Hanky Panky (2023) Movie Script
1
- Aw fuck.
Oh, thank God, yes.
Yes, hello.
Please help me, I
witnessed a murder.
I don't know where I am, I'm
in the-- I'm in the woods.
Yes, it was in the cabin.
It's evil.
I'm scared, I'm alone
and I'm running for my--
- Where's your sense
of adventure Sammy?
- I don't have a sense
of adventure, Woody.
This place gives me the creeps.
- It's
just your anxiety.
- I have social anxiety, Woody.
I'm supposed to be
comfortable when I'm alone.
- Aloha!
Namaste!
Who are you?
- Go on big guy, tell
her your name is Sam.
- Your name is Sam.
My name is Sam.
Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Diane, Carlos's best friend.
- Can come in?
- Yes, yes, of course.
- Wonderful.
- Yeah, we just got here.
- Oh, who's we?
- We, the royal we.
- Nice.
- And all the spirits.
This place is definitely
haunted, am I right?
- You know about the vortex?
- The what?
- This will be a
weekend of light
and love and oneness
and oregano oil, open.
- Yeah, it's a little much.
- Oh, yeah,
you're gonna use me
to wipe your wet lips.
Oh, God, yeah, oh...
- Wrong pipe
Oh, do it again,
do it again Sam.
Wipe her lips now.
- Woody.
- Woody?
- What do you, what do you,
what do you, what do you know?
I left my car unlocked and
I'm going to lock it up.
Because I don't want
any prowling mountain
folk to get it.
- I'm sure it's fine.
There's no one around for miles.
Thank you.
- Moon Goddess!
- Wolf Princess.
- Oh God.
I am so glad we're doing this.
So much healing.
- And like, so expected with
you both here and everything.
Honey.
- Name's Cliff.
- My husband.
- Sam.
- Sam, wow, that is such
a surprise to see you.
- Diane.
- Hey.
- Gonna get in, thank you.
- Okay, Diane,
could you just gimme
a quick hand with something?
- Of course, yeah.
Yay.
We'll be right back.
- We'll be back.
- Were you guys not expecting
other people to be here?
- Nope.
- What is that crazy
person doing here?
- Who?
Sam?
Oh, I just met him,
he seems great.
- No, Diane, he is not great.
You are literally the world's
most broken human thermometer.
That man is weird, scary weird.
Well Rebecca text-vited him.
- What?
Why did Rebecca
text-vite anyone?
This is supposed to
be a romantic weekend
for me and Cliff.
- You and Cliff hate each other.
- I know Diane.
That's why when
we go on vacation,
he gets to go ice fishing,
and I finally get
some alone time.
Jesus Christ, he's
terrible at packing.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.
Hold on.
How did Rebecca
get Sam's number?
- Well, she asked me for
it so I stole your phone,
and then I found Sam with three
really happy, excited,
exclamation points after it.
So, of course, I
assumed that was--
- No, that's Sam
with three terrified,
stay away exclamation points.
She meant my sister Samantha.
Oh God damn it.
I need a cigarette.
- I thought you quit.
- I did quit.
- That's why you're so cranky.
- I'm not cranky.
- Okay.
- I'm just a little irritable
because I'm on this medication
Intonix, to quit
smoking actually.
It causes all these
strange side effects,
like surrealistic nightmares,
hardening of the skull.
- What?
- Do you remember when I was
managing the IP paperwork
on the LACMA exhibit on 16th
century Romanian dinnerware?
- How could I forget?
- Okay, and I told you
about that guy who was like,
the world renowned expert
on antique tablecloths?
- I love vintage fabrics.
That's the guy
- Yeah, Diane, that's
the guy that brought
his own napkin that he
used to clean everything.
Everything.
- Maybe he was
just being helpful?
- No dude.
- In my monastery
service, is a core--
- No, I swear to God.
I saw him purposely spilling
things to clean them up.
You don't think that's weird?
Oh my God.
You're a shell of a man.
- You love it.
- Great.
Great, this is great.
- I'm seriously afraid
you're gonna kill Cliff.
- Diane.
- What?
- That is my business.
- Sh, sorry, I was
shushing you actually.
My wife Lilith is indisposed.
I'm Dr. Crane.
- I'm sorry.
I'm Sam, I work with Carla.
- Oh, how delightful,
I'm Cliff's brother.
Let me show you something.
- Vengeance will be ours.
- Can I put my luggage...?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You know women and their faces.
May I ask you, what do you
think of these paintings?
- They're a little
bit disturbing.
- Yes, and self-portraits.
- Beautiful.
I see it.
- Self-taught?
It's a common French expression.
- Does it mean yes?
- You're being too loud.
- I'm sorry.
- Let's get out of here.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.
Cliff's ridiculous
brother is here too?
- Clifford!
Come here.
Oh, okay.
- Rebecca said that she
wanted as many conscious minds
from the family as possible,
whatever that means.
She's so zany.
- Hey, babe.
So this is fucking great.
- Yeah.
- No romantic getaway
for the two of us.
But now the family gets to bond
and I get to go ice fishing.
Win-win, win.
- You are not ice fishing cliff.
- Why?
- Because you'll get drunk,
you won't catch any fish.
And then you'll be miserable
to be around all weekend.
So no fishing.
- Okay, so you're just gonna
have to let me go
fishing elsewhere.
I got one hot spot
that I want to try.
- Cliff.
- I'll just put it in and
just see what happens.
You know, I'm talking
about down there.
- I literally wanna
watch your entire body
just burn in slow
motion for eternity.
- I will forever be burning
in that icy hole of yours.
I'll melt it.
It's thick, but
I'll melt that shit.
- That's halfway to positive,
Cliff, that's halfway.
I thought you wanted
him to go fishing?
- It's our foreplay.
- We'll work on that.
- You know, Lilith,
my wife had her
reservations about coming here,
and I just said to them,
we are going to a cabin in
the mountains this weekend
if it kills us all.
- Why would it?
Why would it kill us all?
Well, this has been wonderful,
but I am gonna go
downstairs and kill myself.
- Great.
- Oh, Cliff.
- If you're going to
kill yourself downstairs,
please do so quietly,
because Lilith is,
she's trying to
rest for her head.
- Okay, got it, no shotgun.
I'll just use that furnace, so,
Carla, hear that my head will
be roasting in that
fucking furnace.
- I got it.
Make sure to light the
pilot light though, babe.
- My brother and his lively wit.
Excuse me, Clifford.
- Carla.
- What?
- Passive aggressive.
- It's aggressive aggressive.
- That's number two on the list.
We're gonna work on that,
so far it's all you.
I don't know what that's about.
- Is, if I may, is
Lilith, is Lilith,
is Lilith, does she
just have a headache?
- She's just got like a thing
with her head that we just,
it's better if we
don't talk about it.
- Dr. Crane was very protective.
- It's better if like, we
don't mention it at all.
- Have you ever heard
of the Roman god, Janus?
Rebecca!
Yay!
- Oh, you're here.
You guys are here.
- I know.
- Yeah, we all made it.
- Have you guys seen my
little brother Norm lately?
Not so little anymore.
- Fabulous.
- Growing up.
Big boy now.
- Hey, I'm Sam.
- Oh, oh, you're Sam.
Of course you're Sam.
Well, everybody's
here then, yay.
- Oh, oh, sorry.
- Allow me mademoiselle.
- It's miss.
- It's mister.
- Charmed.
- What a gentleman.
- Oh, Sam.
- Easy.
- Oh my guardian Angel.
I'm spasming.
- Woody.
- I'm spasming.
- Woody, Woody, Woody.
- Jesus, fucking
Christ, oh God, put it in.
Oh shit, I'm cumming.
- Stop it.
- You stop not putting
me in the fucking mess.
- Woody, woody, I
need you to calm down.
- I came.
- Do you feel out of sorts, Sam?
- Probably just
the mountain air.
- Yeah, ho!
- You know what
you need is a nice
hot cup of cocoa
and a good soak.
- I like it up here.
There's nobody around for miles.
- Yeah.
- Who the fuck is that?
- Oh, hi, y'all.
When I saw everyone
coming up the driveway,
I figured I might as
well be neighborly
and bake you some things.
- Wow, more baked goods.
- You made all that since we
got here like 20 minutes ago?
- Sure thing sweet pie.
It ain't nothing but some fried
up cookies and elbow grease.
Do y'all have any sugar?
I am plumb out.
- Yeah, definitely.
Okay.
- So nice to have Kelly here.
After what happened
to our last neighbor.
- It was, it was a hunting
accident, probably.
- Perhaps we should
go around the table
and introduce ourselves
to each other.
- That's a great idea.
- I'm Norm.
I live here with
my sister Rebecca,
and I work at the millinary.
- What's a millinary?
- A millinary is a
store that makes,
designs, trims
and or sells hats.
- Wow, you are just
full of surprises.
- You have no idea.
- I thought that a
milliner was someone
who sold buttons and
ribbons and things.
- That's a haberdasher.
- I thought a haberdasher
sold cloth and fabric.
- That is a draper.
Unless of course you're
talking about silks and linens,
in which case the word
you're looking for,
my good man, is a mercer.
- Hatmaking is a very
important part of our faith.
- Is that the Church
of Latter Day Saints?
- No.
- Oh, we're, we're not Mormons.
- We should be
very clear about this.
- We are
definitely not Mormons.
- Wow guys, this is
getting weird as balls.
I found moose mushrooms
on my way up here.
- Mooseshrooms.
- What are moose mushrooms?
- They are a rare and
sacred healing fungus
whose purple cap
sprout every nine years
atop certain remote
rocky mountain peaks.
- Well, bless your heart, that
sounds gosh darn fascinatin'.
- It is--
- But you know, I am
really quite interested
to hear more from Norm and
this very suspicious story
about the Mormons and the hats.
- Sorry, this is becoming
such a big deal, you guys.
It's really not.
Oh, I'm such a klutz.
I'll get it, hang on.
- Carla, have you
had a chance to...
- I'll get it, hang on.
- work with Jacob
Feinstein again?
- Norm, what are you doing?
You're gonna give too much away.
- Sister, it is fine.
- It's too early for them
to know who you really are.
- Tomorrow we will
make our sacrifice
and we will be
rewarded handsomely.
- What the fuck?
- Got it.
- What did you say
that you did again?
- Real estate.
- Real estate.
- Sammy, I got a real
bad feeling about these freaks.
I was wrong, okay?
I know I told you to come here.
I know I told you to open up
your horizons or whatever,
but this is not the time, okay?
- And you live nearby?
- Sammy?
- What has gotten into you?
- I mean it, we gotta
split pea soup, or end up--
- Stop it.
Excuse me.
- The heartland.
- Yeah.
- Where is that,
I'm not familiar?
- Salt Of The Earth.
- Salt Of The Earth, is that
like near Salt Lake, or?
- Blah bathroom, black,
black, black, black bathroom.
Woody, what is going on?
- Sammy, you've
gotta trust me on this, okay.
It ain't easy to explain.
- I don't understand Woody.
- I've been working
for years, years
on my anxiety in these
sorts of group gatherings.
And now I finally
put myself out there
and it's going pretty good.
And you wanna sabotage it
because some people
are a little strange?
Woody, take a good look at us.
Who are we to cast stones
at people who are
a little strange?
- We are in
real danger here Sam.
- Are you jealous?
- What?
- You're jealous.
These people actually like me.
But you don't care about that
because you just wish we'd gone
to a place with sloppier messes.
- Sam, you know me
better than that.
- Oh, I know you well, Woody.
I know that every time there's
a hot dog eating contest
or a chili cook off, or
a grape stomping party,
or literally anything
involving chicken wings,
you encourage me to
go out because you say
it'll be good for me to
be around other people.
Well, guess what?
I'm around other people
right now and I'm killing it.
I am absolutely crushing it.
- so he is crazy, that's crazy.
You owe me five bucks, bro.
- No
sometimes, you know.
- I do not have it.
- I think people sometimes
just need time to themselves.
- Yeah, crazy people.
- Yeah.
- Carla, why don't you
introduce yourself next?
- Well, sure.
I'm Carla, as you
all very well know.
- I hear you're
in arts financing.
- Yep, you know that to be true.
- Do you enjoy it?
- Nope, not particularly.
- Aw.
- Every time you've
offered me empathy, advice,
it's like you were
just looking out
for yourself the whole time.
- I have a weakness
for gigantic messes.
But this isn't like that, Sam,
I swear to God this isn't that.
- Oh no, then what
is it like, Woody?
- Listen Sam,
some things are just
too difficult for me to explain.
- If you're gonna be like this.
I just can't.
- Sammy, come on.
You know it makes me
uncomfortable when you cry.
- I'm not crying, even.
- You know
that that makes me
wanna wipe your tears
up with my body.
- Yeah.
- And you know
that turns me on, okay.
- I'm sorry.
- But I also have
empathy for your sadness.
And I don't know
what to do with that.
It's very confusing, bud.
- I'm not trying to
be sexy, I'm sad.
- You're really
fucking sexy Sam.
- Maybe we should spend
a little time apart.
- No, Sam.
Come on, you can't just leave me
in this weird black bathroom.
Oh, Sam, let me uppy Sammy.
Uppy?
Uppy Sam.
I wanna go up, buddy.
Sam, what are you
doing, come on.
Put me in the pock-pock Sam.
Put me in the pocky, Sam.
- No pock-pock.
- Sammy pick me up
and put me in your pocky.
This is about that
girl, isn't it?
- What if it is, Woody?
What if it is?
- I have two PhDs
and the first one
is in medieval,
Francophone, hagiography
from Cornell University,
which is in upstate New York.
It's also very cold there.
And so I'm comfortable in
this snowy mountain weather.
- So many PhDs.
- Now I am a
landscape portraitist.
- Wow, that's cool.
- Right, that
doesn't even exist.
He's a bartender, that's all.
- At a wine bar.
- He doesn't even make drinks.
- That's classy.
- So classy. I like
wine, I love wine.
- Most of the great
masters did have day jobs
before they became known
as painters, Clifford.
- Not at your age,
I don't think.
- At least I'm doing
something with my life.
How's that beer going for you?
- Oh.
- If you really wanna delve
up in your creative center,
I'll give you some of
them moose mushrooms.
You'll be painting with colors
you didn't even
know existed, bro.
Just painting with
your Aquarius.
- Museshrooms, eh?
- Well, I am always open to
learning about new colors.
- Oh, it's
gonna be so fun.
- May I just say, what a beauty
that is sitting
right in front of me.
- Oh, thank you.
Wow, oh, wow.
- Yes.
I'm speaking of course
about your scarf.
- Speaking about her scarf?
- No, I mean.
- No, no, no, it's fine.
I, I thank you, my
grandmother gave it to me.
- Was she Polish?
- Wow, how, that's, how
did you, that's amazing.
- That's from
Turlington's of Warsaw.
- Wow.
- You're a magician.
- No.
- Round of applause.
- Wow.
- May I?
- Of course.
- Yes, I know
Turlington's quite well.
What a specimen.
- How do you know so much about
textiles and fabrics
and haberdashery?
- Yeah.
- Well, my parents were always
very fastidious with
their cleanliness.
They tried to instill
some of that in me.
Of course, this was
all before the great--
Oh!
Oh I'm so sorry.
Oh my goodness.
- It's fine.
- So sorry, no, no, no.
This is fine Polish silk.
Do you have any
hydrogen peroxide?
- Oh, yeah, it's under the sink.
- So, so sorry.
- Yeah, I'm feeling kinda
shitty keeping that five bucks.
- Thanks, you really
don't have to do that.
- Oh, yes I do, yes I do.
Yeah, it's, I care
deeply about fabric.
- No one's ever taken such
good care of my things.
- Hawkeye to Mama Nest,
come in Mama Nest.
No sign of the target yet
but I'm zeroing in
on suspect Alpha.
My cover is intact and I've been
accepted as a local
mountain folk.
This birdie will
sing again at 0700.
You're nailing it, Kelly.
- Stop it.
You stop.
- Hey, look
at Mrs. Drinks-All-Day
popping pills on the toilet.
Jesus, everybody
here's a fucking mess.
- I can hear you, Cliff.
Fucking asshole.
- Well that was weird.
- What?
- Nothing?
- What the fuck?
- Hello,
can you hear me?
- Who the fuck is me?
- On the towel
rack toots, over here.
I'm the napkin.
- Oh shit, fucking Intonix.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, this is all
in your head, Carla.
Deep breath.
Oh God, I really need to
stop mixing pills and booze.
Later.
- I'm not a
cigarette addiction
medication hallucination lady.
My name is Woody.
- What kind of name
is that for a napkin?
- Sam named me.
Look, you gotta help
me, okay, please.
- Holy shit, you're that thing
he was using to
clean everything.
- Yeah, but I need
your help, okay?
Can you just not get distracted?
We're in danger here.
- I am fucking losing
it, Jesus Christ Carla.
Get your shit together,
get your shit together.
- Wait, I can prove it.
I'm not, I'm not
in your head okay?
I'll tell you something that,
that you could never
know otherwise.
- Holy shit.
I'm, I'm fucking losing it.
I am a crazy person, I'm
the craziest person here.
How did that happen?
Diane's here.
- Ask Sam
about the night
his father took him
to the old pond.
Tell him the moon that night
was the color of blood.
The color of blood, okay?
Please just do it.
Please!
The color of blood!
Hey, where are you
taking me lady?
- It just seems like
Lilith is suffering
from something
more than migraines
because both Carla and Diane
seemed very uncomfortable
when I asked.
- I don't care.
Hey, are you going to bed?
You need a little spin cycle
after that dryer's
done of our own?
A little spin?
- No.
- Aw, shit.
- God no.
- There's an extra bed up
here if anyone's interested.
Norm and I only need one.
We're from big
family, so, you know.
Okay.
- Doing a little spying?
- Sh!
- We must go see
what she has buried.
- No.
- Oh, yes, oui,
very much right now
because of the
snowing and there's--
- No, no.
- We have to do it now
or we'll never find
whatever she buried.
- You're very charming, you
can't charm me into this one.
- Get your coat.
Sam, get your coat.
Sam!
Sam, come here, the burial.
- What is it?
- Not what, Sam.
Whom.
- Is it a body?
Did she kill someone?
Who would, why would
she kill someone?
Who would she have killed?
It's a body, isn't it?
Oh my God.
- Indeed, it is a
what and not a whom.
- What?
Is that a pantsuit?
Oh, thank God.
- No, Sam, this is worse.
This is much worse.
- Worse than if
it were dead body?
- Sam,
this is a Givenchy
skirtsuit, Sam.
Definitely last season.
You can tell from the cut
and look at these buttons.
Kelly is an imposter,
Sam, an imposter.
Oh, what fools these mortals be.
- You gather all this
from a buried pantsuit?
- Not a pantsuit Sam.
A Givenchy skirtsuit
Nouvelle Boutique.
It is a very chic designer.
This belongs not
in these mountains,
but on the runways of gay Paris.
Who is Kelly really?
Why would she be wearing this?
Why did she come here?
She said she was in real estate.
This is too fine
even for real estate.
Whence comes she to
here wearing this
for us and hides it so that
we don't know what it is, Sam?
It doesn't make any sense.
And is it not also suspicious
that she baked a
bunch of cookies
Or at least she said she did,
but they were store bought.
- I thought so.
- We must away.
- Okay, this way.
- Good, I was just thinking
it was too quiet around here.
- You see her?
- After you.
- After you.
- I insist.
- I insist.
- I insist.
- You.
- Carla, Carla, Carla.
I'm sorry, beg your pardon,
but I think we must,
absolutely must assemble a
cabin meeting with everyone.
- Where are the others?
- Cliff and Diana are out
in the forest being idiots.
And Rebecca and Norm took the
car into town to get supplies.
They said something about
the nightmare storm or
the storm of all ages.
I don't know, I wasn't
really listening.
- We have to talk about Kelly.
- It's her, quick,
hide the Givenchy.
- Hey, it's about time.
Hi sweetheart, what's your name?
Oh, oh yeah, big one.
- I'll get Lilith.
Let's get out of here.
- Hey y'all.
I heard there's
a storm a brewing
so I spent the morning baking.
- That is to say, all you
did this morning was bake?
- Heck yeah.
What else would I be doing?
Good thing too, power just
crapped out at my place.
- Electromagnetism.
- Just the beginning
of the storm.
- ...morning of the
second coming, will return.
And so does this blizzard
portend Him coming.
- And we got Chex Mix!
- Let me
help you with that.
- Carla, Carla, I think,
I think we should,
I think we should collect
Cliff and Diane right away.
- What, why? They're fine.
- There's a blizzard coming in.
- Yeah, they're
probably safer out there
than we are in here
with these freaks.
- That's the thing,
it's about Kelly.
Dr. Crane and I saw--
- Okay, I don't wanna
talk about Dr. Crane.
You know he's not a
real doctor, right?
- Sure he is.
Hagiography is a real thing.
- It's not a thing.
- Carla, I need you
to listen to me, okay.
Dr. Crane--
- Sam, you need to listen to me.
You don't even
know these people.
You are not even
supposed to be here.
It's just that Rebecca
texted the wrong Sam
in my phone like
a fucking idiot.
Okay.
- I see.
- I'm sorry.
That was, that came out wrong.
I'm just like, I'm on
these pills and I'm.
- Makes sense.
That's on me.
I, I should have double checked
that it was the right Sam.
- No, it's, that would
be really dumb to do.
- When I got the text.
Stupid.
- You're not, it's.
- Oh God.
- Okay, it's fine.
- No, it's just, it's.
- You're fine.
- It's just my
father said something
very similar to me the last day
that I saw him ever
in my life. So.
He said, you shouldn't
even be here.
- Dude, I'm kind
of trying to read.
- We had gone out fishing.
He hadn't wanted to bring
me, but mother insisted.
We were out on the lake.
He'd spent the whole day
drinking, not catching anything.
Night fell and the moon came out
and he said, look at
the blood moon son.
That's the color of
your mother's eyes.
- What did you just say?
- And that's the last
thing he ever said to me.
- Oh my God.
- We rowed back to shore,
trudged up to the cabin
in complete silence.
And then the next
day he was gone.
The only thing he left behind
for me to remember him
by was his handkerchief.
Like a little tropical
print flag of surrender.
- Woody.
- What?
What did you?
- Woody, that's your,
your napkin's name, right?
- How did you know that?
- He told me.
- You can hear him too?
- I guess.
- Oh my God, I always
thought I was crazy.
- Yeah, me too.
I, I can't believe I'm about
to say this to you right now,
but I, I don't
think you're crazy.
- Thank you.
- Unless we're just both crazy.
- No, the first one.
- I don't know, we are
talking to napkins.
- Shut up.
Oh my God.
- What?
- Woody, he tried to warn me.
- What do you mean?
- He said that we're
in danger here.
- Danger, what kind of danger?
- I don't know.
But I think we
should collect him
and get Cliff and Diana
and get outta here.
- It looks like we made
it back just in time.
- God damn, it is thick.
Fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah.
What?
Oh, ice shack baby!
You want me to put you on?
I could do that.
Thanks for the beer, Mr. Hat.
- Wow, it's really
blowing out there.
Looks like we're gonna
have to hunker down,
I wonder how we're
gonna pass the time.
What about charades?
- Or who wants to decorate
Christmas cookies?
- How are you doing that?
- Where do they even come from?
- I made these from scratch.
Got this cute little
Christmas sweater.
We can all make some cute
little Christmas sweaters.
I mean, look at this,
this one has a happy face.
Happy little Christmas sweaters.
- I'm sure that the
storm will pass soon.
- And why would you
think that Norm?
- The only way we can
fulfill our ritual.
- Your ritual.
- Your what?
- I thought this weekend
was about Carla's marriage.
- Oh, it is, it was.
I mean, you know, but
this is really just,
what he means by ritual is uh,
we were all gonna get
together in a little
circle outside maybe,
and with like a little bit
of salt and a star in there,
but, or heart, you
know, whatever.
It's loving, it's
a loving thing.
- It's ritual.
- We could eat the
cookies, it would be great.
But now the storm is happening.
So I think you'd
be really surprised
at how good Norm is at charades.
- We need an even
number of people anyway.
- For charades, yes, exactly.
Doesn't that sound lovely?
I'm gonna go get
Dr. Crane. You guys.
- I'm gonna go check
on the laundry.
- Yeah, I'll come with you.
Let's do that.
- Holy fucking
shit, thank God.
It's about time.
- Woody, I am so sorry.
- That's okay
Sammy, I forgive you.
Look, don't take
this the wrong way,
but I still think we
gotta get outta here.
- I am right there
with you, buddy.
Yeah.
- Hey, you brought
Amy Smart over here.
- Yeah, hey.
- It seems she
can also hear you.
- Yeah, sorry.
I thought you were one of my
cigarette medication
addiction hallucinations.
- Eh, no sweat toots.
Or, better yet, why don't
you sweat a little bit
and let me wipe your brow
with my body because
I'm a napkin.
- What do you fellas say
we get outta here before
shit gets any weirder?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
- Speaking of weird,
Lilith, Dr. Crane's wife.
- Yeah.
- I never ended up seeing her.
Is she okay?
- That's okay, yeah she's--
- Yeah, that is strange.
- Yeah, she's, she's fine.
- Tell her, tell her I said hi.
- Holy shit.
- I'm so sorry, I didn't
mean to alarm anyone.
- Check the body.
- It's okay.
We can play charades
with odd numbers, right?
- No pulse.
He's dead.
- No, he's just a little
stiff, that's all.
I know in this altitude
sometimes I don't sleep well
and, and my shoulder
gets a little crink in it
and gets kind of frozen,
you know what I mean?
And sometimes I can just sort of
walk around like this and
then I can't really move.
And sometimes I do end up
laying, you know, on the ground.
Right? That's a yoga move.
Savasana? Yavasana? Savasana,
I was right the first time.
That's what it is.
This is the most
powerful yoga move.
I don't know if you know that.
I do that, I do
that yoga, I do it.
I do it every day.
It really relaxes me.
Really all he needs
is just a nice cup
of hot cocoa and a
really good soak.
- We've all got to remain calm.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Who could have done
something like this?
- Lilith.
- That's Lilith?
- Yeah.
- She's, she's,
she's very beautiful.
- She's aight.
- What is?
What?
No!
No!
No!
- The way you were talking
about her made me think
she was like, hideously
deformed or something.
- Oh, well wait for it.
- Wake up, wake up!
Who will study the saints
of the Old France now?!
- There it is.
- Two heads.
You could've said--
- Well, one head, two faces.
- You could've said that.
- It's hard to explain.
- It's not hard to
explain, she has two faces.
You could've said
she has two faces.
- You would've asked
a lot of questions.
- You were saying
she has uh, uh.
- It's just!
- Who did this?
Who killed my doctor?
Which one of you
bastards did this?
- What?
You just did it to--
But you just--
- Her husband just died!
- I thought we were slapping
people to keep them calm!
- That doesn't even make sense!
- We have got to
stop slapping people!
- You started it.
- Oh wake up, please wake up!
- So this is sad.
- What about wild animals?
- There's nothing
coming out in this.
You didn't kill 'em,
did you see Sam?
- What?
No.
- Yeah, you don't
strike me as the type.
Who do you think did it?
- I don't know.
I sure wish Cliff and
Diane would come back.
- I'm sure they're doing
everything in their power
to get back here in one piece.
- Yeah.
Should we say something?
- Oh shit.
Excuse me, sorry.
Excuse me.
If I could just get a hand.
I will not let myself freeze
to death in this beautiful
and majestic, but
deadly and icy tundra.
There's a stray branch
in between my thighs.
Do it like a mama gorilla,
do it like a mama gorilla.
Oh wonderous, cruel nature.
- It's a fairy castle.
It's a fairy castle on the ice.
It's Neuschwanstein.
Thank you Goddess!
I'm coming for you
Neuschwanstein!
I hope they make me their queen.
Oh yes, thank you.
Cliff?
What are you doing
in Neuschwanstein?
- What?
- Tiny Bavarian chair.
- Get
comfortable, Diane, for
soon you will be mine.
- Excuse me?
You are married to
my best friend, sir.
- Did you eat some
of those mushrooms?
- Is it that obvious
I'm tripping?
- Hearing shit?
- You are hearing shit.
You're hearing me!
The moose mushrooms
expanded your mind.
Soon all of your
minds will be opened.
And then I will feed on your
souls and assume my true form!
- Earth to Diane.
You, you, you here?
- Trying to make
plans to eat people's brains.
And I need the
souls to do it too.
- Hey, you with me?
Diane!
- Cliff.
- You'd better eat some moose
mushrooms too, my brother,
because there is
some weird ass shit
you gotta see with
this fucking hat.
- Every single one
of you had both
the motive and the opportunity.
- How do you mean?
- Well, Diane and Cliff
are suspiciously absent.
- Clifford was very
jealous of his brother.
He was smarter, more successful,
and had a bigger bottom.
- Okay, for sake, Lilith,
your husband was a lazy fraud
who spent a decade in school
to avoid getting a real job.
I mean, medieval hagiography
is not even a real thing.
He's a fucking asshole,
you're a fucking asshole.
You all suck and Cliff is twice
the man Dr. Crane is, or was.
- Carla.
- What?
- The women just
lost her husband.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- Hey guys, why
are we not pointing fingers
at the freaky cult
twins over here?
- What about our hosts?
- There you go.
- Norm and Rebecca, you
two have been suspiciously
up to something
this whole weekend.
- Yeah, clearly this weekend
is not about me and Cliff.
- Okay, our ways are
strange, for sure.
I will give you that.
But we would never
kill any of you.
- I heard 'em, Sam.
I heard 'em talking
about a sacrifice, buddy.
- I overheard them
talking about a sacrifice.
- What we meant was a
sacrifice of your time.
- Yes.
- You know, you all came here
and we're hanging out, you know.
Jamming about hats, talking
about 'em, learning about them.
- Hats.
- That's what this was for
and we're doing it right now.
It's that.
- Yes.
- What we meant.
- People, we have got to stop
pointing fingers at one another.
- I have something else to say.
Kelly is not who
she claims to be!
- Oh, come on.
- Dr. Crane and I saw
her early this morning
burying something
out in the tundra.
We became suspicious and
we went and we dug it up.
We found buried there a
torn Givenchy skirtsuit.
- Torn?
- Oh my God!
What's that?
- A very chic designer.
- Where is it?
- In the dryer.
Right here.
- It's gorgeous.
- Kelly came over right after
we found the Givenchy.
So Dr. Crane hid
it in the dryer.
Kelly must have seen
him at some point,
and so she killed him.
- Oh my God.
- I fucked the
shit out of that thing.
I'll tell you, she's--
- And I found some sort of
high tech gizmo of hers.
- What?
- Where's that?
- Downstairs.
It fell out of her pocket
when we were slapping
each other and,
and all that.
- Kelly, is this yours?
- Yes but, but I didn't do it.
- Oh, Kelly, stop
being so two-faced.
Lilith, I am so sorry.
It was so literal.
And it, I.
- Sh, it's fine.
I don't think that
we should wait
for this woman to
trick us anymore
with her Givenchy-wearing
Let's tie her up.
- I don't know what that
means, but I'm with Lilith.
This bitch has got to go.
- Kelly, I love you like a
neighbor, but killing Dr. Crane,
that was just, that was
not neighborly at all.
- Guys, do not turn
this into a witch hunt.
You have no idea what's
really happening.
- A power outage.
- It always
comes right back on.
- What's that sound?
- The stars are
ageless, aren't they?
- This isn't what it looks like.
- Kelly!
Stop killing people.
- I didn't do it.
- Okay, I think if we all work
together, we can take her.
- Okay.
Get her!
- Oh my God my face.
- My face hurts so much.
- My face.
- My whole face hurts.
- Stomach, it's
like an ab workout.
- Wow.
These mooseshrooms
are really something.
- How long have we been
laughing for right now?
- Can you believe that
your and Carla's wedding
was five years ago?
- Been married to
Carla for five years.
- Oh no.
- That's, that's over 1500.
- Cliff, Cliff.
- What?
- Cliff, Cliff.
- Fucking grind.
- Cliff, my man, listen, listen.
I'm gonna save your marriage.
I've got a certificate.
From the Topanga
Women's Ayahuasca Troop.
- TWAT?
- The Topanga Women's
Ayahuasca Troop.
- Oh, I heard you.
- Whole troop of
people doing good work.
- Okay, listen.
- I'm, I'm listening.
- Okay, check it,
check it, check it.
- What's up?
- It's the Topanga
Women's Ayahuasca Troop.
- Yeah, Topanga Women
Ayahuasca Troop.
- TWAT.
- It spells TWAT!
I was wondering why everybody
was going around
calling everybody twats.
No way, man!
- Hey, where'd,
where'd that guy go?
- What guy?
- That hat.
- What hat? Oh, Harry?
- Yeah.
- That guy?
- Yeah.
- That guy left weeks ago.
- What?
- Yeah, remember he
said he was gonna,
he was going to, he was
gonna eat the souls of
our comrades, remember that?
- Geez.
- Yeah, I know, something
about how he's an alien
trapped in the form of a hat.
How, initially he thought
the easiest way out
would be to convince those weird
culty twins that he
was their Messiah.
So that they would
sacrifice themselves and us
so he could use their bodies
as vessels to take human form.
They really screwed the
pooch on that front,
so now he's just gonna try to
suck everyone's souls out
through the top of their heads.
Because he derives sick
pleasure from our suffering.
I wasn't really listening, man.
You know, like, I'm so in
and out most of the time.
Like, am I just a bad listener?
- No, no, no.
That guy was just so much.
- Too much, right?
- Too much.
- He's like, just like
cllate la boca! bruh
- It's enough, it's enough.
Shrill.
- Too much.
- You think my marriage
really needs saving?
- I think that you and
Carla truly love each other,
but you're both deeply afraid
to be present in that love.
- What?
- You and Carla are
perfect complements,
but you need to be open
to your true selves.
- So like, no more
joshing each other
about killing each other
in very creative ways?
- Yeah, no.
Where is all that anger
coming from Cliff?
- My selfishness?
- Wow.
That is heavy.
Go on.
- When we first got together,
all I cared about was her.
I wanted to take care of her.
After a couple
years of marriage,
we stopped being
on the same team.
Now it's just about what
I can get away with,
what I can take from her.
- Wow, yeah.
- I just wanna get mine
and she wants to get hers.
Somewhere, it all just turned
into a business transaction.
- Just so you know, we're
gonna have to wrap this up.
We're actually out of time.
- You know when it changed?
When she quit musical theater
and got a corporate job.
What's funny is I encouraged
her to make that decision.
I wanted her to feel like an
independent, successful woman.
But she's a terrible
nine to fiver.
It's not Carla.
She was really great at
being an unemployed actress.
- I bet.
- Whoa.
- If we can just, we
can just, wrap it on up.
- Okay.
I'm just.
- Bundle those feelings
up 'til next week, okay?
- I'm, I'm just.
- Bow this for the week,
next week, we'll really
delve back in, okay?
I think we've had some really
good progress here today though.
Yeah.
Some really good
progress here today.
- I think I like what's
happening with these hands.
- Like this hand
movement, me too, me too.
- My problem is, though,
all this cool, like soul
searching we've been doing?
I can't, I, I don't
know how to fix it.
- Tell her, forget all
these delicious cans
of cold brewskies and your
fishing poles and your trout,
and let's go save your marriage.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- You on board?
- Yeah!
- I'm on board!
- There is no time to
waste your majesty.
Get your coat.
- Oh, it's cold.
- Cliff, grab onto
my wolf afghan.
- Why did we leave?
- I don't know.
- We gotta go back.
- No, we've come too far.
It's all for love, Cliff.
- No.
- It's all for love.
- Carla!
Oh shit.
- I can explain everything.
I didn't kill anyone,
but I know who did.
- I don't believe her.
- Me neither.
- I can't tell.
- As you may have surmised,
I am not who I said I am.
That much is true.
- Yeah, it's obvious.
- I am a secret agent.
I work for a covert
government group
akin to what you all
know as the Men in Black.
- Like the movie?
- Ah fuck.
- We handle top secret
paranormal investigations.
And I am part of a
task force that deals
with potentially malicious
extraterrestrial entities.
- But Kelly, you're
our neighbor.
- I was assigned here
to keep an eye on Norm.
- My Norm?
Normy Norm, the Norminator?
What do you have
against Mr. Nomnom?
- We have reason to believe
that the hat Norm
communicates with,
the one you believe to be the
second coming of your God,
is actually an
extra-dimensional alien
trying to materialize
in our universe.
- What, that's impossible.
- Okay, but if you didn't
kill the Cranes, then who did?
- The evil alien life force
that Norm communicates
with, Harry the Hat.
But don't worry, if
you just untie me,
I can get this
situation under control.
- Not gonna
let that happen, hiya!
Ooh suction engaged.
I'm a-chopping, nom, nom, nom.
Num, num, num, num, num.
It tastes so good!
Num, num, num, num, num.
- Harry, come here!
- Told you I didn't do it.
- And a
flawless dismount.
- Oh Norm!
Mr. Nomnom!
My little Normweigian Wood!
- We should go.
- We should.
- We should go.
- You're
not going anywhere!
Oh yeah, you gotta run
a little, juke juke?!
A little bob and weave,
you might even escape!
- Jesus.
- My little Garden Norm.
- Where do you
think you're going?
Coming for your ankles.
- You can do this, Norm Chomsky.
- What about this door?
But you can't get outta
here because I'm in the way!
Hiya, hiya!
- I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming to you!
- Run!
- How's your
soul sweetheart?
Can I get a little sucky sucky?
Oh yeah, go into the
room with no exit.
I got you, suckers!
- Was that a fucking flying hat?
- That was a fucking flying hat!
- Oh my God.
- Woody, did you know
about that flying hat?
Hmm?
- This
ain't easy, Sammy.
Listen, I know deep down,
you've always believed
I was a part of you.
- Yeah.
- And you've
been like a son to me.
- And you've been like a
father and a lover to me.
- Okay, guys, this is really
fucking touching and everything,
but could someone please
explain what's going on?
Please?
- Give us a minute.
- What I'm trying
to say is, I'm an alien.
- From like a whole
planet of handkerchiefs?
- What?
No, Sam, that's
the most ridiculous
shit I ever fucking heard.
I'm from the ninth dimension.
Beyond space, beyond time,
beyond what humans
can comprehend.
When you humans look
out into the cosmos,
you see chains of galaxies.
When you look into your
own fucking brains,
you see chains of neurons.
You are shackled
by these chains.
These are the limits
of human consciousness.
Where I come from, everything
is about cosmic order.
And your world is filled
with delicious chaos.
- That's why you love
to clean up messes.
- Exactly.
The first couple of
dimensions for me,
that's like like my baser
desires, you know what I mean?
- I hear them coming.
I'm definitely gonna need
a brush-up on this later,
but for now can we
just not get cut
into little fucking
pieces by a goddamn hat?
- Yeah, we need to find
Cliff and Diane too.
- Look, Sam, I get where
you're coming from.
I really do.
I'm really sorry
to tell you this,
but they're probably
dead by now.
You know, frozen
out that blizzard,
but we have to help
ourselves, you know.
We should get back
to civilization.
We'll have a nice double
funeral for them, you know?
We'll get one of
those big sandwiches
and we'll play Blackbird
we'll light candles.
- No, no, no!
- Why?
- We can't just leave them.
- What else do you wanna do?
I'm just being realistic, fuck.
- Sam's right, Carla.
- What?
- We need more
human consciousnesses
to fight off Harry the hat.
- What the fuck does that mean?
- Harry wants to be
summoned into this world.
That's the ritual those creepy
fucking twins we're
talking about.
- Fucking Rebecca, I knew it.
- But then
there was the storm
and everybody split
up and got high
and the plan didn't work out.
So he started just
killing people.
That's kind of what he does.
He tends to jump right
into killing people.
- Great.
- Bastard.
- He's half in
the world already.
For him to fully enter,
he needs this circle of
human minds to bring him in.
You need like three, four
good minds, probably.
- Well, they, they only
have Norm and Rebecca,
and that's, that's just two so.
- Well, and that's
why they're after us.
We need to act fast.
- We could
banish him entirely
using our own mental cosmic web
if we had two minds that were
cosmically bonded together,
like soulmates, but.
I'm just, I'm
looking at you two,
and I don't think
your soulmates.
- Oh no, definitely not.
He's off-putting and strange
and smells like shoes.
- Okay.
Was that really necessary?
- Oh grow a dick.
- Oh.
- Carla, this entire weekend,
you've been nothing
but unmitigatedly cruel
to the people in this world
who love you the most.
- Excuse me?
- You have an
amazing best friend.
A wonderful family,
a husband who's endearing
in, in his own way.
And you cut them all down
every chance you get.
- No I don't.
- I have been nothing but polite
and kind to you this whole time,
even though I was invited
here under false pretense.
- Oh, that's not--
- We all came here for you!
And now at least
three people are dead.
And then you still feel entitled
to insult me to my face.
How do you go through
life like this?
What is wrong with you?
- I don't, I don't know.
I'm just going
through a hard time.
I don't know.
I don't mean to act that way.
- This window is
still frozen shut
and we are buried
under a pile of snow!
- Muchachos, look who
you're talking to here.
Sammy, have you ever seen a
mess that I couldn't clean up?
- No, but Woody, this is
hardly the time for that.
- Sam, a pile of snow is a mess.
And I like messes.
And that's why I
came to this planet,
to wipe up messes with my body.
- All right.
- Use me to clean, Sam.
- Use him to clean, Sam.
Shit!
Oh my God.
- You gotta hurry, you
gotta fucking hurry.
You've gotta do it
a little bit faster.
No, faster, faster
than that, oh my God.
Holy shit, Sam, I
don't wanna die.
You gotta go faster, I know
this is a big moment for you,
but you've gotta go faster.
I'm sorry I was mean to you.
I'm sorry I told you you smell.
- It's working.
- Oh shit.
- I see, daylight!
- You get it?
Oh shit, oh shit.
- Grab the coats!
- Okay.
Here, Sam!
- All right.
- Let me in.
- Okay, okay.
- We could
have been friends.
We could be friends.
I just wanna be friends.
- That's it,
we're gonna make it,
we're gonna make
it, you've got it!
I got ya, oh fuck.
Jesus Christ.
- Come on.
Which way did
Cliff and Diane go?
- I don't
know, I don't know.
That way, that way.
- Okay.
Come on.
Come on, get up.
- I can't
- Get up, yes you can.
- I can't.
- You wanna be killed by a hat?
- I guess.
- You wanna freeze to death--
- Yeah.
- Just because you're
running from a hat?
Come on, Cliff is
out there somewhere.
We gotta find him.
Remember how much you love him?
Kind of.
You got this weird
sadomasochistic thing going on
and it works for you.
- This is a terrible
vacation, Sam.
- I know, I know, it's terrible.
Come on, if we stick together.
If we stick together, I
think we can defeat this guy.
All we have to do is make sure.
- I don't see him.
- Maybe we stay back to back.
- I don't think so.
- Oh my God!
Carla!
Carla!
- Oh shit.
Sam?
Woody?
Cliff?
Cliff, I'm sorry!
Sam?
- Ha, surprise!
Om, nom, nom, nom!
Your soul is so delicious!
Oh yeah, fall down gently.
Ya good soul!
Oh it's been a while
and it tastes even
better than I thought!
- Where'd she go, Carla!
- I'm freezing
my balls off, Sammy.
- Surprise!
You're not going anywhere.
Witness and reveal!
Oh, yeah, try for the
left, now I'm in the left.
Try for the right,
I'm on your right!
I'm gonna get your brain!
Ow, fuck.
- Carla.
Carla, I have such
a story to tell you.
Oh my God, I have had the
adventure of a lifetime
and things are
gonna be different.
Trust me, things
will be different.
Oh my God.
What are you doing out here?
What are you doing,
playing dead or something?
Oh, okay.
This is because I
called you lazy.
I get it, I get it.
Okay, sorry I called you lazy.
I'm sorry, I think I'm
just sorry, you know?
Hey, come on, let's go inside.
It's gonna be a good time.
I got so much to tell
you around the fire.
This, hey.
Hey.
Carla?
What are you doing out
here, what's all this?
What is this, like snow cones?
You're crazy.
What is this, like
cherry or strawberry?
That's not.
Carla?
Carla?
Oh fuck.
Oh my, oh my God.
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, I, I.
Okay, uh, oh fuck.
- Grand entrance.
Well, you certainly look cozy.
- Is that a problem?
- Oh, no, no, no.
Don't let me intrude
on your hot cocoa sesh
and your nappy time.
Certainly more fun than taking
out this group of recruits
to the anointed spot and
sacrificing them in a circle.
- I can hardly be held
accountable for the weather.
- I was supposed
to be the Uber-Hut.
- You just started
killing everyone.
I, I tried to stop you.
That wasn't the plan, Harry.
You always jump to
killing people so soon.
- I have a better idea.
- You're weak Norm
and I'm outtie.
Watch me fly!
Intermixing
consciousness'es'es'es!
- Sister.
How could you?
- Well done Rebecca.
- Sam!
Oh gosh, Sam!
Yes.
Oh gosh.
Oh, oh, oh no.
Oh God, I'm down.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I've never been so happy to
see anyone in my whole life.
- Diane, it is so
good to see you.
- Oh, great.
Yeah, everybody's alive, great.
- Yeah, of course I'm alive.
Although I am very lost.
- You can hear him too.
- Who?
- Me, I'm the napkin.
- Oh my grass, your
handkerchief is talking.
- The name's Woody.
Nice to meet you.
But save your
lovey-dovey reunion stuff
for if we get outta
here with our stitching,
and whatever you call
'em, heads, respectively.
- Have to admit, a little
confused about what's going on.
- The situation
back at the cabin
has really, really,
really deteriorated.
Rather horrifically.
We're in grave danger.
- Oh no.
- Oh yeah.
- Okay.
- We have to go
back to the cabin
and we have to make our final
stand against Harry the hat.
- Aw, really?
- I know.
- But he's such a cool.
- He's not.
- Okay.
- He's awful.
- Well, okay, I'm with you.
Only thing, don't know
where the cabin is.
I've been looking
for it for hours.
- I don't know either.
- It's literally
been, I think hours.
- I am so lost.
- It's like the
Labyrinth of Daedalus.
- It's a labyrinth of
confusion and snow.
- Seriously, I'm worried.
- Oh look, it's right there.
- We might not find it.
There it is.
- It's right there.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I don't know if it was
the snow in my eyes or what.
- Yeah, no, I'm not.
- Well, should we?
- It's right there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no, lead the
way, lead the way.
- Okay, alright, let's go.
- Wait, quick, real quick.
I'm still unclear if
I am tripping or if,
or if people are actually dead.
- They're actually
dead, come on.
- I also really have to pee.
Oh my God, Norm.
- Da fuck?
- You were fools
to come back here.
I will crush your world
and eat your dimension.
- Rebecca, this was
your plan all along?
- My brother Norm
was but a worm,
a tool, you really think
he was the chosen one? Bah!
It was my birthright to
inherit the spirit of our Lord.
- Yeah, you guys, I'm
definitely not following this.
- I'll explain
what I know later.
- Okay, yeah, yeah,
great, thanks.
- You never
understood me, Diane.
You and Carla both,
you never believed
I would amount to anything,
but now I will become
Lord of this world.
- No, that is not true.
I totally had faith in you
when you wanted to
be a ski instructor.
- I don't wanna be a fucking
ski instructor, Diane.
I wanna become power incarnate!
- Woody, fly.
- Alright Harry,
you've had your fun.
- Oh, you're gonna
monologue first.
- Makes sense.
- Leave these people
alone, it's me you want.
- I do want you, Woody.
All of this death
and destruction could
have been avoided
if you had just cooperated.
- Hey, don't
put this on me.
I'm on fucking vacation here.
- Join me, Woody.
Think of the team we would make.
I kill him, you
clean up the debris.
It'd be just like
the good old days.
- That's
all behind me now.
- You belong with me
in the higher planes.
I will create messes
that will be beyond
your wildest dreams.
Together, Woody, we will, mop
up galactic superclusters!
- I spit on your offer,
and then I clean up the
spit 'cause I'm a napkin.
And it makes me come to do that.
I choose to stay here,
with my true friends.
- What could these humans
possibly offer you?
- You
wouldn't understand.
You could never be as
messy as these people.
I searched the entire universe.
No species anywhere can
match the low down dirty,
disgusting, messy, chaotic
filth of human beings.
There is a floating
pile of garbage
in the middle of
the fucking ocean
that's the size of Florida.
- That's disgusting.
- You could
keep your beautiful
chandelier universe,
I'll take earth.
Thank you very little.
- Very well.
I can see you have
made your decision.
Too bad you won't be able
to enjoy it for long!
Take that!
- You mean take hat!
- It's a good one.
- You can't even
pun, you son of a bitch.
- Get him, get him
- Go on, get him.
Gotta get the angle.
- Upper cuts.
Upper crust, pizza crust.
- What do we do if he loses?
- I don't know.
Do we run?
- I can't leave him.
- Do we submit to his will?
- Ooh, I don't want to.
- Finish him!
- Come on Woody.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Do it to him!
Get him!
- Make him bleed!
- Get him!
- Upper hand, Woody, upper hand!
- Come on, come on buddy, yes.
Oh.
- Yes, where did he learn that?
- I don't know!
- Amazing, that's
a full twist-around.
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh God, it's brutal.
Wipe the floor with him!
- Oh, that's good.
- Right?
- Oh no!
Enough!
- That's
right motherfucker!
- Hats off to you.
Been thinking all
day about hat puns.
- I know you are, that's great.
That's really good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh shit.
- You can't stop us, you know.
Don't try.
- I got a trump
card up my sleeve.
A secret weapon, if you will
that's gonna send you
all back down to Hell.
- Ha, I call your bluff.
How could you defeat me,
you're just a paltry hanky.
- We don't just got a
hanky, we got hanky panky!
Now kiss each other
you fucking soulmates!
- What?
- A little on the spot,
but it's fine, it's fine.
- What does that even mean?
- Yeah, just.
How about you go, you go that
way and I'll go this way?
- Sure.
- Yep.
- What?
- Now touch tongues.
- Impossible!
No!
No!
No, this is bullshit!
- That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I know.
- Thank you.
- I've been known.
I mean, not known.
- That's okay.
- That's not.
- Didn't read it that way.
- Great, fantastic.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- That worked.
- That was great.
Oh yeah, that worked,
that was fantastic.
- Yeah, no, but also the kiss.
- That worked too, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, good.
Just wanted to.
So.
Right.
- Yes.
- Right.
What do we do with this?
Wow, that was...
- Intense.
- That was weird.
- Weird.
- Right?
Whole thing was just, what?
- Whole thing, weird.
- Really weird.
- Every tiny detail.
But you know what?
I think I really did some good
for Cliff and Carla's marriage.
- I think so too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You really have a gift.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
- I think so, too.
- Weird that they
never came back.
- They always dip
outta parties early.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, that's their thing.
- Their car still
is here though, so.
- Hmm.
So are you ready to go
back to civilization?
- In a minute.
This is nice.
- Yep, yep, yep.
It's sort of like
I'm always saying,
you know, my motto, you know?
Sometimes if you
want to get clean,
you gotta get real
fucking dirty first.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Tell you
what, maybe next time,
you guys can defeat the evil
hat and make up the motto.
Come up with all the one
liners yourself and--
- Yeah okay.
- Alright.
- Okay.
- And I will drink
cocoa and take mushrooms
and make out with each other.
- He's kind of a martyr.
- We said thank
you so many times.
- Yeah, we said so many times.
- All right,
it doesn't make sense.
But sometimes, Sam,
the best things in life
make no fucking sense.
- That is true.
- So true.
- There we go.
- Hit it on the head, Woody.
- Thanks.
- Hi there, yeah.
- Aw fuck.
Oh, thank God, yes.
Yes, hello.
Please help me, I
witnessed a murder.
I don't know where I am, I'm
in the-- I'm in the woods.
Yes, it was in the cabin.
It's evil.
I'm scared, I'm alone
and I'm running for my--
- Where's your sense
of adventure Sammy?
- I don't have a sense
of adventure, Woody.
This place gives me the creeps.
- It's
just your anxiety.
- I have social anxiety, Woody.
I'm supposed to be
comfortable when I'm alone.
- Aloha!
Namaste!
Who are you?
- Go on big guy, tell
her your name is Sam.
- Your name is Sam.
My name is Sam.
Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Diane, Carlos's best friend.
- Can come in?
- Yes, yes, of course.
- Wonderful.
- Yeah, we just got here.
- Oh, who's we?
- We, the royal we.
- Nice.
- And all the spirits.
This place is definitely
haunted, am I right?
- You know about the vortex?
- The what?
- This will be a
weekend of light
and love and oneness
and oregano oil, open.
- Yeah, it's a little much.
- Oh, yeah,
you're gonna use me
to wipe your wet lips.
Oh, God, yeah, oh...
- Wrong pipe
Oh, do it again,
do it again Sam.
Wipe her lips now.
- Woody.
- Woody?
- What do you, what do you,
what do you, what do you know?
I left my car unlocked and
I'm going to lock it up.
Because I don't want
any prowling mountain
folk to get it.
- I'm sure it's fine.
There's no one around for miles.
Thank you.
- Moon Goddess!
- Wolf Princess.
- Oh God.
I am so glad we're doing this.
So much healing.
- And like, so expected with
you both here and everything.
Honey.
- Name's Cliff.
- My husband.
- Sam.
- Sam, wow, that is such
a surprise to see you.
- Diane.
- Hey.
- Gonna get in, thank you.
- Okay, Diane,
could you just gimme
a quick hand with something?
- Of course, yeah.
Yay.
We'll be right back.
- We'll be back.
- Were you guys not expecting
other people to be here?
- Nope.
- What is that crazy
person doing here?
- Who?
Sam?
Oh, I just met him,
he seems great.
- No, Diane, he is not great.
You are literally the world's
most broken human thermometer.
That man is weird, scary weird.
Well Rebecca text-vited him.
- What?
Why did Rebecca
text-vite anyone?
This is supposed to
be a romantic weekend
for me and Cliff.
- You and Cliff hate each other.
- I know Diane.
That's why when
we go on vacation,
he gets to go ice fishing,
and I finally get
some alone time.
Jesus Christ, he's
terrible at packing.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.
Hold on.
How did Rebecca
get Sam's number?
- Well, she asked me for
it so I stole your phone,
and then I found Sam with three
really happy, excited,
exclamation points after it.
So, of course, I
assumed that was--
- No, that's Sam
with three terrified,
stay away exclamation points.
She meant my sister Samantha.
Oh God damn it.
I need a cigarette.
- I thought you quit.
- I did quit.
- That's why you're so cranky.
- I'm not cranky.
- Okay.
- I'm just a little irritable
because I'm on this medication
Intonix, to quit
smoking actually.
It causes all these
strange side effects,
like surrealistic nightmares,
hardening of the skull.
- What?
- Do you remember when I was
managing the IP paperwork
on the LACMA exhibit on 16th
century Romanian dinnerware?
- How could I forget?
- Okay, and I told you
about that guy who was like,
the world renowned expert
on antique tablecloths?
- I love vintage fabrics.
That's the guy
- Yeah, Diane, that's
the guy that brought
his own napkin that he
used to clean everything.
Everything.
- Maybe he was
just being helpful?
- No dude.
- In my monastery
service, is a core--
- No, I swear to God.
I saw him purposely spilling
things to clean them up.
You don't think that's weird?
Oh my God.
You're a shell of a man.
- You love it.
- Great.
Great, this is great.
- I'm seriously afraid
you're gonna kill Cliff.
- Diane.
- What?
- That is my business.
- Sh, sorry, I was
shushing you actually.
My wife Lilith is indisposed.
I'm Dr. Crane.
- I'm sorry.
I'm Sam, I work with Carla.
- Oh, how delightful,
I'm Cliff's brother.
Let me show you something.
- Vengeance will be ours.
- Can I put my luggage...?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You know women and their faces.
May I ask you, what do you
think of these paintings?
- They're a little
bit disturbing.
- Yes, and self-portraits.
- Beautiful.
I see it.
- Self-taught?
It's a common French expression.
- Does it mean yes?
- You're being too loud.
- I'm sorry.
- Let's get out of here.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.
Cliff's ridiculous
brother is here too?
- Clifford!
Come here.
Oh, okay.
- Rebecca said that she
wanted as many conscious minds
from the family as possible,
whatever that means.
She's so zany.
- Hey, babe.
So this is fucking great.
- Yeah.
- No romantic getaway
for the two of us.
But now the family gets to bond
and I get to go ice fishing.
Win-win, win.
- You are not ice fishing cliff.
- Why?
- Because you'll get drunk,
you won't catch any fish.
And then you'll be miserable
to be around all weekend.
So no fishing.
- Okay, so you're just gonna
have to let me go
fishing elsewhere.
I got one hot spot
that I want to try.
- Cliff.
- I'll just put it in and
just see what happens.
You know, I'm talking
about down there.
- I literally wanna
watch your entire body
just burn in slow
motion for eternity.
- I will forever be burning
in that icy hole of yours.
I'll melt it.
It's thick, but
I'll melt that shit.
- That's halfway to positive,
Cliff, that's halfway.
I thought you wanted
him to go fishing?
- It's our foreplay.
- We'll work on that.
- You know, Lilith,
my wife had her
reservations about coming here,
and I just said to them,
we are going to a cabin in
the mountains this weekend
if it kills us all.
- Why would it?
Why would it kill us all?
Well, this has been wonderful,
but I am gonna go
downstairs and kill myself.
- Great.
- Oh, Cliff.
- If you're going to
kill yourself downstairs,
please do so quietly,
because Lilith is,
she's trying to
rest for her head.
- Okay, got it, no shotgun.
I'll just use that furnace, so,
Carla, hear that my head will
be roasting in that
fucking furnace.
- I got it.
Make sure to light the
pilot light though, babe.
- My brother and his lively wit.
Excuse me, Clifford.
- Carla.
- What?
- Passive aggressive.
- It's aggressive aggressive.
- That's number two on the list.
We're gonna work on that,
so far it's all you.
I don't know what that's about.
- Is, if I may, is
Lilith, is Lilith,
is Lilith, does she
just have a headache?
- She's just got like a thing
with her head that we just,
it's better if we
don't talk about it.
- Dr. Crane was very protective.
- It's better if like, we
don't mention it at all.
- Have you ever heard
of the Roman god, Janus?
Rebecca!
Yay!
- Oh, you're here.
You guys are here.
- I know.
- Yeah, we all made it.
- Have you guys seen my
little brother Norm lately?
Not so little anymore.
- Fabulous.
- Growing up.
Big boy now.
- Hey, I'm Sam.
- Oh, oh, you're Sam.
Of course you're Sam.
Well, everybody's
here then, yay.
- Oh, oh, sorry.
- Allow me mademoiselle.
- It's miss.
- It's mister.
- Charmed.
- What a gentleman.
- Oh, Sam.
- Easy.
- Oh my guardian Angel.
I'm spasming.
- Woody.
- I'm spasming.
- Woody, Woody, Woody.
- Jesus, fucking
Christ, oh God, put it in.
Oh shit, I'm cumming.
- Stop it.
- You stop not putting
me in the fucking mess.
- Woody, woody, I
need you to calm down.
- I came.
- Do you feel out of sorts, Sam?
- Probably just
the mountain air.
- Yeah, ho!
- You know what
you need is a nice
hot cup of cocoa
and a good soak.
- I like it up here.
There's nobody around for miles.
- Yeah.
- Who the fuck is that?
- Oh, hi, y'all.
When I saw everyone
coming up the driveway,
I figured I might as
well be neighborly
and bake you some things.
- Wow, more baked goods.
- You made all that since we
got here like 20 minutes ago?
- Sure thing sweet pie.
It ain't nothing but some fried
up cookies and elbow grease.
Do y'all have any sugar?
I am plumb out.
- Yeah, definitely.
Okay.
- So nice to have Kelly here.
After what happened
to our last neighbor.
- It was, it was a hunting
accident, probably.
- Perhaps we should
go around the table
and introduce ourselves
to each other.
- That's a great idea.
- I'm Norm.
I live here with
my sister Rebecca,
and I work at the millinary.
- What's a millinary?
- A millinary is a
store that makes,
designs, trims
and or sells hats.
- Wow, you are just
full of surprises.
- You have no idea.
- I thought that a
milliner was someone
who sold buttons and
ribbons and things.
- That's a haberdasher.
- I thought a haberdasher
sold cloth and fabric.
- That is a draper.
Unless of course you're
talking about silks and linens,
in which case the word
you're looking for,
my good man, is a mercer.
- Hatmaking is a very
important part of our faith.
- Is that the Church
of Latter Day Saints?
- No.
- Oh, we're, we're not Mormons.
- We should be
very clear about this.
- We are
definitely not Mormons.
- Wow guys, this is
getting weird as balls.
I found moose mushrooms
on my way up here.
- Mooseshrooms.
- What are moose mushrooms?
- They are a rare and
sacred healing fungus
whose purple cap
sprout every nine years
atop certain remote
rocky mountain peaks.
- Well, bless your heart, that
sounds gosh darn fascinatin'.
- It is--
- But you know, I am
really quite interested
to hear more from Norm and
this very suspicious story
about the Mormons and the hats.
- Sorry, this is becoming
such a big deal, you guys.
It's really not.
Oh, I'm such a klutz.
I'll get it, hang on.
- Carla, have you
had a chance to...
- I'll get it, hang on.
- work with Jacob
Feinstein again?
- Norm, what are you doing?
You're gonna give too much away.
- Sister, it is fine.
- It's too early for them
to know who you really are.
- Tomorrow we will
make our sacrifice
and we will be
rewarded handsomely.
- What the fuck?
- Got it.
- What did you say
that you did again?
- Real estate.
- Real estate.
- Sammy, I got a real
bad feeling about these freaks.
I was wrong, okay?
I know I told you to come here.
I know I told you to open up
your horizons or whatever,
but this is not the time, okay?
- And you live nearby?
- Sammy?
- What has gotten into you?
- I mean it, we gotta
split pea soup, or end up--
- Stop it.
Excuse me.
- The heartland.
- Yeah.
- Where is that,
I'm not familiar?
- Salt Of The Earth.
- Salt Of The Earth, is that
like near Salt Lake, or?
- Blah bathroom, black,
black, black, black bathroom.
Woody, what is going on?
- Sammy, you've
gotta trust me on this, okay.
It ain't easy to explain.
- I don't understand Woody.
- I've been working
for years, years
on my anxiety in these
sorts of group gatherings.
And now I finally
put myself out there
and it's going pretty good.
And you wanna sabotage it
because some people
are a little strange?
Woody, take a good look at us.
Who are we to cast stones
at people who are
a little strange?
- We are in
real danger here Sam.
- Are you jealous?
- What?
- You're jealous.
These people actually like me.
But you don't care about that
because you just wish we'd gone
to a place with sloppier messes.
- Sam, you know me
better than that.
- Oh, I know you well, Woody.
I know that every time there's
a hot dog eating contest
or a chili cook off, or
a grape stomping party,
or literally anything
involving chicken wings,
you encourage me to
go out because you say
it'll be good for me to
be around other people.
Well, guess what?
I'm around other people
right now and I'm killing it.
I am absolutely crushing it.
- so he is crazy, that's crazy.
You owe me five bucks, bro.
- No
sometimes, you know.
- I do not have it.
- I think people sometimes
just need time to themselves.
- Yeah, crazy people.
- Yeah.
- Carla, why don't you
introduce yourself next?
- Well, sure.
I'm Carla, as you
all very well know.
- I hear you're
in arts financing.
- Yep, you know that to be true.
- Do you enjoy it?
- Nope, not particularly.
- Aw.
- Every time you've
offered me empathy, advice,
it's like you were
just looking out
for yourself the whole time.
- I have a weakness
for gigantic messes.
But this isn't like that, Sam,
I swear to God this isn't that.
- Oh no, then what
is it like, Woody?
- Listen Sam,
some things are just
too difficult for me to explain.
- If you're gonna be like this.
I just can't.
- Sammy, come on.
You know it makes me
uncomfortable when you cry.
- I'm not crying, even.
- You know
that that makes me
wanna wipe your tears
up with my body.
- Yeah.
- And you know
that turns me on, okay.
- I'm sorry.
- But I also have
empathy for your sadness.
And I don't know
what to do with that.
It's very confusing, bud.
- I'm not trying to
be sexy, I'm sad.
- You're really
fucking sexy Sam.
- Maybe we should spend
a little time apart.
- No, Sam.
Come on, you can't just leave me
in this weird black bathroom.
Oh, Sam, let me uppy Sammy.
Uppy?
Uppy Sam.
I wanna go up, buddy.
Sam, what are you
doing, come on.
Put me in the pock-pock Sam.
Put me in the pocky, Sam.
- No pock-pock.
- Sammy pick me up
and put me in your pocky.
This is about that
girl, isn't it?
- What if it is, Woody?
What if it is?
- I have two PhDs
and the first one
is in medieval,
Francophone, hagiography
from Cornell University,
which is in upstate New York.
It's also very cold there.
And so I'm comfortable in
this snowy mountain weather.
- So many PhDs.
- Now I am a
landscape portraitist.
- Wow, that's cool.
- Right, that
doesn't even exist.
He's a bartender, that's all.
- At a wine bar.
- He doesn't even make drinks.
- That's classy.
- So classy. I like
wine, I love wine.
- Most of the great
masters did have day jobs
before they became known
as painters, Clifford.
- Not at your age,
I don't think.
- At least I'm doing
something with my life.
How's that beer going for you?
- Oh.
- If you really wanna delve
up in your creative center,
I'll give you some of
them moose mushrooms.
You'll be painting with colors
you didn't even
know existed, bro.
Just painting with
your Aquarius.
- Museshrooms, eh?
- Well, I am always open to
learning about new colors.
- Oh, it's
gonna be so fun.
- May I just say, what a beauty
that is sitting
right in front of me.
- Oh, thank you.
Wow, oh, wow.
- Yes.
I'm speaking of course
about your scarf.
- Speaking about her scarf?
- No, I mean.
- No, no, no, it's fine.
I, I thank you, my
grandmother gave it to me.
- Was she Polish?
- Wow, how, that's, how
did you, that's amazing.
- That's from
Turlington's of Warsaw.
- Wow.
- You're a magician.
- No.
- Round of applause.
- Wow.
- May I?
- Of course.
- Yes, I know
Turlington's quite well.
What a specimen.
- How do you know so much about
textiles and fabrics
and haberdashery?
- Yeah.
- Well, my parents were always
very fastidious with
their cleanliness.
They tried to instill
some of that in me.
Of course, this was
all before the great--
Oh!
Oh I'm so sorry.
Oh my goodness.
- It's fine.
- So sorry, no, no, no.
This is fine Polish silk.
Do you have any
hydrogen peroxide?
- Oh, yeah, it's under the sink.
- So, so sorry.
- Yeah, I'm feeling kinda
shitty keeping that five bucks.
- Thanks, you really
don't have to do that.
- Oh, yes I do, yes I do.
Yeah, it's, I care
deeply about fabric.
- No one's ever taken such
good care of my things.
- Hawkeye to Mama Nest,
come in Mama Nest.
No sign of the target yet
but I'm zeroing in
on suspect Alpha.
My cover is intact and I've been
accepted as a local
mountain folk.
This birdie will
sing again at 0700.
You're nailing it, Kelly.
- Stop it.
You stop.
- Hey, look
at Mrs. Drinks-All-Day
popping pills on the toilet.
Jesus, everybody
here's a fucking mess.
- I can hear you, Cliff.
Fucking asshole.
- Well that was weird.
- What?
- Nothing?
- What the fuck?
- Hello,
can you hear me?
- Who the fuck is me?
- On the towel
rack toots, over here.
I'm the napkin.
- Oh shit, fucking Intonix.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, this is all
in your head, Carla.
Deep breath.
Oh God, I really need to
stop mixing pills and booze.
Later.
- I'm not a
cigarette addiction
medication hallucination lady.
My name is Woody.
- What kind of name
is that for a napkin?
- Sam named me.
Look, you gotta help
me, okay, please.
- Holy shit, you're that thing
he was using to
clean everything.
- Yeah, but I need
your help, okay?
Can you just not get distracted?
We're in danger here.
- I am fucking losing
it, Jesus Christ Carla.
Get your shit together,
get your shit together.
- Wait, I can prove it.
I'm not, I'm not
in your head okay?
I'll tell you something that,
that you could never
know otherwise.
- Holy shit.
I'm, I'm fucking losing it.
I am a crazy person, I'm
the craziest person here.
How did that happen?
Diane's here.
- Ask Sam
about the night
his father took him
to the old pond.
Tell him the moon that night
was the color of blood.
The color of blood, okay?
Please just do it.
Please!
The color of blood!
Hey, where are you
taking me lady?
- It just seems like
Lilith is suffering
from something
more than migraines
because both Carla and Diane
seemed very uncomfortable
when I asked.
- I don't care.
Hey, are you going to bed?
You need a little spin cycle
after that dryer's
done of our own?
A little spin?
- No.
- Aw, shit.
- God no.
- There's an extra bed up
here if anyone's interested.
Norm and I only need one.
We're from big
family, so, you know.
Okay.
- Doing a little spying?
- Sh!
- We must go see
what she has buried.
- No.
- Oh, yes, oui,
very much right now
because of the
snowing and there's--
- No, no.
- We have to do it now
or we'll never find
whatever she buried.
- You're very charming, you
can't charm me into this one.
- Get your coat.
Sam, get your coat.
Sam!
Sam, come here, the burial.
- What is it?
- Not what, Sam.
Whom.
- Is it a body?
Did she kill someone?
Who would, why would
she kill someone?
Who would she have killed?
It's a body, isn't it?
Oh my God.
- Indeed, it is a
what and not a whom.
- What?
Is that a pantsuit?
Oh, thank God.
- No, Sam, this is worse.
This is much worse.
- Worse than if
it were dead body?
- Sam,
this is a Givenchy
skirtsuit, Sam.
Definitely last season.
You can tell from the cut
and look at these buttons.
Kelly is an imposter,
Sam, an imposter.
Oh, what fools these mortals be.
- You gather all this
from a buried pantsuit?
- Not a pantsuit Sam.
A Givenchy skirtsuit
Nouvelle Boutique.
It is a very chic designer.
This belongs not
in these mountains,
but on the runways of gay Paris.
Who is Kelly really?
Why would she be wearing this?
Why did she come here?
She said she was in real estate.
This is too fine
even for real estate.
Whence comes she to
here wearing this
for us and hides it so that
we don't know what it is, Sam?
It doesn't make any sense.
And is it not also suspicious
that she baked a
bunch of cookies
Or at least she said she did,
but they were store bought.
- I thought so.
- We must away.
- Okay, this way.
- Good, I was just thinking
it was too quiet around here.
- You see her?
- After you.
- After you.
- I insist.
- I insist.
- I insist.
- You.
- Carla, Carla, Carla.
I'm sorry, beg your pardon,
but I think we must,
absolutely must assemble a
cabin meeting with everyone.
- Where are the others?
- Cliff and Diana are out
in the forest being idiots.
And Rebecca and Norm took the
car into town to get supplies.
They said something about
the nightmare storm or
the storm of all ages.
I don't know, I wasn't
really listening.
- We have to talk about Kelly.
- It's her, quick,
hide the Givenchy.
- Hey, it's about time.
Hi sweetheart, what's your name?
Oh, oh yeah, big one.
- I'll get Lilith.
Let's get out of here.
- Hey y'all.
I heard there's
a storm a brewing
so I spent the morning baking.
- That is to say, all you
did this morning was bake?
- Heck yeah.
What else would I be doing?
Good thing too, power just
crapped out at my place.
- Electromagnetism.
- Just the beginning
of the storm.
- ...morning of the
second coming, will return.
And so does this blizzard
portend Him coming.
- And we got Chex Mix!
- Let me
help you with that.
- Carla, Carla, I think,
I think we should,
I think we should collect
Cliff and Diane right away.
- What, why? They're fine.
- There's a blizzard coming in.
- Yeah, they're
probably safer out there
than we are in here
with these freaks.
- That's the thing,
it's about Kelly.
Dr. Crane and I saw--
- Okay, I don't wanna
talk about Dr. Crane.
You know he's not a
real doctor, right?
- Sure he is.
Hagiography is a real thing.
- It's not a thing.
- Carla, I need you
to listen to me, okay.
Dr. Crane--
- Sam, you need to listen to me.
You don't even
know these people.
You are not even
supposed to be here.
It's just that Rebecca
texted the wrong Sam
in my phone like
a fucking idiot.
Okay.
- I see.
- I'm sorry.
That was, that came out wrong.
I'm just like, I'm on
these pills and I'm.
- Makes sense.
That's on me.
I, I should have double checked
that it was the right Sam.
- No, it's, that would
be really dumb to do.
- When I got the text.
Stupid.
- You're not, it's.
- Oh God.
- Okay, it's fine.
- No, it's just, it's.
- You're fine.
- It's just my
father said something
very similar to me the last day
that I saw him ever
in my life. So.
He said, you shouldn't
even be here.
- Dude, I'm kind
of trying to read.
- We had gone out fishing.
He hadn't wanted to bring
me, but mother insisted.
We were out on the lake.
He'd spent the whole day
drinking, not catching anything.
Night fell and the moon came out
and he said, look at
the blood moon son.
That's the color of
your mother's eyes.
- What did you just say?
- And that's the last
thing he ever said to me.
- Oh my God.
- We rowed back to shore,
trudged up to the cabin
in complete silence.
And then the next
day he was gone.
The only thing he left behind
for me to remember him
by was his handkerchief.
Like a little tropical
print flag of surrender.
- Woody.
- What?
What did you?
- Woody, that's your,
your napkin's name, right?
- How did you know that?
- He told me.
- You can hear him too?
- I guess.
- Oh my God, I always
thought I was crazy.
- Yeah, me too.
I, I can't believe I'm about
to say this to you right now,
but I, I don't
think you're crazy.
- Thank you.
- Unless we're just both crazy.
- No, the first one.
- I don't know, we are
talking to napkins.
- Shut up.
Oh my God.
- What?
- Woody, he tried to warn me.
- What do you mean?
- He said that we're
in danger here.
- Danger, what kind of danger?
- I don't know.
But I think we
should collect him
and get Cliff and Diana
and get outta here.
- It looks like we made
it back just in time.
- God damn, it is thick.
Fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah.
What?
Oh, ice shack baby!
You want me to put you on?
I could do that.
Thanks for the beer, Mr. Hat.
- Wow, it's really
blowing out there.
Looks like we're gonna
have to hunker down,
I wonder how we're
gonna pass the time.
What about charades?
- Or who wants to decorate
Christmas cookies?
- How are you doing that?
- Where do they even come from?
- I made these from scratch.
Got this cute little
Christmas sweater.
We can all make some cute
little Christmas sweaters.
I mean, look at this,
this one has a happy face.
Happy little Christmas sweaters.
- I'm sure that the
storm will pass soon.
- And why would you
think that Norm?
- The only way we can
fulfill our ritual.
- Your ritual.
- Your what?
- I thought this weekend
was about Carla's marriage.
- Oh, it is, it was.
I mean, you know, but
this is really just,
what he means by ritual is uh,
we were all gonna get
together in a little
circle outside maybe,
and with like a little bit
of salt and a star in there,
but, or heart, you
know, whatever.
It's loving, it's
a loving thing.
- It's ritual.
- We could eat the
cookies, it would be great.
But now the storm is happening.
So I think you'd
be really surprised
at how good Norm is at charades.
- We need an even
number of people anyway.
- For charades, yes, exactly.
Doesn't that sound lovely?
I'm gonna go get
Dr. Crane. You guys.
- I'm gonna go check
on the laundry.
- Yeah, I'll come with you.
Let's do that.
- Holy fucking
shit, thank God.
It's about time.
- Woody, I am so sorry.
- That's okay
Sammy, I forgive you.
Look, don't take
this the wrong way,
but I still think we
gotta get outta here.
- I am right there
with you, buddy.
Yeah.
- Hey, you brought
Amy Smart over here.
- Yeah, hey.
- It seems she
can also hear you.
- Yeah, sorry.
I thought you were one of my
cigarette medication
addiction hallucinations.
- Eh, no sweat toots.
Or, better yet, why don't
you sweat a little bit
and let me wipe your brow
with my body because
I'm a napkin.
- What do you fellas say
we get outta here before
shit gets any weirder?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
- Speaking of weird,
Lilith, Dr. Crane's wife.
- Yeah.
- I never ended up seeing her.
Is she okay?
- That's okay, yeah she's--
- Yeah, that is strange.
- Yeah, she's, she's fine.
- Tell her, tell her I said hi.
- Holy shit.
- I'm so sorry, I didn't
mean to alarm anyone.
- Check the body.
- It's okay.
We can play charades
with odd numbers, right?
- No pulse.
He's dead.
- No, he's just a little
stiff, that's all.
I know in this altitude
sometimes I don't sleep well
and, and my shoulder
gets a little crink in it
and gets kind of frozen,
you know what I mean?
And sometimes I can just sort of
walk around like this and
then I can't really move.
And sometimes I do end up
laying, you know, on the ground.
Right? That's a yoga move.
Savasana? Yavasana? Savasana,
I was right the first time.
That's what it is.
This is the most
powerful yoga move.
I don't know if you know that.
I do that, I do
that yoga, I do it.
I do it every day.
It really relaxes me.
Really all he needs
is just a nice cup
of hot cocoa and a
really good soak.
- We've all got to remain calm.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Who could have done
something like this?
- Lilith.
- That's Lilith?
- Yeah.
- She's, she's,
she's very beautiful.
- She's aight.
- What is?
What?
No!
No!
No!
- The way you were talking
about her made me think
she was like, hideously
deformed or something.
- Oh, well wait for it.
- Wake up, wake up!
Who will study the saints
of the Old France now?!
- There it is.
- Two heads.
You could've said--
- Well, one head, two faces.
- You could've said that.
- It's hard to explain.
- It's not hard to
explain, she has two faces.
You could've said
she has two faces.
- You would've asked
a lot of questions.
- You were saying
she has uh, uh.
- It's just!
- Who did this?
Who killed my doctor?
Which one of you
bastards did this?
- What?
You just did it to--
But you just--
- Her husband just died!
- I thought we were slapping
people to keep them calm!
- That doesn't even make sense!
- We have got to
stop slapping people!
- You started it.
- Oh wake up, please wake up!
- So this is sad.
- What about wild animals?
- There's nothing
coming out in this.
You didn't kill 'em,
did you see Sam?
- What?
No.
- Yeah, you don't
strike me as the type.
Who do you think did it?
- I don't know.
I sure wish Cliff and
Diane would come back.
- I'm sure they're doing
everything in their power
to get back here in one piece.
- Yeah.
Should we say something?
- Oh shit.
Excuse me, sorry.
Excuse me.
If I could just get a hand.
I will not let myself freeze
to death in this beautiful
and majestic, but
deadly and icy tundra.
There's a stray branch
in between my thighs.
Do it like a mama gorilla,
do it like a mama gorilla.
Oh wonderous, cruel nature.
- It's a fairy castle.
It's a fairy castle on the ice.
It's Neuschwanstein.
Thank you Goddess!
I'm coming for you
Neuschwanstein!
I hope they make me their queen.
Oh yes, thank you.
Cliff?
What are you doing
in Neuschwanstein?
- What?
- Tiny Bavarian chair.
- Get
comfortable, Diane, for
soon you will be mine.
- Excuse me?
You are married to
my best friend, sir.
- Did you eat some
of those mushrooms?
- Is it that obvious
I'm tripping?
- Hearing shit?
- You are hearing shit.
You're hearing me!
The moose mushrooms
expanded your mind.
Soon all of your
minds will be opened.
And then I will feed on your
souls and assume my true form!
- Earth to Diane.
You, you, you here?
- Trying to make
plans to eat people's brains.
And I need the
souls to do it too.
- Hey, you with me?
Diane!
- Cliff.
- You'd better eat some moose
mushrooms too, my brother,
because there is
some weird ass shit
you gotta see with
this fucking hat.
- Every single one
of you had both
the motive and the opportunity.
- How do you mean?
- Well, Diane and Cliff
are suspiciously absent.
- Clifford was very
jealous of his brother.
He was smarter, more successful,
and had a bigger bottom.
- Okay, for sake, Lilith,
your husband was a lazy fraud
who spent a decade in school
to avoid getting a real job.
I mean, medieval hagiography
is not even a real thing.
He's a fucking asshole,
you're a fucking asshole.
You all suck and Cliff is twice
the man Dr. Crane is, or was.
- Carla.
- What?
- The women just
lost her husband.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- Hey guys, why
are we not pointing fingers
at the freaky cult
twins over here?
- What about our hosts?
- There you go.
- Norm and Rebecca, you
two have been suspiciously
up to something
this whole weekend.
- Yeah, clearly this weekend
is not about me and Cliff.
- Okay, our ways are
strange, for sure.
I will give you that.
But we would never
kill any of you.
- I heard 'em, Sam.
I heard 'em talking
about a sacrifice, buddy.
- I overheard them
talking about a sacrifice.
- What we meant was a
sacrifice of your time.
- Yes.
- You know, you all came here
and we're hanging out, you know.
Jamming about hats, talking
about 'em, learning about them.
- Hats.
- That's what this was for
and we're doing it right now.
It's that.
- Yes.
- What we meant.
- People, we have got to stop
pointing fingers at one another.
- I have something else to say.
Kelly is not who
she claims to be!
- Oh, come on.
- Dr. Crane and I saw
her early this morning
burying something
out in the tundra.
We became suspicious and
we went and we dug it up.
We found buried there a
torn Givenchy skirtsuit.
- Torn?
- Oh my God!
What's that?
- A very chic designer.
- Where is it?
- In the dryer.
Right here.
- It's gorgeous.
- Kelly came over right after
we found the Givenchy.
So Dr. Crane hid
it in the dryer.
Kelly must have seen
him at some point,
and so she killed him.
- Oh my God.
- I fucked the
shit out of that thing.
I'll tell you, she's--
- And I found some sort of
high tech gizmo of hers.
- What?
- Where's that?
- Downstairs.
It fell out of her pocket
when we were slapping
each other and,
and all that.
- Kelly, is this yours?
- Yes but, but I didn't do it.
- Oh, Kelly, stop
being so two-faced.
Lilith, I am so sorry.
It was so literal.
And it, I.
- Sh, it's fine.
I don't think that
we should wait
for this woman to
trick us anymore
with her Givenchy-wearing
Let's tie her up.
- I don't know what that
means, but I'm with Lilith.
This bitch has got to go.
- Kelly, I love you like a
neighbor, but killing Dr. Crane,
that was just, that was
not neighborly at all.
- Guys, do not turn
this into a witch hunt.
You have no idea what's
really happening.
- A power outage.
- It always
comes right back on.
- What's that sound?
- The stars are
ageless, aren't they?
- This isn't what it looks like.
- Kelly!
Stop killing people.
- I didn't do it.
- Okay, I think if we all work
together, we can take her.
- Okay.
Get her!
- Oh my God my face.
- My face hurts so much.
- My face.
- My whole face hurts.
- Stomach, it's
like an ab workout.
- Wow.
These mooseshrooms
are really something.
- How long have we been
laughing for right now?
- Can you believe that
your and Carla's wedding
was five years ago?
- Been married to
Carla for five years.
- Oh no.
- That's, that's over 1500.
- Cliff, Cliff.
- What?
- Cliff, Cliff.
- Fucking grind.
- Cliff, my man, listen, listen.
I'm gonna save your marriage.
I've got a certificate.
From the Topanga
Women's Ayahuasca Troop.
- TWAT?
- The Topanga Women's
Ayahuasca Troop.
- Oh, I heard you.
- Whole troop of
people doing good work.
- Okay, listen.
- I'm, I'm listening.
- Okay, check it,
check it, check it.
- What's up?
- It's the Topanga
Women's Ayahuasca Troop.
- Yeah, Topanga Women
Ayahuasca Troop.
- TWAT.
- It spells TWAT!
I was wondering why everybody
was going around
calling everybody twats.
No way, man!
- Hey, where'd,
where'd that guy go?
- What guy?
- That hat.
- What hat? Oh, Harry?
- Yeah.
- That guy?
- Yeah.
- That guy left weeks ago.
- What?
- Yeah, remember he
said he was gonna,
he was going to, he was
gonna eat the souls of
our comrades, remember that?
- Geez.
- Yeah, I know, something
about how he's an alien
trapped in the form of a hat.
How, initially he thought
the easiest way out
would be to convince those weird
culty twins that he
was their Messiah.
So that they would
sacrifice themselves and us
so he could use their bodies
as vessels to take human form.
They really screwed the
pooch on that front,
so now he's just gonna try to
suck everyone's souls out
through the top of their heads.
Because he derives sick
pleasure from our suffering.
I wasn't really listening, man.
You know, like, I'm so in
and out most of the time.
Like, am I just a bad listener?
- No, no, no.
That guy was just so much.
- Too much, right?
- Too much.
- He's like, just like
cllate la boca! bruh
- It's enough, it's enough.
Shrill.
- Too much.
- You think my marriage
really needs saving?
- I think that you and
Carla truly love each other,
but you're both deeply afraid
to be present in that love.
- What?
- You and Carla are
perfect complements,
but you need to be open
to your true selves.
- So like, no more
joshing each other
about killing each other
in very creative ways?
- Yeah, no.
Where is all that anger
coming from Cliff?
- My selfishness?
- Wow.
That is heavy.
Go on.
- When we first got together,
all I cared about was her.
I wanted to take care of her.
After a couple
years of marriage,
we stopped being
on the same team.
Now it's just about what
I can get away with,
what I can take from her.
- Wow, yeah.
- I just wanna get mine
and she wants to get hers.
Somewhere, it all just turned
into a business transaction.
- Just so you know, we're
gonna have to wrap this up.
We're actually out of time.
- You know when it changed?
When she quit musical theater
and got a corporate job.
What's funny is I encouraged
her to make that decision.
I wanted her to feel like an
independent, successful woman.
But she's a terrible
nine to fiver.
It's not Carla.
She was really great at
being an unemployed actress.
- I bet.
- Whoa.
- If we can just, we
can just, wrap it on up.
- Okay.
I'm just.
- Bundle those feelings
up 'til next week, okay?
- I'm, I'm just.
- Bow this for the week,
next week, we'll really
delve back in, okay?
I think we've had some really
good progress here today though.
Yeah.
Some really good
progress here today.
- I think I like what's
happening with these hands.
- Like this hand
movement, me too, me too.
- My problem is, though,
all this cool, like soul
searching we've been doing?
I can't, I, I don't
know how to fix it.
- Tell her, forget all
these delicious cans
of cold brewskies and your
fishing poles and your trout,
and let's go save your marriage.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- You on board?
- Yeah!
- I'm on board!
- There is no time to
waste your majesty.
Get your coat.
- Oh, it's cold.
- Cliff, grab onto
my wolf afghan.
- Why did we leave?
- I don't know.
- We gotta go back.
- No, we've come too far.
It's all for love, Cliff.
- No.
- It's all for love.
- Carla!
Oh shit.
- I can explain everything.
I didn't kill anyone,
but I know who did.
- I don't believe her.
- Me neither.
- I can't tell.
- As you may have surmised,
I am not who I said I am.
That much is true.
- Yeah, it's obvious.
- I am a secret agent.
I work for a covert
government group
akin to what you all
know as the Men in Black.
- Like the movie?
- Ah fuck.
- We handle top secret
paranormal investigations.
And I am part of a
task force that deals
with potentially malicious
extraterrestrial entities.
- But Kelly, you're
our neighbor.
- I was assigned here
to keep an eye on Norm.
- My Norm?
Normy Norm, the Norminator?
What do you have
against Mr. Nomnom?
- We have reason to believe
that the hat Norm
communicates with,
the one you believe to be the
second coming of your God,
is actually an
extra-dimensional alien
trying to materialize
in our universe.
- What, that's impossible.
- Okay, but if you didn't
kill the Cranes, then who did?
- The evil alien life force
that Norm communicates
with, Harry the Hat.
But don't worry, if
you just untie me,
I can get this
situation under control.
- Not gonna
let that happen, hiya!
Ooh suction engaged.
I'm a-chopping, nom, nom, nom.
Num, num, num, num, num.
It tastes so good!
Num, num, num, num, num.
- Harry, come here!
- Told you I didn't do it.
- And a
flawless dismount.
- Oh Norm!
Mr. Nomnom!
My little Normweigian Wood!
- We should go.
- We should.
- We should go.
- You're
not going anywhere!
Oh yeah, you gotta run
a little, juke juke?!
A little bob and weave,
you might even escape!
- Jesus.
- My little Garden Norm.
- Where do you
think you're going?
Coming for your ankles.
- You can do this, Norm Chomsky.
- What about this door?
But you can't get outta
here because I'm in the way!
Hiya, hiya!
- I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming to you!
- Run!
- How's your
soul sweetheart?
Can I get a little sucky sucky?
Oh yeah, go into the
room with no exit.
I got you, suckers!
- Was that a fucking flying hat?
- That was a fucking flying hat!
- Oh my God.
- Woody, did you know
about that flying hat?
Hmm?
- This
ain't easy, Sammy.
Listen, I know deep down,
you've always believed
I was a part of you.
- Yeah.
- And you've
been like a son to me.
- And you've been like a
father and a lover to me.
- Okay, guys, this is really
fucking touching and everything,
but could someone please
explain what's going on?
Please?
- Give us a minute.
- What I'm trying
to say is, I'm an alien.
- From like a whole
planet of handkerchiefs?
- What?
No, Sam, that's
the most ridiculous
shit I ever fucking heard.
I'm from the ninth dimension.
Beyond space, beyond time,
beyond what humans
can comprehend.
When you humans look
out into the cosmos,
you see chains of galaxies.
When you look into your
own fucking brains,
you see chains of neurons.
You are shackled
by these chains.
These are the limits
of human consciousness.
Where I come from, everything
is about cosmic order.
And your world is filled
with delicious chaos.
- That's why you love
to clean up messes.
- Exactly.
The first couple of
dimensions for me,
that's like like my baser
desires, you know what I mean?
- I hear them coming.
I'm definitely gonna need
a brush-up on this later,
but for now can we
just not get cut
into little fucking
pieces by a goddamn hat?
- Yeah, we need to find
Cliff and Diane too.
- Look, Sam, I get where
you're coming from.
I really do.
I'm really sorry
to tell you this,
but they're probably
dead by now.
You know, frozen
out that blizzard,
but we have to help
ourselves, you know.
We should get back
to civilization.
We'll have a nice double
funeral for them, you know?
We'll get one of
those big sandwiches
and we'll play Blackbird
we'll light candles.
- No, no, no!
- Why?
- We can't just leave them.
- What else do you wanna do?
I'm just being realistic, fuck.
- Sam's right, Carla.
- What?
- We need more
human consciousnesses
to fight off Harry the hat.
- What the fuck does that mean?
- Harry wants to be
summoned into this world.
That's the ritual those creepy
fucking twins we're
talking about.
- Fucking Rebecca, I knew it.
- But then
there was the storm
and everybody split
up and got high
and the plan didn't work out.
So he started just
killing people.
That's kind of what he does.
He tends to jump right
into killing people.
- Great.
- Bastard.
- He's half in
the world already.
For him to fully enter,
he needs this circle of
human minds to bring him in.
You need like three, four
good minds, probably.
- Well, they, they only
have Norm and Rebecca,
and that's, that's just two so.
- Well, and that's
why they're after us.
We need to act fast.
- We could
banish him entirely
using our own mental cosmic web
if we had two minds that were
cosmically bonded together,
like soulmates, but.
I'm just, I'm
looking at you two,
and I don't think
your soulmates.
- Oh no, definitely not.
He's off-putting and strange
and smells like shoes.
- Okay.
Was that really necessary?
- Oh grow a dick.
- Oh.
- Carla, this entire weekend,
you've been nothing
but unmitigatedly cruel
to the people in this world
who love you the most.
- Excuse me?
- You have an
amazing best friend.
A wonderful family,
a husband who's endearing
in, in his own way.
And you cut them all down
every chance you get.
- No I don't.
- I have been nothing but polite
and kind to you this whole time,
even though I was invited
here under false pretense.
- Oh, that's not--
- We all came here for you!
And now at least
three people are dead.
And then you still feel entitled
to insult me to my face.
How do you go through
life like this?
What is wrong with you?
- I don't, I don't know.
I'm just going
through a hard time.
I don't know.
I don't mean to act that way.
- This window is
still frozen shut
and we are buried
under a pile of snow!
- Muchachos, look who
you're talking to here.
Sammy, have you ever seen a
mess that I couldn't clean up?
- No, but Woody, this is
hardly the time for that.
- Sam, a pile of snow is a mess.
And I like messes.
And that's why I
came to this planet,
to wipe up messes with my body.
- All right.
- Use me to clean, Sam.
- Use him to clean, Sam.
Shit!
Oh my God.
- You gotta hurry, you
gotta fucking hurry.
You've gotta do it
a little bit faster.
No, faster, faster
than that, oh my God.
Holy shit, Sam, I
don't wanna die.
You gotta go faster, I know
this is a big moment for you,
but you've gotta go faster.
I'm sorry I was mean to you.
I'm sorry I told you you smell.
- It's working.
- Oh shit.
- I see, daylight!
- You get it?
Oh shit, oh shit.
- Grab the coats!
- Okay.
Here, Sam!
- All right.
- Let me in.
- Okay, okay.
- We could
have been friends.
We could be friends.
I just wanna be friends.
- That's it,
we're gonna make it,
we're gonna make
it, you've got it!
I got ya, oh fuck.
Jesus Christ.
- Come on.
Which way did
Cliff and Diane go?
- I don't
know, I don't know.
That way, that way.
- Okay.
Come on.
Come on, get up.
- I can't
- Get up, yes you can.
- I can't.
- You wanna be killed by a hat?
- I guess.
- You wanna freeze to death--
- Yeah.
- Just because you're
running from a hat?
Come on, Cliff is
out there somewhere.
We gotta find him.
Remember how much you love him?
Kind of.
You got this weird
sadomasochistic thing going on
and it works for you.
- This is a terrible
vacation, Sam.
- I know, I know, it's terrible.
Come on, if we stick together.
If we stick together, I
think we can defeat this guy.
All we have to do is make sure.
- I don't see him.
- Maybe we stay back to back.
- I don't think so.
- Oh my God!
Carla!
Carla!
- Oh shit.
Sam?
Woody?
Cliff?
Cliff, I'm sorry!
Sam?
- Ha, surprise!
Om, nom, nom, nom!
Your soul is so delicious!
Oh yeah, fall down gently.
Ya good soul!
Oh it's been a while
and it tastes even
better than I thought!
- Where'd she go, Carla!
- I'm freezing
my balls off, Sammy.
- Surprise!
You're not going anywhere.
Witness and reveal!
Oh, yeah, try for the
left, now I'm in the left.
Try for the right,
I'm on your right!
I'm gonna get your brain!
Ow, fuck.
- Carla.
Carla, I have such
a story to tell you.
Oh my God, I have had the
adventure of a lifetime
and things are
gonna be different.
Trust me, things
will be different.
Oh my God.
What are you doing out here?
What are you doing,
playing dead or something?
Oh, okay.
This is because I
called you lazy.
I get it, I get it.
Okay, sorry I called you lazy.
I'm sorry, I think I'm
just sorry, you know?
Hey, come on, let's go inside.
It's gonna be a good time.
I got so much to tell
you around the fire.
This, hey.
Hey.
Carla?
What are you doing out
here, what's all this?
What is this, like snow cones?
You're crazy.
What is this, like
cherry or strawberry?
That's not.
Carla?
Carla?
Oh fuck.
Oh my, oh my God.
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, I, I.
Okay, uh, oh fuck.
- Grand entrance.
Well, you certainly look cozy.
- Is that a problem?
- Oh, no, no, no.
Don't let me intrude
on your hot cocoa sesh
and your nappy time.
Certainly more fun than taking
out this group of recruits
to the anointed spot and
sacrificing them in a circle.
- I can hardly be held
accountable for the weather.
- I was supposed
to be the Uber-Hut.
- You just started
killing everyone.
I, I tried to stop you.
That wasn't the plan, Harry.
You always jump to
killing people so soon.
- I have a better idea.
- You're weak Norm
and I'm outtie.
Watch me fly!
Intermixing
consciousness'es'es'es!
- Sister.
How could you?
- Well done Rebecca.
- Sam!
Oh gosh, Sam!
Yes.
Oh gosh.
Oh, oh, oh no.
Oh God, I'm down.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I've never been so happy to
see anyone in my whole life.
- Diane, it is so
good to see you.
- Oh, great.
Yeah, everybody's alive, great.
- Yeah, of course I'm alive.
Although I am very lost.
- You can hear him too.
- Who?
- Me, I'm the napkin.
- Oh my grass, your
handkerchief is talking.
- The name's Woody.
Nice to meet you.
But save your
lovey-dovey reunion stuff
for if we get outta
here with our stitching,
and whatever you call
'em, heads, respectively.
- Have to admit, a little
confused about what's going on.
- The situation
back at the cabin
has really, really,
really deteriorated.
Rather horrifically.
We're in grave danger.
- Oh no.
- Oh yeah.
- Okay.
- We have to go
back to the cabin
and we have to make our final
stand against Harry the hat.
- Aw, really?
- I know.
- But he's such a cool.
- He's not.
- Okay.
- He's awful.
- Well, okay, I'm with you.
Only thing, don't know
where the cabin is.
I've been looking
for it for hours.
- I don't know either.
- It's literally
been, I think hours.
- I am so lost.
- It's like the
Labyrinth of Daedalus.
- It's a labyrinth of
confusion and snow.
- Seriously, I'm worried.
- Oh look, it's right there.
- We might not find it.
There it is.
- It's right there.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I don't know if it was
the snow in my eyes or what.
- Yeah, no, I'm not.
- Well, should we?
- It's right there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no, lead the
way, lead the way.
- Okay, alright, let's go.
- Wait, quick, real quick.
I'm still unclear if
I am tripping or if,
or if people are actually dead.
- They're actually
dead, come on.
- I also really have to pee.
Oh my God, Norm.
- Da fuck?
- You were fools
to come back here.
I will crush your world
and eat your dimension.
- Rebecca, this was
your plan all along?
- My brother Norm
was but a worm,
a tool, you really think
he was the chosen one? Bah!
It was my birthright to
inherit the spirit of our Lord.
- Yeah, you guys, I'm
definitely not following this.
- I'll explain
what I know later.
- Okay, yeah, yeah,
great, thanks.
- You never
understood me, Diane.
You and Carla both,
you never believed
I would amount to anything,
but now I will become
Lord of this world.
- No, that is not true.
I totally had faith in you
when you wanted to
be a ski instructor.
- I don't wanna be a fucking
ski instructor, Diane.
I wanna become power incarnate!
- Woody, fly.
- Alright Harry,
you've had your fun.
- Oh, you're gonna
monologue first.
- Makes sense.
- Leave these people
alone, it's me you want.
- I do want you, Woody.
All of this death
and destruction could
have been avoided
if you had just cooperated.
- Hey, don't
put this on me.
I'm on fucking vacation here.
- Join me, Woody.
Think of the team we would make.
I kill him, you
clean up the debris.
It'd be just like
the good old days.
- That's
all behind me now.
- You belong with me
in the higher planes.
I will create messes
that will be beyond
your wildest dreams.
Together, Woody, we will, mop
up galactic superclusters!
- I spit on your offer,
and then I clean up the
spit 'cause I'm a napkin.
And it makes me come to do that.
I choose to stay here,
with my true friends.
- What could these humans
possibly offer you?
- You
wouldn't understand.
You could never be as
messy as these people.
I searched the entire universe.
No species anywhere can
match the low down dirty,
disgusting, messy, chaotic
filth of human beings.
There is a floating
pile of garbage
in the middle of
the fucking ocean
that's the size of Florida.
- That's disgusting.
- You could
keep your beautiful
chandelier universe,
I'll take earth.
Thank you very little.
- Very well.
I can see you have
made your decision.
Too bad you won't be able
to enjoy it for long!
Take that!
- You mean take hat!
- It's a good one.
- You can't even
pun, you son of a bitch.
- Get him, get him
- Go on, get him.
Gotta get the angle.
- Upper cuts.
Upper crust, pizza crust.
- What do we do if he loses?
- I don't know.
Do we run?
- I can't leave him.
- Do we submit to his will?
- Ooh, I don't want to.
- Finish him!
- Come on Woody.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Do it to him!
Get him!
- Make him bleed!
- Get him!
- Upper hand, Woody, upper hand!
- Come on, come on buddy, yes.
Oh.
- Yes, where did he learn that?
- I don't know!
- Amazing, that's
a full twist-around.
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh God, it's brutal.
Wipe the floor with him!
- Oh, that's good.
- Right?
- Oh no!
Enough!
- That's
right motherfucker!
- Hats off to you.
Been thinking all
day about hat puns.
- I know you are, that's great.
That's really good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh shit.
- You can't stop us, you know.
Don't try.
- I got a trump
card up my sleeve.
A secret weapon, if you will
that's gonna send you
all back down to Hell.
- Ha, I call your bluff.
How could you defeat me,
you're just a paltry hanky.
- We don't just got a
hanky, we got hanky panky!
Now kiss each other
you fucking soulmates!
- What?
- A little on the spot,
but it's fine, it's fine.
- What does that even mean?
- Yeah, just.
How about you go, you go that
way and I'll go this way?
- Sure.
- Yep.
- What?
- Now touch tongues.
- Impossible!
No!
No!
No, this is bullshit!
- That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I know.
- Thank you.
- I've been known.
I mean, not known.
- That's okay.
- That's not.
- Didn't read it that way.
- Great, fantastic.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- That worked.
- That was great.
Oh yeah, that worked,
that was fantastic.
- Yeah, no, but also the kiss.
- That worked too, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, good.
Just wanted to.
So.
Right.
- Yes.
- Right.
What do we do with this?
Wow, that was...
- Intense.
- That was weird.
- Weird.
- Right?
Whole thing was just, what?
- Whole thing, weird.
- Really weird.
- Every tiny detail.
But you know what?
I think I really did some good
for Cliff and Carla's marriage.
- I think so too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You really have a gift.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
- I think so, too.
- Weird that they
never came back.
- They always dip
outta parties early.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, that's their thing.
- Their car still
is here though, so.
- Hmm.
So are you ready to go
back to civilization?
- In a minute.
This is nice.
- Yep, yep, yep.
It's sort of like
I'm always saying,
you know, my motto, you know?
Sometimes if you
want to get clean,
you gotta get real
fucking dirty first.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Tell you
what, maybe next time,
you guys can defeat the evil
hat and make up the motto.
Come up with all the one
liners yourself and--
- Yeah okay.
- Alright.
- Okay.
- And I will drink
cocoa and take mushrooms
and make out with each other.
- He's kind of a martyr.
- We said thank
you so many times.
- Yeah, we said so many times.
- All right,
it doesn't make sense.
But sometimes, Sam,
the best things in life
make no fucking sense.
- That is true.
- So true.
- There we go.
- Hit it on the head, Woody.
- Thanks.
- Hi there, yeah.