Handy Dandys (2019) Movie Script

That's right,
it's the Handy Dandy day show.
I'll be damned.
It's you, isn't it?
After all these years,
there you stand.
Come back for more,
always more.
More death to give
you more life.
And this fucking blood
moon gives you the moment
you've been waiting for, right?
Well I'm here to kill you.
And this time,
I'm not gonna run.
- Sorry.
- Of course.
Rick, that was
fucking awesome man.
Wanted to hang out with
you guys one more time
before we send our man Rosie
off to fame and fortune.
He's going back to school.
Fame and fortune's
next year player.
That's what I'm sayin'.
Oh, I just got it.
You're Roosevelt Smith.
I saw that game with
you in it against USC
- and you were amazing.
- Amazing, yes, we know.
Rosie's been amazing
since we were 10.
Hey, look at the moon.
Oh, that's a super blood moon.
First one in 50 years.
What the hell's
a super blood moon?
God, get a weather app.
Doc, will you just drop it?
You two have been
at it all night.
It's a cool moon.
I know it is.
That guitarist
was fucking insane.
Yeah, that drummer
was pretty hot too.
I'm just saying.
Stick to robots, Doc.
Hey, guys, just ignore him.
I do.
That usherette, hot.
Our Josie has a little crush.
Always got a crush on someone.
Rick, it's too far.
Can you carry me?
Sure, climb on.
I hate him.
Wait, wait, wait, Rick?
Since when?
Two weeks and five days ago.
What are you talking about?
We, we hooked up.
No, girl.
He's a dog.
You're smarter than that.
I don't know, he was just,
actually sweet and I
don't know, just fun.
I mean.
Hey, guys, wait up.
The 30?
Stop dude, crazy.
You guys talking about football?
Oh yeah, I was telling
Rosie about this building
my dad just bought.
He's trying to turn
it into condos.
But I got a surprise
for you guys.
Oh man, how is your dad doing?
He's all right.
Guys come here.
This better be good.
Oh don't fucking worry.
So what's the big surprise?
The building.
It's big.
I don't get it.
My dad wants to make
this place into condos
or some bullshit.
I think I can talk him into
letting us open an
after hours club.
In this area?
Fuckin' A dog, do you
have to question everything?
I'm out here all the time.
Stef, it's a real piece of shit.
Hey, I got some
champagne on ice.
Let me show you guys
inside, change your minds.
No one fucks with champagne.
- What happened?
- I don't know,
I broke my ankle or something.
Oh, shit.
Hey, - Come on.
Rick, no I got her.
No, are you sure?
Don't you have somebody else
you need to be watching?
You're so scary.
Come on in.
It's creepy in here.
Steffen hit the lights.
All right, all
right, I'll look for them.
Doc, watch that door.
Watch out.
You're such a gentleman, thanks.
What was that sound?
Probably rats.
That was right in my ear.
Something ran over my foot.
- What?
- Oh, I think I got it.
Let's go.
It's not funny, it's gross.
Come on, let's
go check this thing out.
It's not funny,
you guys, it's gross.
It's okay Abby, it
was probably nothing.
Just stick with me,
I'll protect you.
With your big shaft of wood?
He still has them huh?
Yeah, my dad's girlfriends.
You know my mom says that
he sticks his wrench in them
more than he does her.
She really says that?
Yeah, she can be pretty gross.
Remember when he brought
his first one home?
Remember how cool
we thought it was?
Dude, there's no signal here.
Hey why don't you
guys look around, okay?
Pour some drinks
and then I'll tell you
what I've been thinking.
Rick you wanna help me pour?
Sure man.
Hey, what's all this?
Oh it's probably
just old TV stuff
from that kids show that
shot here in the 60's.
What's up with you and Doc?
We hooked up a few weeks ago
and now I guess she's mad at me.
Doc hooked up with you?
Well you're a dog man.
Anybody who knows you
knows you're a dog.
Why would she play with that?
Beats me, I mean,
I was surprised too.
We ran into each other at
a bar and had some fun.
She invited me home, I went
and we did the deed.
The next day she
starts texting me and.
I ghosted her.
You ghosted Doc?
Yeah, I feel a
little bad about that.
That's like fucking
your sister man.
Not as cool as you may think.
- Jesus Rick.
- Whatever.
Wait, wait,
is this your first time
seeing her since that night?
Yeah, could be.
Did she know you were
bringing a date with you?
You suck, you truly suck man.
Make this up to her, tonight.
It might not be as
easy as you think bro.
I think she's got
a thing for me.
A thing?
Yes, a thing.
Hey, she always
had a thing for me
and I just never noticed before.
Hey, listen, we've known
each other since grade school.
I want her to be a
part of this project.
Make this up to her, tonight.
Not my fault she
doesn't understand
the rules of engagement.
Listen, shit head, just do it.
Sure, whatever.
What you got there?
Look, I found this puppet.
And he looks brand new.
Yeah, it does look new.
Here take my phone, I
wanna snap some photos.
Turn around.
Is that cute?
Do some dirty ones.
You mean video?
Okay, okay, enough, enough.
Hey aren't these
things supposed to have
like a little
drawstring on the back?
Or a place you could put your
hand up their little butt?
Who's this guy supposed to be?
might get me fucking haircut.
He's like a 50's guy,
like the Fonz or something.
Shit look, he's
got two biddies with him too.
Hey, maybe those
two are a couple
and the Fonz is
their best friend.
Like you and me Rose.
look, it's a little cowboy.
My God, it's the village people.
Hey, who?
I think these puppets
are probably just leftovers
from that kids TV show that
shot here during the 60's.
I think it was,
oh no, it was Mr. Jolly
and the Handy Dandy Show.
They named a kids
show after a hand job?
No way.
Grow up Rick.
It didn't mean that back then.
That Handy Dandy puppet's
probably around here somewhere.
He was like the star puppet.
How do you know all this shit?
My grandfather knew a
producer or something.
So after all these years,
dad ends up buying
the place huh?
Yeah, must've had
an affect on him,
you know, the formative years.
Kind of hoping for one of those
type of things.
Oh Abby, I think you have
that Handy Dandy puppet.
You know my dad used
to watch shows live
on this very stage.
Wasn't there some sick
shit that happened here?
I think I remember
reading about it online
on some click bait site.
Yeah, that Mr. Jolly
guy hung himself.
A kids TV show host
hung himself here?
That's some sick shit.
Bad karma.
Oh, no, no, fuck that.
That was like 50 years ago.
All good vibes now, okay?
Listen, my dad bought
this place for a reason
and it's my job to
make it awesome.
Put those things down, they're
probably filthy though.
No, they look great.
Guys, look around
at this space, okay?
With a little hard
work and imagination
I think we could make this
into something very special.
Now think about it,
we'd have drinks,
dancing, live music.
I mean with all this space,
we could have a
recording studio in back
and scout new bands.
Up there, there's
a control room.
Monitors every inch
of this building.
There's a lot of
clubs in town already.
Right, but very few after hours.
And even fewer for
people our age.
Now let me guess,
you want my money?
Of course Rick.
But I'll throw a
pile of cash too man.
Look man, I don't have money
to be investing in no nightclub.
But chances are you're
gonna make it to the league,
right Rosie?
I expect so.
Okay, so once you are, you
bring your teammates in here,
people find out that players
are hanging out here,
the place will be
fucking packed.
We'll have to charge
a membership fee
just to keep it exclusive.
What about me?
I know I just met you guys,
but can I get in on this?
I have been thinking about that.
What do your friends do?
My friends?
Yeah, like, what
do they do for work?
Oh, well they're models mainly.
So like if you make
sure a certain amount
of your model
friends were in here,
I'm sure we could get you a
percentage of the door monthly.
Well would they have
to do anything kinky?
Only if they were
in the kinky mood.
Yeah, no thanks.
Listen, I love you guys
and all but you know me,
I have no interest
in a straight club
with jocks and models.
Yeah, yeah, I get that.
I respect it.
But thanks for asking,
it was really sweet of you.
Mm-hmm, sure.
What the hell?
Fuck, we just got the
electricity checked this week.
Check it again brother.
There we go.
Okay, this place
is creepy as fuck.
Let's just get out of here.
Oh, hold on a couple of minutes.
I wanna show you guys
the offices, okay?
I mean, Josie, I
know you're out,
but the rest of you
are still in, right?
Dude, you're like the
luckiest guy in the world.
Completely ridiculous shit that
should blow up in your face
always seems to work
out great for you,
so yeah, I'm definitely in.
Yeah, you're one lucky
fuck, that's for sure.
I'm in bro.
All right, this is
gonna be fucking epic.
All right, let me
show you your office.
Let me see that bottle.
You don't care about
any old offices, do you?
Let's go do some
exploring of our own.
So, what do you guys think?
Other than it's
straight out of the 80's?
No, I mean, it's got potential.
I mean, it does.
I know, right?
No, I think we can make
something really cool
out of this place.
Hey, where's Rick and Abby?
Now this is what I call kinky.
A little too kinky.
Let's keep going.
Nope, come here, come here.
I think I see something.
If you like this building,
you're gonna love my dad's boat.
Any excuse to be in a bikini.
Get in this.
Let's keep going,
- let's keep going.
- Okay.
Oh, what's in here?
Oh yeah.
Oh, I can make this work.
Looks like Steffen's dad's
already gotten
himself established.
Don't you look tasty.
Give you any ideas?
Oh, you give me lots of ideas.
Why don't you come over here
and let me show you
what I'm thinking?
You're so strong.
I've got an idea.
- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Trust me.
I've never done this before.
Yeah, right.
Oh my goodness.
Rough night?
Just stupid night.
Or I'm stupid.
I'm probably stupid.
I doubt that.
We are almost at a point
where they can do most anything.
You see Mr. NFL over there?
We've got prototypes in the lab
that's going to make
the NLF obsolete.
In every way, everywhere,
humans are the problem.
But robotics is gonna
change all of that.
We're just taking it out
of the hands of the humans.
so, Skynet's going
to become self aware
and start a nuclear holocaust
and get rid of the pesky humans?
Okay, come on, that's a movie.
You are a scary little shit.
You are.
Shut up.
No but seriously though,
you have no idea.
Hey, we could go
to that control room
and look for Rick.
We could use the...
Doc, just let it go.
They'll show up at some point.
- So Steph?
- Hmm?
You really think your dad's
just gonna like give
you this building?
I mean, he's not the most
supportive guy in the world.
Body's a temple.
Nope, nope, so far
he's told me, "No,"
"what do you know
about running a club?"
And, "You got no idea what
you're getting yourself into"
"with this place."
Sounds about right.
Sounds pretty promising.
What changes his mind?
My mom says it's not,
it's not the club idea,
it's like the building.
It's this building, the
one he just bought, okay.
Yeah, he hates it.
What was that?
I'm sure I heard something.
Rick, get this
damn hat off of me.
So dad grew up in
this neighborhood,
like I was saying before.
And he always used to come
to that kids TV show here.
The one that the
puppets were a part of?
Must've been a
really crappy show.
Actually, no, there
were some child killings
in this neighborhood.
One of my dad's best
friends went missing
and was never found.
Yeah, my dad was the
last person to see him.
He told people for awhile
that the puppets
from that TV show
were the ones that
killed his friend.
Killer puppets?
That's a wild story man.
No kidding.
Yeah, it sounds like
your dad saw something
and just turned it
into something else.
My mom says those puppets
come from the Masonic temple,
some archival vault.
Before that, no
one really knows.
You know my mom volunteers
at the theater over there.
She does say, in those archives,
is some pretty dark shit.
Yeah, like dark magic.
Yeah, masons are weird.
My dad once spent years looking
for some Masonic artifact.
Yeah, found out about
that one from mom
when just out of the
blue, for two months,
he was gone in
some place called Kandar.
What the hell is that?
Wait, is that a city?
No, it's not a city.
My mom said it's like a
European ruins, or a castle.
Okay, okay, so what the hell
he need some Masonic
artifact for?
I don't know man.
To amplify something
of something.
I really don't know.
How does your mom
know all of this?
My dad's a mason.
Pretty high up actually.
Okay, what does he say?
He says nothing.
That was not here
when we came in.
You're just high.
Josie, did you see that
puppet when we came in here?
No, I absolutely did not.
Hey baby.
Okay boys, let's get this
kinky bitch outta here.
Must be some old
commercial for the show.
Yeah, that make sense.
No, okay, that
does not make sense.
Let's see, your
theory is that this TV
just turned on by itself and
a commercial from 50 years ago
just started playing?
- Well, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, no, that shouldn't
happen, for sure.
Okay, but what's your theory?
I don't have one,
that's my point.
She doesn't have
a theory numb nuts.
That shouldn't
happen, ever, period.
I hate these fucking puppets.
What are they?
Nothing but wood and weird.
Hey, shhh.
Did you guys hear something?
Now I'm hearing things.
What do you say we
get out of here?
Yeah, I'm beat.
Now what?
Yo Stef, this
building's got issue bro.
Hey, how is that TV
still on with no power?
Oh, I don't wanna know.
You saw it, you
just saw it move.
I ain't seen nothing.
- Killer ghost puppets.
- Funny.
Let's just get
out to the hallway
and we'll figure
it out from there.
Yeah, then we'll
be able to see out there,
sort of.
Okay well it's clear
that something not so good
is happening here.
Right, so let's
get the hell out.
It looks like the
lights are on downstairs.
Okay, good, let's go that way.
Hey, hey, hey, slow down.
Remember, the staircase turns.
Oh shit.
No, I think someone
just touched me man.
Come on, we can just go.
We're almost there.
Shit, where are the lights?
Something just grabbed my ankle.
Oh stop.
That looks like a trip wire.
What the fuck?
- This pretty much proves it.
- Somebody is in here with us.
This is so fucked.
I mean, who the hell
could be in here man?
Can we even get to the door?
What if this whole
place is booby trapped?
Who the hell would set
up a booby trap Stef?
Don't look at me, my dad
just bought this fucking place.
It's not like I got
a special connection.
Jesus Rosie.
Is everyone okay?
Let's just get to the door.
All right, everyone, slowly.
Wait, wait, what
about Rick and Abby?
Fuck Rick and Abby.
Let's just get out of here safe.
We'll send someone for them.
Doc, Doc, please.
We can't just stand here
in a little bunch, okay?
We're an easy target if
somebody's in here with us.
Listen man, this
is your hell hole,
you just lead the way bro.
Okay fine and we got to get
through my dad's cars, okay,
to get to that door.
Just don't fuck up
his cars, please.
All right, let's go.
Doc, you coming?
Come on Doc.
Mr. Jolly, as I
live and breathe.
For now.
You bought the studio.
It's a strange choice.
Sentimental memories?
I spent my whole life
preparing to see you again.
Now that I see you, I still
can't believe you're alive.
Know that I have
come here defended.
Oh Richard, Richard.
I'm a 200 year old dark magician
with a family of killer puppets.
I'm sure whatever
defense you brought,
it's not enough.
So you found the twin.
Hmm, I suppose the jewel
is bonded to you hmm?
That's a pity.
I spent a long time
looking for this.
But I found the bigger prize.
You found the
Kandarian artifact?
It's real?
In the ruins?
The traveler's power
resides safely with me.
And the dagger?
You didn't find it, did you?
It wasn't with the artifact.
And without it, the
artifact's power is useless.
Oh is that what your research
at the local library told you?
Boy, you're out of your depth.
You trust me, when the time
comes, even without the dagger,
the Kandarian artifact
will have power enough.
Did you ever consider
how you ended up here,
in Detroit?
I mean, you were in
Scotland, London,
the Grand Lodge in New York.
Have you been putting
your little library card
to good use?
Chicago until the fire.
And it just so happens, the
world's largest Masonic lodge
is three blocks from here.
You were drawn here Jolly.
This ends tonight.
You will not succeed and
you will not survive.
Really Richard?
You must learn to
recognize your betters.
Yeah, okay, well cut me loose.
The man, or the monster.
Smart money's always
on the monster, son.
Do you know a person's
character is fully formed
by the age of eight?
Did you know that?
The age of eight.
How old were you when
your friend was attacked?
How old were you when
you left him to die
in a dark field?
How old were you, coward,
when you ran away,
ran away, ran away, ran away?
I was eight you fucker!
Watch your language.
The children.
I had a child who
was a coward once.
I'd let him live.
I regret that.
You killed so many children.
My friends.
I remember every name.
We did boy.
Gossipy boy.
Naughty boy with
your tattling tongue.
So insistent with your
stories of killer puppets
that people began to
take you seriously.
It was quite annoying.
My pleasure.
You made me kill myself.
I had to stage a muerte de scene
to rid myself of the
authorities because of you.
But how?
I talked to the cop who cut
you down from the catch rack.
Illusion, illusion.
is illusion.
My puppets and I have waited
50 years for this night
to right the scales.
So yes, you are right.
Tonight is the night that
we end this, as you say.
So you're going to
use me as a sacrifice
for your blood ritual?
I need you to watch.
Watch, why?
To hurt you.
You want me watch
you kill another child?
Not just another
child, your child.
He's here.
Don't you lay a hand
on him you motherfucker!
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
Do what you want to me,
but don't take his life.
It's already done.
You killed Steffen?
Steffen is dead?
Answer me!
All right.
Shoot, oh Jesus.
Hey Rosie, just stay close man.
Yeah, I think the
door's over this way.
I mean, this is okay.
My eyes are adjusting to it.
I cannot wait to get home.
This day has been fucked.
I think I found
it, I found the door.
Somebody must have locked
it from the other side.
Like I said, somebody is
definitely in here with us.
And they definitely
don't want us to leave.
What should we do?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't have to figure
this out by yourself, okay?
Well I sure as shit
don't have a plan.
Well there's windows, can't
we just climb out of a window?
Steel roll down cages
Josie, it's fucking Detroit.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No, we got them
reinforced last week.
What the hell is that?
Guys, that only leaves up, huh?
Yeah, the roof, let's go.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is all wrong.
You honestly think that
whoever's sealed the door
and killed the lights just
forgot about the roof?
They just slipped their minds?
Yeah, maybe.
We are in trouble Stef,
real trouble, all right?
So we need a plan, we need
a working plan, all right?
So everyone just
shut the fuck up
and let's figure
something out, okay?
First, we need weapons.
Ladies, don't you
look lovely tonight.
Ah Handy.
What's the matter sweetheart?
You did real good work girls.
She looks so much better.
Not as pretty as
you two of course.
What's a matter girly?
Oh that's just our Mr. Jolly.
He likes to make the kids,
the young and the old,
real real happy.
Are you happy model?
Didn't I hear her say
she was a model before?
I don't see it.
She could use some work.
Look girls, she's so happy.
She's so happy, she's crying.
You're supposed to be happy.
Smile for me, smile for
your little buddy Handy.
Smile and I'll make it all stop.
That was pretty shitty.
Let's see if I can help.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, maybe I can do
better on the other side.
You know, I'm only
doing this for you.
You got to look your
best for them pageants.
How you gonna win
without a great smile?
I think this calls
for some selfies.
- Say cheese.
- Cheese!
That goes for you too model.
Eh, whatever.
Sorry to bore you
girls, but some people
will just never be happy,
no matter how hard you try.
Okay you're suggesting
that we're being attacked
by kids' show puppets?
No, Josie, I'm not suggestions
we're being attacked by puppets.
I am suggesting that there
might be someone in here
who's seriously fucking with us,
who might control the puppets.
That's ridiculous okay?
They are made of wood.
There's no mechanisms
Oh really Doc,
then what the fuck
do you think is about to happen?
I don't know.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Does this car still run?
Let's just use it
to ram the door.
It might, but my dad
will fucking kill me.
Are you kidding me right now?
Stephan, look around
us, we are fucked.
Okay, you guys,
we go to the roof,
we get a signal, we
call the cops, huh?
That is not going to work.
Why, what's your big idea Doc?
I say that we find Rick and Abby
and we increase our numbers.
Fuck, I feel like
a sitting duck here.
Can we just fucking move?
- Let's.
- You good with that Doc?
Yes, please.
Shit, Josie, are you okay?
There they are, see?
I told you.
Hey, hey, where are you going?
I'm going to get Rick.
You have no idea what's down
there. Could be a huge trap.
Let me go Josie.
Doc, the basement's
a goddamn dead end.
You do not know that it's
any more dangerous down there
than it is right here.
No, we need to do what
Rosie and I just said.
I think our best
bet is the cars.
Plowing through the
wall is not gonna work.
No, we got to go
to the fucking roof.
I'm done talking about this.
I am going downstairs.
Anybody coming with me?
It's so stupid to
split up right now.
I'll yell if I need help.
No one's gonna fucking
hear you, it's so huge.
Well then I guess
that's my problem.
I'm going to the cars.
Fucking idiots.
You guys?
Of course there's
more to this building.
Hey you guys?
Hey you guys, I think
we're ready to go.
Hey, Rick?
This isn't funny.
Guys it's Doc.
If you hear me, say something.
Goddamn it.
You guys down here?
We're ready to go.
Shit, so where to now?
I don't know man.
I think there's like a stairway,
might be a door on
the left or something.
What you do mean, you think?
My dad just bought the
fucking place, all right?
If it's not on the left,
it'll be up on the right.
Yeah, this goes up.
All right y'all,
we coming this way.
We got big long wrenches, we
gonna smash your ass to pieces.
What the fuck are
you doing Rosie?
I'm scaring them away.
Good idea.
Well it's better than your idea.
"I think the exit's
on the left."
Fuck you man.
Shh, hear that?
Stop it, man.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
come on.
Come on!
Ain't gonna start honey.
I'm not having a conversation
with a fucking puppet.
Oh you'll keep talking
to this fucking puppet.
Yeah well if the guy
that's controlling you
wants to come out and
face me like a man.
Nobody controls me bitch.
Oh my God.
Rick, oh my God.
We're in trouble.
Hey, what's up Doc?
Boy she sure has a
set of lungs on her.
Almost as loud as her boyfriend.
What about that blonde we found
him boffing in the basement?
Oh my eyes, my
eyes, I can't see!
Oh, what have you done
to me you crazy bitch?
Ow, it burns, it burns,
it burns, it it burns.
That's the funniest
fucking thing
anyone's tried on me in years.
I'm made of wood
you stupid bitch.
I thought you were
the smart one.
That's why I sent for you.
Spray her.
Go tie her up.
Oh man, see?
Right where I told ya.
Yeah, let's hope the
roof ain't locked though.
I think we're
gonna make it Rosie.
Yeah, I hope so.
Yo, I can see the door.
Let's go for it.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
Rosie, Rosie, can you hear me?
Rosie, shit.
Rosie, Rosie, oh shit, shit.
Oh this is not good.
There's a lot of you
little fuckers, aren't there?
So what's your plan here Josie?
You gonna come at me?
Beat me into saw dust
with that wrench?
You gonna do all of
that before my man here
chops up your one good leg?
Who the fuck's
running this show?
What do you want?
It's all part of the game babe.
You got to do what the man wants.
We've been waiting a
long time for this night.
When's your puppet
master gonna show himself?
Listen bitch, I
already told you,
I got no master.
I work for the man.
He don't control me, I
have free puppet will.
You see any strings on me?
Anybody in the shadows
got their hand up my ass?
Did I hit a nerve?
You just got someone fisting
your ass all day, don't ya?
You're just somebody's
little bitch.
Fuck you.
Yippee ki yay what?
Looks like we got
ourselves a big one.
Start you little bastard.
There's no reason for this.
It won't work here.
Your device,
it won't work here.
What's with the mask?
Are you the one who's been
doing this shit to us tonight?
I suppose you could
say I'm your host.
My father owns this building,
so I guess you could say
you're my trespasser.
Dear boy,
after all I've done
to make your evening
entertaining and jolly.
Don't tell me you're Mr. Jolly?
At your service.
You're dead.
Life is but energy.
Control energy, control life.
Listen, I don't care
who you think you are.
If you're the one who's been
pulling this shit tonight,
you're fucked in the head man.
You think this is
funny or something?
My friends are freaked out
beyond belief you old fuck.
My one friend just broke
his goddamn leg in the steps
because of the bullshit
you're pulling.
My puppets love to play.
Look, beautiful.
Blood moon.
Super they say.
An exhilarating view.
You can almost see
the temple from here.
You're a mason?
Everything means
something to a mason.
You, here tonight,
that means something.
Buddy, I don't have
time to chat, okay?
My friend is in trouble and
you seem to have caused it.
I need to go give him some help.
Where are your other friends?
I don't know.
That's not good.
A man should know
where his friends are.
Bad things could happen.
Good boy.
Get the fuck off me clown.
You and those fucking puppets
have gotten us into this.
You're gonna help me get
my friend downstairs,
unlock that fucking door so I
can take him to the hospital.
Do you understand?
Masons are magicians,
did you know that?
My dad's a mason,
he's no magician.
He's quite rich isn't he?
Yeah, so what?
He worked hard.
Greed, it's a nasty vice.
Quite common among
dark magicians.
I'm greedy for life,
Are you threatening me?
You're braver than your father.
What are you?
Control energy,
control life.
Bring the boy.
It's showtime.
Hello sugar, do we
know what day it is?
That's right, it's the Handy
Dandy day show, here we go.
Stef, you alive man?
Wake the fuck up man.
We're in big fucking trouble.
I mean, some sick shit man.
All right, everybody ready?
Let's make this a great show.
One of our best.
What do you say?
Hip hip hooray!
Places please, cue sound.
Five, four, three.
Boys and girls,
welcome once again
to the Mr Jolly and
Handy Dandy show.
Have we got a special
show for you tonight.
And for our special
studio audience Handy?
That's right Mr. Jolly,
we've been working
extra hard tonight.
Have you been having fun?
Oh you know it Mr. Jolly.
The gang and I have been
getting to know our friends
real well.
Well speaking of guest,
let's meet them right now.
What's this, some fucked
up Howdy Doody ripoff?
This shit is insane.
Did you see what
they did to Rick?
Handy, why don't
you do the honors?
Certainly Mr. Jolly.
In the tool shed we have the
amazing, living, robot lady.
Holy shit, let her go.
Oh Handy, we probably should
have explained the rules
more fully to our
special guests.
Nicky, would you
please tell the boy
what's expected of
them on our show?
Don't speak unless
you are spoken to.
There are consequences
for breaking the rules.
What consequences?
What did I just tell you?
Good boys.
And what would our show
be, boys and girls,
without the peanut gallery?
But, I don't see them.
Where could they be?
- We know Mr. Jolly.
- We know Mr. Jolly.
We know, we know.
We know Mr. Jolly.
And last but not least,
let's meet the newest member
of our puppet family, shall we?
Please welcome Abby!
You're a monster.
Well boys and girls
at home, it's game time.
Let's play, shall we?
Let's meet our first
contestant, Rosie.
Hi Rosie, are you having fun?
Oh yeah, this freak
show's a barrel of laughs.
Well since you're
an athletic fellow,
we have an athletic
game for you.
So Rosie,
what do you say?
You killed Josie,
freaking cut Rick's throat,
God knows what the hell
you're doing to Doc and Abby,
I think that's enough man.
You had your jollies fucker.
Who's ever left living,
walk on out of here.
Let us go you sick old fuck.
What's the matter Mr. Jolly?
He's ruining everything.
He's ruining the show.
He's ruining everything,
we waited 50 years.
We all waited for this
night, this one night.
And now he, he's
ruining the show.
He's ruining everything Handy.
It's a fuck enough.
Let us go.
He won't play.
He says, "No."
He says, "No."
And Rosie says, "No means no."
Oh well, I heard
that's not what he says
to his little girlfriends.
He likes it rough,
even if they don't.
In fact, I heard he-
I have nothing to do
with shit like that.
Oh no?
Fuck no, they
all for themselves.
10 of you at once?
It's not like that.
It's exactly like that.
- That's enough, let us go.
- That's enough, let us go.
- That's enough, let us go.
- That's enough, let us go.
Oh Handy,
you always know
just what to say.
Good boy.
Thank you Mr. Jolly.
Now, let's play.
Yes, right you are Handy.
Let's play the game.
So Rosie, what do you say?
I'll play your
stupid game, jackass.
- Hip hip hooray!
- Hip hip hooray!
Nicky would you explain
the rules please to Rosie?
Certainly boss.
Contestant Rosie,
all you have to do
is throw the ping-pong
balls into the bucket.
If you miss, you lose.
What do I lose?
Your hand.
But, good news, you
got two of those.
You got two chances.
Yeah, what happens if I do that?
We don't slice Doc.
How am I supposed
to do this game?
I can't stand, remember?
Your freaking puppets
took care of that.
We don't care, use the chair.
We don't care,
- use the chair.
- We don't care,
use the chair.
Shut up.
Not a very nice guest.
Hand me the damn ball.
Music please.
Drum roll please.
Uh oh.
Give the man his prize.
No, get away from me.
What a great contestant
boys and girls.
Let's give him a hand.
Boys and girls, do we
have a surprise for you.
A very special guest
for our next game.
Steffen, oh thank God.
Our last game was so
much fun boys and girls,
let's try another.
Steffen, it's your turn.
We're going to ask you a
simple geography question
and Richard here
will be the judge
of whether you're
right or wrong.
If you're right,
then we'll just shoot
some gas at Abby.
If you're wrong,
we'll break something.
You got that Steffen?
What are you doing?
Look what you've
done to these kids.
My puppets love to play.
Handy Dandy?
Take it away.
All right, you
remember the rules,
I ask a simple geography
question and you have to answer.
The judge will decide
if you're correct.
And if so, Abby will get gassed.
If not, we'll, uh, we'll
break your arm or something.
Steffen, what is the
capital city of Montana?
What the hell?
Uh, not really.
It's Helena.
But a game's a game and
the judge has ruled.
Sugar, hit the gas.
That's enough Sugar.
We have more questions.
Mr. Soundbad, could
you turn the sound up
on Abby for us please?
Okay, that's enough.
Turn the sound down.
All right Steffen,
let's make this next
round more interesting.
She can't take much more gas.
This time Richard,
if Steffen is wrong,
we don't break something,
we take something.
Stop this, there's no point.
Oh yes, there is
boys and girls at home.
Of course there's a
point, isn't there?
Let's tell Mr.
Richard the point.
I need hearts to live and
tonight's the only night
I can take them.
You know that very well,
otherwise, why are you here?
To stop you.
Well congratulations
on your raging success.
The night's not
over yet you bastard.
Almost, it's almost over.
Handy, next question.
How many square miles
are there in Texas?
No normal person
would know that answer.
You have 10 seconds.
20 million?
- Correct.
- No, 268,000.
Oh you truly are
a terrible character Richard.
Sugar, you heard the man.
Gas her.
Okay Mr. Jolly.
I'm sorry.
It only took you 10 minutes
to become a child killer.
You killed her, you fucker.
Well let's make this next
round very interesting.
You've known Doc since
she was a little girl.
Ah, intellectual
Doc, idealistic Doc.
What wonderful things she
could do for humanity.
Just think of the changes
she could make in this world,
while Steffen,
well Steffen's goal is to
open a decadent, high-end,
super model-laden night club.
So, this time,
if Steffen is right,
Doc gets the saw
in the tool shed.
And if he's wrong,
we'll take two of his limbs.
And what if I refuse to judge?
Oh then we'll take three.
Steffen, at anytime,
you can stop the game
by accepting the consequences
and saving your friend.
you're his last living friend.
Do you think he'll lose
two arms and possibly a leg
to save you?
Or, will he just let her die?
Let's find out.
You're insane Jolly.
Last question.
Who's your grandfather?
Richard William Crane.
But Steffen is
unfortunately not correct.
Richard William
Crane is my father.
There's no doubt about it.
I think there is.
Your mother was pregnant
before she met him.
Oh, did she fail to
mention that to you?
Do you know, Richard William
Crane is not your true father?
Mr. Jolly is your father.
No, that's impossible.
Let them go children.
Are you sure about
that Mr. Jolly?
There's no escape
for Richard now.
He knows that.
The show is over.
All right boys, you heard him.
Let him loose.
Okay boss.
Lucky fuckers.
Is he my grandfather?
No, can't be.
Why do you think
your mother came
to so many of my performances?
She hardly missed one.
Beautiful woman, your mother.
What does that prove?
Why do you think you
escaped all those years ago
when every other boy
in that field died?
I ran, I ran, you
said so yourself.
Look at my puppets.
You really think you
could get away from them
if they wanted to catch you?
They let you go.
That's right, we did.
Some of our best acting ever.
But then again, fooling
a kid as dumb as you
was easy as apple pie.
You murdering little liar.
If you're his father,
is my dad a magician?
Oh it's in the blood.
Is it in mine?
Let's find out.
Get away from him you fucker.
Richard, I'm gonna
give you another chance
to be a better man
than I think you are.
You can walk away,
but Steffen stays here
with my puppets and me.
Or he can leave
and you can stay.
Let Steffen go.
I'll stay and play with you
and your little monsters.
How touching.
I bet you didn't know he cared.
Oh Richard,
You found the dagger.
Yes, it wasn't where
you were looking for it.
It wasn't in the ruins.
I told you I came defended.
Let me have the dagger.
The power of the
Kandarian artifact
won't work for you and
you're out of your depth.
Game changer.
You won't have me or my son.
Children, no, come back!
Come back!
I want my children.
I thought I was
your child, father!
You are nothing to me!
You will take no more, no more!
I love you son.