Growing Op (2008) Movie Script
What the?
I, uh, I like your house!
It's roomy. It's very roomy.
Oh shit. Sorry!
Calm down, calm down.
#PLEASE KEEP OFF
THE GRASS#
#SOLD#
Hey Mom, Dad?
#GROWING OP#
Hey, hey bud!
These little Afghanis are loving
bat guano steeped with coffee,
So I'm going to move
them to a 18/6 cycle
Oh and don't forget to clone the Tasmanians,
they're going veg in a day or two
Dad, do we have to keep your bat
shit formula in the regular fridge?
Bud, it's just until harvest.
And for your information, thats
primo guano imported from Malaysia.
One of these days, I'm gonna be tired
and I'm gonna drink it by accident!
Well, maybe you wouldn't
be so tired if you weren't
doing that whole
'gardening' thing on the side.
It's not a 'thing' Dad, it's my job. - The
suburban lawn is a nothing but a mutant
monoculture which bears
no resemblance to nature.
What is it? You need a raise in your
allowance? - I don't even spend what I have.
Quinn, there are a lot of kids your age
who would love to be in your situation
How do I know? I don't
know any other kids my age
Well try the internet It's a great way
for social exiles to find each other!
Alright my little baby,
I hope you're thirsty
Grow
Hi sweetie Im just finishing up
my column, then we'll start.
Do you know where your sister is?
Home school There's no escape
Park it gently
Aristotle's conditions for change are
two opposed states of being
Such as X goes from being F
to being not F, or vice-versa.
Very insightful, Quinn. Yeah, I think that
just about does it for today, guys.
Mom, what, what's my grade?
Since when do you want a grade?
Yeah, Quinn Who needs grades?
Mom, you used to teach real school.
And I want to know what I'd get.
Well, the point of grades in real school
is unhealthy comparison
But if you want to compare,
here's a list of some more
exceptional people
who were home-educated.
Tennis Star Serena Williams.
Country singer Garth Brooks.
'Garth Brooks' Good God
- We're waiting to be impressed, Mom.
It's not to impress you.
It's to remind you that you're not alone.
Yeah well, misery loves company then.
Ok for tomorrow please identify and
sketch three cloud formations
And I suggest that you
get to it before supper
Class dismissed
So what's up your butt lately?
- Hope, you know, just leave me alone.
Why, are you gonna go masturbate?
Cause if that's what's up,
I'm cloud-sketching elsewhere.
Nothing's up Hope, except that I just turned
eighteen and I'm already a wanted criminal.
Yeah So?
No, I told you, I don't
want you guys selling to losers.
If you vouch for them,
fine, but if they stiff
us, theyre getting
their faces ripped off.
You too. Love ya, later. Bye.
I got altocirrus.
- NO WAY, I called altocirrus!
I'm already drawing the fucking convection
layers! I call below the troposphere.
Tough. She's all mine.
- Bring it, bring it.
Stop it. Hope I called that cloud
and that cloud called me back
I have stilettos.
- And I have altocirrus.
Jeez, Quinn. We could be
looking at this in a book.
Don't you ever feel like
you're missing something?
No bro, I hang out at that school
I see what those saps go through
Hope, I want to meet normal people
Quality people, who aren't
involved in the illegal drug trade
I'll try not to take that personally
- Jeez, is it wrong to be part of LIFE?
I mean ok, we're in
it but we're not in it!
All its because our parents.
Chill, man. We're not some crime op
with pit bulls and AKs
Mom and Dad are boutique dealers
Great. Maybe they'll give us all
'boutique' cells in prison.
Quinn, you want quality? There it is.
Dad's sweet new Mongolian hybrid.
Beautiful.
Yeah.
You fuckin brown-noser.
Are you done already?
It was easier in the country.
More space. Fewer distractions.
Hmm Like those police choppers
circling every other day?
I find that to be
pretty distracting, Diana
He needs a girlfriend.
- Then maybe he'd loosen up already.
Jeez, how did we ever bear
a kid that doesn't inhale?
Sure he's mine?
The only thing he knows about females
is from sexing our plants.
Maybe we should get him a hooker
Ahh, great idea
I don't want you to hurt yourself boys
but please be careful with that.
Marilla. They can handle that.
That's what we're paying them for.
I got it here.
Alright. Easy, easy.
Hi
- Hello
Uhm, I'm Quinn and I mow
some of the lawns around here.
How nice of you to offer
We're the Connors, from West Haven
Dr Charles Connors
And where do you live, Quinn?
- Oh just across the street.
Oh, I love the aubergine
trim around the windows
Charles, look!
- Marilla, we've discussed this.
We're not 'aubergine trim' people.
Hey, where do I put the good china.
Crystal.
Hi.
- Hi.
This is Quinn. He's offered to take
care of our grass. - Uh, your lawn.
Of course. - Crystal, the china
goes upstairs, as in, inside.
Hey um, d'you wanna
walk to school together tomorrow?
I still don't know where it is.
- Well.
Sure, okay.
Great I uh, I'll see you then.
I see your parents take
great pride in their property.
The only good weed is
a dead weed, I say.
Charles is fussy about appearances.
Burn them all, won't you?
Bag them and burn them to ash.
You know, my parents say
pretty much the same thing.
Welcome to the neighborhood
Thank you
Doctors, huh? From West Haven
I hear that in West Haven they
will flog you for chewing gum in public.
Well then, they'll keep to themselves.
That's good. - No, that's great
All these flamingo-worshipping
dolts keep to themselves
because that's all they
care about is themselves
They're not all dolts. - Most. You know,
you kids should be enjoying this.
There's almost no rebellion left.
- Not if I can help it, Dad!
I don't know what upsets me more, Missy
The fact that your street
sales are putting us at risk
or that your goods are
cut from my castoffs!
I wouldn't sell these to a frat house!
Quinn. You just guanoed
the same seedling twelve times.
Oh
Stop!
- You don't get it Hope. We clicked.
Bro, you're so deprived, you'd
probably click with a plush chair.
So what's the problem?
- Her parents are conservative types Hope.
They'll probably think we're a pack of new
age eco-lunatics, at best. - Well, we are
And when she goes to
school tomorrow, it's OVER
Some guy is gonna snap
her up in a nanosecond
Some quality guy who plays
sports and his family doesn't grow
dope or have bat shit cappuccino
in their fridge or a kid
sister running a CARTEL
from the back of her Jeep!
Some of those school boys are hot.
In a smelly-beast kinda way.
Yeah, you're screwed.
- You're a big help, Hope.
I don't get it. Are they related,
or are they dating?
They're related and they're dating
So she broke up with the other guy?
Mm Quinn, uh you better
put on some sunscreen
There's a bit of UV spillage
from the halide lamps
Uh how much is a bit dad?
Are we talking like a bit of cancer?
Less than sunlight. Well have to
re-fit the reflectors tomorrow.
You better put on a hat tooFF
I just can't believe
people really live like this
Mom, The OC isn't a tragedy
- More like a horror movie
You don't wanna watch this
It's very toxic to you
Who's that?
It's probably just the new
neighbors from, oh SHIT!
Wood Sprites!
Wanna buy some cookies?
What is with these kids?
Take a goddamn hint already!
Well, the lights are on,
they think someone's home
Yeah but the plants in
here are in 12-hour light
phase. If we turn them off
it'll ruin their photosynthesis!
GO AWAY, PLEASE!
- Dad, they're just WOOD SPRITES!
Well, you look like big girls
Can't you read my sign?
Wel-come!
Well-thanks, but we're not interested
But everybody else on your street
is buying them. It's for a good cause
Ah So you're selling
conformity along with toxic
sugar treats? Well, did you
know that the Wood Sprites can
trace their insidious origins
back to Lord Baden-Powell, who
was not only a neo-facist, but
was also an infamous advocate of apartheid?
What? - Yeah Ask your mom.
And tell her that you'll just have
to peddle your little boxes
of bigotry elsewhere. Night- night!
Mom, what's apartheid?
Bryce, that was excessive
I know, but how can their
parents enroll them in a scam like that?
I mean, we don't sell poison to kids.
Why should they be allowed to sell it to us?
Uh, you know why I have
trouble making friends?
Look, if we're so freaked
out by Wood Sprites, how am I
supposed to ever connect
with people MY OWN SIZE!?
Wood Sprites are evil. Theyre
a League of pint-sized little narcs.
I was a Wood Sprite
Yeah but you grew out of it
Quinn, no you gotta
leave some of the spurge
It gives the lawn natural character.
- It'll spread to the neighbors.
Hey, if a little character spread to the
neighbours that would be just fine.
Enjoy nine-to-five
hell, suckers
Spew as much CO into the
biosphere as you possibly can
Jeez, why is it that the smoke from that
thing is legal and ours isn't?
Hey, what's that smell?
New purifier.
Now the air from the house
goes through a state-of-the-art
re-odorizing filter
Mmmm Cherry blossoms
We still smell like skunk, Dad
If you're looking for it.
Think of it more as
Jerry Garcia's bubble bath
Great
Now be thankful bud. High
school is the nursery
for all of this
Hey Wanna walk to school together?
Sure I'll walk with you, but I,I
don't go to school. - You don't?
Oh, but I'm not stupid or anything
I am something but I, I don't,
I don't go to school, at school.
Really. - Well, it's just my
parents They don't believe
in they, they don't
want me institutionalized
Oh my God You're like!
OH NO I'm not like that I'm not
No, I don't mean institutionalized
as in 'mental' I mean, well sure,
sure I can act crazy sometimes but
who doesn't and I really just had a
bad case of the flu.
It was uh, oh it was the bird flu
- Oh I hear that's bad.
No, no, I'm better now
Crystal, I'm very healthy!
Well, you look healthy.
- Thanks. Thank you.
So do you.
I'm gonna get a ride with my dad.
Hey, I thought you weren't coming!
I think it's time I've
missed quite a few classes
Good because I'm totally
lost and late for my first
period. Do you know
where uhm B 241- is?
Sure It's, uh, it's that way
And then that way You hang a left
And there should be uh, stairs
Go right Right Go upstairs, right
Yeah that's a lot of stairs.
- Where is it, on the roof?
You really can't miss it.
- Okay, Ill see ya later.
Okay.
What can I do for you Quinn?
Drop slip? Multiple F's?
I'd like to know how I, how I go about,
going to school here.
Great. Okay. We're talking next year?
No, actually I'd like to start today
Oh, did you just recently move here?
- A few months ago.
Okay, well. Let's see we need a
transcript from your former school,
birth certificate, health records and
your parents need to come in
- Do my parents have to?
Yes. They need to sign
your admission docu...
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing?
I can't, this is a bad idea
Wa, wait Wait, wait
You get me health and birth records
I'll see if I can get you
in with an equivalency test
And my parents?
Most new kids get dragged
in here by their folks
Never had one come in on his own before
Must be a Halley's Comet year
Why are the police here?
Ah they're looking for drug sales. We've
had a real problem with that lately.
Mom?
- In the grow room.
I have a birth certificate, don't I?
Tell me you have some real
official PROOF that I exist!
Of course you exist, sweetie
And you don't need an official
document to say that you do
We're not North Korea!
I am not signing anything
No son of mine is going to high school!
I'm old enough to decide myself.
- Quinn, you have no idea how lucky you are.
You're getting a first rate
education from your mother
who is a certified teacher
- Mom, I love learning from you I do, but.
What more do you expect and why now?
- Because it's my LAST CHANCE!
I mean, I spend more time
talking to these damn PLANTS
than I do to people my own age!
- But Quinn, the cost
What those idiots are gonna
do to your mind. - Rote learning.
They'll teach you to
memorize, not understand
They will erode your innate
reasoning skills. - Exactly
Why would you ever want
to leave this healthy,
oxygen-rich learning environment
to go breathe recycled
farts all day in a concrete
coffin for your mind?
I don't know that sharing
a bedroom with Aunt Mary
and chain smoke is exactly
a healthy environment
Quinn, modern education
produces specialized workers
for a technical society
that is structured on an exploitative
labor model that hasn't evolved
since the Industrial Revolution.
Do you understand?
- Yes I understand but...
He understands
- Do you know most kids your age wouldn't
have a clue what we just said?
You're much too special
to be specialized
People go to high school, okay.
Decent people and I've met them.
Who are the 'decent people'?
Pol Pot went to high school
George Bush went to high school!
- YOU and MOM went to high school!
Your mom thinks that these
patio lanterns are better
for our cover than lawn gnomes
Personally Im uh inclined to disagree
Yeah like the welcome mat?
Exactly
Alaskan Thunder Fuck
Most nuanced smoke this side of paradise
Too complex to be engineered
Can't be cloned.
My personal stash.
Quinn, we didn't move
here just for the anonymity
And, it wasn't just because we were made.
- What else is there?
I felt that it was the
ultimate test for all of us
to be able to live with them
but never have to be them
Because I was for awhile.
You were?
- In the eighties. Big money.
Junk bonds. Low interest. Everyone
was borrowing, acquiring.
It was all very persuasive
And even though your granddad
was the best grower in the
country,
I took a job in the market
Everyone my age was doing
it and getting rich legally
By the time everyone
realized that it was all based
on a false valuation of
the world's corporate worth
We lost everything.
So what happened?
- You were just born.
We lived in a van with leaky exhaust
Your mother would check
on you every two minutes
to make sure you were still breathing
I lost myself out there.
I followed.
Dad, I'm not following anybody.
Just know, that your mother
and I aren't middle-aged
criminals taking our
children out for a thrill ride.
It's our freedom, bud.
It's our nature
Yours too
Whatever you do, don't risk that
Don't worry, Dad I won't
God I hate these lights
This is disgusting.
- Hope, a little privacy please.
Trust me I'm saving your life
Nerd. Nerd. Preppy scum.
Disaster.
- I bought this one special.
No. Quinn, wear this.
- No, I want to make a good impression.
Okay then well if anyone
asks, you're an only child!
Fine by me. Take this.
- Fuck off!
The books will be dry,
but you're going to ace the
sciences and I will help
with math as best I can
You look great. Like, the mall.
- Thanks mom
I made you a tahini and honey sandwich.
Mom. Mom. It's okay.
Oh, don't let them brain-wash you.
- I won't Mom.
You're the best teacher I
ever had and ever will have
So, uh I'll start on the enrollment
And, for now, you can use school facilities
to study for your equivalency exam.
Thank you, sir.
Mr Slack
You must sign the attendance sheet
If you do not sign the sheet,
you lose library privileges
Signing the sheet for
another student is prohibited
The sheet is located on my
desk under the plastic apple
Mr Kravitz you signed
the sheet you must be
here
Lenny Lenny Kravitz
Will you please identify yourself?
Then Fern goes 'Since you and Phil are just
friends, can I ask him to the prom?'
She's so dreaming.
- Well hello!
Did you see that porn she
wrote on his wall? Dirty slut.
I'm a COW on Facebook I don't need new
photos, I need a new face.
No worries! I know this doctor who
gives botox injections to minors.
Botullin Toxin A was actually first
used to treat cross-eyedness.
My mom, she calls it 'facade-omy'.
Facade' o-me?
Kravitz? Lenny Kravitz?
If someone signed in
for Mr Lenny Kravitz,
it's AGAINST THE RULES,
which clearly state
that no student may sign in for another!
GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU KIDS!?
What's going on, is he okay?
Hey, they're trying to
give him a nervous breakdown
It's kinda their
project before graduation
So why are they trying to give him
a nervous breakdown? - Because he's there.
Just try to stay off their radar.
Speaking of radar, can you
tell me how to find B241.
Up your ass and take a left.
Psst! Hey.
Hey.
Uh, what are you doing?
We're germinating seeds and recording
the various effects. I'm eating them.
I know a bit about seeds I could help
Really? That would be great because
my lab partner is a total distraction.
Hey hall rat I know what
you're thinking man but,
that's not your cheese.
Whoa, whoa. You okay?
How's your first day going?
- Well, I think I could go to biology class.
Well no, for legal reasons, we can't
really do that until you're enrolled.
Once you pass the exam, we'll set you up.
By then, she'll be set up.
Crystal? Hey so where are you going?
Home.
- Yeah? Me too. Neighbour.
Well, you know what they say about the
boy next door. - Oh yeah? Well what's that?
He's usually a serial killer.
So what's your dark secret?
- Me? There's no secrets. Like none at all.
Damn. That is boring.
So, you like Teenage Head?
- I LOVE THAT BAND!
Ohh yeah, me too. - They're so cult, like
this hidden treasure I have all their music!
I've got the original vinyl
- Get out! Really?
Hey lab partner!
Hey, hop in I'll give you a ride home.
You guys don't know each other?
- Na.
Well, Phil Steadman, class
president, this is... - Quinn. Hi.
Queen'?
- No. It's Quinn. Like the Mighty Quinn.
Checkerboard shirt with camo pants?
Its such a cry for help
Hey Crys, will you
sign my chastity pledge?
No sex till prom party
I'm raising money for Unicef.
- You want a ride too, man?
Yo, Mansteed, this is the exec limo,
not a fuckin bookmobile. Not cool.
So whats up with, you
know your sailor suit?
Nothings up I got
practice for the musical
But I still kick ass!
Hey, I just remembered.
I gotta go to the guidance
counselor to talk about
college interviews. I'll see ya
We'll be seeing you, Quinn.
Yeah. Cool.
Cool.
There's something fucking wrong about
the hot New Girl and the
loser New Guy hitting it off
They're completely ignoring our
social structure.
I KNOW who he is! He's that freaky
Boo Radley guy that mows our lawn!
You need a thing bro.
- What thing?
Jocks have sports Nerds
have mental superiority
And stoners have hot
knives and metal shop
Without a 'thing', you're
gonna be shunned by all
You've never even been inside Hope.
- With my network of sales agents,
I don't have to I have
a perfect perspective
On what? - High school, dick wad.
It's a jungle in there.
I'll protect you If I can
You're my little sister, Hope.
Little sister.
And you're like Bambi with a bazooka.
If you compromise me or the clan,
I'm cutting you loose Do you hear me?
Compromise you?
- To paraphrase Aristotle Quinn,
Don't fuck with my good life.
- Hope, there are COPS in that school
because someone,
god-only-knows-who-is selling
Cops shmops You're what scares me
Fine Fine Fine
I can handle this my own way
You are so meat.
Hey. - These are for you!
- Really? How sweet!
They're wild. Those are mums,
thats purple butterfly
and those are daisies so you
don't have to pick the school's.
Hey you should know some
people are talking about you.
Talking about what? - Philip said he
saw you peeping in his window
But I said that was impossible
because you had the bird flu
Case of mistaken identity.
Right?
Right. Mistaken identity. That.
- I'm so relieved you're not a pervert!
Me too. Talk about dark secrets!
- I never trust gossip.
At my last school, there were
rumors I was a nymphomaniac.
How awful for you.
- Yeah.
Dude, you smell GOOD!
It smells like a big spliff
Hey man, are you holding or what?
Let's hold him up from his toes.
Shower's right through there. Unfortunately,
the school doesn't supply towels so
I'll air-dry, sir
It's more eco-friendly
It's more friendly
You just like wearing makeup.
And that sailor suit. HMS Pina-Fag.
They needed a baritone bitch.
Anyone have any extra pants?
Oh my God! Quinn?
- It's not how it looks!
Some guys stole my clothes.
I'm not a pervert or anything! Really.
Soooo, college interviews going well?
Crystal, would you excuse us?
- Yep. Definitely.
Kids around here are pretty devious
I wouldn't trust anyone with my gym gear.
- Thank you, sir.
Make sure you pass the test, Quinn
I wouldn't want to lose her either
I said family meeting ten minutes ago
I don't have time for a family meeting.
I've only got TWO days left to study.
There's always time for family
And, this is rather important
We've had another outbreak
of aphids on our crop
Oh no! Dad, you don't mean?
- Yes. I've had to release the ladybugs.
Last time they were
crawling everywhere for weeks
Quinn we don't use pesticides here.
And besides ladybugs are our FRIENDS.
They're magical
Friends On the social
scale of Embarrassment,
ladybugs are a TEN.
- Yes.
Why don't we just leave
the house for awhile?
That's a great idea We
let these guys get started
and you two can help me
collect bat guano at the park
Oh honey that's a great idea.
- Our shame goes to eleven.
When they're crawling in
my bed they're a little more than friends.
You'll never get em all I'm crashing at
my safe house til their cycle runs out
As if it isn't hard enough
trying to make friends,
real friends, now I gotta
deal with these ladybugs
Quinn, build your peeps one at a time.
And remember the first rule of sales.
Which is?
- 'Only flow to those you know'
Kids, time for Dark phase!
- I'm not done studying!
Quinn, you can't!
Those are Dad's prize
clones from Chiapas, Mexico
I don't care. Hasta la vista.
- It's your Mexican revolution.
G'night, you guys I love you!
- I love you too!
Hear that? They love you
What do you think you're doing?!
- I thought you might want company.
Look into my eyes, man!
I'm a teen psychopath! Can't you tell?
I've never seen one up close.
- Only thing that keeps those bullies off
of my back is that my brooding bitterness
might set me off on a shooting spree.
You won't really, though.
Will you?
Who knows. But if you sit with me,
you're be marked like me.
But it's just lunch, eating
If you can get her
you'll be marked like a fucking hero
...silver.
- Hey not too much off that stalk.
You just cut off a good bud, Bud!
So much to memorize. My eyes hurt.
Hey well don't forget
to feed the Mexicans.
If you can take five showers
a day you can water a few plants.
You know when I was your
age I had 20 plants to take care of.
What a tired curriculum
It's a recipe for mind control
Quinn, is it really worth it?
It's for me.
- It's for you?
Hey, I don't know if you've noticed,
but we're not exactly an open house here
Hi
It's the girl across the street
What are you doing here?
- Uhm, before I forget, here.
Thank you.
- Do you want to study together?
I mean, I know you're in catch-up mode,
and I'm trying to get my
grades up for college so.
Sure. Yeah, I'd love to
study, study, with you.
Can we do it at your place?
Ours is a real mess right now.
Yeah, I'll check with my parents
I'll grab my books.
- Okay.
Our house is not messy. If anyone
can operate a full-scale indoor farm
and a home and do better...
- The answer to your question, Mom, is Yes.
It's VERY worth it.
We'll call at intermission.
But we could be back at any time.
Don't worry, Dad Quinn
has a major test tomorrow
You have a major test tonight.
- Yes sir.
So, what chemistry are they
teaching you kids these days?
Actually sir, it's a bit obsolete
What does this note mean?
'Feed Mexicans'
Foster children. We have foster
children Little Mexicans.
And uhm, we, mail them food
How sweet Now kids I want
you to stay downstairs
because we're painting the upper floors
Yes The fumes are suffocating
They're nice.
Can you believe my
parents locked the liquor cabinet?
They're scared we'll get drunk and have sex
cause they haven't had any in years
None in years? Must be really tough
Anyway my parents don't
even like me drinking coffee,
even though they knock back like a
bottle of wine a night each. Yours?
Uh, they have, their vices
The coffee's good.
- I drink it to piss 'em off.
I'd even get suspended again just to see
them get excited about something.
You got suspended?
- From my last school.
It's kind of hard to
hide a joint in your kilt, you know?
I bet. - Anyway, my Dad's
like 'I'm not paying
for private school education anymore,
blah blah blah, so we moved.
Here?
Hey! You don't have any, do you?
Uhm, Any what?
- Any weed, you dork.
Oh, wh-what makes you
think I do, I would?
I dunno. You seem like a misfit.
- I do?
Yeah but, in a good way.
You know like. No one really knows you.
You're like a mystery man.
- Mystery's kinda my thing.
I could really use a hit right now
But I can't keep any because my anal parents
search my room every fuckin' day
Well I don't have any.
- It's probably a good thing.
It makes me totally horny. - I think, on
second thought, I might know someone.
They moved away
Hey! I bet Philip could hook us up.
- Philip?
He says he's connected
and I know he's this weird,
preppy A student and his dad's
this influential lawyer, he's
got the goods.
Not tonight okay?
What? You don't wanna have some fun?
I don't want your parents
to move you away again
Me neither
You're gonna ace it I know it
I just want you to know that
my palms don't always sweat this much
Okay
Good luck
Yeah, hi I need a strategy session
I ca, I can't do it
- Why not?
Sir, I've never had grades before.
I don't know how to memorize.
I'm gonna have to tell Crystal I failed
and my dad, he's probably gonna be happy.
Your dad would be happy you failed?
I wasted your time and I'm sorry.
- A kid comes to me without records.
Maybe he's got a
history he's not proud of
I don't see a kid who wastes time
I see someone who wants
to stand on his own
Or fall on his face. - No I see
someone who's ready for a test of life.
Of character Someone who's strong enough
to overcome whatever it is in
his past, make a fresh start
Let's take the shot, shall we?
Begin
Alright, listen up guys
If that weed whacker gets
enrolled here, he's gonne
be in my face everywhere
He's already working my prom date.
Options. - Well, your general
popularity makes you a shoo-in
for valedictorian, but
maintaining image, is so key.
Yeah well I better still be valedictorian,
or my dad's not gonna pay for law school.
So overt aggression is out.
- Damn!
I say rat-fuck him socially.
- His parents are soooo weird.
My kid sister is a Wood Sprite
and they scared her half to death.
My mom sees his mom at the mall
His mom shuts her eyes
and has some kinda seizure
every time she passes Baby Gap
Weird or what!
- Alright, alright. This is good.
Drop your pencil, Quinn
I hear rumours he's got
a sister who's a call girl
She talk about some guy named Aristotle
Must be her pimp
Good work people.
Now listen, let's get more.
What the?
GUYS DUDE!
The uh, the amount of
work you had to cover
in a short time was a lot
Maybe I just got caught in up trying to
graduate one more student.
Came up a little short
Of one HUNDRED, my young friend!
Attaboy! Woo! HOLA!
Way to go, Dumbass
Everything Aced the science
like the back of my hand, Mom!
Honey! We passed!
Oh well, I'm glad
somebody's having a good day
These Alaskan clones aren't
taking Too complex for me
We have a beautiful celebration
dinner planned for you tonight!
Sorry Mom I forgot to tell you Im
invited to Crystal's place for dinner
Bud, your mom and I have
been working on this all day
Let's do it tomorrow okay?
Cool. Cool.
We should know better
Living things break ground
They flourish, flower,
only to be cut down
Quinn?
Oh, no no no no no
Dad what are you doing here?
What happened to the Mexicans?
I dunno. Maybe they picked
up irregularities in the,
you know, the PH levels or...
- When did this arrive?
We're invited. - Maybe you forgot to
put 'No Invitations' on the door.
It says that 'You and Your Parents are
cordially invited to dinner tomorrow'.
Dad you're kidding? - Well maybe
your mother and I would like to.
Since when? All you do
is make fun of everyone
who lives around us. You don't
even know what's black or white.
We are the bad guys dad.
I prefer to think of myself in shades
of gray, thank you very much.
How are you feeling Marilla?
I must have picked up
a touch of flu somewhere
I'm a tad nauseous
Im famished I haven't had
too much appetite in the past few days.
I told you we should've postponed.
Perhaps we should go to the hospital.
Oh wow. The hospital. - Well there's
something 'wow' worthy about that?
Uh, no I've never, I've just
never been to a hospital before.
Not even when you had the Bird Flu?
- You had what?!
Don't do it Bryce
I figured it out He's troping
You introduce an artificial light source,
and everything bends to it
Well maybe we should bend with him
I won't let him be ashamed of us
Well, you're on your own
Quinn, when you were born, you
must've been in a hospital then
Mom, would you just let him eat?
- Oh no, actually, I was born at home.
Oh dear Was it an emergency?
So you were a, natural birth?
Natural child birth is reckless
There is no reason why the
process can't be made as safe
and pain-free as possible!
Dad delivers babies.
Dad would you just let him eat please?
Well I was so young at the time
no one asked me which one I preferred
And what do your parents do, Quinn?
Yes, what DO they do, besides breed
in a septic environment?
Would you PLEASE just let him eat
like a normal human being?
They, they have a uh,
they have a home-based
business
Well, it's too bad they couldn't join us
Yeah I know But they've
uh, they've had theatre
tickets for ages
Tell us more about them
So Mom, Quinn's uhm
planning on going to university.
Why don't you ask him about that?
Excuse me
So what are you planning
on studying at university?
I was thinking of
being guidance counselor
Or maybe a doctor
Oh no, no
Hey neighbor!
I brought dessert.
Creme brule
Interesting uhm texture
Kinda tingly.
- Tingly.
My wife sends her apologies,
she would have loved to
have joined us but she
was feeling a bit tired.
Did you enjoy the theatre?
- Oh, I plan to.
Didn't you see a show tonight?
Yes, of course We saw
a production of 'Hair'
I didn't know it was running.
Its a little early for a show to get out?
It was a shortened production
They should have called it 'Hair-Cut'
Quinn tells us that your family
sponsors children in Mexico
We don't see them that much
because they don't visit
Such a long way
And I'm sure it's very difficult
for them to cross the border.
You could most definitely say that
So you're Crystal
My son has told me a lot about you
Really? Cuz he's told
me nothing about you
I'm sorry Sorry 'Hair-Cut'
Hair-cut
Suddenly struck me as funny
Never apologize for laughter Marilla.
It is the sweetest sound there is.
And your creme brule.
Is wonderful.
Well it's an old family recipe.
Were we going to the uh, hospital?
I don't think we decided.
- Are you sure?
That we didn't decide?
- Perhaps we should. - Decide?
No. Go to the hospital.
- Maybe you should go to the hospital.
How funny feet are!
I've always thought so, Marilla.
I can't decide though
Is it just my feet or is
everybody's feet funny Charles?
Do we have spiders?
- Spiders?
Don't you see the spider webs?
There's spiders up there!
Wait awhile. They'll go away.
- We have ladybugs. They're not going away
What about the spiders?
- Who cares?
I want you to look at my feet
and tell me they're lovely.
They're lovely.
I thought we were weird
My parents are SO loose for a change.
They must really like you.
We'll see ourselves out, goodnight.
- Well, everybody seems relaxed.
Misson accomplished.
- RELAXED? Was that relaxing for me?!
I used a mild sinsemilla.
Classy buzz. Subtle undertones.
Mild makes it alright, huh?
Bud, we could've thrown
some Afghani-Durban at em,
they'd be naked dancing right now!
Her mom is sick!
- Yeah, she is better now.
You know there's more poison in
grocery store pie than in our dessert!
Stop saying 'our' and 'we'!
I had NOTHING to fucking DO WITH THIS!
Whoa!
I'm so sorry Mr Dawson. - Mom and Dad,
don't usually go to bed this early.
Ah it's quite alright I'm sure theyre
going to sleep very well tonight.
Good night, Dad.
Good night Crystal.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Good night
You okay?
Yeah
My parents have been on
the verge of divorce for
years Try living with
that kind of pressure
I can understand pressure
Hey, you wanna know a secret?
I had sex with a girl once.
- You like girls?
I wouldn't do it again, but you know
It was an honest thing
More honest than my parents ever had
Your turn
- For what?
Tell me something about
you I would never expect
You know something you've
never told anyone, just me.
What's the rush?
Shouldn't we take our time?
Well, I dunno after
grad, we may not see each
other again This could
be our only chance
I thought you liked me mysterious.
- Yeah, it was intriguing at first.
But you know, if we're gonna be close,
we should be able to talk
to each other about anything,
right?
What if there was something
about the boy next door?
I knew it! I knew it!
Please? What?
Tell me!
I, don't know if I can
If you trust me, I will trust you.
With everything.
Come with me to the prom
Then I'll tell you
It means that much to you to go with me?
Yeah
Did I, did I do something?
That's just it
Some things are worth waiting for
Notice to all students regarding
our recent ladybug infestation
There is no need for panic. These insects
are harmless, and proper measures are now
being taken to make
sure they're eradicated
The negative PH in the
control soil isn't balanced
for acidity transfer from air
Plus, the oxygen rating for
this room is lower than necessary
to support photosynthetic
food construction But with
the additions of nitrates or
dolyimetric or calcic
limestone, plus a half unit of 0,5 PH.
There you go
Hey. Since you're so good in biology man,
you must already know.
Know what?
- That I'm taking Crystal to Prom.
The best boy always takes the best girl
It's for the good of
the species. You dig?
I doubt that Darwin was referring to
the Riverview High prom.
For your own best interest
you gotta get out of my way.
Or you will get destroyed.
- How presidential of you.
See, around here man,
family means everything
And I happen to know that you're coming
from an entire family
of like, real strange-os
You want the whole school to find out?
Well, I doubt I'm the only one with
a mildly-dysfunctional.
Yeah yeah I bet you're
the only one whose Dad's
een seen collecting bat
shit from the parkette!
So you just gotta get lost again
Alright Quinn? Or you're
the one getting buried.
Maybe we shouldn't
I don't think I'm really welcome
Quinn, it's the last
party before grad week
Everyone is welcome!
Come on.
So what if I'm a bitch, right
I had a good teacher, right? My mom
Your mom is SO fucking my dad
Hello! Your dad is a total SKEEZE!
Once I caught him jerking
off watching Degrassi!
We're just having a Parent-Bash
We're going clock-wise,
which means you're next,
or is it that way? Yay! I'm
finally getting the SPINS!
I am SO going to throw up soon!
- You're happy about that?
DUH! So I can fit into
a smaller prom dress
God, you're lost!
Hey, Quinn it's your turn
Well, my dad's a pain at times.
But mostly, my parents are sorta cool.
No he can't be for real
Hey d'you wanna go get a drink?
Did I say something wrong? Cuz
No What you said took guts
Hey Quinn Come as you are, huh?
You first, mansteed.
- Dude, where are your manners?
I say, the prettiest
girl in school goes first
What is that?
Dude It's weed, man!
You don't smoke? What
fucked-up planet are you from?
No It's Jack Flash
Okay, what?
- A derivation, really.
A Bolivian strain crossed with Nepalese
Heavy on top, not peaky
Long-lasting, but a bumpy
comedown cut like this
Whoa, I dig it!
For a real high, check
out Afghani-Durban
The textures are sublime.
It's like inhaling silk.
Shit You're makin that up!
Yeah It's just weed
This man knows his smoke!
- How do you know all that?
Just read about it somewhere
Do you know scientists have
found a receptor for THC on brain cells?
Humans and cannabis have evolved
together since the dawn of
time Which means society's
attempts to curb nature are not
only misguided but also futile?
Far-fuckin-out,
man!
I heard about that I
thought it was a rumour
I'll be right back
I get high just listening to him
Nice performance, DICKHEAD!
- I'm trying to make an impression.
As a weed expert?!
I can flow to my peeps because
of my financial hold on them
These jerks are NOT your peeps!
Hope, this toilet seat is wet
This can not be your thing bro.
I can't go to Juvie.
I would not look hot
in a lime-green jumpsuit
How come it can be your
thing but not my thing?
My 'thing' is never selling
direct to these drunken
dolts Quinn, they don't
even know my real name
It's not how I thought it'd be. - Will you
keep shut about the 'peaky comedown crap'
You sound like Dad.
- I do?
Here Better dry your ass, Mr Cool
Bend over!
- Hope.
Here I'll help you
D'you wanna go out looking
like you pissed yourself?
I got guests about to puke!
Whoever's banging in my bathroom I swear.
Hey, everyone! Check this out!
We were just talking.
- Yeah I should fuckin' hope so.
It's not that. She's my sister
- Hell I am. I'm not his sister
I didn't know you had a sister.
He's locked in the
bathroom with HIS SISTER?!
See? I TOLD you he was a perv!
It must run in the family too.
His dad abused some little Wood Sprites.
He's from a whole TRIBE of like FREAKS!
And his sister! His sister
even dresses like a call girl!
Fuck you.
- Oh, you wanna hear more? Huh?
How about mom and dad?
You all see Daddy-poo collecting bat shit.
From the parkette. - Listen to me blondie,
he might be a freak but he's no
pervert, and he's definitely my brother.
You preppy DICK!
Boys, we're going
I find out you have a sister
after she punches out my friend!
Your friend' has had it in for me
since the day I came to school!
Yeah and when did you
come to school, Quinn?
Came back, I mean. - It seems like
you've had the bird-flu for like ten years.
And how could you do people's gardening
when you're so sick you can't go to school?
Okay. Maybe I wasn't that sick.
Yeah well if you lied about that,
maybe you do peep in people's windows!
No Crystal I wanted to
see what a normal house
looked like inside
I thought you were different
You know that you weren't
full of the usual bullshit and lies.
But I guess you are.
Normally, we don't involve
parents in an incident
like this, a party off school grounds
But Quinn is new, and
I thought it'd be good
for us to meet. I understand
you have a daughter?
Tell me. What qualifies a person
to offer 'guidance' to young people?
Dad!
I'm curious if certification
from a college that's
most famous for its 'bitchin
keg parties' is enough
that a parent would turn over
the future of his child to a
limited athlete desperate
to relive his glory
among minds at the level as his own?
DAD! - 'Limited'?
- You said it, not me.
I'm very sorry sir, and I promise that
this will not happen again. Ever.
Hey! It's the Smoke!
- Smoke Man! Lookin yummy!
Thanks for dropping by.
What was that all about?
I get this home visitation
from Jocky Mc Jockerson
And then I find out that
you're The Smoke Man!
Look, I didn't mean to
but, it'kinda my thing now
Oh well you know you're 'thing'
going to get us into a whole lotta trouble.
Quinn how many times have I told you not
to have people over here unannounced?
Know what? He showed up on his own
because he actually gives a shit about me.
Oh, what are you implying? That I don't?
- I mean what the fuck do we have Dad?
Not the family business. We don't have
that in common. And not sports.
I mean we never even
play a game of catch
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't indoctrinate
you into all the macho bullshit.
You want me to go get some
father-son crossbows or something?
No, you know what's bullshit, Dad? YOU!
Because you couldn't hack the real world,
you not only screwed up your own
life but your kids' lives too!
Well, guess what? Not mine.
No. You know what? Not mine
Not anymore!
Whoa Hey Bud, if we get made over this,
we have to evacuate
this house immediately
There'll be no time for saying
goodbye to all your friends
Then I guess I'll wave
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny
Lenny, Lenny Kravitz?
Would you please identify yourself?!
Just ONCE, before the school year ends
What's that smell?
Is that a cigarette?
Is someone SMOKING?
That's a marijuana cigarette!
PUT IT OUT! FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUT IT OUT!
My wife smoked them!
She left me for some hairy, lead
singer in a Guess Who cover band!
I haven't been able to
listen to the radio since 1986!
I HATE YOU BURTON CUMMINGS!
WHERE IS IT?!
I can't take this!
I can't!
Sir?
I'm, I'm Lenny Kravitz.
It's so good to finally meet you.
Ah man.
Mrs Fern leaning over that jar.
Anyone got any extra pants?
Hey Smoke, just thought you should know
I'm getting D's!
Oh You need some tutoring?
Silly! D-Cups Silicone implants
It's a grad present from my Mom
So, got a prom date yet?
Hey Smoke, I thought you
were goin' with Crystal?
I'm going to the prom with Philip.
- You can't. He's an asshole!
You've never been honest with me
I don't even know who you are
Crystal, it's still me.
I'm just more normal now.
I don't know if there's
anything normal about this Quinn.
I thought it's what you wanted and
what your parents wanted.
Maybe it's what they want.
Just, look have a nice life, okay?
Crystal, don't! PLEASE
Maybe you should just stay away
WAIT!
If I'm totally honest with
you, will you change your mind?
I don't know
Then I'm going to show you
Everything
We're losing him
Its just a crush It's the age
It'll pass, we know that
It'll blow over
None of this is worth
losing our children for
No high-minded principle
is worth losing one Quinn
Or one Hope. - Is it worth risking
everything that we've built, for what?
The girl next door?
For love
You and I have never
left each other behind
Crystal means a lot to him
I know how that feels
Then you finally know your son
Mom Dad?
Can we talk?
It's time we did.
- Come here baby.
Hey bud
I'm, trying not to hurt you.
- I've got one for you, too.
Oh Quinn, I picked this from the garden
and it'll compliment
her dress much nicer
Mom, maybe I should just wear Quinn's
- No, we can't have our little girl looking
anything but perfect
But he...
- It doesn't matter either way
As long you're beside me
Recording for posterity
It's going to be a wonderful night!
And if she's not home by 12,
that tux will look fine at your funeral.
Where are you taking me?
A promise is a promise,
right? Remember what you said
about the boy next door
having a dark secret
Well, I'm not a serial killer
Hello, Crystal It's so
great to finally meet you
Hi
We met at the party
Uh, what are?
Crystal, this is awkward
and we have a bit of
situation here
But we know that if Quinn trusts you,
then we trust you
We can trust you, right?
- Yeah.
Because, even though we
have no affiliation with
organized crime,we do have
ways to guarantee your silence.
Bryce!
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
He's kidding
Oh it's uhm really humid in here
You get used to having jeans cling
But we're very clean. - Yeah not like those
other grow ops that you read about.
Okay! Let's take some pictures
- Pictures. - Yeah Go on, inside.
Quinn do I have this in the right setting?
- Yeah just use the flash. - Okay got it.
Okay everybody, get a
little bit closer together
Crystal, did you know that Quinn was
breast-fed until he was five and a half?
No I wasn't.
- Yes you were.
Say 'my cheese'
- My cheese!
Okay, that's great. - Is there a bathroom
where I could go just to freshen up?
Through there First
door after the kitchen
Thanks
You think she's cool?
- I don't know yet.
Well, you said that she smokes a bit
so if she rats on us then it's tit for tat.
Dad, there's a difference between having the
occasional beer and living in a brewery.
I know what this means.
Thank you.
Is it okay if I get a drink?
This heat is making me really thirsty.
Great iced coffee, Mrs Dawson!
Oh shit
You're gonna want these.
Can he hear us?
Hey Driver Wanna threesome?
He can't hear us HOLY SHIT!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
That is SO huge!
- More mints?
How could you keep this from me?
Oh my God, now it all makes sense!
Is it okay?
You trust me this much?
I love you this much.
- Well would you?
If you ever found anything
this big out about me?
Of course. - Y'know, prom is going to be
pretty anti-climactic after this.
That's for sure
But we could do something
to make it a little more memorable.
Hello Ill be adding you
to my exceptional persons list.
Yeah, right under Garth Brooks
Well done, sir
I gotta find Crystal
I gotta find a drink!
I haven't been to a high
school in twenty years
I wish I could've waited longer. - Don't
worry mom, I'll spare you this trauma.
Hi
I'm sorry.
- What for?
You're coming with me Quinn
- What's goin' on? What's going on?!
What's going?! Dad?
Please remain calm.
- Quinn. Just do what they say.
Dad! Mom!
Fascists! We shall overcome!
What's going on? That's
one of my students
Back off Police.
- Dad! Dad!
Police. - Let's see some ID.
- Here's some fuckin' ID
I'm sorry. Tell me something
about you I would never expect.
So I was wondering if you
wanted to study together?
See? I knew I was the best boy!
Happy graduation, Bud
We call it 'Corsage Cam'
Quinn, we'd like to help you continue
down the road you started.
Or we'll make sure you spend
the next five years in adult prison.
We don't need your statement.
But it'd be much better for
you if you'd tell us in your own words.
Yes, tell us how you put your
filthy hands all over my DAUGHTER!
Charlie!
She's not really his daughter
He goes undercover, he gets carried away
Where is she?
- That's not important now.
What's important is your future, Quinn
If you want to go to college,
we can help arrange that
Based on these arrangements
I can almost believe it
Building an air-tight case takes time,
and we had to make certain
the plants were in the house
But there's more to it than that.
We've been watching
you a long time, Quinn
Not just your dad, but you
Yes, this is one of the
major busts of the year
But I also saw it as a rescue operation
You belong in our family
I want to talk to Crystal.
Are you police?
I'm a grad student in criminology
They tapped me because I look young
I didn't know it would
be this hard.
Well I feel bad for you.
- Don't hate me It was my job.
Crystal. Is that your real name?
I feel like we're gonna be intimate
now, and before I give you my
'total honesty', maybe I should
know your fucking REAL NAME!
It is Crystal. - So are you the
good cop or the bad cop
or the 'let's make it
memorable in the limo' cop?
What happened, wasn't supposed to happen
I threw the corsage out
the window, remember?!
It seemed sexy at the time
I messed up. And I got
into a lot of trouble.
But I am not sorry
That makes one of us
I felt a real connection
to you and then,
I mean it just made everything else
so much more difficult you know?
I tried to quit and they
wouldn't let me because,
you know it was for your good
How could you play with me?
How could you.
I thought I was helping
to catch bad people
You know and then I met you
and your parents and you guys
were you were nothing
like what I expected
Then, I dunno, after all this,
I don't even know, I don't know
WHERE I belong
- I just
I know you did this
'cause you care about me
And I can't stop caring just
because I'm supposed to stop
I know
How's Mom?
- Mom's fine. She taught high school,
which, as we all know, is
much worse than any prison
Hope? They don't know
I suspect that Daddy's girl is probably
running a South American country by now.
I feel sorry for South America
So what happens now? - Well, your
Mom will get a couple of years.
As for me, well, you're
looking at the new Budman of Alcatraz.
They offered you a deal, huh? - Their whole
thing was a giant lie. There's nothing real.
No There is
What?
We're a family, Quinn.
Four generations.
A fucking force of nature.
And now you're gonna GIVE US UP!
No, Dad I won't.
- Yes you are. Yes You are.
No I won't do it!
- YES YOU ARE!
I hope that you learned to
memorize at that school of yours
because this is the end my friend
HEY HEY BUD! ONE MORE THING!
Catch
DAD! DAD!
Please identify your father.
That's my father.
And is that your mom beside him?
Thank you, Quinn
Thank you for the
courage of your testimony
You're an extraordinary young
man to have lived through this.
Order, order please
Hey
You didn't take the stand
They didn't need it
I didn't need it
So what are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be in school?
I dropped out of criminology
So uhm, my days are kind
of open at the moment
Are you going to university?
Yeah Like I'd ever tell you
I wish I knew what parts were real
You were
You really dropped criminology?
So, you've been de-criminalized
#SOME TIME LATER#
How long before they're out?
- Mom six months.
Lawyer says Dad'll serve
five years if he's good. Big IF.
Hey well uh, by my model
you'll be in seven figures
by then Not a bad pension
Getting them to retire
will be a whole other ball game. Door?
Thunder-fuck.
- She's still a first generation.
Wait till you see her kids
Wood Sprites.
Wanna buy some cookies?
Open the door!
You fuckin' brown-noser!
I, uh, I like your house!
It's roomy. It's very roomy.
Oh shit. Sorry!
Calm down, calm down.
#PLEASE KEEP OFF
THE GRASS#
#SOLD#
Hey Mom, Dad?
#GROWING OP#
Hey, hey bud!
These little Afghanis are loving
bat guano steeped with coffee,
So I'm going to move
them to a 18/6 cycle
Oh and don't forget to clone the Tasmanians,
they're going veg in a day or two
Dad, do we have to keep your bat
shit formula in the regular fridge?
Bud, it's just until harvest.
And for your information, thats
primo guano imported from Malaysia.
One of these days, I'm gonna be tired
and I'm gonna drink it by accident!
Well, maybe you wouldn't
be so tired if you weren't
doing that whole
'gardening' thing on the side.
It's not a 'thing' Dad, it's my job. - The
suburban lawn is a nothing but a mutant
monoculture which bears
no resemblance to nature.
What is it? You need a raise in your
allowance? - I don't even spend what I have.
Quinn, there are a lot of kids your age
who would love to be in your situation
How do I know? I don't
know any other kids my age
Well try the internet It's a great way
for social exiles to find each other!
Alright my little baby,
I hope you're thirsty
Grow
Hi sweetie Im just finishing up
my column, then we'll start.
Do you know where your sister is?
Home school There's no escape
Park it gently
Aristotle's conditions for change are
two opposed states of being
Such as X goes from being F
to being not F, or vice-versa.
Very insightful, Quinn. Yeah, I think that
just about does it for today, guys.
Mom, what, what's my grade?
Since when do you want a grade?
Yeah, Quinn Who needs grades?
Mom, you used to teach real school.
And I want to know what I'd get.
Well, the point of grades in real school
is unhealthy comparison
But if you want to compare,
here's a list of some more
exceptional people
who were home-educated.
Tennis Star Serena Williams.
Country singer Garth Brooks.
'Garth Brooks' Good God
- We're waiting to be impressed, Mom.
It's not to impress you.
It's to remind you that you're not alone.
Yeah well, misery loves company then.
Ok for tomorrow please identify and
sketch three cloud formations
And I suggest that you
get to it before supper
Class dismissed
So what's up your butt lately?
- Hope, you know, just leave me alone.
Why, are you gonna go masturbate?
Cause if that's what's up,
I'm cloud-sketching elsewhere.
Nothing's up Hope, except that I just turned
eighteen and I'm already a wanted criminal.
Yeah So?
No, I told you, I don't
want you guys selling to losers.
If you vouch for them,
fine, but if they stiff
us, theyre getting
their faces ripped off.
You too. Love ya, later. Bye.
I got altocirrus.
- NO WAY, I called altocirrus!
I'm already drawing the fucking convection
layers! I call below the troposphere.
Tough. She's all mine.
- Bring it, bring it.
Stop it. Hope I called that cloud
and that cloud called me back
I have stilettos.
- And I have altocirrus.
Jeez, Quinn. We could be
looking at this in a book.
Don't you ever feel like
you're missing something?
No bro, I hang out at that school
I see what those saps go through
Hope, I want to meet normal people
Quality people, who aren't
involved in the illegal drug trade
I'll try not to take that personally
- Jeez, is it wrong to be part of LIFE?
I mean ok, we're in
it but we're not in it!
All its because our parents.
Chill, man. We're not some crime op
with pit bulls and AKs
Mom and Dad are boutique dealers
Great. Maybe they'll give us all
'boutique' cells in prison.
Quinn, you want quality? There it is.
Dad's sweet new Mongolian hybrid.
Beautiful.
Yeah.
You fuckin brown-noser.
Are you done already?
It was easier in the country.
More space. Fewer distractions.
Hmm Like those police choppers
circling every other day?
I find that to be
pretty distracting, Diana
He needs a girlfriend.
- Then maybe he'd loosen up already.
Jeez, how did we ever bear
a kid that doesn't inhale?
Sure he's mine?
The only thing he knows about females
is from sexing our plants.
Maybe we should get him a hooker
Ahh, great idea
I don't want you to hurt yourself boys
but please be careful with that.
Marilla. They can handle that.
That's what we're paying them for.
I got it here.
Alright. Easy, easy.
Hi
- Hello
Uhm, I'm Quinn and I mow
some of the lawns around here.
How nice of you to offer
We're the Connors, from West Haven
Dr Charles Connors
And where do you live, Quinn?
- Oh just across the street.
Oh, I love the aubergine
trim around the windows
Charles, look!
- Marilla, we've discussed this.
We're not 'aubergine trim' people.
Hey, where do I put the good china.
Crystal.
Hi.
- Hi.
This is Quinn. He's offered to take
care of our grass. - Uh, your lawn.
Of course. - Crystal, the china
goes upstairs, as in, inside.
Hey um, d'you wanna
walk to school together tomorrow?
I still don't know where it is.
- Well.
Sure, okay.
Great I uh, I'll see you then.
I see your parents take
great pride in their property.
The only good weed is
a dead weed, I say.
Charles is fussy about appearances.
Burn them all, won't you?
Bag them and burn them to ash.
You know, my parents say
pretty much the same thing.
Welcome to the neighborhood
Thank you
Doctors, huh? From West Haven
I hear that in West Haven they
will flog you for chewing gum in public.
Well then, they'll keep to themselves.
That's good. - No, that's great
All these flamingo-worshipping
dolts keep to themselves
because that's all they
care about is themselves
They're not all dolts. - Most. You know,
you kids should be enjoying this.
There's almost no rebellion left.
- Not if I can help it, Dad!
I don't know what upsets me more, Missy
The fact that your street
sales are putting us at risk
or that your goods are
cut from my castoffs!
I wouldn't sell these to a frat house!
Quinn. You just guanoed
the same seedling twelve times.
Oh
Stop!
- You don't get it Hope. We clicked.
Bro, you're so deprived, you'd
probably click with a plush chair.
So what's the problem?
- Her parents are conservative types Hope.
They'll probably think we're a pack of new
age eco-lunatics, at best. - Well, we are
And when she goes to
school tomorrow, it's OVER
Some guy is gonna snap
her up in a nanosecond
Some quality guy who plays
sports and his family doesn't grow
dope or have bat shit cappuccino
in their fridge or a kid
sister running a CARTEL
from the back of her Jeep!
Some of those school boys are hot.
In a smelly-beast kinda way.
Yeah, you're screwed.
- You're a big help, Hope.
I don't get it. Are they related,
or are they dating?
They're related and they're dating
So she broke up with the other guy?
Mm Quinn, uh you better
put on some sunscreen
There's a bit of UV spillage
from the halide lamps
Uh how much is a bit dad?
Are we talking like a bit of cancer?
Less than sunlight. Well have to
re-fit the reflectors tomorrow.
You better put on a hat tooFF
I just can't believe
people really live like this
Mom, The OC isn't a tragedy
- More like a horror movie
You don't wanna watch this
It's very toxic to you
Who's that?
It's probably just the new
neighbors from, oh SHIT!
Wood Sprites!
Wanna buy some cookies?
What is with these kids?
Take a goddamn hint already!
Well, the lights are on,
they think someone's home
Yeah but the plants in
here are in 12-hour light
phase. If we turn them off
it'll ruin their photosynthesis!
GO AWAY, PLEASE!
- Dad, they're just WOOD SPRITES!
Well, you look like big girls
Can't you read my sign?
Wel-come!
Well-thanks, but we're not interested
But everybody else on your street
is buying them. It's for a good cause
Ah So you're selling
conformity along with toxic
sugar treats? Well, did you
know that the Wood Sprites can
trace their insidious origins
back to Lord Baden-Powell, who
was not only a neo-facist, but
was also an infamous advocate of apartheid?
What? - Yeah Ask your mom.
And tell her that you'll just have
to peddle your little boxes
of bigotry elsewhere. Night- night!
Mom, what's apartheid?
Bryce, that was excessive
I know, but how can their
parents enroll them in a scam like that?
I mean, we don't sell poison to kids.
Why should they be allowed to sell it to us?
Uh, you know why I have
trouble making friends?
Look, if we're so freaked
out by Wood Sprites, how am I
supposed to ever connect
with people MY OWN SIZE!?
Wood Sprites are evil. Theyre
a League of pint-sized little narcs.
I was a Wood Sprite
Yeah but you grew out of it
Quinn, no you gotta
leave some of the spurge
It gives the lawn natural character.
- It'll spread to the neighbors.
Hey, if a little character spread to the
neighbours that would be just fine.
Enjoy nine-to-five
hell, suckers
Spew as much CO into the
biosphere as you possibly can
Jeez, why is it that the smoke from that
thing is legal and ours isn't?
Hey, what's that smell?
New purifier.
Now the air from the house
goes through a state-of-the-art
re-odorizing filter
Mmmm Cherry blossoms
We still smell like skunk, Dad
If you're looking for it.
Think of it more as
Jerry Garcia's bubble bath
Great
Now be thankful bud. High
school is the nursery
for all of this
Hey Wanna walk to school together?
Sure I'll walk with you, but I,I
don't go to school. - You don't?
Oh, but I'm not stupid or anything
I am something but I, I don't,
I don't go to school, at school.
Really. - Well, it's just my
parents They don't believe
in they, they don't
want me institutionalized
Oh my God You're like!
OH NO I'm not like that I'm not
No, I don't mean institutionalized
as in 'mental' I mean, well sure,
sure I can act crazy sometimes but
who doesn't and I really just had a
bad case of the flu.
It was uh, oh it was the bird flu
- Oh I hear that's bad.
No, no, I'm better now
Crystal, I'm very healthy!
Well, you look healthy.
- Thanks. Thank you.
So do you.
I'm gonna get a ride with my dad.
Hey, I thought you weren't coming!
I think it's time I've
missed quite a few classes
Good because I'm totally
lost and late for my first
period. Do you know
where uhm B 241- is?
Sure It's, uh, it's that way
And then that way You hang a left
And there should be uh, stairs
Go right Right Go upstairs, right
Yeah that's a lot of stairs.
- Where is it, on the roof?
You really can't miss it.
- Okay, Ill see ya later.
Okay.
What can I do for you Quinn?
Drop slip? Multiple F's?
I'd like to know how I, how I go about,
going to school here.
Great. Okay. We're talking next year?
No, actually I'd like to start today
Oh, did you just recently move here?
- A few months ago.
Okay, well. Let's see we need a
transcript from your former school,
birth certificate, health records and
your parents need to come in
- Do my parents have to?
Yes. They need to sign
your admission docu...
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing?
I can't, this is a bad idea
Wa, wait Wait, wait
You get me health and birth records
I'll see if I can get you
in with an equivalency test
And my parents?
Most new kids get dragged
in here by their folks
Never had one come in on his own before
Must be a Halley's Comet year
Why are the police here?
Ah they're looking for drug sales. We've
had a real problem with that lately.
Mom?
- In the grow room.
I have a birth certificate, don't I?
Tell me you have some real
official PROOF that I exist!
Of course you exist, sweetie
And you don't need an official
document to say that you do
We're not North Korea!
I am not signing anything
No son of mine is going to high school!
I'm old enough to decide myself.
- Quinn, you have no idea how lucky you are.
You're getting a first rate
education from your mother
who is a certified teacher
- Mom, I love learning from you I do, but.
What more do you expect and why now?
- Because it's my LAST CHANCE!
I mean, I spend more time
talking to these damn PLANTS
than I do to people my own age!
- But Quinn, the cost
What those idiots are gonna
do to your mind. - Rote learning.
They'll teach you to
memorize, not understand
They will erode your innate
reasoning skills. - Exactly
Why would you ever want
to leave this healthy,
oxygen-rich learning environment
to go breathe recycled
farts all day in a concrete
coffin for your mind?
I don't know that sharing
a bedroom with Aunt Mary
and chain smoke is exactly
a healthy environment
Quinn, modern education
produces specialized workers
for a technical society
that is structured on an exploitative
labor model that hasn't evolved
since the Industrial Revolution.
Do you understand?
- Yes I understand but...
He understands
- Do you know most kids your age wouldn't
have a clue what we just said?
You're much too special
to be specialized
People go to high school, okay.
Decent people and I've met them.
Who are the 'decent people'?
Pol Pot went to high school
George Bush went to high school!
- YOU and MOM went to high school!
Your mom thinks that these
patio lanterns are better
for our cover than lawn gnomes
Personally Im uh inclined to disagree
Yeah like the welcome mat?
Exactly
Alaskan Thunder Fuck
Most nuanced smoke this side of paradise
Too complex to be engineered
Can't be cloned.
My personal stash.
Quinn, we didn't move
here just for the anonymity
And, it wasn't just because we were made.
- What else is there?
I felt that it was the
ultimate test for all of us
to be able to live with them
but never have to be them
Because I was for awhile.
You were?
- In the eighties. Big money.
Junk bonds. Low interest. Everyone
was borrowing, acquiring.
It was all very persuasive
And even though your granddad
was the best grower in the
country,
I took a job in the market
Everyone my age was doing
it and getting rich legally
By the time everyone
realized that it was all based
on a false valuation of
the world's corporate worth
We lost everything.
So what happened?
- You were just born.
We lived in a van with leaky exhaust
Your mother would check
on you every two minutes
to make sure you were still breathing
I lost myself out there.
I followed.
Dad, I'm not following anybody.
Just know, that your mother
and I aren't middle-aged
criminals taking our
children out for a thrill ride.
It's our freedom, bud.
It's our nature
Yours too
Whatever you do, don't risk that
Don't worry, Dad I won't
God I hate these lights
This is disgusting.
- Hope, a little privacy please.
Trust me I'm saving your life
Nerd. Nerd. Preppy scum.
Disaster.
- I bought this one special.
No. Quinn, wear this.
- No, I want to make a good impression.
Okay then well if anyone
asks, you're an only child!
Fine by me. Take this.
- Fuck off!
The books will be dry,
but you're going to ace the
sciences and I will help
with math as best I can
You look great. Like, the mall.
- Thanks mom
I made you a tahini and honey sandwich.
Mom. Mom. It's okay.
Oh, don't let them brain-wash you.
- I won't Mom.
You're the best teacher I
ever had and ever will have
So, uh I'll start on the enrollment
And, for now, you can use school facilities
to study for your equivalency exam.
Thank you, sir.
Mr Slack
You must sign the attendance sheet
If you do not sign the sheet,
you lose library privileges
Signing the sheet for
another student is prohibited
The sheet is located on my
desk under the plastic apple
Mr Kravitz you signed
the sheet you must be
here
Lenny Lenny Kravitz
Will you please identify yourself?
Then Fern goes 'Since you and Phil are just
friends, can I ask him to the prom?'
She's so dreaming.
- Well hello!
Did you see that porn she
wrote on his wall? Dirty slut.
I'm a COW on Facebook I don't need new
photos, I need a new face.
No worries! I know this doctor who
gives botox injections to minors.
Botullin Toxin A was actually first
used to treat cross-eyedness.
My mom, she calls it 'facade-omy'.
Facade' o-me?
Kravitz? Lenny Kravitz?
If someone signed in
for Mr Lenny Kravitz,
it's AGAINST THE RULES,
which clearly state
that no student may sign in for another!
GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU KIDS!?
What's going on, is he okay?
Hey, they're trying to
give him a nervous breakdown
It's kinda their
project before graduation
So why are they trying to give him
a nervous breakdown? - Because he's there.
Just try to stay off their radar.
Speaking of radar, can you
tell me how to find B241.
Up your ass and take a left.
Psst! Hey.
Hey.
Uh, what are you doing?
We're germinating seeds and recording
the various effects. I'm eating them.
I know a bit about seeds I could help
Really? That would be great because
my lab partner is a total distraction.
Hey hall rat I know what
you're thinking man but,
that's not your cheese.
Whoa, whoa. You okay?
How's your first day going?
- Well, I think I could go to biology class.
Well no, for legal reasons, we can't
really do that until you're enrolled.
Once you pass the exam, we'll set you up.
By then, she'll be set up.
Crystal? Hey so where are you going?
Home.
- Yeah? Me too. Neighbour.
Well, you know what they say about the
boy next door. - Oh yeah? Well what's that?
He's usually a serial killer.
So what's your dark secret?
- Me? There's no secrets. Like none at all.
Damn. That is boring.
So, you like Teenage Head?
- I LOVE THAT BAND!
Ohh yeah, me too. - They're so cult, like
this hidden treasure I have all their music!
I've got the original vinyl
- Get out! Really?
Hey lab partner!
Hey, hop in I'll give you a ride home.
You guys don't know each other?
- Na.
Well, Phil Steadman, class
president, this is... - Quinn. Hi.
Queen'?
- No. It's Quinn. Like the Mighty Quinn.
Checkerboard shirt with camo pants?
Its such a cry for help
Hey Crys, will you
sign my chastity pledge?
No sex till prom party
I'm raising money for Unicef.
- You want a ride too, man?
Yo, Mansteed, this is the exec limo,
not a fuckin bookmobile. Not cool.
So whats up with, you
know your sailor suit?
Nothings up I got
practice for the musical
But I still kick ass!
Hey, I just remembered.
I gotta go to the guidance
counselor to talk about
college interviews. I'll see ya
We'll be seeing you, Quinn.
Yeah. Cool.
Cool.
There's something fucking wrong about
the hot New Girl and the
loser New Guy hitting it off
They're completely ignoring our
social structure.
I KNOW who he is! He's that freaky
Boo Radley guy that mows our lawn!
You need a thing bro.
- What thing?
Jocks have sports Nerds
have mental superiority
And stoners have hot
knives and metal shop
Without a 'thing', you're
gonna be shunned by all
You've never even been inside Hope.
- With my network of sales agents,
I don't have to I have
a perfect perspective
On what? - High school, dick wad.
It's a jungle in there.
I'll protect you If I can
You're my little sister, Hope.
Little sister.
And you're like Bambi with a bazooka.
If you compromise me or the clan,
I'm cutting you loose Do you hear me?
Compromise you?
- To paraphrase Aristotle Quinn,
Don't fuck with my good life.
- Hope, there are COPS in that school
because someone,
god-only-knows-who-is selling
Cops shmops You're what scares me
Fine Fine Fine
I can handle this my own way
You are so meat.
Hey. - These are for you!
- Really? How sweet!
They're wild. Those are mums,
thats purple butterfly
and those are daisies so you
don't have to pick the school's.
Hey you should know some
people are talking about you.
Talking about what? - Philip said he
saw you peeping in his window
But I said that was impossible
because you had the bird flu
Case of mistaken identity.
Right?
Right. Mistaken identity. That.
- I'm so relieved you're not a pervert!
Me too. Talk about dark secrets!
- I never trust gossip.
At my last school, there were
rumors I was a nymphomaniac.
How awful for you.
- Yeah.
Dude, you smell GOOD!
It smells like a big spliff
Hey man, are you holding or what?
Let's hold him up from his toes.
Shower's right through there. Unfortunately,
the school doesn't supply towels so
I'll air-dry, sir
It's more eco-friendly
It's more friendly
You just like wearing makeup.
And that sailor suit. HMS Pina-Fag.
They needed a baritone bitch.
Anyone have any extra pants?
Oh my God! Quinn?
- It's not how it looks!
Some guys stole my clothes.
I'm not a pervert or anything! Really.
Soooo, college interviews going well?
Crystal, would you excuse us?
- Yep. Definitely.
Kids around here are pretty devious
I wouldn't trust anyone with my gym gear.
- Thank you, sir.
Make sure you pass the test, Quinn
I wouldn't want to lose her either
I said family meeting ten minutes ago
I don't have time for a family meeting.
I've only got TWO days left to study.
There's always time for family
And, this is rather important
We've had another outbreak
of aphids on our crop
Oh no! Dad, you don't mean?
- Yes. I've had to release the ladybugs.
Last time they were
crawling everywhere for weeks
Quinn we don't use pesticides here.
And besides ladybugs are our FRIENDS.
They're magical
Friends On the social
scale of Embarrassment,
ladybugs are a TEN.
- Yes.
Why don't we just leave
the house for awhile?
That's a great idea We
let these guys get started
and you two can help me
collect bat guano at the park
Oh honey that's a great idea.
- Our shame goes to eleven.
When they're crawling in
my bed they're a little more than friends.
You'll never get em all I'm crashing at
my safe house til their cycle runs out
As if it isn't hard enough
trying to make friends,
real friends, now I gotta
deal with these ladybugs
Quinn, build your peeps one at a time.
And remember the first rule of sales.
Which is?
- 'Only flow to those you know'
Kids, time for Dark phase!
- I'm not done studying!
Quinn, you can't!
Those are Dad's prize
clones from Chiapas, Mexico
I don't care. Hasta la vista.
- It's your Mexican revolution.
G'night, you guys I love you!
- I love you too!
Hear that? They love you
What do you think you're doing?!
- I thought you might want company.
Look into my eyes, man!
I'm a teen psychopath! Can't you tell?
I've never seen one up close.
- Only thing that keeps those bullies off
of my back is that my brooding bitterness
might set me off on a shooting spree.
You won't really, though.
Will you?
Who knows. But if you sit with me,
you're be marked like me.
But it's just lunch, eating
If you can get her
you'll be marked like a fucking hero
...silver.
- Hey not too much off that stalk.
You just cut off a good bud, Bud!
So much to memorize. My eyes hurt.
Hey well don't forget
to feed the Mexicans.
If you can take five showers
a day you can water a few plants.
You know when I was your
age I had 20 plants to take care of.
What a tired curriculum
It's a recipe for mind control
Quinn, is it really worth it?
It's for me.
- It's for you?
Hey, I don't know if you've noticed,
but we're not exactly an open house here
Hi
It's the girl across the street
What are you doing here?
- Uhm, before I forget, here.
Thank you.
- Do you want to study together?
I mean, I know you're in catch-up mode,
and I'm trying to get my
grades up for college so.
Sure. Yeah, I'd love to
study, study, with you.
Can we do it at your place?
Ours is a real mess right now.
Yeah, I'll check with my parents
I'll grab my books.
- Okay.
Our house is not messy. If anyone
can operate a full-scale indoor farm
and a home and do better...
- The answer to your question, Mom, is Yes.
It's VERY worth it.
We'll call at intermission.
But we could be back at any time.
Don't worry, Dad Quinn
has a major test tomorrow
You have a major test tonight.
- Yes sir.
So, what chemistry are they
teaching you kids these days?
Actually sir, it's a bit obsolete
What does this note mean?
'Feed Mexicans'
Foster children. We have foster
children Little Mexicans.
And uhm, we, mail them food
How sweet Now kids I want
you to stay downstairs
because we're painting the upper floors
Yes The fumes are suffocating
They're nice.
Can you believe my
parents locked the liquor cabinet?
They're scared we'll get drunk and have sex
cause they haven't had any in years
None in years? Must be really tough
Anyway my parents don't
even like me drinking coffee,
even though they knock back like a
bottle of wine a night each. Yours?
Uh, they have, their vices
The coffee's good.
- I drink it to piss 'em off.
I'd even get suspended again just to see
them get excited about something.
You got suspended?
- From my last school.
It's kind of hard to
hide a joint in your kilt, you know?
I bet. - Anyway, my Dad's
like 'I'm not paying
for private school education anymore,
blah blah blah, so we moved.
Here?
Hey! You don't have any, do you?
Uhm, Any what?
- Any weed, you dork.
Oh, wh-what makes you
think I do, I would?
I dunno. You seem like a misfit.
- I do?
Yeah but, in a good way.
You know like. No one really knows you.
You're like a mystery man.
- Mystery's kinda my thing.
I could really use a hit right now
But I can't keep any because my anal parents
search my room every fuckin' day
Well I don't have any.
- It's probably a good thing.
It makes me totally horny. - I think, on
second thought, I might know someone.
They moved away
Hey! I bet Philip could hook us up.
- Philip?
He says he's connected
and I know he's this weird,
preppy A student and his dad's
this influential lawyer, he's
got the goods.
Not tonight okay?
What? You don't wanna have some fun?
I don't want your parents
to move you away again
Me neither
You're gonna ace it I know it
I just want you to know that
my palms don't always sweat this much
Okay
Good luck
Yeah, hi I need a strategy session
I ca, I can't do it
- Why not?
Sir, I've never had grades before.
I don't know how to memorize.
I'm gonna have to tell Crystal I failed
and my dad, he's probably gonna be happy.
Your dad would be happy you failed?
I wasted your time and I'm sorry.
- A kid comes to me without records.
Maybe he's got a
history he's not proud of
I don't see a kid who wastes time
I see someone who wants
to stand on his own
Or fall on his face. - No I see
someone who's ready for a test of life.
Of character Someone who's strong enough
to overcome whatever it is in
his past, make a fresh start
Let's take the shot, shall we?
Begin
Alright, listen up guys
If that weed whacker gets
enrolled here, he's gonne
be in my face everywhere
He's already working my prom date.
Options. - Well, your general
popularity makes you a shoo-in
for valedictorian, but
maintaining image, is so key.
Yeah well I better still be valedictorian,
or my dad's not gonna pay for law school.
So overt aggression is out.
- Damn!
I say rat-fuck him socially.
- His parents are soooo weird.
My kid sister is a Wood Sprite
and they scared her half to death.
My mom sees his mom at the mall
His mom shuts her eyes
and has some kinda seizure
every time she passes Baby Gap
Weird or what!
- Alright, alright. This is good.
Drop your pencil, Quinn
I hear rumours he's got
a sister who's a call girl
She talk about some guy named Aristotle
Must be her pimp
Good work people.
Now listen, let's get more.
What the?
GUYS DUDE!
The uh, the amount of
work you had to cover
in a short time was a lot
Maybe I just got caught in up trying to
graduate one more student.
Came up a little short
Of one HUNDRED, my young friend!
Attaboy! Woo! HOLA!
Way to go, Dumbass
Everything Aced the science
like the back of my hand, Mom!
Honey! We passed!
Oh well, I'm glad
somebody's having a good day
These Alaskan clones aren't
taking Too complex for me
We have a beautiful celebration
dinner planned for you tonight!
Sorry Mom I forgot to tell you Im
invited to Crystal's place for dinner
Bud, your mom and I have
been working on this all day
Let's do it tomorrow okay?
Cool. Cool.
We should know better
Living things break ground
They flourish, flower,
only to be cut down
Quinn?
Oh, no no no no no
Dad what are you doing here?
What happened to the Mexicans?
I dunno. Maybe they picked
up irregularities in the,
you know, the PH levels or...
- When did this arrive?
We're invited. - Maybe you forgot to
put 'No Invitations' on the door.
It says that 'You and Your Parents are
cordially invited to dinner tomorrow'.
Dad you're kidding? - Well maybe
your mother and I would like to.
Since when? All you do
is make fun of everyone
who lives around us. You don't
even know what's black or white.
We are the bad guys dad.
I prefer to think of myself in shades
of gray, thank you very much.
How are you feeling Marilla?
I must have picked up
a touch of flu somewhere
I'm a tad nauseous
Im famished I haven't had
too much appetite in the past few days.
I told you we should've postponed.
Perhaps we should go to the hospital.
Oh wow. The hospital. - Well there's
something 'wow' worthy about that?
Uh, no I've never, I've just
never been to a hospital before.
Not even when you had the Bird Flu?
- You had what?!
Don't do it Bryce
I figured it out He's troping
You introduce an artificial light source,
and everything bends to it
Well maybe we should bend with him
I won't let him be ashamed of us
Well, you're on your own
Quinn, when you were born, you
must've been in a hospital then
Mom, would you just let him eat?
- Oh no, actually, I was born at home.
Oh dear Was it an emergency?
So you were a, natural birth?
Natural child birth is reckless
There is no reason why the
process can't be made as safe
and pain-free as possible!
Dad delivers babies.
Dad would you just let him eat please?
Well I was so young at the time
no one asked me which one I preferred
And what do your parents do, Quinn?
Yes, what DO they do, besides breed
in a septic environment?
Would you PLEASE just let him eat
like a normal human being?
They, they have a uh,
they have a home-based
business
Well, it's too bad they couldn't join us
Yeah I know But they've
uh, they've had theatre
tickets for ages
Tell us more about them
So Mom, Quinn's uhm
planning on going to university.
Why don't you ask him about that?
Excuse me
So what are you planning
on studying at university?
I was thinking of
being guidance counselor
Or maybe a doctor
Oh no, no
Hey neighbor!
I brought dessert.
Creme brule
Interesting uhm texture
Kinda tingly.
- Tingly.
My wife sends her apologies,
she would have loved to
have joined us but she
was feeling a bit tired.
Did you enjoy the theatre?
- Oh, I plan to.
Didn't you see a show tonight?
Yes, of course We saw
a production of 'Hair'
I didn't know it was running.
Its a little early for a show to get out?
It was a shortened production
They should have called it 'Hair-Cut'
Quinn tells us that your family
sponsors children in Mexico
We don't see them that much
because they don't visit
Such a long way
And I'm sure it's very difficult
for them to cross the border.
You could most definitely say that
So you're Crystal
My son has told me a lot about you
Really? Cuz he's told
me nothing about you
I'm sorry Sorry 'Hair-Cut'
Hair-cut
Suddenly struck me as funny
Never apologize for laughter Marilla.
It is the sweetest sound there is.
And your creme brule.
Is wonderful.
Well it's an old family recipe.
Were we going to the uh, hospital?
I don't think we decided.
- Are you sure?
That we didn't decide?
- Perhaps we should. - Decide?
No. Go to the hospital.
- Maybe you should go to the hospital.
How funny feet are!
I've always thought so, Marilla.
I can't decide though
Is it just my feet or is
everybody's feet funny Charles?
Do we have spiders?
- Spiders?
Don't you see the spider webs?
There's spiders up there!
Wait awhile. They'll go away.
- We have ladybugs. They're not going away
What about the spiders?
- Who cares?
I want you to look at my feet
and tell me they're lovely.
They're lovely.
I thought we were weird
My parents are SO loose for a change.
They must really like you.
We'll see ourselves out, goodnight.
- Well, everybody seems relaxed.
Misson accomplished.
- RELAXED? Was that relaxing for me?!
I used a mild sinsemilla.
Classy buzz. Subtle undertones.
Mild makes it alright, huh?
Bud, we could've thrown
some Afghani-Durban at em,
they'd be naked dancing right now!
Her mom is sick!
- Yeah, she is better now.
You know there's more poison in
grocery store pie than in our dessert!
Stop saying 'our' and 'we'!
I had NOTHING to fucking DO WITH THIS!
Whoa!
I'm so sorry Mr Dawson. - Mom and Dad,
don't usually go to bed this early.
Ah it's quite alright I'm sure theyre
going to sleep very well tonight.
Good night, Dad.
Good night Crystal.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Good night
You okay?
Yeah
My parents have been on
the verge of divorce for
years Try living with
that kind of pressure
I can understand pressure
Hey, you wanna know a secret?
I had sex with a girl once.
- You like girls?
I wouldn't do it again, but you know
It was an honest thing
More honest than my parents ever had
Your turn
- For what?
Tell me something about
you I would never expect
You know something you've
never told anyone, just me.
What's the rush?
Shouldn't we take our time?
Well, I dunno after
grad, we may not see each
other again This could
be our only chance
I thought you liked me mysterious.
- Yeah, it was intriguing at first.
But you know, if we're gonna be close,
we should be able to talk
to each other about anything,
right?
What if there was something
about the boy next door?
I knew it! I knew it!
Please? What?
Tell me!
I, don't know if I can
If you trust me, I will trust you.
With everything.
Come with me to the prom
Then I'll tell you
It means that much to you to go with me?
Yeah
Did I, did I do something?
That's just it
Some things are worth waiting for
Notice to all students regarding
our recent ladybug infestation
There is no need for panic. These insects
are harmless, and proper measures are now
being taken to make
sure they're eradicated
The negative PH in the
control soil isn't balanced
for acidity transfer from air
Plus, the oxygen rating for
this room is lower than necessary
to support photosynthetic
food construction But with
the additions of nitrates or
dolyimetric or calcic
limestone, plus a half unit of 0,5 PH.
There you go
Hey. Since you're so good in biology man,
you must already know.
Know what?
- That I'm taking Crystal to Prom.
The best boy always takes the best girl
It's for the good of
the species. You dig?
I doubt that Darwin was referring to
the Riverview High prom.
For your own best interest
you gotta get out of my way.
Or you will get destroyed.
- How presidential of you.
See, around here man,
family means everything
And I happen to know that you're coming
from an entire family
of like, real strange-os
You want the whole school to find out?
Well, I doubt I'm the only one with
a mildly-dysfunctional.
Yeah yeah I bet you're
the only one whose Dad's
een seen collecting bat
shit from the parkette!
So you just gotta get lost again
Alright Quinn? Or you're
the one getting buried.
Maybe we shouldn't
I don't think I'm really welcome
Quinn, it's the last
party before grad week
Everyone is welcome!
Come on.
So what if I'm a bitch, right
I had a good teacher, right? My mom
Your mom is SO fucking my dad
Hello! Your dad is a total SKEEZE!
Once I caught him jerking
off watching Degrassi!
We're just having a Parent-Bash
We're going clock-wise,
which means you're next,
or is it that way? Yay! I'm
finally getting the SPINS!
I am SO going to throw up soon!
- You're happy about that?
DUH! So I can fit into
a smaller prom dress
God, you're lost!
Hey, Quinn it's your turn
Well, my dad's a pain at times.
But mostly, my parents are sorta cool.
No he can't be for real
Hey d'you wanna go get a drink?
Did I say something wrong? Cuz
No What you said took guts
Hey Quinn Come as you are, huh?
You first, mansteed.
- Dude, where are your manners?
I say, the prettiest
girl in school goes first
What is that?
Dude It's weed, man!
You don't smoke? What
fucked-up planet are you from?
No It's Jack Flash
Okay, what?
- A derivation, really.
A Bolivian strain crossed with Nepalese
Heavy on top, not peaky
Long-lasting, but a bumpy
comedown cut like this
Whoa, I dig it!
For a real high, check
out Afghani-Durban
The textures are sublime.
It's like inhaling silk.
Shit You're makin that up!
Yeah It's just weed
This man knows his smoke!
- How do you know all that?
Just read about it somewhere
Do you know scientists have
found a receptor for THC on brain cells?
Humans and cannabis have evolved
together since the dawn of
time Which means society's
attempts to curb nature are not
only misguided but also futile?
Far-fuckin-out,
man!
I heard about that I
thought it was a rumour
I'll be right back
I get high just listening to him
Nice performance, DICKHEAD!
- I'm trying to make an impression.
As a weed expert?!
I can flow to my peeps because
of my financial hold on them
These jerks are NOT your peeps!
Hope, this toilet seat is wet
This can not be your thing bro.
I can't go to Juvie.
I would not look hot
in a lime-green jumpsuit
How come it can be your
thing but not my thing?
My 'thing' is never selling
direct to these drunken
dolts Quinn, they don't
even know my real name
It's not how I thought it'd be. - Will you
keep shut about the 'peaky comedown crap'
You sound like Dad.
- I do?
Here Better dry your ass, Mr Cool
Bend over!
- Hope.
Here I'll help you
D'you wanna go out looking
like you pissed yourself?
I got guests about to puke!
Whoever's banging in my bathroom I swear.
Hey, everyone! Check this out!
We were just talking.
- Yeah I should fuckin' hope so.
It's not that. She's my sister
- Hell I am. I'm not his sister
I didn't know you had a sister.
He's locked in the
bathroom with HIS SISTER?!
See? I TOLD you he was a perv!
It must run in the family too.
His dad abused some little Wood Sprites.
He's from a whole TRIBE of like FREAKS!
And his sister! His sister
even dresses like a call girl!
Fuck you.
- Oh, you wanna hear more? Huh?
How about mom and dad?
You all see Daddy-poo collecting bat shit.
From the parkette. - Listen to me blondie,
he might be a freak but he's no
pervert, and he's definitely my brother.
You preppy DICK!
Boys, we're going
I find out you have a sister
after she punches out my friend!
Your friend' has had it in for me
since the day I came to school!
Yeah and when did you
come to school, Quinn?
Came back, I mean. - It seems like
you've had the bird-flu for like ten years.
And how could you do people's gardening
when you're so sick you can't go to school?
Okay. Maybe I wasn't that sick.
Yeah well if you lied about that,
maybe you do peep in people's windows!
No Crystal I wanted to
see what a normal house
looked like inside
I thought you were different
You know that you weren't
full of the usual bullshit and lies.
But I guess you are.
Normally, we don't involve
parents in an incident
like this, a party off school grounds
But Quinn is new, and
I thought it'd be good
for us to meet. I understand
you have a daughter?
Tell me. What qualifies a person
to offer 'guidance' to young people?
Dad!
I'm curious if certification
from a college that's
most famous for its 'bitchin
keg parties' is enough
that a parent would turn over
the future of his child to a
limited athlete desperate
to relive his glory
among minds at the level as his own?
DAD! - 'Limited'?
- You said it, not me.
I'm very sorry sir, and I promise that
this will not happen again. Ever.
Hey! It's the Smoke!
- Smoke Man! Lookin yummy!
Thanks for dropping by.
What was that all about?
I get this home visitation
from Jocky Mc Jockerson
And then I find out that
you're The Smoke Man!
Look, I didn't mean to
but, it'kinda my thing now
Oh well you know you're 'thing'
going to get us into a whole lotta trouble.
Quinn how many times have I told you not
to have people over here unannounced?
Know what? He showed up on his own
because he actually gives a shit about me.
Oh, what are you implying? That I don't?
- I mean what the fuck do we have Dad?
Not the family business. We don't have
that in common. And not sports.
I mean we never even
play a game of catch
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't indoctrinate
you into all the macho bullshit.
You want me to go get some
father-son crossbows or something?
No, you know what's bullshit, Dad? YOU!
Because you couldn't hack the real world,
you not only screwed up your own
life but your kids' lives too!
Well, guess what? Not mine.
No. You know what? Not mine
Not anymore!
Whoa Hey Bud, if we get made over this,
we have to evacuate
this house immediately
There'll be no time for saying
goodbye to all your friends
Then I guess I'll wave
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny
Lenny, Lenny Kravitz?
Would you please identify yourself?!
Just ONCE, before the school year ends
What's that smell?
Is that a cigarette?
Is someone SMOKING?
That's a marijuana cigarette!
PUT IT OUT! FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUT IT OUT!
My wife smoked them!
She left me for some hairy, lead
singer in a Guess Who cover band!
I haven't been able to
listen to the radio since 1986!
I HATE YOU BURTON CUMMINGS!
WHERE IS IT?!
I can't take this!
I can't!
Sir?
I'm, I'm Lenny Kravitz.
It's so good to finally meet you.
Ah man.
Mrs Fern leaning over that jar.
Anyone got any extra pants?
Hey Smoke, just thought you should know
I'm getting D's!
Oh You need some tutoring?
Silly! D-Cups Silicone implants
It's a grad present from my Mom
So, got a prom date yet?
Hey Smoke, I thought you
were goin' with Crystal?
I'm going to the prom with Philip.
- You can't. He's an asshole!
You've never been honest with me
I don't even know who you are
Crystal, it's still me.
I'm just more normal now.
I don't know if there's
anything normal about this Quinn.
I thought it's what you wanted and
what your parents wanted.
Maybe it's what they want.
Just, look have a nice life, okay?
Crystal, don't! PLEASE
Maybe you should just stay away
WAIT!
If I'm totally honest with
you, will you change your mind?
I don't know
Then I'm going to show you
Everything
We're losing him
Its just a crush It's the age
It'll pass, we know that
It'll blow over
None of this is worth
losing our children for
No high-minded principle
is worth losing one Quinn
Or one Hope. - Is it worth risking
everything that we've built, for what?
The girl next door?
For love
You and I have never
left each other behind
Crystal means a lot to him
I know how that feels
Then you finally know your son
Mom Dad?
Can we talk?
It's time we did.
- Come here baby.
Hey bud
I'm, trying not to hurt you.
- I've got one for you, too.
Oh Quinn, I picked this from the garden
and it'll compliment
her dress much nicer
Mom, maybe I should just wear Quinn's
- No, we can't have our little girl looking
anything but perfect
But he...
- It doesn't matter either way
As long you're beside me
Recording for posterity
It's going to be a wonderful night!
And if she's not home by 12,
that tux will look fine at your funeral.
Where are you taking me?
A promise is a promise,
right? Remember what you said
about the boy next door
having a dark secret
Well, I'm not a serial killer
Hello, Crystal It's so
great to finally meet you
Hi
We met at the party
Uh, what are?
Crystal, this is awkward
and we have a bit of
situation here
But we know that if Quinn trusts you,
then we trust you
We can trust you, right?
- Yeah.
Because, even though we
have no affiliation with
organized crime,we do have
ways to guarantee your silence.
Bryce!
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
He's kidding
Oh it's uhm really humid in here
You get used to having jeans cling
But we're very clean. - Yeah not like those
other grow ops that you read about.
Okay! Let's take some pictures
- Pictures. - Yeah Go on, inside.
Quinn do I have this in the right setting?
- Yeah just use the flash. - Okay got it.
Okay everybody, get a
little bit closer together
Crystal, did you know that Quinn was
breast-fed until he was five and a half?
No I wasn't.
- Yes you were.
Say 'my cheese'
- My cheese!
Okay, that's great. - Is there a bathroom
where I could go just to freshen up?
Through there First
door after the kitchen
Thanks
You think she's cool?
- I don't know yet.
Well, you said that she smokes a bit
so if she rats on us then it's tit for tat.
Dad, there's a difference between having the
occasional beer and living in a brewery.
I know what this means.
Thank you.
Is it okay if I get a drink?
This heat is making me really thirsty.
Great iced coffee, Mrs Dawson!
Oh shit
You're gonna want these.
Can he hear us?
Hey Driver Wanna threesome?
He can't hear us HOLY SHIT!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
That is SO huge!
- More mints?
How could you keep this from me?
Oh my God, now it all makes sense!
Is it okay?
You trust me this much?
I love you this much.
- Well would you?
If you ever found anything
this big out about me?
Of course. - Y'know, prom is going to be
pretty anti-climactic after this.
That's for sure
But we could do something
to make it a little more memorable.
Hello Ill be adding you
to my exceptional persons list.
Yeah, right under Garth Brooks
Well done, sir
I gotta find Crystal
I gotta find a drink!
I haven't been to a high
school in twenty years
I wish I could've waited longer. - Don't
worry mom, I'll spare you this trauma.
Hi
I'm sorry.
- What for?
You're coming with me Quinn
- What's goin' on? What's going on?!
What's going?! Dad?
Please remain calm.
- Quinn. Just do what they say.
Dad! Mom!
Fascists! We shall overcome!
What's going on? That's
one of my students
Back off Police.
- Dad! Dad!
Police. - Let's see some ID.
- Here's some fuckin' ID
I'm sorry. Tell me something
about you I would never expect.
So I was wondering if you
wanted to study together?
See? I knew I was the best boy!
Happy graduation, Bud
We call it 'Corsage Cam'
Quinn, we'd like to help you continue
down the road you started.
Or we'll make sure you spend
the next five years in adult prison.
We don't need your statement.
But it'd be much better for
you if you'd tell us in your own words.
Yes, tell us how you put your
filthy hands all over my DAUGHTER!
Charlie!
She's not really his daughter
He goes undercover, he gets carried away
Where is she?
- That's not important now.
What's important is your future, Quinn
If you want to go to college,
we can help arrange that
Based on these arrangements
I can almost believe it
Building an air-tight case takes time,
and we had to make certain
the plants were in the house
But there's more to it than that.
We've been watching
you a long time, Quinn
Not just your dad, but you
Yes, this is one of the
major busts of the year
But I also saw it as a rescue operation
You belong in our family
I want to talk to Crystal.
Are you police?
I'm a grad student in criminology
They tapped me because I look young
I didn't know it would
be this hard.
Well I feel bad for you.
- Don't hate me It was my job.
Crystal. Is that your real name?
I feel like we're gonna be intimate
now, and before I give you my
'total honesty', maybe I should
know your fucking REAL NAME!
It is Crystal. - So are you the
good cop or the bad cop
or the 'let's make it
memorable in the limo' cop?
What happened, wasn't supposed to happen
I threw the corsage out
the window, remember?!
It seemed sexy at the time
I messed up. And I got
into a lot of trouble.
But I am not sorry
That makes one of us
I felt a real connection
to you and then,
I mean it just made everything else
so much more difficult you know?
I tried to quit and they
wouldn't let me because,
you know it was for your good
How could you play with me?
How could you.
I thought I was helping
to catch bad people
You know and then I met you
and your parents and you guys
were you were nothing
like what I expected
Then, I dunno, after all this,
I don't even know, I don't know
WHERE I belong
- I just
I know you did this
'cause you care about me
And I can't stop caring just
because I'm supposed to stop
I know
How's Mom?
- Mom's fine. She taught high school,
which, as we all know, is
much worse than any prison
Hope? They don't know
I suspect that Daddy's girl is probably
running a South American country by now.
I feel sorry for South America
So what happens now? - Well, your
Mom will get a couple of years.
As for me, well, you're
looking at the new Budman of Alcatraz.
They offered you a deal, huh? - Their whole
thing was a giant lie. There's nothing real.
No There is
What?
We're a family, Quinn.
Four generations.
A fucking force of nature.
And now you're gonna GIVE US UP!
No, Dad I won't.
- Yes you are. Yes You are.
No I won't do it!
- YES YOU ARE!
I hope that you learned to
memorize at that school of yours
because this is the end my friend
HEY HEY BUD! ONE MORE THING!
Catch
DAD! DAD!
Please identify your father.
That's my father.
And is that your mom beside him?
Thank you, Quinn
Thank you for the
courage of your testimony
You're an extraordinary young
man to have lived through this.
Order, order please
Hey
You didn't take the stand
They didn't need it
I didn't need it
So what are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be in school?
I dropped out of criminology
So uhm, my days are kind
of open at the moment
Are you going to university?
Yeah Like I'd ever tell you
I wish I knew what parts were real
You were
You really dropped criminology?
So, you've been de-criminalized
#SOME TIME LATER#
How long before they're out?
- Mom six months.
Lawyer says Dad'll serve
five years if he's good. Big IF.
Hey well uh, by my model
you'll be in seven figures
by then Not a bad pension
Getting them to retire
will be a whole other ball game. Door?
Thunder-fuck.
- She's still a first generation.
Wait till you see her kids
Wood Sprites.
Wanna buy some cookies?
Open the door!
You fuckin' brown-noser!