Hannah Gadsby's Gender Agenda (2024) Movie Script
1
[upbeat music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Put your hands together
for your peerless host,
Hannah Gadsby!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music continues]
- Hello!
- [music ends]
Hello, thank you!
Thank you very much.
[Hannah giggles]
Well, my work here is done.
Thank you. Thank you so much,
London, you beautiful potatoes.
Look at you all. Big fan.
Hello, Alexandra Palace. Allie Pallie!
[crowd cheers]
The last time Netflix brought
this many trans people together
was for a protest, so...
Progress.
Progress.
Which is kind of why we're here.
There is a foundation myth
to this evening.
We all love a founding myth.
So I'll bring you in,
bring you into the loop.
A few years back, Netflix released
an incredibly transphobic comedy special
from one of their pet "edgelords," and...
There was a bit of a brouhaha
that followed.
A big, big, big, big brou-hou-haha.
And look, to be honest,
I didn't get involved to begin with.
I...
I... And I'm not... I'm not proud of this,
but I'm a bit of a cultural cuck,
you know?
I'm just like, "Oh no, you go ahead.
I'll be over here...
watching."
But then my name got brought into
the conversation, so I'm like, "Oh fuck."
So...
Look, what I did was
I penned a very strongly worded letter...
um, and I addressed it to, uh, Netflix.
It's called
biting the hand that feeds you, I believe.
Or punching up with your teeth,
which you don't normally get to do twice,
but I have a good dentist, so there we go.
Here we are.
So, look, I won't lie.
I came a bit strong out of the gate.
I addressed it
directly to my Netflix daddy.
I call him my Netflix daddy
because Netflix is like a family.
Once you're in the fold, it really is.
It does feel like a family,
a very big family.
And like most families,
they don't really like their queer kids.
I addressed it directly
to my Netflix daddy and I said,
"Fuck you, Ted."
It's a bit harsh, isn't it?
But in my defense,
I'm a Capricorn with a Piscean moon...
and a Cancer rising.
Which directly translates to autistic.
So I...
I don't always get the tone right.
In that letter, I made various points.
One of them is, I called Netflix
an amoral algorithm cult, which...
I stand by.
And then I mentioned in passing,
it was just a throwaway mention,
that I did shits
with more backbone than Ted.
Now...
Yeah.
You're encouraging me now, but,
you know, I just...
It probably wasn't the right tone.
But again, in my defense,
in my head, it was playful.
In my head,
I saw a jaunty little turd, you know?
With impossibly good posture,
possibly a top hat, you know?
Pure whimsy.
From my side, pure...
Did not translate. Um...
I finished the strongly worded letter
and then I posted it to Instagram.
Ooh. Like... Like, it wasn't...
I didn't think it would
blow up in my face there.
'Cause, like, I didn't phone him directly.
I didn't rock up to his house.
I wasn't challenging him to a duel.
Do you know what I... Like...
I didn't even post it to Twitter.
Do you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Twitter.
Twitter.
Twitter. Twitter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I will deadname that chum bucket.
Now I...
[audience laughing and cheering loudly]
[Hannah laughing]
It was just Instagram,
but the Russian media
picked it up and ran it.
I didn't read it.
Then something marvelous happened.
Somebody translated the Russian news story
back into English.
And my original words
did not survive that loop.
I no longer
did shits with more "backbone."
I shit...
with more "tenacity."
It's a very different image,
I think you'll agree. Like, it's...
It's no longer this, is it?
That is explosive diarrhea
as a bragging point.
And it does very much sound like
I was challenging him to a duel.
The other incredible thing
that came out of that brouhaha
was this evening. That's...
[crowd cheering]
Yes.
Netflix agreed to work with us
to build this evening
of a whole bunch of fabulous and diverse
genderqueer performers for this evening,
and I am incredibly excited
to bring this to you.
It won't fix it. It's not enough.
Just one night, like...
You know, come on, you don't
raze the Amazon and plant a tree.
Like, this is the carbon offset show,
you know what I mean? Like...
This evening we've got a whole range
of comics from all around the world,
all sorts of different styles.
It is a smorgasbord, and I am so excited
to share them all with you this evening.
Are you ready for that, Allie Pallie?
- [crowd cheering loudly]
- Yes, you are!
This first act has come all the way
from the other side of the pond,
but as an Australian,
I'm not that impressed.
But they've still made
more of an effort than you, so that's...
Please make welcome Jes Tom!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Oh my God, what's up, London?
How are you feeling?
Wow. Wow, my name is Jes Tom.
I'm trans. Can you tell?
Don't answer that!
That was a test, you're passing. Am I?
Stupid.
I am about to hit four years
on testosterone, which explains why...
[crowd whooping]
Which explains why I have
the mustache of a school bully.
I started testosterone
right before the pandemic,
so it was a long, long time
of being alone in my room,
just staring at my one neck hair.
I've been thinking lately, like,
what if I never grow a beard, just one
long hair that grows longer and longer?
You can see it from the back of the room.
Something that happens when you're
on testosterone is you get very horny.
Which is funny because I already thought
before that I was already horny enough.
But I shattered that glass ceiling.
I did. I did.
You can clap for that.
- [crowd cheering]
- [Jes] Mm. Mm.
Lesser-known fact
about testosterone is that
testosterone can change
people's sexual orientation,
because sometimes
God likes to play a trick.
So after an entire lifetime
of being a practicing lesbian,
for the first time ever,
I find myself attracted to men.
- [crowd] Ooh.
- [shudders]
I love how no matter
who's in the audience,
gay, straight, bi, cis, trans,
everyone's like, "Oh, that's bad."
Everyone's like, "Are you okay?"
It is crazy going from being a lesbian
to being attracted to men.
I do feel testosterone flipped a switch
in my brain,
because before,
men just looked like big rectangles to me.
And now I think
rectangles are really sexy.
So I'm in this interesting moment
in my life, coming into my sexual peak,
both as a 16-year-old boy
and a 30-year-old woman.
I'm in my DTF era, that's "Dyke To Fag."
Yeah.
People taking a second to decide
which part of that it's okay to laugh at.
And I'm learning a lot.
You know, lesbians and gay men
are extremely culturally different.
Like, gay men love musicals,
lesbians love trauma.
And ne'er the twain shall meet.
I have to learn a lot.
I have to learn to be gay-man hot,
and it's hard.
It's hard. Okay,
are there gay men in this room?
Oh my God.
Not enough for you to be safe to cheer.
It's very hard to be gay-man hot.
It's much harder to be gay-man hot
than it is to be lesbian hot.
I'm not saying lesbians aren't hot.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying lesbians are more open-minded.
Yeah, you know, like as a lesbian,
the hottest thing I can do
is know my time and place of birth.
Maybe have played piano as a child,
really worked out that...
muscle memory.
To be gay-man hot,
you have to be a cisgender man
also on testosterone.
I'm like, "Doesn't anyone
want to see my charts?"
"Doesn't anyone care
I'm a Capricorn stellium
in the 10th house of the public eye?"
"That used to mean something
where I came from."
Those credits do not transfer over.
I'm learning that sexting with men
is very different from sexting with women.
And if it's weird to you that I,
a non-binary person,
am doing these "men are like this,
women are like this" type jokes,
just assume everything
I'm about to say is wrong.
Okay. That being said,
sexting with women, it's a craft.
It's got three-act structure.
It's Aristotelian,
it's got narrative development,
it's got character arc.
We grow in the same direction.
We're different afterwards.
We've changed together.
It's beautiful.
Sexting with men is like a child's
flashcard with a picture of an apple
that says "apple" underneath.
But instead of an apple,
it's a dick, and not like...
not like a nice, clear dick,
like a dark room, backlit,
with the pilly sweatpants and the flash.
Men can't read, is what I'm saying.
They cannot read. [chuckles]
I'm learning gender is very arbitrary.
It's based on arbitrary things I do.
Like, um, I'm a man if I wear a hat,
I'm a woman
if I order a hibiscus iced tea.
I get in these awkward situations.
Using the public restroom is a mess.
I have to do all this gender math.
What am I wearing on my head?
What did I order at the cafe?
Controversial statement,
I still prefer to use the women's restroom
because I'm not an animal.
You know?
I'm not... I'm not...
I'm not a beast.
I'm not a creature.
I don't wanna go in the men's restroom
and use that haunted stall in the back.
I don't need to know
what those walls have seen.
Like, that's not part of my journey.
I prefer to use the women's restroom,
and what I do is...
I do still wear a mask in public a lot
because I care about public health
and I'm sick of people
falling in love with me everywhere I go.
It's a burden. You wouldn't understand.
And recently I was at a movie premiere,
brag, and...
I was not in the movie.
My job right now is to show up places
where more famous people are
and be like, "And me!"
"Hannah Gadsby..."
So I was at this movie premiere.
I went to use the women's restroom,
and a security guard steps in front of me
and goes, "Excuse me."
"This is the girls' room."
And I was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry,
I did not realize you were an ally."
"Oh, I had no idea."
"Some cops are good..."
No, I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine?
Do you ever get policed so hard
your identity gets affirmed?
Pretty interesting.
Guys, I'm Jes Tom. Thank you so much.
You've been amazing.
- Thank you.
- [crowd cheering loudly]
Jes Tom!
- Yes!
- [crowd cheering]
Okay, the next performer,
I'm fairly certain most of you know her.
She's a powerhouse of talent,
but it is my hope that a lot more people
will know her and love her.
She's incredible.
Chloe Petts!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Hello!
How's everyone doing?
Yes!
Oh my gosh, it's so lovely to be here.
My name is Chloe. I'm extraordinarily gay.
Thank you, and whoever cheered, fantastic.
The rest of you homophobes, that's fine.
Where are all my gays at?
A worryingly strong contingent.
Where are my straights at?
No, you sound much more ashamed.
Correct.
No, I love having straight people in.
Welcome, so nice to have you here.
I like to... Well, it's nice to be able to
sort of share our culture with you guys.
Teach you some lingo.
My lingo, very simple.
I'm a masculine lesbian,
very easy for you to understand.
All that means is that I get myself into
sort of socially awkward situations.
For example, I went into a hotel.
The hotel assistant said,
"How can I help you, sir?"
And I said, "Listen, babes." [chuckles]
"Don't be embarrassed,
happens all the time. It's madam."
And he goes,
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, sir."
But I love it. It's amazing.
It's great because I now get access
to an amazing little thing,
a wonderful little thing
called male privilege.
It's good shit, isn't it, sir?
It's lovely.
Give me one of them. Come on.
Jesus fucking Christ...
Returned the fist bump,
massive misogynist.
No, I now know
that I've got my own privilege
'cause I get access to the greatest term
of endearment in the English language.
Cis femme ladies in the room, I'm sorry
you're never gonna experience this.
The greatest term of endearment
in the English language is this one.
Walk into the chicken shop, vendor says,
"What can I get for you, boss man?"
[crowd cheering]
No wonder you boys are fucking confident.
I walk out of there feeling like
the CEO of my own goddamn life.
Sometimes I go to the shop. They go,
"What can I get you, boss man?"
I go, "Nothing, I'm vegetarian."
"You've given me everything I need.
Thank you."
I am a vegetarian. Do we have any in?
Very proud one at the front.
Any vegans?
Okay, that's lovely.
There's probably more,
they're just too weak to cheer.
And where are my meat eaters at?
Yeah, that's right.
That's the sound of protein.
I... I love you guys.
I wish I was one of you,
'cause I am a vegetarian that does eat,
uh, meat.
What happens is, once every three months,
I'll just have a tiny little bit of meat,
just try a tiny little piece of meat,
just to see if it tastes
nicer than the climate.
But this makes people angry,
'cause they want you
to be morally consistent.
They want you to be one thing,
they want to categorize you.
So they'll be like,
"You're not vegetarian then."
"At best, you're a flexitarian.
You're a flexitarian, Chloe."
What I say to these very angry,
belligerent people is this.
I spent my late teens, early twenties,
trying a penis once a financial quarter.
Did not make me straight.
It's the same principle.
You wouldn't go around calling me
a homoflexual, would you?
I...
It's sort of difficult to know
about my gender identity.
'Cause now that I've got male privilege,
I worry that I am gonna be
accidentally toxic towards women.
No, sit down! Sit down!
Mate, that was a test, and you fucked it.
Big puppy dog vibes over here.
No, my gender identity,
it's difficult to know.
I'd say the place I feel most comfortable
and most myself in all of the world
is on the wedding dance floor.
That's 'cause my favorite
mode of transport is via knee slide,
surrounded by unprecedented
levels of cleavage. I just love it.
But the world out there's chaotic.
It's difficult to know who I am.
I largely identify as a woman,
but it can be confusing.
On a wedding dance floor,
I know with 100% certainty
that I identify as a man
with a tie on his head.
It's just who I am.
I fucking love weddings so much,
particularly straight weddings.
They're so good, because I feel like
I become the hero of the straight wedding.
And I know technically
that should be the bride, but...
Something about being the only woman
that walks into the space in a men's suit
makes those straighties think
you're the most interesting person
they've ever met in their life.
The women are coming up to you like,
"I had a sexual experience
with a woman once."
The men walk past like,
"I bet she's got some cracking
pale ale recommendations."
It's not just the adults
that get interested in me.
It's the kids too. The kids are
the first people to get interested in me.
You have that moment
at a wedding in the afternoon
where all the parents
have got absolutely wankered,
and the kids are just
running around lawlessly.
They're feral,
it's like Lord of the Flies.
They're snorting lines of sherbet.
Shots of SunnyD through their eyeballs.
They've gone absolutely wild.
And at that moment,
there becomes this power vacuum
that any adult can step into if they wish,
and become king of the children.
It is very easy to become
king of the children.
They're easy to impress.
Show them Candy Crush on your phone,
they are following you around
like you're the Pied Piper.
You've got this gang of children to do
your bidding, to do whatever you like.
So I get them to sort of stockpile
all the party poppers for later use.
You know, hold my beer
while I'm doing the Macarena.
Sometimes I'll get them in a minivan
to go see Frozen: The Musical
so it doesn't look weird
that I've gone on my own again.
But then they all go to bed,
and the next people to get interested
in me at the wedding are the straight men,
'cause they've seen the fun the kids
are having and they want in on the action.
Because, you know, what are men
if not children that got big?
And then all the straight blokes,
they all sort of, like, circle me
like a YO! Sushi conveyor belt.
And I can pluck off whichever I wish.
It's never a good quality of man.
It's always just, like,
some guy called Josh who's like,
"My name's Josh,
my main interests are finance, Bitcoin,
and wearing no socks
with my trainers and loafers."
And I'll go, "Hey, Josh,
nice to meet you mate, you all right?"
And Josh, who'll be the most boring man
you've ever met in your life,
100% of the time,
he'll introduce you to his girlfriend
who is the most stunning,
talented, beautiful woman
you've ever seen in your life.
I'm looking at her like, "Blink twice
if you need me to get you out of this."
"There's a whole community of lesbians
that I can take you to."
"It will be an honor and a privilege."
I'm like, "What is it
that you even like about Josh?"
She'll be like, "I dunno, he's sweet.
He always remembers my mum's birthday."
I'll be like, "The lesbians could do that,
and give you an orgasm too. Come with me."
I've realized,
with much experience at weddings,
why the straight men love me so much,
and it's because I'm useful to them
during the bouquet throw.
We all know the bouquet throw.
I'm going to explain it in case there are
people with cultural differences.
The bouquet throw is the bit
where all the unmarried women
gather on the wedding dance floor.
The bride stands in front of them,
her back to them.
She'll throw her bouquet of flowers
into the sea of unmarried women.
Whichever one catches it first
is the next one to be sold off.
Obviously I'm fucking incredible
at the bouquet throw.
I'm massive,
I've got a thirst for straight blood.
Last year I went to three weddings,
I caught five bouquets.
I wish you could see it.
I let the unmarried women
go ahead of me to the dance floor,
and they gather, they congregate,
and it's all bristling with tension.
They're going,
"I wonder which one of us it's gonna be."
"I really hope it's me."
"I've been practicing
in the garden all year."
And then I'll stomp on.
Prosecco glasses start shaking.
Nana starts crying.
One of the unmarried women's going,
"You sure you're in the right category?"
[giggling nervously]
I'm going, "Yep.
Throw my fucking flowers."
The bride will throw the flowers,
and all the straight men I've befriended
will flock around me
and lift me like a rugby line-out.
You've been absolutely amazing.
I'm Chloe Petts. Good night, thank you!
- [crowd cheering loudly]
- [upbeat music playing]
Yeah.
Chloe Petts!
- [music ends]
- Yes!
Indeed!
See what I'm talking about?
You're a bit keen, mate.
[Hannah snickers]
I need you all to know, he's not a plant.
Like, just... keen.
Your name...
Your name's not Josh, is it?
- Yes, yeah, that's it.
- [crowd cheering]
All right.
Next, we have
an amazing performer from New York.
Understated magnificence.
Please get that energy going
for Asha Ward!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Whoa, what's up, London?
[crowd whooping]
This is cool, it's awesome to be here.
[scattered whoops followed by laughter]
I'm not going to lie,
I got too high before this.
So it's feeling crazy to me.
But you guys like weed though, right?
You guys smoke weed here.
[crowd whooping]
I love weed, but I feel like
it's time for me to cut back
the amount of weed I'm smoking.
'Cause I feel like the amount of weed
I'm smoking is making me, uh, stupid.
The other day, my friend was telling me
about their struggle with body dysmorphia,
and I was like, "Aw, lucky."
I was like, "Aw, lucky,
you could rob a bank with that."
That's what I said.
Apparently body dysmorphia
is not what it sounds like.
I thought they were telling me
they were a shape-shifter.
I was like, "Damn, that's great news."
No, but I really have cut back
the amount of weed I'm smoking.
And it's cool. Like, I've had
the motivation to do so much more
ketamine.
I love ketamine.
I can't keep ketamine
or Pop-Tarts in the house.
Now, instead of saying
I'm addicted to something,
I'm just saying,
"Oh, I can't keep that in the house."
I knew I was doing too many nose drugs
when I started saying shit like,
"They need to start making cocaine
for plus-sized people."
I was unemployed for a while,
believe it or not.
I'd reach the deepest level
of unemployment,
and that's when you start
making beats on your computer.
And then after a while,
they start sounding good.
It's wild 'cause I, like, got into
music production by way of Four Loko.
If you don't know,
that's an alcohol for people
who don't really care about life or death.
You ever get so drunk
you open up GarageBand, fuck around,
make some shit that sound like Avicii?
That's what I was doing.
I had so much free time, it was crazy.
I, like, signed up for a kickboxing class.
I had to immediately quit.
'Cause, like,
a fully grown man beat my ass.
I was like,
"Damn, that doesn't feel legal."
"That feels really illegal."
It's crazy.
I used to work at a pediatric dentistry.
What if I was like,
"And I was the dentist"?
No, just kidding. I worked the front desk,
like a normal person.
I like to hit my dab pen there.
There's something about getting high
and watching kids go to the dentist.
It's like watching a nature documentary.
But I knew I wasn't going to last
for very long at that job,
'cause, well, one day I got an email
with the subject line "fax machine."
All caps.
So I click on it.
I'm like, "What could it be?"
It's just one sentence.
Uh, "Who got butter in the fax machine?"
I've yet to confess,
but my previous employers know
I'm the only one who worked there
that's not afraid to eat crab legs
in professional settings.
It's not looking good for me.
Before that, I used to teach improv
at a Jewish summer camp,
which is wild,
'cause I don't do improv
and I'm not Jewish.
That's the power of networking.
My dad is also gay,
which is very nuanced of me, I know.
We're the only two gay people
in the family,
so it feels like we're coworkers.
You know?
I've only dated one man,
and when he cheated on me,
I pretended to be mad about it.
I was like,
"You're gonna be in big trouble, mister."
I'm also just, like,
bad at dating in general,
because I'm bad at flirting,
especially like by text.
'Cause I'm just so excited
that whoever I'm into is also into me.
I remember one time
I was texting this girl I like.
She texted me,
told me she wanted to give me head.
I was like, "My God, that's great news."
"I gotta go tell my family."
I'm also, like,
bad at giving dating advice,
'cause I'm crazy.
Like one time my friend told me,
she was like,
"The guy I like hasn't texted me back,
but he's active on Instagram."
I was like, "Man, that's crazy."
"Have you tried
reaching out to his mother?"
"She know where he at."
"Send her ass a DM on Candy Crush."
You know?
You know what's embarrassing
that shouldn't be embarrassing?
Taking deep breaths.
You ever had somebody walk in on you
while you were taking some deep breaths?
Especially if they catch you on an exhale.
Like, why does it feel like
you just saw my butthole?
That's insane.
I've also been getting drunk more often,
but not in the unhealthy way, you know?
Like, in the fun way, right?
Like, by myself.
And it's wild 'cause I, like, have a dog.
I can't walk the dog while I'm drunk.
It's too much.
I start swinging her shit like a purse.
She starts barking at people.
I start yelling at them too.
Like, "Fuck it, who we mad at?"
Thank you, my name's Asha Ward.
[crowd cheering]
[Hannah] Give it up one more time
for Asha Ward!
[upbeat music playing]
I'm incredibly excited
to bring this next performer out.
Please welcome to the stage DeAnne Smith!
[music ends]
Yes. Yes, let's get straight into it.
[scattered whooping]
Guys, I think it's weird
that Russians are so anti-gay.
I mean, they invented the concept
of a woman
inside a woman,
inside a woman,
inside...
I knew you would get it.
I didn't even have to do
the hand gestures. Good work!
Okay. First joke is out there.
This is good. Things are going well.
I, uh...
[groans] I struggle with anxiety, guys.
That's happening for me all the time.
It's happening in this moment.
But I'm also...
I don't want to say that anymore
because it sounds so negative.
I wanna rebrand it.
I don't wanna say "struggle" anymore.
If you have that problem,
do what I'm trying to do.
From now on,
I don't say, "I struggle with anxiety."
I say, "My mind
sparkles with imaginary danger."
It's powerful,
it's magical, it's mysterious.
And I tend to set the stakes
for everything that I do way too high.
Like, right now I feel crushed
by the responsibility
of having a microphone
at this moment in history.
Anything less than
calling for global revolution
feels a bit self-indulgent,
you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Okay, we're all on board.
I hope we all agree
what that means when I say that.
It's like, what am I going to do,
talk about boobs?
I got top surgery not that long ago.
- I am!
- [crowd cheering]
Sure, thank you!
And if you don't know what that means,
that means that I used to have boobs,
and then through no fault of their own,
I got 'em gone.
And people like to celebrate that,
but I didn't do
a good thing for us collectively.
I did a very selfish thing.
Right now in this room,
we are down
one sick rack.
I did that to us, you guys, I did that.
We need every bit of joy
we can get in this world,
and I yoinked it...
I yoinked it away from us.
And for what?
I'm not gonna transition.
This is it.
This is the final form.
Just this weird little guy.
[crowd whooping]
Yeah, sure. All right. All right!
[crowd cheering]
Don't...
Calm down, lesbians, I...
But weird little guy is my gender identity
and you must respect it.
I've been getting they/them'd
against my will since 2005, all right?
I feel beyond the conversation
that's happening.
I'm just trying to have fun with it,
but not everybody is.
I met somebody that was like,
"Hi, I'm Jess. She/her."
Very sincere.
And I answered,
"DeAnne. Weird little guy."
And then I got to see Jess melt down.
Jess was like, "Weird little guy, okay.
Gotta remember it and respect it."
You don't.
We don't have to respect everything
the they/thems are doing, you guys.
I've made some wild choices.
During top surgery,
I opted for no nipples.
Did you even know you could do that?
I stand before you nipple-less.
Here's the thing.
During the surgery, they come off.
They're off. They're over there.
And then they want to reshape them
into "man nipples."
I don't know what that means.
Better paid?
What is it...
What's a...
Man nipples, they just
absolutely dominate a conversation.
Like, what...
Man nipples. I don't need man nipples.
That's not the energy.
I want my gender to be
almost the same exact feeling you get
when you look at the word
"zucchini" spelled out.
I just want you to go...
"Is that right?"
"It's kind of cool though.
C-C-H right in the middle."
"Not a lot of things are doing that."
"Maybe it's Italian." I...
Do me a favor just for a minute.
Please just indulge me.
All I'm asking is that
you think about your own nipples.
Just think about your own nipples.
And I don't know your lives.
Maybe you came to a comedy show tonight
to forget about your nipples,
just to be free of the burden,
but think about them.
They look weird, right? They look weird.
They look weird.
They're weird looking. They look weird.
And you don't need nipples, you guys.
You don't need them.
It's just what the people at Big Nip
want you to think, but you don't...
You don't need...
Listen, I like talking about this stuff
because I would hope that maybe
you would feel a little bit empowered
and just remember
that your body is your own, you know?
In a room this size,
there has to be somebody
who's wavering on a haircut or thinking
about getting a tattoo or something.
I would just say,
go ahead and do it, you fucking pussies.
I have... I have no nipples right now.
Do you understand that?
Do you understand
that I have zero nipples?
No nipples.
When I take off my shirt,
it looks like I'm just wearing
another flesh-colored shirt.
Like, it's weird. It's weird.
You'll know something's off,
but you might not know what right away.
You'll just be like,
"Did you shave your eyebrows?"
It has that energy.
When I'm cold, you'll never even know.
I could...
I have left open the possibility.
I could get tattoos later on.
Visually, if it needs it,
I could get tattoos.
My best idea right now
is a QR code.
Scan it, and it goes
to an NFT of my old nipple.
Is that fun?
It's just spinning, disembodied.
What an incredible image
to place in your minds.
Okay, before I go,
I want to take this opportunity to say,
if you don't believe me
about the sick rack,
there is photographic evidence.
And you can email me...
That's "sick" with three I's,
and I'm dead serious.
Thank you.
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[Hannah] DeAnne Smith!
Yeah!
[music ends]
Absolutely!
It... It was a sick rack.
I miss it.
I'm personally quite excited about
the new conversation around gender.
I like that there's a lot more variety
of ways to identify,
'cause it felt a bit
claustrophobic for me in the past.
I still don't... I still don't know what...
[grumbling]
Haven't picked a team. Um...
You know, "gender-fluid," but also... [gags]
But, you know?
It's...
That's a me thing.
"Non-binary" works, kind of, in theory,
but the term "non-binary" distresses me.
Because to define yourself
by something you are not...
is the cornerstone of binary thinking.
And...
If I was to make up a gender for myself,
it would be gender-surprised.
Because it doesn't matter
how people gender me.
I get the whole set every day, you know?
She/her, he/him, they/them, every day.
Do you know? And, like...
And none of them offend me,
but all of them surprise me.
They... It's...
So I'm like, "Okay, no, I'll have a go."
Every interaction with a stranger
is like a tiny gender reveal party for me.
I'm just not attached to the bits at all.
Like, but also, that goes beyond
the sexual bits.
All of my bits.
I've had my tonsils out, I've had...
I don't care. I don't.
I've never thought of them since.
I've had my appendix out.
My gall bladder, fuck off! Like, it's...
If someone told me tomorrow
I have to have my uterus out,
don't care. Throw it on the heap.
I'll hang onto
the bottle opener though, 'cause...
I get...
I get a lot of use out of that. I...
I think it's adorable
how so many men are all of a sudden
very concerned about women's sport.
That's... new.
That's real new.
Like, the idea that men
are transitioning to become women
so they can dominate women's sports.
Like, you know, picking up all those
amazing perks you get in women's sports.
All those perks!
All those perks like...
Women get all the perks in women's...
They get kisses and everything. Who...
Who wouldn't want a kiss?
Her, apparently. Ungrateful.
I think it's really disingenuous,
you know,
'cause in 2012,
a horse
won Australia's Sportswoman of the Year.
Fucking horse!
Don't worry about chromosomes,
that bitch has four legs...
and is also a horse!
Very excited to bring
this next guest out in front of you.
All the way from, Portland, Oregon,
Mx. Dahlia Belle!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
- Thank you.
- [music ends]
Thank you so much.
You're all so kind.
I do apologize right up front
because I know our time together
is very brief this evening,
but I am under contractual obligation
to let you know that I know
the difference between myself
and a non-transgender woman.
And I'm very careful
to always say "non-transgender,"
because I've been informed
that "cisgender" is considered a slur...
by people who don't understand
how slurs work.
Throughout my life,
I have been called a great many things
of which I have not been
particularly fond.
But only a select few
have actually qualified as slurs.
Like back when I was in school,
kids used to call me a butt pirate.
And that one's kind of cute.
I'm not mad at it, I'm really not.
Although I will admit
I do personally prefer
"booty bandit" or "bum burglar,"
but we can't all be great writers,
now, can we?
All the same... All the same,
the day an unprovoked gang
of nigger tranny fags
hurl bricks at someone
while shouting "cisgender,"
it will be a slur.
Until that day, however,
people are just being
whiny little bitches about an adjective.
[crowd cheering]
It's gonna be all right. It will be okay.
And here's how I know
it's going to be okay,
'cause how would we even know
someone isn't transgender? How?
Trans people, we're not really known
for trying to inspect everyone's genitals.
That is strictly
a straight people pastime.
We... We don't care. [tittering]
All the same, I know how important it is
for you to know that I know
that hundreds of years from now,
assuming we haven't
all killed ourselves off,
were someone to dig up my remains
for some inexplicable reason,
they would be able to determine
that I had been born male
and lived my life as a woman,
because that's how archaeology works.
Also,
I'll be dead.
So dysphorian misgendering
won't really matter at that point.
But what I know that you might not know
is that I intend to be cremated,
so none of that shit matters.
True story. [tittering]
But in the meantime,
right here and now in the present tense,
I still need you to know that I know
I will never ovulate,
I will never menstruate,
I will never get pregnant,
I will never give birth.
I just get a vagina with none of
the obstacles or inconveniences.
[crowd laughing and cheering]
It's fine. That's fine. I'm fine with it.
I'm not trying to do extra labor.
I'm an underachiever.
But there are people that genuinely
do believe that I'm trying to steal
the entire concept of womanhood
away from them,
when in reality, all I actually want to do
is take very specific aspects of womanhood
off your hands.
And as far as I can tell,
it's shit you don't even want.
You know, things like being infantilized,
being objectified, dehumanized,
and awkwardly propositioned
by a man who's not actually your type,
but you are at the peak of a dry spell,
and you did leave the house
without panties on, just in case.
An adequate, by which I mean consenting,
man might sweep you off your feet
and into the single-occupancy,
gender-neutral restroom
of your preferred brunch establishment,
where you can take
two bumps of ketamine, a hit of poppers,
and make sweet, passionate,
romantic love on or against the sink.
We've all been there.
We've all been there, but you don't
want to do it and I do. And that's...
That's the fundamental difference
between us.
Obviously, factory-default vaginas
are the divine gateway of life.
Our species could not exist without them.
I will never take that away from you,
because I don't want to.
And also,
there are plenty of things
an aftermarket vagina can do
that a stock vagina cannot,
like destroy the fabric
of Western civilization as we know it.
Only my pussy does that!
Only mine.
Only my pussy
can murder the little baby Jesus
before he even has a chance
to start an apocalyptic death cult
and ruin the world.
That's miracle pussy.
That is how I define good pussy.
I do also realize, of course, that
that last joke may offend some Christians,
and it is very important to me
that you know
that I don't care.
I have also, however, been informed
that it is apparently
socially unacceptable
to make fun of the shape
and/or size of a man's penis,
and that's going to be
a hard one for me to swallow, because...
if you've ever taken a dick or two,
from time to time...
And you don't have to take
both dicks at the same time.
We can't all be about that life.
But if you do happen to take
a dick or two,
from time to time you're going to meet
a kind, caring, compassionate man
whose dick is trash.
Like, in the bedroom.
In any other situation,
all penises are equal.
But in the bedroom, his is...
Lousy, bad, no good.
But he is still a good man.
You might even marry that good fella.
And on the other hand,
if you take enough dicks,
from time to time, you're going to meet
a man with a perfect dick.
The dick of legends.
The dick your mom told you about.
The dick that almost
made her leave your father.
Don't worry, we're all going
to split into small groups later
to process that information.
But for now, I regret to tell you that
that delectable specimen
of penile perfection
is all too often
attached to a giant sack of shit.
And that, dear friends,
brings us to the fundamental difference
between a transgender
and a non-transgender man.
'Cause if you meet a kind, caring,
compassionate transgender man,
he will take you to a store
to buy the dick of your choice.
As it turns out, that's what I wanted.
That's what I wanted the whole time.
Who knew? Who could've guessed?
Who could've guessed?
But here's the thing, ever since Adam
first gaslit Eve into taking the blame...
women like myself,
we've been down on our knees
begging God for an emotionally available,
financially stable man
with modular genitals.
Listen, I'm a busy woman. I am very busy.
I don't always have time
for a whole 30.48 centimeters.
And yes, that is correct.
I, an American, took the time
to do a metric conversion.
For one dick joke.
For the viewers at home, that's 12 inches.
Point being, I don't always
have time for all that. I really don't.
Also, I don't know how
the rest of you choose to live your lives,
but one of my favorite things
in the entire world
is pretending to choke on a man's dick.
And my least favorite thing
in the entire world
is choking on a dick.
And with that in mind, I'm going to help
everyone here with a penile partner
take your relationship
to the next level tonight.
Here's what you're going to do.
After the show, what you're gonna do is,
you're going to look your partner
in the eyes...
and you're gonna say,
"Nigga..."
I do need to warn you, of course,
if you or your partner are not Black,
this part's gonna be
extremely uncomfortable.
But you have to follow my instructions
to the letter. So...
So you're going to look your partner
in the eyes.
You're gonna say, "Nigga,
you got a tiny dick."
Now, if your partner gets
all huffy and offended,
acts like a little bitch about it,
I regret to tell you,
you got a tiny-dick nigga on your hands
who probably thinks "cisgender" is a slur.
But, on the other hand, if your partner
just shrugs it off, doesn't care at all,
that nigga's got a giant dick
in their soul.
You've been beautiful, I love you.
Good night!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Mx. Dahlia Belle!
[music ends]
We're all learning.
We are all learning.
When we were
putting this evening together,
it was very important to me
to really get
a wide spectrum of voices on stage.
Not just gender, but also geography
and tone and experience.
I really wanted to use this moment
to give an opportunity to a new performer,
because when you're genderqueer
in the comedy world,
stage time is not always safe time.
And I'm incredibly excited
to bring this next act,
uh, onto the stage to share with you.
Can we get some energy? Energy from you?
[crowd cheering]
Please make welcome to the stage
the wonderful, the singular
Krishna Istha!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Oh my God, hi.
I'm so excited to be here.
This is honestly such a huge opportunity,
so if I fuck this up...
and you don't find me
funny enough to laugh,
that's cool, don't worry about it.
My personal kink is humiliation,
so this is a win-win situation for me.
As a trans person, in the past,
some people would have said that I was
a man trapped inside a woman's body.
Never really identified with that.
Although, if you think about it,
we were all once trapped
inside a woman's body.
Actually, not all people
who give birth are women.
That was a test, and you all failed!
I'm so disappointed in this room. [tsks]
I've been on testosterone for 10 years.
And one of the side effects
of taking testosterone
is that you get the sudden urge
to try standup comedy.
Did you know the confidence you get
when you walk through the world as a man
is directly proportional to the confidence
you need to try standup comedy?
Which is probably why so many
mediocre white men think they can do it.
Someone once told me
when I first started standup
that it was very important
to define myself clearly straight away,
so that the audience
was open to listening to me.
Apparently all this,
it can be distracting from the "comedy."
But defining yourself is pretty hard
when you're an Indian-American
kinda Australian person living in Britain
who's a transmasculine,
non-binary, bisexual,
polyamorous, dyslexic performance artist!
[crowd cheering]
And there's nothing more confusing
than performance art.
I can't explain performance art
in five minutes, but I'll try!
I hope I fail. Humiliation... Mmm.
So performance art is on the same spectrum
as comedy and sex work.
Comedy and performance art
are exactly the same,
except for one small thing.
The intention with comedy
is for the audience to laugh.
The intention with performance art
is for the audience
to never laugh ever again.
Sex work and performance art
are also very similar.
Insertion of objects is industry standard.
Someone's always naked.
And someone's always thinking,
"When is this going to end?"
Speaking of "when this is going to end,"
I'm in a relationship.
No, he's really great, he's really good.
He's also trans, his name is Joseph.
Well, he's Joseph, but also a Mary.
He's from New Zealand, which is cute.
But his slang, it's a bit confusing.
For example, he says, "Yeah, nah."
The other day I asked,
"Want a cup of tea?"
And he said, "Yeah, nah."
"Nah, yeah? Nah."
Sorry, what is it? Is it a yes or no?
It's as confusing as the Indian head nod.
Pick a side.
Says the non-binary,
bisexual, polyamorous,
Libra rising, multi-hyphenated creative.
When my mum and my boyfriend first met,
they didn't get on.
We went out for breakfast,
and they just wouldn't make eye contact.
They wouldn't speak to each other
unless it was through me.
"Krishna, does your friend want water?"
"Krishna, does your friend
want more water?"
"'Friend'? How many times
do I have to tell you?"
"She's my mother."
It was humiliating.
They did speak to each other
directly once, though,
when my mom turned him and asked,
"Are you scared of me?"
And he went, "Yeah, nah."
"Nah. Should I be scared of you?"
And she went...
It's honestly so cute, though,
because they're best friends now.
It's adorable.
My mum is actually teaching him
how to speak Malayalam, my mother tongue,
and the other day
he came up to me and said...
[speaking Malayalam]
- Which translates to...
- [man laughing]
The one Malayali got it!
It translates to,
"I stupid, where is food, bitch?"
You've been amazing.
I'm Krishna Istha, thanks!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[Hannah] Krishna Istha!
[music ends]
It's been a pretty special evening, no?
That's it, you've got one more act.
This stage is about to be commanded.
They are not just gender-nonconforming,
they are genre non-conforming.
They are pushing the envelope
in all the right ways.
Please make welcome to the stage...
The biggest welcome
you can gather yourselves into,
for the one and only Alok!
- [crowd cheering loudly]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Hi.
I'm Alok.
And my preferred pronouns
are he-he, ha-ha.
Some of my best friends identify as
members of the cisgender
and heterosexual community,
and I know that you guys
are going through a lot right now.
That's why every morning
during my sun salutation,
I take a 15-second breath
to acknowledge how difficult it must be
for straight people to remember
how to use they/them pronouns for us.
Don't laugh.
It's one of the biggest issues
facing their community.
[crowd cheering]
I mean, his and her community.
I just wanted to begin tonight
by shouting out all the transphobic men
in the audience.
I see you,
and your uncomfortability is valid.
I understand that I put you
in a bit of a dilemma, right?
If you find yourself accidentally
laughing at one of my jokes tonight,
then you're officially endorsing
the transgender agenda.
And if you don't laugh,
then you're kind of affirming my gender.
Because women aren't funny, right?
Don't find me funny?
Well, thank you so much.
That is so sweet of you.
Thoughtful, really.
I feel so seen.
Laugh, even a chortle,
and the sound will automatically activate
a rainbow filter
on every one of your profile pictures.
Masculinity just is not the same anymore.
The transgender agenda has gone too far.
That's why, in my home state of Texas...
You might have heard of her.
...they're trying to ban books.
A conservative legislator
made a list of 850 books
he felt like were too inappropriate
for Texas public schools.
He included my book,
Beyond the Gender Binary, on the list.
So I had no choice
but to read the entire list myself.
And I was shocked to see
that Marie Kondo's...
Spark Joy
was not included.
I'm just trying
to get rid of gender norms.
She wants us to get rid of everything!
That's the collapse of civilization
as we know it.
The more that I read about
the gay agenda online,
the more alarmed I'm becoming
at how much more confident
straight people are
in our ability as gay people
to do anything.
"Causing natural disasters."
"Indoctrinating an entire generation."
Girl, that requires a lot of work,
and coordination, all right?
Like, our community evaporates
the moment we have to post a group photo.
Because we are arguing,
because we only want the photo
to be posted that we look best in.
All right?
How are we supposed to develop
a shared plan of attack?
In order to create an agenda,
we'd have to actually
be in touch with one another,
and that's proving to be
impossible these days.
One of the biggest issues
facing gay people
is unread emails.
We use the number of emails in our inbox
as a gender-neutral dick measuring contest
to compare how depressed we are.
Let's say that we did schedule
a meeting to discuss the gay agenda.
None of us would arrive at the same time,
because we believe that time is
an oppressive social construct.
Recently, I've been targeted by
one of the worst anti-trans policies.
Baggage weight restrictions
at the airport.
Twenty-three kg?
Are you kidding me?
Some dude-bro
came up with that arbitrary number,
and we need to be talking about it.
It's time to bring
the body-positive movement
to the baggage movement.
We are more than a number!
There's plenty of other criteria
we could be using here,
like how cute the outfits you packed are,
or the fact that you managed
to fit everything inside the suitcase,
which is not a given, it is a triumph.
So here I am, pulling up to the airport.
"Excuse me, sir."
"Your bag is overweight."
First of all,
if you're not even gonna count
my emotional baggage,
do you even see me?
Because I might be trans,
but I'm a water sign first.
Which means every interaction
with a stranger
is an opportunity for me
to process my feelings.
And I saw a sign here
that said, "Check in."
So what the fuck else
are we supposed to be doing here, ma'am?
Where else am I supposed to put
all the pain I have from being alive?
My therapist has been encouraging me
to speak my truth, so I'm gonna speak it.
You've been edging me all week.
I've been ignoring those emails,
like "48 hours until check-in."
"Just 12 more hours until you check in."
And I'm sitting at the back of
the gay agenda meeting, heavy breathing,
like, "Somebody finally cares
about my feelings?"
And I pull up here
only to get JetBlue-balled?
Are you kidding me?
Notice, when everyone else
is boarding the plane,
we transgenders are still
on the floor of the airport,
practicing the sacred transgender ritual
called repacking...
where we seek to make
the 78 kg bag transition
into 22.473628,
by wearing approximately 17 outfits
on the plane,
because we refuse
to compromise our glamour
in the face of attempted disappearance.
That, my friends,
is the transgender agenda.
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
- Alok!
- [music ends]
That brings us to the end, Allie Pallie.
Have you had a good night?
Say thank you to everyone you saw tonight.
Jes Tom, Chloe Petts,
Asha Ward, Krishna Istha,
Mx. Dahlia Belle, DeAnne Smith,
and Alok!
[crowd cheering loudly]
[upbeat music playing]
- [camera clicking]
- [music ends]
[upbeat music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Put your hands together
for your peerless host,
Hannah Gadsby!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music continues]
- Hello!
- [music ends]
Hello, thank you!
Thank you very much.
[Hannah giggles]
Well, my work here is done.
Thank you. Thank you so much,
London, you beautiful potatoes.
Look at you all. Big fan.
Hello, Alexandra Palace. Allie Pallie!
[crowd cheers]
The last time Netflix brought
this many trans people together
was for a protest, so...
Progress.
Progress.
Which is kind of why we're here.
There is a foundation myth
to this evening.
We all love a founding myth.
So I'll bring you in,
bring you into the loop.
A few years back, Netflix released
an incredibly transphobic comedy special
from one of their pet "edgelords," and...
There was a bit of a brouhaha
that followed.
A big, big, big, big brou-hou-haha.
And look, to be honest,
I didn't get involved to begin with.
I...
I... And I'm not... I'm not proud of this,
but I'm a bit of a cultural cuck,
you know?
I'm just like, "Oh no, you go ahead.
I'll be over here...
watching."
But then my name got brought into
the conversation, so I'm like, "Oh fuck."
So...
Look, what I did was
I penned a very strongly worded letter...
um, and I addressed it to, uh, Netflix.
It's called
biting the hand that feeds you, I believe.
Or punching up with your teeth,
which you don't normally get to do twice,
but I have a good dentist, so there we go.
Here we are.
So, look, I won't lie.
I came a bit strong out of the gate.
I addressed it
directly to my Netflix daddy.
I call him my Netflix daddy
because Netflix is like a family.
Once you're in the fold, it really is.
It does feel like a family,
a very big family.
And like most families,
they don't really like their queer kids.
I addressed it directly
to my Netflix daddy and I said,
"Fuck you, Ted."
It's a bit harsh, isn't it?
But in my defense,
I'm a Capricorn with a Piscean moon...
and a Cancer rising.
Which directly translates to autistic.
So I...
I don't always get the tone right.
In that letter, I made various points.
One of them is, I called Netflix
an amoral algorithm cult, which...
I stand by.
And then I mentioned in passing,
it was just a throwaway mention,
that I did shits
with more backbone than Ted.
Now...
Yeah.
You're encouraging me now, but,
you know, I just...
It probably wasn't the right tone.
But again, in my defense,
in my head, it was playful.
In my head,
I saw a jaunty little turd, you know?
With impossibly good posture,
possibly a top hat, you know?
Pure whimsy.
From my side, pure...
Did not translate. Um...
I finished the strongly worded letter
and then I posted it to Instagram.
Ooh. Like... Like, it wasn't...
I didn't think it would
blow up in my face there.
'Cause, like, I didn't phone him directly.
I didn't rock up to his house.
I wasn't challenging him to a duel.
Do you know what I... Like...
I didn't even post it to Twitter.
Do you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Twitter.
Twitter.
Twitter. Twitter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I will deadname that chum bucket.
Now I...
[audience laughing and cheering loudly]
[Hannah laughing]
It was just Instagram,
but the Russian media
picked it up and ran it.
I didn't read it.
Then something marvelous happened.
Somebody translated the Russian news story
back into English.
And my original words
did not survive that loop.
I no longer
did shits with more "backbone."
I shit...
with more "tenacity."
It's a very different image,
I think you'll agree. Like, it's...
It's no longer this, is it?
That is explosive diarrhea
as a bragging point.
And it does very much sound like
I was challenging him to a duel.
The other incredible thing
that came out of that brouhaha
was this evening. That's...
[crowd cheering]
Yes.
Netflix agreed to work with us
to build this evening
of a whole bunch of fabulous and diverse
genderqueer performers for this evening,
and I am incredibly excited
to bring this to you.
It won't fix it. It's not enough.
Just one night, like...
You know, come on, you don't
raze the Amazon and plant a tree.
Like, this is the carbon offset show,
you know what I mean? Like...
This evening we've got a whole range
of comics from all around the world,
all sorts of different styles.
It is a smorgasbord, and I am so excited
to share them all with you this evening.
Are you ready for that, Allie Pallie?
- [crowd cheering loudly]
- Yes, you are!
This first act has come all the way
from the other side of the pond,
but as an Australian,
I'm not that impressed.
But they've still made
more of an effort than you, so that's...
Please make welcome Jes Tom!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Oh my God, what's up, London?
How are you feeling?
Wow. Wow, my name is Jes Tom.
I'm trans. Can you tell?
Don't answer that!
That was a test, you're passing. Am I?
Stupid.
I am about to hit four years
on testosterone, which explains why...
[crowd whooping]
Which explains why I have
the mustache of a school bully.
I started testosterone
right before the pandemic,
so it was a long, long time
of being alone in my room,
just staring at my one neck hair.
I've been thinking lately, like,
what if I never grow a beard, just one
long hair that grows longer and longer?
You can see it from the back of the room.
Something that happens when you're
on testosterone is you get very horny.
Which is funny because I already thought
before that I was already horny enough.
But I shattered that glass ceiling.
I did. I did.
You can clap for that.
- [crowd cheering]
- [Jes] Mm. Mm.
Lesser-known fact
about testosterone is that
testosterone can change
people's sexual orientation,
because sometimes
God likes to play a trick.
So after an entire lifetime
of being a practicing lesbian,
for the first time ever,
I find myself attracted to men.
- [crowd] Ooh.
- [shudders]
I love how no matter
who's in the audience,
gay, straight, bi, cis, trans,
everyone's like, "Oh, that's bad."
Everyone's like, "Are you okay?"
It is crazy going from being a lesbian
to being attracted to men.
I do feel testosterone flipped a switch
in my brain,
because before,
men just looked like big rectangles to me.
And now I think
rectangles are really sexy.
So I'm in this interesting moment
in my life, coming into my sexual peak,
both as a 16-year-old boy
and a 30-year-old woman.
I'm in my DTF era, that's "Dyke To Fag."
Yeah.
People taking a second to decide
which part of that it's okay to laugh at.
And I'm learning a lot.
You know, lesbians and gay men
are extremely culturally different.
Like, gay men love musicals,
lesbians love trauma.
And ne'er the twain shall meet.
I have to learn a lot.
I have to learn to be gay-man hot,
and it's hard.
It's hard. Okay,
are there gay men in this room?
Oh my God.
Not enough for you to be safe to cheer.
It's very hard to be gay-man hot.
It's much harder to be gay-man hot
than it is to be lesbian hot.
I'm not saying lesbians aren't hot.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying lesbians are more open-minded.
Yeah, you know, like as a lesbian,
the hottest thing I can do
is know my time and place of birth.
Maybe have played piano as a child,
really worked out that...
muscle memory.
To be gay-man hot,
you have to be a cisgender man
also on testosterone.
I'm like, "Doesn't anyone
want to see my charts?"
"Doesn't anyone care
I'm a Capricorn stellium
in the 10th house of the public eye?"
"That used to mean something
where I came from."
Those credits do not transfer over.
I'm learning that sexting with men
is very different from sexting with women.
And if it's weird to you that I,
a non-binary person,
am doing these "men are like this,
women are like this" type jokes,
just assume everything
I'm about to say is wrong.
Okay. That being said,
sexting with women, it's a craft.
It's got three-act structure.
It's Aristotelian,
it's got narrative development,
it's got character arc.
We grow in the same direction.
We're different afterwards.
We've changed together.
It's beautiful.
Sexting with men is like a child's
flashcard with a picture of an apple
that says "apple" underneath.
But instead of an apple,
it's a dick, and not like...
not like a nice, clear dick,
like a dark room, backlit,
with the pilly sweatpants and the flash.
Men can't read, is what I'm saying.
They cannot read. [chuckles]
I'm learning gender is very arbitrary.
It's based on arbitrary things I do.
Like, um, I'm a man if I wear a hat,
I'm a woman
if I order a hibiscus iced tea.
I get in these awkward situations.
Using the public restroom is a mess.
I have to do all this gender math.
What am I wearing on my head?
What did I order at the cafe?
Controversial statement,
I still prefer to use the women's restroom
because I'm not an animal.
You know?
I'm not... I'm not...
I'm not a beast.
I'm not a creature.
I don't wanna go in the men's restroom
and use that haunted stall in the back.
I don't need to know
what those walls have seen.
Like, that's not part of my journey.
I prefer to use the women's restroom,
and what I do is...
I do still wear a mask in public a lot
because I care about public health
and I'm sick of people
falling in love with me everywhere I go.
It's a burden. You wouldn't understand.
And recently I was at a movie premiere,
brag, and...
I was not in the movie.
My job right now is to show up places
where more famous people are
and be like, "And me!"
"Hannah Gadsby..."
So I was at this movie premiere.
I went to use the women's restroom,
and a security guard steps in front of me
and goes, "Excuse me."
"This is the girls' room."
And I was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry,
I did not realize you were an ally."
"Oh, I had no idea."
"Some cops are good..."
No, I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine?
Do you ever get policed so hard
your identity gets affirmed?
Pretty interesting.
Guys, I'm Jes Tom. Thank you so much.
You've been amazing.
- Thank you.
- [crowd cheering loudly]
Jes Tom!
- Yes!
- [crowd cheering]
Okay, the next performer,
I'm fairly certain most of you know her.
She's a powerhouse of talent,
but it is my hope that a lot more people
will know her and love her.
She's incredible.
Chloe Petts!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Hello!
How's everyone doing?
Yes!
Oh my gosh, it's so lovely to be here.
My name is Chloe. I'm extraordinarily gay.
Thank you, and whoever cheered, fantastic.
The rest of you homophobes, that's fine.
Where are all my gays at?
A worryingly strong contingent.
Where are my straights at?
No, you sound much more ashamed.
Correct.
No, I love having straight people in.
Welcome, so nice to have you here.
I like to... Well, it's nice to be able to
sort of share our culture with you guys.
Teach you some lingo.
My lingo, very simple.
I'm a masculine lesbian,
very easy for you to understand.
All that means is that I get myself into
sort of socially awkward situations.
For example, I went into a hotel.
The hotel assistant said,
"How can I help you, sir?"
And I said, "Listen, babes." [chuckles]
"Don't be embarrassed,
happens all the time. It's madam."
And he goes,
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, sir."
But I love it. It's amazing.
It's great because I now get access
to an amazing little thing,
a wonderful little thing
called male privilege.
It's good shit, isn't it, sir?
It's lovely.
Give me one of them. Come on.
Jesus fucking Christ...
Returned the fist bump,
massive misogynist.
No, I now know
that I've got my own privilege
'cause I get access to the greatest term
of endearment in the English language.
Cis femme ladies in the room, I'm sorry
you're never gonna experience this.
The greatest term of endearment
in the English language is this one.
Walk into the chicken shop, vendor says,
"What can I get for you, boss man?"
[crowd cheering]
No wonder you boys are fucking confident.
I walk out of there feeling like
the CEO of my own goddamn life.
Sometimes I go to the shop. They go,
"What can I get you, boss man?"
I go, "Nothing, I'm vegetarian."
"You've given me everything I need.
Thank you."
I am a vegetarian. Do we have any in?
Very proud one at the front.
Any vegans?
Okay, that's lovely.
There's probably more,
they're just too weak to cheer.
And where are my meat eaters at?
Yeah, that's right.
That's the sound of protein.
I... I love you guys.
I wish I was one of you,
'cause I am a vegetarian that does eat,
uh, meat.
What happens is, once every three months,
I'll just have a tiny little bit of meat,
just try a tiny little piece of meat,
just to see if it tastes
nicer than the climate.
But this makes people angry,
'cause they want you
to be morally consistent.
They want you to be one thing,
they want to categorize you.
So they'll be like,
"You're not vegetarian then."
"At best, you're a flexitarian.
You're a flexitarian, Chloe."
What I say to these very angry,
belligerent people is this.
I spent my late teens, early twenties,
trying a penis once a financial quarter.
Did not make me straight.
It's the same principle.
You wouldn't go around calling me
a homoflexual, would you?
I...
It's sort of difficult to know
about my gender identity.
'Cause now that I've got male privilege,
I worry that I am gonna be
accidentally toxic towards women.
No, sit down! Sit down!
Mate, that was a test, and you fucked it.
Big puppy dog vibes over here.
No, my gender identity,
it's difficult to know.
I'd say the place I feel most comfortable
and most myself in all of the world
is on the wedding dance floor.
That's 'cause my favorite
mode of transport is via knee slide,
surrounded by unprecedented
levels of cleavage. I just love it.
But the world out there's chaotic.
It's difficult to know who I am.
I largely identify as a woman,
but it can be confusing.
On a wedding dance floor,
I know with 100% certainty
that I identify as a man
with a tie on his head.
It's just who I am.
I fucking love weddings so much,
particularly straight weddings.
They're so good, because I feel like
I become the hero of the straight wedding.
And I know technically
that should be the bride, but...
Something about being the only woman
that walks into the space in a men's suit
makes those straighties think
you're the most interesting person
they've ever met in their life.
The women are coming up to you like,
"I had a sexual experience
with a woman once."
The men walk past like,
"I bet she's got some cracking
pale ale recommendations."
It's not just the adults
that get interested in me.
It's the kids too. The kids are
the first people to get interested in me.
You have that moment
at a wedding in the afternoon
where all the parents
have got absolutely wankered,
and the kids are just
running around lawlessly.
They're feral,
it's like Lord of the Flies.
They're snorting lines of sherbet.
Shots of SunnyD through their eyeballs.
They've gone absolutely wild.
And at that moment,
there becomes this power vacuum
that any adult can step into if they wish,
and become king of the children.
It is very easy to become
king of the children.
They're easy to impress.
Show them Candy Crush on your phone,
they are following you around
like you're the Pied Piper.
You've got this gang of children to do
your bidding, to do whatever you like.
So I get them to sort of stockpile
all the party poppers for later use.
You know, hold my beer
while I'm doing the Macarena.
Sometimes I'll get them in a minivan
to go see Frozen: The Musical
so it doesn't look weird
that I've gone on my own again.
But then they all go to bed,
and the next people to get interested
in me at the wedding are the straight men,
'cause they've seen the fun the kids
are having and they want in on the action.
Because, you know, what are men
if not children that got big?
And then all the straight blokes,
they all sort of, like, circle me
like a YO! Sushi conveyor belt.
And I can pluck off whichever I wish.
It's never a good quality of man.
It's always just, like,
some guy called Josh who's like,
"My name's Josh,
my main interests are finance, Bitcoin,
and wearing no socks
with my trainers and loafers."
And I'll go, "Hey, Josh,
nice to meet you mate, you all right?"
And Josh, who'll be the most boring man
you've ever met in your life,
100% of the time,
he'll introduce you to his girlfriend
who is the most stunning,
talented, beautiful woman
you've ever seen in your life.
I'm looking at her like, "Blink twice
if you need me to get you out of this."
"There's a whole community of lesbians
that I can take you to."
"It will be an honor and a privilege."
I'm like, "What is it
that you even like about Josh?"
She'll be like, "I dunno, he's sweet.
He always remembers my mum's birthday."
I'll be like, "The lesbians could do that,
and give you an orgasm too. Come with me."
I've realized,
with much experience at weddings,
why the straight men love me so much,
and it's because I'm useful to them
during the bouquet throw.
We all know the bouquet throw.
I'm going to explain it in case there are
people with cultural differences.
The bouquet throw is the bit
where all the unmarried women
gather on the wedding dance floor.
The bride stands in front of them,
her back to them.
She'll throw her bouquet of flowers
into the sea of unmarried women.
Whichever one catches it first
is the next one to be sold off.
Obviously I'm fucking incredible
at the bouquet throw.
I'm massive,
I've got a thirst for straight blood.
Last year I went to three weddings,
I caught five bouquets.
I wish you could see it.
I let the unmarried women
go ahead of me to the dance floor,
and they gather, they congregate,
and it's all bristling with tension.
They're going,
"I wonder which one of us it's gonna be."
"I really hope it's me."
"I've been practicing
in the garden all year."
And then I'll stomp on.
Prosecco glasses start shaking.
Nana starts crying.
One of the unmarried women's going,
"You sure you're in the right category?"
[giggling nervously]
I'm going, "Yep.
Throw my fucking flowers."
The bride will throw the flowers,
and all the straight men I've befriended
will flock around me
and lift me like a rugby line-out.
You've been absolutely amazing.
I'm Chloe Petts. Good night, thank you!
- [crowd cheering loudly]
- [upbeat music playing]
Yeah.
Chloe Petts!
- [music ends]
- Yes!
Indeed!
See what I'm talking about?
You're a bit keen, mate.
[Hannah snickers]
I need you all to know, he's not a plant.
Like, just... keen.
Your name...
Your name's not Josh, is it?
- Yes, yeah, that's it.
- [crowd cheering]
All right.
Next, we have
an amazing performer from New York.
Understated magnificence.
Please get that energy going
for Asha Ward!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Whoa, what's up, London?
[crowd whooping]
This is cool, it's awesome to be here.
[scattered whoops followed by laughter]
I'm not going to lie,
I got too high before this.
So it's feeling crazy to me.
But you guys like weed though, right?
You guys smoke weed here.
[crowd whooping]
I love weed, but I feel like
it's time for me to cut back
the amount of weed I'm smoking.
'Cause I feel like the amount of weed
I'm smoking is making me, uh, stupid.
The other day, my friend was telling me
about their struggle with body dysmorphia,
and I was like, "Aw, lucky."
I was like, "Aw, lucky,
you could rob a bank with that."
That's what I said.
Apparently body dysmorphia
is not what it sounds like.
I thought they were telling me
they were a shape-shifter.
I was like, "Damn, that's great news."
No, but I really have cut back
the amount of weed I'm smoking.
And it's cool. Like, I've had
the motivation to do so much more
ketamine.
I love ketamine.
I can't keep ketamine
or Pop-Tarts in the house.
Now, instead of saying
I'm addicted to something,
I'm just saying,
"Oh, I can't keep that in the house."
I knew I was doing too many nose drugs
when I started saying shit like,
"They need to start making cocaine
for plus-sized people."
I was unemployed for a while,
believe it or not.
I'd reach the deepest level
of unemployment,
and that's when you start
making beats on your computer.
And then after a while,
they start sounding good.
It's wild 'cause I, like, got into
music production by way of Four Loko.
If you don't know,
that's an alcohol for people
who don't really care about life or death.
You ever get so drunk
you open up GarageBand, fuck around,
make some shit that sound like Avicii?
That's what I was doing.
I had so much free time, it was crazy.
I, like, signed up for a kickboxing class.
I had to immediately quit.
'Cause, like,
a fully grown man beat my ass.
I was like,
"Damn, that doesn't feel legal."
"That feels really illegal."
It's crazy.
I used to work at a pediatric dentistry.
What if I was like,
"And I was the dentist"?
No, just kidding. I worked the front desk,
like a normal person.
I like to hit my dab pen there.
There's something about getting high
and watching kids go to the dentist.
It's like watching a nature documentary.
But I knew I wasn't going to last
for very long at that job,
'cause, well, one day I got an email
with the subject line "fax machine."
All caps.
So I click on it.
I'm like, "What could it be?"
It's just one sentence.
Uh, "Who got butter in the fax machine?"
I've yet to confess,
but my previous employers know
I'm the only one who worked there
that's not afraid to eat crab legs
in professional settings.
It's not looking good for me.
Before that, I used to teach improv
at a Jewish summer camp,
which is wild,
'cause I don't do improv
and I'm not Jewish.
That's the power of networking.
My dad is also gay,
which is very nuanced of me, I know.
We're the only two gay people
in the family,
so it feels like we're coworkers.
You know?
I've only dated one man,
and when he cheated on me,
I pretended to be mad about it.
I was like,
"You're gonna be in big trouble, mister."
I'm also just, like,
bad at dating in general,
because I'm bad at flirting,
especially like by text.
'Cause I'm just so excited
that whoever I'm into is also into me.
I remember one time
I was texting this girl I like.
She texted me,
told me she wanted to give me head.
I was like, "My God, that's great news."
"I gotta go tell my family."
I'm also, like,
bad at giving dating advice,
'cause I'm crazy.
Like one time my friend told me,
she was like,
"The guy I like hasn't texted me back,
but he's active on Instagram."
I was like, "Man, that's crazy."
"Have you tried
reaching out to his mother?"
"She know where he at."
"Send her ass a DM on Candy Crush."
You know?
You know what's embarrassing
that shouldn't be embarrassing?
Taking deep breaths.
You ever had somebody walk in on you
while you were taking some deep breaths?
Especially if they catch you on an exhale.
Like, why does it feel like
you just saw my butthole?
That's insane.
I've also been getting drunk more often,
but not in the unhealthy way, you know?
Like, in the fun way, right?
Like, by myself.
And it's wild 'cause I, like, have a dog.
I can't walk the dog while I'm drunk.
It's too much.
I start swinging her shit like a purse.
She starts barking at people.
I start yelling at them too.
Like, "Fuck it, who we mad at?"
Thank you, my name's Asha Ward.
[crowd cheering]
[Hannah] Give it up one more time
for Asha Ward!
[upbeat music playing]
I'm incredibly excited
to bring this next performer out.
Please welcome to the stage DeAnne Smith!
[music ends]
Yes. Yes, let's get straight into it.
[scattered whooping]
Guys, I think it's weird
that Russians are so anti-gay.
I mean, they invented the concept
of a woman
inside a woman,
inside a woman,
inside...
I knew you would get it.
I didn't even have to do
the hand gestures. Good work!
Okay. First joke is out there.
This is good. Things are going well.
I, uh...
[groans] I struggle with anxiety, guys.
That's happening for me all the time.
It's happening in this moment.
But I'm also...
I don't want to say that anymore
because it sounds so negative.
I wanna rebrand it.
I don't wanna say "struggle" anymore.
If you have that problem,
do what I'm trying to do.
From now on,
I don't say, "I struggle with anxiety."
I say, "My mind
sparkles with imaginary danger."
It's powerful,
it's magical, it's mysterious.
And I tend to set the stakes
for everything that I do way too high.
Like, right now I feel crushed
by the responsibility
of having a microphone
at this moment in history.
Anything less than
calling for global revolution
feels a bit self-indulgent,
you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Okay, we're all on board.
I hope we all agree
what that means when I say that.
It's like, what am I going to do,
talk about boobs?
I got top surgery not that long ago.
- I am!
- [crowd cheering]
Sure, thank you!
And if you don't know what that means,
that means that I used to have boobs,
and then through no fault of their own,
I got 'em gone.
And people like to celebrate that,
but I didn't do
a good thing for us collectively.
I did a very selfish thing.
Right now in this room,
we are down
one sick rack.
I did that to us, you guys, I did that.
We need every bit of joy
we can get in this world,
and I yoinked it...
I yoinked it away from us.
And for what?
I'm not gonna transition.
This is it.
This is the final form.
Just this weird little guy.
[crowd whooping]
Yeah, sure. All right. All right!
[crowd cheering]
Don't...
Calm down, lesbians, I...
But weird little guy is my gender identity
and you must respect it.
I've been getting they/them'd
against my will since 2005, all right?
I feel beyond the conversation
that's happening.
I'm just trying to have fun with it,
but not everybody is.
I met somebody that was like,
"Hi, I'm Jess. She/her."
Very sincere.
And I answered,
"DeAnne. Weird little guy."
And then I got to see Jess melt down.
Jess was like, "Weird little guy, okay.
Gotta remember it and respect it."
You don't.
We don't have to respect everything
the they/thems are doing, you guys.
I've made some wild choices.
During top surgery,
I opted for no nipples.
Did you even know you could do that?
I stand before you nipple-less.
Here's the thing.
During the surgery, they come off.
They're off. They're over there.
And then they want to reshape them
into "man nipples."
I don't know what that means.
Better paid?
What is it...
What's a...
Man nipples, they just
absolutely dominate a conversation.
Like, what...
Man nipples. I don't need man nipples.
That's not the energy.
I want my gender to be
almost the same exact feeling you get
when you look at the word
"zucchini" spelled out.
I just want you to go...
"Is that right?"
"It's kind of cool though.
C-C-H right in the middle."
"Not a lot of things are doing that."
"Maybe it's Italian." I...
Do me a favor just for a minute.
Please just indulge me.
All I'm asking is that
you think about your own nipples.
Just think about your own nipples.
And I don't know your lives.
Maybe you came to a comedy show tonight
to forget about your nipples,
just to be free of the burden,
but think about them.
They look weird, right? They look weird.
They look weird.
They're weird looking. They look weird.
And you don't need nipples, you guys.
You don't need them.
It's just what the people at Big Nip
want you to think, but you don't...
You don't need...
Listen, I like talking about this stuff
because I would hope that maybe
you would feel a little bit empowered
and just remember
that your body is your own, you know?
In a room this size,
there has to be somebody
who's wavering on a haircut or thinking
about getting a tattoo or something.
I would just say,
go ahead and do it, you fucking pussies.
I have... I have no nipples right now.
Do you understand that?
Do you understand
that I have zero nipples?
No nipples.
When I take off my shirt,
it looks like I'm just wearing
another flesh-colored shirt.
Like, it's weird. It's weird.
You'll know something's off,
but you might not know what right away.
You'll just be like,
"Did you shave your eyebrows?"
It has that energy.
When I'm cold, you'll never even know.
I could...
I have left open the possibility.
I could get tattoos later on.
Visually, if it needs it,
I could get tattoos.
My best idea right now
is a QR code.
Scan it, and it goes
to an NFT of my old nipple.
Is that fun?
It's just spinning, disembodied.
What an incredible image
to place in your minds.
Okay, before I go,
I want to take this opportunity to say,
if you don't believe me
about the sick rack,
there is photographic evidence.
And you can email me...
That's "sick" with three I's,
and I'm dead serious.
Thank you.
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[Hannah] DeAnne Smith!
Yeah!
[music ends]
Absolutely!
It... It was a sick rack.
I miss it.
I'm personally quite excited about
the new conversation around gender.
I like that there's a lot more variety
of ways to identify,
'cause it felt a bit
claustrophobic for me in the past.
I still don't... I still don't know what...
[grumbling]
Haven't picked a team. Um...
You know, "gender-fluid," but also... [gags]
But, you know?
It's...
That's a me thing.
"Non-binary" works, kind of, in theory,
but the term "non-binary" distresses me.
Because to define yourself
by something you are not...
is the cornerstone of binary thinking.
And...
If I was to make up a gender for myself,
it would be gender-surprised.
Because it doesn't matter
how people gender me.
I get the whole set every day, you know?
She/her, he/him, they/them, every day.
Do you know? And, like...
And none of them offend me,
but all of them surprise me.
They... It's...
So I'm like, "Okay, no, I'll have a go."
Every interaction with a stranger
is like a tiny gender reveal party for me.
I'm just not attached to the bits at all.
Like, but also, that goes beyond
the sexual bits.
All of my bits.
I've had my tonsils out, I've had...
I don't care. I don't.
I've never thought of them since.
I've had my appendix out.
My gall bladder, fuck off! Like, it's...
If someone told me tomorrow
I have to have my uterus out,
don't care. Throw it on the heap.
I'll hang onto
the bottle opener though, 'cause...
I get...
I get a lot of use out of that. I...
I think it's adorable
how so many men are all of a sudden
very concerned about women's sport.
That's... new.
That's real new.
Like, the idea that men
are transitioning to become women
so they can dominate women's sports.
Like, you know, picking up all those
amazing perks you get in women's sports.
All those perks!
All those perks like...
Women get all the perks in women's...
They get kisses and everything. Who...
Who wouldn't want a kiss?
Her, apparently. Ungrateful.
I think it's really disingenuous,
you know,
'cause in 2012,
a horse
won Australia's Sportswoman of the Year.
Fucking horse!
Don't worry about chromosomes,
that bitch has four legs...
and is also a horse!
Very excited to bring
this next guest out in front of you.
All the way from, Portland, Oregon,
Mx. Dahlia Belle!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
- Thank you.
- [music ends]
Thank you so much.
You're all so kind.
I do apologize right up front
because I know our time together
is very brief this evening,
but I am under contractual obligation
to let you know that I know
the difference between myself
and a non-transgender woman.
And I'm very careful
to always say "non-transgender,"
because I've been informed
that "cisgender" is considered a slur...
by people who don't understand
how slurs work.
Throughout my life,
I have been called a great many things
of which I have not been
particularly fond.
But only a select few
have actually qualified as slurs.
Like back when I was in school,
kids used to call me a butt pirate.
And that one's kind of cute.
I'm not mad at it, I'm really not.
Although I will admit
I do personally prefer
"booty bandit" or "bum burglar,"
but we can't all be great writers,
now, can we?
All the same... All the same,
the day an unprovoked gang
of nigger tranny fags
hurl bricks at someone
while shouting "cisgender,"
it will be a slur.
Until that day, however,
people are just being
whiny little bitches about an adjective.
[crowd cheering]
It's gonna be all right. It will be okay.
And here's how I know
it's going to be okay,
'cause how would we even know
someone isn't transgender? How?
Trans people, we're not really known
for trying to inspect everyone's genitals.
That is strictly
a straight people pastime.
We... We don't care. [tittering]
All the same, I know how important it is
for you to know that I know
that hundreds of years from now,
assuming we haven't
all killed ourselves off,
were someone to dig up my remains
for some inexplicable reason,
they would be able to determine
that I had been born male
and lived my life as a woman,
because that's how archaeology works.
Also,
I'll be dead.
So dysphorian misgendering
won't really matter at that point.
But what I know that you might not know
is that I intend to be cremated,
so none of that shit matters.
True story. [tittering]
But in the meantime,
right here and now in the present tense,
I still need you to know that I know
I will never ovulate,
I will never menstruate,
I will never get pregnant,
I will never give birth.
I just get a vagina with none of
the obstacles or inconveniences.
[crowd laughing and cheering]
It's fine. That's fine. I'm fine with it.
I'm not trying to do extra labor.
I'm an underachiever.
But there are people that genuinely
do believe that I'm trying to steal
the entire concept of womanhood
away from them,
when in reality, all I actually want to do
is take very specific aspects of womanhood
off your hands.
And as far as I can tell,
it's shit you don't even want.
You know, things like being infantilized,
being objectified, dehumanized,
and awkwardly propositioned
by a man who's not actually your type,
but you are at the peak of a dry spell,
and you did leave the house
without panties on, just in case.
An adequate, by which I mean consenting,
man might sweep you off your feet
and into the single-occupancy,
gender-neutral restroom
of your preferred brunch establishment,
where you can take
two bumps of ketamine, a hit of poppers,
and make sweet, passionate,
romantic love on or against the sink.
We've all been there.
We've all been there, but you don't
want to do it and I do. And that's...
That's the fundamental difference
between us.
Obviously, factory-default vaginas
are the divine gateway of life.
Our species could not exist without them.
I will never take that away from you,
because I don't want to.
And also,
there are plenty of things
an aftermarket vagina can do
that a stock vagina cannot,
like destroy the fabric
of Western civilization as we know it.
Only my pussy does that!
Only mine.
Only my pussy
can murder the little baby Jesus
before he even has a chance
to start an apocalyptic death cult
and ruin the world.
That's miracle pussy.
That is how I define good pussy.
I do also realize, of course, that
that last joke may offend some Christians,
and it is very important to me
that you know
that I don't care.
I have also, however, been informed
that it is apparently
socially unacceptable
to make fun of the shape
and/or size of a man's penis,
and that's going to be
a hard one for me to swallow, because...
if you've ever taken a dick or two,
from time to time...
And you don't have to take
both dicks at the same time.
We can't all be about that life.
But if you do happen to take
a dick or two,
from time to time you're going to meet
a kind, caring, compassionate man
whose dick is trash.
Like, in the bedroom.
In any other situation,
all penises are equal.
But in the bedroom, his is...
Lousy, bad, no good.
But he is still a good man.
You might even marry that good fella.
And on the other hand,
if you take enough dicks,
from time to time, you're going to meet
a man with a perfect dick.
The dick of legends.
The dick your mom told you about.
The dick that almost
made her leave your father.
Don't worry, we're all going
to split into small groups later
to process that information.
But for now, I regret to tell you that
that delectable specimen
of penile perfection
is all too often
attached to a giant sack of shit.
And that, dear friends,
brings us to the fundamental difference
between a transgender
and a non-transgender man.
'Cause if you meet a kind, caring,
compassionate transgender man,
he will take you to a store
to buy the dick of your choice.
As it turns out, that's what I wanted.
That's what I wanted the whole time.
Who knew? Who could've guessed?
Who could've guessed?
But here's the thing, ever since Adam
first gaslit Eve into taking the blame...
women like myself,
we've been down on our knees
begging God for an emotionally available,
financially stable man
with modular genitals.
Listen, I'm a busy woman. I am very busy.
I don't always have time
for a whole 30.48 centimeters.
And yes, that is correct.
I, an American, took the time
to do a metric conversion.
For one dick joke.
For the viewers at home, that's 12 inches.
Point being, I don't always
have time for all that. I really don't.
Also, I don't know how
the rest of you choose to live your lives,
but one of my favorite things
in the entire world
is pretending to choke on a man's dick.
And my least favorite thing
in the entire world
is choking on a dick.
And with that in mind, I'm going to help
everyone here with a penile partner
take your relationship
to the next level tonight.
Here's what you're going to do.
After the show, what you're gonna do is,
you're going to look your partner
in the eyes...
and you're gonna say,
"Nigga..."
I do need to warn you, of course,
if you or your partner are not Black,
this part's gonna be
extremely uncomfortable.
But you have to follow my instructions
to the letter. So...
So you're going to look your partner
in the eyes.
You're gonna say, "Nigga,
you got a tiny dick."
Now, if your partner gets
all huffy and offended,
acts like a little bitch about it,
I regret to tell you,
you got a tiny-dick nigga on your hands
who probably thinks "cisgender" is a slur.
But, on the other hand, if your partner
just shrugs it off, doesn't care at all,
that nigga's got a giant dick
in their soul.
You've been beautiful, I love you.
Good night!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Mx. Dahlia Belle!
[music ends]
We're all learning.
We are all learning.
When we were
putting this evening together,
it was very important to me
to really get
a wide spectrum of voices on stage.
Not just gender, but also geography
and tone and experience.
I really wanted to use this moment
to give an opportunity to a new performer,
because when you're genderqueer
in the comedy world,
stage time is not always safe time.
And I'm incredibly excited
to bring this next act,
uh, onto the stage to share with you.
Can we get some energy? Energy from you?
[crowd cheering]
Please make welcome to the stage
the wonderful, the singular
Krishna Istha!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Oh my God, hi.
I'm so excited to be here.
This is honestly such a huge opportunity,
so if I fuck this up...
and you don't find me
funny enough to laugh,
that's cool, don't worry about it.
My personal kink is humiliation,
so this is a win-win situation for me.
As a trans person, in the past,
some people would have said that I was
a man trapped inside a woman's body.
Never really identified with that.
Although, if you think about it,
we were all once trapped
inside a woman's body.
Actually, not all people
who give birth are women.
That was a test, and you all failed!
I'm so disappointed in this room. [tsks]
I've been on testosterone for 10 years.
And one of the side effects
of taking testosterone
is that you get the sudden urge
to try standup comedy.
Did you know the confidence you get
when you walk through the world as a man
is directly proportional to the confidence
you need to try standup comedy?
Which is probably why so many
mediocre white men think they can do it.
Someone once told me
when I first started standup
that it was very important
to define myself clearly straight away,
so that the audience
was open to listening to me.
Apparently all this,
it can be distracting from the "comedy."
But defining yourself is pretty hard
when you're an Indian-American
kinda Australian person living in Britain
who's a transmasculine,
non-binary, bisexual,
polyamorous, dyslexic performance artist!
[crowd cheering]
And there's nothing more confusing
than performance art.
I can't explain performance art
in five minutes, but I'll try!
I hope I fail. Humiliation... Mmm.
So performance art is on the same spectrum
as comedy and sex work.
Comedy and performance art
are exactly the same,
except for one small thing.
The intention with comedy
is for the audience to laugh.
The intention with performance art
is for the audience
to never laugh ever again.
Sex work and performance art
are also very similar.
Insertion of objects is industry standard.
Someone's always naked.
And someone's always thinking,
"When is this going to end?"
Speaking of "when this is going to end,"
I'm in a relationship.
No, he's really great, he's really good.
He's also trans, his name is Joseph.
Well, he's Joseph, but also a Mary.
He's from New Zealand, which is cute.
But his slang, it's a bit confusing.
For example, he says, "Yeah, nah."
The other day I asked,
"Want a cup of tea?"
And he said, "Yeah, nah."
"Nah, yeah? Nah."
Sorry, what is it? Is it a yes or no?
It's as confusing as the Indian head nod.
Pick a side.
Says the non-binary,
bisexual, polyamorous,
Libra rising, multi-hyphenated creative.
When my mum and my boyfriend first met,
they didn't get on.
We went out for breakfast,
and they just wouldn't make eye contact.
They wouldn't speak to each other
unless it was through me.
"Krishna, does your friend want water?"
"Krishna, does your friend
want more water?"
"'Friend'? How many times
do I have to tell you?"
"She's my mother."
It was humiliating.
They did speak to each other
directly once, though,
when my mom turned him and asked,
"Are you scared of me?"
And he went, "Yeah, nah."
"Nah. Should I be scared of you?"
And she went...
It's honestly so cute, though,
because they're best friends now.
It's adorable.
My mum is actually teaching him
how to speak Malayalam, my mother tongue,
and the other day
he came up to me and said...
[speaking Malayalam]
- Which translates to...
- [man laughing]
The one Malayali got it!
It translates to,
"I stupid, where is food, bitch?"
You've been amazing.
I'm Krishna Istha, thanks!
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[Hannah] Krishna Istha!
[music ends]
It's been a pretty special evening, no?
That's it, you've got one more act.
This stage is about to be commanded.
They are not just gender-nonconforming,
they are genre non-conforming.
They are pushing the envelope
in all the right ways.
Please make welcome to the stage...
The biggest welcome
you can gather yourselves into,
for the one and only Alok!
- [crowd cheering loudly]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Hi.
I'm Alok.
And my preferred pronouns
are he-he, ha-ha.
Some of my best friends identify as
members of the cisgender
and heterosexual community,
and I know that you guys
are going through a lot right now.
That's why every morning
during my sun salutation,
I take a 15-second breath
to acknowledge how difficult it must be
for straight people to remember
how to use they/them pronouns for us.
Don't laugh.
It's one of the biggest issues
facing their community.
[crowd cheering]
I mean, his and her community.
I just wanted to begin tonight
by shouting out all the transphobic men
in the audience.
I see you,
and your uncomfortability is valid.
I understand that I put you
in a bit of a dilemma, right?
If you find yourself accidentally
laughing at one of my jokes tonight,
then you're officially endorsing
the transgender agenda.
And if you don't laugh,
then you're kind of affirming my gender.
Because women aren't funny, right?
Don't find me funny?
Well, thank you so much.
That is so sweet of you.
Thoughtful, really.
I feel so seen.
Laugh, even a chortle,
and the sound will automatically activate
a rainbow filter
on every one of your profile pictures.
Masculinity just is not the same anymore.
The transgender agenda has gone too far.
That's why, in my home state of Texas...
You might have heard of her.
...they're trying to ban books.
A conservative legislator
made a list of 850 books
he felt like were too inappropriate
for Texas public schools.
He included my book,
Beyond the Gender Binary, on the list.
So I had no choice
but to read the entire list myself.
And I was shocked to see
that Marie Kondo's...
Spark Joy
was not included.
I'm just trying
to get rid of gender norms.
She wants us to get rid of everything!
That's the collapse of civilization
as we know it.
The more that I read about
the gay agenda online,
the more alarmed I'm becoming
at how much more confident
straight people are
in our ability as gay people
to do anything.
"Causing natural disasters."
"Indoctrinating an entire generation."
Girl, that requires a lot of work,
and coordination, all right?
Like, our community evaporates
the moment we have to post a group photo.
Because we are arguing,
because we only want the photo
to be posted that we look best in.
All right?
How are we supposed to develop
a shared plan of attack?
In order to create an agenda,
we'd have to actually
be in touch with one another,
and that's proving to be
impossible these days.
One of the biggest issues
facing gay people
is unread emails.
We use the number of emails in our inbox
as a gender-neutral dick measuring contest
to compare how depressed we are.
Let's say that we did schedule
a meeting to discuss the gay agenda.
None of us would arrive at the same time,
because we believe that time is
an oppressive social construct.
Recently, I've been targeted by
one of the worst anti-trans policies.
Baggage weight restrictions
at the airport.
Twenty-three kg?
Are you kidding me?
Some dude-bro
came up with that arbitrary number,
and we need to be talking about it.
It's time to bring
the body-positive movement
to the baggage movement.
We are more than a number!
There's plenty of other criteria
we could be using here,
like how cute the outfits you packed are,
or the fact that you managed
to fit everything inside the suitcase,
which is not a given, it is a triumph.
So here I am, pulling up to the airport.
"Excuse me, sir."
"Your bag is overweight."
First of all,
if you're not even gonna count
my emotional baggage,
do you even see me?
Because I might be trans,
but I'm a water sign first.
Which means every interaction
with a stranger
is an opportunity for me
to process my feelings.
And I saw a sign here
that said, "Check in."
So what the fuck else
are we supposed to be doing here, ma'am?
Where else am I supposed to put
all the pain I have from being alive?
My therapist has been encouraging me
to speak my truth, so I'm gonna speak it.
You've been edging me all week.
I've been ignoring those emails,
like "48 hours until check-in."
"Just 12 more hours until you check in."
And I'm sitting at the back of
the gay agenda meeting, heavy breathing,
like, "Somebody finally cares
about my feelings?"
And I pull up here
only to get JetBlue-balled?
Are you kidding me?
Notice, when everyone else
is boarding the plane,
we transgenders are still
on the floor of the airport,
practicing the sacred transgender ritual
called repacking...
where we seek to make
the 78 kg bag transition
into 22.473628,
by wearing approximately 17 outfits
on the plane,
because we refuse
to compromise our glamour
in the face of attempted disappearance.
That, my friends,
is the transgender agenda.
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
- Alok!
- [music ends]
That brings us to the end, Allie Pallie.
Have you had a good night?
Say thank you to everyone you saw tonight.
Jes Tom, Chloe Petts,
Asha Ward, Krishna Istha,
Mx. Dahlia Belle, DeAnne Smith,
and Alok!
[crowd cheering loudly]
[upbeat music playing]
- [camera clicking]
- [music ends]