Hannah Berner: None of My Business (2026) Movie Script

[tie clipping]
["All About It" by Thugg Loc playing]
[cheering and applause]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Hannah Berner!
I'm a breadwinner,
I'm so all about the paper
Got to move before you
do me and my goons
-[cheering and applause continue]
-Will pull a caper, I hustle too
I guess I forgot to mention
-[audience screaming]
-I whip it like it's me
-And Betty Crocker in the kitchen
-What's up, Toronto?!
I'm so all about the paper maneuvering
And people call me Mr. Navigator
I hustle too
I guess I forgot to mention
That is why you see us
pulling up on 24 inches
-[song fades out]
-[cheering and applause continues]
[Hannah laughing]
I'm so excited.
We're doing it.
Like, we're actually doing it. I'm like,
"Did the men press record?
I don't trust any of them."
-[audience laughing]
-[Hannah chuckles]
Do you know, there's men everywhere
lately, have you noticed that?
[audience laughing]
Let's start with the FBI.
There's too many men in the FBI.
Not just any men. Older men.
Now, look, have you guys
ever lost something in your house
and thought, "I'm gonna call
my dad, he'll know"?
[audience laughing]
My dad once lost the remote
on his own chest.
-[audience laughing]
-[Hannah chuckles]
Meanwhile, my mom can find the scissors
in someone else's house.
[audience laughing]
Women need to run the FBI.
It's not even controversial.
-It's not controversial.
-[cheering and applause]
We all have that one friend
named Stephanie,
you give her a sip of ros,
a Wi-Fi password,
she would have found Osama bin Laden
in 32 minutes.
I would've told her his first name,
the length of his beard,
she's like, "He's in that sandbox
over there. Go get him."
[audience laughing]
I love murder documentaries.
-[audience cheering]
-I do. I do.
It's always the girls who love 'em
'cause the men are busy murdering.
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
Yeah, most serial killers are men.
Most serial killers are men.
I wish I could be a serial killer,
but I would get caught immediately.
The cop would just walk in and be like,
pull a hair out of his butt crack
and be like, "Hannah Berner, yet again."
-[audience laughing]
-[Hannah chuckles]
"Extensions this time. Interesting."
[audience laughing]
This is controversial,
but bear with me.
Stand-up comedians
are kinda like serial killers.
Everyone's upset.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
In that, you don't have to be
that good-looking
to be considered
ridiculously good-looking in your art.
[audience laughing]
Like, think about it, Ted Bundy
is the sex symbol of serial killers.
He has little, creepy,
beady eyes, a unibrow.
Like, if he started dancing
behind your friend at the bar,
you'd be like...
[laughter and applause]
Wait, do you guys remember grinding?
-[audience cheering]
-That was crazy!
What a crazy time.
You'd just be, like, at the bar,
and Akon would be on,
and you'd be like...
[audience laughing]
With your girls, you're, like,
trying to mouth the words wrong.
-[mouthing]
-[audience laughing]
And then, suddenly,
you just feel some heat on your back.
[audience laughing]
And there's this weird rule that
you're not allowed to look behind you.
-[audience laughing]
-Who came up with that?!
Like, God forbid I look
and he'll be like...
[audience laughing]
So, you just have to, like, keep going.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
And you're so scared
and you're just trying to make eye contact
with any girl in the room.
[audience laughing]
You don't even have to know her,
you just find one girl and you're like...
[mouthing]
"What the fuck's going on?"
[laughing] I'm like,
"What moves did I do back then?"
[audience laughing]
I feel like I just went like this.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
And then you'd look at her
and she would Caesar it for you.
She'd take it so seriously.
She'd be like...
[audience laughing]
[exhales sharply]
And you'd be like, "Ooh! No, thank you!
I have to pee. No, thank you."
[audience laughing]
Remember teachers?
They'd be like...
[in Southern accent]
"You gotta leave room for Jesus."
[normal]
What did that mean?
Like, Jesus wanted
to be part of the grind line?
He's like, "Let's turn water
into wine. Yeah!"
[audience laughing]
No, but also, what was
the male perspective of that?
Like, you were just walking into bars
with half a chub.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
Just, like, going up
behind girls just going like,
"Oh, she ran away.
Oh, she ran away."
[grunting]
Just poking everyone.
The only good part about it
is if he poked you in the neck,
you were like,
"Ooh, he's tall. [giggles]"
-[audience laughing]
-Pro tip. Pro tip.
If he poked you here, you were like,
"Get the... [grunts]."
[audience laughing]
Anyway, stand-up comedians,
we don't need to be that good-looking
to be considered
ridiculously good-looking in our art.
Like, I'm a reality TV six.
[scattered laughter]
I'm a stand-up comedian 27, okay?
-[cheering and applause]
-Thank you. Thank you.
-[cheering and whistling]
-Thank you.
I'm the Gisele of comedy...
[audience laughing]
...if she couldn't do jiu-jitsu...
and she ate.
I'm the most beautiful woman
in comedy, besides...
Matt Rife.
[audience laughing]
-[cheering and applause]
-Thank you.
[cheering and applause continues]
Except my lips are real.
[laughter and cheering]
[audience member] Woo!
I know what you guys
are thinking, "Hannah...
are you perfect?"
[audience laughing]
-[snickers]
-[audience laughing]
Literally, I have snot on my-- [laughs]
on my chin right now.
Actually, I didn't know
I was always this good-looking...
until I read this article
that said,
"Really good-looking people
"don't know how good-looking they are...
[audience laughing]
"...'cause they actually get
complimented the least.
Because it's so obvious
how good-looking they are."
And I was like,
"Everything makes sense."
[audience laughing]
But I'm not, like, full-time hot.
I'm part-time hot.
Let me be clear, I'm part-time.
And not a lot of people
could pull it off like that.
I could pull off, like,
going on a red carpet,
but I also can get asked
to leave a 7-Eleven.
I have range.
I'm hot-fluid, you know?
Like, depending on the lighting,
I could be Caitlyn Jenner,
before or after.
[audience laughing]
Depending on my luteal phase.
[audience laughing]
I don't want to be full-time hot!
Full-time hot--
If I was always like this,
I'm a-- I'd be a monster.
-[audience laughing]
-Like...
Megan Fox is full-time hot.
That's crazy.
Like, she had no problem.
She was like,
"I guess I'll marry a guy
whose first name is Machine Gun."
Like, that's what full-time hot people do.
I'm relatable.
[audience laughing]
But I know what you're thinking,
"Hannah, how'd you get so confident?"
This is my trick.
I don't look in the mirror.
[audience laughing]
'Cause the mirror?
None of my business.
None of my business.
You know, when you wake up in the morning,
you don't have to be assaulted
by information you don't need.
[audience laughing]
[laughs] I wake up.
I don't look in the mirror.
I know what I look like.
And it's the most beautiful photo
I've ever taken with a Paris filter.
-[laughs]
-[audience cheering]
And I'm like, "That is she."
-[audience laughing]
-[audience member] Woo!
And then, I'll just walk into the world...
and no one will say anything.
And I'm like, "Of course."
[audience laughing]
But no, every now and then
there's a comment
that comes towards my confidence.
Like, in college, my roommate told me
that I have a long torso.
I didn't know what a torso was...
[audience laughing]
...but I looked at my other roommate
and I was like, "Is this?"
And she's like, "You really do."
[audience laughing]
Then I realized, like,
when I'm walking into rooms,
has everyone just been like,
"There's old Torsi-Hanny"?
[audience laughing]
And then, once I went on a date,
and I was wearing, like, a short dress,
and I walk in,
and I swear to God, the guy goes,
"You're sturdy."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Ex-- Excuse me?"
And he was like, "No, no, no!
You just, you have really strong legs."
And I was like, "What am I, a horse?
"You want to race?
Do you want to check my gums?
Like, who's riding who tonight?"
[audience laughing]
We dated for, like, six more months.
[audience laughing]
He asked me to be exclusive.
I was like, "Nay."
[audience laughing]
[audience member] Woo!
[cheering and applause]
[audience member] Woo-ooh!
You didn't see a horse pun
coming in tonight. You didn't see it!
[audience laughing]
One guy, though, kind of made me laugh.
He said that my knees
looked like Voldemort.
[scattered laughter]
Don't look right at 'em.
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
I looked at--
I was like, that's really funny.
Like, he nailed it.
Like, he ate with that.
So, I was like, "I have to message him
something funny back."
And I was like,
"If you can't handle
a couple of rolls on my knee,
how are you gonna handle this pussy?"
[audience laughing]
He blocked me. I won.
[laughter and cheering]
Thank you.
-[cheering and applause]
-Thank you! [laughs]
You won't be able to unsee this,
so it will ruin the rest of the hour
for you, I'm sorry.
[audience laughing]
And no, you guys,
this wasn't my first dream...
being a clown on stage.
[scattered laughter]
My first dream was to become
a professional tennis player.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you for clapping for my dead dream.
[audience laughing]
And I ended up playing tennis
for the University of Wisconsin.
[with Wisconsin accent]
Go Badgers. Go Badgers.
[audience cheering]
[normal] But, you know,
the women's tennis team back in the day,
we didn't get a lot of respect.
So, I had to date a football player.
The only reason I did it,
'cause this man was big.
[audience laughing]
He was 6' 8".
Like, he was never like...
[in deep voice]
"You have strong legs."
He was like, "You're so tiny."
And I was like...
[in high-pitched voice] "I know."
[audience laughing]
[normal] That's--
I'd make my two legs, one leg.
I'm like...
[audience laughing]
No, he would pick me up...
'Cause, look, the average guy
isn't just picking me up.
Like, if they do, they have to be like...
[effort breath]
[audience laughing]
[inhales deeply, exhales sharply]
He would literally, like, fling me
on his back, walk me around.
I felt like Cynthia Erivo.
I was like...
[vocalizing] Ahhh!
[laughter and applause]
He would always, like,
toss me on the couch
and I'd land with a slightly louder thud
than I wanted.
[audience laughing]
I'd be like, "Oh, my God, your couch
was broken before. That's crazy."
[audience laughing]
He was dumb, though, you guys.
He was so dumb.
It wasn't his fault. He has CTE.
Do you guys know what CTE is?
It's when you get hit in the head
a bunch of times
and then you fuck a Kardashian.
It's not good.
[audience laughing]
She goes, "Oh, my God!"
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
No, I did CTE charity
all through college, for free.
I'm a really good person.
-[audience laughing]
-[audience member] Woo!
But no, he was really dumb.
I tried to ignore it,
but one day he texted me
the word, "isn't,"
and he spelled it, I-S-I-N-T.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "This is bigger than me.
Like, I have to speak up for women."
[audience laughing]
So, I texted him back, I'm like,
"That is-is-isn't...
[audience laughing]
...how you spell the word 'isn't'."
And he was like, "Whoa!
I'm tired from practice."
And I was like, "You don't add a letter
when you're tired."
But we had fun.
Like, we'd be making out,
but he'd never want to go
any further with me,
which was a problem 'cause, like,
I wasn't with him for his mind.
[audience laughing]
So, at some point, I was like,
"Hey, is there a problem?
Like, am I too tiny? Like..."
[audience laughing]
He was like, "No, you're perfect.
"I have to tell you something.
I'm a born-again virgin."
[audience member] Whoa.
You guys, I wanna understand
other cultures, so I was like...
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Did you just decide one day
that you're a virgin?
Like, how does this work?"
And he was like,
"It's a lot more complicated than that!"
And I was like, "No, it's not!
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
"I actually just decided
I'm a virgin too.
I guess you should take my virginity."
-[audience laughing]
-[audience member] Woo!
He was like, "No,
you'd have to come with me
to Bible study."
I was like, "Bible study?
"Babe, you can't read.
[audience laughing]
"What are you doing in Bible study?
Just sounding out words with one finger?"
He's like, "Jesus and his...
[mispronouncing] dis-ci-ples."
[audience laughing]
What really pissed me off, though,
is my best friend on the tennis team,
Becca,
she was a lesbian at the time.
Still is.
[audience laughing]
And he told me
he doesn't support her lifestyle.
[audience groaning]
-No, I know. I was like...
-[audience booing]
"That's crazy, 'cause...
football is gay."
[audience laughing]
-And you guys--
-[audience cheering]
[cheering and applause]
You try to hide it from us,
but all the guys have different positions?
Gay!
[audience laughing]
And the positions are like:
quarterback, running back, fullback...
[with flamboyant voice]
...tight end.
[audience laughing]
[normal]
That's someone's Grindr username.
And then the coaches are walking around
with Britney Spears headsets.
He's talking to the box.
They're like...
[mimics Britney Spears vocalizing]
Aah
That was my Britney.
That sounded like something died. [laughs]
[audience laughing]
Also... [chuckles]
...they had to create a rule
to make sure the guys would stop
dancing so much in the end zone.
And I'm like, "Let these divas dance!"
[audience laughing]
They're wearing shoulder pads, capris.
They're in full drag.
Also, they're, like,
all competing and they're like,
"What should we compete for?"
And they're like, "A ring."
And they're like, "Yes!"
[laughter and cheering]
And he's like, "That's very funny,
but it's not true."
And I'm like,
"Okay, why do they start the play
"by putting a ball
"in a guy's butthole...
[audience laughing]
"...and making the other guy
search for it...
[audience laughing]
...and then they arch their back
for no reason?"
[audience laughing]
And he's like, "Come and get it.
Come and get it."
There's no reason
to start the play like this.
Put the ball here, you freak.
[audience laughing]
Put it on the side. Put it here.
[cheering and applause]
[mouthing]
It's so...
Unnecessary.
Someone's like,
"What if I accidentally touch his balls
every time I grab the ball?
Would that be crazy?"
And he's like, "No, that's just how
you have to pass the ball."
And I'm like, "That's crazy."
I've never been hanging out with my friend
and been like,
"Hey, can you pass the remote?"
And she's like, "Sure, here.
[audience laughing]
Come and get it.
Come and get it. Come and get it."
[audience cheering]
And then... [chuckles]
...the quarterback
doesn't just grab the ball.
He does this crazy foreplay
where he's like...
[audience laughing]
[audience members screaming]
[audience cheering]
[Hannah chuckles]
The ending? That was unnecessary.
The ending was unnecessary.
[audience laughing]
No, 'cause I'm married,
people love to ask me for dating advice.
-[audience member] Woo!
-And I love to give it.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
But I actually do have
one really good piece of advice.
Thank you.
When you first start dating a guy,
make sure he goes down on you early.
-[audience cheering]
-Yes.
[cheering and applause]
Yes. 'Cause that's how you know
who he truly is as a man.
[audience members cheering]
But I know what some of you
are thinking, "Hannah,
how do I get him to go down?"
Learn from the men.
[grunts forcefully]
[audience laughing]
He tries to kiss you.
"No kissy kissy!"
Whoa! Waterboard that motherfucker.
Don't let him come up for air.
-[laughing]
-[audience cheering]
[cheering and applause]
'Cause when a man is down there,
that's how you know his true character,
who he truly is as a man.
I don't care how he pretended to be nice
to the waiter for five minutes.
How does he act when he's suffocating
under your clitoral hood?
[audience laughing]
Is he smart?
[audience laughing]
Is he patient?
Is he creative?
Does he think outside the box?
[audience laughing]
Not too far outside, though.
Don't hit my thigh. Keep it in.
[audience laughing]
How does he deal with a little adversity?
"Oh! [sighs]
I think I just started my period."
[audience laughing]
Men used to go to war.
Get down there!
[audience laughing]
-[audience member] Woo-hoo-hoo!
-Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
Welcome to the dirty portion of the night.
[laughter and cheering]
Back in my day... [inhaling]
-[audience laughing]
-[exhales]
Me pretending I know how to smoke.
[inhales sharply]
Back in my day, I was a sexter.
[audience cheering]
I loved sexting.
I was a novelist.
I was a wordsmith.
I was making up
adjectives, adverbs, verbs, nouns.
I was like...
"I'm gonna reverse-cowgirl
barbecue your ass."
-Like, I was...
-[audience laughing]
I was like, "I'm gonna jump, do a split,
"land on the dick,
spin, spin, spin, spin..."
Spin so fast
I'm like one of those toys
where you start spinning
back up in the air,
come down, WWE...
[grunts] Like...
[audience laughing]
Also, when you're doing it,
why are you always next to your dad?
Like, why is it...
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
My dad's always like,
"What are you doing?"
And I'm like, "Homework. [giggles]"
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "I'm gonna
Cirque du Soleil the mother..."
No, I write crazy shit.
I'm writing paragraphs,
I have multiple chats going,
I'm copy and pasting,
I don't give a shit.
I'm fucking repurposing material.
[cheering and applause]
But there'd always be that moment
where one of the guys
would get some confidence.
And he'd be like...
"What are you doing tonight?"
And that's when I realized...
I'd written some checks I couldn't cash.
[audience laughing]
[Hannah breathing heavily]
We've all been there.
We've all over-sexted. And you're like...
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[whimpering] Ooh!"
[breathing heavily]
And I was like,
"Hannah, you gotta face the music."
But in your head, you're like...
"Maybe he just wants to talk."
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
And you go to his place.
You're, like, stretching.
You're like, "Maybe I could do a split--
Can't touch my toes. This is crazy."
-[audience laughing]
-[Hannah breathing heavily]
[whispering]
"Oh, I'm so scared right now."
You knock on his door.
He answers, and suddenly, you're British.
You're like...
[in British accent] "Hello!"
-[audience laughing]
-"How are you?"
[normal] You take your legs
and you just zip 'em together.
You're like...
[audience laughing]
You have no idea what to talk about.
You're like...
"I like your wall. [fake giggles]"
[audience laughing]
[British accent] "Do you have any tea
and crumpets? Oh, okay."
[normal] Then when you walk
into a guy's place in his 20s,
why are there always 18 dudes
sitting on the couch playing FIFA?
Like, what are they
talking about all the time?
And that's truly worse
than the walk of shame.
That moment where
all these guys are watching you
right before you have
to go get dicked down.
[audience laughing]
And you look at them
and you're just like...
[whispering] "Help me."
[audience laughing]
And the guy's like,
"Come to my bedroom."
And you're like,
"Why?"
[audience laughing]
"Okay."
You have your coat on still.
You're like...
"[shivering] It's really cold."
You get in his room, and you know when
you sit on the side of the bed, like...
[audience laughing]
Also, you're looking around, you're like,
"His room is dirtier
than any sext I sent."
[audience laughing]
And you're so afraid to look up.
'Cause you know the second you look up,
he gives you that look.
You know that dumb look men get
right before they try to kiss you?
[audience laughing]
They look at you
like you're a chicken nugget.
-[audience laughing]
-They're like...
And you're like...
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, "Hannah, you gotta think.
Think fast on your feet.
You gotta think quick."
And I'm like...
"I'm a born-again virgin, I gotta go.
Thank you!"
[cheering and applause]
Now, back in my day--
Actually, back in all our days...
[audience cheering]
Don't cheer too soon.
-[audience member] Woo!
-[scattered laughter]
We used to suck dick.
Do you remember,
older women were like, "Don't do that."
And I-- You're like, "Why?"
[audience laughing]
'Cause we didn't have any bad memories.
Like, the first time a dick
came at you, you were like,
"What could go wrong?
Like... jam it."
[audience laughing]
We didn't know about income tax.
We didn't know about microplastics.
We didn't know we were sucking
the teat of the patriarchy.
[audience laughing]
You guys, we were crazy.
We used to... [whispers] swallow.
-[audience member screams]
-[Hannah laughs]
She literally just puked
in the fourth row.
[audience laughing]
No, 'cause, back then,
sperm had amazing PR.
Do you remember, like, 15 years ago?
Their PR team now works with pickleball,
but back then...
[audience laughing]
...they were like,
"Protein, great for your skin."
And you were just like, "Okay!"
[audience laughing]
I mean, my skin does look good at 34,
but I digress.
-[audience cheering]
-[chuckles]
No, but when a dick first came at you,
we didn't know what could happen.
It's like when you take your first shot...
and someone's like,
"Do you want a chaser?"
And you're like, "Why?"
[audience laughing]
Now, if I see tequila
eight blocks away, I'm like...
[audience laughing]
No, back in my day,
we didn't have a gag reflex.
[whispering] We swallowed.
[audience laughing]
[normal] No, it was--
You know, older women were like,
"Don't do that."
And you're like, "Why?!" [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
Now I fucking know.
[audience laughing]
'Cause I've seen too much.
I've given all my trust away.
And I'm smart.
And I know I've grown, because now,
when I go to brush my teeth at night,
if the side of my toothbrush...
if a little bristle hits
the edge of my tongue...
I'm making that goose noise.
[audience laughing]
You know, when you're like...
[bellowing] "Ooh!"
[audience laughing]
That's actually
the ghosts of dicks past
coming through you.
[audience laughing]
Steven: "Ooh!"
Jack: "Ooh!"
Peter: [bellows loudly] "Ooh!"
"May the power of cock compel you. Ooh!"
My husband's like, "Are you okay?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm flossing."
[audience laughing]
Thank God that was relatable.
That would've been so awkward.
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
I flew here today.
Too many male pilots.
Right? They're--
Why are they all men?
And I do not like the communication style.
This is my impression of a male pilot
when there's a delay.
Okay?
[clears throat]
[in deep voice] There's a delay.
[audience laughing]
[normal]
Don't hear from him for two more hours.
No empathy, no details.
Typical man.
[audience laughing]
This is my impression of me...
if I was a pilot...
and there was a delay.
[clears throat]
Promise you guys aren't gonna kill me.
[audience laughing]
No. I've been stressed for two hours.
I've been crying the whole time.
My therapist told me
to have difficult conversations,
so I'm just gonna say it.
We're delayed! And I hate it too!
I don't want to fucking be here, either!
[audience laughing]
I'll keep you posted.
Love you. Bye.
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
But then, this is my impression,
um, once we're in the air.
[clears throat]
First of all, we're lost.
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
Also, I have to pee so bad
and I don't want to go alone.
Can someone come with me
so we can make eye contact as I pee?
That's the only way I do it.
Also, I just hit a curb in the sky
and I don't know how.
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
Where is north? What's a "north"?
Also, the dispatcher tries to call me
and I'm like, "Send a text.
I'm not talking on the phone!"
[audience laughing]
Also, whenever there's turbulence,
I'm like, "Are you guys mad at me?"
[audience laughing]
The engine light's on.
I'm like, "How long can it stay on?"
[audience laughing]
Then, when it's time to park it, I'm like,
"Can someone call my dad
to park this thing? Thank you."
Some male pilots are chatty, though,
which is worse.
[audience laughing]
You know, they're, like, trying out
new material on the plane.
They'll be like, 7 a.m. in Newark,
"[snorts] What's up, New Yorkers?!"
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Start your own podcast
or crash this plane.
I don't want to hear this."
[audience laughing]
That was dark for you guys.
I'm sorry about that.
That was dark. That was dark.
Also, does anyone have, like,
a bachelorette going on tonight?
-So embarrassing.
-[audience laughing]
So embarrassing. Wow.
[laughter continues]
My enemies are out to get me tonight.
That's crazy.
[audience member] Woo!
Looked at my messages.
Someone was like,
"Hey, my best friend's bachelorette is--"
[audience members cheering]
Is it really?
-[audience member] Yeah!
-Oh, my God, you ghosted me!
You embarrassed me
in front of all of Toronto.
[audience laughing]
What's your name?
-[audience member] Alexa.
-Alexa. I just want to say
-tonight's about me, so thank you.
-[audience laughing]
The quietest bachelorette
I've ever seen in my fucking life.
Normally you hear them
from eight miles away.
[audience laughing]
Alright, back to me, Alexa.
[audience laughing]
-[Hannah laughing]
-[cheering and applause]
I love an applause clap for bullying
the girl who's bachelorette is happening.
Obsessed with her.
Anyway, sometimes I'm depressed.
[audience cheering]
Yes! Yes.
After college, I thought
I was gonna be a tennis player.
My dream died,
so I didn't know what to do,
and I got depressed.
And the most annoying part of depression
is when people try to give you advice.
'Cause they always give you
the same horrible advice.
They always go...
"Have you tried going outside?"
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, "Outside?
"Where every horrible thing
that's ever happened to me happened?
What kind of pyramid scheme is this?"
The only reason I go outside
is to fart, crop dust, come back inside.
[audience laughing]
And then, my other friend
was really worried about me.
And she was like,
"If it ever gets really bad,
you should call a hotline."
And I'm like, "No offense.
"I've never been in a bad place
and thought,
"'You know what'd make me feel better?
Calling customer service,
that'll be great.'"
[audience laughing]
Then my other friend was like,
"Hannah, you should smoke weed."
Look, I love people who smoke weed.
They're cool. They're fun.
I love the woman nodding there.
She's like, "Yes, yes."
[audience laughing]
You guys smoke weed, you get creative.
I smoke weed,
I'm ruining your party. Okay?
-[audience laughing]
-And about every six years, I forget.
I'm like, "I'm fun. I could do this."
And then, I'm in the corner just looking
at my fingernails, like...
And someone's like, "Should we check
on your friend? Like, is she okay?"
And it's like, "No, you'll freak her out.
Don't say anything."
And they're like,
"Are you-- Are you sure? Should we try?"
And I'm like, "Is my face round or oval?!
Is it round or oval?!"
[audience laughing]
I actually said that at a party.
Never was invited back.
I'm over it, though. I'm over it!
-[Hannah chuckling]
-[audience laughing]
Then I have another friend who's insane,
and she was like...
[enthusiastically]
"You should try ayahuasca!"
[normal]
I was like, "Ayahuasca?
I can't do melatonin.
I'm not doing ayahuasca."
[audience members] Woo!
No, I know I was in a dark place
because I...
considered becoming a yoga instructor.
[audience laughing]
Every girl has that moment in her life.
Fork in the road. They're like,
"Should I just fucking stretch
for a living? I can't do this."
[audience laughing]
No, you guys, I love yoga
'cause there's no judgment.
In class, the instructor's like,
"If you ever feel overwhelmed,
"just do a child's pose
"and no one will judge you.
"You can do it the whole time,
and we'll still charge you."
[audience laughing]
Turns out, I can't touch my toes.
And they were like, "You have to leave."
-[audience laughing]
-[Hannah chuckles]
So then, I was like, "Well, I'm athletic.
Like, maybe I should try Pilates."
[audience members cheering]
Pilates is the devil's workout
for hot girls.
[audience laughing]
It's full BDSM.
There's whips, there's chains,
there's furry handcuffs,
there's a blonde girl with a ball gag.
-[audience laughing]
-[Hannah laughs]
And I'm like, "I'm just trying to check in
for the 8:30 a.m. class."
And then, the second you start the class,
your leg mysteriously
starts going like this.
And you're like, "I think I'm having
an exorcism. Is this normal?"
-[audience laughing]
-And the instructor's like,
"Perfect. The devil's coming.
The devil's coming."
[audience laughing]
I love these Pilates instructors.
I love them.
'Cause they're always like...
[in sultry voice]
"We're gonna use muscles
you never knew you had."
[audience laughing]
[normal] And I'm like, "I'm 34.
If I haven't used it up 'til now,
I don't think I need it.
It sounds like an appendix."
[chuckles] And-- Oh, my God, I love them.
Their name's always like...
[in sultry voice]
"Aspen."
[audience laughing]
And they don't eat sugar,
but they eat cocaine.
[audience laughing]
And they don't believe in the vaccine.
But they love Ozempic.
[audience laughing]
They're very layered.
[normal] I almost did porn.
[audience laughing]
No, I was 25, broke,
and I was like, "I have strong legs.
I could take a watermelon
and just be like...
[grunting] Ugh!" Like...
there's a man for everyone.
Okay?
[audience laughing]
[Hannah chuckles]
No, even, like, getting a boyfriend,
it's not that hard.
You wait for them to do their mating call.
Which is them asking to show you
a YouTube video.
[audience laughing]
You know it's coming
when they go from vertical to horizontal.
[audience laughing]
And then, you just have to watch it.
It can take three to... three hours.
[audience laughing]
And add a couple laughs,
you know? Be like...
-[fake chuckling]
-[audience laughing]
I swear to God he'll look at you
and be like...
[in deep voice]
"You're really fucking cool.
[audience laughing]
You're the only person who gets me
in this whole world."
[audience member laughing]
-[audience laughing]
-[Hannah laughs]
[normal]
I call it, "YouTube waterboarding."
Stop doing it, sir.
-[audience laughing]
-Stop it.
Let's talk about my husband.
-[audience cheering]
-Yeah.
Let's talk about my marriage.
Um, how's it going?
[scattered laughter]
I don't like... [sighs]
[audience laughing]
...how he wakes up in the morning.
I don't like--
Look, I'm with an older man.
I didn't know this.
They wake up at the crack of dawn.
[audience laughing]
And it's not even that he wakes up,
it's how he wakes up.
He's always like... [grunts sharply]
[audience laughing]
And I'm like,
"Why do you wake up like that?
It's 5:30 a.m.," and he's like,
"Sorry, I'm a hunter."
[audience member] He's a hunter!
And I'm like, "You literally get lost
at the grocery store.
You're not a hunter."
But then, I like that he wakes up early
'cause then around seven o'clock,
I turn on a movie to put him down...
[audience laughing]
...and he sleeps so peaceful.
And then, I'm out TikToking, having fun,
party with my cat all night.
[audience laughing]
But no, I told you guys in my last special
to date an older man
'cause they're tired.
-[audience member] Woo!
-Which is still true.
However, I have to be honest with you,
I didn't factor this in.
These guys are too smart.
[audience laughing]
No, he's--
This is so embarrassing.
He's out here winning arguments.
[audience groaning]
No, I know.
I know, I thought that
was illegal in a marriage.
This is so embarrassing,
I'm just gonna say it.
The other week, I said the words...
"I'm sorry."
[audience groaning, exclaiming]
[whispering]
I... I'm in an abusive relationship.
[scattered laughter]
[normal]
But no, I know I like him...
[audience laughing]
...'cause I pretended
to like skiing for him.
I don't like skiing. I know I'm in Canada,
but I have to speak my truth.
[audience member] Woo!
I did get injured skiing in Canada once.
Um, and Des was all upset
and I was like, "Don't worry.
Like, the healthcare is free."
And he's like,
"For Canadians!"
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
And I was like, "Aah!"
[audience laughing]
It is too crazy in America now.
I'm like, "I'm gonna shoot this in Canada.
Let's be safe."
[cheering and applause]
Let me just talk shit about skiing
for a second.
[audience laughing]
Now that I got you on my side.
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
I've never seen something that makes me
more scared and bored...
-[audience laughing]
-...at the same time.
[audience laughing]
What's with the attitude
of the snowboarders?
You s-- Like, the skiers are like,
"Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee."
And the snowboarders
are like... [grunting]
[audience laughing]
The only board I want
coming towards my head
is a charcuterie board.
[laughter and cheering]
Also, wait, do you guys remember this?
[audience laughing]
That was crazy.
Do you remember how trendy that was?
Like, some kid in middle school would just
run into your homeroom and be like...
[audience laughing]
And back then, that was peak comedy.
I'm like, "That kid's going to SNL.
That's hilarious."
Now, we're like,
"Jeremy's unmedicated, but..."
[audience laughing]
But no, I pretended to like skiing
for my husband,
and he surprised me with a ski trip.
And I was like...
"[whining, groaning] No."
And I was like,
"I think my stomach's gonna hurt."
[audience laughing]
He's like, "We're not there yet."
And I was like, "It will."
We got there, I woke up,
I was like, "My stomach hurts."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
He's like, "You haven't eaten anything."
I was like, "I know, I'm starving."
And he's like,
"Okay, maybe I'll go skiing,
and then, at lunch, if you feel better,
you can meet me for lunch."
And I was like, "I will."
[audience laughing]
So, he left. I was drinking hot chocolate.
I'm TikToking.
I'm fucking grindin'.
I'm having a good time.
And at twelve o'clock, starving!
So, I'm walking to lunch.
And then, I get a phone call
from my husband.
I'm like, "Hello?
How'd you get this number?"
[audience laughing]
And he's like,
"I think I just broke my knee.
Can you meet me at the hospital?"
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
he's so annoying."
[audience laughing]
So, I got lunch...
[audience laughing]
...met him at the hospital.
-[Hannah laughing]
-[audience cheering]
And when I got there, he was lying there
with a neck brace on.
[audience laughing]
Have you guys ever seen
a man in a neck brace?
It's like...
[audience laughing]
I got the ick. That was crazy.
You hurt your knee. Why do you have
a neck brace, you diva?!
And then, the nurse put him
in a wheelchair,
and he had his neck brace,
and his leg was, like, falling off.
And he started waving at me.
He was like...
[audience laughing]
And she was like,
"Is this your husband?"
And I was like,
"I've never met that man in my life."
[audience laughing]
You guys, I love my husband. I do.
I really love my husband.
He's-- I love him so much.
I'm gonna try not to cry.
[scattered laughter]
My favorite thing
about my husband is that...
his parents are dead.
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
Sorry, that's my favorite
reaction of the night.
[audience laughing]
'Cause most of you guys are like,
"That's not funny."
[audience laughing]
But then, a small percentage
of you are like,
"What's it like to live my dream?!"
[laughter and cheering]
[audience member] Woo!
It's peaceful.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Who's your favorite
and only girl?"
[audience laughing]
Look, they say you don't marry the man,
you marry the man's family.
But...
not if you time it right.
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
Work smarter, not harder, ladies.
No, he's annoying sometimes, though.
Like, when my grandpa died,
I was really upset.
Shout out, Grandpa Jerry.
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.
And he was like,
"You still have both your parents
and two other grandparents left."
And I was like,
"Okay, you're 50 years old.
"You're not an eight-year-old orphan
named Oliver with mud on his face.
It's been three years. Let's move on."
[audience laughing]
The holidays are so fun too.
Everyone's so stressed
during the holidays.
Like, "We don't know what to do.
What plans? Where do we go?"
I love to pretend like we don't know
what we're gonna do.
I'm always like, "Babe, we gotta...
"We gotta plan out the holidays.
"Whose house should we-- [gasps]
[audience laughing]
Mine again."
[laughing maniacally]
[audience member] Woo!
[cheering and applause]
So, I'm trying to figure out
if we should have kids or not. [chuckles]
-[audience member] No!
-In the fron--
Who-- Who said no?
No.
[laughter]
Did you want kids
or was she a mistake?
Oh, she was a mistake.
"She was a mistake." Yeah.
[audience exclaiming]
No, for sure.
[laughing] You're like,
"I just thought I was bloated.
I didn't know what was happening."
I have three fucking assholes.
-Who does she take after?
-Her fucking father.
Her fucking dad.
Are you still with him?
-Oh, no!
-[Hannah] No. Yeah.
This is Jerry Springer.
We actually brought him here.
-Come out!
-[laughter and applause]
Come out, husband.
[laughs]
[audience laughing]
Who thinks I should have a baby?
[cheering and applause]
Okay, you say yes.
'Cause-- Is that your daughter?
-[audience member] Yeah.
-[audience] Aww!
We love a mom in this room.
My mom's actually here too.
Just saying, um.
[cheering and applause]
Not to make it about me again.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
Wait, is she your only one?
No, I have a son.
You have a son.
Who's your favorite?
[scattered laughter]
She's raising her hand. Yeah.
-My daughter.
-IVF.
You were IVF?
-[daughter] Yeah.
-Oh, so she had to pay for you.
[audience laughing]
She's like,
"You better be worth the money."
Was being a mom harder than you thought?
Uh, no.
No. It was easy. Kids are great.
[mother]
Yeah. So easy.
See, I'm getting mixed messages.
[audience laughing]
You need to talk together, the moms.
Moms will be like,
"It's the happiest you'll ever be.
"But you'll never be happy again.
[audience laughing]
"You will feel so fulfilled.
But you will lose yourself completely."
I'm like, "What kind of riddle
are we talking about, Yoda?"
The thing is, I'm 34.
My eggs are, like, on the verge
of getting scrambled.
[audience laughing]
No, and I feel like
I need to... do something.
But I'm a jetsetter.
I'm an international comedian, you guys.
I'm in Toronto right now.
[cheering and applause]
I was in Idaho last week.
It's glamorous.
[audience member] Woo!
I'm traveling so much and I'm like,
"I can't have a baby,
"leave it at home,
"and go on tour.
Like, I'm not a male comedian."
[laughter and cheering]
-[Hannah chuckles]
-[cheering and applause]
And I was like,
"I finally have a little momentum.
I don't want to have a baby right now."
And I was talking to Paige,
and Paige, my best friend, was like--
-[audience members cheering]
-Yeah. [laughs]
[cheering and applause]
Paige was like,
"Look, you don't have to make
a decision right now."
She's like, "Just freeze your eggs,
and then, do it when you want."
-[audience member] Yeah!
-And I'm like, "In theory, great advice.
"However, you forgot one small detail.
My husband is 50 years old."
If I freeze my eggs,
I also have to freeze my husband.
[audience laughing]
I have to "Walt Disney" that motherfucker.
[audience cheering]
One girl yelled out.
She was like, "Sperm never dies."
I'm like, "But he will. So..."
[audience laughing]
I did think of a fun game show, though,
I want to pitch you guys.
I think it's, like, exciting,
but also, like, funny,
but also scary.
It's called "Pregnant... or Bloated."
[audience laughing]
We've all been there.
You ever eat a whole rotisserie chicken...
[audience member] Woo!
...you get home, and you're like,
"Let's just see the damage in the mirror."
And you're like, "Oh, my God,
Hannah, that's disgusting...
-[audience laughing]
-...That's disgusting."
But if you just move your hand placement
to here...
[audience laughing]
...you're suddenly a fertile,
beautiful, angelic mother.
You can, like, walk on the subway
and, like, kick off a kid.
You're like, "Move, bitch. I'm pregnant.
Baby's name is Burrito!"
[audience laughing]
No one wins.
Either way, you're fucked.
However... [chuckles]
if you're bloated,
you can just poop it out.
Which leads me to my most controversial
take of the night.
[audience members] Woo!
[audience laughing]
Sometimes pooping is better than sex.
[cheering and applause]
[Hannah laughs]
I've made sounds on the toilet...
[audience laughing]
...that no man has ever made me make.
Have you guys ever had a poop so good
that your soul left your body?
[audience cheering]
Have you ever drank an iced coffee,
felt it coming on, and been like,
"Ooh! Ooh."
[audience laughing]
I'm gonna put my phone
on "Do not disturb."
I'm gonna light a candle.
I'm gonna let go and let God.
[audience laughing]
Have you ever had a poop so good
that you were like,
"Do I like anal?"
[audience laughing]
Me neither.
[audience laughing]
What's your name?
[audience member] I'm Jesse.
You're Jesse.
With a I-E or just a E?
-[Jesse] Just an E.
-I don't like that.
[audience laughing]
Your name is "Jess."
Like, you--
[audience laughing]
"Jess-eh."
[audience laughing]
What do you do, Jesse?
[Jesse]
Custom apparel.
"Custom apparel."
That is so funny.
Straight dudes are like, "If I say
'fashion,' they'll think it's gay.
[in deep voice]
"Custom apparel.
[laughter and applause]
Custom apparel."
[audience laughing]
[normal] The reason I was just doing
some research of some men in the crowd
is 'cause I actually love
that the guys are here
'cause this is the first time
they've ever had to listen to a woman
speak this long without interrupting.
[cheering and applause]
But I also feel like
they're trapped in here.
Like, they're forced to learn things.
And I feel like men and women,
we need to understand each other better.
And that's why, Jesse...
I'm gonna ask you
the hardest question of the night.
Have you ever thought about
what sex feels like for a woman?
[audience laughing]
[Jesse]
Yeah, I'm curious.
He goes, "Yeah, I'm curious."
[audience laughing]
He's like, "What does empathy feel like?
"Let's try it out today.
Sometimes I'm like, 'Is she alive?
I don't know.'"
[audience laughing]
If you had to use an adjective,
which is a describing word...
-[audience laughing]
-[Hannah chuckles]
...what word would you use to describe
what sex feels like for a woman?
[audience member]
You got this, Jesse.
What man just said, "You got this, Jesse"?
Don't form an alliance!
-[laughter and cheering]
-Don't form an alliance, okay?
You're next, motherfucker! You're next!
Don't try to be a hero.
Don't try to be a hero right now.
[cheering and whistling]
-What's your name?
-Scott.
-[mimics accent] "Scott."
-[audience laughing]
[normal] Now, Scott,
'cause you pissed me off...
[chuckles]
...what word would you pick
to explain how sex might feel for a woman?
[scattered laughter]
Don't look at her. Look at me.
[audience laughing]
[audience member] Woo!
[Scott] Teamwork.
Teamwork?
[audience laughing]
All I know is I'm lying there,
there's no teamwork happening.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
What's this,
a fucking baseball league?
What is-- Teamwork?
What, are you high-fiving during it?
[audience laughing]
-[Hannah laughs]
-[microphone thumps]
She goes, "Oh, my God!"
I cannot wait for the car ride
back home for these two.
[audience laughing]
Teamwork! Teamwork!
[cheering and applause]
That was a weird answer,
but it wasn't the worst answer.
Like, you threw me.
I've never gotten that before.
That was crazy.
The worst answer I ever got
was "stabbing."
[audience gasping and laughing]
We had to stop the show.
I was like, "Everyone, go home.
This has gone too far."
My favorite answer, though,
was the guy said, "Warm."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Let's unpack that.
"I'm warm.
"You're not warm.
"I've never been cold and been like,
'If only I had a dick in me,
I'd be warm.'"
[laughter and applause]
But look, the men are at the show
and I'm like,
"What if they could leave
understanding us more?
"And we all could understand each other.
"And I could heal the world...
in this Hulu special."
-[cheering and applause]
-Thank you. [laughs]
Look at this guy trying to leave.
Don't you fucking leave.
-[audience laughing]
-Don't get outta here!
You're next!
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] All the guys are like,
"How do we escape?
Distract her!"
[audience laughing]
There's one rule, you can't get out.
This guy's like...
[audience laughing]
Lock him in! Lock the door!
[audience laughing]
This guy was like, "I'm fucking out
of this shit. This is fucked up."
[audience laughing]
But look, the men are here,
and I want them...
to understand us,
and we understand them.
So, I thought about a metaphor
that they might get to explain
what sex feels like for a woman.
Take out your notebooks, guys.
-[scattered laughter]
-[Hannah chuckles]
Have you ever had a booger?
[audience laughing]
But there's other people in the room,
and you're like,
"When they leave, I'm going
to town on this booger."
And then... [chuckles]
when you first go in, you're like,
"Okay, that feels kinda nice."
[audience laughing]
But then, if you slightly hit it
at the wrong angle, you're like,
"Ow."
-[audience laughing]
-"Sensitive. Ow."
And then, you just start jamming.
Like, you have no strategy.
You're just poking up there.
You're drying up a little,
but you're like,
"We gotta find this booger."
And then, you kind of feel a booger.
You're like,
"Oh, I think-- I think I got it."
And then you lose it
and you're like, "No!"
[audience laughing]
And you keep jamming.
And you're like, "Am I bleeding?"
[audience laughing]
And then you start getting kind of bored.
Then, you kinda give up.
That's what sex feels like for a woman.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you so much, Toronto!
[audience cheering loudly]
Thank you for supporting women
in the arts!
You guys are the best!
Thank you to my gigglers.
Have a great night!
[cheering and applause]
-["All About It" by Thugg Loc playing]
-I'm a breadwinner
I'm so all about the paper
Got to move before you
do me and my goons
Will pull a caper,
I hustle too
I guess I forgot to mention
I whip it like it's me
and Betty Crocker in the kitchen
I'm street wid it,
I'm so all about the paper maneuvering
And people call me Mr. Navigator
I hustle too
I guess I forgot to mention
That is why you see us
pulling up on 24 inches
[interviewer] Alright, we got
head of security for the show.
What do you think about
Hannah Berner fans?
I think everybody was being well-behaved.
There were a couple of ones
that were borderline,
but everybody seems to be okay.
[chanting] ...wearing ties.
We are wearing ties.
-A tie off?
-[fan 1] No fucking way.
-[fan 2] That's crazy.
-[laughter]
[interviewer] What's your favorite thing
about Hannah Berner?
-Her big ass.
-[laughter]
Hannah? She's just so honest
and fantastic and funny.
-Her sweaty pits!
-I love her sweaty pits.
-Woo!
-Ah.
Speaking what we're all thinking
without the shame.
Because we're all gassy, we're all tired.
We all don't know what we're doing.
I think she's great and very witty.
I loved her last special she did.
That was superb.
Take a beta-blocker.
Whatever my girlfriend says.
[laughter]
I love Hannah 'cause she's so real.
She's probably having
a nervous poop right now
and we love that about her.
Uh, I listen to her once in a while,
but I think she's pretty funny.
Ignore us if either of us
go into labor mid-show
because we're both super pregnant
-right now.
-[laughter]
Honestly, she can never do any wrong.
-No--
-Like, only men do wrong.
-[laughs]
-Okay? Let's be real.
And if I do choke myself,
you guys do have first aid, right?
-[interviewer] We have a doctor.
-I am, I am, I am trained.
We all have trauma,
but to use it in the right way...
-Yes.
-...for the greater good
of her and everybody's comedic relief,
is a talent...
-Nobody-- It's unmatched. It's unmatched.
-Yeah.
And we support women in the arts.
-[group agreeing]
-Women in STEM!
[group]
Women in STEM!
-Da, da, da, da, da
-[laughter]
Hannah's got the best style.
Hannah-coded right here.
Hi, Hannah.
I've seen you six times.
I've seen Giggly Squad three times.
It gets better and better each time,
and we love you.
So good. You killed it tonight.
-So funny.
-I've only seen you one time,
but I had a great time, so...
We enjoyed ourselves.
-Katie's your biggest fan.
-I had so much fun.
And this guy embarrassed me.
"Legs." Laughing.
-"Legs." Laughing.
-Girl! The muscles.
Trick is, normally, like...
Every day I hear her voice,
I fucking laugh,
-I smile, my mental health...
-[laughing]
...is going through the roof.
I actually have no idea who she is.
Pulling up on 24 inches
[cheering and applause]

Get money
-[cheering and applause fade out]
-[song fades out]