HairBrained (2013) Movie Script

Hello, my name is Eli Pettifog.
I'm 13 years old.
Today is my first day
of college.
What you got in that bag,
Eli? Books?
Don't they have a library
at that place?
She's a terrible mother...
but it's not her fault
that I'm a genius.
" Can you hear me coming
Feel it all around."
" Feet are stomping
On the ground."
" It said something
So familiar."
Please tell me this is a joke.
I wanted to take you,
but I'm just so tired.
Remember the electric bill is the
most important, then the rent.
Eli... make some friends
out there, okay?
- Bye, Mom.
- Later.
Beacon Falls, Whittman College.
I welcome you
to Whittman College...
the 37th best, small, liberal
arts college on the East Coast.
Lots of stuff to know.
How about some exercise
for the lazy student?
Some people go to college because they
graduate from high school, like me.
Others go and they
self-destruct, like this guy.
Chi Gong.
Badminton or squash?
He had a business once.
He used to sell this stuff.
To these people... and then
he bailed on these things.
Put your shuttlecock away.
It's squash.
Here, let me get that for you.
- Give me my bag back.
- I'm Leo Searly, late bloomer.
I'm Eli Pettifog, child prodigy,
please can I have my bag back?
You're a freshman?
Me, too. What room you in?
212, can I...
Oh, good, it's right here.
I'm right across the hall.
Well, take care,
brush your hair.
I need the oldest undergraduate
in the world as a friend...
like I need a hole in my head.
And I don't need a hole in my head,
if that was what you were wondering.
Hey, want to get a burger?
My treat.
Thanks, but no.
Eli, it's your first day
of college...
you're gonna have plenty of time
to sit alone and hate yourself.
Come on.
Wow, that's good.
That is old-fashioned
American genius.
Have you noticed everything
is genius these days?
How can food be genius?
Try the fries.
That's good, it may be great,
but it's not genius.
Hey, look at that townie girl.
She's checking you out, man.
See you later, Shauna.
See you.
Oh, that was a complete
meltdown of the man nerve.
I'm wearing my hair net.
Safety first. I hear you.
I'm gonna go get us
some more beers.
Nice, I'll just stay here.
I am Leo Searly, late bloomer.
I'm 'Milla, I have not yet
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
You look like you bloomed
to me all right.
Are you Eli Pettifog?
The 13-year-old freshman?
Well, Eli, I want to have your
really, really smart baby.
What makes you think
that nine months in your womb
won't make the baby
really, really stupid?
Excuse me.
Oh, jeez.
You think your sperm is too good
for my girl or something?
Ow, put me down! Put me down!
- Why do you do this shit?
- Because I'm a dick!
Say my sperm is not worthy of
Eve Hanson.
Who's Eve Hanson?
My girlfriend, you know, the
one you were just hitting on?
She's out of your league, pal.
Yeah, I know she's out of my
league. I don't even like girls.
Somebody's fibbing.
Oh, god.
What's it like down there?
Awesome, I've been there
a thousand times.
Yeah, I'll bet you have.
Say my sperm is not worthy of
Eve Hanson.
Hold on, I can't hear you, my
ears are blocked.
Have some Ebola, asshole!
I'm gonna make this the worst
year of your shitty, little life.
So, we're enemies?
Mortal enemies.
Let's drink to it.
Oh, Jesus, ow, stop.
Remember, I bought
the first round.
Oh, my god.
Oh, god.
I don't feel so good.
Perfect timing.
Something I want to tell you.
Come closer.
You can come closer.
I'm a genius!
I remember my first beer,
too. Yeah.
Ever since I was a little baby, all I
ever wanted to do was go to Harvard.
My spiritual home.
So, without really trying,
I skipped five grades.
Won all the science fairs,
got my MENSA card.
You know what happened?
Harvard rejected me.
They don't want me.
Well, then, screw them.
You don't understand.
It just killed me, you know?
You want to know
the most awful and
humiliating part of the
whole, entire story?
You still love the bitch.
Yeah. How'd you know?
All right, if you're gonna puke again,
close one eye, you'll have better aim.
Don't leave.
If the room starts to spin,
you put one foot on the floor.
Yeah. Leo? Leo?
- Goodnight.
- No, Leo, just...
You're all right. Hang in there.
Never mind.
I'm here for my job.
All right, dear,
check in down the hall.
Harvard's coming?
Good evening, and welcome
to Collegiate Mastermind.
The varsity sport of the mind.
Tonight's two contestants are
the Whittman Warring Hares...
versus the Harvard Crimson
First question is a toss-up
worth ten points.
The first question, that should
be the first one on the stack.
Okay, how far
can the Queen Mary 2...
travel on one gallon of...
Whittman Warring Hares.
We forfeit.
No, I mean we forfeit.
You can't forfeit.
We haven't won a match
since 1971.
Oh. Harvard to steal.
Six inches.
Six inches is correct.
Caution, Harvard at this
time for showboating.
Man, if I were on the
Whittman team...
my dad would send me into
the woods to find the
perfect piece of birch
to split my ass with.
Hey, there's the little dude.
Thanks for the support, little
dude. What's your name?
You the man, Eli.
How old are you?
Uh-oh, he's a genius.
Yeah, you are.
13, walking around Harvard with
hair like that? That's bad ass.
You want a ride back to campus?
To Boston?
Yeah, let's roll.
Yo, Eli, get in...
or we aren't gonna haze you.
I can't.
Why not?
Because I don't go to Harvard.
I'm a freshman here at Whittman...
but my soul belongs to Harvard.
Don't worry about it, the important
thing is we part company like men.
Listen to me, you little freak.
Ow, oh, my god.
Harvard doesn't want your soul. Your
soul is cheap, and it's mediocre.
- Ow, stop.
- It's a Whittman soul.
- But they went on to win that year.
- How does that help us right now?
I'm just saying you should
learn, you know, perseverance.
Alan, if you didn't know the
answer, why did you buzz?
You can't do that.
If you don't know, don't buzz.
My name is Eli Pettifog.
This is Leo Searly's last chance
at a classy future.
He's not afraid to gamble it all
on a hole and a ball.
Hits the putt.
Oh, it's on the lip. No, no, no,
it's rolling in. It's rolling in.
Oh, yes!
- Leo Searly takes home $100 million...
- Hey.
Hey, how are you?
Can I tell you something
super important?
Okay. As long as it's not
teenage stuff.
Don't worry. This is as grown up
as it gets.
All right.
First, I now hate Harvard with the
fanatical rage of a freedom fighter.
That sounds pretty teenage to
And I've sworn my life
to its destruction.
The entire university?
No, just the college, I'm only
one man.
Second, I'm now the new
captain of the Whittman
Warring Hares Collegiate
Mastermind Team.
Oh, I loved that game as a kid.
That's the one with the pegs.
Like the little colored pegs,
then you get a combination...
No, it's a quiz show in which
two colleges compete...
to see which one is smart
and which one is dumb.
It's like the show Jeopardy,
with no money.
No money?
Forget the money, Leo. I found
the instrument of my revenge.
What makes him think he
can walk in here and say...
"I'm Eli Pettifog
and I'm your new captain?"
Because none of us walked in
and said I'm your new captain.
The first four digits of pi
are 3.141.
What is the
billionth digit of pi?
Right you are.
Here's your bonus.
Assuming Rudolph was in front...
how many ways are there to arrange
the other eight reindeer?
Right you are.
You're fast, kid.
- Dude!
- Captain.
Shit, dude,
viral pandemic sick! Or not.
Ssh, I'm trying to study.
You should have a package
for Eli Pettifog.
Pettifog, okay.
Weird name. What's it mean?
Okay, here we go. Pettifog means
you bicker over everything.
That's ridiculous.
Second definition, to practice
deception or trickery.
Do you have a package
for me or not?
There's no package for you, Pettifog.
No lying or complaining.
Hey. Can I use your phone?
Yeah, sure.
It's private.
I understand.
Hey, if you want to
party, leave a message.
All right, whatever.
Hey, Mom, I'm calling to remind
you you forgot my birthday again.
It's your birthday?
Yeah. Big 1-4.
Hang on.
Thanks, Leo,
that was really fun.
Well, happy birthday, Eli.
- Leo!
- Yo!
What's wrong with this thing?
Hey, fuzzy, that's my
favorite machine.
Happy birthday.
I wish I could go to Whittman.
There's no Mall Studies
major at Whittman.
I'm not a mall girl. I only shop
at the most exclusive boutiques.
You want to shotgun?
What's a shotgun?
Let me show you. Okay.
I know you have a thing for me.
What are you gonna do about it?
What are you talking about?
I see you checking out
my boyish curves.
Come, lay down with me.
You want to know a secret?
I never kissed anyone.
So what? Neither have I.
I'm worried I might suck at it.
How hard can it be?
Kissing is too important
to be easy.
Not my lip.
Well, stop squirming.
Are you supposed to be drooling
directly into my mouth?
Toss up. Which states, in order
of entry into the union...
is Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen
not from?
Delaware, Pennsylvania, Georgia,
Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina,
New Hampshire, Virginia, New York...
North Carolina, Rhode Island,
Vermont, Kentucky, uh...
Keep going.
Not Tennessee, Ohio, Louisiana,
Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois...
Alabama, Maine, Missouri, Arkansas,
Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa...
Wisconsin, California,
15 seconds.
Um, not Oregon, Kansas,
West Virginia, Nevada...
Nebraska, Colorado, North
Dakota, South Dakota.
Do it, weirdo!
Yeah, do it.
Montana, Washington, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah,
New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, nor Hawaii.
By god, he's done it.
Nice. Very nice.
Frigging magnificent.
Frigging, frigging. I want
a piece of your action.
You can't have any of my action.
Do you even know what your
action is?
You're the one who started
talking about my action.
Your action is blowing people away with
your genius, and your bizarre charisma.
You're a college star
in the making.
My quest is private, Leo,
it's not for other people.
Do you think
I should start a blog?
Nice try, Leo.
This jacket
is from sweatshop city.
What are you talking about? It was
stitched in Beacon Falls, USA.
Makes me look like I have
old-man shoulders.
Man shoulders are a perk.
Oh. Then how come
the waist is so tight?
What are you talking about?
It's form-fitting.
Flatters the silhouette.
Oh. Well, what about
the collar?
The jacket's perfect, Eli.
You promise?
Must be why I love it so much.
Excuse me, hello, thank you very much.
I hope you all enjoy your lunch.
Today we're offering
$1,000 to anyone...
who can stump the Whittman Warring
Hares Collegiate Mastermind squad.
Perky girl.
Okay, why does he have pubic
hair on his head?
Not the sort of question
we're looking for. Next!
But the people want to know.
Don't you want to know?
Okay, the people want to know, why does
your hair look like "down there" hair?
That's a great question.
My hair resembles pubic hair, because
it is designed to protect my brain.
Protect your brain from what?
From stupidity.
You calling me stupid?
- Mm, mm-mm.
- They're calling you stupid.
What about you?
I'm calling you stupid, too.
Yeah? Who will be stupid when
I'm eating your brain, Pettifog?
Grilled... with sea salt.
You're gonna grill my brain?
He's gonna grill your brain.
Caveman, you can't
even start a fire.
I'll rub your bones together.
Name one bone.
Your skull bone!
All right, kids, come on,
calm down.
Thank you very much. Don't forget
to come and see the Warring Hares.
- I could take him. Put me down.
- Bus your tables.
I want to thank you for benching me.
I never felt so confident in my life.
Hey, what are friends for?
Hey, sexy genius.
Hey, sexy lady, what's up?
- She's not talking to you.
- What are you talking about?
Hey, you teach me, I'll teach you. A little
quid pro blow, as they say in modern Latin.
See you at Vassar. Bye, boys.
It's quid pro quo.
In Collegiate Mastermind,
it might be quid pro quo...
but in the game of life, her
interpretation is right on the sticky bun.
You're so cool, I think
I'm gonna call you the fog.
Please, don't call me the fog.
That makes me sound dense.
Hey, baby.
Hi, Gertrude.
- Hi, ladies. Where's Leo?
- Hey, Gertrude.
Ha-ha, looks like
we got a ride.
- Nice.
- Yes, the van.
- So sweet.
- Oh, my god, this is awesome.
Neat, so cool. Fluffy and soft.
- Do you have a bed in this thing?
- I like this car.
Nice, isn't it? Feels kind
of like a land couch.
Hey, Leo, guess what?
Eli has a groupie.
Shut up, Romeo. Jesus.
- What's her name?
- Eve Hanson, she's a senior.
She cute?
She looks like Gertrude, if you
gave her blonde hair and money.
Romeo, the only groupie you're
ever gonna have is your hand.
That really hurt.
Buckle up, kids!
Rhinotillexomania is compulsive
nose picking.
Gynecomastia means man boobs.
The naked mole rat
is immune to cancer.
Whittman College has won the
And for the match, what syndrome does
pop star Lily Allen have? Whittman.
The super numerary nipple
syndrome, the triple nipple.
Abalone is not a mollusk,
but a large marine snail.
That's correct. Match goes
to Whittman College.
The aquatic scrotum resides
primarily in Lake Titicaca.
Whittman wins!
Out of beer!
Safety first, safety first.
Oh, my god!
Can you please stay away from me?
Don't worry, Laird never
comes to the library.
I find you fascinating.
No, you don't.
And dangerous.
I'm very safe.
Do I scare you?
Yes, very much.
Well, just try to look past my breasts and
everything else, and see the real me.
Look past your breasts?
I can't even look at them.
Just... right... do you need...
I'm not gonna look at them.
Don't worry, Romeo,
we can beat Yale.
It's not that.
Well, what is it?
My brother goes to Yale.
Oh, really, that's a bummer.
It's only because he is a
non-threatening Puerto Rican.
I did not get into Yale, because my mighty
mas macho terrifies the white man...
until his balls are like
But it still hurts, you know?
Every night it still hurts.
So you have a smarter brother?
Is he better looking, too?
Yeah, but only a little bit.
Eli, can you dedicate this one to Romeo?
He's really hurting back here.
Sure. This one's for you,
big guy.
Good evening, and welcome
to the Yale Bulldogs...
versus the
Whittman Warring Hares.
First question is a toss up
for ten points.
How many names are listed
on the Vietnam War Memorial?
Wrong, Whittman for the steal?
That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Whittman.
The memorial is built from black granite.
Where does this granite come from?
Bangalore, India.
Right again. Toss up.
Who invented the
roulette wheel and why?
French philosopher and mathematician...
Blaise Pascal invented roulette
for perpetual motion experiments.
That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Yale.
Why is roulette called the
Devil's Game?
Because all the numbers
on the wheel add up to 666.
- Huddle up.
- What?
- I'm not kidding.
- What's up?
Some girls know about roulette,
other girls know about the devil...
but no girl knows about both.
Especially not girls like that.
She's cheating.
How do you know?
Check out the receiver,
it's hidden, it's right there.
Yeah, I see it. Somebody's
feeding her the answers.
I bet she cheated
to get into Yale, too.
I bet she took your spot.
Whittman, break your huddle.
All right, guys, here's your choice.
We can beat them fair and square.
I promise we can.
Or, we could put an eternal
stain on their lives.
It's your call. Yale's
your white whale.
Eternal stain.
All right, just be cool.
I can't be cool.
Oh, god.
My earring.
Daniel, my brother, Turran.
My country tis of thee, sweet
land of liberty.
I know you saw that sign.
Yeah, I saw it.
Here we are at Harvard...
smartest place on Earth.
This is the freshman dorm,
Adams house.
Some of the rooms have
Get over it.
What are you doing?
What does it look like
I'm doing?
What's the high score
in this machine?
I'm wearing watermelon
lip gloss.
The flavor is disappearing,
can you put on some more?
I have cherry, too.
No, this is the one.
This is definitely the one.
You're a really good kisser, Eli.
We can't do this all day...
unless it leads somewhere else.
Like where?
Like my neck.
What about your neck?
Kiss it.
That feels so good.
Now the other side.
You mean... okay.
Do you have a roommate?
You should invite me over.
You know, me being on campus might
make me into a crazy woman.
Did you know that every
time you recall a memory,
you're making the whole
thing up from scratch?
That's ridiculous, my memories
are exactly the same every time.
Oh, okay. What was
I wearing when we met?
Come on, I'm trying
to do science here.
Don't you need test tubes
or something like that?
What color lipstick did your
wife wear at your wedding? Hm?
How did you know
that I was married?
It's written all over you.
Divorced guy goes to college.
Not a good look, is it?
It's not a look, it's a life.
Hey, you want to go back to my
Sure, I still have 20 more pages
before we have a sex break.
Okay, fine, no highlighting, no looking
stuff up, no dog-earing pages.
- Divorce is sexy.
- Really?
Yeah, as long as you don't have
any brats running around you.
Yo, Laird wants a truce, he's
all fruity for you or something.
Atruce, huh?
Okay, take this, you need it.
Tell me we're going
to beat Princeton.
We're gonna beat Princeton.
Tell me we're going
to the Final Four.
Final Four?
We're going all the way.
Did you just promise me
a national championship?
I'm guaranteeing it.
I believe you, Eli.
I believe that you can restore glory to
Whittman athletics and make us whole again.
Yeah, I promise I will.
But if you fail, I will make
you retarded with my fist.
I'm gonna make this the worst
year of your shitty, little life.
But if you fail, I will make you
retarded with my fist.
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
Hey, I'm Eli Pettifog,
ask me anything.
Yo, this is total commitment.
What are you talking about?
Pettifog, he means it.
Let me see that.
Oh, please, that's Kiss,
we're the Beatles.
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!
Win this one, we make it
to the Final Four.
My father will kill me.
'69 team lost to Princeton.
You afraid of your father?
Everybody is afraid
of their father.
I can't believe
how nervous I am.
You've got no reason
to be nervous.
No, I know, I was just trying
to make you feel useful.
Just get up there and give it
all the brains you got.
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
Good evening and welcome
to Collegiate Mastermind.
All right, the first question
is a toss-up worth ten points.
Which president created a company slogan
by describing a certain brand of coffee...
as being "good to the last drop"?
Teddy Roosevelt.
Here's your bonus. In Italy, what
is the average age of a barista?
Nicely done.
Toss-up now. What is the longest word ever
used by a presidential press secretary?
That's the word.
Here's your bonus.
What is the longest word
in the English language
whose letters can be
played on the piano?
Musical. Toss-up.
How much money did
Abraham Lincoln have in
his pocket at the time
of his assassination?
Five dollars
in Confederate money.
Nice shot, Whittman,
all the way to the bank.
I want to have your baby!
Here's your bonus. What is the average
life span of a U.S. dollar in circulation?
18 months.
Such an intense sport.
It's all in the coaching.
Toss-up. Who wrote Fart Proudly?
Benjamin Franklin.
- Exactly.
- Nostalgie De La Boue.
- Bingo.
- 28,420.
Well done!
Bella Abzug. The Stockholm
Syndrome. The number one.
Banging your head against a wall
burns 150 calories per hour.
On average, right-handed people live nine
years longer than left-handed people.
Mike Huckabee.
The mainland tiger snake.
The two presidents who's names contain
the letters that form criminal...
are Richard Millhouse Nixon and
William Jefferson Clinton.
If Barbie were life-size, she
would stand 7 feet, 2 inches.
Whoo! It is a tight race,
if I do say so myself.
This final question will determine
which team will go to the Final Four.
Teams at your buzzers.
Who first said,
"Elvis has left the building"?
Horace Lee Logan!
Holy shit, that's right.
Princeton loses!
Princeton loses!
And Whittman College advances
to the Final Four!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid,
now that's over the line.
I can't believe it.
Hey, Pettifog.
I have registered mail.
You know what, Pettifog?
You're no Pettifog.
You're an angel of knowledge
with a kinky halo.
Saw you the other night,
Hey, Pettifog? Hi-ya!
What? Oh, shit, no!
To the academic building, and the
first thing we're gonna do is...
Uh, question, what is the student
bathroom ratio on this campus?
Yes. Who are you?
Um... I'm Leo Searly.
My bio dad?
Your father.
No. That's my father.
Don't tell me
you're a professor here.
No, uh, yes? I'm not tenured
yet, well...
You left when I was seven, and now you're
teaching at my top college choice?
You're ruining my life
all over again.
And you don't even care
that you're ruining my life.
All you care about
is Leo Searly.
Three-time loser
and pathetic Peter Pan.
Soph... Sophie, just give me
another chance.
She ain't here, Fuzzy.
Read it. Read the letter!
Collegiate Mastermind...
Dear Eli Pettifog...
The Collegiate Mastermind
Committee hereby suspends you...
from the semi-final match of this year's
Final Four for actions unbecoming?
La-Ia-Ia... section four,
code 93...
You're not even allowed in the building.
Is this for real?
Yes, it's for real,
this is your fault, Leo.
You got me the team jackets.
You got me the van.
You made me popular.
How could you do those things?
I knew I shouldn't have enrolled
you in karate classes.
That's typical Leo Searly sarcasm. You
just don't care about anyone or anything.
Jesus Christ, I can't believe
this is happening.
I had Harvard dangling
over the falls, Leo.
You have to do something
about this.
You have to go to the
Collegiate Mastermind
headquarters and you have
to set them straight.
I can't do that.
Why not?
You just burst in their
you tell them you're my father and they're
messing with my destiny or something.
You know that there are some
things that you just can't change.
I thought you were afraid
to talk to me?
I've been suspended
from the semi-final match.
For karate? You idiot.
I know, but they never
even warned me.
I hope you consider coming to Whittman,
you're a wonderful candidate.
Thank you so much.
- Okay, see you. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Do you ever consider the possibility
that maybe you're the patsy in all this?
I was set up?
Why would I be set up?
Look, they used you to bring
attention to the Mastermind.
But at the end of the day, they
were never gonna let you win.
You're collegiate white trash.
You're even more
paranoid than I am.
Things like this happen
all the time.
I've been looking all over for
you. What are you doing here?
Um, I just finished my interview
and then the campus store.
Now I'm in the library,
which is awesome.
I'm a little bit confused. Are you applying
for an after-school job or something?
No, um... I'm applying as a
student to Whittman College, Eli.
I thought you were 15. Have you
been lying to me about your age?
I am 15, and I'm
a high school senior.
Why wouldn't you tell me that?
Because I thought you
wouldn't like it.
And... why didn't you tell me about
the Collegiate Mastermind? Hm?
Is is because you wanted to keep
your townie girlfriend...
as far away from your real
life as you can?
I'm a townie, too, you know.
Then act like one.
You better go get her, Eli. Girls
like that don't grow in chat rooms.
And brush your hair.
Good shot.
Hey, Leo?
How are your testicles?
Hanging in there.
Yeah, you are.
Pettifog. Pettifog.
I am one gloomy dick, Pettifog.
What's wrong?
What's wrong? You got suspended.
We're gonna lose.
Where'd you hear that?
It's not true.
It's not?
No... it's... it's a ruse
to lull the opponent.
To a false sense of security.
Nobody knows but you and me.
That's just ingenious.
So, you still guarantee complete
annihilation and total victory?
100 percent.
How about another 10?
That's 110 percent.
There's no such thing.
I don't care.
This was the car you were gonna
teach me to drive in.
Well, why don't we
do that right now?
I already know how to drive.
You know I'm not really
a professor here, right?
I know, you're a freshman.
Which is 50-50 creepy to cool.
I was sure you hated me, I...
I did, until I saw you.
But you're such a lost goofball,
I can't help but not hate you.
Do you feel sorry for me?
Well, that's sweet.
Are you thinking
of coming to Whittman?
How would you feel about that?
I mean, it could be weird.
Well... I don't know,
thrilled that my daughter
is following after her
scholarly father.
What kind of grades you get?
- Straight A's.
- Yeah?
It's no big deal,
it's public school.
Still, that's great,
straight A's.
Can you afford it?
No, I can't afford it.
Well, you know, maybe there's something
I can do to help you out tuition-wise.
Are you serious?
You would do that?
Yeah, um, I'm not making any promises,
but I'll see what I can do. Um...
I didn't come here
for that, you know?
I know, look, I know,
I know, I know. I know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I can't see you anymore.
I'm sorry. Can I come in?
Yeah, why can't you
see me anymore?
Well, because I just ran into my daughter
and I haven't seen her in a long time.
And it's just a little bit creepy, because
she kind of looks like... you get it?
That is so psychological.
Some kind of pathological narcissistic
father-daughter disorder or something.
Well, thanks very much,
and I'll see you around campus.
You sure you don't want to hang
out and study for a while?
Wow, um, uh... gosh,
I'm gonna go...
Leo... what the hell
are you doing here?
Hi, Benny, how are you?
Well, I've got a lot of things
I could complain about,
but try to say
only good things.
So, all right,
what's up with you?
Oh, I'm here
to place a bet, Benny.
Leo, you know that I'll never
take your bet, not ever.
Now what kind of bookie
doesn't take a bet?
The kind who feels guilty
for ruining your life.
But this is a good bet.
It's a bet with conscience.
Look, I'm sorry, Leo,
can't do it.
Benny, take my bet.
Would you please get up off the ground?
The sight
of you down there is
very disturbing to me.
I'm not getting up
until you take my bet.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah?
- Hm.
I'm not getting up until you get
out of here, you understand?
Look at you, Benny. You're on
your knees in your own office.
Look at you, you're begging me to
ruin your life all over again.
I'm trying to pay for my
daughter's tuition.
Do you have any idea how much it
costs to go to college these days?
I don't know, like 20 grand?
Try 50 large.
50 large? Who the hell
can afford that?
I got 25, if I double it, then
Sophie can go to school for a year.
All right, what's the bet?
Harvard to take it all.
What are they gonna win?
Collegiate Mastermind.
What the hell
is Collegiate Mastermind?
Well, it's kind of like
Jeopardy, but without the money.
No money?
What's the point?
No money?
What's the point?
You are going to win the Collegiate
Mastermind National Championship. Say it.
You are going to win the
Collegiate Mastermind...
Stop. Stop. Not me, you.
Please say it again.
How can we win the Collegiate
Mastermind National Championship?
We haven't answered one single
question during the whole season.
Well, you didn't answer the questions,
but you knew the answers, right?
I didn't.
Not even one third of the answers?
One out of every three questions?
I did, I knew about a third.
Yeah, I guess I did, too.
Okay, and Alan knew the other third, so
the three of you guys make up one of me.
You're pussies.
You guys are total pussies.
And pussies need balls,
so get some balls, guys.
Can you seriously picture
Alan with balls?
Up here, Eli.
Last night, I had a dream.
The Poughkeepsie Music Hall...
Poughkeepsie, New York, semi-final
match of the Final Four...
I was nailing question
after question.
How did it end? In your triumph?
Ended when I mutated into a rabbit
and shitted all over the stage.
You weren't a rabbit, you idiot.
You were a Warring Hare.
- Really?
- Yes.
But what does the shit signify?
Purging of your doubts.
Man... I got a lot of doubts.
Because Harvard's burning.
Turn off the municipal water
Because Harvard's burning.
Something smells good.
Because Harvard's burning.
We're here.
Okay, now I'm nervous.
I'm gonna try and get in anyway.
Good luck to us all.
Warring Hares from
leafy Whittman College.
Searly, Leo.
Pettifog, I can't let you in the
building until after the semi-finals.
- What are you talking about?
- He's the best...
- Excuse me.
- Okay, you're b...
- What are you talking about?
- I'll watch the guys.
I can't let you in.
There's something very different
about you this year.
The moustache... my moustache
came in.
It's not your moustache.
Moustache is in.
Something I can't quite run my
fingers through.
You know, Spencer...
We're on, guys.
I'm sorry, here we go.
Ooh, we have arrived.
Fruit plate.
You know Shrek's wife Fiona?
I bet her hoo-hah
looks just like this.
Why did it take you so long to
say something romantic?
Hey, guys, let's bring it in.
Huddle up... into a square.
Circle, triangle, whatever.
Are you gonna psyche us up
instead of Eli?
In my own way. You made
it to the Final Four.
You're already winners, right?
Right, right? Right. Let's take
a moment to cherish that.
This is something that you're going
to share with your children.
The foundation of good character
is based on losing.
In fact, what makes a good
winner... is a good loser.
What's the difference
between winning and losing?
Except joy and pain.
So, let's go out there with our
heads held high... and lose one.
In that old Whittman style.
- We're coming to you live...
- Coming to you live.
...from the Poughkeepsie Music Hall
and what a beautiful venue this is.
Gorgeous down there.
Where the Stanford Cardinal will
be taking on the...
Whittman Warring Hares of
Whittman College.
Who are playing without their
star, Eli Pettifog, who is...
He's been suspended. He's been
suspended one game for showboating.
He's gonna be back if they
advance to the Finals.
What is up with you?
This Whittman thong is itching
me something fierce.
Can we have tickets?
I really need tickets.
Shit! Shit.
Why were you acting so
creepy in the library?
I don't know. Why were you
acting so creepy in the library?
I just... I just came over...
I'm sorry.
Yeah, sorry.
Oh, I have lip gloss.
No, screw the lip gloss, okay?
Yo, good luck, Stanford.
Remember, guys, even without Pettifog,
the Hares are still dangerous.
Bullshit. Without Pettifog, they
can't even spell Pettifog.
Hey, watch the karma violation.
Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon.
You come and go.
You come and go.
Oh, shit.
Stanford Cardinal, please report
backstage to check in.
Final call, final call, Stanford
We're currently waiting for the
Stanford Cardinal to arrive.
I think it's a mind game. I think what
Stanford is doing is a mind game.
I think they're just trying to upset these
Whittman Warring Hares by not showing up.
- I think it's bad karma, myself.
- Yeah.
I don't know where they are. I saw the
in the hotel this morning at breakfast.
A little bleary-eyed,
probably from studying
and/or partying they
did last night.
But they look great,
these kids...
we all shared some of the cottage cheese.
I got a bowl of cottage cheese there.
Put some sugar on it yourself and
grab yourself a pineapple ring...
and put the cottage cheese
on there.
And load that sucker with sugar and have
yourself some delicious French roast...
that they have at the continental
breakfast, a croissant, maybe?
Do not let them get into your
head, Gertrude.
The match should have
started 20 minutes ago.
Those Stanford fools
are driving me crazy.
Good afternoon, Whittman.
The Stanford Cardinal
have failed to appear...
and are disqualified.
you advance to the Finals.
Benny Greenberg.
Benny Greenberg.
Hi, Benny, it's me, it's Leo. Really
be good if I could talk to you.
Hey, so what's Eli's bedroom IQ?
Cut it out, you jerks.
Seriously, we're about to play
the match of our lives.
What should we do?
We'll practice celebrating.
Create a mental picture of
Harvard lying on the stage.
You know, they're crying,
they're fouling their pants.
They're bleeding
from their ears...
and you all are gyrating obscenely
over their fallen bodies. Okay?
I want some pie.
Do you want some pie?
Do you want blueberry?
I heard they have an awesome
peach one. Banana...
I actually have to pee.
Oh, I'll be over there.
Dual vivimus vivamus.
While we live, let's live.
Porcellian Club, Harvard's most
secret society.
Members often call it "The PC".
And "The Porc". I'm not a member, so
I just call it the Porcellian Club.
Nobody is a member until they become a
member, but once a member, always a member.
Like an alma mater.
Only much, much better.
Maybe next time around.
Look at me, Eli.
There is no next time around.
If you let Harvard win, I can
make you a Harvard student.
Consider it.
He said that if I take
a dive in the final
match, I go to Harvard
on a full scholarship.
Does that include a graduate
Who needs a graduate degree?
Well, what was your answer?
I didn't have one.
I still don't have one.
I gotta go, just don't follow
me, don't try to find me, agh!
I'm gyrating. I'm gyrating.
No, no, no, it's like this.
You're the rice in my beans,
Uh, hey, is Eli around?
- You guys don't know where he is?
- Is something wrong?
Everything is fine. He's probably just
getting in the zone all by himself.
What's going on?
What's going on, what?
He's obviously not here.
I know he's not here.
So let's go, let's go.
So, later.
- Eli?
- Eli.
We should go back and wait
for him in the dressing room.
What are you talking about? He's
not going to the dressing room.
He could be anywhere.
We are live in Poughkeepsie,
New York...
for the 49th annual Collegiate
Mastermind Tournament Championship.
And right off the bat,
we have a shocker.
Oh, boy.
Whittman College's star player
Eli Pettifog is a no-show.
I think that their chances have
gone from long shot...
to no shot here against the
Harvard Crimson ruling elite.
What are you doing, Eli?
He can't talk, but his Lego
skills are ridiculous.
Come on, let's go.
The match is starting.
Keep on building.
Holy shit, no Pettifog.
Oh, no, I forgot to go
to the bathroom.
Good afternoon, ladies and
and welcome to this year's Collegiate
Mastermind Championship Match.
Featuring the Harvard Crimson.
Against the Whittman
Warring Hare.
The first question is a toss-up.
When was the stethoscope
invented and by whom?
1816, by
Ren-Thophile-Hyacinthe Laennec.
That is right.
Here's your bonus.
Despite her French-sounding name,
Marie Curie was from what country?
That is right.
Here's a toss-up.
Who was the only Major League pitcher
to throw a no-hitter while on LSD?
Doc Ellis.
That is correct.
Where's Pettifog?
Here's your bonus.
What was the last country to
stop legally producing LSD?
Czechoslovakia in 1975.
That is right.
This humiliation
is gonna go viral.
It was Michigan in the semi-finals and now
it is a young, plucky band of kids...
from Whittman College who are
feeling Harvard's wrath.
Ugh, it's not pretty out there.
I didn't think they had a chance
from the beginning...
but now this sad Cinderella
story is coming to a close.
Now the cards were stacked against
Whittman to begin with, even with...
Eli? Eli!
Excuse me, I made the decision that is
going to determine my future and yours.
I reject friendship, I reject love,
and I reject Collegiate Mastermind.
Iron Chef Michael Simon attended
which Cleveland area high school?
Saint Edward High School
in Lakewood.
That is right.
Make it look like your
buzzers don't work.
Toss up. What animal is
incapable of seeing the sky?
I take it back.
Five seconds, Whittman.
Something in my head is saying
gashon, gashon, gashon.
What the hell is gashon?
It's a pig. The pig.
That is right.
Here's your bonus.
These ancient people were
sometimes accompanied
to the grave with
their herds of pigs.
The southern white cracker loves
his swine.
The cracker is an ancient. Polish
people are true pig lovers.
The Chinese!
That is correct.
Yeah! Uh-oh!
The ugliest sight in the world is the
sight of simple people being happy.
Toss up.
What ill-fated computer platform was
released on the 23rd of April, 1983?
The Apple 3.
That is right.
How did you know that?
- I didn't know I did.
- Here's your bonus.
Who was the forgotten
founder of Apple and what
was his greatest
contribution to the company?
Ron Wayne, he designed
the first logo.
You nailed it!
Yeah, Gertrude.
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
Wow, a sign of life from these
Whittman Hares.
Nah, I think it's gonna be too
little, too late, Spencer.
Coming up on the two-minute warning,
I think Whittman's fate is all but sealed.
Let's not get too excited yet...
Harvard has been answering questions
like this for 500, 600 years.
They could beat Harvard
without you.
Toss up. Who performed
the only instrumental
song to have been banned
from American radio?
And what was the name of the
- Holy spasticature.
- Oh! Down and out!
I'll tell you, that's the
most exciting moment
in Collegiate Mastermind
history, that is.
Wow, let's see that again.
Here you go, hold it, wait for it.
He's gonna clip the podium right...
Pow. Bing.
That's gonna shave
a few points of the old GPA.
Oh, don't you know it. He is a bleeder
that little kid, that smartie.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a member of the
Whittman side has sustained
a serious injury.
Whittman has three minutes
to produce their alternate.
You're now the alternate, Eli.
If you're not on that stage in three
minutes, Whittman will be disqualified.
I'd stay where you are, Eli.
A king always needs his castle.
Let me put it in context. How long
have you dreamed of going to Harvard?
My whole life.
How long have you dreamed
of beating Harvard?
A couple of months.
You're gonna have to honor
the big dream, Eli.
Wait, what the hell are you
I mean, do you really want to screw your
school, your team and your friends?
Get some balls, Eli,
and go out there and win it.
It's his right.
How's your brain feeling?
- I can't do this.
- Get out there.
I don't know what the fuck
I'm supposed to do, guys.
Things just got interesting.
Eli Pettifog, the Whittman Hares star
player just stepped out on the stage.
That boy has not missed
a question all season long.
He has got brains.
He's got hair.
Where the hell have you been?
Where the hell have you been?
You don't want to know.
Yes, we do.
Whittman has produced their
alternate, so let's resume.
Benny here.
- Benny, it's me, it's Leo.
- Yeah?
I want to take the bet back,
the Harvard bet?
Leo, I never put the bet through.
It doesn't exist.
You should be thanking me.
Hey, Leo? You're welcome.
Thank you, Benny.
Toss up.
Who said, "A whale ship was my
Yale College and my Harvard?"
I can't, I can't.
You better.
Five seconds.
Come on, guys.
I would say Melville.
Then say it.
Herman Melville.
That is right.
For your bonus, at the time of his
death, Herman Melville was so obscure...
the New York Times misidentified
him in his obituary.
I know this.
What name did they use?
Henry Melville.
That is right.
Whittman! Go, Whittman!
We have a tie score.
I can't believe we're
tied with Harvard.
I can't believe they're
tied with Harvard.
I can't believe they're tied
with Harvard.
This next question will
determine the championship.
Toss up. Iceland and England broke
off diplomatic relations in 1976.
What dispute caused the split?
Do you know?
20 seconds.
Dude, come on, Eli,
set yourself free, man.
Ten seconds.
Cod? Cod!
That is... right!
It's unbelievable. Harvard goes
down! Harvard goes down!
The Whittman Warring Hares are this year's
champions of the Collegiate Mastermind.
We did it, you guys, we...
Oh, my god.
You are the greatest
unbelievable ever now!
Go to the league office and tell
them we're getting the shaft.
They wrote a whole rule book
for moments like this.
How many stitches did you get?
Can I take them out
when they're ready?
Nice brain.
- You see this brain?
- Yeah.
My left ball is bigger
than this brain.
That's why you're so artistic.
Shauna, get in the picture.
Yeah, Shauna.
Yo, Pettifog, tell us how
awesome we are!
Stop, stop, I'll do the speech.
I'll do a speech.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I, uh... I'm afraid I have some unpleasant
business regarding today's final.
According to Rule 324 of the
book of Collegiate Mastermind...
An injured player cannot be replaced with
less than one minute remaining in a match.
The team must complete the match
with two players.
Today Whittman College broke
that rule.
I'm sorry to have to tell you
that Harvard College...
is this year's Collegiate
Mastermind champion.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
We all know what happened today.
We beat Harvard fair and square.
But they stole it from us.
Do you know why?
Because they fear us.
We're the beautiful bums.
We're the people's champions.
So let us be history's secret.
Are you sure I can do this?
I'm not even a student yet.
Don't worry, you're with me.
Ring it.
Where's he going?
Let's go down.
Hey, Leo! Where are you going?
Going back to being a civilian.
You're not a civilian.
Gonna get a job. I'm gonna pay
for my daughter's education.
And I'm going to find an
age-appropriate fox, and I mean that.
It's been a pleasure
making bad decisions with you.
I'll miss you, too.
Take care. Cut your hair.
Please don't cut your hair.
Of course, I won't.
It protects my brain.
What did you say?
Excuse me.
Uh, Miss?
What do you think the future
of this Whittman team will be?
I think the sky
is the limit for these...
for these fine...
fine, young kids.
I think I see a lot of,
uh, big jobs in their future.
I see maybe perhaps a couple
internet start-ups.
I see a Nobel Prize or two.
I see some... some... some, uh...
I see some... some trash
collecting work.
Some of them, obviously, they're
not gonna excel like the others.
Some of them
were injured too much.
They're gonna waste it. There's
gonna be some drug problems.
But by and large, I see a lot
of these kids making it big...
if they don't,
you know, hit the pipe.
Well, that's all
from Poughkeepsie.
You keep learning, America.
You do it.