Hannah Montana: Life's What You Make It (2007) Movie Script
Lilly, why do you read that tabloid
trash? They're nothing but li...
(clears throat) ''Hannah Montana
looks fabulous.''
...with the occasional glimmer of truth.
You didn't let me finish.
''Too bad she's really a guy.''
(gasps) You have got to be kidding.
l can't believe you didn't tell me.
You've slept over at my house.
(gasps) You've borrowed my bras!
Hey, l look good in a mustache.
Oh, yeah, l would definitely date me.
Me too.
(both) Awkward.
Uh-oh.
Let me gus. lt's another article
about Jake Ryan, isn't it?
lt says that his movie is done and
he's back in town for the premiere.
(scoffs) Big whoop.
l don't need some guy who kiss me
knowing he's about to leave for
six months to do some stupid movie.
Jake could fall out of the sky
wearing a tuxedo and l wouldn't care.
Uh, Miley?
l'm serious.
He could come down,
giving me a dozen ros,
and it would make no difference.
Zero, zilch, el zippo.
What if he got down on his kne
and begged you to take him back?
Like that's ever gonna happen.
Sorry it's only one rose,
but l did bring chocolat.
Not just chocolat,
chocolat from the sky.
Jake, l don't know what to say,
so l gus l'll just
show you how l feel.
(crowd) Ohh!
Thank you.
# Come on!
# You get the limo out front
# Hottt styl, every shoe
every color
# Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
# lt's really you
but no one ever discovers
# Who would have thought
that a girl like me
# Would double as a superstar
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Chill it out, take it slow
# Then you rock out the show
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Mix it all together
# And you know that it's
the bt of both worlds #
(chuckling)
Thanks.
Gee, another basket from Jake.
What a surprise.
l agree, Mile.
Either date this boy Jake
or tell him to send a workout tape,
'cause l'm about one muffin away
from my easy-fit jeans.
l got two words for ya: Willpower.
l got two words for you:
Mini jelli.
Mmm. l am so weak.
Look who was waiting in the driveway.
You can almost hear him say,
(deep voice) ''Miley, take me back.
Gimme one more chance.''
- Oh, l'll give you something.
- (gasps)
Not the chocolate chip on.
Use the bran. Nobody eats those.
Oh, my dad do.
He calls them ''nature's broom.''
Ooh, peanut butter balls.
Hello? Guys, this jerk hurt me
and he's not gonna win me back
with peanut butter balls.
OK, you're right, darling.
l'm getting rid of everything.
Ooh, and l'll start by grilling up
the perfectly marbled T-bon.
- Medium rare, please.
- Got it.
Come on, Miley, the poor guy's done
just about everything a girl can want.
- What more could he do?
- (rattling)
Yeah, Miley. What else can l do?
You're never gonna stop, are you?
Miley, you've dumped stuff on me
and you've yelled at me.
The one thing you haven't done
is tell me you don't care about me.
Tell me that, and l'll go away.
No! You can't!
He's so in your...
l mean, come on!
l know l kissed you and then left,
and l'm sorry.
But l never stopped thinking about you.
(gasps) He never stopped!
And now... l mean, come on!
- l'll just go help with the steaks.
- You do that.
Come on, Jakers.
OK.
l never stopped
thinking about you either.
- Then you'll give me another chance?
- How about we start with tonight.
Ooh. Uh...
(metal rattling)
Slight problem.
Tonight's my movie premiere.
Oh, that's OK. l mean, it's
a little more public than l wanted...
No, no, no. Uh, see, the thing is...
You already have a date, don't you?
Oh, it's not a real date, OK?
(stammers) lt's with my co-star, OK?
We just have to pretend
we're dating for the prs.
A kiss or two,
but it don't mean anything.
Nothing you say ever means anything.
You're the same jerk
you were six months ago,
except now, you're a jerk
with a headache.
l don't have a...
- Oh, no.
- Oh, y.
(sighs) l'm so hot.
Y, you are.
Could l get a bottled water?
Y, you are.
Can. l mean, y, you can.
Oh, sorry. Rico just
tripled his price to three bucks.
But that's all l have,
and as l said before l'm so, so hot.
Don't go anywhere.
Whoo! OK.
l've taken care of me. Now you.
You can have the employee discount.
(zipping)
(wild laugh)
- You're fired!
- What are you talking about?
Nice work, Natasha.
Go buy yourself something pretty.
No, no, wait! Come back!
l'm willing to
look past this and start anew.
- You ripped me off!
- Me?
You're the one ripping people off.
Three bucks for a bottle of water?
That's stealing.
That's America.
You want to give stuff away?
Open your own shack.
You can call it lHOF.
lnternational House of Failure.
Oh, well, maybe l will.
But instead l'll call it
lnternational House of...
...Reasonably-Priced Water
and Fri and Stuff.
lHORPWAFUS.
Yeah, yeah! Hear the name
and tremble, Rico.
lHORPWAFUS.
l'm Brian Winters
and the stars are all out
for the premiere of Teen Gladiators
and the Sword of Fire.
And here are the Teen Gladiators,
Jake Ryan and Marissa Hugh,
coming over to talk to me,
Brian Winters.
So, Jake, l don't know what's bigger,
the buzz about this movie
or the buzz about you two.
Oh, well, thanks, Brian.
We're both really excited
about this movie.
- Aren't we, honey?
- We sure are, Jakey.
(mocking) ''We sure are, Jakey.''
Look at her, draped over him
like... drap.
Cheap, clingy drap.
lt's disgusting.
Sure is.
How can you guys
keep eating that stuff?
That's Jake's steak.
lt's the stake
he drove through my heart.
The good news is, it cuts like butter.
Dad!
l'm sorry, darling,
but you're better off without him.
lf he's gonna choose her over you,
he obviously has no taste.
Except in meat.
This fillet is fantastic.
Look at him, all kissy with Marissy.
''lt's only pretend.
lt don't mean anything.''
Yeah, right!
l was on your TV show, bub.
You're not that good an actor!
So, Jake, tell me,
when did you first know
you were in love?
Well, l know it sounds hokey,
but the minute l looked
into Miley's ey...
- Miley?
- (gasps) Oh, sorry.
l... l meant Marissa.
What?
- Did he just say...?
- Shh.
Yow.
Girls hate the name flub.
Trust me, been there, done that.
But, uh, we all make mistak,
right, Jake?
Yeah. And l'm in the middle
of a big one right now.
Marissa's a good friend.
The truth is...
...l'm in love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.
Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo!
But l blew it.
That's the difference
between movi and real life.
ln real life you
don't always get a happy ending.
(tape rewinding)
l'm in love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.
- Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo!
- (tape rewinding)
l'm in love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.
- (tape rewinding)
- (Jake) l'm in love with...
Mile! You're gonna break it.
l don't care.
Hey, gladiator.
Miley?
Who says real life
don't have happy endings?
This is so cool!
l'm used to Hannah being famous,
but now Miley is too.
Your life is totally gonna change.
- (doorbell rings)
- lt is not,
other than having
the bt boyfriend ever!
My Miley life is gonna stay
exactly the same.
Hi, hi!
Ashley, are you lost?
You are so funny!
l've always loved that about you.
Mean girl say what?
(laughing) Stop it!
You are a delight.
We are gonna be such great friends.
Lilly, l love
what you've done with your hair.
l'm wearing a hat.
Hi, hi! What are you doing here?
- You said you were going to the mall.
- You said you were getting a manicure.
- l am, with my new BFF.
- You mean my new BFF.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow ow ow ow!
Uh, all your beach needs
at reasonable pric.
l... l got Mylar balloons
and... and day-old bran muffins.
Oh, come on, everybody,
they're nature's broom!
Hey, Jackson, how's it going?
l don't get it. Rico rips people off
and he still gets all the busins.
Well, maybe because at Rico's
you get overpriced hot dogs, right?
And here you get half-priced
food poisoning.
l mean, seriously, Jackson,
this relish... (sniffs) stinks.
- That's mayonnaise.
- OK. Hmm.
OK, so... So maybe the shack
don't have ''refrigeration''
and the food isn't always ''edible,''
and maybe we do have a little bit
of a ''bug problem.''
But the shack's got character,
- and like me, it's here to stay.
- (creaking)
l can fix this.
You got nacho chee all over
my mom's homemade jerky.
How will l live with the guilt?
l was supposed to take this
to the precinct for the other cops,
but now you got the meat
with the chee. lt's not kosher...
Oh, Detective Schwartz
is gonna go all mhugana.
Dude, l don't want to tell you
how to run your shack,
but this only works
for, like, really short people.
- Not now, Todd.
- Hey, what's this?
Well, it was my mom's
homemade jerky.
(Todd) Covered in chee?
How is it?
(chuckl)
(beatbox mouthing)
- # l'm the man who had the chee
- # l'm the man who had the jerky
- # We put 'em both together...
- # And dude, it really worky
(both) # Chee Jerky
# Say what? Say what?
Chee Jerky
- # Say what?
- # Say what?
# Mozzarella-moose, swiss-salmon
gouda-turkey
# Just one taste
lt'll drive you berserky
(both) # Chee Jerky!
Say what? Say what?
# And that's all
(mimics scratching) Frh
Sizzlin' Stewart, Smokin' Oken
Enterpris. Patent pending.
Chee jerky?
That's the dumbt thing l ever heard.
Maybe, but it's delicious.
- (groans)
- Just try it.
- (spits) Blecch!
- You don't like it?
lt's delicious and it's not mine.
Yet.
You see those sparkly stars in a line?
That's Orion's belt.
And that star just to the right
of the belt?
That's my new favorite.
lt's named Miley.
Shut up. lt is not.
lt is now.
Here's the certificate to prove it.
You named a star after me?
lt was either that
or a half-mile of lnterstate 5.
Miley, l've never felt so close
to anyone before,
and l don't want there to be
any secrets between us,
so l'm gonna tell you something
l've never told anyone before.
Please don't have a hairy back.
Please don't have a hairy back.
My real name is Llie.
Llie, right. That's good.
Seriously, what's the secret?
That is the secret.
And l love that name!
l had a hamster named Llie once
until l figured out it was a boy.
- Go ahead, make fun.
- No, no, no, l'm sorry.
l'm actually touched
that you trust me so much.
l do. And l can't tell you
how great it feels
that l don't have to hide
part of my life from you
'cause l know that
you'd never do that to me.
Yeah. Sure. Of course.
Now we know everything
about each other.
Yeah. Sure. Of course.
There are no secrets between us.
Yeah. Sure. Of course.
That star didn't set you back
too much, did it?
Well...
So..
Yep.
(rustling)
Dad.
Don't you think the light would be
much better in the house?
Oh, don't worry about me, darlin'.
l can see everything
l need to see right here.
Oh, all right.
l'm gonna read Family Circus now,
so it should take about two seconds.
Ready?
One, two! Good night, Jake!
Uh... good night, sir.
(groans)
Oh, honey, don't be mad at me.
l gave you two seconds.
lt's not my fault
the boy's got slow lips.
lt's not that.
Daddy, tonight Jake
was totally hont with me,
and because of the Hannah secret
l couldn't be the same with him.
And when he asked me out
for tomorrow night,
l had to lie to him again
because Hannah's reading
to that second grade class tomorrow.
What kind of relationship will it be
if l have to lie to him
about half of my life?
Well, you could
always tell him the truth.
- What?!
- Or not.
Honey, l know it's a tough decision,
but l'm sure you'll make the right one.
No, l won't. l'm 1 4. l'm almost
guaranteed to ms this up.
You're the adult.
You're supposed to tell me what to do.
What kind of a father would l be if l
just ordered you around all the time?
A normal one?
l swear, you are no help at all.
Huh. Boy, even when l don't
say something, l say something wrong.
Well, at least they're off the porch.
''And so all the animals on...
...Hont lsland were saved.
All because Trudy,
the Truthful Turtle...
...promised she would never tell...
...another lie.''
Thank you, Hannah. Class?
(all) Thank you, Hannah Montana!
Do anyone have qutions
about honty for Miss Montana?
Or we could read another book?
How about, uh...
Frankie the Fibbing Frog.
Sweet niblets.
Samantha?
Hannah, have you ever lied?
Good qution.
Any more qutions?
Y, sweetie?
Why won't you answer
Samantha's qution?
Listen, sometim
life gets complicated,
and people get put into situations
that are complicated...
Miss Montana, l'm sure you're not
suggting to a class of second graders
- that lying is ever OK?
- No, no, no, no. Of course not.
lt's just that, uh,
sometim... you have to.
Hannah Montana's a liar!
(all) Ooh!
No, no! Of course not.
Listen, listen. (stammers)
You know... Well...
Superman don't tell Lois Lane
that he's Clark Kent,
but it don't mean
he don't love her.
- Superman's a liar?
- (all) Whoa!
- No, no, never mind. He isn't real.
- Superman isn't real?
Oh, OK, come on. OK.
How many of your parents have told you
that you're gonna be prident someday?
Well, see? Think about it.
Not all of you can be prident.
Odds are none of you will be prident.
(children crying)
What... lt's just that... (stammering)
Who wants free CDs?
- (all bawling)
- Free CDs, everyone!
Hey, Miley.
Got your call. What's up?
Jake...
...you were totally hont with me,
and l have a secret too.
And l'm not sure
how you're gonna take it.
Oh, come on, how bad can it be?
You're not married, are you?
No, l'm not married and...
...neither is Hannah Montana.
What?
l'm Hannah Montana.
(# Miley Cyrus: One ln A Million)
l'm Hannah Montana.
Jake?
Jake?
Llie?
Uh, just give me a second, OK?
lf it helps,
you're doing better than Oliver.
He fainted when l told him.
Jake Ryan don't faint.
Llie, on the other hand,
is a little woozy.
(sighs) Listen...
...if you're gonna be mad,
don't be mad at Miley.
- She wanted to tell you, but...
- But what? Hannah wouldn't let her?
Well, you know, she's a pop star.
You know how they can be.
Total divas. l try to avoid 'em.
So it's just the two of you, right?
You're not also the Dixie Chicks,
are you?
No, just Miley and Hannah.
Two chicks here.
Well, if that's the case,
then l think you're both pretty great.
- Really?
- Really.
(helicopter whirring)
Oh, man, paparazzi.
(both) They follow me everywhere.
l think they're following me.
You know, uh,
big movie about to open.
Hello, millions of albums already sold.
OK, we'll just go ask 'em, then.
- No!
- Whoa.
You're not dating Hannah,
you're dating Miley.
You can't get caught
cheating on me with me.
- Huh?
- Keep up, movie star.
Ain't rocket science.
# Come on!
# You get the limo out front
# Hottt styl, every shoe
every color
# Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
# lt's really you
but no one ever discovers
# Who would have thought
that a girl like me
# Would double as a superstar
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Chill it out, take it slow
# Then you rock out the show
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Mix it all together
# And you know that it's
the bt of both worlds #
(chuckling)
(mouth full) Helicopters? Movie stars?
Forbidden love? lt's all so romantic.
lt would be even more romantic if
you would chew with your mouth closed.
So when you told him
you were Hannah, he didn't faint?
- Not once?
- Nope. Steady as a rock.
All man.
Well, uh, so am l.
l just hadn't eaten that day.
You know what the bt part is?
l can finally be myself with a guy.
No more secrets,
just a normal boy-girl relationship.
(music playing on screen)
Why don't you all take a picture?
lt'll last longer.
Hello, people! lt's just an exprsion.
Miley, relax. Just ignore them.
- Why don't l get us some drinks?
- OK.
Wow, l'm kind of thirsty.
You want, uh, water, fruit juice
or iced tea?
Are you sure you're not mad
l made us leave early?
That's OK. Giv us more time to...
(Robby) Who wants lemonade?
...say hi to your dad.
Y, sir. Sweet lemonade.
Refrhing and as close to puckering
as anybody's gonna get around here.
Excuse me, Jake.
- Daddy, could l talk to you in private?
- Sure, darlin'.
Listen, Dad, um,
l don't know how to tell you this...
Go away!
OK. l can take a hint.
l'm gonna step out and let you kids
have a little chat.
But just remember...
...the heating ducts have ears.
(sighs) l swear.
We'll never be alone.
We are now.
No, we're not. Right, Dad?
(Robby) Right, bud!
Don't worry, Miley.
Your dad's just being
a rponsible parent,
and l admire him for that.
(Robby) Won't work, boy, but nice try.
lt's not my nosy, annoying dad
l'm worried about. lt's your fans.
They wouldn't leave us alone all night.
Come on. Fans are just
a part of the territory.
Thought Hannah Montana
would be used to that.
She is, but Miley isn't.
That's the reason l made up the secret,
so l could go out in the world
like a normal person.
And that's kinda hard to do
when you're dating me.
A little bit.
Do this help?
A little bit.
How about a little bit more?
(Robby) l'm not hearing any chattin'.
- (loud whistle)
- (Robby screams)
Sonny, this Chee Jerky is fantastic.
You have to give me the recipe.
Oh, sorry, ma'am.
My mom's jerky and his dad's
chee recipe, they're top secret.
But l am a grandmother.
You can trust me.
You know, we would,
but we weren't born yterday.
And neither was this baby.
Coochie-coochie-coo! Rico!
(muffled) This isn't...
This isn't over!
That Cheeze Jerky will be mine!
(cackling)
Vmonos, abuelita.
Aw, man, it's packed.
This is gonna be a disaster.
No, it's not. lf Oliver orders
the chili dog pizza again,
we'll just sit by the window.
Actually l'm, uh, not hungry.
l'm all Cheeze Jerkied up.
Which brings us right back
to the window.
Stop worrying about Oliver.
l'm thinking about Jake.
No matter where we go, it's like a zoo:
The beach, the movi, the mall.
Everybody just do this...
OK, that's creepy.
Oh, and by the way, easy on the liner.
Lookin' a little trampy.
(imitating Borat)
She look very nice to me.
Thanks. Appreciate it,
but l have a boyfriend.
Big coincidencey,
'cause l have American girlfriend,
and her name is Miley.
Weirdo say what?
(whispers) Miley, it's me.
- (all) Jake?
- Shh!
lt's Milos. You like?
Look, now l'm just a regular guy.
l'm a nobody, like Oliver.
Brilliant! Hey!
- You did this for me?
- l did this for us.
Ohh, you're so sweet.
But could you please be sweet
without the accent?
l don't like!
lf it mak you happy, sure.
Just a normal guy with normal friends
eating normal pizza.
- Excuse me, people, l'm ready to order.
- (clamoring)
Hey, buddy, who do you think you are?
- Uh, well, actually, l'm...
- Just a normal guy.
ln Normalville we take a normal number
- and wait our normal turn.
- Oh, right.
No sweat. l did this
in an episode of Zombie High.
''Haunted Deli:
Take a number and wait... to die.''
So, uh, what number are we?
Uh, 32.
- Number six!
- Are you kidding me?
Milos!
Oh, sorry. Got it.
Normal people wait. l'll wait.
(ticking)
This is endls!
You know, let's go.
(imitating Borat) Look like Milos
has a little bit of temper.
(shuddering) How do people do this?
lt's agony!
How long have we been here?
Well, in one minute, it'll be exactly...
...a minute and a half.
Thanks for letting me cut
in front of you, sweetie.
My boyfriend just got his tonsils out.
(raspy) He can barely talk.
Honey! What's taking so long?
Did l say tonsils? l meant kidney.
My mom has a Taser.
(mimics buzzing)
OK, then, bye.
There you go, just what you ordered.
ls it all better now?
Totally.
And don't it taste much better
knowing you had to wait for it?
Not really.
Uh, you know, this ice cream
is making me thirsty.
Oh, boy.
l said, this ice cream is making me...
(muffled)
Normal people get their own water.
Really?
Thanks, kid. See you at the movi.
Mommy!
- Run!
- Why?
- (Taser crackling)
- Soccer mom with a Taser.
l've never felt this way before.
And l know you've only been in my life
for a short time, but...
...heck, l'm just gonna say this.
l love you.
That's right. l love you,
super secret Cheeze Jerky recipe.
Silly, silly boy.
(Rico yells)
Well, as long as l'm here.
Man, that's good!
(exhal) What a rush!
All night and no one recognized me.
You know, l gotta admit l wasn't really
sure l could do this whole normal thing.
l've been famous since l was
the face of Wonder Diapers.
(all) ''The only diaper
endorsed by astronauts.''
Did l tell you that already?
You might have mentioned it
once or twice.
Or 30 tim.
Anyway, it was a great night,
except for this wig.
l mean, it was worse than the one
l wore on Teen Bigfoot.
''The only thing bigger than his foot...''
(all) ''Was his heart!''
- lt still gets to me.
- lt's getting all of us.
- Where can l take this wig off?
- Upstairs.
First door on the left.
- Be right back.
- Can't wait.
Uh, Miley, we don't exactly know
how to tell you this...
- Jake's horrible.
- Yeah, that's pretty much it.
l don't understand.
l mean, Hannah Montana's a star, too,
but underneath Hannah
is... is a real person,
- and underneath Jake is...
- Uh, more Jake?
l really liked him.
- How could l not see this?
- Miley, none of us saw it.
Come on, it's the first real time
you guys have spent together.
And now that l have... Yow!
So what are you gonna do?
Learn to love his flaws?
Right. Like the adorable way
he steals water from little girls.
l have to break up with him, don't l?
- l think so.
- What if he gets mad?
He could tell your secret.
Guys, come on. Jake's a lot of things,
but he's not evil.
l'll tell you what, next time you people
give me an itchy wig,
l'll spread the word
and put you out of busins.
People try to ms with Jake Ryan,
Jake Ryan plays hardball.
So, what'd l miss?
- (all) Nothing!
- (cell phone ringing)
Ooh, guys, come on.
Let's watch me on TV.
Look how cute Jake is.
Why did you have to talk
and ruin everything?
OK, l've been thinking
about your problem,
and l got a couple ideas
how to fix it.
This isn't gonna be something stupid
like move to Peru, is it?
No!
Please tell me you don't have
''face transplant'' on there too.
(scoffs) Well, l wasn't... Fine.
And now l have to go
to another premiere with him
and act like he's not the most
obnoxious person l've ever met.
l just wish l could find a way
to get him to break up with me.
l know. He'd break up with you
in a second if you were
half as obnoxious as he is.
Lilly, you're a genius.
Oh, thank you!
Wait, was this about the Peru
or the face transplant?
- Peru.
- l knew it! l just... Sometim...
Oh, sorry, folks. We're all sold out.
Oh, but don't worry. Come back tomorrow.
There'll be plenty more.
Yep, that's right, Rico.
l'm turning 'em away.
And look.
lt's raining money.
l can't watch this anymore. (sobs)
Wait, wait, look, look!
l'm rolling in money. (chuckl)
(mocking cackle)
What you doin'?
Laughing like Rico
and rolling in money?
- You should try it, dude. lt's fun.
- Oh, cool.
Oh, but first,
my mom gave me the receipts
for all the suppli she bought
and we gotta settle up.
Please tell me the big one's for us.
You might want to look away.
Make it quick.
- Jackson...
- Just go!
(sobbing)
(sad cackling)
(sobbing)
And here com Jake Ryan
with his not-famous girlfriend, Milky.
- Uh, it's Miley.
- Anyway,
how do it feel to be
a regular girl dating a big star?
Hang on, Bri, l got a throat itch.
- (snorting, hacking)
- (shudders)
Oh, yeah. Mmm, much better.
You were saying?
Wow, Jake, this one's a keeper.
Oh, man, the lights are warm!
l'm just gonna air myself out. Bam!
l gus we know what happened
to the ugly duckling. (shudders)
(chuckl) Maybe
we should just go inside.
Oh, that's a good idea.
But, uh, first l gotta...
(deep breath) Oh, yeah!
That feels nice.
Yow! Anybody got a lawnmower?
There's a breeze in Pittsburgh,
if you catch my drift.
- Put your arms down.
- Why?
Oh. Oh, man, that's embarrassing.
l meant to braid those.
Oh, my gosh, uh,
l just forgot. We forgot to
feed the cat. Let's go home.
You don't have a cat, you silly goose!
Maybe we can build one
out of your armpits.
(exhal)
Jake, you haven't said a word
the whole ride home.
Did l do something wrong?
Stop it, OK? l know exactly
what you're doing.
- You do?
- Yeah, of course. l'm not an idiot.
OK, fine. Maybe l went about it
the wrong way, but...
Little Miss Hannah Montana
can't handle it
- when it's all about Jake Ryan.
- What?
Yeah. You'll do anything
to steal my spotlight.
- Face it, you're jealous of me.
- Jealous of you?
Why, y, l am.
l am a jealous egomaniac
and you should dump me right now.
You know what,
l'll make it easier on you.
(sobbing) Goodbye.
(mouthing) Please, please, please.
- l'm not gonna break up with you.
- (mouths) Dang.
Miley, we can get through this.
You'll learn to not be jealous,
just like l learned to be a normal guy.
Oh, sweet niblets.
You don't know what a normal guy is.
What are you talking about?
OK, maybe l'm not normal
on the outside,
but inside beats the
heart of a kid just like you.
That's from Teen Bigfoot.
- So?
- So...
That's exactly what l'm talking about.
Normal people don't say things
other people wrote for them.
Normal people don't steal water
from little girls.
Excuse me if l didn't know that.
OK? The only reason l did this
stupid normal thing was for you.
You know what? l'm out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Being normal's not stupid.
lt lets me have real friends,
and it reminds me that
l'm just like everybody else.
And you like that?
l love that.
And l thought you did too.
Remember when we met?
You said that sometim
you wish you had a normal life.
Where's that guy?
That's the guy l want
for my boyfriend, not this.
So how was the movie?
Good night, Nurse Nickel,
what are you wearing?
Daddy, not now.
Ain't seen that many feathers
since your Uncle Earl and Aunt Pearl
had their annual pillow fight.
Well, if you didn't want
to go out with me anymore
why didn't you just tell me,
instead of going all wooly mammoth
at the premiere?
Because l was afraid that
if l dumped you
you'd get so upset and you'd...
What? Tell your secret?
lf that's the kind of guy you think
l am, maybe l will tell your secret.
Here you go, darlin'.
Fudge ripple's
like a heartbreak airbag.
Don't stop the hurtin',
but it sure cushions the blow.
l don't get it. l lie to my boyfriend
and feel horrible.
l tell him the truth
and it blows up in my face.
Maybe l should just
give up guys for good.
Oh, honey, not for good.
Just until l'm dead.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
lt wasn't the truth or the li
that caused all this.
lt was the boy.
He just wasn't the right one.
l gus you're right.
But you know what's weird?
Now that Jake's gonna blow my secret
l don't know which one
l'm gonna miss more,
my normal life or the guy
l thought Jake was.
Well, honey, no matter what happens,
we're gonna make it through this.
We always do.
At least l know one big, handsome guy
who will always love me.
Who dat? Oh, me.
- (man) Hello?
- Back here.
- Delivery for Miley Stewart.
- Really? Thanks.
Now who would be sending you flowers?
(Jake) Dear Miley,
l thought about what you said
and you're right. l do wish
l was a normal person sometim.
l just don't know how to do that yet.
But when l figure it out,
l hope l'll be worthy of someone
as terrific as you.
And, don't worry, your secret
will always be safe with me.
''Love, Llie.''
Who in the Sam Heck is Llie?
A friend.
A very good friend.
Well, let's hope it's not another actor.
What are you doing here?
What are you talking about?
l work here.
- But l fired you.
- No, you didn't.
Sure l did. And then
you opened that shack.
What shack?
But... But... But it was right over...
And you... (stammers) And Oliver.
And chee jerky,
and l was in a baby stroller.
lt's gonna be OK.
Let me take you home.
But you rolled in money.
Sure l did.
Thank you, l love you too.
Good night, everybody.
(chanting) Hannah! Hannah!
You guys want more?
You all are awome.
l'll sing all night long
if you want me to.
- Let's kick it, guys.
- (music starts)
# You want some toast?
l bet you do
# Please add some jam and butter too
# We're out of grape
So sad
# lt's all your fault, you bad dad
- You know what, son?
- Yeah, Dad?
You got nerve!
There she is, six encor.
The voice that wouldn't stop.
(raspy) Well, they were such a great...
(clears throat, still raspy)
They were such a great audien...
Well, this isn't good.
Here. Try some of this.
(voice cracking)
(squeaking) Help me.
# Come on!
# You get the limo out front
# Hottt styl, every shoe
every color
# Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
# lt's really you
but no one ever discovers
# Who would have thought
that a girl like me
# Would double as a superstar
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Chill it out, take it slow
# Then you rock out the show
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Mix it all together
# And you know that it's
the bt of both worlds #
(chuckling)
(voice cracking) # Do, re, mi, fa, so...
So not working!
And it won't work if you keep talking.
You know, honey, this used
to happen to me all the time
when l was out on tour.
And the only thing that would help
was when your mama made me stop
and not talk for a while.
l can do that.
- Mile.
- What?
You're talking.
Dang! Oh... Dang!
There you go. Now listen, keep it
like that or we're gonna have to cancel
the big concert on TV Saturday.
(whimpers)
That's our girl.
Now, if you need to say anything
for the next couple of days, use that.
Hannah Montana has never
canceled a concert before
and she's not about to start now.
l know that would just break your heart.
And when your heart breaks,
baby sis, so do mine.
''You got a hot date for the concert,
don't you, Jerkson?''
- Dad!
- She wrote it.
(scoffs) l can't believe you think
l'm that selfish, l'd...
- What's her name?
- Jenny, and she's a total babe.
So put a cork in it, froggy.
l got a lot riding on this.
Uh-uh-uh! Use the pad.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Miley, l know you want to get better,
but sucking on those lollipops
won't do anything but rot your teeth.
- Mm-mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-mmm!
(grunting)
Miley, release.
Fine. You leave me no choice.
(deep breath)
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!
- (muffled laugh)
- Ha!
(grunts)
Wow, a week without talking.
That's gotta be tough for a girl.
Not guys, we're different.
l can not talk for a month. Wouldn't
bother me. Girls, talk, talk, talk.
''Hey, Sally, nice capris.''
''l love your purse...''
Oh, now that's just rude.
Miley, l know this is gonna be hard
but you just have to stop fighting it.
We'll be here for you
until you get your voice back.
- Hey, Lilly, you want to catch a few?
- Oh, yeah!
(whispers) Please...
(whispers) Thank you.
You know, this is nice.
Just sitting here enjoying the sun,
the beach, the frh air.
That's the thing about nature.
lt is just so quiet and peaceful.
Not like the constant noise you get
when you're in the city.
(imitat horns and sirens)
Pull the vehicle over.
Pull... l know. Driv me crazy too.
- Hey, Oliver.
- What up, Dex?
Miley, feeling better?
Great. So, um, maybe
if you're not busy Friday night
we can go to the movi or something?
l got this one for you.
(chuckl) ln your dreams,
uh, Poindexter.
We're playing hard to get.
Ow! OK.
What she meant was,
Movi schmovi. Just plant one
on her right now, big boy. Ow!
Will you make up your mind?
You know, we're sending Dex
mixed signals, and he's...
Maybe another time.
''Four score and seven years ago''
was the beginning of what famous speech?
Finger on my hand,
find the smartt in the land.
Beep, beep, beep, beep...
Keep sliding, Oken, l can still see you.
Miley, make me smiley.
Oh, l got this one for ya.
Miley's answer is
''The Bettysburg Addrs.''
(scoffs) l think she means
''Betty Burg's addrs.''
Who's Betty Burg?
What? The only other thing on here
is ''l heart Dex''
and l'm not gonna say that
with him sitting right there. Oops.
OK, it'll be one week
in exactly three...
two... one...
Speak.
l know you're scared but
we gotta find out sooner or later.
Dad's right, Mil.
Mil? Oh, great.
Now she can't hear either.
You are falling apart just when
Jenny and l need you the most.
That is so like you.
Will you shut it already? l'm nervous
enough and l don't know if l can...
- l can talk!
- Y!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Oh, it's so good to hear
your voice again.
''l heart Dex''?
The last thing you want to do
is overwork it.
''Betty Burg's addrs''?
Oh, man, did you make her
look dumb!
- ''Plant one on her right now, big boy''?
- Like you weren't thinking it.
OK, now we know Miley can talk.
Let's see if Hannah can sing.
(singing Life's What You Make lt)
(mimics guitar riff)
Oh, Jenny, isn't the concert wonderful?
What's that? Oh, you bad girl.
(# Life's What You Make lt)
(voice cracks)
l'm sorry, Miley,
but this problem's not going
to go away on its own.
lf you ever want to sing again,
l'm afraid you're going to need surgery.
(raspy) Surgery?
- Really?
- Trust me.
We're talking about
a very minor operation.
- l could do it blindfolded.
- (shrieks)
l won't. l'm just saying that l could.
Not that you'd know. You'd be out cold.
Don't that make you feel better?
lt don't, do it?
l should stop now.
(raspy) You think?
l'm sorry. l'm just trying
to reassure you
that this surgery is no big deal.
One hour in my office, one week in
recovery, you'll be as good as new, OK?
- OK.
- Really, l mean,
the chanc of anything going wrong
and permanently losing your
singing voice are one in a million.
Oh, boy.
(raspy) One in a million?
What if l'm that one?
Doc, you were this close.
When l say one in a million,
it's just a figure of speech.
l haven't done anywhere near that many.
Uh, not that l haven't done a lot,
because l have.
l'm going.
Daddy, there was
a one in a million chance
you'd be a rock star
and that happened.
There was a one in a million chance
l'd be a pop star, that happened.
Face it, this family's
one in a million central.
Hey, Mile, l really think
you're overreacting.
This guy's one of the bt surgeons
in the country.
Yeah, Dad's right.
Bid, what do you think's
gonna happen?
Just as the surgery's
about ready to start,
a meteor hits a bus.
The bus driv into a hot dog stand,
a giant neon wiener fli into
the power lin,
the lights go off in the operating room,
and the next thing you know,
you're spending the rt of your life
singing like Aunt Pearl
after she swallowed that kazoo.
(coughing, imitat kazoo)
(raspy) Oh, no. l'm never gonna be
Hannah Montana again
all because of a giant wiener.
(Robby) Here you go, Miley.
Why don't you open this one next.
Y! Just what l wanted.
Now l can be just like Daddy.
Let's hear something
# Rock rock rock!
Yeah yeah yeah
# Rock, rock, rock!
Ohh yeah! #
l love you Tennsee!
Good night. Drive careful.
Did you hear that, babe?
This little girl might just end up
giving you a run for your money.
Maybe one day l'll have to take you
up on stage with me.
(both) Encore! Encore! Encore!
# Jingle bells, Jackson smells
# From 50 mil away, PU!
- (Jackson) l'm gonna get you, runt!
- (screaming)
- Hey, no running in the house.
- (crashing)
- (Miley) He did it!
- (Jackson) She did it.
Don't you just love Christmas?
Hey, Mile.
l made you a cup
of my famous loco hot cocoa,
with little marshmallows
so you don't choke-o.
Choke-o. Choke-o.
l'm gonna keep saying it
until you laugh. Choke-o.
Daddy, what if something
go wrong in the surgery
and l can't be Hannah Montana anymore?
Well, then, l gus you'll have
to pack your bags and get out.
Baby, that's not gonna happen.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Only thing you need to worry about
is what flavor ice cream
you're gonna be scarfing down after.
How do you know that?
'Cause there's some things
in life a daddy just knows,
like l know the sun's gonna
come up tomorrow morning.
Uncle Earl's never gonna be
an underwear model.
And l know your voice
is gonna be fine.
You get some rt now, bud.
- Good night, Dad.
- 'Night.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Miley!
Where is that usels freeloader?
Right here, Daddy.
l thought l told you to iron
the socks.
You know how l like a nice crease
in my hosiery.
Sorry, Daddy,
l'm still cleaning the oven.
Wait a minute. What's that
on the corner of your mouth?
Have you been eating the burnt bits
off the broiler pan again?
Sorry, Daddy. l'm just so hungry.
Mmm! Month-old trout skin.
My favorite!
Well, quit stuffing your face
and get to ironing.
Just because that surgery caused you
to lose your singing voice
don't mean you can lay around here
licking up trout drippings
like the queen of Sheba!
But l can sing, Daddy.
l've been practicing. Listen.
(sings This ls The Life off-key)
(bellowing)
Don't ever do that again.
(muffled) OK.
Now there's only one person
in this house that can sing
and we all know who that is.
# Jingle bells, Miley smells
# From 50 mil away
# Yeah!
Ladi and gentlemen,
please welcome Bucky Kentucky!
Thank you!
Thank you.
But Jackson could never sing.
And Bucky Kentucky? That's
the dumbt name l've ever heard.
You're just jealous
'cause you don't have a state
that rhym with your name anymore,
Little Miss Nobody.
Oh, please, like anyone would ever be
a fan of Bucky Kentucky.
(gasps) Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Bucky Kentucky. lt's Bucky Kentucky!
Dude, dude, dude, dude, you rock.
l love you!
Guys, what are you doing?
lt's Jackson.
l'm sorry, did you hear something?
Yeah. Sounds like a washed-up pop star.
- (all laughing)
- Let's go, kids,
or we're gonna be late
for Bucky's big concert.
The limo's waiting.
Ooh! Last one in's a Miley!
Guys, what about me? l should be
going to the concert too.
l was Hannah Montana once.
Please don't treat me like this.
l have feelings.
l'm not a piece of furniture.
Guys.
l'm not a piece of furniture.
OK, maybe l am.
(car horn honks)
Hang on, kids, l just gotta grab
my keys and my wallet.
Oh, there they are.
Daddy, what happened to me?
l'm nothing but a table.
Oh, honey, you're
much more than that.
You're also a coat rack.
Sweet niblets.
We'd love to take you along
with us, Mile,
- but you just got too many hang-ups.
- (laughter)
(Jackson) That's a good one, Daddy.
l told you l was funny.
No! Don't leave!
Somebody help me.
Please?
(woman) Baby girl, you always
did have the strangt dreams.
Mama?
- Mom! lt is you.
- (chuckling)
- Sorry.
- (sighs)
Your daddy gave you some of his loco
hot cocoa before bed again, didn't he?
He knows what sugar do to you.
Oh, l swear, when l'm finished here,
l'm popping into one of his dreams.
He is gonna get an earful!
Not helping.
lt's your dream, sweetpea.
lf you don't like it,
all you have to do is change it.
lt's not that easy.
Hey, maybe it was.
Where were you
when l was eating trout skin?
All right, baby girl, we both know
you didn't dream me here to ask me that.
Why don't you tell me
what's really on your mind.
l lost my voice.
And if it don't come back, then...
- Then...
- Miley.
Do you really think if you're not
Hannah Montana
you're no better
than a piece of furniture?
(groans) Look at that thing.
l swear, there's nothing
more dangerous
than your daddy with a pockettul of cash
and one of Uncle Earl's garage sal.
Mom, if l can't sing then l'm just...
l'm just Miley.
(sighs) And what in the world
is wrong with that?
l think ''just Miley''
is pretty darn terrific,
and l know she is strong enough
to handle anything.
- She is?
- Heck yeah.
lt's the way your daddy and l
raised you.
You're a wonderful girl,
and that's why your friends
love you so much.
What friends?
You saw the way they treated me.
Oh, for heaven's sake,
Lilly, Oliver, get in here!
lf she wasn't Hannah Montana
would you still be her friends?
Are you kidding? Of course we would.
Miley, you were my bt friend
way before l knew
you were Hannah Montana.
Why'd you all just walk out on me?
- (scoffs)
- (both) lt's your dream.
And it was only scary because you're
so worried about that surgery tomorrow.
lt's true, Mil. ln real life,
l sing like a starving walrus.
Mom, this is where you say
''Oh, no, you don't, honey.''
Oh, no, you don't, honey.
Just a regular walrus.
A cute, tone-deaf walrus.
- Thanks.
- l like your mom, she's funny.
She's pretty, too.
That's it, you're out of here.
Hey, why am l leaving?
l don't want to go.
Stop! This is not fair!
The point is, whether you're
Hannah Montana or just Miley,
you're still gonna be the annoying,
obnoxious little sister...
...that l love.
OK, you can wake up any time now.
l ain't done yet.
You see, no matter what happens
to your voice,
you have the most important thing
a person can have,
- people who care about you.
- You're right, Mommy.
You think?
Oh, what the heck?
Oliver, get back in here.
Thank you.
You were loved before you were
Hannah Montana,
and you'll be loved
long after Hannah's on one of those
''Where are they now?'' shows.
l think you're confusing me with Dad.
Oh, l am not worried about you one bit.
- l miss your hugs, Mom.
- Oh, baby girl.
They're never far away.
All you have to do is think about me.
Now, listen...
...say goodbye to your friends
and get some sleep.
You did good, honey.
Oh, you're doing
a pretty good job yourself...
...except for that hot chocolate
before bed!
Yeah, about that.
l know you always told me
not to do that,
but this was a very emotional...
Miley, you can wake up now.
Robby Ray, how many tim
do l have to tell you?
Miley, wakey wakey!
Cannot believe you still have
that table.
No wonder the girl's having nightmar.
Sorry, darling.
You know l always was a pushover.
That you were.
(singing You and Me Together)
Don't be scared, baby girl.
The surgeon did a wonderful job.
Your voice sounds better than ever.
(singing together)
(joins in singing)
Jackson, cut it out, boy.
Hey, it's your dream.
Not this time.
Well, if it's not your dream
and it's not mine, then whose is it?
l think l know.
(gasps, then sighs)
Mama was right
about that hot chocolate.
Mmm.
That was Mikayla
with lf Cupid Had A Heart.
Her first top ten hit.
All you need now is another dozen
to match the record of Hannah Montana.
What do you think, Hannah?
She got the right stuff?
- Totally, Colin. She's great.
- Thanks, Hannah.
That means a lot coming from you.
l'm welling up
at the love and rpect
l feel between the two
princs of pop.
Well, l think there's enough room in
the music world for both of us, right?
Absotively posilutely.
Adorable.
You're not gonna want to miss the two
sharing the stage next week
at the United People's Relief
charity concert in Florida.
We'll be right back.
l'm Colin Lassiter
and this is The Real Deal.
(man) And we're out!
Speaking of relief,
l've got the bladder of a kitten.
lt is so great to finally meet you.
l really am a huge fan.
Yeah, l hate you.
Thanks. l feel the exact same...
What?
Your voice is stenchy,
your music is stupid,
your outtits make me
want to puke on 'em,
but it looks like somebody
already did.
OK.
l don't know what your problem is...
My problem is,
is l'm ten tim better than you
and you're gonna find that out
in Florida.
Miss Hannah,
l'm taking all your fannahs.
OK, listen here,
you one-hit bobblehead,
the only thing you're taking from me
is lsons, OK?
Lson number one, this...
is how you do the head thing.
Yeah, that's right, l went there.
- Well, you know where l'm gonna go?
- Down the toilet with your career?
That's right, l went there again
and this time l bought property.
Back up, kid.
And don't go shooting off your little
tweenybopper mouth at my client, OK?
- She started it.
- Yeah, and l am ending it,
Little Miss Soon-to-be Used-to-be.
Whoa, Nellie.
l don't know who put the burr
underneath your saddle
but no one talks to my client that way.
- lt's OK, Dad, l can handle it.
- You heard her, Zeke.
Why don't you go wait out in the wagon?
- Excuse me?
- Oh, and while you're at it,
you might want to shave
the ferret off your face, OK?
l shave mine when you shave yours.
That's right, l went there.
(man) We are back in five, four,
three...
Great story, Hannah! (chuckl)
Hey, we're back and we're having
some fun now, aren't we, girls?
Oh, yeah, l just can't wait
till Florida.
Neither can l.
# Come on!
# You get the limo out front
# Hottt styl, every shoe
every color
# Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
# lt's really you
but no one ever discovers
# Who would have thought
that a girl like me
# Would double as a superstar
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Chill it out, take it slow
# Then you rock out the show
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Mix it all together
# And you know that it's
the bt of both worlds #
(chuckling)
l cannot wait to get to that concert
to show that two-faced
tone-deaf toad who's boss.
But you have to wear something amazing.
Mikayla always looks incredible!
For a two-faced tone-deaf toad.
l don't care what Mikayla wants.
lt's a benefit concert and all the girls
are sharing one drsing room.
Go Daddy, go Daddy.
l don't think so.
Because unlike you
and your ''kinfolk,''
my client didn't grow up in a barn
and we're expecting our own
drsing room.
Oh, l can see why you would need
more room.
l mean, where else are you gonna put
Mikayla's ego and your big mouth?
Step off, goober.
- Oh, darn, l'm afraid l'm losing you.
- (crunching)
We're breaking up.
l know that trick.
You're crunching potato chips.
They're corn chips, and
you're not getting another room.
And that's the way Robby Ray rolls.
Well, uh, could Robby Ray
roll out some cash?
Hannah needs a new outtit for Florida.
l thought you were gonna wear
that snazzy silver drs.
Dad, please, get with the tim.
That's so yterday.
That's because yterday's
the day you bought it.
What about the one you bought
at the place next to the place?
- No, that's too...
- You're right.
- When you wear that you have to...
- l know. l hate those.
What about the one l bought
after the one l bought at the place?
That go with the sho
with the things? l love that.
Me too.
Do you even know
what we're talking about?
No, but as long as it don't cost me
a wad of cash l'm all for it.
- Your dad is...
- l know!
(Jackson grunting)
(grunting continu)
(grunting) Push!
Push!
Push!
Son, are you working out on that
contraption or giving birth to it?
Laugh all you want, old man,
but when the guns come in
there's gonna be a new sheriff
in town. Pow!
And a new deputy. Bang!
When l was a kid we didn't have
money for stuff like this.
You know what we lifted? Cows.
And when it rained we went inside
and lifted your Aunt Pearl.
Try lifting her up after a bowl
of her homemade pinto bean soup.
Talk about your bang! pow!
Are you saying
that this isn't a workout?
l'm not saying that at all.
Thinking it, but not saying it.
All right. Well, l'd like
to see you give it a try, Flabio.
OK, but don't come crying to me
when l break your little
rubber band toy.
(grunts)
You know l'm just kidding you, right?
lt's not set for your height
and weight.
Fine. Then set it
for my height and weight.
Matter of fact,
crank it up to Aunt Pearl.
l'd like to see the rubber band toy
that can handle Robby Ray!
(groaning) Oh, gosh.
Hey, Dad, look, this is the drs
l'm going to wear.
What happened?
(imitating Schwarzenegger)
Mr. Puny-verse got a butt-whupping
from a little itsy-bitsy
teeny-weeny little rubber band.
l'm gonna get to feeling better soon.
When l do, l'm coming after you.
Oh, no, l better run!
(very slowly) No!
You look terrible. Are you gonna be
able to make it to Florida?
Lilly, he is obviously in pain.
We gotta show a little concern.
Daddy, can l get you
an ice pack, a pillow?
Are you gonna be able
to make it to Florida?
Don't worry about me, honey.
l'm gonna be fine.
(scoffs) l doubt it!
When my dad's back go out,
he can't move for days.
He just sleeps on the dining room table.
Last Thanksgiving,
we had to eat around him.
He had a muscle spasm.
(whispers) Giblets everywhere.
(groans)
Roxy, this treatment better work.
Otherwise l can kiss Florida goodbye.
Oh, no problem, girl.
There's never been a jacked-up back
that Roxy couldn't crack.
You know, l feel better already. This
treatment is starting to do the trick.
That's not the treatment. This is.
- (screaming)
- (cracking)
l think the machine broke.
That... wasn't... the... machine!
Oh, l'm gonna be sick.
Oh, Daddy, l am so sorry.
l was just trying to help.
lt's OK, Mile.
Hey, l know you had your heart set
on putting that Mikayla in her place
but there's no way l'm gonna be able
to sit on a plane for five hours.
l gus you're right.
Unls l strap you to a surfboard
and check you through baggage.
Why don't you just take him in a coffin?
At least they're padded.
That's a great idea.
Get him a portable DVD player.
Time will just fly by. Perfect.
Ain't gonna happen.
Let's face it. You tried, Roxy tried...
Roxy. That's a great idea, Daddy.
Roxy can take me.
(groans)
No, no. No way, honey.
Why not? Roxy's taken me
to plenty of concerts before.
Not all the way across the country.
Bid, if l'm not there with you
Mikayla's manager's
gonna steamroll right over you.
Come on, Dad, l can handle
Mikayla and her manager.
And l'll have Roxy.
Remember, ''Roxy like a puma''?
Honey, we can't.
You're still just a kid.
But l'm your kid
and you taught me how to stand up
and fight for myself.
And l'll have Roxy.
Face it, Dad,
it's all falling into place.
Not for me it isn't.
Why not? You know l can do this.
You can trust me.
- But that's not the point.
- Then what is the point?
The point is you're not ready
to do this on your own.
Y, l am, Daddy, and you know it.
Come on, Dad, let me go, please.
l don't wanna talk
about this anymore.
- That's not fair!
- l don't have to be fair.
l'm the dad and l'm not letting you go.
Why are you treating me
like such a baby?!
- Because you're acting like one.
- But Dad!
No, Miley, not another word.
Fine. How about three.
l hate you!
Miley!
Miley Ray!
Do this mean
l'm your favorite kid now?
(muffled grunting)
l'll take that as a y.
l have never said anything
like that to my dad before,
but he wasn't making any sense
and l got so mad and...
(groans) l hate him
for making me say l hate him.
This is terrible. Now Mikayla's gonna
have that stage all to herself.
Lilly, l'm upset enough.
The last thing l want
to think about is...
(woman on radio) Mikayla,
coming at you with her new hit single
lf Cupid Had A Heart.
Rico, could you turn that down?
- l'm sorry. ls it bothering you?
- Yeah.
Well, then, this will drive you crazy.
- (rais volume)
- (# lf Cupid Had A Heart)
(grunts)
(cell phone ringing)
(groans) Speak of the she-devil.
What is it, Mikayla?
Hannah, l heard you pulled out
of the concert.
What happened?
Did the big pop star get scared?
Listen, Micockroach,
one of my family members has
a serious medical condition, OK?
Yeah, it's you,
and it's called wimpo-titis.
That means you're a wimp.
l know what it means.
Oh, l can see the headlin now:
''Mikayla rocks while heartls Hannah
hid from the homels.''
The concert's for hunger relief.
Like l care.
Either way, l'm gonna steal
all your fans
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
Oh, yeah, there is. l'm gonna be there.
- You are?
- You are?
Y. And you better wear
something absorbent
'cause l'm gonna be
wiping the stage with you.
That's right, l went there.
You can't go to Florida
without your dad.
Watch me.
Wow.
(Miley) ''By the time you read this,
Roxy and l will be
on our way to Florida.
And when l come back, l'll take whatever
punishment you decide to give me
like the grownup l'm trying
to convince you l am.
PS: Don't blame Roxy.
She don't know. ''
Dangflabbit!
Jackson, get down here
and help me get out of this thing!
(groans) Come on, Dad,
not another sponge bath.
Haven't l done enough?
- Not until you get me to the airport.
- OK.
- Maybe we should change first.
- Good idea.
(man) Sorry for the delay, folks.
We'll be leaving the gate momentarily.
Thank you for your patience.
Mmm! Warm cashews, cold shrimp.
Oh, and complimentary slippers.
Time to let the dogs out.
Great. l'm glad
you're enjoying the flight.
lt'll be a whole lot better
once we take off!
Come on, flyboy! l can walk to Florida
quicker than this. Come on!
Sweetheart, could you keep it down?
Someone just complained.
- Who?
- Me. Now zip it.
Thank you.
Ooh, channel 21
is all Barry White all night.
(deep voice) Ooh, baby, baby.
(man) Flight attendants
please close the doors
- and prepare for takeoff.
- Y!
Excuse me.
l'm looking for my daughter.
Sweet niblets.
l was... just making sure all
the carry-ons were stowed properly.
No need to thank me.
Sensible sho. Good choice.
(chuckl) l really don't like you.
Please take your seat. Thank you.
Miley?
Mile?
Mile?
(gruff voice) l was just visiting
my grandkids in Palm Springs.
Did you?
Pardon me, dollface.
Gotta make a pit stop.
Roxy?
- Roxy... (grunts)
- Hyah!
Well, hello.
Robby Ray, what are you doing here?
- Oh, no, she didn't.
- Oh, y, she did.
She bamboozled us both.
Well, your bam is easy to boozle.
You still don't know
l sneak over to your house
- and use your hot tub on the weekends.
- What?
Enough of this chit-chat.
Let's find that girl.
Hey, this bathroom's ocupado.
Sorry, dollface. You're really supposed
to keep the closed.
l may shift during flight.
You're gonna shift right now.
Get out here!
Come on, Miley. Get that thing
off your head. We're going home.
- But, Dad...
- No but. Now.
Excuse me, ma'am,
but we'd like to get off.
And l'd like a job where l don't
have to smile all the time
no matter how annoyed l am.
Now, the doors are closed
and no one's getting off
until our first stop in Denver.
So please take your seats.
- But...
- l said please!
Miley Stewart,
l have never been
so disappointed in you.
You think you're disappointed now?
Wait until you see
your snack box in coach.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Listen, kid!
You have a fantastic sense of rhythm.
You must be very proud.
- Big dad?
- Huge.
With a mohawk.
Gee, why would l want
to hang out with my friends
when l can spend five hours being
kicked in the back by the kangaroo kid
and drooled on by Jabba the Gut?
Don't blame me. Blame your sister.
You're the one that wouldn't
let her go in the first place.
Don't start with me, son.
She wasn't ready to go.
She wasn't ready, or you weren't?
- Excuse me?
- Come on, Dad.
l mean, you raised us to believe
we could do anything
we set our minds to.
And the whole time we were growing up,
you told us, ''l know you can do it.
So get ready, get set, go.''
Why aren't you saying that now?
Oh, yeah, l can be deep.
Roxy, l really am sorry l lied to you.
Hush up. l'm not talking to you.
But if l was talking to you
l'd be saying ''Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to your daddy,
because he only do what he do
because he lov you.''
l gus l should apologize, shouldn't l?
lf l was talking to you,
l'd be saying ''Mm-hmm.''
l'd also say, ''While you're up,
get me some two percent.
Roxy lik to dunk!''
- l was just...
- Me too.
Daddy, when l said l hated you,
- l was just...
- l know.
Honey, sit down.
l think we need to talk.
Man, l was hoping we'd just said it all.
(sighs) Not quite.
l think we both know
what you did was wrong.
We could talk about that later.
Right now l have something
l want to give you.
A barf bag?
lt has a song on it.
l just wrote it for you.
l know you didn't understand
why l was acting the way l was acting.
l didn't understand it either.
But hopefully this will help explain.
(# Ready, Set, Don't Go)
Darlin'...
...no daddy ever wants to see
his little girl grow up, but...
...every dad knows some day
she has to.
When this plane lands in Denver,
l'm getting off and you're staying on
and going to Florida.
Are you sure?
l've never been more sure of anything.
Bid, Hannah Montana don't need
her daddy to hang around
to go down there and show
that Mikayla what she's made out of.
Oh, Dad.
(groans) Mmm.
- Sorry.
- lt's OK.
lt's a good kind of pain.
l'm gonna save this forever.
Oh, no! Shrimp and cooki,
bad combo!
lt's OK. l got it all in here.
(Roxy) l'm gonna need a bigger bag.
Lilly and l just watched
the concert on TV.
You were terrific.
And you blew Mikayla off the stage.
The important thing is, honey,
you did a great thing for charity.
And you blew Mikayla off the stage!
Yeah, l gus Hannah
did show her a thing or two.
And my daughter did the same
for me. l'm proud of you, darling.
- And...
- (both) You blew Mikayla off the stage!
Hey, Jackson, your sister's
on the phone. You want to say hello?
Uh, can't right now. Kinda busy.
So, trust me, Rico.
A couple of workouts on this bad boy,
and you are gonna be Mr. lrristible.
l don't know. lt don't feel
like it's doing anything.
Well, let me just turn it up
for you a little bit.
Whoa!
Aaah!
(sighs) That was awome!
Again! Jackson! Again, again!
Wookie - Free4vn.org
trash? They're nothing but li...
(clears throat) ''Hannah Montana
looks fabulous.''
...with the occasional glimmer of truth.
You didn't let me finish.
''Too bad she's really a guy.''
(gasps) You have got to be kidding.
l can't believe you didn't tell me.
You've slept over at my house.
(gasps) You've borrowed my bras!
Hey, l look good in a mustache.
Oh, yeah, l would definitely date me.
Me too.
(both) Awkward.
Uh-oh.
Let me gus. lt's another article
about Jake Ryan, isn't it?
lt says that his movie is done and
he's back in town for the premiere.
(scoffs) Big whoop.
l don't need some guy who kiss me
knowing he's about to leave for
six months to do some stupid movie.
Jake could fall out of the sky
wearing a tuxedo and l wouldn't care.
Uh, Miley?
l'm serious.
He could come down,
giving me a dozen ros,
and it would make no difference.
Zero, zilch, el zippo.
What if he got down on his kne
and begged you to take him back?
Like that's ever gonna happen.
Sorry it's only one rose,
but l did bring chocolat.
Not just chocolat,
chocolat from the sky.
Jake, l don't know what to say,
so l gus l'll just
show you how l feel.
(crowd) Ohh!
Thank you.
# Come on!
# You get the limo out front
# Hottt styl, every shoe
every color
# Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
# lt's really you
but no one ever discovers
# Who would have thought
that a girl like me
# Would double as a superstar
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Chill it out, take it slow
# Then you rock out the show
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Mix it all together
# And you know that it's
the bt of both worlds #
(chuckling)
Thanks.
Gee, another basket from Jake.
What a surprise.
l agree, Mile.
Either date this boy Jake
or tell him to send a workout tape,
'cause l'm about one muffin away
from my easy-fit jeans.
l got two words for ya: Willpower.
l got two words for you:
Mini jelli.
Mmm. l am so weak.
Look who was waiting in the driveway.
You can almost hear him say,
(deep voice) ''Miley, take me back.
Gimme one more chance.''
- Oh, l'll give you something.
- (gasps)
Not the chocolate chip on.
Use the bran. Nobody eats those.
Oh, my dad do.
He calls them ''nature's broom.''
Ooh, peanut butter balls.
Hello? Guys, this jerk hurt me
and he's not gonna win me back
with peanut butter balls.
OK, you're right, darling.
l'm getting rid of everything.
Ooh, and l'll start by grilling up
the perfectly marbled T-bon.
- Medium rare, please.
- Got it.
Come on, Miley, the poor guy's done
just about everything a girl can want.
- What more could he do?
- (rattling)
Yeah, Miley. What else can l do?
You're never gonna stop, are you?
Miley, you've dumped stuff on me
and you've yelled at me.
The one thing you haven't done
is tell me you don't care about me.
Tell me that, and l'll go away.
No! You can't!
He's so in your...
l mean, come on!
l know l kissed you and then left,
and l'm sorry.
But l never stopped thinking about you.
(gasps) He never stopped!
And now... l mean, come on!
- l'll just go help with the steaks.
- You do that.
Come on, Jakers.
OK.
l never stopped
thinking about you either.
- Then you'll give me another chance?
- How about we start with tonight.
Ooh. Uh...
(metal rattling)
Slight problem.
Tonight's my movie premiere.
Oh, that's OK. l mean, it's
a little more public than l wanted...
No, no, no. Uh, see, the thing is...
You already have a date, don't you?
Oh, it's not a real date, OK?
(stammers) lt's with my co-star, OK?
We just have to pretend
we're dating for the prs.
A kiss or two,
but it don't mean anything.
Nothing you say ever means anything.
You're the same jerk
you were six months ago,
except now, you're a jerk
with a headache.
l don't have a...
- Oh, no.
- Oh, y.
(sighs) l'm so hot.
Y, you are.
Could l get a bottled water?
Y, you are.
Can. l mean, y, you can.
Oh, sorry. Rico just
tripled his price to three bucks.
But that's all l have,
and as l said before l'm so, so hot.
Don't go anywhere.
Whoo! OK.
l've taken care of me. Now you.
You can have the employee discount.
(zipping)
(wild laugh)
- You're fired!
- What are you talking about?
Nice work, Natasha.
Go buy yourself something pretty.
No, no, wait! Come back!
l'm willing to
look past this and start anew.
- You ripped me off!
- Me?
You're the one ripping people off.
Three bucks for a bottle of water?
That's stealing.
That's America.
You want to give stuff away?
Open your own shack.
You can call it lHOF.
lnternational House of Failure.
Oh, well, maybe l will.
But instead l'll call it
lnternational House of...
...Reasonably-Priced Water
and Fri and Stuff.
lHORPWAFUS.
Yeah, yeah! Hear the name
and tremble, Rico.
lHORPWAFUS.
l'm Brian Winters
and the stars are all out
for the premiere of Teen Gladiators
and the Sword of Fire.
And here are the Teen Gladiators,
Jake Ryan and Marissa Hugh,
coming over to talk to me,
Brian Winters.
So, Jake, l don't know what's bigger,
the buzz about this movie
or the buzz about you two.
Oh, well, thanks, Brian.
We're both really excited
about this movie.
- Aren't we, honey?
- We sure are, Jakey.
(mocking) ''We sure are, Jakey.''
Look at her, draped over him
like... drap.
Cheap, clingy drap.
lt's disgusting.
Sure is.
How can you guys
keep eating that stuff?
That's Jake's steak.
lt's the stake
he drove through my heart.
The good news is, it cuts like butter.
Dad!
l'm sorry, darling,
but you're better off without him.
lf he's gonna choose her over you,
he obviously has no taste.
Except in meat.
This fillet is fantastic.
Look at him, all kissy with Marissy.
''lt's only pretend.
lt don't mean anything.''
Yeah, right!
l was on your TV show, bub.
You're not that good an actor!
So, Jake, tell me,
when did you first know
you were in love?
Well, l know it sounds hokey,
but the minute l looked
into Miley's ey...
- Miley?
- (gasps) Oh, sorry.
l... l meant Marissa.
What?
- Did he just say...?
- Shh.
Yow.
Girls hate the name flub.
Trust me, been there, done that.
But, uh, we all make mistak,
right, Jake?
Yeah. And l'm in the middle
of a big one right now.
Marissa's a good friend.
The truth is...
...l'm in love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.
Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo!
But l blew it.
That's the difference
between movi and real life.
ln real life you
don't always get a happy ending.
(tape rewinding)
l'm in love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.
- Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo!
- (tape rewinding)
l'm in love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.
- (tape rewinding)
- (Jake) l'm in love with...
Mile! You're gonna break it.
l don't care.
Hey, gladiator.
Miley?
Who says real life
don't have happy endings?
This is so cool!
l'm used to Hannah being famous,
but now Miley is too.
Your life is totally gonna change.
- (doorbell rings)
- lt is not,
other than having
the bt boyfriend ever!
My Miley life is gonna stay
exactly the same.
Hi, hi!
Ashley, are you lost?
You are so funny!
l've always loved that about you.
Mean girl say what?
(laughing) Stop it!
You are a delight.
We are gonna be such great friends.
Lilly, l love
what you've done with your hair.
l'm wearing a hat.
Hi, hi! What are you doing here?
- You said you were going to the mall.
- You said you were getting a manicure.
- l am, with my new BFF.
- You mean my new BFF.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow ow ow ow!
Uh, all your beach needs
at reasonable pric.
l... l got Mylar balloons
and... and day-old bran muffins.
Oh, come on, everybody,
they're nature's broom!
Hey, Jackson, how's it going?
l don't get it. Rico rips people off
and he still gets all the busins.
Well, maybe because at Rico's
you get overpriced hot dogs, right?
And here you get half-priced
food poisoning.
l mean, seriously, Jackson,
this relish... (sniffs) stinks.
- That's mayonnaise.
- OK. Hmm.
OK, so... So maybe the shack
don't have ''refrigeration''
and the food isn't always ''edible,''
and maybe we do have a little bit
of a ''bug problem.''
But the shack's got character,
- and like me, it's here to stay.
- (creaking)
l can fix this.
You got nacho chee all over
my mom's homemade jerky.
How will l live with the guilt?
l was supposed to take this
to the precinct for the other cops,
but now you got the meat
with the chee. lt's not kosher...
Oh, Detective Schwartz
is gonna go all mhugana.
Dude, l don't want to tell you
how to run your shack,
but this only works
for, like, really short people.
- Not now, Todd.
- Hey, what's this?
Well, it was my mom's
homemade jerky.
(Todd) Covered in chee?
How is it?
(chuckl)
(beatbox mouthing)
- # l'm the man who had the chee
- # l'm the man who had the jerky
- # We put 'em both together...
- # And dude, it really worky
(both) # Chee Jerky
# Say what? Say what?
Chee Jerky
- # Say what?
- # Say what?
# Mozzarella-moose, swiss-salmon
gouda-turkey
# Just one taste
lt'll drive you berserky
(both) # Chee Jerky!
Say what? Say what?
# And that's all
(mimics scratching) Frh
Sizzlin' Stewart, Smokin' Oken
Enterpris. Patent pending.
Chee jerky?
That's the dumbt thing l ever heard.
Maybe, but it's delicious.
- (groans)
- Just try it.
- (spits) Blecch!
- You don't like it?
lt's delicious and it's not mine.
Yet.
You see those sparkly stars in a line?
That's Orion's belt.
And that star just to the right
of the belt?
That's my new favorite.
lt's named Miley.
Shut up. lt is not.
lt is now.
Here's the certificate to prove it.
You named a star after me?
lt was either that
or a half-mile of lnterstate 5.
Miley, l've never felt so close
to anyone before,
and l don't want there to be
any secrets between us,
so l'm gonna tell you something
l've never told anyone before.
Please don't have a hairy back.
Please don't have a hairy back.
My real name is Llie.
Llie, right. That's good.
Seriously, what's the secret?
That is the secret.
And l love that name!
l had a hamster named Llie once
until l figured out it was a boy.
- Go ahead, make fun.
- No, no, no, l'm sorry.
l'm actually touched
that you trust me so much.
l do. And l can't tell you
how great it feels
that l don't have to hide
part of my life from you
'cause l know that
you'd never do that to me.
Yeah. Sure. Of course.
Now we know everything
about each other.
Yeah. Sure. Of course.
There are no secrets between us.
Yeah. Sure. Of course.
That star didn't set you back
too much, did it?
Well...
So..
Yep.
(rustling)
Dad.
Don't you think the light would be
much better in the house?
Oh, don't worry about me, darlin'.
l can see everything
l need to see right here.
Oh, all right.
l'm gonna read Family Circus now,
so it should take about two seconds.
Ready?
One, two! Good night, Jake!
Uh... good night, sir.
(groans)
Oh, honey, don't be mad at me.
l gave you two seconds.
lt's not my fault
the boy's got slow lips.
lt's not that.
Daddy, tonight Jake
was totally hont with me,
and because of the Hannah secret
l couldn't be the same with him.
And when he asked me out
for tomorrow night,
l had to lie to him again
because Hannah's reading
to that second grade class tomorrow.
What kind of relationship will it be
if l have to lie to him
about half of my life?
Well, you could
always tell him the truth.
- What?!
- Or not.
Honey, l know it's a tough decision,
but l'm sure you'll make the right one.
No, l won't. l'm 1 4. l'm almost
guaranteed to ms this up.
You're the adult.
You're supposed to tell me what to do.
What kind of a father would l be if l
just ordered you around all the time?
A normal one?
l swear, you are no help at all.
Huh. Boy, even when l don't
say something, l say something wrong.
Well, at least they're off the porch.
''And so all the animals on...
...Hont lsland were saved.
All because Trudy,
the Truthful Turtle...
...promised she would never tell...
...another lie.''
Thank you, Hannah. Class?
(all) Thank you, Hannah Montana!
Do anyone have qutions
about honty for Miss Montana?
Or we could read another book?
How about, uh...
Frankie the Fibbing Frog.
Sweet niblets.
Samantha?
Hannah, have you ever lied?
Good qution.
Any more qutions?
Y, sweetie?
Why won't you answer
Samantha's qution?
Listen, sometim
life gets complicated,
and people get put into situations
that are complicated...
Miss Montana, l'm sure you're not
suggting to a class of second graders
- that lying is ever OK?
- No, no, no, no. Of course not.
lt's just that, uh,
sometim... you have to.
Hannah Montana's a liar!
(all) Ooh!
No, no! Of course not.
Listen, listen. (stammers)
You know... Well...
Superman don't tell Lois Lane
that he's Clark Kent,
but it don't mean
he don't love her.
- Superman's a liar?
- (all) Whoa!
- No, no, never mind. He isn't real.
- Superman isn't real?
Oh, OK, come on. OK.
How many of your parents have told you
that you're gonna be prident someday?
Well, see? Think about it.
Not all of you can be prident.
Odds are none of you will be prident.
(children crying)
What... lt's just that... (stammering)
Who wants free CDs?
- (all bawling)
- Free CDs, everyone!
Hey, Miley.
Got your call. What's up?
Jake...
...you were totally hont with me,
and l have a secret too.
And l'm not sure
how you're gonna take it.
Oh, come on, how bad can it be?
You're not married, are you?
No, l'm not married and...
...neither is Hannah Montana.
What?
l'm Hannah Montana.
(# Miley Cyrus: One ln A Million)
l'm Hannah Montana.
Jake?
Jake?
Llie?
Uh, just give me a second, OK?
lf it helps,
you're doing better than Oliver.
He fainted when l told him.
Jake Ryan don't faint.
Llie, on the other hand,
is a little woozy.
(sighs) Listen...
...if you're gonna be mad,
don't be mad at Miley.
- She wanted to tell you, but...
- But what? Hannah wouldn't let her?
Well, you know, she's a pop star.
You know how they can be.
Total divas. l try to avoid 'em.
So it's just the two of you, right?
You're not also the Dixie Chicks,
are you?
No, just Miley and Hannah.
Two chicks here.
Well, if that's the case,
then l think you're both pretty great.
- Really?
- Really.
(helicopter whirring)
Oh, man, paparazzi.
(both) They follow me everywhere.
l think they're following me.
You know, uh,
big movie about to open.
Hello, millions of albums already sold.
OK, we'll just go ask 'em, then.
- No!
- Whoa.
You're not dating Hannah,
you're dating Miley.
You can't get caught
cheating on me with me.
- Huh?
- Keep up, movie star.
Ain't rocket science.
# Come on!
# You get the limo out front
# Hottt styl, every shoe
every color
# Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
# lt's really you
but no one ever discovers
# Who would have thought
that a girl like me
# Would double as a superstar
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Chill it out, take it slow
# Then you rock out the show
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Mix it all together
# And you know that it's
the bt of both worlds #
(chuckling)
(mouth full) Helicopters? Movie stars?
Forbidden love? lt's all so romantic.
lt would be even more romantic if
you would chew with your mouth closed.
So when you told him
you were Hannah, he didn't faint?
- Not once?
- Nope. Steady as a rock.
All man.
Well, uh, so am l.
l just hadn't eaten that day.
You know what the bt part is?
l can finally be myself with a guy.
No more secrets,
just a normal boy-girl relationship.
(music playing on screen)
Why don't you all take a picture?
lt'll last longer.
Hello, people! lt's just an exprsion.
Miley, relax. Just ignore them.
- Why don't l get us some drinks?
- OK.
Wow, l'm kind of thirsty.
You want, uh, water, fruit juice
or iced tea?
Are you sure you're not mad
l made us leave early?
That's OK. Giv us more time to...
(Robby) Who wants lemonade?
...say hi to your dad.
Y, sir. Sweet lemonade.
Refrhing and as close to puckering
as anybody's gonna get around here.
Excuse me, Jake.
- Daddy, could l talk to you in private?
- Sure, darlin'.
Listen, Dad, um,
l don't know how to tell you this...
Go away!
OK. l can take a hint.
l'm gonna step out and let you kids
have a little chat.
But just remember...
...the heating ducts have ears.
(sighs) l swear.
We'll never be alone.
We are now.
No, we're not. Right, Dad?
(Robby) Right, bud!
Don't worry, Miley.
Your dad's just being
a rponsible parent,
and l admire him for that.
(Robby) Won't work, boy, but nice try.
lt's not my nosy, annoying dad
l'm worried about. lt's your fans.
They wouldn't leave us alone all night.
Come on. Fans are just
a part of the territory.
Thought Hannah Montana
would be used to that.
She is, but Miley isn't.
That's the reason l made up the secret,
so l could go out in the world
like a normal person.
And that's kinda hard to do
when you're dating me.
A little bit.
Do this help?
A little bit.
How about a little bit more?
(Robby) l'm not hearing any chattin'.
- (loud whistle)
- (Robby screams)
Sonny, this Chee Jerky is fantastic.
You have to give me the recipe.
Oh, sorry, ma'am.
My mom's jerky and his dad's
chee recipe, they're top secret.
But l am a grandmother.
You can trust me.
You know, we would,
but we weren't born yterday.
And neither was this baby.
Coochie-coochie-coo! Rico!
(muffled) This isn't...
This isn't over!
That Cheeze Jerky will be mine!
(cackling)
Vmonos, abuelita.
Aw, man, it's packed.
This is gonna be a disaster.
No, it's not. lf Oliver orders
the chili dog pizza again,
we'll just sit by the window.
Actually l'm, uh, not hungry.
l'm all Cheeze Jerkied up.
Which brings us right back
to the window.
Stop worrying about Oliver.
l'm thinking about Jake.
No matter where we go, it's like a zoo:
The beach, the movi, the mall.
Everybody just do this...
OK, that's creepy.
Oh, and by the way, easy on the liner.
Lookin' a little trampy.
(imitating Borat)
She look very nice to me.
Thanks. Appreciate it,
but l have a boyfriend.
Big coincidencey,
'cause l have American girlfriend,
and her name is Miley.
Weirdo say what?
(whispers) Miley, it's me.
- (all) Jake?
- Shh!
lt's Milos. You like?
Look, now l'm just a regular guy.
l'm a nobody, like Oliver.
Brilliant! Hey!
- You did this for me?
- l did this for us.
Ohh, you're so sweet.
But could you please be sweet
without the accent?
l don't like!
lf it mak you happy, sure.
Just a normal guy with normal friends
eating normal pizza.
- Excuse me, people, l'm ready to order.
- (clamoring)
Hey, buddy, who do you think you are?
- Uh, well, actually, l'm...
- Just a normal guy.
ln Normalville we take a normal number
- and wait our normal turn.
- Oh, right.
No sweat. l did this
in an episode of Zombie High.
''Haunted Deli:
Take a number and wait... to die.''
So, uh, what number are we?
Uh, 32.
- Number six!
- Are you kidding me?
Milos!
Oh, sorry. Got it.
Normal people wait. l'll wait.
(ticking)
This is endls!
You know, let's go.
(imitating Borat) Look like Milos
has a little bit of temper.
(shuddering) How do people do this?
lt's agony!
How long have we been here?
Well, in one minute, it'll be exactly...
...a minute and a half.
Thanks for letting me cut
in front of you, sweetie.
My boyfriend just got his tonsils out.
(raspy) He can barely talk.
Honey! What's taking so long?
Did l say tonsils? l meant kidney.
My mom has a Taser.
(mimics buzzing)
OK, then, bye.
There you go, just what you ordered.
ls it all better now?
Totally.
And don't it taste much better
knowing you had to wait for it?
Not really.
Uh, you know, this ice cream
is making me thirsty.
Oh, boy.
l said, this ice cream is making me...
(muffled)
Normal people get their own water.
Really?
Thanks, kid. See you at the movi.
Mommy!
- Run!
- Why?
- (Taser crackling)
- Soccer mom with a Taser.
l've never felt this way before.
And l know you've only been in my life
for a short time, but...
...heck, l'm just gonna say this.
l love you.
That's right. l love you,
super secret Cheeze Jerky recipe.
Silly, silly boy.
(Rico yells)
Well, as long as l'm here.
Man, that's good!
(exhal) What a rush!
All night and no one recognized me.
You know, l gotta admit l wasn't really
sure l could do this whole normal thing.
l've been famous since l was
the face of Wonder Diapers.
(all) ''The only diaper
endorsed by astronauts.''
Did l tell you that already?
You might have mentioned it
once or twice.
Or 30 tim.
Anyway, it was a great night,
except for this wig.
l mean, it was worse than the one
l wore on Teen Bigfoot.
''The only thing bigger than his foot...''
(all) ''Was his heart!''
- lt still gets to me.
- lt's getting all of us.
- Where can l take this wig off?
- Upstairs.
First door on the left.
- Be right back.
- Can't wait.
Uh, Miley, we don't exactly know
how to tell you this...
- Jake's horrible.
- Yeah, that's pretty much it.
l don't understand.
l mean, Hannah Montana's a star, too,
but underneath Hannah
is... is a real person,
- and underneath Jake is...
- Uh, more Jake?
l really liked him.
- How could l not see this?
- Miley, none of us saw it.
Come on, it's the first real time
you guys have spent together.
And now that l have... Yow!
So what are you gonna do?
Learn to love his flaws?
Right. Like the adorable way
he steals water from little girls.
l have to break up with him, don't l?
- l think so.
- What if he gets mad?
He could tell your secret.
Guys, come on. Jake's a lot of things,
but he's not evil.
l'll tell you what, next time you people
give me an itchy wig,
l'll spread the word
and put you out of busins.
People try to ms with Jake Ryan,
Jake Ryan plays hardball.
So, what'd l miss?
- (all) Nothing!
- (cell phone ringing)
Ooh, guys, come on.
Let's watch me on TV.
Look how cute Jake is.
Why did you have to talk
and ruin everything?
OK, l've been thinking
about your problem,
and l got a couple ideas
how to fix it.
This isn't gonna be something stupid
like move to Peru, is it?
No!
Please tell me you don't have
''face transplant'' on there too.
(scoffs) Well, l wasn't... Fine.
And now l have to go
to another premiere with him
and act like he's not the most
obnoxious person l've ever met.
l just wish l could find a way
to get him to break up with me.
l know. He'd break up with you
in a second if you were
half as obnoxious as he is.
Lilly, you're a genius.
Oh, thank you!
Wait, was this about the Peru
or the face transplant?
- Peru.
- l knew it! l just... Sometim...
Oh, sorry, folks. We're all sold out.
Oh, but don't worry. Come back tomorrow.
There'll be plenty more.
Yep, that's right, Rico.
l'm turning 'em away.
And look.
lt's raining money.
l can't watch this anymore. (sobs)
Wait, wait, look, look!
l'm rolling in money. (chuckl)
(mocking cackle)
What you doin'?
Laughing like Rico
and rolling in money?
- You should try it, dude. lt's fun.
- Oh, cool.
Oh, but first,
my mom gave me the receipts
for all the suppli she bought
and we gotta settle up.
Please tell me the big one's for us.
You might want to look away.
Make it quick.
- Jackson...
- Just go!
(sobbing)
(sad cackling)
(sobbing)
And here com Jake Ryan
with his not-famous girlfriend, Milky.
- Uh, it's Miley.
- Anyway,
how do it feel to be
a regular girl dating a big star?
Hang on, Bri, l got a throat itch.
- (snorting, hacking)
- (shudders)
Oh, yeah. Mmm, much better.
You were saying?
Wow, Jake, this one's a keeper.
Oh, man, the lights are warm!
l'm just gonna air myself out. Bam!
l gus we know what happened
to the ugly duckling. (shudders)
(chuckl) Maybe
we should just go inside.
Oh, that's a good idea.
But, uh, first l gotta...
(deep breath) Oh, yeah!
That feels nice.
Yow! Anybody got a lawnmower?
There's a breeze in Pittsburgh,
if you catch my drift.
- Put your arms down.
- Why?
Oh. Oh, man, that's embarrassing.
l meant to braid those.
Oh, my gosh, uh,
l just forgot. We forgot to
feed the cat. Let's go home.
You don't have a cat, you silly goose!
Maybe we can build one
out of your armpits.
(exhal)
Jake, you haven't said a word
the whole ride home.
Did l do something wrong?
Stop it, OK? l know exactly
what you're doing.
- You do?
- Yeah, of course. l'm not an idiot.
OK, fine. Maybe l went about it
the wrong way, but...
Little Miss Hannah Montana
can't handle it
- when it's all about Jake Ryan.
- What?
Yeah. You'll do anything
to steal my spotlight.
- Face it, you're jealous of me.
- Jealous of you?
Why, y, l am.
l am a jealous egomaniac
and you should dump me right now.
You know what,
l'll make it easier on you.
(sobbing) Goodbye.
(mouthing) Please, please, please.
- l'm not gonna break up with you.
- (mouths) Dang.
Miley, we can get through this.
You'll learn to not be jealous,
just like l learned to be a normal guy.
Oh, sweet niblets.
You don't know what a normal guy is.
What are you talking about?
OK, maybe l'm not normal
on the outside,
but inside beats the
heart of a kid just like you.
That's from Teen Bigfoot.
- So?
- So...
That's exactly what l'm talking about.
Normal people don't say things
other people wrote for them.
Normal people don't steal water
from little girls.
Excuse me if l didn't know that.
OK? The only reason l did this
stupid normal thing was for you.
You know what? l'm out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Being normal's not stupid.
lt lets me have real friends,
and it reminds me that
l'm just like everybody else.
And you like that?
l love that.
And l thought you did too.
Remember when we met?
You said that sometim
you wish you had a normal life.
Where's that guy?
That's the guy l want
for my boyfriend, not this.
So how was the movie?
Good night, Nurse Nickel,
what are you wearing?
Daddy, not now.
Ain't seen that many feathers
since your Uncle Earl and Aunt Pearl
had their annual pillow fight.
Well, if you didn't want
to go out with me anymore
why didn't you just tell me,
instead of going all wooly mammoth
at the premiere?
Because l was afraid that
if l dumped you
you'd get so upset and you'd...
What? Tell your secret?
lf that's the kind of guy you think
l am, maybe l will tell your secret.
Here you go, darlin'.
Fudge ripple's
like a heartbreak airbag.
Don't stop the hurtin',
but it sure cushions the blow.
l don't get it. l lie to my boyfriend
and feel horrible.
l tell him the truth
and it blows up in my face.
Maybe l should just
give up guys for good.
Oh, honey, not for good.
Just until l'm dead.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
lt wasn't the truth or the li
that caused all this.
lt was the boy.
He just wasn't the right one.
l gus you're right.
But you know what's weird?
Now that Jake's gonna blow my secret
l don't know which one
l'm gonna miss more,
my normal life or the guy
l thought Jake was.
Well, honey, no matter what happens,
we're gonna make it through this.
We always do.
At least l know one big, handsome guy
who will always love me.
Who dat? Oh, me.
- (man) Hello?
- Back here.
- Delivery for Miley Stewart.
- Really? Thanks.
Now who would be sending you flowers?
(Jake) Dear Miley,
l thought about what you said
and you're right. l do wish
l was a normal person sometim.
l just don't know how to do that yet.
But when l figure it out,
l hope l'll be worthy of someone
as terrific as you.
And, don't worry, your secret
will always be safe with me.
''Love, Llie.''
Who in the Sam Heck is Llie?
A friend.
A very good friend.
Well, let's hope it's not another actor.
What are you doing here?
What are you talking about?
l work here.
- But l fired you.
- No, you didn't.
Sure l did. And then
you opened that shack.
What shack?
But... But... But it was right over...
And you... (stammers) And Oliver.
And chee jerky,
and l was in a baby stroller.
lt's gonna be OK.
Let me take you home.
But you rolled in money.
Sure l did.
Thank you, l love you too.
Good night, everybody.
(chanting) Hannah! Hannah!
You guys want more?
You all are awome.
l'll sing all night long
if you want me to.
- Let's kick it, guys.
- (music starts)
# You want some toast?
l bet you do
# Please add some jam and butter too
# We're out of grape
So sad
# lt's all your fault, you bad dad
- You know what, son?
- Yeah, Dad?
You got nerve!
There she is, six encor.
The voice that wouldn't stop.
(raspy) Well, they were such a great...
(clears throat, still raspy)
They were such a great audien...
Well, this isn't good.
Here. Try some of this.
(voice cracking)
(squeaking) Help me.
# Come on!
# You get the limo out front
# Hottt styl, every shoe
every color
# Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
# lt's really you
but no one ever discovers
# Who would have thought
that a girl like me
# Would double as a superstar
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Chill it out, take it slow
# Then you rock out the show
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Mix it all together
# And you know that it's
the bt of both worlds #
(chuckling)
(voice cracking) # Do, re, mi, fa, so...
So not working!
And it won't work if you keep talking.
You know, honey, this used
to happen to me all the time
when l was out on tour.
And the only thing that would help
was when your mama made me stop
and not talk for a while.
l can do that.
- Mile.
- What?
You're talking.
Dang! Oh... Dang!
There you go. Now listen, keep it
like that or we're gonna have to cancel
the big concert on TV Saturday.
(whimpers)
That's our girl.
Now, if you need to say anything
for the next couple of days, use that.
Hannah Montana has never
canceled a concert before
and she's not about to start now.
l know that would just break your heart.
And when your heart breaks,
baby sis, so do mine.
''You got a hot date for the concert,
don't you, Jerkson?''
- Dad!
- She wrote it.
(scoffs) l can't believe you think
l'm that selfish, l'd...
- What's her name?
- Jenny, and she's a total babe.
So put a cork in it, froggy.
l got a lot riding on this.
Uh-uh-uh! Use the pad.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Miley, l know you want to get better,
but sucking on those lollipops
won't do anything but rot your teeth.
- Mm-mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-mmm!
(grunting)
Miley, release.
Fine. You leave me no choice.
(deep breath)
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!
- (muffled laugh)
- Ha!
(grunts)
Wow, a week without talking.
That's gotta be tough for a girl.
Not guys, we're different.
l can not talk for a month. Wouldn't
bother me. Girls, talk, talk, talk.
''Hey, Sally, nice capris.''
''l love your purse...''
Oh, now that's just rude.
Miley, l know this is gonna be hard
but you just have to stop fighting it.
We'll be here for you
until you get your voice back.
- Hey, Lilly, you want to catch a few?
- Oh, yeah!
(whispers) Please...
(whispers) Thank you.
You know, this is nice.
Just sitting here enjoying the sun,
the beach, the frh air.
That's the thing about nature.
lt is just so quiet and peaceful.
Not like the constant noise you get
when you're in the city.
(imitat horns and sirens)
Pull the vehicle over.
Pull... l know. Driv me crazy too.
- Hey, Oliver.
- What up, Dex?
Miley, feeling better?
Great. So, um, maybe
if you're not busy Friday night
we can go to the movi or something?
l got this one for you.
(chuckl) ln your dreams,
uh, Poindexter.
We're playing hard to get.
Ow! OK.
What she meant was,
Movi schmovi. Just plant one
on her right now, big boy. Ow!
Will you make up your mind?
You know, we're sending Dex
mixed signals, and he's...
Maybe another time.
''Four score and seven years ago''
was the beginning of what famous speech?
Finger on my hand,
find the smartt in the land.
Beep, beep, beep, beep...
Keep sliding, Oken, l can still see you.
Miley, make me smiley.
Oh, l got this one for ya.
Miley's answer is
''The Bettysburg Addrs.''
(scoffs) l think she means
''Betty Burg's addrs.''
Who's Betty Burg?
What? The only other thing on here
is ''l heart Dex''
and l'm not gonna say that
with him sitting right there. Oops.
OK, it'll be one week
in exactly three...
two... one...
Speak.
l know you're scared but
we gotta find out sooner or later.
Dad's right, Mil.
Mil? Oh, great.
Now she can't hear either.
You are falling apart just when
Jenny and l need you the most.
That is so like you.
Will you shut it already? l'm nervous
enough and l don't know if l can...
- l can talk!
- Y!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Oh, it's so good to hear
your voice again.
''l heart Dex''?
The last thing you want to do
is overwork it.
''Betty Burg's addrs''?
Oh, man, did you make her
look dumb!
- ''Plant one on her right now, big boy''?
- Like you weren't thinking it.
OK, now we know Miley can talk.
Let's see if Hannah can sing.
(singing Life's What You Make lt)
(mimics guitar riff)
Oh, Jenny, isn't the concert wonderful?
What's that? Oh, you bad girl.
(# Life's What You Make lt)
(voice cracks)
l'm sorry, Miley,
but this problem's not going
to go away on its own.
lf you ever want to sing again,
l'm afraid you're going to need surgery.
(raspy) Surgery?
- Really?
- Trust me.
We're talking about
a very minor operation.
- l could do it blindfolded.
- (shrieks)
l won't. l'm just saying that l could.
Not that you'd know. You'd be out cold.
Don't that make you feel better?
lt don't, do it?
l should stop now.
(raspy) You think?
l'm sorry. l'm just trying
to reassure you
that this surgery is no big deal.
One hour in my office, one week in
recovery, you'll be as good as new, OK?
- OK.
- Really, l mean,
the chanc of anything going wrong
and permanently losing your
singing voice are one in a million.
Oh, boy.
(raspy) One in a million?
What if l'm that one?
Doc, you were this close.
When l say one in a million,
it's just a figure of speech.
l haven't done anywhere near that many.
Uh, not that l haven't done a lot,
because l have.
l'm going.
Daddy, there was
a one in a million chance
you'd be a rock star
and that happened.
There was a one in a million chance
l'd be a pop star, that happened.
Face it, this family's
one in a million central.
Hey, Mile, l really think
you're overreacting.
This guy's one of the bt surgeons
in the country.
Yeah, Dad's right.
Bid, what do you think's
gonna happen?
Just as the surgery's
about ready to start,
a meteor hits a bus.
The bus driv into a hot dog stand,
a giant neon wiener fli into
the power lin,
the lights go off in the operating room,
and the next thing you know,
you're spending the rt of your life
singing like Aunt Pearl
after she swallowed that kazoo.
(coughing, imitat kazoo)
(raspy) Oh, no. l'm never gonna be
Hannah Montana again
all because of a giant wiener.
(Robby) Here you go, Miley.
Why don't you open this one next.
Y! Just what l wanted.
Now l can be just like Daddy.
Let's hear something
# Rock rock rock!
Yeah yeah yeah
# Rock, rock, rock!
Ohh yeah! #
l love you Tennsee!
Good night. Drive careful.
Did you hear that, babe?
This little girl might just end up
giving you a run for your money.
Maybe one day l'll have to take you
up on stage with me.
(both) Encore! Encore! Encore!
# Jingle bells, Jackson smells
# From 50 mil away, PU!
- (Jackson) l'm gonna get you, runt!
- (screaming)
- Hey, no running in the house.
- (crashing)
- (Miley) He did it!
- (Jackson) She did it.
Don't you just love Christmas?
Hey, Mile.
l made you a cup
of my famous loco hot cocoa,
with little marshmallows
so you don't choke-o.
Choke-o. Choke-o.
l'm gonna keep saying it
until you laugh. Choke-o.
Daddy, what if something
go wrong in the surgery
and l can't be Hannah Montana anymore?
Well, then, l gus you'll have
to pack your bags and get out.
Baby, that's not gonna happen.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Only thing you need to worry about
is what flavor ice cream
you're gonna be scarfing down after.
How do you know that?
'Cause there's some things
in life a daddy just knows,
like l know the sun's gonna
come up tomorrow morning.
Uncle Earl's never gonna be
an underwear model.
And l know your voice
is gonna be fine.
You get some rt now, bud.
- Good night, Dad.
- 'Night.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Miley!
Where is that usels freeloader?
Right here, Daddy.
l thought l told you to iron
the socks.
You know how l like a nice crease
in my hosiery.
Sorry, Daddy,
l'm still cleaning the oven.
Wait a minute. What's that
on the corner of your mouth?
Have you been eating the burnt bits
off the broiler pan again?
Sorry, Daddy. l'm just so hungry.
Mmm! Month-old trout skin.
My favorite!
Well, quit stuffing your face
and get to ironing.
Just because that surgery caused you
to lose your singing voice
don't mean you can lay around here
licking up trout drippings
like the queen of Sheba!
But l can sing, Daddy.
l've been practicing. Listen.
(sings This ls The Life off-key)
(bellowing)
Don't ever do that again.
(muffled) OK.
Now there's only one person
in this house that can sing
and we all know who that is.
# Jingle bells, Miley smells
# From 50 mil away
# Yeah!
Ladi and gentlemen,
please welcome Bucky Kentucky!
Thank you!
Thank you.
But Jackson could never sing.
And Bucky Kentucky? That's
the dumbt name l've ever heard.
You're just jealous
'cause you don't have a state
that rhym with your name anymore,
Little Miss Nobody.
Oh, please, like anyone would ever be
a fan of Bucky Kentucky.
(gasps) Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Bucky Kentucky. lt's Bucky Kentucky!
Dude, dude, dude, dude, you rock.
l love you!
Guys, what are you doing?
lt's Jackson.
l'm sorry, did you hear something?
Yeah. Sounds like a washed-up pop star.
- (all laughing)
- Let's go, kids,
or we're gonna be late
for Bucky's big concert.
The limo's waiting.
Ooh! Last one in's a Miley!
Guys, what about me? l should be
going to the concert too.
l was Hannah Montana once.
Please don't treat me like this.
l have feelings.
l'm not a piece of furniture.
Guys.
l'm not a piece of furniture.
OK, maybe l am.
(car horn honks)
Hang on, kids, l just gotta grab
my keys and my wallet.
Oh, there they are.
Daddy, what happened to me?
l'm nothing but a table.
Oh, honey, you're
much more than that.
You're also a coat rack.
Sweet niblets.
We'd love to take you along
with us, Mile,
- but you just got too many hang-ups.
- (laughter)
(Jackson) That's a good one, Daddy.
l told you l was funny.
No! Don't leave!
Somebody help me.
Please?
(woman) Baby girl, you always
did have the strangt dreams.
Mama?
- Mom! lt is you.
- (chuckling)
- Sorry.
- (sighs)
Your daddy gave you some of his loco
hot cocoa before bed again, didn't he?
He knows what sugar do to you.
Oh, l swear, when l'm finished here,
l'm popping into one of his dreams.
He is gonna get an earful!
Not helping.
lt's your dream, sweetpea.
lf you don't like it,
all you have to do is change it.
lt's not that easy.
Hey, maybe it was.
Where were you
when l was eating trout skin?
All right, baby girl, we both know
you didn't dream me here to ask me that.
Why don't you tell me
what's really on your mind.
l lost my voice.
And if it don't come back, then...
- Then...
- Miley.
Do you really think if you're not
Hannah Montana
you're no better
than a piece of furniture?
(groans) Look at that thing.
l swear, there's nothing
more dangerous
than your daddy with a pockettul of cash
and one of Uncle Earl's garage sal.
Mom, if l can't sing then l'm just...
l'm just Miley.
(sighs) And what in the world
is wrong with that?
l think ''just Miley''
is pretty darn terrific,
and l know she is strong enough
to handle anything.
- She is?
- Heck yeah.
lt's the way your daddy and l
raised you.
You're a wonderful girl,
and that's why your friends
love you so much.
What friends?
You saw the way they treated me.
Oh, for heaven's sake,
Lilly, Oliver, get in here!
lf she wasn't Hannah Montana
would you still be her friends?
Are you kidding? Of course we would.
Miley, you were my bt friend
way before l knew
you were Hannah Montana.
Why'd you all just walk out on me?
- (scoffs)
- (both) lt's your dream.
And it was only scary because you're
so worried about that surgery tomorrow.
lt's true, Mil. ln real life,
l sing like a starving walrus.
Mom, this is where you say
''Oh, no, you don't, honey.''
Oh, no, you don't, honey.
Just a regular walrus.
A cute, tone-deaf walrus.
- Thanks.
- l like your mom, she's funny.
She's pretty, too.
That's it, you're out of here.
Hey, why am l leaving?
l don't want to go.
Stop! This is not fair!
The point is, whether you're
Hannah Montana or just Miley,
you're still gonna be the annoying,
obnoxious little sister...
...that l love.
OK, you can wake up any time now.
l ain't done yet.
You see, no matter what happens
to your voice,
you have the most important thing
a person can have,
- people who care about you.
- You're right, Mommy.
You think?
Oh, what the heck?
Oliver, get back in here.
Thank you.
You were loved before you were
Hannah Montana,
and you'll be loved
long after Hannah's on one of those
''Where are they now?'' shows.
l think you're confusing me with Dad.
Oh, l am not worried about you one bit.
- l miss your hugs, Mom.
- Oh, baby girl.
They're never far away.
All you have to do is think about me.
Now, listen...
...say goodbye to your friends
and get some sleep.
You did good, honey.
Oh, you're doing
a pretty good job yourself...
...except for that hot chocolate
before bed!
Yeah, about that.
l know you always told me
not to do that,
but this was a very emotional...
Miley, you can wake up now.
Robby Ray, how many tim
do l have to tell you?
Miley, wakey wakey!
Cannot believe you still have
that table.
No wonder the girl's having nightmar.
Sorry, darling.
You know l always was a pushover.
That you were.
(singing You and Me Together)
Don't be scared, baby girl.
The surgeon did a wonderful job.
Your voice sounds better than ever.
(singing together)
(joins in singing)
Jackson, cut it out, boy.
Hey, it's your dream.
Not this time.
Well, if it's not your dream
and it's not mine, then whose is it?
l think l know.
(gasps, then sighs)
Mama was right
about that hot chocolate.
Mmm.
That was Mikayla
with lf Cupid Had A Heart.
Her first top ten hit.
All you need now is another dozen
to match the record of Hannah Montana.
What do you think, Hannah?
She got the right stuff?
- Totally, Colin. She's great.
- Thanks, Hannah.
That means a lot coming from you.
l'm welling up
at the love and rpect
l feel between the two
princs of pop.
Well, l think there's enough room in
the music world for both of us, right?
Absotively posilutely.
Adorable.
You're not gonna want to miss the two
sharing the stage next week
at the United People's Relief
charity concert in Florida.
We'll be right back.
l'm Colin Lassiter
and this is The Real Deal.
(man) And we're out!
Speaking of relief,
l've got the bladder of a kitten.
lt is so great to finally meet you.
l really am a huge fan.
Yeah, l hate you.
Thanks. l feel the exact same...
What?
Your voice is stenchy,
your music is stupid,
your outtits make me
want to puke on 'em,
but it looks like somebody
already did.
OK.
l don't know what your problem is...
My problem is,
is l'm ten tim better than you
and you're gonna find that out
in Florida.
Miss Hannah,
l'm taking all your fannahs.
OK, listen here,
you one-hit bobblehead,
the only thing you're taking from me
is lsons, OK?
Lson number one, this...
is how you do the head thing.
Yeah, that's right, l went there.
- Well, you know where l'm gonna go?
- Down the toilet with your career?
That's right, l went there again
and this time l bought property.
Back up, kid.
And don't go shooting off your little
tweenybopper mouth at my client, OK?
- She started it.
- Yeah, and l am ending it,
Little Miss Soon-to-be Used-to-be.
Whoa, Nellie.
l don't know who put the burr
underneath your saddle
but no one talks to my client that way.
- lt's OK, Dad, l can handle it.
- You heard her, Zeke.
Why don't you go wait out in the wagon?
- Excuse me?
- Oh, and while you're at it,
you might want to shave
the ferret off your face, OK?
l shave mine when you shave yours.
That's right, l went there.
(man) We are back in five, four,
three...
Great story, Hannah! (chuckl)
Hey, we're back and we're having
some fun now, aren't we, girls?
Oh, yeah, l just can't wait
till Florida.
Neither can l.
# Come on!
# You get the limo out front
# Hottt styl, every shoe
every color
# Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
# lt's really you
but no one ever discovers
# Who would have thought
that a girl like me
# Would double as a superstar
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Chill it out, take it slow
# Then you rock out the show
# You get the bt of both worlds
# Mix it all together
# And you know that it's
the bt of both worlds #
(chuckling)
l cannot wait to get to that concert
to show that two-faced
tone-deaf toad who's boss.
But you have to wear something amazing.
Mikayla always looks incredible!
For a two-faced tone-deaf toad.
l don't care what Mikayla wants.
lt's a benefit concert and all the girls
are sharing one drsing room.
Go Daddy, go Daddy.
l don't think so.
Because unlike you
and your ''kinfolk,''
my client didn't grow up in a barn
and we're expecting our own
drsing room.
Oh, l can see why you would need
more room.
l mean, where else are you gonna put
Mikayla's ego and your big mouth?
Step off, goober.
- Oh, darn, l'm afraid l'm losing you.
- (crunching)
We're breaking up.
l know that trick.
You're crunching potato chips.
They're corn chips, and
you're not getting another room.
And that's the way Robby Ray rolls.
Well, uh, could Robby Ray
roll out some cash?
Hannah needs a new outtit for Florida.
l thought you were gonna wear
that snazzy silver drs.
Dad, please, get with the tim.
That's so yterday.
That's because yterday's
the day you bought it.
What about the one you bought
at the place next to the place?
- No, that's too...
- You're right.
- When you wear that you have to...
- l know. l hate those.
What about the one l bought
after the one l bought at the place?
That go with the sho
with the things? l love that.
Me too.
Do you even know
what we're talking about?
No, but as long as it don't cost me
a wad of cash l'm all for it.
- Your dad is...
- l know!
(Jackson grunting)
(grunting continu)
(grunting) Push!
Push!
Push!
Son, are you working out on that
contraption or giving birth to it?
Laugh all you want, old man,
but when the guns come in
there's gonna be a new sheriff
in town. Pow!
And a new deputy. Bang!
When l was a kid we didn't have
money for stuff like this.
You know what we lifted? Cows.
And when it rained we went inside
and lifted your Aunt Pearl.
Try lifting her up after a bowl
of her homemade pinto bean soup.
Talk about your bang! pow!
Are you saying
that this isn't a workout?
l'm not saying that at all.
Thinking it, but not saying it.
All right. Well, l'd like
to see you give it a try, Flabio.
OK, but don't come crying to me
when l break your little
rubber band toy.
(grunts)
You know l'm just kidding you, right?
lt's not set for your height
and weight.
Fine. Then set it
for my height and weight.
Matter of fact,
crank it up to Aunt Pearl.
l'd like to see the rubber band toy
that can handle Robby Ray!
(groaning) Oh, gosh.
Hey, Dad, look, this is the drs
l'm going to wear.
What happened?
(imitating Schwarzenegger)
Mr. Puny-verse got a butt-whupping
from a little itsy-bitsy
teeny-weeny little rubber band.
l'm gonna get to feeling better soon.
When l do, l'm coming after you.
Oh, no, l better run!
(very slowly) No!
You look terrible. Are you gonna be
able to make it to Florida?
Lilly, he is obviously in pain.
We gotta show a little concern.
Daddy, can l get you
an ice pack, a pillow?
Are you gonna be able
to make it to Florida?
Don't worry about me, honey.
l'm gonna be fine.
(scoffs) l doubt it!
When my dad's back go out,
he can't move for days.
He just sleeps on the dining room table.
Last Thanksgiving,
we had to eat around him.
He had a muscle spasm.
(whispers) Giblets everywhere.
(groans)
Roxy, this treatment better work.
Otherwise l can kiss Florida goodbye.
Oh, no problem, girl.
There's never been a jacked-up back
that Roxy couldn't crack.
You know, l feel better already. This
treatment is starting to do the trick.
That's not the treatment. This is.
- (screaming)
- (cracking)
l think the machine broke.
That... wasn't... the... machine!
Oh, l'm gonna be sick.
Oh, Daddy, l am so sorry.
l was just trying to help.
lt's OK, Mile.
Hey, l know you had your heart set
on putting that Mikayla in her place
but there's no way l'm gonna be able
to sit on a plane for five hours.
l gus you're right.
Unls l strap you to a surfboard
and check you through baggage.
Why don't you just take him in a coffin?
At least they're padded.
That's a great idea.
Get him a portable DVD player.
Time will just fly by. Perfect.
Ain't gonna happen.
Let's face it. You tried, Roxy tried...
Roxy. That's a great idea, Daddy.
Roxy can take me.
(groans)
No, no. No way, honey.
Why not? Roxy's taken me
to plenty of concerts before.
Not all the way across the country.
Bid, if l'm not there with you
Mikayla's manager's
gonna steamroll right over you.
Come on, Dad, l can handle
Mikayla and her manager.
And l'll have Roxy.
Remember, ''Roxy like a puma''?
Honey, we can't.
You're still just a kid.
But l'm your kid
and you taught me how to stand up
and fight for myself.
And l'll have Roxy.
Face it, Dad,
it's all falling into place.
Not for me it isn't.
Why not? You know l can do this.
You can trust me.
- But that's not the point.
- Then what is the point?
The point is you're not ready
to do this on your own.
Y, l am, Daddy, and you know it.
Come on, Dad, let me go, please.
l don't wanna talk
about this anymore.
- That's not fair!
- l don't have to be fair.
l'm the dad and l'm not letting you go.
Why are you treating me
like such a baby?!
- Because you're acting like one.
- But Dad!
No, Miley, not another word.
Fine. How about three.
l hate you!
Miley!
Miley Ray!
Do this mean
l'm your favorite kid now?
(muffled grunting)
l'll take that as a y.
l have never said anything
like that to my dad before,
but he wasn't making any sense
and l got so mad and...
(groans) l hate him
for making me say l hate him.
This is terrible. Now Mikayla's gonna
have that stage all to herself.
Lilly, l'm upset enough.
The last thing l want
to think about is...
(woman on radio) Mikayla,
coming at you with her new hit single
lf Cupid Had A Heart.
Rico, could you turn that down?
- l'm sorry. ls it bothering you?
- Yeah.
Well, then, this will drive you crazy.
- (rais volume)
- (# lf Cupid Had A Heart)
(grunts)
(cell phone ringing)
(groans) Speak of the she-devil.
What is it, Mikayla?
Hannah, l heard you pulled out
of the concert.
What happened?
Did the big pop star get scared?
Listen, Micockroach,
one of my family members has
a serious medical condition, OK?
Yeah, it's you,
and it's called wimpo-titis.
That means you're a wimp.
l know what it means.
Oh, l can see the headlin now:
''Mikayla rocks while heartls Hannah
hid from the homels.''
The concert's for hunger relief.
Like l care.
Either way, l'm gonna steal
all your fans
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
Oh, yeah, there is. l'm gonna be there.
- You are?
- You are?
Y. And you better wear
something absorbent
'cause l'm gonna be
wiping the stage with you.
That's right, l went there.
You can't go to Florida
without your dad.
Watch me.
Wow.
(Miley) ''By the time you read this,
Roxy and l will be
on our way to Florida.
And when l come back, l'll take whatever
punishment you decide to give me
like the grownup l'm trying
to convince you l am.
PS: Don't blame Roxy.
She don't know. ''
Dangflabbit!
Jackson, get down here
and help me get out of this thing!
(groans) Come on, Dad,
not another sponge bath.
Haven't l done enough?
- Not until you get me to the airport.
- OK.
- Maybe we should change first.
- Good idea.
(man) Sorry for the delay, folks.
We'll be leaving the gate momentarily.
Thank you for your patience.
Mmm! Warm cashews, cold shrimp.
Oh, and complimentary slippers.
Time to let the dogs out.
Great. l'm glad
you're enjoying the flight.
lt'll be a whole lot better
once we take off!
Come on, flyboy! l can walk to Florida
quicker than this. Come on!
Sweetheart, could you keep it down?
Someone just complained.
- Who?
- Me. Now zip it.
Thank you.
Ooh, channel 21
is all Barry White all night.
(deep voice) Ooh, baby, baby.
(man) Flight attendants
please close the doors
- and prepare for takeoff.
- Y!
Excuse me.
l'm looking for my daughter.
Sweet niblets.
l was... just making sure all
the carry-ons were stowed properly.
No need to thank me.
Sensible sho. Good choice.
(chuckl) l really don't like you.
Please take your seat. Thank you.
Miley?
Mile?
Mile?
(gruff voice) l was just visiting
my grandkids in Palm Springs.
Did you?
Pardon me, dollface.
Gotta make a pit stop.
Roxy?
- Roxy... (grunts)
- Hyah!
Well, hello.
Robby Ray, what are you doing here?
- Oh, no, she didn't.
- Oh, y, she did.
She bamboozled us both.
Well, your bam is easy to boozle.
You still don't know
l sneak over to your house
- and use your hot tub on the weekends.
- What?
Enough of this chit-chat.
Let's find that girl.
Hey, this bathroom's ocupado.
Sorry, dollface. You're really supposed
to keep the closed.
l may shift during flight.
You're gonna shift right now.
Get out here!
Come on, Miley. Get that thing
off your head. We're going home.
- But, Dad...
- No but. Now.
Excuse me, ma'am,
but we'd like to get off.
And l'd like a job where l don't
have to smile all the time
no matter how annoyed l am.
Now, the doors are closed
and no one's getting off
until our first stop in Denver.
So please take your seats.
- But...
- l said please!
Miley Stewart,
l have never been
so disappointed in you.
You think you're disappointed now?
Wait until you see
your snack box in coach.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Listen, kid!
You have a fantastic sense of rhythm.
You must be very proud.
- Big dad?
- Huge.
With a mohawk.
Gee, why would l want
to hang out with my friends
when l can spend five hours being
kicked in the back by the kangaroo kid
and drooled on by Jabba the Gut?
Don't blame me. Blame your sister.
You're the one that wouldn't
let her go in the first place.
Don't start with me, son.
She wasn't ready to go.
She wasn't ready, or you weren't?
- Excuse me?
- Come on, Dad.
l mean, you raised us to believe
we could do anything
we set our minds to.
And the whole time we were growing up,
you told us, ''l know you can do it.
So get ready, get set, go.''
Why aren't you saying that now?
Oh, yeah, l can be deep.
Roxy, l really am sorry l lied to you.
Hush up. l'm not talking to you.
But if l was talking to you
l'd be saying ''Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to your daddy,
because he only do what he do
because he lov you.''
l gus l should apologize, shouldn't l?
lf l was talking to you,
l'd be saying ''Mm-hmm.''
l'd also say, ''While you're up,
get me some two percent.
Roxy lik to dunk!''
- l was just...
- Me too.
Daddy, when l said l hated you,
- l was just...
- l know.
Honey, sit down.
l think we need to talk.
Man, l was hoping we'd just said it all.
(sighs) Not quite.
l think we both know
what you did was wrong.
We could talk about that later.
Right now l have something
l want to give you.
A barf bag?
lt has a song on it.
l just wrote it for you.
l know you didn't understand
why l was acting the way l was acting.
l didn't understand it either.
But hopefully this will help explain.
(# Ready, Set, Don't Go)
Darlin'...
...no daddy ever wants to see
his little girl grow up, but...
...every dad knows some day
she has to.
When this plane lands in Denver,
l'm getting off and you're staying on
and going to Florida.
Are you sure?
l've never been more sure of anything.
Bid, Hannah Montana don't need
her daddy to hang around
to go down there and show
that Mikayla what she's made out of.
Oh, Dad.
(groans) Mmm.
- Sorry.
- lt's OK.
lt's a good kind of pain.
l'm gonna save this forever.
Oh, no! Shrimp and cooki,
bad combo!
lt's OK. l got it all in here.
(Roxy) l'm gonna need a bigger bag.
Lilly and l just watched
the concert on TV.
You were terrific.
And you blew Mikayla off the stage.
The important thing is, honey,
you did a great thing for charity.
And you blew Mikayla off the stage!
Yeah, l gus Hannah
did show her a thing or two.
And my daughter did the same
for me. l'm proud of you, darling.
- And...
- (both) You blew Mikayla off the stage!
Hey, Jackson, your sister's
on the phone. You want to say hello?
Uh, can't right now. Kinda busy.
So, trust me, Rico.
A couple of workouts on this bad boy,
and you are gonna be Mr. lrristible.
l don't know. lt don't feel
like it's doing anything.
Well, let me just turn it up
for you a little bit.
Whoa!
Aaah!
(sighs) That was awome!
Again! Jackson! Again, again!
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