Graveyard Shark (2024) Movie Script

1
(dark dramatic music)
(crickets chirp)
(footsteps shuffle)
- I don't know. This isn't
such a good idea, guys.
Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby, Tila.
What, are you afraid of the
big, bad Graveyard Shark?
(tongue ululates) (Chad laughs)
- You're such an ass, Brad.
- Yeah, but you love it, Beth.
Don't worry, baby.
I'll keep you safe from the
big, bad Graveyard Shark.
Besides, it's just a story they tell kids
to keep 'em from fucking around
and drinking in this old ass graveyard.
- You sure? - Would I lie to you?
(tense music)
- Yo. You coming, Chad?
- I will be in a minute.
Come on, baby. Live a little.
- [Beth] So what exactly
is a Graveyard Shark?
You don't know about the Graveyard Shark?
No, not really.
I mean, I'm kind of a new
kid to the area, remember?
I only moved here a few months ago.
- Oh, shit, you're right.
Baby, you're in for a treat.
Chad, you gotta tell her the story.
Gotta tell the story.
She doesn't wanna hear the story.
Just thinking about it freaks me out.
I don't know. I kind of wanna know.
I'm into that freaky, weird shit.
I don't know, babe.
It sounds like she wants to hear the story.
Let me tell you.
It was, (throat clears) it
was a dark and stormy night
when a fisherman caught
something in his net.
It wasn't just a creature
but a grotesque abomination
covered in scales,
eyes black as pitch, a gaping
maw used to tear asunder.
The fisherman, fearing
what it was that he caught,
buried the creature here in this graveyard,
hoping that the sacred
grounds would purify its soul.
- Hate this story. - So that's it? (laughs)
I don't know what there is to be scared of.
Oh, no, no. I wish that was it.
They say that sometimes
you can still see a fin bobbing
in between the graves.
There was a family had a picnic right here,
and they were found dead,
torn apart, ripped limb from limb.
So the town went into a panic.
They locked up the graveyard
to keep whatever was in from getting out,
and the Graveyard Shark waits, lurking,
hoping someone foolish
will enter his domain.
(Brad cries out) (women gasp)
(Brad laughs)
- Nice one, Brad.
- You're such a fucking dick.
I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.
All right.
I think it's enough of all
that spooky talk for now.
Yes, right. That's good.
It's time to get freaky deaky!
(upbeat electronic music) (group cheers)
- Have I mentioned how I
fucking love this girl? (laughs)
- To be young and carefree.
- Oh, (laughs) no.
You have another thing coming
if you think we're getting all freaky deaky
in this graveyard.
Are you sure there's nothing I can do
to make you change your mind? - No.
Are you ready, baby?
For me to bring that thunder down under?
Just shut up and give it to me already.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(Graveyard Shark roars) (Brad cries out)
(soft eerie music)
Brad?
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Brad! I told you spooky
time is over with, Brad!
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Can you just come on and fuck me already?
(dark dramatic music)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(Beth screams)
Did you hear that? That sounds like Beth.
- It's just Brad and Beth.
They're fucking around.
No, it doesn't sound like fucking around.
What if their hurt? They could be hurt for-
They're fine, baby. Come here.
Seriously, okay?
All right, I'll go, but when I get back,
this is going in that oh so
sweet mouth hole of yours.
- Okay, we'll see. - Fucking cock block.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Did you hear that? - What?
Hello? Hello?
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Oh, what the fuck? Oh, fuck, Beth.
(Tila screams) (dramatic music)
(Graveyard Shark roars)
Oh, fuck!
(Chad and Tila scream)
Tila, run!
(flesh squelches) (Chad shrieks)
(Tila whimpers and sobs)
No!
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(Tila screams) (Graveyard Shark growls)
(flesh squelches and rips)
(Graveyard Shark roars)
- Have you spotted a
big hairy creature lurking
in the woods?
(tense music)
Or maybe your b-beach
getaway is being interrupted
by unknown sea creatures,
or maybe your livestock's brains
are being sucked out by Chupacabra.
You can give us a call for that, too.
Go on, I can't hear you! - My God!
Don't take off the mask! You're Bigfoot!
Because we investigate everything strange
and bizarre from unknown creatures
to spooky paranormal activity.
What about aliens, man?
What are you gonna do
about the existence of UFOs?
- Don't be weird,
buster. Aliens aren't real.
We're here to solve the
real mysteries of the world.
I, I don't understand. It doesn't
even make narrative sense
for you to be that close.
If you've got monster problems,
give us a call, and
we'll kick 'em in the balls.
Well, what do you think?
I, it's got a few kinks,
but I think it's got some charm to it.
Pretty cool. - Okay, Greg, I'm not really,
I don't really think there's
a nice way to say this,
but that's, that video's
like kind of dog shit.
Like, did you try? Your Bigfoot
head fell off in the middle.
That's, that's bad.
That's like actively bad.
Abby, I worked all night on this.
Mother got upset with
me that I skipped dinner
to finish working on it. - Okay, whatever.
Post it, I guess,
but honestly, if this does
not drive up business,
we're probably gonna have to call it quits
- Call it quits? - or whatever.
Why would we call it quits?
- Well, Greg, I don't really
know if you've noticed,
but the monster hunting business
isn't really like a lucrative one,
which I probably should've known
when my guidance counselor laughed at me
for three minutes straight
when I said I wanted
to major in cryptozoology, but-
- I, I've been meaning to
ask you about that, Abby.
What, what is cryptozoology?
I, it's just that Mother's
been pestering me and, well-
Are you for real right now, dude?
Cryptozoology is a pseudoscience
that studies and tracks down legendary
or extinct creatures
whose current existence
is either unknown or unsubstantiated.
Duh. So you can tell your
bitch ass mother Debbie that.
- No, no. Unsubstantiated. - Uh huh, yeah.
You're doing that thing
where you nod your head
like you know what I'm saying,
but I could totally tell you don't,
and I have to tell you this, too.
If your butt didn't look so
cute in your little work pants,
I probably would've
fired you a long time ago.
We are hunting down creatures, okay?
Like Bigfoot, the yeti, the,
the Fresno Nightcrawlers,
the, the Loch Ness Monster,
the Loveland frog man,
the Squonk, the, the, the, Werebear, the,
- The Graveyard Shark?
- The Graveyard Shark.
Wait, what? - Abby Westcott.
My name is Dr. Jan Lovnik,
and I'm here to hire you to help deal
with our town's Graveyard Shark problem.
- Graveyard Shark?
That is a, it's a new one.
There have been eyewitness reports
of a shark-like creature that
haunts our town's graveyard.
Recently, four teenagers
went into the graveyard
and disappeared with no sign of them.
Local authorities say it's all hoax,
that there's nothing to worry about,
that is all just a case of mass hysteria.
- Well, that is typical
of a coverup, isn't it?
So what can you tell us
about the eyewitness reports?
I think it would be better
if you heard from the survivors yourself.
I'm a therapist.
I lead a support group
for the victims of the Graveyard Shark.
I would like to invite you to come in,
sit down with them, and
hear their stories yourself.
We have a meeting coming up tomorrow.
Okay.
I really hope you can make it.
Yeah, I mean, we're busy,
but we can try to make something-
But we're not.
We're not doing anything. - Shut up.
Yeah, we're very busy, but we'll be there.
We'll, we'll make it work.
I hope we'll see you tomorrow.
[Abby] Yeah.
- Have a good day. - You, too.
Oh my God, Greg, this is it!
This is, this is our big
break. Pack the bags.
We're going monster
hunting. Let's go right now.
Let's go, let's go. - Just a quick message
- No, no, no, no, no, no! - to my mother.
- Fuck Debbie. Gimme that. - Let-
- Come on, let's go. - Ow!
We gotta go now. I, come on!
[Reporter] This is MF Radio News,
and we interrupt your regular programming
for a breaking news report.
Four teenagers have gone
missing over the weekend
in the quiet town of Willsboro Point.
The last known location
was near the old graveyard,
sending shockwaves through the community.
Authorities are scrambling
to piece together the events
leading up to their disappearance.
We reached out to Sheriff McDermott
for a statement on the situation.
When asked about the missing teenagers,
he assured us that law
enforcement is doing everything
in their power to locate them.
Pressed further about
any potential foul play,
Sheriff McDermott offered
a cautious response.
The sheriff concluded the interview
by issuing a warning to the public.
As we wait further
updates from the authorities,
we urge residents to remain vigilant
and report any information
that may aid in locating
these missing teenagers.
(doors open) (dramatic music)
(door slams)
(doors clatter)
Let's go a little easier on the.
(door rattles)
- Goddammit, Greg. - Sorry.
It's almost 20 people missing.
- Yeah. - Graveyard Shark's horrible.
(people whisper indistinctly)
- They're probably okay.
- All right, everyone.
Let's take our seats and get started.
Greg, you a Graveyard Shark survivor?
No donuts for you, okay?
Those are for survivors.
- Sorry. - You're just a guy.
Like are you kidding me?
- Take your seats please. - Sorry.
- No. - I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Group, today we have a
very special guest joining us.
This is Abby Westcott.
She's a specialist in the
weird, abnormal creatures.
I ask her to join us here today
so that she could hear your stories
and get a better
understanding of what it is
that you're going through
and hopefully provide some answers.
- Thank you guys so much
for sharing your stories with me.
I'm really hoping that I can
maybe provide some answers
and understand what you guys
are going through a little bit more.
Thank you.
So, who would like to start us off today?
- My name's Chip, Chip Conners, and-
- It's okay, Chip. We're in
a safe space here, all right?
- I'm a survivor of a
Graveyard Shark attack.
It's been two years since it happened.
My girlfriend, Ginger,
thought it would be romantic
to have a picnic in the graveyard.
(soft piano music)
Ginger, it has been the most
amazing 132 days with you.
- It really has been the best
132 days of my entire life.
Ginger, I've, I've been thinking.
- Yes? - Ginger,
there's nobody else in the whole world
that I would rather spend the
rest of my life with than you.
Ginger Eloise. - Oh.
- Will you marry me? - Oh, yes!
Yes, Chip Conners! I will marry you!
Oh. Oh my God.
Oh. Oh.
And now I think it's time
that I gave you a little gift as well.
Oh.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
(Ginger screams) (flesh squelches and rips)
I panicked. I just froze there.
As I watched the Graveyard
Shark eat her whole
in front of me, I couldn't move!
I couldn't breathe!
The person I just decided to
spend the rest of my life with
was eaten by a shark
in front of me, and I, I-
- Chip, Chip, it's okay.
We're all safe here.
What do we say?
- I'm not prey. I'm a survivor,
and I will not be eaten.
Everyone join in.
[Unison] I'm not prey.
I'm a survivor, and I will not be eaten.
Very good. Thank you, Chip.
Sadie, how about you share your story next?
Sure. I don't mind going next.
My name is Sadie. I'm a
model if you can't already tell.
You can follow me on my
Fans account, Sadiebaby6412.
It's for the research, the research.
- I went out to the
graveyard a few months ago
as part of like a spooky
Halloween shoot for my Fans page.
(soft music) (camera beeps and clicks)
Yeah, that's it. Move to the left.
That's the stuff, Sadie baby.
(soft up-tempo guitar music)
Let's slowly pull up that sheet.
You're killing it. These
are freaking amazing.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(tense dramatic music)
Shark!
(photographer screams)
(flesh squelches and rips)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(Graveyard Shark roars)
And it was just really fucked up
how that Graveyard Shark
just up and ruined my shoot,
you know? - Ruined.
- I'm still waiting on the
edits from the photographer.
I mean, it's been months
now. How unprofessional.
Sadie, the photographer is dead.
- That sounds like a her
problem, not a me problem.
- All right, thank you so
much for sharing, Sadie.
I see we have someone
new in our group today.
Would you like to introduce yourself?
Oh, hey. I'm Doug.
My friends call me Doug or Doug.
- Hi, Doug. - Sup. So check it.
Me and my friend Pookie,
who definitely isn't my
drug dealer or anything,
we went for a little walk
after a little of that Downtown
Brown Donna Juana.
(toy creaks)
You know what would go good
with this Sweet Fuzzy Lady, Pookie?
- Some of that sweet
ass Cow Cream Freezies?
Hell yeah.
I'm talking that two-scoop sticky situation
with the dome a la mode.
- Oh, you mean that
Eskimo Blow Triple Friple
Goober Berry Sunrise Waffle Cone Job?
- I mean that Mississippi
Mud Pie Cone or Bone
Maggie Moose Filthy Sundae.
Oh, you know what I'm thinking.
Lay it on me, Pookie.
- Two guys, one cup. - Two guys.
[Unison] One cup.
- Vanilla and strawberry. - Go!
[Unison] Scoop, scoop, yeah!
(singer sings indistinctly) (Pookie laughs)
Oh!
Toast. - Toast.
Chocolate secrets are missing the dark
Ice cream, lick it with my
tongue, I won't be left hot
- Ah! - Oh yeah.
That is, I bet you I can top that.
Ecstasy
Oh, we playing a game of horse?
We playing a game of horse? I got that.
(laughs) That's good ice cream!
(Doug moans) (singer sings indistinctly)
I, I'm sorry,
but what does any of this have
to do with a Graveyard Shark?
- What's a Graveyard Shark?
- Are you kidding?
We've all been sitting around here talking
about this horrible monster who's killed,
murdered people we all know and care for.
Speak for yourself.
I don't even know the photographer's name.
Okay. That's besides the point.
The point is he's a killer,
and he will kill again.
(pen scribbles)
- Mm-hmm, well, that ain't
the smartest thing I heard all
through this little stupid ass meeting
'cause I warned y'all.
Didn't I warn y'all? I warned
all y'all crazy white folks.
I warned you. I warned you.
I know I warned your
dumb ass sitting right there.
Oh, I definitely warned
this bitch right here,
but I warned all of y'all just
like I warned, look it here,
all these stupid white
folks on this wall right here!
I warned this bitch. She ain't listen.
Where she at now? Worm food, motherfucker!
I warned her. I especially warned his ass.
His ass sitting up here like,
"Ooh, ain't no shark gonna get me."
Guess what? Shark got
the motherfucker, didn't it?
Sure as shit did.
I warned them just
like I'm warning y'all white motherfuckers!
But you ain't listening!
Instead of hauling and
getting the fuck up outta here,
y'all sitting up in here talking
about what the Graveyard
Shark done did now.
"Oh, the Graveyard Shark done took my mama.
The Graveyard Shark done took my daddy.
The Graveyard Shark shark
this. The Graveyard Shark there."
Respectfully, you can
suck my dick from the back,
expeditiously, no condom.
Slurp, slurp, motherfucker. Slurp, slurp.
If you were smart,
you'd get your dumb
asses the hell up outta here
before you fuck around and find out!
You know what?
Miss White Lady, is these
donuts, are they free?
- Yes, yes, please.
- I'm gonna take take them.
- Take them all. - Thank you.
(people speak indistinctly)
Y'all don't listen.
Gonna be one ear and
out the other with y'all.
How do you open this damn door? Unlock.
- It's a push. - Unlock!
Just gotta push.
- Do I push or pull?
- Push the metal bar, please.
Thank you. - All right.
Thank you all. God bless.
You have a good day. Toodles.
Who was that jackass?
Oh, that's Captain Isaac Seyburn.
He's kind of a local fisherman
who goes around yelling
at people and warning them
about the Graveyard Shark.
He does it every week.
I think it's for the donuts.
Anyway, everybody, let's grab hands.
Repeat after me. I'm not prey.
[Unison] I'm not prey.
I'm a survivor, and I will not be eaten.
- I think we'll conclude
our session here today.
Thank you all.
Do you mind if I say something?
- Oh, sure. - Great.
Thank you guys for sharing
your stories with me today.
Really want you to know
that I know what you're going through,
and I know how it feels to have somebody
that you really care about get
horribly mauled and murdered
in front of you by an indescribable horror.
When I was a little girl,
my dad got completely eviscerated
in front of me by a, a monster,
a monster that I couldn't
describe at the time
and, and I still really can't.
No one had ever seen anything like it.
It was a monster,
and everyone thought
that I was making it up,
that it was something that I made up
to avoid the reality of the situation,
but I know, I know that the reality is
is that there are monsters in this world,
and I know they're real.
So I've dedicated my life to cryptozoology,
studying these monsters,
these legends, and these myths.
I'm gonna get the answers,
I'm gonna get the evidence,
and I'm gonna, I'm gonna
get rid of this Graveyard Shark,
and I'm gonna, I'm gonna
put an end to this reign of terror
that's gripping all of you, I promise.
Okay.
(Greg claps)
- Okay. - Abby. Truly moving.
- Thanks, Greg. - My eyes are welling up.
- Yeah, it's really embarrassing
when just one guy claps,
so. - But I thought they
- would've joined, but they,
- Okay, well, they didn't.
- They, no. - So, yeah.
- Abby, if there's
anything I can do to help,
just please let me know. - Great.
Well, I think it's time we need
to visit the scene of the crime.
Okay. I will show you the way.
Great.
(contemplative music) (birds chirp)
- Well, let's just keep an eye
out and be careful in there.
While I don't believe there is
actually a Graveyard Shark,
I do believe we should
exercise some caution.
- Well, if you don't believe
there's a Graveyard Shark,
what do you think is going on?
I don't know. Maybe police is right.
Maybe it is a case of mass hysteria.
People who are trauma
bonded by horrific events
have created this collective
image in their heads
of a shark eating their loved ones,
all to mask themselves from grief.
I had a colleague with a patient
who thought that he was a panda.
He lived his life as one,
all to just avoid facing the
truth about losing his parents.
- Okay, doctor, that's
an interesting theory,
but that's all it is, a theory.
I'm here to uncover the
truth about what's going on.
- All right. - Well,
seems like a pretty normal graveyard to me.
- Yeah, well, it would to a
simpleton like you, Greg,
but if you use your eyes,
you would see that
this place is not kept up.
I, I mean, the grass is
overgrown. It's almost abandoned.
The roads are destroyed.
People are kept outta here.
They're scared of this
place. Get the camera ready.
Come on, let's go. - Oh.
- Let's go. - Hey!
- Come on! Keep walking.
- I'm working on it. Hold on.
And we're rolling!
Abby, the Monster Hunter here.
I am in a small fishing
village on the shores
of Lake Champlain in
a cemetery that is said
to be the hunting grounds
for the horrible creature the locals
are calling the Graveyard Shark.
The locals are describing this as something
out of the darkest
fantasies of HP Lovecraft,
a humanoid shark beast
with a giant shark fin,
a slippery skin,
and a mouth that would
put a great white to shame.
It's my duty to you, my fans and followers,
to uncover the truth about the mystery
of this Graveyard Shark. - Hello? Hello?
Yes, this is her. (scoffs)
No, no, I'm good with
my car's current warranty.
Thank you very much. I've
had enough of these calls.
(Graveyard Shark growls) (dramatic music)
This place of giving me the jeepy creepies.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Hello?
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Hello? Is anybody there?
(Graveyard Shark growls) (Jan screams)
That sounded like the doctor.
Maybe she fell and got hurt?
Greg, come on. That's so stupid.
Let's go check on her.
(flesh squelches and rips) (Jan screams)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(claws slice) (flesh squelches)
(claws slice) (flesh squelches)
(Graveyard Shark roars)
What in the devil was that?
[Greg And Abby] Graveyard Shark!
- Get that camera rolling.
Maybe we can get it on film.
Come on. - Yes, yes, yes, yes.
And we're rolling!
We just heard what
could be the deathly growl
of the Graveyard Shark
right on the other side
of these woods, so you guys follow us.
(tense music)
Oh my God. Oh.
Greg, cut the camera. Call 911.
Fuck, fuck! Oh my God, okay.
All right, okay, all right.
Okay, we're gonna apply pressure. Okay.
No, you're gonna be
fine. You're gonna be okay.
We'll just, we'll put these back, okay?
It's okay. You're gonna be fine.
Let's put it back and-
(blood spurts and squelches) (Jan gags)
Okay, we'll just put this
back, and you'll be fine.
- It's real, the-
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
(dramatic music with vocals)
Fuck!
Fuck!
(dramatic rock music)
We've searched this graveyard over,
and there's no sign of a shark, ma'am.
Now you wanna tell me the real reason
why you were trespassing?
This is a closed off area.
My story remains the same, officer.
The doctor hired us to
investigate the Graveyard Shark,
and she was attacked and killed by it.
- And you say you saw this
so-called Graveyard Shark?
- No, we didn't see it, but
we heard this creature sound.
It sounded a bit like ruhr.
So you heard a, a monster sound.
Is that right? - Yeah.
- Anything else? - Yeah!
When, when she was dying, she said,
"It's real, the graveyard."
- She said what now?
- Well, I think she was trying
to say, "It's real, the Graveyards Shark."
But she didn't actually say it.
No, she didn't get to finish it because
- Uh huh. - she died, so.
Sheriff, can I have a word for a moment?
Sure thing, Deputy. Wait here.
- Mm-hmm. Not liking this at all.
- It's like they're not
even trying to listen to us.
I gave him a monster sound and everything.
- Yeah, it's probably best
if you never do that again.
- I thought it would help.
- It definitely didn't.
Well, I mean, all evidence is pointing
towards a bear attack. - A bear attack.
- Are you even listening to us?
- Oh, I'm listening.
Now you said you, you heard,
what was that sound again?
- Ruhr. - Yeah.
See, that sounds like a bear to me.
- Now that I think about
it, it does sound like a bear.
He might be right.
This area's known for bear attacks.
There's a den just over
the mountains over there,
and they come down here, they get hungry,
and they start rummaging for food and such.
Okay, well what about all the reports
of shark attacks in this area? - Really?
Now that's just some
old town folklore meant
to scare the kids.
Now, honestly, do you
see any water around here?
- No. - How is a shark supposed
to thrive and survive without water?
Well... Now,
before you say another word,
I'm gonna give you nice folks a chance
to walk away and go home, all right?
Now, I'm not gonna press any charges.
I'm gonna need this for evidence though.
(Greg whimpers)
But I tell you what, if
I see you here again,
y'all gonna be knee
deep in a world of trouble.
You got that? - Yes, officer.
Good. Now go on, get.
We've got some real police work to handle.
[Abby] Okay.
Now we don't have time
to be chasing imaginary shark monsters.
Yep.
Thank you? So what now?
Probably a change of clothes
and a hot shower and I don't know.
This is really fucking fishy,
and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.
- Really fishy. Wait,
bears like to eat fish.
Maybe it's something's connected here.
Oh my God. Knock it the fuck off, Greg.
I'm...
- Deputy Amendolare,
Campbell, I leave cleanup to you.
I've got some business
to handle at the station.
Don't fuck off like you did last time.
- Yes, sir. - Get it done. Hurry back.
Yes, sir. You know you could count on us.
I mean it.
- Why you always gotta
mess with the sheriff?
The sheriff's a dick, all right?
He talks out of his ass,
and he always leaves
us with the shit details.
I mean, sir, look at this, look at this.
Literally shit-filled intestines.
Are you kidding me?
- This is-
- Can't we just leave
it here and let it rot?
I mean, I'm sure the bear's gonna come back
for it anyway, huh?
Do you honestly think a bear did this?
Seriously? Who cares, okay?
I'm too sober for this shit anyway.
- Well, I have an idea.
- Yeah? What's that?
How about you and me have a little fun?
Okay. What'd you have in mind, huh?
How about you pound this ass,
and then we'll smoke this grass?
Okay.
(both laugh) (tense brooding music)
Told you I was fucking naughty. (laughs)
(Deputy Amendolare chuckles and moans)
Take that.
But you know Mommy
likes when I'm in charge.
Oh! Easy.
Ooh, but you like it.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(Deputy Campbell chuckles)
There. Stay.
Ooh, okay. You bringing the cuffs in?
Yeah. Are you my pet right now?
You know I am.
(dramatic music) (cuffs click)
(both giggle) (Graveyard Shark growls)
(both pant and moan)
[Radio Host] Welcome,
fellow seekers of the
mysterious and unknown,
to another episode of
"Cryptozoology Chronicles."
(tense music)
(water splashes)
And, if you will, a world
where the boundaries
between human and animal blur,
where creatures of myth
walk among us disguised
in the skin of men.
If werewolves exist,
what other were-creatures
might lurk in the shadows?
Could there be were-pigs
roaming the countryside
under the light of the full
moon or perhaps were-deer
with antlers that pierce
the veil between worlds?
And then there's a notion of
something even more sinister,
were-bears.
(water splashes)
You see, Abby, we have a responsibility
to the people to discover new forms of life
and uncover this world's mysteries.
- But hasn't everything
already been discovered, Dad?
Modern science has barely begun
to scratch the surface of what's out there.
We discover 15,000 new
species of plants, animals,
- and insects every year.
- That is pretty cool.
- This world is a vast one
full of many mysteries, Abby,
and let's not forget what
lies beyond our world.
Have a look around.
(footsteps shuffle)
Could this be wolfsbane?
(tense dramatic music)
No, no, it...
(creature roars) (dramatic
suspenseful music)
(blood spurts) (dad cries out)
(young Abby screams)
(Abby screams)
- Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa!
- Greg, what the fuck? - Sorry!
I, I heard you were screaming.
There was a panic attack.
Greg, have you heard of knocking?
- I, I'm sorry! I was concerned
about your wellbeing!
- Give me, give me a
fucking towel. Get the fuck out.
There's a message on the,
on the message board for you.
- Okay, get out! - Sorry.
- God, I needed that. - Yeah.
Well, you know, whenever
I'm on duty, I please that booty.
Mm, that you sure do. (laughs)
So can you uncuff me now?
- Uncuff you? - Yeah. Uncuff me.
- What? You don't wanna
go round two, officer?
I do. Not like this.
You know you like it when I'm naughty.
Yeah, I do.
- I might just have to
do like cavity search.
(laughs) The fuck you are.
- I'm just joking, you big
baby. Now where are my keys?
- You're fucking joking, right?
You better have those keys.
Oops. I don't know if I can find them.
(Deputy Campbell groans)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(tense dramatic music)
- What was that? - What was what?
I heard something moving over there.
- Who's out there? - Hello?
- Are you fucking with me?
- No. I heard something.
(Deputy Amendolare screams)
(Graveyard Shark roars)
What the fuck?
Let her go! Let her go! - Help me!
Dammit, let her go!
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(Deputy Amendolare screams)
Come on!
(Deputy Amendolare screams)
(flesh squelches and rips)
Let her go!
(Graveyard Shark slurps and chews)
Whoa! (groans)
(flesh squelches and rips) (blood spurts)
(Graveyard Shark roars)
Okay, okay. Professional.
- So about before, I was...
You know what? It's fine.
It's actually okay if we
never talk about that again
and actually if you forget
everything that you saw.
That's cool, too. - Of course.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. Zip zap zop.
(mouth beeps and
whistles) Control alt delete.
Yeah, that was... Just like that.
[Abby] Yeah.
- Are you sure we want
to delete? It's deleted.
- You are a weird and off-putting man.
I don't know if you've been
told that enough in your life.
Okay, weirdo.
So what was this message
you wanted to show me?
- Oh, right here. Just
showed up on the fan page.
Okay, let's see.
"I tried to warn you, but you
didn't listen. Nobody listens."
Now the Graveyard Shark
has claimed another victim.
"If you really do seek
the truth," all caps,
"let the Graveyard Shark
come to O'Brien's Pub tonight,
and all will be revealed."
- Punctuation's terrible.
- Yeah. No, no, no.
But this is it though. This is it.
Real leads always
have terrible punctuation.
This is probably it. Okay, I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna follow this
up. I'm gonna get my stuff.
Let's go. Greg, come on, let's go!
Actually, it's getting a bit late,
and the drive here was exhausting.
I was going to turn in for the night.
Mother doesn't like me going out super late
in a unfamiliar place.
Just, I think I'll turn in
so we can get a fresh start tomorrow.
Okay, yep. Whatever, weirdo.
- I'll see you tomorrow then.
- And please be careful.
Yeah. Thanks, Mom.
(speaks indistinctly)
(people chatter indistinctly)
(singer sings indistinctly)
Is just raining through the windowpane
And wherever it goes
- What'll be? - Bourbon, neat.
Talking through the windowpane
- I ain't seen your face here
before. What brings you here?
- I'm meeting someone in
regards to the Graveyard Shark.
(record scratches) (dark tense music)
(dark tense music)
Okay, yeah. That's not
weird or ominous at all.
Great. Thanks, buddy.
(dark tense music)
So you're the one that messaged me?
- Mm-hmm. Have a seat, little girl.
I, I was planning on it. Whatever.
So you have information
about the Graveyard Shark?
(liquor sloshes) (tense music)
- That I do. Now you
seem like a smart little girl.
So if I were you, I'd
use that brain of yours
and get the hell up out this town
while your life and
your limbs are still intact
because I've seen the Graveyard Shark.
Oh yeah. (chuckles) I've
seen him on my own two eyes.
He's evil, he's unstoppable,
he's an abomination,
and it's because of me he exists.
What do you mean because of you?
Oh boy.
(liquor sloshes)
(Isaac gasps) (soft
eerie music with vocals)
Who's there? I got me a shotgun.
I'm not messing around.
I'm gonna shoot your ass.
(water laps)
(water splashes)
I'll be goddamned. I'm
either drunk as hell or..
It's really a fine ass
mermaid in front of me.
Hey there, sugar plum with your fine self.
What brings you around these parts?
(water splashes)
("Off the Hook Baby")
- You know what? Actually,
I don't really think that I need
to hear this weird story, so... No!
Now I got to tell you every specific
and detailed part of the story so you
can get a full and
better understanding of it.
- No, I'm really sure
we could skip like a lot
of the details. - So it was at this point
I lifted up her sweet ass tail.
You know what? Please don't.
Oh, please don't. Please don't do it.
- If it smells like fish,
eat up all you wish.
Come here, girl. - No, please stop.
Oh you, oh, you are doing it, please, oh.
I mean, can we just move on to what, oh.
In your ocean, baby,
and show you how I feel
You feel that
When I go up in your river
I feel that
Best believe I'll deliver
And get in the guts for real
For it's one by land and two by sea
I want you here right next to me
Off the hook, baby
Girl, you off the hook, baby
Oh, no excusin' if hands or butts
I wanna get up in the fishy guts
Off the hook, baby Hook, baby
Girl, you off the hook, baby
Ooh, baby, get that fishy ass over here
That's right
If it smells like cologne
What do we have here? Open Sesame.
I'm begging you, please do not presume
If it smells like potpourri
You better leave that coochie be
Or if it smells like fish,
you can eat up all you wish
I'm talking sea Sea
Bass
I'm gonna get up in
ass That's right
Gimme that fish Fish
That trout Trout
You know what I'm talking about
That's right (both pant and moan)
- Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. What's your social security?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
To the sea!
(butter splashes) Off the hook
- Oh, miss! More butter
for my lobster, please.
Okay, but please just be done
with the really weird, unnecessary-
- There we were, - Nope.
Laying there in the bliss
of our ungodly and adulterated
sex, just butt ass naked,
just sweating in each other's sex juices,
listening to the harmonious
sounds of the swamp
before she swam away, leaving me alone.
Okay, thank God.
So I don't know what this has to do
with the Graveyard Shark.
Can we please get back to that?
I searched for her everywhere!
- Okay. - Every night
and in hopes of getting
caught up in that sweet,
sweet tuna pussy once again.
Have you ever had tuna pussy before, miss?
- Nope. - Ooh, whoa!
You don't know what you
missing. Knock it till you try it.
Now that shit will have you caught up.
That shit will get you sprung.
That shit so good,
that shit nice and tight.
Shit sound like this. Sometimes
you gotta get up in there.
Gotta like that. You hear that?
Oh, here you go, baby.
Oh, oh, where we going?
[Abby] Are you gonna eat any of this
or just like finger it?
Oh, I don't waste no food now, baby.
(tense brooding music) (mermaid hums)
I don't believe it. Yeah,
I knew you'd come back!
I'll be damned. (laughs)
What you got there, girl?
Come on, lemme see. Quit playing.
The hell is that? - Our love child.
Bitch, the fuck it is.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
So now that child daddy now,
I'm gonna need your help raising my son.
I'm gonna need some
money. Babies aren't cheap.
(laughs) Don't think you're
just gonna be some sort
of a deadbeat father because
you live up on the land.
Right, right. True, true.
Well I'm gonna give you
this little motherfucker,
I mean, our love child.
I'm gonna go over this way
and grab that child support, okay?
But not for nothing,
but you sure it's mine?
Maybe there's some kind
of mistake or something.
No mistake.
Hey, I didn't mean it like that.
- You think I'm some ho?
- Hey, I ain't judging.
- You think I'm out there
letting other fishermen love
with my finest self? - Hey.
You've been gone for six months.
I don't know where the hell you-
- You are the only man
who been up my fish guts.
- I don't know. You could be saying any-
- Besides, look at him. - Yeah.
- He looks just like you.
- That's cat, bitch.
- So don't be telling me
some bullshit like it ain't yours.
- All right, you know
what? I don't wanna argue.
What I'm gonna do is get you this money.
We'll handle all the affairs later, okay?
I don't want no trouble, all right?
So let me just get you this money.
You want our 20s or 50
bills or what you, ah, bitch!
(spade thwacks) (flesh squelches)
(Graveyard Shark grunts)
(Isaac screams) (spade thwacks)
Jesus fucking Christ!
No, no. You don't get to judge me.
What laid before me
was the horrendous results
of consensual sex between
a man and a half fish.
Now I have stared into
the eyes of the devil,
its eyes so black and so cold,
its eyes staring right back at me,
staring right into the
depths of my very soul.
Now what the hell was
I supposed to do, huh?
Ashamed of what I did,
I decided it was best to
bury them in the graveyard
in the hopes that the holy
ground would help cleanse,
purify, and protect the world
from the, the ungodly act
that I performed with that mermaid,
no matter how erotic they were,
and that the ramifications
of our naughty, nasty sex
that created that demonic spawn
would stay buried for all of time.
Lord have mercy on me.
(footsteps shuffle) (fog hisses)
(shovel thuds)
(dirt thumps)
I thought my secret would stay buried
along with that bastard and his mother.
Somehow, he managed to cling to life
and dig himself up out of that hole
and stay in that graveyard
for many years with no trouble,
no incident at all until a few years.
A few years ago, the killing started.
You should be so ashamed of yourself.
This is all everything you've done.
This whole situation could've been avoided.
- (chuckles) You know,
I used to think that, too,
until the killing started
and I began to hear rumors
of this shark creature running
around, and believe you me,
I didn't believe it for one second either.
I thought it was all bullshit,
to be honest with you,
that is until I start searching myself.
(tense dramatic music) (fog hisses)
(woman and Isaac scream)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(flesh squelches)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
(body thuds)
You all right, bitch? Oh, damn.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
You better stay your ass,
stay your big ass over there!
No! Don't you creep!
Don't you, why you,
Jesus, he's so menacing!
Oh, Jesus, please! Oh, he's so sweaty!
Ow! Ow!
And there I was face
to face with the beast,
face to face with my son.
(tense brooding music)
Part of me wishes I had never knocked boots
with that fine ass mermaid,
laying this pipe deep
down into them fish guts.
Sometimes I ask myself,
"Was it worth it?" (chuckles)
But my biggest regret, well,
that's not killing that son of
a bitch when I had a chance.
- Okay, so what are you
gonna do about it now?
Have you tried contacting
the local authorities?
I tried.
Called the authorities,
warned the town folk,
but you know what they do?
Call me a drunkard,
label me as the local loony,
crazy Captain Isaac,
and still go up in that goddamn graveyard
where they get attacked,
and these sons of bitches
blame it on bear attacks.
So you know what I'm gonna
do? Not a goddamn thing.
I see. Okay, well, you know what?
If you're not gonna do something about it,
then I guess I'll have to.
So somebody else will have to go take care
of the monster that you created.
Well, you're gonna die if you do.
So if I was you,
I'd get my ass up outta
here while you could.
- Okay, well, I might die,
but I'm not running away.
I made a promise to myself
that I would not be a coward,
and I couldn't live with myself if I hid
from all the monsters in
this world behind a bottle.
So it's time for somebody to
stand up and do something.
So you know what?
You can just stay here
and fist your macaroni salad or whatever,
and I'll go deal with it.
Have a great night.
(tense music)
Lay it down, Poo. Lay it down.
Yeah.
Tutu, ah tutu
I said we fighting the
knife in the graveyard
And this shark
Got grenades, blades,
and AKs in the car
You don't wanna see
us, we'll be there after dark
Got a problem, I'ma pop up
Pookie gonna drop him
My team is gonna stop
him and losing this night
- Yeah. Let me take one.
- Go crazy then, Poo.
We're giving out
samples in the Dixie cup
Yeah 54 flavors
to fuck your shit up
What else
54 flavors to fuck your shit up
What else, yeah
54 flavors to fuck your shit up
- Woo! Get down. - Yeah!
Cone, scoop. - Scoop.
[Pookie And Doug] Sprinkles.
Yo, girl.
What's got you so flustered
like a banana nut cluster?
Are you talking to me?
- Who else would we
be talking to, little mama?
You look like you could use a little
of the old Colorado whipped cream.
One, no idea what you're talking about.
Two, I am full grown.
Three, I am definitely not your mom!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You look stressed is all.
I am stressed! It's been a day.
- Lay it all out like
dirty Neapolitan, girl.
- Okay, well, I just
found out the horrifying
and nightmarish truth
behind the Graveyard Shark.
What, that that loony fisherman guy
- fucked a fish creature?
- Yeah! Why do you know that?
Tells everyone that.
It's kind of a weird flex, right?
I mean, especially the part
where he murdered her with a shovel.
If I had a mermaid girlfriend,
I would treat her right.
I would take her to meet my parents.
I would do the dishes half the time,
which I imagine is pretty fucking easy
to do under the water,
and I wouldn't murder her!
I would go down on her like
a stinky snow cone, though,
because I am a generous lover.
It's often been said, "Can't
spell Pookie without two Os."
- Hell yeah, like nasty melt
tote a la mode flash cone.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I would just love
it so much if we could talk
about anything but going down on a mermaid.
- Hey, different strokes
for different folks.
I mean, who are we to judge what a man does
with a fish creature?
In the end, it's all just love.
Isn't that what's important?
Well, yeah. I mean, I guess.
Love is really what is
the most important thing.
- Yeah. - So.
All right, so now that you know the truth
about this Graveyard
Shark, what you gonna do?
That I don't know 'cause this
is really overwhelming and confusing.
Sounds like she could use a little advice
from the green goddess herself.
No, I'm overwhelmed and confused.
So I should probably keep a level head.
You know? - Oh.
- Trust in the process of
the mean green dragon
for a paradigm shifting
epiphany of botanical knowledge.
It's good. It's so good.
- Okay, this will help? Like-
- It's like vitamins
and shit. It's natural.
- It's natural and
healthy. It's from the earth.
Okay, yeah. Right, okay.
- There you go. - This is good for me.
Yeah. I knew she was cool.
- Right? - Right?
- Nice. - All right, yeah.
What's the worst that could happen, right?
- (laughs) Yeah, dude.
- I, I know what I'm doing.
I, I could do this myself - There you go.
- 'cause I've done it
many times obviously, so.
Rum and raisin, gonna be blazin'.
Sweet temptation
- Yummy! - Yeah.
(group giggles)
- [Pookie] I can't believe
they did that. (laughs)
(Abby speaks indistinctly)
- But I also feel good. - You know what?
What's great about not feeling good?
Yeah, because basically, it makes sense.
I'm good. How you doing, man?
(group chatters indistinctly and laughs)
[Distorted Voice] Abby.
(distorted mystical music) (Abby coughs)
- Abby, the time has come.
- Dad, is that really you?
It's a version of me made up
by your high as fuck subconscious.
I have missed you so much.
I don't know what to do right now.
Well, what is it I've always said?
That we have a responsibility
to the people to discover new life forms
and uncover the world's mysteries.
- We also have the
responsibility to protect them
from monsters that exist,
like a certain Graveyard Shark.
- Yeah, that's what I don't know
what to do something about.
I feel like there's nothing I can do.
Like, well, I couldn't protect
you or save you back then.
There's nothing that you could've done
to save me back then.
Please don't blame yourself for that.
You, my girl, have a
chance to do something now.
You have the power to
stop the Graveyard Shark.
How? Dad, I think I'm a weirdo.
I'm not special. - You not special?
Now that's a joke. You're my daughter.
You have everything you need
to stop the Graveyard Shark here and here.
You just gotta believe in yourself.
- Dad, don't go. - Abby,
you must destroy all monsters.
(fog hisses)
(soft sultry music)
- Oh yeah, yeah, I'm into
this. I'm definitely into this.
Okay, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Yeah, okay.
You're real. Oh, you're so hairy.
Yeah. Oh my god,
Bigfoot, I love you so much.
Hold on. Let me slip into
something more comfortable.
(Bigfoot groans)
Oh, okay. All right.
All right, ready? I'm gonna transform.
Ready?
Dee dee dee dee dee dee
(sound effects shimmer) (Bigfoot grunts)
Yeah! Okay, let's go.
(Abby growls)
(Abby gasps and pants) (Bigfoot growls)
Okay. All right.
I know that they call you Bigfoot,
but I wanna see if this is big, okay?
(Bigfoot grunts)
Okay, so looks like just no genitals.
(Bigfoot grunts)
Okay, nope. No, no, no, no.
It's fine, it's fine.
This is, this is still my fantasy,
so we're gonna make this work, okay?
(Bigfoot mumbles indistinctly)
You know, thank you for being
vulnerable and honest with me.
You know, who would've
expected it? Bigfoot's a bottom.
We're learning new things
every day. Lay down, Bigfoot.
Let's go. All right, okay.
So we'll just.
(lips spit)
(flesh squelches) (Bigfoot screams)
Yeah. All right.
You think I should just
sit on your face instead?
Yeah, okay. Come on. Let's do that.
(Abby sighs and moans)
This is way better than fisting you.
What the fuck, what
the fuck, what the fuck.
(Abby screams)
- Please tell me we didn't. - Didn't what?
Didn't, you know, you and me in the bed.
What are you doing with your hands?
- Touching and - I don't know
what you're trying to say. - bumping uglies
or scrumbling and...
What are you trying to say?
- Bed pressing and
please don't make me say it.
Did, Greg, did we have sex?
- Oh, ew! No. - Ew? Why are you ewing it?
- Mother wouldn't find
it appropriate, that's all.
What is wrong with you?
Okay. Also, what happened last night?
Because I have a really bad headache.
- I'll have you know, there's
nothing wrong with me.
Mother and I have confirmed
that I'm a perfectly normal,
rational thinking young
cub, thank you very much.
You strolled last night
very late with those two lads
covered in ice cream who
have absconded elsewhere.
You threw me outta the bed,
you grabbed the mask from the box,
and things got rather peculiar
between you and that mask.
- Okay, you can delete
those memories as well.
Pyoo! Gone.
Anywho,
anything good from last night
about the Graveyard Shark?
I, I did actually.
I discovered its origins,
and I think I sorted some stuff out,
and I know what we need to do next.
- And what is that?
- Find a way to kill it.
- Jesus, Henry! Have
some respect for your father.
It's Hendrick now, Mother.
God, I don't even know
why we come out here year.
Dad died six years
ago, and let's be honest,
he was an awful human.
Your father loved you more than anything.
- He never cared or gave
a crap to know the real me.
He didn't mean that. He loves you.
(tense brooding music)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Henry, come here!
(upbeat electronic music)
(tense brooding music)
What the?
(Graveyard Shark roars)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
(upbeat electronic music)
(dramatic music) (Graveyard Shark growls)
(upbeat electronic music)
(Graveyard Shark growls) (grass rustles)
Ma! You ready to go?
(tense dramatic music)
Ma. Where are you?
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(Henry screams) (body thuds)
(Henry screams) (blood squelches)
(flesh squelches and rips)
(soft tense music)
(Sheriff McDermott sighs)
- Deputy Amendolare, what's your 10-20?
Deputy Campbell report in.
Goddamn, if they're fucking off again,
there's gonna be hell to pay.
I can't leave them numbskulls alone
for one minute and do a goddamn thing.
(tense dramatic music)
Campbell, is that you messing around?
(slow dramatic music)
Time to start going through
resumes again. Damn bears.
(tense music)
- [Ghost Dad] Abby, you
must destroy all monsters.
Okay, time to face my fears.
(footsteps thud)
- So you ready for this? - I am.
It's time to put an end to
this monster's reign of terror.
You don't have to do this alone.
What are you guys doing here?
These two over here told us you were here
and that you're going
after the Graveyard Shark.
We want in. - No, no, no, no.
It is way too dangerous.
What, and it's not too dangerous for you?
- How about it, Pookie? - No.
That is to say no thank
you very much. I'm good.
We are survivors of the Graveyard Shark.
We are doing this for everyone we know
who's fallen to him.
We wanna do this for the doctor.
- For the doctor. - For the doctor.
For the doctor.
For the doctor.
What was it the doctor would always say?
[Unison] I am not prey.
I am a survivor, and I
and I will not be eaten.
Cat!
That's cat. That's fake
news, bitch! (laughs)
Did I come at a bad time,
or y'all still doing y'all
little stupid ass chants?
- Yeah, no, we're all
just surprised to see you
'cause we all thought
you'd just be drinking
and crying still. - (gasps) Oh!
Well, appears that I've
run out of the good shit.
(bottle clatters)
So if y'all done dillydallying,
I figured we'd get down to some business.
I created this monster.
It's only right that I
help put and end to it,
but y'all don't look strapped up.
Y'all don't look like y'all
got none of that fire power.
We've got some, so aye, aye, captain.
[Isaac] All right, let's do it, baby.
(upbeat rock music)
All right, let's strap up.
(Isaac grunts)
(hedge clippers snip)
(chains clink)
Okay, so this graveyard is huge.
We're gonna have to split into teams
so we can cover all the ground.
Greg and Sadie, you're
gonna go to the north part.
There's a lot of woods up there,
and those trees are
gonna diminish visibility.
So you guys really have
to have each other's backs
and keep an eye out.
Doug and Chip, the southern part.
Now be careful because
there's a pond down there
that obviously the
shark could be living in.
So stay away from that.
Captain, you're with me.
We're gonna go right to
the center of the graveyard.
That's where the mausoleum
is and lots of old structures,
any of which could house a
lair for the Graveyard Shark.
(Isaac grunts)
Be carefully vigilant.
If you run into him,
please send out a signal
so everybody knows.
We'll all reconvene because only together
- can we defeat this monster.
- You can count on us.
(music distorts in slow motion to a stop)
(Isaac grunts) (gate creaks)
Push it because that's a
push. What do you not get?
- I got it. I thought I'd kick it,
make me look more badass.
(soft eerie music) (birds caw)
All right then, captain,
what made you have
your big change of heart?
'Cause I thought you'd still
be at the bottom of a bottle.
- Oh hush, girl, you don't
know nothing about me,
and I was gonna get around to it.
I just never got around to it, that's all.
Wanna know the truth?
I, I was a little scared, yes.
I'm man enough to own up
to that. I admit it right now.
That's kind of how
life's always been for me.
Things get a little,
little scary, a little,
little complicated, a little rough.
I usually run away, turn
to the bottle as a crutch,
but just seeing the look of hope
on y'all faces just lit a fire under me,
made me feel like I can do this damn thing.
If I gotta kill my own son or
even die myself in the process
to ensure that you or
anybody else doesn't suffer
at the fate of that damn Graveyard Shark,
then, then goddammit, so be it.
Okay, captain, you know what?
That was almost an inspiring speech.
So I want you to know
your intentions are noble,
- and nobody's gonna die today.
- No, that's where you wrong.
See, I said I was gonna try to make sure
that that Graveyard
Shark don't kill us all.
Don't mean that ain't nobody gonna die.
Somebody gonna die. - No, we have a plan.
We're ready for it.
- As my grand mama
LaRenda used to say, she said,
"Son, somebody gonna
get that asshole eaten."
- That's not how people die. - "Son."
"Somebody gonna get that asshole eaten."
- Yeah, I heard you the
first time, and I'm still telling,
that's... Son.
Don't do that.
Hmm, asshole eaten.
- Yeah. I get it. - Let's go.
- So ass eating is actually not a-
- It means death. - No, no, no.
I think you'd actually really like it
if we talked about it a little more.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Again, you're missing out.
(tense brooding music)
Suppose we're supposed to be
around here according to the map.
Hey, it's, it's going to be all right.
Just, just stay close to
me and I can keep you safe.
So are you and Abby a couple?
Well, she, she and I, I, no, no.
She's my, she's my boss.
She's my boss, she's my boss.
Does that mean you're single?
I, I suppose yes, yes, technically.
What is a big strapping hunk
of a man like you doing single?
Oh, Mother won't let me date.
It's better that I am
remain single. You coming?
Yeah. Just don't kill me, creep.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
So there we were, me and Pookie,
about to get some of
that St. Louis soft serve
from our Persian goddess when we were hit
with the Coogie Bay Special from Dairy Dan,
the ice cream man.
It was all right, but it
was no Oklahoma Sundae
from Maggie Moose Fluffy Penguin.
You know what I'm saying? - No, no.
I have no idea what you're saying.
I don't think anybody does.
Can we, can we please just
focus on the task at hand?
We got this like Sticky Wilbur.
- That looks like the
pond that was on the map.
- Yo, this looks like a
double scoop of Bone Chiller
that has cream on the inside,
clean on the outside sort of vibe.
(tense music)
I would like to avoid finding out
what's on the inside at all costs.
(water laps) (Graveyard Shark growls)
- Captain, look. - I see.
Yeah, that's leading
right through there, too.
So tell me, little girl,
how many creatures you
actually came face to face with?
Quick. - Okay, well,
technically just one, and
it was a long time ago.
My dad got murdered by
a creature in front of me,
so just since then,
I've just been trying to
prove their existence.
Ugh!
- Still fresh. - Ew.
Well, I'm sorry for your loss,
but we gonna get you
your first kill tonight!
- Okay. - You ready?
- I am. - You kill 'em, I fuck 'em.
That's what I say. (laughs)
Not necessarily in that order.
(laughs)
Okay.
(birds chirp) (footsteps shuffle)
(Graveyard Shark roars)
What was that?
I've heard that sound before,
but I was told by a lovely police officer
that's the sound a bear makes.
- Have you ever heard
a bear sound like that?
- Well, Mother sometimes
gets cranky in the, nevermind.
We should just keep moving.
We might be getting closer.
(tense guitar music) (footsteps shuffle)
(Graveyard Shark roars)
Please tell me that you heard that.
Yes indeedy.
Do you think it was the Graveyard Shark?
Undeniably.
(tense dramatic music)
(chains clink)
(Doug and Chip yell)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
(body thuds) (Chip groans)
(punch thuds) (Doug grunts)
You don't wanna do
me. (speaks indistinctly)
Fuzzy Blizzard Fudgie Wudgie.
You have taken everything away from me!
This is for Ginger!
(Graveyard Shark growls) (punch thuds)
(chains clink)
(Graveyard Shark growls) (chains clink)
Quick, shoot the flare!
It'll alert the others!
(flare pops) (punch thuds)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
I'm not prey. I'm a survivor,
and I'll not be eaten.
I'm not prey. I'm a survivor,
and I'll not be eaten!
(Graveyard Shark roars) (dramatic music)
(water splashes)
(Chip whimpers)
(dramatic music) (Chip whimpers)
(Graveyard Shark roars) (water splashes)
(water burbles)
(tense music) (footsteps shuffle)
- Look up at the sky!
- That's a signal all right.
- Do you think that that
means that they found them?
Must be.
Judging by the trajectory,
it came from the south.
We should go see if they need a hand.
You just stay close to
me and I'll keep you safe.
I like this version of Greg. So fearless.
- I bet Mother would be proud.
- (laughs) Well, just as long
as we get this wrapped up before nightfall.
Mother hates if I'm
out after dark. Come on.
- All right. So how deep do
you think these tunnels go?
'Cause it feels like we've been walking
for an awful long time. - I dunno.
Do you see these pipes right here?
Yeah.
- Looks like they connect
to the sewer system.
If that's the case, these
pipes, they lead into town,
which is probably the reason
how this damn beast can
get from place to place.
I say we keep our eyes open
because if we're not careful,
he can just pop outta anywhere right now.
Great. Super comforting thought.
(Graveyard Shark
growls) (footsteps shuffle)
Oh God, where is it coming from?
Sh, sh.
(Graveyard Shark growls) (Greg cries out)
(claws slice) (flesh squelches)
(Greg sputters)
Come on Sadie, baby. What do I do?
You got this. Too hot to die.
Oh, there's nothing but a man deep down,
and I've honestly had sex
with much worse looking older,
fat, sloppy men for money.
Stop right there. You don't
wanna eat me, do you?
Or maybe I want you to eat me.
Must be so lonely, never having
the loving touch of a woman.
Let's Sadie baby take care of you.
(slow dramatic music)
(Graveyard Shark and Sadie pant and moan)
(Graveyard Shark growls)
- Ugh. - Well, goddamn.
Well, it definitely looks like somebody
is living down here.
You think this could be the
lair of the Graveyard Shark?
I don't know.
(tense brooding music)
Oh, but, well,
looks like they got some
good ass taste in movies.
Oh shit! I ain't seen this one yet.
You know, originally,
this was called "Three Days
in the Woods Killing Time,"
but they moved it down to just
- Captain. - "Killing Time" because-
Look at these.
If these are all the Graveyard Shark,
this fundamentally changes
our understanding of him.
It's bizarre. It's kind of like he's human?
No. No, he's still a monster.
It's best you remember that.
It's best you also remember
what we came here to do,
and that's put an end
to the son of a bitch's reign of terror.
Okay.
What did I say about seeing you?
- Oh no, Sheriff. - Hey, hey, hey.
- It's good you're here
because the Graveyard Shark-
Drop your weapons.
- What? - I said drop it!
- Okay, okay. It's down.
- Been there, done that.
Got the motherfucker... Turn around.
Put your hands up against
the wall just like this man.
- Are we gonna do that? - Come on, do it!
That was amazing. You're like a machine.
(head thuds) (tense dramatic music)
(leaves rustle) (Doug
breathes through teeth)
I feel like I was hit
with Pasadena Pounder
Strawberry Nut Sucker, damn.
(Doug grunts)
Ah, shit. That ain't good.
Hold on, Sadie. Doug's coming.
[Isaac] How you walking, sir?
Rodney King or Martin Luther?
Oh, come on. I ain't watched that yet.
- Okay, listen, we
didn't do anything wrong,
so you can just let us go.
- I warned you about
trespassing in this graveyard.
You were lucky the first time I let you go,
but this time, you will
not be leaving here alive.
Oh shit. I left the teapot on.
(dramatic music) (Graveyard Shark growls)
Oh my God.
She, she, she all right?
(footsteps shuffle)
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
- [Isaac] It's, it's
all right. It's all right.
He ain't gonna hurt you. It's all right.
All right. Back down, back down.
You'll get your feast.
Let me talk to 'em first.
Why don't, why don't you play
with your new toy over there?
- Goddammit, Sheriff! Now
what the hell is going on now?
See, now normally,
I wouldn't take the time to explain myself,
but you, captain, pissed
me right the hell off.
I think you deserve to know
the reason why you will die.
You see, I was at the graveyard that night
that you were trying
to bury away your sins.
Now I'd just lost my,
my own wife and child,
not a week prior.
Horrible car crash,
and I'd give anything to
have them back in my life.
I was on my knees pleading
for them to come back to me,
and then I heard you.
(tense guitar music)
(spade thuds)
(tense music continues)
(metal clinks)
(fog hisses)
(Sheriff McDermott whimpers)
(Graveyard Shark grunts)
(Sheriff McDermott sobs)
As I looked into his eyes,
I knew that the heavens had
given me a second chance
- to have my son.
- You dumb son of a bitch you!
That ain't no damn blessings
from the heavens span.
That's an abomination from hell!
I'll slap the shit outta you.
As someone who has
never experienced true loss,
I wouldn't expect you
to understand God's gift.
- Okay, you know what?
You're clearly fucking insane.
He's out there killing people,
and you're letting him do it.
You're supposed to be
protecting and serving.
That's your fucking job, man.
- Protect and serve? - Yeah!
To serve the people who kept me away
from protecting my own wife and child?
No. Now the people are
ungrateful for the gifts they got.
If they had known about my boy here,
they would've joined the captain
and burned him at the stake.
They would've seen him
as a grotesque monster,
not the sweet lovable boy he is.
- Yeah, you know, that guy is
clearly, completely unhinged.
White people is weird.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at
me, look at me, look at me.
You ain't got no issue or no beef
with nobody else in this room but me.
So why don't you leave all
these people alone and this-
You had a chance to go!
- Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't push me, you
son of a bitch. I'll kill you.
- How's my girl? - Don't you touch her.
- You'll get your chance to
die, but you won't die first.
That's reserved for Captain
Fish Fucker over here.
Hey, now you listen... Stop, stop, stop!
(Isaac gags)
Captain? - You see,
you may have been his
father, but I'm his daddy.
[Isaac] Go to hell, you son of a bitch.
(Isaac gags and coughs)
- Get him! - No.
What are you doing? I said kill him!
(dramatic music)
What's wrong, boy?
After all these years,
you finally got the case
of the daddy issues?
- Kill him, dammit! - Yeah, kill me, pussy.
Listen to me!
(Graveyard Shark growls)
Sorry about that. It had to be done.
You need to listen to your daddy.
- Get him, baby! - Wait, what?
It's kind of a long story,
but I think we're kind of a thing now.
(dramatic music) (Sheriff McDermott grunts)
(claws slice) (Sheriff McDermott gags)
(flesh squelches and rips)
(Sheriff McDermott gurgles)
- Abby, go on. - No, captain, we can help.
The area's too small, confined.
He'll kill us if we stay here.
No, I can't let you die here, captain.
No, you can and you will.
I think we should listen to him.
- Captain, eat his asshole.
See you on the other side.
(entrails squelch) (Graveyard Shark growls)
(body thuds)
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
I'm sorry you feel lost
and abandoned by me.
I'm sorry I ran away.
That's in the past now, boy.
You might be a big fish in a small pond,
but you never realized, motherfucker,
is I'm a well in a
teardrop, and it ends here,
and it ends now.
I gotta do what I should've
did to you five years ago
and what I did to your mama.
So I want you to man up,
and I want you to get your
balls (speaks indistinctly)
in there, and I want you to prepare
for the biggest epic fight in your life
because what you don't
understand, motherfucker,
is you might be the biggest,
you might be the baddest,
you might be the strongest,
quite possibly the fastest,
but I got the upper hand.
And when you go face to face with me
and the weapon, I, they got my shit.
- Wait, there should be
an exit right up this way.
Take this.
(footsteps thud)
Fuck.
All right, plan B. Sup!
(flesh squelches and rips) (dramatic music)
(body thuds)
(dark brooding music)
- All right, you guys need to
go, go back to town, get help.
What? No, we're not leaving you!
Okay, no, no,
'cause there's no way we're
all gonna make it outta here.
So I'm gonna get his attention.
You guys go, and it'll give
you a chance to get out.
- You sure about this? - I am as sure
as a DB Chocolate Surprise with soft serve,
South Coast Triple Gooberberry
Sunrise Mississippi Mud Pie.
Mud pie. I taught you all I know.
You got this
Now go. Go, go, go.
(dramatic music) (water splashes)
All right. Come on, you fuck.
(harpoon gun clangs)
Shit!
(Graveyard Shark roars)
(footsteps shuffle) (crickets chirp)
Shit.
(Graveyard Shark growls)
(Greg gasps and grunts) (tense music)
(Greg screams)
(cries out) Fuck!
(Graveyard Shark roars)
(Abby pants) (scary music with vocals)
Fuck! Come on!
(Graveyard Shark roars) (Abby screams)
(weapon slices) (flesh squelches)
(Greg roars) (Graveyard Shark roars)
(tense dramatic music)
Fuck.
Fuck.
(monsters roar)
(Graveyard Shark roars) (Greg grunts)
(claws slice) (Greg grunts)
(Abby screams)
(pitchfork slices) (flesh squelches)
(Abby screams)
(pitchfork slices) (flesh squelches)
(Abby screams)
(pitchfork slices) (flesh squelches)
Fuck you!
(pitchfork slices) (flesh squelches)
(Abby laughs)
(pitchfork slices) (flesh squelches)
(soft eerie music) (Greg grunts)
Yeah, you fucking want some, too?
You're, you're gonna get your ass eat, too!
Greg? Greg, is that you?
'Cause that's like your pants
and shirt and necklace and shit.
(Greg grunts)
Are, are you fucking
serious? What the fuck, Greg?
(Greg grunts) (tense guitar music)
(Abby laughs)
(Abby pants and laughs)
Ah, come on
Ah, Graveyard Shark
Ah, woo
Yeah, come on
Get it Vibe to it, vibe to it
Yo, Butter Boy, drop the beat
Huh, huh, huh
Hee, scoo, hee, scoo, hee, scoo
Come on, yo
Here's a crazy story
from the deep blue sea
You won't believe what happened to me
What happened Chilling
and walking through the cemetery
It was dark and
dreary, it was also scary
Ooh But I ain't scared
of no ghost or ghoul
So I kept it gangster
and I kept my cool
Let's go Chillin' like a villain
and I got it made
Ain't sweating and
threatened 'cause I'm not afraid
Yeah Until I heard something
creeping up behind me
How in the world did this thing find me
It sounded so angry
and it felt so grimy
And then I heard somebody
to my left scream blimy
Shit You better get up
out of there as fast as you can
That is not human, that is not man
The creature with the
feature coming out of the dark
It's the infamous Graveyard Shark
Butter Boy exclusive
- [Lil' Butter Boy] Yo, all
these years, all these years,
I've been trying to, been
trying to drown these demons,
but they all got gills.
Verse two. Let's keep it real.
Ah, Come on. Yo, yo, yo.
I need more snare in my headphones.
More snare? - No.
All right, that's cool.
So I ran about the
graveyard just as fast I could
Staying in the graveyard
would've did me no good
So being outta there
was a definite must
I ran so fast, I
started picking up dust
Oh shit I met a man named Isaac
And he said, my Lord,
we gotta get up out here
So climb aboard
Don't be afraid and wipe your tears
I've been hunting this thing for years
I got that 411, son, I got that tip
All aboard on the captain's ship
Fishing pole, prod, net, gun, and spear
All you need and want is all here
I'm courageous and I have no fear
This year here is going to be my year
All y'all here to say it can't be done
Y'all fools talking to a champion
I will not hide and I will not run
I will not quit until the battle's won
No man I fear and I fear no one
And no creature from up under the sun
I won't ignore it and I will not shun
I hunt monsters like this for fun
He said I gotta go now,
I gotta make my mark
Gotta kill the infamous Graveyard Shark
Let's go
Yo
Ah, ah, yo, yo yo, yo yo
- [Lil' Butter Boy] Your studio
time's starting to run out now.
He said, shorty, give
me a 40, climb aboard
My Lord, deep waters,
y'all, deep waters, y'all
- [Lil' Butter Boy] Wait, but-
I said shorty
- Yep, close enough. - Word to your moms.
We drop bombs. Yo, peace.
All your haters out there
that ain't believe me,
you could suck my dick
from the back expeditiously.
So that, that's, that, thank you,
that was really great,
but is somebody gonna pay me this time,
or who do I go to to (speaks indistinctly)?