Halfway to Amarillo (2023) Movie Script
1
[wind whistling]
[dramatic western music playing]
[doors closing]
[Michael] The shootout
is action in its purest form.
[western music continues]
Take away the stunts...
the explosions...
the weaponry...
and you're left
with the characters.
It's about two people...
ten feet apart.
No fancy tricks.
It's about what brought them
to this point.
What brought these characters
to where
they're willing to die...
just for the opportunity
to kill the other person?
[music stops]
I'm just not as captivated
by Westerns as you are.
It's all
I can think about.
And all you can talk about.
And for someone
who has a deadline,
you're spending
way too much time talking.
Yeah, you're right.
So Eli
just got to Amarillo.
He's there
to kill Sheriff Ambrose,
and he's pissing
on the side of the saloon.
And that's where I'm stuck.
Mid-stream, I literally
don't know how to finish a piss.
Forget where the rest
of the story's going.
Just ask your editors
for another extension.
I don't wanna get
a reputation, you know?
Besides, good writing comes
from deadlines and pressure,
when your back's
up against the wall.
Look what I found.
Bow! [chuckles]
I was thinking
this could help, you know,
get into
the right frame of mind.
I thought
you were sick of Westerns.
I am.
But I'm not quite
sick of you.
Well, at the very least
it's an excuse to play dress-up.
And I think you should
start tonight, partner.
Tonight?
Dinner and a movie?
I got this deadline.
I know. I-- I'm sorry.
[scoffs] Michael, all you do
is wake up and grind away.
That's what writers do.
They also live their lives.
Come on.
You're gonna make me beg?
Okay, fine.
For you,
and only for you...
I will take a break.
All right.
Well, I need
to get back to work.
-I'll see you tonight?
-I'll see you tonight.
All right. Later.
[western music playing]
[rock music playing over stereo]
[phone alarm blaring]
[phone] Warning.
Warning. Warning. Warning.
[quirky music playing]
Brought you something.
Mom, I already have
four of those. They still work.
I mean,
from the looks of this place,
I just assumed
they were broken.
Okay, great.
Thanks. I get it.
I'll-- I will--
I'll use this Swiffer.
Are you busy?
I gotta get back to work.
Okay, okay.
Let me just put this
in the back room.
Okay, fine.
[footsteps retreating]
Honey, where do you keep
your Clorox wipes?
-Mom!
-What?
I can clean my own place.
Can you get out?
Can you?
Yes! I--
I gotta get back to work.
I'll call you later.
Okay, okay, sweetie.
May I use the restroom, though,
before I go, is that okay?
-Of course. Fine.
-Okay. All right.
All right.
Don't wanna disturb you.
Just make it quick.
[Michael sighs]
[vacuum whirring]
Mom!
Mom!
Get the fuck out.
[whirring stops]
[western music playing]
[music fades]
[Naomi] Sorry, I didn't have
time to go home and change.
[tense music playing]
[Michael sighs]
What the hell is going on?
-I'm fucked.
-What?
I'm fucked.
I got a draft due in 72 hours,
and I got nothing. I'm fucked.
Okay, you are freaking me out.
Sorry, I don't mean
to freak you out.
I'm just fucked.
Okay, Michael,
what's the problem?
And don't say
that you're fucked.
Fuck, I don't know!
I mean, look!
I've been staring
at these cards for four hours.
Okay.
You know why
you can't come up with anything?
Because you don't do anything.
Ask your editor
for an extension.
I'm sure they'd rather have
something great in a month
than something shitty now.
Well, I--
I don't wanna disappoint them.
They're your editors,
not your parents.
Disappoint them
and who gives a damn?
If they don't like it,
then you get new editors.
-It's not that easy.
-It can be.
-No, it can't.
-Why not?
-It's complicated.
-Well, make it less complicated.
-It's not that easy.
-Oh, my gosh. [chuckles]
Okay, I'm tired
of hearing about it.
I am tired
of hearing about Eli West
and Sheriff fucking Ambrose.
All you do
is bitch about this idea,
so maybe
you're just not that into it.
It's always your publishers
or your editors or your readers.
Maybe it's you.
You are miserable,
and it's making me miserable.
Look at me!
I just got off
a really long shift.
I'm still in my uniform.
I come over here
because we're supposed
to have a date night.
You promised
and then forgot.
And then promised
and forgot again.
And I get that
you have work to do,
but I am sick
of taking a back seat.
A back seat?
I'm not even
in the damn car.
Of course
you're in the car.
I'm not.
You forgot me
just like you forgot dinner.
-Again.
-I got a deadline!
What do you want me to do?
There's always a deadline.
There's always a new chapter...
a new book, a new idea.
And I've seen enough to know
that you clearly can't handle
work and a relationship.
I don't wanna live
like this anymore.
Wait, we can talk
about this, okay?
We can work on it.
You and me, together.
Just later.
I don't think we can.
[footsteps retreating]
Naomi.
-[Naomi sighs] I have to go.
-Just--
[door slams]
-Hey, dude.
-Hey!
Oh, geez.
You look like shit.
Make it a good one.
What are you guys
doing here?
Uh, we're here
to play poker?
We thought
you could use some company.
Look, I appreciate it, guys,
thank you.
But I gotta finish a draft
of Amarillo by Monday morning.
That's the title?
Sundown In Amarillo.
What, you don't like it?
It's, like,
good for a work-y thing-y.
[Jordan]
At least take this.
It's kind of like
what Hemingway said.
You know,
"Write drunk, edit sober."
Yeah, was that before
or after he killed himself?
[Benny] Uh, I think before.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Just give us
a call in the morning.
And remember,
don't think about Naomi.
-Jesus.
-You're an idiot.
I was just trying
to help!
If you're trying to help,
you might as well
just punch him in the face.
I'm not really sure
how that would help him.
[melancholy western
music playing]
[urine trickling]
[rumbling]
[music warping]
[grunts]
-[goat bleating]
-[urine trickling]
Gonna tie my pecker to a
tree,
to a tree, to a tree
Gonna tie my pecker
to a tree
Gonna tie my pecker to a
tree,
to a tree, to a tree
Gonna tie my pecker
to a tree
Gonna tie
my pecker to a tree...
What the fuck?
To a tree, to a tree--
The fuck?
[urine continues trickling]
-Who the fuck--
-[Michael shouts]
Ew-- Fuck!
[Eli sighs]
[gun cocks]
The fuck?
What are you doing
in my yard?
Your yard?
Ain't the Stanley's?
Who the fuck is Stanley?
Stanley's Saloon?
Does this look like
a fuckin' saloon?
Am I in Amarillo?
Am-- Texas?
No, you're not in Texas.
This is LA.
El-Ay?
Yeah, California.
California--
[laughing]
This isn't California!
Who are you?
-Eli West.
-[bullet clinks]
Who the hell are you?
Did you say Eli West?
How do you know that name?
Who are you?
Just said
I'm Elijah fuckin' West.
Now answer my question.
Come up with your name now.
I'm Michael.
This is my house.
Why are you pissing
on my fence?
Figured I was at Stanley's.
Use a fuckin' toilet.
Toilet, you mean
like a French shitter?
-Like a what?
-[Eli laughing]
I don't see no shitter.
Inside!
You keep a shitter
inside your house?
Where else
would I keep it?
Outside the house.
Like in an outhouse?
Wait, go back.
Why did you say Eli West?
-Who are you?
-You asked me, peckerwood.
It's Elijah West.
Stop doing that!
Did Jordan send you here?
Jordan?
Yeah. Or my mom?
Eli West isn't real.
He's a character from a book.
Oh, shit. I guess I got a little
bit of a legend going on.
No, man.
He's a character from my book.
I created him.
Mister, I don't know
who you think you are,
but there's only one creator,
and that's the Lord Almighty.
Fuck this.
All right,
if you're Eli West,
what's your horse's name?
[clicks tongue] That's tough.
Lydia.
Okay, then
what about your parents?
Jesse and Marie West.
Shot in cold blood
when I was a little boy.
Okay, man.
It's not funny anymore.
I know it ain't funny.
I was there.
-Single darkest day of my life--
-Yeah, I know, I know.
Single dark--
I know the story.
Are you insinuating
you know them?
Know them?
I fuckin' wrote them.
Okay, you've just about
crossed the line, mister.
I crossed the line? [scoffs]
-Who are you?
-Are we really back at that?
-[scoffs] You're insane.
-I'm insane?
You're the one
that thinks he's God Almighty.
You're not real.
Eli West is not real.
Well, I guess that piss
you're drenched in
ain't real then neither.
I'm losing my fuckin' mind.
First thing he said
I'll agree with.
Ah, so California, you say?
I think I'd remember
riding to California.
It's about a two-week trip.
Okay, look,
I wanna show you something.
What is it?
I'll kill it.
It's a computer.
Like a lantern?
Like a book.
You know
what a book is, right?
Yeah, I know what a book is.
That ain't a book.
It's like a book
made out of technology.
You can do
all kinds of shit on it.
So, like...
magic?
Electricity.
You guys had electricity, right?
Not like that.
This is a book
I'm writing about Eli West.
He's an outlaw.
It's fiction.
-Eli West is fiction.
-Pardon me?
-Fiction. Not real.
-I know what fiction is.
That's not the part
I'm concerned about.
[groans] You--
you're saying...
I'm a character...
in this magic book?
I'm saying Eli West...
is the hero
in my book, yeah.
Hero.
Now I know you're full of shit.
-[Michael] He's an antihero.
-Nothing against heroes.
I just wouldn't consider
myself one.
No, idiot.
He's a reluctant hero.
Reluctant?
Why don't you just write
about someone who wants the job?
I thought it would be
more interesting.
Whatever keeps you interested.
[Eli chuckles]
You okay, partner?
-I'm gonna throw up.
-Okay. Just--
You do reek of booze!
And my piss.
[Michael retching]
[outdoor ambiance]
[phone clatters]
Mornin', partner.
All right, who are you?
Get the fuck
out of my house.
Sundown In Amarillo.
You like it?
I see you got that son of
a bitch Morgan Ambrose in here.
He's the antagonist.
Bad guy? A sheriff?
So right here it says
I was on my way
to put a bullet
in between his eyes?
Yeah, that's pretty much
where I'm going with it.
Can you write
a little faster?
I'm writing
as fast as I can, trust me.
So how do you know
all this?
My parents.
The horse
at the neighbor's ranch.
How do you know
I didn't shoot that colt?
I never told anyone that.
Tell Benny or Jordan
or whoever sent you
that it's not helping.
Friend, you look like shit.
Gee, I wonder why.
You might wanna
look inwards.
Whatever this is,
it's not gonna work.
-Okay? Go away.
-How?
My home's a hundred years
and a thousand miles away.
-Come on, I got a deadline!
-Fine.
Not like
you're all that abled
in the ways
of conversation anyway.
-[knocking at door]
-[gun cocks]
-[Michael] Shit, you-- No, stop!
-Who is it?
What do you--
Get your damn hands off of me!
Get in my--
get in my room.
-Okay, I'm going!
-I'll come get you.
Hey!
You know we can see you
in there, right?
[door opens]
[Michael] Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?
Hey, what's up, man?
We thought we'd just,
uh, you know, check up on you.
[Michael]
You didn't want to call first?
-We did.
-Several times.
Hey, who's that guy?
The actor you guys hired?
Actor?
-What, are we filming a movie?
-Yeah, that guy...
We brought you,
uh, sesame seed bagels
and, uh, coffee,
you know, your favorite.
You didn't have to do that.
Hey, man, it's no biggie at all.
Benny paid for it.
-I used your Visa.
-Dude!
You said use it
for an emergency.
[Dylan sighs]
It-- it won't happen again.
[quirky western music playing]
[Eli whistling]
Ah!
[phone alarm blaring]
[phone] Warning.
Warning. Warning. Warning.
[phone vibrating, clattering]
[blaring continues]
Warning. Warning.
Warning. Warning.
[Eli breathing heavily]
All right, thank you guys
so much for the bagels.
I gotta get back to work.
We just wanted to check up
on you 'cause it looked like
you were taking it
pretty hard last night.
It's fine.
It's just this fuckin' deadline.
I figured
it was because of Naomi.
-Benny!
-Dude, what is wrong with you?
It's like
you're not even in the room.
What? They broke up.
We just said we weren't
gonna talk about it, remember?
Positive vibes?
-Duh.
-[Benny] Sorry.
[exhales sharply]
Well, if you need anything,
give us a call.
I will, thank you.
And, uh,
thanks for the bagels.
Yeah, no problem.
Feel better.
[sighing]
All right, they're gone.
Why is my phone
on the floor?
Is that
what you call it?
Are you scared
of my phone?
No, but it went all wild
and stung me like a bee.
It's not gonna hurt you. Relax.
I gotta call Naomi.
-Who?
-My girlfriend. We had a fight.
-I gotta call her.
-Oh.
Well, let me
help you with that.
[shouting] Naomi!
Hey, what the fuck
are you doing?
Calling a woman.
-[shouting] Naomi!
-Call her on the phone!
Fuck. She's not picking up.
She's probably at work.
Well, let's go to work.
We? No, look,
I got a deadline,
and I gotta focus
on writing this draft.
Okay?
You stay here...
and I'm gonna go
and just find her and apologize.
[Eli laughing]
Apologize? To a woman?
Do you want her back?
Sorry if I'm hesitant
to take relationship advice
from a guy who doesn't even
know what a toilet is.
I know what a toilet is,
you French bastard.
I'm not the one
that keeps it inside.
Where he eats.
Okay, look, I'm gonna go.
You stay here.
Not a chance.
Until I can figure out
what's going on with you,
if you're an actor, insane,
or you really are Eli West--
I am Eli West.
Right. I'm sure.
Till I can figure it out,
you're staying here
so I can keep you safe.
Take me.
Dear Jesus!
-[car horn honking]
-[tires screeching]
A little early for Halloween,
isn't it, douchebag?
[Michael]
What the hell are you doing?
Beast nearly killed me!
[Michael] Get out
of the middle of the road!
-What is it?
-It's a car.
-[car horn honking]
-[Eli] A what?
It's like a--
a horseless carriage!
-Where are the horses?
-There aren't any horses!
[Eli] Goddamn!
[Michael] Get out
of the middle of the road!
Sir, I'm really sorry
about that.
I-- He's just
not all there.
Let me ask you something.
You know where Costco is?
Get out of here.
-Assholes, man. Jesus.
-Better get goin'.
Get the fuck back
on the road.
Well, just fine.
-Are you crazy?
-Thing's the devil's spawn.
It's-- All right. Come on.
Well, looky
what we have here.
[chuckles]
[Michael] A Porta-Potty?
I know an outhouse
when I see one.
[restaurant din]
Well, this is nice.
Stay here, please,
and don't move.
[Naomi] What do you want?
You weren't answering
your phone.
I'm working.
Oh, not everyone can decide
when they start and finish.
Naomi, you're the manager.
Not the point.
Can you just give me
a minute to explain?
There's nothing to explain.
I know I fucked up.
I wanna do better.
You can't just
keep apologizing.
Just give me
another chance.
[clears throat]
Hi, what can I get for you?
Whiskey, straight up.
[snickers] We don't serve
whiskey here, sir.
[Eli] Fine, gin.
We don't have gin, either.
Just give me
the strongest thing you got.
We could do an espresso shot.
How's that?
Make it a double.
That sounds fast.
[barista]
That'll be $4.75.
[Eli mutters]
-Better be some good shit.
-[coin clatters on counter]
[chuckles]
Sorry, we don't take, um...
Wait, is this gold?
It's a poke.
Is that a problem?
Not a problem at all.
Gold is fine. Thank you.
Who is that?
He's just a friend of a friend.
He's just a guy I found outside.
Don't--
Look, will you think about it?
I need
to get back to work.
Will you call me after?
I don't know. We'll see.
Hey, that back there.
Does that lead to your whores?
-Ex-- excuse me, sir?
-Your whores.
Hey, there's a lot of people
in the line behind you, sir, so.
I was just curious.
Didn't mean anything by it.
Espresso shot
for "The Eli West"?
Thank you, ma'am.
Ah! That's some strong shit!
Whoo!
[Michael] Let's go.
[Eli] Can, uh,
we hold on to this?
-[Michael] No.
-Shit.
[Eli] Hey, barkeep!
That was some good shit!
Ma'am. Dog.
Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna break the other.
Come on!
[slow western music playing]
[Ambrose] So you're telling me
these phones
are like some kind of
miniature telegraph?
Do you really not know
what a phone is?
[Ambrose] Some sort of...
dark magic.
Wow, he's really
into character, huh?
-Ambrose!
-[gun cocks]
[Jordan] What the fuck
is going on?
[Eli] You son of a bitch,
I'll kill you.
Eli fucking West.
Well, they just let
anybody in here.
Yeah, I can see that.
How the fuck
did you get into my house?
Ambrose let us in.
He said
he was one of your friends.
Oh, you must be Michael.
Well, in my defense,
I was lyin' when I said that.
Yeah, what else is new,
you rotten bastard?
Says a man who's set to hang.
The two of us,
only one of us is a murderer.
I ain't never killed nobody
who didn't have it comin'.
Tell that to my parents!
It should be you
swingin' from that rope!
Wow, they're really
into the character.
Guys, get out of here now.
Do you need us
to call anybody or get any help?
No! Get out of here, okay?
Trust me, I'll explain later.
Let 'em go.
They're not part of this.
I got no quarrel
with these gentlemen.
[Eli] Nor do I.
Dope!
I'm just gonna get out of here.
[Benny] You guys
are so into character.
Oh, my God.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You're Morgan Ambrose?
Sheriff Morgan Ambrose.
You don't deserve that title.
That's rich,
comin' from an outlaw.
Can you guys
not spit on my floor?
Can't promise that.
Not while he's around.
Okay, well, can you at least
put your guns down?
Him first.
Yeah, right.
All right,
I'm just gonna pretend
like this is all real,
and if I'm wrong,
I'll have learned
a very valuable life lesson.
But I can't have you guys
killing each other in my house,
at least not yet.
So if you're gonna have
to shoot someone...
shoot me.
Is that supposed to be like some
kind of ultimatum or something?
I mean,
who the hell are you anyway?
I'm the author.
Oh, the author,
the author of what?
The author of us.
And I'm the protagonist.
Well, what's a protagonist?
The hero.
Hero?
What the hell's that make me?
The antagonist.
The villain.
The villain? I'm a sheriff.
Sheriffs ain't villains.
In what world
is that half-wit a hero?
He's an antihero.
Damn right he's antihero.
He's been chasing me around
for years.
You just found out
you're a fictional character
and this is all you care about?
Why is he the "protauminist"?
Protagonist.
You killed my parents!
That's a very dramatic
retelling of events.
Maybe you should be the author.
I'll be the hero, and you can be
the goldarn villain
and see how it feels!
Okay, you know what?
Whatever you think of my story,
it's still my story, okay?
And I don't know what's gonna
happen to you if I die.
So if you guys wanna
keep existing in any form...
put the guns down
and let's talk this out.
Stop it!
[western riff playing]
Sundown In Amarillo.
That's your title?
You like it?
Not a whole bunch.
We'll think of something.
Okay, look,
I don't have a lot of time.
I gotta get back to work,
so who wants to start?
[Eli sighs]
Ambrose.
What's your fuckin' problem?
-I can answer that.
-Shut up. Let Ambrose talk.
You'll get a turn.
Yeah, for once,
keep your fuckin' mouth shut.
Hey, Ambrose, stop.
Wait.
I'm a fictional character?
God, you're quick.
-How did we get here?
-We're still working on it.
-How do I get back?
-It's all so unclear.
Great.
What matters
is that you're here...
and I gotta find a way
to keep you both safe
until I can get you back
in the book.
Right, so you can figure out
a way for me to kill him then.
What?
You said I could kill him.
You said that?
I'm not married to an ending.
All right?
It's just a working direction.
Why the hell
are you gonna kill me?
-I'm not!
-You said--
I'm trying to figure it out.
Oh, well.
You just
take all the time you need.
What kind of bullshit propaganda
is you writin' anyway?
And how the hell
am I the bad guy?
Propaganda?
You murdered my parents.
It wasn't murder,
it was justice.
I'm a sheriff.
I was carrying out the law.
I don't care what badge
you hide behind,
it don't give you no right
to murder two innocent people.
[chuckles] In-- innocent.
Your parents.
I did the good folk
of Amarillo a service
the day I put them
two good-for-nothing monsters
in the ground.
I'll choke the life out of you.
I'll choke you back!
Come on, man!
Eli, stop!
Stop, you're gonna hurt him!
That's the point!
Not till
you're back in the book!
My parents were heroes,
you rat-ass little worm!
Just like you, I suppose!
[Michael] I left it
intentionally gray.
It depends on
how you look at it.
I looked at it through the law,
and they done broke it.
All you care about is your own.
That's right.
-Fuck this.
-[gun cocks]
All right, enough. I'm wasting
enough time as it is.
Let him go, shut up,
or I'll go to my laptop
and write you both a couple
of nasty fuckin' hemorrhoids.
What's a laptop?
What's a hemorrhoid?
It's the magic book that
I use to write your story with.
I want a hemorrhoid.
Okay, fine.
Stop fighting,
and I'll give you a hemorrhoid.
Me too.
Okay, hemorrhoids for everyone.
Just stop fighting.
I don't know what it is
you're trying to accomplish,
but this moronic half-wit
ain't gonna let it go.
Damn right I'm not.
You know, your ma...
she came at me
with a rusty cleaver.
And your pa came at me
with a Winchester Repeater.
That's actually true.
What was I supposed to do?
I had to defend myself.
Ambrose is making a fair point.
No, he's not!
What is this?
I'm not gonna forgive you
for murdering my folks!
Well, can you at least see
where he's coming from?
It wasn't out of malice.
It was self-defense.
Exactly.
[Michael] He didn't have
a choice.
-Thank you.
-[Eli] That's not the point!
My parents are dead
because of him.
I spent my life...
trying to find them justice.
I'm not just gonna forgive you.
Just because
you said you're sorry.
I don't recall
saying I was sorry.
After all I've been through,
I don't care
self-defense or not.
Book closed, nail in the coffin.
[exhales]
You can't put
every little thing on me...
just 'cause you're so focused
on some old story...
instead of living your life.
You don't think
I've had my fair share?
My parents...
my-- my parents...
got killed by a bear.
A fuckin' bear.
[melancholic western
music playing]
At least
you got someone to blame.
I can't exactly
swear revenge on no bear.
I don't even know which bear.
I mean, they all look alike.
It might not even be
alive anymore.
It's probably not.
Although I don't even
really know how long bears live.
I mean, hell,
am I gonna get justice?
I--
-I didn't know that.
-Yeah, well...
well, now you do.
My parents got ate by a bear...
and I got over it.
So the point is,
you can't blame me
for every little thing
that goes wrong in your life
any more than I can blame
some old bear.
He's right, Eli.
Yeah, I mean,
he's the one writin' your story.
Well...
[Eli] That's right.
He did.
He's the one
who made me kill your parents.
Guys, this isn't about me,
it's about you.
I bet you wrote that bear.
You killed my parents...
with a bear?
I thought it would be
an interesting parallel.
Interesting parallel?
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
I spent years alone
after they died.
The shit I had to eat,
what I had to do for money,
I can't even talk about!
I lied.
I did blame that bear.
I must've killed
20- or 30-odd bear
on the off chance
that one of 'em was the bear.
-Jesus!
-I know!
Because of this guy!
It's been him.
Writing our story,
killing our parents,
making us suffer.
-For what?
-For what?
Character development.
Oh! You took everything from me!
[Michael grunting]
[Eli] Get him!
Your little book caused us both
a world of trouble.
Well, guess who
finds himself smack-dab
in the middle of the story?
You wanted an antagonist?
[Michael grunts]
Here's your
goddamned antagonist!
You think
you can just fuck with our lives
like you're
the Lord God Almighty?
That's what I told him.
He thinks
he's the Lord Almighty.
Well, if you are God...
I ain't impressed.
Now, get up.
I was just up.
Well...
get up again!
I'm just gonna end up
back on the floor!
[gun cocks]
Yeah.
You just might.
Okay.
I'm up.
We're gonna settle this
the old-fashioned way...
pistola...
draw.
I got a deadline.
I'm not gonna shoot you.
Oh, you're gonna miss that.
[Michael] Guys...
Ten.
[gun clatters]
Nine.
-Just wait!
-[Ambrose] Eight.
You can't kill me. You
don't know what's gonna happen.
If you wanted that to work,
you would've written us
lives worth livin'.
Seven.
Okay, I will.
-You'll what?
-I'll rewrite you.
Lives worth living.
I'll give you anything you want.
I'm listenin'.
I'll write you land.
I'll write you money.
I'll write you women, big dicks,
and a billion dollars.
-A million dollars!
-Deal.
Cash.
And, and--
Well, my dick's just fine,
thank you very much.
I suspect he could use
an inch or two.
I wouldn't rightly know.
Are you seriously
considering this?
Yes.
He killed our parents!
And I'd say that's roughly
worth around a million dollars.
Listen to yourself.
He deserves to die!
No, he deserves to pay.
Look, my parents died
a long time ago.
I-- I'm over it.
I got my own life to live now.
And if he wants to write me
$1 million...
I think my parents
would understand.
Hell, maybe he could even
write your parents back to life!
Well, that's a big part
of his motivation.
I'm trying to help you out here!
Okay, fine, I get--
Yeah, I can do that.
It's not the same.
It wouldn't be real.
It was never real.
It's real to me!
Come on, man.
You've gotta let it go.
We can't kill him, he's right.
We can't get revenge!
Or we'd just be
killing ourselves.
But we can get rich.
Come on, Eli.
Do yourself a favor...
and let's get rich.
And I don't wanna be
sheriff no more.
It's too much work.
I wanna be president.
Yeah, me too.
Uh, well, no,
we can't both be president.
Listen,
you can be my vice president.
Nah. I wanna be king.
Of America?
You said
I can have whatever I want.
Fine.
Here's your protagonist.
Well, go on.
We'd best get to work on
that big old hemorrhoid!
Whoo!
[Mom] No, the keys
are already in my hands.
I'm leaving right now.
Don't worry.
We'll be on time
for the open house.
Aw, fuck.
No, I'm okay.
My asshole brother
just showed up.
All right,
I'll see you soon, bye.
Hey, Jean,
what's going on over there?
Hi, Jackie, um, I'm good.
Great, just great.
I just stopped off
to drop a card off for Matthew.
You mean Michael?
Yeah, Michael,
I got it, I knew that.
I know my nephew's fucking name.
Uh, he had a birthday
a couple of days ago, did he?
Two months ago.
Yeah, I was out of town,
and I can't keep up on
every little fucking thing there
is to keep up on, you know.
Well, I-- I certainly appreciate
that you drove all the way
out here to drop it off.
Hey, I read, uh, Matthew's book.
Yeah,
what did you think about it?
Oh, I thought that mother
character was something else.
Well, you know,
she was based on me.
Is he around?
You know, he hasn't lived here
for quite a few years.
He's 27.
Jeez, 27
and he's got his own place?
Good for him.
Yeah, yeah. He's actually
working on his second book.
Yeah, it's-- it's about cowboys.
What is it,
a fucking picture book?
No, it's more of
a Lonesome Dove kind of thing.
I-- I think.
Jeez, he's so successful.
He's got his own place.
He's just doing so well, jeez.
Do you think you could lend me
a couple of hundred bucks?
[Jean sighs]
Okay.
I want a woman, one that
I don't have to pay for.
Oh, what's your problem, man?
You got a million dollars.
Whores gotta eat.
Yeah, but I want something more.
You can hire
as many as you like.
Yeah, you won't understand.
I want what you have.
I want what he's got.
You mean Naomi?
Yeah, but before you ruined it.
Wha-- wait, you got a woman?
What, did you have
to write her up too?
No, but he damn near ruined
her life like he did ours.
Oh, that checks out.
Okay, can we focus
on your story, not mine?
[Eli] She got
the short end of the stick.
No time for Miss Naomi.
She came to her senses
and ran for the hills.
[Ambrose] Makes sense.
Women tend
to have certain needs.
If I had a woman
like Miss Naomi...
there'd be no book on this earth
that would get between us.
Look, that's not fair, okay?
I have a job.
Don't she?
Yeah, but it's different.
Oh, yeah, hers is much harder.
She works at a fine saloon.
Oh?
-Not like that.
-Oh.
Look, I can't meet my deadline
if I spend all my time
with Naomi, okay?
You're not gonna meet it anyway.
Only now you got no book
and you got no girl.
What Naomi and I have
is none of your business.
[laughing]
Now it's none of yours neither.
[Ambrose and Eli laughing]
Darn.
Ooh, I actually might know
a woman who you might like.
I mean, she ain't cheap,
but trust me, she's worth it.
Oh, yeah? What is she like?
A bit rough.
[exhales sharply]
I'm liking that.
Can you write that down?
What was that last part?
-"A bit rough."
-"A bit rough."
No, before that.
You said you wanted land?
Oh...
somewhere nice.
Thousand acres.
I'm gonna build myself a town.
Actually, scratch that.
Sounds like
an awful lot of work.
Just write it, "build",
I'll think of a name.
Ambrosia.
Yeah.
I want some land too.
I like it out here,
I'm a fan of the climate.
Exactly my thinking.
Well, we both can't be out here.
Says who?
Says me.
-[guns cocking]
-Guys.
Guys, guys put the guns down.
This town is big enough
for the two of you, okay?
Okay, Eli, Santa Monica,
Brentwood and Beverly Hills...
and Ambrose can have the valley.
He gets the whole valley?
That's nice.
[Michael] Yeah, it's great,
people love it.
I want a valley.
Trust me, you'll be fine.
Actually, you know, I've been
meaning to ask you a question.
You got these magic kitchens,
got them horseless carriages,
these fancy old hemorrhoids.
You poop in water.
Why are you so interested
in writing about our time?
I mean, why not write about now?
So much more interesting.
Other than the inside outhouse.
Yes.
Disgusting.
It's a whole genre.
It's called a Western.
Used to be really popular...
till it kind of
went out of fashion.
But there was
all these books and-- and--
and-- and shows and movies.
It was huge.
What's a movie?
[banjo riff playing]
[piano on TV playing]
I knew a man at Stanley's
that played the piano like that.
His name was Sancho.
Oh, yeah.
He had a brother,
one-legged sort, named Raul.
He had a wonky eye.
Never knew exactly
which one to look into.
I shot him off a horse
and sent him down a canyon.
Well, good riddance, Raul.
Hey, are you guys
gonna talk the entire movie?
Sorry.
Eli here
was busy confessing to a crime.
[Ambrose]
It feels weird to do nothing.
I could have stopped that.
[action music playing on TV]
[western music playing on TV]
Okay.
Okay, now that there...
that is an antagonist.
You know...
when I was a boy,
I used to want to be an outlaw.
Gets lonely.
You had to write him
both lonely and stupid?
I mean, hell, you couldn't write
him a partner?
[man on TV] Shoot him!
Shoot him now!
[gunshot on TV]
-Guys, what are you doing?
-You got him?
-Put the guns down!
-I don't see him.
Up there in the hills.
Hills? There are no hills!
He's gotta be a sharp shooter.
Take a shot, Eli.
[knocking on door]
Who the hell's that?
Get in my room, please.
No, why do we have to go
in your room?
Because if you don't,
I'll write you a one-inch dick,
and I'll stick you
in Rancho Cucamonga.
All right, we're moving.
Rancho Cucamongo sounds nice.
Means I get the valley.
Hey.
What happened to your nose?
Dry weather.
You know, I get-- I get
bloody noses. You know that.
No, I don't.
I thought
you were gonna call me.
I said I might call you.
So instead,
you just decided to come over?
Yeah, I wanted to know
what was going on with you.
What about
what's going on with me?
That weird
cowboy guy at the caf?
He said his name was Eli West.
-He did?
-Who was he?
Look,
you're not gonna understand.
-It's hard to explain.
-Try me.
I don't know how to explain it.
He's a character from the book.
I am done.
I'm not lying.
-Then answer me.
-I'm telling the truth.
Somehow,
two characters from the book
came out into the real world.
I don't get it
any more than you do.
Wait, look. Guys! Guys!
[tense guitar riff playing]
[birds singing]
Hold on, okay?
[tense western
instrumental playing]
Guys?
Guys?
I swear they were right here.
Yeah, I hope you really
have lost your mind
because if you're going through
all of this
to prove some stupid lie--
I'm not lying, I swear, I just--
[toilet flushing]
So they keep it
inside the house?
Twenty feet from his bed.
-And you poop in the water?
-Mm-hmm.
[Michael] Guys.
Meet Naomi.
Miss Naomi.
You work at a fine saloon.
You mean caf?
You should really
consider serving whiskey.
Well, wait...
you got a saloon
that don't serve whiskey?
No, but they have
this espresso shot
that'll knock your socks off.
Well, what's in it?
Sarsaparilla?
No, just coffee.
Coffee? Saloon serves coffee,
but you don't got whiskey.
Well, it's not a saloon.
It's a coffee shop.
Well, why would you need
a whole shop just for coffee?
What you need is whiskey.
Right.
Michael, who are these people?
Sheriff Morgan Ambrose, ma'am.
-Oh!
-Hey!
I thought we were past that.
So-- Sorry.
Ya heathen.
We'll give you
a moment to process.
Just watch your step.
Sorry.
[Michael sighs]
Okay. Michael,
who are they, like, really?
I told you. They're characters
from the book.
You mean,
like actors hired to role-play
to help you become,
like, unstuck or whatever?
I wish.
No, they're literally
characters from the book
somehow existing in the flesh,
and I'm stuck with them.
Well, that's insane.
That's pretty much
where we're at there too, ma'am.
Well, actually,
now we're doing rewrites.
I'm getting the valley.
-The valley?
-[Ambrose] The whole damn thing.
Good for you.
[Ambrose] Gracias.
[Eli] And I'm getting Brentwood.
I thought you were gonna
give us a moment.
[Ambrose clears throat]
[sighs]
Why don't we have a seat?
[dramatic western guitar riff
plays]
Okay.
So,
he's the protagonist?
Allegedly.
And he's the villain.
She said
it ain't black and white.
Why couldn't I have just
written another boring book
about my boring life?
Well, because you went through
that in your first book,
and you haven't lived
at all since then.
Ee, that's a hell of a mouthful.
She has a point.
-Shut up, Eli.
-Yeah, shut up, Eli.
-[phone alarm blaring]
-What the hell is that?
It's dark magic. You're just
gonna have to roll with it.
It's my mom. I'll call her back.
Your mom?
Why aren't you gonna
talk to your mom?
I'm a little busy.
Busy?
You know what I'd give
to talk to my ma and my pa?
Same.
Except I can't,
'cause someone
killed 'em with a bear.
And someone killed mine
with an Ambrose.
Right, exactly.
It was totally out of my hands.
Wait, what?
He killed our parents.
They blame me because I killed
their parents in the book.
I guess that does make sense.
-See?
-See?
Don't side with them.
Well, it is true.
[phone alarm blaring]
Hey, Mom.
Yeah-- now?
No.
Okay, it's fine.
Uh, just give me, like,
a minute to get dressed.
You're fully dressed.
[whispering] Shut up.
[in normal voice] I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that wasn't to you.
Okay, I love you, I love you.
-[Naomi] Wait, she's here?
-She's here.
Okay,
you guys gotta get in my room.
[Ambrose and Eli] Why--
why can't you just
tell her the truth?
Because my mom
is not gonna handle this well.
Why not? Miss Naomi's handling
it just fine.
Uh, who said
I'm doing just fine?
Look, my mom is different.
I didn't have a choice
with Naomi.
Okay? My mom's gonna overreact.
Just get in my room
and stay there
till I come get you.
-Please?
-[sighs] Okay.
But listen,
when we do them rewrites,
you're adding another inch.
-Fine.
-An inch of what?
It's a long story.
Well, Eli's better equipped
to tell you the short version.
[sly guitar riff playing]
Hey, where are you going?
You're not from the Old West.
You can stay.
Oh, shit. Okay, sorry.
That's fine.
Just help me stall her.
Okay, fine.
Um,
does she know we broke up?
-We broke up?
-Yes.
What did you think happened?
We had a fight.
No, Michael, that was a breakup.
We didn't say
the words "break up."
We didn't have to.
It was implied.
Not to me.
-Don't play dumb.
-I'm not playing dumb.
-You know what I mean.
-[knocking on door]
Just wanted to make sure
you were dressed.
Naomi, sweetie, how are you?
I can't complain.
Hey, uh, Mom,
just a quick question.
What's that in your bag?
Oh, uh, well, I was driving home
from showing a house, right?
And I know you're busy with your
book, and I'm very sorry,
but I, uh, I remembered the
other day when I was over here,
and I was using your dustbuster,
and the suction
wasn't working so well.
So I thought I would just
drop off my own personal one.
Great, I'll add it
to my collection.
All right, awesome.
-Thanks, Mom.
-Uh, you're welcome.
You know,
you should just let me get
that little cat hair over
there.
I don't understand that.
You don't even own a cat.
It's fine, Mom. I can do it
later. I can do it myself.
I mean,
you have company, Michael.
It's Naomi. It's not the Pope.
Hey!
That's not very nice.
Naomi knows what I meant.
You don't have
to take that from him.
I don't, believe me.
That's my girl.
Okay, thank you, Mom.
Hey, you should open up some
windows in here, air it out--
-and why is this door closed?
-Mom! It's fine.
You should keep this door open
so mildew won't build up.
[Michael] It's--
I want it-- I want it closed.
And you'll never get rid
of that smell.
Oh!
Uh, you have friends over?
Michael's mother.
It is such a pleasure to make
your acquaintance, ma'am.
My name
is Sheriff Morgan Ambrose.
We live over yonder.
I just stopped by
to talk to Michael
about some ideas I had
regarding his book.
Oh, you read his book?
-Isn't it magnificent?
-Hoo!
He is just so talented.
Does seem a little late,
though, to give him notes.
Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm referring
to his new novel
about the heroic sheriff
and the half-wit outlaw
who blames the sheriff
for his shitty life--
Sundown in Amarillo?
Or whatever we decide
to call it end of day, yes.
What's wrong
with Sundown in Amarillo?
Well, it's a bit
of a show pony with the runs.
It's a fine title
for a first draft.
-[Eli clears throat]
-Uh-oh.
Mom, this is Eli.
West.
Ma'am.
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
Didn't expect you
to be so lovely
and full of life,
given Michael likes to kill
people's parents
in his fables.
Well, not his first book,
you know,
'cause that would be me.
Right?
Well, it was an amalgam
of a lot of people.
Me and all
your other mothers named Jean.
It was fiction.
I thought
it was about your life.
Shut up, Eli.
Yeah, shut up, Eli.
Well, um,
I'm gonna take off,
I want to go home and change
out of my work clothes
and, uh, anyway,
you guys can get back to...
whatever
is going on around here.
All right?
-Okay. Yeah. Thank you, Mom.
-All right. All right.
Oh, uh, your Uncle Jackie,
uh, sent you a birthday card,
uh, to my address
by mistake two months late,
but no one's perfect.
Thank you, Mom. I'll read it
right when I get a chance.
Okay. All right.
-All right, bye sweetie.
-[Naomi] Bye, Jean.
[Jean] You know,
I-- I don't mind getting
-that cat hair over there.
-[Michael] I mind.
[Jean] I know,
but you'd have company.
[Michael] No, I know-- I do--
I have-- I have company, so.
-All right, baby. I love you.
-All right.
-Just take a break, that's all.
-Drive safe.
Love you. Bye!
[tense music plays]
Such a sweet lady.
Yeah, too sweet.
What a lovely problem to have.
A parent.
Alive.
Let's get back to the novel.
I can't stop thinking
about all the new things I want.
Eli was telling me
about one of these
invisible horseless
carriage jobbies
that damn near
ran you down in the street.
Am I right?
Eli said it was mighty quick!
-Huh?
-The horseless carriage thingy.
Yeah, quick.
Almost ran me over.
You scribble me up
one of them?
Fine, whatever.
My mom's right
about one thing,
I need to go
take a nap or something.
I'm tired.
You guys stay here.
Don't touch anything,
and don't go anywhere,
all right?
[Ambrose] Well, wait,
we were just starting
to get shit done.
We got a deadline, remember?
Michael's right.
I think he should rest
so he can focus.
We need his mind right
if he's gonna rewrite
our entire lives.
Fine. You got 30 minutes.
Whatever, I'm lying down.
Where were you born?
Michael! I'll join you.
What's up?
Nothing,
I just didn't want to be
out there alone with them.
You think I did?
Yeah, they're so weird.
They're weird?
They're first drafts
from a half written novel.
Did you expect them
to act normal?
I don't like them.
-Critics.
-[Naomi chuckles]
Asshole.
[thud]
[farting]
[Ambrose exhales]
[Ambrose]
The hell's gotten into you?
Can't believe I'm saying this,
but you seem awfully quiet.
It ain't right.
What ain't?
Seeing her here.
The way he treats her.
It ain't right.
We're getting
everything we want.
Money. Land. Women.
You getting fixed
what God saw fit to short you.
He's doing everything he can
to make it right.
We can't kill him,
you remember?
We don't need to kill him.
Well, what the hell
do you want?
I want revenge.
[tense western
instrumental plays]
Uh-oh.
That ain't good.
[Naomi whispering]
Michael. Michael!
Huh? What?
We have a problem.
I overheard them
in the hallway talking,
and I think
they were talking about revenge.
Revenge?
Well-- they can't--
They already know
that they can't kill me.
Well, not you.
Then who?
[both] The card.
[Ambrose] Hey, you describe
me here as "weathered."
Does that mean
like seasoned and handsome,
or does it just mean old?
Where is he?
-Who?
-Eli.
Where the fuck did he go?
Well, for the record,
I want you to know
that I had
nothing to do with it.
Goddamn it.
He's gone, isn't he?
Mr. Protagonist took
your birthday letter.
Said he's gonna
kill your ma.
And somehow I'm the villain.
And you're just in here
reading, sheriff?
Why didn't you tell us?
I am telling you.
And considering you killed
my ma with a grizzly bear,
I figured staying out of it
was the most appropriate thing
I could do.
Goddamn it, Ambrose.
If you go after Eli,
you're gonna die.
-Well, then I die.
-Well, then I die.
And moreover,
I'm out a million dollars!
Goddamn it, you're right.
We best get a move on
if we're gonna catch up to Eli.
We? No.
You're staying right here
where I know you're safe.
It's bad enough
Eli's out there by himself.
I may be fictional,
but I'm still a sheriff.
And if you two
are going after Eli West,
you're gonna need
someone who can shoot.
You're not gonna shoot Eli.
Are you crazy?
Fine. I won't shoot Eli.
But listen,
when we do them rewrites,
I wants to be the king.
You said
you didn't want a king?
Well, that was
when it were Eli.
I wouldn't feel
quite so strongly about it
if it were me.
Her phone's going straight
to voicemail. We need to go.
Okay, fine. Don't shoot Eli,
and you can be king.
Let me get my hat.
[hip-hop music playing]
[Eli] Down, girl! Ho!
[Eli grunts]
Take me to here.
Hey, you know, the next time
you're picking a protagonist,
you just remember
that it was me riding with you
and not Mr. Antihero.
I didn't want your help.
I told you to stay at home.
Well, I'm just saying
it's some pretty basic
storytelling is all.
I ain't the one
trying to kill your ma.
All right, can we stay focused
on reality for one second,
instead of fiction?
Hey.
Your mom's gonna be okay.
[Ambrose chuckles]
I don't think it's his mommy
that Michael's
all concerned about.
He's worried about
Mr. Antihero getting banged up
by local law or such.
Worried about his book.
That's not true.
Oh, ain't it?
[Eli] Wait here.
Don't go nowhere.
[tires screeching]
Hell with him.
Oh, hi.
-Eli, right?
-Yes, ma'am.
Is Michael with you?
Yeah,
he's just right behind me.
Thought I'd get a jump start
and come on over.
Okay. Well-- well, come on in.
Oh, wipe
your feet first, please.
-Yeah, sorry.
-Oh, yes. Sorry about that.
That's, uh.
[boot thumping]
Great.
[Jean]
The tea is a little strong.
I like to add
almond milk in it,
you know, to jazz it up.
Is that okay?
Yeah, that's fine.
Anybody see him?
-[Naomi] Maybe we beat him here.
-[Ambrose] Oh, I doubt that.
My mom's probably
making him tea.
[Ambrose] Such a sweet lady.
[Naomi] All right, come on.
We better hurry.
Mom!
A bag of poop says
your mom's a goner by now.
-Mom!
-[Ambrose] Oh, what I hear?
Oh, the sound
of your mom's throat
getting slit.
-[Michael] Mom!
-Michael?
[gun cocks]
I'm gonna need you
to stay put.
Don't you have a key?
Oh, yeah. Good thinking.
Yeah. I'm a genius.
-[lock turning]
-It was unlocked.
[Naomi] Oh, gosh, Michael.
[Jean] No!
No! Let me go.
-Mom!
-Michael!
Don't come any closer,
or I'll kill her!
-No!
-[gunshot]
-[Jean screams]
-[Michael] What are you doing?
Do you want him to kill her?
[tense music plays]
Shh, shh, shh.
-[grunting]
-[Jean screams]
[Eli shouts]
[Eli] Goddamn it,
get back here.
[Naomi] Michael.
[Eli] Come here.
No, no, no.
[Jean struggling]
Stop it. Stop.
[Ambrose shushing]
[Jean] No, Michael!
Michael, go call someone
who can help us.
You're gonna
get us all killed, Michael!
Michael.
[Michael] Let her go.
Come on.
Eli, let her go.
Come on, man, she's got
nothing to do with this.
She has
everything to do with it.
This is about you and me.
-And me.
-Shut up, Ambrose.
Let's just settle this,
you and me right now.
Let's be done with it, okay?
I don't care
if I have to start over
and spend
another year or two,
or I never get to write
another fucking book again.
I just want to be done
with it, okay?
Let her go
and let's do this.
Okay, but you know
in these situations,
it's customary to draw.
No!
[Naomi] Michael,
you can do this.
I believe in you.
[Ambrose]
That makes one of us.
Fine.
Oh, my God, I love you.
[Jean screams]
[Ambrose]
Remember, if you kill him,
you owe me
one million dollars.
If we still exist.
[Ambrose] Oh.
[bold western
instrumental plays]
We're gonna
holster our weapon.
On three.
Draw.
-[gunshot]
-[Jean] Oh, my God!
-[Naomi] Michael!
-[Jean] Michael! Oh!
-[Naomi] Oh, no!
-[Jean] Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, baby. Oh.
[Ambrose]
How the hell are you the hero?
Antihero.
[Ambrose] Well,
that was just straight up anti.
There ain't nothing hero
about it.
[Jean] I believed in you.
I believed in you,
I'm so sorry, baby.
-[Eli] Get up.
-[Jean panting]
Get up.
Get up.
Oh, no. Please.
Please.
You took everything from me.
No amount of money
or land's gonna change that.
As far as I'm concerned,
I'm letting you off easy.
[gun cocks]
You're supposed to be
the good guy.
I'm supposed to have a family.
I'm supposed to be
a human being,
not some fucking character
in a book.
Now I don't know what I am.
[Jean sobbing] No!
But I know what I'm not.
I'm not you.
I don't know
if that's the way you wrote me,
but I'm not you.
If you get to write my story,
I get to choose my ending.
Oh, my God.
-[gun cocks]
-If anybody's gonna kill you...
it's gonna be me.
[exhales] Well, go on then.
Another day, I suppose.
After all...
what's a villain
without his hero?
[Eli sighs]
[Jean] I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
-[Jean] Oh, my God.
-[Naomi] Oh, gross. That's--
-That's nasty.
-[Jean] Look at all this blood.
Oh, my God. [panting]
-No, no, no, don't fall asleep.
-Don't tap. Don't tap.
-[Jean] Okay, no tapping.
-[Naomi] Michael!
Oh, Michael. Oh, my God.
Look at all this blood.
[Jean] Okay,
I need to get paper towels.
-I'll get some paper towels.
-No, no, no, no.
-Call an ambulance. Quickly!
-[Jean] Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Mom.
I'm sorry. I fucked up.
I shouldn't have
gotten you involved in this.
Baby, I don't know
what the fuck is going on here,
but if you're okay,
I'm okay, okay?
-I love you.
-I love you, baby.
Let me call the ambulance.
Right, quickly.
Hi.
You gonna be all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, I just got
a bullet in my shoulder.
Eli's got something
he wants to say to you.
Sorry I shot you.
[Ambrose] Eli.
And for jumping the draw.
Attaboy.
It's like he said...
I got off easy.
[Ambrose chuckling] That's true.
I guess we're even?
Not even close.
-On three.
-Be careful.
-[Eli grunts]
-He said, "Be careful."
[Ambrose]
You jumped the draw again.
You got it?
Remember,
you still owe us a rewrite.
[upbeat joyful music plays]
Not yet.
What's wrong with you?
Wow, that smells amazing.
Well, here, sweetie.
Have a taste test.
-Thank you, Jean.
-You're welcome.
Mm, it's delicious.
Yay.
All right,
make yourself useful
and take this
out to our guests.
Come on, quick.
Before it gets cold.
You can do it.
There you go.
[Michael] Hey, guys.
[Benny]
Good to see you talking again.
He was all broken up.
[Jordan] Benny!
What? He looked like shit.
Remember? You were there.
Yeah, well,
me and Naomi have decided
to work things out.
Right.
[Dylan] When do you go
back to your place?
As soon as she lets me leave.
[Jean] It seems a bit early.
I just don't like the idea
of you being all alone.
And what's the rush?
I mean, he has nothing to do.
He just got dropped
by his publisher.
-[Jordan] Benny!
-[Naomi] Benny! Really?
What?
Oh, uh,
tell them about our new idea.
Yeah, it's really cool.
So, uh, it's like
Bonnie and Clyde, right?
But in modern times,
with two men.
[Naomi]
Ooh, what's it called?
Well, I haven't decided
on a title.
Oh, we're gonna call it
Clyde and Clyde.
[chuckles]
But I can pretty much rule
that one out.
[Benny] Well, anything's better
than Sundown in Amarillo.
-[Benny chuckles]
-Benny!
Do us a favor.
Put some bread in your mouth.
Well, tell them
about our idea.
Well, it's a love story.
It's got
this great heist, though.
These two guys roll up
to this Russian poker game
in a red GTO,
armed to the fucking gills,
and make off
with over two million dollars.
Well, tell them more.
That's pretty much
where I'm stuck.
[all chuckle]
Michael.
-[Jean] Jesus Christ.
-That's my Michael.
[Benny]
Can you pass the fusilli?
-[Dylan] Yeah.
-[Jordan] Can I get--
Oh, right here.
All right. Anybody else?
I have breadsticks.
-[all] Yeah!
-You want some bread sticks?
All right. Not for you.
-Not for you.
-[Michael laughs]
[jazzy rock music playing]
[engine starts]
[tires screeching]
[Timmy on TV] Oh, Paul.
I've been missing you.
[horse neighing on TV]
[man on TV] I'm sorry, Timmy.
Looks like old Butterscotch
has had her day in the sun.
-[horse neighing]
-[Timmy on TV] Oh, Pappy.
Oh, Butterscotch.
[Timmy] I ain't ready
to say goodbye yet.
-[Eli sobbing]
-[horse neighing on TV]
[man on TV]
Well, old Butterscotch.
[Eli sobbing, sniffing]
Oh, that's why
I became an outlaw.
[Eli sobbing]
[Timmy on TV]
Can you sit me up on his back,
so I can whisper in...
Fuck you, dad!
[man on TV] All right, Timmy.
Yup.
[Timmy on TV]
I love you, But--
-[gunshot on TV]
-[horse neighing on TV]
[horse nickering on TV]
[jazzy rock music plays]
[music ends]
[wind whistling]
[dramatic western music playing]
[doors closing]
[Michael] The shootout
is action in its purest form.
[western music continues]
Take away the stunts...
the explosions...
the weaponry...
and you're left
with the characters.
It's about two people...
ten feet apart.
No fancy tricks.
It's about what brought them
to this point.
What brought these characters
to where
they're willing to die...
just for the opportunity
to kill the other person?
[music stops]
I'm just not as captivated
by Westerns as you are.
It's all
I can think about.
And all you can talk about.
And for someone
who has a deadline,
you're spending
way too much time talking.
Yeah, you're right.
So Eli
just got to Amarillo.
He's there
to kill Sheriff Ambrose,
and he's pissing
on the side of the saloon.
And that's where I'm stuck.
Mid-stream, I literally
don't know how to finish a piss.
Forget where the rest
of the story's going.
Just ask your editors
for another extension.
I don't wanna get
a reputation, you know?
Besides, good writing comes
from deadlines and pressure,
when your back's
up against the wall.
Look what I found.
Bow! [chuckles]
I was thinking
this could help, you know,
get into
the right frame of mind.
I thought
you were sick of Westerns.
I am.
But I'm not quite
sick of you.
Well, at the very least
it's an excuse to play dress-up.
And I think you should
start tonight, partner.
Tonight?
Dinner and a movie?
I got this deadline.
I know. I-- I'm sorry.
[scoffs] Michael, all you do
is wake up and grind away.
That's what writers do.
They also live their lives.
Come on.
You're gonna make me beg?
Okay, fine.
For you,
and only for you...
I will take a break.
All right.
Well, I need
to get back to work.
-I'll see you tonight?
-I'll see you tonight.
All right. Later.
[western music playing]
[rock music playing over stereo]
[phone alarm blaring]
[phone] Warning.
Warning. Warning. Warning.
[quirky music playing]
Brought you something.
Mom, I already have
four of those. They still work.
I mean,
from the looks of this place,
I just assumed
they were broken.
Okay, great.
Thanks. I get it.
I'll-- I will--
I'll use this Swiffer.
Are you busy?
I gotta get back to work.
Okay, okay.
Let me just put this
in the back room.
Okay, fine.
[footsteps retreating]
Honey, where do you keep
your Clorox wipes?
-Mom!
-What?
I can clean my own place.
Can you get out?
Can you?
Yes! I--
I gotta get back to work.
I'll call you later.
Okay, okay, sweetie.
May I use the restroom, though,
before I go, is that okay?
-Of course. Fine.
-Okay. All right.
All right.
Don't wanna disturb you.
Just make it quick.
[Michael sighs]
[vacuum whirring]
Mom!
Mom!
Get the fuck out.
[whirring stops]
[western music playing]
[music fades]
[Naomi] Sorry, I didn't have
time to go home and change.
[tense music playing]
[Michael sighs]
What the hell is going on?
-I'm fucked.
-What?
I'm fucked.
I got a draft due in 72 hours,
and I got nothing. I'm fucked.
Okay, you are freaking me out.
Sorry, I don't mean
to freak you out.
I'm just fucked.
Okay, Michael,
what's the problem?
And don't say
that you're fucked.
Fuck, I don't know!
I mean, look!
I've been staring
at these cards for four hours.
Okay.
You know why
you can't come up with anything?
Because you don't do anything.
Ask your editor
for an extension.
I'm sure they'd rather have
something great in a month
than something shitty now.
Well, I--
I don't wanna disappoint them.
They're your editors,
not your parents.
Disappoint them
and who gives a damn?
If they don't like it,
then you get new editors.
-It's not that easy.
-It can be.
-No, it can't.
-Why not?
-It's complicated.
-Well, make it less complicated.
-It's not that easy.
-Oh, my gosh. [chuckles]
Okay, I'm tired
of hearing about it.
I am tired
of hearing about Eli West
and Sheriff fucking Ambrose.
All you do
is bitch about this idea,
so maybe
you're just not that into it.
It's always your publishers
or your editors or your readers.
Maybe it's you.
You are miserable,
and it's making me miserable.
Look at me!
I just got off
a really long shift.
I'm still in my uniform.
I come over here
because we're supposed
to have a date night.
You promised
and then forgot.
And then promised
and forgot again.
And I get that
you have work to do,
but I am sick
of taking a back seat.
A back seat?
I'm not even
in the damn car.
Of course
you're in the car.
I'm not.
You forgot me
just like you forgot dinner.
-Again.
-I got a deadline!
What do you want me to do?
There's always a deadline.
There's always a new chapter...
a new book, a new idea.
And I've seen enough to know
that you clearly can't handle
work and a relationship.
I don't wanna live
like this anymore.
Wait, we can talk
about this, okay?
We can work on it.
You and me, together.
Just later.
I don't think we can.
[footsteps retreating]
Naomi.
-[Naomi sighs] I have to go.
-Just--
[door slams]
-Hey, dude.
-Hey!
Oh, geez.
You look like shit.
Make it a good one.
What are you guys
doing here?
Uh, we're here
to play poker?
We thought
you could use some company.
Look, I appreciate it, guys,
thank you.
But I gotta finish a draft
of Amarillo by Monday morning.
That's the title?
Sundown In Amarillo.
What, you don't like it?
It's, like,
good for a work-y thing-y.
[Jordan]
At least take this.
It's kind of like
what Hemingway said.
You know,
"Write drunk, edit sober."
Yeah, was that before
or after he killed himself?
[Benny] Uh, I think before.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Just give us
a call in the morning.
And remember,
don't think about Naomi.
-Jesus.
-You're an idiot.
I was just trying
to help!
If you're trying to help,
you might as well
just punch him in the face.
I'm not really sure
how that would help him.
[melancholy western
music playing]
[urine trickling]
[rumbling]
[music warping]
[grunts]
-[goat bleating]
-[urine trickling]
Gonna tie my pecker to a
tree,
to a tree, to a tree
Gonna tie my pecker
to a tree
Gonna tie my pecker to a
tree,
to a tree, to a tree
Gonna tie my pecker
to a tree
Gonna tie
my pecker to a tree...
What the fuck?
To a tree, to a tree--
The fuck?
[urine continues trickling]
-Who the fuck--
-[Michael shouts]
Ew-- Fuck!
[Eli sighs]
[gun cocks]
The fuck?
What are you doing
in my yard?
Your yard?
Ain't the Stanley's?
Who the fuck is Stanley?
Stanley's Saloon?
Does this look like
a fuckin' saloon?
Am I in Amarillo?
Am-- Texas?
No, you're not in Texas.
This is LA.
El-Ay?
Yeah, California.
California--
[laughing]
This isn't California!
Who are you?
-Eli West.
-[bullet clinks]
Who the hell are you?
Did you say Eli West?
How do you know that name?
Who are you?
Just said
I'm Elijah fuckin' West.
Now answer my question.
Come up with your name now.
I'm Michael.
This is my house.
Why are you pissing
on my fence?
Figured I was at Stanley's.
Use a fuckin' toilet.
Toilet, you mean
like a French shitter?
-Like a what?
-[Eli laughing]
I don't see no shitter.
Inside!
You keep a shitter
inside your house?
Where else
would I keep it?
Outside the house.
Like in an outhouse?
Wait, go back.
Why did you say Eli West?
-Who are you?
-You asked me, peckerwood.
It's Elijah West.
Stop doing that!
Did Jordan send you here?
Jordan?
Yeah. Or my mom?
Eli West isn't real.
He's a character from a book.
Oh, shit. I guess I got a little
bit of a legend going on.
No, man.
He's a character from my book.
I created him.
Mister, I don't know
who you think you are,
but there's only one creator,
and that's the Lord Almighty.
Fuck this.
All right,
if you're Eli West,
what's your horse's name?
[clicks tongue] That's tough.
Lydia.
Okay, then
what about your parents?
Jesse and Marie West.
Shot in cold blood
when I was a little boy.
Okay, man.
It's not funny anymore.
I know it ain't funny.
I was there.
-Single darkest day of my life--
-Yeah, I know, I know.
Single dark--
I know the story.
Are you insinuating
you know them?
Know them?
I fuckin' wrote them.
Okay, you've just about
crossed the line, mister.
I crossed the line? [scoffs]
-Who are you?
-Are we really back at that?
-[scoffs] You're insane.
-I'm insane?
You're the one
that thinks he's God Almighty.
You're not real.
Eli West is not real.
Well, I guess that piss
you're drenched in
ain't real then neither.
I'm losing my fuckin' mind.
First thing he said
I'll agree with.
Ah, so California, you say?
I think I'd remember
riding to California.
It's about a two-week trip.
Okay, look,
I wanna show you something.
What is it?
I'll kill it.
It's a computer.
Like a lantern?
Like a book.
You know
what a book is, right?
Yeah, I know what a book is.
That ain't a book.
It's like a book
made out of technology.
You can do
all kinds of shit on it.
So, like...
magic?
Electricity.
You guys had electricity, right?
Not like that.
This is a book
I'm writing about Eli West.
He's an outlaw.
It's fiction.
-Eli West is fiction.
-Pardon me?
-Fiction. Not real.
-I know what fiction is.
That's not the part
I'm concerned about.
[groans] You--
you're saying...
I'm a character...
in this magic book?
I'm saying Eli West...
is the hero
in my book, yeah.
Hero.
Now I know you're full of shit.
-[Michael] He's an antihero.
-Nothing against heroes.
I just wouldn't consider
myself one.
No, idiot.
He's a reluctant hero.
Reluctant?
Why don't you just write
about someone who wants the job?
I thought it would be
more interesting.
Whatever keeps you interested.
[Eli chuckles]
You okay, partner?
-I'm gonna throw up.
-Okay. Just--
You do reek of booze!
And my piss.
[Michael retching]
[outdoor ambiance]
[phone clatters]
Mornin', partner.
All right, who are you?
Get the fuck
out of my house.
Sundown In Amarillo.
You like it?
I see you got that son of
a bitch Morgan Ambrose in here.
He's the antagonist.
Bad guy? A sheriff?
So right here it says
I was on my way
to put a bullet
in between his eyes?
Yeah, that's pretty much
where I'm going with it.
Can you write
a little faster?
I'm writing
as fast as I can, trust me.
So how do you know
all this?
My parents.
The horse
at the neighbor's ranch.
How do you know
I didn't shoot that colt?
I never told anyone that.
Tell Benny or Jordan
or whoever sent you
that it's not helping.
Friend, you look like shit.
Gee, I wonder why.
You might wanna
look inwards.
Whatever this is,
it's not gonna work.
-Okay? Go away.
-How?
My home's a hundred years
and a thousand miles away.
-Come on, I got a deadline!
-Fine.
Not like
you're all that abled
in the ways
of conversation anyway.
-[knocking at door]
-[gun cocks]
-[Michael] Shit, you-- No, stop!
-Who is it?
What do you--
Get your damn hands off of me!
Get in my--
get in my room.
-Okay, I'm going!
-I'll come get you.
Hey!
You know we can see you
in there, right?
[door opens]
[Michael] Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?
Hey, what's up, man?
We thought we'd just,
uh, you know, check up on you.
[Michael]
You didn't want to call first?
-We did.
-Several times.
Hey, who's that guy?
The actor you guys hired?
Actor?
-What, are we filming a movie?
-Yeah, that guy...
We brought you,
uh, sesame seed bagels
and, uh, coffee,
you know, your favorite.
You didn't have to do that.
Hey, man, it's no biggie at all.
Benny paid for it.
-I used your Visa.
-Dude!
You said use it
for an emergency.
[Dylan sighs]
It-- it won't happen again.
[quirky western music playing]
[Eli whistling]
Ah!
[phone alarm blaring]
[phone] Warning.
Warning. Warning. Warning.
[phone vibrating, clattering]
[blaring continues]
Warning. Warning.
Warning. Warning.
[Eli breathing heavily]
All right, thank you guys
so much for the bagels.
I gotta get back to work.
We just wanted to check up
on you 'cause it looked like
you were taking it
pretty hard last night.
It's fine.
It's just this fuckin' deadline.
I figured
it was because of Naomi.
-Benny!
-Dude, what is wrong with you?
It's like
you're not even in the room.
What? They broke up.
We just said we weren't
gonna talk about it, remember?
Positive vibes?
-Duh.
-[Benny] Sorry.
[exhales sharply]
Well, if you need anything,
give us a call.
I will, thank you.
And, uh,
thanks for the bagels.
Yeah, no problem.
Feel better.
[sighing]
All right, they're gone.
Why is my phone
on the floor?
Is that
what you call it?
Are you scared
of my phone?
No, but it went all wild
and stung me like a bee.
It's not gonna hurt you. Relax.
I gotta call Naomi.
-Who?
-My girlfriend. We had a fight.
-I gotta call her.
-Oh.
Well, let me
help you with that.
[shouting] Naomi!
Hey, what the fuck
are you doing?
Calling a woman.
-[shouting] Naomi!
-Call her on the phone!
Fuck. She's not picking up.
She's probably at work.
Well, let's go to work.
We? No, look,
I got a deadline,
and I gotta focus
on writing this draft.
Okay?
You stay here...
and I'm gonna go
and just find her and apologize.
[Eli laughing]
Apologize? To a woman?
Do you want her back?
Sorry if I'm hesitant
to take relationship advice
from a guy who doesn't even
know what a toilet is.
I know what a toilet is,
you French bastard.
I'm not the one
that keeps it inside.
Where he eats.
Okay, look, I'm gonna go.
You stay here.
Not a chance.
Until I can figure out
what's going on with you,
if you're an actor, insane,
or you really are Eli West--
I am Eli West.
Right. I'm sure.
Till I can figure it out,
you're staying here
so I can keep you safe.
Take me.
Dear Jesus!
-[car horn honking]
-[tires screeching]
A little early for Halloween,
isn't it, douchebag?
[Michael]
What the hell are you doing?
Beast nearly killed me!
[Michael] Get out
of the middle of the road!
-What is it?
-It's a car.
-[car horn honking]
-[Eli] A what?
It's like a--
a horseless carriage!
-Where are the horses?
-There aren't any horses!
[Eli] Goddamn!
[Michael] Get out
of the middle of the road!
Sir, I'm really sorry
about that.
I-- He's just
not all there.
Let me ask you something.
You know where Costco is?
Get out of here.
-Assholes, man. Jesus.
-Better get goin'.
Get the fuck back
on the road.
Well, just fine.
-Are you crazy?
-Thing's the devil's spawn.
It's-- All right. Come on.
Well, looky
what we have here.
[chuckles]
[Michael] A Porta-Potty?
I know an outhouse
when I see one.
[restaurant din]
Well, this is nice.
Stay here, please,
and don't move.
[Naomi] What do you want?
You weren't answering
your phone.
I'm working.
Oh, not everyone can decide
when they start and finish.
Naomi, you're the manager.
Not the point.
Can you just give me
a minute to explain?
There's nothing to explain.
I know I fucked up.
I wanna do better.
You can't just
keep apologizing.
Just give me
another chance.
[clears throat]
Hi, what can I get for you?
Whiskey, straight up.
[snickers] We don't serve
whiskey here, sir.
[Eli] Fine, gin.
We don't have gin, either.
Just give me
the strongest thing you got.
We could do an espresso shot.
How's that?
Make it a double.
That sounds fast.
[barista]
That'll be $4.75.
[Eli mutters]
-Better be some good shit.
-[coin clatters on counter]
[chuckles]
Sorry, we don't take, um...
Wait, is this gold?
It's a poke.
Is that a problem?
Not a problem at all.
Gold is fine. Thank you.
Who is that?
He's just a friend of a friend.
He's just a guy I found outside.
Don't--
Look, will you think about it?
I need
to get back to work.
Will you call me after?
I don't know. We'll see.
Hey, that back there.
Does that lead to your whores?
-Ex-- excuse me, sir?
-Your whores.
Hey, there's a lot of people
in the line behind you, sir, so.
I was just curious.
Didn't mean anything by it.
Espresso shot
for "The Eli West"?
Thank you, ma'am.
Ah! That's some strong shit!
Whoo!
[Michael] Let's go.
[Eli] Can, uh,
we hold on to this?
-[Michael] No.
-Shit.
[Eli] Hey, barkeep!
That was some good shit!
Ma'am. Dog.
Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna break the other.
Come on!
[slow western music playing]
[Ambrose] So you're telling me
these phones
are like some kind of
miniature telegraph?
Do you really not know
what a phone is?
[Ambrose] Some sort of...
dark magic.
Wow, he's really
into character, huh?
-Ambrose!
-[gun cocks]
[Jordan] What the fuck
is going on?
[Eli] You son of a bitch,
I'll kill you.
Eli fucking West.
Well, they just let
anybody in here.
Yeah, I can see that.
How the fuck
did you get into my house?
Ambrose let us in.
He said
he was one of your friends.
Oh, you must be Michael.
Well, in my defense,
I was lyin' when I said that.
Yeah, what else is new,
you rotten bastard?
Says a man who's set to hang.
The two of us,
only one of us is a murderer.
I ain't never killed nobody
who didn't have it comin'.
Tell that to my parents!
It should be you
swingin' from that rope!
Wow, they're really
into the character.
Guys, get out of here now.
Do you need us
to call anybody or get any help?
No! Get out of here, okay?
Trust me, I'll explain later.
Let 'em go.
They're not part of this.
I got no quarrel
with these gentlemen.
[Eli] Nor do I.
Dope!
I'm just gonna get out of here.
[Benny] You guys
are so into character.
Oh, my God.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You're Morgan Ambrose?
Sheriff Morgan Ambrose.
You don't deserve that title.
That's rich,
comin' from an outlaw.
Can you guys
not spit on my floor?
Can't promise that.
Not while he's around.
Okay, well, can you at least
put your guns down?
Him first.
Yeah, right.
All right,
I'm just gonna pretend
like this is all real,
and if I'm wrong,
I'll have learned
a very valuable life lesson.
But I can't have you guys
killing each other in my house,
at least not yet.
So if you're gonna have
to shoot someone...
shoot me.
Is that supposed to be like some
kind of ultimatum or something?
I mean,
who the hell are you anyway?
I'm the author.
Oh, the author,
the author of what?
The author of us.
And I'm the protagonist.
Well, what's a protagonist?
The hero.
Hero?
What the hell's that make me?
The antagonist.
The villain.
The villain? I'm a sheriff.
Sheriffs ain't villains.
In what world
is that half-wit a hero?
He's an antihero.
Damn right he's antihero.
He's been chasing me around
for years.
You just found out
you're a fictional character
and this is all you care about?
Why is he the "protauminist"?
Protagonist.
You killed my parents!
That's a very dramatic
retelling of events.
Maybe you should be the author.
I'll be the hero, and you can be
the goldarn villain
and see how it feels!
Okay, you know what?
Whatever you think of my story,
it's still my story, okay?
And I don't know what's gonna
happen to you if I die.
So if you guys wanna
keep existing in any form...
put the guns down
and let's talk this out.
Stop it!
[western riff playing]
Sundown In Amarillo.
That's your title?
You like it?
Not a whole bunch.
We'll think of something.
Okay, look,
I don't have a lot of time.
I gotta get back to work,
so who wants to start?
[Eli sighs]
Ambrose.
What's your fuckin' problem?
-I can answer that.
-Shut up. Let Ambrose talk.
You'll get a turn.
Yeah, for once,
keep your fuckin' mouth shut.
Hey, Ambrose, stop.
Wait.
I'm a fictional character?
God, you're quick.
-How did we get here?
-We're still working on it.
-How do I get back?
-It's all so unclear.
Great.
What matters
is that you're here...
and I gotta find a way
to keep you both safe
until I can get you back
in the book.
Right, so you can figure out
a way for me to kill him then.
What?
You said I could kill him.
You said that?
I'm not married to an ending.
All right?
It's just a working direction.
Why the hell
are you gonna kill me?
-I'm not!
-You said--
I'm trying to figure it out.
Oh, well.
You just
take all the time you need.
What kind of bullshit propaganda
is you writin' anyway?
And how the hell
am I the bad guy?
Propaganda?
You murdered my parents.
It wasn't murder,
it was justice.
I'm a sheriff.
I was carrying out the law.
I don't care what badge
you hide behind,
it don't give you no right
to murder two innocent people.
[chuckles] In-- innocent.
Your parents.
I did the good folk
of Amarillo a service
the day I put them
two good-for-nothing monsters
in the ground.
I'll choke the life out of you.
I'll choke you back!
Come on, man!
Eli, stop!
Stop, you're gonna hurt him!
That's the point!
Not till
you're back in the book!
My parents were heroes,
you rat-ass little worm!
Just like you, I suppose!
[Michael] I left it
intentionally gray.
It depends on
how you look at it.
I looked at it through the law,
and they done broke it.
All you care about is your own.
That's right.
-Fuck this.
-[gun cocks]
All right, enough. I'm wasting
enough time as it is.
Let him go, shut up,
or I'll go to my laptop
and write you both a couple
of nasty fuckin' hemorrhoids.
What's a laptop?
What's a hemorrhoid?
It's the magic book that
I use to write your story with.
I want a hemorrhoid.
Okay, fine.
Stop fighting,
and I'll give you a hemorrhoid.
Me too.
Okay, hemorrhoids for everyone.
Just stop fighting.
I don't know what it is
you're trying to accomplish,
but this moronic half-wit
ain't gonna let it go.
Damn right I'm not.
You know, your ma...
she came at me
with a rusty cleaver.
And your pa came at me
with a Winchester Repeater.
That's actually true.
What was I supposed to do?
I had to defend myself.
Ambrose is making a fair point.
No, he's not!
What is this?
I'm not gonna forgive you
for murdering my folks!
Well, can you at least see
where he's coming from?
It wasn't out of malice.
It was self-defense.
Exactly.
[Michael] He didn't have
a choice.
-Thank you.
-[Eli] That's not the point!
My parents are dead
because of him.
I spent my life...
trying to find them justice.
I'm not just gonna forgive you.
Just because
you said you're sorry.
I don't recall
saying I was sorry.
After all I've been through,
I don't care
self-defense or not.
Book closed, nail in the coffin.
[exhales]
You can't put
every little thing on me...
just 'cause you're so focused
on some old story...
instead of living your life.
You don't think
I've had my fair share?
My parents...
my-- my parents...
got killed by a bear.
A fuckin' bear.
[melancholic western
music playing]
At least
you got someone to blame.
I can't exactly
swear revenge on no bear.
I don't even know which bear.
I mean, they all look alike.
It might not even be
alive anymore.
It's probably not.
Although I don't even
really know how long bears live.
I mean, hell,
am I gonna get justice?
I--
-I didn't know that.
-Yeah, well...
well, now you do.
My parents got ate by a bear...
and I got over it.
So the point is,
you can't blame me
for every little thing
that goes wrong in your life
any more than I can blame
some old bear.
He's right, Eli.
Yeah, I mean,
he's the one writin' your story.
Well...
[Eli] That's right.
He did.
He's the one
who made me kill your parents.
Guys, this isn't about me,
it's about you.
I bet you wrote that bear.
You killed my parents...
with a bear?
I thought it would be
an interesting parallel.
Interesting parallel?
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
I spent years alone
after they died.
The shit I had to eat,
what I had to do for money,
I can't even talk about!
I lied.
I did blame that bear.
I must've killed
20- or 30-odd bear
on the off chance
that one of 'em was the bear.
-Jesus!
-I know!
Because of this guy!
It's been him.
Writing our story,
killing our parents,
making us suffer.
-For what?
-For what?
Character development.
Oh! You took everything from me!
[Michael grunting]
[Eli] Get him!
Your little book caused us both
a world of trouble.
Well, guess who
finds himself smack-dab
in the middle of the story?
You wanted an antagonist?
[Michael grunts]
Here's your
goddamned antagonist!
You think
you can just fuck with our lives
like you're
the Lord God Almighty?
That's what I told him.
He thinks
he's the Lord Almighty.
Well, if you are God...
I ain't impressed.
Now, get up.
I was just up.
Well...
get up again!
I'm just gonna end up
back on the floor!
[gun cocks]
Yeah.
You just might.
Okay.
I'm up.
We're gonna settle this
the old-fashioned way...
pistola...
draw.
I got a deadline.
I'm not gonna shoot you.
Oh, you're gonna miss that.
[Michael] Guys...
Ten.
[gun clatters]
Nine.
-Just wait!
-[Ambrose] Eight.
You can't kill me. You
don't know what's gonna happen.
If you wanted that to work,
you would've written us
lives worth livin'.
Seven.
Okay, I will.
-You'll what?
-I'll rewrite you.
Lives worth living.
I'll give you anything you want.
I'm listenin'.
I'll write you land.
I'll write you money.
I'll write you women, big dicks,
and a billion dollars.
-A million dollars!
-Deal.
Cash.
And, and--
Well, my dick's just fine,
thank you very much.
I suspect he could use
an inch or two.
I wouldn't rightly know.
Are you seriously
considering this?
Yes.
He killed our parents!
And I'd say that's roughly
worth around a million dollars.
Listen to yourself.
He deserves to die!
No, he deserves to pay.
Look, my parents died
a long time ago.
I-- I'm over it.
I got my own life to live now.
And if he wants to write me
$1 million...
I think my parents
would understand.
Hell, maybe he could even
write your parents back to life!
Well, that's a big part
of his motivation.
I'm trying to help you out here!
Okay, fine, I get--
Yeah, I can do that.
It's not the same.
It wouldn't be real.
It was never real.
It's real to me!
Come on, man.
You've gotta let it go.
We can't kill him, he's right.
We can't get revenge!
Or we'd just be
killing ourselves.
But we can get rich.
Come on, Eli.
Do yourself a favor...
and let's get rich.
And I don't wanna be
sheriff no more.
It's too much work.
I wanna be president.
Yeah, me too.
Uh, well, no,
we can't both be president.
Listen,
you can be my vice president.
Nah. I wanna be king.
Of America?
You said
I can have whatever I want.
Fine.
Here's your protagonist.
Well, go on.
We'd best get to work on
that big old hemorrhoid!
Whoo!
[Mom] No, the keys
are already in my hands.
I'm leaving right now.
Don't worry.
We'll be on time
for the open house.
Aw, fuck.
No, I'm okay.
My asshole brother
just showed up.
All right,
I'll see you soon, bye.
Hey, Jean,
what's going on over there?
Hi, Jackie, um, I'm good.
Great, just great.
I just stopped off
to drop a card off for Matthew.
You mean Michael?
Yeah, Michael,
I got it, I knew that.
I know my nephew's fucking name.
Uh, he had a birthday
a couple of days ago, did he?
Two months ago.
Yeah, I was out of town,
and I can't keep up on
every little fucking thing there
is to keep up on, you know.
Well, I-- I certainly appreciate
that you drove all the way
out here to drop it off.
Hey, I read, uh, Matthew's book.
Yeah,
what did you think about it?
Oh, I thought that mother
character was something else.
Well, you know,
she was based on me.
Is he around?
You know, he hasn't lived here
for quite a few years.
He's 27.
Jeez, 27
and he's got his own place?
Good for him.
Yeah, yeah. He's actually
working on his second book.
Yeah, it's-- it's about cowboys.
What is it,
a fucking picture book?
No, it's more of
a Lonesome Dove kind of thing.
I-- I think.
Jeez, he's so successful.
He's got his own place.
He's just doing so well, jeez.
Do you think you could lend me
a couple of hundred bucks?
[Jean sighs]
Okay.
I want a woman, one that
I don't have to pay for.
Oh, what's your problem, man?
You got a million dollars.
Whores gotta eat.
Yeah, but I want something more.
You can hire
as many as you like.
Yeah, you won't understand.
I want what you have.
I want what he's got.
You mean Naomi?
Yeah, but before you ruined it.
Wha-- wait, you got a woman?
What, did you have
to write her up too?
No, but he damn near ruined
her life like he did ours.
Oh, that checks out.
Okay, can we focus
on your story, not mine?
[Eli] She got
the short end of the stick.
No time for Miss Naomi.
She came to her senses
and ran for the hills.
[Ambrose] Makes sense.
Women tend
to have certain needs.
If I had a woman
like Miss Naomi...
there'd be no book on this earth
that would get between us.
Look, that's not fair, okay?
I have a job.
Don't she?
Yeah, but it's different.
Oh, yeah, hers is much harder.
She works at a fine saloon.
Oh?
-Not like that.
-Oh.
Look, I can't meet my deadline
if I spend all my time
with Naomi, okay?
You're not gonna meet it anyway.
Only now you got no book
and you got no girl.
What Naomi and I have
is none of your business.
[laughing]
Now it's none of yours neither.
[Ambrose and Eli laughing]
Darn.
Ooh, I actually might know
a woman who you might like.
I mean, she ain't cheap,
but trust me, she's worth it.
Oh, yeah? What is she like?
A bit rough.
[exhales sharply]
I'm liking that.
Can you write that down?
What was that last part?
-"A bit rough."
-"A bit rough."
No, before that.
You said you wanted land?
Oh...
somewhere nice.
Thousand acres.
I'm gonna build myself a town.
Actually, scratch that.
Sounds like
an awful lot of work.
Just write it, "build",
I'll think of a name.
Ambrosia.
Yeah.
I want some land too.
I like it out here,
I'm a fan of the climate.
Exactly my thinking.
Well, we both can't be out here.
Says who?
Says me.
-[guns cocking]
-Guys.
Guys, guys put the guns down.
This town is big enough
for the two of you, okay?
Okay, Eli, Santa Monica,
Brentwood and Beverly Hills...
and Ambrose can have the valley.
He gets the whole valley?
That's nice.
[Michael] Yeah, it's great,
people love it.
I want a valley.
Trust me, you'll be fine.
Actually, you know, I've been
meaning to ask you a question.
You got these magic kitchens,
got them horseless carriages,
these fancy old hemorrhoids.
You poop in water.
Why are you so interested
in writing about our time?
I mean, why not write about now?
So much more interesting.
Other than the inside outhouse.
Yes.
Disgusting.
It's a whole genre.
It's called a Western.
Used to be really popular...
till it kind of
went out of fashion.
But there was
all these books and-- and--
and-- and shows and movies.
It was huge.
What's a movie?
[banjo riff playing]
[piano on TV playing]
I knew a man at Stanley's
that played the piano like that.
His name was Sancho.
Oh, yeah.
He had a brother,
one-legged sort, named Raul.
He had a wonky eye.
Never knew exactly
which one to look into.
I shot him off a horse
and sent him down a canyon.
Well, good riddance, Raul.
Hey, are you guys
gonna talk the entire movie?
Sorry.
Eli here
was busy confessing to a crime.
[Ambrose]
It feels weird to do nothing.
I could have stopped that.
[action music playing on TV]
[western music playing on TV]
Okay.
Okay, now that there...
that is an antagonist.
You know...
when I was a boy,
I used to want to be an outlaw.
Gets lonely.
You had to write him
both lonely and stupid?
I mean, hell, you couldn't write
him a partner?
[man on TV] Shoot him!
Shoot him now!
[gunshot on TV]
-Guys, what are you doing?
-You got him?
-Put the guns down!
-I don't see him.
Up there in the hills.
Hills? There are no hills!
He's gotta be a sharp shooter.
Take a shot, Eli.
[knocking on door]
Who the hell's that?
Get in my room, please.
No, why do we have to go
in your room?
Because if you don't,
I'll write you a one-inch dick,
and I'll stick you
in Rancho Cucamonga.
All right, we're moving.
Rancho Cucamongo sounds nice.
Means I get the valley.
Hey.
What happened to your nose?
Dry weather.
You know, I get-- I get
bloody noses. You know that.
No, I don't.
I thought
you were gonna call me.
I said I might call you.
So instead,
you just decided to come over?
Yeah, I wanted to know
what was going on with you.
What about
what's going on with me?
That weird
cowboy guy at the caf?
He said his name was Eli West.
-He did?
-Who was he?
Look,
you're not gonna understand.
-It's hard to explain.
-Try me.
I don't know how to explain it.
He's a character from the book.
I am done.
I'm not lying.
-Then answer me.
-I'm telling the truth.
Somehow,
two characters from the book
came out into the real world.
I don't get it
any more than you do.
Wait, look. Guys! Guys!
[tense guitar riff playing]
[birds singing]
Hold on, okay?
[tense western
instrumental playing]
Guys?
Guys?
I swear they were right here.
Yeah, I hope you really
have lost your mind
because if you're going through
all of this
to prove some stupid lie--
I'm not lying, I swear, I just--
[toilet flushing]
So they keep it
inside the house?
Twenty feet from his bed.
-And you poop in the water?
-Mm-hmm.
[Michael] Guys.
Meet Naomi.
Miss Naomi.
You work at a fine saloon.
You mean caf?
You should really
consider serving whiskey.
Well, wait...
you got a saloon
that don't serve whiskey?
No, but they have
this espresso shot
that'll knock your socks off.
Well, what's in it?
Sarsaparilla?
No, just coffee.
Coffee? Saloon serves coffee,
but you don't got whiskey.
Well, it's not a saloon.
It's a coffee shop.
Well, why would you need
a whole shop just for coffee?
What you need is whiskey.
Right.
Michael, who are these people?
Sheriff Morgan Ambrose, ma'am.
-Oh!
-Hey!
I thought we were past that.
So-- Sorry.
Ya heathen.
We'll give you
a moment to process.
Just watch your step.
Sorry.
[Michael sighs]
Okay. Michael,
who are they, like, really?
I told you. They're characters
from the book.
You mean,
like actors hired to role-play
to help you become,
like, unstuck or whatever?
I wish.
No, they're literally
characters from the book
somehow existing in the flesh,
and I'm stuck with them.
Well, that's insane.
That's pretty much
where we're at there too, ma'am.
Well, actually,
now we're doing rewrites.
I'm getting the valley.
-The valley?
-[Ambrose] The whole damn thing.
Good for you.
[Ambrose] Gracias.
[Eli] And I'm getting Brentwood.
I thought you were gonna
give us a moment.
[Ambrose clears throat]
[sighs]
Why don't we have a seat?
[dramatic western guitar riff
plays]
Okay.
So,
he's the protagonist?
Allegedly.
And he's the villain.
She said
it ain't black and white.
Why couldn't I have just
written another boring book
about my boring life?
Well, because you went through
that in your first book,
and you haven't lived
at all since then.
Ee, that's a hell of a mouthful.
She has a point.
-Shut up, Eli.
-Yeah, shut up, Eli.
-[phone alarm blaring]
-What the hell is that?
It's dark magic. You're just
gonna have to roll with it.
It's my mom. I'll call her back.
Your mom?
Why aren't you gonna
talk to your mom?
I'm a little busy.
Busy?
You know what I'd give
to talk to my ma and my pa?
Same.
Except I can't,
'cause someone
killed 'em with a bear.
And someone killed mine
with an Ambrose.
Right, exactly.
It was totally out of my hands.
Wait, what?
He killed our parents.
They blame me because I killed
their parents in the book.
I guess that does make sense.
-See?
-See?
Don't side with them.
Well, it is true.
[phone alarm blaring]
Hey, Mom.
Yeah-- now?
No.
Okay, it's fine.
Uh, just give me, like,
a minute to get dressed.
You're fully dressed.
[whispering] Shut up.
[in normal voice] I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that wasn't to you.
Okay, I love you, I love you.
-[Naomi] Wait, she's here?
-She's here.
Okay,
you guys gotta get in my room.
[Ambrose and Eli] Why--
why can't you just
tell her the truth?
Because my mom
is not gonna handle this well.
Why not? Miss Naomi's handling
it just fine.
Uh, who said
I'm doing just fine?
Look, my mom is different.
I didn't have a choice
with Naomi.
Okay? My mom's gonna overreact.
Just get in my room
and stay there
till I come get you.
-Please?
-[sighs] Okay.
But listen,
when we do them rewrites,
you're adding another inch.
-Fine.
-An inch of what?
It's a long story.
Well, Eli's better equipped
to tell you the short version.
[sly guitar riff playing]
Hey, where are you going?
You're not from the Old West.
You can stay.
Oh, shit. Okay, sorry.
That's fine.
Just help me stall her.
Okay, fine.
Um,
does she know we broke up?
-We broke up?
-Yes.
What did you think happened?
We had a fight.
No, Michael, that was a breakup.
We didn't say
the words "break up."
We didn't have to.
It was implied.
Not to me.
-Don't play dumb.
-I'm not playing dumb.
-You know what I mean.
-[knocking on door]
Just wanted to make sure
you were dressed.
Naomi, sweetie, how are you?
I can't complain.
Hey, uh, Mom,
just a quick question.
What's that in your bag?
Oh, uh, well, I was driving home
from showing a house, right?
And I know you're busy with your
book, and I'm very sorry,
but I, uh, I remembered the
other day when I was over here,
and I was using your dustbuster,
and the suction
wasn't working so well.
So I thought I would just
drop off my own personal one.
Great, I'll add it
to my collection.
All right, awesome.
-Thanks, Mom.
-Uh, you're welcome.
You know,
you should just let me get
that little cat hair over
there.
I don't understand that.
You don't even own a cat.
It's fine, Mom. I can do it
later. I can do it myself.
I mean,
you have company, Michael.
It's Naomi. It's not the Pope.
Hey!
That's not very nice.
Naomi knows what I meant.
You don't have
to take that from him.
I don't, believe me.
That's my girl.
Okay, thank you, Mom.
Hey, you should open up some
windows in here, air it out--
-and why is this door closed?
-Mom! It's fine.
You should keep this door open
so mildew won't build up.
[Michael] It's--
I want it-- I want it closed.
And you'll never get rid
of that smell.
Oh!
Uh, you have friends over?
Michael's mother.
It is such a pleasure to make
your acquaintance, ma'am.
My name
is Sheriff Morgan Ambrose.
We live over yonder.
I just stopped by
to talk to Michael
about some ideas I had
regarding his book.
Oh, you read his book?
-Isn't it magnificent?
-Hoo!
He is just so talented.
Does seem a little late,
though, to give him notes.
Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm referring
to his new novel
about the heroic sheriff
and the half-wit outlaw
who blames the sheriff
for his shitty life--
Sundown in Amarillo?
Or whatever we decide
to call it end of day, yes.
What's wrong
with Sundown in Amarillo?
Well, it's a bit
of a show pony with the runs.
It's a fine title
for a first draft.
-[Eli clears throat]
-Uh-oh.
Mom, this is Eli.
West.
Ma'am.
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
Didn't expect you
to be so lovely
and full of life,
given Michael likes to kill
people's parents
in his fables.
Well, not his first book,
you know,
'cause that would be me.
Right?
Well, it was an amalgam
of a lot of people.
Me and all
your other mothers named Jean.
It was fiction.
I thought
it was about your life.
Shut up, Eli.
Yeah, shut up, Eli.
Well, um,
I'm gonna take off,
I want to go home and change
out of my work clothes
and, uh, anyway,
you guys can get back to...
whatever
is going on around here.
All right?
-Okay. Yeah. Thank you, Mom.
-All right. All right.
Oh, uh, your Uncle Jackie,
uh, sent you a birthday card,
uh, to my address
by mistake two months late,
but no one's perfect.
Thank you, Mom. I'll read it
right when I get a chance.
Okay. All right.
-All right, bye sweetie.
-[Naomi] Bye, Jean.
[Jean] You know,
I-- I don't mind getting
-that cat hair over there.
-[Michael] I mind.
[Jean] I know,
but you'd have company.
[Michael] No, I know-- I do--
I have-- I have company, so.
-All right, baby. I love you.
-All right.
-Just take a break, that's all.
-Drive safe.
Love you. Bye!
[tense music plays]
Such a sweet lady.
Yeah, too sweet.
What a lovely problem to have.
A parent.
Alive.
Let's get back to the novel.
I can't stop thinking
about all the new things I want.
Eli was telling me
about one of these
invisible horseless
carriage jobbies
that damn near
ran you down in the street.
Am I right?
Eli said it was mighty quick!
-Huh?
-The horseless carriage thingy.
Yeah, quick.
Almost ran me over.
You scribble me up
one of them?
Fine, whatever.
My mom's right
about one thing,
I need to go
take a nap or something.
I'm tired.
You guys stay here.
Don't touch anything,
and don't go anywhere,
all right?
[Ambrose] Well, wait,
we were just starting
to get shit done.
We got a deadline, remember?
Michael's right.
I think he should rest
so he can focus.
We need his mind right
if he's gonna rewrite
our entire lives.
Fine. You got 30 minutes.
Whatever, I'm lying down.
Where were you born?
Michael! I'll join you.
What's up?
Nothing,
I just didn't want to be
out there alone with them.
You think I did?
Yeah, they're so weird.
They're weird?
They're first drafts
from a half written novel.
Did you expect them
to act normal?
I don't like them.
-Critics.
-[Naomi chuckles]
Asshole.
[thud]
[farting]
[Ambrose exhales]
[Ambrose]
The hell's gotten into you?
Can't believe I'm saying this,
but you seem awfully quiet.
It ain't right.
What ain't?
Seeing her here.
The way he treats her.
It ain't right.
We're getting
everything we want.
Money. Land. Women.
You getting fixed
what God saw fit to short you.
He's doing everything he can
to make it right.
We can't kill him,
you remember?
We don't need to kill him.
Well, what the hell
do you want?
I want revenge.
[tense western
instrumental plays]
Uh-oh.
That ain't good.
[Naomi whispering]
Michael. Michael!
Huh? What?
We have a problem.
I overheard them
in the hallway talking,
and I think
they were talking about revenge.
Revenge?
Well-- they can't--
They already know
that they can't kill me.
Well, not you.
Then who?
[both] The card.
[Ambrose] Hey, you describe
me here as "weathered."
Does that mean
like seasoned and handsome,
or does it just mean old?
Where is he?
-Who?
-Eli.
Where the fuck did he go?
Well, for the record,
I want you to know
that I had
nothing to do with it.
Goddamn it.
He's gone, isn't he?
Mr. Protagonist took
your birthday letter.
Said he's gonna
kill your ma.
And somehow I'm the villain.
And you're just in here
reading, sheriff?
Why didn't you tell us?
I am telling you.
And considering you killed
my ma with a grizzly bear,
I figured staying out of it
was the most appropriate thing
I could do.
Goddamn it, Ambrose.
If you go after Eli,
you're gonna die.
-Well, then I die.
-Well, then I die.
And moreover,
I'm out a million dollars!
Goddamn it, you're right.
We best get a move on
if we're gonna catch up to Eli.
We? No.
You're staying right here
where I know you're safe.
It's bad enough
Eli's out there by himself.
I may be fictional,
but I'm still a sheriff.
And if you two
are going after Eli West,
you're gonna need
someone who can shoot.
You're not gonna shoot Eli.
Are you crazy?
Fine. I won't shoot Eli.
But listen,
when we do them rewrites,
I wants to be the king.
You said
you didn't want a king?
Well, that was
when it were Eli.
I wouldn't feel
quite so strongly about it
if it were me.
Her phone's going straight
to voicemail. We need to go.
Okay, fine. Don't shoot Eli,
and you can be king.
Let me get my hat.
[hip-hop music playing]
[Eli] Down, girl! Ho!
[Eli grunts]
Take me to here.
Hey, you know, the next time
you're picking a protagonist,
you just remember
that it was me riding with you
and not Mr. Antihero.
I didn't want your help.
I told you to stay at home.
Well, I'm just saying
it's some pretty basic
storytelling is all.
I ain't the one
trying to kill your ma.
All right, can we stay focused
on reality for one second,
instead of fiction?
Hey.
Your mom's gonna be okay.
[Ambrose chuckles]
I don't think it's his mommy
that Michael's
all concerned about.
He's worried about
Mr. Antihero getting banged up
by local law or such.
Worried about his book.
That's not true.
Oh, ain't it?
[Eli] Wait here.
Don't go nowhere.
[tires screeching]
Hell with him.
Oh, hi.
-Eli, right?
-Yes, ma'am.
Is Michael with you?
Yeah,
he's just right behind me.
Thought I'd get a jump start
and come on over.
Okay. Well-- well, come on in.
Oh, wipe
your feet first, please.
-Yeah, sorry.
-Oh, yes. Sorry about that.
That's, uh.
[boot thumping]
Great.
[Jean]
The tea is a little strong.
I like to add
almond milk in it,
you know, to jazz it up.
Is that okay?
Yeah, that's fine.
Anybody see him?
-[Naomi] Maybe we beat him here.
-[Ambrose] Oh, I doubt that.
My mom's probably
making him tea.
[Ambrose] Such a sweet lady.
[Naomi] All right, come on.
We better hurry.
Mom!
A bag of poop says
your mom's a goner by now.
-Mom!
-[Ambrose] Oh, what I hear?
Oh, the sound
of your mom's throat
getting slit.
-[Michael] Mom!
-Michael?
[gun cocks]
I'm gonna need you
to stay put.
Don't you have a key?
Oh, yeah. Good thinking.
Yeah. I'm a genius.
-[lock turning]
-It was unlocked.
[Naomi] Oh, gosh, Michael.
[Jean] No!
No! Let me go.
-Mom!
-Michael!
Don't come any closer,
or I'll kill her!
-No!
-[gunshot]
-[Jean screams]
-[Michael] What are you doing?
Do you want him to kill her?
[tense music plays]
Shh, shh, shh.
-[grunting]
-[Jean screams]
[Eli shouts]
[Eli] Goddamn it,
get back here.
[Naomi] Michael.
[Eli] Come here.
No, no, no.
[Jean struggling]
Stop it. Stop.
[Ambrose shushing]
[Jean] No, Michael!
Michael, go call someone
who can help us.
You're gonna
get us all killed, Michael!
Michael.
[Michael] Let her go.
Come on.
Eli, let her go.
Come on, man, she's got
nothing to do with this.
She has
everything to do with it.
This is about you and me.
-And me.
-Shut up, Ambrose.
Let's just settle this,
you and me right now.
Let's be done with it, okay?
I don't care
if I have to start over
and spend
another year or two,
or I never get to write
another fucking book again.
I just want to be done
with it, okay?
Let her go
and let's do this.
Okay, but you know
in these situations,
it's customary to draw.
No!
[Naomi] Michael,
you can do this.
I believe in you.
[Ambrose]
That makes one of us.
Fine.
Oh, my God, I love you.
[Jean screams]
[Ambrose]
Remember, if you kill him,
you owe me
one million dollars.
If we still exist.
[Ambrose] Oh.
[bold western
instrumental plays]
We're gonna
holster our weapon.
On three.
Draw.
-[gunshot]
-[Jean] Oh, my God!
-[Naomi] Michael!
-[Jean] Michael! Oh!
-[Naomi] Oh, no!
-[Jean] Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, baby. Oh.
[Ambrose]
How the hell are you the hero?
Antihero.
[Ambrose] Well,
that was just straight up anti.
There ain't nothing hero
about it.
[Jean] I believed in you.
I believed in you,
I'm so sorry, baby.
-[Eli] Get up.
-[Jean panting]
Get up.
Get up.
Oh, no. Please.
Please.
You took everything from me.
No amount of money
or land's gonna change that.
As far as I'm concerned,
I'm letting you off easy.
[gun cocks]
You're supposed to be
the good guy.
I'm supposed to have a family.
I'm supposed to be
a human being,
not some fucking character
in a book.
Now I don't know what I am.
[Jean sobbing] No!
But I know what I'm not.
I'm not you.
I don't know
if that's the way you wrote me,
but I'm not you.
If you get to write my story,
I get to choose my ending.
Oh, my God.
-[gun cocks]
-If anybody's gonna kill you...
it's gonna be me.
[exhales] Well, go on then.
Another day, I suppose.
After all...
what's a villain
without his hero?
[Eli sighs]
[Jean] I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
-[Jean] Oh, my God.
-[Naomi] Oh, gross. That's--
-That's nasty.
-[Jean] Look at all this blood.
Oh, my God. [panting]
-No, no, no, don't fall asleep.
-Don't tap. Don't tap.
-[Jean] Okay, no tapping.
-[Naomi] Michael!
Oh, Michael. Oh, my God.
Look at all this blood.
[Jean] Okay,
I need to get paper towels.
-I'll get some paper towels.
-No, no, no, no.
-Call an ambulance. Quickly!
-[Jean] Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Mom.
I'm sorry. I fucked up.
I shouldn't have
gotten you involved in this.
Baby, I don't know
what the fuck is going on here,
but if you're okay,
I'm okay, okay?
-I love you.
-I love you, baby.
Let me call the ambulance.
Right, quickly.
Hi.
You gonna be all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, I just got
a bullet in my shoulder.
Eli's got something
he wants to say to you.
Sorry I shot you.
[Ambrose] Eli.
And for jumping the draw.
Attaboy.
It's like he said...
I got off easy.
[Ambrose chuckling] That's true.
I guess we're even?
Not even close.
-On three.
-Be careful.
-[Eli grunts]
-He said, "Be careful."
[Ambrose]
You jumped the draw again.
You got it?
Remember,
you still owe us a rewrite.
[upbeat joyful music plays]
Not yet.
What's wrong with you?
Wow, that smells amazing.
Well, here, sweetie.
Have a taste test.
-Thank you, Jean.
-You're welcome.
Mm, it's delicious.
Yay.
All right,
make yourself useful
and take this
out to our guests.
Come on, quick.
Before it gets cold.
You can do it.
There you go.
[Michael] Hey, guys.
[Benny]
Good to see you talking again.
He was all broken up.
[Jordan] Benny!
What? He looked like shit.
Remember? You were there.
Yeah, well,
me and Naomi have decided
to work things out.
Right.
[Dylan] When do you go
back to your place?
As soon as she lets me leave.
[Jean] It seems a bit early.
I just don't like the idea
of you being all alone.
And what's the rush?
I mean, he has nothing to do.
He just got dropped
by his publisher.
-[Jordan] Benny!
-[Naomi] Benny! Really?
What?
Oh, uh,
tell them about our new idea.
Yeah, it's really cool.
So, uh, it's like
Bonnie and Clyde, right?
But in modern times,
with two men.
[Naomi]
Ooh, what's it called?
Well, I haven't decided
on a title.
Oh, we're gonna call it
Clyde and Clyde.
[chuckles]
But I can pretty much rule
that one out.
[Benny] Well, anything's better
than Sundown in Amarillo.
-[Benny chuckles]
-Benny!
Do us a favor.
Put some bread in your mouth.
Well, tell them
about our idea.
Well, it's a love story.
It's got
this great heist, though.
These two guys roll up
to this Russian poker game
in a red GTO,
armed to the fucking gills,
and make off
with over two million dollars.
Well, tell them more.
That's pretty much
where I'm stuck.
[all chuckle]
Michael.
-[Jean] Jesus Christ.
-That's my Michael.
[Benny]
Can you pass the fusilli?
-[Dylan] Yeah.
-[Jordan] Can I get--
Oh, right here.
All right. Anybody else?
I have breadsticks.
-[all] Yeah!
-You want some bread sticks?
All right. Not for you.
-Not for you.
-[Michael laughs]
[jazzy rock music playing]
[engine starts]
[tires screeching]
[Timmy on TV] Oh, Paul.
I've been missing you.
[horse neighing on TV]
[man on TV] I'm sorry, Timmy.
Looks like old Butterscotch
has had her day in the sun.
-[horse neighing]
-[Timmy on TV] Oh, Pappy.
Oh, Butterscotch.
[Timmy] I ain't ready
to say goodbye yet.
-[Eli sobbing]
-[horse neighing on TV]
[man on TV]
Well, old Butterscotch.
[Eli sobbing, sniffing]
Oh, that's why
I became an outlaw.
[Eli sobbing]
[Timmy on TV]
Can you sit me up on his back,
so I can whisper in...
Fuck you, dad!
[man on TV] All right, Timmy.
Yup.
[Timmy on TV]
I love you, But--
-[gunshot on TV]
-[horse neighing on TV]
[horse nickering on TV]
[jazzy rock music plays]
[music ends]