
- Why? -l don't know.
To suck me up
and toss me somewhere.
- Where?
- Just somewhere else.
But you said you liked it here.
I guess not absolutely.
I shoot them down.
I can't.
- Did you go on a trip?
- Can you whistle on grass?
- Sure.
- Show me.
- I can't do that either.
- I'll whistle for you.
I once jumped out of a second story
window, but nothing happened to me.
- I was in fifth grade. Suddenly
I understood. -Understood what?
The way my mom had said goodbye,
like I'd never see her again.
So I jumped, ran home,
and only my grandma was there.
There was
a beautiful storm that day.
At school they thought
I jumped because of dictation.
Hold on.
- Think we could be
on a first-name basis? -Sure.
- I'm Ilja. -That's a guy's name,
isn't it? -My grandfather's.
I'm Fleischman.
If you want
to go someplace tonight...
take a raincoat.
Aha... Thanks.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I like how you wear your hair.
- Abend.
- Abend.
- Abend. W nschen Sie etwas?
- Zimmer, bitte.
Zimmer, ja? So now
it's good enough here, eh?
You pigs thought you'd save some
money. Bullshit. Okay fine, Zimmer.
Goddammit, don't put your
wet crap on my display counter.
Put it around that corner.
Ecke, Ecke; it'll dry by morning.
In the morning, it won't be...
Sehr schlecht, man. Put it there.
- And now we're full.
- We're full? No, I'm full!
- Gute Nacht!
- Gute Nacht! Bezahlen in the morning. Papieren hier.
Morning, okay? In the Morgen.
Am I dreaming?
You physically attack me,
I fire you, and then
you act like nothing happened.
Pinch me to see if I'm dreaming!
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
You're...You're... Where are you...
Obviously Miss Rakosova
knows who and where she is.
Welcome to the Jested Grand Hotel.
Got a room?
- A room? We're full.
- Full? You're full.
Of course we have a room.
Anything for you.
This way, please.
Humpty Dumpty...
- You can't be serious?
- Hey, I know how things work in TV.
Isn't there anything else
besides that creep's pigpen?
- You just passed up
the Liberec Miracle, bitch. -What?
We're really full. But
there's a cottage down the hill.
You can't send me out in the storm.
Where is she?
- Who? -Rakosova?
- Rakosova who?
- Know who that is? -Rakosova?
- Right. Know who I am? -No.
I'll leave my number...
Call me when Rakosova shows up.
Thanks. I'm Milan.
Good evening, I'm Milan Lisy,
and this is sports roundup...
I brought you some clean towels.
A man was looking for you
but I said you weren't here.
- Thanks. I borrowed a T-shirt.
- Sure, no problem.
- I'll be...downstairs.
- Wait...
I'm afraid to be alone.
that happens.
This one's from '87,
and this one's from '92.
The greatest lows of last century.
- Look at this potential voracity.
- What? -Potential voracity.
- Hey, I'm on vacation.
- Right.
But weather
is important even on vacation.
World history depends on it.
Imagine Constance in 115: what
if it had rained for those 20 days?
- What? -The Hussites
wouldn't have existed.
- I should be in Thailand right now.
- Aha.
- Ever been to Thailand?
- Sure, monsoons and stuff.
I actually haven't, but I'm going.
I feel really good with you.
Here I've got statistics for
temperature, pressure, and wind.
But our data doesn't always agree.
In 2003, you measured 10 degrees
at 1,000 meters, but it was only 7.
But I already...
wrote you.
- What's up?
- Nothing, you're snoring terribly.
- I've never snored in my life.
- Maybe, but you were snoring now.
So many things about me bug you:
my snoring, selling Happy Life...
- And that you can't have kids...
- I can have kids.
- How do you know?
- The doctor said I'm fine.
- So it's my problem, huh?
- You should see a doctor too.
Are you kidding?
Me, Patka, go to a doctor?
And because of that?
Are you nuts?
They destroyed my house,
they destroyed everything.
But they won't get me.
Their swindle won't succeed;
the war isn't over!
This might help you.
It solves every problem.
- Here, go after him.
- Jesus... -Zuzana, clean this up!
- Mr. Franz, your key!
- That old guy's lost it.
- Hi, you were up early.
- I have the morning shift.
Hey, if you need anything,
don't write, just call me.
Don't let clouds darken your soul,
my little Hussite.
- It even works on ants?
- It works on everything. All in one.
No other product can touch it.
- Speaking of touching...
Is five minutes enough? -Sure.
Hi, what's up?
- May l?
- Sure.
I'm here as a donor.
Some dude hired me.
I said, just bring your old lady
to the hotel. I'll do it for free.
He said they'd rather have it
hygienically controlled.
- So he's paying me twenty grand.
- Right.
An agency sent me over.
- I don't want to know anything
about any brats I produce. -Right.
That's crazy pressure.
Mr Nekvasil!
- Interesting.
- What?
The average man has 60 million
sperm per millilitre of ejaculate.
- You've got 300.
- 300 million? -No, 300 sperm.
That's ridiculous.
Don't cry.
He's just a womaniser. He slept
with that anorexic TV bitch.
- Hard to believe. -Bastard!
The biggest bastard of them all.
- And he really needs me...
- Wait!
Only maintenance men allowed.
- Jegr told me to clean your room.
- Why?
He said you
and that moderator got pretty wild.
What? No... No way... Really, no.
- Can I have the key?
- It wouldn't work anyway.
Hey, wait! She knows
nothing about the weather.
And she snores.
- What's this for?
- Wind. -What wind?
Just, like, wind.
- You want to fly away in this?
- Yeah.
Nothing else has worked.
- You'll kill yourself.
- No, it'll fly. I've calculated it.
I just need warm air.
- I still need something.
- Common sense?
No, gas.
And 20 meters of silk to anchor it.
Did you steal it all?
No. I just took it.
Like you take stuff from stores.
You're really crazy, Fleischman.
No...not really.
Patka's not happy
if he sees them twice.
He's crazy about underwear.
- They're silk.
- Oh.
You'll have to sort out the bras.
- Do you chart the weather too?
- No...
It's nothing interesting.
Just girl stuff.
There's a mistake.
- Where.
- It's not leap year this year.
And July and August have 31 days,
so it won't work.
It doesn't work anyway.
Now all you need is some gas.
Where do you want to fly?
I don't know, just away.
- Then I want to go to America,
like Patka. -Patka was never there.
He spent a year in jail for
stealing cars. I was in America.
- What's the weather like there?
- Like here. But the sky's gorgeous.
I've never seen it so blue here.
It reflects off the ocean.
- Why didn't you stay there?
- I like it here. Don't you?
I guess...
I don't know.
That's weird.
Nothing, I guess.
Your hand's really hot.
- Who do you think you are,
you slut! -Stop it, Lu...
- Say it! Say it! Say Ludek!
- Ludek, please, stop it.
Are you scared?
I thought you were never scared.
I thought you were calm and cool
like all the women in your family.
300 is a lot!
300 strong Patkas!
You could never raise so many kids!
- Get out or I'll kill you!
- Why are we talking about kids?
Get out or I'll kill you!
Come here! What should I do?
Come here! What should I do?
- Tell me what to do.
- Let me go!
I thought it was for life.
What should I do? Hold on...
Hold on...
My god,
are you trying to poison yourself?
Do you think
I do it all just for myself?
From now on, baby, I will.
I could understand everything.
But how could you mess around
with that so much stupid?
- You don't know what you're saying.
- That's great, that's just great.
You don't know what you're doing
and I don't know what I'm saying.
You just don't realise
who the fuck I am.
I'm Patka, you bitch! You bitch!
You raging whore! Whore!
- Take a look! Look...
- Put it down.
- It was for life.
- Ludek, put it down!
What do I do with it now?
Spread it on bread?
I'm Patka. Patka!
P-A-T-K-A, okay?
- Put it down.
- All in one...
P-A... P-A-T-K... A...
Are you related?
- No.
- See you later.
People are like clouds. Always
getting together and splitting up.
You're right.
Clouds have names, like people.
Hey, Fleischman,
what's your name anyway?
You don't have to tell me
if you don't want to.
It's Vlasta, after my father.
That's a woman's name, isn't it?
- What did big Vlasta do?
- My parents escaped to Germany.
I was supposed to get out through
the Red Cross, but it didn't work.
Then my mom died.
My dad remarried and left me here.
- He writes me, but I can't forgive
him. -Why didn't you go see him?
I promised my mom
I'd wait for her here.
I wanted to, but couldn't.
Now it's impossible.
What are your graphs for?
Fertile and infertile days.
I don't have much time.
Women in my family
die really young.
We must be under a bad cloud.
- Maybe like that one.
- Which one?
That dark one on the left.
- That one looks like a crocodile.
See it? -Aha, I didn't notice.
Or a dragon?
- Maybe like a frog
- You're a frog.
A toad.
Try to ribbit.
- Can't you ribbit?
- Sure...
- Louder.
- Ribbit!
- Hey, pussycat, so you finally
came around... -Where's Fleischman?
I'd also like to know
where that jerk-off is jerking off.
Things ain't easy for you either.
Fleischman, what if it's different?
What if you influence the weather?
Come on... How?
I never thought of that.
My hand gets warm and that's
how I know the wind is coming.
- What wind?
- The wind that will carry me away.
- What if the balloon falls?
- Then I'll be a cloud and rain.
- Don't you care about dying
without ever... -Without ever what?
You know what. You've never...
- Never what?
- You know.
No, it's not like that.
you can steal but you can't lie.
Do you love me?
- I just... -Just what?
I just asked if you loved me.
I know... I just...
- It's complicated.
- Complicated how?
I'm asking
so you could maybe answer.
I can explain.
- I want...
- Yeah?
What do you want?
I guess it's pretty clear.
I know what you want.
You want a baby, so you used me.
Now you'll throw me away
like an old snot-rag.
You don't understand at all.
Goodnight everyone.
May no clouds darken your soul.
Paramedics, good evening...
Achtung! I'll show you what war is!
Achtung! Forward march!
What's wrong,
Mr. Franz, are you alright?
My pressure is great,
Luftwaffe Lieutenant
Reinhard Franz awaiting orders.
Roger! Six spitfires at 12 o'clock.
Three B-17 bombers at 15 o'clock.
- Mr. Franz, just calm down.
- Engage at sector three, roger!
I better call your doctor.
Go ahead and call. I'll shoot him.
I hate doctors.
Hey, come here, come here...
Smell that?
That's the scent I told you about.
The one you smelled
flying over England?
What? You believed that?
You always grinned so foolishly
and mumbled to yourself.
- I thought you were laughing at me.
- Why wouldn't I believe you?
- I've never been in a plane.
- How come? -With this leg?
The Luftwaffe
would never take a born cripple.
Not even
the Volkssturm would take me.
Not even in April 195,
and I kept volunteering.
So our mission was phony?
No, it wasn't.
- Promise me you'll follow through
no matter what happens. -l promise.
- Danke. You can go. Dismissed!
- I'm not going anywhere.
- That was an order!
- I said no!
is punishable by shooting.
What kind of a soldier
can't even leave this stupid town?
You can't even bang a girl.
So shoot!
Shoot me, you stupid old man!
There, that's more like it.
- Hi. -Hi.
- How's it going? -Fine.
I'm here visiting my... my aunt.
She had surgery.
It's her name day.
It's real important to her.
I'm here visiting my aunt too.
She's... She's in oral surgery.
- Is she okay?
- Sure...
A couple bridges,
three root canals, no problem.
- Cool blouse.
- Thanks. I sewed it myself.
- On a machine?
- Yeah.
- I'm crazy, huh?
- I like that. -Really?
I like you too.
- Thanks.
- Pretty hair, pretty eyes...
- A relative?
- Yep, a relative.
Sign here.
- It comes to 10,320 crowns.
- Do you mind Euros?
- There isn't enough for the urn.
- I know, I calculated it.
Can you put him in here?
I'm finally leaving tomorrow.
A mission like no other, old man.
And you're flying with me.
You scumbag! My jerseys,
my curtains, my tents...
My dumpster!
I knew you were a thief! It's over,
man, finito! You're fired for good!
It's not all yours.
Some things yes, some no.
Only the panties aren't mine,
you pervert!
You pretend to be a nerd
but you steal underwear.
- How many bitches did you ball
behind my back? -You'd be shocked.
You said to get lost, so I am.
For good.
Hey, you're not going anywhere.
Get back down here!
Fleischman, don't
fucking tell me we're airborne.
I think we are.
- What if Franz was right?
- About what?
That a person
belongs where he was born.
Mission accomplished.
Man, you were right.
This town is dead. Look at it.
Hey, let's blow this place.
Nothing's stopping us,
and women are horny everywhere.
Something is stopping us.
Better jump then
because we're headed out to sea.
Pitch it!
Look out! A tree!
I love you.
- Where's Ilja? She got a letter
from Fleischman. -Let me see.
Sealed with semen.
I used to travel too...
What did that jerk-off write?
Hey, consider yourself fired!
The sky is so blue
reflecting off the ocean.
I measure temperature,
pressure, and dew point.
I'll be back
before the monsoon season.
Let's name it Ilja if it's a boy
and Vlasta if it's a girl.
I miss you.
Yours, Fleischman.