Gypped in the Penthouse (1955) Movie Script

No ice, I'll get it myself.That's all...
Oh, I beg your pardon sir.
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry...
Larry! Of all people! I
haven't seen you in years.
Shemp! You're a sight for sore eyes!
Sit down and we'll have a drink.
I don't mind if I do.
What kind of stuff is this?
Nice and fresh!
When did you join the Woman Haters Club?
Oh, it's a long story. I'll
have to tell you a little later.
Right now, we're busy with
this. You see. Oh, brother!
There you are!
- Here's how!
- I know how.
Too much seltzer.
You're right! They do
make that seltzer strong.
Well, you asked me a question.
It's a long story, but you asked for it.
I was sitting at home
reading a newspaper
when I happen to glance
at the personal column.
There was an ad that caught my eye.
"Tired of being beautiful and alone.
"Will like to meet clean,
well dressed handsome man
"about 35. Object matrimony.
"Address box 41144 Daily Journal."
What an opportunity!
Beautiful and alone.
But a handsome man,
that might be a problem.
What time is it?
Every time I look at this
seven day clock, it stops.
I can't be that ugly. Or can I?
Mirror mirror on the wall,
who's the fairest of them all?
I break more mirrors that way!
Well, believe it or not,
she thought I was handsome.
And I fell for her like a ton of bricks.
Well, a few nights later,
I went over to visit her
at her apartment as usual and...
Close your eyes. I
have a surprise for you.
Oh darling, it's beautiful!
Oh, I'm gonna relax and smoke a bit.
- You wanna smoke?
- Thank you!
- Oh, excuse me.
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
What can I do for you?
Didn't you make a mistake?
Yeah, I hit the wrong eye.
Ah, my beautiful Jane!
While it's in my brain,
may I dared again to ask you not refrain
the chance to make us twain.
Oh, darling, it's beautiful!
- You may kiss me.
- Indeed!
Hey! What the hey!
Who is this spotted raccoon?
Oh, he tried to get engaged to me
with that miserable
little two karat ring.
Just a minute,
that was two and a half
karats, you gold digger!
Why don't you watch your manners?
How dare you call my
tomato a gold digger?
Get away from here!
I guess I told him a two or thing.
I took care of that guy, I tell you.
That caterpillar thinks he's smart,
but he's not smart
enough for me. I'll...
Look out!
Oh, baby!
- Speak to me! Yes?
- This.
I'll murder you! Take it
easy now. Turn me loose.
I'll get you. I'll
tear your tonsils out.
I can't move here! Get
me out of this! I'll...!
I'm through with women
forever! Give me back my ring.
- That's the wrong ring.
- So sue me.
I'll catch up to you one
of these days, wise guy,
and when I do, pow!
Women have always made
trouble. They're all alike.
Now, my trouble started in the subway.
It was crowded and I
was hanging onto a strap.
And all of a sudden,
a beautiful girl get up
and give me a seat.
Well, to make a long friendship short,
here I was at her home...
- That meal was wonderful.
- Oh, thank you!
Beautiful and can cook too.
Thank you!
There now. Will you excuse
me while I powder my nose?
Sure! Where does this pitcher belong?
Up there in the cabinet.
Oh, she forgot to put the
dirty dishes in the washer.
I'll do it.
Oh, I'm so sorry! The automatic
shut-off is out of order.
Oh, you're soaking wet!
You better get those wet clothes off
before you catch cold.
Come on, I'll give
you something to wear.
In a minute, in a minute.
- Come on.
- Alright.
Oh, they're soaked.
Now you hurry up and get
out of those wet clothes
and I'll send them out
to be cleaned and pressed.
Meanwhile, make yourself at home.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, I'm sorry!
Here you are.
Where'd you get the men's pajamas?
Oh, they're my husband's,
but we're separated.
Here, put this on. It'll
help keep you warm, I think.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Boy oh boy oh boy,
what a night that was.
Go on.
Let's wet our whistles
first. Here's looking at you!
Sorry pal. Go on with your story.
Well, there we were in the living room
waiting for my suit to
come back from the cleaners.
She was fond of music
and I was playing the piano and singing.
I was trying to impersonate
that guy with the candelabra.
Home, home on the farm!
In Georgia, our farm had such charm.
And mama's so sweet,
cooks good things to eat.
In Georgia, down on the farm.
How was that?
Oh, that's wonderful.
You're quite a musician.
Just fair. I play that in four sharps.
I used to play in five flats
but I got kicked out of the last one.
Oh, what a lovely ring! May I see it?
- Thank you very much!
- Oh no! No no no!
Now wait a minute. Give
me that now, give me that!
Oh, it went down that hole.
Excuse me. I'm expecting
an important phone call.
I can't get my hands under.
Gosh, it went down further!
Oh, you cock-eyed thing.
What happened?
I feel like a pretzel.
If she sees this mess, she'll kill me.
I better get rid of it.
In here! Never saw a piano
with so much junk in it.
She'll kill me if she sees this.
She'll never know the difference. Hello!
You wrecker! Oh! Your ring!
That will pay for the
damage to my piano.
There must be a way to get that ring
without getting into
trouble with the censor.
Sweetheart! Open the
door. I forgot my key.
Oh, it's my husband.
But I thought you were separated.
We were. He was on a trip.
That's separated, isn't it?
Oh, he's terribly jealous.
If he finds you here, he'll kill you.
If you think I'm afraid,
you're right. Where will I hide?
Upstairs. In the bedroom.
I'm sorry honey. I
must've forgot my key.
Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes.
Oh, well! Uh, you... you
got home early, didn't you?
Yes, I flew. And are my arms tired.
I'm expecting a wire.
A tiger!
A boy said you told him to
clean and press this suit.
Whose is it?
- Who are you hiding?
- Well...
Never mind, I'll find him myself.
- Now now now honey!
- I'll murder him.
Please, now listen.
- Moe, listen, believe me!
- Well, I don't believe you.
Moe! Put down that gun.
I will if I don't find that rat!
Aha! The bed!
Moe, there's nobody here.
Why are you looking under the bed?
Because that's where I hide when I...
- What am I saying?
- What?
Never mind, I'll find
him. Oh, the closet!
I'll get that home wrecker!
Oh, please! Listen
to me. Please, please!
I'll find him.
He must be amongst these clothes.
Moe, I told you there is nobody here.
Well, that's not my suit.
And I'm gonna find the guy that it fits.
Oh, Moe! Moe, please listen to me!
I ain't listening to nobody.
- Shut up! How tall was he?
- Oh, he was about five...
Moe, I tell you there's nobody here.
Now relax and sit down.
Now listen.
Oh, no, Moe baby. Lie down and relax.
You're getting all upset for nothing.
Well, maybe you're right.
Why, certainly. You're being silly.
You know I wouldn't have
another man in this apartment.
I'll get you, you rat!
I ran sixteen blocks.
Got pinched for masquerading as a woman,
and I had to pay fifty dollars fine.
How do you like that? Oh! I hate women.
I don't blame you,
Shemp. Fifty dollars fine!
- Hey, there's Charlie.
- Let's say hello.
All the dame wants is diamonds.
- Two karats, four karats...
- Hi you, Charlie!
- Hi Charles!
- Oh, hi fellas.
Say, I want you to meet a new member.
This is, uh...
Why you rat!
Oh, yeah? Who you call a rat, eh?
- I'm sorry, Charlie boy!
- Oh, a wise guy.
Oh, you wanna fight, eh?
Get out of here.
I'll brain you.
Oh, Moe! Moe! Wait,
I'll get you out of it.
Hold still.
Moe! Moe! Can I do something?
Can I get you a glass of water?
A truck hit me.
Come on! Let's get out of here!
Why don't you watch where you're going?
Well, what a pleasant surprise!
- Jane!
- The diamond kid!
Oh, this is wonderful. Long time no see.
- Where've you been?
- Well, I've been around.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Oh! Please! Oh, no!
Now, cut that...!