Group (2023) Movie Script

(ambient music)
(logo exploding)
(ambient music)
(ambient music continues)
(ambient music continues)
Good evening everyone.
Welcome to the Ashore Group of Users, Inc.
First of all,
let's all thank Dan for generously agreeing
to host tonight's meeting.
Thank you, Dan.
[Attendees] Thanks, Dan.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
I am an addict and my name is Tommy.
[Attendees] Hi, Tommy.
Thank you all.
Now remember these unfortunate truths.
First, our pain doesn't always
have an obvious source.
Second, sadly,
the conflicts that we face in our lives
rarely have the resolutions we want.
As always,
I want to thank each
and everyone in this room
for being here, for taking
this very crucial step
towards your ultimate goal of recovery.
Now tonight, we are
doing a round robin format,
not a tag format.
So we are going one at a time, in order,
clockwise, one person to the next.
No calling on anyone,
just one at a time in a
nice, orderly manner.
There's one must that
applies to everyone attending
that no drugs or paraphernalia
be on your person in these meetings.
Now if you do have anything
like that anywhere but in your system,
need you to take it outside, leave it,
and then you'll be welcome back in.
Finally, and most importantly,
no one is to disrespect anyone else here.
We do not judge each other in this place
because you are taking the first step
toward helping the most
important addict in your life,
yourself.
Now I want to remind everyone
that we should refrain from any crosstalk.
We want to be constructive, helpful.
Any questions before we begin?
(jarring instrumental music)
(coughing) I'm Matt and I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Matt.
It's been four days since I last used
and if I wasn't in trial
and closing tomorrow,
I probably would've
used most of those days.
I definitely would've used today.
(sighing)
I don't
wanna be a guy who uses,
and more importantly,
I really don't want my kids
to have a father that uses.
I mean, yeah, professionally,
it hasn't been too detrimental,
but personally it has been.
And my wife,
she just really wants
me to stop using entirely.
But I have to work. I
have to support my family,
but I don't think I could
do my job effectively
without the help.
How do you know that?
Excuse me?
I said, how do you know?
[Tommy] Mm-mm.
Because I've never done it without them
and I'm fucking good at what I do, okay?
I mean,
first semester of law school
and I couldn't sleep at all.
Stressed, constant study,
worried I was gonna flunk out.
I was
fooling around with this girl, classmate.
So she hands me this little
white pill, tells me to take it.
So I take it,
chase it with like 10th
Red Bull of the night
and I never even ask what it is.
Turns out it was Adderall and,
man, my focus became sharp as hell.
I calmed down, I, no
more wandering thoughts,
no more fatigue, no more loss of interest.
Like everything's great. I
make it through law school.
And like, I mean I'm
still good at what I do,
but now I am this world
class procrastinator
with weird body aches.
I mean, my first major case goes to trial
and it's this guy who's accused
of assaulting several people behind a bar,
then brutally beating
this inmate into a coma.
I mean, knocked his fucking eye out,
roughed up a couple of guards.
In trial, I am great,
but the weeks leading up to it and whenever
court is adjourned for the
day, I'm fucking horrible.
I'm a mean son of a bitch.
I can't turn my mind off for anything
like stupid shit, random shit.
I gotta acquittal on everything
but the inmate assault.
This guy was looking at close to 30 years.
I got him 27 months. I fucking killed it.
I mean, two weeks
later, I had another case,
financial fraud shit and full acquittal.
I, this guy was a really important client.
And I took him out for drinks afterwards
and he asked me why I was so high strung
and tense all the time.
And I told him about the Adderall shit
and the problems being off it.
Couple drinks in and.
I tell him that I'm burned out completely.
And he says he's got the hookup
for the normal high
dose, quick release shit.
And I call the supplement a small bump.
(attendee slurping)
It fixed the problem for a bit,
kept getting results,
personal life was great.
Then the effect were off faster
and faster and faster,
and I just kept feeling more
and more like complete shit.
My wife and I got into
this (suspenseful music)
Massive fight.
She told me to give up the drugs
and I did not take it well.
Then
she tells me I should give up the job too,
the job that pays for her fucking life
and our daughter's private
nanny that she just has
to fucking have this uptight,
judgmental, miserable,
shrill woman who openly
judges everything we do
and treats me like shit,
even though my wife is the asshole to her
and I'm the one who fucking pays her.
[Tommy] Matt, let's try
to keep it on track, man.
(sighing) Sorry, yeah.
(attendee slurping)
So,
I bumped on the way home
because it'd been a really fucking long day
and I had to get this brief filed
in federal court when I got
home and the shit had worn off
by that point and my head was throbbing
and I just,
I just felt like I was going to explode.
So when she made the job comment,
I said the most
vile shit to her.
So she attacked me, rightly,
and I just reacted.
I, I, I,
I shoved her off me
reflexively and she hit the wall.
(tense music)
But I was so enraged that I just,
I punched the wall right beside her hard
and my daughter saw it all.
(suspenseful music)
Anger therapy has helped.
I don't feel
guilty any longer about
not being there for my clients.
Your fucking clients?
[Tommy] Sullie.
You, you treat your wife like shit
and you traumatize your daughter all
because she wants you
to cut back on the coke and,
and take a vacation from
getting kid touchers out of jail
and you feel guilty to the fucking scumbags
that you... No.
[Attendee] No crosstalk, Sullie.
That's enough, both of you.
This is not constructive or helpful.
We are all here because
we are addicts and we suffer.
We have all made mistakes.
We are not here to judge
each other for our past mistakes.
We are here to help each
other control our futures.
Fuck it. Yeah, sorry.
Okay, folks. Moving on now.
Would you please introduce yourself?
(piano music)
(clearing throat) My name
is Jackie and I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Jackie.
It's been almost six and
a half years since I last
used,
but every single day of those six years.
I have wanted to use.
(sighing) I, I wanna use right now
and I should be thrown
in a fucking pit for that
because the last time I used
my son barely survived.
(sniffling)
(sighing)
I was an expert mixer.
Anything you gave me,
I could mix it with gallons
of vodka or gin or tequila
or whatever shit beer
my husband had on hand.
Basically, I mixed booze with life.
I've always hated Christmas.
When I became a mom,
it became this pressure-packed obligation
on top of something I hated.
I work as a line producer
for a couple shows at any given time,
but Thanksgiving hits and the industry
fucking shuts down for like six weeks.
So you don't have that distraction of work,
and the holiday is like a weighted vest.
But you know those first couple weeks
after Christmas stuff too,
the kids are home, the
decorations have to come down,
you're feeling every meal of the holiday
and then New Year's comes around
and he remembers all
those New Years you had,
the reckless ones.
You know those New Year's eve parties
where you know you're going for like months
but you're not seeing anyone
and you don't have a date but you,
you're gonna kiss someone
when the ball drops.
Those were the best. (Sighs)
And when you're there you don't think.
Well, I was really that
back at the end of 2016,
more so than other years.
It was a bad fucking year.
Trump happened
and my son was in that
stage, four years old,
where he could learn and
do but never fucking listen.
But my husband was running double shifts
for some commercial shoot over the holidays
and it was just me and our son
and our nine month old daughter.
And our son,
our son just did everything.
I told him not to, went
everywhere I told him not to.
Eleanor was a rough delivery.
They put me on paracetamol
but it didn't help the pain at all.
Even when Ellie slept,
I was in too much pain to take advantage.
Ellie wasn't gonna breastfeed,
so medicine wasn't much worry.
They kept me on paracetamol
and they added dihydrocodeine to it.
It made me nauseous,
so they switched it to straight codeine.
And of course, I was drinking.
I was sleep deprived.
My doctors just upped the dosage
anytime I mentioned
feeling unusually depressed.
[Attendee] So dead.
So that New Year's,
I was already dreading
what 2017 would mean.
I had just brought a
daughter into the world
and that fucking joke
was about to be president.
Here we go.
The pain of knowing that was
like another child I had to care for.
Paul had been in terror
for two straight days.
Ellie was sleeping for the first time and,
fuck, it felt like weeks!
And still, I couldn't sleep!
I popped six of those fucking codeine
with a mouthful of Tito's.
I chased that with a couple
screwdrivers light on the OJ and.
I passed out.
(jarring electronic music)
I woke up to the screaming!
I ran out the door.
Paul was screaming, just scream!
(wailing)
(jarring electronic music)
Two broken legs.
They told me he was lucky.
(sobbing)
(sniffling)
I haven't drank or taken
any medication since
and I haven't missed a single group.
And I want to be proud of that,
but the thing is,
Paul is 10 now
and he seems fine,
but I wanna be sober when
he graduates from high school.
And I sit him down alone
and apologize to him for
failing
him so badly.
And I hope to hell he forgives me.
(sniffling)
Thank you. Jackie.
Would you please introduce yourself?
(quirky energetic music)
No break after that one?
Okay.
Hi, I'm Tricia.
I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Tricia.
It's been about
three to four days since I last used.
I don't
wanna stop using per se.
I want to
not need to use.
Hmm. Can you
explain that a little, Tricia?
Oh yeah, absolutely.
So I started selling my pictures
four, five years,
five years ago.
And they're nothing.
Medium interest maybe.
Well, I guess there, I guess
there was a lot of interest,
but it wasn't
because of my art,
it was because my art
has naked women in it.
I was a lit major.
I was a candidate for
Fulbright, for my poetry.
Poetry is, is just, it's like my passion.
I, I first found my muse in nature.
I would go for a walk,
see something beautiful,
make a note of it, and then
write him a poem about it later.
I was walking on this trail one day
and there was this puddle.
It was one of those
puddles that kinda like hangs
around a while after it rains.
There was like a lot of
puddles like that on this trail,
but I only looked down
'cause I didn't wanna step
in a nasty puddle and get
my shoes wet, you know?
And when I looked down, I
saw it and it was clear and still,
and I raised my camera to
my eyes and I got the shot
and it looked so amazing
on my camera screen.
But I like sped walk back to my dorm
and I uploaded to my
computer and there it was, it was,
it was this raven sitting
on this gnarled tree branch
looking like regally off into the distance.
And there was this cloud
that was shaped like a heart
forming behind it and it was
all reflected in this puddle.
And it was so beautiful,
but a poem would not fucking come to mind.
That sounds tragic.
Shut the fuck up. You
look like you still listen to 311.
So I, I went to the computer lab
and I printed out some copies
and I stared at those
things for fucking ever.
And, and eventually inspiration came,
but then I wrote the
poem right onto the picture.
And that's how "Raven's Dream,"
which was one of my poems, came to life.
Whoa, you wrote "Raven's Dream"?
Your tr
Ah, no real names. We protect
each other's anonymity here.
Go ahead, Tricia.
Oh, that's all right.
So that's where I got the idea.
[Ricky] So sorry guys.
That's all right.
That's, that's where I got the idea
to write my poems right onto the pictures.
And, you know, it did
well academically, but I,
I couldn't make a living off of it
outside of like academic circles.
I was walking
down a lakeside trail one day.
They weaved outta the
woods and then it would go in
between these like lakeside
hill houses and then the water.
These houses had a lot of
windows that faced the water.
And during the morning,
day, early afternoon,
you couldn't see anything in these windows.
But once the sun like dipped down
on like the west side of the
lake, you could see right in.
And I looked up.
You know, you always,
you always gotta look up.
And I saw this woman standing there.
There was no blinds, there was no curtains.
Her lights were on so she
couldn't see anything out,
but I could see in.
She was completely naked
and fucking absolutely beautiful.
And I, I raised my camera to my eyes
and you know, I could tell, like again,
she couldn't see me,
but I couldn't see her.
I, I didn't take the picture.
I, I wanted to, but, you know, I didn't.
And that was that.
I started taking photos of nude models
and then writing my
poetry on blown up images.
And, you know,
you gotta post on social
media in order to get your art out.
So that's how NTB Foa tree
was born, you know?
My roommate,
she was my model through a lot of college.
She was a graphic designs
major and a marketing minor.
And she was the one who
helped me start my Instagram.
And, you know, long story short, I,
I became a fucking influencer
instead of a poet or even a photographer.
These poems, they take a,
they take a long time to compose
and the photos and the models
take forever to book and set up
and 95% of what I get
is completely unusable.
And on top of that,
I have to make these social media posts
and monetize them in
order to make a living.
I became exhausted.
And then more exhausted.
And then I couldn't work
because I was seriously fucking exhausted.
(tense music)
So my boyfriend,
he gave me some coke
and that worked
until it didn't.
And one day he cuts me a line
and he tells me that it's
some really good stuff
and I snort it and immediately it felt
like my eye was about to
pop out of my fucking skull.
And I panicked.
But like after a minute
I calmed down and I
wasn't exhausted anymore.
So I asked him, what, like,
"What was up with that coke?"
And he told me, "It was crystal."
(tense music)
One rail and I was up for three days
with no high.
Yay me.
But three days after,
I came down and I was
fucking useless for a week.
Another rail, boom, three
days of fucking amazing work,
and then another week of just misery.
I tried to do it without the Tina,
but the exhaustion overcame any
fucking motivation or capacity for
coherent thought that I may have.
So Tina and I are like conjoined twins
when it comes to my poetry.
And then the four to five
days after when I come down,
I feel like absolute shit,
exhausted,
insecure,
suicidal.
I can't do my art without it.
Fuck! God, I'm lame.
I used to be able to,
and all I want
is to be able,
to be able do that again.
So that's me, yeah. (Chuckles)
(attendee scoffing)
Excuse me. You can keep
your comments to yourself.
A fucking influencer, seriously?
At least these other losers have real jobs.
I don't know who you
are, but you don't know me.
You don't get to judge.
You're here just like I am.
- My problem is
that I'm forced to be in a room
with all these fucking rejects
because my cunt of an ex-husband
You do not disrespect any
of the members of this group.
You will treat everyone with decency,
respect and common courtesy.
[Attendee] That's right.
Yeah, great. Excellent.
Let's just keep moving.
You're all great. I'm special.
Let's just get this shit over with.
(objects clattering)
(bright music)
Hey, everybody. I'm
Ricky and I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Ricky.
So in my previous life I was a paralegal
for let's just say a really big law firm.
And they took on mostly
major personal injury cases
and the paralegals
and even some of the
newer attorneys were sent out
to take a lot of photos of
places the accidents took place.
So that was a lot of rundown
buildings, broken sidewalks,
and like the junkyards
where the cars were
taken after the accidents.
So basically a lot of these places had
like really negative energy
and were filled with people who were,
I really don't like to say
it, but they were toxic.
Anyway, I took the job
with the understanding
they'd be working in the
immigration department, right?
Or if I didn't start there,
at least I'd be able to be
promoted there pretty soon.
But after three years,
I was pretty much just a
glorified stock photographer.
Oh my god. Tricia, I'm so sorry.
I hope that wasn't triggering
for you that I was like paid
to be a photographer, but like,
I wasn't getting paid
because I had any
artistic vision or talent or,
because I was like, you know,
taking photos of naked people.
I was paid because I had
an eye for good evidence
and like could find the purposeful ugliness
and imperfection in things.
Or if anything I would like
find the negative energy
and like distill it into photographic form.
You know what I mean?
Where was I going with this?
Okay, anyway.
So my addiction started off
like one of those cartoons, right,
where someone takes a snowball
and rolls it down a mountain,
but by the time it gets to
the bottom of the mountain,
it's like the size of a house.
So I needed
drinks, like alcoholic ones,
you know what I'm saying,
to get to sleep at night.
And at first it started off
with just like a little nip, you know?
But then I needed more
and by the time I
realized it was a problem,
I was drinking pretty much like
an entire handle to go to sleep.
Why don't you go to AA?
[Tommy] Could we
please stop interrupting?
Oh, it's okay.
Look, I know you're new here,
so you don't know these things,
but I have a medical marijuana card.
So the thing is even though alcohol was
and is my main addiction
led to everything else,
and cannabis is totally natural,
it's really important to me as a vegan,
AA won't let me in unless I
lie about that part of my life.
And that part of my life is inseparable
from my spirituality and my mantra
and lying would defeat the
purpose of getting better.
Really? Lying would defeat the purpose?
Yeah.
If you can't be honest with yourself,
you can't get better.
(attendee laughing)
There's no way you're serious right now.
I, I, I don't understand
what the hostility is,
but yeah, like being
honest is really important.
Of course it is.
That's obvious because you're still here
after nine years or
whatever the fuck it's been
because you clearly are incapable
of being honest with yourself.
I specifically said no crosstalk.
And you also said a
common needs two weeks ago
that we shouldn't use drugs or alcohol
if we feel we're forced
to be in the closet.
Those were your words, Tom, your words,
What the fuck did Tommy mean?
You said something like,
"Oh, the closet is where we
go to hide from our, our trauma."
So if we use, it makes
it easier to stay there,
oh, to manage the self loathing we have.
"It makes it feel safer to stay inside."
Weren't those your words, Tom?
Okay, okay. Yes, I did say that.
But in common needs,
we have a specific goal for everyone
beyond just addiction, generally.
I think that I... Wait.
What are you implying? I, I...
- Oh honey,
I'm simply stating
that you're so fucking deep in the closet
I'm surprised you found your way out
in time for this meeting.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Sweetheart, two things.
One, Otto Anylegalwits here is gay.
And two,
you're more allergic to
dick than he pretends to be.
Goddammit, Joe.
What's the matter with you?
What the is wrong with you?
You know this pisses you off
because you probably
declared with your first breath,
but you should be proud
and so should he, and possibly her.
Okay, you know what?
Joe, you're on a journey
and we, each one of
us, we're on our journey.
So respect the tenets of this group.
If you have something
constructive to say, say it,
but don't come in with
these little insecure attacks
and maybe don't
project your sexual
fantasies onto other people.
Oh, excuse me?
Uh-uh, uh-uh. Excuse me.
I need you to calm down, okay?
Ricky, please continue.
Thank you.
Anyway.
- I said at the beginning of the meeting.
As I was saying,
the avalanche of my
addiction started with drinking.
I would dread getting up in the morning.
I would dread putting on that suit
or just walking out that door.
Drinking at night led to killer hangovers
in the morning and a bad fucking attitude.
I would go work at an office
that I hated eight hours a day
or I'd be sent off to go to
the site of some tragedy
to photo document the worst
day of somebody else's life.
The only solution I
found was to drink more.
I was still on time, kept showing up,
but I, I wasn't really there. (Tense music)
I wasn't really present.
I don't know. No one noticed.
I looked like shit.
Kept, kept going, right? (Tense music)
But I got sloppy.
I went on the fire escape
and I didn't even look out there really.
If I had, I would've
seen that it was rusted.
The second step I took,
my right leg pretty much
went straight through it.
(tense music)
It basically degloved
the muscles on my calf.
[Attendee] Oh, snap.
And they sewed up my
new road-map-looking leg
and gave me a bottomless
script of Oxycodone.
I took it as directed
for the first few hours,
then I chased it with a bottle of alcohol.
Then I took more than directed,
about three to five times more.
Took a matter of days,
and then I was hooked.
I became a full-fledged
addict pretty quickly.
I was off work.
They gave me shit about workers' comp,
but that was fine 'cause I,
I pretty much decided I
was never going back there.
And I pretty much found
the energy to go to the doctor,
get the script and haul
my ass to the liquor store.
That was about it.
I would've done anything
just to get those pills.
The money didn't last.
Crashed on friend's couches.
We'd shoved my own mother,
even took money from
her purse a couple of times.
(tense music)
One day,
somehow I had no memory of how,
but I woke up in a hospital bed
and I, I freaked out.
I, I just knew I never
wanted to end up back there.
I went through days of withdrawal and
took me weeks to look
like my normal self again
and years of recovery
and coming to this group
and following its tenets.
So,
now I do a lot of things.
I teach yoga.
I sell tinctures and supplements
on Etsy that I make myself.
And I even do reiki.
Some of you might have
heard of it, Reiki with Ricky.
It's my handle on a lot of things,
and yeah, I'm doing pretty well.
Thank you so much
for sharing with us, Ricky.
(instrumental music)
Good evening everybody.
My name is Haulston and.
I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Haulston.
(clearing throat) I
am a rising senior at.
I, let's just say one
of the colleges in the
greater Philadelphia metropolitan area.
I was fifth in Rushing last year for that.
That doesn't matter.
Anyway, if I want to match
those numbers, my senior year,
I, I, my, my dad and my coach said that I,
I just have to do better.
That's the bottom line.
So you're still in
school, still on the team?
Oh, yes ma'am. Yeah.
I'm, I'm committed to doing
better and I will do better.
There won't be no more issues outta me.
My girlfriend is a Delta.
She's at a sorority on campus.
She's a, she's a sister there.
And they were having this party
and you know, I, I
love my girlfriend a lot,
but man, I hate those
parties. (Chill music)
Yeah, it, it's like, you know, the people,
guys and ladies, they,
they, they want you to, to,
to do all this stuff that
you don't wanna do.
And, and, and they're all acting like,
I mean, they're kinda like assholes
and they want you to do
keg stands and shots of Jager
and all this other stupid shit I hate.
And these fucking games,
I, I hate every one of
these stupid fucking games.
Never have I ever, what
the fuck is that, right? Okay.
So my girlfriend, you know,
shoplifted a pair of Keds
from Foot Locker when she was seven
and got finger blasted by Drexel freshman
and his cousin when she was 17.
I don't care.
Why the fuck do, do,
do all of her sorority sisters
and half the football team
and everybody from Sigma
Beta need to know about it.
You know what I mean?
How is this relevant?
[Tommy] Just to let him have his process.
Oh, sorry ma'am.
So (sighing) I started
passing this bong around
and yeah, I'd never smoked before,
but everybody was smoking and I felt
trapped.
I, I, I know how that sounds,
but when, when people
start like talking at me, I,
you know, I, I don't wanna be rude,
so I, I, I try to be polite.
Well, actually I try to, I try
to avoid those situations,
but I, I couldn't.
It's a, it's a, it's a
personal failing of mine.
I know that.
But when I'm feeling,
like socially trapped,
I, I get really anxious and I, I end up,
you know, I end up
doing all this stupid stuff
that I don't want to do.
Are you here for weed?
The bong was passed to
me and I took a hit, ma'am.
I started coughing like a
fool and I wasn't about that.
So I, you know,
I was fixing to get it
right and get outta there.
So I, I hit it, I hit it again and I,
I inhaled real deep... Fucking hay scene.
Pardon me?
Just keep telling your
harrowing tale there.
Ma'am, you could wear
the horns off a billy goat.
Fuck's sake.
Stop that. Go on, Haulston.
Well, you know, it
didn't sit well with me.
I mean, I didn't take to it at all
and I just tore plumb out the frame
for like six or seven hours
(sighing) and I just,
I just started acting a fool
in the house, you know?
But everybody was too drunk
or too high to think it was any trouble.
And those people, they just encouraged it.
Yeah, I started,
that's when I started seeing stuff weird,
like wrong, you know?
But I tried to, I tried to, you know,
laugh, enjoy my way through it, you know,
going with the flow, playing along.
I did the dumb dancing in
the living room with all the,
all the couches pushed up against the wall,
did the stupid funneling, now
shotgun PBRs with everybody.
And that whole time I was thinking,
what are those ribbons for?
Are those real?
Like, do they actually win those?
When and why?
If the beer tastes like cat piss,
did they win anything at all?
Were, were they the first beer?
I dunno, you know.
So anyway,
(clearing throat) I
started feeling really sick
and.
I don't know, I thought I was
gonna throw up right there.
So I ran out the front door
onto one of the main campus drives and,
and that's when the world started spinning.
I got this idea
that everyone in the world
knew what I had done.
And somehow I got an idea that, that my,
my mom knew what I had
done and she was there
and she was ready to yanking on my tail
for being so fucking stupid.
And then this campus
security officer came up and,
and I'm not, I don't like really
remember what happened,
but I gave him this big hug for no reason
and sort of tackled him to the ground.
I was laughing like a loon the whole time
(clearing throat) while
all this sudden movement,
you know, made me sick.
And I, (sighing)
I threw up all over everything
(atmospheric music)
And then I sort of just wandered off
until campus security picked me up,
took me to the campus infirmary.
The officer was, he was fine.
Just really upset, obviously.
I came to it the next day
in a, in a world of hurt,
in a world of trouble.
I was looking up at my coach,
Chief of Campus Police was next to him
and they had my dad on speaker phone.
Coach took charge,
told my doctor to go fuck herself
and had me out on field
running laps within two hours.
He, he just kept yelling
anti-gay slurs at me
and saying that he wished my dad would
do us all a favor and come
up and beat me to death.
You know, last thing he said to me
before he made me clean all the vomit
that ruined his field was
that he hoped it felt great
letting my 62 closest brothers down.
Yeah, my,
my girlfriend thought
the whole fucking thing was hilarious too.
(clapping) Well, so my dad
comes up from Jonesboro 16 hours
so he can make sure that I get
the riot act read to me in person.
And daddy issues.
You know, first thing he
said to me was, "Boy, you're,
you're about as welcome home as UALR."
Oh, that's University
of Arkansas Little Rock.
It's rival to ASU Jonesboro.
Well, yeah, it's a,
it's a horrible thing to say
to somebody, you know,
that they're the enemy to
the pride of your hometown.
Next thing he said to me was that the,
that the town hadn't
been this upset since '98
and the whole Craighead County mess.
Fucking (faintly speaking).
So he came and he worked it out.
He said he talked to the
coach and to the president
and he worked it out.
I will skip the bulk of it,
but one of the conditions
is that I come here and,
you know, have Mr., have
Tommy sign my sheet,
you know, tell him
everything that happened,
make sure he criticizes my use and,
and, and tells me what I need to do to
stop being a pathetic, stupid,
selfish addict.
So I'm here to atone
for letting down my friends
and my family and my town (solemn music)
And to make sure that I never
make the same mistake again.
(clearing throat) If I succeed,
I get to remain in class and on the team.
So hopefully I can learn from y'all
and become more deserving of my blessings.
Thank you for listening to
my story and, and for your time.
None of that addict shit is true.
Know that 1998 reference is deplorable.
You smoked weed once.
Yes ma'am.
Sir, (clearing throat) sir?
(paper crinkling)
- [Attendee] Oh, Jesus Christ.
That's a joke.
Hey, Haulston.
Hmm?
Fuck 'em.
[Tommy] Here you go. Great job.
[Haulston] Yeah. Yes, sir.
(jarring electronic music)
(sighing) Hello everyone.
My name is Rena and I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Rena.
I've been using fairly
consistently now for about
seven years now.
I'm from Hungary.
When I first came to the country
I couldn't speak any English.
Still can.
So I learned the language
through school and music,
which is a wonderful educator
of language and communication.
So I joined the band
as soon as I became old
and resourceful enough to do so,
even though my parents said, "No."
Well, we kind booked a couple gigs here,
but we really took off in Europe.
Like we actually toured
and like sold records
and had all these amazing
equipment and awesome amps.
And I had these fucking
amazing like outfits
that I would just wear off stage
and I was just young and
stupid enough to not even realize
and just wear them for like days straight.
My dream of living this
tragic and just, I don't know,
depressed rock star life was my reality
and I was just willing to try anything
and everything, even death.
And I pretty much did.
But coke is what stuck
around and I loved it.
I still love it.
It just doesn't love me very much.
I use a lot, I do. (Sniffling)
And it hurts to do it,
but it hurts not to do it too.
So I crave it all the time right now.
(sighing) I'll do a bump in the morning
and feel better for about 20 minutes
and then I just feel worse.
(film strip machine clicking)
I mostly do it for just maintenance now.
I do a little to sleep
and then I just do a
lot more to perform well.
I used to date our lead guitarist.
We were serious for a long time.
And then one night after a show,
we were bumping on stage, you know,
and then I could just feel the coke
taking a toll on my throat.
It was burning. So I did some more.
And that beautiful
drip just helps soothe it.
(atmospheric music)
We went hard that night
and there were some girls
backstage who wanted to party
and when you're flying that
high, you know, two is a party,
three is a party and four
is an even bigger party.
I had no idea what was going on,
but that shit wears off.
So several eventful hours later.
I woke up to my throat burning,
my eyes hurting, my head aching.
So I decided to confront my ex
about the dangers of
the lifestyle we were living.
And I just knew I couldn't lead
the life we were leading anymore.
He wasn't receptive.
So I left the band and I came back home.
Now I lead a band here.
We have a couple shows in the northeast
and I write music for other artists
and I give singing lessons
and music lessons
remotely every now and then.
But I guess deep down,
I never really got over leaving that band.
And I mean, I let it
control me and it cost me.
And I mean, my use has gone down a lot,
but I feel like I just need to learn
how to cope with life better.
Jesus Christ. What pressure do you have?
What do you have to cope with?
- Allie. Allie!
You show up here with your
ear buds in, sunglasses on.
Allie!
You need to stop making noises and gestures
while other people are speaking.
What fucking difference does it make?
No one can understand these two anyway.
Oh, and that fucking mask?
You snort random shit up your nose,
but our germs bother you?
You come in here hiding
everything but your fucking forehead
so you don't have to talk to any of us
so you don't, can't hear any of us
as if we're not worthy
of seeing your beauty.
[Sullie] Yeah, being a hot rock star
just doesn't seem
like that big of an issue.
Dipshit over here is pretty
typical of most guys, right?
[Sullie] They wish.
Yeah, well, exactly my point.
So if I don't wear a mask and I smile,
men take it as an invitation to talk to me
and I better be fucking
nice and friendly to them.
Because if I'm not,
you never know if the
guy you're walking next to,
or sit next to you is a fucking psycho.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
And if I don't smile,
then they take it as an invitation to ask,
oh, why a pretty girl
like you is not smiling.
And then I better start
smiling and be fucking friendly
for the same exact fucking reason.
(tense music)
So yes,
I started wearing sunglasses and headphones
because they are visible
and it tells them that I cannot hear them.
And then the pandemic made it safe
but also normal to wear a mask.
And yes, I took advantage (tense music)
Because
there's nothing more dangerous
when a man finds you attractive
'cause when they find you attractive
they feel that you're obligated
to be friendly and nice to them
because if you're not, you are a bitch.
Or even worse, you've offended them.
Hmm.
And let me just say one thing,
there is nothing more dangerous
than a tiny dick feeling
like he is offended.
And on the other hand,
when a certain kinda
woman find you attractive
and thinks that other
men find you attractive,
she'll treat you like
shit, like you just did.
You should just know better
because you were absolutely stunning
until you opened your fucking mouth.
(tense music)
(sighing)
(atmospheric music)
Good evening everyone.
(atmospheric music)
My name is.
Dan.
I'm an addict Dan.
[Attendees] Hi, Dan.
It's been a long...
Fuck!
Can't do this.
He's not ready.
[Tommy] It's okay, Dan.
We'll get there together.
[Allie] So he doesn't have to talk?
[Sullie] Nope.
So he's done right?
Sullie, blow it out your
(energetic violin music)
(wrapper crinkling)
(chips crunching)
(wrapper crinkling)
(wrapper crinkling)
Hello everyone.
My name is, oh fuck, (object clattering)
My name is Sullie and
apparently I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Sullie.
(Rena speaking in foreign language)
Yeah.
I use daily.
Bottom line is I have to
and it's prescription shit.
You know, doctor still writes
out the prescriptions for me,
even though my old sergeants tell me
I used to abuse this stuff,
but I can't be too bad of an abuser, right?
Yeah, you know, as long
as I keep coming here
every couple weeks for the next six months,
a DUI that could exist and
charged will have never existed.
Of course. (Chuckles)
[Allie] Someone gets it.
And that same non-existent
DUI was for taking drugs
that I was prescribed
after a night shift too.
My back was fucking killing me.
So I chewed on a few
Vicodin just to get through it
and I totally missed the stop sign.
We had those new body
cam rigs a few years back.
The guy that got me
didn't really have a choice
in case the video got out.
But we talked, made some things work.
Yeah, I come here, it goes away,
and that's that. (Slurping)
I, I responded to a domestic abuse call.
They're always the most
dangerous situations,
but in reality,
the likelihood of encountering anything
remotely threatening
(film strip machine whirring)
Is very, very low.
(soothing music) (film
strip machine whirring)
I responded to the call.
I had just knocked on the door
when the fucking thing
exploded outward from the inside.
I didn't even really register
what happened before I'd been shot
three times in the chest inside.
Christ.
You know, the funny thing is the gunshots
didn't really have all that
much of an effect on me.
I mean, yeah, they didn't feel great.
Surgery sucked and
the recovery was a bitch.
All that happy horse shit but
(film strip machine whirring)
(atmospheric music)
The thing that really
fucked me was my back.
I had fallen funny.
So between that and the
lowest shot, it was just fucked.
Of course.
The pain was unbearable. It still is.
I couldn't hide it or beat it,
but even still, I went back to
work pretty much immediately.
There's no point in wallowing around.
(atmospheric music)
But I was always having to walk with a,
a stiffness or a limp
in my left leg because,
(sighs) fuck, the pain.
And I still have to sit or prop myself up
in such a way that the left side of my body
is leaning against something.
You know, like a chair or a desk,
counter, a fucking door frame, a wall,
just whatever is handy to
get the weight off the leg.
And I used to wince
a lot. I still do actually.
From what I understand
it's pretty noticeable,
but it's all just reflex at this point.
You know, like when you
bump into someone and say,
"Ow," even though it
doesn't hurt, sort of thing.
I can't stand going to bed every night
because I know how bad
it's gonna hurt in the morning.
But yeah, once I'm done
with these last few sessions,
I am done and I'll keep taking my pills
'cause I do my job and
I am good at what I do.
Just hurts like a bitch.
And really, I feel
sorry for you, all of you.
And I recognize and
appreciate your need to be here
and I hope it helps.
(exhales) Feels good to
get this shit off your chest.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you.
Joe,
would you like to formally
introduce yourself to everybody?
(instrumental music)
So I came out when I was 12
and I told my best friend first.
He stopped being my best friend fast.
But then when I told my parents,
they were totally fine with it.
I mean they, they, they told
me they essentially kinda knew.
Well, they definitely knew (chuckling)
And they told me they were proud of me
and they loved me the
same, treated me no different.
They were, are wonderful.
And my overbooked
schoolmates on the other hand,
took the sudden accurate
rumors of my queerness poorly.
Yeah, they pretty much
beat the outta me daily
until I quit school.
And it was just shit, it wasn't
even called bullying then.
It was just teasing or being picked on
or my favorite, always and
forever, boys being boys.
Right? It's the worst.
I remember this piece of shit, Jeff,
who pretty much tortured
me every fucking day
until I finally had enough.
I, I marched my way
over to Principal Al Monte's
office with a black eye
and told him all the
shit Jeff was threatening.
And he said to me, verbatim,
"Sticks and stones might break my bones,
but words will never hurt me."
I pointed to my black eye
and then he had the
fucking nerve to suggest
that kids from families of my background
aren't typically accepted
by their parents, you know,
just for choosing my lifestyle
as if anyone would
fucking choose my lifestyle.
(ambient music)
I know I was on my own.
From then on every day I was dedicated
to planning how I would
get safely to and from school,
safely from one class to the next,
from math to English without
using that one stairwell,
or passing too close to
the boys' locker room, or,
oh God, I would plan
my outfits like I would...
Cold weather is the best
'cause you can just throw
in a hoodie and like hide.
(groaning) Yeah, I was,
to put it mildly distracted.
Let's face it, all of my
focus was on school
except on none of the classes I was taking.
So my grades dropped
and eventually I saw this doctor
who ignored all of my
comments about being terrorized,
but he just gave me
Ritalin, and I loved that.
I told my parents I
fucking quit, and I did.
I promised I would get my GED and I did.
I got a little apartment in Havertown
and found a job at a temp
agency assigning people.
And I carried all that fear
and worry and planning with me.
[Tommy] Hmm.
You can meet a lot of people there
who teach you how to survive on your own.
And the first man I ever
met who flirted with me,
he, he had this smile
and he would always come in for work
with this contractor and, God,
he'd, he'd flash that smile.
We actually met out in
the wild at the laundromat.
(attendees chuckling)
And
then we got to talking and,
yeah, let's just say we had a great time.
And afterward when he offered me the pipe,
I took it
(ambient music)
And I took off.
I mean, it was fucking euphoric. (Laughing)
Like for the first time
since middle school,
I wasn't looking over my shoulder,
I just felt everything good,
everything good, dialed up to 11.
And (sighs)
Truth is, I don't remember
much for the next year.
What I do know is that I lost my job.
I made sure my mother
believed I'd been laid off,
my parents started paying for my apartment
and I started pickpocketing
and purse snatching for drug money.
(film strip machine whirring)
Yep, I was swiping purses off tables,
from the backs of chairs,
yanking them from little
old ladies in broad daylight.
I remember this one old woman
waiting for the bus
and I ran up to her and ripped the purse
off her shoulder and ran.
I, I typically take what I
eat outta the bag and toss it,
but I was too tweaked
out to fucking toss a bag.
And I woke up the next
morning with this purse
and a card just sticking out of it.
I opened it up
and just stared at it.
"Happy sixth birthday, Joey."
"We're so proud of you."
And then there's a $10 gift card
to GameStop taped on the inside
and I just mugged some kid's Grandma.
I lost my abuela when I was eight
and I think of her every day.
So, (emotional music)
I resolved to quit that day.
I still have Joey's $10
gift card as my reminder
and.
I still use from time to time,
but I'm clean far, far
more often than I'm not.
So thanks for listening.
(ambient music)
Yeah, no, sorry.
My name's Allie,
but I'm not gonna play
along with a charade and lie.
I'm not an addict.
I am a fucking idiot when it
comes to relationship choices
and I am really fucking
angry almost all the time lately,
but a couple mushrooms
does not make me an addict
no matter what that prick says.
That's fine. Anyways, hi Allie!
[Attendees] Hi, Allie.
[Sullie] I'm with you Allie.
Thank you. You get it.
Most of the time it's fine,
but you knock on a door and get shot
by some low life for doing your job.
[Sullie] That's right.
And I would bet most of those times
the story that you get from the person
who was causing the
problem is far different
from what actually happened there.
[Sullie] 99 times out
of 100, yeah, that's true.
And you handsome,
what was your name? Mark.
It's Matt.
You said you're a lawyer?
I assume in Pennsylvania since you're here.
Oh, that's really not
Timmy, I am playing along.
I am bearing my soul and
opening up and all the things.
This person here has
experience with fuckers like my ex.
So just let me ask my question
and get my story out
so we can get to the
people with real problems
and they can talk about their story
and get the fuck outta here.
So you know that in a divorce,
if one of the parties
wishes to delay things
by refusing to sign or demanding counseling
or by claiming the person
seeking the divorce is mentally unfit,
then they can just delay the proceedings
and drag things out, right?
Unfortunately, yes, that's true.
Well, I cut off all contact with him
and got sole possession
of the house, so fine.
But he would find ways
to contact me, some app,
or some bullshit that had him
calling from a random number
and I have to answer
my phone like all the time,
all hours of the day.
So sometimes he would get through to me.
So one night he uses some fake number
from fucking Arizona and I answer.
I was pissed.
We'd already been to court
once that week. Work was insane.
I just wanted to wind down for a bit.
I had some wine, ate a shroom,
which hadn't kicked in yet.
Steve knew I was tipsy.
I said, totally sarcastically,
melodramatic and obviously lying
that if I had to talk to
him for another minute,
I would fucking kill myself.
(tense music)
Then I ended the call
and dropped my phone
into a giant tumbler of coffee.
By the time the cops arrived,
the mushrooms had kicked in.
They took me to the hospital,
some section of it anyway.
Behavioral health admittance eval.
Yeah, sounds right.
I was across the desk from
this very serious man tripping,
trying to answer his questions.
I don't know what I said, but
I know they knew I was high.
Well, I certainly didn't interview well,
certainly not well enough
to be convincing anyway.
I was involuntarily committed for 72 hours.
(tense music)
I was 3.
Yes, that's it. Three days gone.
And of course Steve
used it to his advantage.
Demanded counseling, delayed things.
My lawyer got us over that
hump, but not unscathed.
How could I be unscathed?
So coming here for three sessions
was part of getting over that.
So after tonight, two more.
To be clear, I am not
suicidal and I am not an addict.
I'm stressed and I have a
fucking sadistic moron for an ex
and that's why I'm here,
not because I'm some addict, sorry.
Unless my fucking phone counts.
It does. Thank you, Allie.
(relaxing acoustic music)
Hello everyone. My name
is Mike and I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hey, Mike. Hi.
I last used
this morning,
every morning.
Fuck it.
Typical morning routine, I wake up,
pop about four Tramadol.
They're easy enough to get.
I kinda just bitch about a back injury
that healed three years ago.
Went about my day, normal day.
Popped another four after
lunch, that was like 1:32.
It's usually around one
or two every working day.
And it's whenever I want on my days off.
After dinner,
I enjoy a glass of wine
and four or five Percocet.
And before...
I'm sorry I, it's my first meeting.
I, I'm not so used to discussing this.
Well, after the dinner
and the wine and the pills,
I sit down and try to watch a movie.
I fucking love movies.
I have an extensive 4K
collection of all the classics.
"Lawrence of Arabia,"
"8 1/2" "Seven Samurai."
"Godfather," "Godfather II."
"Barry Lyndon," John Deman,
(speaking in foreign language).
I have them all and many more,
but those are the ones I've been
looking forward to the most.
And I mean I, I've been
wanting to watch these forever.
I have a great setup. I live alone.
You know, it's perfect to take advantage
of these films specifically.
So after my after dinner routine,
sit down and try to pick
out a movie to watch.
I flip through some of these titles,
but they're all like two and a half, three,
some close to four hours long.
And I just think to myself, shit,
I can't watch a three-hour movie tonight.
So I usually just end up
turning on "Community,"
watching an episode I've seen 30 times
picking up in whatever
chronological order I left off in.
And the bitch of it all is,
I end up sprawled out on the couch
for at least four hours every single night.
And I think to myself, hmm,
I could have been
watching a Tarkovsky film.
"Community" is fantastic,
don't get me wrong.
But to have all this art
and never experience it,
it's such a waste.
Oh, what do you do for a living?
I work as a claims adjuster
for a really big insurance
company with a bunch of mascots.
I am high on some level every minute
of every working day, yet I
do my job and I have no issues.
But it's not because I'm great at it,
it's not because the drugs don't affect me
or they make my skills up.
It's just that I've noticed everyone
around me has the same
demeanor, passion, energy,
and enthusiasm for
the job without the drugs
that I do with the drugs.
We all just kind of live through it.
So life has become less than monotonous.
Some of the people that
come in are the definition
of hectic and crazy.
It is so much to
process, it just stops you.
It's like trying to pour an
Olympic sized swimming pool
quickly through a funnel.
But with my morning routine
and my afternoon routine,
it all just becomes this
muddled, inconsequential mess.
I just flow through it.
My evening routine helps me get to sleep
and I just don't think
about the rest of my day.
It all just kind of disappears in a daze.
I don't think about it, it doesn't matter.
I know that everything I need will be there
when I get in the next day,
written down in notebooks
or build out in forms.
Maybe some of my coworkers
are junkies. I don't know.
Oh, we don't use that word, Mike.
[Mike] Sorry.
[Tommy] It's okay.
Maybe some of them use,
just like me. (Film strip machine whirring)
I dunno how it started,
but I use, (tense music)
And I'll continue to use
for the foreseeable future.
I really hope one day I don't want to.
And if I'm here,
maybe that's a start.
I don't know.
Thank you.
[Tommy] Thank you for coming, Mike.
(dramatic instrumental music)
Good evening everyone.
My name is Kaye and I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Kaye.
It's been four years since I last used.
Way to go.
[Attendee] That's excellent.
I am a sociology professor at UPenn.
After a stressful day at work,
I knew I was gonna be
putting in another late night.
Admittedly, I was putting
perhaps too high a priority
on getting my paper published,
but my husband was supportive.
I was keeping everything
together so my habits were seen
as something I did by those around me.
Never, not once did anyone
approach me with the idea
that my use was a problem.
Why would they?
(film strip machine whirring)
I was working my ass off
trying to crack this article
so that it survived peer review
and still managed to be interesting.
What was the article about?
Broad impact analysis regarding
a joint study I helped conduct
about how globalization
has changed local culture.
Hmm. (Film strip machine whirring)
So I went back to the office to, well,
first, to go over my
findings as a whole, broadly.
Once I knew for certain
that the results were concrete,
I began meticulously mining the data
for anything I may have
originally overlooked.
The obsession feeds itself
and obsession needs energy.
So I got that energy from well,
external sources.
So night after night, more and more work,
more and more analysis,
more and more pixie dust.
Go be a really shitty wife
to wonderful and understanding husband,
wake up, do my job well,
continue to do more work.
No eyebrows raised.
You motherfucking liar.
[Tommy] Don't you ever!
[Sullie] She is not an addict.
She's not a professor, she's faking it.
[Tommy] What the
hell is the matter with you,
Sullie?
- She's lying to us, Tim!
She's not an addict. Her
name isn't even Kaye.
[Tommy] It, it doesn't
matter what her name is.
We protect each other's anonymity.
[Sullie] She is lying
[Tommy] To pick up a name
[Sullie] To get information on us, Tim.
She's spying on us.
[Haulston] Hey, hey, now hold on, folks.
We're all on the same team here.
[Tommy] Yes, yes.
What are you talking about, sir?
Tim, I know this woman. She's a reporter.
Actually she writes
articles and fucking blogs
about nothing bullshit, about food trucks,
Amazon warehouses, executive
paintball teams, you know,
all that fucking
investigative insider bullshit.
And now, apparently, Users Inc.
That's not why I am here.
You are not a fucking addict!
(suspenseful music)
How dare you?
You know damn well why I'm here, detective!
Detective? I don't, I
Exactly 'cause you don't know shit.
You and your fucking partner,
you never tried to know anything.
You make no effort.
That's,
that's blatantly not truth.
- That's the truth,
Detective Sullivan.
That's a fact.
(suspenseful music)
I, I don't
How the fuck do you
even live with yourself?
I did everything I could, d
We did everything we could, d, d.
You, you... If that's true,
then you're much more pathetic
than you presented tonight.
[Attendee] What?
Some addict (suspenseful music)
Showing up to my sister-in-law's house,
my newborn nephew 15 feet away
and telling me that after weeks of work,
it all boiled down to some addict
and a missing business
card is all you had to go on?
Oh, so the motivation was
drug money then? Well, bravo!
Her go fucking barot junky version!
Some addict.
And that,
that was the culmination of all
of your fucking heroin days police work!
Jesus wept.
I, Hey, hey, look I get it.
You know, the fact is
my brother was less dead,
and that means his
murder was less of a private
That's bullshit!
(tense music)
Yes, it happened. And yes,
it was a big fucking problem.
And my partner just...
But never in my work and
definitely not on this case.
And not that you even
so much as give a shit,
but my police work was never heroin-dazed.
[Sullie] I gave it my all.
I gave it my everything.
Your brother's murder...
Oh, that's bullshit!
You have never done a
goddamn thing to help us
and you know that!
- Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up!
You don't know what
the you're talking about.
We looked at every... You know what?
Fucking camera that so
much as even had a chance
of getting an angle on that curb.
You just sat there and
regurgitated the same bullshit
over and over and over again.
- 283, 283 cameras.
You know what, in this day and age,
with all of those cameras
everywhere you mean
to tell me that there
is not... 283 cameras,
that's how many cameras
we fucking looked at.
Do you know how many
actually saw what happened?
Out of 283, 6, 6 fucking cameras.
Those nice neighborhoods,
those fucking people think
that everything's so safe.
They don't do shit.
They're so not diligent.
Most most of them that
needed tape didn't have any.
And fuck, most of them were fake actually,
fake fucking cameras
placed to discourage crime,
similar to your brother's dash cam.
It's fucking sick
neighborhoods in it. Okay.
Do you, out of those six,
out of those six cameras
that actually captured what happened,
do you know how many gave us
actual viewable footage of what happened?
Two, two fucking cameras.
That's less than 1%.
We checked so much shit.
We did our fucking best.
And, and even giving our
best. Do you know what we got?
Do you know what we know after all of that,
after all of that fucking effort?
We know for a fact that
some kid, possibly Caucasian,
on the shorter side with
disheveled hair, dark clothing,
snuck up behind your brother
and bashed him on the skull
with some sort of blunt object,
a hammer or a crowbar.
My money is on an iron pipe.
We know that he then proceeded to toss,
rifle through your brother's
pockets very quickly
until he found Ted's wallet.
And we also know that he found his phone
and his keys before he found the wallet
'cause that shit was
just tossed in the car.
It was found underneath the steering wheel.
He didn't give a shit about that.
Okay, so that leaves
us with the wallet, right?
He rifled that wallet so quick,
he left the credit cards, he left an Amex,
and based on behavioral charts,
he most likely took no
more than $10 in cash,
no more than $10,
possibly even less.
We also know
from interviewing your
sister-in-law that for
some reason
he took a business card from Ted's wallet
from a Dr. Vargas office,
and handwritten on the back (tense music)
Was something to the effect of.
"Ted, on September 14,
15, 2018, we find out."
Then there was the little boy symbol
and the little girl symbol.
"Can't wait. Love you so much, Beth."
It may have been an XOXO at the bottom,
I forget some of what she said.
(Kaye sniffling)
I'm sorry. (Tense music)
We also know
there's no way he could've done all that,
attacked your brother,
gone through his shit,
without getting any blood on him.
We couldn't find a bloody
bill or that business card,
and we checked every establishment
in a 30 block radius for one or the other.
To this day,
nothing.
I'm sorry that we couldn't catch. I am.
I am genuinely sorry that
we couldn't catch the guy.
And we tried, I tried real fucking hard,
but when it comes down to it,
it really was just some junkie,
no prospects, no life.
Whether you believe it or not, it,
it kills me that we failed him.
But it, it really was, it
really was just some,
some little low life piece of shit,
wrong place, wrong time, lying in wait.
And that's what kills me.
That's, that's the worst
fucking part, is all for nothing.
There was no grand scheme, you know?
It was just...
(Kaye sobbing)
Years, years now,
and nothing.
(sniffling) And deep down, deep down,
I know the detective is right.
It's just some random loser
who might not even know what he did.
I've seen the videos
and there's just no way to tell
what he looks like from them.
I mean, it could even be a woman.
(sobbing) I just don't know. (Sobbing)
That's the truth everyone.
In my shoes, not your shoes,
not your job back then in my place,
what the fuck would you have done?
I'd be doing
exactly what you're doing.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry
not solving that case,
whether you believe me or not
eats at me
every single day.
(Kaye sniffling)
Thank you, detective.
[Sullie] Thank you, Kaye.
[Tommy] Oops, we're
all so sorry for your loss.
Excuse me, Tommy, for interrupting,
but I think I'm ready to
open up now, if that's okay.
[Tommy] Oh, shoot, oh. Sure, Dan, yes.
We are all here for you.
[Attendee] Yes.
As I said,
my name is
Dan and I'm an addict.
[Attendees] Hi, Dan.
Been a slave to my
addiction for 61 years.
61 years. Damn.
My addiction,
it's older than most of my
friends in my life ever were.
Imagine if John Lennon or Robert Johnson
or Janice Joplin lived as long as my urges.
Tommy, I don't know where to start.
Oh. Wherever you feel comfortable, Dan.
Okay.
Yeah.
Might as well start at the beginning.
(chuckles) (attendees chuckling)
(film strip machine whirring)
To be completely honest,
my mom got me hooked
when I was about 12 years old.
[Attendee] What a fucking bitch.
(suspenseful music)
She put me on a path
(film strip machine whirring)
To addiction and consumption.
From that moment on, I was hooked.
I couldn't always get a fix,
so I had to rely on what
my mom could provide.
Got through high school. (Chuckles)
I got accepted in a college
in, in Syracuse, New York.
No shit. I went to Le Moyne.
I got accepted at Cazenovia.
[Matt] Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Matt] I know that place, Lake town.
Yeah. Well, I'm so fucking old, you know?
Cazenovia, that college
doesn't even exist anymore.
[Matt] No, I know the place.
Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gorgeous lake town, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah,
and they accepted me.
No one the place shut down. Yeah.
Now, 1972, I had to go to Southeast Asia.
The heroin, the opium,
you forget what people say
and near half of everyone
there was doing that shit.
It was good shit.
Government knew this.
When it became public that Nixon put.
Operation Golden Flow into effect
and the troops had to submit a clean test
to get a trip home, dirty
test, you stayed longer.
They stayed a long time, you know.
I wasn't there too long before I had to,
I was forced to start killing.
Became chaotic, messy.
(suspenseful music)
Oftentimes I didn't know
who I was or what I was doing,
what you have to do, what you have to do.
And by God, I did everything I had to do.
And of course, I gave in to the urges.
I just wanted to say that as a vegan,
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Yes, sir. Thank you
for serving our country.
Seemed like my time there
was never was never gonna end.
My mission just went on and on,
But eventually I made enough
progress to return stateside.
[Rena] So did you get to go to college?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I went to a community college
and I picked up the EMcertificate and I, I got to work.
Yeah, put the baggage, the
problems
that I took to Asia
and the problems that I picked up in Asia,
they didn't stay in Asia.
They came right back along with me.
That was the only baggage
that TWA didn't lose in those days.
(attendees chuckling)
So you got to save people too, sir.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Many, many.
Doesn't make up for all the
drugs, everything else I did.
Addiction, it's like a Siamese twin.
(suspenseful music)
You know, as much as you wanna sever it,
(suspenseful music)
It's a part of you.
And even a, a successful separation,
it, it, it leaves an obvious scar.
And then, then the
memories, then there's trauma.
That's a convenient friend to addiction.
Often it's an excuse
for it if you let it be.
(blood splattering)
But trauma wasn't the,
didn't create my addiction.
(blood splattering)
That addiction bastard was with me
long before I went to Asia.
And the trauma didn't
or doesn't help it but
it's no excuse for it.
Basking in it, that's pointless.
My case, I, I, I got over
my trauma. I really did.
But my, my, my addiction persevered.
A few years ago, I finally got a hat.
I felt I had a handle on things.
But that's the trick, right?
That's the ultimate illusion,
eh, control. (Chuckling)
(film strip machine whirring)
The sad, harsh arc sodium lit truth is,
you have no control over your addiction.
What you have control over
is how you deal with your addiction.
And that means dealing
with whatever fuels it too.
And that's trauma, I think,
for many.
For me,
it was a fuel,
but it wasn't a spark.
Trauma just accelerated the flame
of addiction that was burning inside me.
You see, your trauma,
your trauma is a part of you.
If.
Addiction is a Siamese twin,
then trauma is like your appendix.
For some people,
it's seemingly non-existent
and disregarded.
But for the minuscule percentage of us
whose appendix becomes
infected or inflamed,
you
either address the situation
or you die.
God, place that trauma
organ inside your mind.
(film strip machine whirring)
Now,
if you never have to deal with it,
great.
Doesn't show up on scans. Yeah, great.
But if you have to deal with it,
you better deal with it properly
or you'll die badly.
(grunting) I was,
I was dealing,
I was dealing with it
until I got the diagnosis:
Big C.
And then I had a,
I had a change to keep on,
figure out If I could keep
on, you know, keep on,
keep on going or if I
should give up, give in.
You see, Tommy,
everyone, (suspenseful music)
That is the question I'm faced with.
Do I, do I give up and give
in because I'm doomed?
Or do I,
do I continue with my life's work
to continue to improve despite my illness?
Or do I make this adjustment
and then, and use it?
Even.
I have to change identity.
I really don't know.
Well,
first of all, thank you Dan for sharing.
I think I speak for
everyone here when I say
you are inspirational.
(attendees faintly speaking)
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, Tommy. Thank you.
And you are right, Dan.
You are dead right about addiction.
I am so deeply sorry for your diagnosis,
but you have to keep going,
you have to keep pushing.
Dan, you can't give in, you know?
You can't give in. You can't give up.
You have to fight.
You, you have to, you
have to live your life and,
and, and find the power within yourself.
That's the only way. That's
what the strongest among us do.
They keep going and they persevere.
Okay.
Tommy.
- Yeah.
I mean, even if my
wife has a expiration date,
all lives due.
Yeah.
I mean, so there's no, there's,
there's no point wallowing.
Have to be proactive.
Yes, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So,
going to...
Thank you, Tommy.
Thank you. I'm going to be calm.
And I'm going to carry on.
(gun firing) (attendees screaming)
[Attendee] Oh my god.
(gun firing)
(attendees crying)
(Kaye screaming)
[Attendee] Fuck, fuck!
(gun firing)
(Tommy grunting)
(attendees crying)
I, I... I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.
It's all about you, ain't
it, sweetheart? Huh?
If your husband wasn't such a useless cunt,
I'd shoot you fucking dead!
(gun firing) (attendee screaming)
(attendees sobbing)
(sonic waves vibrating)
(sonic waves vibrating)
(sonic waves vibrating)
Oh, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
This could work.
Tommy, (Tommy sobbing)
I, I had a breakthrough tonight.
- Oh!
- Oh.
Come Tommy, Tommy, (Tommy sobbing)
I had a breakthrough tonight.
You're doing incredible work. Oh.
(Tommy sobbing)
Oh, Tommy, Tommy! Tommy.
(Tommy sobbing)
Tommy, Tommy! (Tommy crying)
It's okay!
(Tommy sobbing)
Tommy!
(Tommy sobbing)
(Tommy sobbing)
Don't worry about cleaning up.
(Tommy sobbing)
(Tommy sobbing) Tommy, Tommy!
(door creaking)
(Tommy sobbing) (door thudding)
(Tommy screaming)
It is what it is
It was what it was
Oh yeah it goes away
Like today
It touches us all
Like a breeze through the trees
The stronger the love
The harder the fall
It is what it is
I know how that feels
Time wins all races
It's part of the deal
It's how coming around
The whispering its call
The sound so heavy
The fog rolling down
It is what it is
It was what it was
We're left with what was
It is what it is
(guitar music)
So pass me that joint
And I'll have a shot too
I don't care pick one
'Cause I've got some of reliving
Of memories to do with you
It is what it is
It was what it was
Time wins all races
It's mother nature's call
We're left with what was
It is what it is
It is what it is
It was what it was
It is what it is
It was what it was
(relaxing guitar music)
Another beer another yesterday
Same old memory stopping in to say
What you had never was
What you found you had to lose
There must be heaven
Because I landed in heaven
I know there's angels
'Cause I know the devil so well
There must be heaven
And I landed in hell
I know there's angels 'cause I know
The devil
So well