Half Magic (2018) Movie Script

WOMAN: Danny, don't splash me!
Stop. I'm getting wet.
-MAN: That's the idea.
-WOMAN: Stop it.
-Hi, sweetie.
MAN: Oh, come on!
Come on,
let's go back to my place.
WOMAN: Maybe we should wait.
MAN: Wait, schmait!
These two people
are not married,
and they're going
to have premarital sex.
You could go to hell for that.
All right, that's it.
You're not allowed
to watch this show anymore.
It inspires urges that are...
-wrong and bad.
-WOMAN: Let's go to your place.
MAN: Groovy!
You could go to hell
for those urges.
In hell, there is a fire
that will lap at you
for all eternity.
You gotta decide...
Do you want to go to heaven,
or do you wanna go to hell?
Yeah. You a bad girl? Huh?
You a bad girl?
-I'm a bad girl.
You're a dirty little slut, huh?
Dirty little slut,
-Um, yes.
Say it. Say you're a dirty slut.
-I'm a dirty slut.
-Yeah, you're a dirty slut!
Oh. Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm.
Why do you always call me
a dirty little slut?
Come on. You love it.
I like having sex on a bed.
Is this because maybe
you're, uh, you're jealous
that I'm more successful
than you?
-MAN: Mr. Brock,
we're ready for you onstage.
Peter, you have been in one
great movie after another.
Walk me through your process.
How do you prepare for this?
I tell you,
I play a lot of action heroes.
and in those-- in those movies,
I have heavy artillery.
I have guns,
I have a gun on me right now.
Not physically,
in the physical sense.
I put it on the table earlier.
It's right here.
Imagine it, okay?
-It's an emotional gun for me.
This gun's here...
all the time.
Sometimes I put it in my pocket,
sometimes I put it in my...
That's how I prepare.
I'm always ready.
I'm always the action hero.
Bang! Not real.
But real.
-MAN: Uh--
-I'll do it.
Don't do it.
I won't do it.
You've been doing this
for years, and years and years.
Certainly, you've heard some
of the talk on the streets.
People say that Peter is
just a tough guy,
a hard guy to work with.
How do you respond to that?
Yeah, Napoleon died exiled
on an island of-- of leprosy.
That's-- that's true.
-That's history.
-MAN: Yeah.
Jesus died on the cross,
you know?
Um, visionaries die
sometimes quicker
than non-visionaries.
You're a visionary?
PETER: Thank you.
But I'm not saying--
-Oh, you're asking. I think...
-It was a question.
...um, I think that's up
for kinda the press to decide,
and I think that bloggers,
and people
who write physical magazines
have said I was a-- a visionary.
People have--
have tweeted me about that.
You know,
you made Bros Before Hos.
Why don't you make
the female version?
I-- I wrote a great script.
It's called Chicks Before Dicks.
-Did you read it?
-Uh, look, Boo Boo,
you have all the talent.
You really do.
And I'm the one
that discovered you
and gave you
your big break, right?
-Yeah, I promoted you
-to be my D girl, right?
-I want to be a writer.
I know you want to be a writer,
and in due time.
Really. Your writing is great.
It's fresh and very unique.
But you're bogging yourself down
talking about stupid shit.
You know what? You--
Nobody wants to hear about
women's stories, all right?
If you want to make a film,
you got to talk about a man.
You gotta write about a man.
That's what you have to do.
Well, can you read my script?
It's called The Year of My Yoni.
It's about a woman
who goes on a spiritual quest
to find happiness
and to learn about her yoni.
Yoni? I don't even know
what that is.
Is that, like, a new way
of saying "vagina"?
It sounds like a porno.
I'm not into it.
Look, a guy
bashing another guy's skull in
with a baseball bat,
that's what sells.
Well, I could change the title
to The Ultra-Violent Yoni.
You know, that's a good start.
You could put more violence
in your script,
that'd definitely get
a better chance
of getting it made. Um,
on my end, I'm gonna put
more female characters
-in my next script.
Yeah, uh,
it's called Kill the Sluts.
Uh, I'm gonna pick a title
that's more PC
a little bit later.
That's a working title.
But basically, uh,
the movie's about this crazy
psychopathic killer
that goes on a killing rampage
and kills
all these teenage sluts.
But the only person
that he can't kill
is an 18-year-old virgin.
Don't you think that'll send
out a weird message to women
and teenage girls about sex?
And those women
might grow up
and have a lot of issues.
I'm not saying
I'm against women's rights.
I'm just saying that
there's no market
for their films.
-WOMAN: Hello!
-Welcome, goddess!
Is this your first time?
-I guess so.
-Are you ready
to uncover your deepest desires
and join
the pleasure revolution?
-HONEY: I don't know.
-That's good enough for now.
You are in exactly
the right place.
-ROXY: Yes! Welcome!
Fear! So what?
Failure! So what?
WOMAN: My pussy is strong!
My pussy is strong!
My pussy is a genius!
ALL: My pussy is a genius!
We must listen to our pussies.
ALL: We must listen
to our pussies.
Ladies, I would now like
to introduce you
to a dear friend of mine,
my mentor,
-Dr. Christiane Northrup!
-What a pleasure.
-Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
All right...
I have something...
really magical to tell you.
I love my breasts.
Say it with me.
ALL: I love my breasts.
I love your breasts, too, Chris.
-And I love yours. Thank you.
-Oh, thank you.
Now it is time to honor
the breasts of the women
in the room.
I would like you to turn
to the person next to you,
and look at her breasts
and say,
"Your bodacious ta-tas honor
me and they honor you."
Find-- everybody find
a partner, please.
Excuse me, could you--
could you be my partner?
-WOMAN: Yes, sure.
Hi! I don't have a partner.
Is it possible we could do
a three-way?
I've never done a three-way.
This is my third time
taking the class.
First time...
I liked my boobs.
Second time, I loved my boobs.
[WHISPERING] I really, really
love my boobs.
Yeah. This is a powerful
exercise to release the shame
that we carry
in our sexual organs.
Okay! [SIGHS]
Your bodacious ta-tas honor me
and they honor you.
Your bodacious ta-tas honor me
and they honor you.
Your bodacious ta-tas honor me
and they honor you.
Wow! This is my first
lesbian experience.
I didn't know I had it in me.
Okay. I--
are you Eva St. Claire
the designer?
-Wow, I'm--
Why are you in this class?
You seem so together.
Believe me...
I have issues.
WOMAN: That is now the end
of the class
for the Divine
Feminine Workshop.
We will be meeting next week
to worship
-and decorate our pussies.
WOMAN: Thank you.
[ALL CHANTING] Pussy! Pussy!
Pussy! Pussy!
This class changed my life.
This class,
my color-therapy workshops,
and my past-life
regression conferences.
-What's color therapy?
It's about how certain colors
make you feel.
That sounds helpful.
Do you guys want to come
to the place where I work?
I cast magical spells to make
your dreams come true.
I'm a hope-ologist.
-What's a hope-ologist?
-I just made that word up.
Isn't it awesome?
I believe in the religion
of hope, or hope-ology.
I just made that up, too!
I just spent an hour
singing about my pussy,
so why the hell not?
Yeah, I mean, it's either that
or going home
to think about how much
I hate myself,
-so let's do it.
-Let's do it!
Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh
Ah-ooh sha-ba-lum
This place is really cool.
CANDY: Okay.
what do you want to wish for?
-How does it work?
I carve these candles
and cast spells on them.
I don't know
if it's positive intention
or creative visualization
or actual magic,
but these spells work
for a lot of people.
Some of my regulars
call me The Witch.
-What kind of spells?
-Oh! All kinds.
Some for serious stuff, like
for love, or work and stuff,
but some fun ones, too, like,
"I want my own unicorn."
They aren't magical.
They're overpriced candles
for rich idiots
who got nothing better to do.
Your paycheck's on my desk.
Can you take out the trash
while you're at it?
I don't want
the rats getting in there.
Sorry, Mr. J.
Did Mr. Fun Time
just call us idiots?
What an asshole.
I think some people
just don't have
enough imagination.
I think you should go first.
[SIGHS] Okay. Um, hmm.
Well, I want to have hot sex
with someone
who's really nice to me. [SIGHS]
Hot sex. Yes. Give it to me!
I want that, too.
I want to not fall asleep
during sex.
I want to be awake.
I want to be...
an active part of it.
-Okay, I want in. I want in!
I'm gonna use the red candle
for passion.
you hold the candle
and you think
about what you want
to release from your life,
and then
think about what you want.
Picture the hot sex.
All right.
I want to have
the hottest sex I've ever had
with someone
who's really nice to me.
And so mote it be.
It's witch talk
for "and so shall it be."
Witch talk.
I like it.
You guys, I really just want
my ex-husband back.
[SIGHS] I don't need hot sex.
I mean, like...
room-temperature-warm sex
would be nice
for me. Here we go.
-And so mote it be.
And so mote it be.
I want hot sex with Daniel.
-So mote it be.
-So mote it be.
Okay, I don't know
if all of this is BS,
but I actually feel better.
Oh, my God, I'm invited
to a fun party tonight!
Do you guys want to go with me?
-CANDY: Yeah!
I got the light
I got the light
I got the light
I got the light
I got the light
I got the light
-CANDY: Oh, my God.
-Wait for it.
I got the light
Oh, yeah! Here we go.
Oh, my God! Amazing!
I got the light
EVA: Oh, my God.
I got the light
I got the light
-EVA: Hi!
-It's so good to see you, babe.
Good to see you, too.
And who is your gorgeous friend?
EVA: Oh, uh...
Honey, this is Freedom.
He's a great artist.
He does
these cool light installations.
-HONEY: Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
I would really love to show you
my art installations.
I would love
to see your art installations.
Yeah, I'd really love to dance
with you right now.
I got the light
I got the light
I got the light
Oh I got the light
-Want to get something to eat?
I-- I can't, 'cause I have
to get up early tomorrow,
and I have a boyfriend.
What's that?
"No one...
can take away the dance."
-It's a Spanish saying.
No matter what happens,
we'll always have
this wonderful night...
and our dance.
Thanks for your jacket.
That was fun.
I got the light
I got the light
I got the light
-The dance lives forever.
FREEDOM: Dance lives forever!
I got the light
- I got the light
- I got the light
- I got the light
- All of the way
I got the light
This is what I want to happen.
I want the slut
to have an orgasm,
and when she has an orgasm
I want the killer to come up
behind her
and just stab her
in the ass, okay?
I want there to be
a lot of blood in this scene.
Like, almost too much,
where you're like...
But--but a lot, but, like--
but, like, almost too much.
I also want there
to be very good dialogue,
And that's where you come in.
So I want the character to say
something cool, like,
"Fuck you, bitch! Fuck you!"
"Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you."
Got it.
Do whatever you want to do,
but that.
I'm sick of watching women
get stabbed in movies. [SIGHS]
I think it's a great idea,
Peter. I love all your ideas.
So much.
Excuse me, but why does
the woman who enjoys sex
always have to die
in horror films?
Maybe she could fight back.
We could work in some more
nudity that way.
What if the slut fights
the killer
and every orgasm
she has makes her stronger.
[CHUCKLES] That's funny.
I think
we should at least try it.
Well, you know what, John?
I would try that,
but I-- I can't-- I actually--
I think that that's probably
the worst fucking idea
I've ever heard
in my entire life,
so I probably can't do that one.
I like sluts.
Why do they all have to die?
I mean, nobody kills male sluts
in movies.
I like sluts, too.
Who doesn't like sluts?
Maybe one should live.
Well... Linda, the thing is,
you already approved
-the draft that I wrote, so--
-Who are you?
I'm a development person.
Well, yeah, she was
my old assistant until recently
I promoted her into development
before I realized
what an angry feminist she is.
She's also a writer.
Actually, a really good writer.
Well, we all write.
I want to be a writer.
I'm the young assistant.
-All right,
well, you know,
that's confusing,
but I like this idea.
I think we should explore it.
-Yeah, Linda, but I think--
-Peter, I gave you final cut.
No studio's gonna
offer you that. The slut lives.
Old assistant person,
I would like you and John
to work on the next draft.
Get it to me when you're done.
-PETER: Linda, if I could just--
LINDA: Yeah, I have
an appointment in St. Barts
later today.
Excuse me,
but what the hell was that?
Well, when we started
working together,
you said you liked my ideas.
It embarrasses me to think
about the idiotic films
that you want to make.
Thought it was a good idea.
Better than a guy
stabbing a girl in the ass.
Sex and violence
is a proven formula
that makes a profit.
Well, what about...
sex and happiness?
You're embarrassing yourself!
What are you talking about?
I want to break up.
PETER: What? Really?
You want to break up with--
with me?
Do you have any idea
how many girls want to sleep
with me right now,
huh? So many.
I'm Peter Brock, okay?
Well, why don't you go have sex
with them?
Yeah, maybe I--
maybe I will, okay?
But, no, you know what?
rewind. I break up with you.
Before what you said,
I break up with you
before you said you break up
with me.
It was my idea.
Great idea.
I'm Peter Brock. Look at this.
Look at all--
There's three posters here.
More-- I--
There's some behind the door
I didn't even hang up.
You are my honey bunny.
Come here.
You are my honey bunny.
Get me a coffee.
but he sounds like a wanker.
Why work for him?
Well, it's hard to find work
in the movie business.
-It's a man's world. [SIGHS]
well, yeah. Huh?
Do you like eating
with your hands?
Um, I don't know.
Mm. You know, you can
just feel the food, you know?
Sometimes I just want to eat
like a dog.
Yeah, I just want to put
my face in there, yeah?
[GROANS] Mm-mm!
Come on, try it.
Oh, it's so good. Give it a go.
-Come on.
-Oh, no, it's okay.
Come on. You've got to try this.
Come on.
-Mm. Yum.
-Yeah? Right?
-Delicious. [CHUCKLES]
It's straight from the plate
to your face.
it's so much better this way.
It is, absolutely.
I'm gonna join you down here.
Mm! Oh, it's so good! Mm!
CANDY: [PANTING] I love you.
MAN: I love you.
You know I don't...
want a relationship, right?
You knew that, though, right?
-That's just... That's just...
-[LAUGHS] Wait.
Well, aren't we already
actually having a relationship?
-I mean...
-I mean, if you wanna--
...we've been dating
for two years
and you just told me
you loved me.
Oh, Yeah, well, you know, I--
Yeah, I love you, you know, I--
I love you as a sister,
you know, as a friend, and...
as-- as a sexual partner, uh...
as-- as a fellow human being,
you know?
But I think we should just find
a new and better way to--
to do relationships.
-You know?
Oh. Shit. Babe, I got to--
I got to go, actually,
'cause I have a... I just--
I just got a crazy week.
Oh, can I also, uh--
Babe, can I-- can I leave that,
uh, my laundry here and, uh...
get it on Thursday?
You want me to do your laundry
while you date other women?
That's... I mean, that would
be really insensitive
if we were
in some old-fashioned,
you know, closed-minded...
but since we're not, you know,
we're-- we're, uh,
we're not confining ourselves
to societal norms,
then I think--
I think it's fine. Yeah.
All right.
Hey. Um, me again. Listen,
I was just gonna say
why don't you just ignore
those previous voicemails, okay?
Because... [SIGHS]
here's-- here's the real truth,
Let's get honest.
I am great.
I'm great. I'm so great.
And I'm super-happy for you
and Chandra.
And here's the thing,
I'm so happy!
I'm so happy and I'm great.
Like, if great were people,
I'd be, like, fucking--
Where is there a lot of people?
Beijing? I'm fucking Beijing.
That's how great I am.
So I saved one of your messages
that you left me,
you know,
right when you were, like,
"Hey, by the way,
I'm fucking a 19-year-old."
It's such a great message.
It's so amazing.
I'm so glad you told me things
on a voicemail.
You are so brave.
And by "brave," I mean, like,
you're a fucking idiot.
I just wanted you to know that.
I saved it,
and I play it for my friends.
And we laugh and laugh.
And then I tell them
about your weird dick.
And I'm fucking naked.
And I have on-- [GROANS]
I have on those...
high-heel, like,
fuck-me pumps that you love.
Oh, yeah, I'm naked.
Mm. You know what else?
Remember that time you told me
to squeeze your dick really hard
at the base of it?
I'm fucking doing that...
and you don't--
Yeah, and it's awesome.
So, baby, call me.
'Cause I could suck your cock.
I really think
you should come over,
'cause I might do
something bad to myself.
Oh, my God, I might do
something so bad, and then...
I mean, I don't know
what I would do,
but it would be bad,
and then you would feel guilty,
like, for the rest of your life.
I can't wait to hear from you.
This is amazing.
-Is this all your art?
-Oh, yeah.
our society is sick, yeah?
[SIGHS] It's no wonder
the Earth is dying,
'cause the culture sends
its message, yeah?
Join the rat race. Make money.
Be a winner,
otherwise you're nothing.
It's read Us Weekly.
Drink the Kool-Aid.
Fuck that shit.
I'm my own man. I mean,
sure, got to make money.
But I don't let them own me
by seeking their approval, yeah?
I'm free. [GASPS]
Why I chose the name Freedom.
I don't go to exercise classes,
you know?
I do my own thing.
Why follow the man?
I create my own moves
I don't need someone
to give them to me. [CHUCKLES]
Well, yoga exercises
are thousands of years old
for a reason. They really work.
Why don't you let the man
out of you?
Why don't you go your own way...
instead of trying
to please people?
Are you gonna keep doing
those moves?
Oh, yeah.
Are you in there?
Fuck-me pumps, huh?
EVA: Uh, they're upstairs.
You want me to get them?
No. That's okay.
I took them off
'cause they hurt my feet.
-You put on the sweats.
I was worried, obviously.
So many messages.
You were worried about me?
Well... 14 messages
and some suicide threats.
I never said suicide. I said,
"Maybe something bad."
And that you would die alone.
You're not gonna die alone.
But if you do...
it's because of doing things
like this.
You look really nice.
Thank you. I'm gonna go.
It's Chandra's birthday.
We're doing a thing.
[GASPS] It's her birthday?
Oh, wait,
I have a question for you.
-Like, where was Chandra...
when I was putting you
through art school?
Oh, my God! That's right!
Here comes the flood.
-Oh, my God!
-Here it is.
-She was in kindergarten. Yay!
-We are doing this.
Well, guess what, Eva,
I could never keep up with you,
'cause all you ever cared about
was money.
You're a fucking liar,
because I don't care
about money.
I put you through art school.
You're just like... What?
What do you even do
for a living?
You drive a douchebag car.
I wanted a much douchier car
than that.
That was the one
we could afford.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
I don't like you right now.
I love you...
somewhat. But right now...
I don't think
you would like you, either,
'cause you're being horrible...
and you look...
I just wanted to have a baby!
Okay. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
-Hi. Hi.
-Don't, don't, don't.
No, don't make it a thing.
Don't make it a thing.
Oh, my God,
you smell so weird.
-You smell so good.
-No, just don't.
Don't humiliate yourself
anymore than you have, okay?
You smell like...
-I don't know, like, lavender--
-Okay. Just stop. Just stop.
Don't embarrass yourself...
-You don't embarrass yourself,
buddy. You settle down.
-What's happening down there?
-Don't. Don't.
-We're not.
-[SIGHS] Okay.
Brew up some coffee.
Don't. Please.
I care very deeply
about you without loving you.
Throw up, go to sleep,
take a shower.
I already threw up.
[SOBBING] I love you so much.
Bye. Thank you for coming!
The only reason a man
and a woman
should have carnal knowledge
of each other...
is to create a child.
Any other physical union
between a man and a woman...
is a sin.
And sins are punishable
by hellfire and damnation.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-You will go to hell!
-HONEY: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. [MOANING]
You all right?
-Did I just say that out loud?
It felt so good.
It felt like
I was doing something wrong.
I'm fucked up.
I don't think you're fucked up.
-You don't?
I think you're divine.
Divinity itself...
in a physical form.
I thought I knew what sex
and orgasms were before,
but I did not.
I feel like I understand
the meaning of life now,
and the meaning of life
is to have as much sex
as possible with this guy
over and over again.
Oh! Great sex!
it makes you do stupid things.
I feel like I tried
to please the guy so much before
that I never, like,
really got off.
Darren would just... [SIGHS]
jam it in there
without a lot of warm-up.
And that was
on the rare occasions
that he could get it up. [SIGHS]
This is your ex?
You know what? People say
they want to hear the truth,
but they don't. They just want
to be, like, "Oh, poor Eva.
Did you hear
Eva's husband cheated on her?"
Here's the truth,
I supported him financially
for 14 years.
That emasculated him.
Oh, poor guy.
So then he got
erectile dysfunction. "Oh, wah"
So then he had to go
fuck a 21-year-old,
so he could feel
like a man again!
He's not worthy of you,
'cause you're great.
Thank you.
I feel like I have
to do everything
the guy says or he'll leave me.
Like, I've been dating this guy
for two years,
pretending the entire time
like I don't know
he's dating other girls.
You need to ask him
for what you want. Just say,
"I only want you to see me."
Or date other men
and flaunt them in front of him.
Yeah, but I only want him.
God, why are we sitting around
talking about how sad
our lives are?
Why do women do that?
You know, you're right.
We should be talking about
how great we are,
and if someone gives us
a compliment, we should say,
-"Thank you. It's true."
You start.
-And give myself a compliment?
-HONEY: Yeah.
Yeah, just do it.
Okay. Um...
I think I'm more attractive
than I thought
'cause-- All right,
well, there's this guy
at the coffee cart on the beach.
He asks me out all the time.
He's super-attractive,
and he's 28
[SCREAMS] You should go for it.
Really? Move over.
There's a new skank in town.
I think I'm gonna tell my man
that I'm not gonna do
his laundry.
So there!
'Cause I am super hot,
and he should feel lucky
to tap that ass.
So he better behave.
Yeah. He should do your laundry.
Yeah, you are so hot.
Like, really hot.
Thank you. It's true.
Okay, your turn.
Okay. [SIGHS]
I'm not a dirty slut.
Having sex with me
is a religious experience.
Yeah, it is.
-I want a new candle.
-Oh, I brought the love candle.
-Thank you.
So sweet.
You know,
we talk about pleasing men,
but what about pleasing us?
You know what we should say?
"Get down there and lick it.
Lick it."
-Lick it.
Darren never licked it.
I think I'm due.
Lick it!
I like it.
Lick it.
Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh
I want to see Freedom again.
I want love and hot sex.
Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh
Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh
I hope you don't think
I'm easy.
Why would I think you're easy?
'Cause we had sex
on the first date.
I think it's weird
not to have sex
on the first date.
Hey, do you want to go back
to my place and get stoned?
Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh
One second.
-Want a hit?
-I don't really smoke.
-Oh, come on. Just one.
You all right?
-You okay?
-Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
When we were together...
could you feel that energy
going back...
and forth between our souls?
-It felt amazing.
-Yeah. Yeah.
I don't think we even need
to talk, yeah?
Can't you just...
-feel what I'm thinking?
I don't think so.
I bet you can, yeah?
Can you feel it now?
-Couldn't you just tell me?
-No, no, no.
What about now?
I'm the most wonderful person
you've ever met?
All I could ever need
Is you and I
And all I could ever want
All I could ever see
All I could ever want
All I could ever need
Is you...
Oh I choose
And all I could ever want
All I could ever need
Is you...
WOMAN: You have never done
anything wrong.
Sex is sacred and beautiful.
All I could ever need
Is you...
What if all the sluts
had mind-blowing orgasms?
Only when they're empowered
by their orgasms
can they defeat the evil mutant.
Empowered sluts. I like that.
That's-- that's provocative.
You think we can get that past
the ratings board?
Hey, guys, uh,
sorry, I just downloaded
this new app.
It detects shitty movie ideas,
and it literally led me
right here.
let me know if you have
any real movie ideas
that we can turn
into actual movies.
Okay. Bye.
Love that guy.
Oh, I wanted to say, um,
I-- I read your script,
uh, about the Afghan woman
who fights for the right
to divorce her husband.
That was strong.
How did you get a copy of that?
I got connects.
You know what I'm saying?
Peter wanted me
to, uh, write coverage.
Oh, I thought he read that one.
Well, I don't know.
He's a busy guy.
But I really love the scene
where Afshan says, um,
"This is my woman part
to do with what I want."
-That was pretty intense.
-You really liked it?
-Yeah, it was powerful.
I want love.
And so mote it be.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Hi, um, I'll just take
a regular coffee, please. Um,
I'm just looking for this guy.
I think he works here.
I don't know his name,
but he's 28.
I know, 28. I know. I know.
I know what you're thinking.
Do you know
who I'm talking about?
-MAN: No.
-MARK: Hi!
Oh, my God.
Oh, it's been so long.
How are you?
Good. I'm okay. Yeah.
How's Darren?
We got a divorce.
He didn't tell you?
Uh, yeah, I... I heard.
Uh, Rebecca and I got divorced,
I'm so sorry.
No, actually, it's for the best.
Plus we have
two beautiful daughters,
five and ten, so no regrets.
-Don't you want to get a coffee?
yeah, yeah.
That's what I'm here for.
-What are you doing right now?
You want to go for a walk,
catch up a little?
Yeah, I'd really like that.
I was making dresses
in my kitchen,
and then just, boom!
You know?
That's amazing.
I'm sorry to hear
about your divorce. Uh...
-I feel like such a failure.
-Oh, don't say that.
I just wish
we would've had kids,
you know, like you guys,
but we were
never on the same page
with that.
Eva, you are in no way
a failure.
You're a huge, huge success
in every way.
Thank you. It's true.
"Thank you. It's true."
I like that.
Did you know
I left the law firm?
Yeah, you know,
grew the hair out,
stopped shaving...
opened a restaurant.
No way!
You always told me I should.
Remember that night
I made the panna cotta
-with the aged balsamico?
I had, like, a food orgasm
over that dessert.
[CHUCKLES] Yes, you did.
You're amazing.
Thank you.
It's true.
I feel a little lost in my life.
-You know?
I don't know, like,
why am I a success?
I mean,
is it because I make dresses?
yeah, I suppose
everybody would say that,
but, uh, personally?
You're just good to be around.
I'm always happy
when I'm near you.
That is crazy-sweet.
And you are crazy-beautiful.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, wait.
Oh, my God! What-- what?
I've had a crush on you
for 14 years.
Really? Why? [CHUCKLES]
Wait, wait, wait.
What-- what, uh,
what are we do--
what are we doing? Because I--
I haven't been with anyone
-since my husband--
Um-- I would like
to keep my clothes on.
If you just--
Uh... God, you're--
Um-- Oh, my God! Wait!
Wait a second! That's--
Oh, my God! [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God!
You're so good at this!
I've wanted to do this
since I met you.
That's what you were thinking
the whole time...
when we met at Walmart?
Are you kidding me?
-That's kind of weird.
Thank you for telling me,
'cause I was, like, thinking,
"Oh, nice guy at Walmart.
He-- he buys, like,
stuff in bulk. I get it."
Oh. Uh... Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
And I then was, like,
"Hey, you drive a Prius.
And that's cool.
You know, cool person."
Hey, what-- what--
Just slow down on
that bottom part. Oh, my God.
Shut up.
I'm gonna stop talking now.
I'm not gonna talk anymore.
I'm not gonna talk anymore.
You're, like,
really good at this.
Oh, God. Wait,
I didn't groom. I didn't groom!
Ah! Okay, okay, no, actually,
I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with it. Never mind.
Don't listen to me. Don't stop.
Don't stop. [GIGGLING]
I want love.
Do you have, uh, that bag?
I'm doing that lecture
on techno-social wormholes
downtown, and they're, uh--
they're gonna put it
on YouTube.
Isn't that great?
I didn't have time
to do your laundry.
if you want to be with me,
you can't date anybody else.
Have you noticed that I'm great?
'Cause you don't treat me
that way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where's all this coming from?
It's coming from me.
But you were fine
with everything a few days ago.
I take care of you.
When are you gonna take care
of me?
Relationships are hard for me.
My parents got divorced.
Oh, God! Stop it!
Stop using that as an excuse
for everything!
My family was fucked up, too!
Let it go!
I don't really like your tone
of voice right now, honestly.
You need to figure that out.
Uh, well, those don't look
very clean to me.
They're very dirty.
Extremely dirty.
-And smelly!
-Babe, seriously?
You know, you're gonna--
you're gonna
regret this tomorrow.
And-- and when you do,
you can call me, okay?
When you are ready to treat me
like the amazing person I am,
you call me!
I won't be calling you.
Take that!
I was gonna wear this.
I was gonna wear this.
Now it's even more dirty.
It's more dirty now.
And, uh, where am I gonna
clean these?
Do you have a place?
Okay, you know what? Thank you.
Thank you. That's great.
Okay, we'll-- we'll talk.
The guy shows her the beauty
of her own soul
through sexuality,
and then she defeats the killer.
-Hmm. Well, I'm not sure
how to fit that
into a teenage slasher film,
but I like the challenge.
I'm gonna get cracking on it.
PETER: Don't shoot the dinosaur.
He's on your side.
What are you guys doing?
We're working on a video game
based on the film.
Yeah, it's really gonna
boost our profits on this one.
Peter came up with it
all by himself.
The goal of the game
is to build up your empire...
-This is my idea.
-...and kill as many sluts
and douchebags
that get in your way.
That's is my idea.
Once you reach
the higher levels,
-you'll meet a virgin...
-This is my idea.
-...with special powers.
-My idea. My idea.
Every time you see a slut,
-you can kill her...
-That's my idea.
-...and get the points.
-My idea.
Sometimes I like to shoot her
in the boobs or crotch area.
-The last one was his idea.
-Boom! That slut went down!
-So what do you think?
I think it's really disturbing
and it makes me want to, like,
vomit in my mouth.
Hey, man, I need you
to go through the video game
and make sure
that all of the girls,
under their shirts, you can see
their erect nipples.
-I need you to do that for me.
-Great idea!
So smart.
Look, The script
that John and I are writing
is a totally different story.
Yeah, I know, and thank God
it's a different story,
because your script sucked shit,
and this video game
is going to sell like Molly
to a girl that doesn't talk
to her parents that much, okay?
I need you to be on
nipple supervision, all right?
You got to go through
the video game and make sure
that every girl's nipples
are erect, okay?
We're gonna go
for the only demographic
that matters,
and that's teenage boys.
Well, that's ridiculous
because John and I
are writing a great script.
I'm sorry. That app is going off
that I downloaded.
It keeps going off
when people say stupid shit.
Uh, let me fix this.
Turn it off.
[CLEARS THROAT] You want to know
what men really get off on?
The conquest, okay?
Look, I'm a hunter.
We're hunters. We're men.
I'm a man. I'm a hunter, okay?
I hunted you. I got you.
I found you.
I kept you for a little bit,
and then I got bored,
and then you left and now I'm--
I'm attracted to you again,
you know? That's what works.
The plan worked, okay?
So let's just go have sex
in my office.
Everything you have is...
Turn your fucking head.
What's your... What's your name?
You're the whitest guy
in the world,
and his name's fucking Demarcus.
Hey, I'm DeShawn.
every-- everything you have
is because of me.
But I want to be a writer.
Can you just make sure
you supervise
all the nipples, please?
That's what I need from you.
That is, if you want to get
a paycheck, big boobs.
"I want to be a writer."
Mark was down there
for so long.
I wonder
what he was thinking about.
-He was thinking: Yum, yum!
I feel like guys
who won't go down on you
aren't hetero enough.
I mean, what would
they rather be doing,
sucking a cock?
This guy sounds amazing.
You can totally tell
the difference between a guy
who's into it
and a guy who's not.
I didn't even know
that I liked it that much,
but I haven't had sex
with a lot of people.
It's good if a guy's good at it.
Otherwise, it's like sandpaper
rubbing against your clitoris
while you lay in a pool
of saliva.
Well, this guy was great at it.
I think he could write
an instruction manual
-on tonguemanship.
-Did you have sex?
-I had great sex.
-I had the best sex of my life.
You guys both had great sex
and I got nothing.
Are you going out again?
I don't know.
What's the point?
-Getting head!
-The best sex of your life.
I can't. I just look better
with clothes on.
I don't want him
to see me naked.
But you let him lick
your naked vagina.
I know, but that was
just one tiny section
down there.
And-- and I had clothes on.
Plus, I work
with models all day at work,
and they're
in such great shape.
Just-- I look like crap
compared to them.
You are hot!
I don't know.
Maybe he's too nice.
I'd take nice
over mean any day.
Yeah, or commitment-phobic.
Let's make a pact
to be with good guys only.
Guys who treat us great,
like we deserve.
Yeah, good-guy pact.
Mark is so handsome.
There must be
something wrong with him.
Or maybe I just don't know
how to be with someone
who's so sexually giving,
which means I like jerks,
which also means I can't be
in the good-guy pact.
I'm gonna light a candle
for you and Mark.
Me, too. Okay.
-Don't forget the pact.
Good guys only.
-Good guys only.
-Good guys only.
-Maybe sometimes a jerk?
-No? Jerk sex?
-No jerk sex.
Oh, hey.
Um, thank you
for sending me your script,
The Red Flow.
I-- I thought it was hilarious.
-You read it?
-I loved it.
Yeah, but will it ever be made?
A movie about a girl
getting her period.
Why not?
You know, I really want
to write a script
about my new friends.
They're, like,
these modern-day witches.
They're really inspiring.
Yes, witches, girl power.
Do it.
Have you heard
about this video game
that Peter is doing?
It is so vile.
Yeah, I heard about it.
I wish I could destroy
the computers
or make my own video game
called Sluts Fight Back.
I love that. "Sluts Fight Back."
If I was technological,
I'd just put a virus
in the whole system
and I would shut it down.
well, it's funny
that you say that,
'cause I happen to be
What are you doing?
-Technological stuff.
[SIGHS] We could be fired.
Not if no one finds out.
God. [SIGHS]
-You're a genius.
you know what?
I am a freaking genius.
-That was awesome.
It was so awesome.
What are you doing now?
You wanna-- you wanna
-grab something to eat?
-Oh, I have plans.
This may or may
not change your mind,
but aside from being a genius
and a technological wizard,
I am also, um...
a really great rapper.
-Yeah, I'd love to show you
some of my hip-hop stuff.
-You ready for this?
-You sure?
-Uh, I think so.
You so ambitious
Your soul is sweet
And superstitious
Your eyes your lip
Your heart
They're breakin' records
And the dishes
Mm-mm mm-mm
Mm-mm mm-mm
This goes on for, like,
four minutes.
-Don't give up your day job.
-[LAUGHING] Come on!
-No, it was great. I loved it.
-I just wanted to do it.
-That was brave.
-I had an instinct.
Yeah, anyway, you got
the technology smarts.
-Thanks, yo.
-Word to your mother.
Word to your mother.
Tell your mother I said word.
-[CHUCKLES] See you Monday.
HONEY: Thanks for giving me
this dress.
CANDY: Ditto.
Oh, God. Okay, okay,
I don't know.
Maybe we shouldn't go.
-How do I look?
-CANDY: You look hot!
You look so hot
I want to have sex with you.
EVA: Okay, no, I just-- Oh!
Would you guys stop it?
-Stop it!
-I really wanna
-have sex with you.
-Oh, my God,
you guys are weird.
Okay, come on.
I can't do this alone. Come on.
-WOMAN: Great show.
HONEY: Does Darren have
a daughter?
No, that's his new girlfriend.
Holy shit!
-HONEY: Is that you?
-EVA: Holy shit!
Is that me?
Oh, my God.
Not entirely accurate, okay?
It's not 1984 down there.
Oh, I prefer a full bush.
-Hey. Hi.
-I'm so glad you made it.
Thanks. Thanks.
Everybody's here.
-Times is here.
L.A. Weekly. Yeah.
-Wow, well.
Your new art is really amazing,
-and interesting.
-I know. I know.
EVA: There's--
there's a lot happening...
-It's powerful stuff.
-...with all of it.
I didn't get your smile
exactly right, But,
-eh, it's still great.
Hey. Let's have dinner
on Saturday, huh?
-Cool. Text you.
Yeah, I got to go
talk to some people.
Oh, okay, sure. You're busy.
Why is he wearing
that weird hat?
I don't know.
Somebody fucked
with our system!
I can't get this image
off the screen!
I thought we were
on a closed network!
Someone hacked
into the program!
Someone with a password!
Uh, Peter, not to point fingers
or anything...
Yeah, okay, look,
I'm way ahead of you.
You're not a fucking detective,
all right?
-Did you do this?
-I can't even figure out
how to download
the software updates
-on my computer.
-That's true.
She can't fucking download
the software updates
on her computer.
-What's your name? Darrell?
-Demarcus, you're fired, dude.
-Come on, man!
You're fired, and I'm gonna get
a new nerd
to make this system
that you can't fuck with it.
Hey, you're the guy
who has "password"
as his password, man.
Well, why don't you fucking
broadcast it on Twitter, man?
You're not supposed
to tell people my password.
-I have to change it.
-I can do the password.
You don't need to do it.
I'll do it.
I'm gonna change it. Shit!
Oh, come on, man.
That sucks.
See you guys later.
You-- you haven't returned
any of my calls.
I've been thinking
about what you said.
Can you please let me in?
-I really need to talk to you.
-What do you want?
Can you--
can you please let me in?
Tell me what you want.
Look, I-- I don't know. I--
This is really hard for me
to say.
I really liked
how you bossed me around.
You know,
I didn't think I would, but...
kind of turned me on.
Are you serious?
Yeah, is that really weird?
Yeah, kinda.
Can you...
boss me around some more?
Give me ten minutes.
I want you to do my laundry!
And clean my apartment!
And then I want you to lick it!
-All right.
MARK: Eva.
-How are you?
-I'm good.
Welcome to my restaurant.
This place is incredible.
-Thank you. It's true.
Rebecca got sick
and couldn't find a sitter,
I'd like to introduce you
to my daughters.
Mary, Melinda...
-this is Eva.
-I like your outfit.
-Thank you. I make dresses.
I like princess dresses.
I could make you
a princess dress.
-Would you like that?
Can I have a dress?
-Absolutely, sweetie.
What if you guys come back
to my house after dinner?
I have lots of dresses.
We could play dress-up.
'Cause I kind of want to hang
out with these princesses.
They're pretty cool.
I'm having...
a food orgasm right now.
-Oh, yeah? Good.
-Oh, yeah. I am.
-What's an orgasm?
-Oh, oops. I'm sorry.
-Um, uh, it's, uh...
It's happiness.
-Hey. Right?
-How about some music?
-You guys look beautiful!
Let's do a fashion show.
Oh, now that sounds like fun,
right, girls?
-We're gonna have
a little catwalk.
What do you say?
Ready? Here we go.
Combination must be
All right
I feel it
EVA: Go, big sister.
I feel it
Yay! Little miss.
Go do your thing!
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
-MELINDA: Daddy, you got to go!
-Yes, Daddy!
Oh, I don't think I need
to do that, no.
Oh, I think you need to.
What is that? It looks like
a violent shoulder move.
MARY: Yay!
Let's go. Let's do it again.
Meow. Freestyle.
I'm a kitty cat.
Oh! Meow! Meow!
I'm a kitty. Work, work, work!
- I feel it
- Oh, I feel it
- Oh, I feel it
- I feel it
Oh, I feel love
Call me...
-Hi. It's me.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm just, uh, having
a few people over, yeah?
Uh, you want to come by?
Feel the music!
-FREEDOM: Yeah, all right.
-Okay, see you soon.
-MAN: One for everybody!
You in for the next round?
You-- I know you want one.
-FREEDOM: Mm-hmm.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
I'm so glad you called.
-You want a bump?
-Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't do drugs.
I'm a lightweight. [CHUCKLES]
-Do you want to dance, yeah?
-HONEY: Sure.
Hey. I took too much
of this tonight. You want some?
-Yeah, thank you. Yeah.
-Yeah. Hey!
Mm. Try that?
-No, thanks. [CHUCKLES]
You know, I've been thinking
about you a lot.
-You have?
Why haven't you called?
Well, look in my eyes.
Tell me what I'm thinking.
[CHUCKLES] Um, I don't know.
No, no! [CHUCKLES]
Talk to me.
How do you feel?
-I like you.
-You do?
I love you.
I love you, yeah?
Don't you know that?
Can't you tell?
Sometimes I can't talk
unless I'm wasted.
Yeah, I get scared.
I'm gonna talk to you now,
I love you.
Oh, I love you. [CHUCKLES]
Do you see it in my eyes?
Yeah, can you feel it?
I love you.
-[CHUCKLES] I love you.
-I love you. Mm. Mm.
I love you!
-I love you!
-I love--
Oh, whoa.
My heart's beating really fast.
-Have you got a Valium?
[PANTING] Xanax?
No, it's all right. I'll just
talk to my heart, yeah?
I'll make it come down, yeah.
Do you want me
to turn the music off?
No, no, no, it's fine.
No, I can...
I can do it. Yeah,
I can make it.
Make it calm down.
-Do you want to have sex?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe, babe.
Sorry. That hurts, yeah?
I've never felt
that way before...
-the way you made me feel.
Sex is beautiful.
I didn't have to feel bad
about it.
I felt really good
about myself.
No, that's great, babe, but...
I don't think
I can have sex right now.
Oh, God, I hope
I don't have to go
to the emergency room again.
Oh, my God!
CANDY: And then I made him
lick it!
And he did the whole alphabet
for 45 minutes.
I looked at the clock.
-Oh, my God!
CANDY: I know!
And then I made him
do my laundry.
Now I have the power.
Did you ask him
if he's seeing the other girls?
Oh, God! No, I forgot! Ugh!
Well, maybe your power
isn't very powerful,
because you got him off,
and you didn't get
what you wanted.
CANDY: My power's very powerful.
Why don't you ask
for what you want?
[SIGHS] I try to talk to him,
but it's, like...
Ah! Nothing comes out.
What is wrong with me?
I mean, I can talk to you guys,
but I cannot talk to him.
It's like when I'm around him,
I just...
He makes me so nervous
that I'm not myself.
I'm like a unicorn.
Everyone knows
you can't see a unicorn
unless you believe in them.
It's like he can't see how...
magic I really am.
Everyone can see it.
It's super obvious.
What if I ask him
for what I want...
and he leaves me?
You should try.
Sometimes I don't even know
what I want.
I think you're being too hard
on yourself.
what candle did you bring?
The white candle.
For healing.
We all say...
"I wish
to remove anything negative
from my life."
ALL: I wish
to remove anything negative
from my life.
And so mote it be.
Oh, and I wish for a unicorn.
Are you dating other women?
Why are you talking
in that weird voice?
I'm trying to sound powerful.
I thought that's what
turned you on last time.
Yeah, it turned me on
that you asked
for what you wanted.
I just never knew
what you were thinking before
because you just always agreed
with everything I said.
Well, I don't agree
with a lot of things you say!
Maybe listen to me for once!
Stop dating other women!
Are you dating other women?
Well, there are two other women
that I sometimes see.
Pick me and only me.
I'll think about it.
And then she uncovers
her true erotic nature
and defeats the killer
inside herself,
which is really
her own self-limiting beliefs.
Wow, that sounds like
a real blockbuster.
Well, actually, I-- I do think
it has potential to be
a real blockbuster,
because what we've done here
is we've-- we've satisfied
the demands of the genre
while also creating
something truly original.
Oh, sorry, man.
I almost fell asleep
with what you're saying,
'cause it's boring as shit.
Hey, do you want to have sex
in the bathroom,
or do you want to reject me
like my own mother did, huh?
Why did you break up
with me? Huh?
Why did you break up with me?
All I wanted to do was love you,
and mentor you, and help you
achieve your true potential.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say.
I hate
that you're not into me.
It makes me so much more
attracted to you.
And I thought you were
desperate and too old
to bear children
without birth defects.
Oh, that's so out of line.
I'm so relieved
that you find me attractive,
but when can Linda read
the script that we wrote?
I don't want you speaking
directly to Linda anymore,
okay? And here's another piece
of advice for you,
uh, your boobs are too big,
They're too big
and they're flopping around,
and they make you look
like a bimbo, all right?
You look like a dummy.
That's why your directing career
hasn't gotten off the ground
'cause you look
like a big-boobied dummy.
Well, that's great advice.
Should I cut my boobs off
-so I can seem smarter?
you shouldn't cut
your boobs off, okay?
But what you could do is,
you could mash them down
a little bit. You could take--
You know what you could do?
You could Saran Wrap them, okay?
I do it to my dick
when I'm on vacation in France.
I got a big dick
and it fucking goes right here
and I tape it here.
My bodacious ta-tas honor me
and they honor you.
Should I be taking notes
on some of this stuff
for the sexual-harassment
lawsuit we're all going to?
Hey, don't make me load
my emotional gun, okay, dude?
'Cause I'm one step away
from loading this emotional gun,
That dress looks
so great on you.
Why are you going out
with Darren again?
HONEY: You should be going out
with the licker. I mean,
there's no contest.
You either get licked
or you don't.
I was married to Darren
for 14 years.
I have to give him
another chance.
Yeah, you don't want him
to miss out on another chance
of not going down on you again.
Okay, I just texted Mark
and I made a date tonight,
-10:00 p.m., Butchers & Barbers.
-Oh, no! No!
Then I said, "Would you lick me
all over after?"
-No, I didn't say that.
-Give it to me.
-We must enact
the good-guy pact.
-Give it to me.
Oh, hi, babe.
-Hey. Good to see you.
-Glad you're feeling better.
-Hey, I'm Honey.
-And I'm Candy.
All kinds of lozenges.
Cool. I thought
it was just gonna be us tonight.
Yeah. Oh, of course.
Of course.
Um, I can take it from here.
Don't fuck with her.
Okay. So it's time to go.
Um, I'll talk to you guys later.
Let's go.
Don't forget your date tonight
at ten.
You have a date?
Yes. She has a date.
With who? [CHUCKLES]
Not helping.
Okay, come on.
I don't care,
but who are you dating?
-Uh, I'm not. I'm just--
-I don't care.
-I really don't care.
well, I might see Mark later,
because I-- I just,
you know, ran into him
the other day.
-You're dating my friend Mark?
-No, I'm not dating him.
-I said I don't care.
-We-- we hung out a little bit.
-I don't care.
I don't care.
-Did you fuck Mark?
No. I mean, come on.
-Yes, I did. Okay.
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, I fucked Mark!
It's none of your business!
You fucked my friend!
How could--
You fucked my friend!
Of course that's my business!
Forget it.
Forget I mentioned it.
How could I forget that?
We got--
He's my friend.
We go on vacations together.
We went biking in Tuscany!
That was a horrible trip.
Just forget it, okay?
I can't forget
that you fucked my friend.
I don't care about Mark.
I love you. I love you, honey.
I love you.
-Where do you want to go?
I don't care.
Where do you want to go?
We'll go to Butchers & Barbers.
-No, we are not! Stop it.
-Get in. Get in.
-Don't be a child.
-That's exactly
-where we're going.
-Do not be a child.
-I'm not being a child
-Yes, you are.
I'm being
an extremely angry adult!
-All right.
-That's a huge difference!
Get it out here,
'cause we're not going there!
-Are you gonna open my door?
-Of course I am.
Thank you.
-DARREN: Oh, Mark?
-EVA: Darren.
-DARREN: Mark!
-Darren. Darren.
I always knew
you wanted to fuck my wife.
Whoa, uh, we're there. Uh...
You're right.
Oh, God. Um...
Just-- just deny it at least!
At least deny it
for appearances!
For crying out loud!
Guess what. Is this expensive?
Mark! Oh, my God!
How do you like me now? Huh?
-Stop it!
-Yeah! Yeah, really!
-Shin kicks?
-DARREN: Yeah.
-Stop it!
-You know I took kung fu?
-He took, like, two karate--
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Darren! Stop it!
He drank a Red Bull in the car.
He's really sensitive
to caffeine.
-DARREN: Time out, time out!
-You're gonna hurt yourself.
-EVA: I'm gonna pull up the car.
-Oh, wow. Big man, huh?
-Settle down.
-Big man with the restaurant
and the washboard face.
Sensei Doug
would be horrified.
Guess what.
Ask her who she wants.
-Oh, I'm not doing that.
-No, ask her who she wants.
-Who do you want?
-I am not gonna answer that.
DARREN: You have to
choose. This...
or "Thor."
You came.
I'm glad you called me back.
I missed you.
-You look really beautiful.
-Thank you.
Have you thought
more about monogamy?
Ah, you really love that word.
Can we talk about that later?
I mean, this is
a really important party.
-I want to talk about it now.
That's Steve Evans.
That's the guy that picks
all the, uh, the TED speakers.
-I got to talk to him.
-Yeah, come on.
Steve. Hey, how are you, man?
Daniel Peters,
-from the-- from the emails.
-From the emails.
-[CHUCKLES] Isn't that great?
We got to get together, man.
You know, we've been, uh...
Oh, this is Candy.
-Is this your girlfriend?
I'm a free agent.
I'm interested in making lots
of sexual connections,
because I can't be tied down
by monogamy.
What do you do, Candy?
I study the significance
of ritual,
and also I hate monogamy!
[CHUCKLES] Give me
some casual sex, please!
[LAUGHING] Me, too!
[LAUGHING] Yeah, yeah,
that's great.
-Yeah, that's fun.
-STEVEN: Oh, Daniel, you have...
fascinating friends.
Well, she's--
It's more than a friend,
-Am I?
I would love to learn more,
uh, about this.
Can I...
Could I get your number?
-Sure, Steve.
-Hang on a minute.
-It's good. I got my phone.
-I can connect you.
-I got my phone. It's good.
DANIEL: I can probably connect
you guys on an email.
Just type it in yourself?
And is it Candy
with an I or a Y?
-With a Y.
-Oh, why not?
Oh. Why-- why would it be
with an I, you know?
PETER: You guys
are all handsome guys.
You know what I'm talking about.
It's the fast-paced
Hollywood lifestyle.
You know how many girls
I've had sex with? 21.
And I'm only 35.
And I've eaten 12 pussies,
most of them
on the girls I've fucked. Hey!
-I got your text.
PETER: One second, guys.
I'll be right back.
Follow me. I got
to piss out of my cock.
Did Linda read my script?
Uh, yeah, she agreed
with a few things about it,
so, uh, I got rid of her.
You got rid of her?
Yeah. And, uh, it turns out
I got some new financiers
for the movie,
so it doesn't matter
what Linda thinks.
Oh, plus...
you're fired.
Well, great, 'cause I quit.
And I'm gonna write
my own movie about a woman
having a religious orgasm.
And no one stabs her in the ass.
First of all, you can't quit
after I fire you, so...
A person can be smart
and have big boobs.
And people are gonna
watch my movie
and people are gonna love it!
No one respects you,
big boobs.
You know,
I used to want to be you.
But all the success in the world
doesn't make you happy,
does it?
I have friends
and you don't have any friends,
and I'm happy.
Yeah, I guess, you know what,
maybe I'm not so happy
in my life.
Maybe if we had sex
in this bathroom,
I might be happy about that,
so why don't you get
on your knees, baby?
Fuck you.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, wow.
I'm sorry you didn't come.
You know what I love about you?
You're so comforting, you know?
Here's the thing...
Sex dies...
in every relationship.
So maybe we should be together.
-I'm-- I'm just--
I'm losing my passion
for Chandra, you know?
-You know, I just don't want
-anyone to get hurt.
-Oh my God,
Chandra broke up with you.
That's why you're here.
No, she's following
One Direction for a while.
Oh, perfect!
-That's so perfect!
-I know.
I'm a clich. But...
the handsome guy runs off
with a younger, hot,
sexy, fit, tight little girl,
and then he gets bored,
and he wants to come
running home to mommy.
I'm not your mommy, okay?
Okay, you don't understand.
Here's the thing.
I'm saving...
my sexual energy...
for my art.
Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
I think maybe sex
doesn't die for everyone.
It just has died for you
and your weird dick.
-And Mark couldn't wait...
-Stop it. Stop it.
...to go down on me.
He fucking loved going down,
-and I loved it!
-Oh, stop. Ew. Ew. Ew.
-Oh, no, see, that says it all.
-First of all, ew.
-Ew. Ew.
You asked him
to go down on you.
No, I didn't ask him!
He asked me! He begged me!
-Oh, my God.
-What an asshole.
-That's what he said.
-Stop. That's not-- Stop it.
-He did.
He said I had
a beautiful butthole. Ha-ha!
-You want a line?
-No, thanks. I'm fine.
Are you a drug addict?
Why would you ask that?
No reason.
No. Look, that's just
a piece of art, yeah?
It's a piece of art
about a feeling, you know?
Just a feeling
some people make me feel.
So there's a lot
of other people
who think you're a drug addict?
No. No, I just like to party
and have a good time is all,
Who else thinks
you're a drug addict?
[GROANS] Look,
just my stupid family.
Your family?
Yeah, look,
just 'cause they give me money,
it makes them think they got
the right to judge me, yeah?
But come on.
Let's get some food.
Why does your family think
you're a drug addict?
I'm Freedom, yeah?
I'm free from family shackles.
Stop doing drugs.
I'll help you.
I love you.
Yeah, I-- I love you so much.
And I've been thinking, yeah?
I've got to get out of this city
for a while...
'cause sometimes a man,
he needs to go on walkabout.
I've got these big mountains
to climb, yeah?
A man, he needs to be able
to climb his mountains, yeah?
Do you understand?
Not really. Are you talking
about real mountains, or--
I'm talking about the mountains
that only a real man can climb,
yeah? 'Cause that's-- that's me.
I'm a man.
Can I come with you?
No, I've got wars to fight.
Do you see?
Hey, maybe we'll reunite, yeah?
In, like, five years.
Five years?
Come on, look in my eyes.
What am I thinking?
I don't know.
Can two people
ever really be together?
And once they're together,
can they ever really be apart?
These feelings...
they'll always exist inside us.
Maybe I'll come back for you
one day.
But maybe not.
And remember...
I left you better
than I found you.
CANDY: "I left you better
than I found you"?
HONEY: And then he went off
to climb mountains.
Probably mountains of cocaine.
How can I have
the amazing sex again?
I think he was the one.
EVA: No, he's not the one.
You're the one.
You're the only one
that matters.
These candles are dangerous.
And they don't work!
Let's do a spell for the power
to make our dreams come true.
We don't have power.
We have low self-esteem.
Okay, don't say that.
-[YELLING] Ah! The candles!
-Stop it.
Only a stupid idiot
would believe in a magic candle.
I believe in them.
That's 'cause you live
in a fantasy world.
-What is going on?
-HONEY: Look,
I paid a lot of money
for your candles
and I'm gonna sue you
for false advertising!
I bought them
from a candle emporium.
-They're not magic.
-I hate the candles!
-Whoa, calm down!
You guys all have your periods,
right? That's--
The candles suck!
All right, you know,
this is your friend.
You are fired.
Oh! I quit!
She's not my friend!
'Cause I'm not friends
with people
that think I'm stupid. [SOBBING]
And we're not on our periods!
I mean, to be fair,
I am on my period.
It's towards the end
of my cycle.
It's only a matter of time
for the rest of them, right?
-Would you just stop?
-You okay?
-Not really.
-You know what?
Screw this place.
Working with you has been
the best part of my job.
You know,
I wanted to be the voice
of modern feminism,
but I'm a loser.
And I...
don't think my friends
will ever talk to me again,
'cause I took a big crap
on them
and then I crapped
in front of them.
I took an emotional shit.
Everything's gonna be okay.
I believe in you, yo.
And you do have
a feminist voice.
You're the full package.
I think you're a package
and a half.
-I'm a package and a half?
I'd even go so far as saying
you're two packages.
That's the nicest thing
that anyone's ever said to me.
That's the nicest thing
I've ever said.
HONEY: Hello. I'm looking
for the special unicorn lady
who lives in this apartment
and is very magical.
Oh. Leave me alone.
I'm living in my fantasy world.
I'm sorry I was a jerk.
I really miss you.
I can't believe you did this.
Don't thank me.
It's the candles.
-They really work.
-Stop making fun of me.
I'm not. My life was depressing
without your magic spells.
Thank you. It's true.
Listen, I have a great idea.
All right, the factory
in Jakarta's running behind.
Can we sell
the magical candles
in your store
and use the profits
to pay Candy's rent?
I don't know. Maybe I have
too much low self-esteem.
I'm sorry
that I projectile-vomited
my low self-esteem onto you,
and I promise to swallow it
back down next time.
That is the grossest analogy.
-Yes, you can sell candles here.
-Thank you.
You guys look really cute.
-We're witches.
I thought you were,
like, mean cowgirls.
Witches. It's better.
It's better.
Come see.
We'll set up over here.
CANDY: A lot of people are gonna
tell you
you can't do things
in your life,
and I'm here to tell you
that you can.
Believe in yourself.
And remember
how amazing you really are.
Oh! We sold so many.
Wow, witches are, like,
the new vampires.
It's shocking how many people
are buying these things.
The two children's dresses
we made came in.
What do you want
to do with them?
What's happening with Mark?
We broke up.
I forgot the good-guy pact
and I chose Darren.
And I really regret it.
You gotta give
those little girls
-their dresses.
-EVA: I'm pretty sure
he never wants to see me again.
Fine. What do you think?
Maybe not, right?
-Oh, my God!
That look. Jeez.
All right. Okay.
He didn't come,
so there you go.
Not home, right?
-Oh, God.
Uh, hi. How are you? Um...
I know you probably
don't want to see me. Um...
I made dresses
for your daughters.
Nice. Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry I sabotaged
our relationship.
And I'm sorry I treated you
so badly
when you're just, like,
the greatest guy.
Thanks for saying that,
but, uh...
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
for what it's worth,
I broke up with Darren...
for good.
I don't think
I liked myself enough
to choose a good guy.
I didn't think I deserved it.
MARY: Eva!
-Hey, sweetie!
-Hey, Eva.
I made you dresses.
Yay! Come in!
Evie, Evie, Evie!
I like the dress.
I'm having an orgasm.
I feel it
I feel it
I feel it
I feel love
EVA: Who knew getting a divorce
could be so great?
-CANDY: Yeah.
-What's going on with Daniel?
Nothing! That's why we need
a super-powerful spell.
I think we should call
on all the elements to help us.
-Honey, are you in?
-I'm so in.
In fact, I'm gonna call
on the elements.
What are the elements?
-Uh, Earth.
Okay, Earth. Earth. Okay.
I am going to-- I don't know,
I'm going to call on the Earth
and-- Is that really dorky?
-No, no, no!
-No, it's amazing!
-I'm gonna walk on it. Why not?
-CANDY: Okay.
CANDY: What's up, earth?
HONEY: Okay,
what's another element?
-Uh, wind.
-Okay, what about...
-Would incense count?
-All right. Um...
we call on the wind.
-Am I imagining that?
-Wow, so cool!
-So cool!
Okay, what about water?
Here. Drink your drinks.
I call on water!
Guys, we made it rain.
CANDY: Candles are fire.
Purple for power.
The power to get what we want.
Say your wishes.
I wish to like myself.
-So mote it be.
-So mote it be.
I wish to know that I deserve
the good things in life.
ALL: So mote it be.
I wish for love...
-and money.
-So mote it be.
-So mote it be.
We ask the elements to help us
with our hearts' desires.
or something better.
All I could ever need
Is you
If you believe in magic,
then there's magic!
It's raining so hard!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
HONEY: "To truly experience
ecstatic sex,
you must first fall in love
with yourself.
Look at yourself in a mirror
and say, 'I love you.' "
I love you.
I love you.
"Now look at your yoni
in a mirror
and admire
its tremendous beauty."
I love you.
"Discover what kind of pressure
you like. Play music."
I pull up to the club
I got my swag on
The music's playing loud
Can't play their money y'all
I see 'em lookin' at me
She got a pretty smile
So I'm-a get a drink
Mm. Okay.
Come on
Hell! Hell! Hell!
And hell!
Shut up.
Girl I want ya
There's no way...
-Can you take your shirt off?
-Don't. Please. Please don't.
Can I just leave it on?
Can I-- Okay.
I just...
I don't want you
to be disappointed.
Why don't you let me be
the judge of that?
You are the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
-WOMAN: See ya, Jane.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
I'm the old assistant
who likes sluts.
I know who you are.
I liked your script.
Thank you. So I'm not working
for Peter anymore.
Good. He's a dick.
Yeah. And I wrote a new script
and I wanted to pitch it to you
and I was hoping
you would read it.
How did you find me?
Well, I, uh...
I stole Peter's contacts.
-Oh, very sneaky. I like that.
-I'm sneaky.
-I want to be a filmmaker.
Have you directed before?
-No, just a short.
-Hmm. Well, okay.
You can walk me to my car.
I'll give you five minutes.
Are you dating Steve?
What? No.
-Let's be monogamous.
Let's be monogamous right now!
I am going to get
the biggest Cosmo they got.
-Make it a double.
-Oh, I just love your boots.
-They're gorgeous.
-Right? I know. Right?
-Excuse me.
Are you the priest
from St. Francis of Assisi?
Yes, I used to be.
I used to go to your church
when I was a kid.
Didn't you used to preach
that no one should have sex
unless it was for the purpose
of procreation?
Oh, I used to say
a lot of stuff.
-FRANK: Mm-hmm.
-Now I just do what feels good.
-And what feels good is Frank.
Excuse me. But--
but what about people
who listened to what you said
and then they spent
their lives feeling tormented?
And what about hell?
Don't torment yourself.
I think God wants us
to be happy.
-So uncomfortable.
-Right? I know.
I know you're gonna talk
at TED one day.
You are so great.
I love you.
I love you. Thank you.
You know, Honey got me
that unicorn.
It's so cute!
Unicorns are lame.
You don't like unicorns?
I-- I just...
I'm not crazy about 'em.
How can you not like unicorns?
I-- I think they're creepy.
especially when they're looking
over the bed.
Look, a human interacting
with a computer
is interesting, you know?
But when a human interacts
with a unicorn...
-not as much, okay?
-Unicorns are interesting.
I just... I think
you're a beautiful,
lovely, attractive woman.
I think you should just limit
how much you talk about unicorns
in front of people, okay?
I just don't want you
to be uncomfortable
when you meet the TED people.
So maybe not, you know,
don't talk about them too much
in front of everyone.
I want to be monogamous,
but not with you.
-I want to date other people.
Are-- are you kidding?
I'm a unicorn.
What? I...
What are you saying?
You don't like unicorns,
and that's a deal breaker.
Let's be friends.
That feels
All I ever want
All I could ever need
You and I
You and I
WOMAN: You are loved.
This feeling
is always inside of you.
And all I could ever see
All I could ever want
All I could ever need
Is you
What are you doing here?
Um, I wrote the script
about the witches.
-Honey, that's incredible.
-Wow, that's great.
How-- how did you know
where I live?
I stole Peter's contacts, yo.
You know,
you're really nice to me.
And nice is sexy.
Nice is sexy, yo.
I learned this 'cause
I've been nicer to myself
And now I see it
See I'm like a little tree
I need to nurture myself
With some happy
Little thoughts
And that's what I did yo
Da-da-dum, blossom.
Do you want to go on a date?
-More than ever.
[GASPS] Ta-dah!
-We're so proud of you.
You're the orgasming champion!
-HONEY: Oh, thank you.
-And the masturbating champion!
I'm not sure
who I was competing against,
but I'm glad I won!
I want to light a candle
for our friendship,
'cause I'm really grateful
for you guys.
I heard this music
and it made me think of you.
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
A kiss good night
A kiss by darkness
A kiss to all the end
Of rain
To stall this night
To stall this darkness
To stall this night
To the end of days
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Don't you wanna know
That magic is real
Don't you wanna have
Something to feel
One life
And the world
Will open doorways
ALL: I love my pussy!
-Yes to orgasms!
-ALL: Yes to orgasms!
to orgasms!
ALL: Yes to orgasms!
Masters and Johnson taught us
that an orgasm was just,
you know, like,
up, down, like, quick.
It isn't. You can train yourself
to have an extended,
massive orgasm.
Isn't that amazing?
Who here would like to learn
how to have an extended,
massive orgasm?
Who here would like
to learn how to have
an earth-shattering orgasm?
And I will believe in us
I tell my pussy that I love her.
I love you, pussy. I love you.
I love you so much.
You're a sweet, sweet,
sweet little puss.
I will believe in you
And I will believe in us
And I will believe
That all of this is true
And I will believe in us
Just for once don't you wanna
Know magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
A kiss goodnight
A kiss by darkness
A kiss to all the end
Of rain
To stall this night
To stall this darkness
To stall this night
Till the end of days
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Just for once
Just for once
Don't you wanna know
Just for once
Just for once
Don't you wanna know
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Just for once don't you
Wanna know that magic is real
Is real is real is real
Fixed by MoviesLover..