Great Muppet Caper, The (1981) Movie Script
Pretty nice up here, isn't it?
- Kermit?
- Huh?
What if we drift out to sea?
What if we're never heard from again?
What if there's a storm...
or we get struck by lightning?
That would be neat.
Listen, nothing will happen.
- This is just the opening credits.
- Oh.
Where are they?
Wow!
''The Great Muppet Caper.''
Nice title.
I'd like to try this
without the balloon.
Try what? Plummeting?
Yeah.
I suppose you could try it once.
Kermit, how long
are these opening credits?
just about another minute or so.
My ears are popping.
I wonder how far you could plummet
before you blacked out?
Don't try it, Gonzo.
We need you for this movie.
Sure is tempting.
What does '' B.S.C.'' stand for?
I don't know.
A lot of people worked on this movie.
This is nothing.
Wait till you see the end credits.
- Are the credits over?
- Not quite.
Nobody reads those names anyway,
do they?
Sure. They all have families.
That's it.
The sky is clear.
So, okay. Now what do we do?
How does this movie start?
We just pull that rope.
Yes, sir.
We're going down!
Heads up, below!
What a fantastic beginning.
There'll be spectacle
There'll be fantasy
There'll be derring-do
and stuff like you would never see
- Hey, a movie
- Yeah, we're gonna be a movie
-Starring everybody
-And me
There'll be heroes, bold
There'll be comedy
And a lot of fuss
that ends for us real happily
We can watch it all develop
-Starring everybody
-And me
We'll take the world
and set it on its ear
Come on,join in
We're gonna start right here
It's okay.
I landed on my head.
Come on!
Wait, you!
Hold it!
- Go ahead, Kermit.
- Thank you.
In this film, me and Fozzie
play crack investigative reporters...
for the Daily Chronicle...
and Gonzo is our photographer.
It will be terrific.
I wish I were you people
seeing this for the first time.
What? Wow?
- There'll be crooks and cops
- There'll be villainy
But with us on call
we'll fix it all real easily
Wow, it's gonna be terrific
-Starring everybody
-And me
Now all we need, guys,
is an exciting photo story.
Right this way, young lady.
I'll take a picture
of this chicken.
Beautiful.
- That's great, Gonzo.
- Yeah. Smile, chicky babe.
My jewels!
That man stole my jewels!
Help!
Look up. You want to make
the front pages or not?
- I got a great picture of the chicken.
- Good.
There'll be mystery and catastrophe
But it's all in fun
You paid your money
Wait and see
Is there any way to stop it?
Starring everybody
Everybody and
Me
How could you miss
a story like that?
It was right under your noses. It
practically bit you. There's no excuse.
I guess this would be the wrong time
to ask for a raise?
''A raise''?
I'll give you a raise.
You read these headlines?
''Jewel heist on Main Street.''
That's nice bold print, isn't it?
Yes, it's very easy to read.
- Shut up now.
- Sorry.
'' Lady Holiday's jewels stolen.''
That's what it said in the Times.
And here's the Herald.
'' Fashion queen of London robbed.''
And last, but not least--
Here's our cute little banner story.
''Identical twins
join the Chronicle staff.''
Now, I ask you,
what paper would you buy?
I read the one that has '' Dear Abby.''
Gee, Mr. Tarkanian...
we thought identical twins
working on a newspaper...
would make an interesting story.
- Yeah.
- It doesn't.
Especially since you two guys
don't look anything alike!
That's because
Fozzie's not wearing his hat.
- Fozzie, put your hat back on.
- Yes, sir.
See?
Yeah, I see it now.
But that's still no excuse
for blowing a story.
- We'll do better next time.
- '' Next time''?
What makes you think
there will be a next time?
If there isn't,
it will be a real short movie.
The only reason I hired you two jerks
was because your old man was my friend.
- Dad spoke well of you too.
- I'm as sentimental as the next guy.
That's why I don't want him
to hear this. You're fired.
- Take that thing off the ceiling.
- Yeah, but Mr. Tarkanian--
- Gonzo.
- Check.
Won't you listen to reason, sir?
I'm not listening to anything,
and I'm not giving you your job back.
I don't want you to give us anything.
We just want to go to England
and talk to Lady Holiday...
the woman who was robbed.
We'll catch those jewel thieves for you.
All you have to do
is pay our way to London.
Is that all I have to do?
We could use some new luggage
for the trip.
Luggage? Look, beat it.
I have a deadline to meet.
- But how will we get to London?
- I'll tell you what, Fozzie.
Since you're such an investigative
reporter, you figure it out.
I'm Fozzie.
Oh, yeah, the hat.
Stop the presses!
Why? What happened?
I don't know.
I've always wanted to say that.
Boy, it must be 50 below in here.
You're lucky.
You have fur.
No, you're the one with the fur.
Turn on your light and see for yourself.
Oh, yeah.
I keep mixing us up.
I think I'll read for a while.
I wish I had a book.
Can you reach the call button?
- I'm hungry.
- They don't serve food in ninth class.
What? Twelve dollars,
and you don't even get a meal?
Could you guys keep it down?
I'm trying to watch the movie.
- Somebody's coming.
- Maybe they're bringing hamburgers.
- All out for England.
- Great. The plane is landing.
The plane?
No, the plane lands in Italy.
- You land in England.
- What?
What's happening?
Geronimo!
For once the forecast was right.
It said it was going to rain
cats and dogs.
- No, we're bears and frogs.
- And Gonzos.
Whatever you are, whoever you are,
welcome to Great Britain.
We're actually in Great Britain.
We'll never get to England now.
You are in England,
my furry friend.
This sceptred isle,
this jewel of the North Atlantic.
Good. We're going to London.
Could you recommend a nice hotel?
- Actually, a cheap hotel.
- How cheap?
- Free.
- That narrows the field a bit.
Let's see.
'' Places where you can park
your carcasses:
bus terminals, riverbanks...
the Happiness Hotel--''
Happiness Hotel?
That sounds great.
What's wrong with bus terminals?
Thanks a lot for your help, sir.
Guys, this is London.
Yeah, London.
We made it. Oh, boy!
- Is that the Eiffel Tower?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Are bears allowed in those fountains?
- What?
- Are bears allowed in those fountains?
- I don't think so.
- I need a bath.
This is terrific.
Wow, look at this scenery.
Yeah, it's very realistic.
- What's the name of this river?
- I don't know.
I think it's the English River.
I'll take a picture of it.
Say cheese.
Did I get my elbow in the shot?
- Don't worry. It adds human interest.
- But I'm a bear.
Anyone for the Happiness Hotel?
- Happiness Hotel.
- That's us.
- Yes, we want the Happiness Hotel.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Another crash landing.
That was terrible.
We'll just have to do it again.
Oh, look. The Happiness Hotel.
What do you think, guys?
Oh, look. The Happiness Hotel.
What do you think, guys?
If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate
to see what the sad one looks like.
- Excuse me.
- What?
We'd like a room.
Really?
Yeah, we'd like to check in.
Somebody's checking in!
Somebody's checking in?
There's no fire in the fireplace
There's no carpet on the floor
Don't try to order dinner
There's no kitchen anymore
But if the road's been kind of bumpy
and you need to rest a spell
Welcome home to Happiness Hotel
- How are you guys fixing to pay?
- What are our choices?
A: credit card.
B: cash.
C: sneak out
in the middle of the night.
We'll take C.
Very popular choice.
If you got luggage keep it handy
But you're running out of luck
'Cause the bellhops
ain't too organized
And the elevator's stuck
So if you don't mind friendly animals
and can learn to stand the smell
Welcome home to Happiness Hotel
I may be mistaken,
but the bellhops look like rats.
You should see the chambermaids.
Welcome home
No matter where you wander,
you will never do as well
Okay, the lobby's looking shabby
and it's got the wrong address
And the whole dang thing
has been condemned by American Express
Still the management is cheerful
though the whole joint's gone to hell
- You guys live here?
- Yeah, but only between gigs.
So that means we've been here
this time five years.
Yeah, but, you know,
our agent, he says...
things are really gonna break
as soon as we get our new glossies.
What's wrong with the drummer?
He looks a little crazed.
He's upset about missing the Rembrandt
exhibit at the National Gallery.
Oh, there are bugs
And there are lice
Sure we have our little problems,
but you'll never beat the price
- You've got every kind of critter
- You've got every kind of pest
But we treat them all as equals
just like any other guest
Though you're cleaner
than the others
Still as far as we can tell
You'll fit right in
to Happiness Hotel
We'll fit right in
To Happiness Hotel
Say cheese!
You are all weirdos.
That's just fine right there.
Thank you.
Not bad!
Are you sure we can afford this?
Kermit, I'm getting hungry.
- Call room service.
- There's no phone.
That's okay.
There's no food either.
- Come on, Rizzo.
- All right.
Why don't we forget about food
and get a good night's sleep?
We have to get up early
to interview Lady Holiday.
I sure could use something from one
or more of the basic food groups.
We'll have breakfast in the morning.
Right now, let's just
be thankful we're here.
- This is nice.
- Can somebody turn out the light?
Thank you.
This is Lady Holiday.
Milan speaking?
Then put him on.
Yes, darling, I'm fine.
I had quite a scare.
Thank God, I wasn't hurt.
Of course,
my diamonds were valuable.
All my diamonds are valuable.
Darling, I want you to call
the United States and tell Vogue...
they can't have the photographs
of the spring line until after the show.
I'm not too happy
with some of the designs.
I still have to make some changes.
I'm looking at three of the gowns now,
and I can see horrendous mistakes.
Of course, Paris should be notified.
- Carla, that neckline is too high.
- I rather like the effect.
- Do you like looking like an ostrich?
- Of course not.
And Marla,
too many frills and fabillose.
I don't think we should strive
for the fantailed pigeon look.
And you, Darla.
That outfit's the pits.
Loose where it should be tight
and tight where it should be loose.
Why would I design such
atrocious-looking clothes?
- I must be getting senile.
- Yes, Lady Holiday?
We have to make drastic changes
in the line before the show tomorrow.
All my girls are looking
like barnyard animals.
Good heavens, who are you?
My name is Miss Piggy...
and I would like to be
a high fashion model.
Doesn't surprise me.
It seems to be the way we're heading.
I have always dreamed
of being a Holiday model.
I brought my je ne sais quoi
and my portfolio...
all the way here to London
to see you...
the one and only Lady Holiday.
- May I come in?
- Absolutely not.
- May I show you my portfolio?
- No.
Good. Here.
You may open it.
This is me reeking grandeur.
Being aloof.
Being demure.
Daring.
- Interesting range of emotions.
- You think so?
As you can see from this small sampling,
modeling is my life.
It is my destiny.
I shall accept nothing less.
I can offer you a job
as a receptionist.
I'll take it!
Thank you!
You won't be sorry, I promise.
I can type.
I can take shorthand.
I can make coffee.
- I can do it all!
- Sit!
I can sit.
I'm very good at sitting.
Are you quite under control?
I'll be lunching
with my brother Nicky.
He's second in command here,
and he's an irresponsible parasite.
But I had to bring him
into the business...
because he squandered
his half of the inheritance...
and he has no prospects.
Not that he's grateful. He still
gambles and incurs bad debts...
uses my charge accounts, eats my food
and borrows my cars without permission.
He's not to be trusted.
I wouldn't put it past him
to try to steal...
my most valuable and largest jewel,
the fabulous Baseball Diamond.
And I don't know why his bow ties
are always crooked.
Still, in all, he is my brother.
Why are you telling me all this?
It's plot exposition.
It has to go somewhere.
Anyway, I want you to answer
the telephone while I'm gone...
and straighten up the office.
Consider it done.
Everything's under control.
Not to sweat.
Carry on.
I'll be back in an hour.
Oh, boy!
I am going to be a famous model!
I'm so happy for me!
Miss Piggy, you are on your way.
Where does Lady Holiday get off
calling me an ostrich?
We'll get even with Lady Holiday
tonight when we steal her necklace.
What will you wear
for the robbery?
Quiet.
Hi. Hello.
Hubba-hubba.
Excuse me.
Where's Lady Holiday's office?
- Around the corner to the left.
- Thank you.
Did you just give directions
to a frog?
- I guess I did.
- Smile.
Is that a new photographer?
I think I'm stuck.
Pull.
- Gonzo, are you okay?
- Oh, sure. It was just my nose.
You guys stay here.
I'll find Lady Holiday.
Yes, sir.
Get your nose in here.
It's really fun.
Mr. Holiday, did you order
a gross of flowered socks?
Oh, what an honor!
You're all so wonderful.
Thank you for choosing moi
as model of the year.
I never dreamed
when I first began in this business...
that I would reach such lofty heights.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
So what do you think about the drapes?
Personally, I'd rather see shutters.
Yes.
And on this wall here, I--
Lady Holiday?
Gee, are you okay?
I don't think I'll ever be the same.
Pardon?
I mean, I don't usually
fall like that.
I thought it was a very nice fall.
It was quite graceful, actually.
Thank you, whoever you are.
My name is Kermit the Frog, and I've
come all the way from America...
to interview you
for the Daily Chronicle.
Me? Why me?
Because you're Lady Holiday.
Yeah, right.
Reason enough.
You want to help me out
of this wastebasket?
- Yeah.
-Just pull.
Harder.
So, listen, can I ask you
a couple of questions now?
Not here.
So busy, so much to do.
Perhaps we could have dinner tonight?
Yes. Fine. Swell.
See you then.
I'll pick you up at your house.
It must be beautiful.
I'm sure it is.
I mean, sure, it is.
Yeah.
So where do you live?
- Guess.
- Some highbrow street somewhere?
Highbrow Street!
Absolutely right!
How did you guess?
Are you psychic?
But now guess what number.
I don't know.
Number 1 7?
Yes, all right,
1 7 Highbrow Street.
- Okay, I'll pick you up at 8:00?
- 5:30?
- 9:20?
- 4:1 5?
7:00.
- Okay, that was easy.
- Yes, easy.
- I'll see you later.
- Yes. 8:00.
- 7:00.
- 7:00!
- Good-bye.
- Yes.
Adios, mon cherie.
Much obliged.
Kermit, tell me about Lady Holiday.
Is she pretty?
Yeah.
Not at all what I expected.
Nice eyes, sturdy legs...
and, it might have been my imagination,
but I think she found me attractive.
Taxi!
Of course, she found you attractive.
It runs in the family.
I don't know why
the cabs won't stop.
just leave it to me.
That's very effective.
Yeah, it's great when it works.
Did you want me to stop or what?
Thank you very much, sir.
You can call me Beauregard.
- Where are you guys going?
- The Happiness Hotel.
Good. That's where I'm going.
How do you get there?
- Haven't you ever been there?
- Of course. I live there.
I just don't know
how to get there.
- It's straight down this street.
- Okay.
Good.
Now just keep going straight.
Will do.
Look out!
It takes a while
to get to know the town.
- How long have you lived in London?
- All my life.
How come you don't have
an English accent?
- I'm lucky to have a driver's license.
- Watch it!
- It's just up ahead on the right.
- What is?
- The Happiness Hotel.
- Oh, yeah.
What's your room number?
I don't know.
We're on the second floor.
I'm sorry. I can only
take you as far as the lobby.
You can never find a cab
when you need one.
Can we do that again?
- Thank you very much, Beauregard.
- You're welcome.
- How do I get out of here?
- I suggest you make a U-turn.
Right.
Looks like steering wheel souffle
for dinner.
Again?
If you'll excuse me,
I'm going out to dinner.
That's right.
Kermit's got a date with Lady--
- You don't have to tell everybody.
- Right.
Pops, don't tell anybody
Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday.
Kermit's got a date
with Lady Holiday?
Wow. Wait till I tell
the guys in the band.
- Tell us what?
- Yeah. What's going down?
Kermit and Lady Holiday?
All right!
Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing.
Kermit, don't worry.
It won't go outside this room.
Here is a Muppet news flash.
Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday.
Details at 1 1 :00.
Smile.
Local poultry.
It's a good thing you didn't
tell everybody where Lady Holiday lives.
Otherwise, they'd all be camped
on her doorstep.
That is just for you and me
to know, brother.
We are going to have ourselves
a time tonight.
- What do you mean, ''we''?
- The two of us.
You missed a spot.
Anyway,just act naturally.
Wait a minute.
It's when I get there.
This is my date with Lady Holiday.
I'm going alone,
so it's me, not we.
I see. Fine.
Boy, I wish I had whiskers.
Then I'd have to use a blade.
Kermit, turn around.
Are you really going to go
without me tonight?
Fozzie, I figure this is something
that I have to do alone.
- No problem.
- Good.
-Just hand me my cuff links.
- Yes, sir.
And straighten my tie
Just drench me in rich cologne
and don't ask me why
Go on and pluck me a boutonniere
You're moving up
and walking on air
Stepping out with a star
and feeling high
Come polish my wing tips
And call for the car
I'll sweep her right off of her feet
wherever we are
A satin collar and velvet vest
I never settle for second best
Stepping out with a star
Sad times, bye-bye
Have I got style
Have I got taste
On someone else, I swear
this savoir faire
would be such a waste
- Come toss me my top hat
- Yes, sir
I'm ready to fly
Busting into the upper crust
As easy as pie
Just watch my dreams come true
This is something I was born to do
Stepping out with a star
That star is you
- Have you got class
- Have I got class
- Have you got chic
- Have I got chic
To think that you and me
were nobody
Only last week
I'm ready to fly
- Kermit!
- At least I can try.
Bye, bad times
Hey, good times
Stepping out with a star
and feeling high
Yeah
How do I look?
Which one are you?
I'm the one on the right.
You look like you're going
to have a terrific time...
without me.
What?
You can come.
You mean it?
Oh, boy!
Great news, gang.
We can go!
Awfully disappointing weather today.
The weather.
Awfully disappointing today.
Is it? Yes.
Yes, I know what you mean.
It was rather disappointing
yesterday.
And the day before.
What is it, Neville?
A pig climbing up
the outside of the house, dear.
Next time they want stunts,
they get a double.
The day before that
was awfully disappointing too.
And the weekend was perfectly frightful.
Never stopped raining.
- Am I boring you?
- What, dear?
- I said, ''Am I boring you?''
- Boring me?
That's a good one.
I'm having the time of my life, dear.
Neville, did you say...
a pig was climbing up
the outside of the house?
Yes, I believe I did.
I thought so.
You'd have to look a long way
to find a chap who's more...
stimulated than I am.
Dear me.
The last time I was bored,
and never by you, my armada--
- What was that?
-Just making a point, dear.
If I was bored,
I'd go out and buy something...
like cheese or quail's eggs.
- Something like that.
- Yes, I suppose you would.
Of course, I would. That's the sort
of spur-of-the-moment fellow I am.
What?
- What, dear?
- What would you buy if you were bored?
jar of calves' foot jelly.
I'd like to come with you
and help you pick one out.
That isn't necessary, Dorcas.
There's no need for you
to leave the house.
I wouldn't mind.
Haven't been outside for 1 2 years.
Weather's been most disappointing.
Still, there's no reason for me
to stay here all the time.
The children are gone.
The pets are dead.
The butler's been discharged.
No one ever visits us.
That was the doorbell, Neville.
So it was.
And the butler's dead?
The pets are dead.
The butler's been discharged.
- I think one of us should answer it.
- Do you?
- Or we could both answer it.
- Come, dear.
I hardly think it's necessary
for both of us to--
I'll answer it!
I thought you said
the pets were dead.
Hello.
This is for you.
Thank you.
Shall we go?
I've never been inside a real ritzy
English house before.
- Aren't you hungry?
- Sure, but we have a few minutes.
Okay, let's take a few minutes.
Nice place you got here.
Yes, I practically stole it.
Let me show you around.
Who was that guy back there?
just some sort of servant.
This, of course,
is the drawing room.
Did you decorate this place
yourself?
I'll just close the door.
It's very drafty.
- There's a chair and some walls.
- A whirlwind tour.
Yes.
This is the bedroom and bath.
We have hot and cold running water.
There's probably a bathtub
and everything.
Here, I want to show you something.
- This is the closet.
- Nice.
Dark, but nice.
Sorry.
Don't think me rude, but is there
anything I can do for you at all?
Yes.
You may suggest a nice restaurant.
There's the Dubonnet Club.
Actually, it's not so much a restaurant,
more of a supper club.
Thank you,Jeeves.
- No time for cocktails.
- Evening.
Why are you staring into the closet?
You recall that pig I mentioned?
- The one climbing up the house?
- That's the chap.
- Yes, I seem to recall that.
- It was in there just now...
along with a lizard.
I see.
And what did they want?
The name of a good restaurant.
I told them the Dubonnet Club.
That's more of a supper club
than a restaurant.
- Yes, I tried to tell them that.
- Don't blame yourself.
There they are!
Kermit and his new flame.
You'll have to jump
in the front seat.
The back seat's been quarantined.
- Let's hit the road.
- How about a little traveling music?
For sure! A love song!
Love song!
Hit it!
Give me my good friends
and play me my music
Yeah, give me my nightlife
Toss me that guitar
and move me that boogie
Are these your friends?
just the ones on the fenders.
Sing me that good time
'cause I need to feel it
Yeah, give me that nightlife
London!
They don't have to play this loud.
That's okay.
They don't mind.
Show me that good time
'cause I need to feel it
A classy place like this, you'd think
they'd have pretzels on the table.
What a delightful menu.
- What?
- Nothing.
It's just sort of amusing
that the roast beef...
is the same price
as an Oldsmobile.
You come here often,
Lady Holiday?
Only on special occasions.
And this is very special, Kermy.
Waiter, champagne and caviar.
Kermit,
how are we gonna pay for this?
You got about 1 ,600 bucks on you?
Relax, Kermit.
I'll take care of it.
Say cheese.
There you go, folks.
Souvenir photograph.
just give me your name and address
and ten bucks.
Good evening, Lady Holiday.
Such a pleasure to see you.
- Thank you, Stanley.
- What a lovely diamond necklace.
It is rather breathtaking, isn't it?
I thought it a little outre,
but Nicky insisted that I wear it.
- Your table.
- Thank you, Stanley.
- Give Stanley a tip, Nicky.
- For complimenting your necklace?
Because it's customary.
- I don't have any change.
- Then give him something bigger.
Bigger?
I left my wallet at home.
You left your wallet in college.
- Souvenir photograph?
- No, thanks. No pictures.
It will be a great memento
for you and your wife.
- My wife isn't feeling very well.
- That's too bad.
- Maybe she should be at home.
- My wife is at home.
Yes. Next table!
That caviar was yummy.
Love those fish eggs.
- Lady Holiday?
- Yes?
Can we talk
about the jewel robbery now?
Kermit, let us not talk business.
Music is in the air,
the night is young...
and I am so beautiful.
What jewel robbery?
Your jewels that were stolen.
You know, you have lovely eyes.
If you put enough sugar in this stuff,
it tastes just like ginger ale.
Catch you later, Stanley.
Aren't you happy we're here?
I have grave doubts
about wearing these jewels.
I feel as if thieves
were breathing down my neck.
Thieves aren't breathing
down your neck.
- I want to put them in a safe.
- No.
- Yes.
- I meant yes. Why would I say no?
- Go and see Stanley.
- Go and see Stanley?
- Immediately.
- All right, if that's what you want.
- And don't forget to tip him.
- Tip him.
The first time you see her
No bolt from the blue
Just something so quiet
That's waiting for you
With no one to tell you
Where you've got to go
The first time it happens
You know
The first time you see her
No magical change
No angels appearing
No dreams to arrange
Just warmer and colder
Than springtime or snow
The first time it happens
You know
The first time together
How simple, how rare
And just when
You thought
you'd forgot how to care
And though you feel much more
Than you'd care to show
Wow, she's fantastic!
What a great number.
Nicky, that's my new receptionist
dancing out there.
- Which one?
- The pig.
She's sensational.
Forty-five words a minute.
About average.
The moment it happens
Then suddenly
there's a whole new world
Lady Holiday, what happened?
Was it you that screamed?
- She screamed right into my ear.
- Of course I screamed.
Somebody's just stolen my necklace.
I told you this would happen.
That necklace was worth a fortune.
- Do something.
- What do you want me to do?
I've spilled ketchup
all over my cummerbund.
Straighten that tie!
It's Lady Holiday.
Her necklace has been stolen.
Lady Holiday? But I thought--
Kermit, I think
I've got a picture of the thief.
- Great.
- Yeah.
This is great, Gonzo.
You popped the flash right before
the soup landed on his tie.
Yeah, photography's an art.
You gotta have the right film,
the right exposure...
and you've gotta scream just before
they get the food to their mouth.
What's going on in there?
A lot of folks out here
want to use the restroom.
We're developing these pictures.
We'll be out an soon as we finish.
We're trying to catch a jewel thief.
Catch him in another room.
People are dancing around out here.
Hurry up. There's got to be a picture
of somebody taking the necklace.
I don't know.
- I still think that pig took it.
- She wouldn't steal.
- Why not? She lied.
- That's two different things.
Besides, she couldn't have stolen
the necklace because she was dancing.
That's right.
There's that old adage:
''You can't dance and steal
at the same time.''
No, that's: ''You can't walk
and chew gum at the same time.''
No, it's: ''You can't pat your head
and rub your stomach at the same time.''
What's the difference?
She didn't steal the necklace.
- I bet I can do it.
- Do what?
Pat my head and rub my stomach
at the same time.
Big deal. Anybody can do that.
Would you guys cut it out?
We're wasting time!
Bathroom!
- Here it is.
- What?
Look at that. It's that guy
sitting next to Lady Holiday...
and those girls standing in the back.
It's probably the same gang
that pulled that first job.
Yes, and we've got them
with their hands in the cookie jar.
- What's going on?
- What is this anyway?
That cookie jar just busted.
- Look, Dad, there's a bear.
- No, Christine, that's a frog.
Bears wear hats.
How you doing, young fellow?
Okay, I guess.
A penny for your thoughts.
It's a long story.
But a familiar one, I bet.
Older than the hills.
I've been there, my friend.
I've been there and back.
I see the way
you're sitting here.
I see the way you've got your hand
around that little shoe.
That's all I need.
I know your whole story.
- You do?
- Absolutely.
- I know exactly what happened to you.
- What?
I'll tell you, friend.
You and your brother-in-law Bernie...
cashed in your stock certificates
and your insurance policy...
and you bought
a dry cleaning establishment.
Another place opens up down
the street, and it's charging less...
and they're getting the stuff out
faster because they've got more help.
It's not your fault.
Right?
So Bernie comes to you and says,
''I want you to buy me out.''
He says he's fed up.
Your kids are growing up.
You never see them.
All of a sudden they're turning
into juvenile delinquents...
and your wife is saying, ''You care
more about this lousy business...
than you care about me.''
The equipment breaks down,
and your sister moves in with you...
because that jerk Bernie
went and joined the circus.
You had it up to here, right?
You didn't know what to do.
So what did you do?
You did the only thing you could do.
- Yeah?
- You dumped the business for a song.
- And who did you sell it to?
- Who?
That jerk down the street, that slob
that had been burying you for a year.
Then you took
whatever money you had left...
and you sunk it
into the glass slipper business.
That's your story, my friend.
Not a happy one, is it?
It's amazing.
You are 1 00% wrong.
Nothing you've said has been right.
Yeah?
How about this--
I hate to be rude,
but we're trying to do a movie here.
Yeah?
I didn't know that.
I'm sorry.
Listen, one thing, son.
Would you like to buy a watch?
Movie stars.
Get your filthy hands off me!
I beg your pardon, young lady.
just keep your hands to yourself,
turkey.
You!
Preposterous!
If it isn't the fake Lady Holiday.
- Hello.
- Hello?
Last night
you never even said good-bye.
Kermit, that was just silliness.
Yeah, but you lied to me.
You used me.
Kermit, please, let me explain.
My name is Miss Piggy.
- I am a model.
- Yeah?
I only lied
because I wanted to be with you.
I saw the way you were dancing
with that guy last night.
Let me tell you something.
Your dancing partner is a jewel thief.
What do you think of that?
You're jealous.
- I am not.
- You are.
Kermit, I'm sorry.
Please, don't go, Kermit.
Please, don't go!
I'm sorry!
Miss Piggy, hold it.
Piggy, you're overacting.
- What?
- You're hamming it up.
I am not.
I am trying to save this movie.
Save your performance instead.
I am playing 800 different emotions.
Try to play one of them right.
I have a career of my own.
- I know all about your career.
- I don't need this lousy duck pond.
- I'm sure you don't.
- Maybe I'll just walk.
- Sure, go ahead, walk!
- Should I walk? I'll walk!
Miss Piggy-- Listen.
- I'm doing my best.
- I know you are.
Piggy, I'm sorry.
- We have to get back to the movie.
- All right.
Kermit, I'm sorry I left you
last night at the nightclub.
That's okay, Piggy.
Pretty day
Sunny sky
Lovely pictures
dance in your eye
It all seems so right
It all feels so rare
Summer soft
sudden breeze
Watch the wind
play tag in the trees
The world is so bright
So perfectly fair
Lovers sing
Children dance
For a minute
we've got a chance
Why couldn't we fly
I know we'd get by
Sunny sky
Pretty day
Just a push
and we're on the way
Yes, couldn't we ride
Side by side
Look, Ma, no brains.
Gangway! Watch it!
Coming through!
Gangway! Watch it!
Coming through!
She's so wonderful.
She certainly seems to know
where she's going. It's time.
All right, everybody, keep it moving.
Don't linger.
We just want to give them a hint,
a taste, a soupcon...
appetizers
not full course meals.
Marie, I don't think
we should chew gum.
Stephanie, those false eyelashes
are coming unglued.
Those shoes are scuffed.
Yes, I know where they are.
I'll get them for you.
- Sorry.
- Watch it, buster.
Oh, Mr. Holiday, I'm sorry.
Hello.
- Miss--
- Piggy.
- Miss Piggy? Of course.
- Right.
Have dinner with me tonight.
Mr. Holiday,
really I'm very busy.
Could we meet just for a moment?
- Underwear.
-Just one brief moment?
You're a very different looking woman.
I'm so tired of the same type:
Those tall, thin creatures
with the long legs...
the aquiline noses...
the teeth like pearls,
soft skin.
Yeah, I can see where that might
make you sick to your stomach.
Please, now.
Don't put a door between us.
I was looking for the men's room.
I want you to meet someone.
This is Nicky Holiday.
Mr. Holiday, this is Kermit,
my special friend.
Nice to meet you.
Excuse me.
Need I say more?
Isn't he a frog?
Yes.
We could have had something
very special.
Now I can't be responsible
for what might happen.
Yeah, well, c'est la vie.
I don't know why you love her
like you do.
I don't know why.
I just do.
You better snap out of it
and fast.
You have to plant the goods on her
to take the heat off us.
I know the plan.
I just wish there was another way.
It is the only way, especially now
with the cops asking questions.
I'll do my job.
When I give the signal, you do yours.
Forgive me, Miss Piggy.
Am I dressed right for this?
- You look fine, Fozzie.
- Thank you.
And now, without further ado.
Roses, hyacinths...
lilac and bluebells...
make up our first fashion bouquet.
Pretty nice lines, huh?
Yes, and the dresses
aren't bad either.
Here's capricious Carla...
a dream in hyacinth blue chiffon...
with the classic allure
of the white pleated collar and cuffs.
THe skirt is a flutter of godets...
all complimented
by the cloudy folds of blue...
forming the perfect flower
framing hat.
Fantastique and thank you, Carla.
Pretty good-looking duds.
I found the white pleated collar
alluring...
but I was rather taken aback
by the flutter of godets.
And now...
here's delicious Darla...
in a swirl of apricot silk
above a tight bodice...
with a cleverly draped decolletage...
finishing with roses...
to match the confection of flowers
and silk on her head...
forming a teeny-weeny hat.
My knee!
I think I've twisted it.
Are you all right?
You have to get up and go on!
I can't go on.
You poor thing!
Don't worry, Marla.
I'll stay right here with you.
You can't.
You have to go on in her place.
And now, the Lady Holiday
Swimwear Collection.
Waldorf, wake up.
Here come the bikinis.
We'd better synchronize
our pacemakers.
A cloud of lavender starburst pleating
surrounds our next model.
I say.
A miracle of spring
A miracle of beauty
Bedazzled by the magic
of one smile
A vision of loveliness
A universe of charms
We'll never rest
until you're in our arms
Daffodils, Miss Piggy
Whippoorwills, Miss Piggy
Everything that's
lovely warm and spring
Miss Piggy
Fantasy, Miss Piggy
Ecstasy, Miss Piggy
All that's fair
or fine or wonderful
Or anything, Miss Piggy
When does the rapture begin
And grow
Where does devotion
And passion go
Happiness, Miss Piggy
One caress, Miss Piggy
All the world's ever wanted
was you
A dream come true
Miss Piggy
It's you
Are you okay?
Yeah, sure.
I was just looking
for my contact lens.
Excuse me.
- You'll get a chill.
- Thank you very much.
- Are you all right?
- I must have tripped.
Wait a minute.
What's this?
I don't think these belong to me.
Sis, do you recognize this?
That was my necklace,
but where are the diamonds?
Miss Piggy stole my necklace.
- How could you?
- I don't know anything about it.
Somebody must have put it--
You! It was you!
Kermit was right.
You're a phony.
Yes, you are!
You know what?
You can't even sing.
Your voice was dubbed.
Watch out, guys.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out of this.
It just goes to show,
you can't trust anybody.
Excuse me, Lady Holiday.
Will you hire any more pigs?
I shall certainly
think twice about it.
Find out if they'll let me
keep the costumes!
What about your most famous piece of
jewelry, the fabulous Baseball Diamond?
As from Monday,
the fabulous Baseball Diamond...
will go on permanent display
at the Mallory Gallery.
I shall never have it
either on my person...
or in my possession again.
That's right.
It will be in our possession.
That's right.
It will be in our possession.
Tuesday at midnight
we'll go to the Mallory Gallery.
The Baseball Diamond will be ours.
So there I was,
backstage under a table.
I was doing a little
photographic essay on kneecaps...
and I heard them planning
to steal the Baseball Diamond.
- What?
- Bummer!
- So what's the plan, man?
- I already told you.
Tuesday midnight
at the Mallory Gallery.
That's all I know.
They're really going to try
to steal the diamond?
Quiet!
I said,
'' Look, Mother, it's my life, okay?
If I want to live on a beach
and walk around naked--''
Now if we want to get
Miss Piggy out of jail...
we'll have to catch
those thieves red-handed.
Yes, Beau?
What color are their hands now?
We're about to embark
on a potentially dangerous mission.
There could be physical violence.
There could be gunplay.
And there's the slightest chance
that somebody might even get killed.
So if anybody wants out,
now is the time to say it.
- I'm out.
- Me too.
Ditto.
Don't we have a gig around here
or something?
- Sorry, I got a dental appointment.
- I have to work all day.
Hold it!
Shame on you.
I thought we were
in this thing together.
I'm just as scared as you are,
but this has to be done.
We don't want the bad guys to win.
We gotta do this for justice...
for freedom...
for honesty.
- Boy, do I feel ashamed.
- Me too.
I feel like two cents.
- I'm back in.
- You can count on me.
I was only joking.
Yeah, it will be a lot of fun
to go out there and risk our lives.
- Yeah.
- All for one and one for all.
At times like this...
I am proud to be an American.
Thank you.
I knew I could count
on each and every one of you.
- Are you okay?
- That took a lot out of me.
We don't have any time to waste,
so everybody gather 'round.
The first thing we have to do
is make our plans.
Right.
Or we could get some sleep.
- Miss Piggy?
- What?
Your lawyer is here to see you.
Lawyer?
I don't have a lawyer.
Sure you do.
Little green guy.
No wonder he hasn't come by to see me.
He had to finish law school.
Two minutes, pig.
I've missed you so.
Please, the name is Rosenthal.
I'm your attorney. That's the only way
they'd let me in here.
Right.
I've missed you so, Rosenthal.
It's been an eternity.
It's been 45 minutes.
Time goes slow in the cooler.
I just want you to know
we'll get you out of here.
We'll catch those thieves
red-handed.
What color are their hands now?
I don't think this is the time
for that type of humor.
When you're in stir, you take the laughs
where you can get them, Rosenthal.
Yeah.
Anyway,just stay put.
We have a plan,
and we'll prove you're innocent.
Tomorrow night,
precisely at midnight...
those thieves will try to steal
Lady Holiday's Baseball Diamond...
from the Mallory Gallery.
And we'll stop them.
Kermit, be careful.
Don't worry.
I've got Gonzo and Fozzie...
and all our friends
from the Happiness Hotel to help.
Those clowns?
Great. I'll be stuck
in the big house for life.
'' Big house''?
Is that prison talk?
Yeah.
Big house. Squealer. Slammer.
That's the lingo
we use here in the joint.
Yeah, you may talk tough,
Miss Piggy...
but underneath I know you're still
the same beautiful, sensitive...
vulnerable woman
I went out with the other night.
The one who scarfed down
all that caviar.
You have such a way with words.
I love you, Rosenthal.
You're wearing my mustache.
Yeah? You have mesh marks
on your face.
- Glass cutter.
- Check.
- Nylon rope.
- Check.
- Computer deprogrammer.
- Check.
- Stop watch.
- Check.
- Pocket laser.
- Check.
- Infrared reflex.
- Check.
- Portable detonator.
- Check.
- Whoopee cushion.
- I think it's in the bus.
- Rubber raft.
- It's got holes in it.
Bag of chickens.
- Fake vomit.
- It's on order.
- Frisbee.
- Lost.
- Pneumatic drill.
- Check.
- Computer printout.
- Check.
- Radar gun.
- Check.
- Walkie-talkies.
- Check.
- Wax lips.
- I just had them.
Did you leave them
in your other pants?
I don't have no other pants.
- Yo-yo.
- For sure.
- Harpoon gun.
- That's you.
Check.
All right, team.
Let's go for it.
- Peanut butter.
- Animal ate it.
Sorry.
Kermit, I guess that's it.
All right, everybody.
Let's go for it.
Go for it!
Sorry, guys.
Back it up here.
Okay, be quiet.
You guys all got
your disguises in place?
Wow.
Wow.
Rowlf, hand me the blowtorch.
Blowtorch? Who said anything
about a blowtorch?
I got some paper towels.
How are we supposed to cut through bars
if nobody brought stuff to cut with?
I brought some hot mustard.
Maybe that will eat through the bars.
'' Eat through the bars.''
Animal?
What?
See if you can eat through
these iron bars.
Eat through bars.
- Doggy!
- The cops!
Do you know where Lady Holiday's
Baseball Diamond is being kept?
Do you know where Lady Holiday's
Baseball Diamond is being kept?
Funny enough, I do.
It's at the Mallory Gallery.
It's a virtually impregnable fortress,
many miles from here.
- I only have a half hour to get there.
- On foot? You'll never make it.
I know. How about a ride?
You can read, I presume.
'' No passengers.''
Couldn't you make an exception
for little old moi?
Not even for little old vous.
Pretty please?
I've tried to be nice.
What's all the racket?
What are you doing here?
A very brief cameo.
Me too.
Breaker one, this is Ham Hock.
Do you read me?
Loud and clear, Ham Hock.
This is Dirty Bird.
What's your 20? Over.
Well, good buddy,
we're westbound out of Highgate.
Any smokies between me
and Blimeytown?
Negatory, Ham Hock.
You're free and clear.
Ten-four, Dirty Bird.
Much obliged.
We got the hammer down,
and we gone.
I never ordered no pepperoni.
It's right here on the slip:
medium pepperoni with double cheese.
That's right. We don't make them.
We just deliver them.
Somebody here called Pizza Twins,
and that's us.
What's the name on that slip?
- What's your name?
- Henderson.
That's it.
That's the name on the slip.
But I hate pepperoni.
I'll eat it!
Stand by, guys.
just one moment.
Can I see that slip?
Actually, this is the wrong slip.
- You said that slip had my name on it.
- That slip?
That slip we left at the home,
but we got the pepperoni.
- But I hate pepperoni.
- Right.
How about you--
You could feed it to the dogs.
Yes, that's right.
Here, sir.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Thank you very much, sir.
What am I,
a glutton for punishment?
How do we get in?
Why don't we just
ring the doorbell?
- There's got to be another way.
- You better think of it pretty quick.
Those dogs
have nearly finished the pizza.
I know. The roof.
Man, no way we'll ever get up there.
So far,
I'm not having any fun.
Let me talk to them.
It helps to know a second language.
It's nearly midnight.
What am I going to do?
Hey, you!
What an unbelievable coincidence.
This window probably has
an alarm system on it.
My assistant Beaker
will check it out.
- But--
- Go on, Beaker.
Very good, Beaker.
Now it's perfectly safe.
- Good. Animal?
- What?
- Do your stuff.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
There it is:
the fabulous Baseball Diamond.
How will we get down there?
I suggest we jump.
Are you crazy?
That's about a hundred feet.
I didn't say it was a good suggestion.
Maybe we can jump partway.
What do we do now?
We'll just have to go down there
and catch those thieves red-handed.
What color are their hands now?
We'll just have to improvise.
We'll make a ladder
out of whatever will hold us.
Good idea.
Here's the paper towels.
I'm coming, Kermy!
You wanted excitement.
Excuse me.
I don't think that belongs to you.
Gung ho!
Say cheese.
Woman!
- Nice catch, Animal.
- Heads up, Lew!
Put it in here now.
Yeah, I got it.
Hot potato! Keep away!
Here we go!
I got it! Thank you.
Be careful, guys.
That's it. Get her!
Still got the good eye!
Welcome to the wild world
of Muppet sports.
This is Louis Kazager
with a play-by-play.
It looks like ladies night
here at the gallery.
Peekaboo!
- Hey, batter!
- Okay here she comes, boy!
Way to duck! Way to look!
Way to move! Yeah! Come on, baby!
- Popcorn! Get your red-hot popcorn!
- Yeah!
- A buck a box.
- Get that ball!
Popcorn, chicken?
Woman!
Lew Zealand leads off the order
as we join the game.
Wow!
Sock it to me, Beaky baby!
Pitch, Beaker.
You couldn't hit
the broadside of a barn!
- Picture of the pitcher!
- Wait for what you want, Lew baby!
- Rah!
- Beaker goes into the windup!
- Batter!
- It's the pitch!
- It's a high fly ball!
- I got it!
- Give me that diamond, you crook!
- What's that, you twit?
- Come on, guys, get him!
- You guys back off!.
But, Nicky,
why are you doing this?
Because I'm a villain.
It's pure and simple.
Excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir.
Would you let Kermit go?
If you hold him too long,
he'll just give you warts.
No, he's coming with us.
Come on, girls, let's get out of here.
- Watch out!
- Watch it, Piggy!
Bye-bye.
- You were magnificent, Miss Piggy.
- I did it all for you.
- Could I just have a moment with her?
- Thank you.
- I really did care for you.
- I know.
We could have had the world
on a silver platter.
That silver's turned
to iron bars, Nicky.
- Don't hate me, Miss Piggy.
- I don't.
It's just that somehow
along the road...
I found out the difference
between wrong and right.
You're wrong.
He's right.
Would you believe it, Statler?
They're heroes.
- Now they're going to be obnoxious.
- What else is new?
I'd say all's well that ends well.
Doesn't matter to me,
as long as it ends.
It was nice of the Chronicle
to pay for our flight home.
But a man should be treated better
than his luggage.
My luggage was sucked out the door.
Luckily,
my radio is frozen to my wrist.
Okay, guys,
everybody out for the USA.
How close are we?
About 30,000 feet.
- You mean--
- Yep.
Happy landing!
Come on, carrot top.
- We've had comedy
- We've had mystery
Had a real good time
and solved a crime real easily
Hey, a movie
I just can't believe they did it
-Starring everybody
-And me
- There was spectacle
- There was fantasy
- Where we took a chance
-And saw romance end happily
- In a movie
- I just love a happy ending
One for everybody
Everybody in the world
And me
Wait a minute!
Hold it right there.
Don't go home yet.
Say cheese.
I'll send you each a copy.
- Kermit?
- Huh?
What if we drift out to sea?
What if we're never heard from again?
What if there's a storm...
or we get struck by lightning?
That would be neat.
Listen, nothing will happen.
- This is just the opening credits.
- Oh.
Where are they?
Wow!
''The Great Muppet Caper.''
Nice title.
I'd like to try this
without the balloon.
Try what? Plummeting?
Yeah.
I suppose you could try it once.
Kermit, how long
are these opening credits?
just about another minute or so.
My ears are popping.
I wonder how far you could plummet
before you blacked out?
Don't try it, Gonzo.
We need you for this movie.
Sure is tempting.
What does '' B.S.C.'' stand for?
I don't know.
A lot of people worked on this movie.
This is nothing.
Wait till you see the end credits.
- Are the credits over?
- Not quite.
Nobody reads those names anyway,
do they?
Sure. They all have families.
That's it.
The sky is clear.
So, okay. Now what do we do?
How does this movie start?
We just pull that rope.
Yes, sir.
We're going down!
Heads up, below!
What a fantastic beginning.
There'll be spectacle
There'll be fantasy
There'll be derring-do
and stuff like you would never see
- Hey, a movie
- Yeah, we're gonna be a movie
-Starring everybody
-And me
There'll be heroes, bold
There'll be comedy
And a lot of fuss
that ends for us real happily
We can watch it all develop
-Starring everybody
-And me
We'll take the world
and set it on its ear
Come on,join in
We're gonna start right here
It's okay.
I landed on my head.
Come on!
Wait, you!
Hold it!
- Go ahead, Kermit.
- Thank you.
In this film, me and Fozzie
play crack investigative reporters...
for the Daily Chronicle...
and Gonzo is our photographer.
It will be terrific.
I wish I were you people
seeing this for the first time.
What? Wow?
- There'll be crooks and cops
- There'll be villainy
But with us on call
we'll fix it all real easily
Wow, it's gonna be terrific
-Starring everybody
-And me
Now all we need, guys,
is an exciting photo story.
Right this way, young lady.
I'll take a picture
of this chicken.
Beautiful.
- That's great, Gonzo.
- Yeah. Smile, chicky babe.
My jewels!
That man stole my jewels!
Help!
Look up. You want to make
the front pages or not?
- I got a great picture of the chicken.
- Good.
There'll be mystery and catastrophe
But it's all in fun
You paid your money
Wait and see
Is there any way to stop it?
Starring everybody
Everybody and
Me
How could you miss
a story like that?
It was right under your noses. It
practically bit you. There's no excuse.
I guess this would be the wrong time
to ask for a raise?
''A raise''?
I'll give you a raise.
You read these headlines?
''Jewel heist on Main Street.''
That's nice bold print, isn't it?
Yes, it's very easy to read.
- Shut up now.
- Sorry.
'' Lady Holiday's jewels stolen.''
That's what it said in the Times.
And here's the Herald.
'' Fashion queen of London robbed.''
And last, but not least--
Here's our cute little banner story.
''Identical twins
join the Chronicle staff.''
Now, I ask you,
what paper would you buy?
I read the one that has '' Dear Abby.''
Gee, Mr. Tarkanian...
we thought identical twins
working on a newspaper...
would make an interesting story.
- Yeah.
- It doesn't.
Especially since you two guys
don't look anything alike!
That's because
Fozzie's not wearing his hat.
- Fozzie, put your hat back on.
- Yes, sir.
See?
Yeah, I see it now.
But that's still no excuse
for blowing a story.
- We'll do better next time.
- '' Next time''?
What makes you think
there will be a next time?
If there isn't,
it will be a real short movie.
The only reason I hired you two jerks
was because your old man was my friend.
- Dad spoke well of you too.
- I'm as sentimental as the next guy.
That's why I don't want him
to hear this. You're fired.
- Take that thing off the ceiling.
- Yeah, but Mr. Tarkanian--
- Gonzo.
- Check.
Won't you listen to reason, sir?
I'm not listening to anything,
and I'm not giving you your job back.
I don't want you to give us anything.
We just want to go to England
and talk to Lady Holiday...
the woman who was robbed.
We'll catch those jewel thieves for you.
All you have to do
is pay our way to London.
Is that all I have to do?
We could use some new luggage
for the trip.
Luggage? Look, beat it.
I have a deadline to meet.
- But how will we get to London?
- I'll tell you what, Fozzie.
Since you're such an investigative
reporter, you figure it out.
I'm Fozzie.
Oh, yeah, the hat.
Stop the presses!
Why? What happened?
I don't know.
I've always wanted to say that.
Boy, it must be 50 below in here.
You're lucky.
You have fur.
No, you're the one with the fur.
Turn on your light and see for yourself.
Oh, yeah.
I keep mixing us up.
I think I'll read for a while.
I wish I had a book.
Can you reach the call button?
- I'm hungry.
- They don't serve food in ninth class.
What? Twelve dollars,
and you don't even get a meal?
Could you guys keep it down?
I'm trying to watch the movie.
- Somebody's coming.
- Maybe they're bringing hamburgers.
- All out for England.
- Great. The plane is landing.
The plane?
No, the plane lands in Italy.
- You land in England.
- What?
What's happening?
Geronimo!
For once the forecast was right.
It said it was going to rain
cats and dogs.
- No, we're bears and frogs.
- And Gonzos.
Whatever you are, whoever you are,
welcome to Great Britain.
We're actually in Great Britain.
We'll never get to England now.
You are in England,
my furry friend.
This sceptred isle,
this jewel of the North Atlantic.
Good. We're going to London.
Could you recommend a nice hotel?
- Actually, a cheap hotel.
- How cheap?
- Free.
- That narrows the field a bit.
Let's see.
'' Places where you can park
your carcasses:
bus terminals, riverbanks...
the Happiness Hotel--''
Happiness Hotel?
That sounds great.
What's wrong with bus terminals?
Thanks a lot for your help, sir.
Guys, this is London.
Yeah, London.
We made it. Oh, boy!
- Is that the Eiffel Tower?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Are bears allowed in those fountains?
- What?
- Are bears allowed in those fountains?
- I don't think so.
- I need a bath.
This is terrific.
Wow, look at this scenery.
Yeah, it's very realistic.
- What's the name of this river?
- I don't know.
I think it's the English River.
I'll take a picture of it.
Say cheese.
Did I get my elbow in the shot?
- Don't worry. It adds human interest.
- But I'm a bear.
Anyone for the Happiness Hotel?
- Happiness Hotel.
- That's us.
- Yes, we want the Happiness Hotel.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Another crash landing.
That was terrible.
We'll just have to do it again.
Oh, look. The Happiness Hotel.
What do you think, guys?
Oh, look. The Happiness Hotel.
What do you think, guys?
If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate
to see what the sad one looks like.
- Excuse me.
- What?
We'd like a room.
Really?
Yeah, we'd like to check in.
Somebody's checking in!
Somebody's checking in?
There's no fire in the fireplace
There's no carpet on the floor
Don't try to order dinner
There's no kitchen anymore
But if the road's been kind of bumpy
and you need to rest a spell
Welcome home to Happiness Hotel
- How are you guys fixing to pay?
- What are our choices?
A: credit card.
B: cash.
C: sneak out
in the middle of the night.
We'll take C.
Very popular choice.
If you got luggage keep it handy
But you're running out of luck
'Cause the bellhops
ain't too organized
And the elevator's stuck
So if you don't mind friendly animals
and can learn to stand the smell
Welcome home to Happiness Hotel
I may be mistaken,
but the bellhops look like rats.
You should see the chambermaids.
Welcome home
No matter where you wander,
you will never do as well
Okay, the lobby's looking shabby
and it's got the wrong address
And the whole dang thing
has been condemned by American Express
Still the management is cheerful
though the whole joint's gone to hell
- You guys live here?
- Yeah, but only between gigs.
So that means we've been here
this time five years.
Yeah, but, you know,
our agent, he says...
things are really gonna break
as soon as we get our new glossies.
What's wrong with the drummer?
He looks a little crazed.
He's upset about missing the Rembrandt
exhibit at the National Gallery.
Oh, there are bugs
And there are lice
Sure we have our little problems,
but you'll never beat the price
- You've got every kind of critter
- You've got every kind of pest
But we treat them all as equals
just like any other guest
Though you're cleaner
than the others
Still as far as we can tell
You'll fit right in
to Happiness Hotel
We'll fit right in
To Happiness Hotel
Say cheese!
You are all weirdos.
That's just fine right there.
Thank you.
Not bad!
Are you sure we can afford this?
Kermit, I'm getting hungry.
- Call room service.
- There's no phone.
That's okay.
There's no food either.
- Come on, Rizzo.
- All right.
Why don't we forget about food
and get a good night's sleep?
We have to get up early
to interview Lady Holiday.
I sure could use something from one
or more of the basic food groups.
We'll have breakfast in the morning.
Right now, let's just
be thankful we're here.
- This is nice.
- Can somebody turn out the light?
Thank you.
This is Lady Holiday.
Milan speaking?
Then put him on.
Yes, darling, I'm fine.
I had quite a scare.
Thank God, I wasn't hurt.
Of course,
my diamonds were valuable.
All my diamonds are valuable.
Darling, I want you to call
the United States and tell Vogue...
they can't have the photographs
of the spring line until after the show.
I'm not too happy
with some of the designs.
I still have to make some changes.
I'm looking at three of the gowns now,
and I can see horrendous mistakes.
Of course, Paris should be notified.
- Carla, that neckline is too high.
- I rather like the effect.
- Do you like looking like an ostrich?
- Of course not.
And Marla,
too many frills and fabillose.
I don't think we should strive
for the fantailed pigeon look.
And you, Darla.
That outfit's the pits.
Loose where it should be tight
and tight where it should be loose.
Why would I design such
atrocious-looking clothes?
- I must be getting senile.
- Yes, Lady Holiday?
We have to make drastic changes
in the line before the show tomorrow.
All my girls are looking
like barnyard animals.
Good heavens, who are you?
My name is Miss Piggy...
and I would like to be
a high fashion model.
Doesn't surprise me.
It seems to be the way we're heading.
I have always dreamed
of being a Holiday model.
I brought my je ne sais quoi
and my portfolio...
all the way here to London
to see you...
the one and only Lady Holiday.
- May I come in?
- Absolutely not.
- May I show you my portfolio?
- No.
Good. Here.
You may open it.
This is me reeking grandeur.
Being aloof.
Being demure.
Daring.
- Interesting range of emotions.
- You think so?
As you can see from this small sampling,
modeling is my life.
It is my destiny.
I shall accept nothing less.
I can offer you a job
as a receptionist.
I'll take it!
Thank you!
You won't be sorry, I promise.
I can type.
I can take shorthand.
I can make coffee.
- I can do it all!
- Sit!
I can sit.
I'm very good at sitting.
Are you quite under control?
I'll be lunching
with my brother Nicky.
He's second in command here,
and he's an irresponsible parasite.
But I had to bring him
into the business...
because he squandered
his half of the inheritance...
and he has no prospects.
Not that he's grateful. He still
gambles and incurs bad debts...
uses my charge accounts, eats my food
and borrows my cars without permission.
He's not to be trusted.
I wouldn't put it past him
to try to steal...
my most valuable and largest jewel,
the fabulous Baseball Diamond.
And I don't know why his bow ties
are always crooked.
Still, in all, he is my brother.
Why are you telling me all this?
It's plot exposition.
It has to go somewhere.
Anyway, I want you to answer
the telephone while I'm gone...
and straighten up the office.
Consider it done.
Everything's under control.
Not to sweat.
Carry on.
I'll be back in an hour.
Oh, boy!
I am going to be a famous model!
I'm so happy for me!
Miss Piggy, you are on your way.
Where does Lady Holiday get off
calling me an ostrich?
We'll get even with Lady Holiday
tonight when we steal her necklace.
What will you wear
for the robbery?
Quiet.
Hi. Hello.
Hubba-hubba.
Excuse me.
Where's Lady Holiday's office?
- Around the corner to the left.
- Thank you.
Did you just give directions
to a frog?
- I guess I did.
- Smile.
Is that a new photographer?
I think I'm stuck.
Pull.
- Gonzo, are you okay?
- Oh, sure. It was just my nose.
You guys stay here.
I'll find Lady Holiday.
Yes, sir.
Get your nose in here.
It's really fun.
Mr. Holiday, did you order
a gross of flowered socks?
Oh, what an honor!
You're all so wonderful.
Thank you for choosing moi
as model of the year.
I never dreamed
when I first began in this business...
that I would reach such lofty heights.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
So what do you think about the drapes?
Personally, I'd rather see shutters.
Yes.
And on this wall here, I--
Lady Holiday?
Gee, are you okay?
I don't think I'll ever be the same.
Pardon?
I mean, I don't usually
fall like that.
I thought it was a very nice fall.
It was quite graceful, actually.
Thank you, whoever you are.
My name is Kermit the Frog, and I've
come all the way from America...
to interview you
for the Daily Chronicle.
Me? Why me?
Because you're Lady Holiday.
Yeah, right.
Reason enough.
You want to help me out
of this wastebasket?
- Yeah.
-Just pull.
Harder.
So, listen, can I ask you
a couple of questions now?
Not here.
So busy, so much to do.
Perhaps we could have dinner tonight?
Yes. Fine. Swell.
See you then.
I'll pick you up at your house.
It must be beautiful.
I'm sure it is.
I mean, sure, it is.
Yeah.
So where do you live?
- Guess.
- Some highbrow street somewhere?
Highbrow Street!
Absolutely right!
How did you guess?
Are you psychic?
But now guess what number.
I don't know.
Number 1 7?
Yes, all right,
1 7 Highbrow Street.
- Okay, I'll pick you up at 8:00?
- 5:30?
- 9:20?
- 4:1 5?
7:00.
- Okay, that was easy.
- Yes, easy.
- I'll see you later.
- Yes. 8:00.
- 7:00.
- 7:00!
- Good-bye.
- Yes.
Adios, mon cherie.
Much obliged.
Kermit, tell me about Lady Holiday.
Is she pretty?
Yeah.
Not at all what I expected.
Nice eyes, sturdy legs...
and, it might have been my imagination,
but I think she found me attractive.
Taxi!
Of course, she found you attractive.
It runs in the family.
I don't know why
the cabs won't stop.
just leave it to me.
That's very effective.
Yeah, it's great when it works.
Did you want me to stop or what?
Thank you very much, sir.
You can call me Beauregard.
- Where are you guys going?
- The Happiness Hotel.
Good. That's where I'm going.
How do you get there?
- Haven't you ever been there?
- Of course. I live there.
I just don't know
how to get there.
- It's straight down this street.
- Okay.
Good.
Now just keep going straight.
Will do.
Look out!
It takes a while
to get to know the town.
- How long have you lived in London?
- All my life.
How come you don't have
an English accent?
- I'm lucky to have a driver's license.
- Watch it!
- It's just up ahead on the right.
- What is?
- The Happiness Hotel.
- Oh, yeah.
What's your room number?
I don't know.
We're on the second floor.
I'm sorry. I can only
take you as far as the lobby.
You can never find a cab
when you need one.
Can we do that again?
- Thank you very much, Beauregard.
- You're welcome.
- How do I get out of here?
- I suggest you make a U-turn.
Right.
Looks like steering wheel souffle
for dinner.
Again?
If you'll excuse me,
I'm going out to dinner.
That's right.
Kermit's got a date with Lady--
- You don't have to tell everybody.
- Right.
Pops, don't tell anybody
Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday.
Kermit's got a date
with Lady Holiday?
Wow. Wait till I tell
the guys in the band.
- Tell us what?
- Yeah. What's going down?
Kermit and Lady Holiday?
All right!
Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing.
Kermit, don't worry.
It won't go outside this room.
Here is a Muppet news flash.
Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday.
Details at 1 1 :00.
Smile.
Local poultry.
It's a good thing you didn't
tell everybody where Lady Holiday lives.
Otherwise, they'd all be camped
on her doorstep.
That is just for you and me
to know, brother.
We are going to have ourselves
a time tonight.
- What do you mean, ''we''?
- The two of us.
You missed a spot.
Anyway,just act naturally.
Wait a minute.
It's when I get there.
This is my date with Lady Holiday.
I'm going alone,
so it's me, not we.
I see. Fine.
Boy, I wish I had whiskers.
Then I'd have to use a blade.
Kermit, turn around.
Are you really going to go
without me tonight?
Fozzie, I figure this is something
that I have to do alone.
- No problem.
- Good.
-Just hand me my cuff links.
- Yes, sir.
And straighten my tie
Just drench me in rich cologne
and don't ask me why
Go on and pluck me a boutonniere
You're moving up
and walking on air
Stepping out with a star
and feeling high
Come polish my wing tips
And call for the car
I'll sweep her right off of her feet
wherever we are
A satin collar and velvet vest
I never settle for second best
Stepping out with a star
Sad times, bye-bye
Have I got style
Have I got taste
On someone else, I swear
this savoir faire
would be such a waste
- Come toss me my top hat
- Yes, sir
I'm ready to fly
Busting into the upper crust
As easy as pie
Just watch my dreams come true
This is something I was born to do
Stepping out with a star
That star is you
- Have you got class
- Have I got class
- Have you got chic
- Have I got chic
To think that you and me
were nobody
Only last week
I'm ready to fly
- Kermit!
- At least I can try.
Bye, bad times
Hey, good times
Stepping out with a star
and feeling high
Yeah
How do I look?
Which one are you?
I'm the one on the right.
You look like you're going
to have a terrific time...
without me.
What?
You can come.
You mean it?
Oh, boy!
Great news, gang.
We can go!
Awfully disappointing weather today.
The weather.
Awfully disappointing today.
Is it? Yes.
Yes, I know what you mean.
It was rather disappointing
yesterday.
And the day before.
What is it, Neville?
A pig climbing up
the outside of the house, dear.
Next time they want stunts,
they get a double.
The day before that
was awfully disappointing too.
And the weekend was perfectly frightful.
Never stopped raining.
- Am I boring you?
- What, dear?
- I said, ''Am I boring you?''
- Boring me?
That's a good one.
I'm having the time of my life, dear.
Neville, did you say...
a pig was climbing up
the outside of the house?
Yes, I believe I did.
I thought so.
You'd have to look a long way
to find a chap who's more...
stimulated than I am.
Dear me.
The last time I was bored,
and never by you, my armada--
- What was that?
-Just making a point, dear.
If I was bored,
I'd go out and buy something...
like cheese or quail's eggs.
- Something like that.
- Yes, I suppose you would.
Of course, I would. That's the sort
of spur-of-the-moment fellow I am.
What?
- What, dear?
- What would you buy if you were bored?
jar of calves' foot jelly.
I'd like to come with you
and help you pick one out.
That isn't necessary, Dorcas.
There's no need for you
to leave the house.
I wouldn't mind.
Haven't been outside for 1 2 years.
Weather's been most disappointing.
Still, there's no reason for me
to stay here all the time.
The children are gone.
The pets are dead.
The butler's been discharged.
No one ever visits us.
That was the doorbell, Neville.
So it was.
And the butler's dead?
The pets are dead.
The butler's been discharged.
- I think one of us should answer it.
- Do you?
- Or we could both answer it.
- Come, dear.
I hardly think it's necessary
for both of us to--
I'll answer it!
I thought you said
the pets were dead.
Hello.
This is for you.
Thank you.
Shall we go?
I've never been inside a real ritzy
English house before.
- Aren't you hungry?
- Sure, but we have a few minutes.
Okay, let's take a few minutes.
Nice place you got here.
Yes, I practically stole it.
Let me show you around.
Who was that guy back there?
just some sort of servant.
This, of course,
is the drawing room.
Did you decorate this place
yourself?
I'll just close the door.
It's very drafty.
- There's a chair and some walls.
- A whirlwind tour.
Yes.
This is the bedroom and bath.
We have hot and cold running water.
There's probably a bathtub
and everything.
Here, I want to show you something.
- This is the closet.
- Nice.
Dark, but nice.
Sorry.
Don't think me rude, but is there
anything I can do for you at all?
Yes.
You may suggest a nice restaurant.
There's the Dubonnet Club.
Actually, it's not so much a restaurant,
more of a supper club.
Thank you,Jeeves.
- No time for cocktails.
- Evening.
Why are you staring into the closet?
You recall that pig I mentioned?
- The one climbing up the house?
- That's the chap.
- Yes, I seem to recall that.
- It was in there just now...
along with a lizard.
I see.
And what did they want?
The name of a good restaurant.
I told them the Dubonnet Club.
That's more of a supper club
than a restaurant.
- Yes, I tried to tell them that.
- Don't blame yourself.
There they are!
Kermit and his new flame.
You'll have to jump
in the front seat.
The back seat's been quarantined.
- Let's hit the road.
- How about a little traveling music?
For sure! A love song!
Love song!
Hit it!
Give me my good friends
and play me my music
Yeah, give me my nightlife
Toss me that guitar
and move me that boogie
Are these your friends?
just the ones on the fenders.
Sing me that good time
'cause I need to feel it
Yeah, give me that nightlife
London!
They don't have to play this loud.
That's okay.
They don't mind.
Show me that good time
'cause I need to feel it
A classy place like this, you'd think
they'd have pretzels on the table.
What a delightful menu.
- What?
- Nothing.
It's just sort of amusing
that the roast beef...
is the same price
as an Oldsmobile.
You come here often,
Lady Holiday?
Only on special occasions.
And this is very special, Kermy.
Waiter, champagne and caviar.
Kermit,
how are we gonna pay for this?
You got about 1 ,600 bucks on you?
Relax, Kermit.
I'll take care of it.
Say cheese.
There you go, folks.
Souvenir photograph.
just give me your name and address
and ten bucks.
Good evening, Lady Holiday.
Such a pleasure to see you.
- Thank you, Stanley.
- What a lovely diamond necklace.
It is rather breathtaking, isn't it?
I thought it a little outre,
but Nicky insisted that I wear it.
- Your table.
- Thank you, Stanley.
- Give Stanley a tip, Nicky.
- For complimenting your necklace?
Because it's customary.
- I don't have any change.
- Then give him something bigger.
Bigger?
I left my wallet at home.
You left your wallet in college.
- Souvenir photograph?
- No, thanks. No pictures.
It will be a great memento
for you and your wife.
- My wife isn't feeling very well.
- That's too bad.
- Maybe she should be at home.
- My wife is at home.
Yes. Next table!
That caviar was yummy.
Love those fish eggs.
- Lady Holiday?
- Yes?
Can we talk
about the jewel robbery now?
Kermit, let us not talk business.
Music is in the air,
the night is young...
and I am so beautiful.
What jewel robbery?
Your jewels that were stolen.
You know, you have lovely eyes.
If you put enough sugar in this stuff,
it tastes just like ginger ale.
Catch you later, Stanley.
Aren't you happy we're here?
I have grave doubts
about wearing these jewels.
I feel as if thieves
were breathing down my neck.
Thieves aren't breathing
down your neck.
- I want to put them in a safe.
- No.
- Yes.
- I meant yes. Why would I say no?
- Go and see Stanley.
- Go and see Stanley?
- Immediately.
- All right, if that's what you want.
- And don't forget to tip him.
- Tip him.
The first time you see her
No bolt from the blue
Just something so quiet
That's waiting for you
With no one to tell you
Where you've got to go
The first time it happens
You know
The first time you see her
No magical change
No angels appearing
No dreams to arrange
Just warmer and colder
Than springtime or snow
The first time it happens
You know
The first time together
How simple, how rare
And just when
You thought
you'd forgot how to care
And though you feel much more
Than you'd care to show
Wow, she's fantastic!
What a great number.
Nicky, that's my new receptionist
dancing out there.
- Which one?
- The pig.
She's sensational.
Forty-five words a minute.
About average.
The moment it happens
Then suddenly
there's a whole new world
Lady Holiday, what happened?
Was it you that screamed?
- She screamed right into my ear.
- Of course I screamed.
Somebody's just stolen my necklace.
I told you this would happen.
That necklace was worth a fortune.
- Do something.
- What do you want me to do?
I've spilled ketchup
all over my cummerbund.
Straighten that tie!
It's Lady Holiday.
Her necklace has been stolen.
Lady Holiday? But I thought--
Kermit, I think
I've got a picture of the thief.
- Great.
- Yeah.
This is great, Gonzo.
You popped the flash right before
the soup landed on his tie.
Yeah, photography's an art.
You gotta have the right film,
the right exposure...
and you've gotta scream just before
they get the food to their mouth.
What's going on in there?
A lot of folks out here
want to use the restroom.
We're developing these pictures.
We'll be out an soon as we finish.
We're trying to catch a jewel thief.
Catch him in another room.
People are dancing around out here.
Hurry up. There's got to be a picture
of somebody taking the necklace.
I don't know.
- I still think that pig took it.
- She wouldn't steal.
- Why not? She lied.
- That's two different things.
Besides, she couldn't have stolen
the necklace because she was dancing.
That's right.
There's that old adage:
''You can't dance and steal
at the same time.''
No, that's: ''You can't walk
and chew gum at the same time.''
No, it's: ''You can't pat your head
and rub your stomach at the same time.''
What's the difference?
She didn't steal the necklace.
- I bet I can do it.
- Do what?
Pat my head and rub my stomach
at the same time.
Big deal. Anybody can do that.
Would you guys cut it out?
We're wasting time!
Bathroom!
- Here it is.
- What?
Look at that. It's that guy
sitting next to Lady Holiday...
and those girls standing in the back.
It's probably the same gang
that pulled that first job.
Yes, and we've got them
with their hands in the cookie jar.
- What's going on?
- What is this anyway?
That cookie jar just busted.
- Look, Dad, there's a bear.
- No, Christine, that's a frog.
Bears wear hats.
How you doing, young fellow?
Okay, I guess.
A penny for your thoughts.
It's a long story.
But a familiar one, I bet.
Older than the hills.
I've been there, my friend.
I've been there and back.
I see the way
you're sitting here.
I see the way you've got your hand
around that little shoe.
That's all I need.
I know your whole story.
- You do?
- Absolutely.
- I know exactly what happened to you.
- What?
I'll tell you, friend.
You and your brother-in-law Bernie...
cashed in your stock certificates
and your insurance policy...
and you bought
a dry cleaning establishment.
Another place opens up down
the street, and it's charging less...
and they're getting the stuff out
faster because they've got more help.
It's not your fault.
Right?
So Bernie comes to you and says,
''I want you to buy me out.''
He says he's fed up.
Your kids are growing up.
You never see them.
All of a sudden they're turning
into juvenile delinquents...
and your wife is saying, ''You care
more about this lousy business...
than you care about me.''
The equipment breaks down,
and your sister moves in with you...
because that jerk Bernie
went and joined the circus.
You had it up to here, right?
You didn't know what to do.
So what did you do?
You did the only thing you could do.
- Yeah?
- You dumped the business for a song.
- And who did you sell it to?
- Who?
That jerk down the street, that slob
that had been burying you for a year.
Then you took
whatever money you had left...
and you sunk it
into the glass slipper business.
That's your story, my friend.
Not a happy one, is it?
It's amazing.
You are 1 00% wrong.
Nothing you've said has been right.
Yeah?
How about this--
I hate to be rude,
but we're trying to do a movie here.
Yeah?
I didn't know that.
I'm sorry.
Listen, one thing, son.
Would you like to buy a watch?
Movie stars.
Get your filthy hands off me!
I beg your pardon, young lady.
just keep your hands to yourself,
turkey.
You!
Preposterous!
If it isn't the fake Lady Holiday.
- Hello.
- Hello?
Last night
you never even said good-bye.
Kermit, that was just silliness.
Yeah, but you lied to me.
You used me.
Kermit, please, let me explain.
My name is Miss Piggy.
- I am a model.
- Yeah?
I only lied
because I wanted to be with you.
I saw the way you were dancing
with that guy last night.
Let me tell you something.
Your dancing partner is a jewel thief.
What do you think of that?
You're jealous.
- I am not.
- You are.
Kermit, I'm sorry.
Please, don't go, Kermit.
Please, don't go!
I'm sorry!
Miss Piggy, hold it.
Piggy, you're overacting.
- What?
- You're hamming it up.
I am not.
I am trying to save this movie.
Save your performance instead.
I am playing 800 different emotions.
Try to play one of them right.
I have a career of my own.
- I know all about your career.
- I don't need this lousy duck pond.
- I'm sure you don't.
- Maybe I'll just walk.
- Sure, go ahead, walk!
- Should I walk? I'll walk!
Miss Piggy-- Listen.
- I'm doing my best.
- I know you are.
Piggy, I'm sorry.
- We have to get back to the movie.
- All right.
Kermit, I'm sorry I left you
last night at the nightclub.
That's okay, Piggy.
Pretty day
Sunny sky
Lovely pictures
dance in your eye
It all seems so right
It all feels so rare
Summer soft
sudden breeze
Watch the wind
play tag in the trees
The world is so bright
So perfectly fair
Lovers sing
Children dance
For a minute
we've got a chance
Why couldn't we fly
I know we'd get by
Sunny sky
Pretty day
Just a push
and we're on the way
Yes, couldn't we ride
Side by side
Look, Ma, no brains.
Gangway! Watch it!
Coming through!
Gangway! Watch it!
Coming through!
She's so wonderful.
She certainly seems to know
where she's going. It's time.
All right, everybody, keep it moving.
Don't linger.
We just want to give them a hint,
a taste, a soupcon...
appetizers
not full course meals.
Marie, I don't think
we should chew gum.
Stephanie, those false eyelashes
are coming unglued.
Those shoes are scuffed.
Yes, I know where they are.
I'll get them for you.
- Sorry.
- Watch it, buster.
Oh, Mr. Holiday, I'm sorry.
Hello.
- Miss--
- Piggy.
- Miss Piggy? Of course.
- Right.
Have dinner with me tonight.
Mr. Holiday,
really I'm very busy.
Could we meet just for a moment?
- Underwear.
-Just one brief moment?
You're a very different looking woman.
I'm so tired of the same type:
Those tall, thin creatures
with the long legs...
the aquiline noses...
the teeth like pearls,
soft skin.
Yeah, I can see where that might
make you sick to your stomach.
Please, now.
Don't put a door between us.
I was looking for the men's room.
I want you to meet someone.
This is Nicky Holiday.
Mr. Holiday, this is Kermit,
my special friend.
Nice to meet you.
Excuse me.
Need I say more?
Isn't he a frog?
Yes.
We could have had something
very special.
Now I can't be responsible
for what might happen.
Yeah, well, c'est la vie.
I don't know why you love her
like you do.
I don't know why.
I just do.
You better snap out of it
and fast.
You have to plant the goods on her
to take the heat off us.
I know the plan.
I just wish there was another way.
It is the only way, especially now
with the cops asking questions.
I'll do my job.
When I give the signal, you do yours.
Forgive me, Miss Piggy.
Am I dressed right for this?
- You look fine, Fozzie.
- Thank you.
And now, without further ado.
Roses, hyacinths...
lilac and bluebells...
make up our first fashion bouquet.
Pretty nice lines, huh?
Yes, and the dresses
aren't bad either.
Here's capricious Carla...
a dream in hyacinth blue chiffon...
with the classic allure
of the white pleated collar and cuffs.
THe skirt is a flutter of godets...
all complimented
by the cloudy folds of blue...
forming the perfect flower
framing hat.
Fantastique and thank you, Carla.
Pretty good-looking duds.
I found the white pleated collar
alluring...
but I was rather taken aback
by the flutter of godets.
And now...
here's delicious Darla...
in a swirl of apricot silk
above a tight bodice...
with a cleverly draped decolletage...
finishing with roses...
to match the confection of flowers
and silk on her head...
forming a teeny-weeny hat.
My knee!
I think I've twisted it.
Are you all right?
You have to get up and go on!
I can't go on.
You poor thing!
Don't worry, Marla.
I'll stay right here with you.
You can't.
You have to go on in her place.
And now, the Lady Holiday
Swimwear Collection.
Waldorf, wake up.
Here come the bikinis.
We'd better synchronize
our pacemakers.
A cloud of lavender starburst pleating
surrounds our next model.
I say.
A miracle of spring
A miracle of beauty
Bedazzled by the magic
of one smile
A vision of loveliness
A universe of charms
We'll never rest
until you're in our arms
Daffodils, Miss Piggy
Whippoorwills, Miss Piggy
Everything that's
lovely warm and spring
Miss Piggy
Fantasy, Miss Piggy
Ecstasy, Miss Piggy
All that's fair
or fine or wonderful
Or anything, Miss Piggy
When does the rapture begin
And grow
Where does devotion
And passion go
Happiness, Miss Piggy
One caress, Miss Piggy
All the world's ever wanted
was you
A dream come true
Miss Piggy
It's you
Are you okay?
Yeah, sure.
I was just looking
for my contact lens.
Excuse me.
- You'll get a chill.
- Thank you very much.
- Are you all right?
- I must have tripped.
Wait a minute.
What's this?
I don't think these belong to me.
Sis, do you recognize this?
That was my necklace,
but where are the diamonds?
Miss Piggy stole my necklace.
- How could you?
- I don't know anything about it.
Somebody must have put it--
You! It was you!
Kermit was right.
You're a phony.
Yes, you are!
You know what?
You can't even sing.
Your voice was dubbed.
Watch out, guys.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out of this.
It just goes to show,
you can't trust anybody.
Excuse me, Lady Holiday.
Will you hire any more pigs?
I shall certainly
think twice about it.
Find out if they'll let me
keep the costumes!
What about your most famous piece of
jewelry, the fabulous Baseball Diamond?
As from Monday,
the fabulous Baseball Diamond...
will go on permanent display
at the Mallory Gallery.
I shall never have it
either on my person...
or in my possession again.
That's right.
It will be in our possession.
That's right.
It will be in our possession.
Tuesday at midnight
we'll go to the Mallory Gallery.
The Baseball Diamond will be ours.
So there I was,
backstage under a table.
I was doing a little
photographic essay on kneecaps...
and I heard them planning
to steal the Baseball Diamond.
- What?
- Bummer!
- So what's the plan, man?
- I already told you.
Tuesday midnight
at the Mallory Gallery.
That's all I know.
They're really going to try
to steal the diamond?
Quiet!
I said,
'' Look, Mother, it's my life, okay?
If I want to live on a beach
and walk around naked--''
Now if we want to get
Miss Piggy out of jail...
we'll have to catch
those thieves red-handed.
Yes, Beau?
What color are their hands now?
We're about to embark
on a potentially dangerous mission.
There could be physical violence.
There could be gunplay.
And there's the slightest chance
that somebody might even get killed.
So if anybody wants out,
now is the time to say it.
- I'm out.
- Me too.
Ditto.
Don't we have a gig around here
or something?
- Sorry, I got a dental appointment.
- I have to work all day.
Hold it!
Shame on you.
I thought we were
in this thing together.
I'm just as scared as you are,
but this has to be done.
We don't want the bad guys to win.
We gotta do this for justice...
for freedom...
for honesty.
- Boy, do I feel ashamed.
- Me too.
I feel like two cents.
- I'm back in.
- You can count on me.
I was only joking.
Yeah, it will be a lot of fun
to go out there and risk our lives.
- Yeah.
- All for one and one for all.
At times like this...
I am proud to be an American.
Thank you.
I knew I could count
on each and every one of you.
- Are you okay?
- That took a lot out of me.
We don't have any time to waste,
so everybody gather 'round.
The first thing we have to do
is make our plans.
Right.
Or we could get some sleep.
- Miss Piggy?
- What?
Your lawyer is here to see you.
Lawyer?
I don't have a lawyer.
Sure you do.
Little green guy.
No wonder he hasn't come by to see me.
He had to finish law school.
Two minutes, pig.
I've missed you so.
Please, the name is Rosenthal.
I'm your attorney. That's the only way
they'd let me in here.
Right.
I've missed you so, Rosenthal.
It's been an eternity.
It's been 45 minutes.
Time goes slow in the cooler.
I just want you to know
we'll get you out of here.
We'll catch those thieves
red-handed.
What color are their hands now?
I don't think this is the time
for that type of humor.
When you're in stir, you take the laughs
where you can get them, Rosenthal.
Yeah.
Anyway,just stay put.
We have a plan,
and we'll prove you're innocent.
Tomorrow night,
precisely at midnight...
those thieves will try to steal
Lady Holiday's Baseball Diamond...
from the Mallory Gallery.
And we'll stop them.
Kermit, be careful.
Don't worry.
I've got Gonzo and Fozzie...
and all our friends
from the Happiness Hotel to help.
Those clowns?
Great. I'll be stuck
in the big house for life.
'' Big house''?
Is that prison talk?
Yeah.
Big house. Squealer. Slammer.
That's the lingo
we use here in the joint.
Yeah, you may talk tough,
Miss Piggy...
but underneath I know you're still
the same beautiful, sensitive...
vulnerable woman
I went out with the other night.
The one who scarfed down
all that caviar.
You have such a way with words.
I love you, Rosenthal.
You're wearing my mustache.
Yeah? You have mesh marks
on your face.
- Glass cutter.
- Check.
- Nylon rope.
- Check.
- Computer deprogrammer.
- Check.
- Stop watch.
- Check.
- Pocket laser.
- Check.
- Infrared reflex.
- Check.
- Portable detonator.
- Check.
- Whoopee cushion.
- I think it's in the bus.
- Rubber raft.
- It's got holes in it.
Bag of chickens.
- Fake vomit.
- It's on order.
- Frisbee.
- Lost.
- Pneumatic drill.
- Check.
- Computer printout.
- Check.
- Radar gun.
- Check.
- Walkie-talkies.
- Check.
- Wax lips.
- I just had them.
Did you leave them
in your other pants?
I don't have no other pants.
- Yo-yo.
- For sure.
- Harpoon gun.
- That's you.
Check.
All right, team.
Let's go for it.
- Peanut butter.
- Animal ate it.
Sorry.
Kermit, I guess that's it.
All right, everybody.
Let's go for it.
Go for it!
Sorry, guys.
Back it up here.
Okay, be quiet.
You guys all got
your disguises in place?
Wow.
Wow.
Rowlf, hand me the blowtorch.
Blowtorch? Who said anything
about a blowtorch?
I got some paper towels.
How are we supposed to cut through bars
if nobody brought stuff to cut with?
I brought some hot mustard.
Maybe that will eat through the bars.
'' Eat through the bars.''
Animal?
What?
See if you can eat through
these iron bars.
Eat through bars.
- Doggy!
- The cops!
Do you know where Lady Holiday's
Baseball Diamond is being kept?
Do you know where Lady Holiday's
Baseball Diamond is being kept?
Funny enough, I do.
It's at the Mallory Gallery.
It's a virtually impregnable fortress,
many miles from here.
- I only have a half hour to get there.
- On foot? You'll never make it.
I know. How about a ride?
You can read, I presume.
'' No passengers.''
Couldn't you make an exception
for little old moi?
Not even for little old vous.
Pretty please?
I've tried to be nice.
What's all the racket?
What are you doing here?
A very brief cameo.
Me too.
Breaker one, this is Ham Hock.
Do you read me?
Loud and clear, Ham Hock.
This is Dirty Bird.
What's your 20? Over.
Well, good buddy,
we're westbound out of Highgate.
Any smokies between me
and Blimeytown?
Negatory, Ham Hock.
You're free and clear.
Ten-four, Dirty Bird.
Much obliged.
We got the hammer down,
and we gone.
I never ordered no pepperoni.
It's right here on the slip:
medium pepperoni with double cheese.
That's right. We don't make them.
We just deliver them.
Somebody here called Pizza Twins,
and that's us.
What's the name on that slip?
- What's your name?
- Henderson.
That's it.
That's the name on the slip.
But I hate pepperoni.
I'll eat it!
Stand by, guys.
just one moment.
Can I see that slip?
Actually, this is the wrong slip.
- You said that slip had my name on it.
- That slip?
That slip we left at the home,
but we got the pepperoni.
- But I hate pepperoni.
- Right.
How about you--
You could feed it to the dogs.
Yes, that's right.
Here, sir.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Thank you very much, sir.
What am I,
a glutton for punishment?
How do we get in?
Why don't we just
ring the doorbell?
- There's got to be another way.
- You better think of it pretty quick.
Those dogs
have nearly finished the pizza.
I know. The roof.
Man, no way we'll ever get up there.
So far,
I'm not having any fun.
Let me talk to them.
It helps to know a second language.
It's nearly midnight.
What am I going to do?
Hey, you!
What an unbelievable coincidence.
This window probably has
an alarm system on it.
My assistant Beaker
will check it out.
- But--
- Go on, Beaker.
Very good, Beaker.
Now it's perfectly safe.
- Good. Animal?
- What?
- Do your stuff.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
There it is:
the fabulous Baseball Diamond.
How will we get down there?
I suggest we jump.
Are you crazy?
That's about a hundred feet.
I didn't say it was a good suggestion.
Maybe we can jump partway.
What do we do now?
We'll just have to go down there
and catch those thieves red-handed.
What color are their hands now?
We'll just have to improvise.
We'll make a ladder
out of whatever will hold us.
Good idea.
Here's the paper towels.
I'm coming, Kermy!
You wanted excitement.
Excuse me.
I don't think that belongs to you.
Gung ho!
Say cheese.
Woman!
- Nice catch, Animal.
- Heads up, Lew!
Put it in here now.
Yeah, I got it.
Hot potato! Keep away!
Here we go!
I got it! Thank you.
Be careful, guys.
That's it. Get her!
Still got the good eye!
Welcome to the wild world
of Muppet sports.
This is Louis Kazager
with a play-by-play.
It looks like ladies night
here at the gallery.
Peekaboo!
- Hey, batter!
- Okay here she comes, boy!
Way to duck! Way to look!
Way to move! Yeah! Come on, baby!
- Popcorn! Get your red-hot popcorn!
- Yeah!
- A buck a box.
- Get that ball!
Popcorn, chicken?
Woman!
Lew Zealand leads off the order
as we join the game.
Wow!
Sock it to me, Beaky baby!
Pitch, Beaker.
You couldn't hit
the broadside of a barn!
- Picture of the pitcher!
- Wait for what you want, Lew baby!
- Rah!
- Beaker goes into the windup!
- Batter!
- It's the pitch!
- It's a high fly ball!
- I got it!
- Give me that diamond, you crook!
- What's that, you twit?
- Come on, guys, get him!
- You guys back off!.
But, Nicky,
why are you doing this?
Because I'm a villain.
It's pure and simple.
Excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir.
Would you let Kermit go?
If you hold him too long,
he'll just give you warts.
No, he's coming with us.
Come on, girls, let's get out of here.
- Watch out!
- Watch it, Piggy!
Bye-bye.
- You were magnificent, Miss Piggy.
- I did it all for you.
- Could I just have a moment with her?
- Thank you.
- I really did care for you.
- I know.
We could have had the world
on a silver platter.
That silver's turned
to iron bars, Nicky.
- Don't hate me, Miss Piggy.
- I don't.
It's just that somehow
along the road...
I found out the difference
between wrong and right.
You're wrong.
He's right.
Would you believe it, Statler?
They're heroes.
- Now they're going to be obnoxious.
- What else is new?
I'd say all's well that ends well.
Doesn't matter to me,
as long as it ends.
It was nice of the Chronicle
to pay for our flight home.
But a man should be treated better
than his luggage.
My luggage was sucked out the door.
Luckily,
my radio is frozen to my wrist.
Okay, guys,
everybody out for the USA.
How close are we?
About 30,000 feet.
- You mean--
- Yep.
Happy landing!
Come on, carrot top.
- We've had comedy
- We've had mystery
Had a real good time
and solved a crime real easily
Hey, a movie
I just can't believe they did it
-Starring everybody
-And me
- There was spectacle
- There was fantasy
- Where we took a chance
-And saw romance end happily
- In a movie
- I just love a happy ending
One for everybody
Everybody in the world
And me
Wait a minute!
Hold it right there.
Don't go home yet.
Say cheese.
I'll send you each a copy.