Hacked: A Double Entendre of Rage Fueled Karma (2025) Movie Script

1
No, no, no.
Not the blowtorch again.
Not the blowtorch again.
Oh, my ear!
That really burns!
No! No, no, no, no, no!
That tattoo took
like seven days, bro!
No!
No, no!
No, not my pinky toe!
No, no, that's my nipple!
No!
Okie-dokie.
This movie requires a little bit of context.
That's me.
My name is Shane.
Wait, no, no, no!
And that is my
beautiful wife, Emily.
So we did what any
normal human would do.
And we made an entire movie
with our best friends
and had as much fun
as humanly possible.
Our therapist told us that this
is a healthy coping mechanism.
They have not seen this movie.
Ralph, get off!
He still thinks he's like two.
- Po-po-pow!
- -Congratulations to our boy.
There we go.
I'm out. I have nothing.
Nothing left.
Does anyone have a lighter?
You guys liked the food?
And you're gonna pay for it?
...ding dong dishing?
Wait, no, not d--
a dining dish.
Let's get out of here!
We're committing felonies.
A bunch of people died.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's the Indian burial house.
I told you, don't put them
in that house.
What? Oh, you didn't say
they were foreign.
I'll rubber stamp it.
I forgot. I really don't care.
So... Sorry about that.
Mark the sound guy,
Amy the event planner.
I'm willing to bet you guys have
loud and eventful sex.
Looks like we are pretty much
good to go here.
Sorry, pretty much?
Well, looks bad that
you guys both lost
your jobs during the pandemic.
Yeesh.
Yeah, well, with COVID, anyone
in entertainment
-hit a brick wall so it's--
-Mm-hmm.
Like exotic dancers and escorts.
I was thinking of our jobs,
but sure, yeah.
Yeah, you were
thinking of yourself.
I was thinking exotic dancers
and escorts.
- Okay.
- Congratulations on being
almost
first-time homeowners.
Yay.
-Hooray.
-Oh, my God.
-We seriously cannot wait.
Um, so it is time
-Okay.
for you to help us send
the down payment. I have
-paperwork for you.
-Yeah, we've never sent a...
You should be waiting
an email from, um--
- from somebody in our office.
- No--
Isn't that why you're here?
-Don't we just wire the money
now since you're here?
-No, go ahead.
This is important.
This is chill,
-but what's happening here
is important.
-Is he--
Marshall, I feel like I don't
have your full attention.
Yeah, I, uh-- yeah, I'm here.
I'm for you.
We just keep getting emails
from you, and then half the time
it's from Roger.
-Or Brandon. Or Sarah.
And it's really confusing.
-And you never CC Mark...
-It's just killing my type A
organizational brain.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I wanna acknowledge
what you're both saying,
and to be honest,
it's 'cause we're beyond
shitty at our jobs.
All of us. We suck.
We're worthless.
Wait, that's too mean-spirited.
Yeah, I'm also getting floored
mentally by the pandemic,
and I have no time
for self-care.
I'm consuming a lot of content
about cephalopods,
anything that has tentacles,
- I'm big into.
- -Yeah, that's more like it.
Well, I am so glad I insisted
on doing this in person.
Really, really special,
and so rare these days.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, cool.
Yeah, they're in.
So that's it? He's gone?
- Get him! Get him!
- Come on! No!
It's two
against one, not fair!
There he is!
He's pinned. Let's get him.
-Hey, get Deadbolt ready.
-Okay.
Not again! Come on!
Let's do a combined power-up.
One, two, three.
Come on!
Die, you filthy dick!
Six feet under, bro!
Too slow, you actually
dropped dead, Fred.
I'm gonna kill you!
Oh, you're gonna kill us?
-Do you swear?
-Do you swear under oath?
Because the last time
I checked, I--
I think we just
killed you again.
You need way better gear.
Deadbolt is by far the
best axe in the game.
Yeah, but the only way to get
Deadbolt is if you have
like 15 hours a day
to play the game.
Yeah.
It's the one item you can't buy.
You have to actually earn it by
being good at the game.
I'm level 74!
You obviously bought your
account.
You're not actually 74.
Who let you play this game?
Is it those silly gooses down at
the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Hey, no. No, no, no, no.
Hey, we're gonna go again,
alright?
What are you saying?
I think you're glitching out.
I--
- I just-- I can't hear your
whining over your mom's moaning.
I bet your lap smells
like piss because
your micropenis aim is so bad.
Go buy a better account,
you punk-ass biatch!
Hey, come say that to my face,
you little shit!
Ralph, we went too far.
Listen, I apologize
for everything we said.
We do have to go.
We're gonna go play some
burn victims with no hands,
so there's more of a challenge.
Hey, if you boot me
from the server,
it'll be the biggest mistake
of your lives.
Oh, I'm gonna find your IP
address.
I'll find out where you live.
I--
Bitch.
Okay.
You've brought this
upon yourselves.
It's time to find out
where you live.
I just got an email that you two
are weeks behind on homework,
skipping class, failing tests.
How are you failing
online school?
Uh-- 'cause it's pointless.
Dad, we learn more watching
murder documentaries
than anything Obesemus Fatson's
gonna teach us on Zoom
from her bed.
Okay, so as liquid
it means death,
but as air it means we can
knock someone out.
This is the shit they should be
teaching in school.
No, you're right. It's like
a step-by-step on how
to get away
with kidnapping
and killing someone.
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
The smart ones bring down
the house at the end.
Fire solves everything.
Okay. If you want to make it
in the world,
in the real world,
you have got to get
your hands dirty. Okay?
You can't keep spending
all day watching TV,
-playing Thunder Siege,
making your weird videos.
-Okay.
We have 20k followers.
I claim this car for mine!
What are you doing?
-What the hell?
-Freddy, what are you? Freddy--
Hey, what are you guys doing?
Hey!
I'm sorry, brother.
Brother. Being stabbed hurts.
I loved thee, brother!
I mean, you did--
You did stab me!
I just did it to kill you.
I-- I'm sorry.
Quite frankly,
I don't know how you
accidentally stab somebody.
Cough! Cough!
Dramatic!
-This is it, brother.
-Brother, I'm so sorry.
Do not let mom and dad go
through my search history
or the top left drawer
of my dresser.
No! No! No!
We've gone viral
like three times.
And that's supposed to, um,
support your argument?
Well, we're not asking
you to understand it.
'Cause you guys
are old as shit.
We just want you to respect it.
Dad, you make
videos for a living.
Let's go ahead and
see where it got us.
Unemployment ran out,
we lost our health insurance,
and we had to sell
Prism Pal vacuums
during the pandemic just
to provide for you.
So y'all like chocolate milk?
Oh, yeah. God bless.
I put vodka in mine.
-Amen.
-Taste like a little milkshake.
I was being sarcastic.
This jug is filled with
poo, dirt, hair--
I'd drink it for five bucks.
-He will, too!
-I will do it.
- He packs, and he loves bets.
- The whole thing.
And if I throw up,
it still counts.
-Can we get the good cup?
-Get the good cup.
-Watch out, girl.
-We're going-- We're going--
-Don't spill any.
-Oh, I heard a splash.
- You-- You're being serious.
- -You're gonna make a sale today, all right.
-Does it clean up blood?
-I'm sorry, sir?
Does that clean up blood?
Does it c-- Yes. Yes.
With the Breathing
Happy Cleaning Solution,
Prism Pal gets 99.9% of all
-airborne and contact bacteria.
-Mama, mama!
Hush, Willie Mae.
God likes a quiet woman.
Can I go in the backyard
and use my gun?
Maybe after supper.
Who'd y'all vote for?
-Say the right answer, and
we'll buy you a little vacuum.
-We really need the sale.
We voted for America.
You're goddamn right.
It's safe to say we have all
had a major identity crisis
this year,
and we are all frustrated.
Your father goes in to
donate bone marrow tomorrow,
-and it is a major surgery.
-Dad gets to use some bone
again.
-Great.
-I'm-- I'm sorry.
We don't-- We don't hear the bed
squeaking anymore.
Can you just do your homework,
and then once it's done,
we will send you
the daily password, okay?
Freddy, Mom's right.
Let's just go grab my knife so
- they can cut our nuts off, too.
- -Yeah, and then let's go to our
totally life-changing homework
so we don't end up selling
toasters in a loveless marriage.
Well, good. It looks like
we got through to them.
Come on, guys.
Give me a challenge.
Oh, wait.
What's this?
Putting a down payment
on a house?
Oh, and they haven't sent it?
20K? Oh, I'm gonna steal
your parents' shit.
Let's make a fetch
bank wire thing.
Woo! I'm gonna
steal all your shit.
Thunder Siege!
Open up a-for papa.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, this is just too easy.
Scorched earth.
A million eight
and left no crumbs.
Here I am,
about to be 20K richer,
'cause your stupid kids run
their stupid little mouths.
Send.
Hey, babe.
Hm? I'm in here.
Um, the email came in from Sarah
for the down payment.
Tight.
Tomorrow, the notary
arrives at 10 AM,
then we have
the inspector's bill.
Mark, are you listening?
-Clicky-click. Stealy-steal.
-Yeah.
Can you forward me the email?
Because they didn't CC me again.
Or Patrick Real Estate.
Like, this company sucks, dude.
Can nobody do their
job during COVID?
Huh? Oh, you want me
to do my job? Tentacles.
Hey, listen.
I know this has been tough,
but not everything
has to be a battle.
Right?
I'm sorry.
You wanna buy a house?
Let's buy a house.
Okay.
I triple-checked on my end.
Looks good to me.
Shall we send it together?
- Three.
- Oh, three.
Two.
One.
Sent.
We just bought a house.
We bought a house?
- We bought
a fucking house!
See? Money sent.
Not everyone is a slimy,
sleazy, miserable, worthless
pathetic pompous douchebag
with a pleasureless
micropeen purposefully
trying to ruin our life.
The type of criminal is what
we call a chameleon.
Always changing...
...stolen identities...
...multiple fraudulent
bank accounts.
His hacker name is
The Chameleon so--
so there's-- there's that--
that.
The two of us have been
tasked with finding
El Camalen
for the last three years.
I'm Lieutenant Lucia Luna
of Hillsborough County.
My name is Detective Don Dugas
and I'm a digital
forensic specialist.
El Camalen preys on people's
good hearts,
which makes him
a scum of the earth in my book.
During Hurricane Sally
I donated to a GoFundMe
to rescue animals, $40,000.
I'm gonna get that
son of a bitch.
He took 80k from my vet clinic.
Asshole.
It stated that we were
door-dashing to New York,
Ohio and LA.
Our vet clinic is here.
We're in Florida.
We haven't moved our vet clinic.
I'm gonna find you,
little fucker.
You wanna know what
happened to me?
I went to go reach
in my pocketbook.
My pocketbook was stolen.
Our router got hacked so we lost
access to all of our streaming.
Yeah, he literally just
walked in here dressed as one
of our doctors,
stole our clinic cat Figaro
expecting some kind of
reward later on
or something like that.
Joke's on him, though. That cat
is crawling with ringworms,
just like that dog.
What a beautiful day in
Clearwater Beach.
Time for some cereal.
Ugh, gross.
They can't see it.
Turn it. Turn it.
Cereal boxes can be a problem.
They expect a thin layer
of cardboard to keep, ke--
To keep out creatures such as...
And whatever this thing is.
- This stupid thing is
jammed.
- My leg! Oh!
Help me! Help me!
- Can you see yourself in the mirror?
- -No we're good.
Okay, then we're fine.
All right.
Hi. Freddy Rumble here.
Has this ever happened to you?
You're trying to make a nice
bowl of cereal in the comfort
of your own home when
you get attacked
by a demon manatee shark
who rips your arm off?
And what's worse?
It gets cereal-- It gets--
Fuck! It gets blood in
your favorite breakfast cereal?
Well, not anymore with
Dr. Donkey Balls
bloodproof cereal boxes.
Our cereal boxes are made to
withstand any amount of blood.
No blood at all will get
in our cereal boxes.
None at all.
Bloodless.
Can your cereal boxes do that?
I don't think so.
Our cereal boxes can.
Buy Dr. Donkey Balls
bloodproof cereal boxes.
God damn it.
-Did we get it? Is that good?
-Yeah, I think so.
What is going on?
Guys, what is all this?
Hi, Mark.
We're making a video.
I'm this manatee that like
turns into this werewolf.
Mm, don't you guys
have online school?
Today I learned in school that
the age of consent
in Florida is 16 to 24.
So we're basically good to go.
- Would you like to get married?
- Guys...
this camera
is very expensive.
I'm gonna take that please.
And these are my hero props
which cannot get wet
and the boys know this.
Dad, dad, dad, I'm telling you
we're being careful.
It's fine, okay?
Yeah, I think I can afford
a couple more bucks.
Are these sticks for sale?
Yes, yes they are.
-Um, go clean this up.
-Okay.
-Oh, uh, here you go.
-Oh, oh, yeah.
You know what, I trust you.
I'm really sorry about losing
my cool with the kids.
-It's just been a lot.
-Don't worry about it.
And don't be too rough on 'em.
They're good kids.
And they got a great dad
who would do anything for 'em.
Oh, this is yours.
Take good care of her.
I will. Thank you very much.
Oh, let me get the door for you.
Thank you.
My dad died.
Isn't that great?
Anyway,
Big Richard passed, so
now it's me, Little Dick.
He was your landlord,
now I'm your landlord
and I'm just here
to check in to see
if you can move out earlier
than three weeks.
We'll be out on the 21st.
Like I keep emailing
your company,
my wife has the contract
and everything.
Contract? Are--
Do you have it in your
possession, the contract?
My wife keeps
a copy of everything.
Damn it. Okay, son of a bitch.
Contract...
I'm way over my head
in a lot of different areas,
and I have a bit of a small
luck problem when it comes to my
gambling problem.
Sorry, we're kind of
in the middle of something.
Great, I wish you the best.
Do I know you?
No, I'm sure you don't.
You look so familiar.
Are you an influencer?
No, no, no. I'm from up north.
Up north, Tallahassee.
Um, if you need to get
a hold of me,
you can call me
on my cell phone, I'll--
or-- or just stop
by the nightclub
right down the street,
Stalactite.
Guano everywhere.
Real, not fake.
In a nightclub?
Fun for, like, ten minutes.
-Do you do drugs?
-Um...
- I'm not--
- Secret's safe
with me.
You son of a bitch.
Hey, I'll be back in
15 minutes to check
and see if you've
changed your mind.
I own this place too.
Isn't that crazy?
Did Dad give us
the wrong password?
'Cause I keep trying it
but it's not working.
I don't know. I'm still kind of
just living off our data
at the moment.
What's happening?
-Well, what is it?
-I clicked this link and now
all this weird stuff
is popping up on my phone, dude.
I-- I don't know.
I think we got hacked.
What the hell's happening?
-No, no, no, no.
You're messing with me.
-What?
No, d--
Ralph, all of our bullshit
homework is gone.
No, no, no. All of our videos
have been deleted.
How did this happen?
What do you mean?
-Look, look, look. I swear.
-Are you pranking me?
-Mom and dad are gonna
ground us for life. Ralph--
-I swear. Under oath.
Well, check your email again
because I sent it
- to LowerCase
- Yes, I have it all
right here.
-Title.
-Yes, LowerCase Title. Here we
go. Here it is.
Oh, no,
I think I found
some clarity for you.
See, the Sarah that works
for us is S-A-R-A, no H.
This email came from an
S-A-R-A-H.
With an H. It's fake.
Someone made up an email that
looked legit and tricked you.
It's been happening
a lot during COVID...
-You're not special.
-Um, we are first-time
homebuyers.
You didn't think
you should warn us?
Well, my scoutmaster taught me,
"My money, my responsibility."
It is the responsibility
of you, the homebuyer,
to double-check
everything before
you initiate the wire transfer.
We didn't notice the letter H
in the name Sarah,
and that's our fault?
Yeah, exactly.
You guys get it. Cool.
We have everything on here.
Dude--
Oh, God, no.
Freddy and Ralph Rumble.
Your digital lives are over.
Thunder Siege, Deadbolt,
Consensual Taco,
everything is mine.
You didn't just have your entire
life savings stolen, did you?
Fuck off!
Amy, there is no need
for such foul language.
But if that's
the way you want it,
if we don't get the money
by tomorrow,
you lose the house.
Sorry to stop the ride,
but this bullshit happened too.
All right, keep going.
Toodles.
Like, we literally can't afford
to have this happen.
-I paid the power bill.
-Wait, there was an address
on the transfer.
Yes, two, three, um.
Here it is, okay.
237 Overlook Drive,
Rob-- Rob Huberton?
All right, this is good.
We have a name and address.
The banks are going to help us.
Right, this is what they do.
You're right,
we're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be fine.
No, no, it took us years
to get Deadbolt.
All that hard work for nothing.
Brother, I have never
known anger like this.
Brother, we must enter battle.
We are going to kill him!
He took everything away from us.
- Bite Flix.
- He took Deadbolt.
We have watched every fucking
murder documentary
worth watching.
We know exactly what to do.
Freddy, grab the chemicals.
I'm gonna need a shit ton
of spray paint.
We all know I'm an expert
at drawing penises.
He's the Picasso of penis.
-Wait, Freddy, you drew that?
-Nobody else could.
If there were the Olympics
for drawing penises,
I would make Michael Phelps look
like a penis because I drew it
so expertly.
We cannot match
wrong with wrong.
That might be a fake
name and address.
And then we would just be
drawing penises,
as truly remarkable
- as they are, way to go, dude, -Like, that is an amazing penis.
- Really.
on a priest's house
or something.
-Wouldn't be the first time.
-You know what, Dad is right.
This is a very,
very real problem.
Okay, we're gonna call the cops,
then we're gonna call
the bank of the morning.
They said that if we don't
give them another 20K
by tomorrow,
then we lose the house.
-Can they do that?
-Yeah, I'm still here.
I didn't leave the meeting.
I just stopped video.
One thing about me,
I like to lurk.
Did you guys get
your money back?
All right.
Well, I'm never seeing
those losers again.
Okay, well...
shit, now what tonight?
Or this weekend, or--
Ooh, okay, I know
what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna steal from the LGBTQ
community and female filmmakers.
Like, it's not just the fact that we were robbed, you know?
Like...
...we were tricked,
like... I feel so stupid.
No, hey, "we." It's "we."
We both missed it, so...
Okay, well, you donate
bone marrow tomorrow
and I start my work back up.
Like, we don't have
any time to fight this.
I know, I know, I'll...
sell the rest of my gear.
Or maybe we get--
no one's gonna give us a loan.
I don't know, I--
I'm being a downer.
No, like-- Just--
I know...
I mean, we--
Like, we paid
our dues, you know?
We did everything right.
I just--
Like, they stole our
damn Prism Pal money.
They did that.
I know.
Oh, man.
This is bad.
And you need to sell
one more of these
to get a new home or something?
Yeah, we just need...
...one more sale and then we can
finally afford a house.
Okay, I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do for you, kid.
I'm gonna buy two, because
I'll put one in this room
and one for the room where
I watch the hockey games.
-It'd be great.
-Are you serious?
Life is not a bowl of cherries,
you know that.
It's crap sometimes,
it really is.
You go--
you're ups and downs, man.
I'm happy to do this for you
and it better work.
It will, it will. You're like
the first nice per--
-Thank you.
-Good luck to you and
good luck to your wife.
This means the world.
Thank you, Phil.
You got it.
Go buy your goddarn house.
- You got it, Phil,
thanks, man.
Appreciate it, appreciate it.
I promise...
...it's only gonna hurt a lot.
How long have you
been down here?
I'm not gonna apologize.
-BS!
-And...
...to start off this video
I'm gonna ask you a question.
Do you like Red Vines
or Twizzlers?
I gotta say Red Vines.
- High five.
- Okay.
Sorry if it's
a little blurry,
but it should say...
And it's backwards
because, um...
You ready, hon?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Looks like we
got your records...
Ralph and Freddy.
You little shits.
Alright,
I wanna check what you got.
-What's that, Ralph?
-Oh...
I think I'm getting notes of...
...little bitch!
Let's see what
you got, Freddy, huh?
What you got?
Oh...
I own your lives.
I'm the one and the only,
Pound Sanders, co-founder of
Consensual Taco.
-I am Sin-uh-bun, and...
-Mmm.
I am an actress.
-The best actress. The best.
-The best actress.
-I mean, who does, right?
-Nobody knows.
All I know is he's
a son of a bitch.
He slides, like,
right into my DMs,
and they
took a bunch of money from me.
- Yes, please, thanks, babes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chameleon made me feel like
I never really felt before.
I'd stomp the
living shit out of them.
Well, we'd film it.
-Yeah, we would totally film it.
-Of course.
Right? That would--
Make some money off of it.
A shit ton of money.
Freaking Chameleon?
This is for you.
Don't trust anybody
in your DMs.
-Babes.
-Yeah? Mm.
Did you check who
these people are?
-No.
-Could they--
Could they be the...
I think you have a point, baby.
Who are you?
-Who are you?
-What--
He's not looking at us.
This interview's over.
Sorry. I'm a teensy bit late.
We've been waiting three hours.
We?
Mark, get up. Get up.
Mm-hmm. I'm awake.
It was easier for me
to wait down there.
Did you get shot in the ass?
No, I, um,
donated bone marrow to
potentially save an
eight-year-old's life.
Oh.
I thought it was gonna
be a cool story.
The chance of you getting
your money back is-- it's 5%.
-What?
-70 million people
got hacked in 2020 alone.
Bad guys almost
always get away with it.
But you guys clicked the link
when we texted you
asking if it was you.
So it's our fault
for being tricked?
Yes, exactly.
Dude, I didn't even
get her number.
Uh, looks like
this transfer shouldn't
have been approved.
Whoopsies.
Yeah, so like, totally give us
our money back.
Oh, unfortunately it
doesn't work that way.
-I don't wanna fight anymore.
-Twenty times that...
- No, you're right, it's nothing.
-And if I'm worked up, it's
-because my homo-goblin went...
-Okay, it's-- Babe.
- What?
- It's hemoglobin.
Thank you for interrupting me
and correcting me.
It's my favorite
when she does that.
-Right.
-And this is how it starts.
Being hacked can really change
the way you view the world
and the systems that were
meant to protect you.
If anyone knows
how you feel... it's us.
Yeah, we have some really dope
documentaries about people
getting tricked and having
their lives totally ruined.
You should really
check those out.
Hey, Adelina, you've solved
our problem completely.
Can I please get your number?
Oh, Mark and Amy are like,
"Yeah, we're stupid
and we'll just approve
our transaction
and not look at our emails."
Then your money's gone.
So it's our fault
for being hacked?
Yeah, exactly. Cool.
So, Mr. Muscles--
I'm so sorry. That--
That was my pet name for--
Is my pet name for my--
my husband-- My ex--
See, I don't even know
how to refer to us anymore.
-I--
-I'm so sorry.
This is so unprofessional.
Don't--
don't start with the poetry.
The love that once burned
bright for one another
hath been doused by
our Hacker's misdeeds.
Hey, bite him... Bite, bite,
bite.
That is so hot.
We searched for another light.
Alas.
So now you, not us,
you have to prove that
it's not buyer's remorse.
I'm gonna freeze
the account for now,
place the money
in a Fetch holding,
we conduct our investigation,
should take a few months
to sort all this out.
Wait, wait, hold on. We don't--
we don't have a few months.
When I say months,
I really mean never.
Even with the strong arms
of the law,
we couldn't find our Hacker.
So there's really nothing
you guys can do for us.
Some stupid-ass bullshit.
We have scary lawyers
and time on our side.
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
No, you're a lifesaver, Doug.
Thank you, sir.
Y'all have a blessed day.
Dude, why can't everything
be this easy?
That was actually super easy.
That was him again, wasn't it?
Can you see me?
Uh, no, you're good.
Hi, Freddy Rumble here.
Has this ever happened to you?
You think someone
look like one thing,
but then they actually turn out
to be a chameleon.
My people will rule
your pathetic--
Your people won't rule shit
when I have a magic wand.
No!
Looks like that chameleon...
...is chamale-off.
Hey, Ralph.
Yeah?
I think we might be responsible
for some of this.
Yeah.
Well, this doesn't appear
to be a good situation.
Storage unit is full.
You two are lifesavers. Boys.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, Mom, I can--
- Oh, my gosh, Kate!
-No! Are you okay?
-Yeah.
No, you could have
seriously hurt yourself.
Don't be doing
that kind of stuff.
This could go out the top,
so it's like--
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Cash away.
-No cash.
-Yeah, we're happy to help.
Nova, can you make sure
the car is locked?
-It is locked.
-No, can you make sure
the car is locked?
-You have the keys.
-Here you go.
-Okay, I'ma-- I'm sorry.
-Bye, toodles!
Bye, honey.
Boys, can you help me
bring in the important stuff?
I don't trust anything
in the car.
-Why can't Dad do it?
-Yeah, why can't Dad just do it?
Yeah, why can't Dad help,
lazy bag of bones?
Because he's already
done too much,
and I gave him double
the pain pills
so he can take a coma nap.
Comas are my favorite.
Oh, Jesus.
Right...
Which one of you is,
um... Marshall?
Put your hand back down.
I think you have the wrong room.
Uh, leave. Exit.
Yeah. Thank you.
Beautiful woman.
Thank you.
I'm gonna make an executive
decision, okay?
You are gonna take a nap
with your husband,
and you're gonna enjoy it.
Uh, I know you have
work tonight.
The Halloween party, the boys
can hang out with us tonight.
- Boobs. I mean, tits.
- Hell yeah.
Oh, my God, honestly, a nap
sounds so nice right now.
- Yeah.
- Um...
if they start
humping your leg,
you have permission
to kick them hard.
-No, they're harmless.
-So I can hump your leg?
- Good night, boys.
- Playtime outside.
- Yay!
-I hid a ball somewhere out there.
Who can find it first?
Yeah, Freddy, you love balls.
I'm totally comfortable
with tasteful nudity.
-Just if the script calls for--
-Freddy, I swear to God.
Go to the car. I left
something in the motel room.
- She touched me.
- Dude, she definitely likes you.
I'm telling you, she's into you.
Have you seen how well, like,
you can get girls?
Dude, I'm telling--
Listen, there is precious
little time to explain.
I'm not a babysitter. I'm CIA.
Oh, my gosh, this is hot.
We have been deep
undercover for years
trying to track down
this sick puppy,
not getting so much as a whiff.
We?
I'm her superior officer.
You're looking at the best
undercover agent
the CIA has got.
Ho-- How is this possible?
I have...
So even though I look 14,
I'm really a...
The Chameleon has been making
our lives hell for years.
God, you two are the only ones
to be able to sniff him out.
And I pray to God that you have
another trick up your sleeves.
Except this time,
you have the full support
of the United States government.
So please, for the love
of all humankind,
tell me you have some
sort of plan of attack.
Hell yeah, we do.
Rob Zamo is trickery
and misdirection.
We have to beat him
at his own game.
We dress up in Prism Pal polos,
so we look like salespeople,
but we're actually
revenge-filled karma people.
Yeah, but he lives
in a gated community.
Security cameras galore.
Even the CIA
can't get past those
neighborhood security guards.
Okay, but Prism Pal customers
schedule in-home demonstrations.
So if we make a request
in his name,
the guard has to let us in.
If not, I'll shoot him.
Collateral damage
is to be expected.
-Hell yeah.
-I just don't see him letting
-two teenage boys
into his house.
-Why not?
You're five foot nothing with
the voice of a dying pigeon.
Hey!
Hey.
And you, you look
like Ugly Hagrid.
This is so us.
This is why I love you.
It could work if we put
a mask...
-Cover their faces.
-...or something.
Cover it all.
-So you would go--
-Stop resisting!
I am sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's programming. Programming.
Looks like I'm gonna
have to do all the talking.
Break it down.
In theory, once these
two are mixed together
and then in the air, it should
just knock him out.
How do we know if it works?
I'm two steps ahead of you,
Kate.
I have no idea if this is safe.
Great.
I'll do it. If I die,
that'll, like, totally suck.
But... hopefully,
I just fall asleep.
So... put it on before
I change my mind.
Guys, this is a lot of pressure.
She's gone.
She died for her country.
I'm just kidding.
She's not dead.
- So hot!
- Don't be so funny.
-Shut up! Get back to work!
-Yep.
-Sorry, ma'am.
-Okay, yep.
- Shit.
- -Not much of a visor guy, but I can pull this off.
Hey. Chill out.
Dad's... asleep.
We don't want him to wake up.
What size is that?
-I'll just be quiet.
-I think it's really cool.
Hey, boys. Shh.
Come here.
Take a knee.
I owe you boys an apology.
For what?
Your videos are
so insane and unique
and a lot of people aren't gonna
understand them.
But they don't matter.
Because a lot of people will.
Art is good.
And when you put good into
the world, it comes back.
Don't let anybody stop you
from making your videos.
Myself included.
I am really proud of you two.
Go on.
Tis your time.
Hi, good afternoon.
What's good about it?
Um, we're here to see
Rob Huberton
for a scheduled Prism Pal demo.
-Name?
-Jody Zisimopoulos.
-It's with a Z and an X.
-Not on the list.
Um, maybe it's under Prism Pal.
You're not on the list...
you're not getting in.
Bunch of cruddy kids,
dirty polo t-shirts.
Just slowly back out of my line.
Have a nice day, all right?
Hey, you're a Tom Brady fan.
Ye--
Hello?
Of course I'm a Tom Brady fan.
The man who led the Bucs
to the Super Bowl
his first year with the team.
Brought all his guys
down to Florida
for a good time for a party.
- Right?
- -Took my dad to the game.
We cried like babies
when they won, okay?
I love Tom Brady.
Sir, my grandma is sick
in the hospital.
And we need one more sale
to afford her surgery.
The city of Tampa believed
in Tom Brady.
And I believe that you can
be our hero today.
All it takes is one man
in the face of adversity...
...to open the gates to destiny.
Kid...
...you changed me today.
For me, being a hall monitor
in school until now,
I spent my entire life hoarding
my gatekeeping powers
over anybody who was gonna
walk through a threshold
that I was sworn to protect.
Now I need you to save
your precious meemaw.
And she's gonna ask
what happened today.
And you all tell her,
security guy Jeremy,
he's the one that
gave you that key.
Go Bucs.
Go Bucs.
Go Bucs.
Go Bucs.
I shall find cover
behind the enemy and
wait for the signal.
Fail... we shall not.
Brother, this is our destiny.
Go on.
Tis your time.
I have 20 "No Soliciting"
signs. Fuck off.
Hi.
We're-- We're not solicitors.
We're actually here for your
scheduled Prism Pal demo.
I didn't schedule anything.
Really? Well, we have it
right here on
this little tablet.
Ta-- Where's--
Where's the tablet?
Oh, I don't-- I don't know.
What do you mean
you don't know where?
-I don't know.
-That has 200 people's
-personal information.
-Let me look!
Brian, you cannot
lose that tablet.
-Stop pressuring me.
-It's not even password
protected.
Okay.
Can you stop shouting?
I found the tablet with
200 people's names on it.
Yo, welcome to the party crib.
Come on in. You can set-up
your shit up in there,
but that's off limits.
And-- and shoes off 'cause
I'm not a scrub, so... you know.
Hey, and sorry for the mess.
I was up last night raging.
Oh, that's cool.
- I'm Owen Collinson.
- Owen Collinson.
Wow, it is so wonderful
to meet you.
My name is Jody.
This is my associate, Brian.
-Hi.
-Yeah, hey, you don't need
to wear those
bullshit masks in here.
-You know they
don't do anything, right?
-Oh, totally.
Our company makes us, though.
-You single?
-Vaxed and waxed.
Hell yeah.
Everyone loves a slip and slide
more than rolling around
in the crab grass.
You feel me, Brian?
Yeah, you know what
I'm talking about.
All right, stud.
Class is in session.
-Listen to the teacher.
-Well, wait,
don't I need to, like,
put my info in--
in the tablet there?
Please hold all questions until
the end of the presentation.
Thank you so much.
Prism Pal has four settings.
-Level one...
-Oh-hoh!
...it traps airborne dust
and water straight
from your faucet
instead of in a dry HEPA filter
like in your vacuum.
Oh, man, this shit rips.
Can I smoke out of this thing?
Level two,
with our
"breathing happy" solution,
-it eliminates odors and kills
-Woah.
99% of all airborne germs.
Are you feeling all right?
Um...
Here's level three.
Hi, Rob Huberton.
You will never hack again!
Ah, you bitch!
Oop.
Are you feeling all right, sir?
Come on, search him.
Guys, how long do you think
he's going to be out?
Phase one complete.
Come on,
let's balance the scales.
Why is this fake?
Oh, do you guys smell that?
- What is that?
- Did you fart?
- What? No. What--
- What are you--
Oh, I feel something
slippery down here.
- What is that? It's just--
- Oh, it's all slimy.
Ew.
-Oh! Oh, God!
-What? What!
-What is that?
-Oh, my God,
he pooped his pants.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, dude, no way.
Oh, my God,
why does it smell like that?
We ought to keep searching.
Guys, wait, there's keys.
-No. Stop.
-Hey, we got his car keys.
-Stop, stop. What is--
-Oh!
-Don't throw that at me!
-Stop throwing shit!
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
- Ugh! Get it off me!
- You got it on my shirt.
-Oh!
-Oh, my God. Stop touching him!
- Wait, but that's
more--
- Oh, shut up.
- You better not throw that at me, Freddy.
-Guys.
Guys, it's okay.
There's nothing on it.
- It doesn't have shit on it,
look.
Oh, God, it's on the back!
How the fuck are we
getting him outside, guys?
Get him downstairs
super quiet and sneaky.
I want a clean job here.
Ugh... God.
What the fuck, come help!
Jesus Christ!
The trunk.
The trunk. The trunk.
Okay, the trunk.
Let-- The trunk, throw him in.
Can you tell us
your name and what happened?
My name is Kari Rosbeck,
president and CEO
of the TSC Alliance.
Tuberous sclerosis complex,
TSC, is a rare genetic disorder
that causes tumors
to grow throughout the body.
Our mission is to...
Last year, the creators
of Thunder Siege,
the biggest video game
in the world,
donated a one-of-a-kind replica
of a weapon
called Deadbolt for our
annual fundraiser,
which we were so excited
to have in our live auction
because we knew
it would raise a lot of money,
a lot of excitement,
and really drive the success
of the entire event.
Sadly, someone dressed up
as a janitor tricked us
and stole it before the event.
I'm sorry. I just--
I need a minute.
It's alright. Cut, cut.
Dude, there's hard drives.
This could have
our family's money on it.
I don't know.
This looks important, though.
- Dude.
- What?
- Is this legit?
- No way!
This is legit UNDEROATH gear.
This is the guitar
from Jannus Landing.
You know the one
that was stolen?
The one that our
show got canceled for?
Uh-huh.
They couldn't do the show 'cause
everything was stolen from the
backstage the night before.
Wait, they found our gear?
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, can we--
can we have it back?
Who in their right mind
is going to steal something
just because they like it
and think it looks cool?
I would never do that.
Hey, dude, look out the window.
Which-- uh--
We're gonna steal the
ever-living shit out of that.
I had no doubt in my mind.
Wait, wait, wait.
-Brother.
-What?
We gotta bless this quest.
No, you're right, you're right.
Before time was time,
or space was space,
'twas written in stone that
you...
Would keep us safe.
Go on.
-Tis your time.
-Thou would allow me?
A youngling.
Youngling. Tis not a jest.
And this guitar
is also really heavy.
-Oh, dude, no, no. You're right.
-So it's just one of those
things.
-Yeah.
-I don't want to have to carry
two things at once or else.
-Okay, I'll-- I-- I got that.
-Just be careful.
All right, yeah, go for it.
You guys found Deadbolt?
You know Deadbolt?
...you fucking piece of shit!
Ah! Ah! Whoa--
- Kate?
- Mommy!
- Mom, you had a revenge plot too?
- -Oh, my god.
-Yeah.
-This is a wonderful twist.
You look really hot.
Hello, friends.
Have you seen my daddy?
Oh, no.
Daddy's my hero.
I love him so much.
Hold on, does he have kids?
He would do anything for us.
He says so every day
before church.
Right?
-Yeah.
-If they went missing...
Kids go missing all the time.
She is right,
kids do go missing.
Kids go missing all the time.
He says he'll be able
to afford
my medicine soon.
COVID has just been tough
on him lately.
Are you bitches
gonna say anything?
No, we're just kidding.
Our hacker doesn't have kids.
-Where's Rob?
-In the car, knocked out,
tied up.
But the house is clean, no DNA,
'cause we did
use the Prism Pal.
-Um, and he shit his pants.
-Okay.
But we're good to go.
Like, we washed his ass.
Wonderful!
And I can confirm, as a
former Prism Pal employee,
- that is exactly how DNA works.
- Right?
No one will ever know
we were here.
Especially the CIA.
- Oh, my God.
- Wha-- What?
We found your shrine with all
the names of your victims.
We are going to go one by one
and make sure everyone gets
every dollar back plus interest.
-Asshole.
-And whatever's left over,
gets donated to charity.
Oh, no... Oh.
Oh, you guys have my phone
and my thumbprint too.
No, you-- you're gonna need
my...
Hey, and guess what?
Three failed attempts,
you're locked out forever.
Not even I
can get back in. I don't write
any of this shit down.
It's all in my head. So good
luck getting that out of me--
Hey, what the f--
Hey, I'm not-- I'm not
- done, okay? Hey!
- Shh!
Can you-- I-- I wasn't done.
- Wow, it's hotter than Gainesville in there.
- -Wow.
That was a really detailed
-explanation of what
we need to do.
-Yeah.
Yes, voice, face, 2FA.
We could torture them to get all
that information out, right?
-That's a good idea.
-Well, boys, you guys are
still kids, okay?
I have to think about
your future after all.
So let's leave the torture
to the professionals.
-What? Come on.
-I...
Hey, your mom's right, okay?
I did two years of
torture school.
There's a little
science behind it.
We deserve to torture too.
He wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for us.
Okay, what if you
kill this guy, huh?
That is it,
your life's are over.
This isn't your video games.
This isn't some magic wand
thing where poof.
Ho, ho, ho.
- Santa!
- I love that guy!
Hey Mark. It's Betty from
Fetch Bank.
And Marshall, motherfucker.
Come on, babe.
Tell him the good news.
-Oh, my God.
-Wait, wait, you guys have good
news for me?
No, bad for you, good for us.
Your case is now formally closed
to Fetch Bank
and the money has been absorbed.
Yay!
Wait, I--
I have police reports.
- Subpoenas,
a judge signed off on...
- You should have paid attention
to Sara's name.
In this culture, I'd hate to be
the guy who didn't know the name
-of a woman he's doing
business with.
-Yeah. Mmm.
Gosh, golly darn.
I just-- I wish there was
something us
powerful banks could do,
you know?
Other than create competing
divisions of wire fraud
that ultimately start to
confuse you to the
point of repeated
mental breakdown.
- Are you kidding me?
- -Yeah, that's what happens every fucking time.
42 minutes and 40 seconds.
Just stop.
An hour and 20 minutes.
What am I supposed to do?
- This is my life.
This is all I do.
I'm just on hold with you guys.
They did it again.
Two hours,
29 minutes, 34 seconds.
And in the end,
we keep your money.
House always wins.
So frustrating.
You guys can't do this.
Oh, sure we can.
It's already done.
-Past tense.
-This is my money.
Take a look at the dust.
No, sweetie, we went over this.
-It was your money.
-Mm-hmm.
-You sent it, yeah?
-You, that's who.
You did this, remember?
He forgot.
Oh, look how pathetic you are.
- Mm. So pathetic.
- Look at this guy.
-Drunk on his own ineptitude.
-Poor baby.
Put his family up
in a meth hotel.
Bleeding out of his
backdoor fun hall.
This is what you get when
you make bad decisions.
Maybe they'll make
a Lifetime movie out of this.
Yeah!
Are you Marshall?
Yeah.
Betty?
- Oh, my gosh!
- Mwah, mwah!
Looks like you're
all out of options.
Happy Halloween.
Where's all the laptops?
Dang it!
Where's all the--
where's all the tech shit?
Dang.
Piece of shit.
Motherfu--
God, I'm such an idiot.
I forgot it was your week off.
I should have called you
on the snow cone phone.
Oh, don't worry,
that's all right.
So, Santa, you live
in a mattress store?
Ah, please, just, uh,
call me Chris.
I'm off duty now.
Nobody ever goes
in a mattress store.
And they're on every corner.
It's the perfect cover.
Hey!
Oh, good, you're awake.
-Oh, hi, Chrissy.
-Hello!
What is happening?
Hey, who said you could talk?
Guys, you can't just torture him
and then not invite me.
- What the fuck?
- Ah! Oh!
Uh, not to steer the sleigh,
- but maybe we can talk about
- Hey!
ground rules over
cookies and beer
in Santa's happy
Florida man cave.
Wait, Mom, can we please have
our very first beer with Santa?
'Cause we've definitely never,
ever, ever had a beer before.
Please let us have
our first beer with Santa.
Please.
Fine, one beer.
- You're sharing it.
- Yes!
So what beer are we
drinking first, Santa?
I love you, Santa.
Welcome to Santa's
happy Florida man cave.
Ho, ho, ho, come on in.
Enjoy. We've got all sorts of
food, drink, you name it.
We've got Frenchy's
from Clearwater,
best grouper sandwiches
on the planet.
And if you want to wash it down
with the best beer in the world,
we've got a magic beer keg that
will pour whatever beer
you ask it.
And after a hard day
making toys,
a victory cigar.
J.C. Newman cigars,
best cigar on the planet.
Santa, can we please
smoke with you?
-Oh, my God. Yes, please!
-Of course.
Okay, so let me
get this straight.
So Santa's real and
you guys are CIA, huh?
- Yeah.
- Are aliens real too?
Yeah. Yeah.
We actually admitted it once
the UFO videos got leaked,
but, uh, no one cared
about my life's work.
- You guys remember that?
- Down the drain.
- What was that?
- Santa?
There was a press conference
and everything.
Like, I think--
does anybody care?
I think aliens are real.
I bet they didn't think
I had another
phone crammed up my ass.
I'm The Chameleon, man. Come on.
No, that's the duct tape.
-Santa, Jesus Christ!
-Oh, my God!
No, that's-- that's my keys.
Chug, chug, chug!
Hey, you're gonna be the
godfather
of my children,
when I have 'em.
Let's not get, uh...
Here we go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everyone likes their own brand.
Nine, one, one.
Babe? Babe?
It's Magic Marsh,
it's your Betty Boo.
Hello?
Where'd you go?
Uh- Yes, hi, I-- yeah.
Yes, hi, hi. I--
Yeah, I-- I've been kidnapped.
Okay, please send--
send some help.
Who is this?
Psst.
Wee! Torture time!
Boys, that's enough
torture for now. Thank you.
You thought we would
leave you alone in here?
You're under 24/7 surveillance.
Oh, look at that.
Now your burner phone...
- Don't--
- ...is destroyed.
Whoa, guys.
Now this, this is cool.
Sorry, I saw your post where
you guys were, like, drinking
and smoking with Nova
and this guy.
And I was like, "Ugh,
what are they doing?"
But now I get it.
You're making your video.
You guys really took our heart
to heart and ran with it, huh?
That's great.
Sorry, hey, nice to meet you.
I'm Mark.
Are you from Craigslist?
Help me, man. They kid--
They kidnapped me and they're--
-They tased me.
-Got it, method actor.
-No--
-Hell yeah.
This guy is a really good actor.
It's too late now.
He's already seen...
...your face, honey,
so it doesn't--
it really
doesn't matter anymore.
Babe, this is Rob the Hacker.
- Ooh.
- So it's you,
Rob the Hacker, Huberton.
That's The Chameleon
to you, Santa.
- Oh, you guys are still rolling?
I'll--
Babe, this is real.
It's him. We got our hacker.
Wait, guys, you did all this?
-Babe.
-You leaked our UFO videos.
- You ruined our digital lives.
- -You took Deadbolt.
Wait, you're--
You're those kids.
Uh, no, actually, I'm 48, so...
You're trying to ruin
Christmas again.
- This fucking ship
is going down.
- Bubbles!
-Chris, we're losing presents left and right.
That damn Chameleon.
This is his doing.
Bubbles, you're the
best elf I ever had.
-Me the best?
-We need someone to save
Christmas.
Bubbles, it's up to you.
It's a suicide mission, but
you've gotta do it, Bubbles.
You've gotta do it.
It's Christmas.
-Dad!
-Wh-- Don't get weird.
Get back there
and take care of it.
Do it now.
It's an honor to be
at your service, Chris.
-Yes.
-I got this!
Christmas can be saved.
Bubbles!
I remember the pain.
Each and every person felt...
their holidays ruined
because they couldn't afford--
Couldn't--
Excuse me.
- Oh, hey, hey.
Give him some room.
Yep. Give him some space.
Why is it so loud?
Okay. All right, he's fine.
He's fine.
He got it out,
out of his system.
He's done.
He's better now.
You miserable bitch.
I'm gonna kill you.
Oh, oh, okay.
All right.
How is that much in his body?
Oh-- There it goes.
Okay, all right.
He's just upset.
He's upset.
He's got a great arm.
Great arm. Great arm.
Oh, every year
Rob manages to ruin
the spirit of giving
with his dirty tricks,
one broken heart after another.
Y--
I didn't want to scare you all,
but as of right now...
...there's not gonna be
a Christmas for anyone.
-What?
-No!
-Yes!
-No!
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes. Really.
- No!
The database
for naughty and nice...
...was wiped clean by someone.
-Yeah, and guess what, Chris?
-Hm?
I'm just getting started.
You hacked Santa?
He is Santa's problem now.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
You son of a bitch!
Okay.
This slippery suckerfish
is always two steps ahead of me.
A new name, fake address.
But now you've
fallen into my lap.
Is Santa gonna help us
torture this guy?
Oh, you bet your gumdrops I am.
-Hell yeah, Santa!
-Oh, come on, Chris,
you're a long way
from the North Pole.
- Oh!
-You're in the swamp now, don't get bit.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Oh, wo--
Oh... interesting.
Well.
Is Santa kinda hot?
- Right, Santa's really hot,
come on, Santa.
- Sing and talk!
- Hell yeah!
- Wow, come on, go torture on him.
- -Good, yeah, good.
You see this candy cane?
What?
This candy cane...
...was forged...
...so that if any kid
accidentally saw me on
Christmas Eve,
I could just wave it...
...and create a new
reality for them.
Go back in time,
preserve... the magic.
Dude, it's like a magic wand.
Like-- like if he were to die,
it could bring him back to life.
Respawn, it's like
a real-life video game.
Ah, it used to be so easy.
There would only be about
five people that got presents.
Now it's closer to five billion.
What is that sound?
Oh, my God.
We got a head start
for you, Santa.
Drink poison,
you piece of shit.
No, no, stop, no!
Stop it, stop, stop.
Oh- my God-- okay, okay, okay.
-He's okay, he's okay.
-Oh, my God.
- I think he's bleeding.
- He's okay.
-No pulse. Um...
-Oh, gosh.
Yeah, he's dead.
-Son of a bitch, Ralph.
-What?
What, you don't think that
anybody else wanted a turn?
No one else wanted to stab him?
I am sorry, sir.
I raised them better
than-- no, no, no.
You guys say
you're sorry to Santa.
-Uh-- Sorry, Santa.
-Sorry, Santa.
Oh, no, no, boys, it's fine.
I'll just go back to the
North Pole and fuck myself.
Mark, that is not why I'm upset.
You just murdered someone.
- No one's gonna help us.
- -Exactly.
He's gonna keep
stealing from people.
- No one's gonna stop him, listen.
- -Hey, hey, hey.
- He's taken... banks,
tax-fraud people.
- Banks.
- Title companies.
- Fucking Santa Claus.
We have to take this into
our own hands, Dad.
You know that.
So-- So you just throw
away your lives?
Dad, you told me
to get my hands dirty.
- Look-- what?
- Not-- not with blood.
-Not with blood.
-It's a little bit of blood.
-We have to solve this problem.
-Oh, God, he's alive.
- He's still alive.Oh!
- Oh.
- Ralph, come on. Okay.
- I'm trying, Dad,
it's stuck.
Listen, we're not just
doing it for us.
We're doing it for them.
-So you two commit murder?
-Yes.
You guys, hi,
I do need to collect
his organs before
his body gets cold.
Whoosh.
Oh, God. Hell is real.
-Hell is real. Oh, my God.
-Yes!
-The demons, the screams.
-Sorry, that, um-- that can
-bring him back to life?
-What the fuck?
- Okay. Yes.
- You killed me.
Oh, you know, I'm definitely
not the Zodiac Killer.
Definitely.
I never accidentally killed
a lot of people over
a lot of time, and
then had
to bring a lot of them
back with new realities,
but... I guess.
Wait, wait, Mom, you didn't know
that it could bring him
back to life?
- I mean,
- Don't... you...
...ever do that
to your mother again.
-That scared the shit out of me.
-Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
- Give your mother a heart attack.
- -Dude, I have an idea.
We can make money off this.
Yes, dude,
we can make it in a movie.
- I got an idea.
- Yeah?
Oh, I just want it
to be included.
-Cool.
-I actually do have a good idea.
So why don't we-- we're going to
be torturing him anyways, right?
- Yeah.
-So why don't we just put it on film and then
we could sell it and make
so much money, dude?
You know what?
I have an idea. Give up.
I've got an idea. Shut up.
-Oh! That's awesome.
-Oh, my God, that's a good idea.
-Look at that, look at that.
-Dad.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Dad, we want you
to make a video with us.
-Oh, yeah, please?
-Aw, come on, boys.
-That's cute.
-Yeah, that is.
Our boys may be
failing online school,
-Yeah.
-but you sure are street smart.
Um...
I can't-- well,
I already sold
the rest of my gears. So I'm--
Yeah, not so fast.
I have all the gear here.
- What?
- I'm the guy who
bought it
from you earlier this month.
-No!
-I'm from up North.
Up North, Tallahassee.
I used this candy cane to
make me look like someone else,
but I was really Santa
the whole time.
No way.
-You look nothing like--
-Nothing like that!
-That guy had a hat!
-Phew! Oh!
Hey, Rob, hey, Rob,
look at me, buddy.
We're killing you
a million times over.
It's a Halloween miracle.
Boys, come here,
come here, boys.
Yeah, get over there,
get over there.
Happy Halloween.
Yes, indeed.
Now, who's ready
to make some magic?
- Dad, you rolling?
- Good to go, son.
- Here we go, here we go.
- Bam, bam, bam.
Yes, on sound, on camera,
on lights and on props.
Let's start with the bleeding
and hope it won't stop.
Hi, Freddy Rumble here.
Have you ever been hacked
by an evil douchebag?
So you kidnap him
and the CIA, your parents,
and Santa Claus help
show up to torture him?
Well, then I've got the thing
for you...
I'll never give up.
Whoosh!
Tic-tac-toe, take three.
-There you go. I win.
-Yeah!
Fine, best out of seven.
Witches brew, take 68.
Give us the codes!
Picasso O' Penis, take 13.
Wait, do a Spanish accent.
Picasso O' Penis, take 13.
That penis is miraculous.
This is better than
anything Banksy has ever done.
I did it.
I'm so proud of you, dude.
This one's for you, grandpa.
What the--
You gotta be kidding me.
Happy Hallo--
Hockeyween, take 17.
Oh, I broke your toe.
Password, passwords!
You suck at hockey!
No, no, no--
Okay, whoosh.
What's the password, bud?
Yeah, yeah,
the password is "The Lightning
is a terrible hockey team."
Knock, knock,
that's right, cheese graters.
They're not all,
um, made the same.
Some are made to shred...
Mozzarella cheese.
Good old Gouda cheese.
Fancy European cheese.
Parmesano cheese.
And evil hacking
douchebag
piece of shit skin cheese.
Look at it just
glide right off.
Just little bits of skin.
Hair and nails.
Could this cheese
get any greater?
I wish I had a bowl
of pasta right now.
What's that smell?
No, it's not your
mama's skin, it's--
it's this hacker's
piece of shit skin.
Any mom would kill
for this cheese grater.
No! Oh, God!
- No!
- Oh...
Yes, dude,
I cannot wait to chop--
Mmm... We gotta earn it.
It's too early, it's too early,
bring it back.
- You never let us do anything fun.
- -Let's go...
-You gotta earn it.
-Let's get ready to rumble.
Round four.
On the right,
he is 155 pounds of man meat,
five six of terror.
He's the heartthrob any teacher
in Florida would go to jail for.
He is Ralph Rumble!
Coming in on the left,
Kim Kardashian's low life,
this piece of shit.
Where are you, Ralph? I hacked
your life, you little bitch.
Whoosh.
Round 12.
If you blink first,
Whoosh.
What? No, mom, stop.
Okay.
He's a passionate man.
A romantic man.
A man with
a good digestive system.
He's a lover, he's a fighter,
and most of all,
he's my brother, Ralph Rumble.
He knows how to play
two songs on the piano.
He's my best friend,
apart from my porn accounts.
Hide your kids!
Hide your wives!
For my brother,
Ralph fucking Rumble!
- Dad,
do I really have--
- Just--
Can you just do the thing?
Whoosh.
Alright, Rob, Rob,
are we getting
the codes or what?
No.
Get him!
Yeah!
Oh, okay.
Oh!
God, that looked painful.
Hey, answer the passcodes.
-Give us the codes.
-And everything stops.
Give us the password, Rob.
- Hey, Rob. Hey, Santa.
- Hey, Mom.
Okay, can we just like pause
for a second here, guys?
Can we just have like a--
like a-- just a human moment
for, like, ten seconds here
before you go
back to killing me?
Please? You guys are mad.
Yeah, you're mad.
I get it.
But you're not mad at me.
You're mad at the system.
Interest rates,
credit cards, all that shit.
Yeah, that's-- that's for--
against people like us.
They're the problem. They should
be the ones in this chair.
Okay, so what, so I'm the--
I'm the bad guy
for finding loopholes?
You guys are the one that
kidnapped me and tortured me
and killed me 500 times.
Yeah, and it's gonna be 501.
- Fuck.
- -Can you boys help me with some groceries, please?
Oh, I got Pub Subs.
Did you bring
the sharp, unripe pineapple
-I asked for?
-I sure did.
Good.
We all know where that's going,
don't we, Rob?
You guys are waterboarding
again without me.
Oh, no, Dad. It's fine.
We're all taking turns.
I'm just using
our dirty toilet water.
I haven't even added the
lemon or the chili flakes
-or whatever else sounds cool.
- Was that the passcode?
- Say it again.
Yeah, yeah, no, no,
say it again.
Like--
You know, like-- like boobs,
but just with an extra o in the
middle like-- like three boobs.
Are we in?
Oh, it's-- it's one step.
Okay? Of many. It's a process.
I told you.
But look, I helped you,
now... you help me.
I am-- I'm starving.
For real food, okay?
I want--
I want a Grouper Sandwich
from Frenchy's.
And I'll get you the next code.
This could end tonight, guys.
We can-- we can all have
a happy Halloween.
Okay, how do we know
he's not lying?
We don't, but we
tried everything else,
we might as well try this.
All right, Rob.
I'm gonna go to
Frenchy's and get you
a super delicious
Grouper Sandwich.
Okay.
Can I have a minute with him?
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, okay, we'll be back.
- Sure, yeah.
- Come on, boys.
No, no, no, no.
Robert.
Whatever happened to you?
I remember when you were
a young boy,
you weren't like this at all.
You know, it's never too late
to make your way
onto the nice list.
Think about it, son.
Kill me 501 times?
Okay, give me one...
Give me two. Give me three.
Yeah, yeah,
I got you, I see you.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yes, yes, yes!
- Okay!
- -911 emergency response.
Hi, hi, yes,
I've been kidnapped.
Alright, stay calm,
we're sending officers
right away.
I'm-- I'm sending you
my coordinates right now.
They have guns, and
they have knives, and--
Last but not least,
cakes in the shape of spooky
bones.
Oh, my gosh, mom, you're so
thoughtful, thank you.
Right, right?
Who is it, who?
-Who, who, who?
-Hey, hey, hey, shh.
-Stop!
-It's Santa Claus,
you know that.
- Police! Freeze!
Get on the ground!
-Hands!
-Hands where we can see them!
Wait, I know you guys.
Lieutenant Luna
and Detective Big Dick.
It's Detective Dugas.
-But... you're also not wrong.
-You're not wrong.
It's-- it's Mark.
It's Mark and Amy.
-You remember us?
Remember our faces?
-Yeah!
I would never forget a face
so equally handsome.
Anyway, we caught the guy
who got our money.
He's tied up in the back room.
-You guys kidnapped someone?
-You kidnapped me.
What the fuck?
No, we shouldn't kill him yet.
You kidnapped me.
And if I happened to like it,
- that was incidental.
- Marshall!
Really dude? You just
ruined the surprise. Not nice.
I know, I feel-- I ruin things.
I-- I do that, I ruin surprises.
Baby... You got me a Title rep?
Yeah, I got him to you as a
Halloween present
-What are you doing?
-and he was supposed to stay
-Stay, they didn't see.
-quiet until tonight and he--
Totally ruined it.
Totally ruined it.
-I've been naughty.
-It's okay.
We both kidnap people, right?
We're so cute.
- I love you so much.
- Badass.
You didn't have to tie me up
to make me watch.
They're such a cute couple.
Yeah, that's really sweet.
- Love you, babe.
- Hey...
Cops, you know,
we're still here.
-Oh.
-Justice.
Are you guys real cops
or is this
-part of the kink?
-Maybe!
Stop resisting!
-Done.
-That's enough!
-Oh, yes, Daddy.
-On the ground.
You've got a very
commanding presence.
Shut up... idiot.
Go to the torture room.
Hey, did you guys get your money
back?
Are you still dealing with
poverty?
-Dick!
-Go to the torture room!
-You suck.
-You're annoying.
I'm sorry, I do suck.
Wait, you guys, this is insane.
You're looking at some serious
prison time here.
Assault?
Kidnapping? Trespassing?
Hey now, it is a filmmaker's
God-given right to trespass.
All right, this is 96. take one.
Some of you may not have noticed
but at various points
in that previous scene
we actually had another actor
playing the role of Mark.
We felt it was important
to show you
just how easy
it is to be tricked.
Be careful out there.
And let that be a lesson to you.
And I was
in the scene the whole time.
Hi.
-Oh, we're here now.
-Hey guys, we're CIA.
We already pushed this up the
ladder, got the green light.
We have jurisdiction,
blah, blah, blah.
Ugh, thank God,
less paperwork for us.
Oh, thank goodness
because, I mean,
I get so uncomfortable
when guns are out.
-He really does.
-That's concerning.
Well, here's the list of people
Rob has stolen from
in the last 36 months.
It's almost like we
did your job for you.
That's our hacker.
This is the guy that's
ruined our sex-- our marriage.
Wait, you guys have El Camalen?
Plot twist!
- Oh, yeah!
- Do you guys wanna
go in there and...
...get yourself some torture--
torture time.
Very much. Yes, please. Yes.
Torturing bad guys,
you know, really strengthens...
- ...a relationship.
- Wow.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- Mark, I love being
married to you.
It's just through those doors.
- Let's go.
- Yeah, it's...
-...right there.
-Are you guys coming with us?
Oh, no, there's, um,
way too many damn people.
You guys just go,
you two have some fun.
It's "you time,"
have your moment, you know,
forget about us,
forget about this face.
I will always
remember that face.
Thanks, bro
- Bye-bye.
- -Have you been working out?
Oh--
Mark always works out.
Safety.
The Chameleon blends perfectly
into its environment.
Hiding on plain sight.
- Perfect.
- ...all rules.
I could be anywhere.
In the ceilings.
Waiting for the perfect moment.
To distract.
I've outran 112 governments.
Even the United States'
minor outlying islands.
I could be anywhere.
There he is.
- Got him.
- Ow!
Okay, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I can give you triple
your money back, okay?
Like... tax-free.
That's like, what,
like nine grand?
It would be for you guys.
That's a hell of a payday.
Just a shitload of money.
That'd be--
that'd be pretty good, right?
Yeah? Yeah, not bad.
Because, you know, you can,
like... go to a strip club.
I saw those
credit card receipts.
Oh, yeah, I heard-- I heard
Macy's is having a big sale.
Yeah, you could
go crazy at Macy's.
Can we make a deal here?
'Cause this thing's really
fucking--
This thing's really hot.
So we--
we have a deal here, don't we?
Yeah.
Let's get that money transferred
over to you guys. We got a deal?
It's Tampa's favorite news guy,
Jed Jansen here.
We got one! We got a murder
on Halloween, baby!
Yeah! Tell us, what's going on?
What's in the barrel?
- My husband and I,
we found this motherfucker
sizzling in the barrel.
Ding dong, the dick is dead.
This is your tax dollars
hard at work, people.
Worst skin-- scum
off of the street.
All of his clothing
proves that he's dead.
Motherfucker!
And that's all the proof I need.
Rob Huberton is dead.
Do it again, do the sizzle.
- Happy birthday
Dear douchebag
-Ding dong, the dick is dead.
-Happy birthday
- To you
- You heard it here
from the cops.
- I'm Jed Jansen. KLIN.
- Congratulations.
All day.
Bless up.
No one is looking for you.
- He's dead.
- -All right, guys, no more needless murders.
- Oh!
- Come on Dad.
Hey, hey, guys,
the more he's dead,
the less time we all have to
get the passwords, alright?
Dad, murder is really
the only way
we've ever bonded as a family.
I feel like these past...
...days have been amazing,
getting to know you guys better,
with needless murdering.
We haven't had
this much fun since
we went to Lowry Park Zoo.
Just let him be alive for,
like, ten minutes, alright?
- Then I can kill him?
- Sure.
Whoosh.
Whoosh.
Oh, that's not good.
I don't know--
Well, sometimes
you gotta jump-start it.
Christmas!
-All right, there we go, good.
-Never gets old.
Thank you, Santa,
I'll take these.
Well, you're ready to talk?
Well, what's the password?
Hmm?
I think-- I think the...
Yeah,
I've been trying to tell you
the password for,
like, six hours,
but you taped my mouth
shut with magic.
Whoopsie, honest mistake.
It's-- Look Santa's allowed
to make mistakes, too.
I'm gonna need my hands free
if I'm gonna-- if I'm gonna type
in the password.
- I need to type it in.
- -"I have a whole system."
-Okay. Come on.
-There you go. There we go.
And hey, you're not
gonna try anything, right?
- No...
- Because stabby stabby.
Stabby stabby.
Okay.
Welcome, Chameleon, please
confirm voice recognition.
Let's go Yankees
Facial recognition.
Remaining balance,
418 dollars and 23 cents.
What is that?
Oh, oh...
Oh, you thought-- you
thought I saved money?
Invested?
No, I fly to Europe
and I rack up
10k in strip club bills
and then I just steal from a
grandma and buy a bag of coke.
Yeah, you have been torturing me
for something
that doesn't exist.
Idiots.
So...
Welcome to Tampa.
System override complete.
Chameleon, you are in control.
What just happened?
Oh, I just made it look like
you guys stole everything.
Yeah. So now the system,
it sees you guys
as the bad guys.
Bank statements,
IRS, everything.
It all gets traced back to you.
It's all debt.
Millions and millions
of dollars.
Not even your children's
children's children
are gonna be able
to pay it off, so
you guys are gonna rot in jail.
Ralph and Freddy, you're gonna
spend your whole lives
trying to pay
that shit off, so...
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
You know, honestly...
...I'm glad that you--
you killed me.
Now all I have to do is just
create a few new identities,
put it in some trust accounts,
collect all the health insurance
and give it all back to myself
and it's all tax-free.
You know all this
shit's online, right?
You can just google it.
He's always two steps ahead.
Of course I am.
Dad, what's gonna happen?
Yeah, honey.
What is gonna happen?
Yeah, Mark...
What's gonna happen?
I-- I don't--
Get back!
Go, go, go!
- Freddy!
- Hey, Freddy, Freddy.
- No, no. Keep it in, keep it in.
- Come here. Come here.
Freddy!
Okay, nobody move.
Hey, grab my hand.
Come on. You're gonna be okay.
-Yeah, there's no more
candy cane now, bitch.
-Freddy?
- Now there's consequences,
now it's permanent.
- You'll be okay. You'll be fine.
You're not okay, Freddy.
You're gonna die.
- You're gonna be okay.
- It's okay,
D-- don't move.
Harder, come on, squeeze.
Let it out. There.
It hurts to breathe.
Just... keep breathing.
I'm--
I'm really proud of you.
And... everything-- all the--
- all the videos
we make, you know--
you know, I couldn't--
I couldn't make
-those videos without you.
-No, dude.
I'm glad I got blessed
with such a great brother
I-- I work so well with and
get to laugh with and...
...fight with and...
...do everything with.
You're the best little brother
ever.
I love you, man
I love you, too.
C-- can you
send me off with honor?
Before time was time,
or space was space...
...twas wooden and stone...
- ...that you...
- You...
You would keep us safe.
Go on.
Tis your time.
Freddy?
Wait--
Freddy?
-I love you.
-It's okay. F-- Freddy?
-Oh, Freddy's dead.
-Freddy?
Freddy's dead.
How does it feel to die?
All right, Ralph.
Looks like we're
in a Mexican standoff.
What you gonna do?
You took everything
away from me.
You took everything away
from my family.
You killed my brother.
I'm gonna kill you.
Wait, Dad,
did you get that on camera?
Yeah, I sure did, son.
- Oh, shit, okay.
- Boys...
-I have tears.
I have, like, literal tears.
-Perfect.
That was amazing.
Did you get the password, honey?
Yeah, babe, uh, turns out
his password is...
All lowercase. I got it like
five minutes ago
on my phone, but I didn't--
I didn't wanna break this
moment, guys, it's so good.
-Got you, you son of a bitch.
-Christmas is saved.
- Ow... Shit hurt so bad.
- I-- I--
I don't understand.
- Hold on, family time,
family time.
-Okay. Alright,
-Sorry.
- go ahead.
- Oh, I don't know
- how you always do this.
- Need help?
- Ralph, back here.
- Okay.
Did we make a fake
candy cane that looks
like the real candy cane and
then tricked you
into giving us
all of your passwords?
We changed your reality.
Okay, I-- I would like--
Seriously, thank you so much for
your step-by-step instructions
on how to get millions
in insurance.
You're gonna make
a lot of families happy.
From one type A organized brain
to another...
bravo. Seriously, bravo!
- Well, guys, my work here is done.
- -No!
Enjoy your family time
and I'll see you
in a couple of months.
Ho, ho, ho.
-Man, I love that guy.
-He's so cool.
-He's-- he's amazing.
-How can you be sad around
Santa Claus?
- Okay, I-- I-- I am--
- You know what, Dad?
-Yeah?
-Even though Santa's so cool,
I want you to know, you are
the best dad in the world,
Dude, yeah, and I-- I mean,
us helping out,
that's just what--
that's what family's for.
-Hey, you boys put in a lot of
hard work, proud of you.
-Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Look at us, one big
beautiful happy family
outthinking this hacking turd.
I'm-- I'm just--
I'm really sorry. And
I-- I regret everything
that I did and I--
from-- from the bottom
of my heart I'm...
...really sorry that...
...you feel like
I'm the bad guy.
- No, I'm-- I'm--
- Sorry.
I just wanted to just...
...get back at the people
that pushed me down.
- Mm.
- And so I started taking
from people that
didn't deserve it.
And then I took it
from you guys.
And I promise I'm never gonna--
gonna
hack or steal.
Or do anything bad ever again.
Do you-- do you swear?
Y-- Yes, I swear.
Rob, do you swear under oath?
Y-- Yeah, I swear--
I swear under oath.
Hey Freddy,
let's go grab my knife.
So we could
cut his nuts off too.
Then we can force him to
sell toasters
in a loveless marriage.
Sic'em, boys.
Ba-ba-bam!
Ah, so sweet!
You boys ready
for the grand finale?
Hell yeah!
Let's go!
Zip this, boys!
Wait!
-Alright, you guys. scram.
-Alright, alright, alright.
-We're leaving.
-Something awesome is
about to happen.
Yes, Ralph Rumble,
I will marry you.
Freddy Rumble,
kiss me, you stud.
We're home.
Oh, that's it.
- Hey, guys.
- Yeah?
Do you wanna
go for a walk?
Yeah, let's go for a walk.
-Yeah.
-Let's go for a walk.
Oh, my God. Thank God.
- Come on! That's my
puppy!
- Wee-ooh!
- That's my puppy!
That's a puppy!
Hi!
He did it, yeah! That's my boy.
- We don't have kids.
- Um...
We don't have kids...
-...yet.
-Oh!
Yeah, so we hired these
kick-ass kid actors.
Hey, uh, I am Owen Atlas
and I'm
obviously not a dog.
Hi, I'm Collin Thompson and
I'm also not a dog.
The only dog I got
is the dawg in me.
And I'm Augie Duke.
My name sounds like a dog.
Hire everyone for your
next movie.
-Shane hits me.
-End of movie.
Wait, wait, wait.
I've had about enough--
Son of a bitch!
It's a happy Halloween indeed.
I'm here with local neighborhood
security guard Jeremy.
Jeremy,
what the heck is going on?
I don't know man, I was at work
watching the
Tampa Bay Lightning game,
and then all of a sudden,
this dude house just randomly
caught on fire so I was like,
"Oh, snap.
Let me go watch it," right?
And then I came out here, saw
some of my people so I was like,
"Yo, we finna party,
y'all know what's up."
Hey, Peanut. What's up, dog.
I love you.
T'wana, you know
I love you girl.
- Tampa!
- Bay!
- Tampa!
- Bay!
No one will be sad
this perp is dead.
In fact, the mayor
has named today
"Not all house fires
are bad" day
Hey, sometimes
God does the right thing
and kills the animal-abusing,
pedophilic bath-salt zombie
-Ding dong,
the bitch is dead, baby!
-Hey!
- Justice is served.
- Got plenty of evidence.
Yo, we gotta a full--
Found this evidence.
If there's any of you, uh,
ghouls and goblins out there
come on down to this
virtual reality booth
where you can experience
what it's like
to actually kill a hacker.
Stabby stabby!
We're killing people here.
I popped his eyeballs out
and I pulled his teeth out.
Now I have lots to give
to the tooth fairy.
You wanna go do it again?
Yeah, yeah, I wanna do it again.
The blood started gooing out
and the blood tasted so good.
-Oh, who drew that?
-I did.
Oh, you're gonna go places!
-Thanks, fucker.
-It is amazing.
It is a big old dick and balls.
Hey there, slugger.
So yeah, it looks like
you used the bat.
- What? Uh...
- You had a lot of fun
with the bat.
Is it-- is it real?
Oh, my God,
it was so great to
kill my goddamn ex-hu--
I mean, the hacker. The hacker.
It-- Where else can you
go to beat the brains out
of that motherfucker
that won't give you child su--
I went nine times.
Because he never could.
Okay! Viagra!
Hey, you, uh--
you ever tried a banana?
No, good idea.
Let's take a, uh,
turn on the, uh, killing.
Uh, we'll be right back, Jim,
you piece of shit.
A partridge in a pear
Tree
- Woosh.
- Christmas!
Amazing, oh, I do it sometimes
for myself with the belt,
but when you do it, Santa,
it's magic.
-Good.
-Let's go again.
-Let's go again.
-My job is to
-spread joy.
-Yeah, yes, yes!
- On the seventh day
of Christmas
- Seventh day
My true love