Greener Grass (2019) Movie Script

[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
[music continues]
[children clamoring]
[children clamoring]
[dramatic music]
[crowd applauding]
[music continues]
Oh, no, he's down again.
[whistle blows]
Julian, get up, honey.
You're okay.
- Alright. Let's go, boys.
- That's a good kid.
- Looking good out there.
- Hurry up.
[indistinct chatter]
It's so sad about that woman.
The yoga teacher.
- What? What happened?
- You didn't hear?
She was killed last night.
In her own home.
My God! That's so scary!
Do they know who did it?
I heard a neighbor
saw someone leaving her house.
They said it was a bagger
at the Eagle.
Wait, what? I was just there!
I know. I'm there every day.
He must've bagged my groceries
500 times.
Oh, it's so crazy
to think about.
I'm sure I have groceries
in my cupboards that he touched.
I bet I have some in my trunk.
How old was she?
Late twenties, I think.
Cheryl.. Cheryl something.
- She opened that yoga studio.
- Oh!
- Did you know her?
- Oh, no.
I've just really been wanting
to start doing yoga.
- Me, too.
- Hm.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, my gosh,
I didn't even notice.
You have a new baby.
Oh, yeah. Isn't she cute?
We wanted to try
something new.
She's so cute. I love her.
[both chuckling]
Lisa, do you want her?
What? No, I... I couldn't.
She's your baby.
Oh, Lisa, you can have her,
she's great.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I am sure.
- Take her, she's yours now.
- Oh!
[dramatic music]
I don't know, Jill,
she seems like she wants you.
Oh, we've just bonded. I've been
her mom since she was born.
She just has to get used to you.
Of course.
[music continues]
I love her.
Thank you so much.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
What... what you have
to understand, sweetheart
is when you fall down,
it slows the whole game down.
What happened to the baby?
Oh, I gave her to Lisa.
And, listen, honey,
let's not mention to your dad
how you fell down again today.
It'll just be our little secret.
Can't I just sleep
in Madison's crib?
[Little Helen sobbing]
[Little Helen gasps]
[Little Helen breathing heavily]
[children screaming]
[instrumental music]
[boy screaming]
You know
when we stopped by the Eagle
for some brats on our way over..
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
There were cops everywhere.
I guess they were waiting to see
if that bagger showed up
for work.
- You know, the bagger murderer?
- Uh-huh. Did he?
- No.
- Phew!
- There you are.
- We were just talking.
Why don't you guys come over
and swim after the party?
The pool's finally up
and running.
- Yeah, we'll fire up the grill.
- Fun!
Oh, but, honey,
we don't have our suits.
[dramatic music]
- We'll swing by the house.
- Hm.
- Lisa, you're back!
- Hi, Marriott.
Yeah, back to the grind.
Everyone's devouring the can
of peas you brought, Jill.
- Oh, good!
- They're so small.
- I don't know how you did it.
- Oh, it was easy.
Do people like my peas?
Oh, you know, I saw those.
Um, I don't think anyone's
had a chance to try them yet.
Happy birthday, Raja.
[dramatic music]
- Come on, mama, it's time.
- Okay, honey.
Hey, uh, listen,
you ladies ought to come up.
They're, uh, giving the moms
a go at the piata.
Oh, fun! We'll be right there.
Okay, honey, I'll be right back.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Wait a second. Wrong husbands.
- Uh..
- Oh, my God!
- Dosey-doe.
- Dosey-doe. Oh..
Lisa, you kiss like
you're French.
- Oh..
- Oh..
- Hi, honey.
- Hey.
[instrumental music]
I was confused because your
husband is holding my old baby.
- Oh, how is Madison?
- Oh, Paige.
- It's Paige now.
- Oh.
Paige. Like a knight's squire.
[instrumental music]
A noble page.
[both chuckling]
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
[tires screeching]
- Oh, dear.
- I don't know.
Uh, you were here first.
Oh, I don't know.
You know, I wasn't first.
I'm never a first.
[instrumental music]
I'm gonna go check on the pool.
Honey. Come here, baby.
[music continues]
[dramatic music]
[Little Helen panting]
[Little Helen chuckling]
[Little Helen chuckling]
Oranges, mm!
Oranges are funny.
[Little Helen grunting]
Hello, beautiful bakers.
This week's challenge
was the baked Alaska.
Now, some of your cakes would
make the Alaskan people proud
and some would not.
You'll be judged
on both the height of the cake
and the heat of the flame.
And now..
...I would like each of you
to step in front of the cake
to your right.
Oh, excuse me, Brigitta,
there's no cake to my right
unless, uh, this is my left.
you'll go to Georgie's cake.
Thank you.
And now, the cake that
you're standing in front of.. the cake
you will be judged on!
- No!
- Yes.
Absolutely, yes, Penelope.
- Julian, try this!
- Shh!
[Nick sighs]
- Jill, try this!
- What?
Take a sip of the water.
[both chuckling]
- You like it?
- Sure.
- It's from the pool.
- Oh.
It's the new filtration system.
It's all oxygenated,
no more chlorine.
It's pure, baby,
you can drink it.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, I think I prefer it.
- To swimming in chlorine?
- No!
To regular water.
I mean, it's delicious, right?
- Sure, it's good water.
- Yeah.
Honey, are you wearing panties
around your neck?
- Yes.
- Oh.
- What?
- Sorry. I..
What is it?
I just can't stop thinking
about Madison.
Well, Paige.
- You mean, you mean Paige?
- Oh, yeah, right.
[chuckles] It was just
really nice to see her today.
Yeah, well,
we used to see her every day.
- Are you mad?
- Huh?
Are you mad
that I gave our baby to Lisa?
Next time
can you just talk to me first?
- Oh!
- Oh.
- Yes.
- Oh, okay. Oh.
Yes, yeah.
[Jill sobbing]
Ooh, tacos?
Oh, no. It's a Mexican meat pie.
I don't know what that is.
[instrumental music]
That was Nancy on the phone.
She says she went over
to the nursing home on Tuesday
and mom wasn't in her room.
She was in the cafeteria,
One second, Dennis.
And remember mom's roommate,
the seamstress?
They had her
disinfecting the toilet
in the common room.
Corn on the cob?
- Bob wanted it.
- Ugh!
I'll cut the corn off.
Nancy and her new husband,
they went over there this morning
during mom's exercise hour
and, apparently,
they had the whole group
out, power washing the sun deck.
Now, I told Nancy,
power washing could be
considered exercise, but she
made a really good point.
It does seem like they fired
the entire janitorial staff.
And you know,
Nancy's new husband
he's an executive, you know?
You know?
You know?
Well, he thinks
that if the nursing home
is making the residence clean,
they should pay them for that.
- Lisa? Lisa?
- What? What?
Do you think
mom's being exploited?
Do you think
grandma's being exploited?
Bob, don't play
with that garbage.
I'm making a corn-husk doll.
- What?
- It's a little scary.
You're not scary to me.
Well, it'll be 20 more minutes
on the goulash.
Bob, why don't you
practice your saxophone now
so that you don't
have to do it before bed?
- No!
- Honey.
Sorry. It's just my head.
Oh, yeah, you should practice.
You should practice, Bob.
Your big concert is tomorrow.
- I just want one free night.
- Bob.
You spilled some milk.
Can you clean it up?
There's a rag right there.
[Paige bawling]
[instrumental music]
Oh. Hi, Jill.
Hi, Buck. How are you?
Good, thanks. Real good.
Mom, are you letting dad
take the globe?
Mm-mm, hide it.
- No, mom.
- Citronella.
Hi, Kim Ann.
I am so sorry to drop in.
Oh, sit. I made lemonade.
We're watching.
I had no idea
Buck was moving out today.
Does anybody know?
You can tell people.
I feel like no one knows.
Okay. Yeah, I'm not sure.
- I'm pretty sure they don't.
- Hm.
Oh, I... I brought you
a taco dip.
Seven layer?
- It's a five.
- Oh. Um..
Put it on the floor.
Just put it.
- Okay.
- That's good.
- Have some lemonade.
- Thanks.
- Come on!
- Dan! No!
You be nice to your brother.
He's small because of you.
Dan sat on Rostaffano
in the womb.
- You knew that, right?
- Yeah, I do.
He was born blue.
Yeah, I know that. Hm.
Listen, Kim Ann, I... I wanna
get out of your hair.
I just wanted to check on you.
Okay, I figured you were here
to buy some knives.
You know, since you missed
my last Elizabeth Knives party.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
No, but I could buy
some knives today.
- I do have my checkbook.
- Okay, that would be great.
- Okay.
- But..
I won't be able to give you
the friends and family discount.
Oh. No?
Um, Kim Ann?
You would tell me
if I did something
to upset you, right?
- You did something to upset me.
- I did?
I just can't believe everything
that happened with your baby.
You just gave your baby to Lisa.
That's really fucked up, Jill.
I know.
I think
I made a horrible mistake.
Why would you give your baby
to Lisa and not me?
Oh, I... I'm so sorry, Kim Ann.
I wasn't thinking, you know?
I hadn't planned
on giving my baby away at all.
You know,
if it makes you feel any better,
I really miss Madison.
Um, Paige.
You know, I would've
kept her name Madison
if you had given her to me.
That was my mother's name.
I know,
that's who I named her after.
No. Really?
Oh, my God!
[instrumental music]
- Daddy, daddy, take me!
- There's no time for you!
Buck! No! Wrong!
Buck, drop him.
- I'm just saying goodbye!
- Leave him.
Leave him!
- I'm just saying goodbye.
- Okay, bye!
Goodbye. Wave bye.
Let's go, let's go, come on.
Are you okay?
[instrumental music]
Hey, uh,
do you have a reservation here?
Yes, it should be under Davies.
No, I made the reservation.
Wetbottom, table for four.
- Wetbottom?
- Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hm.
- Yeah.
It's getting dark so early
this year.
Oh, I know, I feel like this time
last year it was not this dark.
Yeah, it used to be more bright.
- Yes.
- Uh-uh, no, thank you.
I, uh, brought my own.
I don't drink that stuff.
Oh, Lisa,
I... I meant to tell you.
Julian's not gonna be able
to take
that manners class
after school anymore.
What? I don't want Bob
to be the only boy.
Oh, I... I'm sorry.
Julian's not finishing up
at school until 4:00 now.
He's in school till 4:00,
like, detention?
No! No, no, no, no. He's in
that accelerated math program.
- Rocket Math.
- Mm-hmm.
- Rocket Math?
- Yeah.
- Well, good for him.
- I'll just sign Bob up.
I feel like
I never even heard of that.
Rocket Math. Yeah, no.
I don't know, Lisa.
Bob keeps saying
he thinks he's spread too thin.
Well, I actually think
the kids tested into it.
What test?
Bob never took that test.
Oh, I think
it was the state test.
- The one they took in April.
- Hm.
Bob did take that test.
Remember, Lisa, he did average.
Here, why don't you go ahead
and have some?
I think you have
a little lipstick.
Hm. Oh, right.
- No, it's still there.
- It's still there?
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, no! Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no.
- It's okay.
Are you sure?
It's fine.
You're not gonna tell?
Oh, Jill, honey, I think you had
the beaucoup duck a l'orange.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah. Oh, okay.
[instrumental "Yankee Doodle"]
Bob Wetbottom, everyone.
It's a real classic. Thank you.
So... up next we've got
Julian Davies
playing the same song.
[organ music]
[off-key organ music]
[off-key organ music]
[audience applauding]
[off-key organ music]
I don't understand, we practiced
"Yankee Doodle" all week.
- I didn't want to play that.
- That doesn't matter.
You were supposed to.
You embarrassed us.
- That was humiliating.
- I wrote that.
No more piano lessons
for Julian.
But I love piano.
[instrumental music]
[Little Helen grunting]
That was humiliating!
[instrumental music]
Have you gotten Nick anything
for his 40th?
Um, not yet.
I figured we'd give him
one of those bottles of wine
we got in Cincinnati.
That doesn't seem very personal.
[coins clinking]
You know, you don't need
to do that every night, Bob.
You're losing
most of those teeth.
Well, these are
my favorite gums.
You sounded
really good tonight, Bob.
And you know
that's one of my favorite songs.
It's like I hear it in my head
and it just comes out
so different.
That's okay, kiddo.
Your fingers are still growing.
- Music isn't for everyone.
- What?
Maybe saxophone
just isn't your thing.
- It wasn't that bad.
- Hm.
I was better than Julian. Julian
can't even read sheet music.
I thought
Julian's performance was unique.
Hm, Beethoven
couldn't read sheet music.
Neither could Moby.
I met him.
We met him.
[instrumental music]
And, of course, let me know
if any of your parents
don't want you
going on the field trip.
Ms. Human, our parents
are getting divorced.
- They are?
- Yes.
We're supposed to tell people.
Oh. Okay.
Now I know.
All of you who didn't turn in
your permission slips
make sure that you do so
by Friday
or you will not be going
to the Prairie Museum.
Now, many of the settlers
who moved west
left behind good lives,
because they thought
"Hm, maybe I could have
a better life."
They left behind everything they
couldn't fit in their covered wagons.
Families, friends
churches they loved, big beds.
You all have an outline
of a wagon in front of you.
If you had to pick up
and move tomorrow
what would you bring
in your wagons?
Bob, you wanna be in my wagon?
[knocking on door]
I'll be right back.
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi, Ms. Human.
There's undies here, too.
I brought extra for his cubby.
I'm sorry, I thought
I gave you extra before.
You did.
Oh. Okay.
I'm really sorry.
- Okay. Yeah.
- And, Ms. Human?
The next time this happens
can you please not call
my husband's office?
Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah.
Hey, um,
he soiled the beanbag chair.
- Oh?
- Yeah, it's stained.
The beanbag chair?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, let me take the cover
home, I'll wash it.
The beans are loose inside.
Oh. Okay.
I'll replace it.
I... it's, um,
it's not really replaceable.
My mother made it
before she killed my father.
- Oh.
- And my brother.
And my sister, too.
Oh, that's right.
I'm so sorry, that's awful.
I know.
Thanks for the undies.
Oh. Thanks.
Marriott, hi.
Are you playing tennis today?
Hi, Jill. No.
Are you going
to some kind of pie event?
Well, nice to see you.
Wait, Marriott.
Um, I wanted to say,
y... you should bring Raja over
to swim sometime. The pool's
finally up and running.
- Oh, no, thank you.
- No?
Actually, I don't know
how to say this.
What is it?
The other day I overheard Raja
say the word "Butt."
- Butt?
- Yeah, butt.
She heard it from Julian.
He was talking about
Popeye's butt.
About how much bigger
Popeye's butt gets
when he eats spinach.
Is that even true?
I am so sorry.
Thank you for telling me.
[instrumental music]
[inhales sharply]
[laughing] Chuck,
you never fail to crack me up.
Coming up after the break,
a possible sighting of the bagger murderer
by the local mayoral hopeful,
Donna Clank.
And now
a word from our sponsor.
Farm-fresh corn, mashed peas
wholesome sweat potatoes.
All your baby's
favorites prepared
without the violent presence
of knives or blades.
All our food
is delicately broken down
and moistened by the mouths
of 100 percent real mothers.
[instrumental music]
Baby-Bird. Because machinery
is not a mother.
[instrumental music]
Alright, bud,
just like we practiced.
Alright, focus up, Julian.
Get the ball back to me.
So far.
Come on, hustle up, Julian,
throw it back.
There you go.
Okay, well, that was over there.
Alright, buddy,
you can do this.
Eyes on the ball.
Get that glove up.
I am made of stone.
- Ow!
- What are you doing, man?
No, it doesn't hurt.
Oh, come on!
[Julian bawling]
What? What happened, baby?
Daddy hit me with a ball.
He was messing around.
You have to catch it, Julian,
then it won't hit you.
He didn't even try. We're
wasting our money on baseball.
Shh! Shh!
Julian, don't you wanna be
on the All-Star's?
Bob is trying out
and so are Dan and Rostaffano.
Everyone makes the team.
Did you remember
to buy me a new toothbrush?
- Yes.
- What color?
Oh, red, it's red.
I never had a red toothbrush.
Yes, you have!
Mommy, can I watch "Popeye?"
No, baby, it's a school night.
You're a school!
your mother is not a school!
"I am mom.
I'm full of classrooms.
So many clocks in me."
Get to your room!
Get out of here!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
- I..
- Don't listen to him.
If anybody's a school,
it's Julian.
[instrumental music]
[tires screeching]
[Little Helen chuckling]
Come on, Julian.
We're running late. Let's go.
[Little Helen grunting]
Come on, Julian,
we're runnin' late.
[Little Helen chuckling]
[dramatic music]
[Little Helen coughing]
Let's go. Come on, come on.
Come here, Julian, Julian.
Come here.
I'm so sorry.
[instrumental music]
I'm so sorry.
- Kihap!
- Kihap!
- Kihap! Kihap!
- Kihap!
[Julian yelling gibberish]
Do you wanna go to paint
your own pottery later?
- You're drinking again, right?
- Oh, fun, yeah, I am.
But, actually,
tonight's no good for me.
Well, I have to go tonight.
- Oh
- I feel silly going by myself.
Oh, I really wish I could go.
I... I just promised Nick
I was gonna watch a program
with him later.
[children yelling]
How often
do you and Nick have sex?
We actually have a set schedule.
We have sex five times a week.
- Five times?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's really great.
[children yelling]
Is everything okay
with you and Dennis?
Hm? Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Uh, we just, like,
aren't having sex right now.
Everything's really good,
It's, um, it was just like
really busy up at the lake.
- Hm.
- Hold it! Hold it!
You have got to read
"Mating In Captivity."
- Hold it.
- I bought it, I'm going to.
No. No.
[instrumental music]
[Little Helen chuckling]
[Little Helen shushing]
Oh, my God.
Happy birthday to you.
[dramatic music]
[Little Helen grunts]
[Little Helen chuckles]
Happy birthday, honey.
I love you.
[instrumental music]
Are you wearing panties
around your neck?
- Huh.
- Happy birthday.
- You want me to open this now?
- Yeah.
- Huh.
- It reminded me of you.
I made it. Well, I painted it.
Do you like it?
I think I like it.
Happy birthday.
- But I don't play the flute.
- It's a pipe.
Did they not have any
without a flute?
I... it's not you.
Well, who is it?
The reverend's here. I gotta go.
- Julian, where is your mom?
- I don't know.
I'm really happy you came...
Oh, please, I haven't missed
a single party since my divorce.
Oh, my God! Look at the pool!
It's so big! Jesus!
What happened to your yard?
Are you guys talking
about how big the pool is?
Oh, yeah,
I honestly think it's too big.
We just already had
such a big hole there, you know
after they found that
horse skeleton in our backyard.
Oh, right, that horse!
Whatever happened with that?
Oh, do you know they actually
sent it off to be carbon dated?
Apparently, it's much older
than they initially thought.
Nick didn't tell me about that.
That's so cool, Jill.
I know, it's crazy to think
all these years
we might have been sleeping
above a prehistoric horse.
- Unbelievable.
- Well, it can't be that old.
There weren't even horses
in North America
until, like, the 1600s.
Oh, yeah, I was thinking
about that, too
and then I remembered Pangaea.
Oh, my God!
Jill, what if your property
was part of Pangaea?
What's Pangaea?
You stop that. We're Christian.
It's okay, sweetie.
We'll be back.
Julian, do you have to go?
I gotta get some chips.
Julian, please,
just go to the bathroom.
- I know you have to.
- I don't have to.
Please. You can't
have an accident tonight.
I don't have to go,
I never have to.
Well, we're not leaving
this room until you go.
Good! I love this room.
Julian, I'm begging you,
please use the toilet.
I could live in here.
That's it, I've had it.
- Give me that Purple Heart.
- No!
You're not allowed to wear
grandpa's Purple Heart anymore.
But it's Hawaiian!
Your grandpa didn't lose his leg
in Oahu
for you to bring shame
to his medal.
Daddy said I could wear it.
He said you could wear it
if you're good!
But you're not,
you're being bad!
[dramatic music]
[men laughing]
We were all laying out
in the grass one night.
- All of us men.
- Hm.
And Nick and I looked up
and saw the Big Dipper
and then the little one.
And I asked Nick, "Which one
do you think is better?"
And he goes, "Well, Dennis
"you can't have one
without the other.
On their own,
they're both just dippers."
- You are so funny.
- The man!
What's he doing?
[intense music]
Dear dad.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Dear daddy
[breathing heavily]
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
- What in the world?
- That's a dog, right?
I don't have a dog,
but I know that's a dog.
He's wearing
his grandfather's Purple Heart.
Julian, are you a dog now?
Julian, is that you?
[music continues]
It's him.
Hey, buddy. Hey.
Smaller bites, Julian.
No one likes a piggy.
[bell ringing]
Julian, come on.
We're late, we're late.
Okay, you've got your math book.
Your homework's
in the front zipper.
Oh, Julian, you need
your glasses to see the board.
Come on, baby, please.
Please, just try. Keep them on.
Oh, Julian. Oh..
Snake bites, cholera
an ox kick to the head.
The majority of pioneers
who traveled west
along the treacherous journey.
Everyone has a worksheet
on your desk.
You'll see on the right side
of your worksheet
a list of the six most common
causes of death on the frontier.
And on the left side,
six blank spaces
for you to fill in
your closest family members.
I want you to take your markers
and connect each of your loved ones
to the way you imagine
they would die.
- Yes, Shad?
- Should we include ourselves?
Okay, class, let's review.
What was the main source of
income for the prairie people?
Corn, farming corn!
That's right, Bob.
Let's raise our hands, though.
Come on, Julian. Hi, Ms. Human,
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Um, I have Julian here.
He's a dog now.
Well, he's tardy.
Okay. Come on, Julian.
Come on, Julian, right here.
Julian, honey.
Right here, this is your desk.
This is your desk.
Hi, Julian.
Raja, you can play with Julian
at recess.
Now, Dan, can you name
the most successful sharecropper
ever in this county?
Your mom.
That's right. My mom.
Denise Human.
[instrumental music]
Denise Human was a woman
Killed many men
Killed my brother
and my sister too
My father tried to stop her
That was dumb of him
[instrumental music]
Jill. Hi, how are you?
Does Julian seem
really different?
Um, yeah.
Wow. Yeah.
I have a bunch of robes.
I was just bringing them over
for the clothing drive.
- Robes?
- Yeah.
I got four
for Christmas last year.
- Oh.
- Do you want one?
- No, that's okay.
- Oh, excuse you.
Okay, good to see you.
Wait, Lisa, I..
- I wanted to talk to you.
- Yeah?
Well, I don't want to be
an Indian giver.
Oh, Jill, it's not okay
to say that anymore.
Oh, sorry.
Um, I don't wanna be
a Native-American giver.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I wanted to ask.
Now that my only child is a dog
would it be possible for me
to get the baby I gave you back?
I don't know, Jill.
Um, I can see
why you would ask me that.
But I just don't think
Dennis would go for it.
Oh. Okay.
Well, doesn't hurt to ask,
[instrumental music]
It did hurt. I didn't like it.
Yes. Yes, yes!
There he is!
Yes, come here.
Alright, yeah. Good boy.
Julian, go long!
Yeah, there you go, boy. Dig in!
So fast. I'll be damned.
Ah, that's who
you were meant to be. My son.
Hey, Julian!
Julian, come get me!
Come get me, boy! There you go!
There you go! Yeah! Oh!
You're gonna be an All Star!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[instrumental music]
He's so fast, Jill.
It's incredible.
He's actually trying.
I got tired before him.
Honey, is everything okay?
- It's just, he's so different.
- I know.
Heh. I know.
- Sweetheart, you seem sad.
- Oh, oh..
You have to admit,
this is a lot to process.
Um... Jill
I think he's going through
a bigger change than you are.
Yeah, of course.
Julian, wash up, dinner's ready.
No, it's not.
Oh, that's sweet.
I think it's pretty when they
are lumped together liked this.
Yes, the lump's too good.
It's fun.
[operatic singing]
Keep up, Julian!
It's great you guys
still come to the games
even though Julian's a dog now.
Of course, we do.
[indistinct chatter]
Does your latte taste weird?
I was just thinking that.
Oh, my God!
Lisa, you're pregnant?
I know!
- Ah!
- Oh, my God, Lisa, you're huge!
- Thanks, Marriott.
- Hey, has anyone seen the ball?
- Baby, look at Lisa!
- Oh, wow!
Hey, congrats, man.
- We're having another baby?
- Yes. I am so happy.
- Whose dog is this?
- That's Julian.
- Julian Davies?
- Yes, our son.
Oh! Well, we can't have him
on the field. It's regulation.
He's the fastest one out there.
I'm sorry, Nick,
he keeps going offsides.
- Offsides?
- Yeah.
Come on, man, he's seven!
He can't kick.
He doesn't get it. I'm sorry.
- But..
- I can't believe I dated that guy.
"He can't be on the field.
It's regulation."
Oh, my God, that's good!
What? What?
I can't! Gosh, I can't.
- Uh..
- Oh, that's good.
- Oh..
- Oh, that's good.
Julian, don't eat grass.
[instrumental music]
Thank you so much
for coming tonight.
Your presence warms my heart.
She was so young.
I appreciate your presence.
Just makes you think, "Why her?"
Thank you so much
for being here.
Yeah, why her?
Thank you for your presence
here tonight.
You know, Buck's gotten
really into western wear.
- Western wear?
- Yeah, ever since the divorce.
Our divorce!
Thank you for coming tonight.
Dennis said Buck's living
above the post office.
Yeah, he can fart all he wants
up there.
Thank you so much
for being here.
Your presence means
so much beyond.
Excuse me. Excuse me, everyone.
Have your attention, please.
Thank you all so much
for being here tonight.
Exactly one month ago,
my sister, Cheryl Hoad
returned home after teaching
her favorite yoga class
Baby Bikram,
to find her home invaded
and her walk-in closet
completely empty.
A neighbor reported
seeing a bagger from the Eagle
trying to walk across
the cul-de-sac
wearing all of Cheryl's clothes,
which, to be honest
included a lot of clothes
I had let her borrow.
I'm smaller than her,
but she can wear
some of my stretchier items.
The bagger also left with all
of Cheryl's gymnastics medals.
I could never do gymnastics
because I have a delicate knee.
Cheryl was a beloved sister,
daughter and ex-girlfriend.
Her ex-boyfriend, Rob,
is here tonight.
I set them up
because Rob's not my type.
- You dated Cheryl?
- Rob?
- I mean, kinda.
- Rob.
I think everyone would like
to hear you talk about Cheryl.
- I'm so sorry.
- No.
It.. I really don't think...
- Just a little bit louder, Rob.
- Okay.
Um... hey, everybody.
I'm Rob.
Your presence warms my heart.
Thank you so much.
Uh, Cheryl and I dated
what, two months ago?
You know, it was mainly
night-time stuff.
Um, I don't know
what else to say.
I mean, it didn't end up
working out.
But, uh, it's how
I would've had it with Crystal.
Crystal's my new girlfriend.
Crystal, did you maybe wanna
say something about Cheryl?
I didn't know Cheryl.
I didn't know you guys dated.
- Okay.
- No, yeah, I had, we had...
Rob, I just think
everyone would like
to hear you
talk about Cheryl now.
Cheryl had a beautiful face.
I see it all over town now.
It's haunting
to think about that.
If what happened to Cheryl
happened to Crystal
I don't know
what I would do and..
Oh, God!
Oh, honey..
Rob, I think
we should go back down.
I love you so much,
I don't want to have
anything bad happen to you.
I'm gonna protect you,
I promise.
I love you more than my mom,
I think.
Is that okay, mom?
- Mm-mm.
- No.
We really should get off
the porch.
[indistinct chatter]
[Little Helen sobbing]
Kids with knives
kids with knives
Kids kids with knives
[Lisa grunts]
Is this "Kids With Knives?"
- Lisa, you look so...
- What?
Your legs look so long.
Where's the remote?
Bob, close your eyes.
Oh, my God,
this is "Kids With Knives!"
Jesus, w... what happened to
"Little House On The Prairie?"
It ended!
Uh, sweetheart, let me zip up
the back of your dress.
It's backless.
You look like shit, Lisa!
- Bob!
- You're grounded!
Fine! You assholes
don't even let me drive!
How could you have let him watch
"Kids With Knives?"
I had no idea.
I'm changing.
[instrumental music]
- We're so excited.
- Oh, of course, yeah.
Oh, you're certainly
going to have your hands full.
Uh, yes.
Well, in a couple of years
Citronella can babysit.
Yes, please.
She was such a help
with the twins
when they were younger.
My mom didn't pay me.
I have no money.
- Okay.
- Oh..
You know, Paige and the new baby
are gonna be Irish twins.
- Oh, what does that mean?
- Huh, Irish?
- Irish-American twins.
- Oh, of course, yeah.
Jill, I love how you cut
the crusts off the sandwiches.
Oh, that's what they do
in Europe.
- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.
Everything is so nice.
It feels so European.
Yes, it's so you, Lisa.
I'm happy to do it.
Lisa, have you been to Europe?
- Oh, yeah.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
Uh, Jill,
didn't you go to Europe?
Oh, yeah, Nick and I went when
I was pregnant with Madison.
We went to Paris and then France
and then we took a train
over to Berlin.
Oh, wow!
Now, Berlin, is that safe?
Oh, Berlin.
That's a good baby name.
- Mm-hmm.
- I like the name Anastasia.
Um, my name is Jim.
- What?
- What?
- J-I-M?
- That's right.
- Nick?
- Uh, Julian's got ten more minutes.
- I have to talk to you.
- I'm listening.
He's not playing.
Yeah, Jill, try this.
- No.
- Come on, it's really good.
Is it pool water?
Yeah, but frozen.
- Nick, something happened.
- What?
Mr. Dudley called.
Julian's not invited back
to Rocket Math.
Oh. Okay.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Aren't you upset?
What, did you think he was gonna
become an accountant?
No. No, I guess not.
What happened to that picture?
- What picture?
- Julian's baby picture.
The one in the mist.
Oh, yeah, that picture.
Did you take it down?
- Why would I take it down?
- Nick, please.
I don't wanna forget how he was.
Jesus, Jill, he's right there.
His hearing's incredible now.
I want that picture.
You know, did you ever think
how it must feel to be Julian?
See all these pictures around
that don't look like him anymore?
But, Nick, don't you miss him?
Julian just got awesome.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Julian, I'm gonna turn off
your dinosaur lamp
but your twinkle lights
are still on.
Do you want me to read you
another story or..
Never mind.
[intense music]
The stars above us
Are shining bright
And if you die
Before the light
The Lord will take your soul
And He'll love it tenderly
He'll cuddle it
he'll kiss it
And keep it on a shelf
And clean it and dust it
He will not disrespect it
He will love yourself
Shh. Goodnight, Julian.
Let your body be heavy
in your bed.
[intense music]
How long were you in labor?
Not long. It was easy.
I just lifted my dress
and he fell out.
We were a little worried
about the initial bounce.
- Of course.
- Hm.
But then he landed
with his branding, Wilson
right-side up, we thought
"Okay, great.
Why not just name him Wilson?"
But then we remembered
Wilson is Tom Hanks' baby.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yes, of course.
Well, how about Twilson?
I love that.
Hey, Bob, would you go
and get some of the bars
that Mrs. Davies brought over?
I wish I was aborted!
Well, no bars for you.
I'm so sorry.
They're not bars,
they're just brownies.
I'm really sorry about that.
Is that my statue?
[instrumental "Yankee Doodle"]
Jill? Jill? Jill?
I finally started reading
"Mating In Captivity."
- I love it.
- Oh, she is so smart.
I had to follow along
with my finger.
- I've been reading it out loud.
- Yeah.
[door opens]
Hello, class.
And thank you... for being here..
with all of your chakras.
Uh, Cheryl didn't leave
any instructions, so..
I'll now play a movie.
[breathing heavily]
This is "Twister."
It's... all about energy.
[breathing heavily]
[instrumental music on TV]
- Yes!
- Yes!
More pizzas coming, everyone.
Dan, Rostaffano,
stop holding hands.
- Hi, Kim Ann.
- Hi, Marriott.
Are you an ice dancer?
No. Are you pregnant?
Can the twins
come to Magic America with us?
Oh! Ah..
We didn't bring a present
because Raja wanted
to invite the twins
to Magic America.
Oh, I see.
Um, well, Rostaffano
can't ride roller coasters
because of his heart.
You know he was sat on
in the womb.
Didn't you know that?
I thought everyone knew.
I... I must've known.
[Buck sighs]
Citronella, does your mom
ever ask about me?
Well, did you give her the check
I gave you, for the knives?
Those are for girls.
She said the check you gave her
wasn't enough.
You don't get the discount
Well, fuck!
Now, listen up, kiddo,
this ball's gonna be
a little heavier than your ball
at home, alright?
To be honest, I'm a little worried
about you on these slick floors.
Don't run as fast as you do
in the backyard, alright?
You'll be fine.
Just take it nice and easy.
- Here we go, right here.
- Lisa, where is Bob?
- He's not here. He's grounded.
- Again?
He's going through
a bit of a phase.
Raja said he's had to stay late
for detention every day.
I think she has a little bit
of a crush on him now.
Yeah. Uh, no, he has to stay
late, but it's not detention.
You can tell Raja. It's, um..
He's in Rocket Math, yeah.
- He's in Rocket Math now.
- Wow!
- Bob is in Rocket Math?
- Yeah. Yeah, he is, Jill.
Um, Julian
probably didn't mention it
'cause he's a dog, but, yeah.
Actually, uh, Julian
isn't in Rocket Math anymore.
- He's not?
- No.
I... I was really upset
at first,
but then Nick made a good point.
He's probably not gonna be
an accountant.
- Nick said that?
- Yeah.
I really don't like
that he said that.
Well, I'm sorry,
did anyone ask Julian
if he wants to be an accountant?
No, but...
- Are you happy?
- Huh?
Are you really happy?
I don't know.
Maybe you should get a divorce.
Oh, yes!
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Wait, Nick?
I.. Julian, can I have
a moment with your father?
Oh, sure. Go ahead, boy.
I want a divorce.
- I'm sorry, Nick.
- Oh.
I think we should get a divorce.
No, no, stop that.
We could talk about it.
Hey, what is, what's wrong?
- Oh. Well, oh..
- I'm sorry.
No, don't do that.
Don't do that.
I don't want that. What are you ta..
What are you talking about?
Don't.. What are you doing?
Honey, stop this.
Did you hear me? I think
we have to get a divorce.
You don't know
what you're talking about.
Stop that.
What are you talking about?
Then why are you doing this
in front of all our friends?
What, do you wanna go home?
We can talk about this...
I wonder if he'll get
into western wear.
- Don't do this.
- I just did it.
I... I can change,
I can fix it, whatever you want.
- No.
- I'll do whatever you want.
I don't understand this either.
- Please, please.
- I..
No, married people hug.
- Married people hug.
- No, don't do this.
[tires screeching]
Oh, here she comes.
Here she comes. She.. Okay.
[Little Helen breathing heavily]
Just go. Shh, shh, shh.
Bedtime, bedtime, it's bedtime.
[intense music]
Julian, your father and I
need to talk with you.
There's no easy way to say this.
Then don't.
Although your dad and I
both love you very much
my friends think that it's best
for all of us right now
if your dad moves in with Buck
above the post office.
As you know, Julian,
Kim Ann recently got a divorce
and she says she's much happier, so now
my friends think I should get a divorce.
Well, I don't wanna live
with Buck.
- He farts in his sleep.
- Nick, please.
No, you please.
I don't wanna do this! Stop it!
Julian, we want you to know
that this is not your fault
and it absolutely has nothing to do with
you not being able to play soccer anymore.
Well, you didn't want
to divorce me
when he could still play soccer.
It's really not
that you can't play soccer.
We love you and we know soccer is
harder for you now with your new body.
He's faster than ever.
Julian, sweetie, do you have
any questions for us?
I have some questions!
- Nick, please.
- No!
It's okay, sweetheart.
[Nick panting]
I think you need
a drink of water.
Shh, goodnight, sweetie.
[door shuts]
[intense music]
Okay, Dennis, if I could just
have you take a step to your left.
Bob, let's see that smile.
Don't you fucking talk
about my face slit!
He doesn't smile anymore.
- Bob is bad now.
- Oh.
Okay, well,
actually, I'm losing..
Um, what's the little one's name
- Paige?
- No.
Oh, Twilson.
Yeah. I'm losing Twilson.
If you could just rotate him
forward for me. Perfect.
[camera clicks]
Okay, I think we got it.
Um, I was thinking
we could do some now
where I'm seated
with the babies
and Dennis and Bob
are kinda over my shoulders.
You wanna sit?
Like, on something?
You guys got a chair?
I can figure this out.
Shayna? Shayna, sweetheart.
- No!
- Please?
What? What is going on?
These people are asking
for a chair.
- What?
- Why?
That woman wants to sit her body
on something.
For the picture.
Okay. We can do that.
One sec, one sec.
So just..
Easy, you know, easy. Don't.
- Okay, there you are.
- Oh, no, no, I... I'm so sorry.
I... I just wanted
any kind of chair.
We don't have any other chairs.
That one was really expensive.
Oh, um, okay.
Uh, yeah. Uh, this is great.
- Thanks.. Thank you so much.
- It's not a problem.
Um, Dennis,
if I could just have you take
a couple of steps
closer to your wife..
- Perfect. Maybe..
- Sorry. Hon..
Are those the only outfits
you brought?
- Uh, yes.
- Um..
- Right, honey?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay.
- They look good.
- Yeah.
They look really good.
One, two.
[clock ticking]
[keys jingling]
[intense music]
Is anybody home?
I'm just getting
some pool water.
[music continues]
[leaves rustling]
[music continues]
Where's your mom?
Are you home alone?
Oh, you poor thing.
You don't have any clothes on.
You sure you wanna do this?
Sorry. I'm ready.
[Jill sobbing]
[doorbell ringing]
Nick took Julian.
Ah. Jill, I know.
Nick called over here.
You have to help me.
We have to get him back.
Jill, I think it might be best
for Julian
to stay with Nick for a while.
What? He's all I have.
Nick said
you left him home alone, Jill.
- Yeah, but...
- He's seven.
Nick found him naked
in the yard.
Well, I was just gonna be gone
for one minute.
He sleeps so much now.
A haircut is not one minute.
You clearly got a blowout.
- It looks good.
- Thanks.
You're going through a lot
right now.
I think you should go home
and take a bath.
Do you want me to walk you home
and draw the bath?
No, that's okay.
Just... just let me know
if there's anything I can do.
Okay. Thanks.
Well... now that I don't have
any family anymore
is there any way you'd consider
giving me my baby back?
No, Jill.
And I don't want you
to ever ask me that again.
- Lisa..
- No!
Don't make me feel like
I'm some kind of monster
for not giving you my baby!
You gave her to me, Jill.
I love her just as much
as I love Bob and Twilson.
But, Lisa, you have so many kids
and I have none.
You did that to yourself.
You can't possibly think
I'm gonna give you Paige
just so you can go
and leave her naked in the yard.
Her name is Madison!
No, Jill, her name is Paige!
Paige Wetbottom!
[door slams]
And He'll love it tenderly
Muah, muah, muah.
And keep it on a shelf
On a shelf
And clean it and dust it
No dust here.
And will not disrespect it
He'll love yourself
Okay. Rocket Math! Ha-ha!
Yeah. Okay.
Julian's not invited
back to Rocket Math.
Lisa, come on!
Don't eat grass, Julian.
Julian, don't eat the grass!
Remember Pangaea?
[Little Helen grunting]
What are you doing in my house?
- This is my house! Who are you?
- What?
- I'm Jill, I live here.
- Oh, my God, get out!
No, I... I live here.
Uh, that's my underwear scarf.
Oh, this? This is..
- No!
- Yes, this is my house!
No, get out! This is my house!
No, this is all my food.
You're using all my stuff.
- This is my stuff!
- No, it's mine!
- No, I'm sure it's mine.
- This is my house!
Please, I don't think
you're right about this.
Oh, I am trying
to get dinner
on the goddamn table!
But eggs are for breakfast.
Eggs are for breakfast,
it's a breakfast food.
- No!
- Ah! Ah!
Get out of my house! Get out!
Get out of my,
get out of my house!
- Please..
- Get out!
- Get out of my house!
- I don't mean to be rude.
Are you sure this is your house?
- Yes! Yes!
- Okay, okay!
- Yes!
- I'm sorry!
Please. Uh, uh, please.
And leave me alone!
I'm sorry.
[intense music]
No! No, no, no,
it's your turn.
Please, you go. You have to go.
Please, someone just go,
I have to go.
Got it!
[tires screeching]
[music continues]
[cows mooing]
[cows mooing]
[Jill sighing]
[intense music]
[intense music]
[Jill grunting]
[cows mooing]
[tires screeching]
[instrumental music]
[vehicle honking]
[tires screeching]
[vehicle honking]
[music continues]
My house.
[knocking on door]
[door opens]
- Are you okay?
- Yes, yes, I'm fine.
Do you need me
to call someone for you?
No, I'm sorry.
This is the house I grew up in.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
My house.
I'm sorry, I just..
I just feel like
I don't know who I am anymore.
Uh, so I thought..
...if I could just come here
and sit on the toilet
I used to think on..
Mm-mm, I need to get these kids
back to bed.
Oh, of course.
Are the..
Are these all your children?
Oh, my God.
[Jill chuckles]
They're so beautiful.
Oh, okay, ma'am,
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
You have to go.
Excuse me, actually..
Would it be okay
if it's not too much trouble..
Could I have
one of your children?
- Okay, okay, no.
- Wait.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
[door latches]
[switch clicks]
[Jill sobbing]
Oh, Chuck, you're an animal.
- You're an animal!
- Ha-ha-ha!
In other news, after
a grueling month-long search
the bagger murderer, suspected of
killing local yoga teacher, Cheryl Hoad
is finally in custody.
The suspect, Little Helen Frownfelter,
was apprehended moments ago
in the home of recent divorcee,
Jill Davies.
Little Helen has confessed
to accidentally backing
Cheryl Hoad down a staircase,
causing her untimely death.
You know, it's funny Cheryl
was the one to die early.
She was never early
for anything. I'm always early.
I was born two months early.
I was so skinny.
Really skinny.
The skinniest baby.
The whereabouts of Ms. Davies
remain unknown.
However, Little Helen claims
that Ms. Davies sped off
in her golf cart.
Little Helen's story has been
corroborated by three neighbors
who witnessed Ms. Davies
being rude at a four-way stop.
And now,
Haven Nutt is on the scene.
Thanks, dad.
I'm standing here with the woman
who discovered
the bagger murderer.
Lisa Wheatbottom. Uh...
Oh, no, it's Wetbottom.
I did discover
the bagger murderer.
I went over to talk to Jill
and that strange woman
answered the door.
I recognized her
'cause she taught
the longest yoga class
I've ever been in.
Ah. I've always wanted
to do yoga.
- You should, it's really easy.
- Hm.
Anyway, I was like,
"Where is Jill?"
And Little Helen was like,
"I am Jill."
And then started screaming
at me that I had to leave
'cause her kids are in bed.
And, obviously,
I knew it wasn't Jill.
Jill doesn't have kids anymore.
So I went to the police
and now I'm on the news.
I'm on the news, too.
Ma'am? Ma'am?
No, no, you can call me mommy.
Okay, yeah,
I have to go to the bathroom.
Thank you for telling me.
Come on.
[Jill laughing]
[indistinct yelling]
[tires screeching]
Oh, my God!
[instrumental music]
[indistinct yelling]
I'm so glad you're okay.
I felt so bad
after you left yesterday.
That's why I went over
to your house.
- Yeah, I saw on the news.
- You saw me on the news?
- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
So I've been thinking a lot
about what you keep asking me
and I've changed my mind.
Oh, my God, Lisa,
you're giving me my baby back?
Oh. No.
You can have Bob.
You stupid, hideous net!
That's okay, Lisa.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
She's so cute, Jill.
I love her.
[intense music]
Why don't you guys come over
later and swim?
- You don't have a pool.
- Oh, I do now.
I was at your house last night
after the cops took
the bagger murderer away
and I was looking around
and I thought
I would actually be
much happier here.
So I called Dennis
and he came over with the kids
and our stuff.
So, yeah,
we live in your house now.
Thanks, Jill. I actually have a
question about the thermostat.
You live in my house?
I don't think
Nick's gonna be okay with that.
He knows. He lives there, too.
- Nick lives with you?
- Yeah, he's our pool boy.
- Well, pool man.
- What?
Oh, Jill, obviously,
you can have my house.
Haven't you always loved
my plush carpeting?
Well... yeah.
It's yours now.
Thank you.
[whistle blows]
[baby whimpering]
[intense music]
Hey, Lisa?
Do the children play soccer
on graves?
I never noticed that before.
[indistinct yelling]
[Bob screaming]
Jill, where are you going?
I think, I think
I have to get out of here.
I have to get out of here!
[whistle blows]
Out of bounds.
[breathing heavily]
[intense music]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]