Gun Shy (2017) Movie Script

And now it's time
for "the gig of life."
What's hot, what's not
in the world of rock.
Remember metal assassin
led by Chilean-born Turk Enry?
At the time
of their tender breakout hit
"teenage ass patrol"...
they seemed unstoppable,
until they stopped.
The band kicked Turk out when
he met his very own Yoko Ono.
Her name was Sheila,
and Turk began
a long fade to black
whilst his ex-Bandmates
released Neptune of cock.
It sold in the millions.
Turk, by contrast, was enjoying
external tours off his body.
Now a recluse,
Turk has reportedly
not left his Malibu mansion
in over two years,
which qualifies him
for this week's
down and out celebrity in rock.
- Sheila!
Speak English, Pepito.
You know perfectly well
I don't speak Spanish.
I'm English from London,
- Okay, can I help, sir?
- Yes. Yes, you could help me.
I need to throw this TV
- into the pool!
- que?
This TV set
into the swimming pool!
- Yeah, okay. Okay.
- Okay? Okay?
Would you like to check
the guarantee first?
I'm up here packing
for our trip to Chile!
- Sheila.
- Yes, Turk?
I have decided
I don't want to go on vacation.
Vacations are too stressful.
Oh, but we're going there so that I
can learn more about your culture.
But Chile's not my home.
I can't even speak Spanish.
You mean you won't
even speak Spanish.
Come on.
They love you back there.
Your picture's on every wall.
Well, but I was young
then, you know?
Sorry... younger than now,
where I'm also young.
And we need some time alone.
You know, no assistants,
no bodyguards, no drivers.
No nobody. Just us.
Maybe you'll get inspired.
Maybe you'll
start writing again.
Oh, no, my chair is here.
I want to sit in my chair.
- I love my chair!
- Oh!
Fine! You can stay
if you get rid of that hunk of junk
that's been rotting in our front yard.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That Van is a reminder
of how far I have come.
You know, it keeps me down to earth.
Be careful there!
Well, yeah, of course.
It keeps you down to earth.
You just got a delivery
of a crate of beer
that says
it was brewed in space.
So we keep the Van, right?
- Fine!
- Yeah.
Chile it is.
Besides, I have already
been back to Chile, you know?
That was on tour!
That doesn't count!
When I was on tour there,
I got so drunk
in a bar in Valparaiso
that I had a piss
that lasted seven minutes.
You know, the owner
was so impressed,
he told me he would build a
statue to commemorate it.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
So we'll go and visit
the shrine to your piss.
- Yeah?
- Go and pack.
Uh, I have already packed.
Then go and watch TV.
We're in Chile!
Oh, baby, baby.
Look, look!
Look, the trains
in Chile are blue!
Baby! Baby!
- Gracias!
- Gracias!
Where is
your assistance? Turk!
Why is this place so empty?
Hey, hey, uh, lady.
Why it's so cold here?
It's winter, sir.
I'm not good with months,
but it's July, right?
I don't speak Spanish.
I am English,
so I do speak beer,
and, yes, I would love one.
- Beer.
- Yes, indeed.
Beer is always in season.
- I'm here!
- Oh, shit.
- Baby.
- Hey, hey, hey.
You knew it was winter.
Yeah, it's July.
In Chile, July is winter.
- July is summer.
- Who's your new friend?
Oh. He's, uh,
my new manager, you know.
I'm gonna fire John.
This little dude over here can
get me everything I need now.
- Beer.
- He just gets me. All right.
- Yeah, okay.
We have to get going.
We leave in six minutes.
Do you wanna come
on a beautiful, breathtaking,
once-in-a-lifetime hike
through the mountains
with your loving wife,
or do you wanna lie here alone
in the cold and drink beer?
He makes a compelling argument.
Where is
your sense of adventure?
Well, I have done
three world tours.
I'm told they were very...
- Eventful.
- Please, Turk.
You need to do something.
The band's over, not your life.
Well, yeah,
you better get going.
Your trip leaves
in, like, three minutes.
- Yeah, sure. I get it.
- Good.
I get that you don't
like anything anymore.
- Oh, no.
- But do you at least like me?
Huh? Be honest.
- Yeah.
- Am I Yoko Ono?
Of course not.
I'll see you when you get back.
I love you. Have fun.
Well, have fun.
Beer time.
Give it to me.
Oh, yeah.
Mr. Enry won't be joining us.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- Thanks.
No, no. Oh.
This is my better side.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You know you shouldn't tip them.
Yeah, you can't let them think
that they can earn money
just by being nice.
Are you excited
about the llamas?
Me and Charlie cannot
wait to see the llamas.
Oh, I can give
or take the llamas.
Oh, Charlie, you bloody fibber.
He wouldn't stop talking
about them back at the hotel.
let's start
a Facebook live feed.
Here we are.
Seores, seoras.
Bienvenidos. Welcome.
As we make our way up the trail,
please be careful
not to startle the llamas, okay?
They don't take it very well.
Can you say something
really ethnic?
Oh! I don't think we say
the word "ethnic" anymore.
Guys! Guys! The llamas,
they're here, okay?
Just come, be quiet.
Charlie, don't get too excited.
Remember what happened
with that kangaroo.
So beautiful!
Damn right.
God, it's fur is gonna look
gorgeous as a rug in my den.
What? What are you doing?
I thought this was
a sightseeing tour?
Well, you... you pay, you see,
you shoot, you whatever.
Why would you want
to shoot these creatures?
What is wrong with you?
We came all the way down here
to the inferior hemisphere.
We're definitely gonna
shoot something.
I'm not gonna let you do this.
I don't think
you can stop us, honey.
Shoo! Shoo!
Get out of here!
These are bad people!
Bad, bad people!
All right, darlin',
we warned ya.
Now get outta the way
before we fire.
Well, looky here.
A perfect bathmat.
Oh, my god!
What are they saying?
They say,
"we want the white people."
Wait! Are you
just gonna leave us?!
Yes! Goodbye!
Do you have any idea who I am?
Any idea at all?
I am only
the CEO of Dynet media!
World leader in viral marketing.
Ring any bells?
- Huh?
You don't even know what
viral marketing is, do you?
Ah, be quiet and get up!
I will not get up.
I shall not get up, either.
There's a reason
they keep you people down here
in the bottom of the planet.
Now, I have come to this toilet
of a country to shoot a llama,
and by god, I am going
to shoot a llama!
Never mess with a llama.
Don't mistake
their benevolence for weakness.
They are a proud beast.
- Vamos. Vamos.
- No!
Hey! Come.
Well, that wasn't very long
for the llamas, was it?
Oh, wow. Look at that.
That's what I have to deal with
on a day-to-day basis.
Do you see what she's doing?
- Sandrine, are you still there?
- Yes, love.
Do you know where we are?
No, love.
I've got a bag on my head.
Oh, me too.
Heh. You wouldn't know it,
but, uh, I used to be famous.
I was in a rock band.
Hey, yeah!
You're a natural, man.
Yeah. And the one thing
that people don't say
to people
in rock bands is, uh, no.
Well, a long story short,
I was diagnosed
with a sex addiction.
I went to rehab.
I was ready to leave, and, uh...
But then I met Sheila,
you know...
The woman that is
always mad with me.
I'll tell you, she saved me.
She pulled me back
from the brink...
And my old life.
All that old stuff
that I used to do, and, uh...
- Beer.
- Why not? Yeah!
While the cat is away.
Give it to me. Yeah.
Get her passport.
You seem very nervous...
- Sandrine.
- It's just, um,
it's our first time
being kidnapped.
We don't want to get it wrong.
- Do we, Charlie?
- No.
You're doing just fine.
I run a top quality double
glazing company back in London,
and if we could pay the
ransom in windows...
French windows.
We do French windows, too.
Charlie, shh.
You like the British band
metal assassin?
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Turk Enry is a god.
Are Turk Enry's wife.
Oh, shit.
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Sheila, Sheila.
Things are looking up.
When I was five years old,
I had a pet cat.
It was a Siamese cat.
I loved him very much.
His name was Nomo.
Like the baseball player?
like the baseball player,
except my Nomo
was run over by a car, dead.
I took the body,
sealed it in a plastic bag,
put it in the family trashcan,
and five long,
hot summer days later,
the stench coming out of
that can was unbelievable.
That's what your town
smells like to me.
Do you know why
I like snakes, Ramon?
No. I don't
think anyone does.
Because they're so clean.
And they can shed their skin.
I wish I could shed my skin.
I would just take it
all right off right here.
Snakes and I
have that in common.
You know what else
we have in common?
You can dislocate your jaw?
We can only thrive
in certain environments.
We need to be in a safe place
in order to be the dominant killing
machines that we're meant to be.
What I'm trying to say is
I need to get out of this
pestilent colonial dump.
I'm wasted.
Here it is.
What is it?
A Taser gun. They wouldn't
authorize issue,
so I just bought one myself.
- Ah. A toy one?
- No, it's a real one.
Look, "shock your friends
with 20,000 volts.
Be your own
real-life dirty Barry."
I'm sure that's just a misprint.
Oh, very impressive, sir.
Chile is a safer place today.
Open this.
It's hurting my gums.
This is the hotel manager.
It's an emergency!
Ohm. Ohm. Ohm.
Excuse me.
May I come in?
All right. Come in.
I'm sorry, sir.
I've been ringing you over and
over again without an answer.
You better be telling me that
it's the end of the world,
or that someone
kidnapped my wife.
Someone has kidnapped your wife.
Exactly. You better
be telling me that.
Someone has kidnapped your wife.
They're asking
for a million dollars.
Oh! Oh! Oh, thank god.
I thought they'd be asking
for a lot of money.
John Hardigger's office,
this is Marybeth.
Hey, Marybeth.
It's Turk.
I need to speak to John.
Well, John's in a meeting.
Who is he with that is
more important than me?
Right now, Turk, everyone.
Uh, well, he's in a meeting
with the lead singer
of masculine Harmony right now
trying to convince him
to stay in the closet.
We all want to be gay,
Steve. All of us.
No women telling us what to do,
great fashion sense.
You can seemingly grab
women's breasts Willy-nilly,
and it's apparently fine.
But I just don't see
that working for you
in the context
of the music industry.
Look, think about it.
Which would you rather have...
The freedom to love whoever
you choose or loads of cash?
Can I help you?
Tell John that Sheila
has been kidnapped
and they need a million dollars!
Well, I don't need John.
I wouldn't even wake him up
for a million dollars.
That's what I said!
Listen, this has to stay
between the three of us, okay?
Or they say they'll kill her.
I need the money,
like, right now!
Is that understood?
Can you handle it?
- I'm on it. I'm on it.
- And tell John
to fuck off for never
answering my calls anymore.
Okay, tell John you need a million
dollars for his kidnapped wife,
keep it a secret,
and to fuck off. Got it.
Bye. Bye. Yeah, yeah.
That's it.
Have you heard of the Gatos?
Doesn't that mean cats?
It does. In Chile,
that's what we call our pirates.
They are former fisherman who were
crowded out by big companies.
You see, in this country,
a few wealthy people like you,
they own and control everything,
even the licenses
of who can fish.
That is why this village
that we're in now,
once thriving with the life
and laughter of families,
now lies empty.
Now the Gatos rob the big boats
to get their fish back.
What I do have is my crew,
and what I do not have
is a ship.
So, you see, that's why
you're here, unfortunately.
I, too, like the Gatos,
had to make the choice
between starving
and this dangerous life you see.
Listen, when I was modeling, I had
to skip meals all the time, too.
Okay, here's the deal.
Some foreigners
have been kidnapped
- in cerro la cam...
- Campana.
But one of them is a celebrity.
Oh! What? What? What?
A movie star?
- Who is it?
- Okay, listen.
We've gotta keep this on the qt.
Not even the legal attach finds out
about it until I've checked it out.
Everything is on qt. Got it.
Where is qt?
You don't know what qt means?
I learn English
at night school, sir.
- I almost did ceramics.
- It means quiet.
Mm-mmm. Ceramics means pots.
No, qt means quiet.
Oh. I see.
It's almost onomatopoeic?
You know onomatopoeic,
but you don't know qt?
I did not set the curriculum.
Okay, listen. This could be a
straightforward case of kidnapping,
or it could be something
a little more sinister,
like terrorist activity.
Terrorists? Here?
It would be
to my advantage if it were.
It would help me get
a position in Washington.
Do you have a shower here?
I'd love to clean up.
I will be just outside the door.
How you getting on in there?
I'm fine, thanks!
- Ooh!
Finished showering, I see.
How long exactly
have you guys been pirates?
Almost nine hours.
Are you the concierge?
That's the lighter
that doesn't work.
No, Mr. Turk,
I am federal agent Harding.
No, Harding. Ben Harding.
I am Enry.
- Oh, I thought it was Turk.
- Turk Enry.
- Oh.
- Please, take a seat.
Uh, listen, Mr. Enry,
American three-letter agencies
are already
at work on your case.
- You should expect them to...
- Well, you know, my manager
is taking care of everything.
It won't take long,
and I'm sorry we have
wasted your time.
Mr. Enry, there are
some things we need to discuss.
I'm concerned they're
asking for so much money.
One million. Uh, do you think
that's a lot of money?
Well, you know, I once bought a
giant "Tor-toys" for 2 million.
I thought I could ride up
the street, you know,
like the king of tortoises,
but, uh, that thing
barely bloody moved.
You could use the back
of it as a table.
We believe this is the work
of a terrorist cell.
- Terrorists?
- We heard some chatter
from the aggregate homeland/NSA.
Metadata harvesting machines
up in outer space.
Now, it's classified
for your safety.
Screw it. You know,
it makes no difference.
I'll pay the money,
I get Sheila back,
and maybe next time,
she'll think twice
before flying us
to exotic places.
Maybe you don't understand me.
The United States government
does not negotiate
with terrorists,
and we cannot allow you
to fund them.
I'm not starting
an indiegogo for Isis.
I'm getting my wife back.
Imagine what those savages
could do with a million dollars.
Yeah, they could buy
half a giant tortoise.
What's a "Tor-toys"?
- It's a big animal with a shell.
- So it's a turtle.
Luis was a bus boy.
Diego was a school teacher.
We all wanted something more.
When you're poor,
people take from you
until you can't take it anymore,
and then you take back.
That is freedom.
What's the matter?
Diego is saying he's
putting on too much weight
and can we please
cut the carbs in the meal.
He is one fat fucker!
Get out!
Come on.
John says, and I quote,
"you can tell
that U.S. government tool
that if they think they can keep
you from getting your wife back,
they're gonna have every media
outlet in the known bloody universe
climbing up their asses."
Last thing we need to do
is keep this on the qt.
Did John really say that?
He would have
if he'd read my emails.
Normal people do this every day.
It's as simple
as opening a beer.
Well, who is bringing the money?
The money's at the bank.
You just need
to go and pick it up.
Why do I have to do it?
Can I... can I...
Can I pay someone to do it?
I-I-i don't,
you know, do things.
You'll be fine.
It's a trip to the bank.
Here, this is how
you throw a punch.
John should be here.
Pick up the money,
wait for the kidnappers.
Nothing to worry about.
I am bloody terrified.
It will all be over soon.
I promise.
And I'll keep trying to reach
John, but you don't need him.
What did she call me?
Here's your taxi, sir.
Uh, wait, wait, wait.
Pedicab. All right.
Welcome to Banco Nacional,
Mr. Enry.
Everything is ready for you.
Very good. Very good.
Whoa! That's it?
It seems that a million dollars
cash should look more, um...
Well, hey, everything else
in the world
is just disappointing,
so why not this?
Mr. Enry, you must count it.
Oh, the main reason
I became a musician
was because
we only count to four.
- Ah.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
And one, two, and...
Mr. Enry, I'm sorry. I can't
let you take that money.
What money?
I am just a man going out
for a walk with, uh...
With his suitcase.
This is a matter
of national security.
No, no, no, no, no.
Mr. Enry, I could have you arrested
for violating the patriot act.
The press will get wind of this,
your wife will be
in even more trouble.
Now just stop it.
Just relax.
Take a Quaalude.
You don't have to save the day.
Somebody else
will do it for you.
Uh... well, yeah.
Maybe you're right. Yeah.
Yes. That's the spirit.
I'm comin' for you, Turk Enry!
Oh, no!
Move it!
Oh ho!
Oh ho!
What the fuck am I doing?
Out! Get out!
- Out!
Oh, my god.
He actually did it.
This is so cool!
Please, please, don't arrest me.
Don't arrest me
in front of... of... of me.
Okay. I'm going
to impound the money,
you're gonna stay in your hotel,
and consider yourself
lucky I don't arrest you.
Oh, am I supposed
to say thank you?
Okay, then, thank you,
you colossal prick!
You know I need that money
to rescue my wife!
I can have you arrested for
violating the espionage act,
for aiding, abetting, and
communicating with the enemy.
Now, even your high-priced
attorney can't help you
when I ship you off to Gitmo.
Good day, sir.
It feels good to speak Spanish.
Fifty minutes Cardio,
Fifty minutes Pilates,
starting at 6:00
every morning.
I can give you a detailed plan.
Plus you need to show strength.
You're a pirate captain.
Yeah. Yeah, tell me...
Tell me more about that.
Excuse me, um...
I'll speak to my crew.
A show of strength it is.
What do I do now?
They won't let me
pay the ransom.
I can't rescue Sheila.
A beer?
You are so right.
I'll call my manager.
I'm a freakin' rock star.
I don't have
to get my hands dirty.
I pay 10% on everything I earn
so someone else can get my wife
out of hostage situations.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
I can't call John up,
and Harding has
definitely tapped my phone.
That's how he knew
I was at the bank.
You are so sharp, boy.
John Hardigger's office.
Really? I can't even
get John at 3 A.M.?
All right, Marybeth...
Listen carefully, all right?
My phone is tapped.
Why? You're the most irrelevant
person I know right now.
Just write it down.
I'm speaking in code.
Slots and roulette.
Slots and roulette.
Good at making friends.
Good at making friends.
John Mayer's sixth album...
Paradise valley.
- But in Spanish.
- But in Spanish.
My grandmother's homeland.
Will you remember
what I said tonight?
What I said tonight.
Good. Bye.
Valle Paraiso.
Bob Dylan.
The first line
of "tomorrow night."
Casino social...
Valparaiso Chile...
I'm going to south America.
Oh, but where are we going?
We've been walking
for bloody hours.
And we're both wearing crocs.
They are not a hiking shoe.
Look, if you're gonna kill
us, just do it, all right?
Just do it.
Just bloody do it!
Oh. You don't have to be
so enthusiastic, Sandy.
I mean, you don't have to do it.
You really don't.
Buenos noches.
That means good night.
Oh, this is it, then.
- Oh, god!
- I want you to know
I've always been
faithful to you.
I know, love.
- Do you want to say it back to me?
- What, love?
That you've been faithful.
- In body or in mind, Charlie?
- What?
Well they're
two different things.
Well, just the body thing.
Bloody hell, Charlie!
Where have they bloody gone?
God. This is the worst
holiday we've been on.
What, worse than Scotland?
No, not worse than Scotland.
That bloody awful breakfast bar.
Oh! Where were you?
You just leave me all tied
up here with seor carbs?
All right, Sheila, Sheila, Sheila,
I understand you're upset,
and this is not
very comfortable for you,
but soon you can go back to being the
pampered wife of a retired rock star.
Excuse me?
He is the pampered husband
of a retired supermodel.
Maybe you're right.
I'm just a rock star's wife now.
He's agreed to pay the ransom.
Of course he's going
to pay the ransom.
We're married.
And we only have each other now.
Well, what about metal assassin?
They split up.
Actually, they split up with
Turk since we got clean.
Yeah, it turns out
without the drugs and sex,
they had nothing to talk about.
I don't know if Turk has
ever forgiven me for that.
Well, he hasn't forgiven you
for saving his life?
I'm not sure he thinks
his life's worth too much.
He's been sulking for months.
He wouldn't even go on this
tour of Cayo Santiago with me.
He shouldn't
be paying my ransom.
He should be here with me,
god damn it.
My life is just so unfair.
My parents were burned
by narcos when I was three.
As a child alone
in the streets amidst the abuse,
the drugs and beatings,
I had one friend, my dog.
One day I got so hungry, I...
Ate my dog.
Okay, you win.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, I got here
as fast as I could.
So, uh,
where is John?
To be honest, I don't know.
I'm pretty low
on the pecking order,
but I hear that
he's somewhere important.
So who is he sending to help?
I'm the cavalry.
Oh, Sheila, baby,
we are so screwed.
"And though she be but little,
she is fierce."
I've made us an appointment.
- Ah. Okay. Yeah. Good.
- Yeah.
- Who is coming for...
- G'day!
Oh! Here he is.
Mr. Enry, Clive Muggleton.
I'm your case officer.
Jesus. Those are some
white teeth, you know that?
They're beautiful. You know, it
reminds me of high-grade cocaine.
Hi. You must
be miss Monahan.
Well, we spoke on the phone,
so thanks very much
for coming down here.
Ah! A pleasure to put
a face to the voice
and a body to that face.
Sorry. I'm doing a course
on misogyny to stop all that.
That just popped out.
Won't happen again.
About my situation...
Yes, here's the blurb.
Layem international consultants.
We're a full-service
executive security agency.
We do it all,
from debugging offices
to providing expertise
in planning,
and here's
the part you'll like...
Executing ransom
and retrieval operations.
Wh-wh-what if something
happens to Sheila?
Well, I'll find
the bastards responsible,
and I'll bring you
their heads in a bag.
I don't think I want
the head in a bag.
Where would I put it?
The fridge.
Look, I mean this
completely as a compliment,
but you have
the perfect-sized knockers.
I mean, they're just the size.
Sorry, won't happen again.
- Okay.
- So...
She tells me you're
in some sort of band?
He's in metal assassin.
Well, I can't say
I've heard of him,
but I'm into crowded house,
INXs, ac/dc,
both the Minogues,
Dannii and Kylie.
All right, enough chit-chat.
I'm gonna do some recon.
I'll meet you in the afternoon.
Stay out of trouble,
super boobs.
I'm sorry. That one is
a step over the line.
Sir? Okay.
Okay. I want you to consider
a hypothetical situation.
You're presented with two doors.
Behind door number one,
germ-infested pile of fecal matter.
The closer you get
to this mound of excrement,
you see that it's teeming with
prostitutes, thieves, and pickpockets.
Sounds like my front door.
Behind door number two,
suitcase full of nice,
clean U.S. cash dollars.
That sounds better.
Well, which door would you take?
Mmm... okay.
The money over shit.
Okay, I have a way to make
both of our dreams come true.
You know what I would
do if I had $1 million?
I'd go get myself
a little dosa cart.
Sell dosas all day long.
I have no idea what that is.
I want you to follow
Mr. Enry.
I need to know his every move.
Buenos das, seora.
This is awesome. Awesome.
Love it. I'm gonna buy
it from you.
I don't understand
this arrangement at all.
Machas gracias.
Well, all right,
gorgeous. G'day.
How are you enjoying Valparaiso?
Yeah, it's like, um,
San Fran meets south beach,
only mucho grosser.
So it's a bit
like Nottingham really.
Look, I'm just gonna say it.
You look unbelievable
in those pants.
Five-star ass.
And there, that's me done.
Gin and tonic?
Right, back to business.
The U.S. government.
They've got their heads
up their ass.
The kidnappers aren't
- How do you know that?
- I just know.
I reckon that some blokes
just got lucky.
They went fishing for tourists.
They nabbed the wife
of a rock star.
I reckon they're
shittin' themselves.
So what should we do?
Pay the ransom,
get your wife back...
Get laid,
not necessarily in that order.
All right,
we'll pick it up tomorrow.
In the meantime,
stay off the phones.
We want them out of the loop.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll see you later.
I'm agent Harding.
I got five words for ya.
Drop the Enry case.
Drop the Turk Enry case.
What do you care?
I might have some friends
in Washington
who would be interested in pulling
some lucrative middle-east contracts
once they find out
their guy in Chile
screwed the pooch
on a terrorism case.
Screwed the pooch?
You guys still saying that?
Oh, yeah.
Okay. Well, great.
Let's go.
No, no, no. Wait.
Hold on, hold on..
I thought you couldn't wait
to get out of here?
That guy is amazing.
So passionate.
And he's killing it,
and no one seems to give a shit.
He's the real deal.
Look at him.
He lives for music.
Sorry, sorry. Uh,
let me just write this down
while it's still in my head.
I'm not gonna sugar the pill.
I don't have great news.
No, the U.S. government.
They put pressure
on the company.
They won't let me take the case.
Is it because of that
terrorist crap, right?
Yep, yep. For what
it's worth, it's bullshit.
Am I supposed to let her rot
while they decide what
the hell they want to do?!
They already have
my million dollars!
Excellent. Excellent.
Now stay angry,
and I want you to listen to me,
all right? Hit the table.
- Why?
There's a guy over there.
He's been following us.
Act angry.
But I can't act unless I'm high
and I'm surrounded by dolphins.
I just need you to do it, okay?
I'm so angry, and, uh...
And... and, shit! Uh...
Yeah, well, company...
Gtt gtt gtt!
Can't take the case, but I will.
No, I'm... pissed off!
My fee's half million dollars
wired to this account.
Go to hell, you
marsupial-fellating dingo!
I'm sorry.
Don't know if you're
jerking my crank or his,
but the racial stuff, mate,
that's a bit... you know?
I was carried away,
you didgeridoo douchebag!
God, mate! I can't help ya!
You used-up
wannabe has-been!
You didn't have to get
personal, man, okay?
It really hurts.
My men stole it from a junkyard.
Mmm, they should
have left it there.
Whoa, watch out.
You need to be careful
when tacking.
The boom is always on the move.
You can sail?
Yeah. I was raised
in the fjords of Sweden.
Oh, I realize
I have much to learn.
I should not be captain.
You should be captain.
Okay, take the tiller.
Yes, of course.
Which one's the tiller?
Ah. This is the tiller.
I knew it.
Yeah. We'll make
a pirate of you yet.
Also, you're gonna need a hat.
Ah! A pirate hat.
Filthy, sickening mountain
of vile putrefaction.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes, I did.
There are currently two scenarios
that could work in our favor.
One, something terrible
happens to Turk Enry.
He can't get the money,
he can't pay the ransom,
they're stuck with a hostage.
Scenario two... kidnappers get
jumpy, they kill Sheila.
Now, I can't
control scenario two,
but I can control scenario one.
Oh, yes, yes. I understand.
I'm suggesting that
we take out Turk Enry,
but I need a way to do it
and stay safe.
Like how I stay safe
from your snake?
I stay far away.
You're a genius, Ramon.
Uh, I don't know this word.
That's a red-striped
coral snake.
It's more deadly than a cobra.
One drop of its venom
paralyzes every muscle
in the body,
making normal
organ function impossible.
Oh, this job has become
very strange, sir.
Hello. I would like to arrange
a hot tub treatment...
- Jacuzzi. Jacuzzi.
- I got this.
- For a very special friend of mine.
- Amigo.
- Okay.
- Amigo, right?
Yep. Uh...
Yeah, just say it.
S. Exacto,
un jacuzzi para Turk.
Gracias. S.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
Here's your towel, sir.
Anything you need, please call me.
All right.
- Beer?
- Beer!
Yes, that's my guy.
Thank you.
Hello, there.
Hey! What the fuck?!
You are very lucky.
- No. Yeah?
- He saved you.
Plus the snake has died
from what we can only assume
is alcohol poisoning.
Will I be able
to have sex again?
No sex for
at least three months.
Are you married?
Yeah, but she
has been held hostage.
Well, that made
things easier, right?
- Yeah.
- Mr. Enry.
This has...
- Oh.
- This just arrived for you.
Thank you, Ramira.
Mate. How you doin'?
Oh, I can't imagine
the pain you're in.
Bitten right on
the tip of your jizzpipe.
His dick has been in thousands
of dangerous places.
He'll be fine.
You have no idea
how he's feeling, love.
It's one of the many advantages
of having a vagina.
It's highly unlikely you're gonna
get bitten on the end of it.
Please stop talking
about my poisoned cock.
I had a mate sleeping
rough in the bush,
passed out one night, hammered,
woke up the next morning to discover
a dingo had eaten his ball.
Took it clean off.
Must got a taste for it, too.
Came back the next day,
took the other.
Right, well, look, it's
all pretty straightforward.
Take the money to the
coordinates, go alone...
Seems pretty adamant about that.
Oh, we'd better
listen to them, you know?
They have already killed twice.
The only danger is
gonna be the drop-off,
and I'll handle it.
Now, when we do get the money,
the less time we spend
with that in our possession,
the better.
All right, you know,
it was hard enough
getting the first million.
Did you know
they make you count it?
we do anything suspicious,
and Harding's
gonna be all over us.
What's the matter?
Snake got your penis?
- Yeah.
- Just kidding.
I think I'm having an idea.
This is how
we are gonna get the money.
- $1 million.
- First of all...
I use my tapped cell phone
to arrange the money
to be delivered
to the same bank as last time.
Yeah, so then I make a call
on your behalf from a pay phone,
and arrange for the money to
be sent to a different bank.
How tall are you, Clive?
Standard specification
sex machine, mate.
Me, too.
Now, I'm gonna wear this when
I go and collect the money.
That's a bloody
beautiful shirt, mate.
Glad you like it.
Agent Harding
will be on our tail.
- Follow that car!
So make sure, Turk,
you arrive at the bank
ten minutes early
giving you time to go into
the bar next door to the bank.
And you bring...
This stuff with you.
As per your list.
This salt shaker is me.
These two butter cups
are you and Clive.
And this peanut is Ben Harding.
What's the bottle of beer?
That's my bottle of beer.
The plan there is I drink it.
Ahh. It's good.
So agent Harding
is at the bank...
And he needs to be kept there
as long as possible.
Now, since you do a lot
of undercover spy stuff,
I am assuming you have a
collection of various disguises.
Oh, disguises, got the lot.
What do you want?
Beards or gums?
Ball caps? Spectacles?
You can disguise
a man's a testicles?
Oh, sure.
A man's own testicles
can be a real giveaway.
Sorry, where do you buy
fake testicles?
G'day, agent Harding.
Where you goin'?
Where is he?!
Is what he'll probably say.
I don't know who
you're talkin' about, sir!
keep an eye on Harding.
And let me know
when he's heading my way.
He'll be there in eight minutes.
Repeat, eight minutes.
Over and out. Bye.
There's only one other bank that
can handle that kind of cash.
It's not gonna take them long
to work out where you are.
Yeah, right on.
I just have to be quick.
All right, guys.
$1 million, right here.
And back here.
Rock 'n roll, man!
- Nice to see you.
- Very good. That was awesome.
Aah! Damn it!
And that's how we steal
a million dollars.
- But we're not stealing it.
- Um...
It's already yours.
You know, that's how we make
a withdrawal from a bank.
It doesn't sound as good.
Then I do the drop,
you get your wife back,
we're all set.
I know exactly where he's going.
There's no way this idiot
had more than
one new idea in a week.
To the El Amor bar and brothel.
There's an extra 20 U.S. cash
dollars if you know a shortcut.
Hey, dingo! Come on!
- Honey, honey.
- Just one more time.
I will give you for free.
Just one more time.
- I can't.
- Por favor.
Five's my limit. I've got
no more fluid left in me.
And I might have got...
Myself a little bit off track!
Hey, have you seen
a little girl?
Solid eight out of ten?
She was...
- Clive Muggleton.
- Shit.
I thought I told you
to get off of this case.
Good morning.
Move! I've got disease!
American government!
Get outta my way!
What are you doing?
You're a federal agent!
What's wrong?
Allergic to shellfish?
As a matter of fact, I am.
It's tight. You bastard!
How about some
shrimp on the Barbie?
How's that taste?!
How about some octopus, huh?
You got that
on the great barrier reef?
Oh! Ohh!
Oh, my god!
It's time.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Let's go.
Are you okay, Marybeth?
Deep breaths, Marybeth.
Deep breaths.
- Ohm.
- Mmm!
I mean, I thought
he was a douchebag,
but he was the kind of douchebag
that always said
nice things about my bum.
That's a hell of a eulogy.
What do we do now?
Well, I guess
I'll make the drop.
I'll have to do it.
But you... but you'd
need to take a boat
and find the right location.
Well, I'll be fine.
Let's see where I'm going.
All right.
All I have to do is just
take a boat and go
from this dot thing
through this tunnel thing
and, uh, meet this thing
that looks like a...
Uh, thanks
for the suitcase. It was...
Do you think I can do this?
- I know you can, Turk.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Go get your wife.
All right.
Hey, kid.
Are you all right?
No. It's not the time.
Maybe just one for the road.
Uh... make it two.
Yep. Very good.
No harm will come to you
as long as your husband
My life is
in the hands of my husband?
It was nice knowing you.
Oh. He once
wrote a self-help manual
entitled bark yourself happy.
It was based on the idea
that, and I quote,
"dogs don't get depressed."
Surely your husband
is a capable man.
Oh ho ho! Shit!
- Clive!
Calm down, love.
No time for a stiffy.
Clive, you were...
You were dead!
- Yeah.
- What's wrong with your neck?
Harding tried to break it.
I faked it.
- And your eyes?
- Forced entry by shrimp.
Hold on. So when I...
When I found you,
you were alive?
Yeah. Sorry, love.
Look, you were leaning
right over me.
I could see straight
down your top.
Couldn't bear to end it.
Crikey. Yeah, where's Turk?
Oh, he's there.
Whoa ho ho!
Oh ho ho!
Oh, he's out of his depth.
Physically and metaphorically.
Well, what
are you gonna do? Swim?
You can't turn your head.
This one's for love.
Also money.
All right.
I'll need a pursuit vehicle.
Coming with you.
Tactical combat suit,
medium, check.
Gun, check.
Camouflage paint, check.
GPS, check.
Grenade, check.
Power bar, check.
Oh, okay.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, there you are.
All right.
Okay, uh...
Sheila! I'm coming for you!
Can you see him?
All I can see is top left sky.
Oh. The dildo.
I mean, the statue.
Oh. Oh ooh ooh!
Oh, we have got
a slight problem.
God damn it.
I am Turk Enry!
I brought the money!
It's in this,
uh, horrible suitcase!
This suitcase doesn't
belong to me.
Hello, kidnappers!
Ha ha!
You couldn't do what
you were told, could ya?
All you had to do was nothing,
and you couldn't even do that.
Well, you can't kill me.
I am English.
Part Spanish and
technically Chilean,
and I live in Malibu.
It's all very confusing, man.
Why didn't you just give me the
million dollars and walk away?
Because it's
not about the money!
It's about my wife!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
You don't deserve any
of this stuff that you got.
You were
in a has-been rock band.
You play the bass.
It's only got four strings.
Ow! God! My head!
Have a beer!
The bass is
the heartbeat of a band.
- Stay there!
- G'day, Turk.
You're dead, man!
- You're dead!
- Well, you shouldn't be dealing with this.
I'll take it from here.
Shit! Just hide!
Go! Both of you! Out!
I hope they didn't see us.
Have you got an eye on Turk?
Well, that seems to be one
benefit of this neck situation.
I can see perfectly
around corners.
- Good afternoon.
- Uh... hi.
Hey, you were supposed
to come alone, man!
I was trying to,
other than these two,
I am completely alone.
Ha ha!
And him.
I forgot about him.
And my m204 a5 hand grenade.
- Aah!
Damn it!
- Shit!
- Get down!
- Oh, yeah, the neck.
Oh, yeah.
That's a bit grubby.
Goodbye, Ben Harding.
I'm sorry.
Mr. Enry,
may I ask you a question?
Do you think metal assassin
will get back together?
I don't think so.
Besides, I have other projects.
No, wait, wait, wait.
So you're going solo?
I am trying to,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're a true artist.
- Oh.
- You will find your new voice.
Just listen to
what is in your heart.
It will tell you.
I miss my wife.
Probably I miss her
more than she misses me.
She's the most important thing
in my life.
She's the glue
that puts together
all the pieces
of the person that is me.
And I need to tell her that.
So that's why you...
You have to give her back to me.
I love Sheila.
And Sheila loves you.
Oh, god.
Pay no heed to my erection.
I am a sex addict,
but not homosexual.
Let's just...
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
You know
I may be an idiot, but...
I know that fine is never fine.
Why should I go with you?
Well, I...
I don't know.
Because I love you.
Love me? Love me?
You can barely stand
to be around me
since metal assassin broke up.
- What? No.
- You don't need me.
You think I don't need you?
Are you kidding?
I can't do anything without you.
I'm a mess.
All I've done is to think about
what a total asshole
I have been.
I wrote a song!
You haven't been able to write
since the band broke up.
I wrote a song for you.
Prove it.
Like... like, right here?
Now in...
Yes, right here!
Right here!
If you can't make
a single gesture, then I...
God damn it!
Okay. I'll prove it.
All right?
Muchacho, I need.
All right.
It's just the chorus,
but it's a start.
- It's a start.
- Yeah.
I feel like we are
having a moment here,
but I have some news
about my penis.
I've had $2.5 million vacations
with fatalities before,
but goddamn, this one was
interesting, you know?
Hey, Ramira.
We are gonna need, um,
a couple of in-room
massages and tons of beer.
Un momento.
Let me check her schedule.
All I need is a hot shower
with no one watching.
All I need is you, baby.
Oh, and oysters, caviar,
and champagne.
I don't need money.
I don't need fame.
- I don't need John.
- I'm sorry.
We can't make any more
charges to your room.
Your accounts have been frozen.
Marybeth, can you
find John for me, please?
Bad news. John is gone.
He's drained four of his clients'
bank accounts and disappeared.
What, does that mean
I don't get paid?
- Crap.
- I just...
I just want to go home.
Hold on, Turk. Who exactly has
been paying your mortgage?
- Just use your phone, baby.
- No way.
I want this to be
like my old touring days.
Besides, the data
is just too expensive.
From now on,
I'm going to be your CGI.
It's not CGI. It's GPS.
Yeah. Well, that too.
And now something
from my new album!
I wrote this song
in a very hard time of my life.
I was alone and scared,
and then I lost the most
important thing in my life...
The use of my penis.
And so it begins.
- No.
No one is gonna find me here.
Well, this is very nice.
Careful when tacking.
The boom is always on the move.
S, captain.
Oooh, baby.
Have I ever been to India?
- No. Not India. No.
- No?
I just had
a Bollywood experience.
We can go now.
Sheila is right.
These dolphins
should not be caged.
Come, dolphins. Come.
Oh, swim free, sweet dolphins.
Such beautiful
and gentle creatures.
Peace and love.
Time for a power bar.
Mmm. Mmm.
Back off! Please, god!
Stop! Aah! Mine!
This is my power bar!
You fuckin'... go, get off!
Ha! I will mace you!
Oh, god!
It's got doll's eyes!
Yeah, that's about it.
It's a beautiful place, huh?
Oh, and I don't know
if you read up on this place,
but it used to belong
to some kind of rock star.
Huh. You know what?
I love it.
Congratulations, Mr, uh...?
My name is Ramon.
And what did you say you do?
I have a dosa cart.
Well, I used
to have a dosa cart.
Now I have 3,000 dosa carts.
Yep. Things are looking up.
Well, if it isn't
my favorite chica caliente!
I'm going to assume
that's offensive.
Listen, Clive,
what's the news on John?
- He got away.
- He got away?
We used the wrong kind of snake.
Turns out all it did
was make his dingle grow.
He should send me
a thank you card.
Anyhow, John's on the move.
- The sparrow is in the sky.
- What?
He's hired a private jet.
He's outta here.
- So we've lost him?
- Maybe not.
Turns out masculine Harmony
have a large and extremely
bad-tempered second cousin.
- Nice fella. Russian.
- So?
You know what
the second cousin does?
- Surprise me.
- He charters out a private jet.
Shouldn't you
be flying the plane?
- I won't fight you.
- Why not?
Because I'm no good at fighting.
English man.
When it comes
to umbrellas, my friend,
never fuck with an Englishman.